#but. then I saw like 3 posts that made me mad and remembered some realities of the world and that was it. :(

[isdalinarhot]

Man. I’m, like, incredibly drunk and I don’t even have any bad posts in me. This is so sad. Now my addiction can’t be taken advantage of as a means for posting funny ass posts and instead is just sad and pathetic. Oh well

[skinwalker-bratz]

My experiences from shifting to a realistic creepypasta reality.

i'm gonna tell you guys about my shifting experience to a REALISTIC creepypasta reality. Remember that you have to at least be 14 or 16 to read this because there are very messed up and disgusting stuff in this post, and most things look like it came from a the boys episode so DON'T READ IT if you're too sensitive to this stuff.

And a reminder that english is not my first language

One day me and smile dog made a bet about something i don't remember much, but he lost and i made him dress like paw patrol for a week.

once I had a mission in an abandoned factory and I hadn't to kill anyone just rob an item there, but there was criminals in there and an innocent man, so I decided to save him, which was extremely hard for me but he ended running from me frightened because of me... and he ran to a avenue where a truck ran over him.

one day masky made me mad, so I sneaked into Toby's room and extracted his cum on the floor and put it in masky's coffee.

I had a crush on Dr smiley once so I decided to write him a letter confessing to him. but the letter ended up in Slenderman's hands and later he told me he felt the same.

During a phase of my childhood when I was 7 years old, I had a kitten, and one day my cat had disappeared and I had been very sad, so my mother had prepared a meat soup to cheer me up, and when I had finished eating she showed me a piece of my cat's head and said: "was it good?". And then she laughed.

When i was a normal human in my 14s i had an encounter with a zalgo's prophet on Omegle's and they said that they were coming to me, so i thought that if i acted weird in my webcam they wouldn't come. So i started to do wild animal noises and pissed myself.

The prophet or zalgo's proxy, didn't came to get me so it worked.

one day I was in my real form, when I saw a girl with black hair wearing a white sweatshirt that I thought was Jeff, so I started following her, until she turned to me and screamed: "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?" and threw pepper spray on my face.

I've already eaten a piece of Jack when he had an accident and was on the operating table, so they removed a piece of meat from his ribs that was very damaged and hanging and left it on a tray next to him. I was passing in the corridor and when I looked inside the operating room I saw the piece of meat on the tray and that Dr. smiley had gone out to get something, I sneaked in, took the piece and ate it and left the room.

I don't know what came over me, but at least it was good.

I found out that he regenerates, so this accident was no big deal.

One day I'd been bullied by everyone in the mansion, so i "accidentally" dropped some drug in the soup i was making and the people there ended up eating it, and everyone, except the ghosts, went high. And i got punished for it.

One day I made pasta (not a Creepypasta) as dinner and everyone who ate got sick and almost shit themselves. And again I've got punished and gone to the mansion's dungeon.

One day the proxy trio humiliated me in front of everyone, and i wanted revenge so i posted anonymously a hentai of them three in the mansion's web, and everyone who had phones saw it.

I dated Jack for a while there, and he started to like me to the point where he revealed his face to me. When he did that I realized he was so ugly that I almost cried when I kissed him. After about two weeks I broke up with him.

during my first Christmas in the mansion I saw offenderman using the Christmas turkey to do things u know what... but I was too shy to tell anyone, so during the dinner everyone ate the turkey, except me.

During a mission me and some proxies were discussing a plan and soon we got to a part that involved opening degrees, so I made a joke telling masky to open my legs 180 degrees and I got punished for it.

Note: proxies have a higher ranking than other creepys or lone rangers as they're called there, so you can't disrespect them at all

I already made at least 3 people go to a mental institution.

One day i got to knew about Jeff's and Liu's parents, so while Liu was very drunk i called him on a caller ID and i did my best mom impression voice to say: "it's me Liu, your mother, and I'm coming back for you." While playing hell background noises.

when i was 8 i hated clowns with all my forces but one day i had the bad luck to laughing jack find me. i hated him too much but i was good in not showing it, so one day I've set fire on him and Lucky that my mother found out about my "friend" and got rid of him.

my mother was a witch in that reality.

One say i fell out of my bedroom's window and broke a few bones, and i was brought to the medical office of the mansion and explained what happened to me to nurse and and she just said: "skill issue".

Of course, these are the funniest and light stuff that happened to me. Going to this reality just messed with me, and I'm still scared of some things, but my mental state is fine there's nothing to worry about me.

[alexegan]

Interview for 'Aphex Twin - A Disco Pogo Tribute' I was recently interviewed by Disco Pogo for their excellent tribute book to Aphex Twin. The Q&A was edited down a fair bit for the book itself (fair enough, I do waffle on), but below is the complete unabridged version. I also contributed a number of photos of my collection of AFX records and gear - a small selection of which made it into the book as intended - while others had to be cropped down or left out completely (editing ain't easy!) All the unaltered photos are included within this post as well. Pick up the book from Disco Pogo HERE or Phonica HERE.

Can you introduce yourself? (Name / age / what do you do etc)

Hello! I’m Alex Egan and I work for Ninja Tune and Phonica Records. I also run a few of my own little record labels such as Utter and its sub-label Quoth… no prizes for guessing what inspired that name.

What first got you into Aphex Twin? Do you remember the first time you heard his music?

It would’ve initially been via my dad. He is really into music and played in a band in the 80s/90s (Ozric Tentacles) so his taste and record collection influenced me loads growing up. In amongst the Gong, Can and Eno he’d also be blasting out mad electronic stuff like Aphex Twin, Squarepusher and whatnot so I was aware of RDJ’s music from a pretty early age. We’d be going to gigs and festivals like Glastonbury throughout the 90s whenever the Ozrics or his mates such as Eat Static played so we’d catch acts like AFX and ‘Pearsquasher’ (as he called him) performing live now and then. When I was about 15 I’d started getting really into skateboarding and heard ‘Come To Daddy’ in a video called ‘CKY2K’. Suddenly, two worlds I loved had collided. While I was already buying records at that point, it was by seeking out 12”s like ‘Come To Daddy’ and ‘Windowlicker’ that I got sucked into the whole Warp, Rephlex and ‘Braindance’ wormhole.

What stands RDJ's music apart from everyone else's for you?

Its fearlessness, originality and sheer diversity. There's a lot of it as well, yet its quality is consistently high. The humour helps too.

Why do you think he inspires such devotion?

Everyone loves a bit of mystery don’t they? He’s cultivated a reputation as an unpredictable maverick over the years. Yes, there’s a lot of blurring of reality when it comes to his backstory, but behind all the crazy rumours there’s the undeniably excellent music. There’s integrity behind the myth.

This might be an impossible question but - what is your favourite RDJ track (and why)?

Oof. Well, I have loads of favourites and it depends on context but I’ll go with ‘#3 (Rhubarb)’ from SAW II. My wife walked down the aisle to it during our wedding ceremony!

Is there one track that you think most epitomises him? (And why?)

‘Milk Man’? Haha… but seriously, this really IS the impossible question.

I mean, which one track do you pick? ‘Alberto Balsalm’, ‘Xtal’ or ‘Every Day’? Would you choose ’On’, ‘Avril 14th’ or ‘VBS.Redlof.B’ instead? What about ‘Analogue Bubblebath’, ‘Cliffs’ or ‘XMD5a’?

You get the idea, we’re left in a bit of a pickle. So no, I don’t think there’s just one track that epitomises him, which is probably part of the appeal.

What is your most prized RDJ related possession?

I’ve picked up a fair bit of AFX tat over the years. Posters, masks, brollies, towels, toy bears… but most prized is a dubplate which has ‘5 Heliosphan Live’ on. Some of my mates from Phonica had it cut for me as a present. There are some other tracks cut on there as well and funny stuff like stupid answer phone recordings. It’s not valuable - there’s nothing stopping anyone else from cutting their own dub of the track - but mine still holds a special place in my heart. That track is perfection and the other bits crack me up. Otherwise, my most prized ‘official’ AFX possessions would be the Analord series and The Tuss records. I keep going back to listen to them, they’re all brilliant. I actually sold ‘Rushup Edge’ years back when I needed some extra dosh. I immediately regretted it of course. Thankfully, another copy came my way at a reasonable price. I’m never making that mistake again.

Can you tell us a little more about your collection - how large is it? Any other particular highlights?

Fairly large. I’ve been buying all kinds of records over the last 25 years and a collection gradually snuck up on me. The Aphex section is pretty extensive now, but it’s not like I started out on a mission to get everything by him. I’m not an ultra-obsessive fan who only buys RDJ records or feels the need to get every single release on every single format. I just picked up the records as they came out. As for the early or rarer bits, I regularly scour second-hand record shops and keep an eye on Discogs, though some find their way to me in a more personal way. For example, a few years back Nick from Phonica hooked me up with a clear vinyl copy of the Polygon Window album and ‘Artificial Intelligence II’ when he was sent a list of rarities for sale. Recently, some of my friends at Ninja Tune gifted me both of the 2023 live show records for my birthday, which was a bloody nice surprise! Then just the other day I got a great haul from Strictly Kev (of DJ Food) who parted ways with some amazing pieces that I had been after for yonks, such as the Caustic Window 303/606 picture disc, Bradley’s Robot 12” with massive poster and Universal Indicator green vinyl triple pack in Rephlex bag. So the collection is growing slowly and organically. There are still a few gaps… I’d love the official binder to stash my Analord 12”s in and a ‘Drukqs’ box set for example (muggins here got the CD at the time), but with prices as high as they are, I’ll just have to see what crosses my path and hope I get lucky.

I have made peace with the fact that I’ll never own the ‘Analogue Bubblebath 5’, ‘Caustic Window LP’ or ‘Melodies From Mars’ TPs anyway!

Have you made friends with strangers thanks to RDJ's music? 

Yes, I suppose so, but in a roundabout way. It’s more from chatting about records in general rather than specifically Aphex. His music inevitably rears its ugly head in conversation eventually!

Do you have a collective term for RDJ fans?

No, but let’s invent one now. Selected Ambient Berks?

Who is the most extreme fan you know?

Thankfully I’ve only come across the most intense fans online in Facebook groups or forums like Reddit and WATMM. The majority of chat is mellow and good-spirited but occasionally the odd bonkers theory pops up which can be pretty funny. As RDJ has sown the seeds of discord and kept a fairly low profile for so long you have to expect that some madcap followers will fill in the gaps. He certainly inspires a lot of questionable tattoos and unusual fan-art. It’s all quite sweet really.

Have you ever met him? (If so, what happened? If not, what would you ask him?)

No, never met. I do have a wicked idea for a Soundcloud dump release on vinyl though, so drop me a line yeah Rich? Sorted.

What is the best story or rumour you've heard about him? Everyone knows the tank, bank vault and ‘DJing with sandpaper’ tales already. Let’s go for something cuter. One story that made me smile was the when RDJ sneakily entered his old pal Luke Vibert’s ‘Spiral Staircase’ remix competition in Future Music magazine under a false name. He didn’t tell anyone and his mix ended up getting chosen by Luke as the winning entry. It is an absolute belter of a remix to be fair.

[street-corner-felines]

On the streets I saw people turn into meth zombies within 3 fucking weeks, homeboy was a normal cat just trying to hang on like the rest of us, his time ran out at the shelter, you get 3 months and at first that feels like it's gonna last forever then they kick ya out, then you gotta try to figure out how to get off the streets again, not sleep on sidewalks, it's stressful and some folk can't handle it, I know it was stressful for me, sidewalks were shitty, uncomfortable, and the hard users you were chilling with were depressing, unless you were looking to use your drug of choice, they just made ya sad, mad, or just completely sucked the life and energy out of you.

This cat couldn't take it so to deal with no being able to sleep he'd start taking meth (Side as they call it in my hood, like up for coke, down for heroin, side to side for meth, like a d-pad on a controller.) just so he didn't have to worry about sleep, after a few days he started taking it more and more, then he started not shaving, not bathing, sleeping on sidewalks, hanging with the other hard users.

Within 5 weeks or so homie was on Fentynal, making up stories about having cancer, I thought to deal with the other's judging him but I think it was to lie to himself, a lot of the junkies out here who aren't honest with themselves come up with some sob story to deal with the feeling weak, the feeling like a loser, or whatever.

I spent a year being homeless, and I noticed a lot of people who like down, heroin, fentynal and other opioids tend to be dealing with some harsh trauma, serious PTSD, serious childhood trauma, or compound trauma, and they use the opioids to pass out, spend hours to days dope-leaning, if you've seen The Wire or it's prequel The Corner, it's very accurate to life on the streets as a drug addict, they tend to be haunted by some form of heavy duty trauma, and tend to use down or heroin/fent to pass out, it's fight, or flight, or "freeze" and heroin tends to be a form of "freeze" where they don't wanna deal with the world, their problems, the day to day boredom and depressing reality of the streets, the death, the humiliation, the random injustices, so they use to freeze, to hide, and it's surprisingly fast how quick you see people fall apart.

I grew to be grateful of my Moms, my Pops, my family growing up and trying to teach me what was what before I lost em, before I was left alone in this world, and I grew to realize they were right, I was too arrogant and stupid to think I knew what life was like, and got a huge dose of reality, and learned how lucky I was and how lucky I am. People always wondered why I was so "chill" and didn't seem to let life bother me and start picking up a bubble pipe, or a needle, or cooking up some meth or down and start using, it's because of art, creativity, movies and film gave my mind a place to rest, I managed to get a natural high from my investment in the arts.

From getting 2.5million views on youtube, to a million reblogs and likes on tumblr, to my writing for short films going to Cannes film festival 10 years ago, I haven't "made" it yet but on my old blogs and my old posts, I remember seeing how my old videos, and my old posts, stuff and gifs I filmed myself getting people wondering "What movie is this form" and not realizing I made and filmed it myself. And back in 2011 my Pumped Up Kicks video going viral and people thinking it was the real music video, fucking youtubed deleted/blocked it at 2.5 million views but man, I still got my sights on directing, just life and loss got in the way.

But it's given me days and triumphs to look back on, and be proud of who I am, self-esteem and self-love is an underrated thing. Even with my trauma, I've had coping mechanisms that aren't self-destructive and will end up killing me, not in the way I see people, dying in slo-mo, going into withdrawals from lack of their drug of choice, no family, no love, no future. I get tired and angry of living around the depressing, uninspiring broken hearted street corner felines, but I know deep down they're dealing with shit I could never even imagine or want to, and I'm glad I don't have to deal with demons or the ruin their lives have turned into.

But what answer, what solution is there to pain? To loneliness? To trauma? What is there to the mind and all the demons that haunt the human soul, the heart? The memories that continue to force these poor fuckers to relive and relive and relive, killing them over and over and over. Time is a flat circle, it's true, and as long as you can remember, each day you'll relive that moment that broke you, that turned you into who you are today, over and over.

Be glad, and be grateful, take inventory. Cause you'll hate to learn the hard way, and in 3 fucking weeks, you could be sucking your soul out through a glass bubble pipe or plunging your own demise through a needle 12ML plunger. You'll be okay, it'll be okay, just gotta remember some people can never look back on that good day some of us have, on that good memory, on that fucking day where you were on top of the world, where you were the fucking man, I forget and get ungrateful, not realizing how fucking lucky I am, and realizing that some people never have that one day, that one memory to relive to realize their worth.

Your memories are who you are, and some of us got nothing but gold for memories, while some of us got nothing but pain and rot.

[fang-wife]

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voyeur | m. izuku 

➳ tags ;; sub!izuku, dom!reader, watching hentai together?, reader is mean and nice </3, quirkless college au!izuku, corruption kink/religious guilt, unprotected sex/creampies, established relationship, afab reader

➳ wc ;; 2.1k

➳ a /n ;; @/sems-diarie made a post abt this a while ago n my brain wouldn’t let it be so. here we are </3 

➳ plot ;; izuku didn’t sneak you into your dorm to watch.. this with you. but he has a habit of letting you do what you like. 

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This is embarassing. 

He knows this is embarassing - more embarassing than he really cares to admit to. He should really know better by now then to let you do as you please. You’re always stringing him along with your schemes and plans and he loses sight of his morals. His standards. 

Then again, he doesn’t have any at this point. The point of him paying for this single dorm was so that he could have space to focus. It wasn’t to sneak you in when his R.A. wasnt looking. Even more then that, it wasn’t to do.. whatever this was. 

It’d be one thing if he was having sex. That’s a normal thing to do in college, to sneak your partner in and smash. But you’re you, and all you ever seem to have planned for him are hair-brained schemes. It’s what this feels like - when you sit on his twin size bed and pat the empty space next to you. The distrust in his expression makes you laugh.. He sighs and does what you’ve asked. 

“What’re you doing?” 

He sounds exasperated. You laugh - too pleasantly for him to be comfortable. You type something into the search bar. Green eyes widen, skin warm and blushing. 

“Wh-what’re you doing?” 

You laugh as you prop the computer on the bed. You grin at him, tucking yourself under his arm. The website mocks him, all black background and animated women with huge tits covering the screen edge to edge. 

“You know something, after you’re done using incognito mode - you’re supposed to switch out to regular search, you know,” you explain. Your hand rests on his thigh. Deku freezes. 

The sound of your voice has always been something of a vice. It gets a little raspy like this - sultry in a way that has him squirming. He doesn’t know what to do. He can feel the heat of your body. 

“Would you know my surprise when I borrow your phone to look up when the convience store closes,” you inch closer, press further “only to see..” 

He knows what you saw before you announce it. His skin feels like it’s on fire, tuning out whatever description you’ve been giving of what he chose to watch. 

Maybe it was the way he was raised - but he always had such a specific sort of guilt towards pornography. Always told himself he shouldn’t watch things like that, shouldn’t touch himself. Izuku had always been a good, well-behaved boy. Done the right thing even when it was hard. 

Meeting you had changed that, changed him. He found his body craving you when he couldn’t control it and he ended up here - watching porn and jerking off with his shirt in his mouth. It’s all come back to haunt him, really. 

“I’m not mad, y’know,” ― and your tone goes soft - it’s assuring enough that Izuku can whimper out an okay, but you’re not done ― “I’m just curious. Can’t we watch it together?,” 

“That’s ― !” 

You flutter your lashes him. 

“That’s?” 

He has a million words that he can say. That he should say. Bad, wrong, immoral. Words that belong at the end of the sentence to describe what he’s doing with you and what he’s considering. 

None of that comes out. 

“That’s.. too much” 

You grin at him. 

“Do you not want too?” 

“..I didn’t say that, it’s just -” 

Your hand squeezes his thigh until your stiletto's dig into them. Your mouth trails his jaw with hot, open mouth kisses until your turning his head to face you. A hand splayed on his face, tongue deep in his mouth. French kissing makes him pant - hands twitching eagerly to touch you. He watches, dazed - the spit trail of saliva that stretches between you two. 

He’s so easy, it’s cute. You press forward with a chaste kiss. 

“Show me what you were watching, Izuku,” 

His hand trembles as he leans forward. He remembers the title - doesn’t know if that’s good or bad. Within seconds, it shows up and he clicks. You lean forward too, observing the tags with a small smile on your face. 

“Milf, NTR, Gangbang,” 

“S-stop reading them!” 

You giggle. 

Without warning - you press play. Izuku finds himself frantic. Worried about the sound, the time, all of it - but you don’t seem to care. The AD comes on and you skip that too. It’s on. A familiar arousal blooms in his chest, the memory of what he’d seen appearing. You settle between his legs, your back pressed to his chest. You bring his hands around your waist.

“Let’s watch ~” 

Izuku face twists with displeasure. The plot nothing to ride home about - a lonely housewife goes out to a club and finds someone to take care of her needs. At first it’s just one stranger at the club - then two, then she’s surrounded and its too much. 

Izuku assumes you’re gonna find him disgusting, but when he looks at your face - you’re smiling, heart-beating in your chest. His eyes blow wide when you take his hand between your legs. You’re wet and you’re letting him touch you and he’s trying his hardest not to show how much he’s shaking. 

A little sigh of pleasure leaves your mouth when Izuku very carefully rubs your clit. It throbs under the pressure of big fingers - you hold his wrist and moan. He can hear the porn in the background but it doesn’t serve to distract him from you. 

“You want me to go n’ get fucked by a bunch of strangers, ‘zuku?” 

He shakes his head furiously. 

“Then you just like watching depraved shit, huh?” 

Unable to argue with you or with the the way his cock twitches and jumps in his jeans, he opts to whine. You can feel his it against your lower-back, the little wet-spot that presses to your thin tshirt. He’s too turned onto think properly - watching the way your body jerks and twitches. 

The woman on screen is stuffed to the brim with cock - it’s all over exaggerated he knows, but he thinks that’s why he likes it. Maybe he just likes the idea of fucking someone that stuffed fulled of cum, how it leaks and pours onto every surface and the way her cunt just seems to take it. And Izuku is such a good, well behaved boy - it’s never crossed his mind to think about doing it to you. 

And no, he doesn’t really want to see you get fucked by so many men but if there were more than one of him he’d be more than inclined to let you. His chest feels tight forgetting to breath. 

He thinks maybe you’re some kind of witch because you always seem to know what he wants before he does. The right way to push all of his buttons. 

“Oh, I see’ ― and he’s afraid of whatever words come out of your mouth next ― “you wanna fuck me full of your cum, Izuku? Wanna know how it feels raw?” 

He moans - loud and shameless and needy against your ear. A breathless laugh leaves your mouth because that’s exactly what he wants. He wants to fuck you full of cum, just picturing how good it might feel. 

You sit up on your knees and bend over a little - pulling short-shorts beneath the curve of your ass and thickest parts of your thigh. Your panties are drenched, clinging to your folds. He inhales sharply, frozen till as you lean forward - pulling them to one side. 

“Take your cock out ‘n fuck me then, baby” ― you challenge, dark and dangerous. Everything about you is so sinful and too tempting for him to ignore. His cock aches ― “Do your best”  

His body moves before he has a proper chance to feel shame. Whatever devils been whispering in his ear (read: you) has won whatever leftover dignity he has left. Without a proper word, his cock stands to attention. His hands are fidgety but they mange to settle on your waist. He guides you down on his dick, bottom lipped pulled between his teeth hard enough to draw blood. 

“Oh, fuck” 

He’s going to cum right away if he doesn’t take a breather. This is the first time he’s feeling you, and it feels so much better than he could understand. The lingering thoughts of the dangerous act silence by how tight and how wet and how willing your pussy is for him. The way your walls twitch - ache shamelessly around his cock. He’s fucking sliding in and out of you - it feels like a special privilege he’s done nothing to earn.

He’s shivering, over and over. When he looks down, he’s not all the way in. He’s not sure if he’s praying to god for the right reason - for forgiveness. All he can think about is how good it feels to be inside and how he absolutely doesn’t want to do anything else. 

“How’s it feel, Izuku?” 

He groans at the sound of your voice, the way you clench down on him and stretch so tightly around his shaft. He’s too wrapped up in the feeling of your cunt - like heaven and silk. 

“F-feels so, so good” 

Part of you thinks you should ride him, but another part of you is more interested in seeing how he fucks you. You snap the laptop closed and push it to the other side of the bed, before flipping around and laying on your back. His cock slips out and he snaps into reality - the way you have your legs in the air and your arms out. 

“I’ll let you fuck me as many times as you want today,” ― your legs reach and wrap around his waist, easily forcing his cock back inside ― “go on,” 

Izuku is a mess, really. His pants are only half-way pulled down and he’s wearing a nerdy graphic t-shirt. He’s borderline in hysterics over how good your pussy feels and can’t do anything other than thank you repeatedly and fuck you with an animalistic need. It’s clumsy like you’d expect, but he makes up for it with sheer enthusiasm. 

His cock is long and pretty - hits every spot you need it too. Izuku fucks you with shallow, sloppy thrusts - so needy and chasing his orgasm. Selfish and inexperienced. Every time he pushes forward, you can feel he’s throbbing. Aching to cum inside and unload. 

You reach a hand between the two of you to finish on your own time - planning on cumming before him. He doesn’t seem to care. 

“Ngh, ohh my god, feel’s’good” 

“Yeah? Gonna cum inside me, handsome? Makin’ such a pretty face for me” 

His stomach churns at the way you call him pretty. It sounds so sweet and adoring - but he knows that you’re a bully. He knows that about but fucks you with all his strength anyways - overly frustrated and fucked out of his mind by the feeling. Like a drug. He likes you so much he feels stupid over it. 

“Yeah, yeah ‘m gonna” 

Your own orgasm washes over you in a pleasant wave, squeezing his cock with force. He gasp and goes faster - all the thoughts washed away from his head. He needs to finish more than he needs anything. More than he needs to sleep for his 6am work-out and 8am class. More than he needs to be quiet because the walls of his dorm are paper thin. More than he needs to exercise self-control, he needs to cum so fuckin bad. 

“Look at me,” 

He follows your command, like always - and you look amused and fucked out just like he is. And Izuku has really never been this into anyone before so seeing you evokes feelings he can’t understand. 

“Oh, fuuck“ 

Briefly he understands that he really just came by looking at you, but nothing really makes sense to him. His eyes are heavy and he’s drooling onto your shoulder, spasming and clinging to your body with the most needy little whimpers. It’s so lewd, how he can feel his cum spurt out and coat your insides and his cock. It’s all so sinful but it feels so good, he can’t bring himself to care. 

“So,” ― you smile, full of mischief ― “if you want to be like that, we’ve got a few rounds to go” 

Izuku splutters at your comment and you laugh. He knows you’re not joking and he whines. You really are a bad influence on him. But with the way his cock is twitching to life again.. 

He might not be any better. 

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[rozu-minaki]

Hello🐹 I has a request- some of the MHA/BNHA boys that get hard when his fem!S/O puts on lip gloss? like- the shine that it gives her lips would look so good around his hard cock :)

other details- non-hero!UA and this is NOT to fetishize black people!!! (I'm black anyway)

only if you're comfortable and if requests are open 😊

remember to drink water and eat daily ☺

Omg my first request- okay okay so I’m gonna try my best because this is my first request and full blown drabble post so yea! I wasn’t sure which characters to pick so I just went with the ones I think would fit well with this! As always characters are aged up. Hope u enjoy! And yes requests are open! warnings: basically some smut and some small fluff

Iida: oohhh man this dude did not expect you to put on lip gloss, especially in that pretty pink glittery shade. You two were enjoying your day waltzing around town when you stopped to use a public restroom and while he was outside waiting you had an idea and decided to use an expensive gloss momo had bought you a while back. You slicked it on your lips and walked out innocently as if you didn’t know what you were doin. Iida hadn’t noticed until you started talking about getting some food when he saw those pretty lips and instantly felt his pants become uncomfy. Needless to say, he pulled you into a cafe and shoved you into the bathroom where well you got covered in some Other kinda white substance ;>

Bakugou: you two were expected at a party and as usual you had taken longer then him not our fault the man takes less time to get ready 🙄. Anywho, you had gotten all dolled up in a pretty red dress and black heels. You were just finishing up your makeup when you saw the gloss youve had but never used, so without thought you decided to put it on since the shade was a nice touch to your makeup and outfit. While bakugou was sitting on the couch on his phone he heard the bedroom door cream open and the clicks of your heels walking over. He finally looked up from his phone to ask if your dumbass was finally ready when he stopped mid sentence to see those pretty red lips. So he stood up, slung you over his shoulder and carried you back into the bedroom you came from, party long forgotten.

Izuku: Today was yours and Izukus date as a 1 year anniversary so you wanted to go all out. Pretty outfit pretty hair pretty everything. You used all your favorite makeup products including that signature glittery lip gloss you wore only on special occasions. You covered your lips and puckered them up and basically hyped your beautiful ass up cause girlboss obviously. Once you got ready you heard a knock at your door to which you went to anwser and saw izuku in his gorgeous suit and tie and flowers ready in hand. Of course the boy was shy and stumbled over his words to ask if you were ready. You nodded and began to follow him out to the car. You both had a wonderful date however when you two had gotten to his place was when the fun began. You two went inside and basically went at it like rabbits, clothes flying, hands gripping in every place, and that’s when he was ontop of you that he said he did not want that pretty gloss go to waste. Needless to say he woke up with kisses all over him especially in the lower region <3

Todoroki: Shoto being the sweet boy he was planned a little getaway to a flower field since he knew you both were interested in nature and such. He had gotten ready first and while waiting for you he took a small nap to rest up before the long drive there. You on the otherhand had different plans. You had prepared a cute cottage core like outfit with light makeup and some added on freckles, you were trying to go for a fairy/elf look. So obviously you wanted to look glowy and mysterious and what better shimmery thing to use then lip gloss. You put on your favorite shimmery pink tint one and was on your way to wake up sho. When you did though he just sat and stared for a moment before asking “Did I die or something why is there an angel in front of me???” You had giggled and thanked him for the compliment (though he actually thought you were) and got him up and you two were on your way to the flower field. Needless to say you got railed in a very pretty setting with lip gloss smudged all over shotos face and body.

Kirishima: Kirishima had been watching you do your makeup for a while now, just admiring your features before and after and enjoying every second of it. He had said his occasional yet meaningful compliment everytime you did a new part of the makeup but when he saw you grab the one weakness product he was done for. You hadn’t noticed for a while now but whenever you used that gloss it drove Kiri mad. The way he only pictured your pretty lips rapped around his red riot dick with your eyeliner smudged just made the man go insane with lust. He had been staring for a while now so when you asked if he was alright all he could say was “ please let me fuck you” to which you were surprised but happily agreed and let him do what he had been fantasizing about everytime you wore that dammed gloss.

Shinsou: It was a date set at a cat cafe obviously. You two had been snuggling cats and sipping coffee for a while now when you realized your gloss had lost its touch so you reapplied it and that’s when he saw it in all its glory, oh how he wished you had been under him whining about how it was to much and that all he could say was that you could take it like a good kitty. He was now in a daze when he felt you poke his cheek and he just smirked and began to whisper seductive words in your ear and you just had to play it cool since others were around, only allowing the occasional blush and whine here and there. When you two got home however was when the real fun began and his fantasy became a reality.

Ack! I’m so sorry this is so bad- it’s like 1am rn and this isn’t proofread so if theres any mistakes or anything you’d like changed or someone added please let me know as I’m open to (kind) criticism! I hope you enjoyed none the less though thanks for the request love <3

[remcycl333]

you don’t need to be happy to be manifest!! but...

who doesn’t want to be happy?

(long post alert, sorry in advance lol. but please read it all the way through, i really think it’ll be worth it<3)

ok, to preface this, you don’t need to be happy to manifest. i’ve manifested great, positive things while i was in depressive episodes. i manifested wonderful things with tears streaming down my face. BUT, i think something a lot of people overlook is that it’s really beneficial to feel positively about your desires.

this is something i realized a few months ago, saw great results from, and then forgot all about and, well, stopped seeing the progress i wanted. but i’m back on track now, don’t you worry.

(i’m going to be using the example of my sp, bc that’s what i have the most experience with, but this applies to literally anything u r manifesting) 

i’ve made a few other posts saying pretty much what i’m about to say in this next paragraph, so if you’ve already read those, i’m sorry for repeating myself. just bear with me lol. 

so i came to a realization a few months ago--and i don’t exactly remember how i came to this realization--that i kind of...hated my sp? like i fucking resented him. and i was like, wait a minute, that’s not right. i love my sp. that’s why i’m trying to manifest him! so why do i feel like this?

i used to focus on manifesting in steps, so naturally the first step was contact. so i’d be affirming all day every day “my sp is texting me right fucking now😡“ (and other variations) and then when he didn’t text me, it’d just make me angry at him. but technically, he didn’t even do anything wrong?? sure he didn’t text me, but he had no clue he was supposed to? idk it was all complicated and weird. and then when i wasn’t mad that he didn’t text me, i was having arguments with him in my head, preparing for some weird fight that my brain just assumed was going to happen whenever we did get into contact. which is weird, bc my sp and i never fight. like, this is my ex. yet i literally cannot tell you a single fight that we have ever had. we literally get along perfectly. we have never fought (or even argued) once in all the time that we’ve known each other. yet my brain was always fighting him. and it was just, exhausting?

and so one day, when i was troubleshooting, i realized: rem, if you were in a relationship right now with your sp, would u hate him? would u be constantly fighting with him? god i fucking hope not! 

now, what would i be thinking? i’d be laying in bed at night, hugging my pillow, thinking about how much i love him. reflecting on how happy he makes me, how perfect he is, how good he makes me feel. i’d be thinking about how he is the most perfect boyfriend i could ever have asked for. i’d be content after spending a long day with him, excited to spend the next day with him as well. 

and during the day i wouldn’t be wondering why he wasn’t texting me. if anything, i’d be wondering why he was texting me considering we were literally hanging out, together, at that very moment! 

i would trust him. i’d be walking on cloud nine. i’d be content. i’d be...happy. 

now, in no way am i saying that you need to be happy 24/7, or dancing on air, or feeling intense butterflies in your stomach. you’re allowed to have other emotions. you’re allowed to feel anger, you’re allowed to break down and cry! you’re allowed to have bad days. but if you’re feeling these negative emotions about your desire, i want you to try your hardest to release them. i don’t think any of us want to have breakdowns over our manifestations and cry about them, but if it happens, it happens. just pick yourself up afterwards--or stop it before it even really begins, trust me, it gets easier to do this--and maybe do a few deep breaths to calm yourself down, and remind yourself why you’re on this journey in the first place. once again using the sp example, it’s because you love your sp. because they are perfect for you! they make you happy. you love their smile, their laugh, the witty conversations you have with each other. you love being in their arms.  you love when they’re in your arms! they did something that made you fall in love with them, or want to be in a relationship with them. what was it? focus on that. 

enough with the sammy ingram (i could go on a whole rant about her) style affirmations. with the “he’s going to fucking text me, he has no choice, he’s my fucking boyfriend and he does what i say.” like....ew?? i used to say shit like this, and it was really what started making me resent my sp. i was ordering him around in my head, creating this weird dynamic between us (which, he wasn’t even aware was there), and getting mad when he wasn’t doing what i was ordering him to do. looking back, it was borderline psychotic. it was just turning it into me against him, and that’s not what i wanted at all. i want to be in a relationship with him, with mutual love. i don’t want to be his boss, or his mom, or his fucking military sergeant!! (i don’t even know if that was the proper term bc fuck the military, but u guys know what i mean lmfaooo)

(disclaimer if u use these types of affirmations and they work for you, go for it. but i used them for a while and they just weren’t it for me. carry on)

i guess what i’m trying to say is, those affirmations weren’t making me feel good. they weren’t making me feel like a “boss ass bitch”. they were making me feel...like a bitch. and strangely, powerless. i’d say these affirmations, or just bland ones where i wasn’t necessarily demanding my sp to throw himself at my feet and kiss my shoes and tell me he is nothing without me, and ultimately, if i wasn’t feeling resentment, i was feeling...nothing. 

once again, i want to make this so so so clear, you don’t need to be happy to manifest. but my belief? if your affirmations aren’t making you feel joy, or excitement, or contentment, then what’s the fucking point? if you think of your desire, and don’t feel positive feelings about it, then you might have lost your way a little. 

don’t worry!! it’s an easy fix. easy, and even...fun? rewarding? comforting? i just want you to take some time--laying in bed at night is the perfect time to do this in my experience--to think about why you want your desire so badly. do you want money? think of how great life is going to be once you have it. of all the stuff you’re going to buy, for yourself, and maybe even for others. don’t focus on the problems you want to fix with it right now. think of that clothing item you’ve had your eye on, or that book you’ve been wanting to read but haven’t felt like “wasting” money on. think of how excited you are to buy those things, because you’re going to! think of the good. not the bad.

remember: you create more of what you focus on. focus on the good, get the good. focus more on the bad...get more of the bad. 

your manifestation is done. it is created. it is on it’s way to you. it is here! all there’s left to do is feel excited. it’ll be here any moment now, how fucking exciting is that! it’s safe for you to be happy. it’s safe for you to focus on the feelings you would have if you had it, rather than focus on affirming specifically to bring it to you. it is safe to be happy. 

i used to affirm solely for contact, all day every day, and sometimes i’d get it. but it’d be short lived, my sp would be distant, etc. but then once i started focusing on truly living in the end and basking in my love for my sp, thinking about how perfect and amazing he is, i not only got contact (without having to specifically affirm for it), but he was actively engaged in our conversations, making up new topics to keep the conversation going, asking me about and expressing interest in my hobbies and interests, bringing up and reminiscing on old memories of our previous relationship, complimenting me, flirting with me, asking me to hang out, etc. shit i was not getting when i was “he is so fucking in love with me and he’s texting me right fucking now”-ing all day long. i started focusing on how amazing and perfect and good to me he was, and that’s exactly what i got in my reality. who would’ve thunk? 

and you know what? yeah, he fucking loves me. he misses me and he wants to be with me. but that’s a given. but that doesn’t fucking matter. i am the only person who matters in my reality!! sure he loves me, but do i love him??? that’s what the universe wants to know. that’s what truly fucking matters. the universe brings me my desires. so i’m gonna fucking desire it! 

guys, please trust me on this. just try it out, with whatever you’re manifesting. this could be what you’re missing. this could bring your manifestation to you. i promise, if you’re like i was and feel resententment or anger or hatred towards your desire, this is going to make you feel so fucking good. just stick with this for a week or two. i promise, you’ll see movement.

and remember, there is no one to change but self. don’t change them (or it), change your perception of them (or it). 

let’s make manifesting fun again!!! it’s the perfect tool to bring happiness into your life. so fucking let it!!!! 

so no, you don’t need to be happy in order to manifest. but....maybe, just maybe, prioritizing your happiness isn’t such a bad thing. i mean, who doesn’t want to be happy?

[crayonsandclovers]

Hey, I have a genuine question here.

TW: drugs and suicide thoughts mentioned

I'm hanging in a group of friends on our little discord server - there are two groups of dnd players and some of our other friends who don't play too, so not a big community, but 23 people just hanging out and having fun. And there's that one person.

They're autistic and they sound like a low empathy person. And they're also really, really mean to people. It started back when we only hanged out in the first dnd group (let's call it group A). They:

were extremly focused on making our server a safe space, but at the same time they made it terrible for everyone else (even forcing guys with administrator powers to time out others and themselves as in a big community server instead of talking)

calls people fucked up names and even when told to not do that because it's mean and makes others feel terrible they keep doing that because either " but they called me a child!" or "they're just bad as me!!!!" (they weren't)

said that people who smoked weed at least once in their lives are "fucking narcos" and that all the people who do drugs dont deserve to live and should die. They kept saying this despite one friend being visibly disturbed by it and saying that she has other friends fighting addiction. they said they don't understand what it changes.

when we had a big ai discussion and i said that i dont neccesarly think ai is that bad (i had my opinions and some of them got changed, but this isn't the post about it) they yelled at me and called me a monster, a murderer and much more terrible names to the point my suicidal thoughts came back for a short period of time (but they did and that sucked)

constantly states that person who is a friend of a guy who made the bigger server for "only being there because you're friends with moderation!!!!" and calls out their nepotism (when she's genuinely a nice person and we all met on a festival the problem person here wasn't"). One time to the point that person had a panic attack.

Once he got mad that someone from the group chat said they can't wait for a series on Disney+ so bad that he started yelling at them "A KILLER! A MURDERER!" and other fucked up names because they thought that person bought a service and supports israel, but in reality they just reedeemed a code for a free month and were just too scared of the guy to say anything. When I went to dms of that autistic person to talk with them about being way too harsh on the other one, we spent 2 hours just for them to state that they didn't do anything wrong and that "you achieve more with people by fear than by talking".

when one person mentioned that they saw some birds in the park ("i don't know what are these, i dont care about races") the autistic person called them rasist and started comparing them to hitler? i don't remember now, but some dictator and we had to spend 3 hours explaining them that calling someone racist without a reason is a shitty thing to do but they only oblige because the entire server approached them about it even their closest friend.

every problem they take personally, even if it isn't and we usually have to spend multiple hours to explain them this

after calling someone a murderer, monster, or other they talk on a different text chat like nothing is going on and they're still best friends with others, even the people who they accuse of terrible things like 30 seconds ago

and many many more...

The problem is that they always say they dont understand where lays the problem and why are we making the fuss about it all. Recently it got so bad that we discuss banning them from the server once and for all because most of all the people feel either uncomfortable or straight up terrified of this guy. We try to explain things to them in a really patiently, and for some time it worked but they're still calling people awful names and then refuse to apologize because they didn't do anything wrong in their eyes. They make fuzz out of anything and it's hard to say something without them yelling and being awful to others.

We know they have autism and we respect that, that different autistic people have different autistic traits (because they're not the only autistic person in the group). They are going to therapy and say they acknowledge their communication problems. But I don't feel this should like this. That around 20 people fears one guy and then we call all of ius friends. And honestly I struggle with telling if they're like this because they're autistic or if they're like this because they're toxic. (i'm not saying being toxic = being autistic, but i am saying that they express toxic behaviors and i genuinely wonder if they have autistic source or toxicity)

Please, if you have any ideas on how to speak with them so they can understand they're wrong and stop being like this, let me know. I know it's a long post but we are desperate.

Can we please normalize some people not having empathy, or having low empathy.

Sorry that the low to no empathy neurodivergent person doesn't understand why they should apologize for your dog dying. Sorry that they don't see how it's their fault. Maybe you should've asked to vent too, because I know your ass didn't.

[lysung]

happy first times - bang chan

you and bang chan's daughter comes back home from school earlier than expected and started acting weird, as if she's hiding something.

A/N: hi hi! sorry for being so inactive, uni had me messed up the whole year :( anyways. it's been quite some time since i wrote and posted anything in here, and i haven't been practicing english often either, i'm not sure if i'm doing anything right in here but i hope it's understandable and enjoyable 😭 also, i'm not sure how things work where you live, but at the elementary school where i studied, if you weren't feeling well, felt lots of pain or anything like this, and no one were home to get you back home, someone specific would drop you home. i wrote this based on this vague memory. you can pretend this happens where you live too if it doesn't lol and a fun fact: i've been struggling trying to pay attention to stuff that i wondered if my mind was still working properly, and after watching a clip of chan talking about periods, i was more than sure it was working very well 🥴. took the chance to write this.

genre: fluff

cw: overflowing cuteness, bang chan being the best man ever you'll ba your eyes out because you still can't believe someone this precious exist.

reader's gender is neutral! your daughter can be biological or adopted if you want to, all up to you! feel comfortable <3

this wasn't proofread because it's literally 6am when i'm posting this and maybe i didn't sleep at all just to finish this, but i'll try to remember to do so later today! pls tell me if you find any mistake too <3

hope you guys enjoy it! requests are open ✨

----------------------------------------------------

[09:50]

today is a sunny, fresh and bright day. bang chan, your husband, is taking some time off after his promotions were finally over. although you still had to go to work, today's the day when you're supposed to leave earlier. today just couldn't feel any better than this.

while waiting for you, chan was watching tv until he hears a noise coming from the front door. immediately he thought you would be home, but got confused as he saw your daughter coming in by herself.

- baby? what are you doing here this early? you're supposed to be at-

- iknow, i know. one of my teachers had to leave earlier today and she left me here, because you just wouldn't pick up your phone... — she cut him off with a sad and tired gaze, and chan instantly regretted leaving his phone so far from him earlier.

- ohhhh, i'm sorry so sorry my angeeel — he hugged her while carressing her hair, and she just responded with a quiet yet lovely "it's okay, dad" — but are you okay? what happened that you had to come back home this early?

- i just... don't feel good, my stomach aches way too much... but you don't have to worry, they just- they told me to take some medicine and rest for today — she explained, her voice crackling a bit, as if she was looking for the right words and was about to cry.

chan noticed her unusual behaviour and expressions. at first, he didn't intend to tell her about it or get mad, and just decided to pay extra attention for the rest of the day. as she distanced herself from him, he notices something else - the vivid red stain on her pants, on the inner side of her legs.

reality never hit him this hard. both of you were aware she was growing up, that's just how tome works, but once again, time felt like flying. as if watching her taking her first steps, saying her first words, making her first dawings and friends... everything felt like it hadn't been this long. every moment felt like a blessing. everything gives you two a specific feeling that probably no one will ever be able to put in perfect words.

chan felt his eyes tearing up as so many memories flashed one after another, finding himself at loss of words from the insane mix of feelings.

she turned to him to ask for something, just to find him with his head down, coverig his own face with one hand, sobbing quietly. the feeling of rgret instantly filled her up, as she was still confused and scared, fearing bad things to happen. she was so afraid and ashamed that she could barely tell or show it to anyone at school. but she calms down as she hears his words noticeably filled with love:

- my baby... i love you so much. but do you know what's happening to you now? — chan got closer to his precious daughter to hold her face with his hands and stare deeply into her eyes.

- ah, n-no... it's nothing bad, right? everything is gonna be fine, right? — she asked, fear still clear on her eyes and voice.

- no, it's nothing bad. you're just growing up and this is completely normal for you. i'll grab you a cup of warm water, sit down and i'll tell you everything i know about it. but relax, you're fine, baby. — he calmed her down while trying to control his proud smile, and ended with a kiss on her forehead before leaving, taking a little longer as expected to get a bag of warm water as well.

sat down next to each other, she drank her water calmly as she listened to her dad. she always knew how understanding chan can be, but this sudden situation made every kind of thought come to her head to the point nothing from the outside world would get in or make sense to her. yet, each and every word that came out of him would tranquilize her more and more. he felt like heaven to her, and she couldn't feel any more safer and happier with her precious dad.

while she showered and changed, chan left to buy meds and chocolate, hoping it would make her feel at least a little bit better. he spent the next few hours taking care of her as much as possible - making hot chocolate for her, listening to everything she wanted to say, watching her favorite series with her, massaging her wherever it hurted, trying his best to make her feel as comfortable as possible.

- honey, i'm home! — you announced happily after a long and exausting day. work felt endless and you couldn't wait to eat a little bit and sleep a little more. you were about to say something more, until you found the loves of your life sleeping next to each other on your sofabed, a movie playing on the tv, mugs on the tables next to them - a cute, calm smile on your sleeping daughter's face.

you went to the kitchen to grab water and noticed a paper on the table, which said "don't be scared, she's growing up faster than we thought and had her period at school today. she's fine! sorry for not telling you earlier. love you!"

you watched them sleep a little bit more. it was the best view you could have - your incredible and beautiful family. the moment also made you tear up a little bit, but it didn't take long for you to hold it and lay with them. it was unfortunate that you couldn't take care of your daughter as well, but there was nothing to worry or feel upset about. you knew both you and your daughter would be safe and sound if you have bang chan - the best friend, husband, dad and person.

you two couldn't love him any more than this.

[go-learn-esperanto]

hi so i just saw ur lrb, and i just wanted to ask. imma be writing c!niki in a fic soon, and i havent written her pov before. i want to do her justice, do u have any like. things i should remember when writing her, things to avoid, that sort of thing? i like to think i understand her character, but i have a feeling that i might have understood her character, if u get what i mean. i did, but its been a while, so im not sure if i do anymore. alg if not!! hope ur having a good day <3

I am so very sorry for answering so late.

Dear, I'm not the C!Niki authority. I am definitely not the best person to ask.

The think I'll recommend is to not give in the Girlboss aspect. The "oh when she meets Wilbur she's gonna punch him because she's a baddass" takes are definitelly not my favourite since her hatred for Wilbur is a bit of an unhealthy way of coping, specially when some of the reasons why she's mad at him are something that or weren't completely Wilbur's fault (like literally being mad because he ended his own life)... I would argue that her actions towards C!Tommy are not great either. With her trying to kill him and all.

And then there's when she set fire to the L'Mantree on Doomsday.

And when she let C!Dream escape prison...

Of course she is hurt and she's allowed to be hurt! However we should acknowledge that she can be wrong and that maybe her doing all that destruction is not something to celebrate.

Niki was know in the L'Manburg era for being kind, a pacifist. She loved L'Manburg for the community. The fact that it got to a point that she made something to harm it really shows how bad her state of mind was.

For me I think it would need a lot of conversation and patience to help her, but I also don't think she's doing any of this for malice of course.

It's like C!Wilbur. Sometimes they hurt others because they themselves are very hurt, and in reality they don't want to do it and might regret it afterwards.

One frustration we have right now is that C!Niki has yet to realise that what she's done wasn't good. I would think her capable of doing so, but honestly, the syndicate was not making the things better with their views on violence.

Very sadly the Syndicate storyline won't probably be able to continue for obvious reasons, but you can of course explore it in your writing.

I am not able to word this the best way, but I would highly recommend reading @/tobi-smp's posts about Niki so you can understand the problems with writing her character. He words everything better then I could I ever could.

[enifo-talks]

Okay so this got me really thinking why do people hate on Scott more and I think I have some answers (btw I haven't watch pearl and scott pov in double life for a long time so I might get some things wrong pls correct me if I do, also I'm writing this at midnight so watch out for grammar mistakes)

1:

I think one of the reasons is that pearl was sleep deprived and scott wasn't when all of this was happening, so pearl was making some decision she wouldn't normally make, this made viewers kinda brush of some of pearl's actions but not Scott's actions.

2:

As you mentioned the whole torturing the soulmate thing they had going on, Scott suggested the idea to Cleo (I think) the second the video started which showed Scott has been planning this before the episode started. Contrast to Scar suggested the idea to pearl in the middle of the episode. So because Scott did it first, that it seemed like he planned it, and was the one to suggest it, the fandom is going to be way more harder on him (+ hypocrisy for getting mad at pearl for torturing Scott after he did it to pearl but it is understandable since she was doing it a lot on episode 2)

3:

Scott was just mean to like everyone, there a reason why his team name with Cleo was mean girls. Scott was mean to the ranchers by stealing their goats, he was mean to everyone by trying to break them up, like you said Scott was mean to pearl by running around calling her a crazy ex, and probably a lot more I missed. While pearl was actually nice to everyone (-Scott) especially to Jimmy (she was the only one willing to help him get a horn and give him Oreo for free) I think in the final that's like the only time when she was mean and when she stole Joel chest plate but she was planning on giving it back sooo.(I think she was nice, I'm not sure, but she was 100 times nicer than Scott) This will make people see Scott more like a jerk since he isn't only mean to pearl but to everyone too, while pearl is just mean to Scott (sometimes Cleo but Cleo usually starts it).

4:

Viewers just felt bad for pearl. She been casted out, called wicked, an omen of death and a demoness, she keeps losing her allies the second she gets them and when she has them they are just using her, she was so alone, tilly died, everyone acts and calls pearl crazy which led her to be crazy, and so much more. Scott? Uh hold on lemme think... Pearl was with martyn in episode one and...uh yea that is basically about it. People just felt more bad for pearl and excuse her actions because she had a much better reason to do them than Scott did. Also because of pearl being alone and casted out some people saw themselves in pearl and people don't like seeing themselves in a negative light.

5:

Scott gaslighting ren, I put this into it's own category because it stand out to me and I think a lot of people ignore this. Scott didn't need to help gaslight ren into thinking pearl stole ren and bigb stuff when it was Scott and Cleo, there was no reason to do this, to put this blame on pearl. They could've choosen anyone but pearl. It makes the viewers feel like Scott and Cleo are internally picking on pearl (when in reality she was just the second closest person). This mixed with Scott gossip makes it look like Scott made pearl alone on purpose (Scott probably wanted the opposite tbh) giving us less sympathy for Scott and more for Pearl.

(REMEMBER WE ARE TALKING ABOUT C!SCOTT AND C!PEARL NOT THE CCS!!)

Martyn is just watching all of this happen like it wasn't mainly his fault (honestly my number one dream team is pearl and martyn, I was so mad they didn't stay with each after the break up)

If something doesn't make sense just ask me since like I said I wrote this at midnight, ill answer when I wake up

I never did one of these things before so sorry if it is a bit confusing, for some reason this post was just on my mind for my whole day

Was originally going to write this as a comment elsewhere, but uh. Have some thoughts on Double Life Scott and Pearl. This may be slightly controversial? If you disagree that's fine by me, we're all entitled to our own opinions, especially on topics with nuance! I usually find people going way too easy on Double Life c!Pearl and too hard on Double Life c!Scott. Was Scott a good person? A good soulmate, for that matter? No! But Pearl wasn't those things either. They were mutually abusive to one another throughout the season. I will say that I think Pearl was less bad, but there are so many people who just... completely dismiss Scott's end of things.

Scott: Caused harm to himself to harm Pearl (though at a consistently safe time to do so, at the start of the session, via a single axe crit), and spoke about Pearl quite awfully (calling her his "crazy ex", etc.) Pearl: Caused harm to herself (far more sporadically than Scott, via "tickles" from the powdered snow every now and then), and took unnecessary risks just because she could

Honestly, I don't blame Scott for "abandoning" her in the beginning. Like, for him, it would have been a reasonable assumption that she and Martyn would continue to stick together. Scott wasn't leaving her alone, he was leaving her with Martyn, choosing instead to stay with Cleo--the one who actually stuck by him while their soulbounds were off in the nether doing who knows what (which turned out to be gathering resources, even though the main resources you might want to go to the nether for, potion making supplies, are useless in a season where potions are banned). Scott is not to blame for Martyn's agency. It was Martyn who decided to blame Pearl (even though the big problem, the nether trip, was his idea), it was Martyn who left her alone. (Also, it may be worth mentioning that I'm pretty sure it was Cleo's idea for her and Scott to stay together? Please correct me if I'm wrong on that, again it's been a while.) (EDIT: Cleo did in fact suggest it! They said "We should form an alliance against them." It was a little bit of a joke, but they both seriously agreed to it. Still worth noting that it was Cleo's idea for them to stay together.)

Again, I feel the need to emphasize that c!Scott is not a good person. He becomes abusive to Pearl, who also becomes abusive, and they abuse one another from afar. Or when they talk to one another. They are awful to each other. It is a mutual thing, and I find that not enough people acknowledge that. They both suffered as the other's soulbound.

It's really, really important to remember that the Life Series--Double Life especially--is FULL of nuance when you look at it from a storytelling perspective. The Life Series has no real heroes, and no real villains. Only people doing their best to ensure the survival of their team and/or themselves. Scott and Pearl both had thoughts about what was best, and those thoughts clashed this season, leading them to clash with one another.

Really, I think that adds another layer to their ending. Scott, in his way, forgives Pearl through a show of loyalty and fairness he only gives to allies, conceding the true victory to her unprompted, and Pearl in turn forgives Scott. This only happens when there's nothing left but each other. They are finally on the same wavelength again, with no Cleo to sway Scott away from Pearl and no Martyn to deal the final blow to shatter Pearl's heart. It's just Gatekeep and Girlboss, truly together for a brief time, anger and animosity put aside. The Stars welcoming The Moon to join him in the night sky, where they can try again. Tilly death did they part, yes, but in parting they were set free from each other, and they were able to mend their connection on their own terms.

[sheadre]

Careful Hearts (Wang Yibo x Reader) One-shot

Summary: You and Yibo has been only together since half-a-year. Officially. Circling each other and throwing in dates whenever the two of you had time, has been going on way before that. Though the life of an idol and entertainer is not so easy, always on the road, always moving and working.

Word count: 1445

Requested: yes

This was requested by @joscarltiddies : I would love to request something with Yibo like a long distance relationship or him seeing his first newborn.

A/N: The requests are open, you can request! I will try my best to post as soon as I finish the request, it will take a long time because I'm doing the last year at my university and I'm preparing for the final exams. Thank you for understanding! I hope you'll enjoy! <3

Beijing was a busy city. People were hurrying from one place to the other. When you first moved to the big city, you almost got lost before you found the agency you signed with. Back then, as a sixteen years old, everything was scary. You remembered how alone you felt back then.

However, since then so much has changed in your life. You never thought you’d fall in love with one of your co-stars, you always thought that it would be unprofessional. You smiled at the TV which was turned to the channel broadcasting DayDayUp’s new episode. Whenever you saw his handsome face, you couldn’t help but smile. It wasn’t easy to be with someone who was always on the road, always working while you did the same.

The distance and secrecy was making everything exciting though even when it became overwhelming, the two of you soon overcame issues. You’ve never been this love sick, lovey-dovey type of couple. Yibo has always been brutally honest, kept teasing you and never backed off from arguments. His love showed through how open and confident he was around you.

Then a text came, your phone chiming.

Yibo: You still up?

You: Yep, just finished shooting. How was your day?

Yibo: Tiring… Can you make some time for Mid-Autumn festival? My parents want to invite you over.

You: Are you sure? I don’t want them to get caught up in anything :/ Fans can be crazy.

Yibo: They got used to us dating by now. Won’t be a problem.

You: But don’t get mad at them if things get out of hand. You almost got a lawsuit last time.

Yibo: ┐(シ)┌

You tried and failed not to laugh out loud at that. You remembered how bad the situation was. A year ago, some fans gathered at your hotel and when you exited the building, they started throwing nasty things at you. At that time, Yibo and you only started getting to know each other. Both of you were unsure but the attraction was definitely there.

After that incident, a few months later, male fans called you whore and bitch during a promotion tour. Yibo was there as he was one of the main cast members. In the end, he almost started a fight with one of the male fans. You’ve never seen him so angry before or after.

You sighed heavily as you flopped onto your bed, sleep quickly engulfing you.

The next morning ~

The beeping of your alarm woke you from your peaceful slumber, groggily rubbing your eyes, you yawned. It was gonna be a long day. You dressed up casually, quickly packing your bag before you made your way to the studio.

Recording was not tiring for the body but was tiring for the mind. You spent hours upon hours perfecting the notes and recording over and over again if you missed a note.

By the time you had time for lunch, it was already three pm. You promised Yibo, you’d take care of yourself and eat properly, but the hectic life you lived didn’t help with that.

“Have you had lunch yet?” a familiar voice asked, startling you. Looking up, you spotted Amber Liu. It surprised you to see her, she was mostly based in America and Korea. A wide grin plastered across her face as she took in your shocked expression. “Don’t look at me like I grew another head!”

“I-I’m sorry! I- Amber!” you ran to her happily, hugging her. It has been a long time since you saw her in the reality show you both were cast as mentors. You were fast friends from day one.

“Haha, I missed you too” she grinned. “Do you want to grab lunch? I’m famished!”

“Let’s get something to eat then!” you grabbed your bag and followed her out. The two of you forgot about time as both of you shared stories since you last saw each other. You were happy that she was doing great and her career was in full swing. Her enthusiasm about her projects was giving you a warm feeling in your chest. You were always happy for your friends’ success.

Amber kept teasing you about your boyfriend and how sickly sweet all the pictures about the two of you were. Many people thought that it was all just a publicity stunt, others thought Yibo was only pretending to be in a relationship with you because he was trying to hide his true relationship with Xiao Zhan. You had no idea why everyone was still onto that. You got that they truly had good chemistry on screen but that is something that comes with acting. In order to get into character, you have to get closer to your co-star, a connection must be formed. If someone cannot separate their private life from their professional one, then they shouldn’t be entertainers.

People thought it was only a publicity stunt because of how cold the two of you seemed in most of the photos and how no affection was shown publicly. It was only because Yibo and you were more in a relationship that was about best friends attracted to each other on a higher level, connecting mentally and spiritually. You never felt the need to show affection in public or claim him as yours. You weren’t the jealous type and trusted him fully, he did the same with you.

“So will there be a wedding anytime soon?” Amber asked, quirking an eyebrow making you almost choke on your mouthful of food.

“We only got together officially half a year ago…” you made a face. “We’ve been careful, you know? It’s just that both of us have burnt ourselves before and we’re taking everything slowly.”

“I get that… it’s hard to tell what other people want from you once you earn fame and fortune” she made quotation marks for the last two words. Those two things were only seen on the outside. On the inside, most of your closet was something someone else chose for you and most of them were only brand name clothes because those brands wanted you to advertise their products. On the inside, you couldn’t trust anyone easily and had to look behind your back in case someone tried to follow you home or tried to attack you.

“Sometimes I feel insecure about the way things are because I’m afraid of losing Yibo… I love him, but I feel like if I fall too fast, too hard, I’ll hurt myself.”

“You’re afraid to give him your all” Amber nodded with a sad understanding smile. She never showed her love life to the public but there had been a few guys she truly liked during the years. In the end, she decided to not try anything long lasting because of her career and lack of time.

It was midnight when you finally finished with the recording and could head home to bury yourself in the soft covers. You groggily hopped into the car your bodyguard pulled in front of the building. Nelson has been your bodyguard since yoru debut and protected you through hell, he even took a knife for you when a crazy fan attacked. You were terrified and outraged as you saw him bleed through his suit. That made you gift him a protective vest, one of the most expensive ones at that. It came in handy many times later on.

Trudging up the steps to your apartment felt like hours as you tried to stay awake. Fortunately, you had the day off tomorrow because of some incident at the studio where you were to film another episode of the drama you were playing in.

“Baobei” Yibo’s voice rang through the hallway once you reached the top of the stairs. You had to blink a few times to register that he was in fact there, physically standing in front of your door.

“Yibo?” you asked, still stunned. His handsome features broke out in a wide grin, quickly approaching you, he took your bag from you and grabbed your keys.

“Surprise?” he asked, blushing a little. Showing his affection through actions like this, showing up at your door to surprise you, was what made your heart flutter in your chest. Other girls wanted to be together with their boyfriends all the time, get expensive gifts from them, not you though. You were over the moon with getting only a little flower or a single bonbon waiting for you.

You grabbed his hand, lifting it to your lips and pressing a soft kiss to his knuckles.

“I hope you had a safe travel” you smiled as you followed him inside.

End ~

[hawkinsschoolcounselor]

El and Morality

I don’t know about the rest of you, but the latest teaser left me with a feeling of intense dread. We see these kids playing in a seemingly carefree manner, but then Brenner comes walking in. He greets them, and they obediently respond. They’re all very used to it by this point, and they all call him Papa. He claims to have something special for them, but then we cut over to El’s isolation room and hear Brenner asking her if she’s listening.

Why does this fill me with dread? Mainly because the previous teaser showed some similar images to what we see in this one. The 8-ball, for example, is shown on one of the monitors, only it is covered in blood. It leads me to believe that something terrible happened that day. With Brenner asking if El is ready, then the shot of who appears to be El opening her eyes as if from a nightmare, has me wondering if he used her for something that resulted in the deaths of the other kids.

It’s by no means the most likely scenario for this teaser, but it’s where my mind went. The eerie music, the heavy breathing (ostensibly El’s), the fear on El’s face, it sends an ominous message. Is El remembering something from long ago? Is this a new group of kids in Brenner’s new facility? Is it just a nightmare fed with fear and guilt since she couldn’t save anyone? I really don’t know, but the idea that El may have been used to test the “worth” of the other subjects led me down an interesting road. Whether it was a “training exercise” gone wrong or a deliberate “culling” of the weak, I can’t shake the feeling that El did something that she desperately doesn’t want to remember.

If Brenner intended to use these kids to his own ends, then they should hold no allegiance to anyone but him. Emotional attachments to anyone else would be a risk in his eyes. They would need to have total, unquestioning obedience regardless of what he may ask them to do. For El to be the tool he wishes her to be, she would need to not think twice about killing. Brenner would have instilled in her, and the others, a need to garner his approval. This is why he teaches them to see him as a paternal figure instead of a doctor or teacher. We’ve seen him try to get El to kill a cat, but she refused. This upset him. Yet, we also see her have little issue killing in other circumstances. She’s somehow developed a sense of morals despite being manipulated from birth.

Morals are an interesting phenomenon. The entire concept of right and wrong really is subjective when you think about it. It’s a very abstract concept, and the way we think about it changes as we mature. However, it is also heavily influenced by external sources. In this case, Brenner would seemingly have total control over how his “children” learn to evaluate the morality of a given situation. I’ve previously spoken about El’s mental development, and how Brenner would have wanted to nurture certain intellectual domains, but restrict others. Here I want to discuss a similar process with the psychology of morality. Specifically, we will explore how El may have been manipulated into doing something that we, as viewers, would find horrific, yet come to develop a system of morals in spite, or perhaps because, of that.

Lawrence Kohlberg conceptualized the development of morality as coming in 3 levels (Pre-Conventional, Conventional, and Post-Conventional), broken down into 6 stages . These stages are more or less cumulative, as previous stages help pave the way for later ones. There’s no clear-cut ages for these stages, but level 1 generally encompasses early childhood, level 2 is later childhood and adolescence, and level 3 adulthood. The first level contains the more “primitive” or basic moral frameworks, obedience/punishment driven and self-interest driven. This is a level defined by a more egocentric understanding of the world, as it revolves around what’s “good” being what results in a positive consequence, and what’s bad being what results in a negative consequence. For children, this means learning what’s “good” as a result of an external reinforcer(i.e. “Papa) and then developing this into a sense that it can be used for a mutual benefit (”If I do what Papa says, he will be happy, and I will be rewarded.”). Since it’s still a stage defined by self-interest, there is no loyalty here, and such relationships will deteriorate once it is no longer beneficial.

This may have been Brenner’s fatal flaw. Most individuals wouldn’t move onto the Conventional level until adolescence. While these kids may have had some basic sense of loyalty to “Papa” since it’s possibly all they ever knew, it would still be easily shaken. If you offered these kids some candy, they’d probably do whatever you said unless there was enough fear preventing them from doing so. Fear, not loyalty. El was afraid of Brenner. She may have done his bidding for a long time, but it was because his approval meant better treatment, not because his approval was of value in and of itself.

Given El’s age when she escaped, she was on the cusp of adolescence. Thus, she may have been developing some early features of the 3rd stage, which we can call the “good boy/girl” stage. Here, a person would want to be considered “good” for its own sake, and would look to society for what that means. For our purposes here, Brenner and the lab could have been attempting to be the “society” that the kids would judge themselves with. They would evaluate the morality of an action based on how the others would judge them for it. This is possibly where Brenner wanted the kids to be, only with no concept of what good or bad is beyond what he instilled in them.

That may have been something of a clumsy explanation of the relevant stages of morality, but I didn’t want to get too technical. The important things to take away from this is that El’s sense of right and wrong would have largely have been defined by what resulted in her being happy and/or rewarded. She may have wanted Brenner’s approval, but only because it meant good treatment. The problem here is that El may have been getting her needs met elsewhere: the other kids. If we presume, for the sake of argument, that El developed friendships with the other kids, then we could say that these relationships interfered with the total control that Brenner would want. If she gets older and starts caring more about how they feel about her than how Brenner feels, then his power over her weakens. This is where things get potentially scary.

Let’s say Brenner noticed this happening. El is the most promising, and most dangerous, of his subjects. He must maintain total control over her. However, she is very friendly with the other kids, running the risk of developing attachments that would lead to a more conventional morality. So, Brenner sets up a scenario. He isolates El for an extended period of time, possibly even telling her that the other kids accused her of misbehavior. He tells her that they don’t care about her like he does. El, being in those early stages of moral development, starts to see them as bad since they result in her being hurt. In a real world situation, one kid would be able to do something nice for another in this situation to smooth things over, but this isn’t possible with El in isolation. Then comes the day when Brenner has “something special” in mind for the kids. He’ll see if they’re worth the time and effort, while also finding the extent of El’s obedience.

None of this means El is a bad person, as we will generally see kids acting with such selfishness. One kid gets mad at another for stealing their toy, but fifteen minutes later they’re playing together as if nothing happened. However, kids generally don’t have superpowers they can use instead of pushes and mean words. There’s also usually adults around to help mediate such issues, whereas Brenner would probably want to encourage it to ensure they wanted his approval and his alone.

It’s possible that whatever happened that day changed El and Brenner’s entire dynamic. Whether El was responsible for what (possibly) happened or was just made to witness it, it didn’t have the desired effect for Brenner. We later see El reluctant to kill unless it was to protect (or punish). It’s still unclear where that moral distinction came from, but it suggests that she no longer saw Brenner’s approval as beneficial.

What happened after Brenner walked into that room? Why did he ask if El was listening? Is a present day Brenner asking if present day El is listening while she was remembering/dreaming? Or is the voice a past Brenner asking if past El is listening to his instructions? 

Now, this could all be nothing. A good teaser will try to get us hyped up without giving anything important away. The “are you listening” might not even be from that scene at all in reality, or it could just be for the teaser. Still, I thought it a good opportunity for an exploration of morality in someone raised from birth to be a tool or weapon.

Something happened somewhere to make El believe there were right and wrong times to hurt or kill someone, and I just think this may have been a pivotal moment. I think we first see her kill (or at least serious injure) when she breaks out of her isolation cell. That can be explained by her still largely being in the first level of morality. Being in that cell was not in her own best interest, and she reached a point where she didn’t see a way to improve her situation. She may not have intended to kill the orderlies, but it was also not of concern to her. However, we also see her be more deliberate with Troy. First, she merely makes him wet himself, which is a remarkably clever solution. Later, she breaks his arm, but it appeared to only be due to him holding a knife as she simply knocked James down. When it came to the agents or the demogorgon, though, she was prepared to kill again. When she went with Kali to find one of the Lab men, she was ostensibly prepared to kill him until she realized there were kids around. The only pattern I can really see is that she will kill monsters or adults, but she’s reluctant to harm (at least seriously harm) kids or leave them without a caregiver.

I feel like this shows her being caught in between Pre-Conventional and Conventional levels of morality. She’s still largely going off of her own self-interest, but she’s also starting to consider the thoughts and feelings of others, namely her newfound friends. El seems to really want to keep them safe to the point that she risks her own safety. One could say that their approval, particularly Mike’s, is of value to her. She wants them to see her as good, and she attempts to conceal anything that would make her seem “bad” in their eyes, such as the fact that she’s messing with the compass or the fact that she opened the Gate.

We don’t really know how much time would have occurred between the event I hypothesized from the trailer and when El breaks free of the Lab. It’s possible that something happened there to get El to see some sort of moral distinction. She will prank, or even disable, a kid, but she somehow sees serious harm or killing of them as wrong. This leads me to believe that she harbors some type of guilt from her time in the Lab. It could be survivor’s guilt, especially if Brenner made her bear witness to the other’s being hurt or killed. It could also be something far worse if Brenner compelled her to hurt or kill them herself. Regardless, something happened somewhere along the time to get her to no longer as seeing her life in the Lab as “good,” leading to her escaping.

I think this is another one of those posts that got away from me, but hopefully I got my point across. If I try to hard to edit this thing, it’ll never get posted. Again, I have no idea what the teasers are suppose to mean, but they got me started on this train of thought. If you made it this far, then I apologize for those minutes of your life that you’ll never get back.

[aquatik]

Hello vale <3 May I request a Kuroo scenario where he jokes about wanting to spend time with his s/o so they have a “girls” day together with a at home spa and etc 🥺👉🏼👈🏼 and I would find it cute if you also wrote the scenario for one of your comfort characters too but you don’t have too! Well 🥺 thank you sm vale. Love ya -🛸

“girls” night spa hcs with kuroo, sugawara, and yaku

pairings - tetsuro kuroo x reader, koushi sugawara x reader, morisuke yaku x reader

word count - 1600

genere - fluff

fem!reader

warnings - none <3

under the cut since these got long

Tetsuro Kuroo

so you guys are hanging out, after volleyball. you were watching those old youtube videos of like vlog-style/ expectation vs. reality type of thing

the good ole’ days

anyways

kuroo was scrolling on instagram to see one of your friends had posted a throwback to one of your sleepovers on her private. you guys had on face masks and a hair mask on the picture

“baaabe?”

“yes suro?”

“when was this?”

“ooh, i remember! that was months ago. haven’t had one in a while.”

“let’s do it.”

“wait what-”

in all honesty, you couldn’t say no. what was the worst that could happen? it could actually be fun

you guys go to the store and purchase everything you need. surprisingly, kuroo actually knew what to get

well, could you be surprised? man knows everything about chemistry, it’s no surprise he knows his way around what’s good for your skin

“suro how do you-”

“don’t question it.”

you took initiative on the hair care products since that’s self-explanatory-

as you were about to pay he smacks your hand and pays for himself

like, sir ???

anyways

you guys head back and start the spa night

you both took turns in applying everything on each other, you make sure to scrub that hair mask well into his hair to at least make sure he’s a healthy rooster head

“did you just purr?”

“wouldn’t you like to know.”

you guys post a lot on instagram and snapchat.

the team group chat going off:

kenma just said kuroo looks stupid with his hair flat. lev was accusing kuroo of cutting his head off since he looked shorter, yaku was yelling at lev. kai was just telling you guys to have fun, and yamamoto was sobbing, saying how kuroo doesn’t know how lucky he is.

for sure at one point you guys went to scare kenma.

like kuroo has a key so you guys snuck into kenma’s house

you were just sitting on the couch, recording

kuroo turned his wifi off so kenma got up to go fix it

“was the cord too heavy..?”

“surprise pudding head”

“what the fuck-“

and kenma grabs a pillow and full-on throws kuroo to the ground.

like

sir-

where that strength coming from?

“KENMA MY FACE MASK-“

“WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING HERE? I JUST GOT DISCONNECTED FROM AN AMONG US GAME! YOU ASS!”

“MY FACE!”

now you have a great video

overall you both really enjoyed the little spa night, promising to do them more often.

on the plus side, kuroo had really soft rooster hair. you had succeeded.

Koushi Sugawara

okay so you being the supportive girlfriend that you are, you attended their volleyball practice. you just so happened to have finished a really difficult assignment a while ago but you were still exhausted

coach ukai gave them a break before they started individual practice. being the loving boyfriend sugawara is, he immediately ran over to you

he was too busy practicing earlier to see you stressing over the now completed assignment. even though that assignment was taking up your time, you managed to multi-task and do both the assignment and watch them

“hi my love, did you see the- woah hey, what’s wrong?”

“huh? oh, nothing. i was just working on the assignment that i mentioned to you earlier. but yeah, i saw the play you guys are doing great. you're going to practice the synchronized attack later right?”

“well- i mean yeah but you should have been paying attention to your work.”

“nah it’s fine, i got it done anyways.”

“spa night.”

“what”

“you heard me. spa night. your sleeping over tonight and staying the weekend so it’s fine. i will not tolerate this stress in you, plus it will be fun!’

“you know, you could use one too.”

“well, then more reason to do it right?”

dammit, he’s convincing.

so after practice, you guys make it on your merry little way to the store and bought everything

no really

everything.

any mask you started reading: in the cart.

any facial cleanser? consider it bought.

face serum? you got it

oh and snacks. lots of snacks.

mans didn’t even let you pay

you knew this would happen so you sneaked and bought something and just hid them in your bag

so you know you guys are spamming your feeds everywhere. tiktok, snapchat, instagram, twitter you name it

you guys took a couple of pictures with your face masks on

since you had to wait a while for the face mask to set, you guys were going to watch something while eating

but no you had other plans

“no put the controller down.”

“what why?”

“because.”

you pull out a manicure kit, you had hidden this from suga

“i’ve gotta make sure my favorite setter has well-taken care nails. wouldn’t want an injury to happen.”

“...”

“kou?”

“i love you so much.”

“i love you too kou”

so you guys take turns feeding each other little snacks while doing suga’s hands. standing up to wash the masks off then continuing where you left off.

the whole time you guys would talk about anything so it was a nice time

once your done he thanks you and kisses your nose

i love him if you can’t tell

you guys definitely have more of these in the future.

you guys used one of the pictures you took together and now have matching profiles, you having sugawara as the profile picture and him having you.

morisuke yaku

you being nekoma’s unofficial but at this point you are the manager you always go to every practice, game, you name it

so you get to see your lovely libero boyfriend practice

and also becoming the mom of the team

oh and let’s mention lev

he’s a great boy, he has potential but does he strike a nerve at yaku sometimes

it seems more recently the team has been pushing these said strikes

while thinking of ways you could help him de-stress, you look up to him smiling at you, only for it to turn to yelling at lev

“what are you thinking about bab- LEV SHUT UP!”

“hmm, i got it!”

“what?”

you point at him and he’s like ???

“you. me. spa night when we get to your house.”

“what- i mean i’m not opposed to it but any reason why? are you okay?

this man doesn’t even realize-

anyways

you take his water bottle he was drinking from and he goes back to practice

you see him working hard, getting his receives, and digs to near perfection. you can’t help but notice how red his arms are getting. more red than usual.

you made a mental note of them and to remember to purchase something at the store later.

after practice ends you guys go to the nearest store and buy everything you need. getting some snacks, face masks, etc.

he goes to the other side of the store to see if he can find any athletic tape and you take your opportunity.

you go into the aisle, pick up the items run to pay, hide them, and boom mission complete.

he comes back with the tape and he doesn’t let you pay

like wtf square up

but it’s fine he kisses you when guys leave the store since he can feel the anger seeping from you

mad —> happy

you guys get back and he throws a hoodie on you, the typical routine.

he’s actually really excited to be doing this! he’s been wanting to do this with you for a while but didn’t know how to bring it up. plus poor baby needed to relax.

“baby let’s do this one!”

“wait mori we need to do this one first”

“oh”

pouty baby

you have your masks on now, waiting for them to set. you pull out a nail file to smoothen out a nail that had chipped in the corner.

“are we doing nails?”

“nope”

”aww”

“oh wait, mori roll your sleeves up”

huh? okay..”

you pull out some massage oil and lotion, the two things you went in search of at the store.

“i’ve seen your arms mori, let me do this.”

“truth be told, i got the tape for that reason.”

you get to work, massaging the arms of the nekoma setter. the pent up stress he had was now gone, due to the fact he was talking to you about it and you massaging his arms.

after you finished, you both wanted to go pick up some food. so you guys head out.

only one thing

you forgot to take the masks off.

“wait mori-“

“oh shit”

“oh well”

so the two of you chaotic people just went to get the food with your face masks on.

before that you guys took pictures

you get to the place you guys wanted to get food from and low and behold:

most of the team is there.

“YAKKUN WHAT ARE YOU DOING”

“SHUT UP ROOSTER HEAD”

“YAKU-SAN IS DYING!”

“lev it’s just a face mask he will live”

“YAKU YOU LUCKY LITTLE-“

“i think they are adorable”

“KAI WE ARE SUPPOSED TO MAKE FUN OF HIM”

“oops”

you guys get your food then r a n

he kisses temple as you both walk out of the food place

please i love him

his arms are feeling so much better! he no longer needs the tape.

it became a silent agreement that more arm massages and more spa nights would take hold in the future.

these were so cute to write i love them-

general taglist- @drabblily @visaintes @bellesowl @miki-snake

[babaleshy]

I'm Autistic

Because this will likely be a lengthy, wordy post about my self-diagnosis as Autistic as well as all of my experiences regarding Autistic traits, I'm going to leave a "read more" link so that you're not scrolling for ages just to catch up on your feed.

Ah, I see you've clicked "keep reading" or "read more" or whatever this site has it labeled as, now. You don't get to be mad at how long this is or how much of a waste of time reading this may be to you because you consciously clicked on the link. Therefore, I am exempt from taking responsibilities of eating up any bit of your time, including the time you've wasted reading this disclaimer.

So... Yes. I am. And it's a self-diagnosis right now.

You're probably thinking that I saw a Tik Tok clip, checked out a page on WebMD, and decided that I'm Autistic (this is in reference to a Tik Tok I saw last night that nearly made me spit out my drink because of how painfully accurate the "what people think self-diagnosis is vs reality" clip was). That is, of course, not the case.

A few years ago (likely 2018), I don't recall what it was I read online, but it made me go, "Oh wow, that makes so much sense to me," in regards to a neurodivergent trait. However, this was then I thought I had ADHD. My husband has ADHD, was diagnosed with it as a child, and because his dad forced the doctor (this was like, in the late 90s, early 2000s I think) to put him on Adderall and Ritalin, my husband does not remember 3 years of his life because he was a drooling, zombified mess. Why did his dad do this? Because his grades were bad. Did this help with his grades? No. Did his dad take him off the meds because he didn't get the desired result? Also no. My husband wasn't even informed on what ADHD was. He was simply told he had it and to take these pills. It wasn't until he (my husband) read the label saying that it could increase the risk of heart issues that he cussed his dad out and flushed all the pills down the toilet. Up until very recently, he wasn't sure if he actually had ADHD until he saw a YouTuber who was actually diagnosed with it display the exact traits he had.

But he didn't see this YouTuber when I thought I had ADHD, so my husband couldn't exactly relate, plus I didn't want to trigger anything with him on the subject.

But the more I researched, the more I realized I could be on the spectrum. It wasn't until 2019 that I was printing out articles, trait lists, etc. to highlight and put into a folder (which is thick and nearly bursting with what I've printed out to have a hardcopy of records highlighting the traits that I have, including traits my husband and my mom see in me) that I realized "I could have Asperger's."

Of course, I no longer use that term after finding out it was named after a n*zi, and I began to embrace the term "Autistic" instead.

But the thing that triggered me into going, "Wait, so it's not ADHD that I think I have, it's Asperger's?" was, like my husband, seeing a YouTuber talk about their traits and experiences. I had identical struggles, myself. (Through this same YouTuber, I also found out I'm greysexual, too! There's a name to describe my experience with sexual attraction! Yay!)

There are a lot of VERY SPECIFIC TRAITS Autistic people experience that aren't mentioned by the YouTuber or in anything that I've printed out and highlighted that I have found through various Tik Toks that I have personally experienced that simply further solidifies the fact that I'm definitely on the spectrum. When I showed the Tik Tok I mentioned earlier (I don't remember their name) to my husband last night, he was wide-eyed because the description of how that individual self-diagnosed themselves WAS EXACTLY WHAT I DID WORD FOR WORD HOLY SHIT.

I was already convinced I am Autistic, but each time I read Twitter threads of people's experiences with their Autistic traits, each time I watch Tik Toks or certain YouTubers share their experiences, it further solidifies that yep, I'm Autistic.

What's amazing is that my husband is very supportive. I'm extremely lucky to have married him. I've been a terrible masker but he loves me anyways. He never gave me shit for my meltdowns and tried to help me out, thinking I was just horribly overly stressed. Now that he knows why I've had the few outwardly noticeable meltdowns that I've had throughout our years together, he knows how to help me more, now. And while he's figured out my traits and what issues I have, knowing that I'm on the spectrum helps him make sense of why I'm like this, and he can help me accordingly whether it's to prepare for something in advance, help me calm down, etc.

(I should also add here real quick that there's a high chance I have OCD as well, but less of the compulsive actions and more of the obsessive thoughts, but I'm not entirely sure just yet if this is the case. I'm actually hoping to see someone about this but with the pandemic, I don't know when that will be.)

Now... onto the traits and experiences.

My Traits (that stand out with neon lights)(Will copy word-for-word a trait my mom or husband see in me and it will be typed in a different color.)

Having a folder that has all of my research I've obsessively looked up, printed out, highlighted what I saw in myself with one color (yellow) while highlighting what my mom and my husband see with another color (pink). I'm also using this folder to make this list as a reference because I sometimes forget certain traits I do have are because I'm Autistic. (I'm 32 as I write this, so when so much of what you think, do, and experience that you see is normal for you turns out to be an Autistic trait, it takes a while to get used to it and thus remember that because you haven't had a label for it your whole life.)

Despite being goth/punk, I dress as comfortably as I can. Textures aren't a very big issue for me, but what feels like strangulation of my body tends to be a problem. I cannot handle having the cross seams of pants feeling like I have a chopstick slowly impaling my vulva, or I can't stand how tight some shorts are that they pinch my hip joints.

I've NEVER spent much time grooming my own hair. It's either tiring, I"m impatient and want it done NOW, or both. This is why I have a Tank Girl haircut (all buzzed except for bangs), where I can basically "wash and go." (Husband does my haircuts and dyes and he's kickass at it.)

Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance.

Is youthful for age, in looks, dress, behavior, and tastes.

Usually a little more expressive in the face and gesture than male counterparts.

"May not have strong sense of identity and can be very chameleon like before diagnosis." (This resonates with me in the form that I never saw myself in ANY fictional character other than Tank Girl. My husband agrees with this opinion, but he also says he also sees a lot of me in Caulifla from Dragonball Super.)

I enjoy reading and films as a retreat, often sci-fi, fantasy, children's (sometimes), can have favorites which are a refuge.

Uses control as a stress management (like routines, rules, rigid certain habits, etc.)

Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environment.

I've been seen as "sensitive" by some, and mocked for crying a lot by others.

I struggled with social aspects of college and have 2 partial degrees.

Often have trouble holding a job and finds employment very daunting.

Slow at comprehending at times due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.

DOES NOT DO WELL WITH VERBAL INSTRUCTIONS; MUST BE WRITTEN DOWN

Special interests (I'll get into these later).

Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive.

Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions (some of which might be due to possible OCD).

I do have some sensory issues such as visual processing issues at times, certain sounds, certain smells, food I think, and issues with sunlight and my goddamn retinas.

Moody and prone to bouts of depression. Both of my parents as well as my husband have described my personality as reminding them of a cat.

Mild to severe gastro-intestinal difficulties (some of which could be due to endometriosis, btw).

I stim a little such as leg-bouncing, foot-waggling, some hand-flapping, some bouncing, the "spine-shimmy," joint-cracking, or playing with my ears.

Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload.

Hates injustice and hates being misunderstood, which incites anger and rage.

Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, especially after a meltdown, likely to stutter and may have a raspy voice.

Words and actions often misunderstood by others.

Perceived to be cold-natured and self-centered; unfriendly.

Very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passionate/obsessive interests.

Will shutdown in social situations once overloaded but generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of skilled, but it is a "performance."

Doesn't go out much; will prefer to go out with partner only (aka my husband).

Will not do "girly" things like shopping.

Takes relationships seriously.

There's a bit on this chart (some of you probably already know by know what chart I'm using here) that says due to sensory issues, one would either really enjoy sex or strongly dislike it. I'm in the former camp complete with a pretty high libido.

Often prefers the company of animals.

So there are the traits that REALLY stick out like a sore thumb. These come from a site regarding female Asperger traits or however it's labeled as. I have plenty more from two other articles I printed out with lots of highlighting, but the chart actually sums a lot of the definitive shit quite nicely. At some point in this list, I could tell I went "fuck it" and copied many things word for word anyways since I'll be talking about experiences later in this post.

But it was this chart that I'd discovered that I started to realize that I really am on the spectrum, and to triple check, I asked my mom and my husband if they saw any of this in me. The traits typed in green are ones I wasn't sure of and had to ask them if they saw it. I'm not always aware of how I am, who I am at times, etc. I also didn't want to lie about it, so I had to get second and third opinions.

Despite all of this, only very few people that know me IRL know about me being Autistic. This is because I was heavily bullied growing up and since I haven't exactly left my hometown, I really don't want whoever stayed in the area as well to either have more fuel and re-enter my life that way, or try really hard to relieve their guilty conscience and demand that I forgive them or some shit. I also don't want "Autism Mommies" to come at my ass either asking that I help their kid (I'm not fond of children so that's not happening, plus ableism is what fucks a lot of Autistic people over regarding of age but they won't take that for an answer) or that because they---a neurotypical person---have a child who's Autistic, then that means they know all about it and because I'm not exactly like their child then I can't possibly be Autistic. It's just a whole mountain of shit I don't wanna get into.

This next bit will be split into 2 parts. One will be my special interests, and the other will be my experiences from my past that are prime examples of being Autistic long before anyone in the common public knew what Autism actually was.

My Special Interests (Both Forever & Temporary)

The following list will have my special interests but with indicators in parentheses as to whether they are forever-interests (as in, I never lost interest in the thing) or temporary (meaning, it was short-lived be it by weeks, months, or a few years). This will be in chronological order, meaning: the order of which these have appeared throughout my life.

Barney (temporary; helped me skip preschool and become honor roll student in kindergarten though)

Halloween (forever)

the color orange (forever)

dinosaurs (forever)

Donkey Kong Country esp. for SNES (forever)

animals (forever)

Godzilla movies (forever)

monster movies (forever)

Pokemon (temporary; I still like Pokemon, but it's not as hyperfocused as it used to be)

Digimon (temporary; same situation as with Pokemon)

Dragonball Z (forever)

Sailor Moon (on-and-off)

Ultimate Muscle (Kinnikuman Nisei) (forever)

Freddy vs Jason movie (still like, but the hyperfocus was temporary)

horror movies (forever)

Transformers (temporary)

Dark Knight movie (temporary)

Harley Quinn (temporary)

Lobo (temporary)

X-Men (forever, but only certain universes, mainly the 90s cartoon, and the character is always Hank McCoy)

neon-colored stuff (temporary; kind of some sort of semi-rave/techno phase)

books (forever; this was when I discovered it's "legal" to enjoy books if you "aren't smart"; I may explain this logic I had later in the post)

sex/sexuality/sexology (forever on the first two, temporary on the last one)

BDSM (on-and-off)

feminism (temporary in regards to doing research and educating myself; I still hold the views I've developed as a result, just not obsessively researching this topic anymore)

anarchism (forever)

ecology (forever)

Pleistocene epoch (forever)

goth and punk stuff (forever after discovering what these things are all about for real compared to when I was in high school and had no idea how to ask, who to ask, or where to look this stuff up at in rural Ohio)

Hellblazer (temporary)

Serbian heritage (on-and-off)

bats (temporary)

arachnids (forever)

teratophilia (forever; finally have a word to describe this damn kink)

gardening (current; unsure)

Russian language (current; unsure)

DIY things (forever)

Towards the end, it may not be in the proper order thanks to slowly losing my damn mind being cooped up mostly in my room on this farm since moving back here in 2014. The two that are "current;unsure" are ones I have a hyperfocus in right now, but I don't know if this will be temporary or not. I certainly hope not, especially considering how useful these things will be. And while I have gardening as one of them, I haven't properly begun yet because I get empty promises from my parents where they claim they'd help me, not to worry about it, then get irritated when I ask where the help is and they suddenly can't give me the help when I told them I needed it.

I should also note that I don't exactly have an encyclopedic knowledge in a whole lot of these interests that are forever-interests because I'm normally exhausted just trying to exist with minimal trouble from people. I'm hoping this will change. The things I know I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge in would be Dragonball Z, animals/ecology, and... a-and that's it. That's really it. That's all I've got because Dragonball Z was so profoundly different compared to other cartoons I've watched in the 90s that it was a wonderful escape, and I grew up around animals, taking care of animals, and watching nature documentaries. The stress I went through growing up has caused my memory of some of that wonderful animal knowledge to be lost and what could be re-gained may be easily forgotten again, hence why I need to narrow my focus for what I'd like to be an ecologist for. While I love paleontology, I want to help the living world's ecosystems and environments, too. I'd love to go back to school for this stuff now that I'm more informed of who I am and what I want in life (as opposed to being forced to pick a college major while still in high school while I'm just trying to survive the concept of existence).

In terms of collecting things pertaining to my interests, a common pattern you'll see me have is a very slowly growing Hank McCoy collection. This is largely because there isn't too much stuff made regarding this character. (There also isn't much stuff I can find that involves Piccolo, Cyndaquil, Donkey Kong, giant ground sloths, etc. that isn't already snatched up by other fans.)

Now, I'm going to get into the list of experiences. Some of which will talk about my special interests, but I also really want to talk about my struggles, too.

Experiences That Screamed "I'm Autistic"

In gradeschool, I was friends with someone who probably wasn't actually a friend and her mom made her hang out with me since I didn't really have any friends. She has told me several times that she didn't want to be my friend anymore with some kind of hostile catty smile, but I just.. I wasn't getting it. Because there was a smile. Why say that with a smile? After all we've been through? Then she's back to being my friend the next week. She really wanted to hang out with the popular girls (yes, there were cliques in 90s American gradeschool) and has done countless things to sabotage our friendship such as telling me Barney is a fake, Donkey Kong was a real gorilla who hung himself, etc. And I believed all this shit, too, in an attempt to still be an acceptable friend. She even told me that I couldn't be a witch because I liked toads so much (toads were the only wildlife I excitedly interacted with in my back yard on a regular basis).

I love Halloween for many reasons, but one of them (aside from my favorite color being involved) was the fact that it was acceptable to wear a mask. I love (and still do) the idea of covering my face because I feel less "naked" to the world. So this pandemic had a small plus for me in the form of mask-wearing outside of Halloween has become somewhat more acceptable.

In 5th grade, another classmate who had more obvious Autistic traits and was diagnosed with Asperger's at the time was an asshole to me. They would constantly give me shit and bully me for whatever reason. When I finally took a stand, the teachers on duty at recess called me to the bottom of the hill, forcing me to look at them WITHOUT allowing me to have my hands up to block the sunlight that hurt my eyes, and were able to manipulate me into "admitting picking on so-and-so for no reason" because I chased them around the playground where a group of girls (the same cliquey assholes the former "friend" wanted to mingle with) had to group-carry me away. They're the ones who snitched and they gave me those same hostile smiles. That's when I learned that not all smiles meant good things. I was 10.

I sometimes "lose the ability" to ask for help long before the "help" I ever got in any circumstance was just me being met with frustration by whoever is trying to "help" me or I'm met with "sorry, can't help you there. (The former being with homework or school work, the latter being with going to authorities about bullies.)

Growing up, I was never girly (or girly enough) and I've tried to, but I failed miserably. My special interests would roar through and because it was too odd or different or annoying, it gave other girls fuel for bullying me with.

Regarding the lack of being girly enough, I was at a pool party with the former "friend" mentioned earlier and she started this "game" where she and the other girls would leap into the pool saying, "I love you, Leonardo!" This was in 4th grade and in reference to the Titanic movie, which at that point, I'd never heard of, because I was too pumped for the latest Land Before Time sequel. So when I leapt into the pool, I said, "I love you, Raphael." All the girls were confused, asked who that was. I then asked, "Aren't we playing Ninja Turtles?" Because the only Leonardo I knew of was a fucking Ninja Turtle, goddamnit. Who let you brats watch that shitty romance film anyways? Boring as fuck.

Aside from the occasional weekend visits or sleepovers at the former "friend's" house, I didn't get to socialize much, so I would spend most of my days (especially in the summer) watching what was on TV or watching from our very large VHS collection. During which I would make mental notes on how certain characters acted or what they said and try to remember that to mimic them in a social setting, which would be out of place because I'd be so focused on mainly the dialogue that once it prompts me to say the thing, they don't respond how I expect them to and then I'm at a loss.

I was very ignorant of music and didn't even know the concept of independent or underground bands existed. Plus, rural Ohio is a cultural wasteland. Otherwise, I would've gotten into metal, goth, and punk way earlier in life. So I thought that bands that existed were because television said so.

Speaking of an odd logic... If it was taboo or bad to talk about, I thought it was illegal. Thus, I thought any knowledge about sex was illegal and that it was supposed to happen "naturally."

I also thought that, because I wasn't considered as smart by my peers, some teachers, and even as such in the form of an insult from my parents from time to time (despite what they claim NOW), that also meant I wasn't allowed to enjoy books, because only smart people are allowed to enjoy reading. So therefore, it would be illegal for me, a not-smart person, to enjoy reading a book. So I had to focus on the pictures because if I enjoyed reading, somehow everyone would know and then I'd get into trouble.

I also thought it was illegal to talk about periods.

I socially struggled BADLY when I got to middle school because my brain was like... 4 years behind? How the fuck do people know all these bigger words? Or complex issues? This was also when I had to start suppressing ALL urges to cry because at that age, I'm not "supposed" to cry over everything. So I still, to this day, suppress it to the point of guaranteeing inducing a headache. Because I've always caught shit for crying.

Middle school was when I met an oppressive "friend" who was obsessed with me because she had a crush on me and was rather controlling of who I could and couldn't talk to and got pissy if I got close to making a new friend. Because I was desperate for a friend that wasn't like the former "friend," I allowed this abuse into my life.

High school was me just trying to survive. By the time I got home, I was too mentally exhausted to enjoy anything short of watching TV or whatever was rented from Blockbuster.

My brain was still feeling like it was years behind, and I struggled to keep up with whatever was supposed to be something I knew about, including the concept of masturbation.

Like I said earlier, anything sex-related might've been illegal to talk about, and because masturbation was still kinda taboo, I feared I'd get in trouble, but my teenage hormones compelled me to do it a LOT. It consumed my free time almost like an escape, a form of stimming, but I was shameful of it to the point of suicidal thoughts.

The former bullet was due to being raised in a christian household. My parents didn't have such views on sex like this, but I was afraid of being in trouble for asking, took to the internet, and caught some misinfo about how immoral it was. I mourned I'd be going to hell.

Speaking of religion, I thought it was illegal to change your religious beliefs, and there was only Judiasm, Muslim, and Buddhism outside of christianity (I'm Pagan, now).

While I was excited to get away from my parents presumably for good after high school, college was a new form of hell. The sudden, dramatic change in environment and lack of ANY preparation for living like an adult on my own caused me to mentally/socially/emotionally malfunction. I had outbursts I desperately tried to suppress, I felt stupid because everybody sounded smarter than me, I didn't actually want to go to art school but wasn't smart enough for anything else and never really bothered to better my artistic skills and thus felt like I shouldn't be there anyways, I struggled to fit in better, I had no idea how to function that certain habits such as neglect of my own dishes on my desk developed because I LITERALLY COULD NOT SEE MY OWN MESSES DUE TO THE STRESS I WAS EXPERIENCING. This was 3 or 4 long YEARS of this.

Attending art classes mostly run by very demanding (and demeaning) teachers while my art skills weren't up to par added to this stress on top of me not actually wanting to be THERE in the first place, just away from my parents.

I nearly ruined a friendship with a roommate because of my struggles. I'm not even sure if she is aware of my Autism because I'm afraid to approach her about it for some reason.

Plenty of times throughout my life where I'm loud and don't even realize it.

I've info-dumped on my parents, but right now they half or completely ignore me.

I've tried making eye contact, but it's like staring in the sun not in the sense of pain, but in the sense of by natural reaction looking away. When I force myself to make eye contact, I'm spending so much focus and effort into doing that to the point where I am unable to pay attention to what the person is saying. Instead, I stare at the mouth so I make sure I hear correctly the words they're telling me.

Each time someone is mad at me and gives me the silent treatment, and I inquire what I did to piss them off, they get madder because I'm somehow supposed to immediately know when I fucking don't. Then, half the time, they continue not telling me and I have to hear it from someone else. This further confuses me as to why they don't just simply fucking tell me.

I've annoyed people to listening to the same one or few songs over and over again. A lot (currently obsessed with the Sunset Overdrive and Tank Girl movie soundtracks).

I can "smell" the heat outside on a summer day.

I can smell other people's unique scents sometimes (especially when in someone's house; also experienced this in other people's dorms).

I can't remember what grade this was, but in high school, we went to some kind of space camp facility thing, and our class was split into two groups: one group was the group who was on Mars and ready to come home, the other was on Earth and can't wait to go to Mars. I was in the former group. My job in this little fun display interactive room thing was to examine the isotopes and report... uh.. I can't remember.. Report something that was off. Everyone else was dicking around with what they're supposed to do, and I was actually doing my job, and then said something, like I was supposed to, if I found something that was off (I don't remember the specifics). When the scientist who worked at the facility praised me on "saving the crew," I caught this look from the entire class a look I can't quite describe other than they didn't seem to like the fact that I did a good thing and was being praised for it instead of any of them (or they were shocked that a "dumb girl" like me could achieve this and get praise for it, I don't know.. hard to tell). This was a science class field trip, but despite this, I didn't have an interest in space, and still didn't feel I was smart. (Come to think of it, I think this was actually an 8th grade field trip, I can't remember.)

Just discovered this today: I'm actually very easily overwhelmed that could trigger a meltdown when I wake up. I don't know for how long until that point passes, either. But this could also be explained with how I've reacted to certain alarm clocks (the ones with the bells just induce pure rage in me). Either I will be on the verge of a meltdown or I'll have a fucking headache all day. Normally, I just wanna drink my coffee and either read or practice a little on Duolingo.

I don't always have enough room for a lot of info in my head for things that I like, so I have to carefully narrow shit down. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what to do about my urge to get my hands on some monster movies while making sure nothing else I've retained info for wanes. Not sure if this is due to stress or what. But apparently I have designated compartments for certain categories in my brain. If I get into monster movies, continue to work on my knwoledge on ecology and paleontology, and gain more knowledge about arachnids, that shouldn't impede on the "language" category, so whatever I learn in Russian will remain safe.

Interest "Webs."

I have what I'd like to call an "interest web." My special interests in one thing can lead me to having an interest in another. I care about nature, and I also care about paleontology. Paleoecology is something I'd like to dip my toes into. But because this all involves nature, I have an interest in botany (though it's still intimidating so I'm sticking with local native trees) and arachnids (after conquering my fears and learning more about them). So the web stops at arachnids there (no pun intended).

Back to ecology and paleoecology...

I have a major interest in the Pleistocene because it was just before we humans started writing shit down. Hints of that era echoes within our current environment, from the pronghorn being "unnecessarily" fast (due to miracynonyx, the "American cheetah," which is now an extinct cat) to avocados not seeding like they should without human assistance as well as the yucca trees (Joshua trees) going into retreat thanks to the absence of giant ground sloths.

But the planet is warming, and we could use all the help from plants that we get, especially when it comes to making sure that permafrost stays frozen. So there's this "Pleistocene Park" project taking place in Russia, and one day, if I get into the field of paleontology, I may want to chat with those involved in that project, but one can't expect every other country to know English.

There's also FROZEN PLEISTOCENE MEGAFAUNA CARCASSES BEING FOUND IN PERMAFROST, too.

On top of all of this, Russia's northern lands will become habitable for humans if shit hits the fan and the planet's mostly fucked, so it's still nice to know the language.

See how all of these interests intertwine? (It also helps that since I am of Serbian heritage but can't find accessible resources to learn the language and I wanna know a Slavic language that Russian is kind of accessible. It also seems to be the only Slavic language "commonly" found in colleges when it comes to foreign language courses.) This is why I call them "interest webs." Not sure if other Autistic people have them, but it's something that I have.

The second one could simply involve Halloween, punk, goth, monsters, and teratophilia with Halloween being the gateway because my favorite color is orange.

Just thought this would be a fun thing to touch on real quick.

My Sensory Traits

I do experience some sensory traits, but they're not intense like some people would assume (unless I'm simply not noticing how intense they can be).

I can "smell" the summer heat, which was something I thought everybody else experienced but I'm wrong.

My retinas hurt in bright sunlight despite not looking anywhere near the sun, which I also thought everybody else experienced.

Drinks taste different or off in some way if they're not in a particular mug, glass, etc. that the drink is supposed to be in. (I have certain mugs that I enjoy my coffee in, but the other mugs? They taste off. I can't explain why. I have ONLY TWO acceptable little tumbler glasses for orange juice.)

Breakfast food does not taste like breakfast food unless it's on this one specific plate from my childhood.

Dinner can be iffy on certain plates, but the safest go-to is the knock-off blue willow plates.

Lunch is acceptable on anything, but if I'm having simply a sandwich, it must be on a small plate.

I have specific forks I'd prefer to use because of how they feel in my hand, how the food-part feels in my mouth, and how the fork itself tastes.

Gotta have cinnamon in my coffee. I just do. It's not coffee without it.

I cannot fucking handle hair snippets of any size for any reason on my body. This is why there is a rigid procedure to where my husband must buzz my hair over a paper-towel-covered sink (to avoid clogging the drain) while wearing a particular tanktop Harley Quinn night shirt, and then I must shower immediately afterwards. During the haircut, my skin itches like mad like I'm being poked by the hairs directly even in places where hair snippets have never, ever gone.

I'm overly sensitive to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes.

Also cannot brush teeth with cold water because it's so painful (this was LONG before I had dental issues and persists to this day). Even my tongue hurts from it.

I'm picky as fuck with candy. Trick-or-treating was sometimes difficult because all I cared about was either orange-flavored stuff, or chocolate. Only specific chocolates, too (Krackle, Mr. Goodbar, Crunch, Butterfinger, Reese's, that was it.) Skittles were okay, but a lot of the baggies I got had a LOT the red ones and the red ones suck. Can't stand the other candies. (But my tastes have changed since then, and I opt for European chocolate from Aldi's as they are far superior, especially Moser Roth's 70% dark chocolate and Choceur's coffee and cream chocolate.)

Speaking of candy, the Whopper's Robin's Eggs tasted better than regular Whoppers and I will never be able to explain why.

Despite loving orange flavored stuff, I have trust issues when I see an unlabeled orange candy because there's the dangerous chance it could be fucking peach flavored. *gag* (I like real peaches, but the artificial flavored ones suck balls.) Due to my dental situation, I cannot enjoy very much in a way of candy, and the only artificial orange flavoring I CAN enjoy is through Vitamin D gummies... And even then, EVEN THEN I have to worry about the fucking peach flavors if I have to go with a different brand because we can't get our hands on a bottle from Simple Truth.

Artificial cherry flavoring is death.

The ONLY flavored medicine that was acceptable to me was orange (of course) and those dissolving strips that were grape-flavored that they don't fucking make anymore because fuck me that's why. Everything else was peer-pressured to do shots kiddie edition.

The different colored coatings on M&M's taste different from one another and I cannot explain why. It's very subtle, hardly noticeable, BUT I CAN TELL.

Peanutbutter is fucking amazing.

The smell of peanutbutter is fucking not.

There are these frozen meals my husband gets for days he doesn't have energy to cook and one of them (all from the same brand) smells like fucking hell.

My husband's Nissan Cup Noodle ramen overpowers my incense despite what other household members say.

I love incense, especially dragonsblood, "coffee time," pumpkin spice, raven, and rain.

All of the autumn scents or scents associated with autumn are orgasmic to me.

The smell of artificial cherry is death.

I would love to have perfume or body spray of Play-Doh.

I can compare smells of some places to others, such as the library branch I frequent smells like my gradeschool, as do SOME of their books' pages, and when my husband and I walked through this hall-like tunnel-like storefront in downtown Pittsburgh, I said it smelled like my grandma's basement, and he thought the same, so we're in aggreeance that all grandma's basements smell the same. Except for my Baba and Deda's. Their basement smelled like they actually still enjoy life and had their shit together.

Speaking of gradeschool smells, my gradeschool had two directions of classrooms, one led towards the gym, but the hall off to the side was carpeted, had some nice colors, and held 2 kindergarten classes and 2 first grade classes. That section of the building had its distinctive smells. The other direction led to the office, the cafeteria, and the hall with the 2 classes of grades 2 through 5 plus the preschool and the art/music class was. The smell was different in all classes EXCEPT for the music/art class, and I never went to preschool so I wouldn't know what that smells like.

ALL PRINCIPLE OFFICES SMELL THE SAME. HOW.

I could smell when my husband accidentally put in cinnamon when he thought he grabbed paprika in a dish that I liked. He was terrified of telling me. That was a happy accident and it became a permanent ingredient. He was mortified and shocked that I could smell his whoopsie in my dinner he made me.

I can also smell the cinnamon they use in Little Caeser's pizza crust. Yes. They use cinnamon. But I was the only one to notice.

Honey is like peanutbutter: it tastes amazing. But holy shit fuck that smell.

Gas stations smell like death, sadness, and questioning life's choices.

No two people's car interiors smell alike.

I can smell when it will rain soon, especially if it's about to storm.

I'm the one who noticed that hairy white oldfield asters smell like cake batter.

Dominant yellow filling my entire vision can be sometimes painful.

I used to be able to "hear" the color yellow in my head so much I thought yellow actually made a noise. It was a particular shade of yellow, and it made this Playskool toy-like clicking bell ringing noise, but really obnoxiously, almost painfully. I don't know how to describe the shade other than "cloudy pastel lemon?" It looked like the fucking lemon-flavored medicine I had to take as a kid.

My parents tried mixing in this cherry flavored death medicine in with my orange soda thinking I wouldn't know the difference but I did, so I dumped it down the drain and opened a new can because that can of Big K orange was fucking ruined.

Orange is wonderful to my eyes. But it's a hard color for me to find when it comes to getting things in a particular color. My back-up colors are red, green, and purple.

The sunlight hurts my retinas, even when I'm not looking at the sky at all, but the pain intensity increases the further I look up on a sunny summer day. This has been like this since childhood. Prescriptive sunglasses shouldn't be fucking expensive and should be covered by healthcare insurance.

I have to try really FUCKING hard not to stare at someone's muscles in person because ugh... Good thing I rarely see anybody who's well-built. (No really, this isn't even really a sexual thing, I'm so fucking fascinated and once I realize "oh, so that particular muscle looks like that from that angle", I get a glimmer of hope that I MIGHT be able to draw something humanoid since I suck at drawing people.)

Orange trees as so pleasing to the eye, and these are much more socially acceptable to stare at, lest I'm in person and the property owner might think I'm plotting to steal some (luckily I've never been anywhere near a place that grows orange trees).

Neon lights are amazing and I want them to come the fuck back. I swear, stores were so much more enjoyable of an environment when they were common. Such lights improve my mood in a way I cannot describe. I'm no longer in a hurry to get home if I am in the presence of neon lights.

Sunny days during winter are painful because the sunlight reflects off the snow. I'm painfully blinded if I look outside or go anywhere.

I cannot handle the sight of someone having boogers/snot hanging from their nose, not the sight of someone vomiting, nor the sight of an syringe needle piercing flesh.

I cannot handle the sound of alarm clock bells. I have woken up in a rage and been in a bad mood I try so hard to suppress for a good portion of the day. If I hear an alarm clock bell now these days, I wanna take it and chuck it across the room regardless the time of day or if I'm already awake. It's not so bad if I hear it from a video. In person? That's starting a war with me.

Children crying or screaming (especially babies) are almost painful to me and triggers my fight-or-flight response.

The reason why I was the loudest mellophone player in marching band was to drown out hearing the fucking trumpets. And I did; I was louder than the trumpets. (I quit marching band my sophomore year but for different reasons.)

Much of the music from the 80s that gave it that sound that definitely said it's from the 80s is very pleasing to my ears.

I love punk music for its messages, lyrics, and energy, but goth always puts me into a headspace where I feel like I'm at home; I'm at peace and want to cuddle the monster under my bed.

However, some punk songs can hit deep or strong and live rent-free in my head, such as Anti-Flag's "Racist," Bikini Kill's "Rebel Girl," and Skarpretter's "Nazi Scum."

One particular artist's voice I cannot get over because his is the first voice of any kind that makes me wanna fan myself is Peter Steele of Type O Negative. My favorite song, however, is "All Hallow's Eve" because his voice, the subject, and the lyrical content.

I'm able to hear something off in the oscillating fan my husband likes to use before he notices it.

I'm the one who can hear coyotes at night (doesn't help my mom wants to blast westerns to drown out the world and I'm back here in my room away from that shit though).

I can hear the branches scraping against the house, gently making creepy noises before I realize what the fuck it is, BUT NOBODY ELSE HEARS IT.

I can recognize the call of a robin because we had so many at the house I grew up in, and nobody else in this family fucking noticed.

I tend to notice the sound of the rain over all the house noise first.

I don't like tight clothing, which is why I prefer bralettes because my tits hurt.

If I could, I'd go without the bra because the band can sometimes suddenly feel tighter than it actually is, but because I have large nipples, I kinda need that bra for a bit of protection.

Shorts can be tight around the crotch, hip joins, and lower belly region, and that's a big no-no for me.

I'd prefer baggy pants, honestly.

Can't have tight footwear. No.

The seam at the top of socks or tights hurt my pinky toes if the whole sock/tights shift that way.

I already covered the hair snippet thing so since this is the sense of touch, another body hair thing is I kinda don't wanna shave my pits anymore because they are extremely itchy when they grow back. HAVE to shave my crotch because if I don't it gets horribly itchy, and my thick, fast-growing hair weaves into underwear, gets caught in pads, etc.

Ah yes. Pads. I hate them, but they're far more acceptable than a tampon or a cup because I have vaginismus.

Certain fabric textures are itchy as hell. There's a black shirt I have whose collar and cuffs are gorgeous but I have to wear something underneath to avoid feeling itchy.

Winter is hell for me here in the midwest, as I am very susceptible to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes. I become very slow, too. I feel like I can't get warm enough most of the time.

Air conditioned places in the summer feel almost similar, so I don't always wear shorts if I'm expected to go into, say, a Walmart with my husband to pick up everything. I'll shiver.

(We're gonna get into TMI territory here.) Can't masturbate by hand unless I've got a nitrile glove on because my brain only focuses on what my fingers are touching more than what my cunt feels.

Can't have any sex with my husband without anything brighter than low-light because things can be visually distracting in the room, or lights can suddenly feel way too bright to me. (Halloween string lights or those LED rope lights with adjustable brightness features and colors are excellent for this situation.)

In Conclusion

This is all that I've figured out so far. None of this hit me at once as a realization when I figured out that I'm Autistic. This took a while to realize it, and the realizations were mostly at random times through examples of other people experiencing it on the internet or through me going, "Huh, is that an Autistic trait?"

There may be even more that I'm currently unaware of or have forgotten to type here.

I apologize for how extremely lengthy this was. This took all day to type because of having to get up and do other things that needed to be done. One of the reasons why I really wanted to type this is because it's much easier to organize this on a computer, and I am absolutely shit at organizing files on my computer.

Unfortunately, while my husband is wonderful in supporting me, my parents aren't exactly all that great at it. Especially my dad, who is either vaguely dismissive or outright "forgets" that I'm Autistic (he honestly just... doesn't care, and tries to make things convenient for him at the expense of others most of the time). My mom... I'm not real sure. There are times where she seems to remember and others where she doesn't. I'm honestly wondering if they don't like knowing that I'm Autistic because that means my brother would have been as his traits were far more obvious than mine.

I hope that whoever is questioning whether or not they're Autistic has found this helpful at least in the sense that it would point you in the right direction on where to go next, but I would highly recommend checking out online Autistic communities, as that's where I've discovered that I'm on the spectrum.

[sakuatsutingz]

Hello loves! Can I request a childhood friends to lovers for Kita, Atsumu, and Suna?

ofc !! also i just made this a simple drabble since you didnt specify any type of req, but if you want hcs, feel free to request another ! enjoy <3 — jamie

let's pretend me and jamie's writing style matches well and it's not completely obvious who did what part. sorry for posting earlier than usual, but i wanna try to hit 100 before its new years in my time </3 - bri

kita, atsumu & suna with a childhood friend crush

masterlist here

request here

kita shinsuke !

mild s4 spoilers ahead !

“hey, shin ?”

the sound of your serene voice rang through the mentioned’s ears, the male’s left eyebrow quirking upwards as he turned to you expectantly with the sounds of the tv playing in the distance. 

“hm ?”

he hummed in the same manner of how you called out his name, yet still in the softest and sweetest tone you could hear, it’s basically honey to your two ears. 

“i love you. for as long as i could remember, i loved you, more than just a friend.”

you and shinsuke have been friends for as long as you can remember. you two met when you first moved in his neighbourhood, and his grandmother would always invite your family to have dinners in the kita residence frequently, leaving the two of you to spend a lot of time with each other, and thus, your close relationship starting to bloom.

when shinsuke told you about him joining the volleyball club in his first year, you had very mixed feelings. you were scared that he will soon be uninterested in spending time with you, his closest friend; you were scared he’ll lose his time for you; you were scared of the thought of him leaving you alone; you were scared of losing him, because you loved him.

but at the same time, you were always there to support him. the last thing you could ever possibly do is stop him from doing what he loves. and so you didn’t object his decision, supporting him from behind and cheering on him all the way to his third year — the nationals.

you thought he’d forget about you — he didn’t. he would always text you and tell you how practice went, what was going on in his team. he didn’t need to tell you how the match at the second day went in the finals, because you were there. you watched as the ball landed one last time on their side of the court, leading to their ultimate loss against karasuno.

seeing him so sad broke your heart, yet you still supported him until the end — and this was the end. yet, you still comforted him by visiting him later on, as he spilled to you whatever was going on in his head. it was a good fight, they had tried their best, but it wasn’t enough. and now you two were here, on the couch, watching the match replay for god knows how long.

now, as you impulsively confessed your undying love to your very best friend, you couldn’t help the smile on your face as you said those very words. the thought of him is already making you feel happy, feel loved, feel alive.

little did you know, those are the very same feelings you make him feel.

his eyes locked onto yours, a subtle blush dusted his cheeks as he spoke, cupping your face between his two hands as his lips softly kissed yours.

“i loved you too. for as long as i remember, and until the end of time.”

miya atsumu !

it was no secret to the people around you that atsumu and yourself had something more then just friends going on. everyone could see the way atsumu looked at you, treasured you as if you were the most precious diamond he knew. and for him, you were.

you were the only one oblivious to his advances. the flirting, gifts, random moments of affection; it didn't take a genius to know that he had some kind of feelings. yet, it seemed like no matter what he did, you blew it off. 'nah. i doubt he likes me, we've just known each other for forever. he's comfortable with me, that's all."

you only denied all of these people for one reason. you didn't want to get your hopes too high. over the many years, atsumu wasn't the only one who caught feelings. you did for him as well. you knew how he acted, you thought his actions were normal.

so you can only imagine the surprise that took place when one day you went to the gym to give the team some snacks for practice. it wasn't your plan to eavesdrop, it just happened to take place.

"'samu, what else do i need to do to get y/n to notice the way i feel? no matter what i try i can't get her to like me back."

the voice was one which you could recognise from everywhere - atsumu.

you placed down the bag of treats, clearly processing the words. apparently, osamu heard the subtle russel of the bag, looking back to where you stood.

"looks like you just told her, good luck."

was what osamu said, nodding towards the door - to where you are. atsumu looked like a deer caught in headlights, before looking down as he watched osamu walk off, leaving you two alone. you came out from your place behind the door, approaching the male. it was clear he was nervous, but at the same time disappointed.

this wasn't how it was meant happen. he wanted to ask you out with some grand gesture, tell you under the cherry blossoms in spring or during the winter season when there was many attractions to wow you with. not now, not here in the gym of your school.

"so, is it true? you like me?"

those words only made him freeze more, stumbling over his words while he tried to find what to say. it was so unlike him to act like this. usually he was the confident and loud one, not the shy one who struggled to form a sentence.

"yeah ... i'm sorry, i know how this must be. if you don't feel the same i can wait ... you don't need to return the feelings!"

you couldn't help but let a soft laugh leave the lips that atsumu had thought about so much. the action only seemed to rise his already sky high anxiety. your hand went to cup his cheek, gently pushing his head up to look at you. the next thing you did took both of you by surprise, placing a short kiss on the tip of his nose.

"idiot, i've waited long enough for you to say that."

guess you were both oblivious to each other's feelings, but right now both of you couldn't be happier. simply standing in the abandoned gym which the volleyball team was soon to have practice in, standing in the others embrace.

"can i call you my girlfriend then?"

rintarō suna !

you and suna were always seen as opposites, two who shouldn't get along. you were outgoing and loud, he was more quiet and deadpan. it was an odd duo, but you two made it work. many people didn't understand you two, but you never thought of it as a bad way. it was like you and suna had your own little world, away from the troubles of reality.

it wasn't an odd scene to see one at the others house, so it was no different then usual with you sitting on his bed, humming along to the music playing from the speakers. you had been in this room thousands of times, even had a small drawer of your clothes for how often you sleep over. your parents were hesitant at first to let such a thing happen, but over the many years the doubts they had about suna had faded.

you watched as he packed a duffel bag, only one way it could really be explained. he was going away to nationals for who knows how long. leaving you back here, to simply watch him from the tv. he offered to let you come with, but between your studies and club activities you didn't get the time for it. it was clear that it bothered you - the fact you were quieter then usual, on your phone mindlessly scrolling - rather than trying to help him as you often would.

"you okay?"

the question held no pressure as he moved away from his closet, sitting next to you on the bed. those two words was all it took for you to cave in, shaking your head as you pulled him into a hug which he soon returned.

"i'm sorry i can't be there to support you .. please don't be mad."

you mumble, clearly surprising suna. you always did attend every one of their games, always sitting in the front row of the excessive cheer group. you never did participate in their behaviour, but you did definitely cheer whenver you saw suna land a spike. ever since he started, you never missed a game. even if you didn't know what was happening half of the time.

"why would i be mad? i know you’re here for me, that's enough."

his fingers ran through your hair, a small smile on his face as he looked down to you. as much as you did appreciate the words, it's not like it made you feel much better. the sense of guilt was still there, even if there was no reason for such a thing. you felt his hand move from your hair, down the side of your cheek until it tucked under your chin. perhaps it was the atmosphere, perhaps it was the feelings you had for him that you pushed away for so many years - but you didn't pull away.

"you always have been here and i'll always love you for it."

suna's words came off no louder than a whisper, head touching yours. the shock never left your face as you heard those words leave his lips. sure, you had said it plenty of times before, but that was truly platonic. it didn't take a genius to know this was in the quite opposite way. you didn't say anything back, but the next actions were all he needed to know you felt the same.

what that action was? a simple tilt of his head, connecting your lips to suna's. that was all it took to know, your feelings weren't just one-sided.