#care really is the wild west of the job world lmao

[pleaseshootthejester]

Writing a resume when I have to will to live is such a bad idea lmao

[cuntdestroyer3000]

Godless

moodboard not meant to be a physical description of reader, just her vibes/clothes

western au! dark!outlaw!Joel Miller x f!prostitute!reader playlist part two here

My contribution to dead dove December hehehe. I love dead doves so I'm very happy to participate! @romana-after-dark

Summary: You work at a brothel that operates above a saloon in your town. Joel is the leader of a group of outlaws that come periodically to collect payment and wreak havoc. One visit, you catch Joel’s eye and he decides he has to have you.

word count: ~5.6k

DARK, dead dove: minors dni!! rough smut, prostitution, reader gets called a whore, sexual slavery, being bought/sold, angst, being owned and considered property, descriptions of men being violent with each other, Joel is possessive and very dominant, reader is very submissive, stockholm syndrome. dubcon, reader obeys but she doesn't have a choice. It's only gonna get darker from here mamas. Unprotected sex, STDs don’t exist in this universe, yeehaw. No use of y/n

A/N: Prepare for light old timey language. Yeehaw shit, in my heart I am a wild west man. Also I have no fucking idea what kind of money they used in the wild west so I just wrote gold coins lmao. Reader doesn't necessarily have a specific accent but she talks like an old timey western person, reader is just a girl in the world, god bless her. set in old west California LAWLESS LAND CALI WAS CRAZY BACK THEN BRUH

-

You tried to even your breathing as you hurriedly did your makeup, slapping your powder onto your face frantically. The other girls scurried around you, the collective energy was tense and you all shared a feeling of anxiety that was rising as the minutes ticked on.

The bar always went into a frenzy whenever Joel Miller and his men rode through town. You hadn’t been working here for that long but you’d already been here long enough for their visits. His men were animals, every girl dreaded it when they came to the brothel.

Joel and his men are shameless, getting drunk in the saloon and picking fights, riding through town and plundering all the folks living there, demanding "payments" in the form of money, food, jewelry, anything they could find that was worth taking. Payments that the people of your town made so that he would let them keep living there. He made it clear that we could wipe out the whole town if he wanted to, leaving you a people without anything. And that's if he left you all alive.

-

You hadn’t been living in the town that long. After your father died, you set off west with a man who you thought had loved you. Things had fallen out with him when you finally reached California, and he had left you all alone in this scary new world.

Luckily the people of the town had taken you in, but your shelter and safety came at a price. When you arrived, you had nowhere to live, no money, nothing.

The town brothel seemed like the only solution. You had a place to live, a job, a community. You made peace with having to let men defile you. Most of them were nice enough and your pimp took good care of all of you.

This world was cruel, you did what you needed to do to get by.

-

You adjusted your breasts where they sat in your low cut dress, pushed up by your corset. You fixed your hair and adjusted the garter on your stockings.

“Well at least we look nice.” A voice snapped you out of your deep thoughts.

You turned and tried to muster a smile for your friend, Anna-Leigh, who was pinning up her blonde curls.

She clocked your fear and reached out her hand to take yours. You couldn’t look at her because if you did you’d cry, and you couldn’t afford to smudge the black pigment you’d put on your eyelashes.

“I know you don’t want to, honey.” She said softly, “But we’ve gone through this before.” Her southern accent never failed to soothe you.

You nodded,

“Yeah.” You sniffled.

“They’re gonna do what they always do, we just gotta deal with it and then they leave.” She said firmly.

“And if they really give us trouble, Mr. Polk will put a stop to it right quick.” 

You nodded a little more confidently, remembering that your pimp, Mr. Polk kept a gun on his hip every hour of the day.

No longer able to delay the inevitable, you took a deep breath, and followed your friend and the other girls out of the vanity area and down to the saloon.

-

Walking down the stairs, you analyze the chaotic scene. You’ve managed to understand how to navigate it so as to not cause any trouble. Keep your head down, be a good girl, let them do what they want and then they leave. Your pimp paid you all extra whenever Joel's men came through. Sometimes he’d give you all new dresses, it does make you feel better but it does little to ease the aching between your legs that persists whenever he and his men visit.

You all disperse and walk among the crowd. Usually most girls will immediately go and talk a man up but now you all just stand around awkwardly, letting men approach you and take you upstairs, or just take you right down here.

You’re taken upstairs a few times by a few different men. And later on, you’re sitting in a very drunk man’s lap down in the saloon with your breasts out, smoking a cigarette. He's playing a poker game and slowly losing everything.

Your eyes scan your surroundings: men brawling, naked women bent over, their legs splayed open. The usual.

Through the clamor around you, you can feel his eyes on you.

Joel Miller.

You'd seen him before, and his cold gaze had made your skin crawl.

You knew he was dangerous and you’d heard the stories about him. You’d never talked to him, only seen him when he came by. After making his rounds through the town, he’d just sit at the bar and drink as his men ran wild. To your knowledge, he didn’t even have sex with any of the girls.

You tried to avoid his gaze but you could feel his eyes on you through the thick haze of smoke. It wasn't fair that he was so handsome, weathered from the desert sun. His soft brown hair was laced with gray, just like his short scruffy beard. He looked like could've been a man that was kind, if it wasn't for the dead stare in his eyes. Meeting his eyes you could see how cold blooded he was, how merciless.

After a while, Joel instructed his men to gather everything up. The barkeep and your pimp seemed like they couldn’t wait to get rid of them, their regulars bloodied and slumped over, the bar a mess.

You were pulling the top of your dress back over your breasts when you spotted Joel speaking to your pimp, who was looking distressed. Your stomach churned. That couldn’t be good.

You were on your way up the stairs when you heard your name being called, panic flooded your system.

You turned, frozen. Your heart was pounding as the other girls ran by you.

Anna-Leigh tugged your arm, "C'mon!"

You turned and the only thing you could do was shake your head.

"What's wrong?" She asked, confused.

Your pimp, growing impatient, walked up the stairs and grabbed your elbow, dragging you down.

"I know y'don't want to." He grumbled, "But I'm not bein' given much of'a choice."

Your feet dragged on the wood as you struggled to catch your footing. Did Joel suddenly decide he wanted to fuck you? Mr. Polk yanked you over to him.

Joel's broad form towered over you as you approached. You felt small under his gaze, you'd never been this close to him before. You took in his scent of desert dirt and sweat. His broad shoulders, hulking biceps and soft stomach stretched his stained white button down. The fringe on his cowhide jacket swayed as he took his hat off his head and ran a hand through his graying curls.

You stood looking up at him, eyes wide. He looked down at you without a hint of warmth and grabbed your arm roughly, spinning you around.

You gasped at his touch and anticipated to be bent over and have your skirt hiked up. Instead he just looked at you and turned you back to face him. He made an approving grunt and nodded his head.

"Yeah." His voice was deep and gruff, "This one."

He reached into his bag on the bar and pulled out a sack that he let fall open, gold coins falling out all over the counter.

You started to feel sick.

"Give you this for her." He said casually.

A spike of fear bolted through you.

"W-what?"

Your pimp sighed and turned to you,

"Go get y'things honey."

"What?" That felt like all you could say, "N-no."

You turned to see Anna-Leigh and the other girls staring at you. Your friend looked just as terrified as you felt. Tears freed themselves from your eyes.

"God damnit girl I said go get your fucking things." Mr. Polk yelled and gave you a shake. You looked at Joel who simply nodded his head up, as if telling you to go upstairs.

You sniffled and ran up the stairs, your sobs breaking through as you graced the landing and echoing as you flung yourself into your room.

-

You hiccuped as you threw your few belongings into a suitcase, everything blurred as you cried.

You were only able to get a few items packed before you broke down and sobbed uncontrollably.

You suddenly felt the arms of your friend wrapping around you as other girls gathered around you, all stroking and hugging you.

You blinked back tears and tried to speak but you couldn’t. They just held you as you all cried. There wasn’t really anything they could say to make things better anyway.

You gasped and shuddered, trying to catch your breath. Anna-Leigh took your face in her hands,

“It’s okay, baby, breathe.” She said, tears falling down her face as well. You shook your head and kept crying.

Your pimp appeared in the doorway, looking mournful as he held his hat in his hands.

“How dare you!” Anna-Leigh screamed at him from where she held you.

“I’m sorry.” He said, looking down, “It’s either her or they take all a’you. Destroy the bar, hell maybe even the whole town.”

You cried harder, realizing that there was truly no way out of this. If you didn’t go with Joel, you’d be damning your sisters. You let out a final anguished cry before you got up shakily and continued to pack your things. You went down to the bar which was quiet, the men all watching with bated breath.

Mr. Polk escorted you down and you walked over to Joel again, whose smirk made you nauseous. You looked down at the floor as one of his men took your bag from you.

“Alright sweetheart.” Your pimp murmured, “You be good for Mr. Miller now.”

You nodded as tears ran down your face silently.

“Move out.” Joel addressed his men.

It hit you again that you were really leaving and you started sobbing again.

“No please!” You begged your pimp, “Don’t let him take me please!”

Joel reached out and grabbed your arm,

“I ain’t got time for this girl!” He sneered and ripped you away.

“No…” you cried as he dragged you along.

Anna-Leigh ran up and hugged you one last time. Joel let her, but made an irritated noise and squeezed you painfully when she took too long.

She pulled away and grabbed your face in her hands.

“You can do this.” She said, her voice breaking, “You’re gonna be strong.”

You hiccuped and shook your head,

“Be strong ok?” She nodded at you as Joel finally wrenched you away.

“That’s enough!” He barked, “I’ve already been mighty patient with you folks. Stop fuckin’ testing me!”

Everyone stared at him, silent and full of fear.

You could only cry harder as he dragged you outside. He picked you up and set you on his horse, untying its reigns from the post. 

“Hey!” You heard a voice call out and turned on the horse to see one of your drunken regulars, stumbling towards you,

“Thas’ my favorite whore!” He slurred, “My favorite fuckin’ whore, y’can’t-“ he hiccuped and stumbled. The people of the town shuffled out of their houses to watch the action.

Joel smiled at the man coldly,

“That’s your favorite whore, huh?” He asked, standing over him. He rolled him over with the toe of his boot.

“M-my whore.” The man warbled.

Joel didn’t really know why but white hot rage shot through him. He inhaled sharply and stomped on the man’s face, hard. He heard you gasp from the back of his horse which only ignited him further.

“She’s my fuckin’ whore now!” He yelled and spat in his face.

Fueled by rage and power, he turned to his right hand with an idea.

“Get me the rope, John.”

The man writhed on the ground, moaning and clutching his face. Joel approached the back of his horse with the rope, making you shuffle back in fear.

“Relax darlin’ this ain’t for you.” He breathed and tied the end of it to the saddle. Then, he turned to the man and bent down, tying the rope around his hands above his head.

You watched in shock and heard people around you, whispering.

“Alright!” Joel said after he was done. He got up onto the horse in front of you.

“Hold on baby.” He said softly and you reluctantly wrapped your arms around his middle.

Adrenaline coursed through him at the thought of the freedom of the mountains, of riding out of this stupid town with a pretty girl on his horse and a worthless drunk at his mercy. He turned to see John, who was giving him a knowing smile, the one he always gave him before they rode.

“Let’s ride.” Joel said, his voice gravelly like the desert sand. Before you could blink, they urged their horses onward and took off at high speed. You couldn’t help but let out a little scream as you startled and grabbed at him.

Your noise of shock was substituted by the agonized screams of the man being pulled by Joel’s horse. Begging and crying just like you had earlier.

You turned and watched the town get smaller, Anna-Leigh stood at the front of the crowd and gave you a pitiful wave. You looked down and saw the bloody body of the man.

You squeezed your eyes shut and turned back around, whimpering as you buried your face in Joel’s broad back.

Your tears stained his jacket as you rode away from the place that you had made your home. Towards a terrifying, shackled future.

-

As you journeyed on, you sat behind Joel on his horse, your hands clinging to his weathered leather jacket. His silence only made you more uneasy.

You feared for what the future held, gone was the stability of the brothel, the protection of your pimp. You were in a lawless land with a man who answered to no one. You’d heard the stories about Joel Miller, about the things he’d done.

You didn’t know how he’d treat a woman, if he’d be rough or gentle. Or if he’d throw you to his men. That was what you were the most afraid of.

You traveled for hours, eventually setting up camp as the sun began to set. As the air grew colder, Joel passed you a thick blanket to wrap around yourself. You sat in front of the fire with him as his men kept themselves occupied.

You brooded as you stared into the fire. You were still kind of in shock. This man had taken you away from everything, your life was gone. You didn't know if you were ever going to see your friends again.

You didn't realize, when you'd started spreading your legs for men, that this could happen. That you could be bought and sold like cattle.

You were scared for life with this godless outlaw. You didn't even know where you'd be living. Would you just sleep out in the desert like this? Would you spend the rest of your days being pounded by vicious men into the hard, dry earth?

"Want ‘sum meat?" Joel's gruff voice broke you from your thoughts. You turned to him apprehensively. He held out a piece of dried meat, offering it to you.

"Go on."

You slowly took it from him and took a bite like a scared wild animal. It was pretty good.

"Thank you." You said softly.

Joel looked satisfied with your response, you were both quiet for a while longer until you finally couldn't help yourself.

“Is this uh…” You spoke and he looked over to you, the fire casting sharp shadows across his handsome features.

“Is this how you normally live?” You finally asked, hoping you weren’t being disrespectful.

Joel shook his head after a moment.

“We’re travelin’ now.” He said, “but we got a place, nice and comfortable for a lady.”

You smiled a little bit at that last part.

“Thank you sir.” You wished you didn’t sound so scared, “I was just curious.”

“S’alright.” He grumbled out and began focusing on whittling a piece of wood.

-

The journey was hard but you tried your best to keep up. Joel never raised his voice at you, he didn’t really talk to you all that much in general. He hadn’t even touched you yet either. It seemed he was focused on getting everyone home.

His strength and capability drew you to him, but he still scared you.

After days of traveling, you finally reached where he and his men lived; a small grouping of cabins a mile or so away from a small village. It was just as well, since the sun was beginning to set over the horizon.

You still weren't sure what to think. Joel has been gentlemanly towards you so far. He still scared you though. His smoldering silence made you more uneasy than any unsavory man you'd ever encountered. He kept all his cards concealed, barely spoke, only when he needed to. His calm felt like that which preceded a storm, he commanded respect.

You didn't know what to expect from him.

You entered one of the larger cabins with Joel. It was nice, modest, and smelled of carpentry and tobacco. He set down his lantern on one of the wooden tables and dropped your things down with a slight groan.

His men unloaded everything, then they all nodded at each other and all left, closing the door and leaving you with Joel.

He moved purposefully, picking up wood from a corner and moving to the fireplace.

"Need to get a fire goin'." You heard his deep voice in the near darkness. The shadows thrown on his broad back made him seem even larger than he already was.

You didn't move, unsure of what to do, not wanting to make him mad.

After a fire was crackling he moved towards you silently, the wood creaking under his heavy footsteps. You resisted the urge to shrink away from him.

He was so close to you now, right in front of you.

"You were a real good girl on that trip." He said, his gravelly voice soft, the sound immediately went to your cunt and you were shocked at how aroused you suddenly became. 

You weren't sure what to say, you kept your eyes down, your hands behind your back.

He held your jaw and tilted your face up to look at him.

"You need to keep bein' good." He said, his tone a warning, "You don't cause any fuckin' trouble, you do what I say."

You felt breathless, the feeling of his hand on your face setting you on fire.

"Yes sir." You said quickly.

He smiled softly, "Good girl." He said gently and, to your shock, leaned forward and kissed your forehead. You gasped a little.

"Remember," His voice was still soft and velvety, "I own you now." He gripped the back of your neck tightly, "That means you're mine and I decide what to do with you."

You swallowed the dry lump in your throat. You wanted to cry. You never liked being a prostitute, but at least at the brothel you were free, not a man's property. At least, you thought you'd been.

But Joel had paid for you fair and square. You were his now.

You whimpered a little at the thought and he grabbed your hair, yanking your head back,

"Answer me when I talk to you girl." He spat.

"Yes sir, I'm sorry!" you choked out.

Seeming satisfied, he let go and patted your cheek, then moved away. It felt like you could finally breathe.

"I'm gonna get us some supper ," He said, "You stay here, make yourself at home."

With that he was gone. You stood in the single room cabin, your heart rate finally slowing down.

You looked around, the place was big enough, it felt cozy. There were some old chairs by the fire with a small handcrafted table in front of them.

The other side of the room had a big soft looking bed, then there was an area to the right with pots, pans and other things for cooking. Besides a small room off to the side with a basin of water and a cracked mirror, that was it.

It wasn't much, but it was nice. It felt normal. There were blankets everywhere. Cotton, knitted, animal hide, what have you.

It all made you feel a little better, but not by that much.

Joel came back in and gathered fixings for dinner. He had you both sit in front of the fire outside along with his other men. You all sat on logs gathered round. His men were boisterous and shameless as usual, but they only did so much as leer at you.

The food was pretty good, and you appreciated the hot meal.

When you shivered a little bit, Joel slipped off his fringe jacket and put it around your shoulders. You looked up at him and couldn't help but smile a little. How sweet, how...considerate.

He looked down at you, and smiled back. The wrinkles around his brown eyes became more pronounced, making his normally dead piercing gaze softer, kinder. A warmth bloomed in your chest.

-

After dinner was done, you both returned to his cabin. He cleaned up as you got comfortable, changing into a long, off the shoulder white cotton dress that held your breasts nicely.

You settled into his bed. It smelled like wood, tobacco, whiskey, him. The blankets and pillows were soft and you tucked your legs up, opening your diary. Beginning a new entry, you didn't even know where to start. Your entries were definitely going to get more interesting.

You wrote for a while before you heard a man enter the cabin. Looking up, you saw Joel and began to stand up but he put up a hand, stopping you.

You watched him walk over to the fire, his knees creaking a little as he bent down and threw a fresh log in. 

He sighed and slumped back in one of the chairs, kicking off his boots, unbuckling his belt and unbuttoning his shirt.

You observed him for a while, his beautiful hooked nose illuminated by the firelight, his hair looked soft, his tough expression relaxed a bit.

You finally lost interest and returned to your diary, desperately trying to explain to it how you came to be in this situation.

Joel took swigs from his flask and worked on his whittling as you wrote. He liked the peacefulness, he liked that there was a pretty girl in his bed. You had come with him so easily, been so obedient. Sure, you'd been upset initially, but he hadn’t expected you not to be.

You'd been good, so far. You followed his orders and you were thankful for all the things that he gave you.

Compliant little thing.

He suddenly got an idea.

-

You had already covered two pages in writing when he called your name.

You sat up quickly and set your diary on his bed, slid off and walked across the wooden floor until you were in front of him.

“Yes sir?” You asked, your heart pounding slightly.

“Take off your dress.” He said quietly.

The command caught you off guard and you froze for a moment.

“I-what?”

“Take off. Your dress.” He repeated flatly, “Wanna take a look at what’s mine.”

His words both made your stomach hurt and your pussy ache. It felt like your feet and hands were going numb.

You took him in, his hard stare, the yearning and darkness in his eyes. You realized you had been fooled earlier tonight by his chivalry.

You swallowed and nodded, you were used to this business. You took a deep breath and untied the top of your dress, letting the bodice fall loosely around your chest. You gathered the fabric and pulled it over your head. You weren't wearing any undergarments so as your white dress billowed to the ground, you were left completely naked for him.

You heard him make a noise of approval and he nodded, smiling.

"Knew you were a good girl."

He eyed you up and down. His gaze made goosebumps erupt on your skin, causing your nipples to harden as he examined you. He stayed in his chair, his legs spread. You could see his bulge straining against his jeans.

You could feel your heartbeat pounding in your cunt...maybe Joel Miller would be gentle with you?

He finally stood up. Looming over you, he ran his large, rough hands over your arms, then your stomach and finally, up to cup and squeeze your breasts.

You couldn't help but let out a soft moan, Joel chuckled softly,

"I know baby," He rasped, "You've been waitin’ so long, been so patient."

You nodded quickly, your eyes wide as you looked up at him. Your complete submissiveness to him was due to his power, but you couldn't help but feel a little excited for this strong, terrifying man to take you.

"Go get on the bed for me."

"Yes sir." You said softly and he let out an almost inaudible groan. You walked over to the bed and laid on your back, immediately spreading your legs.

Joel laughed a little and shook his head as though in disbelief,

"Damn, I picked the right fuckin’ girl didn't I?"

-

He sat on the bed beside you as you lay, your pussy still on display for him, your arms on either side of your head.

Completely his, ready to be taken by him. It kind of shocked you that you had surrendered and accepted this role so quickly. But then again, you didn't have much of a choice, this was the easy way.

"Damn." He sighed as he let his eyes fall over you. He took his time touching you, slowly playing with you. You let your eyes flutter shut as you let him explore you, taking in his newest possession.

He touched you everywhere, except where you needed him most. You squirmed and whimpered, moving your hips to get his fingers anywhere near your wet cunt.

Joel quickly landed a harsh spank on your pussy and you cried out.

"Cut that shit out." He growled, "You're gonn' take what I give you and be a grateful little whore."

You nodded quickly.

"Say it."

"I'm-I'm gonna be a grateful little whore."

"Thas' right."

His thick fingers dragged through your dripping cunt and you let out a moan. He drew closer to you, inhaling the dizzying scent of your arousal and spreading your slickness up to your clit.

"Joel..." You whined and rolled your hips against his fingers.

"Good girl," He said huskily, "Jus like that."

He moved his fingers faster and you moaned and arched your back. No man had ever taken his time with you in this way.

You felt the pleasure wash over you and you let your moans echo around the cabin freely. You'd learned it wasn't a bad thing to be loud, your old pimp had always told you it was good advertising.

After taking in your reaction to that, Joel shifted his focus and curiously buried two thick fingers into your cunt. You moaned and gasped at the way he stretched you, it felt fucking amazing.

"Joel!" You cried out and rocked your hips in time with his hand. Following his movements and somehow doing exactly what he wanted.

He liked how responsive you were, how obedient.

He pulled his fingers out of you without warning and you whined at the sudden emptiness.

Joel got on his knees on the bed, towering over you. He pulled his shirt off and undid his jeans, pulling them down just enough to free his cock.

You audibly gasped when you took in the sight of it and he laughed a little.

"What? Not expectin’ me to be this big?"

"I-no-sir I didn't-I mean-" You stuttered.

"S'alright sweetheart." He murmured, "You wanna touch me?"

You stared at his thick manhood. You had no idea how fucking big it was, you reached your hand out and wrapped it around him, your fingers just meeting each other around his girth.

Oh fuck.

You whined and pumped his length, spitting on it and letting it spread over him.

His cock was beautiful, powerful and imposing, resting rock hard and heavy between his strong thighs. His balls hung heavy, his dark hair running wild up to his round stomach.

You sighed, contentedly.

Joel smirked, his large hand resting on the side of your head, cradling you as your hand worked him.

You looked up at him submissively, your eyelashes fluttering. Joel moaned at the way you pleaded for him without even saying anything. You were like a siren. He'd known you were the one the minute he saw you down in that saloon.

He suddenly pushed you back, roughly. Making you yelp out in surprise as your head hit the soft pillows. He looked at you hungrily and grabbed your hips, flipping you over so you landed on your stomach, bouncing up off the bed a little.

He yanked your hips up so you were on your knees, grunting and breathing heavily. You moaned and arched your back, spreading yourself for him.

You felt the head of his cock swipe through your folds and your heart raced with anticipation. He took a sharp inhale before slamming into your cunt with a snarl.

"FUCK!" You cried out, not expecting the sudden burn or stretch. Even with how wet you were, his massive cock split you open.

You gasped and whined as Joel kept himself buried in your pussy, groaning as he rocked his hips, getting harder and more forceful.

You let yourself become undone by him and he started sliding out and slamming into you more, getting faster and more enthusiastic.

He grunted and breathed heavily through gritted teeth as he pounded into you. He threw his head back, using his grip on your hips to move you and fuck your pussy. The way you moaned and screamed for him only spurred him further, abusing your cunt.

He was in control. He bought you, he owned you, you were his whore. Forever.

"Oh fuck!" He groaned, gasping as those thoughts brought him even closer, along with the squeeze of your cunt.

You couldn't even speak, your face was pressed into the pillow as you cried and drooled. You'd lost track of how many times you'd come, just letting yourself be used by him at this point. You couldn't deny that it felt amazing.

Joel leaned over and put a paw-like hand over the back of your head, crushing your face into the bed as he leaned over. Putting his weight on you, he used that to fuck you even harder.

Your cries were muffled and you almost couldn't breathe. Joel's thrusts became sloppier and you heard his breathing turn into desperate moaning. He finally came, thick ropes of cum shooting directly into you making you gasp and moan. The men at the brothel were never allowed to cum in you. If a girl got pregnant, she either got it taken care of or she was out.

But you were Joel's now. And Joel was the one who decided what happened to you.

He fucked his cum into you more, causing it to spurt out. Then he pulled back, you took a deep breath and relaxed onto the bed, his cock still keeping you plugged up.

"That's right baby." He murmured, "Good girl."

You let out a beautiful whine, your cunt tightening around his cock as he stroked your hair away from your face.

He sighed as he knelt over your limp form, his cock still keeping his seed in you.

You didn't move, When he finally eased out of you gently, you winced and cried out at the loss.

"I know, I know." He said softly, petting your hair.

He grabbed a cloth and wiped at your cunt, getting most of the mess cleaned up. When he decided that was good, he eased your hips down and turned you over.

You wriggled into a comfortable position, tucking your hair behind your ear and smiling up at him shyly.

He smiled at you again, the same one he'd given you at dinner. His normally cold eyes looked warm and safe.

You slipped your hands up around his neck, your eyes falling down to his lips under his scruffy beard.

He ran the rough pad of his thumb over your cheekbone,

"Such a good little whore." He said softly, then he leaned down and kissed you.

His lips weren't pressed against yours for that long but it still sparked electricity through you.

He pulled away and breathed out a laugh, "Alright, let's try an' get some sleep now."

"Yes sir." You said softly.

He put out the fire and the lantern and stripped off his pants before getting under the covers with you. His strong arms wrapped around you, pulling you into him, his softening cock pressing against your ass.

He buried his nose in your hair, each hand covering your tits, keeping them warm.

You nuzzled into his hold, you couldn't remember the last time you'd been held like this. You turned around and buried your face in his hairy chest. 

You had…liked that. You really liked it. You knew how wrong this all was. You knew that to him you were just a whore, his property, but…maybe you could make peace with that? Maybe Joel Miller would be a good owner.

You hated that you were even thinking that.

His large hand rested on your back, holding you close to him as your exhausted mind finally succumbed to sleep.

-

THANK YOU FOR READING I LOVE YOU

This is my first Joel fic AND my first dead dove fic which I didn’t think I’d be able to write but I had sm fun writing this!! Thank you to @toxicanonymity and @romana-after-dark and all the girlies with their scary Joels who inspired me🖤

YEEHAW LETS RIDE🐎🐎🐎

[sol-consort]

I don’t really write for stuff that I don’t have OCs in because I just find it easier than writing with pre-established characters since I know everything about my OCs and I don’t have the fear of mischaracterizing a character accidentally.

Plus I think if I did write for Once it’d be a fix-it fic that’s fixes so much it’s a completely different story and not even about Once lmao.

The only fandoms I have stories planned for that have a lot of focus on pre-established characters are Far Cry, Fallout, The Outer Worlds, and Mass Effect which is apart of The Outer Worlds story but an OC is the protagonist of most of those stories.

Actually I think the only fandoms that I have stories planned for where the main focus is majority OCs is Star Wars and Baldur’s Gate/D&D.

If I were to ever write for Once it’d be finishing the Frankenstein storyline that they never finished even when the actor came back.

A good Fairytale x D&D thing would be Dimension 20’s Neverafter season which did a really good job and is an inspiration for A Bard’s Plague although Neverafter is heavy on the horror elements while I’m sticking with just the fantasy elements. You can only watch Neverafter on Dropout though but the first episode is on their YouTube.

A Fairytale crossover thing I wanna try out is A Wolf Among Us. I do plan on doing a noir story for A Bard’s Plague but that’ll be its own separate thing in like a 1920s/1940s version of the D&D world because to me I don’t think a true Noir setting can fit into fantasy like how Victorian England or Wild West America can because it’s a little too close to modern days for me.

Dimension 20 used to be my favourite! Especially Brennan as a DM, he is really creative and fun! I used to think dnd was all serious and boring. Critical role just didn't hit it for me no matter how many times I tried, but Brennan made DnD look very fun and colourful for a beginner while critical role felt intimidating.

I used to be subscribed to dropout bc of it but also found really good shows. Eventually, I drifted off and didn't watch it anymore, so I cancelled it. Might reinstall it to see what's new.

And yeah I get the fear of mischaracterisation, but it is one of the investable things you have to swallow when writing any fanfics. No one will ever be true to the source material no matter how much we try, especially if you're one person and the source has a team of writers. Not a single one of those writers could nail the character on their own and they'd need the whole team to make it come alive.

It's a bitter truth we all have to accept eventually that our favourite characters are viewed by us through many lenses and biases. We can't understand them fully and we can't give them justice fully, we can't fly too close to the sun we may only skirt by and do good enough.

Each writer has a different spin on each character. I found out that I tend to make characters softer, more gentle, and lonely when I write them. I flush out their inner vulnerability more, focus on the thoughts inside their brain rather than their own dialogue more. I put a piece of my soul in each one of them.

And it makes me happy, the way I portray them. It's not everyone's taste and that's fine. It's my own spin on them to make them more desperate, more lovestruck and put an emphasis on their emotions. I rarely add dialogue unless absolutely necessary for the scene to progress.

I say find your own spin, there is no correct way to write it. You'll always mischaracterize the character in someone else's eyes. Sometimes the shows itself do it to their own characters. Even the writer teams are still human by the end of the day.

Perfectionism is a disease that kills creativity and keeps you stuck in a prison of your own mind's design.

It sneaks up on you too, you never notice when did you start caring for this and that until you've spent three hours on the same scene because the way the character says a particular sentence just doesn't fit at all.

Let them say the damn sentence, to hell with it all. Worst people would do is click away from your fic, and 90% of them weren't even gonna leave likes even if they enjoyed reading it so save yourself the headache and make life and writing easier for you.

Standards should be for how much you enjoy the piece you've written not for how much it meets a list of requirements.

Also oh my god you like star wars and I have been making fun of star wars nonstop. Ofhwofhd I am so sorry, I have never actually seen any of the movies, I don't know anything about it. It's just a bit I keep doing for the gag and nothing else.

A wolf among us, is that the tellatell game? I loved it before! The concept was so good even tho I don't remember the plot by now, it's been years.

Talking about fairytale spin offs, this reminded me of an old cartoon movie about little riding hood.

This one on youtube. Hoodwinked

It blew my mind as a kid, I was a huge detective conan fan (still am but shh) and making it a murder mystery with all the plot twists and characters just made my brain melt.

Nothing will ever compare to the rush of being around 10 and seeing this movie for the first time.

Actually I'm gonna go watch it again, fucking masterpiece. Give it a try if you have an hour to spare.

[gingermintpepper]

After thinking it over for a bit, I've decided that I might as well do a proper underrated 3DS game rec list. I'm a bit of an ATLUS junkie and that's gonna be pretty disgustingly apparent in this list, but it's not my fault that they released hit after hit and all of them were duly ignored.

Due to tumblr's 10 image limit (and my struggle to keep motivated to do one thing for more than three hours) I'm definitely gonna have to break this up into parts and I'm fairly certain one of these lists is just gonna be MegaTen games lmao but I'd like to let people know about these excellent titles and see if I can't at least get people interested in them so they can get more traction.

So, without further ado:

Some 3DS Games that were criminally slept on (part 1)

Monster Hunter Stories

God, where do I begin with this game. Well, the basics: It's a JRPG spinoff title of the now widely successful and popular Monster Hunter series featuring a different take on interacting with the varied and intricate monsters populating the world: Riders.

Yep, instead of hunting the beasties, you play as a young rider who's completed their intiation ritual and can now bond with 'Monsties' as they've cutely labelled the usually ferocious monsters of the wilds. The great thing is that you still fight Monsters--tons of them in fact but this isn't a paid review and in my humble opinion, the most impressive thing about this game is the visual style. The landscapes, the armour, the way they redesigned and 3DS-ified the classically hyper realistic and monstrous beasts to not only be absolutely adorable but still capable of being intimidating when the time calls for it, the stellar animation of special moves and combination attacks--it's delicious, nutritious, stupendous, I can and will consume it like it's part of my recommended caloric intake.

It's very akin to Pokemon in the way its basic gameplay premise is set up, however, instead of catching--or even indeed befriending--the Monsties in the game, you rummage through their nests and steal their eggs, later hatching them and getting yourself a brand new lightly kidnapped monster pal!

Other general things about the game:

Pros:

The armour and weapon sets for both male and female characters slap along with the general character customisation options. They're incredibly diverse (though limited in body type) and you can switch around traits and features whenever you want from your house.

The POGS--these porkers are everywhere and they serve as tiny little achievements for exploring every odd and end of the world. Also they have little outfits. They're so cute. 🥺🥺

You can actually ride the Monsties. All of em. Or, at least the ones that you have available to be your buddies. They all have exploration skills and traits that not only make exploring much more interesting but encourage you to swap out your active Monstie and play around with your options a bit.

Y'all breeding Monsties is complicated and I live for just how intense and ridiculous you can get with optimal builds for these things.

The story is really competently put together! The characters, character designs and even the internal conflict with your starting trio of characters is really compelling along with the mystery of the blight that's infecting Monsters across the world. It's not anything worth awards but it's compelling and it makes you care about the characters if that's what you're in the market for.

Amazing sound design, expansive world, everything about the presentation of this game oozes that Monster Hunter charm even if the art is cutesier than usual. You'll never get bored of its stellar visual presentation!

Available for around twenty quid on the Google Play store, so if you want, you could actually get the full game on your smartphone or tablet. Note though that it would be a battery nuker.

Cons:

If you're on a regular 3DS, frame rate drops are a given. This game kinda pushes the visual capabilities of the 3DS to its absolute limit--a lot like Okamiden did back on the DS.

One save file :( It's pretty much for the same reason as above but still.

If you're playing as the girl, you can't get male armour and vice versa. Since there's only one save file, you'll never be able to have all of the armour sets in a single playthrough and that's criminal because both of the sets for the genders are absolutely breath-taking, thank you.

I 👏can't 👏make👏my👏 own 👏Palico👏

Multi-player for this game is pretty dead seeing as it's almost five years old by now and never got much press or traction. Usually this wouldn't be an issue - this game is 99% singleplayer and you don't really need to fuss about with multi-player to have fun, but if you want to collect all the Monsties, you'll need it since the only way to get Glavenus is through pvp achievements. :/

Final thoughts: Play it if you find yourself getting tired or disappointed with 3DS Pokemon games but still want something that feels as fantastical as Pokemon. It outshines the 3DS Pokemon games at every turn and I will never be over just how thoughtfully put together and fully realised these games are. Of course, if you've ever played Monster Hunter, then you know just how intensive these games are with the lore, biology, cultures and world of their Monsters but seeing that translated into JRPG format was just very sobering and it's a game that, to this day, continues to awe me with just how much love and attention went into it.

Last note: If you're still unsure about it, there's a demo available on the e-shop of the 3DS that allows you to play through the entire initial area of the game. Your data does carry through to the full release and to give you an idea of how much I've been able to squeeze out of it - my playtime for that demo is currently sitting at 22 hours. Make sure to get a hold of that Cyan-Kut-Ku!

7th Dragon III Code: VFD

The title may sound intimidating but the premise is not! A mysterious disease called Dragon Sickness spread by the Dragonsbane flowers that have cropped up all around the world. You and your team are recruited by the Nodens game company after you display extraordinary prowess in their hit virtual reality game 7th Encount. As you go through the adventure, you are tasked with finding out the truth behind the Dragon Sickness and asked to stop both it and the Dragons that are destroying the world.

This game is fun. It's another turn-based JRPG however, in this game you create all of your characters yourself from the myriad of classes available to you from the jump. Different classes of course have very different specialisations - Samurai focus on high powered cutting damage with their swords, Duelists are summoners who can influence the element of the battlefield as well as summon monsters from each element, Agents can hack into your enemies and inflict a barrage of nasty ailments, just to name a few - and you are given three teams of three characters each to experiment with different team comps and find the balance that works for you. There's also a wide variety of Dragons to hunt and kill in the game, which directly affects how infected your world is with the Dragon Sickness causing Dragonsbane. Along the way you will also come into contact with many interesting characters, concepts and confrontations that will make the task of saving the world all the more imperative.

Pros

1. The character creator and differing classes give way for tons of experimenting and playing around with your own unique approach to combat and carrying out your missions. Granted, 'character creation' is generous, it's little more than palatte swaps but the classes are really where VFD shines. Eight main classes may not sound like a lot, but the expaniveness of the character skills, their synergy with their fellow classes and the uniqueness of some of the classes in and of itself allows for so much flexibility and creativity in approaches to even tougher bosses. It also encourages the switching about of your party members to really finagle with the options available to you.

2. God this game is pretty. The locations, the character art, the creature design - all of it is gorgeous and this game capitalises on every bit of the 3DS's presentation limitations as it can.

3. You can romance anything and everyone - yes, you can even be gay/lesbian/poly in this game. In fact, one of the main characters - Julietta - is gnc and he's a constant source of joy as well one of my personal favourite characters, right behind Yuma.

4. Exploration is very very forgiving as the game has healing spots and teleport nodes all over the world to allow for quick, seamless travel between quest points without feeling like anything is too much of a hassle. There are also special enemies that allow for quick grinding as well as quick farming of money. In general, the game does a really good job of making sure that the grind is never unbearable or inconsiderate of your time.

Cons:

1. This is the fourth game in a series the West has never seen any other title for, and from the looks of it, will probably never see any other titles for. Because of that, there are some elements that may seem confusing or revelations in the plot that may seem to come out of nowhere.

2. While the visuals are great, the OST of this one is pretty short making for a lot of reused soundtracks that can get really annoying if you're like me and need your audio to be interesting or consistent so it doesn't distract you too much.

3. This one isn't really a con but it is divisive: This game gets pretty difficult at times. A few of the main dragon enemies including and especially the final boss can give you a serious run for your money in the annoy-o-meter in terms of the kind of absolute JRPG fuckery they can pull out of their magic bag of bullshit movesets and while I generally enjoy that kind of thing, I know it's not for everyone. Most regular combat shouldn't be too tricky once you have a team comp that works well together but you also need to pay attention since the same team that carries you to victory one time might be worth beans against another dragon.

Final thoughts: This is... a really good game. Interesting story, really interesting characters, pretty world and a battle system that really makes you sit down and think. There's also a demo for this available in the e-shop and while your data doesn't carry over - you do receive multiple perks for carrying over your demo data including some exclusive items that, while not game breaking, do help a ton in the early stages of the game.

This isn't a final list by any stretch of the word; I only have the energy to do these two right now, but the next games up for coverage are Ever Oasis and Stella Glow! If you're interested in my full plan of games I want to cover here then my current lineup includes: Theatrhythm: Curtain Call, Project Mirai: Deluxe, Culdecept Revolt, Alliance Alive, Radiant Historia: Perfect Chronology, Etrian Odyssey V, Devil Survivor 2: Record Breaker and Shin Megami Tensei IV: Apocalypse.

Finally, if anyone has played any of the games I mention, cover or plan to cover PLEASE REACH OUT TO ME, I AM SO LONELY IN MY FORTRESS OF SAND. On a serious note, I'd love to hear what other people who've played these games think!

Thanks for reading,

-Ginger

PS: @feralpeacock Because a million years ago, on my first underrated games post, you asked that I remember you. :D

[miximax-hell]

Happy Goku Day, everyone!!

I checked and, miraculously, I still have followers on this blog. In fact, I’ve gained some since the last time I posted, for some reason! I’m not going to question it, though. Just... bless. But, hey, long time no see! As usual!

This time, I’m going back to my roots. The first drawings I posted on this blog were meant to show my love towards original Raimon, and it’s never a bad time to remind you all that I still adore these kids. Especially now that my friend @dust-monsters-under-my-bed​ has reminded me of them. Go check her art, btw! She’s not very active on Tumblr, but you can find her art on Twitter right here: https://twitter.com/rachelmonart

Anyway, she’s watching Inazuma Eleven for the first time and she’s made me think again about how much love these kids deserve, BECAUSE THEY SURE GOT NONE FROM HINO. DAMN YOU, HINO. So, today, let’s talk about the one and only IE character whose feet are classified as mass destruction weapons, who decided to borrow power from someone who will make you all question me, my logic and my tastes: Yamhan (or, as he is known in the west, Tiencha), THE FUSION OF YAMCHA AND TENSHINHAN FROM DRAGON BALL.

Introducing ShoYamHan! More on him under the cut.

So, first of all, how have you all been? I suppose many of you, like myself, are being told to stay at home to fight this situation. I salute all of you who do your best to stay safe and not help spread anything. It’s a very necessary fight, even if it can be boring at times. Many of us have friends or relatives fighting on the frontline, though (unless you yourself are the doctor or nurse friend!), and we hopefully know that staying at home is a small price to pay.

As for me, I got a job in December and lost it last month, so... yeah. It’s not been great. Still, something I’ve been working hard on for a while should be released soon and that’s so exciting! MY NAME WILL FINALLY BE ON SOMETHING’S CREDITS AND I CAN’T WAIT FOR IT TO BE UP.

But, anyway, back to business!

Rachel suggested I talk about the reasons behind this particular miximax, and considering it makes for a perfect parallel with my first posts, where I talked about the reasons behind Max’s and Kageno’s miximaxes, I’m all up for it! But, this time, I will have to do something new: explain WHO THE HECK YAMHAN IS. So let’s start with a picture of this handsome devil.

As most of you hopefully know, this project is about miximaxing Inazuma characters with video game characters. No anime, movies or anything else. Only and exclusively video games. Dragon Ball has probably spawned all those things, but it started as a manga, so you’d be right to think it most definitely does not qualify for this project. And, indeed, Dragon Ball doesn't. What DOES qualify, however, are Dragon Ball characters exclusive, or first introduced, in a video game. And that’s exactly the case we’re dealing with here!

Growing up, I loved Dragon Ball games. Even before I watched the show properly, in fact! I would go to my friend’s house, who was a fan of the show, and we'd play the Dragon Ball Budokai games nonstop with absolutely zero regrets. Those were some great times. And once I came to know the source material, the game that blew my mind the most was Dragon Ball Budokai 2. Was it the best one? Not necessarily. Is it my favourite? Not by a long shot. Still, it was the most creative! Most games follow the story of DBZ, which, obviously, is always the same. But Budokai 2 wasn’t afraid to do new things. Its story mode resembled a tabletop game and it was more than happy to deviate from the source material in some really fun ways; most notably, with exclusive fusions.

Budokai 2 introduced us all to Yamhan, the fusion of Yamcha and Tenshinhan, two long forgotten characters in the series, as they (and especially poor Yamcha) didn’t do anything especially relevant past... well, past the original Dragon Ball. As a champion of the unloved, that blew my mind. There were other fun things in Budokai 2, but what fascinated me and stayed in my thoughts for years to come was Yamhan. It was just such a cool concept. Two underdogs who had fallen into obscurity fusing to create a much greater warrior!

Of course, Yamhan isn’t the only videogame exclusive characters in Dragon Ball. He isn’t the first, nor the last. Yamhan isn’t the strongest, nor the weakest. But I haven’t played FighterZ nor Fusions (yet), nor pretty much any game that wasn’t on PS2 or GBA. And even if I had, I doubt Android 21 or any of the HUNDREDS of combinations available in Fusions would captivate me and my imagination as much as Yamhan did back in the day. Yamhan was a fusion, which is something that has always fascinated me to begin with. I MEAN, THIS ENTIRE BLOG IS ABOUT FUSING CHARACTERS, SO I THINK IT’S PRETTY OBVIOUS LMAO But he wasn’t just one among hundreds. He was this very specific, never-seen-before, cool as heck and usable fusion. Like, wow. That was wild for me. Sign me up, man.

But, you know, I try not to let that sway me too much. Of course, I wouldn’t likely pick a character I hate for a miximax, but, still, my preferences aren’t everything. And choosing Yamhan begs a question that I have already alluded to: if Yamhan isn’t the strongest game-exclusive DB character out there, then, why him? Well, the answer to that is related to the biggest problem posed by the sheer concept of miximaxing with a Dragon Ball character:

Power escalation.

It’s no exaggeration to say that Goku is, pretty much, the strongest character that has ever played the lead in any manga, and one of the strongest fictional characters ever, period. By the end of the Dragon Ball Super anime, he has EXCEEDED THE POWER OF MANY LITERAL GODS AND IS (or has been) A CANDIDATE TO BECOME ONE. You may prefer One Piece, or Naruto, or anything else, but few things reach the astronomical, reality-bending scope of Dragon Ball. Not to say DB is the best series--I’m just saying that it’s so out of control at this point (and I love it). But, of course, the stronger Goku is, the stronger the villains need to be, and Goku ends up becoming EVEN stronger than said villains. Rinse and repeat dozens of times until you can make an entire universe disappear by raising your hand.

Now, imagine applying that out-of-this-world power escalation to a context where the power balance isn’t so outrageous. For example, Inazuma Eleven.

Goku wriggling in his sleep is more powerful than Zeus, and an accidental sneeze would smash all of Ixal Fleet to smithereens. Do you see what this would do to the balance? It would ruin it completely, as anyone who miximaxed with Goku would be immediately a one-person army able to defeat ANY opponent--and if the opponent were to be EVEN GREATER than Goku, well, the rest simply wouldn’t stand a chance. Ever. Remember: the point of this project isn’t to create perfect and unbeatable players, and I’m not trying to prioritize anyone or make them noticeably stronger than anyone else just because I happen to like X more than Y. That completely ruins the tension and the fun (and my attempts to create justice in this unfair universe). The point is to come up with a balanced team full of players with strong points, but with flaws, too, that complement each other when they play together against stronger enemies.

So, if we go with Dragon Ball, and I love Dragon Ball WAY too much to not include it in this project in some way, we have to be careful and avoid overdoing it. Balance is key. And now that you know why I didn’t just choose the fusion between Beerus and Whis or something crazy like that, I’ll move on to explain what makes Yamhan a very interesting option. I SWEAR THERE ARE SOME ACTUAL REASONS.

First of all, the very concept. You know, Yamcha and Tenshinhan fused to created Yamhan, and now, Shourin is fusing with a fusion. That’s just... hecking cool. I won’t lie--my preferences towards Yamhan didn’t tip the scales towards making this happen, but my preferences towards FUSIONCEPTION totally did. XD But there’s more, thankfully.

From the very beginning, I knew I wanted a fighting game character to miximax with Shourin because it fits his theme best. I’m not big on fighting games, though, so it was quite tough. Especially because just any fighting game wouldn’t do it. Shourin is a martial artist. As I mentioned at the very beginning of this post, his feet are his weapons. His entire body is a weapon, really. If I were to suddenly miximax him with some character who wields a sword or an axe, for example, it would be a complete disservice to Shourin. Original Raimon members don’t have much going on for themselves, and I’m going to cut or ignore the ONE thing that makes one of them special? Not in a zillion years. Shourin needs to fight with his body. That, of course, cuts many characters already: pretty much the entire roster of Soul Calibur, many members of Mortal Kombat, many from games like Skullgirls (which I still want to try to represent here in the future, because @lumaga worked on it and it makes me happy just because of that), etc. For a very long time, I considered someone like Ryu, from Street Fighter, but then it hit me: I have never played Street Fighter and I don’t want to include him just because I know what a Hadouken is. It’d be... cheap. And fake. Thankfully, as I also mentioned earlier, I played LOTS of Budokai back in the day and I am an actual fan, so I don’t have to pretend to know what the heck I’m talking about. XD And, thankfully, most of the characters in DB games fight with their bare fists and legs, so they perfectly fit my needs. Yamhan is, of course, no exception.

Now comes my favourite reason to choose Yamhan and not, well, literally any other DB game-exclusive character. And that reason is style.

Remember that power escalation thing I mentioned earlier? Well, it’s epic, but it comes with a big disadvantage: power ends up becoming much more important than skill. Early Dragon Ball was very focused on fighting styles. There was an ongoing feud between the Turtle School and the Crane School, who taught different martial arts to fight in different ways, and there was a big plot involving which one was superior. It wasn’t just about who was strongest, but about who fought better. With time, that disappeared, though. Even though battles became flashier, aerial and more spectacular, they were much more indistinct. Sure, there were gimmicks like “heh, I have a tail and I will sometimes hit you with it,” or “I will try to hit your face with the palm of my hand instead of my fist for some unspecified reason,” but that isn’t... much. You just see very fast people avoiding equally as fast punches to the face. And Goku, the main character, only shows some style when he adopts a fighting pose BEFORE fighting. Once the punches start flying, it’s all a race to see who can hit the other the hardest in the gut to make them spit blood. Cool nonetheless, but still.

Ironically, though, it’s two of the least relevant characters who never really lost those styles that made them unique when they were first introduced to the series. And those are, of course, Yamcha and Tenshinhan.

Yamcha joins the Turtle School and learns techniques as classic as the Kamehameha, but he had his own style way before that, based on attacking and tearing enemies apart like a wolf would. This is best represented by his signature move, the Rougafuufuuken or Wolf Fang Fist. He never drops this style, but instead builds up on it through his training to make it even fiercer.

Tenshinhan has different things going for himself. First of all, he is a hybrid between a human being and a civilization known as the Three-Eyed People, which grants him powers such as growing extra arms from his back or dividing in 4. Not just moving so fast that it looks like there’s four of him, but ACTUALLY dividing into 4 separate bodies. In terms of skills, he was a Crane School student, but when he realised the wrong of his master’s doings, he decided to start training and developing on his own. Basically, a path that mirrors Yamcha’s, but both lead to unique fighting styles unlike anyone else’s in this universe. And, most importantly, none of them depend on appendixes that are always there, like the aforementioned tail, so they totally work for us here!

Shourin is a proper martial artist. He wouldn’t want to make himself crazy strong as much as he would like to refine his technique and learn new moves and tricks. Martial arts are about discipline, self-control, skill and protection. He would take a cool-ass combo based on a wolf’s moves over earth-shattering strength any day of the week, hence why the fact that these two have so many techniques to offer is so appealing.

Finally, and probably least, is the design idea that immediately came to my mind when I thought of a miximax between Shourin and Yamhan. Historically, I have had to work with characters like Fudou, who are usually mostly bald and they miximax with someone with hair, thus making for some very... difficult things to figure out. But the idea of miximaxing Shourin, who is mostly bald, with Yamhan, who is ALSO mostly bald, was just golden and too good to ignore. And the fact that Yamhan has three eyes GIVES ME AN EXCUSE TO ADD A THIRD CROSS-SHAPED EYE ON SHOURIN’S FOREHEAD. IF A MIXIMAX BETWEEN BALD PEOPLE WAS GOLDEN, THIS IS OUTRIGHT PLATINUM.

Shourin would've probably looked a lot less like a joke if he had had hair covering his entire head or if I had at least given him proper eyes... but that would no longer be the Shourin I love. Not to mention that it’s very likely that Shourin willingly shaves his head to begin with (even if the ponytail ain’t doing him any favours--but that’s just Inazuma logic, so let’s not look too much into it), just like Tenshinhan or Krillin do, so he would probably be happier to keep that, uh, advantage. Relative advantage, but still.

As a side note, though, we can’t forget the balance. When Yamcha and Tenshinhan fuse, they undoubtedly become the strongest human being in the DB universe, overcoming the one who is usually strongest: Krillin. A fusion is always greater than its parts individually, and Yamcha and Tenshinhan aren’t so far away from Krillin to begin with, so that’s not even a question. Regardless, they still don’t have that overwhelming and surreal strength from other characters, so we still don’t get into absolutely OP territory. Yamhan is strong enough to provide Shourin with a power that can make a real difference without completely putting him above everyone else.

Sadly, Yamhan doesn’t really have a backstory, as he’s a game-exclusive character that, honestly, was probably only there for a laugh. That means there is no deep connection between them. We can, however, make obvious connections between Shourin, an aspiring martial artist whose dream, as stated in IE2, was to study at Manyuuji (Kogure’s school) for their focus on martial arts, and is now trying to become stronger to protect what he loves, and two skilled warriors who have been training nonstop under different masters and on their own for basically their entire lives to keep becoming stronger and more skilled in order to defend what’s precious to them and, simply, to be the best version of themselves they can be. Upon seeing such dedicated warriors and artists, Shourin would undoubtedly want to learn from them and, if necessary, borrow their strength too.

Or he might just fanboy and ask for their autographs, honestly. I sure as heck want Yamcha’s. And his baseball card.

[shhbean]

fuck it! some thoughts on al’s years in xing. if you guys have thoughts or criticisms let me know! i just wanna ramble lmao.

also don’t reblog lmao bc theres a lot of errors in here and its all sporadic and frankly embarrassing

okay so first things first i think in the two year gap between the promised day and the post canon adventures the brothers keep up a correspondence with ling and mei through letters (bc theyre planning this big adventure and its wild that they would show up unannounced even tho i know thats theyre style but als like. mmm dont want lan fan to execute me on sight)

side note! i think of xing as a relatively isolationist country, but with a phone and railway system that operates within itself, not on the outside (its a big country! people need to communicate!) ling is not against isolationism per say, only because drachma and amestris are still very much Major War Torn disasters, however ling puts a big emphasis on assisting refugees and families displaced by war. he also holds relatively frequent council with their bordering countries* *more on this later. but i dont see xing moving away from isolationism until ling is MUCH older. and even then most of their opening up mostly revolves around trade and world aid. 

ed sort of bangs his adventure out west in like a year and a half, because hes kinda. rarin to get back to rush valley and marry winry. al spends about three and a half years in xing bc he has to learn the language AND a brand new form of alchemic science. (with visits back to amestris for. weddings, occasional holidays and meeting his nephew and niece)

when al gets to xing the first thing he notices are 1) the food is incredible (though some of it is spicer than hed realize and amestrian food is blander than he thought)  2) the art and architecture is amazing and beautiful 3) he’s never worn silk before and he privately amends to never make that mistake again 4) ling has two modes Emperor mode and Ling mode (al has been on the receiving end of both 5) lan fan seems much happier 6) mei got taller

side note yes ed and winry have the emperor of xing and his sister, the princess and imperial alkahestrist at their wedding. no no one knows how the fuck to deal with it jfhgkjfdhjk

ling, in order to establish security for clans with less power appoints one family member from each clan to his court. hence why mei becomes imperial alkahestrist at 16. this ruffles a lot of feathers, and lings happy for it. 

in general one of lings biggest projects in his time as emperor is helping the poor and disenfranchised of xing. he has the aristocracy pretty much on its knees all the time. 

al spent so much time in the two years preparing for his trip studying up on xingese culture, tradition, and especially xingese aristocracy because he didnt want to offend an entire culture (he leaves that to ed) only for mei and ling to horrify the entire court by yanking al into a very tight HUG 

ling continues to horrify the court by asking al for advice and counsel in front of everyone lmao

lan fan has other family members! not just fu! she has a whole mom and two younger sisters. lan fan remains ling’s personal gaurd until she turns 20, and then she appointed captain of the guard. she really loves her job and honestly being home has made her 1000% more outgoing and confident (not when shes guarding tho obviously) 

lan fan’s family has their own suite in the palace, for being the yao’s families faithful servants. however once lan fan becomes captain of the guard she insists on sleeping in the barracks (this annoys ling greatly. though he doesn’t say anything)

mei is an INTENSE teacher. not so much izumi level bet she has al wake up at 6 am every day and run arrays for her until shes decided shes satisfied. al does not mind this, he likes watching the sun rise 

al takes awhile to learn xingese. and once he’s finally mastered it he’s better at speaking it than writing it (his script is basically chicken scratch) this sort of impedes his alkahestry lessons too because of a lot of the tomes and books on it are in xingese. a lot of al’s lessons are spent doing translations

jerso and zampano, somehow, pick up xingese stupid fast. al is furious lmao. 

winry and ed and their children (lil 1yr boy sig and actual baby baby girl nina) come out to visit at behest of ling. xing had no established automail program, just a few engineers here and there, so winry worked with him to train a few automail engineers. this becomes one of the only forms of trade that xing has with neighboring countries. an automail material trade agreement was presented by general mustang and signed off by emperor ling and furher grumman. (an eventually, would become a regular commodity of amestris under roy’s rule as furher) 

once his three years of research and study are up al (now 21, keeping track of ages for my benefit, bc this timeline largely exists in my head) heads back to amestris to write his paper and swap notes with ed, and eventually publish a book together. ed somehow earned a fucking PHD in three years while al was away. al is once again, is furious and super proud. (he privately amends to earn his in 2) he convinces mei (now 19) to tag along to help continue her own research on the link between alkahestry and alchemy. ling lets them go and starts a research initiative that funds their travels all over the world. 

mei and al visit scar alot on their travels, and while theyre in ishval they help out the community (doing wonderfully but still needs a hand every once in a while) wherever they can. mei’s always so excited to see scar. lots of hugs and catching up. scar always fixes al a hairy eye when he arrives with mei (note they are very much JUST friends at this point. scar does not care....probably having flashbacks from how quickly ed and winry got together fvjdghjkf) 

they also have tea with the newly promoted brigadier general and his captain every visit. who...share a tent. al and mei make sure not to comment. this does not stop jerso and zampano from commenting. (roy and riza are doing well though, and very much concede their authority to scar and miles on every deciding fact. reparations suits them) 

mei’s 22nd birthday is spent in ressembole where ed and winry and their babies have relocated. pinako (still holdin on strong) watches her great grand babies. ed and winry have alcohol for the first time in 5 years. chaos ensues. al and mei watch he stars and al starts to realize maybe. he might. have a crush. oh well. not going to address that. too much work to do. 

on al’s 27th birthday he has a mild crisis about how old he’s getting. ed, 28 a whole professor, with a third goddamn kid on the way, laughs at his pain. mei (24 now. jesus. im writing this why am i getting whiplash) receives a letter from miles telling her scar, much to humble to admit it, has been made lead representative speaker for ishval. he hints that al should be on the lookout for a letter coming his way. and sure enough, a letter asking if al would like to be the amestrian ambassador to xing arrives at their doorstep. 

and then its back to xing again to get ling to sign off on the order (of course he does) and to get his approval on al and mei’s courtship (re: not engagement. theyre very slow lmao). (that one requires a longer conversation wherein lan fan threatens al with a knife) 

[mswyrr]

lucifer s4 trailer

I think it looks really good! It looks like they’re digging into character and theme stuff I’ve wanted them to handle in depth.

Chloe

They started out well in S1&2 balancing the romance but I think that they delayed the reveal just a little too long with the stretched out S3, so here we’re getting the chance to catch up with important elements of Chloe’s side of things. Notably, her moral/identity struggle. It’s been limited by her lack of knowledge and that worked at first but leaning too heavily on Lucifer’s POV tends to lean towards pedestalizing her. She’s not actually PURE (tm) or else she wouldn’t find him so attractive as a person. As I mentioned in my meta post here, telling a “monster romance” like this, from the monster’s pov, does have that weakness of potentially not giving enough material on the fact that the heroine is attracted to the monster as a way of relating to her own darkness/suppressed desires.

And that is, I think, what she has to cope with here: she’s drawn to this person on a deep, soulful (in addition to physical lol) level. (When it was just physical, she wasn’t into him. She’s genuinely into him as a person.) He speaks to something in her deepest self... and now she has to deal with the horrifying moral/ethical/existential mindfuck of it turning out that this person she rings so true with--who is something to her no one else has ever been, who touches her heart in a way no one else has been able to reach--is, you know, SATAN lmao

Not “canon Satan” but still... And she just had a horrible clusterfuck of a relationship with Cain, so Biblical Evil is not exactly looking that shiny right now.

Linda never rang true soulfully with the guy like that - they just banged, you know? They’re good friends and they used to bang. And her self-identity isn’t structured so strongly around a fundamentally moral worldview as Chloe. Sure, Linda is a wonderful person! But her pov is more interpersonal/psychological, whereas Chloe really centers herself in her own deep thinking on what Right and Wrong are - something she’ll go against the tide of other peoples’ opinions to defend. She can be so strong! BUT the one thing that can absolutely destroy her is if her foundations are shaken...

Without that core she’s lost. She has to rebuild it from the ground up.

She’s an intensely moral atheist thrown into a world where all this supernatural crap is real and btw... this figure she was so drawn to, this trickstery sweetheart, kinda nuts but at his worst a self-destructive “homeless magician” is something far, far different than she thought.

Her foundations are how she manages to be so strong for others. That core of truth she’s worked out for herself. And that’s been ripped away. 

Lucifer is himself, with all the issues we know so well, so he’s really focused on his own self-worth stuff but IMO her conflict isn’t exclusively or primarily about whether she loves him enough, it’s about her own identity issues and this big question of “What even IS right and wrong in this new world?” and “Am I allowed to want this?” “What does it say about me that I love this person so much?”

Eve

This show is good about letting female characters be flawed and even do awful things but still be treated with narrative sympathy. I think Eve’s “You don’t have to change. You’re already perfect.” is clearly setting her up as representing the antithesis of the entire damn show, textually and meta-textually. It’s all about growth and redemption and change and she’s planting her flag against that.

IMO her classical role with Lucifer has been reversed: this time *she’s* the one offering the temptation.

And it’s not even about sex, drugs, and such. It’s just: give up and stop doing the painful work of growing. It hurts, why bother?

But I also trust that she will be handled with as much care as, say, Mum was, so I’m SO TOTALLY down for her. What she’s telling him is probably a lot about herself and her own issues - in choosing to have Eve show up they’ve got a female character who has been as misrepresented and vilified as Lucifer himself, which is going to be significant (since apparently she’s very no1curr about him killing her son??? LOL Okay, hey, if I had a son like that... /snort/).

Like, Eve was used to justify the oppression of women for centuries in the West. It was no joke. Early feminists actually had to reinterpret her in order to articulate their position. (“Eve’s Apology in Defense of Women” from 1611 by Amelia Lanyer is a personal fave of mine, in terms of women’s literary work and women’s history.)

I really hope that this show will give her due respect as a female mythological/religious/etc figure. In their wonderfully stylized totally bananas way ofc! They have a good track record on BONKERS theology and writing complex women, so I have every reason to be optimistic.

Overall Themes

For her part, I think the images of Chloe walking into the Catholic church and talking to the spooky religious guy is all about her being tempted in the opposite direction. Eve is all: go wild! Stop trying to work to be better, just be the perfect devil you are! And Chloe might very well be tempted by the comforting absolutism and clear “hard work” of the forms of false certainty people offer.

They did a really good job showing self-righteousness as a sin with Amenadiel’s fall and I think it would be really cool to represent moral certainty as a kind of “apple” that Chloe-as-New-Eve is tempted with now that her foundations have been ripped away.

Again, like with Eve--but doubly so because the writers love Chloe--I am confident this will be handled well.

IMO the core of the show is a kind of humanism/human goodness. Lucifer was broken by the cold absolutism of the celestial vision of goodness. And the fact that evil very much isn’t his thing either. Heaven and hell weren’t home, as he said to to Mum. LA is the only place he’s found belonging, and it’s explicit in the canon that it’s not just the place, it’s a person.

The warmth of the kind of fierce humanistic morality and love Chloe embraces, that feels like home. Humans let you be messy and incomplete and still worthy of love. They embrace struggle. They come up with genius things like “therapy.” They glory in all their contradictions.

They can, like Chloe, believe there is no God and yet be incredibly decent and loving.

She’s off-kilter because of the reveal and so too is he, each in their own way. They’re supposed to balance each other so when one is struggling the other will too. The goodness the show is aiming for can be compromised either by a truly selfish hedonism that doesn’t care about trying to do better by others or also by a moral absolutism which is harsh and unkind. This is because self-righteousness is ultimately also putting your own satisfaction above the well-being of others, just like a selfish hedonism is. The pleasures of the two are superficially different, but at core they’re the same. I think it’s cool paralleling if they’re tempted by these respective sins in the show’s moral vision.

The idea of them both being tempted and struggling and then coming back together could be really amazing. With the clearly increased budget for visuals, I am hoping we get a really great poetic visual moment of them coming back together. That could make for an eXCELLENt arc.

[dbzebra]

Not Just A Fling

Authors Note: So a few weeks ago, someone in my discord chat psted a fic that within the very first paragraph had Goten and Marron break up and say they were just a fling. Safe to say I was a lil butthurt. In response, I made this out of pure spite. It’s cheesy as fuck but at this point idc lmao

(Also, Marron is only 1 year younger than Goten as opposed to 3 in this. So shes 17 while hes 18. Just keep that in mind)

Pairing: Goten x Marron

Time Period: 11 years after Buu / 1 year post EOZ

Words: 1958

Son Goten stared at his now mostly empty bedroom. Boxes were stacked on the floor next to his old dresser. He still couldn't believe that he was going away to college tomorrow. He spent his whole life on Mt. Paozu and now he was leaving. At least temporarily. He could never truly move away. City life was not a permanent thing for him.

Until senior year, the eighteen year-old had no intention in going to college-and his parents were okay with that. If he really wanted to he could've just asked Bulma for a job at Capsule Corporation and she would've gave him one in a heartbeat. But boring office life wasn't his thing at all. He'd go crazy after a week of filing papers and answering phones about the same old crap. So he figured he'd give it a shot. College life was supposed to be so much better than high school, right?

At least, that's what Trunks told him. Goten's lifelong partner in crime was just finishing his freshman year at West City University, and the boys couldn't wait to dorm together.

Marron was sitting on the bed, happily twirling her golden locks in her fingers as Goku and Goten made the finishing touchings on packing. A part of him couldn’t believe they’d been dating for three years already.

"All set buddy?" Goku said, placing the last box down.

"Yeah, I'm good. Can you go check on Mom for me? She might still be a mess."

Goku smiled and went to find his wife. "Good idea."

He was going to miss the early morning training routine with his younger son. Goten had restarted his training back when he and Marron started going out a few years back. Nothing made Goku more proud than to see the great men his boys had become. Though despite not having his father’s extra push, Goten promised to keep up his training. He vowed to one day surpass his father.

“Trunks is comin’ right?” Marron asked him. She had on a white blouse, a pink skirt and matching shoes. Her long blonde hair cascaded down her shoulders and back.

“Yeah, he just pulled up. He’s takin’ some stuff to the place now so it’ll be less of a load tomorrow.”

Goten went out into the living room to see his dad comforting a distraught Chi-Chi. The day she never thought would come finally came. Her baby boy was leaving her for good and never coming back. At least in her mind he was. Despite everything Goku said, it seemed to only make Chi-Chi cry more.

"Come on, honey. Goten can visit any time with Instant Transmission. Besides, you didn't cry this much when Gohan left..."

"Because... I-I still had m-m-my baby... And n-now... he's leaving!" Chi-Chi wailed and melted back into sobs while Goku rubbed her back.

Goten glanced to Goku who smiled sadly. Goten flashed his father an apologetic look before going outside to meet Trunks who had just pulled up in his capsule car.

He greeted Trunks with a signature fist-bump and led the older Saiyan inside.

"Classes start Tuesday right? Because of the holiday Monday." Goten asked as they walked in.

Marron waved to Trunks who nodded back.

"Yeah, but the real shit don't even start until like two weeks later. Syllabus week is a pain but you literally just gotta show up."

"Hey that's the part I'm good at. The rest? Not so much."

Trunks chuckled. "You would say that."

"How's the place lookin? It's all fixed up right?"

"Man, it's gonna be wild. You and me on our own, we finally get to live! The campus is sick too. We got a townhouse all to ourselves and it's only a block from the food court!" Trunks went on about what it was like. He roomed by himself last year, and had a blast. But this year- this year would be another level.

"I'll probably be at the food court more than the dorm!" Goten joked. "That place'll be outta business by the end of the month!"

"...Dude, I'm telling you. Our place is gonna be chick city!" Trunks put an arm around his friend’s shoulder.

Marron flinched.

Goten shook his head, laughing. "Do you hear yourself? You sound like a frat boy when you're the furthest thing from it. Besides, I'm spoken for. Right babe?" He looked to his beautiful girlfriend.

She cracked a smile at Goten's joke, but her face hid a tinge of sadness... or was it worry? He couldn't tell.

"Mare? Something wrong?" He asked. He tuned Trunks out as he kept carrying on about the possibilities.

Marron took a deep breath and wiped her eyes before looking up at Goten sadly. "Trunks is right... One of these days... you'll meet some hot sorority girl with much more experience and forget all about me..." She sniffled.

Goten looked stunned while Trunks instantly bad. "Marron, I was just..."

She shook her head, looking away from him. "Maybe it's better that we… that just save ourselves the heartbreak and-"

Goten gently cut her off with a kiss. She was stunned at first but soon relaxed into it. Goten pulled the blonde to her feet and continued kissing her to show how much she meant to him. Marron felt all the doubt in her mind wash away as she kissed him back.

Once they broke apart, Marron gaped up at him breathlessly. Her heart was still caught in her throat.

"Mare, I love you." He said with that same smile that always melted her heart. "You're the only girl I need. I don't care how many other girls there are, I only want you. You're not some silly fling to me. You're my best friend. I love you. And when you come to WCU next year, I'll show the most amazing girlfriend in the world to everyone on campus."

Marron felt the pain and worry leave her heart as relief washed over her. It was all in her head after all. "I love you too. I'm sorry, I just- I just thought about losing you and I..."

"Never in a million years."

Trunks grinned and put his hands on his hips. "I figured. More girls for me then! With my good looks they won't keep their hands off me!"

"Yeah until you open your mouth and then they run for their lives." Goten replied back with a grin of his own. Trunks rolled his eyes and chuckled.

Marron sighed happily and laid back on the bed. "Come to think it, dating a college boy is pretty hot."

“So is dating head cheerleader.”

"Gross." Trunks gagged. "Get a room."

"We're already in my room." Goten joked.

"Oh shut up!" Trunks fired back and turned to send a quick message on his phone. Work stuff. He hated having to work at Capsule Corp. That was partly the reason he enrolled in school despite not needing to -to get his mom off his back. Honestly if he had an out, he'd take it in a heartbeat. "So seriously though, we gotta plan how this place is gonna look!"

"We need a sick game room. Oh! And a second game room." Goten added.

"And a gravity chamber!"

"Don't forget a guest room."

"Why? For when Marron visits?"

"Nah, she'd sleep in my room." Goten turned to wink at her. Blushing, Marron smiled and winked back.

Trunks smirked. "We'd better make sure it's soundproof then."

Marron coughed and hide her blushing face while Goten laughed with a hand behind his head.

"That's what I thought." Trunks smirked.

The blonde then noticed a small white box on the side of his bed. Goten saved that box for last. It was probably the most important thing of them all.

"What's in this?"

Goten grinned. "Take a look."

She opened it up and gasped.

It was everything from their dates over the years, including stuff that dated back to childhood. The movie ticket from their first date was on top. Photo booth pictures, arcade tickets, toys from when they were kids, and more. And most of all, a used-up old Ring Pop wrapped in an old piece of paper.

Marron could cry. Of happiness this time. In fact she almost did. "You actually kept this?"

She unwrapped the old piece of paper and giggled. In blue crayon was an agreement on the rules of the game.

'Marriage Rules.'

Rule 1: be nice

Rule 2: hold hands

Rule 3: step on any icky spiders

Rule 4: kiss on the cheek once a day

However rule 4 was crossed out in black crayon and said 'no cooties' under it.

Below the rules was their little signatures next to each other in sloppy writing.

Goten came over her shoulder and grinned. "I still laugh whenever I look at that."

"Dummy. A beautiful girl offers to kiss you and you turn it down?" She flipped her hair behind her back, feigning anger.

"I was seven! Besides, that's one of the best parts now."

"Oh yeah?" Marron purred and leaned closer to him. "Prove it."

Trunks groaned before anything could go any further. "Jesus you two. Could you knock it off for five seconds? I'm gonna throw up."

Marron giggled again and looked to the old Ring Pop. Goten ate it within an hour. She remembered being upset with him at the time. But still- he kept it.

"You remember all this, right?"

"I remember you forcing him, Marron. And you made me be the dog!"

"Can it." She quipped, smirking at him. Trunks only laughed. "Of course I remember." She smiled.

Those days of childhood were like a distant memory now.

Goten hugged Marron from behind and then spun her around to kiss her forehead. "We should try the real thing one of these days."

Marron looked up at him in shock, her cheeks flushing pink. "...What did you just say?"

Trunks couldn't believe his ears. Did he just hear what he think he just heard? He blinked, and then blinked again. He stared at Goten similar to how Marron was.

Goten nodded and kissed her again. He took a deep breath. He didn’t even feel nervous. Not even a bit. "...Marron, will you marry me?”

Marron stared up at him, covering her mouth with her hand as happy tears freely flowed now. Every ounce of her wanted to scream with joy as he continued babbling.

“Once I finish school... we can have a real wedding. Like the one you've always dreamed about. I know it’s sudden, a-and I don't have a ring yet, but-"

Marron flung her arms around Goten, cutting him off with a deep kiss. All the joy in the world couldn’t describe what she was feeling right now. What she had wanted since she was a child finally came true. She was the happiest girl alive. She pulled back, smiling as bright as could be. “Yes. A million times yes. Let's do it. Let's get married."

Goten grinned wider than he ever did and cheered. He picked Marron up and swung his girlfriend-no, fiancee around in his arms, laughing together. After another long blissful kiss, Goten put the blonde back on her own two feet.

She rested her head on his shoulder as neither moved from their embrace. "I love you so much Goten..."

"I love you too, Mare." He smiled and buried his face into hair.

Trunks ran up and congratulated his two best friends with a big group hug. The best part was-- he got to be the best man. His speech was gonna be amazing.

They were really engaged. The next part-- telling their parents. It was a small step in starting their new life together, but they were ready for anything.

[umnachtung]

survey stealing prof at the lose again

questions taken from @in-love-with-a-trans-girl

A

Achievements: Got higher education, studied Game Design and graduated with very good results. Haven’t done a murder yet, that’s good, right?

Age: 28 goblin years

Are you planning something right now? planning a painting for my parent’s bed room, surviving the current pandemic. loosey gooesy planning on getting a job??

Arizona or Alaska: both got cool landscape. I’m probably more likely to enjoy Alaska climate tho.

B

Birthdate: 3rd of March, 1993

Build: average height, sturdy(?)

Babies, do you have any? Does my cat count?

Blonde or Brunette: I’m naturally blonde but dye my hair a lot. <- same

C

Childhood sweetheart: thats too straight for me.

Current mood: Okay? Trying to wake up properly still.

Children, are there more in your future? More cats, probably. And mind children, aka original characters for drawing and roleplaying. I don’t see myself as an actual parent.

Coke or Pepsi: neither. I don’t drink that.

D

Dad’s name: Andreas.

Dating anyone: Nay.

Do you plan on having lots of money? Not planning on but wouldn’t it be nice?!

Dogs or cats: cats. dogs are cute too, tho.

E

Elementary School: the start  of getting bullied

Eye color: Green <- same

Ever going to China? probably not.

Early or Late: Late.

F

First Crush: My BFF, I guess?

Fears: heights, phone calls and emails, embarrassing myself, failure, no progress and being stuck in life

Future goals: move out, get a job, and stop being so fuckin’ emo

Funny or Serious: Alas I am a clown.

G

Grandparent’s names: I don’t remember, but my dad’s mom was refered to as Oma Katze.

GPA: 2,4 in Abitur, but who cares? it’s a freakin number.

Going anywhere this weekend?  Maybe to a friend’s place to give her something.

Giver or Taker: Both. Life has to be balanced. <- agreed

H

High School: Lord have Mercy and Jesus take the Wheel.

Hair color: dark red, done with henna.

Hate anyone for life? Anyone who hurt and wronged my friends.

Hairspray or Gel: Pomade because I’m a 50s rocknroll boy.

I

In 8th grade, who was your best friend? Selena and Abelina

Is ignorance bliss? Sometimes?

Is there anything you wanna share? I would love to share rich people’s money with the rest of the world.

Ice Cream or Cake: Cake.

J

Jumped rope for fun: As a kid, yes. IDK if I still know how to do it.

Junk around you right now? The usual desk clutter, also my trash bin?

Joining anything anytime soon? Not that I am aware of.

January or July: January if there is proper snow. July if it is not too hot.

K

Killed anyone: Only with my killer jokes.

Keeping a secret? Ain’t we all?

Kicking someone off your top friends today? What is this? a USA High School Drama?

Kiwi or Apple: Kiwi.

L

Lost anyone close to you: Not really. My cat was probably the closest thing dear to me that I ever lost. R.I.P. Kaveri <3 <- same, RIP Nera

Last kiss, when and who: IDFK. It’s been 87 years

List 3 people that you’ll love forever: Nicole, Rhoda, Abelina I supposeee? 3 is not enough lmao.

Lover or Fighter: I will kick your ass, I will kick my own ass.

M

Middle School: Jesus took the Wheel.

Marital Status: None of your business.

Mom’s name: Allexandra

Music or TV: Music, what is this the early 2000s?

N

Northernmost state you’ve been to: Ostsee/ Nordsee. :,D

Nickname: Toni, Prof

Name your future boy and girl: Felix or Caspar, Sam(antha) or Artemis(?)

Naughty or Nice: Bastard wi th a cause.

O

Opened a piece of mail that wasn’t yours? Yeah, but it’s usually like, advertisment stuff for my parents and nothing personal.

Occupation: disgusting unemployed parasite who doesnt contribute to society and capitalism, aka artist.

Owe anyone money: Don’t believe so.

Outgoing or Shy: Depends on the person.

P

Place you most want to be? Anywhere in nature, away from the city. Preferable near water.

Purposely destroyed someone’s life? Waste of time and energy tbh.

Planning a major trip? Nope. It’s pandemic time, baby.

Pink or Black? Black. <- same

Q

Quit a class: Does only showing up to the final exam count?

Quickly…the first word to come to mind: Help

Quitting your job soon? No job to quit here.

Quiet or Loud: Quiet. <- yas, queen

R

Riding in an airplane: Annoying as fuck. There is nothing to do and you cant really get up and moving.

Ride, tell me about yours: public transport is my steed.

Running for any political office in the future? Running them over with my public transport steed.

Rain or Snow: Snow. <- heck yay

S

Siblings names and ages: Mona, 29

Shoe size: EU 39 <- same

Shave daily? nope.

Shower or Bath: Bath, can’t really shower comfortable in the bathroom here.

T

Turning 21 was (will be): I don’t even remember that year.

Texas, ever been? No, not interested tbh.

Think you’ll live to be 100? no.

Tame or Wild: Depends on who you ask.

U

Unique quality about you: Uhhhhhh....idk.

Underwear on? Yeah, it’s too cold to go comando.

Under your bed lies: A portion of my room.

Under or Over: I take the ground below you.

V

Virgin? Protip: stay one so you have access to virgin blood for your rituals.

Vacation time left? lol

Voting in the next Presidential election? No president where I live. <- same but gonna vote in the next election

Volleyball or Swimming: Swimming!!!! <3 <3 <- same, let me live my wet dreams

W

Went white water rafting? That looks dangerous.

Wearing right now: PJs, pink-green striped t shirt and green flower pattern lounge pants

Write a sentence about you: Toni transports thousands of trolls through the training track.

West Coast or East Coast: Weizentoast.

X

X-Rays in the past month: I think my jaw at the dentist?

X-Mas plans: NO, ITS TO EARLY: PLEASE STOP.

X, does it mark the spot? On Maps probably.

X-Tina or Britney? Christina has better songs imo. Wish Britney could do what she wanted in life tho.

Y

You lost “it” when? I am about to fuckin’ lose it every second now. 

Your favorite song: Tool - Parabola

Your favorite place on Earth: Not been to enough places yet.

Yes or No: No.

Z

Zodiac Sign: Pisces

Zippos are neat, agree? Yes.

Zoo or Circus: Zoo.

[napstablooks]

for that ask meme thing,,, do all of them >:Oc

oh god

oh god are you sure

well…

HERE GOES I GUESS,

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen, Fly On The Wall - Joey Pecoraro, Fourth of July - Sufjan Stevens, All the Angels - MCR, For Emma - Bon Iver, and Shelter by Porter Robinson2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Nick Valentine’s voice actor.3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

”Before I could fasten them, light poured down on me and there he was without a shirt, holding a flashlight.”4: What do you think about most?

My friends.5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

”Ur gay lol”6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

I sleep with them on because I’m a cold bitch7: What’s your strangest talent?

I type on my phone so much I’ve memorized the keyboard. Is that a talent8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

Girls are fucking hot

Boys are soft9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

god one can dream can’t they10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

a few weeks ago i think hah11: Do you have any strange phobias?

honestly none that I can think of right now but I used to be scared of the lamp in my basement as a kid I thought it would eat me12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

many times13: What’s your religion?

I’m agnostic!14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

probably walking! I love taking walks15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

I’m awful at photography so probably in front of it16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

oh god uh. good question. the front bottoms? got me through a lot17: What was the last lie you told?

honest to god it was that i wasn’t depressed when i was18: Do you believe in karma?

yes. not super strongly, but if someone does bad shit and something to happens, ima just watch from a distance.19: What does your URL mean?

it’s from Undertale! my favorite ghost kid!20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

greatest weakness: can’t take criticism because of schizoid.greatest strength: I’m very accepting and I care for everyone.21: Who is your celebrity crush?

MMMMM Krysten Ritter is my MOTHER22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

nah dude I’m underage and lonely23: How do you vent your anger?

by hurting myself. deadass. this isn’t to be dramatic. that or i scream a lot24: Do you have a collection of anything?

JOURNALS! i have over 2025: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

video chatting 26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

in a lot of ways no, but in some ways… yes. yes i am.27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

sound i hate: crunching of anythingsound i love: wood crackling fire!28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

what if nobody really loves me?29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

yes and yes!30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

right arm: my therapy journal hahaleft arm: my teddy bear, Roger!!31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

laundry detergent! i just washed my blanket32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

a hospice in my town33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

West Coast even though I’m living in the hell of the east coast rn34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

god i don’t fuckin know 35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

to make yourself enjoy it as much as possible and help others get there along the way!36: Define Art.

something you create because of a feeling (or no feeling).37: Do you believe in luck?

Yes! kind of like I believe in karma.38: What’s the weather like right now?

it’s 7 am here and its slightly warm, but clear out 39: What time is it?

7:12 am!40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

Nope! don’t have my license yet41: What was the last book you read?

I think it was Sharp Objects42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

sorta - after a while it makes me sick43: Do you have any nicknames?

Bee, Robino, Robee, Rob44: What was the last film you saw?

A Beautiful Mind!45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

idk i think i sprained my ankle a few times but otherwise i don’t do enough to get injured46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

yep!!!!47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

Overwatch! it’s been an obsession since about july of 201648: What’s your sexual orientation?

not sure right now. pan with a preference towards girls maybe?49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

not big ones but yeah50: Do you believe in magic?

yes!!!!!!!!!!51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

yeah i’m a super angry person :/52: What is your astrological sign?

Virgo 53: Do you save money or spend it?

i spend it so bad lmao. i don’t have any rn though cause no income source54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

pizza :D55: Love or lust?

love, always. always always.56: In a relationship?

nope! just got out of one about a week ago.57: How many relationships have you had?

4! only two of them meant anything.58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

no i’m a failure ;A;59: Where were you yesterday?

i was @ my house sleeping60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

yep! a music box from my mom61: Are you wearing socks right now?

no they are evil62: What’s your favourite animal?

SEA OTTER!!!!!!!63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

i make them feel super comfortable around me! i love it when people are themselves around me, it makes me feel trusted. i don’t do it out of malice or anything ;-;64: Where is your best friend?

at her house a few miles away from me…i get to see her today!65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

-esuerc (is that how you spell it?)-mercysblaster-moon-goblin-mojavemessenger-welcome-to-far-harbor(these aren’t in order)

66: What is your heritage?

whitest of the white. irish or something? i think? fuck if i know anymore67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

streaming overwatch on twitch haha68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

trump.69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

fuck yeah dude who do you think i am lmao70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

i think so! i think I’m a very caring and loving person. id like to come to me for my problems, yknow?71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

fuck my job save the dog i can always find a new job but i can’t always save a dog’s life72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a - yes. i tell everyone.b - i enjoy myself the most i can. c - no. i’m not afraid of dying.73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

fuck. trust. i guess.74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

don't stop me now by queen! never ceases to make me smile like a dumb idiot75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

3309 hah76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

trust. absolutely. and being comfortable and putting everything out in the open.77: How can I win your heart?

make me feel trusted and give me love. lots of love.78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

of course it can! 79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

realizing that i am my own. nobody else’s.80: What size shoes do you wear?

9 women’s heck off81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

i always knew it would end like this! dammit!82: What is your favourite word?

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

smiling…a heart full of love.84: What is a saying you say a lot?

”big mood”85: What’s the last song you listened to?

Concrete - This Wild Life86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

PERIWINKLE !!!!!87: What is your current desktop picture?

it’s a cool map i found while researching DnD dungeon layouts!88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

trump!!!!89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

”why do you lie?”90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

i’d freak out but i mean if they just chilling they can be my friends91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

oh shit to freeze time obviously92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

the time that i had a long talk with a friend at 3 am. you know who you are. i can’t remember anything that good for the past few years.93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

being abused.94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

FUCK UHHHH carly rae jepson95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

hdkjhajk omg idk uhhh probably new york to visit my friend shivani96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

nah fam97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

yep!98: Ever been on a plane?

i have and i hated it99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

please, just let there be love.

YOU’RE WELCOME, ANON!

[possibilistfanfiction]

hiya! i notice you tag a lot of your posts with 'nora, sloane, etc.' i understand these are characters for a story you're doing. i'm curious: what's the story about?

ok ! well @turnandchasethewind (olivia) & i have been working on the sketches for this show for like. a Long time lmao it has as most projects do grown & changed & become something entirely its own & i think it’s really awesome & lovely & am rly rly jazzed for it to move forward one day

anyway the working title for it is called views, & it basically follows sloane & nora, best friends who live & work in toronto. they met when they were 18/19 at a catering gig (terrible) & theyre the kind of love that is this epic soft quiet fun powerful love between female friends. they’re young & they’re a little lost always, & the world hurts, but like. they’re Good. the current storyline begins when they’re in their early/mid-twenties & nora meets ridley, who becomes her girlfriend. ridley is rly rly lovely & beautiful & whip smart & v kind & sloane hates her which is altogether mostly funny but a little sad

sloane ideally would be played by maia mitchell just for a visual but like. a grungier cooler hot mess version of maia bc like. sloane is a trash kid she’s our absolute fav she has tons of stick n pokes & her hair is a mess or buzzed (or both) & she will wear vans until they r literally falling off. she shops mostly at black market & she got this bike off kijiji that’s like 800% terrifying. she was diagnosed with bipolar I when she was 18 & shes on meds but its obviously still smth she deals with every day. shes from vancouver & she dropped out of mcgill after An Episode but mostly bc she hated it & she moved to toronto a few months after that (which is p much immediately when she met nora). shes like our token white character shes funny everyone drags her constantly abt so many things but they Love sloane. she eats Shit food unless nora’s parents buy her groceries & she drinks a lot & sometimes she has lil spirals but she has a dog named carly rae who helps a lot. she also has a big brother named whit he’s trans & he lives in brooklyn & she Adores him. shes a tremendously talented musician but ofc being a musician is v difficult so she also works a bunch of weird jobs between music gigs. she lives in a funky apartment in kensington w like six rotating roommates. she plays sets at the beaver all the time. if sloane was gonna write a song it would be ‘young’ by vallis alps but if sloane had a themesong its a tie between i wanna get better by bleachers & control by halsey & buzzcut season by lorde & then a rly rly sad cover of i rly like you by carly rae

nora is laura harrier bc like Hot & also biracial so thats dope. shes a baker & she works at a rly cute lil bakery on queen west & she always looks so pretty & put together & she rides this beautiful linus bike everywhere w a fucking basket & everything she wears so much birds of north america & oak + fort & rly just anything from victoire & she has like 12 pairs of blundstones. shes from etobicoke & her parents are both immigrants so nora is first generation canadian shes v v invested in how that all interacts shes a smart cool kid. she’s bisexual she came out when she was 16 bc she Literally got drunk in a closet & she has a history of dating Truly shitty ppl so sloane is like v v Hesitant when she falls for ridley. she has some beautiful tattoos & some silly stick n pokes, mostly w sloane. she has a rly cool little sister named kennedy who goes to ryerson & nora went to george brown. shes rly passionate abt intersectional feminism & she volunteers w a few different organizations around the city that help lgbtq+ youth shes like. a Good person & also sloane ADORES her & nora is in a v real kinda love w sloane theyre the v best pals. also girl can Drink. once a month regardless of how cold it is she & sloane make rly good pot brownies & go to trinity bellwoods & eat them & they end up Laughing a lot. nora also fosters w save our scruff bc she & sloane adopted carly rae together but carly rae is like an emotional support animal for sloane so she spends most of her time at sloane’s apartment so bc of that nora likes to foster dogs its rly cute. she has a beautiful lil tiny studio off euclid & queen. if nora had a themesong its like some dope gay (bi) ass mix of company by tinashe & feelin myself by nicki but then she meets ridley so shes like all night by bey

pls know that nora & sloane sometimes get Rly drunk at the greenroom in the annex mostly bc they love smoking in the lil alleyway its like. their trash special place. & their songs r like. california by grimes & love gang by whethan ft charli xcx & ribs by lorde 

ok in our heads ridley is played by aj but mostly bc its hot & we love her lol, ideally ridley is quebecois metis. she has a degree in physics but her parents just both died so shes kinda taking a break from everything & rn shes a florist in the shop next to noras bakery on queen west. shes from montreal but she went to school in the states & she has a longtime ex named ash. theyre non binary & ridley & ash are still rly good friends which sloane is like Suspicious abt but nora is like sloane jfc. ridley is rly smart she wears a Lot of stay home club & j brands & she & nora have a lot of shoes n boots that look almost identical. shes queer & shes kinda just been queer forever? her parents were scientists so it was always a v inclusive educated lil home she grew up in. she was named after ridley scott & everyone always jokes that she was conceived during alien lol & honestly she probably was. shes rly funny & she has beautiful tattoos & pretty pretty eyes & nora falls for her rly fast. she has a lil quebecois accent & sometimes she forgets words in english when shes drunk or tired. she & nora first kiss outside of the beaver in the snow theyre in the alley behind the gladstone w rly beautiful street art they were smoking cigarettes & its just. soft. so queer. ridleys lil songs r hold by vera blue & 21 moon water by bon iver & Mostly corbeau by coeur de pirate

sloane has a plot twist & falls in love w jack who is half-japanese & hes rly good friends w ridley which is the plot twist part a little but the BIG plot twist part is that she falls in love at all bc she is Convinced no one can handle her & she isnt stable enough for romantic love etc etc. but jack is so good hes so smart & hes a music therapist for kids on the spectrum its like Absurd how good a person he is. hes trans & hes abt to have top surgery like a few months after he meets sloane & she goes for a while & is like blah blah im not in love w him whatever its just sex but then shes So worried abt him being ok during & after surgery & she cares abt him so much & she gets Rly drunk & cries abt it to nora its funny. one day sloane is having a rly rly bad lil depressive episode & nora has been outta town all weekend w her parents & kennedy at their cottage in muskoka & so nora texts jack like. yo sloane has bipolar i she shouldve told u this but like i gotta tell u now bc shes havin a meltdown so pls go over & bring her food from fresh get the falafel tacos & like all the pressed juice ill venmo you & Pls make her shower if she buzzed her hair try to find the scalp treatment i got her from lush its in her dresser top drawer. also shes gonna wanna drink just let her do that & make sure she takes her meds she’ll be ok itll take a day or two & hes like ok. a lot but ok. & he goes & he brings sloane food & a tshirt of his & he gets her into the shower & out to the couch & puts on superstore & she curls up into him on one side & carly rae on the other & she cries a little but honestly its not so bad & like. hes so in love w her its wild she never thought that would happen its a fun plot twist even olivia & i didnt plan on

so anyway the whole show is kinda an ode to toronto & an ode to being young & in love w your friends in a rly profound way & also what its like to fall in love w ppl u might wanna spend ur life with, a kinda love thats v new. its abt queerness & gender & race in a way thats v much present but all of the main characters r rly informed & rly like passionate abt intersectional feminism & thats a cool aspect we r both v excited abt. also sloane deals v realistically w a balance between being stable w bipolar I & also being v creative & v connected to making music which is smth thats v important to me esp. nora was sexually assaulted before she met ridley (HATE!) but we delve into that as well. 

mostly like. its just ‘we’re never done w killing time/ can i kill it w you/ i’d like it if you stayed’ 

[therefinedrebel]

So I Now Have a Buzzcut

Surprise! I relatively recently decided to go natural and this weekend I did the “big chop”.

There’s no where to start but at the beginning so I’ll start there.

My great grandma was a white British lady, great grandpa was from the West Indies. My grandpa inherited a naturally soft texture of hair as a result, and my mom got her hair from him. Because of this she always had hair that was relatively easy to maintain, and that grew way down to her back almost effortlessly. So when she had kids with my dad, whose genes seem to be pretty much your typical Afro-Caribbean all around, she just couldn’t deal with our coarser hair types.

And I say all this to state that I’ve had my hair relaxed since I was 6 years old. I don’t even really remember my hair before that, and can only tell from pictures and stories about what it was like. I know that once when I was little I fell asleep with gum in my mouth and when I woke up it was all over my hair, so mum had to cut my hair into two “picky” pigtails - though it was so short at the time it could barely fit. And pictures do show that it was very thick and frankly looking frazzled and dry.

But my relaxed hair was a great source of pride for me, because it was always much softer and longer than my siblings and anyone else in my family except my mom. It was pretty normal for people to ask me if I was wearing a wig/weave, and when I was in my prime it was so long and healthy that people didn’t even ask anymore - they just straight up assumed it was weave and asked where I bought such great quality.

I just couldn’t understand how some of my friends - including my best friend - didn’t have or want relaxed hair. My bff (and other friends) said their hair actually dropped when they attempted to relax it, so just remained natural after and I just couldn’t get it. Despite this my bff has been encouraging me to go natural for a looooong time, insisting that I could still have the long hair but just in a more healthy way.

She never was overbearing with it, although her insistence did become stronger during those few tough months leading up to me having to leave Canada when my hair was thinning out very badly from all the stress.

But the problem is - or was- that I HATE curly hairstyles. i think they can look very cute on others, don’t get me wrong. But personally I’ve hated whenever my hair got put into curls, even from when I was little. I’ve been the kind of girl who knows what she wants for a very long time, and curls are not it. For me that was what really made the natural thing lose its appeal. I very much love the ideology of going natural - that you’re not spending all this money to chemically alter your hair as if there is something inherently wrong with your natural hair that must be changed.

But for my personal style it was just the biggest turn off. Bestie insisted I could just straighten it but to me that suggested that it would not last as long as a relaxer so I shunned it.

BUT.

When I came back to this shithole that is my hometown, I had to keep cutting my hair over and over again because that thin spot in the back just refused to heal. It would grow as far as to my shoulders again, but never back to the glorious back-length that I had before. It would always be breaking in that one spot and I’d have to cut to barely neck-length once again.

So, earlier this year my sister went natural. She did a big chop but after transitioning for a while so she had some length by the time she went through with it. For her it’s different because, unlike me, she’s always loved curls so going natural made all the sense in the world. While relaxed she would often get curly styles then not comb her hair for days to keep the curls in, and now that she’s natural she gets to do all that while keeping it healthy. I’ll come back to this point later but seeing her progress was actually very reassuring for me when I eventually decided to join #teamnatural.

But in all seriousness it was actually spirituality that led me to this path and I sincerely thank my Goddesses and my ancestors for the guidance.

You see, having to move back “home” from Canada was incredibly traumatizing for me. And I often lamented over what I’d lost. Especially since at work there have been a few co-workers that function at the high school level so have been doing their best to turn the office into a “clique” situation and “bully” me. It has been grotesquely annoying because while I am their superior, I don’t have any actual power to enforce rules and my boss largely lets them run wild. my entire situation at work has been a shit show to be quite frank, because I do a lot but don’t get paid half of what I’m worth and have had -50 luck with finding another job because the economy is that shitty and my degree in English hasn’t exactly been helpful in a small ass town.

It was a source of great frustration and one day it came boiling over. My misophonia was being aggravated, the work environment was incredibly unprofessional to say the least, and I felt I was putting in so much more than I was getting back. And I got incredibly depressed, and starting once again thinking of how much I had lost in Canada. All that potential, all that happiness - lost. And for what? So I could be forced into this hell on Earth scenario?

It made me feel incredibly isolated spiritually as well. After all this time I had come to superficially accept that, for whatever reason, I was meant to be back here now. but I couldn’t rationalize why. i actually very seriously considered that I was being punished for something or many things, and that it was my curse to live out this sentence.

And then I realized something. While I’d been getting more into doing tarot readings, and actually doing a few for some of my bff’s friends, I never actually consulted the cards about what happened with Canada, and why the path led me here.

So I spent some time doing personal readings which were so clear they astounded me, and I spent some time meditating and thinking about my life based on the guidance from the cards. And I came to the conclusion that I’m here to start over with a fresh slate so that I can develop the life I want.

Letting go had been an incredibly hard lesson, but one I learned after all the kicking and screaming. But in a way I was still resisting by being so disgusted with my being here, rather than seeking to find the meaning of it.

When I was in high school, I didn’t care about anything. And I do mean anything, including physical appearance. I walked around looking quite terrible and not giving a shit because I hated everyone and everything, and nothing had meaning, but more importantly there was no need for me to care. I had no one to impress, no great mission to accomplish, I was honestly in a pessimistic way just being - which is the very goal of meditation (albeit in a different way).

Reflecting on the adult high school that is basically my work environment helped me to make the connections on this. That I’m here once again to just be. To just exist in a cocoon and take advantage of the freedom of not giving a shit so that I can develop my life into the butterfly I would like to see, and would be happy with.

The second part of the lesson, which I hadn’t even thought about until this point, was what comes after Letting Go - Beginning Again.

This was around the New Moon in Leo (talk about a real fire starter) and thinking on how the different aspects of the Triple Goddess shape me differently.

I  felt compelled to complete the cycle. To complete my letting go of the past - releasing the pangs of nostalgia and the resentment. To stop passively resisting the change - thinking on what I “lost” and longing to return. To stop investing in that which does not serve my greatest good - the bullshit at work and throwing myself so much into it, and letting my idiot co-workers get under my skin. To let myself be humbled and take this time to be “ugly” and not yet developed while moving into where I need to be.

So when all of this was thrown together in the pot of my life, I decided it was time to let go of my hair too. To start over anew, the natural & healthy way. I decided one evening, and the more I thought about it the more I decided to go for it.

I cleaned the house after not having the energy to for months. I started a diet regimen to lose weight and get down to where I’d like to be, and I forgive myself if I splurge one or two days a week. I started picking up hobbies that I’d put aside, and when I have some funds coming in I’m going to complete an online course. I’m meant to be at the “imperfect” in between stage right now, and I’ve come to terms & peace with that.

For a while I was thinking about whether I should transition or chop, but ultimately I decided I didn’t want to be carrying the past on my back anymore so decided to just completely shave it all in one go. Plus a hairdresser once told me that my hair apparently grows from its ends so keeping the past there literally seemed to only be stunting my growth.

I told no one, except bestie and even then I only spilled a few days before cause I was bursting with excitement and couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. My sister screamed when she saw me lmao, and it got my family buzzing about it very quickly.

But I absolutely LOVE the way it turned out. It felt soooo right to have it all sheared, even though the hairdresser kept stopping at different lengths and asking me if I was sure. I had no tears or regret, and even now my soul just feels so uplifted with my decision to accept this and begin anew.

I wholeheartedly plan on being a “straight hair natural” because as I’ve said, that’s just me. But this is of course a whole new journey for me since I’ve never had to actually deal with my or anyone’s natural hair. Plus I get now why they call it a natural hair journey, and it’s because everyone’s hair is different. There is so much exploring of my own self to do!

So far I can see that my hair grows in a similar pattern to my grandfather on my mom’s side - the top grows forward and the rest falls to its respective side. I remember being a kid watching him brush his hair and now I do it the same way lol. It’s just amazing that I’m almost 30 and never once knew that my hair grows like that.

My hair also feels very soft though, and since it’s known to grow quickly I’m excited to see how it will turn out. I have no idea what I’ll do to get it straight when it’s still too short for a flat iron but well I’ll just have to see.

I’m seriously happy with this and I’m very very very much excited to go forward. I’ve also been thinking about the potential to incorporate my witchcraft into this with hot oil treatments infused with certain ingredients and charged with intent.

In the long term I’m thinking I’ll dye it dark grey. And eventually get laser eye surgery so I can actually wear makeup and be able to see at the same time again. I’d like very much to setup a nice self for future me! My moments of hope are rare so I’ll seize them when I can.

[mycasandstarrs]

SPN 6x18: “Frontierland”

THEN: Wyoming, Samuel Colt, and a giant devil’s trap. Angels and their ability to time travel. Purgatory, opening it to let something in, and “the Mother of All”. The Khan Worm making people go postal on loved ones and Eve’s message to the boys.

A true Western duel.

Goddamn, does Dean look good or what?

Special title card!

48 Hours Later (And 150 Years Later)

Sam remembers the layout of the Campbell headquarters.

The Campbell family library. Wow. I hope they took everything.

“River, Joaquin, or the giant flaming bird?”

Good answer Dean.

Dean’s already geeking out.

"’March 5, 1861. Sunrise, Wyoming. Gun killed a Phoenix today. Left a pile of smoldering ash.’” 

NERD ALERT.

“Castiel. The, uh, fate of the world is in the balance. So, come on down here. Come on, Cas, ‘I Dream of Jeannie’ your ass down here pronto. Please.”

Ah ok, no - OH i would’ve spoken too soon. I was about to mention how Dean finally didn’t mention Cas’ “ass”  in a prayer, but he did.

Rachel shows up instead.

“I think you call him when you need something.” That’s fair.

Hello, Cas.

“Where the hell’s Dean?”

“Supply run, he said.” I’m already giggling because I know what Dean really means.

“Um, about your plan. You'll only have 24 hours.”

“Wait, what? Why?”

“Well, the answer to your question can best be expressed as a series of partial differential equations.”

“Yeah, aim lower.”

lmaoo Bobby. What I love even more is that Cas understood.

I don’t think Cas really needs a watch?? 

I mean, Dean really went out of his way to buy new clothes.

“Look, just because you're obsessed with all that Wild West stuff --”

“No, I’m not.”

“You have a fetish!”

LMAO.

Dean is the biggest dork and I love him.

I can’t stop laughing.

“You know what that is?”

“Yeah, it’s horse--”

“Authenticity.”

LMAO.

Never really noticed how Sam tries multiple times to get the horse shit off his shoe.

“You're gonna burn for this. Every one of you.” Fitting last words.

“RIP” Elias Finch. Hung.

“Nice blanket.”

Awww, butthurt Dean.

“Marshal Eastwood. Clint Eastwood. This here is, uh, Walker. He’s a Texas Ranger.” Oh my lord, Dean.

“Nice shirt.”

“What’s wrong with my shirt?”

“You’re very clean.”

“...it’s dirtier than it looks.”

Oh my goodness.

Dean has become so disillusioned, poor thing.

Ewww nooo.

I’m Sam laughing at Dean in the background.

RIP judge. Killed by Elias Finch.

The Sheriff knew about Elias.

“You know, maybe we're not looking for a flaming bird. Maybe the Phoenix is actually walking around in cowboy boots.” There ya go.

“I'll stay here, hook up with the posse. 'Cause you know me -- I'm a posse magnet. I mean, I love posse. Make that into a t-shirt.”

Damn you, Dean.

Sam is as tall as the damn horse, omg.

“That poor horse.” I said the exact same thing on first viewing.

“Forgive me. I’m sorry.” Sheriff’s last words.

RIP Sheriff. Killed by Elias Finch.

Oh boy, Rachel. Our second person to let us know something’s seriously wrong with Cas and his “plan”.

OH NO.

RIP Rachel. Killed by Castiel.

“Cas? Are we running or fighting?” lmaoo Bobby.

Dean looks so good!!!

“I look good.” YOU SURE DO, HON.

“Sheriff’s tough as nails. He’ll be here..”

“Oh my god! The Sheriff’s dead!”

Perfect timing.

Congrats on the new job, Dean!

Samuel Colt.

Old timey demons.

RIP demons. Killed by Samuel Colt.

“Who’s there?”

“Candygram for Mongo.” Of course Dean had to make that reference.

New plan.

“I'm not asking you to throw down with him. I'm asking you to play your part.”

“My part?”

“Yeah. Bait.”

Sam’s turn to get splashed by holy water.

“You Samuel Colt? My name is Sam Winchester. I'm -- I'm a hunter from the year 2011.” Sam was upfront about that. And he just so happened to have the right evidence to back him up.

That’s so trippy.

“You go put on a few more miles and come back, and we'll talk.”

“Trust me, I've got plenty of mileage.”

I love Sam.

I wonder what Sam had to say or do to finally convince Samuel Colt.

“Cas, you -- you look like you went 12 rounds with truckasaurus. What happened?”

“I was, uh...I was betrayed. Rachel, uh...Raphael...He corrupted her. She turned on me.”

Oh hon...I know you’re lying.

I do love seeing Cas and Bobby moments.

“We got less than an hour before you pick up the kids at Frontierland.” Title of the episode!

Plan B.

“It’s your soul.”

“What do you want me to do? Make another deal? Seal it with a kiss?”

I’m sure kissing Cas wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

“Doing this is like...putting your hand in a nuclear reactor. I have to do it very gingerly.”

“Or...?”

“Or you’ll explode.”

“Well. Keep both hands on the wheel. Let's do this.”

Bobby trusts Cas (and wants Sam and Dean back safely) to put himself in that kind of danger.

The Deputy is sweating bullets.

Iron is a phoenix’s weakness.

Dean let Elias monologue to buy Sam time.

“So tell me -- are you really willing to die to protect this piece of filth?”

“Honestly, I could care less about him. He's a dick and a coward.”

Yeah, that guy is garbage.

I...gotta admire how Dean totally understood where Elias was coming from when it came to killing the three people, and how he almost reluctantly tells him that he has to kill him anyways.

RIP Deputy. Killed by Elias Finch.

“Wow, I should've seen that coming.” lmao, i didn’t see it coming either.

“Ohh. Hello, beautiful.” Dean really has a thing for the Colt.

Back at the beginning.

Let Dean have his Western moment, Sam.

I swear the music here sounds familiar??

RIP Elias Finch. Killed by Dean.

“Yippee-ki-yay, mother--”  

DON’T DO YOUR JOKES, GET THE ASHES.

Welp.

Cas and Bobby both look exhausted.

“Bobby, I'm sorry.” Apologize to Cas too, ya dummy.

I believe this is a Back to The Future thing?

At least sign for the thing.

FUCK. YES.

“Ashes of a Phoenix. You know what this means?”

“Yeah, I didn't get a ‘soulonoscopy’ for nothing.”

“Yes. And... it means we take the fight to her.”

I fucking love this episode so much.

(P.S. How much do you wanna bet that Dean kept the outfit? Sheriff’s badge and all?)