#caffeine is a drug!

[itshype]

Loveweaver (Wednesday ficlet)

Child Wednesday Addams casts a spell on herself to ensure she never falls in love. Her parents spend all their time making smoochy faces at each other and it was not only revolting but completely unproductive. Wednesday would never be able to breed herself a scorpion large enough to ride if she had to spend all her time kissing another person.

Her mother wouldn't have even had enough hours in the year to cross pollinate a rose with a carnivorous sundew if Wednesday hadn't taken one for the team and glued her dear father's mouth shut. She was still awaiting her letter of thanks from the entire field of botany.

Unfortunately, she couldn't find a spell to remove all love from her heart forever in the family grimoire. The favour Pugsley owes her will only entice him to distract their babysitter – Uncle Fester – for so long. She has to find the spell and cast it as soon as possible. If her parents had been home, they would have found her in the family dungeon way too fast, luckily for the first time in forever, the Addams parents had taken their biweekly date outside of the family estate. That was Wednesday’s big break, but she was strapped for time.  

And that’s why she latches onto the first love spell she finds. The Loveweaver. A spell that would allow her to become the architect of her own love story. Good, she knew exactly how to write a good tragedy.

It was bafflingly straightforward; these candles there, those bones like this, Morticia had even left out a few dried green tulips, clearly forgotten in the back of the rack usually used to dry bloomless rose stems. Another moment of good fortune, drying flowers took forever and there was no way for Wednesday to accomplish it without the flowers being noticed at some point, even if she put off the actual spell cast for another few weeks. She knew she wouldn’t get another opportunity like this for long enough as to be unimaginable to someone at her age.

Everything was ready much faster than Wednesday could have imagined. She hadn’t even started to think about the criteria she would implement within the spell. Well, she was good enough on her feet to be able to think of something. All she had to do was choose a love who didn’t exist and then she would have all the time in the world to breed Nero’s grandchildren into venomous stallions, maybe she’d even write a book about it.

Wednesday read out each word faithfully before working to fill the space. Maybe rhyming wasn’t her strongest suit.

By moonlit night and whispered plea, I call upon the magic, see it bleed. In search of love, forever true, Through this spell, I'll find only you As this spell concludes, I set it free, To manifest the love meant for me. With open heart to receive and hold, My love will be, destiny unfolds.

Upon enchanted winds fate must caress, I conjure love's magic, I must impress. Seeking a soulmate, a love to address, In destiny's embrace, my one true love will possess…

"Rainbow eyes, ones with all colours combined,” She begun shakily, “Normie and Outcast, both worlds entwined.” That was a solid rhyme, maybe it wasn’t too difficult.

“A monster who’s pure, no sins that they must confess,” This was the most difficult thing anyone had ever had to do, maybe Wednesday should have written this all before starting the spell. “A drug dealer who is lawful, causing no stress."

That was it! A terribly forced rhyme, but a contradiction drastic enough she felt confident ending the spell by blowing out the candles in compass order. It was all over, Wednesday would be safe forever.

Gomez Addams sits back in his chair, pretending magnanimously not to notice the uncomfortable, and occasionally outright fearful glances from the other – Normie – patrons of the fancy restaurant.

“Tish, my withered rose, you know I’d follow you anywhere,” He eyes the sleek, bright décor dubiously, “but can we return home yet?”

Morticia smiles at her husband over her wine glass, running a sharp fingernail over the rim hard enough to make a ringing sound. “Not just yet, darling.”

[anonymocha]

Do NOT try this at home, you may not blink or sleep for the next 48 hours and found unconscious frothing in the mouth on a sidewalk after that

[dandyads]

Vivarin, 1980

[lazylittledragon]

Feel free to ignore if this is intruding but I remember you posting about dealing with caffeine addiction and I hope you're doing ok <3 Addiction is really hard to deal with so I hope everything is going alright for you!

!! thank you for checking in <3333

i haven't cut it out completely (i really don't think i'd be able to) but i'm still doing much better, i've cut down from 6 shots per cup to only 2. i've also changed my sleep/eating habits so now i don't feel like i need the caffeine as much because i just don't feel as shit anymore.

it's been very nice :3

[cumaeansibyl]

okay this is my biggest conspiracy theory except it's not really a Conspiracy Theory because I am not actually positing a shadowy prime mover who planned the whole thing from the start. that always ends up in wildly antisemitic places where I do not go, and also I don't think anyone in history has had their shit together enough to mastermind Schemes of this type. my theories are always more like "this happened serendipitously and at some point maybe someone noticed and took advantage but there's certainly no central figure in charge."

so we start with the normalization of overwork in our society, since roughly forever. in modern times this led to abuse of medical and recreational stimulants -- everyone was on speed in the 50s and coke in the 80s -- but we all kind of figured out that was a bad idea, for the most part. what we still had after the white powder settled, though, was caffeine. totally legal, totally normalized.

but people were still overworked, and they also still wanted to have energy after work, to do fun things with the little free time left to them.

enter energy drinks.

unlike coffee, which still has the feeling of a daytime beverage and also to some extent a workplace beverage, energy drinks are an anytime food! you can even get them in mixed drinks for a night out. they're for work AND play. they come in a wide range of dose strengths, including a shooter for when you're in really dire straits. after all, taking caffeine pills feels like "pill-popping," but having a little beverage is fine, right?

at the same time, there is increasing interest in remedies for a variety of unspecific ailments caused by "toxins," the new buzzword in a very old industry of patent nostrums and dubious cure-alls. the theory is that some sort of unspecified substance has entered your body, and in order to feel well again you need to detox and cleanse -- which in practice involves a lot of induced defecation. And this is supposed to be good for feelings of fatigue, muscle soreness, anxiety, stomach upset, and difficulty sleeping.

See where I'm going with this?

The "toxins" that make you feel terrible all the time are caffeine. Not heavy metals, or refined sugar, or vaccines, or yeast. It's just fucking caffeine.

Well, caffeine and chronic overwork/sleep deprivation, which is not entirely a direct result of the caffeine but is certainly enabled/exacerbated by it. Everyone is working too much and taking stimulants to get through the day and in fact experiencing mild overdose symptoms on a fairly regular basis (irritable? jittery? that's caffeine toxicity) and it's no wonder we all feel like shit.

And then! When you come home from your day of pushing your mind and body too hard! It is ALSO normalized to take downers to level out! Alcohol is also a toxin, and it takes a lot less of it to start doing systemic damage than most people realize. When you wake up in the morning feeling foggy and achy, it may not be enough to register as a proper hangover, but it's almost certainly the combined effect of alcohol and caffeine withdrawal. Both mild! Both nearly harmless and easily recovered from! If you're not doing it on a regular basis and if you're getting enough rest, which you're not, as we previously established.

It's the chronicity that's the issue, the neverending grind of it all. You can't recover from chronic sleep deprivation or overwork with an extra few hours of rest on the weekends. You can't recover from long-term chemical dependence with a 24-hour tolerance break. If you're a wage earner in late-stage capitalism your options for reversing the damage are pretty limited and they all look like deprivation: prioritizing an unbroken 8-9 hours of sleep per night may well mean giving up most if not all of your social life and leisure activities. Fuck that.

And to be clear, I don't consider choosing to stay out late with a vodka Red Bull to be a personal failure of any kind, just like I don't think poor people should never buy themselves anything nice. If work keeps trying to take more and more of your time, you gotta carve out time for yourself somewhere. But... y'all know me. I want people to know the risks.

I think a lot of people don't realize that their bodies are under this much strain. They don't know that we are better suited for a 4-6 hour work day, that 6-7 hours of sleep is genuinely not enough for most people, that as little as 2 cups of coffee might be enough to put them over the recommended maximum caffeine intake. They don't know that they're drinking enough alcohol to cause health problems.

If you know and you decide to do it anyway that's fine, it's your right. I do inadvisable shit all the time. But people don't know, they're not being told, because they can't be allowed to question the material conditions they're being forced to endure -- and then they're being sold a bunch of useless or even harmful bullshit to "cure" the inevitable consequences of those conditions.

[straightlightyagami]

my partner thinks alcohol is not a drug but caffeine and sugar are ?? two of those are drugs and he is wrong about which ones

[aftgficrec]

Do you have any recs for alternate endings to the championship games?? This will scratch such a major itch!

Thank you in advance! You guys are amazing!!

Hi there, @caffeinated-croissant Unlike Baltimore, or Neil’s visit to Evermore, there’s surprisingly little canon divergence regarding the Foxes’ championship win, and a lot of it is pretty dark.  We did our best, and this is what we found.  If anybody knows any more, please let us know! - S

Also see...

canon-divergent angst post-TKM here 

'eat their young - Fox!Riko au' series here

Hearts In Halves by heybabyricecake [Rated M, 247291 words, complete, 2024, locked]

Instead of killing Riko and sending Neil back to the Foxes, Ichirou banishes Riko and takes Neil back to the Edgar Allen Ravens to be their starting striker. This is basically post canon, if the very last scene in The Kings Men happened differently. Neil has to adjust to life in the Ravens Nest, and the Foxes have to deal with losing Neil right after championships. The Nest is a nightmare, and Andrew is reeling from the separation from Neil. Andrew and Neil have to burn it all to the ground to find their way back to each other.

tw: violence, tw: rape/noncon, tw: torture, tw: suicidal thoughts, tw: emotional manipulation,  tw: drug addiction, tw: withdrawal, tw: drug overdose, tw: kidnapping, tw: major character injury, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: homophobic language, tw: implied/referenced csa, tw: implied/referenced eating disorders

too late. by carmellian [Rated T, 1199 words, complete, 2024]

Andrew is running before he can see anything else. Somebody shouts. It might've been Dan. Neil turns, and looks up, on his knees as the racquet comes crashing down onto his skull. His body drops like a stone. Riko raises the racquet again. Andrew is faster. basically, i rewrote that scene from the very end of king's men but what if andrew didn't make it to neil in time

tw: major character death, tw: graphic depictions of violence

Am I Screaming to An Empty Sky? by phan_taloon [Rated M, 32016 words, complete, 2022, locked]

His stomach sank, a heavy weight settled, twisting his insides even more. His breathing had been labored before, but his lungs seemed frozen now. He didn’t understand. This couldn’t be happening. The Foxes were staring at the scoreboard expecting it to change. A chill settled around Neil, and he really couldn’t breathe. Basically, what if the Foxes lost the finals? This is so self indulgent, I just love putting myself through pain via these characters. Title taken from Anathema by twenty one pilots Upped the rating, added warnings, so buckle up, the updates will hurt

tw: violence, tw: suicidal thoughts, tw: suicide attempt, tw: self harm, tw: major character injuries, tw: rape/noncon, tw: dissociation, tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced depression, tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: nonconsensual drug use, tw: drug addiction

White by heart0fdarkness [Rated G (we say T), 862 words, complete, 2019]

Hallucinations. He says they will pass, like everything else. Like the inability to line up words and walk straight without tripping up and getting hurt. Like the memory lapses and the blackouts. Like the emptiness.

tw: traumatic brain injury, tw: gun violence, tw: blood, tw: assumed suicide attempt, tw: attempted murder, tw: psychiatric drugs administered without knowledge

Shadows and Monsters by starlonging [Not Rated, 4433 words, incomplete, last updated Dec 2018, locked]

Neil didn’t know they’d reached the last minute of the game until the buzzer blared overhead but his body understood and finally gave out on him. He fell to his knees on the court, stomach twisting and entire body feeling like a big bruise. His gasped breaths did nothing for him but he forced his head up to look at the scoreboard when the buzzer blared again. Nine-Ten, Ravens’ favor. They’d lost.  They’d lost.

tw: dark, tw: violence, tw: torture, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced child abuse

King Without a Court by FatesOfConquest [Rated T (we say M), 8264 words, incomplete, last updated Nov 2018]

Ichirou had spared Riko's life after the championships, leaving his younger brother adrift and directionless. But Riko is nothing without Exy, not even alive, and plans his revenge against those who had taken everything from him; the Palmetto Foxes and their new vice-captain.

tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: torture, tw: violence, tw: kidnapping, tw: panic attacks, tw: major character injury, tw: blood

Remembered. by LunnVic [Rated T, we say M, 10756 words, complete 2017]

Ichirou Moriyama lets Neil Josten go. But not so easily. He lets him go back to the last game with a clear deal: if the Ravens wins, Neil will be executed. But if the Foxes win, Neil will have to execute Riko and clean up his mess. He will be the person who cut losses everywhere, he will have to make dissappear people from Carolina to South Carolina. Cops, doctors, moles. Proust. And when Nathaniel Wesninski has done with this, then he will be free to be Neil Josten. Not a minute before.

tw: dissociation, tw: violence, tw: murder, tw: canonical character death, tw: blood, tw: cannibalistic thoughts, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: knives, tw: nonconsensual drug use

Two Kevin-centric post canon fics where Riko survives TKM:

Funeral Pyre by KweenDay [Rated M, 9581 words, incomplete, last updated Aug 2024, locked]

Kevin did everything to prevent ending up on a team with Riko Moriyama: he waited until he was sure Riko signed with another team, and then picked one only two hours away from Jean and Jeremy, and half-a-country away from Riko. He'd planned everything just right. And it still wasn't enough in the end. Now, he's stuck in the same city, team, and damn apartment, with Riko, and this time, he doesn't have Neil and Andrew and the Foxes to back him up. Kevin is all alone against him. Or at least that's what he thinks—Jean and Jeremy have other plans.  AKA Riko doesn't die in TKM and Kevin ends up on the same team with him after graduation. Jean and Jeremy plot Riko's murder (probably😂)

tw: violence, tw: panic attacks, tw: emotional manipulation, tw: psychological torture, tw: drug abuse

Things you can tell just by looking at him by RJSawyer [Rated T, 36768 words, complete, 2020]

Going on Kevin's third year with the Foxes, he wanted a smooth year. He wanted to be over the crippling anxiety of his time at the Ravens nest. He wanted to win championships for the third year in a row. He wanted to hear Riko's name and not flinch. He wanted to get though the week without a nightmare. Kevin wanted a lot. For Kevin, want and need were interchangeable since he was never really able to want anything. After the Foxes first championship, Riko's broken arm, the Master stepping down and Kevin being back on top of his game, the Breckenridge Jackals had climbed tooth and nail up the standings. They knocked out Penn State and Kevin knew they were going to be the new power house. So why did they not recruit one of the best Strikers Kevin had seen when they already had him in their circle?

tw: panic attacks, tw: drug overdose, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced suicide

Riko becomes a Fox:

Quarter House by Noomynoom [Rated M, 2316 words, incomplete, last updated June 2023]

Riko knew the cast on his arm is not a guarantee of him living long enough to take it off, and so he ran. Foxes save a stray from becoming a roadkill.

tw: injuries

Redeeming Riko by Rachello344 [Rated M, 3792 words, incomplete, last updated July 2022]

Riko has lost everything: Kevin, his chance with his father, the big game, his brother's respect, and now his pride and what little freedom he had. He can either let the Foxes take him in and show him a life outside of the Nest or he can die. Riko would rather die, but Kevin has other ideas for him.

tw: suicidal thoughts, tw: implied/referenced abuse, tw: injuries

fandom fun post

 Why am I gasping? I already knew that by @bvrtysbvtches [tumblr, 2024]

pov: me reading the final game between the ravens and the foxes from jean's pov

Art

kandreil WINNING🗣️ by @deklo

Neil playing as backliner against Riko by @s-hanna-h

The Epilogue cartoon by @unkingly for @giveyourbacktome-zine (tw: gun violence, tw: graphic murder)

[existennialmemes]

Them: You wanna come over for coffee & cake?

Me: [trying to sound normal] Yeah, I love doing drugs and eating pastries!

[orittsu]

DC Prompt #5

In an effort to limit Tim's caffeine intake, the batfam switch most of his coffee to decaf. Just enough to keep him functional.

Or so they thought.

Tim's been suddenly dropping asleep all week. Worse still, he doesn't even seem to care. Just drinks more coffee.

They're starting to get worried, what's going on?

[neuroticboyfriend]

caffeine good

[angeldustanalog]

DONT TALK TO ME UNTIL IVE HAD MY KEY BUMP 🤬🤪😂

[uwabbittuwabbit]

i propose that we put our motorcycling guys in the most boring mundane forgettable profession ever as an experiment because then that would truly bring out their insanity i think their irl job already offsets just the sheer wacko crazy hijinks that their minds get up to like we can excuse it as haha he's a rider ofc he would do that :) but in like a fucking office desk job you really have no excuses but also all the excuses for inflicting your funhouse mirror of a brain onto other people just to feel something amplified by the utter mind numbingly non stimulating for the cortices environment that is an office cubicle

[aceing-on-the-cake]

I am in desperate need of a solution to feeling like I didn't sleep even 7 hours the last night and I need that solution to not be "maybe you should try sleeping at least 7 hours overnight" please and thank

[anotherpapercut]

I know Mormons are off the fucking shits but saying with disbelief that Mormons think of caffeine as a drug low key makes you sound like an elementary schooler learning that Tylenol is a drug. caffeine is literally a drug. so is alcohol. just because society says coffee addiction is acceptable but weed addiction isn't doesn't make it not a drug addiction lmfao. the sooner y'all accept this the sooner we can try to move the fuck past the stigma against addiction

[aropride]

nobody asked and its not relevant to anything im just traumadumping for fun but im thinking about the time i was leaving [redacted]'s room and he was like "here take this" and put a pill in my hand and i was like. "what. is this" and he was like. "dont worry abt it just take it" and i was like. seriously what is this im not taking a random unmarked pill??? and i had to like Argue with him and he was like "but don't you trust me??" like no not if you try to give me an unknown drug and get mad and guilt trippy when i ask what youre trying to get me to take! he eventually told me it was melatonin but it's the Principle of it. i'm not taking your unmarked pills bro idc if we're friends! show me the bottle it came from and let me read the label what the fuck!!