#can bpd make me do something and not realize till after

[nameless5868]

Just impulsively gave myself the front part of a scene haircut.

Yeah, I've always wanted that, but I did it without thinking, gotta love bpd.

I've kinda gotta this new philosophy on my hair, I want it long so the back I won't touch and let it keep growing but the front bangs area is to experiment and play with. My hairs been growing so fast that it's fine I can keep switching it up.

But damn not a second though just cut it and only now after it's over do i realize what I did. It's kinda scary I can do something and o ly realize afterm

[raincamp]

i feel like i might romanticize/glamorize SH too much, as someone with BPD + histrionic traits, romanticizing harmful/self destructive acts that get me attention is just a part of my disorder, and i try to keep it to just myself & not expose other people to it unwillingly, bc i dont believe in encouraging other people to start or to relapse

but i decided to make a post talking about the cons/bad parts of SH to cancel it out

obvious trigger warning

why you shouldn't self harm / the cons

- blood stains on everything. your mattress, your bedsheets, your favorite blanket, your comfy sweatshirt. how bad it feels knowing your whites will never be perfectly white again.

- it hurts. i mean. listen. you can say pain feels good etc etc but be fr our human instincts really don't enjoy it we just like the afteraffects/endorphins that come from it, pain by definition is uncomfortable

- having to get medical attention, or acquire medical knowledge that most people dont have. knowing the layers of skin and where all the arteries are. the fear of hitting arteries. hitting arteries and having to get help. having to pay for stitches.

- the constant need to be deeper, the never feeling like its enough, almost, almost feeling the satisfaction but never actually achieving it. the frustration after you fail. the shame of even trying.

- the addiction. the fact that its going to haunt you for the rest of your life. you could be clean for 10, 25, 40 years and you will still instinctually want to SH anytime something goes wrong and you dont feel like you can cope. you'll constantly be fighting yourself for the rest of your life.

- scars haven't ever really been a con for me tbh. but sometimes i think about the fact that i did it to myself, that theyre permanent, and theyre never going to go away, and it hits me, how a single decision can affect the entire rest of my life. permanently. and i have nobody to blame but myself. and it sucks.

- when you sh for attention and it works, and the shame you feel immediately afterward. and worse, when you get attention/validation from your scars after youve been clean for a long time and you feel like you conned & faked your way into it, and it taints the validation you were recieving.

- "promise me you'll stop 🥺 youre too pretty to do that 🥺 stop for me 🥺" when you roll up your sleeves after making a new friend and they dont get that its an addiction/that youve been clean for a while/ that you cant promise to stop because relapse is inevitable and promising will make it worse/ that its none of their fucking business jfc

- being unable to look at normal, mundane objects like razors, pencil sharpeners, exacto knives, box cutters, knives, etc. without being triggered.

- when you realize its been 10 years since you started and you STILL think about it on a regular basis.

- the itching. the nerve/sensation loss on scars. the weird zapping pains that happen years afterward. infections. the pain lasting for days/weeks. constant aftercare.

- scars fading and being triggered. seeing your scars in the mirror and being triggered. seeing other peoples scars and being triggered. seeing people score bread and being triggered. when people cut normal things and it looks just like sh and being triggered.

- clothes sticking to fresh cuts.

- either urges to relapse during winter because its easier to hide everything or overheating in the summer because you couldnt wait till winter. or both

- other people starting sh because of you. other people shing because of you. this has happened to me multiple times. i started someone's self harm addiction on accident. i can never forgive myself for it.

- forming other addictions to stop relapsing sh. being unable to stop one without leaning hard into the other. or doing both at the same time.

[samtheflamingomain]

the graphs don't lie

I did a sleep study last week. Out in 20 minutes, didn't wake up at all till they forced me awake at 6am. Told them it was exactly as if I'd slept at home. Compared to most of the other patients looking zombified by a terrible night's sleep, I was fine.

Yesterday the doctor showed me the graph and gave my official diagnosis of an ailment I've known I have for 8 months.

I have IH, idiopathic (unexplained) hypersomnia (tired a lot). Although it felt like a completely normal sleep, I only got around 15 minutes of REM (opposed to the normal cycles of 60 min 2-4 times per sleep) and never hit deep sleep at all. Literally 0%. This more than anything absolutely shocked the doctor. Even those with a bad night's sleep don't spend anywhere near the 90% of time I spent in Stage 2.

Deep sleep (stage 3) is the part that regenerates and refreshes your brain. For 6/7h of my sleep, I was in something of a limbo, stage 2.

Stage 2 is meant to be a 20 minute occurrence before entering and after exiting REM. A little buffer for your brain to chill. Instead I just went there and stayed there. This is the one stage where the brain really does almost nothing. Probably cuz I'm constantly tired and it always wants a breather, and has little time to do much cranial paperwork (stage 3) if you get what I mean.

But I realized I had IH 8 months ago, only officially conformed yesterday. I've never had a medical professional say "You have this disease". More times that I can count, I've been told I'm tired because of lack of exercise, bad diet, my meds, depression. But I have clocked months at a time without being medicated, where I exercised, and when I had a good diet, literally with the sole purpose of proving to doctors that this is not about meds or living a healthy life. Most continued to completely disregard this fact and point out that, did I know, clonazepam can make you tired? Yes, I know. Which is why I forced myself to get off every drug to prove my goddamn point that "clonazepam sleepy" isn't the fucking answer. Unfortunately, most doctors are fucking idiots that aren't qualified to manage a lunch rush at McDonald's.

But today, finally, during a 20-min video call, the Dr. never once attributed my exhaustion to anything but IH. She said that she spent a longer time than usual looking at my study and my (admittedly very large) file. It took her several hours. She realized that in 8 years, there's never been a change in my fatigue despite hundreds of changes in other areas like meds and diet, leading her to believe that this isn't just a part of my many mental illnesses nor benign factors like diet.

I'm on 9 meds and have a billion diagnoses. Hell, let's list 'em: Bipolar 1, Anxiety, CPTSD, BPD, OCD, Anorexia Nervosa, EDNOS, Schizoaffective (4/5 psychs agree, one would argue full-on Schizophrenia), Psychosis, Depressive Catatonia, Addiction (smoking, weed, alcohol), and I'm sure I've forgotten a few dozen more.

Any time before today, a doctor would always throw a dart and pick one medication or mental illness and blame the fact that I have not woken up refreshed in 8 years on whatever their dart hit.

But she put in the work, ran the metaphorical numbers and came out with, "despite all your meds and all your mental illnesses, I am diagnosing you with a disease of exclusion."

"Disease of exclusion" means it's the only answer after accounting for (excluding) every other possibility. It's extremely hard to get diagnosed with one, especially with my phone book of mental illness and accompanying pamphlet of drugs.

But she's right and I've known it for 8 months when I finally discovered IH's existence. I was only diagnosed as Bipolar and not Depressed after my first manic episode at 20. For 7 years prior, I was Depressed, and pissed through dozens of drugs in that time. Then 7 more years of Bipolar drugs.

I think the key thing that made her take me seriously is the fact that I'm on a dose of Adderall that would usually be reserved for the worst sufferers of ADHD. And I can easily pass out an hour after taking it. That's probably the biggest thing that points to IH: even Cocaine Lite can't make me feel awake.

IH has no cure and few treatments besides throwing Adderall and Ritalin at you. But those 2 drugs are nearly identical; if you've tried one you've basically tried both, along with their other siblings I can't name.

But Modafinil is different. It's only ever used to treat Narcolepsy. I do not have Narcolepsy Type 1. I don't even have N2. But after N2 is IH. So by chain of command, it has a chance of working, as IH is technically in the Narcolepsy family.

It's a bit unfortunate, to me, that it took the many, many months of sitting on the sleep study waitlist just for my self-diagnosis to be confirmed and then for a doctor to tell my psychiatrist to get me off Adderall and onto Modafinil. This reads as unfortunate to me because, a week ago, I spoke with my psychiatrist and asked if there were any other drugs like Adderall that might be worth a try, and he said no.

Ritalin is out because I had a psychotic episode after one pill. Luckily, this was when I was already in the hospital. But I actually did name Modafinil because I'd heard of it. And he. Said. No.

So if he doesn't listen to the sleep doctor telling him to put me on it, well, I get to play "wait 6-18 months to find another doctor who will". I'm not a registered patient of the sleep doctor so any recommendations go from her to my family doctor to my psychiatrist. Family doctor is stuck in "must be diet/exercise" mode. Psychiatrist is in "let's get this 5m phone call over with cuz nothing's gonna help you" mode. Finally I get someone in "let's actually think things through for more than 20 seconds" mode and she can't actually give me the one (and quite literally the only) drug that could fix me.

This is already a novel but just one more thing.

I'm Bipolar 1 before anything else. This means, especially since I'm on Adderall which should never be given to Bipolar people, I'm in a state called hypomania. Just one level below "mania", which is one of the few mental illnesses that is portrayed relatively accurately in media. So think that, but a little less intense.

Before IH, I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, despite only having 1 of dozens of symptoms. I didn't get headaches or days where I couldn't leave my bed. I'm literally just tired. 10/10, 24/7, 365d/y. No exceptions. The only reason I'm able to go to sleep is not because I get sleepier but because I decide it's time to take the sleeping pill that will knock me the fuck out. If I don't, I can very easily just stay up all night, and barely feel any different the next day with the exception of hallucinations. This is because you can't, by definition, get more than 10/10 tired. If that's how your entire life is, your brain adapts to the point where it never says "hey, I'm exhausted, let's sleep." It only ever says "damn I'm tired and could sleep at any moment if you let me".

A lot of people don't realize this, and when I tell them I've been up for 3 days they always say something like "guess you aren't always tired haha I'm very clever." No. I simply either chose not to sleep or realized it was already 6am and might as well start another day. I cannot emphasize it enough: 10/10. 24/7. 365d/y. For EIGHT YEARS.

I'm Bipolar and barely feeling anything from 40mg Adderall. This is not normal. While I'm relieved the doctor didn't do the thing all the other ones did, she still handed me a death sentence in the form of never, ever feeling awake again.

Stay Greater,

[avesblues2]

I’ve had an absurd time tying to make and keep friends. This past year made me realize how I never had healthy friendships growing up. It dawned on me watching some YouTube video how much I dreamed of just having a best friend. I’ve had some very toxic people in my life, I grew up always being told what I feel or being told that I’m just making things up and looking for attention. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to talk about something with a friend without being told I’m over dramatic or being ridiculous. I was called an attention whore when I was groped. My best friend looked me in the eye and told me I wasn’t allowed to hang out anymore (this was 8th grade btw) because he said so, but don’t worry we’re still friends and we’ll talk in class. I was so alone and never have been able to trust people since. After high school I found an old friend again, but it was one of the worst decisions I had made. She has bipolar disorder. I don’t know which one or if it’s not something like bpd. She was obsessed with weed, had to be smoking something or she’d be the most passive aggressive person in the world. If you didn’t share with her you’d be shamed and belittled for not just giving her things. Being a foster care kid she grew up poor and without much belongings. So she was just nasty. Lived with me for a summer and brought a crazy drug dealer to my home which lead to me being told to hide in my home turn off all the lights and don’t make much noise for a few days. She told me don’t worry I’ll leave for a bit and you’ll be safe. But she turned around and called me and put me in the position where I had to talk her out of suicide. Kicking her out was the most stressful week ever. She threw things and abused my pet rats. She made them terrified to see any human that wasn’t me.

I’ve held so many people at arms length it’s been ridiculous trusting people. My unbearably retarded ass gives what trust I can put and it fucking hurts me every time. I want friends and I’m super happy to talk to people. Probably too happy because I’m willing to ignore my panic to just make a friend and I could have disappeared last night. He was a very thin short Indian man who lives at my apartment building, I’ve seen him many times before. He asked me to smoke with him. Which wasn’t bad. But then he asked me to get i. The car to smoke because it’s better. I don’t know why I did it. He got creepy and was hardcore hitting on me and sexualizing me because I’m a very pale white girl and tattoos just look better on my skin because of it. I escaped and got back to my apartment without giving any sort of social media or number. But I’m so angry with myself. I just want friends and I keep hurting myself in the attempt to get them.

:((( I’m so sorry to hear all of this. And I know the feeling of being lonely and wanting friends. My freshmen year of college was the hardest year of my life. I seriously felt so alone. So I understand the yearning for sincere and healthy friendships. I don’t how much this advice will help you but I will try my best. Good things will make themselves known and sometimes you have to be patient. To develop authentic and healthy friendships may take time. Don’t ever put yourself in danger to try to make friends though, listen to your gut. If something feels off or you have an odd feeling about this person (who you barely know) listen to that feeling and take a step back to observe the situation and to make a wise decision. I don’t know how to tell on how to make friends because friends just happen. They appear at odd times in funny places. They appear when you least expect it. Sometimes they are complete strangers and you become friends and other times you have known them your whole life but never connected till now. I can tell you what good friends don’t do and red flags though. Good friends don’t make you feel inferior and talk down on you. Good friends don’t taunt your insecurities. Good friends are the type of friends where you don’t have to have constant communication to click and still get along. Good friends aren’t envious, good friends aren’t jealous, good friends aren’t mean, aren’t prideful, aren’t arrogant. Good friends show you love and not romantic love but biblical love.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. -1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Don’t ever get into a car with a stranger, mostly a man. You are putting yourself in a very dangerous situation. If you are meeting a new person ALWAYS meet in public. Don’t give into peer pressure, if someone is coercing you to do something that’s a red flag that they don’t care about your beliefs or personal boundaries. Be aware of your surroundings always.

Psalm 68:5-6

5 A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. 6 God sets the lonely in families,he leads out the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

Idk if you are christian or not but you will ALWAYS find friendship, community and family in Christ and His people. If you seek Him, He will help uplift you and provide for you whatever your needs are.

I don’t know your circumstance and I can’t really give sound advice on how to make friends but know that the right people at the right time will come along in due time. Don’t put yourself in danger. Turn to the Lord and ask with a sincere and repentance heart and you shall receive. I’m praying for you to find peace and friendship. I know how hard it is to feel alone but know you are NEVER truly alone. Sending you love.

[all-things-skam]

15 95 71 crisana at the hospital maybe. Or cris visiting joana house

15. ‘‘Can I stay here tonight?’‘

71. ‘‘What is she doing here?’‘

95. ‘‘My shirt look better on you.’‘

Title: Back to you

Ship: Skam Espana | Cris Soto and Joana Bianchi (Crisana)

It was almost 9pm when the doorbell went off, making Joana sigh. She wasn't expecting any visit on Wednesday night...nor at any moment. It wasn't like she had any friends. The only person she knew at school were Cris and Eloy - who were both pissed at her at the moment.

Did her mom forget her keys again?

Sighing, Joana quit the comfort of her bed and paddled slowly to the door, purple hair tied in a messy ponytail and baggy tee covering half her thigh, black shorts peeking underneath. She  unlocked the door and twisted it open, not expecting to see Cris standing there.

''Cris?''

The blonde smiled shyly under the hood of her hoodie. ''Hi.''

''Hi... What are you doing here?''

''I know I should've called first but...can I come in?''

Joana looked over her shoulder, glancing at the clock on the wall, calculating how long left before her mother would return. Before leaving the house, the woman had been strict about having no guests over but, Joana really wanted to see Cris and was ready to deal with the consequences of disobeying her mother's rules.

Entering Joana's bedroom, Cris immediately spotted the large desk in the back, furrowing her eyebrows when seeing no laptop or phone in sight. Only textbooks, pencils and scattered drawings. Joana was right, her mother had taken away all form of contact with the outside from her. She walked over, noticing a couple drawings of herself, smiling when seeing a girl with purple hair next to her on the paper. She reached to pick it up but Joana's voice stopped her.

''Wanna sit?''

The blonde turned around and joined Joana on the bed, keeping enough distance between them. Sitting there, Cris felt like they were back to being complete strangers, as if they have never kissed or shared a bed for a whole weekend. The change of mood from the last time they sat on a bed was drastic. One week they were all over each other, kissing and invading each other's personal space and the next, they were avoiding any contact at all cost, as if one of them was extremely contagious.

The thought of their downfall formed a lump in Cris's stomach. She felt so much for Joana, it made her heart ache her to think they had come to this. Cris wanted nothing more than to feel Joana against her, kiss her lips and trace over the dark outlines of her weird tattoos.

''Do you want to watch a movie? I believe we still have popcorn in the pantry,'' Joana suggested.

''I came here to talk, Joana, not to watch a movie.''

The purple haired girl looked down, apprehending what was to come. After dropping a two bombs on Cris - the 'I love you' and the borderline personality disorder -, Joana knew she and Cris would have to talk someday, but she wasn't expecting it to be so soon. ''Okay...''

''I wanted to apologize for not saying anything on Saturday after you told me about having BPD. I should've said something, anything but...I was too shocked and confused to speak.''

''I shouldn't have told you that. I wanted to reassure you but all I did was scare you away.''

Cris shook her head. ''No. I'm glad you told me, I'm touched that you trust me with this kind of personal information. I'm not going to lie, the last week was tough emotionally and mentally. The girl who just confessed her feelings to me had ran away and wasn't answering my calls or messages. I thought you were done with me because I didn't say it back. I was hoping to talk to you last Monday but Pedro told me you were going to be absent for a couple days. This radio silence was killing me. I was worried and then angry and sad too. I even messaged Eloy-''

Joana bit her lip anxiously, scared of what Eloy had told her. He didn't know about her BPD but he couldn't have told good things to Cris. He was so pissed when Joana ended their relationship. ''You talked to Eloy?''

''Yeah. I mean, I was desperate to hear from you.''

''I'm sorry, Cris. Like I said, my mom had confiscated my phone and-''

''I [know], I know now.'' She paused, glancing at Joana, silently telling her it was okay. ''I...I thought you were playing me. I thought you didn't want anything to do with me.''

Tears welled up in Cris's blue eyes, making Joana feel guilty for - again - causing pain to the girl she liked- loved.

''Cris, I wanted to reach out to you, so bad. I just didn't have any ways to. I had to steal my phone back from where my mom had hidden it to read your texts. When I saw all the messages and missed calls, I felt like a text would be shitty so I had to sneak out to see you and explain everything before I lose the girl I love.''

''You can't say that,'' Cris said, shaking her head, refusing to hear her words.

Joana furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. ''Say what?''

''That you love me! Joana, we've been dating for one week. I barely know you, you barely know me. I don't understand how you can feel this way so soon.''

''Me either, but I do. I love you, Cris. I love you so much and I'm sorry if I scared you with my premature feelings or made you feel pressured to say it back, it really wasn't my intention. I didn't say it to hear it back, I said it because I felt it and wanted you to know.''

Cris's heart felt full. She had never felt so much love from someone before. When she got into a relationship with Joana, she didn't think it would bloom into something so strong so fast. Dating a girl was a foreign territory for her and Cris was a bit uncertain at first, a multitude of question marks flashing in bright red in her head. What if this is a mistake? What if Joana is planning to toy with her heart? What if I'm not really into girls?

Ignoring her doubts, Cris jumped head first and, although she went through a lot of pain because of her, she didn't regret anything that happened with Joana. Not a kiss, not a touch, not a moment, nothing.

Cris's silence was making Joana nervous, fearing this was going to be it. She toyed with her hands, nails digging into her palms, a bad habit caused by her anxiety. ''I understand if you don't want to be with me anymore. I deserve it...''

''Joana,'' Cris said, catching the other girl's attention. Joana looked up, dark irises meeting Cris's big, beautiful ones. Not knowing how to say what she wanted to say, Cris crawled closer on the bed until she could feel Joana's jerky breath on her face and kissed her.

Instinctively, Joana cupped Cris's face with her palm, caressing her cheek gently as their lips moved against each other. It wasn't a hurried or horny kiss, it was soft and loving, slow and relieving.

With one last kiss, Joana pulled the blonde against her, hugging her tightly. She had missed Cris so much while being confined at home. She had missed her soft giggles, her froggy eyes and her signature vanilla scent.

''Joana? I'm home.'' The front door echoed shut. ''Why is there white sneakers in the entry?''

The two girls pulled away at the woman's voice, straightening up, waiting for Joana's mom to come in and realize her daughter had someone over when she was not allowed to.

''Joana- What is she doing here? I thought I had been clear about having no guests over, Joana...''

''I...Mom, this is Cris. She is a friend from school, we're Literature partners. I called her with the landline to ask for her help with a Literature homework. She was in the neighborhood so she came over.''

Cris smiled politely and Joana's mother pulled her eyebrows. ''Couldn't it have waited till tomorrow?'' she asked. ''Do you know what time it is?''

''I'm sorry, Mrs. Bianchi,'' Cris apologized, faking a guilty look. ''I just wanted to help Joana. It mustn't be easy to change school in the middle of the school-year.''

Joana's mother thanked Cris for her help and reminded Joana that her bedtime was in half an hour to which the purple haired girl rolled her eyes.

''She's so annoying,'' Joana sighed, falling back on her pillows the second her mother had left and closed the door. ''She's been breathing down my neck since I was diagnosed.''

Cris joined Joana against the pillows, settling comfortable next to her. ''Parents are annoying.''

It didn't take long for their lips to find their way back together, slowly kissing as they laid on their sides. Joana's fingers played with Cris's silky blond hair while Cris's slid under her shirt, pulling Joana closer and closer.

''Can I stay here tonight?''

Joana nodded against her lips, mumbling a soft 'yes', not bothering asking her mother. She was already confined inside with no phone or laptop, what else could she take from her?

Cris sat up and removed her hoodie to be more comfortable, revealing a black tee shirt with a pink line in the middle. Joana raised her eyebrows, recognizing the piece of clothing. ''My shirt looks better on you,'' she remarked, making her girlfriend blush.

''Sorry... I just- I missed you,'' Cris admitted, a little embarrassed. ''Do you want it back?''

Shaking her head, Joana told her to keep it. She has plenty other shirts.

[textsfromtheborderline]

Q: I'm destroying my relationship because my bf has become my fp. I'm freaking out over him not responding in time, him not answering my calls, after I texted him million texts. My relationship is going downhill and so is my mental health. And I'm the root cause. I'm destroying him too. I'm the worst. I'm despicable. I hate myself so much I started cutting again. I started therapy last week but idk. Do you know how I can make him stop being my fp? Idk how to maintain a healthy distance :( thank you

A: im pretty sure this is a really old ask at this point so im SO sorry for my late response.

first of all: you’re not the cause of the issues, and you shouldnt blame yourself. if any issues are coming from your side it’s the fault of the disorder, not you. as people with bpd, we need to learn to separate ourselves from our disorder if we ever hope to recover. if you’ll notice from my answers across the blog overall, i never refer to us as “borderlines” but rather “people with bpd.” we are not defined by our illness and we can get better. we can recover. we are so much more than a simple disorder and we cant let it control our lives.

i had the same problem with my ex. he was my everything. he was my fp and it killed me when we broke up (even though by the end i wanted to break up also, i just wanted to do it on my terms and when he broke up with ME i ended up positively devastated). my advice is to find a life that belongs to you. a life that is separate from him. 

what did you like doing before you met? did u read? did u draw? did u write? did u paint? did u focus on schoolwork? did u research random facts? did u run? did u dance? did u knit? did u explore? what were ur interests? focus on those. find something that can help u to remove urself from him. he wasn’t ur everything before u met, which means he doesn’t have to be ur everything now.

i remember w my ex (who was the strongest fp relationship i ever had) i was terrified that if i gave him space, he would realize he liked it and he would break up with me. im not gonna lie, in the end, thats what happened. but when i gave him space and he liked it, i realized i liked it too. i wanted my own space. i wanted to be my own person away from him. the only reason i didnt leave first was bc i wanted to wait till after i graduated (we broke up on may 3rd and i graduated on may 17th, so we rly were on the same page there). 

idk where u two are at in ur relationship (esp bc im answering this so late), but the best advice i can give u is to focus on the things u love that aren’t him. maybe u want to share those things with him! and thats amazing! 

but u shouldnt completely turn urself into someone who only likes what he likes. u deserve so much better. follow ur heart and chase after what YOU love. he fell in love with THAT person, and if u can focus on being that, not only will ur relationship thrive, but YOU will thrive.

chase after what you want. chase after the things that make you smile. the people who are worth it will see your joy, your sunshine, your laughter, your light, and they’ll do anything, everything, to keep that around them. 

you deserve only the best. if your fp doesn’t see/acknowledge that...they dont deserve to be your favorite person.

-sydney

[xcourtneymxo]

Life's A Bitch

It's valentines day 2022, I had... yes had, a valentine who is the love of my life plain and simple really but it isn't so simple. We argued yesterday and I gave in and told him I was done. We have been on and off since I was 14 and he was 15, we have lived together, planned our entire future together, and always go back to each other no matter what.

I don't think I can love anyone more than I love him and if I am being honest I fucking hate myself for it, wish I never met that stupid 6ft brown-haired button nosed boy with eyes like earth (green/blue) but I did and who knows where I would be right now if I didn't meet him. Probably at the bottom of some vodka bottle with random girls I didn't really know because that's where I was heading.

When I think about it he actually saved me but also made me want to unalive, to be fair I've always found reasons to unalive since I was about 12, my parents not loving me, my dead papas' cat getting hit by a car after I let him out but best ones got to be being called fat every day in school.

What I am trying to say is maybe it wasn't his fault I have always been and probably always will be mentally ill, but I did warn him when we first met I had BPD (i was 14 shut up, it wasn't even trending on TikTok yet an online quiz told me I had it so I thought I did) and he did amazing while I, on the other hand, was an evil psychotic bitch for about 6 months.

This is where it gets confusing for me because I don't know what went on in his mind when he switched up and I'll probably never know, I blame my weight gain of course because this was during the first covid lockdown back in 2020. He started breaking up with me for about 2-5 days at a time no contact and it was killing me inside because obviously when someone treats you like they adore you and could never be without you then boom they can't stand you it does make you wonder.

This was when I started digging through his e-mails, social media, texts, calls, and probably more can't remember but I found what I was searching for, or what I thought I was searching for but obviously you don't want to see this between the boy you love and girls that are well known as sluts. Just realized I didn't say what I found but it's obvious really he was messaging other girls on fake accounts so I wouldn't see (not going into detail because gross).

What I gathered from this is that I had been getting cheated on from the very start because we got together on 26 of December 2019 and he decided to have a new years party only 1 other girl came and I wasn't the jealous type at this point anyway. I left early wasn't allowed to stay till 12, he blacked out and had a mental breakdown and that's all I got told about that night.

Fast forward 2 whole weeks later one of his best friends I'm sure not even him himself told me this but this bitch at the party tried to get with him and he hid it from me, a red flag already I know I was 14 be quiet. I confronted him pulled him up and said if he continued to be friends with her I was breaking up with him because you know self-worth and he was fine with it.

He invited her to his house with me there a week later, yes I know I probably should have left at this point because this was before I was toxic, I'm not making excuses for my actions but this boy deserved a slap at this moment in time.

Anyway, so fast forward to me going through his Snapchat about 7 months later and what do I find... saved messages of him asking to meet her at the bottom of her flat to have a fag, sounds innocent actually maybe I was just being crazy Courtney.

I wish I was just being crazy there was a bunch of kisses and need to mention my favorite part, oh yes the part saying don't tell anyone about this and her asking "why xxxx" and his reply literally saying something like my burd don't worry about it. Keep in mind this girl is a well-known slut who tried to sleep with him knowing he had a girlfriend who was all over him an hour before and he is wanting to meet in private and hide it from me and I found this out 7 months later and also found out other girls he was talking to.

I have just sat and written 5 paragraphs on that, oh well it shows it fucked me up inside and it still does but I think he has really changed I don't want to keep talking about this aspect of the relationship because it's making me feel really uneasy and upset because there is more, a lot more in fact that I don't even want to start thinking about.

Obviously, it's not all bad I think I just had to get that off my chest.

We loved cooking and baking together just your traditional mac and cheese, spaghetti bolognese, and the cake mix boxes because we couldn't do it right from scratch, our pancakes and maple syrup was an exception though because they were yummy.

When it was just food you stuck in the oven he would cook, that's probably why I gained all the weight but at that point in time I didn't care it was lockdown I wasn't leaving the house it was just me and him (well other people as well but that's a whole other story so they do not exist in this one) against the world.

He made me feel like a woman rather than a fat blob and when he started leaving that is all I felt like 15, fat and alone not really something you want to tell the grandkids about your childhood is it. Now I feel 17, chubby, and lonely since I'm losing weight and getting out there, being in college.

I am trying my hardest to get better for myself not to be selfish but it's something I need to do on my own, I can't depend on a boy to fix my problems because this isn't lockdown anymore it's real-life where you need to leave the house, you need to be well mentally and physically and the relationships past does not help my wellbeing when in the back of my mind constantly is I am going to put on weight and it is just going to happen all over.

I never want to feel like 2020/2021 ever again.

Jamie Mclaughlin if you are reading this I love you but we can't take back the past of us, it's too late. I hope life treats you well if we ever lose contact, we both did things we aren't proud of but I will never cut you off. You are my best friend always and forever never forget that. You know things that I would never tell anyone else and you have never gone behind my back and told my secrets (that I know of...). I could've never predicted the past few years when I first saw you from outside Mcdonalds'.

I said at the start of this I wish I had never met him, writing this has made me realize that's not the case I wish I met him later on in life maybe now, maybe on my college course, maybe on a walk, or even at that same Mcdonalds. Just not back then.

Right Person, Wrong Time :(

[smallblanketfort]

Do you feel like your relationship with bpd/coping with it changed over time? In what ways? What helped for you, what made it worse?

this is.... a really good question. i recently asked one of my best friends if they thought i was getting better, and they said that i coped better, or at least was getting better at removing it from a relationship. which i think is true. i think i’m much better at dealing with it.

quick answer: 1) self awareness helps. know how i feel. avoid what makes it worse. 2) self care is everything esp if it smells good 3) giving myself grace / stop demonizing myself 4) faith in something outside of myself 5) gym/yoga mat as safe space to practice living 6) friends 7) writing the narrative- honestly and hopefully.

also, did you know many people with bpd DO recover? i didn’t know this for a long time! but yeah, something like 75% of people won’t show symptoms after 7-12 years. 

long answer:

i’ve been really trying to identify how i feel and exactly why. it helps me accept this moment as what it is: a feeling is a moment in time and will soon pass. i don’t necessarily believe it, but after so long of going through it, i am more able to hang tight till a bad thing passes, or to communicate that i might be going through xyz. this helps ppl know it’s not personal too.

also, i know what will make it worse. for example, if i experience great happiness, i will soon crash w the same intensity. so, i’ve stopped doing some things that make me super happy, like going to concerts. this sounds depressing, but it’s self care. one of the best things for me: realizing that i need to figure out what will trigger an extreme emotion- and then just stop it. be more gentle. tend to myself. i don’t owe anyone. just breathe.

self care in general. establishing calming routines is huge for me. things that smell good, like skincare and tea. in an environment that looks pleasing to me. 

mostly? i try to stop demonizing myself. i have anxiety, especially in romantic relationships, that i am a toxic person, which prevents me from just being me and being loving, bc i’m scared to let them close enough to see the bpd trait i assume i have. (pro tip,  if you have a bpd friend, don’t tell them they’re manipulative or something. they dont mean to be, at all. call out an action, but don’t generalize. it’s really harmful.)

my relationship with it changed most when i dove into faith and the gym. faith, bc it gives me something to trust that is outside of myself and humans. there’s a psalm over which i wrote “you understand me in all of my complexities, even when i cannot.” and that gives me such comfort. and like, i’m unalone even in my greatest loneliness. studying spirituality/mental awareness is saving me. gifted with thought. the gym.. it’s like a way to actually practice life; there i learn to persevere, even when it’s really hard, even when my brain says “you can’t do it,” but i can, if i focus. and that i will see progress if i keep pushing. it teaches me to give myself grace, to see my strength and to forgive my weaknesses and to find gratitude and joy for what i am capable of.

and my friends. always my friends. proving everything in me wrong, daily.

finally, i wrote a poetry chapbook. it tells a narrative from darkness to honest healing. it gives me hope. i flipped my own script.

this was such a good question, i’m so glad you answered and that i got to think through this. thank you so much. i hope this helps someone... 

[aquarianlights]

Most important Planned Parenthood Meeting in years tomorrow...

Fucking pray for me or send me positive vibes or do a fucking ritual or sacrifice a goddamn virgin for me please because I have NO IDEA what to expect at my HRT meeting tomorrow at Planned Parenthood and I've been going there and working with them for 3 years and I'm expecting to know by the end of the session either a "No, pending, or yes" on whether I can start HRT or not. And if it's yes, then when. Pending, then on what and when. No, then moot point on all the other options they've always reassured me I have because I just can't do this without T-therapy so I'm fucking done if they deny me for HRT after all these years of fighting... I don't have any fight left in me to even go to get a second opinion from a less reliable source [aka anyone who isn't associated with PPH].

But now I'm realizing they may not give me those answers... and I may walk out with more questions than answers. And if I get told no, it will destroy me more than anything ever has in my life... from the inside out. I can't live like this anymore. I cannot and I will not.

It's not that I don't appreciate my doc always sitting down with me and reassuring me that there are other options to transition and that I can still transition successfully without T... But I can't do it ...NATURALLY....without T... and it just won't feel real to me, personally.... and I feel sick. I never get nervous or anxious about appointments. Especially not PPH appointments. I feel like Planned Parenthood is almost like my home away from home... my safe space. But now I'm terrified to walk through those bulletproof doors and be buzzed in.... I'm about to start hyperventilating and need to reach for some valium just thinking about it.

I hope to god they allow my friend as my support system for my appointments or I may not make it through this alive tomorrow. Thank fuck he agreed immediately to come with me and be my support system through a 2+ hour appointment and a possible blood draw + waiting room time + a 3 hr drive there + a 3 hr drive back... That's a true friend right there. We've known each other since sophomore year of high school. He's about to turn 26 and I just turned 26 this month. Fucking crazy. We will be doing other stuff while we are there.. and will be reuniting with another high school friend we had in our expansive circle we haven't seen in a while we are both excited about but it'll be after my appointment so I may either be on top of the world, anxious and preoccupied, or just crushed, lethargic, apathetic, angsty, moody, snappy, angry, and just plain broken to the core...and very, VERY suicidal l....taking any chance I can get to escape to my car while they catch up to go down every pill in my car. Or slice that one spot that will render me incapable of ever working in the medical field if someone were to "save" me, but would kill me in 20 minutes or less guaranteed, make me pass out cold 10 minutes in or less also guaranteed. Or ...do something else to end it. Who knows. The extremeness of my BPD would drive my impulsivity and command response auditory hallucinations in my brain to an all time high and I wouldn't be able to stop to think about a single thing I was doing. It would just be too much. I've gone through so much "worse" and handled all that so much "better" in the eyes of everyone looking in... But from a personal standpoint.. as a transman... Who has been fighting for this to years and has adamantly made up his mind after debating for SO long.......... I need this. I need this NOW. TOMORROW, NOW.

FUck, if they don't let me bring my friend as supper Idk wrf I'm gonna do other than be catatonic the whole damn 2+ hours......till I hear the prognosis... Or lack thereof.

So please... just sacrifice your virgins for me tonight. I beg of you. It is 3am rn. I leave at 9:30am at the VERY latest. Hopefully more like 8:30-9:00am. . .but we'll see. Appt is at 1pm. Having Ehlers Danlos puts a damper on driving long distances straight without stopping to stretch and run around and such so have to leave with at least a half hour to an hour to spare.... Plus traffic. Ugh. Need to lay down and rest my joints and muscles. Three appoints of 3 hr there and 3 hr back has killed me. With 6 days of no sleep. Thank fuck 20mg of ambien got me 8 solid hours of sleep with no interruption. Coz my body didn't pass out naturally for 4-6 hrs on day 6 like normal so I had to induce it. Weird. Whatever.

Time to fucking lay down and...panic and die.

Fucking pray for me or smth.

[thoughts-full-of-sand]

mess

Its been a mess for a while. A huge mess I've been trying to sort out for years, but the every time I get the feeling that I got close to untangling it, something happens and i realize a whole new part of that mess that i didn't see before. I won't write about how I got here because i can't be fucked. Right now I am dealing with knots i thought i figured out, some that i never could and a whole new knot that is intertwining with the first one. well actually all of my knots intertwine with the one i thought i got and i made me belive that once i solve it it will all untangle, which i still belive it will its just....a mess. lets start with the one i never got i guess. knot 1. The obligation. this knot has been there since i could remember. School, Uni (Unies), motivation, procrastination. Basically things my ADD directly impacts. Oddly enough, the intertwining knot i mentioned erlier helped me a lot in managing this one. I had to learn to siphon every once of will i have to work on it if i can't untangle it i will at least do my absolute best trying to do so, and i will untangle every small part i can or even force it open till i can have a way through even if its a tight one. That doesnt make dealing with it any easier though, just makes me put mire effort. With being at the end of a trimester, and the overwhelming fear that this is my last chance. If i fail again I am done. knot 2. The life goal. This is the important one. The one that got me trying again after i gave up. Its the love of my life. My life goal. My only real friend. The only one i truly loved. The only thing that made me experience true happiness. The only thing i was ever willing to fight for. The one i share every thing with, even this post I write knowing well i will share it with them even though i will not censor or coat any thing i need to get of my chest. Them being all those things made me feel like i found the thing that will make me happy, and all i gotta do is get them. live with them. go through it together, and how fortunate i am that they love me back, but ofcourse nothing is that easy. i met them at a time i was a total wreck, and because of living in denial of my horrible metal state I couldn't deal with their mental illness after we found out they have their own big knot to tangle. Enter BPD. The more i learn about it the scarier it gets. The more i ask the mire daunting it seems. "Dont bother" they told me. and for a dreaded may i listened for a bit. and that was the most painful thing i went through. As hard as it was for me I knew it was 10 times harder for them. the answer seemed simple after a bit, "as long as they seek treatment and i learn how to deal with it and support them we will have the life we want some day" I thought, honestly still makes perfect sense. the issue was saying that after i had already hurt them by listening to them, they took it in a bad way (along with a lot of other things, most of them rightfully so). Eventually i could not bare it anymore. I had to mend things and my only condition was treatment and i was promised that it would be the case once its available. Okay all good now, i will have to deal with it until they're ready and able to get treated. Welllll here is where i thought i got it. months and months after with my love for them growing by the day. after a lot of tough spots in our individual life, until a recent incident that happend in their life due to a very bad mental state led to them being taken away from my for a month. my mental health deteriorated horribly without them, and i had to not only endure the one person i care about being taken away, I also had to hide it from my family, maintain knot 1 as best i could and deal with my severe anxiety that sky rocketed from the lack of info. After they came back we were both at a new low when it came to mental fortitude. I had lost control over my anxiety, and they had lost control over their BPD. The thing with both those illnesses is that the worse you feel the worse they get. For them every thing gets either black or white when it reaches this point, and for me i always thought of the black. My mind would say "if they dont assure me then they dont love me as much" and knowing that its irrational i keep it in and keep keeping it in, until i break. When I break i ask for assurance, but their mind tells them if they need assurance then they can't see your efforts, and i end up making them upset. they seem to feel hurt. and i feel abandoned in my time of need. It got so bad for both of us that i decided to completely ignore my needs, but sadly ignoring your need for water doesn't make you any less thirsty. I eventually couldn't keep going this way. I needed to learn how to not need this and i have been trying since then and still am. i would spend every day working while i listen to books to help me understand what they go through and how to control my anxiety , and spending time with them. I saw their effort but they didnt think i did. I saw their pain but they didnt think i did. and i was doing every thing i can. The issue wasnet that i believed that there is no effort. The issue was that it wasnet the effort i needed. The effort i needed was the same sort they did. I needed their effort to understand their brain and control it as best they can, and i did every thing i could to hide my need for that. I decided to do my part in stead. I decided to work on understanding my brain and try to deal with it as best i could, because they had a lot more shit to deal and cope with. Only my effort wasnet enough, with how bad my mental state was I just couldn't control my anxiety as much as they needed me to. I needed their support, but i felt like i couldn't ask for it because it would mean that their efforts are not seen by me. and once i started breaking again, I decided that i have to express my need so both of us can talk and understand that we both need to work on the parts that hurt the other, so that we can over come them like we always do. Only to be surprised by them expressing that this is extremely hurtful to them, it seemed to me that they saw me as a selfish. I felt like i all the times i explained how hard it is for me was not heard. I felt guilty for how i made them feel. I felt upset because i felt like my needs and efforts were disregarded. I felt like i shouldnt feel upset because i understand how this would make perfect sense to them. As i try flusterlly to clear out all these misunderstandings and accusations i felt i was receiving, my heart stopped at its tracks when they ask for a break. all those feelings were x10ed. I felt guilty for making them feel this way to the point i wanted to hurt my self. I felt upset because i belived that my needs dont matter to them when they inconvenienc theirs to the point i wanted to punch the wall next me. I felt so bad for feeling upset because i still knew that this is just how their mind made sense of things to cope. And I filt so scared of losing them because they might believe all those things their mind is telling them that I wanted to kill my self before they leave me or before they kill themselves. Along with all these confusions and conflicting thought came a whole new knot. Knot 3. self respect. I never had self respect I never demanded my needs from any one. I only would manipulate them or make them sympathised with me to get them. I am a coward. I won't do that anymore. I have responsibilities that i need to respect and i have needs that i needs and rights that i need to enforce. that i need to That came to mind because of something i noticed. I felt from what they said that their needs and rights matter to them and that made perfect sense to me only i wanted us to meet half way since our needs conflict. I also intruprated some thing they said that my anxiety is ultimately my problem and its my responsibility and i need to deal with it. and both of those things i had no trouble with and made perfect sense to me. So why am i not applying that to me and their side. I should assert my rights and not ignore my needs. Also their BPD is ultimately their problem and they need to deal with it, just like i need to deal with my anxiety so it doesn't hurt the ones i love. I also believe firmly that the best way to go at it is to support and help each other achive those responsibilities. So i agreed to the break so i can work on my anxiety and i expressed that i want them to work on their BPD. but i didnt have the space to have a conversation so i believed i failed at explaining it properly. I was terrified of hoe they would react because i dont know what they might have intruprated what i said and if they take it in a bad way it could lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms, and i was worried at them. but i had to accept the situation as it was and move on. Well, my fear came true, i found out today that they had an OD since they'd turned to drugs to cope. I almost lost them. I almost lost the one thing i care about about. I almost had my biggest nightmare become a reiality. I am now more confused than ever, and i feel powerless. if i just mend things with no discussion and mutual agreement i will eventually start feeling the same way and hurt them again. If i stand my ground with no discussion they may keep interpreting my feeling and words the wrong way and feel even worse and get more reckless because of it. if i just dont talk about it and fix things i will go mad trying to figure out how to control my anxiety at the highest point it has ever been in my life. if i demand they talk i will be breaking our agreement for a break. if i beg they talk i will be going back to the way i always acted. if i take the easy way out i will have given up, and i dont give up aslong as there is any hope. all i can do is wait for them to see the big picture which i cant even expect them to do because i am not even having a chance to share my pov and express why i believe that this is what we need to do. i am tired. and i am stressed. I honestly just wish i could sleep a whole month off or better of die.

[incorrectgrayson-toddquotes]

3.Most common argument?

Bruce. Aside from their casual trifles, it would be Bruce. He just has the talent to piss Jason off ( and because of the ISSUE™ between them, of course), and Dick just way too often stands on Bruce’s side when the conflicts happen, that pisses Jason even more and become another ISSUE™  to them.

4.Favorite non-sexual activity?

Dick loves cuddles! If they have spare time ( my poor babies), they would lie on the sofa or bed, watching TV together, or Jason would read his book ( novels? Biography? Poetry?) while Dick lying on him, browsing his phone or just enjoying the cuddle. 

5.Who is most likely to carry the other?

Jason, because he’s bigger? Sometimes he would just grabs Dick up and put him where he want him to be, like what he does in this post. I believe that Dick is also strong enough to carry Jason, but it happens more on emergency situation, like Jason was serious injured so? And I think Dick maybe actually like to be carried around, he finds it kinda fun ( he LOVES the higher place, maybe he would CLIMB on Jason? ), as long as Jason is not removing him from work. 

6.What is their favorite feature of their partner’s?

Jason loves Dick’s eyes and smiles, they calm and comfort him, remind him who he is and where he is.

Dick loves Jason’s hands and hugs. Being touched and held tight makes him feel safe and less worried 

7.What’s the first thing that changes when they realize they have feelings for the other?

They will fucking AVOID each other! In my mind they realized their feelings when the situation between Red Hood and the Bat clan was still tense, Dick was trying to reach Jason personally to talk™, while Jason did want to hang with Dick but did’t want be talked™. So after a few awkward ran-into-each-others and uncomfortable team-ups, they started to realized something is weird between them and kinda freaked out, not knowing what to do about it. So they avoided each other, meanwhile Jason tried to repair his mental status more actively, and Dick was composing his mind to make sure what the feelings are. 

13.Who reaches for the other’s hand first?

Normally it’s Dick, he’s the clinging one. But when something goes wrong and Dick needs comfort, then Jason will get his.

15.Who wakes up first?

Jason. I think his sleep schedule is the most healthy one in this family aside from Damian’s. If everything goes right, no big cases for Red Hood, Jason will get up first and make breakfast for Dick before he goes to BPD.

18.Who leaves little notes in the other’s one lunch? (Bonus: what does it usually say?)

Jason, because he’s more likely to reach Dick’s lunch (makes it/ brings it for him?) while Dick usually has lunch at BPD. The notes would say something like “ Don’t work too late.”, “ Demon spawn called.” or some mild flirts. One time he quoted a poem, and got made fun of, he never did that again till Dick wooed him and said it’s so romantic that he wanted more.

24.Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear during inappropriate times?

Dick while they go out as civilians and during some boring stakeouts, he likes to see his boyfriend get embarrassed and frustrated cause Jason is not into PDA.  But it would be Jason when they’re in the manor or Batcave, or just when other family members are around. Dick always tries to be the big brother™, and Jason just won’t let him.

26.What would be their theme song?

Lock Me Up by The Cab. The lyric is literally Jaydick, honestly.

But I like Take My Hand by Simple Plan as well! 

( Both with Jason POV, I’d love to know if you got any Dick POV songs!

29.one headcanon about this OTP that breaks your heart

There is one but it’s not my own headcanon, however it broke my heart so I decide to let you suffer with me.

Because of the Lazarus pit, Jason will no longer age. So when Dick or even Tim are in their fifty, forty, Jason still looks like mid twenty. He always be mistaken as Dick’s son while being his boyfriend (husband even ). Everyone he knows is aging but him, and there is nothing he can do.

There are some fics about this but I don’t want to be reminded, so you have to find them yourselves. ( die

30.one headcanon about this OTP that mends it.

You can see how much I love Literature nerd! Jason, I like to imagine he’s also into art films and slow burn dramas, while Dick’s more into B-movies, actions and cheesy rom-coms. So Dick falls asleep or keeps asking questions ever times when Jason picks the movie, and Jason just can’t stop judging the plot when it’s Dick’s turn. But they keep doing it anyway, just to enjoy each other’s company.

Thanks for sending questions!

OTP question meme is still open, so is Sentence Prompts!

[melloroom]

Dont fucking bully people

The impossibility of being diagnosed as a sufferer of a painful and very permanent thing as APBS (adult post bullying syndrome) lies in how well I am able to perfectly describe it, whether i can remember enough incidents to show a pattern, finding a person who believes they happened the way i perfectly (sarcasm) described, effectively transcribing my experiences so that they can examine them as if they just witnessed them, and having that person care enough to listen and do all those things. and have that person be in a position to do something about it. SPOILER; I can't do these things. I can never describe every event that I experienced. I can try to describe life for me how it used to be.

I used to be 15 for example, and had a room and went to a school and lived in a fairly small town and had a mother and father. My father didn’t work and my mother was a family practice doctor. They were christians and optimists generally, and believed in being “good” and that “bad” was not what they were. If they ever deviated from “good” behavior, it was still effectively “good” behavior because, “justification.” My father, dad, justified everything. My dad justified hitting me with having a traumatic childhood, and being beaten by his own dad. My dad justified violently overreacting to minor offenses in chore neglect and other forms of neglect by me and my siblings because we are doing it to “try to make him angry, or WANT to show how little we care about his well being” because its life or death if the kitchen gets cleaned. and he felt it was fine to put words in my mouth, and even create a voice for me. a literal voice. I mean speak out loud as if he were me and say that that is me and that is what I am saying even when i disagree. And I could never disagree. Disagreement is admission to subordination or defensiveness, and defensiveness is evidence of disrespect and hostility. In my dads eyes, it’s fine to react to my hostility (the one he projected) and crush it. crush it until there is nothing but a broken person in front of him. He’d use voice, manipulation tactics, gas lighting, demeaning, condescending, being sexist, and being physically and visually violent to get me to the stages of crying, shivering, begging for mercy, begging to be left alone, or screaming to be dead. I can’t really describe having this continue 2 - 5 times a week, 8 to 20 times a month from early childhood till age 20.

So but what’s impossible too is aside from those incidents that lasted 10 minutes to an hour a piece? the rest of the time? he was a “nice” person who did a lot of apologizing (not learning or growing so much but). Yes, even in my eyes now. I love my dad. I love my dad and I’m 24 and I hit myself when I feel shame because I think i deserve it, but not that he deserves to feel bad. Mostly because I suspect he has BPD and i KNOW he has depression.

Sidenote: apbs is connected to extreme empathy, i’m not shitting you people are selling that as one of the “positive outcomes” of having it. As in here is how this is good so we don’t need to treat it like a problem.

but it is a problem for me. as a result of APBS I can’t trust people, I create a voice of pure judgment FOR people closest to me (kind of like him) and make myself repeat it and listen to it unfiltered every hour. I engage in over shopping, over drinking, over smoking, over eating, and excessive alone time indulging in other distractions to cope with the blowout of shame and self hatred. I can’t balance my mind between optimism and pessimism ultimately being hurt by both. Being too optimistic has meant pouring myself (sometimes time, money, energy, etc) into something I hoped for that wasn’t realistic and losing any positive emotion (and did i mention money) I’d invested leaving me drained and sometimes broke. OR of course there’s pessimism, I pretty much just label that as depression and call it a day. No middle ground. I do not live a healthy lifestyle of learning from mistakes if I make them. I either am a loser or a winner. either I’m worthless or better than the people around me (I labeled this as narcissistic personality disorder but turns out its simply a bi-product of my contrasted mentality that haha i can’t unlearn). Oh and also I have rage problems. It's violent tendencies like kicking walls or screaming, or breaking things, or anger at reliving trauma like what you would associate with ptsd (but not quite). Its not the same because the outbursts don't occur RIGHT AFTER being triggered. they are slowly built up (called having a longer fuse) and pre-empted by ruminating on pervasive, negative thoughts. So yay, they often happen when I’m alone so no one can check them.

I need to see a therapist because I’m getting to realize now that I’m living in a pattern that I have to either break or at the very least heavily acknowledge. I tried so hard to forget what brought me here or that anything is wrong Im scared I wont be able to explain it or be believed.

[purplesurveys]

87

What’s your favourite flavour of jam? I hate jam. I never want to see it anywhere near my bread, nor my desserts. And what’s your name? Hello, I’m Robyn :-) Are you a fast runner? I used to be fast enough that I made it to our track team, but I haven’t run a lot in quite some time so I don’t know about now. I got a bit sluggish over the past few years I think. At school was is/was the main reason you get/got in trouble? I never made my parents sign the circulars being given, nor did I take deadlines seriously. I found grade/high school dumb even then so I never really put in my 100% because it would be irrelevant in college. I was right. Are you an independent person? No. I’m terribly scared; I need opinions; I always need somebody by my side.

Is there any singer’s voice you cannot bear to listen to? Meghan Trainor, Alessia Cara.. When was the last time you were on a bouncy castle? Years ago. Definitely more than ten years back by now. Have you ever went on a bouncy castle whilst drunk? No but now you’ve given me an idea. Have you ever entered an art competition? If I wanted to embarrass myself I’d join one. No I haven’t - I didn’t quite get the gift of being creative. Are you competitive in nature? Yeah, very. I take everything as a competition and tend to beat myself up when I see myself being ‘second’ to somebody. Would you ever pierce yourself? No thanks. What is something people automatically assume about you? That I’m reserved and can sometimes have a little attitude, which is not at all false. What you see is what you get with me, I guess.

Do you make your views heard or do you hide in the background? I make them heard. I can be a bit of a punk when it comes to my opinions, which is probably a bad thing. But I have a big mouth that would be insane if I silenced it. Do you have many friends from foreign countries? I mean, when I was in the wrestling community on Tumblr and Twitter, yeah. I had tons of friends from North America, South America, Europe...my interest kind of waned after a bit though and so did my relationships with them. What is one thing you will never do? Own a pet cat. My sister recently got one, so this can be already technically false, but she solely takes care of her and I only very rarely interact with the cat. I’d never have one of my own. Are there any commercials that make you sad?  All the Asian ones about insurance companies get me LOL Do you require other peoples opinion’s a lot? Require as in force them out of them? Never. I’d ask what they think of something in a super open-minded way, but would never voluntarily get into debates. What is one food that you detest? Pineapple. Have you ever been pantsed in public? No. Unclipping bras became hugely popular in fifth grade though. It was stupid. Do you like stationary shopping (pens, etc)? No. Will you do my English essay for me? Depends on what it’s about, but sure. Do you ever leave things until the last minute then wish you did them sooner? Some tasks, I guess yeah. But I don’t feel like this about schoolwork; the later I do something the better the product, and I learned that through the years :/ Do you ever try to decipher the meanings of your dreams? No. But I’ve had more than a handful of dreams lately with the same theme of my girlfriend getting shot instead of me, and although I’m not losing sleep trying to find the meaning, it sure has had me puzzled for a while now. Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and then can't get back to sleep because your brain has gone into overdrive? Yes, but it isn’t about overdrive or anything like it. It’s just me. Do you live in a safe neighborhood? Yeah, very safe. Gated, lots of guards on watch, lots of streets so no one knows where you live, stuff like it. Have you ever watched the movie Braveheart? I haven’t. Did your parents dress you in humiliating clothes when you were little? Sometimes, yes. My mom used to make me wear a polo and a necktie and it made me hugely uncomfortable at the time. I still don’t know what made her do it. Is there any festivals your planning on going to this summer? The Hot Air Balloon Festival is coming up next February (not really summer but whatever) and my family plans on going again :) We went there seven years ago; I don’t know why we didn’t make it a yearly thing afterwards since it was so fun! Also how is 2010 seven years ago? Have you ever watched the Eurovision song contest? No. When I used to have online friends in Europe I used to dread when Eurovision season came up, because no one understood what they were talking about, and it happened FOR DAYS   When you have a cut do you ever feel the urge to poke it? Haha sure. Hooray for hurting myself. What is the last thing you did that shocked someone? Cut my hair till my neck. Shocked my siblings. Do you remember the original theme tune to Pokemon? Of course. I WANNA BE THE VERY BEST THAT NO ONE EVER WAAAAS DUN DUN DUNDUUUNNN Do you like that new book smell? It’s very pleasant, yes; but I don’t live for it like others. Are you good at giving directions? LMAO I’m really not. When someone asks me for a building around campus all I can say is “It’s on the other side.” I’m awful. What is the last thing that disappointed you? Last night. Events I anticipate that then turn out to be a bummer disappoint me more than anything. My BPD acted up and I was very hard to deal with as a result. How do you like your tea? No tea. Can you open your mouth very wide? Sure, I guess...it’s why I eat large ass cheeseburgers all the time. What was the reason for your last x-ray? I had a physical for UP. Funnily enough it was one of the few times I got X-rayed and they had to find out I had scoliosis. Do you ever say really inappropriate things at the wrong time? Yes. My mouth has a bad habit of doing this. What is the last piece of advice you received? As in any advice? Welp, I asked Gab for help regarding yearbook work, and she laid it all out for me. Have you ever read Murphy’s law? Yup, but I forgot where I heard it. Did you have a rebellious phase growing up? I did. I was a terrible teen. Some of my mindsets and habits have continued to this day, but I was much worse as a 13 year old. What religion were you brought up with? Roman Catholic. Are you still that religion? No. Do you have any plans for this week? Try to get my mind off of things, get back for my second sem, and hopefully have fun :) When is the last time you just wanted to give up everything? Last night. It was a bad case of dissociation, I didn’t feel like I was anywhere at the time, and I had to drive home all the way from Ortigas at midnight. Just awful in every sense of the word. Do you think your parents did a good job raising you? They did and gave me everything they can, I’m not going to deny this. But they somehow failed on giving me the care I needed. There is a difference. What is the most common name where you live? Maria. Do/Did you have a teacher at school who just despised your mere existence? Ugh, there were a handful of them. When Gab and I came back to the school fair a couple of weeks ago, we happened to pass by some of these teachers who allegedly despise me. So I told Gab about each and everyone of them and by the fourth time I said, “This teacher hated me too,” I realized how much of a pain in the ass I was to a lot of my teachers looooool Do you like to wear sunglasses? Not really. I don’t like my vision being dimmed, plus I’d have to wear them with actual eyeglasses because I’m virtually blind. Are you a selfless person? I can be, especially with people I love. Is there anyone mad at you these days? I think everyone is... Do you often find yourself questioning your future? Yes. What’s on your mind right now? Last night and how I can’t cope with it very well because I was horrible and I can’t stop beating myself up about it. Answering a survey or two really helps, though.

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🌙🌙Izzy Here; Your Worth It🌙🌙

🔥⭐️🌈Hey It’s Izzy (obviously lol) Your All Enough && Yo All Worth It, Fuck What The World && Society Tells U && Excpects U To Be xx I help everyone and everything obsessively, but I wish I could change the world , fix everything and everyone. This society disgusts me , this is a lesson I learned in my early childhood, the world is full of hate , salt and sugar look the same, and some people are disgusting, not everyone u associate with is your friend . I wanna save fix help care love be there , be by your side till the end no matter what, I’m here for you, don’t let anyone change who u are, ur not alone . I’m here for all y’all always, fuck all those assholes who try to mess with u . Fuck It Man, I love all y’all, and a big fuck u to all the abusers out there, just cuz u have a bad day doesn’t mean you have to make other people’s day bad as well. You Are You && Theres Only One , Be Kind , U Never Know What Someone’s Going Thru , I’ve been tortured raped and abused most of my life , I have over 10+ mental illnesses, and I’m watching the world being destroyed, yes I’ve fucked up in the past, no one is perfect, yes I’ve been an asshole , but I’m fixing it now. For all y’all who are going through shit and even if you are not, you matter YOUR feelings are valid , thank u for breathing, you’ve come this far, don’t give up now, I’m proud of y’all, and I’m here for u , message me anytime:) stay strong!!-Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez (me)🌈⭐️🔥 🦋🦋TRIGGER WARNING!!!! hey it’s Izzy here, and yes I wrote all this, you are YOU && YOUR AN AMAZING YOU! sure u make mistakesX but that doesn’t define u as a person, if u have a mental illness(es) that doesn’t define u at all, it only makes u stronger , ur stronger than you realize , your battling your mind every day and night , your a warrior , if your thinking about hurting yourself or thinking of suicide, don’t do it , trust me I’ve been there , you may think hope is lost but I’ll be ur hope, as hard as it is to ask for help, it’s one step closer to u not being dead, I know for some of us being alive is painful, dealing with abuse torture rape etc any kind of trauma , and u feel alone, put ur hand over your heart, feel it for about 30 seconds, feel that? That’s purpose , to those of u who have been bullied, I wish I could fix it, but what they say about u is a reflection of themselves, I know it doesn’t make it any better, but they will get there karma, U ARE NONE OF THOSE THINGS AND THERE TRICKING U TO THINK THAT ITS TRUE ! not all people are good and not all people are bad, to those of you who feel like giving up, stay one more night , I know it’s not easy , but I’ll stay up all night with u until ur ok, suicide takes. Away ur pain but passes it on to someone else, u may not think there gonna be affected by it , some won’t but some will, on one of my suicide attempts I never thought my friend cared cus she showed she didn’t care, her dog was wining and howling when I was on the floor and I was fading In and out , my friend called 911. And after that incident the dog passed away , and my friend tried to take there life , I’m glad ur alive hun I’m glad ur breathing that ur here, the world wouldn’t be the same without u , I would miss u. To those of u with mental illnesses ANXIETY: I have this one, your mind is tricking u, u gotta our run ur anxiety , I’ve had anxiety attacks so bad I ended up in the emergency room, I want u to step back , I want u to turn on LoFi Radio (there’s an app) and meditate to it , I want u to breathe In for 4 seconds , hold for 4, and let out 4, but do it slow , and remember WHO THE FUCK U ARE! If any of you are on the urge of feeling out of ur body crawling out of your skin , can’t breathe , everything’s either speeding up or slowing down, you think everyone and everything is after u, it may not be easy . But I’m here for you. BIPOLAR: I have bipolar mixed episodes , and I’m manic and I become dangerous , I feel like I’m on top of the world , what I need u todo is sit somewhere that u can use all ur senses , and use each time one to snap back into reality, sometimes are senses are intensifying and we can’t control it , but u need to see a doctor for medication, and DO NOT STOP UR MEDICATION COLD TURKEY (all at once) it takes a couple weeks for medication to kick in and adjust to your body . Go into the mirror and scream (if u can) that ur a survivor u are strong u are worth it and keep doing it until u believe it, It will take time. PTSD: I have this one as well , first off u are Not ur trauma cx and remember that u will see triggers constantly, think about this, ur not there anymore , u are not who u were back then, I have flashbacks constantly that it happens every day , write a letter to yourself and or ur trauma as a whole , I’m here for you , I know trauma from top to bottom , if ANY of u wanna talk to me about it , u don’t have to , I’m always here. Ur not alone , I go to outpatient therapy, not a lot recently tho , but If u keep bottling shit up it’s gonna explode one way or another ,I’m not a therapist or a professional. DEPRESSION: I have this one to, you feel hopeless, I’ll be ur hope, u feel worthless, u feel like ur drowning in an ocean and u can’t swim, u feel like darkness is controlling you, ur depression is lying to u, u are worth it your important you are enough! U matter ! U are not worthless or whatever ur depression is telling u , it’s not “trendy” to have a mental disorder y’all, ur depression keeps u In bed , u lose motivation so much where u can’t even eat , or lack or to much sleep, I want u to fight it , push thru , I kno , easier said than done, but u gotta force yourself to do it , if u literally can’t move ur body, trust me I’ve been there, I want u to think of something that u would get out of bed for (emergencies, saving someone) something that motivates u more than anything in the world, and count backwards from 10 and I know it’s not easy , but moving around decreases ur depression than staying in one spot , overthinking is something I need to work on. ADHD/OCD/ODD: I have all of those snap your fingers when ur trying to concentrate on something and only focus on the snapping of the finger , OCD fight off the urge to follow thru ur routine and think if I don’t tap my fingers a certain amount of times , is the outcome of not following thru logical? As much As u believe something bad is gonna happen , it’s just ur mind playing annoying paranoid tricks on u. Once again it’s easier said than done. AUTISM: u are NOT STUPID RETARDED SLOW ETC! U are actually the sweetest caring people out there , take ur time c ur doing the best you can, so what if u learn slower than others , ur smart and amazing in ur own way , if u know someone who is Autistic , don’t judge them they are people to, be patient with them! I have high functioning autism. BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: to be honest I didn’t know what this was until a doctor at in one of the mental hospitals I was in diagnosed me with it , then it all made sense, my advice is to remember to NOT let ur emotions and explosions control u , we are Not attention seekers , when u have extreme emotions or emotion and/or intensified emotions is to remember we’re not ourselves when it’s happening, and when u come back from it u regret it , right? And the next time u have one of ur breakdowns is to have someone observe where it starts and when it stops so u know ur triggers . A lot of people think it’s “cool and trendy” to have BPD, newsflash Karen, u don’t know and it makes it harder to have it cuz people like u think it’s cool, step a day in our shoes, if u don’t have it don’t pretend to , and this also goes for other mental illnesses, no one is gonna be impressed by u having a “mental illness” cus u think it will get u places. Don’t let anyone bring u down or change you! INSOMNIA: I have insomnia, what I do is download sleep and meditation apps on my phone , if u want message me if u want some suggestions for apps I use . DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY FUED: I have this one to, I dissociate most of the day, I can’t process where I am and o go to many different alternative universes, I feel like I’m in a dream or a movie , what I do is ground myself and even if I can’t process it I use all my senses together and try to break back into reality. I meditate all day and I snap my fingers and try to process where and who I am , I know easier said than done . ANOREXIA AND BULIEMIA: I have Anorexia, u are not fat ugly etc , ur slowly killing yourself , I can’t give u advice on this one cus I wouldn’t follow it, I would be a hypocrite. MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: I have this one as well, what I do is try to remember who the hell u were when it started , its hard I know , but I’m here for you NARCOLEPSY: I have this, I don’t know any advice cuz I don’t know myself but I would consult a perfessional SCHIZOAFFECTIVE/SCHIZOPHRENIA: I have schizoaffective, study ur voices visions demons alters etc. and drown them out with loud music or just listen to LoFi and meditate I try and snap my fingers by my ear , and then ask myself , is this real? Even if you can’t tell the difference, try to ask someone’s round u, did u hear/see that ? PARANIOA: I have this , same advice I gave on my schizoaffective disorder , ask someone who you can trust if it’s real or not but make sure there around u, scream at the demons . Anyways , thank u for being alive for being here for breathing!me having over 10 mental illnesses makes it hard To help myself but easy to help others I’m here always, Stay Alive_Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez (Me)🦋🦋

[ratlittle1]

I Cannot Believe I Have To Explain The Shit I Went Through In Detail So People Will Understand How Fucked Up Everything Was and How Badly It Hurt Me

I told him I told him I felt I had BPD that I had so many symptoms and I fit more than the criteria needed and he shot it down. I shut my mouth, and when everything bursted into flames he used all those symptoms against me. I told him of my specific traumas and triggers and my flaws that made me weak and vulnerable which causes me to act out/in. He used all that information against me. I gave him everything he needed to paint me in a light that’s false.

My abandonment issues: I’m controlling and won’t let him leave. I made it difficult for him to leave me. Also used this to laugh at me.

-I told him I had BPD by saying I met enough criteria he shot it down like I said. I figured he did not believe I had those qualities although I did have them.

-He uses my fear of abandonment twists it into me being controlling of him leaving when in reality it was me begging him to please be clear with our relationship. That if he wasn’t going to stay with me to Please Please leave me so I don’t fall apart. I told him I cannot handle a gray relationship. Either he is with me or he isn’t. That is Not Controlling. I Gave him a decision. HE Chose to stay when he did and leave when he did. It is a lie to say I forced him or pressured him to stay. Telling him I cared and valued what we had is not Manipulation in making him stay with those words.

-When one day I was at a party with him I felt like the other girls around that he knew were much prettier than me so I felt jealous when he spoke to one of them in particular that night. After they spoke and introduced me to her I was acting odd because I felt I was not good enough and he’d leave me when he realized that. I expressed I felt jealous and scared and threatened. He laughed at me. Told me I didn’t have to be and that was silly. After this he would tease me about any girl he knew and came into contact with in front of me. He was laughing at my insecurity and fears. That’s not okay… he’d spend time talking to them just to look at me out of the corner of his eye and smirk then teasing me about whether I felt jealous and threatened after his interaction.

Intense Emotional Responses: I’m Manipulative and trapping him with the intensity of my emotions. I am a mess and he is just stuck in the storm that is my emotions.

-Yet again I Fucking Told Him about this. He said I was normal. Maybe a little sensitive but normal. Nothing wrong with me I’m fine. He broke it down so I Would Be Normal so that when things went to shit I Would Look Like I’m Crazy. Because I was fine before right? He made me feel like maybe I wasn’t as ill as I thought then when I was set off emotionally I Suddenly Am Too Much. He soothed me when I felt I was too much so I felt at peace I was calm then he lit the ground I was on on fire then said I Was Responding Too Much.

Dissociation: I told him about this, like I said earlier. His response was “Wow you have incredible repression skills” I agreed and laughed because oh wow he found that cool? Nice! He doesn’t think my repression skills are gross since they stemmed from trauma. My ability to repress memories of hurt and pain interested him very much to where he was happy about it.

-The one time I did dissociate was when he kept going even though I had pleaded with him to stop. I was Clear in telling him I Did Not Want To Go Any Further. Please don’t take off my underwear please. And he ignored me and we had a physical struggle of me trying to hold my underwear to my body and him trying to forcefully take them off. Until I yelled at him “Are you aware of what you are doing?!” To where he just responded “Yes.” Looking me dead in the eyes and my mind could not handle the possibilities of what that meant and what Could Happen to me. I was physically so much weaker and no one was around. I recall emotionally crashing and then beginning to dissociate. My next memory is of laying on the bed no longer able to move my body and my vision blurred. The next thing is the feeling of air hitting my skin where my underwear should have stayed in place. I remember trying my hardest to look to see if I was right and he had pulled off my underwear in the front completely and since I was laying down the back part of my underwear was still on. I remember feeling helpless and hopeless. I was ready to let anything happen to me. I accepted he Could and Might rape me. He already sexually assaulted me… this was obviously the next step. You can protest all you want that he didn’t so He didn’t hurt me. I’m being emotional for no reason. Do you not understand I begged him to stop advancing and he ignored me? Physically overpowered me? He had done things to me before when I pleaded no and to stop? I went from fighting for myself to feeling like I had no power whatsoever as to what would happen to me. I literally accepted he could do Anything to me. And I Couldn’t stop him. Imagine feeling that way. Had someone done that to you? Right you really can’t cause you don’t know how hard it is to protect yourself physically when you weigh only 86-90 pounds have no muscles or strength because I don’t work out and I’m underweight and have been told multiple times I need to see a nutritionist. Against someone much taller and heavier. You know you can’t overpower them so all you have left is to pray and hope they will not take advantage of their physical strength to harm you. When being told “yes” he understood what he was doing and him ignoring me and my pleas in his actions. I did not have any physical fight to put up to protect myself! I just then with that word realized I Had Nothing to protect me. And I could not handle that broke down then went into acceptance of whatever he Could do to me. That’s a fucking emotional Break. That is not something light to handle. That’s not something little.

Shaky sense of self: I have been confused for years about why I am not attracted to people sexually. It makes me confused and I feel abnormal and so many people close to me have told me I Do feel sexually attracted to people. Even after I tell them I do not.

-The first time he pressured me to the point I was not okay was when we were at a friends house and we were laying down on a sofa outside. He stuck his hand under my shirt and continued traveling upwards and I questioned what he was doing. He shrugged and just smiled at me. He kept going up till he reached my bra and smiled even more. I became serious and told him he better not move any further. I questioned why he moved a little more up after u said that and he responded “I just like to test people. Their limits. It’s fun.” He moved his hand under the wire of my bra and slightly onto my boob and by that point I had told him that if he moved any further I would never speak or interact with him again. He watched me carefully for a few moments leaving his hand there then slowly removed it from under my shirt. I wish I was that bold and in control of what happened to me as the relationship went on. That’s not what happened though. I came to trust him and hope he’d treat me well. I was brought to believe he had only the best intentions. Every step he took that was not okay he backed it up with a reason of him caring. It was all under the cover of him Caring for me.

-My first kiss was initiated by increased amounts of pressure and the notion of “You can’t go into college without having a first kiss because most people do. So I’m doing you a favor so let’s kiss.” That is not acceptable. He pushed me again and again till i felt i could not say no and i gave in. That isn’t consent. “Consent through pressure” doesn’t exist. Not to mention when he did kiss me he didn’t just press his lips to mine he just completely shoved his tongue into my mouth without warning. It does not matter I then spent 3 hours “making out” with him. And if he says well obviously It Was Okay that happened cause look she spent the next three hours kissing me. That’s an attempt to twist what he did in the beginning. He was also exploiting the fact that I’ve never been in a relationship and I don’t know what’s normal or not. He kissed me without me wanting to with the best of intentions being He wants Me to Feel like he’s helping me be normal. That was that cover.

-This continued with him Pressuring me to show my body to him. Which I eventually did because I felt had no other choice I could not physically stop him. Him grabbing my bra and unpinning it and trying to pull it off my chest while I am gripping it onto myself is not consensual. I also pleaded then to stop and I didn’t want him to look at me. His cover this time is that he wants to look at my chest to reassure me there is nothing abnormal about it. This is because I had shared I felt my boobs didn’t look like a lot of other women’s I had seen so I was anxious. He used that against me to say he should look at me to assess how I looked and then I’d feel reassured I was normal. If he brings up that after that I was fine with him seeing my chest That Doesn’t Matter. He Still forced me to do something I did not want to do. He encouraged me to continue showing myself to him because he thought I was pretty and I shouldn’t be ashamed and “This is Normal” maybe it is normal for couples to expose themselves to each other but it is not normal for it to happen because it was forced into happening. He soothed me so much after I did give up that it is bordering giving me a reward for giving in to whatever he wanted.

-This continued throughout the whole of the relationship. He would pressure me till I broke and then shower me with praises and tell me it is normal so I can feel like everything is okay. I’m sorry but that is literally what you do to get animals trained. You expose the animal to something even if they’re not used to it or not wanting to do it then if they finally do do what you want you give them a treat as praise encouraging the animal to Want to obey your demands. Funnily enough this works with people too! HAHA! Not to mention that after the training the animal is 1. Obedient 2. Happy with being obedient simply because they received praise afterwards. It enables them to continue being obedient in the future.

If you think it’s not bad enough literally fuck you you have no idea how emotional abuse works or effects people. You tell me well “He didn’t mean it” if that’s your reason that’s a terrible reason first off. If you step on your dogs paw and it helps and cowers away from you. You hurt it. You didn’t mean it but it’s hurt. Would you just shrug it off cause you didn’t mean it? You might think well it’s a dog it’s not gonna understand anything anyways. Yet again you are wrong. If you fucking step on a dog and it hurts them they are going to fucking avoid your feet and legs from now on. Why? Because they now think you don’t care if you step on them ad they think they will be stepped on again if they aren’t careful! Same with pospone if you fucking hurt them you don’t get to decide whether they are hurt or not you need to fucking own up to hurting them.

What you’ve done to me is the equivalent of watching someone step on their dog and do nothing. And you’re telling me you tolerate that? Maybe they didn’t mean it? It’s fine. What if they step on the dog again? They still didn’t mean it. Again. They didn’t mean it. Again? The dog has had all its paws bones broken. You aren’t telling the person stepping on it to stop. You don’t think there’s something seriously wrong with that person?

You go over to someone’s house and you’ve known them all your life and they go to introduce you to their pet and it runs away from them in fear and hides behind a chair. Anyone else is able to approach it with enough coaxing and obvious care. Your friend the owner just rolls their eyes and says their pet is just really skittish. They don’t know why. Maybe they’re just big and so the dog is just inherently afraid of them cause I mean they’ve never hurt them. Maybe I stepped on it several times by accident. But I never meant to. … who are you going to fucking believe? The owner who shrugs off the dogs intense fear of them? Or the dog who is literally traumatized?

Another thing. I’d hate to insult any of you but if someone who has been through many highly abusive relationships since birth comes up to you and says This Isn’t Right. That person is not well and they don’t mean well. I think maybe ? You should listen? Try to understand?

You’d rather listen to someone who has prided themselves on how they can mess with peoples heads and how they find it fun to push people’s buttons and press their limits for laughs. Also maybe instead of shutting me out and my words against him maybe try asking other people what they think of him or how they feel towards him. Ask them to tell you the qualities they’ve picked up on.

You Aren’t knowledgable about these things. You are Not familiar with them. You are also not good at handling emotion related things in the slightest. Don’t you know that? Everyone else does. Ask anyone and they will tell you you aren’t good at dealing with emotional situations or emotional people. Regarding your relationship with everyone personally maybe you should ask them how they feel about their relationship with you? I’ve had many conversations with many of them and all feel similarly and not in a good way. Do you really think you can form a good informed opinion on this then? I might also point out that you have a habit of making uninformed opinions on things and flat out reject others opinions that are not your own. You are known to be averse to anyone else being closer to the truth than you. Ask anyone. You’re judgements on things also tend to be off. You believe you understand things you do not know about. Especially in regards to people’s feelings and intentions.

Don’t you already know how much I’ve been through? You drove me home the day I tried to end myself. You did not see through my intentions. I used you that day. As transportation to take me to my home to isolate myself and die. For my own wants. You did not see me crying on the way home with you? I was not acting like I was about to kill myself. But I had everything planned since before you picked me up. I manipulated you that day. You didn’t see through anything until I said goodbye. And sirens went off with everyone else. I did not flip a switch when I got home. I just went through with my pre made plans. I was depressed on the car ride there and suicidal all the way to my house on that trip. I did my best to distract you and pretend I was okay so you wouldn’t stop me. It worked until I said bye like I said. … you can be blind.

you also know what I do to myself. You made a joke once about it. It destroyed me emotionally. That you would laugh at that… something I do because of how much emotional pain I’m in… that day you realized what you had said. You didn’t mean to hurt me. You realized you did. It wasn’t your intention but you apologized profusely for hurting me. That’s why I forgave you it’s why I was perfectly okay with remaining friends with you. Knowing that I suffer That Much… with both of these things you know about… Why? Why would I lie to you about anything? I never have. In fact in the past you thought I didn’t care about the state of my grades. When I really Really did. I didn’t even tell you I was scared and hurting… I don’t like to worry my friends… not if I can help it… that’s why I acted like it didn’t hurt… I acted like I didn’t care so I could handle it emotionally and not to tell you and worry you with the fact that I was struggling… I never told you I was hurting so much I was on my way to my house to off myself. I didn’t tell you what I did to cope emotionally when things became too much. You Know I don’t like asking for things if I can bear it enough. Even when I can’t bear existing I don’t tell you. Why. Why with this me reaching out and being honest with you for once showing you how much I’ve been hurt do you choose to ignore it? Not help me? Me telling you I needed him to leave… god it’s because of how much it hurts emotionally and physically. You’ve seen me at my worst pain. Embracing death with open fucking arms. No problem but This THIS is WH Y I EMBRACE IT OPENLY. ThIS IS THE ONE TIME I TELL YOU IM HURT SO VERY FUCKING HURT. and you refuse to listen… to help me… to think of how much it effects me… I’ve left it alone for this long Because I don’t want conflict… But I can’t… I can’t anymore… I’ve been trying for so long to cope. Fight my way through simply being in his presence. Sometimes I’ve won. Sometimes I really haven’t… and I can’t anymore. I just can’t. It physically pains me. It hurts. Yet you won’t listen you don’t understand… But by now… I just assume you just don’t care about me… or believe me… I fucking loved you I was so happy to be close to you where we could hang out and watch movies all day and laugh about how bad they were… I miss it. It hurts. And now now that doesn’t happen anymore and I feel you’ve put distance between us… i never wanted that… i don’t want that… But i feel you want me to go away… I guess… I guess… if you want that…at this rate I already know I can’t remain friends if you don’t even try… it feels as if you’re being selfish and inconsiderate… as if you lack empathy… sympathy… but I swore I had those things from you before… what did i do? I’ve tried to connect to speak to do anything… it feels as if you’ve blocked me out… if that’s what you want I guess you have it now… I hope you’re happy with his friendship… I hope he brings you much more joy than me… I feel he already does. I hope you’re happy… that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you anyways… I’m sorry. You probably don’t even care…

This is all I can share right now cause I cannot handle thinking about this much longer I need a break.

[aquarianlights]

Anything uplifting sent to my inbox would be nice. I know I have a handful of messages to respond to, but wow I've been swamped with school and life. I will probably get to them after finals, but that doesnt mean I'm not reading them. I need serious support right now coz I've been mulling over a *huge* life-altering decision for months now and I've talked to so many people about it, including professionals, and I'm now ready to talk to those involved sometime soon and take the steps to make it all happen. It's scary but it's even scarier that I'm not 100% certain about it. I'm very hopeful that when I talk to the people I need to about it, that they will be 100% supportive and will offer to help me. That would be the best outcome because I will need it. I wont need help in any way other than support and maybe some energy expenditure and some of their time and muscle. Nothing like monetary or material. I just really hope they can be supportive and talk it out with me and talk to me for ways to make it work and ways that they're going to help me make it all work and recognize that this is all perfect for everyone. I'm so excited and I hope they will be, too. I'm excited for all of us; Not just me. But the fact that i wont know if this is the right choice till i speak to them is so nerve wracking. And the fact that they may take it poorly and try to be adamant about the opposite and try to sway me the opposite way instead of being supportive. And instead of offering to help. what if they are just bitter and passive aggressive instead? What if I lose friendships? What if friendships are irreparably harmed and deteriorate because they cannot see how great of a thing this is for everyone involved and that this isnt about some grandiose self sacrificial gesture on my part. I don't really do that anymore. Not to that level. That was immature teenage/young adult me. This is adult me. I'm happy with this choice, but I wont be and I will end up doubting myself even more if they express feelings of doubt and concern and become bitter and passive aggressive and maybe even outwardly angry and disrespectful of me. Maybe escalating to yelling or worse. Who knows. If they dont express feelings of "Damn. I'm sorry things didnt work out for you but you're totally right regarding everything and we support you and we are going to help you because we want this thing to succeed and it's better to have friends in a situation like this. You shouldn't do this alone. We believe you can do this." And that would be a way to validate they will always be my friends and that we are cool and they realize everything I have said is factual and that I'm making the right decision, even if it is kind of controversial and maybe even upsetting if taken personally, which it certainly isn't meant to be and shouldn't be since the subject nature isn't a personal one. But you never know with these people. Two of them very literally take everything personally. Yikes.

But. . .the fact that I---Killian Quincy Roswell, someone who is the most borderline extreme of all BPD people on the planet---have spent months thinking this over and have talked to so many people (professionals included) about this and have really spent a *lot* of time mulling all of this over. . . That fact alone puts faith in my decision. The fact I didnt jump into it is a fucking miracle. So maybe this is going to be good.

I will make a less vague post after I talk to everyone involved about it. For now, gotta he vague until the talk.

But if anyone could send some positive messages or happiness or uplifting stories/quotes/literally anything. . .or wanna tell me something interesting to take my mind off things day to day. . .PLEASE DO!!!

I Could seriously use it!!!

I'm super stressed by finals and by being forced to not sleep and by life things and conflicts and these new, awful OCD habits and so many other things.

Not to mention I'm in the process of getting accepted into the Honours Society, as well as Phi Theta Kappa. And on top of that, my 6 class, 14-credit-hour semester this Fall is scaring me to death.

Send me something please!!!

LITERALLY ANYTHING WILL DO, but chances are I won't be able to respond until after finals, but I check my inbox daily, sometimes multiple times a day.

Thanks guys! Goodnight. Love you all!!