#can we bring that term back btw i discovered it a few months ago in the depths of fanlore and its so perfect like yeah it’s my bright shiny

[markedbyindecision]

i can feel house md rewiring my brain in real time

[laulo821]

yea i see!! yea it's fallen kingdom��� it's the fallen kingdom quintilogy. tbf it's nostalgic to me too so that's why i'm back on them probably? i mean every few months i rediscover (old) music i listened to a while ago but fell out off just cuz life is cyclic and that was the end of this song's cycle for now!

what got me back into the fallen kingdom quintilogy (and other Minecraft parodies) is the Herobrine hype i've been going through since uuhhhh September? cause there is a modpack (From The Fog) bringing him back in the modern minecraft versions and i'm obsessed. this made me dig up fallen kingdom and realise that recently, the fifth installment of the series was out (rising kingdom) and it's a banger honestly. it just slaps. so ive listened back to the whole series and other parodies. also my friends have launched an SMP this week so i'm more in the minecraft mood than usual too hehe

concerning pikmin. it's a funny one. i dont usually listen to game OSTs either but i like the calm atmospheric songs of pikmin. but also. by picking pikmin i include all the pikmin parodies/covers that people have made lmao. them lil guys singing ... dopamine juice. i'm a big fan of meme songs covers. also it's my current fixation so i gotta consume pikmin content lest i explode

for the rest, well. hazbin hotel. ive watched it. not going on details about the show specifically but the songs be slapping for some (most?) of them. it's got that raw feelings power that i seek out in musics yknow. when you hear the singer (or character here i guess) putting their whole heart in it, them breaking on the notes, elevating it with hope and such... loving sigh. but there's also a few of the hh songs i really don't like cus i just find them. bad? or too awkward in terms of writing/pacing i guess. hot take i don't enjoy make you gone nor best dad in hell

then we got the solo album of Charlie Scene, member (slash leader?) of famous band Hollywood Undead. so it's more in association with my second fav group ever Hollywood Undead that i hung up on it. but also it is part of the cycle i talked about earlier. i discovered his solo album in july last year i believe, fell out if it, thought about it recently and have been binging it again! although i admit it is less good that i remember?

another album that's more in my usual ballpark is the Fall Out Boy's one. i picked the album half randomly i'll be honest (chose it because there's My Songs Know in it i believe? my fav from FOB due to Nostalgia™) so it's more about the whole discography than this album specifically. i've been listening to them recently because i was not in the mood for any other rock band of my usual liking (being Muse, TDG, Hollywood Undead and MCR between others). they just fit my current music mood better i guess!!

and the last one is Ceinture Noire by GIMS. French rap. hell yea brother. again it's back in the cyclic rotation i guess. i like his music, he's got a great timber, good writing for me, sick bars. i prefer his um love songs than his street songs(?) but i can appreciate them too. he's pretty big in France btw but he peaked (thanks to mockery) in 2015 or the like so it may be Nostalgia™ again but i enjoy or dare i say, prefer his more recent music too so maybe not!! funfact he made a song with sia so you can picture how big he is. he also made one with sting

thats for my lineup. i'm very pick and choose tho so i'm listening to a whole lot of other unrelated things while these album play ... like there's a lot of the Crane Wives in my randomly generated playlists too! there's a lot of half•alive, there's some Dionysus (from the Jack and Cuckoo-Clock Heart) in there too... it's really varied i guess. but apparently i'm in a very "witch"like music period according to my playlist but i'm really growing out of it and they're starting to annoy me more than anything. so, my music cycle is shifting again.... who knows what awaits....

good evening! whatcha mean my album lineup is fascinating... id love to tell you more about it but idk why it really is that interesting .... or? surprising? i guess >_>

yeah it is i think! at least to me

tbh mostly its just different from what i have been listening to but the minecraft + pikmin rlly stood out to me at least visually. i dont listen to a lotta video game osts or fansongs/parodies (i recognized fallen kingdom maybe?) anymore so its kinda nostalgic to see yk? i have such strong memories of listening to the katamari damacy ost and drawing like. homestuck fanart. it reminds me of that eheh

and its neato! like im thinkin what got u on those lately. and hazbin. aha

+ the others i didnt recognize at all so i just want to know more about em in general :3

[nuria-schnee]

HEY THERE DEMISEXUALS, IT'S ME, YA GIRL

Hey, it's Ace Awareness Week so... I thought, why not talking about my experience? I don't see enough demisexuals sharing stories and, really, it's fine. But it would've been very helpful for me a few years ago if I had read some, so, if my story helps someone, it'll be worth it.

So, let's start. It's quite a ride.

Right, so... Looking back now, I think the first time I realised something was up with me was when I was 12. I was starting high school and, suddenly, one day, I realised I was attracted to my best friend. And I was like *ALARM*, because she was a girl and that was enough of a crisis for me then. So, I thought, maybe I like girls? And, for my life, I couldn't accept that. So I forced myself to date a guy who asked me out one year later. It lasted one month. Didn't end up well. Kissing was fine some times but bah.

Things that happened too that year: I tried watching porn. My honest reaction? I laughed. I laughed hard. I didn't find it arousing at all. I found it ridiculous. Also, I started masturbating which was 10/10. But no porn. Kind of repulsed me even, after the first experience.

(Brief note about me, for context's sake: I'm very sexual. I always fancied the idea of sex. I even had kind of crushes with people but not the way most people had. So, problem? If you're reading this, you probably know which is.)

Anyway, after that year, I thought that maybe I truly liked girls but... I hadn't been attracted by anyone else but her.

I kept dismissing this feeling, trying to convince myself I was perfectly straight, just... Maybe... Prude? I had a couple more of opportunities with guys after that first bf and I... Couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to even kiss them for a while. I didn't feel anything.

When I was 15 I was in a very bad place mentally, very low self esteem, thought no one would ever want me. A guy popped up and I dived into a relationship with him like a dumbass. It lasted a year and a half. If you are triggered by sex issues maybe you want to skip to the next paragraph, it wasn't pretty and he was a huge dick. Thing is, he was older, wasn't caring at all, and kind of forced me into things. I don't think I liked one single time we had sex. It was kind of awful but I felt guilty and when I was that age the no is no movement hadn't reached our lives yet. Well, it left me with a bunch of traumas, which included a bit of vaginitis.

I had another bf after that. Wasn't so awful, sex, cause he was a nice guy and I thought I still didn't feel how I had to because I was a little traumatized.

And, then, I met HIM.

We were 16, in the same class. We grew close, ended up being great friends. And, hey, my dudes, this girl fell head over heels, in love, hard. And OH OH THERE COMES THE ATTRACTION.

It was crushing, the sensation. I went crazy inside sometimes, when he was close. Also, I had the luck that he had fallen for me too.

It's been almost six years and, let me tell you, the sensation just grows. It gets bigger as fast as the love grows. But, well, maybe it's because he's the love of my life and all and I'm just absolutely crazy about him. The love is strong here.

Even so, I didn't discover I was demipansexual since two years ago. And it's been quite a ride. I'm gonna make a list, more organized.

Trauma time baby: well, the consequences of that fucked up relationship caught me, in the end. I had a fit (and I know it's stupid) over not liking porn, of not understanding why I couldn't say a thing whenever someone asked me who would I fuck if I could, why I felt uncomfortable if my friend talked about hook-ups, why my bf could say or like those things (did it mean we loved differently?). It was a bad year, when all this plagued me. I was in the middle of a crisis with everything in my life and this was one of the things. Why I was different? I felt prude and meek. I felt if I was just repressed and didn't want to accept it. I felt wrong and cried over it a lot. I was 20, then.

Demisexuality term pops up: I don't know where I first saw it, but I remember searching it and being like hmmmmm. And then, the moment™: I searched 'am I demisexual test'. Which, my friends, we all know that you don't need the results, if you search this. It's water clear. Whatever, I saw the light, but I still didn't dare to call myself demisexual. Not because I wasn't sure, deep inside, just because I had certain doubts and nobody to compare myself with.

Doubts: I felt too sexual (still detaching from thinking myself prude, back then, still thinking I was repressed), I had crushes on fictional characters, could fancy them (it was quite a discovering to know the brain can't make distinction between real and fictional people; if you get attached, attraction can come too) (btw, I was really embarrassed by this one), I thought maybe I was still traumatized and that it was a matter of trust and not lack of attraction, and I'd had other relationships, not loved them, and sometimes liked the sex. So, I doubted. The resulution of those doubts, Demisexual. Demisexual as fuck. None of that mattered. None of that invalidated me. But it took long to realise.

Demipan epiphany: Remember I said I was attracted to my girl best friend? Well, after noticing it had happened a few more times in my life (not as strong as with my boo, even so) I thought, maybe I'm biromantic? But then I realised I didn't give a damn about if my boyfriend was a man or whatever. I loved him. He could come out as trans tomorrow and I would still be head over heels for them. So, demipansexual here.

BONUS - Writing epiphany: One of the things that helped me realise and clear my relationship with sex was how I write smut. And the kind of smut I read. AND what moves me while reading sex scenes. Yeah. Basically (and what a surprise, really), FEELINGS. I don't really feel much if it's just body parts and fluids and all that. But if there's a lot of feelings, you have me there. (Craving representation in media? Maybe. Probably. Yes.)

So, briefly, this is all.

Now, just so you know, I still have days when I feel lonely and I doubt myself. We all struggle. Actually, I've come out to just two persons and real life. No one in my house knows, mainly because I still don't know how I'm gonna explain this. But I'm not closeted anymore. (I’m sure I'm gonna here but that's what happens to everyone and I'm gonna be like NO). I have the love of my life and my friends who are incredibly supportive, so, it's alright.

So, my dear ace friends, wherever you are, however you identify, no matter if you're closeted or not or doubting or totally sure, know that you're not alone. And that you're cool. And that you're VALID.

Love to all of you. Stay safe.

[lenaglittleus]

To The Woman Addicted to Working Out

A year ago I shared this post on the blog about what happened when I stopped working out for a month.

I alluded to it in the post, but chose not to get into too much detail about my history with overexercising and how deep my disordered thought patterns had gone. I think it all still felt a little too fresh and real and per usual, I needed some extra time to process everything before I could share my experiences.

I finally feel like I’m in a good place with my body. A really good place. This doesn’t mean I’m immune to insecurities or feeling like my jeans fit a little too tight some days, but I no longer let that dictate my life. I think how you react to these thoughts, that are normal and human, is truly what’s indicative of recovery.

Because for many years of my life I let these thoughts and subsequent actions dictate my entire life.

But let’s rewind.

I’m 23 and staring at myself in the mirror in a tight-fighting dress and I begin to cry. I told C I wasn’t going out that night because I was “too fat”. I was 114 lbs and at the smallest I had ever been. I had a flat tummy, lean legs and what many girls would have defined as “fit”. I, however, could not see any of this. What I saw in the mirror was someone completely different. I saw someone who was inadequate. Who lacked willpower. Who everyone would be staring at for not have worked out that day.

Yes, I know this sounds crazy. But all I could see in the mirror was the girl who skipped her workout that day because well, life happened. I couldn’t get to the gym and therefore could not wear the tight-fitting dress and subsequently would never be able to attend the party that night. This was how messed up my thought-patterns were. And we haven’t even tackled the headspace of not being able to drink because I hadn’t worked out…

Clearly, I was in a pretty bad place.

But of course, I was the only one who couldn’t see it. No matter what people said to me or probing questions that were thrown my way, I did not see anything wrong with my behavior. I mean I worked out (albeit A LOT), I ate healthy and it maybe isn’t the worst thing in the world that I didn’t want to drink or party.

On the conventional health scale, I was off-the-charts. On the mental health scale, I was a whopping zero.

At that point in my life, there was nothing that anyone could say to me that would make me realize how bad things had gotten. I needed to learn that lesson for myself.

That lesson came a few months later when I did some major damage to my knee while running on a treadmill. I was in denial for a while. The pain was excruciating, but I ignored it. If I couldn’t run, I would jump. If I couldn’t jump, I would lift. I did whatever I could tolerate until a physiotherapist finally told me that if I ever wanted to live pain-free again, I would have to take a break. A long break.

What I see now that I couldn’t then was that she saw me struggling. She saw the issue as far deeper than knee pain. She saw the girl who cried into the mirror and whose life revolved around exercise. Perhaps she had been one of those girls. Perhaps you are one of those girls. If so, I hope this post speaks to you.

Life is not about what is on your workout plan for that day. It’s not BBG or TIU or how many miles you ran. You are not defined by your ability to push your body to its limits. Your strength is not measured in curls or deadlifts. And you are not defined by your body.

It’s easy for me to say this now after 5 years recovering both physically and eventually, mentally from the awful place I was in. If you are in it now, I see you. I feel you. I was you. I know exactly how you are feeling and I know you fear what will happen when you let go of the reigns.

But those chains you grip are doing you more harm than good.

If your life revolves around exercise, I can assure you that other areas of your life will suffer. You will lose friendships, miss out on relationships, burn your adrenals and potentially have long-term health consequences that I’m only now just learning about.

What is challenging about being addicted to exercise is similar to the obstacles of having an eating disorder. It’s not as though you can go cold turkey on food or exercise and continue to live your life without them. It is a drug you will never quit, but instead have to learn to live with in a far more moderate and kinder fashion.

This is the hardest part of recovery. Redefining your limits. Learning what it means to listen to your body. Accepting that moving is simply enough and that some days even this isn’t possible.

So how did I get from the girl crying in front of the mirror to the girl writing to you now? Honestly, it took a lot of work. I shed a lot of tears and I learned to vocalize all of my fears.

First things first, I took a break. Actually, I took several breaks. For someone who is addicted to exercise, the thought of not working out is terrifying. To me “not working out” meant doing a power flow. It meant going on a light run. It did not mean rest. But rest is what you need. Whether you’re injured or are feeling the mental effects of burnout, my biggest piece of advice to you is to SLOOOOOOOW DOWN. Be kinder to yourself. Go on a walk, take a nap. Drink some tea. Find other things in your life that bring you joy and do those.

Secondly, talk about it. Maybe it’s with a friend or a therapist (I highly recommend you seek professional help btw) or maybe it’s with the entire internet. One of the most healing pieces of my journey, was you guys. Talking about life outside the gym, my changing body and discovering other areas of joy beyond the gym with you was a huge help in being where I am now. I’ve quoted my friend Natasha Adamo about this more times than I can count, but “you don’t need to be healed to help”. I’m still not fully healed, but helping any of you has helped to heal me.

Lastly, educate yourself on the long-term impacts of overexercise. Learn what adrenal fatigue means. Check to see if your hormones are out of whack and truly listen to the signs of your body. My knee pain, turned into leg pain and then turned into back pain. I ended up in the hospital after passing out several times from a combination of adrenal fatigue, b12 deficiency and severe pain. All induced by overexercise. What I would do to give back that flat tummy to avoid all of these experiences…

Eventually you will get to a place where you can move intuitively, but only once you learn that exercise must come from a place of love and not from a place of hate.

You will have to rediscover what feels good for your body and you will have to be humble in your pursuits. It’s not always about pushing yourself to extremes, but about listening closely to what your body needs. Oftentimes your strength is shown not in how much you work out, but when you choose not to.

This is where I’m at these days. I have seasons of my life when I workout more than others. I don’t follow a plan, but I listen instead to what my body needs. Most of the time it’s a walk. I walk a lot. It feels so so good and I’ve never come back after a walk feeling worse than when I left.

Sometimes I need to sweat it out. Sometimes I need some death trap pilates equipment that makes walking a real challenge for the next 3 days. And sometimes I want to spin my heart out at SoulCycle. But if life gets the best of me and I need to relax on the couch, instead of working out, that’s cool too.

I gave up a lot when I quit my obsessive exercise, but what I got in return is priceless. I had room for friendships, instead of long runs. I learned all about hormones (and subsequently what NOT to do), which also introduced me to the world of green beauty. I discovered what self-compassion meant instead of numbing my pain with anti-inflammatories. I had room in my head to think about things besides when my next workout would be, which meant I could finally start living my life instead of planning it.

When I look back on pictures of that girl, I don’t see someone who was fit. I see someone who was sad. Who lost her identity in her body instead of using it as a tool to create the life she wanted.

My story ends happily. But there are so many young women out there who are struggling. I hope I can speak to that girl staring back at you in the mirror. I hope she hears me when I say that you are NOT your body. That the gym will never give you the love you are seeking. That you have so much to offer the world so it’s time to start exploring what that means.

I also want her to know that it’s okay to take a break. And that eventually you will find a more moderate way to move your body. Movement that is rooted in compassion and not manipulation.

So if you’re that girl. I’m sending you the biggest hug. I know how you feel, but I also know that with a little patience and a lot of love, you will be okay. There is so much more to life than reps, weights and runs. I’m so excited for you to uncover what that means.

Much love,

D

P.S. If you’re interested in learning more about my exercise philosophy and how I move my body, check out my latest YouTube video HERE.

*pictures courtesy of Bettina Bogar or me

No questions – just your thoughts.

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