#can someone who knows shadowhunter things PLEASE tell me what’s going on

[tackrusso]

guys what is going on why is shadowhunters and con o’neill trending why does this happen every election day

[dean-is-love]

My thoughts on 9-1-1 and why I started watching

So, I've been seeing 9-1-1 on my dash for some years now. After the Supernatural fandom died down a bit in late 2021-2022, Eddie and Buck started showing up on my dash more and more. Frankly, I didn't really care so much, it was around the time I stopped actively blogging on tumblr.

In early 2024 I was back on tumblr occasionally, checking in with what was trending from time to time - now i'm on here almost daily again - and i saw that 9-1-1 was trending. I vaguely remembered that it was something about firefighters but didn't really pay attention to it.

Then posts started appearing on my dash about Buck coming out as bisexual in season 7, which I thought was amazing. As a bisexual person myself, I really love when there is bi representation in media, and coming out stories are really close to my heart because they helped me so much with figuring out my identity when I was younger.

I was skeptical at first because I thought it was just a one off mention kind of thing - like these things usually are - that maybe he was more of a side character.

Imagine my surprise when I saw that it was a multiple episode thing, that he was actually dating a man - I'll tell you my thoughts about Tommy later in this post - AND that he was one of the main characters of the show.

I knew about Buddie and knew that the fandom would probably be equally as happy and divided about this development.

Because I was procrastinating on my exams HARD and was sick of watching random youtube videos I decided to start watching 9-1-1 to get context for Buck's coming out and hopefully enjoy the show and the shipping while I was at it.

My first surprise was Buck actually being a main character. I think because of how I have usually seen people come out - or rather not come out - in other shows, I was pleasantly surprised.

It's the kind of thing where you can theorize a character being bisexual, but you know the writers are just queerbaiting/never intend to make them actually bi. Characters who are bi in these kind of drama shows are usually bi from the start, if that makes sense.

An example that comes to mind is Magnus from Shadowhunters. He was bi from the beginning, there was no big plot about him coming out - it was just a fact. There are many examples for writers never going through with it, but it's obvious that they are intentionally writing it - two examples are Dean Winchester and Stiles Stilinski.

I have no clue what was going on behind the scenes of this show and I'm not that deep in the fandom (because I don't want to get spoilers for the later seasons), but the fact that Buck didn't start out as a character that they meant to make bisexual from the start is what means the most to me.

I think the early seasons have almost no clues to his bisexuality (i'm on season 3 as i'm writing it).

There is queerbaiting with Eddie and Buck and I think that is pretty obvious from the end of season 2. I think it started in the last episode of the season, when someone was livestreaming and comments about them being cute together popped up in the chat. After that their friendship was suddently more and more in the spotlight.

Knowing now that they -partially- went through with it and actually made Buck bisexual, I don't mind it as much as I would have without knowing.

I really enjoy the representation on this show, it feels more natural to me than other shows I've seen recently.

That being said, I need to talk about Tommy.

Disclaimer he has been in maybe 3 episodes so far so please don't crucify me if I get something wrong about him.

Piecing together information from my dash before watching the show, I had reached the conclusions that Tommy was a) a pilot b) probably a character that was newly introduced in season 7 to date Buck and then disappear forever.

The second conclusion, as sad as it is, is simply how gay characters are treated in these kinds of shows (I mean it happened to Glen in season 2).

So imagine my surprise when Tommy showed up in Chimney's flashback episode. This was honestly huge for me. And yes, he is a side character, at least for now. But I do think that two established ("straight" - the other firefighters mention Tommy's girlfriend) characters getting together is amazing.

I love that they didn't pair up Buck with someone random and instead have him date someone who is already on the show, and has been for a while.

And okay, it isn't Eddie, but if the writers have the balls to go through with Buddie, hats off to them.

But I personally think Buck+Tommy is amazing too, and I'm really excited to get to season 7 to see it all unfold. (I do have a soft spot for Tommy)

I hope that watching so many cheesy speeches about family will pay off in the end, and that I can enjoy the bi Buck storyline to its fullest once I get to it.

[alexanderlightweight]

Hi! Hope your writing and your week are going well. I’m rewatching the show. For a prompt what if when Maryse and Robert tell him he needs to get married, Alec panics and tells them he’s seeing someone. And then tells them it’s Magnus Bane. And then he flees and goes to tell Magnus what’s happened and apologizes, only Magnus is delighted and says something to the effect of “No take backs”

i loved this prompt and i had so much fun writing it

i hope you enjoy

<3 lumine

-

Magnus isn’t expecting Alexander to be the nephilim pounding dramatically on his door when he finally answers it, but he certainly doesn’t mind being wrong… this time.  

“And what do I owe the pleasure of your company to, Alexander?” Magnus practically purrs, leaning against the doorframe and it’s gratifying for the thirty seconds that Alexander loses, just staring at him. As usual, it’s incredibly flattering and then Alexander goes pale, and his eyes look haunted

“Magnus, I messed up.” He whispers, voice hoarse and he looks hunted as he stares at Magnus. “I’m so sorry.”

Magnus isn’t sure what is going on, but those are never good words to hear and especially from a shadowhunter who owes no loyalty to Magnus. 

“Come inside, Alexander.” He soothes, because if he spooks Alec, he may never find out what’s going on. “Whatever it is, I’m sure we can work through it together.” Or at the very least, Magnus can get ahead of it since Alexander clearly came straight to Magnus after whatever mistake he thinks he’s made.

His offer only makes Alexander look more miserable and he’s pacing the moment he’s inside, fingers of one hand brutalizing the tendons of the other.  

“No need for that—” Magnus tells him, a pulse of magic in his voice as he untangles Alexander’s hands and holds them in his own. “Tell me, what happened?”

“My parents came from Idris.” Alexander whispers, eyes wide and a little wild from where he’s staring at their joined hands. “They aren’t pleased with how things have been going since Fray appeared. They want me to help restore the family honor, Magnus. Because to my parents, the honor is in the deed, not the name. They want me to get married for politics, to a woman.” Alexander doesn’t even seem to realize how tightly he’s clutching Magnus’ fingers or how pained he sounds or how his words stab Magnus through the heart.  “Magnus, I couldn’t think straight. I just — they ambushed me. I didn’t know what to do and I can’t get married like that, I’m so sorry. I told them I was already seeing someone and when they asked who, I meant to make someone up or tell them it was none of their business. I didn’t mean to tell them we were together.” And Magnus’ brain nearly flatlines as he finally catches up and understands just how Alexander thinks he’s messed up. “It just slipped out and I know you aren’t serious. That you’re just being, coy or whatever—”

“What do you mean I’m not serious?” Magnus interrupts, because his blood has barely cooled from the idea of Alexander being with someone else — let alone committing himself to anther — and he’s fighting not to grab Alexander and pull him into a kiss. 

Because surely it means something, for Alexander to have said Magnus over all the options he could have used. 

“I— why would you be serious?” Alexander asks, like his confusion makes any sense and Magnus has the sudden realization that the two of them have been reading this very differently from each other. 

“Oh darling, did you think I was merely playing with you?” Magnus croons and he untangles one of his hands, ignoring how Alexander reaches back for him before slowly, wiltingly letting his hand fall. Magnus cups his boy’s jaw and smiles widely, “Alexander, if I was playing for anything, it was to keep you. So why on earth would I be upset, when you’ve perfectly opened the door for me to do so?” 

Alexander seems more shocked than anything and Magnus lets his thumb tease the seam of Alexander’s lips and he smiles at him, at the blush on Alexander’s cheeks and the glimmer of hope in his dark, confused and pained eyes. Magnus isn’t sure why exactly Alexander would think anyone who approached him wouldn’t be serious, but whatever the reason has to do with Alexander’s beliefs, which means Magnus just needs to change his approach. 

“If I wanted a mere flirtation or a dalliance, there are hundreds of willing beings who would happily and easily come to me. If I wanted a challenge, there are plenty of less dangerous options than a shadowhunter, darling. No, I want you, Alexander. So don’t apologize for giving me a reason and a way to keep you.  If anything, I should be thanking you. After all, you’re mine now. Aren’t you?” 

Alexander looks like he’s about to collapse with relief and Magnus lets him get half a nod in and then he’s reaching out and pulling Alexander close, so that he can wrap his boy tightly in his arms and magic and tuck Alexander’s trembling form close to him, Alexander’s face to Magnus’ neck. 

Alexander gives a muted sigh of relief and when he finally embraces Magnus’ back, his arms are tight, like bands of platinum refusing to let himself be parted from Magnus. 

“I have you darling—” Magnus whispers into Alexander’s ear, “and it would take an act of hell, not heaven for me to give you up.”

[laylax13s]

Precious

Torn

------

TW/CW.: physical @bvse, mental @bvse 

---------

“No,” Charles raged as he paced back and forth.

I really should have kept my mouth quiet, Alastair thought to himself as he shifted between his legs worried about his lover's next move.

��Honestly.” He spoke as his face turned bloody red, standing in one place.“ Everything, this is your fault. Why weren't you careful?! Now that bohemian can spread it all around.”

His fists clutched at his side's as his voice began to rise with each word making Alastair wish he could disappear.

He is so angry…

“Charlie.” Alastair whispered barely,“ She isn't going to say anything, I promise.”

Charles slowly walked towards him, as his fingers found their way to his bleached hair,“ I just wish you would listen to me. Everything would be perfect that way. promise me that you will listen to me like in Paris?”

"B..but…” He stuttered… my mother.

Charles sighed," No, but my love, I just wished you were the same back then. The same Alastair who admired what I did for us and appreciated me. You don't even care about me.”

“What?” Shock appeared on his face as he heard the accusations,“ Of course I appreciate what you do.”

Charles continued to brush his fingers against Alastair's hair,“ You know I love you. Do you love me as well?” when he hummed and leaned into the touch.That's when the gentle, loving touch turned into fury, as Charles fisted the blonde hair into a death grip tagging the younger boy closer, “Then why do you make me seem like the bad guy? Huh?” 

He couldn't help but whimper in pain as he let out a sob when the older man pushed him against the wall. A hand locked in hair as another bruising his hip as his hold began tighter each second.

“Tell me?” He practically growled,“ Why put me in such a position if you love me? Now Matthew and his gang of misfits know. All because you couldn't deny it. Everything I did for you, for us is going to crumble.”

Whimpers left Alastair as thoughts of wanting to cry rushed through his mind. Tears threatened to escape his dark eyes. The green eyes stared at him as he suddenly walked away making the younger boy slide down against the wall while he continued cursing under his breath.

Please…

 For a moment Charles turned with a smirk on his face as he walked towards. “Alastair,” he said. “ I'm sorry. I'm worried about us. I'm trying to do the right thing,” He leaned down and placed two fingers under the dark haired boy’s chin to tilt it upwards. “You understand that, right?” he continued. Alastair started shakily nodding, biting his lip slightly. “Good.” was Charles’s final word before straightening up, and walking towards the door where Alastair’s jacket and hat were waiting. He picked them up, and handed them to the still curled up boy on the floor. “You need to leave now, my brother is coming home in some time.” the man stated. Alastair nodded again, this time only once. He stood up, putting the jacket back on, holding the hat in his hands. He walked to Charles, and gave him a quick kiss before rushing out of the room.

  He was about to go downstairs, when he heard the front door opening. His heart stopped for a moment, but an idea came to his mind fortunately.

  The next moment he found himself opening a window and leaning out to check how high he was. It was high, he thought. But there was no time to waste because the person who came in was already on the stairs. 

  Alastair sucked in a deep breath, and decided to climb down. It was easier than he thought, due to his shadowhunter skills. 

  Once he got down, he ran away from the manor as fast as he could. While on his way home, it started snowing. That was when he realised, he left his hat next to the window. Oh no, he thought, what if Matthew notices? But then he remembered, he already knows, the worst that could happen is that he will be furious about Alastair being in his house.

  Someone bumped into him, dragging him out of his thoughts. 

  “Uh, sorry..” the person muttered. Alastair frowned and looked up at the familiar voice.

  “Thomas?” he asked in confusion. 

  “Alastair.” The boy nodded at him as a greeting. Alastair nodded back hesitantly. Then the frown found its way back on his face,

  “What are you doing here?” he asked. Thomas glanced at the Fairchild manor next to them,

  “I’m here with Kit, I’m helping him with his experiments.” he answered happily. “I guess I don’t have to ask why you are here…” Thomas continued with a blush, looking down. Alastair did the same. He thanked his dark complexion once again that his blush wasn’t so visible. But then some kind of anger seemed to be on Thomas’s face. He looked up at Alastair, “I must be on my way. Goodbye, Carstairs.” he said, and walked past Alastair. The latter hesitated for a moment before turning around towards the boy walking away.

  “Hey!” he said. Thomas instantly spun back, with an expectant expression. But with that Alastair suddenly felt nervous. Why did he call for Thomas again? “I- “ Come on, say something, he thought. “Goodbye, Thomas.” was the only thing that came out. The mentioned boy pursed his lips, but nodded and turned back, to enter the Fairchild manor.  

-------

Co creator: @thelasthours-alastair

[bookishjules]

Hey 👋

Idk if you remember me but it's the one who has the 'Simon in the wild' best friend

That's a very vague reference ik. But well I'm here for something else. I haven't been really active on Tumblr recently but well here's the update I'm still bsfs with Simon guy ofc. But who'd have thought I kinda got interested in a guy in my college (honestly surprising) who's from a different major.

Guy doesn't read at all...I mean tries but it's just not his thing (he has one of my books). Though he really appreciates my long essays about books n shadowhunters basically. Like literally yesterday I just mentioned I'm so obsessed with Morgensterns n he wanted to know why ...I asked if he wants the whole reference later or should I cut it short tell rn (we've got our finals) he's like nah I'll prefer the essay , tell me about it later. Idk I just find it really sweet lol.

Hehe well Happy New year Jules ✨✨ hope you have an amazing year ahead

You n Bry are like the cousins I can drop by randomly for some tea (literally and metaphorically).

Lots of love n cookies 🍪🍪

omg hi!!! happy new year to you too!! <3 i was just thinking about you the other day, actually :) glad to know you and simon guy are still besties hehe i will say tho i am very excited about this development..

is there anything like actually romantic going on between you two or is it still friendship vibes? bc idkkk a person who actively wants to hear your thoughts about everything like that... i wouldn't be surprised if he was into you too hehe regardless tho.. having someone you can rant to like that? what a great feeling fr and it makes me happy you have someone you can do that with irl <3

also now i want to read this essay about the morgensterns.. please feel free to return to tea time to rant about that ;) or whatever really! yk i'm always here for both kinds of tea <3 i hope you and simon friend are doing well!!

[secretsofblackthornhall]

Dearest Magnus,

Jem, Kit and I are so looking forward to your visit. In preparation, Kit has been attempting to teach Mina to say your name. She’s almost got it, but you may have to content yourself with being called “Agnes,” as she has trouble with the M — very trying for her as she is so advanced in her speech, just as you say Max was. You should have heard them in the kitchen this morning. “Who is coming to visit, Mina?” “Agnes!” I feel that your alter ego, Agnes, would wear sequins and be absolutely deadly at whist.

Thank you for your thoughts about the wards. I will look for labradorite at the gem store in Exeter. I tried what you suggested with the chickens—I was able to borrow a Blue Orpington from a neighbor on the last quarter moon. Since then chickens seem to be avoiding Kit, so maybe it will work on demons too? (Though can you really tell when a chicken is avoiding someone as opposed to just being a chicken?)

Jem and I are endeavoring to walk a narrow line, keeping Kit safe and hidden while also providing him with the most normal life we can. We don’t want to lock him away in a tower like a fairytale princess—he’d be miserable. And Mina would be miserable, she just adores him and rides everywhere on his back, clutching onto his shirt with her little hands. It reminds me of the way James and Lucie used to ride on Will’s shoulders. I suppose times change, but children never do.

We’re trying to allow Kit freedom wherever we can. He’s enrolled at the small school in the village, where a few of his friends know about the Shadow World and others don’t. There’s a local pack of werewolves who we’ve become friendly with, and some of their children go to school with him. I’ve begun to suspect that Kit has a girlfriend, but he’s secretive about it. (I guess that’s another thing that never changes about children—how secretive they are. I just hope he knows he can tell us anything. Especially related to demons, or in Kit’s case, the fey. A hundred and ten years later and I’m still edgy.)

He’s a puzzle, our Christopher Jonathan Herondale. About some things he’s opened up, and is willing to talk to Jem and me about them freely — his father, and what it was like growing up being able to see all sorts of peculiar things but not really understanding why. About being taught to fear Shadowhunters. About his concerns about his heritage — what it means, what kind of power he might have. I think it frustrates him, not knowing.

Other things he won’t talk about. We have asked him about Ty, as you and I discussed, but he’s like a brick wall about their friendship. Whatever happened he won’t speak of it. I think Livvy’s death hit him harder than we guessed, too. I’ve heard him call out her name in his sleep, always in this very despairing way. Sometimes he’ll say Not if you do this. Not if you do this, Ty. I feel like whatever they fought about, it must have been awful. But people can be terrible when they’re grieving; we both know that.

You can probably tell from everything I’ve said how much I — how much we — love Kit. I just love him, Magnus, like he was my own. He is my own. I’d kill anyone who wanted to hurt him, just as I would protect Mina or Jem with my life. I never thought I’d have this again, this perfect family I love so much it hurts. Strange after so many years to be so surprised by one’s own feelings — but I imagine it’s much the same for you, isn’t it? Speaking of which, I hope you and Alec and the kids are well. Please let Max know that we found his superhero cape—it was inside the piano.

I enclose a picture from your last visit here. How adorable they all are!

Love,📷

Tessa

[madiwritessin]

Adapting Part 3

Fandom: Shadowhunters

Character/s Included: Alec, Magnus, Reader, Raphael, jace, Clary, Simon, Izzy

Word Count: 840

Series: Adapting

Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4

A/N: Triggering Acts are in the next few chapter (SA)

Hearing Raphael yell Magnus raced to the room with Alec trailing behind after being woken up by Magnus getting out of bed as fast as he could. While racing down the hallway Magnus nearly tripped multiple times before reaching the doorway out of breath. Alec rubbed Magnus’ back while Magnus tried to regain his breath. When Magnus and Alec looked at Raphael, Raphael looked at you.

“She won’t talk to me, she just grabbed that picture in her hands and pointed to you both in it to make me call out to you” Raphael said getting up and leaving the room.

“Y/N?” Alec whispered once he and Magnus sat down on either side of her “Are you okay?”

All you could was shake your head and move the blanket off you. Magnus and Alec looked very confused at you. “What happened?” Magnus asked sounding very concerned. You looked at the door waiting for it to close which Magnus did with his magic before you turned your attention back to the two men in front of you.

“When the demons attacked last night we were majorly out numbered. Although we were close to each other during it they managed to separate me from him.” You looked at your hands “They were all little demons we were fighting but once they separated me from him they had pretty much pushed me around a block away from him.” You looked back up at them with tears in your eyes, they grab your hands tightly.

“It’s okay Y/N/N. You’re not alone. You can tell as anything you know that” Alec said.

“They little demons kept their distance but still surrounded me when a much larger demon came towards me. It did things to me; I killed it before heading back to Raphael.” You were now crying and shaking in fear.

Magnus looked up at Alec “Call your mother tell her we need the infirmary cleared and for no one to enter there without getting authority from me. Then call your sister tell her we need an ultrasound machine and to not tell anyone we need it” Magnus tell Alec before holding you tightly and watching Alec leave before yelling “Tell Raphael I’ll create a portal for him to get back to the Hotel”

When Magnus left you got changed into something much looser and headed out just as Raphael walked through the portal to the hotel. You walked over to Alec holding his waist tightly as if you were holding on for dear life. “Izzy says that everyone is out of the infirmary and everything is set up for us when we get there” Alec told Magnus.

Magnus created another portal for you three to get into the infirmary. You let go of Alec before walking through to Isabelle and hugging her tightly. You let go of her and headed to the bed set up. As Alec walked through Izzy started to yell at Alec, “You didn’t say Y/N was the patient. I thought it was just someone you found”

“Iz you never asked who the patient was now please can we get this over with so we don’t raise too much suspicion on what’s happening in here” Alec said before heading towards you with Magnus and Izzy following.

Once the ultrasound was done you pointed at Izzy and moved you finger for her to come towards you and shooing the boys out. Izzy leant down and you whispered in her ear, “Jace and tell him to lock the door once he’s in” She nods at you before leaving.

You watch Jace walked in looking like a mess but smiled at you after he locked the door.  You moved over in your bed so there was space for Jace to lay next to you. Once laying down you placed your head on his chest. He stroked your hair like he use to when you were sick. “You okay?” He asked finally.

You looked him in the eyes “If you call being pregnant with half demon half shadowhunter babies okay then yes im ok”

He held you tighter and whispered “You having two children, shadowhunting warlocks” He laughed, “Magnus is going to be an adoptive grandfather. That explains why he’s looked so scared when I walked past him to get here.”

“If the other shadowhunters here find out they will look at me like I’m a failure” You started to cry.

“No one else will find out just me, Izzy, Alec and Magnus. Magnus will hide you till the babies are born and then you may come back but if you don’t me, Iz and Alec will visit and if I have to and the babies warlock marks are similar to Magnus’ and can be hidden I will claim them as my children okay? Even if they aren’t and we aren’t together we can do this okay? Together” He smiles at you kissing your head lightly.

“And what if the clave asks us to you know?” you whisper

“We’ll get to it when it comes”

[thechangeling]

If I keep my eyes closed

Cw: Mention of sex, mention of comphet, reference to sexual assult (it's super super vague I'm just being careful), and self injurious stimming.

Chapter 2: I don't wanna talk about it

2.  "Where are you going?"

Ty turned his body slightly to look back at the boy in bed next to him. His name was Riley he remembered. His sandy blond hair was tousled from Ty grabbing at it and his perfectly tanned skin was coated in a thin layer of sweat.

He was beautiful. It had been the reason Ty had persued him. But now that it was over and the lust and intrigue had worn off, Ty just felt tired.

Tired and empty.

"I'm leaving," he answered, continuing to pull his clothes back on. "Isn't that obvious?"

Riley snorted and shook his head slightly. "Wow you really don't waste any time do you?

Ty shrugged. "Not really no." He recognized that some people found it offensive when he left as soon as they were done having sex but he honestly couldn't to see the point in staying.

"Are you sure you don't wanna talk about it?" Riley asked. "You know whatevers bothering you?"

And the talking. Why did they always want to talk? It was weird. Ty finished pulling on his shirt and stood up, pulling the Herondale necklace and Livvy's locket out from under his shirt line and smoothing them over.

"No," he responded simply. And Ty was hoping that would be that.

But of course it wasn't.

"Oh come on!" Riley protested. "You sure you don't wanna vent just a little? I mean there must be trouble in paradise with the Herondale who gave you that necklace if you're sleeping with other people."

Ty could have honestly sworn he felt his heart stop.

"What?" He gasped. His head was aching and instantly  dizziness over took him. He sat back down on the bed. "What are you talking about? Why would you say that?"

This was the second time now that someone had mistaken the reason for Ty wearing another Shadowhunters family symbol around his neck. Which he supposed made a certain amount of sense. It wasn't as if Ty could tell them the real reason he wore it. But everytime this happened he felt as though his insides were being pulled apart.

He willed himself not to let the box be opened. Let Kit Herondale stay buried where he belongs.

"No," Ty said again, attempting to keep his voice steady. "No we are not together. This was just a gift from a friend." He was looking down at the ground, incapable of looking anywhere in Riley's direction.

Riley scoffed. "Yeah right. No way he doesn't understand what a gift like that means. He's totally in love with you."

Blood rushed in Ty's ears. He sprung off the bed and grabbed his shoes. He had to get out of here.

I wish I had never met you.

"No." Apparently that was the only word Ty could say anymore. He pulled on his boots and laced them up.

Riley sighed. "I don't get why you're acting like this. Finding out someone is in love with you is a good thing! You should be happy."

Only then did Ty's gaze finally snap up. He stared directly at Riley and glared.

"Fuck you!" He spat with all the venom he had. "Don't you dare tell me how to feel."

Without waiting for a response, Ty marched out into the hallway. He was shaking, his breathing erratic.

"Livvy?" He called out into the air, trying not to be too loud. "Liv please where are you?"

Instantly she appeared at his side, looking concerned. She floated in front of him. "Ty Ty what's wrong?" She looked like she wanted to touch him but then remembered she couldn't.

Panic instantly appeared in her eyes. "Did he hurt you?" Her mind instantly jumped to the worst possible scenario and Ty couldn't really blame her.

Ty shook his head. Despite being dead, Livvy let out a long exhale. "Ok good. Then what's wrong? You seem upset."

She could always read him, even when they were little kids. She smiled at him encouragingly. "It's ok you can tell me anything remember?"

Ty sighed, exhaustion seeping through his bones. He wanted to bash his head against the wall like he used to when he was a kid. Helen would always ball up her sweater or jacket and put it under his head to try and protect him while Julian tried to comfort him.

Alyssa had told him that this was called self injurious stimming and it was best break those habits. But he still dug his fingernails into his skin. He just couldn't help it.

"Everyone keeps asking me about Kit and it just hurts," he confessed.

Livvy bit her lip and began to twirl an lock of hair around her fingers. It was a habit she had ever since she was little. "Do you miss him?"

Ty groaned. "I don't want to be asked about him Livvy! Didn't already make that clear?" Livvy narrowed her eyes at him and rolled her eyes.

"Fine! Have it your way. What do you need then?" She asked.

Ty shrugged. He honestly had no idea. He leaned back against the wall and slid down it to the ground. "The boy I-" he cut himself off, looking up at Livvy. He sometimes forgot that she was still frozen at 15 in her death. Still a kid, still a teenage girl while he was becoming more and more of an adult each day.

It was strange. They were twins, but they were growing further and further apart in age and appearance. Ty was now almost 19. One day he would be in his 30s or even in his 40s and Livvy would still be exactly as she was.

Sometimes Ty wondered if he did the right thing.

Also he had a bad habit of forgetting that most people weren't as casual towards discussing sex as he was. Ty backtracked. "I mean- you know."          

Livvy smirked. "It's ok Ty, I'm not that delicate, just no details ok? Deal?"

Ty's eyes widened in horror. "Yeah obviously. Deal." Livvy floated down closer than him. She couldn't sit down on account of the fact that she would just float right through the floor, but she could put the lower half of her body through the ground so that she was eye level with Ty.

He was used to it by now.

"Basically, the boy I slept with tonight assumed that Kit and I were a couple because I wear the Herondale symbol. And he's not the only one," Ty confessed.

Livvy laughed. "Yeah  I remember! I was there the first time. And then Ali completely obliterated him! That was pretty hot."

Ty blinked rapidly. "Excuse me?" He was a little taken aback by the sudden revelation that his sister found his new best friend hot. Not to mention Alyssa was 19 and Livvy was obviously still 19. And dead.

"You've never expressed any interest in women before," he pointed out.

Livvy sighed. "Yeah I guess I was kind of in denial for awhile. I always thought that I just had an aesthetic appreciation for female beauty."

Ty snorted.

"Anyways I guess I just convinced myself that everyone feels that way. Seems pretty stupid now. And the truth is I don't even really like guys."

Ty's brows furrowed. "Really?" He could remember Livvy constantly going on about how hot certain boys were like Cameron Ashdown and how much she wanted a boyfriend. And then...

"You kissed Kit," he murmered, feeling his heart drop. Livvy's eyes widened.

"You saw that? Oh crap." She sighed. "Ty listen it was just- I don't know I guess I was just curious? I wanted to know what it was like."

Ty closed his eyes. "And?" His voice shook slightly.

What was it like to kiss him he wanted to ask.

What did it feel like to have his lips pressed against yours? What was it like to taste him? What did he taste like?

But of course he didn't ask her any of that.

Livvy shrugged. "It was...fine? I guess? Mostly I just realized I wanted to feel wanted. I like making boys like me. I like the attention. I like feeling wanted. Like I have power over them. But as it turns out in reality, it's not so great. I was just bored."

Ty nodded. "Yes that sounds like what Alyssa calls comphet. Compulsatory heterosexuality."

"Yeah exactly," Livvy said, nodding along. "And men are just easy. Like it's so easy to make them want you in my experience and I guess I like that power trip. I mean, no offense."

Ty cocked his head slightly. "About what?"

Livvy laughed. "I mean.. Ty you're a man. I was just saying that I didn't mean to offend you."

"Oh... right," said Ty lamely. "I guess I just don't think of myself as a man. I'm just me. And besides you're right, they are easy."

"Aren't they though?" Livvy giggled. "Anyways I guess it's like, I was always raised to know what an attractive man looks like so it's easy to notice. And I keep feeling what I sometimes think is attraction but it's more just like an observation or a fleeting thought. Like my brain will run through these scenarios and I think I want it but then in reality I really don't."

Ty ran a hand through his hair. "I think that makes sense. It was similar with me and Alyssa. Mostly I felt close to her so I thought that was attraction but it wasn't." He smirked,."I keep waiting for someone to find out and revoke my gay card. Like I can't really be gay if I slept with a woman and enjoyed it can I?

Livvy scowled. "Hey listen. No one gets to say shit about what we've done or their opinions of our sexualities. Sexuality can be complicated, especially when you throw autism in the mix."

Ty wanted to ask how exactly she knew this when he had never told her his feelings about how him being autistic changed the way he thought about attraction, sex and gender but he decided against it.

"Anyways, the main take away here is just to do what you want ok? No matter what."

Ty felt tears prickle in his eyes. This is what he had needed. To talk with his twin. To be with his other half and feel complete.

"I love you so much," he whispered to her tearfully. He rarely said it out loud. He should probably say it more.

Livvy grinned at him. "I love you more Ty Ty."

He really wished he could touch her. Hold her.

But this was still pretty great.

Tagging: @lavender-scented-rat @thefoxandthefound @littlx-songbxrd @queenlilith43 @arangiajoan   @have-a-holly-jolly-angstmas @tired-vin @phoenix-and-dragon @amchara @wagnerthedragon @sandersgrey @the-wckd-powers @spooky-drusilla

Btw if you change your username and you aren't someone I follow or interact with frequently you will probably be taken off my tag list because I have no way of finding out your new username. So if you wanna stay on my tag list please let me know when you change your username. Thanks.

[myangelbach]

Nothing but Shadows: a master piece

My guilty pleasure in all the TSC world is always going to be "Nothing but shadows" in Tales from the Shadowhunter academy.

Like everything about this tale is just perfect

- Will and Jamie fluffy moment? Gotcha

Father said, serious as he rarely was. “You do not know what it is, to be saved and transformed. But you will. As your parents, we must give you opportunities to be challenged and changed. That was why we agreed to send you to school. Even though we will miss you terribly.”

“Terribly?” James asked, shyly.

“Your mother says she will be brave and keep a stiff upper lip,” said Father. “Americans are heartless. I will cry into my pillow every night.”

James laughed. He knew he did not laugh often, and Father looked particularly pleased whenever he could make James do it. James was, at thirteen, a little old for such displays, but since it would be months and months until he saw Father again and he was a little frightened to be going to school, he nestled up against Father and took his hand. Father held the reins in one hand and put his own and James’s linked hands into the deep pocket of his driving coat. James rested with his cheek against Father’s shoulder, not minding the jolting of the carriage as they went down the country roads of Idris.

- James being sassy and sarcastic? You have it!

“I rather liked the unique hue of our teacher. It reminded me of the green carnations that Oscar Wilde’s followers wear to imitate him. He had one of the actors in, um, a play of his wear a green carnation onstage.”

“It was Lady Windermere’s Fan,” James said.

Matthew was clearly showing off, trying to sound superior and special, and James had no time for it.

- Little angsty Matthew and James? Serving

“James,” James said. “What are all those hairbrushes for?”

Matthew looked at him pityingly. “You don’t think all this”—he indicated his head with a sweeping gesture—“happens on its own?”

“I only use one hairbrush.”

“Yes,” Matthew observed. “I can tell.”

James dragged his trunk over to the foot of his bed, took out The Count of Monte Cristo, and made his way back to the door.

“Jamie?” Matthew asked.

“James!” James snapped.

Matthew laughed. “All right, all right. James, where are you going?”

“Somewhere else,” said James, and slammed the door behind him.

- Fluffy Jamie and uncle Jem moments? Don't need to ask

There was a laugh in James’s mind, and he had not laughed, so it must have been Uncle Jem. James clung to him for an instant longer and told himself he could not ask Uncle Jem to take him home after all, or to the Silent City, or anywhere so long as Uncle Jem did not leave him in this academy full of strangers who had never liked him and would hate him now.

"They would have to be even blinder than a Silent Brother", Uncle Jem agreed. "Because I can see you, James. I will always look to you for light."

- James thinking and loving her mother? Of course you have it

His mother, with her grave gray eyes and her flower-tender face, as quiet as James and yet as ready with words as Father. James might be a stain upon the world, might be something that would contaminate good Shadowhunter children. He was ready to believe it. But not Mother. Mother was kind, Mother was lovely and loving, Mother was a wish come true and a blessing on the earth.

James could not bear to think how Mother would feel if she thought she had hurt him in any way

- James just giving perfect speeches? Literally all the time

“I think Shadowhunters can add beauty to the world,” he said. “I mean, for one thing—we save lives. I know I said it before, but it’s really important. The people we save, any one of them could be the next Leonardo da Vinci, or Oscar Wilde, or just someone who is really kind, who spreads beauty that way. Or they might just be someone who—someone else loves, like you love your father. Maybe you’re right that Shadowhunters are more limited, that we do not get the full range of possibilities mundanes get, but—we get to make the mundanes’ lives possible. That’s what we’re born to. It is a privilege. I’m not going to run away from the Academy. I’m not running away from anything. I can bear Marks, and that makes me a Shadowhunter, and that’s what I will be whether the Nephilim want me or not.”

- Fluffy Jamie and Matthew moments? You don't have to ask!

“We don’t . . . have to be parabatai,” Matthew said, his voice quiet under the sound of the blast. “I said it to make your father take me with you, so I could execute my new plan, but we don’t . . . have to. I mean, unless you . . . maybe want to be.”

James had thought he wanted a friend like himself, a parabatai who was shy and quiet and would enter in on James’s feelings about the terror of parties. Instead here was Matthew, who was the life and soul of every party, who made dreadful hairbrush decisions, who was unexpectedly and terribly kind. Who had tried to be his friend and kept trying, even though James did not know what trying to be a friend looked like. Who could see James, even when he was a shadow.

“Yes,” James said simply.

“What?” said Matthew, who always knew what to say.

“I’d like that,” said James. He curled his hands, one around his father’s coat sleeve, and one around Matthew’s. He held on to them, all the way home.

- Will just being Will?? Definitely not missing

“Father, you did not steal Uncle Gabriel’s carriage again,” said James.

“This is your time of trouble. He would want me to have it, and he would have given it to me if I asked him, which as it happens I did not,” said Father.

- James just being a total badass?? YES AND ITS PERFECT

He found Alastair and his remaining friend, hiding behind a tree. He crept up to them, a shadow among the whirling shadows of wind-tossed trees, and held his sword to Alastair’s throat.

While James was touching the sword, nobody could see it. But Alastair felt the sharpness of the blade and gasped.

“We didn’t mean for any of this to happen!” cried Alastair’s friend, looking around wildly. Alastair was wise enough to stay quiet. “It was Clive’s idea—he said he would finally get you to leave—he only meant to scare you.”

“Who’s scared?” James whispered, and the whisper came from nowhere. He heard the older boys gasp in fear. “I’m not the one who’s scared. If you come after me again, I won’t be the one who suffers. Run!”

I could go on and on cause I swear this tale is perfection in every single line of it. It has so many cute moments, funny moments, badass moments, angsty moments and so many good characters that I believe if CC would want to write this again, she couldn't do it better

[wagner-fell]

I am still very new to this website and I don’t know how link a post but this fic is based on a post by @sandersgrey

(If someone reading this knows how to link a post please either explain it to me or link it in the comments because that post is *amazing*)

“Hmmm,” said Tessa, depositing Mina into Kit’s waiting arms and examining her buzzing phone critically. She shot a quizzical look in his direction.

Jem looked up from his novel. “What is ‘hmmm’, my love?”

Kit mimed vomiting but stopped dead in his tracks when she replied, “it’s Astrid’s mother. You remember her from parent teacher night, don’t you, my darling?” Kit swears they were being extra insufferable just to mess with him but he didn’t have the time to be annoyed when Astrid’s. Mom. Was. Calling. Tessa.

To understand why Kit was panicking as much as he was, you must know that Astrid’s mom was incredibly chill. She never got mad. The worst punishment she’d ever given her daughter was taking away her iPod for a week so she couldn’t listen to Mitski.

Was she calling about last night when Astrid, Mari and Kit threw eggs at the Shadowhunter’s that were giving Mari’s pack a hard time for no reason? No, that couldn’t be it. She’d given them the eggs.

Could the call be about the day before yesterday when Kit and Astrid got distracted doing homework and ended up snapping the coffee table clean in half while battling gladiator style with pool noodles? No, that wasn’t it. She’d just handed Astrid a twenty and told them to go to Kevin’s parents' shop and get a new one. Was she pissed because they ended up spending the money on ice cream instead? No, they ended up finding a table for free in the rubbing bin outside a fancy hotel.

Kit clutched his sister to his chest and prepared for the worst.

“Seo-yoon! What can I do for- Oh, hello Astrid!” Tessa paused briefly, presumably to listen to Astrid speak, and Kit sighed in relief.

“Kit is occupied at the moment but I can relay the message.” Another pause. “Oh don’t be frightened of me. I’m a tots rad mom. Your secret is safe with me.” Kit felt his face flush red as he heard his best friend’s laughter echo across the living room. “Okay! I’ll let him know. He has to get Mina to sleep before he can leave though. Lord knows he’s the only one who can these days.” Tessa chuckled at something Astrid said before wishing her good luck in her endeavour and ending the call.

She turned her attention back to Kit. “Astrid needs your help breaking into your teacher’s home to retrieve her cell phone.”

Kit blinked at her, dumbfounded. “You aren’t mad I’m going to go break the law?”

Because of course he was doing it. Astrid’s dad had bought it for her and he was extremely cautious about money. That was one of three things Kit knew about her dad. He was cheap, he lived in America and he loved the movie Fight Club.

Tessa ruffled Kit’s hair affectionately. “Please. I’ve raised two other Herondales. At least I know about this particular adventure beforehand.”

Mina began snoring softly and Kit handed her back to her mother. He grabbed his bag and started his journey to the door when Tessa added, “she also told me to say hi to a ‘daddy Kit’. Are you ‘daddy Kit?’”

‘Daddy Kit’ closed his eyes and wished for the sweet release of death.

“Why is Kit a daddy,” Jem asked, genuinely confused. “Aren’t I the daddy?”

Kit swung the door open so fast not even a speed rune could have aided him. But not before I heard Tessa reply, “Lily Chen certainly thinks so.”

Mrs. MacNamara clapped her hands together. “Why don’t we all go around and say a few things about ourselves?”

Kit buried his face into his hands. He’d been relieved when no other teacher had fulfilled the Disney channel stereotype of making every student introduce themselves to the new kid. But Mrs. MacNamara didn’t even seem to realize what she was doing.

All Kit’s fellow classmates groan. Expect one. Her hand shot up immediately. She was short, like smaller than Clary short. She wore a baggy pink shirt with the words ‘Queen Glimmer of Etheria’ sewed on with purple sequins and tight black jeans. Her colourful, choppy hair was in a low ponytail and she flew a few strands out of her eyes as her hand wiggled in the hair.

Mrs. MacNamara pointed at her. She stood up and smiled at Kit. “Hi. My name is Astrid. My hobbies include making my little cousin’s girl Barbies kiss, as it should be, and watching television shows where everyone is a terrible person so you can love all of them!”

“And what shows might that be?” asked Kit, already in the process of pulling out his phone and opening the Notes app.

“Grey’s Anatomy, Glee, Grey’s Anatomy again because it’s seventeen seasons as of right now. And to be fair it practically became a different show when they killed off Mark Sloan.”

“That’s enough, Miss Yang,” said Mrs. MacNamara. Astrid sat down and winked at Kit. Then she took out her phone and airdropped him a complete list of all her favorite shows, along with her number.

After Blessica’s pre-birthday birthday party, they went to Cirenworth and stayed up till four A.M. binging them.

They met outside a queer dry bar called Aries Not Welcome, the unspoken gathering place of the Merry Hoes. It was run by a poly lesbian couple in their mid-thirties. Quinn, Sydney and Aliyah may not have served alcohol but at least they were open 24/7.

“Did you bring the shit?”

Kit gave her a look. “The shit? How conclusive.”

“Shut up. You know, the shadowhunter thing.”

“The shadowhunter thing?”

“The, the, the glow stick that you draw with.”

“The glow stick that I draw wi-“ Kit closed his eyes briefly. “Do you mean a stele?”

Astrid snapped her fingers. “That’s it!” Kit shook his head in exasperation, smiling fondly. “I borrowed a torch from Quinn, let’s move.”

“Should I be worried that you know where Mr. Smith lives?” questioned Kit as he followed Astrid’s lead through the park.

“Should I be worried that your mom was fine with us breaking and entering?” she shot back playfully. Kit pushed Astrid and she fell off the path, laughing all the way.

“You called me ‘daddy’ to my mom’s face.”

She just laughed harder, slinging her arm around Kit’s shoulder. “It was over the phone, Christopher. And as I should.”

“Pffffttt. Why did you get your phone taken anyway?” She put her hands into her jumper pocket and looked at the ground. “Astrid.” She remained silent. “Astrid?”

She mumbled something under her breath. “What?” asked Kit.

“I WAS READING NINEJ FANFICTION!” she shouted.

Kit gasped. “I thought you were a die hard Kanej shipper,” he whispered.

“I’m a multishipper, okay?!” she replied, equally quiet.

“Does Blessica know?”

She shook her head. “And she will never find out.”

Kit saw the opportunity and he seized it. “She’ll never find out as long as you never call me daddy in front of either of my parents.”

She removed her arm from his shoulder and guided them out of the park, in the direction of the many apartments that lined this side of town. “I hate you.”

“Well, so does Mari. You're not special, Ast.”

She rolled her eyes. “You know Mari doesn’t actually hate you, right?! They’re just still in the enemy phase of your enemies-to-lovers romance. She only dislikes you because they feel something for you but they don’t know what so she interrupts it as loathing. In reality, her inner soul knows you’re hot and shmexie.”

Kit didn’t know how to process this so he just nodded and follow Astrid in silence to Mr. Smith’s house. (Plus, he was kinda glad that, according to his best friend, he had a little more time for Mari to ‘discover their true feelings’. If Kit screwed this up, he was out of countries to run off to.)

“Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me.”

“What,” asked Kit, turning around to face Astrid and closing the drawer he was rifling through. “Did you find your phone?”

“Yeah. But I also found Blessica’s. She was Snapping Kevin. Platonic my ass. But he took the fucking trans flag out of her phone!”

Kit snatched Blessica’s phone out of her hand to examine it for herself. She was telling the truth. Where the glitter pride flag usually rested was just a clear purple case. Kit couldn’t believe his eyes.

“It’s one thing to misgender her every day.” Blessica had forced all four of the other Merry Hoes to sign a contract saying they wouldn’t do anything to harm him because of it. “But this is the last straw. You know what we have to do.” Oops.

“Yeah, but we don’t have any spray paint.”

Kit eyed Mr. Smith’s pink sofa, blue bar stool covers and white picture frames. “I think I have something better in mind.”

It would have been easier for both parties to just zip off the sofa cushions and tape them to the wall but by ripping them off in strips, they ensured he would have to buy new ones. And judging by the car he drove and the fiji water in his fridge, Mr. Smith could definitely afford it.

That reminded him, “I’ll finish up with this. Go put all his fiji water into my bag.” Astrid saluted him and ran off. “Wait.” She stopped and looked at him. “Steal all the remotes you can find.”

“How is he not awake?,” asked Astrid as they ripped the fabric of his seating from the stool.

He shrugged. “Don’t question it.” He shoved the bundle of cloth into her arms. “Glue this above the pink. I’ll handle the frames.”

“Say the magic word,” she sang.

“Please?”

“No. Lesbian. Come on, I thought you knew me better than that.”

Kit laughed quietly. “Can you lesbian glue this above the pink?”

She grinned at Kit. “It would be my pleasure.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hello! Sorry I haven’t written anything in so long. School just restarted and it has been…a lot.

@adoravel-fenomeno @thechangeling @the-blackdale @the-wckd-powers @thomas-gaypanic-lightwood @im-not-ruined-im-ruination @ithurielkeepsgettingkidnapped @noah-herondale-lightwood @arangiajoan @shelvesofgold @maxboythedog @book-dragon-not-worm @hardlymatters

Very sorry if I forgot anyone. Lmk if you want to be addEd/removEd from the tag list.

[alexanderlightweight]

Hi, I was wondering if you could do a follow up to that post where Magnus and Ragnor are talking about his interest in Alec? And Ragnor texted Alec to set up a meeting between them? I loved the Ragnor/Magnus relationship dynamic and would love to see more!

okay so no ragnor and magnus yet because magnus needs to get the first date (business meeting i mean) out of the way so he can go to Ragnor for more advice and to gush about it and so ragnor can watch (some) of his memories and tell Magnus what Magnus 'omg i want him' glasses aren't showing him. i do love team immortal however and Ragnor is not going to fail Magnus in helping him bag a shadowhunter! i hope you enjoy

-

Alexander meets him where Magnus tells him too and he comes alone. He’s clearly nervous, from where Magnus is watching him, but it’s not the kind of nervous that comes with a trap. It’s the kind that comes from someone who is nervous because they’re excited and afraid.

NEver before has Magnus been so grateful for Ragnor’s wisdom and how he won’t let Magnus accidentally sabotage himself.

“Alexander.” He says and he can’t help the warmth in his voice or the curl of eager delight on the vowels of Alexander’s name. “I’m pleased you’ve arrived so promptly.” He means it, because Alexander is half an hour early and he’s turning to Magnus with surprised softness and he smiles, like he doesn’t even know he’s doing it and then he twitches and looks behind him and scowls.

“We’re not meeting here, right?” 

His voice is terse compared to how soft his smile was but Magnus tuts and waves a hand, opening a portal. 

“I would hardly have such a private conversation with such an esteemed—” he can’t help the way his eyes trail up and down Alexander’s body or that his mouth goes so dry he has to lick it, “guest. Come,” and he holds out his hand and it’s taken by a large warm hand, calloused fingers tangling with his own.

“Great, because we're either both being tailed by circle members. Or one of mine decided they want their ass kicked when I get back. More nephilim are coming.”

Magnus pulls him through the portal because he doesn’t care who it is, they are not interrupting his date!

Meeting.

The very important meeting that is so top secret he’s basically stolen away the Acting Head of the Institute and it’s primary commander. 

“How could you tell?” Magnus asks as Alexander looks around.

It’s a lovely room. All soft lights and glass windows and showing off the landscape of a country Magnus doesn’t think Alexander recognizes from the delight on his face. 

“Oh, I could smell them.” He says, like it’s common for nephilim to act like a vampire or werewolf. “I didn’t want to stick around long enough to see if they were familiar. I’ll know later, I updated our security protocols to active danger. No one leaves or comes into my Institute without me knowing.” 

“Practical.” Magnus compliments when he really wants to say, ‘delectable’ because the lighting highlights the dark curve of the rune on Alexander’s neck. “Now, shall we discuss things first? Get business out of the way for perhaps a more pleasurable time after.” 

Alexander looks confused and Magnus remembers Ragnors advice.

“I find you very interesting, Alexander.” Tempting even, Magnus thinks to himself, “I’ll admit I may have had some ulterior motives in getting you all to myself. Do you drink?”

“Uh, not during work.” And Alexander’s throat is bobbing, his eyes wide and almost panicked, “I— Magnus, I’m—”

“Hush darling,” Magnus can’t help but say and he presses a finger to Alexander’s lips and marvels as they kiss his skin in surprise. “You don’t have to pick just yet. Business first, pesky things out of our way and mind, and then decide?”

Alexander nods and then he sits down, across from Magnus with a little low table between them and Magnus stretches out, letting his body curve so that Alexander can’t look at him without seeing all of him.

It’s a little cruel, considering the wide eyed looks he’s getting and the blush on Alexander’s face.

However Magnus never promised not to tease.

They figure out terms and what they’ll need for the ritual and which ritual to use. Magnus has three for Alexander to pick from, carefully chosen between him and Ragnor.  They all need an anchor, an intimate connection that Magnus will establish between himself and another.

“Jace is going to want to be the anchor.” Alexander murmurs and Magnus laughs, shocked at the point.

“Well, too bad for blondie but he either listens to me and obeys my rules. Or dear friend Ms. Fray won't be getting her memories back and Alexander, the only anchor I will allow, is you.”

Alexander looks both pleased and a little disgusted and Magnus’ stomach curdles that he’d read this part of Alexander’s character so wrong.

“Is something the matter?” He asks, far cooler than he’s been this entire time but Alexander is apparently too distressed to notice.

“This anchor business, it’s not going to tie me to Fray, is it?”

Magnus blinks, waiting for the punchline and then he smiles and purrs, “no, Alexander. The only connection you’ll have is the one with me.”

Alexander seems to miss the connotations because he practically melts in relief and he drains the cup of iced tea he’s been drinking.

“Oh thank the angel.” He mutters and he gives Magnus a look of such pure appreciation that Magnus is stunned. “I’m not sure I could have agreed otherwise.”

Magnus quietly sets out the documents for signatures, more than a little surprised by just how well this is going and he’s a bit worried that Alexander is going to ask to leave as soon as they're done.

Instead, his shadowhunter seals with signature, blood and a personal rune carved into the paper with a stele in a delicate twist of lines. 

“And now?”

“And now, to pleasure.” Magnus charms, summoning two drinks and holding one out, “to us and our future partnerships?”

“Uh, to us.” Alexander agrees with a charming curl of his lips and a brightness that reaches his eyes as he hesitantly clinks his glass with Magnus’.

The face he makes at the taste is so delightfully sweet that Magnus has to hide away a chuckle and he reaches out, plucking the glass away and twirling it until it changes to a smooth, icy plum.

“Try this,” he offers and without thinking, he steps over the table and leans close, pressing Alexander against the back of the chair with the drink pressed to his lips.

Alexander looks like the thought of denying Magnus never crosses his mind as he opens his mouth and takes a sip.

It stains his lips dark and shiny and Magnus feels hunger awakening as Alexander gives him a softer look, full of wonder.

“It’s good.” Like he’s surprised and awed that Magnus cared he didn’t like the first drink.

“Perfect.” Magnus is going to make sure that Alexander enjoys every single moment of their time together, “now, darling. What do you like to eat?”

[oscar-wilde-the-dog]

A Daisy in a Field of Roses (Part 1)

Matthew Fairchild x Lightwood!Reader

Summary: Reader goes for a walk in Regent's Park for some alone time, only for Oscar and Matthew to show up

Word Count: 1.2k words

Growing up with an older sister like Anna Lightwood, you had never felt too pressured to fit societal norms. Your parents never forced you to either. Some days you wore pants and an elegant waistcoat, others you wore lovely dresses and a corset. Frequently, you would stay in your Shadowhunter gear after morning training, it being the most comfortable option.

Beyond your fashion choices, you had more freedom than most girls your age regarding your whereabouts as well. No one batted an eye if they spotted you at the Hell Ruelle, a faerie female around your neck, or when you snuck off at an Enclave ball with the Merry Thieves.

So it shouldn’t have been a surprise when Matthew Fairchild found you wandering around the Regent’s Park alone one evening.

You had glamoured yourself, preventing any mundane eyes from noticing your presence. It had always felt strange to you that there is an entire race of people who do not know you exist. Sometimes you preferred to remain unglamoured, allowing the gazes of strangers to pass over you. You enjoyed it occasionally, the feeling of being seen, like you fit in with the world around you.

Tonight you wished to be hidden from everyone’s sight. You had informed your parents before leaving the Lightwood residence that you were staying at your sister’s flat near Soho and wouldn’t be home for dinner. You often told your parents you were staying at Anna’s when you were in need of a long walk and some alone time. Even though they trusted you, you knew they worried. You had picked up this habit a while ago after coming home late one night from the Hell Ruelle and noticed the witchlight in your parents bedroom still on. Ever since, you do everything you can to make them worry less, even if that means lying to their faces.

You were wearing a petal pink tea gown as you walked around the park, occasionally stopping to pluck a daisy for your little bouquet you were gathering. You were squatted down grabbing another flower when a dog leapt onto you from the front causing you to fall backwards onto the soft grass, dropping your growing bouquet. Before you could even blink the dog was leaving slobbery kisses all over your face making you giggle and scrunch your nose.

“Oscar! Off! Leave the poor girl alone!” A familiar voice calls from behind you triggering a wider grin to spread across your face. You pushed yourself up into a sitting position letting Oscar fall into your lap.

“Yeah Oscar, don’t you know it’s rude to interrupt someone when they’re picking daisies?” You joke scratching behind the golden retriever’s ears, his tail thumping the grass next to you.

“Y/n?” The voice questions, confusion lacing his words as he nears you. It's not everyday your dog randomly attacks a girl with affection at the park and it turns out to be your close friend.

“Math?” You respond turning your head to look at your friend. Matthew’s face lit up into a grin when he recognized your face, his eyes moving from you to the dog in your lap. He chuckled as he reached the both of you, sitting beside you on the lush grasses of Regent’s Park. He stretched out his long legs beside you, leaning back on one hand as he reached forward with the other to pet Oscar.

Nudging you with his foot he asks, “what are you doing meandering through Regent’s Park after sundown? I thought you were more of a Kensington Gardens girl.” You roll your eyes looking down at the happy dog in your lap.

“I wanted to be alone for a while,” you respond hesitantly, weary of saying the wrong thing.

“I’m sorry Oscar ruined that for you,” Matthew teases, “we can leave if you want. I was just taking him for his evening walk, I didn’t expect to run into anyone.”

“Neither did I,” you laugh pushing your sleeve up to show him your glamour rune on your forearm. He chuckles in response. “Please don’t leave, this has been a pleasant surprise,” you shrug. “Plus I would never turn away Oscar,” you remark before he can respond, scratching behind the dog's ears and kissing him on the snout.

“I knew you loved him more than me! Oscar you must tell me your secret, how do you get y/n’s undivided attention?” Matthew jokes leaning forward and wildly rubbing the golden retriever’s fur. Oscar rolls over onto his back in response, his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth as his owner indulges him in belly rubs. The overstimulation is evident, but there is pure elation in Oscar's eyes as his person shows him some love.

The sight makes your heart burn with affection, not only for Oscar. Glancing up from the dog laying half on your lap and half sprawled on the grass, you let your smile fall a bit as you study the features of your friend in front of you. His green eyes shine as he looks at his four legged friend, his lush lips pulled into a wide smile. Your eyes travel a bit further until they reach his hair— oh, how badly you want to run your fingers through it. The golden strands blow softly onto his forehead due to the light breeze of the evening and it takes all your strength to not reach over and push it back into place.

"Is there something on my face?" Matthew questions pulling you out of your thoughts. He had caught you staring you realize, color beginning to rise to your cheeks.

"No, it's just your hair," you respond quickly.

"The wind has ruined it hasn't it?" He asks, raking his hands through his hair. "I apologize you have had to witness me in such a state."

"Math, I have watched you throw up in Thomas's hat, forget you threw up, and put the hat on your head. I think I have seen you look worse,” you chuckle.

“Do not remind me. I have never gotten over the waistcoat that was ruined during those drunken events,” Matthew says, dramatically clutching a hand to his heart.

“Don’t forget my dress you wrecked that night as well!” You exclaim, smiling brightly.

“It is entirely not my fault that you were in the splash zone,” he points his finger at you a gleam in his eye.

“Forgive me for wishing to comfort my friend, I’ll remember this the next time you’re wasted,” you tease.

Rolling his eyes, Matthew lays back resting his head on his arms. Watching his owner closely, Oscar moves next to his side, laying on his back. Matthew grins reaching one hand down to rub the dog’s belly.

Watching the interaction makes your heart flutter. The realization of your feelings causes your head to spin and fingers to go numb. A shiver runs through your body catching Matthew’s attention.

“Hey what’s wrong y/n/n?” He asks sitting up in concern. “Are you cold? I can make Oscar go lay on you for warmth.”

Abruptly, you push yourself up to stand. “I just realized I am late for tea at Anna’s, I must get going,” you reply quickly. Turning on your heel, you start the trek to exit the park in the direction of your older sister’s flat.

“Y/n, wait!” You hear Matthew shout, but you’re already through the gates.

Matthew Taglist: @agentsofsheilds

[faejilly]

WIP Game

so @mirrorofliterature tagged me in the truly lovely 20 First Lines meme, but I haven’t actually posted more than like four things since the last time I did that one, however many weeks/months/years ago that was, so I’m going to tweak it, and combine it with the WIP game that’s perennially wandering around.

Rules: Post the (title) and “first line” of all the files in your WIP folder. Let people send you an ask with the # that most intrigues them and then post a little snippet of it or tell them something about it!

*Some of my numbers have multiple entries because they’re separate files but they’re supposed to be the same fic. Or were. Or might be. Or something like that.

Anyone who’s interested can feel free to either do this version or the usual title version and do please blame/tag me! (Normal Rules For Copy-Pasta if Desired: Post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Let people send you an ask with the title that most intrigues them and then post a little snippet of it or tell them something about it! and then tag as many people as you have WIPs) and no way in all seven hells am I tagging 20-30+ people, SO: no pressure tagging: @arialerendeair  @twistedsinews @shadoedseptmbr @leahazel & @elfyourmother but only if you’d like.

And behind a cut because I kept clipping more than just the first line because I’m weak and also sometimes my first line is legit kind of a paragraph. 😅

1. (Alessandra epilogue)

“It had been twenty years.”

2. (After Arrival)

“If I had to do it over, I’d do the exact same thing. What does that make me?”

“Alive.”

3. (Weaver 5+1)

"Commander!" The Captain raises his voice, and the woman across the mess turns, approaches, fires off a picture perfect salute. Anderson returns it, turns toward Alenko. "I want you to meet someone."

4. (oats or lily?)

"So what was the wedding like?" Isabela leaned back in her chair, putting her feet up on the low table in front of her, the heels of her boots making a lovely soft thump against the wood.

5. (Untitled)

Jasper had been quite honored to realize he was assigned to the Princess of Arland herself. The Princesses were always such lovely guests, dutiful but seldom dull, young and hopeful and exactly the sort of people Katyia had most wanted to help.

*6. (priest!kink theology?)

It begins with a prayer.

&

(priest!kink failing to be pwp)

Demons don't test the New York Institute.

7. (rather a rose than live forever)

The first time Magnus Bane met the High Warlock of Manhattan it was during his "travels", the two years after graduating from the Academy when most Nephilim wandered from Institute to Institute, seeing how things were done differently around the world, how they were still so often the same, learning about all the things you couldn't see in a classroom.

*8. (clizzy epilogues)

Even 3am doesn't offer any relief from the weather.

&

Izzy knows she shouldn't go to Clary's art shows. But Jace went to the last one, and had seemed to feel better afterwards, and Izzy would like that, to feel better.

9. (2x20 aftermath/date night/pandemonium porn)

Magnus' phone buzzes, off and on in a syncopated rhythm, hard enough it seems to be dancing across the coffee table, sudden enough Alec startles and pulls back until he's sitting on the other side of the sofa rather than draped pleasantly across Magnus.

*10. (wing!fic)

“Alec.” Alec can hear his own voice has gone breathless as he introduces himself to Magnus Bane, can feel himself smile, and he doesn’t have a fucking clue what his face is doing but he can’t stop it, he’s just…

He’s flaring his wings.

&

(wing fic deruning sprint)

There was a side effect to deruning a Shadowhunter.

*11. (fake hating CUTS)

Alec's parents are offended by the terms of surrender the Edomai offer.

vs.

(fake!hating)

"No." Jace snarled, stalked away from the table towards the window, ignored the soft sigh behind him. "I won't let you."

12. (fall fright fest (practical magic au))

When the sun rose, Camille was gone, and Magnus made himself let go of his blankets.

13. (owl!alec)

Jace has nightmares.

14. (all the stories are true)

Once upon a time, they say. All the stories are true, they say.

Even the ones you wish weren't.

15. (Alec something or other)

From Maryse he learned how to think and talk like a Seelie, how to never lie, and yet never give the truth away.

16. (procedural-ish)

The first time Magnus Bane saw Alexander Lightwood he was half in shadows, dusty light coming through dirty windows only hinting at the shape of broad shoulders and a mess of thick dark hair adding an extra uneven inch to an already impressive height.

*17. (rubbish heap)

She's so beautiful.

&

Alec hated vid-conference calls.

&

Magnus took, a scrape of his teeth along Alec’s jaw, his hands on Alec’s belt, a hard push of his chest to hold Alec in place when Alec leaned forward into Magnus’ touch.

&

Alec has to figure out what to do with all the flowers.

&

Alec grinned across the courtyard at Jace, exchanged quick glances with Izzy and Clary.

18. (kisses (firsts))

The first time Alec sees Magnus put his make-up on by hand, it feels like a revelation.

*19. (mermay 2: and wishing is having)

Magnus wakes some time in the middle of the night.

&

(mermay 3)

He starts research Sea Magic, trading and borrowing and visiting the Spiral Labyrinth to dig through the archives.

(mermay 4)

“He has my Heart.”

*20. (iafy 18)

Alec loved this damn bathtub.

(iafy 19)

from: rasantiago@dumonte.org (Raphael Santiago) cc: [Lightwood-Bane List]

21. (soulmate 6+)

It was beyond strange to just walk up to the New York Institute.

*22. (arranged marriage WIP)

Alec has always carried the weight of his family's expectations. 

&

Even in the packet the Spiral Labyrinth had sent over, all double-speak and false modesty and carefully crafted turns of phrase, it was clear Magnus Bane was the best of the available options to replace the retiring Head Warlock.

&

Magnus had made it a point to get to the Hunter's Moon a little early, so he could ask Maia her opinion on the Lightwoods in general and his-- and Alec in particular, but apparently he wasn't early enough.

23. (this dream is climbing sky)

That first night they lost themselves in each other, in the Forest, in magic washing over and through them.

//

And I’m stopping there, even though I do have about ten or so more files, because they’re either very rough prompts that don’t even have proper sentences yet, or they’ve been put into the WNIP folder, aka works-not-in-progress because almost two dozen is already too much for my poor brain after all 🤣😅😭

CONCLUSIONS:

I am either (trying to be) very pithy or I do go on, don’t I? Very little in between. Clearly character focused rather than anything else, though there’s some worldbuilding heavy lifting in some of those AU options. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad? Probably depends on how the rest of the fic goes, and I’m quite sure some of those will be drastically different if/when they ever actually get posted.

Questions? Comments? PROMPTS OR DESPAIR TO SHARE? idek anymore guys, have I mentioned lately that brains are weird?

[where-theres-smoak-2]

Darkling Character Analysis

Full disclaimer, I’ve not read the books, though I have ordered the first so I am hoping to have read that soon. But just so you are aware this character analysis is based entirely on the show version of the character. Obviously there will be spoilers for all of season one. Also I just want to say that my aim with this analysis was to sort of get into The character’s head and so alot of this is just what I think the character might have been thinking, feeling and what his motivations may be, it does not mean I agree or disagree with his actions. When I am giving my view on his actions I will try to make it as clear as possible. Also this is just my interpretation of the character and my own opinions on the character, it is ok if you disagree. So obviously this is an analysis of the character The Darkling but I am also going to be talking about his relationship with Alina so I guess its also a sort of analysis of their relationship too just solely from Aleksander’s side of it. I will be using all of the names he has interchangeably because he has so many that I don’t know which one to stick with (seriously haven’t seen a character with this many different names since Jace from Shadowhunters) so sorry if that’s annoying. Fair warning this one is probably the longest analysis I have ever written and they are usually pretty long so I would suggest if you are going to read this maybe get some beverages and snacks first. I mean I think it shows how compelling and interesting a character he is that I was able to waffle on as long as have about him. But yeah its long. Of course you can also always scroll on past. But if you would like to read it then the rest is under the tag. 

Ok so first off I think the show does a really good job of building up the character in the first episode by giving us some information on The Black General before we and Alina officially meet him, they really give the character this air of mystery by giving us only a small amount of information about him but also by not letting us see his face. We get small tantalising glimpses of him, a shot of his boots in the mud, his carriage passing by, the back of him with his cloak billowing in the wind as the skiff enters the fold. It’s just enough to peak the audience’s interest. But most of what we learn in episode one is from what other character’s tell us. The very first mention we get of The General is from Mal and it’s a very small detail but I actually think it can tell you alot about The Darkling’s character. When Mal and Alina come across the Grisha practising Mal says ‘They’re always picking on us when their General’s not around.’ This seems like such a throwaway comment designed to show us how the First Army feel about Grisha and paints this picture of the Grisha thinking they are higher and mightier than those who are not Grisha. But it actually suggests that if they only do it when The General is not around then he does not tolerate Grisha bullying First Army. That he doesn’t think its ok for them to act like they are higher and mightier than those who are not Grisha and that he believes in humility even. Which I think is really interesting. This tracks with Nadia’s comment later in episode three when she says that General Kirigan insists that the Grisha eat peasant fare to keep them humble. Yet while he encourages humility he also makes sure that the Grisha have everything they need in order to flourish and he obviously cares a great deal about the Grisha, I feel like rising the Grisha up and making them strong has been pretty much his only drive and motivation over the hundreds of years since the fold was created. 

The other thing we learn which is repeated a couple of times by a few of the characters is that The General cannot bring down the Shadow Fold. In fact I think there are two conversations about it. The first between Inej, Jesper and Kaz when Jesper asks why the General hasn’t taken it down to which Inej replies ‘Have you ever put out fire by adding more fire?’ The other conversation is more flippant and is between Dubrov and Mikhael, where Mikhael sarcastically says the General is there to save the day and Dubrov asks if he’s going to tear down the fold. So on two occasions we have characters believing the General is powerful enough to fix the problem of the fold only for them to be corrected and told that he can’t. It seems like the show wants to make it very clear that the General will not be destroying the fold and I could be reaching here but this could be foreshadowing for later when we learn he doesn’t desire to bring down the fold.       

Of course even after the first episode the character of the Darkling still remains a bit of a mystery. He’s the kind of character where the more you learn about him the more questions you have. This tactic of giving us small pieces of information about him, just enough to keep you interested continues throughout the season and of course you have the twist in episode 5 where its revealed that he’s the ‘villain’. And yes I did put villain in quotation marks because I personally feel like its too simplistic a term to use for the character. I do feel like he’s more than just a two dimensional villain and there is alot of complexity to the character and his actions just for him to be considered the ‘bad guy’. 

So lets have a look at some of those actions and think about what might have been his motivations and what he might have been thinking and feeling. I want to start with one of the more controversial of his actions and as a warning this is a sensitive topic. One of the earlier things we find out about is that General Kirigan gifted Genya to the Queen. I’ll be honest when I first watched this scene I was so caught up in the new character and what was going on in the scene that I didn’t think much about Genya’s comment about being a gift to the Queen but when I thought more on it later I realised that it was a rather dark idea, that you could gift a person to another person. It becomes especially darker later when you find out what Genya suffered at the King’s hands. I kept wondering a few things, one being why the General would gift a child to the Queen in the first place, two whether he knew what the King was when he put Genya under the royal family’s care and three if he didn’t why he didn’t remove Genya when he discovered what was happening with the King. I do feel that we didn’t get enough information in the show (I don’t know if there’s more information in the books) to really answer these questions but I’ll give it my best shot. Firstly why would the General gift a child to the Queen? Well I actually think this one is easy to answer, he needed a spy within the Royal Family. We know that Aleksander has suffered and been betrayed by a king in the past. He won the Old King a war and in turn that King turned on not just Aleksander but on his people too. I feel like Aleksander was blindsided when this happened and he just didn’t see it coming and because of that his people were slaughtered. It would make sense then that the General would want to keep an eye on the royals and get a warning if they were planning on turning on Grisha again. I also think this is why they refer to Genya as a ‘gift’. That was just the wording the General used to manipulate the royals. Here’s a gift that I am granting you out of respect and to honour and please you, is going to go over a lot better than hey here’s a spy I want in your household. Genya is essentially the General’s trojan horse. As for it being Genya as oppose to someone else, like a trained adult Grisha, well I think that’s because it would be easier to get the royals to take a child into their household than an adult, even as a gift. They will be alot less suspicious of a child than they would an adult. Also they might bond with a child and therefore treat them as more of a confidante as time goes on. As well as that Genya had a very specific set of Grisha abilities that made her perfect for a vain Queen. I may be wrong on this one but thinking back to my history education I think I remember being taught it was fairly common during the time period if a young lady was discovered to have a particularly special talent, like say singing for example, they may be given as a gift to the Queen as this may gain favour for the maiden’s family if she is made a lady in waiting. So if I am right about that then whilst it might seem strange to us it may have been a fairly normal practise to the characters. I mean Alina didn’t seem shocked when Genya said she was a gift to the queen it was learning about the King that upset her. 

Also I do wonder if some of the reason why he placed her with the royal family was because he believed she wouldn’t fit in with the other Grisha, she does say that she is almost as rare as Alina. I don’t know for sure but maybe the General suspected she would struggle with being different from the other Grisha and so decided the best way to help her grow and flourish was by giving a special mission of her own. 

Ok so what about question 2? Did he know what kind of person the King was when he placed Genya under his care. In my opinion I don’t think he did. I am basing this on how he always seems to want to make Grisha safe and wants them to flourish and also due to his actions with Alina when things between them became more intimate, we know that consent is something Aleksander cares about. So to me it would be out of character for him considering how much he cares about the Grisha and consent for him to knowingly put Genya under the King’s care whilst having the knowledge of what would happen to her. I feel like he would also consider it as a disrespect towards Grisha from the King for him to harm a Grisha woman like that especially as she was ‘gifted’ to them. Also when Alina herself asks a similar question in episode 7 when she says ‘did you think Genya was safe when you placed her under the King’s watch?’ To me I think the Darkling looked somewhat upset that she would think that he would knowingly put Genya in that situation. However I do think that by the time Alina was discovered and brought to the Little Palace he was aware of what was going on with Genya and the King as he makes that comment about Alina remaining at the Little Palace with him to train undisturbed. The way he said undisturbed made me think he thought the King might decide he wanted Alina and the General was warning the King away, making it clear that if he wanted the fold destroyed he would have to leave Alina alone. His actions here in protecting Alina also make me think that he didn’t know at the time of placing Genya with the Royal family what would happen to her. He doesn’t want to make the same mistake with Alina that he made with Genya. 

As for number 3, why didn’t he remove Genya from the King’s care once he did find out about what the King was doing? I saw a few comments about this. All of them saying the same that because he didn’t get Genya out he was as bad as the King and was complicit in what happened to Genya. But I actually think it’s more complicated than that. For one thing technically he did remove Genya from the King’s care when he had her poison the king and then made her Corporalnik. Though obviously he didn’t do it immediately. We’ve got no timescale as to when he find out so who knows how long they were planning this. But also there was one line in episode 3 that I think answers this question best, when the General says ‘I may lead the Second Army, but the King is still the King.’ Whilst the General is powerful he still only has so much power over the King. He needed the King’s permission just  to have Alina at the Little Palace and for her to train, which is what the demonstration Alina had to go through in episode 3 was all about. I don’t think the General had the power to just walk into the Grande Palace and take back Genya. The only way he was getting Genya out of there was by killing the King. Also correct me if I am wrong but I feel like what the King was doing to Genya was a large part of the General’s motivation for poisoning the King. I mean we weren’t given much information about the King other than what he was doing to Genya, which made me think that’s why he was poisoned as we weren’t told about any other bad things the King had done that might lead to the General deciding to poison him. I think once he found out what the King was doing to Genya he allowed her to be the one to carry out the poisoning knowing that she would want revenge rather than trying to remove her right away and potentially causing tension with the royal family and also making it harder if not impossible for Genya to be the one to exact her revenge on the King. I guess what I am saying is its possible that Genya was the one who wanted to stay because she wanted to be the one to kill the King. I mean that’s the impression I got from her conversation with Alina where she says ‘I waited for years for my chance at revenge.’ For all we know General Kirigan might have offered to remove her from the Royal household and she might have told him she wanted to be the one to help him take down the King. Whatever his motivations were and however much he may or may not have known I think we can all agree that him ‘gifting’ Genya to the Queen was a mistake. I personally feel like it was more of a similar mistake to when Alina burned the maps. She had good intentions, she did it to protect someone she cared about, but in the end she caused others harm. With Alina she wanted to protect Mal and her whole unit was killed. With Kirigan I think he hoped a spy in the Royal household would protect the Grisha but in the end Genya was harmed by the King. One question I do have is whether Kirigan feels any guilt over what happened to Genya, whether he regrets his decision. I mean we did see him protect Alina from the King when he insisted she remain at the Little Palace. But was that just because it was Alina, the Sun Summoner? What if it were someone else. For example say the King came to the General and said he had taken a fancy to Marie, or Nadia or Zoya, and asked for them to be sent to the Grande Palace, would the General have agreed or would he have made some excuse as to why they couldn’t go, maybe even sent them on an assignment to protect them? There’s no way we can really know the answers to these questions as we just don’t know enough about the situation. All we know is that the General ultimately decided to get rid of the King but even then we don’t know for certain what his motivations for that were.   

I suppose you could say that him plotting against the king and conspiring with the apparat to usurp the throne was also a ‘bad guy’ move. But to be honest after telling us everything that the King did and just generally presenting the royal family in a negative light, I was surprised that Alina had such a problem with what the General did. To me it didn’t make sense for her to be upset and using that against him. I mean after learning what he did to Genya I was fully on the Darkling’s side when it came to killing the King. If they were trying to present this as a ‘villain’ move on the Darkling’s part then they did a poor job of it because I completely understood where he was coming from with that one. 

I felt a similar way with his other big ‘villain’ move when he expanded The Fold into Novokribirsk. At first I found it hard to have sympathy for them considering literally a couple of minutes before we were being shown that the soldiers were planning on murdering everyone on the skiff as soon as it docked. Couple that with the fact that Zlatan had arranged to assassinate Alina and once again I found myself on the Darkling’s side, I mean screw Zlatan and his soldiers. It was another case of it wasn’t until I rewatched it that I realised the villainous part of what the Darkling did was that there were civilians in the city that were also killed. To be honest I do wish that the show had done a better job of showing those civilians to really get across the horror of what the Darkling did. I mean on a rewatch I could see a few civilians mixed in with the soldiers but they were blended in so were hard to spot. I guess that was the purpose of Zoya having family in the city, to tell the viewer that there were innocents there but I just don’t think it made enough of an impact. I feel like if they had focussed in on actual civilians running and being swallowed by the darkness as well as the West Ravkan soldiers it would have had a bigger and more horrific impact. Instead it just kind of came across as the bad guys who had been built up as being bad throughout the season, who were rebels and who had tried to kill the main character, were finally eliminated. Lets be real if Alina had been the one to take out those soldiers we would all have been cheering. Lets talk about Game of Thrones for a moment as an example (spoiler alert for GOT here) however you felt about the way Dany’s descent into madness was written one thing the writers did right in The Bells episode was focus on the civilians that Dany was killing on the ground. They cut away from Dany completely and stayed on the ground with her victims and so you get that impact of what she has done, you see the horror in what she has done and I think this is something that would have worked well with Shadow and Bone. If they had just cut away from the skiff for a scene showing the civilians, the victims that were being effected by what the Darkling was doing then I think I would have been more shocked and effected by his actions. 

Ok so lets focus back in on the character and talk about what his motivations might have been for Novokribirsk. Why did he expand the Fold and take out the city? Well again I don’t think its hard to answer that question. We have to remember that he is a General that is fighting a war on three fronts. He’s fighting the Fjerdans on one side, the Shu Han on another and then the cherry on top is that the West Ravkans are rising up in rebellion. It’s already hard enough having to fight two enemy countries without also having to split your forces again to deal with a rebellion. The General knows that they are already overstretched without having to split their force again to deal with Zlatan. So if you look at it from his point of view striking down Zlatan now before the rebellion gets too large is a tactical military move. Also the fact that it is such a violent move will act as a deterrent for any remaining rebels who might think of trying to restart Zlatan’s movement. As well as to Fjerda and Shu Han, a this is what we do to our own people when they act against us so think about what we might do to you if you cross us, kind of deal. As for the innocent civilians that were in the city well I think the Darkling would convince himself that it was a numbers game. He might have killed hundreds of civilians but as far as he sees it he has spared thousands of lives that would have been lost if they had gone to war with West Ravka. By now the General knows the cost of war, so to him sacrificing a few hundred civilians is worth the price of saving thousands of his soldiers. Of course there is another motivation for the General, one that is less military strategy and more personal and emotionally driven. As Kaz says he was a man fuelled by vengeance. These soldiers standing on the dock had turned their back on Grisha and even worse than that they had tried to kill Alina. In the scene where The Darkling is talking to the Conductor and the Conductor admits to agreeing to assassinate Alina for a million kruge you can see how angry this makes The Darkling. This idea that someone would harm Alina for something as material as money is unforgivable to him. I said in a previous post that I wondered if the General always planned to expand the fold into Novokribirsk and I actually think the answer to that is no he didn’t. I actually think he was trying to make up his mind about what to do about Zlatan and his rebels, its possible he had a number of strategies to go with and was trying to decide which to choose, with expanding the fold being the most extreme of them. I actually think this here is the moment he decides to go with that plan. As he walks away from the Conductor and the Conductor asks ‘tell me how I can help’ The Darkling replies ‘you already have.’ I actually think what he meant here was you’ve helped me make up my mind. Them daring to harm Alina was the linchpin.         

Which brings me to the next part of this analysis, The Darkling’s manipulation and relationship with Alina. One of the great things the show did with the Darkling’s character was making him so complex and nuanced that the audience is in very much the same position as Alina when that reveal is made about Aleksander being the Black Heretic. Just like Alina (if you haven’t read the books) you are left sort of blindsided. Also just like Alina the audience is left wondering how much of it was a manipulation. Was all of it part of his manipulation? Or were there some moments that were real? Did he care at all about Alina or was he just interested in her power? 

Well I will say this, while I do think he always planned to manipulate her, I don’t think he ever planned or tried to use seduction as part of that manipulation. I think we have to remember that he was waiting for the Sun Summoner for hundreds of years and I think he spent that time creating his plan for her and her power. We also have to remember that when he was creating this plan he was expecting to find a child. I think his plan was to earn her trust as a mentor and build a confidence between them. I think he planned to bring her up with his ideals, to bring her up believing the best thing was to use the fold as a weapon, to bring her up to always want to protect the Grisha and to bring her up to embrace her power. However this whole plan had a wrench thrown in it when he does finally find Alina and she’s not a child, she’s a grown woman and one that has been taught her whole life that the Sun Summoner’s purpose is to tear down the fold. Changing the ideals and beliefs of an adult is alot harder to do than a child. On top of that I think he does develop real feelings for her. But these feelings get in the way of his plans, which makes everything all the more complicated for him.        

Lets go to the moment they first meet. I do think right from the get go he is intrigued by her and mean I think when you watch the scene you are so focused on Alina and what she must be going through and feeling, how scared she must be being dragged in front of this powerful General that she’s only ever heard stories about, that we don’t think about what this moment meant to the General. I mean he has been waiting for this woman for so long. She could be the solution to all of his problems, a fix for all of his mistakes. She has been his one glimmer of hope in the vast darkness of eternity. And now she’s here in front of him. Jessie said in an interview that Alina felt a connection to Aleksander right from the beginning, but I think he felt a connection to her too. I think you can even see the moment they make that connection and it’s when he takes her wrist in the tent.

Once he takes her wrist they never break eye contact even as he draws her sleeve up higher, their eyes are glued to each other. Then they both pause for a few beats and again just stare at each other.

The tension between them is so thick it almost makes you want to yell get a room at the screen. It’s like they both suddenly felt something click between them, a oh I know you, kind of moment. But I also feel like Aleksander is a bit surprised by this feeling, he wasn’t expecting it. They don’t break eye contact until The General cuts her arm releasing her power and causing her to look down in surprise. But almost immediately Alina brings her eyes back to his. One kind of cool little detail I did notice is that you can see the reflection of the beam of light in both their eyes.

It’s like a thread connecting them both, I don’t know why but it sort of reminds me of that red thread of fate legend. But also with them both having dark eyes the beam of light reflected in them sort of reminds me of yin and yang. The other thing of note is the General’s facial expression when he sees her power. Whilst everyone else is looking on is awe and surprise, he looks almost content, definitely happy and maybe even a bit hopeful. To me he kind of looks like he’s just had all his prayers answered. 

I think Kirigan is further intrigued by Alina in episode two when she talks back to him with that rant about maybe he hasn’t found anyone with her power because they didn’t want to be found. I think its the first time in a long while that anyone has stood up to him and not just said yes sir. I actually found it really comical how surprised he was when she said no to him. You just know he hasn’t heard that word much in recent lifetimes. But I do think this plants those first seeds of him seeing her as an equal to him. I think this is where he starts to see her as not someone to bow at his feet but someone who belongs at his side. Then when she confesses that she hid from the testers because she didn’t want to feel even more alone I think he really saw something of himself in her. I mean you can see his facial expression shift. I think this furthers his idea that she is meant to be at his side, that she is the same as him and I think even at this early stage he begins to hope that maybe she is someone who will understand him as no one else ever has. In that moment he is determined to make sure she doesn’t ever feel alone again and that is why he tells her ‘you are Grisha, you are not alone.’ You can see from the passion in his voice when he says it that this is something very personal to him. 

However despite this connection he feels to her and the care I think he has for her too, he does manipulate her. I think one of the more obvious manipulations happens in episode 4 when he takes her to the fountain. Something that is worth noting is that before setting out on their ride Aleksander takes off his Kefta. Their Keftas in the show are presented as their armour, so I think it was a very deliberate move on his part to sort of send the message to her, look I’m taking my armour off for you and I am being vulnerable and open to you. He furthers this by giving her his name to create this familiarity between them. Then he takes her to a place that is personal to him and then he really gets into his manipulation game. Here’s the thing though, I feel like most of the time when we think of manipulation we think of lies. But sometimes the best way to manipulate a person is through twisting the truth and I think this is what he does here. From their conversations so far I think he has figured out that Alina feels like an outsider and that she fears being alone and not fitting in. I definitely think he uses this information to manipulate her by telling her the story about how he used to go to the fountain as a boy after he discovered he was descended from the most hated Grisha in Ravka and wished to be anybody else. He knows that Alina will respond to this story, that it will make her feel sympathy for him and also make her feel like he is someone who understands her and therefore someone she can trust and rely on. He is also most definitely being deceitful in that he knows she thinks he is talking about being related to the Black Heretic when in fact he is the Black Heretic. However that doesn’t mean that what he said was untrue. I really do think he used to go there as a boy and wish to be someone else. As for being the descendant of the most hated Grisha in Ravka well my theory there is that he could actually be talking about Morozova. In the flashback in episode 7 Aleksander says that he and Baghra are his descendants and that means that if he created the amplifiers than Aleksander could create an army. Baghra gives the warning that Aleksander will die like Morozova. This makes me think that Morozova died in quite an unpleasant way, maybe even killed because he was feared and hated. I mean sure the Black Heretic is the most hated Grisha in all of Ravka now, but whose to say there wasn’t someone who came before him? Another Grisha who was hated like the Black Heretic is now. And maybe when Aleksander was a boy he discovered he was the descendant of Morozova and that was a burden on him, so much so that he wished he was someone else. 

I also think he was being genuine when he talked about how he is never seen as the solution only a reminder of the problem. I mean we’ve seen this ourselves in episode one its one of the first things we learn about him, that he can’t bring down the fold. I also think he’s being truthful when he says they always need someone to blame but again he’s twisting this truth. Alina thinks he means he is being unjustly blamed for not being able to fix the Fold but I think he actually is talking about how the Old King turned on him. I’m also sure over the years many people have blamed him and the Grisha for all the ills the world has suffered. But I do think he really meant it when he told her that he wouldn’t let the world make her the new Heretic. I think making sure that doesn’t happen is something he cares deeply about and I think it shows that he does have some care for her that he is so determined that she doesn’t go through what he did with the world turning on him. 

Slight diversion here but I do want to talk about whether or not this hatred the world has for him is justified, I mean he did create the fold and that fold has killed alot of people since its creation. So surely just the fact that he created the fold is enough to solidify him as the villain. Well I think that depends on why he created the fold. I mean we get three different versions of how and why the Fold was created. The first one we hear is in episode 4 when Alina tells us the story that is taught to children in school. They say that history is written by the victors, and whilst I personally don’t think there were any victors in the creation of the fold, The Black Heretic disappeared with its creation, presumed to be dead, so the Old King probably considered himself the victor and was left to decide the history. Therefore this story was most likely the Old King’s version of events. In this version of the story it talks about how the Darkling hungered for more power after being made the Kings military advisor and this made the king fear that the Darkling would try to overthrow him. So he put a bounty on his head and that of anyone who stood by him. Eventually the Heretic realised he was outnumbered and decided to create an army using forbidden science. But he failed, creating the fold and killing himself and countless others. The second version we get is from Baghra and it is similar to this one. She says that he created the Fold to use as a weapon, that he tried making an army with merzost and that he didn’t think about what that would do to the people who lived there, that it turned the men, women and children into the Volcra. That she had warned him there would be a price and that he didn’t listen. She also says that he took a noble’s name to hide after. Baghra’s version paints Aleksander as power hungry and as someone who will stop at nothing to get what he wants no matter the cost. But there are somethings I think its worth noting about her version. The first is that it is very brief, sort of like the cliff notes version, as they are in a hurry and she needs to get Alina out of there pronto. She doesn’t have time to go into all the details so she tells her enough to convince her to leave. Which brings me to my second point, Baghra’s motivation here is to get Alina to flee, so logically the best way to do that is to tell her the worst parts of the story and leave out anything that might make Alina feel sympathetic towards Aleksander and therefore hesitate about leaving. Another thing to remember is that Baghra whilst she might know somethings wasn’t there for a lot of it, she didn’t see Luda killed by the soldiers just knows that she was killed and she didn’t witness the confrontation between Aleksander and the soldiers. However what she did see likely had an effect on her. There is one moment in particular during Baghra’s story where she becomes emotional and choked up, there are tears in her eyes and you just know she is reliving a bad memory and that is when she talks about the women and children who were turned into the Volcra alongside the soldiers. Think for a moment about where Baghra was when the fold was created. She was inside the sanctuary with the women and children who were hiding from the soldiers. Which means that she would have witnessed them turning into the Volcra which must have been a horrifying scene. 

Eventually we get to episode 7 and we learn what really happened when the fold was created and the story is more tragic that first told. I mean first you have the whole situation with Luda. He obviously loved her deeply and I can only imagine how painful it must have been to see her murdered right in front of him and to feel that guilt of her dying because she was protecting him. I mean the words ‘just mortal’ now make me want to burst out crying anytime I hear them. Then he gets to the sanctuary and there’s all these Grisha there that need protecting. I think he feels a responsibility for them. Then his mother reminds him that they are not fighters, they make things. Which gives him the idea of creating an army using merzost. It is worth pointing out here that when telling the tale to Alina Baghra says that she warned Aleksander that there would be a price for using merzost, but when you actually see the conversation what she says is that whilst the small science feeds them merzost feeds on them. This suggests that the price to be paid is by him. So yes he was aware there would be a price but he assumed he would be the one paying it. I think if he knew that the people inside the sanctuary would be turned into Volcra he might not have gone through with it. This is another thing that makes the story even more tragic. Aleksander was driven to create his own army by his wish to protect his people, but he lost control and ended up destroying the very people he was trying so hard to protect. Another thing I noticed when Alina is telling the story of the heretic in episode four when she gets to the part about the Heretic being killed along with countless other you can hear what sound like screams in the background, also Aleksander looks really sad and guilty. It is also right after that he says he had devoted his life to undoing the great sin aka the creation of the fold. We see this look of guilt again when Alina confronts him in episode 7 about being the one to create the fold and therefore responsible for the deaths of her friends and parents. You see him look to the floor.

 I really do think that he has alot of guilt about the fold, he sees it as a mistake.  We see both Baghra and Alina make the claim, the fold was no mistake. But in episode 7 we learn that it was, Aleksander did not deliberately set out to create the fold. It wasn't his intention. It seems to me that he wanted to bend the will of the soldiers to his, to make them his own army, but I think he lost control due to the emotional state he was in at the time. I mean right before the soldiers were threatening to murder all the people inside, including his mother, and were mocking him about Luda’s death. He was grieving, he was angry and he was fearful for his people. We were told the fold was born out of greed but lets be real it was born out of grief and out of pain and anger and fear. 

So if he considers it such a big mistake why doesn’t he want to tear it down? Well I think its two fold. On one hand he might be afraid of what he’ll see. It’s like Kaz says to Zoya ‘it’s dangerous to go looking for the dead. What you see may haunt you for the rest of your days.’ Tearing down the fold will reveal all the destruction he caused to the land and to the people who lived there, he’d have to really confront what he did to his own people. But I think another motivator is what he said about undoing the great sin. I think he thinks if he makes the fold useful then at least it would have made the ‘deaths’ of his people mean something somehow. If creating the fold cost them their lives then maybe by making it a weapon that can be used to protect Grisha will make their ‘deaths’ a worthwhile sacrifice.

Ok so diversion over, lets go back to the Darklina relationship and how much of his actions were a manipulation. We’ve already established that he was being manipulative when taking her to the fountain and was telling her twisted truths. But if we stick with episode 4 there’s the scene where she comes to visit him at night in the war room. This whole scene I actually think he was being completely genuine. I don’t think any of it was part of his manipulation of her. First off is the way they are both dressed. They are both in their nightclothes which gives this idea of them being more intimate and more exposed to each other. I said above that the Kefta is seen as the Grisha’s armour, well here neither one of them are wearing their Kefta. They have both taken off their armour and are letting each other in. When Alina first finds him he is looking over the war map and you can see that he looks troubled, which you know fair enough considering he’s fighting a war on two fronts, having to deal with getting supplies through the fold and how to deal with the rebels. I love the way he looks at Alina when she comes in though, its just so soft and I feel like he feels instantly calmer when he sees her. But then he starts talking about how he’s been fighting the war alone and lost friends, about how their own people are turning on Grisha just as their kin once did and he is clearly thinking back to when the Old King was hunting him and his people. When the shadows start creeping in I think his pain is very real, I don’t think this was an act at all and once again if you listen closely you can hear those faint screams in the background. Then Alina dispels the shadows with her light and repeats his words back to him, ‘you are not alone.’ I think in this moment he truly does feel like he’s not alone. That he has found someone who understands him and who is his equal, who is like him. So he reaches out and cups her face and tells her he’s been waiting for her a long time. But then she pulls away and says she should go. I think Aleksander is afraid at this moment that he has frightened her away or that he misinterpreted the situation and he becomes very confused. So when she lingers at the door he goes to it and contemplates calling her back, just as she struggles with whether she should go back. But then she walks away and I think he thinks that maybe he was wrong and she doesn’t feel the same as him and he is a little angry with himself for losing focus and for feeling something for her and so he locks the door between them.  

Another question I asked myself was whether he always intended to put the stag collar on her and to control her powers. In my opinion this one has a bit of a yes and a no answer. I think he kept changing his mind. He clearly knew that by killing the Stag and putting the amplifier on her he would gain control of her powers. As I said early I think his first draft of the plan, shall we say, was to find the Sun Summoner as a child, to gain her trust as her mentor and teach her that the Fold is a weapon to be used as opposed to something that needs to be torn down. If he had found her as a child he would have had a lot more control over her and could shape her into what he wanted. However when they find the Sun Summoner she’s an adult and believes that its her fate to tear down the fold so he has to do a rework of his plan. On top of that he’s got this problem that she clearly doesn’t want to be the Sun Summoner she has no interest in saving anyone and she just wants to go back to being a mapmaker in the First Army. I think it is during that speech where she talks about him transferring her power to someone else that he starts to look into whether that is possible. But as he gets to know her more I think this changes again and he starts to feel things for her and I think he starts to believe that they want the same things and that maybe taking control of her powers won’t be necessary. I think the turning point for him is in episode 5. In the breakdown video of their first kiss Jessie says Alina goes to the General’s rooms because of what happened the night before in the war room where they had a moment in episode 4. Alina wasn’t sure what that moment meant and so she was seeking out Aleksander because she was intrigued and wanted to know if there was something there. Aleksander is once again clearly happy to see her but I do feel like there is some awkwardness there because of what happened in episode 4 and because he feels like he had misinterpreted things and maybe was too intense with her. It’s an interesting dynamic because as Jessie says in that video in this moment he is the vulnerable one. One moment in particular that I think shows this vulnerability is right after she helps him into his Kefta. Again going back to the whole the Kefta is armour thing. When Alina first enters the room like in episode 4 she is wearing her dressing gown she has come to him with her armour off so to speak. He is also out of his Kefta and this early conversation is playful where they are joking about Ivan and the Volcra. But after she puts the Kefta on him is when his mood shifts a little and you see him kind of tug the Kefta tighter around himself. I feel like he was trying to protect himself because the more time he spends with her the more vulnerable and confused he feels, he’s feeling alot of feelings he hasn’t felt in a long time and I think he knows by now that he is well on his way to falling in love with her and this scares him a bit because he has lost loves in the past. Him putting the Kefta back on is like him attempting to put that armour back on. There is another way of looking at it too though. It’s worth noting that on this occasion Alina is the one helping him put the armour/Kefta on, like she is the one giving him protection. Then he turns around Alina is alot closer then he anticipated and you can actually see him struggling to even form words. Then she leans in close to him like she's about to kiss him but changes her mind and walks into the other room leaving our poor guy more confused than ever. Then Alina makes the speech about how she finally feels like she is part of something bigger and that they can offer hope to the Grisha and to Ravkans. In this moment our girl was talking straight to our boy’s heart. I think this is all he has ever wanted to hear her say, especially the ‘we can offer hope.’ I think he really means it when he says it means a lot to him and you can hear the passion in his voice when he says ‘you mean a lot.’ Of course when she looks down he once again becomes afraid he’s overstepped, gone too far and so he tries to backtrack with ‘to everyone’. And well we all know what happens next. Alina kisses him and as he says after he is surprised and not many people do surprise him. I think there is something about this woman that just makes him lose all his senses until his whole world becomes about her. I feel like throughout episode 5 Aleksander feels like he’s gotten everything he’s ever wanted. Because maybe she does feel the same way he does, maybe she wants the same things he does, maybe he has found his life partner, another immortal who will always be by his side, finally he’ll never have to feel alone again. I think the moment I decided this fool was definitely in love with Alina was the look on his face when she enters the room and he sees her in his colours for the first time. After watching her demonstration I think he does see her as his equal. He’s in complete awe of her and the only time he looks away is to look at the Monarchs to see their reaction. Basically from the moment Alina kisses him to this moment where he is seeing her take command of the room and truly showing her power, having people bow to her, Aleksander is living his best life, he’s on cloud nine. 

Then he gets word that someone has located the stag. We don’t see the scene where he gets informed of this but you can imagine he probably can’t believe his luck. Not only are things perfect between him and Alina but now someone has found the amplifier. But I feel like he gets a bit of a reality check when he discovers that Mal is the one who found the stag and he’s now here in the Little Palace. I feel like Aleksander sort of came crashing down to earth here and realised he might have a bit of a problem. Once again he’s having to do a quick, rapid, rework of his plan. Which brings us to another moment where the Darkling is being manipulative. He uses Mal to find out what Alina’s favourite flower is. I mean I suppose you could argue that he’s only doing what every other person does when they want to get a gift for their crush and don’t know what would be best, ask the best friend. But all jokes aside this move was clearly calculative on The Darkling’s part. But I couldn’t help but wonder why he decided to use the Irises. What was his motivation here. It’s clear that he has already won Alina over seeing as she was kissing him not to long ago. Well I said earlier that I think he changed his mind about using the collar on her. I do think after their conversation in episode 2 where she talks about how she didn’t want any of it and could he transfer it he thought she was going to be a problem and difficult so maybe he should look into finding a way of controlling her power. In the beginning she was focussed on her old life and I feel like she didn’t have much loyalty or care for the Grisha, it took her awhile to accept who she was and she was also struggling to use her powers. All she wanted was to go back to Mal and I think this may be why, or at least part of the reason why The General takes their letters. For one he didn’t want her to go back to him and so making her think that Mal didn’t care would encourage her stay put and discourage any ideas of leaving. I mean given her comment in episode 3 where Alina asks Genya if anyone had ever escaped the Little Palace, which the General overheard, its not that surprising that he would decide to confiscate any of her correspondence out of the Palace in case she was organising a breakout with Mal. Secondly as I said she was having trouble using her powers and I think after reading the letters maybe he figures out that its because of Mal that she is struggling, so he either stopped the letters because he wanted her to continue feeling abandoned by Mal and therefore he was hoping she would shift her dependence onto him or because he knew if she let go of Mal then she would be able to control her power more and more power for Alina means more power for him to control. This was all very manipulative on his part and obviously not the actions of someone who cares about Alina’s feelings but at this point she wasn’t Alina to him she was the Sun Summoner, a tool to be used and he was thinking as a General who had people and a whole country to protect and if that meant putting the collar on this stranger then so be it. I think he set out to win her trust to make it easier for him to put that collar on her when the time came. But then as he got to know her more, started catching feelings for her and after their conversation in episode 5, I think he decided that maybe he wouldn’t need to use the collar after all. My theory is that he got her the flowers and he took her to the war room instead of the dinner because he was planning to tell her some of the truth. I don’t think he was going to tell her about who he really was and about him being the Fold’s creator but I do think its possible that he intended to tell her about the Stag and maybe even try to convince her about using the Fold as a weapon. So I think he just wanted to put her in as good a mood as he could if that makes sense, sweeten her up before he brought it up. Also telling her about the Stag means telling her about Mal. I think he actually felt a little threatened by Mal because having read their letters he knows how she feels about Mal. So he wants her attention as much on him as possible. I think he very much felt like his dream was slipping away. As for the make out on the war table moment, that could have also been an attempt to keep her sweet on him like the irises. But as I’ve said before Aleksander seems to lose all his senses when he’s with Alina. When he’s with her the only thing he’s focused on is her, and I personally think it was just a case of he really wanted to kiss her. Some of it might also have been to reassure himself that those feelings between them were real, especially now that Mal has shown up. I mean they are both so giddy and happy when they break apart for him to answer the door that I find it difficult to believe that the whole kiss was a cold manipulation, he was grinning like a school boy. My favourite kiss between them (as steamy as their make out session was) was actually the one where he comes back to kiss her one last time. This is right after he has learnt that she was the target of an attack that happened inside of his Palace, which is the one place where his people are supposed to be safe. I think in that moment he just needed to reassure himself that she is safe, you can see his desperation in the kiss. There was just something so soft and pure about it. If I am sure about anything is that one was definitely real, I may have small doubts about the other kisses but that one kiss was 100% true.   

Things only get worse for Aleksander in episode 6 when he realises that Alina is missing. I think how he behaves in this episode tells us alot about how he really feels about Alina. He becomes somewhat unhinged when she goes missing and only becomes more so the longer she is gone from him. His sole focus is on her and finding her, to the point where he kind of forgets about anything else as we see when Fedyor comes to report about Nina, The General has completely forgotten there were other missions and things he was dealing with. Later when he calls Zoya to tell her to prepare a team to track down ‘Alina’s abductors’ and she puts forward the suggestion that Alina ran by herself, he doesn’t even consider it a possibility. The idea that she would willingly leave him is just too hard for him to wrap his head around because as he says to Zoya he is sure he knows exactly how she feels. He is usually the composed, unfazed General but he very much snaps at this moment and I think reveals more than he intended to Zoya, who clearly looks surprised by his outburst. He even says himself with Alina gone he’s not himself, he’s feeling unbalanced and tense without her. So when Zoya offers to help him relax he tells her that he’ll relax when he has Alina. I think its important as well that he says Alina and not the Sun Summoner. It’s not the Sun Summoner he’s lost without its Alina. When he finally catches up with Kaz and is told that Alina fled on her own you can see how shocked he is at this.

 And even then he has trouble believing it because he once again asks where she is and its not until the line ‘It was pretty clear she wasn’t interested in being a captive any more’ that it begins to set in for him and you see his shadows creep in. After you can see the heartbreak set in and then the anger.

 This anger only grows when he learns that she is with Mal and that she is going after the Stag. I think he very much feels like everything has been snatched away from him in a blink of an eye. I think he is angry that he was blindsided by it and he’s angry that he let his feelings for her cloud his judgement and distract him from his plans. Because of his feelings for her he might now have ruined all his plans and, as he would see it, risked the safety of the Grisha in doing so. Naturally its back to plan A of forcing the collar on her, because no matter how he feels about her he can’t let that distract him from his mission to protect the Grisha again. 

However no matter how angry he is at her and how hurt is is that she ran from him, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about her. I see alot of arguments that he can’t have loved Alina because you can’t hurt someone you love like he did when he put the collar on her. But I’m calling BS on that one now because the people you love are the people who can hurt you the most, especially when they are hurt or angry. It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t love you it just means they are human and make mistakes. However that doesn’t mean you should tolerate those mistakes or brush them under the rug, absolutely they should be called out for them and held accountable for them and I am really glad that Alina does do this. The Darkling's anger at her is what drives him to find her and to kill the stag himself so he can collar her and I think this anger builds up whilst he is away from her, again showing how unhinged he has become without her. But I feel like some of that anger ebbs away a bit when he does find her and once she is in front of him again. That moment when he finds her and the stag and Mal is hurt and he calls out to her that she can’t save them, that as powerful as she is she does not have the power to heal. He is obviously thinking back to Luda here. Because as powerful as he was he was not powerful enough to save her, in that moment he was utterly powerless to keep her from dying. I think despite how hurt he is he cares about her too much to watch her go through the same pain and grief he did which is why he offers to heal Mal if she gives him the Stag. The similarities between the two scenes (the one with Alina, mal and the Stag and the one with Aleksander, Luda and the king’s men) are clear and I think really have an effect on Aleksander. I think when he says that Mal was only protecting Miss Starkov there are two interesting points. One is the use of the term Miss Starkov. This is a name he mostly called her when they barely knew each other and I think he is trying to distance himself from her again by making things more formal between them. The other thing is that it draws a parallel between both Mal and Luda. Both Mal and Luda were just trying to protect the people they love and Aleksander clearly doesn’t think either one of them deserved to die for it so he lets Mal live. 

Another scene I want to talk about real quick is the one right before he puts the collar on her. This scene is eerily similar to when they first meet. Once again they are back in a tent. Once again the scene starts with the Darkling’s back to her and with Alina in the hands of a guard/s. I said before that I think alot of the reason why he decides to collar her is because she doesn’t share his views and he feels like he needs to control her so he can weaponize the fold and save his people. That he was angry at himself for believing she might be his equal and share his goals. I think this scene where he talks to her shows that. The fact that he lowers himself to her level I think shows that he does see her as an equal. Then he talks about how together they could end all wars and protect their own and asks isn’t that what she wants. I think he is still clinging to that belief that he wasn’t wrong and that they did want the same things and maybe some part of him was still hoping he might not need to use the collar. But then she asks if they are going to tear down the fold and you can see the disappointment on his face because he understands now that she won’t see it his way. So instead he deflects the question and I think this is the moment that cements his choice to collar her.  

Further evidence that he does still care about Alina comes when he puts the collar on her. This is obviously a very distressing and gruesome scene. What he is doing is obviously wrong and I think deep down he knows it too. He can’t bear to look at her as it happens and so her turns away and its the second time he does as he also looks away in guilt when he threatens Mal. I don’t think he can handle her looking at him like he’s a monster and he can’t cope with seeing the betrayal and hurt in her eyes. It is also worth noting that I think part of the reason why he goes through with putting the amplifier on her is like he said to Mal, he thinks that over the years she will come to forgive him. Now this conversation where he talks about how she might take years to forgive him but he had patience also tells us that the fact that he is hoping for forgiveness shows that he knows what he is doing to her is wrong, that it is something that will require forgiveness. When he comes to see her later in her tent, can we just talk for a moment how nice that tent was, I mean he really went all out for her with lace and flowers like he somehow thought that would make up for him fusing a antler into her collar bone, but again even the fact that he gives her all these nice things shows that he wants that forgiveness and the way he approaches her as well is cautiously, like you would a wounded animal. He knows he’s hurt her and made her angry so he comes in with sweet words of compliments, telling her how special she is, and very quickly comes to know that she’s not having any of it. I mean that look she gives him when he first comes in, if looks could kill he’d be six feet under now. But I really do think he did go to her just because he wanted to talk to her, despite his words to Mal about having the patience to wait however many years it will take for her to forgive him, he wants to fix things between them now. He doesn’t want her to be angry with him and he doesn’t want her to be in pain. He’s desperate to get back what they had in episode 5. Also I think its important that we remember that until that conversation with her in the tent he didn’t know that she had discovered who he really was, so when she ran he believed that she had ran because she wanted to be with Mal which I think contributed to his anger at her and his feeling of betrayal. He couldn’t understand why she would want to be with someone who he believes never appreciated who she really was and who is mortal and will eventually just be a blip in her very long lifetime, instead of being with him who is her equal and immortal like her. This is another occasion where I feel like he gets a bit of a reality check and realises that she didn’t run because of Mal, she ran because of his own lies. So all that anger he felt at her ‘betrayal’ was unjust. But then I think he feels a different sense of betrayal in how easily she believed Baghra. I mean looking at it from his point of view she didn’t come to him and ask for his side of the story or demand an explanation she just trusted Baghra and ran. He is clearly desperate to make her understand and you can see his composure begin to fail as he stands and tells her that everything he is ever done has been to make Grisha and Ravka safer. I really do think that line was true, he really does believe that what he’s doing is the right thing for his people and his country. You can feel his frustration and desperation continuing to build throughout the scene as he pretty much pleads with her to understand and can see that she doesn’t. I think the part that really hurts him though is when she says ‘we could have had this, all of it. You could have made me your equal, instead you made me this.’ This line is so powerful and I think its at this moment that he realises just how badly he has messed up. To be told that his actions are the reason why he hasn’t got her, the one thing he wants more than anything else in the world right now. Also the line of making her his equal I think would have hit him hard because he did see her as his equal and so I think he’s surprised that she believes that he didn’t make her his equal and then when she says ‘instead you made me this’ he realises that whilst he might have seen her as his equal he wasn’t treating her as one. His need for control made her a slave to him and I really think that in this moment he is realising that, I genuinely think this dumbass got so caught up in his own dream of what the two of them together could be that he didn’t realise that whilst he thought he was protecting her and helping her grow into this saviour for their people he was taking away her choices and he was making her feel like a captive, the dummy didn’t think to ask how she felt about any of it because he assumed he already knew, it was the same as what he wanted, to protect their country and people. So his anger when he says the line ‘fine make me your villain’ isn’t just directed at her but himself too. It’s not just his hurt and anger that she doesn’t understand his reasons and that she isn’t seeing it his way, it’s also because he knows it was his own actions that lead him to that moment when the woman he loves is standing in front of him and looking at him like he is a monster. He can’t go back and he can’t undo it and worse than that he can’t seem to get her to understand why he did it. I think he feels trapped and so the only thing he can be to her now is her villain. 

It’s after this conversation that his demeanour towards her changes and you can see that he sort of stops trying to win her over. He’s not as gentle with her, I mean he ties her to the deck of the skiff and answers mockingly when she points out it’s not a good look for him with the ambassadors. I did notice though that after that conversation he seems to have trouble looking at her. When they are walking to the skiff and he tells her that Mal is being held captive and will be released if she does her part, he isn’t looking at her but straight ahead and this is something he does alot when he is threatening Mal. The moment when he takes off her cloak he does glance down at her. I seen alot of debate about that scene, as it does come across as having a bit of sexual tension in it and some people thought it was a rather sexy scene whereas others pointed out that he was holding her captive and mocking her. Me personally I actually think its both. People talk about how it has to be one or the other. But yes in that scene he is holding her captive and that part’s not sexy but there is a moment where I feel like he still feels that draw to her. Before reaching up to undo her cloak it seems to me like a hesitates for a moment. When he goes to whisper in her ear that he doubts they’ll notice her feet and I think he feels that pull and that attraction to her and he is really close to her, I don’t think he’s been that close to her since the war room in episode 5. You can see him lean slightly towards her and I think he really is struggling with the desire he feels for her which is why he steps back with the cloak rather forcefully, like he's having to force himself away from her again. It kind of reminded me of the scene where she helped him into his Kefta. So no the situation itself is not sexy but I do still think there is tension in the scene because the attraction they feel for each other didn’t just disappear despite how hurt and angry they are at each other. It’s like their words are saying one thing but their body language is saying another. 

When they are in the Fold again at first The Darkling avoids looking at her particularly when he is forcing her to use her power to create the tunnel of light. His focus is on The Fold. Again I think this shows that he is determined to not let his feelings for her get in the way for his goals, yet he knows he is taking away her free will and her choice and that’s hurting her so he can’t really stand to look at her. Its the same when she asks to tear down the fold and he answers why would they destroy the best weapon they have. Again he doesn’t look at her when he says it because he knows that he deceived her by letting her believe that was what they were going to do and he doesn’t want to see the disappointment and betrayal in her eyes. Again this is something he does alot and look, I love The Darkling’s character, I do, but that doesn’t mean I can’t recognise his flaws and for me I kind of saw him as a coward for this. I mean if you are going to deceive and manipulate a person and force them to do something you know they don’t want to do, then at least have the decency to look at them. He does however look at her when she tries to save Novokribirsk after he lets the fold consume it. He stops her and you can see the anger when he says they are traitors who tried to kill her and that this action was retribution. I think he hates the fact that she is trying to save the very people who tried to hurt her. But again he looks away from her when he sees the way she is looking at him and how horrified she is by what he has done. 

Their very last interaction is when she uses the dagger to cut the amplifier from his hand and shows him what she is and that she’s the one the stag chose. He sees this as her betraying their people which is interesting because at the end of the episode Alina says that Kirigan turned on his own people. So they both believe the other turned on their own people, the problem here is that I feel like Alina feels more loyalty towards the non Grisha Ravkans, she still sees them as more her people due to spending more time as just a ordinary mapmaker then as Grisha but the Darkling has more loyalty towards the Grisha. Its like how you know parents aren’t suppose to have a favourite child but we all know they do. Well I feel like the Ravkans are Alina’s favourite child and the Grisha are the Darkling’s. Of course they still care about the other but their ‘favourite’ is their priority if that makes sense. By the end of the season when we see the Darkling emerge from the fold I think he is feeling very angry and very betrayed by Alina, however I actually think the fact that she bested him has only made him look at her as even more of an equal than before. Not only is she someone who will stand up to him but now she has become someone who can match him. I do think he’s in this very complicated situation where he is on an opposite to the person he believes is essentially his soulmate. However as much as I think he does love her I still think he will put his people above her and so will continue to act in what he considers to be the best interests of his people. It also seems like he’s got some new powers and was able to create shadow soldiers which again is interesting because he basically just accomplished what he meant to do in the first place when he created the fold, he’s created his own army. 

Ok so that’s all for now to be honest I could talk about the Darkling forever but I think this is already long enough so if you have read all the way to the end thank you for your time. I am thinking of doing other character analysis posts so keep an eye for that if its something that interests you, I think I might do Alina next. I’ll also post my thoughts on the book once I’ve read it.        

[erricdraven]

ooooh okay 11 recovering from an illness/injury + T secret relationship + 34 “Is that blood?” pretty please ❤❤❤❤

i was immediately inspired by this and i hope it does your request justice! thank you lovely! x

READ ON AO3

If Alec were a different person, he wouldn’t be in this situation at all. It didn’t do any good to think such things, but he did.

If it weren’t for his secret relationship with Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn, he wouldn’t have been on his way to a clandestine dinner date on the other side of town. If he hadn’t been on his way across town for dinner, he wouldn’t have come across the pack of rabid hellhounds. And if he hadn’t come across the pack of rabid hellhounds, he would never have ended up leaning against the locked doors of Nightingale Towers bleeding profusely from a particularly deep wound in his side.

Fumbling for the call button with a blood-slick hand, he managed to press the one emblazoned with “PH1” in delicate gold print. For a few seconds, there was silence.

“Fuck,” Alec exhaled, swaying on his feet from the horrible combination of exhaustion and dizziness washing over him.

He hadn’t actually thought about what he would do if Magnus couldn’t help him; now it seemed totally idiotic not to have come up with a plan B. After all, to Magnus it must have appeared that Alec had stood him up only a week after an argument in which Magnus had accused him of being unwilling to make time for their relationship. If he ended up having to drag himself to the subway, he would only have thirty minutes to come up with a believable explanation as to why he had snuck out late in the evening without telling a soul to go to some dive in Queens.

Suddenly, Magnus’ voice crackled through the speaker. “Who is it?”

“Magnus, it’s me.”

A terse sigh echoed in the vestibule. “Is there something you want, shadowhunter?”

Even just shifting his weight to make for the door made Alec feel as though he very well might pass out. “Look, I know you’re pissed at me and maybe in a way I deserve it, but I—” The low whoosh of a portal opening interrupted him, materializing next to him. With the little bit of strength he could muster, Alec half-stepped, half-fell through it. His legs buckled beneath him when he landed on the pristine carpet of the loft, and he errantly hoped he hadn’t stained it.

“You couldn’t be bothered to call, yet you—” Magnus trailed off abruptly, and Alec forced himself to look up at him even as his vision swam. He looked disappointed. And angry. But once their eyes met, both dissipated to be replaced by shock. “Is that blood?”

Alec tried to answer but all that came out was some kind of incoherent murmur, and he felt his body tipping forward as the floor rushed up to meet him.

When next he opened his eyes, Magnus was leaning over him with a look of consternation as pale blue pulses of magic emanated from his palms. His necklaces spilled over Alec’s chest, a cold brush along his now bare sternum. “Hey,” he managed to rasp.

“Shh.” Magnus spared him only a glance, his gaze soft with sympathy that Alec almost felt guilty to be the intended recipient of. “You need to lie still for me, Alexander.”

He opened his mouth to protest, but ultimately held his tongue until Magnus had secured gauze over the raw but healing skin. “I’m sorry I missed our date. It wasn’t intentional; I swear on the Angel, Magnus.”

Pursing his lips, Magnus finally sat back and looked at him. Alec couldn’t swallow down the lump that rose in his throat at the sadness that softened his eyes and turned down the corners of his mouth.

From the first time he laid eyes on Brooklyn’s esteemed high warlock, Alec was enchanted. At first, it didn’t occur to him to be concerned that the man in question was a downworlder, that he was a man at all. It didn’t occur to him that this was someone with a reputation that preceded him, and spanned lifetimes. It didn’t even occur to him that he was the furthest thing from qualified to speak about feelings. All he knew was that his heart was beating hard enough that it might break his rib cage apart and he couldn’t care less so long as he didn’t have to look away just yet.

He should have known better than to think he could endeavor to have anything so exquisite.

“I was on my way to meet you when I got ambushed by rabid hellhounds. I tried to call you but the battery was dead, so it was all I could do to get here, to you. I’m sorry, Magnus, I didn’t know what else to do. Maybe I should have just—”

“I’m not mad that you missed dinner tonight,” Magnus cut him off softly. “I’m very glad you made it here in one piece. It certainly made my job easier. With some rest and being responsible about your activity, you’ll be good as new in a few days.” Standing up, he made for the drinks cart and skimmed his hands, caked in dried blood, over a few glass decanters before choosing one.

Alec hesitated for a moment, sitting up against the arm of the couch gingerly. “But you’re upset.” Magnus made no move to reply, instead downing three fingers of whiskey in one swallow and leaving the ice to clink against the bottom of the glass. “We don’t have to do this to each other, Magnus. I know that I started it, so maybe it’s my job to be the hypocrite. You take a step forward and I take a step back; you move to follow and I walk away. It…it fucking sucks.”

“God help me, I care for you. Very deeply, Alexander,” Magnus exhaled shakily.

“But I’m—”

“For better or worse, I lo—I feel inexorably connected to you,” he continued as though Alec hadn’t spoken at all. The taught lines of Magnus’ back made appear as a man made of marble. And he felt just as unreachable to Alec. “And this is what you are. Being a shadowhunter will always be your priority, and I respect that you have made your decision to continue down that path, but it’s not one where I can follow alongside you. I can’t be happy only seeing you when a lie is convenient and buys you some time, or when you’re beaten half to death and I’m left with your blood on my hands. I very well might love you, angel, and in another life maybe it would be enough, but we don’t have the luxury of a simple solution.”

Feeling his throat start to close as he fought back tears, Alec forced himself to his feet and took a few steps towards Magnus. His hands, always so steady whether they wielded a blade or an arrow, or grew mottled with bruises blooming dark beneath his skin, were now trembling and there was nothing he could do to stop. It felt as though he were walking towards the precipice of a vast chasm that was ready to swallow him whole, and the longer Magnus’ words hung over them like a dark cloud, the closer he got to falling in head first.

“I was scared,” Alec blurted out. It wasn’t exactly where he had intended to start, but at this point, it hardly mattered. “I was scared that if I made room for someone in my life, in my…in my heart too, that then what I’ve been running from for so long would catch up to ruin everything. I’ve never been as close to happy as I am with you, and I know the minute I let this become anything more than some kind of stupidly perfect life I’ve built up in my head, it wouldn’t be safe anymore. That’s something I should have been honest with you about, though, and I see that now. I—I’m sorry.”

“Alec—”

Holding up a hand, he continued. “If I don’t say all of this now, I’m going to lose my nerve and I don’t know if I could live with the consequences. Look, Magnus, you were right to be frustrated with me, and I’m mad at myself too. But if it’s not too late, if you can still find it in your heart to give me a chance to make this right, I would do anything to deserve it.”

For a few agonizing moments, Magnus expression was unreadable. And then he spoke.

“I hear relationships take effort.”

Alec inclined his head slightly, a tentative smile starting to play at his lips. “I’m all for effort.”

>> PROMPT LIST

[astriefer]

“Please hold me.” for thomastair (ofc bc that's what you said) 🥺

Thank you for this! @littlx-songbxrd you asked for this as well. I'm sorry it's so bad.

~~~~~

Trust me with thy heart

Pairing: Thomastair

Words: 4,537

Contains mild angst, some self harm and hurt/comfort.

Note I am awful at writing angst or hurt/comfort. This whole poor writing is based on miscommunication, much or less, or the fear to let others close.

~~~~~

Thomas wasn't fond of fights.

Demons were one thing. Their destiny as Shadowhunters was to protect mankind from those filthy monsters who invade their world. They brought disorder and death. The people he cared about were a different tale. 

A light jest with his friends, why not? A banter with his father about taking the coat or not while going outside? Sure. But not a very tumultuous, tempestuous strife with them. He preferred them all to get along with each other. 

Thomas liked even less when it was him involved in the disagreement.

He spent the last day jogging between massive training seasons, hanging out with his friends, and losing himself in his thoughts. Now, he avoided everyone in favor of reading Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. He made a special effort to tell no one where he was going, so non could bother him and ask him questions.

So Thomas was stunned when Ariadne Bridgestock, of all people, rushed through the entry in an unmatched combination of grace and ivory skirts, then flopped herself onto the armchair in front of Thomas.

While she had had a pleasant expression on her face, there was a dangerous gleam in her eyes. If Thomas hadn't known better, he would've sworn she came here to murder him.

"You and Alastair fought," she stated.

Thomas glanced between his book to her determined face twice, considering his options. Then, on behalf of good manners, he put a bookmark on the current page he pretended to be reading for half an hour. "Is it Alastair's way to tell me to speak to him? If so, please tell him not to embroil any other folks in our relationship."

"He hadn't sent me," Ariadne ignored the last part of his sentence. "But he did not arrive for our conclave."

A spark of concern lightened up in Thomas, yet he repressed it. He was angry with Alastair, Thomas reminded himself. "And what have you speculated I can do about it?"

She looked at him funny. "Talk to him, I presume."

"Ariadne," he tried, weariness falling heavy on him. "While I appreciate your concern, I doubt Alastair wants to see me. In fact, I doubt whether I want to see him right now. I know you confide in each other-" more than Alastair does with him, the bitter thought tore its way into his head. "And your intentions are well, but I will highly prefer to keep this between myself and Alastair."

He thought this would give her down and make her apologize. "Alastair wouldn't have sent someone else, and he didn't solicit help from myself," she said instead. "He would've given time to you both to collect your minds, and then come to you in clearer mind."

It was right. He knew it was. "So this parley is all you?"

"As I said, Yes. I worried for my friend, who happened to be your partner."

Thomas brushed his thumb on the spine of the book, musing over her words.  "Why would you be worried?"

"He stood me up. I came by your flat later, just for him to say nothing has happened. When I asked where you were, he conceded you two had a big bump in the road."

"That's a nice way to put it," Thomas murmured. "I frankly wished to be left alone. It's nothing-"

"Thomas," Her amber eyes met hazel ones. "You are good at many things. Fighting demons, and keeping the rest of the Thieves out of trouble, for example."

He quirked an eyebrow. "And?"

"Lying is not one of them."

Thomas swallowed, endeavoring to hide the feeling of hurt off his face. Recalling what happened a few days before made his whole body ache in pain. "So Alastair and I had a row. It always happens with lads." 

"It's not just a lad for you," she pressed. He was wide aware of the chastisement in her words. "It's Alastair. And never have I seen him the way he looked when I checked on him."

"What do you mean?" he asked after he perceived her words. "Alastair was absolutely fine when I left the flat." 

"You have to see for yourself." Ariadne said, "Go to him."

Despite the knots formed in the abdomen, he dithered. "Things ended up stormy when we last spoke. Maybe he's still mad. Maybe I'm still mad."

It wasn't just Alastair who was mad. He wondered how Alastair had been this past day, and how was he feeling, among many other thoughts. Yet the cloud of exhaustion and hurt surrounding him perturbated the nervousness. He was allowed to be upset about what happened. It sure wasn't nothing. Not on his part, at most. Why couldn't Alastair just-

"Excuses are not appreciated," Ariadne announced, "So you better confront him already, or I swear I shall chase you to the end of the Earth with my electrum whip." Ariadne threatened, and that what had taken to wake Thomas out of his hesitation.

"Of course," he sighed, "Because I don't have enough troubles already."

She brushed it off again with a smile, and Thomas felt mildly annoyed. He hadn't shown it. "Sort it out. It will benefit the two of you to tackle the problem."

She left no place for arguments. Utterly abandoning the book, Thomas rose to his feet and went to leave the room. 

He was glad to get out of the grip of this confusing confab, but he was even more unsure if to listen to her advice.

He was still angry with Alastair.

~~~~~

A veil of fog surrounded the city. It was a prevalent London day, cool and cloudy. The wind is blowing hard, welcoming passersby in a burst of freezing breeze. A thunderstorm on its way, they said.

But those were the last of things that perturbed Alastair's peace of mind. It matched his mood just fine. If someone was to describe him, curled up on his bed alone, he could imagine being portrayed as forlorn and tormented.

No, what bothered him was a particular someone that left and hasn't returned. Alastair hated he still hoped Thomas would return and make him less cold.

His breath was heavy, and his lungs burned like fire. He remembered words that haunted him for weeks in the past.  I believed you were more than what others said about you. I conceived myself beneath all the harsh words, was someone with a kind soul waiting to be seen. Was it all a lie I told myself?

Darkness flooded his senses. Trying to get any portion of self-control on his body he could, Alastair rose to his feet, glancing out of the window on unsteady legs without seeing anything at all. Gather yourself together.

But the words burned deep then, and they burned deep now. That was a battle against himself he meant to lose. The cold spread not only from the world beyond the window but from within him. It pulled out his ugly head, writhing and furious, desperately trying to break free and rise to the surface. People walked in the streets, oblivious to his troubles just as he was to theirs.

Thomas wasn't there.

Thomas wasn't there, and Cordelia wasn't there, and anyone he loved wasn't there. He locked himself in their flat for the past day, overthinking and speculating and wondering why did he have to be the way he is. If Thomas had finally realized he deserved someone so much better than Alastair, would he be surprised? Alastair was aware of this fact too well. The way he looked at him when they fought, the shaky hands when he opened the door, and the hours of waiting in case Thomas will return, just for nothing to happen. What does it mean if not that Alastair finally made Thomas give up and leave?

This inner part of him was crying, demanded to be heard, to be set free. A shrill cry came to his ears, and it took him a moment to perceive it belonged to him.

His vision became vague, his head ached, and everything spun around. He tried to lay a hand on the wall - only to find he miscalculated the distance and fell ungracefully on his knees. His heart pounded in his chest while the darkness tried to pull him in; He tried to take a breath and dozens of small knives tore his lungs up. He shrank, gasping for air that didn't come.  

Everything seemed blurry, all his mind could engross in was the words Thomas Lightwood told him, the cold truth dripping from them, freezing Alastair all over again. 

Alastair was accountable for all the hideous things he'd done and said, unquestionably. How weak is he that he hides behind shallow faces and vicious words? What a dolt he is, hurting a person, mainly the only person outside of his family that seemed to genuinely care for him. His words rang in his head, Thomas's voice haunting every corner.  

He sank lower, his breathing gurgling, reaching out in search of something stable, something that would serve as a pillar in the chaos that ensued around him. His hand extended out to the still air and then groped for something to hold on the floor. That came the way of a cold, sharp object that lay on the ground. He gripped it tightly, and he groaned in pain and relief at the physical ache that eased his mind.

"Alastair?" A voice called.

~~~~~

Thomas was about to lose his right mind. Alastair was trembling vigorously, barely able to stand on his feet that were shaking like a leaf swaying in the wind.

"Alastair," Thomas stuttered, with no response back. His indignation vanished to immediate panic. "Alastair?" he repeated more stubbornly.

His chest went up and down quickly; His eyes were wide like that of a deer caught in the automobile light. When Thomas tried to take a step toward him, the smaller man stiffened and stood bolt upright. Thomas stopped dead.

"I came at the behest of Ariadne," he said, just for the sake of talking. Alastair hadn't told him to quiet, so he kept going. "And because I was worried about you."

"Leave," Alastair hissed out frantically. Thomas couldn't stop the throbbing burn striking through his body.

Thomas took a few steps back, allowing Alastair his space. He had no temptation to leave as he requested - Thomas simply waited aside, for a chance Alastair would change his mind. He recalled the nights he woke up from a nightmare, dazed and overwhelmed with emotions, and how Alastair always reassured him in the dead of night.

This Alastair seemed lost in his own mind, unable to escape, and it terrified Thomas. Yet, he shoved the dread aside and put on the most relaxing facade he could. He was told to be quite good at it.

"I'm right here, Azizam." 

"Everyone leaves. You can do as well."

Somewhere in his mind, the pieces joined together, like a colossal puzzle. Was he afraid Thomas would leave him? That he would give up on him? he told him he could leave in their run-in, because he thought everyone will leave him in the end? 

"I don't know. I don't know how to do it." To cease making the wrong decision. To cease pushing people away. To cease hurting people. "man nemidânam."

"Alastair, can you hear me?"

As he found out, Alastair did not hear him. "I don't want to hurt you. I already hurt you so much." Alastair went on, choking on his own words. Thomas was in full panic mode, and he hurried further toward Alastair with barely contained alarm.

I find you worth any pain to come, Thomas thought. 

"It's fine," Thomas said. "I am fine. I want you to be fine as well. It's much more important to me than whether you may or may not harm me."

Something split in his face, and he took a deep breath down his throat. His eyes snapped to Thomas. The terror on his face made Thomas's heart sink.

"Alastair?" he asked, but it didn't manage to elicit a response from the other man.

Thomas drew closer to Alastair, not missing the flinch passing the half-Persian's body. Thomas could hear his breath, shallow and trembling. He could painfully see the tremor of his hands. The wide eyes that so clearly tried to hold back tears. He took one step closer, and Alastair took one back.

Thomas imminently came to a halt. Alastair squeezed hard against the wall. He looked like a captive animal on the verge of losing hope, a man pushed to the edge, an injured soul. 

Thomas took one step closer. With his enormous figure, it all needed to reach Alastair. He wrapped his arms around the shorter man, didn't let go even when Alastair squirmed, trying to shove him aside, fought to set free from Thomas's grip. His hold only tightened, and he used his strength to shove Alastair's head into his chest. He kept him close, kept even when Alastair protested, kept his hold when Alastair Surrendered abruptly, sinking into the soft material of Thomas's clothing, even when sobs began and his chest got wet from the tears of his love.

Thomas pressed his lips to the dark hair, held Alastair steadily while he cried. No words of reassurance passed between them. Truly, Thomas wasn't sure Alastair would have heard him if he tried. He knew the touch was what Alastair needed. Their embrace was clumsy and distorted, but it was enough. Enough to tell Alastair he wasn't alone; Thomas wouldn't have let him go through this alone.

With a soft sigh, Thomas finally let loose of his grip. He started to pull away and was surprised when he felt fists clasping on the fabric of the front of his sleeveshirt.

"Please," Alastair whispered desperately."Please hold me."

Thomas couldn't find it in himself to deny it to Alastair. They slipped to the floor. Alastair buried his face in Thomas's chest once again, shaking silently. Thomas felt his mouth forming words on his chest, although he could not tell which. All the while, his hands embraced the slim, shaking form of Alastair.

A few minutes had passed. Or an hour. Or a couple of days. Thomas didn't feel the time had passed while he tried to console his beloved one. He closed his eyes and concentrated on moving his hand on Alastair's small back, kept him close. The other hand came to caress the space between his ear and jawline, where he was creating circles on the tender skin.

Slowly, The dark-haired's breath became more even.

"Here you are," Thomas let a breath of both exhaustion and relief leave his body. "Can you hear me, Eshgham?"

"Y-Yes."

"Would you like me to get you a glass of water?"

"No."

Thomas sighed inertly as he held the other gentleman in his warm hands, promising reassurance and no judgment. Alastair, for the matter, clang to him as if he was drowning and Thomas was his only lifeline.

He never liked to fight with Alastair. It rarely happened, but when it did it left a bitter taste in his mouth and a pang at his heart. But he was not going to give up - not on this. He remembered his mother once told him couples fight, sometimes, because they still care about what the other does. It was their first argument with their new agreement. It didn't make him feel any better at the time. All his life he had been surrounded with unconditioned love, never exposed to the arguments and the imperfect details. It made him view love as just sweet and honey, while he learned that there's more with Alastair.

There's the giving. And the receiving. The trust in the other's intentions and the willingness to make them your priority foremost of all. The disagreements make you understand when your boundaries are and open a place for learning and acceptance. The balance you build with time, something he hoped he could shape with the man in front of him.

The trust part, to his belief, was something they still were working on. Alastair had leaned on him, and Thomas wondered it he thought now he calmed down, Thomas would leave him again. He did the last time.

"I'm not leaving," They locked eyes, and for some reason, he felt hope. "Alastair, I'm not leaving."

There are very few things he wanted more than Alastair. Verily, He was what he longed for above everything else. He wanted Alastair and everything he was.

Alastair didn't answer, but he averted his eyes.

"Are you ready to go now?"

Alastair seemed slightly lost, but he nodded and weakly stood on his legs. He followed Thomas while Thomas flung himself up and let Alastair sat on their bed beside him. The comfortable place always made both feel better - The mix of English and Persian and Spanish books on the bookshelves. The notebooks full of poems Thomas kept beside his side of the bed. Alastair's spears collection. The artworks they bought when they visited art galleries.Even the soft yellow light was a source of relief.

"You are mad," proclaimed Alastair in a hoarse voice.

"So are you," Thomas returned. Alastair shook his head, and Thomas's eyebrows rose. "So what then, if not mad?"

"Mostly nauseous," Alastair murmured, managing to startle a breathy chuckle out of Thomas. "But also bloody exhausted."

Thomas fumble after the right words, before deciding he should be candid. "I didn't like being apart from you in those few days. But I stick to what I told you before, Alastair." He saw it happening - the wall of defense Alastair was building up again after the last one had crushed. "Let me bring some fresh air into here."

Thomas tried to ventilate the room well while Alastair sank into the mattress and sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard. "If you call the London foggy, polluted air fresh, then sure."

A bit of relief passed because of Alastair's quip. He didn't lose it. "It seems you and my father share this opinion."

Thomas scanned Alastair, then noticed the cut on his right palm. Absentmindedly, he approached his side.

"Why did you do it?"

It took Alastair a moment to conceive what he was referring to. He hastily covered it with his other hand, but Thomas saw it. "I - didn't mean to."

Thomas watched the cut in awe as if it was imaginary.  However, when he grazed the skin, Alastair winced. 

Thomas wasn't sure how to counter this. Their fight. What just happened. Alastair didn't either. Or did he wish to pretend none of this happened? That he -both of them- weren't hurt?

This thought wasn't toleratable to Thomas.

And that's why, after he took his stele out of his dresser and was applying an iratze on Alastair's forearm, that he asked, "I want to talk about what happened the day before yesterday."

He could feel Alastair stiffening, his muscles tensing. "I was upset," Alastair said cautiously. "I shouldn't have snapped at you, Tom."

"You shouldn't have," Thomas agreed. He was done with the iratze and put the stele aside. "But that's not why I'm distraught."

Alastair shot him a tumultuous look. Thomas took a deep breath before looking Alastair dead in the eye. "You were upset, but you wouldn't tell me why. You grumble about things relentlessly, but when you're truly shaken you don't share at all. It's not - just this argument. It's not just one thing. Those small moments you hesitate whether to tell me the truth. The times you don't." He inhaled, letting the cold air fill his lungs. He resisted looking away from Alastair's face, didn't let his eyes flutter around the room like they were trying to do. "Love is also built on trust and communication. If we don't have those, what is left?" He didn't need to hear Alastair's reply. "We talk, and we share, yet I cannot understand why you're so grumpy at times. I need you to tell me."

"Can't one just be pissed off at the world?"

"Alastair."

"Many things can upset me," Alastair said. Thomas might have hallucinated it, but his voice was a bit shaky. "Do you want to hear them all?"

"Yes," Thomas answered immediately. His tone was sincere.

Alastair's hand reached to the other side of the bed, a nonverbal request.  They still couldn't stop staring at each other. But not playfully, or lovingly, but earnestly.

Alastair, naked of his facade and any snide remarks. Alastair, whom he grew to know and rarely showed up to many else.

I do trust you. I care for you. were the meaning behind Alastair's gaze. All Thomas wanted is to lean on and forget everything. But still - it was not his pride making him relucent. That was much deeper than that. 

He lingered there just for a moment too long, enough to make Alastair believe he declined the request, and his hand quirked in pain for a moment. His face became emotionless - and Thomas had feared he misleadingly deceived Alastair that he didn't want them after all. That he didn't want him.

In moments, he climbed on the bed. He coddled Alastair, silently and diligently. "Tell me. Tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing," Alastair retorted eventually. He rubbed his eyes and laid back on the bed board. Then after a moment. "Everything."

"I hate it when I see you suffer and I don't know why," Thomas whispered. "I want to help. More than anything. But you push me away and I am left to think it might be because of me, because-"

"No," Alastair said firmly, extending his hands to cup Thoams's. "You have never been anything but good to me. It's just-," he broke off.

Thomas searched his foggy eyes. "I don't blame you," he told him, "If it's hard for you. But trust me enough to tell me what bothers you, thus we could face it together." He collected his hands in his own, lifting them so he could kiss his knuckles. "I know I want to stand by your side whatever the cost." he was certain about that; No whirlwind to come could change it. "Will you let me?"

Instead of an answer, Alastair kissed him.

Thomas knew he was kind, forgiving, trusting. He knew Alastair was slow to trust, slow to reveal his true feelings, hiding behind sharp words to secure himself from being harmed by people close to him. He knew the world broke his heart - so viciously, and that he took the pieces that were left. It was undoubtedly hard. Alastair had changed so much, yet Thomas wanted to understand, to reassure Alastair they were in this together. 

"Hamsar-am," Alastair said when they pulled away. "I will try."

Thomas smiled at the endearment term. His heart was throbbing fast. "I was mad," he confessed, "because you refused to tell me what's wrong. You pretended. And I - I don't want facades, my love. I want the truth. I want you."

"I don't want to be weak around the people I love," Alastair whispered, and Thomas understood. To what extent did he fear that if he shows weakness, his friends and family would suffocate him again, shield him from the world as they did when he was younger? How much he feared at slightest of weakness shown, he would be smothered as Thomas had been when he was too small, too fragile?

But Alastair never did that. He supported him in his way, allowed him to be weak without acting as if Thomas was made of glass. "So not weak to everyone," He was astonished he found it in himself to laugh softly. "Each other will be enough. We can be vulnerable with one another."

Alastair stared at him for a long moment. Eventually, a faint smile appeared on his lips. "Okay."

"This is just another way of trust."

So Alastair told him. He told him about the rumors he heard from the London enclave about his family, the looks he had gotten. Of the words of people who were white while Alastair was brown. He didn't mind, much, but it drew attention to his family. And to Thomas. Respectable family and a kind heart seemingly weren't enough to make the rumors - and who spread them - silence. The opposite is correct - the fire burned even brighter, and its flame was like cutting knives. The people who matter didn't care about their agreement, and Alastair long stopped paying attention to rumors. But when it was about Thomas, he said, he had been furious. The stories unfolded, the truth shone through, and the more Alastair talked - not just about rumors, but on the way some of the people treated him, of the Cornwall's townhouse and its residents, the things his soul troubled about were finally out.

Thomas listened, understood, stroked Alastair's cheek when he seemed to start shaking again, but now out of relief instead of concealed agony. 

They sunk into a comfortable silence in the end. Up until Alastair inquired, "You were out for so long. Where were you?"

"At the institute," Thomas replied. The concept of coming back to his parents' townhouse, admitting the quarrel, rewinding it all in his head countless times while enduring Sophie and Gideon's worrying looks, was nothing he wished to do. "Or somewhere I could avoid anyone."

"And now?" he asked tentatively. "You come back?"

"I have no intentions to leave this bed even if Ariadne herself will come to pluck me off the sheets." He affirmed.

Alastair's smirk became genuine this time. "Ariadne was here today."

When Thomas said "I know" he got a quizzical look from Alastair so he supplied, "She found my whereabouts and made me go confront you. Not much subtly, may I add."

"Yes. This jinx made me open up the door and refused to leave until I told her what happened."

Thomas silently laughed. 

"I..suppose it was rather cathartic," Alastair said. It was evening now, Thomas noted, and none of them found it in themselves to get up and eat supper. They just kept their bodies close, relishing their air of comfort.

"Indeed. This, this was good. Splendidly better than reading the same page over and over again in the Devil's tavern or pretending to care what waistcoat Matthew is taking to the impending party at Anna's flat." 

"You thought the place you and your squad go to hide is the best place to hide from them?" Alastair asked.

"It seemed reasonable at the time," Thomas murmured. "Each of us has a kind of hideout, have we not?"

Where was Alastair's safe hideaway? At home, with a book in hand? At museums, drinking in art and beauty? Was it hiking in the streets of London by himself and enjoying the view and the whispers of nature?

"You," Alastair said. Thomas hadn't realized he voiced his question aloud. A tired, small smile played on Alastair's lips, yet his words were soft, plain and simple. Their eyes locked, and he could feel how genuine Alastair was. "You are my hideout."

~~~~~

Dictionary:

man nemidânam - I don't know

Eshgham - my love

Hamsar-am - my equal head, my better half