#buy ups online for office

[bpee123]

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[hairtusk]

hilarious to me that i intensely value the idea of marriage and am borderline obsessed with bridal fashion... but the idea of having a big wedding makes me feel genuinely unwell

[crispyliza]

You've heard of mansplaining, now get ready for: dadsplaining!

Example: you're filling out paperwork and your dad sits next to you and tells you the answers to questions like: what is your name and last name (he also helps you spell it), when is your birthday, when did you graduate high scool etc.

[sycamorestars]

Literally just need one thing to go my way

[thelastbraincell]

As a Brazilian I can confirm post office scary

insane how people think i can just do things. "can you mail me this?" and get killed by the post office desk workers?????!!!?

[areeba-paperlla]

Do you need the best diary for the new year? Come and discover Paperlla's Ultimate Diary Round-Up, where 2025 diaries shine. Start from daily planners through the craziest creative journals to find out something that develops productivity and reflects your style.

[slityclayloam]

Well I completely fucked up my car registration forms and my tax is due in two weeks!!! I have never sent a cheque in my life and now I have to send one as I fucked up so badly!!!! I didn't even know we still had cheques in the uk!!! My bank is only open for 4 hours a day!!! Where the fuck am I going to get a cheque book from in time for the car tax!!! Oh god!!!

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

shit i haven't made a print gallery compilation in like 6 months

hahaha i promise that i am! competent! at being an artist online and peddling my wares!

In any case it's been months since I've made a handy dandy gallery post to showcase the prints available in the store. with any luck, I'll be able to finish up making some new designs and releasing them in a few weeks (klingon therapist speech, italicized fanfiction oh print, etc) since work's finally let up a little. I've still got a stack of commissions to mow through but that's neither here nor there

ANYWAYS. not gonna post all of em but I'll do like maybe 10 or 12 here, dw I'll tag this with long post

The office salt trilogy: can be bought in single, 2pack, or all 3 designs

But soft, what baja through yonder window blasts?

to fuck around is human....

the benefits of being a marine biologist 3pack (although you can buy the prints individually as well on other listings)

I'VE GOT AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE

limerick rolled

FUCK YOU BALTIMORE

fuck around and find out

home of the creature

do good recklessly

somethin' wicked this way rides

art thou fuckless

[missusruin]

Last call for these before I close the listing. Have about 8 left.

sold out, thank you!

Selling leftover pin stock from this year's patreon member merch-tier for anyone interested. 👁👁👁👁👁

https://missusruin.bigcartel.com/product/eye-pin

[ozzgin]

You know, some hotels actually have a “menu” that you can buy pillows, blankets, etc. to be shipped home. So you know what that means 😉

This hotel monster fucking talk now has me thinking of another off shoot idea. A human adoption agency…😗

Need a human for emotional support, disability service support, or sexual support? Adopt one today! 🥰

-👘

P.S. Been a while since I’ve dropped by. I hope you’re doing well in life, Ozzgin!

I have reached a point where, after a particularly deranged post, I'll find myself wondering if you're going to come up with something in response. 😭 No pressure or anything, just found it funny. And I'm doing well! Hope the same goes for you, anon.

Imagine showing up for a photo shoot, thinking it must be for some fashion magazine or online ad. The agent on the street who hurried you inside barely gave you any details, but promised it’s nothing shady. You were much too flattered to be scouted like that, and much too eager to see the promised payment to consider the logistics of it.

You didn’t expect, however, to appear in a shopping catalog for monsters as some sort of household pet to be permanently adopted.

The adoption agency, similarly, didn’t expect the ridiculous demand for you. Phone calls, emails, monsters showing up at their office, all demanding to purchase you.

They have to go for a bidding system, shoving you onto a stage, into the blinding spotlight. You can only stand, fidget, and observe helplessly. One tentacle is raised, and a price is stated. Another clawed hand outbids it.

Who will be your monster at the end of the night?

[realcube]

HQ MEN AS YOUR BOSS ...with chemistry pt2

characters ♡ kuroo, atsumu, sakusa & ushijima

tws/tags ♡ vaginal, semi-public sex // recording, slight daddy kink // oral (receiving) // size kink — minors dni!

part one ♡ sfw version

♡ KUROO

as a chief sports promotor, of course kuroo needs a secretary, but the jva says he'll need to pay for one out of his own wage. he's apprehensive about the idea at first but figures that with the time he'll save by having one, the profit would be greater than the loss. and once he meets you, he's automatically sold.

although he may have have been wrong about the whole 'profit greater than loss' thing, he's definitely losing a bit of money by having you as a secretary. not of your performance or anything — no, you're an incredibly effective worker and are increasing engagement by tenfolds — but rather, due to the fact he's dropped thousands on gifts for you.

kuroo isn't subtle about wanting you, so instead of overtly flirting with you like a lout, waiting by your desk almost everyday is a gift with a cheeky note. without fail, it is always pricey and extravagant too: diamond necklaces, luxury perfumes, designer bags and jewellery made from real gold and silver (he knows which metal you prefer, but he buys you both because you can have it all). it's a classy way of showing he cares.

one day, a random tuesday a month after you and your ex broke up, your primal desires took over, and — after two years of knowing each other — you finally decided to submit to kuroo's advances. you could do a lot worse, anyway.

and you realise that as he has you bent over his desk, in his office contructed of mainly windows. at least you had a nice view of the city skyline while he hit it from behind. with his hands starting at your waist, then exploring under blouse, he leans forward to sensually kiss from your shoulders to your neck. slowly and gentle, in stark constrast to how roughly he was nailing into you.

he keeps going until he reaches just behind your ear, then he chuckles against your flush skin, "wearing the perfume i bought, angel? smells good on you." his finger circles your clit teasingly, "i like it. gotta let everyone know whose bitch you are."

♡ ATSUMU

he doesn't give a shit about his garden, it just happened to come with the big house he bought. there could be a family of rabies-infested racoons living back there for all he cares. atsumu just saw your personal adverisement for your gardening services online and thought you were hot. thus, he made up some lie about wanting trees planted and flowers grown to get you to come over.

but once you actually arrived at his home, you were far too focussed on taming the inhospitable environment he calls a garden to even notice the passes he was making at you. eventually he just gave up and left you to your work, but not without discreetly taking photos of you from the windows in his kitchen to send to the msby jackals groupchat with the 👀 eyes emoji.

he was expecting jealousy to befall the team but instead, the jackals take notice of how intently you are working on the garden, and atsumu receives and influx of messages mocking him for showing off a girl that clearly has no interest in him and offering their houses as a solace for you. however, he promptly replies stating that even though you may seem preoccupied right now, by the end of the day, he guarantees he will have slept with you, and if he doesn't, he owes each one of them ten thousand yen.

and unfortunately for the jackals, atsumu wins that bet.

"just like that, yeah." he grunts, holding your legs against his shoulders, "cum for daddy. c'mon." his breathing is heavy while his bare chest, glistening with a sheen of sweat, heaves. he has you laying on his coffee table while he fucks into you, big cock leaving you a wet, incoherent mess. your greedy cunt clamps down on him and he can tell by your quivering legs and heightening moans that you are close to your climax.

"thats righ— wait.." his breath hitches, steady pace faltering for only a moment as he grabs his phone off the couch and swipes, onto the camera. slowly regaining power and momentum in his thusts while holding the camera above your exposed figure. he grins and slurs, "gotta record this t' send to the team n' prove i wrecked this gorgeous body. go on. keep moaning for daddy."

♡ SAKUSA

there's no better feeling than coming home to a pristine house, that's what sakusa thought. however, being pro volleyball and always training and going to promotional events hasn't left him with much time to get the cleaning done himself. he wasn't fond of the idea of someone being in his house alone when he wasn't there, but he was even less fond of coming home after a long day of training, muscles aching, and still having to vacuum.

he researched dozens of cleaning companies, until he found one that he deemed reputable enough hire from. he arrages the trial for a day he is off so he can assess the quality and trust-worthiness of the cleaner he is sent.

so perhaps it was the halo effect, but as soon as he saw you walk through his door, he knew he wouldn't have a problem with leaving you alone in his house. in fact, the idea tickled him slightly.

having a cleaner wasn't cheap, especially considering how big his house is. despite that, after he met you, he increased the frequency of cleaning visits to five days a week, making you essentially his personal staff. and it goes on like this for around five months, racking up quite hefty total.

every single penny is worth it though, in his opinion. to come home to shining floors, spotless counters and to experience the habitual fleeting moment of tension between the two of you, before you left. that all changed though when he got his first day off in months, and he was able to hang around the house while you did your usual duties.

you were sprawled out over his linen couch, one leg hooked over the armrest and the other resting on his shoulder. lips moves vigorously against your folds, while his tongues delves in and out of your dripping hole. the sizzling coil that's been winding in the base of your stomach suddenly gone stiff, ready to snap at any moment.

his merciless fingers pinch and pull at your clit, as his tongue continues to plough in and out of you, rhythm only ever wavering to lap up the juices covering your folds. that is, until the coil breaks and you come undone right against his face. your walls convulse around him and a breathy moan is pulled from you. hot liquid surges out of your pussy in squirts with each thrust of sakusa's tongue, as he fucks you through your high.

once you settle down, he finally pulls away for air. with your fluid dripping down his chin, drenching his shirt and the wooden floor beneath. slowly standing up, sakusa looks at the floor with a grimace, "clean this up."

♡ USHIJIMA

whether ushijima can cook or not is down to personal preference, but he is independant enough to know how to cook meals that are vital to a hearty and healthy diet, such as boiled eggs, oats, beef stew etc. yes his dishes may be lacking in any flavour or delectability but it's nutritious and that's what matters.

but once he is a pro volleyball player and travelling constantly, he doesn't have the time to meal prep for himself anymore and his paycheck grants him some disposable income, so what's the harm in hiring a chef?

however, once you enter his life as his personal cook, you become a luxury he can no longer live without. until now, ushijima wasn't aware eating was supposed to be enjoyable, he always viewed it as something he just at to do in order to get all his essential vitamins and minerals. who knew food could taste this good?

it was an extra benefit that you looked so good while making it, too. neither of you would ever admit it but there was always a heavy atmosphere of sexuality when you were around each other. ushijima was undoubtably stoic so his tells were subtle, but you took notice of the lingering eye-contact; how his hand would always brush past your ass when he'd walk by you in the kitchen; the way he'd stand so close to you in coversation.

it was only a matter of time before the boiling tension between you two erupted.

you sat on the kitchen counter with your legs wrapped around his torso as his big cock drilled into you. your arms were over his shoulders, nails digging into his back with your eyes sewn shut. he's a mammoth; the biggest you've ever taken. every time he pushed into you, it was as though you were going to split in half.

he could tell you were struggling, so he slipped a hand under your ass and pulled you towards him in order to whisper in your year, but during the process he ended up forcing his dick even deeper inside you, resulting in a mewl from you. he leaned down and grunted, "take it."

something about your trembling form, so delicate and supple, hardly able to fit him inside you, it drove him mad. so eager finish himself off, he picks up you up by the ass so you are hovering a couple inches off the counter, and takes full control of your movement. pressing you against his dick per his whim and matching your movements to his brutal pace.

your only response to this is a chorus of profanities, and piercing the flesh of his back with your nails. he's delighted, though, at how your pleading pussy swallows him so nicely, despite its initial protests.

[bpee123]

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[rakurairagnarok]

Destination Unknown

Jared cussed. His alarm didn't go of so now he was going to be late for work. He had just seen his tram leave right before he got to the doors.

He sat down on the bench as he grabbed his phone to call his boss to let him know he would be late. Before he could send dial he saw a tram slowly approaching him. Frowning Jared slowly gets up as he grabs his card to check in.

The tram stopped perfectly in front of him, and Jared gets on. He walks to the driver. "Ehm, excuse me, is this tram Going to the city Centre stop?"

The driver laughs mischievously and nods. "We take you to wherever you need to go."

Dumbfounded by the weird cryptic answer Jared sat down and looked around. The inside of the tram was a light pink, the seats have frilly cushions, and a faint rose scent permeates around the inside of the car. Two other guys are sitting a few rows behind Jared. Both are wearing similar clothes to him, a buttoned shirt and dress pants, but where you wore perfectly tailored clothes the other guys seemed to have washed them a bit too hot. The clothes were tight around their thick arms and their buttons were fighting for their lives.

Jared turned back around and put his headphones in. Not his fault people don't know how to buy clothes.

After a few stops Jared shifted in his seat. Grimacing he looked down to see his shirt looking a bit tighter than it was supposed to. Rubbing his stomach he felt a slightly more tense response than he was used to. He scratched chin feeling a bit of stubble, which in retrospect wasn't very surprising due to him not having time to shave in the morning.

Looking out of the window he noticed he was nearing his stop so he got up and walked to the nearest exit. Looking across the car he noticed two new guys sitting in the same spots as the two dudes that were in there before. They were very out of place in this princess pink tram. Their muscles were massive, pecs shelving, biceps bulging. They were eyeing eachother hungrily as the tram got to a stop. They looked up at you and both smiled with their perfect pearly whites.

Shuddering Jared quickly got off. He sighed as he stepped into the cold December air. While walking to his office, Jared felt his legs grind against eachother in a very uncharacteristic way. Looking down his pants seem to be hugging his legs a bit tighter than before. He brushed it off to it being do to having to leave in a hurry and shortly after got to the office.

The day went by in a blur. His colleagues congratulated him on multiple occasions on his physique, which actually got him more self-conscious than ever before, mostly due to the fact that he did not work out in the slightest. After a few hours he had enough of it and went to the bathroom to check.

As he looked into the mirror Jared was shocked to see his face more angular than he remembered. His jaw was sharp and there was a noticeable amount of scruff on his face. Looking at his body he noticed his arms tight in his shirt, similar to his legs.

"Oh... my... god..." Jared's face flushed as he noticed the obscene bulge his pants were containing.

"What is happening to me..." Jared thought out loud. His mind went into overdrive. Was it an allergic reaction? It couldn't be. He didn't have the time to eat anything he didn't before. Unless he's allergic to too much sleep that wasn't it.

The only conclusion left was...

"But that can't be..."

The tram. The weird ethereal, rose smelling, pink tram. Jared grabbed his phone and on his way back to his desk, searched online for any hits on "Pink tram transformation". The rest of his day was spend on browsing the web. At the end of the day he had finally found a hit. Apparently there was an urban legend where a pink tram will take you wherever you want in life. People would exit it changed in some way that would propel them in the right direction in life. A few warnings on the thread about people also going missing didn't seem to alarm Jared as he looked at the way to summon the pink tram. "You just have to be very adamant on going somewhere."

After going home Jared devised his plan. He had a day off tomorrow, so he had time to spare. So he would go to where no one has seemed to go before. The end of the tram.

______________________________________________________________

The next day Jared waited at the station for the next tram to arrive. He figured the best way for the tram to come would be after the regular one to have just left. After the last tram left, Jared closed his eyes and wished.

"I want to get to the end of the pink trams ride."

Like clockwork, he heard a tram approaching. He opened his eyes and saw the pink tram. Full with glee he entered the Tram. He saw the driver eyeing him up and down with a smirk.

"Welcome back"

"Thank you, there's no limit to how long I can ride this tram right?"

"No sir, we are glad to have you, please take a seat and enjoy the ride."

Jared smiled and made his way into the car. Looking around he noticed a handsome guy sitting alone and he decided to test something else. He sat down on the opposite side of the tram of the guy and looked him in the eyes.

"Hey, I'm Jared, where are you going?"

"Oh, hey, I'm Bruce, I'm just on my way to work. Funny story I missed my regular tram, but then this one showed up almost right after."

Jared grinned. "The same happened to me yesterday. Have fun!"

And with that Jared got up and walked to the back of the tram.

He kept an eye on the guy who seemed very enthralled into his phone. Slowly but surely, with each stop, Bruce's shoulders seemed to broaden out. He also seemed a bit taller and have a bit more scruff on his face, but before more could change, he got off.

Jared sighed. He wanted to have a bit more fun. Before he could linger on it though, he realized he was man spreading. He looked down. His legs, which he smartly had clad in baggy sweats, were twice the size they were before. His shirt was almost bursting at the seems with his pecs already pushing the limits of the buttons. Jared got up and ran a hand across his bulked up torso.

"This is insane! I'm massive!" Jared smiled and walked to the door, ready to get off. But the tram kept going. Not only that but it sped up. "H-hey I want to get off!" Jared yelled to the driver.

The driver got out of his cabin, slowly walking to the panicking man. "You wished to arrive at the end did you not?" The man got closer and closer. Jared's jaw dropped as he noticed the drivers physique. He was massive. Clad in leather, his muscles rippled underneath his clothes. A devilish smile appeared as he reached Jared.

"We will arrive shortly, time to speed things up a bit" The driver snapped his fingers and the Tram started to speed up more. The man smiled as the tram began shaking heavily. Each shake send a ripple through Jared's body. Every ripple pulsed his muscles bigger. His ass jiggled as it got bigger and bigger. His bulge began to strain his pants, his balls churning.

"W-wait... please." Jared moaned. He dropped to his knees, eye level with the drivers groin.

"W-who are you"

"I'm a long forgotten being, a god of pleasure and depravity. I ride this tram for my own fun, and I seem to have found my next play thing."

The man ran a hand through Jared's hair making his locks fall out, leaving a neat buzzcut. He grabbed his chin, more scruff appearing.

"By entering this tram you enter a contract with me. By exiting you fulfil it. You decided to stay on so you are now mine. Which means I get to do with you whatever I want." The god smiles, lighting a cigar and blowing the smoke into Jared's face. The smoke flows into his mouth and nose, making his head foggy. Slowly Jared feels his sense of self escape by blowing out the smoke. Looking back up at the man in front of him he sees the mans cock hanging out of his pants , an alluring scent wafting from his large rod and balls. Without a second thought he takes the whole length down his supple throat. With each bob of his head, Jared loses more and more of his identity. Before long, nothings left. a blank slate. As soon as the last drop of Jared leaves him, the man shoots his load into the young mans throat. As the cum fills his mouth, so does the new persona fill his mind. Jay looks up at his divine daddy, smiling as the salty substance fills his stomach. Warmth spreads all over his body as he begins to expand.

His chest fills with thick muscle and hot liquid, slightly sloshing around. His balls churn as more and more testosterone gets pumped through his body. His pits begin to emanate a subtle musk, while his feet are now permanently moist. His ass balloons out, lifting him more, pushing more and more of the mans dick into his mouth, which has grown longer in the time that Jared has drained out of him.

Slowly taking out the engorged rod from his Trophy boys mouth the man smiles. "I am Kama, but you can call me daddy boy, now rest."

And with those words, Jay falls unconscious, having reached the end of the trams ride.

______________________________________________________________

In the days that follows, Jay spends his time working out, and working as an assistant at his Daddy's office. He seems to be the owner of a large multi-faceted brand called Rakurai Inc. Its perfect for him. He only has to think of fun things to make men into fun boys. No hard thinking because most of the blood is spend in his massive rod. Oh right, Daddy is almost on break better send him a picture.

[wileys-russo]

Mai i request a blurb or fic with Alexia or leah in their home with

"Oh my god if you buy one more plush to occupy my spot on the bed i'm kicking you out to sleep on the couch."

the collection II l.williamson

"babe!" you faintly heard your girlfriend call from downstairs, attention diverted from the laptop in front of you in the home office you and leah had turned your second bedroom into.

"yeah?" you called back, unable to hear her response. "babe? oi did you hear me?" leah yelled again as you sighed, closing your laptop and pushing away from the desk.

"lee, baby we've discussed this so many times that i cannot hear you unless you're in the same room or not-" you began to tell her off as you jogged downstairs but stopped as you saw the likely reason for her yelling.

"my package!" you squealed happily, almost bowling leah to the floor with the speed in which you zoomed past her and plucked the box from her hands, the blonde scoffing as you sat down on the edge of the sofa.

"this is what i was yelling about." you made an indignant noise as before you could even rip the box open leah appeared in front of you and snatched it from your hands, promptly pushing you back down onto the couch with her foot to your chest as you tried to stand.

"leah!" you huffed, smacking her sock covered foot away with a grimance as she tucked the box under her arm. "you, my girl, have a problem." leah began sternly, finger wagging at you as your eyes rolled.

"oh and do tell what is this so called problem i have?" you sighed, settling back into the couch with arms crossed and an eyebrow cocked in challenge toward the defender in front of you.

"you're addicted to online shopping." leah claimed boldly as you made a noise somewhere between a scoff and a choke as you shook your head. "i am not! leah this is ridiculous, give me my package." you demanded, wiggling your fingers at her expectantly as she firmly shook her head.

"this, is the fifth box to arrive on the doorstep addressed to you this week, and thats just whats arrived while i've been at home!" leah warned raising an eyebrow right back at you as you both stared one another down, unwavering.

"it is not the-" you were silenced by a fierce look from your girlfriend who suddenly went marching out of the room as you hurried to follow her, fingers itching to get a hand back on your package still tucked away in her arms.

"leah where on earth are we going?" you groaned in annoyance as again you tried to reach for the box and she darted out of your reach, marching through the house and right out the back doors as you sighed heavily and followed.

"exhibit a!" the english woman announced, having lead you around the side of the house and gesturing wildly to the near overflowing recycling bin hidden from public view.

it was due to go out tomorrow night as you made a mental note to remember to do that since leah was renowned for forgetting which is how the bin had ended up so full in the first place.

"what are you on about williamson?" you sighed deeply, crossing your arms and jutting your hip out to the side as you stared her down with pursed lips.

"evidence babe, cold hard undeniable evidence." leah held up a finger as if to pause whatever strange investigation she seemed to think was going on.

you groaned quietly as she placed your package down on the pavers, behind her and still out of your reach as, dramatically, she flung open the lid of the recycling bin and gave you an accusatory look.

"lee this is ridiculous just give me my package and-" "see!" leah interrupted, grabbing out an amazon box from the win and waving it about.

"a box? groundbreaking investigatory skills babe, consider me thoroughly impressed!" you clapped slowly, voice dripping with sarcasm as leahs eyes narrowed.

"you will see, exhibit b, the name on said box!" leah spun it around and tapped the label aggressively as you snickered and she glanced down, quickly flipping it around the right way and repeating the action.

"you mean to tell me a box was delivered to our home addressed to someone who lives here? scandalous!" you gasped, voice still alight with sarcasm as leah rolled her eyes and tossed the box onto the ground.

"exhibit c, d, e, f, g-" leah listed off, grabbing boxes of various shapes and sizes out of the bin, flashing your name on each one and tossing them into the growing pile on the ground as you watched on unamused.

"okay yeah leah alright you've made your point!" you finally snapped, stepping forward and promptly slamming the recycling bin lid closed, narrowly missing your girlfriends fingers as she whistled.

"touchy at the truth are we babe? ready to admit you've got a problem?" leah grinned happily as you shook your head and stepped forward.

"okay love you were right. i do have a problem-" you started with a small pout, hands coming to rest on leahs hips as she nodded in agreement. "-and that would be you." you promptly pushed her out of the way, snatching your package off the ground and striding away.

"don't forget to put those boxes back in the bin williamson!" you yelled over your shoulder, hurrying inside and ignoring the swearing and grumbling of the disgruntled blonde you left behind as you rummaged through the drawers for some scissors.

slicing down the tape you wrestled with the box for a moment before the flaps opened and you gasped, clapping happily and pulling its contents out, holding it at arms length with delight written clear on your face.

"oh you are fucking joking me! another one?" leah appeared at the back door, clearly nowhere near as impressed with your latest purchase as you were as you ignored her.

"you have about ten of those already! you do have a fucking shopping problem, i'm blocking your cards." leah huffed, attempting to snatch the plush pumpkin from your grip as you held it protectively to your chest.

"i do not! honestly and you say i'm dramatic leah?" you scoffed with a roll of your eyes. "and good luck considering i'm the one who deals with our finances." you blew her a kiss and ducked past her, only as you did she managed a hand on your latest stuffed friend and snatched it from you.

"leah! give it back-" you grunted, trying to wrestle it back but it was a fruitless task as she easily held you off with her other hand. "come." the defender barked, pushing you away again and headed for the bedroom as you scrambled to follow.

"exhibit...whatever bloody letter i was up to." leah waved it off, again shoving you away as you reached for the pumpkin she had in her grip. "babe, look! one, two, three, four, five, six-" your girlfriend began to count the series of jellycats sat on the bed.

"you have a problem!" leah poked at your chest as your eyes rolled and you mocked her under your breath. "say it, go on then." the girl demanded clapping expectantly as she tossed the pumpkin on the bed.

"no baby i can't, because we promised we wouldn't lie to one another." you pouted sarcastically, trying to reach past her to grab the pumpkin and squealing in shock as you were tackled to the bed.

"admit it! say you have an online shopping problem!" leah grunted, moving to sit on top of you as you wheezed and fought to throw her off.

"get off you haven't showered since training and you'll ruin them!" you whined, leah's eyes narrowing as she managed to pin your hands beneath her knees, not much taller than you but most certainly the stronger considering she was a professional athlete.

"oh? ruin these?" leah grabbed another jellycat in hand, this one a lime as you'd been on a bit of a food related kick with your purchases lately, and holding it up with a smirk.

"leah. put. it. down." you warned seriously, her smirk only growing. "i wonder what would happen if bella got a hold of one of these?" leah pondered, the two of you dogsitting for the week as amanda was away on a girls holiday.

"you do that, you'll be single faster than you can say north london forever williamson. put it down!" you growled as your girlfriend rolled her eyes, moving as if to place it down before she tossed it over her shoulder and you gasped.

"say you have an online shopping problem." "no!" this time it was a bright green frog which hit the bedroom floor and you gasped again. "say it babe."

"i do not have a problem. this is a hobby! like you collect vintage arsenal kits!" you accused, wriggling beneath her and groaning as you had no luck at all in throwing her off or getting a hand free.

"a hobby! please." leah scoffed. "i wear the kits, they have a purpose. these stupid little mounds of feathers or cotton or whatever the fuck they're made of just sit here all day. absolutely useless waste of money!" leah huffed as you inhaled sharply.

"they are not! they're loveable plush characters who have been around since the 90's with names and backstories and-" "oh my god if you buy one more stupid little plush to occupy my spot on the bed i'm kicking you out to sleep on the couch!"

"oh you'll kick me out will you miss needy?" you scoffed, raising an eyebrow in challenge, your girlfriend at her most clingy when the two of you were wrapped up in bed together of a night.

"if i need to. but these are just the tip of the iceberg of your online shopping problem! before this there was the stupid rocks-" "crystals." "then it was the stupid little action figures-" "pop vinyls." "then it was the fridge magnets-" "hey you said you liked that our fridge has personality now!" "and lets not forget the knitting, the colouring in, the necklace making kits, the paint by numbers-" leah listed off on her finger the countless hobbies you admittedly had invested quite a lot of money into before growing bored and moving onto something else.

"fine fine fine! i may have....some ever so slight difficulties with online shopping." you begrudgingly admitted, puffing our air with a scowl as leahs face softened.

"thank you. now was that so hard to admit?" your girlfriend smiled as your scowl only deepened. "get off me leah, right now."

leah rolled off of you as you couldn't wait and practically shoved her to the point she nearly fell off the bed as you stomped out of the room.

"babe! come on its out of love, i want to help you cure this problem." leah yelled out after you, hearing your footsteps thump back upstairs where the office was and sighing, already preparing her apology in her head before they sounded coming back downstairs and she paused.

"what are you-" she frowned seeing the odd assortment of objects in your hand, clearly looking as if you were struggling not to drop them as you carefully placed them down on the edge of the bed and leah scooted out of the way leaning back against the headboard.

"the hoverboard, the laptop dj set, the VR gaming headset, the rollerskates, the indoor golf set, the dartboard, the-" you listed off, pulling more things from under the bed or the back of the cupboard as leah suddenly seemed to run out of things to say, falling silent and blushing.

"now tell me, what are these leah?" you questioned the now quite large pile of leahs own dead hobbies on the bed as your girlfriend winced, hand awkwardly rubbing the back of her neck.

"um...presents?" "oh? and who bought you these then? were they for your birthday? christmas?" you asked, hands on hips and staring her down as leah cleared her throat and chuckled uncomfortably.

"um. presents to me...from me?" "mmm, so...you bought them online. correct?" "...not all of them." leah clarified as you scoffed.

"right, right. so..." you trailed off, raising your eyebrows expectantly as the blonde let out a deep sigh and slowly crawled forward so she was sat at the end of the bed on her knees.

"my beautiful, smart, gorgeous, sexy-" "not the time for flattery williamson." "i am very very sorry for-"

however before she could finish the front doorbell rang diverting both of your attentions, right as your phone dinged and leahs once sorrowful eyes narrowed, the two of you locked eye to eye.

you began to slowly back out of the room, hearing the doorbell go again as your phone started to ring and leah hopped to her feet, stalking after you with a knowing look as you chuckled nervously.

"leah no!" you squealed as within seconds she was sprinting past you, holding you off with one arm and a leg as she cracked open the door, the poor delivery man jolting in shock as just leahs head appeared and her hand came to cover your mouth, keeping you at bay with her foot pressed to your stomach.

"delivery for a-" "oh no i'm sorry for the mix up mate but nobody by that name lives here, better return to sender if you would!" "leah catherine williamson!"

[tastesousweet]

⭒ blurb : podcasting

bf!hamzah x poc!reader

summary: based on this ask!!! little blurb of the times you pop up on the ooc podcast

mickey speaks: this was so funny to write!!! also i need to be hamzah's gf yesterday bitch

─────────── · · ୨୧ · · ───────────

hamzah having you in an episode with mandy and martin

“oh wow this couch gets kinda tight when four people are squeezed on here” hamzah says while adjusting a few pillows

“yeah,” martin starts before addressing the audience, “and, well, you’re probably wondering ‘who the heck is that?!’” he gestures his hand over to you, beside hamzah with your legs folded and knees lying against his thigh

you can’t help but smile as hamzah introduces you, “and, yeah, believe it or not i have a girlfriend.”

“i’m right next to you so i’d hope they believe it” give a soft giggle

“only hamzah would announce he has a girlfriend with ‘believe it or not’” mandy adds and hamzah throws a hand up in the air in defeat

★

martin: “i can’t help but think this feels like in middle school when people were just group dating all the time”

hamzah: “was group dating that common? i don’t remember that”

you: “i remember certain friend groups at my school doing that but i definitely wasn't participating”

mandy: “this isn’t really a group though martin, more like a double date? there’s four of us”

martin: "it's not all about numbers mandy sometimes there's just a vibe"

★

martin: “but you two have been dropping hints about dating for a while now”

you: “yeah, we’ve been doing a little soft launching here and there”

martin: “i like that term a lot actually”

mandy: “i think it’s cute, but i've seen a lot of people online that don't use it properly”

you: "i agreeeee, like you didn't soft launch by posting the back of his head if we already saw the front of it a week ago- we know who he is!!! there is no mystery"

martin: "oh so the appeal is the mystery... almost like scooby doo?"

hamzah, nodding his head: "mhm... exactly"

you: "it's always two dumb bitches telling each other-"

you and hamzah together: "exactlyyyyy"

martin looks over to mandy as the two of you laugh: "oh come on this is their first episode together and look at them mandy! we have to be cuter, come on. lock in."

hamzah: "hey no need to be jealous, my friend."

hamzah pats martins thigh

mandy: "so what was that right there?"

hamzah: "you wouldn't understand..."

martin: "no but seriously mandy you never soft launched me- only hard"

mandy: "there was no need to??? next time i'll do it i guess"

you, laughing: "next time???"

hamzah is sat in thought for an extra second before he replies to martin, making them both laugh

hamzah: “okay martin you said like that term so much? boy, now imma soft launch these nuts in your mouth”

you: "and i know you were thinking on that joke for a minute"

martin, through laughs: “okay, okay, enough”

hamzah, wiping his eyes: “well, now the jig is up. you know it's all aired out and public”

martin: “yeah... a hard launch on the podcast, that’s crazy bro”

you and mandy, mocking: “that’s craaazzyy brooo”

★

hamzah answering your call during a podcast

martin: “hamzah whenever you buy clothes from the store or get it shipped in the mail always wash your clothes!”

hamzah: “i do wash my clothes but if it’s new that doesn’t make any sense”

martin: “so you’re just gonna open it up and put it on?”

hamzah: “yes!”

hamzah’s phone starts ringing

martin: “and wow. now look who’s breaking the phone rule!”

hamzah: “stop shhh. it’s y/n”

he answers, hamzah: “hey what’s up?”

you see the mic in his hand and widen your eyes, you: “oh shit, i’m sorry to interrupt”

hamzah: “it’s okay i have something to ask you now anyway.”

you: "okayy.. do you wanna go first or me?"

hamzah: "you go ahead"

you: "okay quick- is this business casual enough for an event tonight?"

hamzah: "nobody is doing business lookin' that hot, you can't be serious"

you: "kay thanks"

hamzah, jokes: "you are not anyone's office siren, girl"

you: "i'm gonna hang up"

hamzah: "no!!! i need to ask if you wash your clothes after you buy them."

you: "if they smell like stale water and factory chemicals, yes"

hamzah: "martin is educating me on the importance of this unimportant thing right now."

you: "and you should listen to him, stinky"

martin: "thank you!"

hamzah: "oh nahhh, now i'm gonna hang up"

you: "mkayy bye, sorry for interrupting! bye martin!!!"

martin: "byee"

★

you drop something off at the warehouse studio while they’re filming

hamzah: "what was that noise?"

martin: "i don't know..."

hamzah: "it sounds like someone's actually trying to break in, what?"

martin: "were you expecting company?"

hamzah: "no, were you?"

martin: "no...i mean let's ask the audience"

martin turns to the camera, concerned

hamzah: "okay i'm actually about to go check. this is weird."

it cuts to a clip of hamzah sat again and you peeking your head in the frame to wave

hamzah: "nevermind. it was just my sweet girlfriend bringing us lunch, sorry if that scared you guys."

martin: "should we make like a super artifical thumbnail for clickbait? somethin' like; 'someone tried to kidnap us in our studio!'

hamzah: "no"

★

they have a trolling episode where you and mandy both sub in and act as martin and hamzah for an entire episode

mandy: "you know i find it crazy how we manage to talk about nothing for an entire hour"

you: "this is the talent people expect from us bro! and if we ever get too boring we can always discuss the state of sabrina and barry's relationship."

mandy: "true. and don't make fun of me but everytime man-crush monday comes around i'm always picking barry..."

you: "well if i can't make fun of you then i'll just stay quiet for your sake."

taglist -★ (some of u didn't ask to be tagged but have frequently liked my hamzah content lol, just lmk if you'd prefer not to be tagged!!!)

@sirenedeslily @333michelle @thatmartinkitten @@maybankfr @imsosillygoofylol @certainfestivalnerdshepherd

[thechy-fychannel]

I saw a few other blogs doing this so I thought I'd share my input on what I think would happen in the House MD universe in 2024:

the constant jokes abt house and wilson's relationship turns into the fellows jokingly writing fanfic abt their boss and his boy best friend. somewhere along the way they all get very serious abt the quality of it and it turns into a Whole Thing, a 150k+ novel that they vow to take to their graves.

house discovers the fic by accident and sends it to wilson. wilson discovers things abt himself and then he and house discover each other shortly thereafter.

house purposefully posts the fic online and credits the fellows by their entire full names so it embarrasses them more than house and wilson. It's never spoken abt again but it gets way more online attention than any of them expected.

wilson doesn't get how the Cloud works and accidentally uploads his and house's nudes to the google nest hub on his desk. He doesn't notice it until one of his sweet little old lady cancer patients points it out to him during their appointment. He throws the google nest hub into his trash can until he can figure out how to get the naked pictures off of it.

house has an alexa and abuses the hell out of it. sometimes ppl hear him screaming at someone in his office, only to walk in and find a robotic voice replying with "sorry, I didn't get that" and house throws it off the balcony.

wilson gets addicted to online shopping. house has to stage an intervention bc they do not have enough room in their closet for another pair of prada loafers and their kitchen is full of shitty gadgets that wilson bought off temu or something.

some right wing social media influencer comes in with a mysterious illness and ends up getting castrated as part of the solution. 13 personally does the procedure herself and house watches like a proud dad.

a patient reveals chase's grindr by shoving his phone at him and asking "is this you?" abt the headless profile with the ripped abs that says Dr. Feel Good, 0 feet away, in front of the rest of the team.

foreman finds the team doing tiktok dances bc house told them to learn it in order to understand their 15 yr old patient better.

chase medically murders mitch mcconnel and the entire hospital celebrates ding dong the witch is dead style.

there's a whole episode where house faces his transphobia bc of a trans patient that he connects with. the patient tells him to fuck off and go face his own problems instead of pretending to make it right by being nice to one trans person. And house does, even if he's not perfect, he really tries to do better.

13 gets her medical marijuana card and accidentally becomes the team's plug. her main customer is wilson who still supplies it to certain terminal patients. She hears "hey, can I hit your pen?" at least four times a day.

foreman buys a tesla and it blows up in the parking lot. they spend the entire episode trying to figure out who tried to kill foreman, but it turns out that teslas just do that sometimes.

there's an episode where house finds out that netflix is removing his favorite obscure tv show that ran for 2 seasons in 2002 and wilson recruits the team to hunt down a dvd copy of it without house finding out. they somehow manage to find one and spend a ridiculous amount of money on it, only to open the dvd case and find a copy of the porno wilson starred in that one time instead of the dvd of the show. park saves the day at the last minute by finding a copy of it in a box of dvds in her parents house.