#cant even think of a proper phrasing

[goldenpinof]

he says "flora" 100%. he's using it the same as the word "plants".

i'm already mentally kmsing 50 times a minute, thanks. it's okay. i'll probably reblog the gifset with a note later.

[weirdmageddon]

yesterday i wrote a scene where jade wasnt a plot device and was left the hell alone in A6A5 because this being dave and jade’s last proper conversation in years made me sad and i wanted to see them reunite properly. i mixed a bit of narration in too even though it was rare around this point in the comic but its just to paint a better picture. also i wouldnt mind feedback on character voice (it’s important to me that the dialogue sounds believable)

[3 years are over, everyone is in the new session. The prospit ship is on LOMAX, as is everyone who arrived on the meteor, safely warped by Jade onto LOMAX as well. Jade has banished B2 Jack to the Furthest Ring already. She hasn't seen her friends in 3 years, not to mention she never met the trolls in person yet.]

[Jade teleports to LOMAX where John was talking with the meteor crew. Her eyes widen when she sees the trolls, giving everyone a greeting. Jade waves to the trolls.]

You’ll have time to catch up with them later. First you want to reconvene with Rose and Dave.

> ==>

Dave... Oh my god! DAVE!!! That’s right! The last time you saw him, he died in your arms after Jack redirected the bullets from your gun into his body!

JADE: dave!!!! DAVE: hey DAVE: this has been three years coming hasnt it DAVE: cmere

> ==>

[Dave hugs Jade with a slight grin on face. He notices her… sniffing him?? but doesn’t even bother to question it.]

JADE: it is so nice to hold your body when its not a corpse :) DAVE: ok DAVE: weird thing to say DAVE: actually who am i kidding who gives a shit DAVE: i almost forgot how much i missed the enigmatic riddlefuckery that is your phrasing DAVE: fortunately i have context for this so i know what youre saying DAVE: humor me for a sec and imagine that i didnt DAVE: but first DAVE: are those dog ears JADE: yes! i am part dog now JADE: because i prototyped my dreamself with becsprite JADE: jadesprite became part of me! and so did her doggy traits from bec DAVE: got it DAVE: oh yeah john mentioned that on the back of his dumb poster inside that bucket that appeared out of thin air DAVE: right before we had to haul ass out of there before jack caught up to us DAVE: karkat had a complete fucking meltdown over that btw i wish you couldve seen it DAVE: damn it feels like so long ago now JADE: heheheh i remember JADE: john realized it at the last second but it was too late! DAVE: of course it was johns idea only he could do something that gooberish DAVE: you know what this means though JADE: yup!! woof woof DAVE: it means youve done it harley DAVE: youve finally done it god damn it DAVE: the evolution of humankind is finally upon us DAVE: the scientists said it would never happen in our lifetime DAVE: but look what we have here DAVE: before me stands mans first legitimate furry subspecies DAVE: homo canis DAVE: as the name implies theyre gay as fuck btw DAVE: its too bad all those scientists are dead and cant witness this phylogenetic breakthrough DAVE: rip to the science community yall wouldve lost your collective shit DAVE: hey jade lets pour one out for the science community for being real ones

> ==>

You are still nestled into Dave’s shoulder. He’s taken a sort of protective position over you. Your perceptive barkbeast ears can hear his formerly bullet-riddled heart beating a mile a minute with the regularity of quartz beneath his time-branded pajamas, all the while he continues to ramble to you about certifiably dumb shit. You can tell Dave is psyched to see you again, even if he expresses it in his OWN bizarre way, which means extended metaphors and topical tangents. What a hypocrite, calling YOUR phrasing perplexing! You sure missed this guy.

You realize you started tuning him out while thinking about all this.

DAVE: jade JADE: umm homo is the species name JADE: so wouldnt that mean were all gay? :p DAVE: yeah that sounds about right DAVE: anyway enough of this bullshit

> ==>

[Dave motions to retract his arms since he doesn’t want it to get too weird, but Jade squeezes tighter. Dave immediately yields to the movement]

DAVE: jesus wow ok DAVE: really happy to see you too DAVE: like if you had a tail it would be wagging so forcefully youd be knocking over all the fucking furnishings in the room DAVE: just slapping it so hard on the owners thigh that it feels like theyre being flogged DAVE: talk about getting bitch slapped JADE: :D DAVE: so howve you been JADE: really really excited to see you guys all again!!! JADE: and to meet the trolls! DAVE: yeah theyre pretty weird DAVE: and im still not used to it DAVE: but it gets more manageable the longer youre around them DAVE: by the way JADE: ?

> ==>

DAVE: sorry you had to go through that JADE: through what? DAVE: seeing me die and stuff again DAVE: except that time right in front of you JADE: .... DAVE: when we were gathering up all those frogs i knew jack was going to appear DAVE: i was waiting and waiting to play it out DAVE: mentally rehearsing my fucking torso getting turned into swiss cheese and knowing you would have to watch on top of it DAVE: i had to make sure it happened to protect the integrity of the alpha timeline DAVE: but if you knew this was going to happen you wouldve tried to prevent it and created a doomed one DAVE: and so i didnt say anything DAVE: i couldnt DAVE: so DAVE: sorry for putting you through that JADE: oh..... JADE: dave D: JADE: well im here JADE: if you ever want to talk about it DAVE: its cool DAVE: you just deserve to know what happened there DAVE: but thanks DAVE: so am i JADE: yeah i know JADE: i guess i should be glad you did that then... JADE: even though i was freaking out when it happened ._. JADE: otherwise you wouldnt be here will us now dressed in your red god tier time pajamas DAVE: yeah these magical rags really are comfortable arent they DAVE: and they stay like perma clean JADE: they are! i would wear mine over and over for days on end JADE: id take a nice shower and put it right back on JADE: and you know how much i love cycling my outfits through my wardrobifier JADE: by the way dave your cape is sooo cool! :o DAVE: thanks DAVE: yeah i love it its hella soft DAVE: its like ive got a portable snuggle blanket with me in case i ever need to drop to the floor like a tired sack of shit and get my snooze on DAVE: ive got a permanent personal reservation at club bed featuring dj pillow and mc blanky JADE: heheheh JADE: can i touch your cape? DAVE: of course go nuts JADE: yaaaay!!

[tossball-stick]

heyy i saw your latest post about john's aromantic trutherism and i didn't exactly understand what you mean by that... could you explain? i too don't think he is actually in love with abigail if that's what you were saying...?

hiii!!! 1: thank you for asking about this im excited to write and analyze him in this way

2: plsplspls get the idea outta ur head that aromantic people cant love. noooo i couldnt have been misunderstood more. i wanna clarify that i do think john loves abigail. i just dont think that love is all that romantically motivated and ive got a few reasons to believe so.

3: uhhhh uhhh this ended up being like 2.5k words of analysis on john im sorry. no one on tumblr has asked me my thoughts about him before so this is the first time im talking about a lot of the stuff here and theres so much ive thought about johns character and its all messy and intertwined. itll be a little all over the place. i am deeply sorry.

okay. first reason? hes otherwise not much of a romantic. whether he wants to be or not, he falls flat on his face every attempt there is at being romantic with abigail (rarely do we see him be romantic with other women) is usually met with disdain, if there even are many to begin with. its rare to hear john say something pleasant about having a woman, and its rare to ever witness them having a good time together while in the gang. 

...up until the epilogue and john gets his shit together. but by that point i could argue further analysis as to how john isnt wholly himself by that point. hear me out.

john and arthur are two halves of one whole to me. its clear theres some sort of void in john after arthur dies, and he still holds the memory of arthur very very dear. he does his best to keep the memories alive, in fact, in a way to keep arthur alive. 

this starts extending to some kinda interesting parallels, though. writing and drawing in arthurs journal like he did, the hat being placed on johns head, john proposing with marys ring, the phrasing and tone of johns proposal is also shockingly familiar to arthur telling john that itd make him happy if john went to his family... after arthurs death, i find john taking on many of his traits even. he becomes more quiet and closed off, we see it even in rdr2 with arthur telking him to "knock it off with the whole being mysterious thing" or whatever. arthur claims its to act like dutch, but ill do you one better, its clearly just john idolizing his older brother and trying to be like him to be a proper man. this brings me to my next point...

the time period of rdr2!!! yayyy cowboys, the victorian era, Did u know. being a man was something you had to do in previous american and european cultures? this slowly started fading as we roll over into the 20th century, but there was a lot of emphasis placed on performing your role as a man. to be a good man, you must do xyz. otherwise, you are seen as immature, as a boy, as a child. 

throughout the entire series of red dead redemption, both 1 and 2, theres a lot of stuff pointing towards jogns struggle to Be A Man. arthur and dutch frequently refuse to let him grow up, still calling him "little john" and still treating him like hes a rowdy unruly boy that needs to learn better, not a man who should know better. hosea is the only man treating john like hes a man, and even then id say hes fairly lax with the guy. only as the story of rdr2 progresses do we see arthur start to shift his view towards john. not as a boy to stay a boy, because the gang isnt gonna be around forever. john cant keep being a boy. he needs to become a man, take care of his family. 

working off a distinctly gentleman influenced view of masculinity, johns inability to be a man is almost directly tied to his inability to be a proper romantic for his wife. compared to arthur, who is seen taken women on dates and flirting with them just to make them laugh at times. hes dancing with the ladies and helping them up and down the coaches, wagons, and horses. john like. just barely remembers to do that for abi in the epilogue. again, his failings to be a true romantic are tied with his failings as a man. 

in rdr1, this even extends to bill having the bit of dialogue, "you always were a scared little boy!" continuing to imply that john is not a man, hes never been a man. the only reason we can read him as a man Now is because we are going by arthurs definition of manhood. we can extend this further and say bill still views john as a boy because john does not live up to bills expectations of manhood- while arthur may view being a man as something chivalrous, more gentlemanly, bill clearly views masculinity as power and violence, without much to do with women. john does not live up to that, to bill, until the end.

if you read "masculinity" as "being romantic and chivalrous towards women", then, as john fails at being a romantic, he too fails at being a man. there are a lot of other ways john is immature and childish but this is a really easy one to point out if you know the time period and just how much emphasis was placed on both romanticism and manliness, and how they intertwined.

third reasoning for aro john: his family wasnt his for so much of his life. this one is another one that needs a bit of elaboration i fear.

the story of john and abigail getting together is simple enough. she joined the gang at 17 as a sex worker, slept around with some of the gang, then for one reason or another, very clearly believed that the pregnancy was johns. john runs away for a year.

in this time, we dont know a whole lot about what gang life was like without john. however, with arthurs comments about marrying abigail himself and loving her, and his close relationship with jack, i think its pretty clear arthur was the one being a man in johns place. when john left, there was a john shaped hole arthur had to fill. (i also like to think this because the potential misery of arthur having to lose his family a second time once john returns is fun to me.)

even in the story of rdr2, we see john Love and Care For his family, but its never in the same, romantic way arthur seems to involve himself in abi and jacks lives. john will defend them with his life, but when it actually comes to pulling himself up by his bootstraps and being a father or a husband, he kinda just drags his feet and gets lost. he has to be told to reunite with his family at jacks party, despite, in my eyes, his love for jack being very clearly displayed while they were looking for him. 

this is only bolstered by the conclusion of rdr2, with john and arthur on the mountain. arthur, in all his holy parallels, like jesus passing the virgin mary off to john the beloved, arthur tells john it would make him very happy if [john] went to be with his family and left. arthur is passing his family off onto john, the same as jesus passed his family onto saint john. (this one hits harder if you know the rest of the "arthur is jesus" parallels and symbolism but i feel like those would be more impactful as a web weave, and i cant make one right now haha. most obvious one i can think of to support this though is arthur being a scapegoat, dying for the gangs sins.) remember these points they are the most important and will come back later.

reason number four: "but javier-!" shhhhshshsh lemme talk. yes. john is infinitely more intimate with javier than abigail. however, again, we must take the time period into account.

not that far off from many disgusting redpill communities today, back in the 1800s it was typically expected for men to socialize with men and women with women. there was a certain level of bonding you only had with your wife, as well as a certain level of bonding you only had with the men who were close to you. 

i have got to grab this fandom by the shoulders and say rockstar did not make these men as affectionate as they should have been with each other, and thats completely platonically. this is taking romance out of the equation, these men considered each other brothers and family. they were all in a cult together. they would have been very close, and also very affectionate! they would confide in each other and hold each other and cry to each other. they would make gifts for each other and sing and dance together. you can at least see them all pass around beer bottles between each other.

do i think john and javier are closer than most? yes absolutely. do i think javier is in love with john in some way? yes absolutely. do i think its romantic? ehhh maybe. do i think john loves javier? yes absolutely. do i think its romantic? ....noo not really. their whole dynamic reads as one sided through and through to me. even if they ever got together im sure they were quickly apart again, and i doubt the relationship would have been fulfilling in the ways javier would want, leaving him longing still.

the "ive always loved you, even now" immediately funneling into a crate being shoved onto john to knock him over can also be metaphorical- javiers love is disarming to john Because he does not know how to react to it. hes never known how to react to it. hes never known how to react to love from anyone, because "love" seems to feel so much different for everyone but him.

reason ff. fiiiiive. dear god. im sorry for this being this long: john loves. he clearly loves very hard. he was clearly wrecked by arthurs death, he would clearly crawl through hell for his family, he was clearly hurt because his love for javier eventually stabbed him in the back. however, to me, a lot of this love feels similar to the love john has for dutch, or arthur, really. its familial, its platonic, it sure as hell isnt romantic. (even if the games themselves like to joke about it being so lol.)

its just clear to me that he loves. he cant not love jack and abi after everything hes done for them. he cant not love javier after being so close for so long. but in the same vein, he cant not love dutch for the same reasons. ysee what i mean? his devotion to his wife and child feels identical to the devotion to dutch, compared to arthur, whos devotion to eliza and isaac directly went against his devotion to dutch.

much like with dutch, where john was still seen as a boy, he will ferociously do the big things for his family (saving jack, defending the ranch, tackling gangsters and robbers). he will almost always fail to do the little things that would make him a true man, though. yknow. winding down, relaxing, just working, not getting involved in fights. spending some time with his family maybe. 

he can shape up and be good, he just never does. 

and i think thats why hes so torn between leaving on his own, leaving with his family, or staying with the gang. theres no difference between romantic, platonic, or familial love for him. when arthur tells him to go be with his family and john replies "youre my brother" its not only announcing arthur as family, but i think it only reinforces that blurred line of what love is for john. "i love you the same as them, why must i leave you behind? if they are family and i love them, then you too must be family, for i love you."

point six: i hope you remembered the first few points like i told you to. you did remember right

this brings us back around to john not being a man by not being a romantic, arthurs family being passed off to him, and also john not wholly being himself later on. in the epilogue, between 1899 and 1908, we hear about how john has been unable to avoid trouble and has them on the run still. whenever abigail asks something of him, he instead goes and does what he wants. its only after she leaves him (ultimate failure of being a man) do we see him start to shape himself up again, and i would argue this shaping up increases substantially after he reunites with charles. charles sets him on the right path and reawakens that memory of arthur. i imagine being close to blackwater also helps here. id argue due to charles' apparent closeness with arthur, and then sudden closeness to john due to john being all thats left of arthur... it makes john also feel like hes all thats left of arthur. i believe after speaking with charles and thinking to himself, he decides to fulfill the one dream arthur had, seemingly, at the end: take care of the family he had lost. well, eliza and isaac are six feet in the dirt so next best option: abi and jack. 

john starts to become quieter and more in his own shell- by rdr1 hes struggling to even really ask people for help with the most basic things. he becomes a lot more of a romantic speaker. he had always used fancy words with the gang, but never with charismatic purpose in the way i feel he does in rdr1. he starts making the decisions he thinks arthur would make. as a result, the hole that arthur left behind when he died, does not get filled by john. instead it simply gets filled with whatever arthur john can muster from within himself.

id also like to bring up john being the favorite, but not the golden boy. he was the youngest and most spoiled, but he was not the one dutch turned to for just about everything. he was still living in arthurs shadow, so i imagine all of that also plays a role in johns choice to live like arthur to get his family back, to be a man. he failed at being a man by his own merits. arthur was a real man by his own merits, lets just do what we've always done and look up to our older brother about it. copy what he does. clearly hes got it all figured out, even though you know he didnt, after reading the journal. 

this all is finally bolstered by john making the choice to kill micah and repeat the VDL cycle of violence, which ruins the perfect life he made for himself. he makes another decision HE, not arthur, HE would make, and thus has to deal with the consequences. 

in conclusion: i think john loves a lot and very hard. hes passionate about these people. but in his own words towards javier that start to become readable as projection, "hes a cynic that wants to be a romantic" and "hes all passion, no love ('no love' being how he perceives it, due to the views of those around him. he loves abigail and jack, he loved arthur, though because his version of love was different than theirs, its not read as love. therefore, he has none in his own eyes)." 

all of this coupled with a detached attachment style that leaves him cold and distant leaves him being tugged along in romances he truthfully does not feel the same about. he says he does, because he loves, but he doesnt know why the love isnt the same. so, clearly, since he loves, he must want the romance. he has to perform it for love regardless of if he truly does want romance or not. if he loves, he must be a romantic, and hes failing at being a romantic, so he cant be himself. he must be someone else in order to convey his love to his family.

i hope i got everything across alright ^-^ feel free to ask questions or send more asks ive got plenty more where that came from

[alyssasmaddworld]

there's this level of dissociation that goes hand in hand with daydreaming and i feel like it's something i wouldn't know how to begin explaining to somebody who's anti-endo.

maladaptive daydreaming is not inherently caused by trauma. it's considered something you use to cope with it. but for a LOT of people, and as confirmed in multiple studies, it is a dissociative disorder. there's even a level of plurality with it.

you have these people in your head, and you cant destroy them. a lot of them can feel like REAL people. you create worlds, plot lines, and you connect with these characters in a way where they slowly become their own being. their own person. how is this ANY different from being plural?

the answer is: it's really not. if you view plural as synonymous with systemhood then maybe i can see why you'd have a problem with the phrasing, but based off of the actual definitions of plural, maladaptive daydreaming fits the criteria.

the next issue that people tend to have with maladaptive daydreaming being considered plural is that maladaptive daydreaming isn't its own disorder. but something doesnt need to be a disorder for it to be significant in the mental health industry.

a common "rebuttle" of endogenic systems is that they "appropriate" other cultures, but what most people making this argument fail to realize is that, this is HOW culture works. western culture is actively affected by the cultures of other areas. do you genuinely believe that theres not a single Buddhist in america practicing tulpulmacy? that this is SOLELY a non-western phenomenon? then why is "traditional traumagenic" mentioned at all, and not JUST traumagenic?

but there are articles that talk about the importance of listening to the internet, and the words they've cultivated. something i've been told is irrelevant because "an endo made that word" IS BEING heard by therapists all across the globe, not just in america.

"the reader is reminded that culture is dynamic rather than static, meaning that just as our understanding of the online community is different today than it was twenty years ago, this will continue to shift and evolve into the future as well"

things CHANGE. research ADVANCES. and with that, we also know that maladaptive daydreaming is BEYOND VALID on the dissociative spectrum. it has ALWAYS been there, it just wasn't considered a disordered behavior before the 2000s.

on top of this, there's a study that further affirms it's place in the endogenic sphere specifically.

despite this, her brain scans showed "great activity in the ventral striatum, the part of the brain that lights up when an alcoholic is shown images of a martini. Frankly it was super strong"

this means she isn't just mind wandering. mind wandering is what people THINK daydreaming is.

"Mind wandering refers to the occurrence of thoughts that are not tied to the immediate environment—thoughts that are not related to a given task at hand"

mind wandering lights up the Default Mode Network side of the brain, the DMN. the DMN controls Autobiographical information, Memories of collection of events and facts about one's self, Self-reference, Referring to traits and descriptions of one's self.

maladaptive daydreaming has its own dissociative absorption, and it affects the brain differently than mind wandering. it's a proper form of dissociation.

and..would you look at that?? spiritual practices are mentioned. i wonder which endogenic system that reminds me of! (much love to sophie!). it's just further credence towards the fact that non-traumatic systems can exist. why else would maladaptive be on the spectrum, honestly?

trauma doesn't CAUSE maladaptive daydreaming. trauma doesnt cause dissociative absorption. they are ALL coping mechanisms as a way to deal with whatever trauma may be going on-- or it can literally be a choice in the sense that you can actively choose to get absorbed into a book, or how you choose to maladaptive daydream. you can let it interfere with your life and become debilitating and disordered (because sometimes people dont WANT to change) but this doesnt mean it's traumatic.

with all this being said, how is this not a valid presentation of plurality?

[todayisafridaynight]

I largely keep to myself in fandoms, only picking up the odd friend here-and-there or joining a group chat if I'm feeling brave enough. But all of this Twitter talk is making me want to try engage with folks on the platform too! My only gripe isn't even surrounding the community, since you can curate your space like you said, it's the lack of organisation and the dreaded infinite scroll on pages. I adore Tumblr for how easy you can come back to a particular post you reblogged a long time ago, or venture through the tags on somebody's page... but it feels as though that's not possible on Twitter with how it operates. Are there any ways to get around this? 🤔

tl;dr - if you're trying to find a specific topic on someone's page, type 'topic (from:@Username)'

example: minedai (from:@Snapperoni)

if you're trying to save a post to look at later, you can either use twitter's own bookmark feature, or you can use your browser's bookmark feature

long ass unnecessary winded edition below the cut

twitter's less organized than tumblr since tumblr's meant for proper organizational blogging instead of status-update-type posts like twitter (even if its blog tag search system only decides to work depending on the phase of the moon on tumblr), so fundamentally its going to be a little more awkward with organization. there's some things you can do though, and it's not impossible: it's just a little extra work

in my experience it's a lot easier to just 'run into' new accounts and posts once your algorithm knows what you like and i prefer to use twitter that way for finding art or discussions im interested in. trusting the wind and all and the wind's done me well to show me excellent art.

you can help curate your algorithm by going into your Settings -> Privacy And Safety -> Content You See. you cant manually type in topics to add (you CAN save searches though if that's anything: it just means you dont have to type in the thing you want to search when you go to the search bar), but again once you start liking posts it'll start to recommend topics like 'Yakuza' that you can add. you can also remove topics you dont like once they show up in the list under Content You See -> Interests

another way around is to just search your interest (i.e. 'baseball') and just start liking/retweeting a bunch of posts and the algorithm will do the rest for your For You page. following accounts posting the topic you like also helps (obviouslylol)); searching terms on twitter is a fine way to see people post about a thing you like. its like tumblr in that it'll only show you posts that have the tagged word (i.e. 'minedai) in the actual post (i.e. 'if i think about minedai for more than three seconds im going to eat gravel')

at most for coming back to a post you like, you can use the bookmark feature: ive used it. A Lot. and True it gets harder to find older bookmarks as time goes on but for what it is it's been nifty for me. i dont exactly look at bookmarks any older than maybe a month at this point, so it doees its job fine for my needs. if you're on desktop and you really want to save a post without using twitter's bookmark feature, then you can always use your browser's own bookmark feature (i do that with tumblr posts sometimes. it's definitely easier to organize things that way but i also can see how it might appear cumbersome)

trying to find a specific post or type of post from someone's 50/50 though, like tumblr (because i repeat its tagging system is only so reliable sometimes). unless they use tags or you remember a particular phrase they put in the post (you can search specific terms, that including tags) then you just have to scroll i fear. other than that, if you search the term you want and the account youre trying to look through (i.e. minedai (from:@Snapperoni) then it should show up: if anything, twitter's more reliable in actually showing you the post you're looking for so long as you have the term typed correctly

and ermmmm yeah i think thats all i got LOL. best of luck to using twitter

[tubbytarchia]

Dinosaur nerding about the Lifers

Since all the support for raptor Etho and an anon ask, I've been trying desperately to assign dinosaurs to all the Lifers and I cannot tell you how difficult it is to choose. I have to spend like a full 24 hours of deep thought and research on this lmao. And there are so many insanely cool dinosaurs whose names/appearances would be so awesome as added symbolism and stuff but I just cant use them all aghhh

Just some that I'll have to miss out on: I cannot assign the dinosaur "Brontomerus" to anyone but its name means "thunder thighs" and I never stop thinking about it Another funny name is Huehuecanauthlus which means "ancient duck". Also "huehue" lol love that "Aviatyrannis" means grandma tyrant which made me think of Cleo but its tiny in size "Venenosaurus" is really neat because you'd probably picture a venomous little terror but no, it's a gentle giant... "Yi Qi" is just a really fucking cool and unique dinosaur. It looks more like a proper bat than anything "Changmiania" comes from a phrase meaning "eternal sleep" due to it having a perfectly preserved skeleton of itself curled up nice and cozy in its burrow... "Anurognathidae" just google and look at this fine thing Therizinos are some of my favorite dinosaurs and there is one called "Erlikosaurus" meaning "Erlik's lizard", Erlik the god of the Underworld. That's metal as fuck but even if I manage to squeeze a Therizino into the roster, it's not gonna be Erlikosaurus because jesus christ who would that be..?? In similar vein there are two other dinos with really interesting names "Stygimoloch" and "Theiophytalia". Stygmoloch more or less means demon of the styx river, the river of the underworld etc. It's also a god's daughter or something but uhh irrelevant. I might use that one for Martyn because of the whole watcher thing idk it makes sense to me, especially with him in LL. Also it's a pachy (the dinosaur with a hardened tough head that bonks others) which I like the image of for Martyn lol Then there's Theiophytalia meaning "Belonging to the garden of Gods" whoah. I've been really struggling with Scott because he's such a hashtag deep character but I might just assign him that one. Almost like he named himself... It's an Iguanadon looking dinosaur which I think a lot of people would regard as the most basic, boring type of dinosaur (not me I love them a lot!!) but that further fits Scott but if I delve into my thoughts further we'll be here all day

I'm not gonna be able to make decisions I'm happy with for all of them anytime soon but I'll get back to you with some more dinosaur hybrid doodles for some of them!! I'm trying to represent all the major uhh families? Of dinosaurs? Like I wanna make sure there's at least one ceratops and one ankylosaur and one long-neck and one apex predator (just one. I hate apex predators lol but I'll do one for Cleo she deserves to be one) etc etc

[evansbby]

I dont think he would pee on her but he definitely makes her hold in her pee and stuff maybe even likes watching her pee out of humiliation?? Not like in the bathroom but as in he took her too a party miles away and while they're driving back she really has to go but he makes her hold it but she cant so he stops at the side of the road and watches her squat down and pee while degrading her/phrasing her??

"God you really couldn't hold it? Do you like not listening to me? You know I only stopped because I didn't want you to ruin my car, you're lucky you're so useful"

"Thank you daddy"

"I wasnt talking to you I was talking to that pretty lil cunt of yours"

Maybe he "punishes" her for not holding it idk

(This is in reference to me asking if y’all thought poyt!Steve would have a piss kink)

OKAY BESTIE SO I totally agree with the first part of this! I deffo think Steve would get off on making omega hold her pee and not allow her to go and he’d keep pressing down on her tummy and laughing cruelly as she cries and begs him to stop bc she really has to go 🫣😭 and he’d be like “go then, baby, who’s stopping you?” Bc he wants her to piss herself so he can baby her and mock her about it, like it would totally turn him on sooo much and yes he would deffo punish her for being a baby and not holding it in.

However I don’t think poyt!Steve would make omega squat in public to piss 😭😭 he does NOT want anyone to see her so he deffo wouldn’t do that. He’d make sure to find a proper toilet for her 🤧🤧🤧

[hxhhasmysoul]

bro get over ur 'performative feminism' idiocy 🙄 personally, i think half of ur analyses r shit but i can still find valuable or at least respectable commentary in them, just like i can find valuable or respectable commentary from those 'performative feminists.' as i should. bc thats how critique and discourse needs to be approached. just bc u can write a rant and do research doesnt mean ur arguments will be worth anything. and theyre prob not worth anything if u cant even respect the ppl ur addressing

I have to tell you, I’m fucking fascinated by this. There’s just so much here.

This will be an honest attempt at interpreting this, a long and at times quite serious reply to your rather unserious anon. 

What is the point of sending this, anon? When I get anons like this, I can’t help but muse what prompts their authors. 

1. I mean the least charitable interpretation would be that you want to insult me but in a way that to you subjectively upholds the pretence of respectability or intellectualism? 

2. Or maybe your goal is to actually encourage me to change my behaviour?  

3. Maybe you want to educate me on the proper way to do fandom “discourse”? Or on the merits of the philosophy you present here?

Any of those? None? All of the above a little bit? 

______________

If option 1 was your sole objective, I’d say it works only as an insult. The tone of your ask is all over the place and it doesn’t really match its content. If I were writing this, I wouldn’t have called my analyses “shit” and the “performative feminism” “idiocy” while chastising me for lack of respect for the opinions of others. I don’t mind you matching my lowbrow energy and tone, it’s just that in my opinion you contradict your point by going down to my level.

Maybe something closer to this:

“(...)the phrase ‘performative feminism’ doesn’t have a place in proper critique or discourse(...)”

“(...)I find half of you analyses poor quality, unwarranted or downright wrong(...)”

______________

If you were aiming for 2 exclusively then, alas, shaming and condescension doesn’t work on me at all, for personal reasons. 

______________

Third option is the one actually fascinating to me. You’re not the first person here that would be trying to lecture me on how there is a right approach to fandom “discourse”, namely your way. But you know, why not. I too hold very strong beliefs.

There are two issues with this working, though.

1. I don’t find your argument internally coherent. I will try to interpret what you’re saying, to show you how I understand it. Which may be completely contrary to what you were trying to say.

2. If my reading of what you’re trying to say is close to your intentions, I sense that we’re not really close ideologically and we don’t share values. 

1. 

The way I understand your last sentence is that according to you an opinion loses its value by default if it doesn’t meet some respectability standards. 

Yet a few sentences up you claim that you manage to find some “valuable or at least respectable commentary” in my rants, I’m not 100% sure which rants do you mean exactly here. All of them? Or just those that are “shit”? How can you find value in something that you seem to consider to be by default void of value? 

I’ll be real, idk what “respectable commentary” could possibly be, but if I show no respect to the people I address, then how could my commentary be respectable. 

This confusion is also amplified by the mismatch of tone and message. Because according to the rules you laid out I should disregard what you’re saying completely, because how can your arguments be worth anything if you aren’t showing respect to me. 

2. 

And here we come to the clash of values. 

The way I understand yours, is that you subject yourself to fandom takes that you find low quality or wrong because that’s the right thing to do. That according to you we should all strive to find something positive in all sides of an issue. 

It reminds me of the centrist political “both-sidedism” almost turned into an art form. And centrism irks me because I’m a nasty lefty, a social justice warrior. I’m very far from the so-called “centre”, which in real politics is usually just non extremist right wing ideology. I will use “leftism” as an umbrella term here for various ideas, both economic and social, including feminism. It's a very reductive approach but in this case I don’t think a distinction is needed. 

Social media platforms can have a heavy political slant, and fandom Tumblr on average slants left.

The problem is that in many cases it’s image building and not true understanding of the issues that comprise the political leaning. It’s using, but more often misusing buzzwords and appropriating language, sometimes in active attempts to render words or terms meaningless. All in the pursuit of maintaining the image of being “for the good things and against the bad things”. It’s a performance.

Performance that is self perpetuating because the people, who indulge in it, will pressure one another to express “correct opinions” on whatever is the hot topic of the hour. To always be available for outside scrutiny. Those people feel obliged to have public opinions, and have them fast.

Fandom and social media are a funny territory where petty arguments about characters or plot choices get mired in real world political topics and ideologies. While it is true that art is always political, political criticism usually can’t be nailed down in one catch phrase. And it definitely can’t be done without honestly engaging with the text and the context it exists in. 

In the JJK Tumblr tags you will find a shit ton of posts, no longer than a paragraph, usually no longer than a single sentence, that call Gege a misogynist, that say that “Gege hates women”. And they will usually use one argument for that, namely that female characters die in JJK. Or more recently, that they are irrelevant to the plot. Both these takes stem from bastardisation of academic discourse surrounding female characters in fiction. They are in bad faith, they show that the person reflexively regurgitating them has no desire to engage with the text seriously and probably doesn’t know where such considerations came from, or understand how they functioned in their original context. But sometimes you will see more dedicated clout-chasers, who try to write meta posts on the misogyny in JJK without having a basic understanding of feminism, just trying to string together popular hot takes. Just to show that they don’t “mindlessly” consume media, that they are not afraid to criticise it and its author, an all out a woman hater. Show it in the most vapid and thoughtless way possible. 

That’s why they are a performance. And this performance is to build the image of the op as a feminist, a "Tumblr good person". That’s why they use the trappings of feminist critique. That’s why I call it “performative feminism”. 

An important thing to understand about me is that I don’t treat leftism as a zero sum game. I believe that political movements, organisations, people and works of art, can be doing some leftist things right and some wrong. That perfection on this is impossible. But there are also non negotiable issues, issues that you can’t really do a bit right, because human dignity, safety and livelihood is at stake. For example I’m not interested in listening to people who will condone genocide, I don’t think I should try to find value in their arguments. But I also don’t find value in reactions to genocide that dehumanise and use genocidal language towards a different group, even if a subset of that group is committing genocide. For me genocide is a non negotiable issue. I don’t respect people who try to perform support for genocide victims by justifying genocide others. People who instead of donating to relief support, or promoting relief support and direct pressure on government, chase clout by shouting out their vile opinions under the guise of supporting the victims, regardless whether they understand their own bias or not. 

But you may say that I’m exaggerating, using a real life issue to illustrate my disagreement with your values, when maybe you were just limiting your philosophy to fiction. But my character flaw is that I’m very principled. Especially when it comes to my grander principles trickling down to more trivial stuff. 

I don’t think I should respect people who appropriate and misuse feminist language to chase social media clout. I don’t find any value in their behaviour. I find it actually harmful. It reinforces this trend in first world leftism that activism can be done by yelling the right buzzwords on social media. Especially the right buzzwords about popular media. That activism and social critique doesn’t require engaging with the ideas, interrogating their own preconceived notions. That it makes them a “good person” when they misuse academic language to shit on a work just because it’s popular, just because they want the clout of an intellectual who can see through the mainstream. While it’s painfully obvious that they have no idea what feminist critique academic or casual is, or what the words they abuse mean, or what modern feminism even entails. 

Can you see how funny it is? This idea that they can position themselves as above the mainstream, as the betters of those who enjoy mainstream, by reflexively regurgitating the most popular hot takes. And this lazy behaviour is purely voluntary because no one has to have an opinion on everything. It’s actually impossible to have an in-depth and well researched opinion on everything. So if you don’t have the time to do research, or to even properly familiarise yourself with the work you have the very valid choice not to. Have the choice not to parrot a hot take for the sole purpose of performing activism. You have the choice to just divert your attention elsewhere, towards things that you will engage with in good faith. 

Because this kind of bad faith approach can lead to darker things. Because you can actually make yourself believe that your behaviour isn’t just a vapid social media act, you can convince yourself that you’re on some moral high ground, that you’re actually fighting against evil.

If Gege is a misogynist, if they hate women, it means that they are actually vile, a bad person and it’s ok to use violent ideation while writing about them. This is normalising dehumanisation for clout points. Priming yourself for viewing people and situations like this.

Gege is kind of an abstract entity for these people, it feels harmless because, come on, they will never meet Gege. And obviously this is all hyperbole and they wouldn’t really get violent. 

I witnessed it in real time when a group of people in fandom decided that my friend was a bad person. Over trivial fandom shit. They dehumanised my friend amongst themselves and proceeded to attack my friend for months, until they left Tumblr. Attack them in racist, misogynist and queerphobic ways, while claiming it’s okay because my friend is an actual evil person, they are actually dangerous for existing in the fandom. And also their attacks are okay because they are PoC/queers/women and as members of these groups their behaviour can't be racist, queerphobic or misogynist by deafault…

You also misunderstand my actions towards those people. I’m not engaging in “discourse” with them. This is not academia, I’m not an academic. I’m pushing back against their behaviour. I’m expressing my distaste towards the groupthink. I’m not pretending to be respectable because I don’t think their behaviour deserves respect.  

This is the crux of our disagreement, anon, our values don’t align.

[whataframeup]

ok but ive been thinking about this for hours. theres obviously *layers* here, we all know that. but why this amuses me is because i recently learned that this is an old s.korean phrase: 고양이 보러 갈래? (goyangi boreo galrae?) which basically means: Do you want to go see a/the cat? what jong chan is saying is 냥이 보러 갈래? (nyangi boreo galrae?) which also basically means: Do you want to go see a/the cat? I know, its the same on naver papago. 냥이 (nyangi) and 고양이 (goyangi) are both cat, but 냥이 is more kitty.

you can even see it on watchas yt channel haha.

the viki sub team says the cats name is yang hee so i guess he named it a cute way of saying cat lol. but either way! my point is! the thing ive been thinking for hours! is that this was a common phrase in older kdramas, i cant seem to find a proper source anywhere, no good source at all bUT. i learned about it via a variety show i watch called ask us anything/men in a mission/아는 형님 (aneun hyeongnim). ive been trying to find the ep where lee soo geun mentions it but no luck. (i see the scene in my head but i dont know who was guest so i cant find it even after skimming through several eps. ill add if i find it) but basically, its the 라면 먹고 갈래? (ramyon mokkko galrae?), the netflix and chill of slightly older south korea!

this, may only be amusing to me.

ps how dare they not show the cat???? evil.

[dykeyote]

can we get a jeddiecore song list

YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOUVE AWAKENED I LITERALLY AM CONSTANTLY WAITING FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO TALK ABT RHE SONGS I ASSOCIATE W JEDIDIAH . anyways im gonna do songs that like .... Lyrically match but also try to align them with vibes . so even if some jhariah songs fit im not putting that on its not the right energy . yk . sorry u probably just wanted like a List but im abnormal about music i associate w jedidiah so ur getting a whole infodump hence why this took like a whole day to write </3

uhhhh starting off again . obviously love love love by the mountain goats the whole examination of the things ull do for love and examining whether thats romantic or somewhat horrifying????? SO fucking him . also the vibes just match perfectly the like sad soft voice and the whole quiet ambience .... literally how id embody him in a song . also lyrics like:

this abt the ritual with love leading you into a "white and soundless place" (often how death is described) before "seeing each other face to face" (back to life and with him again) and:

this abt his guilt afterwards??? the way that jedidiah killing and reviving sydney for love haunts him every day?????? goes fucking crazy . it fits so well to me its the jeddie song of ever

another tmg song hes just tmg coded BUT cry for judas is extremely him to me .... the themes of guilt overlayed w religion especially using judas as a comparison w sydney as a christ figure ... goes crazy . particularly

this part at the beginning . it reminds me a lot of jedidiah avoiding sydney and hurting him and pushing away due to his own guilt as well as his self punishing behaviors plus obviously the themes of controlling time fit lol . i could overinterpret some other sections but i dont want to make this too rambling... but mainly this part makes me think of him and also lines like "sad and angry cant learn how to behave/still wont know how in the darkness of the grave" remind me of his weird lens of viewing sydney + the death themes that obviously call sydney to mind ...... also "some people crash two or three times and then learn from their mistakes/but we are the ones who dont slow down at all" reminds me of jedidiah projecting onto juniper and rowan who work out their issues easily and jedidiah who cant . i ramble

next up uhhhhh self esteem by ajj is basic sadboy music but yknow what . he would listen to basic sadboy music and i have intense lyrical analyses so if you call me on that then i will riot in the streets . anyway so the entire song is about like ..... avoiding other people out of guilt and shame and thats just him!!!! thats him baby . the repetition of this place has taken all my self esteem reminds me of his avoidance of sydney and the camp out of it reminding him of his guilt and shame but some more specific lyrics that remind me of him are

reminds me of his refusal to leave his office because leaving means he'll see sydney and seeing sydney reminds him of his guilt . especially when paired w sydneys fear

this part in PARTICULAR is extremely jeddiecoded!!!! to extremes!!!!!! reminds me of the contrast between college jeddie being scared of yvonne compared with jeddie not being able to handle talking to juniper bc he cant stop projecting his own guilt onto him . hes cray cray that way

a: hes a pathetic little man <3 as well as reflecting his self hatred but let me be funny, b: the phrase "pathetic little dream" reminds me of lucille referring to sydney as his pet project in things like the patreon script preview of s2, and c: jedidiah simultaneously hates and longs for the concept of forgiveness so a song ending on that very note is insane to me

im not gonna include a proper analysis of trees and flowers by strawberry switchblade bc its REALLY more of a sydney song and putting it on a jeddiecore songlist would be evil bc of this but it fits a lil bit in my brain . the whole avoidance of the outside world and avoiding things you cant control like the trees and the buildings

an ode to a bunny i killed near the a19!!!! so jedidiahcore that its insane!!!!!! like it works so well for him that it has Double Meanings with both him having to tear apart the bunny and with him having to kill sydney cmon . its insanely jeddiecore . its hard to analyze this one lyric by lyric because its more of the Overall Feeling of it but the whole thing about agonizing over killing something and not being able to move on and all that nonsense . also the repetitive lines about not being able to do it and not being able to go through with it with the inevitible fact that theyll have to and they did is fucking insane for him because all of his like proper Murders are both like .... described very clinically without a lot of emotion but seem to have left a HUGE emotional impact on him that implies that at least internally there was a lot of emotions bound up in it even if its not necessarily visible. sydneys death is described incredibly clinically but clearly fucking wrecked him to go through with it, killing the bunny is described very matter of factly but he apparently hates doing that kind of thing, the pigs ritual is described very matter of factly but apparently horrified him so much that he cant eat pork anymore, etc etc

heart for brains by roar is more of a sydidiah song (heart-for-brains being sydney) but ill focus on the part that reminds me of jedidiah bc these arent SEDDIEcore songs theyre JEDDIEcore songs

this part always reminds me of like . a VERY harsh awakening on jedidiahs part of how hes acting . very "i miss you im such a fucking idiot"core lol . because jedidiah Is incredibly cold and avoidant to sydney and it Has paid him well, but also hiding all his secrets and avoiding ever confiding in anyone hurts him just as much and doesnt make anything better or easier for himself like he thinks it does

who could win a rabbit by animal collective is a hard song to analyze lyrically lol its a lot of rambling . but it always reminds me of how others view jedidiah because of this whole idea of CONSTANTLY working and constantly being busy and never taking time to relax and enjoy things as well as the repetitive rabbit motifs reminding me of the whole rabbit scene . also iv generally thougth that jedidiah doesnt properly eat well or drink much during that time bc obvoiusly hes not spending time doing that so "eat it like its gonna get away/your coffee sure is getting colder" with leaving drinks untouched and eating food quickly to get back to work always reminds me of him

poor grammar also by roar is more how sydney Feels about jedidiah as opposed to like how jedidiah feels but im including it bc it fits .... SO insanely well that i can talk about it for ages

theres this sense with how sydney percieves the way that their relationship grew and transitioned from being teens to being adults that jedidiah didnt mature and commit to the relationshipt he way that an adult would be expected to and that made sydney grow more ad more dissatisfied and thats what this line reminds me of

this feels like . the EPITOME of pre-sydney running away seddie to me . like absolutely 100% to a t it feels like how jedidiah attempts to interact with sydney . he cant say anything outright he cant Tell sydney anything he cant outright say that he has to avoid sydney but cant handle it . he cant handle properly comforting sydney . so he just shakes and stammers and mumbles his way through a "comforting scene"

and again this is just a lot more of like . id have to do a lot more sydney analysis here and again this is like a jedidiah song list so thats not erally the point lol ..... but the whole "how am i supposed to get through" having ad ouble meaning of "how can i get through to you when youll never talk to me" and "how can i get through this without you" and the "try repeating once again this time with feeling" wanting jedidiah to express proper emotion and love to him again and "premeditated like some sick joke waited all night for you" reminding me of things like the tower building competition .... yk how it is

and obviously never love an anchor is the jedidiah song of ever but like you could watch the animatic to understand that . no explanation i could give would do better than just watching tha damn animatic

i could probably come up with more but oh my god ive gone on too long </3 but yes those are my fav jeddiecore songs

[single-malt-scotch]

regarding thoughts on secret life mechanics

SO there are a lot more mechanics going on this season than i realized bc not all of it was mentioned. ill list out what i know/heard:

the tasks, of course. you complete it and you get: 10 hearts and/or rare items. if you have enough room for the 10 hearts, you dont get items. its like an overflow. if you dont finish your task nothing happens. if you fail the task you lose 10 hearts. you can role for a harder task which gives more hearts (? 20?)

you have 30 hearts for each life. imo better to phrase it as you have 30 hearts for each phase-- green is 1, yellow is 2, red is 3. you cannot regen.

you can gift one heart only one time per session.

you can enchant anything with whatever enchant and whatever level, no limits (but no helmets as always)

i have not watched every pov and only heard this from martyn's so correct me if i explained this one wrong: you can get mob eggs, which allow you to make a spawner out of them?

thats... every one that i know of and boy thats so much more than i thought. for the last one, i saw mumbo get an egg but i just thought it was a one off spawn and a rare item from the secret keeper.

most of my criticism for the Life series comes from mechanics because its what ultimately makes the season feel good. it directs how ppl play and act.

third life was exactly what it needed to be for a first season- simple.

LL brought in an active threat, and proper desperation (boogeys were killing and made it hard to trust, more lives with the ability to gift meant getting for more in order to stay alive).

While while DL wasnt at the top of my list after 3L and LL its concept was still simple and they didnt add more to complicate what was already a tough concept to handle-- two players health tied to each other.

limlife is where i started to feel a little off with the mechanics and how it made people play. it was just one new thing (like DL) with just the boogey again, otherwise it was a timer controlling life. its cool but that concept was too complicated imo and even from a technical view it was a bit broken/hard to manage. it was a strong force to make people kill but the consequences of dying got a bit too intense, and the behavior become chaotic to where the killing methods were insanely op. it was imo, hard to follow once the numbers got too low and things were just going back and forth of losing and gaining time.

now we are on SL and i know we are only one episode in so im not hating on it- just observing this series of mechanics... the new mechanics are tasks, giving one heart per person, 30 hearts w no regen, and these spawn egg things (armor enchants are not a mechanic exactly just an adjustment). this is sooooo much stuff!! i was really hoping it would just be 30 no regen hearts and maybe one other thing. because i already feel like the gifting one heart this is kind of pointless? one heart? thats like. nothing. i have little knowledge on this spawn egg stuff but i am trying to understand why its a thing, if its a task thing i think its still kind of unnecessary?? idk.

imo this season should have had one of the things: 30 hearts w no regen (w 3 life phases) or just the tasks (with some kind of tie to lives, but not the former mentioned). honestly the task thing as cool as it is, starts to make this all feel more convoluted when it starts to stack up with more and more. i dont feel like we're focused on the system of limited lives as much and its because the way you gain and lose lives becomes more complicated and in many cases the gaining and losing of hearts is so.... quick? you dont seem to stay on one of those phases for very long before you manage to get back up, there isnt really a limit of saying "nope! you cant have more!" like there was for LL when people who had another life were losing them and eventually ppl had no one to ask for more, and boogey's didnt make you gain more either ya know? Limlife let you gain more time but youd die and lose some, but then go right back and get more, with no limit to it. now, you gain a whole ten hearts which seems like way too much? and you can again just do more tasks to get more hearts without anything stopping you.

the point of this series imo is the intensity of having no way or very limited ways to get more lives and in the end, facing the fact you cannot get out of your red life. 3L kept it simple, LL made sure to stop you at some point, and DL just made it a little different but was basically the same as 3L. i think this is kind of my consensus on whats already making me unsure of this season.

[traumatizeddfox]

I'm so...sad? Like I cant call myself the victim here but I have so much betrayal and shock from confronting my ex about her cheating and she just responds with everything I did wrong in the relationship, like basically me not making a space safe enough for her to talk to me and i never even realized? And I believe her but at the same time if i'm genuinely doing my best and i genuinely care for this person how am i supposed to know im not meeting their needs, or need to change my tone, or need to phrase things differently i never got the chance to *know* and I think thats what hurts the most, that I feel shitty but so does she so who was actually "the shitty one" you know? Did I actualy make the space not comfy enough or was that her perception, did i love and care for her or was that my perception that kind of thing

even if you didnt give them proper space u didnt deserve to be cheated on

[malviral]

𝚅𝙾𝙸𝙲𝙴 & 𝙼𝙰𝙽𝙽𝙴𝚁𝙸𝚂𝙼𝚂 ::

I'm  REPOSTING  about  this  due  to  being  displeased  with  Wesker's  new  VA:  while  Wesker  is  100%  American  ( I  HEADCANON )  he  spent  a  fair  proportion  of  his  late  childhood  probably  from  12  up  until  he  was  about  16  in  Britain  on  and  off.  This  was HIGHLY  intentional  -references  to  Spencer- 

So no, Wesker is in no way  British.  Although  its  common  for  people  to  assume  he  is  based  on  his  ‘accent’  and  the  fact  he  also  tends  to  use  very  British  /  English  sayings  and  phrases,  furthering  the  illusion  /  confusion  as  to  where  he  is  actually  from.  Wesker’s  “accent” itself  is actually very "transatlantic”  which  was  an  accent  popular  for  the  upper  class  of  America  in  the  older  days  which  is  cited  as  a  hybrid  between  American  and  British  vernaculars. 

This  is  something  Wesker  picked  up  “naturally”  as  he  is  American  by  origin  but   due  to  his  environment  and being  surrounded  by  upper-class  brits, equally  in  some of his  formative  years,  it  just  kinda  happened, not  to  mention  Wesker's  childhood  took  place  through  the  60s  and  70s  when  this was  still  common  in  upper  society  and  was  in  fact  still  a  thing  through  the  80s  and  90s.  Ultimately,  perfect  etiquette  and  “proper”  speech  was  highly  expected  of  him  so  Wesker’s  not  exactly  trying  to  sound  like  a  snotty  pompous  fuck,  he  just  is  one.  He  was  raised  this  way. 

Don’t  worry  though,  you  can  def  bring  out  the  vulgar,  slang  happy  American  in  him.  He  tends  to  alternate  depending  on  his  mood  /  environment.  This  is  more  common  when  he's  alone  /  or  just  not  giving  a  single  fuck  about  who  he's  with  /  talking  to.  It usually  happens  when  he's  not  planning  to  entertain  an  ongoing  relationship  with  his  company. 

S.T.A.R.S  being  a much  less  formal  environment  got  a  SLIGHTLY  less  “proper”  version  of  Wesker.  Slightly.   While  he  def  maintained  a  strong  sense  of  professionality  this  was  the  time  you  were  most  likely  to  hear  Wesker  drop  a  curse  in  casual  convo.  (  though  it  probably  wasn’t  even  noticed   given  the  speech  on  the  REST  of  the  usually  VERY  “unrefined”  S.T.A.R.S  members. ) 

Also  despite  typically  using  “proper  English”  he's  a  lot  less  formal  and  polite  than  some people  think  because TBH  Wesker  has  a  limited  circle  of  people  he  respects.  If  you  don't  mean  anything  to  him  /  cant  do  anything  for  him,  and  he  just  feels  the  need  to  be  an  ass  for  either  of  these  reasons,  he’s  quite   rude  and  short.  Actual  vulgarity  is  less  common  but  man  is  it  in  him  and can  JUMP  out  depending  on  whether  or  not  he's  mad / frustrated. 

TYPICALLY  I  imagine  its  pretty  fucking  “scary”  experiencing   breaks  or  slips   in  Wesker’s  snobbish,  proper  vernacular  since  yes,  the  demonic  vibes  are  real  and  if Wesker  starts  getting  snappy  and  crass  it  means  you’re  in  danger,  the  mask  is  slipping,  so run !   As  I  mentioned  on  Wesker's  page,  this  is  the  elite  Wesker  voice  to  me.

[deutoplasmic]

KITSUNE REN IS PERFECT,,, just a mischievous lil guy,,, all of them will be like crows with you because they would just give you shiny things because you take care of them like “oh what a lovely ring thank you syoya! where’d you get it” and you turn around and hes gone (dont worry he didnt steal it he just picked it up off the floor)

LMAO i mean if you ever wanna learn some filipino phrases i gotchu,,, and i relate omg i cant even handle mandarin’s 5 tones sometimes HDNDJD

yea i mean most governments are like that ;; you ask most americans about my country and they dont even realize most of the terrible stuff the US has done to us,,, and yea rigging is. par for the survival show course but in chinese shows people are even better sleuths and can work out exactly who was rigged in and out,,, its almost funny now bc in 创造营2021 specifically, one of my picks was rigged in and the other was rigged out 😭

REAL as a SEA artist one of the biggest tips thats been given to me is to charge foreign clients by USD because if clients find out youre from SEA theyll often try to lowball ;;

WHDNDJDJ SCARY CAT PRIVILEGE,,, as opposed to yudai who needs scary dog/cat privilege LMAODKJDJD i love the spectrum of boyfailures

YEA HE GOT REALLY SCARED HE WAS LIKE SNIFFLING AND WHIMPERING AND I WAS LIKE NOOOOOOOOO SMOL,,, but yea i get you the reality checks when you see young kids debut now is,,, crazy

PLSSS IM NOT THAT GOOD OF AN ARTIST 😭 everyone around me is so cool and im just here. stuck detangling a yarnball like a cat because i hate getting to knots when im crocheting LMAODKDK

also you dont have to apologize for yapping 🫡 i love listening to yapping so this is fun for me

OK WAIT THATS SO CUTE. considering blacksmith sukai who makes the jewellery himself ..... like ............ he silently hands you his laundry for the day and a gorgeous bracelet before slightly smiling at you and leaving for the day..... and glassblower ruki feels so right to me.... he makes glass koi fish flecked with gold for you........... AND CARICATURE ARTIST SHION ..........

omg i would love to learn some filipino phrases. arent there like at least 100 languages in the philippines?? also YEAH. REAL. its ok we take it :pensive:

ok i might be horribly uninformed but the most i remember is the philippines has some serious history with being colonised by spain and the us, so it lost like.... so much of its culture. and i think the us kept using it as a warzone during the two world wars?? idk. unfortunately not very versed in the history of my neighbours.... BUT ok thats hilarious how do you even figure that out. never crossing a chinese netizen they probably can find my address or smth LOL.... idk who was rigged in or out but it was such a surprise to see rikimaru, born 1993, actually make it to debut. crazy stuff

that is honestly very sad... being an often occurrence is absolutely diabolical. glad you guys are advocates for proper pay bc YIKES......

oh he absolutely DOES. same genre different needs :rofl: on the topic of who has the scary vibes i think kyosuke qualifies. idk he's like 170cm but i'm very intimidated i think he would chew me up if i were to brawl it out with him. didn't he get like 48 smth kilos on the grip strength test???? it's OVER

he signed up to sing, dance, and look good NOT to get scared by creepy horrors straight from under his bed!!!!!!!!!! who even is this poor guy.... im obligated to support him after this tragedy............ but. yeah. i think it was unis who has the one eldest member in 2001 and the rest are from 2007-2012......... the worst part was that they were from a survival show so people actively VOTED for these kids

nope i'm taking a page out of takeru's book and will only believe it if i see it!!!!!!!! but truly the horrors of untangling.... i try not to buy hanks just bc i dont have a skein winder thingy....... you guys are probably all so cooll!!!!!!!!!!!! god speaking of crocheting i hate when i realise i bungled smth like 10 rows ago like. LIKE. such a bad experience 0/10

you and me both :handshake: but i generally take the listener not the yapper role so this is a bit of a change :sweatdrop:

[dracopox]

rant 25/01

i read recently a phrase that made me think. “You take pride in the fact that you can endure suffering”

in the context of the text, this was told to a person with very low self esteem and for a moment i saw it as just a surface statement, but thinking about it later i realised that it’s probably true for me as well.

TW / mentions of self harm and self harming thoughts

i stopped self harming (actively) years ago. almost five now i think. but i slowly forgot all the little ways someone can harm oneself. that no matter how much i starved myself, or kept working with my hands under boiling water, or even attempted smoking when i was down, i always seemed to bounce back.

the lack of motivation to take care of ones self is very strange i think. i value my teeth a lot but i dont always brush my teeth. i want my skin to be clear but i always pick on it and go days without washing my face. sometimes i wonder if those are all acts of someone so spoiled that just wants things done with no effort. or if it’s because i want those things to seem appealing to other people but cant seem to put the proper effort cause i dont think im worth it.

my therapist asked me last time why i hate myself. its been two weeks and i still have no answer. why does one hate themselves?

i could say because of my mistakes, losing people or lying but honestly none of those things seem important enough to be the answer to “why do you hate yourself”. its the contradictory nature of my temperament that really clicks (not) everything into place. being vain but not, thinking im better but not. does and donts, be and not be. im always caught in an endless loop.

so, when i read that sentence, i thought about my life. i have no reason to live. havent found one for a while now. i guess i do take a bit of pride in my endurance because even after all of this i am still alive. with no purpose and very little motivation somehow im still here.

and yet i dont know if thats strength or cowardice.

i wont lie, i am scared of death. generally not a fan of things ending. the idea of dying is sweet but i just about come short of the execution. like there is an invisible line there, a limit to how much damage i can cause myself.

but i didn’t put that there.

i dont know what it is, or why it is, but it doesnt feel like my own. something is keeping me alive and i am curious to know what that is, because really if it were up to me i would be dead. or would i?

im starting to think that i dont know myself at all.

and it makes me wonder, is it possible for someone else to know me then?

(feel free to add your own thoughts and opinions under this post)

[foxs-howl]

Something I've learned about dealing with adult ADHD is that even if you don't have the resources to get the medication you need, you can learn to work with your brain instead of against it. It's not a cure or a complete fix, but it helps.

For the last several years, I've been fighting my brain like its the enemy just to do anything at all. I used to be a reader and writer. To the point where that was what I did with probably 80% of my free time. But then sometime after I left school, I just. Couldn't anymore. I couldn't get my brain to focus long enough to do either. And I think in large part, it's because it was no longer a habit. My brain forgot what it meant to focus at close to full capacity for more than a couple minutes at a time.

But then I just, stopped trying. I stopped trying to force myself to sit down and read for hours on end. But I knee i could read during 15 minute train/bus rides. At least sometimes. So I started there.

I started with fantiction because that felt like less commitment, and I just read for however long my brain would let me. When my focus started slipping, I let it. I stopped fighting my brain, and slowly, I started being able to read for longer and longer periods of time until I was reading actual books again. And then I was reading books for hours again.

I also learned how to self medicate with caffeine if I needed to focus on less captivating things (like administrative work at my job). I figured out that if I took a caffeine pill and started working on something that didn't need a ton of focus, like making a spreadsheet or planning tasks for the day, my brain would already be in work mode when the caffeine kicked in. And then I could actually focus properly and take care of the things that needed it.

And then, eventually, I was able to come back to the book I've been trying to rewrite for years. And with all the habit building, I was finally, finally able to re-plot the whole thing, fix the plot holes and narrative issues I had been having the first time i wrote it, and take care of all the preliminary research i needed. And then, suddenly, I was actually writing again. On paper, instead of on a computer because something about that seems to help.

I've been intentionally keeping it low pressure. I set aside an hour to write 3 times a week (with room for more time if i get in the zone), because thats the amount I know I can do. And if I go down the rabbit hole of researching everything there is to know about one particular topic even though I really just need to know the proper wording of a single phrase, then down the rabbit hole I go. If that means I write less than I had intended, that's OK. I'm enjoying the process again.

Truly, learning to work with my brain instead of against it has made such a difference. Would I be doing better on proper medication? Sure. Are there days I still can't get my brain to do what I want? Absolutely. But I've learned to accept that.

I'm able to do so much more of what I want now that I'm not wasting energy on trying to do what I think I should be able to amd cant. It's taken me over a year of actively trying to rebuild neural pathways to get to this point, but fuck, it's worth it. I'm enjoying reading and writing again and feeling more myself than I have in a very long time.