#cannot believe that i am starting my last semester of community college at the end of the month were finally here we did it

[tap1rs]

anyways I am full, a little sleepy, and somewhat in awe of what two corn tortillas are able to structurally support. I just put on a mediocre mid-to-late nineties sitcom on mute and just. Vegetate a bit. Tomorrow, I will take my adhd meds and brave the Horrors Of My Email Inbox so I can sort out college app stuff and also see if next semesters profs have posted their syllabi already.

[missaureus]

The Three-Striped Toga

This is the calm.

Before all else, I was never free from trials. I can still itemize the misgivings and mishaps that thankfully, with grace, I endured. It calls for much bravery to live the dream, especially being a first generation physician (to be). But here I am, the product of all those series of events. 

The journey has not started even but I failed myself already. That was a grave thought circling in my head days prior to my school admission.

While working with my entrance requirements, my doctor won’t release a certification that I was fit to study in a medical school. On the spot, it dawned on me that I was about to miss a bus, a big one. She tried to give me options which she delivered to me in a hopeless manner. That night, I soaked my pillow wet. To put it briefly (I actually have a more detailed entry of this experience way back 2016), I was able to retrieve my documents needed for me to get a fit-to-study certification. Props to the healthcare workers who shone their light on my path and made me believe that it was possible. You are all remembered. My greatest takeaway from the ill experience is that smart doctors are astounding but it is the compassionate ones that will be remembered by their patients. As a patient and an aspiring doctor, this is the word that I have been living by, to be kind always.

Finally my feelings were at bay. I thought, at least but another problem washed me off of shore again. The registrar’s office did not allow me to enroll on my scheduled date of admission because a promissory note would not suffice. We did bargain to my university’s registrar to release our transcript of records within 4 days which was the last day of enrollment since they firstly promised us for a 2-week processing. We almost camped outside the building to let them know our persistence to finally have our records on hand. 

I could recall how much breath I was trying to catch while running to the college of medicine to still catch the registrar staff in school right after they handed the papers. Mind you, I was a very crucial metric for the office to decide on how many waitlisted can have the opportunity to purse med school. I was the very last student to officially enroll! Sadly, a few were strained on that day for various reasons. 

It was only for school admission but making big decisions tested the waters. It may take courage to pursue but it also takes courage to give up. That time, I still went for the former with high hopes that medical school was for me. 

First year commenced and so was some depressive episodes. 

I want to pat my freshman self for getting through that tough year. The year when I learned to make coffee as my life line until 3 AM, when I was struggling on how to approach my PBL sessions and eventually went restless during second semester. I had my fair share of failures and retakes. I did not want it already --- the pressure, the shame, the mediocrity... I was literally crawling on the path, crawling aimlessly. All I want was an end of all of it. 

Maybe I am just on adjustment period, I thought. Procrastination went severe. I went indifferent. I chose sleeping to dissociate from reality. I could shamelessly sleep few nights before modular exams, enter a PBL session without reading any learning issues, and shrugged off failing grades posted on the bulletin board for everyone to see. To top that, my assigned community medicine families was a cause of my heartache. I was trying so hard change them to finally achieve a healthier household. Little did I know from the start that you cannot change people’s heart if they are not committed to change. 

Weirdly, I was so afraid of being an average yet I was already failing. What happened? I was never like this. I have been living so perfectionist. I still am. I kept on asking what went wrong. Do I still love what I was doing then? It takes a heart to do so. I thought, it was not a matter about adjustment period already. 

Not to mention, my body manifested my stress level. I got severe acne for the first time in my life to the point I had to seek professional help. My already low self-esteem went downhill. My insecurities skyrocketed... I even went uncomfortable towards people they shipped me with and seeing someone I used to like drift away and had feelings for someone else. I could never juggle two shits at the same time. I had to put an end to this. I tried. Even to my friends, I went blunt. 

First year and I was already in chaos. I could still remember how fervently I prayed at the end of the school year. I went to church to kneel every day not to ask the Lord to save me but to prepare my heart accepting a huge rejection towards the end of the semester. 

With God’s grace I was promoted to the second level. I received a scholarship which served as my anchor and reminder why I am doing this journey, to serve the underserve. I cannot even fathom to witness to which I consider a big miracle in my life. That day they released the result of promotion, I had to let go people who did not make it. It broke me but I have to remain stoic for myself.

Second year. It was a tougher one. I thought I was doing good but eventually my body became my biggest traitor. I was sent to various outpatient department laboratory tests which challenged us financially. I was diagnosed with stress-induced irritable bowel syndrome. I lost so much weight in a span of a month, going down to 40 kg. My gastrointestinal symptoms were crazy it made me weaker. The acne went severe. It affected my studies which became a vicious cycle. Depression would always hit at midnight thus I chose to sleep early. I could not enjoy things around me anymore. I felt shit and demotivated.

The last five months of the school year were the most painful for me. I openly talked to my mom the possibility of me repeating the year. She advised me to take a rest but I refused. She knew my body was already tired. I was asked by the dean in her office and from that moment, I already accepted the fact that I cannot redeem myself already. I weep at random times and finally I already had no tears to express.

True enough, I felt empty the day they told me about my status and will definitely get no promotion. My tear ducts were already dried and the administration did not deserve any of my tears. I accepted it right away and did not even try to bargain because truth be told, I wanted to be free from that batch also. I had issues --- the love-hate relationship, the divided subgroups, the competition. It had no sense of belongingness. I had nothing against the individuals. Sadly, I perceived the dynamic of us as a batch very toxic. I have friends but medical school is way different from college and you cannot survive from it with a toxic environment, as for me. In medical school, you are meant to help each other. That day, I was finally free! From my own feelings echoing in my head I was still okay, free from expectations of others, free from people and their toxic tendencies. 

Second second year was a game changer. A fresh start for me and the whole college. There was a change of administration. New dean, new protocols for exams and promotion. It was finally time to redeem myself. I did not even had to try to make friends with new set of batchmates. I easily adapted to the new environment which was manifested during our very first team building. 

I was inspired to study harder. Progress became prominent which was reflected on my exam results which I got to see in private. I finally did not sabotage myself and allow to celebrate small wins with eating outs after exams and all forms of selfcare. 

I was assigned to decent and loving community medicine families, where communication was not a problem. I honestly learned so much from them about life while I did my weekly visits to assess them health-wise. It was a give and take relationship.

Of course, the progress was never linear. I got my fair share of retakes and breakdowns, too. Coffee has always been my life line but I needed to let go my greatest (used-to-be) stress reliever, doing bullet and EXO journals, to spare my time and energy and pour it to more studyout sessions. 

I tried so hard to work on myself, I learned how and when to pause to breathe, I embraced imperfections, that it is okay not to know all things, it is okay to ask for help, it is okay to say no. I learned not to take all things personally and embrace constructive criticisms to direct my growth given directly and indirectly. 

It was a year I had to work on to understand myself more. 

Third year came peacefully. It was the studyout era until dawn in order to pass all exams. I had all cafes and restos in the city memorized. I know by heart the pros and cons of each. Apart from the coffee served, the company of my batchmates made the memories a happy one. 

The modules during the junior year were much more difficult. Special mention to the Neurology module that made me cry with wheezes in the school after the real-time checking of our exams. It was hard but I let it sit close to my heart until now because there were people who genuinely helped the retakers at that time. That was critical time and fragile one. My tears were for joy but a few where unfortunate who were pouring out loud since they did not make it. 

The moment we were down to our last modular exams prior to clerkship, the pandemic turned everyone’s life upside down. It concluded our pre-clerkship years without warning. 

Fourth year. Without pause, we eventually started our clerkship virtually.

[...]

[angelsfalling16]

The Thin Line Between Pretending and Actually Loving You - Chapter 4

Chapter 1 || Chapter 2 || Chapter 3 || Read on ao3

Summary: Simon and Baz learn more about each other and maybe even grow closer.

Word Count: 2373

A/N: I actually managed to write this chapter pretty quickly. I only did a quick edit, though, so I'm sorry for any mistakes!

***

Baz

“Games? That’s how we’re going to get to know each other better?”

“Do you have a better idea?”

“Yeah. We could simply talk to each other and learn things that way. You know. In the same way you would normally get to know each other.”

Leave it to Simon to try to ruin my plans. And come up with a better, more obvious, way to go about doing things.

I rather like my idea, though. It won’t feel so forced, and I feel like it will be easier to open up to each other if we have something to guide us.

“You and I have never really been normal around each other, have we?” I point out. “We have never been that great at communicating, and we have never gotten along.”

“Then, why did you agree to this? If you honestly believed that we would never be able to pull this off, why did you accept my offer?”

“I didn’t really have any other choice.”

Simon is obviously hurt by my words, and I wish that I could take them back. I don’t want to hurt him, but I can’t tell him the truth either. That I accepted his offer because I liked the prospect of spending more time with him.

I can’t let him know that the pretending isn’t what’s difficult for me. It’s the part where I try not to cross the line between pretending and showing him that I actually love him.

The reason that I struggled to act like a couple around Dev and Niall is because I’m holding myself back. I have to find a good balance, and I am hoping that these games will help. I just need to find a way to get closer to Simon without falling further in love with him.

“Look,” I say, softening my voice. “if you want to back out of all of this, I understand. I will tell my friends the truth, and you and I can go our separate ways once more.”

Once again, I’m giving him an out. And once again, he doesn’t take it.

“That’s not what I want!” I’m surprised by his tone. He almost sounds…upset.

But that doesn’t make sense. Why would he care whether we continue this ruse? It’s not like he is getting anything out of it. He only offered to do this because… Well, I’m not really sure.

It doesn’t seem like he would do this just so we could get the chance to start over. We could have tried that without him pretending to be my boyfriend. Maybe he thought that I would never agree to trying to be friends. Not after everything that I put him through.

“What do you want then?” I ask quietly.

“I want to get to know you, but I don’t understand why all of this has to be so complicated.”

“It is not complicated. I actually thought that playing games would be more fun than forced conversation,” I admit, and I can see him starting to give in.

 Simon

I don’t know about fun, but these games are certainly interesting.

They aren’t even games exactly. They are quizzes that Baz found online for us to take. They’re supposed to tell us how well we know each other.

I don’t need a quiz to tell me that I don’t know anything about Baz Pitch.

I spent four years living with him, but we spent so much time antagonizing each other that we never took the time to learn anything about each other. We shouldn’t have even continued to be roommates after the first year of college. I could have requested a different roommate or moved into an apartment or a different dorm, but I chose to stay.

I feel for him, and I couldn’t imagine leaving him.

It makes me wonder why Baz chose to stay. I know it wasn’t for the same reason, no matter how much I wish it was. He was probably just worried that no one else would want to room with him if they heard how awful he had been with me.

It weird to think that I feel for a boy who I apparently know nothing about, I realize as I fail the second “how well do you know your partner?” that I’ve taken today.

I only got 6 out of 22 points, which is pretty much the worst that you can do. My results tell me that our relationship could stand some improvement. (Obviously.) It also says, “Perhaps you never had the time or the tools to really get to know each other.” That is actually pretty spot on.

Like Baz said, we never figured out how to get to know one another. We always struggled to just sit down and talk, which I guess is why Baz thought these quizzes would help us. I don’t know how this is supposed to help, though.

With a sigh, I shut my computer and slump down into the corner of Baz’s couch before voicing my concerns to him.

“I don’t understand how this is going to help me get to know you. If anything, it has solidified the fact that I don’t know you at all.”

“That was just the beginning,” he says, looking up at me from his own quiz. “To see where we stand. Don’t worry, I didn’t do much better.”

I’ve never seen Baz act so calmly about failing a quiz, and it makes me wonder what score he actually got. Surely, he doesn’t know me better than I know him.

“Here,” he says, clicking something on his computer. “I have another quiz that we can both do. Write down your answers on a piece of paper and answer how you would answer them about me and then about yourself. I will do the same, and then, we will compare our answers to see what we got right.”

“So, now you are going to grade me on how well I know you? Why, so you can judge me?”

“No. That way we know what we need to talk about, what we need to learn about each other.”

“Fine. But I get to choose the next quiz we do.”

“Deal.”

Baz sends me the link to the quiz and finds me a notebook and pencil, and I move to stretch out on the floor while I answer this set of questions.

There are only 21 questions here. Is that really enough to test how well we know each other?

I suppose we’ll find out.

Reading the first question, I am already doubtful of the helpfulness of this quiz.

What’s your partner’s least favorite body part?

Why would I know that? I don’t even know what my least favorite body part is.

After considering this for a minute, I decide to go with his nose because I’m sure that every time he looks at it in the mirror, it reminds him of me. It’s crooked from that time I punched during a particularly vicious argument that we got into our first semester. The last thing Baz would have wanted was a reminder of me, the person he used to hate.

I continue on through the questions. The next two give me a little bit of trouble, but four and five are easy.

Did your partner have a nickname as a child? What was it? Bonus point: Did they like the nickname? Why? and Which of your partner's aunts or uncles are they closest to?

Baz is his nickname that we was given when he was younger, and I’m assuming that he likes it because he still uses it. And his favorite aunt is Fiona. She’s just as awful as Baz used to act. Whenever she came to school to visit, I made sure to stay away from our door. Baz by himself was bad enough to deal with.

I guess on a lot of the questions, and there are some that I just don’t have the answer to. Like, Name two of your partner's grandparents. I can’t even name one of them. And what is your partner’s favorite smell? Why would I know that?

I didn’t even know that I had a favorite scent until after I graduated college. Until I left our dorm and realized that I missed the familiar scent of it. And then it wasn’t until a while later that I realized that the scent was Baz and his posh shampoo. Cedar and bergamot.

I can’t write that as my own answer, though, because that would mean admitting that I like the way Baz smells. I absolutely cannot do that, so I write down cherry scones for myself and leave it blank for Baz.

It takes me about ten more minutes to answer the rest of the questions. Baz is already done, and I’m not sure if that’s because he had an easier time answering the questions or if he left several of them blank, like I did.

 Baz

Some of the answers that Simon wrote down are completely absurd. For example, when it asked what your partner did during the summer as a child, he said that I spent them travelling the world and exploring castles.

He was pretty surprised when I told him that I spent most summers working on a farm with my father’s family. Apparently, he thought that I had never done any kind of physical labor in my life.

I won’t say that I did much better than Simon, but at least I tried.

A lot of these questions would be impossible to answer unless you had spent a lot of time with your partner. Something that Simon and I have definitely never done. They do help me learn a bit more about him.

I find out that Simon secretly likes country music, which makes me almost stop being in love with him. He says that, in his defense, that’s mostly what he listened to while in group homes. It’s what the other boys liked to listen to, so it’s what he was exposed to the most.

I decide to forgive him this opinion since he didn’t really have a choice in the matter but make a mental note to try to expand his music taste later on.

I also find out that he is afraid of dying alone. He has felt so alone for so much of his life that he hopes that when his life ends that he will have finally met someone who will always be there for him. It doesn’t have to necessarily be a romantic partner, but he wants to have someone in his life who he knows won’t abandon him.

I wish that I could help him find this. I want to be someone who makes him feel like he belongs somewhere, but I’m not sure that he would want me to be that for him.

I feel bad for always be so cruel to him when we were younger, and I decide now that even if this whole fake dating thing fails, I am going to do my best to make up for the way that I treated.

As we go through the rest of the questions, Simon and I both admit to things, both serious and not, before Simon searches for another quiz for us to go through.

“What about this one?” He asks, turning his computer screen towards me.

“340 is a lot of questions,” I say, reading the title.

“We don’t have to answer them all. Like you said, it’s only to get a conversation started.”

“Alright,” I agree. “Ask me the first question.”

He smiles quickly at me before turning his computer back towards him so that he can read it.

“What is my middle name?”

“That’s not fair. You don’t even know the answer to that.”

“Actually…”

***

The quiz that Simon turns out to be a great way for us to learn about each other. We learn a lot of small things about each other, but those things build up to a bigger picture that help me better see Simon for the amazingly sweet person that he is.

It also gives Simon the opportunity to open up to me about what he has been doing these past couple of years.

Apparently, he did find out more about his birth mother. The man he suspected to be his father really is his birth father, but he passed away before Simon took off on his little adventure.

Knowing who he was helped him find out who his mother was.

Her name was Lucy Salisbury, and she grew up in a small town with Simon’s father, David. She passed away during childbirth, but she got to name Simon before he was born.

Simon Snow Salisbury.

Not only is it nicely alliterative, but it also means that what Simon thought was his last name is actually his middle name.

I’m not sure where exactly Simon found all of this information, but the way he talks about it, it seems like he feels a little bit more whole knowing where he comes from, and I am happy for him.

Learning about his mother evidently is what made him change career paths. He thought that working with children who came from similar backgrounds as him would help, but now, he thinks that he wants to get away from his past, to try to move on from it.

He still wants to work with children, though, which is why he is going back to school to get a teach degree. I think that it is a lovely idea, and his reasons for it are touching.

The whole point of this was simply to get to know more about Simon, and even though I feel like I have accomplished that, I think I also fell more in love with him, the one thing I didn’t want to do.

Hiding my feelings from Simon is going to be difficult, but as we talked about our families, I realized that it’s going to be even worse when I have to introduce him to my family at Christmas.

Luckily, I still have some time before then. Time to prepare myself and find a way to better protect my heart.

***

Thanks for reading and happy holidays, everyone! <3

I took the questions from real quizzes that I found so here are the links to them:

How well do you know your partner?: https://www.gottman.com/how-well-do-you-know-your-partner/ 21 Questions to Test How Well You Really Know Your Partner: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201607/21-questions-test-how-well-you-really-know-your-partner 340 How Well Do You Know Me Questions: https://www.luvze.com/how-well-do-you-know-me-questions/

[nikkisnonsense-blog1]

To Myself... Three Months Ago

Dear Nikki,

Hey girl, I come to you not bearing the greatest of news. These next few months are going to be some of the hardest of your life so far. I really hate to be the one to tell you this but I feel like we’re close enough that we can be honest with each other. Well I’m not gonna waste anymore time because there’s a lot I need to get you up to speed on. Let’s make this a list of 8 things for organization sake.

      1. The musical you’ve been directing for the past few months will not be happening

You and your friend/ music director, Joe have been wearing out the phrase “I can’t believe the show is happening!” for the past few months. Sadly, that’s not the case. Sure, sometimes you wanted to rip your hair out due to frustration or cried in your car because you didn’t think you were doing a good enough job. But underneath it all, I know you had put more work into this show than you have for anything else in your life. You knew the possibility of the show being canceled was there but it was only something that you joked about in rehearsal with your cast. It could never become a reality. The day you find out, you won’t cry much. Which is weird. If anything you don’t feel much at all. The next day your cast will do an amazing concert style performance of the show instead which people will rave to you about and it genuinely makes you feel good for a moment. But it isn’t until after that’s over that it actually begins to set in. When everyone else starts to move on You’ll stare at the box of props that sits in your kitchen for months and feel a weird form of uneasiness. You were told by everyone that any frustration you feel would be worth it when the curtain opens. But what do you do when the curtain never opens? You’re forced to sit with the disappointment and sadness of an unfinished project. You think about all of the fun things you would have gotten to do with your cast and crew and how proud of yourself you would have been after the shows. That’s when you cry.

      2. The second half of your last college semester will be taken away

Besides the Musical, you will also be missing out on plenty of other events at school.  Your spring concert, trip to NYC, your roommate’s senior art show, your girlfriend’s comedy show, any theatre in the area, drunken nights with your friends, and most importantly, Graduation. Ah yes, the very thing that your entire life has been waiting on. At least that’s how it feels. You remember when you were little and traveled to upstate New York and Boston for your cousins’ graduations and how big of a deal they were. Or watching your parents tear up at your sister’s graduation. Not having been the best student in school, you were shocked you even made it this far. A day that was going to be a monumental experience for you and so many others has just been pushed to a further date. Like a dentist appointment. That day hurts the most. When I tell my parents how upset I am, they assure me “You’ll still have a graduation!” but you know it won’t be the same. You get mad at the world because of it and feel like stomping your feet on the ground and yelling “It’s not fair!” like a child. But you know that wouldn’t do any good.

       3. You’re going to gain weight

As someone who has had body images their whole life, I know this sounds like an absolute nightmare. And it kind of is. It’s kind of inevitable wen you can’t leave your house anymore, you rely on Door Dash a little too much, The gym is closed, and you really have no motivation to do anything. Stretch marks will appear in new places, shirts that once fit perfectly will be snug, and certain clothes you used to feels sexy in, just make you feel like a fool. It’s so important to remind yourself that your body is changing because your lifestyle is changing. It’s going to drive you wild for a while but I promise you it is not the end of the world. Also your girlfriend assures you she still finds you beautiful in any state. 

       4.  You move back in with your parents

You’re fortunate enough to have the last 2 months in your apartment to quarantine with your roommates and your girlfriend which is like a weird stretch of time where there are no rules and you feel like a Sim without a task. Then before you know it, your lease is up and your parents come up and help move you out of your apartment. Now I know you’re thinking that sounds like a nightmare but living with Mom and Dad is not as awful as you imagined. They treat you like an adult, give you your space, and dad only makes you watch one video he finds online a day as opposed to his usual 5. Theres also a bulk size container of cheese sticks from Costco so you decide this place isn’t too bad. Moving home is surprisingly the best you’ve felt all year. Your mental health is getting better which is a god sent considering how miserable you’ve been. So there is a silver lining

     5. Finding work is IMPOSSIBLE

You’ll find yourself comparing yourself to when your sister finished college and found work and an apartment almost immediately. Even though she’s in a different field and graduated 3 years ago when the world was a much different place, you still compare yourself. Indeed and Ziprecruiter become your best friends but they clearly don’t like you back very much because your responses are limited. The closest you get to a job is an insurance agency that would offer you $65,000- $85,000 a year. Maybe it’s just the Jew in you, but those numbers got you very excited, so you apply. They decide they’re interested in you and schedule you for a virtual interview. You’ve also read the job description 100 times and still have no god damn idea what you would be doing. During the Interview, the man asks you if you have any doubts and you say “maybe a few due to my lack of experience” but in your head you’re thinking “What the fuck am I doing. I have a degree in Theatre and I’m trying to get a job selling insurance. Would this job even make me the tiniest bit happy besides the paycheck?” The man tells you that he would like to offer you the job to which you graciously say thank you.  As soon as you hang up the zoom call, you immediately burst into tears. Frustrated and sad that the only job you have gotten close to is one you don’t even want. The jobs you do want, in the arts and media, are not hiring right now and if they are it’s for people with 5+ years of experience. You’ve applied to over 50 jobs at this point and the only ones that have gotten back to you sound dreadful. You learn that no paycheck is worth a lifetime of sadness. You email the man back saying thank you, but you cannot accept the job.

    6. The world is full of awful people

This may seem like an exaggeration at first especially because I- uh I mean you, are generally a pretty optimistic person. You may have severe depression, but you still usually see the glass half full. But even the blindest of optimists can’t deny the world looks pretty shit right now. Besides the pandemic, Black people are being murdered left and right by police for no reason. Something that certainly isn’t a new phenomenon but has now been amplified to new heights and has brought out the rage in people. You do what you can to help in these times. Protesting, donating, sharing online, signing petitions but it never feels like enough. You will continue to raise your voice about Black Lives Mattering and hope for change. Acknowledging your white privilege and trying to listen to the voices of others. As much as you personally try to help out, you end up seeing the ugly that comes out as well. Especially in your 92.9% white small town. 

    7. Pride will be different this year

The yearly celebration of going to Pride in Philadelphia with rainbow shadow on your eyes, glitter in your hair, and a water bottle full of vodka and gatorade have now been replace with anger and a yearning for justice. The LGBT community would be nothing without Black activists backing it. The Stonewall Riots were led by a Black Trans Woman. So you do your part to amplify black voices as a part of pride. Because right now is not the time to take shots and dance to Whitney Houston.

    8. You’re not the only one feeling this way

Even though life is a bit of a shit show right now, it’s so important to remind yourself that you are not the only one experiencing these things. None of your friends know what the hell they’re doing either.  Everyone is just scared shitless of the state of the world and is trying their best. Please take some of the pressure off yourself. You are only a person and it’s unrealistic to put these standards on yourself. The world today is a completely different world than it was 3 months ago. As for the months to come, I have absolutely no idea what to expect. You’d have to ask 6 months from now Nikki but I haven’t met her yet. The world will not be the same as it was before but I promise you, there is a new normal somewhere beyond the horizon. 

Take care of yourself,

Present Day Nikki

Ps. You are going to adopt a baby tortoise named Harley and he will be the light of your life. He will make life just a bit more bearable.

Pss. 

Here are links to help the Black Lives Matter movement

[thatonegirlwhodoesthings]

End Of Year Review

Last time I was here I was way more of a mess yet I had way too much hope and, thankfully, I was right in having hope. Now, here I am at the end of the year in December and so much has changed but that comes with graduating and transitioning into college. Here is my end of year review in which I express what I learned about the world and about others that has impacted what I know and thought I knew about myself. 

I spent half of my July unsure if I was even going to have the opportunity to actually go to college. I worked so hard and was so scared but when July 15th came and I paid my first bill to my school I knew that this was my opportunity. I also knew I needed to work really hard to be able to stay so, on top of this new pride in knowing I was actually, officially going to be going to college, I needed to take on more responsibility and got a second job. July is when I really started working my first job and it was new and exciting. Getting called in on my days off, having something to do and with this came a new sense of pride that I was working towards what I wanted. I became, to some extent, less reliant on my mother. Having two jobs allowed me to prove to myself, and other (but mostly me) that when I want something, I will work for it. 

August was eventful. As it was getting closer to move in day, closer to me finally achieving a goal that has been MONTHS in the making, life around me seemed to fall apart a little bit. I was so focused on my goals and did not have the time or energy to dwell on the domestic abuse my mother was facing, forcing us, just months before one big transition in my life, to make another one. My mother and I were forced to leave our home and move in with her friends because it was the only way she could feel safe in the face of her abusive substance abusing boyfriend. While it was not the easiest thing to go through or witness for a second time in my life in a minimal amount of years, staying focus and having something I was working towards and looking forward to was helpful. Halfway through the month, after finishing at both my jobs and learning so much not only about pushing myself but also about the usefulness of saying no, I packed my things and moved 3 hours away to NYC for school. I was 18, not too naive but eager to learn and experience new things. Orientation in itself was an experience. I met so many new people and some ending up having such an impact on my life, even if they no longer exist as a necessary part of it now. They were relevant when I needed them and aided me for the time being. 

September was when things started to pick up speed. If you told me in September that what happened would happen, I would tell you you were insane. I lost a friend, who even after only knowing a few weeks, was a person who was there for me, just turns out we were not meant to stay friends and that is okay.More importantly, I became closer with other people I had met and even met somebody knew who holds his own special place in my heart.  I also, to my pleasure, had my first sexual experience with a girl while I was drunk and I would never trade that experience for anything. Even if I could not remember her name after and can barely remember it now. This night was actually the first night I really talked to him. Yes, I met him. He, had my heart thumping in September, filled with joy after experiencing this new moment with somebody I had never had before. He caused plenty of useless confusion for me that I know cannot even remember but without it, probably would not be where we are today. 

October, my birth month, was nice in its own way. It was when I began getting close with her. Not only with her though, but I also got to know other people I had not known that well. I am forever grateful for these people as they created a community that I feel I could be apart of, while not having to always be apart of. Distance, I learned, is necessary for me. I need space from people in that being around the same ones constantly drives me crazy. This fact, is something I truly got comfortable with around this time. I also, against my free will, got closer with him but that's alright. I had a pleasant birthday and, came out to my longtime friend. She is great and I love her. I, being a little bitch, had to use ridiculous analogies to come out but it is difficult when somebody has known you a certain way for so long. You do not want to alter that image they have of you and possibly ruin the relationship. Her, being the bestest friend ever, was supportive and it unlocked this part of my life that I had been wanting to tell her. I finally had that chance. 

October was disappointing still, in some ways, in that I did not do as well as I would have liked on my midterms. I was at school to do well and succeed, to further my education. And here I was, blowing that aspect off. It manifested itself in my less than satisfactory grade on my psych midterm. However devastating that was, it encouraged me to study for my other midterms which, thankfully, I did much better on. It was a reminder that procrastination got me nowhere and I needed to focus. It lead to me taking more thorough notes the second half of the semester and studying more. 

While the first half of October leading up to my birthday was eventful in itself, Halloween was its own ballpark. You see, a week before I kissed her for the first time while I was tipsy and then went to him. It, for the first time, brought up a real issue I had to deal with. I like these two people and I do not want to hurt either of them. Halloween, I went to a party with her and, as a drunk dumbass, made out with her. I enjoyed it but it did nothing but confuse me. 

November was filled with me going back and forth between him and her. I did not know what or who I wanted and while that part has not changed, I am dealing with the situation in a healthier way, to some extent at least. It was also filled with me getting my first writing job and therefore, my first step in the door to working with authors in the future and possibly writing myself. Furthermore, it taught me, more than anything, the absolute necessity of communication but we are still working on that one. It was also the first time I went home since August and it was interesting to see how nothing really changes when you leave. I feel as if I could leave home for years and come home and be completely unfazed. Everything is a cycle here. It is nice to be somewhere and go places where everything is always new. I don’t think I want to be stuck watching these cycles anymore now that I know how much more interesting life can be. I went to a wedding too and it was so beautiful. It reminded me that even if for a moment, love does exist, no matter what it turns into. It is so tragic how we let bad experiences way more heavily upon us than the good. Anyway, the wedding was great and it made me excited for when I marry my wife. So many people were complaining but I thought it was beautiful anyway. Watching those little moments between the bride and groom, even if nobody was sober, was so impactful. That is what I want from my wife and I want to not be afraid to let myself have it. 

In December, I came back to campus a wreck. I spent a week long break barely talking to anybody and ignoring the two people who had the most impact in my life. The worst thing is me getting way too high my first night back and then having to have a serious conversation with her. I think she did not notice, but that night is blurry to me. A positive from that however, thanks to her, we were back on good terms after not speaking for two weeks and it brought us, to my displeasure, closer. That’ll be painful later but for now, all is good. Until I face the reality that there is a small possibility that I'll never see her again but that's neither here nor there and I have no right to be selfish and make that situation about me. I am concerned about her and hope she is okay or as okay as any college student can be. I just want to see her happy honestly. She deserves that at least. He I did not talk to for two weeks as well. Not talking to him until a week after I got back, I got drunk and was like alright I need to see him, after listening to Marvin's Room and crying which is my civil duty as an over-dramatic light skin. I then got more drunk and forced us to talk about our feelings. Now, we are in a better place we have been in awhile.

 I left for break in a really good mindset. I feel as if I am in a good spot with the relationships in my life. I am the best mentally I have been in a while and honestly, have little stress. I am going to soak in this place for as long as I can. 

So, how would I rate my year overall. As far as learning goes and accomplishments, I would give myself a ⅘ stars. I accomplished so much and have learned so much. I have done so much and experienced so much. I accomplished things that, if you told my bum ass a year ago, I would say no, I did not do that because I would have never tried. Mentally I would give this year a ⅖. I have had some of my lowest lows that I have had in a LONG time. I believe that comes with big changes and new experiences though. It was just me trying to figure things out and, hopefully, in the future I will be able to process and handle similar situations better. I appreciate this year for everything it gave. Everything it taught me. Everyone it brought in and took out of my life. This will be a year I look back at and call life changing and I am so thankful for that. 

Thank You 2019. 

[unimpressedperson]

“10 Movies to Describe Me” tag

Hey, as I ever said, I LOVE cinema and going to the movies, watching documentaries, enjoying life by studying every nuance present on the 7th art.

Along life we have contact with a bunch of movies and references that affect our personalities, view of world, and even how we act towards some situations. Cinema is a powerful way of art, possibly influencing.

Everyone has a list of movies which influenced our personal growth. This list is all about it: 10 Movies you can use to describe me.

1 - Spirited Away

Well, I think Spirited Away was my first contact with cinematography eastern culture and made me go further in searching for more. I was 5 or 6 when I watched and fell in love with it.

Nowadays I know how to respect different cultures, have a deep interest in stories and mythologies from other countries. Thank you Studios Ghibli!

Influenced personality: Love for mythology and cultures.

2 - The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

I LOVE drag queens and everything related to that subculture. I remember watching that movie as a kid, after midnight and hiding from my parents, which advised me to sleep because I had school the next morning.

Everything seemed so colourful and amazing, almost magical. A explosion of music and dresses, high heels, makeup, big wigs and dancing.

While growing up it influenced my choices on sports, acceptance, music, and love for drag culture.

RuPaul's Drag Race is part of my love for drag queens, but it wasn't the first reference. Btw, support your local queens and art.

Influenced personality: Dancing skills, LGBT acceptance (when it comes to myself, I have nothing to do with someone else's sexuality), love for drag culture and pop music.

3 - Blackfish

Oh ma'am, now we got to a very rough part of my personality: my HATE and INDIGNATION over zoos and aquariums.

I don't like zoos, not at all. Watching animals caged in small spaces and sad, oh boy, it makes me want to invade the whole place with a hammer and set them free.

Before watching Blackfish I didn't quite realize how bad everything was for fishes in Aquariums as well. Now, I want to start petitions against Sea World and Aquário de São Paulo.

I love animals, WAY MORE than I enjoy being around humans, so knowing how suffering is their life inside small places makes me want to cage humans and let them walk freely.

Influenced personality: Love for sea animals and thirsty for their justice.

4 - Inglorious Basterds

(This scene is one of my favourites lol)

#ILOVEHISTORYANDTARANTINO

Well, Inglorious Basterds is a very historically inaccurate movie, but I love it with all my stone cold heart. There are so many catchphrases and iconic moments.

I just love that movie. Nothing really special or meaningful.

Influenced personality: The need for kill Nazis lol

5 - The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I was a very angst teenage and depressed as well, not counting anxiety on the mix. When I was 13 The Perks of Being a Wallflower aired on cinemas, and suddenly all my concerns about acting weird and not normal, compared to other girls around and whose studied with me, kind of seemed so pointless, mainly because Patrick, Charlie and Sam seemed to have so much fun, even acting quirckly and being classified as misfits.

My story has nothing to do with neither of characters, but I related a lot to them. So I think a big part of me came and flourished after watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Also, it taught me the importance of speaking how you feel, therapy and trusting people enough to tell them when something wrong is going on.

The book is also one of my favourites, so I’m not impartial when it comes to The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Influenced personality: Not afraid of being myself, fight for human basic right of having mental health treatment guaranted and embracing my quirk personality.

6 - Erin Brockovich

Everyone who knows me well enough, is VERY aware of how independent and self-suficient I am. I hate depending on people for completing tasks or doing stuff, so most of the time I try to learn do things all by myself. It’s something natural inside of me, partly because I don’t get lonely, so the idea of depending on someone to anything makes me cringy.

Erin Brockovich is a movie I watched when I was 12 and the way Erin acted towards everyone, giving priority to her life and kids, not caring about everyone else’s opinion, it made me root to be independent like her (except for the kids and struggle to find a job). Erin exhales big dick energy, also the ending made me aplaud the movie (even tho I was alone at home watching it).

Influenced personality: I learnt how to classify my priorities, also improved my confidence on how I act, since Erin isn’t afraid of achieving things and proving her point, even if everyone else is against and won’t believe her.

7 - Lilo & Stitch

I think every single living human alive had at least one movie, you know this one movie, which you obsessed during your childhood. It doesn’t matter the genre, you watched it nonstop and pissed off your whole house with how repetitive movie marathons seemed to get with you, since everytime you picked whatever you were about to watch, your choice was quite predictable.

The movie I obsessed during my childhood was Lilo & Stitch (also Scooby Doo, where do you think I learned how to copy someone’s fingerprint by using pore cleanser and powder?).

As I mentioned a few items ago, I was a misfit and it played a big part on my life, being excluded from parties, playdates and games during P.E was common. It bothered me, but everything changed when we adopted my first dog, a dachshund called Xuxinha. We were Lilo & Stitch, whenever people treated me badly at school, I knew that she would be waiting for me at home.

Xuxinha passed away in 16th February 2017, and I still miss her.

  Influenced personality: It helped understand that people are douchebags, but as long as I have my dog/sister at home to hold and distract me, then nothing else matters. I learned the importance of surounding yourself with people who cares about your well-being, not caring specie, ethnicity, etc.

8 - Wonder

I don’t think this item requires a lot of text to describe why I felt influenced by it. Watch the movie and let’s sob together.

Influenced personality: Learned why appearance means nothing, and everyone goes through some struggle, so always be there for people who cares about you as much as you do about them. Also, always stand up against bullying, it may look like a joke now, but it can be the trigger for fatalities.

9 - Spotlight

I study Social Communication: Journalism, that’s what I’ve been wishing to do and want to be in the future. Even tho I decided what I wanted as my career YEARS before the release of Spotlight, it helped me define which kind of journalism I wanted to follow: Investigative.

It feels like I just made 4 out of 2+2, considering the fact that I love detective stories and would love to be a detective myself, but watching and acknowledging that all the investigation and  accusations were based on real facts, oh Ma’am, I can’t even describe the thrill consuming my mind only by imagining what it feels like to be involved journalistically in an investigation.

Influenced personality: My PASSION for investigative journalism.

10 - The Imitation Game

Last but not least: The Imitation Game.

Well, I constantly get annoyed on how biased our society is, for real, and whenever it happens I write poems and texts and protest, and piss off a bunch of people by only talking about a situation of inequality. When I first watched The Imitation Game the whole Alan Turing being castrated and killing himself because of homophobia and a VERY, I repeat, VERY narrow-minded society, it PISSED OFF THE HELL OUT OF ME, and I used this rage during a full semester of college paper works.

I named a group after Alan Turing and our semester project was basically about people being biased and killing genius because they cannot look further from their own bellybottoms. I won a “Oscar de Jornalismo”, which is the award that happens every six month in my college, prizing the best works from the semester.

It still makes me so angry to imagine what Alan Turing could had done if he lived for at least 20 more years.

Influenced personality: Well, it made me channel my rage about a situation and helped me to understand why we should discuss homophobia, racism, wars, etc, even harder now. Watching the world following the path for making the same mistakes all over again is frightening, and only history can help us.

- x-

It has potential to be a tag, so I’ll tag some people I want to know what movies inspired them. You don’t have to make a whole long ass text about your choices, just sharing is enough :)

@ohmydearmoonchild @okayycalum @emerson-moonchild @btsqualityy @theburntwaffle

[lyesera-thoughts]

Therapy - Support

SUPPORT MATTERS

I cannot stress this enough. Support matters. It can mean the literal difference between life and death for some people.

For anyone who is looking for advice on how to help anyone you see struggling. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, bullying, any of it at all. BE THERE FOR THEM!

I didn’t have much in the way of support when I was a child. My home wasn’t safe, my father was just as much a bully as my peers. My teachers didn’t protect me, they told me to deal with it. Ignore it. Stop bothering them.

What I had, until I was a freshman in high school, was a mother. Who, no matter how hard it got, always made sure I knew she loved me. Which helped me when I started entertaining thoughts about killing myself when I was still only 12 or 13 years old. I believed her when she said I would survive it and get out. I believed her when she said she would always be there for me.

I swore my last act on this Earth would not be to hurt her like that. If I killed myself, I knew she would be destroyed.

I developed other coping mechanisms, however. I learned to disassociate. To shut down. I still wished for the end of my existence most days. Imagined it, an end to the bottomless pit of despair I appeared to be trapped in. I mean, mom couldn’t be hurt if I just didn’t exist, right? But nothing’s that magical.

Then I met my best friend. She was new to the school actually, moved from a few hours up north. Something about her just instantly drew me in. In a rare moment of bravado that I’m not sure I experienced really since then (and certainly hadn’t before, people just weren’t to be trusted) I introduced myself to her. It became the single most important decision of my life.

She and I became fast friends. All of our interests aligned and it bonded us closely together. If it wasn’t for the fact that we looked polar opposites, she and I probably would’ve been mistaken for siblings. I am 5′ 11″, broad shoulders, blonde hair, and blue eyed. She is 5′ 3″, petite figured, brown hair, and hazel eyed.

As it was, apparently most of the people who knew us had assumed we were dating. High school for me was the time when the LGBT community and pride movements were becoming popular and she was a out-of-the-closet Bi. She was part of the group that headed the Gay/Straight alliance club at our high school.

I think I did have a crush on her. I certainly idolized her for the simple kindness she showed me. She gave me the last little push I needed to get through school as things at home started degrading worse. She was the light of my life, and I will forever be grateful.

Then I left for college, while she was settling down and starting her own family. I couldn’t rely as heavily on her. And in some bizarre twist of fate, I met my fiance. 

I was keeping to myself. I was falling into depression, I know I was. I was physically isolated, as my roommates kept moving out and I would not be assigned new ones. The few friends I had managed to scrape together the first semester dropped out.

He was just this random guy in a class I was taking my second year that sat next to me and played video games or subtitled anime when the teacher was lecturing. I thought he was such an asshole.

Turns out, he’d seen my Halo hoodie, and my Naruto headband, and thought, I’m going to get her attention. Kind of failed, I’m sorry to say. I’m a walking ball of obliviousness.

He had to walk right up to me during a free period in which we were both at the cafeteria eating and asked if he could sit with me. That was when I finally ‘met’ him.

It took a while for me to finally say yes. But when I did I found what was probably the most amazing man I had ever known. He had quite the up-hill battle with me.

My father hated him. He hated my father.

He hated all the random ticks I had learned, such as shutting down in a fight rather than communicating and my need to over analyze everything.

But he stayed with me. He encouraged me to finish college when it got tough. To find a job and then find another job when they were not treating me with much respect.

A few years into our relationship he finally broached the subject of a therapist. Asked if I had ever considered seeing one. I hadn’t. I didn’t want to. He dropped it.

But once in a while, when things were bad, he’d ask again. Every time I said no, he dropped it until it was bad again.

Three years this cycle repeated. Until I finally had a panic attack that lasted for hours. Unfortunately, he was not 100% able to support me that day. He was celebrating, had taken some personal time. He was drunk by the time I got home. Drunk him is...not as great to talk to. Still a sweet man but very belligerent and spent most of the night telling me that my boss could shove it. Which wasn’t what I wanted or needed that day.

It made me realize I couldn’t just look to him. He had his own life and his own problems and achievements. He couldn’t spend all his time and energy only on me, that’s how bad relationships (like the ones my parents had) formed. I couldn’t keep doing this to either of us. Least of all to me. What kind of life was I living anyways?

I sought help. I got my therapist and I started working on things. 

He was and continues to be there for all of it. I’m open about every session and what my therapist has recommended for my “tools” to cope. He follows through with every single one. It’s helped. I can see differences in it all.

I am very grateful for everyone who kept me going and most of all to him. This is what matters, how you can help those struggling. Be their support. It’ll be the single most important thing you can ever give them.

[angeltriestoblog]

Second sem (and freshman year) recap

It’s pretty hard to believe, but another chapter of my college journey is finally over and done with. Since I had ended the first half of the school year in such high spirits, I didn’t really believe upperclassmen when they warned that things were only going to get harder from there. In fact, I even thought I’d be the one to prove them wrong! I mean, with a class schedule that looked like this, how would I run out of time for all the things I both needed and wanted to do? My Tuesdays and Thursdays were practically free, save for that one Math class I had to attend in the morning that I surprisingly never cut.

For the most part of the semester, I was in a chill state compared to everyone else. I claimed that I had successfully adjusted to the demands of higher education to the point where I found what once was an unreasonable workload to be manageable. I was able to make time for my home org’s activities and devote enough attention to the only project I was deployed to, which I touched on a bit in my first recap blog post (linked here in case you want to jog your memory). As previously mentioned, I was assigned as one of the Documentations Heads under the Information Management department of the Career Building Program, a three-phase event that gives its participants a glimpse into the corporate world. We kicked things off with a resume writing workshop that I was lucky enough to join. The facilitator assigned to me gave useful insights that I was able to apply in the creation of my own curriculum vitae, which I am keen on using when it’s my turn to apply for internships and jobs in the future. I obviously don’t have much on it yet, seeing as I’m just a freshman, but the idea of filling it up with more experiences over the years is exciting me in ways I cannot explain.

Our group was even given the opportunity to explore the studio of the country’s biggest network, where we were briefed by executives in communications and IT and toured around the sets of our favorite shows. We even ran into Luis Manzano while he was filming Minute to Win It! Unfortunately, I wasn’t scouted by any representative from Star Magic and spontaneously put in a love team with Donny Pangilinan, but I guess that’s alright.

I also went to Talent Night with some friends (not in pictures: Gela's boyfriend and ICA barkada), which is shocking since I’m honestly not the type to attend parties like this. I’ve always been the girl who stayed home and binge watched YouTube videos on a Friday night. But, I guess the drunk confidence of those I was with rubbed off on me and I managed to pull through! It was also a plus that Timmy Albert was one of the performers: I do pass him by along the corridors quite frequently, but it’s just different seeing him sing and play an instrument in front of a crowd, especially since I’ve loved Roses and Sunflowers even before I got into Ateneo.

One surprise that I definitely did not see coming was participating in Daloy, our annual program that revolves around corporate social responsibility. This year, we decided to shed a light on how this could be seen in the Philippine clothing industry, so it seemed fitting to hold some talks featuring prominent figures in this field, as well as a fashion show to exhibit the collections of local brands that advocated sustainability. I was really interested in the concept when I first heard of it, and initially wanted to go as a mere audience member - little did I know that I would be tapped by the committee to model! To this day, I don’t know how or why I was chosen: from what I know, there were even screenings held a week prior to the event to determine who would get to walk the runway. But, I was messaged three days before and in that short span of time, I had to fit clothes, find pieces in my closet to match them and perfect my walk (which took several tries on my part, given the fact that when shy, I’m stiff as a board).

Agreeing to join was a huge step out of my comfort zone - the closest I’ve ever come to strutting on a catwalk was back when family members would ask me to “walk like a fashion model” as a kid during reunions. So, the fact that it had all paid off in the end, and that I was even complimented for the way I looked and performed beyond what was probably expected, was definitely a huge confidence boost for me. I couldn’t have done it without Nelly, Daloy’s project head who patiently guided me through the entire process before the show.

Shoutout as well to the other ACTM upperclassmen who were so friendly to me this school year. We may not have any pictures together, but you deserve a spot on this post nevertheless: Gella, my "boss" (hehe) who was always so patient when I asked questions and even went out of her way to say such kind words about my writing; Sam Que who made me feel like we had already known each other for so long even if we had just talked for the first time, and Ysagab who constantly reassured me that I was doing a good job even if I was looking like such a rookie.

My presence in events wasn’t limited to those of ACTM, though. I also went to the Loyola Film Circle’s Under the Stars, where I was able to see the live performances of OPM acts and watch one of my favorite chick flicks beneath the beautiful night sky. Since it took place the day after Valentine’s, I was surrounded by Ateneans and their significant others (who didn’t hold back at all when it came to publicly displaying their affection), but I didn’t even mind since I was content in the company of both my college constants and high school friends.

I dropped by Sulyap as well, which was the culminating activity of the Ateneo Heights Writers Workshop and the launch of the chapbook of their fellows. It was one of the busiest Fridays of the school year, but I still made it a point to go, because I wasn’t about to pass up the opportunity to be a part of something organized by my dream org, Ateneo’s premier literary publication. As much as I love my course and the people in it, I have to admit that I haven’t been able to exercise much of my creative side. So being in a room full of like-minded individuals and hearing them speak lengthily about their works and the process that brought them to life was a refreshing experience, a much-needed break from the usual routine. My personal favorite was Unica Hijas by Mikaela Regis, which revolved around a lesbian couple trying to make their relationship work despite the fact that they study in a conservative, all-girls high school - a setting which is all too familliar to me.

It’s also worth noting that I was sorta able to tick a particular item off my freshman year bucket list. And I say sorta, because… well, you’ll see. It’s been a dream of mine ever since to watch a UAAP basketball game live, show up to the arena in a bright blue shirt, cheer as loud as I can when a player makes a point and raise my fist in the air while Song for Mary plays in the background. But, even if I’m consistently in school by 6am, I was never able to get tickets - I couldn’t match the efforts of some fans, who would camp overnight just to get their hands on them. But, just when I thought there was no more chance for me to show my school pride at a match, my friend Mika offered me a free ticket to the Ateneo Lady Eagles’ volleyball match against FEU at the Filoil Arena one Wednesday. We weren’t really on speaking terms before because we were from different cliques, but after bonding over K-Pop, I saw how nice and chill of a person she actually is. So, I didn’t want to turn her down even if I was hesitant to go at first. You see, I was never a fan - in fact, I didn’t know how the game went despite the PE lessons I had back in Grade 5. (Ms. Abella, if you see this, I’m sorry.) But, it didn’t take a lot of convincing for me to agree and I ended up enjoying way more than I thought I would. Fortunately, I was able to catch on when it came to the rules of the sport: the energy of the crowd was contagious as well, and the performance of the players was way too good it was impossible not to shout either out of triumph or frustration. Once we made it to the finals against UST, I even found myself waiting for announcements on where to buy tickets. I didn’t get any though, because they were either sold out due to the ever-increasing demand (ALE fans don’t play around) or there was a conflict in schedule (hi, Enlit play).

Despite this, I streamed the last game and screamed like I was actually in the venue myself. Apologies to all our neighbors, who probably thought someone was getting killed in the house beside theirs. I was so proud when they brought home the championship after three years, I even bought a Team Ateneo shirt (it’s not that hard to guess whose name is on the back) and went to the bonfire with my friends Gwen, Julia and Lou. I had hoped to meet and take a picture with the players, but they were already far too wasted when I arrived. Like, seriously. I saw Maddie Madayag chug a whole bottle of Mule right before my eyes.

So, you could say that it was all fun and games (quite literally) for me until hell weeks eventually rolled in. Plural form intended. I found out that all my professors were just holding back every major requirement until the very last stretch of the semester. Suddenly, my schedule was chock full of presentations and final papers, comprehensive exams and extra classes that put my time management and endurance to the test. I spent many days in Matteo Down just like before, but also started going to the floor above it in case I wanted to suffer in the company of more people. The studying would only continue once I got home: I’d pull all-nighters despite my brain’s and skin’s desperate cries for help, as manifested in my worsening acne. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that stressed in my life, and it’s scary to think that that’s only the tip of the iceberg in the Ateneo.

Coping mechanisms I’ve picked up to help me deal with these unavoidable circumstances would be trying every restaurant along the Katipunan area whenever I had free time (which I will elaborate on more extensively in another blog post, so do watch out for that!) and eventually discovering Pancake House’s corned beef hash, which I love so much I once had it thrice in the span of a week. Another one would be the addition of yet another emotional support K-Pop boy to my collection. After watching My ID is Gangnam Beauty over Holy Week break, I fell in love with Cha Eunwoo and his god-tier visuals, mild demeanor, impressive English skills and heartfelt determination. This led me to binge watching reality show episodes and furiously putting the entire discography of Astro on loop. If you look at my Last.fm, you could see how Crazy Sexy Cool easily climbed to the top of my most played songs, sitting prettily at the #1 spot with over 300 plays in just a little over two months.

Although I constantly had to bear the pressure and stress on my shoulders over the past academic year, I am eternally grateful to Ateneo for equipping me with lessons both within and beyond the realm of academics that have helped me grow into someone I never imagined, but am happy to have turned into anyway. When my naive and starry-eyed self first entered college, I had such high hopes for what my experience would be and proceeded to map out the next four years of my life in accordance with the vision I had in my head. Having just broken free from the metaphorical chains of my previous school, I found it to be the perfect time to transform into a student who excelled academically, had a long and winding list of extracurricular activities and easily built a vast network of connections thanks to her pleasing and magnetic personality. If I got lucky, maybe I’d have one of those so-called “college blooms” and even get myself an actual boyfriend!

This isn’t something unique to me, I bet a lot of people entered this new stage of their lives with the same mindset so I wasn’t the only one in shock upon realizing that it doesn’t always play out that way in real life. Because of these ridiculous expectations we have implanted in our heads, that basically state that we have to be successful in everything we do and fast, we subconsciously keep ourselves from enjoying the process. In our desire to aim high and aspire for perfection in all that we do, we could end up failing to acknowledge the small yet equally important wins we gain along the way: the friend we make outside of our block despite the sheer discomfort we experience in meeting new people, or the answer we gave in class that impressed our most intimidating professor could appear minuscule when placed beside our goal of being straight-A student who’s active in seven orgs. In addition, we deprive ourselves of the allowance to make mistakes, stray from taking the detours and breaks we need to remain functional human beings and often drive ourselves to the point of fatigue and burnout. And when we are still not flourishing and thriving as planned, we fall prey to toxic comparison: we pit ourselves against others who don’t have the same background or circumstances as we do and question why our progress doesn’t match with theirs.

This is obviously such a toxic way to go about things. Talk about sucking the fun out of what’s supposed to be the four most enjoyable years of our lives. Thankfully, over time, I did some growing up, if you will, and channeled the power of acceptance - both of what I am and what I am not, and the will of God (or whichever supreme being you've placed your faith in) who meticulously planned out what’s ahead of me before I was even old enough to know what school was. I now work to the best of my ability, confident that all I have to do is put in my share of the hard work and see where it takes me, and am also more gentle with myself when I make mistakes.

On a somewhat lighter note, I’ve also been able to form my own opinions about very controversial issues on campus: an example of which would be what I think is the best CR - the answer is definitely Arete. You can’t go wrong with its triple killer combo of aircon, bidet and strong WiFi connection. The only possible downside could be the fact that there are usually a lot of people, so it’s not the best option if you’re planning on being loud and… um, smelly. The secluded and fragrant Leong Hall and ever-reliable New Lib restrooms come in second and third place respectively, while honorable mentions include the 2F Kostka CR (but only from 6:00-7:00am, when no one else is around) and this one specific stall in the Socsci building that's spacious enough that I can bring all my belongings inside with me.

Another point for discussion would be the superior place to eat on school grounds: this might cause an uproar, I’m aware, but I still believe it’s JSEC, despite the stark price difference compared to other cafeterias on campus. I was set on trying something from every stall before the school year ended, but I was too fixated on my top picks: I don’t have any regrets though. In fact, I wish I had more of the beef salpicao with calamares on the side from Casa Paella, the Superbowl from Blendabowls and The Coop fries with garlic aioli served on the side. Besides the fact that the food served is satisfying beyond measure, I enjoy the chit-chats I have with the ates and kuyas manning the stalls, who never fail to ask me how I am and tell me about the cute chinito boys they see on campus that they think I might like.

Although I can’t completely rule out Gonzaga, because of this particular stall with quality liempo and a kuya who always gives me a five peso discount. (I’ve been told he does this with girls he finds cute, but I have yet to confirm that). Also, it’s the only place on campus that I know of that sells fresh fruits by the kilo - perfect for those days when I try to convince myself to go on a diet before I relapse and binge eat at Pancake House.

A lot of people do say that ISO sisig is worth the cross-campus walk it’ll take to get there (e-jeep rides are more recommended! An experience in itself! Especially if you’re seated in the back, where there’s a constant feeling of being sucked in a vacuum! But, I digress) - it might just be a matter of preference, but I think it’s overrated. A destination that deserves more attention is the Cervini Hall cafeteria just by the university dormitories. I’ve only been there a grand total of two times so I don’t exactly have any specific favorites on the menu that I recommend, but I’d definitely still go for the homey ambience.

As for superior study places, Matteo Down has been tried and tested several times: I do prefer getting a place opposite to the entrance though, because it does get distracting having to see people enter and go out the door so often. What was supposed to be a study session often ends up becoming a game to see how many people are wearing a striped shirt today. I usually spend time on the fourth floor of the Rizal Library, and get the couch as often as I can because of the comfort (and charger) it provides.

Of course, I wouldn’t have been able to power through this year without the help of my closest friends: Sevi, Gwen, Raya and Christine. I always had this nagging fear in the back of my head that I wouldn’t be able to find a tight-knit group once I got to college, but thank you for proving me wrong. Thank you for letting me be my true self, for entertaining even my most random thoughts and for accepting all the kalat that comes with being my friend. I sincerely hope that we stay together and have more Gino’s dates in the future along with Chloe!

To Gela, Jill, Shar (and Dom, but we don’t have any pictures together except for the last one HAHAHA) - I didn’t expect at all that I’d be writing about you guys. I was so intimidated by all of you at first, because I felt like we were so different in terms of our upbringing and environment. But after getting to know you, I came to realize that you are seriously some of the most down-to-earth, chill people ever. Thank you for always providing quality chismis, volunteering to find me chinito boys to date and giving me apps to make my IG stories look cuter.

To the rest of X1, we weren’t exactly the most united and we knew that - it’s just that we were probably the most diverse out of all the groups in our batch, and with that comes clashing personalities and differing opinions and interests. But, nevertheless, I am content with the time we managed to spend together, where I was able to get to know all of you!

To the friends that I made outside of my block (and even my course), thank you for laughing at my jokes and telling me that I'm fun to talk to. Hopefully, we get to hang out more and maybe even have common classes in the future hehe

To my Enlit section, we barely spoke to one another during the first semester so I fell under the impression that you were all stoic and no fun to be with. But, I was proven wrong eventually. I wish I was able to talk to more people in LL, but to the classmates I was closest to (Dootie, Cyrah, Czarina, She and Jessa), I will never forget our side comments and mini-rant sessions. I heard we’re having another English subject come sophomore year, and I really hope I end up with you guys again.

All in all, there is no other word that could sum up the experience that was my freshman year in college better than “adventure”. It was every single emotion on the spectrum All At Once, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world - in fact, during the first half of the semester, I admit that I’d entertain thoughts of alternate universes where I’d be an Iska/Lasallista/Tomasino out of sheer curiosity, but now I just can’t imagine myself anywhere else. Anyway, enough with all that drama. I’m going back to school in three weeks to start my summer term, which we fondly (lmao) refer to as intersession. So, there’s technically nothing to miss.

Hope the rest of you enjoy the summer break that I unfortunately will not be able to experience until I graduate from college! Wishing you nothing but love and light, always.

Angel

[v-le]

Kmusic: My artists in 4 months

Foreword: PHEW this one took a while.... but I have really had so much on my mind lately that i knew i just HAD to churn this one out asap... I also would’ve tried to include videos rather than images but it’s a pain in the butt... I guess my vids will be top secret for now hehe. But really. a true blessing, these 4 months. Ah, I still really cant believe it..

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If you were to ask me how I felt about my first semester at Yonsei and simply the past 4 months in Korea, from August 21st to December 23rd, I would probably just emphasize how grateful I am. But to narrow down this deep affection for all the happenings, I would have to do so in a music context. It is such a fascinating and seemingly mundane thing to go on about: Why does my music mean what it means to me to this day? How have those values shaped my experiences in Korea so far? What does it mean for me going forward? These are questions I want to ask myself, reflect upon, and continue to explore as I await to begin another journey in Korea once again.

If I rewind to when I first started listening to Korean music, it would be when I was… I don’t even know. I was exposed to it since I was about 7 or 8 years old, when my sister was sucked into the very beginnings of OG K-pop: Wonder Girls, Big Bang, 2NE1, Super Junior, SNSD, SHINee, you name ‘em all. I’ve talked about this a lot, but during those days I was never particularly interested in that side of music. It didn’t make much sense to me and it just sounded mreh. But after several years of this exposure, I fell into my own K-pop obsession-hole starting with LEDApple, a very unassuming, catchy-music-making band. I was in it for the music. At first.

Okay, now fast forward past my kpop era: you can read all about it in my very extensive post from about a year ago here. But yes, lets leave that chunk of my life behind and think about where I stand from a “music maturation” perspective. Right here. Right now.

I cannot pinpoint the exact moment or day or time in which I fell into the “deeper” side of Korean music. I am pretty certain that it simply occurred naturally, gradually. What I know for a fact is that I owe so much of myself to my music. At any given point in my life thus far, my music has defined a large portion of my identity: it really does mean a lot to me. I am constantly listening to music. To narrow this down into my current self’s context, my music mostly consists of Roy Kim, Sam Kim, DAY6, Kim Feel, Fromm, Jung Sewoon, Eddy Kim, Kwon Jin Ah, and many many many others.

These artists, the music that they make, is not K-pop. It never will be. I don’t care what those stupid Spotify playlists call some of the songs from these musicians, but they are not and never will be K-pop. (At most DAY6 could come closest to fitting). My discovery of each and every one of these artists varies from person to person of course, but most of my sentiments remain the same all throughout. I would give my everything for these people. But I want to make it very very very clear: it is not necessarily these PEOPLE, these faces, these appearances, these artists themselves that I am oh-so enthusiastic about. It is their voice & music. That is honestly all it really comes down to at the end of day. It is and has always been about the music.

I owe my deep appreciation for my music to several various factors ranging from emotionally & mentally detached parents & family, my somewhat introverted personality, and my incessantly over-analytical mindset. However, what exactly constitutes this deep appreciation is what I want to explore. A certain fact is that I hated high school. As I grew up through the ages of 13 to 17, I completely despised the American public education system that was high school. Without getting into the complex details about my community that was the heart of Silicon Valley and the various cultural pushes, I just have to say that high school felt like a sort of mental torture for me.

And during all those times, when I needed it the most, when I felt so completely lost, when I felt like no one would listen to me, nothing could console my distressed heart and mind, I always fell back to many of those artists listed above. Particularly to Roy and Sam. I owe them SO MUCH. They literally changed my life.

Home. 영원한 건 없지만. Your Song. These three songs, my life songs. Their lyrics literally saved my life. They mean everything to me. Without these songs from Roy & Sam, I would not be where I am today.

All my artists that I mentioned make their own music. They write, compose, produce, everything. They are the true masters of their voices (see, not K-pop). And so, when I listen to them, when I absorb their voices & melodies, I can sometimes really feel their sincerity, their yearning. I am so thankful for what they have produced for this world and for my ears to hear. However, within the past 4 months, I got to see, know, understand, and FEEL these artists on a whole new level.

In chronological order, here is a list of the artists I saw live &/or in person during my time in Korea thus far:

08/31 Roy Kim & Son Seungyeon @ Picnic Concert

09/01 Monogram, Baek Yerin, Kwak Jineon, Paul Kim, Bol4, Crush, Urban Zakapa @ Someday Festival (Day 1)

09/02 Fromm, Jo Hyunah, Jung Sewoon, Roy Kim, Yong Junhyung & Yang Yoseob, K. Will @ Someday Festival (Day 2)

09/08 DAY6 @ You Made My Day Fanmeeting

09/20 Roy Kim @ SNU Fall Festival

11/02 Roy Kim & Kim Haon @ Daellim Univ. Halloween Festival

11/04 Nam Woohyun (& Jang Dongwoo, Kim Sunggyu, Lee Sungyeol) @ 식목일 (Day 3)

11/10 Fromm @ Seoul Music Forum Mini Concert & Free Fansigning

11/11 Eddy Kim @ Miles Apart Album Fansigning

11/22 Sam Kim @ "Sun And Moon" 1st Album Release Showcase

12/01 Sam Kim @ "Sun And Moon" 1st Album Fansigning

12/09 Fromm @ "Midnight Candy" Mini Album Release Concert

12/16 Roy Kim @ ROchestra Live Tour 2018 (Seoul Day 2)

12/21 Sam Kim @ Lotte Tower World Park Christmas Busking

12/22 DAY6 @ "The Present" Christmas Special Concert (Day 1)

Breakdown:

Free: 5 events

Paid Tix: 6 events

Album Purchase & Application: 4 events

🌹 Roy Kim: 5 times

🌚 Sam Kim: 3 times

🌓 Fromm: 3 times

🎸 DAY6: 2 times

As an avid fan of many of these artists for YEARS, like Infinite for 8 years, Roy for 5, Sam since his debut in Apr. 2016, DAY6 since their debut in Sept. 2015, Fromm for over 4 years, Eddy for over 5 years, etc etc. I NEVER thought I would actually get to see or hear these people live. Okay, granted I saw DAY6 live back in Oct. 2017 as well as Sam & the entire Antenna fam in Sept. 2017, both in LA. But doing 3 fansignings????? Meeting and talking with Fromm, Eddy Kim, AND Sam Kim???? Seeing Roy FIVE TIMES??????????? Three times for FREE, once at a festival, and then even being able to go his end-of-the-year solo concert???????? Y’all…. It was literally a dream come true. A stroke of luck tenfold. Twelvefold. I saw at least one treasured artist a total of fifteen times. Whether it was at a college busking event, the Someday music festival, a fansigning, a fanmeeting, or even a solo concert. I was somehow there.

Seeing Roy live was something I thought I would never ever ever in my lifetime get to do. As I explained in my 1st semester wrap-up post found here, Roy’s situation with school made my hopes seem very bleak from the get-go. But still, my luck persisted 5 times throughout. I almost, nearly, COMPLETELY failed to acquire a ticket for his ROchestra solo concert, Seoul Day 2 show. It was probably the most energy-draining, stressful, painful and TERRIBLE ticketing experience I have ever experienced. And trust me, I’ve done lots of ticketing before (unfortunately). But after 1 hour of staying glued to that PC bang computer screen, I managed. And I went. And maybe I’ll have to do a separate post for it, but Roy Kim’s concert on December 16th, 2018, was the best concert I have ever been to in my life. Easily. It was so breath-taking.

But yes, enough with Roy. Fromm is my ultimate indie goddess and she has a charm that is so indescribably perfect. She decided to release a mini album over a year since her last one, in the middle of November while I was there and I wanted to DIE. It was suchhhhh a solid release, and I even got to attend a free fansigning with her as well for her solo concert for the album release. I LOVE her cheeky personality so much. And she really is just sooooo kind. I couldn’t have much of a conversation with her due to the time constraint, but I at least got to snap a quick selfie heh (which i wont exposed bc privacy ya feel??). Her solo concert was gorgeous in every single way; I honestly would be willing to pay any price to go to it again in a heartbeat. Even though it was for her “Midnight Candy” album release, it was basically a Fromm discography concert because she sang EVERYTHING and I was THIS close to wanting to cry because I just felt so grateful & happy in those moments. I love her I really do. Ah, also, 2 out of the 3 times I saw her, I wrote to her & posted on Instagram and she liked both posts for me :”).

Sam…. My luck with Sam was out of this world honestly…. I still get goosebumps thinking about how blessed I was to see Sam 3 times, 2 times in very special instances. First off. He announced the release of his FIRST FULL album after a TWO YEAR & A HALF HIATUS. Y’all. This boy hadn’t released anything for 2.5 entire years since his debut and then suddenly WHAM he does it. Somehow right when I was in Korea. AH… I still….. I’m still screaming inside. I screamed aloud in my room for a good 5 minutes straight when I first saw the news, and yes, to this day I am still screaming. His three pre-release tracks were GORGEOUS & Sun And Moon, track 1, literally brought me to tears without even trying. I had been missing his voice and presence for so long…

And then, for the full album release, Antenna announced a post in which if you pre-order his album when it comes out & email the Antenna staff with the receipt showing proof, you will be put in a drawing to attend his live showcase on the night of its release. OHMYGOSH. I knew I had to do it. I struggled a little bit & even felt like I was doing everything so untimely, but I am SO blessed that I really was able to order & pay for it, shoot Antenna an email real quick, and then nervously await my results for like a week. That one Friday the results were to be emailed out, I remembering feeling extremely anxious all throughout the day. I desperately wanted to go…. And at 6:00PM…. I got the email!!!!! I was literally shaking, hands & knees trembling and everything. I actually got invited to the ‘Sun And Moon’ 1st Album Showcase!!! Y’all!!! It was so amazing. It was the night before I had to leave to Taiwan early in the morning so it was quite stressful, but still!!!!! I felt so honored to be there that night: the venue was extremely intimate and Sam was soooososoooo gooooddd and the tracks he sang were sooo beautiful and just… everything about it was like a dream. I was truly blessed.

A week later…. Antenna announced Sam’s first FANSIGNING & once again I was overwhelmed with this “OMG I WANT TO GO, but how, should I really, but what about….??”. It was a physical album-purchase-based application process which means I had to go to this specific bookstore in Gangnam, buy x-amount of albums, and based on that amount, my name will be put into a drawing that many times. Very basic fansigning grounds. I already pre-ordered his album for the showcase, so I honestly didn’t really need another one… but I decided to test my luck & just purchase 1 measly album & see if that ONE album will help me get chosen. And o boy. I GOT IN :”)). When I saw my name on that list in the official fancafe post, I couldn’t believe it….

On the day of the fansigning which was happening inside a mall, starting at a certain time I was able to walk in and choose a random number from 1-100 and since I arrived early, I got to choose pretty early as well. When I saw my number I literally gasped aloud: #7. I know it’s a corny & cliché favorite number but only bc infinite ok. Being #7 meant that I literally say FRONT & CENTER of the stage…not even stage. There wasn’t a stage... it was just an open area. My turn came around very quickly because I was early and let’s just say I was a fking mess, repeating thank you over and over & literally, incessantly telling him how thankful I am for his music and how grateful that after all that time he took to came back, he came right when I was in Korea and how I was at Antenna in LA & his showcase too and thank you thank you, yadda yadda. Yeah…..I suck at these things I really do. Then, at the end of it all, he took a picture with the crowd of fans and ended up sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME LMAOOOOOOO. Okay here is a picture of maybe my biggest life accomplishment??? jk but no rly LOL.

look ma, i made it :”)

But really, the fact that I actually got to talk to Sam & just try to relay all my thanks that I have been owing to him for many years… wow… I’m still in shock and I am just so eternally thankful. I used to think to myself “damn, I wish I could talk to Sam one day” and damn…. I really did do it…

Eddy Kim was also another meeting that I could have only dreamed of before coming to Korea… His last release was 4 goddamn years ago oh my gosh… This fansign application was not a random drawing like Sam’s but just a “buy his album at this bookstore & u get in” sort of thing. To be honest I could blatantly tell that Eddy’s popularity is definitely not as comparable to the other artists that I cherish & I was quite shocked by this revelation. I knew for sure in America, who the hell would ever know him. But even in Korea, he seemed… just really not that well-known, especially from a music perspective. It was interesting and even a little disheartening to see. He was very kind & cutely impressed with my Korean skills and we literally just talked in a bunch of Konglish & once again I just kept repeating how thankful I was for his music in my life. How I waited for so long and his release literally matched up with my time there as well. Even though I never got to hear Eddy sing live, I am more than happy with the fact that I simply got to chat with him & relay my heart as best as possible.

After doing 3 full fansignings I have fully realized that as grateful for the opportunities I am, they are so difficult and stressful… To be given such a short amount of time to spill out my heart is essentially impossible for me LOL. I’d rather much LOVE to just to sit down with these artists not to fangirl or cry, but to have a real, genuine conversation about their music and why it holds so much sentiment for me. I would love to ask questions about their music and I would love to share with them how much it means me & why I am so thankful at the end of the day. That’s what I really wish I could do. Because even as I hurriedly expressed my countless thanks and probably sounded like a hot mess, I feel like I still just came off as a surface-level fan saying their thanks. But noo! In reality, I just wanted to relay how much their music means to me (I literally just typed this wow repetition is gr8). Which I feel like I really couldn’t do properly… I couldn’t get my heart across all the way ☹ but it’s okay because as I’ve been repeating, I am infinitely thankful nonetheless.

My first DAY6 event, their 3rd year anniversary 1st fanmeeting, was a bit of a flop for me simply because they talked wayyyyy to much & played stupid games & everything… and it was cute, but not what I was there for. I kinda wished I heard more of them singing, but it’s okay. In no way am I undermining this monumental day because I know it meant a lot to the boys & fans collectively. Jae could not participate due to health reasons & it definitely put a huge damper on the entire atmosphere, but the members tried their best and the entire audience even consistently sang aloud all of Jae’s parts during the songs when his voice was not there. They also sang a never-before-released track with Jae and they all just cried a bunch and me, sitting there, watching those light-wrist-band-thingies glow & beam & shine in-sync with the music, all sorts of colors, in a massive wave of lights & fanchants & music sewn together… wow it was honestly stunning & one of the most awesome spectacles I’ve ever experienced. Korean fans are really something else….

Speaking of which, attending 15 events during my 4 months there taught me many things about Korean concerts & fans that I find so extremely fascinating.

For most concerts, whether they are super hype-y & K-pop-y or a ballad one with minimal need for movement, when there are seats, fans with stay seated for the most part. In America, I feel like all fans tend to automatically stand (for basically all K-pop acts) regardless of the seating. But in Korea, at my experiences with DAY6 in particular (I also have heard that BTS in Seoul was the same), fans stayed sitting basically all throughout. The most like bodily movements they require would be the waving of their lightsticks. It was honestly pretty refreshing to see a generally calm & collected audience, at least where there was seating.

The fanchants are out of this world !!!!! Especially for the 2 times I saw DAY6, the fans were so on point with their fanchants: they were loud and clear and crisp AND THEY MATCHED WITH THE LIGHTS ON THEIR WRISTBANDS AND EVERYTHING wow was that so cool to see… The fans are super in unison & it honestly adds such a new level of energy to the experience.

SINGING !! Of course, since all these fans are Korean, they can actually sing all of these songs at concerts, unparalleled to international fans lol. One really cool moment at DAY6 that I will probably remember forever simply because this song is gorgeous & means a lot to me… but at day 1 of DAY6’s ‘The Present’ xmas concert series, Wonpil said “We’ve been on world tour for a while now and I’ve been wanting to try this out… if I play this song, can you sing for me?” and of course we all unconditionally said yes. And he started to play 그렇더라고요 on the keyboard & the ENTIRE AUDIENCE caught on immediately & we all sang the entire intro & first verse together in unison, as loud as we could, as the members joined in one by one w/ their own instruments, just watching us as we SANG FOR THEM. It was so cute & we even did it again with 장난 아닌데. This sort of stuff…. Wow…. Can only really happen at a domestic concert, which was honestly so so so beautiful. I LOVED IT!!!

No crazy, constant screaming during every part of the performance. Fans in Korea honestly only scream when necessary… ya feel? Sometimes at concerts, I feel like fans are just screaming at the top of the lungs the entire time, during every second of a song. But Korean fans chant when there is a chant, and cheer & scream when it really fits the situation. I really liked this more toned-down atmosphere from the Korean audiences.

I think that’s all I can really narrow down from my various experiences at Korean concerts compared to the ones in America… It really is quite different though, and I feel so honored to have witnessed this comparison countless times. I am really just honored to be there at those moments in general.

Which brings back around to this… upgraded level of connection towards my artists. After seeing so many of them in person and more than once for that matter, when listening to their music now… something definitely sounds different. When I listened to these artists before I saw them right in front of my eyes, their real, authentic voices blasting into my ears, I still felt moved, I still felt goosebumps, choked up, a bulging affection sometimes. And not that I have lost those feelings, no, definitely not. Now… now, when I listen to these artists through my earbuds or through my laptop… I can literally hear them in my ear. Does that even make sense? Well, duh… of course I can hear them. But like… it’s like… I can hear them on a much more intimate level than ever before. Now, I can really imagine & sense these voices in my head. I can pick up the sound of their breaths, picture their expressions, and really just HEAR their voices as if they were physically singing into my ear right there in that moment, in person. It’s such a peculiar and special and unique feeling that is honestly so hard to describe with just words…

But to be honest like… to this day I still cannot wrap my head around everything. I can barely count and keep track of all the artists I saw and when I saw them and what they sang. I feel like SO MUCH happened that my mind can barely grasp it all, as much as it wants to do so so badly… I still can barely comprehend it… years ago I would cry to Sam Kim, ponder how amazing he would be live… and then literally somehow, he sang two songs like 7 feet in front of me, and even sat right next to me. I thought Fromm was a goddess from another world: but I somehow got to talk to her & even take a selfie?? What?? I thought the world would never let me see Roy who always has his school life to manage as well…. But I got to see him live 5 times?? And even go to his solo concert?? WHAT??????? HOW????????? YOU GUYS, I could honestly go on and on and on because it still all feels like a dream…

In particular with Roy Kim… I say this to myself all the time, the irony is just… wow. Who would’ve known that after years of watching countless fancams, effortlessly memorizing his scarce yet existent fanchants, also memorizing set-lists without even trying, becoming all-too-familiar with things like the way he talks, addresses the crowd, sings specific songs, even all the way down to the way he does adlibs for certain songs… I unknowingly picked up & knew these performance aspects SO WELL through pure admiration, enthusiasm and just LOVE for every song he sings. And who would’ve known, that years later, I would have my very own fancams to cry over. After years of literally watching almost EVERY fancam of him on youtube, at all the various events he performed at, some years more frequently than others, today I can proudly say that I have my very own fancams of him, too. Ohmygosh, it’s still so hard for me to believe…

It really just….. *breathes deeply & tries to recollect self for the 24980164th time*…. It just goes to show… No, okay I don’t really know what it goes to show… But one thing is a fact: loving, cherishing, being thankful for, dedicating so much of my emotional & mental strength towards these seemingly-no-one artists has paid off tenfold. No, billionfold. I don’t even know. I just…. I just never thought I could do and see and hear and experience the things that I did. Never. These people…. These people have given me so much, and although I tucked them deep into the folds of my heart for years, I never thought I could truly open up these treasured feelings one day & TRULY support them with my very own eyes & ears & heart. IN person. I am just so so so blessed. So thankful. Really. Always.

Now, it’s time to bring myself to reality & to think about what this means for me going forward. I don’t want to believe in my passion for my music as a phase: Infinite & all things K-pop wasn’t simply a phase for me. It literally was a maturation, a self-realization, a loss of support for the things I never really knew or understood until time started to pass. I don’t think I grew out of K-pop. I think I simply grew with K-pop & got to understand more about it. And with that understanding came a change of heart. Which is literally the title of my post from years ago: “why I fell out of love with K-pop”. It’s not just “Oh, I am older now. So, I don’t want to like this seemingly childish stuff”. No, it was never about K-pop’s image or whatever. I can’t emphasize more, but it always comes down to the music for me.

Infinite has been and is a piece of my life that I will never forget. A piece of my life that has literally brought me to where I am today. I sit here, with my experiences and knowledge and feelings, in part, due to Infinite. I can guarantee anyone that much. And so, no, they really weren’t just a phase. Things change, people grow older, time flows. That’s just how it works. Does my heart ache over old K-pop like every day? Hell yeah it does LOL. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I can only thank old & 2nd-gen K-pop for the amazing memories that it has given me.

And so, with my music and my artists today, is this all a phase? Will I stop being as enthusiastic years later, like I did with Infinite? You see, with Infinite, I was always apprehensive. At the age of 12, I KNEW that time would eventually take its toll & my blatant love would not necessarily transcend the years that will drag on in the future. But that never made my appreciation for them dim: it only grew stronger as the days went by. I think I am always apprehensive. I think I always fear losing the feelings that I feel with great passion & love at this moment in time. Just as Roy says, 영원한 건 없지만. Nothing lasts forever (but...). I literally think about this all the time. It is such an important concept to me, and it is how I motivate myself to be thankful for everything and everyone and to just take things one step at a time. And so, to really answer my question: is this all just a phase?

I really, honestly, hope… No, I just think not. I really do not think so. At the age of say, 24, five years from now, will I still be loving Roy & Sam & DAY6 & Fromm & everyone else? I really honestly hope so. For as long as they can make music, I can keep loving them, right? Just as Infinite has done since I was 11, 8 years ago, up until today, I firmly believe that my artists can continue this long-lasting impression on my life. They instill a sort of magic & sentiment in my life that almost nothing else in this world can do for me. And for that, I will stay grateful for & only hope for the best.

Roy is currently back in school right now, finishing up his last semester before he finally gets to graduate! I am excited and proud and a bit sad all at the same time. But honestly, it really just comes down to the humanness of these people. When I first saw Infinite back in 2013 as a lil 14 year-old, I guess you could say I was starstruck. I was like “that’s them??!?? Those dudes ive spent countless hours watching through the computer screen?????? THEY ARE RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME?”. I had similar thoughts at the LA K-pop Festival in Apr. 2014 when I saw many many many of the big, og k-pop groups at that time. It was hard to believe that these people are real. I would say that my experience with the “With Antenna” in LA concert back in Sept. 2017 made me come to this important realization. That was the first concert where I actually spent the entire time sitting down and just listening. Listening to these wonderful musicians playing their instruments & singing gorgeous songs & just absorbing all that godly magic in the air at that place in time.

I really got to feel how human artists are at the end of the day. K-pop is always built up to be this larger-than-life dynamic, but real artists… No, they’re so much more different. They are simply people, like you and me, with a passion for their music & they wish to share that passion with the rest of the world. That’s it. The sincerity & genuineness that goes into my artists’ music can literally be felt from all the way across the world, just through a few audio snippets, fancams, and grainy Instagram videos. And that is seriously so beautiful. They are so amazing at what they do, they truly are.

Roy’s last two songs from 2018 were purely love song ballads, and I am not complaining or anything. As solid and classic as these tracks were, I still miss that acoustic, healing tone from him. Before he left for school again, he mentioned several times that he wants to come back with music that will console listeners. I was honestly so genuinely happy to hear this. He knows, he honestly, really does. He has even said it before, but he knows that his music can literally lift people back up from the dead. He wants to do that for them. For you and me, who struggle in life when the going gets rough, he wants to be of some sort of help, no matter how minuscule. He knows, he really does. And that is just so beautiful. I am so proud of him & I can’t wait to see what he will have in store for us in the coming months (after his grad, that is).

To all my artists that made these 4 months feel like a literal dream: Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. Sincerely. Thank you. Always.

늘 고마워요.

[aubreyishername]

Journey on becoming an Educator (Chapter 1-First Year)

I keep on saying the reason why I chose to be a future educator especially to kids. Last year, if I am not mistaken during this days like this I am suffering from my wisdom tooth while my other schoolmates are practicing for our graduation. I am 100% confident that I will take Marketing as my program in college that’s why I do not bother anything about the future and end up did not getting my diploma on the day of graduation, I did not go during graduation day. 

Everything was a “STOP OVERTHINKING AND JUST DO IT” experience. The day I decided to take this program was the same date when my previous school called me for an interview as STA or working student. I keep on laughing after I got enrolled but I am worried inside. What if people will judge me? What if I will not have the chance to be with other students or batchmates because I am the only one enrolled in this program!!! But believe it or not dear, everything are just my imagination and nothing came true except for my major subject ofcourse. People are friendly, I gained friends even during first day of class, I am still shy to mingle with other teachers and staff but they are approachable and happy person. This school year was tough also. I cannot deny that I experienced conflict and challenges but indeed all things shall pass.. sad to say, all things also come to an end. I experienced to gain and lose some friends and a person that is really close to my heart but again, GOD NEVER LEAVE ME NOR FORSAKE ME. There are times when I just want to stay whole day in my bed, anxious about the exams because I haven’t study anything and even stock knowledge cannot help me- but my friends are there. They motivate me to keep moving forward and emotionally supported me. I made bad decisions but I humbly accepted those mistakes and thank God for touching their hearts and forgive me. I am not perfect, I made mistakes, I am also demotivated sometimes. But my future students, the future generation and my teachers who became my adviser or life coaches also the “senpais”who became my friend who listens to my rants and share their experiences as a student and as a person. “laban lang talaga”. THANK YOU SA INYONG LAHAT FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALWAYS

The “pagbabalik”of this account of mine will not be possible without my EDUC102 professor who really wants us to post our insights about the topics that are discussed every TUESDAY AND FRIDAY 2:30-4:00 AT THE LIBRARY *laughs* She reminds us of our blogs every topic but nobody updates our blog from time to time hahhaha I don’t know with my other classmates but we just pass those which are for exams, assignment or final project. To my beautiful and very understanding teacher, I am so sorry for not updating from time to time and if this blog is not a summary of all the topics discussed for the whole semester. I will not promise but I will do my best to make blogs about it. I have a list of the topics and all the PPT of my classmates, you know meee HAHAHA I really take notes XD. I wish you good health, good luck for your doctoral!! you are indeed an inspiration of a passionate teacher, thank you so much for sharing to us your life experiences letting us know you as a person and not just a teacher. 

This course is really fun but full of knowledge that as a future educators not just in our community but also worldwide. We will surely never forget the moments we share together. Starting from introducing of self and now we’re here! The school year ends but the memories will always be in our heart. Thank you for patiently reading this post, congratulations! you finished reading the first part of this journey of mine as a future educator. I have more blogs to post, but I will go to sleep now~` I hope you are having a good day! Stay AWESOME! GOD BLESS 

[aquarianlights]

Oh my lord, you guys. Just. WOW. This has been one whirlwind of a summer semester and then right into fall semester.

The amount of things I’ve had to do over the past 2 weeks alone are just...astounding. And I’ve managed to get everything done. . .with torn muscles in my back, THANKS to my wonderful roommates help!

Yeah, so, the reason I really haven’t been active is because I have been...literally too busy to even fucking breathe. The amount of work that goes into premed school is... wow. I love it! But...wow. I can’t IMAGINE what med school is gonna be like, but it’s exciting to think about!

I tore muscles in my back last Thursday (so my PCP thinks; if they don’t heal by the time these steroid packs/muscle relaxers are done, then we’re going to check into seeing if one+ of my slipped discs burst) and to have 5 slipped discs in my spine (4 of those in my lumbar) and to also have fibro pain making it worse... AND THEN to have literally torn the muscles in my lumbar region on top of all of it?

Right on the weekend we are moving?

I cannot even, you guys.

If little, depressed me could see me now? I can’t believe what I am able to accomplish now. Hell, I only missed one days worth of classes (which is a lot, but still) despite all of this.

The amount of pain I have been in is through the fucking roof. I have had to get a MILLION things in order these first few weeks while juggling 6 classes. I had to drop 2 of them and attempt to switch into 2 fluff courses coz I could already tell I wouldn’t make straight A’s if I took that load. I wouldn’t even make 1 A, probably. Which is unlike me. So I did the smart thing and dropped the 2 nonessential classes, which leaves me with 2 classes left (1 miscellaneous science class + a lab) till I graduate. Tulane wants me to wait until their Fall semester to transfer so I have an extra semester here at this college that I didn’t think I would have. So that gives me time to graduate with those two classes next semester and add on any classes I didn’t make A’s in (I have 3 in my repertoire so far since I began my first year of college in 2010) to boost my GPA and then I’ll probably take a summer semester and try to take anything I’m still underwhelming in (1 or 2 courses, probably) and just boost my GPA more on top of things.

I have gotten into Honours Society and I’m supposed to be attending Phi Theta Kappa meetings all this semester because I didn’t make the cut this semester (the amount of fucking chaos...ugh), so I have been trying to draw up honours credit contracts with my current professors to see if I can make these honours credits, which will look incredible on my transcript.

I moved into my new apartment today and my roommates moved into their new house. We’re all very excited, but EXHAUSTED. Bless my fucking roommates. Those are true friends right there.

Since I tore muscles in my back and have been in such excruciating pain that I have been shrieking in pain and sobbing all the time, they did almost ALL of my packing for me (even though I really don’t have much now) and stayed up ALL NIGHT (literally) moving them into their place and then came to me as soon as I got my keys this morning and they got me moved in as well.

And whenever @wistfulwerewolf has actually slept and recuperated from being a total badass and staying awake forEVER to help me and them to get us all moved in, she’ll help me with getting my stuff physically in order a little bit since I can’t bend over or lift ...well, ANYTHING.

I cannot express how much they saved me. How much she saved me. Normally, I will admit, her optimism about life gets on my nerves. I hate optimistic people coz life just doesn’t work that way. But man. . .it really came in handy while literally EVERYTHING was going wrong every two seconds.

I don’t think I or her boyfriend would have made it without her.

Every time something went wrong, she was there to say “Don’t worry. We’ve got this. Everything will be okay.”

And when I say things went wrong...I mean... The U-Haul place fucked up, we had less time than we thought, we didn’t get my keys when we thought, there was miscommunication, my car battery died this morning when I was supposed to leave to go get my keys, I can’t even remember all the bullshit we went through these past few days. It was absolutely ridiculous. Not to mention a million things were going on in our personal lives.

But she just kept the morale up and kept everything good and made sure that every time I had a breakdown because the pain and stress was too much, she was right there. And, man, she can take a lot. Along with my mother, she’s the strongest person I know. I must’ve snapped at her a million times. I’m sure her boyfriend did, too. Tensions were incredibly high. But she never once let us down. And she just kept morale up and kept everyone together as a pack and made sure we were all okay. It was absolutely incredible and I have never been more proud of my best friend in my damn life. I wish there was a way to put it into words to tell her without sounding like a corny tsundere dork lol.

Coz I don’t think any of us would have made it through this if it were not for her. She held us all together. She was the glue. I know I would not have made it through all of this without her. There’s still a long way to go, though.

But. . . now I’m heading over to get my internet installed and then I’ll be getting a security system installed a week or so later.

I’m in such excruciating pain I can barely breathe. I feel like I have re-torn my muscles, but who fucking knows at this point.

I’m just drowning myself in these pills for until they run out because I just literally do not have time to deal with being in pain or taking extra time because I’m not able-bodied.

Like. . . I don’t know how the disabled community does it.

How do you function on weeks like this week where you have a million appointments and have to keep a schedule and have loads of schoolwork and are moving and have to get a ton of things done for the new semester and also have to take care of your health on top of everything otherwise you’ll be out of commission even LONGER and also stay on top of all these deadlines and make sure you’re budgeting and eating and hydrating and watching out for your friends and calling everyone back and family and I just....

:| :| :| Haha. I feel exhausted, but this is almost over and I hope to FUCK it’ll calm down after we are both all moved in and everything is set up. I’m estimating a week or two before everything calms down, though. Which sucks because I’m gonna be in excruciating pain the entire time and I won’t have any time to stop. I’ll just keep waking up, popping a million pills. . .and then hoping for the best as I go through the motions.

If ANYONE can send me positive vibes or inspiration throughout the weeks, I would appreciate it!

Transitioning to living alone when you’ve just had great fun with your roommates and friends moving is a lonely time. But it’s so worth it in the end. I hope. I’ll make it work somehow.

Gotta head back over to my new apartment and uh. . .well, start unpacking and getting things in order until the internet installation guy gets there. At least...unpacking what I can. I really can’t do much in this state. :| Yeesh!!

Love you all! I haven’t forgotten you! And yes, K, I see your messages...they’re keeping me going. Thank you so much for all of them. I love you. I hope you know that.

Bye for now!!

-KQR

[rhythmic-idealist]

A short while ago, when I was loudly narrating a barrage of “everything that’s making me upset right now,” @commanderfraya​ posed the question (paraphrased, here, from something like three separate questions in a set of about six) “what is the path I can set myself on that is going to be the thing that clears my Soul Gem, instead of just hypothetically caring about so much that I put out and work for an abstract idea of good and shrivel up into a Grief Seed?”

(@commanderfraya, I do not expect you to read this through. I do not expect ANYONE to read this through. It’s tagged to you as a thank-you, and a very, very heartfelt one.)

With that in mind, I’m thinking out loud about the life plan, and because I’m really, really excited about what I’m coming up with you all can come along with me.

(The place where this started, when I wrote that sentence, is not where it ended up. I want to reread this, connect all the little dots I’m missing or refusing to, and get that excited again.)

Cons of studying music therapy:

have to contend with potentially ableist professors and readings

with certainty, have to contend with some ableist professional relationships

the culture around studying music therapy (at least in my school, which was very “we’ll know if you’re one of us,” and there were other things too) is what burned me out so hard last time

I don’t want to be a classical music performer, and I have to study classical music performance

Pros of studying music therapy:

get to be a music therapist. The fact that this makes me as absolutely giddy as it does is conclusive proof imo that this is actually what I want to do, but wait, if that’s not proof enough that I love and feed off of music therapy as a passion, there’s more:

get the credibility to run a music therapy student podcast. I would be SO EXCITED about this guys, you cannot believe, I started sitting here and planning it out and then went “wait. shit. I have ZERO credibility.” (that’s why this post is happening.) and if I do the podcast NOW, the inevitable question of my involvement with music therapy will come up, and then the inevitable question of why I left after a semester, and I’m not prepared to answer that publicly yet. but listen. discussions with various disability advocates, or just friends, or professors, about recent papers published. interviews with local music therapists. interviews with musicians, too, and psychologists, and social workers, child development professionals, people who manage NICUs, and so on and so on. but I’m REALLY excited about 1) interviews with music therapists and 2) chances to broadcast, to the music therapy community at large, my take on current research.

I will have accommodations and a diagnosis on file. saying “I know I have some trouble with communication, and won’t know it’s an assignment unless you tell me ‘this is an assignment, and this is the due date,’ and that’s why I don’t have the thing you expected me to have this week” should really be enough, but I’ve learned from experience that if you say “I’m diagnosed with autism and-” people will IMMEDIATELY go “oh, so you need-” and repeat back what I just said.

The big, looming spectre over all of this:

things I can’t publish on Tumblr. There’s a possibility I will tangle very scarily with the administration of the school I studied at. There’s a possibility that doing this will impact my future career, at other schools.

So the pros win, genuinely, because I think all of the cons can be solved. The answer to the first two is “I love advocating for myself and others, and will be damn loud about it” and “I will have accommodations and a diagnosis on file.” 

The answer to the third is I will just have to pull through and make it my own education and my own take on everything anyway and that’ll be enough, and because I will have accommodations and I will be good at what I do, I will have the grades to get through and the quality of work for a letter of rec and that is all that matters, 

The answer to the fourth is that I’m growing more disciplined in classical practice, and this summer is my test run for that. It’s proving doable and rewarding. I love how my bass sounds on Bach chorales.

THE PLAN, then, and this is the part that’s just really good:

Finish my AA in music. I’m going into my second semester of that, and will, after it, have two more before I have a degree in music (with a focus on classical performance) and will transfer.

One major, major complaint was “in the meantime people are still being deported and homeless and suicidal and every other fucking thing I care about and I’m really going to be, with all that going on, with the time I could spend dedicated to fixing these problems, with the knowledge I could have been a social worker by next year if I started down that path already - I’m going to turn away from at least some opportunities to volunteer and to take to the streets to be a musician?”

So when I turn 21, I’m going to become a CASA volunteer.

This requires me to be really, really reliable and take a child’s life and future into my hands. The fortunate thing is that I know for a fact I can do this. I am putting in pointed and concerted effort to become a reliable person. It is hard work, and I am going to be able to keep doing it.

I have a job offer, part-time, for the preschool social-emotional-development-through-music program with which I’m currently interning.

Everything, literally everything, takes a backseat to:

the CASA job.

the college work - AA-central coursework first, and optionally ASL, because my mother is hard of hearing and losing her hearing progressively and it is that important.

the part-time job.

This is going to be fulfilling because protesting, other volunteerism, and political work is still going to be happening but in the backseat position it has been in, but the difference is that I will be doing a world of concrete good in my work and as a CASA volunteer. (The rest is what I’ve scrolled back up to add, because yeah, I cut this short.)

So then what? Then I study music therapy, which means I’ve moved away from home. What happens then?

The music therapy podcast. I organize it by myself, because I want to, though I frequently invite other students to collaborate on episodes.

Or I organize it with a friend, if I find a friend like Amy again. Not saying "Amy who” here for anonymity, but she has been my best friend for a long, long time.

Work. How am I working? Is music freelancing enough? Do I want to take a break before my transfer, and if so, how to I spend it meaningfully? Do I want to take a different route after all, study social work, spend TEN years doing that before I come back to music therapy? That could be good. I could love that. I would miss the music therapy podcast, and have to not think of social work as a transitional phase, to be committed to it, but there’s a balance between understanding that life can involve multiple careers and being committed to the current one.

It’s a job I would love, and a way I would love myself for the next ten years.

Every, every single thing I say is pointing me toward social work. It really, really is, and I could do it. The only thing I would regret is change. That’s - the feeling that I’m giving something up now, that I’ll never know what would have happened if I kept following the path I’m on.

Maybe I don’t need to know. Maybe I need not to, that’s why people change paths, ever, that’s why I’m not doing a million other paths that I’ll also never know because I’m not considering them. I just need to decide if the next ten years of music therapy are a loss.

The next fourteen years - four years for college. It’s a lot of college! I’m going to be doing that much anyway.

I’m.... not sure they are. I think that sticking to music therapy just because I’m here - that feels like a loss. I don’t think it gets me anything.

I think all roads lead to social work.

I think I could love the person I am as a social worker, be a good one, and I love kids, and I love human beings in general, I would be so, so happy, I swear to God.

It’s maybe the first time I’ve made a choice my mom will vehemently disagree with as the right one for me, in a way I will care about, and will feel as almost a strict mandate that it has to be another way, in my life.

I’m 20. That has to happen eventually.

I want to be a social worker. My throat is tight and my stomach is sick but it’s what I want to do, and those feelings are the anxiety I get and need to address eventually about being wrong about anything, about having been wrong and changing it, about the idea that I just need to act like I knew things already, all the time, or that I did, and I’m stupid for not doing them, and I’m conforming to expectations, and then I get sad about it instead of fixing it.

It’s an anxiety about having been wrong. I can’t twist this to assuage it.

So I just gotta not. And do it anyway.

Good thing I have therapy tomorrow.

There’s an unplanned digression from the plan. I’ve separated it out.

If I evaluate my position as a student once I turn 21, and I genuinely know I cannot commit the time to be a CASA volunteer responsibly, will my life still be fulfilling without it?

Yes. Working on it, but I think that the preschool program is that important.

Then again, I’m doing the preschool program right now (albeit unpaid), and right now is when I had the crisis of feeling like I’m not giving enough to the things that I actually care about, that I am shirking good I could and genuinely want to be doing, and would feel better for doing. 

(I feel- trapped, genuinely, when I am choosing or feel like I am choosing not to help something that I should care, and do care, enough to help- like why have I trapped myself in this position, there are lots of people who care more about being musicians than about being activists and I am not one of them, so why am I pretending to be, why when I both genuinely, viscerally hate the feeling of not helping and also other people hurt for the lack of me helping, there’s no good coming from this choice for even me emotionally and I am making it only because- what, it might do good for someone else, it’s a narrative I want to fill? that’s the conflict, and I’m getting off track/backtracking us a lot, but I should have filled you in on that earlier)

To the less Madoka-literate of you, and only those who don’t mind spoilers: this is where I take a brief digression to talk about the Soul Gem and Grief Seed metaphor. Soul Gems give you your power, and allow you to do good in the world, but you are required to do some things that are arguably selfish - the good you are doing has to be motivated by healing yourself, in that way that Phoebe Buffay hates, and we learn (in watching my favorite character try to refuse this) that this does NOT negate a good deed, and no amount of martyrdom or pushing yourself aside makes the deed itself any better - to keep your Soul Gem cleansed. 

If it goes for too long without being cleansed - if you try to do a lot of good, and refuse to take the rewards of it, or you expend too much energy doing the kind of good that comes without things that are rewarding for you - you turn into a Grief Seed. This is bad.

So that’s what I need to work out. Is this going to be good enough, if all I am doing is music and the part-time job.

When I am paid for the part-time job, I think it will feel better, and I will feel more comfortable making some of the grander, more permanent contributions to the curriculum that I’ve danced around for right now because I didn’t want to give away everything I want to do and then have my boss own it. She and I talked about rights today; I retain rights to activities and lesson plans that I create, even if she keeps using them when we part ways, and it won’t be interpreted as me stealing her program.

The PLAN, again.

My time is prioritized to school, teaching/work, and CASA.

I finish my AA in music performance.

I transfer to study music therapy.

I keep working part time, hopefully, while studying music therapy.

Fuck. That means I need to study at the college I left. I don’t know yet if that will be an option, once the thing I can’t publish here has gone down.

I should tell my boss I don’t know if I can make more than a one-and-a-half year commitment as a paid employee, because I might be leaving. Music therapy is an extremely uncommon major, and if I do not take it at exactly the school at which I took it, I will need to travel very far away.

Fuck.

Fuck indeed.

Okay. [Long, heavy sigh]. Okay.

I don’t want to get an undergraduate in music performance.

I don’t. I don’t it would burn me out that would be a thing that would turn me into a Grief Seed. I would hate it so much and I would feel useless and I do not enjoy putting myself on a stage for classical performance because I do not feel good about it, or like I am good enough at it, and I’m not interested in fixing that enough for another two years of school.

If I’m going to switch majors I need to do that now. I am not prepared to switch majors for a semester, change my mind, and come back to music. I don’t want to walk myself into a hole where it feels like the major I switch to is one I’m trapped to. I’ve done that to myself almost already.

If I switch majors, the likely candidates are:

Social Work.

_

Really social work’s the one. But, for argument’s sake:

Child Development.

Jazz. More on that below.

“More on that below:”

Or I could just stop. I could just stop, and study jazz, and work for the preschool program, and bring in money as a freelance musician for a while. I could just fucking stop and live for several years while doing this, and see if the finances are good enough that I can pour my soul into politics and activism and all the work I want to be doing. I’m okay with studying jazz without being in school. I’m good enough to be a freelance musician now, and with that and a part time job at the preschool I can sustain myself. Musician jobs, when you look in the right places, pay well. I would have time.

I don’t like that I know I’m ignoring something.

Thoughts right now, that aren’t as nice as they seemed when I started this post. I’ve worked some things out, so I refuse to say we’re back at square one. In fact, we’re not. I’m scrolling back up, editing, and making more lists.

[thereoncewereflwrs]

in where my body is an anthology, and literature knows more about people then we do

Today I feel ugly, my facial features angular and put together in a way that makes me feel like someone cut pieces of faces from a magazine and placed them together to create me. My clothes feel confining, probably because I haven’t worn regular clothes since lockdown and probably because I’m fat and most of my clothes fit this way anyway. Today I crave a discipline my body and mind cannot give, and this desire makes me melancholy and agitated. I keep thinking about this boy - or man, because he’s over 25 and at this stage even if we don’t feel like adults we are still deemed thus by society - who sent me a link to a tumblr page at 4 in the morning last night. I had been asleep, going to bed as early as 6 or 7 these days with little energy spent, but had woken up to the link and a casual text forewarning of nudity. The post, titled “why chloe moretz eating spaghetti from wooden boxes? why everyone lookin in the camera?? WHY SOME DUDE SUCKIN DICK???” (linked) had several comments below the picture (which showed exactly what was titled - Chloe Moretz eating spaghetti, several people in the room looking directly at the camera, and two dudes in the back, with their pants down, glimpsing over their shoulders at the camera while one of them received oral stimulation by another man). The comments all posed questions about the absurdity of this picture, revealing pieces of it to be false or photoshopped, and finally presenting the “legitimate” picture of the two men receiving blow jobs, that culminated in a scene with a large black bear walking casually by as they did. I’m confused by this, and if I’m honest, I’m also disturbed. It’s not that I’m without a sense of humor. Most of the time I believe my humor to be flexible and sarcastic, as long as it’s not offensive or insensitive. But like most of the absurdities of men, I’m confounded as to where the humor of such a post lies. Is it the homosexual blow job itself? Is it the actress consuming a meal in public? Or the fact that someone decided to photoshop such random components together in an attempt towards the casualness of such absurdity? Clearly there is something humorous about this, otherwise it wouldn’t have received such attention (241,846 notes on tumblr), and I’m left thinking that maybe I’m more ordinary and less obscene in my character after all. But beyond that, I wonder why this man decided to send me this at the time that he did. How did he come upon the link? And why, at a time when you can presume a stranger to be asleep, did he think of me and decide to send it? 

We had met only once before, and had been talking casually for the last couple of weeks. This mostly consisted of me listening to him talk about how tired, stressed and hopeless he was about the current state of his life and the world in general. It has not been an unusual connection; most of my intimate interactions with men have been like this - men needing to be heard and I playing the role of a vessel to be poured into. It’s only lately that I’ve found the act of “making space” rudimentarily extractive and imbalanced. And a lie to myself. There have been these small ways in which I’ve consented to this “extractive” practice, you see. Listening endlessly to men talk about their unloving fathers, their insecurities around mediocre sexual performance, their lack of careers or intelligence, any culmination of experiences that they deem traumatic, etc., This willingness towards extraction on my end has come about from a configuration of ideas I’ve put together in order to convince myself that this is the ultimate level of intimacy, and thus one I’ve been craving all along (to know what is not knowable to others, to know what hurts or is tender or needs healing). 

In other ways I’ve not consented to what’s been extracted - my body, my emotional entanglements, my intelligence, my victimhood that comes along with the rage of my own vulnerability. Tumblr-man is not different or far from this pattern of giving and taking, of capturing both the spaces available and the spaces I wish to be beyond grasp. I considered a series of actions to acknowledge the text he sent me, to reduce awkwardness and thus affirm that he was not wrong in sending me adult porn unsolicited or without evidence of past history of such behavior being acceptable. I considered creating further space through question and curiosity, to let him know that while I might not have appreciated it, nothing was off limits when he deemed it actionable. But as of now I can only muster enough energy to think about my own psychological patterns. My contract with this phenomenon (the “rudimentary extractive” one) makes me want to dig deeper into the superficial agreement of our relationship, to a place where I reach farther then surface level grief or joy. I want to hear, and have heard, deeper sensory, sensational information that at once makes me feel as much as the person is feeling by telling me something they’ve never considered uttering to a stranger before. I know this is just my own lack of experience around me. I am bored and perhaps numb from the lackluster stimuli that is at my disposal, and thus I want to find it in others - in men - so that it can replace my sense of unworthiness in myself with a false, brief sense of importance to someone else.  

I’ve lived in the South almost all my life. I’m more regionally Southern then most of my current peers, and yet, the culture of ‘Southern living’ did not meet me until I moved to rural Tennessee. Here we eat boiled peanuts (a practice I learned came from the dietary patterns of civil war soldiers) and biscuits with gravy and sometimes fried chicken. Here the tea is sweetened unbearably so, and moonshine is a thing, although never anywhere authentically anymore. More then anything my fat body despairs at these dietary rituals. I feel alienated from my own practices and find it hard to enjoy things. It’s really not that uncommon, however. As a millennial, feelings of alienation and displacement are common.

Tumblr-man (which previously I’d deemed LARPeg - since he both enjoys this strange phenomenon called live action role playing, and being pegged) tells me he is jealous of my ability to enjoy reading. He, in a bizarre series of events, is a Creative Writings major at an obscure liberal arts college in Asheville, NC (the same one, he informs me, that James Franco went to). He tells me that he really “likes the idea of dropping a big plot piece...” and that “writing a big, long, cheeky complaint with lots of pith is very attractive” to him. He recommends I read ‘Consider the Lobster’ by David Foster Wallace, and I do, mostly because I’ve read everything he’s sent my way thus far, and I wasn’t going to prove my own behavioral patterns wrong that day. He sends me memes about Dungeons and Dragons and LARPing that I assume I’m suppose to understand but I do not, although by his own admission, an immigrant like me is not meant to, and is hardly to blame for not understanding “cultural references.” I don’t get it, either LARPing or D&D, but I read both essay assignments he wrote for the semester around a fictional LARPing scenario. I do this because he’s a socialist, and half Venezuelan, and because I can’t help my own internal desire to show a man that I am fully engulfed in his own preferences and passions. I am not entirely foolish, I express my own passions and desires, and hardly authentically adopt theirs, but if he does not ask I do not say, because it’s always easier to listen and be seen listening, then to explain and feel the potential signs of disinterest and boredom. I am not boring. But men can be, and I do not wish to engage with bored men. Anyways, I read ‘Consider the Lobster’, the essay in the book titled the same, and it was, surprisingly, spectacular. How thrilling that something, anything, this particular man had suggested spoke to me in such a way. I preceded to read reviews and an excerpt from a New York Times article titled “How Should a Book Sound? And What About Footnotes?” in where DFW says “Most poetry is written to ride on the breath, and getting to hear the poet read it is kind of a revelation and makes the poetry more alive. But with certain literary narrative writers like me, we want the writing to sound like a brain voice, like the sound of the voice inside of the head, and the brain voice is faster, is absent any breath, and it holds together grammatically rather than sonically." I find this beyond interesting - it jolts me deep down where I safe keep my ideas around literature and its realities. I want to send it to Tumblr-man because it reminded me so specifically of what he had said right before recommending DFW: “I only recently have come to understand that the real sort of fingerprint of a writer can be where they place periods and commas. Because “She left, yesterday.” And “She left. Yesterday.” Sound similar if read aloud but read differently.” I wonder now if he, too, read this quote and had his sense of literature jolted in an inexplicable, but concrete way. 

I’ve once again picked up ‘Normal People’ by Sally Rooney. Thus far, my favorite lines are as follows (of the first U.S edition by Hogarth publishing group):

“This “what?” Question seems to him to contain so much: not just the forensic attentiveness to his silence that allows her to ask in the first place, but a desire for real communication, a sense that anything unsaid is an unwelcome interruption between them” (pg 26);

“One night the library started closing just as he reached the passage in Emma when it seems like Mr. Knightley is going to marry Harriet, and he had to close the book and walk home in a state of strange emotional agitation. He’s amused at himself, getting wrapped up in the drama of novels like that. It feels intellectually unserious to concern himself with fictional people marrying one another. But there it is: literature moves him. One of his professors calls it “the pleasure of being touched by great art.” In those words it almost sounds sexual. And in a way, the feeling provoked in Connell when Mr. Knightley kisses Emma’s hand is not completely asexual, though its relation to sexuality is indirect. It suggests to Connell that the same imagination he uses as a reader is necessary to understand real people also, and to be intimate with them” (pg 72);

“Connell paused and took another drag on his cigarette. This was probably the most horrifying thing Eric could have said to him, not because it ended his life, but because it didn’t. He knew then that the secret for which he had sacrificed his own happiness and the happiness of another person had been trivial all along, and worthless” (pg 80);

“He kisses her closed eyelids. It’s not like this with other people, she says. Yea, he says. I know. She senses there are things he isn’t saying to her. She can’t tell whether he’s holding back a desire to pull away from her, or a desire to make himself more vulnerable somehow” (pg 96).

I am struck by the way the book’s composition demonstrates a realness unfamiliar to the readings I often take on. The book reads the way people speak, and cares very little about the grammatical composition of words/sentences. Instead, characters and their thoughts and the narrators own mind speak the way one speaks in ones mind, unfiltered, scattered with anxiety and directness, with an approach to ones own truth above all else. ‘Normal People’ reads almost opposite to the narrative guidelines David Foster Wallace deems necessary, and yet, it embodies his sentiment almost as if the two had been birthed from one another. I wish I and those around me were as brave and as vulnerable as the compilation of sentences in this book. And yet, we’d all fall apart doing so. I want to recommend ‘Normal People’ to Tumblr-man, along with a series of other writings I have not yet finished but have found impactful nonetheless. I know, ultimately, that I won’t, in the same way I won’t send the NYT’s article. Maybe this is an inability to be seen on my end, or a foolish willingness to be something for somebody else without being an actual something to that somebody. Or maybe it’s too much labor and I’m satisfied with thinking through these things on my own, knowing the depth of my own thoughts without needing them to be seen or understood. In the same way my ears strain and struggle to hear noise while wearing my noise canceling headphones while no music plays, my body strains and struggles, leaping for noise and yet feeling bound by the confines the lack of it creates. 

I think about my own mortality often, and wonder whether this existence, this very moment even, I am dead or dying, with only a delusion of existence playing forth in my mind. These thoughts cause congruent sensations in me - anxiety, because of the potential of this reality that has not been proven incorrect or impossible in my mind, and strangely, a dissociation that elevates me beyond that anxiety. I think to myself, and know deep in my bones, that it is true, that it turns out I’ve been dead all along, and that my body has just been decomposing in motion this whole time, waiting for my bones to turn to ash. 

[phgq]

Aiming for ‘Atty.’: How legal education works in the new normal

#PHnews: Aiming for ‘Atty.’: How legal education works in the new normal

MANILA – From the traditional face-to-face interaction in classrooms, students and teachers greet each other virtually through streaming applications in gadgets and strive to continue learning as the coronavirus disease 2019 (Covid-19) lingers. 

Aside from the basic education sector, even legal education is not spared from the need to adjust to challenges posed by the pandemic. Adjustments have made the situation even tougher both for instructors and students.

Sean Cage Yauder, 21, was still fresh from obtaining his baccalaureate degree in Mass Communication at the Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Marikina earlier this year when he passed the Polytechnic University of the Philippines (PUP)-College of Law admission test.

“I never thought of becoming a lawyer until 2017, when I happened to watch a film titled "Bar Boys" at Pista ng Pelikulang Pilipino. That film made me realize that studying law was indeed the best tool to help and make people's lives better,” he said in an interview via Messenger on Sunday.

For Yauder, the not-so-pleasant surprise of online classes got worse because of intermittent internet connection.

“I literally didn't expect to have my freshman law school experience to be online. I am quite adjusting with the situation right now since I haven't experienced this type of classes even before. The challenge I have encountered so far is the connectivity issues. There are times wherein I am experiencing unstable connection, same goes with my professors or classmates. It is quite a challenge especially if the professor is asking you a question but you cannot understand it because of the choppy signal,” he added.

Despite being unable to find employment because of the pandemic, Yauder was able to enroll using his own savings and partially supported by his parents. As a full-time student, he believes having a “me-time” is important in dealing with the stressful workloads in law school.

“I always tend to finish my workloads ahead of time so that I can do other things like I always used to do prior to enrolling in law school like watching movies, playing musical instruments, etc. "Me time" is important especially at this type of situation for it serves as my relaxation moment. It is for our own benefit too since reading voluminous pages from cases to textbooks can sometimes be too stressful, including the pressure during classes as well,” he added.

Adjust or skip for now

Atty. EC, who requested anonymity, a 52-year-old lawyer who has taught Legal Ethics for more than two decades in a number of Manila law schools, observed a decrease in the number of those taking up the course as a result of quarantine measures being undertaken to contain the pandemic.

“Last semester, I handled a class where the number got dramatically reduced after the government declared a lockdown. As it turns out, many do not have access to internet connectivity. And those students who do have it, need to spend more in terms of internet load to be able to take part in the classes,” he said.

With internet unreliability, he said students would ordinarily ask the instructor to repeat what was discussed or the discussion would be interrupted.

Even when internet connection is available, Atty. EC said teaching also became doubly difficult especially for the “old guards”. As a result, many of his colleagues opted to give up the semester just to avoid getting stressed by the demands of the ‘new normal’.

“Unlike our young learners, who are mostly ‘digital natives’, not all law teachers are familiar with technology. It is not all surprising to see a few teachers who are not even familiar with the use of computers and other gadgets. Online teaching, therefore, demands so much from law teachers nowadays,” he said.

This, he added, includes thorough crafting of course plans and careful selection of teaching materials to prepare students for the Bar examinations.

“Teachers ought to be innovative to combat student passiveness and to encourage learners’ collaboration,” he said.

He, however, conceded that the instructors’ role “shift” is significant as they need to be flexible, be willing to meet this new challenge of a facilitator, and must get familiar with the new requirements like headsets, the computer/gadget, the lighting as law classes are usually nocturnal, the course guides.

“They need to innovate so the students would continue to be glued with interest. And this they need to do for, after all, necessity is the mother of invention,” he said.

Atty. EC, however, sees a silver lining amid the situation.

“For one, teachers would not have to spend so much to attend classes. They don’t have to travel and brave the traffic to meet their students in class, saving for themselves on gas, parking, representation and other costs,” he said.

In a speech during the recent online oath-taking ceremony for successful examinees of the 2019 Bar exams, Supreme Court Associate Justice Marvic Leonen underscored that the lawyers of the future will be more burdened by technology’s impact on society in general.

Online teaching of law has also altered the traditional way it has been taught in the classroom, according to Judge Ma. Rowena Alejandria, who teaches Criminal Law at the PUP College of Law, San Sebastian College-Recoletos and the University of Caloocan.

Alejandria, who teaches about 20 to 40 students in a class, noted that internet connectivity in the Philippines is bad so students come and go.

“I cannot impose rules to instill discipline and because of that the training needed for law students to prepare them to appear in court soon is compromised,” she said.

She, however, believes that only the more determined students will prevail and even teachers have to make adjustments with their teaching styles since they now need to understand the predicament of students.

“This would not (be) the case if they are inside the classroom where they should comply with everything in order to pass. No adjustment, no excuses,” she said.

Test of discipline

As classrooms in schools closed and opened in the homes of students through online learning, instructors cannot really monitor whether students are really taking their studies seriously. 

For Atty. EC, law students, many of them are already professionals, are expected to demonstrate that level of maturity by studying on their own with the least supervision, guided primarily by the teacher-provided course outlines.

“Studying law nowadays also requires students to demonstrate their integrity – documenting all sources for all written submissions, and avoiding all forms of cheating in both oral and written examinations, actual supervision being impossible. Since instruction is online, teachers are called to be more of a ‘guide on the side’ rather than ‘the sage on the stage’,” he said.

Meanwhile. Alejandria believes that at the end of the day, discipline must come from students for them to be able to reach their dreams.

“The role of professors now in online classes is only to deliver the subject. We are incapable of pushing them to learn due to the barriers of the internet,” she said.

For Yauder, perseverance and determination combined with the desire to adapt to the ‘new normal’ would help law students like him achieve their ultimate goal despite the health crisis.

“I know a lot of people who are currently struggling and even lose the will to study for the home used to be a time away from work/stress and just to relax. For me, there is no choice but to push hard to achieve our dreams. I have read somewhere that we, the freshmen amidst this pandemic, must bear in mind that regardless of the situation, the first day of law school is the start of our preparation for bar exams,” he added. “We must do our best at all times to succeed and get that ‘Atty.’ title in the future.” (PNA)

***

References:

* Philippine News Agency. "Aiming for ‘Atty.’: How legal education works in the new normal." Philippine News Agency. https://www.pna.gov.ph/articles/1117221 (accessed October 05, 2020 at 06:18PM UTC+14).

* Philippine News Agency. "Aiming for ‘Atty.’: How legal education works in the new normal." Archive Today. https://archive.ph/?run=1&url=https://www.pna.gov.ph/articles/1117221 (archived).

[mrreuben]

Life Plan

Reflection

I was a very arrogant student. I refuse to pay attention in any academic related matters, I never studied any lesson from any subject, refused to practice analytical and problem solving activities, ignored and copied assignments that I was responsible for, and submitted low quality, subpar projects just to “get by” through my requirements in High School. I foolishly believed that I was naturally smart, and solely relying on my stock knowledge and intellectual ability is enough to get me through high school and college, which it miraculously did for the former.

Outside School, from the beginning of my second year in my secondary school, I started to get curious and entered all the vices my parents was telling me never to even attempt on trying. I began to start smoking, drinking, even using recreational drugs with my classmates. We also play competitive computer games excessively which resulted in learning how to gamble my allowances through games and record high numbers of absenteeism in school.

During these times, from 2nd year up to the year that I graduated from high school (fortunately I graduated in time), I thought I was living the life. I believed that this was how cool people were supposed to spend their time, by only thinking about yourself and what makes you happy, regardless of the consequence. I thought that I could continue living this degenerate life of arrogance through college, but God has a way of teaching his children a lesson.

Humbled

With God grace, I was admitted to the University of Santo Tomas, Faculty of Engineering and enrolled in B.S. Civil Engineering. My confidence and arrogance, as usual, was up the roof, and like in high school, the way of life that I’ve been accustomed with was being incorporated since the very beginning of my college life. I immediately started looking for friends or classmates that shares with me the same degenerate lifestyle of drinking and partying. I also did not put any effort in studying my subjects. Given the challenge that mathematics and physics poses, my arrogance and hard-headed attitude of self-confidence has been rooted so deep in my character that I was certain that I do not need to change my ways.

All in all, I had 18 units of failures in the faculty until the day that would wake me up and humbled me down came. I, again, failed some subjects, but this time, it amounted to 9 units, which is the maximum number of failures for one semester in the Faculty of Engineering. In order to be able to enroll for the next term, I need to sign an ultimatum that I cannot fail another subject in the faculty again, lest I’ll be kicked out of the program. Also, I would need to bring my parents to the faculty so they can be made aware of the agreement, and they too would also be required to sign the papers for my conditional status.

When my parents found out the status of my academics, they became furious, but rather than putting a chain around my neck and controlling my lifestyle and routines, they told me that I was free to do whatever I want, whenever I want, but he reminded me that we can only control our choices, but not our consequences. He told me that making mistakes is part of life, but we must be responsible enough to face the consequence of our actions. He also affirmed me that in the end, I am the one who will be most affected with my choices, that every choice that I make will have an impact in my future, both near and far.

The Redemption

After the epiphany, I have decided that I will get up and turn my life around. Even though the partying lifestyle continued, I made sure that I am able to execute my responsibilities and commitments in my academics, which in turn, first gave me an acceptable passing grade, into having one of the highest average in our major subjects and winning the Best Researcher of the Year for our thesis in the faculty of engineering. Now, I am a licensed Civil Engineer, a former engineer of the prestigious EEI Corporation, the largest construction firm in the country, and a current Engineer and Public Servant at the Department of Public Works and Highways – Head Office, which are known to accept only a dozen of engineers from thousands of applicants annually.

I remember how I pitched myself through my interview with the Undersecretary of DPWH, she asked me what I can say about my subjects that came up short in the passing marks, I told her that I went into a self-destructive pattern, but I was able to redeem myself through hard work and determination. Afterwards, she took me as an employee and told me, intelligence is great, but it comes and goes, persistence and the ability to redeem yourself on the other hand, is more extraordinary, and she was right.

Personal Vision Statement

In a few years, I will be known as a loving and compassionate persons who loves to help the less fortunate.

 Personal Mission Statement

I will live to help and inspire the next generation to aim for the stars. Don’t listen to those who says you can’t do it, because you know you can.

 Priority A: Family

As a young professional who’ve just started his journey into the ladder of career development, my main priority right now is to weigh in my priorities and learn to see and appreciate what really is important. Family should always come first, no matter how busy or demanding the career is. In our last days, we won’t tell ourselves that “I should’ve spent more time in the office” or “I should’ve aimed for this promotion”. I believe that what matters most are the bond that we share with our family. A bond that can be built only by spending time and prioritizing each other.

 Milestones and Timeframe

Right now, I am maintaining a work and life balance that I feel is in the right track with spending quality time with my parents. I worked in a company before that has required me to live far from our home for almost 2 years and a company so busy that I can’t even retreat to our home on weekends. I’ve learned from those times that with this set up, I believe that I am wasting my youth. No time for family, friends, and others. Working in the construction would require you to work for almost 24 hours a day. I’ve decided to resign my position, even if it’s a prestigious company, and transferred to company who offers a more flexible schedule compared to the latter.

In five years’ time, I hope that I have found the right woman for me. The woman that I can spend the rest of my life with. I do not fancy myself in needing to buy a house, a car, saving significant amounts in order to marry someone. As long as we are happy and compatible, I believe that we can handle starting our own life from scratch.

In 10 years’ time, I hope that me and my wife has given this world two or maybe three wonderful children who are well mannered, well educated, God fearing, and someone who sees the good in this dark world of ours.

In 20 years’ time, hopefully I have taught my children well, especially with essential values on how to treat people with respect and diligence. I hope I have given my wife all the love and respect that she deserve. I pray that I would have a wonderful family that is full with joy, even amidst struggles and challenges, I hope that we would be able to stay together, and fight these adversaries in strong unity.

  Priority B: Attitude

I’ve always been an optimistic. I always think of life as something that you should spend to make each day count. I rarely miss the opportunity to have fun with friends and family, but sometimes, too much fun is also unhealthy both physically and emotionally.

I always believed in living in a “happy go lucky” lifestyle also when I was younger. I still hold unto the YOLO life, but I’ve realized that there are things bigger than me that I might be able to contribute even a small amount of my talent and skills for the better good.

Milestones and Timeframe

Today, I meditate and enforce myself that I must think bigger. There are many things that I want to contribute to my community, especially to the younger generation. I fix my eyes upon the need of my society and how I can help now that I am earning a significant amount.

In 10-20 years, I hope that my attitude in life will be more relaxed. Instead of being aggressive, I hope that I will fix and focus my priorities, especially prioritizing the family first.

In 20+ years, I hope that I can share my journey, and how my thinking and character has changed from my youth. I plan to share my mistakes and realizations to my children, to teach them the way things are, so that they might minimize their regrets in their life.

Priority C: Financial

See annex A*

Milestones and Timeframe

See annex A*

 Priority D: Social

I’ve always been extrovert. I love people, I love talking and interacting with people. I am most happy when there are people around me, especially if I am able to engage in conversations with them regarding the things that interests me, namely, history, physics, philosophy, art, music, sports, and food.

I also have a passion in helping people, especially the needy. I also love bringing people who feels entitled, and doesn’t appreciate the things that they have in charity events. These events that I have engaged in, and brought some of my unfamiliar friends with the reality of the financially and emotionally struggling population, has given me and them some perspective and appreciation for the things we have now.

Milestones and Timeframe

I plan to be more active in the community in the next 5-10 years. Join and be active in community development groups and worker’s union memberships.

In 10-20 years time, I plan to strengthen my networks of colleagues, friends, and fellow entrepreneur in order to build a more engaging and positive society

 Priority E: Career

I have a lot of goals. I see myself as a successful engineer and business owner in the future. I plan to maximize my skills and potential through every opportunity that may come about. I also believe that I am a risk taker. I am willing to step away from my comfort zone in order to learn new things that will improve my career path.

 Milestones and Timeframe

In 5 years time after I am finished with my Public Service, I can see myself as an engineer in a fortune 500 company, and earning a significant amount to support my future plans for my family and my current and future family’s finances.

In 10-15 years time, I see myself as an engineer respected in my current field. A professional who has credibility and stature. I plan to make my parents proud and confident regarding my future and the future of my new family, I also plan to train the younger professionals so as I grow older, I am slowly passing the responsibilities to my apprentice and I can spend more time with my family.

In 30-40 years, I see myself near retirement and living a more relaxed attitude in terms of my career. I would want to focus more on charity and engaging community service, and most importantly, enjoying my family, and possibly my grandchildren that my children has given me. I plan to oversee the development of my kids through their careers and attitudes toward life in order for them to grow in the right values for the better of the common good.

  Priority F: Public Service

During my first job as an engineer, I worked in a private company who builds government infrastructure, specifically the Skyway and MRT7. I did my duties with great honor, knowing that these platform that I am currently standing, will be a monumental stepping stone for the progress and convenience of my fellow countrymen.

Today, I am currently working for the Department of Public Works and Highways (DPWH), and as a literal public servant and engineer of the Philippine Government, it is with great honor to be part of the Build Build Build program of our current administration. Our office, the Planning Department of DPWH, spearheads the project proposal for the Philippine Infrastructure Masterplan for the next 50 years. It is with great pride that I am able to be in service of the public for more than a year now.

 Milestones and Timeframe

I am currently an employee of the Philippine Government, and I plan to stay here for the next 3-5 years. Public Service has always been part of my plan and passion, and I want contribute to DPWH the best of my abilities in engineering and other fields that might help the department to be more efficient and effective in helping the Filipino people.

In 10 years time, if I decided to end my public service, I plan to continuously engage my society through community service. I plan to volunteer on helping the poor, cleaning the streets, and to operations that will help the country to be a cleaner, safer, just, and humane nation

In 15-20 years time, I plan to share my nationalism attitude to my children. I will bring them to my community service and outreaches so they will learn the essence of patriotism and national pride.

 Priority G: Education

Initially, I love to learn, but I hate going to school. As I have written in my life reflection, I have failed numerous subjects in my college days. I always skip classes, never study upcoming quizzes and exams, and when the class starts at the morning, I usually attend it while I am in a state of hangover. So it is ironic today that you can find me pursuing a post graduate degree in the prestigious De La Salle University.

2 years after I graduated and worked as an engineer, I’ve realized that I miss school, and I want to learn more about the corporate world. I also want to meet new people and expand my network in different fields, for almost all of my friends are all engineers. That is why I have decided to just go and take a chance in enrolling in one of the top management schools in the Philippines, the DLSU.

 Milestones and Timeframe

I will finish my Post Graduate Diploma in Management this April 2020, and I plan to proceed in taking up Masters in Business Administration in De La Salle University after a semestral break.

In 20-25 years time, I plan to finally teach my passion in any school that will give me an opportunity. I plan to teach history and philosophy to the younger generation. I hope I can make them appreciate the subject as it has appreciate me.

 Priority H: Physical

Our family is blessed with good health. Elders from both sides averages a life span of 80-90 years old, no cancers, no complicated diseases or infection. My father is in his mid-60s and my mother is in her late 50s, and both of them are working in their optimum. No maintenance medication, and no history of illness. But even with this fact, we still have to take care of our body, and be careful to not abuse it.

As I have said, I have the tendency to indulge myself in partying and drinking excessively, especially while I am young, single, and very early in my career. That is why I have started to prioritize in disciplining myself on what food to eat, and to control my drinking and partying culture.

Milestones and Timeframe

I plan to lessen my vices and continue regular exercise. I also plan to lessen my meat intake and eat more vegetables. I will invite my family to join me in living a healthy life style.

In 5-10 years time, If I will have enough finances, I will start buying organic foods to have healthier food options, and to also help the environment and to support the advocacy for animal rights.  

 Priority I: Pleasure

 As I’ve mentioned in my story, I am a person who indulges himself to pleasures. I admit that I love to travel, party, drink alcohol, and eat. I also love the thrill of life. I get excited in things that omits danger. I love heights, speed, zero or larger gravity. I delight myself in living the best life that I can by travelling and exploring the unknown.

  Milestones and Timeframe

In 5 years time, I see myself as a more mature and disciplined adult. I limit my alcohol intake and other vices. I would go to parties at a frequency of less than 4 times a year.

Also, during those times, I believe that I have found substitutes for my constant urge to seek thrills. I hope I had found a hobby who doesn’t have the same amount of risk for probably by that time I already have a family.

 Priority J: Artistic

I have been inclined to music all my life. Since I was 9 years old, I was already playing guitar, and worked my way in being skillful also in percussions, drums, keyboard, bass, and even singing.

I also have a tremendous fondness in philosophy, science, and history. I believe that these things also translates to arts. The art of human reasoning, critique, and thinking processes. The art of the physical and scientific laws that governs our daily lives, namely, gravity, physics, astronomy, thermodynamics, relativity, etc. And the art of history, not specifically the art itself, but the progress and advancement of the life and human population. The process of evolution, the rise and fall of different civilizations all across the continents, and the religions that shaped our world today. I love reading and learning the catalysts that forced the chain of events that has shaped our current history.

Milestones and Timeframe

In 5 to 10 years’ time, I plan to share my talent and skills to my wife and children. Hopefully, they will share the same interest and enthusiasm in music, art, science, philosophy and history like me. I believe that art is one of the keys that help develops not only our capabilities, but also our personalities and character. The things mentioned above helped me to question everything, to be curious in life and in knowledge. To seek the truth and adhere to it. It also taught me patient and persistence. It made me realize, especially the musical skills that it doesn’t come over night. You need to be motivated to practice diligently with no compromise. This is what I want to pass on to my wife, children, and the children after them. I believe that education starts from home, and this might help my family in attaining a beautiful perspective in life.

[damester13]

Entry #15 - (Leave) 09/13/19

In my entries about my college journey, Maybe I glossed them with too much of the good stuff in it. While all those good things actually happened to me, we all know by now that I have already lost all of those. No matter how much of good things they were, it's nothing but just memories now. So now I will detail my last few months in Cainta.

Last year's Christmas was probably the saddest of all 21 Christmases I've had. Ever since I stopped functioning during our Finals week, I've been skipping meals more intensely and Christmas Eve was no different. I also turned off all communications with other people for a while. My coping mechanism switch was lit green. I just didn't want to have to deal with anyone at that point. I was filled with shame and disappointment, that I feel like interacting with people will just force me to be "okay" temporarily. From there, I just wanted to give up, primarily my journey as a college student. But at this point, it's extremely petty of me to give up this early, right? Right. I needed an excuse to run in my head and in other people's, too. So why not apply for a LoA status for 1 sem and figure out where things will go from here? And I did just that, but not exactly.

To tell you the truth, there was some bits of geniune hope that my LoA period will bring some positive results. I intended to stay in Cavite for the full extent of my Leave for the change in environment, and plan to shift to Education course when I get back. Of course, my aunt didn't accept that at first, so I just had to make a compromise with her. I said that I'll spend my Leave considering my option to stay in Pol Sci as well. I never did it though, but I had to say it just so I will be allowed to push through. Again, Pol Sci is such a wonderful course. Unfortunately, it's not what's for me. From here on and out, somehow things didn't go as planned for me.

As I've said earlier, there was a glimmer of hope in this decision, but things went differently when it started to become busy at home. There was an ongoing construction for our new garage and my aunts were constantly going out to do whatever they were doing. Since the rest of the people apart from me and Lola were not at home during the day, I was very much needed to be at home all the time to "watch over" my lola and the construction workers in case they might need something. My plan to leave for Cavite was put on hold until the time came when I wasn't just up for it anymore. You see, even after the construction was over, we kept having visitors over and over again. I was a complete shut-in, so leaving my room with tons of visitors outside was a tightrope I'm not willing to walk on. It was just very hard for me to find a good chance to ask for permission and leave the house.

It kept going on and on like that until one day, I just woke up with not even a single pint of hope and positivity to be found in me. Along with that, any vision of a good future for me was also gone. I consider myself a positive thinker. Even with a bad coping mechanism when things fuck up, as long as I can see a chance for things to get better, I will find myself being okay one way or another. But now, everything is just dark. I cannot see anything at all. I kept telling myself, "Something was there before." But now, I can't even remember what it was anymore.

During these times, I kept going on and off with interacting with people. I am very much conflicted with how I view my friends at that point. I think they were just big distractions to me. All their happy, sad, or even random stories are just for me to temporarily forget my own reality. I committed to talk to these people when they need someone to talk to but it wasn't easy for me to listen to them without thinking of how unfair life is for me. Regardless, I remained as a "true" friend to them until the very end. I'm sorry.

The tables have turned completely and I just can't recognize my situation anymore. This wasn't how things are meant to go. Or perhaps, it was? At this point, it doesn't matter. Things have been going downhill for a long time now that it just feels like any bad thing that happens to me is just a part of an endless streak of unfortunate events. Somewhere along the line, I just decided to finally give up for real. 

I began my plan to officially drop out of college. I did say "plan" but given the lack of vision that I have, I really didn't have much apart from planning to permanently stay in Cavite. As for my primary "excuse", I just don't think I can pursue something that I have no motivation for. Me staying in UP will just be an utter waste of time and financial resources if this goes on. 

I asked several friends of mine for their opinions and advice regarding this decision because I recognize my state of mind isn't as optimal as it should be at that time. Their opinions varied quite a bit, but the bottom line of most of them was that "It's up to me." Personally, I dislike this a lot purely because I think I'm very much aware of that fact. I ask for people's take on my problem because I want to know what THEY want for me, what THEY think the better choice is for me. I ask those because those are the things that I do not know yet. Anyway, I still valued their words as I work my mind around things. Thank you.

Finally, with all these said and done, I still had to ask for my aunts' GO signal if I intend to push through this path. If our talk about my LoA ended up in a compromise, this time I cannot compromise anything anymore. I was going to keep convicing them until they're finally okay with it. But my emotions were the ones that gave up first. My aunts kept pushing for me to enroll the next semester even if I was already a week late in the enrollment period. Their persistence was just as I expected but hearing it directly iritated me so much that I just lashed out on them.

"You just don't understand me at all! At this point, I feel like I might end up killing myself someday!" I shouted.

That was the first time I ever mentioned that to anyone directly.

I suddenly found it hard to breathe.

My hands were shaking.

I wasn't able to talk.

I shed no tears but my heart was crying.

I realized that I was no longer capable of having a conversation with them so I stormed out of the room.

My legs were numb.

The numbness went all over my body.

I couldn't bend my knees at all.

I had to penguin-walk towards my room.

I fell on my bed without bending a single joint.

I felt weak.

This went on for at least 10 minutes until I finally calmed down.

That was my last conversation with them. 2 days later, I finally left the household and now I'm here in Cavite.

In the end, I committed a lot of mistakes yet again. I wasn't able to convince my aunts regarding my decision. I wasn't able to meet a couple of friends before I left for Cavite. I wasn't able to officially drop out and now I'm in an indefinite period of unofficial leave.

If this is a story of my greatest comeback of all time, oh how great that would be. But I don't want to stupidly believe in such unlikely thing. I'm sorry.

Extra stories:

For reference: I incurred an Academic Delinquency tag and was put on a Probationary status for not passing more than 50 percent of my total units in one sem. In that sem, I only passed 2 of my Japanese classes (obviously because of my prior background), and my Econ class because of a curve I think. Also, 1 of the Japanese classes isn't technically creditted to me since I already had 5 out of 6 cognate courses done in my curriculum.

For the record, I don't care about my grades as long as they're not failing. Maybe even if I fail a couple, I wouldn't mind. But what I do mind is the implication of the strings of failures especially when concentrated in one semester. It definitely tells something about me and my current path. I felt like I had to step back and I did, permanently.

While I was in UP processing my LoA application, I met a girl who was also settling her Academic Delinquency status. She was hospitalized during finals week resulting to her failing all her classes back then. I honestly felt much more disappointed in myself since she was still determined to keep pushing through even after such an inevitable setback. I hope she's getting closer to her finish line by now.

During my Leave, I intended to study and take the N4 level in JLPT which is the official examination to determine one's Japanese proficiency level. I did study "unorganizedly" for a few months, but eventually lost interest and gave up. I lost sight of whatever purpose there was for pursuing it. I just saw it as a way to distract myself.