#candid farts

[pumpkingas]

"A probiotic yogurt that won't give me gas?"

Klaus Hargreaves fart imagines (⁠ʃ⁠ƪ⁠＾⁠3⁠＾⁠）

TW: Eproctophilia, fart fetish, cults, alcoholism, incest-y themes??, dub-con.

Being his follower.

Considering the amount of orgies that took place, most of his followers are complete FREAKS. However, Klaus might've taken notice of the fact you always linger on his ass whenever you're busy worshipping his body, licking it, grabbing it, teasing it, sniffing it, etc.

During a yoga lesson he took "release and let go," a little too literally while you were on the mat behind him. His flared pants were tucked between his cheeks and you almost fell over trying to get a closer look. (Or a smell from the source)

Although his bedroom is a sacred space you often are able to find him sleeping in various common areas, laying down in compromised positions. You'd get on your knees and crawl until your face was between his legs or behind his rear, cautiously sniffing, worried even your breath might be enough to wake him. Most of the time he'd sleep soundly, mumbling all kinds of things and turning every which way but with a blissful expression, other times he wouldn't be that lucky, he'd moan and groan as his stomach gurgled, arching his back before releasing nasty bubbles into the air.

The one time you found him for a one on one chat you immediately confessed your obsession with his body odor and gross habits, feeling your spirit getting lighter and lighter as you rambled on and on. His eyes widened but quickly a smile overtook him, he asked you to join him in the garden in a few hours. You waited, anxious the whole time and found him behind a flowering bush, he was laying on his belly, on top of a quilted picnic blanket. He had a large Jell-O tray in front of him and a dainty spoon in his hands, the Jell-O was green and packed with veggies. You stood there in pure shock before he waved you over, you sat on your knees beside him and he slowly pulled his pants just under the curve of his ass, he directed you to lie on his legs with your face buried into his ass like a pillow, you immediately obliged, nuzzling your nose between his cheeks. He began to fart, they were audible but muffled intensely by your soft face. His gas was especially putrid that day, it lingered in a fog and you felt a wave of euphoria with each nasty burst.

Being his sibling (a member of the academy)

Growing up you'd definitely bicker with him about his dietary choices, his stomach was already sensitive and with the addition of alcohol it was even worse. You'd complain endlessly to the point that mother had to ban dairy products from the house entirely, thankfully that was enough to make him get off the whole milk kick.

He was a tad egotistical so things that were gross when anyone else did it were meant to be funny when he did it. At dinner he'd lean over to whisper in your ear and the moment you focused on him he'd let out a wet burp. Whenever you'd put your headphones on to listen to music he'd find it funny to let out as many farts as possible until you asked about the smell, he'll never forget the time when you asked "what's mom cooking? It smells really good," right after he did that little trick.

Even though you're the same age he'd often take on a "younger brother" role, you were open to it as you enjoy taking care of people (if you focus on others problems you get to ignore yours!) and if he wasn't going to clubs, bars and pubs for comfort he was going to your bedroom. You'd hold him close, allow him to rant about what's on his mind until he drifted off, however it was important you went to sleep immediately afterwards, otherwise you'd be forced to smell his sleep farts all night. If you're spooning him those farts would get drilled into your lap, and he'd be lying on your arm so you'd be unable to scoot away. Every time you tell yourself this will be the last night he sleeps with you because you're sick of his gas and you're getting old, but every time he'd have that pitiful look in his eyes and you'd be pulling your covers back.

If you have a car of your own, just know your seats will constantly be soaked in sweat, drool, and the leftover stench from his gas. You'd try desperately to place boundaries on giving him rides but when you're heading out he'd find any way possible to be in the car, always with some excuse like he lost something, he needed to talk with you or even that he wondered what your trunk felt like. And when you're comfortable at home practicing, meditating, working, sleeping, whatever, are you really gonna be okay ignoring that "please please come pick me up? I'm in trouble, I promise I'll pay you back??" Text? So you end up with him either in the back seat, leaning around, telling you about all the crazy things he did that night, spilling the leftover booze in his flask everywhere with a smile on his face, or in the passenger seat, rubbing his stomach and complaining about how dirty the club bathroom was, ripping absolutely rank farts into your seats with his head thrown back.

[ghastigiggles]

IN THE MOST LIKE. /nm /npa WAY, PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS WRONG OR NEGATIVELY

I’ve noticed that you tend to like …. ask us if it’s okay to do certain things? and like, that’s totally fine and acceptable, but … like. this is YOUR blog, it is whatever you want it to be, you can post whatever, and if people don’t like that then they can just ….. idk, unfollow lol?

if you want to keep a following, sure, then you are 100% free to do what makes you believe you will keep it, HOWEVER if you don’t mind, then you can just do what you want, right ?

you’re not here to entertain anybody if you don’t want to. it’s always your choice to make, and you deserve to have it

ah but you misunderstand. my self-worth is directly tied to the validation of whether people recieve my products well or not! /hj

[silverbirching]

Proud to be one of the 60% of people donating to a campaign for the first time ever to make Kamala "Made Brett Kavanaugh Cry Like a Wussy Bitch Boy" Harris our president.

I pried open my wallet for Kamala "Trump Is Scared To Debate Her" Harris.

I AM JAZZED AS FUCK TO VOTE FOR KAMALA "TOUGH AS GODDAMN NAILS" HARRIS IN NOVEMBER.

[pieplease]

I really need it to be November so I can be writing my nanowrimo instead of cover letters.

[uservarric]

Sam brings a whoopee cushion to knowhere and chaos ensues.

this is so silly i’m obsessed with it. it nearly ends in murder probably. it starts when he’s trying to catch rich with it but like, gamora sits instead.

[grunge-mermaid]

"I didn't know he was Turkish"

about someone with a very overtly Turkish name who (as far as I'm aware) has never tried to hide his Turkish heritage

I'm done.

[omegarubyy]

In love with this fucking commercial

[creepyboy6969]

Sniffing My Aunt Ass😘🥵🤤🤤

[i8utl3rtr0n]

so cute pls keep cooking

I am so sorry. I am a joanrriet shipper. LISTEN you have to look at it from the perspective of like a really homoromantic highschool best friend that you get together with, have a nasty break up and lose touch okay??

[tgcg]

tell your loved ones

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:01 --

TG: hey im on the john

JOHN: hey, dave is taking a dump.

TG: taking a shit just so were clear

JADE: jeez!!!!!!! even when im not online i have to hear about it

TG: i know you care so youre first to know

JOHN: i'm just giving you a heads up for the bajillion messages you will definitely have about this when you get home.

EB: god, thank you. that is awesome. dave fans everywhere are gonna go NUTS for this truth nugget.

EB: hey, i am at the store with jade!

TG: tell her the news

EB: i did as soon as you first pinged me, don't worry.

TG: hell yeah see you just fucking get it

JADE: well tell him i say congrats!

EB: she says congrats.

EB: also that you left your "yeah! woo!" machine at her place.

EB: and that you are gross and smell like a dog took a dump on a fart even when you aren't crapping during our conversations.

TG: goddamn

EB: jk that last bit was me heheh. but she nodded!

EB: so anyways, a yeah woo machine?

EB: what the hell even IS that?

JADE: its more or less a machine that yeahs and woos

TG: its basically a machine that yeahs and woos

EB: ok, yeah, that is pretty much exactly what jade said too. apparently this is supposed to be obvious.

JADE: its pretty self explanatory!

TG: pretty self explanatory stuff

TG: anyways im gonna tell karkat this time i think im ready for that

EB: oh shit (LOL), that's a pretty big deal, right? good luck dude.

--

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 12:03 --

TG: ok karkat can i be unbelievably candid with you is dj crabapple ready for this

TG: this is a really big deal for me but like no pressure

CG: SHIT, IS EVERYTHING OK?

CG: DO I NEED TO COME OVER THERE.

TG: no no its good i just really need to confess something

CG: WHATEVER IT IS, TELL ME. I'M HERE.

TG: alright

TG: deep breath strider

--

TG: im dropping mad logs like bars in the ablution block vantas

TG: shit is on fire

TG: downright heretical like a shat outta hell

TG: and since im feeling penitent i figure our pesterlogs are pretty much akin to a confessional booth right

CG:

--

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 12:04 --

TT: Hey Dave.

TT: Are you, by any chance, taking a shit right now?

TG: damn word spreads fast on the information superhighway

TT: Yes, I have had the news forwarded to me via this bountiful virtual dimension of knowledge and culture we call the World Wide Web by a fellow enthusiast, one ectoBiologist.

TT: Frankly I'm heartbroken you didn't come to me about it first.

TT: Please, divulge to your loving sister the nature of your bowel movements, in exhaustive detail. Highlights in a notarized list, an overall ranking grade of your experience, whether you would recommend it to your friends, et cetera. These would be among my most pertinent avenues of inquiry.

TG: you were next on the mailing list rose im already on it

TG: boutta weave a verbal tapestry no holds barred just for you about my rambunctious foray down in brown town

TG: stay tubed

TT: Thank god. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't peruse your commodal follies like the morning gazette.

TG: dont act like this has educational value rose

TG: we all know my daily bullshit has got a laugh track

TG: like damn what kind of gazettes are you getting

TT: The best kind, Dave. Only the best kind.

TG: thanks for the vote of confidence

TG: wait gimme a sec karkat pinged

TT: Of course. I understand it's quite a big deal for you.

--

CG: OK.

CG: SINCE THIS APPARENTLY SKIRTS THE FRESHEST BUDS OF OUR BRO-DOM'S BURGEONING FROND NUB, I *ALSO* HAVE SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO SHARE.

CG: I HOPE YOUR REFLECTIVE ABLUTION VAULT IS STOCKED WITH FUCKING RUMBLESPHERE TRANQUILIZERS, BECAUSE THIS EXCHANGE IS ABOUT TO GET SHITHIVE MAGGOTS.

CG: LISTEN CAREFULLY.

TG: whats up

--

CG: I AM ALSO ON THE LOAD GAPER RIGHT NOW.

TG: oh shiiit

CG: DON'T UNCLENCH YOUR EXPLOSIVE FUCKING SEED FLAP JUST YET, BECAUSE THERE'S *MORE*!

CG: I AM *ALSO* TAKING A CRAP.

TG: oh shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit

CG: OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT

[gassywill]

Camping Fart Slave Training - Part 1

I didn't want to go camping with Joeseph due to not wanting to be in an enclosed space with him for an extended period of time.

We had been friends since school, always around at each other's houses but recently Joeseph started to enjoy teasing me by being gross, farting around or sometimes on me, burping constantly and sometimes making me wake up with his shoe tied to my face.

However, nothing could prepare me for this.

I arrived at the campsite Joeseph stood there, his blonde scruffy hair blowing in the wind and his silky tracksuit bottoms and the tent that didn't look too big.

As I approached I could see the campfire on with a disposable BBQ cooking some burgers and sausages. I went into the tent and set up my side, there wasn't much room in the tent however as I moved something fell out of Joeseph's bag, what looked like a gas mask from the war...

"Mate what the f**k is this?" holding the gas mask in the air, "Oh that's for later don't stress man food ready" Joeseph replied with a beaming smile on his face.

Confused I finished getting sorted and headed out.

It was cold outside so we just sat and quickly ate, the food was lush. Unfortunately, the quiet location wed chosen was ruined by a large rumble in Joesephs belly then a huge fart erupting out of his ass.

He laughed as I companies about the smell, even outside it was putrid. "Don't do that in the tent man we will both die" smiling Joeseph responded, "Oh don't worry I have a solution for that".

I just laughed it off, we chatted some more but then it was too cold to stay out so I headed to the toilet while Joeseph got sorted.

I entered the tent to Joeseph topless, with his tracksuit bottoms still on and no socks, he was laying on top of his sleeping bag and was stroking his dick.

I laid down in my sleeping bag and zipped it up, shortly after a smell started to fill the whole tent, a rancid eggy smell from Joeseph ass.

"F**k man that's rank, you said you weren't gonna do this," I said while choking on the putrid smell that had filled our small tent.

At that very moment Joeseph sat on my chest, looking down at me he smiled and said "Ah yes the solution" he grabbed the gas mask I had seen before holding it up and inspecting it "You see, I want a fart slave full time as my gas has been getting so bad. So I thought you'd make a good candidate"

I started to struggle in the sleeping bag "Mate what?!? Please don't I can't take this anymore" As I finished that sentence Joeseph gagged me with one of his dirty socks. Ensuring I could no longer speak.

He placed the gas mask over my face, making sure it was airtight. He placed his hand over the filter of the gas making me squirm as I couldn't breathe and released it once I reacted "Ah good, no escape".

He then attached a specially fitted hose to the gas mask testing that the same way to ensure it was airtight. He then got off me, on his knees he turned round to show me a zip on the back of his tracksuit bottoms. He unzipped it and attached the other end of the hose to a specially fitted attachment.

The foul smell of his ass shot down the hose and into the mask, filling it within seconds of his musty ass smell.

He then got out some tape and taped it around my sleeping bag meaning I couldn't get out of it, secured into it and secured to his ass. I couldn't even move my hands out of the bag because of his tape.

"Ok, fart sniffer here is what's gonna happen, when we leave this campsite your gonna be under my control forever. You'll want to do nothing but inhale my gas". He said as he stroked my dick.

I thought to myself that it won't happen, how could I love and beg for his farts when they were so disgusting and made me feel ill.

"What I am going to do is make sure that every time I fart I stroke your dick, I want you to think of the pleasure you get down there every time I fart. I am going to make you cum from my gas"

I squirmed again and once tried to reason in my head what was happening. Then it his me, the foul stench, he had farted

I began to squirm from the stench that had begun to fill the mask until the hose started to vibrate and then the sound came to PPFFFRRRTTTTRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

"Oh fuck that felt good," Joespeh said as he laughed loudly "How was that fart sniffer," he said while stoking my dick which was soft.

I was squirming around, the tent shaking. Joseph laughed as he released silent farts continuously into the mask. This was hell.

[pumpkingas]

Okay okay, soo if there's like a sex worker android they'd be able to fulfill every kink, fetish and philia right? Just a stressed out virgin dipping into their savings just to have a gooddd night with some artificial intelligence. Sitting on the edge of the bed as the android begins it's typical routine, swaying it's hips and seducing them with compliments and sweet-nothings. The virgin would sweat, fiddling with the payment card in their hand as they will themself to ask the question.

"Can you... fart? Uhm I can pay more if that's like premium, uh I've never—" They shift in their seat, staring at the wall as even fabricated eye contact is too much for them. The android would break their personal space bubble, shushing them with a realistically warm finger.

"are you asking if I can? Or if I will? I've got lots of modes, candid, kinky, shy, shameless, bubbly, silent, you name it. Just have to use your words," It rubs the poor virgins lips, their skin burning already from the mere awareness that their fantasy is capable of and is about to come alive. The android would climb into their lap, waiting patiently for a command. No matter the size of the android it'd be heavier than it looks because of all the machinery, the virgins thighs would be pressed against the mattress, their crotch heating up as they think of what to say. The android would push out a criminally warm fart right against their crotch, it'd be pleasantly long but not drone on and on, hot but not burning, loud but not eardrum popping. It would be set to a natural foul smell, however, soon they'd be shown that the options range from a fresh cotton candy scent to an abhorrent sewage-adjacent stench. All the while their android for the night teases them.

"Tell me exactly what you want..."

[theleomarspt2]

The Lake Date

Cw: Fart/Hyperfart content ahead

It was a warm day, and Lorenzo was enjoying his swim when a handsome young guy setting up his picnic not far from shore had caught his attention. Confindent in his smoohtness, Lorenzo swam back to shore to retrieve his glasses and dry off his hair. The sun glistened against his perfectly toned swimmers body, as his speedo hugged him in all the right places. Lorenzon continued to look at the guy who had called his attention, and he was determined to put him to the test.

As Lorenzo approached the guy, he felt a rumble in his abdomen indicating his stomach was producing enough gas to impress the guy.

"Hey, lovely day for a picnic"

"Uh yeah..."

The other guy looked nervous, not knowing why some handsome man in a speedo was approaching him. As he sat on picnic blanket, he could not take his eyes off this handsome stranger. Something about his slim muscular body and wide smile made him feel approachable.

"Where are my manners? I am Lorenzo"

"I am Chris, I take it you are practicing your swimming?"

"Haha that obvious? And what brings such a handsome guy like you to be eating alone?"

Chris demeanor went from shy to sad.

"Well, I was supposed to be here with someone... but he broke up with me."

Lorenzo saw Chris drawing into himself, and with an understanding expression lowered himself to Chris’ level, putting his hand on Chris’ shoulder.

"Hey man that sucks, sorry to hear that" Lorenzo said, happy to hear that this cute stranger was gay.

"it’s alright I suppose, probably for the best"

"It’s his loss anyway, you’re too adorable a guy to simply let go"

Lorenzo’s compliment sent a shock down Chris’ system. While the sadness from the recent breakup had clouded his mind he could still pick up on Lorenzo’s intentions. With the ball in his court, Chris found a little courage within him.

"Well you know, I did bring quite more food than I could eat and I’d hate to have to take it all back, you’re not some psycho are you?"

"I promise I am not" Lorenzo knew well what his plan was, he could feel it in his stomach, so the question made him giggle.

"that’s good enough for me, if you don’t have anything else to do would you want to join me?" Asked Chris bravely.

"it’d be an honor"

Lorenzo said as he sat down on the blanket, in such a manner that his muscles flexed, trying to impress Chris.

The two men had a candid time, sharing about one another's lives. Chris got to share about how he was trying to move through life despite his shyness, while Lorenzo proved to be the contrary. The confident swimmer spoke about his passion for his job as a lawyer and his love for his more athletic hobbies. In between bites of cantaloupe and prosciutto Lorenzo began to feel a pressure building up against his back end, knowing fully well it was his time to see if this guy could handle all of him.

Both men continued their conversation, with Chris completely mesmerized as he Lorenzo's sweet Italian accent filled the air. With Chris giving him puppy eyes, Lorenzo saw a chance to start the betting process he always put potential partners into. A rumble erupted from his direction.

"Oh excuse me, hopefully this is not too rude but I can't hold it back" He said, and before Chris could process anything Lorenzo scrunched his face.

PBBBBBRRRRRTTT

A five second ripple exploded out of Lorenzo's muscular backside. Whatever moisture leftover from his swim seemed to evaporate. As the fart ripped a strange smell began to emanate from his speedo. It was like garlic, but with a smoky tinge to it.

"Haha my bad, you know, athlete's diet"

"Well.... it is just part of breaking the ice hahaha"

Lorenzo was surprised by how accepting Chris turned out to be of his fart. It seemed like Chris might pass Lorenzo's test afterall.

Both men continued to talk, Lorenzo's fart having loosened up some of the tension Chris was feeling. Just as Chris was about to try his luck at flirting he felt a tremor underneath his body.

PPPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTT

The subtle ground shaking turned into a sustained rattle that made the picnic blanket flutter. The flowers in the blooming trees that surrounded them began falling to the ground and being blown away before touching the ground, while a flock of nearby pigeons flew away startled by the booming sound emanating from Lorenzo.

"Oh damn... seems like my stomach decide to make a statement" Said Lorenzo quite proudly of the fart he had just ripped.

Holding back coughing, Chris could not help but to double over laughing. He could barely believe the absurdity of the situation. Here was a man who looked as though he had been carved by Michaelangelo with farts strong enough to cause small earthquakes. As bizarre as this was, it had an endearing air to it.

"Well," Chris said between bouts of laughter "That is a way to make a memorable first impression"

Lorenzo's proud expression turned into a mischievous grin. With a spark in his eyes, Lorenzo got closer to Chris.

"Memorable, huh? what if I went bigger next time" He leaned into Chris's ear and with a charming whisper said "Imagine, a serenade from my deepest end just for you... hopefully that way I can leave you breathless"

A rush of blood went to straight to Chris's face. Lorenzo's seductive demeanor, and its contrast with his unique talent, sent a shiver down his spine.

"A serenade? What an honor" he said trying to tease his companion back. "Well, maybe you can clear the park so it can be a bit of a private concert"

Lorenzo was taken aback by Chris's sudden confidence, but just as quickly he regained his composure and decided to take in the challenge. He took a deep breath and allowed for this belly rumble, announcing the production of new gas, ready to cause a ruckus.

As Chris was confidently smiling, Lorenzo reached over to him and pulled him by the back of his head. As Chris was leaned in, Lorenzo leaned in to make their forehead touch.

BBBUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRREEPPPPPPP

A loud, guttural belch erupted from Lorenzo’s mouth and blew back Chris’s hair.

“How’s that for a solo” Lorenzo asked with a smug smile on his face. A few hikers nearby turned to look at the source of the explosion while Chris remained speechless.

“Come with me” Lorenzo grabbed Chris’s hand and and the two walked towards the shore. “See those trees over there?” Lorenzo pointed at the island less than a mile away.

"Watch this" He said, as he turned back to Chris and pointed his butt towards the island. He inhaled deeply, the sound of his breath only rivaled by a roar that moved the top of his stomach towards his lower abdomen. He then proceeded to exhale, from both ends.

PPPPPPPPFFPFFFFFFFBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTT

PPPPPRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTRRRRRRRRTTTTTT

Two explosions exited Lorenzo's butt, the threads of his speedo somehow managing to stay together. The first fart, longer and with quite a cresendo, managed to form a considerably-sized wave that rippled accross the late and broke against the island, while the sheer force of it also managed to rustle the leaves in the trees of the island. Nearby swimmers began to try and scape, but were knocked over by the waves created by the fart. Sailboats began drifting away from the shore, and even nearby seagulls were pushed away by the current of wind. Chris simply watched with his mouth agape as the noxious winds from Lorenzo hit the island.

The second fart, while shorter, had deeper sound to it. The sonic boom of it continued to ripple across the water of the lake, but it was the smell of it that was the most impactful. A mixture of digested cheese and garlic, with a strange mixture of herbs that seemed to just have passed through Lorenzo's system made the first couple of birds fall into the water and seemed to turn a few of leaves of the island's trees brown. Lorenzo sighed, before relaxing his body and sitting by the shore, motioning for Chris to join him and contemplating the mayhem he had caused.

Initially stunned, Chris followed through and joined Lorenzo in looking at the the lake as it returned to its once interrupted tranquility.

"Wow" Said Chris "That was some next level"

"Haha I wanted to see if I could impress you, hopefully you're not scared now"

"I think I just need to keep you pleased now" Chris said with a smile on his face and a hand inching closer to Lorenzo's toned thighs. As Lorenzo was about to reach for Chris's hand a major rumble left his stomach, one that even send shivers down his entire body.

PPPPPFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTRTRRRTTTTTRRRRRRRBBBBBRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTRTTTTTTTRRSS

The deafening sound of a chainsaw emanated from the Italian man's butthole. The ground shook with as the sound reached its peak intensity. The force of the explosion sent shockwaves all around him, knocking lake goers down as they tried running away and causing most wildlife to struggle as they tried scaping what felt like the detonation of a bomb.

The fart's volume and odor soon became unbearable, even for Lorenzo who began coughing. He had little time to process the realization that he had finally ripped a fart that not even he could control was interrupted when he saw that a large wave was headed straight towards the island. As the fart began dying towards the one minute and thirty seconds mark, Lorenzo came back into his own mind after the gargantuan fart had taken him out of it.

Soon after he returned to his sense, he realized that Chris was holding to his torso, hugging him tightly trying not to fly away. Part of his clothes ripped from the blast while his face was pressed onto Lorenzo's chest.

"Fuck...... man I am sorry...sorry, the aftershocks are unpredictable."

Chris raised his head, a belwidered look in his face. He soon realized that he was hugging Lorenzo, and retreated into himself.

"Chris... fuck... I am sorry, I understand if you decide to-" Lorenzo was interrupted as Chris's hands held his face and Chris's lips touched his in a passionate yet sudden kiss, which Lorenzo reciprocated with gusto.

Instead of being annoyed, Chris felt a surge of warmth towards the man beside him. He could not stop himself from kissing Lorenzo, a man charisma and a butt capable of clearing a park. What more could a man ask for? As they pulled away from the kiss, Chris put his hands on Lorenzo's thighs.

"Well, your concert was impressive" Chris said smiling "and I hope you accept my request of a private one"

It was Lorenzo's turn to be taken aback by Chris's boldness, but as soon as the surprise wore off he smiled.

"I would love that Chris"

"Say no more" Without hesitating, Chris grabbed Lorenzo's hand and as both men stood up Chris began leading Lorenzo.

"Where?.. Where are we going?"

"First you are tellime where your car is and you are getting your clothes, can't have people looking at your butt after fart" Chris pointed to Lorenzo's backside as his speedo was not shredded and his buttocks were exposed.

"Then" said Chris "My place, I live not too far from here"

The sun shined on their path as the men walked hand in hand towards their destinations, both aware that a new beginning was brewing for the two of them.

Disclaimer: I do not own the pictures I used, the story described is 100% fictional.

Shout out to: @smellystars and @gassydumbjocks for giving me feedback while writing

[teleit]

Who would be the best ruler of Westeros? Me, I have the desire to do good deeds, even when others beg for mercy

Jokes aside, but really - who? The show actively tells me that Rhaenyra is the only possible option, because this woman glows in the dark from all the blessings received from every god in existence and shits wisdom and greatness.

But is she? Let's hear my useless opinion.

First, where are we looking - at canon (the book), or at the screened fanfic (the show)?

In terms of canon, I think Jacaerys was the best option, but only because the other candidates were complete failures. The way Martin described this boy, even through the lens of the biased Black and Green sources, sounds promising. Yes, 90% of his decisions ended up being failures - he suggested recruiting more dragonriders from dragon seeds, and got Hugh and Ulf; he suggested sending Aegon III and Viserys to Pentos, and they were captured by the Triarchy; he went to rescue his brothers with a bunch of newbies who could barely stay on their dragons, and he ended up getting killed.

If it weren't for the circumstances of his birth, which would inevitably lead to a rebellion by the lords outraged by a bastard on the throne, Jacaerys might have been a good king. He just needed time to grow up.

But on the show? No one. No one at all. None of these people, they are all absolutely terrible.

Rhaenyra? That woman wouldn't know the word "responsibility" if it ambushed her in a parking lot and beat the crap out of her. She doesn't understand what ruling is even twenty years after being named heir, and she asks helplessly "what should I do?", wringing her hands at every difficulty. She does one stupid thing after another, driven by anything but common sense. If she were queen, we'd have another crisis in ten years or so.

Daemon? Lmao. No. That dude lived, fucked and died for shits and giggles, he can't be trusted with snow in the winter.

Jacaerys? That's the boy who solves problems with violence (pulling out a dagger when insulted, punching his uncle in the face when insulted, need I go on?), and loses every fight he starts. He doesn't speak Valyrian, constantly whines and cries to his fiancée and mother that he doesn't know what to do or how to be, and is practically useless during wartime (because his smart decisions were given to Rhaenyra, but that's another story).

Lucerys? Yeah, sure, how can you forget how he handled himself so perfectly at dinner when he should have just kept his mouth shut, but instead he decided that laughing at the crazy uncle he maimed and never apologized for was the height of comedy, better only fart jokes. That boy had one brain cell, and it was on permanent sick leave for the entire season.

Rhaenys? A woman who talks about the slavery of the patriarchy and submits to the decisions of her ambitious to the point of stupidity husband. Marrying her little daughter to her forty year old cousin? Why not. Losing two children because of Rhaenyra and Daemon, and continuing to serve their interests, even though they use her as they please, because Corlys hopes that someday it will pay off? Excellent solution, let's also scold husband for not loving his own bastards enough, and then die ingloriously and uselessly. Yes, the queen we deserve, Rhaenys the Spineless.

Aegon? He can only be a good king if a miracle happens and he stops listening to the idiots around him, gets rid of his mommy and daddy issues, and starts using his head for more than just pouring wine into mouth. Which won't happen, because the writers HATE this man. He'll be pathetic and useless, and then he'll die, because gods forbid there should be an equal fight between a woman and a man for the throne, a woman needs to kick a body sprawled on the ground, disarmed and incapacitated, so that everyone understands that she is superior to him in everything.

Aemond? Season 1 - maybe after a couple of years of therapy, Season 2 - no, he literally doesn't have a single thought in his head except "blood revenge hate aaarrrgghhh", and only occasionally do we see glimpses of a complex character, thanks to Ewan's insane talent.

Helaena? Poor girl, who was just like Aemond crippled by the script so much that even Martin couldn't stand it (Helaena will die just because, for no reason… wow, such deep character development…), give her her bugs and leave her alone.

In canon, the dance of the dragons is the result of well-intentioned stupidity of several generations, in the show - a parable of why incest is bad, just look at how much the mental capacity of people whose family tree looks like a wreath has suffered.

Ps. Still not native speaker and dgaf about mistakes, english can suck my imaginary dick

[studentinpursuitofclouds]

Shane finding out about the Marnie and Lewis relationship? And that Lewis won’t openly be with her?

So... how would Shane react? Depending on exactly how he finds out about it.

If Marnie just tells him about it right away, his face express pure cringe, along the lines like "seriously? Out of all the candidates, you chose him?", but then he'll say that it's up to Marnie to decide who she's happy with.

If, on the other hand, Shane catches Lewis late at night trying to sneak in through the window (like a teenager, merciful Yoba 🤦) and scares him or Jas, Shane will make a scene. For where is it seen that local mayor climb like night thief into a house! Shane lives here too! And Jas! Who thought about the girl when that old prick came through the window?! Maybe Jas would have been scared to death and crying!

His attitude towards this not-so-pleasant event changes dramatically when Shane learns that it's kept secret and he's not supposed to tell anyone. If earlier it was cringe, now it's complete confusion mixed with disbelief, anger and disgust.

It's going to take a lot of willpower (or Jas standing next to him, because he's not going to swear in front of her) to keep from screaming and swearing at everyone (mostly Lewis).

"Am I the only adult here?!" The fact that they're actually behaving even worse than teenagers just pissed Shane off. Even more infuriating to him was the fact that it was Lewis' initiative to keep everything a secret from everyone in Pelican Town.

"Marnie, you're letting him treat you like garbage?!"

"Shane, mind your-"

"Shut the fuck up, you old farts, I'm talking to Marnie right now, not you!"

Anyway, there's gonna be a scandal. Shane will say everything he thinks about their mayor and scold him for being a coward, also not forgetting to add that all this talk about "tainted status" is bullshit and a stupid excuse.

"So worried about your status? Then go fuck your status instead."

One of my personal developments in the plot is that Lewis, some time after the scandal, realises that there's really no point in keeping it a secret and that it hurts Marnie's feelings so much. So at the Flower Dance, the Mayor will shout, "Ah, frick it!" and kiss Marnie passionately in full view of everyone. And Marnie will return the favour.

Lewis will expect judgement, but in the end half the residents will just breathe a sigh of relief and shout "Finally!" (Shane will shout louder than everyone), then so the other half will just congratulate Lewis and Marnie. The Mayor is shocked. And feels like a complete arse and an idiot for not doing it sooner.

Shane is still sceptical about Marnie's choice, but it's her choice. The only thing he can do is make sure Lewis doesn't pull something like this in the future, or else the conflict won't be resolved simply by words.

[wifetomegatron]

prowl, cerebros, red alert & fort max drabble (brain fart basically). prowl looks too good for a funeral, first contact au. (the fleabag brainrot continues to fester so) imagine a scene where you have to attend a funeral of a distant relative member, most likely a cousin twice removed, and the family asks you to bring your boyfriend with you. The problem wasn't the fact that he turns into a cop car or stands five—six, he would lie — meters tall when he's not begrudgingly sizing himself down for the comfort of his human hosts, but it was the fact that he's an asshole. And this is relevant because he just can't seem to look awful enough to mourn. Instead, he looks —

" — amazing. What the fuck? "

You threw your hands up, and he had to grit his teeth and swallow a response, opting to huff in equal frustration. His doorwings flapped as he paced away from the full-length mirror. 

"I'm not doing this on purpose."

" Bullshit. I told you not to go for a finish yesterday why did you —"

" I didn't go! " He growled. Ex-venting before correcting his tone, still sounding upset, " I didn't even clean myself before I got here, which is disgusting because I feel filthy."

You shook your head. Defeated.

" The funeral's in fifteen minutes and you look like you've gotten your armor polished."

" What does it matter?" He complained, eyes briefly catching himself against the mirror.

" It matters because my cousin's dead and everyone's going to think I made you go through a car wash for it !"

" That's not a funny joke."

There was a knock at the door. Past through the gap, you can hear the distant hum of the organ, the sea of people dressed in black drowning in hushed murmurs. It was Cerebros. He had half his body past the doorway, peeking in.

" People are looking for — Primus, Prowl, did you get a new paint job?"

You and Prowl cursed, arms up in defeat once again. Cerebros closed the door behind him as Prowl went on his rant, hands itching to flip a table. But fortunately, you were in one of the empty closets of the church. A portrait of Christ by the window, looking down at you all in disappointment.

Prowl begins to pick on his doors, trying to wipe away some invisible dirt off his arms. The effort was enough to trick you into thinking that he actually cares about this stupid situation, or maybe his ego is just basking in the moment of looking too good for a funeral. 

" No matter what I do, my doorwings keep falling in this really... candid way! "

Bastard.

" You look perfect, Cerebros," Prowl huffed. The black and white bot looked at himself and frowned, " Thanks."

There was another knock, and you were partially relieved it was Fortress Maximus and Red Alert instead of one of your relatives. The one-point-one percenter glared at Prowl, which wouldn't be abnormal, except he regarded him quietly before adding to the fire.

" This is not good."

" See!" You yelled, tilting your head up and contemplating if you should just sink on your knees and pray that a comet would strike your boyfriend where he stands so he'll at least look beaten enough to pay his respect over the open casket. Otherwise, he looks like he's ready to receive an award from Optimus instead, shining under the sunlight, worthy of applause from all of Cybertron.

" I think you should just wipe the polish off your face," Red Alert suggested.

Prowl froze, turning to the three of you.

" I'm not wearing any polish."

" What?"