#like genuinely that was soooo me during the semester

[markedbyindecision]

i can feel house md rewiring my brain in real time

[foreingersgod]

what about like a paige x reader like they met on vacation somewhere during a break and then they hooked up or something thinking they would never see eachother again but turns out reader is the new uconnwbb team manager

Naked in Manhattan . PB

pairing: paige bueckers x reader

synopsis: you were devastated to face the reality that you’d never get to see your one night stand while on vacation, but maybe the universe has other plans for you

new crush

high school love again

it was finally spring break. no more midterms or study sessions to worry about, just your feet in the sand and a drink in your hand. you and your roommates had planned a small trip to california to celebrate the hard work you’d all put in for the semester. nothing too extravagant, just a quaint beach house right off the coast to let all of your worries wash away.

it was beautiful, just big enough for the 4 of you. when you had arrived you were practically planning out everything you would be doing. a week of doing nothing but sitting on a soft towel, bathing in the sun, listening to the waves crash while you read your book sounded like heaven.

but your roommates had other plans for you. they had heard about a ‘beach bro party’, whatever the hell that was, that a local fraternity was throwing. anyone and every was was apparently invited. the second the raggedy flyer hit the cool marble counter tops of your air b&b, you knew any plans of relaxation were gone.

so there you were on your second night of vacation, crammed into the single bathroom with your roommates, doing your makeup and hair for this dumb party. if it weren’t for the girls begging you to come, you truly would have stayed behind. but they were too convincing and now you were here, shoving your boobs into the most uncomfortable bra known to man and dousing yourself in perfume.

after about 30 minutes at the frat party you were about ready to call it quits. the drinks were absolutely foul (you were sure it was straight acid) and the lights and heavy music were giving you a blaring headache. spring break was starting to feel less and less fun as you pretended to enjoy whatever the hell was going on in that house. you didn’t know anyone, your roommates had ditched you for some random frat guys, and you didn’t have the keys to get back home. in hopes that you could wait it out, you snuck off into a corner of the house, taking a seat on the cigarette smoke infused sofa.

you tried to distract yourself until at least one of your roommates was finished fucking around with a guy so you could leave. closing your eyes, fiddling with the frayed threads of your shorts, scrolling on your phone, nothing helped to kill the boredom. you were about ready to stand up and drag your friends out the door yourself until someone approached the couch, taking a seat next to you.

she had a drink in hand, half empty, still laughing about something someone shouted across the room. she was tall, blonde, and if you were being honest, smoking hot. you glanced at her briefly to try and study her face, trying not to make it too obvious. her hair was pulled back into a flattering ponytail, body clad in a black tshirt and jeans, teeth a sparkling white as you watched her smile and laugh. she was definitely your type.

but eventually, your stares began to linger a little bit too long and she caught you. her eyes meeting with yours just before you could turn away.

“you good?” she asked, setting her drink down the on coffee table.

“hm?” you asked, trying to sound oblivious “yea i’m fine”

“are you sure, cause you keep looking over here”

“i don’t know what you’re talking about” you felt her gaze linger on you, too nervous to make eye contact with her.

“yea,” she laughed, scoffing under her breath “sure you don’t”

“i’m serious, i think you’re a bit drunk cause i genuinely don’t”

“well i’m sober enough to know that you keep staring at me when im not looking soooo”

“why would i being staring at you, huh?” you retorted “a bit full of yourself?”

“maybe it’s because, i don’t know, you see something you like?” now she was just fucking with you. she had this stupid, lopsided grin on her face as she watched your jaw drop in offense.

“oh please”

“i don’t know,” she said “you hesitated there, think i’m right”

you resisted rolling your eyes “and so what? god forbid i look at an attractive woman? my bad”

“so you admit then?” she questioned “that’s why you were staring?”

“if that makes you feel better? then sure, yes that’s why i was staring” you bit your lip and watched as her tongue darted between her teeth, swiping her bottom lip. she eyed you up and down, eyes darkening.

“it actually does” she scooted closer to you, arm extending past you to lay across the back of the couch “what’s your name?”

“…YN” your breathe caught in your throat as her thigh came in contact with yours. “you?”

“paige”

The rush of slumber party kissing

somewhere in between the banter and the alcohol, paige’s tongue found its way down your throat. she had so politely invited you upstairs while her hands were already making their way up you shirt. you obliged and followed her upstairs to some abandoned bedroom while you tried to ignore the aching feeling between your legs.

the door gently clicked behind you as you shut it. when you turned around, paige was already pressing you against the wall. her lips finding their way to your neck and sucking lightly at the smooth skin. you audibly moaned, fingers automatically diving into her scalp and tugging lightly at her blonde locks.

you shuddered when you felt her fingers against the skin of your abdomen again, creeping their way up your shirt like they had previously. she stopped at the bottom of your bra as she pulled away from your neck.

“this ok?” she asked.

you hummed in response, nodding your head violently, taking her face in your hands to plant a passionate kiss on her lips. with little hesitation, she was already pulling your top over your head and unclasping your bra, hands desperately squeezing at your breasts as she backed you up towards the bed.

with lips still attached, the back of your knees hit the foot of the bed causing you to fall onto your back gently. paige followed and climbed atop your body, not letting her hands off of you.

out of breathe and wanting more, you pulled away, tugging at the bottom of her shirt. “can i?”

she didn’t need to hear anymore. the black piece of fabric was already being thrown to the floor, revealing her sports bra which you also tore off her. what a lovely sight to see, you thought.

not long after, both of your pants were discarded, then your panties, and then her boxers. she planted wet kisses down your abdomen, throwing your legs over her shoulders as she made herself comfortable between your thighs.

“is this crazy?” you panted. you managed to bite back a moan of pleasure to look down at her, seeing her look up at you with eyes blown with lust.

“maybe a little” she said “but i can’t help myself”

Don't touch, I'll never cross the line

So I pushed you down a million times

waves crashed against the shore outside, chatter of people walking by slithered past the window of this foreign room you were in. your head was throbbing as you rose from your slumber, you definitely had too much to drink.

shuffling sounded from the other side of the room, causing you to fully wake. you looked over, pulling up the sheets above your bare body, to see paige was already awake. she was almost completely dressed, buttoning up her pants and lacing up her sneakers.

“was i that bad?”

her head snapped in your direction, startled to hear your voice. part of her wanted you to say it again, liking the way the it groveled from the early hours of the morning.

“no” she laughed, offering a smile “you were amazing actually”

“you weren’t too bad yourself”

she was beginning to look around for her keys and wallet, seemingly ignoring you as you remained in bed, still naked and vulnerable.

your brain was screaming at you, begging you to call out to her. part of you wanted to ask for her number, ask for her to stay with you. but the other part of you knew what this was, this wasn’t a date or anything serious. sure, you had developed a liking to paige over the course of the night you spent together. how could you not? she absolutely worshipped you, made you erupt with pleasure, was so sweet to you. this wasn’t something you wanted to let go. but it was unrealistic, you lived miles away from here in another state and paige most definitely had her own things to worry about. pursuing her was not in your cards.

so you kept your mouth shut, watching her shove her keys into her pocket. you assumed she’d just walk out, mutter a goodbye and leave, but she paused and turned to you.

“i-uh, don’t normally do things like that” she said, trying not to look at the outline of your body beneath the duvet “but i wanted to say thanks. i know that that’s cringe, but it’s true. you were…unforgettable”

you could tell she was going through the same thing. mind swamped with conflicting emotions, wanting to stay to see how this played out but also forcing herself to be realistic.

“you too” you gave her a bittersweet smile.

she just nodded at you before heading to the door, fingers wrapping around the cold metal handle.

“bye, YN”

“bye, paige”

and just like that, she was gone. maybe in another lifetime you’d get more time.

I'd love if you knew you were on my mind

Constant like cicadas in the summertime

every since that morning, paige had invaded your thoughts. the remaining time you had on vacation was spent obsessing over what could have been, what might have happened if you just asked for her number. spring break didn’t even seem fun anymore. you didn’t join your friends as they explored the shops in the city or attend anymore parties they managed to scope out. instead you went to the beach, like you originally intended, letting your mind wander as you listened to the ocean. something in you wished that the nagging feeling would eventually go away.

it never did though. even after break was long over, all of you heading home and resuming your schoolwork, she was still on your mind. it made it difficult to do anything. getting homework done, attending lectures, going out on weekends. it was useless because all you could think about was paige. your heart ached as daydreams of her consumed you.

back at UCONN you were doing your best to keep motivated. trying to rid your mind of a foolish dream that you knew was never going to come true. you tried joining clubs and making new friends just to distract yourself. you had even gone so far as to get a new job for the university, taking on the position as the assist team manager for their women’s basketball team. it was a perfect match: you, someone with a general liking and background for basketball who needed to get her life back in order, and a team who was thriving and needed all the help they could get.

Boys suck and girls I've never tried

And we both know we're getting drunk tonight

you woke up at 6:00 am on the dot. it was going to be your first day on the job and you wouldn’t be caught looking unpresentable, so you made sure to give yourself time to get ready.

it was a lovely day as you stepped outside of your apartment building. birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and the traffic was light enough that it didn’t give you a migraine. you made the decision to walk to work, let your thoughts dissipate as you tried to enjoy a relaxing morning.

the walk, like you had hoped, was freeing. you didn’t feel as anxious anymore as you walked into the building, ready to tackle the trials of the day. being the new girl, you had to go through all the new orientation material. get your ID picture taken, fill out some paperwork, the whole process. then it was time to meet with geno and the rest of the management crew.

“you must be YN” he shook your hand firmly “it’s nice to meet you”

“the pleasure is all my mine” you grinned. you made your way around the room, introducing yourself to any unfamiliar faces and learning more about what the job would entail. after some light mingling, geno found you again.

“the girls are out there warming up right now, are you ready to get acquainted with team?”

“definitely”

shoes squeaked against the glossy gym floor, heavy breathing filled the room as you followed geno into the gym. you watched as the girls made shots, passed the ball, and ran drills with ease. it was quite impressive. geno had hollered for them to gather upon your entrance, signaling for them to form a circle so he could introduce you.

you stood timidly next to him, watching the girls round up. trying to inspect each girl carefully as they approached the huddle. they all looked extremely kind. a few offered you a smile or a wave and you smiled in return.

then, as geno began talking, the final few girls joined the group. the last girl in particular had grabbed your attention. you couldn’t see her face very well, only able to catch glimpses of her as she pushed her way through to the front. but when she emerged past the front row, your heart skipped a beat and your breathe caught in your throat. you wouldn’t miss that familiar blonde in a thousand years.

“this is going to be the newest member of the team,” geno stepped aside, putting you on the spotlight “YN, she’s our new assistant team manager. i expect you all to get to know each other and play nice. i’m looking at you paige”

it hadn’t felt real until you heard her name. like it was ingrained in your mind, you finally found the courage to lock eyes with her. there she was in all her glory, staring back at you in disbelief. while everyone else laughed at geno’s innocent joke, greeting you briefly before heading back to their warmups, you and paige remained frozen. she stood across from you, confused expression on her face. you felt like you couldn’t move, like you couldn’t breathe.

“YN” her voice was barely above a whisper.

“paige”

she looked over her shoulder, assessing to see if anyone was paying attention before walking over to you. paige lightly grabbed your forearm, leading you off the gym floor and into a more secluded corner of the building. you had to admit, it only took that one touch to make your heart start racing again.

“what are you doing here?” she asked, now that you were in a private area.

“what am i doing here?” you asked in return “what are you doing here?”

“well obviously i play basketball here”

“ok smart ass,” you rolled your eyes, she hadn’t changed much “i just meant that i had no idea you were going to be here”

“i thought you knew” she breathed “when we met, i thought you knew who i was. i thought that’s why you were staring at me that night”

“of course i didn’t know!” you were unsure what to say.

“have you really been at UCONN this whole time?” she continued “oh my god this is insane”

“what are the odds, right?”

“i thought i’d never see you again”

“me neither” you said before an uncomfortable silence fell between you. nor you or paige had ever expected to see each other again, accepting your fate that you would evidently go your separate ways.

“so what now?” she asked.

“would you…i don’t know what to get a drink or something?” a poor attempt at asking her out “that sounded really fucking dumb, but i’d like to catch up”

“yea,” she scratched the back of neck, trying to hide the goofy smile that formed on her lips “i’d like that”

Touch me, baby, put your lips on mine

Could go to hell but we'll probably be fine

the dress you were wearing was practically suffocating you. neckline scratching your chest, straps digging into your shoulders, hemline riding up your thighs every time you moved. the bar stool you sat at was of no comfort, either. you shifted uncomfortably as you looked around the bar, waiting for any sign of paige. you had made plans for the weekend to meet up so you could make up for lost time.

the night was beginning to drag on and it was getting awfully close to 8:00 pm. you hoped she wasn’t going to stand you up. but, as if on cue, the door to the bar opened revealing a very exasperated paige. she spotted you there, alone with a drink already in front of you.

“hey i’m so sorry” she apologized for her near tardiness “traffic was a bitch”

“it’s ok, was just worried you’d stand me up” you joked.

“i wouldn’t miss it for the world”

you blushed, looking down at your drink. paige ordered one of her own before finally settling in the seat next to yours. you didn’t think she could look anymore beautiful, seeing her there with her hair cascading around her face and dressed in neat clothing. she eyed you carefully, it was starting to seem like a habit the way she kept sneaking glances at you.

“you look beautiful” she chewed on the inside of her cheek.

“stop” you laughed.

“no really” she shook her head, swallowing deeply “i mean it, you’re breath taking”

“well thank you, and thanks for agreeing to go out tonight. i’ll be honest…i’ve been thinking about you…like a lot”

“i’ve been thinking about you too” her demeanor started to shift “i really regretted just walking out that night. i was in my head and i just assumed that we’d be going our separate ways”

“i don’t blame you, i was too” you tired to offer consolation “i mean who would have assumed that we both went to the same school and just happened to vacation in the same place?”

she laughed at that, finally giving you a relaxed and genuine smile.

“a crazy coincidence…i’m really really happy you’re here, YN. this just doesn’t feel real”

“i glad i’m here too” you felt like a weight was lifted off your chest, no more wondering about who paige was or what she did. you knew now, she was here with you.

hours went by as you and paige reveled in conversation, spilling every detail, every story, every memory of your lives. it felt like this was meant to be, that the universe had purposely aligned yours and paige’s path. it felt so natural to talk to her. she was easy going and funny, she was an attentive listener and laughed at all your jokes. it was unbelievable that you found her again and you were more than grateful.

“would you-i don’t know, maybe this is too forward” paige began, gaze flickering between your eyes and your lips as you were finishing up your drinks “would you want to come back to my apartment?…i don’t want this night to end”

“i would love that” you blurted with urgency, butterflies forming in your stomach.

she nodded, not even bothering to respond. her hand came in contact with yours as she paid your tab and dragged you out of the bar.

cold air nipped at your bare skin as you walked with paige to her car. she politely opened the door for you, helping you in. the drive to her place wasn’t long at all, but you had noticed she was right, traffic was a bitch. but her music taste was impeccable and you had plenty to talk about so the drive didn’t feel excessive at all.

when you arrived at her apartment, she pulled out her keys to unlock the door, hinges creaking as she led you inside. it was a perfect little apartment from what you could see. it was warm and cozy, definitely well loved, and you thought it fit her perfectly. she turned on the lights and told you to take a seat on the couch and make yourself comfortable.

paige sat next you, leaving a few inches between you two. the distance and the dimly lit room took you back to spring break. it felt like you never left.

“i like your place,” you commented “it suits yo-”

“can i kiss you?”

“what?”

“please” she closed the gap between you, scooting closer to you just like before “i don’t think i can sit here, replaying that night in my head over and over and not know what it feels like to have your lips on mine again”

you let out a breathe, not realizing you had been holding it in the first place. she looked desperate, leaning into you, hands making their way up to cradle your jaw. her fingers caressed the curve of your chin, fingers hooking underneath to pull you in. but she stopped, painfully waiting for your response.

“yes” you said “please, please kiss me already”

so she did, teeth clashing with yours in haste, pulling you into her without a second thought.

I know you want it, baby, you can have it

your discarded clothes made a messy trail down the hallway to paige’s bedroom. your shirt crumpled on the couch, belt slung over the stair railings, bra tossed onto the end of her bed. her clothes followed, making a pile on the floor. your hands were buried in her hair as she nibbled at your ear, then kissing down to your collarbone. the room was silent all except for your breathy moans and the disgustingly erotic, wet sounds from paige’s lips.

it was needy, it was passionate, and it was absolutely perfect. the way her body fit with yours like a puzzle, it was written in the stars.

Oh, I've never done it, let's make it cinematic

Like that one sex scene that's in Mulholland Drive

it could’ve been a scene from a movie. something you’d watch as teenage girl, when you’re at a slumber party with your friends and someone snuck in an R rated movie. and you’d all watch it, gasping and giggling when the actors would start to take of their clothes. you would stare at the screen while everyone was pretending to gag and freaking out, shutting it off before it got too intense, but all you could think about what how beautiful it was. that those two people loved each other so much that it was like fireworks going off, every touch and every word muttered served as a declaration of love.

that’s what it was like with paige. it was like that movie had come to life. everything about it was like something from a fantasy.

the satin sheets bunched around paige’s hips as she worshipped you. the gentle whimpering in your ear as she rutted into you. your not so gentle moans as you came undone around her fingers. how the room was hot and humid from your pure passion.

all of it was pure magnificence.

I wanna know, baby, what is it like?

I know you want it, baby, you can have it

you awoke the next morning, sunshine filtering in through smoggy clouds. paige began to stir next to you, arms finding their way from under the blanket to the bareness of your torso where she traced meaningless shapes into your skin.

“good morning” she muttered into the pillow, still fighting off sleep.

“morning” you beamed, watching her eyes flutter open “how’d you sleep?”

“better than i ever have”

you yawned with a lopsided grin, soaking in her elegance as she sat up to stretch. the world might as well have just stopped from the way she looked at you, like you were the only thing that mattered.

“hey paige?”

“hm?”

Oh, I've never done it,

“please don’t let me go this time”

naked in Manhattan

“i won’t” she replied “never again”

[simpjaes]

ur genuinely one of the best writers i’ve ever come across on tumblr (and probably everywhere else too!) and i just love how original ur ideas and stories are i cant imagine how much thought and effort u put it into it especially also being a student im pretty sure

i’m just so thankful i found an author on here who matches my freak and doesn’t do the same basic ass badboy x shy virgin reader trope that i feel is soooo overdone it makes me go crazy

anyway bless ur beautiful mind 🙏ily

don't look at me rn, im crying happy tears ;O; thank you so much!! I do try very hard to take basic tropes and make them...well, my own, and sometimes i work rly hard to come up with my own unique things to write. It's my fave thing fr, i love love love exploring new dynamics that aren't often seen [or are, just explored differently]

but yeah, being a student really puts a damper on my writing but it's worth it bc i wanna have like, idk, a nice and comfy lifestyle lmfao. My next semester will be starting soon and it's another 5 days a week full of classes so I might not be able to write as much again here pretty soon, but as long as i'm releasing drabbles throughout and one solid fic during my breaks I think i'll feel satisficed with my progress. [i do still have a worry that ppl will get impatient and start attacking me but oh well i guess] omg im yapping

ANYWAY, thank you so much <3 ilym

[brunchbitch]

Update of sorts

Just got through my first week of classes (second to last semester!) and I’m not crazy about 2 out of 3 professors, but oh well. All of them seem like hard asses and tough graders so that’ll be interesting. I’m jealous that so many of my classmates are graduating in May but the trade off was a much more manageable fall schedule. Idk.

I’ve been doing well-ish with cutting down on weed. A couple weeks ago right after the new year I tried to go back to my schedule of no weed during the week (well… really just Tuesday through Thursday lmao) but I had AWFUL trauma dreams and it really affected my mood. So last week I didn’t do as well, though definitely less smoking in the week. This week I took edibles Tuesday night bc I wanted to make sure I would sleep well before my internship, but I didn’t have anything Wednesday or Thursday night. I had some fucked up weird dreams for sure BUT they weren’t directly trauma related so definitely easier to handle. It’s definitely an ongoing challenge but I’m hoping I’ll get used to this schedule and it’ll just become second nature.

Therapy with B is good - we’re now switching to every other week! NEVER thought I wouldn’t be in weekly therapy!! I was worried my behaviors would escalate bc I’m scared of “getting better” and being seen as not sick, but so far so good and it’s helpful to be aware of it.

My parents are coming out next weekend and my mom and I are going wedding dress shopping!!!! Crazy!!!! But we still have 554 days until the wedding so I have plenty of time. This will be more to get a sense of what styles/silhouettes I like. It’s gonna be surreal to look in the mirror with a wedding dress on. Hoping my mom isn’t too opinionated if we disagree lol.

I can’t remember if I have said this on here yet but A and I have decided to move to Seattle in august! I’m soooo excited but also nervous to be close to my family again. A also feels conflicted about it but we’ll take it one day at a time and it doesn’t necessarily need to be permanent. It feels a little silly career wise to leave Boston which is a city with such amazing hospitals and go to Seattle which has one level one trauma center, but I might want to work in a specialized outpatient clinic anyway. I would NOT want to work in an ED so maybe it doesn’t really matter. I think it would be really cool to be a medical social worker in an outpatient cancer clinic working with young adults, though I know that’s very specific and I’m not sure exactly what’s available out there. I’ve started to look at jobs just to get a sense, but obviously I’ll have to study for and pass my licensing exam first. I would love to take more Spanish classes while I’m working on that. I miss it!

Overall things are really good. I keep waiting for shit to hit the fan but idk… weed plus A plus a meaningful internship (last year too) has led to such a long period of stability (well long for me lol). A and I were talking about how at the end of this decade he will be 43 (!!!) and I’ll be 39. I started thinking about my life seven years ago at 24 and it feels like I was a completely different person. I would’ve laughed in your face if you told me I would be where I am today. Idk. It’s weird. I worry that one day I’ll relapse with my depression bc I genuinely feel… happy? So it’s kind of easier to not use behaviors. But if I felt depressed and hopeless, things might be very different. I guess I have to remind myself to take it one day at a time.

Edit: I also started on propranolol a couple months ago and WOW has it made a difference in my anxiety especially at my internship. I feel like I’ve worked really hard to work on the mental distortions, but the physical aspect of the anxiety has just been so tricky. After taking neurobiology last summer, I really am recognizing that trauma can have such long term effects on your body.

[pastramimommy]

2024 Reflection 12/28/24

Well well well, we went into the year with an inkling that this one would be a doozy and boy were we right. But we were prepared? lol What on paper would seem like a terrible year felt like one of the best years I've had. I feel proud, secure, powerful and exactly where I need to be. In february, I moved to kansas city for chris and started a new job and a new life where i knew no one but him. 4 months later, right before my birthday he dumped me out of the blue over the phone. In july I moved back in with my parents with no job prospects. In August I started my doctorate program and scored an awesome job opportunity. In November I finished my first semester with a 4.0, while adjusting to a new job and moving to an amazing new home. I never really believed I was that resilient but now I do lol but I am SOOOOOO blessed to have the support that I do. and now, I get to be near my family and friends again. And I can finally start building the rest of my life with some certainty.

Physical: This is probably the best shape I've ever been in lmao my fitness goals shifted to focus more on calisthenics and pole rather than appearance. And the appearance definitely followed naturally. I genuinely look forward to exercising and was able to maintain consistency during school. Milestones achieved includes 7 pull ups, 3 dips, pistol squat, shrimp squat (kinda), left front splits, right front splints (kinda), backbend from standing, hanging L sit, hanging leg lift. I was very consistent with pole in KC but got off track with the move but will be trying to get back into it in the new year. Pole tricks achieved: outside leg hang, jade, butterfly, crucifix, ballerina.

Spiritual: I would say that my relationship with God is stronger than ever after everything that happened. I prayed basically every day and tried to let go of all the anxiety I had from our relationship. I came out of everything calmly and seeing everything so clearly. I felt at peace. So I knew this was right and all part of the plan. I really liked the church I found in KC, but extracted the lessons from it without including Jesus as the centerpiece of it all. I went to church with Maxine while I was living in Carlsbad and I enjoyed that church as well. I certainly have not accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior at this time, but I wouldn't say I have given up but also wouldn't say I have been actively trying. I will be looking for a new church in the new year and we'll see where that takes me. I was fairly consistent with my morning reflection up until the move to La Jolla, will need to solidify my morning routine to include this.

Mental: Girl why is was this the most stable I've ever felt lol it's actually crazy. Like this was the toughest year I've experienced but I feel so happy and honestly just so extremely blessed and grateful. I preemptively saw a therapist a single time in KC and she said I didn't need her. I guess we are in a good fuckin spot! As I identified as a priority last year, I focused on controlling only what I could control (goes back to giving it up to God) and truly believing that everything is happening the way its supposed to. I chose peace and really did not fall into many spirals of self doubt and lack of confidence. Even in this new job where I am sedating the patients aka doing something I always felt I was too scared to do, I am gentle with myself and remember that I can only do my best. Young Hayley would be so proud to see how the anxiety and stress has melted away despite life only getting harder lmao

Financial: I hit a financial milestone of 100,000 net worth!! woohoo! BUT i wasn't paying rent for half the year lmao I REALLY REALLY need to improve on sticking to the goddamn budget. it was challenging to really do that for the latter half of the year but now that I have an income and rent I have try harder to check my spending regularly.

Friend/family relationships: The mf cup was overflowing in KC! I was soooo happy with the friendships I'd made to the point I almost didn't want to leave! I know Jackie, Kenzie and Holly will be my forever homies and I am so certain God put them in my life intentionally. I've seen a handful of people since I've been back but I'm definitely not hanging out with people on a regular basis with school. I am nowhere close to having a squad in San Diego yet lol but I'm ending the year with a group of coworkers I genuinely enjoy and plan to hang out with outside of work in the new year. I am hoping that once I start pole I can find some community there and keep being assertive with strangers as I usually do lol I LOOOOOVE being home for family events now. I feel like my relationships with my immediate and extended family are flourishing and will only be getting better. And our family is growing with weddings and babies so there is just so much to look forward to.

Romantic relationships: This year concluded the first long term relationship that I genuinely saw a future in. I thought I was going to marry this man. But instead, I dodged a massive fuckin bullet and learned a ton about myself and what I need in a partner. I do not miss chris, if I'm being honest the only feeling I have is that I want to "win" which I recognize is super not healthy lol but i'm just being self aware. I recognize my faults in the relationship and I take everything Chris said to me very seriously and I will prioritize improving my communication skills moving forward. I know that I need someone who isn't afraid to communicate and be forthcoming. Hoping that now that I don't date below the age of 29 maybe these men will have figured that out by now. According to my 2024 wrapped presentation I will have gone on 10 first dates in the last half of the year. I am not particularly impressed by anyone yet. Jack is still a potential but I'm not gonna hold my breath. My biggest issue is that I get all excited about the thought of someone then lose interest (bc I get to know them better or the sex or god knows what). I worry that I am focused too much on the checklist (>5'11", educated, makes equivalent or more than me, yada yada) so it is more of a game rather than actually making a connection. But alas, no winners yet! I am not discouraged, but I would prefer to meet someone IRL.

Hobbies: I have accepted that many fun things in my life would take a back seat once school started. But in the first half of the year, I stayed consistent with embroidery and reading. I started baking bread in KC, but don't have a starter anymore lol this was a pretty shit year for my cooking skills bc I was either survival eating or living with my parents. Pole was definitely the star of the show this year!

Trips/fun things: I didn't really do much bc all my money and time was sucked away by the multiple moves and school starting! but i think i did pretty good considering the circumstances. Spent the holidays in CA and saw HEKS and cunts. I visited KC for med school prom. Went to Mardi Gras with cunts, definitely the best trip this year! Went to LA for Mia's debut. Gerr visited me. Went to Houston for my brother's grad (and proposal!!) and Atlanta for Ben's Brit Mitzvah. Spicy visited me in KC. Rhode Island for Cassie's wedding. HEKS and Cunts visited me in SD. Uncle david's boxing match and Roxanne's wedding. Camille visited me in SD. Concerts: galantis, barely alive, jacquees, noodz/sosupersam, lucky daye, kehlani, sabrina carpenter, svdden death, armnhmr

[kokomiin]

ok time for my full thoughts on persona 5 royal, salt included but also good things first

in a gameplay sense i definitely think it’s the best version of the game, they improved mementos a hella amount which is one of my favourite things, i love the music in new layer. and jose is adorable. maruki and akechi’s social links were my other favourite additions, not just that but the benefits you get from them are great. I ended up liking sumire a lot during the last arc, but from the start up until later i found her implementation in the game to be kind of clunky and it broke up the flow of things too much and she felt very separate from the rest of the phantom thieves. big ‘extra character’ vibes, i wish there were more moments with her like at the hawaii trip.

i like some of the changes they made to the bosses, except okumura was trash don’t fight me on this, and the will seeds were a fun thing too. akechi’s social link didn’t really change how his traitor reveal was handled but it did add more to the character that i already loved, and maruki I thought fit in so well with the game. although it’s weird that he and sumire don’t have any scene at the part where everyone is cheering on the phantom thieves while they fight yaldabaoth.

I quite enjoyed the third semester, maruki’s palace was a lot of fun and his final boss was even better I loved every minute of it. super great music, good emotional vibes all around, I enjoyed it so much and akechi as a party member in this arc was really cool. I thought his characterisation was good and it made me like him even more than I thought I could. but, because I was so happy with how the maruki stuff was done, that made how the rest of the ending went all the more disappointing...

I barely even know how to start this. Just... well, now I’ve experienced the ending where you accept maruki’s reality this morning, I feel like they were just trying to go for a simple ‘opposites’ kind of thing when they wrote the true ending..? it honestly felt to me like whoever was in charge of this stuff kind of gave up. I get the characters are meant to have had some kind of growth after seeing maruki’s ideal world, and want to work towards that happiness with their own strength, but they could have had them do that without just having everyone go “I’m moving away!” it feels like a cheap way of pulling at the player’s heart strings to have them all separate conveniently without a strong reason, joker moving away and akechi being dead is already bittersweet enough in my opinion.

in the maruki ending they talk about how they’re all together etc, so I see the true ending’s result as being meant as some kind of ‘harsh reality’ sort of thing, but it just feels unnecessary and like it goes against the main theme of the game in the first place which is the strong bonds between people, the outcasts coming together and finding a place to belong. they’re supposed to be maturing in the true ending here i guess, which is fine for haru and makoto but the rest of them are still in high school and they’ve all only known each other for a year. with this kind of context i really didn’t feel like they were going to last being friends after separating.

and the ending cutscene was soooo awkward and clunky, I really felt like they were just struggling to fit everything together over the original ending. I could barely follow what was going on cause it was so awkward, too many stops and starts. and then it ends completely opposite to the original ending with everyone waving goodbye to joker... but it feels like, for what? but that’s not all. I could at least deal with this lukewarm bitter ending if maruki’s character got a proper conclusion, his part at the end of the boss fight was great! I thought, probably what should happen for him next is that he moves forward trying to understand the human heart properly and help people with therapy in a genuine way, changing his philosophy and making up for his egoism. 

but instead.. he’s a taxi driver??? what??? it just feels like he can’t be a therapist or psientist anymore so he’s just trying to make ends meet, it’s so depressing. you don’t even really get to talk to him before the end... I felt so dissatisfied. with sumire too, her end was kind of weird. doesn’t even show up on the last day and just bumps into you in the cutscene...

I guess like how I was disappointed in the original game with how akechi just died and no one really mentions him again, royal couldn’t let me go without feeling like my favourite character was done a disservice. I hate feeling “eh” at the end of this game, even though I had some wishy washy feelings about the pacing of vanilla and had preferred if it ended with shido, I still felt good and conclusive by the end. but this... no. plus that after credits scene was absolute garbage, don’t show me a glimpse of something like that for no reason unless there’s at least gonna be a sequel! don’t take away the weight of akechi’s death after I came to terms with it!

on one more positive note though, I liked seeing through the maruki ending a bit more of akechi’s character... he really wanted to be the kind of person he pretending to be for people to like him, and he wanted to be friends with everyone. it’s sad, but it was nice to see him be happy.

[sayitwityachest]

i actually like my prof despite her weird contradictions with feminism- she's a fun person and seems super heartfelt. That being said she is obviously biphobic. The fun thing about being bisexual is biphobia can be soooo easy to not notice bc so much of it the silence (uhem, invisibility) UNTIL bisexuality comes up. This is a class on feminism in the 60-80s, so of course bisexuality is not mentioned much (doesn't mean I'm not gonna talk about it a bunch in my own class discussions and analyses). The prof is eager to explain and apologize (and apologize and apologize and...) about how western feminist theory has been framed around white feminists and women, and that's how she learned it. And although she only really focuses on Black women and the ways they've been left out and screwed over, basically only paying lip service to other groups of non-white women, it does feel sincere (def clumsy tho). So, when we talk about political lesbianism and I bring up how it seems highly likely that the majority of political "lesbians" were bi women- and this was the first real mention of bisexuality during the semester- and this comment is greeted with soooo much enthusiasm, so much curiosity on the topic from other students- the prof is overwhelmed. Being a lesbian herself, she speaks so much on Lesbian Feminism- which is very interesting to learn about the history of btw some wild stuff forreal lol- and we talk about the sexual dynamics between men and women (in the context of heterosexual sex and relationships), but why did a student have to be the one who brought up bisexual women? You are teaching a theory class, teaching Simone de Beauvoir, but when one of these young women asks you so earnestly if there are any noteworthy bisexual feminists (as in theorists) you have to fucking google it and read a list that includes fucking lady gaga? Are you serious? Okay that's fine because i can talk about it, and i certainly did, and after she admitted in a somewhat sheepish manner "uh sorry- I don't know much about bisexuals." Why is it that I, a 21-year-old bisexual woman, was reading theory by lesbians and straight women before i even took this class, but you, a 55-year-old feminist scholar, can't be fucking bothered to know jack shit about bisexual women? Why is it that when you talk about your 200-level class (this is freshmen and sophomores- 18/19 y/o's) and your frustration towards their lack of understanding towards old school feminism you felt the NEED to say, " and you know... they're all ~bisexual~..." and never fucking elaborated on that. What the hell was I supposed to get out of that? What were you trying to communicate? Genuinely, besties, I don't know- I'm not even trying to be like "she's saying bisexuals are dumb" there are just so many fucking different reasons for her thinking that was a noteworthy thing to say that I might actually understand- not agree with, but understand, yes- that the fact that she thought it appropriate to say that and just leave it hanging like it was an explanation in itself makes me so angry. Who the fuck else gets treated like this? "And you know... they're all ~lesbians~/they're all ~straight women~" ????? that's not an acceptable thing to say in our social setting at all. Especially in terms of feminism. I know damn well there is AT LEAST one other bisexual girl in that class, and honestly, judging by the response to my comment on political lesbianism, probably a few more. But yep, let's mock bisexuals for being interested in feminism, for making up the majority of your intro to feminism class, let's fucking fumble through all discussions of bisexuality with "oh gees uh wow I never thought about it oopsies" like that's a legit excuse as a supposed expert on women. I'm tired.

[phantom-curve]

find the strength, find the melody pt. 7

lmfao I love how I posted an update 2 days ago like “this fic will have sporadic posts! idk when they’re coming!” and then I spent the last two days writing this. when that insomnia inspiration hits ya gotta just go with it!

this chapter went in a completely different direction than I had planned on soooo yeah...honestly not sure where this is gonna end up! the characters from my OC novel that I’m loosely basing this story around didn’t have a connection before they ran into each other so when Julie gave me this I almost cut it because I genuinely wasn’t sure where it was going. I think I’ve almost figured it out and I’m pretty sure I know how this will end. and now we all get to laugh at me together because it’s definitely gonna be more than 3-4 chapters. it might even be more than 6. Luke’s POV will have roughly the same amount of chapters I think, possibly longer because boy oh boy does he have A LOT to say (most of it about Julie). fair warning: this one has an awkward cut off because of the way I need to set up the next chapter. sorry about that.

and now something I probably should be embarrassed to admit: I don’t remember writing the part where I managed to sneak an “I’ve Got The Music” reference in so now we know for sure this show has infiltrated my brain. it’s fine, I’m fine, at least I WILL BE WHEN WE GET A S2!!!! KENNY!!!! SAVE ME HERE!!! MAKE MY UNHINGED OBSESSIONS WORTH IT!!!!!

taglist: @blue-hat-girl, @lwhoscribbles, @bluefyoto94, @5sosmukefan, @moonlightxnder, @leahthewonder​, @kat-maybe-not​, @lukewearingbeanies, @imastrugglingartist​​

It was no small miracle that Julie made it through the afternoon without Ray asking for details about her supposed ‘plan’ to play with the Sunset Curve boys. She didn’t think she would have been able to pull off spinning a story quite as well as Luke had earlier. She had expected at least a small amount of interrogating about when she had started playing again, but apparently the news that she was playing at all, let alone with other people in front of an audience, was enough for Ray to ignore all of the other plot holes involved in this scheme. He seemed to have almost forgotten the meeting with Principal Lessa entirely, humming on the drive home, kissing her forehead and turning her loose to freak out alone in her room while he sat down to work on his computer in the dining room. Julie took full advantage of the time alone to restlessly pace her room and send Flynn a 911 text. Her bestie’s contact photo lit up the phone screen 30 seconds later.

“Okay, I’m hiding in the basement girl’s bathroom, so you’ve got exactly 5 minutes before I get too grossed out to stay here.”

Julie’s chest loosened at the sound of Flynn’s comforting voice. There wasn’t anyone else in the world that loved her the way Flynn did. It was reassuring and made it easy for Julie to let loose.

“Lessa told Dad about the music program and then You-Know-Who ambushed us outside of her office and basically forced me to agree to perform with them.”

“Voldemort was at Los Feliz?!”

Flynn’s gasp was overflowing with sarcasm.

“Flynn!” Julie whined. “Be serious! Luke showed up out of nowhere again! And he did the thing again! The charming his way into getting what he wants thing! And now I have to play with his freaking band! What the hell am I supposed to do?”

There was silence for a moment. When Flynn spoke again her voice was softer, more serious.

“You don’t have to play with them, Jules. You can tell them no, and they’ll have no choice but to respect that. The only person who can make you do anything is you. But...I kinda think you might want to play with them.”

“What?! No!”

Julie’s exclamation was a second late. Flynn didn’t say anything. She didn’t need to. Julie sighed.

“Okay fine. There’s something about Luke that makes me want to play again. Are you happy? He gave mom’s song back to me when I thought it was lost forever. He’s the only person who’s heard me perform it, and he...no one else has ever made me feel that good about my music before.”

Julie thanked her lucky stars Flynn wasn’t in the room to see her blush. There was a long moment of contemplative silence on the other end of the line. When she spoke again, there was that extra note of take-no-shit in Flynn’s voice that made Julie sit up and really listen.

“I think you should give it a chance. Who knows, maybe this is some sort of sign from your mom. You said it was a miracle he would have even found that song in the first place. You said it felt like she was there with you when you were playing. Maybe she made sure it would find its way back to you when you were ready for it.”

Julie didn’t say anything, just worried her bottom lip with her teeth. Her heart beat a little faster in her chest. It had felt a little too perfect to be just a coincidence. The way Luke kept appearing in her life at the exact moments she needed him someone or something to help her keep moving forward. Flynn sighed.

“Look, I’m not saying it is your mom. But I’m not saying there’s not some kind of greater power out there that keeps pushing the two of you together. I think you should give it a chance. If nothing else, you can get back in the music program and we can bring Double Trouble to life in time for our Junior Showcase!”

Julie couldn’t help laughing. Her eyes felt misty, love for her best friend welling up in her heart.

“I never agreed to that name you know. But thanks, Flynn. I’ll think about it.”

“Good. Now. I gotta get the fuck out of this grimy ass bathroom. Love you, bye!”

Flynn waited for her to return the sentiment before hanging up.  Julie flopped back on her bed, letting her breath out in a loud whoosh as she hit the comforter. A glance at her phone told her she only had a couple hours until Luke and the other boys would be out of school and on their way to her house. She tried her best to ignore the way that thought made her stomach roll with a type of nervousness she would rather not name. It was easier to blame it on nerves over playing with new people rather than nerves over playing with Luke. Except...now that she actually thought about it, she had played with Luke before. Her head spun, eyes fluttering shut as she remembered the one music class she had shared with Luke last year.

She had only been a freshman, stuck in a lowly Introduction to Composition class. It was supposed to be for new songwriters. Julie had a little more experience than the rest of the class, after all she’d been kind of composing with her mom for a few years now, so when it had been time to write a duet for their final big project she had gotten paired up with the classmate whose skill level most matched hers. It was supposed to be a way for them to challenge each other and grow as writers instead of one person doing most of the work. Julie had been paired with Luke.

He’d been a grumbly sophomore, held back for failing his last semester of Intro to Comp the year before. He had been stuck there only for the second semester, forced to double up between their class and his second year Composition class. Julie hadn’t been all that excited about partnering with him. He hadn’t really seemed to care about the class at all, and even though Julie also sometimes felt like it was holding her back a little bit, she never once voiced that thought. It was a privileged mindset, and Julie was well aware that she had an advantage over her classmates since her mother was a professional songwriter. Luke, on the other hand, had made it well known that he felt like he was wasting his time just waiting to get through the semester so he could move up to the Advanced Composition class that he felt he truly belonged in. Julie could usually do no more than roll her eyes in those moments.

It was true that Luke was talented. His guitar playing was impressive, his lyrics were heartfelt and sometimes even downright poetic. Julie just didn’t think anyone deserved specific things in life because they happened to be naturally talented at something. Their songwriting experience had been...interesting to say the least. And short. It had ended abruptly when Julie’s mother had died 5 days later. In the end, they’d only worked together for two 40-minute class periods before she had been lost in the fog of grief that consumed her in the weeks following the loss of her mom.

Julie shot up in bed, eyes wide. She didn’t even fully remember what had happened with the half-finished song they had been working on. Errant notes echoed in her head, like a song that had only existed in dreams until now. She absently wondered if Luke had held onto that as well. It was no wonder she had kept that particular memory suppressed all this time. That time in her life had been particularly painful. Luke had been gentle with her though. Almost all traces of his typical arrogance gone in the two short class periods they’d had to work together. He had kept things light, steering their songwriting in the direction of a rock ballad more than a true duet. Julie hadn’t minded. She had been floating through classes by then anyway, on edge every second she was away from her mom’s bedside. It had been easier to work on something that didn’t have as many sappy emotions attached to it.

She groaned, burying her face in her hands. No wonder Luke had been so sweet with her. He must have had a front row seat to her breakdown throughout the last year. She hadn’t even realized it. Had never before seen the way he watched her from a distance, checked in on her during class. She should have. Now that she was thinking about it, trying to identify every instance, she could name a million. How had she missed it for so long? How had he gone so long without saying anything? The Luke she remembered was terrible at keeping his mouth shut. He had always been ready to speak his mind, never afraid to start a discourse. It didn’t track that he had been holding himself back. Unless...it was more about her musical ability than anything else. She remembered now; Luke had been thrilled to partner with her for the duet. He had made some remark about how her sound was the perfect complement to his. Maybe he only cared about the ways they would mesh as songwriters. She could only hope that’s what his words had meant.

She felt more secure in her footing as a musician when it came to dealing with Luke than she ever had as a simple teenaged girl. If it was just about the music she could compartmentalize better, keep herself from getting too emotionally invested. Music had always been a safe zone, neutral. She breathed in and out deeply, remembering the technique Dr. Turner had taught her to slow her breathing and recenter her mind. She could do this. It was just about the music. They would play a song together, Julie would get back into the music program, and life would move forward much in the way it had before. Except Julie would actually participate in class this time. She had the music back in her soul, she wasn’t ever going to let it go again. On her next exhale, she heard the doorbell ring. Showtime. Julie zipped down the stairs, ripping open the door before her dad had a chance to get more than three feet away from his computer. Luke, Alex and Reggie all stumbled back a step as she tumbled outside, pulling the front door shut behind her. The three teenaged boys shared a look.

“Studio. Now.”

Julie raced down the path to her mom’s studio before they could react, not even waiting to see if they followed her. If they were smart, if they truly wanted to do this, they would. She hauled the garage doors open, only turning around when she had the piano at her back. The wood felt warm and solid, almost like she had her mom as a support behind her instead of an instrument. The boys appeared seconds later, Luke leading the way. He stopped a couple feet inside of the studio, studying her with wide open earnest eyes. She let out a deep breath. Reggie spoke up before she could get a word out.

“Woah, Julie, this studio is so cool! It’s like a tiny home! A musical tiny home in a botanical garden!!”

His green eyes were wide, expression awed as he spun to take in the space that Julie and her mom had spent countless hours turning into theirs.

“How did you get chairs on the ceiling?! Are you, like, a witch and a siren?!! Man, you and your mom must have made some serious magic in here.”

Luke’s arm shot out faster than lightening to backhand Reggie’s bicep. Reggie cringed away, a soft owww! just barely audible over the loud sigh Alex let out as he buried his face in his hands. Reggie shrugged, looking back and forth between his bandmates before giving Julie a confused yet apologetic glance. What had he said wrong this time? The giggle that bubbled out of her was as unexpected as it was welcomed. Warmth blazed in her heart, memories of the time she had spent in here with her mom washing over her with a kind of hazy bliss she hadn’t ever experienced before. She gazed at Reggie, letting that same feeling of motherly love from the night before fill her up. It was all she could do not to react to Luke’s jaw dropping when she gave Reggie a soft smile.

“We did. We made so much magic in here.”

The words were gentle and filled with a kind of genuine love that overshadowed all other feelings of awkward nervousness. Alex and Luke relaxed instantly, Reggie’s face losing all traces of uncertainty as he beamed at her with a smile so large it almost looked painful. Julie couldn’t help but let herself return it, just a little bit. The silence that settled between them was more comfortable, the tense moment from earlier broken. Julie studied the boys in front of her. She hadn’t ever thought of them as friends per se. They knew each other, would say hi if they encountered one another outside the walls of the high school, but at the same time, they didn’t actually know each other. Julie’s little run in with Luke the night before had made that painfully obvious. She wasn’t really sure what to make of them.

“Are you guys actually serious about this whole Showcase scheme? Did Luke even tell you about his dumb plan?”

“Hey! That plan is genius. Even your dad agreed. He seems pretty cool.”

Julie couldn’t help the fond way she rolled her eyes. Alex was quick to reassure her that they did, in fact, know about the plan.

“Not that I actually think it’s a particularly well thought out plan.” He stated with a lingering glare at Luke’s back.

The planner in question did his best to ignore the skeptical look on Julie’s face.

“Julie, you really don’t deserve to be out of the music program.” Reggie’s voice was soft and sincere. “You have the voice of an angel. If we can help convinced Ms. Harrison and Principal Lessa to give you your spot back it will be so worth it. And even if we don’t, it’ll be worth the looks on their faces when we rock the pants off that crowd!”

Julie laughed in spite of herself, slightly reassured even as she chewed nervously on her lip. Luke took a few bouncy steps forward, pulling her attention to him completely. His eyes locked on hers and she was sure she was drowning, throat tightening at the look he was giving her.

“You got this. I wouldn’t have come up with this idea if I didn’t believe it 100%.”

Honestly, that was what scared her the most about it.

“We don’t even have anything prepared.”

Her voice was barely a whisper, unsteady and wavering. Luke took a few more steps towards her, Reggie and Alex ghosting along silently a few feet behind him. Julie didn’t even notice, so laser focused on the brunette boy in the cut-up tank top in front of her. She watched his muscles flex as he reached into his back pocket, flicking out a piece of folded up paper in a move scarily reminiscent of when he had given her mom’s song back to her. He bit his lip, head ducking a little to be closer to hers as he unfolded the worn sheets of scrappy notebook paper. She let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding, focusing on the messy handwriting in front of her.

“I thought you would say that.”

The smile on his face was so soft and sweet it should have been illegal.

“It’s called ‘Bright’. It’s a Sunset Curve song that we never performed because it’s missing something. Look,” his bare shoulder brushed hers as he shifted to point at the notes, warmth seeping through the thin material of her t-shirt, “it’s perfect for your range. I was thinking, if we add a little bit of piano here and here,” fire blazed a path up her arm as his fingers traced along the opening notes and chorus, forearm flexing against her own, bare skin brushing in teasing licks, “it’ll be perfect.”

Julie forced herself to focus on what he was saying, eyes roving across the paper. She hummed a little under her breath, hearing what he described in her head. His eyes lit up when he saw her get it, feet springing up and down as he dipped even closer towards her and started to sing.

We will rise, through the night

You and I

We will fight to shine together

Bright forever

His voice vibrated in her chest, the sound filling her with an emotion she couldn’t fully identify. Alex and Reggie bobbed along behind him, Reggie’s fingers plucking out the baseline on an invisible guitar while Alex nodded along to an unseen beat. Julie could envision the way the song would sound with a complete band, could practically see herself fitting seamlessly into the mix with her piano and vocals. She couldn’t help the smile that curved her lips as she joined in, reading the lyrics off of the page.

And rise through the night,

You and I

We will fight to shine together

“Go up high.”

Luke cut in, fingers twirling towards the ceiling. Julie automatically made the adjustment in notes to harmonize her voice with his for the last line, holding the final syllable for a beat longer than him.

Bright forever

“Yes!”

Luke’s arm pumped up and down, bicep flexing and distracting Julie momentarily. She dropped her head shyly, trying to hide her blush. When her cheeks cooled a moment later she looked back up at the boy in front of her. His eyes were glowing, smile stretched a mile wide as he stared at her. Unconditional belief in her was practically oozing from his pores. She felt her face soften as their eyes locked, giving him her own sweet smile that was meant just for the two of them. She thanked him with a gentle murmur, heart melting as he simply bit his lower lip and nodded.

A throat cleared in the background, and Julie was snapped out of their private bubble by the sound. Her entire face felt engulfed in flames as she looked over Luke’s shoulder to see Alex and Reggie still standing a few paces behind him. Reggie’s face was bright, his sunshine temperament back in full force. Alex was a little more guarded, but he was giving her an encouraging smile and there was cautious optimism swimming in his sage green eyes as he fiddled with one of his drumsticks. She inhaled deeply and let her breath out in one smooth exhale. The same sort of peacefulness from the night before settled over her.

“Okay. Okay, so we’re doing this.”

Luke’s whoop was so loud both her and Alex jumped. Reggie raced forward with a cheer to sling one arm around Luke’s shoulders and the other around Julie’s, pulling them so close to his chest that their noses nearly touched. Julie saw the blush staining Luke’s cheeks and felt her own warm to match. Alex coughed again.

“Reg, c’mon. Let it settle for just a sec before you go all human octopus on the poor girl.”

“Oh, right! Sorry, Jules!!”

Reggie released both of them quickly. Julie flicked her gaze between the three boys, enjoying the glimpses at their band dynamic. Alex’s words had sounded a bit exasperated, but there was a fondness running through them as well. He gave a half-hearted roll of his eyes at Reggie’s abrupt movements and reached his own long arm out to pull the dark-haired boy close.

“Help me unload the van? I still don’t trust our little Lukey boy with my kit.”

“Hey! That was one time!”

Luke sounded downright offended. The dark look Alex leveled at him in response had Julie choking back a laugh with a badly disguised cough. Clearly once of whatever he did was enough. Luke pouted, arms flexing as they crossed over his chest.

“You put your foot through my bass drum, and you think that isn’t reason enough not to trust you with it ever again?”

Luke sputtered, eyes flicking to Julie and back to Alex as his ears reddened.

“I told you I didn’t see it!”

“It’s the biggest part of the kit, dumbass. Literally the hardest thing to miss.”

Alex’s voice was as unimpressed as it was dismissive. Luke threw his hands in the air as the other boys headed out of the studio, laughing amongst themselves. It was clear this was a regular argument between the two, no heat or anger left in it, only a loving sort of tease. Like the way Carlos still brought up that time she accidentally gave him a concussion double-bouncing him off of their neighbor’s trampoline when he wanted something from her. Or the way her Tía would still laugh as she remembered the time her mom had almost gotten them both arrested for a bar fight on her 21st birthday, Ray affectionately filling in the parts that she tried to leave out. Warmth bloomed in her chest. This wasn’t just a band, wasn’t just a ragtag trio of friends. These guys were brothers. This was a family. And they were letting her into that intimate circle.

The thought was both humbling and nerve-wracking. This Showcase was a big deal. It wasn’t just some school assignment. This could impact their future as a band career-wise. They were all trusting her with this, fully believing in her, or at least, fully believing in Luke’s faith in her abilities. She wasn’t sure anyone had ever believed in her like that. Not anyone that hadn’t known her since she was in diapers. Her head swam, knees feeling a bit weak. She stumbled her way over to the couch, collapsing onto it with a barely audible huff. Luke was in front of her instantly, crouched down so they were face to face. His hands twitched in his lap, but he didn’t reach for her.

“Hey. Julie. Breathe.”

She sucked in a breath, zeroing in on nothing more than his face. After a few seconds she realized he was breathing in and out slowly, just loud enough for her to hear over the jumble of thoughts running amok in her brain. She matched her own inhales and exhales to his, the room slowly coming back into focus as her head cleared. He gave her one of those soft smiles she was starting to think of as hers.

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. But I wouldn’t have stopped you in school if I didn’t think you were gonna rock it. I heard you last night. I listened to you for years before last night.”

His chin dropped in embarrassment for just a second before he pulled his gaze back up to hers. Julie felt like she was on the edge of a cliff. Not for the first time she wished she knew how long this version of Luke had been lurking under the surface. It took everything in her not to let herself step off that ledge and fall.

“Music is in your soul. It’s a part of you. Not everyone is like that, but you are. Your life without music...”

He tapered off like the thought was physically painful to him, eyebrows furrowing in a slight wince.

“Living without music would be like living in a world without stars: dark and empty and uninspired. You deserve galaxies, Julie. You deserve the chance to shine exactly like the star you are, and the world deserves the chance to hear you. Please, just...have a little faith?”

She saw it then. As he gazed at her with those bottomless ocean eyes, with that special smile on his lips and sincerity bleeding through every word, she knew. Luke was like her. Luke got it. In a way that no one else except her mom ever had. That’s what this was. They were kindred spirits, two sides of the same coin. And that feeling? The wind rushing through her hair and stealing her breath away while her limbs all turned to jelly feeling? That was definitely her falling head over heels off of the cliff and into Luke Patterson completely.

“Okay.”

She breathed out, and his answering smile set off the butterflies she thought had finally left her stomach. He stood up and held a hand out to her, easily pulling her to her feet in one smooth movement.

“You know,” his smile turned rueful, “eventually you’re gonna have to answer one of my questions with something other than ‘okay’. That’s a pretty passive word, and I’m not really a passive type of person. I wanna start hearing some ‘hell yeah’s and ‘awesome’s pretty soon.”

Julie rolled her eyes, moving away from Luke to set up her keyboard. He gave her a bouncy little shrug of his shoulders, and she let the levity of his joke wash over her, releasing the last bit of nerves. She could do this. Luke believed in her. Her mom believed in her. Hell, Alex and Reggie believed in her and she barely even knew them. She could do this, just like her mom had said.

Noise from the other boys making their way up the driveway had her rushing to pull both doors to the studio open so they could haul in Alex’s drum kit. The three of them left together to grab amps and guitars, Julie finishing the rest of the set up in the garage. Before she had time to overthink things or freak out again, they were all settled into their spots and Alex was counting down for their first run through. Fingers against the keys, Julie breathed out, opened her mouth, and began to play.

[leadaboss]

That’s The Devil’s Music { Closed RP }

The sounds of a sweet, somber symphony carried throughout the area much like a forlorn echo. An echo that sounded pitiful in it's own right. The instrument-- a piano-- carried on swiftly, the white and black keys struck simultaneously with one another in a continuous manner. The vibration of the grand piano-- which was painted in all black--, rumbled against the hardwood floor with each stroke. Not a single beat was missed in any form or fashion. In fact, the harmony was absolutely perfect for it to be created by one single individual alone.

But, .. there was something about the melody. Something that made the musical art seem.. robotic? There were no missed notes; None at all. No personal flair added into the tune. Of course, if such a piece was played in a concert, the music would be more than satisfactory. It.. It just appeared as if the instrumentalist just.. didn't care.

Suddenly, those pale fingers came to a halting end. The classical instrumental was no longer thick in the air, and there was nothing but pure silence hanging around. The keys of the piano gradually recoiled to their normal state, and the musician's hands simply settled down to his sides.

...Soft clapping soon replaced the silence that lingered in the air-- The clapping of one, sole individual. It was hard to tell if the clapping was mocking.. or if it was actually genuine.

Eventually, the taunting applause settled down until the silence was no longer burdened by the vibrations in the air. The pianist, however, didn't bow. He didn't even acknowledge that his performance was appreciated.

"... Well done, Koen." Death remarked, having been that specific and only person that had applauded Koen's talent. The being was stationed in his cushioned chair in a parlor-like place. It was much more of a theatrical lounge area than anything else. His posture was relaxed, unburdened by any concerns or thoughts. Death actually liked classical music, to by quite honest. Classical music hardly had any verbal words during an orchestra set. It was music that could mean anything that you wanted it to mean.

"..Well?.. And do you have any.. feedback towards Beethoven's masterpiece?" Death inquired of his reaper creation, curious as to what Koen would say to him.

The reaper didn't cut a single glance over to his practical father. Instead, his half-lidded eyes focused on the shiny keys that were laying still before him. However, with a slow roll of his raven eyes, Koen merely shook his head lightly towards Methuselah's question.

"Boring." The reaper voiced, in a blunt tone-- his pitch lacking from care. "... Same as the others. They are all boring. I don't care for any of them.. I am annoyed like hell that you keep asking me to play this bullshit."

"Now, Koen.. I know that.. you are a whole, new you. You aren't in tune with your new characteristics, but.. it'd do you some good to watch your tone. I'm the one getting annoyed of telling you that." Death responded back to Koen, his facial expression not faltering away from it's nonchalant appearance.

"..Anyway, how about this? How about... you play me something that... isn't 'boring'. Every musical piece that I have asked you to perform has all been 'boring' to you. So, .. show me what you wouldn't 'categorize' as boring." The older-appearing man suggested, giving Koen the option to play any song that he wanted.

For the next few moments, Koen's movements were absent. It was almost like he was completely disregarding his father's request. Because, why did any of this matter, anyway? Koen just wanted Death to stop "testing" him in the aspects of "troubling emotions" and "hindering feelings".

Still, with yet another shake of the reaper's head, Koen rose his hands once more to hover of those ivory and ebony keys.

With no warning from his end, Koen's fingers begun dancing along the piano keys at quite a fast pace. He'd begun playing a much more different rhythm than the "Moonlight Sonata" tune. This piece was much more... secular-- Much more bluesy, and with so many bopping beats. Soon enough, Koen's hands were all over the piano, his chords changing every so often throughout the song.

His foot was quickly pressing against the pedals that were located underneath the piano key spread, causing the notes to twang on in a nice flow.

Methuselah only observed in silence, his eyes narrowed down at the display that his son was showing him? Blues and rhythm? Really?.. Death would have never thought that Koen would prefer such profane music.

Hidden away from Death, there was the smallest smirk that appeared upon Koen's face as his piano-playing intensified. He didn't know why this was stimulating him.. It was fast, disorderly, and all those notes were ultimately wreaking havoc on the piano. It.. was just perfect.

However, Koen allowed his fingers to abruptly stop beating against the keys. Honestly, his fingers and hands were twitching.. just a little.

Death's eyebrows quivered upwards just a smidge when Koen's jiving number came to an end. Well, that was definitely something different.

"That's the Devil's music, son." Death finally spoke out, giving his initial thoughts on the music. He wasn't being completely serious in his wording, but.. it did show him something new about the reaper.

"You personally chose that song to play, so I assume that it isn't.. boring. If it's not boring, ..then what is it?" Death inquired of Koen with a curious tone, his eyes not breaking away from looking at the reaper.

"... I don't know." Koen said aloud as he was gradually trying to take a hold of his bearings. His hands weren't vibrating any longer. In fact, they made their way back down to his sides. "... It's.. deadly. Lethal."

Lethal? What on Earth did Koen even mean by that? That didn't exactly make any sense to Death.

"And.. that.. exactly.. means?.." Methuselah slowly enunciated, trying to get more information out of Koen. That didn't give the older man much to go off of. Hell, HE was Death. "Deadly" and "lethal" didn't exactly mean anything to him.

"It means.. that I'm not so certain." Koen declared, his head finally turning to take a view of his creator-- who was lazily rested in the comfortable furniture. Koen's eyes were bland, not interested or energetic in any way. "..Perhaps, I just mean that it's... that it's fucking boring me to death."

".. Still with that tone?... I guess it's better than the former-- You.. constantly pissing me off over some loose girl. So, your vulgarity is an improvement to me in comparison." Death added, slowly shrugging his shoulders upwards to display his apathy. Koen didn't crave that Yukimori girl to Death's knowledge, so Koen's tone.. his mood.. can easily be worked with.

"..Mm." The reaper groaned more to himself than to anyone else. Although Death decided to "customize" Koen's mood and his behavior, there was still something about Yumi that tugged at him. He'd never admit it right now, but.. it was definitely there. The thought of her now wasn't because of.. longing or admiration.  It was because of something.. much darker now. Maybe betrayal? Disappointment? Those were only a couple of possibilities. "Right."

"You have a meeting with the higher ones today? A definite conclusion for the situation that happened at the Yukimori's house months ago?" Koen asked, decided to alter the conversation so that he wasn't the primary subject.

"Correct. Life, Harmony,-- even Chaos will be there. I'm tired of board meetings, but.. none of them will be satisfied until I.. 'compromise' with the majority... Can you believe they want me to bequeath my title to someone else for a while? As if any of those sloths can handle my work..."

---------------

"Alright, soooo-- Senior year is about to start-- We're talkin' cramming, crying, and cussing-- The whole nine yards. This upcomin' fall semester is gonna make us or break us, ya know what I mean? We've only got--what? Three more weeks? Three more weeks before we gotta get back on campus and work hard." Alexander expressed to Yumi, his fiance... who has actually been his fiance for a few months, now.

It was pretty close to closing time at The Rabbit Hole, and today was one of the days that Yumi and Alexander worked a shift together. Because they were on their summer break, the two of them were able to take later work hours.

But, to be quite honest, Alexander didn't know how much longer he wanted to stay there at the cafe. He'd put in a couple of years there, and he liked it there just fine. But, it.. was just that his "other job" simply came with more money. And with his engagement to Yumi, Alexander wanted to accumulate more than enough earnings to give Yumi the wedding that she wanted. He just knew that Yumi would do all but agree with that decision, but.. that would be a different conversation for another time.

"So, I'm thinkin'--" Alexander resumed, while sitting down a glass of bubble tea specifically for Yumi down on the counter of the bar. "I'm thinkin' we have a little getaway? I've got a couple of places in mind-- And I know this is probably too damn sudden, but... look--"

At this time, Alexander removed two coins from the depth of his pocket. One coin was a quarter, and the other coin was only a penny. Dropping both of the coins from his hand and letting them clatter to the surface of the counter, Alexander narrowed his eyes and tapped his index finger against the quarter.

"Alright-- Heads says we'll goooo toooo.. Las Vegas. Tails says we'lll goooo.. tooooo New Orleans. --You gonna be the one flippin' the quarter, too. Oh! And the penny is the wild card. If you choose the penny, you don't have to flip it. The penny represents the.. special place I wanna take ya. A secret.. kinda."

@lonelysnowprincess

[hvlfseelie-blog]

hello it’s me...again. if you’re unaware, i’m sam, she / her, twenty - one, est timezone, and i also play ben the sourwolf, quill the brute and auden who has Had Enough™! i’m reposting / rewriting hal’s intro because i decided to revamp him a little, so that’s what’s gonna be under the cut! as always, please feel free to message me here or @mcrdices if you’d like to plot!

➰ ( DYLAN O’BRIEN, CISMALE, HE/HIM ) *✧.:°░｡ —- is that HAL CARPENTER ?! you know them, right? they are the 26 year old HALF SEELIE & HALF HUMAN !! they’re known for being PENSIVE & SOLICITOUS - but i’d be careful if i were you because they’re also DIFFIDENT & MOROSE.

nathan harold “hal” carpenter is a half - seelie / half - mundane from minnesota. his mother is a two - hundred year old seelie who left the seelie realm and pretty much everything else about the shadow world behind when she met and fell in love with a mundane man aka hal’s father.

( btw, the only people who would ever call him nathan are people who are very close to him and even then they would only do it to let them know that whatever they’re talking about is v serious )

so hal’s parents get married and he’s one of their nine kids, all boys. yeah, he’s got eight brothers and he’s one of the seven middle children

had a pretty typical mundane childhood out there in the middle of frozen minnesota. his dad worked as a used car salesman, his mother stayed home raising the kids and taking care of her v v beloved garden. they always had everything they needed but were still pretty poor. with only one parent working and eleven mouths to feed in total, things could be rough always sometimes. but, they managed! this is the rl weasley family okay. hand me down clothes, home cooked meals, brotherly teasing, lots of love!

hal knows the very basics of seelie magic & the shadow world thanks to his mother who taught him and all of his siblings how to control their abilities and the general basics of surviving out in a world filled with every kind of supernatural creature available

( also yes as a half - seelie he does have the ability to lie aaaand his pointed ears are visible at all times because he can’t be bothered with glamour magic and prefers to just pass it off as a “cool family trait” even though he doesn’t even like his ears but anYWAY )

he was just not that interested in learning about the shadow world as a kid. his mom being a seelie and & everything that went with that was never a secret in the carpenter household soooo...he just didn’t care that much

his hobbies of photography, hockey, and playing the drums were always much more interesting to him. 

he honestly just?? wanted to be normal?? he wanted to be mundane?? wanted absolutely /n o t h i n g/ to do with the shadow world at all ever??

tbh he was genuinely spectacular at staying out of shadow world business until about five years ago aka the moment a feral werewolf crashed into his life on a motorcycle and convinced him to run away with her

he was twenty - one years old, in his final year of studies at a small community college in minnesota where he took photography classes and worked a boring job he didn’t like just to be able to do that bc remember, the family is poor af 

he met raven calanoc, a wandering werewolf who happened to stumble upon his hometown and long story short, she convinced him to use the money he’d been saving for his last semester of college to buy a motorcycle and run away with her. they’ve been inseparable ever since.

for the past five years, he and raven have been traveling around on their motorcycles, hanging out in the woods and getting kicked out of bars after raven starts a fight aaaand that’s pretty much it. that’s all they’ve been doing for five years now and hal wouldn’t have it any other way.

he’s been in wilshire for a few months now and while big cities are definitely not one of his favorite things, he’s just been trying to enjoy his time in california!

so, i think that’s all for backstory which means we’re moving on to personality and other extra stuff!

he’s friendly but quiet & timid, modest but a little ~out there~ in an artsy way, a super loyal friend with a short temper that he got after spending sm time around raven

literally always has little cuts and bruises on his face & knuckles, a split lip, a black eye...all the typical i got in a fight at the bar last night type of injuries because that’s literally always true. raven starts fights and he helps her finish them, always.

tbh he’s basically raven’s ( mostly ) human familiar?? like she spends so much time in wolf form that she often forgets how to Human so hal helps her out when needed

he’s open to making other friends though and honestly he’s a pretty good friend to have if you can deal with his shyness, random picture taking, tendency to just sit around by himself and think...like if you can get over all of his annoying habits you have a great super loyal friend, the realest ride or die ever

hal is bisexual but doesn’t date much. tbh a lot of people see him and raven together and think that they’re dating and they actually do pretend to date sometimes just to get people to leave them alone lmao but nah

really really misses minnesota sometimes?? like, it was his only home for most of his life and he’s really close with his family so he’s very likely to randomly start reminiscing about how much he misses playing hockey on the frozen lake with his brothers during christmas break and being around for family dinners. he’s sentimental ig

so, like i said before, he knows the basics of seelie magic but he’s pretty rusty because he doesn’t like using it for the most part. outside of his family and raven he’s not even really comfortable with anyone seeing him practice magic

looks like a cinnamon roll but could actually kill you but would most likely just punch you in the face at worst

has a biiiit of a short temper but not like...Ben Level Bad ™. he can just snap and be a little snarky sometimes which might surprise people because he’s usually pretty quiet

fr though....he could stand alone in the corner of the room completely quiet for hours and startle tf outta everyone when he randomly decides to say smth because nobody even noticed he was there??

loves to take pictures and that’s most likely what he’s doing if he’s not hanging out with raven or playing the drums

lemme just stop now because the length of this is officially absurd. lmk if you’d like to plot!

[romantictensions]

i feel like i'm gonna ask you a bunch of questions you already answered asdaksjd so sorry in advance!! when did you do the dcp, fall or spring and was it in cali or florida? how did you learn about it and how was the interview process? what role did you get assigned and did you like it? did you enjoy the program and as an alumni would you go back? thank you and congrats on the modelling again!! :) x

i technically did the ICP (intl college program) because i was studying at a canadian uni, so the ‘semester’ i worked was the summer semester. however, i believe that if you do spring semester, you have the option to extend your program? i’m unsure if that still applies but yeah.

ICP is only in florida so that’s where i worked. i’d honestly prefer disneyland california because the weather is soooo much nicer and there’s more things to do in socal than orlando but they have less job slots because it’s a smaller place with only two parks and therefore waaaay more competitive. the nice thing about wdw in florida though is that all the internationals r shafted there so you make a lot of friends from all over the world. also, i like disney world more as a “theme park” because obv there’s a lot more rides and merch, and food is better bc more restaurant options.

i learned abt the program awhile back when i was in my first year of high school (almost 8 years ago wow) because i used to be part of fanpop (lmaooo) and disney tumblr, so i made some friends in the disney community and some of them were doing or thinking about doing the DCP.

the interview process is different for internationals - it’s in person. the interview for DCP is over the phone. i thought it was really easy, and it was one of my first job interviews ever. like the interviewer is always very nice (it’s disney!) and didn’t ask me any particularly hard questions (just the usual standard of ‘why do you want to work for us?’ ‘what are your strengths?’). it probably helps to watch dcp interview questionnaires on youtube. also ENTHUSIASM IS EVERYTHING !!! you have to have the ‘disney personality’ to be hired and that’s honestly what they look for most so sound happy on the phone and they’ll forget u have no previous service experience.

i was assigned to attractions at living with the land in epcot. i LOVED it but the ride itself was kind of slow so i wish i had smth in magic kingdom. but the nice thing is that epcot closes earlier than the other parks, so i never had to stay super late (mk CPs would stay till after 3am during EMH nights). also guests tend to be meaner in MK because it’s the busiest park and people are just really impatient. attractions is also really good because it’s more team-oriented so it’s easier to make friends. my roommate was a face character and she complained that she worked with new people everyday so she didn’t have as many work friends.

i really enjoyed the program when i did it and missed it a lot after i left. i wouldn’t do it again just because i’ve changed and my interests have changed. i did the program as a one-time experience more so than anything serious, but that depends on you. some of my friends were majoring in hotel services in uni so they really benefited from having disney on their resumes, and some of them r acting so they thought being a face character was a good opportunity for them. 

disney is super fun but the people you work with r like Locals so they’re mostly basic (and white), not to sound pretentious. there’s a lot of people with problematic politics who work there too. but everyone is very nice and it’s super easy to make friends. some of the friends u make really r “friends for life” even if you rarely message them… it just comes with the deal of working together at disney. like a year after my program ended, one of my disney coworkers housed me for like a month when i moved to australia bc she was the only aussie i knew and i was having trouble househunting. but also ppl can be very cliquey and u know, it’s college students so there is drama from time to time and some people act very high school esp in the dorms. a lot of genuine people r there but also a lot of fake nice people, just like everywhere u go.

tbh it’s not for everyone and i did know a handful of people who left the program early because the work was too hard or their managers were mean. but i also know a lot of people who extended their program for months and who went back to work there part-time or move higher up in the company after they graduated. i had a lot of fun and i don’t regret my experience at all 

[daeum]

Hey Jieun, currently my loans for Uni are stacking up and it's giving me the worst anxiety. While my mom is paying for it partially, I know that it's tough on her financially. I just feel like such a failure bc I'm not going after a more lucrative~ career. I'm an English/Writing major rn and while I'm not that passionate about I know that it'd be a lot worst had I taken let's say the medical path. God, I just feel constantly guilty and I feel like I'm constantly a burden to my mom (1/?)

And she’s so frugal with her money and again constantly feel at fault for putting her in a situation like this. I wanted to go to a private school so here I am. Idk it’s just eating me up inside and every time I think about my situation rn I feel miserable. I also have this relentless fear that I’ll never make it up to my mom for all she’s done for me. It terrifies me to no end and I’m just so tired. I don’t know what I’m going to do in the future and I’m just so afraid (2/2)

hi bud, i know exactly how you feel. while i may not have been in the most extreme financial crisis while attending college, believe me, my university fees were ridiculously beyond what i could’ve afforded to pay for myself (even buying plane tickets to and from ny/cali stressed me out i stopped coming home for holidays). my parents never really said anything or made me feel bad about it bc they genuinely believed it was their financial responsibility to pay for my education. but like you, i always had this cloud of guilt looming over my head every time the email for the semester bill came.

i know that you may feel like all you’re doing is wasting your mom’s hard-money, especially bc there hasn’t been any immediate response hinting success let alone promising one, but i just want you to know that any good parent wants to do everything they can for their child. the fact that your mom allowed you to major in english/writing, is supporting your career dreams, and is working rigorously to help pay for your tuition shows more than enough how much she loves you and believes in you.

so think of yourself and what you are doing now in college as a long-term investment. work diligently to be the best english major/writer you can be, absorb as much knowledge as you can from both your peers and professors, and create invaluable experiences beyond the classroom during the rest of your life as a uni student. those four years fly by soooo quickly so take advantage of every opportunity (and free food event!!! haha) while you can.

i think both you and your mom will be just fine. the mere fact that you are not only conscious of situations like this, but actually want to actively do something about it, tells me you’re very ambitious and responsible. you just want to be a good daughter and give your mom everything bc that’s exactly what she’s been doing for you since day one…. but you just don’t know how to or where to start or if you’ll ever be able to. but you can and you will bc you have potential. i know it, your mom knows it, and now you know it 😊😊😊

[tales-of-a-senior-smithie]

10 Things That I Know Now That I Wish I Knew When I Was an Incoming First Year

So It’s getting close to the end of the summer (I personally go back to campus for my junior year in alittle over a week for Bridge) so I wanted to give some advice to anyone who needs it whether you are an incoming first year, a prospie, or even an upperclass-person who comes across this post. Here are some things that I know now that I wish I knew when I was an incoming first year (as the title suggests lol). These things are not at all in order of importance.

1. Your overall health is soooo important- I think that this is the most important thing I have learned during my time at Smith so far. I’m not gonna lie college is hard and can get stressful. Smith is not an exception to this. An honest summary of my sophomore year was me learning this. No matter what you are doing, it is so important to remember is that There is Only One You. You cannot be replaced so it is so important for you to take care of yourself ( physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc.) no matter what. 

2. Your grades do not define you- I am gonna be honest and admit that I obsess and stress over grades. I have been conditioned to have this mentality since elementary school so I’m still trying to unlearn this. Even though grades matter, they do not define who you are as a person nor do they tell the whole story of you, your victories, your struggles, your hard work, and the amazing person you are. To emphasize this here is a really awesome video from the Wurtele Center for Work and Life (created by Bea Grossman) where Smithies, including myself, share the worst grade they have ever received, either at Smith or before Smith 

3. Use your resources- Smith has A LOT of resources. Whether you need funding (here is the list of available funding from the 2016-2017 school year), community, stress relief, health/wellness support, academic support or anything else you could need. Use those resources whenever you can. There are so many people and places at Smith that want to help you not only survive but thrive.

4. Don’t overload yourself- There are so many amazing things to do at Smith. Between the amazing classes to take, organizations to join, speakers to hear, activities to go to, people to hangout with, etc. it can be very easy to overwhelm yourself because you want to do EVERYTHING. However, there are only 24 hours in a day and SLEEP IS ESSENTIAL. So in order to not overwhelm yourself, prioritize what you want to do and remember to take time for yourself to relax. If you do get overwhelmed, don’t be afraid to ask for help talk to someone, say no to somethings, ask for an extension, go to office hours, etc. Always remember to take care of yourself.

5. Self-Care- #4 is a nice segue-way into this next point. Self-Care is soooooooo important!! I cannot emphasize this enough. Taking time to do what you need to to take care of yourself is so essential for both life at Smith (or in college in general) and life in general. Everyone does different things in order to self care. Going to the gym and working out, reading a book that you enjoy, knitting, hanging out with friends, taking a nap, are just a small list of the endless amount of things someone could possibly do in order to self-care. I just want to emphasize again Self Care is soooo important.

6. Don’t be afraid to change houses- I came into Smith with the mentality that I wanted to live in the same house for all four years for sentimental reasons. However, when I was living in my first house the longer I lived there the less I felt like I fit in but I was afraid to move. During that time I was also always in my current house (a lot of my friends were living there and the other residents of the house welcomed me with open arms even though I didn’t live there) Some other things happened in my old house and in the world and I finally decided that it was time for me to start living my best life, do what makes me happy, and do what was (and still is) best for me. It was time for me to move. I am so happy that I did and to be living in a house where I feel comfortable, welcomed, and safe. You can move and it is okay to move to a house where you will be happier, feel safer, and/or more comfortable.

However for incoming first years and new students (or future ones) who are not happy with their housing assignments, my advice is to go in with an open mind. Get a feel for what your house, housemates, and house community are like before you put in that room change form. Who knows you may fall in love with it. If you don’t, that’s okay. You can move and it is okay to move to a house where you will be happier, feel safer, and/or more comfortable. 

7. Go to Office Hours- When I first got to Smith, I was TERRIFIED of talking to teachers so the thought of going to office hours was even more terrifying. However I learned slowly my first year and then really quickly my sophomore year how important and even really great going to office hours can be. One thing that I say on tours that I have found to be extremely true is that your professors want to get to know you and they genuinely care about you. That’s the awesome thing about having smaller class sizes, you are not just a number to your professors. You can get to know them and they can get to know you. Going to office hours can also help you TREMENDOUSLY when you are struggling. My sophomore year (especially during second semester) my mental health declined and among other things my academics suffered. Going to office hours, talking to my professors, and being open with them about what was going on was ESSENTIAL. Because they knew what was going on and I kept the lines of communication open, they were able to more effectively. They were part of the reason why I got decent grades and survived academically and in general. They were willing to work with me and help me succeed.

8. Get off Campus- If you are not from Western Massachusetts it can be very easy to stay in the ‘Smith Bubble’. Once you get to know Smith’s campus, leaving campus and going into downtown Northampton or into the surrounding towns can seem scary. DO IT ANYWAY!! Go on adventures either by yourself or with your friends. Go into town (Go to Herrells at anytime or Glazed after 10pm for 1 dollar donuts) or look at the bus schedule and hop on the PVTA (heads up for all of my Chipotle lovers the B43 takes you near Chipotle. Pro tip: get off at Walmart and then walk across and then when you are ready to go back to Smith the bus stop is right in front of Chipotle). Visit the other 4 colleges in the 5 College Consortium (Mount Holyoke College, Hampshire College, University of Massachusetts, Amherst, and Amherst College). Learn how to get to them because it is helpful to know how to get there and because you may need to go to them for a wide range of reasons.

9. Get involved- This isn’t so much something that I learned at Smith but I have had emphasized at Smith. Outside of Bridge and the houses I have lived in, joining clubs and organizations are how I have made a lot of my friends. You’ll meet people who have the same interests as you, people who understand your experiences, etc. who you might not have met otherwise. Another awesome thing about getting involved is that you get to meet a lot and kind of get to know people in Smith’s administration as well as possibly guest speakers that your organization may bring to campus. I have met a lot of really awesome people just through getting involved. Getting involved also gets you out of the house and potentially off campus so in summary, GET INVOLVED!!!

10. Use your first year classes to explore what your interests are- When I was an incoming first year, I came in thinking I was going to be a Psychology and Dance double major. I am currently doing none of those things (I am not majoring in either of those things and am not double majoring). When I took a psychology class my first semester, I realized that being a psych major was not for me. So I explored and took Intro to SWAG, LOVED IT, and decided that that was going to be my major. Taking a class that where I did not know what to expect in terms of what we would be learning was the best thing and helped me find a major and a minor that I love in departments where I also feel very supported.

Cush Love <3 

-Bri ‘19

[loggedonlove]

long ask post

so i just rbed this post with questions to ask about ones s/o or crush. i rly wanna answer them all but no one on my main cares and even if they did i wouldn’t wanna spam them. but the good thing abt this blog is only like 3 ppl follow me so i can shout my adoration as much as i want and it does not matter :D so i’m just gonna answer all the questions under the cut and if anyone sees this and wants to read it, though i doubt they will, they can! (i already answered two on my main so those’ll just be copy and pasted)

1. describe them in 3 words

cute, funny, sweet

2. their favorite style of clothing?

he looks like a walking hollister ad lmao like i see his style and i just think hollister/abercrombie/zumies. lots of striped tops, dark jeans, not hoodies but like long sleeved shirts with hoods that he doesn’t ever use, converse, and many dad hats that he wears backwards

3. what mannerisms do they have?

i can’t really think of any besides the fact that he shakes a lot. he’s really skinny and he shakes when he’s either cold or nervous, or just in general

4. do they play an instrument?

he doesn’t yet but he really wants a piano keyboard for christmas that’s like the only thing he wants so that he can learn how to play

5. how did you meet/become introduced to them?

(copied from my main)  this is not a long story that may become long due to my unneeded context: we have 2 classes together this fall semester, but he sits behind me in both (directly behind me in one, a few rows back in the other) so i essentially had 0 idea he existed since i just go to class to learn & ignore the people around me unless i’m spoken to. genuinely the first time i ever noticed him was a month into classes, i accidentally grabbed the wrong paper & he was like “hey celeste, this one’s yours” & i was like “oh thank you” then went abt my business. but later that same class we had been in the computer lab & as we were packing up to leave he made a comment abt how my computer’s time was different than everyone else’s so i said some dumb shit like “haha yeah i broke it” then just immediately walked away because i had a class to get to (ironically the other class i shared with him). as i learned later he had been trying to start a conversation so as i was walking to my next class he caught up with me & just continued talking. all i remember was being like “wow this dude’s persistent.” i definitely came off as rude though bc the entire time he was talking to me i kept looking at my phone bc i was logging into our textbook. it was then i found out he was in that class too, & then it took me like another week to figure out his name because i didn’t remember it from the introductions during the first week. but it all worked out because we’re dating now 🤷🏻‍♀️

6. favorite thing they’ve ever said/texted/messaged?

honestly he says the sweetest things to me all the time it’s so hard to choose. i remember before we dated though he said i looked lovely and i was just like *heart eyes*

7. what do you like doing with them?

anything, legit anything. he could call me and be like “hey wanna come watch paint dry with me” and i would be like “hell yes.” i just enjoy spending time with him. but i also really like cuddling him, i could for hours on end he’s very comfortable

8. their favorite color?

i’m not sure, i know he’s said he likes orange, yellow, and black (maybe blue too?) and apparently he’s been told he looks extra good in pink because in his words, he looks good in every color. but yeah i’m not sure of his absolute favorite

9. do they keep up to date on pop culture?

i think it just depends on if it’s something he likes. i think he keeps up to date on a lot of music because he likes a lot of popular artists i don’t pay attention to, and he likes football or at least cares about keeping up with his favorite team

10. sweetest thing they’ve done for you?

this is gonna be another unnecessarily long story. this was before we started dating, it was a thursday so that meant we had our two classes, english then stats right after that, and when stats ends he has to go to his sociology class and i get picked up by my mom. we would typically talk during the time in between english and stats, and he was telling me that he was super sick and he was going to be skipping his sociology class and that he was only going to stats because of our test. we’re in college so teachers typically just do tests at the end of the class and if you finish before class is done you get to go early. so i took my time doing my test and finished with like 30 minutes to spare and when i went to go to the door i saw he was gone and i was like oh that makes sense, he’s ill and said he wanted to go home to sleep. so i walk out to the lobby to wait for my mom (a long wait since i got out early and had no way of letting her know that, plus she’s just always late) and i see him in one of the spots i usually sit in. i was surprised but assumed he had a reason to still be there so i just started talking to him about the test but after that i was like “soooo why are you still here, did you decide you were gonna go to your next class?” and he’s like “oh no i just wanted to wait with you.” like he was just feeling terrible and could’ve went home whenever he wanted (he said he would’ve driven me home but didn’t feel like he should with how ill he was) yet he decided to wait with me for like 30 minutes for my mom even though i said he didn’t have to it was so nice :(

11/12. have you dreamed about them/have they dreamed about you?

i’ve dreamed about him a few times but the thing w mine is that i dream about things/people i think about or see a lot, so the fact that he’s on my mind and i see him nearly every day plays a role. none of my dreams make sense so it’s never anything sweet, he’s just there. he has said he’s had at least one dream about me though, and his dreams are the opposite like he said he just always has romantic dreams that make sense and i was in one :3c

13. can they dance?

every time i hang out with him he dances. like every car ride he puts on music and dances to it while driving, he’ll dance in the middle of any public place, or even when we’re just eating/laying down. it’s usually either him just moving around or fortnite dances specifically to annoy me, but it’s cute

14. what does hugging them feel like?

sosososo nice and warm and safe

15. your favorite thing about them?

i like his personality a lot, he’s really funny and nice, i don’t think it’s possible for me not to smile when he’s talking or being himself

16. their favorite thing about you?

i don’t know, he would probably say my personality too

17. best memory of you together?

another i don’t know, i’ve only been talking to him for two months so that’s not a lot of time to have a favorite memory since there’s so few. probably just the first time we kissed, i think that’s what he would say

18. what are they like when they’re tired?

not much different honestly, but he says he’s always tired so that’s probably why. when he’s tired he just says he’s tired and acts no different. according to him i’m nicer when i’m tired

19/20. could you imagine growing old together with them? could they?

god i don’t know, i’m incapable of thinking that far ahead. we’re both people who, when we date, aim for long-term so i don’t want to be like “we’ll probably only date for a year” because if i think like that it’s destined to fail but i also don’t want to be like “we’re gonna be together forever” because we’ve only known each other for two months. i prefer to just take it as it comes and not try to look forward to anything specific. we’re together for however long we’re together, i have no way of knowing that duration. it could be until next month, it could be until my death, we’ll see. i imagine he’d say the same thing

21. what would an ideal date with them be?

like i said, he could ask me to watch paint dry with him and i’d do it. any time with him is an ideal date. i like going out and doing things but i would probably lean more towards “let’s cuddle and nap for like 5 hours”

22. are they competitive?

yes, especially when someone is a sore loser. like he beat me in bowling twice yesterday and even though i was cool with it he was like “i’m still gonna brag.” but i’m competitive too so it’s a good match

23. what do you do together?

anything. mostly just talk, cuddle, watch stuff, play video games, do homework together, and if there’s something to go out and do then we’ll do it

24. which smells remind you of them?

(copied from my main)  his favorite smell is this yankee candle called festival of lights and he always has it burning when i come over so definitely that

25. do they remind you of any music?

just the music he likes, i don’t associate any of my music with him. he plays his music a lot so whenever i think of artists like lil peep or scotty sire i just think of him, plus the dozens of other people he’s made me listen to (not that i mind)

26/27. could you tell them your biggest secret? could they tell you theirs?

i probably will soon, obv not gonna say what to the entire internet but it’s an important thing. he’s told me his most embarrassing thing about himself which i didn’t think was too bad, i don’t know if he counts that as his biggest secret or not

28. how do you greet each other?

depends on where. whenever he picks me up i say hi/hey, if i walk into class i just smile at him because it feels weird to start having a conversation in a dead quiet class where no one knows we’re dating. i never kiss or hug him as a greeting but i do as a goodbye, not sure why

29/30. what makes you blush that they do? what makes them blush that you do?

he’s only made me blush once but i can’t remember what he said that made me do it, i only blush when i’m embarrassed. i don’t think i’ve ever made him blush, not that i know of

31/32. would you say you love them? would they say they love you?

way too soon for that BUT the other day he accidentally said it when saying goodbye as a force of habit because he always says “bye love you” to his friends/family. i didn’t notice because he said it super quickly before he realized but then he told me about it a few days later. i could picture myself loving him one day though. right now i’d say i adore him

thank you to anyone who read this and got this far if you did. this was really fun i just love talking about himmmm even if no one sees it, it’s just nice to gush uwu

[tellyouaboutmyself]

August 22, 2017

Messages to a friend.

7:22PM


That happened with my and my two best guy friends from high school. My actual friends. The girl group I was a part of wasn’t what I’d cal actual friends..I got so mad at one guy in particular because we were so close but then during our first semester of college he went silent. Looking back I went silent on him too because I was too stubborn to text first. He eventually got a girlfriend and I haven’t spoken to him since December of 2015. I’m not mad anymore. All of my old and close friendships I have had, have ended.

I used to get so so bitter. Just like you I’d wonder why I wasn’t good enough for them to stay? Why wasn’t I worth a text anymore? What about me is just so wrong that nobody I love, loves me back?.. the answer is I think they did love me or at least like me for the time we had together. Things happen though. Any form of relationship takes maintenance and the sad truth is not everyone you’re willing to put work and time in with is willing to do the same for you. It soooo sucks when that happens but I think people come into our lives when we need them to and I also think they leave when we need them to. I’m not religious but I think things happen for a reason.

It sometimes really really hurts to see people we care about forget about us and then all we see of them is pictures with their new friends, but if you really genuinely love them then you will be happy they have found more people or a person who brings light into their life. Knowing they are doing okay is all I care about anymore. It’d be selfish of me to assume I am what’s best for them. Only they can be the judge of their life and I have learned to accept that fact even when it’s hard to wrap my mind around.

The last friend who I cared so so so much for did the same thing. He didn’t even notice he was doing it. See that growth in silence allows for growth in other areas of your life if you take the time to work on yourself. We do what feels natural and sometimes when we force friendships it makes them die faster because nobody likes fake or forced things. You have to force yourself to come to terms with losing people but know that while you are busy dwelling on that loss you are also losing the opportunity to maybe meet new people.

7:35PM


For some odd reason people tend to open up when they talk to me. I don’t know why but I never mind it one bit. Sometimes I think if I had to get another degree it’d be cool to be a therapist. But then again I know sometimes I can’t shut my head off so taking on other people’s issues would become toxic for me haha. Also, the moment you start to feel alone or isolated just know that there are literally like a million or more people who feel the same way you do but are also keeping it bottled up haha. Humanity, we all think we’re so different but fundamentally we all want to be loved, we all want to succeed, we feel jealous at times, we all want to feel like we matter, we all want to feel understood.

7:45PM


I have my ups and downs just like anyone else. I’ve been suicidal twice in my life but I don’t really want to talk about that anymore. Like, I’m not ashamed of it, but I’ve learned if you dwell on negativity and the past then you begin to relive things that should be left alone. April was a down but I’ve only been on the up since then so I can’t complain! I’m just focused on being a better me and occupying my time with things I’m excited about. I’m also learning to cope with all my friends being at school while I am not. That’s new, but it’s okay so far.

Love, -E xx.

[strangeeverydayhappenings]

SOMEBODY!!! ANYBODY!!!!

I often break down because I feel like I have chosen the wrong path in life. The thing is, I don’t think I chose it. Because if I did I would be able to change my path, but I can’t. Meaning, this path chose me, and it’s up to it to let me go or not. You see, I am an aspiring filmmaker. I want to make movies to allow people to see what goes on in my head, there are several stories that need to be told. I am here to tell them. That is the life purpose that I live up to, it’s the reason for my heartbeat. I don’t want anything else. That’s the problem, I don’t want to work in engineering, medicine, law, science, social work, any of that!! I wish I did!! That way I wouldn’t be so afraid of unemployment. Of not getting any job offers. I fear graduation day, I want to stay as far away from it as possible. My entire life I knew I wanted to make movies/tell stories. When I was younger in elementary school, I kept a notebook in which I wrote songs, diary entries, and even a movie script. It was called “The Money Dance” AHAAHHAHHA. It was about time travel or something like that. Wish I still had that notebook. In middle school I kept a diary in which I wrote in daily. I really enjoyed it. Wish I felt as happy as I did then. In high school, I had the best English teacher, the BEST!!! I am so thankful for him, he is my inspiration. His wisdom, attitude, ability to write and critique inspires me to be the writer I want to become. English class was always my favorite, ALWAYS!!! When I went to UC Merced I was undeclared but I knew film production was what I wanted. I also thought of majoring in English, but thought of it as a boring major, so I never considered it even though I knew it was my strongest skill (in my opinion). UC Merced does not have Film production, so that made me feel limited and trapped. It made me think about the future and wonder what I would be doing. I often stared into space, daydreaming of scenarios that could be. I made the tough decision to leave UC Merced and live back at home to attend community college and major in Film Production. That summer, after my first year. I was so excited to start school. I wanted to take film classes. I wanted to be enlightened. School starts, everything's great and simple, until we start doing ice breakers. In my film classes (i had 2), the classes introduced themselves and stated their majors. Most people in one of the classes were either film prod or film studies majors, but a lot of them were also chemistry, communications, computer science, etc. And I thought to myself, “hmmm they’re not pursuing anything film related but they’re still taking fun film classes.” It kinda made me realize that film was more of a hobby, something to pursue on the side or to take some classes of, not major in. I felt a little insecure and began to feel a little embarrassed of telling people my major. I often forced myself to think positive because my future is going to be bright. In my second film class, we did the same icebreaker. Except this time, the professor asked us to mention what area in film we wanted to focus on. Ex: directing, writing, editing, etc. I said writing. And in that moment, when everyone was stating their interests, I felt a form of comfort. I am not the only one. As the semester progressed I slowly began to get a little bored in my film classes and was worried that I made a bad decision leaving 4 year university, to attend a 2 year community college to major in film. The mental breakdowns occurred more frequently, and very privately. No one knew and no one continues to know (I am writing this during the same semester I speaking of, first year at cc as film prod major after first year of ucm) that I fear for my future and worry about where I will wind up. I slowly knew, film prod was not for me. Not the major. The passion for cinematic storytelling continues. And like I said before, I sometimes wish that passion wasn’t there. I wish I was passionate in other things. Why did I choose a competitive passion. A passion that most people look at and think to themselves that it’s only a hobby, that it’s shortly-lived, that doesn’t pay well, etc. Every time I had to explain to a family member about my career goals (which was and is aaaaa loooot aaaaall theee tiiiime) is soooo draining. The unsure reactions made me question myself and what the hell I got myself into. Weeks into the semester, we’re halfway in, I realize that I really liked my English class. We analyzed poetry, plays, and now short stories. I genuinely liked writing my essay on poetry and I genuinely liked analyzing and discussing in class (as I am writing this i am starting to realize how much I will miss this semester). I finally came to my senses and decided to major in English. It just made sense, I like storytelling, literature, reading and writing. I was certain that English was for me. We actually just finished up our second essay’s on plays. In class a couple days ago, someone had the nerve to tell the professor “I didn’t really want to write it.” The professor laughed and someone else said “Who wanted to write it???” I was shocked. ME. I LOVED WRITING IT. So that is what I decided on and that is what I am majoring in. English. I am overwhelmed. Because I feel like I am going to suffer after college. That I won’t get any job offerings, any call backs from applications, interview opportunities, etc. I am still now contemplating what job exactly fits the category of an English major. Sure, teaching and writing. There’s more but from all my research those are the two most broad. I am a little worried, but I know. I know I will be fine. I trust myself and the future. No matter what it holds. I know that if it happens, it is where I am supposed to be. The real “job” I want is FILM MAKING!!!! The reason for my English degree is not only because I like it, but is to make me a better filmmaker!! A true cinematic storyteller!!!! I want it, I want it so bad that I tear up every time I say/write/think it. Regardless of all the transient doubts and unnecessary negativity that I put myself through, I will always want it. I am sucked in. It is my purpose, and it chose me. It freaking chose me and I can’t escape it. “Find what you love and let it kill you.��� When I first read this quote, I was in a Sociology class at UC Merced (great class). The TA had that quote in a form of a sticker on her laptop. Every Monday I quickly glanced at it, and sunk it in, thinking damn that’s an awesome quote. It’s killing me alright. You have no idea. I feel like shit. Like I’m in a sinking hole that doesn’t have a bottom. I have come to accept that it is apart of the process and although it hurts, I have settled on it. “Everything that can happen will happen.” Who said I can’t tell a good story? I can!!! Who said I can’t make a movie?? I CAN!!!! So it can happen, and it will.