#but yeah also it would be triggering as fuck and when I saw someone point it out it all clicked

[neatfrog]

I’m honestly surprised at myself for not noticing/thinking about how Stolas was very likely triggered by Blitzø stomping after him and screaming/insulting him because he dealt with it so much from Stella. As someone who has *been* in an abusive relationship, it takes so long to get out of that fight or flight mindset where you just shut down the second someone starts yelling (at least in my case). It’s been like 8 years now and I still flinch at loud voices even if they’re not directed at me.

soooo yeah I don’t blame Stolas for booting him out at that point

[bbyboybucket]

So I wrote up all this stuff weeks ago and drafted it and forgot about it until I seen these tags from @kahuna-burger

And they are absolutely right. And I’m so glad someone agrees with me on this analogy, because this is EXACTLY how I see him, and exactly what I get into below. This is the whole thing I was writing up previously:

“The winter soldier was treated like a living weapon.”

Mmm, yes. The whole living weapon thing is not a wrong metaphor. But I’d argue that there’s something else far more accurate (aka what the now added tags say).

He wasn’t their weapon. He was their dog. In such an uncanny way, almost literal sense. I wouldn’t even say a guard dog, I’d actually say he was Hydra’s hunting dog.

I mean think about it. Really. They actually treated him like a dog.

He wears a harness. He wears a fucking muzzle for gods sake.

But that’s just the bare minimum of similarities.

What do they do when he gets out of line? To punish him, to put make him obey and learn to fall back into good behavior? They shock him. Just like how people have always used shock collars and electric fences for dogs. When he’s been “bad”, when he does something he’s not supposed to, he gets shocked to correct that behavior.

They also smack him and get physical. People don’t do that with weapons. There’s no point in that. And you wouldn’t wanna damage or harm a weapon. But people do smack dogs. They hit their dogs when they don’t behave or do something wrong because harm, pain, and damage will teach it. Just like it teaches him. And they’ll heal so it’s not a concern.

He was trained to obey commands. Just like dogs. He does any little thing he’s told because he’s conditioned with a rewards system. He even has specific command words that trigger compliance. Just like you teach a dog to sit or roll over with trigger words, he has em too. I mean literally, he has a Pavlovian response to said words. And what was the original Pavlov experiment done on? A dog. The only difference is he doesn’t get physical treats. His treat is praise, which they manipulated him into being desperate for. They even go as far to incentivize him with this praise (think about the bank scene, where Pierce praises him), just like you would present a dog with a treat when you want it to do a trick. Hell, actually praise is a way you reward dogs too, because they listen and learn when you tell them they’re a “good boy, good dog”.

Hydra asserts their dominance over him just in case he turns on them, just to remind of who’s the “alpha”. Because they know (just like big dog owners) that he can tear them up, he can attack and shred them to pieces, but if he thinks he’s not the “alpha” then he’ll back down.

And yeah, he’s protective and reliant on his “owners” like most dogs would be. But like I said, not just a guard dog. A hunting dog. Because just like people teach their dogs to track down and go after bears, squirrels, dear, etc. he was also taught how to track down stuff to kill. Stuff that his owner wanted dead. That’s his whole purpose, to hunt for them.

Also, think about how Hydra obtained him. It’s like if a person saw an injured dog in a ditch, brought it to a vet to heal up, then took it home to have as their own pet. Because that’s exactly what they did with him. It’s just the owner was an abusive one.

He wasn’t treated like some expensive tank or powerful arsenal of guns. He was treated like well trained hunting dog.

[brucewaynehater101]

Look maybe it’s just me but if I saw my little brother spiraling I wouldn’t just corner him in a graveyard once to talk about therapy then let him fuck off to go globe trotting

I mean... kind of I'm trying to be more canon accurate in my posts, so I apologize for correcting ya.

Cassie was the one to meet Tim in the graveyard. Dick met him at the city bounds.

Here's a funny pic of Dick as payment

Bruh. I'd either be so intimidated or so mad if Dick did this to me.

"We need to talk." After what Tim walked into of Damian wearing the Robin suit because Dick didn't talk to him until after the suit was made? I'd be mad (this is not an anti Dick. This is just how I would feel).

Anyways. Dick didn't let Tim go. Tim held him at staff point and guilt tripped the man into letting him go (not anti-Tim either).

Re-reading it again, I still think Tim is an unreliable narrator.

However, Tim is all like, "Hey, I know I sound nuts. I know how it looks, but I know I'm right." He provided examples of how he can, in fact, understand where Dick is coming from.

And then Dick is all like, "I know how you feel, but you need a therapist." Which... yes, but that's not the point. Tim is bringing up all this horrid shit in his life and acknowledging how he understands Dick's viewpoint (while also saying Dick is only there cause Cassie called him). Then Dick claims to understand Tim's perspective, but only from Dick's "Tim must be seeing things where isn't anything instead of grieving" viewpoint.

Basically, they aren't communicating with each other efficiently (they are also physically fighting each other while doing this too).

It's a mess. A hot mess.

Dick is trying:

But he's also just not listening to Tim. He's not giving Tim the benefit of the doubt. He's concerned af, but he's not listening or trusting Tim. He's just going at it from his own worried mentality that Tim's going down a conspiracy bender. I don't blame Dick for not communicating well (poor man is going through so much at this point [Damian, JLA, switching to Batman, etc]).

However, I also understand Tim's perspective. He doesn't trust Dick to actually listen to him. Dick wants to help Tim Dick's way and not what Tim believes he needs.

I personally get very very triggered if my boundaries are not met. If someone held on after I told them to let go? Yeah. Hands are being thrown. I also get triggered if people try to force me to do shit, don't listen to me, or try to do "what's best for me" when I've told them no. Real quick way to get cut off by me.

That's off topic, lmao.

Anyways, Dick kind of let Tim go, but that's because Tim forced him to. It wasn't because Dick didn't care, but he didn't care in the way Tim wanted him to (debatable if that's not how Tim needed either).

I'm curious. Are there any comics that cover that scene from Dick's POV? I'd appreciate it if anyone could let me know ^^

Also, I agree I would not do what Dick did here. On the other hand, my siblings and I have worked very very hard for the relationships we have. It's taken years of trial and error to get the boundaries and level of communication the way it is. We all agree to allow the others to make decisions for themselves and fight their own battles unless otherwise asked (I had a habit of trying to help and fix the situation for them when I was a teen. Now we just inform and offer help. Lots of acknowledgment for boundaries as well). If my siblings want to make dumb decisions, I let them. Just as they would for me. I might tell them I think that's dumb as hell, but it's their life.

If Tim was my sibling, I'd say something like, "I'm not sure I believe you, but I trust you. If this is what you need, if you think this is true, I'll support you. Would you like my direct assistance with this?"

If they say no, then I'll respond with, "Okay. I can handle Gotham as long as you keep me in the loop. If it's been 48 hours without contact, I will hunt you down. I love you."

Then we'd hug goodbye.

On the other other hand, there's not this age gap between us. Dick is 7 or so years older than Tim, and Tim is a teen. Dick may feel it's his responsibility to look after Tim and might be hitting the road bumps I did with my siblings (of giving them the respect and trust to handle their own issues as well as know what they need).

So, the situation is a hot mess :)

[synthetickitsune]

The8 (Seventeen) | Morning anxiety fluff | 0.9k

You knew you were fucked as soon as you woke up. Something didn't feel right - a sense of wrongness permeating everything. The darkness was thicker than it should be. The light from the outside seemed too red. It triggered something inside you that caused your mind to spiral. You knew you wouldn't fall asleep again. 

And that would be fine. You could handle getting through the day sleep deprived, having years of experience at this point. But lying back down, you couldn't find a comfortable position and even as the sky became bright outside, you kept tossing and turning. Also fine. If your boyfriend wasn't as light of a sleeper as he is.

“Can’t sleep?” Minghao asks, barely awake, voice heavy and thick. It has this comforting heft to it - just as his arm that prods at your waist and sneaks under your body, wrapping around you and pulling you closer. 

“Yeah,” you sigh, “Too many thoughts. Sorry I woke you up.”

He hums, thoughtfully, and falls silent. You feel his breath on your skin, so even and calm you think he’s already asleep. Meanwhile, inside your head it’s the exact opposite. You pick out details from previous days, all the ifs that could go wrong, the tone someone used in a conversation. Outside, the sky shifts closer to different hues of blue with each passing minute when suddenly - darkness. 

The world goes black.

His hand is warm, and some deep brownish orange comes in lines between his fingers as he covers your eyes. You hear him move and feel the bed dip right behind you until your body is tilting and only stops when your back meets his chest.

“What-”

“Just listen to the birds sing,” he murmurs. There are birds outside, loud and noisy, but you can’t say that listening to them is what you wanna be doing. 

"Hao…" you whine. Your dismay for the exercise is clear in your voice.

"You let me blind you," he reprimands gently, "So trust me."

You do trust him. Even if you can’t see, you’d do anything he tells you - except apparently right now, except with something as simple as just being present in the moment. As if he could sense your reluctance, he disarms you by pressing his lips against the back of your neck.

“Shhhh,” he breathes and it sends shivers down your spine, “Do it for me, darling.”

You don’t dare roll your eyes even if he couldn’t see it anyway. Instead you close them and try to do as he says. Now that you’re focused, you can hear a variety of bird voices.

It's almost like a conversation in a different language, a multitude of them, and usually you'd love it, would be excited by it, but right now you're defiantly infuriated by it. You can't even say why.

"Hear the birds sing," Hao whispers again, pulling you closer. That works much better - his voice and touch, "Hear the wind in the trees. Remember the one we saw yesterday?"

You nod, and despite yourself you smile. "Yeah. It was in full bloom. I haven't noticed before."

You feel his smile on your skin. Much better than listening to stupid birds.

"Then listen and imagine. The wind blowing past, carrying the petals all around. Can you hear the birds?"

Yes, you want to tell him, but I'd love to listen to you instead. Yet you don't, because you know he's tired and he needs to sleep as much as you do. So you listen again, and nod.

"What do they look like?" he asks, but you’re distracted by him nuzzling into your shoulder.

“I don’t know,” you say quicker than you can realize you’re snapping at him, and you’re immediately trying to make amends, “Sorry.”

“Just imagine,” fortunately, your boyfriend is a very patient man. 

Ashamed by your earlier outburst, you do imagine the birds behind the sounds. And doing so, you realize you know some of those birds. Like the tiny brown and gray one who just has to be the culprit behind the happy chirping. The majestic black birds who must be the ones cawing. And then-

“The sharp sound - that’s the one that used to sit on our kitchen window,” you say, receiving a hum and another kiss, “The one that stopped coming.”

You keep emotions out of your voice even though you’re admittedly still bitter about being abandoned without any good reason by a bird you thought liked your window. What did you do wrong? You left it alone, you were mindful of it, you even avoided your own kitchen when it sat there to let it rest. Sometimes you even left it seeds to snack on…

Before you realize, tension is melting away from your body as you remember the bird. The paranoid thoughts quieten down faced with wonder. Your mind drifts all over the place. You feel like you’re floating among the blue and the birds. 

You get startled when Hao’s chest vibrates with a chuckle. Still smiling, he kisses your shoulder. 

“Better?” he asks, softly, already falling asleep now that his mission’s accomplished. You snuggle further under the covers.

“Thank you,” you say, even though you really mean i love you. You have a feeling he knows anyway.

[bubbarnes]

God forbid Seb should be a rational individual and say, “yeah, I don’t agree with this or even like him, but he’s still human.” The pearl clutching and the calls for him to loudly and obnoxiously say how much he hates him are exactly what he’s addressing. We, as a society, need to grow the fuck up. You can dislike or disagree with someone without being immature and irrational when speaking about him. I’ve never liked Trump but the constant temper tantrums from people who hate him are downright embarrassing. Really? He just lives rent free in your brain, huh?

It’s also deeply amusing to see how triggered people were by saying “we all have a little Trump in us” because WOW did some people prove him right with their responses. I saw some Trump-level tantrums. I’ll give you an example of how Seb’s observation applies to me: I’m stubborn as hell. I’m also very driven and have trouble accepting defeat. There’s the Trump in me. Doesn’t mean I like him, doesn’t mean I’m evil, doesn’t mean I hate women. I acknowledge that I am not perfect. Some people in this fandom should really try it.

Good on Seb for being the first person who, despite openly disliking Trump, has the class and intelligence to speak about him like a grown adult. There are people in much higher positions than him (and much lower positions) who should learn to do the same.

this is... good god, babe, i wish i had a good mind at this point and that my english wasn't that broken so i could express my feelings towards this whole thing.

just, your mind? like, we very much have the same thoughts. people want to blame him so badly, 1) for taking this role? when he has been saying for yearsss and even more recently that he loves taking roles that are challenging, kinda fucked up and more and 2) they want him to trash talk about him so bad it's insane, the man it's doing his job, like it's not the same when i hate my job and tell people around, you know? and it's even worse when we know the boogeyman have some fucking weird and maniac people following him.

sometimes I feel like just because I am a fan, I am always so "wow" with everything Sebas says but the way he puts his ideas out there? his mind? like, you can see when he has so many ideas running through his head, kinda makes him stutter and he just chuckles but continues and it makes me kinda sad when he wants to keep the conversation going but some people is like "okay so, whatever, next question" and i don't see his fandom talking about those things either.

and yes, he very much hates the boogeyman but i like when he is like "yes, he's so fucked up and if he used that mind for something actually good, would be amazing. but whatever". makes me think that people feel like if he doesn't talk about him, it's because he admires and praise him? which is absurd, i guess.

[gwaaaaar]

Making Some Goddamn Sense Out of Team 3

EDITED for Ganji's official letter. I deleted this because erm. Didn't want someone to get on my ass. But yeah reuploaded :3 and information updated to avoid misinfo.

Spoilers for Ganji Birthday Letter ahead under the cut. I have been wracking my brain for days thinking about this goddamn letter. Thinking about gannieaesvic’s group in general. For the past 4 years I’ve been collecting information. Here is what I have gathered based on facts from the letters. For speculation, I will be stating what is my personal speculation and dear reader it will be up to you whether or not you think it has basis in canon. 😭 I’m still kind of heartbroken over what transpired… (brown people never win oml) (AND BIPOLAR PEOPLE TOO) but I will try to keep my personal feelings out of my fact-compiling. At the end though I will be discussing some personal thoughts!

ALSO… yeah so. TW for self-harm and racism/ableism. The first is going to be mentioned quite a bit because of someone, if those depictions upset you this is your warning.

To get this out of the way: Ganji self-harms when in a manic state. In his 2023 letter when he was in the detention center, everytime he was triggered by bright lights he would hold his head and bang his head against the wall or try to snatch the candles. LEADING INTO SPECULATION ZONE!!! Apparently according to who wrote that letter, he has a scar on his forehead which may imply that this is a very very frequent event. Hold onto this idea for a bit.

With that piece of background information out of the way, onto the actual match lore:

Aesop's 2021 letter takes place on the fifth day. He states “everyone is finally here” which is strange as fuck because he was the last to arrive on day 2. The way he says it implies that there are more people than him, Ganji, Annie and Victor. So let's rely on Annie’s letter instead.

On Annie’s first day, Victor arrives first, then Ganji. Although for Ganji she says “he was unlike any other before him” which honestly makes it sound like there were more people before Victor… but let's ignore that for now.

On her first day, she gets scared of Ganji and runs to her room, but when she listens in to his room, she hears thumping noises that grow in excitement, and when she knocks she notices hesitation and caution, which makes her think Ganji is like her.

So apparently the noise coming from his room is from him practicing to relieve anxiety! In his backstory it's mentioned that his neighbors heard loud noises from his room so that confirms what he must've been doing back then.

Ganji at that point had escaped the detention center where he had been locked in a dark room and practically dehumanized by a white man yet again, so yeah I think he’s reasonably pissed. If it weren’t for the events that transpired before the match I would almost say his rough attitude is out of character because Ganji’s own neighbors describe him as “soft-spoken” even though they were scared of him.

Moving on: on Annie’s second day, Aesop arrives. During dinner she hears mysterious footsteps and mentions that that was the second time “she saw him”. If she meant Aesop, wow what a terrible way to portray that like. The way she describes dinner, you would assume everyone’s there. She said everyone was seated during dinner and Victor was on a sofa. Idfk who else would be making those footsteps and looking at her weird because everyone’s already there and she’s seen them like more than twice probably in those two days.

Heading into the speculation zone: I do wonder, could there possibly be a fifth member? There is no mention of a hunter in this match at all. The repeated usage of words that make it sound like there are more people in Aesop and Annie’s personal letters even though there are none is so incredibly strange. I’m sure it’s a wonky translation but like. Come on.

Back to the mainline. So. In Victor's 2021 letter he mentions “But then I remembered the rule that we should not talk to each other, so I gathered the courage to open the door.” We can actually maybe pin down which day this rule was introduced.

In Aesop’s 2021 letter he states the game will start in 3 days. A match is usually 8 days (at least Emma’s was from 6-13, so 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13) so we can date Aesop's letter from the fifth day. He mentions that he finally settled on Victor as a target and will send his “first letter tomorrow” so the sixth day. Circle back to Victor’s 2021 letter and he mentions Aesop has sent him a third letter. So on days 6, 7, 8, after dinner, Victor has received letters. And Victor mentions their match will be tonight and they’ve already had dinner, dating that letter to the final day. SO we can try to more or less safely assume that around the fifth day, this rule was implemented.

Speculation zone again: if I had to guess why, I think it was implemented after Ganji was released from his dark room so it would be harder for him to figure out who wrote him that note, and if they actually wrote what was written.

Back to the facts. So we have descriptions of days 1, 2, 5, 8. We need to find out when and what happened in the other 5 days.

OK I lied, maybe we aren’t out of the speculation zone. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say on days 3-4, Ganji had his incident where Annie accidentally triggers him, presumably using a lantern while she was out and about because their encounter happens at night. Now the thing is, she was drugged, and that’s why she started being more active at night. Ganji was already kind of a night owl because of his mania. We can deduce that around Days 2-3, she was starting to get drugged. And since her reactions triggered Ganji’s own before he got the “supplies”' which seem to be mood stabilizers judging from their later scuffle, I’m gonna assume he was getting drugged with anxiety drugs after day 4.

Victor mentions on day 8 (2021 birthday letter) that for the first time ever his door was knocked, not the others knocking their own door to get his attention. And the loudness of it was from Ganji. Before that, at 10 in the morning Annie gave him a letter, and then later he got a letter from Aesop. Victor has never gotten a letter from Ganji and the fact Ganji knocks on his door instead is unusual. It could indicate Ganji doesn't know how the system works. Hold that thought for a speculation later.

“Written notes are the perfect form of proof to sow discord and expose secrets, and they acted as an effective catalyst for the development of the experiment’s middle and late stages.” This was in Victor’s case file. I’m assuming Days 1-3 is the early stage, day 4-6 is middle, and day 7-8 is late. If I am correct, this may fall in line with my theory that on Day 5, the letters system was implemented by the experimenters.

It is mentioned that Annie tried telling Aesop and Victor she was uncomfortable by Ganji but they just didn’t care. So what the hell was the reason behind them forcibly holding Ganji down and throwing him in a dark room??? Did they know that bright lights triggered him??? Did they think he was gonna hurt them? Because at most, Ganji would’ve been holding his head in his hands and hitting it against a wall and screaming or trying to snatch the light source Annie was using… Did they put him in a dark room for his own protection??? Like at least Aesop would want his corpses to be intact and undamaged but like why does Victor gaf??? He isn’t the most compassionate. LIKE VICTOR??? HE GOT UP HIS ASS AND ACTUALLY TOOK ACTION??? It’s just. Strange to me.

No fucking wonder Ganji was pissed holyyyy shittttt. White man after white man locking him in dark rooms.

Keep note of Annie’s expression of discomfort because I will be touching on this later.

So I’m assuming Ganji would've been released from confinement on the fifth day or so after receiving the note. And that’s when the notes system was implemented, he could’ve been confused as to what to do especially since no one was verbally talking to each other. So he could have observed the system they had and tried following it to send Annie a message back. This is all speculation again, just the best way I can piece the timeline together.

So after Victor’s 2021 letter, they meet up and Annie tries triggering him BUT he takes his mood stabilizers!!! Yippee!!! And he’s like, nice try bitch, they get in a fight but the lantern gets toppled over by Annie by accident. Annie escapes with her catapult which is. Strange like actually where the fuck did they meet up how does she have enough space to place that and use it… whatever anyways she escapes, Ganji’s stuck in the fire and tries finding an escape route, he sees Victor, Aesop and Annie together and gets pissed when Victor goes back in the fire. Annie tries to get the situation under control but Aesop just decides to kill Ganji with her before killing her himself.

MINOR inconsistency with Aesop’s case file, where it is mentioned that after the “prey” (Victor) goes missing, Ganji gets violent. “It wasn’t until the prey went missing that No. 3-1-4 lost their cool and became extremely violent, and the plan was interrupted, forcing No. 3-?-1 to show his inner personality.”

“Once the prey was lost, No. 3-?-1 was triggered to eliminate No. 3-1-4, who interrupted his plan, and to make it his goal to eliminate No. 3-1-2.” Two things: again what is WITH THIS FUCKING WORDING. Before Victor’s case file, it legit sounded like the prey was someone else. The only reason we know it’s Victor is because the circumstances line up. Besides that, How did Ganji interrupt his plan to embalm Victor? AND the most damning inconsistency of all, when they say Victor goes missing, it makes it sound like Ganji thinks Aesop did something to Victor and that’s why he gets violent . WHICH IS PECULIAR BECAUSE the group reunites at one point and that’s when Victor goes back into the fire for his letters like that is written in Ganji’s letter. Why would that make Ganji violent??? Why would a literal suicide attempt trigger him??? Strange as fuck get it together idv.

I also wonder, why was Annie crying while killing Ganji? Did she feel remorseful? Did the drugs finally wear off? Did she realize Aesop would kill her next?

AND WHY DOES AESOP KILL HIMSELF??? I THOUGHT HE WANTED TO KILL AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE… AND THEN HE'S LIKE I killed 2 people, that’s enough.

This writing is stupid as Hell.

Deranged ranting aside now… OVER IT 💅💅💅. Speculating time!!! And my personal thoughts later on. All the important facts are outta the way.

So, what were in the contents of the letter Annie sent to Victor, and the letter Ganji gives to Victor. Victor never states that he delivered those letters, he just keeps them. So for Annie maybe it can be assumed it’s for him, but for Ganji, Victor thinks it might be for Annie. Considering this was on the last day, just mere HOURS before their match, legitimately he may have forgotten to deliver them??? Were those possibly the letters he killed himself for? I wonder what could possibly be in them that he thinks these secrets are worth keeping to the very end??? Or was he just so obsessed with letters the contents don’t even matter??? For Annie, I think she might have been trying to recruit Victor and Aesop’s help one last time. And for Ganji, I think he might have been trying to send a message back to her in response to something. Well whatever it is ig we will never know.

ALSO they mention that they have been sending Ganji supplies and sending false notes to the subjects of the group. Perhaps that may be why Ganji was sending Annie a letter as a response. And hey maybe Annie was in fact sending letters to Ganji because she thinks he was sending her letters. But Victor’s a letter freak and has been reading the notes. He might know which ones are in response to fake notes and maybe that’s why he hasn’t been delivering some??? I don’t know… just a theory.

I also wonder when Annie decides to tell Victor and Aesop about her concern. Was it after Ganji snapped at her? Before? ALSO. In the physical fight. I’m surprised she could resist. Ganji is a professional cricket player, he could easily knock her out with his bat or something. He wants to eliminate her/whoever sent him the note. He is the soberest he’s ever been. But he doesn’t do it immediately? It’s almost as if he went easy on her or maybe didn’t wanna kill her… kind of like… Norton… in Da Capo… with Orpheus…

Something that confuses me, so so much: why would Annie try triggering Ganji??? I’ve seen a few people theorize she was trying to get his help that way but that is such a fucked up way to do so??? She would’ve benefitted in no way out of it.

Let’s say she thinks Ganji would’ve hurt her in his manic state (BOOOO whatever man), why would she try triggering him into a state she thinks will hurt her?

Let’s say she thinks Ganji would’ve hurt her in his manic state *at first* until she sees that he in fact only hurts himself. IF SHE TRIGGERS HIM, KNOWING HE WOULD DO SO, that is incredibly fucked up. He can’t help her if he is hurt!!! He can’t help her if he’s having a breakdown!!! It reads so incredibly sadistic and dehumanizing she doesn’t look good either way.

Although Ganji's 2024 letter in english removed the accent part for Annie (thank the lord), in Aesop's personal letter he calls Ganji a cranky man with a strange accent… which is… hrm… if they hadn't removed the accent part, there would've been a lot more merit to it because of what was in Aesop’s letter.

However in Chinese... the accent thing is still in there. Take that as you will.

Also we must consider the fact that Annie is drugged. Her decision-making may not be rational. She wants to protect herself BUT but God. The decision to meet with Ganji and try triggering him still doesn’t make sense, drugged or not it is incredibly stupid. Why doesn’t she try staying away from someone she’s afraid of??? Like objectively it’s just stupid.

Then the fact Victor comes in to detain Ganji??? No seriously, why does he care? Does he care for Ganji’s safety? His own?? Because if it was his own he could just lock himself in his room. I know he was a part of a criminal gang so maybe it’s normal to him, but there was no indication beforehand that he would ever be active like this.

ALSO… why does Victor go to the manor? In his trailer he goes because he receives his own letter. Did he want a friend or??? I know storytelling will always be about introducing new elements but I’ve never quite moved on from Victor quite literally having empathy as an ingame trait only for his letter to be like he can only empathize with small objects and animals. Did his policeman friend mean anything to him? Legitimate question. For now I theorize that he used to be more empathetic but the trauma from that incident made him desperately try to close off his emotions from people. But yeah I just don’t think I can get a read on him anymore so I won’t try… I’m a Ganji truther first before I used to be a Victor stan. He’s a blorbeen…

Regardless of if any of the other three are racist or not, this letter was tasteless, Ganjis previous letters have all taken agency away from him. I understand it’s to show the circumstances of his time and to reveal information, but why couldn’t he or his loved ones reveal said information? Why did it always have to be people that think so little of him? He’s described as kind so many times and then they brutalize him so much for things he can’t control (his race or his mental disorder). It’s really disgusting and it feels like shock value. They rarely explore how it makes him feel in his own words, only observing what he feels from the outside. You see that he is hurting, that he is screaming. But you don’t get to hear him say how he feels, why he feels that way. You don’t get to hear his homesickness, how much he misses his family, his friends, only that his homesickness drives him to extreme actions. It feels like they are saying “look at this kind broken man get broken even further! Isn’t this just so sad!” It is sad but they are doing this in the wrong way. There are much more tasteful, nuanced ways to explore topics like these.

I think that’s all I have to say, collection of facts and my own thoughts aside. Please let me know what you guys think.

[offbranddrpepsi]

Saw your headcannons about reader having mommy issues can you do a daddy one with Cypher and Chamber

fuck yeah

Is a dad but by far not a typical dad, acts more like a goofy uncle or teasing older brother so its real weird when someone sees him as a dad

initially thinks you're joking just to get a rise out of him and jokes back

once he learns he is dead ass the biggest fucking ass.

Teases you any chance he gets, be that just in a "oh do you need a dad for that?" to "I guess you can say you needed Daddys help". its endless, he finds it fucking hilarious

if it extended into a NSFw way then he would a be kinda meh about it? would feel a little weird given he has a kid that still calls him dad/daddy but also kinda like Viper and has a thing for power so

Chamber is the image of respectable and is VERY sincere when you tell him of you daddy issues.

Ask a zillion questions to see firstly why you trust him of all people to tell as well as map out boundaries, triggers, etc

Once he knows it hardly ever comes up

when people call Brim or Cypher dad, or talk about family around you, he has an ear and eye out in case you get uncomfortable so he can interrupt

Makes a point to take you out on a date or have a date in for fathers day

Asks you about your mother, grandparents, any family you are close to and talks about them instead

If you slipped up and called him dad he would be taken aback for a moment but not make it very obvious, continuing on as if you hadn't said it

[carlyraejepsans]

i lowkey disagree w u on ur position on fictional ships and certain portrayals of topics such as incest and pedophilia, but oh my fucking god to have the fucking. AUDACITY to accuse someone of real life pedophila and incest because they MENTIONED being NEUTRAL on a certain topic?? like you didnt even say you think fictional incest is cool and rad or wtvr u afaik (which. even if u did that ask would Still be abhorrent) but ur explicitly Neutral and are VERY carful to tag shit and i just. 1/2

cut for length and also sensitive topics

i cannot fucking imagine accusing someone of such a horrid act with such conviction bc u SLightly DIsagree on a topic. jfc. i block tags and if ur conversations ever drive me over the edge id Unfollow. im so so sorry people are such fucking assholes man. i hope people gain some sense abt these topics im so sorry

yeah no i completely respect your opinion. and i do know where it's coming from. to tell you the truth (basic decency of tagging triggers aside), i DO find most of those fanon portrayals to be cheap and uncalled for a good majority of the time, at least from a literary standpoint. things like dating a minor or your own sibling have serious implications on a character's moral code and interpersonal dynamics where most characters would... not fucking do that! and the moment you don't engage with those implications, it becomes either incredibly ooc or altogether shallow. some people act like a topic being problematic makes it inherently complex and rich, when it can be as tropey and flat as any other "safe" topic. being problematic doesn't make you interesting etc. my point isn't arguing over literary value, it's more like... there's people behaving horribly and cruelly towards the AUTHORS, and making disgusting assumptions like the one that was made against me, all because of fiction you can always filter out at the end of the day (assuming basic tagging etiquette is respected ofc) and like. that's too far. nobody deserves to be treated like this.

not to mention, the "incest fiction recs"/"pro incest posts" those freaks mentioned were literally 1) me gushing about revolutionary girl utena, a deeply feminist and self-aware series that unpacks the misogyny behind anime incest tropes by treating that abuse REALISTICALLY as patriarchal manipulation from a male relative and showing how the female victim suffers and emancipates herself from it and 2) me being annoyed that hs showed one of its characters suffering from csa without acknowledging it AS abuse, even when it would've been not just the morally decent thing to do, but also a genuinely good addition to his character arc (apparently it does do that in the endstory, but i didn't know it at the time). those are both posts about realistic, condemning, and well-thought depictions of incestuous abuse in fiction—which is the only way i ever enjoy the topic btw—but that didn't stop these people from deciding i had an incest fetish and harassing me for weeks on end to the point of accusing me of sexually abusing my teenage brother. like you said, it would be a ghoulish way to treat someone even if their assumption had been right (and it wasn't), but it's like they saw the topic being mentioned and that fact alone was unforgivable, regardless of context. and this crap happens to people all the time! if that's not fucking stupid i don't know what is

[liquidstar]

Okay so like I know little about ReZero (would love to watch it one day but, the content warnings) BUT I love people talking about things they like so. Assuming this isnt already a plot point, who in your opinion would be the FUNNIEST character to also be aware of/remember the time loops (Subaru in this case does NOT know they are in on it lol). If this is already a plot point please tell me about a neat bird or something you saw recently instead, thank you :)

THATS SO SWEEET THANK YOU <3 I ENJOY IT TOO SO IF YOU EVER WANNA INFODUMP ABT STUFF MY INBOX IS OPEN ^_^

ANYWAY. UNFORTUNATELY THIS IS A PLOTPOINT AND ITS NOT FUNNY </3

in the 4th arc subaru meets this witch lady, echdina, who kinda exists in a dreamworld, hard to explain, but shes aware of his timeloops. she implies that shes aware but tries to get him to say it himself. which he does so veeerrry hesitantly because he cant tell anyone Or Else. but after he realizes he can say it here, he has like, a total breakdown and keeps repeating his confession over and over again because he can finally tell someone about all this pain and suffering. and its an incredibly cathartic scene buuuuut she is very much manipulating him.

another character is vaguely aware of the loops but doesnt experience them/cant see them. that character is roswaal who is actually his boss. and the guy who has literally been PERSONALLY causing every single fucking issue hes had so far because some book told him to. and when things start going wrong he starts to, like, kick the shit out of subaru to try and get him to restart. yeah bosses are like that sometimes idk. everyone takes turns punching him at the end of this arc so its fine.

personally though if i had to pick a character whod be aware of the loops... id actually go with otto despite Everything. because i think hes the most likely to come out of the experience of watching his friend die horribly and come up with a plan, while also genuinely having subaru's best interest at heart. he doesnt care about anyone elses best interest tho, he was willing to let an entire country die for this guy. hes willing to kill the child he just adopted. so i think otto being aware would cause some fucking situations, especially if theyre not working together for a solution. i also think itd be funny if hes like "if we get gay in the timeloop no one has to know. ill just play dumb."

SO YEAH hes my pick for funniest one. all that being said im pretty sure i wrote up an episode by episode trigger guide if youre ever interested, i might have to touch it up tho. BUT if youre not interested theres never any pressure, this ask is already so sweet tysm again <3

[hwaightme]

Your fan, Seonghwa (part 1)

(your fan ml)

🛸 pairing: seonghwa x nerdfluencer & physicist!reader 🛸 genre: romance, fluff, mutual pining 🛸 summary: a bulletpoint-style wordstream of what it would be like if seonghwa was stanning you 🛸 wordcount: 5.4k 🛸 warnings/tags: language, SCIENCE, astrophysics, may the force be with you, scientific formulas, lego obsession, yunho driving, hongjoong jealousy and fatigue, seonghwa just wants someone to be a nerd with, lmk if anything else 🛸 taglist: [temporarily removed because... dumblr] 🛸 a/n: Hello there my loves <3 here is part 1 for Your Fan Seonghwa! The end is nigh and I am in denial ;~; Much love and biggest hugs <3

"Hold up, are you... no.... NOT THIS!!! NOT LIKE THIS!!! GUYS WE HAVE LOST HIM!!!

A wild Wooyoung crashed Seonghwa's dorm room, and yelled bloody murder as he saw what could only be described as cursed scriptures on the older member's phone screen. It was unmistakable... they were FORMULAS... EQUATIONS... THE MOMENT WHEN MATHS SUDDENLY HAD MORE LETTERS THAN NUMBERS...

"What???? What is happening???" a confused Mingi, who was passing by the room while walking down the corridor, called out and peered in. Wooyoung was crouched on the floor, clenching his shirt as though he was having a heart attack.

"He is... HE IS WATCHING PHYSICS LECTURES." That was enough for Mingi to shriek, and be joined by San, who collapsed onto his knees right at the door, and beat it a couple of times with his fist, and screamed:

"HE HAS BEEN POSSESSED NOOOOOO..."

"I think I am about to pass out this is disgusting..." Wooyoung whispered to himself, not noticing Yunho creep into the room, assessing the damage.

"Bro you are supposed to be a role model and you do this?" Yunho asked shaking his head in disapproval.

"This is to answer the question of whether Tatooine's twin stars could be a real thing and actually have planets forming around them. It is really nicely explained and informative, and I highly recommend it." Seonghwa's voice remained level while he was observing the reactions of his fellow members - just as he had expected, and intended.

"That's what they all say... and then they go get a degree..." Yeosang interjected while walking by the room, every bit a mourning man.

"Hey STEM is also cool!" Seonghwa added making the group erupt in waves of groans and gasps.

"WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON, YOU TRAITOR?" Wooyoung shouted out, having turned borderline manic at this point.

"I really can't see why we split the sciences and liberal arts in such a hardcore way. I mean, the really awesome stuff happens when we combine them, right?"

The eldest member was just having fun taking the piss at this point, knowing that if anybody was distant to science, it was the majority of ATEEZ. With the exception of Yeosang, but he felt the natural sciences to be a moral trigger so he was not destroying the 'not quite STEM fond' agenda.

"You know what, keep on watching it you corrupt man, but out of my sight for my sake."

"First of all, you are the one who barged into my room for some fucking reason. Second of all, okay then, I'll tell you about dark matter and dark energy later."

"What?" Wooyoung, who had already picked himself up off the floor and was in process of slowly getting out of the room, suddenly froze and turned his head dramatically.

"Space is fun, you should 'open up your eyes open up your mind' a bit."

"Yeah that's why I'm asking you to give me that space and keep some space between us. I don't want to have a stress-induced stroke or something."

"Do you even have a brain to have a stroke with?" Hongjoong entered the room, making his way to his bed, done with the younger member's antics, and moderately disinterested in whatever cursed content Seonghwa was indulging in in his free time.

"I swear, the more time I spend in the studio, the more shit goes down at home and I end up finding out via Twitter or as a public announcement. Can science explain that, Hwa?" Hongjoong called out while rubbing his face with his hands in an attempt to fight sleep.

"Nah, don't know anything about psychology, sorry."

"Oooh how does that make you feel Joongie?" San tried to prod.

"Scram, you menace, show's over." Hongjoong aimed with a pillow, ready to start physical violence, but the threat seemed to carry across well enough, "San, I have yet to think of consequences for you and your bloody international conspiracies, so for you I am auto-pissed."

"Aight, I'm boutta head out." Yunho raised his hands and grabbed both San and Wooyoung by the collars, and dragged them out. Mingi was polite enough to just follow along.

"Have a NICE TIME!" Seonghwa merely smiled as a frustrated Wooyoung slammed the door to the older member's dorm and stomped off, obviously not satisfied with the lack of a scoop. He was in dire need of tea, and the one member that had not yet revealing ANYTHING at all was just going insane with his space obsession - not good enough.

Seonghwa knew that he would not be attacked. He had a foolproof strategy to hide himself. And it was the power of natural sciences and mathematics. All he had to do was switch screens and he would have one of your 'professional' videos playing. One where it was just your voice, and a digital blackboard occupying the entire screen, with you writing formula after formula.

He found it challenging to pick up on all the things you said in your more academically intense videos (at least straight away), but your passion was addictive, and Seonghwa had discovered that you were brilliant at providing analogies for concepts that were hard for him. This had resulted in him proudly being able to calculate redshift, and relative magnitudes (with these endeavours having been done in secret, on envelopes or napkins, out of everyone's sight).

This kind of study-along had become one of the ways in which Seonghwa decided he could connect with you without being grilled by the other members. The only one who had raised an eyebrow and had taken his behaviours with suspicion had been Hongjoong, but with no other evidence, the captain could not make him walk the plank.

If he wanted to unwind and treat your videos almost like relaxing ASMR, he either went to your other channel where you did 'researcher vlogs' or focused on the videos that were whole sessions dedicated to simply nerding out over your favourite things. Which just so happened to be incredibly similar to his. To Seonghwa, there was nothing better than your ability to combine your professional knowledge and total shitposting.

He loved how you would include Star Wars memes in otherwise serious videos. How you would dive into the great depths and divulge the details of something like the impact of destruction over Endor, or the flight dynamics of space craft in Star Wars, or the famous discussion of vibrations in space, and how all sound in the movie should be treated as an interpretation for the audience, rather than something that the characters could actually hear.

You had also mentioned a couple of times about Star Wars figurines and LEGO sets, which had sent his heart ablaze, but so far, had never shown even as much as a hint at a collection - which he had written to you about in the comments of one of your YouTube videos using a fake account.

He had almost squealed when he saw that you had favourited the comment, and replied to it with a quick 'perhaps soon ;)'. It really meant nothing, and anyone could have written the same thing in half a second, but it was you, and he suddenly understood in much greater depth how ATINY probably felt when he read their comments out during a live.

Seonghwa had discovered you when searching for a clip from one of the Star Wars films, a clip which you had just so happened to have analysed. He had been curious about what you had to say, so he simply clicked, not knowing that this was the start of something much greater.

First, the thought you were a YouTuber who produced Star Wars related content. Next, he thought you were an adorable nerd who liked space. Then, he thought you were an incredibly intelligent and multifaceted individual who had a broad range of interests, fascinating experiences, and a passion for science. And finally, he figured out that you were a fully fledged researcher working towards her PhD in astrophysics in a high profile institute, were hilarious, what he would consider a genius, and yet were supremely humble, down to earth (he found it interesting to describe you in that way while you were studying everything that surrounded the planet) and so genuine.

He did not consider himself a fan at all, because he simply wanted to get to know you, off camera In real life. Seonghwa had a crush on you from the get-go. And the opportunity to meet had presented himself out of the blue, and on the best day possible, when a schedule had just been canceled. In the community tab on your channel you had announced that you would be doing a small meet and greet in a specific location, and that if anyone wanted to pop by during a set period of time, you would be there.

It was set. He was going to pull 99z tactic and make a run for it. This was critical. Much to his dismay, once he checked the map, he saw that the 'venue' you had chosen, which turned out to be one of the 'dream-ity' cafes was... far. Very far. Especially for him, since it was either public transport and high exposure risk, or walking which would just send him to go meet people in the after life instead.

He had no choice. Seonghwa needed a partner in crime. But there was only one who fit the role anyways. He needed Yunho. Upon receiving a cryptic text from the eldest member, he ambled into the room, a smirk on his face.

"So? What do you need me for? Does Cinderella need to head to the ball?"

"Honestly, kind of. I need to attend this one event, but it is far." Seonghwa kept his descriptions vague, not wanting to reveal too much too soon.

"Why not grab one of the drivers?" Yunho narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms.

"This is a private matter."

"Well you know I need details now. And I am not moving anywhere until I get them."

Yunho could feel where this was going. He could see that familiar glint in Seonghwa's eyes. This was peak 'I am crushing, I know it, but I don't want to tell you' behaviour. Finally, the old man found a potential special someone. This was a day to celebrate.

"I said, private." Seonghwa reiterated. Yunho did not really need to know the details, because he was already on board, but it was fun to annoy Seonghwa when he could.

"Hey, what if you are going to go be murdering people, then I would need to bring cling film and plastic bags at least. State your business."

"If you drive me there I know you will snoop anyways, so why tell?"

Damn. He was good.

"Oh that sounds spicy, okay I'm in. But wait shouldn't we let Hongjoong know that we are going out? It'll be less suspicious that way - too many members have made the mistake of not having him on their side already."

"You make a good point, JOOOOOOOONG?" Seonghwa stood up to start getting ready. If he was to make it to the fan meet closing, he needed to be heading out of the door right about now. Yunho caught on and rapidly hobbled out to grab his jacket and mask against any in-car paparazzi photos.

"Yo?" Hongjoong poked his head into the room, and took a swig of the mid-evening coffee he had in his hand.

"Yunho and I are going on a trip." Seonghwa explained, whilst inspecting himself in the mirror, styling his hair.

"In our favourite rocket ship." Yunho returned, playing with the car keys, and decided that Hongjoong needed a bigger headache today.

"Zooming through the sky." Seonghwa understood the assignment and picked up on the song cue.

"Little Einstein." Yunho leaned over and whisper screamed into Hongjoong's ear, making him shudder and lean far back.

"What in tarnation?"

"Don't worry about it Joongie we shall be back shortly."

"Uh so no one will explain why??? NOR WHERE????"

Hongjoong shouted at the already closed front door.

But little did Seonghwa and Yunho know, Hongjoong had a talent for running down the emergency stairs of the apartment building faster than the elevator moved. And he also could hide behind the car so effectively, that the pair only noticed his form chilling in the back seat when Yunho had already started the engine and was about to drive out.

"Hongjoong WHAT are you doing here, how???" Seonghwa yelled after having his soul momentarily depart from his body when he saw Hongjoong's dark silhouette in the front mirror. In the meantime, Yunho was struggling to contain a fit of giggles, and was grasping onto the steering wheel for dear life.

"I have special powers. And I want to find out who you are going to go meet and hell's ass o'clock. I don't need another midnight concert-goer or gym rat."

"Don't worry, I'm more tame than that."

Yunho smiled to himself. There already was progress - Seonghwa was revealing more and more about who in the world he wanted to go see.

After having finally arrived to the location, with Hongjoong whining that it was so far and that the other members were probably already burning the dorms down, they stopped. Seonghwa made no move towards getting out of the car, instead looking off into the darkness, observing some figures moving about.

He was trying to make sense of where you were, so that he could find the best moment to enter the scene. The other two members went quiet at the same exact time, just observing Seonghwa, who seemed to have been able to locate a target.

He spotted you waving to a couple of people who just departed from the cafe, officially leaving you as the only one left. The cafe had already closed, so you were loitering outside, and checking something on your phone. Illuminated by the streetlights, you were like a fairy tale. It was difficult for Seonghwa to convince himself that it actually was you in front of him and not some illusion. What if it was just his wishful thinking? Well, only one way to find out.

He huffed, threw on a black cap and checked his mask was not wonky, and opened the car door. Hongjoong was about to call out to him, but Yunho was quick to react and rapidly extended his arm out, nearly hitting the captain in the face but at least preventing him from making noise.

Seonghwa bolted to you as soon as he looked around and confirmed that there were no curious eyes - he was not about to lose all rationality, as much as he wanted to.

Yunho and Hongjoong were watching the scene unfold with wide eyes and jaws dropped to the floor. Only now did Hongjoong realise that this weird outing was about that ONE YOUTUBE PERSON Seonghwa kept on watching. Hongjoong should have seen it coming, considering how a couple of members had found love via social media. Of course, Seonghwa was going to be an internet creep. How else.

"YO YUNHO WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

"Livestreaming for chat, duh. I'm sending updates."

"THE GUYS DO NOT NEED TO KNOW??? Hey give me the phone-"

"Can you even reach that far? Hah Woo is flipping out and saying he is sad he can't say 'no bitches' to Seonghwa every morning anymore."

"Seriously though stop sending pics this is literally-"

"Once ATEEZ, always ATEEZ. We know ALL."

When Seonghwa approached you and called you by your name, you were all ears. For some reason, you had felt the need to stay behind, just a little longer. Your heart had told you so - and apparently, it was clairvoyant or very well-attuned to world vibrations. Here was a mysterious stranger, clad in black, talking to you. Part of you was a little afraid, but there was nothing a little lab-made spray that was in your pocket could not do. You put away your phone, and began to reach for the item, but at the last second decided to ask for your fan's name.

Seonghwa could not lie. It would not sit right with him. Besides, he only recently had seen what kind of shit went down when that happened - also known as San fighting a love war on too many fronts. So, after a moment of deliberation, he uncovered his face, and quietly whispered a "Park Seonghwa..."

And that made you flip, as you clapped your hands in excitement, your face lighting up with the widest grin you could muster.

"SO WAIT WHO EXACTLY IS A FAN OF WHO? WHO IS TAKING PHOTOS WITH WHO?"

Seonghwa was unable to process, basically forgetting that he was an idol and people could know him, even though seconds ago he was in full sneak mode. Hearing you say his name with so much glee did things to him.

"Uh... I am... definitely... A fan... so..." he was trying to force out, unable to break focus from the joy you were experiencing.

"Well same here! And more specifically yourself! I'll be honest, it's one of your Lego assembly lives that did it and introduced me to ATEEZ, since uh, you know, we are fellow Star Wars appreciators."

Seonghwa totally was not contemplating whether it was considered too early to marry a person who he had officially met only a couple of minutes ago.

It was not the stage presence, nor was it the talent and skill oozing from this man that had been the thing that hooked you in initially. You had grown to appreciate that later, and became a bit of a fan, but what had been the little lightbulb moment that helped you discover Seonghwa and ATEEZ, was Lego. You were a proud internet dweller, and enjoyed traversing content that was associated with your areas of interest regularly, so as soon as you saw Star Wars and Lego in a just finished livestream on a channel called ATEEZ, you had to check it out.

And that was how you came face to face with an incredibly handsome, yet somehow still cute man who was raving about what was your favourite game, toy, arguably way of life, of all time. All at once. After reading through some comments that were under the video, you figured out his name, his occupation, that "his duality was no joke", that he was "ethereal and was making people melt", that people would be happy if he rearranged them like the little building blocks, that his name was star related... and that he was an avid Star Wars fan.

Well there was no choice for you but to at least respect this man. And that respect, quickly enough, turned into you listening to "This Is ATEEZ" on loop on Spotify, and making your colleagues passively memorise some of the songs because of how many times they had graced their ears. Their videos were probably the only deviation from the usual astrophysics lectures and movie clips that you had in your recommended on YouTube, and you were pretty happy with that. They hit your 2AM 'need to work on my five projects but am derailed by sleep debt and lack of caffeine' funny bone alarmingly well.

Once your a tid-bit oblivious self finally recognised the legend that was in front of you, you became an unstoppable wave of compliments. It was only fair, and the least you could do. He had come to your meet and greet, waited for hell knows how long, all while most likely having a billion other more important things to do.

Seonghwa was blushing into infinity, but you continued. You mentioned that you often cranked up ATEEZ tunes when working in the labs, and Seonghwa was ready to become total mush then and there.

Your conversation then eventually turned back to the original point of the fan meeting - to talk science fiction and outer space, and you stated that you would be more than happy to show Seonghwa some of the more serious work that you did. Realising that you were pretty much asking him out, Seonghwa was giddy, and wasted no time in agreeing with you and asking when.

Without thinking about it much and just deciding on the spot to take the risk, you ask for his phone, saying that ,such ventures would require closer collaboration', with a smile.

In the meantime, Hongjoong was screaming in the car, having a metaphorical heart attack, while Yunho was now on video call with the rest of ATEEZ, doing something similar to a live broadcast - an attempt which the captain could hear was being guided by none other than Yeosang, who, amidst the hoots and tease after tease, was explaining (unprompted) the theory behind live on-scene reporting as though he had been called on by a teacher.

Hongjoong could not take his eyes away from the exchange between you and Seonghwa. While he could not say many details about you, his friend was like an open book to him, and every twist, every turn, every tilt that he could recognise (no thanks to the distance between the parked vehicle and the two of you), Hongjoong could see that Seonghwa was deeply into you. Far too deeply for it to be just a little passing interest.

As Seonghwa texted you and you confirmed the numbers have indeed been exchanged, you suggested to take a photo together, so you could use each other's halves for profile pics and he decided that he was yours even if you did not need him in your life. A resounding series of 'brooooo's resounded from the call as Yunho tried to focus the camera on the scene, despite Hongjoong shouting 'creep' at him.

After setting up communication, organising what you both had agreed was to be a date and parting ways, Seonghwa waddled back into the car like the happiest duckling of all time. Literally could not speak while Hongjoong was punching his shoulder repeatedly.

Yunho shook Seonghwa's hand and Wooyoung could be heard HOLLERING over the phone and begging for Yunho to show Seonghwa's face, which was glowing. He became eternal sunshine.

--

For your date (and yes he kept on chanting this in his head) Seonghwa decided to make you a rose out of Lego, and glued it together so that it could be a permanent piece that would not be damaged while being transported. Whilst in the process of making it, he had to fight off the 99z menaces, only managing to get rid of them when he went against his nature and littered the floor with spare Lego pieces like a minefield.

Hongjoong has been on edge ever since the so-called fan meet, eyeing Seonghwa whenever he would as much as touch his phone, and try peek over his shoulder if he began to smile like a lovesick fool. The captain was doing just about the same thing now, watching Seonghwa as he was making finishing touches on the rose.

"Hey, Hwa, can I at least meet her? Or like learn more about her?"

"As long as you don't stalk me and her, and meet her not in person not right now, sure."

"Bruh."

"I know you can and do creep on the interwebs."

"Dang it. The sad part is that you're right. Okay give me just like.... a rundown? Can I trust her?"

Seonghwa, proud of the gift he had just finished making, was now in the process of tidying up, carefully wiping the floor.

"If it helps, she is the kind of person to have to-do lists, me and her literally have an agenda set out, and she sent all location and time details in advance."

"Shit okay she is responsible-"

"She participated in a rocket launch."

"YOU WHAT FAM??" Hongjoong was shaken. How did this person have time for everything?

"Yeah. She is an astrophysicist, so she wasn't designing the rocket per se, but contributed in a different project phase."

"Damn, she might even be able to understand the ATEEZ lore with that brain."

"Uh huh."

"Can I come with you?"

"No." Seonghwa shut the leader down with a smile, twirling the flower between two of his fingers, as he thought about the evening ahead.

--

Judging from your reaction to the surprise present, the rose might as well have been a newly discovered star - that was how you admired it, how you handled it, and how you turned into an automated praise dispenser towards Seonghwa - he was glad that the institute where you had decided it was safest to meet had a penchant for 'conserving energy' and kept the lights relatively dim, so you could not see just how red his ears were.

You decided that the best place to begin the tour would be the mini planetarium that was housed inside the institute. Seeing as you had exclusive access even after hours, it was an opportunity one simply could not pass up. As you led Seonghwa from one exhibit to another, and managed to guide him through it thanks to being here countless times already, you notice just how immersed he was, and caught flashes of near boyish excitement as you threw in a couple of references from popular culture, be it your favourite franchise or details from movies like Interstellar or The Martian.

Moving along, you led him to one of the stronger telescopes that were on site - even though they were not much compared to those in an observatory, and were more for fun rather than for research and real observation, it was definitely enough to make Seonghwa send out a barrage of questions regarding anything he could spot. To you, it was a rare occasion to meet someone outside of your field of work who was equally as excited about all things space. And of course, it was even rarer to have that person be a crush of yours.

Then, it was time for the final destination. Your pride and joy, one that you had spent quite some time decorating. Your office. Well, technically you shared it with other post graduates but they allowed you to go ham on the interior design so you considered the office to be mainly your space.

And THAT was where Seonghwa saw some parts of your collection, and was completely blown away. There was a glass cabinet position against a wall a bit further away from the entrance, and in it, he would spot The Razor Crest, a Hoth AT-ST, R2-D2, Luke Skywalker's Landspeeder, and many, many more. He gravitated towards the display, and his mind was spinning from the sheer glee of seeing such beauty. As he was taken by the sight, you left his side for a couple of seconds, and then returned, and poked his shoulder lightly.

When Seonghwa turned his head, he nearly yelped.

"Is that... A box... for the Mos Eisley Cantina?"

"Yeah, and I was wondering if you wanted to... assemble it, together?"

"A HUNDRED TIMES YES?"

You had never seen a man drop to the floor that quickly before. In a matter of seconds, Seonghwa was sitting, as one might say, 'criss cross apple sauce', and patting the space next to him, in front of him, wherever just please let's unpack this and get to it.

So you spend the whole night just making the model on the floor of your office, in your own little world, enjoying life.

Which of course meant that he came home at... 6AM, disregarding seventeen missed calls and forty-two texts from Hongjoong, looking like the happiest man alive. Which made the captain melt as he stored away the insults and scolding session he had prepared for later use - because it was Seonghwa after all, Seonghwa could be forgiven, and Seonghwa would make him clean the room probably.

So instead, he sat by Seonghwa's side as he flicked through photo after photo after photo, showing Hongjoong progress pics of the Lego assembly, with very aesthetically pleasing photos of you sprinkled all over his camera roll. It was far too clear - Seonghwa was down bad.

They had not noticed Yeosang slink into the room, but considering that he had stayed politely quiet, accepted his presence.

"Is my man... a goner? Do I need to ask my girlfriend to make a funeral fit?" Hongjoong asked.

"Hyung it is more likely to be a wedding fit do you see how smitten this guy is?" Yeosang interjected, posing a counter.

"Yeah and that is what scares me, I am barely keeping all of you guys under control and if this guy also goes off into a different orbit then I am actually going to be in a permanents crisis."

"Hongjoong you already are in a crisis... like all the time..." Yeosang was ready to fire this fine morning.

"And I am going to go into a melt down if Seonghwa is also gonna be out of it. My guy, if you crack and start sneaking out on top of spending so much time hell knows where I will actually lose my marbles, I need at least one responsible adult with me."

"Can I invite her over then? She'll be the responsible adult." Seonghwa quipped, stopping his swiping on one of his favourite photos of you, where you were concentrated on attaching a particularly small piece.

"Dude that is kind of..."

"Really she is so awesome. If anything, I would kick everybody else out." Seonghwa joked, though immediately apologised under his breath out of fear of getting the notorious slap of justice.

"Then what's the point?" Hongjoong was confused at the older member's logic.

"Well if you don't want me out of the dorms, that's my solution."

"I don't want you to be fully out of it, that's my point."

"Out of what?"

"The sigma grindset, maybe?"

"Bruh what even. Hypocrisy at its finest. Plus you yourself said she is responsible and an absolute legend." Seonghwa was not on board with the captain's attempts at stopping him. It only made him want to continue meeting up with you even more.

"That she is. I actually googled her not too long ago. Damn, she is... SMART. Have you seen how many sciency papers she wrote? And they are in journals!?" now that came to Seonghwa as a surprise. Although he knew a lot more about you in the personal sense, and enjoyed learning about your hobbies and interests, he had never fully dived into the work you did as he had deemed it above him, thus not a point of focus.

"Wait really? I did not look into that part, since I-"

"No you really have to take a look, it's crazy. If you think that her channel is intense with info, this is next level. Those papers lost me at the title."

-

And so, Seonghwa looked. And looked some more. Tried to read. Pretended to understand or at least skim and appreciate even though it made him progressively more miserable and planted seeds of doubt and ridiculous conclusions that he was somehow 'inadequate'. And on your subsequent dates, Seonghwa became more and more preoccupied with appearing 'smarter', rather than fully being himself. He wanted to be more academic with you, feeling like that was what you deserved. As days turned into weeks, he found himself regularly looking at your work, reminding himself that he would never be able to achieve this, and regarding you as someone out of his league. He was prone to self-doubt, and here, out of the blue, all fuses were blown and all alarms triggered. The final straw was when a student, younger than both of you, who was doing a research placement at the institute, gave you a call, and Seonghwa could understand virtually NOTHING that was said aside from hello and goodbye even though he was pretty sure all had been in Korean. He wanted to shut down. He could not imagine keeping up.

Thankfully, you knew a thing or two about stars and could tell when they started to shine a little less brightly.

[iantimony]

tuesday line go up (derogatory)

hello from the end of my workday. writing this on my office computer as i watch my simulation crash in real time in the background. convergence line go up :(

listening: astonishing legends the body on the moor part 1, for some reason astonishing legends is such good Cleaning And Organizing noise to my brain. i've raised my eyebrow at some of their conclusions sometimes but i love a good unsolved mystery that doesn't focus on true crime what i can say

more 00s, just whatever shit the spotify algorithm spits out basically..."hard and heavy headbanging tuesday afternoon". i think for brevity i am going to focus on posting only the things that stuck out to me or are ear worms at the moment, which for this week is miss murder by afi, the kill by 30 seconds to mars, and out of control by hoobastank, especially the line in the latter after the chorus that goes 'and i may never know the answer to this endless mystery' that for some reason tickles my brain.

reading: Bring Back Those Pumped Italian Sodas (Anna Hezel): i LOVE italian sodas. the candy shop on main street near me does italian sodas and it is my favorite little treat to do a hot girl walk downtown and get a little bevvy to come with me. they whip so hard. bring them back everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!

elitism is the enemy of the people (Mina Le) and the linked The machine in the garden. (Emily Sundberg) ... discourse(tm) about What Substack Is For, which means nothing to me as a non-substack user. i use a rss reader to follow a few specific substacks but i do not use the platform even a little bit. sundberg seems to disparage the list format (shoutout to miss deb perelmen who i saw in there as an example of things that are pushed on the platform now) (deb's newsletter is one of the ones i follow with my rss feed lol) slash the concept of "list of content I’m consuming" which. looks at my weekly roundup posts. lol. i do understand to an extent, though - does my weekly roundup post make me a Writer(tm)?? i would kinda agree that no not really.

this zine that i think i reblogged yesterday is very cute.

watching: i saw the new alien movie with a friend! it was really good, i enjoyed it, i did look up the jumpscares beforehand because i do not do well with those in theaters especially the big imax ones, but it ended up not being necessary - the local theater here has no imax or any of the big surround sound gimmick things, which i actually prefer, and it also means the tickets were dirt cheap. 10/10 experience. the movie itself was fun, the correct amount of peen/vag imagery that one would expect from an alien movie. important to note that the dehumanization of an android character (who is also the only black character and strongly autism coded) is a big plot thing, it is not Good that he is treated that way and that is also a plot thing but it is important to know going in so it's not a surprise (thanks to someone in a server i'm in for pointing that out, i didn't clock it as being potentially triggering when i saw it but i was like ohh yeah that does make sense to warn people about). really good cast and plot overall, there was only like one point where i was like "whyyy nooo that makes no sense, why would you do that" (without too much spoiling, the gravity turns on and off in a portion and they were just. zooming up an elevator shaft using the lack of gravity. like why would you not be staying near the ladder. you KNOW it's going to turn off at some random point. anyways), but in general the decisions the characters made were really reasonable which made it very fun to watch the consequences of like, yeah, that is also the choice i would have made, shit. the ending made me go EUGH!! in a good way. lots of good easter eggs that i probably missed some of. made me weirdly nostalgic for my dad because when i was growing up he had a life-size hyper-realistic rubber facehugger model. he used to mime getting attacked by it. my mom hated that fucking thing. it must have gotten thrown out or given away at some point. anyways, as the kids would say: it's kino

thank u celestialtourguide for ur dropout login xoxo, i have been watching a lot of 'make some noise'. i love how sometimes you can hear the crew laughing in the background.

youtubesphere:

jimmy robins: The Fallout of Watcher's Betrayal, what sparked me looking more at dropout. also found out from the comments section that sam reich is son of robert reich ??? wild

finished the george r r martin problem. basically: yeagh

dangelo wallace: not gonna link em all but his videos on chapell roan, katy perry, blake lively, and starbucks. pop culture updates that mean nothing to me. good background noise tho

mina le: underconsumption-core, travel outfits, and Paul Mescal’s shorts, the luxury of privacy & the celebrity vs. influencer paradox. my boyfriend is a proponent of the tiny inseam shorts and i wholly encourage it. more of that, please, from everyone.

made in the moment: My Crafty Boston Apartment Tour. as someone who is also just moved into my own apartment alone for the first time and is in the process of making the space feel like mine, this hits interestingly.

playing: dnd as normal. i finally got to go mask-off, was replaced by a doppleganger like six months ago and finally got to pop off and kill some guys and beat the shit out of my friends lol >:b i have also moved the game that i run to biweekly instead of weekly. i just have too much fucking things happening and dm burnout real.

making: evil eye coasters! these made me very nervous because of how streaky the underglaze is! so i did the tedious task of re-coloring in around my sgraffito lines of my [redacted] coasters. clear coated them and crossing my fingers. these coasters are also too thin, two of them are too warped to use as coasters so ill have to figure out what to do with them. maybe drilling a hole (carefully...) so i can hang them up somewhere? the [redacted] coasters are like twice the thickness so i don't think they'll be warped as bad thankfully.

i also. made. mesopotamian foot bowl :) i did not have a reference image at the time because that happened to be when the t mobile towers went down for a few hours last saturday so i kinda just freeballed it but he looks. so silly i love him. i think im gonna have to modify him, i was chatting with the studio owner about it and she was like "if you threw that bowl on a wheel you should hollow the legs out, wheel pottery twists slightly as it dries and that plus the drying rates being different will make them just pop right off", which, i can always glue them back on! but i should give him the best odds possible. bonus lil tushy

i made a BIG BOWL !! it's not really clear from the image but it's the most clay i've ever thrown at once, i think it's like. 2.5 lb?? i didn't actually weigh it first oops i should weigh it. but it's like a foot across at the top. i put it on little ball feet to use as some sort of display bowl i think.

and there's one more bowl that is really unremarkable so no picture for now.

fiber art: made a fucking. magic the gathering card cozy for a friend that my local mtg group is putting together a care package for. it's so fucking stupid i love it. not gonna post a pic of the front, it's just a dark red border to hold the card in. i might outline the swamp symbol with matching embroidery floss (or maybe navy??) to make it pop more, might also sew a small square of fabric on the inside to hide the loose ends. colors were chosen to match his main commander which is braids

eating: FINALLY finished the gyudon. um . didn't cook many more recipes. i was going to do one pot chicken meatballs with greens and deb smittenkitchen's corn bacon and parmesan pasta last night but i spent two hours wandering walmart like my ancestors wandered the desert and came home and just had leftovers lol. the cooking will commence......today after i post this and go home.

misc: the midwest is hot this week! fml! on the plus side i don't think my average energy bill in my new place will be worse than my old one despite the worse insulation based on the mid-cycle energy report email i got, on the minus side now i am not splitting that cost so technically it feels more expensive :( thankfully i have finally been finishing the process of closing my dad's accounts so i will have a little padding in my bank account, plus i think i am supposed to get the fellowship i won deposited soon?? shrug. i booked some flights using credit card points that in retrospect i should have booked with Money because of that fellowship but oh well. i am still in the Everything Is So Expensive stage of moving as i finish getting furniture and miscellaneous home goods, hence the two hour walmart wander yesterday. i still need a couch. i think i am getting a frat house walmart futon for like $150 just because it's space efficient and won't break the bank and will be easy to sell when i move out. i should probably order that before i go visit home for 3 weeks ...... anyways. that's this tuesdaypost done and dusted.

[polycharismas]

my monthly alien stage rewatch findings. or rambles. Yeah rambles. i didnt say anything about Black Sorrow or Cure because those are like the most analyzed videos of all time and im tired Sigh

My Clematis: It still amazes me how much of an effect this one still has on me after all the time that has passed and after all the things that have happened in Alien Stage by now. It truly represents every single thing that makes Alien Stage such a special story. I think watching it again after all that went on in the story just elevates it so much more. This time around what did it for me was the monologue because you can easily apply it to every other character in this and it just Fits so well. Because truly what else do these children have aside from one another? Who else are they supposed to believe in? Where else are they supposed to find a God that can keep them moving forward in a world as cruel as this? All of them have someone, the nature of their admiration and the way they express it varies so much between all of them, but it still follows the same principle after all. The whole mv just put it in such a beautiful way it honestly holds up as its own story but knowing there was way more to these two girls and this whole world makes it so much better. I love yuri

ALIEN STAGE: UUugggGGahsgagahHahwnajwjdj Sorry. Okay. This is like the actual real trailer for this thang and its also so perfect. It foreshadows everyone's role surprisingly well. I think the fact Sua is the one singing also makes it better somehow because it just makes sense. She's the one that indirectly triggered a lot of what happens in Alien Stage in the first place she's the most important for our protagonist she's related with the rest of the cast in many different ways and to this day we still know next to nothing about her and yet she's the one singing the song that can be considered a true introduction to this whole world and that's Fascinating to me. I just feel nostalgic about this one also even if it really hasn't been that long since it was released. General banger and also it looks pretty as hell it makes me ill. Waugh

Unknown (Till the end...): OKAY I REALIZED THIS WAS PROBABLY THE ONE WHERE MY OPINIONS WOULD CHANGE THE MOST i have recently taken quite a liking to thinking about Till since a Twitter thread changed my whole perception about him and Oh Boy Did It All Change. It kind of really fucks me up. Till's relationship with Mizi i mean. It's stated he's one of the most brilliant in Anakt Garden. Not only is he skilled at both singing and playing an instrument he's also a pretty damn good composer. It's really something when you realize Mizi was the one who gave him both the determination and the inspiration to achieve all of this. The song he performed was the fastest selling album and he made it to Top 2 despite the fact the aliens are just not fond of him at all to put lightly. And he only achieved all of this because Mizi decided to show him a kindness she has always been familiar with but also a kindness he never experienced once in his life. Till has suffered a lot. Struggling to find an alien that would actually want to adopt him, being experimented on by the aliens and probably way Wayyyyy more, but it only took a single person to show him kindness for him to be able to keep on living. The nature of his feelings can be easily interpreted as romantic but it honestly resembles more that of a painter and his muse to me. So how do you think he felt when he saw his muse experience for the very first time the unkind world they lived in? He couldn't even glance at her during his performance because seeing his idol in such a state was painful. That still didn't stop him from wanting to speak his heart out through a song specifically made for her to hear. I sure hope nothing bad happens to this determined and energetic little guy!

Ruler of My Heart: Hi. This time around i thought really hard about how naturally Luka could hit all of Mizi's weak points through his performance. It's like a skill he learned throughout the years which is a really disturbing idea for me because we all know the state of his mind but what else could this be than giving the aliens exactly what they want from hosting this competition through all these years? Luka's parallels with Hyuna in the way they went about their roles in this world always fascinated me greatly because on one hand we have a total rebel who didn't hesitate to escape and do what She thinks is correct and on the other we have the Perfect contestant for Alien Stage. A title that sounds prestigious but can be also terrifying if we look at it from a human perspective. Someone so capable of twisting people's minds for the sake of entertainment and someone just detached enough to not hesitate at the truly awful implications of being a part of this competition and still participate with everything he's got. We don't know what exactly is the reason he did all of this and we also don't know much about. Anything that goes through his mind. So what the hell am i even talking about honestly. I want him so badly its painful i can fix him❤️

TOP 3: guys Guys Guys Guys Guys Guys Guys. Here it is. Famously known video i never shut the fuck up about. I think dropping this not before Alien Stage started but in the middle of it was genius because now we know exactly what the nature of this world truly is. I will never shut the fuck up about how absolutely amazing this video specifically is. The shift between the perspective of Alien Stage the aliens have to the perspective the humans themselves have is so fucking well done it makes me insane everytime. What could Alien Stage be to beings incapable of feelings? Just the perfect source of entertainment and money they could ask for. Its nothing more than that. But to the humans themselves its absolutely everything. Where they could win everything or lose it all. In this world humans have no other option than to trust their abilities to have even the slightest chance of being given the right to live freely. Where the cost of losing is your life. But also where the cost of winning is your own humanity. This video represents all of that in such a perfect way and it makes me ill in the head. GHhagzgHagGagagagav im normal

MIZISUA: Having a dedicated video for the most important relationship in the whole series is actually such a brain move. You can always feel the love these two have for each other every time they are together but the way you can feel it here just hits. Not a single word is spoken and yet you can feel everything they felt for each other in just that peaceful moment they shared when they were being sent to Anakt Garden. And the way you can also feel the pain Sua's absence has on Mizi in the span of so little time. You can feel absolutely everything with just that final scene alone. You can also see how opposite they were to each other and yet how well they fit together despite that. Seeing Sua like this makes me feel ill because i know already how much Mizi's everything changed her completely. To be loved is to be changed indeed. This video says everything you need to know about their feelings for each other and im DIGGING IT man. I miss them so much it hurts

All-in: HEH. HEY. HI HYUNA. This is like the perfect way to introduce her. We already know Hyuna somehow managed to break into the competition itself to save Mizi and this video just enhances more the way we see her by showing us how strong she is both as leader of the resistance and as a person. Hyuna is by far the most mature of the cast and this video shows it in such a perfect way. Someone like her is exactly what Mizi needed to finally break away from the pain Alien Stage caused her and to search for a path of her own in the freedom she now has. I love how easy going and fun the whole song feels because its no longer a performance for the aliens its a performance for the humans. Its no longer a song trapped beneath all that surrounds Alien Stage. Its a song made for the people that are free from the aliens that's meant to inspire them to keep moving forward and to not stop fighting for the future where the humans hold freedom. All of this also makes the fact that Luka is such a huge trigger for her elevate both of their characters greatly and also just make the whole conflict between them more interesting. What exactly was it that made Hyuna despise this man to the point thinking about him makes her sick? What exactly goes through Luka's mind when it comes to Hyuna specifically? They make me insane in the head i think the day we get more Hyuluka lore is the day i officially pass away forever. Godbless

[harrygoeswest]

Trigger Warnings: sweary sweary language

Word count: 11,184

Chapters twelve, thirteen & fourteen

fifteen

I hadn’t felt like this for a very long time. The last time I felt even a fraction this happy, and this content, was when I was with Rico. And somehow this was different; this was better.

Harry and I had been drifting in and out of consciousness since we finished. He was laying on his back, one arm behind his head and the other stroking up and down the length of my spine. I was nestled against his side, my head on his chest and my right leg hooked over his. I always knew when he was unconscious because his arm stopped moving and his breath grew heavier; it didn’t tickle when he exhaled.

The next time he woke, his hand travelled a little lower, and he began kneading into my bum with no strategy whatsoever.

I looked up at him, my chin resting on his pectoral. He peeled an eye open, his kneading pausing.

“You don’t like it?”

“No, I do.”

He nodded once and carried on, closing his eyes again.

It was late now. I had no idea what time it was but absolutely nothing could be heard outside - not the wind, not a car, nor a cow. I could barely hear the river, either. It was unusual, even for this sleepy village.

“I owe you an apology, actually.”

Harry frowned, opening both eyes now. “For what?”

“You had a blind date a couple of months ago, right?”

His eyes widened. “Yeah… How did you know that?”

I pointed at myself. “Was supposed to be with me.”

His brow furrowed furiously, all movements having stopped. I wasn’t sure if he was upset or confused.

“I don’t understand.”

“Well, I turned up, realised Zara had tried to set me up with you, and immediately left.”

Harry studied my face for a moment, eyes flicking over me. A smirk was forming on his mouth and it perplexed me. “You stood me up?”

I pressed my lips into a tight, guilty line. “Yeah…”

“That’s interesting.” He mumbled.

“Why?”

“Because I spent that whole evening in the pub with a different girl.”

I pulled back a little. “I beg your pardon?”

He laughed, hand back to gliding over the expanse of my back. “Another girl genuinely turned up claiming to be my date.”

My mouth fell. “Who?!”

“I can’t remember her name… She was kinda petite, dark hair in a long ponytail, spoke with an inflection at the end of every sentence.”

“Spoke with a what?”

“You know when people make their voice go up? At the end of every sentence? So it sounds like they’re always asking a question?” He did exactly what he was referring to in his own speech.

I giggled, annoyingly amused by him. “Right okay. I don’t know who she is, though.”

“Well anyway, as far as I was concerned she was my blind date. I had no idea someone else had already had the audacity to stand me up.”

“Sorry.” I mumbled, resting my chin back down.

“Why did you leave when you saw it was me?”

“Same reason I’ve always left. Couldn’t face embarrassing myself in front of you.”

Harry took a deep breath, and he stroked over my hair with a doughy gaze. “Imagine how much quicker we could’ve done this if you weren’t such a wimp.”

I smacked his chest and scowled at him. “Don’t be so fucking rude.”

“Look - I already fancied you a little bit at that point. If you’d have stayed for the date instead of running away I’d have been right chuffed.”

“Yeah right did you already fancy me.” I scoffed.

“I did!”

“Rubbish.”

“I promise you I did.”

“For what reason?” I demanded.

“Because you’re beautiful!” He said with exasperation. “Nuttiness aside you’re fuckin’ gorgeous, Florence, any man would be an idiot not to think so.”

I was still frowning. “Well now you’re just being superstitious.”

“I think you mean superficial.”

“Whatever.” I hid my face against his chest.

“And if anything I was being conceited, but it’s still true. That day you walked into the practice for the first time was unforgettable.”

“That’s because I made a complete and utter arse of myself.”

“No,” He started, and then decided to go back on himself, “well, maybe a little bit. But I did also think you were incredibly pretty.”

“I was a mess.”

“Yeah, but like a sexy mess.”

I whined loudly. “Shut up.”

“I like that you’re always covered in grease and oil. Shows how hard you work.”

“Alright, you can stop now. I’d just really like to know who the fuck you were on a date with and how they even knew.”

“Who else knew about the date?”

“No one. Just Geri and Zara but they’re not gonna have a second person lined up, are they?”

“Well, they might.”

I looked at him with a scowl.

Harry laughed. “I’m joking, Floss. You must’ve told someone else.”

I thought about it for a while. “No. Only the host lady person at the pub. I asked her to tell you I was sick.”

“Oh, it gets better and better.”

“I panicked, alright?”

He looked at me and shook his head. “You left me to be mortified. In a pub alone.”

“Well apparently you had a queue of other women waiting for you so it wasn’t that bad.”

Harry cackled towards the ceiling and tightened his grip around me. “Alright, alright, alright.”

I watched him for a moment. He closed his eyes again but continued trailing his fingers up and down my back.

“Did you sleep with her?”

Harry’s movements paused, and admittedly I was startled by my own question. “Yeah, all night. Couldn’t leave her alone.”

I narrowed my gaze. “Glad you had a good night after all.”

He chuckled and shook me a little bit. “I didn’t sleep with her, Florence. I made an excuse to go home after an hour because she wouldn’t stop talking about politicians that are allegedly lizards.”

“Interesting…”

“It wasn’t.”

I watched him a little more, delighted by the content look on his face. I don’t know how long I stared at him before I fell asleep, and I can’t remember if he stopped his tracing before or after my eyes dropped closed, but we both drifted off eventually, and I forgot to set an alarm.

I was sitting in the office with my head in my hands when my phone started ringing, and I nearly jumped out of my skin.

Harry and I woke up that morning with a jump scare because I didn’t set an alarm and we’d had a particularly late night. The time on the clock when I looked over was nearly 10:30. I didn’t get to work until after 11. There was a queue of angry customers wondering why I wasn’t open and I had to make up some bullshit excuse about having to go and get some ‘emergency parts’ from Cheltenham.

Because I started nearly 3 hours late I had to make up the time I lost by staying 3 hours late, too. By 8 o’clock I was filthy, tired and fed up. Was that really my karma for shagging a sexy man?

I peeked at my phone, heart swelling a little at the name on the screen. Dad was requesting a FaceTime, which could only mean Ruby was about to go to bed.

I slid the accept bar across the screen and waited for the call to connect. Ruby’s face appeared, and she was dressed in her pyjamas with her hair done up in little space buns.

“Hola, querida.”

“Hola, máma,” Ruby grinned at me.

“Have you had a good day today?” I asked, and propped the phone up on my desk so I could rest my chin in my palms.

“It was amazing! We went to the water park on the caravan site for the whole day. Grandad came with me in case something happened but it didn’t and it was so much fun!”

I smiled helplessly. “That sounds like a fabulous day, muffin. I’m sorry I missed it - I used to love a water park. What was the best part?”

“There’s a whirlpool! So you drop into it and slide around and around this big bowl and then fall through a hole in the middle.”

“Oh, that does sound fun. I’m a little jealous.”

“Te echo de menos, Mummy.” Ruby said, voice quieter than it had been. Daniela had been teaching her while they were away, by the look of it.

I suddenly felt guilty. My chest hurt. “I miss you too, querida. Won’t be long now until you see me, though. Just a few more days.”

“Florence?” I heard my mother in the background of the call. She appeared behind Ruby, just as blurry and just as tinny. “¿Por qué no conduces hacia nosotras mañana por la noche?” Why don’t you drive down to us tomorrow night?

I took a deep breath and sank into my chair. That could actually work. “Sí, quizás. ¿Cuanto tiempo tardaría?” I asked how long it would take.

I noticed Ruby had started staring at something else; we were boring her.

“Cerca de cuatro horas.” About 4 hours.

Fucking hell!

“Quizás. Eso es un viaje largo.” Maybe. That’s a long drive.

I heard Dad say something but I couldn’t see him. Mum looked back to me with a serious expression, “Nosotras pagaremos la gasolina.” We’ll pay for the petrol.

I rolled my eyes. “No estoy luchando por el dinero. Estaba más preocupado por lo tarde que me llevaría allí.” I told her I was concerned about how late I’d get there rather than the financial aspect of it.

“Ah,” my mother laughed, “Viernes noche.” Friday night.

I nodded and dragged my dirty hand down my dirty face. “Está bien, sí. Vendré después del trabajo, pero no le digas.” I said I’d go, but they weren’t to tell Ruby. I wanted it to be a surprise.

“Mummy,” Ruby mumbled.

“Yes, poppet?”

“Is Bongo there?”

I looked over my shoulder at the dog curled up in his bed. I whistled at him, and he sat up immediately. “Come here, mate.”

The dog scrambled over, and I stroked a firm hand over his head before I picked him up and placed him in my lap. He just sat there panting with excitement.

“Bongo!” Ruby shouted with delight.

The puppy grew confused, recognising his name but not where it was coming from. He started pacing in my lap.

“I’ve missed you, puppy! I can’t wait to see you when I come home.”

“He’s missed you too, sweetness.” I assured her, stroking over his head.

“I wish you were both here with us.” My small child lamented.

“I wish we were there, too. I promise, in the summer the three of us will go away together, alright?”

“Okay!” She grinned.

“Vamos, Rubes.” My mother patted Ruby’s shoulders. “Es hora del baño.” It’s bath time.

“Sí, Abuela,” Ruby peered up to her with a smile.

“Bye, baby girl.” I cooed at her through my phone screen.

“Adios, Mamá. Te quiero.”

“I love you, too.”

Our phone call ended, and I felt deflated again. I held Bongo to my chest as I thought about our upcoming weekend and how plans had so quickly come about. The dog simply lay against me, allowing me to pet him as I pleased. I think, just like me, he was happy to have some company and some affection.

I closed the garage, went home and showered, and took the dog for a long walk. We stuck to the roads this time so that they’d at least be lit and we weren’t walking around a big field alone. The weather was on our side again.

I walked past Harry’s house and paused by the entrance to his drive. His car was parked in its place and I could see a dim light on in the kitchen. I wrestled with whether to go and knock on the door or to leave it and go home.

We hadn’t spoken since we parted ways this morning. I supposed it hadn’t really been necessary, plus we were both late for work and I hadn’t stopped moving all day.

I shook my head, pulled up my big girl trousers and marched my way up to the front door. I knocked three times, and then fiddled with Bongo’s lead while I waited for an answer.

Harry appeared maybe 30 seconds later, but his expression was difficult to read. And then he smiled and folded his arms across his chest. “Evening,”

“Hey…” I said, now feeling awkward. “Sorry for just turning up. I was… well, I thought it would be weird if I walked past your house and didn’t say anything… after last night, you know?”

“Really?” He asked, his question thoughtful. “This wasn’t just your intended destination?”

My cheeks burned. “No, I needed to take the dog for a walk.” I lifted the lead up a little.

“Convenient.”

I blinked, now feeling like a complete idiot. “Is it…?”

He giggled and took a step back. “For me, it is. Come in.”

I was bewildered, but I followed him anyway. I kicked my shoes off in the hallway, keeping Bongo on a tight leash while Harry fussed him so he couldn’t run riot.

“Have you eaten?”

I looked at Harry and shook my head. “No, I was going to do that when I got back home.”

He sighed and shook his head. He then took my hand and dragged me into the kitchen, sitting me down in the same place I’d sat the last time I was here. “I will feed you. Because we can’t have a repeat of yesterday, can we?”

I smiled at his comment, staring at the table. Bongo fussed around my feet, so I calmed him down with a few long strokes down his back.

“I haven’t actually eaten, either. I got… distracted with something.”

I wasn’t the type of person to pry for what it was.

Harry searched through his cupboards, the fridge and the freezer for something for us to eat. “Well this is embarrassing.”

“What is?”

“All I’ve got is packets of pasta, frozen chips and fish fingers.”

I giggled, resting my elbow on the table and my cheek against my closed fist. “You don’t have to feed me, Harry.”

“No, I want to.” He insisted. “I was meant to go shopping yesterday and… didn’t.”

I pressed my lips tightly, completely endeared by him. “I’m fine with fish fingers and chips if you are.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Alright.” He sighed.

I watched him closely as he took what he needed out of the freezer, laid it out on a baking tray and shoved it in the oven.

“I also don’t have anything sophisticated to drink.”

“What are the choices?” I asked, still watching him with a gooey look.

“Squash or water. Or straight gin.”

I giggled again, sitting straighter. “Water will be fine.”

He nodded with a pained look. “Such a shit host.”

“No worse than me.” I assured him. “I didn’t feed you at all yesterday.”

He looked over his shoulder with a smirk. “I ate.” He whispered, and I shook my head at him. “I don’t think either of us were interested in dinner yesterday.”

That much was true. I had severe tunnel vision last night, but he was entirely to blame for being so desirable. If he hadn’t come to the garage with his bravado and his words I would’ve just gone home and had another lonely night with a meal for one and an early bedtime.

“Is it Fridays you said you normally send Ruby to your parents?” He asked as he brought over two pint glasses filled with water and sat them on the table.

“Thank you,” I mumbled, pulling the glass closer to me. “Normally, yes.”

Harry nodded to himself as he sat down in the chair next to me. “So… next week, when Ruby is at your mum and dad’s, if I find someone to look after Oscar - will you let me take you for an actual dinner?”

I laughed once, grinning like a hopeless idiot. “Yes. That’d be nice.”

“And you won’t stand me up this time?”

“Promise.”

Harry was smiling too, his gaze fixed on the table. “Alright, good.” He took my hand in both of his and brought it to his lips. “I would do it this weekend, but I said I’d drive up to my Mum’s for the weekend before bringing Oscar back.”

“It’s fine. I… also said I’d go down to Cornwall after work tomorrow to spend a few days there.”

“Wasn’t that well-planned?”

“I know.”

Harry looked at me for a moment, and I looked at him. Nothing needed to be said, but I was happy I was with him, there and then. I was pleased I stopped and knocked on the door. It would’ve been so easy for me to carry on past and go back home.

“I’m glad you won’t be on your own this weekend.” Harry said quietly, his lips brushing over my hand. “I don’t want you to be alone, I don’t like the idea of it.”

“I know you don’t.”

“You promise me, if there’s a day, or a week, or however long-a period of time where you’re home on your own, you’ll come to me instead?”

I felt warm and tingly inside. I felt like something was about to change massively, but it would be a change for the good. I was excited. Something about this man made me feel safe. He provided a space for me, and for Ruby, that was untouchable. No one could hurt us if we had Harry.

“I promise.”

Harry smiled, and it was one of the most beautiful sights in the world. He tugged on my hand, squeezing it so that I’d come closer to him.

I stood, leaving the dog’s lead hooked on the back of my chair, and walked the few inches to where Harry was sitting. He rested his hands on my sides, never taking his eyes off me as I carefully placed myself in his lap, my legs either side of his.

I traced my finger over his lips while he smoothed his hands over my legs, my back and my bum. I was obsessed with his face - his mouth, his jaw and his nose in particular.

I kissed him without his permission, though he didn’t seem to mind. I held his face and he continued to caress my back as we snogged, a relatively innocent gesture that could turn salacious if we allowed it to. Perhaps not while dinner was cooking, though.

We kissed and kissed and kissed until our mouths were bruised and bloated. I could feel that Harry was hard between my legs and it was about to become dangerous. One rub the right way and I’d be demanding he take me to bed to finish me off. I’d rather save that for later.

“You know, I really like you, Florence.”

I sighed at his confession, resting my forehead against his. “I like you, too.”

“Even if I am a dentist.”

I giggled, and wrapped my arms around his shoulders to be closer to him. “Even if you are a dentist.”

He hummed into my cheek and left a wet kiss there. “Will you stay tonight?”

I pulled back, gently studying his entire face with my eyes and my hands. “On one condition.”

“The dog won’t be kicked out, I swear.”

I laughed loudly. I’d forgotten about the dog. “Not that.”

“What then?”

“You have to set an alarm now for the morning so we don’t forget.”

He grinned and pressed a firm kiss to my lips. “Deal.”

sixteen

On Friday evening I closed the garage up early and drove down to Cornwall to see Ruby and my parents for the weekend. I knew I was being optimistic thinking I’d make it there in 3 and a half hours like Google Maps said it would take. No journey is that simple on a Friday night, and especially not on the last weekend of Whitsun.

I left at 4:30 and I didn’t get there until much past 9pm. There’d been a road closure between Bibury and the motorway. There was an accident on the M5 to literally no one’s surprise. There was another road closure as soon as I got past Exeter, and then I got lost between there and Perranporth. I was irritable and tired when I walked through the door.

“Mummy!” Ruby shouted excitedly as soon as the door was open.

“Hola, querida,” I greeted her through a strained voice, letting Bongo off his lead to run riot around the van. I was past the point of caring.

She leapt towards me to give me a squeezing hug, but irritation aside I was happy to see her again. “What are you doing here?!”

“I missed you too much.”

She pinched my cheek with all her fingers like she used to when she was tiny, and I held her to me as tightly as possible.

“How was the journey, poppet?” Dad asked once Ruby was safely back on the floor.

I grunted. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Have you eaten?”

I shook my head. “Nope. Didn’t want to stop.”

My mother kissed her teeth and stood from her place on the sofa in the window. “I’ll make you some cheese on toast. Won’t do you any good to eat too much now.”

“Gracias, Mamá.” I sighed, kissing her cheek as she passed me. “We’re going to bed as soon as I’ve eaten, alright?” I said to Ruby. “It’s very late.”

“That’s okay. I’m tired.” She said in a passive tone, and went to sit on the sofa next to Dad and Bongo.

I carried my suitcase through to the second bedroom, which was harder to locate than I thought it would be. The caravan was long and had the living area and kitchen at the front, with two bedrooms and a full bathroom at the back. All the furnishings and decor were beige and grey. It felt clinically clean, even with my parents and my daughter in it.

Without unpacking I wandered back into the living room and sat down longways along the sofa so that my feet were up and I was facing the TV. Ruby didn’t hesitate to come and situate herself between my legs, resting her head on my chest. By the time I’d finished the cheese on toast my mother made for me, Ruby was already asleep. I spent half an hour combing my hands through her soft hair.

“Te ves bronceada, Florence.” You look tanned, my mother said in a near-whisper. “¿Has estado arreglando autos afuera?” Have you been fixing cars outside?

I chuckled. “No.”

Mum grunted. “Have you seen the girls much with all your free time this week?”

“Not really. Geri has been away all week in Spain and Zara went on holiday on Wednesday, so I’ve been alone.”

“Have you really been alone or are you just saying that?”

My gaze snapped to my mother, horrified. “What?”

She laughed under her breath to not wake Ruby. “I birthed you - I know you.”

Dad suddenly heaved, shaking his head as he stood up. “This is where I call it a night.”

I frowned as he left a kiss to the top of my head.

“Night, Floss. Nice to have you here.”

I stared after him as he wandered down the corridor to the room he and Mum had claimed. “Is he alright?” I asked once the bedroom door was closed.

“He’s fine, he just doesn’t want to talk about… you know what.”

I blinked at her. “No, I don’t know what.”

“Yes you do. Come on, tell me who it is.”

My cheeks started burning. I coughed and looked away. “No one.”

“Well that’s a load of shit.” She chastised. “Tell me. Is it the dentist? I hope it’s the dentist.”

“Mum!” I hissed. “It’s no one. There’s no one.”

“Stop fibbing!” She hissed back. “There’s obviously someone, you’re basically glowing. And it ain’t a pregnancy glow.”

I dragged my free hand down my face. “You’re being really embarrassing.”

“I’m your mother. You should want to tell me these things.”

“Well, I don’t.”

“Please?” She begged. “Si no es la dentista no me importarà.” If it’s not the dentist I won’t mind.

I lolled my head back until it hit the window. I winced at the pain. “Fine. It’s the dentist.”

My mother’s mouth fell with delight, her eyes glittering. “I knew it. What happened?”

I sighed, still with my fingers in Ruby’s hair. “He broke down late on Tuesday night so I had to go and get him. The next day he came to pick the car up and it just kind of… happened.”

“¿En el garajo?” In the garage?

I nodded.

She gasped and smacked my arm. “Florence!”

Her displeasure made me oddly smug. I knew I was doing something right if she didn’t approve.

“Was that it?”

“Nope. He… stayed the night and made us late for work yesterday. And then… I stayed with him last night.”

Mum covered her mouth from giggling. “Well… Buena para ti, querida.” Good for you, darling.

“You wanted this to happen.” I said, slightly bewildered by her reaction.

“I did… I thought you were too stubborn to do anything about it, though.”

“How rude.”

“All due respect, baby girl, but I know you didn’t make the first move.”

She wasn’t wrong. “Not my style.”

She rolled her eyes at me. “How do you feel about the whole thing?”

I thought about it for a minute. “I don’t know. I do like him - he’s very likeable. He wants to take me for dinner on Friday and I haven’t said no.”

“You’d be an idiot to say no.”

“Alright, bloody hell. I was only saying, you know? I would like to do that whole thing with him. As much as I wanted to avoid it before… there’s something about him that I really like.”

“He’s handsome.”

“Yes, obviously. But not just that.”

“Good with children.”

“Yeah… somethi-,”

“-Good in bed, by the sounds of it.”

“Por el amor Dios, Mamá.” For crying out loud, mother.

“Lo siento.” She pecked my shoulder. “You don’t need to look for an excuse or a reason to like him just because I wanted you to.”

“No, I know. I don’t even know what’s going to happen.”

“You don’t have to. Floss, it doesn’t matter if you see him for a bit and then leave it be, or whether you marry the bloke. It makes no difference to me, as much as I like the man. Do what is best for you. And obviously Ruby.”

I nodded and smiled at her. “Thank you, Mamá.”

“Siempre.” Always. “Take Mini to bed, you need a good rest.”

“Buenas noches.”

“Dormir apretada, querida.” Sleep tight.

I was sitting on the balcony at the front of the caravan alone. Ruby wanted my mother to bathe her before bed, and Dad had gone for a walk before the sun went down. All I could see was the sea, and all I could hear were the waves gently lapping against the cliffs below us. It was paradise.

Paradise aside, Ruby’s behaviour today had been interesting. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but she barely said a word to me all day. In fact she’d spent most of her day with Dad and the dog. I tried not to take offence to it, but something bothered me.

We’d spent pretty much the entire day at Perranporth beach. I spent the morning sunbathing with a book - the first time I’d read a book in a very long time, and then after lunch I went for a swim while it was hot so I wouldn’t die of a heat stroke. I tried to get Ruby to come in with me but she said she didn’t want to because she went in with Grandad in the morning and she’d already put suncream on. I couldn’t argue with that logic.

I took another long swig out of my wine glass and laid my head back to listen. There was a light breeze brushing up my arms, but it relieved the heat on them. I wasn’t sure yet if I’d managed to avoid the sunburn or not. I sat like that for some time.

Older children were in the play area up the road a bit, talking just loud enough for me to hear them but not their conversation. The site’s entertainment club at the opposite end of the park was thumping out music that I could only hear the bass to, and occasionally a car would drive past. All of this was far from a nuisance, though.

My only interruption was my phone vibrating on the table next to my wine glass. I peeled an eye open to look at the notification.

INCOMING CALL: Oscar’s Dad

I held my breath for a moment, a nervousness kicking up in my belly. I wasn’t expecting to hear from him at that moment and it made me anxious. I felt like a giddy teenager.

I picked up my phone and cleared my throat before I answered, “Hello?”

“Hi,” Harry said softly, and as equally as quiet as I had.

“Everything okay?” I asked, biting the tip of my fingernail.

“Yeah…” he said around an awkward laugh. “I was gonna try and not bother you, but… I wanted to talk to you.”

“About what?”

“Nothing in particular. I just missed you.”

My entire body grew hot, and my bitten smile was shy. “I miss you, too.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. Hate to admit it, but I liked having y’around the past few days.”

“Why do you hate to admit it?” His question seemed both genuine and teasing and it only made me feel more ridiculous.

“Because… I’ve spent the past 8 years telling people that I’m okay being alone in that way. And then I’ve spent 2 days with you and it’s all gone to shit.”

Harry chuckled. “It’s okay to be both. I think being alone and being lonely are two different things.”

“Did I come off as lonely?”

There was a pause, and I imagined him shrugging. “You did say it yourself that you didn’t like being on your own.”

“That’s a yes, then.”

He kissed his teeth. “Where are you?”

I was amused by him trying to change the subject, but I appreciated it. “On the balcony outside the caravan.”

“Can I see?”

“Er… yeah. Hang on.”

I pulled my phone away from my ear and took a photograph, sending it straight to him.

“Did you get it?”

There was another pause before he answered. “Yeah. Very nice.”

“Where are you?”

“On the sofa in my mum’s living room.” He laughed. “Comfy but nowhere near as exciting. Oscar is already flat out in bed and Mum went up early. So I’m all alone.”

“But you’re having a nice time?”

“I am. I always like coming up here for a couple of days.”

“Well then that’s all that matters.”

He hummed. “Are you having a nice time?”

“I am. I’m glad I came, actually. The journey was horrible but it doesn’t matter. Ruby was happy to see me and I was pleased to be back with her, too.” I neglected to mention that she was in some weird mood with me.

“That’s good.”

“I am looking forward to having my bed back, though. As lovely as this all is, sharing a small bed in a caravan with someone as fidgety as Ruby is not the one.”

As I said it, I heard Mum and Ruby emerge from the bathroom as the water drained through the pipes underneath the caravan.

“Just one more night. Two more until you see me again.”

I snorted at his sense of importance. “That’s obviously the best part.”

“Obviously.”

I took a deep breath and looked over my shoulder inside the van. “Ruby is about to get into bed.”

“Okay. I’ll let you go. Just do me one favour?”

“What’s that?”

“Let me know when you’re home tomorrow. It’ll put my mind at rest.”

I wanted to squeal, he was so thoughtful. “I will. Lo prometo.”

“Grassy arse.”

I rolled my eyes. “My mother would kill you if she heard you say it like that.”

“I’ll get practising for the next time I see her.” He said earnestly. “Goodnight, Florence.”

I ignored the fact that I was once again overcome with glee at the way he used my full name. “Night, Harry.”

We ended our call and I finished my glass of wine before I went inside. The sun was nearly set which meant Dad’s imminent return with the puppy, and I could hear Ruby making a fuss over her pyjamas at the back of the caravan. I left my wine glass in the sink and went to find out what was going on.

“What’s all this then?” I asked from the doorway with a little frown.

Ruby stopped her whines as soon as I appeared in the doorway, but she refused to look at me. She was scowling and it was a rare sight.

“Her pyjamas are too small on her.” Mum said quietly. “Must’ve shrunk when I put them in the dryer on the site yesterday.

“Okay…” I nodded thoughtfully. “Well, we’re going to need to go shopping on our way home tomorrow, so why don’t we get you some new ones then, aye?”

“Well, yeah. But what about now?”

I was taken aback by how much like a teenager she sounded. She wasn’t at that age already, was she? I wasn’t old enough to have a stroppy teenager.

“You can have one of my nighties. Or what about one of Abuelo’s t-shirts?”

Ruby pursed her lips and stared at the wall. I was reminded instantly of Federico, because he used to make exactly the same face when he was thinking. I looked at the floor, saddened.

“Abuelo’s t-shirt.” My daughter decided.

“Bueno.” Mum nodded and stood from her place, patting Ruby’s leg. “I’ll be right back with one.”

I moved aside for her and went to sit in the space she’d just left. I placed a kiss on top of Ruby’s head, but she still refused to look at me.

“What’s going on, querida?” I asked in a whisper.

“Nothing.” She mumbled.

“You sure? Barely spoken to me all day - feel like I’ve done something wrong.”

She shrugged and wiped her nose.

I took a deep breath. “You know you can tell me if I’ve upset you. Being honest is important to me.”

She looked at me then with another scowl. “I’m fine, Mummy.”

I studied her face for a moment, and it almost looked malicious. I wanted to cry. “Alright… Do you want me to put you to bed?”

“No.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Okay. I’ll leave you with Grandma, then.”

I left the room, trying not to let my tears weep, but they did. I went and sat in the front of the caravan with my head in my hands and silently cried. It was weird - going from that giddy high to being dragged back down to Earth and stomped on by my own child. She’d never ignored me like that before. I wasn’t sure what I’d done to make her respond to me in that way, but she was too young to be hormonal.

Dad came back with the puppy about fifteen minutes after I’d stopped crying, leaving the dog with me to go and change. Either he didn’t notice my blotchy face, or it’d already calmed down. Bongo curled up in my lap and went to sleep immediately.

My mother reappeared not long after that and came to sit with me. “¿Estás bien?”

I shook my head and bit my lip to stop it wobbling. “Realmente no.” Not really.

“No se que le pasa hoy. Podría ser uno fuera de lugar, estoy segura de que estará bien mañana.” I don’t know what’s got into her today. Might just be an off one, I’m sure she’ll be fine tomorrow.

“¿Ella ha dicho algo?” Has she said anything?

“No, ella no me diría. Pensé que podría sacárselo, pero ella era terca y silenciosa.” No, she wouldn’t tell me. Thought I might be able to pry it out of her but she was just stubborn and silent.

“Debo haber hecho algo mal. Ella nunca es así conmigo.” I must’ve done something wrong. She’s never like this with me.

“Estoy segura de que no es nada, Floss.” I’m sure it’s nothing, Floss.

“Eso espero.” I hope so.

My mother sighed and rested her head on my shoulder. “Were you talking to someone on the phone earlier?”

I tried to keep still. “Uh-huh.”

“Who was it?”

I didn’t answer. I knew I probably didn’t need to.

She looked up at me with a smile. “Was it the dentist?”

“Maybe.”

She giggled. “Don’t be coy.”

“I’m not.” I couldn’t be something if I didn’t know what it meant.

“What did you talk about?”

“¡Mamá!” I hissed, swatting the back of my hand to her thigh. “Stop being nosey.”

“Oh, come on.”

“It was nothing, we were just chatting.”

“Did he call you?”

“Sí.”

“Aye, le gustas.” Oh, he likes you.

I gave a flat hum and shook my head.

“Lo sabía.” I knew it, my mother was smug.

“Whatever.” I scoffed.

I didn’t stay up for much longer with Mum and Dad before I decided to call it a night.

Ruby was spread out all across the bed but she was flat out, so I repositioned her on the side closest to the wall and settled down next to her. She was so angelic like that I couldn’t help but fawn over her. She was angelic most of the time, just not today. I played with her hair and stroked her cheek, but she never moved a muscle.

Sleep claimed me in no time at all.

We didn’t hang around in Perranporth on Sunday morning. Mum and Dad stayed back for a few hours to check out of the site and visit Port Isaac (where Doc Martin is filmed), but I wanted to get some groceries and get Ruby home so she was ready to go back to school on Monday morning.

She picked the music for the journey, randomly selecting songs from my music library and playing them when she felt like it, even if the last one hadn’t finished yet. It was starting to give me a headache, but she still wasn’t really talking to me so I let her do what she wanted.

We stopped at a Sainsbury’s in Taunton to do the shopping. It was about halfway home and it also made a nice change from shopping in Tesco. Ruby found some new pyjamas and a sticker book to keep her occupied for the rest of the way home, and we also picked up some lunch, which we ate in the car park before we took off again. I was aware it wasn’t a very exciting thing to do, but I really was eager to go home. My headache did subside a little after I’d eaten.

“Mummy?”

I glanced at my daughter, a little shocked that she was deciding to speak to me again. “Yes, muffin?”

We were coming up to the North Bristol junction where the M4 and M5 met, so we didn’t have too much further to go before we were home.

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

My stomach churned, and I was probably a little too slow with my answer. “No, I don’t have a boyfriend.” It wasn’t technically a lie.

“Are you getting a boyfriend?”

“Er… I don’t know.”

“What does that mean?”

I spluttered a laugh. “It means I don’t know. I might get one, I might not. I don’t… I don’t have any solid plans to, but it doesn’t mean in the future I won’t have one.”

“Right…”

I blinked, a little confused by the general conversation. “Is that okay?”

In my periphery I noticed her crumpling stickers in her hand. “I don’t want you to have a boyfriend.”

“Well, that’s fine, because I don’t have one.”

“But I don’t want you to get one later, either.” She said in a flat voice, and then looked right up at me. “Promise you won’t get a boyfriend, Mummy.”

I was a little stunned for words. “Rubes… I’m not gonna promise that to you.”

“Why not?”

“Because some time down the line I might find someone I really like.”

“What if I don’t like them?”

“Well, that’s different. The only way anyone could ever become my boyfriend is if they get your approval first.”

“I’ll hate all of them.”

“You don’t know that you’ll hate all of them, Ruby. Someone might come along who’s really nice.”

“Won’t matter.” She insisted.

“Why not?”

“Because boys are rubbish and I know they won’t be good enough for you.”

“Oh,” I gave a breathy laugh as I glanced her way again, “poppet, that’s very sweet.” I stroked a hand over her hair. “No matter what happens with whoever, you are always my number one priority, okay? No man comes before you, I can promise you that.”

Ruby was quiet for a moment, but I knew she wanted to say something else. “Sorry for being grumpy.”

I giggled. “That’s alright. You’ve had a long week, you’re probably tired.”

“Yeah.”

“Have a nap if you want to. It’ll do you good.”

“I’m not very good at napping.”

“Me neither. But it never hurts to try.”

“But then you’ll be lonely.”

“Impossible. I’ve got you and Bongo. I’ll be just fine.”

She looked at me, then at her lap and sighed. “Okay,” she said, and pushed everything on her lap onto the floor. “Will you wake me up if you feel lonely?”

“I will.”

“Thank you, Mummy. I love you.”

I took her hand and pressed a kiss to it. “Te amo más.”

Ruby kissed my hand in return, and then turned to rest her head against the window. I didn’t hear another word out of her until we were home.

seventeen

Even though it had only been three days I was nervous to see Harry again - that nervousness that came with the prospect of a new relationship, though. Not the other, generalised type of nerves. I didn’t have anxiety belly or a disposition. I was excited more than anything.

I was cleaning the kitchen after dinner when he finally arrived to collect his child. I looked at the clock on the wall when the door knocked and thought it a little odd that he was an hour late - usually I was the tardy one (thanks for the English lesson, Darren). I left the towel on the oven handle and went to answer the door.

“Sorry I’m late.” Harry said immediately. “I called a patient about a gingival graft and immediately regretted it.”

I blinked. Did he expect me to know what that was? “That’s okay. I’m late all the time.”

“Has he been alright?”

“Yeah, fine. Same as always.” I laughed awkwardly.

Harry smiled, his gaze studious. “Are you alright?”

I nodded. “Just fine. Are you?”

“Marvellous now.”

I felt the blush creeping up on me. “Good. Do you… want to come in for a tea?”

Harry bit away a smirk. “Why did you ask that as if you don’t really want me to?”

I took a deep breath and looked towards the ceiling. “I do want you to come inside. However, Ruby is currently on some weird anti-male campaign and I’m worried if she sees you in the house she’ll think something is going on.”

“Something is going on, Floss.”

“No, I know.” I groaned. “Sorry, I’m being a twat.”

“Tell you what… I’ll pass on the tea this time around, and I’ll text you later instead.”

“That’s not the same thing.”

He rolled his eyes at me. “Where is Ruby now?”

“Upstairs.”

“Good, so she won’t have a clue if I do…” He stepped inside the door, ushering me backwards just enough so that he could close it behind him, but that we weren’t visible to the rest of the house. Then he kissed me. Just once, very politely, on the lips. “That.”

My entire face was on fire. “Right.”

I peered into the house to see if by some freaky inconvenience she’d appeared to judge me, but there were no children in sight. I could hear them playing upstairs.

While I had the opportunity, I kissed Harry back. Harder. That kiss was different from all others before, because we felt as if we were being naughty - like teenagers in a school corridor during lesson time. It felt dangerous.

He held onto me as I did him, his hands against my back under my t-shirt and my hands holding his face. My tongue was in his mouth, mint the primary flavour, and his nose was pushed into my cheek. It was messy. More messy than it needed to be, yet I felt it could be messier. I wanted him on the floor with his fingers inside of me.

I was startled by my own thoughts and immediately pulled away.

“No,” Harry whined, chasing after me.

“Yes.” I retorted, pushing at his face and then readjusting my t-shirt. “Oscar, Daddy’s here!” I called up the stairs, wiping said father’s saliva off my face at the same time.

Harry made a guttural noise. “That’s a dangerous word.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I said, forcing a calm smile when I turned back to him.

His nostrils flared and his jaw set. He was amused and trying not to show it. “Liar.”

As the children thumped their way down the stairs, I ushered Harry back outside before Ruby could tell me off for having a male in the house. He was quite obviously entertained by my panic.

“Hi, mate.” Harry said to his child when he appeared together with mine.

“Hi, daddy.” Oscar said innocently while trying to put his shoes back on.

“Have you had a good day?”

Ruby slipped under my arm and wrapped herself around me. At least I knew she still liked me to some degree.

“Yeah,” was all Oscar decided to offer.

“That’s good.” Harry smiled. “Shall we get you home?”

“Okay,” he nodded, and stood right in front of his dad in the doorway. Then he turned over his shoulder and gave me the smallest, cutest smile, “thank you, Ruby’s Mum.”

I couldn’t help my delighted expression. “You’re very welcome, Oscar.”

“Bye, Oscar!” Ruby suddenly shouted, still clinging to me.

“Bye, Ruby.” He returned with a little wave, and then stepped outside to begin walking down the path to Harry’s car.

“Have a good evening.” Harry said.

“And you, Harry.”

Ruby stayed silent as she clung to me, and when I looked down at her she was scowling.

“Ruby, say goodbye, please.”

She huffed. “Bye.”

I had to refrain from telling her off while Harry was still there, but I knew my expression was giving me away.

“See you later.” He chuckled. At least he wasn’t offended.

Ruby pottered back into the living room as soon as he started walking down the path, but I waited until he was in his car and already driving out of the close.

“Mummy?”

I took a deep breath and closed the door before I answered her. “Yes, poppet?”

She was sitting on the sofa next to a sleeping Bongo. “Can you teach me some Spanish?”

I was a little surprised by her question. “You want me to teach you some Spanish?”

“Yeah… Abuela would teach me some before bed on holiday and I liked it a lot.”

“Oh,” I said around breathy laughter. “Sure, I can teach you a little bit. What do you want to know?”

I sat with her on the sofa, and she curled up next to me with her head against my boob. I stroked my hand over her hair. We sat like that for the whole night while I spoke Spanish at her and she just listened, repeating after me in her little English accent. Mum would have a fit if she heard her talking Spanish with an English lilt, but at least she was trying.

I talked and talked until she eventually fell asleep with her head in my lap. I simply watched her for a little while, cooing over her gorgeous little face. She was rosy in her cheeks and her dark hair shone even in the dim light of our front room.

For some reason my thoughts turned to what a world without her might be. What would it be like if I hadn’t kept her. I realised how much I didn’t want that. I’d be lost without her; I would be a woman without a purpose.

I did exactly what I shouldn’t do, and carried her to bed to sleep with me in mine, and I let the dog up, too. The three of us slept cooped up together like Eskimos in an igloo, except it was boiling hot outside and Ruby was like an oven at night. Alas, I kept the two of them right next to me, and we stayed that way the entire night.

The next day, when I collected Ruby from school, Harry and Geri were standing together in the car park as they waited for the children to be released from their educational prison. I tried to behave like I wasn’t over the moon that he was there - I had to play this relatively cool, didn’t I? Nobody, apart from my mother, knew what Harry and I were doing, and I wasn’t sure how obvious I was allowed to be. Actually, being obvious was completely off the cards anyway, because I didn’t want the other parents talking about us yet.

“Alright?” Geri asked when I took my place beside them.

“Yeah, fine.” I shrugged. “You?”

She grunted. “Bit tired. Zara said it was busy today?”

“Only as busy as every day is at the moment.”

“She was being dramatic, then.”

“As always.”

“That doesn’t sound like Zara.” Harry commented, his tone passive.

The two of us looked at him, and he was smirking.

“I actually wanted to ask you,” Geri said as if she’d forgotten something, ignoring Harry’s joke, “are you free on Friday? I need a girl’s night.”

“Er,” I could feel my face burning and it probably wasn’t a good look. I glanced at Harry, who was already looking at me with an odd, smugly expectant look on his face. I couldn’t say no outright, that would be too obvious. But I obviously didn’t want to give up my planned date night.

“No offence, Harry.” Geri laughed, swatting his arm.

He cleared his throat and folded his arms. “None taken.”

“It is Fridays Ruby goes to your Mum’s isn’t it?” Geri pressed

“Yeah, it is.” I couldn’t deny that - it had been the same ever since Ruby started going to school.

“Oh wait,” Geri visibly paused, and then smacked her cheek, “I can’t do this Friday. I’m taking Milly to the theatre.”

What a relief. “That’s fine.”

“Next Friday?”

Children began to appear on the playground so I kept an eye out for Ruby.

I nodded. “I can do next Friday.” If a second date with Harry was at all on the cards, it would have to wait. Even though I didn’t really want to.

“Cool. I’ll get onto Zara.”

“Okay.”

Oscar was the first to arrive out of the three children, but I found it unusual that Ruby wasn’t with him. I watched as he greeted his daddy with a little fistbump, and then Harry rubbed his hair playfully. I wanted to stare at their interactions all day - they were so simple but so cute.

“Where’s Ruby, Oscar?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” he looked up at me blankly, “I think she went to the toilet.”

“Alright.” I smiled at him.

“See you tomorrow?” Harry prompted.

I gave him a small nod and a closed-lip smile. “Yeah, see you tomorrow.”

“Bye guys.” Geri said with a wave when they started to walk back towards their car.

“Bye-bye!” The two of them called together.

As soon as they were out of ear shot, Geri said, “They are disgustingly adorable.”

I desperately wanted to agree, but I also wanted to remain passive. I simply hummed.

Not long after Milly appeared, still without Ruby, so I let the two of them go home. I was conscious of Bongo in the car on his own. I’d left the window down for him but I was still itching to get to Mum and Dad’s.

When Ruby did finally appear ten or so minutes later, she didn’t seem particularly rushed or worried.

“¡Vamos, Rubes, la abuela se preguntará dónde estamos!” Come on, Grandma will be wondering where we are!

She heard me shouting and picked up her pace a little.

“Why are you so late out, querida?” I asked, stroking over the top of her head when she reached me.

She didn’t look at me when she answered. “I needed the toilet.”

“For 20 minutes?”

We began walking back to the car so we wouldn’t be any more late. “I had… an issue.”

I knew what she meant, I just wasn’t sure which end of the spectrum she meant. Or whether she was just lying about her ‘issue’. “Are you poorly?”

“I don’t know, maybe.”

“Well, have you been like it all day?”

“No, just when I was leaving.”

I stopped and sighed, pulling her against me for a hug. “Alright, my darling. But you have to let me know if it keeps happening, okay?”

“Okay.” Was all she said.

“Buena niña.” I pecked the top of her head. “No me gusta verte enferma.”

“What does that mean?” She asked, resting her chin against my chest to give me a dopey look.

“It means, I don’t like it when you’re poorly.”

“Can you say it again?”

Slowly, because I knew she learned better by watching my lips move, I repeated myself. “No me gusta verte enferma.”

“No me gusta verte enferma.” She copied me word for word, in a much less Spanish accent.

“Eso es todo.” That’s it, I grinned and pinched her cheek. “Be careful with your accent around Grandma if you try anything later.”

“I know, she always tells me off.”

I chuckled as I helped her into the car. “Well, Abuela has been speaking Spanish a lot longer than both of us. The accent can be very important.”

She grunted at me, and that was the last we said on it. I gave her cheek another pinch and then got myself buckled in so that we could get going. Only time would tell if she was telling the truth about her bathroom issue.

I’d basically tipped my wardrobe upside down trying to find something to wear for my dinner with Harry. I knew it wouldn’t matter to him, but I still wanted to look… good. I cringed outwardly at myself. I hadn’t wanted to look good for a man since Federico, and here I was turning my entire wardrobe inside out. I needed some inspiration from somewhere.

It was hot, and would remain so for the foreseeable night ahead. So I couldn’t face the idea of jeans sticking to my thighs. I’d fucked myself over with that one considering 99% of my wardrobe was jeans, leggings and stupid graphic t-shirts. I dug around for a skirt - my only one, which was probably the wrong colour for anything but it was the first real idea I’d had. I eventually found it - a cream guipure lace maxi skirt with a ruffled hem.

Now I just needed a top to go with it. I discarded all my t-shirts and found the one I was looking for - a ditsy floral off the shoulder thing with puffy sleeves and a neckline a bit lower than I’d usually go for. I didn’t actually purchase that one myself - it was a gift from Zara. Clearly she knew I’d need it one day.

I’d already showered and was waiting for my hair to dry, so I put on a little bit of makeup, cleaned my teeth and made sure I smelled the furthest thing from oil and grease. Once my hair was at an acceptable level of dryness, I brushed it again and put some serum on the ends so it didn’t look so lifeless. I was obviously due in for another trim - if I didn’t remind my mother, she would surely remind me in the next few days. I sent her a quick text:

Floss 18:45 ¿Corte de pelo mañana? xxx

I made my way downstairs to put my sandals on while I waited for her answer, and found my little over-the-shoulder bag to put my things in rather than taking my usual rucksack.

Mamá 18:47 Sí, venir más tarde después del cierre xxx

She wanted me to come after the shop had closed, I imagine because she wanted Harry and I to spend as long together as possible before I collected Ruby. Sneaky woman.

I tucked my phone into my little bag and made my way into the village. It was so warm that it didn’t take very long for my legs to start chafing, and I immediately regretted my decision to wear a skirt without at least some shorts underneath. I should’ve thought about some chafing cream… maybe they had something in the shop next to Harry’s house.

I stopped in on my way past, and while they didn’t have any chafing cream specifically, they did have some Savlon. I gave my mother a thought, because her resolve for any issue was always Savlon. She would be proud. I stashed the cream in my bag before I left the shop. I don’t know why I was embarrassed at the thought of someone catching me with it, because everyone chafes, but I didn’t want anyone besides the nice shopkeeper knowing that I had it. Especially not Harry.

The walk across his gravel driveway to his front door was much more difficult in sandals than it was in boots or trainers, and I had to do my absolute best not to fall on my face. I knocked on the door and patiently waited for an answer.

Except I never got one.

I looked at the time and frowned. We’d agreed to meet at 7, and it was now 7. I tried the door again, this time a little louder in case he was at the opposite end of the house.

Still, I never heard even a slight shuffle.

I suddenly felt uncomfortable. Was I being mocked? That didn’t seem like Harry… I took multiple steps backwards until I nearly fell off the porch, and had to look around myself to make sure nobody had seen me. I checked my phone for a message, but I didn’t have any kind of notification waiting for me. I looked up, blindly shoving my phone back into my pocket while trying not to get upset.

I looked out across the river and scanned the area, still conscious of being seen to look like an idiot. I realised it wasn’t that hard for me to do.

And then I noticed something at the top of Awkward Hill.

Harry was standing outside Barb’s house. Even though it was a fair distance away I knew it was him, and I knew where Barb lived because everyone in the village knew where everyone lived. Oscar had apparently been given some e-numbers because he was zipping around his daddy’s legs nearly tripping him over. And then I could see Barb in the open doorway, she and Harry chatting.

I watched as Harry ushered Oscar inside, gave Barb a very brief hug and then began walking away.

Something was niggling at me. I didn’t know instantly what it was, but I was being thick. Again. Why would Harry take Oscar to Barb’s for the night? Had they just become familiar since he’d moved and she offered to look after him on nights when he needed a break?

“Oh my God,” I said out loud, realising what it was that was niggling at me.

Barb’s daughter Lottie was married to Harry! How the fuck had I not realised that?! I felt like an idiot, only I could take that long to work out something so simple. Of course! I was even in the room when Barb said to my mother that he’d moved here with the baby. Except, Oscar wasn’t a baby anymore, but I guess in many ways he was the baby generally speaking.

I tried to calm myself down before Harry reached me, because I couldn’t have him knowing that I was only now understanding his role.

When I could finally make him out, he wasn’t at all dressed how I expected him to be. He had on a navy and white horizontal stripe top with white linen trousers and black espadrilles. Not to be disgusting but he looked delicious. His facial hair was definitely helping.

“Hello,” He greeted me with a smile as soon as he was on the driveway.

“Hi,” I said as calmly as I possibly could.

He placed a very innocent kiss on my lips, his eyes wandering what he could see of me. “You look very lovely.”

I swallowed the small, dry lump in my throat. “Thank you. You look…”

“Awful?” He suggested with a laugh.

I shook my head immediately. “No. The exact opposite of that.”

“Oh,” He said with a mild surprise. ‘“Thank you. Sorry I’m late, I had to take Oscar up to Barb’s - she wasn’t back in time to get him from school.”

I shrugged. “It’s alright. I only mildly panicked.”

“I’d be a twat to miss a date with you.” He insisted, and gently took my hand. “Are you hungry?”

“Absolutely starving.”

We walked the short distance to The Swan hand in hand, talking about our day in the most simple and easy way. It felt so odd being like this with someone, but in a really good way. I never thought it would be that… uncomplicated, to just be with someone. Harry made it feel like the most natural thing in the world.

Given the temperature, we decided to sit in the garden in the shade somewhere, a little bit obscured from the view of any prying eyes. We ordered a bottle of wine to share, and I very quickly chose what I wanted to eat. Harry didn’t take much longer either.

“Is Ruby feeling better?”

I gave a singular breathy laugh. “I don’t think she was ill in the first place.”

“No?”

I shook my head. I’d asked Ruby multiple times daily since Tuesday if she’d had any more toilet problems and her answer was always no, and that she was fine. “I might be reading into it too much, but it’s strange for a child to have one bad toilet trip and be that shy about it. Especially my child. She has never been shy about anything in her life.”

“Do you think she’s being deceitful about something?”

I thought he knew by now not to use big words around me. I cocked my brow.

“Lying.” He chuckled. “Do you think she’s lying about something?”

“Oh, yes. But I don’t know what. I’ve told her before she doesn’t need to keep things from me, and it’s just not like her to lie.”

Harry made a complacent hum. “I’m sure it’ll sort itself out, Floss. Maybe she did just have a bathroom incident.”

I grunted. “Maybe.”

He reached across the table to take my hands. “If there’s one thing I’ve learnt about kids from having one, it’s that they can’t keep secrets for long. They don’t know how to, not when it’s about themselves. Oscar is the quietest child I’ve ever known, but if he’s poorly he won’t shut up about it. And if he’s been hiding something from me, he will always slip up at some point and give himself away. They’re too young to be dishonest.”

I stared at him for a moment with a pout, and I could feel his thumbs rubbing into the back of my hands among gentle squeezes. Eventually, I sighed, “You’re right. Thank you.”

He shrugged. “Any time. Maybe now you’ll tell me why you’re so scared of dentists.”

I barked a laugh. “Ha! Fuck no.”

He groaned and rolled his head back. “Why?!”

“Because it’s none of your business, that’s why.”

Harry pulled a face and dropped his head against our hands. His nose muzzled against my skin and it made me feel dizzy. “Please?”

“No.”

He peered up at me. “Whatever it is, it’s definitely not as bad as you think it is.”

“It’s not up to you to be the judge of that.”

He narrowed his eyes as he sat up straighter again. “One day…”

I rolled my eyes. “Nope.”

He watched me for a moment, relaxed in his composure and his gaze overtly warm. I felt like freshly baked bread under it, ready to be sliced up and consumed by him.

Unfairly, I thought of Lottie at that moment. I thought how, at one point, or multiple points, that affectionate gaze had belonged to her. I didn’t even resent her for it. I actually felt guilty, because I felt like I was taking him away from her, even though she wasn’t here anymore.

I cleared my throat, prying one of my hands out of his to take a sip of wine.

“What are you thinking about?” He asked, watching me intently still, except this time he looked concerned.

“Nothing.” I said, shaking my head, and then I took another drink.

“I can see it in your face, Florence. Something just… bothered you.”

“I’m fine, Harry. Promise.”

He carried on looking at me for a little while longer, and then he used his free hand to take a drink of his own. “If it’s about your elusive dental-related incident then I think I have a right to know.” He said around the lip of his wine glass, a jesting lilt to his tone.

“Sod off, you do not have a right to know.” I laughed, and shifted in my seat. I pulled my left leg up and tucked it underneath my right thigh.

“Not fair of you to keep me in the dark like this. Think it’s really mean.”

“Well now you’re just being childish.”

He scoffed, perpetually offended, and ripped his hand away from mine. “How rude.”

“Baby.”

“Stop it.”

I smirked. “Big, big baby.”

“Go back to being cute and unassuming, you were easier to flirt with.”

I wanted to be offended but I had to laugh. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Harry.”

“That’s more like it.”

Eighteen, Nineteen & Twenty

[craftyworx]

hi guys, allow me to go on a rant about content farms.

so we can all agree that content farms are the fucking worst. shitty, low quality videos of popular colorful shows or games to attract children and gain views.

It's so gross and really destroys fandoms.

For example, Poppy Playtime!! And Digital Circus!!! If I came up to someone on the internet and said "I like poppy playtime and digital circus" they would probably just assume im an ipad kid who's chronically online and likes shit like skidibi toilet.

and it fucking sucks because poppy playtime- that game is DARK. i fucking HATE these content farms that are taking chapter 3 and making cheap shit. like, chapter 3 HURT ME. IT IS REALLY DARK AND DISTURBING. and i have grown very close to these characters. i've drawn them, written them, made stories with them. hell, boxy and crafty are kinda stuck in my brain atp.

my dad's girlfriend has a kid who watches this kids content stuff. he watched me play ppt and just CASUALLY ASKED "whens the part with the torn up dog" and i just fucking look at him. like. what?

i respond with "oh he's coming up eventually. but i dont like looking at him." why dont i like looking at him? seeing animals in pain triggers trauma. so there are some parts in ppt that i cant pay attention to or watch due to this.

but he replied with "why? is because he's too scaryyy for you" i just said no then ignored him, because i am NOT explaining my trauma to him, that is not happening lol.

its hard for me to look at catnap because he's starved, and starved animals is an even bigger trigger for me so its hard to look at catnap. but he's so cool lookin and i love him. but this kid said "catnap isnt even that scary. and he looks so lame." then as im playing he just says how nothing in the game scared him, as if the whole point of the game was to scare him.

like. bitch.

"wow, its a 7 year old acting like a 7 year old! thats gen alpha for you!" yes but the fucking CONTENT FARMS. he went "oh yeah i saw a really funny video where the siren head characters were put into poppy playtime and they stole huggy's pepsi!!" and he was also critizing literally every thing i did while i played lmaoo

but anyways. the kind of things i have written with poppy playtime. the things i have drawn. the things i think about. people are gonna think i need a mental asylum.

same goes for digital circus. the content farms ruined the perception of tadc SO BAD. right now it's just known as a "content farm for 3 year olds" and even some people just see it as a kink, which is DISGUSTING.

i have also connected to the characters in DC as well. like ragatha, she reminds me of my mum so i really like her. but the fandom is full of shipping wars, content farms, and nsfw. which saddens me. thats why i dont want to be associated with tadc. its why i only talk abt it with friends. only lucky people see my art of tadc and literally noone but my partner knows my tadc story.

i hate how i need to be ashamed of my interests. i hate being seen as "immature" or "childlike". i dont know why it pisses me off so much, but its like a punch to the stomach when someone calls me immature. Just the thought of people thinking im immature scares me. thats one of the reasons why im so private with my interests. i've been somewhat open with poppy playtime, because i thought that chapter 3 would scare away the content farms for children, but nah.

apparently massacres, starved animals, cannibalism, betrayal, cults, and child abuse are all okay for children to see on the internet!! yippee!!!!!

i wont go into my past too much but little nightmares really hurt me with that betrayal. i got trust issues from it, and it really affected my mental health. it wasnt just the game alone, but i was too young to have seen the things i did.

content farms are just.. gross. really gross. they ruin everything. i hope they all burn in hell. and they get children into fandoms that they're too young for.

(tw for sui and animal death. skip to red text to skip this)

oh i remember seeing a content farm when i was a lot younger. it was a minecraft animation. i dont remember too much of it, but i do remember that there was a kid with a dog. the kid was neglected by their parents bc they were always working or something. so the kid played with the dog. the dog ran out of food while the kid was at school and the mum refilled the bowl, but she got dog food and chocolate mixed up. so yeah the dog uh. passed. the kid came home to the dog.. yk. he tried getting his parents attention to try and help the dog but they ignored him. then the kid hung himself. im not even kidding. and this was aimed for children. i didnt understand what was going on at the time but my god.

imagine if i kept watching stuff like this. imagine if the content farms caught little me's attention and i kept watching really horrible things like that. i wonder how i would've turned out. much worse than rn, i bet.

(end of tw)

yk this explains why im SO open abt hazbin hotel and murder drones! allat is more adult/teenager stuff, so i dont need to worry about children getting their grubby paws all over it.

but my main interest is poppy playtime. and it is so kids content-y it makes me SO FUCKING ANGRY.

and its funny, i LOVE things like The Little Prince (1943), Raggedy Ann and Andy (1977) and Calvin and Hobbes (1988). then i like poppy playtime (2021) and tadc (2023). like my interests are either in the 2020s or sometime in the 1900s, and there is no inbetween

but yeah. sometimes i feel ashamed of my interests, and that really hurts. especially when i've put so much effort into writing or drawing these characters. i mean, my onenote has sections dedicated to some characters, and some characters are so deeply developed.

(sui again..... feel free to click away now, this is the last section of my rant)

also buahahahaha just wait until these content farms find out how a CERTAIN character died in poppy playtime!!! she offed herself, her cardboard cutout hints toward it so bad. like if she died some other way then what the fuck was that cardboard cutout dialogue

"do you wanna jump to the moon with me? on three! 1.. 2.. 3! ..heh, didnt get very far, did we? lets try again! 1.. 2.. 3! ...nope. listen, this isnt going to stop until we get to the moon! again, 1.. 2.. no no! dont look at your feet! none of that matters! 1, 2, 3, Jump! JUMP! JUUUUUUU-"

i can dissect this as to why its sui, but i feel like its clear enough with "jumping to the moon" being "jumping to heaven". and the "listen, this isnt going to stop until we get to the moon!" being "the pain and torture wont stop until we're dead!"

anyways that uh.. that concludes my rant.

fuck content farms and i hope they die in a fire /vneg /ref

(@ch0cocrave @shamen0m0 @peppermintz-25)

[mooniechild]

E & D possible bpd disorder (part 1 D)

Okay so for those who don't know I'm a psychology student (yeah that's exactly what you read, now focus)so I gonna bring so reason why we can,and can not say Eric and Dylan may have had BPD, basically I gonna use their behavior, tapes transcriptions,drawing and their journal as a base for this.

Okay so for star BPD is a short for Boderline personality disorder,which is.....exactly a personality disorder wow.... unexpected,okay but what that means? different from a depression or a anxiety which is cause by yours hormones and can be treated with medicines Boderline is not cause by hormonal changes or brain chemistry like those two,which it means that medicate someone with BPD pretty much not gonna help in most of their behavior since is something on their personality and not on their chemicals.

Around 5 million people in the US have been diagnosed with PBD,okay now for Dylan and Eric and why most of the psychologist analysis of them could have been wrong even after years and years after.

1- one of the principal symptoms of BPD is the fear of a abandonment which Dylan demonstrate A LOT in his handwriting, especially after (apparently Zach Heckler) has found a girlfriend, Dylan felt that the world was conspiring against him trying to take the people he love away from him, Dylan saw Zach's behavior as him trying to abandone him after all they had lived together.

2-intense or unstable relationships,Dylan had a back and forth a couple times with Eric, asking his mom to backup him when Eric called and asking her to talk out loud with him so he could give a excuse to not be around Eric for a while,they both had a pretty intense relationship between them,BUT...let not forget Dylan dream girls,which him used to see them as a true love and then notice they didn't care about him at all (according to the man itself) Dylan was desperate to experience a true love like the ones in his fantasy and reading to his journal we can feel how left out of the whole relationship thing he felt,how he felt that he would never be loved back.

3- quick changes in self aspect, D used to have those low and high on his self esteem ever now and then,he would be 'Mr cutter' in a second and hate his nose,and feel complete godlike in another,he would have those up and downs most I think to protect himself in situations that he felt under pressure like around the jocks in school,or in the tape while he was trying to act tough in front of the camera

4- Impulsive and risky behavior is also a very common sign of Boderline,Dylan would scratch a locker, hack school computer with his friends to get the school lockers combo,he would break into a van and apparently even stole credit card passwords,he put himself in danger endless time(honor mention for him pointing a gun to his stomach while reloading it)

5-periods of paranoid,not let me get started it every time Dylan though people was conspiring against him,in a McDonald's as Sue mention on her book,Dylan even write about it on his journal

He mention a couple time felt that people was trying to fuck his life in a almost Godly way, trying to get his Alcyone away from him with all those human feeling's and thoughts and confusion,after a while Dylan started to see NBK as a way to get away from this reality to a whole new one with his love (he is a romantic let him be happy,let the kid dream)

6-Threats of suicide or self-injury, Dylan would very openly talk about his suicide thoughts on his journal,about blowing his head off with a pipe bomb or even shot a poor SOB person(someone is needing to understand his social class)

He discuss about his self harm and about how he felt depressed and with nothing left to live.

7-long feeling of emptiness,well well well look where we got,this sunshine boy is full of that,this feeling could be caused by triggers I think in Dylan case is most about his shyness,he was a very social anxious person, Devon once said he wouldn't go to her party cause some people he doesn't like would come over,so I guess most of his feeling of emptiness was caused by creating those paranoias that people was trying laughing at him.

8-Inappropriate, strong anger, losing temper often, being sarcastic or bitter, or physically fighting. Well I couldn't find anything about Dylan in fact physically fighting,I meant....Brooks on 4th grade doesn't count I guess,once he hit at his co-worker shoulder when she told him about a work Infraction....so yeah,he was know by many person as scary cause he would just be here and stare at them,or bounce at girls in the gym making them fell on the ground, calling Doddy a bitch,and being a asshole with his french teacher slamming doors and whatever at class,he would threat a special student Adam Kyler to kill him if he showed up for class,and he confess being mean to people at his journal,well at being sarcastic....

This men is my favorite sassy machine,he was know for being sarcastic,the whole voodoo thing on Devon birthday card, the way he act at the video he Brooks and Zach made for Mrs Caruthers.

The thing here is, boderline almost never comes alone most people ended up having a 2 or more mental health problems, boderline is more diagnosed on girl's and it didn't have a cure as I said before BUT have some great sources of treatment,the thing is psychology didn't came to a conclusion about how it develope BUT they think is a combination with genetic, environment,and social factors or huge trauma.

SO WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS: D in fact suffered with some sort of mental health problem,and analysing the case for 7 years now I guess we can pretty much see him trough a LOT of angles, searching in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders) a couple hundred times in the last 3 years I tried to comprehend Dylan actions and behavior,and I pretty much can see him getting a diagnostic of BPD,so this is the thread basically hope you guys enjoy,I gonna do a part 2 for Eric:)

[becomingpart2]

Yes, it was kinda my impression they knew it would be a bit jarring to have them together so they did an arc of mutual trust that was too much in other aspects. They thought they dealt with the SA just fine. From Whedon's Chosen commentary:

"The idea behind their sleeping together was very important. It was that their relationship had enough trust in it: that it was physical and romantic but not sexual. That was, of course, in response to the rape issue of last year, when he had attempted to rape her because he didn't understand the boundaries of their relationship – he was soulless. But having gotten his soul and having fought to become a person, we wanted to say this man can be redeemed from that. 

Not – and I've said this before, but I'll say it again – not in a Luke and Laura "he rapes her and they get married" way. Not in an "all is forgiven" way. Just in the way of he's still a human being who did a wrong thing and we still count him as a human being. I think that's a very important message, that their relationship should be complicated, and yet come to a place of trust. Without saying "Okay, now they're going to become lovers again", because I think that would be wrong. I think that's the wrong message. It's a very fine line."

Ugh. Okay yeah I see what you meant. I understand what joss whedon is talking about here but I think the main problem is that in trying to be extra careful not to jump straight to romance, they forgot to take the accountability part of it seriously.

They were so worried with not getting them together romantically right away that they focused all their energy in building a "foundation" for a romance instead of, you know, having spike face the consequences of what he did, having their heroine process her trauma instead of jumping to take care of her abuser. Joss whedon talks shit about what happened in that other show but he did the same thing; he prioritized the abuser, he prioritized the romance. The only difference between him and that other show is that he wanted the romance to "make sense" by not jumping straight to it. But it was still the same thing.

Also "he fought to become someone" ...did he? Because I didn't see that. All I saw was him crying and moping, Buffy protecting him beyond any reason and then him being like "fuck it, what's done is done". No accountability. No regret. And that was all best exemplified with the robin wood situation.

Spike had no arc in season 7, he was busy being thrown from one plot device to another to absolve him: first he was "crazy", then there was the chip and the trigger, then the first using him, then being Buffy's cheerleader. You can say a lot of things about him during that season but at no point was he focused on trying to "become a person" or even a better person. He had a better arc in Damage on ats than in the entirety of that season.