#can't believe they're in two months...
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class 10 2023-24 boards batch wya? :')
(no seriously though I could see a lot of posts with people preparing and panicking last year this year NOTHING?? are people actually carefully studying instead of posting online or does our batch just not care I need to know)
#pls I need ppl to share my pain with#can't believe they're in two months...#I feel so unprepared dude#also since my family's moving I might have to completely change my curriculum next year and do A levels??#life is horrible#I try not to talk about it too much or else I will spiral😀#cbse#cbse boards#fuck cbse#boards 2023#desiblr#desi stuff#desi student#class 10#desi studyblr#finals week#trey's terrors
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rewatched Kurogiri's holiday story from ultra impact (not related to sketch at all)
(but it did inspire me)
on another note
finally!!
#fanart#sketch#my art#bnha#shigaraki tomura#tenko shimura#kurogiri#I cried a bit while playing it I missed the classic LoV I missed Kurogiri WITH the LoV it's been so long :(#and it feels like last chapter (423 atm) broke the seal of sketching them as anything but something static#it took me two or so days to just understand that Kurogiri is... yeah#I can't believe it took Horikoshi so long to bring him back but as I said and will say it again I glad it happened at all#after some thought I just want to sit with the chapters#anyway getting the preordered book was so much fun#it was full of LoV from Toga and Dabi talking about her house to Tenko being upset over being told that he doesn't have friends#and everything in-between basically only Compress left to join in the next volume#I think????#I actually want to get another one already they're so goodddd#and the translation sounds pretty good but I checked some pages not the whole book it'll be boring#it's actually so weird to think that I started a goal of reading the whole series ad it was now officially coming out like this back in 201#and now it's 2024 and the translation is pretty much ahead of anime and maybe it'll be faster than viz volumes too#since it's 2 in 1 basically - I think it's really great since I save some money but get LoV chapters every time#because they appear every 2 books at the start of the series and back then it was hard for me to get them#but I felt content seeing all the books that I bought when I was visiting family for holidays this month because there are so many of them#and I don't need any wi-fi or internet in general to read them back to back now with an addictional volume#they have some mistakes but I don't mind them it feels good to just hold all of them (and a bit heavy after like 8 books) and now it's 18
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Love the fact that everyone's acting surprised that the We-Dump-Shit-In-The-Water country has had an outbreak of There's-Shit-In-The-Water disease.
#uk politics#Yeah there's been an e.coli outbreak#And everyone's talking about lettuce for some reason#As if they didn't set out warnings over high levels of THIS SPECIFIC BACTERIA in UK rivers like. Two months ago.#This (literal) shithole of a country just gets worse and worse!#Praying that whoever gets in next stops dumping literal shit in the water because. Um.#Because we don't want shit to be in the water?#I can't believe I'm having to justify this wtf#How do you explain to somebody why you don't want there to be shit in the water#It's ludicrous#John Snow (cholera guy not GoT) is turning in his grave#We've known for what almost two hundred years that dumping shit in water is a bad plan? And what do the tories do.#They dump. Shit. In the water.#I don't even know why they're doing it they Just Are.#fuck the tories#uk news
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.
#when you feel yourself falling headfirst into a depressive episode bc of all the bad stuff that's been happening in the last months and all#you wanna do is talk to your best friend about it but you can't bc your best friend cut you out of their life bc their new partner told them#that you're a crazy person who's bad for her and convinced them to stop being your friend and your just miss her#and you miss her and you miss her and you miss her and knowing you could be dead right now or could be dead in a month or a year or in 40 or#or 80 years without her even knowing or caring hurts it hurts like someone cut of a part of your limb and when you talk to people you#sometimes still make your inside jokes and no one will understand them and it will hurt again like the first moment she betrayed you and#told you all the bad stuff she know believes of you and then you'll remember this has all happened before and you were a fool for trusting#them again after what had happened the first time but you did and the hurt never stops bc she was your best friend for so long and you two#thought you were soulmates once and you apparently were not and now it hurts still and every time something good or bad or very bad happens#you wanna talk to her and tell her and you wonder how they are doing but he cut you out and told you horrible things and accused you of#terrible stuff that you didn't even understood where it came from and you know you can never be friends again bc you know there's no way#you will ever be able to trust her again but you wonder#you wonder how his life has been going and she's happy and if they're health and whether they think about you too sometimes#and sometimes you're scared for her bc all has been scratchy and you know nothing about what even happend and you suspect he's in an abusive#situation but you don't know bc they blocked you everywhere even duolingo and goodreads and she deleted her tumblr which she didnt last time#and when you were at the hospital every second of every minute of every day your fingers itched to text her about your terrible roommate and#when you were there again they itched to call her bc you were so scared but that will never happen again and now that all the bad stuff has#happened you kno lw you can deal on your own and you're strong enough to do it but it still hurts and will it ever stop?
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kaito and sonoko deserve to be online friends i think
#drop#dcmk#detective conan#magic kaito#i like to think kaito leaves thorough reviews on kaito kid x reader fics#he's infamous in the fandom and people treat getting a review from him like a rite of passage for fanfiction writers#sonoko is extremely popular in the fandom#kaito ends up making an alt account on the forums because he finds it funny#and they end up becoming friends#they are the most terrifying duo.#bc it's anonymous they talk about their insane lives to each other. both of them think the other is making shit up#bc how the hell are you supposed to believe this person runs into dead bodies every month or knows a real life witch#they make theories about kid together. sonoko has 3848473 headcanons and kaito can't bring himself to correct her#also some of them are absolutely correct. they're extremely specific and kaito is terrified#this is extra funny bc there's so many potential identity reveals.#YOU'RE that bitch leaving critical reviews of every kaito kid fic on the internet?!?!#you're SUZUKI SONOKO???#YOU'RE????? KAITO KID????#every time they think theyve recovered from the last plot twist another one hits them straight in the face#i am so sorry im stopping there i literally will never shut up about these two#my favorite dynamic in dcmk period doesn't even exist in canon and that says a lot about me i think
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Scrimbly Jacqueline 6/52 as per this poll's (current) results:
This dress gives MAJOR frolic vibes and DOES end with Jacqueline frolicking through the Western province's meadows and, y'know, maybe accidentally lightly frosting up the blooms which leads to. Well. This:
Scrimbly Aunt Spring!!! I'm very proud of her, lol. She's so ANGY I'm CACKLING, VERY proud of that expression >:)
EDIT: APPARENTLY I CLICKED POST BEFORE YEETING MYSELF INTO THE SHOWER INSTEAD OF SAVE DRAFT ?? WHOOPS. ETA LINKS AND THE FUCKING. PHOTO I SAID I ADDED THEN DIDN'T. GAH. PLZ REBLOG THIS VERSION 💀💀💀
The filter I chose for purposes of scanning and sharing does NOT do the colours justice, the greens ARE different shades and the yellow on her hands is more green too lmao. I am working with LIMITED COLOURS. I've had to bring pencil crayons into the mix 😂😂😂😂. That's why the scrimbly jacquie isn't bright/crisp!! camscan refused to pick up the pencil crayons :(
But I've learnt that the oven light is PRETTY ALRIGHT.
I had some other colour options for Jacqueline's dress:
I went with the usual blue, of course, but these guys were TEMPTING. Some ACTUALLY scrimbly Jacquies for y'all since uh, my scrimbles are more like proper doodles???? Not changing THAT tag tho lol.
SO YEAH. HAD A DREAM AGES AGO THAT INVOLVED JACQUELINE AND BLAISE VISITING A SCHOOL AND ENTERTAINING KIDS WITH CS STORIES?? My actual dream, to have CS be an actual book with so much RANGE actors go to schools dressed as the characters and bring joy to children (it's me I'm actors I WOULD get my own Jacqueline costume and spread the joy 💃🏻😎💕❄️)
Here's the uh, scanned and filtered version for purposes of colour lol. Which is apparently a thing I will be doing with the scrimbles now!!
Learning to use the markers has been FUN.
ANYWAY!! ENJOY MY TERRIBLE ATTEMPT AT THE DRESS!! 💕
#dani doodles#scrimbly jacquelines#cs posting#crystal springs#it looked a bit different in the dream??? but it was a haute minute ago tbh#the sleeves are like. the lil indents are holes??? idk the porper word but they're gaps!!!#and the light blue is the sleeve below it!!#GOD CAN'T BELIEVE I POSTED THIS ACCIDENTALLY. HOW DID I EVEN DO THAT???#there is a lesson here kids. the lesson is. dont edit a post on mobile before popping over to the bathroom to shower#anyway.#tsc#jacqueline frost#idk what usual tags i use?? i am too boggled by the accidental post#I WAS JUST THINKING AFTER I SHOWERED AND MOISTURIZED AND DID MY LIL MANI PEDI#HMM. IS 11 O'CLOCK TOO LATE TO POST THIS???#NOT AT ALL. BC APPARENTLY IT WENT UP TWO HOURS AGO#I'VE. BECOME SO NUMB!!#anyway i'm excited for this month's jacquelines!!!!#a frostmas AND a diteline cuddle???#frosmas is beating diteline rn but since next week is valentines diteline will probz go up#THEN frostmas#even tho y2 will be on ao3 the day before lmao#then hopefully cute married diteline with kids oneshot!!!#FINGERS CROSSED#AND DW CS IS BEING WORKED ON. SLOWLY.#i'm on the last scene with the cold front and i 🥺🥺🥺
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getting tired of myself and everything around me again 😐
#tfw your identity hinges on the people you love because you dunno how to love yourself or control your life#despite that being the only thing you truly want more than anything in the world... and love is probably a very close second but.#i'm so tired of not treating myself well or living my life. istg i need to internet detox for like a month or some shit. start reading again#finishing cleaning my house or at least get more done... i need to reconnect with life instead of continuing to live in delusions#because they're safe and make me happy but they also rot my soul away and steal my life and my energy and just.#i don't think it's bad to believe the impossible or anything but i'm tired of disappointing myself by getting my hopes up lmao#like i clearly know the reality is never gonna match the dream. this is why i escaped the first two times bc it's more pain than it's worth#i can't hinge my identity on anyone but myself or i'll crumble and die like i just can't do it anymore. it's so evil#if i never find love that actually exists for me then at least i'll cultivate a world where i can live comfortably alone. sigh.#like no one can even coddle me abt this or reassure me bc it's just such a stupid and childish thing to begin w/ LMAO like. time to grow up#put the toys down. 😮💨
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Me: has my sixth sudden crying spell of the week
Also me: "yeah but I'm probably not ACTUALLY depressed"
#gonna be honest boys. I have been feeling like dogshit#started with me having a good ol' existential spiral at 4 am a week ago and now I don't even know what's bothering me#and then there's all of the bad stuff going on making me anxious for myself and everybody on top of everything#all the abhorrent transphobia has been making me feel worried for the future#(as if the passing of time doesn't already horribly scare me but I digress)#idk man. I already feel like I'm unequipped for the future because I've realized I never thought I'd still be alive right now#majority of my childhood was filled with adults preaching at me to think about where I'd be going in the afterlife so I did just that#that plus they were the type to believe that the rapture is soon cause “the signs are all coming true”#so I always thought that either that would happen or I'd die before now#well. I'm still here and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.#and I'm lonely. really fucking lonely and I'm going mad cause of it#never had actual friends besides the kids I was with at my old private school. now they're all raging conservatives who mock minorities#I was able to get away but moving on isn't as easy as I hoped#it'd be so much easier to betray all my beliefs and act ignorant again so I can have my friends back#but of course I can't do that. I can't throw out who I am and all of the wonderful people I know who would be “sinful” in their eyes#idk man. I think I've finally reached the breakdown I've been feeling coming for the past two years#fuck. sorry for this trauma dump of a post. I've just felt numb for months and now everything's catching up to me#needed to yell about it I guess#vent#phoenix prattles
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When you realize you find an actual person attractive that's not Bruce Campbell
#the shitposter speaks#not me slowly simping for yet another man in his 60s#i can't believe they’re almost the same age#they're apparently a year two months and 13 days apart
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Three separate large scale art projects save me
Save me three separate large scale art projects
#it's manageable i just can't believe i did this to myself lmao#two are for art collabs and events and one is smthn I've had sitting around for months i wanna finally finish#they're all gonna be done by the end of the month 😤#shai speaks#how the hell is it only like 3:45 daylight savings has gone too far <- he hasn't seen the sun set at 5pm yet
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i don't feel like studying any of the subjects from The Plan rn but everything else is so boring that i also don't want to waste time on like watching content or something and i would rather switch subjects then give up on studying for the day and by old me standards ive already done enough but new me i still feel like i can do more but i don't know what ughhhhh this is torture
#okay so The Plan is#i mean not that anyone would care or understand but i like writing on tumblr like a diary#The Plan is to finish law in one month so i can give the online test and this js non negotiable because there's two#online tests and i have to do ATLEAST one before this year ends or it will be too much#and then to finish my backlog of direct tax till like 10th so i can give that test and be caught up with the rest of the class#and there's about 35 more 2 hr lectures to go (rip me)#oh also i haven't touched audit in ages and backlog is getting to the i can't breathe under this burden levels and classes resume on like#10th 11th something and i want to rejoin with them#the plan is to have all this done by november so in December#i can focus on catching the fuck up with fr and afm because like ive attented SOME classes like sparingly#and i know it but very upar upar se so i have to do it properly once or ill die#yeah that's it that's The Plan#it's doable i think i calculated hours days wise and everything#but like. theory subjects are fucking hard to do constantly because either they're boring asf (like law and audit)#or they're complicated and make me cry from frustration (like direct tax)#mann.#now that im actually studying#i feel so irrationally scared for how chill and like. blaise attitude i had towards inter exam#i had absolutely no idea everyone else was studying so deeply like tax syllabus first half is the exact same as inter#just a little advanced and sir keeps saying ye toh aapne inter mein padha hi tha and im like hain??? bhai itna sab tha????? i had no clue😭#like how tf did i pass my dad says not to tell anyone that i didn't really study for it cause ppl will think#aise hi farzi ca finalist ban gayi but like tunblr so wtvr#but yeah how tf??? could i pass???????#like i actually start to panic when i think about how less i had studied which makes no sense since it's not like they can#take away the result or reverse it or anything it doesn't matter now#but like just woah. like i can't even explain#i remember for tax all i watchef was marathon and usme bhi i got bored (THE DAY BEFORE EXAM!!!) so i skipped#the main topics that had crazy weightage and just did a number of tiny topics and studied only enough#to get passing#dt irl is VAST i can't believe these people learn such specific things that if iss date se iss date mein hai toh section 54 ka exemption
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roommates. bad.
so bad.
#wren does college#i can't believe i have like two and a half more months of this shit#stop FUCKING SINGING#stop SLAMMING YOUR DOOR#stop LEAVING LIGHTS ON WHEN NO ONE IS THERE#stop LEAVING THE FRONT DOOR WIDE OPEN?????#stop LEAVING DISHES IN THE SINK FOR DAYS#how the FUCK is my unmedicated ass one of the most polite roommates in this place#istg they're all only children who have never lived in dorms before#and this one bitch keeps singing love on the brain and she's not bad but i don't want to hear it between classes#i am slamming my head against any and all flat surfaces available
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Everlasting Trio DPxDC Nobody Knows Au
I love nobody knows aus.
I love aus where danny flees to Gotham after a Bad Time with his parents.
So what if:
Sam moves to Gotham for college after graduation. Tucker has flown down from MIT over the semester break to spend the month with her. They've stayed very close knit.
They're having brunch at a small cafe maybe a week in, and suddenly Sam's hand darts across the table and grips his forearm so tight it hurts.
He startles and asks her what's wrong, but she doesn't answer. She's too busy staring across the room with a haunted look on her face. Tucker follows her gaze and goes cold and still with shock and disbelief.
They're both frozen because that? That looks like Danny.
Danny, their childhood best friend. Danny who came to their freshman year of high school a little different. Withdrawn.
Danny who kept pulling away and making excuses no matter how hard they tried to engage him, who looked more tired and ragged with every passing week.
Danny who disappeared without a trace shortly after he turned sixteen and who, though it largely went unspoken, they believed dead and gone forever.
"It's not," Tucker whispers weakly. "It can't be, right?"
The guy across the cafe is older than the kid they remember, of course. Around twenty, exactly how old they are. How old Danny should be. He's tall, tall like they and Jazz always assured Danny he would be once he hit a growth spurt and into his dad's genes.
His nails are painted and his ears are pierced and his hair is a little longer, but he sits in front of his papers and computer with eerily familiar bad posture and a pen tapping at his bottom lip like their Danny always did when he tried to focus.
He looks leagues healthier than their Danny did before he went missing.
He huffs a breath out of his nose and pokes his bottom lip out as he scowls at something on his screen, and before Tucker can even process the gut punch of such a familiar mannerism Sam is out of her chair and halfway across the cafe.
Tucker scrambles after her with half coherent protests.
He reaches the table as Sam slams herself down into the chair across from the doppelganger, the guy jerking in surprise and blinking up at his two unexpected guests with confusion and alarm.
Then, slowly, Tucker watches his face go pale and the confusion be replaced with dawning shock, recognition and something unreadable.
"Oh," Danny breathes.
#danny phantom#sam manson#tucker foley#everlasting trio#dc x dp#theyll get involved with the bats somehow#if danny isnt already#not sure how yet#anticipating the delicious reveal of your miraculously alive friend actually being dead after all and has been for longer than you thought
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housewardens + Jamil (separately) with a reader who is their s/o and reader is low-key their simp
like they won't worship the ground they walk on, but they just.. admire..??
like reader and the character will be hanging out, on a date, or in class or something and reader just sighs dreamily and looks at them with a look of like "im the luckiest person alive." because they love them so much
and if caught the reader won't be embarrassed and will just be like "you're so pretty." or "I'm so happy we're dating"
ik it's cringe lol but if I had one of these men as my boyfriend (cough Idia cough) I would literally just admire them so much because I love them so much and they're so freaking pretty
SWEEEEP I love fluff I love a healthy couple
*ੈ✩‧₊˚ abject admiration
summary: close enough. welcome back gomez addams! type of post: headcanons characters: riddle, leona, azul, kalim, jamil, vil, idia, malleus additional info: romantic, FLUFFY!, reader is gender neutral, reader is yuu, established relationship
Riddle used to hate being stared at. it felt like judgment, like he was being put on trial for something he didn't do. as if the world was just... waiting for him to make a mistake so it could punish him. the first time he catches you staring, long before you were together, he almost had your head for it. now, the feeling of your eyes on him has become a comfort, though your words of admiration, your praises and affection, still make him blush
*ੈ✩‧₊˚
Leona couldn't even remember the last time his parents told him they loved him. so when he hears it from you, his first instinct is to push you away. he thinks it's justified; you must want something, I mean, who would be so nice to him for no reason?
well, you. you would
he'd never admit it, but these days, he goes out of his way to do nice things for you, to make himself look and smell good, just to get more of your praises
*ੈ✩‧₊˚
"you're so beautiful" and Azul crumbles. as cunning as he is, you could have him eating out of the palm of your hand if you really wanted to. he considers himself a fortunate soul, because all you ask for in return is his time and affection
your compliments are better than any deal, your voice more melodious than any song. the very thought that you think he is pretty... him, of all people... well, you could bring him to his knees with a word
*ੈ✩‧₊˚
fawning over Kalim is absolutely impossible. he's not competitive by nature, but what you give him, he gives back ten times over. one kiss turns into ten, two gifts into twenty, and, of course, one praise turns into an entire soliloquy. you're lucky to have him? he's luckier than the richest man in the world, the most powerful mage, he insists even the Sorcerer of the Sands himself would fall to his knees and weep if he were to see your beauty. you're his sun, his moon, and his stars, and he never lets you forget it
*ੈ✩‧₊˚
Jamil had never been in love, let alone in a relationship, before you. you're his first everything... and that means you're his first admirer, too. honestly, he's not really sure whether to believe you or not at first. "I'm so happy we're dating," surely, you're not talking about him...?
but you are. he can't even fathom why, but you are
...sometimes, it's better not to question everything
*ੈ✩‧₊˚
Vil gets his fair share of compliments, and rightfully so. he's put in the work, he deserves the recognition. and, for Seven's sake, Rook is his vice housewarden- he can't escape compliments
but... somehow, they're so much different coming from you. maybe it's the way you say things, soft and gentle and full of admiration, maybe it's your voice, or maybe it's just because it's you. because he knows that when you say you're happy with him, you mean him, not the brand, not the image, not what he's expected to be. just... him. it's true love
*ੈ✩‧₊˚
Idia.exe has stopped working
even after months of dating, you still manage to catch him off guard with your "cringe couple stuff", as he calls it. it's... very distracting. you'll be mid-game, staring at him, and when he asks if you hit your head on the way in, you'll say something like "just thinking about how pretty you are" and his brain will short circuit. it's too bad he can't patch that... he'd love to respond without melting into an Idia-shaped puddle
*ੈ✩‧₊˚
being head over heels for Malleus is both a blessing and a curse. on one hand, he'll reciprocate that energy. on the other hand, he'll reciprocate that energy. even a simple "you look nice today" sends him over the moon with joy, and he will unapologetically cling to your side like the needy thing he is for the rest of the day, glaring at anyone who dares to take your attention off of him for more than twelve seconds. but, hey, you know what you like. you agreed to date him in the first place, after all
#twisted wonderland x reader#twst x reader#queued#riddle rosehearts x reader#leona kingscholar x reader#azul ashengrotto x reader#kalim al asim x reader#jamil viper x reader#vil schoenheit x reader#idia shroud x reader#malleus draconia x reader
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i'm a big fan of your writing! can i ask what made simon want to mail order a bride in the first place? thanks <3
mail-order bride
he's tired of staring across his dinner table and seeing nothing but empty space.
it isn't something he had thought about in the before. he's spent a long time shifting between different cots, collecting sand from faraway places and counting the bodies he dropped with tally marks against his boots.
there's a picture he keeps tucked into his vest, but he won't take it out. it sits heavy there, an invisible wall between himself and the outside world, a reality that he chooses not to believe. if he doesn't look at them, he won't think of them, and if he doesn't think of them, maybe he can pretend they were never even real.
they all have something outside of here. his sergeants are too pretty and too outgoing to stick around; they're social butterflies, and simon has seen the shuffle of pictures of some pretty girl that gaz can't stop staring at, and soap never shuts up--whenever they have a signal, he's somehow got a phone call with his cousin's stepfather's little sister, or it's his second cousin's brother-in-law's birthday, and he's got to wish him well since he missed his art exhibition last month.
even price has a pale circular shadow that is stained onto his ring finger.
it's not his fault, is it? it's not his fault he was dealt the worst fucking hand. it wasn't his fault he was born already two feet into the grave; it couldn't have been his fault that he can only get a good night's sleep when there's screaming in one ear or the rattle of a battlefield over his head.
it isn't his fault. it isn't his fault. it isn't his fault.
the cigarettes taste bland today. they're old, stale, and he can taste the bitterness already, but he lights it anyways, flicking ash into the ground, scrunching his nose until he gets used to the bite of it.
there's a shadow at his side, and he turns to snap at them, assuming it's johnny and his incessant nagging, but he holds his tongue when he realizes it's his captain.
he's got a warm cigar in one hand, and he leans against the concrete wall beside him, sighing deep, the kind of pensive weight that only a captain can bear.
price looks tired. he needs to go home.
"boys invited y'out, didn't they?" price asks, and simon chuckles lowly.
"'m olready 'ome," simon murmurs. "'n i can get piss drunk oll on my own 'ere."
price shrugs.
"ya haven't taken leave since you joined my team, simon," he says low. "can't have that. you know it."
simon shrugs.
"can try and make me go," simon tells him. "but y'know i won't leave."
"i'm not asking, simon," price says firmly. "'m telling."
"doesn't matter," simon takes a long drag of the cigarette, holding it in for a second too long before letting it out slow. "got nowhere ta go."
his captain is not blind. simon's on a one-way road, and the end of it stops at the end of someone else's gun. men like simon, the ones who have nothing to lose, they're dangerous. they clear rooms outnumbered thirty to one because no one thinks they can. they hit targets from thousands of yards away because it's the only place that never changes. they kill and sleep peacefully because the blood of a stranger is far cleaner than that of someone they know, of someone they love.
they'll never leave because war is familiar. they don't want to go home because home isn't something they know. they're nomads, taking with them only what they can carry, because the rest is baggage and an emotional weight that they aren't strong enough to carry.
but it doesn't mean men like simon don't want. it doesn't mean they don't wish for more. it doesn't mean they don't think about using their teeth for something other than baring them to show their dominance, their aggression, their insecurity.
simon's a protector. the way he shoves his men behind him says so. the steadiness of his voice over comms when the op goes to shit. the ease of his hand when he ties a tourniquet. the split second that simon never wastes, the way he uses his body as armor and the look he gives his men when they're scared. simon's died twice before, and the look in his eyes tells them that this isn't it, that this isn't death, because he'd fucking know--he'd recognize it if he saw it.
simon's unrelenting. his past, his trauma, it's tried to beat him into a shape that will bend and snap, but its obvious simon is not made of lead--fuck, he's an entire block of unmovable steel. he does not give when compressed, he does not crack when the strength of him is tested. simon's fought too hard to live to let a gun terrify him, he's endured too much torture to flinch when someone sinks a blade into his chest.
but he knows, simon knows, that there is something missing. he fought hard to live, but for what? he's endured, but what the fuck is there when he lays his head down at night?
simon's a lover. he tries so hard to convince himself that he's always been this way--alone, drifting, lost, but it's a lie. simon knows what it's like to want. he knows what it's like to look into a crowd and hope you see a familiar face. he understands wanting to pull that string taut, but he also understands what it can do to you. what it can take from you.
he understands what you can never get back.
he thinks this is a bad idea. he crumples the note paper in his hand that had the address scribbled onto it, tearing it, staring up at the house in front of him. it's quaint, a lovely little house in the outskirts of london, with a red chimney and overturned planters in the yard. there's a weathered wooden door, a porch step that needs fixing, and when he kicks open the door, he grimaces seeing a carpet that need's replacing.
"the fuck am i doin' 'ere?" he whispers to himself, sliding his mask off, running a hand over his face. his heart is pounding, but he's not sure why, but he catches his reflection in the window. what looks back at him terrifies him--he can't do this.
he makes his way back outside, rummaging through his pockets for a cigarette. he takes a seat on the steps, lighting it, and as he takes his first frantic drag, he sees the torn pages of the note still on the ground. he picks up one end of it, running his thumb over the crumpled paper there, smudging the pencil scribble there.
she needs you
it's written in price's ugly handwriting, letters all tilted to the side and barely legible, but he still can read what price didn't write--and you need her.
but simon doesn't need anyone. he barely needs himself, barely can take care of himself. this won't help him--he can't help anyone, he isn't the kind that can be this kind of thing for anyone. he's stayed in the service because at least this way, he can die with honor, he can prove them all wrong, he can at least be remembered for what he could do and not by what was done to him.
his touch is ice. his heart is buried too deep under his ribs; no one has seen it since he could finally register a memory. his face, the skin he wears--he's not a pretty man, he's a forgettable one. he isn't gentle, he isn't capable of it. he can't forgive. he's so quick to anger, likes to snap his teeth, and he cannot be the kind of thing that they all expect him to be.
he does not love himself. he will not love himself. so he cannot love another.
there is a certain kind of satisfaction he feels when he fixes the porch step. once abandoned, once a nuisance, and now it functions as intended. he feels the same kind of thing when he rips up the stained carpet, and he feels it again when he watches the seeds of the thyme leaves grow as they rest in a pot above the sink.
things once forgotten serve a purpose. with effort, they can be used again. they don't have to be replaced, they can be open anew, they can live again and breathe deeper and see through the lens of a different perspective.
when you climb the porch steps the first time, he thinks about the board that doesn't wobble any longer. when the door shuts behind you for the first time and you take off your boots, he thinks about the new carpet that warms your toes now.
and when you lay next to him for the first time, under the covers of the bed he's made, he reaches over and slips a few fingers around your wrist, thumbing at the base of it and swallowing hard when he feels the pulse of your heartbeat. it beats, warm and steady, to a beat familiar, one he knows. his heart has not been hiding under thick bone and the tar of his own blood.
it's here now. under your skin. and now it's home.
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steve's been knocking on doors trying to find eddie. he would be annoyed that all he's found are couples and groups in states of undress but this is some random house party, so it's what steve expects.
plus he's too relieved that he hasn't walked in on eddie being a part of any of it.
steve knows it's gross to feel this way. he trusts eddie 100%. it's not right to let past relationship problems cloud his judgement when it comes to what he has with eddie - who hasn't given him any reason to doubt.
but eddie is so new. been together for only 2 months now new.
and tommy was so old. childhood friend/fucked up situationship for 10 long years old. just ended for good a year and a half ago old.
so even though he knows, hopes, prays, that it's ridiculous to compare the two together, steve still checks the bathroom and makes sure the man on his knees in front of some blonde cheerleader isn't his boyfriend.
and then promptly ducks down to avoid a brush the blonde cheerleader throws at him.
'sorry!' steve apologizes. he hurries to slam the door closed and makes his way to the very last room at the end of the hallway.
maybe he left? eddie didn't want to serve here anyway, rich druggie clientele be damned. so even though they came together, maybe eddie had an emergency and-
steve cuts that thought off because well. he found eddie.
'baby!!' his boyfriend exclaims, alone, sitting on the floor in the middle of some random strangers room with a jar of peanut butter. he's got a spoon full of it half way up to his mouth and his eyes are red.
at least 4 brownies deep red.
the wave of relief he feels is actually pretty concerning, but steve will think about that some other time since he's too busy trying not to laugh at how ridiculous the long haird idiot looks.
'eddie, what are you doing?'
eddie looks guilty and for a split second steve thinks maybe he did walk in on eddie with someone else. (maybe he's waiting on them? maybe they already left?)
then eddie holds up the jar of peanut butter and says in the saddest voice, 'i needed it stevie, i don't remember how long it's been since i've had peanut butter. but i didn't think you'd find me! stay back! don't you come any closer!'
so this whole time while steve's been worried that eddie was off doing what tommy used to do to make him jealous, eddie just snuck off and hid away to eat peanut butter because steves' allergic.
starting to snicker, steve goes to sit across from him. 'i can be around it babe, im not gonna die.'
eddie rushes to close the jar, spoon shoved inside and all. he gives steve the stink eye. 'i know what peanut allergies can do to some people. i refuse to watch you blow up like a tomato.'
steve rolls his eyes and reaches out, acting like he's gonna touch the jar.
eddie yells. jumping to his feet, he scurries out of the closet like an over grown rat, 'steve harrington this is exactly why I was trying to eat this away from you!'
steves laughing now, giggling like a hyena. he can't believe he ever doubted this man.
later that night - after eddie has showered and brushed his teeth at least three times - when they're tucked away in eddies room under the covers, steve talks to him about his freak out. eddie apologizes for leaving him alone at a strangers party like that. he holds him close, gives steve a ton of kisses and promises to create a DND character that represents tommy.
'i'll turn him into a toad and kill him off in the most gruesome way imaginable. he'll be murdered to death, the kids will be traumatized. it'll be great. just you wait and see, my love.'
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