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yslkook · 4 years ago

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#risk averse (6)

#corporate masterlist

summary: the last day of being in tokyo consists of: workshops, breakfast, dinner, and an airplane ride back. oh, and you finally have some ice cream with jungkook. properly. word count: 5570 warnings: cursing, parental death, discussion of mental health, im not a psychologist so if what i write doesnt make sense dont @ me a/n: this is part 3/3 of being in tokyo!

TUESDAY

Tokyo is probably one of your favorite cities in the world, and yet you’re itching to get out as soon as you can. It’s the last day of the workshop kick-off meeting, and while you’ve enjoyed being back in this city and getting to know new people… You’re exhausted. Your mind has been running on overdrive since Friday afternoon and now it was Tuesday. You’ve never been on for this long, but you suppose it comes with the territory.

Truthfully, you don’t mind the work. You mind Jungkook and how things are still in a strange state of limbo with him. The memory of Saturday night still plagues you and the fact that you still haven’t talked to him pokes at you like a barbed wire.

You scratch your chin, masking your invisible spiral. Jungkook and Sana have set up breakfast for the team in the conference room, complete with steamed rice, fried egg, fruit miso soup, coffee and pastries. You eye the pastries with a gratuitous lick of your lips, your sudden sweet tooth making an appearance. That chocolate cornet in the small basket next to the sweet rolls is calling your name.

You focus on the decadent taste of chocolate rolling over your tongue paired with coffee rather than the anxiety you feel over leaving things between you and Jungkook in limbo.

A shadow casts over your plate next to you and when you turn your head, you’re surprised to see Mark take a seat next to you.

“Morning,” He chirps, “Your guys did a good job with breakfast, huh?”

“They did a good job with everything, Mark. As they always do,” You say fiercely, with a quirk of your eyebrow, “And good morning to you, too.”

“This week went by fast, huh?” Mark says, taking a sip of his own coffee. Yeah, not fast enough.

Today’s workshop was mainly to finalize the project plan, assign subteams, and deliverables. And to determine when the next workshop would be- Namjoon had suggested that the Tokyo team come to Seoul next time. Which you had wholeheartedly supported. Mark had let his eyes slide over to you, catching your eye and smiling at you. Maybe he’d be able to see you outside of work in Seoul.

You had smiled back, a little obliviously.

And now, you stand up next to the whiteboard to write down your smaller sub teams and your deliverables as Namjoon reads from his notes. For everyone to be able to visualize. You were a firm believer in visual aids.

And so was Jungkook- after all, the way your plaid pencil skirt sits on your ass and hugs your hips is quite the visual. He lazily allows his eyes to roam your backside, enjoying the way your skirt moves with every small movement. Your sleeveless blouse is tucked into your skirt, leaving a hint of your tattoo poking out from the thin exposure of your shoulder. Your beige blazer neatly hangs off of the headrest of your chair. Jungkook counts his blessings, watching every inch of your tanned, inked skin as you continue to write on the board.

Namjoon and Mark spend the rest of the morning outlining expectations and brainstorming for the first deliverable. You challenge them sharply, not afraid to voice your thoughts when you don’t agree with them.

Irene and Lisa look on with awestruck eyes, chiming in when they feel necessary. You have this way about you, Jungkook thinks. That when you speak, people just listen and people want to be heard by you. Your voice is magnetic, your eyes dark and fierce and he wants to know them. He wants to peel you back layer by layer, if you’d let him.

Not for the first time, he wonders if you have any other tattoos hiding under your meticulously crafted layers.

You catch Jungkook’s lazy gaze, shooting him a small smile. Jungkook swallows and reciprocates. He leans back in his chair, still not taking his eyes off of you. You maintain his gaze, feeling your cheeks heating up at the intensity of his stare. He unwraps you with his eyes, as if you’re a present wrapped up all pretty just for him. Dark brown eyes dart from your face to your neck to your hands back up to your lips. A smirk ghosts his face, but it passes as quickly as it comes.

You can play fire with fire, too. Something bold blazes in your own eyes, your tongue poking out to lick your bottom lip as you check him out in the same unabashed way that he had been checking you out only moments before.

This time, Jungkook is the one feeling a little heated under his collar. Mark’s voice pierces through the air, pulling you both out of your rose-tinted bubble and you both plaster your obedient gazes to Mark.

The moment dissolves with the sound of Mark’s voice- has it always been that annoying? Or was it only that annoying because Jungkook can see the barely hidden heart eyes he throws you when he makes eye contact with you?

Why does it matter? Because he likes you, and the epiphany doesn’t hit Jungkook like an unseen collision. It washes over him in soft, gentle waves. Comforting him and wrapping around him warmly, only lending him the courage to slide his eyes over to you once again.

His tongue pokes the inside of his cheek in annoyance. Annoyance that you’ve wiggled your way into the crevices in between his veins and he is powerless to stop it.

The rest of the afternoon goes by just about the same, with lunch from the cafeteria and finishing up your plan of deliverables. You’re thankful that the day is coming to a close- these workshops are taking a toll out of you, needless to say.

You stretch your arms, opting to stand rather than sit. You hate how your ass goes numb after hours of sitting.

Jungkook doesn’t mind. It gives him a wonderful view of the slope of your chest that he has no qualms appreciating. You catch him a few times, obliviously giving him a small smile or a nod of appreciation.

It makes Jungkook wonder if you even know how pretty you are. If anyone’s ever told you that you were beautiful, with all of the conviction that you deserve.

You scribble in your notebook while leaning against the windowsill as a surface, your brows furrowed together in concentration as Namjoon and Mark speak. You resist the urge to yawn. What time is your flight again?

Namjoon had requested that your flights be at 4 AM on Wednesday morning, so that you could go straight into work. That was the tradeoff for giving the team the extra day in Tokyo. At the time, it sounded like a nice idea. Now, the thought of a 4 AM flight makes you want to keel over.

You start to drown out their voices, instead making a mental checklist of what you needed to do before leaving for the airport tomorrow morning. Call Grandma, pack your suitcase, arrange your makeup, leave your sweats for the morning out, text your therapist for an appointment when you returned to Seoul…

You’re lost in your thoughts, chewing intently on your bottom lip and absently picking at your cuticles every so often. Mark’s voice cuts through the air again, finally dismissing you.

“It was great seeing all of you,” Mark says, his eyes lingering on you for a second too long.

“Yeah, we’ll be in Seoul soon. You’ll have to show us all the best places to eat,” Irene winks at you.

“Yeah,” You chuckle, rubbing the back of your neck, “See you soon.”

You exchange handshakes with them, with promises from Minhyuk and Lisa that they’ll set up biweekly calls for the Seoul team to have touchpoints with the Tokyo team. Namjoon nods in appreciation.

Jungkook doesn’t miss the way Mark squeezes your hand and pulls you a little closer by the grip of his handshake either.

Mark promises you, for your ears only, that he’ll text you when he gets to Seoul for the workshop. He asks if he can see you, maybe, if he can take you to that restaurant you had told him about. With the best seafood you’d ever had in your life.

You say yes, because you think nothing of it.

The minute you got back to your hotel room, you took your makeup off, moisturized, sprawled out on the bed and stared at the ceiling for a good fifteen minutes. Then you changed into leggings and an oversized hoodie, one of Jin’s that you had stolen years ago.

You’re aware of your phone going off, likely the work group chat as well as Jin texting you. But you ignore it for now, instead closing your eyes and letting silence lull you to sleep.

You must have fallen asleep for a few hours- when you wake up, the moon is out and the sky is dark. You had likely slept through dinner. Moonlight filters into your hotel room and you sigh, rubbing your eyes.

What had woken you up? You hear the noise again, the sound of knuckles knocking gently against your hotel room door. With a soft groan, you rub your face and drag your feet to the door, not bothering to check the little peephole.

And you’re face to face with a nervous looking Jeon Jungkook, holding a bag in his hand. It smells great, mouthwatering, even.

“Hi,” You croak, clearing your throat of your post-sleep voice.

“Hey,” Jungkook says weakly, “We were texting you earlier for dinner but figured you’d fallen asleep or something. Looks like I was right.”

“Yeah, I accidentally fell asleep,” You murmur with a laugh, “You brought dinner for me?” You ask the question in wonder, as if it’s hard to believe.

“Uh huh,” Jungkook says, scratching the back of his neck, “Well, uh, here you go-”

You take the bag of food in your hands, enjoying the warmth that it radiates. You bite your lips in nervousness, suddenly deciding that you don’t want to have dinner alone. You hate having dinner alone.

“Jungkook,” You say softly, “Will you have dinner with me?”

Jungkook’s heart skips about five beats and he’s nodding at you with big, sparkling eyes. You’re floating, somewhere in the clouds when he looks at you like that. Jungkook thinks you’re pretty, with your messy hair and sleepy eyes. Whether you’re in a sharp pencil skirt and a blazer or in pajamas, he thinks you’re so pretty.

You welcome him inside, gesturing for him to get comfortable in your hotel room. You know you have so much still to talk about with him, to explain your actions from Saturday night. But neither of you can deny the company that comes with a meal. So you set some food aside for him, thanking him for thinking of you.

And you eat, knees knocking into each other as you talk softly with only the moon as witness of a blossoming friendship.

WEDNESDAY MORNING

Jungkook doesn’t leave your mind all morning, from when you had woken yourself up at 1:30 AM and even now as you’re in line to board the airplane. Having dinner with him felt so nice and left you feel warm all over.

And now, a seed of relief settles in your belly, knowing that you’re seated far away from Jungkook. So that you can think about him in peace, and think about what you’ll say to him when you finally get the chance to. You could have apologized to him last night, but it just didn’t feel right.

You can’t even see his fluffy head of hair from here. Maybe you’ll even be able to sleep a little, considering how on edge you’ve felt for the last four days. You’re exhausted.

Just as you’re about to close your eyes and rest your head on the window, someone taps your shoulder politely.

“Sorry to disturb,” The flight attendant says, sounding genuinely apologetic, “But I believe there was a seat mix up. We have a couple here requesting to be seated together. Would it be alright if we swap?”

You peer behind her to see an elderly couple. You sigh. “Of course, no problem.” You think nothing of it, heading to the seat that the attendant had requested you switch with, until you see a familiar fluffy haired man within your range of vision.

Of course. Because why wouldn’t the universe seat you next to Jeon Jungkook on this crowded plane? Of all the seats, of course you would be told to sit next to him.

“Um,” You say, waving at him a little nervously, “Hi. Is this seat taken?” You try to keep your voice light. He can probably pick up on the awkwardness.

“Oh! No,” Jungkook says quickly, standing up and hitting his head on the roof of the cramped plane. He winces and you suppress a laugh. “Let me put your suitcase up-”

“I got it, Jungkook,” You murmur, easily lifting the suitcase into the overhead compartment. Jungkook’s eyes immediately fall to the small sliver of your belly as you lift your arms above your head.

Taking a seat next to him, you try your best not to bounce your leg incessantly. Your bottom lip is lodged in between your teeth, as if you’re afraid to say the wrong thing.

“Ready to go back home?” Jungkook asks, desperate to alleviate the awkwardness in the air.

“Yeah, I always need an extra day off after traveling,” You reply, letting out an airy chuckle, “How about you?”

“Yeah, me too. And it’s only Wednesday, too. Can’t believe we still have to work.”

“That’s what’s shitty about leaving so early in the morning,” You yawn, “Still have plenty of time to work later in the day.”

Jungkook nods in agreement and yawns. The silence that falls between you both isn’t uncomfortable. It’s too early in the morning to contemplate it any further.

At some point, your eyes begin to close and you can’t stop the sudden wave of fatigue that washes over you. Fatigue from being anxious for the last four days. Somehow, around Jungkook, it dissipates slightly. Slightly enough for you to succumb to sleep. Jungkook doesn’t have the heart to shift when your head falls onto his shoulder. He wants to brush the hair out of your eyes but keeps his hands in his lap. His face is burning.

A small smile graces his lips when you shift further, sink into his shoulder and wrap an arm around his upper arm. Jungkook pretends like his heart isn’t about to beat right out of his chest, especially when your nose is pressed against his shoulder and he can feel your soft, even breaths as you fall even further into sleep.

Pillowy warmth surrounds you, gently tugging you back down to sleep. But the sound of the pilot over the intercoms forces you to open your eyes. A low groan leaves your lips, you want to bask in your newfound warmth for a little longer.

Wait. Where is this warmth coming from? You look up, seeing a head of dark hair brushing over your forehead.

Your heart immediately accelerates, slamming straight out of your ribcage.

Jungkook feels you shifting before he opens his eyes. You feel so warm, tucked into his side. Even if it’s uncomfortable for both of you, he likes the way your cheek presses into his arm and how he could feel your soft breaths against his neck. The soft groan that escapes your lips sounds like honey in his ears, his cheeks warming.

You have to resist the urge to push his hair back. At least he’s still asleep, you think. What a precarious position to be in. With your coworker who you have unfinished business with. What a cliche, you nearly scoff out loud.

But then you see his warm, doe eyes blinking up at you curiously and you panic. You yank your arm away from him, lifting your head up so quickly that he’s surprised you don’t get whiplash.

“Sorry,” You mumble, “How incredibly inappropriate. ‘M sorry-”

Before he can reply, the pilot and flight attendant give the all clear that people can begin exiting the aircraft. You’re out of your seat in record speed, ignoring the heat and embarrassment in your cheeks as you nearly run over the elderly couple behind you to get your suitcase.

It’s the second time you’ve made a fool out of yourself in front of Jungkook. The memory is seared into your brain as you struggle to hold back tears. You sprint out of the airport in record time, and into Jin’s waiting arms.

You’re breaking Jungkook’s heart and you don’t even know it.

The minute you got home and settled in, you made an appointment with your therapist. You finally feel the edge of anxiety beginning to quell. But you’re exhausted, so exhausted. You contemplate taking a day off, but you don’t have a busy day at work today.

You opt to work from home once you let your boss know. Jin also decided to work from his apartment after picking you up. Maybe you can sneak a nap in during lunch.

At your therapy appointment, you finally cry. You can barely speak through your tears, telling Dr. Lee how being in Tokyo felt so cathartic and so heartbreaking at the same time. You tell her about Jungkook, about the friends that you had reconnected with after years. And then you tell her about how confused you are, how you had all but run out on Jungkook on the airplane.

“This is so stupid,” You sneer at yourself, wiping your cheeks angrily, “When did I become so pathetic-”

“Stop,” Dr. Lee says sternly, “There’s nothing pathetic-”

“I’m almost thirty and I’m acting like a selfish teenager! Who does this?” You snort derisively.

“What does age have to do with how you’re feeling? Don’t beat yourself up for feeling things that you’ve never felt before,” Dr. Lee says, “You’ve been closed off for this long. It’s okay to be a little selfish. You’re only human. Don’t punish yourself for feeling. I’m proud of you. For allowing yourself to feel.”

“It’s like… I know what I should do. But I keep doing the opposite. Or I just do nothing at all. What’s wrong with me?” You groan, holding your head in your hands, “I’m a terrible person, all I do is hurt everyone around me-”

“Bad people don’t wonder if they’re bad people or not,” Dr. Lee says kindly, “Making mistakes does not make you a bad person.”

“Am I a bad person, Dr. Lee? I feel like I’m faking it in my own skin sometimes…”

“Bad people don’t want to fix the things that they’ve wronged. Admitting when you can be better is the first step to fixing it. Let yourself fix it. Let yourself lean on other people.”

FRIDAY

Today, you’re on a mission. You have to get that sad look out of Jungkook’s eyes, the one that you see whenever you happen to glance at him in passing and he catches a glimpse of you. You’ve hurt him repeatedly over the last few days and you need to make it right. Before you lose your nerve, you down an entire cup of coffee and march over to his cubicle.

You don’t even know if he’s in a meeting or not. But it doesn’t matter, you’ll wait. You’ll wait for his undivided attention.

Your courage begins to wear off the closer to get to his cubicle. But nevertheless, you persist.

“Jungkook,” You say clearly, “Hi. Good morning.”

Jungkook swivels in his chair, eyes nearly bulging out of his head when he realizes that it was you. Voluntarily at his cubicle, looking like a vision in your jeans and your plaid blazer.

It was a Friday, after all.

“Uh,” Jungkook says nervously, “Hi.”

“I have to talk to you. But not here,” You rush out, “Willyougeticecreamwithmelatertodayafterwork?”

A sigh of relief. But he’s looking at you like you have ten heads.

“Sorry, what was that? Didn’t catch what you said,” Jungkook says with an arch of his eyebrow.

“Uh. I want to talk to you. But not here at work. Will you get ice cream with me later today after work?” You mumble, looking at the floor before chastising yourself and meeting his piercing gaze.

Jungkook thinks he must be dreaming. There’s no way that you are asking him to get ice cream. He thought that you were done with him, that you disliked him even. Maybe he doesn’t know you at all.

“With me?” Jungkook sputters.

“Yeah. With you,” You nod with a small smile, “I know a place.”

“You know all the good ice cream spots on this side of the world, huh?” Jungkook says airily.

“I don’t think you had the opportunity to enjoy it in Tokyo,” You say softly, “So I want to make it up to you.”

“Oh. Okay,” Jungkook nods as his heart sings, “Text me the place and time, and I’ll meet you there?”

“Y-yeah. Okay,” You reply, pulling your clammy hands out of your pockets.

“See you soon, then,” Jungkook says, flashing a bunny smile at you. You haven’t seen that smile from him in a while and it surprises you how much you missed it. How it makes you want to smile back at him.

Your jitters are parallel, if not worse, to first date jitters, except it’s been a long time since you’ve been on a first date. These jitters are so much worse, considering that you think you have a lot to apologize for and explain to Jungkook. Your stomach is twisted in knots, your leg bouncing as you mindlessly scroll through your phone.

You’d arrived at the ice cream shop about twenty minutes early. Another nervous habit. You hate being late to things.

Jungkook walks in and you knock your knee into the table as you get up from your seat. “Hi,” You wave weakly, “Thanks. Uh. For coming.”

You feel a little dizzy, lightheaded as you take him in. Long sleeved black shirt tucked into black jeans- he looks handsome. But more than that, you’re nervous to face him and bare your heart to him.

“What’s your favorite flavor?” Jungkook asks, peering at the buckets of ice cream behind you.

“Huh?”

“Ice cream? What’s your favorite?” Jungkook asks.

“I like chocolate. I’m easy to please,” You shrug, “Maybe chocolate raspberry. Mint chocolate, too. Oh, and orange chocolate-”

“Mint chocolate,” Jungkook exclaims, scrunching his nose, “Ugh. That’s gross.”

“Oh, whatever,” You roll your eyes playfully. Jungkook gestures for you to order your ice cream first, and then you both sit at a table towards the back near the windows. The sun has long set, blanketing the city in the night sky.

“Do you like it?” You ask, pointing at his selection of cookies and cream. He looks like a deer caught in headlights when he looks up at you, eyes gleaming and lips parted. He nods enthusiastically.

A few more seconds of comfortable silence go by.

“Jungkook,” You say softly, “I think… I should explain myself. For Tokyo.”

He nearly chokes on his ice cream. “No, it’s-”

“Jungkook,” You say firmly, reminding Jungkook of why he is intimidated by you even still, “I asked you to meet me for ice cream because… I’m sorry for blowing up at you that night. You didn’t know, and it wasn’t fair to take it out on you. It’s not fair for me to keep one foot in the past and have this chokehold on a time that doesn’t exist anymore. So I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for just… running out of the airport without saying a word to you. I understand if you don’t want to have anything more than a workplace relationship with me- not that we’re in a relationship, oh my god,- I just meant, I get if you don’t want to be more than acquaintances.”

You cut off your own rambling, wanting to pull your eyes away so he can’t see your heart on your sleeve, but you find yourself unable to. Jungkook has never seen you this nervous before. It’s different. He’s only ever seen you be swift and confident, always sure in yourself. There are more layers to you than he knows, and he wants to peel them back.

“I’m sorry, too,” Jungkook says, “I didn’t… I didn’t know, but I can’t help but feel like maybe I should have. And I’m sorry. That you haven’t been happy, and that I remind you of-”

“No,” You shake your head, “What I said was wrong. I’m happy now, too. Happiness is dependent on the circumstances. It’s not the same, but it’s there. And I never… meant to make you feel like anything I was projecting onto you was because of you. I mean, we just found each other again after what? Five years? Isn’t that funny?”

“Yeah,” Jungkook nods, as if he doesn’t have the memory of the last time he saw you before you had disappeared all those years ago stamped into his brain, “And I mean… We don’t have to just be acquaintances. If you don’t want to be. We don’t have to just have a workplace relationship, as you called it.”

He shoots you a teasing smile and you shrink in your seat, with a nervous laugh of your own. “O-Okay. I’d like that. To be friends, I mean. To be friends like we were when we were younger.”

“It wasn’t that long ago,” Jungkook says, his tongue poking out to swipe at his bottom lip, “Makin’ it sound like we’re old as hell. And we don’t have to be friends like that-”

Your heart drops, and you can’t hide it-

“We can be better. Than what we were like when we were younger.”

Your face feels warm, the sincerity dripping in his eyes makes you shift in your seat. You smile at him, bright and bold, and he smiles right back. When you both leave the ice cream shop, you can’t deny the flutter in your belly at the thought of a new (but old) friend back in your life after so long.

And it feels nice.

#jungkook x reader #jungkook x you #jeon jungkook #bts x reader #jungkook fluff

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that-banana-headed-bovine · 4 years ago

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Knight Rider 2000

WARNING

This post contains spoilers for Knight Rider 2000, the 1991 film which attempts to expand on the canonical universe of Knight Rider (1982-1986). Key word, attempts. I know that this film came out almost 30 years ago at this point, but I also know that this fandom grows a little bit every day, and there will ALWAYS be people who haven’t seen every episode (myself included), let alone every movie! I happened to catch it on Charge! for Hoff's birthday (yes I'm hella late posting this LOL) with my good friend @trust-doesnt-oxidize, and boy let me tell you, it was… Something.

From here on out, I’m not holding back from sharing my impression of the film based on specific details from it, so if you want a spoiler-free viewing, go watch it and come back!! Or… don’t, it’s kind of awful. I can only think of one thing in canon that it may spoil, and even that appears in early Season 2 and is fairly minor, so if you are curious about it, I HIGHLY recommend watching it BEFORE reading this. The scenes with the most impact are touching because they come as a surprise, so even if you know the general plot of the film, I would recommend watching it first.

Also this is really rambley because I have a lot of emotions about this series and, by extension, this movie. I really don’t blame you if you click away here, but if you DO read it all the way through, I would love to hear anything you would like to add, agree or disagree!

OKAY! Knight Rider 2000 is a movie that exists! And I hate it!

The film sets up an interesting argument between two groups of people whose names I don’t remember because they were boring (except for Devon, I know his name at this point). In this interpretation of the “future,” gun control has been implemented to,,, some extent, I can’t entirely tell if there have been some policies implemented across the country or if it is all localized in this one city that even the Wikipedia page for this movie doesn’t bother to mention. And no, this city is NOT in California for once! Usually I would be happy to see a change of setting, but considering that everything in this film felt so foreign to the Knight Rider that we know, it would have been nice to at least have a familiar setting. Anyway, gun control stuff. The debate between whether these gun control policies are ethical or not is very interesting. Innocent people are dying because the wrong people have guns and the police are rendered useless when they themselves don’t have access to weapons. This argument happens to support my perspective on the issue, so I appreciated how it took a look at that side WITHOUT it sounding like we are crazy murderer people, but I digress. It makes sense that the ban happened in the first place, because much like how the main conflict in Pixar’s latest film Incredibles 2 revolves around society’s over-reliance on superheroes, I could see Knight Rider’s society becoming dependent on technology to save them. It can be easy to seem like the most advanced tech in that society is present only in KITT and KIFT, and to SOME extent that is true. However, Shawn does say that it is relatively common in this society for people to have memory chips in their brain. That counts for something. And the police DO have a defense mechanism according to the Wikipedia page for this movie, it’s just nonlethal.

So as you can see, I am very interested in the conflict this world sets up. I sure hope they expand on these conflicting ideologies throughout the film, giving us a clearer idea of why the bans were set in place AND giving us insight into what exactly has caused some revolt against it. That subject is seemingly timeless, and with how decently the introduction tackled it, I have some confidence that this film could pull it off in a tasteful way. Wouldn’t that be amazing? It’s some of the most serious subject matter Knight Rider has ever tackled. It’s so interesting!

Yeah they pretty much abandon that plot in place of a very, very bad copy of the original show’s “Hearts of Stone” (season 1, episode 14). Illegal guns exist and are bad, but we don’t really know why. I may know a little better if I had been listening closer, but I was trying to not get so bored that I missed Kitt’s parts!

At some point during this sequence, we are introduced to Shawn, a happy police officer who is happy to have a family on a happy birthday. And then she gets shot! Due to head force trauma rendering her unconscious, she’s sent to the hospital. She goes in for a risky operation that miraculously saves her life against all odds.

Then, Michael wakes up with Garthe Knight’s face and hears a great story about how one man CAN make a difference!… I mean what?

Jokes aside, it’s kind of amazing how much this very Michael-esque sequence comes across very differently. It’s almost the perfect example of why I don’t like this movie. The surgery is weirdly realistic for a Knight Rider entity. There’s blood and screens and surgeons and a sterile white room for operations. Michael woke up in a Medieval castle with one doctor and two random people he’d never met at his side. Shawn’s situation clearly makes more sense, but is it half as fun and whimsical? No, no it’s not. This whole film comes across as depressing to me, and it’s only worsened by what’s to come. Apparently, she had KITT’s CPU/Microprocessor/something sciencey implanted into her brain. That’s especially strange since all that I saw was a yellow liquid being injected directly into her skull! That’s a lovely image, and definitely gave me the idea that there was a full computer chip going in there??? (It may have actually been explained more clearly, and I just looked away because eek weirdly bloody operation scene) This caused her personality to do a full 180. So, Shawn is going to be fun, snarky, and full of personality like KITT is because they share memories now! Right? Right???

I think they tried to do that, but it came across flat. So flat. She speaks in a purposefully monotone, robotic voice and delivers downright mean comments that leave Michael and KITT scratching their heads. She seems to lack basic empathy until her own memories start flooding back, and at that point, the emotions she show seem so foreign to the character we see that it’s not remotely believable. You want me to believe that this robotic woman with -10 personality points started nearly crying after one string of memories, albeit a very traumatic one, entered her mind? This would have been believable if she was entirely changed afterwards, coming across as far more human, but that was only the case sometimes. It also would have been believable if the film had the same energy that the original Knight Rider show does, where suspending one’s disbelief is necessary to make it past the opening credits. However, this movie tries to be so grounded that the kind of dramatic beats that would work in the original seem forced here.

Shawn is not the only character who I take issue with, though. Let’s start with the most potentially problematic change from the usual canon in the entire film: KITT’s personality. I have very mixed feelings on how he is portrayed. If you’ve seen as much as a spattering of quotes from this movie, you probably could sense that KITT was… off. When KITT first comes on screen, he slams Michael with a wave of insults, and none of them come off as their normal joking around. However, I don’t necessarily have a problem with that because he has the proper motivation to be very, very upset. He is sitting on a desk as a heap of loosely connected parts that have just enough power to make the signature red scanner whir and make an oddly terrifying red light eyeball thing (Hal???) move. The first thing he hears is Devon nonchalantly saying something along the lines of, “I’m afraid he was recycled” to explain why KITT has been deactivated for OVER A DECADE and is not currently in anything that moves (my Charge! stream thing lagged at this point but @trust-doesnt-oxidize has since told me that Devon DID appear upset about KITT's being sold, but KITT likely wouldn't have heard that and what Devon said seemed to be moreso directed at HOW the chip was sold and not the fact that it was sold in the first place). KITT is justifiably mad, and if they had kept KITT’s actions in character while his emotions said otherwise, I would have no problem with it at all.

However, once KITT’s CPU is somehow implanted into Michael’s Chevrolet, KITT does not act in character. Shawn drives, not Michael, so it stands to reason that he would not necessarily listen to her. She stole his CPU, his life for over a decade. KITT does tend to listen to human companions, regardless of whether he is programmed to or not, but I can see where this would be an exception. However, Michael soon intercedes and essentially tells him to cut it out. Based on everything that the original Knight Rider told us, KITT no longer has a choice of whether to listen or not. Michael is ultimately the one who calls the shots because of KITT’s very programming. And yet, in this scene, KITT doesn’t listen to Michael and apparently gets so angry that he downright stops functioning. Because that happens all the time in the original series!

And if you’re wondering where I got the conclusion that KITT frustrated his circuits to the point where they could no longer work, he said that. KITT. Admitted to having feelings. In fact, he did not just admit to being angry in the moment. He told Michael that, while it may seem like he is an emotionless robot, he does have a “feelings chip.” A FEELINGS CHIP-

I am for recognizing KITT’s obvious emotions as much as the next guy. I think they are often overlooked when discussing his character. While I don’t think that real artificial intelligence will ever reach the level of human consciousness, the entire energy of Knight Rider comes from playing with this concept by portraying an AI character who clearly emotes interacting with a human who doesn’t seem to know that. But the thing that makes this show feel so sincere is that neither character plays too heavily into that trope. While not always knowing how much KITT feels and by extension hurting those feelings alarmingly often, Michael recognizes it enough to work in concert with KITT, apologize for his more major flubs, and consider KITT a friend. And KITT subverts the trope by never recognizing that he has feelings to begin with. He will say that he cannot feel sadness but, in the next breath, say that something upset him. He will say he cannot hold a grudge only to immediately rattle off a string of insults directed at the person he clearly has a grudge on. The show is magic in how these two characters display a subtle chemistry that always has room to grow because both characters are slowly coming to see each other for who they truly are and supporting one another along the way. From what I can tell, the original show never fully concludes that arc, and it may even start regressing after Season 1. However, we can feasibly see how Michael could slowly come to understand that KITT really does feel things just as much as he does. And we can imagine the relief KITT would feel knowing that Michael was never bothered by that possibility.

So, you can see where I have a big problem with KITT spelling it out so plainly. The audience gets full confirmation about what has been displayed to us through nuanced hints throughout the series, which sounds a lot more satisfying than it really ends up being in this film. But worse than an underwhelming conclusion to a thrilling story, Michael knows it plain as day. There is very little buildup to KITT admitting this. He barely even sounds moved. Instead, in this movie, the “feelings chip” is a fact of life that does not need to be covered up in the slightest. Michael himself doesn’t really… react. He just kind of nods along, as if he’s saying, “Huh, makes sense, alright.” After everything these two have been through, if there really was such a simple explanation for why KITT is the way he is… why arguments went south, why the mere mention of a Chevrolet was enough to get a seemingly jealous response, why inconsequential things like music taste and gambling were subjects of debate, why KITT had always acted so exaggeratedly dismissive when topics of emotional significance struck a chord, why every little sarcastic banter had a hint of happiness until it didn’t… don’t you think Michael would do something? Whether that something would be a gentle, “I always knew that, pal”; a shocked, “Why didn’tchya tell me sooner?!”; or even a sarcastic, disbelieving, “Yeah, right” is up to interpretation. But there would be something.

And yet, even that concept is flawed. We learn a lot from KARR’s inclusion in the original series, and what I take away from it boils down to a simple sentiment. FLAG never meant for their AIs to be human. I do realize that directly contradicts what Devon says within this film, but I see that as another way for the film to steer the plot in this direction, not as a tie in to the original. When Wilton says that one man CAN make a difference, he means that. He isn’t considering that KITT is just as much a person as Michael. He’s not seeing that, at the end of the day, teamwork is what makes the show work, even if Michael is the glue that holds it together. So, I think that to say that there is a “feelings chip” is to disregard the entire point of the original, that in this world life finds a way of inserting itself and that KITT’s (and KARR’s for that matter) humanity is an anomaly, not the rule. At the end of the day, KITT’s humanity can’t be explained away with science. And really, I don’t think it should be explained away at all. The show has had an amazing trend of showing us how KITT feels, in all its unorthodox glory, alongside private moments that had me sobbing like a baby. The movie should just be like a longer, more complex episode of Knight Rider… Although I cannot pinpoint exactly how it should be done in the context of this film, I know there are ways that Michael could have been shown that KITT feels rather than being told.

One last complaint, albeit a more minor one, is the idea that he has to listen to what Shawn says over Michael's authority. I have spent a decent amount of time thinking about this one point, which has caused a lot of the delay in posting this. There's multiple reasons why this flies right in the face of what is canon in the original series. Perhaps the most obvious of these problems is the fact that, in the original pilot episode, it's made very clear that KITT can't assume control of the Knight 2000 without Michael's express permission unless Michael is unconcious. Devon makes it quite clear in this episode that KITT is programmed specifically to listen to Michael, not just anyone who happens to be piloting the vehicle at the time. In case there was any doubt about this, KITT ejects two people who are attempting to steal him later in the episode (well, ok, later in the two-parter, I don't know if it was the same episode or not). The show isn't SUPER strict about this in future episodes, but it does at least acknowledge Michael's authority in a few pivotal moments throughout Season 1 (I can't comment on episodes that I haven't seen yet, but I suspect that this pattern continues). Of all the rules set up throughout the series, it actually seems to be the most loyal to this one. One moment that stands out to me is in Trust Doesn't Rust when KITT attempts to stop Michael from causing a head-on collision with KARR, but Michael then overrides him and the climax unfolds. If one of the most iconic moments in the series is caused by this one bit of programming, to throw it out in the film is to disrespect the basis of the original series.

Speaking of KARR, he provides yet another reason niglecting this detail is such a big problem. From what we can tell, KARR isn't programmed to one specific driver (at least, not anymore[?]), and so he can override anyone in the pilot's seat. This is something they seem to highlight in TDR as well, although not so plainly as the previous point. KARR ends up ditching Tony to gain speed and get an upper hand in the chase with Michael and KITT (although a scene they deleted would have made this a mUCH MORE SENSIBLE ACTION THAT R E A L L Y ISN'T A BETRAYAL but y'know what this post isn't about that) whereas KITT has to listen to Michael even to his own detriment. If this one feature is indeed one of the major things that separates KITT from KARR, the idea that Shawn can override all of that cheapens the original conflict between KITT and KARR.

...Well okay, let's be real, KARR was never that compelling as an antagonist to begin with because he's a LOYAL SWEETIEPIE-- I'll stop.

And finally, we have the biggest, most bizarre reason that this is a problem:

If Shawn can override Michael's authority, that means KITT can override Michael's authority.

Why? This would be the first time (outside of episodes where some sort of reprogramming or mind control was involved) in the series that KITT had not only listened to another human instead of Michael, but also listened to that person OVER Michael. The only difference I can see between Shawn and quite literally anyone else in the show's history is that Shawn has KITT's chip implant thing. If that's the reason her opinion has more credence than Michael's, then wouldn't that mean KITT's own opinion has that authority? If that is the case, literally every example I've gone through in the last couple of paragraphs is not just challenged but rather negated entirely.

The most frustrating thing about this scene is that it simply didn't have to happen. Michael could have gone along with KITT's plan, showing him (and us) that he does trust his former partner even after all these years. Shawn could have convinced Michael to go along with it using her... feelings chip. Blegh. Or we could have had a stubborn Michael force this scene to be delayed, likely improving the pacing overall. Maybe we could have even seen a frustrated and emotionally exhausted Shawn wait until Michael is not in the car and then plead KITT to give her the truth, no matter what Michael says. We have seen KITT control his actions without Michael's input plenty of times, and we could have seen some more of his humanity show through if he could relate to Shawn's struggles... after all, he too has missing memories because she has his chip. They're both going through a bit of an identity crisis. I'm sure that he could find some workaround in his programming to help her if Michael wasn't there insisting that he does not take this course of action.

But even after all of that fussing over what has been done wrong with KITT, I can’t deny that he is the heart and soul of this film. There was only one scene in this film that brought me near tears. I got more of an emotional impact from this one clip than I have from a lot of movies that are undeniably much better. Michael’s old-fashioned Chevrolet does not hold up in the year 2000, and it is clear that the usual car chase sequence won’t work as police vehicles quickly creep up on them. I was personally very curious what they would do here. I figured that KITT would find some way to outsmart the drivers of the police cars, maybe by ending up on an elevated mountain road that trips up the other drivers and causes them to waste time turning around and hopping on that same path. Or, maybe, KITT would access a road that’s too narrow for the relatively bulky police cars. However, it quickly becomes clear that this city is made up of wide roads on the ground. As KITT veers off the road and tells Michael to trust him, the I found myself having to trust him. This isn’t the way Knight Rider chases usually go, and with all these odds stacked against him, the only thing we can do is hold our breath. The way this scene is staged to send us into this just as blind as Michael is, frankly, genius. Water slowly creeps into the frame as a feeling of dread builds at the thought of what KITT might do.

Surely, we are led to think, he will knock into some boxes and turn right back around. Right? We’re reminded of the fact that this is not the Knight 2000, that there is no chance of this car floating. That if KITT does what he really seems to be doing, there’s no chance… but he wouldn’t, would he? This is the only action sequence in the film that had me at the edge of my seat, staring wide eyed at the screen. And then, the turn that you want so badly to come doesn’t, and you have to wonder what’s about to happen. What was KITT thinking? Won’t Michael and Shawn drown? And, most prominently in my mind, won’t KITT drown?

For a moment, this scene plays us into believing that, because magic FLAG science that is pretty par for the course, everything is fine. KITT explains that they have an airtight cab and over 20 minutes of oxygen. Everyone lets out a collective breath of relief. We see it in Michael and Shawn, and I know I felt myself relax.

And then there’s a flicker in the screen, and that pit in the bottom of my stomach came right back. Michael is confused, and KITT explains what we should have realized was inevitable. This is KITT sacrificing himself. He even goes as far as to let Shawn know that she can use any of his computer chips that she may need. This comes off as strange at first, but it goes to show that KITT is, at his core, the same kind soul we always knew. He acts angry because he feels betrayed, but given the choice, he will chose another person’s life over his own, always. Even the microprocessor that he is most frustrated over, the thing that seems to drive a wedge between him and Shawn, is just how he is expressing his hurt. Now, thinking it is the end, he offers it up freely, and Shawn doesn’t seem to know how to respond. KITT is calm as he says his final goodbyes. And this is the first place in the film that we get to hear the amazingly nuanced voice acting that William Daniels is so great at. KITT sounds collected and at peace with what is to come, but there are also subtle hints that he is at least a bit nervous, a bit sad. “I know. I guess this is goodbye.” He doesn’t want to leave his friends, but he knows that he has to for them to be safe. Even if the pacing of the film seems to actively try to undermine this moment, it stands out to me as an amazing scene, even if the reaction from Michael is underwhelming at best and the reaction from Shawn is… as much as can be expected from Shawn, but that’s not saying much. As far as KITT knows in that moment, these are his last words: “Michael, take care of yourself.” Down to the last moment, Michael is everything to him.

IjustwannamakeitclearquicklythatIthinktheirrelationshipisentirelyplatonicokthankyou

And I felt sad, big time sad. The movie up until that point was unbelievably boring to me, and this wasn’t a turning point where the movie suddenly became great. It was a moment so darn good that I almost don’t think the movie deserved for it to have as big of an impact as it did. But that shows just how powerful this universe is, how wonderfully honest these characters are. Even after being butchered practically beyond recognition, one scene in-character can still bring you to tears because you have connected with them so deeply throughout the TV series.

AND THEN DEVON DIED IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS :D

I don’t like Devon.

Devon was actually more tolerable in this movie than normal, and I can see where people who don’t hate him could be sad that he died I just,,, he has hurt or talked down to KITT and KARR so many times that I actually could not sympathize. What’s even more frustrating about that is that Devon’s death is the one that Michael got all sad over when KITT sacrificed his life for him and Devon got kidnapped randomly but okay go off movie you can’t ruin that scene for me. I knew going in that Devon died, but I was expecting them to spend a lot more time setting it up and making it as dramatic as possible. Nope, he just got a shot to the old air tanks I guess? My view of it is nothing more than that it’s a thing that happened.

OH AND DEVON DID PULL ONE HEINOUS ACT. He said that KIFT was better than KITT in every way other than that KITT has humanity. SINCE WHEN HAS DEVON GIVEN ONE SINGULAR HOOT ABOUT THE AI’S BEING ALIVE??? TELL KARR THAT??? HECK, TELL DEACTIVATED KITT THAT YOU WERE JUST FINE SELLING OFF AT AUCTION THAT?!?! Also also, KIFT DOES NOT C O M P A R E TO KITT. We are coming back to KIFT in a moment, don’t you worry. For now, I just. Low blow, Devon, low blow.

Michael was fine too, he played a weirdly small part and that felt off but everything he said seemed pretty in character. The most out of character parts were when he said nothing at all. OH AND WHERE HE WAS REPLACING BONNIE but that’s besides the point, no Bonnie OR April… no Bonnie OR April… I’m fine…

…

It feels like this movie wants you to forget that Michael exists because Shawn is here she’s more interesting, right? Right???

She’s really not.

So back to KIFT. My favorite part of KIFT is that pronouncing KIFT in your head sounds funny. It’s like “gift” but if the gift were actually an underwhelming villain of sorts that is overtaken in a garage, parked, by Michael either removing his microprocessor entirely or moving it to a Chevrolet.

I was surprised how not bad KIFT looked. I had seen stills from the movie that looked really uninteresting compared to the regular designs, and while I still agree to some extent, it was a lot more epic than I would have thought. Something about how the paint shines on it is captivating. I was genuinely happy when KITT was moved to the snazzy red vehicle, although a big part of that could have been how disgusting mint green looks with red. Seriously, including the red scanner on that bizarre seafoamy-bluey car (and yes, I do think it is a very pretty car by itself) was like when people say movies were “inspired” but in the opposite direction. And the scanner looked weirdly small? Was it just me?

Am I the only one who feels w e i r d just looking at this??

I think this is the most normal thing to be categorized as being in uncanny valley but there we go, I did it. It’s not right.

Anyway, as neat as KIFT looks, it is no comparison to the classic Knight 2000 or even Season 3 KARR. Red can be striking, but not when the classic scanner is also red. No contrast!

KIFT is absurdly easy to forget, and I don’t think that the car’s design has anything to do with it. KITT spends most of the movie piloting that car, and while it is not what we are used to, it doesn’t come across as super lame to me, either…or at least, not because of the design. The biggest problem with KIFT is, I think, simply his voice. His voice feels so out of place in the movie, and it’s so strange to me considering that Daniels’ voice is integrated just fine. The recording sounds too crisp, too clean. KITT’s voice always has a great deal of character, a very Earthy-sounding voice for an AI character. I actually think that this incongruity is purposeful, and it’s a very clever concept. We are supposed to recognize that KIFT isn’t human like KITT is. KIFT sounds out of place in the real world among real people; he’s too neat around the edges. It’s especially obvious when KITT and KIFT talk to each other. This is also mirrored by how KITT occupies a well-loved Chevrolet that has little imperfections that make it feel real whereas KIFT is in this red… whatever it is that feels like it comes out of a sci-fi film. This effect would have really worked if we had enough time with KIFT to understand his personality–or, more aptly, his lack of personality. What makes this not work is the fact that we spend practically no time with KIFT. We don’t get to hear what he feels he is programmed to do, we don’t get to hear him deliver the sort of lifeless lines that Shawn did that made her so unlikable, and we don’t even get to hear his voice more than 4-5 times. Every time comes as a shock, taking us out of the moment of the film. We could have gotten used to his crisp sound if he had spoken more, and we may have seen the actual plot significance of it. Instead, it pulls you right out of the movie.

Oh yeah, and the only line(s?) that KIFT delivers to KITT are full-on taunting… that’s not very lifeless of you KIFT.

Alright, just one last thing to really hammer home a point from earlier and conclude this whole thing. You know what I was saying about this movie lacking the whimsical nature of the TV show? Well, the final chase puts the icing on this oddly sullen crab cake.

Yes, crab cake.

Because the pinchy crab that is Shawn makes it quite painful to get this particular cake and icing doesn’t even belong on it anyway.

KITT is racing down the street in this bright red car that I just explained is thematically wrong for him to be driving tbh but whatever, he’s racing in it and comes up to a barricade of randomly stacked up cars.

Oh Yeah, we all know what is coming.

The music swells. Michael looks at the upcoming barricade with furrowed eyebrows and quietly asks KITT what the heck they’re going to do now.

OH YEAH, we definitely know what is coming.

And at last, for the first time in the film…

KITT veers off to the right and they drive on water. “It’s really sink or swim with you, isn’t it?” Michael asks, pretending that’s funny as if I am not still emotionally raw from that scene that happened an hour ago.

Apparently, KIFT had that one obscure feature from “Return to Cadiz,” the Season 2 episode where April forces KITT to follow KARR into the ocean on the hopes that waterproof wheels might work maybe, directly ignoring his many attempts to get out of it. Yay. I love references to That Episode. That Episode which baited me with an opening that looked like KARR could have been discovered underwater only to show me that not only was there no KARR, but KITT was going to be bullied into repeating what his brother did when he died. Wholesome. Lovely. Fantastic. And how did KITT know for sure that would work? KITT clearly still has some technical hiccups in his own CPU from Michael tampering with it, that was an awful lot of confidence to place in a maybe.

AND MORE IMPORTANTLY…

THIS MOVIE DID NOT HAVE A TURBO BOOST

A TURBO BOOST

I cannot believe that a movie based around Knight Rider did not have a turbo boost (or for that matter, the THEMESONG???). Like I am honestly still surprised by it. Almost every episode of the original show had at least one turbo boost, and there is a reason. The idea of a talking car jumping in midair, sometimes with Michael “WOO!”-ing like a girl, is so fantastically fun that nobody even tries to question how impossible it is. I think we all know how impossible it is, and that doesn’t matter, it is yet another thing that embodies the heart of this show.

And… not even one.

…

So yeah, that just happened. I think this is technically a small novel. Wow.

I know that I'm still missing a lot... I have a lot of thoughts about this movie, and if you for some reason want more please ask! I would also love to hear your thoughts on this! Do you agree with my analysis? Do you disagree entirely? Did you notice something that I failed to mention entirely? Pleasepleaseplease send ideas, I would love to hear them! Also know that, no matter how much I was disappointed by the movie itself, I am fully open to hearing your ideas about how to improve or expand upon it. I truly believe that this film introduced some great concepts, and I would absolutely adore seeing them reworked in a way that's more true to the original. Thank you for reading! :D

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ruiyuki-archives · 4 years ago

Text

Star Tear AU - Alt. Timeline: Todoroki ver. [Part 1]

This is an AU I wrote on the todomomo discord server eons ago. Anything posted to this blog will be transcripts of old original work and not really edited, save for formatting. I have no guarantees if I will ever finish these AUs either so these will only be kept as an archive.

Original transcript posted to tdmm discord: Aug 2020

Momo ver. Alternate timeline: Todo ver. Part 1 || Todo ver. Part 2 || Todo ver. Part 3

Star tears in which Todoroki falls for Momo first.

shortly after the exam with Aizawa he doesn’t know what he’s feeling but just admires her strength and quick thinking

and him hanging out with Deku and Iida at lunch means Todo hears all the nice and good things Momo does when she and Iida to discuss class prez stuff

which intensifies this ??admiration?? and respect more

and he just?? Holds onto those feelings unable to figure out what they are until idk maybe holidays where 1A and 1B throw that holiday hotpot party

and Momos really cute lookin’ in that Santa hat she made with the festive turtleneck

and so that feeling inside Todo grows into something more??? bc "oh shit she cute".... and Todo’s blushing while looking at her from afar. Probably.

so Todo talks to Fuyumi abt it and Fuyumi’s like: “I think you like her Shouto”

and he writes to his mom abt it and Rei's like: “she sounds like a lovely girl Shouto”

and he texts Natsuo abt it and Natsu's like: “aw little bro has a crush”

but all the while this is happening, Momo's gotten closer with Iida over class prez stuff and hero stuff and everyone in 1A (read: mina and hagakure) think iimomo might be a thing???

ofc Momo denies it and making excuses politely like "no no ofc not we're being responsible class prez and vice prez" but she’s kinda stuttery while doing so, so no one buys it

and no ones brave enough to ask Iida except Ochako but he gives some straight laced answer like "i admire her work ethic and respect her as a hero and vice prez" but he also has some tint of blush across his cheeks

so idk fast forward to graduation where Todo's been holding onto these feelings for Momo since first year and iimomo is still very very likely

so its all cherry blossom petals flying around and congratulatory celebrations

and when Todo sees Momo amongst the sakura trees smiling like he's never seen before (bc they're finally officially heroes!!) he thinks she’s beautiful

but just as he's about to approach her, Iida approaches her and Todo can see she's blushing and he knows its really not good to eavesdrop on one of his best friends and the girl he likes

But... he's curious.

or so he lies to himself.

Ofc what he hears isnt what he ever wants to,,,,

cuz Iida just confessed to her.

and she feels the same.

and a star tear slips from Todo's eye as he walks away.

he stops mid step as he touches his cheek bc he didnt even realize he was crying

but what are these tears??? What’s happening?? He's never had these before bc even though Todo is an emotional crier, he doesn’t cry that often.. only when he is completely overwhelmed with emotion

so he has this dumbfounded expression staring at his fingers as these star tears are twinkling out of his eyes catching sunlight and sakura petals

until he hears "Youre a fucking idiot" from a few steps away

Bakugou.

(Baku really likes eavesdropping ok its not the first time lol)

Baku: theyre called star tears.

Todo: You know what these are?

Baku: it happens when you like someone and that person doesnt like you back, idiot.

Todo: ... oh.

Baku: get that shit sorted or you'll go blind

(And for those who are curious, yes maaaayyybe Bakugou has a case of the stars in this timeline too, that’s how he knows. To whom? I'll let you decide bc honestly, I just want todobaku brotp bonding over unrequited love)

so now Todo thinks he might be fucked. One of his best friends confessed to the girl he likes too and she likes him back and now Todo has this disease that might make him go blind and might get in the way of heroing (which they've all secured post graduation positions by now) and what can he do about it?

nothing, says the doctor he sees. The disease is not curable and the only way to stop it is to have your feelings returned else you'll go colour blind and then completely blind, so he's told.

ya he's really fucked.

maybe its a good thing then, that he doesnt cry often. It makes it easier to ice over these feelings, freeze them in time with the memories of U.A.; of his last congratulations to her and her smile at the end of the ceremony an hour after he overheard that confession

maybe its another good thing that right after graduation, everyone went off to their own positions as side kicks with agencies across japan, focusing on heroing

but its 3 months after graduation that Iida tells Deku and Todoroki that he is seeing Momo when they meet up every Friday to catch up

its 6 months after graduation that its publicly announced in Hero Magazine that Ingenium and Creati are dating

its 9 months after graduation that he sees Iida and Momo attending the Hero Association's rising stars gala as a couple and are seated at the same table as them

(Bakugou is scowling at him across the table.)

Todo tries. He really does. To be happy for them.

but he's angry at himself that he can't be happy for them. That it saddens him to see Momo glowing under the ballroom lights but its not himself to make her shine like that, its Iida. That he sees she is the one to make Iida genuinely happy in the way his eyes light up when he smiles at her.

and all three times Todo goes home, lies down alone in his room, an arm slung across his forehead as the star tears leak from his eyes.

he starts to lose seeing colour at 12 months.

after 24 months he needs glasses for colour correction (and ironically gets a sponsorship with the brand. The fashion magazines print headlines for weeks "Hot-Cold Hero Shouto Fall Fashion! See page 7 spread for his newest spotted specks and turtle necks")

at 36 months Iida breaks the news. Iida's gonna propose to Yaoyorozu and wants him, Deku, and his brother to be his groomsmen

she said yes.

and a part of Todo washes away with the star tears flooding him room and twinkling against the tatami.

he tries to stay out of the wedding planning as much as possible. He'll go to the tuxedo fittings as requested and still keep up hearing the updates when seeing Iida and Deku for their weekly get together on Friday nights.

But for anything involving Momo's presence, there will always be a "sorry i have a mission that week", "sorry im visiting my mom", "sorry Endeavor needs to see me about the agency"

... all excuses Bakugou knows, but the others pay no mind. They are rising heroes near the top of the billboard by now

month 48. Wedding day.

she's stunning. Gorgeous. A near goddess walking down the aisle on her big day.

but she's not walking down for him. No its for iida.

there was the ceremony, the cheers, the congratulations, the reception. Fairy lights around the dance floor and along the walls, champagne glittering after the sound of a cork

Todoroki stands off to against the wall as the night dies down, a glass in hand, watching the newly weds grace the dance floor.

someone slides up beside him, he feels the presence. Bakugou.

"She's beautiful isnt she?"

"Yeah."

. . .

a star tear falls from Todoroki's eyes, twinkle hidden among the fairy lights and champagne glitter.

she's beautiful, but maybe its a good thing I can't see

somebody said: what if she knows everything that had happened and the reason why he couldn't continue his career is bc of her?

me: ok you’re asking for it

Momo, 3 months pregnant with iimomo baby, announces with Iida the news to their friends

the soon to be parents want to choose godparents for the baby so Iida gets to choose the baby’s godmother and Momo gets to choose the godfather

and ofc along with the announcement Momo asks Todoroki to be the kid’s godfather

he can’t say no to her.

the same week later Todo and Momo's agencies are requested to deal with this one villain case while Ingenium's agency deals with another in another town (later turns out the cases were connected)

small talk, civil, very professional between Momo and Todo when they’re in the debriefing

at this point Todo's pretty much completely blind and uses some special contact lenses from Hatsume to help "see"

but the contact lenses can only do so much as to detect light movement and shadows and it reallllllllly doesnt work well when he's using his fire

so Todo already had tossed around the idea of running away to the mountains like Roy did in the FMA 2003 ending, "mysteriously" retiring bc really his vision cannot keep up

until this last mission with Momo

and really its been nearly a decade now since they last worked together side by side (not since U.A. he thinks).. so just let the blind man be selfish one last time

and so smth smth missiom happens, Todo and Momo fighting side by side

but Momo senses there’s something off with Todo's movements? His reflexes are slower.. it doesnt seem like he's prediciting the opponents moves like he used to.. he's more so reacting and retaliating than attacking..

she chalks it up to that they havent fought side by side in a long time and his style must’ve changed and really, she doesnt know him anymore... not like she used to

smth smth 3 months pregnant Momo gets hurt, knocked unconscious for a bit

Todo saves her

and when she comes to, while Todo's holding her, star tears fall onto her cheek from Todo's eyes.

She's shocked. Reaches up to gently graze a finger tip at his left cheek.

"Todoroki-san, these are?"

and again its like Todo didnt realize he was crying. He jerks away from her hand and brushes her off with "its nothing”. Changes the subject with "are you ok?"

Momo: yes.. i think so

Todo: and the baby?

Momo, sitting up: we're ok I think

Todo, moving away: good

the mission concludes and they meet up with Ingenium’s group to wrap up the two ends. Todo slips away before Iida and Momo and approach him

theres no activity from Todoroki for the next month

neither Iida, Deku or anyone else in 1A know where he went except the Hero Association's vague comment on "Hot Cold Hero Shouto has taken a sudden indefinite hiatus"

(Only Todo’s family knows and Endeavor asked the Association to say "hiatus" instead of "retirement" bc Enji wants to believe in his son making a comeback. He didnt stop Shouto from taking off)

and ofc Momo upon hearing this is so confused??? Her last mission with him was the last time she saw him and he was crying. Why was he crying? Strange star tears twinkling and landing on her cheeks? What even is that phenomenon?

its too many questions and ofc Momo's gonna investigate. For the sake of her friend.

so she digs up all the texts she can find on star tears. Internet search all the possibilities. Consults the doctors at the hospital. Even asks Tenya if Todoroki has been acting strangely during their weekly catch ups.

but Tenya tells her Todoroki hasnt been the the meet ups since after their wedding

so she asks anyone in their pro hero circle of associates she can think of. Tsukiyomi, Burnin', heros from his agency, anyone she can think of that has worked with Todoroki before and could comment on his behaviour

no body knows. No body noticed anything different either. Sure there were some off days but the Hot Cold Hero Shouto was always on his game being one of the top 3 heroes on the billboard charts

she searches and searches, splitting time interviewing colleagues and researching the possible star tears phenomenon

until eventually her search takes her to...

Bakugou.

Of course.

Momo, pleading: please Bakugou, you know something about him dont you?

Bakugou, who at this point had been very careful trying not to get cornered knowing her investigation: save it pony tail, you’re about to have a baby. Go have people harass you about that brat in your oven instead of harassing other people

Momo, nearly begging: please. You and I both know he's strong and a good hero that would not suddenly retire. Whatever he is doing, he might need help.. please tell me Bakugou.

... theres something about pregnant women that you cant say no to.

Bakugou, relenting: tch. The half ass is somewhere in Yokohama

and thats all she needs nearly running waddling (as fast as a pregnant woman could) out the door

Bakugou, calling out after her, still reluctant: when find that half ass, i suggest you throw him a gift. Literally. Throw it at him. He deserves it.

she finds him along the port, watching the sunset in Yokohama (its really not that hard to find someone with heterochromia and two tone hair in a city, especially if youre a hero that knows what methods heroes will use to go incognito)

and for some inkling of a feeling, Momo takes Bakugou's advice. She has a carton of strawberry milk in hand.

Momo, a few feet away from him: Todoroki-san, it's been a while.

Todo, turning his head in her direction: Yaoyorozu...?

Momo, sadly smiling: the sunset is beautiful here isnt it?

Todo, brows furrowing: .. sure. Yaoyorozu what are you doing here--

Momo, interrupting him: --i brought some snacks. Strawberry milk, you liked this while we were in school right? Catch.

she tosses it at him.

he tries to reach out.

But he'es completely off. And misses

Momo, sad: Todoroki-san. You're blind, arent you?

Todo, guilty: ah.

Momo, tearing up: will you please tell me?

he still can say no to her and confesses his story

and when he's finished telling the tale of star tears, the stars above are twinkling too

she's crying and choking and sobbing through tears and its intensified by baby Iida with pregnancy hormones

But the last thing she manages to croak out at the very least is still wholly her

She apologizes

“Im so sorry Todoroki- san. I cant love you that way.”

“I know.”

END NOTES:

red is the last color Todoroki wanted to lose because it reminds him of Momo

during missions, as long as he could see her, “that’s ok” he thought. she is the only one he sees in color. that is okay with him

to him, Momo is his shining star. And there’s something tragically poetic of him losing his sight to the stars if its for his shining star Momo

He leaves the last stars in a tiny little jar like those paper stars as a gift for her with just the words on a note "goodbye Momo" the day after she finds him in Yokohama

Momo has the jar of stars forever on her bedside and looks at them with this melancholy expression. Baby Iida grows up and asks mom: "what is that jar of stars?"

Momo responds: "a gift from someone that was blinded by love"

Bakugou in this timeline had a case of star tears too but I'd like to think he got his feelings requited so he never went blind to contrast Todo

So thats why Baku is (begrudgingly) sympathetic to Todo cuz he thinks: “that could’ve been me”

The ending shot of a blind Todoroki in a dark room, all alone, eyes closed, thinking back to Momo's shining smile from UA surrounded by star light with a sad smile on his face and it fades to black

> archives masterpost

#todomomo #todoroki shouto #momo yaoyorozu #tdmm star tear au #ruiyukis unfinished aus #sorry not sorry #for spamming the tag #this ones my baby #angst angst baby #oops heres a bandaid for your heart #buckle up yall it just gets worse from here

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lovebassett · 5 years ago

Text

If You Asked Him

Or where Joshua knows the answer to nearly every question but when it comes to the girl he's fallen for, he wouldnt know.

Pair: joshua bassett x reader (f-implied)

Warnings: fluff

Side(s): new years was almost 3 weeks ago but that’s okay!!! I hope you enjoy :-)

Masterlist

If you asked him to tell you his favorite color, he'd tell you, "Yellow, of course." If you asked him his favorite thing to do, he'd tell you, "Performing on stage. No doubt about it." If you asked him if he liked a certain person who always seemed to make his heart race, he wouldnt know.

Joshua always had an answer to nearly every question, but this question, he could never answer without having doubt behind his words. He liked being around y/n, he liked how his family got along with her.

Josh always associated y/n with his childhood because they’ve known each other since they were little. Y/n reminds him of being young and little. But Josh wasnt little anymore. He was 19 years old. It wasn’t long before he and y/n started liking people and everything was okay for a while. Everything was fine. But, whenever he’s around her, he can’t help but feel his whole body go numb. He liked her so much it made his body feel numb.

And it had spilled out while debating with himself one day. He liked y/n. Whenever he wasnt around her, he had this urge to be with her. He wasnt himself when she wasn’t around. He denied every claim about her, but each time he was confronted, it felt harder and harder to say no. His mind would wonder about her. Did he like her? No, we're just friends. Were they really just friends? Yes, to her at least.

He knew y/n was oblivious, but did she really not notice all of those times they'd flirt? Him constantly trying to be around her?

Thats all he could think about on New Year’s Eve, until his phone buzzed, pulling him away from his thoughts. He picked it up and saw it was a text from his sister telling him to go down there and enjoy the party, not just sit up in his room. But he didnt want to. They had invited family and friends. He was down there for a while and nearly everyone was here, except the short girl he had spent a long time getting ready for.

He thought about texting her but decided against it. If she comes, she comes. If she doesn’t, then she doesnt, he told himself. He turned his head towards the door when he heard a knock on it.

"Can I come in," he heard the voice he had been waiting to hear all night. A smile spread across his lips as he quickly walked over to open the door for her.

"Hey Josh," she said smiling while leaning up to hug him.

He smiled and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, "Happy new years eve, y/n."

If it was up to him, he would’ve held on forever but she pulled away.

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were being dicks again. As usual, their fights just had to revolve around me, so it was sort of hard to leave.”

"Don’t even worry about, I didn’t even realize what time it was. Come, sit," he blurted out before sitting on his bed and gesturing towards the spot next to him. She giggled as she watched his cheeks turn a light red, she walked over and sat next to him, closer than usual.

"So, what are you doing up here, why arent you down there?"

I was waiting for you.

"I didnt feel well so I came up for a bit."

She nodded and looked around the room for a moment before returning her gaze to him.

"Can you believe its the last day of 2019. Gosh, its weird to think that tomorrow will be a new year, a whole new decade," she told him while standing up and looking at his awards and trophies before turning back to him.

“Yeah, it’s crazy. It’s been a hell of a ride. It was a pretty good decade, though, not even gonna complain. Really good year too.”

"Exactly, so, because of that, we are not gonna spend the last day up here in your room, we are going to go and spend time with family and friends. Enjoy their company," she said while grabbing his hand and pulling him up, "Got it?"

He smiled down at her serious, demanding face, "Got it."

She laughed and pulled him out of the room, leading him downstairs.

Once they reached the last step she leaned over to his ear and whispered, "Go have fun."

She turned to walk away before turning towards him once more and whispering, "And meet me in the kitchen for the countdown."

With that she left to his sister, not looking back once. He stared at her as she walked away. His lips tugged into a smile, yeah, he loved her. This feeling is definitely not a “like.”

There was 7 minutes left of the day, the year, the decade. His mind shortly wandered off towards all the amazing things that have happened in that year. His show, his music, his career had just taken off. And y/n was by his side, through all of it.

He remembers the first time after the show premiered that he was spotted in public and he was with y/n. It was a group of about 4 girls and he thought they were absolutely beautiful, and he realized that he was going to be approached and sought after by more beautiful girls (and guys), hopefully. But even then, y/n stood out, she was still the most beautiful person he had ever laid his eyes on.

He looked down at his phone, 5 minutes.

He heard light clicks from heels and the smile that was previously on his face, returned. He turned his head as she ran in from around the corner into his arms.

"Hey! Everything okay," he asked.

She smiled, "Everything’s fine, I just wanted to hug you for the last time, until next year."

He stared at her, eyebrows raised. He playfully rolled his eyes and sighed, "You can laugh."

Thats all it took for her to begin laughing at her own joke that Josh still hadnt found funny. But he laughed anyways because he loved seeing her happy. He looked down at his watch, 4 minutes.

Now or never, right?

"Y/n. I have something to tell you," she stopped laughing and nodded. He took her hands and gently rubbed her skin with his thumb.

He took a deep breath, "I’ve spent this past decade with you by my side. And I can’t tell you how much that means to me. Y’know, its never a dull moment with you around, and you know that I’m not very good with words, that’s why I write so many songs. And most of them have been about you, they’ve always been about you because its always been you. You have no idea how long I’ve been feeling this way and I don’t want to pressure you because you mean the world to me. You mean more to me than I can even put into words. But I can’t pretend anymore, I can’t deny having feelings for you, when I do. I-I love you.”

Her eyes widened as his did. He had meant to say I like you, but the wrong word came out. His heartbeat sped up even more than it had previously. Why did he say it? Another question he couldnt answer. His fear slowly washed away as he noticed a small smile begin to form on her perfectly shaped lips.

“10, 9, 8…”

They both heard everyone in the living room begin the countdown, but still they did not move. He counted down in his head as he heard the others say the final seconds of the year.

“Happy new year!”

As if on cue, y/n cupped Josh’s face with her small hands and brought his lips to hers, his arms quickly wrapping around her waist. They heard the cheers but kept their lips locked. They pulled away slowly, but their foreheads stayed connected.

"Happy new year, y/n."

"I love you too.”

As if he already couldn’t stop smiling, he pulled her to his chest and kissed her forehead. Finally.

If you asked him to tell you his favorite color, he'd tell you, "Yellow, of course." If you asked him his favorite thing to do, he'd tell you, "Performing on stage. No doubt about it." If you asked him if he loved a certain person who always seemed to make his heart race, he'd tell you, "With all my heart."

#Joshua bassett #joshua bassett imagine #joshua bassett x reader #Ricky bowen #ricky bowen imagine #hsmtmts #high school musical the musical the series

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lucy-pepperwood · 5 years ago

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HXH Oc

Lauryn Lefebvre

From the Begerossé Union

The people of the Begerosse Union are the french equivalent

They speak a version of french called Hasa as well as the common tongue.

The Begerosse call their country "Nations Alliées de Bezerose"

Some cities within the continent include:

Hartriemont

Aabinville

Ferkalquier

The Capital Phiras

And the town in which Lauryn is from Selonnet

Selonnet is a small farming and mining town. Most people can read and write, but no one really has higher education. The technology is all decades old, and it leaves Selonnet looking like a time capsule.

Lauryn's father and mother are both blue-collar works. Her father Jonn-Mar works in a steel factory, and her mother Emmalee works as a bar wench.

Lauryn is one of 5 children

Her older sister Bryleigh ( 22), is married with a son ( Marcis, 1) and works as a seamstress.

Her elder brother Kason who is 19 and works in the mines. He also has a steady girlfriend, Elyse

Lauryn who works under her sister in the seamstress shop

Her brother Dominick ( 11)

Her youngest sibling Ryleigh ( 7)

Lauryn and her family live in a tiny place with minimal luxury. They are one of the few lucky people in town who have a car. They also have a radio and running water. Only the government buildings and the tavern have electricity.

Lauryn wants to change her family and the town's fortune. It's a small town. They all know how smart Lauryn is. They all plan to send her to university in Phiras. Once she turns 17, they were ready to go. That is until a group of hunters came through.

They were anthropology hunters. Fascinated by the culture of Selonnet. The buildings and the language. Hasa and the common tongue spoke differently than the rest of the world.

These hunters spread the tales of the prestige of being a hunter. All the money and perks. The townspeople are ready to evolve and get back on track with the rest of the world.

They send Lauryn to take the exam, hoping she would pass and bring back the wealth and knowledge. Lauryn is helped to the first testing site by the Hunters.

( Lauryn takes the exam before the main cast, Exams happen twice a year, so she takes the first one ( fails) then joins the main cast in the second exam)

The trails to get to the exam are beyond stressful to Lauryn; this is the most physically exhausting thing she has ever done.

There are only two obstacles she has to overcome before she can get to the exam testing site in Sarherta. First, she must board a cruise liner that is headed for york new city. She and all the other contestants must swim to the ship that is sailing away and pull themselves up lines off the back of the boat. Then once she reaches York New, she has to bike to the trolley station on the opposite side of the city that only has 1 trolley and one departure time.

Lauryn is the 14/20 person to make it on to the trolley that takes her to the exam cite. She is number of 284/375 persons to take the 286 hunter exam.

Lauryn struggles throughout the entire process; she does not speak the common tongue very well, and she is a very naive person. She makes it to the third round because she couldn't understand the rookie crushers' attempts at speaking to her. They break her ankle at the beginning of the third round, and she has to stop.

The first round is the easiest for her. It's an intelligence game. A great game of Clue. Where they have to solve a Murder, Theft, and Kidnapping. The contestants who are selected as the murderer, thief, and kidnapper get a pass on the round if less than 50 people guess it's them. If any other constant guess wrong about who did what, when, and where, they fail. At the end of round one, there are 200 people left.

Round 2 is more physically demanding. It's a hike. In which the examiner marks a trail that the contestants have to follow. They have to make it to the peak and back down the other side of the mountain without being caught by him or his 6 students. Who are using Stun Guns, nets, wires, tear gas, and BB Pellets. Lauryn barely manages this round. And at the end of it, her lack of speaking ability comes to light when the examiner asks her a question, and she can't answer. Previously everyone just assumed that Lauryn was quite a lone wolf. But now they know she underconfident and cant under stand them. At the end of the round, there are 30 people left

The third round is a giant football match. Before the contestants can even be divided into teams, Lauryn has her ankle broken. She's not the only one. 4 people have something broken. After the teams are picked. 7 more people are sabotaged in one way or another. At the end of round 3, only ten people move on.

Lauryn goes unnoticed by Hisoka the entire time. He sees her and writes her off as uninteresting and not worth a second glance.

Going home a failure is a massive hit to Lauryn's confidence. She feels deeply and is disappointed in her own shortcomings. Knowing how much the townspeople put into her.

She struggles with healing and deciding if she'll ask the townspeople for another chance. By the end of her six week healing period, she decided she will try again. She then spends the next 6 months, focusing on her physical self and learning the common tongue. In the day she spends hours under the sun on the farms. At night she sits near the radio and learns the common language from the shows.

She goes back for the second exam, much more confident in her ability to pass.

She takes three pre-exam tests. First, she has to take a ferry to the Republic of Rakario, she makes it to the boat early and avoids having to struggle to get on like last time. From Rakario, she has to identify which mode of transport is the right one. She has to make it to the airfield where blimps are waiting to take contestants to the exam cite. Between the Taxi Cab, Rickshaw, and Bus, she picks none of them and walks/runs instead. The Taxi Cab was the right choice. Kinda. If you got into an unaffiliated cab, you would have gotten to the airfield but been unable to find the blimp. If you got into the affiliated taxi cabs, you would have been taken where you needed to go. The rickshaws and busses would have been driven around in circles or delayed as there was a mechanical issue. Because Lauryn walked, it was a slight issue on whether or not the employees wanted to let her on the blimp. They decided yes they would.

The third challenge was a morality question. You were asked a question by the gate agent and had to answer with more than just one or two words. Depending on what you responded to, your ticket would be marked 1 or 2. In the end, it didn't matter what you answered, it was a way for the examiners to scan the person's personalities. Depending on what you answered, you got put on one of two blimps. But both blimps took them to the exam cite. Those who responded poorly, they were purged from within the exam.

Lauryn is number 287 of 406. She does not make friends with the central cast until the boat ride to the island where they plan manhunt. Lauryn approaches Leorio for bandages because she had cut herself within Trick Tower. This is how she breaks into the group.

Lauryn's target for Man Hunt is 118 Sommey. She does not go after him but does the alternate of finding one pointer. She sneaks up on people and hits them from behind.

Lauryn fights in the second round vs. Pokkle. She Wins and passes the exam.

Lauryn's fighting style is straightforward. She knows how to throw basic punches and kicks. She uses farm and mining tools as weapons. She wins in her fight over Pokke because she closes in and makes it a close-range battle. She uses a pike ax during this fight. She wins by slamming the handle into Pokke's stomach and shoving him down. Then points the sharp end at his throat. He surrenders.

Lauryn initially intends to go home and show everyone she passed, then attend university. But she makes a detour to help the group save Killua. She makes plans to see them again in York New.

Once she is off to school, Lauryn has three primary focus.

First off is learning everything she can to help her town.

Second is fixing her appearance. Finally, its to learn nen. Two out of three were easy for Lauryn,

Lauryn's always been smart. Her classes are easy once she gets into the flow, and finding a nen teacher wasn't that hard either. 3 of her professors are professional hunters who were happy to take her on.

It was her appearance that she struggles with. In her village shes never been the prettiest girl, she was just ok. But now, after traveling so much, she feels very self-conscious. Fixing her appearance isnt even that hard. Getting her teeth fixed and contacts, going out into the sun so shes not so pale. Working out with her nen teachers. It's the psychological part that she stresses about. Anxious about her image, weight, and clothing, Lauryn is always a high strung bundle of nerves. This effects her for her whole life. Still feeling like a fish out of water, never really good enough. She does manage her problem, but she never becomes entirely happy with herself.

Lauryn, in the 6-month gap, learns the basics of nen. Ten, Zetsu, and Ren. While she knows these principles she is by no means a master. She also knows what Hatsu is but doesnt know what she will develop. When taking the water divining test, she is an enhancer.

While straightforward and honest. Lauryn is by no means naive. She is a quick learner. He knows how to read a situation and is now cautious of strangers. Gone is the simple village girl and in her place is a savvy young woman.

( the top picture is Lauryn during the first/Second exam the second picture is after the 6 month gap.

#OC #my OC #MY OCs #OC art #my ocs are my children #My OC Character #My OC art #live portrait maker #female characters #female character design #Hunter X Hunter #hunter x 2011 #hunter x hunter oc #hunter x 1999 #hxh #hxh 1999 #hxh 2011 #hxh oc

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unproduciblesmackdown · 6 years ago

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so being abused the entire first 2 decades of your life: what’s up with that? Night Posts Edition

- classic when finding some “uh oh relatable!” content abt various Disorderres and there’s some thing like “many symptoms overlap with ptsd” and it’s like ooh which one is applying to me?? i mean spoilers the idea that The Grouping Of Non Nt Traits And Experiences Into Distinct Classifications is not actually...an exact science and for all intents and purposes it makes no difference if i am going “oh god #me” at an informative post about adhd if actually its ptsd acting exactly the same anyways so. but yknow it’s wild n zany being like “am i overstepping my bounds b/c this was caused by coping with trauma possibly? what audacity” and etc when it really....that doesnt matter....

- also ugh @ retaining things that downplay abusers’ responsibility for their actions (in specific things you’re personally dealing with, not like, as a general stance) and shift blame onto yourself like........you have to get so used to treating someone’s Abusive Behavior as something inevitable that you can’t ever expect them to stop doing, and thus pretty much considering someone abusive like a force of nature because they’re just gonna do what they’re gonna do whenever they next get Set Off rather than like.......a person who is responsible for their own behavior and in control of their own choices and like. especially zany when you’re a kid and they’re your parent so there’s the Power Imbalance of them being an adult and the other power imbalance of them being in control of your whole existence. but so like even just the other year i was taking the blame for calmly speaking back to a grownass man close to thrice my age raging at me and saying like, not verbatim but the idea of like “ugh i know it was partly my fault for even saying anything back to him because i knew he’d just continue to yell but unfortunately i just refuse to weather that kind of behavior without standing up for myself at all anymore” but like no!!!! that’s shifting all the responsibility for this other person’s behavior onto myself, like i Made him choose to shout at me at like 4am because he sucks and has some kind of superiority power trip issues. cuz i am well within rights to respond to anyone addressing me and it’s Not my fault at all that he chooses to react the way he reacts.

- also that i was ready to excuse my being blamed for this by others because they were closer to that person than they were to me and i was gonna be like “okay i Get wanting to defend someone who’s closer to you” but no!!!! actually!!!! i may get it but i don’t condone excusing anyone’s horrible behavior in the least just cuz you know them or they’re friends or family or something. in fact that’s terrible. i’m just primed to be Used To It because of the weird situation of parental abuse where there’s other people also trapped in this location and daily life with an abuser and if someone “causes” the abuser to start being shitty then they’ll get blamed / resented for that. me and my siblings seem more like friendly acquaintances b/c we had to be pitted against each other in these kinds of ways for eons until we were all in our teens and got some more Space and kind of realized that we weren’t each others enemies and got closer and my dumb little brother was old enough to stop being a whiny binch and Owed me for helping him with math hw over the phone from 2 hrs drive away lol.....jk, sort of.....we did get along great eventually but then i left thanks to said abuse and us talking via twitter isn’t at all the same as us being able to talk in person :/

- also one thing that sometimes Strikes me is that when i’m like blandly recalling incidents of abuse like “oh yeah, that time” it bothers me less to think about stuff that happened to me specifically than to think about times it was Other people who were being treated that way. the latter was always equally or probably more upsetting and it always felt just as bad in the moment anyways, there was no major distinction in the Abuse In Progress experience if it was directed mostly on you than on other people

- all my life i’ve also been super stubborn which never helped and even Abuse MaGee would have to try to get creative with Disciplinary Systems and there was this golden “punishment” which was eat dinner in your room by yourself and i was like oh my god can i really. the horror of Family Dinner was like, this dark comedic farce playing out in that house for all our lives. christ. speaking of being stubborn this one time my sister cut my toe with a knife (half accidentally) because i refused to stop swinging my legs despite her holding the knife under the table lol and i also refused to tell on her b/c we were All In This Together (that is, Us vs The Abuser, which always took precedence over any internal conflict in our faction lol)

- always remembering how my “’”””””””defining”””””””””” trait was always getting good grades except the only reason i ever felt this pressure was the time my sister caught shit for getting a C, and i wasn’t even getting A - F letter grades yet and was already like jfc guess i can’t like....get a single C ever.....the joke is i’ve always been a godawful student who hates school, i just also managed to get great grades fairly easily, b/c of the devil probably. i’m sorry

- love to wonder what interests i might have been able to explore if i didn’t want to hide anything i was genuinely interested in and other True Thoughts And Feelings from my ‘rents. who knows!!! even now i’m not sure what i like and my vague ideas about it are all mostly In Theory and i don’t have any hopes and dreams b/c of never being able to really consider my own interests and desires and also because when every day of your life is basically spent in survival mode about everything else, that’s not really conducive to having dreams and ambitions. see also: like, being really poor

- The Weird Experience when only one of your parents is abusive and the other parent is also experiencing spousal abuse and so like, even though they’re your parent, you know that they don’t really have equal power as the abusive one because they too are being abused? it’s a complicated thing b/c that’s how every individual experience with abuse is (complicated). and so you’ve got this bizarre situation where maybe someone cares about you but they can’t really protect you from this other person. and like, my dad is crap and in some areas even a crappier person than my abusive mom and also i hate him, but i only hate him for certain things lmao not for being abused or some ways he tried to deal with it. i know what’s trash and what’s not

- the zany experience of No One Will Help You Ever.....lucky for me i eventually figured out on my own that what i’d been living with all the time had actually been abuse for real all along! and yet still i knew that like, there wasn’t much i could immediately do with that information because..........yknow, what do you actually do. i was basically already 18, so. and even if i hadnt been. there’s nothing to do for it!! just sucks to be you, basically. but an exception is that when one day i texted my friend to ask if i might be able to leave my house overnight and crash at their family’s place for a little bit, their parents immediately were like Yes Of Course and they let me stay there for a week and were very nice about all of it. between them and the nice trans lady who gave me some more Housing Assistance by letting me stay in her spare room for like, most of december.....my Allies. plus someone who talked to me via online once i bailed on my ‘rents! if they read this they know who they are and they have continued to be so kind and generous ugh love and appreciate you

- god just individual occasions of “THIS bullshit that i went through this one time” of especially ridiculous incidents.....i could go on for eons

- sort of tangentially related and related to the first point but ugh specific memories of Moments In Which It Continued To Be Revealed To Me That I, Individually, Was Prone To Being Kind Of Socially Ostracized.....like my ass started noticing that shit as soon as i was around other kids aka preschool aka 4 yrs old.......like i’m usually somewhat withdrawn and cautious and quiet in social situations especially what with the association that “misbehaving” = trauma exposure so, yknow, that might be a way that you’re pressured into just keeping to yourself and keeping your head down. but talk about “i don’t really relate to other people my age” lmao like i always preferred interacting with adults really while by and large dealing with the other kids felt like a challenge that i was never gonna actually come out on top of and i still remember individual Efforts i’d make to ~fit in~ and Participate that just fell flat or got me actively excluded....Ugh City........and it’s like, i could make a list of Social Traits i think i have that help make it difficult for people to be interested in interacting with me, or “contribute” to those joyous occasions when you get to sit back and take in the thinly veiled contempt directed at you by various shitheads, but like, even that’s not really the right way to explain it. its kind of more a Greater Than The Sum Of Its Weird Parts sorta combined experience where i guess i just have this kind of Negative Je Ne Sais Quoi that gets ya the social brushoff / rejection. c’est ce que c’est. the joke is i actually like people and socializing In Theory, i just usually don’t get to do it. shoutout to the advanced relatability of alana calling everyone Acquaintances b/c i literally did/do that lmao......like are we friends if we don’t talk all that often? it’s part on me cuz i’m crap at being the person to initiate conversation cuz too often i assume i’d be an annoyance and also b/c conversation with me is like, not great lmao but still......ce’st l’a v’ie

anyways (clip from that fuckin song where it’s like WHO CAN RELATE lmao.mp3)

#long post //////#the entire first quarter (at least lol) of my life being Devastated By Abuse means i get to complain about it whenever i feel like it

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askatemplarchampion40k-blog · 6 years ago

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💝- A memory that made them feel loved

HALL OF THE NEOPHYTE, 940, M41

Doom of Huss, Black Templar Crusade Vessel.

Johan ran his fingers over his new armor. It felt light- everything did. New muscles made pained spasms in his body, and his head felt giddy from a mixture of pain and drugs, but he felt it inside of him- the new organs, the greater strength. Where once stood a man, now, and ascended being, half-way to the sky gods he had worshiped with the others on a world his mind had been stripped of. Whatever past it was, surely this was the desired outcome. Black Templars did not abduct children for the trials- this he knew. All were willing volunteers. Whoever he had been as a young boy, he had wanted this. Now, here he was.

The brother initiates had looked upon him during the early months as one would examine a common object. Why should they interest themselves? Many of his comrades had died during the surgeries and trials that had been undertaken. Why waste attention on the unblooded youth of the chapter, when even their survival was an uncertain non-concern.

Now, Johan sat in the hall of the neophyte. Minutes ago he had taken oaths, been given real astartes weapons, and sent here, to sit and contemplate, until a brother initiate came to choose him.

Others had been chosen first. Brother Initiate Malachai came and took the top duelist, Grimm- sealing that neophytes fate as a likely future assault marine- if he survived.

Techmarine Kellhus took Volkman, who had always been keen of mind and intellect, and so it proceeded as various brothers who could take neophytes came and went. Sometimes, you could tell the castellan had forced the duty upon them, and they were abusive of their charges- or, no- that was the wrong word. They taught in their own way valuable lessons, especially of hate.

Near the end, well known initiate brothers would attend, picking from the stock several neophytes. These were the brothers who trained many at once, and were kind of teacher figures to many in the crusade. Each looked for complimentary skills with which a neophyte might contribute to their combat squads; thus would bonds of brotherhood and camaraderie be earned by supporting one another and learning teamwork.

Now, Johan sat alone.

He remarked, mostly to himself, that the ID slate stated that yesterday was his birthday. This would have been his… 12th? 13th? It was a blurry arbitrary number, for his life as he recalled it began naught but 2 or 3 years ago following the last stage of the preliminary selection period.

Despite himself, Johan felt sadness. His mind turned back to how happy his past self would be to see him now, in a grown man’s body, strong, and passed through every test. Why then, did he feel so unwanted?

Whump. Whump. Whump. Whump.

It was the sound of ceramite boots upon the Doom of Huss’ floors.

“Are you the last Neophyte ?” A gruff accented voice asked. Its tone seemed somewhat dark and apprehensive. Johan glanced up past the mountain of the astartes, armor and all, to gaze at the face of the warrior who addressed him. A deep wound had once chopped part of this man’s face away, leaving the lower right of his jaw dull unremarkable metal as a replacement. Along the axis of his face, a ritual scar of the templar cross was carved into his old leathery skin, forming its nexus on the bridge of the nose just under his eyes.Two large metal protrusions from his forehead indicated further cybernetics encased inside of his skull- or perhaps just the remains of bullet wounds survived to the head.

“Yes, my lord.” Johan said, standing up, his cherubic face a complete contrast to the initiate’s own.

“Initiate Helmuth. Welcome to the chapter.”

Johan nodded. “I am neophyte 24b. Have you selected me for training brother Helmuth?”

Helmuth’s face contorted. “That isn’t a name.”

“Excuse me?” Johan said, confused. 24b was what everyone called him.

“What’s your real name boy?”

Johan blinked. “There wasn’t much hope for me in the combat trials, so I was not given one brother. I am neophyte 24-b.”

“Is this your ID slate?” Helmuth asked, frustrated as he plucked the pad from Johan’s fingers and held it before the neophyte.

JONAH NIELSEN

NEOPHYTE 24-B

TRAINING GROUP 7

“That is, my lord. Its information is accurate from what I know.”

Helmuth seemed more upset, but not especially at Johan.

“First rule- no, first lesson, boy. The Black Templars do not -ever- brook dishonor. You have been dishonored. I shouldn’t know that name you just read- neither should you. Jonah Nielsen doesnt exist. He died martyring himself for a greater cause, as you will in time.”

The initiate offered the neophyte a hand and stood Johan up.

“In our order we change our names to suit a certain style of gothic, one that I can already tell has not even been taught to you. We discard our old names with the lives that lived them. From now on your Johan, and I will be your brother Initiate. Our order hasn’t done right by you. We do not leave brothers behind. I’m going to personally change that. That’s another thing I’ll be damned if I don’t teach you- some proper responsibility, Somebody has to, and it damn well wont be the brothers who failed to give you even the basics.”

Johan blinked, and nodded.

“Th-thank you, brother Helmuth.”

Helmuth grunted. “You will come to hate me boy, then respect me, then you’ll understand, and by then, you’ll be a full initiate. But every neophyte breaks the same, always. I’ve seen dozens of you pups raised up. With you, i think there’s some good potential, but its going to take some time. Consider yourself my personal pet project for the next decade, neophyte. You really want to become a templar? Earn it. Prove it to me. Now follow along, there’s a few words I’d like to share with your training group’s masters. Maybe you’ll get to see a proper astartes duel as well.”

Johan followed along in the initiate’s wake. This, here, was the precise moment he knew why astartes called one another brothers. They were truly all a great family. Johan knew he needn’t feel alone ever again.

#ADEPTUS DADSTARTES

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dyketectivecomics · 7 years ago

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So...what ARE you feelings on bruce being a Pisces? Let alone that Cass is an Aquarius, Dick is an Aries, Jason's a Leo and Tim's a cancer?

I slowly shut my laptop and set it aside on my bed, staring ahead at nothing in particular as I reminisce on a favorite Pisces in my life. My best friend since childhood, a girl who i’ve known for well over a decade, more than half of my life really, who happens to share the exact same birthday as Fictional Character Bruce Wayne. A Pisces-cusp.

I think on the similarities I see between them, the qualities of her character that only I and a few others would know, and try to think on how others have perceived her before joining our friend group over the years. I admire her empathy, her passion for music and video games, her willingness to put all of her friends above herself.

And then i remember how she drunk-texted our group chat last night just to tell us she loved us & that she couldn’t wait to hit up a gay bar with us when we’re all back in town.

And I cackle. Because if no one else does, I do see these qualities in Bruce Wayne’s character. Just a hair below all the so-called brooding and angst. Bruce is a water sign who’s a little emotionally stunted in that he tries to hide his feelings, but he feels oh-so-very much. He’s a Pisces trying to emulate a Scorpio and falling just short (bc lets be real, he’s got too many kids that he definitely dotes on) but yknow… it’s something that when he’s done correctly by writers, they somehow manage to fit those qualities in without even realizing, I think. Sure, he’s not a kid that I grew up with and there’s plenty of differences because my friend is, yknow, an actual person who’s more than a couple of personality traits. But damn if I don’t see similarities….

Now, as for the rest of the kids & others that I relate them to… (under the cut, tagging as “long post” for mobile users just incase tumblr wants to be a butt again) Also a warning bc some of this will sound like I’m ripping from astrology sites but honestly just narrowed things down from my own personal experience with these signs. Take all of this observation & comparison with a grain of salt, if you wish.

Cass is an aquarius, like myself. And I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t see more than a few similarities in what few scattered stories I’ve been able to read so far (or even that I might be prone to reading a bit too much into some of it bc hey, I have a fav now & I want to see myself in her, sue me). One of these days I’m probably going to sit down and really dive in, but for now, I gather what I can, listen to the meta that others have, and ofc, try to form my own opinion.

That being said, an eccentric-ass Aquarius is really the only choice to take over the mantle from a sensitive-ass Pisces, and everyone can fite me on this. Aquarians & Pisces, my friend and I, Bruce and Cass- all on a similar wavelength, esp when they’re encouraging each other and learning to grow from one another.

Cass is an air sign that most people only see as being grounded because of the discipline David Cain instilled in her from childhood. She’s funny, wise beyond her years, and intensely dedicated to the mission at hand bc of what it means to help others as a whole. And this is fault that I see in myself and in her: she’s got plenty of empathy for those she might already be close to, and absolutely cares about humanity in a greater sense, but caring for individuals without getting to know them can be uncomfortable. She’s driven, but can be blindsided by that dedication and burn herself out easily if others don’t intervene. Also, an introverted extrovert, one who’s absolutely ready to meet with others and collaborate/team-up, but can get a little lost in her own head from time-to-time.

…

Now, Dick the Aries. My other best friend since childhood also shares this sign with my First Favorite Robin. And I do see more than a number of parallels between the two of them. My aries friend has a penchant for taking over projects and setting themselves in charge of the operation. But they also have the charm and ingenuity to make themselves to seem the perfect and best fit for that leadership position. They’re rebellious, a little brash in decision-making, but they’ve also mellowed out over the years in many small ways. Still on fire about what they’re most passionate about in life, and more than willing to achieve it by any means necessary, damn anyone who thinks that they won’t.

There’s a popular consensus in fanon to make dick a kind of hufflepuff who’s just there for his friends & loves hugs and is lovey all around- but Dick is driven. He cares for his friends fiercely and will help them absolutely, but he’s ready to avenge them too. He’ll punch you in the face, pirouette with the utmost amount of sass, and then make you feel bad for making him do it in the first place. He’s got that bit of deviousness that will make you second guess his intentions. But if you’re already part of his inner circle, you have nothing to fear from him. And that’s where his lovey side then has room to come out.

…

Moving on to Jason the leo, and I know you didn’t ask, but Im adding Stephanie to this discussion as well since she’s a leo too. A few leos that I’ve gotten to know over the years can be summed up very lovingly as this: attention whores. (again. very lovingly. i love each and every one of those bitches so damn much, this is something they’ve each used to describe themselves lmao)

Leo is the King of the Zodiac, commanding attention in the room whenever they walk in. They’ve got plenty to say, of course, and they’re excellent diplomats/socialites in many ways. Often best suited for a leadership position. They know how to read the conversation and the room and turn it best into their favor. They will dazzle you with their wit and charm, but also in their knowledge of the subject at hand. If they have an Opinion, they’ll absolutely let you know what it is, and they’re not afraid to hold back on what they perceive to be a truth. Some will have a bit more tact than others, but they’re a fire sign, after all.

Did this just describe Jason & Steph? well maybe not to some, but I definitely see their drive to complete their own missions & joining up Bruce’s crusade as Leo qualities. Steph and Jay are willing to do what it takes and butt heads with whoever they must if it means doing what they see is right. They’re absolutely social people too (maybe Steph a bit more than Jay will be), and you can’t deny they’ve both got a certain kind of charm over the rest of the family.

…

Tim the cancer sign… this is… difficult actually. One of the few signs that I don’t recall having significant interaction with. (& honestly the character & Robin that I have the least personal interest in. I do want to like him but I just…??? Havent rlly found the time to put into reading up on him more)

But just going off the water sign aspect, and knowing water signs in my life… Emotions & emotional intelligence are obviously going to be at the forefront. From what I’ve gathered on Tim, he’s very well-rounded in all areas of his life, and driven to succeed at whatever he’s set his mind to. I can absolutely respect the strength his character has commanded over the years, and his popularity is absolutely earned, I think. Writers have worked hard to make sure he’s distinct from Dick & Jason before him in many ways, and I’ll have to look deeper into his character & listen to more meta on him before I’ll be comfortable to speak further on that.

…

To round out this discussion, I want to bring Barbara into the mix, because she’s had a fixed birthday for awhile now. And tbh she’s just as much part of the family as the rest I think (yes, I know some people get Babs fatigue bc she’s the first batgirl & gets the other girls lost in the shuffle but hey! I’ve loved her for awhile now!) She is *drum roll* a Libra!

Now, this ones a bit tricky, bc the most important Libra in my life is my mom. Buuuut, she and Babs are both cusps… on opposite ends of this zodiac sign. I admire my mother for her resolve, inventiveness, work ethic, and stability. I also loathe her tendency to micromanage projects, become overly involved in the work of others (to the point where she WILL find out whats going wrong) and how she tends to overwork herself (just this past spring has been really really difficult. I’m surprised she hasn’t worked herself into the grave with the amount of stress she puts on herself)

Now some of these qualities, I absolutely see in Babs. But I also see a bit more awareness in her character, esp when she’s grown up into her Oracle persona. She seems able to recognize what she’s doing and how she’s affecting others, and will sometimes use that to her advantage. She’s a character who’s grown into the adversity she faces & doesnt let it change her resolve for completing the mission, even if it needs to be from a new (& probably better) angle. She adapts well to change, or forces the change to adapt to her. She is a force to be reckoned with and admired.

…

All of this to say… at the end of the day, the stars are still just balls of gas and light that sit some billion light-years away from us. Do they really control our personalities? I mean, probably not. But there’s enough similarities in those traits to make you wonder… and it’s honestly just a Good Fun Time regardless.

#long post #randywrites #asked and answered #sorceressassassin #ok that should cover tags lmao #anyways jim gordon is a capricorn and i totally see it bc my sis is one too & omigosh the way mom n sis butt heads is hilarious when i think #abt how its a reverse of jim & babs butting heads #the parent/child dynamic is reversed by sign & a little by social convention but not rllyby much #anyways bruce absolutely loves and tries to relate to all of his kids but heaven help him #so yeah this is what i mean when i say I'm laughing over bruce being a pisces bc I'm usually imagining my friend #altho her boyfriend isn't a pisces i think he's a leo... so they def don't have that bruce/selina dynamic... since selinas a pisces too #hey like signs with like is usually the best way to go #I've got a lot of feelings and i tried to pare it down to the basics but this still came outlong #home y'all don't mind that tho anyways. happy sunday everyone I'm just gonna go cry about stats now

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mermaiddragon · 4 years ago

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FJEUEBRV OMG HAVE YOU TALKED TO A QUEER PERSON OUTSIDE OF TUMBLR ??? A REAL LIFE LESBIAN ? OUTSIDE ??? OMD

Lesbians more accepted by society ???? Yeah because in patriarchal society it's totally okay to remove yourself from heteronormative frames, sure men love it when we say we don't think about them, don't want them, etc. Because sexism doesnt intersect with homophobia, right ? Fuck, lesbophobia is its own thing because the oppression of women who do not desire men is its own thing. Sure biphobia also apply to bi boys but biphobia towards women has its own layer of lesbophobia and misogynie.

You know what ? The "bury your gay" trope applies more to wlw than mlm. And even more to wlw of color and trans wlw (there are like less than 10 movies with trans women, most of them are full of dangerous harmful tropes and terfy ideas, the portion of them with trans wlw that don't have a tragic end is very very slim)

We could make everything gay. And YES I MEAN GAY AS IN WLW AND MLM. We could but mlm of tumblr have to realize that they have some privileges from being men. Of course they deserve representation. But what do you need attacking us and going "blabla wlw have more representation"? Hey where's the lesbian best friend ? Where's the token sassy lesbian ? Where's the 1 lesbian friend in the group ? And i do mean lesbian, because as much as a real life bi woman in a relationship with a man is still bi, if a show depicts a bi woman in such a relationship and adress her sexuality only once in passing or through an hetero lens or porn lens that's not representation that's male masturbation. You do know that being objectified in porn isnt representation right ? You do know that having The Gay Friend of rhe group made things slightly better but that was in the 90s, it's been 20 years and now we need representation accurate with our lives, our stories. We need to see on screen real life gay men (yes) who face the struggles and joys of being gay, we need to see happily married lesbians, we need to see party gays through a gay lens, we need more shows like Pose with gay men and trans women, we need our stories, we need mlm representation *and* wlw representation *and* trans representation *and* ace representation *and* aro representation *and* non-binary representation and all the others i do not know about because queer is a large evergrowing umbrella.

Also ? DONT YOU DARE DISRESPECTING QUEER WOMEN LIKE THIS WE ARE THE BACKBONE OF LGBT SPACES THE BACKBONE OF QUEER SPACES. Trans women have been fighting for their rights and earning gay men rights’ in bitter victories, lesbians have been holding mlm hands and burying them during the aids crisis, to this day, in many lgbt associations, queer women are doing all the work while gay men keep sitting on their arse and vaguely throwing 5€ at us once in a while. You know how i know this ? By talking to actual real life older gays (by which i mean homosexuals of different genders, wlw and mlm and trans people)

I beg you to get out of tumblr, read dyke archives, read books by queer activists and queer researchers, read papers by queer journalists. We exist ! I am one ! I'm in an association for lgbt journalists ! I'm doing everything i can to make lgbt stories heard and i'm paid the lowest of salaries to do it and *i will not have you disrespect our actual real lives anns histories like this*

Get me the numbers on happy accurate wlw representation, i'll wait, i've been craving it for decades

you know you can ask for more mlm rep in cartoons without constantly shitting on wlw. Also look up lgbt representation statics before you open your mouth :) Thank you

#lesbian representation #representation #lgbt representation #brain has joined the chat

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15001700tt · 7 years ago

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The Victorians, they really aren’t tho

STATION #3

There was a flaw in their plan that they didn't notice when planning. How were the other two Stations supposed to inform the last when they arent on the same planet? How did that slip through their mind? But it was already too late for that, so theyre going to wait like patient people that they are not.

They had another thing to deal with that they dont know how. They had finally found out that Sang Hee is back and they dont know how to react. Some are still walking on eggshells with her and some are confused. Including Sang Hee, she can barely remember everything. She can remember being in her home, playing around with other kids, but she doesnt remember ever using her powers, or meeting any of the guys. Chen had tried to help by giving her books, documenting their lives, which she thought was creepy. They explained that its normal, the books talked about things she didn't understand, so she gave up and set the book down.

"I dont understand anything in this book. Who the hell are Victorians?" She said running a hand through her hair. She went and sat down next to Je Ki. They were now in china where the two royals lay on their beds looking peaceful.

"They are our enemies, they have been trying to take over our planet for years. They almost did a decade ago." Chen said.

"What about me? Where do I come in in all of this" she asked.

"I dont think you fully understand how powerful you are, you are not just limited to healing animals, plants and humans, you can heal bigger organisms such as a planet" Minseok explained.

"What?" She snapped, Yixing was sitting next to her, tensed.

"They didn't realise this because they only wanted to use you as bait. They never got the chance anyways" Yixing added.

"The only reason why they keep on invading us is because their planet, Barron Planet is dead. They want to revive it using our core. But in order for the core to be used by non-Exonians it destroys itself." Chen had opened the book and recited to the group.

The two remaining girls sat quietly and watched, as they figured out how to recover Sang Hee's memories.

"Jongdae Oppa, dont you think its a bit weird how they they never asked nicely?" Je Ki stated, causing a humorless chuckle to ring out.

"Victorians have fought with us for the longest time, but it was our parents generation that received the most damage. The Victorians have elected a new leader from their noble family, Zoya Khan" Xiumin started off.

"Hold up? Noble family?" Sang Hee questioned.

"Yeah they dont have a king" Jongdae responded. She nodded and Minseok continued.

"His second in command was Zack Lock. They were so powerful they had almost gotten what they wanted. They were skilled fighters and masters of their art; spirits." He paused, "If you had noticed while you were getting us, you were informed to get us to Barcelona as soon as possible because of this reason, the spirits are everywhere, and if the spirits are controlled by the Khans, he would find out where you are and you wouldn't survive."

"Barely able to capture him they put him in prison for years. Although the couldn't find Lock, they thought that he wouldn't come back. They were wrong."

"Lock had came back after a few years and helped Khan escape. They had been planning to use of the noble's daughter as bait."

"His plan didn't work, but the daughter had vanished before he could touch her"

"He also didn't realise that his plan had been flawed, because that daughter was the most powerful Healer known to their kind." Minseok gave a pointed look towards Sang Hee.

"Youre talking about me?" She was stunned, all of this happened and she didn't even remember. Soo Mi listened as she sat comfortably next to Jongdae who had his arm around her shoulder. In such a short amount of time they had gotten super close.

"The planet is powerful no doubt but the Healer was better. In a sense where she doesn't destroy everything around her."

"How powerful are we talking? Cuz like you keep on mentioning the stones and the core but i dont get it" Je Ki protested.

"When the twelve in rule die they are buried with their Nonas, so imagine how powerful the ground is when the most powerful warriors and royals are embedded in your core." Minseok responded.

"After recapturing both Lock and Khan they are both thrown in jail. The Victorians hid on their planet unsure what to do without a leader."

"On the day of the decrowning of the older generation..." Minseok paused, drawing in a heavy breath. He hated that memory, watching everyone around him die. The most dearest people slipping through his fingers.

"They attacked...Khan killed almost all of the older generation...the younger generation had to flee somewhere they wouldn't look and fast."

"You chose earth." Soo Mi stated.

"Yeah, Sehun was 17 when he lost his parents, he was devastated. Could barely move" Yixing remembered, he had to do a lot of healing those first few month.

Soo Mi was listening but also looking around the room, there wasnt much. Kris and Tao lay motionless as if not bothered by the cruelness of the story. They couldn't even finish the story because the air twitched and three people landed in the middle of the room, Jongin, Jae Eun, and Ji Hee.

The room had already been pulsing with silent energy, now that four of the royals are here it was pumping. The girls haven't said anything since they were recovering from the teleportation.

"God, i hate doing that" Jae Eun groaned holding her head.

"Oh believe me you dont want to do it the other way." Soo Mi muttered casting a small glare to Jongdae that was laughing quite behind his teeth.

"Oh, hi, i am Jae Eun, this is Ji Hee" the beautiful girl introduced.

"Y'all know me" Kai smirked as the girls shook their heads at his annoyingness, the two royal's attention got turned to the two figures laying down on the beds. They got closer and their gemstones glowed.

The girls were amazed by their Nonas, they weren't like the Lightsticks or even the necklaces that Hyun Jin and Nat made. The gemstones were embedded into their wedding rings.

As the two Royals approached the boys. Seemed to start moving. Not waking up completely but the actions of waking up from deep slumber. As they stood over the two men, with their rings close to their hearts. The action seemed to awake the male heirs.

"I dont think you're pregnant" Chen said to Jae Eun, as he eyes her flat stomach.

"I am going to beat you so hard that you aint gonna have babies. Is that what you want?" she asked him sweetly. He shook his head not smiling anymore. Soo Mi giggled, diverting Chen attention to her joyful face. He raised an eyebrow in question. She shook her head with an apologetic face.

"You're here" it wasnt a question more a statement, but came from the oldest heir. He was looking around in confusion.'What had happened?' He thought. He could barely remember anything.

"Hey babe, you might want to get to the castle now to get crowned, but you know you can take your time." Ji Hee told Kris as he looked around the room.

Tao was still shaking off the haziness when he focused in on his pissed off wife. Almost instantly it was like his memory was jogged and fear struck him. For those around him and are watching it was amusing to see such a tall fearful man be the epitome of being scared from his pissed off, very not pregnant wife.

"You stupid shit! I wasnt pregnant and yet you still froze yourself because of the stupidest reason known to man" she screeched causing Je Ki to curl into Minseok.

"I was taking precautions." He tried to excuse himself, but instead got hit by his very angry and emotional wife. Also there were a lot of kisses in there too but mostly hitting.

"Are you sure youre not pregnant cuz i think i see some hormones churning" Jongdae commented, but got pinched by Soo Mi that was pushing his luck. Minseok saw this as his opportunity to divert attention and ask a question he had.

"Where's Luhan?" Kai's head turned towards the oldest member and tilted his head and smiled a bit.

"Getting yelled at by his wife back at the castle."

"Did we win the war?" Sang Hee asked halting all the side conversations that were happening. They haven't thought of that yet. They tried to push it back to the back of their Minds.

"Yes, Khan was killed" Kai stated into the silence.Sang Hee and Yixing sighed in relief. Sang Hee felt light headed, then the ground was uneven.

Yixing had caught her before she hit the ground. He looked at the shocked faces of his teammates.

"She's been worried this whole time" he sighed, "i felt it but i thought it was just nerves from the stories we've told her"

"It's better if we just take her to the castle and let her rest there." Ji Hee said. Everyone huddled together and Lay carried her passed out form.

As they landed everyone groaned, the Royals were all not used it but the other girls got used it. The groans of discomfort were drowned out by the agreement that Kai's teleportation is way better than the Nonagons. Almost immediately of landing Jongin was attacked by medium sized girl that had a bandaged on her arm.

"Youre late"

"We didn't really set a time for me to come back"

"Shut up" she mumbled. Before meeting the eyes of two amused girls. She waved and they waved back. She introduced herself as Alex. She lead the way back to the group. Almost everyone came out with at least one bruise. Chanyeol was getting stitches on the back of his right shoulder by a girl that looked half his height. As they passed people Kai and Alex introduced people to them. The girl was Nat, the list goes on.

"So what had happened?" Kris asks when he gets in close perimeter of Suho who was putting gauze on who he know knows as R.J.'s legs.

"I killed him."

"Elaborate"

"There not much, i didn't really give him a chance to say anything. I kinda just stabbed him and whispered 'revenge!'" He tried to sound serious, but in reality he felt no remorse. He did just kill a person maybe more but these are the people that killed his parents infront of his eyes with 'no remorse'.

"Nice man, didn't think you would do that, but hey life is full of surprises" Kris pats his back before smiling politely at the girl sitting down.

"Has anyone seen Luhan?" Sehun asks.

"Probably getting busy" immediately Jongdae responds, thus earning a slap on the back of his head from Soo Mi.

"Every time you make an appropriate comment you'll get hit." She simply stated.

"You go girl!" Mi Na appeared. Luhan following shortly behind her.

"For your information, we were helping Ji Mi and Kyungsoo and Baek and Hyun Jin with their wounds, so no there wasnt any funny business" Luhan cleared his throat, "yet" that earned a laugh from Jongdae.

With no hesitation Mi Na and Soo Mi smacked their boyfriends heads to get their heads out of the gutter.

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samanthasroberts · 7 years ago

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The Muddled Link Between Booze and Cancer

A couple years ago, a researcher named Curtis Ellison took the podium in a crowded lecture hall at Boston Universitys School of Public Health to tackle a question that had divided the universitys public health community: whether moderate drinking should be recommended as part of a healthy lifestyle. Ellisons take? I mean, its so obviously yes, he told the crowd.

Youve heard Ellisons pitch before: A glass a day can make for a healthier heart and a longer life. On stage, he told the story of Jackrabbit Johannsen, a famed cross country skier who lived to be 111. Johannsen had four pieces of advice for a long and healthy life, Ellison said: Dont smoke, get lots of exercise, dont drink too much. He paused. On the other hand, dont drink too little, either. The crowd erupted in laughter and applause.

But Ellison wasnt going unchallenged. Watching from the other side of the stage was Tim Naimi, a public health professor at BU who studies binge drinking in the same building as Ellison. He was there to argue the less attractive position: Drinking is distinctly unhealthy. And not in the typical ways you might associate with alcoholism, but in the sense of increased cancer risk—even for moderate drinkers.

Alcohols potential health benefits may have been oversold by industry-funded research, distracting consumers from the realities of cancer risk.

For folks within the realm of public health, thats no surprise. The World Health Organization has recognized alcoholic beverages as a Group 1 carcinogen since 2012, meaning evidence supports a link between alcohol and increased cancer risk. This past March, Jennie Connor, a preventative and social medicine researcher from New Zealands University of Otago, published a review of studies looking at the correlation between drinking and cancer, concluding that there is strong evidence that alcohol causes cancer at seven sites in the body and probably others. Her analysis credits alcohol with nearly 6 percent of all cancer deaths worldwide.

Connors use of the word cause separates her from most alcohol researchers and cancer advocacy groups in the US, where the conversation revolves around a more delicate term: risk. American consumers and researchers are both uncomfortable—or at least unfamiliar—with the idea of alcohol as health threat. When the American Institute for Cancer Research put out a survey to measure public perception of various cancer threats, less than half of respondents believed that alcohol was a risk factor for cancer. Which is odd, because 56 percent thought GMOs were, even though theres no scientific proof that they are.

To be fair, the science around how alcohol impacts the body is still nascent. Ellison and Naimis debate wasnt a mock trial: The public health community is split among people who think alcohol has its benefits and those who caution against its risks. The WHOs designation puts alcohol in the same category as processed meats and sunlight: Theyre carcinogenic, but that label doesnt tell you how much is how carcinogenic. Consumers are faced with the conflicting message that moderate drinking can actually increase their level of good cholesterol and decrease their risk of heart disease, which kills more people in the US than anything else.

Lots of us drink and wed really like to believe drinking is good for us, says Naimi. But the research around that has really fallen apart in the last couple years. Since Ellison made his confident statement into that mic two years ago, Naimi and many of his peers have gone on the offense against the studies that support alcohols potential health benefits, saying they may have been grossly oversold by industry-funded research—in the end, distracting consumers from the realities of cancer risk.

Bias in Booze Science

In late 1991, Ellison went on 60 Minutes to share the good news about red wine and heart health, and the idea took off. Underlying his claim were years of observational studies that compared moderate drinkers to non-drinkers. A handful of studies found that the moderate drinkers were actually healthier than the non-drinkers.

But in recent years, alcohol scholars like Connor and Naimi have criticized those studies for whats become known as a sick quitters bias. Some of the groups of non-drinkers that were compared to moderate drinkers were actually groups of former alcoholics or people who were too sick to continue drinking, so they were generally sicker than the healthier moderate drinkers. When Naimi adjusted the results in a meta-analysis that took the bias into account, the study still showed that moderate drinkers were better off than non-drinkers when it came to heart health—but not by nearly as much as originally thought.

Ellison says recent studies have gotten more sophisticated about eliminating those selection problems. But thats not the only source of bias in the literature. In the summer of 2014, the journal Addiction published a scathing editorial that outed Ellison for receiving unrestricted educational donations from the (alcohol) industry. That money had supported his work at BU, along with his leadership of a peer group that wrote positive reviews about studies highlighting the potential health benefits of drinking.

It wasnt the first time the journal had called out the often-cozy relationship between alcohol academics and industry. Trade organizations like the Distilled Spirits Council, which represents alcohol companies and is the largest alcohol lobbying arm, often work hand in hand with regulators and researchers. Some researchers go on to work for their industry connections, like Samir Zakhari, a former director at the US National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (the National Institutes of Healths alcohol research division). After he retired from the NIH, he went to work for the Distilled Spirits Council.

The council, for its part, doesnt buy the newer research that highlights the link between alcohol and cancer. Frank Coleman, a spokesman for the DSC, says that many of those meta-analyses are flawed, skewed by cherry-picking data points.

The Trouble with Analyzing Alcohol

Those biases are a direct challenge to the validity of science on alcohol and health. But even if they didnt exist, the nature of drinking still makes it extraordinarily difficult to come up with reliable results. Health risks, including those for cancer, are based on a complex interplay of variables—lifestyle factors, age, genetic predispositions—and they play out differently in each individuals body.

People who drink a bit of wine each day, for example, tend to sit down and drink it with meals. And theyre predominantly wealthier, more privileged consumers—making them predisposed to better health, says Ellison. Beer drinkers also tend to be more susceptible to binge drinking, he says.

Those factors can be difficult to separate from alcohols isolated effect on the body. Were not studying beer or wine specifically, says Ellison. Were studying people who drink them. Even low calorie beers come with a lot of empty calories, says Kenneth Portier, who directs the statistics and evaluation programs at the American Cancer Society. Drink enough of it and it can put you in that other risk factor: obesity.

Ellison doesnt deny that there is a link between alcohol and cancer—he just thinks its only relevant for heavy drinkers. But that starts a whole new debate: What exactly constitutes moderate drinking, and how do you study moderate vs. heavy drinking in study participants with vastly different body sizes, metabolisms, and socioeconomic backgrounds? In order to guide people in making informed decisions, researchers will need resources from somewhere outside the alcohol industry to conduct randomized studies that can isolate alcohols impact on the body over the course of decades.

Still, the less-than-perfect current evidence suggests that about 15 percent of breast cancer deaths are alcohol-related, says Naimi. Nearly 20,000 cancer deaths are attributable to alcohol every year in the US alone, he says, and were not even the worlds biggest drinkers. Simultaneously, the craft beer market has grown into a $22.3 billion industry and AB InBev and SAB Miller, the worlds two largest alcohol companies, are in the midst of a mega merger. If there was ever a time to come to a consensus about what exactly alcohol does to our bodies, it would be now.

Shaping the Message

Connors analysis of existing alcohol research was a turning point for the conversation on booze and cancer. But once youve decided that alcohol is a substantial public health risk, you still need to convince drinkers of that fact. And its a lot easier to tell people drinking is good for them than to explain how and why it isnt.

Things that are familiar to us are perceived as less risky, says Portier. Most of us have been around alcohol our whole lives and we know people who drink and theyre not dead.

It becomes even more difficult to construct a coherent public health message when consumers hear conflicting information. For each drink a woman has per day, her relative risk for breast cancer alone can increase by about 7 percent, says Susan Brown, whos in charge of health education programs at Susan G Komen. But people are often surprised and disappointed that theres an association between alcohol and breast cancer, she says. Many times, they’ve heard that moderate drinking is good for them. That may be confusing or masking the message, she says.

So right now, health groups like Susan G Komen and the American Cancer Society simply emphasize drinking in moderation. In public-health speak, thats defined as one drink a day for women and two drinks a day for men (think of a drink more as a glass of wine or a bottle of fairly light beer, rather than a double martini).

But for most consumers, the concept of moderation is most closely tied to the phrase drink responsibly, an alcohol industry catch phrase that reminds customers not to drink too much—without actually defining how much is too much. I worry sometimes that the breweries are trying to change the perception of risk to benefit their own equation, says Portier.

Thats where policy comes into play. In the UK, for example, the Department of Health changed its alcohol guidelines from saying it was safe to drink moderately to acknowledging that there are a number of serious diseases, including certain cancers, that can be caused even when drinking less than 14 units weekly. While the risk for moderate drinking was low, they write, there is no level of regular drinking that can be considered as completely safe.

Related Video

Fun With Powdered Alcohol: You Can Stop Being Scared Now

Look back at the public health messages around tobacco and youll notice they all share a common, simple message: stop smoking. There was no level of moderation that was considered risk-free, so there was no conversation around moderation. Alcohol, on the other hand, has a much more complex message: dont drink too much, make sure you understand what too much means for you, and mitigate the risk of drinking by assessing any other risk factors you may have in your life. Not exactly great fodder for a catchy PSA. But in a world where drinking is so closely tied to culture, it may be the best option.

It all comes down to perception of risk and how you want to live your life, says Portier. Someone who is at a higher risk for heart disease than cancer, for example, may feel more inclined to have a glass of red wine each night than someone who has a strong family history of breast cancer. People should make their own decisions about how much they drink, says Naimi. But I certainly think that people deserve to be more aware of this than they are now.

To get there, Naimi goes back to the idea of conducting long term, comprehensive, randomized studies. Thats something both sides are anxious to see more of. Zakhari, the alcohol expert who works at the Distilled Spirits Council, says its crucial to look at alcohol consumption over a long period of time, since cancer usually develops very slowly. These studies always ask women, how much did you drink last week, last month, last year, he says. But what they were doing last week or last month or last year has nothing to do with the initiation of cancer 20 years earlier. Its like someone has food poisoning today and the doctor asks them what they ate for Christmas in 1980.

Not that help isnt on the way—sort of. According to the Wall Street Journal, AB InBev and Diageo (another heavyweight alcohol producer) are planning to work with a handful of other alcohol companies to pay for a randomized study that will look at the health implications of drinking. Itll be run by the NIAAA, the same government division where Zakhari once worked.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/07/the-muddled-link-between-booze-and-cancer/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/08/07/the-muddled-link-between-booze-and-cancer/

0 notes

adambstingus · 7 years ago

Text

The Muddled Link Between Booze and Cancer

Alcohols potential health benefits may have been oversold by industry-funded research, distracting consumers from the realities of cancer risk.

Bias in Booze Science

The Trouble with Analyzing Alcohol

Shaping the Message

Things that are familiar to us are perceived as less risky, says Portier. Most of us have been around alcohol our whole lives and we know people who drink and theyre not dead.

Related Video

Fun With Powdered Alcohol: You Can Stop Being Scared Now

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/07/the-muddled-link-between-booze-and-cancer/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/163887195402

0 notes

jimdsmith34 · 7 years ago

Text

The Muddled Link Between Booze and Cancer

Alcohols potential health benefits may have been oversold by industry-funded research, distracting consumers from the realities of cancer risk.

Bias in Booze Science

The Trouble with Analyzing Alcohol

Shaping the Message

Things that are familiar to us are perceived as less risky, says Portier. Most of us have been around alcohol our whole lives and we know people who drink and theyre not dead.

Related Video

Fun With Powdered Alcohol: You Can Stop Being Scared Now

source http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/07/the-muddled-link-between-booze-and-cancer/ from All of Beer http://allofbeer.blogspot.com/2017/08/the-muddled-link-between-booze-and.html

0 notes

allofbeercom · 7 years ago

Text

The Muddled Link Between Booze and Cancer

Alcohols potential health benefits may have been oversold by industry-funded research, distracting consumers from the realities of cancer risk.

Bias in Booze Science

The Trouble with Analyzing Alcohol

Shaping the Message

Things that are familiar to us are perceived as less risky, says Portier. Most of us have been around alcohol our whole lives and we know people who drink and theyre not dead.

Related Video

Fun With Powdered Alcohol: You Can Stop Being Scared Now

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/07/the-muddled-link-between-booze-and-cancer/

0 notes

viralhottopics · 8 years ago

Text

Robert Mercer: the big data billionaire waging war on mainstream media

With links to Donald Trump, Steve Bannon and Nigel Farage, the rightwing American computer scientist is at the heart of a multimillion-dollar propaganda network

Just over a week ago, Donald Trump gathered members of the worlds press before him and told them they were liars. The press, honestly, is out of control, he said. The public doesnt believe you any more. CNN was described as very fake news story after story is bad. The BBC was another beauty.

That night I did two things. First, I typed Trump in the search box of Twitter. My feed was reporting that he was crazy, a lunatic, a raving madman. But that wasnt how it was playing out elsewhere. The results produced a stream of Go Donald!!!!, and You show em!!! There were star-spangled banner emojis and thumbs-up emojis and clips of Trump laying into the FAKE news MSM liars!

Trump had spoken, and his audience had heard him. Then I did what Ive been doing for two and a half months now. I Googled mainstream media is And there it was. Googles autocomplete suggestions: mainstream media is dead, dying, fake news, fake, finished. Is it dead, I wonder? Has FAKE news won? Are we now the FAKE news? Is the mainstream media we, us, I dying?

I click Googles first suggested link. It leads to a website called CNSnews.com and an article: The Mainstream media are dead. Theyre dead, I learn, because they we, I cannot be trusted. How had it, an obscure site Id never heard of, dominated Googles search algorithm on the topic? In the About us tab, I learn CNSnews is owned by the Media Research Center, which a click later I learn is Americas media watchdog, an organisation that claims an unwavering commitment to neutralising leftwing bias in the news, media and popular culture.

Another couple of clicks and I discover that it receives a large bulk of its funding more than $10m in the past decade from a single source, the hedge fund billionaire Robert Mercer. If you follow US politics you may recognise the name. Robert Mercer is the money behind Donald Trump. But then, I will come to learn, Robert Mercer is the money behind an awful lot of things. He was Trumps single biggest donor. Mercer started backing Ted Cruz, but when he fell out of the presidential race he threw his money $13.5m of it behind the Trump campaign.

Its money hes made as a result of his career as a brilliant but reclusive computer scientist. He started his career at IBM, where he made what the Association for Computational Linguistics called revolutionary breakthroughs in language processing a science that went on to be key in developing todays AI and later became joint CEO of Renaissance Technologies, a hedge fund that makes its money by using algorithms to model and trade on the financial markets.

One of its funds, Medallion, which manages only its employees money, is the most successful in the world generating $55bn so far. And since 2010, Mercer has donated $45m to different political campaigns all Republican and another $50m to non-profits all rightwing, ultra-conservative. This is a billionaire who is, as billionaires are wont, trying to reshape the world according to his personal beliefs.

Donald Trumps presidential campaigned received $13.5m from Robert Mercer. Photograph: Timothy A Clary/AFP/Getty Images

Robert Mercer very rarely speaks in public and never to journalists, so to gauge his beliefs you have to look at where he channels his money: a series of yachts, all called Sea Owl; a $2.9m model train set; climate change denial (he funds a climate change denial thinktank, the Heartland Institute); and what is maybe the ultimate rich mans plaything the disruption of the mainstream media. In this he is helped by his close associate Steve Bannon, Trumps campaign manager and now chief strategist. The money he gives to the Media Research Center, with its mission of correcting liberal bias is just one of his media plays. There are other bigger, and even more deliberate strategies, and shining brightly, the star at the centre of the Mercer media galaxy, is Breitbart.

It was $10m of Mercers money that enabled Bannon to fund Breitbart a rightwing news site, set up with the express intention of being a Huffington Post for the right. It has launched the careers of Milo Yiannopoulos and his like, regularly hosts antisemitic and Islamophobic views, and is currently being boycotted by more than 1,000 brands after an activist campaign. It has been phenomenally successful: the 29th most popular site in America with 2bn page views a year. Its bigger than its inspiration, the Huffington Post, bigger, even, than PornHub. Its the biggest political site on Facebook. The biggest on Twitter.

Prominent rightwing journalist Andrew Breitbart, who founded the site but died in 2012, told Bannon that they had to take back the culture. And, arguably, they have, though American culture is only the start of it. In 2014, Bannon launched Breitbart London, telling the New York Times it was specifically timed ahead of the UKs forthcoming election. It was, he said, the latest front in our current cultural and political war. France and Germany are next.

But there was another reason why I recognised Robert Mercers name: because of his connection to Cambridge Analytica, a small data analytics company. He is reported to have a $10m stake in the company, which was spun out of a bigger British company called SCL Group. It specialises in election management strategies and messaging and information operations, refined over 25 years in places like Afghanistan and Pakistan. In military circles this is known as psyops psychological operations. (Mass propaganda that works by acting on peoples emotions.)

Cambridge Analytica worked for the Trump campaign and, so Id read, the Leave campaign. When Mercer supported Cruz, Cambridge Analytica worked with Cruz. When Robert Mercer started supporting Trump, Cambridge Analytica came too. And where Mercers money is, Steve Bannon is usually close by: it was reported that until recently he had a seat on the board.

Last December, I wrote about Cambridge Analytica in a piece about how Googles search results on certain subjects were being dominated by rightwing and extremist sites. Jonathan Albright, a professor of communications at Elon University, North Carolina, who had mapped the news ecosystem and found millions of links between rightwing sites strangling the mainstream media, told me that trackers from sites like Breitbart could also be used by companies like Cambridge Analytica to follow people around the web and then, via Facebook, target them with ads.

On its website, Cambridge Analytica makes the astonishing boast that it has psychological profiles based on 5,000 separate pieces of data on 220 million American voters its USP is to use this data to understand peoples deepest emotions and then target them accordingly. The system, according to Albright, amounted to a propaganda machine.

A few weeks later, the Observer received a letter. Cambridge Analytica was not employed by the Leave campaign, it said. Cambridge Analytica is a US company based in the US. It hasnt worked in British politics.

Which is how, earlier this week, I ended up in a Pret a Manger near Westminster with Andy Wigmore, Leave.EUs affable communications director, looking at snapshots of Donald Trump on his phone. It was Wigmore who orchestrated Nigel Farages trip to Trump Tower the PR coup that saw him become the first foreign politician to meet the president elect.

Wigmore scrolls through the snaps on his phone. Thats the one I took, he says pointing at the now globally famous photo of Farage and Trump in front of his golden elevator door giving the thumbs-up sign. Wigmore was one of the bad boys of Brexit a term coined by Arron Banks, the Bristol-based businessman who was Leave.EUs co-founder.

Cambridge Analytica had worked for them, he said. It had taught them how to build profiles, how to target people and how to scoop up masses of data from peoples Facebook profiles. A video on YouTube shows one of Cambridge Analyticas and SCLs employees, Brittany Kaiser, sitting on the panel at Leave.EUs launch event.

Facebook was the key to the entire campaign, Wigmore explained. A Facebook like, he said, was their most potent weapon. Because using artificial intelligence, as we did, tells you all sorts of things about that individual and how to convince them with what sort of advert. And you knew there would also be other people in their network who liked what they liked, so you could spread. And then you follow them. The computer never stops learning and it never stops monitoring.

Steve Bannon, Donald Trumps chief strategist, is an associate of Robert Mercer. Photograph: Evan Vucci/AP

It sounds creepy, I say.

It is creepy! Its really creepy! Its why Im not on Facebook! I tried it on myself to see what information it had on me and I was like, Oh my God! Whats scary is that my kids had put things on Instagram and it picked that up. It knew where my kids went to school.

They hadnt employed Cambridge Analytica, he said. No money changed hands. They were happy to help.

Why?

Because Nigel is a good friend of the Mercers. And Robert Mercer introduced them to us. He said, Heres this company we think may be useful to you. What they were trying to do in the US and what we were trying to do had massive parallels. We shared a lot of information. Why wouldnt you? Behind Trumps campaign and Cambridge Analytica, he said, were the same people. Its the same family.

There were already a lot of questions swirling around Cambridge Analytica, and Andy Wigmore has opened up a whole lot more. Such as: are you supposed to declare services-in-kind as some sort of donation? The Electoral Commission says yes, if it was more than 7,500. And was it declared? The Electoral Commission says no. Does that mean a foreign billionaire had possibly influenced the referendum without that influence being apparent? Its certainly a question worth asking.

In the last month or so, articles in first the Swiss and the US press have asked exactly what Cambridge Analytica is doing with US voters data. In a statement to the Observer, the Information Commissioners Office said: Any business collecting and using personal data in the UK must do so fairly and lawfully. We will be contacting Cambridge Analytica and asking questions to find out how the company is operating in the UK and whether the law is being followed.

Cambridge Analytica said last Friday they are in touch with the ICO and are completely compliant with UK and EU data laws. It did not answer other questions the Observer put to it this week about how it built its psychometric model, which owes its origins to original research carried out by scientists at Cambridge Universitys Psychometric Centre, research based on a personality quiz on Facebook that went viral. More than 6 million people ended up doing it, producing an astonishing treasure trove of data.

These Facebook profiles especially peoples likes could be correlated across millions of others to produce uncannily accurate results. Michal Kosinski, the centres lead scientist, found that with knowledge of 150 likes, their model could predict someones personality better than their spouse. With 300, it understood you better than yourself. Computers see us in a more robust way than we see ourselves, says Kosinski.

But there are strict ethical regulations regarding what you can do with this data. Did SCL Group have access to the universitys model or data, I ask Professor Jonathan Rust, the centres director? Certainly not from us, he says. We have very strict rules around this.

A scientist, Aleksandr Kogan, from the centre was contracted to build a model for SCL, and says he collected his own data. Professor Rust says he doesnt know where Kogans data came from. The evidence was contrary. I reported it. An independent adjudicator was appointed by the university. But then Kogan said hed signed a non-disclosure agreement with SCL and he couldnt continue [answering questions].

Kogan disputes this and says SCL satisfied the universitys inquiries. But perhaps more than anyone, Professor Rust understands how the kind of information people freely give up to social media sites could be used.

Former Ukip leader Nigel Farage is a friend of the Mercers. Photograph: Oli Scarff/AFP/Getty Images

The danger of not having regulation around the sort of data you can get from Facebook and elsewhere is clear. With this, a computer can actually do psychology, it can predict and potentially control human behaviour. Its what the scientologists try to do but much more powerful. Its how you brainwash someone. Its incredibly dangerous.

Its no exaggeration to say that minds can be changed. Behaviour can be predicted and controlled. I find it incredibly scary. I really do. Because nobody has really followed through on the possible consequences of all this. People dont know its happening to them. Their attitudes are being changed behind their backs.

Mercer invested in Cambridge Analytica, the Washington Post reported, driven in part by an assessment that the right was lacking sophisticated technology capabilities. But in many ways, its what Cambridge Analyticas parent company does that raises even more questions.

Emma Briant, a propaganda specialist at the University of Sheffield, wrote about SCL Group in her 2015 book, Propaganda and Counter-Terrorism: Strategies for Global Change. Cambridge Analytica has the technological tools to effect behavioural and psychological change, she said, but its SCL that strategises it. It has specialised, at the highest level for Nato, the MoD, the US state department and others in changing the behaviour of large groups. It models mass populations and then it changes their beliefs.

SCL was founded by someone called Nigel Oakes, who worked for Saatchi & Saatchi on Margaret Thatchers image, says Briant, and the company had been making money out of the propaganda side of the war on terrorism over a long period of time. There are different arms of SCL but its all about reach and the ability to shape the discourse. They are trying to amplify particular political narratives. And they are selective in who they go for: they are not doing this for the left.

In the course of the US election, Cambridge Analytica amassed a database, as it claims on its website, of almost the entire US voting population 220 million people and the Washington Post reported last week that SCL was increasing staffing at its Washington office and competing for lucrative new contracts with Trumps administration. It seems significant that a company involved in engineering a political outcome profits from what follows. Particularly if its the manipulation, and then resolution, of fear, says Briant.

Its the database, and what may happen to it, that particularly exercises Paul-Olivier Dehaye, a Swiss mathematician and data activist who has been investigating Cambridge Analytica and SCL for more than a year. How is it going to be used? he says. Is it going to be used to try and manipulate people around domestic policies? Or to ferment conflict between different communities? It is potentially very scary. People just dont understand the power of this data and how it can be used against them.

There are two things, potentially, going on simultaneously: the manipulation of information on a mass level, and the manipulation of information at a very individual level. Both based on the latest understandings in science about how people work, and enabled by technological platforms built to bring us together.

Are we living in a new era of propaganda, I ask Emma Briant? One we cant see, and that is working on us in ways we cant understand? Where we can only react, emotionally, to its messages? Definitely. The way that surveillance through technology is so pervasive, the collection and use of our data is so much more sophisticated. Its totally covert. And people dont realise what is going on.

Public mood and politics goes through cycles. You dont have to subscribe to any conspiracy theory, Briant says, to see that a mass change in public sentiment is happening. Or that some of the tools in action are straight out of the militarys or SCLs playbook.

But then theres increasing evidence that our public arenas the social media sites where we post our holiday snaps or make comments about the news are a new battlefield where international geopolitics is playing out in real time. Its a new age of propaganda. But whose? This week, Russia announced the formation of a new branch of the military: information warfare troops.

Sam Woolley of the Oxford Internet Institutes computational propaganda institute tells me that one third of all traffic on Twitter before the EU referendum was automated bots accounts that are programmed to look like people, to act like people, and to change the conversation, to make topics trend. And they were all for Leave. Before the US election, they were five-to-one in favour of Trump many of them Russian. Last week they have been in action in the Stoke byelection Russian bots, organised by who? attacking Paul Nuttall.

Politics is war, said Steve Bannon last year in the Wall Street Journal. And increasingly this looks to be true.

Theres nothing accidental about Trumps behaviour, Andy Wigmore tells me. That press conference. It was absolutely brilliant. I could see exactly what he was doing. Theres feedback going on constantly. Thats what you can do with artificial intelligence. You can measure ever reaction to every word. He has a word room, where you fix key words. We did it. So with immigration, there are actually key words within that subject matter which people are concerned about. So when you are going to make a speech, its all about how can you use these trending words.

Wigmore met with Trumps team right at the start of the Leave campaign. And they said the holy grail was artificial intelligence.

Who did?

Jared Kushner and Jason Miller.

Later, when Trump picked up Mercer and Cambridge Analytica, the game changed again. Its all about the emotions. This is the big difference with what we did. They call it bio-psycho-social profiling. It takes your physical, mental and lifestyle attributes and works out how people work, how they react emotionally.

Bio-psycho-social profiling, I read later, is one offensive in what is called cognitive warfare. Though there are many others: recoding the mass consciousness to turn patriotism into collaborationism, explains a Nato briefing document on countering Russian disinformation written by an SCL employee. Time-sensitive professional use of media to propagate narratives, says one US state department white paper. Of particular importance to psyop personnel may be publicly and commercially available data from social media platforms.

Yet another details the power of a cognitive casualty a moral shock that has a disabling effect on empathy and higher processes such as moral reasoning and critical thinking. Something like immigration, perhaps. Or fake news. Or as it has now become: FAKE news!!!!

How do you change the way a nation thinks? You could start by creating a mainstream media to replace the existing one with a site such as Breitbart. You could set up other websites that displace mainstream sources of news and information with your own definitions of concepts like liberal media bias, like CNSnews.com. And you could give the rump mainstream media, papers like the failing New York Times! what it wants: stories. Because the third prong of Mercer and Bannons media empire is the Government Accountability Institute.

Bannon co-founded it with $2m of Mercers money. Mercers daughter, Rebekah, was appointed to the board. Then they invested in expensive, long-term investigative journalism. The modern economics of the newsroom dont support big investigative reporting staffs, Bannon told Forbes magazine. You wouldnt get a Watergate, a Pentagon Papers today, because nobody can afford to let a reporter spend seven months on a story. We can. Were working as a support function.

Welcome to the future of journalism in the age of platform capitalism. News organisations have to do a better job of creating new financial models. But in the gaps in between, a determined plutocrat and a brilliant media strategist can, and have, found a way to mould journalism to their own ends.

In 2015, Steve Bannon described to Forbes how the GAI operated, employing a data scientist to trawl the dark web (in the article he boasts of having access to $1.3bn worth of supercomputers) to dig up the kind of source material Google cant find. One result has been a New York Times bestseller, Clinton Cash: The Untold Story of How and Why Foreign Governments and Businesses Helped Make Bill and Hillary Rich, written by GAIs president, Peter Schweizer and later turned into a film produced by Rebekah Mercer and Steve Bannon.

This, Bannon explained, is how you weaponise the narrative you want. With hard researched facts. With those, you can launch it straight on to the front page of the New York Times, as the story of Hillary Clintons cash did. Like Hillarys emails it turned the news agenda, and, most crucially, it diverted the attention of the news cycle. Another classic psyops approach. Strategic drowning of other messages.

This is a strategic, long-term and really quite brilliant play. In the 1990s, Bannon explained, conservative media couldnt take Bill Clinton down becausethey wound up talking to themselves in an echo chamber.

As, it turns out, the liberal media is now. We are scattered, separate, squabbling among ourselves and being picked off like targets in a shooting gallery. Increasingly, theres a sense that we are talking to ourselves. And whether its Mercers millions or other factors, Jonathan Albrights map of the news and information ecosystem shows how rightwing sites are dominating sites like YouTube and Google, bound tightly together by millions of links.

Is there a central intelligence to that, I ask Albright? There has to be. There has to be some type of coordination. You can see from looking at the map, from the architecture of the system, that this is not accidental. Its clearly being led by money and politics.

Theres been a lot of talk in the echo chamber about Bannon in the last few months, but its Mercer who provided the money to remake parts of the media landscape. And while Bannon understands the media, Mercer understands big data. He understands the structure of the internet. He knows how algorithms work.

Robert Mercer did not respond to a request for comment for this piece. NickPatterson, a British cryptographer, who worked at Renaissance Technologies in the 80s and is now a computational geneticist at MIT, described to me how he was the one who talent-spotted Mercer. There was an elite group working at IBM in the 1980s doing speech research, speech recognition, and when I joined Renaissance I judged that the mathematics we were trying to apply to financial markets were very similar.

Bannon scorns media in rare public appearance at CPAC

He describes Mercer as very, very conservative. He truly did not like the Clintons. He thought Bill Clinton was a criminal. And his basic politics, I think, was that hes a rightwing libertarian, he wants the government out of things.

He suspects that Mercer is bringing the brilliant computational skills he brought to finance to bear on another very different sphere. We make mathematical models of the financial markets which are probability models, and from those we try and make predictions. What I suspect Cambridge Analytica do is that they build probability models of how people vote. And then they look at what they can do to influence that.

Finding the edge is what quants do. They build quantitative models that automate the process of buying and selling shares and then they chase tiny gaps in knowledge to create huge wins. Renaissance Technologies was one of the first hedge funds to invest in AI. But what it does with it, how its been programmed to do it, is completely unknown. It is, Bloomberg reports, the blackest box in finance.

Johan Bollen, associate professor at Indiana University School of Informatics and Computing, tells me how he discovered one possible edge: hes done research that shows you can predict stock market moves from Twitter. You can measure public sentiment and then model it. Society is driven by emotions, which its always been difficult to measure, collectively. But there are now programmes that can read text and measure it and give us a window into those collective emotions.

The research caused a huge ripple among two different constituencies. We had a lot attention from hedge funds. They are looking for signals everywhere and this is a hugely interesting signal. My impression is hedge funds do have these algorithms that are scanning social feeds. The flash crashes weve had sudden huge drops in stock prices indicates these algorithms are being used at large scale. And they are engaged in something of an arms race.

The other people interested in Bollens work are those who want not only to measure public sentiment, but to change it. Bollens research shows how its possible. Could you reverse engineer the national, or even the global, mood? Model it, and then change it?

It does seem possible. And it does worry me. There are quite a few pieces of research that show if you repeat something often enough, people start involuntarily to believe it. And that could be leveraged, or weaponised for propaganda. We know there are thousands of automated bots out there that are trying to do just that.

THE war of the bots is one of the wilder and weirder aspects of the elections of 2016. At the Oxford Internet Institutes Unit for Computational Propaganda, its director, Phil Howard, and director of research, Sam Woolley, show me all the ways public opinion can be massaged and manipulated. But is there a smoking gun, I ask them, evidence of who is doing this? Theres not a smoking gun, says Howard. There are smoking machine guns. There are multiple pieces of evidence.

Look at this, he says and shows me how, before the US election, hundreds upon hundreds of websites were set up to blast out just a few links, articles that were all pro-Trump. This is being done by people who understand information structure, who are bulk buying domain names and then using automation to blast out a certain message. To make Trump look like hes a consensus.

And that requires money?

That requires organisation and money. And if you use enough of them, of bots and people, and cleverly link them together, you are whats legitimate. You are creating truth.

You can take an existing trending topic, such as fake news, and then weaponise it. You can turn it against the very media that uncovered it. Viewed in a certain light, fake news is a suicide bomb at the heart of our information system. Strapped to the live body of us the mainstream media.

One of the things that concerns Howard most is the hundreds of thousands of sleeper bots theyve found. Twitter accounts that have tweeted only once or twice and are now sitting quietly waiting for a trigger: some sort of crisis where they will rise up and come together to drown out all other sources of information.

Like zombies?

Like zombies.

Many of the techniques were refined in Russia, he says, and then exported everywhere else. You have these incredible propaganda tools developed in an authoritarian regime moving into a free market economy with a complete regulatory vacuum. What you get is a firestorm.

This is the world we enter every day, on our laptops and our smartphones. It has become a battleground where the ambitions of nation states and ideologues are being fought using us. We are the bounty: our social media feeds; our conversations; our hearts and minds. Our votes. Bots influence trending topics and trending topics have a powerful effect on algorithms, Woolley, explains, on Twitter, on Google, on Facebook. Know how to manipulate information structure and you can manipulate reality.

Were not quite in the alternative reality where the actual news has become FAKE news!!! But were almost there. Out on Twitter, the new transnational battleground for the future, someone I follow tweets a quote by Marshall McLuhan, the great information theorist of the 60s. World War III will be a guerrilla information war, it says. With no divisions between military and civilian participation.

By that definition were already there.

Additional reporting by Paul-Olivier Dehaye

Carole Cadwalladr will be hosting a discussion on technologys disruption of democracy at the bluedot festival, Jodrell Bank, Cheshire, 7-9 July