#can't believe i hyperfixated on them for like two weeks

[zira-draws]

my contribution to maxley apocalypse (feeling a little bit insane)

[disposal-blueeee]

man that last shot took so long only for me to BLUR IT so hey here's the clean shot

( DON'T FIGHT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS !!!!

Todd, how are you doing? Are you happy living with Edgar and Scriabin?

[alexjcrowley]

I realised my passion for crossover has just created a multiverse of, I don't fucking know, detectives and supernatural stuff (no, it's NOT superwholock)

So we start by assuming, like some already did, that Q from the Daniel Craig's James Bond movies is the fourth Holmes's siblings. So you get four Holmes: Mycroft, Sherlock, Eurus and Q. But then Q in clearly in a romantic relationship with James Bond.

Now it's undeniable that James Bond has a twin brother, Benoit Blanc, who is the world's most famous detective, and he is married to Philip (Hugh Grant). You can clearly notice from Benoit's...everything (passion for mistery and fasion sense most of all) that he is related to Fred Jones from Scooby Doo, he and Philip are in fact Fred's parents.

To conclude this part of multiverse of hyperfixation, James Bond exists in the same world of a bunch of teenagers with 1970's van and a talking dog. I cannot stress how important it is for me that Sherlock Holmes DOES NOT solve the mustery of why Scooby Doo can talk.

But let's now expand in a different direction.

For some of you who might not be acquainted with the medical drama House MD, it's one of the gayest shows ever made on God's green earth. And, as all the fans know, the REAL finale is House and Wilson running away together after all Wilson's problems suddenly disappeared (I am phrasing it like that because I don't want to spoil it). Now, of course they can't live in America because House can't exactly recover from his own Reichenbach falls, so obviously they have go to London. Like, no questions asked.

And as many have already speculated they are probably the married couple Mrs Hudson's friend was renting an apartment to.

Sherlock-Watson and House-Wilson have a complicated dynamic going on, I just know they suspect of eachothers because there's something wrong with the other couple.

London comes, of course, with all it inhabitants, such as Crowley and Aziraphale (whose supernatural presence could explain Scooby Doo being able to talk???? Maybe he is an ex-infernal hound sent to Shaggy??? Was Shaggy another aborted attempt at an Antichrist?????). I really likes to believe they're House-Wilson and Sherlock-Watson neighbours. And every one of these three couples tries to pretend they're a very normal couple, and not, like, non-human or a Government's resource or technically dead.

But also, you must not forget, London comes with Hob Gadling, the immortal lover of Sandman, who might as well exist in this universe, because why the fuck not, he stole the "meet every x years" idea from Crowley, the goddamn poser. Hob Gadling and Crowley clocked eachothers in a minute and now the two couples have dinners together because "they're the only other supernatural couple in the neighbourhood, we should befriend them!" (said Aziraphale and Hob while Crowley and Morpheus sighed).

ALSO to House MD fans I want to remind you that Wilson got arrested in Louisiana when he met House and there's a popular headcanon going on that Benoit Blanc is from Louisiana so do you think??? Benoit Blanc one day happened to interact with the police department of a city in Louisiana and a policeman was like "hey last week you missed a guy from New Jersey who deadass smashed an ancient mirror in a bar because they were playing a song he didn't like on the jukebox". And Benoit was like (I can't write his dialogues I am so sorry) "Mmhh yeah muhst say thur arh sum jingles I simply cannut grow fund of but by Guhd to,,, smash an ancient mirruh that wuld be bee-YOnd mahself"

And these connections are all canonical in my mind. (There are crossover fanfics between Good Omens and Sandman, and between House and BBC Sherlock, and between Sherlock and the James Bond franchise, and between House and Good Omens- there's a fic I really like with these fandoms- and there's a drawing I also reblogged on Tumblr of Fred presenting Benoit Blanc as his dad).

So, basically, in my head, Sherlock is highly pissed off by Benoit Blanc being considered the best detective in the world though he respects him, Q is Fred Jones's uncle and probably added a lot of cool MI6 features to the mystery machine, Gregory House, notorious atheist, lives in the same universe of angels and demons and the Sandman and pisses off Sherlock Holmes costantly just because they don't like eachothers, Hob Gadling amd Crowley looked at eachothers once and they knew neither of them were humans, Aziraphale and Crowley always stumble in every other characters' shenanigans and once in a while throw a miracle their way and Hugh Grant/Philip makes cupcakes for everyone.

And if you really want me to be precise, Dead Poet Society lore counts for Wilson, but Neil didn't, well, if you saw the movie you know.

And I know they are technically not correlated, but I would love to find a way to connect Dirk Gently, Todd Brotzman and The Rowdy Three in all this.

There's a part 2 to this post here

[wannaeatramyeon]

uhm could you possibly do jealous lookism character headcanons? (._.)

Thanks for the ask anon! This has been a wild 2 weeks of hyperfixating for me and I'm starting to dry up so this has come as a good time (altho I've got lots of drafts sitting around lol)

This has been super interesting. Some characters obv have a jealous personality, but I've never thought about those who don't. This will def become a multi-parter!

Most jealous here!

Lookism jealous headcanons: least jealous

Let's start with these guys first (Jake, Vasco, Gun, Daniel, Eli): hc for being jealous themselves, and hc for you trying to make them jealous

Jake Kim

To be with Mr. Butt, you would have developed a pretty good relationship anyway to move into the romantic terrority. He knows you are loyal and trusts you implicitly.

Any naturally occuring feelings of jealousy are for him to deal with on his own. Will take a bit of poking and prodding before he talks to you about it.

But if you're trying to provoke him? Why are you even trying to make him jealous? Two can play at this game if you're trying to be a pain in the ass. He'll try and talk things through with you first, to see if he's pissed you off. But if you carry on? Expect him in full silly mode: kneeling down before you, shouting his apologies, announcing his feelings, literally begging you to stop flirting with this ugly nobody.

Vasco Tabasco

Rarely, if ever, gets jealous. He's just so happy to be with you. It's one thing if you're in trouble, but if he notices someone is being overly friendly but you're nonplussed? He just looks at you with heart eyes: "Ahhh look at Y/N. They're so cute and pretty! I can't believe they're with me!!"

If you're provoking Vasco then good luck. He wouldn't really understand your actions but will be upset about how he is feeling. "Do you like them more than me, Y/N? :(((" The sad face is enough to guilt you into stopping. Really, it's like kicking a puppy. Why would you do that.

Gun Park

Feeling jealous of his own accord? Guess being with you proves he is human afterall. He's arrogant, confident but aware of his own limitations. Jealousy isn't an emotion he's well acquaintained with. Will result in him brooding or being extra cold until he can put his finger on it and figure out the next steps.

Lucky for you, Gun is pretty forthright. He'll tell you what has been making him jealous so you can both work through it.

Trying to make him jealous? Also good luck. Gun will see right through your attempts. Depends what mood he is in. At times he's amused but generally he will ignore you and your childishness.

Daniel Park

Yes, he's had a glow up in his first body and yes, he gets lots of attention in his second but that doesn't erase years and years of bullying and hating himself. The feelings of inadequacy will overwhelm and cause him to shrink back into himself.

He'll need a lot of reassurance that you love him for him. It's better if you don't focus too much on his appearance. "What happens if one day I put on weight again? or when I get old? Will you still like me then? :("

Provoking him? Please don't be so mean to Daniel. Especially if you know about his insecurities. This is more of a reflection on you and your issues if you're purposely making him jealous. Shame on you.

Eli Jang

Tends to get jealous if he thinks someone else is a better provider for you: physically, romantically, mentally, financially etc. Being the Big Daddy for Eli means he should be able to do it all, and then some. He will get in his head if he thinks someone else is better suited to you.

For Eli, actions speak louder than words - show him how much you love him and he has nothing to worry about.

Cannot imagine him being with a partner that would try and make him jealous. There's enough on his hands with Hostel and Yenna. He wants a mature and stable presence in their lives, he doesn't want nor have the time to play these games.

[pisscrossiant]

Part two of my dragon age: origins headcanons because It's my current hyperfixation 😋

I'm honestly just writing these down here when I think of em

Oghren will stop doing whatever he's doing if he sees the Warden just to wave at them like a goof, he could be in the middle of fighting for his life and he stops to wave to them.

Morrigan can go MONTHS without bathing and look exactly the same as she did the last time she took a bath. She doesn't smell either she smells like roses 24/7 and no one knows how she doesn't smell after not bathing for like three months.

Leliana puts ribbons around her boots to make them prettier

Zevran tends to linger behind the party when walking somewhere just so he can stare at their asses without it being obvious.

Alistair keeps cheese in his pockets at all times, he has like three big ass cheese wheels in his tent at camp so he will take little pieces of cheese off the wheels and put them in his pocket so he has a snack later.

Wynne cooks the most out of everyone, she always takes requests from the party members so she can make them their favorite dishes for dinner so they can enjoy something during the blight.

Leliana often has auditory hallucinations and the most common one she has is of a woman screaming bloody murder, she'll jump a bit and if no one reacts to it she just carries on with what she's doing while waiting for it to stop.

Alistair has insomnia most of the time when he's "sleeping" he just lays in his bed roll and waits for sun rise, sometimes he'll talk to Zevran or Leliana if they get up before everyone else.

Zevran has Paranoia and has visual hallucinations, though they don't happen all that often, they still freak him out. He mostly see's shadow people which freaks him out alot because he thinks they could be assassins, watching him.

Oghren will pass out sometimes from his drunkenness, thankfully this doesn't happen during fights.

After Zevran got mad at the warden saying "there are other things to do besides me, go do those." The Warden gets upset and goes to sit by their tent and shale see's this and tries comforting them by saying "Would you like me to crush the painted elf" which actually does make the warden feel better.

Zevran and Leliana are polyamorous and wouldn't mind being in a poly relationship.

Leliana has a FAT crush on Morrigan, even if the warden romances her she can't help but fall for the tall lesbian.

Zevran has a crush on Sten, not in a romantic sense but more so he's attracted to him because Zev loves tall people.

Alistair is a bisexual in denial, he thinks he's straight but when he sees men without shirts on he gets all flustered.

Wynne reads 24/7 and she reads smut. Like hardcore smut. She reads it with a straight face.

Once Alistair asked what she was reading and she handed him the book to read the synopsis outloud and he became so embarrassed about it, Zevran and Morrigan made fun of him for it for weeks, he still can't see Wynne the same way again.

Elfroot is like weed, that's why it's called Elfroot because ancient elves would smoke it.

Leliana will wash and style Zevran's hair for him, during his time with the crows he didn't get to have his hair all nice and clean and styled properly so he doesn't really know how to take care of it all to well, so Leliana does it for him.

Zevran gets jealous easily believe it or not, if he sees another person flirting with the warden he gets mad and will go up to the Warden and interrupt their conversation. At first when he doesn't realize he's fallen for the Warden he keeps thinking he's stupid for it and tries to ignore it.

Leliana doesn't have a tendency to get jealous but if someone is getting too touchy with the Warden she'll just stand behind the warden glaring at them to get them to back off.

Morrigan can be very possessive of the Warden even if the warden hasn't romanced her she still will be very possessive especially if the warden is around someone she doesn't like (like Alistair)

Alistair gets jealous but doesn't show it or anything he's more tame and doesn't act on it or anything.

Morrigan is a raging lesbian she has no romantic interest for men, the only time she'd even sleep with a man would be for her to have a child. But she doesn't try to pursue any romantic relationship with women due to her pushing the people she loves away.

Oghren misses Branka before she left him but is glad to be a part from her at the same time.

Shale pets your Mabari 24/7 she loves animals especially dogs

Zevran is very weary around dogs, there were stray dogs all around Antivia City and they'd attack a lot unprovoked, he's been attacked by them numerous times so he was of course nervous when joining the warden's party seeing they had not just a dog but a wardog. Over time though he grew to actually like the dog alot however.

Leliana is a cat person, she's fine with dogs but she loves cats. But if she did have to choose between a Nug and a Cat she'd ofc choose a Nug.

Alistair is a major dog person, when he was living with the Arl he would usually hang around the kennels rather then being around people. When he says "I was raised by dogs" he wasn't actually that far off.

Morrigan doesn't like Dogs or cats, she's a bird person. She only tolerates the wardens Mabari because she knows the warden loves him.

Oghren is actually fond of dogs believe it or not, he hates cats though he says "they're stuck up"

Sten doesn't have a preference between cats or dogs however he respects dogs alot more then he respects cats.

Wynne is a cat lady, like if the tower let her she'd have like 20 cats.

Alistair has elf ears but not like how full blooded elves have, half elves have small points to their ears, they look like human ears but have a point to them instead of being rounded fully.

Leliana has a tattoo of a sun on her right shoulder.

Zevran has tattoos all over similar to the ones on his face, but he also has a tramp stamp that says " amor ''

Morrigan at first meeting her has no tattoos, I mean where would she get them living in the wilds. Once she leaves though she does get a tattoo of a raven on her left arm.

Alistair got drunk and got a tattoo of a dragon on his back, he thought it was cool at first but now that he's having to fight dragons and the arch demon he hates it.

The circle doesn't let mage's have tattoos so Wynne doesn't have any.

Sten does not have any tattoos because the Qun does not allow it, he does put markings on his body with face paint however.

Oghren has a tattoo of two beer mugs clanking together in between his shoulder blades.

That's all for now I'm most likely gonna do another part because I actually like writing these it's just nice to do when I'm not doing anything. Also the first part did pretty well and got a decent amount of attraction so definitely gonna do more 🤭

Plus I love fueling the dragon age fandom I wish there was a lot more stuff ab it 😭

[lakesparkles]

Can you believe I like these two for ONE YEAR?? Because I can't!

If you want to read the big, emotional description I put on Instagram, here you go:

I'm a few days earlier, but it has been… a year since I started liking these two- Maybe it doesn't sound like a big deal, but I NEVER had a hyperfixation that lasted for so long, it's usually only some months. But here I am, drawing PB and Diane as usual. So this is a simple and self indulgente post, the first slide is me redrawing my first drawings of them! Being totally honest, I don't even know why I like them that much. It all started with "they have the most interesting and well written relationship I've ever seen" and soon turned into "I need to draw them kissing". I know they aren't the most usual ship, but I'm very thankful that more people like me drawing them, especially with how they make me a lot happier in general. Funny enough, the only problem I ever had shipping them was a few weeks ago when I found out someone reposted my art on Reddit of all places. This explains the second slide, because it was most comments it got, saying how much my art was weird, gross and disturbing. According to them, I draw Mr Peanutbutter more like a dog (?) so I shouldn't draw him kissing Diane…. they also didn't like my art style because I'm a furry :/ what surprises me is that they were fans of the show as well, complaining about me drawing a canon couples that kissed on the show and were married for four seasons… But oh well, it doesn't make me as upset as before and it surely won't make me stop drawing them. But PLEASE, don't repost my art of Reddit lmao Anyways, I love them <33

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

#edward teach#im an adhd ed truther & this is so fucking true.#also shows how you view people w/ adhd if you’re specifically using it as an excuse to do this. (via @ourflagmeanscatboy on this post by @jaskierx)

I don't want to derail a post about racism, but I do feel like this shit needs to get talked about.

Because people will say literally the most deranged shit about Ed. I've heard the idea that he's gonna lose interest in Stede because he views people as hyperfixations floated. He's volitile and unstable (citation needed) he's messy (but he thinks pets befoul the ship and he couldn't believe he was living like this after letting Stede's cabin get covered in maybe a weeks worth of depression clutter) he needs a minder (despite constantly minding other characters). And all of that shit when pointed out as racist invariably gets explained away with "but I think he has ADHD"

And it's like, first of all that's a headcannon you have, where as his race is very much cannon. so I think even if you have the adhd headcannon, which to be clear, I do, you still need to lend more credence to the marginalized identities that are in fact cannon about him. That's not to say that these two things are contradictory it's just to say that you need to treat your headcannons about a character of color with awareness for how their race overlaps with other identities they might have and how their race might be impacting their behavior, and how projecting issues onto them, even if those issues are things you yourself struggle with, might be perceived by fans of color who are already constantly fielding racism both in fandom and in their every day lives.

but second of all, and I cannot stress this enough, yall are ableist as fuck.

Like, I simply do not know how to explain to you people that Ed losing Interest in Stede like that would not be a symptom of ADHD because treating PEOPLE like HYPERFIXATIONS is not a symptom of ADHD. If someone loses interest in you because they have adhd, and I feel like I've said this before, one of three things happened. A. they did not lose interest in you they are just forgetful and do not experience friendship decay so they think you are still friends, B. You were never a friend to begin with you were someone they exclusively did their hyperfixations with, or C. you are blaming the ADHD for something completely unrelated friendships fall apart all the time.

And it's like that example is just the most egregious. half the time when I see ADHD headcannons nobody's talking about like... Ed picking up a brand new activity on a whim, or him tattooing himself because he's experiencing the evil boredom. It's all gotta be traits contradicted by canon. And often it has to be about pain and suffering, and often it really just feels like an excuse to make up bullshit about Ed while beating the racism allegations.

and there's two enormous issues with this. The first one is that if you're gonna have a headcannon about a character you have to figure out how to apply the headcanon to that character without making up a brand new guy. Ed is in the 99th percentile in terms of executive function. His executive functioning skills are genuinely a strength for him. He can't stand mess and he keeps a clean ship, he doesn't get angry unless directly provoked. He also has a large number of shitty tattoos on his person, he stims, he's probably got some hyperactivity going on, and some emotional dis-regulation in terms of managing his disappointment and catastrophising. You have to actually look at the character and figure out what cannon things translate into ADHD and what adhd traits are contradicted by cannon and if you're just hollowing him out and putting an ablist idea of ADHD in as a stand in for a personality.

Like.. ok. My favoriate cannon ADHD rep in the world is the Percy Jackson series. Every one of those kids has adhd and dyslexia. This does not stop Annabeth from being a very functional character with a million irons in the fire who's an avid reader and a Smart Girl TM. Percy by contrast cannot focus for five seconds especially when you put a book in front of him, but he can think on his feet really well. Both of these characters are fairly realistic representations of ADHD because sometimes ADHD is severe executive dysfunction and mess and emotional dis-regulation, sometimes ADHD is having a million projects going at once in a desperate attempt to beat the evil boredom and sometimes it's being able to pick up new things with relative ease. Different people have different levels of these things, which is why in my favoriate childhood book series Rick Riordan was able to have so many different diverse characters with distinct personalities and have them all believably have ADHD.

But a lot of people who headcannon Ed as ADHD don't seem to be interested in figuring out how Ed's personality is compatible with that headcannon, they just want to hollow him out and give him every symptom ever and it's just like... oh, so that's what you think of us then. got it cool.

[inkywarden]

This is a long one (fr sorry in advance) but it seems I can't quite put this out of my mind. I've never really listened to One Direction, even if I as a now 32 year old, probably was in the main target audience. I never got the hype, or much more likely, I never attempted to get the hype. I remember seeing them everywhere, and since I do have eyes, I noticed they were good looking boys. I also remember (silently mind you, I was much too edgy for 1D at this point) quickly finding my fav. He looked kind, he had a nice laugh and kind eyes. He was gorgeous, with the kind of smile I fear I will never see again. Tbh I have gone until last week without listening to, or even thinking much about 1d since. I do remember him though, Liam. I've seen him in the news, on social media, and again since I do have eyes, I noticed how the boy with the beautiful smile turned in to a very, very (like extremly??? hello?) handsome man. A man who still had the most genuine, contagious smile. A smile that always spread to his eyes. That was pretty much it for my knowledge of this band, and this man, until last week.

I saw it in the news, and it made no sense to me. How did we go from there to here? I felt.. something, still unsure what exactly. I later saw my old university post a memorial type post about him on facebook. My old university being the University of Wolverhampton, where I graduated as an illustrator in 2015. That's two things, two coincidences that weirdly made me feel more connected to this stranger. The unexplained, undefined feelings I was having suddenly felt heavier. This is when I hyperfixated and consumed just about everything there is to consume about this band, and this man. I'm still not a 1D fan, but I can now, after all these years say I get it. I've seen and read so much about this man and his life now, ups and downs. In the end, tragically, it seemed to be most of the latter in later years.

Most notably, and this actually broke my heart, I noticed how that genuine, beautiful smile that used to spread across his entire face, at some point stopped reaching his eyes. This is sad, it is tragic, and it is infuriating.

The time leading up to, and the aftermath both - the takes i'm seeing out here is wild and lacking in nuance. It feels like everything always is weighed in extremes, and it is neither fair or realistic. I dont know if I feel this way due to my own personal experiences and struggles with mental health, substance and/or alcohol abuse, or if its because this is the field I am soon graduating (career change dw) to work in, and I see many of these issues close up daily. These issues are things I would argue always goes hand in hand, and it is a never a choice one makes. It is a disease. I will never have anything in common with internet people today, and I will never understand this. Whatever the reasons. I will not speculate further. What I choose to believe in and live by is whatever the circumstance, people suffering from these issues deserve some grace. It is hard, constantly, and every day. No one chooses to stay in this illness, and even if they do manage to get out, it is almost impossible to stay out.

Whatever people have done, that is still just an aspect of a whole. A single line on a piece of paper, a small piece of a bigger, much more complex picture. We are more than the worst thing we have ever done. I have to believe this, both for my own sake and for the sake of others. Life is not black and white, it exists in shades of grey.

I am confused about the range of feelings i've experienced over this, and I'm still unsure why I'm affected to this degree but here we are.

I am sad, I am frustrated, I am disappointed and I am angry. Most of all my heart breaks for Liam, who never got the chance to get better, heal, and find his smile again. I also feel actual despair at the thought of this man, that young boy, passing away thinking the world hates him. There's no fixing that now. He is gone. Please, I beg you to be kinder next time. Show some compassion. Give some grace, be kind or at the very least be quiet.

I'm not even sure why I felt the need to post this, as I mentioned before I never had a horse in this race. The only opinion I ever settled on before this last week was that if I, in an alternate universe was a Directioner, I would be a Liam girly. It appears, after all these years, I still am. I dont know what comes when life ends, but I hope you find your smile again. Whatever else, you deserved so much more than this. You were a complex piece, but still so, so beautiful.

You meant so much to so many, and I wish you could have known that in the end.

Rest in peace, Liam. 🎤🎨💙

[smytherines]

I went through my big Starkid era over the last like six months or so. I had seen Spies Are Forever once a few months back, liked it, but it kinda got buried by life stuff. Maybe a week or two before the tinlightenment kickstarter started up, I remembered SAF and decided to rewatch it, and seeing it again with the context of the full story just really spoke to me in a way I cannot shut up about.

I love Spies Are Forever. I love how funny and tender and gay and hilarious it is. But as much as I love SAF, I'm most grateful that I've gotten to make so many friends bonding over this show. Friends who are working so so so hard to promote the kickstarter because they love Tin Can Bros stuff as much as I do. We have had so much fun on streams, making up ridiculous inside jokes, posting sandwiches and asses in bios and the Sacred Text.

When I found out about the kickstarter I went and liked all the socials, not even thinking about funding it if I'm honest, but I wanted to share stuff at least. That has changed in a big way. I just increased my pledge today, actually!

Anyways I kept rewatching SAF and appreciating it in new ways. I watched Solve It Squad and Grunch and Wayward Guide. I started engaging with the tinlightenment posts. I asked my partner for the 54 Below digital ticket for Valentines Day. I made a new tumblr for the first time in years so I could post hyperfixations about SAF. I made a Diane Lopez-Richter meme that still makes me smile every time I see it, and now I'm just doing as much TCB promo as I possibly can because I really believe in what they're doing.

Theatre is hard. Independent theatre is so much harder. I spent 8 years in a children's community theatre company growing up. My mom did their books in exchange for my tuition. It was always a hustle to keep the doors open. I can say without question that it saved my life. It gave me a space to safely have my big ADHD feelings. Theatre gives you space to feel huge things in a safe way, and TCB provides free, fully original productions to anyone who can access youtube.

I backed the Tinlightenment kickstarter because these original shows and songs and characters are rare and precious, given to us FOR FREE in the hopes that we'll continue to choose to support all of these wonderful creators when they do these big fundraising campaigns.

Corey, Joey, and Brian have spent ten years working hard as fuck to bring us new things for our goblin brains to latch onto, and I want to see more. They have been working so hard on this kickstarter to give us SEVEN events for 200k, which is basically nonsense. An irrationally small amount of money for what they are planning to do. And I want to see them get there.

If you can't back the kickstarter, that's totally cool. Everyone has their own shit going on, nobody is going to hold it against you. We love you we love you we love you.

If you can afford to throw a few bucks towards the kickstarter, please please do it. Independent theatre only happens if we fund it.

>>> Tinlightenment <<<

(Reposting the Diane meme because I love watching her get new treats)

[fandomz-brainrot]

Pity (Wednesday x Male reader)

A/n: might not be that good because I'm writing this when I'm tired as hell :,)

TW: Drugs (weed), very light suicidal thoughts, self harm, angst

You were a student at Nevermore Academy; a gorgon, to be exact. You hung around Xavier and Ajax, as the latter was your younger brother. So, when the two boys (mainly Xavier) began to show an interest in the mysterious new goth girl, you just had to see what the hype was about. So during one of your shared classes, you passed her a note:

"Hey, newbie."

She... crumpled up the note and threw it back at you. You didn't give up hope though, passing more notes and little doodles to her. Eventually she gave in and responded.

"What do you want."

"To be your friend, obviously."

She rolled her eyes, but kept talking to you anyways. It was strange at first-- you'd come up to her and follow her around like a lost puppy. That's how you got roped in to her whole "monster mystery solving" thing. She dragged you on many dangerous missions to uncover the truth. However, you never backed out, and she seemed to admire that. In her own special Wednesday way, of course.

After a while, you two formed a bond. It was weird, since she isn't one to outwardly show her affections, but you assumed she cared. So, you shot your shot. You began flirting with her relentlessly. She pretended to be completely oblivious, and you bought it. You genuinely thought she didn't know, or just didn't reciprocate the feelings. But you wouldn't stop until you got a definitive answer.

So when she asked you out, it really threw you for a loop.

"I accept, (Y/n)." She said one day out of the blue. You stopped dead in your tracks, causing her to stop as well and look back at you. "I- uh-... What?" you asked in confusion. "I know you have... feelings for me. It is... mutual." she said, although she had to force the last sentence out. She hated showing any emotion. A look of realization appeared on your face, and you beamed at her. "I- cool! I uh- I can't believe that my new girlfriend is Wednesday Adda-" "Shut it before I reconsider." she said with an icy glare. You quickly shut your mouth, the grin never leaving your face as you nodded enthusiastically and gave her a thumbs up.

And that's the start of your relationship with Wednesday.

You would visit her in her dorm whenever you could, listening to her play her cello or watch her write her novel. You even gave her a few pointers while she was writing. Sometimes she'd come back to yours, when Ajax wasn't there (you guys were not just brothers, but roommates). Slowly, your relationship grew. She began showing small displays of affection. She would give you gifts; tarot cards, rings, chains, stuffed animals, anything like that. You would occasionally hold hands as you walked her to some of her classes. Whenever she was at your dorm, you two would cuddle as you watched shows on your laptop. You would explain every little detail if it was your current hyperfixation. She'd do the same, with true crime. Within a few weeks you could name several serial killers and their lives because of her. Sometimes you could swear you'd see the corners of her mouth twitch up.

What really took you by surprise was when she kissed you. You were in your dorm, playing video games as she watched with interest. "Hey-- can you look at me for a second." she said, in her usual expressionless tone. You looked over at her, an eyebrow raised in confusion. Suddenly, her thin cold hands grabbed your face firmly, and her lips met yours. Your eyes widened, and you gently held her face. She pulled away, looking even more surprised than you did. You saw the slightest hint of color flush her pale face. She looked away, her arms crossed. "I... I love... you." she said, and it seemed like a struggle to get them out. "I love you too..." you said breathlessly. She refused to look back at you, but the corners of her lips twitched upwards. "Hey... can you look at me?" you asked her. She slowly looked back over to you, and immediately you crashed your lips in to hers. She kissed back eagerly. And that would be the start of many kisses to come.

It was now later in the year. You had been dating for a bit over a month now. You had asked her on your first date; a movie was coming out at Jericho's small theater that you think she'd like. It was a horror movie, so of course she would be in to it. You two went to it, getting seats near the top of the dark theater. Her head found its way to your shoulder, and your arm wrapped around her. She let out an exhale that could've been a laugh as you shoveled popcorn in to your mouth. You made little comments and cracked jokes quietly as you both watched with interest. She let out another laugh-like exhale, throwing a piece of popcorn at your face. "Would you shut up for two seconds? I am trying to watch this. I will be the killer if you do not shut your mouth." she said in frustration. You know she meant no real hostility or aggression at this-- you'd know if she did. Plus, that small almost-smile was still on her face. You laughed quietly, shrugging. "Sure. You're the boss, love." you replied, and she shushed you with a finger to your lips. You swore you saw that small flush come back to her cheeks in the dim light.

The two month mark was approaching in your relationship, and you were stressed. You had been loaded with work and participation in your extracurricular activities. You hadn't had much time to talk to Wednesday-- your sleep schedule was a mess, and you simply didn't have the energy. It was taking a toll on your relationship. She had came to your door, late at night. You had just finished some school work when you heard the knock at the door. You saw her, and smiled softly. "We need to talk." She said simply. Your smile wavered, but you let her in. "Sure... what's up?" this was unlike her. She never expressed her emotions unless absolutely necessary. So this must be serious. She sighed, stiffly sitting down on your bed. "I... feel like you're... not putting as much effort in to this relationship as I am. You barely talk to me as of late. I need... you... to return that... energy." she managed to say, staring blankly at a wall. You fidgeted with your hands, spinning one of the fidget rings she had given you a few weeks ago. "Yeah, of course, I've just been super busy, but I'll try and make more time for you." You said, blinking a few times. She glanced at you and nodded. "Thank you." she said simply, getting up and leaving your dorm. You stood there for a few seconds, that pit of dread in your stomach. But you knew what you were going to do; you would make a bigger effort for Wednesday.

A few days have passed. You have tried to talk to Wednesday, passing her notes in class and talking to her whenever you saw her around Nevermore.

"I reallyyy don't wanna go to my stupid band performance :( I'm so tired right now."

"That sucks."

You frowned, looking down as you fidgeted with that same ring again. She seemed to be a lot more dry recently. You had tried to ask if she was okay, but always got an "I'm fine" in response.

Afterwards, you had tried to speak to her, but she was physically ghosting you. She deliberately asked you not to sit with her in classes. Whenever you'd go to hang out with her, Enid, and Xavier, she would make Enid sit between you too. She was growing more and more distant and it was scaring the shit out of you.

The next day however, you were out in Jericho, looking for something to give your mom for her birthday. That's when you saw it; a small stuffed raven and a small tin box. Your eyes lit up-- this is how you can show Wednesday that you care! You purchased the box and raven, as well as the goofiest taxidermy ferret you could find and your girlfriend's favorite snacks. The tin was overly pink with unicorns in the shape of a heart-- you planned to paint it to make the unicorns gothic and skeletal. The ferret was a little clown with its mouth wide open. They were the silliest things, but they might bring a smile to her face. You brought them back to your dorm and began working.

As soon as you finished the gift you excitedly went over to Wednesday's dorm and knocked on the door. The familiar blank face greeted you, and you grinned. "I got you the goofiest little gifts!" you said excitedly. Her gaze flickered between you and the tin box, letting out a small "mhm". She looked up at you. "I don't want it, you can keep it." she said flatly, and your smile started to fall. "Oh um... alright-" and she closed the door on your face. You blinked away the tears that had began to form in your eyes. You walked back to your dorm, eyes vacant as you got lost in your own thoughts.

Two days later, you went back to class. Wednesday didn't speak a word to you the entire time. However, right as the class ended, she handed you a note and walked away. You glance around, before walking back to your dorm room. You nervously fidget with the folded up piece of paper, sitting down on the edge of the bed. You opened it, reading the words on the page with great care.

"I wrote this letter to say that I think we should break up. During the time where we weren't speaking to each other, I started to think. And I realized that I may not have ever loved you. We seemed more of friends. It felt more like a friends with benefits type of situation. I think I actually may have dated you out of pity. So, I would like to discontinue our relationship. Whether I ever did love you is a mystery, so I guess we'll never know."

Your breath hitched. Your hands balled, crumpling the paper and ripping it. You felt your bottom lip tremble and that familiar put of dread settle in your stomach. You felt the tears fill your eyes and fall down your cheeks, as a lump formed in your throat. You let out a shaky laugh of disbelief. You choked back a sob, your arms wrapping around your stomach as you rocked slightly. Your laugh grew louder. "Really, Wednesday? You couldn't have told me in person?! You-- you dated me out of PITY? Really?! I knew you were a bit strange but I didn't know you were..." you yelled to no one in particular, mostly at a loss for words. You laughed again, but it quickly devolved into ugly and loud sobbing.

You made sure to get your schedule changed immediately. You only talked to your friends when Wednesday wasn't around. You tried to completely cut her from your life. That is, until Ajax walked up to you. His expression was worried, and hesitant. He looked down at his hands, beginning to fidget. I guess the fidgeting is just a thing in your family, huh? "Hey uh... (Y/n)?" he asked slowly, looking at you. You rolled over in your bed to look at him. You let out a small grunt, which he took as an "okay" to continue. "So... Wednesday wanted me to ask... why you've been avoiding her...?" You let out an angry huff, rolling back over in your bed. He gave you a sympathetic smile and a pat on the shoulder.

The next day you found a note under your door.

"No response? Wow. I was actually trying to be nice. Bye I guess."

Signed Wednesday fucking Addams.

You let out an angry growl, crumpling the paper and throwing it across the room. You hyperventilate, your breathing coming out in ragged gasps. You wrapped your arms around your legs as you rested your head against your knees. You sobbed loudly, your choked noises sounding pitiful to your own ears. Your thoughts were spiraling, and only one thought came to your mind; you wanted to die.

Sadly, you still had to attend your classes the next day. During the free the school had, you went to the library instead of where your friends usually hung out. Wednesday would surely be there, and you did not want to deal with that.

You were on your phone, listening to music when your brother walked in. He sat down next to you, tapping your shoulder and motioning for you to take your headphones off. You obliged, looking at him with dull eyes. You felt exhausted.

He cleared his throat, looking down. "I uh... just thought you should know... Wednesday and the others are... um... talking shit about you." He said quietly. He knew you were fragile right now, but you still deserved to know. You let out a bitter scoff, resting your head on your knees as you stared ahead. You were truly speechless now.

That night you were left alone-- Ajax was at Xavier's dorm, in an attempt to give you space. You rested your head against the wall, exhaling smoke from your lips. You watched it rise and then disappear, a sad smile on your face. The joint was loosely held between your fingers, small wisps of smoke coming from the end. You felt your brain fog; your whole body feels light and tingly now. Your half lidded and now dilated eyes stared upwards, not focusing on anything in particular. You lazily pressed a bloody rag to the long slashes across your wrists and thighs. A dry chuckle escapes your lips.

"I will never love a girl again."

Word count: 2353

A/n: very much a vent fic because my ex girlfriend broke up with me recently and it went kind of like this :,)

[dreamsofalife]

((I know I'm probably being annoying by hyperfixating on certain verses and fandoms, but consider; I do what I want and must unlearn shame to be truly free.

Anyway I'm setting up Shy's full BNHA au; what happened, why she's there, and how the heck she ended up the way she is.

Name: Cheyanne "Shy" Wyatt

Quirk: Chemical Hijack; Shy can manipulate the level and types of hormones and chemicals inside the human brain. However, she can only do it to one person at a time and has to be touching their head skin to skin, and overuse of her quirk causes severe brainfog and cognitive impairment for up to a full week.

Shy's quirk didn't properly manifest until she was around 5 or 6; her mom's husband was really upset and yelling at her and she put a hand to his forehead, wishing he'd calm down...and he did. He was in a Melatonin stupor for the rest of the day, and both Shy and her mom were stunned and a little fearful of what she'd done.

When she discovered the true nature of her abilities and went to quirk counseling, it didn't go very well; she had it drilled into her that she had to be very careful with it, that she should only use it in an absolute emergency. To a child who's used to bad things happening to them, you don't really know what a real emergency is, so you hold back.

The normal story beats of her life went the same pretty much; death of her father, stepdad leaving, mental illness, and meeting her ex. She blamed herself for it all, conscious or not, and believed that it was her fault for being a monster. Her father and stepdad would have stayed, would have wanted to live if she wasn't such a freak. If she wasn't born evil.

Joy's quirk is creating tulpas. She's still an artist, and she uses her quirk to make her art leap off the canvas and come to life. Shy admired her and, being two lonely outcasted queer teens in a small town, they bonded. She was the first person in years that she felt could be trusted enough to tell the truth...but she wasn't. Joy took that information and used it to accuse and gaslight and DARVO her way into winning any fight or getting Shy to comply with what she wanted. Because she couldn't be trusted; Shy was a monster with abilities that only a monster could have.

When Joy broke up with her, Shy just...broke. She retreated into herself and internalized all of the awful things that she said and did, and felt like there was no way out.

A few years later, and after a lot of digging, Shy found herself in Japan, the country with the most advanced and developed research into the science behind superpowers and their development in the world. The reason? To find a cure. To find someone who could rid her of this curse so she doesn't have to live with the guilt and shame for the rest of her life, and so she'll never be tempted to use it again.

It's led her into some bad situations and crappy encounters with people, but she still hopes to be rid of it.

She can't feel proud of having something inside of her that's so destructive, something that could be used to hurt. She carries so much internalized self loathing and anxiety because of it, and has the belief that she's actually just evil and pretending not to be, and that if she can't resist the desire to use her quirk, she'll fall down that slippery slope to true evil. She also deeply resents the world for making her feel like she has to be perfectly restrained at all times. Like...why does she have to be perfect just to be on the same level as everyone else's 'good enough'? Shy feels like that normally, but this is that times ten. Anyway u got it, the girl has trauma and power and powerful trauma.))

[galaxygam3z]

Long ramble!!

So I have three main interests, The first being Fnaf then second Undertale/Deltarune and the last and most recent one is Homestuck!

Fnaf is a big deal for me, I was there when fnaf 2 was getting teased and wow I 9 then if you can believe that. It's been ten damn years of this game in my life and I did regret it sometimes but I no longer feel that, it has it up and way downs but I'm still here. I'm here because it's something I can never give up and I will never let it go mainly because it's such a big part of my personality.

It made me who I am today of all things, it how I got into the Internet in 2014 (I learned about Homestuck then but avoid for 10 years) and it gives me a burst of life I didn't have. I felt alive for the first time in a long time, I went though a lot of shit then and still now but what got me though it was watching/reading to fnaf videos/books, I was way to scared of playing the games!!

I remember my first hyperfixation... It's was on Kellen Goff of all people. I keep seeing him everywhere and then i got my first person fixation (It's horrible, I hate when my brain does that). I remind getting foxy plush and I was so happy then I got the puppet, I adore them and almost cried over them when I got them but sadly it's mostly faded now, to many bad moments around that time. I then just bookmarked Fnaf for awhile and moved onto... Undertale/Deltarune!

Undertale is what fully got me into making fanfics and ocs, I made this AU about Chara/Frisk souls coming together (StitchedTale) and I didn't work on it for long maybe a week but I loved it then I moved on from that to watching comic dubs. Oh God, the comic dubs, I adore them to this day and still go back watch them now. Undertale is my favorite game of all time, I brought the collectors edition, art book and figures.

I have them up with my fnaf figures, they have been sitting there since Feb of this year. I need to dust them soon! The fan games where also amazing, I played upside or uptale or something like that and I enjoyed it though it was really short, I remember watching sans is ness video when it came out. The theories around that game where crazy and I still believe some though I can't remember most of them.

And now homestuck, oh you Homestuck what can I say about you... You are a something I grow attracted to out of nowhere, I was going to drop Homestuck at page like 200 but I keep going and I didn't know why. I grow to love it even with all of its faults, I adore this characters so much it was crazy it felt like fnaf again. I saw life burst into me again when I needed it, All these story's and art that still surround this web comic is what truly keep me I think.

It felt unbelievable how interesting I got with it, it felt like a hyperfixation then it grow and keep growing into a special interest. I'm super into homestuck but I'm keeping that interest even with Fnaf getting back in with it 10th birthday, I did the quiz to see what aspect I was and keep doing this quiz and I got so many different answers but I'm a breath player and I'm on derse!!

Over all, homestuck become what Fnaf and Undertale was to 9/10 year old me. It's breathed life into my soul that I needed, I love you all!!

Fnaf my one and only true ride or die fandom, I'm part of you and it's a part of me! Undertale, I will always adore you and you help me discovers for much, even with embarrassment coming with it! Homestuck, my newest and new part of my main siting next to the other two, this world you made and all the fan made is wonderful. I have three ocs already for you and I'm hoping to make my own AU with them!! :))

[gayofthefae]

I have spent the past weeks randomly, probably every Tuesday? seeing a massive inflow of posts about 911 from you and you've got me. It's happened, I'm here and I'm caving in and I'm asking what is this show?????

What is going on???????

Is this a supernatural magic type show? Is this just a normal drama about firefighters? Is this a slowburn romance show? What is going on, what is this, what is happening?

Who are these dudes I keep seeing on my dash and why do you love them so much lol?????????

Haha, happy to answer! They have the trauma levels of a supernatural show FOR SURE lmao but the show is called 9-1-1, it's a regular-world procedural drama about first responders, mainly focusing on a group of firefighters (but it also has a 911 dispatcher and a police sergeant). And it is VERY much a found family show.

The romance has not gone canon yet but it is VERY popularly shipped and widely believed that it will go canon (there are lots of in-show parallels to other couples on the show, queercoding, and subtext as well as just - unlike many past queerbaits - their general relationship being repeatedly plot central and above all: they have MOMENTUM). Overall, the two are very much treated as life partners by the show and its cast). (Of course, if you don't wanna risk it, I would understand).

I love them because I love a good slowburn, I love friends to lovers, and these two are just adorable in general. They are wonderfully communicative, attached at the hip, and they've built a sort of life together as life partners, like I said, frequently being treated like all other life partners (couples) on the show narratively as well as directly paralleling them (and even being the source of parallels the other couples make to them).

I can't really describe my love for them except by saying they're a hyperfixation, lol, but they check all the boxes of criteria for me to be one: slow burn, communicative, just generally adorable. It's just THE VIBES okay.

This show does a great job at fleshing out individual characters' and their trauma and arcs very well and the two are both wonderful individual people as well as incredibly complimentary in their personalities and mental health arcs (oh yeah, mental health arcs are a BIG thing with this one and they are incredibly supportive partners through it, although there is some angst it isn't contrived). So they really just have an ultimately very sweet and healthy relationship while simultaneously working through things like abandonment issues and such.

Really it's just -GAH!- [note: I want it to be known that I initially mistyped "gah" as "GAY!"]. As far as character arcs go. This ship is "man who wants to be loved x man who wants to allow himself to love". The general state right now is that "not knowing what you've been searching for has been slowly building and under your nose the whole time." Also, the really great general romantic thesis of the show is "you don't find [love], you make it" aka you find a person you're compatible with and then you choose every day to love them by putting in the work and grow with them.

tldr: They are incredibly complementary to one another's mental health arcs, they are a slow burn, they are best friends to lovers, they are life partners, they are communicative and great representation of healthy relationship behaviors not only when you're at your best (but still realistically flawed, just not to a contrived extent), and most importantly, they are just visibly happiest together (Eddie has repeatedly smiled immediately literally just from seeing Buck's face))

Also, if you start watching this show please tell me and post about it for entirely selfish reasons because I love living vicariously through people's first watches. (Warning though if you do watch: Eddie is not introduced until episode 1 of season 2, the 11th episode of the show)

To close out, here is my favorite gif of them:

[star--nymph]

Hello! ✨ For the random headcanon meme if you'd like... For Eury:

☃  : What is your muse’s favorite season?

☘ : Does your muse believe in luck? How about fate?

❀ : What is your muse’s opinion about flower crowns?

♞ : What is your muse’s favorite animal?

Of course feel free to skip those questions you may not wish to answer! :3

Oh! So many!! I'm so excited thank you!!

(leaving out ❀ and ☘ cause I answered in another ask)

☃  : What is your muse’s favorite season?

Summer! The season she can do what ever she wants. Everything is bright and new, there's plenty of fruit and vegetables to harvest, she doesn't have to wear layers. She can sit in the sun or in the shade, the nights are cool and all the best bugs and animals are out to observe. No one comes looking for her either. She could spend hours alone in the beautiful green forest on her own and be at peace. Also it is her birthday season and she really doesn't care about that but it does feel as if she and the summer are interconnected because of it.

♞ : What is your muse’s favorite animal?

Halla halla halla halla halla!!!! HALLA! Eurydice loves hallas more than anything in the world. She loves every mount and most, if not all animals (I really can't think of any she hates, actually) but halla? Halla and her special. There were and still are her hyperfixation since she was a toddler with her grandmother telling her stories of halla and the great Ghilan'nain. They were her only friends, her refuge from the loud and complicated world that judged her for not doing the right things at the right time or speaking oddly. Halla don't care about eye content or touch, they don't demand you to act in certain ways or yank on your for standing wrong, they only ask for respect and kindness. They have let her rest on their flank when she was small, wrapping around her like she was their own kin. That's the saddest thing about her magic: it stole her dreams away. Had she never been a mage, she would have become a Halla Mistress with her sister and she would have been so caught. The day the Keeper caught wind of her first flame was the day Eurydice lost her bonds to the halla and Melia. She has never been able to hold either the way ever again. They are fascinating creatures with an intelligence most can not begin to comprehend. Legends speak of a mabari and its bond to its master, but never is much spoke of when a halla and an elf share one heart, one mind. When one is bonded with a halla, there is nothing else like it. They speak to each other through look and feeling alone. And they're kind. They accept so many wounded creatures to their herd and care for them. They are graceful in their deadliness; to be at the end of their sharp horn is to die an agonizing death. And gosh are they funny, silly things. Not many things can make Eurydice giggle, but halla do every time just by chew on her hair. Fun fact: when she found the halla in the Exalted Plans, she was so happy she refused leave for days. Eventually, when not even a note from Cullen could get her to go, Bull had to pick her up and carry her away. She didn't talk to him for two weeks.

[painful-pooch]

🍎 -Rate OC crankiness from 1 - 10

🥽 - Has your OC ever gotten in trouble with their military? If so how did that go?

🥞 - Oh no your OC has been captured by the enemy. How well would that go for them?

💌 - Is your OC the conventional type of solider usually seen? Or are they breaking the norms?

For Oscar!

🍎 -Rate OC crankiness from 1 - 10

Oscar looks up from his Nintendo 3DS, turning his head to stare at Lukas poking at his forehead. "Are you annoyed yet, Oscar? Come on... you have to want to like smack me or something! There is no way you are impervious to my tricks," Lukas whines, poking Oscar faster.

Oscar raises an eyebrow and focuses back at the camera, a deadpan expression on his face. "I think you have your answer there." He goes back to playing Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones and smiles when Lukas throws his hands up in frustration.

"This is bulllllllllllshittttttt! Wait, I have a better idea," Lukas chuckles, standing up and calling out, "Oh Bru Bruuuuuu! I found your secret stash of Nutella!"

Oscar sighs and sinks into the couch. "I rarely get cranky unless someone touches my chess boards or videogames without telling me."

🥽 - Has your OC ever gotten in trouble with their military? If so how did that go?

Oscar blushes at the question and he rubs his hands against his jeans to get rid of the clamminess he is feeling. "Well, I did get in trouble one time, but it wasn't because I did anything bad. It was whenever I would have to do an open ranks inspection and there would be someone right in my face and trying to tell me I wasn't properly wearing the uniform. They tried to quiz me on some basic knowledge questions about who the Commander was for my squadron athe time." He picks his eyes up to look at the camera before diverting his attention to the floor.

"They told me that I better keep my eyes on them, but instead, I told them if they were going to chew me out for small issues with my uniform, then they should uhm... look at the toothpaste on their lapel, their scuffed dress shoes, a crooked ribbon rack, and an obviously not ironed shirt. I had to do night shifts for a whole month. It was *awesome* because no one was there to annoy me."

🥞 - Oh no your OC has been captured by the enemy. How well would that go for them?

Oscar can't make it too long when captured just because the enemy would exploit every single weakness he has. He can't handle the constant shouting, the unwarrented touching, the bright lights on him for hours, and the lack of his insomnia medications. He wouldn't have access to the tools he uses to keep himself grounded like a fidget toy or a chess piece. I would give it about two weeks before he just goes purely silent. Oh yeah, that's another thing about Oscar I haven't shown yet; if he is stressed beyond his limits or he is too triggered, he goes fully silent and keeps his eyes shut. He would much rather be in a quiet and dark place than a room with his torturers.

💌 - Is your OC the conventional type of solider usually seen? Or are they breaking the norms?

Oscar wasn't like the soldiers people see in the media. I based Oscar off the people I have met in the Intelligence community and how much they differed from those who were in the Infantry or in a more Special Operations type environment. He is very quiet, shy, engrossed in his work and hyperfixations, and he isn't built for combat at all. He cried when he fired a pistol/rifle for the first time when he joined the Air Force and he broke down when Bruno tried to show him how to use weapons that were too loud.

Believe it or not, there are a lot of people in the military with undiagnosed Autism/ADHD/OCD/PTSD/ETC and Oscar is one of the characters I wanted to use to portray those attributes. They break the norms in the fact that they didn't stay in the military past one enlistment, as most media suggests that foks stay in for twenty years. Oscar is allowed to feel weak, vulnerable, and meek even after being in the military; having been a prior service military member doesn't mean someone is always brave, courageous, strong, or blood-thirsty. Oscar is one of the few characters I have that really remind me that the military is filed with all sorts of people and that's what makes military whump so fun for me.

[theinfernalcalypso]

So I don't talk system stuff often nor do I talk things I'm into often (in this case Mouthwashing), but I got both on the agenda today (I'm going into spoilers for the game below so read more just in case)

(Also there's about to be a lot in terms of several different heavy topics approach with caution)

Mouthwashing is a great fucking game. It's not for the faint of heart, and definitely covers a lot of heavy subject matter. I've been hyperfixated on it for a bit over a week?

And on the flipside I've also been reflecting on some system stuff.

And yesterday I brought up with bunny how I sympathize with Curly a lot. Because I do. I didn't realize until part way through one of my long winded rambles exactly why though.

And, for context because of course. One member of our system is like my day one. Like. Quite literally for a lot of the time we were fused into one person. But we at one point couldn't do the fusion dance essentially anymore. Sad, but they're still here.

Our ex did not like that. He was very taken with me, and then very jealous of pixie (... not their actual name, but yall know I love my cute terms of designation and endearment). So, whenever pixie was in front essentially, the two would avoid one another. Otherwise he would just lash out at her out of jealousy (both for that pixie knew me in a way that he couldn't, and that they were bright and bubbly and happy. He made the comparison of pixie being one of those pretty girls who go fishing for attention by calling themselves ugly. Pixie literally has anxiety when it comes to being the center of attention. That is incredibly fucking counterwhumpus.)

After a point, and an incident including hiding in the kitchen, pixie was scared of him. And, as a gatekeeper and protector on top of at that point becoming the host, I became extremely controlling of who was in front and when. I didn't realize how bad it was until the last few weeks. The incident that precipitated pixie never being in front again was four years ago. Because I locked them away.

(btw, if your system changes hosts because of stress from a partner, don't be my dumbass. Please run)

I was (still somehow am) the captain of the ship and someone got hurt under my watch. And I didn't see the dead pixel in the corner when everyone else was telling me exactly where it was. It's not an exact comparison but it sure is enough to put a spotlight on the guilt and let me actually see the process of it.

I should've fucking killed him for treating them like that. I want to claw out his eyes and break every finger in his hands and rip out his vocal chords. That way he can't look at us in the ways he did, or ever touch me again, or ever speak to us the fucking way he did. And I want him to fucking suffer. And I hope he rots in that small town in Tennessee.

... as much as pixie has reassured me on the matter (they've actually been swapping front with me for a few days), I still can't help but feel like I should've done something more four years ago rather than just keeping the two of them away from each other.

Our ex may not have been a rapist on top of everything (... kinda not sure actually because there was plenty of times I only slept with him to get him to shut the fuck up about whining about it but I don't wanna think on that part too hard right now) but he certainly is on par with James Mouthwash and would believe in his own bullshit. And then would say our trauma responses in regards to him were us (specifically me, because after a point no one was in front without my explicitly being there to supervise) punishing him.

But it still feels like I'm responsible for a lot that happened because of not having properly done anything about it. Like Curly not having given Anya the gun, or just having shot Jimmy himself. I know, extreme, but still. I could have just left four years ago and not waited until back in February and then staying there physically until June.

... it makes me feel like I'm a joke of a captain protector in all honesty.