#by yesterday i mean friday because i'm barely getting this out in time for me

[belorussiandino]

since school started yesterday for me y'all get traditional doodles now yippee

ignore the fact the one without a name's paper is half destroyed

[write-tama]

"to live with the milkman."

╰┈➤ francis mosses (the milkman) x doorman!reader

sypnosis ; reader is worried because francis hasnt been seen in a week. they decide to pay francis' apartment a little visit..

containing! ; lois stilinksy, working as doorman, gender neutral pronouns, use of y/n, francis being a little sick and out of uniform, francis and reader eat mac n cheese tg :3

authors note ; this is lowkey a slowburn-- i didnt mean to write so much D: i started writing yesterday morning and just finished this morning LOL but ya its very just wholesome and soft ^^

4.12.24 | 2.7k words

'*•.¸♡ ♡¸.•*'

As a doorman, you realize a pattern of people would often come and go through the apartment. You know who goes to work in the morning and who comes home in the afternoon, and you know what days they typically go out and days where they don’t.

So, I'm not totally creepy when I say I've noticed a shift in Francis’ schedule, right? He’s not one to typically go out unless he has work in the morning— which is usually Tuesday through Friday, but lately, I haven’t seen him all week.

Nothing but the worst truly went through my mind. He could’ve been eaten by a doppel, or worse, was mistaken for a doppel and was exterminated on sight! These anxious feelings went through my head as I nervously clicked my pen. I glanced at today’s list again, as if magically waiting for his name and picture to show up on the piece of paper.

click, click, click.

Through the office window, I heard the subtle steps of heels clicking against the worn tiles. Sighing, I sat up straight and folded my hands in front of desk, forcing my anxious thoughts to the back of my head in order to continue doing my job. I looked up to meet the gaze of thick magenta bangs with eyes barely visible I sort of wonder how she even navigates through her surroundings.

“Good afternoon.” She greeted, her thick lips curling into a polite smile. I nod as I took her ID and entry request through the letter box, scanning through the documents for any misspellings or misinformation. As I carefully examined the print, I notice Lois’ lips pursing into a curious point.

“You looked troubled, sweetheart.” She noted. “Is everything alright? Besides work-stress that is.”

I sighed a little, placing her card down before looking through today’s list. I checked off Lois’ picture before turning to my request checklist. “Yeah, I just.. I don’t know. Have you heard from Francis recently?” I asked, not even masking the worried tone in my voice. Lois hummed a little, as if thinking about the last time she has even seen the man.

“The last time I saw him, he looked extremely tired. Like more tired than usual. I think he was just coming home from work? He was coughing and sniffling a lot.” She recalled. “Poor boy.. He must’ve been sick for a while.” Lois shook her head. With her words I felt like a pressure had been released from my chest. Oh, good, so there is a chance he’s alive, I thought to myself. I slid back her ID and smiled.

“Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry, I just get worried knowing that a neighbor could’ve been killed by a doppel or any force of nature of that matter.” I lightly chuckled. Lois smiled, taking her ID before looking at me.

“You should talk to him. I’m sure he could use the company right now.” Lois suggested, but through that grin I could see that teasing smile.

I sighed a little, a little grin starting to form on my face. “C’mon, Lois, that would be way too embarrassing!” I exclaimed, crossing my arms in my chair. Lois lightly giggled, raising a white glove to stiffle her laughs.

“Oh, it won’t hurt, honestly! You never know what could happen~” she said, all singy-songy. I rolled my eyes before pressing the unlock button.

“Yeah, yeah. The door’s right there.” I sarcastically replied, a big grin on my face.

“Just think about it!” She called out as she walked through the door. I shook my head in amusement, listening to the door click behind her. I locked the door and returned to my previous slouched position.

Maybe I should pay him a visit.

My shift ended around late evening. I packed my bag and slid on my cardigan before locking the door behind me and hiding the key in a place only the next doorman would be able to find it. As I walked towards the exit of the building, I thought about what Lois had said earlier about paying him a visit. I never even really attempted to go past the lobby area of the apartment building. I had no purpose to anyway. And plus, it would’ve been a lengthy process to even request a visitor’s pass due to the security. I looked over to the doorman’s office, realizing that as of now, no one is on duty. Would it be morally wrong to go against the rules of the literal job I worked in?

Maybe.

But maybe my curiosity and anxiety could take over just for this one moment.

I walked back to the doorman’s office and unlocked the door. I placed the key back in its original hiding place before entering. I made sure to lock the door behind me before taking a look around the room again. Behind the doorman’s seat, there’s a door that leads to the stairway of the apartment complex. Its main purpose was to serve as a fire escape just in case of an emergency. Eagerly and swiftly, I gently pushed the door open, making sure to not make much noise. Once I walked out, I was met with the smell of old concrete and a spiral of stairs. I sighed to myself, remembering that Francis does in fact live on the third floor.

The stairs felt endless as my shoes clicked on the hard concrete. Fortunately, I only had to take a break only two times. I was finally at the end of the stairs, my legs tired from the endless climbly. I pushed the door open and was greeted with a typical carpeted hallway with blinding yellow-white lights that nearly burned my eyes. I sighed before trailing through the doors, looking at each number plate in order to locate the right room.

“Room 02, room 02..” I hummed to myself, just like how I would while scanning through files. After turning a corner, I was finally able to locate Francis’ room. I raised my fist to knock at the door, but the soft, soothing sounds of piano muffled through the wood. I stopped in my tracks, feeling as if my knock would disturb the perfect flow of the keys as I’m sure its song filled the apartment with grace. I waited for the keys’ song to slow to an end, the melody slowly fading out of the air and a sigh following its silence. I couldn’t help but smile, and sure this gave me enough proof that Francis was in fact still alive, but.. Something about his skills on the piano made me even more intrigued by the man.

I gently knocked with my knuckles, but making sure I was firm enough for the knocks to even be heard. From inside, I heard a chair scrape against wooden floorboard before footsteps steadily approaching me. A couple locks were undone before the squeak of the door filled my ears. I looked up and there Francis was— his eyebags were relatively darker and he was still in sleep attire with a baggy set of pajama pants and a fitting white tee.

“Oh— uh, (y/n)—” he said a little shocked to see me. I smiled a little, tilting my head at him.

“You shouldn’t have opened your door so fast. I could’ve been a doppel, y’know?” I advised. I heard him suck air through his teeth as he realized his rookie mistake.

“Mmm.. I’m sorry..” He mumbled, making me raise an eyebrow.

“You don’t have to apologize to me.” I said, leaning against the doorframe. “I’ve been worried about you since I haven’t seen you in a while. I just.. Wanted to check if you were okay.”

Francis raised his eyebrows in surprise. It made me wonder if anyone else but me paid him a visit due to his absence. We lingered in silence for a minute. he stared down at me as I stared up at him.

“..May I be invited in?” I requested, breaking the silence. Francis blinked his eyes a little, as if he had been lost in thought previously.

“Mmm.. ID and entry request, please?” Francis teased, smiling a little. I scoffed, immediately catching on to his wittiness.

“Ha ha, very funny, Mr. Mosses.” I sarcastically replied, rolling my eyes. His grin grew wider, clearly amused by reaction. He stepped aside from the door, allowing me to enter. I walked in, bag still clutched to my side as I took a look around the apartment.

It was humble but quaint space. The ceiling lights were off and frankly looked like they were never used, however, his lamps illuminated a soft warm orange on his furniture. He had a small box TV and dull red couch with a small round coffee table planted in the middle. Huddled in a corner was his old piano he must've been playing earlier. Francis closed the door behind me, making sure to lock it as well. “Sorry, it’s a bit of a mess.” He apologized, quickly rushing to his couch where clothes scattered over the armrests. He went down a small hallway I assumed to be where his bathroom and bedroom was. I took off my shoes and placed my bag on the table that sat next to the door before sitting myself on the couch.

I sighed a little, almost drowning into the soft pillows. It almost made me question why he would be struggling with sleep if he has a couch as comfortable as this. I could see a bit of his kitchen from sitting on his couch. It was a decent size with counters on one side and the appliances on the other. It seemed like he had something on the stove cooking as well.

Francis walked in shortly after and took his seat on other end of the couch, keeping a distance between the two of us. I brought my knees to my chest while hugging his couch pillows. I looked at him for a bit, trying to figure out myself as to why he hasn’t been out recently. Not only was his dark circles were more apparent, his hair was a little longer and messier. He looked paler than usual as well. Francis turned to me, a curious look on his face.

“Is it apparent..?” Francis asked. I furrowed my eyebrows, a little confused on what he meant.

“Hm?” I hummed in response.

“That I’m coming down with something.” He chuckled slightly. I shrugged a little, leaning back on the couch cushions.

“I mean.. Your hair is messier.” I smiled, admiring the frizz on the top of his head. Francis quickly glanced up before running his fingers through his hair.

“It’s not that messy..” He sighed.

“Well, I wouldn’t know. You always got that milkman hat on the top of your head.” I laughed. I glanced over to the kitchen again, realizing that steam was coming through the glass lid. “I think you might want to get that.” I suggested, nodding my head towards the stove. He hummed a little before getting off of the couch and heading towards the kitchen. I watched as he reached the top of the cabinets, stretching up with ease. I couldn’t help but stare at his broad shoulders to his slim waist defined by his white shirt.

“Hey, I made mac n’ cheese if you’d like a bowl.” He offered, his voice immediately cutting through my daze.

“Oh— uh, yeah of course. I was about to get dinner after I got off my shift but here I am.” I chuckled. He nodded before grabbing another platter to make my own plate. I sat patiently on the couch before noticing the remote on the coffee table. “Hey, can I turn on the TV?” I asked.

“Hm?” Francis hummed from the kitchen. “Mmm.. Sure. I don’t mind.” He shrugged before turning back to his task.

Something about this felt so.. Safe.. And homely. I felt comfortable, despite me never even being in Francis’ apartment before. It felt familiar, and I couldn’t lie to myself and say that this is the most peace I’ve felt since the news of doppelgangers came out. I picked up the TV remote and flicked it on, browsing through the channels before find a movie we could idly have in the background.

Francis came out of the kitchen, holding two bowls with forks in each. This time, he took his seat much closer to me before placing my bowl on the coffee table. “Thank you.” I politely nodded. I took the bowl and started to eat. Honestly, to my surprise, the food was actually pretty good for a man who worked day and night. I was enjoying the comfortable silence between the two of us as we enjoyed our dinner together— something I barely saw myself seeing tonight.

“Hey.. (y/n)?” Francis mumbled quietly.

“Yeah, what’s up?” I replied, taking another scoop of the creamy mac n’ cheese to shove in my mouth.

“Why did you.. Come here?”

Something about that question made my heart skip a little. Why did I come here? I mean— I came here to make sure he was okay. That’s my job as doorman. To make sure all of the neighbors are safe and alive. But even when I heard him through the door, clearly shown to me that he is still breathing, I stuck around anyway.

Why did I come here?

“Well— I uh..” I trailed off a little, sort of lost to where I should even begin. “I was just worried about you. That is my job, no?” I said, clearing my throat. I kept my eyes on the screen, a little embarrassed to even face him.

“Mmm.. I don’t entirely believe that.” He hummed. “You could’ve called.”

Oh, fuck, yeah no— he’s right.

Ugh, Lois!

You set me up!

“That’s true..” I chuckled. “I guess you caught me.”

“Mmm..” He mumbled. He placed his now empty dinner on the table before folding his hands in his lap. “So..?”

I took a deep breath, feeling my heart beat fast inside my chest and a warmth creeping up my whole body. I placed my bowl onto the coffee table as well, and finally mustered the courage to look at him in his eyes.

“Francis..” I mumbled. He leaned in a little closer, as if he wanted to lean into my words and trusted them to embrace him.

“I.. I just.. I think I like you..” I trailed out. My head felt cloudy as a tingling sensation danced all over my skin, feeling like a little kid during recess confessing to her elementary school crush. “I've liked you.. Ever since we met. I never really said anything because I felt like you weren't necessarily interested in a relationship.. But Lois and Rafttellyn would always point out how you would look at me and I just—!”

A strong hand placed firmly on my cheek— so cold against my blushing face— pulled me in to meet those soft lips of his. I was completely silenced and wide eyed, but I knew what he was telling me. Everything in those pink lips told me that everything was going to be okay, and he liked me just as much..

I fluttered my eyes closed, wrapping my arms around his neck, pulling myself closer to his chest. The TV buzzed in front of us, sputtering incoherent actors cracking jokes and delivering their lines. Our finished bowls of dinner were scattered on the table, but it was easy to tell the food was delicious for no piece of macaroni was left unnoticed. I pressed harder against his lips, letting the thought of breathing slip my mind.

If this is what it's like to live with him—

To spend our evenings chatting

Eating dinner on his couch

Watching TV while enjoying each other's presence

Then maybe I could get used to this.

'*•.¸♡ ♡¸.•*'

tagging ; @crybabies-heart @shypizzaperson @your-local-oc-maker @spearsillustration @mochi46106 @seraphlin @glxyaaandromeda (some ppl i tagged either bc they followed me on my old acc and just some ppl who interacted with my past content and just thought they would be interested in this fic :3

thank you so much for reading and reposts and likes are always so, so appreciated <3

[notscarsafe]

Okay, so in honor of all the Hermits stirring things up on Twitter today, let's REALISTICALLY consider Season Ten. What do we know, what are our clues, actually???

(Speculating and overanalyzing are really fun so I'm just going to embrace my tendency to Listify Everything and spill my thoughts on Season Ten under the cut!)

First Evidence: The Words of the Hermits.

Nine Days ago Scar said in his Jellie tribute video that Season Ten was “Just around the corner”. Five days ago on the 18th, right after the Hermit meeting that probably finalized their start of the season plans, Cub posted his cryptic tweet whose incorrect capitalizations spelled out “SEASON TEN SOON”. I can't imagine either of those hermits using that phrasing if the season start was more than a month away.

What's more, Gem posted yesterday the 23 that “If hermitcraft s10 doesn’t start soon I’m gonna explode!!!” I can't imagine Gem being that impatient unless there was only a couple of weeks or maybe just one week left before filming.

Second Point to Consider: Hermit Conscientiousness.

The Hermits sre generally really kind to each other and have known when the Hermitcraft Vault Hunters challenge was going to end (Jan 31st, midnight) for months. Per Iskall, the videos of the Herald Vault will drop February 1rst and I can't imagine they'd want video competition between that content and the new season.

Clue Three: The Streaming Activities of the Hermits.

The sheer amount of time Joe has spent playing Vault Hunters lead me to believe they can't have started filming for Season 10 yet. Seriously, when Joe finally has a day without a bonus Vault Hunters stream I'm gonna get mighty suspicious. Joe has streamed more than three hours of Vault Hunters every single day for a week. There was Wednesday when he did his art stream, but I wouldn't expect that to have been a launch day because:

Fact Four: Editing turn around times are so grindy.

The traffic series always has a several day turn around for editing time (IE film Monday post Friday) and several Hermits still struggle to get them out on those days. Even if the hermits were going to ignore the Vault Hunters conflict and start filming season ten this week, tomorrow even, they'd just barely have enough time to squeeze those videos out before the Herald Vault videos. As I'm editing this post Impulse just said he's trying to finish his office reorg this week and have a tour out next week. That does not sound like 'filming this week and editing the new season opener' behavior.

If it goes as Iskall indicated on stream, the Vault Hunter hermits will film the Herald Vault and post as soon as possible on February 1st, meaning the earliest they could kick off season ten would be Friday the 2nd. Even if they film on then I can't imagine them dropping new season videos/having them edited any earlier than Monday the 5th. Furthermore:

Clue Five: A lot of Hermits are very protective of their weekends.

Pearl for example almost didn't join the Decked Out visitor day because it was a weekend. It may be that Monday the 5th would be the more likely earliest useable day for filming after Vault Hunters ended. With editing turn around, we'd guess the start date to be Friday at least.

In Conclusion:

My totally bullshit overanalyzed but still blind guess is that the Hermits will film season ten starting February 5th and will drop videos sometime between February 7th and 9th.

That being said, Cub's cypher today that may have just been trolling said season ten would be “sooner than we'd think” so they may surprise me yet.

Keep an eye out for days where no hermits stream or days where Joe does a brief “1 hour chill stream” to see when the Hermits might be suspiciously behind the scenes. I won't be mad if I'm wrong, overthinking is fun. Either way I hope you join me in hypong up the new season and the new Hermits joining the Hermit Fam. I can't wait!

(Note: this post originally reported the herald vault videos as dropping the 2nd which was an estimate from a stream, but Iskalls video today reported they'd drop the first and this post has been edited to reflect that ❤️)

[queenshelby]

An Illicit Affair

Part 23: Stalker

Pairing: Cillian Murphy (46) x Reader (23)

Warning: Age-Gap, Taboo Relationship, Infidelity

One week on...

Several days had passed since your affair with Cillian came to light and it came much to your surprise when, on Friday morning you saw something strange by the side of your block.

For the past four days now, there had been a black Mercedes lurking in the shadows of wherever you went and, if it wasn't for one part of your mind telling you not to be delusional, you thought that you were being followed. 

Thinking about how absurd being followed sounded though you almost shook it off as a figment of your imagination or perhaps your guilty conscience exaggerating, but something about all this felt rather odd and even your best friend Enna agreed. 

"The car is there again," you pointed out to Lucy as the two of you walked to the hospital together for your shift. " And I swear, it's been there the entire time. I could see it from the window upstairs."

Lucy raised an eyebrow at you, her curiosity piqued. "Are you sure it's the same car?" she asked, skepticism clear in her voice.

"Yes, I'm sure," you replied firmly. "Look, it's right there," you said, gesturing towards the parking lot. "It was parked outside the hospital yesterday too when I finished up my shift and I have seen it before in front of Cillian's unit," 

Lucy glanced over in the direction you were pointing and noticed the black Mercedes parked a few rows over. "Okay, fine. It does seem strange," Lucy conceded reluctantly. "But maybe it's just a coincidence?" she suggested, the doubt evident in her voice.

You shook your head adamantly. "No way, Em. It even parkes in the same spot every day. I'm telling you, someone is watching me."

Lucy gave you a concerned look, her normally bright and cheerful expression replaced with a more somber one. "Have you reported this to the police?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

You sighed heavily, your shoulders slumping in defeat. "I can't really go to the police with this, Em. I mean, what am I going to tell them?" you asked, sighing deeply. "That I have been having an affair with my ex-boyfriend's father and now I suspect that his crazy ass wife might be stalking me?" you said, feeling utterly ridiculous at the mere prospect of uttering such ridiculous and scandalous words out loud. "Oh, and by the way, he is a famous actor too and she almost leaked a sex-tape of us after hiding a camera in his bedroom," you added sarcastically, rolling your eyes.

Lucy nodded understandingly. "Yeah, maybe not the best approach," she admitted. "But have you tried talking to Cillian about it?"

"No, because he already has enough shit to worry about," you told her, thinking about the turmoil that your affair had caused in his life. From the moment that Max had walked in on the two of you, nearly everything had spiraled out of control. Max had was refusing to speak to his father, and Danielle had threatened to ruin his career by leaking the sex-tapes if he didn't end things with you immediately. In the end, Cillian's attorney filed for an emergency injunction to prevent her from leaking the tape whilst, at the same time, serving her with divorce papers. 

"I get that Y/N, but his wife is a nutcase. I read the medical files and whilst I do think that you are a little paranoid right now, you should at least talk to him about your concerns, just to err on the side of caution I mean," Lucy implored, her eyes fixed on yours, searching for understanding.

"I know, Em, but I don't even know where we will go from here," you confided, feeling the tight knot in your throat as you spoke. "We aren't in a relationship or anything and I feel like I need to give him some space right now. I don't want to burden him with my paranoia," you added, the words heavy with resignation.

Lucy nodded sympathetically, her heart going out to you in this moment. She knew how much you cared for Cillian, but she also knew the impact of the situation and the weight of the decisions that now lay before you both.

"I know Y/N, but you are still sleeping with him, are you not?" Lucy asked, concern clouding her features as she looked over at you.  "Because his ex could have gotten wind of it and do something stupid now," Lucy worried. 

"Yes, we slept with each other once since the incident at his house. He's been in Ireland mostly," you admitted, your voice barely audible. Emotion clogged your throat as you recalled the tenderness in Cillian's touch, the gentle brush of his lips on yours that had made you feel wanted and desired despite the turmoil in your lives. But that one time together had only added fuel to the wildfire of passion that could not be contained anymore. In spite of the chaos, you couldn't resist the temptation, and neither could he.

"And what did his lawyer say? Didn't he make it clear that you should keep your distance from each other at least until the separation hearing was over?" Lucy asked, another wave of concern sweeping over her.

"He did, I know. But we were careful. We met at a hotel, not his apartment," you explained, sighing deeply as you reflected on the intense, passionate encounter. "Cillian was upset and asked if he could see me. I could hear it in his voice that he was struggling so I said yes," you admitted with a shrug, your tone nonchalant and yet, cracking with emotion, evidence that you were still reeling from the gravity of the situation.

Lucy shifted her weight towards you. She hadn't seen you this distraught since your father's death and witnessing your heartbreak now made her feel helpless and frustrated.

"Okay, let me ask you something, Y/N," Lucy stated, searching deep into your eyes as she chose her words carefully. "Do you truly love him? I mean, enough to deal with all this drama and keep seeing him despite the potential backlash to your career if this comes out?" Lucy's voice was soft and sincere, her gaze steady on yours.

You let out a pained sigh, your shoulders slumping with the weight of the question. "I don't know, Em. All I know is that I've never felt this way before, and I can't seem to shake him off. Not that I even want to. I just wish things were different, you know? That we had met under other circumstances, which wouldn't make it so bad," you sighed, your voice trembling as you spoke the words.

"I will always have your back Y/N, but just think about it for a minute," she began, her tone gentle yet firm. "Cillian is over twenty years older than you. His family dynamics are a mess, and he is your ex-boyfriend's father nonetheless which means that, if it was to come out - and it will come out eventually - then the press will have a field day with it. Your life and career will be covered in headlines that will ruin everything you've worked for thus far," Lucy warned, and she was right.

But you struggled to push Cillian out of your mind. He was charming, experienced, passionate, and so unlike Max. The attraction was instant and undeniable.

"I know that, Lucy. I know that it is reckless, but he makes me feel things I can't even describe. He is not just a fling, not just a temporary high, but someone who understands me, someone who fills in the spaces that no one else ever could," you confessed while walking side by side with Lucy, the hospital already in sight.

Lucy nodded, letting out a deep breath. "Then you need to protect yourself and be prepared for whatever comes next," she advised, as she touched your arm comfortingly. "That includes talking with Cillian about your potential stalker," she told you and, just as you approached the hospital entrance, the black Mercedes pulled up as well. 

"This is ridiculous. I am going to confront this woman," you declared, breaking away from Lucy to stride towards the parked car but Lucy stopped you. 

"No, you won't! It could make things worse," Lucy warned, grabbing your arm to stop you. 

You paused, considering her words. "You have a point," you said, taking a deep breath. 

"Talk to Cillian about it and let him deal with his crazy ass wife," Lucy told you. She knew how dangerous Danielle could be as well after having read her medical files and knowing about the threats she had made against you and Cillian.

"I will talk to him tonight," you assured Lucy, making up your mind but, just as you walked into the hospital's reception area, you were met with yet another surprise as Max was standing there, seemingly waiting for you.

"Max!" you exclaimed, your heart sinking to the bottom of your stomach as you saw the cold, hard look in his eyes. "What are you doing here?" you wanted to know, hoping that he wouldn't make a scene as, seemingly, he appeared somewhat intoxicated. 

Max simply stared at you for a moment, his blue eyes full of anger and hurt before he blurted out something rather inappropriate to upset you. 

"You are such a fucking home wrecker, you know that?" Max spat bitterly, with a drunken slur, causing you to wince at his unforgivable choice of words. "My father is divorcing my mother because of you!" Max snapped, jabbing a finger at you as his anger started to boil over. 

"Max, please! Not here!" you told him sternly, looking around at the people in the hospital lobby who were casting curious glances your way. "Let's go somewhere private and talk."

"Oh, of course," he chuckled drunkenly. "You don't want anyone else to hear that you fucked my fucking father," he snarled, the hurt and anger in his voice palpable.

People around you had started to stare as Max's voice had risen. You could feel the heat rising to your cheeks, the discomfort and shame building up in the pit of your stomach.

"Come with me. Now," you hissed firmly under your breath, gripping tight onto Max's forearm as you dragged him away from the prying eyes in the hospital lobby, his words stinging your heart with an unbearable pain.

You had never intended for such chaos to unfurl when you became entangled with Cillian, knowing fully that your actions carried the potential for significant collateral damage. But yet, here you were—plunged into murky waters, powerless to stem the tide of destruction.

In a small consultancy room, a few corners away from the main lobby, you closed the door behind you and spun around to face Max, whom you hadn't seen since the disastrous confrontation in Cillian's apartment.

"Max, listen to me," you began, your voice low and soothing as you tried to reason with him. "I never meant for any of this to happen. Your father and I—we never planned for any of this. We just connected and one thing led to another," you continued before Max interrupted you.

"You slept with my father! Do you know how fucked up that is?" Max said, his words slurring together. "Is that like a thing you are into? Some kind of fetish?" Max sneered, his dark eyes flashing angrily at your words. "Or did you sleep with him because he is famous? Is that it?" Max went on, unable to contain his disgust. " What the hell is wrong with you, Y/N?" Max demanded, his voice shaking with emotion.

You swallowed hard, the lump forming in your throat as you struggled to find the right words to defend yourself but nothing came out.

"This is so disgusting," Max muttered, his anger slowly giving way to sadness as he slumped down into one of the faded leather consulting chairs, staring blankly ahead as he tried to process the turn of events. "God, we used to date and now you are sleeping with my dad. How low can you get?"

You took in a sharp breath at his words, trying to find purchase in the face of his bitterness yet being unable to deny the devastating truth behind it. You couldn't explain to him the intimacy and the connection you shared with Cillian—things that went beyond sex. Things that Max was not privy to. Things that you had never experienced in your previous relationships either.

So, you decided not to divulge too much at that moment.

Instead, you opted to stand there, silent for a while, allowing Max to gather his thoughts. The atmosphere in the room had grown thick and heavy.

Finally, you took a deep breath. "You have every right to feel angry, betrayed, and confused," you began to explain. "I can assure you that what happened between your father and me was never intended. It just... well, it happened and I, uhm, I am in love with him," you admitted softly. You buried your gaze into the carpeted floor, the weight of your guilt and embarrassment making it difficult for you to face him. You could feel the temperature in the room drop significantly, as if it shares the same discomfort he felt.

"Are you fucking serious?" Max suddenly exploded, jumping up from his chair in disbelief and shock.  "He's nearly twenty years older than you, for Christ's sake!" he was almost shouting now, his words reverberating off the walls of the small room, causing you to jump in your seat. "Fuck, I know," he then said, chuckling. "You have daddy issues," he asserted before explaining himself. "Your father died and now you are fucking mine. It's like a sick fucking fantasy coming to life, isn't it?" Max said, a mixture of bitterness and disgust in his voice.

You couldn't help but feel as though he had slapped you across the face. The words he had just spoken to you were beyond cruel, and they cut you like a knife. Your whole body trembled with shock and anger, your hands shaking like a leaf.

Standing up to confront you some more, Max approached you. "So, tell me Y/N, seriously, how does it feel to have someone old enough to be your father between your legs? Does it give you a twisted sense of pleasure or fulfillment? Because, Jesus, that is some seriously twisted stuff you have going on there in your head," Max went on. "It's a shame your own father couldn't fulfill those fantasies for you before he died and you had to go after mine instead," he then added with a sarcastic snicker, the cruelty in his voice visibly increasing and, by this point, you couldn't take it anymore and lashed out and slapped him right across the cheek.

​"Enough!" you said with great emotion in your voice at the mentioning of your father. 

Max had struck a nerve with his insensitive and derogatory words ad you stared at him in disbelief. His cheek was now flushed red from the force of your slap and, for a moment, neither of you spoke, caught up in the stunned silence that hung in the air.

"I never intended to hurt you or your family, Max. I deeply regret what has happened and I am truly sorry for the pain I have caused," you told him, fighting back the tears that threatened to spill down your cheeks.

"Save it Y/N! Just know that you ruined not only mine, but also my mother's life," Max spat bitterly, his words cutting you deeply as he turned around and stormed out the room.

Hot, angry tears trailed down your cheeks as you watched him leave, your heart heavy with guilt, regret, and sadness and when Lucy came to check on you, she found you slumped over the cold steel of the examination table in the consultancy room, your body trembling with sobs, your heart shattered into a million pieces.

You didn't need to tell her what happened, Lucy could read you like an open book. She took you into her arms and held you close as you cried for the hurt you had inflicted and the relationship that could never be salvaged.

Tags:

@sunbeamseas @saint-ackerman @oatmealisweird @naxxsstuff @amanda08319 @r-m-cidnah @elysiannook @cillshot @infireddabdab @tastycakee @harrysbestiee @lilybabe22 @adalynlowell @henrywintersdearestgirl @ietss @thatgirlthatreadswattpad @ryiamarie @axionn

@heidimoreton @nela-cutie @futurecorps3 @delishen @nosebleeds-247 @thirteenis-myluckynumber @gills-lounge @hjmalmed @lost-fantasy @tiredkitten @sidechrisporn @smallsoulunknown @charqing-qing @hopefulinlove @aporiasposts @shycrybaby @me-and-your-husband @hjmalmed @lacontroller1991 @galxydefender @aporiasposts

@galxydefender @hunnibearrr @saint-ackerman @lunyyx @gentlemonsterjennie1 @ihavealotoffandomssorry @nadloves @lost-fantasy @nolucesn@mcavoy-girl @hjmalmed @bloodybagels @obeyme4life @richiesgroupie @blushykiss @tatumrileyslover @teawithsatanx @orijanko @rhaenyra4ever @xcinnamonmalfoyx @budugu @nadloves @kmc1989 @bloodybagels @obeyme4life @richiesgroupie @forgottenpeakywriter @smailaway @sophiaaguirred

[runningincircl3s]

Nothing Ever After

Noah Sebastian x Reader x Vinny Mauro

Chapter Twelve

chapter warnings: none!

team vinny we are so BACK!! happy friday, happy belated birthday to noah sebastian the man that you are and happy november! it's a week until my birthday and i'm sooo happy about the chapter that'll be coming out that day <3

also if anyone was at apocalypse fest or vin's afterparty dj set i hope you had the best time ever it looked soo fun!!! i've been torn between not wanting to check twitter because of the intense fomo but also wanting to see all the pictures and videos :)

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

You walk into the green room after lunch, carrying your laptop and camera in your arms ready to show Bryan and Matt the pictures you and Noah chose last night to post on the band’s social media accounts. However, as you walked up to the door you could hear Justin talking. You stopped where the guys couldn't see you and listened in on what they were saying.

“I don’t know who was in the hotel room next to me last night, but it sounded like they were having a great time.” Justin laughed. “I don’t think they stopped for almost four hours, I almost had to knock and tell them to shut up.”

"Really?" You heard Ryan scoff, but as he was about to say something else you walked in, greeting the guys and ignored the way Vinny was glaring at you from the couch in the corner, barely looking up from his phone. 

“Y/n! Do you have those photos ready?” Matt asked as he sat down, leaving the only space for you between him and Vinny. 

“Yep, why don’t you take a look?” You smiled, opening up your laptop and loading the edited pictures. 

“So these are the ones Noah chose last night?"

"Yep, it was a tough decision but we decided on these few."

"They look sick! I love that one with Folio in the back." He smiled, clicking through the pictures. "Could you send them to me? I’ll get them posted tonight.”

“Of course.” You said, quickly sending the pictures to your phone.

“Matt, they need you out there, somethings gone wrong with the mic.” Chris chuckled, walking into the room to get another water bottle.  “Noah’s pissed.”

“Fuck,” Matt groaned, stretching as he got up, “I better go and see what they’ve fucked up. But thanks, y/n.”

"No problem." You smiled.

As he left, Chris and Ryan shortly followed behind him, leaving you in the room with Justin, Ricky and Vinny. As the others were busy talking about something, you saw Vinny put his phone down on the table, rubbing his eyes.

“So,” you began, not bothering to look up from your phone as you spoke to him, “How's Caitlin?”

“How should I know? She went home yesterday before we went back to the hotel.” He sighed, “So you and Noah had fun last night?”

“What do you mean?” You looked over at him as he shrugged, sitting back on the couch, his legs spread as he rests his hands on his head.

“I know your room is next to Justin’s, and I saw the way you kept looking at him yesterday.” He said, “C'mon, tell me I’m wrong.”

“Vin, what happened to leaving each other alone.” You groaned, running your fingers through your hair. He smirks, seeing how frustrated you were becoming.

“Does he know?”

“Know what?” You asked. 

“About us?”

“There isn’t an us, Vinny. There wasn’t an us.”

“So I mean nothing to you? That meant nothing to you?” He raised his eyebrows.

“Vinny, I never said that.” 

“I can’t keep doing this with you.” He sighed.

“You’re the one who brought it up!” You argued, trying your best to keep your voice down and stay calm.

“And you’re the one who started it-”

“What are you two arguing about?” Angela laughs, walking into the room and dropping her bag down onto the table.

“He's being a dick, nothing new.” You hissed as you picked up your things and stormed out of the room.

“Woah,” Angela gasps, “What have you done to upset her like that?” She crosses her arms as Vin shakes his head.

“I haven’t done anything, she’s just suffering the consequences of her own actions.” He shrugged, picking his phone back up as Angela rolled her eyes and chased after you, as Rick and Justin looked at Vinny in confusion.

“Y/n? What happened?” Angela asks. Smiling softly as she found you sat on the step outside, your head in your hands. 

“Everything’s such a mess,” you frown, looking up at her, “I’ve fucked everything up with Vinny, and now I’m afraid I’m leading Noah on.” 

“Wait... Rewind, tell me what’s happened whilst I’ve not been here.” She said, sitting down beside you. 

You tell her everything, and watch as she takes it all in, putting everything together in her head as you catch her up on what's happened in the few days she's been away.

“Sounds like Vinny’s just jealous.” She states.

“But it’s my fault.” 

“No, honey, you set your boundaries and told him you only want to be casual, no strings, right? And he’s still holding on to this hope you’ll drop Noah for him, because he's mad that Noah now doesn’t have to share you with him.”

“But I don’t want Vinny to hate me,” you frown, feeling your voice begin to crack as you speak, “I really like him, I'd be more than happy to just be friends with him but I don't see that happening, do you?”

“Hey, he doesn’t hate you, y/n. I know Vin and I know for a fact he's upset but he does not hate you.” She reassured you, taking your hand in hers.

“Then how do I stop him from being upset? It's not like I can apologise, there's nothing to apologise for!”

“He’s a guy, buy him food or something- No, I’ve got an idea! Follow me!” She grins suddenly, rising to her feet.

"Angela, what are we-"

"Shh, I have a plan, okay. Trust me!"

Angela pulls you up and you follow her back inside. You follow her through the venue, to where the majority of the guys currently were for soundcheck. 

“Y/n’s going to get pizza!” Angela called out, and everyone but Ricky’s face lit up, “I’m sending her and Vin out to get it since they're not really doing anything right now, so if you wanna let her know what you’re getting…”

“What?” You furrow your eyebrows, “But I’ve only just had lunch!”

“Well we haven’t,” you hear Bryan say, “I’ll get pepperoni!”

The guys all told you their orders, and Rick said he’ll order something else in something before the show. As Angela had announced it out loud to all the guys, Vinny couldn't find a way out of this, not wanting to draw any attention to the situation they were all unaware of by causing a scene.

You were expecting the walk to the shop to be unbearable, but it was actually going pretty well. Neither of you spoke a word to each other, both too afraid of saying something wrong and starting another argument as that's all you seem to do at the moment when you're together.

“Is there any reason Rick was the only one of the guys who didn’t want pizza?” You ask, testing the waters and breaking the silence between you. 

“He hates pizza,” he said bluntly, before adding, “He’s said before that it’s his kryptonite.”

“No way, who can hate pizza?”

“Well... Rick,” he shrugs, still looking down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, “I know I’m biased because I’m Italian, but I almost fought him on the spot when I found out.”

“I can't believe it." You chuckle, before another thought came to you and you turned to look at him. "Do you ever have sauce with pizza?”

“What kind?���

“Ketchup, mayo-”

“Hell no!” He exclaimed, “That’s an actual disgrace! Mayo is bad enough alone, it makes me feel sick just thinking about it…” 

“Exactly! Thank you!” You agreed, “Bryan always eats pizza with mayo and it freaks me out.”

“He’s insane! You will never catch me eating pizza with any sauce, ever!” He chuckles, holding the door to the pizza shop open for you. 

You collect the pizzas, and you're thankful the guys decided to share so you only had to carry three boxes, whereas Vinny had to carry 4. You were also thankful it was only a short walk back to the venue, but that didn’t mean Vinny didn’t get stopped by a few passing fans asking for pictures with him, and couldn't say no.

“I’m so sorry, Vinny.” You tell him as you continue to walk back, and he looks at you in surprise. 

“For what?”

“Everything, I knew we should’ve just stayed friends but everyhting just happened so-”

“Hey,” he stopped you, “Forget about it, okay? It’s in the past. We need to spend another two and a half months together and the guys will be so confused if we’re just fighting or avoiding each other the whole time.” He smiled.

“I guess,” you frown, looking over at him, “Thank you.” 

“You don’t need to thank me y/n, it’s the mature thing to do, right? Let's put everything behind us, I just want to move on.”

“Yeah, me too.” You smile, cursing Angela because whatever her plan here was, it certainly worked. 

“Are you sure you don’t want me to take another one?” He asks, motioning to the pizza boxes

“No! You’re already carrying 4, Vin. We'll be back in a couple minutes anyway.”

To say you were happy that whatever happened between you and Vin was now resolved was an understatement, because you really loved his company. As you brought the pizzas in, Angela got the door for you two, giving you a look to say ‘I told you so’. 

“Vin you’re needed out here!” You hear Justin call out, and Vinny dumps his pizza boxes down on the table in the green room before making his way out. 

“So… I see you two haven’t killed each other. Worked things out?” She crossed her arms with a smirk as you went through each box and checked your notes app to find whose was whose. 

“I think so,” you said, “I didn’t expect him to just forgive me that easily but he did?”

“Like I told you, he doesn’t hate you, baby. He doesn’t have the ability to.” She chuckled, and some of the guys started to come into the room. 

“Ryan, this is yours and… Ruffilo’s. This is Bryan and Noah’s, that one’s Folio's and Justins, this one is Chris’, that one there’s for Matt and Jolly…”

You gave out everyone’s pizzas, and when you sat down pizza-less, Vinny noticed and shuffled over to the spot on the couch next to you. 

“Wanna share?” He asked, holding a slice out for you. You weren’t hungry, not after only having your lunch an hour ago, but you took it anyway and thanked him. 

“Got any ketchup?” You joked, a slight smirk on his lips as he looked at you in horror. 

His face lit up, telling you he had an idea, and before you knew it he was digging through a plastic bag in the corner of the room, walking back with packets of mayo and ketchup, catching the attention of the others.

“You’re not…” You couldn’t finish your sentence as he towered over you, opening the packet of ketchup and putting it on your slice of pizza. “You bitch!” You gasped, putting it back down in the box and snatching one of the packets of mayo from him, covering a slice in it and handing it out to him. 

“I will if you will.” He shrugged. 

“Vin, you can’t be serious.” 

“I’m totally serious, why? Are you scared?”

“No! Are you?” 

“Pfft! Of course not, I'm not a pussy!” He shook his head.

"Oh yeah?" You raised an eyebrow.

“How long do you reckon it’ll be until they fuck?” Ryan asked, watching the of you, and Folio and Angela both snorted, earning questionable looks off the others, especially Noah.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Motionless had just finished playing, and as it was Bryan’s day to go out and shoot some photos for Bad Omens so you stayed back in the green room. Through Motionless’s set, you and Nicholas were having a debate on whether Ricky or Vinny was taller, and you both settled on believing it was Rick- but throughout their set, and the hours leading up to it, Noah didn’t speak a word to you. You just assumed it was so nobody suspected anything after last night, but he genuinely seemed pissed off. He didn’t even laugh when you made any jokes, he didn’t even bother to ask you what Matt thought of the pictures. 

It wouldn’t have bothered you so much if Angela didn’t also pick up on his behaviour. As the Bad Omens guys left to get ready to go on, she came and sat by you. 

“Someone is clearly jealous of you and Vin,” she chuckled, “It’s funny really. He has no idea does he?”

“Who has no idea of what?” You asked, repositioning yourself to sit cross legged on the couch. 

“Noah doesn’t know about you and Vin, but Vinny knows everything about you and Noah.”

“Ang, please. Vinny was only telling me to tell Noah this morning, but I don’t see why I have to.”

“Because he hasn’t spoken to you all afternoon, he’s been watching you and Vin eye fuck and he’s jealous.”

“We weren’t-”

“Girl, I saw what I saw. If Noah really meant as much to you as it seems, you would’ve realised too. Ryan certainly did.”

“What did I do?” You heard Ryan ask, setting his mask down on the table and shaking his sweaty hair. 

“Nothing.” Angela smiled, as she finished packing her makeup away, “See you guys on Friday!” 

You forgot you all had the day off tomorrow, meaning another night in a hotel bed instead of the tour bus, and you were grateful. 

“Update!” You heard Vin say, and as you turned around you saw the dreaded sight of Ricky with his camera, and you got up ready to flee, “We literally just got off stage, I went nuts out there, we all went nuts out there... I think I need a shower… Hey y/n, do you think I need a shower?” He was suddenly invading your personal space, his arms wrapping around you in a scarily sweaty hug, and what was left of his body paint was rubbing off on you. 

“Vincenzo I swear if you don’t let go of me right now!” You threatened, pushing him away. 

“Y/n, give me an update!” Rick smiled behind the camera. 

“Update- Is this my first update? Vin stinks, and I’m gonna beat his ass for covering me in sweaty paint!” 

“You would never!” You hear him shout from the hallway, presumably on his way to get changed. 

“Oh yeah?” You grin, quickly reaching in your bag for your deodorant and chasing him. 

“Shit!” He laughs, watching you walk into the dressing room and approach him, “I’m sorry!” 

“Oh yeah?” You smirk, ready to spray him, but he reaches out, taking your wrists in his hands, fighting you off. “Vinny!” You laugh as he tackles you.

You end up pushed up against the wall, his hands holding your wrists above your head as you can't help but giggle, ready to surrender.

“Woah!” Justin's eyes widen as he walks in, “Please tell me I’m not interrupting anything!” 

“No,” you say as you wiggle out of Vinny’s grasp, “Not at all!” 

Justin looks unsure as he looks between the two of you. 

“I’d tell you guys to get a room, but you both have one, and I’d much rather you do… Whatever this is there.” He chuckles. 

———————————————

@rumoured-whispers @collisionofyourkissmakesitsohard @lma1986 @thisbicc @dominuslunae @miss570 @miamore0570 @jilliemiw86 @itsyaboinoah

[barbex]

Happy Friday! For Fenders I'd love to see the prompt: ''i'm not in love with you.'' ''good.'' Only if you feel inspired to of course x3 Happy creating <3

Thank you for this prompt for @dadrunkwriting. This was a lot of fun to write!

---

Varric crosses out the last section he wrote yesterday. It doesn't quite work right, with fade breaches and an Herald of Andraste with a green glowing hand, dragons are just too much. Even if they're true. Maybe if he introduces them earlier on, letting the readers get used to this madness. Playing with the quill in his hand, he doesn't notice someone approaching him. 

"Varric."

He flinches and the quill goes flying and he barely catches the inkwell to stop it from shattering on the floor. "Andraste's flaming arse!" He looks up. "Fenris. What the fuck are you doing here and why are you trying to give me a heart attack?"

"It was not my intention. Not yet." 

The dry wit is so familiar that Varric gets hit with an intense bout of homesickness. What he wouldn't give to go back in time and sit at the Hanged Man again with Hawke, Merril, and Isabela, with Anders and Fenris. Just playing Wicked Grace, instead of running away from darkspawn and dragon attacks. With a sigh, he stands up and goes over to Fenris. "What are you doing here? Skyhold isn't exactly a favourite travel destination." 

"You wrote to me." Fenris produces a folded paper from his thick coat. It looks like it has been unfolded and folded many times. "You wrote that he is here."

"Last I heard, you two didn't exactly separate on the best terms." Snow drips from Fenris coat and a puddle forms around his boots. "You're wearing shoes!"

Fenris frowns at him. "I'm not an idiot." 

"I know. Always been too intelligent for your own good. Take all that stuff off and sit here by the fire to warm up." Varric picks up a woollen blanket and drapes it over the stuffed chair. "Make yourself comfortable, I'll go get him." 

"Do I not have to kneel in front of his throne?" Fenris' voice has that hard edge he remembers from his first year in Kirkwall. Angry suspicion laced with fear.

Varric stops at the door and turns around. "Really? You think that's how he would act? Don't make me rethink your intelligence." He walks out, closing the door quickly behind him before the cold can creep into the room. He hurries over to the infirmary, slipping into the main hut. There, under several lanterns, the Herald of Andraste kneels in front of a child, healing magic glowing in his hand as he heals an injured foot. 

"There, that feels better, doesn't it?"

"Yes, thank you, Herald."

Shaking his head, he brushes over the boy's head. "Don't call me that, just call me Anders." 

Behind Varric, the door slams shut. Before he can say anything, Fenris storms past him, stopping just in front of Anders, pointing his finger at him. "You!"

Anders looks up at him with icy calm. "You're scaring my patient." 

Fenris looks at the boy and takes a step back. "I apologise."

With a little flair, Anders pulls a hard candy from his pocket and hands it to the boy. "Go back to your sister now. Come see me again tomorrow, alright?"

The boy looks at Fenris and then quickly looks back at Anders. "Thank you, Healer Anders."

The boy leaves and Varric wonders if he should follow him or if he should stay to stop these two from killing each other. It would certainly give him great material for his next book.

Anders slowly stands up, flinching as he straightens his knees. "Hello, Fenris."

Glaring at him, Fenris' gauntlets creak as he clenches his fists. "You left."

"Yes." Anders wipes over his robe. "I'm flattered you noticed. I didn't think you would care."

"Why wouldn't I?" 

For a moment, Anders' eyes light up in blue. "Because you couldn't wait to be rid of me. Just because Hawke told you to get me away from Kirkwall, doesn't mean you had any desire to keep me around."

"You know that is not true." Fenris' voice is low, dangerously low.

And of course, Anders has no sense of self preservation. "It isn't? You've made your point quite clear, how did you say it? I should be ashamed for my misplaced sense of righteousness causing wars and suffering." He tries to get past Fenris, but he grabs his arm and glares at him.

"I tried to keep you safe."

"As if," Anders snarls, shaking off Fenris' grip. "Just think, I almost exploded at the conclave, you would have been rid of me once and for all. Instead I got this shit on my hand now." He holds up his left hand with the green glowing mark.

Fenris stares at his hand and then looks at Anders. "I was not trying to get rid of you. Never."

Turning away, Anders shakes his head. "And what? You suddenly discovered your love for me?"

"I don't love you."

"Good."

The air in the room seems to go still. They both stare at each other. Just when Varric thinks he should interfere, Fenris' markings light up and blue sparks jump over Anders' arms. 

"Fuck," Anders breathes out.

In a blur of lyrium white and blue magic, they both crash like two glowing stars, kissing each other as if the world is ending. And maybe it is. 

Fenris' gaze snaps to him. "Leave, Varric." 

"Yes, yes." By the time he closes the door behind him, Anders is half naked and Fenris presses him against an empty cot. Varric takes a deep breath of clean mountain air. "I'm gonna have to rewrite the last ten chapters, at least."

[dollywheeler]

October 15th, 1996

Dear diary,

Mrs. Benson said something strange yesterday. We were taking a short walk around the neighborhood - per her doctor’s orders to get her moving again - when we passed Mike and Will’s place. It was already dark out, so the house was lit up, the lights spilling out of the many windows and the skylights over the hall. There were thin curtains pulled over the windows for privacy - which was definitely a necessity in a house like this or we’d be able to follow everything going on inside like it’s a doll house. Even like this we’d probably be able to see silhouettes moving like shadow puppets if anyone were to pass the window.

We were just walking past when Mrs. Benson’s eyes caught onto the building as well. The start of the high school basketball season managed to pull attention away from the town’s “new” arrivals, and most people’s conversations have moved on from the return of Mike Wheeler and Will Byers, so it was a bit of a surprise when Mrs. Benson mentioned it again. Just a throw-away line about how time was changing or something. I'll never understand people's weird fascination with the concept of "two young men" - seriously people keep referring to them as such as if they haven't known their names since they were toddlers - moving in together. It's like they've never heard of the concept of sharing rent.

Mrs. Benson said something about Mrs. Chatham further up the street being quite upset about Mike and Will moving into the house - apparently she'd been close to the previous owners or something, said it was a "waste of a beautiful house". I was kind of zoning out as cheer practice had been brutal but it struck me as weird. I mean I get where Mrs. Chatham was coming from - I also think it would be a beautiful home for children to grow up in - but so is her house and she's been living there alone for the last fifteen years.

Anyway, Mrs. Benson tried asking me questions about Mike and Will again but I've been very dismissive whenever anyone asks. Partially because everyone's disproportionate level of intrigue is kind of freaky, but I guess I also just don't really feel comfortable talking about them yet because they expect me to be some kind of expert when I'm clearly not. I still barely know anything, and I already felt awkward enough explaining to Dylan why I barely know Mike.

Which is another reason I'm looking forward to Friday - I talked to Mike as planned and he agreed to learn Champagne Supernova. I wonder how much more information I can get out of Mike and Will without mom around - surely they'll talk more, maybe even share some juicier college stories. I did manage to get a dinner invitation for mom as well but she'll just be coming for dinner while I'll be going home with Mike and Will straight after school. That should be a big enough window to get some secrets out of them.

I can hear dad getting up so I'll have to go up to breakfast soon. Morning cheer practice is getting redundant now I can only practice the choreo. I might go on a run instead tomorrow. I really should focus on tumbling, but I also don't want to break my promise to Mike. Especially as he has a point - it is dangerous to do it on my own. I'll have to come up with a solution.

Love, Holly

[fleshengine]

K I need to type this up somewhere, I just need to talk about it. This is definitely vent-y so enjoy this cut.

Here's the story so far.

When I was a child my mother married a man with two kids. They were my step brothers and they both have some combination of adhd/autism. They were also both particularly high needs, largely because their mother was a massive enabler and didn't let her kids learn to do things for themselves. So my mom, when confronted with the fact that she had two kids that needed a lot of support, and two kids who she had raised well enough to be fairly self governing, decided to largely neglect her own kids in favor of the louder, more needy, children of someone else. Yes I hate cuckoo birds, I'm a victim of brood parasitism.

Because I found my step brothers incredibly annoying and they were also the reason I was neglected as a child, I internalized a lot and I mean a LOT of ableism. Between the faces of adhd and autism being my cuckoobrothers and the face of depression being my older sister, I was determined to be the normal and productive and "good" child of the family. I hated them, I watched them pop pills and continue to have problems and I fantasized about being a successful engineer someday and them coming to me for money and denying them. This was in no way healthy and I am ashamed of the things I thought but in younger me's defense he was a neglected, abused, and sad little boy.

Fast forward many years, my mom has divorced the dad of the cuckoobrothers, I haven't spoken to them in years, my sister has moved out. I find myself in online spaces that open me up to the idea that I could be neurodivergent, I could have adhd, autism, depression. It takes a while but I push through my internalized ableism and one night I sit down with my mom and I talk about how much ableism I internalized from hating my ex step brothers and how it had taken me a while to work up to talking to her about it. But I told her that I thought I had adhd and/or autism and/or depression and that I wanted to talk to a doctor about it. A major step forward in the life of anyone with a problem of some kind is admitting you have it. By all rights this should've been a turning point in my life.

She told me there wasn't anything wrong with me. She told me that she felt the same way all the time and that it was normal. Nevermind that I had evidence. Nevermind that she made jokes about being autistic. Nevermind all of that. There was clearly nothing wrong with me, so the topic was dropped.

It's been years. I don't have a diagnosis for autism, or take antidepressants or really consider that I might have ADHD. I can't bring myself to think of myself in those contexts. Yes, I admit that I'm likely autistic. Yes I admit that I am depressed. I say I could have adhd but I don't know for sure. I don't joke about depression or adhd and I get livid when other people do. I just refuse to admit that it's okay in my head. I cannot reconcile my feelings and reality and the cognitive dissonance tears me apart.

I'm entering my fourth year of college, I had my first day of classes yesterday. I have barely scraped by, through the generosity and understanding of professors and faculty. I failed over 3/4 of my classes in my first year. I had to write a plea letter to be allowed to stay. I have groveled and wrestled with my own mind every day and it has barely been enough. I don't talk to my mom much, I actually sort of actively avoid her. But she called me this afternoon.

The call was actually really nice, I got caught up on her life and I did a little catch up of my own. She talked more than me and interupted me and I did a good job of not getting angry. I had a good time, we laughed about things. I was considering coming up to her place on Friday to see her and her band perform somewhere. She started talking about her current bf, how he's the kind of ADHD where he has just a couple things that he really hyperfocuses on. Then she went to contrast that with herself.

And she excitedly told me that she was getting on ADHD meds soon.

You know, I want to be happy for her I really do. You're supposed to celebrate people working on themselves. You're supposed to cheer them on. I lasted less than a minute. I reminded her of how she had shot me down when I was a kid. She brushed it off with a quick apology and started explaining how my sister had helped her come to terms with it. I told her I had to leave the call before I said something hurtful. Which was true, if I had stayed much longer I probably would've asked to go no contact again and told her that I hate her and she let me be ruined and how much better of a person I could've been if she had had more than two braincells to rub together back then. I left the call. I cried. I sent a message to my dad about it. I talked to my best friend. I wrote this.

There's still a corner of my mind that hates people who openly admit they have adhd. It sees my ex step older brother in all of them. How he would constantly blame his problems on his mental illness. How loudly he would sing that one line in AWOLNATION's Sail. My friend asks if we could make an extra stop while we're out and about to pick up their adhd meds and I hate them. My autobiographical writing prof cracks a joke about having adhd and I hate him. Someone I know blames her not having done a task on her adhd and I hate her. It's a little, hurt, angry part of my brain and I know it's wrong and I tell it it's wrong every time it comes up and I don't let its anger show through. But every time I consider that I might have adhd it hates me too.

fin, done, the end, fuck this shit

ps if my friend who needed to pick up meds sees this I love you pookie, you're a real one and please don't misinterpret me talking about how my internalized ableism manifests as me expressing hatred towards you, you're genuinely one of my best friends and you have given me a couple of the best nights of my life, as well as by far the best birthday I've had. I don't know what I'd do without you.

pps if my best friend who recently got on adhd meds and loves them sees this... yes it was incredibly hard to hear that but at the same time I was so happy for you. The pain has mostly gone and the happiness has only grown. I love you so much.

[onemaebee]

wtf, 2023.

-grandpa has a little fall friday morning, my parents take donuts and coffee over to support my gma while she decides if he needs to go to the hospital. he's a little wobbly so yes. find out he has a brain bleed from a fall a couple weeks ago where he did hit his head, and in the whirlwind that follows he is put in a medical coma and does not wake up. he does wait until only my grandma is in the room before passing (my mom was urging gma to go to the bathroom and she refused, so my mama said fine i'll go and show you it's safe). we'd discovered he had prostate cancer that spread to the rest of him last month, and he's been rapidly going downhill with dementia for the last 15 years, but thankfully he wasn't mean but instead a big kid. he had no idea who we were but was happy vibing.

-my toddler had several laughing fits at what was later revealed to be key times. he was belly laughing to tears at nothing. he only did that when my grandpa made silly faces at him-- he loved all the small children and babies and they adored him, even if neither party had any idea who the other was, lol. the consensus is that grandpa's angel was checking in on his great grandkids and doing what he loved.

-rotavirus started ravaging the household sunday night. i have never done so much laundry. missed the funeral yesterday because it hit husband, and if i spread this to my gma or any of the babies i'd never forgive myself.

-i'm actually okay emotionally, so fucking thankful he's whole again because the old pictures really drove home how Not There he was.

-the completionist (youtuber) that we've watched for over a decade and donated to his charity for dementia research and victims… hasn't donated a cent. still no resolution on that, but it's upsetting.

-the polymega console we ordered in early 2021 is going to ship????

-still sick so no thanksgiving visit to gma's and canceled on bff M coming over (first thanksgiving since divorcing her pos toxic ex)

-bff K has a boyfriend for the first time at 42, and he treats her like mr. mae treats me, and after having been her confidante for the past 4+ years as she tried online dating this is the only guy i think could be The One she ends up with. god knows she deserves it.

-i finally nailed the chex mix recipe 8)

-these homemade mashed potatoes are going to be better than the bob evan's brand, which i didn't think was possible because that's already perfection

-i got to drop off mini pb pies to the kids' friends (whose parents are kind of my friends too now woah), sent one home with gma, gave one to bff M (promised her the whole feast but at least she gets an entire pie to herself, no judgement), and still have a whole big one to dig into later

-tomorrow i get to go start on christmas shopping which is my FAVORITE eeeeee i love giving, the looks of joy on their FACES is GREAT

-tomorrow we put up the tree and it's gonna be a lil nutty with a toddler around again but it'll also be super fun

-i've got. so much erasermic new stuff saved in my phone tabs that once i have the chance to breathe it'll be THERE and i know how much joy they bring me, it's so heartening to have that waiting for me <3

i'm not as active as i want to be, barely at all tbh, but i will be eventually. things just gotta calm tf down.

who knows what 2024 is gonna bring?

[damagedintellect]

Don't mind me just rambling today

💌 Updates!!! I finally posted chapter 8 of the Dazai x reader so go read that if you've been waiting for it! Next will probably be the Atsushi fic but no promises.

I wanted to talk about "Fake It Till You Make It" Since it's been a hot minute, I HAVE NOT ABANDONED IT!

💌 Genuinely the reason I've delayed chapter 14 for so long is because I've been in the process of getting engaged for a while now. Well that and being in and out of the hospital but you know not the point

I started writing FITYMI because my significant other and I were planning on getting engaged but then Covid happened, and we've been trying to figure out rings, where he wants to propose and all of that good stuff but life stops for no one and it keeps getting pushed back *sigh* I shit you not, we went to Japan in summer of 2019 and he was going to propose in Odaiba, but the day we planned on going there an earthquake! Soooooo he decided it wasn't the right time to propose and has been trying ever since but a calamity of errors keeps happening.

LITTERALLY we just finalized the dates to go in August last Friday, but yesterday his boss contacted him saying the project he's a part of has been pushed back and now we can't go...again...

Honestly it's kinda hilarious I'm not gonna lie because of how absurd that it's happened more than once but it does mean the same intense motivation an inspiration that writing FITYMI requires has been nonexistent as of late. I have 1/4th of it written so far and it's been like pulling teeth.

So yeah not abandoned but will be a little longer for chapter 14, and like I'm aware I don't need to apologize but FITYMI is my baby and I want to publish it as a novel later down the road since it's barely a fanfic at this point

[shatterspin]

Hey, it's me again. I just re-read what I sent yesterday, and, dude (gender-neutral), I was fasting when I sent that, and I was barely awake, and it sounds like I was hating on the Arabic dub...? I mean, sure, I think they're horrible, and part of me dislikes them, but they were still my childhood.

And about the jokes thing, I get that not every single joke can be translated, but at least they can replace them as you said, or when they translate them, they should try to make it less of a mess than they end up being (like the tashkeel usually ends up wrong when they translate everything literally, and you'll have me, kinda likes e3rab, being like, "No, that should be mansoob, it's maf3ool behe?")

It's been a long time since I watched Zane's Sacrifice in Arabic, but I remember little me found it really funny (on an unrelated note, I have a cousin called Zain, and I hated him, so that might have contributed). With Garmadon getting possessed, his screams were... well, I found them funny. It sounded more like he was pooping than getting possessed.

I watched Ninjago on CN Arabic. I don't remember that much of it since I was little (again, I was about 4-5 when it started, and I started watching it on CN MENA in English when I was about 11; I'm almost 17 rn), and I asked my little siblings about it, and they barely remember anything. But I remember most of what @localguy2 said. I don't think they aired the pilots as I didn't know about their existence recently. CN was obsessed with replaying the same episodes over and over again. They also skipped many parts in the episode itself (like any romantic parts), and they ended up cutting some other parts of the episode, where it got confusing. But I do remember S1's finale airing, like I vividly remember watching Wu get out of the Devourer, sipping his tea, when I was little, so I think @/localguy2 just missed it or something. Which just reminded me of another thing. CN Arabic was so inconsistent with its timings. Like let's say, they would air Ninjago from Sunday to Thursday at 5pm. They would randomly decide to put the new episodes on 1 pm on a Friday, and they'd repeat the old episodes between Sunday-Thursday. So, even without CN itself skipping episodes, we already lost many episodes because of that, and catching up with the plot was practically impossible. I don't think I ever watched SoG on CN Arabic, so I either missed the episode, or for some reason, CN decided not to air that one. And wait, DotD got released in Arabic? I never saw it, and I was so confused how Cole was human again. But I never watched DotD in Arabic.

As of Hunted, I switched to watching Ninjago on CN MENA where they air the episodes in English. They still have the thing where they cut out "romantic" scenes and other stuff (for example, in Crystallized, you know the scene where Harumi is getting the Overlord back? They skipped the whole thing. Like you had Lloyd begging Harumi to be good or something idr, and one second later, the Overlord was walking towards Lloyd). They still skip some episodes (not sure if that happened with Ninjago there, but it's currently happening to Monkie Kid). I recently watched some Ninjago on MBC3 (in Arabic obv because I was bored and they were there, so yk?), and I think they're doing a better job than CN Arabic.

Anywayyy, I should probably go back to sleep; I woke up for su7oor, and I ended up typing my whole life story... sorry

ah it’s okay to be a bit mean to such things

i get what u mean abt the jokes thing needing to sound properly but the fact that ur even MENTIONING e3raab to me should be illegal. i already graduated i should not be subjected to thinking about e3raab anymore 😭😭

mbc3 and CNa had unusual rerun times and it was always a mess trying to figure out when the rerun of an episode of a show would air and would require watching the channel for so long (oh the days of me trying to find out when son//ic x reruns were on mbc3 bc they used to show the new episodes when i couldn’t watch tv (i still remember that it’s reruns were at 3 am 😭)) so some of tkose repeating episodes could’ve been the reruns.

even on netflix when i was looking thru the arabic dub for double trouble they just cut the whole scene between nya n bizarro jay which i thought was weird of netflix but i guess that’s just because these episodes were the ones that were shown on TV. but i remember seeing a video on youtube abt the cut off lmk really weird and random scenes off?? i get the whole thing abt the arab world and not showing kids any sort of pda but they used to sometimes allow non-pda but still implied things thru? the cut offs r more lenient these days but they’re still extremely weird and very obvious. i remember spacetoon used to rewrite scenes and edit the scenes so heavily just to not let any romance plot thru, it usually just made them funnier but kids wouldn’t notice much of a difference

[mtndewpitchblack]

if you see this no the FUCK you don't but having said that. no reblogs vent under readmore

IF AT ANY POINT YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN PARSE THE IDENTITIES OF ANY FOLLOWING SUBJECT ALIASES [3, 4, 5, 5², 5³, 5⁴, 5⁵, 7] EXIT THE READMORE!!!!

It feels like all of my friends are so busy right now. Everyone I know and hang out with has something else going on, and it's not their fault. I can't blame them, life is busy! I get that! It just feels, really strongly, like they're all finding time for things, though. Just not me. [7] and [5] are busy as hell obviously but it turns out they, well, at least [7], is hanging out with [5²] despite saying that [7] and I would hang out like last week :(. And I tried this weekend and [7] was, again, busy, after I canceled plans with [5³]

post canceled i just need friends with not 5 letter names

post uncanceled. anyways i canceled rave plans with [5³] bc i just had a long emotional conversation with [5²] and even THEN i felt like I was ignoring the stuff I felt and wanted to say just to make [5²] feel better AGAIN. because it's not like I've been doing everything I can to make other people feel better for the last like 5 years of my overactive guilty conscience!!! but I had to make [5²] feel better, of course, because IM not the most hurt one here, but then, it turns out [5²] was JUST HANGING OUT WITH [7]!!! IVE BEEN TRYING!!!!!!!! [7] HAD [5²] HELPING [7] CLEAN [7] APARTMENT!!! LIKE I HAVWNT BEEN TRYING TO TEXT THE GC FOR TWO WEEKS TRYING TO SEE [7+5]!!!! [5] isn't even replying anymore, and I KNOW [5] is busy but fuck ME if it doesn't seem like it's just ME Specifically Getting Ignored!!! I shouldn't have to text [5] individually just to get some kind of response (note I have not actually done that yet. If [5] is ignoring me for some reason that's HIS thing to navigate.) but like. three years or so. I've been trying to be helpful and nice amd funny and interesting and trying so hard not to talk too much about my interests because I've already made [7, 5²] involve themselves in my interests a fuck ton as it is, and [5] doesn't always do well with recommendations, which I have been trying so hard not to take personally because I know [5] doesn't mean it!!

Anyways I canceled the plans with [5³] to relax and not break down and because I also was supposed to hang out with [5⁴] and either watch my fav movie, a new show [5⁴] showed me, or I'd get to show [5⁴] one of the abandoned buildings nearby, which are all activities that LITERALLY MEAN THE WORLD TO ME!!! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FRIDAY then. [5⁴] wasn't feeling good. so we raincheck for sat. Well now, it's sat, and [5⁴] has to go home to visit [5⁴] family, so we put it off for Sunday, and then it's Sunday, and [5⁴] gets back, barely texts about how [5⁴] water just got shut off and how there's an errand [5⁴] has to run, then about how "I'm sorry I'm so exhausted" which I GET bc it's your PARENTS HOUSE trust me brother i understand. so i try to reach out to literally any of my friends that I'm pretty sure might have time. See previous for results on this test with [7]. I didn't text [5, 5², 5³] or [5⁴], bc [5] isn't responding, I canceled with [5³], i still need time and space IRT [5²], and [5⁴] obviously canceled on me three days in a row which means [5⁴] MAY have lied about not being tired of me. But it turns out [3] was busy, and doesn't really ask me to clarify much on what I'm upset about, and ofc I'm not reaching out to mom and dad about this shit, and [5⁵+4] were supposed to play minecraft with me like ALL WEEKEND AND [4] kept canceling because of his late ass work shifts (ENTIRELY JUSTIFIED) and [5⁵] was barely on, bored, and isolated the whole time, and that was only like, Saturday, the only day anybody beyond myself alone played!! [5⁵+4] aren't even replying in our group chat sometimes!!! [5⁵] was just sitting AFK in the nether all day yesterday which means he was ONLINE SOMETIME BEFORE I GOT ON AND DIDNT TELL ANYONE DESPITE ME AAKING IN THE GROUPCHAT IF ANYONE WANTED TO PLAY YESTERDAY!!!! This shit is why losing friends always hurts me so goddamn much, because it seems like no matter how long it takes someone always eventually decides I'm too much and they start to step away. And what am I supposed to do, bring it up? Get my attention back out of guilt?? What kind of fucking egomaniac would I have to beeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! And sure there's inevitably a healthy way to communicate this stuff, but if they're BUSY I don't want to BOTHER them and if they're IGNORING ME then it doesn't MATTWR WHAT I SAY I GUESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[potatoes83]

Slice of life...

Took my mom to her second chemo appointment today. Besides being supportive, seeing the process also helps me utilize the analytical part of my brain, instead of merely the emotional one that has been silently screaming for over a month. I don't know exactly what all does what, but learned quite a bit today. I know she had seven bags in all, 5 medications, two primaries, I think they called them? Apparently going every two weeks is very aggressive, and see that's the thing, when you say something like that, or this many lesions, or the mass is this many centimeters, I have no frame of reference. I don't know if that's good or bad. And for the love of God, don't Google that shit. Boy howdy was that something I should not have done.

Point being, she is on very aggressive chemo, because the mass is quite large and has grown quickly, and the lesions where it has spread to are plentiful and problematic. It's bad. Not insurmountable, not untreatable, and every day there are better and better advancements in this sort of thing, but this is definitely bad. And I'm really not sitting here all doom and gloom, but as I've said before, I can't sit here and just say that it's going to be okay. Because I don't know that. Because this thing is too big right now. I can't see around the other side of it yet. I am deeply convicted in my faith, but I have to take this thing as it comes in little waves. I cannot yet latch onto a broad form statement of whether it's going to be okay or not. Too soon to tell, as they say. But she has a bunch of very good doctors, and they are all being aggressive as hell to treat this, and she has no intention of giving up, so given the circumstances, you really can't ask for much more than that. And there's a whole awful lot of people pulling for her, praying for her, you name it.

I gave her the prayer blanket from our Parish today as we were on the way up for treatment, and although not of our specific denomination of Christian faith, she really really appreciated it. It is a beautiful ministry. So it's something for her to take with her, put over her lap if she gets cold, wrap her hands in it, whatever. It helped being there today. Just seeing how it all works, even though the vast majority of the time is just sitting there and chatting while the bags go drip drip drip. The place is comfortable enough, the people are very kind and friendly, there's lots of windows to let in the light, I mean given the circumstances, it's about as good as it can be really.

My schedule is completely shithoused now, because if I worked as I did yesterday, and then I'm off today, well obviously that means today must be saturday. Which means tomorrow is sunday, which means that I don't have to go to work, except I have it on good authority that is in fact not the case. Not only do I have to go to work, but there's a work Christmas party tomorrow for the department, and a work Christmas party on friday. And given the circumstances, I still really don't feel like it. I don't want to smile and talk and make a speech, I'd rather just be left alone in my office so I can curl up in a little ball in the corner. That is unfortunately not an option, but I am downright dreading having to go to these parties and put it on.

But we do what we must. And today was good and helpful. It was really nice just spending time with my mom, just bullshitting about this that and the other. And seeing her looking normal. Again, no frame of reference, I don't know if she's sitting there wrapped in a blanket freezing and miserable, throwing up every 5 minutes, laying there barely conscious with tubes hanging out of her, I have no idea what this whole chemo business is supposed to look like. So the fact that she's just sitting there in a comfy chair while we're laughing about days gone by, that was a good thing. It was a good day. And of course, always accepting prayers, because you can never have too many. It's something I really need to do more of myself. 🥔

[purplesurveys]

1780

When was the last time someone admitted to having somewhat of an attraction to you? Few months ago when some dude in Malaysia hit on me and also tried to use this cheesy pickup line which was tbh adorable but I just wasn't looking for anything so I turned him down.

If people hit on you semi-often, what race tends to hit on you the most? Eh that never happens to me.

Have you ever had an experience with ghosts or angels? If you have, explain: No and I don't believe in either anyway, so...

How has the summer been treating you thus far? June was fantastic; I went on back-to-back overseas trips and it was incredibly refreshing to have a month where I spent more time off than at work. The rest of it is an autopilot blur because I spent the rest of it working, lol. I can barely remember what happened in July.

What was the last wedding you went to like? Any pictures you’d like to post? I haven't been to a wedding since my aunt and uncle's in 2007. None of my friends are married, and the people I know who have since gotten married I'm not even close with so I've never gotten invited to theirs.

Was yesterday an exhausting and busy day? It actually was my most exhausting day of the week. It left me so tired I don't even know how I managed to drive home lol, I just wanted to close my eyes and pass out the whole ride.

Have you ever choked on food before? Not on food but on liquids and my own spit in the past, yeah.

Do you ever make awkward eye contact with people at restaurants? I wouldn't call those instances awkward. Sometimes I just meet eyes with strangers and that's all there is to it. I just look away as quick as I can so that they don't think I'm staring.

How often do random numbers call your cell phone? I wanna say 2-3 times a month because we're apparently doing a crap job addressing the whole thing about scammers and them having a hold of literally everyone's numbers.

Can you just go with the flow, or do you like control? I like an overall structure, but it's nice to have a bit of freedom within that structure. That said I definitely am not nearly as anal as I used to be and enjoying going with the flow is probably the biggest change I've undertaken in the last three years.

Is your internet connection slow? It is and it has been SO SHITTY the last 2.5 weeks. Our internet service provider is shit shit shit shit SHIT. I've been going to the office for 2.5 weeks now because I can't stand the slow service lmao; they also keep saying they'll bring someone in to fix whatever the fuck problem is happening but they've been saying that for the last couple of weeks and no one ever comes.

Have you ever unblocked someone that you blocked before? Yep.

Do you like to eat fruit salad? No that sounds like the worst punishment ever.

Can you take naps, or does it make you feel horrible? I can, but I don't. My free time is very rare and I always see sleep as a waste of time, even though I know I shouldn't... but idk, I guess I've always been a "I'll sleep when I'm dead" kind of person.

Do you know anyone who can’t swallow pills? I don't think so! I mean I have my moments where the damn pill just won't go down and the water makes me nauseous already LOL, but for the most part it's not a cause for concern with me.

When was your last uneventful day? That would be last Friday and Saturday – I had a fever then and both days were entirely spent on the couch recovering. I didn't want to risk getting up and doing stuff and possibly making my fever even higher.

Does your ex have a reason to hate you? Yes.

What annoys you the most about people? This is speaking only on the side of Filipino culture but I hate the culture of aggressive bargaining and find it embarrassing. Like the seller you're haggling is making a lot less than you are; if she says a top is 700 just pay the damn 700 lol. I'm FOR SURE in the minority here but I just don't like the idea of pressuring people, especially because I know I would hate it if I'm being forced to lower down prices that I set hahaha.

Don’t you hate how cameras are almost everywhere in public now? I don't find it a problem and it actually makes me feel safer.

Has anyone slapped you across the face before? If so, why? Yeah. Fuck if I know. I haven't talked to him in like five years.

How long have you been on the computer today? I want to say a little over 6 hours.

Did you know that a large fry at McDonald’s contains 500 calories? No but tbh I don't care. I know what I'm signing up for whenever I eat fast food, lol.

Do you find it hard to truly trust people? I trust my friends; it's a question mark for everyone else. I want to remain guarded, especially with how unsafe or sketchy the outside can get.

Do you prefer to have more or less in common with your siginificant other? Less is always more fun, as long as it's the little things – like me liking wrestling and my SO not understanding it one bit. It's a mess waiting to unravel if you have nothing in common with the fundamental items, like religion or wanting to have kids.

Why do you think people care so much about looks? Doesn't it just simply boil down to society and media and what we think society and media tell us to do?

What do you do when there’s a question in a survey that you don’t want to answer? I just delete it altogether or give a noncommittal answer.

Do you hate the last guy/girl you had a thing with? I did. I'm just calm now.

Have you ever taken a survey so long it bored you? Yes.

How easy was it to get over the person you last dated? 7 months, to my own surprise.

Do you allow people to ask you questions? Sure.

Would you take a shot of heroin for a million dollars? No.

Why don’t you talk to your ex anymore? I don't need to and I don't want to.

[flydotnet]

Répondez, s'il-vous-plaît (it's a fanfic in English don't flee)

WHUMPTOBER 2023 DAY 10: “Can’t you see that you’re lost without me?” Broken Phone | Stranded | “You said you'd never leave.”

Up until yesterday, I had no idea what I'd write for this day. We're a third in and some days do have prompts that boggle my mind.

Fortunately, I got out of there by going to Paris on Friday, seeing good ol' Prism, and wow actually I know what characters I'm gonna use for this oneshot! Thanks Prismou!

Don't look into the actual context around this scene too hard. Like for "Egg Basket" from June, it's in reference to a yet-unpublished piece of fanfiction I've been working on with friends. We still can't release any concrete info about it, so for now, you'll have to do with Vague Setting That's Clearly French.

I'm a bit cheeky about it, though, I'll admit, since I purposefully gave this fic a French title to allude to the fact this is set in France with mostly French characters who speak French among themselves. What's funny is that I've never seen "RSVP" in anything ever in my daily life, only "je vous prie de bien vouloir répondre". Maybe it's one of those Parisian sayings I don't get. I just thought it really fit the fic.

------------------------------

Répondez, s'il-vous-plaît

Summary: répondez s'il-vous-plaît (RSVP): French for please reply. Though francophones may use more usually "prière de répondre" or "je vous prie de bien vouloir répondre", it is common enough.

Everyone has their issues, and sometimes, it's bound to bubble up to the surface. JB and Maxine just… didn't plan on finding out their friend's the way they did.

Fandom: Captain Tsubasa (with a good dose of universe mixing and OC/Canon!)

Word Count: 1K words

AO3 version available here.

------------------------------

Today was supposed to be one of those innocuous days where her best friends aren’t playing soccer for a living for a couple weeks, where they just spend the day together talking about whatever and doing what friends do: hang out, drink, eat, walk, pet a dog, pet a horse. Whatever Maxine was meaning for it to be, it wasn’t playing nursemaid.

Instead, it’s turned into a shitshow and she doesn’t know where to direct the anger that’s swelled inside of her. Maybe it isn’t even anger, who knows. It could be frustration, it could be disappointment – all she knows is that, whatever it is, it’s drowning in slimy concern.

She should’ve known something was afoul when Yuzo wasn’t responding to her text messages. He’s usually so uptight about responding to her in time, he’d have had apologized for responding as little as half an hour later, to some of the most useless stuff possible. This man would apologize for not giving his seat in the subway to a barely-showing pregnant woman because he couldn’t actually stand on his right foot, courtesy of a practice mishap.

All in all, Maxine was expecting something iffy by the time JB and she concluded they both didn’t have news from their pal – and she wishes it was just him oversleeping on his day off, or having forgotten to respond by misplacing his phone somewhere, or some other stupid explanation that wasn’t… that.

When JB and she arrived here, they were greeted by a door left open, if just barely, and a passed-out Yuzo hanging on the floor of his own kitchenette. Most odd was that he was dressed to go outside and had in fact not even taken off his coat nor his scarf, not even his beanie, which was still on his head. On the counter, barely put there, was what clearly was a doctor’s notice with a medicine list.

Unfortunately, doctors speak a language only pharmacists can decode, and neither JB nor Maxine is one. She only knows the names of horse medicine and ketamine isn’t going to help Yuzo – at least, not to rise back to his feet, because God knows it can help with other issues.

“Max, what’s happening to him?” JB asks, downright panicked.

This happens to be how she realizes she’s never explained shit to him and instead just sent him on a wild goose chase for the nearest pharmacy.

“I’m not entirely sure, to be honest, but I think it’s, uh…” She sighs. “How did you even make yourself so sick to begin with, you idiot…?”

“It’s my fault, I’m sure of it.”

“Why would it be?”

JB is the kindest man alive on Earth, but this is stupid.

“I was the one who had the flu first! I must’ve given it to Yuzo and now he’s…” he points at the man on the sofa, “like that!””

“JB, you’re not the sole cause why Yuzo’s like this, I’m certain of that. You were nowhere near as bad as that.” She slowly inserts a thermometer inside his mouth as she speaks, cradling his head with her other hand. “Maybe he’s not used to our European bugs yet. He’s not been here for that long, after all.”

“Maybe I should’ve been more cautious?” There he is, freaking out again. “Maybe if I had worn a mask, or told him not to come inside, he’d be—”

“JB, he was going to catch something eventually. We all have caught something on the subway or the RER. Stop worrying about how he got it, it’s not going to serve much use.” She takes the thermometer out and cusses as soon as the number comes into view. “Shit.”

“It’s bad?”

Maxine glances back at Yuzo. He’s frowning in a fitful sleep, everything about him soaking in sweat and what may be tears, his skin white as his blanket and yet so bright where it’s concerning.

“It’s bad-bad. His fever’s over forty.”

She puts the thermometer back where it came from: the mess of things JB found at the foot of the sofa when they came in.

“What?! That’s…”

“I’m gonna get a bucket and some water, he—”

As Maxine gets up, she feels a grip on her forearm that makes her stop dead in her tracks. The grip isn’t very strong, far from it, but it’s vicious: now staring at her, or trying his hardest to at least, is Yuzo, whose half-open eyes with unfocused irises are freezing her blood in place.

He’s trying to tell her something, as far as she can tell, but it’s gibberish to her. She can’t even tell if it’s her Japanese that’s not good enough to understand it (and it wouldn’t surprise her) or if Yuzo really is incoherent in his speech. All she can tell is that he’s calling out to… someone. First it was his mother, but then, it sounded like names Maxine had never heard about.

“JB, can you get the bucket of water and a washcloth, please?” She asks as she lowers back to her boyfriend’s level. “I’m afraid of what would happen if I left him.”

“I’m on it!”

“Thanks a lot,” she tells her best friend before focusing back on their shared companion. “What were you trying to tell me, honey…?”

Unfortunately, she gets no response from him as he slips back into his fitful sleep.

----------------------------

It takes around thirty minutes before, at long last, Yuzo reemerges from whatever hell of the mind he was stuck in. It’s clear as soon as she can actually see something in his eyes, not just haze and a sort of desperate plea.

“Ah, you’re awake!” JB says as he rushes to the sofa, the bag of medicine in hand.

Yuzo flinches at the noise, gritting his teeth.

“I think you’re too loud, his head must hurt.”

“Ah, crap! Sorry, pal!”

Maxine can’t help but sigh with fondness, then focus back on their patient.

“How are you feeling?”

“Hurts,” he replies in Japanese, and that’s how Maxine can interpret it.

“What’s he saying?”

She lifts her eyes to JB, who looks discernibly worried out of his skin, rubbing his arms for warmth.

“He isn’t feeling too good, from what I can tell. It’d be more obvious if he spoke French, but it’s not a surprise he’s fallen back to Japanese.”

“Yeah, true…”

It seems as if even hearing this conversation has awaken something in their friend, whose arms barely manage to lift him up.

“Maxine…?” His voice is hoarse, his barking cough sounds wet. “What’re you doing here…?”

Both JB and she let out a sigh of relief.

“Okay, good, you can actually speak coherent French! That means you’re doing better.”

“What happened, I’m… confused?”

JB runs to her side, smiling a little – no doubt from relief.

“Sorry for that, pal! We found you passed out on your floor earlier. You really worried us, you know?”

Yuzo looks like he’s trying to solve an equation with two unknowns on the fly to very mixed results.

“I don’t know what the doctor diagnosed you with, Yuzo, but it must be terrible. Do you mind if I take your temperature?”

“N-no, go for it.”

They all stand in silence as she does. It takes longer than the first time, and despite how heavy it makes the air as a result, it’s somewhat reassuring. Eventually, it beeps again, and this time, Maxine’s eyes don’t bulge out of their sockets.

“Thirty-eight point nine,” she announces. “It’s not good by any means, but it’s better than before, that’s for sure.”

Yuzo stares at her with

“Hang on, Max! We’ve still got all that stuff!”

As she stares at the bag in JB’s hands, she feels utterly stupid.

“Oh, snap, you’re right.”

It only takes them a couple minutes to get a couple of pills inside Yuzo, who doesn’t even protest – his throat does, but he doesn’t. In the meantime, she observes him, watches the colour on his face slowly come back even if he remains ashen pale compared to usual anyway.

She has questions swirling through her mind, some dating from before today and some so fresh they still feel crispy. She waits to ask them, sits through JB making sure his friend isn’t going to lose consciousness again. For a second, she wonders if he knows, so less puzzled yet just as heartbroken as she was earlier.

“Hey, Yuzo… Can I ask you something?” She eventually says.

He looks back at her

“Earlier, when your fever spiked, you said some things out loud.” Her eyes harden. “I doubt you remember much from it, but I still wanted to ask: do you know what you could’ve said? I think you were talking in Japanese.”

He takes time to process. Jesus, Maxine, you know he’s already struggling with French and a fever, don’t make both harder on him.

“It… depends. I was deep in a dream, I think.”

“You clutched Max’s arm and told her stuff as you cried,” JB adds.

Yuzo changes faces immediately, losing all confidence.

“Oh… I know what I must’ve said.” He takes a pause, gets a coughing fit out (she hands him a glass of water as soon as it’s done). “You said… You said you’d never leave me.” He gulps. “At least, I’m pretty sure that’s what I said.”

“Do you know who you were saying that?”

“My mother… presumably.”

He doesn’t sound sure, but it doesn’t prevent JB from wanting confirmation, even if his face is hesitant.

“You said that to your… mom?”

“I don’t see anyone else I could’ve asked in my sleep…”

“Not even one of your friends or teammates?”

Maxine prefers to make sure because, come to think of it, she’s been dating this man for months and he’s never told her about his family. Every time she asked, he recoiled and she dropped the topic entirely. Which means…

“No, I’ve never been ill in front of them.”

“It’s normal to call out to your mom when you’re sick, though, I do it all the time,” JB continues. “So why do you look so… uneasy?”

In front of them, Yuzo rolls back inside himself, shoulders rounded like a hedgehog protecting himself. It’s bizarre to witness.

“It’s… I’ve never gotten along with my parents.” Despite his hoarse voice, he sounds clear as day, suddenly. “They’ve always held more interest within my brothers.”

“You have siblings?”

This is the first time Maxine hears about potential in-laws.

“Two brothers. One older, one younger. Engineer, doctor.” He shivers. “I wanted to be a soccer player. It didn’t make them happy.”

She doesn’t like where it’s going. Don’t tell her they…

“So when any of us would get sick, it was first them, and then me. I think they didn’t really want me to be born, but they still raised me.”

Her blood is boiling. Who are those people? How can you be so cruel? How could they’ve given the world such a sweet man…?

JB and Maxine are staring at each other, speechless.

“It’s fine, it’s just… How I was raised,” Yuzo continues to try and justify. “

“Actually, uhm… That’s just…”

JB is struggling to find his wording, fretting again (and who can blame him, that’s quite the unexpected package to drop onto their lap); so Maxine, like the good ol’ pal she is, takes the helm once more.

“Can I be very blunt about that?”

“Yes…?”

She’s sorry, she really is, especially since he looks so troubled, trembling from head to toes and hair risen on his arms; but it must be said. It must be done.

“Fuck your parents and fuck your brothers while I’m at it. They should’ve taken care of you before it got this bad.” She gets JB closer to her. “And neither of us is gonna let you down like they gave up on you.”

“It’s…” Tears prickle at his eyes. “Thank you…”

“It’s no big deal!”

“Just tell us when you’re ill, though. I’d rather not have that scare again!”

“I promise.”

She cups his face again, relief finally coming back to her.

“Now, you should get some rest. JB and I will stay here, don’t worry.”

“Actually, I need to get my sleepover stuff…”

“Well, at least one of us will be here at all times,” Maxine chuckles. “Unless you want us both?”

“No, no, it’s fine,” he replies with a bit of a cough stuck in his throat. “It’s already a lot. Thank you very much.”

[ccorrosion]

rambling abt a major step I took to heal a part of me I didn't know needed fixing// posting more for myself to document and look back on because I'm obsessed with the way my eyes just opened up and how much better I already feel

so otakon last week was a major bust for me for a few ones but most predominantly an insecurity/trauma(?) (I don't like to use the word lightly) took over starting Friday which made me a little crabby and largely on Saturday where I spent the entire day shutting down, dissociating, and isolating despite being at a convention I'd been looking forward to all year in the costume I worked the hardest on. I spent the day separated from my boyfriend so that I could roam around the con in a bad mood by myself for 3-4 hours.

it wasn't his fault and not his problem to fix, but some of the small talk we had and (this is really stupid/irrational and I KNOW it let me get through it) an anime figure he wanted to buy was really stressing me out and hitting a sore spot I didn't know was there. I was trying desperately to pull myself out of it but a ton of problems from the weekend were compounding into a shutdown I couldn't control. eventually I told him part of what was on my mind Sunday evening after the con ended and I cried over quite a few things. didn't tell him everything though, which continued to stress me out until last night.

yesterday I talked to my good friend about all of it (she was at otakon too and I only told her a little bit about at the time) and I got the validation and courage I needed to bring it up to my boyfriend. obviously I don't want to mention specifics because this is still the internet and I don't want to completely expose myself on here, besides this post is for me to look back on later. if you know me then you know it's related to how my ex decided to leave me and my issues with sex. but I talked to him about this problem for the first time in the 8 months we've been dating. the burden weighing me down that I didn't want to bring up ever because even I thought it was so stupid and irrational. and for the first time I feel like I'm not hiding anything anymore from him, and it's probably the most vulnerable and transparent I've been to both him and my previous partner.

the big thing is that it's off my chest and just saying it out loud for the first time ever crumbled the wall barely enough for me to wedge my fingers through and begin to break it down and heal. admitting it to myself was the first step. having thay breakdown at otakon was unfortunate, but for me, required, because it forced me to open my eyes and realize hello! this IS a fucking problem to me and it's NOT just going away because I don't want to acknowledge it!

and he, of course, took it well and acknowledged me and I felt like he really did understand me and what I was saying. and he has his own share of problems so he understands that /I/ know its irrational, but my brain wants to push it to the front and make it a big deal because he's the same way with other things. but I felt truly seen and heard and understood and we came up with solutions and ways that he can support me while I work through it WITHOUT me feeling like I'm trying to change who he is and control what he does. because to me that's not healing, that's causing more problems and hiding from it.

he reassured me that I'm not stupid for feeling like that and he knows where it's coming from and why I feel that way, and I also had to say one hundred million times that I'm not trying to change him, it's my problem and not his to fix, though the only way I can do that is to make him aware of what sets me off and ways he/we both can make little changes (like with wording, mindfulness, etc) to support me through it. it just means a lot to me that we're at this stage where we've both been broken but we feel safe with each other to bring things up and talk about it. I never had this before

but for future me, I hope you have your shit together 😂 I hope you've learned how to work through your body issues, your sex issues, your insecurities, your reactions to people and your boyfriend. I hope you're comfortable and still happy with him, and I hope if he has wronged you, you've tried to work through it. I hope you haven't hurt him, either, because you know you're also a bitch. i hope you still talk to your friends, and you hang out with them as much as you can. really, future me, I just want you to be happy, and I'm doing everything I can to make it happen