#I try not to talk about it too much or else I will spiral😀

[carbonbasedmatter]

class 10 2023-24 boards batch wya? :')

(no seriously though I could see a lot of posts with people preparing and panicking last year this year NOTHING?? are people actually carefully studying instead of posting online or does our batch just not care I need to know)

[rweoutofthewoods]

hey there, sorry to bother you. i just finished reading ppp and you said in a chapter’s notes that you have bpd yourself, and you wrote james’s experiences based on yours. i just wanted to ask, and you really don’t have to answer if you don’t want to — how much does james’s character relate to real life? like, how much does it relate to a real life person? (i don’t know if i got the message across)

i got told by a doctor that i display bpd symptoms myself, but this was several years ago and eventually the diagnosis turned out to be something else. after i realised i relate to james’s character a little too much, i started to wonder if maybe that doctor those years ago was on to something. so, this is my first step i guess.

thank you for what you wrote, anyway.

Hi!! So sorry if I’m misunderstanding but I think what you’re asking is how accurate is James’ character as a portrayal of a real life someone with BPD?

Yes I do indeed have BPD, ppp James touches on a lot of the experience BUT it’s not perfect. The main aspect of BPD I kind of focused on is something that I have heard a lot of other people describe too. The feeling of emptiness and like there’s just some black pit inside of you, trying to consume you. That’s just one aspect, and my biggest regret in writing pathological people pleaser is that I didn’t capture some of the obsessive and relationship aspects. That’s why I really want to write more BPD James actually, because I want to represent the like hyper awareness in every relationship that happens. I want to write a scene where reg texts James back weirdly or says something and James thinks his tone is a little off and he just spirals and loses his mind only to come to later and be like… oops that was a little dramatic wtf.

There’s also a lot of other experiences like the impulsivity that I touched on a bit but not quite enough. Like the way you can convince yourself during an episode that your narrative is 100% correct and your feelings are how you’ll always feel only to snap out of and be like damn what the fuck was I thinking 😭 (usually AFTER doing something stupid and impulsive). BPD really does not stop until ur in treatment and working hard, and I don’t think people quite understand it unless you’ve lived it. EVEN I have made decisions IN FANDOM (😭) like impulsively taking all my fics down during an episode and after, I did have people be like yo what was that?? and the truth is you have no proper explanation because during the time it 10000% feels like this is what I NEED to do. This is the right decision I’ll never feel okay again or change my mind. Then oops, the episode ends and you’re like haha WHAT WAS THAT 😀

So I hope that helps paint a picture of what BPD is actually like and some of the gaps James’ character does have in properly representing BPD. It is only my own experience of it, and I’m not really the violent aggressive kind of BPD, it usually turns inwards (aside from some pretty awful road rage, ngl that’s when the anger episodes rlly comes out and that’s EMBARRASSING) so it is very influenced by my own lived experiences and I can’t speak on how anyone else experiences BPD. If you’re wondering about yourself I implore you to talk to a medical professional!! Even if you don’t have it, it doesn’t hurt to find out for sure. Wishing you luck and lots of love 🫶