#cRACKFIC

[prokopetz]

I understand that The Amazing Digital Circus is ripe for "what if the main character snapped and killed everybody" crackfic, but y'all, if Pomni went off the deep end she would not be your sexy glitchcore murderwife. She'd do it screaming and flailing, and it'd make Tom and Jerry sound effects the whole time she's killing you.

[rooksunday]

when the coruscant guard toured their new barracks, they immediately clocked a problem.

“where are the rest of the bunks?” stone asked, looking between his datapad of assignments, and the last of the dozen bunkrooms.

even sleeping two to a pod, with four pods to a room— even hotbunking, like they were going to have to if the ‘suggested’ shift schedule was correct— there simply weren’t enough beds.

thorn grimaced. “we could give up the rec room and mess.”

“and eat where? and we need at least one room for sitting in and staring into the middle distance,” stone countered. they’d been doing a lot of the latter that day already.

with a conceding shrug, thorn turned to fox, who had been increasingly stiff and silent as the inspection had continued. stone couldn’t blame him. the building that the senate had ‘generously provided’ appeared to be held together by force of habit and spite; stone could relate, but he didn’t want to spend a war there.

“what are you thinking, sir?” stone prompted fox. the vod was always thinking something. that was his problem.

fox shook his head slightly, as if stepping out of deep water. he hummed.

“i saw something on the holonet… leave it with me,” he said.

after fox had left—marching with determination toward the broom cupboard he’d claimed as a an office—stone turned to face thorn, who was already looking at him with a particular tilt to his visor.

“on the holonet?” thorn repeated. “have you got any idea what he’s talking about? all he looks at on there is conspiracy theories and pictures of tookas.”

stone slowly shook his head. “i’m sure it’ll be fine. i’m sure it’ll be… fine.”

the guard moved in. they made it work. what other option did they have?

six weeks after landing on coruscant, fox burst into the commanders’ shared bunk with something fluorescent streaked across his armour and the stench of burnt feathers in his wake. he’d lost his helmet somewhere. stone had been cleaning his armour and threw the cloth at fox in instinctive reaction, but fox just batted it away.

“what the kark, sir?” stone spat out, heart thick in his throat.

“whuzzat?” thorn mumbled as he rose to a sit. “fox, you stink.”

“of victory,” fox countered. he stalked across the room and thrust and vial of smoking … something… to stone. “here, drink this.”

stone’s eyebrows rose. “no? sir?”

“is it tasty?” thorn asked, sleepily.

fox produced another vial from his utility belt and held that one out to thorn. he popped the cap with his thumb. smoke boiled out, glittering like dust motes. this vial was presented to thorn.

“i put honey in yours,” fox said.

of course he did.

but if fox was handing mysterious vials to thorn, he probably wasn’t planning to kill them all. probably. besides, it had been a long assignment and the war wasn’t going anywhere. the chancellor wasn’t going anywhere. stone took his vial, and saw thorn take his.

“well. cheers, i suppose,” he said, catching eyes with thorn, who rose his vial in turn.

between them, fox danced from foot to foot like he’d drank too much water before a long shift. his attention flickered between stone and thorn as they drank. his eyes were bright and he kept making and unmaking fists at his sides. he looked like a tubie waiting for their first live fire drill.

stone drank.

“huh. that doesn’t—“

then things got really kriffed up.

cody rubbed at his comm as if that would help comprehension.

“say again? some interference on my end,” he said.

the tiny blue rex rubbed the bridge of his nose. “tookas, vod. hundreds of tookas. they’re all over the senate building. they’ve herded the chancellor into his office and are blocking the hallway. no one can move them. the optics would be terrible.”

“where did they come from? can’t the coruscant guard take care of it?” cody didn’t want to assign fox to animal crowd control, but wasn’t protecting the senate his job? an invasion probably counted.

“that’s the problem. one of the tookas… it knows dadita.”

“excuse me, captain. did you say there’s a tooka that knows dadita?” general kenobi asked, leaning in to see rex. he’d been working on the other side of the office on the negotiator; sound didn’t have far to travel.

“that’s right, sir.”

“fascinating. what did it have to say for itself?”

rex shifted his weight. he looked off-camera. “it said, ‘tell cody i’m the kar— i’m still the smart one’. sir.”

silence weighed heavily in the room. cody scratched his nose and turned the message over for a second time. a third. an eleventh.

“therefore you believe that this tooka—“

“is commander fox, sir, yes,” cody said, so rex didn’t have to.

“fascinating,” kenobi said again.

“yes, sir,” rex said, his tone implying that fascination wasn’t really the problem. “and also— excuse me, sirs, one moment.” his voice became louder as he looked off-cam again, and his brow furrowed. “did someone give fox’ika a lightsaber? why is it red? what do you mean, you found it in the chancellor’s office?”

cody met his general’s eyes, and suspected his own were as wide.

blast it, fox was the smart one.

[onboardsorasora]

Ok, I saw this post and laughed soooo hard, and I couldn't let it go. So here is some crack.

Max glared at Vicky as she sighed long-sufferingly. He didn’t think he understood the words she just told him. By the look on her face he knew this wasn’t a marketing joke– but boy did he wish it was.

“You are not serious.” He deadpanned, blue eyes flat.

“As an engine failure, Max.” She shrugged. “Because Sky took umbrage to what you said, the FIA are penalizing you for breaking the sporting code. So your punishment is to do the grid walk before the race today or get a 10-place grid penalty.” 

“Ten places is just exorbitant.” Max tch’d.

“You said that Sky are a bunch of wankers sucking off the stewards who don’t care about real racing on a hot mic.” It was Vicky’s turn to be deadpan. “I’ve seen no less than ten tiktoks with that audio.”

“Of course, I will just take the grid drop then.” Max shrugged, folding his arms. 

“I already spoke to Hannah and GP and they strongly suggest just doing the grid walk. You only have to talk about the car and four celebs. That's it.” She bartered, Max tch’d again.

“This is ridiculous. I, of course, am still correct about their caring about real racing.” He complained.

“There’s like a bunch of celebs on the grid, just talk to four you don’t know then you can jump in the car and drive.” 

“Fine.”

“And no cursing or calling anyone an idiot.”

“.....fine.”

— - —

Max stood in front of the cameraperson and producer, glaring down the lens with this flat bitchface pout. His racing suit was done up, post anthem, Martin stood beside him grinning gleefully. 

“Hello Max, lovely of you to join us today on the grid walk.” Martin sounded chuffed and Max wanted to bite him.

“Lovely to be here Martin.” Max smiled in the way he did when he was forced to do stupid marketing videos. He saw Vicky biting her manicured thumb out of the corner of his eyes. Martin was rambling on about something and then pointed to Max expectantly. 

Max looked at him for a moment before turning and walking away. He stood in the path of someone trying to take a picture in front of the Ferrari that was lined up beside his RB20.

“Hello, who are you?” Max asked, pressing the mic in their direction. The yet to be named celebrity did a double take before smiling widely in excitement. 

“You are Max! Stellar driving yesterday man!”

“Lovely. Thank you.” Max turned and walked away, the producer and cameraperson rushed to catch up with him. “That is one.” Max muttered before stopping again beside a woman.

“Hello, who are you?” He asked again. The blonde woman smiled.

“Hello Max, my name is Margot Robbie, big fan.”

Max smiled a little, “oh you are Australian? Daniel is also Australian. Lovely.” Max walked away.

“You are supposed to interview them, talk about the cars.” A producer said in his ear, Max shook his head– no one said anything about interviews. 

“That is two.” Max said instead. He walked towards his car and pointed to it. “This is my car. It is lovely, we are of course on pole today.” He turned and pointed to the gleaming red Ferrari. “Charles is p2.” He turned around again and waved to the cars behind them. “Of course, all of the other cars are there. I, of course, cannot go all the way back there because it is almost race time and this is st– Daniel qualified p5, lovely for him. Hello Daniel.” Max grinned when Daniel stopped beside him and tugged his headphones off his ears.

“Hello Maximus, have they finally recruited you for Sky?” Daniel joked and Max laughed.

“You know they are always trying.” 

“Don’t stay too long on this side gig yeah, can’t have you doing all these side quests and still winning everything.” Daniel winked and patted Max’s shoulder before walking off. Max watched him go with a blushy head tilt, touching where Daniel touched him.

The producer cleared their throat in Max’s ear, his bitchpout returned. “That is three.” Max muttered.

“That doesn’t count, he’s a driver.”

“Daniel, of course, is also a celebrity.” Max pointed out before stopping infront of someone else. “Hello, who are you?”

“Good afternoon Max, Barack Obama here–”

“Lovely. That is four.” Max turned to the camera and raised a brow. Martin popped up beside him, melting out of the crowd. The cameraperson turned to him just as Vicky and three other RedBull personnel came to stand beside Max. 

Max yanked the headphones off of his ears and turned away, he nodded at Barack Obama and walked over to his car to complain to GP. 

Max won the race by 40 seconds and ignored all Sky Sports questions in the pressers.

[your-local-baguette]

Funny moments as sanemi's wife

Warnings: not proofread, cursing and more. Fem!reader, proceed at your own risk. Sexual reference

Your daughter was sitting on your lap while sanemi was sitting next to you. The other hashiras conversing, a high pitched voice suddenly interrupted the conversation " mommy, what's a hooker ?" Everybody froze, your five year old looked up at you curiously. You looked at your husband with a forced smile. He side-eyed you "what ?" Your eye twitched "you're not safe when we're getting home" he looked at you "as if you could hurt me-" "don't play with fire shinaguzawa"

'shit' sanemi said in his head, if you calling him sanemi is bad then shinaguzawa....

He swore to never provoke you ever again.

--------------------------------------------------

You felt a palm on your butt, your head made a slow turn towards your husband who gave it a slap. You blinked slowly at him, you didn't even have the ghost of a smile on your face. You flipped him off and walked away.

--------------------------------------------------

You started coughing a little "my throat is sore.." you in said a quiet voice. Sanemi glanced at you "sucked my dick too much last night ?" Your mouth was slightly agape, while some other hashira were looking (muichiro isn't here) the ghost of a smirk was quick to disappear from your face. "Weren't you moaning like a bitch last night ?" The conversation ended and sanemi was grumpy at you the rest of the day. "Get a taste of your own medicine" you said rolling your eyes playfully.

--------------------------------------------------

I'm back in my demon slayer phase lol.

If you want more crack like this you can always suggest scenarios.

Love u byye!

[mitsuristoleme]

I just saw your requests are open so I might as well jump in BECAUSE SKDNDNSN ok buttttt what about sukuna + his tummy having a mind of its own BEFORE you were their wife, like, you know nothing about this man but everytime you come in sigh you hear the most direct cat calling you've come across only to see a man with an expression of "God kill me now" so you don't know what's happening but it makes you really curious so you just... Provoke him? Like, use revealing clothing, put on an expensive perfume, etc. AAAH I Just love that hc of his stomach mouth having a mind of its own istg aaaa

a/n: ok so im gonna write this in a modern au because lets be real heian era Sukuna did NOT care about dating/courting

formatted into a bullet point headcannon post because im having way too much fun with this and nothing is connected in a cohesive form (pls forgive me for that but my brain is going ham with this concept)

cw: gn!reader, cursing, sexual content, bestie!gojo, Sukuna’s tummy mouth is a menace but wbk

imagine you’re a teacher at jujutsu high and a special grade sorcerer (because i enjoy feeling strong and this is a little self indulgent) (yall can choose if you want to be gojo’s classmate or nanami’s it doesn’t really impact anything)

Sukuna gets reincarnated without a vessel (dont ask me how it just happens ok) and to everyone’s surprise, he volunteers to be an instructor at jujutsu high

he says its to “make these pathetic kids somewhat decent sorcerers so they dont ruin the name of jujutsu”

for whatever reason, the higher ups assign him a spot among the teachers at the school

imagine your shock when this 1000 year old 7 foot tall motherfucker shows in the middle of your class to introduce himself as the new teacher

you’d heard about his whole situation but you didn’t expect him to show up in the middle of a lesson

you attempt to shoo him away but he doesn’t even move (i mean what did you expect really?) and you’re forced to end class early

weirdly enough he keeps a hand clamped over his stomach the entire exchange?? you chalk it down to a stomach ache or something (that night you do wonder if curses, or er, the king of curses, even get physical pains)

ok so before i get into the whole thing lemme just-

in my head, the tummy mouth has the humour of a middle school boy and the self control of the dog from ‘absolutely anything’

so yk. its a mess.

you see him the next day in the staff room

hes wearing a starched white shirt (it accommodates all his four arms and you question how he got one made in a single day) and a pair of fitted slacks, looking WAY too good for a curse

you realise you’ve been staring through the glass window if the staff room and finally enter

only to be greeted by a LOUD wolf whistle followed by a “OOOOH HEY HOT THANG” in the deepest, raspiest, most demonic ass voice you’ve ever heard

sukuna looks like he wants to kill himself.

he gets up and leaves the room immediately

you hear the a faint “NO GO BACK AND FLIRT WITH THEM YOU WIMP ASS HOE” in the same demonic voice as he stalks away

and you’re standing there

wondering what the actual fuck just happened

did you just experience harassment in your workplace?? but his mouth never even moved???

Gojo enters the staff room right after Sukuna vanishes and you IMMEDIATELY fill him in on whatever happened in hopes that he would have any explanation

hes confused, curious and amused all the same time

this doesnt mean hes of any help though

no, the piece if shit just laughs at you and goes off to terrorise the first years take class

before leaving he very unhelpfully reminds you that you have to share classes with Sukuna today

you enter the classroom a couple minutes before the students (you literally have 4 students and one of them is a panda god knows what the point of 2 teachers for such a small class is) and find Sukuna already in the room, leaning back on the chair, his legs resting on the table, eyes closed

once again

looking WAY too fine

just as you internally celebrate that nothing weird happened THE SAME OLD DEMONIC VOICE booms a “DAMN BABY YOU LOOK FINE, CMON LEMME TAKE YA HOME”

“wha- I- Eh??? I’m sorry what the fuhck?!?” you sputter, eyes wide

Sukuna has leaped up from his chair, a mixture of embarrassment and murderous rage on his face

he hisses a “shut the fuck up” in the vague direction of his abdomen before turning to you and apologising

“i am so sorry,” he says sheepishly “i owe you an explanation at the very least after two incidents”

“OI DONT APOLOGISE ASK THEM OUT THEY’RE HOT AND I KNOW YOU THINK SO TOO”

“I WILL LITERALLY FUCKING SEW YOU SHUT IF YOU DONT STAY FUCKING QUIET”

and once again. you’re standing there. shook.

Sukuna turns to you again with an expression that clearly says ‘Gods please strike me down right now’ and asks if you know about him having multiple body parts

you’ve heard of the legends and stories: four eyes, four arms and mouths he can will to appear wherever he wants, so you nod

“Well it just so happens that the mouth on my stomach is sentient, and extremely vulgar. Although i’m sure you noticed the latter.”

his voice is a wonderful contrast to that of his tummy mouth

deep, melodic and smooth

he just got even more attractive.

fuck.

you realise you haven’t given him a response and nod dumbly muttering out a quick “uh-huh”

thankfully the students enter at that moment saving you from any awkwardness

what you have recently come to identify as Sukuna’s tummy mouth stays blissfully quiet throughout the class and shockingly enough the silence on the belly front continues throughout the day as you discuss lesson plans with your ridiculously hot coworker

that night as you’re getting ready for bed, you remember the exchange between Sukuna and his appendage (specifically the part about Sukuna thinking you’re hot) and a mischievous idea forms in your brain (hey gojo satoru’s influence was bound to kick in at some point)

the next day you leave the top few buttons of your work shirt undone and put on some of the pheromone perfume you got as a gag gift in an (what you presume to be potentially successful) effort to rile Sukuna up (lets be real you think hes pretty damn hot too)

clap yourself on the back for that one bestie because the second you enter the staff room, Sukuna’s eyes nearly bulge out of his skull and the tummy mouth starts BARKING

and drooling apparently (how do you know? well maybe because the front of sukuna’s pristine white dress shirt is now sopping wet)

“WIFE THEM UP I SWEAR TO-“

the sound of a coffee cup shattering interrupts whatever was gonna come after that

you’re met with Nanami’s incredibly unimpressed gaze

without saying anything he leaves the room, muttering, “its too early for whatever the fuck this is”

well.

that happened.

yall get together eventually

gojo tells you “i knew you wanted to fuck him”

before you can come up with any sort of response, your boyfriend’s stomach pipes in with a “OH HE DEFINITELY WANTED TO FUCK THEM”

this is your life now.

good luck.

a/n: HI IM HERE TOO THIS TIME!! i left the ‘getting together part kinda up to interpretation because im shit at writing the ‘getting together’ arcs but we’re gonna pretend like it was because i want you to be able to go wild with whatever you want

please dont copy or repost my work without my permission

comments and reblogs are appreciated

check out my masterlist

dividers by @/vanillekiss

[sinning-23]

Blowing Bubbles Blowing ZAZA

OPLA headcannons whre y/n for some reason has an ungodly amout of ouid stashed...but always offers because sharing is caring.

Warnings: uhhh some oiud, mentions of slightly nsfw topics, uhhhh yeah thats about it.

Zoro

-Ok so.....he knows that smell, but why the hell was it coming from your room.

-He doesn't knock, just kinda cracks the door open, and there you are eyes wide like you'd been caught (technically you have) but that didn't matter.

-What DID matter was that you were smoking two blunts at once and took one out of your mouth to offer him.

-He hesitates only for a second but accepts it, closing the door behind him.

-HOT BOX HOT BOX HOT BOX

-I mean this mfs eyes are bloodshot with a satiisfies smile on his face.

-"Where did you even get this?' His voice seems slightly deeper now.

-"Stole it. Good shit tho." You sigh, the two of you laid out, staring up at the ceiling that seems to be warping before your very eyes.

-There's a silence but it's comfortable...until it's not, Zoro cutting through it

-'Do you think god stays in heaven cause he's scared of his creation?"

Sanji

-You already tried to convince him this was better than any cancer stick he's put in his body but he's not one to dabble in that.

-"You can make it butter. Infuse it. Boom edibles." you suggest, passing him the ziplock back with a wiggle of your eyebrows.

-"C'mon chef boyardee, hook it up?"

-Ok so it was far more tempting than he thought and damn did he get carried away fast. Like...way too fast.

-THIS MF COOK A FULL MEAL...ALL OF IT INFUSED. Ohhh you're all fucked up. I mean REALLLY fucked up

-Zoro is knocked out, sleeping in the most uncomfortable position. I mean he's folded like a goddamn omelet with the hilt of his sword acting as a pillow.

-Luffys got his arms stretched out in one big puddle trying to untangle them

-Nami is doing circles around the ship looking at her compass needle, trying to figure out why 'Weast" isn't labeled

-And the two of you giggle away, opening and closing the fridge to try and catch the light go off and on inside.

-It's a gawd damn mess and technically your fault for giving THE CHEF A BAG OF WEED TO USE IRRESPONSIBLY

Luffy

-He found it completely by accident and thought it was food.

-ATE THE NUG. HE. ATE. IT.

-"Well, I don't know why you keep a bag of lettuce in your room, but I was hungry so I ate it. I think it's gone bad by the way. so... you're welcome!"

-You freeze, turning got him in a way that's damn near comical.

-"YOU WHAT?!"

-Oooooh hes fucked up, it takes less than an hour for it to kick in and the whole time he's a mess of tangles, stretched-out libs, asking questions that make no sense to anyone but him.

-"If I like.....stretch my stomach can I eat more than usual or...would I have to stay stretched like that until it's digested?"

-Starts to panic just a pinch because he said his 'hands don't match'

-Que him flipping his hands back and forth for the next hour

Nami

-Only smoked because you offered...and because she hasn't in a while

-Surprizingly knows some cool tricks.

-Opts to take her rolling tray out of its hiding place. Hooray for a new smoke buddy!

-She's actually really calm and relaxed when she smokes. can hold a normal conversation, she just seems a bit sleepy.

-Already prepared with food from the kitchen cause she knows she gets the munchies and already had an incident where she tried to cook while high anddd it backfired.

-Is also very creative. She keeps a sketchbook with pages of mandalas she drew under the influence. Unfortunately, it's only a talent she possesses when high as a kite.

Usopp

-Scam or not the lady at the booth said it was a very nice vase for a unique kind of flower. The plan was to gift it to you with said flower but uhhh... he couldn't find it. That is until you spotted it in his room.

-"Yooo I didn't know you dabble uUo! I would've shared my stash sooner!"

-Whatchu talking bout Willis?

-"What? No no, the lady said this was a vase for a special kind of flower and- Ohhhhh."

-He pauses, giving a nod and clearing his throat.

-Did you just teach Usopp what a bong is and how to use it???

-He gets terrible munchies after and can't decide whether he wants something out the kitchen or to simply eat you up because you already a snack (oop girl hold on-)

-If hes not horned up he's paranoid. No inbetween. literally like, "They're in the walls!" paranoid or "I'm in your walls" just nastyyy

Shanks

-Ouid you say? Zaza? The devil's lettuce? Oh, he will be partaking.

-Will fuck up the rotation. Not on purpose tho, it's just been a while since he'd done this.

-Was kinda a pothead in his youth. These days the closest he can get is a CBD ointment he uses for soreness in his back and shoulders.

-So when he catches you with quite literally the FATTEST joint he has ever seen in his life he can't help but join in.

-"There's no way you're smoking that by yourself." He chuckles, sitting crisscross beside you as you begin to pass t back and forth

-Please don't try to outsmoke him. You will lose and green out way before he does sweetie.

-Shotgunning, that's all I have to say.

-He gets kinda freakayyyy when he's high, so just expect wandering hands and some deep, passionate kisses.

Buggy

-Oh you stole it from someone and he stole it for you because wtf? You're supposed to offer your Captain the shit you steal that totally a rule.

-You don't say anything when the bag goes missing but you do smell your precious green coming from your Captain's quarters.

-You knock, hearing a light cough, and then 'come in"

-THIS MF IS SMOKING ALL YOUR SHIT.!THE SHIT YOU WORKED HARD TO STEAL!

-"So you were gonna keep this little gem a secret from me? I'd laugh in your face right now but I feel like I'm gonna cough up a lung" He strains, very obviously holding back a series of coughs.

-He doesn't seem upset and passes the joint to you with a welcoming smile.

-Who tf else did you think Shanks would smoke with back in the day?

-For once he's not talkative, just enjoying the feeling of complete relaxation. It's like he turns his brain off for a moment. he needs it honestly.

-Is literally the BEST at rolling. Like every time it's a perfect, photo-worthy blunt.

[mammalsofaction]

It'd be weirder if they weren't right?

Rating: T

Ships: ambiguous Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus

Add Tags: Kys tags, crackfic, outsider POV, soc media AU, human AU (technically)

Summary:

Someone found out about Doof's Perry themed boxer shorts, and the group chat exploded

AN: This is mostly an unedited crackfic outsider POV surrounding human AU Perryshmirtz inspired by this post, even though there isnt actual much Perryshmirtz happening. I just thought the prompt was hilarious and i love a good Outsider POV. The earliest picture begs the suspension of disbelief but i didnt know how to edit it??? I dont even know. Um.

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[prokopetz]

It just occurred to me that, assuming Bram Stoker's Dracula takes place roughly in the year of its publication, John Harvey Kellogg is coicidentally about the same age as Abraham van Helsing, and now there's a crackfic I'm genuinely upset I'll never have time to write.

[xxlady-lunaxx]

hsjsjsjdhdhd love your sanegiyuu+ kamado siblings notes omg pls write it if you want!!! i would love to see it fully fleshed out.

and pls take your time w my requests!!! i am always willing to wait 💜

i mean technically it was your idea so lots of props to you<3 also i'm glad you don't mind bc fuck i've been taking so long 😭

For a while now, Sanemi's had his eyes set on Giyuu. If asked, he wouldn't have been able to pinpoint a specific time when stirrings began to make their appearances. But did it really matter?

After a couple sessions of ranting about Giyuu and a couple more lectures by Obanai to just ask the fucking man out, he steeled himself to the task, asking his crow for directions and marching towards Giyuu's estate. As it turned out, fate seemed to have other things in mind.

Tanjiro and Nezuko were at Giyuu's house that evening, crowding around him and overwhelming him with lively chatter—though it was mostly Tanjiro. As they spoke, a sudden aroma of ohagi and tea hit Tanjiro and he froze, an almost frown threatening to wilt his smile. Sanemi was here, and he was coming. He turned to Nezuko, leaning down to whisper in her ear.

"Nezuko, we have to protect Giyuu-san now, okay? Shinazugawa-san's coming here and he's mean—he's the one who stabbed you, remember?"

Nezuko gave a quick nod, still clinging onto Giyuu's arm.

Giyuu noticed the new presence a second later and Sanemi's appearance became visible as he started down the path towards Giyuu's house and the trio.

"Shinazugawa...? Why is he here?" Giyuu muttered, mostly to himself.

His words brought an instantaneous result and Tanjiro and Nezuko latched onto him, swarming him with distractions. He stumbled slightly at the sudden amount of complete and utter attention, blinking quickly and trying to keep up with their conversations.

Sanemi, who was only a couple yards away now, was scowling. Because of course the Kamado's were here. Of course. But they annoyed him so much and he really wanted to scream now. But he kept going because no doubt Obanai would berate him if he came back and reported that he hadn't even tried.

As he gained closer ground, Tanjiro peeked back and glared furiously at him, his usually soft and smile-graced face now contorted in a stupid, petty frown. Honestly, Sanemi wanted to laugh. And run away. Because Hashira or not he understood perfectly well the overprotectiveness siblings could hold and Giyuu and the Kamados were basically family at this point so he was sure this wouldn't end well.

Nevertheless, he approached Giyuu whose head tilted so adorably in question. As Sanemi went to speak, Nezuko pulled on Giyuu's haori sleeve, mumbling something unintelligible. Apparently, Giyuu understood because he picked her up, bouncing her gently on his hip. Tanjiro skirted in front of Giyuu, creating some sort of human blockade which seemed to be to stop Sanemi from talking. Irritating, but he would have to make do.

"Hey, uh, Tomioka?" Sanemi started. His words were drowned out by a sudden stream of mostly incoherent sentences that Tanjiro shouted, pushing tons of enthusiasm into, shooting Sanemi another glower before going back to Giyuu.

Sanemi let out a breath and said, louder this time, "Tomioka! Tomioka- Uh, God, can you hear me...?"

Giyuu seemed unable to make sense of anything now as Nezuko joined in, huffing and mumbling, adding to the chaos of sound. Tanjiro turned slightly to Sanemi, just enough so he could see the grin that accompanied his chorus of words.

"Shit- Can you guys just shut the fuck up?!" Sanemi snapped, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

Nezuko made a sound equivelant to a gasp and gave Sanemi an accusing look, crossing her arms. Tanjiro, delivering a similar reaction, reached up to cover Nezuko's ears.

Giyuu frowned. "Don't swear in front of innocent children, Shinazugawa... It's not very moral."

Sanemi scoffed. "Innocent? They're children of the fucking devil, for god's sake!"

Tanjiro waved his hand at Sanemi as if he were a fly as Giyuu held Nezuko closer to himself protectively. "No, they're not..." he mumbled, looking like he wanted to swat at Sanemi himself now.

Nezuko, noticing an opportunity, promptly burst into tears. Giyuu shot Sanemi a look, muttering, "Look what you've done!" before he attended to the little girl, whispering soft reassurances and patting her head. He carried her into his house, Tanjiro close at his heels.

Sanemi simply stared for a long moment as the door closed behind them. Then he grumbled, turning and stalking back home.

The next day, he stole some of the Sakura Mochi that Obanai had bought for Mitsuri and went back to Giyuu's house. He found Tanjiro and Nezuko there yet again, although luckily Giyuu seemed to be out somewhere at the moment. He approached them more cautiously this time. They both stared up at them from their seats on the ground, eyes narrowed with suspicion.

"Uh... Here," he said, holding out the Sakura Mochi he had taken. They promptly refused it. He gritted his teeth, suppressing a string of obscenities. "You can have this... It's sweet? You'll like it, I swear."

They didn't budge. He let out a frustrated groan.

"Take it!! Oh, gods, just take it!!" he snapped, barely resisting the urge to crush the mochi and throw it at their faces.

Nezuko crossed her arms and turned her face up, eyes closed indignantly. Tanjiro copied her, mimicking the petty pose. They stayed like that no matter how much Sanemi begged for them to just take the fucking mochi until Giyuu appeared, looking slightly worn out (supposedly, he had been training).

"Huh...? Shinazugawa?" he said, uncertainty lacing his tone.

Sanemi instantly changed his expression, giving him the best smile he could muster through all his frustration and turning away from the Kamados. "Heyy... Tomioka... Hey, uh, can we talk? Preferably somewhere priva-" Sanemi started, cutting himself off with a yelp as Nezuko ambushed him, jumping onto his back.

For a moment, Sanemi was very tempted to grab her leg and throw her into the furthest country from here. But as her arms latched onto his shoulder, holding tightly as to not fall, memories stirred in his mind and he got a different idea. He still did hold onto her legs, but instead wrapped them around his waist, hoisting her up so she would stay, and turning back to Giyuu as if he wasn't just giving a piggy-back ride to the devil of a little girl who had just jumped on him.

"So?... Can we talk?" Sanemi asked, ignoring Giyuu's half bemused, half amused expression.

On Sanemi's back, Nezuko appeared confused because she didn't do anything at first. Then, apparently deciding it wasn't that bad, leaned onto Sanemi, laughter bubbling in her chest.

Of course, Tanjiro quickly decided this wasn't a good thing and snatched Nezuko back, hugging her tightly to his chest.

"He doesn't want to talk, Shinazugawa-san," he said firmly, as if Giyuu had somehow confirmed this.

Meanwhile, Giyuu was just staring at them with an expression that spoke clearly for itself. He really didn't know what to do anymore.

"He never said that," Sanemi argued, glaring at Tanjiro.

"His silence was answer enough!" Tanjiro shot back.

As they bickered back and forth, Giyuu finally spoke up, causing a pause in their conversation.

"Why do you want to talk...? And why do you keep coming to my house?" he asked, frowning. "Are you stalking me?"

Tanjiro looked on the verge of laughter but stopped Sanemi before he could speak, apparently wanting to embarrass him as much as he could. "He wants to ask you out, Giyuu-san."

Giyuu was only more confused. "Ask me... out? We're outside now, though."

Tanjiro shook his head and not for the first time, Sanemi resisted the urge to punch the boy in the face.

"Not literally outside. Shinazugawa-san likes you, I mean. He wants you to be his boyfriend, I think." Tanjiro crossed his arms, turning to glare at Sanemi before freezing when he saw the obvious flush that was spreading on Giyuu's face.

"What?" Giyuu asked. Possibly, he was on fire. Just his face.

Tanjiro sighed. "Nevermind... Please ignore everything I said."

Giyuu, however, did not ignore it. He turned to Sanemi, eyes wide. "You like me? I thought you hated me?"

Sanemi let out a breath, wishing he could crawl into a hole and die—because honestly this was so much worse than he'd imagined. Giyuu deciding he hated him and stabbing him was really a much better result.

"Yeah, well, I don't. Surprise!" Sanemi said, voice taking a sarcastic at the end. He was so ready to just completely drop the whole notion of dating Giyuu if all these difficulties became normality.

Giyuu opened and closed his mouth several times before he spoke. "You want to date me...?"

"Is that not obvious?"

Considering this, Giyuu said, "Are you sure?"

"What, do you need me to spell it out for you? Yes, I want to date you. Will you just respond or something?? Do you wanna go out or not?" Sanemi asked, a bit too harshly.

"I-" Giyuu started.

Tanjiro cut him off. "I don't want you dating him."

Sanemi rolled his eyes. Big surprise there. "Okay? Why?"

"Because you're mean! And you stabbed Nezuko! If you apologize, then maybe..." Tanjiro said, crossing his arms. It was obvious he expected Sanemi not to apologize.

But at this point, Sanemi felt that if he just left all his effort and suffering would be wasted. So, instead, he caved, bending down to talk to Nezuko who was still in Tanjiro's arms.

"Uh... Hey, kid," he said awkwardly. "Sorry...? For hurting you. And breaking your box."

Nezuko considered this, then nodded approvingly. It didn't take much to please her, Sanemi guessed with a triumphant glance at Tanjiro who was not very happy.

"You also have to promise to devote your life to Giyuu-san and never make him sad and-" Tanjiro tried, but Giyuu interrupted.

"Tanjiro... That's too much. He doesn't have to do anything for me," Giyuu said.

"But-" Tanjiro protested, only for Giyuu to cut him off again.

"No, Tanjiro, it's-"

This time, Sanemi butt in, saying, "Yeah, okay, I promise to do my best. Can we get back to the topic??"

Tanjiro sighed. "Fine."

Satisfied, Sanemi turned back to Giyuu. "So?" he prompted.

"I... Yeah, I want to date..." Giyuu mumbled, averting his eyes.

Tanjiro looked very, very irritated but Nezuko had already moved one, playing with Tanjiro's haori sleeve.

Sanemi flashed a smile. "Great."

Ok also have a doodle of Sanemi winning over Nezuko's heart bc why not:

i wrote this in an hour i'm sorry its bad- :'> btw what this is based off of: here

[cleminthewriter]

Mom says it's my turn to give the demon drugs

So context:

This was both inspired by this post and by the conversations I had with friends on discord. We joked up the concept of Clyde eating Alex's weed gummies cause i remember hearing somewhere it's fav candy was gummy bears. Ultimately, this lead to this 1.7k word fic being created. I hope everyone is in for a ride. It should be noted I've never been on weed, so there's probably some inaccuracies. Just pretend that cause of veldigun.

(nevermind the veldigun in canon can't get drunk or high but ssshh)

If there are issues involving boundaries, this will be deleted.

Tw for Drugs (weed)

--------------------------

By now, Alex knew what to expect the second they got home from work: Clyde getting up to some kind of mischief or somewhere sleeping (Depended on whether they had the night or day shift), all while a bunch of random hallucinations danced around like sugar plums on christmas. Usually the hallucinations were depicting the shadows of kids, that weird ghost they disguised themself as, or a being that looked like it and a larger being Alex had theories on being that “partner” it’s looking for.

What Alex did not expect was a thousand, pretty much shapeless, hallucinations in bright, neon colors, which were spinning around the living room as if it were a planetarium. In the middle of it all, laying upside down in a pile of blankets, cushions, pillows and other such soft looking material that Alex could tell came from around the house, was Clyde, who had a thousand yard stare as it’s many different voices muttered things Alex couldn’t even vaguely understand.

Ok, so something was up with Clyde. Now the question was what.

Alex’s first thought was it somehow a sort of seasonal behavior thing, like the hibernation it went through a few months ago. Alex was praying that this time they wouldn’t accidentally get dragged into it, but then they looked at the walls the hallucinations were projected to. Their shape suddenly reminded Alex of something: 

Gummy Bears.

Alex recalled Clyde talking about it’s love of Gummy Bears some time ago, but why was it the hallucination? Alex figured, perhaps since Clyde was in this zoned out space, asking might work. “Clyde?” Alex called to get it’s attention. To Alex's shock, instead of being ignored, Clyde whipped it’s head towards them so fast it could have given Alex themself whiplash. The two stared at each other for a few seconds (Clyde’s was intense and locked directly on to Alex, while Alex’s was filled with vague fear and too afraid to look anywhere else).

“ALEX!” Clyde yelled as they quick moved into a position Alex immediately recognized. They were just barely able to dodge before Clyde moved to ponce. “They’re gonna eat me. This is the moment. I’m dead.” Alex's panicked mind told them. They braced for a second, preparing for an attack.

But the only attack they got was Clyde word vomiting.

“Ohmysixareyouokareyouhurtwhydidyougetoutofthewayineededtoprotectyoulankmannandthecaretakerscouldcomeforyouandidontwantthemtotakeyouimeanimagineifyougothurtidontwantyoutogethurtialreadylostmypartnerandidontwanttoloseyouaswellyoumattersomuchandineedtokeepyousafecomeoneletsgetyouinthenest-” 

Alex slowly stopped bracing and stared at the veldigun, who was now standing over them with a large, thick blanket (the one they got from the white elephant game last christmas. They remember it so well since Roy stole the panini press grill they got first). “Clyde what-” is what Alex started to say before said large, thick blanket was thrown on top of them. They could feel Clyde grab them and pick them up in said blanket, before dumping them onto the pile.

“There, with this blacket I found now we don’t need to worry about touch. I can keep you safe right here, only I go out.” Clyde stated like it didn’t sound like they were keeping them hostage. “Great plan I know!”

Alex was able to get their head out of the pile right before Clyde laid directly on top of them. Alex hadn’t felt this much weight on them since college when they visited a friend and their great dane sat directly on top of them. Only this time it felt like there were now three. Apparently, while Alex had been thinking of this, Clyde had begun talking again.

“-I mean, today you were a whole half hour late getting home. A whole half hour. This must mean you are hiding something, like you're getting questioned. Of course, you’d be the type to panic and accidentally reveal something. So someone’s gotta protect you.” Ah, so being in a weird state doesn’t change the fact they like to sass ok. Alex stopped paying complete attention when they looked at the creature’s eyes. … When did they get so red?

“-and I do care about you, and I never want to ever see you hurt. I miss you everyday you leave. Today I just sat on your bed for an hour missing you. Sitting on your bed wasn’t too bad though. I found these gummy bears in the bedside table drawer and-”

“WAIT GUMMY BEARS?!?!” Alex interrupted Veldigun's rant, for a horrible, terrible, completely awful realization came to Alex’s head. Clyde’s confusion only gave more fear to Alex.

“What about the gummies? Sure they tasted a little different from the usually gummy bears, and now i feel my ooze shifting around my entire body but I just assumed-”

“How many did you eat?” Alex firmly questioned.

“...I don’t know… Thirty-teen? I saved some cause I felt bad about eating all of them from you. That's a funny thing you do to me Alex, I feel bad doing “Mean” st-”

“Oh fuck…” Alex whispered. That horrible, terrible, completely awful realization has now grown thirty-teen times worse. Clyde still looked at them confused, before getting distracted and looking at one of the hallucinations.

“Haha, that one looks like a bear in a banan-” “Clyde those were my edibles.” Alex uttered in fear. “Your High. On Drugs. Weed.”

Clyde stopped and stared directly at Alex’s face. It seemed to contemplate things, or maybe it was pulling memories from some other they ate, looking for anyone who it ate that has eaten edibles. (Alex made a worthless attempt to escape the pile of blankets and other soft things while Clyde was in this state of thinking.)

“Why didn’t you label it?” Clyde questioned with an attitude.

“I don't know, it‘s in a personal location people shouldn’t be going though. Why were you looking in my bedside table?” Alex sassed back. 

“It was open!”

“Sure, sure. Can I leave-”

“NO!” it yelled as it wrapped its arms around the soft items pile it trapped Alex in. When Alex shut up, it looked them directly in the eyes.

“The caretakers, they probably know I’m here. They’re gonna tell Lankmann and then he’ll take you from me. You’ll be hurt and mistreated, and I’ll be alone and by myself again. I don’t want to lose you. I really don’t. But now if I keep you right here in this amazing nest I made, you’ll be nice and safe and warm and-” Clyde continued it’s rant on the importance of keeping Alex safe and protected from the terrible foundation. Alex listened intently to the veldigun; if they could’ve, they would have placed a hand on it’s cheek for comfort. 

The rant came to a pause as Clyde began pointing out the different hallucinations, and Alex decided to finally say something.

“Clyde, I had no idea you cared that much. I find it awfully sweet, however, you know I can’t stay in this… nest.” Alex softly explained. Clyde just gave it puppy dog eyes (how and when could it do that) as it started to cuddle.

Most likely, all this was because of weed, and not genuine. So while Alex was touched by it saying it cared about them, Alex should probably find some kind of distraction to get Clyde away from these thoughts until the high ended.

Luckily, they had a TV with a VHS player and some tapes in a cabinet on the other side of the room. Now to get Clyde off.

“Hey Clyde, since you don’t want me to leave the pile, what if you got some Non-Editable snacks for us to eat? I’m sure we’re both incredibly hungry.” Alex offered. Lucky for them, Clyde perked up at the mention of snacks. 

“I can do that! Can’t protect you if you're hungry!” it exclaimed as it got up and trotted to the kitchen, brightly colored hallucinations leaving with it.

Now was Alex’s turn to move.

They quickly (and quietly) escaped from the nest and snuck over to their VHS cabinet. Inside were a bunch of different video tapes, all Alex needed were some good videos with pretty colors and silly voices, preferably horror for Clyde. Alex was perfectly aware they had very little time to choose, and they had to act fast.

They began going through a rapid pace, trying to find the perfect one for Clyde to watch. From the kitchen, Alex could hear it go though cabinets for food. They also heard the dishwasher going off. Alex was now going to ignore the sounds coming from the kitchen. This was for the sake of sanity.

Alex, who noticed some of the bright colors returning to the room, eventually told themself “screw it” and grabbed a random tape. They removed it from the slip case, and inserted it right into the player as soon as they started to hear footsteps approach the living room. Right as Alex hit the play button, Clyde entered the room.

“What the hell Alex, get back in the-”

“La la la la, La la la la, Elmo’s world!”

…And Alex came to the horrible realization they inserted one of the joke gift they ended up with from the white elephant game two years ago: six vhs tapes of Sesame Street (remembered cause Lauren admitted it was just to get rid of old tapes her kids didn’t watch anymore). Alex thought they grabbed at least something scary, like Critters, cause they knew that was something Clyde would enjoy. But goddamn Sesame Street? This was a wild card. Clyde could either be unimpressed or decided “fuck it, they die”.

But surprisingly, neither happened. In fact, Clyde seemed to get… entranced by the show. Alex moved away from the TV so Clyde could get a better look. Said veldigun sat on the nest, putting down the “snacks” (Alex was pretty sure it brought back some dish soap, a sponge and what looked like all 5 bags of sandwich bread) it got, and just watched the show. Alex observed for a minute before also joining in on watching Sesame Street.

The rest of the night was spent in this way, just watching those tapes of Sesame Street. They’d occasionally joke and chat, but it was mostly quiet from that moment on. It was quite nice. Soon, both would pass out from sheer exhaustion, Clyde would finally be sober from weed and deny remembering anything from that night (Alex couldn’t tell if it was lying or had genuinely greened out from gummies), and Alex won’t make mention of this night to it. 

But right now, they were just a human and a veldigun, one high as a kite, and just chilling watching some puppets sing.

[oh-allie]

shakespeare and swooning

alhaitham x g/n reader

synopsis; you read one shakespeare play and now you want to impress your "buddy" alhaitham with your newfound knowledge !! what could go wrong?

fluff, g/n reader, TOTAL CRACKFIC, OOC alhaitham, SWEARING, kind of a modern au ???? i mention "ringing tighnari" but that could just be imagined as using the akasha terminal !!!! didnt write this with a modern au in mind

warning ‼️ PLEASE dont expect this to be accurate, if youre a big classic literature fan then dont attack me for not being a NERD ☹️ just imagine a poser using their fancy words (because they think its cool)

you know how libraries are supposed to be a place of study and tranquility? no the fuck you don't, or at least you don't care, because running through the house of daena with shakespeares, "romeo and juliet," in your hands is NOT very tranquil.

multiple poor akademiya students look at you, PISSED OFF because your shoes are going clu-clonk on the marble floors, which wouldn't be an issue if you weren't scurrying through the library.

is that kaveh ?? he's giving you the same look he gives alhaitham every day ..

... but this is IMPORTANT !! you're on a MISSION right now !! you just finished reading the first act of "romeo and juliet," and you're convinced your brain has expanded tenfold in size.

you're now rushing to your good pal haitham to share your knowledge! how kind and gracious!

you're stopped before his house, you've known him for long enough and gotten close enough for him to let you come in whenever. you know kaveh isn't home, and haitham would never purposefully work overtime, so you're certain you can get his attention and show off in peace.

why are you so adamant about showing off to alhaitham? is it REALLY showing off, or are you trying to, heehee, impress him?? its too late to be flustered at this thought because you already unlocked the door with the spare key kaveh leaves behind one of haithams ugly ass decorative plants and you've taken off your shoes and oh god hes right there and the sunlight from the door is lighting up his face in that way that only happens to him and hes looking at you with a suprised, slightly annoyed, but incredibly fond look and oh no what was your plan again?

"greetings, alhaitham! ☝️🤓" you say, finding a surge of confidence remembering the story you read.

"... hey. what are you doing here?" his response is quick but before you respond he continues, "did you just say greetings?"

"indubidibdibdly! hath you be surprised?" you pretentious hipster. you think youre SO cool, but unfortunately your little crush doesn't seem very impressed either.

"okay, what are you doing? you're being weird." he's not even looking at you, and he's back in his chair before you can rush over and sit on the couch. "is something wrong? should i get tighnari to give you a checkup?"

you'd be touched by the care of the suggestion if he wasn't so cheeky in his tone.

"wha, what, no?! no what the hell- stop ringing tighnari."

"are thou o'er wrought with admiration?" you grin, somehow still under the impression that you sound cool.

he gives an eyebrow raise to that. not bothering to mark his place in his book, he stands up.

"i lie testy in why you act so unpregnant, my dear."

"what"

HUH ? what did bro just say ? testy ???? unpregnant ?? MY DEAR ??? backtrack again, UN-WHAT ??

"be still my beating heart, thou hast taken mine with absolute cunning." is he making fun of you i genuinely can't tell ... its like hes speaking in moon runes right now.

"haitham, heheh, WHAT are you DOING ??" you can't help but laugh at his funny little words, magic man. even if you're clueless to what he just said to you.

"whatever doth thou mean?" he's totally making fun of you !! after ALL your effort to impress him too?

"well, usually i do all the ranting and you sit pretty and listen, so it's weird that you're talking so much, especially like THAT?" fym sit pretty ....

"when words are scarce they are seldom spent in vain." that sounds familiar, but you can't think about it longer before he continues, "shall i compare thee to a summers day?"

"ALRIGHT, i recognize that one, dummy." you laugh, "were you really not impressed by me?" you whisper, the rush of embarrassment you shouldve felt in that library is finally catching up with you.

he stares at you for a second. you just wish you could find out what hes thinking up there, if you could even understand it.

and then he lets you into his mind, with a simple "i love you." as if alhaitham, renowned scribe of the akademiya, top student, couldn't find the words to describe how he felt for you.

or maybe that was what he felt for you. he loved you.

"... you called me unpregnant."

a/n; i read romeo and juliet like... 3 years ago.... so.. uam... 😇😇 totally accurate! hope this crackfic style of writing isnt too niche so this doesnt flop because EMBARRASSING....... do people even like al haitham anymore like guys lets go back to the good old days before the FRENCH came in..... (this is just me projecting cause i havent played genshin in a while and i still lovelove sumeru)

[aethon-recs]

Hi! Thank you for all your recs. I have downloaded most of them and read most of them during my 2 weeks family vacation. They were great. I was wondering if you could recommend me any tomarry crack fics that are hilarious.

This was such a fun ask, thank you for sending this in! I had a ton of fun revisiting some old favorites in this ship that made me laugh and cry-laugh and then laugh some more. As I was rereading and sorting through the fics on this list, I noticed a few recurring themes that came up... coffeeshop AUs, social media fics, funeral-themed fics(!???), and a myriad of food-themed fics. 

I really hope you enjoy this selection of hilarious silly clever witty cracky takes on Tomarrymort 🤍

*

Tomarrymort Crack Recs

A Slice of Heaven by jellybeantarot (M, 3k, complete)

Tom is a sex worker under an agency that masks as a pizzeria, Harry orders a large sausage pizza, and yep, that's a dick in a pizza box.

almost got in a knife fight after work (a thread) / things i’ve learned since dating knife boy (a follow-up thread) by chaoscookiescrimes  (T, 2k, complete)

just Harry @'thechosenone' All im saying is a pocketknife is a purchase you’ll almost never regret.

and they were roommates by @purplemineralwater (M, 3k, complete)

Tom and Harry, roommates and stars of Gogglebox, are adored by their fans. Unbeknown to them, the fans of the show want them to be more than friends.

cam and get it by @swoontodeath (E, 3k, WIP)

Harry Potter isn't one for pornography. He's got a perfectly adequate imagination, thank you very much, not to mention a fully functional right hand. One accidental glimpse of Tom Riddle's arse, though, threatens to change everything.

Coffee Moste Evile by @wynnefic (T, 4k, complete)

After graduating Hogwarts, Tom finds work at Borgin & Burke's, where he diligently sells the darkest of arts(-themed coffee and pastries).

Dark Lord Coffee by @being-luminous (T, 4k, complete)

In which Voldemort runs his empire from a coffee shop, and wizards are generally very ridiculous.

Dearly Beloved by @wynnefic (T, 3k, complete)

Worn down after countless demands, Harry breaks and finally goes on a date with the incredibly ostentatious, vain, and self-absorbed Tom Marvolo Riddle the Third. A few days later, he attends Tom's funeral, which goes much better.

Do You Want Fries With That? (part 1) / Tom's Time Has Fry-nally Come (part 2) by jellybeantarot (T, 16k, complete)

Harry really needed some money, Dumbledore needed someone to dress up as Wendy, and Tom was the only one with the desperation to be Ronald McDonald.

found you sleeping in my coffin by @the-wig-is-a-metaphor (M, 6k, complete)

Harry gets turned into a vampire. For better or worse, Tom is there to help.

Full circle by tetsurashian (NR, 67k, WIP)

Harry and Tom’s souls are tied together. Which is why they’re in this endless loop of rebirth. At some point, they stopped caring and just started fucking with people.

Harry James [Redacted] by @duplicitywrites (T, 24k, WIP)

It had been three weeks since Harry had mistakenly landed in the 1970s, given his name to Dumbledore as Harry James, and been re-Sorted as a Slytherin. He's now broken the timeline, busted his parents' first date, and potentially botched his chances of ever being born. And, just maybe, he's also caught the attention of a certain rising Dark Lord.

Harry Potter and the—Well, Anything But This by @cindle-writes (E, 21k, WIP)

It’s 12 years after the war has ended that Death sends Harry back in time to fix the timeline and save his soulmate. Except there's one catch. Harry has to start over again from his first year.

Hiss Hiss by @vdoshu (G, 1k, complete)

Harry goes to buy himself a pet for Christmas. Tom sees this as an opportunity.

Inventing Paradoxes (part 1) / Deconstructing Paradoxes (part 2) by @perhaps-sunlight (G, 75k, complete)

When budding Dark Lord Tom Riddle overhears a prophecy predicting his demise at the hands of Harry Potter, he hatches a devious and brilliant plan: befriend the enemy, master the power-that-he-knows-not, and then eliminate him.

Keeping Your Human-Child Horcrux Happy in Captivity; A Guide to Enrichment (part 1) / The Horcrux Hotline (part 2) by @cannibalinc (M, 9k, complete)

A self-improvement series for Dark Lords with troublesome human-horcruxes. 

Local Preteens Entrap Murderous Wraith (You Won’t Believe What Happens Next) by @being-luminous (T, 22k, complete)

Harry, Ron, and Hermione discover a spell. They decide to perform it, and no one is pleased with the result.

Magically Delicious by @dividawrites, @duplicitywrites (E, 10k, complete)

Draco Malfoy is selling 'Voldemort Bathwater Boxes' at Hogwarts for questionable, unknown reasons. Harry is more curious than he should be, and this has disastrous consequences for everyone... but mostly for Harry.

no amount of therapy can help by @the-wig-is-a-metaphor (G, 2k, WIP)

The entire internet is aware of occultist youtuber Lord Voldemort's infatuation with niche content creator JustHarry. The entire internet is baffled.

no helping hand by TheOnceandFutureQueenofTarts (M, 2k, complete)

Harry just wants to have a wank; Voldemort just wants to make that as difficult and unsatisfying as possible.

Once a Paw a Time by @youlighttheskyfanfiction (T, 3k, complete)

In which Tom is still Tom, and Harry is a black cat intent on making Tom miserable. Or happy. Who knows? Certainly not Harry the cat who is absolutely just a normal cat.

Oversight by @dividawrites (E, 21k, WIP)

Voldemort’s resurrection ritual doesn’t go as smoothly as he’d planned. He requires assistance and there’s only one person he can ask—the boy tied to his father’s gravestone.

Prison Blues by @metalomagnetic (E, 68k, WIP)

Harry and Voldemort find themselves locked up in a mysterious prison.

r/AITA by @seagate-blog (G, 3k, complete)

A budding relationship seen through the eyes of Reddit posts.

Right in Front of My Salad? by IceLynx (T, 2k, complete)

In which Draco Malfoy is dead in the kitchen, Harry is regretting moving in with his boyfriend, and Tom has never been more in love.

Stories Told at Your Funeral by IceLynx (G, 5k, complete)

Tom Riddle fakes his death. To Harry Potter, the man in charge of Tom's funeral, it's all very vexing. Harry might be an undertaker, but this is a very different undertaking.

Terms and Conditions May Apply by @duplicitywrites (T, 17k, WIP)

Lord Voldemort gets one chance at a new life. This new chance comes with a lot of conditions.

The Potter Problem by Icefall (T, 8k, complete)

During his twenty-fourth time loop, Lord Voldemort meets Harry Potter at a Muggle nightclub.

The Way to a Man’s Heart by @mosiva (T, 26k, complete)

Tom has an unknown nemesis. Harry has Tom’s lunch.

The Voice of Victory by @vdoshu (T, 3k, complete)

Lord Voldemort loves a good villain speech. Harry’s just the sort to interrupt him.

Thigh High by @kushimanii (T, 400, complete)

There, covering Harry’s long, smooth legs, were the most horrifying things Tom had ever seen. And Harry was lying in their bed with them. Tom knew what his new Boggart was.

Until Midnight Comes by @dividawrites (E, 26k, complete)

A few years after the war Harry reluctantly attends a party at Malfoy Manor. He drinks a few too many and runs into a handsome man called Tom. What happens after is definitely not a drunken error in judgement—it’s love at first, blurry sight instead.

Welcome to the Cultys by @duplicitywrites (E, 12k, WIP)

Harry had two main regrets in his life: 1. Asking the question “What if I set up a mock awards show to get cult leaders to show up for my thesis study?” 2. Responding with “That is hilarious” when Ron had suggested they call the awards show 'The Cultys'.

Would You Still Love Me? by @chiocchi (M, comic/artwork, WIP)

"Harry, would you still love me if I was a snake?" Harry knows how this question works. No matter how deranged and unreasonable it is, he has to say yes. A notion he may come to regret once Tom's questions start to get darker and oddly specific.

yer a monster fucker, harry by @exarite (M, 3k, complete)

Voldemort suggests they fake a relationship. It's a reasonable suggestion, so of course Harry says yes.

*

[v0xtvdemon]

Crackfic but I haven't written in a bit

Well, here we go. I made this one short because my head's a bit empty right now but I must write-

Type: Crackfic (Written somewhat seriously)

Vox x Alastor (One-Sided)

Words: 478

Vox sat at his computer screens, all had lost signal from him going a bit overboard because of Alastor, his rival that he hated very much and did not have a crush on at all. That damn radio demon had managed to take over Vox’s thoughts again.

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!” Vox yelled, putting clawed hands over his own face in embarrassment. “What the FUCK am I supposed to do now…:

Ah, right… pretend Alastor treated him seriously…for the 5th time in 3 days.

Vox silently moved to ‘VoxDocs’, another thing he created that also had his name in it, upon entering the application he was reminded of the many documents he had created about him and Alastor. They ranged from ways to confess to full on fanfiction created of the two. Neither Valentino nor Velvette knew about these secret documents. They would’ve questioned him way too much about it at best.

Checking back to see if anyone entered without him noticing, a new document was opened and immediately titled ‘Alastor gives me attention’. It was all he wanted at the moment. Attention from his…rival.

“I swear if someone walks in I’m going to destroy them.” Vox muttered, focusing on the fanfiction he was writing.

‘I look up to the screens in front of me, grinning as Alastor begins to mock me with his pathetic voice and choice of words. His attempted insults mean nothing to me but it’s amusing to watch him try, after all it showed who was the more powerful.

Anything he said about me, hell even insults about me being weaker than both Valentino and Velvette, were useless and it was obviously getting to him by now. Or it should’ve.

Alastor was stupid enough to ignore the lack of effect his words had on me, he was completely unaware I was gaining more power from his attention!’

Perfect, absolutely perfect. Vox loved the idea of Alastor’s attention even if it was purely insults. After all they were rivals, it was perfectly normal for one to want the other’s attention, ignoring the fact Alastor only saw him as a joke and nowhere near a rival.

“Ah Alastor..your attention is what I crave..besides Valentino not losing his shit for one day.”

“What-” A voice somewhere behind Vox said, causing him to turn around roughly 188 degrees given the fact he was leaning slightly and wasn’t turning straight around because of that.

“VALENTINO FUCK OFF” Vox yelled, covering the screen as best as he could while the moth had the blankest stare known to demons ever. “Did you stare at a light for 4 hours again?!”

“Light”

“Fucking dammit” Vox growled, grabbing the other’s arm to go drag him away from the tv screens projecting way too much light for Val’s brain to handle.

Of course, distracted from making his amazing fanfiction once again.

[mrpuzzlessimp420]

Mario Simulator (Joke Fic)

Chapter 1

Ships: Marware, BatteryAcid (Mr Puzzles x Orange Juice), SMG34 (minor)

Mushroom Akademi was your normal pseudo-japanese highschool and Mario was a normal student.

He had... awful as shit grades because he didn't concentrate in class (god I wish I was that carefree ) and had a decent enough reputation, expect for that one incident where he was caught... you don't want to know what he was caught doing.

Anyway, Mario was normal.

He awoke to his loud two trucks alarm and started to get ready for the day. Putting on his highschool girl uniform that definitely did not look like the sailor scout uniform, not brushing his teeth and grabbing a plate of spaghetti to eat.

He quickly checked his phone to see that it was... 8 a'clock??? He was going to be late and get told of by SMG4 because of it!

Spaghetti plate still in hand, he rushed out the door, trying his best not to trip and be a clutz like he always is.

He eventually arrived at the school, only 2 minutes late and ran to his class, before realising he had no clue where he was going and had to check his timetable, which he also realised he lost like 5 months ago.

After 10 minutes of searching for his class, he finally found it and sat down in his seat, absolutely exhausted, spaghetti plate still in hand.

"Mario? You're late again? This is the 20th time this week! You know what I don't care, just don't be a nuisance like yesterday." Karen stated, not giving a crap about Mario because she is a girlboss, a legend and the moment.

The lesson went surprisingly quickly as the entire time Mario was finishing of his spaghetti or talking to SMG4 about memes or some cringey shit like that.

When the lesson and 2nd period was over, it was finally break.

Mario ran to say hello to his friends before a figure caught his eye.

The figure was a tall, handsome TV head giving out audition leaflets for a school play, rather dramatically you could say... and pathetically as he was literally on his hands and knees begging one student to join, a crying baby face replacing his normal emotes on his TV head.

Mario's heart skipped a beat. Oh how he had fallen for this TV head for the past couple of months. Yeah he tried to mind-control his friends to force them to preform in a everlasting play but that was ages ago. Honestly, Mario was down bad for him, his patheticness, his passion for the arts, his dramatic nature. I mean he was even good to look at, I mean look at those cables and wires (bro 😭) .

"Mario? MARIO!"

Mario finally snapped out of his god damn solioquy and lovestruck pinning just to be faced with a very annoyed SMG4.

"Where you even listening to anything I said?" SMG4 asked, pissed that Mario hadn't been listening for the 100th time this week.

"Uhhhh..." Mario said before saying the most, disgusting, revolting thing you ever have seen that had to be censored for the sake of EVERYONE'S sanity.

"What? No??? I was explaining the entire FNAF lore." SMG4 explained like the cringe pathetic loser he is.

"I honestly still don't get it." Meggy stated

"I do." SMG3 stated, with lovestruck eyes that told everyone in the room that he did not understand anything SMG4 just said and just liked to hear SMG4's voice

"Ha ha Gayyyyyy!" Mario shouted before being punched in the face by SMG3

"Shut Up! You like Mr Puzzles!!!" SMG3 declared, deflecting Mario's accusation back onto Mario.

"That's because he's-" Mario was once again censored by the Great Fanfic Writer in the sky who didn't want to write out the disgusting thing Mario just said about Mr Puzzles

"We.. didn't need to know that but anyway what was I on about again?" SMG4 asked, forgetting his entire lore dump he just did a few minutes before hand.

"You were on about the lore of FNAF?" SMG3 stated, looking back at SMG4 with eyes that were screaming with 'I love you so much, I want to hear your voice all the time, we are friends, we are literally soulmates made for each other, I would literally die and kill for you.'

"Oh yeah!" SMG4 was a oblivious idiot and didn't notice SMG3's obvious pinning "Anyway Foxy Bro killed his own brother or some shit and got really depressed ig, couldn't be me"

SMG4 went on to ramble about FNAF again but Mario got bored immediately. Why would anyone care about a Purple Guy and some dead children? The lore was way to complex for Mario's stupid little brain anyway, he couldn't even count to 10 let alone remember all of that.

Mario's focus went back to the pathetic Vox look-alike and sighed lovely.

He was perfect to Mario. Absolutely perfect. Though he was a bumbling idiot and still not fully redeemed, he was harmless and Mario knew he could fix him.

Mr Puzzles was now acting like that desperate clinging to a student to get them to join didn't happen and was still handing out leaflets for the audition.

Maybe Mario could audition? It's not like he had anything better to do with his life other than eat spaghetti and annoy SMG4 24/7. And it gave him the excuse to hang out with the handsome TV head.

Before Mario could think any longer, a new character appeared on screen and jokely spooked Mr Puzzles, which caused Mr Puzzles to jump and move his hands dramatically like a primary schooler trying way to hard in a poorly done school play.

Mario immediately didn't like this new figure. How dare they spook their one and only true love? And be friendly with him? (Damn Mario just let him have friends, he needs them desperately)

The figure was tall, taller than Mr Puzzles in fact which was a surprise, and extremely buff, looking like that one yaoi art base (you know the one). His head was replaced with a glass of orange juice which for some reasons had eyes on it, like working eyes. Mario didn't question it though as the canonical SMG4 universe was already lacking of lore on how the fuck Mr Puzzles is alive after he cut his head off.

"Awww, did I scare you pookie bear? I'm sorry~!" the figure said, kissing his lover on the check loving.

"I-It's okay OJ-Kun! You just scared me a little that's all." Mr Puzzles said, extremely flustered and shy now out of no where, acting like a uwu soft twink.

Mario was seething with anger. Mr Puzzles had a lover? A boyfriend? This was not okay. Only Mario could be his boyfriend and if he couldn't, then no one could.

An idea popped into Mario's head, quite surprising as he probably didn't have any braincells left.

A very... unique idea.

You see, there was something actually... unnormal about Mario.

He was what you would call...

A yandere.

(part 2 when??? Lol)

[sinning-23]

Shake a'lil Ass

OPLA Reaction to you shaking ass, and shaking it well.

I already told yall this was my current hyperfixation I'm going all in and losing my fucking marbles in the process. Uhhhh yeah! Enjoy

Warnings: none really? like may e a PINCH of nsfw but you'll live lol, metions of shakin ass, and catching it.

Zoro

-Not really a jaw drop but his eyes get kinda big. Like he knew you had ass but to see it move like fuckin water was definitely an awakening

-Won't go out of his way to stare but will side-eye the fuck outta you when you do like a lil twerk, just barely shaking your ass in little circles. He loves that tbh.

-NOW IT'S A DIFFERENT STORY IF Y'ALL ARE IN AN ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIP

-Not that he's not gonna be mad if you're shaking as in one of the various bars they made to find their way in cause he can fight. God forbid some stranger tries to catch what is rightfully his. It's game over

-On the off chance that he actually dances with you, be prepared for his hands to be on your hips, handling anything you throw back. You might even get him to bite his lip a lil.

-If you ask him to shake ass he won't. you WILL NOT convince him. Even if it's just for a little bit, and no one is around. No ma'am no ham no spam

Luffy

-The first time he caught you twerk a lil bit was when you happened to be mopping the deck. However, the mop acted as a pole for you to keep your balance while you were in more or less a squat position, ass moving up and down.

-“What are you doing?”

-He really didn’t know what that was but he knew for a FACT he had to see it again…for research and demonstration purposes.

-Tried to catch it, but kinda of failed. Doesn’t try again but will definitely watch you when you throw it back.

-Doesn’t really have a problem with you finding another dance partner that can shake ass with you.

-He's already 5 steps ahead when a dude tries to come behind you.

-Just know before he can get his hands on you he’s being yanked back by a stretchy pair of arms and a smile that is more threatening than friendly

-He’s loved dancing with you and is more than happy to keep his hands on your hips when you throw it slow.

-His eyes get this kinda low, focused look, and somehow his lip always ends up tucked between his teeth. And there’s ALWAYS a blush rising to his cheeks.

-Gives a low, “okayyyyy.” To kinda hype you up

-What can he say his girl's so talented and beautiful and he gets to have her allll to himself.

-WHAT?! He’s allowed to be a bit possessive 😌

Sanji

-GYATTTT DAMN. Like he's stared before cause who wouldn't stare at you even when you're not twerking.

-The MINUTE he hears a beat drop and sees you sprint over to a space wide enough for your antics he's up and ready to protect you from creeps. (but also there to enjoy the show tbh)

-Never seen somebody twerk in a split before but now he has and the memory of you is tucked in a special folder in his brain...for safekeeping.

-Personally, he likes it when you have your random twerk moments. it could be the most simple task you're doing and you sneak in a lil jiggle just cause.

-In an established relationship best believes he's behind you, trying his damndest to keep up. one hand on your hip, the other taking a drag from his cigarette.

-Ok...maybe he'll try a little shake if you ask long enough, and he surprisingly got some cake back there. (whatchu doin with all that ass)

Nami

-That's my best friend, she a real bad bitch

-As your certified bestie... 9 times out of 10 she's shaking ass with you...her knees pop sometimes (hot girls with bad joints)

-Give her a break she don't do this often

-She tries and has gotten significantly better, learning from the best (you)

-In a relationship with her best believe your shakin ass on her. Like that's a given and gad damn can she catch whatever is thrown at her.

-She gets hella into it too, a focused look in her eyes with her lower lip tucked between her teeth

-Good music? a few drink in your systems? I mean there's already a dance circle formjng and there the two of you are throwing ass and catchign it for one another.

-She shakes her thighs a lot when shes alone and that ultimately turns into a lil twerk circle when shes feelin herself.

-'Oh wow...my ass kinda fat in this?" she smiles, turnng to the side to admire her figure.

-She gets kinda silly with it, chanting 'aye aye aye" or "fuck it up! fuck it up!"

-Nami = best twerk partner

Usopp

-Thinks he can catch it

-Is quickly proven TF WRONG. He miscalculated how much effort goes into that and damn he got overwhelmed fast

-Jesus Christ woman why you got so much ass like wtf

-He can’t catch it but he will grab two big handfuls of it when the chance arises

-Please throw it back slow on him- he’s literally gonna disintegrate omg.

-Yes he will shake ass with you

-Like Nami he will also hype you up

-Runs with you to the floor when the first few notes of back that ass up play. It’s serious business

-Don't let him get some drinks in his system cause ya'll will be in a nice little corner, lights just dim enough, your back to his front, the both of yall fuckin it up

Shanks

-PLEASE feel free to shake ass cause he's gonna watch, catch, and grind without a care in the world.

-The first time he caught you it was just a little jiggle, nothing more but as the drinks progresses, the more comfortable you got.

-Mans is kinda hypnotized with the way you move, like the circles, whew

-Can catch it VERY well. Only once did he falter a bit, stumbling only a pinch but he blamed it on the alcohol (no jamie foxx)

-really liked when you twerk show, purposefully pressing agaisnt him. but also

-Will squeeze the plush of your ass when you do, and I mean a handful of your ass is in his hand.

-Set his drink on top of it when you go slow because he knows you won't spill it. You'll get justtttt close enough but your hips are so calculated you don't.

-Get him drunk enough he'll shake some ass, only with you tho. dont tell him about it the next day, he'll deny deny deny with that stupid smile on his face.

Buggy

-I don't think we need to beat around the bush here. THIS MAN LOVES YOU AND YOUR ASS.

-He can catch it...sometimes. No there will not be further elaboration.

-Oh the occasion that he can successfully handle the way you move he manages to pull your hips onto him, loving the feeling of you shaking it slower

-It doesn't take much convincing to get him to twerk with you. he might ask why but will put his hands on his knees to prepare for your tutorial anyway.

-Now you wanna talk about the sound of rattling bones.... yes he tried to shake ass...but the thing is he doesn't really have any ass to shake so it just...its comical

-He's well aware of the fatty you got, hell he can't keep his hands from landing harsh smacks whenever he gets a chance. Don't let him catch you throwin it back 'cause he's gonna have the time of his life slapping it.

-Damn near fucking while dancing I mean it gets kinda nastyyyyy

-Saw you wall twerk, hasn't been the same since

-Not when he isn't particularly in the mood to dance, he loves to watch, and that's even better because he has an excuse to fuck up the next person to try and lay hands on what his.

[ushsblog]

So, do you remember that dream I had about Cedric marrying Magnus? @mushroomsie224 said it was material for a crackfic, so here I am.

Instead of writing the fanfiction I promised (I’m still working on it), I ended up writing this other short story.

I hope it entertains you, I definitely had fun tormenting Greylock. He’s lucky I decided not to be too cruel.