#but... i've legit thought about it and...

[elsa-fogen]

Yep. Yeah. That's me. Almost all of it, except, i sleep well (if i manage to fall asleep) Reblogging because maybe some of you didn't know (i also didn't know)

Story time!

Too long don't read: used to sleep on private math lessons because i hate math; it takes hours for me to fall asleep WHEN I SUPPOSED TO, and my sister does it in 3-5 minutes.

I was studying at university and we had MATH there I've always had problems with it. since 5th grade i think (well, i hated math before too but real problems started there) when i changed schools and the new class was behind what I've already studied and i didn't pay attention, until i realized that at some point I was behind. I said "welp, i guess it's to late to try, so fuck it"

So at university we had this very high level math and i just couldn't understand a thing (and we had an awful teacher who was saying evvvvery time something like "yall getting expelled, we're all gonna die") so i decided "if i don't understand, fuck it then, i will not even try" and started skipping math classes.

But i STILL had to pass an exam, we were getting 3 tries and if you fail you're getting expelled. I failed first two what a surprise (i don't know how i managed to pass it after all, i can't remember SHIT, only that i is fucking non-existing number which is square root of -1. Why on earth would you need it i have NO fucking clue.

So i had personal teachers who tried to make me understand at least something to pass the exam. And there was one i remember very well, i even remember that we paid her 10$ per hour (for us that was quite a lot). And i remember her because i was SLEEPING. I just COULDN'T keep my eyes opened. She explains something about deviding by zero and my brain draws the fucking universe collapsing in front of my eyes. She gives me some task, I'm trying to write something and I'm falling asleep and DREAMING about writing, then ahe wakes me up and i see that i didn't write SHIT. It all ended when in the middle of lesson she just kicked me out.

And, what a miracle, I'm leaving her apartments and suddenly, all the sleepiness just wanishes! I'm walking home, thinking about some another AU of mine, roleplaying it with myself in my head, full of energy again.

That's not the only case of this, but it's the strongest i ever felt. But that like happens all the time, EVEN WHEN MY MOM OR MY GRANNY COMES TO ME AND START TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING I'M NOT INTERESTED, IM YAWNING AND FEEL URGE TO FALL ASLEEP. But the moment they leave, It goes away! I was calling it work allergy LMAO

I was diagnosed with adhd in my early childhood (there was also something about epilepsy, but it's ok now so it doesn't matter), not long ago i brought this fact back into my active memory (thanks to Jaiden animations ADHD video for that xD) i kinda used to myself by now and now I'm trying to catch and analyse all moments of adhd kicking in. I know my own tricks and buttons, how to make myself do the thing or just how to force myself into doing something. Because i know if i start, I'll probably lock in and won't get up until it's done (well, if i have at least a tiny bit of interest in that thing, or else i won't), and i hate it when someone interrupts me in the middle of the process. No mom, i can't come right now, i can't finish it later, because i either spend few more hours forcing myself to go back to the task or just forget about it.

But i didn't know that this sleepiness was a legit symptom! I just thought that it's exaderated boredom, that's it, had a joke name for it. That's... Funny to know that this thing is actually also adhd moment.

Also, about sleeping. I have problems falling asleep. I may lie in the bed for hours without even my phone, just rotating my stories in my head, and when i don't have a story to think about, this is just the name of my current hyperfixation with different tones and in different random dialogues that doesn't even make sense. I have no idea how to fall asleep, except when i didn't sleep for like 48 hours (EVEN THEN IT MIGHT BE A PROBLEM AND I START THINKING OF THAT CREEPY PRION SICKNESS AND SCARE MYSELF AGAIN). And my mom told me that it have always been like that with me. She and my dad had the whole ritual to make me fall asleep. Dad would hold me in his arms, his head with me covered with a blanket that i could only see his face (or else I would look everywhere and never fall asleep), and rock me for HOURS while i was SCREAMING and CRYING the whole time like i was tortured. But when I'd finally fall asleep, they could be as loud as usual and didn't have to whisper, because wake me up is a whole different story. And my mom was SHOCKED when all it took to make my sister fall asleep was just pet her back for 3-5 minutes.

I don't think of myself as... Sick or ill. That's how i was all my life, i don't know anything else. That's not a sickness to me, that's just part of my personality. Maybe sometimes some parts of it bite me in the ass and make my life harder, but i don't know other life. That's the only one I've got, and i guess I'm fine with that (tho now that i think about it, i need to pay more attention to how i write the characters, and don't make them all ADHDshers LOL i need to study neurotypical people under a microscope 🔬🔍)

bro im gonna CRY i didnt know this 🥺

[revvethasmythh]

ngl, "I'm the only one who understands [x] character" or "only ten people actually get [x] character" is like the #1 biggest red flag to me that a person probably will have an inaccurate interpretation of a character. because if you've decided that you understand that character in a uniquely objective way over others, you inherently wall yourself off from alternate opinions by deciding they're wrong on the basis of simply not being the exact same as yours. if you can't incorporate or even just ponder other people's perspectives, people who have lived different lives and are approaching the content through different but potentially very useful lenses, you might miss out on some extremely enlightening and fascinating interpretations. building yourself an insulated echo chamber is probably the worst thing you could do when assessing a character like that

[swordfright]

A while back someone on my dash said something along the lines of “what sam wants from dream is a demonstration of the agency sam wants to take from him” and i’ve been thinking about it ceaselessly for what feels like months on end. Sam doesn’t want to win dream’s obedience completely, because if dream continues to rebel, if dream continues to be insubordinate in small manageable ways, sam can take this behavior as proof that dream hasn’t learned discipline yet, that rules and consequences must continue to be enforced - that sam is, in a sense, needed. Sam is a builder and dream is the ultimate engineering project: challenging (psychologically taxing to guard), important (to the stability of the server), rewarding (on those sporadic occasions when dream obeys him without question), and ceaseless (because the ideal prisoner always needs a warden to keep them in line.) The existence of the prisoner necessitates the existence of the warden. sam’s job is keeping dream locked up and as long as dream needs to be locked up, sam needs to be the warden. This is also part of why sam is incapable of seeing dream as a person rather than a monster - because if he admits that dream is capable of growth and change, he must then admit that one day, dream might grow into the sort of person that doesn’t need to be locked up anymore. Which would render the warden obsolete. That cannot be allowed to happen because sam needs to feel needed. And we’ve come full-circle.

[miscelliteeous]

SO it turns out I have even more thoughts on him than I realized, like I wrote 14k words about him and I still have so much more to say so here’s some headcanons that didn’t really fit anywhere. NOT WORKSAFE, but this covers a wide range of topics, with the nsfw stuff being only like 1/4th of them.

Adam Frankenstein Headcanons

- General:

He’s a stew guy, like that’d be his go-to meal if he could have it. He likes that no matter what it always tastes a little different than the last time and how easily it can be modified with different ingredients plus it warms him and makes him feel cared for.

Gets cold easily and gets colder than most people can handle, though he still prefers to be wrapped up in something warm.

His voice is deep and can vary between gravelly and raspy, though it gets a tiny bit higher when he’s upset or extremely passionate about something.

Tends to mutter under his breath and talk to himself a little when he’s working on figuring out something complicated.

He can be a bit impulsive and it often bites him in the ass, but he’s working on it.

Has absolutely NO care for looking how men are expected to look at that time in society.

His hair gets very poofy and wavy when it’s taken out of a wet braid.

He has thin skin, and though he heals relatively quickly, he also scars very easily and bleeds easily too.

Will read anything and everything he can get his hands on. He wants to learn about the world as much as possible.

His favorite fiction genre is romance, and he likes big, toxic all-consuming romances and thinks they’re the height of romance. He’s a Heathcliff stan (hey, he’s gotta have SOME bad qualities, am I right?).

Not the best at singing, can’t really stay on tune, but he enjoys singing when happy and alone. Gets very embarrassed if caught.

Animals either adore him or despise him, there is no in-between.

Has a habit of slouching over when standing, to seem just a little shorter.

Feels emotions very intensely. He’s never just sad, he’s devastated, he’s never just angry, he’s furious, he’s never just happy, he’s overjoyed. It’s something he’s working on.

- Romantic:

He has a habit of staring at the one he loves for a long time, blinking very minimally.

Adam doesn’t like to be far away from you, and will follow you around like a lost puppy.

Very much would prefer to have some part of him touching you at all times, usually handholding.

Takes him a while to get used to you touching him as opposed to him touching you, but once he does, he melts.

Braid his hair! It’s practical, its cute, it says fuck you to fashion trends of the time, and it’d make him smile. Braid! His! Hair!

Loves the idea of helping out with mundane tasks, like he’ll cook and sew and be so very gentle when brushing your hair.

Uses so many little terms of endearments, the more reverence they show to you the better. He wants you to know he puts you on a pedestal and practically worships you.

One thing that will piss him off quickly (unless you’ve maybe asked him to please hold back ahead of time) is someone insulting you. He’d be ready to go off on them in a scary way within seconds.

Ideal sleeping position: curled up around you like a pill-bug. He’s big enough that he can probably wrap his body entirely around you and would want to do that every night if he could. Horrible for both of your backs.

If you braid his hair (which you should!) he would want to braid yours in return if possible.

Tends to stand behind you when in public. Partially out of shyness, partially to serve as a warning to others to not fuck with you.

When he’s standing behind you in public? The slouch is GONE, he is eight feet of glaring intensity, like a pissed off lighthouse behind a tiny cottage.

Really doesn’t like anyone else touching you and would get a bit more clingy even if it was a purely platonic touch.

Honestly he’s very possessive. He’s found one person in the world who loves HIM, flaws and all, and he doesn’t want to risk losing you.

Tells you he loves you at least 4-5 times a day, including any time you leave a room he’s in.

- Sexual:

You know that image of the hamster eating a banana? You’re the hamster.

Massive, ridiculously large dick that’s still in proportion so it doesn’t look too crazy huge, but it’s still probably about 9-10 inches hard, 7-8 flaccid.

Absolutely aware of how big he is, and takes every step he can think of to make things easier, though it might still be tricky at first.

Adam prefers positions where he can see your face.

Very vocal, tries to hold back sometimes but fails, very loud.

Says anything that comes to his mind, most of which is just really over-the-top praise for you and how you make him feel.

He’s close to 400lbs of muscle, but very mindful of his body so that he doesn’t hurt you. Even if he lays on you he’d still be supporting himself mostly.

Not really fond of mirrors being involved. He’d love to see different angles of you, but himself? Not so much.

Thinks he’s going to die and ascend to heaven when he first gets a blowjob. Though he loves it, he prefers to give rather than receive, he wouldn’t want to hurt your jaw.

Not much aftercare the first time because he doesn’t know as much about it, but once he learns he’s a king.

Cleans you up, gives you a massage, water, holds you, praises you (even more!), makes sure you’re okay and that you enjoyed it too. He would melt if you do the same for him too.

- Familial/Paternal:

Ideally, he would have two children, he would love to be father to a boy and girl, but he would be happy with any amount or none at all and taking care of pets instead. He just wants to raise and care for something the way Victor never raised and cared for him.

So indecisive with names, like there’s so many good names he would want to use, he’d probably leave it mostly up to you.

The one name he’d really want to use? The second he hears the name Abigail means something like “my father is joyful” he jumps for it because that’s exactly how he feels about being a father.

So scared to hold the baby for a good while. He’s just so big and they’re so small and if he accidentally hurt them he’d never forgive himself.

Hovers around the baby though and still holds its little hand. As close as he can get without holding them.

Once he gets over that, he’s a very attentive father.

Very high chance any of his kids would have his black hair and some of his facial features. He’d hope they would have your eyes though.

Lets his kids climb all over him, pull his hair, swing on his arms, anything just as long as they don’t get hurt.

Very encouraging of them to explore and learn new things but also a bit of helicopter dad.

Torn between wanting to keep his kid/s safe from the world and wanting them to be able to do anything they set their mind to.

While not quite 8ft, I think any kids he would have would still grow to be a bit taller than average.

[dreamsaflame]

Mouthwashing is so prescient on discourse about inaction. So many people asking why Curly brushed aside Anya's fears and remained lenient with Jimmy. So many people asking why Swansea didn't immediately take action after the private convo in the cockpit.

And now, in real time, you can see people trying to defend both men. And I don't think this is done out of malice, or any intention to downplay the horror of Anya's situation. I think it's pretty human nature to want a better world, to want to soften the blow. There's so much we don't know (the timeline, the details of the convo, the actual nature of Curly's friendship with Jimmy, etc etc ad nauseam), so there is space to hope for a gentler moment, even if we all know the aftermath is unbearable and impact is imminent. We still want to believe things could be different, that things could be better. It doesn't change anything, but still. But still.

Maybe Anya had still held on to a little bit of hope, futile though it would have been. Maybe she didn't feel completely isolated the entire time. She was failed by both Curly and Swansea in every way that matters, but maybe she could have sat by them and not feel like her world had fully imploded. Maybe there were moments where the world allowed her to breathe.

Maybe Curly didn't know. Maybe he did try to keep Jimmy away from Anya. Maybe he was doing what he could, despite his desire to see the best in people (Jimmy). Maybe there wasn't enough time for him to even do anything. Maybe Swansea tried to step up afterwards. We don't know. We only see through the eyes of one man who only wanted to see the good in the world, and then through the eyes of one man who only saw himself.

And the game's prescience even about the end––wishing doesn't change anything. Anya dies putting away her conviction that your worst moments don't define you, that they don't make of you a monster. Daisuke dies having helped no one with his hope and sacrifice. Swansea dies filled with regret, having done nothing, protected no one. Curly watches till the end as his freeze reaction ensures he stays frozen, unable to act, to help.

Even Jimmy, wishing he was better, that he was a hero––and in the end, even Polle turns away from him.

[elisedonut]

one Draco/Percy soulmate au concept I've had stuck in my head for a very long time is them meeting like super young

Like I'm talking no way to hide it because they're too young to realize that maybe they should

Like Draco barely remembers life before meeting his soulmate young

Point is Draco is not like as mean in this world because of having a good influence

Anyway all that preamble to say I'm thinking about Draco being kind of insufferable about his Soulmate being a prefect and then head boy

like anytime a professor tells the students to follow their prefects somewhere he is immediately at Percy's side instead of you know the actual Prefect he's meant to follow because "You're my prefect" type bs reasoning

and mixing that concept with the whole you can visit your soulmate in their house concept that i really like and you can pull alot of nonsense in those first three years

[flowerwiththemachinegun]

What would you write for the title "Break Me"?

More toxic TsengRu in my mind for the win? Maybe. Angst, dubcon with a little fluff at the end. Well..whatever is fluffy for these two.

Like oh god. By default we know, Tseng and Rufus are....something. But what if Tseng didn't want this kind of life with Rufus? Tseng was content with their companionship but as time went on Rufus started wanting more and Tseng felt obligated to give him everything he asked for even when he truly wanted nothing more than to say no. Eventually coming to a point where Tseng's mentally broken by it but can't see his life any other way.

[linusbenjamin]

Only eight of us survived the crash. I was hurt pretty badly. In fact, if it weren’t for her I would have never made it to the shore. She took care of me, took care of all of us.

[absolutely-not-my-main-blog]

Thinking too long about Always Sunny always has me feeling like a Lovecraftian protagonist who has seen the incommunicable horrors (or wonders) beyond human comprehension and has succumbed to the eyes of madness, so I must occasionally wall off that part of my mind to hold back the floodgates of thoughts for the show, lest the last slivers of my sanity slip away, but it's like trying to nail a single board or place a single piece of tape over the door to an entire universe that keeps trying to pull you back in with some kind of black hole gravitational force when the whole time all anyone else sees is a simple locked door marked "pirate."

[coulsonlives]

Elaboration welcome and encouraged! :) Please reblog for a bigger sample size.

[steakout-05]

so i kinda learned how to draw Captain Picard for my dad's birthday card and i am quite proud of it :D

[thedreadvampy]

my therapist spent today's session making Faces at me about getting an ADHD diagnosis

which

I can honestly say I have never seriously considered the possibility of seeking an ADHD diagnosis but she might not be a billion miles off

I was describing how I get "fizzy bored" where I have no energy or ability to move and nothing holds my attention but I feel like my bones are trying to vibrate out of me with the desire to be Doing Things and she was like 🤔 and I got onto the fact that I often need to be doing 3-4 things at once to ease into focusing on one and she was like 🤨 and then I mentioned how I find it really difficult to start doing things but once I'm in it I'm super focused and she was like 😌 have you considered the possibility of an ADHD diagnosis?

and so I explained that I don't really see the point because even though, unlike EDS and autism, a diagnosis could suggest an actual treatment, I don't really feel like anything I've described is disabling me cause I have the tools to manage it now most of the time and I feel Fizzy Bored WAY less often these days. and she was like 🤨

and I was like yeah to be fair actually I did use to think that about chronic pain, trauma and having shit eyesight and doing something about them did really change my experience. and she was like 😌 and I was like and actually now we mention it the fact that I sometimes for NO REASON AT ALL simply put off doing things even though they would be really easy to do and I want to do them for LITERAL YEARS is maybe. A thing that it might be nice to change if I could. And she was like 🤔 and I was like OH FUCK I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GENUINELY CONSIDER THIS POSSIBILITY AREN'T I?

anyway after talking a mile a minute and overrunning by 15 minutes I then got a quarter of a mile away on foot and realised I'd left my glasses on her table. she opened the door I went HEY SPEAKING OF ADHD

[fiepige]

I know it's irrational but still!

[werewolfsmile]

This is gonna sound weird but I had a dream that there was another Eliot wolf/werewolf reference in Leverage: Redemption and I was so excited to tell you about it. Today I was headed here to share and then remembered my brain made it up and I don't even remember what it was...

asdlfkjhsdfs that is so beautiful and devastating at the same time!! Now I need to know what your brain came up with!!!!

Huh. But now I'm thinking about werewolf!Eliot again.. and now I want to write... dammit. That's one way to get me working on the next chapter, I guess!

(ps not weird at all i have crazy dreams all the time and always like to share them with people)

[shartfinz]

i don't project onto art 👹

[running-in-the-dark]

I've bought so many RH dolls in the past four weeks or so. it's. really disappointing and stressful and stupid and I hate myself, ngl.