#can take the girl out of redacted
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there's no one working class vacationing here.... What's up w that :)
#bruhhh sticking out like a sore thumb#im just woakin ere#and everyone looks so rich girl#this is so cringe and awkward#with their gucci prada clothes and bags etc#and im here. in my nondescript#no brand clothes#bruh#also yes i am dressed like someone from redacted#can take the girl out of redacted#but cant take redacted out of the girl đ#pers
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this is only funny if you subscribe to the idea that mike's monologue doomed hawkins, butâ
#mike wheeler#snowjanus#coriolanus x sejanus#i will admit this one is a bit niche. but u can take the girl out of [redacted] but you can't take the [redacted] out of the girl đ
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As someone who worked retail for 7 years with 6 of them being at a customer service counter (never again, my gods, my mental health was in the toilet and spiraling. I might still be in retail but I am just fine being an overnight stock person)
I can just imagine Treasure working customer service or food service (or any job really, those are just ones i actually have experience with) and trudging in to Porter's place and finding him lounging on a couch and just plopping down on top of him and covering his ears before screaming into his chest
He hums softly as he gently removes their hands from his ears before running a soothing hand along their spine. "Rough shift, Treasure?"
He barely understands them as they mumble against his chest, refusing to budge from their position. But he thinks he makes out something about a screaming Karen or an pervert or their manager being the worst micromanaging piece of shit they'd ever dealt with
"I hate seeing you like this, my dear... if work is such a stress, why not find something more suitable?" His voice was gentle, not dismissive like most people were, but genuinely curious on why they were still at a place where they often left feeling worse than before.
He listens as they lift their head enough to explain how long they'd been there, the benefits they'd earned, the raises. They felt like they just had to wait it out, they had bills to pay, they couldn't just quit
"If you're that concerned with bills, let me take care of that...of you. You don't have to say yes right now. But I want you to think about it, Treasure. I assure you, I have plenty of funds to support you comfortably. Take some time off, relax and recharge. I'll take care of everything until you find another job that is more suited to you. You deserve the world, Treasure, and I want to give it to you"
#redacted asmr#redacted audio#redacted porter#can you tell i self projected?#oh well#i just want a sexy masochistic vamp to take me away and spoil me is that so wrong?#eh my anxious self wouldnt want to owe him anything but a girl can dream#you just know hed be down to provide a way for them to vent their frustrations out on him
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â Are you sure Burke wants to buy Collinwood? â Yes, he said so. I'm just afraid it's only the beginning of what he wants.
#76.#⤠roger collins & victoria winters & burke devlin. â to know how it endsâ and still begin to sing it again.#gifs.#⤠edits & art. â the evans cottage art gallery.#⤠roger collins. â I and my ghosts want a drink.#⤠victoria winters. â because sheâs lost and lonely. because she looks in shadows.#⤠re: burke devlin. â I am stranded in a hungerland of great prosperity.#I just think about Louâs acting choices a lot.#the little pleading pout he gives her ⌠the yearning after her... the fussing that she's talking to burke in the doorway...#and the way vicki holds eye contact with him ... hhhh.#and this is sandwiched between talking to her on the cliffs and taking her out to the blue whale !! (i think all the same day?)#it's just so... impactful. that this is blocked in the threshold.#lingering between burke and roger; the drawing room and foyer; pulled to either side by two versions of what happened ten years ago.#roger tugging (forcefully) at her loyalty to the collins family and her gratitude for giving her a home and family;#burke tugging her sympathies because he also wants a home; roots; a big house to raise his kids in â he's alone in the world like she is.#[heathcliff] is more myself than i am!#and you can see the realization on his face that should burke tug her too far;#roger's cord of communion will snap and he will take to bleeding inwardly.#vicki by nature of her character not only responds to truth with her favor â but; conversely; by giving her favor creates truth.#when she likes and trusts and wants to spend time w/ roger he fares very well: a breakfast date where she supplies him with an alibi â#a dinner date that covers up his perjury meeting. vicki's good opinion is indispensable for his survival â#the very minute he loses that â when she is certain he's bill's murderer â she turns on him and so does everyone else and he immediately#loses his freedom (albeit only temporarily held at the police station rather than 5 years in prison)#she's not literally taken laura's place with them â but it's remarkable how much her romantic intentions influence the outcome of that#decade-old case; in just the same way that laura choosing roger as her husband and supplying truth through her testimony lead to#burke's condemnation before. it's much the same game roger is playing at this point in the story (at a significant disadvantage#to last time; because he can't offer vicki â penultimate Good Girl â a ring)#vicki's heart; affection; attraction; tied up fundamentally in Justice. and her position as narrator#making it all the more compelling that she writes Truth as vicki is navigating who *very literally* holds the Pen.#burke's story or roger's story? burke's [redacted] or roger's [redacted]?
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Oh my god itâs Lazarus Rising dayâŚâŚ.he literally gripped him tight and raised him from perditionâŚâŚ
#sorry.#can take the girl out of *redacted*#but you canât take *redacted* out of the girl#betsey rambles
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i shouldve studied something else i shouldâve done stem
#GUUUUUYYYSSSUUAUAUUUHGGAHUHGHH#i am so so so dumb and stupid truly i can feel like brain smoothing as the seconds pass#i feel like iâm gonna die someday and theyâre gonna take my brain out and itâs gonna look like a bowling ball bc of how smooth it is AUUAUGH#yesterday a girl at this party asked me what my major was and i said gd and she was like âdo you love it?!â and i just đâđźđ§đ§đ§đ§đ§#GGAAAAHHWHHHHUHHHHHUH I DOOO I LOVE IT I THINK BUT IM SO SCAAARREDD I FEEL LIKE IM BAADDDDDD AND IT MAKES ME THINK I DONT LIKE IT TTTT#I DONT LIKE BEING BAAADDDUUUHAHGHGHIHGH HOW HARD CAN IT BE.#AND I LOVE SCIENCE SO MUCUUUUCH BUT MY BRAIN HAS SMOOTHED BEYOND REPAIR I KNWO I WOULD BE BAD#BUT IF I STARTED OUT DOING IT MAYBE I WOULDNT BE SO BAD. AUUGGHH#maybe my smooth brain would not be so smooth. god. i love science#i loved biology i loved oceanography i LOOOVE CHEMISTRY AUUGH#and if covid donât happen i wouldâve taken physics and probably hated it but maybe i wouldnât and maybe i would like astrophysics#and maybe i would go to space. covid ruined my chances of going to space and turning my brain smooth#whatever whatever whatever i like being an artist itâs fine i love being a graphic designer i love being an illustrator i love it#it would just be very very nice if i didnât feel dumber than everyone around me all the time when having conversations#and it would be nice to not be. so so scared of my job all the time#whatever whatever#sorry#đ.txt#i love science#my high school chemistry teacher also redacted after i graduated an do liked him a lot so that makes me miss chemistry even more. WHATEVER#sorry iâm done
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hi this is actually so wild (and you probably donât remember me) but we were friends in like 2021? through mc*yt unf :/ but i actually just rediscovered ur blog going to just go delete my entire old mcyt blog and i just wanted to say that i hope youâre doing well :]
omg hiii i hope youre doing well too!!!! n i prob do rmr u if u lmk who u r đ
#im kicking about on 1987997 these days -> can never take the rpf out of the girl#asks#[redacted] tumblr user
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*2015 voice* i wish i had the chillness instead i got the mental illness
#evidence of life#tw for mental illnesses major distress illness symptoms that arenât romanticized (lawl) suicide ableism i guess?#idk just a massive tw for what iâve said in the notes / donât read if descriptions of mental illnesses bother you etc#///////////////////////â///////////////////////â///////////////////////â///////////////////////â////////////////////////////////////////////#i literally had to mix rubbing alcohol into my body wash then put it all over my body except my hair to stop myself from committing suicide#iâm so serious if thereâs one thing i donât say with my convoluted levels irony itâs suicide whenever i say kms im 100% serious#suicide is literally a constant ideation for me and i just canât teehee about it ever i think itâs because it is one of the few ways i feel#that i can take total control full autonomy#anyways isnât crazy traumatic things will happen and we have to just keep going like im literally on tumblr after [redacted]âŚ#also why is my psychosis so obsessed with break ins these days when i was doing my rubbing alcohol scrub it did the break in scenario#like miss girl literally nobody want us that bad take a seatâŚ#anyways this day started out okayish and now itâs literally *burning building in the background*#i wanna try to at least make it possibly kind of better by going to watch the sunset but no promises kinda itching for more rubbing alcohol#anyways slayyyy respectfully i hope this scares offâŚwho it usually doesâŚ#like bro i am not a manic pixie dream girl i am not a smol bean with anxiety not a depressed gloomy muse etc#i am [as described by men who thought that i was just another goth bitch with daddy issues that knew all the right moves to make me into#whatever they needed me to be and or thought i was being hyperbolic when i say i am insane in the head and the pussy (as above so below)]#âcrazy crazyâ âfucked upâ ânot worth it [because i am crazy for real]â â[in need for a dude who one course in psychology and thinks that and#his dick are enough to âcure meâ âweirdâ âfreakâ âlooneyâ (kinda love that one like so true) etc (bc i donât want to talk abt this anymore)#edit: my âtemporary icon bothering more than it should rn ughhh bad end all around goodness
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debating with my PI is not enough I need to be in a homoerotic academic rivalry
#you can take the girl out of premed but you canât take the premed out of the girl i guess#pretentious4pretentious lesbians who want to talk about T cells hmu#redacted lab notes
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Ah fuck i am romanticizing the shit out of a sword. I think Iâm gonna ration my money for my next 4 paychecks so I can afford a sword and my tattoo (both in august lol) because not getting a sword at this point will be devastating. And yes I did just remember Iâm getting a tattoo in august. Hell yeah
Oh edited to add since my birthday is in august maybe I can be like no gifts just money for sword. Because Iâm a special little baby I still get gifts from my immediate family but this year? All sword. Letâs get this fucking bread (a sword)
#canât wait to see my parents this weekend and be like oh btw Iâm going to ren fair with my friend in august#and there is a 99.9% chance Iâm walking out of there with a sword#(if ALL the swords are over 600 dollars or I donât find one I like i wonât get a sword so I can save up or custom order one)#but like. mineru called the master sword the sword of hope (that is my girl name) and my stick at work is just like a long sword#and ever since I was a little 10 year old watching Merlin on DVDs mailed from Netflix I have wanted a sword and wanted to sword fight#I gotta get a sword. I would take such good care of it#and thereâs a HEMA club in my hometown so when im at [redacted] I could do like actual classes and tournaments etc#and when im off on my farm idk Iâll figure something out.#but I havenât loved sword fighting from afar for this long for me to not get a sword at some point.#I should get the master sword tattooed on me lol#diary post#ok itâs 9 I HAVE to go2 bed goodnight phone friends. tonight Iâll dream of glinting metal and the sound of blades swishing through the air
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Sigh. Love it when people on the internet feel entitled to your existence
#i curate my facebook to be people i know. if i cant recognize your name you get unfriended#this one person. for like. six months. has been making new accounts to try to talk to me#and its like. look. if i do actually know you. then you can figure out a different way to tell me ''hey its me''#but making new accounts to get around a block and then messaging me angrily about it? lmfao#you honestly think i wont ban the sixth one without saying a damned word? no im not feeding the troll#i had the thought that most social medias will drop the ip banhammer for repeated block evasions#..... except i cant figure out how to access my blocked users list on mobile.#because why tf would you want functionality in your app#so guess itll have to wait till im back at my pc#because im not gonna feed the troll. obviously. but if youre gonna do it this consistently i will escalate.#its a white girl from [redacted] i think evading an ip ban will be beyond her skillset. so ill just take your damn toy away from you#or ill figure out how to ban her ip address personally. either or.#gotta have facebook unfortunately necause the work groupchat is there otherwise id delete it wholesale#evade the block then dumbass. but alas#i really should sleep but now im too anxious rage. guess its back to sudokus
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#I only have two friends so i really cannot afford to be as annoyed at this one as i am#especially considering the weirdness with my (former) neighbor. like. things should be simple with my former roommate then#but man#GIRL I HATE YOUR HUSBAND#I HATE HIM#HE GOT A [REDACTED] ON THE [REDACTED ADMISSIONS TEST] BECAUSE HE#DID NOT STUDY EVEN THO YOU BEGGED HIM TO FOR THE WHOLE SUMMER AND NOW YOURE PLANNING ON TAKING OUT THREE YEARS OF#STUDENT LOANS FOR HIM TO GO TO SCHOOL FOR WHAT REASON WHEN HE HAS NEVER DEMONSTRATED#HE IS CAPABLE OF SUCCEEDING IN SCHOOL TO THE DEGREE THAT MAKES THAT WORTHWHILE#ITS LITERALLY DEFINITELY NO DOUBT ABOUT IT BECAUSE HE SAW YOU DOING THIS AND THOUGHT HE COULD DO IT TOO#BECAUSE HE THINKS HE IS SMARTER THAN YOU. HE THINKS IF SHE CAN DO IT IT MUST BE EASY. BECAUSE HE THINKS HE IS THE SMARTEST#PERSON IN THE WORLD EVEN THOUGH ALL HE DOES APPARENTLY IS PLAY VIDEO GAMES#AND SLEEP UNTIL ONE PM. HERES AN IDEA IF HIS JOB IS ONLY FOUR DAYS A WEEK AND YOU GUYS ARE SO SO POOR#HOW ABOUT HE GETS A WALMART JOB OR SOMETHING??? We'd Never See Each Other WELL HE SLEEPS UNTIL ONE PM SO WHEN DO YOU SEE HIM NOW#ALSO OF COURSE YOUR FAMILY HATES HIM. HE IS VERY BAD TO BE AROUND.#AND EVEN IF HE WASNT CHARMLESS THE FACT THAT HE GAVE YOU AN EXTENDED MONTHS LONG MENTAL BREAKDOWN AFTER BREAKING UP WITH YOU MEANS THAT#YOUR FAMILY WILL NEVER TRULY LIKE HIM. AND THATS FINE. THEYRE CIVIL AND GET ALONG. BUT STOP TRYING TO FORCE YOUR DAD TO HAVE A ONE ON ONE#RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM WHY ARE YOU SO INTERESTED IN GETTING THEM TO TALK WITHOUT BEING INVOLVED??? ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU TALKED TO YOUR OWN#FATHER WITHOUT HIM BEING INVOLVED ONCE AND HE SAID DONT EVER DO THAT AGAIN WHICH WHAT THE FUCK BY THE WAY#also you don't have to go to your in laws wedding and they weren't obligated to think of your exams when picking the date#also if you're so poor stop buying Starbucks every time i see you and especially stop buying food#there's stuff you complain about not being able to afford which would literally be like five Starbucks visits if that#you were annoying about money when we lived together and you are annoying about it now if your husband isn't hanging out with us I don't#want to fucking buy him dinner too#while you complain there isn't any organic garlic powder at the store and toss whole bottles of lotion because they have unclean ingredient#you seem not to grasp that you and he are in an insanely horrible financial situation like crazy awful bad and when your student loans kick#in next year it's going to become obvious.#and you want a baby in two years??? you need to start thinking about how not to let it end up in indentured servitude#because again you are about to take out big time student loans for your husband's latest in a long string of dreams and they're bigger#because he didn't do well in school or prove himself capable in any way so he is unlikely to receive a scholarship
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drew and actress!reader read thirst tweets
masterlist | actress!reader masterlist
warning: a little bit thirsty, as expected <3
The cast settled into their seats as the crew finished setting up the cameras and lighting.
âWhy am I more nervous for this than any of the other interviews?â Madelyn laughed, straightening up her dress. The cast had already done a handful of different interviews for the third season of Outer Banks, the famous (or infamous) âThirst Tweetsâ the last on the docket.
âNo I am too, babes.â Y/n said, shaking Madelynâs leg playfully. The three girls, Madelyn, Madison, and y/n, sat in front chatting while the boys, JD and Drew, were getting their hair ârefreshedâ before they began shooting.
âAlright, so here are your tweets,â one of the crew members said, handing each of them a phone preloaded with tweets of varying degrees of horniness.
âOh myââ JD started to shout, but was cut off when Madison elbowed him.
âDonât start yet!â Madison giggled, resting her phone in her lap, a blush already rising in her cheeks.
âOk, you guys good?â The cameraman asked, shooting the cast a thumbs up.
âYes!â The five of them shouted in unison as the camera began to roll.
âAlrighty, take it away⌠Madelyn.â The secondary camera operator focused on Madelyn, who looked down at her phone.
âOk, this one is pretty straightforward: âMadelyn Cline is a motherâ.â Madelyn giggled.
âNot just âa motherâ, âmotherâ.â Madison corrected, causing Madelyn to shake her head bashfully.
âOk, ok, Mads you go.â Y/n said, elbowing Madison lightly.
ââMadison Bailey please kiss meâ...â Madison looked into the camera, a cheeky grin on her face. âHa, ha⌠no.â
The cast laughed before returning to their phones, looking through their tweets.
ââJonathan Davis I am free tomorrow at 5 pm if you want to go on a date and hold hands! And⌠redacted, redacted, redactedâ.â Jonathan read.
âSounds⌠fun?â Y/n commented, glancing back at JD, an eyebrow raised.
âOh, âitâs true. Drew Starkey makes me go feralâ.â Drew read sheepishly, his cheeks flushing. JD started to make some sort of animal noise, Drew joining in, the two of them playfully going âferalâ behind the girls.
âY/n, does Drew Starkey make you go feral?â Madelyn asked teasingly.
âNot in whatever way they were doing.â Y/n stifled a laugh, turning back to Drew, who shook his head with a grin.
âOk, sure. You go, baby.â Drew said, rolling his eyes playfully.
âAlrightâŚâ Y/n scrolled, looking for a good tweet before continuing, âây/n is so fine, like please ruin my life I beg of youâ. Wow, thanks I guess? For letting me ruin your life?â
The cast laughed before continuing back to their tweets, each of them feeling flushed and flattered by the very kind tweets.
ââBefore I watched Outer Banks I always classified the rich as annoying and vowed Iâd never simp over oneâŚââ Drew read, ââuntil I met Rafe Cameron and flew up his ass like a batâ?â
ââFlew up his ass like a batâ?â Y/n asked incredulously, her mouth agape.
âIf somebody walked up to you on the street and said that to youâŚ?â Madelyn asked Drew.
âMarry me.â Drew said nonchalantly.
âDrew, I need to ask you a questionââ Y/n began, but collapsed into a fit of laughter before she could get the words out.
âCan I âfly up your ass like a batâ?â JD finished, making eye contact with Drew before the two of them moved in for a dramatic kiss, falling away just before their lips wouldâve met. The girls let out surprised screams, grabbing onto each other before laughing.
ââI love my boyfriend with all my heart, I truly do, but Madelyn Cline can sit on my face sheâs so beautifulâ.â Madelyn read, a small smirk on her face.
âWow, thatâs a lot⌠real.â Y/n said. Drewâs head whipped up, a look of confusion on his face.
âIs there something you need to tell us?â JD quipped, causing y/n to realize exactly what she said.
âNo, no, no,â Y/n chuckled. âMadelyn Cline is very beautiful, but I am still very much feral for Drew Starkey.â
âYouâve got a thing for Camerons?â Madison asked, Madelyn and Drew leaning in with mischievous smiles on their faces.
âYep, yep, thatâs it.â Y/n laughed, nodding into the camera.
ââY/n is so beautiful, Drew Starkey can you fight?ââ Y/n read with a chuckle, turning to look at Drew.
âYes, yes I can.â Drew said into the camera, his face completely serious.
âDrew wouldnât hurt a fly.â Madelyn clarified.
âOh no, no, I will. Trust.â Drew raised his eyebrows, wrapping an arm around y/nâs shoulders before pressing a kiss to the top of her head. The cast let out a collective âawwwâ, y/n giggling bashfully.
ââDrew Starkey could rail me anyday. Respectfullyâ.â Drew chuckled nervously. Madelyn and Madison looked between each other, their jaws dropped.
âOnce again, Iâm flattered. But⌠thatâs reserved for this oneââ Drew grabbed y/nâs shoulder, shaking her playfully. Y/n immediately put her hands over her face, hoping to cover the flustered expression on her face.
âOh my god.â Y/n mumbled into her hands, the other cast members bursting out into fits of laughter at Drewâs boldness.
âAlright, and cut!â The cameraman said, the cast letting out cheers as they got up from their seats. As they stood, y/n felt a pair of arms wrap around her waist before turning back to Drew.
âHow you feeling, baby?â Drew hummed, grinning down at y/n cheekily.
âFlattered. Very.â Y/n giggled, pressing a kiss to Drewâs jaw.
âWell, a lot of those tweets certainly had some⌠good ideas.â Drew whispered.
âStarkey! Youâre⌠too much.â Y/n felt her cheeks warm as Drew kissed her languidly.
âAm I wrong though, baby?â He teased.
âLetâs see when we get to the hotel.â Y/n said, stepping away from Drew and grabbing his hand as they made their way out of the studio⌠but she had a feeling they probably werenât going to make it to the hotel.
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THE LOVE PROGNOSIS, fin. â JJK (m.)
for as long as you can remember, youâve always been a hopeless romantic.
the girl whoâs always dreamt of cheesy encounters with her soulmate, grand love declarations, and a cute little beach wedding to boot. but reality pretty much slaps you hard right on the face, because love, unfortunately, doesnât come grand â itâs simple and itâs quiet, but it is quite painful, especially when the love that youâve been seeking for all your adult life has just been right under your nose all this time.
PAIRING jungkook x female reader // mingyu x female reader
GENRE r18+ (angst, fluff, smut) MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!
CHAPTER WORD COUNT 43.2k idcccccc atpđ take ur time!
CHAPTER WARNINGS/MISC medical!au, roommates!au, surgeon!jk, surgeon!reader (they are both 4th year residents and are co-workers), corporate lawyer!mingyu, oc and jk are bffs since med school but their love language is fighting each other <3, jk and mingyu are bffs during undergrad, hopeless romantic!oc. dont read further warnings if u dont wanna be spoiled: ANGST. im aware i kinda overkilled it here but uh.. hear me out! explicit sexual content [ male mast*rbation, oral s*x (f&m receiving), making out, dry h*mping, penetr*tive s*x (protected and unprotected, missionary, cowgirl, doggy, spooning), a bit of c*mplay, jk <3 boobs, ily kink (redacted) cries during sex lol ]. FLUFFy fluff fluffff đ some of the scenes give very much like 2000s romcom vibes but idc sue me also theres a #merder reference ifykyk
NOTES we have finally reached the end! sorry it took me a month to get this out sjdfhd but its here and its long as fuck n im so proud of this and happy that i finished a series!! for once!!! will always love my silly tlp couple and the characters 𼚠let me know ur thoughts on my inbox oki and circulate by liking and reblogging if u enjoyed reading hihi ty ok bye enjoy reading!đŤľđźđŤľđź [ important: pls make sure to read the note below ]
[ SERIES MASTERLIST ] // [ MAIN MASTERLIST ]
A day passed since the fiasco at the villa happened and Jungkook and you have acted like total strangers since then. The rest of your friends easily took notice of it; the silence between you two on the ride to the airport, the not-so discreet way you avoided each other at the waiting area, even going as far as exchanging seats inside the plane when on any other day, you two didnât mind being close together physically.Â
Jungkook knows absolutely that the avoidance is doing you both a disservice. Youâre both grown adults and going to extreme lengths to ignore each other â like not even looking at the other when you bump in the hospital hallways â is a one-way ticket to your relationshipâs foundations crumbling.Â
That thought terrified Jungkook so much that he decided to come clean tonight. Talk to you properly when his mind is cleared and there was no Mingyu to aggravate his thoughts and project actions heâs not necessarily proud of â because the fight was juvenile, he knows that. Him committing and giving in to violence is not something he wants you to see, no matter the context. You were right when you said that was not him, and Jungkook canât have you thinking otherwise.
When he steps in front of your apartment door, he thinks if youâre already there. He isnât entirely sure. You two havenât seen each other at the hospital and you havenât been texting him either. Â You might still be doing your rounds, he thought, but when he opens the door to your unit and trudges his feet to the living room, he catches a sight of you going out from your bedroom.
The two of you freeze upon seeing each other, but Jungkookâs surprise soon turns into confusion when he notices the carry-on luggage in your hand.
âOh, youâre here,â You utter, filling the silence in the air. âI was just going.âÂ
âWhere?â Jungkook instantly asks, taking you both by surprise.Â
But you quickly recover. You give him a small smile â but what Jungkook clearly sees is a wince. Â
âIâm going over to my sisterâs,â You mustâve seen the way Jungkookâs boring holes at your pink luggage, and so you take a glance at it momentarily, tugging on the handle to scoot it over closer to your side. You clear your throat. âIâm staying there for a while.âÂ
Jungkook feels a certain weight drop on his shoulders, his lips parting at your declaration.Â
â__, i-if this is about what I said, you donât have to leaveââ
You cut him off quickly. âNo. Itâs not that. I just⌠I just need some time away.â
Even though he doesnât like the implication, he gets you.
Blinking, he thinks what to say next. Jungkook doesnât want to say the wrong words â heâs well aware of the fact that he's put his foot in his mouth back at the resort, and heâs not fucking up the second time around.Â
While he intended to talk to you tonight to address the elephant between you two, he also understands completely why you need time for yourself. It was too much. He told you a lot of things and he canât expect you to process all of them in a single day. Â
So, he nods, still stricken, heart heavy when he looks at you again. âOkay.âÂ
âOkay.â You repeat, voice a little louder than him. A pregnant pause, and youâre pulling up the handle of your luggage again, the wheels gliding on the floorboards as you begin to head towards the door to your apartment.
Jungkook doesnât mean to sound so alarmed when he suddenly blurts out, âNow?âÂ
He doesnât even know why. It was the obvious. Youâve packed your things â youâre heading out. But he couldnât stop himself. Itâs like thereâs a sense of fear clouding his mind the more this moment of you leaving stretches out further.
You stop on your tracks, blinking at him. âY-yeah?âÂ
âOh.â Jungkook feels his hand itching to do something. Something stupid like grab your wrist gently to make you stay.Â
But he knows thatâs futile. He doesnât have the right to make you stay if you donât want to in the first place.Â
âSeokjinâs actually coming in a few minutes,â you tell him, glancing at your phone. âMy sisterâs still at work, so she made him pick me up.âÂ
Jungkook can only give you a nod.
It makes sense for your brother-in-law to come pick you up. It also makes sense for you to stay over their place considering that their apartment isnât that far from the hospital and you wonât have a hard time commuting to work if you planned to stay there for a little while.Â
He wonders, though, why you arenât staying at Doyeonâs instead⌠he doesnât know if youâve talked already, but from what it seems, you arenât talking to the rest of your friends, either; judging by the way he hasnât seen you together with any of them at the hospital. Taehyung had suggested that maybe you just need time, to which Doyeon and Nayeon agreed to. Jungkook canât help but feel bad, though. Youâre seemingly coming out isolated at the end of his own doing. If youâre avoiding your friends just because of him, that would be extremely unfair to you. Taehyung, Doyeon and Nayeon are just as much as your friends as they are his, and during these times, you should feel comfortable taking solace in their friendship like how heâs leaning on them currently.
Guilt washes over him at the thought. He canât bear thinking about you hurting in the process of all of this. He just wants so badly to make it up to you, for you both to be okay again. You didnât even have to acknowledge what he said â about him being in love with you. You could totally ignore it and act like it never happened, go on about your days like nothing changed as long as youâre by his side.
It hurts. It hurts that even when youâre just physically within his reach right now, he canât seem to get a hold of you. And he has no one to blame but himself.Â
A phone rings and Jungkook watches as you fish out your device from your pockets.Â
âMust be Jin.â you say, picking up the call. You exchange a few words with your brother-in-law for a few seconds before hanging up and looking at him again. âHeâs outside already.âÂ
Jungkook nods, biting back the words that consist of something stupid like âdonât leaveâ.Â
âYour carâŚ?â He hesitates, remembering how youâd drive to work.Â
âIt broke again yesterday. Iâm actually⌠uh⌠thinking of just selling it. Get it over with.â
Your car. You mentioned your parents have turned it over to you during your junior year in college. It always broke in the most inconvenient times â like the one time you had a bad date, and you panicked-texted him about the car towing company not picking up. It was a Sunday and Jungkook was supposed to go over some paper works, but he scrambled out of his room to get you â and he didnât regret it one bit because you were actually crying the moment he arrived. You had been overstimulated, what with another failed date and your broken car â it was all too much. And you just needed Jungkook to be there. You told him so.Â
Jungkook cherishes those moments a lot. Not because you cried in them â he always felt like it was a punch to the gut whenever he sees you even an ounce of upset â but because it tells him that you trust him with that vulnerable side of you. It means heâs important enough to you to let him in your life. Itâs one of those moments where Jungkook truly steps back to reevaluate your relationship â because sure, it could be merely friendship to anybody, but Jungkook doesnât really think so. Your bond runs deeper than friendship, and he doesnât even mean romantic. Itâs the⌠camaraderie. The partnership.
He couldâve confessed a long time ago â thatâs what people kept saying, but what they donât know is that he has so much to lose. You are more than just the woman he would love to kiss and make love to or call his girlfriend â youâre the love of his life, youâre everything to him. And if he canât have you in any way, heâd truly break.Â
And now that everythingâs said and done â with him finally baring his truth to you â itâs come to this.
You, leaving.
The silence that follows pricks Jungkookâs skin like needles, and the creak of your steps on the floorboards ring in his ears â a daunting harsh whisper of your farewell â although itâs just temporary.Â
But something worries him.Â
What if itâs not temporary? What if during your stay at your sisterâs place, you decide to completely get rid of his company for the good and better?Â
Itâs all those frantic thoughts that urges him to call your name, but he doesnât expect your voice overlapping with his as you say his name at the same time.Â
Jungkookâs lips curl up slightly. âWhat is it?âÂ
Predictably, you wave your hand at him. âNo, you first.â
âItâs okay.âÂ
Your hand hovers over the handle of your suitcase as you pass by him, stopping on the threshold of your apartment. âI justâŚâ you trail off. You look at Jungkook for a moment. âI just wanted to say bye. And uh⌠that⌠I drank all your banana milk in the fridge. But Iâll wire you the money later. Or buy you another batch and Iâll give it to you at the hospital orââ
Jungkook cuts you off by calling out your name, broken by a laugh of amusement. His first smile today, maybe. You look at him wide-eyed. Itâs fascinating the way you have him completely wrapped around your finger and youâre not even doing anything.
âItâs fine. You donât need to wire me anything.âÂ
âOh... well, Iâm still sorry.â He nods, giving you a small smile. âWhat was it you wanted to tell me, then?âÂ
Right now, he forgets what it was even all about. âJust, uh, please tell your sister and Seokjin hyung I said hi.â Â
Jungkook doesnât want to delude himself into thinking that your face flashed a look of disappointment for the briefest moment after he said the words. At the back of his mind, he thinks you were expecting more â but he knows heâs reaching, grasping for straws, and heâs just desperate for anything from you he canât really rationalize his line of thinking.Â
So with a final wave of your hand â a bit timid â you turn around and open the door to your unit, and Jungkook watches as your form disappears completely, leaving him stoned in his position in the middle of the living room for a long time; head empty, body numb, until he gathers time to collect himself and finally move over to the bathroom, where he takes a cold shower in hopes for an improved mood.
It didnât really do anything, and he found himself having a hard time sleeping â waking up randomly during the wee hours of the morning.
When he stirs awake from his blaring alarm at 5:30, heâs nothing but adrift.
It feels weird when he goes to the kitchen and he doesnât see you, as he expects you to be there in whatever worn up shirt from high school you still have, making toast or some quick breakfast â with your playlist playing from your phone â but you werenât.Â
And Jungkook remembers that would be the case for another few days to come. Something he has to be okay with.
For the meantime.
He hopes.  Â
Jungkook doesnât get drunk often, but now, his friends are assuming he is. For the record, though, he is not drunk and they are just exaggerating. Sure, heâs staggering and heâs mixing up his syllables and grammar â but he swears he just feels a little woozy.
âJungkook,â Doyeon calls him, laughing a bit. âCome on, Taehyungâs driving you home.âÂ
âDonât want to,â He says as he takes another swig of his fifth canned beer heâs been consuming since they all arrived at the barbecue place. âI can handle my alcohol.â
Which â fair. Thatâs not new news. But stillâ
âNo shit, you have a shift tomorrow at eleven in the morning. Donât be stubborn. Itâs time to go home.âÂ
âItâs fine, Iâll Uber back.âÂ
Jungkook watches as Doyeon rolls her eyes.Â
âAre you really moping right now?âÂ
He sends her a glare â one that she predictably does not take seriously. ââM not moping. Youâre moping.âÂ
âAnd Iâm Kate Bush. Taehyung, can you just drag Jungkook out of here? I think heâs gonna cry any minute now and the auntie is closing. We gotta go.â Nayeon butts in, and even though her words may seem harsh around the edges, she looks at Jungkook with a concerned gaze. The playful atmosphere from earlier now dissipating.
Jungkook appreciates the warmth that he gets from Nayeonâs gentle approach to everything â but right now, all it does is make him feel pitiful. Doyeonâs right. He is moping. Moping for something that shouldâve been within his control in the first place.
âMan, you know you bench way more than me. I canât carry you out all by myself if youâre all drunk and shit.â Taehyung nudges him on the shoulder, enough to make Jungkook move from his seat. He only grumbles.
Doyeon sighs. âWhat do you want, Jungkook? Call __? Tell her youâre getting wasted and come pick you up?âÂ
Jungkook visibly flinches at the mention of you.
Ever since they arrived at the restaurant, Jungkook has noticed that his friends have been deliberately omitting your name in the conversation â until now, anyway. He thinks they all planned this spontaneous hang to âcheer him upâ or whatever the fuck Taehyung said on their way here â which seemed like a slip-up, because Doyeon had hit the back of his head lightly right after saying it.Â
Theyâre walking on eggshells around him like heâs some kind of house of cards â one nudge and a blow and he comes crumbling down.
Jungkook hates getting doted on like this. Itâs not like you two broke up. They just knew that you went to stay at your sisterâs place for a while and you never said when youâre coming back. He hasnât had any encounters with you at the hospital nowadays â youâre getting good at hiding from him and the rest of the gang, and every single day bleeds into countless sleepless nights. Youâve been gone for five days; no calls, or at least a text. And it seems like you deactivated your IG. You arenât tweeting or reblogging shit on Twitter as well. Youâve gone completely silent â and with every waking moment that Jungkook spends a day without your presence, it feels like youâre slowly slipping through his fingers.
âNo.â he glares at the three of them. Standing up, he feels his vision dancing at the sudden action.
Well. Maybe he is sort of drunk. A little.Â
âHey, man, letâs go.â Taehyung ushers once again. This time, Jungkook acquiesces but with a groan. Nonetheless, he lets Taehyung wrap his arm around him to prevent him from tripping on his own feet.
When Jungkook manages to stand firm on the ground, he shuts his eyes tight to get a hold of himself and once again look at Doyeon and Nayeon who are still sitting by the table. With a confused expression, he asks, âThought weâre all going?âÂ
âMinhyuk will pick me up.â Nayeon says. Jungkook nods, directing his gaze to Doyeon.
âSomebodyâs picking me up, too,â When Jungkook squints his eyes at her, she rolls her eyes. âDonât start. Tae, drive safely, okay? You didnât drink, right?âÂ
Taehyung shakes his head and gives both women a reassuring nod before they head out of the building when goodbyes were bid, with Taehyung still pressing a hand on Jungkookâs back because heâs still a bit unstable on his feet. Itâs not bad, though, Jungkook doesnât think so. He just feels dizzy and shit, but itâs not anything water canât solve.
Fuck, now he wants to get in bed as soon as possible. After a cold shower.Â
âSorry, man.â he says as he plops down on the passengerâs seat, buckling the seatbelt around himself.Â
Taehyung comfortably settles on the driverâs seat, adjusting the rearview mirror a bit before starting the engine. But not after he responded to Jungkook with a snort, âItâs fine.âÂ
Itâs a quiet car ride and Jungkook can already feel his eyelids threatening to fall, the haze of sleep already clouding his mind. He canât recall how far it takes from the restaurant to his complex, but soon enough, Taehyungâs voice wakes him up from his stupor.Â
âYou okay there?âÂ
Jungkook hums, leaning back to relax his nerves. A minute flies and he sighs loudly, making Taehyung look at him momentarily.
âDonât sleep on me. Again, I am not willing to carry you all the way to your apartment, fucker.â
That makes Jungkook laugh, a snicker escaping past his lips. It makes Taehyung do the same, scoffing at his friend as he did so. The car ride continues into a stretched-out comfortable silence before Taehyung breaks it with a question of, âYou two still havenât talked?âÂ
Jungkook stiffens at the mention, and he knows his friend notices the way he did, but he quickly tries to shake it off. âYeah. Sheâs still at her sisterâs.â Taehyung nods. When Jungkook looks at him, he decides to ask, âWhat âbout you? She reached out yet?âÂ
âNo.â
Jungkook inhales a sharp breath.Â
This is bad. Youâre ignoring all your friends because of him.Â
âSorry.â Jungkook says after a pregnant pause.
âWhat for?â
âDunno. Feels like itâs all my fault,â a sigh escapes past his lips again. âYou guys donât deserve to get caught up in this.â
âJungkook,â Thereâs a lilt to Taehyungâs voice that reminds Jungkook again that the man beside him is older than he is and sometimes, Taehyung can be way more mature, almost like an older brother. He forgets their age difference most of the time. âDonât say that. Â __ just needs her time. Sheâll come around.â
The smile Jungkook gives his way is bitter but itâs a smile, nonetheless.
âI donât know, Tae,â He leans his head back on the seat, staring at nothing in particular. âItâs different this time.â
âYouâve fought before,â Taehyung points out. âHow is this different?âÂ
Jungkook does know what heâs trying to point out. He may be referring to the time in third year of med school when you didnât talk to him for a month â but still. This, right now â whatever is happening â is far from what happened back then.
âJust different,â He shrugs, a poor attempt at nonchalance so Taehyung doesnât think heâs being pathetic. âI feel like this is it.â Taehyung looks at him curiously when the red light turns on. It makes Jungkook squirm, but he voices out what he feels, anyway. âIâm losing her.â
That felt weird the moment it slips his tongue. For the past few days, itâs been in his head â making up the mess of his thoughts. When he said that, for once, it felt like finality. Like its verbalization actually made it real.Â
He does feel like heâs losing you. And it feels like the absolute truth.
âYou canât say that when you havenât even talked to her, Jungkook,â Taehyung says and he says it so firmly. When Jungkook studies the older guyâs face, itâs etched with sincerity, especially when he adds, âDo you really think sheâll let go of an almost decade-long relationship just because of what happened? Frankly speaking, even if she does not feel the same way about you at all, I know her enough to know that sheâll have at least the decency to let you down properly. I think sheâs just trying to think all of this through. Sheâll talk when her headâs clear.âÂ
Jungkook finds himself processing his words. You are exactly like that. Youâre the type of person to need your personal space when youâre confronted by huge predicaments. When he thinks about it â you have so much on your plate. Mingyu, him, your relationship with each of them; Jungkook realizes things must be so hard for you right now, both emotionally and physically. And youâre dealing with all this while still showing up for your rotations.
âYouâre right.â Jungkook whispers.Â
âJust⌠time, okay? You both need time.â Taehyung says and for once, Jungkook smiles a genuine one.Â
The light turns green, and Taehyung continues to drive.Â
Taehyung decided to turn up his jazz playlist and it eased Jungkookâs mind a bit. But it did lull him to sleep all the way to his apartment complex. Thankfully though, it only took Taehyung a few seconds of nudging him before he stirred awake, disoriented when he opened his eyes only to hear his friend say they were already there, ushering him out of his car.Â
He said his thanks to Taehyung, and his friend made sure to tell him to take it easy before he took off. When he was gone, Jungkook went straight to the elevator to press his floor, mind and body working on autopilot as he sauntered over the hallway to stop in front of his unit.
When the door opens, he feels a sense of calmness at the sight of his own place with everything at his disposal including the bathroom that he quickly head towards, not hesitating to strip himself naked on the way to the shower, letting his clothes form a heap on the threshold; bare and naked without a care in the world.
Stepping into the shower box, he turns the showerhead on, hissing at the cold water spraying onto his skin. He needed the cold to get rid of his sluggishness â and it works just as instantly as heâd hoped.Â
Both of his hands shoot up to brush his hair off his forehead, and he stays in that position for awhile; with the water running on his body and his head leaned back a bit, eyes closed as he relaxes.Â
He mindlessly reaches for his shampoo bottle, but when he opens the cap, he smells a completely different product. What welcomes him when he opens his eyes back again is the familiar sight of Bath and Body works bottle. Your water lily springs body wash.
Despite his current headspace, it brings a smile to Jungkookâs lips.
Right.
Heâs noticed in the past few days that you left it in your shared bathroom. Considering all the things that you still have around the apartment, it didnât really look like you packed a lot of things when you left â which should ease Jungkookâs mind. Still, though; the small size of your luggage and the quantity of what you brought with you do not matter when you still arenât home.Â
And with that, Jungkook feels himself slipping back into⌠mulling again. And he canât help but heave out a sigh.Â
He just⌠wants to rest for tonight. Just wants his head emptied out. Relax. He feels like heâs been on edge for the longest of time and he just needs some sort of â heâs not sure â comfort? Maybe something along the lines?Â
And as if his hand has a mind on its own, he grips the bottle of your body wash and squirts an ample amount on his palm, the scent of water lily springs surrounding the confined space of the shower immediately.Â
He lathers it all over his chest, inhaling the gentle waft and how it weirdly calms him from the inside. The room smells just like you. He smells just like you. And it isnât the first time heâs doing this â heâs always liked the way you smelled, and he may have used your body wash by accident countless of times. Jungkook sometimes does it just to tease you â because you always point it out when you notice that he smells the same, and then you get all irritated and it makes Jungkook keen because youâre just so goddamn cute when you glare at him and when you get mean. Teasing you also means that youâd get mad enough to sulk at him, and that gives him the opportunity to make it up to you; and making it up to you means he gets all of your attention.Â
Itâs pathetic but Jungkookâs not ashamed to admit that â just to himself, though. He likes when you give him attention, can you blame him?
His mind goes back to the memory of you cuddling with him on the ground at that random playground near your complex, how you snuggled up to his arm, giggling and threatening him to stop using your body wash. He remembers all the times you would cook together on nights when youâre both free â lounging on the couch mindlessly, either watching a show and debating over useless, stupid stuff â or when you would force him to rub your foot or massage your neck. Jungkook doesnât relent until after you complain for a good five minutes. Heâs gotten better at pretending overtime that he doesnât look forward to touching any part of you.
At that thought, he recalls the way your back felt on his hands when he rubbed sunscreen all over it when you were at the resort. How the plane of your gorgeous skin felt so smooth to the touch, how you make him feel even with just the slightest baring of your skin.Â
Jungkook shuts his close when his mind goes into overdrive.
You. You. You and your bikini. You and your short shorts that might as well just be panties in disguise. You and those cute little, tight camisoles you always wear around the apartment. How he could just sometimes see the outline of your nipples where the thin material of your shirt clings to. How your bare legs look so good when you cross them while reading the paper on a Sunday morning by the kitchen island. How your breasts look like they could fit in Jungkookâs big palms with a bit of overspill â enough to drive him insane.Â
These are the thoughts in Jungkookâs head as he continues to lather the liquidy texture of your body wash all over his body â and when his hand finally nudges the dick in between his legs, he groans.Â
Heâs not a stranger to getting off to the thought of you â youâre a gorgeous woman and it doesnât really help the fact that heâs been in love with you for god knows how long â but it doesnât mean that he does it guilt-free. He almost always feels like shit afterwards.Â
But he canât help it. Not when youâre all over his head again. Not when heâs thinking about how good it would probably fucking feel if he could just have a taste of your plump lips. How it would feel if he could just suck on your neck, paint you with his love there, down to your cleavage then play with both of your tits with his hands â be greedy with it â get your nipples rock hard and pretty tight for him, suck and latch and nip and lick them, make sure itâs all wet before he goes down more south.Â
God. He thinks about it all the time. Howâd it feel to go down on you. Youâre so fucking pretty he could just imagine how gorgeous you would look down there, too. Were you the type to like getting eaten out? Jungkook hopes so. Because he would do everything to satisfy you. Fuck, heâd be so good to you. Heâd tease your clit with his thumb first and youâd tell him that youâre aching for him bad â and heâd cave in and get his first taste with the flat of his tongue and fuck. You probably taste so good heâd crave it for days to come.Â
The next thing Jungkook knows, heâs holding the base of his cock firmly, feeling it getting harder every second. It grows in his hand as he continues to think about eating your pussy, imagining the sounds youâd let out, how youâd look extra beautiful getting fucked by his tongue. Shit. Heâd do it so well if you just asked.Â
Jungkook traps his bottom lip with his teeth as he starts teasing his own cock, already in its full mass, hard and standing tall against his abdomen. He can see the shiny texture of his tip, precum leaking out, begging to be touched. He doesnât wait any second to thumb the liquid off his head, letting out a half-sigh, half-hiss at how sensitive it felt, especially when he runs it over the veiny base.
Inhaling a sharp breath, Jungkook steps back a bit to cup his balls, squeezing it just enough to make him close his eyes. He repeats the motion of sliding his hand up and down his erect cock, feeling himself getting wetter at every second that passes.Â
He gets a picture of you on your knees, and as he pumps himself at a slow pace, he imagines itâs you instead kneading him. You have slender fingers and pretty nails, it would feel so much better if they were wrapped around his cock right now. Your nails would scrape against his length, and youâve held hands enough times for Jungkook to know that his hand is significantly bigger than yours, so you probably wonât fit all of him in your hand â but thatâs alright. Youâd tease him on the tip instead, spread his precum all over, get him needing and wanting more.Â
Jungkookâs hips start to buck as he speeds up his pace, this time jacking himself harder as his mind jumps to more thoughts of you â but this time around, youâre not on your knees: youâre pressed on the glass wall of the shower box, your ass bent for all of him to caress and squeeze, and youâre craning your head to look at him with hooded eyes, lips parted into a gorgeous âoâ as you beckon him to come closer and put his hard dick in your warm, tight, and aching pussy.Â
âFuck.â Jungkook curses as he lets his forehead fall to the wall, resting there for a few good seconds, other hand scrambling to turn off the shower and quickly shutting his eyes close as he pictures himself thrusting into you instead of his stupid fucking hand.
âShit, shit, shitââ He hisses, hand going faster around his length, pumping himself desperately to the thought of his dick sliding in and out of you.
Your moans would fill the tight room, and youâd sound so pretty. Youâd be so pliant against the strong arm that he would wrap you with â and Jungkook would make sure to flick your nipples and fondle your breasts as he pounds into you from behind.
âFuuuuckâŚâÂ
He grunts and he moans, hand impossibly going faster â dick getting harder. He just wants a release. He wants to cum so bad â to kiss you and love you and have you say it back with the same earnestness as him.Â
Jungkook wants so badly to have you in his arms right after he eats you out, to cuddle with you and pretend like you have all the time in the world after heâs made sure to make love to every single inch of your body. To caress your hair and press a kiss on your head anytime he likes â because heâs allowed to. Because you love him. He just wants to be able to touch you in any way possible. Run his fingers over your back, kiss your cheeks, and your scrunched nose. Just wants to bury his face in your chest after a long day at work. Hold you tight against him. Have you close to him, whenever and wherever.Â
But he doesnât have all that. He canât have all that. Not when you donât even feel the same. Not when you reacted that way when he told you he loves you more than just his best friend.Â
âIâm sorry, but I just canât wrap my head around it. Youâre not telling me the whole truth and frankly, I donât believe you.â Â
Your words ring in his ears as he continues to jack himself.Â
The memory is still so vivid in his head â the surprised look on your face â certainly not the pleasant one. You were so⌠surprised. And angry. Like you didnât believe any of what he said. Like you were trying hard to convince yourself that whatever you were hearing from him wasnât true.Â
Because she doesnât feel the same way. Jungkook thinks.
He remembers the night you left. How you could barely look him in the eyes.Â
âShitââ Jungkook hisses as he squeezes his balls, hand pumping faster around his swollen cock. He closes his eyes as he tries to regulate his breathing, his stomach tightening at his impending release â and itâs the last thing he does in favor of his own sanity before his mind slips back again to life without you in it.Â
He would never have you. He can never be anything to you anymore.Â
He will never be, especially as he looks down at his hand on his cock.
How pathetic.
What would you think if you were to see him right now, getting himself off by imagining itâs you instead? Youâd be so disgusted. Youâd look at him like heâs a different person and feel betrayed because â how could the person you trust think about you like this?Â
Thereâs that sense of self-hatred again that Jungkook feels whenever he jacks off to you. That fear of you finding out and not liking it.Â
Jungkook tugs at his cock angrily as he thinks about all that, and he doesnât notice that the stinging in the sides of his eyes would soon turn into tears running down his cheeks as he tries to reach his climax.Â
You would hate him so much. You donât even like him anymore. Donât even want to live with him anymore.
But he just wants to cum so bad. Just wants to feel some sort of clarity. Delude himself into basking in that quick dopamine.Â
He traps a sob in his throat as he makes quick work of his cock, and with one last squeeze around his tight balls, he shoots his hot cum to the wall, hips bucking at his orgasm.Â
Letting out a series of hushed curses, Jungkook continues to pump his cock for more until he feels sensitive, and his dick turns soft and languid against his legs.Â
He grabs the shower head to spray the cum off the wall, feeling the water already turning lukewarm. When he finishes cleaning his mess up, he grabs your body wash and exits the shower, throwing the bottle in the trash can with haste as if it burned him. As he turns back around, he catches sight of himself over the lavatoryâs mirror.Â
There are dark circles under his eyes â not too visible â but theyâre there. His eyes are red from crying, and suddenly his body itches. He should shower again and actually clean up this time.
But Jungkook realizes as he stares at himself again⌠he has never looked so tired. Not even in med school. Or during internship.Â
This whole thing is taking a toll on him â he knows that well by now. Even his friends do as well. Heâs fucking up his sleeping schedule and heâs not even eating properly. He hits the gym not because he wants to but because it helps shut down his head.
Jungkook sighs.Â
Heâs long accepted that the love he holds for you is so big it sometimes borders on piteous. Heâs spent so many years going into this kind of phase where he just mulls over the same thing; that he loves you, but you will never ever feel the same way back.
And the thing is, he's always been okay with it. Jungkook loves loving you. Heâd be a fool not to when he genuinely thinks that you were made to be loved. Â
But at this point, he just feels⌠tired.
Exhausted. Empty.
He wants to sleep. He wants to rest. He wants to wake up the next day and not feel like shit anymore.
Maybe Doyeon was right back at the villa.
It is time to move on.
And maybe⌠just maybe⌠unlike all the other times heâs attempted to do the same thing, this time around will be successful.
Your 7am to 2pm shift had just concluded when you arrived at your sisterâs place, only to see them both all dolled up, ready to go out.
They told you that you could come with them if you liked, but of course you refused. Youâre not the type to interrupt a date and they were certainly too in love for your liking. Donât get you wrong, you love that for both â but youâre getting pretty sick of romance these days and youâre trying to avoid it as much as possible. Seokjin made sure to throw another one of his âDonât mope around, okay? We have Macallan in the cupboards. You know the one.â jokes, though â having already known why youâre here in the first place â and your sister pinched his ear painfully enough for you to ignore and roll your eyes at him lightheartedly.Â
Which leads you to now, binge-eating a left-over tub of vanilla ice cream on a Sunday afternoon from last nightâs impulsive purchase. You know itâs going to make you feel like shit later, but you canât really bring yourself to care â not when the ice cream tastes too good paired with a Sex and The City episode.Â
You like to delude yourself youâre the early season Miranda; independent, boss bitch, career-driven, straightforward but kind. But you had a mortifying realization that maybe youâre actually Carrie. Youâre both so obsessed with love and glorify the idea of âThe Oneâ that you overlook red flags in a guy just to stay in a relationship. And for what? To be completely broken and fucked over in the end of it all.Â
But you donât want to be Carrie â sure, she has a special place in your heart as a fictional character but real-life Carries, with all of their delusions and ideals, are not meant for the real world. Â
âYouâre watching that show again?â
You almost fall over the couch when you hear a familiar voice behind you, and when you crane your neck to look who it was, your eyes widen.
âMom!â you exclaim, rightfully surprised. Your mother â in the flesh â smiles as she sees you grin. âOh my god, I didnât know youâd be hereâ wait, howâd you get inside?â
She waves you off. âYou know your sister and Jin gave me a duplicate key to their place. Anyway, Iâm just here to drop off some side dishes. Also, I know what youâve been up to. And stop eating that ice cream.â
You pout, taking the tub away from you. When you see her walk towards the kitchen with her bags â presumably the side dishes she was talking about â you follow behind her steps, helping her load the containers in the fridge.Â
âWhat do you mean you know what Iâve been up to?âÂ
âYou and Jungkook fought, I heard.âÂ
âMom,â you say with a tone that tells her you donât want to talk about it at all.Â
âYou know Iâm going over there shortly to give him these, right? Supposed to be for the both of you, but oh well, youâre lounging around here.â She says.Â
âIâm not lounging around here. They love that Iâm here.â You counter, referring to your sister and Seokjin. It almost sounded like a whine, though, more than anything. But it was true! They like you being here! Theyâve always treated you like their child⌠but you know youâre kind of pushing it with your sixth-day-stay.Â
Your mother looks at you disapprovingly, loading the last container before shutting the fringe doors shut.Â
âWhatever youâre fighting about, you know avoiding it is not going to make it better.âÂ
You sigh. âIâm not even sure if weâre fighting, anyway.âÂ
âWhatâs that mean?â Your mom asks, sounding confused. You can imagine.
âI donât know⌠just â I donât think weâre angry at each other.â
âNot being angry at each other is worse than being angry at each other. That sounds like withdrawal.âÂ
You wince at her words. âMaybe.âÂ
Your mom sighs. She takes out a bit from the container of stir-fried zucchini and slides you both a plate. âHave you been eating real food? You look like youâre not eating properly.â
Teenager and college you wouldâve rolled your eyes because she always says that youâre losing weight and blah blah blah, but itâs not even true. However, you do know sheâs just concerned, though, and so you nod your head, picking up a zucchini and eating it.
âYes. Jinâs a good cook.â
She nods, eating as well. âSo is Jungkook. He hasnât talked to you at all?âÂ
You thought youâve dodged the topic of Jungkook completely but apparently your momâs still on that. You nibble on your bottom lip as you think what to say.
âHe⌠uhm⌠he didnât text or call.â Well. There was one time. Two days ago. And it was just a simple text about informing you of the sudden change in the OR schedule. You replied to it with a thanks and a smiley face, but he didnât say anything after that â not that your thanks should guarantee anything. That was not exactly a conversation starter.
Still.Â
âHave you talked to him?âÂ
Shoot.Â
You shake your head a bit.Â
The truth is that you canât be sad about Jungkook not reaching out when you havenât been doing the same thing either. Youâre running away from him â you can admit that. The past week hasnât been your proudest moment. Youâve thought it over countless times; why you just canât go ahead and speak to him â because heck, for eight years youâve always done a good job at it, communicating with each other when things went wrong. Like when he teases you too much and you actually get offended, and the same goes for him.
But what happened wasnât just something that came out of a supposedly lighthearted banter. It wasnât your usual banter at all.Â
âWhat happened, sweetie?â And this time your momâs voice is bordering on concern.Â
You donât look at her when you say, âJungkook said heâs in love with me.âÂ
You donât get a reaction. At least â the reaction you were expecting. You thought she would gasp, or at least let out an, âOhâ, but thereâs none of that. When you peer up at her, she just nods.Â
As if the news was no surprise.Â
âAnd I take it didnât go well?â She looks at you gently.Â
âN-no,â you stammer. Swallowing the lump in your throat, you say, âIt was â it was so messy that day, mom. You know we went to that resort for his birthday, right? He and my boyfriend fought, and just â so much happened. I donât even remember half of it. Just that he told me heâs been in love with me for the past eight years.âÂ
Your mom nods. âYour boyfriend⌠is that Mingyu?âÂ
âYes.â It feels weird to call him your boyfriend now. You used to be so giddy calling him that. But right now, it feels almost icky.Â
âWhy did Jungkook and him fight?âÂ
You told her what Jungkook told you â everything, and your mom is sweet almost all of the time but as she listens to everything that Mingyu supposedly did and say â especially about you â she canât help but knit her brows in that quiet anger you know all too well now. But it soon dissipates to worry.Â
She steps closer to you. You look at her with a sad smile. With that, she encloses her arms around you, and you let your chin fall on her shoulder as you reciprocate her hug. You almost cry when she squeezes you. âHow are you feeling then, sweetie?â She asks, voice so gentle and soft. Comforting. You think this has been what you needed all this time.
âLike shit.â you chuckle. âIâve never been so tired. I havenât even talked to Mingyu yet â I havenât been talking to anybody, even my friends. I don't know why Iâm like this.âÂ
âYou know I worry for you.â
âHm?âÂ
âYouâre such a lovely, sweet girl. And these men keep breaking your heart. I wish I can ease your pain, honey. You have the biggest heart in the world.âÂ
You nibble on your bottom lip as you feel that stinging in your eyes at her words. You remember Jungkook saying almost the exact same thing.
âJungkook told me that sometime ago.â you say, holding back the cry you know is coming out any second now.Â
âHe knows you well.â She says as she caresses your head.Â
âI justâŚâ you let out a sigh again, trying to shake off the oncoming tears. âWhen he told me he loved me all this time, I said I didnât believe him. I couldnât wrap my head around it. I still canât.âÂ
âDo you think he would lie about something like that?âÂ
Itâs firm and final when you say, âNo.â Because you know in your heart that was true. Jungkook is anything but a liar. And especially about something like that⌠you just donât think he would ever hurt you intentionally. Thatâd be cruel and Jungkook was never cruel. Itâs just not in his nature.Â
âHm. Then is it because you donât feel the same way at all? Thatâs why you canât believe it?â Your mom asks and itâs the most groundbreaking question youâve ever heard after a while.Â
Do you just⌠not feel the same way?Â
That was definitely the biggest question youâve been avoiding answering.Â
But as your mom pushes you slightly so she can look at you earnestly, gently, like she has no expectations whatsoever â just here to hold and comfort you â it beckons you into spilling your emotions.Â
âI⌠I really donât know, mom.â You intake a sharp breath. âHeâs been a constant presence in my life for eight years. Weâve neverâ weâve never considered the possibility of being more than just friends. Iâ I donât know why he would love me. Or fall for me. Heâs never shown interest, the way I saw it â but these days Iâve been rethinking that and Iâm beating myself over for being stupid because itâs like â how could I have not known? Heâs always been so caring towards me. Always makes time for me. Heâs never let me down and heâs just â heâs my person, mom. Always has been. And how could I have thought that he didnât mean for that to come off as purely platonic?â you stop, feeling your lips wobble. âItâs just⌠I donât know. I donât know what to feel. All I know is that these days without him have been so painful, especially when we havenât properly talked. I miss him everyday and it kills me that we arenât like before right now. I want to be by his side all the time, and I think I may have taken that for granted for the past eight years weâve known each other.âÂ
You donât realize youâve let out so much, but your mom just lets you snuggle closer to her, knowing that youâre feeling a lot right now. And you do. You havenât talked to anyone about what you really felt â not even your sister, even though you knew she did her best to do so â but as your mom soothes your back with the gentle rub of her hand, you let yourself be comforted.Â
âYou know what I think, honey?âÂ
You look up at her with teary eyes, nodding weakly.
She gives you a small smile. âDo you remember that time when I thought he was your boyfriend when you brought him for Christmas?âÂ
Nodding, you chuckle. Second year of med school it was. Eunwoo was in Switzerland for a a big project â and Jungkookâs parents werenât in town. You both didnât have anybody to celebrate Christmas with and so you ended up asking Jungkook to come home with you.Â
It wasnât just your mom who thought he was your boyfriend. Your sister and Seokjin also assumed the same thing.Â
Around that time, you havenât introduced Eunwoo to them yet so basically, they didnât know that you were taken already.Â
âI think this is just me being old⌠but you kind of⌠you get to know these things, __. Youâll see somebody's eyes, they way they gaze at somebody. When we were opening those gifts during Christmas eve, I saw the way that kid looked at my daughter with so much adoration that I even thought you were just being coy about him being your boyfriend.âÂ
Your lips curl into a tight line.Â
You⌠certainly did not notice any of that. Did that really happen?
âI think Jungkookâs a good man, and your dad is fond of him â he asked me yesterday if youâre gonna bring him for Thanksgiving or Christmas, he misses his chess buddy, it seems. No pressure, though,â your mom chuckles. âBut Jungkookâs smart, kind, polite, works hard, really charmingââ you laugh again, despite yourself, because thatâs definitely true. He charmed your parents so quickly with ease. Itâs just really about his pleasant personality that attaches people to him. âBut most especially, he makes you really happy. I liked that Jaehyun guy and Eunwoo because they made you happy when you were together. Up until they didnât. I only like people who are good to you, sweetie. That was why I liked your ex-boyfriends for a while,â She begins caressing your head again and you feel like a little girl again, finding comfort in your momâs bedroom after a bad day at middle school. Your mom smiles softly before she continues, âBut those men hurt you. And they leave you. And you know who hasnât in the past eight years? The only one whoâs been consistent in making you happy?âÂ
Itâs Jungkook. Heâs always been under your nose while you cried over other men, and he was there to support you through it all. Heâs the one who makes you laugh at his stupid jokes. The one who sits with you in your feelings on days when you donât feel your best. Heâs the one who lets you cry on his shoulder when a surgery doesnât go well, the guy who would drop everything for you with one text or call, the guy who gifts you stupid, stupid random things because they reminded him of you. Heâs the guy who shares his playlists with you, comments silly stuff on your equally silly posts, and heâs the only one who has never, ever made you feel like youâre not enough. Heâs the only one who has never left and hurt you.Â
Itâs always been Jungkook.Â
Your mom doesnât need to say the name, though, just one look at you and she knows you're thinking the same thing.Â
Itâs during midday at the hospital when you see Jungkook again.
The elevator dinged and the doors finally opened on your floor, but you froze in your position when you saw who was inside the whole time.Â
It was Jungkook, sitting slightly on the handrails while crossing his arms. His posture straightened for a bit as he met your eyes, looking equally surprised as you. But then he recovered and relaxed in his position just as quickly.Â
You couldnât read the look on his face.
Taking a hold of yourself before the door automatically closes, you stepped a foot inside the lift and pressed on the button of your floor immediately. The 7th floor button is lightened up, so you assumed Jungkook was gonna get off earlier than you since you were going down on the sixth floor.Â
The confined space had never felt more suffocating. You could feel there was something in the air â a thick tension that was getting too hard to bear every second you felt the elevator moving down.Â
There was a lump that formed in your throat, especially when you caught a glimpse of the reader going floors down fast, and the 7th one was nearing.Â
Your heart beat erratically against your chest. You didnât even feel that nervous back in the OR twenty minutes ago.
But you figured it was the first time you felt close, after all.
It was funny, really â what you felt at that moment. Being physically close to Jungkook had never made you feel like that â like youâre on edge â youâve always just approached it as something natural, like you were meant to be that way. And those times, you never really thought about the contact ending.Â
But in that moment, it felt like he was slipping away â even though you were not even holding him in the first place.Â
It was probably why you let out your next words, craning your neck to the side to try and look behind you where you knew Jungkook was at.Â
âI miss you.âÂ
You barely said it. Felt like just a soft whisper as the words slipped past your lips, but there was a break around its edges â like it was the most vulnerable thing youâve ever said.Â
It was.Â
And you didnât exactly know why you did it.Â
Maybe you just wanted him to know. Maybe you just wanted him to understand that⌠that you were still there. And that you missed him. Every single day. Regardless of what happened.Â
There was a thick silence that hung in the air after that, and you shouldâve taken back your words right after they came out. Embarrassment shouldâve clouded you by then. But you couldnât bring yourself to do so.Â
That was as honest as you could get.Â
You didnât even expect a reply â assuming that maybe Jungkook hadnât heard it.Â
But you heard the soft tap of his steps on the floor and felt his overwhelming presence coming near you. And just like that, you knew he was behind you. Close. A hair's breadth away.Â
Then, you hear him let out a soft sigh, and you could feel his breath brush against your ear as he leaned down. You never realized how much you craved his affection until you felt him slightly nudging his cheek against the crown of your head.Â
It made you keen. Made you shut your eyes close. Basking in the moment, but you didnât ignore the pain that it caused.Â
Because somehow, despite what might seem like a sweet gesture â the whole thing felt like goodbye.
It was so intimate, though, that you almost forgot that you were currently on the 8th floor and he was dropping off on the next.Â
The elevator dinged like a wake-up call. And when you opened your eyes, Jungkook had already peeled his body away from you. Nibbling on your bottom lip, you fought the urge to cry as you saw him walking out.Â
Before the door closed, he took one look at you. His mouth opened, as if wanting to say something. You waited. But he closed his lips again, not bothering to look back for even one last time before the elevator doors closed in front of your face.Â
The interaction left a certain melancholy in your heart, and it made you run on auto-pilot when the elevator stopped on your floor.Â
You never expected for the encounter to happen â but it did, in its own way. And now you have to deal with the consequences of your impulsive actions.
Your mindless walking has led your feet to somewhere a bit secluded. Itâs far across the hall, and you recognize it as some old, empty ward. You and your friends have one on the 5th floor but you donât think youâve never really been here before and so you werenât sure.
But youâre desperate to let out a good cry. Maybe not exactly cry â but just be alone for awhile. The hospital and your schedule are busy enough as they are and itâs enough to keep your mind occupied since the morning â but that interaction with Jungkook at the elevator reminded you of the weight that youâve been carrying lately and you just⌠want to dissipate a little. Even if it means sacrificing your three-minute lunchtime.Â
You donât suspect anything as you twist the doorknob open â surprise to see itâs not locked like you thought it would be.Â
And the sight leaves your mouth hanging open.Â
âOh my god.âÂ
âWhat the fuck.âÂ
âShit!â You watch as Doyeon pushes off the man wearing a white lab gown on top of her â a very familiar figure that you can only recognize as none other than the attending surgeon Dr. Kim Namjoon.Â
A panicked, âIâm sorry!â leaves your mouth before you turn on your heel, ready to fly off the scene when you hear Doyeonâs voice calling you from behind.
âWait, __!âÂ
You hesitantly look back.
Itâs obvious what they were doing before you entered the room. Doyeonâs hair is unusually out of the ponytail she always shows up to work with, and Dr. Kim⌠Jesus. Heâs always been so intimidating to you â with his tall stature and his aura that reeks so much of authority, even though he doesnât even try, it feels so fucking weird to suddenly see him with his hair all mussed up when it always looks kempt every single time you see him along the hallways of the hospital. Right now, he looks coy, like heâs shrinking himself as he avoids looking at you.
âDr. __, I am so deeply sorry,â His apology sounds so remorseful that you feel bad for even having to barge in. You can see Dr. Kim fumbling with his coat as he looks at Doyeon like heâs looking for help. Doyeon looks at him, but she just⌠rolls her eyes.
âJoon, justââ She cuts herself off, shutting her eyes close. Seemingly agitated. Or embarrassed. You donât know why youâre still here. âYou should leave now, Iâll talk to __.â Doyeon lets her gaze fall back to you and your eyes widen at the declaration, not really knowing if she was serious or not.Â
You mean⌠what are you even going to talk about? Sure! Youâre shocked as fuck to see them together in that position but youâre not about to ask her about her sex life!
⌠Okay. So maybe you are a little bit (only a little) curious about that.
Dr. Kim has always been a mystery to all of you. Taehyung and Jungkook admire him so much, the latter lowkey idolizes him at this point. Nayeon has always spoken highly about him and youâre literally a fan of all his work in his field, especially his books. It doesnât help that heâs attractive as hell, too, and you all may have gossiped about him at one point in your lives â so sue you for being curious! Youâre just human.  Â
âYou sure?â Dr. Kim says, barely spoken, but you donât miss the gentle way he holds Doyeonâs shoulder as he asks that, the way his face contorts into a concerned expression when he looks down at her. One quick interaction and you instantly realize that oh⌠this is serious.Â
Theyâre not just having casual sex in this ward.
This is Doyeonâs boyfriend.
Your bestfriend nods at him and you step aside to give Dr. Kim some space to leave the room, still visibly stunned. You thought he was going to leave when he utters another apology again.Â
â__, Iâm really sorry about this behavior. Doyeon and IââÂ
Doyeon groans. âJoon, oh my god. Itâs fine.âÂ
You watch as Dr. Kimâs (who Doyeon apparently calls âJoonââ what the hell) lips fall into a thin line. âFine. Iâll go. Weâll talk about this later, alright?âÂ
âI know.âÂ
He gives you both one last glance before the door closes on you.
You swear you tried to look for cameras everywhere â like they do in The Office â to see if the whole thing was a prank. But no. Your lifeâs unfortunately not a sitcom.
âI told him to lock the door earlier,â Doyeon starts, sounding defeated as she falls back on one of the emergency beds. Sighing, she covers her face with her hands. âThis is so embarrassing.âÂ
At that, you canât help but react immediately.Â
âYouâre embarrassed about the fact that youâre fucking an insanely stupid hot, intelligent man?â Your brows knit.Â
Doyeon looks at you and you both stare at each other. She holds her own, like she usually does, but for the first time ever, she breaks and chuckles. The laughter turns hilarious, and you follow her into the bed.Â
âGod,â she utters. She licks her bottom lip and looks at you shyly. âI didnât mean for you to find out this way.âÂ
âI mean⌠what did you mean to do instead?âÂ
She hesitates. âIâm not sure.â
You frown. âSo, you just⌠you just werenât going to tell me? Us?â You didnât bother to hide the tone of disappointment in your words. Doyeon looks a little ashamed when you verbalized that.
âItâs not that. I just didnât know how,â She says. You knit your brows in confusion. âYou know Iâve always been⌠private about my dating life or whatever. I donât tell you guys Iâm dating until Iâm sure the guy and I are official. I⌠I donât even date a lot in the first place.âÂ
Well⌠that was true. You nod at her, giving her a reassuring smile. âYeah, I get that.â Doyeon smiles a little. âHow long?âÂ
Thereâs a pregnant pause before she says, âUh⌠since Feb?âÂ
âJesus.â She winces at your reaction. You stare at her with your jaw slack. âWhat the fuck, Doyeon? Nine months?â
âWell, technically, eight butââ you look at her dryly and Doyeon gives up on her attempt at being facetious. âOkay. Iâm sorry. It just happened.â You raise your brow at her. She sighs. âOkay, so we may have hooked up last year in December. You remember the Christmas party at the Ritz?âÂ
Your mouth just hangs wider, looking at her incredulously. Every drop of information she lets out just grows your surprise bigger, and you have nothing in substance to say except, âYou⌠whore.âÂ
Doyeon laughs so loud you worry it might have been heard from the outside, but you wince at the slap that follows on your shoulder as she giggles nonstop.Â
âShut the fuck up, oh my god.âÂ
âNoâ I justâ Oh my god, was that the reason why you bailed on our own Christmas party over at Nayeonâs?â She nods at your question with her lips pursed. You scoff, still not believing it but just overall amused in general. âYouâre really throwing me a curveball here, babe. Like â I have never ever heard you talking about Dr. Kim except when you said youâd totally fuck him in that one drinking session. And then, you actually fucking did.â
She rolls her eyes, scoffing. âHe started asking me out on dates in January and he asked me to be his girlfriend in Feb. I donât even know how it happened. It just did,â She shrugs, as if she just said that the skies are blue. âIâm pretty good at hiding, huh?âÂ
You donât hide the way you instantly frown.
âIâm happy for you, Doyeon, I really am. But⌠did you not feel like you could tell me? Or any of us?â
At least she looks apologetic, nibbling on her bottom lip before she says, âItâs not that, __. I didnât know how to tell you guys. Thereâs this â thereâs this thing when you date a co-worker, especially in the hospital. Heâs an attendant, and heâs about to be chief of surgery next two months, you know that right? And itâs justâ I know you will never think it, or the rest of our friends â but I just. I didnât want anyone to think that Iâm⌠that Iâm sleeping my way here, you know? Itâs fucking weird. And Ms. Yan from fuckass HR hates me for some reason. Iâd be public enemy number one around here, __.â
You wince hearing her explanation. Nodding, you rub her shoulder to offer some kind of comfort, noticing that sheâs actually silently fuming just by the mere thought of that. Meaning she must have been thinking about it for quite some time now.Â
âBut you know weâll never think of it like that, right?â You confirm with her, just to be sure. You love Doyeon â sheâs basically your sister at this point â and you donât ever want her to feel like she canât trust you.
âOf course. I donât⌠I canât really offer you any explanation other than I got scared and just wasnât ready. Joon wants to let people know⌠and I donât know. I guess Iâm thinking about that too nowadays.â She says, and sheâs not really looking at you anymore, seemingly deep in thought.
You begin rubbing her back. âItâs fine if youâre not ready yet.âÂ
âOh, this is getting kind of mushy. I hate it.â Doyeon says dryly. You push her slightly which sends her sideways a bit, earning a laugh from her.
âJoon, huh?â You decide to tease to lighten up the mood. Instead of backing down and getting shy like you expected, Doyeon raises her brow. âCan I be honest with you, though?â You say, fiddling with your fingers. She nods so you tread lightly to your next words. âThis will sound crazy, I know, but for the longest time I thought Jungkook was your secret boyfriend.â
âWhat the fuck?â Doyeon says, sharp and almost⌠disgusted. You donât expect such a reaction.Â
âOkay, you donât need to sound so disgusted. Jungkookâs a good-looking guy and heâs very decent.â You say, sounding weirdly defensive â even to your own ears.
âNoâ thatâs not what I meantââ Doyeon cuts herself off with a laugh. âThatâs actually really funny, though.â You look at her curiously. âSomehow, I thought about you thinking that. Especially after that time at the villa when you walked in on us talking by the pool deck.âÂ
âIâŚâ you try to come up with an excuse, something to deny her claim, but nothing comes, and your eyebrows knit in confusion because you actually donât know yourself why you felt that way back then. You still remember the weird feeling that flared up in your chest upon seeing them in such an intimate position â with Jungkookâs head on Doyeonâs stomach and her caressing his head. Maybe youâre more malicious than you let on, but can she really blame you for thinking there was more to that? Besides, Jungkookâs second closest in the group is probably her. It made sense to assume they were secretly together.Â
âGod, donât,â Doyeon says incredulously. âObviously, heâs not my secret boyfriend. I donât like him and he does not like me, at least not that way. That man only has heart eyes for you and Iâm only into Namjoon, thank you very much.âÂ
You wince. âSorry.â
âBut were you really jealous that time, though?â Doyeon asks, intrigued. âI mean, I thought about it. You were acting weird. But I kind of just shrugged it off.â
âI was not jealous, what the hell,â you quickly say. âI was just surprised. And youâre both really close, so I donât know.âÂ
Doyeon arches her brow. âYouâre also both close, so going by that logic, are you two together?â You frown at her. She laughs, knowing she proved her point. âAlright, enough about that. How have you been these days?â
You stare at her before sighing.
âIâve been wanting to say sorry.âÂ
âDamn straight,â she tells you immediately, like sheâs been looking forward to it. âLike, you bitchâ I thought you died. Not talking to me or to anybody for a week is crazy.â
âItâs not my proudest moment.âÂ
âWhy?âÂ
You subtly inhale a shaky breath. âI⌠to be honest? I thought you guys were mad at me.âÂ
âWhat?â You can hear the incredulous tone Doyeonâs taking on. And you slowly realize that you completely just conjured a whole ass narrative in your head the whole time.Â
âI know. I feel terrible about it. But I just⌠I couldnât help but think that I ruined⌠things.âÂ
âOhâŚâ Doyeon says, and she cranes her neck down to meet your gaze as youâre tucking your head down slightly. âWhy did you think that?âÂ
You open your mouth and close it, trying to find the right words.
âI⌠know I was completely being ambitious when I said I wanted to bring Mingyu along to the trip â and I realize I shouldnât have done that. Our relationship was still so fresh, and I was already bringing him along to what was supposed to be our vacation. And the fight happened and the whole thing just went to complete shit. We didnât even get to spend our five nights there because you guys had to book us a flight immediately and I just⌠I guess I just feel so bad about it. Had I not invited him⌠the trip wouldâve been way more different. Happier, that Iâm sure of.â
â__,â Doyeon calls your name firmly. âThat was not any of your fault. Sure, you shouldâve consulted with us â because Iâm not gonna lie, you threw us in for a surprise when you said that Mingyu was coming, but that fight was not your fault. At all. They physically fought each other on their own accord, even though they knew they were already too grown to be doing that shit. Donât feel guilty about what those men did.âÂ
You bite your lip. âStill. Theyâ uhm. They apparently fought because of me. Itâs stupid.âÂ
âExactly. But⌠Mingyu kind of deserved it. Sorry.â Doyeon comments.Â
You wince. âYou know?âÂ
âJungkook told us about it, yeah.â Doyeon says, as if hesitant to even mention his name in the conversation.Â
You sigh. Youâre not really surprised. âDid he⌠did he tell you guys⌠everything?âÂ
âHe did.â Doyeon confirms. âItâs not actually new news for us, __.âÂ
You look confuse when you meet her gaze. âHow do you mean?âÂ
She presses her lips into a thin line. âHeâs in love with you. Weâve known for a while,â You stare at her, mouth agape. Doyeon reluctantly adds, âSince med school.â
âOh.â You close your eyes for a moment. âEven Nayeon?âÂ
She nods. âYes.âÂ
Youâre silent for a while before you look away. Nodding, you whisper, âI see,â You sigh. âI donât even⌠Iâm not even surprised about that. Even my mother knows â I mean, Jungkook didnât tell her of course, but she said she knew he had feelings for me.â
âI think⌠everybody knows, __.â Your eyes fall to Doyeon. She gives you a gentle smile. âEverybody who sees the way Jungkook looks at you immediately knows right away. He doesnât have to tell someone he likes you for them to know that. Taehyung and I figured it out ourselves as well. And then Nayeon met you both and she did the same thing. Just had to fish out the confirmation from Jungkook himself.âÂ
âThatâsâŚâ you trail off, not really knowing what to say. âIâm really stupid for not noticing all this time, huh?â
âHmm⌠maybe. Sort of. But also, not really. I guess it mustâve been just different for you. Weâre just bystanders of your interactions â when Jungkook teases you like a fucker itâs easy to assume heâs flirting with you, but it mustâve been annoying as hell for you.â
You chuckle a bit. But itâs with fondness as you agree, âYeahâŚâ
âHe sucks ass at flirting.âÂ
âI agreeâŚâ you trail off. âI â well, you probably know, but I told him I donât believe him,â Doyeon hums, listening in. âI regret saying that. It really hurt him. But⌠who can blame me, Doyeon? I mean, am I not right for having doubts? Being confused? I mean, okay, yes, I was taken for the first four years we knew each other but I wasâ I was available two years ago and he didnâtâ he didn't do anything. Why didnât he do anything?â The words are coming off as a rant, youâre fully aware, but you let yourself go, anyway. âHe was dating all those women and I just⌠how am I supposed to believe him when I thought he showed me the opposite?âÂ
âYou mean how were you supposed to believe him when he sleeps around?â
You shut your eyes close. âI donâtâ I donât necessarily think he sleeps around, okay? Jungkookâs not a fuckboy or someone who sleeps with anyone with a pulse. Heâs too grown for that shit. But I⌠I just meant, that⌠he dated a lot all throughout the time we knew each other, so where was I in the equation? You know what I mean?â
Doyeon stares at you for a bit, then she nods, looking ahead. âI know what you mean.âÂ
âYeah?â
She nods. Then, âAre you worried heâs not sincere about his feelings? Because he dated a lot of people?â
âI-Iâm not sure about that.â But maybe, that thought bothers you a bit.
âWhen was the last time he was with somebody?â
You donât mean to sound defensive when you retort back with, âI wouldnât know that. Contrary to popular belief, Jungkook and I do not actually talk about everything, and that includes our sex lives, but I know when heâs⌠seeing somebody.âÂ
âHow?â Doyeon asks, looking at you. She wasnât trying to trick you into anything, just genuine curiosity written all over her face.
You shy away from her gaze. âFour months ago⌠Nayeonâs engagement party. He was checking that woman out.â
âOh⌠Kwon Jihyo?âÂ
Your brows furrow. âYou know her?âÂ
Doyeon nods. âYeah. Physio class back in freshman year. I talked to her at the party as well,â you grow more confused and Doyeon adds, âAlso, sheâs gay. Married with two kids.âÂ
âOh.âÂ
That earns a chuckle from Doyeon. Tapping your arm, she tells you, âYou donât have a gay radar, itâs fine.âÂ
âOh my godâŚâ you slap a hand on your forehead. âI teased him about sleeping with her after the partyâŚâÂ
Youâve always seen Jungkook as a regular ladies man in your head due to the fact that he gets women, quite very easily. Empirically, Jungkook goes on a lot of dates. But to be completely honest with yourself, you donât even know the extent of those said dates. Jungkook doesnât exactly oppose it when you lightheartedly tease him about being a playboy, but you do notice when that puts him off a bit.
Maybe you shouldâve pried â maybe he gets put off because itâs simply not true? But you donât think itâs not not true either, so⌠do you really think he sleeps around?
âLook,â Doyeon suddenly says which makes you look at her, snapping you out of your own messy thoughts. âIâm not trying to defend him or put in a good word for him or whatever. But I do know that you know him better than I do, so Iâm sure you donât actually think he isnât sincere about his feelings for you. If youâre worried about his dating history, talk to him about that â but if weâre going by technical definition here, I donât think Jungkook sleeps around, __. He doesnât have a new woman switched out for another every seven business days, does he? Or is that a wrong assumptionââ
âGod, no,â you roll your eyes at her. âAnd anyway, why are we talking about this? I donât care who he has sex with. He can do whatever he wants. Heâs a grown man.â
âYeah⌠but you just said itâs sort of the reason why youâre holding back.â
You feel blood rushing to your cheek because⌠that is true. You donât even know why. Because you stand for what you said that he can do whatever the hell he wants. Heâs young and heâs objectively attractive and he can have sex whenever he wantsâŚ
But somehow, that very thought â of Jungkook being with anybody that way, suddenly made a weird feeling flare up in your chest. Youâve never really paid it mind before, but right now that you now know what you knowâŚ
âIt just kind of hurts a bit, I guess.â You say, not looking at Doyeon. âI mean, itâs irrational, really. I donât expect him to be celibate for the eight years heâs claimed to love me, thatâs just insane. Iâve also had sex with other people throughout the time and it would be unfair of me to dwell on the fact that heâs been with other people in the past when I also have but⌠itâs just⌠you knowâŚâ you trail off, and you feel like youâre gonna burst with so much embarrassment from the thoughts running through your head.
âI know⌠what?â Doyeon says, trying to fill in the gaps.
âI guess I justâŚâ you swallow the lump in your throat. âI guessâŚ. I guess I just expected him to want only me.âÂ
âOh.â you look at Doyeon. âOh wow. ThatâsâŚâÂ
You huff. âItâs childish, I know. Itâs so stupid â I canât think that. Itâs unfair for him.â
Doyeon shakes her head. âNo, I mean, I get that. I get that completely,â She scoots closer to you. âYou have to know, though, that for the past eight years, Jungkook has tried many times to move on from you.â That words felt like a bucket of cold water. Heâs triedâŚ? Doyeon gives you a small smile when she notices the way your face fell. âIt was really tough for him when you and Eunwoo got serious, but he couldnât do anything about it. He tried seeing other people, in the hopes that they could make him feel what he does for you. He didnât do that in vain â like he did it maliciously in hopes that you would get jealous or whatever. He did that â he does that â because he also genuinely wants to be with someone who can reciprocate his feelings. Min Sora was really close⌠but I donât really know what happened to that. Iâve assumed since then that he must still probably love you. And he still apparently does, even to this day. Iâm not saying all of this in favor of him, okay? But do you not want to give him a chance because of that? He really loves you, __. He admires you a lot. You donât know how much heâs just in awe of you. He talks about you a lot when youâre not around, and heâd ditch just about anything to get to you with one call. Look⌠I donât know what you feel, and at the end of the day, you call the shots. But I think heâs worth it, __. Because I know him as well and everybody knows heâll treat you right. You just gotta give him the chance.â
You take in Doyeonâs words carefully.
âThatâs not really the only thing Iâm skeptical about,â you sigh. âHim having slept with other people is not the top of my concern, because we werenât in any relationship. Again, I couldnât have expected him to be celibate all this time. What Iâm really worried about is the fact that heâs soâ heâs so important to me, Doyeon. Iâve known him for eight years and heâs⌠heâs quite literally the best thing that ever happened to meââ you stop for awhile because you feel your voice breaking, just in time when the sides of your eyes sting with precedent tears. But you canât cry right now. Youâve done that a lot in the past few days. âAnd ifâ and if I do feel the same, and then we do this thing, what if it all goes wrong? I donât â I canât really bear the thought of him not present in my life. I have never considered that ever since Iâve known him. Iâm so lucky with my friendships but my romantic relationships all suck. Theyâre shit. And I donât want to have a shit romantic relationship with Jungkook, because that would mean Iâd lose him. And I donât want to lose him⌠do youâ do you get me, Doyeon? Iâm so scared. Because there's this part of me that wholeheartedly believes what he said, but thereâs a bigger part of me thatâs in denial because I canât stop thinking about things going wrong.âÂ
âHey,â Doyeon gently calls, and you donât realize that youâve been holding back a sob because the moment she scoots closer, arm circling your back, you bury your face in her chest and let out a quiet cry. She cradles your head, and you close your eyes at that. âWhat if things donât go wrong, though? What if it works out?âÂ
You sniffle. âBut things always go wrong for me and my boyfriends. I donât know what I did to deserve it, but they just never end well.âÂ
Doyeon lets out a heavy breath. âI completely understand that. Again, you know Jungkook better than I do. Better than anybody I know, really. You would know exactly what heâs capable of â and that includes the possibility of him hurting you, or the lack of it thereof. Itâs really your choice, __. Just⌠just talk to him, okay? Heâs been wanting to, but youâre not reaching out and he said he didnât want to suffocate you or anything like that.âÂ
You quickly perk up at that. âHe said that?â Doyeon nods. It makes your shoulders deflate. âBut⌠but we were in the elevator today and heâŚâ
âHe what?â
âHe⌠uhm⌠well I said something stupid,â you wince, wiping the stray tears from your cheeks. âI said I miss him, but he didnât â I donât know. He didnât say anything,â Nibbling on your bottom lip anxiously, you look at Doyeon reluctantly, gauging her reaction. âI think he actually hates me now.â
Doyeon is quiet for a moment before she speaks. âYou just⌠you really have no clue how much he loves you, huh? You can kill a close relative of his and heâll make excuses for you, I donât doubt that even for a second,â She says and for a moment youâre a bit offended because youâre getting kind of tired of people pointing out that Jungkook being into you is obvious like how the grasses are green, but Doyeon shakes her head, face in pure disbelief. And you just know she didnât mean it that way. She genuinely looks baffled. âYou really need to talk, __. This is⌠it really hurts seeing you both like this." Â
You tuck your head down. âIâm thinking about it.âÂ
âYeah?âÂ
âYeah. I think⌠Iâm going back to our place tonight. But Iâm not sure. Iâll probably chicken out last minute.âÂ
Doyeon pats your arm. âDo it, okay? Just be honest with yourself and to him. You both need that.âÂ
You give her a small, weak smile.
Youâre pretty much drained the moment you arrive at your place. Sighing heavily, you punch in the passcode and almost feel your knees buckling at the sight of the interior of your apartment.Â
It feels like itâs been so long since youâve been here, and coupled with the discussion that you had with Doyeon yesterday, everything suddenly feels overstimulating and thereâs an urge at the sides of your eyes to cry.Â
Swallowing the lump in your throat, you breathe in and out as you enter the threshold, noting the fact that nobody is at home. Or Jungkook isnât present anywhere in the living room. Youâre a bit grateful for that if you have to be honest to yourself â after all, the last time that you talked to him did not exactly go as well as youâd like.Â
He could be in his room, though. Thatâs what you assume as you go straight over to the kitchen in hopes to heat up the take-out that you bought at the driveway. As you leave your phone on the counter, you notice the to-go container from Chipotle on the same surface, as well as the laptop that is left open beside it.Â
So Jungkook is home.Â
The question is, where could he possibly be, leaving out his stuff here in the kitchen? Might be in his bedroom to grab something real quick?Â
You donât mean to do the next thing that comes to your mind, but your feet â your stupid feet â track back from the microwave to the island, and your eyes betray you as they go look and read the words on the screen of Jungkookâs macbook.Â
The tab that shows is an apartment listing website, and besides are more tabs that show some familiar real-estate names youâve come to on the internet before when you were looking for a place.Â
It makes you freeze in your spot, eyes glued to the daunting images of the apartment layout that Jungkook mustâve clicked on awhile ago, and you take note that heâs seemingly, specifically, looking for one-apartment bedrooms and studio apartments.Â
Your mind goes into a sudden haywire at the sight.Â
What does this mean?Â
âOh, hey,â
The embodied voice makes your head snap to its direction, and you see Jungkook standing in front of you in his sweats and shirt â his usual home clothes â with a charger in his hand.Â
âJungkook.â You say, or more like, breathe out. Your heart feels like itâs somersaulting for some reason at the sight of him.Â
But Jungkook looks just as surprised as you.Â
âI⌠I didnât know youâre coming hoâ back.â He says, and thereâs a twinge in your heart that you ignore when you caught him pointedly avoiding the word home when pertaining to your place. Somehow, that felt intentional.
But you give him a smile. Probably a weak one. Probably doesnât really look like a smile at all and more like a grimace. If Jungkook notices, he doesnât say anything. Just goes straight to the direction of the highchairs on the island and plug in his charger for his laptop.Â
Then, he turns to look at you. âUh... you just got off from your shift?âÂ
âYeah. You too?â You say, nibbling your bottom lip with your teeth. A nervous habit.Â
âNah, got off a few hours ago.âÂ
âOh. Okay.âÂ
âYeah.âÂ
You nod your head. You stand there for a while, letting the silence thatâs admittedly awkward hang in the air.Â
Itâs weird, really. Jungkook and you usually have a lot to say to each other â but right now, there doesnât seem to be a single thing you can say to one another.Â
It breaks your heart thatâs the current case.Â
âWell, uhm. Thatâs Zillow.â You say, pointing to his laptop. The moment the words left your lips you swear you could have slapped yourself.Â
How stupid to ask him about it. How incredibly stupid for that thing to be your choice of topic after weeks of no proper communication with him.Â
Jungkook seems surprised at this, though, turning his head immediately to look at his own laptop. Thereâs a certain jerk in his movements when he moves his fingers to the trackpad that closes the entire window of the internet and shows his wallpaper instead.Â
âOh. Yeah. That was⌠Zillow.âÂ
Stupid, stupid you makes everything even more awkward when you say, âYouâre looking for a place?âÂ
Jungkook stares at you for awhile. Thereâs a pregnant pause, and then he nods his head. A bit hesitant. But his voice is full when he speaks.Â
âYeah.âÂ
So, heâs moving out. Thatâs what you think as you avoid looking at his face and let your gaze fall back to his laptop.Â
You give him a small smile.Â
âAh. Good luck with the search, then.â
Your heart completely breaks when you say the words.
Suddenly, the words of your supposed confession get stuck and they die in your throat. You let yourself believe that coming home tonight would fix everything; you just had to go inside, talk to Jungkook, tell him you were sorry about what you said â and the rest would just do its thing and you'll be back to okay.
But he's moving out, and every bit of hope in you shuts down.
Jungkook doesnât say anything for a while, and youâre just about to turn on your heels to go to your room but then he utters lowly, almost like a whisper.Â
âItâs not final.âÂ
âHm?â You hum, not sure if you caught that.Â
Rubbing the back of his neck, Jungkook looks away as he says again, âI mean, Iâm just looking. I was gonna talk to you before I finalize my plans.â
âTalk to me? Why?â
âSince weâre on a joint lease and all that.âÂ
âOh.â You nod to yourself, dumbfounded. It's embarrassing the way you lit up with expectation when he said it wasn't final, for it to completely die anyway when he said that. You feel like you're not wanted. âYeah. Right.âÂ
âI assume youâre tired from your shift, though, so maybe we can go over it tomorrow? Or any day you like, really.â Jungkook shrugs.Â
âNo, tonightâs fine,â You wave your hand, walking towards his direction and seating yourself on the chair beside him. You try to focus all your attention on the screen in front of you instead of Jungkookâs overwhelming presence. Youâve always thought he was big but tonight, he feels even bigger and youâre intimidated. âAre you writing a notice to the landlord?â
âYeah â I mean, after we talk about the move, that is.âÂ
âWow.â You canât help but let out. âYou really thought about all this while I was away?âÂ
You regret the words just as instantly as they leave your mouth.Â
Looking at Jungkook hesitantly, you watch as his face falls, mouth opening and closing, as if at a loss for words.Â
You take them back before he says something. âSorry â I didnât mean for it to come out that way.â Sharp and edgy, clipped and⌠angry. Sort of accusatory. Like youâre pinning something bad on him.
âItâs fine.â Jungkook says after awhile, returning back his gaze on the laptop.Â
His withdrawal makes you deflate. He seems so uninterested. Is he done with you? Just like that?
âYou know what,â You utter after a pregnant pause, standing up from the chair and getting back on your feet. âI actually have a headache. I think we should go over this tomorrow.â
Jungkook looks confused but he nods, anyway. âI just⌠stocked up on Advil yesterday. So, if you need it⌠itâs just in the kit.âÂ
âSure. Thanks,â You give him a small smile. âIâll, just go, uh, shower for a bit.â You point to the bathroom across from you.Â
Before you go, Jungkook calls your name.
â__.â
You turn around to look at him. âYes?â
âAre youâŚâ He trails off. You wish heâd look at you like he usually does. âAre you back for good?â
You donât expect that question at all. But you collect yourself on time to respond. âYeah. I guess I am.â
Jungkookâs expression is something unreadable, so you throw him an awkward smile. Youâre not sure if he returned it, because everything is becoming too much, and you canât help but overthink every single thing he does. So, before you can dwell on that, you go straight to the bathroom to do your business.Â
You shower quickly â you canât focus when you know that Jungkook is just outside, and he can probably hear the water running. Youâve never really paid thoughts to these stuff except the first few weeks of moving in with him, but right now, thereâs a certain awkward tension in the air and itâs slowly suffocating you. You needed to get out of the shower box quick.
And so you did, but you donât expect the series of knocks on the door, with Jungkookâs voice behind it.Â
â__?âÂ
âY-yeah?â You stammer, wrapping your towel around you (that Jungkook thankfully hasnât thrown out yet) with haste and getting to the door immediately to answer him.Â
When you open it, Jungkook visibly freezes for a bit. And you realize youâre in nothing but a piece of cotton; bare underneath, droplets of water running through your body from the tips of your uncovered, wet hair.Â
You consciously tighten the towel around your body, making sure to act unbothered when you say, âWhat?âÂ
Jungkook seems to snap out of the moment just as you did. When you follow the hand that he lifts, you see your phone in it. Weirdly enough, you had time to notice the way the device fits so small in his hand when you can barely wrap your phone around your fingers yourself.
What the actual fuck are you talking about, you tell yourself at the back of your head. What the fuck what the fuck what the fuckâ
âYou left this on the counter. Mingyuâs been calling you.âÂ
Itâs like youâve been suddenly hit by a truck upon hearing the name.
âOh. Okay. Sorry about that.â You take your phone when he offers it to you. You donât know why but you avoid Jungkookâs eyes as you step out of the bathroom and press the decline button, causing the ringtone to stop abruptly.Â
You donât look back at him as you enter your bedroom, locking the door and throwing your phone on the mattress and going straight to your closet.
Nothing much has changed since the last seven or so days. What would change, anyway? Itâs not like Jungkook has some sort of business in here.Â
When you finished dressing yourself up with your usual pajamas, a worn-out tee and a pair of short shorts, you go over right to your bed, picking up your phone.Â
The notification bar says that you have six missed calls from Mingyu and two texts. An upgrade from his three to four times in the previous days.Â
See, itâs not only Jungkook or Doyeon or Nayeon or Taehyung whom youâve been avoiding. Itâs also Mingyu. The last time that you two talked was when you said goodbye to each other when he was catching his flight from the resort. Youâve completely shut everybody out after that thing happened, and again, itâs not your proudest moment. Youâre only non-confrontational to a certain degree, but you usually handle your problems like a grown woman.Â
You just really donât know how to handle this one.Â
But Mingyuâs been calling, and you havenât answered or replied to any of his messages ever since.Â
Itâs just⌠everytime you think about him⌠it hurts.
It hurts to think of somebody youâve given your trust to, only for them to step on it without any remorse. It hurts that you once thought he was going to be the one, only for him to end up as someone youâre starting to⌠hate. It hurts extremely that just eight days ago, you held this high level of adoration for him, but now you donât feel anything at all but simmering anger.Â
Sighing, you click on his message instead of sliding it out, gearing yourself for what youâre about to read.
gyuđ˝ [10:15pm]: Dinner at my place tonight? gyuđ˝ [10:32pm]: Can you pick up my calls?
You scrolled through the other ones he sent in the past week, and you find out that theyâre simply just a variation of âdo you want to have dinner together tonightâ, âwhy arenât you picking up?â and shockingly⌠a couple texts of âi miss youâ.Â
Youâve only been bullshitting when you told Jungkook that you had a headache, but right now that excuse might be true because you can feel a tick in your head, a certain bang on the front, and you just want all of this to end.Â
Letting out a controlled breath, you swallow the lump in your throat as you type a reply. Finally.
You [10:50pm]: Can we talk tomorrow?Â
To your surprise, Mingyu responds quickly.
gyuđ˝ [10:51pm]: of course. dinner?
You [10:52pm]: yeah. i get off at around 8 tomorrow.
gyuđ˝ [10:52pm]: I have some paperworks to attend to but 8 is fine by me. gyuđ˝ [10:53pm]: Can we go to a restaurant? gyuđ˝ [10:53pm]: I havenât cleaned my place so I thought we could go outside
You [10:54pm]: Itâs alright. Also, no need to pick me up. Iâll uber.Â
gyuđ˝ [10:55pm]: You sure?
You [10:56pm]: Yeah.
gyuđ˝ [10:56pm]: Alright then.
You donât get a lot of sleep that night.
âHey, sorry Iâm a bit late. The partners had a meeting over at the firm,â Mingyu says, loosening his tie a little, breathing a bit sharp as he takes the seat across from you.Â
You nod, giving him a small smile. Taking a sip from your water, you watch as Mingyu fixes his tie again, some sort of attempt to look kempt, like he hasnât just run here. He was in a rush, and you feel bad that he had to go over here quickly when the partners meeting was probably something important. He couldâve canceled and you wouldnât have mind.Â
âSo. Hi,â Mingyu greets you as if heâs making up for his rash entrance earlier. He gives you a smile, the one thatâs his usual charming smile â you remember fawning over it the first time you met him. âHow have you been?â
âFine. Iâve been doing well.â you answer. In your lap, your fingers fiddle with each other.
Youâve thought about how you are going to go over this, but obviously the scenarios that played in your head yesterday and before you went here were so much more different than now. You werenât an anxious mess in your imagination.
Mingyu nods. âThatâs good to hear. Been doing fine as well.â He says casually.Â
That makes something flare up in your chest.
Fine? Heâs been doing fine?Â
Before you can say something, a waiter comes up to your table to give you the menu, and that effectively keeps you from saying the words you were probably going to regret as soon as they come out of your mouth.Â
You both tell your respective orders to the waiter before he walks away, leaving you two nodding and smiling ahead. When heâs gone, youâre left alone with Mingyu again.Â
You look at him â and his usual suits and tie ensemble would usually make you gush internally about how good he looks, how you can still see the way heâs built under the pristine fabric of his clothes, and how attractive he is the way he carries himself.Â
âIâm glad you called me tonight, sweetheart.â
And you donât expect the way the hairs on your body tingle with⌠ick.Â
âSure.â You say, drinking from your glass of water again.
Just get over it, your mind convinces you. But how are you going to approach it?
Moments pass and then suddenly, Mingyu lets out a heavy breath. You peer up at him, raising a brow.Â
âAlright, Iâm not gonna skirt around this anymore, __,â He says, and his eyebrows are knitted in what seems like confusion when he meets your gaze. âWhatâs going on with you? Youâve been avoiding me.â
The confrontation somehow eases you even though it shouldnât.
Licking your bottom lip â an anxious habit that you try hard to forgo â you compose yourself before you say, âI have. Yes, youâre right.â
âWhy?â Mingyu asks with genuine curiosity.Â
Somehow, this bothers you. Does he really not know or heâs just pretending not to know? Whichever it is, it does not really make you feel any better about him. If heâs pretending not to know, then heâs an even bigger asshole than youâre letting him on, but if he does not know, then thatâs just even worse. Imagine doing all of those things and not being aware that you did something wrong enough to upset people?Â
âI have to be completely honest with you, Mingyu. I want to break up.âÂ
The words come out easily as opposed to what you expected.Â
Somehow, itâs strange, really. Youâve never dumped anybody before. Of course, you donât count those casual dates youâve had in the past two years because they were never that serious. But usually, in your long relationships, the other guy does the dumping and never you.Â
So, right now, as you sit across from Mingyu, finally declaring what youâve been thinking over the past week, you feel a sense of liberation. A clichĂŠ, really. Thereâs a feeling of discomfort gnawing at some parts of you, but you choose to ignore it, bravely meeting his gaze instead.Â
âWhat?â
âI want to break up with you.â You reiterate, this time fuller so he knows your decision is final.
His mouth opens and closes, and thereâs a pregnant pause that hangs in the air before he finds his tongue. âBut why?âÂ
âAre you serious?â You canât help but snap. âDo you really not know?âÂ
âNo. Fill me in, because Iâm confused.â Mingyu doubles down, and it fires you up a little bit.Â
âMingyu, Jungkook told me everything,â You say, and you notice the way his expression changes into something more⌠unreadable the moment you dropped Jungkookâs name. âAnd I mean everything. What you did with his girlfriend back in college, and what you said about me to goad him into a fight. I mean, what were you thinking, Mingyu? All of that was just⌠low. Even for you. I canât believe youâd do any of that.â You catch your breath after you say the words, not realizing how heavy it would feel to let them out. Youâve never been confrontational, would prefer if the other person did all the talking, and to do this right now is taking so much from you.
âHe told you everything?â Mingyu asks again. You watch as he relaxes his posture, and you grow confused when his lips curl into a smirk. âI knew he would do that. Come crying to you with his lovesick head. Did he finally grow some to tell you he loves you, then?âÂ
You recoil, not expecting that. âThatâs none of your business.â
âIt is my business. Youâre my girlfriend.â
âIâm not anymore.â
Mingyu inhales a sharp breath. âSo, youâre choosing him?âÂ
âIâIâ what?â you blurt out, surprised at his audacity. âIâm not choosing anybody. And itâs really bold of you to assume that youâre still one of my options after all that.âÂ
Scoffing, Mingyu drinks from his water. He looks at you with a blank stare as he says, âWell, be honest with me now. Do you love him?âÂ
âDo I love him?â You chuckle, not the least bit of humor in it. âYou donât really deserve my honesty, Mingyu. You had all of those four months to be honest with me and you didnât do shit. Donât ask me any personal questions and expect me to give you an honest answer. Because I wonât give you any of it.âÂ
âYou said a lot of things but I know you love him just as much as he loves you.â
âWhat are you talking about?â
This time, Mingyuâs tone borders on sharp when he leans down to get to you closer so you can hear him clearly. âYou think it was easy for me to be in a relationship with you when all you could talk and think about was Jungkook? Jungkook who was only supposedly your bestfriend?â Itâs said with so much wrath that you canât help but physically recoil at his words. When you donât say anything, Mingyu continues, âJungkook told me this movieâs good, Jungkook said their aglio e olio tastes great, Jungkook and I were just talking about this â I could go on how many times youâve always managed to insert him in anything even when weâre together, but I did not want to be that kind of boyfriend who got jealous over their girlâs friends, and I was that for you â and you think Iâm the bad guy here?â
You blink, mouth opening and closing. You fish for some words, something to defend yourself with. Have you really said all that? Did you really do that? Did you really talk about Jungkook enough times that Mingyu took notice of it?Â
Youâve always thought that your friendship with Jungkook is platonic. Youâve convinced yourself of that and Jungkook seemed to think the same â at least thatâs what you thought prior to his confession â and you like to think that your friendship works, even though the majority of people donât agree that opposite genders can be purely friends.
But⌠did you think wrong? Did you really just convince yourself it was platonic when all along⌠it was not?Â
You donât exactly recall the moments that you talked about him while you were with Mingyu. Itâs hard to when talking about Jungkook just comes like second nature. You donât count the times you see the grass being green â because they are and will always be green.Â
And thatâs what Jungkook is to you. Heâs been such a constant presence in your life that you canât help but bring him up in any case because⌠because it just feels right to do so.
Now you think about your relationship with Eunwoo. How he never really liked Jungkook. Did he think the same as Mingyu? Did you also talk about your best friend too much in his presence? Did he count the times you mentioned Jungkookâs name in your conversations? Do you really talk so much about him?
âSee?â Mingyu says after a while and it snaps you out of your stupor. âDonât tell me Iâm a liar when youâve also been lying to me this whole time.âÂ
âHow dare you?â You snap at him. You can take him pointing out about the thing with Jungkook, but never this. âI didnât hide anything from you. I was not the one with the history of cheating with their friendâs girlfriend and I didnât talk behind your back like youâre merely just a piece of meat.âÂ
Mingyu visibly stills and you bite your lip after saying the words. You didnât mean for it to come out that way. Didnât really mean to say that in the first place. But itâs done and you canât cry over spilled milk.Â
Doesnât negate the fact that you feel like shit, though.
âYou think I didnât regret what I did?â Mingyu says, a little quiet this time. If you werenât at the quieter part of the restaurant, in a booth where the sound of the classical music and peopleâs chatters are muffled, you wonât hear him at all. âJungkook and I were close, __. We really were. And I fucked up and ruined his trust. But you also donât know how and why that happened. Jiyeon was already cheating on him before she hit on meââÂ
âOh, so is that the part where you volunteered to be one of her âvictimsâ, too?â You say sarcastically, cutting him off, incredulous about the fact that heâs really trying to make excuses for himself right now.Â
âWe were fucking drunkâ and high, okay? We didnât know what we were doing.â Mingyu says through his teeth, and itâs the first time you see him lose control. Heâs always so kempt and so composed, itâs baffling youâre seeing him in this state.
But you refuse to believe his bullshit.Â
âYou know what, I don't know why youâre saying this to me. You should be saying this to Jungkook and frankly, I simply donât care. What happened back then is between you â donât include me into any of your arguments ever again,â You say exasperatedly. âMy issue is that â and why Iâm breaking up with you in the first place â is that you lied to me, Mingyu. You lied to me about so much. And If I were to go through this relationship with you longer, I don't know what else youâre going to lie to me about, and I donât want that. Letâs not waste each otherâs time and end it right here, right now.âÂ
Mingyu leans back on his seat. âI canât change your mind even if I apologize to you about that, huh?â
You shake your head.
He nods.Â
âAlright.âÂ
You look at him again.
Kim Mingyu has sharp features that usually make him look broody from an outsider perspective, but youâve seen the way he smiles and how gentle he looks when he does. Right now, though, he looks⌠genuinely sad.Â
He lied to you, yes, but somehow, thereâs still some part of you that wants to know if he felt the least bit genuine about you. That it wasnât all just a ploy to get to Jungkook.Â
âDid you really like me? Even for a moment?â You break the silence, voice breaking slightly at the end.Â
Mingyu looks up at you and you donât expect the way his lips curl up into a small smile. âYes, __. I did. I liked you the first time we met and believe it or not, I still have feelings for you right now.â
You look away to avoid his intense gaze.Â
Itâs weird. Itâs so weird. Because even though you know in your heart that heâs not and will never be good for you and that heâs not a loss, your heart still aches at the declaration.Â
âI donât really know if I believe that.â You say, almost like a whisper.Â
âIâm sorry, then.â Mingyu says, and it sounds so sincere that you start to feel some sort of stinging in both sides of your eyes.
In what seemed like forever, the waiter arrives with your orders, and you both look up and offer him a hand in placing them on your table, bidding him thanks as he once again walks away.Â
You and Mingyu both look at your food.Â
âI think Iâm going first. I have a trial tomorrow, so I need to take care of that.â He says suddenly.Â
Nibbling your bottom lip, you watch as he begins to fix his shirt, ready to stand up.Â
âOkay.âÂ
â__?â You look up at him when he calls your name. He seems to hesitate for a bit, but he says, âCan you⌠can you tell Jungkook Iâm sorry?âÂ
Staring at his face, you try to look for a hint of sarcasm. Or anything indicative of malice. But all you see is sincerity.Â
At that, you shake your head. âNo.â Mingyuâs face falls. âTalk to him yourself if you really are sorry. Iâm not your mailman, Mingyu.âÂ
He sighs. âAlright. I guess youâre right,â And then, âAnd Iâm saying sorry, to you too, you didnât deserve that. I was angry, and thatâs not an excuse. So, Iâm sorry. Will youâŚâ he clears his throat. âWill you ever forgive me?â
You shrug. âI donât know. Probably.âÂ
Mingyu gives you a timid smile. âOkay.âÂ
When he takes out his wallet and a black card from there, you instantly stop him from calling over the waiter.Â
âNo, itâs fine, Iâll take care of it. Iâm the one who invited you here.â You say, talking him out of paying.Â
He shakes his head, insisting, âItâs okay.â
âSeriously, I can handle it.âÂ
Mingyu lets out a chuckle which makes you smile a bit before you scold yourself.Â
âI know. But can you let me? This is⌠this is probably the last time weâll see each other.âÂ
At that, you relax back in your seat, staring at him. He stares right back at you.Â
With a slow nod, you let him call over the waiter.
He departs with a small goodbye that you return with a timid wave.Â
When you go home that night, you cried yourself to sleep, thankful that Jungkook hasnât come home from his shift yet.
Things are⌠fine.Â
Unlike your previous break-ups that left you in agony for the following days after it happened, the one with Mingyu did not really leave a huge emotional impact. It makes you wonder if youâve overestimated your feelings for him⌠makes you question yourself if you really thought he was the one when things were fine, and you both dated happily.Â
You donât bother yourself looking for answers, because the relationship is done and thereâs no point in going over the details when itâs you yourself who ended the ties.Â
While that is not the sole reason of your melancholic feeling these days, it lies on another person; your roommate, Jungkook â your best friend of eight years whoâs apparently been in love with you the whole time.Â
Itâs only been a few weeks ever since you talked about him moving out. He said it was about time for him to leave the place â heâs been here longer than you, after all. He wrote and sent the notice to his landlord, and itâs been about two weeks since then, so you assume heâs already got his approval.Â
While things may look normal and right from an outsiderâs perspective⌠things arenât exactly the way they were before.
Jungkook and you are close. You share almost everything together. Your friendship has been honed throughout the many years and obstacles youâve faced together and so itâs only natural for you two to be as close.
But nowadays⌠you can feel that closeness slipping away. It flares up something inside you; like that feeling of grief when you remember that friend in highschool who you stopped talking to after graduation. You donât know exactly what the reason is for the abrupt end of communication, but the finish line is there and youâve both reached it without the other knowing â and youâre left fending for yourselves, looking ahead at your own worlds and letting your lives flow to the stream of the river.Â
Itâs strange, really; how everything feels somewhat normal but also really under that condition.Â
Jungkook and you would text each other nonstop â he could be in his own room, and heâd still text you about random shit that ends up with him going to your room anyway just to annoy you for a bit before you kick him out and you both go to sleep. Heâd ask to borrow something â anything, ask your food preference for the night, and heâd always ask you when your shift ends so you can go together if your schedules align. Meanwhile, you ask him to join you in the living room for spontaneous movie nights, ask him to give you a massage, and youâd both talk about your days, catching up on the hours you werenât together.
And now thereâs none of that.Â
Now, you both greet each other when the other one gets home almost like a chore. Like how your roommate from college used to welcome you when you arrived at the dorm from classes. When either you or he is in the living room or something, youâd both tell each other that âDinnerâs in the fridge, you can microwave itâ, instead of âWhat do you think we should have for dinner?â. Jungkook asks if you need a ride to the hospital because he knows you donât have a car anymore, but you refuse because itâs obvious itâs just for formality.Â
You donât know if itâs just the overthinker in you, but it feels like Jungkookâs pulling back and he has no intention of making things right â or talk about what happened.Â
Heâs so⌠heâs so civil.
And you miss him so much it makes you sad.
It makes you confused. Sort of mad. He makes you feel a lot of things â but you hate that youâve just been compartmentalizing and not doing any processing at all.Â
You spent the past few weeks pointing out to yourself the differences that your relationship is going through. You spend some nights beating yourself up whether to go barge in his room and confront him with everything â but you do none of that.Â
Instead, you pretend everythingâs okay. At the hospital, youâve no longer avoided him and said hi which he returns with a smile. Nayeon, Taehyung, and Doyeon, thought at first that everythingâs back to normal, but you know theyâre slowly realizing that it has not.Â
Tonight, though, at Nayeonâs reception party after her wedding, you try hard to ignore all those angsts and choose to enjoy yourself instead. Itâs Nayeonâs big day. The last thing you wanted to be was a bum.
Everybody is socializing with each other, and since youâve had your fair share of conversations with other people at this point, you choose to sit out on the dance.
Suddenly, Billy Joelâs Uptown Girl is playing and the majority coos and exclaims in excitement as they hurry to the dancefloor, some taking their partners along with them.
âLook, theyâre playing your favorite song.âÂ
Your head snaps to the side in reflex to see who it was, only to see Jungkook. Words get caught in your tongue for a moment, a bit surprised to see him. You mean â sure, heâs been here for a while. It is Nayeonâs wedding, after all, but weirdly enough, you two havenât shared a conversation yet throughout the day.Â
Until now, anyway.
Recovering from your initial surprise, you scoot over to the side, giving him space to maybe⌠sit beside you?Â
âThatâs not my favorite song.â You scoff, sipping on your champagne right after, looking right ahead as you feel Jungkook situating himself on the chair beside you.
âOh⌠has it changed now?â Jungkook says, and thereâs a lilt of teasing tone to it that you look at him in wonder.Â
Meeting his gaze, you find heâs just smiling at you. Heâs in an off-white tux, a lily pinned on his chest pocket. Heâs done his hair in that usual way he cleans up for formal events like this, gelled and parted slightly off center to show off his forehead. Itâs slightly longer than youâve last noticed it looked, and you think he hasnât been trimming itâŚÂ
Nonetheless, he looks simply put⌠dashing.Â
âI change my favorite song every five to seven business days,â you say coolly. âAnyway, why arenât you there?â you point to where the flock of people is having a ball to Billy Joel.
Truthfully, you kind of wish you were there as well. Youâve always danced to that song in your room or in the shower.
âIâm right where I want to be,â Jungkook shrugs. âWhy arenât you there?âÂ
You lie, âIâm right where I want to be as well.âÂ
He hums. âYou donât want to show them your moves?âÂ
You look at him in disbelief, gawking at him. âAre you teasing me?âÂ
Jungkook widens his eyes, but you know he knows what youâre talking about, and it sounds like heâs trying to keep from laughing when he says, âNo. I just happen to know youâre a great dancer.âÂ
With that, you feel yourself getting carried away by how easily your conversation goes. It makes you think about the old times â where talking to him always made your day because he's funny and he makes you laugh and you make him laugh.
âFuck off. You know very well I have two left feet.â You chuckle, shaking your head at him.
âWasnât the case when you were dancing inside a boiler room during med school at that rave party we went to, but okay.â Â
You canât help but laugh louder, and with that, you jab a lighthearted slap to his bicep without thinking too much of it.Â
âI told you that never happened.âÂ
âOhâŚâ Jungkook puts down his champagne and cocks his head to the side. âWhat happened?âÂ
You giggle. Yes, giggle. Like a schoolgirl. And you watch as Jungkook joins in your laughter, taking the glass close to his face to sip from it.Â
Then: âYou wanna dance?â Jungkook suddenly says, but heâs looking at the dancefloor.Â
âHm. Dunno. Uptown Girl isnât exactly rave music.âÂ
That earns you a chuckle from Jungkook. âBut itâs fun music, right?âÂ
Soon after, he stands up from his seat. You look at him questioningly, but he mirrors it back with an expectant gaze and a raised brow. Seeing you getting apprehensive, he offers his hand and thatâs when you roll your eyes, taking his hand as you pretend to stand up against your will and follow him to the crowd.
You chuckle as Jungkook suddenly sways his hips to the upbeat of the song, moving his arms around playfully. Youâd like to think heâs doing that intentionally â to make you laugh? Loosen up? Whatever the idea behind it, itâs effective, because you canât stop laughing as you watch him.Â
âCome on, we do this all the time!â Jungkook says over the loud music and peopleâs candid chattering.
And heâs not wrong because you do have mini parties in the living room of your apartment, pretending like the city before the glass wall across the area is your audience.Â
But you two are usually drunk during those moments, and right now, with only one glass of champagne, youâre not near being tipsy.Â
âThis is so silly!â You exclaim, but you find yourself matching Jungkookâs spontaneous choreography, and it earns you a laugh from him as well.Â
âAnd when sheâs walking, sheâs looking so fi-i-ne,â Jungkook sings along, gesturing to you. You cover your face because you canât stop laughing at how he looks â how you two must look â but youâre almost sure nobodyâs paying attention because everybody is just having fun on their own. He has a good voice, though â even though heâs trying to act goofy with it. Jungkook doesnât like when people point it out, or more like, gets shy when you bring it up.Â
Suddenly, he steps closer to you and reaches for your hand. Looking at him with confusion, still with that wide grin on your face, he gives you a playful smile before he guides your arm upwards. You utter a sound of a delighted snort, understanding where heâs getting at. With Jungkook guiding you, you do a mildly successful turn that makes you both laugh because as you were just getting back in your original position, you almost trip. Good thing that Jungkookâs there to catch you by the waist, the contact only lasting for a brief second before he lets go to dance on his own again.Â
âI wish I was an uptown girl!â You yell over the music.
âYouâre kinda an uptown girl if you think about it.â Jungkook responds, nodding his head as if he believes that.Â
You chuckle, shaking your head at him. âNo.âÂ
âYes, you are. Youâre sophisticated and elegant.â
âWell, thisââ you point between your bodies, ââ is not very sophisticated and elegant of me.âÂ
âTouchĂŠ.â Jungkook laughs.
âBut will you be my downtown man?â You say, not really thinking too much about it but then you suddenly realize what you just said and youâre about to add something to it â like putting a disclaimer that it was just a joke.Â
But then Jungkook leans closer, ducks down to level with your ear. âI can be if you want me to.âÂ
The song ends and you barely had time to process what just happened before the soft piano progression of Carole Kingâs Will You Love Me Tomorrow begins to play.Â
You hear the collective âAwwâs from the audience and you watch as everybody suddenly pairs up with someone else. As the first lyric of the song is sung, you can feel the upbeat energy from earlier dropping to a calmer atmosphere. Romantic, youâd say it is.
When you look at Jungkook again, he has a small smile on his face. Itâs as gentle as the piano behind the song.Â
âCan I?â He says.Â
You nibble on your bottom lip. âYou want to?â
Jungkook only nods, still smiling.
âOnly if you want to as well.âÂ
You look around again. Itâs not hard to spot Taehyung from afar on the dancefloor as well, with a gorgeous Hyerin in his arms. He doesnât seem to notice you looking, though, but you watch the way he ducks down to whisper something in her ear, prompting a laugh from her.Â
Putting your gaze back to Jungkook, you blink as you say, âItâs⌠okay, I guess.âÂ
âOkay?â Jungkook clarifies. You nod your head and he smiles that dashing smile again before he steps closer to you.
Slowly, he puts a hand around your waist. And you know he did it awhile ago, but the contact ended so briefly that you didnât really have the chance to⌠somehow⌠savor it, maybe? But right now, as you fumble with your own hand, deciding whether or not you should put a hand on his waist as well, the proximity makes your breath hitch.Â
Your heart beats abnormally fast against your ribcage, and usually, itâs not hard to stare Jungkook in the face â but you find it a difficult task to do nowadays.Â
Jungkook, unsuspecting of your inner dilemma, only seems to notice your confusion with your hand placement, chuckling as he guides your wrist to his shoulder. He raises his other arm with yours and interlocks your fingers with his mid-air.
âThere,â Jungkook says once youâre in the right position. âNow we look like professional dancers.âÂ
You wince. âWhatâs the next step?âÂ
âYouâre taking this very seriously,â Jungkook snorts as he begins to move his feet.Â
You try to match his pace, and that distracts you from the fact that you're so close you can smell his cologne very well.Â
âWhere did you learn this?â You ask instead, quite amazed at how Jungkook is approaching this. Itâs not like youâve never slow danced in your life â but you werenât kidding when you said you have two left feet.Â
âWikihow.âÂ
âWow.âÂ
âThey can be super reliable at times,â Jungkook chuckles as he continues to swing you both gently. âStop looking down.âÂ
You groan. âUgh, no. Iâm trying very hard not to not step on you.â
âSo what if you step on me? Just relax.âÂ
Jutting your bottom lip out, you look up at him. âMy heels are Louboutin.âÂ
âEven better.âÂ
âStop.â You break away from his hold with your other hand to jab at his chest lightly. Jungkook lets out an âOwe!â but you know it didnât actually hurt when he just grins down at you, placing his hand on your waist instead so now heâs just⌠simply holding you.
You ignore the weird feeling in your chest at the action, choosing to keep your hand on his chest.Â
âYou wanna know something?â You whisper. Jungkook hums. âI didnât go to prom in highschool.âÂ
âWhat? Why?â Jungkook genuinely seems surprised to hear that.
You smile sadly, looking back at the memory bitterly. âChangsub and I were fighting around that time because I saw him at the mall with some girl the previous week. I was so angry that I didnât care about what Iâd be missing out on. My mom tried really hard to get me to attend, but I was very stubborn. Now I still regret not going to prom. My dress was really pretty back then too but I didn't even get to wear it.âÂ
âDamn,â Jungkook utters. âHe really was such a dick to you, huh?âÂ
âYeah. But it was still on me, though⌠I canât believe I let a boy make me miss out on prom night.â You pout.
Jungkookâs quiet for a while before he abruptly stops his swaying. You look at him in confusion as he lets go of your waist.Â
âWell, I donât have a corsage⌠but this can maybe do?â He fumbles with his chest first before he takes out the silk lavender handkerchief from his suitâs pocket that matches his tie and the lily on his chest. He looks at you for a while before he takes your wrist in his hand. Your brows knit together as he ties the fabric around your wrist, making sure to finish it up with a ribbon â an attempt at a ribbon, that is.Â
You chuckle. âWhatâs this?âÂ
Jungkook grins. âYou wanna know something too? I didnât have a date on prom night â was too scared to ask anybody out. I went home after the first hour. Wasnât really a fond memory. So, prom night definitely sucked for me⌠what Iâm saying is that, itâs not really all that.âÂ
You duck your head down to laugh, partly to hide the flutter in your heart at his words.
âSo, like, is this our â what â our upgraded prom night?âÂ
Jungkook nods proudly. He takes both your hands as you laugh, wrapping them around his neck, taking you by the waist again.Â
This time, you donât feel like your breath is being taken away.
You feel⌠serene. The beating of your heart is back to normal. You realize, thereâs a sense of comfort that comes from being close to him like this â talking and laughing like good old times.Â
You miss him. You miss him so much and you canât believe you ever considered accepting a life without him in it.Â
âThe dress looks good on you, by the way,â Jungkook comments, and it sounds so sincere that you canât help but smile. As if that wasnât enough to melt your heart, he adds, âAnd you look really beautiful.âÂ
âT-thanks,â you stammer, taken aback at the almost intimate way he looks right into your eyes as he said that. You tighten your hold around his neck. âYou donât look so bad yourself.âÂ
âThank you.âÂ
You both chuckle, though there was nothing really funny said in particular.
Carole Kingâs gentle voice soothes you as Jungkook takes the lead of the dance. Youâre not even doing anything other than just going with the flow, letting him take you wherever. Thereâs a moment when you were sure you stepped on his shoe, but Jungkookâs quick to dismiss you with a hush and saying it was nothing.Â
Tonight with words unspoken,
You say that Iâm the only one
But will my heart be broken,
When the night meets the morning sun
You scoff as you finally hear the lyrics.
That may have taken a hit on you.Â
âThis is so stupid.â You say.
Jungkookâs quick to react.
âRude. Iâm literally giving you a prom night from scratch.â
You look at him and you feel bad because he genuinely seems offended at your supposedly throw-away comment.
Shaking your head, you tap his chest lightly. âNo, no. I meanâ the lyrics. The song.â
Jungkook arches a brow. âI have a video of you crying over this song in your car when it came up on your playlist.âÂ
âI didnât cry over this song.â You roll your eyes.Â
âNot as much as you did over Silver Springs, anyway.âÂ
âOh my god, why do you know so much, Jesus,â you hiss, embarrassed at being confronted by your dramatic antics. âI just meant, why are they playing such a sad song at a wedding? Who approved this?âÂ
âEh,â Jungkook shrugs. âMaybe Nayeonâs a Carole King fan.âÂ
âIs she?â you ask, genuinely curious. If she is, she never told anybody.
âMaybeâŚ?âÂ
You canât help but laugh because of how the conversation progressed. Jungkook laughs as well, and he takes the jab you send to his chest with a light hand. Theyâre really hard, you think, and you donât know what comes over you as you lean your head down and let your body fall towards him, laying your cheek on the lapel of his suit. Itâs warm.
You feel Jungkook stilling in his position at your sudden action, but soon enough, he does nothing to pry you off like you feared for a moment he would, tightening his arms around your waist and swinging you both in that kind of laxed way.Â
Shutting your eyes close, you let the soft melody of the song ease your nerves, basking in Jungkookâs presence and his familiar scent.Â
You stay like that for a while, and just when the song is coming to an end, you feel Jungkookâs breathe in your ears, his lips almost brushing to the tips of your ears when he says, âIâm sorry I didnât say anything back then, but I really miss you too.âÂ
You drank more champagne than you anticipated and itâs why you wobble your way into the bathroom to do some half-ass retouch. Just as when you were putting away your make-up, Nayeon comes out from one of the cubicles.Â
âHey, you gorgeous, gorgeous girl,â She says with a huge smile, now changed into a much simpler dress, in contrast to her voluminous one earlier.
You mirror her grin, opening your arms wide to engulf her in a hug. âHi to you too. Congrats again on the wedding. Iâm so incredibly happy for you. You and Minhyuk are perfect.âÂ
When Nayeon breaks apart from your hug, she looks at you closely. âI saw you with Jungkook earlier. Lots of people saw you two earlier.âÂ
âWhat?âÂ
âI mean⌠slow dancing to Will You Love Me Tomorrow in a weirdly intimate way was kind of insane, if you ask me.âÂ
âOh, uhmâŚâ you feel blood rushing to your cheeks as you grow embarrassed at the thought of people catching you in that position. You remember after the song ended, you made up some excuse about going to the bathroom to pee and you did â but you pointedly tried to stay out of Jungkookâs sight ever since.
One step forward, three steps back.
âHow are you two by the way?âÂ
âWeâre fine.â You say, giving her a reassuring smile.Â
Nayeon stares at you for a moment. Then, she sighs. âYouâre not, are you?â
âNo, we really are. Weâreâ weâre talking, right?â You point out.
âBut⌠heâs moving out of your place.â
âWell, he needs a change of scenery. Heâs been there for four years so he must be tired living there.âÂ
Nayeon stares at you again and when you look at her face, your heart twinges as you see the disappointment written all over her features.Â
âI donât understand you both, really. You have this⌠this beautiful thing going on and youâre choosing to ignore that? Itâs obvious that you feel something for him, __. Just be honest with him and see where it goes. I know you two are pretending that everythingâs fine but youâre both hurting each other and youâre acting like itâs nothing â itâs all just unnecessary angst at this point. What are you two doing?â Nayeon asks.Â
âIâŚâ
âCome on, __. Do you really want to let each other go? Do you really want to drift apart? Because itâs been almost a month of pussyfooting. And I donât know if youâre just expecting that your luck is not gonna run out, but it is going to. And I know youâre going to regret it.âÂ
You stare at Nayeon while listening to her words. You donât expect the sharp edges to her voice. Youâve always thought that if someone was going to call you out on your bullshit â it was going to be Doyeon. Sheâs the bluntest in the group and would not hesitate to tell someone if theyâre being a bitch or not â so you donât expect Nayeon to be like this at all because sheâs always been a soft-spoken sweetheart.
It's not like Doyeon hasnât been harsh, either, though. You had a drink with her and Taehyung a month ago and letâs just say she kind of ranted about you feeling like youâre in a romcom or something.Â
She shuts her eyes close, and you can just feel her frustration emanating. âIâm sorry â I know Iâm being harsh right now. But I just canât bear seeing you two like this. I just got married today and I feel like Iâm learning and realizing so much right now and one of those is that Iâm extremely lucky to have found someone Iâm so sure of, and while Minhyuk was saying his vows I looked back at my past relationships and just thought that⌠that Iâm so glad I was finally at that point and⌠and right now I canât stop thinking about you two,â Nayeon sighs. âYou two love each other so much. Everybody can see it. Why are you both running away from each other? What gives?âÂ
You look away.
You both do love each other. They are right.
And while you canât exactly say if what you feel for Jungkook right now bounds in being in love â thereâs quite literally only one thing in the world that youâre certain of, and itâs that heâs the most important person to you â the only one you can think of spending a lifetime with and not get sick of it.
And that was something.
ButâŚ
âBecause itâs scary.â You say, finally.
âWhatâs scary?â
You inhale a sharo breath.
âFor eight years Iâve always thought that we were only platonic. But somewhere in my head I always thought that he was my soulmate, you know? I thought about us ending up together and I remember liking that thought. But years went by, and nothing ever happened and I swear I was happy with Eunwoo but you know what Iâm ashamed of all this time that I never told anybody?â Your vision of Nayeon gets blurry as you begin tearing up. âI think⌠I have been in denial for so long. I think⌠I think I secretly looked for a part of Jungkook in Eunwoo and I think Eunwoo knew that. I think everybody who Iâve ever been with knew that except for myself. Because I was in denial. Even right now, Iâm still in denial. You donât know how â you donât know how strange it is to suddenly wake up and realize that you donât see your friend as a mere friend anymore. You donât know how hard it is to overthink things â like what if it doesnât work out and everything falls apart? Our friendship is so important to me, I hold it in the highest regard, and I donât want anything to ever go against it. But now Iâm doing that myself and I just⌠I hate it. But I donât know what to do. Jungkookâs moving out just like it seems like heâs moving on and Iâm scared that Iâm too late to do anything.âÂ
Your speech leaves Nayeonâs mouth agape, clearly not expecting your outburst. But she recovers quickly. She steps closer in front of you, and in a second, engulfs you in a hug.Â
âIâm sorry,â you sniff, making sure to not let your tears fall down her dress. âI think Iâve been keeping that for a long time.â
âItâs okay⌠Iâm glad you said that.âÂ
âYeah⌠I think Iâm glad too,â you both chuckle.Â
â__?â
You hum.
âJust talk to Jungkook. If youâre worried about him moving out, heâs not. I can tell you that much.âÂ
You break the hug and look at Nayeon. âNayeon, he literally has everything packed. I think heâs leaving early in the morning tomorrow.â
Nayeon fixes a strand of stray hairs from your hair framing your face. âHm. He has?â You nod. âWell, as I said, heâs not leaving. Trust me. But you have to tell him everything that you told me just now. Be honest, __. It feels scary right now but, try to take a leap of faith, okay? This is not some toxic positivity shit or anything like that, but just be honest, alright?âÂ
Nibbling on your bottom lip, you look at her hesitantly. âAre you⌠are you sure?âÂ
Nayeon nods, and she looks so sure of herself that it may have fired up a little bit of hope in you.Â
The party is still ongoing, but you decide that itâs time for you to clock out. After you bid your goodbyes to Nayeon and her now husband, to Doyeon and to Taehyung, you head out of the venue to try and book a taxi. You couldnât find Jungkook earlier at the party, so you decided to send him a text that says you were going home.Â
âNeed a ride?âÂ
The ever-familiar voice expectedly appears to be Jungkook when you look at him.Â
âHey,â you greet. âNo. I was just about to book an Uber.âÂ
Jungkookâs brows furrow. You think he looks handsome under the moonlight. âWe can ride together in my car. Iâm going home as well.â
âN-no, no, âs really fine,â you wave your hand, emphasizing your point.Â
Jungkook grows more confused. Then: âAre you drunk?âÂ
You wince, hating that he instantly knows right away.Â
âSorta, kindaâŚâÂ
âAnd you want to Uber?â You pout. You hear him scoff. âThereâs no way Iâm leaving you alone in this state. Okay, letâs get you to my car.âÂ
âIâm fine, really,â you say but it sounds whiny even to your ears.Â
âYou can be stubborn all you want. But in the passengerâs seat.â Jungkook gives you a sharp stare, but his hold on your wrist is gentle as he guides you to the parking lot.Â
He wears the seatbelt around your waist and lets you settle on your seat, rounding the car to get behind the wheel right after. You look away. You thought he'd be more... not nice to you since you just left him earlier with a poor excuse.
You feel guilty. So guilty. Jungkook is so... he makes you feel so loved but you're just... so confused. You're so scared it doesn't even make sense.
When he starts the engine, he asks, âWhy did you drink so much?âÂ
It's easy to ignore the heavy thoughts in your head when you're half-asleep at this point.
âI dunno. The champagne was so good⌠I bet it was probably expensive. I canât have that much free stuff until ââ you stop, as if remembering something, sitting upright. âWhen is Taehyungâs wedding?âÂ
âHe doesnât have a wedding, baâ__. He hasnât proposed to Hyerin yet.âÂ
You slump in your chair hearing that.Â
âWhy? Theyâre so perfect together⌠they should marryâŚâ You say before dropping back down to your seat again. The AC in Jungkookâs car whirrs softly in your ear, and when you look to the side, you find yourself staring at his side profile.
Heâs taken off his white coat, now left with a white shirt and his purple tie. Heâs pushed the sleeves up to his forearms, showing the veins all over them.
âJungkook.â you call him.
âWhat is it?â He says, momentarily looking at you before focusing back on the road.
âCan IâŚâ you look at his hand. You sniff. âCan I hold your hand?â
Well, he does not expect that at all. But he smiles anyway, taking off one hand on the wheel and reaching for your own hand over the center console. You watch the way his huge palm dwarfs your own, and you almost sigh in relief when he laces his fingers with yours, squeezing your hand as he rests it over his thigh.
The last thing you hear is Jungkookâs soft chuckle before you completely drift off to sleep.Â
When you awake, youâre in your room. Seconds after regaining consciousness, you notice the banging in your head â and when you blearily open your eyes, reaching around for your phone, you donât find it.Â
Groaning, you stand up from your bed, realizing youâre now in a shirt and some pajamas. But weirdly enough, you seem to still have your bra on.
You peek through the inside of your shirt and alas, the white lace of your bra from last nightâs event welcomes you, and when you stretch the waistband of your shorts to check on your panties, you still adorn the pair of white thong, which means only one thing.Â
You havenât changed completely out of the garments youâve worn to Nayeonâs wedding and you wonder how it all happened. When you look to the side, your clutch is placed on the nightstand and so you grab it, relieved to find your phone there.Â
Shockingly, you read itâs only over 2 am.Â
With furrowed brows, you go over to the mirror to check your ensemble. Your face isnât and doesn't feel as heavy with make-up as it was back at the venue, and youâre definitely dressed down now.Â
You remember passing out in Jungkookâs car after he insisted that you ride with him⌠and everything had been a blur since then.Â
Suddenly, an idea goes into your head.Â
Did Jungkook⌠change your clothes and remove your make-up? Thatâs the only plausible thing that you can consider because you honestly donât remember ever dressing yourself or going to the bathroom to remove your make-up. And if you did change out of the gown, you would've opted out of your underwear as well.Â
Maybe Jungkook did all that.Â
And the thought makes you smile. But it drops just as quickly.Â
You head towards your door and go straight knocking on Jungkookâs bedroom.Â
You donât expect him to be awake at this point, but when you hear steps coming your way and the doorknob clicking, you stare at Jungkook wide-eyed when he welcomes you with his presence behind the door.
âHey,â He greets, predictably surprised to see you. âYouâre awake.â
âYeahâŚâ your eyes donât mean to subtly roam his room. Then thatâs when you catch it. The bags lying around his bedroom floor and the neatly piled boxes to the side. Your eyebrows meet each other. âYouâre packing?âÂ
Jungkook nods. âIâm leaving tomorrow, I told you that, didnât I?âÂ
âY-you did, yeah.â You stammer, blinking at him. You suddenly feel like throwing up. âWell, I just came to thank you forâŚâ you trail off, gesturing to your clothes.
Seemingly getting what you mean, Jungkookâs lips curl up into a coy smile. âI hope you donât mind. I tried to wake you up, but you were complaining about your dress when you were sleepingâŚâ
âYeah⌠Iâm glad you took it off.â You wince. âThat sounds wrong. Anyway, the make-up, too. I have to ask, did I throw up on you?âÂ
Jungkook laughs, incredulous. âNo, no, you didnât. Are you seriously worried about that?âÂ
âI just feel bad.â You give him a tight-lipped smile.Â
âItâs okay. You should sleep now, itâs late. Do you have a shift tomorrowâ or later, actually.âÂ
âYeah, I do. But itâs the evening shift. So. You?âÂ
âI have the morning until three in the afternoon.âÂ
Nodding, you ask, âAre you leaving at three then? I mean, to your new place?â
âYeah. Will just pass by here to get some of my stuff.â
You try to look for something on his face. But Jungkook looks casual at best. Now you remember what Nayeon told you. Was she lying when she said youâre going to convince Jungkook not to move out? Because from the looks of it, Jungkook doesnât seem like anything would budge him from leaving tomorrow. He seems so set on a mission, and you canât lie and say that it doesnât break your heart.Â
You find yourself thinking about the events at the reception party. How he threw you a quick prom, told you you were beautiful⌠how he said he missed you.Â
Was that all a lie? Just something he said to avoid some sort of dead air?Â
Because if he truly misses you, then why would he leave?Â
You find yourself getting annoyed.Â
âIâll be back to my room.â You say to get out of the situation. You notice Jungkook getting taken aback by the change of your tone, even more so when you turn on your heels quickly to take the two strides it takes you to your own bedroom.Â
In there, you throw yourself on the mattress, the impact affecting you a little bit. You must still be drunk because you feel your vision getting blurry a bit but as you quickly shut and open your eyes, everything goes back to normal.Â
You sigh.Â
Well, maybe youâre actually meant to be alone and itâs true that youâre not meant for any romantic relationships. Youâll die alone and youâll just have to deal with the heartbreaks you went through your whole life.Â
A stray tear escapes your eye, and you quickly raise the back of your hand to wipe at it. You glare at the wall dividing your and Jungkookâs rooms, finding it annoying that youâre not really mad at him. Itâd be so easy if you were mad at him⌠but you have no reason to.
But why is he so stubborn? Why isnât he saying anything? Can he just⌠can it just be him who takes the leap of faith, so you wonât have to? You know thatâs unfair, though. Itâs juvenile.Â
In a burst of courage, you take one pillow from your bed and stomp your way out of your bedroom, finding yourself in front of Jungkookâs room again and knocking.Â
He opens it, rightfully surprised to see you again. âH-hey, __, I thoughtââ
âCan I sleep here?âÂ
You can see the way his face contorts into confusion. âWhat?âÂ
âCan I sleep in your room?â You reiterate, but youâre already forcing your way in. You throw your pillow on his own heap of dark ones, frowning when you see the bags on the floor. âAre you just going to pack forever? Youâve been packing since yesterday.â
Your clipped tone throws Jungkook off a little bit, but he doesnât point that out, though, when he speaks. âNo. Iâm actually done now.âÂ
âOkay? Well, then, letâs sleep.â You say, staring at him. He looks stoned in his position from the edge of the bed, so utterly confused.Â
âAre you⌠still drunk?âÂ
âWhat? No.â
âO⌠kay?â Jungkook looks extra cautious when he seats himself on the mattress by your feet. âAre you sure?âÂ
âAbout what?â
âI donât know. About not being drunk and⌠sleeping here.âÂ
âYeah,â you answer, pointing out the obvious. âWhy are you acting like we havenât had sleepovers before? You used to sleep in my room when there was a spider in your closet.âÂ
Jungkook makes a face. âIt was a huge spider.âÂ
You roll your eyes, going into a lying position, making sure to leave some space for him on the side. âJungkook.âÂ
âOkay, Iâm going. So demanding.âÂ
He playfully clicks his tongue as he lays on the bed as well, sliding his body across the mattress. He doesnât expect the way you take his arm to spread it on your side of the bed, and you donât let him say another word when you lay your head on it, keeping your hands close to your chest as you snuggle beside him.Â
You could feel there was a moment there that Jungkook stiffened for a bit, but he relaxes just as quickly, feeling him caress your head tentatively as if feeling you out before he goes for it completely.Â
âThis is what youâre gonna be missing out on when you move out.â you mumble.
Youâre grateful when he only says: âHm?â
âNothing.â You open your eyes and because of the close proximity, your eyes are at the level of the side view of his chest, and you see the way his thin white shirt clings to his body, rising up and down with his breathing. âI saw your keys earlier. Iâm glad you like the Claddagh.âÂ
Jungkook laughs. âThe Claddagh, huh? I knew you knew what that keychain meant,â You frown when you realize you were supposed to pretend you didnât know that. Oh, well, he figured you out right away, anyway. âI really like it, by the way. It was very thoughtful,â Jungkook says. You canât see him in your position, but you just know he has a smile on his face. He sounds like it.Â
âThank you. I thought about gifting you a watch⌠but watches are expensive, soâŚâ You decide to joke, and Jungkook laughs which makes you smile.Â
âI would choose the Claddagh any day. I just⌠I really like it. I interpreted it as a deep sense of belonging and shared history, and Iâve known you for eight years, so that seems very fitting. Iâm glad you chose to give me that.âÂ
It was also a reminder of your relationship. Your love for each other. The loyalty that lies in its foundation, and how youâve managed to build that over the years. Jungkookâs ultimately your soulmate â that youâre sure of â even though thatâs a bit of a cliche and you donât exactly believe in it entirely. A bit of a conflict, really, since youâre a hopeless romantic.Â
But youâve long known that you and Jungkook are more than just friends. You trust and respect each other beyond words â and itâs more than what you could say about your previous romantic partners. Sure, there was that sense of admiration for one another with your ex-boyfriends, but Jungkook is different. Heâs always been different.Â
Youâve known that all along â but itâs only now that you decided to read between the lines.Â
And you want to tell him that. So badly. But you choose to let the gentle tips of his fingers lull you to that comfortable annexe of warmth, easing you from overwhelming thoughts.Â
Has Jungkook always felt like the embodiment of comfort for you? Has he always felt like everything good you can imagine having in your life?
Then, you feel him lean down to the top of your head. âYou smell so nice. You arenât my soulmate after all.âÂ
That makes you violently crane your neck up to look at him. âWhat?â
âThere was this article that Tae sent to me. It was from Cosmo, I think. It says youâre not supposed to be able to smell your soulmate.â He says, looking so serious that you canât figure if heâs bullshitting you.
You lean on your elbow so you can look down properly at him, saying, âThatâs not even plausible. Since when was Cosmo reliable to you? Thatâs ridiculous. We literally have four hundred different types of olfactory receptors which help us perceive various smells â I mean, unless youâve damaged them somehow, or thereâs a disruption in your signal transduction, or youâre anosmic â which I know youâre not â then I donât think thatâs true.âÂ
Jungkook laughs and you canât help but frown.Â
âIt made sense, okay? If you ignore the science stuff.â
âYouâre a doctor.â You quickly counter.
He rolls his eyes. âI mean, for the record, I believe in the existence of extraterrestrial life, so thatâs that.â
âUgh,â you flop down on the bed again, falling back on Jungkookâs body. He scoots closer to hold you close against him, which you welcome casually. You donât even know how you got this comfortable, but youâre glad either way. He feels so big and warm. âAre you going to show me that Youtube video of top ten UFO sightings around the world again?âÂ
âYou donât think that Nebraska one looked very real?â Jungkook says with disbelief.
âNo,â you turn to Jungkook only to find him already looking at you. âThey were college boys, Jungkook. They probably just turned nineteen or something. Have you seen their eyes in the video? It was pixelated as hell, but if I were that highââ
Jungkook suddenly snorts, effectively cutting you off. âOhh, if you were that high?â
You jab at his chest which only makes him laugh louder.Â
âI tried my first weed with you.â You pout.
Jungkook catches the stray hair that falls from behind your ear and hides it back there again as he says, âYou coughed nonstop and had a sore-throat the next day. You have baby lungs.âÂ
You roll your eyes and go back to lying on his arm. âWhatever. All of that still doesnât justify that weâre not soulmates.âÂ
âThe concept of soulmates doesnât even have a scientific explanation.â Jungkook chuckles.Â
âNoâŚ? But there's psychological research about it; the attachment theory, look it up.âÂ
âThereâs also cognitive dissonance.â Jungkook pitches in.Â
âThatâs so mean!â You gasp, but you know Jungkookâs only teasing when you see that heâs got that huge stupid grin on his face.
He apologizes in between his laughter, squeezing your waist a bit before he says, âOkay, okay. But what if youâre my soulmate, but Iâm not yours?âÂ
âThatâs not how soulmate-ism works. Isnât it nice to think that thereâs like a system to it? Like if youâre my soulmate, then that would automatically make me your soulmate. It doesnât make sense otherwise.â Your eyebrows knit together as you explain.
âI guess youâre rightâŚâ Then you hear him letting out a loud sigh. âFor what it's worth, I think Iâd be really happy if I was your soulmate.â
You smile against his pec after he says the words.Â
You like Jeon Jungkook. You like him so much itâs starting to feel unbearable.
Thereâs silence that hangs in the air for some time before you look up at Jungkook alarmingly. âKook.â He doesnât say anything. You lean on your elbow again to peer down at him, only to see that heâs now closed his eyes. âJungkook.âÂ
Finally, he stirs. But his eyes are still closed. âHm?â
âDonât sleep yet.âÂ
âUh-huh.â He gives your waist a brief squeeze again.
âIâm watching you.âÂ
He chuckles. âWhat is it?âÂ
âLetâs talk more.âÂ
âHow are you still not sleepy?âÂ
âBecauseâŚâ you drop your head down to his chest this time. âI want to know if you could ever ââ you shrug, staring at his ceiling. ââcannibalize someone.â
âI like this. Conversationâs getting raunchy,â You hear him snorting through his breath. âIs this your pillowtalk?âÂ
âYes.âÂ
âIn that case, thatâs an interesting question. I have never really thought about that.â Â
âReally? Never?âÂ
âIâve never been in any situation where I had to think about that, thank god.â
You laugh together. âOkay, but if you really had to, would you?âÂ
âI donât know⌠Iâm a huge germaphobe, you know that. But I guess humans inherently have indomitable spirits and that conditions us to do whatever it takes to ensure our survival under extreme conditions. I donât think Iâm beyond that.â  Â
You nod against his chest. Mindlessly, you start tracing random lines over his shirt, and you wait for Jungkook to pry your hand off or say something to stop you or ask you what youâre doing, but he doesnât really say anything.Â
âItâs fascinating, right? The way we can just alter our brains and mindsets when weâre put under certain conditions. Itâs amazing and weird at the same time how we work psychologically.âÂ
âExactly.â You feel Jungkook nodding.Â
âThis isâ of course this is not an extreme condition where I have to cannibalize someone,â you chuckle, which earns the same thing from Jungkook. You continue, âbut you know when youâre experiencing a heartbreak and you think itâs the end of the world but then you wake up one day and suddenly youâre fine?Â
When Jungkook turns quiet, you know youâve touched on a subject that feels personal.Â
You sigh. âI broke up with Mingyu awhile ago.âÂ
âOh.â
You hum. âYeah⌠like a month ago?â
âAh. I had a hunch.â
âBut you didnât ask,â you smile. âWell, anyway I just want you to know.âÂ
Silence.
Then, âDo you feel⌠do you feel sad about it?âÂ
âThatâs whatâs weird,â you say. âBecause I donât necessarily feel sad about the break-up, or the relationship. But itâs more like â the thought of breaking up with somebody again.â You chuckle, but thereâs no humor to it. âI feel like you can only take so many break-ups in your life before you completely give up on love, you know? And itâs like⌠I donât even get it⌠I mean, Iâm decent, arenât I? I can hold up a conversation, I make sense, I have a good job, and I donât look bad â although, maybe thatâs whatâs wrong all along?â You swallow the lump in your throat. âAm I ugly?âÂ
âHey,â Jungkook calls, and you feel him rising from his lying position just as you feel tears slowly streaming down your face.Â
You scold yourself for it â because what the hell even is this about? Just earlier you were talking about cannibalism and now youâre tearing up. Your emotions are all over the place, and it doesnât help that Jungkookâs quick to dote on you, guiding your back as you both sit on the bed instead.
You inhale a sharp breath. âLook at me, Iâm a mess,â you look at him through blurry eyes, hoping to look apologetic at the very least for barging in his room at fuckass oâclock and disturbing his packing and not noticing that heâs been in love with you for the past eight years. God, you want to say sorry for a lot of things. âIâm sorry. I donât know why Iâm crying, itâs not that deep.âÂ
âIf itâs bothering you then itâs a big deal. And Iâm looking right at you,â Jungkook wraps an arm around your shoulders as he looks you in the eyes. âIâm looking at you and youâre beautiful, youâre intelligent, and youâre the funniest person on Earth Iâve ever had the pleasure of knowing. Iâm so glad I met you.âÂ
âWell⌠do you still feel that way when I only ever seem to come to you when I wanna vent or cry?â You ask, attempting to joke, but your voice breaks at the end.
It cracks a smile on Jungkookâs face though. âThatâs not true at all. You also come to annoy me.âÂ
Your laughter turns into a sob and thatâs when Jungkook wraps an arm around your shoulder to pull you close to his side, letting your head fall to his bicep and resting his chin on top of yours. Itâs a barely-there gesture, but youâre pretty sure you feel him kiss the crown of your head.Â
âI know⌠I know we still have a lot to talk about, __. That weâre glossing over the important things. But I want to say sorry. I never said sorry about what happened back at the resort. For Mingyu. For doing what we did. I never said sorry about bombarding you with all those things and for taking so long to talk to you just because I was scared. But right now, Iâm saying sorry. I have been completely unfair to you all this time.âÂ
You quickly get out of his hold to look up at him. âNo, youââÂ
âJustâŚâ Jungkook cuts you off. âJust let me, okay? I know youâre gonna say none if it was my fault but youâre right about what you said. Youâre right about doubting my feelings for you.âÂ
âJungkookâŚâ
He nods. âI was in denial for the most part about my feelings for you. Ever since that thing happened with Jiyeon in college, I found it hard to trust somebody again. I slept around in my last year of college because it made me feel good about myself, made me think I was desirable and that someone cheating on me doesnât mean shit when I had all those women who willingly slept with me. I was like that during my first year in med school, too. Couldn't really get serious with somebody because â because what if they do the same thing again?â Jungkook smiles bitterly. âAnd then⌠I met you. It started out as a crush and I was so sure it wasnât going to be more than that, but then, we were in almost the same classes and we became friends,â Jungkook looks at you fondly and you almost melt in his arms. âAnd then I found myself liking you, and then I fell hard â really fucking hard,â he chuckles to himself. âIt was during spring break of second year when I realized I was fucked and that I was in love with my best friend.âÂ
âS-spring break?â You whisper, not sure what he meant.Â
âYou donât remember it?â Jungkook asks. He looks over your face and suddenly heâs caressing your cheek with his fingers. He swipes his thumb over it, wiping a stray tear away. He smiles before he says, âI caught the flu that time. I called you, but you were over at your parents. Then the next day I woke up and you were at my place telling me to take care of my health because how can I study medicine when my immune system is shit.â
âOh, thatâŚâ you trail off. Suddenly, the fragments of that time become clear to you. The flu wasnât that bad, only took him three days to fully recover.
âYeah. But then that was also the time when you told me Eunwoo asked you to be his girlfriend and that you said yes.âÂ
You inhale a shaky breath.
âIâ I tried to forget about my feelings, because I didnât want to harbor all those feelings for you when you already had a boyfriend. I went to all those dates in the hopes that I could feel something from someone. I tried to date Sora. It was good. It was a good partnership. But then⌠Eunwoo proposed, and I donât know â I guess I deluded myself so bad that I have fully moved on from you since then â but then I was faced with the reality that you were going to spend your life with somebody else and I didnât know how to deal with it. I was so bad at handling my emotions. So stupid. Sora broke up with me because she figured I love you.âÂ
You stare at him with your mouth agape. You would've never guessed why they broke up. You always thought they were so perfect for each otherâŚÂ
âAnd yeah, the break-up with Eunwoo happened and it took you two years to heal. I didnât want to make a move because I simply didnât want to be that kind of guy who takes advantage of a womanâs vulnerability after a break-up, you know? And we moved in together two years ago andâŚâ You wait as he trails off. âI guess I just got comfortable with our set-up.âÂ
âHow do you mean?â
âIt was like, everything I imagined us to be. Living together, sharing everything together. I thought no one could take that away from me, even if I didnât ask you out. Iâm not telling you to believe it, but I wasnât with a lot of women for the past two years⌠yeah, sure, I dated them very briefly, but it was out of genuine attempt to find somebody for myself because I didnât want to ruin our friendship by confessing. Being your best friend was and still is more important to me than being your boyfriend. I couldnât care less how I can have you; I want you in any way â and if that meant being your platonic friend the rest of our time, then I was that. I am that. Even now.â
You canât find your words. Youâve imagined your talk countless times in your head, but they all fell short to give you a taste of what the real thing would be like.Â
âSo⌠Iâm sorry. Iâm sorry for keeping my feelings for nearly eight years. Iâm sorry I kept something important to you about Mingyu. Iâm sorry I didnât say anything sooner. Just⌠I apologize. I feel like I broke your trust.âÂ
Itâs quiet for a while before you break the silence.
âJungkook,â You call him. He meets your gaze. Itâs soft and itâs sweet and you realize heâs always looked at you like that. How could you have not noticed? âYouâre very important to me.âÂ
âIâm glad.â He smiles. A small one that makes him look all boyish. The urge to keep him in your pocket even though heâs much bigger than you becomes huge.
âAnd I want you in any way, too.â You say, staring intently at him.Â
You watch as Jungkook stares back at you. Thereâs an agonizing stretch of seconds when you see his eyes darting down from your eyes to your lips, and you donât mean to bite the bottom one, suddenly feeling the thick tension rising in the air.
âCan I hug you?â You swallow the lump in your throat.Â
âI would really love that.âÂ
You donât know how it happens, but the last thing you see is Jungkookâs wall clock pointing to 3:15 am before you let your eyes rest.
[ READ BELOW ]
this chapter is not over yet! tumblr has a 1k paragraph/block limit in a single post and so i can't put the whole thing in this. please look thru the reblogs to read the last scene of the chapter and the EPILOGUE or click on this [ link ]
#jungkook smut#jungkook fluff#jungkook angst#jungkook x reader#jungkook scenarios#jungkook imagines#bts smut#bts fluff#jeon jungkook x reader#fic: tlp#awrkive
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okay if you're really cool about things, i can be honest with you. before you read further, decide if you're a girl's girl. if you're cool and actually cool or like not cool.
men don't talk in my book because i was fuckken tired of the way they're the center of every fucking story. i was tired of how every story takes a moment to let them talk. men can shut up for literally one fucking book.
unfortunately not everyone is cool. professionally what i usually say is i didn't want to add violence to the world. the only men in my book are abusers, so they don't get to talk. they don't get to take up space. they ruined my life, they don't get to have their words echo anymore.
because like, yeah! you find practically any story about a person surviving trauma and... there's a man at the center. men are often rescuing us from these things. a "good man" is always standing around, being a good man, proving to the victim that good men are the real men. that her experience was unique rather than universal.
the redacted text has not been taken well by all of my early readers. there is this weird, crouching growl that keeps occurring with men-of-a-certain-age. why don't we hear his side of the story?
when i sat down to write everything that happened to me, i couldn't look at the frank brutality of my abuser's words on a page and think to myself: i actually let him speak like that. i had to redact his words from the manuscript. i then left it redacted. no victim is going to read this book and hear the person who hurt them. it is a book for the victims to speak. abusers shut up challenge, forever. for eternity.
my father once told me, chuckling, i should just have a page of redaction where i let the man just finally talk. it is funny to joke about how we should make a whole page in my book about a man that hurt me. this was not the only time someone commented - it feels like you're hiding things. how do i know you're actually a victim if he doesn't get to speak?
there are books where women aren't even present. i even genuinely like some of those books. like, who doesn't like the hobbit?
i keep running into people defending this imaginary man. the default narrative is so true to some people that they will defend any man, just by virtue of the assumption - "if he's acting like that, you had to push him." certain people need definitive proof that you didn't accidentally make your partner into an abuser. they need to decide if you deserved it, because they want to be able to judge you.
which makes sense, i guess, from a hind brain perspective. if you can figure out "why" someone was cruel, you can protect yourself against it. if you defend the bully, the bully might side with you. i don't really know their explanation for feeling this about a character in a book. trust me, i wrote the guy. he is not going to protect you.
i guess i just - there was a time in my life where i desperately wanted anyone to defend me. where i could have really used someone saying holy shit are you okay instead of what did you say to make him act like that to you.
instead, over dinner, a friend-of-a-friend i just met is pouring herself wine. i heard you wrote a book, she says. she gives me the kind of chilly smile i associate with knives. i heard it's unfair to men.
#the author is nonbinary. don't get fucking weird.#btw if ur a woman and u do this u go to advanced special hell. like if u defend ab*sers at all#u dont get to pretend ur protected from being misogynistic. ur not. we all have internal work.#writeblr#i can't write lately wtf
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Part 4
Mister(s) Steal Your Girl is, somehow, now the official title. Congratulations you little shits (affectionate).
Content: Toxic Behavior, Brief Weight Shaming, Hurt/Comfort
You didnât expect to see Johnny much after that one night - or possibly ever again. Kyle introduced you two, it was a lot of fun, but you figure thatâll be the end of it. Like introducing a new man to your girlfriends (not that you can really introduce Kyle to yours) you passed the vibe check and now Kyle will keep you and Johnny separate.
Thatâs how itâs been with Brandonâs friends. (Granted, you donât really care for Brandonâs friends. And you figure itâs mutual based on the âuptightâ comments they pretended to think you couldnât hear.)
Youâre starting to realize that Kyle is always going to subvert your expectations.
Johnny becomes a fixture - a welcome one. While you and Kyle still have your date nights and privacy, Johnny joins you two at least once a week for movies, drinks, dinner, or just silly adventures out and about.
Youâre surprised that you donât mind. Johnny is fantastic company, always respectful, funny, and friendly. Whenever the two of you are left alone, thereâs no dead air. In fact, sometimes you could almost swear thereâs electricity. Which is⌠well. It makes it hard to look him in the eye sometimes - and looking at Kyle even harder.
Guilt nips at your stomach until one of them distracts you with another story youâre 70% sure they shouldnât tell you.
You and Johnny play a game with pub napkins, doodling something on one folded half, then passing it over for the other to scribble on the second half. The trick is not cheating and seeing the first half, then unfolding it to a complete (and usually silly) picture. Gaz always gets to name whatever monstrosity has been created.
You get a month of that good company. Then Kyle sighs at his phone one night.
âShipping out again,â he explains when you glance at him.
âWill you be gone long?â you ask, shifting.
His brow furrows. âNot sure. They canât tell us much over the phone.â
You hum in understanding. Still new to this whole military thing, the redacted danger of it all, but you think youâre getting the hang of it. At least, Kyle never seems annoyed when he canât answer you, only apologetic.
âIs it gonna be the whole team?â you ask.
âNah, just me and the cap.â He rubs his palm along your calf, a gesture that you suspect is self-soothing rather than for your benefit. âProbably not too dangerous, then.â
You make a noise of protest, nudging at his thigh with your foot. âBad luck!â
âSorry, sorry!â he chuckles, tapping his knuckles on the wooden end table. âYouâre right.â
You crawl from your side of the couch to his, nuzzling up under his arm. He trails kisses along the side of your face as you snuggle in.
âIâll miss you,â you mumble into his neck. Still a little embarrassed to be so needy, but you want him to feel appreciated.
âIâll miss you too, chickadee. Iâll call if I can, yeah?â
You hum in agreement, squeezing an arm around his middle.
âWhile Iâm gone, if you need anything - even some company - you ought to call Soap,â he adds.
The idea is tempting but⌠âI donât want to bother him.â
âI promise you wonât,â he laughs. You donât know whatâs so funny, but hearing his voice rumble in his chest like this is always a treat.
âMaybe,â you allow.
âWeâll take it.â Before you can ask what that means, he loops an arm around your waist and scoops you into his lap. âNow then, about my send off.â
Your giggle turns into a moan as his mouth slants over yours.
Kyleâs only been gone three days. Youâve occupied yourself with cleaning up the flat you share with Brandon. Dust has been collecting since youâve been out and about so much - and god knows Brandon hardly does more than load the dishwasher. Besides, a good bit of spring cleaning is a pleasant enough distraction, humming as you toss out old things to make more room for the new stuff youâve been collecting.
âGood to see you getting back to normal,â Brandon says cheerfully. You glance up from the laundry youâre folding. He continues, âI was worried with how behind you got on things, but I knew you just needed some time. I told you this would be better for us both.â
You try not to let that sting. Even if things are better now, and continuing to get better, you canât forget the pain that lingers from the beginning.
âTell you what,â he adds, hands in his pockets. âWhen you finish cleaning up, Iâll take you out to the pub, yeah? Put on something pretty.â
You perk up, pleasantly surprised, though hesitant.
âWe could leave earlier if you helped,â you point out, hoping for more than just dinner. âMaybe we could walk in the park or something before eating.â
He gives you a weak smile. One you recognize more than his real one by now. Itâs almost apologetic, but not quite.
âI would but Iâm bloody exhausted from this week, ya know? Big projects coming up at work.â
Your smile freezes. âAnd some late nights, Iâm sure,â you try to joke.
He doesnât laugh like you expect, but gives you an odd look. âWhy would you say something like that?â
Baffled, you shrug. He shakes his head.
âIâm going to take a nap, come wake me up when youâre ready to go.â
You manage to finish the majority of your to-do list by 5. Shower, get dressed, do your hair and makeup with Brandon snoring in the background until 6. By then, he still hasnât woken up from his nap, so you perch on the edge of the bed and gently nudge at him until he stirs.
âIâm ready to go, babe,â you murmur.
He scrunches up his face - you spare an affectionate thought for how cute it is. Youâve always found it cute.
âFive more minutes,â he grumbles.
You laugh a little. âItâs getting late, we should probably head out.â
He groans. âFive. Minutes.â
You huff in amusement and reach for his phone to set an alarm, but pause at all the notifications from dating apps crowding his screen. There are⌠a lot. And as youâre looking, a new message pops up, just labeled âblondeâ with a peach emoji. Gross.
You set the alarm and slip away to the living room.
It takes him another half hour to finally rouse, shuffling into the living room with a groan.
âCâmon,â he yawns. âItâs going to be bloody crowded by now.â
You follow him quietly to the car, knowing heâs not chatty when heâs just woken up. Hunger only adds to his mood; you can practically see a cloud forming over his head. By the time he pulls up to the pub, heâs downright grumpy. He grumbles about shit parking, and the milling people outside. It looks busy.
âWe could go somewhere else?â you suggest.
âThis is fine,â he says.
He parks a block away and starts at a swift pace. You try to hold his hand, but halfway there, he pulls away to check his phone and doesnât take it again.
Surprisingly, itâs only a twenty minute wait for a table - but Brandon sneers something like âof course it isâ under his breath. You smile apologetically at the hostess and usher him away.
He doesnât talk during the wait, at first. Until suddenly he blurts. âWe wouldnât have to wait if youâd woken me up.â
You blink at him. âI did. You asked for five more minutes.â
âWell, why didnât you wake me up then?â
âI set an alarm?â
You donât know why heâs so irritated, just that he seems tired and hungry.
âYou know I donât listen to alarms,â he complains, scowling at the sidewalk.
âOkay⌠Iâll wake you up next time,â you offer.
âYeah, next time.â
Thankfully, the two of you are called a little early. The pub is indeed loud and crowded, and youâre definitely overdressed. But at least you know what you want - Brandonâs taken you here a million times before.
Wisely, you wait until heâs downed the texmex rolls before trying for conversation again. He hums along as you talk about work, about the books youâve been reading, about the new movie you saw last week. You think itâs going pretty well, catching up on each otherâs lives, when he interrupts you mid-sentence.
âWhere was this?â
You frown. âAt the grocery storeâŚ?â
âYouâre still on that? Thought we moved on from that story.â
You donât bother finishing it, just ask him about his work. Itâs like pulling teeth. A lot of âgoodâ and âbusyâ and âsame as usual.â By the time your entree comes, youâve given up, not sure if you want to cry or just walk away to see if he even notices. He keeps checking his phone. Your fingers twitch to text Kyle, but you donât want to bother him while heâs working.
The end of dinner canât come sooner. You decline dessert when the server asks.
âProbably for the better,â Brandon tells you lowly when theyâre gone to get the check. âI think youâve put on a bit of weight. You know how you get.â
You probably have - Kyle has a sweet tooth and practically begs you to split desserts with him. Johnnyâs shares his food with you now too, grinning when you express approval for whatever high-protein dish heâs picked and shoving more at you.
As for âhow you getâ⌠Brandonâs mentioned in the past when you were heavier that you get mopey, arenât much fun to be around.
(A small part of you wonders how that would even effect him at this point. He doesnât spend enough time around you to notice if youâre mopey. Is that why tonight has been such a disasterâŚ?)
You just collect your purse and lead the way out of the pub. Itâs a quiet walk back to the car, even though Brandon seems to be in a better mood. Heâs still texting, nearly bumps into an elderly couple along the way.
Back at the apartment, he runs his hand down your side, tugs at the lace hem of your shirt.
âCareful,â you chide.
He sucks his teeth and drops his hand. âIâm just trying to be playful.â
âI know, but I like this shirt.â
He rolls his eyes. âYouâve got three just like it.â
You donât answer, know itâll lead to more useless bickering. Just tug the stupid thing over your head, ready to go to bed.
âHey now, thatâs more like it,â he drawls, fingertips running down your spine.
You jump, surprised, but play it off that his hands are cold. He makes some crass comment about warming them up, reaching for your breasts, and your stomach churns.
âI-I think I ate something bad,â you lie, all but sprinting for the bathroom.
You close the door behind you - but donât lock it. Just sit on the floor, the wall cold against your back, while you try to breathe through your spinning, conflicting thoughts.
Heâs finally giving you attention, affection. Why arenât you jumping at this opportunity to spend time with him? Not long ago, you would have been weeping with joy to have an iota of your normal relationship back. Maybe you really did eat something bad.
âHey,â Brandon calls through the door, âIâm gonna stay somewhere else tonight.â
You stare at the blank white wood, aghast. âBut Iâm sick.â
âItâs not like I can do much, is there? Except listen to you be sick all night,â he reasons. âAnd who knows. Maybe it wasnât something you ate. Maybe itâs contagious. I donât want to spend the weekend ill.â
Your eyes burn. He didnât even open the door to check. âYeah,â you agree, voice robotic, âyouâre right.â
Not even five minutes later, you hear the front door close. That almost, almost does you in. You manage to keep your lackluster dinner down, but not the tears.
You let yourself be pathetic for a few minutes, crying into your arms, folded over your knees. When you finally manage to get yourself together, itâs not Brandon you ache for. Itâs Kyle. Itâs not possible, you know. You just donât want to be alone even though the nausea is dissipating.
Sighing, you remove your ruined makeup and wash your face, climb into one of Kyleâs jumpers. At least it still smells like him. Itâs only as youâre trying to decide on a comfort show, huddled into a ball on the couch, that you remember his advice.
It takes all of fifteen seconds of debate before you scramble for your phone.
I know itâs late, but are you free, you text Johnny.
A response comes almost immediately.
Always for you, lass. You bite your lip on a tiny smile, already feeling better. Your phone buzzes again. Whatâs up?
Your thumbs hover over the keyboard for a moment as you figure out what to ask - then how to ask it.
Would you want to come to mine for movies? I donât feel goodâŚ
He answers instantly again. Ice cream not-good or Theraflu not-good?
You sniffle when you remember that being sick was a dealbreaker for your night with Brandon.
Ice cream not-good, you reply.
Say no more, hen. Be there in fifteen. Pick a good one.
You watch TikTokâs until thereâs a knock at the door. Upon answering, youâre swept up in a bear hug that lifts you off your socked feet.
âJohnny!â you cry, laughing a bit in shock.
âThere she is!â he crows, swinging you around. âBeen missinâ my best girl!â
You tell yourself the thrill in your stomach is just from him setting you down. (Itâs a harder sell when it happens again seeing his wide smile and warm blue eyes.)
âYou're ridiculous,â you huff, âIâm not your best girl.â
He arches his eyebrows. âOh, yer keepinâ track, are ye?â
âCâmon, you must have a partner or something?â you prod as you usher him inside.
âKyle mustâve told ye, hen, itâs hard in this line of work,â he explains, shrugging. âTried before but⌠usually they just end up feeling neglected, ya ken.â
You hum. Thatâs why Kyle said you and he would work so well with the open relationship - that youâd still have someone at home while he was out. That you wouldnât be alone if something happened to him.
âAnyway, this is no kinda talk for a cozy night in, now is it?â Johnny says, cutting your melancholy musing short. âCome look at what I brought ya!â
You only notice then the two grocery bags in one hand. He herds you to the couch and sets them on the coffee table for you to root through.
âMy favorite!â You exclaim when you extract the tub of ice cream.
The grin Johnny shoots you is proud. âKyle said so.â
âYou two,â you sigh happily.
Heâs also brought a squishy stuffed animal, crisps, popcorn, soda, candy, and a small collection of self-care items. You hold the face-masks up with a questioning smile.
âHeard somewhere that itâs good for ye, when yer feelinâ down.â You try not to giggle when the last word comes out sounding like âdoon.â He continues, blissfully ignorant. âHope thatâs the right shite, there was a lot to choose from.â
You throw your arms around him, chest warm. âThank you, this is perfect, Johnny.â
He circles his arm around your waist, holding you close. âAnytime, bonnie,â he murmurs into your hair.
You squeeze his shoulders as you pull away, waving one of the mask packets with a wicked little smile.
âWanna try this âshiteâ with me?â you tease.
You expect a resounding and masculine-heavy no. Instead, Johnny tilts his head consideringly for a moment, then shrugs.
âEh, why the hell not?â
You wake up the next morning to a mess of candy wrappers, discarded moisturizers, and an empty carton of ice cream. And the smell of eggs. Cartoons are playing quietly on the telly. When you yawn and sit up, youâre greeted by a cheerful Johnny at the stove, wearing your pink apron.
âMorninâ, sunshine,â he calls.
You flush and smile back, glad that you called him. âMorninâ!â
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#cod#my writing#fanfiction#reader fic#misters steal your girl#kyle gaz x reader#kyle gaz garrick#john soap mctavish x reader#john soap mactavish#Brandon the crash dummy
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