#but yeah basically i understand why people may be hesitant to tag that sort of thing in 5sos fic lol

[igarbagecannoteven]

hi!! just read your cake at the craft store fic and thought I'd introduce myself on here :) you're a talented writer and seem like a lovely person!

oh my gosh thank you so much! that's so sweet of you 🥰i'm so glad you enjoyed my work! (and thank you so much for the lovely comment on ao3!) also love your handles on both ao3 and here, i'm a big fan of herons myself 😊

[seyenna]

Philza and/or Techno and/or Ranboo fic recs

just some of my fav dsmp fics, mainly phil, techno or ranboo bc i’m biased but also a bunch of sbi and others

this one goes out mainly to zablr discord my beloved

pls tell me if the links don’t work

all of these are on ao3

rating\status(complete/ongoing)\warnings\word count\misc tags

ichor flows free amongst the iron by summer_rising

T\o\violence\13k\series\gods AU

Summary:

A gods and goddesses AU of the Dream SMP, dramatized for all our benefits.

First work:

  "Two gods meeting on a mountaintop overlooking the stormy sea? Very classy, Dream, I appreciate your taste."

  Dream didn't turn to look at him, but the faint shake of his shoulders let Techno know he had heard.

  "Scar's healing up nicely, I see," Techno mumbled with a light nod of his head.

  "Mhm. Cut nice and clean. Not that I expected any less from you, of course."

   ~~

   The god of power and the god of luck meet on a mountaintop to discuss Luck's standing in the ongoing political disaster.

We're Only Young by ImperialKatwala

G\o\-\66k\series\Dream & Technoblade

It's easy to forget amid the chaos and bloodshed how similar - and how young - Dream and Technoblade really are.

And when the sun comes up, you'll find a brand new god. by SkyboxZoo

M\o\violence\19k\gods AU

Summary:

The wounds from the fight had healed nigh instantly, but the golden blood still soaked Techno’s shirt. His cloak had gotten torn off and his hair had fallen out of its pony-tail. Ichor pooled in his boots. The man left a trail of golden, bloody footprints in his wake.

old gods (new gods) by WriterWinged

T\o\-\9k\series\gods AU

Summary of first work:

Survival, Blood, Madness. Philza, Technoblade, Wilbur Soot. Three gods who have never cared for mortal life, who play with them when they want to, who kill their toys just as easily. How, then, did a mortal end up in their hands?

This House Is A Fucking Nightmare by SilverWing15

T\c\-\17k\series\sbi

Summary:

AU Where Phil isn't quite as willing to stand by while his sons drop like flies

Summary of third part (my fav):

Does lingering too long in the shadow of a god make you a god? The voices in his head seem to think so.

His brothers know he's older than them but they don't know how much

OR: Technoblade doesn't think his brothers realize how different they are from ordinary men. After all, ordinary men may fight the gods, but they don't win.

It's been a long day. by BecausePlot

G\c\-\3k\Philza & Ranboo

Summary:

Sides are bad: he knows that much. He’s seen it tear people apart time and time again, so when he decided to separate himself from Tubbo and keep his distance, he knew he was in the right.

Well. He thought he was in the right, at the time. Sitting all by himself on the steps to the Prime Path, he’s not so sure anymore.

Yes, the sides might have torn the others apart, might have made them so weak that they have no choice but to fold under Dream’s hand, but at least they aren’t lonely.

So are sides bad?

‘I don’t know.’

~*~

Or, Ranboo looks out at the ruins of L'Manburg, feeling more lost and lonely than he ever has.

But, as he soon finds, he's not as alone as he thinks.

the voices in my head, they say a lot of things by rosyasteria

-\c\violence\1k\Technoblade-centric

Summary:

Some days the voices didn’t listen. They didn’t let up. They screamed instead of whispered, relentless, assaulting his ears until they bled.

tell them i was the warmest place you knew and you turned me cold by rosyasteria

-\c\-\2k\Techonblade-centric

Summary:        

Technoblade cared. But in the end it just fucked him over.

For the majority of his life, Techno felt like less of a companion, less of a family member, and more like a weapon to be wielded. 'The Blade' they called him; never 'friend'.

It Leaves Little Time for Anything Else by mirandible

M\c\-\1k\part of series\Dream & Technoblade

Summary:

   A young man aims for the top, but fate has other plans for him. So does Technoblade, apparently.

   (Or: answering the question of “Why does Techno hide his scars if they’re supposed to be some sort of trophy? Why keep your point of pride a secret?”)

the best requiem is a bar of silence (and I'll sing it, even if I must hold back my tears) by jello12451

T\o\-\10k\Philza & Technoblade

Summary:

   He can’t help the noise of celebration that escapes him. Techno- this means that Techno’s free, and he got his horse back, and everything is alright-

  Tubbo, filled with rage at Phil’s cheers, turns and impulsively shoots an arrow.

   He doesn’t expect to hit his target.

---

  Alternatively: What if Phil didn't have a bucket of water when Tubbo shot him?

Change fate by being aggressively kind by sircantus

T\o\-\13k\sbi, Philza-centric

Summary:

   “You do understand that you’re caring for the thing meant to bring destruction and chaos to our world, right?” The woman asks, Phil looking behind him fondly as Techno grabs at the ends of his wings.

   “He’s just a child.” Phil answers distractedly, humming as his wings get gently yanked at.

   “He’s the first of three to destroy life as we know it! Shouldn’t we, well, get rid of him?!”

   “Oh, no.” Phil raises his eyes with a sharp glare. “Believe me, I have my own way of preventing the apocalypse.”

   ---

   Or, Techno, Wilbur, and Tommy are basically chaotic forces of nature, destined from birth to end the world and bring destruction. Most who hear of the tale of them are trying their best to track them down, and to end the monsters while they’re still young, still just children.

   Phil has a different plan.

   (In which Phil raises the minecraft equivalents of the anti-christ with love and support, so much so to the point where the world ending is really just a funny thought, and Phil has three kids who casually have powers that are bit more extreme than anything else in the world)

I promised you that everything would be fine by findingkairos

G\c\-\6k\Technoblade-centric

Summary:

   manifestation: (n.)

1.     an event, action, or object that clearly shows or embodies something abstract or theoretical;

2.     a version or incarnation of something or someone;

3.     an appearance of a ghost or spirit;

4.     the Blood God.

When he's young and still alone, still establishing his reputation as the immortal warrior, Technoblade makes up an imaginary friend.

Years later, the blood god is very real and very much a god: one that is prepared to do anything for their first and only friend.

the inner mechanism of a black box by Bee_4

T\c\violence, self-harm\Technoblade-centric

Summary:

   Technoblade lets himself get imprisoned for Philza’s sake. He doesn’t plan on being there long. Unfortunately, he’s underestimated Pandora’s Vault.

   There are things that will make even the Blade fall apart in due time, as it turns out.

carry all my sins by BananasofThorns

T\c\-\4k\Ranboo-centric

Summary:

Ranboo swallows. “All my armor and weapons and stuff are missing. Fundy and I were gonna go looking for them after the festival, I think.”

“I see.” Tubbo smiles again, but this time it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Well, I’m sure it’ll be fine, it’s just a festival. We could probably find someone to lend you a sword or an axe or something.”

He starts towards the stage, waving at people when they call his name, and Ranboo follows. The original panic has dulled to a cold buzz in his chest, but apprehension still wraps itself around his body like chains. He doesn’t like being without his armor and tools; he feels too exposed, and if something happens, he’ll be helpless.

“Ranboo?” Tubbo calls, glancing back.

Ranboo shakes his head and hurries to catch up. “Yeah, it’ll be fine,” he repeats. “Everything’s gonna be fine."

Tubbo grins. “That’s the spirit.”

Rule 5: be loyal. L'manberg doesn't do well with supposed traitors. Ranboo deals with the consequences.

Sojourn by Lacy_Star

T\o\-\13k\Ranboo & Technoblade & Philza

Summary:

“Well…” Ranboo started slowly, “You see, uh… I kinda… don’t have a house anymore, obviously. Um… Phil found me in—“ He paused, cutting himself off and squinting at the floorboards— very discreet, “Phil… found me. And… um… He said I could stay by you guys. Like, um, by the dog house he wants to build?” He paused, then began to ramble, “But, uh, if you don’t want me here, I understand— and I’m sorry for coming in your house when you weren’t here, I swear I didn’t touch anything— it was just cold outside and—“

Techno just stared at him. And how, how was this the second time this had happened to him? How was this the second time he returned home after battle to discover an injured teenage boy waiting for him, seeking assistance with nowhere to go? And how badly had that ended last time, in nothing but betrayal and insults?

---

AKA: Phil drags a half-enderman home after Doomsday, and Techno decides that they can keep it. For now.

can an axe count as rent? by aboutfivebees

T\c\-\4k\Ranboo & Technoblade & Philza

Summary:

Ranboo’s struggling to settle into his new life on the Arctic Anarchist Commune, but at least he’s got bread.

or the struggles of an enderman hybrid to come up with a housewarming gift to give to his friends, who are just trying to adopt him

The Caged Bird Sings of Freedom by StarPrince_Punk

T\o\-\25k\Ranboo & Technoblade & Philza

Summary:

The Blade's stance was still tense, his body prepared to fight at a moment’s notice if need be. “What’s your name?” Phil asked “My… name?” The Blade asked. “Yeah. Your name isn’t actually The Blade, right? That’s like a stage name?” Phil tried to keep his tone light. “What’s your real name?” The Blade hesitated. “No one… No one’s called me by my name in a long time.” ------- When Phil comes across Ranboo in his panic room after L'Manberg's destruction, it reminds him of when he first met Technoblade. And just like when he met Techno, Phil's first instinct is that he has to help this kid. While living together, Techno and Ranboo learn that they're much more similar than they had previously thought, and Phil learns that it's not too late for him to be a better dad.

This already feels like more of a home by H3118ENDER

T\o\violence, death\18k\Ranboo & Technoblade & Philza

Summary:

As the ashes of L'Manberg settle the conflict continues to come to life setting the stage for a new wave of blood shed. Stuck slam in the middle of past and present friends Ranboo is coming to learn that even without nations to their names feelings and feuds don't die but people, people do.

A Shadow of a Shadow by unappetizingegg

T\c\-\4k\ Ranboo & Technoblade & Philza

Summary:

There were a few beats of silence, and then- “What are your plans, now? Do you need a place to stay?”

That caught him off guard. Surely he’d heard incorrectly. Phil was offering him a home, right after he’d orchestrated the destruction of his past one? It didn’t make any sense, none of it did. Why would Phil say that?

Then he remembered, he remembered Techno stopping him in the fight. He remembered being handed his book, the question in Techno’s gaze. He swore, in that moment, Technoblade, the Technoblade, had been worried about him. He remembered that he had been told to leave, to run, to get away and preserve himself. He had spared him, he remembered that Techno had spared him.

Techno had helped him. Phil had tried to protect him, to get him away from the danger.

They were there for him.

 ---

alternatively:

Ranboo is alone. But he really isn't.

Meritocracy by oddsbodkins

G\o\-\18k\Dream & Technoblade, sbi, medieval AU

Summary:

Dream is more successful than he'd ever imagined - but there's one thing that's been bothering him. Technoblade, his biggest rival, the Acolyte of the Blood God and King of the Arena, went missing last spring, just before Dream got the chance to duel him. Without that one achievement to pave his way, all the following victories have felt cheap.

So, Dream hired some goons to dig Technoblade up and pester him into coming back to the Capitol, for one last showdown. Easy enough, right?

Interlude I: "Promises to Keep" by Ozzyyy

T\c\-\1k\part of a series\Technoblade & Philza

Summary:

These woods are lovely, dark, and deep But I have promises to keep

And miles to go before I sleep And miles to go before I sleep.

--

Techno has a plan. It's crazy. It's insane, it's actually just batshit bonkers. But if chaos cannot be enjoyed together, then what's it worth, yeah? There's a certain beauty in watching the world burn from the center of the flames. Phil intends to be there.

I Don't Want To Start A Fight (wouldn't you rather start a riot?) by KryOnBlock

T\c\violence, death\15k\Technoblade & Philza & Ranboo

Summary:

An universal ping rang out from behind him, the third and final he knew, and Phil sobbed, clutching the body tighter.

Techno didn’t move.

It always has been Technoblade and Philza, Philza and Technoblade. Take on half, and you shall never go back.

Sheltered by Lulatic

G\c\-\6k\Ranboo & Technoblade

Summary:

It was cold outside. But Techno never heard Ranboo complain.

That was the best excuse he could muster to keep him out.

Antarctic Princes 'verse by BirchWrites

T\o\-\15k\series\sbi

Summary:

Loosely-connected one shots set in an AU where the Antarctic Empire and the Dream SMP are in the same world. Ordered chronologically, but each fic can be read as a standalone thing

Summary of first part:

Oh shit. Forget arrested; Dream’s going to have to tell Wilbur that he watched Tommy get stabbed for being terminally stupid.

May we cross paths again by QueenLunaFreed

G\c\-\1k\Dream & Technoblade

Summary:

“Even if tomorrow it’s just us versus the entire server, Dream, I’m telling you right now - I have confidence.”

---

Dream couldn’t comprehend the pacing contradiction in front of him, the weakness he could clearly see, but would never comment on. Because this man has been defying Dream's expectations since they first met, because despite them not being friends and having no reason to trust each other, Dream knew that Technoblade is the only person who he’d trust to do this right. To destroy L'Manberg alongside him yet again, this time for real.

leave me your starlight by findingkairos

T\o\-\18k\Technoblade & Philza

Summary:

For you the world, Phil.

Once upon a time, Philza Minecraft is the only person who does not shy away from the bloody teen that regularly turns the tide of war.

This cements a friendship that will last wars, empires, worlds, and lifetimes.

 ---

(Featuring: Back to Back Badasses, healthy relationships, accidental deification, intentional world domination, and Phil's past coming back to haunt his best friend.)

[hongism]

mists of celeste ➻ 37.5

➻ characters: yeosang, wooyoung, yunho ➻ genre: space au, pirate au, space pirate!ateez, angst ➻ word count: 3.6k ➻ rating: M ➻ warnings: language, violence, guns and weaponry, blood, future warnings tba chapter specific warnings: past abuse and dubious consent are discussed - no graphic depictions of any of the above, depictions of piercings and needles. this interim deals with heavy topics relating to a whorehouse and it is not required to read this interim to understand the rest of the story. it is an optional chapter as all interims are, so please skip over this one if you are not comfortable with the warnings tagged ➻ summary: Sneaking aboard the ship of a renowned space pirate may not have been the best idea, but you’ll have to make do with what fate has handed to you

⇐ previous | next ⇒ | masterlist

✧✧✧ act five ➻ part 4.5

​​​​

“I’d like you to give me more piercings.”

“I—” 

The blunt statement catches Yunho a bit off-guard, moreso than he would like to admit, and as much as he tries to hide that shock, it still slips through nonetheless. He blinks back at Wooyoung with some wonder in his eyes, enough to make the other man tilt his head in question. Yeosang stands beside him as well though the Elitist’s eyes remain unfocused and noncommittal. It’s been quite some time since Yunho gave Wooyoung any piercings — god, how long has it been? Two years? Maybe three? Surely that can’t be right… — and the doctor is absolutely no stranger to the reasons why Wooyoung would be asking for such a thing now. However, because he tries to be a good and fair doctor, Yunho never goes through with the piercings unless he and Wooyoung have talked things through. 

And by that, he means therapy, basically. Checking in on where Wooyoung is at mentally and emotionally before doing anything drastic. Yet that also brings more challenges than anything else because out of everyone Yunho has ever treated in his years being a doctor, Wooyoung is by far the more difficult. He doesn’t like talking about himself, his experiences, his feelings; he despises the thought of sharing intimate and vulnerable parts of himself outside of Yeosang, but according to the Elitist, it’s near impossible to get Wooyoung to speak even when it’s just the two of them together. 

Yunho would call it a phenomenon of trauma but frankly, it makes a perfect amount of sense.

Given what Wooyoung has been through and experienced — between being a slave and suffering at the hands of not one but two cruel masters — Yunho truly cannot blame the young man for being so hesitant to talk about his feelings. But, as he said, he knows vaguely how Wooyoung must be feeling if he is coming to Yunho for more piercings now.

“You hardly have any room left on those ears for more piercings, Woo,” Yunho comments through a slightly strained smile. Wooyoung opts to simply wave a hand through the air in response. Yeosang glares at the floor. “Take a seat.”

There is a large amount of struggle in this for Yunho. On one hand, he wants to be firm, stand his ground, and say absolutely not until Wooyoung opens up a little. On the other side of things, Yunho understands that this is what Wooyoung needs to cope with whatever trauma he experienced while being held captive. Yunho doesn’t know all the details, of course, he merely knows that Wooyoung was held in a cell on a ship with San and Mingi for several days before being sold to a whorehouse in Lynder. Then he stayed a few days in that whorehouse. He no doubt had to work against his will, no doubt gave in and didn’t fight what he was told to do even though he didn’t want it, and it no doubt brought back horrid memories from his time as a slave. Yunho isn’t stupid. Such a thing would be taxing for anyone.

The other thing Yunho is grossly over aware of is the fact that pain, to Wooyoung, is nothing. He still has a hard time wrapping his brain around that. Wooyoung… feels pain to a certain degree like any other person would but he has conditioned himself into not feeling it the way others might. The slice of a knife against his arm would be nothing but a pinch of a needle on his skin and wouldn’t bother him one bit; all it is to him is a small pinprick. He asks people to go harder on him when sparring. He punches closed fists against his thighs when he’s upset. He enjoys getting piercings after going through something that would otherwise be traumatic for others. Because it doesn’t hurt. Yunho recalls asking once about it because at the time he didn’t understand that either.

“Why do you ask for piercings as though you want to be hurt? If you don’t really feel that pain? What do you gain from it in that case?”

“Because it’s a pain that I get to choose. All my life I’ve been subjected to pains that are not my own doing or that I didn’t ask for. But in asking for a piercing and choosing where it will go and when it will happen… I get to choose that pain. Getting to have that after suffering pains I didn’t want feels liberating in a way. I enjoy it, as bad as that sounds. It helps me cope with what I’ve been through. Like, for every pain they force on me, I choose a new piercing. Eye for an eye but… on myself, I suppose?”

“Where would you like them?” Yunho inquires, shifting over to shuffle through his cabinets in search of his needles and barbells. “Just one or are we doing more than that?”

“Two this time, I think,” Wooyoung hums as he sits down on the edge of the first bed in his vicinity. Yeosang falls down on the bed next to him without a noise, still staying silent even though Yunho can clearly see how much this bothers him. Which part of it bothers him exactly is a mystery to Yunho because it could be any combination of things. The doctor wants to ask Yeosang if he’s okay with this but that would be a tragic mistake on his part so he bites his tongue instead. It would seem too much like giving Yeosang all the power in Wooyoung’s decisions, and doing such a thing to a former slave would only be detrimental to long-term progress. Besides, he doesn’t need the verbal confirmation when he can clearly see how much Yeosang does not want Wooyoung to do this.

Yunho’s hand hesitates over his growing collection of piercing rods, and he glances back at Wooyoung once more.

“Where are you wanting them?”

“Nipples!” The combination of Wooyoung’s blatant enthusiasm as well as Yeosang’s far too deadpan expression sends Yunho reeling, and he chokes around nothing but air before truly processing Wooyoung’s request. 

“A-Ah, I see, of course. One moment,” Yunho murmurs, blinking down at his collection with a bit of bewilderment before picking out what he thinks to be the right size barbells. He’s not unfamiliar with these sorts of piercings — ones on the body that is — and he has found himself well acquainted with certain body parts of the crew to a point where he is no longer uncomfortable with doing things like this for them. Wooyoung is one of the few (the others being Yeosang, Seonghwa, and Y/N) who Yunho is not well acquainted with in that way, however, so this does come as a bit of a surprise. “Your shirt… would you mind taking it off?” Wooyoung strips himself of his top in the next second, and Yunho watches the way the fabric catches on his metal collar before springing loose. Then his eyes settle on the expanse of freshly exposed skin. It elicits a sharp gasp from Yeosang as well, one that Yunho matches in intensity because… well. Yeah. Yunho isn’t sure how to phrase what comes to his mind then. 

“Wooyoung,” Yeosang exhales as he balls his fists around the sheets. Wooyoung stares forward at Yunho with a certain expectancy, like he’s challenging the doctor to not breathe a word about the sight before him, but Yunho would rather lose that challenge right now.

There are… bruises against Wooyoung’s waist. Vaguely shaped like large, manly hands that press the outlines of fingers into his tanned skin. They wrap about the young man’s lithe waist and leave little to the imagination about what sort of scenario and position Wooyoung must have been in when receiving such bruises. The sweeping sensation in Yunho’s gut is so strong that it nearly makes him sick on the spot. Yeosang just looks angry at this point, and Yunho cannot blame him all too much for that. With a sigh, the doctor sinks onto his stool and presses closer to the bed until his knees bump against Wooyoung’s. 

“Wooyoung, we need to talk about… this.” Yunho motions to the other’s torso, unable to peel his gaze off the ugly marks. 

“What is there to talk about?” Wooyoung sounds almost genuine when asking the question. “We all know the nature of working in a whorehouse. There’s nothing to discuss.”

“That’s not — you didn’t — Wooyoung.” Yunho may or may not be bordering on desperation when he exhales this time. He has dealt with a lot of different scenarios and situations as a doctor, but something of this degree is far out of his wheelhouse. 

“I asked them to be rough,” Wooyoung admits through a whisper so quiet that Yunho at first thinks he misheard what the man said.

“W-What was that?” 

“I said I asked them to be rough.” Wooyoung’s repetition doesn’t make it any easier to hear. Almost worse. Definitely worse. “I told them to rough me up a little, make me hurt some, I asked them to treat me that way.”

Yunho spares a pleading glance in Yeosang’s direction, hoping that the man will have some insight on this part of Wooyoung since that is far from Yunho’s specialty. He doesn’t know… intimate details about Yeosang and Wooyoung’s more physical relationship, but Yeosang would surely be the person to ask for confirmation about this side of the man. Instead of a small nod of approval or some sign that this is normal, all Yunho sees is a horrid scowl.

“You — did you want them to be this rough with you?” Yunho asks, tone falling into a more quiet one now.

“I asked them to make me hurt, Yunho.”

“That wasn’t the question, Wooyoung. Did you want them to do that?”

“I came here to get my fucking nipples pierced, not to be interrogated pointlessly,” Wooyoung snaps back. This time he pushes some venom into his tone but it rolls off Yunho’s shoulders without sticking one bit. “I like pain during sex. I like when Yeosang pushes me around and hits me some even when I’m fully in control. I barely feel it anyways so why should it matter at all? Now are you gonna do this or not because I’m sure I can do it myse—”

Wooyoung moves to push up off the bed and make for the door but Yeosang is quicker to wrap his hand around Wooyoung’s wrist and pull him back without a word.

“Did they do anything you didn’t want?” The Elitist asks through tightly gritted teeth.

The hesitation and silence speak volumes, Yunho is hurdling towards a conclusion he does not want to hear, and he is ready to cry by the time Wooyoung finally opens his mouth and answers the question.

“No, they didn’t. I got lucky. I got fucking lucky, Yeosang. All my clients in those days were fucking kind and only did what I told them they could because the workers knew I was fresh meat. They knew people like me needed to be treated gently for the first few weeks so they only sent clients with good and safe track records to my room. Those clients only ever did what I told them to, only did what I said was okay, didn’t touch me if I said no. I got lucky.” Wooyoung spits the words like he hates himself for speaking them, and Yunho thinks somewhere in the back of his mind that the man was not as lucky as he says he was. He should be relieved, grateful even that he got lucky, but he only sounds enraged. 

“Were there…” Yunho starts but his question dies a bit early on his tongue. He swallows around nothing, pulling a pair of latex gloves off his workstation and working his fingers into them as he mulls over his next words. When the last of the latex snaps around his wrist, he finally speaks again. “Were there ones who weren’t lucky?”

“Every fucking night after my clients left, I got to listen to the prostitute next door sob alone in a room with no one to help him. And the very first night I tried to talk to him through the fucking wall and ask him if he was okay and if he was hurt, and he told me I was lucky to be fresh meat. That they would listen to me because I was new and still had some hope left in my eyes. While he didn’t get that chance, he didn’t get to dictate what he wanted or didn’t want because people just took it from him for so long that he lost the will to ask. So yeah, there were ones who didn’t get lucky. There always are.”

Yunho opens his mouth but closes it just as quick, expression a cross between blank and just flat out dumb because he doesn’t know what to say if there even is something to say.

“That’s not your fault, Wooyoung,” Yeosang says instead, but his grip on the other’s wrist releases. “What happened to him is not your fault.”

“What was it that your mother said when you picked me out of a line of slaves? That I was lucky to be picked? But why did I get to be lucky while others suffered? Why did I get to choose not to be hurt or in pain while that prostitute was stripped of that choice? We were all whores for sale in that place so what did I do to deserve being treated better than him? What did he do to deserve being treated worse?”

“Woo…” Somehow the Elitist manages to sound genuinely saddened by the words. 

“The very least I could do was ask to be treated the same as him, was it not? But I couldn’t even have the courage to ask for that? The only thing I could do was ask them to hurt me even though I knew it wouldn’t really hurt. How lucky I was, right? If I’m not hurt, then it doesn’t matter who else gets hurt in the process, does it?”

“Wooyoung.” The edge in Yeosang’s tone pushes forward, bordering on threatening, but Wooyoung is hellbent on speaking his mind right now and any threat from Yeosang won’t stop him. Yunho has the thought to intervene and stop them but he knows — he knows how badly Wooyoung needs this right now. If this will help him cope with what he had to go through then Yunho is in no place to stop him. 

If this is what he needs to make Yeosang cope with it too, then Yunho again is in no place to stop him.

“How does it feel, Yeosang? Knowing that the only reason I was hurt in there is because I asked for it? Do you still think we got lucky?”

“Don’t ask me questions you don’t want the answers to.”

“No, because if it had been you in there, things would have been different. Because you — you are lucky, Yeosang. You always have been and you always will be. Yet no matter how many times I tell you that, you still refuse it. You—” Wooyoung stabs his index finger hard against Yeosang’s chest, voice coming out a bit choked and wet now “—could have sat there for weeks and listened to that boy next door cry and sob without an ounce of sympathy. Because that’s what an Elitist would do. That what you were raised to do, that’s in your blood, how your brain works. But it’s not how mine works. So you don’t get to sit there and tell me that I made the wrong decision.” 

Perhaps Yunho is too used to conflict and gross distortions of communication because when Yeosang stands down rather than fighting back against Wooyoung’s words, he’s overwhelmed. Simply put, he is overwhelmed. He doesn’t know how else to describe the swell of emotions in his chest. But Yeosang just lets his shoulders sag and his face falls flat once more, anger ebbing out of his expression like Wooyoung has a tight grip of control over him. Yeosang isn’t a person to stand down so easily; he’s stubborn, has a short fuse and even shorter patience that causes issues more often than not, and he hates when things don’t go his way. Yunho merely assumed the same would apply to his relationship with Wooyoung. 

It doesn’t, as it seems. 

“Then what would you have me do, Wooyoung? Let you bend until you break without batting an eye? Watch as you blame yourself for something that happened to a person you didn’t even know? Who had been there well before you? Letting you torture yourself for things that are out of your control is not logical or fair; I don’t need to be an Elitist to realize that.”

“You can be as upset as you want, I don’t mind if you’re upset, that’s not what this is about!” Wooyoung argues back, voice climbing in volume a bit. Yunho takes it upon himself to lean away from the bed a bit, and he does his best to make himself seem as insignificant as possible while prepping his clamps and needles. “It doesn’t matter if it was my fault or not. What matters is that he suffered while I did not. And even asking to be hit and pushed around and bruised wasn’t enough because I was still asking for it. I’m… I’m not saying that I wanted my choice taken away — I would never ever ask for that or want that in any capacity. That’s the worst possible thing that could ever happen to a person. No one deserves that. No one. It just didn’t feel fair enough even though it was all I could do to make it feel fair. So yeah, I got fucking lucky, I guess. But he didn’t do anything to deserve to be unlucky.”

“I’m not saying that he did, Woo,” Yeosang whispers to the space between them. “I’m certain that he was a good person who got a bad hand in life, and I’m sure he deserved much better than what he was given. You always ask me to consider your thoughts and feelings on matters. You tell me that it’s because I’m an Elitist that I can’t understand you. You say I just have to accept things and move on, but you don’t — I’m not some emotionless husk, Wooyoung. Being an Elitist doesn’t make me not feel anything. Just because I think with logic more than emotion doesn’t mean that I can’t have emotions. For every fucking night you were gone from my side, I suffered too. It felt like I was losing you to the fate you wanted to fight together, and there was nothing I could do except wait. I was lucky too. Lucky that I didn’t have to wait longer or fight harder to get you back. Lucky that we got you on the first try. Lucky to have you even sitting before me now. It’s not… the reason I keep saying that we got lucky isn’t because I think everyone else in that whorehouse deserves the fate they were given. It’s because we had the chance to fight what fate gave us and took it.”

Yeosang manages a shaky exhale. He blinks down at his hands without saying anything for several moments, but doesn’t look back up at Wooyoung even when he decides to talk again.

“For the first time in over fourteen years, I didn’t get to be your shield. I wasn’t at your side. It wasn’t as simple as coming home from a mission and having you by my side, in my bed, or being in your arms. None of that was even an option because it wasn’t a mission and there was no guarantee of if you would ever come back. I have dedicated my whole life to protecting you because I promised to never let you be hurt again. So you want the answer to that question? How does it feel knowing that the only reason you were hurt in there was because you asked for it? It feels like you’re fucking spitting in my face, Wooyoung, and taunting me for my failures because I wasn’t there to stop you.”

That causes Wooyoung to backtrack in an instant. Realization sinks through his skin, and Yunho doesn’t doubt that it hurts more than any pain that he could inflict on himself. Because that’s the thing about love — it can simultaneously bring you the greatest joys in life as well as the deepest ruin.

And right now?

Yunho can clearly see the ruin in Wooyoung’s features as much as he tries to contain the emotions. Yeosang doesn’t stop there, and it’s with a small shake of his head that he lifts his chin to look Wooyoung in the eye again.

“I’m not blaming you, Wooyoung. I know the kind of person you are, I know how deeply and strongly you feel, especially towards injustices and unfairness like what that boy experienced in there. I know you did what you thought you had to, and I’m not blaming you for making those decisions. But do not ask me to love you even a fragment less than I do now. I knew a boy who was in that very same position once too. Who didn’t have a choice, who couldn’t make any decisions for himself, who didn’t get to choose his pain. I knew a boy who sat on the other side of a metal divider in a bed too small for his body and cried because of how unfair life was to him. And I promised that boy I would get him out and save him and keep him safe from harm at any and all costs. I can’t keep that promise if you won’t let me.”

The breath of silence that ensues after Yeosang speaks is thick enough to choke Yunho, and he pauses his movements in the wake of that quiet because it just feels utterly wrong to even move right now. Wooyoung is dangerously still, perhaps more still than Yunho has ever seen him before. Then a tear escapes the corner of his eye and rolls down the ball of his cheek to pool at his jawline before dropping to the bed. It breaks the dam of the frozen atmosphere, and Wooyoung careens forward to smack his fist against Yeosang’s shoulder. 

“You stupid little — how can you say cute shit with that stupid lovesick look on your face? And I’m supposed to be okay? God, I’m gonna suck the soul out of you later for that, you absolute sap. Then ride you until you cry for good mea—” 

“Um, too much information, hello!” Yunho intervenes before Wooyoung can even think about finishing the thought in front of him. “Listen, I’m all for sex but I do not need to hear those kinds of details. Just… practice safe sex and wear protection. That’s all I need to know about your sex lives, please!”

“I’m just trying to show my appreciation here,” Wooyoung argues through a wet sniff, wiping at his nose with the back of his hand.

“Yes, well, save the appreciation for later. I’m still piercing you, am I not?”

“Was that enough talking for you then?” Wooyoung offers a small laugh that sounds more pitiful than anything else, but Yunho isn’t about to call him out on such a thing. 

“You tell me, Wooyoung.” Yunho shrugs a bit and glances over to where Yeosang is sitting, watching the way the Elitist folds a hand over Wooyoung’s without hesitation. “This is about how you’re feeling and where you’re at mentally and emotionally. I’m not the person who gets to determine whether it’s enough or not.”

“No, i-its — I feel… better getting to tell someone that. And getting to reassure you guys that it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Even if I still feel a bit of guilt about it, I know I couldn’t change it even if I tried. But yeah, talking about it — that helped.”

“I’m glad,” Yunho hums through a smile of his own. “I know you’re probably sick of hearing me say it over and over, but my door is always open if you’d like to talk more about it. That goes for both of you.”

“I’ll keep it in mind, Yun, don’t worry! But right now I’d like for you to put that needle through my nipples so I can get on with choking on Yeos—”

“Nope, okay! I’ll put this needle through your tongue to shut you up instead, how about that?”

✧✧✧ a/n: okay so!! i felt like this chapter was kinda necessary? considering what we saw wooyoung go through and i didn’t want to bury what he went through or act like it didn’t happen but bec of the heavy nature of the topics i wanted to make sure that it wasn’t absolutely crucial for anyone to read this and feel like they were missing out. these are serious things, they are important things, and as always i tried my best to represent those things as best i could and as realistically as possible to avoid any romanticizing of these topics so i hope i was able to convey that and the feelings the characters had well. please please please take care i love u all as always be safe and stay healthy !! i’ll see you guys soon with another chapter!

also it’s been a minute but this survey is always open for you guys to take whenever you like!

taglist: @faeriewoobin @sugarrimajins @atinyinwonderland @sparklychangbin @jeong-uwu @jeonartemis @anothershorthuman @xxbluestrifexx @haotheheckk @noonawriter @lostscenarios @nlost21 @mirror-juliet @okokokok123-45 @purple-aeon @theoinkypiglet @toothlessshiber @atinyarmyx1 @simpforhyunjin @hwangwoosan @softyubi @drumboydowoon @chatsgotmytongue @just-a-starfruit @babydolljo @scintillating-souls @khjssss @rawrrainn @hewwo-from-the-other-side @icekdy​ @eggteez​ @bangtanxberm​ @uglychildd​ @lucymultistan​ @revehosh​ @choistan​ @vampyrejimin​

[doreamu-san]

An analysis of SolKy

Hello! Thank you so much for clicking on this. A while ago, I was asked to do an essay explaining why people ship SolKy other than the whole rivals/opposites attract reason, and I got a lot of feedback stating it was useful for newcomers to the ship! As a result I’ve decided to post this on tumblr, but just on the ship’s tag as to not bother uninterested people.

A couple of disclaimers before I begin. This is firstly just my own opinion, so whilst it makes sense for me, other shippers may disagree with my points. I’m also not claiming they are canon because they are not. But I do hope it’ll give some insight into why some people like me enjoy them together.

Even once you’ve read this essay, you can still dislike SolKy. This isn’t an essay stating you have to ship them.

This will be extremely long as I basically cover every single interaction they’ve ever had with each other since I know some people sort of gloss over their dialogue, so grab yourself a drink, get comfy, and I hope you enjoy reading!

(Last edited: 09/05/2021. This will be updated again when Strive releases!)

How this all began

If we’re starting right at the beginning, it’s common knowledge that Ky and Sol weren’t exactly on great terms and often clashed most of the time due to their conflicting beliefs. Ky saw the world in terms of black and white, and had very strict rules on what constituted as right and wrong. Sol seemed to think differently and went against that, which was a stark contrast compared to the other Order members at the time.

Considering that they were in fact, in the middle of a war, you would think that generally people would be willing to put their differences aside and work together.

But Sol wasn’t like everyone else, going off and doing his own thing instead of actually listening to orders, so it’s understandable why Ky found him rather irritating.

However, Ky did grow curious of Sol. Obviously curiosity does not equate to love, but it is the basis of Ky wanting to become more friendly with and know more about Sol. There seemed to be something that Sol knew but Ky didn’t, but how was that possible..? As a result, despite how infuriating he could be, Ky sought to seek out the truth and so fought him for answers.

In regards to why exactly they fight (aside from the fact that this is a fighting game), Ishiwatari wrote something called ‘Hostility is Akin to Love’ right above a picture of them fighting:

Hostility is akin to love Thinking of your opponent’s actions to fight, Reading your opponent’s inner thoughts to fight, Planning attacks that will hit your opponent to fight, And then transmitting your thoughts with those attacks, The more you think of your own advantage, at the same time you think of your opponent, In the instant you mix with your opponent, a passionate feeling arises, and blood boils, Reality is hurt, and you wound your opponent, Hostility is akin to love. — Guilty Gear Isuka Mook

It states how fighting someone can be close to feelings of love because you have to think about what your opponent is doing, as well as how you’re going to respond to your opponent. Overtime, you start to memorise how your opponent thinks, and as a result you’ll know them on a deeper level.

So considering the above, this explains how even though they weren’t on friendly terms, they still formed a bond with one another.

Now we’ve established how exactly their relationship started, and why Ky was curious about Sol in the first place, let’s look at things from Sol’s perspective.

Sol’s attitude towards Ky

We know that Sol was also pretty annoyed by Ky, which was totally justifiable given the extreme way in which Ky thought the world worked. But Sol didn’t exactly dislike Ky.

In order to provide some evidence that Sol cares about Ky, let’s cover that infamous scene everyone likes to reference which shows Sol crying over Ky’s dead body:

Sol:     "I came to pick you up." Ky:      "Always coming late... you never could fix that..." Sol:     "You..." Ky:      "As to be expected... until the very end... I could never beat you..." Sol:     "Don't say anything!" Ky:      "I have... a request..." Sol:     "I said shut up!" Ky:      "After Commander Kliff... carry on... the Holy Order..." Sol:     "Stop it... that's your job!" Ky:      "Please... promise me..." Sol:     "Dammit..." Ky:      "If it's you... you can do..." Sol:     "Hey.... what's wrong. Hey! KYYYYYY!" — Guilty Gear XX Drama CD Side Red, Battle of Rome — Deathmatch

A lot of people bring this quote up when discussing SolKy and yes, it does show Sol cares about Ky considering how Sol never really cares about anyone in general, but the fact that Ky’s death managed to make him emotional shows what an impact Ky had on him. There are however more quotes that show Sol’s feelings.

There’s this scene in the GG Xtra manga, Ky and Sol get attacked by a mountain-sized gear. In order to save them, Sol rips off his limiter and Dragon Installs. This scene is very poignant when you take into consideration what Sol said in After Story A:

Sol:     "Back during the Crusades, before we met... Kliff told me this rumour about a prodigy swordsman." Sol:     "If you couldn't guess, that was you. I didn't give a shit at the time..." Sol:     "But then I saw you on the battlefield." Sol:     "I saw someone out there who surpassed all of my expectations. Or perhaps I should say 'something.'" Sol:     "No openings, no wasted movements, no carelessness, no hesitation, no embarrassment, not even any honor. No chivalry or mercy. A being unaffected by emotion." Sol:     "You were a killing machine. Taking down gears with brutal efficiency." Ky:      "...That was a long time ago." Sol:     "I'm not done talking. I've seen the face of the 'serious' Ky." Sol:     "Then one day, you challenged me." Sol:     "You wanna know what I thought right then?" Ky:      "..." Sol:     "I was afraid. Hell, I was scared shitless." Sol:     "'He figured out that I'm a Gear, and he's come to kill me.' That's what I thought." — Guilty Gear Xrd -REVELATOR-, After Story A

Sol admits that he knows just how scary Ky can be. Since Ky was extremely against Gears, if Ky found out that Sol was a Gear, then Ky would have most likely attempted to kill him. But Sol knew this and was willing to die for Ky’s sake, and transformed anyway:

Ky:      "Sol..." Ky:      (Really... that's really..) Ky:      (That's really you!?) Ky:      "SOL!" Sol:     "Shut it..." Sol:     "I didn't do it..." Sol:     "To help you out—...." — Guilty Gear Xtra, Chapter 5: Unspeakable Thoughts

Going off on a bit of a tangent from Sol’s feelings, but I just want to point out Ky’s state of mind at this point. Ky in this time period was still very anti-Gear, as it was only through this moment and his encounters with Solaria and Dizzy later that made him change his way of thinking. It took a long time for Ky to accept Gears, and he still had the remains of that mindset in him when he had Sin, as he refused to make eye contact with him because Ky was ashamed of having a Gear child. So the fact that Ky knew Sol was a Gear, believed all Gears were evil, but still decided to accept Sol into his life and wanted to support him regardless of that, is interesting.

Back to Sol, another small quote that manages to show Sol’s feelings towards Ky is this:

Sol:     (Maybe I'll finish them off while I'm at it...) Sol:     (But that would mean breaking my promise to Ky...) — Guilty Gear XX Accent Core Plus R, Sol Badguy Path 2

Now, Sol doesn’t care about 99% of what other people do as long as they don’t get in his way. The fact that he intends to keep his promise with Ky suggests that he holds Ky in somewhat ‘high’ regards compared to others.

There’s also this quote that shows Sol is thinking about Ky in Overture:

The frustrations of the man wielding a giant sword were piling day by day, and a familiar face appeared in his head. What’s he up to right now? “Hmph, whatever…” With a feeling of self-contempt, Sol Badguy shook his head. What am I getting sentimental for? — Guilty Gear 2: Overture, #0 “Noise”

And when Sol encounters Raven later on after seeing Ky incapacitated, Raven points out how he can tell Sol is upset, meaning Sol’s not really doing a good job of pretending he’s still indifferent to Ky.

Raven: "You're as ruthless as ever, huh, monster?" Sol:      "Look who's talking." Raven: "Can you not put down your sword and talk? I understand you're upset with Ky Kiske defeated." Sol:      "I'll ask your corpse for answers." — Guilty Gear 2: Overture, #5 "Gaze of the Chronicle"

Sol’s thoughts about Ky become even clearer during his confrontation with Sin when he’s under the influence of Valentine, where Sol defends Ky’s actions and tries to make Sin understand Ky is not 100% at fault:

Sin:     "Can you see it? Can you feel it? This is my real power. This is my mother's strength." Sol:     "But it's light. It must be from your father." Sin:     "Shut up! Don't ever mention him!" Sin:     "He abandoned my mother and me using justice as an excuse!" Sin:     "Who cares about the King!? Who cares about the people!? That man, and that Kingdom, not one of them can protect a damn thing!" Sol:     "I don't give a damn about your family." Sol:     "But you know what, Ky may be a stubborn idiot, but at least he's true to his beliefs." Sol:     "A punk like you is still alive thanks to his justice." — Guilty Gear 2: Overture, #15 "Roaring Compass"

Okay, that’s the pre-Xrd era for Sol done, now to focus on Ky’s pre-Xrd’s emotions.

Ky’s attitude towards Sol

We’ve established earlier that Ky was annoyed by Sol and disliked him in the Crusades. However, afterwards it seems as if Ky saw himself as friends with Sol:

Ofc1:   "All of them seem to have been destroyed by... fire?" Ofc2:  "Yeah... why could that be?" Ky:      "........" Ky:      "Change our course!" Ky:      "Head towards the Eastern United States!" Ofc1:   "May I ask why, Chief Ky?" Ky:      "To meet an old friend." — Guilty Gear Xtra, Chapter 4: Former Friends

We know that Ky outwardly expressed his first signs of liking Sol when Sol stole the Fuuenken and Ky chased after him, only for Sol to win in their duel, and Ky says this:

Ky:      "Promise me one thing..." Sol:     "..What?" Ky:      "We'll meet again." Sol:     "Hmph... Well, if fate brings us together..." Ky:      "..That's fine." — Guilty Gear XX Accent Core Plus R, Sol Badguy Path 1

It’s pretty interesting that Ky wanted to see Sol again despite how Sol never used to listen to his orders, and how Sol never even tried to act like what the Order expected their men to act like (chivalrous, putting the people first, etc). It at least shows us that Ky saw possibly the potential of becoming friends with Sol. And Sol didn’t even say straight up ‘no’ or ‘in your dreams’ or whatever Badguy-esque notion he usually would’ve done, so we can assume he doesn’t mind seeing Ky again either.

Then they don’t speak to each other properly for 5 years until the tournament that Testament holds, though they have probably ran into each other a few times within those years.

A common misconception people have is that during those 5 years, Ky was obsessed with Sol and would constantly try to find him. Obviously, this is not true. Ky was busy with IPF stuff and Sol was hunting Gears down.

However, it’s not as if Ky completely forgot about Sol — he was just probably at the back of his mind, and Ky does admit that he has been chasing after Sol the most more than anyone else:

Ky:      (Waiting outside for me when I left the ship... burning red flames. Soon, they seem to take the shape of a man... and he appears before me. Yes... it's him. The one I've been after the most... it's him.) — Guilty Gear X Drama CD, Vol. 1: Track Seven — Crater

There’s also these two other quotes:

Ky:      (Sol...) Ky:      (Why are you so stubborn about doing things alone?) — Guilty Gear Xtra, Chapter 5: Unspeakable Thoughts

You can interpret this in two ways: either Ky wants to help Sol out and/or he’s curious as to why Sol always does stuff alone.

And then there’s this:

Ky:      "Maintaining peace, law, and order. That is my duty." Sol:     "Whatever..." Ky:      "You and I, we are cut from the same cloth." Ky:      "How long are you going to keep that facade?" Sol:     "..." Ky:      "Answer me Sol!" — Guilty Gear Judgment, Sol and Ky Ending

Being ‘cut from the same cloth’ is quite a strong statement. The phrase means that Ky thought he and Sol were similar somehow, and that he shared something with Sol. Regardless, the ‘how long are you going to keep that facade’ at least shows that Ky knows Sol is intentionally acting distant/rough/etc. and that its not actually who he is.

Jumping to pre-Overture, just before Ky gives Sin to Sol, Ky is in a really depressive state due to all of the stress he’s been going through. This leads Dizzy to contact Sol. The fact that Sol is called means that Dizzy knows that Sol is possibly the only person who can help Ky at that point, which puts some emphasis on just how much Sol means to Ky or at least affects him.

Before I move onto Xrd, there’s this part where Ky gives his son to Sol. This proves he trusts Sol so much considering he was asking him to take care of Sin for a long period of time.

Ky:      “Sol....I want to request something...” Sol:     “...hnn?” Ky:      “My son....Sin..can you take care of him for a while?” Sol:     “...what did you say?” Ky:      “I know it’s unreasonable but...I still want to ask...” — GG2: Overture Story, Sol's Story

The Xrd era (because it is so long, it needs its own section)

The Xrd era is extremely interesting to me, because Sol and Ky have some more in-depth conversations, and boy, do they have a lot of conversations.

Focusing on Sol first, theres a scene in REV where Sol asks Ky why he isn’t interested in his past:

Sol:     "Why don't you ask me already?" Ky:      "Ask you what?" Sol:     "About my past." Ky:      "I can ask you?" Sol:     "I guarantee, it won't be interesting." Sol:     "Every other word that came out of your mouth was 'Duel me,' or 'I challenge you!' You were so eager to fight and..." Ky:      "........" — Guilty Gear Xrd -REVELATOR-, Story Mode: Chapter 03, Sense A

Given that Ky was constantly pestering Sol about his background in the past, it makes sense why Sol is suddenly a bit confused about Ky’s sudden change in behaviour. But it also shows that Sol wants Ky to know about his past. After ~170+ years of being alive, Sol wants to finally open up to someone again, and he specifically chose Ky for this. It shows in the very least Sol trusts Ky and knows him well enough to decide to let him know about who he used to be.

And then Ky says this, which is basically him just showing Sol how much he cares and understands him:

Ky:      "Sol. Of course I have an interest in your past." Ky:      "But wanting to understand someone and trying to understand everything is completely different." Ky:      "Right now, Sol Badguy's future matters much more to me, than Frederick's past." — Guilty Gear Xrd -REVELATOR-, Story Mode: Chapter 03, Sense A

There’s also this scene in SIGN:

Ky:      "I don't know your history." Ky:      "I don't know if you had friends once, or if you fell in love, or why you burn with such hatred for That Man and the Gears..." Ky:      "I don't even know your real name." Sol:     "..." Ky:      "But I do know a great deal about a man named Sol Badguy." Ky:      "Blinded by vengeance, he lost sight of himself, and now he runs from the truth that frightens him." Sol:     "...Say that again." Ky:      "Tomorrow always comes, Sol." Sol:     "..!" Ky:      "If tomorrow promises to be cold and dark, I cannot stand idly by... even if I know my efforts will come to nothing." Sol:     "... The self-righteous apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Ky:      "I don't expect the world to change tomorrow, but I do hope that, today, perhaps my words will reach you." Ky:      "Sol..." Ky:      "I'll be waiting for you. We'll all be waiting for you. Sin, Dizzy..." Ky:      "Once all this is over... come home." — Guilty Gear Xrd -SIGN-, Story Mode: Chapter 04, Kaleidoscope B

Three things to take away from this:

Ky admits that he doesn’t know anything about Sol’s background, but that he knows a lot about the current Sol, and then goes on to explain how Sol acts. Which to expand on, means that although Ky used to care about Sol’s past, he doesn’t really mind about it anymore because Sol’s past won’t really change much who Sol is to Ky now. Also, the part where Ky explains how Sol was ‘blinded by vengeance,’etc. shows that Ky knows Sol’s current personality well enough in order to be able to distinguish his behaviours. Which is interesting because nobody has been around Sol long enough to be able to know him really well unlike Ky (Aria and Asuka count too, but they were around Sol when he was Frederick, and Sol seems pretty adamant on the idea that he’s a separate person from Frederick.)

‘Come home’ is pretty significant, as it implies that it’s almost like Ky is saying home is with Sin, Dizzy and the Valentines, and so when Sol is done getting revenge on That Man, instead of letting Sol just wander off alone, Ky wants Sol to be a family with them.

The fact that says Ky says ‘I’ll be waiting for you’ separate from ‘we’ll all be waiting for you’ implies that either Ky’s want to wait for Sol is somehow different from everyone else’s or it’s just for the sake of being dramatic. I interpreted this in both ways, as it seems like Ky knows that Sol treats him differently compared to others. So in a sense, by Ky emphasising that he’ll be waiting for Sol, it might make Sol more likely to ‘come home’.

There’s also a scene that shows Ky knows Sol’s personality well:

Ky:      "When I look at you, Sol, I see a man who is afraid." Sol:     "... What?" Ky:      "It became clear when I watched you caring for Sin." Ky:      "You work very hard to keep everyone at arm's length." Sol:     "..." Sol:     "I got Gear blood in my veins, and it ain't friendly. It's always there in the back of my head, whispering that I oughta just destroy all of this." Sol:     "The only way I'm gonna get some closure is tracking down That Man and beating some answers out of him." Sol:     "And if he doesn't have 'em..." Sol:     "Then maybe there really isn't a good way to live." Ky:      "That's why you close your heart off." — Guilty Gear Xrd -SIGN-, Story Mode: Chapter 08, Hope A

There’s also this:

Ky:      "Not all people have the strength to stand on their own." Sol:     "..." Ky:      "If only life were simple, and the right path was laid out before each of us..." Ky:      "But even then some would leave it, and some would struggle with walking it. Such is human nature..." Ky:      "The truth is that no path will ever be 'right' for all people. Each of us must find the one we are meant to walk--and sometimes that is where none exists." Ky:      "That is what I learned from you." — Guilty Gear Xrd -SIGN-, Story Mode: Chapter 08, Hope A

This just shows that Ky actually learnt something from Sol. Which I think is important because Ky is someone who always used to be very strict to his ideals. The fact that he learnt something from Sol that had an impact on his mindset means that Sol actually managed to have a great impact on Ky.

There’s this scene where Sol finds out that Aria isn’t dead when he confronts That Man, and he has somewhat of a mini mental breakdown. So Ky excuses them from the room, and goes outside to talk with Sol:

Ky:      "Sol. The grudge you hold is certainly not something that can be taken lightly. And, whatever answer you think you've found, I doubt any of us will be able to stop you from seeing it through..." Ky:      "But we have very little time left. Right now, we need the Gear Maker's help." Ky:      "So, I'm begging you... Just for now. Why don't you stay outside with me." — Guilty Gear Xrd -REVELATOR-, Story Mode: Chapter 06, Cause A

The last line that Ky says is interesting because it’s obvious that he’s just trying to calm Sol down, and Ky thinks that if he stays with Sol outside for a bit, he’ll be able to help him calm down. Furthermore, Ky thought it was more necessary to pause everything and help Sol out rather than keep listening to the plans of what their next course of action would be.

Ky does have the habit of comforting Sol. One of the more significant moments is whenever Sol refers to himself as a monster:

Ky:      "Yes, he took away some of what makes you human, but that doesn't mean he altered your mind or your soul." Sol:     "So what?" Ky:      "I want to believe that you'll fight for the people of this world." Sol:     "Are we seriously having this conversation?" Sol:     "Look, kid. I'm a monster. I'm here to do two things: Destroy That Man, and kill all the other Gears." — Guilty Gear Xrd -SIGN-, Story Mode: Chapter 04, Kaleidoscope B

To expand a little on Sol’s mindset, it’s common knowledge that Gears were generally in the past regarded as akin to monsters. Now we don’t have any solid proof Sol is referring to himself as a monster because he’s a Gear, or because he feels guilt about the whole Gear Project, etc. But we do know it’s something he’s affected by given that he constantly refers to himself as one.

So the fact that Ky constantly reassures him that he’s not one, and that Ky didn’t treat him differently after finding out he was a Gear, must be comforting to know.

Then at the end of REV, there’s the scene where Daryl is about to shoot Sol, because he (quite rightly) doesn’t trust the fate of the world to be left to Sol. And so, the kids get beamed up, but Ky asks to be left behind:

Ky:      "But, if you plan on targeting Sol, then you must leave me behind, as well." Daryl: "What!?" Zappa:"60 seconds until impact..!" Sol:     "What the hell are you doing?! Stay with Sin!" Ky:      "I am well aware that this is a one in a million chance..." Ky:      "But, if I survive at the expense of my dear friend, then there is little reason left for my ruling this world as king." — Guilty Gear Xrd -REVELATOR-, Story Mode: Final Chapter, Fireworks

This was a really odd moment because Ky’s life was never in danger at that moment. If he had been sent on board Daryl’s ship as originally planned, he would have been safe. But Ky intentionally chose to risk his life, and its kind of startling because Ky has always put his people above everything. There were times when he put the people above his own family, like when he kept his family a secret instead of coming out with the truth about them in order to remain as King to protect his people.

So Ky suddenly going ‘I would rather die with Sol than take care of my people’ is really extreme. Also Ky was willing to leave his family behind, which is even more extreme. So this just really proves how highly Ky regards Sol considering how he would rather die with him than live without him.

Some concluding notes

I think Sol and Ky’s personalities do work really well. Perhaps not in the Crusade era, but if we take a look at the Xrd era, they have shown to get along and have deep conversations with one another that they both enjoy. They know each other extremely well; they know how to support one another when life gets a bit too much and they’re also capable of telling one another when the other is wrong.

Sol teaches Ky that life isn’t as simple as it seems, and that (figuratively speaking) he shouldn’t stick exactly to the textbook. He’s able to see under that perfect image Ky puts up about him being able to cope with everything, acting as a source of stability when you consider how Sol has been the only person who’s been around Ky since the very beginning.

Throughout all of Ky’s life, he’s been under so much pressure. From being Commander in the Crusades, to becoming the Head of the International Police Force, to becoming King. In every situation, people are constantly relying on him, and his environment is changing rapidly. But despite everything, Sol has always remained the same. He looks the same, acts the same, etc. Ky can rely on Sol and trust Sol. He’s like a source of stability for Ky in those hectic times.

And Ky provides something similar to Sol too, given how often he ran into Sol time and time again. When you’ve been alive for so long, it’d feel reassuring in the very least to see a familiar face. And Sol does seem to get less annoyed each time they meet each other again, considering like how in Overture he voluntarily went to go see Ky after seeing himself on a wanted poster.

Ky also gives Sol the chance to open up to people again and form connections with them, something that Sol has been reluctant to do. Sol needs someone to care about him, and Ky proves that by constantly reassuring him and never giving up on trying to help Sol, even though he kept getting pushed away.

They may not be canon but I really do love how they work together. Yes it’s true some people may like them because they are ‘rivals’and seeing rivals get together and bicker is great, but actually I think when people focus more on how much they support and rely on each other, as well as the fact that they do get along, them being in a relationship is more convincing.

Whilst this essay focused on their canon interactions, there’s plenty of other great material out there. For instance, the Guilty Gear 4KomaKINGS manga provides plenty of great SolKy interactions (like the time Ky wanted to have a friendship diary with Sol, only to get rejected and start crying about it. Of course, take these interactions with a pinch of skepticism considering the frivolity of the source material.)

And that, was my very long SolKy essay. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading! Though you may not have agreed with everything I have said, you still continued reading, and I am grateful for that. Thank you for showing such enthusiasm and loving this franchise.

[got-svt]

all the boys you’ve loved and lost during the course of our lives, we meet thousands of people, creating either a seconds long moment or memories that last a lifetime. some of them you’ll have the opportunity to know beyond their names and faces, some you may even grow to love. unfortunately, not all of them have the luxury of staying in your life forever. 

❥• one: the childhood best friend 

he’s the one you grew up next to, who lived in the house directly in front of yours. the one you’ll forever associate with popsicles on the sidewalk, bike rides at dawn, seesaws and swings at sunset. and you wish you could trap yourself within the memories, to never escape the hold of childhood innocence. but, just like everyone else, both of you eventually had to grow up. 

pairing: lee chan x reader genre: fluff, angst, childhood friends to ??? word count: 2062

→  it honestly seemed like you and him were meant to be friends: both your parents attended the same university, worked at buildings a few streets away from the other’s, and eventually ended up living in the same neighbourhood — buying houses directly in front of each other. you met chan at the ripe old age of eight months, when they decided that both of you were old enough for a little play date. sure, you mostly communicated in unintelligible babbles and spent the afternoon throwing plastic toys and stuffed animals at the other — you having to go home a crying mess — but your parents remained optimistic that you would eventually become good friends.

→  and they were right — of course they were. this had been their plan from the very beginning. you began to grow closer when both of you were old enough to understand that throwing toys at other kids was wrong and your communication skills evolved from babbles to simple sentences. alternating afternoons were spent at the other’s place, playing house, cooking fake food, tag in the backyard, blowing bubbles in the garden. looking back at it now, friendships were so much simpler. you never had to worry if they truly liked you or wanted to spend time with you, as long as you could laugh and play around, all was well.  

→  you and chan learned how to ride a bike together. your parents were there to guide you both along, but it was mostly both of you teaching yourselves. was it a good idea to have two eight year olds learning by themselves? probably not, but it introduced you to the basics of independence and meant that you spent a lot of your time with chan. he was the first one to have the training wheels removed, much to your dismay and his elation. 

“hah, yn, you’re still a baby who needs training wheels.” chan teased, pointing a finger at you with a smile.  

you could only huff and pout, gripping onto the handles of your bike until your knuckles turned white. that night, you asked your parents to remove the training wheels of your bike, determined to prove to chan that you were, in fact, not a baby. 

the following afternoon had him eating his words, not because you were blazing down the street, but because you fell off your bike. chan almost fainted at the scrape that marked your arm. it was small and had little to no bleeding, but that didn’t stop him from rushing to his mother with tears brimming his eyes, demanding that you be treated. even though you repeatedly told him you were fine, chan spent the next few days following you around.  

→  the following year had you asking your parents what it meant to love someone. 

your parents’ eyes widen at your inquiry. “what do you mean yn?” your father asked, tilting his head to the side at your inquiry. 

“you always tell me you love me, and i tell you i love you back. but how do you know you love someone?” you clarified with a pout, looking down at your feet as if you were ashamed of your question. 

your parents shared a fond smile at the genuineness of your question, though it faltered slightly at the thought of you only saying it back because you were taught to — not out of sincerity. regardless, they tried their best to explain. “loving someone means you care for them, not wanting them to be hurt or sick. you want to be around them, you think about them even when you don’t mean to. you’re happy when you spend time with them. things like that.”  

you nod, taking into account their words and how you’ve been feeling yourself. the next day, you sat on the curb with chan. the summer sun threatening to melt the popsicles both of you were intent on eating. it was rather quiet, nothing but the birds’ melodious singing and cars passing by. up until you blurted out, “i love you.”    

chan blinked back at you, it had been the first time someone outside his family had told him that. you panicked at his non-response, explaining quickly what your parents told you, “loving someone means you don’t want that person hurt and you’re happy when you spend time with them.” 

chan nodded, processing your words, “hmm. then i love you too.” 

→  saying i love you became a normal thing for you and chan. your parents found it adorable, the way it became a hello and a goodbye. with all the time you spent together, it was expected that both of you form some sort of attachment to the other.  

you sat on a swing in the playground five minutes away from your homes, chan stood behind you, gently pushing you forward every now and then. the sun was setting, turning a sky into a mixture of orange, yellow, and purple. “do you think we’ll be friends forever?” you ask, voice soft and tender as you felt his hands lightly on your back. 

“yes. we will.” chan answered without a moment’s hesitation, eyes still staring straight ahead into the horizon.  

“how do you know?” you asked, still unsure. you were to start middle school the next day. it was at a much bigger place than your elementary or kindergarten. at age eleven, both of you knew things were bound to change. you knew were going to meet more people, possibly be placed in different classes, join various clubs and organizations. 

chan moved to stand in front of you, the swing slowing down to a gentle halt. “because i promise we’ll stay friends.” 

you hold your pinky up towards him, a smile playing on your features, “promise?” 

he intertwined his pinky with yours, chuckling as he shook his head at your slight nervousness, “promise, yn.” 

“okay. love you.”

“i love you too.” 

→  but of course, promises aren’t always kept. even though both of you tried your hardest to do so. 

→  you and chan were inseparable throughout your kindergarten and elementary school days. despite meeting several other kids that were in the same age range, you still opted to be attached at the hip. eating lunch or snacks, playing, studying together. slowly, but surely, all of that changed when you entered middle school. 

→  it started with being placed in different classes, with different free periods. you had made friends with the students that sat around you, all of them bright and bubbly — eager to make new friends. you were slightly overwhelmed at the onslaught of new people, but you grew to like it, accepting their invitations to hang out after classes. chan had also found new friends of his own. kids he met when he signed up for the dance club, all of them just as passionate as he was. you were both happy for the other’s expansion of social circles, never failing to send a giant smile and an excited wave when you bumped into each other in the halls.   

→  chan walked with you to school in the morning and always met up with you for lunch, exchanging stories of his afternoons at dance classes and yours spent swimming at the town rec center with your newfound friends. you both still said your i love yous with a smile before you headed into your next classes, but as the months passed, they became more and more rushed, eventually more mumbled, to barely saying it at all. 

→  you would eventually join your middle school swim team, and chan never missed a single one of your games, just as you didn’t miss a single one of his recitals. always the loudest to cheer the other on, the first to congratulate and celebrate a victory, or pick up in a loss. but with the addition of new clubs in your schedules, it meant lesser and lesser time to spend with the other. hanging out together turned a daily activity into a weekly one. neither of you minded, you were happy and occupied, that didn’t mean you were no longer friends. right? so you pushed that concern to the back of your minds.  

→  high school rolled around more quickly than either of you could ever imagine. chan was now in the school dance team and you were in the varsity swimming team. back in middle school, you both managed to meet up at least once a week, now you were lucky to even spend a full day together once a month.  

you sat in chan’s room, watching him as he struggle to get past a level of a video game another friend of his had lent him. truth be told, you couldn’t recall exactly what that game was. was it a platformer, racing, fighting? you never really listened when he rambled on about. you were too wrapped up in your own thoughts, something had changed, you just couldn’t quite put a finger on what it was exactly. “hey chan.” 

“yeah, yn?” he didn’t take his eyes off the screen, “is something wrong?”

“no, um—” you were grateful that some of his attention was elsewhere, “we’re still friends, right?” 

chan paused his game so he could turn to look at you, “of course we are. why are you asking?” 

you wanted to believe him, so you nodded before shaking your head in slight embarrassment, “right. i’m sorry, i guess i’m just thinking about how we’d known each other for sixteen years now.” 

chan knew better that to think that was all there was to your question, but he couldn’t find it in himself to delve further or to ask more questions. instead, he gave you a small smile, his mind going back to that summer afternoon eating popsicles on the sidewalk. “i love you.” 

you offer him a weak smile back, your own memories taking you back to watching the sunset on the swings, “i love you too.” 

→  little did either of you know that would be the last time you would say those words to the other. as the months dragged on, you and chan only became busier, with academics, extracurriculars. communication became far and few in between, you didn’t mean it of course. you were tired from swimming laps, he was exhausted from practice. you had homework that you’d been putting off, his friends decided to surprise him. it just slipped both of your minds.   

“i’m free on saturday, how about you?” 

 “can’t, f/n is coming over. how about sunday?” 

“ i have a competition, you’ll cheer me on right?” 

“ i have a swim meet that day too…” 

“tuesday then?” 

“i have a huge test on wednesday. i have to study. ” 

conversations like these soon became the norm for you and chan, not that either of you wanted it to be. it just happened without either of you noticing. you both slowly stopped inviting the other to hang out after class, to watch a swim meet or a recital, thinking that the other might be too busy to even attend. in neither of you wanting to bother the other, you eventually drifted further and further away from the other. 

→  there was no dramatic falling out, no big fight that ended in tears, not even a single screaming match. things simply happened without either of you realizing what was going on. you still waved at each other in the halls, but he stopped walking with you to and from school. you still talked to each other when both of your families occasionally had dinner together, but it felt formal and impersonal — filled with more awkward silences than comfortable ones. both of you always felt the need to fill up the space, but it somehow only made it worse. you still said your goodbyes with a hug and a smile, but there was no longer an “i love you” that followed.  

❥•   but it was with chan you learned that growing up could also mean growing apart. and though both of you know you could’ve done better, you accept that it couldn’t be helped. besides, you’ll always have the memories of learning to ride a bike, playing tag in the backyard, swings at sunset, and that very first i love you. memories both you and chan will look back on with a wistful smile when you long for the days of your youth, and that was more than enough.

seventeen as all the boys you’ve loved and lost. next  ➤  yoon jeonghan, the academic rival 

[ffwriterbts]

Lunar- BTS Werewolf AU Part 4

AN: As I’ve said before, if slowburn BTS werewolf AUs that have springlings of angst, smut, and fluff, this is the story for you! Other than that, please leave a like or comment so I know you’re enjoying the story!! The sections should start getting longer as I keep updating :) 

Also! Let me know if you want to be on a tag list for this story! 

Word Count: 7.7k

Warnings: General angst; slight medical talk; mental health issues; soulmate themes if you squint

Posted: 31 Dec 2020

Masterlist

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When YN wakes up, she is lying in what looks like a fancy hospital room. Her shoulder is on fire, there’s an IV in her hand, her leg is propped up in an almost uncomfortable way, and all the rest of her feels like she was repeatedly hit by a cement truck. 

YN tries to sit up, but only makes it a few centimeters before pain wracks her body and she stops in her tracks. Her eyes snap shut and she takes a few deep breaths, doing her best to remember what happened and where she was.

And- nothing. YN doesn’t really remember anything that happened. 

That is, until Jin walks into the room, and everything hits her all at once- how Jin and Yoongi came to cook, how she was going back to the garden to grab her phone when a mystery wolf tried to harm her, how Yoongi transformed into a giant black wolf, how he fought for her, how Jin helped her. 

“I didn’t expect you to wake up so soon. Welcome back, YN.” Jin breaks the silence, and YN’s eyes snap up to him. 

“I-” YN starts, taking a second to collect her thoughts before continuing. “What happened to me?” Her voice is gruff, hoarse. 

“You were attacked.” Jin gives a little shrug before continuing, “Your shoulder was bitten, your ankle broken, you have three cracked ribs, and deep tissue bruising on the side with the bite. Other than that, you’re covered in scratches and bruises from the dragging and the nasty fall you took.” 

“Oh.” 

“Don’t worry, you have the same blood type as Jimin, and he was more than happy to donate for you. The wolf blood will have you healed by the end of the month for pretty much all of it. The ankle will take a little longer.” Jin shrugs again, going around and checking all of the monitors, making sure everything was good before he makes small talk with YN and helps her sit up, giving her water. 

Once he is sure she is as fine as she can be, he takes a seat at the end of the bed. YN can feel her ears get hot as she realizes that he has plenty of room, seeing as her legs don’t even reach three-fourths of the way down when she’s lying, much less when she’s sitting up. She doesn’t know why she feels this embarrassment, but she does anyway, and she silently hopes that Jin doesn’t know. 

“You must have questions, so why don’t I give you the full story?” Jin lightly pats where YN’s good foot is, smiling warmly at her. “If you want me to, of course.” 

“Please, I feel like I’m going crazy.” YN’s voice is much softer now, as she looks at him with those big, innocent eyes of hers, sipping water. 

“Well, I hope you’ve figured out by now that we are all werewolves.” Jin lets out a little laugh as YN nods softly. 

“We are a hidden race among humans, almost extinct. There are a few large groups over in America, there’s a couple here, a few somewhere in Europe, and a whole bunch over in Africa. There’s also a city of only wolves and special, trusted humans in China, which is also hidden from the world. We are bigger, faster, and stronger than even the very best human. We have the ability to change into wolves whenever we want, so long as we are fully healed.” Jin takes breath, looking to YN to make sure she was following along. 

YN nods, eyes trained on Jin as she listens, and he continues. 

“In order to survive, we had to breed with humans, muddle the gene pool. The fastest, strongest, largest of the humans, they are all part wolf. Our pack is one of the purest here, genetically speaking, but we would be considered basically human by our ancestors. But, to be fair, some humans are able to be welcomed into packs.” 

“Packs?” YN asks, head tilting slightly to one side as Jin smiles. 

“Yeah, like wolf packs. There are Alphas, Betas, and Omegas, which are basically what you think they are, though there is a lot more variation than you would think. Each designation is on a sort of scale, though that scale is not something that can easily be explained.” Jin gives another half shrug, glancing up at the IV, before standing and doing something that YN didn’t understand. 

“Here, let me get this changed so your body doesn’t starve or dehydrate. And I’ll let the rest of the boys know you’re awake, they’re excited to meet you and make sure you’re okay.” Jin clearly makes the move away from the subject of werewolves, and even though YN’s mind is swirling with questions, she doesn’t question the dropping of the subject. 

YN assumes (correctly) that any and all questions she possibly has will be answered in time, because something about the way Jin putters around the room doing this or that feels like coming home. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Over the next week, YN steadily gets better. Whatever it is about the werewolf blood that makes healing kick it up into overdrive was working better than expected, which all of the boys were grateful for. She had visitors every day, for most of the day, and she quickly got along with each of them. 

Jin, who YN found out was actually a fully licensed medical doctor and surgeon, mandated that the boys were only allowed to go and see her in pairs, so she wouldn’t be overwhelmed. 

And thus, YN met Hobi and Jimin almost as soon as Jin opened the door to let the boys know she was accepting visitors. She could see who she would later find out to be Jungkook and Taehyung peaking in the doorway, wanting to be included but not being allowed to be. 

Both Hobi and Jimin very enthusiastically introduced themselves, taking no time at all to occupy the end of the bed that YN was far too short to occupy herself. Talking to them felt like talking to people she had known for years, and they had YN almost rolling with laughter within the first five minutes. 

It was almost an hour of not-so-patient waiting on behalf of Taehyung and Jungkook before Jin came back and kicked Hobi and Jimin out, scolding them half-heartedly for not letting the other two have their time yet. 

With quick apologies, those two boys slipped out of the room as two more replaced them. Again, just as enthusiastic, the two boys introduced themselves, and had YN in stitches almost too quickly. 

Without a second thought, YN is talking with them for almost two hours, before Namjoon comes in and cuts them off. He kicks the two youngest out of the room, telling them that YN needs to rest sometime, that she has to heal. 

Namjoon in turn takes the same spot at the end of the bed, but he is bearing gifts. Namely, the gift of her electronics from her home, a nice lap desk, and some of her very favorite sour candy.

“I figured you would want these things, seeing as you’ll be here for a while.” Namjoon smiles softly as he almost sheepishly rubs the back of his neck. 

“Oh, thank you!” YN is much more animated than she was even an hour ago, snatching the sour candies from Namjoon’s hand as quickly as she dares to, trying her best to open the bag without moving her one arm very much. 

“Do you want some help YN?” Namjoon’s voice is soft but deep, and YN nods without even a second’s hesitation, holding out the offending bag with a small pout. 

Namjoon just chuckles, making small talk as he easily opens the bag, carefully handing it to YN. She lets out a grateful sigh, carefully balancing the bag in her hurt hand, and throwing candies into her mouth. 

“How’d you know I like these?” YN asks absently, paying far more attention to the wonderful flavor than to Namjoon and his response. 

She was tired, her body was sore, and honestly, she was more excited for her candy and the prospect of a nice long sleep than she was about anything Namjoon had to say. That was, at least, until she actually heard the words that came out of his mouth. 

“Oh, we can read minds. We know all sorts of things about you.” His voice was that same even calmness, to the point that YN didn’t actually register what was said for almost a whole minute. 

“You… you what?” YN pauses and looks up at Namjoon, shock and confusion written so clearly on her face that Namjoon didn’t even need to read her mind to know exactly what she was thinking. 

“Hyung was supposed to tell you, but yes. It’s an innate ability of ours, and once you present you’ll probably be able to do the same.” Namjoon gives a little sort of half shrug as YN’s face just scrunches up more as she tries to fully process what Namjoon actually said. 

“I can see you’re confused.” Namjoon speaks again and YN rolls her eyes without taking a second to think about how that might be perceived. Sure, the men she had met had all been incredibly kind to her, but that doesn’t mean that they’re comfortable enough to start with the half-bratty sass that YN was known for with her close friends. 

“Yeah, I wonder why.” YN speaks for the first time, her eyes locking up onto Namjoons in a way that seemed out of character for the girl that he had begun to get to know. “It’s not like this is a lot to process or anything.” Sarcasm seems to drip from every pore like venom, and Namjoon pauses for the first time, slightly confused. Again, this was unlike the character that he had come to know as YN.

He’s sure YN doesn’t mean any harm by what she’s saying, that much is clear to him because of her thoughts, but he was under the impression that YN was just a sweet, mild mannered woman. Silently, Namjoon chides himself for allowing himself to believe that YN, a fully functioning adult woman, was something other than a three dimensional person with multitudes to her personality. 

“May I ask some clarifying questions?” YN asks after a short silence. For the first time, she felt slightly uncomfortable in the silence, wondering if she had actually offended Namjoon inadvertently. Usually, she tried to tame the more bratty side of her personality for fear of being hurt by someone she completely offended, and it seemed to hit her all at once that these men, who were already giant in comparison to her, also held an unknown strength.

YN’s fears are assuaged when Namjoon gives her a beautiful smile, nodding his head and motioning for her to ask away. 

“How much of my head can you see?” YN tilts her head to one side, not catching how strange her phrasing is until Namjoon lifts an eyebrow. By that point, too much time has passed for YN to really change her statement, and she can feel her ears getting hot as she waits for Namjoon to actually respond. 

“Well, any of us can read basically any thought you have. We can also access memories, though it is incredibly frowned upon to do so, as it is sort of like torture for the person whose mind you look into for that one. But, we can also teach you how to make sure we can’t see inside your mind, and when the door to the room closes, we can’t see into anyone inside the room.” Namjoon answers with a sort of practiced nuance, which is comforting to YN in a strange way. 

“Do you look at my thoughts all the time?” 

“No, of course not. That wouldn’t be fair, and honestly, we don’t really look in your mind at all. You do throw off emotion, but that’s different in the first place.” Namjoon gives that same little half shrug. 

“How’s it different?” YN’s voice is much softer now. There’s something about the way Namjoon speaks that makes her feel like she’s coming home. 

She shakes the feeling, instead trying to focus on what Namjoon has to say.

“When in the pack, emotions are shared and felt by the other members of the pack, to varying degrees. When it comes to other wolves, we are sensitive to their emotions and have a large amount of completely non-verbal communication. Part of why you’re so interesting to us is the fact that we can feel your emotions, though you clearly aren’t fully wolf.” Namjoon pauses, brow furrowed. 

“What does that mean?” YN’s expression turns to match Namjoons. 

“It means you’re one of us. But also that you’re not.” Namjoon brings a hand up to rub the bridge of his nose. “I’m not sure what it means, honestly. You smell like an Omega. You act like one, mostly. But you clearly won’t be able to turn once you finish presenting, you know nothing of our world or customs, you’re absolutely tiny.” 

YN shifts uncomfortably when Namjoon looks up at her, her ears heating up again, though she has no idea why she’s embarrassed. It’s not her fault she didn’t know about a hidden society of werewolves, after all. 

Namjoon opens his mouth to say something else, but the door opens and Jin steps in. 

“Namjoon, go separate Taehyung and Yoongi. They’re at it again. Both of them are acting like children.” Jin lets out a deep, exasperated sigh. “And you need to leave YN alone, she needs to heal. Didn’t you say the same thing to Tae and Kookie just a bit ago?” 

YN can’t help but smile softly at the familiar interaction, almost laughing when Jin shoos Namjoon out of the room. 

“As for you, Miss YN, you need to actually rest. Don’t be afraid to tell any of the boys to leave, they know full well that you are here to heal.” Jin gives YN a bright smile as he reaches behind her to make sure her pillows are arranged correctly. 

YN nods, a grateful smile on her features. “I’ll do my best to heal well, thank you.”  She speaks softly, her thoughts a jumbled mess after everything Namjoon told her, her prior annoyance and attitude melting away.

“Do you need anything else? It’s getting late enough I’m going to leave you, I know Namjoon set you up with your technology and chargers.” Jin stands in the doorway, facing YN. 

“No, thank you! I’m good until tomorrow.” YN answers quickly, arranging herself so she can rest comfortably for the night. 

“I’ll leave you then. If you need anything through the night, there’s a call button on the side there. Good night, YN.” 

“Good night!” YN calls, watching as Jin flicks off the light and closes the door. She then proceeds to lay there, in the strange bed, and stare up at the ceiling. 

It was a lot to process, everything that she’d been told. 

“I’m fucking crazy.” YN groans, sighing deeply and checking her phone for the first time in what could have been weeks. 

She was unsurprised to see that the only notifications she had were from her editor, sending back things for her to work on and asking for the corrections and newest works.

YN can’t help but sigh again, throwing her phone to one side and settling in better. She was thankful to the men who had saved her, and she knew somewhere deep down that she could trust them, but it was just a lot to deal with. 

What did it mean that she smelled like an Omega? What the fuck did it mean to present? What did Namjoon mean when he said that she threw off emotions? 

YN was confused, to say the least, but as she relaxed more and ignored the aches of her body, she realized just how tired she was. It didn’t take long for her to fall asleep, even with her mind swirling with question after question about what everything meant.

~~~~~~~~~~~

It was three weeks before YN had the use of her arm back, her shoulder only stinging slightly when she actually used her arm properly. It was another month after that before YN could walk on her ankle, which had been almost shattered from the attack. And that whole time, YN was bonding with the boys. 

She quickly found that the three youngest were incredibly physically affectionate, which YN just adored. She quickly found herself curling up beside Jimin, playing with his hair and feeling completely enveloped in his arms. Or laying across Jungkook’s lap, laughing at his facial expressions as he played his games. Or jokingly having Taehyung carry her around, lovingly calling him her “trusty steed” from her perch on his back.

She found that Jin’s love language was acts of service, which usually translated into him cooking this or that for the group. YN quickly fell into the habit of helping Jin as much as she could sitting at (or on) the counter, laughing at his dad jokes and making some of her own. She made sure that Jin didn’t forget to serve himself as well, always sneaking some of the best parts that he gave to her back into his own portion.

She found that the best way to bond with Namjoon was to just talk to him, about anything and everything, especially philosophical topics. Both YN and Namjoon loved the debate of this or that, the exchange of ideas, the passion of discussing things that others find to be boring. They would spend hours sitting in the library and reading this book or that novel, just to discuss it as soon as both of them had finished, getting off topic in that special way that isn’t really off topic, if you think about it on a deeper level. 

She found that Hoseok loved to dance, loved to explore music and feel it through the movement of  his body. While YN wasn’t able to stand and actually dance with him, even though she would have loved to, she did suggest new songs for him to try making routines to, bringing him water and snacks every so often. He would always ask her to stay and watch, which she did, always giving him the biggest applause she could at the end of the beautiful dances, talking his ear off about her love for movement like that, even if she couldn’t ever really do it herself. 

She found, however, that it was with Yoongi that she felt the most at peace. She quickly gained access to his ever-so-exclusive “genius lab,” where he made his music. Most of the time, YN would work on her writing as Yoongi worked on his music, the studio space filled with the soft sounds of YN’s typing and the sounds of whatever Yoongi was working on. They didn’t need to talk, instead the two sat in silence most of the time, just enjoying the fact that there was someone else there who understood that being together was all that was really needed.

Every so often, Yoongi would spin around in his chair and capture YN’s attention, asking her to listen to something and give her opinions on what could be improved or changed to make the song sound better. While YN didn’t have a lick of musical experience, she was sensitive to sounds and could pick out parts that didn’t quite mesh correctly with ease, which is just what Yoongi needed. 

On the flip side, when Yoongi was taking a bit of a break to stretch, YN would ask him to make certain motions or how to say certain things in different accents to help her be able to write this or that out in a way that actually made sense. Her editor was praising the way her work was coming back with less mistakes and awkward parts, and YN was absolutely loving the way she and Yoongi got along. 

And yet at other points, when neither Yoongi nor YN could seem to focus long enough to get anything done, the two would lounge side by side on the couch and just talk. They never really had something specific to talk about, but YN would find herself opening up about things that she had never told anyone else. She would find herself listening intently to whatever Yoongi decided to open up about, carefully choosing her words in a way that was meant to make him feel better, without making it feel like she was dismissing the feelings that he had in the first place. 

It was a system that worked, with YN falling into the routine of the home far quicker than any of them would have ever expected.  She found joy in helping Jin cook, she felt loved at the unashamed touchiness of Jimin and Taehyung, and again in the much more shy touchiness of Jungkook, she found quiet appreciation in sharing music and watching Hobi, she felt wanted during the long conversations and debates with Namjoon, and she felt at peace with Yoongi. 

She felt like she was home.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But nothing can last forever, can it? YN knew just as much as the rest of the boys that she would have to go back to her own home eventually. 

And so, after two and a half months of living with the seven men, YN was taken back to her own home. 

Jin’s the one who drove her, with Namjoon riding shotgun. There was an aura of sadness the entire time, like none of them really wanted to go anywhere, but it wasn’t like YN could just move into their house. 

This wasn’t a movie or some crappy romance novel, after all. It was real life, and in real life, people don’t just pack up and move into the home of people who were basically strangers. 

The whole parting was quiet. YN couldn’t bring herself to actually say the word “goodbye” to either of the men who had come to make sure she got home safe, instead throwing her arms around their necks and giving them a good squeeze, wishing that she didn’t have to leave. 

The whole thing rang the same as the way she had parted with the other boys before the drive, the ache settling into her chest like someone had ripped out her heart and thrown it under the tires of the car as it pulled away, tears falling freely as a sharp longing settled in her stomach. 

It wasn’t until Jin and Namjoon left that YN actually cried, sobs tearing out of her throat as she crumbled to the ground, knees hitting the hardwood sharply. 

She had no idea how long she stayed there, feeling like there was a hole ripped into her very being, wishing for the comfort of Yoongi’s words, or Jimin’s wonderful hugs, or of Jin’s gentle prodding to “eat well.” 

Eventually, YN drug herself to her feet, stumbling to the kitchen and chugging some water before grabbing the bag she had borrowed to take her things back to her house, deciding she needed to put things away. 

“Why did I let them pack the bag?” YN groans, finding quickly that she is wholly unable to actually pick the bag up, and instead has to drag it to her room. She’s silently thankful for the wood floors because she can actually slide the bag. 

It isn’t until she gets to the last couple sweatshirts in the bottom of the bag that YN realizes she’d picked up a few presents from the boys. Shaking her head, she realizes why they had insisted on helping her in the first place, each of them had gifted her something small and they didn’t want her to refuse them, like they knew she would. The knowledge of how kind they were being was completely bittersweet, however, because they felt like “goodbye, at least remember us” presents.

From Jin she got the knife she quickly claimed was her favorite because it was the only one that was properly sized for her. There was a small note attached tha read “For my favorite kitchen helper, since it’s too small for me, -Jin” 

YN felt the tears well up in her eyes as she carefully set the knife to the side, not wanting to accidentally hurt herself. She then reaches back into the bag, wondering what else she might find. 

Hobi’s gift was next, giving her the one black headband of his that she always stole and jokingly wore around. It was wrapped around an adorable little teddy bear, with a note saying “For my favorite dancer, even if you couldn’t really do anything. Next time, I’m sure you’ll show me up -Hobi <3” 

Tears were flowing down her face now, but YN couldn’t stop looking for what was next, no matter what kind of feelings arose from it. 

Next she found one of the small figurines from Jungkook’s games, the one she always told him was her favorite because of it’s cool jacket. The note simply read “He might be your favorite, but you’re mine.”

YN smiled at the lack of signature, getting up and placing the figure on her nightstand, carefully angling it so it could watch over the room. Taking a seat on the edge of her bed, she reaches into the bag again, pulling out a gift that couldn’t have been from anyone but Namjoon. 

It was a book that was equal parts old and beautiful, and as YN ran her finger down the spine, she took out the note that was sticking out of the book. She wiped the tears from her face before she read the note, not wanting to drip tears onto it.

“Our Miss YN, 

Please don’t take this as a goodbye, but as a promise for the future. You’re just as important to us, to me, as we are to you. Remember us, remember the good, and look to when we can be together again. 

-Joon” 

It’s with this that YN starts sobbing again. They’re so sweet, those boys, and YN couldn’t help but feel almost lost without them. Her chest hurt like someone had shot her, a strong sort of longing that seemed endless settling into the pit of her stomach. 

It takes a while this time, before she can reach into the bag again. When she does, she almost immediately has renewed cries falling from her lips. 

She had pulled out the one super soft sweater of Jimin’s that she absolutely adored. She had told him that she was going to steal it from him whenever he wore it, twisting her fingers in the material and snuggling closer to him. It was soft, it smelled nice, and she knew that it would make her both look and feel tiny. 

There’s no note with this one, but YN can feel the love and sincerity behind the action, draping the sweater over her legs for the time being. She reaches into the bag again, smiling as she pulls out one of Taehyung’s million beanies, wrapped around a small toy horse. 

There is a note with this one, which simply reads “Horse.” It’s the most Taehyung thing YN can think of, and without a second thought, she places the horse next to the figurine, pulling the beanie on. 

She doesn’t find anything else immediately, taking a minute to put the things she had gotten in safe spots and going to put away the last couple hoodies, which she knew were hers. 

It isn’t until she reaches the last thing in the bag that she finds what Yoongi left her. At first, she thought it was just one of his hoodies, which she absolutely adored, but when she took it out to lay it next to the sweater Jimin had given her, something fell out of the folding. 

Quickly, YN picks up whatever fell, and finds that it’s a CD. She shakes her head, knowing that Yoongi would be the kind of person to share music as a gift. She sets the CD carefully on the bed, gathering up her shower supplies and a towel, both because she needed to take them back to her bathroom, and because she needed to actually shower. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Once she’s freshly showered, using Hobi’s headband to keep her hair out of her face, wearing nothing but the amazingly soft sweater Jimin left her, YN settles into her bed with a CD player she found, Yoongi’s hoodie layed out beside her. Now that she had calmed down, she could smell the boys on the things they had given her. She would have been lying if she said that it wasn’t incredibly comforting to have their scent around her. It made the gaping hole in her chest feel a little less bloody, for whatever reason. 

Pressing play, YN settles in, not knowing what to expect. Neither the CD nor the CD cover had any sort of writing on it, so YN had no idea what was going to be playing, or for how long. She can’t help the small smile that graces her face as Yoongi’s voice fills her space, speaking deep and slow in that comforting way YN loved. 

“YN, my lovely secret keeper. You’re hearing this now because the day has come that you had to go back to your own home. I know none of us want you to leave, and if your actions have anything to say about it, you don't want to go.

You know as well as I do that things don’t always work the way we want them to, though.  We will be coming to visit you, as much as we can. And we will keep an eye on you. 

YN, please listen to me when I tell you I won’t let anything happen to you. It broke my heart, letting you get hurt once. And I’m not sure what I would have done if Hyung and I weren’t there when you were attacked. 

If you need me, if you need any of us, we will be there. Always.” 

YN curls up in a ball, hugging Yoongi’s hoodie to her chest, breathing in his scent deeply. She knew that he meant every word, that he truly would never let anything happen to her on purpose, but she also felt abandoned by him. By all of them. 

She had spent the last ten weeks of her life talking to Yoongi or Namjoon when she felt bad. Going to Jimin or Taehyung for cuddles when she was lonely. Gaming with Jungkook when she was bored. Laughing with Jin while prepping meals. Doing what little dancing she could with Hobi when she was restless. Laughing as Taehyung insisted on carrying her from one room to another, even once she had healed enough to walk. 

She had spent the last ten weeks evening out their teams when they played games, singing off-key on karaoke nights, fielding Taehyung’s touchiness before he got on Yoongi’s nerves (because for some reason, Tae insisted on trying to cuddle Yoongi at every opportunity), celebrating with them, helping to clean the wolves if there was a fight, stealing blankets off of every surface she could, curling into the side of whoever sat beside her in the name of stealing their boundless warmth.

She had spent ten weeks creating a space for herself in their lives, in their home. And now, it was back to living in a house that was way too big for her, with nobody to keep her accountable. 

It was because of this that she cried herself to sleep, even the sound of Yoongi’s beautiful music filled the room. She missed them, more than anything. She felt like she was crying more than she ever had, and it had only been hours since she left their home.

What YN didn’t know was that the boys were missing her just as much back at their home. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jin had decided to make a fancier meal than usual, because it would take more time and take his mind off of everything, but as he went about getting things done, he couldn’t help but miss seeing YN, perched precariously on the counter, babbling away about this or that as she carefully cut whatever needed to be chopped up. 

He internally cringed as the thought of the time YN had slipped and almost fallen on her hurt ankle, his own quick reflexes being the only thing that had saved her from weeks of extra healing. Honestly, even though it stressed him out to no end to have her cutting things balanced the way she was, it was also something that he had come to expect. Secretly, he wished she had fallen on that ankle, because that would mean she would have still been right there, trying to out-joke the dad joke master himself. 

Jungkook had holed himself away in his room, going to game, setting out a second controller without thinking about it. He had been in the middle of teaching YN how to play his favorite game, so that they could properly play together instead of having her just watch him play all the time. It felt wrong for him to have to just put away that second controller. 

The feeling was just exasperated when he went to start the game and it came up with the section that they had been working through. Fondly, Jungkook remembered the way YN would bring her bottom lip between her teeth as she concentrated on doing things correctly, bouncing in her seat when she finally figured out how something worked. Despite the fond memories, he found himself close to tears, staring at that second controller. 

Jimin and Hobi both went to the studio, deciding to dance away the hurt. Without thinking, Hobi went to ask YN what song they should freestyle to, the words dying in his throat as he turned around to talk to the girl that just wasn’t there. Jimin can see just how much pain Hobi is in, not even speaking as he brings the slightly taller man into his arms, feeling the same sense of loss. 

They sunk down to the floor, neither of them wanting to talk, which in itself was strange for the two normally boisterous men. Jimin missed the feeling of having YN curled up beside him, stealing his heat. Hobi missed being able to talk to her about the dances he was doing, getting a perspective from someone who didn’t really know anything about dance. They missed her. 

They didn’t realize until that moment, when the two were both trying to get the same sort of comfort from each other that they had begun to seek out YN for, how much of a hole there was in their group. Sure, they had been just fine before YN, and would be fine again without her, but there was a comfort with her that they didn’t know how to replace. Things just weren’t the same.

Taehyung busied himself with a book that Namjoon had been recommending to him about one artist that he recently found, but he couldn’t focus on the words or pictures in front of him. Instead, his mind was preoccupied with the fact that, for the past two months, he had spent this lazy time in the afternoon helping YN get from place to place, laughing with her as the others did this or that. He missed those moments, with YN laughing in his arms or on his back, even though it shouldn’t have been long enough for those feelings to settle in. 

He closed the book, flopping down onto the sofa he had settled on and trying not to think too hard about what he could have been doing with YN. If he was being honest with himself, he liked having someone who was so small and easily carried around, because he liked feeling big and important in comparison to her. It was an added bonus that her personality meshed so well with his own, and that she seemed to just understand  the weirder parts of his personality, instead of being put off by them like so many others. 

Sure, he was one of the largest of the pack, but that didn’t mean he felt like it. By wolf standards, he was pretty close to normal, but for whatever reason, he loved the way YN would curl into his side when they were seated next to each other, mumbling about being cold, looking absolutely tiny in comparison to his own body. 

Or how she’d sigh dramatically whenever she had to stand to do something, hopping around the room and never asking for help, despite the fact Taehyung would be the first to jump up and whisk her off her feet completely, just carrying her to wherever it was she needed to be, chiding her for not asking for the help she so clearly needed. 

Namjoon decided to go to the library, curling up in the chair that YN usually occupied in the mornings before everyone else woke up. His mind was swirling, automatically analyzing why he felt the way he did, instead of really feeling those feelings. Absently, he stroked the spine of the book that YN had been reading, a soft smile gracing his face when he realized that it was the one he had recommended when she was still completely bedridden during those first few days. 

He glanced down at the small table beside the chair, realizing for the first time that YN had left a little notebook under the book. He picks it up, flipping through it and quickly realizing that she had been taking notes over things she was eager to discuss with him, which should have made him happy, but in reality just made him feel worse because she wasn’t there to actually follow through. 

Namjoon chuckled to himself as he imagined YN, absolutely tiny in the chair, curled up in one of the fluffy blankets she always seemed to be wrapped up in, lovingly devouring the book that he had recommended to her, scribbling notes onto her notepad for later. He realized absently that he had missed one of the ways that she showed her growing love and appreciation for him was through this small action, making sure that she knew what she was going to say before their discussions. Namjoon was surprised when a drop of water fell onto the page in the notebook YN had marked, not realizing until he sniffled that it was his own tears. 

Yoongi locked himself up in his Genius Lab as soon as YN was in the car, headphones on as he did this or that to the song he had been working on. He tried to ignore the fact that he couldn’t hear the soft clicks of a keyboard behind him. He tried to ignore the sinking feeling of being lonely.

 He had never once felt lonely in his studio, not before he started letting YN hang out on the couch as he worked.

 Not until he got used to spinning around in his chair and seeing YN there, typing away on her laptop. He remembered hearing her little sighs of frustration or exasperation when something doesn’t work out quite right, her brow furrowed, her tongue sticking out slightly, with a growing fondness.

Yes, Yoongi liked being alone. He enjoyed the silence, he enjoyed his own company. He had always liked being alone, it was how he recharged. And it wasn’t until he let YN into his most private sanctum that he had ever really felt lonely. 

It wasn’t until Jin rounded all of them up for dinner that they realized that every single one of them were missing YN. 

“This is bullshit.” 

Yoongi is the one who speaks, heads turning towards him. None of them had really been in the mood for much talking, but none of them had figured Yoongi, of all people, would be the one to break the tense silence. 

“What, I know you’re all thinking it too. This is bullshit.” Yoongi glares at his plate, taking a deep breath before he looks up at the others. 

“None of us wanted YN to leave. YN didn’t want to leave. And now we are all miserable.” Yoongi stands now, not bothering to push in the chair he had been sitting on. 

“I don’t care what any of you do. I don’t care what the consequences are. I’m going to YN’s.” Yoongi’s eyes sweep the faces of the six boys he loves the most, a fiery intensity radiating off of him in a way that has them all flinching away from him. 

“Yoongi you can’t ju-” Namjoon starts, standing and going over to try to calm Yoongi down, but a sharp growl from Yoongi makes him stop in his tracks. 

“No!” Yoongi’s voice drops an octave as he steps closer to Namjoon himself, squaring up with the leader in a way that could very easily lead to a fight.

 “You know as well as I do Alpha,” Yoongi spits the word like it’s acid on his tongue. “she smells like one of us. She has our scent all over her. If they find out we let her go, that we aren’t around her all the time anymore, they’re going to kill her.” 

Namjoon opens his mouth to say something, anger bubbling up in him like a cursed well, when Jin stands, pushing himself between the two Alphas. 

“Both of you! Stop it!” Jin stands, making sure each of them are an arm’s length away from each other. “We all miss YN, but there’s a reason she’s not here. As much as it might seem like it, she isn’t one of us. She doesn’t belong with us.” 

The other boys are all standing now, helping to make sure Yoongi and Namjoon stay away from each other, trying to calm both of them down. A fight between the Alphas would not end well.

“How could you say that?” It’s Hoseok who speaks this time, his voice sounding oddly small. 

“Because it’s been almost a hundred years since there was a lost Omega! You all know how rare they are, seeing how strong the Omega gene is. We knew her uncle, and he didn’t have a lick of wolf in him, even if she managed to somehow get some wolf in her, it can’t be enough for her to be able to pack bond.” Jin flicks his eyes between the other boys, focusing his attention on keeping Namjoon behind him. 

It’s silent for what feels like hours. 

“Then why do I feel like I lost a piece of me, huh?” It’s Taehyung who speaks up this time, his hands clenched into tight fists at his sides, tears rising in his eyes. “Explain that, Hyung.” His voice is barely above a whisper, choked out over a growing lump in his throat. 

“I-” Jin starts, the words dying in his throat as he watches Taehyung turn into the closest person, seeking the comfort of someone else. 

For once, Yoongi opened his arms to Taehyung, glaring at Jin from over the other man’s shoulder, trying to comfort him. 

“I don’t know.” Jin finally admits, his face falling. 

Again, the room falls silent, only the soft sniffles of Taehyung breaking the deafening quiet of the room. 

“I think we all feel the way Tae does, don’t we?” Namjoon speaks for the first time in a while, the anger he had felt having finally subsided almost completely. There are nods from everyone. 

“The feeling is new, and we don’t want to make a mistake. If we report YN as being lost, she will become a target. If we don’t, we will. Let’s wait for at least a week before we approach her again.” Namjoon eyes the others in the room. “But let’s keep patrols heavy in her part of the woods.” 

Yoongi glares at Namjoon, thoughts swirling. A whole week without YN, knowing that she’s in pain being away from them? It sounded like downright torture to him. 

“Yoongi, Hyung, you know how big of a deal it is to be the pack with a lost Omega. She’ll become a target, just because she can’t handle half as much as we can. It’d be easy to not only to just kill her, but to break her spirit, to force her to tell them about our weaknesses as a pack. She’d have to be with at least one of us almost all the time, have to live with us. She’d have to give up big parts of her freedom, and the YN we know wouldn’t enjoy that at all.” Namjoon pauses, taking a deep breath. 

“We have to be sure before we approach her with this. For all we know, she won’t ever fully present and YN isn’t really one of the lost at all.” Namjoon brings a hand up to rub at his temple, a headache starting from the strong mix of emotions. 

Yoongi sighs, Taehyung finally detaching himself from the smaller man as Yoongi runs a hand through his hair. 

“You’re right Joon. I know you’re right.” He lets out another, more exasperated sigh before he continues, “It’s just hard, ya know? Waiting another week feels like torture, because I know, I know, that YN is hurting. And we caused it.” 

The other boys nod, giving murmurs of agreement as they start to dissipate, their meal forgotten as they begin to retreat again. For whatever reason, even the most other-person oriented of the pack wanted to be alone, wanted to have a minute to process everything that was going on by themselves. 

“Jin, Yoongi. Can we go talk further in the office? We need to actually figure out what to do next.” Namjoon catches Jin by the shoulder before he walks out of the room, reaching for Yoongi as well, even though he was across the room. 

Yoongi just nods, Jin letting out a short hum of approval. The trio then turn in unison, heading out towards the office space that Namjoon used so often. 

[miraculouscontent]

Askplosion #11:

(note that I know I mentioned a “Voiced Askplosion” last time in the tags for anyone who put a 🎤 in their ask, meaning they wanted to hear me respond verbally to it, but I only got one and it wasn’t anything serious - just a tease from someone I know - so I either won’t be doing it at all or will be holding off)

Asks responding to previous posts:

ALYA NO!!!

(the idea of Sabrina avoiding not only Ms. Mendeleiev, but also Alya, is very amusing to me)

The fact that the special focuses on the love square instead of Sabrina and Delmar is a crime.

(also note that “Need some help?” is rhetorical in this context; Alya doesn’t care)

Highly recommended, honestly, otherwise it just turns into a big shame because there are shows I really like but with some content that I don’t like, and why torture myself with it when I can cut it out instead?

Just to give a rough idea, here’s my cut of “Desperada”; mind you, this is just my quick cut of it (basically a “beta” version where I just removed everything I disliked without much care for transitioning/having everything make sense; some of Marinette’s friends talking, the guitar scene, Aspik, etcetera), as I’m not comfortable handing over my “perfect” cut of it since it’s like my personal copy.

Yeah, that’s a super awkward scene. As much as I’d like to imagine that Adrien just doesn’t understand the “guy time” thing (which I still hate), the fact that they use the word “guy” specifically is--ugh.

I wasn’t aware of what he said in the French dub, so thanks! It’s really painful to see her throw so much love his way, openly and publicly and obviously, then be so humiliated for it, only for Adrien to feel nothing for her.

Say whatever you want about Chat Noir’s advances and how sAAAAAAD he is when she rejects him, but her rejections are just that; in private. There aren’t other heroes who are around and Chat is never really humiliated. Even in “Prime Queen,” Chat wasn’t the target - Ladybug was, and then Ladybug shifted it to Nadja - so Marinette is the one taking all the heat in love while Chat gets to sit on the sidelines (plus, then “Oblivio” happened and now people probably all thing they’re a thing).

Yeah! That’s the group I was thinking of!

Thank you!

I’m so sorry that happened. ;—;

I’m not aro but I am ace and I’ve gotten the whole, “oh it’s just because--” stuff before, so I know what it feels like to have people put on the pressure/invalidate you.

YES.

IT’S GORGEOUS.

I’m not really familiar with how holidays are celebrated outside of the bare basics of Christmas/New Year (which I am trying my hardest to forget lol), so I couldn’t say.

Sorry!

New Asks:

10/10 thought, would fantasize again.

Though would also accept MC Audrey just doing some “spring cleaning” of the whole staff in general. I have no idea how she’d replace Jeremy since he’s the company’s poster boy but most of the writers have to go at the very least and Jeremy should be given less power.

I think MC Audrey would appreciate how Kagami carries herself, though potential bonus if - while Tom and Sabine just openly trust whatever Marinette wants - Audrey does a bunch of digging to make sure Kagami is “worthy” of being with Marinette (she takes this all very seriously).

Double potential bonus if Kagami takes it just as seriously, so here’s Audrey and Kagami acting as if Kagami dating Marinette is like some sort of job interview.

Kagami handing over a “resume” of her accomplishments to Audrey. Audrey has already looked all of it up herself but appreciates the effort put in.

If the question in Miraculous is, “Do we really need a--” and the thing being introduced is something the staff came up with then the answer is usually “no.”

The movie will look pretty and that’s all I’ll expect. It’s just Jeremy’s take on Miraculous. Luka and Kagami probably won’t even be around so I’m not even interested.

I’ll watch it, but I’m also not interested lol.

Honestly, I’d rather turn into bubble froth.

oddly specific but... I mean, damn

I have no idea, and I try not to throw around words like “spite ship” because I know people could genuinely like the ship, though I will say that I went on AO3 and - unless I read from - the first Maribat fanfiction on there was posted after the airdate of “Chameleon.” I think it might’ve started with inspiration from “Marinette moves schools” ideas at the very least.

Non-Miraculous Asks responding to previous posts:

Oh, I understood, no worries! It was just funny for the split second it took me to figure it out.

My bad, that’s not how I meant to come off (especially since “magical girl shows” is a little broad; I mean, obviously I don’t think something like Cardcaptor Sakura is aiming for fanservice when Sakura’s--like... ten). I answered all those asks in the last askplosion in the same day so my brain was a little fried by the time I got to that ask.

I’m not even talking about Sailor Moon either; it’s just that I knew there are shows with fanservice and there are certain magical girl outfits where I kind of give the side-eye.

Absolutely zero problem with girls fighting in pretty outfits though. I fully admit that I’m a bit of a prude so sometimes I see fanservice where there might not be any. Super short skirts without shorts, for example, inherently throw me off (shout-out to Saint Tail - which I discovered while looking up “pretty magical girl outfits” - because the main character does have a skirt in “magical girl” form but also tights/boots and a cute hat, which is one of the more unique ones I’ve seen).

Non-Miraculous Asks:

Do you mean Sailor Moon Crystal? Yeah, the only reason I hesitate on Sailor Moon in general is because I’m not crazy about the transformed designs. It’s not really a matter of animation but more a design choice that takes me out of the experience.

I have seen all of Cardcaptor Sakura anime though, and then all of the Clear Card arc. I like the former, despise the latter, and I tried to keep up with the manga but once one of the big plot details were revealed, I officially dropped it.

As for Revolutionary Girl Utena, I looked it up a while ago and don’t remember what exactly turned me away. It might’ve been the darker tone though if what you say is accurate that it’s a darker take on a magical girl show.

Also, I may or may not have looked up the ending of at least Princess Tutu and I’m sorry, I’m sure it’s a great anime, but if there isn’t a happy ending then I give whatever anime a hard pass.

(note: yes, I realize the hilarity of saying that when I continue watching Miraculous)

-

(More Madoka Magica talk/salt below!)

Ohhh, it started a trend? I had no idea since I don’t actively keep up with every anime out there; descriptions need to really pull me in (the only current anime I’m keeping up with is Hanyou no Yashahime, Otherside Picnic, and Cells at Work (Season 2)).

The focus on specific--uh--body parts in magical girl transformations also reminds me that I think that’s usually what kills it for me, not because of the sexualization but because I expect transformations (especially ones that get repeated over and over) to be really dynamic with changing angles and such, which is harder to do when the camera is trying to draw focus to specific places.

Obviously you have to do it for some moments (I’ve always imagined Miraculous transformations like a potential sheep or another one for rabbit, then rabbit!Jean from Leave for Mendeleiev and fox!Juleka from LadyBugOut) because things will be weird if you focus on nothing, but I think there are ways to draw the eye without trying to sexualize.

Not having Ladybug-esque bodysuits is a good start. It reminds me too much of the Catwoman with just a bodysuit so it leaves nothing to the imagination.

How did I forget about that Sayaka scene? omg (though I dunno if the Bechdel Test is hard to pass if there aren’t really any endgame male love interests? are there rules about that? not saying a pass isn’t a pass but it feels like cheating)

It is nice when fans can respect the opinions of others without having to outright attack. I have had a few people come to me with, “I see your point/respect it even if I disagree,” instead of accusing me/others of--well, you get it.

Fandoms can be really messy, particularly as they get larger. I think there’s a certain balance between small fandoms that all know each other and a big fandom that’s out of control. Then there are things like “loud minority” and it’s just uggggh.

Anyway, back to the asks themselves, yeah, I’m not crazy about taking things that are just meant to be positive/cute/whatever and being like, “OKAY BUT WHAT IF IT WAS EDGY AND SAD.”

n o ,  p l z

Oh, I’ve never heard of that one!

Sayaka dying didn’t really do anything for me either. It’s hard to explain when I saw it so long ago, but it was just Sayaka’s attitude about the whole thing and it made it feel underwhelming. It was a shame too because I liked her and she had potential.

She was Madoka’s friend so I was just like, “Yeah, she’ll die soon.” Probably didn’t help since I knew what I knew about the show being “dark.”

Madoka/Sayaka is probably what I’d support the most out of all the potential shoujo ai ships. To my knowledge, none of them are really canon, though I remember a special song after the death Sayaka and Kyoko which I guess makes them the most canon and that did basically nothing for me since their relationship didn’t interest me (nor did I care for Kyoko as a character). The PSP game might have more intimate potential between the girls, but I never played them so I can’t make those claims (I only remember something about everyone potentially living and then a bad ending for Sayaka where part of her body was decayed when they didn’t get her soul gem back in time).

The tomboy argument makes me think back to a conversation with a friend of mine where we were discussing tomboys in anime and... we couldn’t really think of any? At least any that really qualify as “tomboy” for me.

Like, Misty from Pokemon, for example. I knoooooow everyone really likes Misty, but regardless of my opinion on her, it’s hard to see her as a tomboy.

I feel like they try to lean that way by making her super aggressive and violent (because... m E N) and I think Ash makes a comment once about her not being “like a girl,” but... I feel like that’s just how general “aggressive” female characters are written?

I mean, that’s tsundere female characters I’ve seen in general. Really loud (and not in a “gIrlS aRe sO lOuD aND ScReEcHY” way but like... the way anime gives them big heads while they scream at whatever male character they’re mad at), angry a lot, short fuse, etcetera.

But Misty is still crazy about clothes and dolls, she still gushes about cute things and romance, and both of those things seem pretty indicative of what “standard girl character” would be defined by, since they’re all “stereotypically girl thing” (I say stereotypically for obvious reasons since boys can like blah and girls can like blah and gender exclusivity is blah--). I get that she dresses differently, but that’s about it, and it comes off like, “she dresses differently and she’s ANGRY and VIOLENT, so she’s a tomboy,” which... yeah. They even gave her three beauty queen sisters with CURVES and BUSTS as if to say, “See?? These are GIRLS, not TOMBOYS.” (busty females can exist who are also tomboys, thank you have a nice day).

This becomes more complicated in magical girl anime since girly clothes are usually part of that so “tomboy” means that frills and skirts probably wouldn’t be a factor.

I mean, if you gave those sorts of outfits to me, I’d be like, “SCREW IT, I’M NOT A MAGICAL GIRL ANYMORE. IF LOOKING PRETTY IS REDUCED TO SKIRTS AND FRILLS, SOMEONE ELSE CAN SAVE THE WORLD.”

I’d also like to see some mixes between personalites and “tomboy” things. Like, non-stereotypical tomboy personalities doing tomboy things. Mix and match, y’know?

This was really rambly, but to answer the question... no, I wouldn’t count Sayaka as a tomboy.

All of this.

I think it also exemplifies the whole “dark and edgy magical girl show” thing because... ugh, how do I put this...

The “girls are overly emotional” thing is already bad, but then you realize that there not being any magical boys is also because that doesn’t hit the “shock value” threshold as much.

Y’know, because boys equal dark and edgy shows, so if there was even one magical boy it wouldn’t be as shocking when Mami gets her head chomped. They could’ve done, “emotional teenagers are the target because they’re in that vulnerable stage; smarter and more physically capable than children, but not as mature/stable as adults,” but having some boys in there for balance (it makes me feel weird saying that when I’m all for girl power shows with an all female cast, but in this show’s logic, it’s a different ball game) would make the show seem less bright and “girly” and thus lessen the shock value.

Does that make sense?

[captain-of-the-historicfuture]

~hello~ !! For the meta asks!: 3, 6, 9, 12, 15, 18, 21, 24, and 25 :))

Hello!! Thank you for sending these; I was really excited to see that ask game and I was hoping somebody would send some in. It still took me a while to actually answer them though, and for that I apologise. But without further ado! Some meta answers (under the cut because they ended up being fairly long, whoops):

3. What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (Consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway.)

I thought of a few examples, but they could basically be grouped together under a common theme: whumpy/angsty scenes that were self-indulgent as all heck. The whole self-indulgent aspect often required the characters to be just the teeniest, tiniest bit OOC and/or necessitated rather unrealistic plot circumstances. So it was simply easier to keep such scenes as maladaptive daydreams, rather than trying to think of explanations for the character/plot issues…or exposing myself to judgement for them LOL.

Receiving permission to write/share one such scene anyway is an opportunity I can’t let slip by though. It might be because I’m writing this while running on zero (0) hours of sleep—let’s hear it for insomnia, y’all!—but I suddenly couldn’t remember any of my newer ideas under this category. However, I did recall a one-shot I had started writing a couple of months ago that sort of counts? “Sort of” because I could actually be arsed to write it since I was, ya know, writing it. Only got about six hundred words down though.

…should I share those six hundred words…?

………nahhh. I don’t think I’m quite ready for that yet.

But here’s the gist of it: Coulson and May (because of course it’s Philinda) were married for quite some time before the Attack on New York. But then Coulson DiedTM and then got ResurrectedTM. But gasp of horror, he had to lose his memories of his romantic relationship with May because reasons. (I actually did have some ideas for those reasons but sshhhh this is about me yeeting context and setup.)

The first half of S1 still happens as normal (except MayWard doesn’t happen because??? Vows) and it’s now post-E20 “Nothing Personal”. The morning after (or a morning soon after, whatever) the T.A.H.I.T.I. reveal! May’s mom—who doesn’t know about GH.325 and whom May fed a cover story about Coulson divorcing her or something equally as oof, IDK—shows up at the hotel and starts ripping into Coulson for breaking her daughter’s heart, then dragging her back into the field with her ex-husband (him), then accusing her of terrible things and forcing her away again.

Poor guy’s confused as heck, and so is the team, and soon enough so is Lian. The only one who understands what’s going on is May, and she’s freaking dying off to the side like why is this happening to me and eventually everybody’s like! Explain??? (Was thinking about including something from Coulson like, “Are you still keeping things from me?” Just for that extra smidge of angst, yay!)

So yeah then May gives a, like, two-sentence debriefing that elicits more questions than answers. Coulson decides to take May aside and they have a heart-to-heart. Lots of feelings and angst and hurt/comfort and at some point plenty of kissing too. Just! May hiding her feelings for Coulson’s sake but really magnified, plus some actual apologies and consideration of the grief May’s been through on Coulson’s part.

And uhh yeah that’s basically it I dunno hdsjncjshd. I warned y’all it’s OOC, plot-bendy, and very self-indulgent!

6. What character do you have the most fun writing?

I don’t think I could name a single character for this. I get different things out of taking on different voices, you know? I guess recently I’ve found myself gravitating towards more taciturn and introspective points of view, like JQ from my original novel Rosewood or M. Yisbon from my…other original novel Temple.

Generally, however, I like tackling stories from an outsider’s perspective. That’s why I so rarely write my more “substantial” (serious? demanding? for lack of better words?) projects from the PoV of my “preferred” character. This usually means writing from their love interest’s perspective, but not always. With shorter fanfic, using a more removed/unconventional/niche PoV can be really fun. Like, I once wrote a canon compliant ficlet purely(-ish) about Philinda from Tony Stark’s perspective. That isn’t always sustainable with stories that demand more character development or closer character studies, however, which is why it’s a good thing I like writing drabbles!

9. Are you more of a drabble or a longfic kind of writer? Pantser or plotter? Do you wish you were the other?

My word counts tend to run long, but I usually only write one-shots for fanfic. If I’m even inspired with a novella- or novel-length story idea for a fandom, you already know I’m in deep with them. And if I actually find the motivation to plan and execute that idea? Dangg. That’s only ever happened…twice, maybe thrice, and I’m in a lot of fandoms.

At times, I wish I could go for more of a middle ground ’cause, like, you know what I love to see? An AO3 dashboard with several completed novellas for my ship/character of choice. I mean yes, I hecking love >90k fics, but sometimes I’m in the mood for quick reads…and what am I supposed to do when I burn through all the drabbles and 2k one-shots? (Besides despair and/or reread my faves desperately.) Novellas are basically always safe for me LOL, and I’d hope to be able to give as much as I take.

Ultimately though, I think I’m okay with where I am with regards to that. I wish I could write more in general, but I’d be okay with “writing more” just meaning “writing more one-shots”, ya know? More than okay, really. I have mad respect for fic writers who have, like, a hundred or more one-shots under their belt for this one ship. The fandom ecosystem would be incomplete without them (as well as every other type of writer, but sshhh that’s the type of writer I’m closest to being right now).

I’m definitely a plotter, and I definitely prefer it that way. It’s cool having such a detailed record of my process. I like feeling like a frazzled genius on the brink of a major discovery with all of my different outlines and colour coding and many drafts and various websites.

12. Do you want your writing to be famous?

Not exactly. It might be cool if my original works were recognisable in the world, but I don’t think I’d want to be recognisable. As for fanfic, I’d low-key enjoy gaining a place in that fandom’s community as a fic writer. Like someone who gave and got fic gifts from fic writer friends, who participated in challenges and GCs, who received writing prompts on Tumblr, whose name was known for doing a certain trope/genre a bunch of times… Ya know what I mean?

Unlikely to happen when I’m so hecking hesitant to publicly (i.e., outside of AO3) claim credit for my writing, but fjnskfsjhfjs. A writer can dream, right?

15. Which is harder: titles or summaries (or tags)?

Of those three, tags are the easiest for me, for I have a reliable system for figuring out those.

Next easiest would probably be titles. For fanfiction, I like to use titles that are a quote from the source material. You should have seen all of my old Hamilton fanfic… I was really proud of some of those titles. And I don’t mean, like, whole lines—usually only two to five words. It’s a unique type of wordplay that I just love dabbling in.

And lastly, summaries. Sometimes inspiration strikes me and a snappy and intriguing synopsis just jumps out—one that I’m quietly pleased with—but most of the time I’ll spend way too long trying to think of such a synopsis and eventually just go with whatever I’d come up with so far. And live with my quiet dissatisfaction for the rest of time.

18. Do any of your stories have alternative versions? (Plotlines that you abandoned, AUs of your own work, different characterisations...?) Tell us about them!

Typically, no. If I have deleted scenes, I save and publish them separately, but that’s about it. I sometimes think of AUs for my own work and might talk about them in my author’s notes—might even talk about writing them—but I never really do anything with them.

Although…

It’s not uncommon for me to decide a plotline isn’t working for a certain story or to think of an interesting but undoable arc for a certain character, but what I’ll do is make a whole new story for those ideas. Once I’m done developing the original idea and the branched-off one, you probably wouldn’t be able to tell they grew from the same roots. Does that count?

21. What other medium do you think your story would work well as (film, webcomic, animated series, etc.)?

That depends on the story. I’ve actually written stories in other mediums—movie screenplay, musical stageplay, poetry, TV show scripts, play scripts, roleplay—but the novel does tend to be my comfort zone. Sometimes, if I have an idea that I think could work, or would even work better, as another medium, I’ll label it as such in my folder of ideas and decide not to write it as a novel.

Most of the time, my non-book projects are collaborations. I’m working with five different people on six different story ideas: two webcomics, one stage musical, one anime, and two animated TV shows. Little concrete progress has been made in any of those, mind you, but they’re still fun to discuss!

24. Would you say your writing has changed over time?

Absolutely. But I’ve been writing stories since I was five years old, so we would hope so, huh?

I wouldn’t say my writing’s changed completely, though maybe that’s just my insider’s perspective.

25. What part of writing is the most fun?

Oh gosh, I can’t believe you’d make me choose. Writing is just such a wonderful experience for me; I love just about everything to do with it. Admittedly, not all the time, but. Since that barely qualifies as an answer, however, I’ll give you this—

The endings. Not only that intense feeling of rightness when you wrap up that last sentence, but also the moments before. The adrenaline of knowing you’re almost there but you gotta push just a bit more to actually get there. And also the part right after—the real wrap-up, honestly: the revision and the editing. Heavens, I love revising and editing my work.

Which is not to say I don’t like writing it out for the first time, too—there’s nothing quite like seeing your cursor scroll to the next page, like going from a blank expanse to a Oh man, how many more lines are even going to fit on this page?, like watching that page counter tick up another number. However, there’s something cathartic about finally ironing out those problems I had to force myself to stop worrying about earlier because “just finish the first draft dangit”.

I guess that’s not really the end of the writing process, but whatever. Close enough (as fic writers are wont to say).

Another thank-you for these asks, and feel free to come back with more at any time! ;P

Send in fun meta asks for your friendly neighbourhood writer!

[imagine-what-would-happen]

A Little Bit of Grey (Part 5 Kylo Ren Fanfiction)

Hey guys! Here is part 5! I try to update both stories every day but its been sort of a difficult time lately, I’m sorry for not updating yesterday! But I’ll be working to post a new chapter for “Since The Beginning” tonight! I hope you all enjoy! Again don’t hesitate to ask to be tagged in future instalments! Hope you all enjoy!

Warning: Mentions of blood and needles. Condescending tone against self injury. Statements of wanting to self harm/ self harming. Swearing.

Words: 1.9k+

Link to Part 4

Link to Part 6

Link to Masterlist

Tags: @dark-night-sky-99​

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kylo pulled against his restraints, he didn’t understand what was happening, he didn’t know how he got here. All he knew was that he was tied up to a cold medical bed aboard the resistance’s ship; this was all he was focusing on at the moment; anything else was just too much at the moment.

“Oh sweetie, you’re just going to hurt yourself. You’re too pretty to get yourself hurt” Neira stated in a condescending tone. She walked around the room toying with the medical supplies. It was strange seeing a supposed member of the resistance being so cold. Usually, all of them that he encountered were so warm and bright... being on the light side and all. If Kylo had assessed her based on her personality he would have pinned her for a member of the First Order.

The skin around his wrists was starting to tear, blood pushing through the irritated area. Neira was playing around with a needle, tapping it to take out the air bubbles. “So what are you planning on doing with me? Huh? You the one person on the light side who can torture me for information? Or does the resistance still not work that way?” He questioned, his eyes squeezed shut through the pain.

Neira scoffed, “Oh sweetie if you want me to hurt you, all you have to do is ask.” She smirked and winked at Kylo. He felt disgusted. She looked like Andy, sounded like her, but... it definitely wasn’t her. This wasn’t the girl he was going to leave everything else he knew for.

“Lets just cut to the chase, shall we?” She dropped the needle onto the table and walked back over to the tied up Kylo. “You want to know what happened, how I know you, where your precious girlfriend is, although... can you really call her your girlfriend?” She shrugged sarcastically. “Eh, doesn’t really matter I guess.”

Kylo looked on at the woman before him, silent, sweat dripping down him. He did want to know what happened. His head was killing him with the questions racing through his mind, he needed to know.

“Alright well..” Neira pulled a rolling stool over. “I came aboard the Supremacy around - hmmm.. I would say a few weeks after Cammie’s training began. Yeah, it was about then.” She looked over to an obviously confused Kylo. “Oh right, the time that you knew her for... she didn’t have a name... didn’t know where she was from right?” She sighed, “I’ll get to that. All you have to know is that her real name is Cammila... everyone here knows her by Cammie. But anyway, I came aboard... You know you guys really should up your security, that was way too easy.” She laughed softly as if recalling an old memory but then rolled her eyes.

“I got a few of my friends to take Cammie and I took her place, got the hang of everything fairly quickly, you guys really do have fairly basic training. No wonder your guys suck at shooting.”

Kylo was more lost than ever, looking down. If Neira... If she came aboard the Supremacy only a few weeks into Andy- Cam- ugh... the girl... if Neira came aboard the ship then... everything on the Silencer was a lie. It meant nothing, and he looked like an idiot. No wonder it had seemed so easy with her, it wasn’t real. He felt a pit in his stomach growing, he felt he would fall into it, drown in its darkness as he did so long ago when joining the First Order.

“Why doesn’t she remember her name...” Kylo whispered, trying to hold the tear that would throw him over the edge, he wanted to push his wrist more into the restrains, that pain was a hundred times better than the realization coming over him.

“It’s a new idea the resistance came up with... Cammie was one of us, she volunteered for the experiment, she said she could do it. It was fairly easy finding something that would erase her memory completely.” Neira looked down at her hands, seemingly completely unfazed by the topic at hand.

“Is she not your sister?” Kylo spat, “Don’t you care that she doesn’t know who you are? Don’t you care what you put her through?” He studied her, how could two people, two siblings be so completely different. He thought back to his mother and uncle. Sure they were different, but not to this extent.

“Of course I care,” Neira met his eyes and stood, showing her dominance. “But, its the resistance that matters, everyone’s lives are at stake here and she's the one who volunteered to do it.” Neira turned around. “I tried to talk her out of it.” She whispered, putting a hand to her arm, seeming to try to comfort herself, then in an instant turned around, “You think you know her but you don’t! You don’t know anything about her. You don’t know what makes her scream awake at night. You don’t know what her dreams are... You. Do. Not. Know. Her.” She spat every word.

“The sister you knew is gone.” Kylo retorted, “You made sure of that”. He watched her, and suddenly realized how idiotic he was. In all his confusion and storm of emotions, he hadn’t even attempted at using the Force. He had tried severely to remind himself not to use the Force on... on the girl. The fact that Neira looks exactly like her must have kept his instincts in line. The one time he should have lost control. He groaned internally. Time to show what he was made of.

“Untie me.” He whispered the words while looking directly at Neira.

“What was that..?” She asked stepping closer.

“You will untie me,” Kylo demanded in a breathy but louder voice.

Neira sighed and rolled her eyes, obviously tired of Kylo. “Kylo Ren. You may have abilities in the Force, but one thing you forget is that those mind games... they work on the weak of mind.” She touched his cheek almost sweetly. “I am so much more than that.” She pulled away and walked towards the door, hips swaying. “Goodnight you discount Sith” She called back, and then she was gone.

Kylo laid his head back and grit his teeth. What were they planning on doing with him? He tried to stretch out the cramp he was getting in his neck. What were they doing to do to the girl? He refused to call her by her previous resistance name, that wasn’t her anymore. He wasn’t even sure if it was the truth, although it would make sense why they would erase her memory. If they knew about Kylo having Force abilities, which most everyone did, he could easily read her mind and know why she was there... they would have never gotten close.

The way he felt about the girl... was it still real even if her memory was wiped, completely becoming someone else...? Would he still have fallen for the person she was before? He wasn’t even sure at this point if she had ever showed any affection for him. He felt so empty, nothing mattered now... He just wanted to get back to the Supremacy and blow up these good for nothing criminals. He bit his lip fiercely, drawing blood, the same as the first time he saw the girl.

The way she moved that day... the rage and pure force. She wasn’t afraid to do what needed to be done... except for when it came to killing someone. Was that a trait she had in her old self? He sighed and closed his eyes. It didn’t matter anymore.

The sound of something getting knocked over is what woke up the commander. He squinted, reaching to rub his eyes but then wincing at the still irritated wound and dried blood around his wrists. Fuck. He was here. It wasn’t a dream. He groaned, then letting out a breath of air he tried to look around again.

Through the bright white lights he saw a young girl at the medical station across from him. “Hold on.. I’ll be with you in just a second.” She mumbled and put some more instruments onto a trolley and began rolling it over closer to him. “Good morning Mister Ren.” She said quietly but professionally.

Kylo was quite confused. Why was such a young girl using medical equipment and why the hell did she call him mister Ren? “Uh.. Hi.” He said softly. “Who are you?” He questioned hesitantly.

“I’m your care taker...” She sat down on the rolling stool and searched for the items she needed.

“Okay, listen kid. I know you wanna play doctor but I’m actually hurt, you could cause more damage than good.” Kylo stated, he didn’t have time for this.

The girl wasn’t fazed by what he said. “First off, you can call me Doctor M. Second off, I’m the one who patches up the guys who you shoot at, and I’m the reason they get back on their feet.” She looked back up at an uneasy Kylo. “So what, kids on your planet can levitate rocks and mind control people but can’t put a bandaid on a cut? Get over yourself.”

Kylo seriously needed a reality check about the resistance. What happened to all the warm happy people? Everyone here was angry, sassy, and cold.

The girl began disinfecting Kylo’s wounds, and he couldn’t help wincing. He was so used to being spoiled by the medical facilities aboard the Supremacy, they would numb any wound before doing anything else to it. The girl chuckled softly, “You guys really are just stories aren’t you?” She looked up at him and then back down at her work.

“What do you mean?” He raised a brow.

“I mean, you guys fight with friggan lightsabers and blasters, constantly surviving battle after battle with each other and yet you’re in pain from a few cuts and bruises. I just find it funny.” She smiled. “It’s good to know the bad guys are human too.”

Kylo sighed, “You know we’re really not that bad.” The girl looked up at him with an are you kidding me look, “Okay...” He nodded at her. “I’m not that bad... hows that?” He tried.

“Well, the fact that the resistance hasn’t killed you yet, and the fact that you haven’t killed me yet would probably seem to make that statement true.” She stated matter of factly.

Kylo was more than taken aback. “Why would I kill you?” He looked down at the child.

“Maybe you’re having a bad day? Maybe you’re having a tantrum?” She shrugged. “You guys don’t ever have a real reason to kill anyone do you?” She looked up at him accusingly.

“Wha- yes we do.” He scoffed.

“Then how is it that the resistance doesn’t do that unless its in an actual battle and yet they’re still here?” The girl starred at him, he didn’t have a response. She was actually on to something, though he wouldn’t acknowledge it. “Thats what I thought” She sighed and stood up, pulling her trolley back to the station to dispose of everything.

She took a breath, leaning onto the counter with her hands stabilizing herself, “If everyone just sat down and talked everything out, maybe this war would be over even quicker than it started...” I don’t get what is so hard about it?

Kylo let out a soft sight, often enough he thought about the same. Things were far too complicated in this life.

[hooded-rogue-a]

—    BASICS.

▸     IS    YOUR    MUSE    TALL    /    SHORT    /    AVERAGE ?

He’s a tall boy - 6′2″ (188cm)

▸      ARE    THEY    OKAY    WITH    THEIR    HEIGHT ?

He is, yeah. 

Aside from the fact it really helps with being intimidating at times (he’s a tall sneaky boy with glowing eyes), it also helps him when it comes to climbing and chasing. 

The only time he really has an issue with his height is when he has to be stealthy in small spaces. He has to wiggle an awful lot sometimes and that is neither fun nor dignified.

▸      WHAT’S    THEIR    HAIR    LIKE ?

Colour: Black

Condition: thicker when young, thinner when older

Younger: close cropped on the back and sides, longer on the top, fringe fell between his eyes

Older: longer, stops mid-neck, majority is swept to the right, short fringe (occasionally) falls over his right eye (he wants his scar - across the opposite eye - to be on show)

▸     DO    THEY    SPEND    A    LOT    OF    TIME    ON    THEIR    HAIR     /    GROOMING ?

Hair: no. 

He wears a hood 90% of the time so it gets messed up anyway, but even when he doesn’t he can’t stop himself from running his hand through his hair so it’s sort of pointless to put effort in to it. That, and he mainly tries to avoid people so it’s not like anyone is going to see whether or not he put effort in.

Beard: yes.

He likes to keep his beard short - slightly longer than stubble - and uniform. People CAN see that, whether he has his hood up or not - and he doesn’t want anyone to think the Order has low expectations in regards to the grooming standards of its soldiers.

▸      DOES   YOUR   MUSE   CARE   ABOUT   THEIR   APPEARANCE   /   WHAT    OTHERS    THINK ?

Not really.

He has a job to do and that job usually has him away from civilisation for long periods of time. He cares more when he’s making an appearance at a Circle, Fort or other official building, but out in the wilds he has more important things to worry about. 

But in regards to his armour/anything with the Order’s emblem on it, he will maintain that to a high standard. He’s proud of the Seekers, even after everything went wrong. 

Obviously everyone would in this case, but if he ends up meeting the Divine/Lord Seeker/anyone else deserving of respect (and where he’d have to remove his hood) then he puts a LOT more effort in. 

—    PREFERENCES.

▸     INDOORS    OR    OUTDOORS ?

▸     RAIN    OR    SUNSHINE ?

▸     FOREST    OR    BEACH ?  

▸     PRECIOUS    METALS   OR    GEMS ?   

▸     FLOWERS    OR    PERFUMES ?  

▸     PERSONALITY    OR    APPEARANCE ?  

▸     BEING    ALONE   OR    BEING    IN    A    CROWD ?  

▸     ORDER    OR    ANARCHY ?  

▸     PAINFUL    TRUTHS    OR    WHITE    LIES ? 

▸     SCIENCE    OR    MAGIC ?   

▸     PEACE    OR    CONFLICT ?  

▸     NIGHT    OR    DAY ?  

▸     DUSK    OR    DAWN ?  

▸     WARMTH    OR    COLD ?  

▸     MANY   ACQUAINTANCES    OR   A    FEW    CLOSE    FRIENDS ?       

▸     READING   OR    PLAYING    A    GAME ?

—    QUESTIONNAIRE.

▸      WHAT    ARE    SOME    OF    YOUR    MUSE’S    BAD    HABITS ?          

He isolates himself a lot, both physically and emotionally. I understand why he does it, but it puts unnecessary strain on his mental well being. Between being a Seeker - an Order which is infamous for being stoic and cold - and knowing there’re people who have it worse than him, Asher tends to just bottle everything up and try bury any emotions he may have. 

He avoids sleep whenever he can. He’s tired of all the nightmares and the nights spent staring at the ceiling/sky could have been much better utilised. He knows he needs sleep but doesn’t trust his head, so he just works himself to exhaustion, passes out for a few hours, then goes again the next day. The gifts from his Vigil prevent the lack of sleep from having any negative impact on his fighting capabilities so he genuinely doesn’t see a problem with his “routine”. 

▸      HAS    YOUR    MUSE    LOST    ANYONE    CLOSE    TO    THEM ?      HOW    HAS    IT    AFFECTED    THEM

He watched his father figure and Seeker mentor - Byron - die in front of him when he was still fairly young. It broke him. It reignited a hatred for mages that took years to control; it made him even more withdrawn from the world and it made him emotionally unstable, to the point that he turned his back on his best friend. Even decades later he still feels the impact of losing the only male role model he had in his life, and the constant flashbacks of him holding his mentor in his arms as the breath left his body still haunts him. 

▸   WHAT    ARE    SOME    FOND    MEMORIES    YOUR    MUSE    HAS ?  

The only fond memories he has are from his youth, everything from 26+ has just been death, betrayal and war. 

He remembers the Sisters and Mother at Ostwick Chantry smiling and laughing as he pretended to be a Templar; as he marched around the building and “stood guard” during the quiet hours. 

He remembers them singing to him when he was poorly or scared or just angry and confused at being abandoned by his biological family. Their voices were so calming and beautiful they stayed with him all his life. 

Byron also appears a lot. 

The occasions he’d ruffle Asher’s hair when he did something well; the subtle smiles he’d let sneak onto his face when he made him proud. The day Asher became an official Seeker and could see the pride in his mentor’s eyes is one of his best memories.

And then, of course, there’s the day he met one Ms Pentaghast. 

All the days spent together in their youth: their sparring matches, the conversations stretching into the night, the moment he realised he’d found a family with her. Perhaps the best memory he has of her though is the day he discovered what her full name truly was: the noise she made as that was read out at her initiation will humour him to his dying day. 

▸     IS    IT    EASY    FOR    YOUR    MUSE    TO    KILL ?

Of course.

He was trained to hunt and kill from a young age, it’s all he’s ever known. The Order only ever sent him after potentially dangerous people and it was his job to decide whether they deserved death or not. It was his responsibility to make the call and live with the consequences, so every kill he’s made was made for a reason. 

As far as he’s concerned, every life he takes is one less threat towards his family; that makes killing perhaps too easy for him. 

▸      WHAT’S    IT    LIKE    WHEN    YOUR    MUSE    BREAKS    DOWN ?

Messy.

If he’s with someone he trusts (mainly Cassandra), he’ll be open and is more likely to full on rant and be emotionally vulnerable. He won’t mean to, and he certainly won’t want to, but if something triggers the dam breaking then...it’s not a pretty sight.

With people he doesn’t know as well, or simply doesn’t trust, he’ll just be furious: everything will irritate him and he will get very vocal and violent towards objects - e.g. tables, chairs - unless someone is deliberately trying to piss him off, in which case he won’t hesitate to get violent towards them.

By himself he just...goes in on himself. He’ll throw things, punch walls/doors/pillows, everything, until his knuckles bleed and he tires himself out and then he’ll just go quiet. If he breaks down in private, no one will be able to lure him out of his hide-y hole; they’ll just have to wait. He won’t eat, won’t drink, won’t move in extreme cases, for days. Then he’ll be fine.

▸      IS    YOUR    MUSE    CAPABLE    OF    TRUSTING    SOMEONE    WITH    THEIR    LIFE ?

Yep.  

Although the Order focused on teaching him never to rely on others, it made sure he knew how to trust others and ensured he knew how to identify those worthy of it. 

It takes a while in Inquisition for him to trust people so completely simply because of what happened with the Order, but he does eventually settle down and stops watching his own back so much. 

As for Cassandra, he will always trust her with his life. 

▸      WHAT’S    YOUR    MUSE    LIKE    WHEN    THEY’RE    IN    LOVE ?

Sappy. Hopeless. Committed. Devoted.

He will smile, he will laugh, he will relax. He’ll be at ease with himself for the first time ever and will do everything he can think of to show his love and gratitude to the person that made that possible. 

He’s not a huge fan of PDA but he will kiss their cheek when he sees them, hold their lower back or waist when he stands beside them (as long as it’s suitable at the time); if they’re in the tavern he’ll wrap his arm around their shoulder or hold their hand beneath the table, that sort of stuff.

Be aware though, he is a cuddler and a nuzzler. He can spend hours just sitting against a tree or lying in bed with his Mrs. with his arms wrapped around her, nuzzling and kissing her shoulder whilst she relaxes against him. Most kisses will end with foreheads resting against each other and noses being brushed.  

Tagged by: @champions-folly @orsino-the-enchanter Tagging: @ianazavi @dalishunter @lathal (if yous haven’t done it, obviously) + anyone else, I have no idea how old a thing this is XD

[thetriggeredhappy]

19 “This is going to hurt.” Blunt Trauma please!

im just gonna assume you meant 17 because that’s the sentence you tagged on it. here’s some medic/scout content yo (warnings for just so many needles and other various pain-related stuff, as well as drug mention in passing)

17.) “This is going to hurt.”

“This is going to hurt.”

“Ow!”

“I said it was going to hurt.”

“Yeah, and it fuckin’ hurt, so I said ‘ow’. That’s how things hurting works, Doc.”

Medic sighed, eyeing the remaining two dozen needles on the tray, then Scout’s bare back. “Herr Scout, if you are going to complain the entire time, I can go and get a different volunteer,” he said begrudgingly.

“Oh, don’t even worry, I’m gonna complain the entire time,” Scout said, voice slightly muffled from him being facedown on the operating table. “But also I’m pretty sure nobody else is gonna agree and I’m a last resort, so, you’re just gonna have to deal, Doc.”

Medic only considered that for a few moments before picking up another needle.

“So what’d you say this was called, again?” Scout asked, head turning just slightly. “Acu-picture?”

“Acupuncture.”

“And—ow—why do people do this? Because so far this sucks.”

“Oh, plenty of reasons,” Medic said, eyeing the chart he had before him for a few moments before picking up the next needle. “Performing it on this area of the back is supposedly good for…” He squinted, pushing his glasses up a bit. “…Dizziness. Which I understand has been a problem?”

“Uh, yeah, I—ow. Yeah, I think I just need to like, drink more water.”

“Hydration is not the problem, nor blood loss,” Medic said, picking up another needle. “It is something I could feasibly give you medication for, but it is not often I get the chance to practice attempting alternative therapies.”

“What, like what Sniper does on the weekends?”

“Don’t tell me what Herr Sniper may or may not do on the weekends. I would rather continue pretending I don’t know for plausible deniability.”

“Apparently Miss P visited for a bit and did some with him.”

“Please do not tell me what Miss Pauling and Sniper may or may not participate in recreationally so that I can please have plausible deniability,” Medic said, pushing the needle in a bit faster than he’d done previously.

“Ow.”

“Regardless. While that may be a sort of… remedy, for certain problems, that is not what I mean. I was talking about treatments that are not necessarily condoned by the scientific community due only to lack of research despite a consistent trail of evidence pointing to it being effective in certain patients when done correctly, mainly because the treatments stood long before research was nearly as standard and often don’t have single individuals to credit and the community is wildly biased against older remedies. Mainly they’re things that seem strange but are often extremely effective for reasons unknown.”

“Isn’t that like, everything you do?”

Medic paused. “Herr Scout, my experimentation is research,” he said.

“Yeah, but it’s all kinda weird, and painful, and doesn’t make a lot of sense, but it still works anyways. So it’s basically just like architecture.”

“…Acupuncture,” Medic said when he realized what Scout was talking about.

“Yeah, that’s what I said.”

“To be fair, it is not intended to hurt,” Medic said, ignoring the little ‘ow’ Scout said as he pushed in another needle. “There are often interesting sensations, but very little actual pain. The gauges of my needles should be the correct size, I believe I just need more practice.”

“Is that why you cut people open all the time too? For practice?” Scout asked sarcastically, and yelped when Medic flicked one of the needles.

“No. That is research.” Silence between them for a few moments, broken only by Scout mumbling more ‘ow’s. “How has your other treatment been working?”

“My what?”

“The… Koffein, caffeine, the, er, energy drinks.”

“Y’know, it’s—ow—it’s weird,” Scout said. “Because the guys drink coffee, and you European guys drink tea, and it’s always a thing that I hear, like, it’s supposed to wake you up? But it doesn’t wake me up at all. Coffee just makes me kinda wanna throw up and makes my hands shake a lot more, and tea tastes fuckin’ gross because you people have wrong mouths or something—ow! Hey!”

“Hmm?” Medic asked, feigning innocence.

“That one was on purpose!” Scout accused.

“No, no, of course not,” Medic said lightly. “Continue.”

“…Uh, but yeah, I don’t like tea. But the caffeine in a can, that stuff works great. All the making my brain shut up from coffee but none’a the nausea. Keeps me focused, makes me… notice stuff that matters, and not just, like, everything all the time always. And less of the zoning out.” A pause. “Does make my head hurt, though, when I back off of it again on weekends an’ stuff. And makes me sick when I don’t drink it for a while.”

“Hmm. Perhaps easing in and out of drinking it…” Medic mused quietly. “Regardless. Thank you, Herr Scout. This is important research.”

“You don’t gotta call me that, y’know,” Scout said, tilting his head down obligingly when Medic moved it.

“Was?” Medic asked, picking up the chart to look more closely at it.

“Herr Scout. Isn’t that kinda like saying ‘Mister’ or somethin’?”

Medic hesitated for a second. “…Not perfectly, but essentially, yes,” he replied.

“Well, you don’t gotta call me that,” Scout said, wincing hard at the next needle, pushed in carefully near his hair line. “Fuckin’ ow. You can just call me Scout.”

“Why do you say that?” Medic asked, frowning, and consulted the chart again.

“I mean, we’re teammates more than just co-workers. And, hell, I kinda figured some of us guys were… y’know, buddies,” he said, voice getting quiet towards the end. “And you know my real name anyways, it’s in my file. And probably a bunch more stuff about me that none of the guys know. Maybe that anyone knows. So… I dunno. Seems kinda weird to keep being all formal about stuff. Even Spy’s calmed down about it at this point, and that dude’s a total dick.”

Medic considered for a moment. “Perhaps I simply prefer to remain professional,” he said, a little stiffly.

Scout barked a laugh. “What are you, Sniper?” he asked, a little disbelieving. “And even that guy smokes weed on the weekends.”

Medic smacked Scout on the lower back where there were no needles, huffing. “I told you not to tell me about that!” he said, not a little irritated. “Now I will need to address it!”

“Or you can pretend I didn’t say anything,” Scout suggested.

“That would require me trusting you not to tell anyone that I know about it.”

“Of course I wouldn’t,” Scout said, lightly and easily in a way that made Medic have to pause for a few seconds.

“And why should I believe you?” Medic asked next.

“Dude, I literally just said we’re friends maybe two minutes ago,” Scout scoffed, and Medic could practically hear his eyes rolling. “Seriously, are you sure you aren’t the one with the memory problems? Or the attention issues?”

Medic set his jaw, and had to fight hard to keep emotions from welling up in his chest. “My memory is fine,” he said a little stiffly. One more wince from Scout, and his tray was empty. “There. Should be done.”

“Hey, by the way, one more question,” Scout said, trying not to move too much.

“Yes?”

“How come you didn’t ask to do this to the big guy?”

“Higher pain tolerance. I would not know if I was doing things incorrectly,” Medic answered. A pause. To be fair, Scout had been very nice, had had the courage to be almost alarmingly open and honest. He could afford to drop the professionalism, at least for a moment. “And I’ll admit that I find you occasionally entertaining, and enjoy our conversations. Your enthusiasm in what I have to say is admittedly refreshing.”

“Aww,” Scout teased. “Thanks, Doc.”

“Hmm. Clench your teeth, it is time to take these back out.”

“Aw, man.”

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

@kiwimeringue replied to your post “I know it’s generally rude and very unwise to reply to a fandom...”

ok I'm super curious now, feel free to message me if you want to talk about it all stealthy-like~

@veliseraptor replied to your post “I know it’s generally rude and very unwise to reply to a fandom...”

i'm so curious

apparently I did want to talk about it, because this got looooong (also please do not add more discourse to this post, it’s probably kind of shitty of me but I don’t super want to have a dialogue about it, I just want to barf out my thoughts and defend my own faves on my own post, so if you want to argue with me I would really rather you didn’t and just made your own post instead)

(I also only just realized that I only put “tony stark negative” and “tony stark critical” in the tags, not anywhere before the cut, so here’s your warning now if you didn’t see the tags that this is me being frustrated with a lot things about how Tony is written)

I can't find the actual post now to screenshot or link because I just came across it on my dash, got annoyed, scrolled past, and then made my post when I couldn't stop grumpily thinking about it (so at this point I also don't remember who the OP was or who reblogged it onto my dash, which is probably just as well), but the gist was that almost all MCU title characters have storylines establishing that they're wrong about something and they show growth by accepting that and working to improve...except Steve, who never acknowledges that he might ever be wrong about anything, with the implication that this makes him a bad, self-righteous character who is basically incapable of growth. several other characters--Tony, Thor, Dr. Strange, Peter Parker--were mentioned, but the state of fandom discourse makes me assume any Steve-negative post exists at least in part to show how much better Tony is, which...may not always be a fair assumption on my part, but I do think it's fair to say that's still a relevant context. and of course Steve is one of my favorite characters, so anything even mildly Steve-negative puts me at least somewhat on the defensive right away, which again is not necessarily fair. (the other post that’s already sitting in my notes is about Ragnarok, which is probably even less surprising.)

anyway the post made me grumpy to begin with and then doubly so because I couldn't think of a good way to refute it aside from "yeah well maybe Steve's just a better person than your faves and he doesn't need a whole character arc about realizing he's been an asshole and needs to change because he didn't start out as an asshole to begin with, bet you didn't think of that huh" which is of course VERY unhelpful. but then I started thinking about how I don't think OP is right about the changed characters to begin with, given that a) it's not really fair to compare a character who's only had one solo movie (Dr. Strange) with characters who've had more, b) Spider-Man is kind of an edge case because he's a teenager and a lot of the problems in his movies stem from a combination of him being a fucking teenager and Tony dumping him with tons of dangerous tech that he doesn't have the training or adult impulse control to use safely and then blaming him when disaster inevitably results, and c) the characters who have had multiple movies and arcs focused on realizing they were wrong about something (just Thor and Tony, really) are...maybe not actually great examples because like 75% of that character development seems to reset after each movie and, actually, the narrative still operates under the premise that these characters are basically right even if some other characters don't agree. like...I mean, the only lessons Thor really, consistently seems to learn are "humans are at least not totally worthless (but lbr they're mostly silly and cute)" and "Odin is extremely wise and probably right about almost everything despite mountains of evidence--that grow with every single film he's in--to the contrary". 

and Tony, well--yeah, that's his arc, in theory, and in theory I don't have a problem with flawed characters who keep making the same mistakes because let's face it, that's a very human thing to do. but with posts like this, it's like...you're effectively arguing that he doesn't really make mistakes overall, though, because it’s really just an opportunity for growth? and that when he does, the narrative shows he's wrong, he admits he's wrong, and he makes consistent efforts to change? which...again, obviously I have my own biases, but I have to see this as a weird interpretation because he's basically been the main character of the entire MCU thus far, which means he's likely to get sympathetic treatment and justification from the narrative even if he's ostensibly being called out for fucking up, and that's something I've definitely seen. his entire first movie is about him realizing how wrong he was and working to do better, definitely, but he ends up being his own worst enemy half the time and other people suffer for it. like...he wants to protect the world, okay, that's a reasonable goal. you can argue that the vision Wanda gave him made things worse, and that's possible, but I don't know how much that might be true given that I'm pretty sure he was working on Ultron before that too (and her mind-magic mostly seemed to work by emphasizing something that was already there, not planting new ideas). so he ends up creating a murderbot, with good intentions but he still does it and he keeps it secret from the other Avengers, and now-sentient murderbot immediately reaches the conclusion that humanity is awful and they won't need protecting if they're all gone, and everything breaks very bad, and then Tony...basically does the exact same thing again, without telling anybody else, in hopes that it'll work out better this time because JARVIS? and it does but that seems like mostly luck? and everybody manages to defeat the murderbot, barely, but a not-insignificant number of civilians die anyway because that tends to happen when a sentient murderbot goes on a rampage, and Tony feels really guilty about this when it's shoved in his face, so he deals with his guilt by kind of...spreading it around and allowing the possibility of other major problems down the line so they can hand over some of that responsibility and he can feel less guilty. (that’s not the most charitable interpretation, yeah, but I also don’t think it’s an unreasonable one, based on what’s there in the text.) and then of course things blow up and other problems get dragged in and it's a huge mess and half the Avengers are fugitives, and the general consensus sort of seems to be that nobody was completely right or completely wrong but Steve is the only one who actually apologizes for any of it (no wait, I guess Wanda and Vision apologized but just to each other) and Rhodey reinforces the idea that the Accords were a good idea with no major drawbacks...and then Thanos shows up and things get SO VERY MUCH worse.

and Tony is once again stricken with grief and guilt (not to mention half dead), so lashing out at Steve is understandable, but what he actually says is basically that this is all Steve's fault because he wasn't there (even though he immediately sent Tony that phone, which means Tony could have contacted him at any time but hesitated to do so even when monsters were basically falling from the sky), and he was right about the Accords and Ultron even if the latter didn't work out so well in ways that probably could have been predicted, and...that's what we're left with. nobody else has a meaningful opportunity to say "now hold on a second, you cannot possibly be arguing both for accountability and for your right to decide for the entire world that exchanging some freedom for some potential security is a good trade, and also how are you saying you were essentially right about Ultron when Ultron is what kicked off the desire for the Accords" or, like, anything. (does the world need a security blanket? going by the evidence...yeah, probably? but again. Tony. you tried that and you made a sentient murderbot instead so like, your track record is not great!!)

and then it all culminates with Tony sacrificing himself to save the universe, which I do at least think was a climactic, thematically resonant send-off for such a major character--for the final time, in the most final possible of ways, he reaches a point where there's no more clever tricks and he reacts by selflessly taking the entirety of the consequences onto himself. I can't say I'm happy with it, because I'm not a fan of character death in general even when it doesn't involve my top faves, and it absolutely would have been possible for the filmmakers to keep him alive if they hadn't gone into this with the specific intention of ending Tony's arc with his death. (ditto on all the other major character deaths, which is a big part about why they make me mad--none of them really, honestly had to happen, some even less than others.) but regardless of my feelings on whether it had to happen, it's inarguable that his entire arc from Iron Man to Endgame is that of a brilliant but selfish manchild who changes and grows until he doesn't hesitate to make the ultimate sacrifice for the sake of the entire universe.

BUT THEN THERE'S SPIDER-MAN AGAIN.

spoilers if you haven't seen Spider-Man: Far From Home but like, the entire conflict of that movie was based on two major things: a bunch of disgruntled Stark Industries employees, at least some of whom had to have legitimate, recent grievances (and frankly that whole mess demonstrates--among other things--that Stark Industries must have unforgivably lax security around its arsenal of world-ending weapons); and Tony's decision at some point to essentially REMAKE ULTRON AND THEN DUMP THAT RESPONSIBILITY ON A FUCKING TEENAGER WITH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN THE WAY OF WARNINGS, TRAINING, OVERSIGHT, OR EVEN BASIC FAILSAFES, like holy shit my computer spends more time making sure I definitely want to delete that file than EDITH does about confirming that yes this random teenager is a legitimate target for IMMEDIATE DEATH. all the other adults involved in this clusterfuck bear a good share of the responsibility for this too, given that not one of them ever seemed to think either "hey, maybe saddling a smart and very good but basically normal sixteen-year-old boy with the power and responsibility (but not the resources or experience) of a grown-ass adult with unlimited resources is not the smartest move here, and yelling at him when he inevitably fucks up this power and responsibility we dumped on him with no training whatsoever is not actually fair or reasonable" or even "maybe before giving a piece of massively powerful and dangerous tech to a sixteen-year-old boy, we should spend at least 15 minutes going over the device's major functions and how to not accidentally kill someone, even if we figure things like ethics and privacy rights and knowing when not to use this tech aren't that important".

but, but, Tony still made the decision to give it to him, and he did so without building in any precautions at all, which is the exact same thing he did in CW/Homecoming with Peter's new suit (yes, the Training Wheels protocol was a good step, but the fact that it could just be turned off that easily--and that Tony isn't shown even trying to tell Peter to use the training programs or safely practice with the suit--shows that it really, really wasn't good enough) except even worse because EDITH is about 100 times more invasive and destructive than the suit. and he pretty much scolded Peter in Homecoming for getting ahead of himself, but then the second Peter did well in a bad situation Tony was right back to making this teenager an official Avenger and giving him all this power and responsibility he'd just decided Peter hadn't really earned, and Peter turned him down because at that point he had a better idea of his own limits and need for growth than Tony did, and then!! in what must have been one of his last acts alive!! Tony dumped an even bigger, more dangerous power/responsibility combo on him!!! way way bigger than the one he'd already turned down and maturely decided he wasn't yet experienced enough to handle!!! without even giving him a chance to say no!!!! and did not take any of that (or the mess with Ultron and the lessons he theoretically learned there, or the mess with the Accords and the lessons he theoretically learned there, or for that matter the lessons he theoretically learned in his three solo movies about treating his employees well and making sure he knows exactly what his company is doing at all times) into account when designing it, handing it off to other adults who also should have been more responsible about it, and leaving it to a teenager against that teenager's stated wishes, thereby ensuring that this teenager will follow Tony's footsteps in being unable to have a normal life!!!!!

...................but, okay, the point of the original post was that Steve is generally deemed to be Always Right and therefore he never has to change, and that makes him unrelatable at best and also not a great character. which...well, that's part of the point, that's why he was picked for Project Rebirth in the first place because he's a good dude dedicated to doing what's right; even before the serum, he was literally willing to die to protect a few people he barely knew (the grenade scene, remember). he was already starting from a point of selflessness and an understanding of responsibility that the others lacked, so it would be tough to give him a similar character arc without undermining or ignoring the whole point of the character. sure, though, even a character like Steve is imperfect and human and bound to be wrong sometimes, and when that happens he should acknowledge he was wrong and take steps to make amends, and if he's never shown doing any of that, it's true that it's not great even if part of the issue is that he's never really put in a position to do so. 

except, except DID YOU ALL COMPLETELY FORGET THE ENDING OF CIVIL WAR

like, sure, if what you wanted was to hear Steve say "I was wrong about everything and Tony was right about everything, and I will humbly submit to whatever you think is best regardless of my own convictions, my very good reasons for having those convictions, and my personal concerns for my friends, or at the very least I will humbly ask for forgiveness and accept whatever you throw at me, because Tony Was Right About Everything," then...yeah, I'm sure it was a disappointment, especially if you figure Tony was right about the Accords and at least the intentions behind Ultron. it's true Steve doesn't really address any of that, which indicates he definitely still believes he’s right about those parts. but...look, the last time he saw Tony, he was fighting to save his lifelong friend from being murdered from a crime he didn't necessarily remember and really wasn't responsible for. once again I don't blame Tony for reacting emotionally and lashing out at the nearest targets instead of the people who were really at fault, but that doesn't change the facts of the situation, which are, Steve was fighting to save Bucky's life. and when he did that by incapacitating Tony, he didn't go any further; he took Bucky and left. and then he almost immediately sent Tony a letter of apology and a means of contacting him in return if an emergency comes up--and again, yes, his apology wasn't "I'm sorry for everything because I was wrong about everything," but it was a genuine, compassionate apology for the ways he'd hurt Tony even if his intentions were basically good. (this of course assumes that he really did know for a fact that Bucky killed the Starks and consciously chose to hide the knowledge from Tony, and frankly I'm not convinced that's true, but it's not really the issue here.) honestly, I thought his letter was kind of funny because it so closely followed the format of the apology-note meme--you know, "I was trying to do X, but I see now that I hurt you because Y" and everything. he didn't apologize for opposing the Accords or protecting Bucky or fighting in Germany so he could get to Siberia in time to stop what he had every reason to believe was a much bigger threat, because all those actions stemmed directly from his convictions and sense of morality and he wouldn't be Steve Rogers or Captain America if he was willing to compromise his most foundational convictions--but he absolutely did apologize for hurting Tony and recognized that he'd made at least one big mistake where Tony was concerned. 

Tony...didn't. even before doubling down on the Accords and Ultron, I don't think he ever really said, hey, at least some of this was my bad; most of what he said boiled down to "okay this situation isn't ideal but I'm sure if I throw more money at it things will work out fine, more or less". in the Raft and in Siberia he got close to saying that maybe he'd been wrong about a few things, but that all went out the window pretty quick, and I don't think there's ever a point where he--just for instance--at least apologizes for trying very very hard to kill Bucky. and by Endgame, apparently he’s pretty much walked back what little he did kinda sorta think he was maybe wrong about. so.

that's...basically what I've got, OP’s interpretation is wrong because their facts are actually wrong and I was apparently annoyed enough to barf out all these words when I could’ve been doing anything else, the end

[crystalninjaphoenix]

Nightmare World

A Stitched Story

JSE Fanfic

WOW. OKAY, PRETTY SURE THIS IS MY LONGEST FIC EVER. INCOMING. FAIR WARNING. No, seriously, this came out really long. I haven’t compared it in length to others yet, but yeah. So here’s that warning for you. It’s just...this part had a lot of ground to cover and I’m pretty sure a lot of the impact would be lost if I split it up. So, you get extra-long story this time! Read all about how we finally get the good doctor back into action in this AU

Tagging @septic-dr-schneep for inspiring this AU with this post.

Read where it started: Stitched Together | Season One

Previous season two stories: No Strings on Me

Jack woke up to a piece of folded paper hitting him in the face. Actually, he’d already been sort of semi-awake, but the paper landing surprised him to full wakefulness. He opened his eyes and pushed away the paper to see JJ staring at him, already fully-dressed. He waved, then pointed at the paper and left, closing Jack’s bedroom door behind him.

With a sleepy sigh, Jack looked over at his clock. 12:30 pm. His sleep schedule had been messed up ever since he...got back. He didn’t want to fall asleep at night in the dark, so he stayed up way too late and slept in way too much. Chase also overslept now, but he actually went to bed super early. Trying to catch up on all the sleep hours he lost. Well, it wasn’t like either of them had any obligations anymore, since they still hadn’t gone back to their jobs. Technically, both of them were still missing persons cases. As much as Jack wanted for everything to go back to normal, he wasn’t sure how to explain to the police that he’d been kidnapped by a demon for a month until one of his friends somehow got magic, then the two of them proceeded to rescue their other friend from the demon’s control. So, they didn’t try at all.

Jack unfolded the piece of paper. There was a note written on it in JJ’s handwriting. Good morning Jack. I’m sorry for waking you up like this, but I believe I’ve found something important, specifically in regards to Henrik’s condition. If you would please get ready and meet Chase and I in the living room, that would be appreciated. ♡

When did he have time to find something? Probably while the other two were still sleeping, actually. Jack let his head hit the pillow with a soft thwump, taking a few deep breaths. He didn’t want to get up, but he supposed it had to be done. So he pushed into a sitting position and stood up, getting ready to start another day.

A shower, a change of clothes, and a bowl of cereal later, Jack walked into the apartment’s front room. Chase was already awake. That is, in the sense that his eyes were open and he was sitting on the couch. He looked still asleep otherwise, yawning and in pajamas. Jack noted that even though he otherwise wasn’t dressed, he was wearing his bandanna and wristbands. Understandable.

Jack sat down on the other side of the couch. Chase blinked at him. “G’mornin’,” he mumbled.

“It’s like one in the afternoon, but good morning Chase,” Jack said.

Chase nodded, not saying anything back. On an impulse, Jack closed his left eye, activating that weird sort of vision that he still hadn’t figured out. The world turned black and white, and he could see the yellow light inside Chase’s chest. It had...had these sort of grooves in it, ever since they managed to break the strings connecting him to Anti. But every day, they were getting less...angry. Jack wondered sometimes if this weird vision let him see people’s minds, but then wouldn’t the light be in the head? He was still working on several theories.

A sudden appearance of a blue light made Jack turn his attention to JJ, who’d just entered the room. His light was a bit different too. When he wasn’t using his new magic, little discs of the same color tended to float around the light. Jack shook himself, then opened his left eye again, letting normal sight return. JJ was holding one of the magic books they’d retrieved from the shop a month and a half ago. He also had a pad of paper and a pen. They’d been trying to teach Chase sign language, but it was slow going, so they stuck with pen and paper for now.

“Hey, James,” Jack said. “So...what’s all this about? You said you found something?”

JJ nodded eagerly. He flipped through the book, stopping at a page near the end. He put the open book down on the couch in between Jack and Chase, so they could both lean over and read it. The writing was small, and there were some strange pictures, but the entry title was large enough to read easily: The Nightmare.

“What’s this?” Chase’s eyes were wide.

JJ dropped the pad of paper on top of the entry, letting the other two read what he’d already written. I was scanning through this book this morning, and found it had a section on other worlds, that sort of orbit our own like a solar system. Apparently this one is known as The Nightmare. It’s a world where your own dark thoughts and fears shape the environment, making it, essentially, just like a bad nightmare. Just one you experience while you’re awake. It’s said that the physical body cannot access this world, only the soul. When the body is left behind it will be basically lifeless, and the entry describes ones who are stuck in the Nightmare as having “empty, dripping eyes.” It’s said that in the past, black magic magicians would send the souls of their enemies there. I don’t know about you, but to me these facts seem to fit what happened to Henrik.

Jack looked at Chase, noticing he’d suddenly paled. He pushed the note aside and scanned the entry really quick. His finger traced a sentence, which Jack followed along in reading. ‘Some magicians may use crystals or flat, reflective surfaces as windows into the Nightmare, in order to spy upon those they’d sent there.’ “I...I think you’re right.” Chase shuddered. “But if that’s the case, how do we get him back? Can—can we even...?”

“There has to be a way.” Jack looked at JJ, who was already writing.

The only way out of the Nightmare is to create an exit, he wrote. But we can’t make an opening on this side and wait for Henrik to come out. From this world, you can only make ENTRANCES to the Nightmare. Exits can only be made from within. It’s why the Nightmare is such an effective way to get rid of enemies, if cruel. Any openings are one-way.

“So...” Chase tucked his arms in close, pulling on his wristbands. “You’re saying...we’d have to go in and get him.”

JJ paused, then nodded slowly.

All the color drained from Jack’s face. “We...we have to go—go to a-a-a dimension that’s designed to—it makes all our bad dreams come to life.”

Not just bad dreams, but bad experiences and fears too. JJ looked back and forth between the two of Jack and Chase, both of whom were pale and trembling. You don’t have to. I’m the one with the ability to open the entrance and exit, I can go on my own.

“No.” Chase shook his head. “No, no, you can’t go on your own. Nobody should go on their own. I—I can come. And—and Henrik is in there, and it’s my fault—stop shaking your head, I know it isn’t really but I still feel like it is, and—and if I can reverse this, I’ll...I’ll feel better about it.”

Jameson stared at him for a moment longer, then nodded again. He looked over at Jack with a curious head tilt. Jack stared back. He should want to help Schneep. He did. But...if he thought about travelling to a place that would deliberately take him back to his worst memories, back to what he worst feared...”I’m sorry, I just—I can’t,” he whispered. He fought the urge to rub his right eye. He’d had it back for barely two weeks, just half the time he’d been without it. He was still getting re-used to it.

“That’s okay,” Chase said softly. “I get it. You don’t have to make yourself.”

“I’m sorry,” Jack muttered.

“It’s okay, Jack,” Chase repeated. He hesitated for a moment, the reached over and put his hand on Jack’s shoulder. Even though it wasn’t a lot, Jack knew it was hard for Chase to even do that much. The gesture melted his heart a little.

“Alright,” Jack said shakily. “Alright.” He looked up at JJ. “When...when were you planning to do this?”

JJ took a moment to write. As soon as possible, honestly. Just enough for you to get ready.

“That seems like a good idea,” Chase nodded. “I think...if I think about it too long, I might start having doubts. Just let me get dressed and stuff. Do you need anything? To make the entrance?”

JJ shook his head. It’s a surprisingly simple spell material-wise. But it may expend a lot of energy.

“Okay.” Chase closed his eyes, folding his arms. “I guess we’re really doing this, huh? Better sooner than later. Let’s go.”

An hour later, they reconvened inside the apartment’s guest room, where Schneep was still stuck. Chase had taken to sleeping on the floor in this room. His makeshift bed, created from loose blankets and pillows, now had a matching twin next to it. Jameson had explained that while their souls were in the Nightmare their bodies would be unconscious, unresponsive. So Jack had set up a place for them to lie down, so that their bodies would be safe and out of the way. Now, he was sitting in the chair next to the bed, watching Chase and JJ get ready for their journey. He couldn’t quite believe this was happening. It was...so fast. “You...you’re both sure?”

JJ nodded, eyes full of determination. Chase took a deep breath. “Yeah...yeah I am.” He looked at JJ. “So...how do we start this?”

Jameson lay down, gesturing for Chase to do the same, which he did. JJ then took a steady breath, inhaling and exhaling slowly. Symbols flickered into existence above the two of them, drawn in blue light. They organized into circles, one above Jameson and one above Chase, written in concentric ripples that slowly revolved around the circles’ centers. Around the edges of each circle, four blue triangles started glowing, pointing toward the circle. Jameson and Chase began breathing slower. They stopped fidgeting and moving, becoming completely still. Eventually, the runic designs dissipated. Jack leaned closer. Glowing blue tears were dripping from underneath both of their eyelids.

“Please come back safe,” he muttered, knowing they couldn’t hear him. He laughed a bit. “I...kind of expected more to happen there, honestly. But I guess you’re not gonna disappear or anything...”

He looked back toward the bed. Schneep was as lifeless as ever. “All of you better come back,” Jack said. “I don’t...think I could handle this on my own.” He took a deep breath, pulling his feet up on to the chair and hugging his knees close. There was nothing to do now but wait. Wait...and hope.

Chase didn’t open his eyes. He didn’t need to. The sight before him fizzled into existence, the way a dream might come into being. He was standing on a flat expanse of black rock, its surface littered with patches of black gravel, pebbles, and chunks of stone. It extended as far as the eye could see. There was no sky above, simply gray. Chase spun around. He couldn’t see anything, not until he made a full turn and saw Jameson fading into being, like a ghost. Also similar to a ghost, he didn’t quite look solid. Instead, he was slightly transparent. JJ looked around, stopping when he saw Chase. He gave him a wave.

“So this is it, huh?” Chase asked.

{I think it has to be.}

Chase yelped, stumbling away. “What just—did you hear that?”

JJ’s eyes widened. He looked frantically around. {I didn’t hear anything, is this something that just Chase can hear, or is my hearing going? Oh, that would be perfect, wouldn’t it? Already lost one way to communicate with people, let’s take the rest away.}

“Wait...” Chase blinked. “Wait, JJ. I think...I think I can hear you.”

{What? No, that’s not possible, he can’t be hearing me. Unless he’s picking up on my thoughts?}

“I think I am picking up on your thoughts, dude!” Chase’s words were all the confirmation JJ needed, whose eyes widened. “Look, this place...we’re not in our bodies right now, right? So I guess we’re able to communicate mind-to-mind.” Chase went silent for a second. He wanted to try...{So maybe I don’t even need to talk either?}

{Oh my god.} Jameson took a few steps back, hand clasping over his mouth in shock. {Oh my god, you can hear me. I can hear you. But wait!} He stopped. {If we’re not in our bodies right now, then...what are these?} He indicated himself, and Chase. {They look like us, but maybe they’re merely projections?}

“Maybe,” Chase shrugged. “Hey, in, like, movies and shit like this, the people are able to change their outfits and appearance. Do you think that...?” He looked down at his projected body. It looked just like him, wearing the same outfit he’d been wearing before entering the Nightmare, bandanna and wristbands included. It certainly felt real. He could feel the texture of his clothes against his skin. And he could feel the...maybe he could...change that? Get rid of them? But when he concentrated, wishing with all his might, his appearance stayed the same. {Oh...I guess...I’m stuck like this then.}

{This is the Nightmare, Chase.} Chase jumped, not realizing he’d somehow projected his disappointment. JJ was giving him a sympathetic look. {It’s not going to make life better for us. In fact, it’s probably going out of its way to make sure we’re not comfortable.}

“...yeah. That makes sense,” Chase sighed. “I just...got my hopes up.” He adjusted his bandanna. “So anyway. How are we gonna find the doc in here? I don’t want to be stuck here for longer than we have to be.”

{I’m not quite sure. Maybe I could try a tracking spell? I don’t know if it will work in here, but it’s better than nothing.}

“Yeah, you do that.” While Jameson closed his eyes and started concentrating on the tracking spell, Chase looked around. “Is...is it just me, or does this place look different now?”

There were trees now. Twisted, messed up trees with white or black bark. The ground was shooting out black grass and undergrowth was slowly growing into existence. The “sky” above was now shot through with squares of black and white, like—like static. And everything was eerily silent.

Jameson looked around. {The Nightmare is shaped by its inhabitants. It’s taking our memories and fears and creating a bad dream, if you will.}

“I’m not scared of a forest,” Chase muttered. “What about you?”

{They...make me a little...uneasy, yes. Deep dark forests, where all you can see are trees...and it looks like the Nightmare knows that.} More trees were popping up, closer and closer together. {Oh! Wait, I got it, it’s working!} The tracking spell had spun into being, a blue disc. It hovered in the air before setting off in a direction, a little faster than walking speed. {Come on, we can’t lose it!} JJ set off after it indicating for Chase to follow.

The monochrome forest was in full effect now, the trees so close that Chase and JJ could barely walk next to each other. Their white branches stretched high, lacing through each other to form a lattice that blocked out most of the sky above (which was now definitely static). Undergrowth reached up and grabbed at their legs, causing them to trip and stumble. When Chase tried to touch one of the tree trunks, the bark peeled and distorted, almost glitching. His hand started to sink into the tree and he barely managed to pull it out. JJ found he was walking much closer to Chase than the rules of personal space would dictate, but he didn’t care. His eyes darted around. It was getting dark beneath the trees.

“Where’s this thing even going?” Chase asked.

JJ shrugged. {Hell if I know. Last time I used it, I just followed it and it worked.}

“Wait, did you just say ‘hell’?” A smile quirked at the edge of Chase’s mouth. “I thought you didn’t swear.”

{...oh.} JJ looked faintly embarrassed. {Well, I don’t say the words, or didn’t, rather, but sometimes it’s hard not to think them, being surrounded by people who swear regularly.}

“I am so telling Jack about th—”

Crack!

The ground broke apart, chunks of black rocks falling away like something from a disaster movie. Below, there was nothing but an endless void. At the bottom there was static, just like the sky. Chase shouted, jumping away from the crack and into JJ, who stumbled with the surprise heaviness of having to catch him. Apparently weight was still a factor in the Nightmare.

There was only a moment of respite. After the first crack, more followed, sinkholes opening up, chunks of the forest falling away. Behind them, the ground collapsed, trees and their roots flailing into oblivion. {Run!} JJ screamed. Chase didn’t hesitate to follow his advice. All around them, the world was breaking apart, everything was crumbling and falling—

—until there was only chunks left.

It looked like they were standing on top of spires, which were anchored in the void. The ground was still black stone, with the occasional stubborn tree clinging to its pebbly surface. A few rocks floated freely in the air, like stepping stones across the sea of static. Not too far away, maybe half the length of a football field, the solid ground resumed, more endless black stone, forming rolling hills covered in long black grass.

“Oh fuck,” Chase whispered. Despite himself, he leaned over the edge, immediately backing up. “Oh fuck.”

{Afraid of heights, then?} JJ asked.

“Yeah. I didn’t think it was that bad, though.”

{Well, I hate to tell you this, but we’re going to have to keep moving.} JJ pointed. The tracker spell had been unaffected by the change of environment, and was keeping its steady pace toward the solid ground.

“I...okay.” Chase tried to move, but found someone had glued his feet to the ground. He looked at the floating stepping stones, the only way to get off their current spire and on the way toward following the tracking spell, and a paralyzing fear coursed through him.

{It’s going to be fine, Chase,} Jameson said reassuringly. {If it helps, get on your hands and knees and just crawl over the gaps.}

“Right. Right.” Slowly, Chase lowered himself to the ground, feeling a bit more steady now. “Just...take this one step at a time. No shame. Just go.”

Somehow, they managed to climb over the stepping stones and spires and back onto solid ground, whereupon Chase collapsed in the shin-length black grass. “I am...never doing that...ever again,” he said. “No more heights. Not even Ferris wheels. No more. I’m staying on the ground.”

{But you made it, at least,} JJ said encouragingly.

“Barely. Fuck. How are you so calm?”

{I just...have to focus on the bigger picture. It’s calming.} JJ scanned the area around them. {We were a little slow. The tracker’s far ahead of us. Do you feel up to walking?}

“Y-yeah, just...” Chase pushed to his feet, his legs a bit shaky. “Where’s the thing?”

{Just going over the next hill. Come on.}

They had just about reached the top of the hill when they heard the scream.

For a moment, they froze, looking at each other with wide, terror-filled eyes. They knew that scream. In unison, they burst into a run, cresting the hill and staring down into a slight valley caused by a dip between the hills.

The first thing they noticed was the beast. It looked something like a bear, but with a wolf’s head that had snake’s fangs in the mouth. Its fur was odd, mostly white, but every so often black interference and distortions would run across its body, and sometimes it would become just a static silhouette. It was running, black eyes locked onto its target that was sprinting across the valley. Said target was a man, with brown hair. Even though he was running as fast as he could, and even though the beast was half the valley’s length behind, it was easily closing the distance between the two of them.

“No!” Chase didn’t even think, just went, gravity lending him aid in his mad dash down the hill. His feet flew across the ground, and despite the long grass’s best efforts, he was not slowed.

He was only a few feet away when the beast finally caught up to its target, pouncing on the poor man and dragging him down with another scream. It roared in triumph, raising a paw that was covered in three-inch claws for the final swipe.

A blue circle came out of nowhere, slamming into the beast’s side with such force that it was actually knocked over. Lines of blue light dug into its hide, but it just roared, trying to make its way back to its prey. And so two more circles followed, piercing the beast, until with one final roar it collapsed.

Chase looked over his shoulder to see JJ not too far behind him, hand extended forward. His expression was one of complete and utter shock. Apparently he didn’t know he could do that. “Bro, that was badass,” Chase muttered. “Keep that in mind for the future.” He turned back around, covering the rest of the distance in a second. The beast’s target was still lying in the tall grass, arms flung over his face as if to protect it. Chase hesitated, then called, “Doc? Schneep?”

Schneep didn’t look much different that he had when he’d last seen him. After all, this wasn’t actually his real body, just a projection of his soul. It wouldn’t mimic any changes that happened in the real world. He was wearing the same clothes from before, and even his glasses. When he lowered his arms and looked around, Chase saw that his eyes were normal, blue, in this world. Eventually, those eyes noticed Chase staring, and locked on to him.

“Hey...” Chase said softly. “Schneep? Henrik?”

“Nicht wieder.”

Chase hadn’t known what he’d been expecting, but not that. Schneep was backing away from him, moving steadily backwards through the tall grass while never taking his eyes away. Chase blinked. “Doc...? Are you okay?”

“Nicht wieder.” Schneep shook his head. “Nicht wieder!” He suddenly picked up the pace, scrambling backwards in order to get as far away as possible from Chase.

“Henrik, it’s okay, it’s me!” Chase said, desperately trying to calm him down. He reached towards him, but Schneep just flinched away. “We’re here to get you out of this place.”

“Keine Tricks mehr!” Schneep shouted. “Halt dich von mir fern!” He backed away just a bit more, and suddenly the ground crumbled, stone turning into something more like sand. He sank right through it with an expression of surprise...and fear.

“Henrik!” Chase surged forward, but he was too late. The ground had re-solidified, and now there was a patch of blank stone in the field of grass. Chase could only stare at the spot, completely empty. He’d just found him, and then he lost him again. And he hadn’t even wanted to see him. In fact, he’d been afraid of him. What had he been saying? Chase had never really been one for languages. Wasn’t “nicht” something like “not”? Everything else had been too fast for him to pick up or recognize.

{Chase? Are...are you alright?}

He’d almost forgotten JJ was there. {I...don’t know,} he admitted, somehow not being able to say the words out loud.

{It’s...it’s going to be okay.} JJ forced some optimism into his mental voice. {You can’t die inside the Nightmare, so we can just use the tracking spell to find him again.}

“Well. After we used the spell the first time we ran into a creepy forest, an earthquake, and the stepping stones of doom.” Chase stared up at the static-filled sky. “Those are some high odds against us.”

{Well...} JJ frowned, then brightened with an idea. {Oh! So, this place takes our worst fears and turns them against us. Maybe if we tell each other what we’re afraid of, we’ll have a better chance of predicting what’ll happen next.}

“Maybe.” Chase shrugged.

{I’m going to start the spell again now.} The circling blue light began to gather again. {I do wonder what the deal was with that beast, you know.}

“Schneep’s afraid of wild animals,” Chase explained. “Anything with claws and teeth that isn’t a pet, or sometimes even is.”

{See, that’s the thing about fears. I bet that beast wouldn’t even exist if Henrik wasn’t afraid of animals like that. Tracking spell is up again.} The disc started off, slower this time. {It must not be too far, if the spell is this slow. Come on.}

They followed it through the field of grass, going up a hill and down another before the ground leveled out. “So. Fears, huh?” Chase said. “I...well, you saw I’m not a fan of heights. Also not the best with thunderstorms. You?”

{They all seem rather childish,} JJ mused. {I’m not a fan of the dark, or of blood, and, well, after March I developed a fear of needles.}

“That’s reasonable.” Chase nodded. “I...I don’t like eyes anymore. Like, the idea of being watch—” He stopped. Not only stopping his sentence but freezing in place. He looked around. “I could’ve sworn something was...” He shook it off. “Never mind.”

{What was it?} JJ asked.

“Nothing, I just...I thought—” He felt it again. This time he spun around wildly, looking for anything in the area that could have caused it. “I...it’s nothing. It—it has to be nothing.”

{What’s nothing?} The concern in Jameson’s voice was evident.

“It—it feels like something is—” Chase stumbled to the side with the force of the next pull. “What the fuck?!”  He looked down at his hands. The string. The length of green string had somehow slipped out from under the wristband on his right hand. And one of the blades of tall grass had wrapped around it, not in a way that could be explained as an accident. He stared at the grass as it pulled.

“No! Let go of me!” He yanked his wrist backwards, only to fall forwards, nearly toppling over, when the grass responded with a yank of stronger force. He gritted his teeth, doing his best to take deep breaths. His heart was pounding, remembering. No, this wasn’t the same thing. He wasn’t going to let it happen again. He grabbed the loose string with his other hand, trying to wrench it away. But the grass renewed its efforts, other blades joining in, twisting around the string and pulling down. “JJ! Help!” His voice broke.

Once Jameson realized what was happening he immediately jumped in, grabbing Chase’s arm and helping in this demented tug-of-war. But it wasn’t enough. The grass was creeping up the string, until suddenly it hopped over to Chase’s other wrist, digging beneath the band until it pulled out the other loose end and started tugging on that one too.

“It’s not enough!” Chase gasped. He blinked away the water in his eyes, he needed to see right now. He planted his feet firmly against the ground, but then he felt something wrap around his ankles. He looked down. It wasn’t the grass doing that. The ground had grown hands, and they were pinning him in place. “Stop it!” he shrieked, trying and failing to shake them off. “Jameson, please! Help!”

Jameson tried again, this time aiming to grab the strings away. But his hands passed right through them. His eyes widened, and he tried to pull Chase’s arms away, only to pass right through them as well. What was happening? He tried to mentally reach out to Chase, to explain, but Chase showed no reaction. He was just staring at him with tears in his eyes, wondering why he wasn’t doing anything to help him in his struggle. Jameson froze, paralyzed for a split second before reaching out towards Chase, his hands passing right through. He couldn’t—he couldn’t do anything. He could never do anything.

With a yelp, Chase was pulled forward, landing on his hands and knees among the grass. More hands sprouted out from the ground, grabbing his arms, making his skin crawl. “Stop! Stop it! Please!” They were a lot stronger than him. One reached up and pulled his bandanna off, wrapping around his neck, in an almost gentle manner. The tears were flowing freely now. “Jameson—anyone! Help!” Chase gasped.

He was trying, he really was. But every time Jameson tried to pry the hands away, or drag Chase away from him, he slipped right through, like he wasn’t even there. All he could do was watch. No, no there had to be another way. There had to be something he could do besides just reach out and try and slip and fail, he had to do something, he had to do something—

There was a burst of blue light. It radiated outward in a series of concentric circles, each wave breaking apart the black grass and the black stone. It didn’t last more than a few seconds, but when it was over, JJ and Chase were in the middle of a blank circle of black rock, the air around them shimmering with particles of blue. Chase was laying on the ground, curled up and shuddering with tears. JJ was still standing, though he quickly knelt by his friend’s side. He hesitated for a split second, then placed a hand on Chase’s shoulder. Chase quickly flinched away, and JJ yanked his hand back, but a wave of relief crashed through him anyway. Whatever had happened must have ended. {Chase...?} JJ called. {Chase, I’m here. It’s over now.}

“It’s over now,” Chase repeated. “It’s over now. It’s over now.” After a few moments, Chase sat up. He picked up his bandanna from where it had fallen and retied it around his neck. He tucked the loose strings back under the wristbands. “That...I...I can see why this place is the Nightmare. I didn’t...”

{Didn’t even think about that,} JJ finished. {Me neither. I suppose I was thinking rather...shallowly, when I thought about worst fears.}

Chase wiped his eyes. “We gotta get Schneep out of here. He’s been here for...what, three and a half months? Fuck, dude. We have to.”

{I lost the tracking spell.} JJ looked around. The disc was nowhere in sight. {I can make another one, but...}

“How did you do that, though?” Chase asked. JJ looked confused, so he continued. “That thing, right there. You, like, stopped everything.”

{I...don’t know.} JJ stared into the static sky. {It was just...something that happened, when I thought about how much I should be doing to help you. That seems to be how this new magic of mine works. Its primary concern is to help others, specifically those I consider my friends.}

“Well, that’s cool, I guess.” Chase shrugged.

{If I’m going to have a magic geared toward a single purpose, there are worse purposes to aspire to.}

“But...okay, if that’s how it works...” Chase bit his lip as he thought. “Could you...maybe find some way to, like, teleport us to where Schneep is? Instead of having to walk across this hellscape?”

JJ blinked. {Maybe...} He closed his eyes. It couldn’t be too hard. That’s what his magic is for, after all. And if they could find the doctor instantly, they could help him easier. JJ took a deep breath, placing his hands flat on the rocky surface of the ground. Almost instantly, circles began pulsing blue around them, gently spreading color through the stony landscape. The two of them felt the ground shift, and then it gave way. They fell for who knows how long, but eventually they landed on a hard surface with an oof-inducing thump.

Chase stood up first, taking in their new surroundings. They were...uncomfortably familiar. A long hallway of black walls, red lightbulbs dangling from the ceiling providing the only illumination. The sound of static crackled through the air. It looked and felt like an simpler version of the halls in Anti’s lair. Chase shuddered. At least this one didn’t have eyes.

JJ clambered to his feet. {Well. Where to now?}

“Well. Left or right?”

{The static is coming from the right.}

“That way, then.” If this place mimicked fears and bad memories, then there was nothing that fell into those categories better than Anti. And static was a side effect of him, so it seemed like a safe bet.

But as the two of them walked toward the static, they began hearing more than just the white noise. There were...voices. In the static. They sounded angry, and...familiar. Eventually, the hallway opened up into a dead-end square room. Chase and JJ stopped in the doorway, processing the sight before them.

Schneep was in the center of the room, on his knees. He was bent over, and his arms were wrapped around his head, hands pressed to his ears. Around him were vague static silhouettes, the shape of a human. Sometimes they’d flicker and become an actual person. The static in the room was deafening, but it couldn’t drown out the angry voices, each of which came from one of the silhouettes.

“D͏i̸e̸!͡”

“Di̡e ̵i̧n͢ a̵ fir͞e!”

“Yóu'́r̡e ̸w̧e̴ak.”

“Y̵ou'́r̴e a ͟f̡ai̴l̡u̷re̵!̕”

“All ̶y̧ou͠ do is h̷u̧r̀t͡ p̶ȩople̛!”

“Es tut mir Leid.” Schneep sounded like he was sobbing. “Es tut mir Leid!”

{Chase...} JJ said hesitantly. {That’s your voice.}

Chase nodded slowly, listening to the silhouettes—which, he now recognized, were him, if he’d been filled with static.

“Dr͝ow͏n ̶an͠d̨ d̵ię!̨”

“L̶ia͡r.”

“T̴r͢ait̵o̸r̨.”

“M͞uŕd̀e̸r̛e̕r̵.”

“Es tut mir Leid, es tut mir Leid!” Schneep wailed. “Bitte vergib mir!”

{I don’t understand. What’s—}

“He shot me,” Chase remembered.

{He what?!}

“It—it was Anti’s plan,” Chase explained. “Anti can’t go after people unless they’re mentally weak. And he thought Schneep was pretty mentally strong, so he thought...that the best way to get inside his head was to make him feel guilty. Like...like if he shot one of his best friends. So, he made a plan to trick him into doing that.” Chase fell silent. “I think he thinks he killed me.”

JJ looked absolutely stunned at this news. {I...I didn’t know.}

“Of course you didn’t.”

{Why didn’t you tell Jack and I?}

“Because...I don’t know.” Chase closed his eyes. “Because this is why I think it’s all my fault, and you’re both so insistent on saying it’s not that it would feel...it would feel like a ‘ha, so there’ moment. Then you would instantly try to say it’s not, and it would feel...hollow. Like you’re reassuring a kid.”

{Chase.} Jameson’s tone made Chase open his eyes again. {Our reassurances are not hollow platitudes. It was Anti’s plan. And he used you for it. It. Is. Not. Your. Fault. But...I can see how you can think it was. So, in that case, if you wish to make everything right...} Two blue circles spun out of nowhere. {Then I think doing something like this will do just that.}

Chase stared at him. Then his eyes hardened. “Well, then. You’re gonna do the stop-everything thing?” JJ nodded. “Then do it.”

Jameson turned away from Chase and back toward the room. The circles grew in brightness, lines of runes shooting outward. Then they flew forward, bursting and filling the room with blue light. When the light faded, the silhouettes were gone, and so was the static. Schneep was left in the same position as before, slightly rocking a bit.

Chase ran into the room, JJ right behind. The two of them knelt next to Schneep, who had his eyes shut tight. Chase hesitated for a moment. He didn’t want to say anything, that would no doubt have a negative reaction after what just happened. So instead, he slowly reached out and wrapped one arm around Schneep. The contact made him bite back a crawling, itching wave of discomfort, but fuck it. He could handle a minute for his friend.

It seemed to work. Schneep relaxed, if only a little bit. He slowly blinked open his eyes, though he didn’t take his hands away from his ears. The first thing he saw was JJ, sitting next to him. JJ gave a little wave, a flutter of the fingers. He didn’t say anything either, maybe because Schneep would’ve freaked out at hearing a voice in his head.

Schneep tilted his head, eyes narrow. Wary, suspecting a trick. He realized that someone must’ve been holding him, and craned his head backwards. Upon seeing it was Chase, his eyes widened. His mouth opened, but nothing came out except for a strangled squeak.

“It’s fine,” Chase murmured. “It’s fine.” And he didn’t say anything else.

After a tense moment, Schneep seemed to realize Chase wasn’t going to shout at him like the silhouettes had. He slowly removed his hands from his ears, still bracing for a sudden attack. Still nothing. “Es tut mir Leid,” Schneep muttered.

Chase knew that one. He was pretty sure it meant something like ‘I’m sorry.’ “It’s okay,” he said. “I forgive you.” Because that was what Schneep needed to hear. Even if what had happened had all been a trick, he still felt guilty for it. So, it was time to ease that just a bit.

Schneep crumpled. He leaned against Chase, burrowing his face in his shirt. Chase didn’t move. He was afraid that if he did, his screaming instincts would take over and he would push Schneep away. And nobody wanted that right now.

After a few moments, Schneep pulled back. “We’re going to take you home,” Chase said. “Are you ready to go home?”

Tears instantly welled up in Schneep’s eyes. He nodded.

“Alright, then. JJ? You ready?”

Jameson nodded. He lay down on the floor, and Chase and Schneep followed his lead. A similar runic design from making the entrance appeared above each of them, though now the runes were different, and the triangles pointed outward. There was a flash of blue light, and the Nightmare was empty.

They’d entered the Nightmare at a little after two in the afternoon. It was now approaching six, and Jack still hadn’t moved. Well, he’d gotten a snack and grabbed his phone, but that was the only time. He was afraid that if he wasn’t there, something could happen to them. He didn’t know what, but when dealing with Anti anything was possible.

He was starting to worry, but then the blue light appeared. At first a gentle glow, outlining all of their bodies. Followed by an increase in intensity, then a flash. Chase flew into a sitting position, gasping. He took a few deep, shuddery breaths, then grabbed the nearest blanket and wrapped it around him. JJ sat up a bit slower, shaking his head. He brushed away the remains of the blue tears that had appeared when they’d entered the Nightmare. He looked at them curiously, then shrugged.

“You’re back!” Jack gasped. “What happened? Did you...?”

A small sound, halfway between a whimper and a groan, came from the bed. Jack stiffened, then spun around in the chair. Schneep was blinking his eyes. The static was gone, it was just regular blue, and he was blinking. His hand came up, slowly, trembling, and wiped away the last of the static tears. Unlike Chase and JJ, they’d left a permanent mark. There was now scarred lines, mimicking the shape of tears, following the path the static had taken. But he was—he was awake.

“Hen?” Jack asked, almost scared to say anything. “H-Henrik?”

Schneep’s head rolled towards him. “...Jack?” His voice was hoarse and rough, but he’d said something.

“Henrik!” Jack grabbed Schneep’s hand in excitement. “You’re back! Oh thank fucking god, you’re back! Oh my god!” A massive weight had just been lifted from his shoulders. Breathing was a bit easier now.

“Jack.” Schneep squeezed his eyes shut, then opened them wide again. “Something is wrong. Something is wrong.”

Jack’s smile faded a bit. “What’s wrong?”

“I cannot—I cannot see you.”

His heart stopped. Jack could only gape for a moment. He looked back at JJ and Chase, still sitting on the floor, but they looked as shocked as he was. “You...you can’t?” Jack asked. “Can you...see anything at all?”

Schneep hesitated for a moment. “Statisch.”

You didn’t have to know German to figure out what that meant. “And that’s—that’s all you can see?”

Schneep nodded. “It is everywhere.” His eyes were moving, rapidly darting back and forth and up and down. “I cannot—I can hear, I can feel, but I cannot—where am I?”

“You’re in my apartment,” Jack said. “Do you...do you know what happened?”

“Chase—”

“I’m right here,” Chase piped up. He climbed to his feet, walking over to stand next to Jack. “You missed an epic rescue mission.”

Schneep laughed hoarsely. “I can tell, I can tell, your voice is back. You are...” The small smile he’d gained dropped away again. “Chase, I had—I had very strange dreams. I am—I’m sorry.”

“They weren’t dreams,” Chase said sadly. “It’s...a long story. Maybe JJ can write out an explanation and we’ll read it to you. He’s a lot better at explaining things. And I told you I forgave you, didn’t I?”

Schneep’s eyes got watery at that. “Thank you,” he whispered. Then, after a moment of silence, he started to move. “I need to sit up.”

“I don’t think you can, dude,” Jack said. “You haven’t really moved in, like, four months.”

“Four—?!” Schneep choked. “What happened? Did my muscles, did they waste away?”

“No, don’t worry, we all took care of that,” Jack said reassuringly. “Mostly JJ. Speaking of which...” Jack turned around. “Stop sitting on the floor and get over here! This is a tender moment you need to be a part of!”

JJ chuckled at that, standing up. He walked over to the other side of the bed and grabbed Schneep’s other hand, giving it a tight squeeze.

Schneep closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “There is nothing here,” he muttered. “And that is good.” He opened his eyes again, though he might as well have kept them shut. “What happened while I was asleep?”

Jack grinned. “Well. We’ve got a lot of catching up to do.”

[races-erster]

just a vent

you all can ignore this if you want, and I’ll be putting the whole thing under the cut so it’s easier to skip over. It’s just I have too much to vent about for just 30 tags, so I used this instead...

I’m basically terrified of my entire life right now. Things have just gotten so bad and I don’t know what to do to get everything back on track. And I mean I’ve really gotten scared of everything.

I’m afraid to post original content on here for some reason. I guess I’m just worried that something will go wrong and I just,,,idk. I know this probably sonds stupid. I’m just scared that since I’ve been on a break, that people just kinda forgot about me or won’t care what I post anymore. Idk.

Band starts tomorrow too. I think I’m most afraid of that. After last season,,,I just don’t know. Everyone keeps telling me that I’ll be fine, but they just don’t understand what it’s like. I couldn’t walk for 6 months, and I know that isn’t as bad as other people have it, but it’s still terrifying to me. The longest that I hadn’t been able to walk before that was 2 weeks. It’s just scary. That entire situation lead to a decline in my physical, mental, and emotional health more than anything ever has before.

I have so many restrictions for band to the point where it’s ridiculous. I can’t run or jump. I can;t lunge or squat or get into a push up position. Hell, I can’t even stand on one leg or even speed walk. My doctor’s note literally says “must walk at a slow or moderate speed.” I can barely do anything. I’ll probably barely be able to march since the show opener’s tempo is 140 bpm. I just don't know what to do. I’m at a higher rate of getting hurt this year because you have more of a chance of injuring something if it’s already been hurt. My leg has been hurt 4 times out of 8 leg injuries total. And now it’s worse because I have CRPS, so I don’t have a pain tolerance and my nerves are sending jackshit to my brain (in terms of correct signals.)

Not to mention I lost all of my friends last year because whoever was near me or helped me throughout the season was made fun of because of it. I heard all sorts of rumors about me last year. Some were even said directly to my face rather than behind my back. 

I heard that I was ffacking because a sprained ankle didn’t take that long to heal:

(I tore my ligament all the way from my ankle to my knee. So yeah. That takes a while but still not 6 months.) 

Then I heard that I purposefully got hurt in order to get out of band:

(Here’s the thing. I did have a no running rule. But I thought it was over because I was cleared by doctors and physical therapy and my band director hadn’t really said anything about it, so I figured I could participate per usual. Apparently I was wrong. But even then, if I was to get hurt on purpose just to get out of band, why the hell would I even sign up for it? And then why would I try to fight through the pain during stretches until told by a section leader to sit down because my leg had already turned black and blue by the time stretches were over?  It makes no sense.)

Next I heard that I only got hurt so I could get attention:

(We’re back with that dumb “she got hurt on purpose” crap,,,no, I did not get hurt on purpose. No living soul would want to be on crutches for six months, have to hop their way down an entire football field or would want to do the same around a high school. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Also, I hate being the center of attention and having attention on me, so clearly the people who came up with that one don’t even know me.)

My favorite one though was that if I think I’m hurt, than I am and that I'm clinically insane because of it:

(This one hurt the most. It was started by one of my best friends and our section leader. My mom tried to explain to my section leader exactly what was wrong and how the bullying was making me want to quit marching band. He told my mom that he would take care of it, but when my mom told him that my nerves aren’t sending the right signals to my brain, her took that as “It’s all in her head.” Then he told everyone that and his girlfriend (my best friend) at the time started to say that I was insane and needed to be locked up in a nuthouse. I don’t know why they would do that to me…)

So yeah. I guess that’s why I’m so scared of starting band tomorrow. I don’t know who’s going to say what and I don’t know who already knows about my restriction or not. I just terrifies me that something is gonna happen again. 

I honestly think that may be why I’m still a little afraid to be on here and post my own stuff now: I don't want to be cast out again. I can’t be cast out again. I scares me so much when I know it probably shouldn’t. I know that you all are incredible people, but there are still those who leave hate when there was nothing done to provoke it.

And, god, I just remembered something that I really needed to vent about, but forgot until now and it’s not gonna really makes sense with what I just said, but in a way, it actually might?

So, a few months ago, I mentioned something about one of my friends asking me to prom, but he had been known to have a crush on me, so for the sake of this story, even though it has nothing to do with going to prom, I’ll be referring to him as Prom Boy.

So the Disney band trip was about a little over a month ago, and it was pretty fun, but of course it did have those moments. And unfortunately, those moments were caused by Prom Boy. He was in our group of friends that went around the parks together, and he was bearable most of the time. Or at least he was until my brother collapsed at the end of the day our second day there. My brother is okay now, but when we were trying to figure out what to do, Prom Boy said “There’s no point in us staying here, let’s just go.”

Now, listen, I tease my little brother a lot, but I’m also protective of him. So when this asshole told us all to just leave him and go back to the buses instead of wait with my brother, I naturally got pretty upset. I told him that if he wants to go back, he can, but I was going to stay with my brother. The rest of the group stayed with my brother and I while Prom Boy made his way back to the buses as he said, to save his “reputation.” *insert eyeroll here*

So we got my brother situated and made our way back to the hotel and all was good and dandy, until I woke up that morning. My brother had been in the hospital all night and was texting our Disney groups group chat saying that he was worried he wouldn’t get to march in the parade since we were doing it that day ( he made it in time by just 3 minutes.) Then as I kept reading, I saw a message from Prom Boy that said “dude stop being a baby who cares if you don’t get to be in the parade or not.” My brother and I have been going to Disney since he was 2 and I was 4, so for us, marching in that parade is a big deal because we’ve seen bands do that same thing since before we can even remember. I tried to explain the to Prom Boy, but he just didn’t care. Once again, he was the only one.

Two days later was when he started to be an ass to me and the rest of the group, not just my brother. He sent me into a breakdown and then an anxiety attack that day back to back. The breakdown was because he just kept deciding things for the entire group instead of consulting the rest of us. We were all supposed to eat at Margaritaville our last day in Florida with our big group of 14. They told us that we would have two separate tables in order to fit all of us, but they would be right next to each other. Then, we were lead to 2 tables that would hold 6 each and one table that would hold 2. We talked to management about fixing it, and they tried, but there was nothing they could do. That was okay. I was a little upset that we wouldn’t all be eating together, but it was okay and it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Then we were asked by the manager what we were planning on doing and without hesitation, Prom Boy said “we’re gonna eat somewhere else.” That doesn’t seem too bad, except we never talked or mentioned leaving and he just decided that based on what he wanted to do.

He got up and left before the 7 of us (the other 6 had already ordered) and he went to go find us a place to eat. We left and then I started to have a breakdown because he never took any of our thoughts into consideration and I had wanted the trip to be perfect, but everything just kept going wrong. So, the 7 of us went to eat at Hard Rock and we somehow picked up and either person from the band who wasn’t originally in out group. We were all waiting to order and I was still pretty upset, so I put my head down and just tried to block everything out for a little bit. When I felt okay enough to try to rejoin the conversation, I realized the group was taking bad about Prom Boy and how he manipulates everyone (true) and how he doesn’t understand the word “no” when it comes to the girls he hits on (also true.) 

So I finally look up, and, to my surprise, Prom Boy is standing there behind my friends ( so no one sees him other than me with his arms crossed. We didn;t tell him where we went to eat because we all needed a break and my phone had died. I was also way too shaky to hold my phone let alone text. So, there’s Prom Boy staring right at me. Or rather, there’s Prom Boy staring right at my boobs (he had been hitting on my for a year and a half even though he knew I had a boyfriend.) In about 5 seconds of seeing him standing there, I covered my face with my hands and I started to sob. I had a full on panic attack all because Prom Boy showed up, tracked us on the snapchat map, and was staring intently at my chest. My friends just thought I was still upset from the situation before, but they realized he was there. Prom Boy was demanding answers from everyone. Then, he tried to get me to explain what was going on, but I couldn’t breathe let alone talk. And it just made my attack worse. They finally got him to leave and my friend went off on him for trying to pressure me and for hitting on me nonstop to the point where I was afraid to be left alone with Prom Boy.

So, now, I can’t even hear Prom Boy’s name without having an anxiety attack, but the main reason why I just told that story is because he’ll be near me during the entire band season this year and then some, so I’m terrified of that. I’ve told my section that I can’t be near him and told them the story of what happened, but I’m just so terrified that he’s going to confront me or get near me. My friends said they’ll be there to stop them, but they’re usually on the other side of the field, whereas Prom Boy is right next to me.

So yeah. I’m terrified for tomorrow and I’m terrified of my life and there’s nothing I can really do about it because I’m ashamed to admit that this entire time I’ve been acting happy over the summer was just an act and that I’m just about as broken and depressed as I’ve ever been in my life.

Thanks if you took the time to read this. You really didn’t have to if you didn’t want to. This is still my only place to vent even if I am still a little wary about posting because I'm afraid to tell all of this to my family. I don’t want them to know. I haven’t even talked to my therapist about it because they just really wouldn’t understand. So yeah,,,

[elizabethemerald]

Shipping Game

I was tagged twice! Thanks to both @autumnalfallingleaves and @eurazba for this fun game!

Pick your top 10 ships without reading the questions. [or if you’re a one ship dedicated blog, feel free to answer all of them for just that one, or do all the ships from one fandom, this is just for fun].

1. Jlaireby - Jim x Claire x Toby

2. Barbmura - Barbara x Nomura

3. Hammerhunter - Jim x Toby

4. Girl Power Polycule - Darci x Claire x Shannon x Mary x Aja

5. Main Protagonists - Jim x Darci x Claire x Toby x Aja x Steve x Eli x Krel

6. Stricklakerot - Strickler x Barbara x Angor Rot

7. Blinkbarbmura - Blinky x Barbara x Nomura

8. Mary x Shannon

9. Darci x Claire x Toby (Does this have a ship name?)

10. Trolldads - Blinky x Aaarrrgghh

[God I have 6 poly ships in my top ten, and not a single het appearing one.]

Do you remember the episode/chapter/scene where you first started shipping 6? Stricklakerot

There wasn’t a canon scene but when I first saw this piece of artwork (X) I thought of it as a possibility, fell in love with it after that. 

What’s your favorite fanfiction for 4? Girl Power Polycule

Honestly, I don’t know that I’ve ever read a piece of fanfiction focusing on all of them. I am however thinking of writing that very story. 

What’s your favorite fan art/picture for 2? Barbmura

That is...really hard to say. I think it’s going to be this one (X) because it my dream to have an amazing wedding like this. 

What’s your favorite headcanon for 1? Jlaireby

I have so many headcanons for them, it’s hard to choose. I think my favorite and one I’ve written about several times is that Toby will video call Claire and Jim as “Video dates” while they are on the road to New Jersey. It’s the cutest headcanon to me. 

What do you like most about the dynamic between the people of 7? Blinkbarbmura

This is one of the ships that is the most likely to absolutely lose their minds if something happens to Jim. Barbara was willing to throw hands with Merlin when Jim was hurt. Blinky straight up blew up a dude when Jim was on trial. Nomura has no hesitation with doling out punishment, and willing sacrificed herself to allow Jim to escape the Darklands. Together there isn’t a restraining force among them. So Jim gets hurt, and these three rain an ungodly hell on the perpetrator. 

When 9  10 have sex is it more giggly or more serious?  Trolldads

Uhhhh, I’m not to create a head canon for how three teen aged kids have sex, so how about I do Number 10 instead? I think it would be more serious. Blinky and Aaarrrgghh can be silly and lighthearted, but I feel like when its just them things are more serious. 

Out of all the ships who do you think have the best chemistry?

In order of best chemistry my ships are: Jlaireby, Hammerhunter, and Darci x Claire x Toby. These kids are the ones who have gone through the most. Their relationship is started on being best friends. There’s nothing these kids can’t do together. 

Which ship has the strongest bond?

I feel like saying the Main Protagonists is a little cheating, so I will say Barbmura. These two women, have a longer life experience and more in common throughout. They understand each other, understand what drives the other. 

Which ship do you spend the most time reading fanfiction for/talking/writing about?

Again, in order of how much I’ve written:  Barbmura,  Jlaireby, and Mary x Shannon. These three ships are the focus of my entire After the Eternal Night extended universe. 

Which one was your first ship?

Jlaireby. Being poly myself, I’m always all for shipping all the protagonists. Teen Titans? Lovers. The Mystery Gang? Lovers. The Trollhunters Trio? Lovers

If 6 were to break up, how would it happen? Stricklakerot

Unfortunately it would probably be because of Strickler and Angor’s history. One did kind of enslave the other. That might be hard to forgive. 

Between 3 and 8, who would last the longest if they were in a zombie apocalypse?

Ok this is between Hammerhunter  and  Mary x Shannon. That’s a tough call. Fortunately it just happened to line up two of pair ships, rather than my many poly ships, so no unfair advantage. Jim’s biggest weakness during a zombie apocalypse would be his weakness to sun (I actually have an AU idea focusing on this idea, that I haven’t started writing yet) I think Jim and Toby would win out. They are experienced fighters with magical armor and weapons. Shannon has magic, and Mary’s no slouch in a fight, but I just think experience would win out. Or they would end up working together and be unstoppable. 

Does 7 hide their relationship, and if so, why? Barbmura

I think there might be a brief period where they hide their relationship. Barbara may be unsure how Jim will feel about her dating his father figure Blinky and his former enemy Nomura, much less at the same time. I think when Jim tells he is dating Claire and Toby at the same time, she implies that she might also be dating multiple people. Jim guesses right away that her partners are Blinky and Nomura. He’s happy for her and for them. Toby and Claire are the ones to give them both the shovel talk. 

What is 9′s favorite date to go on? Darci x Claire x Toby

So far in my writing they have gone on a date to a coffee shop and a funeral. Of the two they definitely seemed to prefer the coffee shop. I think staying in would probably be their favorite dates in the future. 

What’s your favorite canon moment between 10? Trolldads

So my two favorite moments are when Blinky lovingly touches Aaarrrgghh’s statue in the library while Jim is in the Darklands and when Blinky is human and Aaarrrgghh is wounded by Creeper’s Sun and they are both being awkward around each other and so sad that things are weird. 

What do 5 argue most about? Main Protagonists

Ok. Ha ha ha. Take your pick. There are a lot of powerful personalities here. A lot of different ways of approaching problems. They’ve all had their share of arguments about how to deal with their trials. I mean even in a domestic setting where they have a massive house in Arcadia, or in the Royal palace on Akiridion-5, or cave in New Trollmarket. There could be arguments about so many things. I love them all, but there are quite a few hot heads in this group. 

If you had to pick an OTP which would you chose?

Even the concept of choosing one can go fuck itself. The closest I could get would be the choosing two. All the Teenagers and All the Adults. Every teen is dating every other one. Every adult is dating every other adult. Two massive love webs. Who even chooses?

What’s the biggest kink that 1 2 shares?  Barbmura

Uh,, Still not making sexy things for teens so for number 2 instead? That’s a hard one. I don’t think its anything related to bondage or domination (Mostly because i feel like they are both doms) I think it would be “marking” the other. Scratches, bites, hickeys and the like. In her troll form Nomura has to be careful not to make the marks permanent. Barbara will cover her body in lipstick kisses, when they are both human, the fun can get intense. 

Do 8 want children? Mary x Shannon

Hell yeah! Shannon is from a long line of lesbian witches. She knows a spell that can allow two women to conceive. Their kids are going to be so pretty and they’ll have a share of Shannon’s magic. Plus they will have so many magical aunts and uncles as the rest of the Reckless Club jump over themselves to take care of the kids. 

Between 10 and 4, which would you rather become canon?

Which one is more likely? Trolldads. Which one would I prefer? The lesbian power polycule. Like let’s get all the ladies to date each other. It’s super gay and very wholesome. And they can all kick the asses of any guy who messes with them. 

Does 2 do much PDA? And does it annoy their friends? Barbmura

Uh, probably yeah. In my story I’m writing for these two, they are pretending to date at first so they do a lot of PDA to prove that they are dating. Then when they are actually dating that trend continues. They are both in other matters pretty private people and probably wouldn’t normally, but they love each other so much they can’t help it. The PDA annoys Toby and Jim but no one else minds. Barbara is basically Toby’s mom, and literally Jim’s and they are both done with having to see their mom kiss changelings who tried to kill them. 

Which of the ships would you say is the most romantic with each other?

Jlaireby, hands down. These kids who have, almost literally, been to hell and back for each other? Oh yeah. They know exactly what the others need, when to hug, when to kiss, when to give them space and when to hold them tight like they will never let go. They all go above and beyond for each other Valentines is a glorious disaster every single year. And their anniversaries (there are multiple depending on when each felt they started dating the other. None of them agree on the actual dates) are always magnificent. 

How would the proposal between 5 go?

I already wrote this! (X) Like so many things, it’s a god damn disaster of a romantic night. All the planners and over thinkers interacting with all of the spur of the moments. They didn’t even mean for it to be this poly or this gay, but it sure as hell was. After everyone proposed and danced they retired to Jim’s house (it was closest) and fell asleep on the floor in the living room. The next morning they tried to sort out who had proposed to who. The relationship web became increasingly silly. A few folks who didn’t get the chance to propose to everyone they wanted to did so in the morning. Which made the relationship web even more difficult to read. They gave up when someone asked what a wedding like that would look like. I am now going to write this up!!!! This is great. 

Who cooks more often in 3? Hammerhunter

Is there ever any doubt? Jim all the way. 

I’ll Tag @yellowmagicalgirl, @imthegingerninja and @sombra-core Uh if anyone else wants to do this please feel free! I don’t know how many people have been tagged already. 

[dolgelo]

ROMANCE HEADCANONS 

NAME:  Mitsuru Kirijo NICKNAME:  Senpai, President of student council, Miss/Milady, Imperious Queen Of Executions and also “Mitchan” by Teddie in PQ. GENDER:  Female. ROMANTIC/SEXUAL ORIENTATION:  Demiromantic & demisexual. While I think she’s leaning on boys considering her Social Link and words, I doubt she’d ever think of commitments of that kind without having a solid bond with the other party before. PREFERRED PET NAMES:  She really doesn’t care much for nicknames and such but she generally does not like most of them. The Imperious-Queen-Of-Executions and Mitchan have shown her actively not liking them. If she is especially close to the other party involved and the nickname does not comprehend execution jokes, she may close an eye or two. May or may not have grown fond of the idea Akihiko would have called her “princess” back in middle school days when he didn’t still call her by her first name just to tease her. 

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:  Canon-ly speaking she’s “sitting alone on her icy throne” – if we must take Arena games for accurate. I usually portray her confused and crushing relatively hard depending on the partner and the situation, but that’s not too different from the reality coming out of her Social Link interactions. Mitsuru speaks of a very important person in her life during the Arena ending, which may be a hint at a past relationship with the Protagonist or the fiancé drama she went through. The spicy tension between her and Akihiko as adults is fun to write. FAVORITE CANON SHIP:  She has no canon ships, my friends. No one does in Persona but Junpei and Chidori. The hints at my favs tho... the hints hidden in books... cowards... FAVORITE NON-CANON SHIP:  I am a proud Akimitsu ambassador until my dying day, I just love them too much. And if you’d let me do this, I would talk about them nonstop for days. The fact p3 and its spinoffs, novels, books and other merchandise made this ship walk on the thin line between canon and not are also fueling my soul so much you guys, you need to know it. So I’m really not sure whether the place for this ship is in this section, actually.

OPINION ON TRUE LOVE:  Growing up I feel Mitsuru came to think that it’s something almost unattainable, that there’s not such a thing as that unless you search for it in novels and romance books. The idea of finding a perfect partner is rather alien to her after all she had to endure, yet also mainly for mere lack of time and patience; secondly, her heritage and family name don’t make things easier for her on that front - which makes her pretty melancholic when it comes to love and descriptions of it. Still, she remains definitely the romantic type. True love may be as fortuitous as finding a precious gem somewhere -- hard but not impossible. She is not searching actively for that but, also due to her Arcana-based traits, is comparable to a great blessing and stroke of gratuitous luck. OPINION ON LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT:  That’s even worse than true love for her. She’d consider it something more keen to a mere infatuation - typical of youngsters or of people with no interests in deepening a bond beforehand. Since she never experienced it, Mitsuru bases the phenomenon on a hormonal illusion / physical appearance and beauty taking heed of one’s mind and nothing more. Well, she’s more of a brain-type anyway and always will remain so... but with age, she might come to understand what triggers “love at first sight” slightly more, and maybe to excuse it even. She falls in love just with people she know she can trust and that mentally would be able to challenge her own skills and... yeah, kids, max your Academics. HOW ‘ROMANTIC’ ARE THEY?:  Mitsuru can be too romantic at times-- a fact that deeply embarrasses the girl. For the longest time, she’s been reading romance novels of all ages and times, developing one idealistic version of the sentiment behind it and the dynamics two lovers have, according to classic literature. It’s a wrong impression but that’s all she was allowed to know of, I guess. I often repeat that she kinda feels in love with the idea of being in love, and being loved back, more than the idea of sharing her life and intimacy with a person so close to her -- she’s not experienced and she has her own thoughts, but that doesn’t mean it won’t change as time passes.

IDEAL PHYSICAL TRAITS:  Well, Mitsuru is a pro-fencer and is extremely dedicated to physical appearance and beauty. She’d love someone who puts great care in that, it’d mirror a part of her she holds very dearly, so it’s easy to imagined it. IDEAL PERSONALITY TRAITS:  Definitely intelligence and positive academic curiosity. It all fascinates her, with the possibility of being committed with someone as dedicated to studies as she is. Again, study harder, kids, and Mitsuru might notice you. UNATTRACTIVE PHYSICAL TRAITS:  Not actually physical but it is definitely not a personality trait. It’s headcanon time: I have always thought Mitsuru would have, BUT ONLY during her teen years, not have minded much someone smoking  ( perhaps with her fiancé also smoking too, eh, we don’t really know much ). She wouldn’t have minded not because she’s a rebel^TM, nor because she’d smoke herself -- quite the contrary, instead. Having developed a sort of “Electra complex” for her father  ( unfortunately confirmed by the books too ),  and being her father a smoker too, I hc’d she wouldn’t have been bothered by this trait, in a partner, simply because it would have reminded her of Takeharu. BUT. But. But. Actually, with years, the indifference faded away and she does not want someone actively smoking next to her – it is also a big unhealthy habit, and again, Mitsuru being an athlete would really care about it too. UNATTRACTIVE PERSONALITY TRAITS:  Basically all that her fiancé proves to be when scolding her for hesitating before a date: being arrogant, a liar, someone way too domineering - for the wrong reasons - and controlling, and so on.

DO THEY HAVE A TYPE?  Yes, she does and you can’t deny it. AVERAGE RELATIONSHIP LENGTH:  Oh no, she has zero true experiences, because the fiancé arrangement is just a source of angst for her - something she did not choose for herself but simply accepted to go through for the well-being of her Group. She never saw herself into it due to his “asshole-ry” but she’s not the type who’d be down for small adventures or quite insignificant flirts. She commits, one way or another. So be warned. Red cranes only have a partner, jan... PREFERRED NON-SEXUAL INTIMACY:  Probably intimate, soft touching, stroking or playing with her hair  /  the other’s hair. Do you know how much care she puts on the beauty of her hair ?  Mitsuru letting someone else touch her curls would be a sign of complete trust and love. She’s not too fond of hugs or frequent contact per se unless she gets used to them, which may require time.  COMMITMENT LEVEL:  As I said before, she’d give all she can for her partner, and with no reserves. Almost to extreme levels, ahah. Her trust and love have to be conquered through tears and sweat. She will haunt your dreams and never forgive you if you don’t do the same for her and still proclaim yourself to be her second half. She’s not spoiled or anything - she’s definitely not a primadonna too. but she wants love and romance to be true if really pursued, all of it, 100%, and if you’re sure of it as she is, then why are you even bothering ?  She’s Mitsuru hecking Kirijo, my dudes.  OPINION ON PUBLIC AFFECTION:  Did someone order a flustered Mitsuru saying nonsense out of sheer frustration ?  If said public signs of affection are almost hidden, too-subtle-for-you or happening in not crowded spaces -- or simply at home, when no one can see her, then perhaps she may close an eye or two. She’s not as bold as that. Stroking of hands, very gentle hand-holding... that is alright, but kisses or anything more than that is seriously borderline for her... unless it’s somewhere closed and private where no one can see you.   PAST RELATIONSHIPS:  Well, Mitsuru ended the marriage agreement before it was too late like a true boss, so don’t test her, she’ll make you cry. Aside from that, nothing relevant as I said before – mc’s relationship with her might have happened but has never been confirmed and the fact it ends right a couple of days before Nyx will always irk me ahahah 

TAGGED:  stolen oleh TAGGING:  @sabazio  @enshijou  @aragakisan  and whoever