#but you have to accept that other people will participate in some way in your life

[jnxjoop]

Let it happen

hwang in-ho x reader

Chapter 2

You concentrated on the ceiling that night, wild ideas festering in your mind, morally conflicted in every way. You shouldn’t be feeling this, they were complete strangers who willingly participated—a portion of them not so willing now, and that’s what puzzled you. You were against becoming so sappy over people who wouldn’t acknowledge your existence in any other circumstance, though the sympathy lingered.

You studied the room’s contents underneath the dim lighting, the other contestants sleeping the day’s events off, letting the exhaustion ebb away, something that came naturally to them, and you wished it did for you too. Your ears pricked, listening to the soft snores and sounds people made while asleep, being the only disruption to the silence. A part of you even wanted Eun-Shin to pop out, to occupy the dreadful quiet, so your mind could be silenced.

Attempting to be quiet, you scooted your weight slowly toward the corner of the bed, legs dangling from the side, the stairs a foot below. Fingers combed through [H/C] strands, massaging your scalp as if it would diminish the questions pooling within your skull. Your eyes squeezed shut, tension possessing your bones, struggling to soothe the restlessness of your body. You should be excited, eager for the second game, but your nerves were frayed, strangely unsettled. Risk typically entertained you—but with other people’s lives at stake, it dulled. Regardless, you assured yourself you would revert to normal tomorrow.

“Are you alright?” The soft voice interrupted the course of silence, your eyes flying toward another bed opposite of you, a bunk lower—the familiar gaze of the tiebreaker connected to your own, turned on his side to better inspect you. You hadn’t even realized his presence there before lights out.

You didn’t expect anyone to be awake at this hour, the dormitory teeming with utter quiet, leaving you embarrassed that someone witnessed your restlessness—noticed your conflicted state.

“Of course,” You confirmed smoothly, brushing off the question, heart hammering at being caught. You avoided the piercing stare sent your direction, feeling the sheer awkwardness creep onto you—something startling about his eyes. “Just can’t sleep, is all.”

“I see,” He acknowledged, giving a slight nod of his head, mulling over the words. “If you’re worried about tomorrow, don’t be. Just try to get some sleep, and start tomorrow off fresh.”

“Thanks,” You dipped your head, the question of why so many people shared their kindness with you dwelling your brain, offering you warmth when you were so cold, it ate away at your resolve. “I’ll try.”

You offered a sort-of smile, nodding again to confirm to even yourself you were fine, everything was okay. Back colliding with the plush of the mattress, you cozied yourself underneath the thin blanket provided to you, rolled onto your side. Your eyes fluttered closed, soaking in the comfort and easing your mind.

The next day, you held a place ahead of Eun-Shin, in an organized line to be served a box of pre-made food, paired with a bottled water. You accepted the items, sparing barely a glance at the guard handing it to you, promptly retreating to the stairs by your respective bed, opening the packaged food. You stared blankly at the food, scraping through it using the spork, waiting for Eun-Shin to join you. Were you really wanting him to join you or did you just expect him to?

“You should eat,” Encouraged one, that’s all you knew him as, holding his own meal and drink within his hands, positioned in front of you, your eyes drawn to his face, surprised by his presence.

“It’s fine. I’ll let someone else have it,” You assured, casting one, final glance at the food before covering it with the lid once more, sealing it away. You wrung your hands, strangely nervous under his eyes, something so intimidating about him that you couldn’t help but be intrigued—a thrum of anticipation striking your chest.

“Are you sure?”

Before you could respond, Eun-Shin lounged beside you on the stairs, sliding the tin lid from the container. You pushed your food into his hands, eager to remove the weight from your hands. “Take this. I don’t want it,” You explained, hands cradling your face when the object left your care.

“Are you gonna introduce me to your friend here?” Eun-Shin raised an eyebrow, chewing a bite of food and savoring the taste, the end of his spork waved toward the tiebreaker.

“One. Read the patch,” You instructed, the patch an obvious signification of his label.

“I’m Eun-Shin,” He extended a hand, clearly referencing his actual name, offering a handshake to the male, something within his eyes calculative.

“Young-Il,” One took the hand, firmly giving it a shake, a friendly smile on his face. The handshake appeared to signal more than just a friendly introduction, a tension you couldn’t pinpoint. And as the three of you conversed back and forth, you observed the two skeptically.

Conversation simmered to a close as the newly trio finished eating—or at least Eun-Shin, and Young-Il, as he introduced, were, the latter of the two deciding to approach some other contestants to get a better feel for the environment and what was to come, promising updates to you—saying such while his eyes only acknowledged you. Eun-Shin’s posture shifted, a questioning glimmer in his eyes.

“He’s weird, don’t you think?” He mentioned, eyes flickering between the details of your face and the area said person chatted, speaking animatedly with the previous winner, their discussion unknown to you—but it did entice your curiosity.

“As weird as anyone else in here,” You shrugged, eyes fixated on the 001 tag on the back of his jacket, a lump of intrigue puddling your skull. Within the confines of this hell hole, all of them were sinners, bound by fate to be unhinged, a desperation that reached inhumane standards. Your mouth welcomed a sip of water, eyebrow quirking. “What makes you say that?”

“Just seems off,” Eun-Shin claimed, eyes averting to his clasped hands, recalling a thought you weren’t aware of. “He seems… dangerous.”

An amused laugh could’ve escaped your lips at the statement—this entire circumstance was dangerous. Compared to the uncertainty of everything, Young-Il would be the least of your concerns. “Danger doesn’t scare me,” You retorted, donning an amused smile. If he was trying to instill fright, it would only prove futile, given your motives for even obliging with these games—it excited you.

He shot you a serious look. “All I’m saying is, I wouldn’t trust him,” He sighed, shaking his head dismissively, surrendering to your indifference, making you ponder what he perceived that left him guarded. “Just be careful if you hang around him, yeah?”

You nodded slowly while processing the statement, neck craning to examine him, features puzzled- brows knitted. “What makes you care what happens? We aren’t friends,” You pressed, a small persistence in your pursuit of solitude, one more attempt to push him away, for better or worse.

“We’re partners, though,” He reasoned, causing you even more confusion, but you listened silently, toying with the idea. Being teammates would supply benefits for both of you. “Next game, let’s team up. We’ll help each other.”

“What if you can’t trust me?” You rebutted, mirth swirling in the depths of [E/C] eyes, the corners of your lips twitching upward in the slightest. You gauged his reaction, awaiting the hesitancy—awaiting him to revoke the invitation.

“I’ll get you back then,” Eun-Shin remarked, elbowing you in the side, his mood radiating, feeling the rays of it infect your mood, almost sickeningly so. Even in the dimmest of moments, there was light.

“Not if you’re dead,” You challenged, deadpan, strict in allowing genuine happiness to infect you—but even you couldn’t deny the feelings seeping into your heart, the weight of empathy and blossoming friendships. How could you have predicted this outcome when dialing that number?

“Because you’ll be dead with me,” He argued, your expression heavily amused despite the grim possibility looming ahead.

Eyes were lured to the altercation unfolding in the center of the dormitory. Player 124 restrained 333’s arms, the latter squirming in his grasp, hands feebly attempting to claw at anything they could reach. 124’s companion, the lavender-haired boy, struck the flesh of his face relentlessly, bruising the supple skin until he slammed to the floor, his violence not finishing there as he launched his foot at 333’s body, distributing all his strength into each kick.

Your hands twitched, about to jump to your feet and intervene mindlessly, but Eun-Shin stopped you, an arm stretched across your form, being a gate to obstruct your movements. “Don’t,” He muttered, glaring at the scene, indifferent to the duo practically trampling the other player. “You can’t go up against two guys,” His statement didn’t relent in spiking your irritation, but you remained sat on the stair, jaw clenched.

“Why don’t you get up then?” You grumbled, smacking the limb away from you.

“Why do you care?” Eun-Shin raised an eyebrow, a faux puzzlement within his features, tone surprisingly mocking as if daring you to oppose. “I thought you didn’t care about anyone—what about the prize money you need so much?”

“You’re right. I don’t,” You agreed, nails digging into your skin to divert the irritation singing your veins. After all, he was right, you shouldn’t be getting involved in nonsensical matters of other people—people you didn’t care about, strangers to you.

“Anyway, I don’t think we should make enemies in here. Let’s stay as neutral as possible,” He planned, nodding his head decisively. “We’re an X and O team, so it makes sense, right?“

“You’re right,” You sighed, head propped against your palm, eyes squinted at the violence.

“Boys, what are you doing in the middle of mealtime?” Your posture straightened when you heard the sound of his voice, focus centered on the familiar player striding toward the trio, a confidence in his stride. Of course, it made sense as to why it would be him to intervene—he was a likable person, the peacemaker type sort-of, caring about others. “No fights during mealtime. There are elders present. Mind your manners. And two against one?” His movements paused, flashing a judging stare, eyes coldly sweeping over them. “Aren’t you embarrassed?”

“You’re lecturing me when you ended up in this shit hole too?” 230 raised his arms, pushing them down again in a swift and erratic motion, approaching the one to interrupt them, his patch tainted by the blood of other’s. “Dude, stop running your mouth,” His hands mimicked a blabbering mouth, gesturing in Young-Il’s face. “And take care of your own damn kids.”

“What did you just say?” One’s expression seemed to turn colder, cold indifference evident within his eyes, a quiet fury you wouldn’t want to be at the receiving end of, although a shred of you admired the courage he harbored to rise, rather than sit back and let the events conspire—you being too closeted from your feelings to be capable. You leaned in closer, eyes witnessing the scene with bated breath.

“I said save the lecture for your own damn kid,” Purple hair persisted, taking a brave step forward.

Young-Il grabbed his neck, fingers stiff against a pressure point on his nape, rendering him almost entirely immobile. His accomplice joined the fight to provide support, unable to accomplish even a single punch before one delivered a sharp, directed kick above his ankle, 124 cradling the limb in his hands, barking out in pain. Sending a final blow to his knee, 124’s back hit the floor, moaning in pain while he rolled across it.

“I told you, he’s dangerous,” Eun-Shin whispered, your eyes being peeled away from the events occurring beyond you, wanting nothing more than to roll your eyes at the comment—why was he so insistent?

“Okay, he knows how to fight, I’ll give you that,” You responded, tone low, so they wouldn’t escape to prying ears. “But when you think about it, we’re all just as dangerous to one another. Look at the situation we’re in.”

“I know, I know, but come on, it’s not normal to have that much precision in combat, think about it,” Your temporary partner insisted, motioning with his eyes to the altercation happening before them—where 230’s face was being pummeled, body slung across the floor when the exchange finished. Crouching to his level, Young-Il settled hard fingers around his throat, fist raised in threat while his opponent sputtered.

“I’m sorry,” Choked 230, fingers making a flimsy attempt at prying his hand off. “Please… Let me go…”

The dormitory erupted with claps as Young-Il returned to full stature, his grasp on the player abandoned, processing the praise oozing from fellow players. Even you found your hands smacking together in tandem with the crowd, a bubbly feeling spilling into your veins, uplifting your spirits—a rush, but not from adrenaline.

His eyes lifted from the floor, catching yours instantly, being situated in his direct line of view, as if he had known where to look from the start. You acknowledged the stare with a curt nod, forcing a subtle smile to speak wordless approval—like a good job. His shoulders settled slightly after that, the tension diminishing in his muscles, a sort-of relieved expression coating his face.

Head bowed, a bashful smile creeping onto his face from the overwhelming support, his hand traced the back of his head, retreating from the center of the room promptly, haste in escaping the attention. Your eyes followed, curiosity engulfing them— and if you were a cat, your lives were sure to run out.

Your clapping slowly came to a halt as you noticed Eun-Shin’s silence, his hands not in a clap, not moving at all, his expression rid of amusement. “What’s wrong?” You pried, an eyebrow quirked.

“I just don’t trust him,” Eun-Shin shook his head, disregarding the conversation completely. Looking closely, you could notice the clench in his jaw, the twitch in his brow.

“What happened to being neutral? Not making enemies?”

“We’re not enemies, I just don’t trust him,” He clarified matter-of-factly, appearing satisfied with that response, ending the conversation short, and leaving you to sit there, trying to configure the deeper meaning.

Arousing the players’ attention, the buzzer signaled that the doors were opening, a barrage of guards entering, the overhead voice greeting the players, robotically animated, “Attention, please! The second game will begin momentarily. Please follow the instructions from our staff,” Guards stationed themselves in a line at the center of the room, weapons on full display—to intimidate the players, ward them away from the idea of protest. Truly addressing you like the trash you were.

Eun-Shin helped you up, the pair of you walking toward the middle, as everyone else was, but maintaining a safe distance from the guards. Your chest tightened, unsure what to expect, but fright wasn’t a feeling that struck you. You studied the contestants around you, scanning for familiar faces amongst the surge of players. Young-Il - 456 - 222, all littered the crowd.

Twenty-five stood next to you, a grim seriousness to his expression, brows creased together, a look on his face you wouldn’t typically see, the sight causing you query.

Bright pastels blessed your vision as the players traveled up the stairway, in an orderly line. You were gifted the view of the back of 222’s head, mimicking her footsteps. Left, then right. Eun-Shin hovered behind you, analyzing the pathways as his shoes padded against each stair.

Eventually, you all arrived at a set of doors, which opened to reveal a large room, two circular rainbows decorating the floor, various guards stationed on either side. “Welcome to your second game,” The intercom echoed, the players’ minds brewing. “This game will be played in teams. Please divide into teams of five in the next ten minutes.”

Eun-Shin poked you, signaling to accompany him. The pair of you conducted a sweep over the other players, picking and choosing who would be the most fitting. Unknowing of what the game would include, picking people proved difficult—but you didn’t really care about who was on your team, the less you knew the better. The risk could only heighten the experience.

You familiarized yourself with your new teammates. One female, patch labeled 30, and two males, their patches reading 77 and 155. Eun-Shin handled the duration of talking, having the friendlier demeanor out of you two. In a way, you felt pushed out of the loop, having the conversation steered from you, standing still and assuring yourself this was for the best.

“Can I join your team?” A small voice grabbed your attention, making you shift to face the person it emitted from. 222. A pang of sympathy hit you at the recollection of her pregnant state, but your team had filled quick—as well, no one in it seemed necessarily useful.

“We’re full now, but I’ll help you find a better team,” You assured calmly, letting your makeshift ‘partner’ know you would return in a moment, unsure why you made the decision to aid her. Stealing a glance at the X patch on her chest, your stomach knotted, the O patch suddenly feeling heavier.

Sifting through the bustle of the crowd, shoulders narrowly dodging other players, her hand grasped the fabric of your jacket to keep balance, your eyes scouring the crowd, though you weren’t sure what to look for. Soon enough, your eyes spotted a patch reading 001—a familiar enough face that you felt 222 would be in capable hands, even if Eun-Shin would state otherwise.

“She’s joining your group,” You stated soundly, gently nudging the girl toward them, disrupting whatever conversation consumed them previously. Your face exuded the lack of willingness to anything less than.

“Uh, sorry, we’ve already got five people,” 390 gestured to their newest acquaintance, eyes drifting between the pair, an awkward and apologetic smile strewn on his face. You glowered behind the girl, lips pressed into a thin line, your empty gaze analyzing Young-Il to occupy the seconds, his eyes just as cold, unsuspecting.

222’s hand settled against her rounded stomach, giving the group a pleading stare. “Please help me. I’m pregnant,” She persisted, their eyes trailing to her stomach on reflex, as if to confirm her words.

The shift in their features was evident, the discussion of whether to let her join blatant. They wouldn’t have the heart to turn away someone pregnant, remains of respect still intact within their morals. Spinning around, 222’s head dipped, thanking you for the help. You offered a small smile in return before sauntering off, ignorant to the rest of the group teeming with curiosity. Eun-Shin had been speaking animatedly to your team when you regrouped, a part of you wishing to do the same.

“Time for team selection is up. The game you will be playing is Six-Legged Pentathlon. You will start with your legs tied together. Each member will take turns playing a mini-game at every ten-meter mark, and if you win, the team can move on to the next one,” The intercom explained to the players, cogs turning in your brain as it processed. “Here are the mini games; Number one, the Ddakji. Number two, Flying Stone. Number three, Gong-gi. Number four, spinning top. Number five, Jegi. Your goal is to win all the mini games and cross the finish line in five minutes.”

“What game do you want?” Eun-Shin’s eyes were directed to you, gifting you the first pick. His features were a mixture of nervousness and an unusual confidence, his brain at work on unknown subjects. On the other hand, your heart pulsed, the speed at which it beat picking up, perspiration slight on your hands—a heavenly combination, but a mere buzz compared to the rush of adrenaline.

“I’ll do Ddakji,” You answered with ease, thrumming your fingers along your knee as you enjoyed the feeling washing over you, mischief clouding your mind. “You?”

His eyes were contemplative for a moment, squinting as he thought. “I’ll do Gong-gi,” He shifted, abruptly turning his head to ask the other players their roles between the last three options, discussing briefly until they reached a conclusion. His eyes connected to yours, flashing a small smile. “30 is doing Jegi. 77 is doing Spinning Top, and 155 will do Flying Stone.”

You nodded, showing your approval on the matter. “Sounds good.”

“Team one and two, get ready,” The overhead speech sounded, the respective teams lining up on opposite sides, their feet being cuffed together—a mutual effort having to be put forth.

You watched in wait of the tribulations to occur, to which you would merely observe, sit there, uncaring and unflinching if their bodies fell. Their arms hugged, swallowing any fear cursing their being, the smallest beads of sweat dribbling down their faces to display stress.

“Do you think they’ll do well?” You could hear Eun-Shin’s inquisitive murmur to the rest of your team, their answers not privy to you—you weren’t upset, you instilled into your head, you should’ve expected to be sidelined- you weren’t even friends, only a beneficial exchange of resources, both of you sharing an utter lack of skill. It was the familiarity from the first day that kept you together.

“Let the game begin,” The feminine voice declared, a shot springing from a square guard’s pistol, the time’s devastating tick beginning its toll— the players hobbling forward, carefulness in their walk, chanting out “One, two,” to track each step until they arrived to the first mini game.

Your eyes darted from the clock back to one of the teams, watching the designated player brush his lips against the blue square piece, striving for even a wisp of luck, focused on the opposing origami settled on the flooring. Slamming the blue onto the folded paper, it successfully flipped the red tile, the men exchanging cheerful glances - already off to a good start, wasting no time at all. Peering over to the team opposite, their side wasn’t as lucky, their succession having not been accomplished.

“Please do not step over the line,” The intercom reminded, the leading team trying their hand at flying stone. Missing the first throw, they released disgruntled groans, the luck not accompanying them to the next game. Arms drawing close, they wobbled forward, tripping over their feet and collapsing, creating a hard-to-watch spectacle for the next participants. Seeds of mischief infected your mind at the sight.

“It’s pitiful, in a way,” Eun-Shin whispered, attention flocking back to after the conversation with the others grew dull. Amused eyes flew to him, indifferent to what he spoke, the importance of it. “The time is too short, and there’s so many hurdles..”

“Your gong-gi better be good then,” You commented, planting your expectations, assured by your own skill within your chosen game- the premise being simple, an intentional decision.

“Come on, you picked the easiest one,” He stated, and your lips twitched, the words ringing true.

“But I’m relying on luck,” You provided a frail defense, undermining the skillset to weaken his confidence, keeping hush about your knowledge of ‘tactics’ in the game, “There’s no tactic to it.”

“You… don’t have any tactic?”

Your smile widened at the uncertainty dwelling his tone, directing your attention back to the struggling players. “Don’t you think it’s more fun without one?” You pondered, eyes fixed on the team stuck on flying stone, studying the panic that slowly intruded their faces, time ticking on carelessly.

“Not if it gets me killed,” Eun-Shin’s eyebrow twitched, sweat ridden hands clasped together, disbelief pooling his being. Only amusement seeped vivaciously from you, thoroughly entertained by his reactions.

“All of us would die with you, don’t feel too bad,” You added and motioned to the dampness of his palms, the only evidence of his fragmented nerves. “Are you gonna be able to play gong-gi with those?”

“Are you good at gong-gi?” His whisper stunned you, eyes skeptically flitting to him, the question only raising hesitancy within you.

“Why do you ask?”

“If you want to test your luck, shouldn’t you do something more difficult? The stakes are higher,” Eun-Shin’s composure emanated confidence, shoulders straightening, as if proposing a challenge, something you wouldn’t - no, couldn’t - turn away from. You did less stakes only for their wellbeings. “Ddakji is easy to come back from. Gong-gi, on the other hand,” His gaze landed on the team struggling at said game, a gesture to show proof of his claim.

“Okay. I’ll play gong-gi then,” You agreed, [E/C] eyes sweeping across him, the tension within his body appearing soothed- the pace of your heartbeat increasing as you shouldered the most substantial gamble of your life. Anxious, but thrilled. “Seems like you’re too scared.”

“You’re right. I don’t want to be the reason we fail,” He confessed, a heavy sigh leaving his mouth, sight downcasted. “I know I’m a coward.”

“You are, but you also voted out,” You could feel the weight of the O patch, the bloodshed it consisted of, stomach bunched into knots at the toll of your decision. “You didn’t wanna be here, so it only makes sense for me to carry that weight. Well, as long as no one else kills us first, right?”

“I think you can do it,” Eun-Shin asserted. “You’re good at stressful things.”

The timer eventually beeped, signaling the end of the first round, gunshots raining down on the failed players, presenting a stark reminder to what would occur if you were unable to cross the finish line. Your teammates instinctively ducked from the sound, sheltering themselves. Eyebrows knitted, you viewed the gore blankly, distancing yourself from the severity and permanence of it all.

“The following players have been eliminated. Players 16, 45, 178, 189,” The intercom listed, indifferent to the brutality. “198, 254, 286, 341, 395, and 416.”

“We should have left!” Someone stood, shouting defiantly toward the side of the room your team occupied. Everyone’s eyes flocked to the perpetrator, his eyes drifting from person to person. “We’re all gonna die now! We’re all gonna die because of those who voted to continue!” The knot in your stomach tightened, but a sick part of you reveled in the detriment of it all. “What are you going to do now? You think you can survive? Look at them!”

You glanced at Eun-Shin, you didn’t know why- perhaps a shrivel of you hoping he would say something in disagreement to offer a semblance of assurance, but he remained silent, staring down at his hands, a silent agreement lingering in the air. The man spoke correctly, after all.

“Attention, please. Players, please wait while we tidy up the venue,” On cue, guards proceeded into the room, operating a forklift donning a set of coffins, pink taping stretched across the sides, meshing to form a bow at the lid. Your eyes traced the bodies aligned within the circular rainbow, dried blood splattered across their tracksuits, the guards carrying coffins to place them inside. The scene didn’t quell anyone’s unease on the games.

“Open it,” Ordered a guard to the subordinates, who rose to full stature, in slight defiance. “That’s an order,” The pair of circles pried the lid from the coffin respectively, showcasing the body inside to the triangle. They peered in, lodging two more gunshots into the flesh- the reason of such, you were oblivious, but it left an eery impression.

“The next teams, please get ready,” The intercom chimed, stirring you from the daze that encapsulated you, the thud of your heart bleeding out across your eardrums.

Twenty-five tugged your jacket, rising to his feet assuredly—having the easiest game to accomplish, of course his worries diminished. Brow quirked, he smiled slightly, which didn’t dissuade the anxiety pooling your stomach, a light buzz of adrenaline supplying some comfort. “Getting scared?”

Standing beside your group, the majority of players observing carefully, you shot him a soft glare. “I’m not a coward like you,” You declined, shaking your head to dismiss the brave claim. Gaze averting, you scanned the terrain, processing the pitied stares you received, exhaling to free yourself of care. If you died, so be it.

The group you were apart of stepped up to one of the rainbows, determined smiles exchanged among them, a sense of courage possessing their spirits. You were smushed between 77 and 155, arms entangled, 30 and Eun-Shin on either side of the line—your movements being reliant on others felt odd.

“Teams three and four, get ready,” Your eyes slid to the panicked faces stationed across from you, 120’s and the elderly woman’s recognizable faces within it. 95 seemed to be on the verge of tears, mustering every last bit of restraint to stay composed- another woman prayed incessantly, chanting out.

“We’ve got this,” Eun-Shin encouraged, acting bravado for the team’s sake. “Don’t panic, don’t stress.”

The gunshot rang, your team making hurried, but synced, steps toward the first game. The guard clutched a rectangular shape, the ddakji pieces resting inside, waiting to be taken. Eun-Shin picked the blue square, the guard dropping the red, flat on the ground in response, ignoring the sounds from the opposite team.

He stiffened, eyes narrowing in concentration, adjusting the ddakji piece in his hand before slamming it down- successfully flipping the rival piece. The guard created an O symbol with their arms, the intercom announcing they’d passed.

You hobbled forward, adrenaline flooding your veins the closer you got to your game, the time’s tick dreadfully slow. Only one more game, and then you’re up.

155 was quick to retrieve the stone, knees bending to crouch, envisioning the throw as he modified the aim, you watched, spread from him—as far as the restraints allowed—granting him more space to perfect the toss. Seconds- that dragged on like hours -escaped you, his hand finally giving a steady jerk, the stone smacking the piece in the center, tumbling over. Assuring their pass, the guard gestured an O, your group teeming with smiles.

Courage filled your teammates as you waddled to gong-gi, the 4 minutes that remained, a good sign, and the eruption of cheers serving as encouragement. You slid the pieces into your hand, the guard positioning the platform on the floor.

You leveled with the surface, tossing the five weighted pieces onto it. You tossed one into the air, slipping another into your clutches, repeating the motions until you missed a catch—the purposeful dodge quite evident to everyone spectating, 3:40 bright on the clock, drawing concerned glances.

“Sorry, my hand slipped,” You excused feebly, lacking any seriousness to your tone, restarting the ordeal from the beginning before you, again, slipped up on the second round, the pieces scattering across the black form and another fail dispelling from the intercom. Your teammates panicked, stressed from the reoccurring fails.

“Take this more seriously, come on, we still have two games left,” 30 scolded, eyebrows pulled near, fingers wrung together to soothe the anxiety that bubbled into irritation.

Blank [E/C] eyes caught a glimpse of the speaker. “My hands must be sweaty,” The palms of your hands scraped across the fabric of your jacket erratically, frantic to dry your hands.

“Okay, stop, just try again,” Eun-Shin lead, prying your hands from the clothing and guiding them back to the board. “We still have time, don’t panic.”

You threw the five pieces across the small table, tossing one into the air and hastily retrieving another, mimicking the motions repeatedly until all of them grouped in your hand. Again, you scattered the pieces along the board, propelling one into the air and then snaking two more pieces into your grasp— cycling through the movements, the risk of dropping them increasing with each round. Finally reaching the climax of the game that would decide your fates, dormant beads balanced on your knuckles. Eyes fixated on them, you thought briefly- you could end everything here.

You heaved the pieces into the air, your teammates looking on with concern strewn on their features, sweat lining their skin, and you caught the gong-gi toys in your fist, unraveling your fingers to show the guard the achievement.

“Pass.”

Your teammates cheered- and you could hear fellow contestants praising the efforts demonstrated, a flutter of something entangling your chest at the connection everyone shared in that moment. As you neared the next game, your eyes tore through the crowd, the prided faces of individuals eliciting a genuine smile from you, the warmth overwhelming.

77’s hands weaved the string around the top, doing so quickly but cautiously, not wanting to take the unnecessary risks you did (on purpose!)—2:30 seconds remained, providing a decent amount of time for them to secure a place passed the finish line.

“Don’t panic, it’s okay if you mess up, clearly,” 155 soothed, casting a pointed glance at you. 77 nodded, looking between the two of you, fingers poised around the top delicately before he projected it across the floor- the toy steadying itself by rapidly spinning, more of the crowd rising to witness the events with open eyes.

“You got it!” 30 beamed, prepared for the final role upon them, the five of you folding your arms more closely, an unspoken surge of certainty rushing through all of you.

“You must kick the jegi five times,” The overhead instructed, 30 pulling the reflective toy into her hands, giving it a gentle pitch into the air, leg positioned to strike it. The thud of her shoe hitting the toy grasped you, the last testament to if you survived or not—something about your life in the hold of someone else filling you with even more adrenaline, attention narrowed on the pound of your heart.

“That’s five!” She cheered, gripping 77- if they were unrestrained, she would’ve leapt for joy.

Eun-Shin grinned, giving 155 a slight shake. “Let’s go, we can finish this, we have plenty of time,” He gestured them to move forward in tandem, 1:30 minutes flashing on the clock, the chants of the crowd spurring you to move faster- the feeling encompassing you the greatest rush you’d ever felt.

Once the ribbon at the end of the line was torn in two, you could hear the shouts of the spectators, all in mutual excitement at the victory, even your teammates cried out, an embrace shared between the group that was unexpectedly kind, an affection nearly foreign to you.

You spotted 222 apart of the mass, hopping eagerly like everyone else around her- to the concern of her team-sending a smile in your direction that you managed to return, a genuine one. The double victory proof that everyone could succeed.

After your ankles were freed, the teams reigning triumph were escorted out by some guards, the pep in all of your steps evident- the close encounter with death ushering relief into their systems at what didn’t happen, savoring the closeness to their companions within the present, unknowing if the next game would shatter it.

“Good job, everyone,” Eun-Shin complimented the lingering players, determination a flood in his eyes, but a sense of unease still drummed within them.

Back in the clutches of the dormitory, everyone distanced themselves, retreating to the usual places they lounged. However, the remainder of your teammates joined you at your spot, involved in conversation with Eun-Shin that didn’t require your input. Your head inclined, being supported by the frame of the beds, quiet as your rush ebbed, consumed by a daze.

More and more people filed into the room, a silence washing over the dormitory, the dwellers talking amongst one another- the shock of the previous moments diminishing as they cozied inside. [E/C] eyes studied the blood staining your shoe, the white now speckled and tarnished by a putrid red. You wondered if that had been 222’s fate—or even Young-Il’s, the regret of your vote clinging.

“Come on, cheer up, we got through it,” Eun-Shin’s elbow jabbed your side playfully, his new companions’ eyes shifted to gauge your reaction, lips pulled into a frown at the gesture. “It makes me think we could get through anything,” He smiled at the other three, the trio laughing in agreement, but the comment puzzled you.

Eventually, the door opened one last time, presenting the final batch of players to make it out- 222 among them, a touch of relief easing the tension in your posture. Eun-Shin hesitated, the words on his tongue simmering as his attention, like everyone else’s, landed on the group. You managed a small smile as they plodded by, their own, heavy eyes trailing across the contestants left warily- 222 shooting a little wave in your direction.

After everyone settled, piecing together frayed nerves, the buzzer blared, the door making way for the pink-clad guards. “Congratulations to all of you for making it through the second game. Here are the results,” The square clicked a button, the lights dimming in an instant- the piggy bank eating more stacks of cash, persuasive to the temptations of players. “In the second game, 110 players were eliminated. The prize money accumulated up to this point is 20.1 billion won. Since there are 255 players remaining, each person’s share is 78,823,530 won.”

“It’s still under 100 million?”

“It’s not even 80 million.”

“Only 110 people died? Is that all?” Everyone’s intentions were keen to the money, frantic and indifferent toward the bloodshed. Morals wore thin, desperation blatant. It reminded you of the person you were before arriving, the moments spent here supplying an opposite effect. “Did you count them right?”

“That’s all? But you shot all those people!”

“Count them again!” 100 demanded, the features on his face wrinkled, soured.

“I completely understand your disappointment. However, we always keep the door open for you to pursue new opportunities. You will now take a vote to decide whether to continue the games or not,” The square mediated, the doors behind him parting to allow a pair of guards to roll the vote buttons inside. “Whether to continue the games for a bigger prize or to stop here is entirely your choice,” Circles arranged the buttons in the front center of the room, just below the stairs. “Feel free to exercise your right to choose in a democratic manner.”

Hand flat against the patch on your chest, you were certain on what decision you’d make, standing to your feet and heading to the back of the room, huddled among everyone else- a flock of aimless sheep in a pen. Your eyes portrayed no indications of your partner, quickly abandoning question about his whereabouts in exchange for rivaling thoughts, always engulfed by the space.

“This time, the vote will begin with Player 001,” The guard explained. “Player 001, please cast your vote.”

Your eyes were fixed on him, ambling toward the red and blue buttons, a sureness in his stride. The sound of the button resounded, filling the spacious room, his vote slotted under the X, surrendering the circular patch for an X one. You witnessed a few more people strut forward, making their own decisions of whether they should stay or leave, the votes maintaining a steady balance between the options.

“Player 011.”

Heaving a sigh, you approached the set of buttons, hand pressing your chosen button without hesitation. You peeled the weighted O patch off, trading it for an X one and flattening it to the velcro. You stood close to Young-Il on the red side, his friendly smile an assurance that your decision was proper, melting away any anxieties.

“What changed your mind?” His cool eyes darted to you, using this chance to speak to you without interruption. His eyes traced your features under the blue-red lighting, memorizing each crease.

“Just seemed right,” You brewed, lips pressed into a thin line, [E/C] eyes studying the intricacies of his face briefly before peering at the voters- joining either red or blue. “You?”

He nodded in response to your reasoning, not acting on the curiosity spawned in his eyes. “I’m just ready to be done with this, I think most of us are,” He sighed, wringing his hands, a dry chuckle leaving his throat—his sentiment something you agreed on.

“Player 025,” You shifted your attention from the conversation to Eun-Shin, his back facing you. His gaze strayed between the votes casted, back to the buttons present- finally pressing the O, adding yet another vote to supply the blue. Your mouth hung slightly ajar, the decision stunning you.

“Did you not know?” Young-Il inclined his head toward you, the volume of his voice low, clearly referencing your so-called partner’s vote, diverting your attention.

“No,” You admitted. “It doesn’t affect me though.”

Dark eyes studied you, and it felt as if he could see right through your words, staring into depths even you weren’t aware of. “He should’ve told you, but I understand your feelings,” He spoke, a hand hovering over your back as an attempt at comfort, smiling assuredly and retracting the light touch.

The corner of your lip quirked, the gentle motion oddly considerate. “I appreciate it, Young-Il,” You bowed your head in thanks, bashful under his scrutiny- his undivided attention placed on you.

His eyes shone in realization. “I don’t think I ever got your name,” He pointed out, a finger gestured toward you, lips slightly curved- the thought having never crossed your mind. “I got your friend’s but never yours.”

“We aren’t friends,” You corrected softly, stealing a peak at him, the defiance in your eyes small. “But it’s [Y/N],” You answered after a moment of pause, a slight bafflement riddling your features. “Not even Eun-Shin knows that.”

His eyebrow twitched, a gleam of something unknown swirling his eyes, expression unreadable to you. “I’ll be sure to remember it then.”

You both stared back at the wavering votes, a player having just casted his vote, the O’s snatching the leading place—33 to the 36, leaving everyone in suspense of what side would win.

“Everyone!” 456 commanded the crowd’s attention, no matter the separation of the groups, gesturing his arms to gather everyone’s focus. Young-Il left your side, approaching the walkway- at the line drawn between the sides, your eyes following unabashed.

“Are you all out of your minds?” He shouted, scanning each of the faces scattering the O section. “You still want to keep going after watching all those people die? Who’s to say you won’t die in the next game?” He stressed, irritation puddling his features, baffled at their decisions.

“We have to stop,” He insisted, striding down the line, his cold gaze sweeping across the players. “We’ll all die if we keep going! Come to your senses, and leave with that money. You’ve got to survive first, or there won’t be a next step,” His arms swung, trying to drill the explanation into their heads- desperate to escape.

“What do you think we can do with a mere 70 million?” 100 stepped forward, his determination to stay unaffected. “I don’t know how much you owe, but for most people here, that doesn’t even cover 10% of their debt. Am I right?” He looked around, pointing to the crowd, seeking approval from fellow O’s. “There’s no next step for us! That money won’t change anything!”

“With that amount of money, I won’t last long,” A member of his posse spat, his finger aimed at the golden hue of light above them, stacks and stacks of cash illuminated.

“It was 25 million after the first game, now it’s 78 million. After one game, the amount more than tripled!” 100 emphasized, steering the conversation in his favor. “If we play one more game, the prize will be at least 240 million!”

“But I can’t do this anymore,” A girl whimpered, your eyes scouring the area for the source- finding that anxious girl from earlier, 95. Tears puddled on her cheeks, the dampness glistening beneath the crimson lighting. You swallowed thickly, the sob lacing her voice tying knots in your stomach. “Please. Please let me out of here…” She blinked, glancing away from the array of eyes fixed on her. “I really want to go home… I don’t want to die…”

“Young lady, you’re young, so you’d probably have another chance,” Another man offered sympathy, watery eyes squinted as he maintained a semblance of composure. “But I don’t.”

95’s fingers tangled, clasping in plea. “Please,” She croaked, trembling.

“My family and I have no future,” He sniffled, expanding on his perspective. “My business failed, and now I owe over 500 million. I’ve got to make at least half of that here if I want a real shot at a fresh start.”

“What if you die here?” Young-Il interjected. “If you die here, your family won’t even get your body. Then it’d be the end for you and your family,” He raised his voice, and you could visibly see the gears shifting in the previous man’s head, staring down at the floor- in shame or contemplation. “Don’t you see?”

“Don’t get fucking scared!” A man released, not sharing the sentiment, perhaps not understanding it. “Ddakji, red light, green light, spinning top. It’s not like the games are that difficult,” He spun around, lacking empathy toward the eliminated players. “Look,” He directed everyone’s gaze. “There are still 255 players. Way more than half of us survived! We’ve made it this far, so let’s do it one more time!”

Your eyes connected with Eun-Shin’s, both of your features cold and saddled with the realization of the awkwardness, now situated on opposite sides of the spectrum- where tensions were rising. After every moment you’d shared with him, it felt strange seeing him with the blue patch, the choice seeming out of character. But evidently, this place stirred change- the chants of the people to stay evidence of that, disregarding the grave consequences.

Young-Il garnered your attention by resting a hand on your shoulder, muscles giving a jolt at the unexpected contact. “Are you okay?” His face served as a strange comfort amidst the morphing surroundings, scrunched with concern as his eyes darted around your face.

“I’m alright, I was just surprised by his choice,” You explained, features troubled- brows furrowed, lips pressed thin. Your voice lowered, addressing yourself more so than Young-Il, “He never struck me as the type.”

“This place changes people,” Young-Il sighed, gaze casted toward the rise and fall of the votes- an almost disappointed gleam in his eyes. He then looked to you, providing a hopeful expression. “I’m sure he’ll come to his senses, if we don’t leave today.”

“Maybe,” You sighed, accepting defeat.

The votes between O and X rampaged onward, remaining at a steady balance until the number of O’s became overwhelming, outnumbering the votes to leave. “The results are 139 for O and 116 for X,” The guard announced, dread washing over most of the X voters. On the other hand, you didn’t find yourself harboring any feelings of disappointment or relief, remaining unbothered. “Based on the majority vote, we’ll proceed to the third game tomorrow. Thank you.”

With that being said, you returned to your usual nesting place, the red patch on your chest gathering fleeting glances by O contestants. Eun-Shin approached you cautiously, lip jutted, awkward to speak to you.

“Are you scared to talk to me?” You prodded, looking up to him, unimpressed. Your voice appeared to surprise him as he situated himself beside you hastily. “What made you vote to stay?”

“Yesterday, remember? You decided to continue because of your debt, I’m doing the same,” Eun-Shin answered, wringing his hands, eyes dropping to the limbs before shifting to you. “What made you vote to leave?”

“It’s just a waste,” You shrugged, throwing out the first thing that came to mind to lessen the amount it appeared you care.

“Is it a risk you can’t take?” Eun-Shin challenged, bumping his shoulder against yours. He then offered a hand to you, a truce, that you could either accept or decline- a slight puzzlement consuming your face. “We’re still an X and O team, partners- all neutral?”

Your eyes drifted between the outstretched hand and his face, mulling over the words contemplatively.

“Only because you’re so insistent,” You smacked his hand away, refusing to shake it.

—

sorry to cut it off at this BUT. i wanted to put a chapter out for you guys 🤲

also i accidentally misarranged the sequence of events 💀 so pls ignore that it won’t happen again

anyway, thank you all for the love on this, hope you enjoy! (also i am so sorry if my characterization for in-ho is terrible 🤲😭)

[cables-and-wires]

idk if its controversial to say but i think some of you need to learn to be more comfortable being around other people who you may not fully get along with and agree with. not like political stuff or people who will cause you active harm but. not everyone has to be exactly like you or else they're non-existent in your eyes. you're not being forced to befriend everyone and agree with everyone around you but learning to be able to accept and share a space with people is important. it's unrealistic to expect to never interact with certain people simply because you don't want to and it's easier to accept and tolerate that (you don't have to like it) than to push people away tbh. this isn't about political views or harmful people at all this is just about being able to foster a community of people. not everyone has to be a friend or be exactly like you and it's discriminatory to assert otherwise.

[lastoneout]

Used to work at a theater and one of my jobs was going in to the auditoriums and forcing dipshits to get off their phones and/or kick them out if they wont and lemme tell ya, I could always figure out exactly who was on their phone IMMEDIATELY because it's that bright. Big fucking spotlight on your face telling me who I needed to go threaten.

Also you will eventually get kicked out if you do this and refuse to stop. We are under no obligation to make space for you, and if it's a choice between kicking one or two guests out and having a whole theater full of pissed off people who want refunds we are going to pick kicking you out. If you legit cannot sit through a 2 hour film without getting on your phone I won't judge you, I get it I have ADHD, but you need to find a different way to watch movies that allows for your fidgeting without compromising the enjoyment of a hundred other people. This is not a difficult concept. Sometimes you just can't do things. It sucks, but it's just how life works.

ppl are rlly trying to defend being on your phone during a movie in the theater what is going on

[thedandelionresistance]

Repeat after me: something being unhealthy or otherwise causing the person doing it distress does not make it morally wrong.

(This is part of healthism.)

[caelum-in-the-avatarverse]

Fandom can do a little gatekeeping. As a treat.

So I finally decided to archive-lock my fics on AO3 last night. I’ve been considering it since the AI scrape last year, but the tipping point was this whole lore.fm debacle, coupled with some thoughts I’ve been thinking regarding Fandom These Days in general and Fandom As A Community in particular. So I wanna explain why I waited so long, why I locked my stuff up now, and why I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m a-okay with making it harder for people to see my stories.

Lurkers really are great, tho

I’m a chronic lurker, and have been since I started hanging out on the internet as a teen in the 00s. These days it’s just cuz I don’t feel a need to socialize very often, but back then it was because I was shy and knew I was socially awkward. Even if I made an account, I’d spend months lurking on message boards or forums or Livejournals, watching other people interact and getting a feel for that particular community’s culture and etiquette before I finally started interacting myself. And y’know, that approach saved me a lot of embarrassment. Over the course of my lurking on any site, there was always some other person who’d clearly joined up five minutes after learning the place existed, barged in without a care for their behavior, and committed so many social faux pas that all the other users were immediately annoyed with them at best. I learned a lot observing those incidents. Lurk More is Rule 33 of the internet for very good reason.

Lurking isn’t bad or weird or creepy. It’s perfectly normal. I love lurking. It’s hard for me to not lurk - socializing takes a lot of energy out of me, even via text. (Heck it took 12 hours for me to write this post, I wish I was kidding--) Occasionally I’ll manage longer bouts of interaction - a few weeks posting here, almost a year chatting in a discord there - but I’m always gonna end up going radio silent for months at some point. I used to feel bad about it, but I’ve long since made peace with the fact that it’s just the way my brain works. I’m a chronic lurker, and in the long term nothing is going to change that.

The thing with being a chronic lurker is that you have to accept that you are not actually seen as part of the community you are lurking in. That’s not to say that lurkers are unimportant - lurkers actually are important, and they make up a large proportion of any online community - but it’s simple cause and effect. You may think of it as “your community”, but if you’ve never said a word, how is the community supposed to know you exist? If I lurked on someone’s LJ, and then that person suddenly friendslocked their blog, I knew that I had two choices: Either accept that I would never be able to read their posts again, or reach out to them and ask if I could be added to their friends list with the full understanding that I was a rando they might not decide to trust. I usually went with the first option, because my invisibility as a lurker was more important to me than talking to strangers on the internet.

Lurking is like sitting on a park bench, quietly people-watching and eavesdropping on the conversations other people are having around you. You’re in the park, but you’re not actively participating in anything happening there. You can see and hear things that you become very interested in! But if you don’t introduce yourself and become part of the conversation, you won’t be able to keep listening to it when those people walk away. When fandom migrated away from Livejournal, people moved to new platforms alongside their friends, but lurkers were often left behind. No one knew they existed, so they weren’t told where everyone else was going. To be seen as part of a fandom community, you need to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known, etc. etc.

There’s nothing wrong with lurking. There can actually be benefits to lurking, both for the lurkers and the communities they lurk in. It’s just another way to be in a fandom. But if that is how you exist in fandom--and remember, I say this as someone who often does exist that way in fandom--you need to remember that you’re on the outside looking in, and the curtains can always close.

I’ve always been super sympathetic to lurkers, because I am one. I know there’s a lot of people like me who just don’t socialize often. I know there’s plenty of reasons why someone might not make an account on the internet - maybe they’re nervous, maybe they’re young and their parents don’t allow them to, maybe they’re in a bad situation where someone is monitoring their activity, maybe they can only access the internet from public computer terminals. Heck, I’ve never even logged into AO3 on my phone--if I’m away from my computer I just read what’s publicly available. 

I know I have people lurking on my fics. I know my fics probably mean a lot to someone I don’t even know exists. I know this because there are plenty of fics I love whose writers don’t know I exist.

I love my commenters personally; I love my lurkers as an abstract concept. I know they’re there and I wish them well, and if they ever de-lurk I love them all the more.

So up until last year I never considered archive-locking my fic, because I get it. The AI scraping was upsetting, but I still hesitated because I was thinking of lurkers and guests and remembering what it felt like to be 15 and wondering if it’d be worth letting a stranger on the internet know I existed and asking to be added to their friends list just so I could reread a funny post they made once.

But the internet has changed a lot since the 00s, and fandom has changed with it. I’ve read some things and been doing some thinking about fandom-as-community over the last few years, and reading through the lore.fm drama made me decide that it’s time for me to set some boundaries.

I still love my lurkers, and I feel bad about leaving any guest commenters behind, especially if they’re in a situation where they can’t make an account for some reason. But from here on out, even my lurkers are going to have to do the bare minimum to read my fics--make an AO3 account.

Should we gatekeep fandom?

I’ve seen a few people ask this question, usually rhetorically, sometimes as a joke, always with a bit of seriousness. And I think…yeah, maybe we should. Except wait, no, not like that--

A decade ago, when people talked about fandom gatekeeping and why it was bad to do, it intersected with a lot of other things, mainly feminism and classism. The prevalent image of fandom gatekeeping was, like, a man learning that a woman likes Star Wars and haughtily demanding, “Oh, yeah? Well if you’re REALLY a fan, name ten EU novels” to belittle and dismiss her, expecting that a “real fan” would have the money and time to be familiar with the EU, and ignoring the fact that male movie-only fans were still considered fans. The thing being gatekept was the very definition of “being a fan” and people’s right to describe themselves as one.

That’s not what I mean when I say maybe fandom should gatekeep more. Anyone can call themselves a fan if they like something, that’s fine. But when it comes to the ability to enjoy the fanworks produced by the fandom community…that might be something worth gatekeeping.

See, back in the 00s, it was perfectly common for people to just…not go on the internet. Surfing the web was a thing, but it was just, like, a fun pastime. Not everyone did it. It wasn’t until the rise of social media that going online became a thing everyone and their grandmother did every day. Back then, going on the internet was just…a hobby.

So one of the first gates online fandom ever had was the simple fact that the entire world wasn’t here yet.

The entire world is here now. That gate has been demolished.

And it’s a lot easier to find us now. Even scattered across platforms, fandom is so centralized these days. It isn’t a network of dedicated webshrines and forums that you can only find via webrings anymore, it’s right there on all the big social media sites. AO3 didn’t set out to be the main fanfic website, but that’s definitely what it’s become. It’s easy for people to find us--and that includes people who don’t care about the community, and just want “content.”

Transformative fandom doesn’t like it when people see our fanworks as “content”. “Content” is a pretty broad term, but when fandom uses it we’re usually referring to creative works that are churned out by content creators to be consumed by an audience as quickly as possible as often as possible so that the content creator can generate revenue. This not-so-new normal has caused a massive shift in how people who are new to fandom view fanworks--instead of seeing fic or art as something a fellow fan made and shared with you, they see fanworks as products to be consumed.

Transformative fandom has, in general, always been a gift economy. We put time and effort into creating fanworks that we share with our fellow fans for free. We do this so we don’t get sued, but fandom as a whole actually gets a lot out of the gift economy. Offer your community a story, and in return you can get comments, build friendships, or inspire other people to write things that you might want to read. Readers are given the gift of free stories to read and enjoy, and while lurking is fine, they have the choice to engage with the writer and other readers by leaving comments or making reclists to help build the community.

And look, don’t get me wrong. People have never engaged with fanfic as much as fan writers wish they would. There has always been “no one comments anymore” wank. There have always been people who only comment to say “MORE!” or otherwise demand or guilt trip writers into posting the next chapter. But fandom has always agreed that those commenters are rude and annoying, and as those commenters navigate fandom they have the chance to learn proper community etiquette.

However, now it seems that a lot of the people who are consuming fanworks aren’t actually in the community. 

I won’t say “they aren’t real fans” because that’s silly; there’s lots of ways to be a fan. But there seem to be a lot of fans now who have no interest in fandom as a community, or in adhering to community etiquette, or in respecting the gift economy. They consume our fics, but they don’t appreciate fan labor. They want our “content”, but they don’t respect our control over our creations.

And even worse--they see us as a resource. We share our work for free, as a gift, but all they see is an open-source content farm waiting to be tapped into. We shared it for free, so clearly they can do whatever they want with it. Why should we care if they feed our work into AI training datasets, or copy/paste our unfinished stories into ChatGPT to get an ending, or charge people for an unnecessary third-party AO3 app, or sell fanbindings on etsy for a profit without the author’s permission, or turn our stories into poor imitations of podfics to be posted on other platforms without giving us credit or asking our consent, while also using it to lure in people they can datascrape for their Forbes 30 Under 30 company? 

And sure, people have been doing shady things with other people’s fanworks since forever. Art theft and reposting has always been a big problem. Fanfic is harder to flat-out repost, but I’ve heard of unauthorized fic translations getting posted without crediting the original author. Once in…I think the 2010s? I read a post by a woman who had gone to some sort of local bookselling event, only to find that the man selling “his” novel had actually self-published her fanfic. (Wish I could find that one again, I don’t even remember where I read it.)

But aside from that third example, the thing is…as awful as fanart/writing theft is, back in the day, the main thing a thief would gain from it was clout. Clout that should rightfully go to the creators who gifted their work in the first place, yeah, but still. Just clout. People will do a lot of hurtful things for clout, but fandom clout means nothing outside of fandom. Fandom clout is not enough to incentivize the sort of wide-scale pillaging we’re seeing from community outsiders today.

Money, on the other hand… Well, fandom’s just a giant, untapped content farm, isn’t it? Think of how much revenue all that content could generate.

Lurkers are a normal and even beneficial part of any online community. Maybe one day they’ll de-lurk and easily slide into place beside their fellow fans because they already know the etiquette. Maybe they’re active in another community, and they can spread information from the community they lurk in to the community they’re active in. At the very least, they silently observe, and even if they’re not active community members, they understand the community.

Fans who see fanworks as “content” don’t belong in the same category as lurkers. They’re tourists. 

While reading through the initial Reddit thread on the lore.fm situation, I found this comment:

[ID: Reddit User Cabbitowo says: ... So in anime fandoms we have a word called tourist and essentially it means a fan of a few anime and doesn't care about anime tropes and actively criticizes them. This is kind of how fandoms on tiktok feel. They're touring fanfics and fanart and actively criticizes tropes that have been in the fandom since the 60s. They want to be in a fandom but they don't want to engage in fandom 

OP totallymandy responds: Just entered back into Reddit after a long day to see this most recent reply. And as a fellow anime fan this making me laugh so much since it’s true! But it sorta hurts too when the reality sets in. Modern fandom is so entitled and bratty and you’d think it’s the minors only but that’s not even true, my age-mates and older seem to be like that. They want to eat their cake and complain all whilst bringing nothing to the potluck… :/ END ID]

-

“Tourist” is an apt name for this sort of fan. They don’t want to be part of our community, and they don’t have to be in order to come into our spaces and consume our work. Even if they don’t steal our work themselves, they feel so entitled to it that they’re fine with ignoring our wishes and letting other people take it to make AI “podfics” for them to listen to (there are a lot of comments on lore.fm’s shutdown announcement video from people telling them to just ignore the writers and do it anyway). They’ll use AI to generate an ending to an unfinished fic because they don’t care about seeing “the ending this writer would have given to the story they were telling”, they just want “an ending”. For these tourist fans, the ends justify the means, and their end goal is content for them to consume, with no care for the community that created it for them in the first place.

I don’t think this is confined to a specific age group. This isn’t “13-year-olds on Wattpad” or “Zoomers on TikTok” or whatever pointless generation war we’re in now. This is coming from people who are new to fandom, whose main experience with creative works on the internet is this new content culture and who don’t understand fandom as a community. That description can be true of someone from any age group.

It’s so easy to find fandom these days. It is, in fact, too easy. Newcomers face no hurdles or challenges that would encourage them to lurk and observe a bit before engaging, and it’s easy for people who would otherwise move on and leave us alone to start making trouble. From tourist fans to content entrepreneurs to random people who just want to gawk, it’s so easy for people who don’t care about the fandom community to reap all of its fruits. 

So when I say maybe fandom should start gatekeeping a bit, I’m referring to the fact that we barely even have a gate anymore. Everyone is on the internet now; the entire world can find us, and they don’t need to bother learning community etiquette when they do. Before, we were protected by the fact that fandom was considered weird and most people didn’t look at it twice. Now, fandom is pretty mainstream. People who never would’ve bothered with it before are now comfortable strolling in like they own the place. They have no regard for the fandom community, they don’t understand it, and they don’t want to. They want to treat it just like the rest of the content they consume online.

And then they’re surprised when those of us who understand fandom culture get upset. Fanworks have existed far longer than the algorithmic internet’s content. Fanworks existed long before the internet. We’ve lived like this for ages and we like it.

So if someone can’t be bothered to respect fandom as a community, I don’t see why I should give them easy access to my fics.

Think of it like a garden gate

When I interact with commenters on my fic, I have this sense of hospitality.

The comment section is my front porch. The fic is my garden. I created my garden because I really wanted to, and I’m proud of it, and I’m happy to share it with other people. 

Lots of people enjoy looking at my garden. Many walk through without saying anything. Some stop to leave kudos. Some recommend my garden to their friends. And some people take the time to stop by my front porch and let me know what a beautiful garden it is and how much they’ve enjoyed it. 

Any fic writer can tell you that getting comments is an incredible feeling. I always try to answer all my comments. I don’t always manage it, but my fics’ comment sections are the one place that I manage to consistently socialize in fandom. When I respond to a comment, it feels like I’m pouring out a glass of lemonade to share with this lovely commenter on my front porch, a thank you for their thank you. We take a moment to admire my garden together, and then I see them out. The next time they drop by, I recognize them and am happy to pour another glass of lemonade.

My garden has always been open and easy to access. No fences, no walls. You just have to know where to find it. Fandom in general was once protected by its own obscurity, an out-of-the-way town that showed up on maps but was usually ignored.

But now there’s a highway that makes it easy to get to, and we have all these out-of-towner tourists coming in to gawk and steal our lawn ornaments and wonder if they can use the place to make themselves some money.

I don’t care to have those types trampling over my garden and eating all my vegetables and digging up my flowers to repot and sell, so I’ve put up a wall. It has a gate that visitors can get through if they just take the time to open it.

Admittedly, it’s a small obstacle. But when I share my fics, I share them as a gift with my fellow fans, the ones who understand that fandom is a community, even if they’re lurkers. As for tourist fans and entrepreneurs who see fic as content, who have no qualms ignoring the writer’s wishes, who refuse to respect or understand the fandom community…well, they’re not the people I mean to share my fic with, so I have no issues locking them out. If they want access to my stories, they’ll have to do the bare minimum to become a community member and join the AO3 invite queue.

And y’know, I’ve said a lot about fandom and community here, and I just want to say, I hope it’s not intimidating. When I was younger, talk about The Fandom Community made me feel insecure, and I didn’t think I’d ever manage to be active enough in fandom spaces to be counted as A Member Of The Community. But you don’t have to be a social butterfly to participate in fandom. I’ll always and forever be a chronic lurker, I reblog more than I post, I rarely manage to comment on fic, and I go radio silent for months at a time--but I write and post fanfiction. That’s my contribution.

Do you write, draw, vid, gif, or otherwise create? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you leave comments? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you curate reclists? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you maintain a fandom blog or fuckyeah blog? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you provide a space for other fans to convene in? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you regularly send asks (off anon so people know who you are)? Congrats, you're a community member.

Do you have fandom friends who you interact with? Congrats, you're a community member.

There’s lots of ways to be a fan. Just make sure to respect and appreciate your fellow fans and the work they put in for you to enjoy and the gift economy fandom culture that keeps this community going.

[a-soft-fluffy-girl]

TL;DR: Steam just made library sharing so much fucking easier and so much fucking better. Instead of login-trading, it's just a simple goddamn invite.

Read this. Really. It's a good read. Because it shows that, full-stop, Valve isn't just doubling down on their stance to make sure that people can and should be able to share their copies of digital goods as easily as they can physical ones, but they're making it better and easier than ever.

But you know how Steam allowed you to, with either friends or family, link accounts with another person to be able to establish an ability to share game libraries with one another? The general gist of Steam Family Sharing was that, with a limit of five people plus you (six in total) on a limit of ten computers total could share account access to willingly mix your libraries. You could play theirs. They could play yours.

This was a huge boon. It was meant to emulate sharing a physical copy of a game. A way to allow children to play games their parents or siblings had bought without having to fork over double the cash to buy it a second game. But it had some major limitations and drawbacks, and was archaic to use.

If a person did not share the same computer, you had to manually log into that computer to give it and the accounts on it access. This wouldn't be a problem if both accounts were used on the same computer, but many households (and astronomically more family and friend groups) had multiple computers, all used by different people.

If that computer, at any point, was hard reset to any point before the sharing occurred, you lost access. And had to do the whole process again. This was also an issue with computer transfers. The whole kit and kaboodle needed to be redone on upgrades. On top of that, the old computer is now just dead weight that you may not realize you have to manually revoke access to.

Putting your account information on another person's computer opens up security issues. They could, intentionally or accidentally, land themselves on your account if the login information was stored. Which could easily lead to purchases or bans you did not want to happen.

If anyone was, at any point, playing any game on their own library, you had no access to their games. Even if it was a totally different game, you had to wait your turn as if waiting for their computer to be freed up to sit at. (Admittedly this is kind of like the "mom said it's my turn on the xbox" meme, but hey, kinda archaic.)

You could not choose whose library you accessed a game from. Not at all. It always prioritized the first library it gained access from, DLC access and multiplayer be damned. If another friend you were accepting games from had more DLC? Too bad.

And yet here we are. Steam Families Beta fixes EVERYTHING about the above issues. By just going through Settings > Interface > client Beta Participation and clicking onto Steam Families Beta? You get:

No more login sharing. No more computer links. You can now choose which person's library you borrowed from. And you can play any other game from someone's library, even while they're in-game. It just needs to be a different game than what they're playing.

Pick five people. Invite them to your family. And now everyone has access to everyone's library. My goddamn library went from 150-ish to almost a goddamn thousand in ten minutes of setup.

Account sharing and password sharing are dirty words that "lose" billions of dollars. Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, Max. They aren't game storefronts, but they still allow you to access massive libraries and scream like you murdered their firstborns for daring to share your password with your mother after you moved out.

Microsoft tried pushing to demonize and undercut used games sales and borrowed copies of physical games. Remember the first attempt to reveal the Xbox One? People forget, but these vultures tried to make an always online console that checked to see if you were the account that owned the game, even if you had a physical disc, and prevent access to the disc's contents if you weren't the original downloader.

Valve walked the fuck up. Valve tapped the mic. And Valve dropped the fucking thing right onto the ground with one feature's revamp.

About the only issues I can see with this are twofold:

If someone sharing your library gets banned from a game's servers... so do you. No one else in the family does, but the both of you do. This is... rather unpleasant, because banhammers can be dropped quite frequently by mistake. I'd urge Valve to rethink this one, but I see the logic: don't cheat and effectively bite the hand feeding you. Still making me side-eye that, though.

If you leave a family you've joined? You have to wait a YEAR to join a new one. It's to prevent people form jumping ship to another group and screwing over who's in the former one in the process, but a YEAR? OUCH.

Problems aside, though... it's probably the biggest fucking power move I have ever seen a media distributor make in the current economic climate. It's the kind of thing that would let so many new games be available in a way that's easier than ever. Just a few clicks to send or accept an invite, and bam. Permanent access to dozens or even hundreds of new games with so much more freedom than earlier drafts of the system.

It's the kind of thing that slaps you in the face with positivity after so many Ls from the games and media industries. And I'm all the fuck for a W like this.

[mossy-aro]

sorry but i am SO deeply tired of the 'aphobia isnt real' arguments because they are literally always being conducted in such bad faith. NO there is not specific societal or legal discrimation against aces and aros BECAUSE we are asexual and or aromantic. you cannot hold specifically bigoted beliefs towards a group you do not even know exist. there ARE, however, underlying and deeply pervasive systems and beliefs that actively erase, dehumanise and make life tangibly more difficult for aro and ace people on a social, economic and legal basis. most of this is due to hyperinvisibility, the medicalisation of any nonnormative + misunderstood orientations, the elevation of romance + romantic structures as the most important aspects of interpersonal relationships in society, as well as the nuclear atomisation of the family. among other things. like. amatonormativity has never been ABOUT aromantic people specfically oh my GOD. its simply the underlying social belief that everyone is expected to be in monogamous romantic relationships and that those relationships are expected to the default centre of one's life. its something that affects EVERYONE! but within that it affects aromantic people in a specific and heightened way because of our inability to participate in it in a societally acceptable way. like these are not 'aromantic' or 'asexual' or 'polyamorous' issues specifically. these are theories and terms that originated within feminist + queer sociology studies! its all part of the wider underlying social fabric! aspec people are simply pointing out that we are often affected by these things in unique and often unseen ways.

the idea that we believe people actively 'hate' us for being asexual or aromantic is completely ridiculous. most people i know do not even know the definition of those words! so how could they hate me for it. they could however, for example, hold the pervasive + societally unchallenged belief that not experiencing sexual or romantic attraction is a medical issue or something concerningly abnormal in a human being + something i should get fixed. and its not uncommon that when you DO explain that its simply your orientation to them, they continue to medicalise it and see it as some sort of issue. genuinely so deeply tired of having to explain this to people time and time again when they only want to cherry pick the most ridiculous arguments to respond to and then act as if that's a majority held opinion in the aspec community. like i actually think we are aware of how society views us we're not fucking deluded and stupid. we don't have victim complexes we are just pointing out facts that yall are so desperate to ignore. UGHHHHH

[frownyalfred]

Why is it so hard to find ppl that actually understand bruce? I am tired of either finding ppl that see him as an abuser or others that only love wfa version of him I am really tired of this like really I can't even join a Fandom without getting my favorite character not getting mischaracterized left and right 😔

I'm going to rant a little bit here, and I apologize in advance. This isn't really directed at you. But I'm kind of tired of this flavor of ask. I get it a lot -- half of these asks are praising me for having a "good" interpretation of canon, and the other half are blasting me for being too "fanon" and bending too much to fandom tropes in my posts and writing. And of course the nonstop WFA hatred in my inbox is tiring.

Be the change you want to see in the world. If you don't like what the fandom is doing to your blorbo, write him your way. But sitting at the edge of the playpen complaining about how someone else is playing with their toys isn't useful. And it's really getting annoying to me, as a content creator.

I'm also tired of the superiority some canon-adherents have over those who write/draw more fanon tropes. So many of you are SO bitter over the idea that fandom is "ruining" Bruce or your other Batfamily blorbo because how DARE they write your blorbo in that way that is so OOC. How DARE they! And yet, you sit on the sidelines and create bitchy tumblr posts about how those fandom participants are stupid, or ill-informed, or simply don't have the higher thinking ability to understand your blorbo like you do.

And yet. You don't write Bruce the way you "enjoy." You don't create content or share posts or promote those canon characteristics you so highly value. Instead, you write posts complaining about the others in this fandom and deride them for being stupid like adhering to canon strictly somehow makes you better than anyone else. You mock their acceptance of fanon tropes as canon as if there is required reading in this fandom, entirely dismissing the idea that the line between DC fanon/canon is confusing as hell on a good day, and ignoring that the natural progression of engaging in fandom is finding out -- sometimes on your own timeline -- what actually happened in canon. Especially when canon is so vast.

And guess what? At the end of the day, we are all on the fandom website(s). You're still reading fanfiction at the end of the day. Canon or fanon or some blend of the in-between, you are still a fan participating in fandom content in some way or another. And we are all equal in that respect.

We are all here to enjoy these characters. Fanfiction is a medium that allows us to further explore canon, yes, But it is also a way to explore the OOC, the what-if's, the out of character but fandom-fave ideas and tropes people want. The fact that OTHER people enjoy those things should never impact your enjoyment of fandom.

If you cannot handle someone else playing with the same toys as you, but playing with them in a way you don't like, you need to go back to preschool. And if someone won't give you your toy back, find another one. Write the story. Create the post. Build your own engagement from the ground up, finding likeminded people if you can. They are definitely on here.

But I get the impression that when people complain about fanon "ruining" fandom, what they're actually saying is "I'm upset that canon content isn't as popular as fanon content." And that, I can't help you with. We can't always change what other people love or want to engage with.

I'm sorry that this rant is blunt, but it's been simmering inside me for a while. I'm really tired of getting and deleting this ask 15 times a day. You will not find much sympathy on this blog for canon purism and the derision of fanon/fandom, and for that I apologize. But it's the truth.

I enjoy consuming content about both "fanon" and canon Bruce. I like the contrast and complexities. But I have seriously had to stop following a ton of blogs in the last year who don't create "canon" content anymore and instead spend their time complaining about other people in the fandom who are just enjoying themselves and creating their own content. It's incredibly disheartening and frustrating.

[angelfishe]

|| 🂱🂱 𝐒𝐐𝐔𝐈𝐃 𝐆𝐀𝐌𝐄. 🂱🂱 ||

<< yandere VIP Zhongli x Player!reader >>

After your mother suddenly has gotten her self into a large debt that seems it is never gonna end, someone recruited you to participate in a game to clean off that debt, but turns out it was a life and death situation as well meeting some familiar faces.

A one shot of my previous post

Warning : includes some dub-con intimacy, spoilers for the squid game series, blood, violence, as well mentions of intimacy

<< Viewers discretion is advised>>

Your mother has gotten herself into a large amount of debt for no apparent reason, she got Carried away in an illegal casino as well taking a loan from an illegal casino.

So you took odd jobs to pay off the debt to help her, but it never seems to end for you guys suffering. Everyday is tiring getting up at 4 am and going home at 11 pm, it was exhausting.

You were tired one day after a night shift, and was waiting at the train station to go home until a man in a business suit approached you, saying why don't you guys play a game for some money. You were desperate for cash so you accepted it.

After that, you receive some slaps but you eventually win. You get your cash and as well a business card about playing a game and clearing your debt.

You decided to take your chances and go with a friend to this so-called game. You and her wait for the car that was taken to you guys towards the game and when it arrives you guys suddenly fall asleep. You guys wake up in a green jump suit with different numbers on it.

After the game rules were laid out by the guards and the first game was "red light, green light", you didn't think much of it and followed the game as usual. Until one person moves during a red light and was shot, and soon all hell broke loss

People ran towards the exit and ended up getting shot left and right, you and your friend didn't know what to do and was scared to move and that's how you guys survive the first game.

During the dalgona shape game, unfortunately for you, you receive a star shape one. You were stressing about it until a guard next to you decided to drop a lighter right next to you and you unknowingly grab to use it.

During the third game it was a miracle that your team managed to win, during the night when there were lights out people left and right started to eliminate each other.

You were safe due to you hiding under the bed. Unfortunately during the 4th game, the marble game. Your friend decided to back stab you and cause you to lose the game.

She was allowed to leave and you were told to stay behind, you thought they were going to shoot you but they drag you into somewhere in the facility.

You were screaming and begging them to let you go, and you were pushed into a luxurious room inside a bed night stand and a man wearing an expensive brown suit and was wearing a deer mask facing the other way so his back was facing you.

"I'm so glad I've got to meet you again my love" he's voice sounds familiar, "it's a shame you don't recognize me have you forgotten my voice after those years being apart because the only thing that has kept me sane was your voice".

The man took off revealing it was your ex husband zhongli, you guys divorce about three years ago how possessive he was with you, unwilling for you to let you go anywhere but home saying it was dangerous.

He was a famous consultant when you guys were married and you both were living comfortably, until your divorce and you heard that he joined the army for 2 years and after leaving he managed to climb himself into the world of the elite reaching fortunes of those Unimaginable.

He seems way more taller and muscular since the last time you saw him maybe he's been working out. As well growing his hair to the point of reaching his back side.

He approach you and envelopes you into a large bear hug, saying how much he misses you and loves you. While you're there just shock contemplating why he is here in this game as well knowing where you were.

And the entire time he was also saying how he was right and the world is a dangerous place as well saying you would have been with him and not be in this game. He was about to give you a kiss until you pushed him to create some distance from him.

You ask him why he was here, and he answered that his friend "childe" tip him off about an entertainment experience that was once in a lifetime to enjoy. And that's how he became a vip to the squid game, he originally wasn't fond of these games but he was glad he came because he saw you on the list of participants. And now he's here to save you and bring you back home

He said he could clear the debt, saying that the debt of 100 million mora wouldn't make a dent in his fortune it was just a small amount as well about the dealings of the illegal casino saying his friends own it and will pay off the debt as long as he gets to have you back.

Without a choice you decided to take him back, and he enveloped you to his embrace as well kissing your lips. He walks you both towards the bed and pins you down.

He grabs the deer mask that was put on the night stand and puts it on your face and then he undresses you from the jump suit "let's get you out of these dirty clothes".

He's more muscular, more broader and much more stronger as well having some experience in the bedroom after you guys divorce, I mean he would usually imagine the ones who were underneath him was you.

As well as having more stamina since the military training, leaving you breathless and thoughtless after the deed was done. After 3 years apart he must have been pent up a lot. Admiring and memorising your figure as well singing praises about your screams of pleasure and how he misses it.

After some time you receive some high end clothing from the guards as well having your own golden mask. You and him walk arm on arm in link together as if the universe doesn't want to separate you again and you guys take a seat watching the last player fight for the Fortune.

[scribefindegil]

When you encounter a person who does not do something that you consider normative, you need to understand that they could be either stating a barrier or expressing a boundary. A barrier is "I would like to partake of the normative activity, but I can't due to other factors." A boundary is "I have made a decision not to participate in the normative activity."

Many people do not believe that boundaries actually exist! This is why it's so common to give a clear "No" on an issue and get inundated with people saying "But have you tried-" They can't conceptualize that anyone might actually want to avoid X thing, so they assume that you totally want to do X and you would love X so much if only they could figure out a way around whatever pesky obstacle is getting in your way. But humanity contains multitudes, and for any given experience you consider vital for happiness I promise there are people who are Just Not Interested.

If someone is stating a boundary, do NOT talk about how sad their life must be, and do NOT try to push them! Just accept that their life experience is very different from your own, and isn't that a beautiful thing?

Barriers are different. Barriers suck. With boundaries, the only problem is other people being dicks. With barriers, the problem is the barrier itself . . . and probably, additionally, people being dicks. There's really not a way to win in the people being dicks department when you don't do something that other people have decided is Necessary For Humaning.

If someone is talking about a barrier they face, still don't talk about how sad their life must be, although it's fine to commiserate with a friend if they're complaining. It's hard! Some barriers are pretty insurmountable; the person might not ever get to do X even though they want to. And a lot of people don't believe that this kind of barrier exists either; we're very much taught that you can do anything if you try hard enough, when that is simply not true. If someone tells you that they can't do something, listen to them and respect that.

The only reason for not doing X that people really acknowledge as real are the surmountable barriers. And these are real, but even in these cases you should always assume that the person knows themself best and not give advice unless they've specifically asked for it. But if they have asked, it's chill to try to brainstorm solutions with them.

As someone who has both things going on, it really sucks that people tend to assume that everything is a) a barrier issue and b) that they personally have the solution to it. Don't do this.

The only way you can tell if something is a boundary or a barrier is to listen to people and believe them.

Example:

If you offer someone a drink and they say, "No thanks . . . I haven't really found anything that I like yet," (barrier, potentially surmountable) it is probably cool to ask them if they're open to trying something new, and if they say yes ask about their tastes to try to find a drink they would enjoy! They might like it or they might not.

If you offer someone a drink and they say, "I can't, it interacts with my meds," (barrier, insurmountable) you can say, "Aw, that sucks!" and offer them something nonalcoholic.

If you offer someone a drink and they say, "I don't drink," (BOUNDARY) you should give them a mocktail and shut the fuck up.

[supercutszns]

bitter to the taste; luke castellan

series masterlist

wc + pairing: 5.5k, luke castellan x f!reader

synopsis: a sharp blade, a black eye, and (more than) two kisses.

warnings: this is even sluttier than the last one, language, sword fighting, sharp objects, blood/injuries, reader is still a horrible person and so is luke but he's also a loooser, making out, allusions/mentions of sex but no super explicit descriptions, kind of fluffy at the end

notes: i’m starting to hate this bc i think i’ve been staring at it too long sorry if this is not as good as pt.1 but i have plans for this series ok. also READER AND LUKE ARE NOT GOOD PEOPLE!!! THEIR RELATIONSHIP WILL NOT ALWAYS BE GOOD!!! THEY SUCK!! they are also not real but keep that in mind :) synopsis inspired by crush by ethel cain; designated song for this fic is unpunishable by ethel cain (i’ve got a whole chronological playlist for these freaks like it’s serious)

You’ve always had a taste for violence. And an equally powerful penchant for sloth. 

You prefer to watch the carnage, not participate. It satisfies something inside you that you know, if it wasn’t for your laziness, could cause something irrevocable. Who the hell has time for that?. You’d rather lie back and watch instead.

This flaw of yours is the only reason you haven’t stirred more trouble, you think. It’s the reason you never attend camp games or sparring lessons. Sometimes, when you do, a dark muscle flexes inside your heart to curl out of its slumber, forming a hunger you don’t have otherwise. The second it starts to pry you have to rear yourself back and tuck the monster in. Banish the need for something more.

You don’t want to feed it. You don’t know what happens if you do. So you let other people do the feeding for you.

Luke cuts through two dummy heads in one swoop. It’s fucking gorgeous. The moon reflects off his sword, a silver sheen casting his face when he’s in the right spot. His brows are set, eyes so dark they blend with the night. Every motion is ruthless. Satisfying. 

You don’t know how many times you’ve watched him like this. He called you out for it last night, but you’re sure he doesn’t know the half of it. The shadows are a sacred cloak to you, and you wait inside them until you want your presence known. 

Meet me tomorrow. 

It runs through your head like a broken record. You can still feel his breath on your lips and your neck is still tender—had to wear a sweater in the blazing heat to hide the marks. Since you were created you’ve accepted a universal truth about yourself: you don’t harbour affection for anyone or anything. There’s not a single thing you’ve felt drawn to or protective over but yourself. It’s solitary, yes, and lonely, yes, but that’s the way you’re supposed to be. 

But you think about last night. You think about the moments between the kisses and the rush. When he teased you against your ear. When his hand brushed a certain spot on your back and something much lighter fluttered inside of you. When you crawled into sleep and thought about him, those were the moments that struck you the strangest. 

His gaze pans over the treeline every once in a while, the anger diluted. Then it comes back twice as hard as he shreds another dummy to pieces. 

He’s waiting for you. Oh, this is rich! A better person would probably turn around and go spoon their offerings into the bonfire the second they understand what they’re doing is incredibly destructive. But who are we kidding? You wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t. 

So you take a step forward, slip out of the comfort of the dark, and the next time he looks to the treeline he knows you’re there. He can’t see you, but he knows. 

You wait. His strikes are less tenuous, much smoother. It almost makes you laugh. Some fucking showman he is. 

Eventually, he buries his blade in the dirt and wipes his brow. “Are you gonna come talk to me or are you gonna stare at me all night like an owl?”

You relish in the feeling of shedding the darkness, coming into the light of the moon. “Hi,” you say flatly, but there’s a tiny smile on his face when he sees you that almost puts you off. 

“Hello, rotten.” He tries to lean on the hilt of his sword but it isn’t quite tall enough so he stumbles. It’s so pathetic it almost makes you laugh. 

“Don’t call me that,” you grimace.

“Okay, back to heathen?”

“Don’t call me that either.”

“Well, you don’t seem too happy when people call you by your name so pick your poison here.” 

You don’t say anything, your mouth set in a scowl. “All right, both it is,” Luke shrugs.

He’s different from last night. Less impatient. You hope it’s not because he thinks he has you now—he’s got another thing coming. “I almost thought you weren’t gonna come,” he says with a crooked grin, neither bashful nor ashamed. 

You’ve made your way closer to him, the soft grass turning to dusty earth. “Don’t know why I did,” you mutter crassly. 

Having abandoned his sword, Luke chuckles wryly. “Yes, you do.”

That bitterness he hides from everyone else pierces through. He tilts your face up like he did yesterday, the press of his fingers beneath your chin almost burning you. You know he’s peering at the marks on your neck. 

“If you made me come here just to hook up with me you’re delusional,” you glare. 

“What, like that’s not why you’re here?” He pushes your face up a little higher, grinning a little when you add resistance. “I’m a gentleman, you know. I can be patient.”

This guy is full of fucking shit.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” you snipe. The only point of contact you have is his hand on your chin, but you’re a hair’s breadth away from having everything else. The air drifting between you is almost palpable, shrinking smaller and smaller like it’s terrified of being trapped between you.

He keeps your face still. He’s studying you, and you’re suddenly curious about what he sees. You remember all those looks you’d share at the dinner tables that made this happen in the first place. What did he see then? 

“You wanna fight?”

It takes you a second to react. “What?”

“You want to fight. Pick up a sword, let’s go.” He smiles as he finally lets you go, waltzing away from you to unbury his sword from the dirt. His touch permeates through your skin and you hate it. 

“What the fuck are you talking about? I can’t fight.”

“Sure you can,” he replies, grabbing another sword from the training rack. “You need to burn off a little steam.”

You laugh sharply. “And you think me waving a sword around is gonna do that?”

“Uh, yeah,” he grins. “It’s the method that lets us keep the most clothes on.” 

You glare at him. His smirk is a mile wide. The way your stomach is simmering almost makes you sick; it’s like gorging yourself on candy except this time the candy has a sword and maybe wants to fuck you. 

You just watch as he hands you his sword, and the moonlight glinting off the metal has you believing it’s not the kind used for training. “I’ll use the dull one,” he assures. “C’mon, heathen. I know you’ve used a sword before, they force us to.”

“I usually skip those classes.”

He laughs. You can’t tell if it’s at you or with you. “Of course you do.”

You don’t like following orders, but oh, what the hell. Luke knows something about you, just like you know something about him. You’re only a little curious about it. 

“Straighten your back,” is the first thing he says once you’ve taken your stance across from him. The blunt of his sword reaches out to tap your hip. 

You begrudgingly do as you’re told. He watches you mirthfully, and the press of his sword against you starts to feel like a substitute for his hand. All the closeness you’re hungry for, dampened by cold steel. It still makes you buzz. 

He gives you the barebones—the right grip, how to maneuver, the proper balance. But long gone is his easy disposition. The motor inside him that powered all those dummy beheadings and disembowelments is running again, except this time it’s for you. He wants a fight. This is his battlefield. All right, you’ll bite.

You start to spar with the skill of an overgrown toddler. The sword feels like an unnatural ligament hanging off your body. Luke is precise, convicting, far more enthusiastic than you. “You can do better than that,” he prods after your swords clash lazily for the billionth time. “Stop going easy.”

“You’re going easy,” you shoot back. 

“Yeah, but I’d really rather not. Come on.” 

There’s a moment of hesitation. You think about that dark thing you keep harboured. A muscle aching to be used. 

“Come on,” he says again, and he almost sounds pissed. “All of a sudden you’re playing nice? What are you afraid of?”

Something flares inside you. “Nothing!”

“Then pick up the sword and fight me.”

You huff and roll your eyes, but your next swing is far more inspired. Luke blocks it easily, but you don’t care. “There we go,” he nods. “Again.”

This is more than you bargained for when you decided to come see him. All you want is to make out with this hot, awful person and have him tell you hot, awful things about yourself you probably already know. Why do you have to fight to get it? 

He keeps provoking you no matter how hard you try. Your temper picks up the more you swing, discordant clangs bruising the air, but it’s still not enough. Luke doesn’t let up. Of course the one time you try to be nice, you’re not allowed to. On second thought, why are you reigning yourself in for Luke? The only other person in camp with a real, consuming viciousness? If anything you should hit him twice as hard, since he’s so sure he can take it. 

“No wonder you’re so angry all the time,” Luke heaves out, and it gives you a swell of satisfaction. “You don’t have a proper outlet. Maybe you’d be nicer if you didn’t sit around and complain all day.”

“Shut up,” you gnash your teeth. 

“Just saying, maybe you should do something about it.”

You’re getting lost in the rhythm of the swords, the adrenaline, the sweat passing the scar on his cheek. Every swing you think less and less, and that dark muscle flexes more and more. It feels like home to you. Like a good meal. Your bones ache and the world has darkened, but that rotten pit inside you cracks open in full bloom. 

Luke keeps egging you on but you can’t hear him. Not like he still needs to. You think you’re smiling, or huffing furiously, or both. The sharpness of the sword intrigues you. A million terrible things reflect off its blade and you imagine them, all at once, until you are out of your body and the black hole inside you has properly wedged itself open. 

Luke jabs at you and you bring your sword down with a vengeance. But it’s a little too low. You only notice when he drops his weapon to the side and staggers back.

The fog of violence falters. It fades almost completely when he hisses long and hard, eyes screwed shut, and you see the tear in his shirt. In his skin. 

“Shit,” you say. “Fuck.”

You don’t sound sorry, you don’t think you are sorry, especially when he laughs. It’s a wheezy one through his teeth as you come up to him, but a laugh nonetheless. “Knew you were going easy,” he remarks through a wince. 

You ignore him, looking down at the injury. A  gash across his abdomen. It’s bleeding a little, but not enough for it to drip. You did that. Just looking at the blood, you feel the bitter taste of it in your mouth, the reward a temporary hunger for carnage brought you. This is why you don’t play camp games. 

“I’ve got thick skin. I’m fine,” Luke says casually. “I’ve got a medical kit under that tree over there in case I beat myself up too bad.” He’s no longer scrunched in pain, and you’ve got a feeling he’s telling the truth. So you go fetch the kit where he said it was. You need to wrap that slash. Not because you’re sorry for him, but because looking at it makes you angry. 

You kneel and pop the lid of the small tin kit, covered in dirt. It’s mostly gauze and bandages. Rubbing alcohol too. “Just give me the gauze, that’s all I need,” Luke gestures. 

“Shut the fuck up, I’m doing it myself.” You’ve already torn off some gauze, sitting all the way up on your knees. 

“Most people just say sorry.”

“You pushed me,” you spit back, surprisingly forceful. Luke’s smile drops. You take a deep breath, adjusting yourself to get eye level with the injury. “I told you I don’t fight.”

You’re not sure what makes Luke give in, but he doesn’t say a word as you lift the hem of his torn shirt and he holds it up. There’s no proud remark about your eyes lingering on his stomach, or the hesitation in your hands. You stare at the wound. It really is shallow. Your thumb presses at the skin around it and he winces. “My bad,” you mutter. 

As you sterilize the cut and wrap the gauze around his torso, you try not to let your fingertips cling to the warmth on his skin. You try not to notice the other scars littered there, most faded to the point they should be impossible to pick up even in the sun. It’s obvious he’s staring at you. Your neck is crawling with warmth. But you don’t engage, you just wrap the gauze a few times and do your best not to notice the rise and fall beneath his muscles as he breathes. Then you fasten things neatly and put everything away so you can get up. Any second. Come on. 

“Good?” You ask instead, exhaling. 

“Good,” he affirms. He slides a hand under your forearm and gets you up. It stays there once you’re standing. The night stills. 

“I’m guessing you’re adding ‘attempted killer’ to your list of horrible qualities,” you go on to break the silence.

He holds your gaze unyieldingly. “I’d consider that a pro, actually.” 

You are entirely fed up with this drawn out evening, but you can’t bring yourself to speed anything up any more than stepping closer so your chests brush. “I will give you one, though,” he continues, craning down to your ear. You smell his skin and it sends you back to the position you were in yesterday. 

He finally kisses your jaw, just once, then your neck. You shiver. “You’re too tense.” Another kiss behind your ear. It’s not enough. “Do you even know how to have fun?”

“I don’t want to have fun,” you reply bitterly. I just want to make out with you, asshat.

Luke’s breath frosts over your face when he chuckles, but before he can get any further away you catch his mouth with yours. Almost instinctively his arm winds around you to pull you in closer, your hand looping through his curls. It's a relief, knowing last night wasn't some freak accident. This does feel good, actually, and it can happen. Everything you felt yesterday is only more urgent now, hungrier, and you're pretty sure the way you kiss him gives that away.

He indulges you, squeezing the base of your hips as his other hand thumbs across the marks on your neck. This is so fucking embarassing—you think you whine when he bites down on your bottom lip. You’ve never needed something this bad, you’ve never needed anything. But you press yourself as close to him as you can manage and his hand runs lower, slips against your inner thighs, and it’s difficult to worry about anything else. 

Until he pulls away. Like a dick. 

He doesn’t go far, his forehead pressed to yours, but you feel like pulling out all his hair. It’s a muddling mix of frustration and longing you’re starting to associate with him. “Dude,” you groan, an inner coil only starting to unwind begrudgingly compressing. 

“Let’s go for a swim,” he says. The enthusiasm is almost alarming. Almost makes him look younger.

You’re homicidal. “Are you fucking serious?”

“Yes, heathen. Let’s go for a swim, come on.”

He’s rubbing circles on your thigh, which only makes you want to strangle him. “But I—I don’t have my bathing suit,” you string out. 

The smile gets more boyish. “Wow, whatever shall we do?”

It’s another challenge. Another dare. And he knows what you want, fucking jerk. You’re going to kill him. 

“Fine,” you grunt, and the second the words leave your lips you’re pulled to the lake. 

It’s a warm, sticky evening, only made worse with the sweat and the half-assed kissing, so the water doesn’t seem all that bad. Unfortunately, you don’t like giving into demands. So you stare ghoulishly at your fingernails as Luke tosses off his ripped shirt and his shorts so he can plunge into the lake. “Aren’t you going to at least come in?” He asks, but you don’t look at him. 

“I don’t like swimming,” you lie. 

“At least your feet. It’s nice, I swear!”

A splash, like smoke moving through wind chimes. You look up and Luke has completely submerged, popping his head up closer to the mouth of the dock. “Please,” he says with such conviction your resolve turns to butter. Gods, what is happening to you? You still need that lobotomy! 

You sigh, roll your eyes, turn your back to him. “Fuck this,” you mutter under your breath. You undress to your undergarments and you’re not sure if you want Luke to be watching or not. The moon touches your bare skin and a chill trickles through you. 

You take a seat at the edge of the dock, knees tucked to your chest. Luke swims over for you right away. His hair is dripping against his skin, and you hate how beautiful it looks. The waterline is high tonight, almost ridiculously so, so he props his elbows up on the dock with no problem. “Come in,” he urges. 

“No.”

“Just your legs?”

“No.”

“Gods, I’ll make it worth it, just throw your damn legs in!” 

Your eyebrows shoot up. His face is stubbornly pink. Oh, so now he wants something. You take your time uncurling yourself and Luke wades away from the dock so you can put your feet in. The water goes up to your calves, and you shiver. “So fucking difficult,” he mutters, and your pulse flickers. 

“Sorry, what was that?” You let yourself grin for the first time all night. 

“Nothing,” he hums. This time when he comes to the dock, he wraps his hands around your calves. You’re pretty sure he can stand here because he stops treading. The warmth of the water seems to spread further, long past the threshold of your knees. 

He rests his chin just above your knee, water pooling on your skin. “Stop dripping on me,” you complain. 

“Sorry.” He fake pouts when he kisses the damp spot. You see, ever so faintly, a diabolic shift in his expression. He nudges your leg with the point of his nose, then kisses it, then starts to move it aside. “Feel bad about teasing you all night,” he murmurs, still with an edge. He presses more kisses on your legs. “I really did want to see you.”

The irony that he’s still teasing is not lost on you. You’re not loving how desperately warm you’re starting to feel. “Why’s that?” You lean back on your palms. 

“You’re a very interesting person,” he quips innocently. His hands are cupping the backs of your calves. He’s pulled you a lot closer to the water, and somehow you’ve just noticed. Another blistering kiss on the inside of your thigh. 

“You’re fucking evil,” you scathe. 

He looks up at you from between your legs. “You have literally done nothing but berate and injure me this whole evening.”

“Yeah, and right after I patch you up you jump in the water for shits. You’re playing infection roulette, Castellan.”

“See? You’re so mean.” He sighs, and in a move that almost surprises you to death, he hoists both your legs over his shoulders and they dangle into the river behind him. “And here I am anyway, making it up to you.”

You are suddenly illuminated on the purpose of this situation. Why Luke is between your legs. Your heart jolts. “Luke, you can’t be serious.” 

“Mmhm.” He leans forward to kiss right under your navel. 

You hate how much you want him to do it again, how your body burns, but you avert your eyes. “Someone’s gonna—someone’s gonna hear us.”

He snorts, “No they won’t. Either this or you come in the water with me. Or both. We’ll see.”

A huge smile cracks across your face before you push it back down. You’re going to spend a lot of time coming back to this moment, this night, wondering why. “What is wrong with you.”

It comes out like a compliment when it leaves you. You want to vanish. Luke chuckles, and something foreign to the both of you buzzes through the air. 

“Are you going to be nice?” He asks against your skin. 

“Are you going to be quick?”

His mouth finds your hip bones and yeah, why the hell would you say no to this? He nods, “Swear.” 

That’s all you need. You let your eyes slide shut and your head tilts towards the sky. Luke takes your permission and runs with it, pries you open with his mouth until the stars soak through the black of your eyelids. 

You discover pretty quickly neither of you are good at keeping promises. 

The next time you need Luke’s med kit, he’s already awake. 

It’s been happening more and more often. You lurking around camp past moonrise and finding Luke outside his cabin, going for a walk or a stretch or a … something with you. 

“Do you ever sleep?” You ask him sometimes between flurries of kisses with your back against a tree. 

“Could ask you the same thing, heathen,” he squeezes your hips and nips at your neck, but never answers the question. And neither do you, so you’re both okay with it. You’d hate to give up this feeling, but he doesn’t need to know that.

This is the first time in your punitive life you have felt alive. Like a person, with bones and flesh and soul, a real presence. Not a ghost of smoke and shadow. You are real. 

Fooling around makes you feel like an actual teenager. You’re young, you remember when Luke joins you in the dark. You’re having fun. His hands under your shirt and his mouth on your collarbone, the way he bites down and winces when you do something a little too well, when you string out his name and he rewards you for it. You’re both greedy, insatiable people, so there’s a push and pull only the two of you would ever be able to handle. And nobody has to know. Despite all the bruises, the sleepless nights, the swollen lips, all you and Luke share in the daylight are noxious looks, and that's only if he can find you. A perfect crime. Camp Half-Blood’s angel and the vice that lives in the shadows. But in the dark, it’s hard to tell which is which. 

“Luke,” you whisper. “Luke.”

“I’m up,” he grumbles, peering up at you. “You shouldn’t sneak into my cabin.” He was already sitting up in his bed when you slipped in, and he didn’t notice you were there till you were right in front of him.

“Worried someone will catch me? You should know better.” 

He follows you outside so you don’t wake the other campers. There’s a thrill knowing just one interaction between the two of you could ruin both your reputations forever. 

“What is it, heathen?” He asks as the door closes behind him. It’s so dark and your back is turned to him, but his voice is drenched in smugness. “You don’t usually want to put up with me more than once a night.”

“Don’t have a choice,” you mutter, staring out at the camp. You go to chew on your bottom lip, but you wince immediately. “Where’s your kit thingy? The one we used after I impaled you.” 

“You mean after you lightly grazed me?” 

“Just tell me where it is, Luke.”

Your sharpness could cut through any sleepy daze he possibly has. He’s silent behind you for a second. “Why?” He asks.

“Because I need it.”

His hand curls around your shoulder and before you can think to submerge yourself in darkness, he turns you around. When he sees you, his face breaks from something proud to something … you’re not sure you like. “Oh, heathen,” he murmurs. “What happened to you?”

You guess it’s a semi-appropriate reaction, although you expected at least a grimace. To put it lightly, your face looks gnarly as fuck. There’s a bruise on your cheekbone and your lip is split. But what really draws attention is the half-formed, garish black eye swelling up your right side. 

“Just the usual. Pissed someone off.” It hurts the skin on your lip that’s caked with blood. 

He rests his thumb on your unbruised cheek, but somehow it still stings. You know he can’t see much of you in the dark but he tries. The prolonged eye contact without the imminent promise of a kiss feels foreign. “You need to go to the Apollo cabin,” he concludes, brows pushed together. 

A laugh slips past your broken lips. “No fucking shot. They would not help me.”

“Why not?”

“Because one of their shit-eaters did this!”

The words take a moment to register. You see them filtering through Luke’s brain. He blinks absurdly. “An Apollo guy beat you up?”

“Not beat up. Just … tussled.”

“How much tussling earns you a black eye, exactly? From Apollo kids.”

“Gods, just tell me where your kit is so you can go back to fucking sleep.”

His fingertips inch around the back of your neck, thumb still against your face. “Already wasn’t sleeping. I might as well help you,” he shrugs. “I move the kit every once in a while so some other campers don’t ravage it.”

“I don’t need help.”

Luke opens his mouth, then sighs deeply. He takes a firm hold of your arm and starts to tug you along. “Hey, what—” you swat at his arm. 

“You’re ridiculous,” he huffs. “Come on.”

It’s strange. Luke’s never done you a favour before. At least not one like this. You’re disgruntled enough that you had to go ask him in the first place and now he’s dragging you around? “This isn’t such a big deal, Luke,” you badger. “I’m fine.”

“Sure, whatever. Wait right here.” He lets go of you and only then you realize you’re in front of the Apollo cabin. You grimace, and Luke must have noticed because he says, “Don’t worry, I’m just gonna go inside and grab some things. No one’s gonna jump you.”

You scowl at him, and he just laughs. A part of you hopes he hits his head on the way in. You hide anyway. 

It’s a few minutes of waiting in the oppressive summer heat, until Luke emerges from the cabin with his hands full. He looks around, hesitantly calling, “Heathen?” Then again. You move out of your hiding spot and he jogs over to greet you. 

“Nice haul,” you comment. There’s an ice pack, cotton pads, a few miscellaneous items. “How’d you get them?”

He smiles widely. “Everyone loves me, heathen. It’s not hard.”

“…So you stole them.”

“Yes, but only because I’m too tired to talk to people and I’m protesting for your sake,” he rattles off. “Now hold this ice pack before it gives me frostbite.”

The two of you make your way down to the docks again. It’s morphed into your usual meeting place, since the waves lapping at the shore mask when Luke gets a little too noisy just to piss you off. (At least that’s what he tells you.)

He’s stashed his little tin in a different tree this time. After he retrieves it he sets everything out like a chef preparing to make a meal out of gauze and rubbing alcohol. 

Your head has been throbbing for the past few hours. You’re not proud that you antagonized the wrong Apollo kid and got a shiner for it. You’re less proud that you came to Luke for help. Just like everyone else does.

“Come,” he gestures, tugging at the waistband of your pants. You scoot closer to him and swallow the weight of your pulse when he touches you. 

Luke slowly presses the ice pack to your black eye, letting you hold it. “What did you do to earn this, anyway?” He asks, head tilted to the side. 

You’re hissing because of the ice, half-consciously shifting into him. “The usual. Spat at him. Made fun of his daddy a little too much. Tripped him so he landed face-first in his offerings.”

“You did not,” Luke laments as he dots alcohol onto a cotton pad. 

“You’re allowed to say you’re proud of me, Saint Castellan. I won’t tell. You can be mean.” Your voice drips with irony, and you hope it bothers him. The flex in his jaw gives it away. 

“You’re always gonna be meaner,” is all he says back. “This is gonna hurt.”

It’s all the warning he gives before he presses the pad against your lip. The sting envelops you immediately, and your good eye squeezes shut. “Shit, ow!” 

“Stop moving your mouth.”

“Fuck,” you swear anyway. Your lip burns so hard you can feel it in your teeth. 

Luke holds your jaw with his other hand so you can’t shy away. “I’ll kiss it better,” he teases. “Almost done.”

You roll your eyes, but Luke takes the pad off a few moments later. “Serious question. How are you so awful to people all the time?”

A groan tears through your throat with such force your head tilts back. “Not you too! I don’t need a fucking reason, there is no reason. Why doesn’t anyone get that?” 

“I’m not asking why. I’m asking how.”

He’s oddly serious, the caress of his thumb on your cheek far slower. You hate it when people want a reason why you’re like this, just to help them sleep at night. But from the bags lining Luke’s eyes, sleep doesn’t seem to be on his radar. 

“I just don’t care,” you admit, shrugging. “I don’t care about any of them. I don’t care about what they can do to me. I don’t care about anything.”

“…What about the Gods?”

It makes you cock your head. “Huh?”

“You wouldn’t care about them, either?”

You think, but only about which words to use. “No,” you decide, “They don’t scare me. They’re nothing. What are they gonna do to me?”

Luke snorts, almost nervously. “Uh, punish you for saying that, for one.”

You turn back to him, ice pack leaving your eye as you gesture. “How? By killing me? Pecking out my eyeballs? Burning me alive? I’m telling you, I don’t care. I don’t care about anything. It’s all just nothing to me. I’m fucking unpunishable, I’d like to see them try.” 

Huffing, you look back up at the firmament of stars. Luke says nothing. 

The grass rustles as he shifts, and his mouth ghosts over the bruise on your eye. “Unpunishable,” he murmurs, like he’s testing it out. Then he places an uncharacteristically gentle kiss just beneath your eye. And another just above. “We’ll see about that.”

You get that feeling again, the unbearable lightness in a place it shouldn’t be. Mixed with the poison lodged in your heart. 

Luke kisses you, still so delicate that you wonder if he’s been body-snatched. If anything, your bleeding lip feels soothed against his. His hands cradle your face with no ferocity at all. It seems wrong. 

“How do you feel?” He asks after pulling away, dark eyes nebulous and wide. The night usually sharpens his features. Now, they’ve been hushed.

“Um, better,” you reply. 

He hums, laying a slow trail of kisses on your jaw. “Did you at least get the other guy?” He asks between kisses. “Like, did you hurt him?”

“Not really,” you divulge, wondering if you should feel shame. 

“Why?” He’s made his way to your neck now, nudging your jaw up so he can kiss behind your ear. 

“I’m not a fighter.” And, without warning, for a reason you will never, ever be able to explain, your tongue adds, “I’m a killer.”

Your own brows furrow. Luke pauses for a moment, but knocks his nose against your neck. “Guess one of us has to be.”

There’s no more fooling around. No snappy insults, no feverish kisses, no hunger to be satiated. Luke just checks you over a few more times, hides his med kit, and you both get up to sleep. But his hand wraps around your wrist, far less firm than when he dragged you here. “Stay in my bunk, heathen,” he offers. “Leave in the morning.”

You think you’re making a mistake when you agree, but it doesn’t feel like one. 

The next day, after you’ve left Luke’s bunk, rumours float around camp that Luke Castellan accidentally butted some Apollo kid in the face with his sword during training. Caused a bloody, broken nose. Luke was very sorry, apologized profusely. 

But you know, by the way he takes you behind the stables that night, that he didn’t mean a single damn word.

luke taglist: @sunniskyies @apollos-calliope @lillycore @sunny747 @m00ng4z3r @pabkeh @thaliagracesgf @theadventuresofanartist @bonnie-tz

rotten taglist: @thaliagracesgf

leave a pm/comment/ask if you'd like to be added to a taglist :)

[genderqueerdykes]

i love you so much i love the way u talk abt trans men and our struggles i makes me feel so seen especially bc youre older than me, i want to be understood , keep posting please

THANK YOU !!

i appreciate that. i feel like nobody (aside from some very cool bloggers on here) is advocating for trans men anymore. like unless its a trans man talking about these issues, it just doesn't happen. nobody advocates on our behalf for the most part. everyone just leaves us to the weeds. we have to help each other because most people just don't even understand what trans men and mascs want. like it's absolutely positively insanity inducing

when i was in college, at my pride group, there were just. no conversations about trans men. at all. in fact. at the time i was beginning to realize i was a trans man but i couldn't find support or acknowledgement of transmasculinity anywhere. whenever i would participate in the conferences, and large group meetings for LGBTQ communities in our part of the country... I was forced into queer women's groups. i did not identify as a woman or bigender at that time. i asked them where a female-to-male genderqueer person should go, and they put me in every queer women's group. i was not being considered trans. i was being viewed as a cis butch lesbian.

i was fucking pissed.

i learned the word transgender and what it meant and the example that was given was male to female, which was informative. i heard a lot of things about feminine transition, drag queens, cis gay male culture, bisexuality, pansexuality, and even asexuality. i want you to know that my college's pride group in 2011 - 2012 was more accepting of asexual people than trans men, which is insane for that time frame. i was actually allowed to help with a presentation on asexuality

i had to go online and research trans men, though. there were none to be found in the group that were at least out and able to talk to each other. we were all very stealth and nervous. my long term friends there ended up being gay men, lesbians, and a transfem agender person. i never met a single trans man there. it was heartbreaking.

i am tired of participating in transmasculine silence. i will not participate in self-erasure. trans men are trans. we're men. we're mascs. we NEED support, community, and care. we need to learn how to access transition resources, to comfort each other, to laugh with each other, to help each other find what clothes make us feel like ourselves, to say each other's names and pronouns, to see one's self in the other.

we need people who will protect us from misgendering. we need to be able to talk about our unique issues. we need to be able to talk about how yes, we experience misogyny, but also that transandrophobia is literally a thing. we need people who will stand up for femme trans men and gay trans men. we need people who understand that it's not okay to call every single trans man a confused butch lesbian and assume that they're a queer cis woman. trans men can be butch lesbians and that's okay. but you can't rip away a trans man's manhood for the sake of being a catty asshole. it's misgendering. it's transphobia. care about being transphobic. transphobia hurts all trans people no matter where it's directed. we all lose when you opt to deny trans men and mascs the right to community.

i am transmasculine. i am a trans man. i love being a trans man. i'm not ashamed. i'm not going back in the closet. i love my transmasculine brothers and siblings. i will not silence them. silencing them is a disservice to us all. i refuse to do that to us.

thank you for sending this ask. stay safe, take care of yourself, you're an important part of the LGBTQ community, don't let anyone take that from you.

[anim-ttrpgs]

Disabilities and Monsters in Eureka: Investigative Urban Fantasy

Through a discussion with @vixensdungeon (great blog to follow for TTRPG stuff by the way) it came to our attention that some of our more jokey and memey posts and reblogs may have given some people a slightly skewed idea of what Eureka, and particularly the “urban fantasy” parts of Eureka are really about, and its tone. We like to joke around about it, and the “cute monster girl” angle really sells on tumblr.com, but actually playing these types of characters in Eureka is not exactly a power fantasy. They eat people, and often eat them alive. If you find that cute, funny, and/or sexy, well, Eureka is still probably just the game you’re looking for, but that isn’t the main thing. Eureka uses the fact that many of these characters necessarily subsist off the flesh and/or blood of other people as a loose metaphor for mental and physical disability.

Imagine you need something that everyone else has but you don’t. If you don’t have it regularly, you will literally start to waste away. The only way to obtain this thing is to take it from another human being, who also needs it, and others will deny that you need it, and abhor that you need it. It’s not uncommon for people, even “progressive” people, to say something along the lines of “they need to all be killed for the good of society,” even if they don’t realize that’s what they’re saying. You didn’t choose to be this way. This is the reality of monsters in Eureka, and many people in real life.

And then even when you have that thing you need, for now, there are many facets of society that you just can’t participate in because your condition makes them impossible for you, like if a vampire wanted to take a run on a sunny beach. Monsters in Eureka will be challenged by their supernatural weaknesses at every turn, while hiding their abhorrent needs from society and even the rest of the party, and asking why they have to be this way. Finding clever ways to get around and circumvent their weaknesses is a core part of the gameplay of monster PCs in Eureka. Imagine you and your friends want or need to go somewhere, but that somewhere is on the other side of a river. The river has a well maintained bridge. For everyone else but you, a vampire who can’t cross running water, getting across the river is the simplest task in the world, so much so that no one would even consider it a task, but for you, it’s a challenge, and for gameplay, it’s a puzzle.

It isn’t totally hopeless, as many of the jokes and fan comics show (those aren’t just memes, they’re only showing one side of the coin and not the other). Monsters who accept, or even embrace and celebrate their monsterhood, can and do exist canonically, alongside monsters who can’t bear to do what they do. In some cases, these may be the same monster on different days.

I’m going to conclude this post by posting two excerpts from the rules text itself.

Disabilities are Disabling

So why don’t disabilities grant any advantage? It isn’t too uncommon for RPGs to have some sort of “flaw” system, where during character creation you can give your character “flaws” or some kind of penalty, and usually get that balanced out by being able to add extra bonuses elsewhere. Sometimes, these “flaws” may take the form of disabilities.

One particular high-profile indie TTRPG takes this beyond just character creation, and makes it so that if a PC receives a “scar” in combat that reduces their physical stats, their mental stats automatically go up by an equivalent amount, and proudly imply that to make any mechanic which results in permanent consequences or makes disabilities disabling is ableist. We think you can probably tell what we think of that from this sentence alone, and we don’t need to elaborate too much. 

We do think, in the abstract, “flaw” systems in character creation are not a bad idea. They allow for more varied options during character creation, while preserving game balance between the PCs.

But in real life, people aren’t balanced. The events that left me injured and disabled didn’t make me smarter or better in any way - if anything, they probably made me dumber, considering the severity of the concussion! Some things happened to me, and now I’m worse. There’s no upside, I just have to keep going, trying harder with a less efficient body, and relying more on others in situations where I am no longer capable of perfect self-sufficiency.

A disabled person is, by definition, less able to perform important daily tasks than the average person. To deny this is to deny that they need help, and to deny that they need help is to enable a refusal to help. This is the perspective from which Eureka’s Grievous Wounds mechanic was written.

When a character is reduced to 1 HP (which by design can result from a single hit from many weapons) they may become incapacitated or they may take a Grievous Wound, which is a permanent injury with no stat benefits. Grievous Wounds don’t have to result from combat, they can also be given to a character during character creation, but not as a trade-off for an extra bonus.

“But then doesn’t my character just have worse stats than the rest of the party?” Yes, haven’t you been reading this? There is no benefit, except for the opportunity to play a disabled character in an TTRPG. This character will probably have to be more reliant on the rest of the party to get by in various situations. Is that a bad thing?

Monsters Essay

All investigators in Eureka: Investigative Urban Fantasy are regular people. They can also be a monster, like a blood-sucking vampire or a broom-riding witch. Importantly, this works because despite their unique nature, monsters are still regular people. You can read more about this in Chapter 8, but the setting of Eureka does not have a conspiracy or “masquerade” hiding supernatural people from normal society. Though they are still largely unknown to modern science, they exist within normal society - and a lot of them eat people.

The default assumption in RPGs has been that monsters are just evil by nature, doing evil for evil’s sake. RPGs that seek to subvert this expectation often instead make monsters misunderstood and wrongfully persecuted, but harmless. Eureka takes a wholly different approach.

There are five playable types of monsters in the rulebook right now, and it’ll be seven if we hit all the stretch goals, but for simplicity’s sake this discussion of themes will just focus on the vampire. Despite them applying in different ways, the same overall themes apply to nearly every monster, so if you get the themes for the vampire, you’ll get the gist of what Eureka is doing with its playable monsters in general.

Mundane investigators have to keep themselves going by eating food and sleeping (see p.XX “Composure” for more information). Well, vampires can’t operate the same way. They don’t sleep, and normal food might be tasty for them as long as it isn’t too heavily seasoned, but it doesn’t do anything for them nutritionally. Their main way to keep themselves functioning is fresh living human blood, straight from the source. To do what mundane PCs do normally by just eating and sleeping, vampires have to take from another, whether either of them are happy with this arrangement or not. They do not, of course, literally have to, and a player is not forced to make their vampire PC drink blood, just like you reading this in real life don’t literally have to eat food. You do eat food if you want to live in any degree of comfort or happiness, and vampires do drink blood or they eventually become unable to effectively do anything.

This is numerically, mechanically incentivized and not simply a rule that says something like “this character is a vampire and therefore they must drink blood once every session,” to demonstrate that the circumstances a person faces drive their behavior. In America, there is a tendency to think of criminality and harm done to others as resulting from intrinsic evil, but people do not just wake up one day and decide “I think I’ll go down the criminal life path.” Their circumstances have barred them from the opportunities that would have given them other options. 

People need food; food costs money; money requires work; work requires getting hired; but getting hired requires a nearby job opening, an education, an impressive resume, nice clothes, charisma, consistent transportation, and so on. For people without other options, crime becomes the only method left to meet their basic needs. Would you rather take what you need from other people, or go without what you need? There are people who don’t have the luxury of a third option. Failure to meet the needs of even a small number of people in a society has high potential to harm the entire society, not just those individuals whose needs are unmet.

As their basic need for blood becomes more and more difficult to ignore, a vampire is going to encounter much the same dilemma. There is really no “legal” or “harmless” way for them to get their needs met, even if they do have resources. Society just isn’t set up for that. And no, your kink is not the solution to this, trying to suggest every vampire just find willing participants who are turned on by vampires or being bitten is suggesting sex work. It’s one step removed from telling a girl she should just get an OnlyFans the minute she turns 18, or that women should just marry a rich man and be a housewife that gets their needs taken care of in exchange for sex and housekeeping. Being forced into such a dynamic isn’t ethical or harmless for the vampire or for their “clients.”

“Oh well, then the vampire should just eat bad people!” You mean those same bad people we just described above? Who gets to decide which people are “bad people?” Who gets to decide that the punishment is assault or death?

Playable monsters in Eureka are dangerous, harmful people. They were set up to be.

Society not being set up in a way that allows monsters to make ethical choices brings us to the next theme: monstrousness as disability, and monsters as “takers.”

Vampires have to take from others a valuable resource that everyone needs to live, and the extraction of which is excruciatingly painful and debilitating. No one knows what happens to blood after a vampire drinks it, it’s just gone. Vampires are open wounds through which blood pours out of the universe.

This is a special need, something they have to take but cannot give back. Their special needs make them literally a drain on society and the people around them. In the modern world, there is a tendency to feel that people must justify their right to life, that they must pay for the privilege of existing in society. This leads people to consider “takers” (people who take much more than they give back, such as disabled people) as something that needs to be pruned away for the betterment of everyone else. Even many so-called “progressives,” while they claim not to agree with pruning “useless eaters,” still hold the unexamined belief that people must justify their existence. To reconcile these two incompatible ideas, they instead simply deny that disabled people take more resources than most people, and are capable of giving back less. This sentiment is perfectly illustrated by the aforementioned game’s insistence that disabilities are never a net reduction of a character’s stats.

Vampires and other playable monsters are inarguably “takers,” but in positioning them as protagonists right alongside mundane protagonists, Eureka puts you in their shoes, and forces you to acknowledge their inner lives and reckon with their circumstances. You have to acknowledge two things: first, that they are dangerous, that they are harmful, that they take more than they give - and second, that they are people. Because they are people, Eureka asserts that they have inherent value, a right to exist, and a right to do what they need to do to exist. (We also acknowledge that their potential victims have a right to do what they need to do to exist and defend themselves, but that is a separate discussion.)

One final point to touch on is mental illness. Mental illness is a disability, one pretty comparable to physical disability in a lot of ways, so all of the above points can apply to this metaphor as well, but there are a few unique comparisons to make here.

It’s not the most efficient, but there are a couple of loopholes deliberately left in the rules that allow vampires to sometimes sporadically restore Composure (and thus their ability to function) without drinking blood. Eureka! moments and Comfort checks from fellow investigators can restore Composure.

When writing the rules, we came to a dilemma where we weren’t sure if it was thematically appropriate for monsters to be able to regain Composure in these ways (since it could lessen their reliance on causing harm), but ultimately we decided that yes, they can.

People with mental illnesses may have the potential to be harmful and dangerous, but all the information we have access to has shown that mentally ill people with robust support structures and control over their own lives are much less likely to enact harm, whether through physical violence, relational violence, or violence against the self. This is why we kept that rule in for playable monsters. Being able to accomplish their goals, and having friends who are there for them, makes that person less likely to cause unnecessary harm.

Vampires are especially great for demonstrating this because they’re immortal and they always come back when “killed.” They can’t be exterminated, they aren’t going away, there will always be problem people in society, no matter how utopian or “progressive.” Vampires are a never-ending curse, who will always be a problem whether they like it or not. The question is how you will grapple with their inevitable presence in society and how you will treat them, not how you will get rid of them.

Eureka is as much a study of the characters themselves as it is the mystery being solved by the characters. It is a game about harsh realities, but it is ultimately compassionate. It argues through its own gameplay that yes, people do have circumstances which drive their behavior, people do have special needs that are beyond their ability to reciprocate, many of those people do cause harm or inconvenience to others, and all of them are still valuable. 

Elegantly designed and thoroughly playtested, Eureka represents the culmination of three years of near-daily work from our team, as well as a lot of our own money. If you’re just now reading this and learning about Eureka for the first time, you missed the crowdfunding window unfortunately, but you can still check out the public beta on itch.io to learn more about what Eureka: Investigative Urban Fantasy actually is, as that is where we have all the fancy art assets, the animated trailer, links to video reviews by podcasts and youtubers, etc.!

You can also follow updates on our Kickstarter page where we post regular updates on the status of our progress finishing the game and getting it ready for final release.

Beta Copies through the Patreon

If you want more, you can download regularly updated playable beta versions of Eureka: Investigative Urban Fantasy earlier, plus extra content such as adventure modules by subscribing to our Patreon at the $5 tier or higher. Subscribing to our patreon also grants you access to our patreon discord server where you can talk to us directly and offer valuable feedback on our progress and projects.

The A.N.I.M. TTRPG Book Club

If you would like to meet the A.N.I.M. team and even have a chance to play Eureka with us, you can join the A.N.I.M. TTRPG Book Club discord server. It’s also just a great place to talk and discuss TTRPGs, so there is no schedule obligation, but the main purpose of it is to nominate, vote on, then read, discuss, and play different indie TTRPGs. We put playgroups together based on scheduling compatibility, so it’s all extremely flexible. This is a free discord server, separate from our patreon exclusive one. https://discord.gg/7jdP8FBPes

Other Stuff

We also have a ko-fi and merchandise if you just wanna give us more money for any reason.

We hope to see you there, and that you will help our dreams come true and launch our careers as indie TTRPG developers with a bang by getting us to our base goal and blowing those stretch goals out of the water, and fight back against WotC's monopoly on the entire hobby. Wish us luck.

[withbroombefore]

I saw a poll earlier about participation in regular in-person activities, with numbers that make me wonder if a lot of people don't know what the options are or how to find them. Here are some that I have always found welcoming to new people; for me, these are ways to leave my apartment and get some human interaction without having to make much conversation (there is a reasonable amount of that if you want it, but since it's understood that you are there to do an activity, the thing you are doing is the point rather than pure socializing). A search for "[activity] [location]" should tell you what's available in your area.

Contra dancing: This goes at the top and gets explanation because it's my favorite. I grew up doing this and love it very very much; I always look for local dances when I move somewhere new. Most dances are very beginner-friendly (though there are some exceptions), and zero dance experience is required to participate. Many will include a lesson for beginners in the half-hour before the main event starts, and there are always instructions throughout the evening. You truly do not need to know anything going in. The convention is to switch partners throughout the night, and it's completely okay to attend alone and ask people you don't know to dance. Try Contra Dancing has a search tool by zip code. Typically $8-15.

Community theatre tech: Acting is an option if that's your thing, but in my experience, tech is easier if you're looking for an activity because there's not usually competition--you often can just volunteer without needing to worry about auditions or casting. Roles like run crew (where you move set between scenes and such) don't require any prior knowledge, and plenty of the other tasks can be learned with a little training. If you turn up reliably, the word will spread--good techies are invaluable. Free to participate.

Community band or chorus: Prior experience in playing an instrument is necessary for the band; for singing, it depends on the type of chorus. Some are auditioned, others are just thrilled by any participation. May require dues.

Shapenote singing: A more niche one and another of my personal favorites (I ignore the religious lyrics and treat them as poetry). This can take some time to pick up, but many places have a small monthly sing that is very welcoming to new people. fasola.org has lots of information about the tradition and where to sing. Free, optional donations accepted.

Library events: Find your local public library's website and look for a calendar or events page to see if anything appeals. Typically free.

Crafting groups: Yarn stores and other craft supply places often have regular open gatherings (typically free) and/or classes (may cost money for teaching and supplies).

Games: If you have a local game store, check their website for events. Or search "[location] [chess club]" or whatever is your thing. Usually free.

Dance: Depends on what is available in your area. A studio where I am has a monthly swing dance, with beginner lessons before, for $10.

Sports: I don't really do these but they presumably exist and can be found like the other things.

The important thing is to just go do the thing. It will probably feel awkward the first time--that's normal! These are all spaces where the point is for people to show up and participate. They want you to be there, and they want you to come back! Otherwise they can't keep existing. Several of these (contra dancing, shapenote, a lot of crafting groups) are especially excited about new people and younger participants and will be thrilled to teach you how to do the thing. And the only way to make it feel comfortable is to plow through the first awkwardness and go back until you decide if you actually enjoy it or not. When you find a thing you like, keep going, and after a little while you end up with a community of people to see regularly who share your interests. This is what humans are supposed to do.

[gatheredfates]

Playerscope, modding and the hunt for aesthetic: why you should be more upset about mods and community expectations than you already are.

I love that this sounds like an academic paper but HONESTLYYYY. I need to put my thoughts to paper in regards to my burnout with xiv, otherwise I think I'll go insane. This is a controversial yet brave post. I am well aware that I partake in some of the things I'm going to be critiquing; aka, "thank you, dinklebottom, we live in a society." I'm also not critiquing mods from a space of offering more accessibility to people and/or facilitating representation not currently offered within the context of the game. There is nuance to every discussion and I'm coming at this from an overarching view around mods and community expectations/standards rather than player joy. I hope this makes sense. I'm also predominately writing from a roleplay perspective, though I'm sure a lot of what I end up saying can reflect in the art party/social space. Just know if I haven't mentioned the latter it's because that's not my scene and I don't pretend to know otherwise.

Anyway. For those who don't know, there's a new mod that's causing some strife in the xiv community called Playerscope. Here is the reddit thread about it. I'm not going to be talking too much about the mod in general because that's not the point of this post, but seeing discussion around it today just made me feel more exhausted than I already am when it comes to modding and the xiv community around it. It made me realise... I'm actually really sick to death of mods. I'm sick to death of what they're doing to the community when it comes to gatekeeping, policing and in general the interactions we have with each other in the community.

Let me explain: I wrote a post about the roleplay mod on bsky that kind of articulates at a surface level what I mean.

I think what makes me sad, which I'm sure is echoed by a lot of people, is that mods feel like the standard now rather than an option and that there's a certain expectation for people to have them if they want to engage with facets of the community—whether intentional or not.

Unlike XIV, WoW has a supported mod scene (within reason) and TRP 2 and the like have been accepted for years now. In a space where people can't slap on an RP tag, having that tool readily identifies you as a writer/roleplayer and you can include as much or as little of your character as you like. The general idea is if you have one of these tools enabled, you're a roleplayer to some capacity. You can dress up the profile to a certain degree, you can add links and supported pictures, but you're mostly reliant on what you put to paper in regards to your character. Even then, I find filling out what my character is doing currently and marking the rest as a WIP doesn't necessarily exclude me from roleplay if I want to find it. A lot of people will do that and a super simple description to incite interest around their oc.

These days in XIV... I don't know. I do think communities have gotten more insular—it's why I'm so pedantic about trying to find them for the Compendium—but I also think mods and, to a certain extent, the 'nightclub' scene have gotten in the way of it as well. My argument is such.

I want to go to an event (for example sake, I'll call it Seascape). In order to fully participate, I may need:

Their discord.

A roleplay addon.

A carrd/google site/etc.

Their synchshell (including mods, mare and everything else)

Potentially a mod of some description so people know I can see theirs (and vice versa).

Also that your mod isn't made by a shitty person.

Appropriate understanding of the scene/social space.

Some luck and a prayer that it's an inclusive space and not a closed rp group advertising as being open and/or a mod showcase advertising itself as something different.

Like??? Holy shit you guys. If you are someone who doesn't want to mod because you're worried about repercussions it really just feels like a big 'fuck you, good luck'.

And let me be clear, not every community is like this. I'm incredibly lucky to have found fantastic roleplay within my own rp event/community, I have great friends who run awesome, inclusive events for people of any skill (writing or otherwise) and I do fully believe you can just enable the rp tag and find fun, fulfilling roleplay. But I've also found the above a lot of times, too. I've had people point-blank get mad at my partner because he won't install mods and try to exclude and/or circumvent him in spaces. It's weird. I've been to events where the only time I felt like I got proper interaction(s) was when I joined the aforementioned, even if I have my character's profile linked in my about. It's weird.

Honestly, no wonder new roleplayers feel overwhelmed. Not only do they have to learn roleplay etiquette, they have to be a mod expert overnight? It feels less about what someone can bring to the table as far as a story but what mods they can install to either look cool or pass an unspoken social barrier. As much as I'm down bad for aesthetic and looking the part, I hate it being at the cost of accessibility and fun for someone else.

Arguably it's the same for gposing and the like as well, which contributes to my exhaustion alongside all the graphical changes and I just. I'm gnawing at the bars of my cage.

I don't think it's going to change and arguably it's more of a Twitter/X issue than a Tumblr, one but Tumblr lets me write mini essays and Twitter will tell me to kms.

Ergo, I'll go with the essay-writing platform.

Anyway, I guess this is just a reminder that you don't need 4596419651 mods to be in the community and that people should be more vigilant on including people who don't have them for whatever reason, provided they operate in good-faith and want to contribute. I think we're careening to a slippery slope of expectation for something unsupported and I don't like it.

[latherinhoney]

2:00 am

(jake & heeseung - enhypen)

genre: college au

description: heeseung, jake and you have been best friends since forever, going off to the same college and even sharing an apt together. Finding time to relieve yourself can be difficult, especially living with other people since you don't want to be caught but what if it was your best friend? What if they offered to help you out in the name of being best friends and that they always help each other out no matter the situation.

5.3k words

warnings: 18+, hard smut, breeding/creampie, double penetration, anal, eating out, nipple play, some cock warming, overstim, masturbation, getting caught, use of sex toys, pet names, best friends to lovers kinda?? they just wanna fuck one another

a/n: hello hello, it's been a while since i've posted something but I had a request for a heejake x reader smut and decided why not? this is probably the longest smut i've ever worked on, it's pretty filthy lmao but as always i hope you enjoy and send me any requests! :)

--------------

The three of you had been sharing an apartment ever since they finally let you move out of the dorms your freshman year. Jake, Heeseung and you had been friends since basically forever. Everyone always said how you guys were basically attached at the hip and did everything together.

When senior year rolled around, you guys couldn’t bear the thought of being separated from one another, going to different schools so you guys agreed to apply to the same schools. Luckily fate was on your guys side and you all got accepted into the same school. 

Though you guys did have have your occasional fights and bickering, you couldn’t imagine yourself anywhere else. You all complemented each other very well and meshed together. Since you were broke college students, you obviously couldn’t splurge for the nicest apartment but you guys managed to find a 2 bedroom for an amazing price. Jake and Heeseung shared a room and they gave you the honors of having your own bedroom. 

It was great having your own room, it was decorated the way you wanted and was the perfect place for when Heeseung and Jake started getting a little too annoying. The talk of significant others and hookups came often as you would all ask each other if you could bring back someone home. Hearing the main door close and open plus the shuffling of feet. Then hearing the bedroom door close shut and the noise of the bed hitting against the wall echoing throughout the apartment. 

Jake was notorious for bringing girls back home to the apartment for his late night hookups. Considering he was at frat parties so often it was basically like was apart of a fraternity. At least once a week he was coming home with a new girl, to which he would send a text ahead of time and which meant Heeseung and you would be roomates for the night. On the other hand Heeseung wasn’t much of a hookup culture guy although his looks could say otherwise, he only par took in them occasionally. He preferred to stay in and do whatever activity he pleased over finding some girl to hookup with. Though with you, you never really participated in hookups. Only having had one serious boyfriend in your lifetime it was just something that didn’t interest you. 

Though that didn’t mean you we’re a complete angel. Hidden in the nightstand next to your bed was your collection of toys. When the guys were out of the apartment, it was your time for your fix. Thankfully you’d never been caught by Jake or Heeseung but have had very close calls. Just last week when they we’re both out of the house, you we’re riding your dildo using your vibrator, so close to hitting your peak. “Fuck” you had moaned throwing your head back. You kept the vibrator on your clit as you could feel your stomach bubbling. “Ima cum soon” you whimpered out to yourself. That’s when you heard keys moving and the main door open. You had forgotten to lock your bedroom door and there was a 50/50 chance that Heeseung would pop in. Immediately lunging up, you shut the door and locked it. That was an extremely close call. Ever since then you were extremely careful and planned out when you we’re going to masturbate to minimize the chance of them potentially walking in on you. Though as of recently they we’re home a lot more then usual and it was starting to drive you slightly insane. You hadn’t been able to find a chance to relieve yourself and it was starting to get to you. 

“ You okay?” Jake asked tilting his head. 

“I’m okay” you muttered “Just slightly irritated is all.” 

“Hmmm well what’s irritating you?” 

“Ah it’s nothing, don’t worry I’ll take care of it” 

“It doesn’t seem like nothing but if you ever need help, Heeseung and me always here for whatever it is” 

That night you lied in your bed wondering what the hell Jake meant by that. The way he had said “for whatever it is” your imagination started running wild. Did he know? Could he tell?  So many questions swirled around inside your head. Did he mean something else with different intentions? “No, this is stupid” you thought to yourself “How could I think that one of my bestest friends wanted to fuck me? Don’t be stupid” You snapped out of it and turned over on your bed and looked at the clock 2:00am. Everyone was asleep by now, so it was either going to be now or never. You looked over at your door to make sure it was closed and started slowly opened your nightstand to reveal your array of toys. 

It’d been so long since you last masturbated that you we’re becoming impatient fumbling around grabbing a toy. You quietly slid down your pants making sure that you weren’t making any noise that Jake and Heeseung could hear from the other room. You then slipped off your underwear throwing it to the side of the bed. Reaching your hand down, you started rubbing your clit. You pratically moaned at how good it felt since it’d been so long. Quickening your pace, you grew wetter and wetter. 

Moving your hand down to grab some of your arousal to continue rubbing your cilt. The noises your body were making were so lewd, that in the back of your mind you we’re praying that Heeseung or Jake wouldn’t wake up. As you continued rubbing your clit, an aching feeling grew in your core, the feeling of needing to be stuffed. You reached over to grab your dildo and aglined up with your entrance, slowly pushing it in.

It’d been a while so the stretch was a little uncomfortable but not unwelcome. Gasping at how good it felt, you continued to warm up to it until it fully slipped in. Slowly moving it in and out you started to quicken the pace. Rubbing your clit at the same time you could feel your mind slowly slipping.

Needing to bite your tongue to keep your whimpers in, you continued moving the dildo at a quickened pace. “Fuck” you whispered out, you knew you weren’t going to last much longer with the warm feeling quickly growing in your stomach. You kept going at a relentless pace, the tip of the dildo rubbing over your g-spot with every thrust. “FuckFuckFuck” you continued whispering out. The feeling in your stomach getting tighter by the second. 

While almost getting to the brink of your climax that’s when you failed to hear footsteps walking towards your door. Heeseung woke up groggy in the middle of the night, looking at his phone he saw that it was 2:00am. He set his phone back down and got out of bed to use the restroom. In his groggy state he used the restroom and went over to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water and that’s when he heard it. He saw that the lights in your room we’re still dimly on and could hear noise coming from your room. He found it odd since you would usually have your lights off by this time. Finishing his glass of water, he started walking over to your room. 

He could hear noise from your room but couldn’t exactly make out what it was. Since you guys we’re so close with one another you usually didn’t have to knock on each others doors. If the doorknob was locked that’s when you knew the other person wanted privacy. That’s when Heesung opened the door, watching you about to hit your climax. He stood there frozen like a statue realizing what he had just walked into. It was too late for you stop when out of the corner of your eye you saw your bedroom door swing open, looking at Heeseung standing in your doorframe dumbfounded. 

“Fuck” you moaned out as you reached your peak arching your back off the bed. Not being able to stop you continued riding your high out until you came down from your peak. You then embarrassed reached to grab your blankets and quickly throw them over yourself. You could feel the heat on your face growing stronger from the embarrassment of getting caught. 

“Can I help you?” you breathe out slightly panting. 

“Uhmm…uhmmm” Heeseung stammers out, as his face slowly grows bright red. 

Not being able to get the words out of his mouth he steps back and slams the door shut. 

“Oh my fucking god, no way” Heeseung whispers panickedly as he rushes back to his room. He sat on the corner of his bed and processed what he just saw. You, balls deep with your dildo hitting your peak. Remembering you moaning as you reached your peak, not stopping even though he opened the door and watched what you we’re doing. The way your back arched from the bed and the way you couldn’t stop fucking yourself even when you reached your peak made Heeseung’s mind completely lose train of thought. Although he didn’t want to admit it he was turned on and found it arousing. 

Sure he always thought you we’re cute and found you attractive but never thought of pushing your guys relationship past only being best friends. Though something in his mind flipped when he saw you cumming on your bed. It was the first time he thought of wanting something more and wanted to push the boundaries of your friendship. Hearing the noise of the bedroom shut and whisper panicking from the other corner of the room, Jake also woke up from his sleep slightly panicked. 

“Hey, Heeseung what’s wrong?” He asks with a raspiness in his throat

“I can’t believe I just saw that” Heeseung says as he puts his hands up to his face. 

“What man? What happened?” 

“It’s so awkward, I don’t even know if I can tell you” 

“You know damn well there’s no awkward thing you can say in this friendship, what happened?” 

You lied under your covers completely mortified about what had just happened. You couldn’t believe that Heeseung had just caught you masturbating and literally caught you at the worst part too. You don’t even know how you we’re going to face him after this, praying a hole would open up on your bed and swallow you whole to save you from the embarrassment. “Fuck and of course it’s when I haven’t done it for a while either” you groan throwing your head back. 

“And that’s what happened” Heeeung says finally removing his hands from his face, red still decorating his face. 

“No way, oh my god” Jake laughs slightly “That must’ve been so awkward” 

“I was literally frozen dude, I couldn’t move at all, all I could do was watch” 

“Oh my god” Jake continues to laugh “But tell me this” getting slightly more serious “... was it hot…?” 

“We’re all best friends for fucks sake, I can’t be thinking like this”

“Listen, I know it’s weird but you can’t tell me you haven’t at least had the thought cross your mind?” 

“... I mean, I won’t lie and say I haven’t but still” 

“ I mean cmon Hee haven’t you seen when she walks around the apartment in those tiny ass shorts or when she wears those tight shirts with her boobs almost spilling out?” 

“..... yes….” 

“And you got hard watching her cum, right?” Jake says pointing at Heeseung’s obvious hard-on. “Listen, I told her if she needed help with anything to let us know and we can obviously tell she needs help right now so now’s the perfect opportunity” 

“Are you sure? Shouldn’t we just leave her alone I’m pretty sure she’s embarrassed” 

“She’s gonna be embarrassed regardless, might as well face the problem right now” 

“I hope your right” 

Jake and Heeseung get up and off the bed and start heading towards your room. You hear the footsteps leading towards your bedroom and curse “Fuck what could he want now” you groan not wanting to lift the sheets from up off your face. That’s when you heard a knocking from your door “can I come in?” you hear Heeseung from the other side of the door. You roll your eyes “What’s the fucking point of knocking on the door anymore” you think to yourself “Yes cmon in”. That’s when you see two people enter the room instead of one. You were even more mortified no fucking way Heeseung told Jake about this too. “HEESEUNG” you yelled out “You told him??” 

“Im sorry, I was panicking, and Jake asked what was wrong and I couldn’t hold it in” Heeseung said rubbing the back of his neck. Though on the other hand Jake was looking at you with a stern look. Worried about what he was going to say, you avoided making eye contact with him. “I thought I told you if you needed help with anything to let us know” he says crossing his arms. By this point your mind was running a hundred miles an hour, what did he just say? Did help with anything mean what you actually thought it meant? You swear you we’re starting to go crazy no way he just said that? 

“Well… uhmmm.. I didn’t think that’s what you meant.” You said avoiding eye contact. “We’re best friends, best friends help each other out with anything no matter what it is” Jake says his gaze darkening. 

“Well typically “normal” best friends don’t help each other out in this type of situation. 

“Well every friendship is different and we’re just taking ours to the next step.” 

You couldn’t help but admit that you did find them attractive, the way Jake and Heeseung would walk around with only a small towel wrapped around their waist after a shower. The way it hung low and could see their v-line start forming but you kept these thoughts to yourself because you guys we’re best friends. But when Jake and Heeseung had their hookups and you could hear a new girl moaning from the other room you couldn’t help but wonder is it as good as it sounds? But again these we’re thoughts you kept to yourself. 

Jake and Heeseung sat down on opposite sides of your bed and looked at each other nodding to one another before they opened their mouths to say what they we’re going to say. You we’re nervous having no idea what they we’re going to say or do. 

“If your okay with this we’re willing to take this friendship to the next step but need your confirmation” 

The way they both looked at you made your stomach fill with butterflies. “Yes please, I need both of you so bad I’ve been so lonely” you whimpered. The green light flashed and both of them immediately took their opportunity. 

“Fuck Princess we’re gonna make you feel so good” Heeseung pants out leaning into you. 

Jake immediately leans in to start kissing you on the lips, his kiss filled with want and need. You can feel the desperation behind his kiss, him wanting more and more. He slips his tongue out asking for permission and once let in the kisses start turning sloppy with him not being able to get enough of you. Meanwhile Heeseung roamed his hands all over your body, slipping them under your shirt and grabbing onto your boobs. He couldn’t believe it all the times he thought about how your tits looked like when you would wear those skimpy tops, he was finally about to see them. He unclasped your bra and started massaging your boobs which made you let out a moan into Jake’s mouth. 

“Feeling good baby?” Heeseung smirked continuing to play with your tits. You could feel your brain start to feel fuzzy with how good you were feeling. He moved his hands down to play with your nipples, causing an instant reaction from you. He rubbed the pads of his fingers on your nipples and then would pinch them rolling them inbetween his fingers, toying with them. You could already feel a warm feeling of arousal forming in your stomach from how good Heeseung was making you feel. Lifting your shirt up, he revealed your breasts his mouth practically watering at the sight of them. Leaning in, he opened his mouth and took a nipple in his mouth. Swirling his tounge around the bud has he continued licking it. Letting go for a slight breather he then started sucking on your nipples, now taking turns between both tits. 

You threw your head back in pleasure not being to contain your composure but Heeseung continued sucking and started slightly grazing his teeth over your buds. 

“Fuck Hee mmhm” you moan out. 

He took this a good sign and kept sucking on your nipples at a feverish pace. The kisses with Jake turned to the point where you we’re just exchanging saliva. He pulls back from your face and looks at you, you notice his lips are all red and his eyes are blown out. 

“Fuck I just can’t get enough of you” Jake whimpers leaning in for one more kiss. 

He pulls away noticing that your shirt was barely on due to Heeseung sucking on your tits. He helps you and pulls the rest of it off your body, leaving you completely naked only thing covering you was your blanket covering your bottom half. 

“Fuck baby, you’re so fucking beautiful” Jake praises as he takes in your body. He slowly moves his hand down your stomach to reach for the hem of your pants for him to only realize that you didn’t have anything. He groans at the fact that you didn’t have anything on turning him on even more. 

“Naughty” Jakes teases “You didn’t have anything on this whole time?” 

“Was masturbating before I got caught I didn’t have the time to put anything back on” 

“Oh?” Jake laughs “Well it definitely speeds up the pace” 

He lifts the blanket off your legs, the only thing still keeping you covered now fully exposed. He reaches his hand down once again starting to rub your clit. 

“Fuck Jake”

He kept rubbing your clit, picking up the pace already forming a pool of arousal. Heeseung took a moment to stop sucking on your tits and watched Jake rub your clit. He lazily played with your nipples as he watched Jake. Having the both of them watch you while you got your clit rubbed made the warm feeling in your stomach grow. 

“Fuckkkk” Heeseung groans out as he watched Jake slip his fingers inside of your cunt and start to finger you. By this point your mind was clouded, the only thing you could focus on was cumming. 

“Don’t just look Heeseung, start rubbing her clit” Jakes commands. Heeseung snapping out of his state moves his hand over and starts rubbing on your clit. With both of them fucking you at the same time, you we’re pratically begging to cum. The noises your body we’re making with Jake’s fingers slipping in and out and Heeseung rubbing on your clit feverishly we’re so lewd, almost pornographic. 

“FuckFuckFuck I’m gonna cum please don’t stop” you whimpered out. 

“Cum for me princess” 

The warm feeling in your stomach reached it’s peak and just like that snapped. 

“Fuck mmhm cumming” you whimper out 

Jakes continues fingering you riding out your climax and Heeseung never lets up his pace. Coming down from your high they don’t let up their pace, they just keep going. You started to feel overstimulated begging for them to stop as you couldn’t take it anymore. 

“PleasePleasePlease no more” you cry out trying to squirm away but they just hold a tighter grip on you. 

“Aww baby doesn’t want to anymore?” Jake coos “Just give us one more” 

The familiar feeling started growing in your stomach again and this time faster. This time around Heeseung took it as a opportunity and removed his hand from your clit and leaned in instead to place his mouth on your clit. He sucked on it, starting to swirl his tounge around your clit. You swore you almost started seeing stars from how good it felt. 

“Hey, not fair” Jake said getting jealous “I wanted to eat her out too” 

Jakes pulls his fingers out causing you to gasp for air from the loss of contact. He put his hand in his mouth, savoring the taste of you on his lips. 

“You taste so fucking good I need more” 

He drops his head down and joins Heeseung in eating your pussy out. Both of them lapping and taking turns at sucking on your clit. Eating you with a hunger that seemed they couldn’t get enough of. Jake returned his fingers back into your pussy that was weeping for attention. 

“Oh my god you're so wet, so wet for me and heeseung?” “Bet this pussy of yours is just begging to be stuffed.” 

He slips his fingers in and you let out a whimper. 

“Mhhhm fuck please, fuck me” You plead looking up at Jake.

He moves his fingers in and out quickening his pace. The familiar feeling yet again growing in the pit of your stomach. He curls his fingers slightly to hit your g-spot ripping out a moan from you. You didn’t know how much longer you we’re going to last at this rate. Heeseung never let up the pace he was eating you out at, eating you like it was his last meal. His tongue roamed all over your pussy determined to find your sensitive spots and it didn’t help that Jake was there helping him eat you out too. Licking your pussy at the same time it was almost too much to be able to take. 

The feeling was starting to grow tighter and you knew you we’re going to cum soon. 

“I can feel that pussy of your tightening around my fingers are you gonna cum baby?” says Jake before taking another mouthful of you. “Cum for us baby” Jake groans out

Those we’re the words you needed to hear before you we’re pushed over the edge. Reaching your peak felt like an out of body experience, the pleasure completely overtaking your body. Jake and Heeseung continued eating you out riding out your peak before you finally starting coming down from it. 

“Princess you taste so good, fuck I need more” Heeseung whimpers into your pussy trying to clean as much of your arousal as he could. He continues to slurp you, coming down from your high you began to squirm in his grasp from still being sensitive. On the other hand Jake pulls away and yet again puts his fingers in his mouth to suck your cum from his fingers. 

“Always taste so good can’t get enough” Jake grins.

 By this point you had been fucked out of your mind, recieving not one but two explosive orgasms. Your body was getting tired by this point but you could tell Jake and Heeseung we’re just getting started. You look up to see Jake and Heeseung’s hard-ons as they palm over their cocks. 

“Fuck I can’t wait put my cock into your tight pussy” Jake whimpers out as he rushes to take off his clothes. In your drunken bliss you watch as Heeseung and Jake move quickly to take off their clothes. As you watch them remove the last of their clothes, slipping off their boxers you realize just how big they are. Their cocks stiff and leaking pre-cum already. “Fuck” you thought to yourself “How are they gonna fit?” You adjust yourself sitting back up and look over at both of them, you could see a hunger lingering in their eyes. 

“Lay on your back” Heeseung demands becoming more assertive then before, you’d never seen this side of him. You do as told and readjust yourself to lay on your back. Heeseung’s moves over to your side and grabs onto you to readjust your body onto his lap. You can feel the way his hard cock presses against your back and shudder at the thought that pretty soon he’d be inside of you. Jake then moves over to position himself in front of you. You didn’t really know what they had planned and looked at them in confusion. 

“What are we about to do?” you ask with a puzzled look 

“We’re going to fuck you at the same time” Jake smirks 

“Oh”

Your mouth runs dry at the thought. Both? At the same time? You didn’t even know if they’d even be able to fit inside of you let alone take both at the same time. Heeseung grabs onto your ass and starting to massage it. 

“Relax, we’ll take good care of you” 

Heeseung grabs his cock in his fist pumping it a few times, watching as the pre-cum starts to leak down his cock. Bitting his lip he isn’t able to contain his moans and let’s them slip. 

“Fuck I need you inside of me already, I can’t take it anymore” Heeseung whines. 

Letting go of his cock, he reaches back down for your ass and lifts you up slightly re-positioning himself to lean his back slightly on the headboard. He has perfect view of your ass, drooling at the fact that his cock was finally going to be inside of you. 

He lowers you back down onto his cock and feel his cock slowly start to enter your ass. He slowly pushes it in letting you get adjusted to his length but grits his teeth as your ass clenches around his tip. Breathing heavily he continues to slowly further push into you until your finally balls deep. Your ass feels full and the strech is slightly uncomfortable but welcome. You ask Heeseung to just stay like this for a few minutes so you could adjust to his cock. 

“Princess I’m going insane I could cum from just this, please can I move?” Heeseung pleads. You nod your head and almost instantly Heeseung starts fucking into you, moving at a gentle pace to help you continue adjust to his length. During this Jake is touching himself to him Heeseung finally entering your ass and watching as your face contorts from pain to pleasure. It was driving him insane and he needed to feel himself inside of you. 

He shot Heeseung a glance making Heeseung stop and you whimpered from the loss of friction. 

“Why’d you stop Hee?” you cry out 

“Because I can’t let you guys have all the fun” Jake remarks “Besides it wouldn’t be fair to leave this hole empty, I know how bad you want it” 

Your pussy clenches around nothing anticipating for Jake to enter you. He could cum just from watching the way your pussy clenches for him. He pumps his dick a few more times and spreads your legs, slowly entering you. Your pussy was so warm and hot that he almost came right there and then but held his composure. The way your pussy was clenching down on him was almost too unbearable for him. You felt stuffed in almost every way possible, Jake’s thick cock in your pussy and Heeseung’s in your ass made your head spin. Though having both of them inside of you wasn’t enough you needed them to start moving inside of you. Your body was begging for any type of friction at this point.

“Please, I need you to move mmhm can’t take it” you beg out. 

With that they both start to move and your body feels like it’s on fire with pleasure hitting you from every angle. The sound of skin slapping from both angles sounded so dirty but felt so amazing. Jake moved one of his hands to play with your nipples adding even more onto the pleasure. Your mind was melting and couldn’t even register the amount of pleasure you we’re feeling. 

“Fuck, princess you’re clamping down so hard on my cock it’s driving me insane” Heeseung grits out.

You could feel the way Heeseung’s cock moved in your ass repeatedly hitting your pleasure point and Jake’s tip repeatedly rubbing against your g-spot, grazing the bottom of your cervix. It was too intense and you could feel the warmness start to build in the pit of your stomach. The room was filled with heavy panting and moans, everyone focused on reaching that high. You could tell that they we’re getting close the way Heeseung’s thrusts were getting inconsistent and Jake’s face was starting to contort. 

“I don’t think i’m going to last much longer” Jake moans out. 

“Me either mmhm so close” Heeseung pants 

You could feel yourself starting to get closer and closer by the second as well, the feeling growing too intense. Jake puts a hand to your stomach, wanting to feel the way his dicks moves inside of you. With the way he was watching you being fucked stupid and him feeling the way his cock moved inside of you it was too unbearable for him. 

“Fuck baby i’m coming” Jake whimpered out. A few more sloppy thrusts and Jake unloaded inside of you. Continuing to chase his high as he fucked his cum inside of you making sure you took it in deep inside of you painting your walls. The feeling of Jake cumming inside of you sends you over the edge and hit your peak as well. 

Riding out your high, Jake continues to pound into you, your pussy clamping down on his cock. He grunts at the extra pressure put on his cock and it spurs him to continue fucking you. You start coming down from your high and Jakes fucks the last of his cum into you before slowing his pace until he stops but never pulling out from you. Before you can even question him you can feel Heeseung’s hips start stuttering 

“I’m gonna- I’m gonna fucking cum” Heeseung whines before he finally spills his load inside of you. Him cumming triggered another orgasm inside of you and both of you came at the same. It was nothing like you had felt before, the feeling of cumming from your ass felt so intense. You couldn’t help but throw your head back and whine in pleasure at how overstimulated you felt. The feeling of your ass clenching on Heeseung’s cock sent him even more over the edge. 

Fucking into you even more feverishly, making sure he stuffed you full of his seed. He wanted to make sure you we’re full of him and that you we’re his and only his. He came down from his high, hips slowing down. Your brain was mush at this point only feeling pleasure, relishing in the fact that you we’re stuffed of both of your best friend’s cum. 

“How was that baby hmm?” Jake asks. 

“So fucking good” you say slurring your words. 

“Fuck you make not wanna pull out, you feel too good” Heeseung whines hiding his face into your back. 

“Can’t we just stay like this for a bit?” Jake begs. 

You cave and stay with both of them inside of you for a few more mins. They decide it’s finally time to pull out and Heeseung makes sure to hold onto you as he pulls you off of him since he knew you’d be too weak to support yourself. Both him and Jake hiss at the loss of contact and you cry out at the loss of feeling of having them inside of you. Heeseung lays you down and both of them watch as their load drips out of you, satisfied with themselves. 

“So how was it… fucking your best friends?” Jake asks with a shit-eating grin.

“Fucking amazing” you slur in your blissed out state “We should’ve done this sooner”

Heeseung and Jake both let out a small laugh and smile. 

“I’ll go get something to wipe her down with” Heeseung says lifting himself off the bed. Jake stays and starts playing with your hair looking down at you with loving eyes. 

“What are you so giddy about” you asked softly laughing 

“Nothing, just you’re so pretty I can’t help but look at you” 

You hum as he continues to play with your hair, you could get used to this.