#can I just hug you anon?

[comikadraws]

What actually was Itachi's desease? Does anyone know?

I AM GETTING ITACHI ASKS! FINALLY!!! Though I imagine my answer might be disappointing :')

Itachi's Mysterious Illness

Length: • 3.2K Content: • Itachi's Illness as a Writing Tool • Itachi's Symptoms • Popular Diagnoses • Exploring Alternative Causes • My Thoughts and Theories

DISCLAIMER: I have no medical background and, for the most part, am relaying the findings of others, not my own. Some of the panels are out of order. Blue links are sources. The art in the header is mine.

Itachi's Illness as a Writing Tool

Itachi's illness is very much a mystery in canon. A side-note. Itachi doesn't make enough appearances in the story for us to get an elaborate picture of his health. While there are popular theories, the fact of the matter is, we just don't know for sure what he was suffering from.

Due to Itachi's illness not playing a larger role in the story, it is unlikely Kishimoto actually researched any particular disease to reference. He resorted to a fairly common trope called the "Incurable Cough of Death" which is known for taking inspiration from Tuberculosis and its bloody coughs. The author doesn't specify any illness. It is merely a plot device to push a storyline.

As a narrative device, you might even consider Itachi's illness as a metaphor. While dying young was a deliberate choice on Itachi's part, his illness further solidifies his decision, leaving him with no way back. It mirrors Itachi's lack of agency in life. And, of course, it also makes Itachi's suffering palpable and highlights it for the audience. Itachi is in agony, yet chooses to suffer for Sasuke's sake rather than taking the easy way out.

Of course, while Itachi's illness is an unspecified, plot- and/or narrative-device disease, that doesn't necessarily have to stop us from trying to find a real-world equivalent or an in-universe explanation. But to do so, we must describe his physical condition first.

Itachi's Symptoms

While hemoptysis is probably the trademark of Itachi's illness as portrayed in fandom, it can be argued he was experiencing a wider range of symptoms. None of these necessarily have to be the result of Itachi's illness but since they often come up in discussions, I will mention them anyway for the sake of completion.

Low BMI

To begin with, Itachi's body is in a fairly weak condition. For example, Itachi's BMI stands fairly low at 18.3 at the time of his death, which is considered to be slightly underweight. It is a slight drop from his 18.6 at 18 years old.

While BMI is not a professional way of measuring a person's health, it does bring things into perspective. Considering that Itachi is a physically active person, he probably had a low fat-to-muscle ratio. Combine that with his low BMI and we can fairly assume that Itachi had weight problems, assuming Kishimoto and/or his assistants put that much thought into those numbers.

Low Stamina According to Databooks

Itachi's stats in the Databooks also indicate somewhat of a physical weakness. While Itachi ties with Jiraiya in having the highest stat total in Sha no Sho (35.5 points), he has noticeably low stamina at a value of just 2.5 points. It is not a major deficit, but it is definitely odd, especially when putting things into perspective.

In the Databooks, characters with high stat totals usually have stat deficits at 3 or 3.5 points, not at 2.5. Stat deficits of 2.5 occur at slightly lower stat totals, like Might Guy who reaches a stat total of 31.5 and a hand seal deficit of 2.5.

Additionally, characters with stamina deficits are usually associated with physical ailments. Orochimaru is basically suffering from necrosis, Hiruzen is 70 (his old age likely impacting his physical prowess), and Kakashi basically goes unconscious every time he uses the Sharingan as early on as chapter 16 of Naruto (indicating low chakra reserves).

Again, we better hope those numbers were intentional or this doesn't mean anything.

Noticeable Frailty

But now, let's take a look at the manga to search for evidence. What other fans before me have already pointed out is that Itachi's interactions with Kisame are fairly curious.

In a seemingly random scene, Kisame worries about the weather, claiming both he and Itachi will catch a cold if they stay out in the rain for too long. It is a somewhat strange suggestion, considering that this is coming from a shark man who primarily uses water ninjutsu in his battle tactics. You'd think he isn't bothered by some rain or chill if he is already getting wet this often.

Not that this applies to his partner, however.

In chapter #364 we get a repeat of this scene in which Kisame expresses worry only for Itachi rather than for the both of them. Kisame is made out to be explicitly caring toward Itachi and sensitive to his health and needs. But looking back at chapter #353, he refrains from hurting Itachi's pride by stating it out in the open.

This recontextualizes the scene from a few chapters earlier as this pattern in Kisame's behavior is actually consistent with the rest of chapter #353.

Kisame mentions that Itachi was absent from his most recent battle against Roshi. For unknown reasons, this causes Itachi's expression to turn somber or melancholic (though it could be argued he is smirking ever so slightly). Perhaps Itachi was reminded of his physical decline. Perhaps he regrets missing out on this last mission with Kisame.

Either way, Kisame picks up on Itachi's mood and quickly clarifies that this solo battle was the former Kiri-nin's idea and not at all Itachi's fault. While we cannot say for sure, the possibility that Kisame insisted on going without Itachi specifically to spare the Uchiha from putting unnecessary strain on his body is definitely there.

Kisame goes on to say he is tired, yet the first person to sit down in search of a break is Itachi - The same guy who didn't even fight Roshi and, at least technically, should be in better health than Kisame.

Kisame's worry for Itachi's health supports the idea that Itachi has been struggling for a while now - long enough for Kisame to pick up on Itachi's condition. He watches out for any strain or health risks that Itachi might unwittingly subject his body to, implying certain frailty that could be explained by a weak immune system and/or a weak and easily fatigued body.

During the Battle (Hemoptysis, Vision Loss, Heart Attack)

Besides this, Zetsu comments on Itachi's condition multiple times - both during and after the brothers' battle. He mentions that Itachi's movements were sloppy and wonders why he was coughing up blood. He hypothesizes that Itachi's body may have already been pre-damaged at that point.

Guessing by Zetsu's reaction, this must have been a recent decrease in Itachi's battle performance rather than a long-established issue. Combining this with Kisame's behavior (that instead implies a longer history) Itachi's condition has likely been bad for a longer time but never impacted him this severely until now. The illness may have just worsened naturally, but Itachi could've also stopped medicating or caught an additional infection.

During the actual battle, we see Itachi struggling with several more symptoms. He suffers from vision loss as well as from hemoptysis (bloody coughing) and what appears to be a heart attack or otherwise intense chest pain.

After the end of the battle, White Zetsu also theorizes that Itachi's symptoms may have simply been caused by the Sharingan, only for Black Zetsu to voice his uncertainty. An odd reaction, considering that Zetsu is one of the few characters that should be fairly knowledgeable about the Sharingan and its drawbacks. This implies that Itachi's symptoms are atypical of your usual Sharingan overuse.

Medication

Obito later explains that Itachi's illness was terminal and demanded regular medication to prolong the patient's lifespan. Obito unfortunately does not comment on the origins of Itachi's illness or any of his symptoms, though.

While not necessarily canon, in "Naruto Jinraiden: The Day the Wolf Howled", Itachi uses a drug called "Kotaro", which uses hallucinogenic substances. It is applied via the eyes and also helps with irritation of the Mangekyo Sharingan.

Popular Diagnoses

Once again, Itachi's symptoms are rather vague, befitting the Cough of Death trope. But some people have still managed to find likely candidates for real-world equivalents.

One such candidate is obviously Tuberculosis. It matches some of Itachi's symptoms, such as his coughing up blood, chest pain, weight loss, and tiredness. Another Tumblr user pointed out, however, that Tuberculosis is highly infectious. Had Itachi contracted the disease, other Akatsuki members would've fallen ill as well, not to mention Sasuke who came into contact with Itachi's blood and was supposed to inherit his eyes. This would've been beyond careless of Itachi. Any infectious, terminal diseases can therefore be safely ruled out.

The same user argued that Itachi may have had Lupus or ITP, both of which are immunological and therefore better suited for Itachi's diagnosis. It should be noted, however, that Itachi does not express many symptoms associated with Lupus, such as joint swelling, rashes, and skin lesions, and ITP is not particularly known (if at all) for hemoptysis.

The most popular theory is probably that Itachi had MPA. It is known for bloody coughs, cardiac failure, fatigue, weight loss, and in rare cases it may damage the eyes. But there are also people who disagree with the MPA theory, mostly due to his young age (which is atypical for MPA patients), but also because MPA causes diffuse alveolar hemorrhage, which the original poster deems more severe than just hemoptysis. While Itachi's symptoms match MPA somewhat, it might not be a perfect match.

But Itachi could have also died of lung cancer, Sarcoidosis, AIDS, SLD, Viral Perimyocarditis, Pneumonia, Paragonomiasis, Lymphoma, or something entirely different, due to the vagueness of his symptoms. But since we are talking about a fictional universe, it could also be a fictional disease or even a disease that attacks fictional parts of ninjas' anatomy (such as Tenketsu, Chakra Pathways, etc.).

And while I do like the idea of Itachi just being hated by life itself (vocaloid reference, haha) and developing a terminal condition on top of all his other sufferings, I could also see it being a manifestation of his guilt and trauma rather than just simply being an unrelated burden the universe put on him. Heartbreak Syndrome, basically.

Exploring Alternative Causes

Another way to explain Itachi's symptoms is by finding alternative causes. Believe it or not, but it is not 100% certain that Itachi had a disease in the traditional sense at all.

Obito Is a Liar

One of the reasons why is that Obito, unfortunately, is a liar. Especially in his conversation with Sasuke, his goal is to make Itachi as sympathetic to Sasuke as possible and demonize Konoha. Both are in an attempt to win over Sasuke's loyalty and Obito is not at all afraid of lying to Sasuke.

This is hinted at in the Databooks but also becomes evident in certain instances where Obito's exposition simply proves wrong - most notably the cause behind the Ninetails Attack. Obito's words directly clash with Itachi's and later Kushina's flashbacks.

Not to mention, Black Zetsu appears noticeably confused about Itachi's condition, leaving us to question how Obito acquired this much information on Itachi in the first place, if not through the Akatsuki's spy. Is Obito really this knowledgeable about Itachi? Would Itachi's condition really have been terminal? Did Itachi have his condition treated with medicine? Or is it all just a shot in the dark on Obito's part?

Long story short, we cannot trust Obito's word when making any claims about canon.

But now, let's find the promised alternative explanations.

Itachi's BMI Is a Lifestyle

To begin with, most of the Akatsuki members actually have low BMIs. Obviously, Nagato is severely underweight, but even characters like Sasori and Hidan score quite low. The average among the Akatsuki appears to be at 17.8 (or 18.2 if we exclude outliers like Nagato, Konan, and Kisame). This might reflect the Akatsukis' precarious living conditions or just the standard Ninja physique, rather than indicating any specific ailments among the Akatsuki members.

Of course, Kisame still manages to somehow reach a healthy BMI, but this might be the result of their respective diets rather than Itachi just magically losing weight. While Itachi dislikes steak (which has high calories and protein) he eats less nutritious foods like onigiri with seaweed, dango, and cabbage. Meanwhile, Kisame loves shrimp and crab (which are high in protein). And beyond that, Itachi could be suffering from mental illness instead, impacting his eating habits.

It should also be noted that low BMIs (as well as stress and trauma) can weaken the body's immune system and impair its ability to fight off common infections.

No Training, No Stamina

As previously mentioned, while Itachi's low stamina is highly unusual among characters of comparable caliber, it is just a small difference of 0.5 points. It might merely be the result of his fighting style which relies primarily on genjutsu or quick and painless assassinations rather than physically taxing maneuvers. This would be similar to Might Guy, who has a 2.5 deficit in hand seals due to a lack of practice.

But this explanation still begins to sound less sufficient when we look back at the manga itself. Itachi's interactions with Kisame in chapters #353 and #364 imply a certain frailty beyond just a simple lack of practice. But this is where Itachi's Sharingan becomes relevant.

Mangekyo and Susano'o Side Effects

Many fans underestimate the damage a Mangekyo Sharingan can inflict on its user. Most notably, the Mangekyo causes the user's eye to bleed and become irritated. Their eyesight deteriorates with repeated use until full blindness. (refer back to chapter #386). Those are not symptoms specific to Itachi at all and can therefore not exactly be traced back to any disease.

Additionally, the Mangekyo does not just affect the user's eyes. In the case of Susano'o specifically, it is stated to be hard on the user's body. Sasuke describes it as an unbearable pain affecting every cell in his body. And to top it off, it causes hemoptysis for Sasuke as well each time the Susano'o is in use.

It appears as though hemoptysis is not at all exclusive to Itachi but a Susano'o-specific symptom. It doesn't change that Zetsu remains puzzled about Itachi's bloody cough, so we have to assume Zetsu might just not be as much of an expert as previously assumed.

Assuming Itachi had already used the Susano'o at a point in time prior to his battle with Sasuke, it is possible that this jutsu has damaged Itachi's cells.

Since we know that the body's cells are partially responsible for chakra production, cell damage should logically impact a ninja's ability to produce chakra. Assuming Susano'o-conducted damage is at all permanent and that Itachi has ever used it prior to his battle with Sasuke, this may have caused an irreversible chakra shortage for Itachi.

Sharingan Side Effects and Chakra Depletion

In general, besides the Susano'o, the Mangekyo is known for wearing out its users. Not just Kakashi, who famously ends up in the hospital each time he uses it, but Itachi too requires long rests after using the Mangekyo. Notably, Kisame describes using the Mangekyo as "dangerous".

Even the standard Sharingan can deplete the user's chakra to the point of being immobilized. As we can see in early Naruto chapters, the Sharingan can put Kakashi out of commission for a weak (refer to chapter #16). It appears as though chakra exhaustion causes muscle weakness (inability to move) and fatigue.

While not as extreme, this would explain Itachi's fatigue in his interaction with Kisame in chapter #353. In this chapter, we can see that Itachi's Sharingan has remained active for an unknown period of time and likely robbed Itachi of a portion of his chakra. If this is something he did regularly, it might also explain Kisame's concern for Itachi.

If we think about this one further, it could be argued that the heart, due to being a muscle, can fail in the case of excessive chakra exhaustion.

My Thoughts and Theories

Itachi's vision loss and hemoptysis can clearly be attributed to his excessive Mangekyo and Susano'o use, as far as I am concerned. And right now, all of Itachi's symptoms can be logically explained without adding an unknown disease into the mix.

Although Zetsu still remains an unreliable source in this instance (due to not knowing that hemoptysis is a common symptom induced in response to using Susano'o) it should be noted that unlike with Itachi, this does not result in a lethal outcome for Sasuke who, as opposed to Itachi, uses his Susano'o constantly. When hypothesizing that Itachi's body may have been damaged from the beginning, he probably wasn't far off. This is also what Itachi's interactions with Kisame seem to imply.

While Itachi's Mangekyo use and chakra exhaustion probably put the final nail in his coffin, it stands to reason that his body was prestressed by yet another condition that shrunk down his chakra reserves and left him, in Kisame's eyes, "frail". It's comparable to how many diseases such as AIDS, Diabetes, autoimmune diseases, or other conditions don't kill you on their own but instead lay the groundwork for a truly lethal illness.

But even then, this pre-sustained damage has logical explanations as well. His low fat could be the result of his lifestyle. His low stamina and chakra may be the result of repeated Sharingan/Susano'o use or a lack of practice. His heart attack may have been the result of ordinary chakra exhaustion. His immune system may have been weakened due to his low weight (but then again, he is not significantly underweight), stress, and/or trauma, resulting in the contraction of a regular infection as Itachi stood in the rain without protection. This explains his seemingly "sudden" decrease in battle performance.

Conversely, it is not unreasonable to assume Itachi indeed had an incurable condition - unrelated to Sharingan's drawbacks. While Obito and Zetsu are not at all reliable sources, they do push the "Itachi was ill" narrative rather hard and the story never cares enough to dispel their claims.

Beyond that, Itachi's symptoms can be viewed as a causality dilemma. What was first? The chicken or the egg? The immune system or the illness? While low weight, stress, and/or trauma can result in frequent infections, so can a major infection lead to increased stress or low weight. While blaming Itachi's poor condition on his lifestyle is a valid interpretation, it is not at all confirmed.

Narratively, it makes a lot of sense to burden Itachi with a painful, incurable disease. Aside from externalizing Itachi's suffering to the outside, where the audience can see it, it manages to evoke stronger sympathy from the reader, mixing in a sense of unfairness and tragedy.

But alas, this is not sufficient evidence, and instead, we could also view Itachi's damaged condition as a metaphor for how very often, life does not leave Itachi with any options other than harming himself. Due to his growing blindness, he is forced to use his Sharingan more frequently. Due to his status as Nukenin, he cannot take care of himself as diligently. And then those minor inconveniences spiral out of control, piling ailment after ailment on him.

Unfortunately, none of this leaves us with a definitive answer. Perhaps Itachi did have a terminal illness. Perhaps he did not. The story seems intentionally ambiguous.

[i3utterflyeffect]

cursor selkie sc (due to some unlikely plot contrivance) in god with a bag of groceries au would be so funny...bystanders watching god pass by with a bag of groceries, followed by tiny god with a packet of cookies. adorable.

ANON... YOUR MIND..........

[magpod-confessions]

i saw the ask that was saying jonelias hate was homophobic but wtgfs hate wasn’t lesbophobic and didn’t want to reblog it because i didn’t want to get involved in drama but. yikes.

the wtgfs thing- no, it is absolutely not lesbophobic to be more interested in the main characters than a side ship. that does not change the fact that misogyny and lesbophobia are a pervasive issue in popular and fandom culture. i feel like it’s possible to acknowledge that main wlw ships being ignored for a side mlm pairing is something that happens, and that’s bad, and it is also not inherently misogynistic to be less invested in a side wlw pairing.

the jonelias thing- yes, treating jonelias like some terrible morally reprehensible thing is silly, and no it’s not somehow inherently sexual. there are many darker/more questionable ships that are significantly more widely accepted, and not everybody is going to be interested in jmart. a lot of people like corruption arcs and would have found that to be more interesting. however, you cannot just call someone a bigot because they prefer the canon ship over your fanon interpretation. a lot of people aren’t going to like a ship like jonelias, for plenty of different reasons. maybe it doesn’t fit the way they see the characters, they would prefer jon regaining his humanity and healing in a healthy way, maybe they just don’t like it. that doesn’t make them inherently homophobic. you can disagree with someone and dislike their ships without it meaning they are a bad person.

the mean lesbian thing- i feel they missed the point here. the issue isn’t jonny writing women as mean lesbian stereotypes. none of the characters even have a canon sexuality beyond tim and jon liking multiple genders and jon being somewhere on the ace spectrum, and even those are vague. the issue is fandom stereotyping, seeing women in a terrible situation under pressure getting angry at a man and then deciding they must be mean man hating lesbians. seeing a man who has a sense of humor and is presumably bisexual and deciding he’s a flirty slut with the emotional capacity of a teaspoon. seeing a violent woman who cares for another woman and deciding she must be a masculine butch lesbian and other interpretations are somehow wrong. etc.

can we please all just acknowledge that nuance exists and differing opinions aren’t evil

.

[destiel-wings]

"Jared is a great guy"

He never said such praising words to Misha at the panels. he just insulting him in the name of a joke.

https://twitter.com/FangasmSPN/status/1642567628118974464?s=19

That's actually hilarious. He doesn't need to say it because it's just clear how much he genuinely loves, respects and admires Misha. Actions speak louder than words.

Besides, it counts more how you talk about someone when they're not around than to their face, and if you're comfortable enough with someone to constantly joke with them and you both have that 100% comfortable and happy aura while doing it, it just means that you're very close to that person. Like, you would never jokingly insult a friend that you're not really close with because they may get offended, but you could even safely call your best friend stupid because you're both close enough to know you would never mean it literally, but only affectionately or as an inside joke.

That said, he speaks too. When Jensen was at the Con Crossroads 6 in Brighton last March with Daneel, they both couldn't stop talking about Misha during their panel (and Misha wasn't even present at that Con), like literally nobody even asked about Misha, but they both kept bringing him up in their replies, praising him for his charity work with Random Acts and talking about him (and Cas).

There are definitely hundreds of other examples I could bring but this is just one of the most recent ones that i can think of.

Like at the Jib11 Jensen said that "Daneel refers to Misha as her boyfriend", and then he added, "which is funny cause so do I" and then he genuinely laughed in a super sweet way (it was in one of his panels, i don't remember which one, you can see it on YouTube).

To sum up:

* They're literally friends *

[transmechanicus]

Kind of hard to ask as anon

But you doing ok?

Need to vent?

Hi very kind and thoughtful of you to ask, i am doing mmmmm suboptimal but i do not need to vent to a person per se, so much as i need to say absolutely insane shit in my tags and have everyone pretend not to see <3

[stormyoceans]

i woke up in a depressed mood bc no one needed the trainee and i want to say where are you people? you are accused of a lack of taste.😔

the fandom HAS been fairly quiet about the trainee, hasn’t it????

i actually had the same thought yesterday when i had to hunt down a single gifset of the show in the tag, but i wasn’t sure if i simply wasn’t following the right people ;;;;;; it just feels weird to see my dash being so quiet about it, especially considering it’s an offgun show and it features a lot of artists people love (view and poon at the very least are current fan favorites)

i personally enjoyed these first two eps A LOT tbh, i think they did a great job setting up all the different characters and the dynamics between them, and not only it’s very interesting to see how a production company works, but the more administrative part of it (if we can call it like that) feels very realistic to me in a way that a lot of other office BLs don’t. like i’ve been ryan and i’ve been jane and i think both sides are very relatable because the director actually took the time to depict the different struggles in their current positions. also as someone who LOVES slow burn im really liking the pacing rn, it feels like they aren’t rushing into jane and ryan’s relationship but are letting their progress flow with the story, which i honestly appreciate a lot. last but not least the comedy is well incorporated into the show without being too much and the colors are POPPING

but you know, i think the first 2/3 episodes of a show are often like..the assessment stage, where people don’t engage as much with it because they’re trying to figure out if they actually like what they’re seeing, so hopefully now that the story has been put into gears the fandom will start being more active too!!!!

[napping-sapphic]

I wanna be held and comforted... a girlfriend sounds so nice, but I'm afraid I'd be too much of a bother or unstable or have too many problems with my chronic pain :(

Mmm i think a lot of people feel that way! And I also think it’s easier than you think for people to accept your flaws. It’s easy to get in your own head about it and like i do it all the time too but also i know it’s easy for me to love and work around my friends’ flaws so i think it’s only fair that i give them a chance to do it as well

[whereismyhat5678]

(hey, the requests are open??? if so, can we see Mr..stick giving burton some tiny-little tummy kisses/raspberries blows, pretty please?)

also wanted to say that your drawing style has changed a lot and you should be proud of what you have achieved! dude, you're a great dude and we love you. <)

(Should remind people I call Mr. Stick Samual so they won’t get confused 😅)

I GOT PUNCHED IN THE GUT WITH THAT LAST PART I SINCERELY THANK YOU-

No man, I really appreciate the words 💗💗 I think my art has improved a lot through the years (and even the months I’ve been on here!) so it really means a lot that people are noticing that as well. It really makes me want to cry bro, thank you so much TuT

[matan4il]

שלום! אני חזרתי לארצות הברית ביום חמישי, אבל אני ממש מתגעגע את ארץ ישראל… (אין לי שאלות, אני רק אוהב את ישראל!)

אווווווווו, נוני, איזה כיף שנהנית מאוד מהביקור.

הדבר הטוב בארץ ישראל זה שהיא לא הולכת לשום מקום. היא תחכה לביקור הבא שלך! ובינתיים, אני מאוז מזדהה עם האהבה הזו לארץ ישראל.

שולחת חיבוק גדול וחם! xoxox

(for all of my updates and ask replies regarding Israel, click here)

[corrodedcoughin]

I was wondering if you saw that ask about Steve's character analysis from @steveharrington and how he's abandoned by the narrative, written very 2 dimensionally and never gets a follow up for his physical/ emotional/ mental trauma while all the other characters do. Lil fic idea where Steve and Eddie don't really know each other yet. It's maybe right before vecna, where the party somehow ends up at Steve's place for Hellfire where the older Hellfire members are still snide and bitter towards him, and something happens where Steve has to take of his shirt or something, and it's the first time everyone (maybe besides Robin) actually sees how physically scarred Steve is, and that maybe he really isn't emotionally okay either. (bc I am Sure that boy has SCARS even before the bats with everything he's been through)

I have seen it! It’s an incredible commentary that is far more coherent than I could ever hope to be, op explains their thoughts so well and really is a wonderful post (thank you op)

I’m firmly of the belief that Steve has capital s Scars. And the thought of the impact on him is heart shattering. Steve sitting at home on his own, getting changed in the dark but can feel the scarred skin under his fingers tips. His thoughts spiral. He’s been commodified his whole life, packaged up to be an ‘ideal’ and now he sees these imperfections and he’s scared. He’s terrified. What value does he hold now? Why would anyone bother with him now that he’s visually damaged and belongs at the back of the shelf. He cries. Cries so hard his head hurts and he can’t make it stop, travels down his head to his neck and shoulders as he sobs. Body wracked with it. After the first night he pushes it down, refuses to acknowledge it again, wants to pretend that things are okay when his thoughts lurk in the dark telling him he’s worthless.

So he puts on a face, and carries on. Avoids showing skin successfully for a good few months. Until there’s a Christmas party for everyone but the adults at Steve’s place and it’s fun and loud until Mike bumps into Erika who knocks into dustin who trips into Steve. Steve who was holding a mug of hot chocolate that is now covering him head to toe. It’s not even that hot but before he knows what’s happening Robin is whipping his jumper off ‘it might scald Steve! We need to check!’

He fights her but his reaction is delayed after the shock of the liquid hitting his skin. And that’s when everyone sees it, sees him. And the silence is deafening but he can’t stop them from seeing. Can’t stop them from knowing that he’s ruined and good for nothing and a disappointment so he tries to walk off, fighting the hot and angry tears threatening to spill. He won’t cry, he can’t, not again. He manages to take a step away but then Robin is hugging him, Dustin too. He drags air into his lungs. Not sure if what to do next but then he hears the party slowly start back up and he’s thankful, thinking he’ll get out of this one alive.

[temunitu]

I have nothing cool and interesting to say right now except I rewatched S5 episode "Fathers and Sons" of TMNT 2003 and I once again am screaming about HOW CUTE THE BABY TURTLES ARE OH MY GOD. I don't even know what I love more—Donnie and Leo living their best lives in that hay crate, Mikey CONSTANTLY attaching himself to Splinter and even staying by his side as his bros go play tag, or Donnie mustering up all his strength to throw that big rock at the Bone Demon. THERE ARE TOO MANY CUTE SCENES!!

YOU’RE WRONG ANON, THAT IS A VERY COOL AND INTERESTING THING TO SAY

here’s some papa rat hugs <3

[i-write-sin-not-tragedy]

This is more of a personal question. If I like to watch shows with LGBTQ Community (and I like it) but my family hates those shows because "its not normal" or because of our religion beliefs.

Does that make me a cowardly hypocrite?

Not at all!

Your personal safety will always be your highest priority. It's fantastic that you can enjoy LGBTQ+ media and want to support the community! But you cannot control what other people think, and thats a sucky feeling especially when its your family.

I come from the American south and unfortunately a large portion of my family i don't even speak to anymore due to this exact reason.

Im *still* not fully out to my family because i care enough about my mental health to not put myself in that situation.

Don't feel bad for keeping things to yourself for as long as you need to; your comfort and safety will always be important and you are never a coward for keeping yourself safe!

You showing support where you feel comfortable doing so is the best option for you, and please dont feel ashamed of it.

[throughpatchesofviolet]

No, that ask really did make my evening. I'm still almost crying over it--I have no idea who you are, Anon, but I'm wishing you all the best.

[just-bendy]

would y’all like comfort in these trying times? *puts arms out*

[@quackity379] [@whisperseb] [@theweirdgrimlin] [@theybaltsxi] [@dancingdemonsblog]

Heheh, well thanks. I'm feelin' much better now! Thanks fer all the hugs, seriously. There's no shortage of hugs here, no siree. And I'm adorable because I was designed that way.

[cantevenbeachhere]

okay, bear with me, a lot of these made me curious so:

4

6

18

21

28

30

~☕👍

Ohhhhhh! Yes! Lots of questions, I love it! Thank you!

Okay okay, let’s go, dude!

4. what flower would you like to be given?

Ummm well, huh. That’s a good question. Okay not to sound cheesy, but if it’s like for romantic purposes, then I would want red roses and/or forget-me-nots. Both of those are really pretty.

But like, if it’s from a friend, then blue hydrangeas or sunflowers. Those are also super pretty, and they make me really happy.

6. say three nice things about yourself (three physical and three non-physical).

Okay so that’s six things. *Holds up six fingers* Not three, but okay.

Ummm, so three physical: I think my eyes are pretty; I have the best hair; aaaaand I think I’ve got a great smile. Three non-physical…ummm okay well, I think I’ve got a good sense of humor. I’m a kind person. I hope so anyway. And ummm, I’m a pretty good strategist if I do say so myself.

18. do you still love stuffed animals?

Uh yeah! Who wouldn’t?

21. if you could tell your past self one thing, what would it be?

Huh. Well, uh, I guess I would tell past Ken that he’s Kenough as is…but he needs to learn what it means to be Ken. Not just Ken with Barbie but Ken.

Also that mint chocolate chip ice cream makes his tummy not feel good so don’t try it.

28. hugs or hand-holding?

I think this question meant to say hugs and hand-holding. But if I have to choose, then hugs.

30. what reminds you of home (doesn’t have to mean house… just things that remind you of the feeling of home)?

Home…hm. Home is sea air, the sound of laughter, stars overhead, the beat of my favorite song, the warmth of the sun, glitter, pink.

Soft asks to get to know people ☺️

[stormyoceans]

dear monica, how do you fight apathy? i feel like i dont have the strength. that i dont want anything. none of the things that used to entertain me are interesting to me anymore. do you have any advice? what helps you personally overcome this condition?

song of the day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DF3XjEhJ40Y

hello, dear anon!!!

im sorry for the late reply, but as this is a serious topic, i didn’t want to be superficial with my answer, so it took me a while to write everything down ;;;;;;

im also sorry to hear you’re going through this. it often happens to me as well, and i know it’s hard to go about life feeling like you lack the strength, the motivation, or even just the want to do anything, especially when it’s about those very same things that used to make you happy but now seem not to excite you anymore. i think the first thing that’s important to remember is that these moments happen to everyone from time to time, but if they become more and more frequent and it gets harder and harder to come out of them, then they might be the sign of a bigger issue at hands, so my main suggestion is always going to be to seek support from a professional to make sure you’re taking care of your mental health properly

that being said, here’s some maybe obvious maybe oversimplified advices that personally help me deal with apathy:

identifying what triggered it. it may seem silly, but to me it was a lot of help to realize that a lot of the numbness i tend to feel is due to the dissatisfaction with my job. sometimes it drains so much of my energy and charges me with so much negativity that it ends up affecting how i feel about everything else as well. in my case i can’t go through with the obvious solution (quitting), but it does help me to know there is a cause to it and that i can at least try to change my reaction to that particular trigger.

as corny as it sounds, a little bit is better than nothing at all. what apathy looks like to me is lying in bed staring into the void while around me tasks keep piling up and i start feeling overwhelmed by it all. in my case, ‘tasks’ can even be the new episodes of the shows im currently watching. in this case, breaking down these tasks into smaller ones can definitely help (you don’t have to do all the dishes at once, you can even just do one plate), but a lot of small things to do can still feel like too much at times, so my goal is always to do at least ONE thing: as insignificant as it seems (picking up a sock from the floor), as ‘normal’ as it may seem to everyone else (washing yourself), getting up and doing something small is better than doing nothing.

trying something new. routine is both a dear friend and a tricky enemy. sometimes it can make you feel trapped and detached from the world because nothing seems to ever change, so you gotta take change into your own hands, which of course is easier said than done, and this is where the ‘a little bit is better than nothing at all’ can be applied again: take a different street, order food you’ve never tried, watch a movie from a genre that’s usually not your favorite kind, look up one word in a different language and write it down, pick up a colored pencil and draw flowers all over a white paper. is it a big change? no. is it productive? not really. but it’s still something you’ve never done before.

going full comfort. two of the things i love the most in life are watching shows and eating good food, but sometimes even those can’t bring me any joy. i still do those activities, but everything feels dull and boring, and when that happens, i try to ‘recreate’ what made me fall in love with them in the first place by going back to fond memories, so for me, for examples, it means rewatching vice versa while eating pasta aglio olio e peperoncino and drinking a glass of white wine. i might have experience these things a thousand times in the past, but they’re a reminder that at one point i used to FEEL, and that this state of apathy is not gonna be forever.

finding a community to share the joy with. while i do agree that most of the times you have to push yourself to do it scared and do it alone, and that above all you have to do things for yourself and for the joy of doing those activities in themselves, and not because you have to seek validation from others, humans are social creatures. personally, i have no issue being alone and not talking to anyone even for weeks at a time, however i realized that, for example, one of the main reasons i love tv shows and all kind of media is because i enjoy building a dialogue about them with other people, and when i go a lot of time without doing that, i start to feel like i’ve lost interest in watching anything, but actually im just missing that feeling of connecting with someone. so i feel like it’s important to have a small community, either online or irl, where you can actually share and celebrate and be reminded of what you are passionate about.

…….okay i feel like this all sounds like a terrible self help book ;;;;;;;;; it’s also pretty oversimplified, and none of this would work for me if i didn’t also take meds for my depression, which is why as i said earlier it’s always important to talk to a professional, but i’d say that this is more or a less a guideline of what i personally try to follow when things get tough

not sure if any of this can actually be helpful, but im here if you need someone to share both the sadness and the joy with, and above all i hope you can be kind to yourself and that you’re gonna feel better soon!!!!