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softaron · 2 years ago

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Best lights for indoor growing weed

Whether you're an accomplished nursery worker or a beginner figuring out how to develop your own plants, developing lights are a fabulous asset for your home nursery. They make it conceivable to develop various plants inside, no matter what the season or measure of daylight. "Light is among the most imperative elements to consider while developing plants, since it is a crucial part of photosynthesis," says Jamie Chan and Blas Herrera of Haze City Landscaper.

We explored the top of the line, developed lights accessible on the web and sent some of them to our editors to test in their homes to assess size, wattage, bulb type, simplicity of arrangement, and by and large adequacy. Our best by and large pick, the GE BR30 Develop Drove Light, is sufficiently flexible to fit in any standard light and gives a decent light range to compelling plant development.

Here are the best developed lights for your plants, supported by our exhaustive exploration and testing.

Best OverallGE BR30 Drove Develop Light

What do purchasers say? 93% of 16,400+ Amazon commentators evaluated this item 4 stars or above.

Our pick for the best by and large develop light is the GE BR30, This fair range bulb offers top notch lighting that energises houseplants, indoor nurseries, desert plants, and blossoms to thrive all year long. Dissimilar to some other developed lights that produce unforgiving lighting, it gives delicate, normal brightening and warmth. Its decent light range is intended for seeds and greens, so you can develop spices, lettuce, cucumbers, peppers, and different vegetables squarely in your home. We love that it squeezes into any standard light, so you won't have to go out and buy another one.

While our analyzer was at first disappointed by this choice — it very closely resembles a customary light, and she questioned whether it would really do anything — she quickly found that it worked perfectly on her sun-cherishing yucca plant.

Our supervisor, Jenny Hughes, likewise tried this in her home, and noted, "I wasn't having a ton of karma developing seedlings until I got a GE BR30 bulb. Inside the space of days after I set it up, the seedlings were quickly becoming taller and shipping off leaves. The light is sufficiently splendid to give the seedlings what they need, however it's not incredibly brilliant like a great deal of developed lights are. It resembles having an additional light in my loft."

Cost at season of distribute: $41 (pack of four)

Next in line, Best Overall Soltech Arrangements Develop Light

Our Appraisals

Arrangement 3/5 Guidelines 5/5 Viability 5/5 Plan 5/5 Brilliance 5/5

Soltech Arrangements Hanging Develop Light, Moderate Light Gives Significant Outcomes

For a choice that is enduring, stylishly satisfying, and genuinely successful, you can't turn out badly with the Soltech Arrangements Develop Light. While it's one of the more costly choices on the rundown, we viewed this developed light as definitely worth the expense. When utilised for a normal of 16 hours out of every day, the light endures 15 years — far longer than less expensive choices. It has a 15-foot texture line and accompanies a Drove bulb, three roof snares, two wall fairleads, and a loot snare. You can look over two sizes — 5.8 x 3.8 creeps with 2,000 lumens or 7 x 4 crawls with 4,000 lumens — and two tones to alter it to your space and needs.

In the wake of treating her aloe plant with the more modest, 20-watt light for quite a long time, our analyzer saw critical development. It likewise added regular looking light to her space, basically serving as an enriching elevated light. One thing to note, however, is that establishment can be troublesome — our analyzer needed to request the assistance of her significant other, and, surprisingly, then it actually required 60 minutes. They noted, "Establishment was a long way from my number one thing about this light, however checking the actual light out? That is an alternate story. . . . Following a little while respecting it, I'd sincerely introduce one of these even without the sun-starved plant."

Cost at season of distribute: $119

Best Budget Aceple Drove 6W Work area Plant Develop Light

Our Appraisals

Arrangement 5/5 Directions 3/5 Adequacy 5/5 Plan 4/5 Brilliance 5/5

The Aceple Drove 6W Work area Plant Develop Light Is Smaller

Assuming that you're on a tight spending plan, the Aceple Work area Plant Develop Light is a great item that produces noteworthy outcomes. This developed light consolidates two light tones: red conveys 660 nm, which is great for blossoms and organic products, while blue offers 460 nm to help photosynthesis. With an enormous clasp and an adaptable gooseneck arm, it has the look and size of a lamp — however with all of the power your plants need.

In the wake of utilising it both in her home and in a nursery for a very long time, our analyzer found this light to give a sizable amount of light to numerous little plants. "With four pruned African violets organised in a roundabout potholder, we joined the Aceple to a towel pole and allowed it to take care of its responsibilities in six-hour increases. . . . After very nearly fourteen days with the Aceple, one of our African violets — which hadn't grown in years — began to create another bud," our analyzer noted.

Simple to set up and little enough to overlap up and store in a cabinet, it's an extraordinary choice for families with a couple of plants that require light depending upon the situation. Be that as it may, we noticed a couple of defects in the plan: The gooseneck arm was all in all too short, and the light is likewise deficient with regards to a clock. All things considered, however, this is an incredible financial plan that is reasonable for various requirements.

Cost at season of distribute: $14

Best Hanging Roleadro Drove Full Range Develop Light

Our Evaluations

Arrangement 3/5 Directions 3/5 Adequacy 5/5 Plan 5/5 Brilliance 5/5

The best full-range choice is the Roleadro Driven Develop Light. Because of the brand's exclusive range with 460 to 465 nm, 620 to 740 nm, and a 6,000 to 6,500 K waveband, it furnishes indoor plants with a different scope of light. This advances development and permits even the most fragile tropical plants and blossoms not exclusively to develop yet sprout all year. You can likewise develop occasional vegetables and spices in the colder time of year, spring, summer, or fall.

This 75-watt develop light additionally has an aluminium cooling plate to scatter heat, even on the most elevated setting successfully. It accompanies hanging sections that you can hang pretty much anyplace in your home, making it an extraordinary choice to cover. In any case, in spite of the fact that it's a great hanging choice, it's significant that we viewed setting up the hanging component as troublesome, as need might arise to have snares promptly accessible.

In the wake of utilising this board on different kinds of developing circumstances (counting pruned succulents and seed plate), our analyzer viewed this board is best for seedlings, taking note of, "In our test, the develop light gave our seedlings more than adequate sustenance almost immediately, so they didn't dominate themselves. The light likewise ended up being the ideal size for a standard seed plate. It disseminates light equitably, so every seedling gets an equivalent portion of light. It was the ideal size for a seed plate and gave an equally conveyed measure of light."

Cost at season of distribute: $33

Best KitAero Garden Gather World class with Connoisseur Spice Seed Unit Pack

Is it true that you are on the lookout for a work area garden? Provided that this is true, we think you'll adore the AeroGuard Collect First class. The superior exhibition 20-watt Drove light gives full-range beams to grow many spices and veggies. We're talking mint, basil, parsley, thyme, rosemary, sage, and dill.

With a smooth plan and a LCD control board, it seems to be a top of the line ledge kitchen machine. The Gather First class comes in light green, white, dark, or a tempered steel finish. At only 11 x 4.61 x 15 inches, it's the ideal size for a minuscule work area garden. The pack likewise incorporates seeds for six unique spices — and in light of the fact that they fill in water, you can begin immediately.

In the wake of involving this unit for north of a month, our analyzer viewed it as a lot quicker and more straightforward than developing spices outside. She had blended sentiments about its hardened steel look, which fit consistently in with her kitchen yet may appear to be awkward in a parlour.

Cost at season of distribute: $159

Best MountedFeit Electric Double Full Driven Plant Develop Cylinder Light

Searching for something you can mount? Your smartest choice is the Feit Electric Double Develop Cylinder Light. This developed light is lightweight, strong, and simple to introduce. It shows up completely collected and can be hung or mounted flush against your roof or walls. Intended to emulate regular daylight and work as a swap for customary nursery bulbs, this item conveys.

It transmits 450 nm of blue light and 655 nm of red light, a mix that has exceptionally encouraging outcomes for plant growth.1 Furthermore, it has a low intensity outflow, which forestalls consumed leaves and diminishes your electric expenses.

Cost at season of distribute: $46

Best for HerbsTorchStar Plant Drove Unit Indoor Spice Develop Light

The most ideal choice for spices is from TorchStar. With full-range sun oriented reenactment, this Drove Plant Unit gives both the right lighting and a compartment for developing spices inside. Impersonating normal daylight, it enlightens for 16 hours per day and afterward switches off for eight hours around evening time. This spice develop light is the ideal size to put on your windowsill, work area, kitchen counter, mantle, dresser, or side table. What's more, it has a smooth, moderate look that won't detract from your spices.

Cost at season of distribute: $30

Best Movable Spectrometer Develop Light for Indoor Plants

The LEOTER Develop Light transmits a full range of variety to empower deferred periods of plant development. It produces 660 nm of red light and 460 nm of blue light and a full-range transfer speed of 380 nm to 800 nm. A blend of each of the three conveys the best development results.2 This light is furnished with a variety of helpful highlights, including three timing modes, 10 dimmable modes, and three switch modes. The clock has 3-, 9-, or 12-hour additions and will consequently turn on and off every day — so your plants get sufficient light regardless of whether you are working or away on holiday. "We use clocks on our lights for simplicity of support consistently. It will consequently switch now and again based on our ideal timetable," note Jamie Chan and Blas Herrera of Mist City Nursery workers.

This light can be controlled by a USB port or connected to a standard outlet. A connector is incorporated for added accommodation. It has four light heads and four adaptable gooseneck arms that can be changed by 360 degrees. On account of a solid mounting cut, it very well may be joined to any surface up to 3 inches thick, taking into consideration flexible situations. The main disadvantages are that the light will in general quit working in no time, and we found no data in regards to a guarantee.

Cost at season of distribute: $26

Best StackableGardener's Stockpile Organization Stack-n-Develop Lights Framework

This measured unit from Grounds-keeper's Stock Organization permits you to develop plants upward and grow depending on the situation. Estimating 31 x 15.5 x 21 crawls at its base, the smaller, stackable plan opens up valuable floor space. Every rack can hold as much as 110 pounds, and you can amount to two racks — notwithstanding the base unit. While stacking at least two units, you might have to secure it to a wall with the provided sections for added strength. With 3.5 square feet of room on every level, you'll have a lot of space for seedlings and different plants. In the meantime, two full-range bright light bulbs with 3,730 lumens cover an enormous developing region. Super advanced reflectors direct light downwards, which diminishes brightness and energises plant development.

It's simple to set up: The pieces snap together, and no additional apparatuses are required. It's likewise lightweight, which is significant in addition to. Every rack weighs 7 pounds, and they fall apart for simple capacity when not being used. It's vital to take note that water will trickle from the upper racks onto the light installations. You can buy a little boot plate from the producer, or one more kind of dribble plate, to keep this from occurring. It likewise doesn't have a clock setting, however you can plug it into a plug extension with an inherent clock.

Cost at season of distribute: $215

Best Huge Capacity Spider Rancher SF4000 Drove Develop Light

With 5 feet by 5 feet of vegetative inclusion, the Insect Rancher SF-4000 Drove Develop Light enlightens an enormous area of plants. This 450-watt develop light radiates a full range of varieties: white, blue, red, and IR. A handle allows you to change the diminishing somewhere in the range of 10 to 100%.

In spite of their enormous limit, the included Drove lights are energy-productive, and that implies lower working expenses. Because of another diode format, the light is all the more equitably circulated at ideal force. For added security, this unit highlights waterproofing and defensive covering on the links. It's produced using sturdy aluminium, which doesn't lose an immense measure of intensity. 3 The main component that this generally heavenly entertainer needs is a clock. Draping it over your plants is simple, and it satisfies the producer's attachment and-play guarantee.

Cost at season of distribute: $500

#indoor growing weed #marijuana growing #cannabis grower #420 grower

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viking-raider · 4 years ago

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Southern Generation - Part VI

Summary: Sy officially moves in with Lily and they go on a road trip to make amends.

Pairing: Austin Syverson/OFC (Lily)

Word Count: 11,965

Warning: PG-13 - Language, Fluff, Angst, Smut, Oral - F Receiving, Drama, Pregnancy Cravings

Inspiration: Syverson is OP

Author's Note: Thanks to the wonderful @wondersofdreaming

Author's Note 2: Make sure to follow and turn on the notifications for my Tag List blog @viking-raider-taglist to stay up to date on this and all my other stories!

“That's the last of them.” Sy smiled, setting the last box of his stuff down.

With Lily pregnant and them making their relationship official, Sy moved all of his stuff from his Austin apartment into the farmhouse with Lily.

“Well, officially.” Lily replied, resting her hands on her hips and looking up at him. “Welcome home.” She smiled, giddy and proud.

“Thanks, Darling.” He grinned back, cupping her face and kissed her.

Lily smiled, as she woke up from her nap, feeling the warm and heavy weight of Sy's body in bed with her, his head in its customary place, on her chest. She usually woke up from her naps with Sy, whether or not he was with her, when she fell asleep or not. Sighing and moaning softly, she lifted her hand to twist the short, curling ends of his hair between her fingertips.

“Hm.” Sy hummed softly, rubbing his scruffy face against her chest and hugging his arms tighter around her middle, thumb stroking her tummy.

“I'm surprised at you.” Lily whispered, still playing with his hair.

“Why?” Sy moaned back, turning his head to look up at her.

“When I first met you, I half wondered what your hair would look like if you let it grow out.” She explained, running her fingers through it.

“Oh?” He chuckled, smirking at her.

“Yeah.” She blushed at him. “But, I just didn't expect the Bear, Austin Syverson, would have curls.” She grinned at him, twisting the ends of his hair between her fingers, she loved his developing curls.

“My hair hasn't been this long in ten years.” Sy laughed, blushing and biting his lip. “I've been thinking about cutting it again.”

“I will end you, Wyatt.” Lily threatened, touching the tip of her finger to his nose.

“Oh, busting out the middle name and everything.” He smirked, taking a playful snap at the tip of her finger. “Lily?” He whispered, biting the inside of his lip as he stared into her eyes.

“What?” She replied, tilting her head at him.

“Have you thought about going back?” Sy murmured, brow creasing. “Back to Middleburg, to see your grandparents. Jak isn't a threat anymore. I'm sure they would love to see you and I'd bet my life, you want to see them again. Especially now, with the baby on the way.”

Lily pressed her lips together, resting her hands on Sy's shoulders. “It would be nice to see them again.” She answered, after a long pause.

“But?” He pressed, sensing it coming next.

“What if they don't want to see me?” She asked, searching his eyes for comfort, and found it. “What if they don't want me in their life anymore?”

Sy took a deep breath, sitting up as he did, and brought Lily up with him. “Then, that's their loss.” He told her, folding her up in his arms and pressing his lips to her forehead. “If they don't want you in their life, then they are missing out on knowing one of the most amazing gals, who can light up a room, simply by walking into it.”

“You're just buttering me up, Austin.” Lily mumbled into his neck.

“Woman, have I ever lied to you?” Sy grinned into her hair.

“No.” She chuckled, blushing shyly.

“I don't intend to now, Angel.” He whispered, kissing her temple. “But, you won't know their reaction, unless you go and see them.” He added, softer.

“I know.” She whispered back, leaning against his chest. “You're right. I owe it to them and myself.”

“Whatever choice you make, I'll support you, every step of the way.” Sy told her, gently tipping her head back and tenderly kissed her.

“I think I want to go see them.” Lily said, later that night, while she and Sy sat at the dinner table.

Sy looked up from his plate of spaghetti and garlic bread, slowly lowering his fork. “All right.” He nodded, straightening his back and giving her his full attention. “When do you wanna go?”

“The sooner, the better, I think.” She mumbled, shifting in her seat, her own dinner mostly untouched.

Sy nodded his head again, quietly regarding Lily from across the table. He could see the worried and fearful anxiety on her face, still mulling over every worst case scenario about seeing her grandparents again, he could almost see every one of them tick by her eyes. Afraid that her grandparents would disown her, the moment they laid eyes on her. Blaming her for what transpired with Jak. Afraid of what their reaction would be, when she showed up at their door, after five years of silence, pregnant with the baby of man they had never heard of or met before, especially since they were incredibly religious.

He reached across the table, just in time to catch the tear that escaped and started to slip down her cheek, then rested his hand over hers. “No matter what happens, Lily. You still have me.” He told her, lovingly.

“You still have us.”

Lily grasped Sy's hand and tried to smile at him and not cry at the same time, which was hard with the way her hormones were starting to really get out of control. “I know.” She choked back.

“Let me finish painting the rest of the house and go to your twelve week baby appointment on Friday, then we'll pack a bag and ourselves into the car and drive out there.” He told her, making a game plan, so her frazzled and tired mind could relax.

“It's only a twenty-ish hour drive.”

“I think, that's a good idea.” Lily nodded, chewing on her lip, taking deep breaths.

Sy smiled and squeezed her hand. “Good.” He chuckled and let her hand go, before picking his fork back up and dug into his spaghetti.

Sy double checked his large, Army issued duffel bag, making sure he and Lily had enough clothing, he had her zofran, nausea medicine, and prenatal vitamin, along with everything else he, Lily and Aika would need for the almost nineteen hour drive from Celina to Middleburg, Virginia, having already put her pregnancy pillow in the car, before tugging the bag closed, slung it over his shoulder and went downstairs.

“Billie promised to keep an eye on the place and pick up the mail for us.” Lily said, meeting him in the entryway hall.

“Great.” He smiled. “Well, I got all our stuff packed.” He said, jostling the duffel bag.

“I already packed some snacks in the truck too.”

“Then, we're all set!”

“No, I have to pee, one more time.” Lily giggled, and rushed into the half bath.

Sy laughed, shaking his head and took the duffel bag out to the truck, dropping it in the back seat with Aika. “All set?” He asked as Lily came out of the house.

“I am now!” She nodded, crossing the yard to the truck and got into the passenger seat.

“Did you lock up?” He asked, getting in with her.

“Yep.”

“You good, Aika?” Sy asked, looking to the German Shepherd, who let out a loud bark. “All right, let's get this road trip underway!” He pulled up Google Maps on his phone and entered the address to Lily's grandparents' place, then set the device on its dock and started the truck.

Sy and Lily laughed, as they sang along to a song that came on Sy's playlist that they both liked, Enemies by Shinedown. But, Sy turned the song down, when Lily suddenly stopped singing and quickly identified the look she got just before she threw up. Quickly popping open the center console, Sy reached inside of it and pulled out a circular, blue and white object and opened it, holding it out to her. Lily took it from him, without question and threw up in it, once or twice.

“Where did you get this?” She asked, looking at it, realizing it was a hospital-grade nausea bag. “Did you rob a hospital?” She chuckled, looking over at him.

“No.” He laughed back at her. “I bought them off Amazon. I wasn't sure if you got car sick on long rides or not. But, I was sure the baby would make you nauseous, at least, once on the drive. So, I wanted to be prepared and make you as comfortable as possible in the process.”

Lily tied the used bag closed, then opened the center console and found another twenty-plus of the blue emesis bags inside. She smiled up at him, shaking her head in disbelief of his utter and complete thoughtful and preparedness.

“You never cease to amaze me, Austin.” She said, sitting back up. “You see how amazing your Daddy is.” Lily grinned, looking at her belly, and making Sy blush.

“Well, I gotta take care of ya, don't I?” He smirked, resting his hand on her thigh.

“Yeah, I suppose.” She sighed, smirking back at him.

“There's some Listerine strips in the center console, by the way.” Sy added, after a few quiet moments.

“I'm sorry, am I offending you?” Lily giggled, opening the console again and fished around for them, before finding the small blue case.

“No, no.” He grinned, chuckling. “Just figured you'd want to get the taste out of your mouth.” He explained, finally getting them on the interstate highway.

“Did you pack my nausea meds?” Lily asked, feeling another wave wash over her.

“Yeah. It's in our bag.” Sy nodded, brow creasing, as he tried to figure out what stupid shenanigans the car in front of them was up too.

Lily twisted in her seat and pulled the worn green bag between the front seats, tugging it open and riffled through it, until she found the little prescription bottle of tiny, white oval tablets, then turned back around. She removed one of the pills and cracked open one of the two bottles of Voss water in the cup holders and downed the pill.

“Why don't you rest?” Sy suggested, reaching behind her seat for her pregnancy pillow. “It's just going to be annoying highway stuff for a while.” He said, giving her the pillow.

“I don't want you to get lonely.” Lily protested, maneuvering and situating the U-shaped pillow into a comfortable position.

Sy smiled over at her. “I'll be fine, Angel.” He assured her. “If I get lonely, I'll talk to Aika and we'll play the quiet game.” He chuckled, looking at the dog from the rear view mirror. “I'll wake you up around one, and we'll find some little place to have lunch.”

“If you're sure.” Lily yawned, she was usually already in the middle of a nap by now.

“Positive, Sweetness.” He nodded, turning the heat on a bit to make sure she was kept warm.

Lily contorted her body in her seat, drawing up her legs and propping her head and the curve of her pillow against the window, wrapping her arms around it and hugging it against her body, before dozing off to sleep. Sy reached out and rested his hand on her leg, gently massaging it as he kept his eyes on the road, just listening to the hum of the tires on the worn asphalt of Interstate Forty fill the silent cabin of the truck; Aika curled up on the backseat. The quiet boredom of the road allowed the devil to whisper into Sy's ear.

He wasn't sure what to do, if Lily's grandparents, the people that raised her, rejected her, and not only her, but their great grand-baby, his child. He knew he had to be strong for Lily, it would crush her, if they wanted nothing to do with her and the baby, but Sy wasn't so sure he would be able to keep himself under control. He had a feeling he would end up giving the couple a very big piece of his mind, before bringing Lily back home to Celina.

“It'll be fine.” He said aloud, glancing over at Lily. “It'll be all right.” He assured her sleeping form, leaning over just enough to lay his hand on her belly.

Sy found a turn off into Memphis just before one in the afternoon, parking at a small riverfront park in downtown Memphis, giving Lily a quiet place to wake up and all three of them a place to stretch their legs, and Aika a place to pee.

“Hey.” Sy called, softly, shutting off the car and leaning across the console. “Lily. Wake up, baby.” He cooed at her, brushing his knuckles against her cheek and tucking her hair behind her ear, kissing the corner of her mouth. “Hey, sweet pea.” He grinned, watching her eyes slowly flutter open, blinking at the bright sunlight glittering off the murky river water.

“Where are we?” She asked in a sleepy voice, rubbing her cheek against the microfiber cover of her pillow.

“The home of the King, Memphis Tennessee.” Sy chuckled, teasingly, and kissed her again. “So, love me tender.”

“I'm all shook up.” Lily chuckled, unfolding herself and sitting up in her seat.

“Well, it's now or never, baby doll.” Sy roared, his head going back.

“Oh, don't be cruel.”

“But, I can't help fallin' in love.” He chimed back.

“What now, my love?” Lily asked, smirking at him.

“I knew there was a reason I loved you.” Sy commented, finding more and more of them every day. “But, I thought we'd get some fresh air and stretch our legs, I'm sure Aika has to pee. Then, we'll find some lunch.”

“I like that idea.” Lily nodded, pushing her pillow into the back seat, then climbed out of the truck, taking the used nausea bag with her to throw away, while Sy put Aika on her leash.

Sy took Lily by the hand and strolled down the little sidewalk along the riverside, watching the various types of boats go by them on the water. The weather was nice and warm with pleasant enough humidity, a few clouds floating in the baby blue sky.

“Are you craving anything specific?” Sy asked as they patiently waited for Aika to do her business in the grass beside them.

“Hmm.” Lily hummed, pressing her lips together and considering if there was something specific she wanted for lunch; she hadn't had any definitive cravings yet, other than the three days she really needed to eat Mac and Cheese.

But, something specific did strike Lily.

“A pretzel.” She purred, already licking her lips at the thought of the salty baked good.

Sy chuckled at her, amused at the expression on her face, eyes closed and dreamy. “All right. I'll get you a pretzel then.”

It was like a ding went off in Lily's soul. “I want a lot of Pretzels.” She said, eyes popping open and looked up Sy, almost manic and desperate.

“Okay.” He replied, brows raised and blinking at her. “I'll get you a pretzel for lunch, then some to munch on.”

“Yeah.” Lily nodded, staring down at their feet, eyes wide. “Pretzels are good.”

“That they are.” Sy agreed, snickering, unable to keep back his amusement.

Lily's eyes snapped up at him, watching him laugh at her, his eyes practically teasing and making fun of her. “Shut up.” She snapped, but started to laugh back at him. “I can't help it.”

“I know you can't.” He nodded, trying to stop, but it only made him laugh harder. “That's what makes it even better.”

“I hate you.” Lily giggled, playful punching him in the arm. “Now, I want my pretzel, Captain.”

“Yes, Major!” Sy replied, saluting her, then quickly cleaned up after Aika and took them back to the truck. “I just need to find a place to get you one.” He sighed, taking his phone off its dock and googled where to get a pretzel in Memphis, Tennessee.

“Okay, there's an Auntie Anne's not that far from us that does pretzels.” He said, saving the directions and setting them in that direction.

Leaving Aika in the car, Lily and Sy went into the shopping center the Auntie Anne's was in, navigating the crowd and line to the counter. Lily chewed on her lip for a moment, torn between getting a regular pretzel or the pretzel bites, before finally deciding on the bites with the nacho cheese dip. With her food, they navigated their way around again and Sy got himself something from the Wendy's the center had as well, before going back out to the truck to eat there; Lily stealing a couple of Sy's french fries and sharing a couple of her pretzel bites.

Once their lunch was finished and they tossed their empty containers away, Sy made a quick run into the Mega Wal-Mart across the street from the shopping center to buy a big bag of mini pretzels and a case of Voss water for Lily, knowing she was going to get very thirsting from devouring them.

“Thank you.” Lily said, when Sy gave her the bag as he got in the car, her eyes glued on the bag.

“Just don't turn into one.” He teased her, chuckling. “All right, let's get back on the road.”

“I don't want you driving all night, Austin.” Lily mumbled around a mouthful of pretzel.

“I know and I won't.” He replied, reaching a hand into the bag. “I'll go until sun down, then we'll find a place to sleep for the night.” He said, then crammed the four or five pretzels into his mouth.

“Good.” Lily smiled, passing back a pretzel to Aika, who quickly devoured it and came back for more.

Reaching Blacksburg, Virginia just after dark, Sy found a drive-thru to order them dinner and a motel for the night, parking out front of the motel's office. Sighing, he rested back in the driver's seat, scrubbing his palms over his tired face and lulled his head to the side to look over at Lily, who had fallen asleep again, twisted around her pillow and her half eaten bag of pretzels clutched to her chest. They were three hours away from her grandparents' orchard, three hours from finding out whether or not they would be in Lily and the baby's life.

“Watch her, girl.” Sy said to Aika, before slipping out of the truck, locking the doors for extra measure, and going inside the office to get a room.

Once he had the room, Sy got back into the truck and parked as close to the room as he could, before going around and opening Lily's door, careful not to let her slip out. Then, gently took the pretzel bag from her and set it aside, unbuckled her seat belt and tried to figure out for a moment how to untangle the mess of limbs and pregnancy pillow, but quickly gave up with an amused chuckle. He just picked up both her and the pillow to carry her into their room and laid her down on the bed, tugging the turned down blankets over her, then went out to get their bag, dinner and Aika.

“Hey, Angel.” Sy smiled, closing the room door with his foot as Lily sat up, rubbing at her face and pushing her hair out of her face. “I got us some food.” He said, holding up the bag.

“You hungry?”

Lily nodded, still sleepy. “Where are we now?” She asked, sitting cross legged on the bed, beside Sy as they ate their food.

“Blacksburg.” He replied, shoving fries in his mouth. “About three hours away from your grandparents' place.”

Lily bit her lip and nodded her head, staring at the half eaten, plain chicken sandwich in her hand, suddenly losing her appetite and set it down. “I'm gonna take a shower, I'm sore.” She mumbled, getting off the bed and headed into the tiny bathroom.

Turning on the light and closing the door, Lily let out a heavy breath and tugged her tank top off over her head, followed by her elephant patterned leggings and underwear, before turning towards the shower, the walls were dingy and discolored, but clean. Spinning the hot and cold taps, then stepping under the shoddy shower-head, she leaned her forehead against the cracked acrylic wall, letting the pleasantly warm water cascade down her back, like a waterfall, with a soft moan. She was starting to have second thoughts about going to see her grandparents. She wondered how upset or disappointed Sy would be, if she told him she wanted to go back home to Celina in the morning, instead of going the three hours to Middleburg to see them.

She wondered how disappointed in herself she would be later on, if she chickened out this close to their destination.

The bathroom door opened and closed, followed by the rustle of clothing, before Sy stepped into the shower behind Lily, resting one hand on her hip and brought the other one around to cup the gentle slope of Lily's belly, pressing his lips to the base of her neck. Gulping down a thicket of emotions in her throat, Lily turned in Sy's arms and pressed herself against his chest, nuzzling her face into his neck. He smiled against her wet hair, gently kneading her hips and lower back, knowing after so many hours in the car and the way she contorted her body to sleep, she must have been in pain.

“Let me take care of you.” He whispered, kissing her forehead.

Sy picked up the little bottle of travel sized, hotel shampoo, broke the seal on it and poured it into his broad palm, then gently massaged it into her hair, stealthily wiping away a line of soap that dripped down her forehead and almost in her eye. Lily closed her eyes, softly moaning at the gentle and pleasurable pressure of Sy's strong and blunt fingers working the scentless shampoo into her scalp, his thumbs moving out to methodically rub her temples, easing the edge off of the tension migraine she had all day. Sy tipped her head back into the spray of the shower, combing his fingers through her wet and soapy strands to rinse out the shampoo. With her hair washed, he found a small wash cloth and bar of soap, and started to wash her body, beginning with her shoulders and applying a little bit of pressure as he did to massage the cramped muscles there.

“God, that feels so good.” Lily sighed, melting under his tender affection, a smile twitching on her face as he rubbed the cloth over the ticklish spots of her sides.

Sy smiled, kissing the bridge of her nose. “Anything for you, Angel.” He cooed back, paying special attention to the beautifully growing bulge of her belly.

“Thank you.” She whispered, relaxed and sleepy, after they got out of the shower, letting Sy dry her off and secure the towel around her body.

“You're welcome, Sweetheart.” He replied, kissing her cheek.

Lily went back into the room and opened their duffel bag, just pulling out the first article of clothing that her hand came in contact with, which was Sy's worn, Jack Daniels, Tennessee Whiskey t-shirt and let the towel slip off her and pulled on his shirt. Sy stood in the bathroom doorway, still naked and dripping from the shower and smiled at her, loving how the black garment hung on her like a dress, her shoulder length hair dripping and making it wet as she brushed it.

He had never seen anyone so beautiful in his life.

Moving over to the full sized bed, Sy situated her pregnancy pillow, then turned towards Lily. “Lay down, Angel.” He cooed at her.

Frowning at him for a moment, but seeing the look in his blue eyes, Lily chuckled and laid down, situating herself with her head and neck propped up on the belly of the pillow and her body comfortably cradled in the middle of it. Sy picked up her discarded towel and used it to dry off some, before turning off the room lights, then crawled into bed with her. Moving between Lily's legs and gently bending up her knees and pushing them apart, Lily's startled gasp filled the dark room as Sy's warm breath wafted over her exposed folds, just before his wide tongue took one long and leisurely lick.

“Jesus H. Christ!” She cried out, gripping the arms of her pillow.

“Just me, Angel.” Sy chuckled, hooking his arms around her legs, so they rested on his shoulders, and pressed his palms down on top of her thighs, to keep her still, before dipping his head back down and pressing an open kiss to her clit, flicking the tip of his tongue against it, melting Lily into a sweet and needy whimper.

Sy licked and suckled at her delicate pussy, slipping his tongue between her folds to tease her entrance and get a deeper taste of her, lewd noises filled the room as neither of them hid the pleasure they were in and having. Lily rocked against his mouth, her hands pressed to the back of Sy's head to hold him in place, eyes rolled and fluttered, her anxiety of not wanting to go to her grandparents' in the morning completely forgotten in the heady peak of her orgasm.

“I love your mouth.” Lily sighed, out of breath, exhausted and pleasantly numb.

Sy roared with laughter, laying down beside her. “Good to know.” He grinned, pulling the blankets over them and draping his arm over her. “Good night, Angel.” He whispered, kissing her cheek.

“Night, Bear.” She mumbled back, starting to drift off.

Sy stayed awake for a little while, his hand slipping up inside the shirt she was wearing to gently caress her belly and stared at the back of her head. “God,” He whispered, careful not to wake or disturb her. “I don't ask much of you. But, for whatever my word is worth, please don't let these people hurt my girl. She needs and wants them in her life, so does our little one.” He said, lifting his hand to gently stroke her damp hair.

“Let this meeting tomorrow go well, for all of us.” He sighed, squeezing his eyes shut and hugging Lily back against him.

Lily took a deep breath and held it, as Sy turned the truck off the main road and onto the dirt road leading onto the Warren Orchard farm, seeing the tall apple tree shaped sign with Warren Apples carved elegantly in its trunk. It wasn't long before they came to the closed security gate, shutting them off from the rest of the farm. Sy rolled the truck to a stop and looked over to Lily, lifting a brow at her, waiting for her to tell him what they should do next, when a voice came to life next to him.

“Welcome to Warren Apple Orchards, what can I do for you?” A deep Southern drawl asked from a mounted intercom box outside the driver's side window.

Sy rolled down his window and leaned closer to the box, spotting the security camera mounted above the one side of the gate. “Yeah, we're here looking for the owners of the place.” He replied, glancing over at Lily again.

“Mr. and Mrs. Warren aren't taking visitors just now.”

Lily huffed through her nose and leaned over the center console and Sy. “Tell them, Liliana wants to see them, Judd.” She called out, biting and pressing her lips together.

There was a long pause with a bubble of tension, before an electric buzz filled the humid air around them and the metal gate rolled out of their way. Lily sat back in her seat and Sy gave her a concerned look, before driving though.

“You know him?”

“He's worked here as long as I can remember.” Lily replied, staring out her window to the immaculate lawn and row of trees beyond that. “Just keep following the road, you'll find the house at the end of it.” She added, picking at the hem of the shorts she was wearing.

True enough, a few minutes later, a massive colonial, plantation house appeared behind ancient weeping willows. Made mostly of white stone with two stories of wrap around porches and ornate black railings, tall marble columns, from the foundation to the roof; what looked like five chimneys, three turrets and an apple tree weathervane. The driveway looped around the front of the house, leading up the stairs onto the porch was double french, front doors.

Sy was in complete awe of it as he pulled around to the front of the driveway. “This place is amazing.”

“Yeah.” Lily gulped, biting her lip and stared up at the house. “Oh dear god.” She whimpered, shrinking her seat, trying to hide.

“What?” Sy frowned, then noticed a whited haired man step out of the house, wearing a pair of light brown khaki pants and a black pull over sweater with the Warren Orchard's logo on it, an apple with an arrow threw it, the front of the arrow's shaft bent in the shape of a W.

“I'm guess, that's--”

“My grandfather.” Lily nodded, peeking over the edge of the door to look up at him. “Yep.” She sighed, squeezing her eyes shut and pressed her forehead to the window.

“Well, you can't hide forever, Angel.” Sy told her, tilting his head at her. “He knows we're here and this is more than likely us, sitting here.”

“I know.” Lily huffed, chewing her lip. “I know.”

“You can do this, babe.” He encouraged her. “I'm right here, Angel.”

Lily looked over at him, looking at him like a lost puppy, before taking a deep breath and fortifying herself. “You're right.” She nodded, leaning over and kissed him.

Taking another deep breath, Lily opened her door and stepped out of the truck, gulping as she looked up the steps to her grandfather. Her heart felt like a war drum in her chest, she was excited to see him again, he didn't seem any different from the last time he had seen him, at least, not from the distance they were at.

But, she was also afraid of what was about to happen next.

“Paw-Paw.” She called out to him, softly, her voice shaky.

“Liliana.” He replied, lifting a snowy brow at her, his honey-brown eyes scrutinizing her.

“I've missed you.” Lily blurted out, sniffling, tears burning her eyes. “I'm sorry I disappeared. I'm sorry I just ran away and I didn't tell either of you where I was going or why. That I stayed away for so long without a word.”

“But, I thought about you all the time.”

He stared hard at her, crossing his arms over his chest. “You scared the daylights out of your grandmother and I, Liliana. We tried looking for you everywhere, but you just vanished into thin air, like you never existed.” He told her, his anger slowly showing on his face.

“We thought you were dead.”

Lily bowed her head, ashamed for what she had put her grandparents through. “I'm sorry. It wasn't my intention, Paw-Paw.” She choked, looking back up at him, breathing hard.

“Then, what was your intention, Liliana?” He barked at her, his eyes glowing with rage. “Who are you?” He hissed, as Sy came around the front of the truck to wrap an arm around Lily's waist, to comfort her.

Sy looked up at him for a moment, his eyes hard at the man. “Austin Syverson.” He replied, hugging Lily against his side and rubbing her back.

“Your relation to my granddaughter is what?”

“I'm her boyfriend.” He replied, narrowing his eyes at the other man. “Look, she's come here, because she misses you both, very much, and has regretted the way she left. But, she had to leave, she had a very valid reason in doing so. In reality, she's an adult, more than capable of making her own choices and doesn't have to answer to anyone as to why she's made them.” He told Lily's grandfather.

“That includes you.”

“But, she's gained the strength to come here to try and make amends with you both, for more than one reason. You can either accept that or you can not. What happens now, is up to you.”

“Davy, who is it?”

A voice called from the double doors behind Lily's grandfather, before it opened to a thin, elderly woman with a short, curly pixie cut, who struggled to wheel herself out of the house and onto the porch. Her dim and pale blue eyes almost instantly found Lily at the bottom of the porch stairs, her hands flew to the front of her flower pattern dress, mouth dropping open.

“Liliana!” She exclaimed, reaching out a hand to her husband.

“Mee-maw.” Lily sniffled back, smiling at her grandmother through her tears.

“Thank the Lord, you're all right, my sweet child.” She cried, pressing a hand to her mouth.

“I am.” Lily nodded, wiping at her eyes. “And, I wanna be part of your lives again. I want to make amends for what I did by running away and disappearing. I'm sorry, I hurt you and Paw-Paw.”

Lily's grandmother looked up at her husband, who was still glaring at Lily and Sy, pressed her lips together, then looked back at them. “Come inside.” She said, letting his hand go and turned her wheelchair around and headed back towards the door.

“Davy.” She called over her shoulder.

Sighing, he turned and pulled the door open for her, eyeing Lily and Sy as they mounted the porch stairs, then followed his wife inside the house, before doing the same. She rolled down the hallway and turned into the private study, motioning to the long leather couch and parked herself in front of it.

“Hello.” She said, looking at Sy as he sat down beside Lily on the couch.

“Ma'am.” He replied, politely nodding his head to her.

“Who might you be?”

“Austin Syverson, Ma'am.” Sy answered with a sweet smile. “I'm your granddaughter's boyfriend.”

“Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Syverson.” She replied, regarding him. “I'm Violet Warren, and this is my husband, Davis.” She said, motioning to him as he took a seat in a chair to Lily and Sy's left.

“Sir.” Sy said, nodding his head stiffly to him.

“You're looking well, Liliana.” Violet commented, turning her attention to her granddaughter.

“Thank you.” Lily whispered, licking her lips. “I just go by Lily now.”

Violet nodded her head. “Very well.” She acknowledged. “Where've you been, Lily?”

Lily drew a deep breath through her nose and slowly let it back out. “It's a long story.” She whimpered, gripping Sy's hand for support, chewing the inside of her cheek to bits.

Davis and Violet glanced at each other, before she leaned forward and took a small hand bell off the coffee table between them and rang it. A moment later, a young lady appeared in the doorway of the room and Violet asked her to serve them some tea. The tension was tight and thick in the room while the tea was being made for them, no one saying a word to each other. The servant returned, carrying in a highly polished tea tray and set it down on the coffee table, setting out teacups for the four of them and filled the cups, before leaving the room again.

“What is your story, Lily?”

Carefully drizzling a bit of honey into her tea with a honey dipper and taking a fortifying sip of it, Lily started her story. “You know that I had been seeing Jak.” She said, looking between her grandparents.

“We did.” Violet nodded, taking a sip of her own tea.

“Well, what you didn't know was Jak had been abusive to me.” She continued, staring into the rich and steamy liquid in the expensive china teacup. “He had been the entire time we were together. But, I was too naive and silly to break it off with him for the longest time. But, after a particularly bad incident, I decided I couldn't take it any longer. So, I packed a bag and went to live with Maggie. I didn't tell you-” She paused, brow creased, she had often thought about why she hadn't told them, but had never really pinned down a specific reason to why she hadn't.

But, she shook that thought off.

“I honestly don't know why I hadn't. All I knew was I was terrified of Jak finding me again and dragging me back into the life and situation I had been living in for so long with him. While I was with Maggie, I changed my name from Liliana Jade Warren to Lily Ana Moore, to make it harder for him to find me, which made it hard for the both of you to find me, and finished university.” She continued on. “After I did that, I moved to a very small town in Texas and started my own company for my Graphic Design and Photography.”

“It's how I've been supporting myself.”

“I was so consumed by my paranoia and fear of Jak finding me, that I never left the house I bought in Texas, five years ago, this is the farthest I've been from it, since I've moved there.” She confessed, looking to Sy, who smiled at her, supportive and proud.

“What's changed?” Her grandfather asked, his own teacup still where the servant set it, ignored and cold. “Why are you here now?”

Lily cleared her throat and set her tea aside. “I left and became reclusive, agoraphobic, because I felt unsafe and afraid. That Jak would end up finding me and hurting me. He did end up finding me, but Austin...” She looked to Sy, her eyes filled with appreciative love and pride. “Austin makes me feel safe again. He's protected me, in more than one way, and he's shown me what real love is. I owe him so much.”

Sy grinned brightly at her, gripping her hand, a bit choked up at her words.

“He's helped me get back to this place, a place I've held onto, wanting to be a productive member of society, to be back in your life and be your granddaughter again. I miss you and I love you both. That never changed and it will never change.”

“That never changed for us either, Lily.” Violet replied, resting her teacup back on its saucer. “You will always be our precious granddaughter and we have always loved you; from the moment you were born to this moment right now.”

“I hope you could find it in your heart, to have a little more love.” Lily whispered, biting the inside of her lip, gulping.

“For what?” Violet frowned, brows drawing together and head tilting at her.

Lily looked to Sy, who nodded his head at her. “Sy and I are expecting.” She mumbled, not meeting either of her grandparents' eyes.

“You're with child?” Violet asked, shocked disbelief in her voice.

“I am.” Lily nodded, whimpering.

“I hope you're not here, thinking this little reunion will get you money.” Her grandfather snapped, coldly.

Lily's eyes snapped over to him, a cold knot of shock, hurt and anger in her stomach, she could feel the tension stiffen Sy's body. “We don't need any of the family money.” She hissed, eyes hardening. “My business alone is quite well off, thank you; and I'm more than offended at the accusation.”

“That's putting it politely.” Sy chimed in, staring daggers into the old man.

“Davis.” Violet barked, offended at her husband's insult as well, she had no feeling that Lily and Sy were there looking for money or assistance with their lives or the baby.

“Excuse me, for the last time I recalled a couple sitting on that very same couch to tell us they were expecting a child, it was our sweet Daisy and that good for nothing, Palmer, and we all saw how that ended.” Davis replied, his voice cold and sharp.

“Austin isn't my father.” Lily barked, her voice mirroring her grandfather's.

Lily and her grandfather glared darkly at each other, before Violet grew annoyed with their childish behavior and clapped her bony hands together, catching the room's attention.

“That is quite enough.” She scolded them.

Sy hid his smirk around the rim of his teacup, already liking Lily's grandmother.

“How far along are you?” Violet asked, looking at Lily.

“Almost thirteen weeks.” She replied, unconsciously touching her belly.

“Do you know what you're having?”

“Not yet.” Lily grinned at Sy, giddy at the thought of finding out the gender of the baby, she didn't care if it was a boy or a girl, she was just excited in general. “We won't know for another five weeks.” She added, glancing over at her grandmother.

“Well,” Violet grinned, her eyes lighting up. “I can't wait to meet my great-grandbaby.” She said, sounding overjoyed at the prospect. “Davy?” She looked to her husband, her eyes still filled with excitement, but outlined with warning.

Davis looked at her for a moment, then over at Lily, before looking down at the watch on his right wrist, then stood. “I have to meet Mac in the south orchard.” He said, tonelessly, and left the room.

Lily let out an uneven breath and painful tears punched her in the chest, turning her face into Sy's collarbone as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and hugged her against his side, pressing his lips to her hair. Violet's mouth was pressed into a thin, angry, lipstick red line as she continued to stare out the study doorway after Davis, the rapturous event of finding out about their great-grandbaby being overshadowed by his stubborn pigheadedness.

“I think we should go.” Sy said to Lily, gently wiping away her tears.

“Please, do stay.” Violet chimed in, turning her attention back to them. “There's more than enough room right here.” She said, looking back and forth between Lily and Sy. “Please, it's been so long, Lily. You've been gone and so far away. Town is twenty minutes away and with you here now, two minutes is too far away.”

Lily looked up at Sy.

“It's up to you, Angel.” He whispered, brushing his thumb against her flushed cheek.

She looked over at her grandmother. “Of course, I would love that.” She whispered, wiping her nose on the back of her hand.

Violet smiled at her, relieved to have her granddaughter under the same roof again. “I'll have Clara set two extra places at the table.” She grinned, overjoyed. “I'll even have her make your favorites for lunch and dinner.”

Lily smiled at her, touched at her grandmother's sentiment. “Thank you.”

“You remember where your room is?” She replied, lifting a brow at her.

“I do.” Lily nodded her head.

“Then, I won't keep you any longer. I'm sure you must be tired with the baby and the long journey from Texas.”

“I am.” She agreed, sighing softly.

“Off you both go then, the bell will ring, when lunch is ready.”

“Thank you, Mee-Maw.” Lily said, nodding her head and stood up, Sy standing with her.

“Ma'am.” Sy nodded his head to Violet, then followed Lily out of the room and down the hall to a flight of stairs. “Well, that didn't go as badly as the two of us thought it would.” He commented, mounting the stairs behind her.

“No, it did not.” Lily replied over her shoulder, going up the three sets of stairs. “I just hope my grandfather comes around.” She added, coming to the second floor and going down to a door at the very end of the hall. “This is...was—my room.” She said, turning the vintage, metal and ceramic door knob that had a hand-painted gold floral design on it, and pushed the door open.

The bedroom was spacious and bright with the mid-morning sun shining in through four windows, between one set of windows sat a squat, five compartment, vintage chest of drawers, across from that was a full sized, poster bed, with the doorway to a bathroom to the left and a walk-in closet to the right. There was a bookcase and table against the wall by the door, mostly filled with church and home school related things.

“It's a nice room.” Sy commented, picking up one of the books on the table, a bible.

“Thanks.” Lily smiled, shyly, seeing that her grandparents had left her room the exact way she'd left it, when she moved out.

“Do you wanna rest for a little while?” He suggested, stepping up behind her and resting his hands on her hips, gently pressing his thumbs into the small of her back and massaging them.

“Yeah.” She moaned, her head dropping back against his chest, turning to kiss the underside of his bearded jaw.

“How about a nice warm bath first, maybe a cup of tea?”

Lily chuckled into his neck, grinning. “So dotting, Captain.” She teased him.

“I love you.” He cooed, kissing her forehead, then moved away from her and went into the bathroom, plugging the drain on the ancient claw-foot tub and turned the X-shaped tap handles.

Lily padded into the bathroom, sitting down on the closed toilet seat and pushed down the stress of her grandfather's behavior towards her, to watch Sy fill the bath for her, a soft smile on her face. She stood up for a moment and reached underneath the sink and removed a small bottle and handed it to him. Sy smiled at her and took it from her, uncapping it and getting the strong snap of eucalyptus and sprinkled the Epsom salt into the delicately warm water, before turning off the tap. He grabbed a towel and folded it, then situated it at one end of the tub, to pillow her head, when she started to soak.

“Now, where is the kitchen?” He asked, looking at her.

“Down the stairs, first door to your right.” Lily replied, getting out of her clothing.

“Cool, I'll be right back.” Sy told her, kissing her temple and stepped out of the room to go downstairs to get her tea.

Lily finished undressing and carefully stepped into the pleasantly warm water, leaning back with a soft and satisfied moan, focusing on the warm water enveloping her body easing away her aches and pains, melting away the anxieties that had accumulated during the drive over from Texas and the visit. While Sy found the kitchen and pushed open the swinging door, finding the cook, Clara, inside, who looked up as she heard him come in and wiped her hands on her apron.

“Can I help you?” She asked, lifting a brow at him.

“Um, just need a cup of tea.” He replied, licking his lips and glancing around the kitchen.

“Oh, of course, right away.”

“I'd hate to put you out.” Sy said, alarmed.

Clara chuckled at him, pulling down a cup from a high cabinet. “It's what the Warren's hired me for.” She assured him. “I'm guessing it's for Lily.” She added, moving about the kitchen as she put the things together to make the tea.

“Yeah.” He nodded, then patiently waited for her to finish and took the cup from her. “Thank you.”

“You're welcome.” Clara smiled, and returned to what she had been doing.

Sy carefully took the cup back upstairs to Lily, smiling as he stepped into the bathroom and saw her lounging comfortably in the tub. He was glad she could relax and let the stress go, even if it was for a little while. Lily stirred as he sat down beside her, smiling at him and taking the cup of tea from his outstretched hands and let out a pleased moan.

“Feels like a spa day.” She chuckled, handing her teacup back to Sy for him to hold, so she could relax back again.

“You deserve to relax.” Sy replied, softly. “You've got an important job to do.”

“Yeah, I'm growing a Syverson.” Lily chuckled, teasingly.

“Exactly.” He laughed back. “That's no easy feat to bring one of us into the world.”

“Bringing a Syverson into the world is just the start of it, then we have to raise them.”

“Oh, trouble, trouble, trouble.” Sy grinned at her. “Nothing, but trouble.”

“Toil and bubble.” Lily giggled, fully amused and lighthearted.

“Come on, sleepy, out with you.” Sy said, setting her empty teacup on the vanity counter and pulled the towel off the bar and held it open for her.

“Okay.” Lily replied, stifling a yawn with her hand.

Stepping out of the tub and into Sy's arms, she rested her forehead against his chest and let him dry her off. Sy had taken a liking to drying her off after she showered or bathed, since she'd become pregnant, none of which Lily protested to, she was usually very sleepy by the time she got out of them, so having him there to finish up was always nice.

“Oh, fuck.” He barked, after helping back into her clothing. “Your pillow is still in the truck.”

“It won't kill me to have one nap without it.” Lily said, through yet another yawn.

“You were a very cranky mama bear the last time you didn't have that thing to sleep with.” He reminded her. “I'll go down and get it, just sit tight.”

“I'd rather lay tight.” She huffed, starting to get cranky as she shuffled over to her bed and laid down.

Sy rushed back downstairs and nearly collided with Violet. “Oh my god, I am so sorry.” He panted, making sure she was all right. “ Are you okay?”

“I'm fine, where's the fire, Mr. Syverson?”

“Lily's laying down for her nap and I just realized she doesn't have her pregnancy pillow and she always wakes up very cranky, when she doesn't have it to sleep with.” He explained, calming down.

Violet smiled up at Sy, touched and pleased at the plain devotion he had for her granddaughter. “Well, we can't have that, now can we?” She chuckled, rolling back out of his way.

“No, ma'am.” Sy shook his head at her.

“Violet, Mr. Syverson. Just call me Violet.” She informed him as Sy reached the front door.

He paused, hand on the door and smiled at her, remembering when Lily told him to call her by her given name. “Of course, Ms. Violet.” He nodded at her, politely.

Violet smiled back at him and Sy went out to his truck.

“Hey, girl.” Sy said, opening the passenger door of the truck and only to get attacked by Aika's tongue. “I know, I know. I haven't forgotten about ya. I promise.” He chuckled, petting her. “I'll come back down in a couple minutes and take care of you. But first, I have to take care of your mama.” He said, reaching in the back seat for Lily's U-Shaped pillow, pushed Aika back and closed the door again, before rushing back upstairs.

“Okay, pillow.” Sy said, bursting into the room, only to find Lily curled into a ball and sound asleep, making him chuckling. He situated her pillow and gently unrolled Lily from her ball and slipped her between her pillow, before covering her up.

“Sleep sweet, Angel.” He whispered, kissing her cheek softly, then went back downstairs. “Um, do you know where Ms. Violet is?” He asked the servant that had served him and Lily tea when they had first arrived.

“Yes, she's in the private study, right through there.” She replied, pointing the way.

“Thank you.” He nodded, then went down, gently knocking on the door.

“Enter.”

“Ms. Violet?”

“Ah, Mr. Syverson, I'm trusting the pillow crisis was averted?” She asked, an amused glitter in her eyes.

Sy chuckled. “It was, thank you.”

“Then, what can I help you with?”

“I, uh, brought Lily and I's dog with us...” He said, sheepishly, though Lily's grandmother seemed like a very sweet woman, Sy got the vibe she was the authority in this household and crossing her wasn't the way to go. “She's in my truck and I didn't want to take her out without asking first, so I didn't step on any toes and cause any issues with you and your husband.”

“What kind of dog is she?”

“She's a German Shepherd.” Sy replied, licking his lips. “I found her in the war-zone on my last deployment.” He half explained to her.

Violet blinked several times at Sy. “You were in the military?”

“Yes, ma'am.” He nodded, with a deep sense of pride. “I was a Captain in the U.S Army, Special Forces, for more than ten years.”

“What's the pup's name?”

“Aika.”

“Well, Aika is more than welcome here.” She told him. “As long as she behaves herself.” She added, a soft smile on her face.

“She's a very well behaved dog, you have my word.” Sy replied, smiling back at her.

“Good.” Violet nodded. “Just make sure you keep her out of the orchards or Davis will have a never-ending fit.”

“Will do.”

Excusing himself, Sy went back out to the truck and put Aika on her leash, walking her around the front of the property and away from the orchards, making sure to clean up after her, then brought her inside, taking her upstairs to Lily's room, where she curled up on the bed with Lily, before he decided to do a little exploring himself before lunch.

He wandered into the orchards, seeing the short trunks, but wide crowns, light green and shiny apples weighing down its branches and a couple littered the ground. There easily had to be a hundred trees of the same sort for as far as Sy could see in the area he was in, before he moved on. Sy came to a small dirt lane and crossed it into a totally different portion of the orchard, these trees were still squat and wide, but the apples on their branches were medium sized and mostly two toned, a dull red that faded into a yellow-y green color.

He crossed another dirt road and found another orchard of another kind of apple, this one a light yellow color, when he heard voices and then his name and turned, seeing Lily's grandfather, realizing he had wandered into the south orchard.

“What are you doing out here?” Davis asked, approaching him.

“Just looking around.” Sy replied, keeping his tone guarded. “Lily's told me a lot about the place.”

“And where is she?”

“Back at the house, sleeping.” Sy told him, his shoulders stiff. “She gets tired a lot with the baby.”

“Hm.” Davis huffed and turned on his heels.

“What's your problem?” Sy barked after him, unable to hold his temper any longer. “She just wants her grandfather, the man that raised her, back in her life, in her child's life. Not your money or your business, just your love and affection.”

Davis spun around on his heels to face Sy. “I might have raised her, because my Daisy died, and her father was an unreliable scum, but she's making the same mistake her mother did. I won't be part of that again.”

“I won't be there when it kills her too.” He hissed, then stormed off.

Lily woke up to Sy's angry pacing at the foot of the bed and cursing under his breath, and sat up, rubbing at her eyes. “What's wrong, Bear?” She asked, frowning at him.

“Your grandfather is a pigheaded, son of a bitch.”

Her mouth fell open for a moment, then her brows drew together and her eyes narrowed. “Did the two of you get into an argument?”

“Sorta.” He huffed back.

“For the love of Jesus, Austin.” Lily barked at him, pressing her hands to her face. “Why?”

“I didn't go lookin' for it, Lily.” He retorted, stopping his pacing. “I was just checking out the orchards and ran into him. One thing came to another, I asked him what his problem was, all you want is his love and affection back, not his damned money or his orchard, and his reply was you're making the same mistake your mother made and you'll end up dying because of it too.”

“Which you will fucking not!” He added, a panicked fright breaking through his burst of anger.

“Of course, I'm not going too, Bear.”

Lily sighed, shaking her head and running her hand through her hair, before getting up out of bed. “I'll be more than all right. We have a great doctor and an amazing hospital back home. Plus, I have you to take care of and look after me, the whole time. I'll be perfectly safe and sound.” She told him, hugging her arms around his waist and pressed her cheek to his chest.

“Don't listen to him, Sy. He's just a grumpy old man, set in his ways.”

“What's that make me?” He asked, half jokingly.

“My boyfriend and Papa Bear.” She giggled, tilting her head back to look up at him.

“Good to know, Mama Bear.” He teased back, dipping his head to kiss her. “The fuck was that?” He asked as two loud dinging sounds filled the house.

“That is the lunch bell.” Lily replied, pulling away from him. “One ding is breakfast, two is lunch and three is dinner.” She explained to him, finding her shoes and slipping them back on. “Old Virginian hospitality, Syverson. I know you Texans aren't used to it.”

“Oh, you posh and polished Southerners.” He teased back, following her downstairs. “Give me the ringing of a triangle any day and this cowboy will know the way to the dinner table.”

“Remind me to buy one for our house, then.” Lily giggled, showing him into the family dinning room.

“Buy what for your house?” Violet asked, already seated at one end of the table.

“Oh, Sy was making fun of us for being—what did you call it?” She asked, looking at him as he vigorously shook his head at her. “Ah yes, posh and polished Southerners, for having a meal bell.” You grinned at him, impishly. “While, pointing out the Texas Cowboy in him could only find his way home, if he heard the call of a triangle bell.”

“I said, I would be able to find my way to the table. I know my way home, thank you very much.” He spoke up, his cheeks pink underneath the hairs of his beard.

Both Lily and Violet's laughter filled the dining room, but Sy soon joined them. But, the laughter died down as Davis entered the room, taking his place at the other end of the table, practically sucking the air out of the room as he took his seat.

“How is the south orchard doing?” Violet asked, as lunch was being served.

“One of the original York apple trees is starting to fail for some reason.” Davis replied, picking up the salt shaker. “Mac and I were running through a list of things we can do to save it.” He explained, paying closer attention to his food than to the others at the table with him.

“This looks really good.” Sy commented, licking his lips at his plate.

“It's one of Lily's favorites.” Violet smiled at him. “Creamy Shrimp pasta.”

“I used to try and bribe Clara into making it for every meal once for a whole summer.” Lily chuckled, twirling the angel hair pasta around her fork. “Never worked out.”

“Didn't deter you from trying though.” Violet chuckled, smiling fondly at her granddaughter. “I'm more than sure you'll love what Clara is making you for dinner.”

“I have no doubt.” She smiled back.

“Oh, Mr. Syverson, if you'd like a place to park your truck, I'm sure Davis could show you where the garage is.” Violet said, her eyes on her husband.

“Thank you, Ms. Violet.” Sy replied, smiling at her. “And, please, call me Sy or Austin, whichever you might prefer.” He told her, a bit shyly.

“Austin, it is.” Violet answered, giving him a sweet smile. “But, you can do that for him, can't you?” She said, lifting a brow at her husband, with an expression that dared him to object to her request.

Davis stared at his wife, his hard brown eyes holding Violet's stern blues, before his shoulders dropped slightly. “I'll show you after lunch.”

“Thank you.” Sy replied, stiffly.

Lily rested her hand on Sy's thigh, gently squeezing it, trying to keep him calm and relaxed. “How have the orchards been?” Lily asked her grandfather, trying to open any sort of connection with him. “I know picking season is coming up soon in the next few months.” She pointed out, gathering up a forkful of her shrimp pasta.

There was a long silence at the table, each second made Lily's heart clench tighter, fearing her grandfather would just continue to ignore her and pretend she didn't exist. She didn't know how much more of his coldness she could take, before it became too much to bear and she would just want to leave again.

No matter how much it would hurt.

“Other than the York tree showing signs of white rot, the orchards are as productive and fruitful as ever.” He finally spoke.

“What happens if you don't cure the white rot?” Lily frowned, concerned for the tree.

“We lose the tree.” Davis sighed, resting back in his chair and tossing his napkin onto the table beside his plate. “It'll only be the third originally planted tree on the farm we've ever lost. Well, with any luck the rot won't spread and it won't hit us too hard.” He explained, looking at her.

“Just because you lost one, don't mean you'll lose more.” Lily replied, holding his gaze.

Davis dropped his eyes and nodded his head, sighing, then looked up at Sy, noticing his empty plate. “You done?”

“I am.” Sy nodded, wiping his mouth.

“Come on, and I'll show you where the garage is and you can park your truck.” He said, standing up, leaving his half eaten lunch on the table.

“I'll be right back.” Sy whispered to Lily, kissing her cheek and stood, following her grandfather out of the house.

The walk from the house was silent as they stepped off the paved driveway and onto a pea gravel lane that led a little ways away from the house, through a small grove of very ancient looking weeping willows to a large building with several vehicles parked outside of it.

“You can park it here.” Davis said, motioning to the area in front of them.

“Thanks.” Sy nodded to him, then turned back to get his truck.

Bringing his truck around and finding a place to park it, Sy got out and and grabbed their duffel bag out of the back and locked up, heading back up to the house; when Davis stopped in his tracks, noticing the duffel bag slung over his shoulder; the worn military green and the faded, black U.S letters.

“Something the matter?” Sy frowned, turning back to him.

“That's a military bag.” Davis replied.

“Yes, it is.” He nodded, shifting it on his shoulder and tilting his head at the other man.

“It's yours?”

Sy's shoulders slumped and he stared at the old man. “I served more than ten years in the U.S Army as a Captain in the Special Forces.” He explained to him. “I retired almost a year ago.”

“How did you and Lily meet?”

“As I said, I retired almost a year ago and I returned home to Austin, Texas.” Sy replied, sighing. “Even though I could live quite well on my retirement, I don't like not having a job or being idle. So, I went about applying for jobs, mostly jobs I could do with my hands, construction jobs and such. A construction company told me about a contract that they had gotten from a young lady, who needed help fixing her place up in Celina, which is about three hours south of Austin. I called about it and got the job. I'm sure you guessed, it was Lily.” He smirked, chuckling to himself.

“I started fixing the place up for her and we grew close, especially after we helped each other through a few traumatic things.”

“Like, what?”

“I have pretty severe PTSD from my time in deployment and Lily's gotten me through more than one episode.” Sy smirked, blushing slightly and toeing the ground with the tip of his boot. “She's the guiding light to holding them back.” He whispered softly. “As for her, she's been through a lot in the last five years, especially the fear and turmoil caused by Jak.” He said. “There's nothing on this planet, there hasn't been anything on this planet, I wouldn't do to ensure her happiness and safety.”

Sy looked Davis dead in the eyes, a deep seriousness coming over him, even though he had a knot in his stomach. “Listen, your granddaughter isn't a little girl anymore. She's a grown woman, and a beautiful, loving and intelligent one, at that. She's so incredibly caring for the people around her, even when she's been so hurt and her trust in people has been cut deeply. Her work ethic is admirable, she built a company from the reclusion of her own home, that she hadn't left in more than three years, and it is thriving. She's even currently in the process of interviewing people to fill two positions, because she has so many clients, that she's in need of the extra help.”

“You're projecting the fear of your daughter’s mistakes and death on Lily and it isn't fair to her, or to you and your wife.”

“My Daisy Mae's misfortunes aren't the only failures that have me disappointed in the situation.” Davis said, rolling his jaw at Sy.

Sy huffed at him, biting his lip and nodding his head at him. “You think I'd be some, what was it, unreliable scum, like her father?” He asked, lifting a brow at him.

Davis sighed back at him, scrubbing a palm over his wrinkled forehead and lifted a brow at him. “Come with me.” He said, motioning him back towards the house.

Pressing his lips together, Sy followed him back up to the house and into Davis's private study, setting the duffel bag down by the door as Davis closed it behind him. Davis motioned to a leather and mahogany upholstered chair in front of a cold fireplace, then moved over to a small table of bottles and glasses, pouring them both a drink. He handed Sy a glass and took the seat across from him, taking a long sip.

“Smooth stuff.” Sy commented, licking his lips and admiring the rich, amber liquid.

“Maker's Mark, Kentucky bourbon whiskey.” Davis replied, smirking at his glass, appreciatively.

“Anyhow.” He cleared his throat, balancing his glass on the arm of his chair. “Palmer Hughes. He came to work here in the summer of 1985, he was twenty years old and Daisy was eighteen. I knew the boy was trouble the moment I set eyes on him and knew I should have sent him picking.”

“But, for whatever reason, and against my better judgment, I didn't.”

“He took an instant liking to our Daisy, who was ordinarily a good mannered, well behaved and proper girl. But, as soon as he set his eyes on her, he started corrupting her. He would stop coming to work in the fields to sneak himself and her off the property and go into town or wherever it was they would go to. Daisy started to become more defiant and rebellious. One of our church elders even spotted her and Palmer with a group of their lowlife friends in a questionable area of town, getting high, smoking and drinking.”

“It was such an embarrassment.” He sighed, taking a deep gulp of his drink. “When Daisy was twenty-one, she came to her mother and I and told us she was pregnant. Palmer had split the moment he found out about it. But, I tracked his no good ass down and dragged him back. He and Daisy got married just before Lily was born.”

“What happened?” Sy asked, frowning at him, the burn of the alcohol melting through the knot in his stomach as he thought about it. “How did her mother die?”

“She developed a hemorrhage that the doctor's couldn't get under control, so she ended up bleeding to death.” Davis explained, growing pale at the memory of the doctor's telling him and his wife the news of their daughter’s death, their only child. “For his part, Palmer did seem distraught over her death. But, he blamed Lily for it. So, he spent the rest of her life coming in and out of it, before Violet and I finally just adopted her and permanently took care of her.”

“It was Violet and I that ended up naming Lily, as well. Daisy hadn't picked one, that we were aware of, and Palmer wasn't being cooperative with anyone, us or the hospital staff.”

“Where is her father now?”

Davis sighed and carefully regarded Sy for a long moment, before replying. “He died, some years ago.”

Sy blinked at him, shocked. “You never told Lily this.”

“No.” He shook his head, guilty. “Vi and I thought it would be best that we didn't.”

“That's not really for either of you to decide.” Sy frowned at him, annoyed. “Lily deserves the truth.”

“I know she does.” Davis agreed. “I'll tell her, one day. As for you, Austin.” He met Sy's eyes. “I've unjustly projected my prejudices of Palmer onto you. You are, not even an ounce, the man he was. You are a man I wish my own daughter would have met and fallen in love with. But, I am glad my granddaughter met, fallen in love with and is having my great-grandbaby with you.”

“Thank you.” Sy answered, taking his compliment and finished off his drink.

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takemyopenheart · 3 years ago

Text

Reunion (Waiting series - part 3 of 3)

summary: Ethan can’t run anymore. It’s time he confronts his fears. But will he be strong enough? (Book 2, chapter 1 rewrite)

62 days.

That’s how long it’s been since he’s seen her, heard her, or spoken to her. Yet he can still feel her electrifying presence, as if she were only mere inches away. He still sees the sparkle in her dark eyes, the way her lips curve into a sheepish smile whenever they meet his. The gaze doesn’t break, until he runs his hand over his perspiring face, and the vision fades yet again.

He ignores the hammering in his chest, like he’s been doing so for the past few hours, and he forces his feet to carry him out the door. The loud slam echoes down the hall, making him wince for a moment before he attempts to pull himself together.

His mind has been on nothing but the fact that for the first time in two months, Luz will be working with him closer than ever. It’s a fact he’s known since before he left for the Amazon, but he willed himself to push the thought away, thinking this escape away from her would be sufficient distance and time for him to finally be able to move forward.

What a fool he was.

The flashes of memories and visions have sequestered his mind. And there’s only one thing he’s found the courage to do: attempt to drown them away at Donahue’s.

Little does he realize, he’s leading himself right to her.

•

The country blues song emanates from the jukebox as he weaves his way through the throng of rowdy drunken patrons. The smell of alcohol, cheap cologne, and sweat permeates throughout the more crowded than usual bar. He squeezes past, thinking of nothing else but getting his drink so that he can finally be at peace.

The peace won’t come because as soon as he steps foot in the beer garden, a laugh so familiar causes him to freeze in his tracks and the thumping rhythm in his heart to return.

He remains frozen, everything but that joyful sound fades away. It’s all he can hear, it’s so loud he can feel the vibration of it on every inch of his body. He indulges in it for only a short moment before someone’s shoulder brushes his walking past, and everything comes into focus again.

"I’m so proud of us for making it this far. Together."

He can hear the smile in her voice. She’s happy. Happy without him. And he doesn’t know whether to rejoice in this or be displeased. His own selfishness leans toward the latter, but rushing guilt pulls him out of the bind, and he finally begins to move.

His head stays down as he mentally counts every step he takes, anything to keep his mind off of how much he’s missed that laugh. The fear that he’ll succumb to it is so powerful that he’s sure he’ll turn right around and run again.

No more running.

Her voice becomes louder. It’s too hypnotizing for anything to overpower it. It’s something he must learn to live with. Starting now.

He lifts his head, and their eyes meet. He’s hit with the spark that makes time seem to slow, and all he’s left with is the tingling sensation washing over every part of his body like a wave.

He wonders if she feels it, too.

"... Rookie."

Her voice is stolen from her at that moment. He looks different. But she’s immediately pulled in by those familiar ocean-blue eyes, and the comfort of them lets her know he’s still her Ethan.

No. Not anymore. He never was.

She recovers from the trance, squaring her shoulders. "Hello, Dr. Ramsey."

His eyes stay trained on hers, an unreadable expression crosses his features in a flash, as if the professionalism in her tone catches him off guard, but he quickly covers it with his stoic mask.

He nods curtly, not looking away. There’s a stretch of silence as they think of what else to say. Ironic, considering all the time they’ve had to bottle up everything inside. But they quickly realize that’s where it’ll have to remain.

He pulls his gaze away toward everyone else seated at the table. "Doctors, enjoy your night," he finally says, and with one final awkward nod, he walks away.

She sits silently watching his retreating form, until a hand on her arm pulls her out of the trance. She looks up to find Sienna staring back at her with a slight frown.

"Are you okay?" she whispers so the others won’t hear. Though by this point, they’ve resumed their conversation.

"I don’t know," she answers truthfully. She had prepared herself for this moment, but finally being in his presence has awoken the yearning she hoped would fade away.

Or maybe it never did.

She huffs out in frustration and gets to her feet. "Sorry, Sienna, I’ll be right back." She grabs her purse and makes to leave.

"Is there anything I can do?"

She softly smiles at her. "No, thanks. I just need a minute." She steps away, heading toward the bathroom. She can’t fully breathe, and she knows damn well it’s not from the cheap cologne hitting her nose as she passes through the crowd.

Ethan’s seated at the main bar keeping a fixed gaze at the wall in front of him, doing everything in his power to not look over his shoulder. The feeling of her eyes on his back as he walked away had become too much. Those beautiful eyes have watched him go far too many times by now.

He takes another long swig as his anger builds. An anger at no one but himself. He’s sick of the uncertainty. He can’t let it hold him prisoner any longer. If they’re going to work together, he has to confront and face what he’s been trying to avoid. She’s here, so he might as well get this over with. The last thing he wants is unresolved tension while working together; it’s better to let it all out.

Another pang of fear hits him that she won’t want to speak to him. That she’s shut herself off from him completely. There’s only one way to find out...

Her laugh rings in his ears again, so clear and captivating. He takes a deep breath and wills himself to turn around. He expects to see her smiling face, maybe even staring back at him—just maybe. But when he finally whirls around, she isn’t there. His eyes search the beer garden but finds no sign of her. The other residents remain seated at the table, and some part of him hopes she hasn’t left.

And then the thought occurs to him that he’s the reason for her leaving. That had to be it. She couldn’t stand to be in the same room with him. He heard it in her tone when she greeted him, which has still left a sour taste in his mouth. A part of him can’t bear her not saying his name the way she used to.

She’s left, and now he’ll have to delay their conversation for another day. If they ever have it in the first place, that is. He downs the last of his scotch and heads for the exit. He just wants to sleep the headache away and maybe not dream of her tonight.

He says his goodbye to Reggie and leaves through the front door. When he finally steps out he breathes in the much cleaner air, glad to be away from the fetid odor inside. It’s time to head home; his bed is calling his name. He turns the corner, only to come face to face with her.

She leans back against the wall with her arms crossed over her chest. Her eyes are closed, and he sees her chest rise and fall with every breath she takes. The light from the streetlamp spills over her like a spotlight. Everything he’s ever wanted stands right in front of him, though he doesn’t dare admit that to himself.

She doesn’t notice him until she hears a pair of footsteps. Of course they’d belong to the man who currently occupied her mind.

She holds her breath as he stands before her. His shoulders immediately almost go to his ears, and his hands are shoved deep inside his pockets. She gives him a once-over. Quickly taking notice of his new wardrobe for the first time that night. He’s traded in the cardigan for a faux leather green jacket, and his slacks and khakis for jeans. It’s a much more casual look for the reserved man, though his current stiff posture does nothing to reflect that.

They remain unmoving. The air suddenly feels heavy with every unspoken word. Words they’ve been holding back, and now feels like the time everything will finally be poured out.

"Ethan..." she whispers his name, quieter than she meant to.

He watches her lips move as they utter his name, and suddenly, his heart leaps in his throat, but he quickly composes himself and straightens his spine.

He clears his throat. "Rook—er, Luz. Sorry. Force of habit." He grimaces at the minor slip up, hoping she won’t notice. "How are you?"

She manages a smile, refusing to let this unexpected reunion affect her. "Good. How about you? You look,"— she throws a nod toward his new look — "different. Looks like we got ourselves a brand new Ethan Ramsey."

He looks down, the flood of memories of all he went through in the Amazon come rushing back. "This jacket’s been through a lot with me."

"It suits you."

He steps closer, relaxed by the sudden casualness of the conversation. His heart leaps in his chest with just one glance in her direction. How was he ever going to focus in front of her? "Duly noted. And the beard?" Her opinion matters much more to him than he’d like to admit. Dangerous territory, Ramsey.

She considers the question, letting her eyes travel across his jawline that is now covered under heavy stubble. It certainly doesn’t diminish his good looks, though she can’t help but miss the 5 o’clock shadow that showed off his sharp jawline.

"Everyone will miss your famous jawline."

His eyes widen, taken aback. "My famous what?"

"As if you didn’t know." She gives him a teasing smile.

He smiles back, not noticing he’s come to stand right next to her. "Why are you out here?"

She panics for a moment. She certainly isn’t about to admit the reason she bolted out of the beer garden as soon as he showed up. But she can admit the half-truth. "Oh. I just needed a breather. It was getting stuffy in there while I was waiting in line for the bathroom."

She averts his gaze. A tell-tale sign she’s being evasive. The realization that he can read her with just one glance makes him go rigid once again. He quickly dismisses the thought.

"Were you just leaving?" she asks, resting her head against the wall.

He looks over his shoulder, where a couple come stumbling out hand in hand and into their awaiting ride. It makes him remember the time he and Luz stepped out of those doors together, heading back to her place. The last time he ever had her...

He turns back around, though not facing her. "I was. It was too crowded in there. And besides, we have a full day of work ahead of us tomorrow." He meets her eyes this time. "Ready to begin your fellowship?"

A look of pride crosses her features at the thought of achieving all she ever dreamed of. She’d worked so hard for this position, and she deserved it due to her hard work and dedication.

"I am. It’s a position I’ve been waiting for."

He takes in her enthusiasm, making him smile down at her. But the smiles begin to subside when the reality hits that the dynamic will be back to the way it was once again. He’ll be her boss. The main reason for their distance.

She feels the literal distance yet again when he takes a step back. The uncertainty, and something akin to fear, etched on his face.

She won’t bite her tongue any longer. There’s one question that’s been plaguing her for weeks and weeks. She’s prepared for whatever answer he may give. Or rather, she hopes she’s prepared for it.

"I heard about the work you did in the Amazon. That was certainly extremely brave."

His body goes rigid at the mere mention of the word. If only she knew. He grows somber, which she immediately notices but lets him speak.

"That wasn’t bravery." I ran and didn’t bother to look back. The truth is at the tip of his tongue. The truth that he was nothing but a coward. The coward who decided that running was the only plausible solution because of what he felt for the only woman he gave a damn about. A woman he cares so much about that he won’t fail her. And that is why he’ll put that barrier between them if it means she’ll become the best doctor. A doctor better than him, even. It doesn’t make him feel selfless, it’s downright excruciating to be so near yet so far.

There’s a silent understanding in those words. The anger and hurt she’d buried deep is slowly being unearthed. She can read the guilt and fear in his eyes, even though he’s doing everything in his power to keep her from seeing it. He keeps his head down, unwilling to expose his true self to her.

She wants to tear down the walls he’s painstakingly put up again. She wants her Ethan back. Yes, that’s right. She doesn’t debate it anymore. Her Ethan is underneath that austere exterior everyone knows. Only she was able to break through it all.

He hears her lean away from the wall, her former relaxed state becomes tense, but her arms remain crossed over her chest, tighter around her than before. The crease between her brows deepens. He already senses the question that’s coming.

"Why didn’t you keep in touch? No word from you at all for two months? After everything that happened between us?"

The pain in her eyes is too much to bear. And he only has himself to blame. He’s made her suffer in silence. Two months that seemed to stretch on for eternity. Two whole months that were never enough to erase the memory of her. But enough time to prepare him for what he’s about to say and help her understand why.

"Everything that happened between us is exactly why I didn’t contact you. Luz, if we’re going to work together on the diagnostics team, we need a fresh start. Your professional development is too important to jeopardize it with whatever... whatever it is we had."

There it is. It’s what they had that made her so happy. She knew it made him happy too, but he made the decision to run from those feelings. Feelings she knows are still there. She feels it in the way he speaks. She hears it in the way he breathes. And she sees it every time their eyes meet.

"Had... past tense..."

"Yes. And the past is where it has to remain." He swallows the lump in his throat.

She looks up to find him standing only a few inches away from her, his eyes silently pleading for her to understand. They’re pained, the soft azure eyes are silently communicating the secrets buried beneath. She’s sure her eyes are conveying the same thing. She only breaks the gaze to stare at his tempting lips. The lips she once knew. The lips she’s missed the taste of. Without thinking twice, she leans forward, standing on the tips of her toes to reach him, and connects her lips to his.

For a moment he believes this is another dream. But the reality of the moment sinks in. He’s glued to the spot, not daring to move an inch, otherwise he knows he’ll give in and lose control. It’s the safest he’s felt in two months. Her lips are familiar, so familiar that he wants nothing more than to wrap his arms around her, but he keeps them at his sides with clenched fists. But he doesn’t want to pull back, he isn’t strong enough to break the kiss. They’re like magnets, drawn together and unwilling to part.

Finally, she leans back. But the spell doesn’t break. They catch their breath, unwilling to shake off the overpowering moment. Her face is mere inches away. He’s pulled in by those dark eyes, but there’s an internal struggle with himself. The secret wish to not be strong enough to resist the temptation wrestles with the steadfast decisions he’s made.

"Dammit, Luz..." he utters in a hushed whisper.

"If you don’t want to kiss me again, then just tell me—" Please don’t.

"It has nothing to do with ‘want’. I can’t. And if I give a damn about you, I won’t. How am I supposed to push you to be everything you can be if I..." He stops himself; the word lingers in his mind. The word that would change everything. The sole word he must remain locked and hidden away.

He sounds like a broken record. "If you what?" She just wants to see the word slip from his lips. But that won’t ever happen. It’ll remain with him, hidden beneath the pile of his other secrets.

He bites the corner of his lip to keep himself from destroying his resolve. He’s unable to tear his gaze away. He wants to drown himself in those eyes for one last time.

There was a tenderness in those eyes for a fleeting moment before he finally broke the spell and turned away. She blinks away the tears prickling her eyes. He’s made his choice.

"Okay. I get it. I’ll see you tomorrow, Dr. Ramsey."

As she walks past him, it takes everything in him to not reach for her hand.

"Goodnight, Dr. Beltran."

He’s not sure she heard him. He watches her continue walking before she steps back inside the bar. He’s alone, yet he feels some part of her remains with him.

•

@openheartfanfics

#ethan ramsey #open heart #ethan x Luz #old fic from deleted blog #ethan ramsey fanfiction

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crystalsmentalhealth · 3 years ago

Text

Talking about the Brattleboro Retreat in Brattleboro, Vermont

I recently spent two weeks at the Retreat and wanted to share my experiences both good and bad about it.

I arrived at the Retreat in mid-June of 2021 after a four day stay at the Emergency Department of my local hospital. Originally I had not wanted to go to the Brattleboro Retreat because it was such a big campus and I equated that with busy and loud and impersonal. The Retreat would challenge my assumptions.

Getting There

I didn’t drive myself. As I said I spent four days in the ED of my local hospital and so I arrived via ambulance. The ride was stressful and nauseating. I was already stressed and nervous and the mountainous winding roads did absolutely nothing to help. I didn’t lay in the stretcher, but sat in a back-facing seat with no arm rests and with a blood pressure cuff around my left arm.

The trip took about an hour and except for a few questions from the person riding in the back with me, it was spent in nearly complete silence, which again, did nothing to help my nerves. There was no reassurance or even light conversation.

My Arrival

When we got there, they grabbed my bags for me, probably because I wasn’t allowed to have them yet, and with one person before me and one person behind me, lead me up the stairs to the admissions office. We were met at the door by an admissions person and I was dropped off like an Amazon package. The ambulance personnel left and I was officially at the Retreat.

I was first led to Security. They dropped off my bags with Security, and asked me to empty my pockets. I had none and told them such. Then I was led to an exam room where the woman who was with me found a gown that would fit me and held it up in front of her. I was then told to strip completely. I balked, but obeyed. First went my shirt, then my bra, then I stepped into the gown. Then with that covering me, I wiggled out of my pants and underwear. She gave me a pair of hospital pants to put on so I wasn’t completely bare. Then I was shown a chair and given a pair of huge grippy socks to wear. One size fits all, I guess.

After that the lady took my blood pressure, my pulse, and checked my oxygen levels. Then she took my temperature. My clothes and shoes were sent to Security with the rest of my things. I had off-brand crocs as shoes so I had no idea what they needed to check for, but off they went.

After the clothing change I was led to an office. I felt so awkward standing in a grey hospital gown, blue hospital pants, no panties, and those huge grippy socks, in front of two nicely dressed office personnel. They let me have a seat and the questions and paperwork began.

What was my insurance? Did I know about the extra inpatient days allowed? Who was my primary care physician? My therapist? My psychiatrist? My case worker? Did I have an Advanced Directive? What are the addresses? Did I want a male or female provider? There were so many questions!

Then it was sign here, and here, and here, and here, and here.

After that I was given a green folder that said Welcome to Tyler 2 which contained various information that I would need during my time there. My patient Bill of Rights, how to file a complaint or grievance. That sort of stuff.

Then it was off to another area and now they wanted a urine sample. I had already done two at the hospital and really didn’t need to pee, but I tried. I assume it was for a drug test, but I have no real clue.

Then I was sent off to another exam room, this time for a full physical. She asked me all about my medical history, whether I was having normal bowel movements or not, all about my diabetes, my family history (cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer, heart disease, cancer, kidney failure, cancer), she even checked my reflexes. The ARNP that examined me had the neatest notebook. It was electronic and I was fascinated by it.

(At the time of writing this I’ve only been home for two full days and I still have a very clingy cat who is currently laying on my left hand so if you catch a typo that kitty has caused me, please let me know.)

After the physical I was given one outfit to wear back, sans bra because my bra was underwire, and I was sent to a seat to wait to be sent to the unit.

The lady who watched over me offered me something to drink while I waited and when she offered milk I took her up on it. Unfortunately it was 1% milk, which I really hate, but hey, milk, so I drank it while I waited.

I didn’t have to wait long. Before long a Security guard and a nurse from the unit I would go to came down and led me down one corridor, in one elevator, through a cafeteria, up another elevator, and finally I was on the unit.

Tyler 2

The first thing I noticed when I got on the unit was that the bedrooms were singles. Yes! I hate sharing my bedroom in hospitals. At the worst, I’d once had to share with three other people stuffed into a two person bedroom. Two poor souls had had to sleep on cots. So I was very happy to see that I would have my own room.

I was shown into an interview room for yet even more paperwork and questions. All this is the business of the psychiatric hospital and it comes at the literal worst time of your stay, the beginning. When you’re scared and your nerves are raw, and your mental health is at it’s worst.

A three question questionnaire was first. Why are you here? How can we help? What are your coping skills? Depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation. I don’t know. Reading and journaling.

Then there was a check list of things that helped when I was feeling bad. I was fascinated to see that laying down in my room was one of the options. Most hospitals I had been in forbade that, with some going so far as to lock the doors to the bedrooms during the day so people didn’t sleep the day away. It was a pleasant surprise, and I checked that off along with a few others that I felt applied.

Then, the nurse, and we’ll just call her Rose, asked me if I was hungry and told me that they always had sandwiches on the unit and that the kitchen which held milk, orange juice, flavored water, cold water, hot water, coffee, teas, and various snacks was open 24/7. I declined both sandwich and snack.

Finally, I was left alone for a couple of minutes and I had a moment to just breathe. It was a Thursday according to the giant whiteboard that had the day’s schedule on it. Most of the groups were over with.

A little bit later a bag was brought up with my clothes and another with the few things I was allowed to have: my Bible; two coloring books; two books (A Street Cat Named Bob and A Wrinkle in Time); my toothbrush, my hair brush, and my composition notebook; were given to me. The clothes I wasn’t given yet. I was told by a nurse that because of COVID they washed everything that came on the unit whether it was clean or not and I would get my clothes once they were dry.

I was then shown my room. Number 219 was to be my home for the foreseeable future. It was a fair sized room, the walls painted hospital blue, the floor had boring brown patterned tiles, There was a plastic chair, a twin size bed with a single pillow, and brown blanket, and bottom sheet. There was no flat sheet.

There was a set of built in shelves and a small alcove with an unbreakable mirror and large shelf where I put my green folder as well as my other personal belongings that I was permitted to have. I hung around in there for a few minutes before wandering back out and awkwardly looked around.

It was soon 8:30pm and Rose, who was my nurse that night, offered me my bedtime medications. I accepted and went to bed.

The Schedule

I slept fitfully that night. I was scared, they checked on me every 15 minutes, and it wasn’t quite dark when I went to bed. I woke up obscenely early the next morning, which is very unusual for me, but I attribute it to the uncomfortable mattress, the lack of my comfort item; a stuffed cat named Fat Cat that I sleep with, and the fact that my room had a double window that faced directly East. The sun rises at about 4:45am right now, so it woke me up at around 5:30am that morning.

I wandered out, thinking it was much later than it actually was, since it was fully light out. I sleepily blinked at the analog clock and tried to decipher it. Inwardly I groaned at the time. To kill time, I awkwardly wandered around the unit again, and I think I laid back down for a little while.

Eventually I left my room again and it was 7:30am. Shift change. I can’t remember who my nurse was that morning, but by 8am it had become quite the busy place with the morning nurses, the mental health workers, the social workers, and the group leaders milling about the nurses station.

I noticed that the whiteboard had changed with the day, and so I glanced at the Friday schedule.

8am - Breakfast 9am - Community Meeting 10am - OT Movement 11am - Psychotherapy 12pm - Lunch 1pm - Courtyard (yellow level) 2pm - OT Activities 3:30pm Shift Change 4pm - Courtyard (yellow level) 5pm - Supper 6:15pm - Game room/small courtyard (yellow level) 7pm - Wrap Up 8pm - Free Time 9pm - Relaxation 10pm - Phones/computer/TV off

Yes, we had a computer. Some guy we’ll just call J tended to hog it, but so long as it wasn’t group, before morning shift change or after 10pm or 11pm on Friday night and Saturday night, anybody could use it. Of course Facebook and YouTube were blocked, but Vimeo wasn’t. Can somebody please tell me the difference between YouTube and Vimeo?

I didn’t really go to groups that first day, and I was on Red level, so I wasn’t allowed outside even if I had wanted to. I did however see the Social Worker, a very nice woman we’ll just call M. and my doctor via ZOOM, Dr. L.

All of the staff was really nice to me, and the unit, which at that point had a census of 19, was actually fairly quiet for the most part.

When 8am hit, and the breakfast trays arrived, I asked where I should go to eat. I was told I could eat on the porch, the day room, or in my room. Eating in peace alone in my room. Yes, please. I took my tray, got a carton of milk, and walked down the hall to my room.

When I pulled the lid off my plate, I discovered eggs, home fries, and a corn muffin. I also had some fruit. I cautiously tried the potatoes and found them to be quite good, but couldn’t eat anything else so I took my tray back.

I hovered awkwardly around the schedule board until somebody brought me a chair.

Then it happened. My stomach began churning. I went to the nurses station and told one of the three nurses that I had a bit of an upset stomach and could I have something for it? She looked up something and told me I could have some Tums. She sent me to the med window and used some fancy machine to dispense the Tums. I stuck them in my mouth and chewed. I swallowed. It was then that I knew I had made a mistake. I literally felt the Tums hit my stomach, felt my stomach cramp, and then I was vomiting.

After that experience and the cleaning up thereof, I got my morning meds at around 9am, and soon found myself back in the interview room, this time with a nutritionist. At least I think that was Friday. It could have been Monday. Regardless, I talked to her about being sick (it wasn’t the first time, I had gotten sick back in the ED as well), my lack of appetite, my diabetes, the medication for diabetes I was on (2000mg of Metformin and .5mg of Ozempic). She gave me some information the nutritionist I had talked to from my doctor’s office had already given me, then ordered Glucerna for me three times per day.

Glucerna is the diabetics version of Ensure for those of you who don’t know.

I slept a lot that day, and I’m pretty sure I refused lunch and maybe supper. They checked on me - and everybody else - every 15 minutes, but otherwise didn’t pester me.

The next day, of course, started the weekend. I can’t remember the exact schedule for the weekend, but it was far, far more boring than then weekday. There was just Community Meeting which I wandered into but didn’t participate in, a couple more courtyard opportunities than on the weekdays, more free time, Wrap Up and Relaxation. Relaxation happened at 9pm, but I already considered that bedtime as that was when I got my bedtime medication.

Sunday was just a repeat of Saturday with one bright exception. Sunday Sundaes. At around 2pm we got ice cream with sundae toppings that we could have on it. I don’t think I got it that first Sunday, but I can’t quite remember.

Monday doesn’t bring any particular memories except that that’s when I started attending a group here and there.

Meeting Nathan

Then Tuesday came, and I met Nathan. Nathan was a Psych intern who is now no longer there, so I’m not afraid of using his name. Nathan did 11am Psychotherapy, but had been on vacation the week before as well as Monday. I liked him instantly. He spoke quietly, thoughtfully, gently, and never pressed for answers if the person didn’t want to or couldn’t.

At first, we only spoke in group, but after one group disintegrated into chaos he ended it early and offered to speak to me one-on-one. The one-on-one time I got with Nathan, which eventually became every weekday, became the best, most helpful part of my stay at the Retreat. Some of his questions were hard. They were either highly thought provoking or brought on strong emotions, but he was very skilled in not pushing too hard and always bringing me back to the present if I got too lost in the past.

I think I opened up more to Nathan in the week and a half that we spoke than I ever did in the two years I’ve seen my normal therapist.

The Nightmares

I’ve suffered from nightmares for a very long time. In my nightmares I’ve been raped, had my home invaded, seen demons, had my parents stolen away by a dragon (that one happened twice. Same stupid dragon too.), been kidnapped, been chased around Wal-Mart by paramedics with a stretcher, and so on and so forth. The nightmares I suffered at the Retreat were something else entirely.

The dream I remember most, and let me list off some trigger warnings real quick: blood; abortion; abuse; infant death; decomposition; bad parenting; bad medical professionals, was about this young woman who tried to do some sort of home abortion that got botched. She went to the hospital and they sent her strait to surgery where they cut her open with no painkillers or anesthesia. The baby was tiny, but healthy and viable, so they took her out of the young woman’s womb, and haphazardly stapled the woman’s abdomen back together.

Then the dream began to focus on the baby, but not in linear time, but rather in snapshots. In the first snapshots the baby was fine. Pink, perfect, beautiful little girl dressed in frills. Then the next day’s photographs and the baby’s face was turning black in places. The next; her eyes turned murky and there was more decomposition. Mind you, while she’s decomposing, she’s still alive. Then her little fingers turn black and fall off, and it continues like this until the fifth day when the baby finally dies.

The mother, who was recovering from her own trauma, couldn’t have cared less about her baby.

The nightmare turned weird after that and I don’t remember what happened next, but I continued to have vicious nightmares during my stay there.

Dr. L tried to treat them with Prazosin. but I found that it made my nightmares more vivid. Then she tried to get me in a deeper sleep so the dreams wouldn’t wake me up, but that only got me caught in the nightmares and unable to wake up.

We never did figure out how to ease the nightmares and keep me asleep at the same time. Right now we’re trying a higher dose of Gabapentin, also known as Neurontin. I guess we’ll see how it works out.

Strange Characters

There were some...interesting characters at the Retreat. There was one guy who we’ll call J. You may recall him from my complaints about him being a computer hog. He suffered from delusions of grandeur and I believe psychosis. One time I was in the open area near the nurses station he began staring at me suspiciously. Then, after a couple of very awkward moments he asks me, “are you an Imperial or a Rebel?” I told him I had no idea what he was referring to. Miss J who was sitting near by goes, “she’s an imperial, she’s a good girl.” Then J nods and says “I know she’s my sister in Christ, so she must be good.”

I still have no idea what he meant by Imperial or Rebel. Is it a Star Wars thing? If so I thought the Rebels were the good guys. I’m so confused.

Miss J was a homeless woman who had been there for nearly nine weeks. She was very nice to me, but she mumbled a lot and I had to keep asking her to repeat herself.

M was a strange old lady. She would sit at the nurses station and laugh and laugh and laugh as loudly as she could, then all of the sudden she’d be declaring one of the housekeepers an angel on earth and how he should be protected and how everybody else was basically garbage. She eventually got taken out via ambulance.

A was another strange woman. Having been there since May 27th, 2021, she was there involuntary, She talked to herself a lot, drank loads of coffee, walked in and out of groups, and was best buddies with a woman who liked to be called Rabbit, as her real name, the same name as A, triggered her. A and Rabbit were thick as thieves and fed off of each other’s chaos.

Rabbit liked to sing at the top of her lungs when she was happy and when she was angry she would file a grievance, announce loudly that Obama was her father and that you (the nurse she was screaming at) aren’t her boss. She was nice enough to me, but I went out of my way to be as non-intrusive as possible.

Then there was D. D was 30-years-old, claimed to have 12 children. D was volatile, a substance abuser who enjoyed “a drink, some weed, and some coke”. Pretty sure she didn’t mean the soda. D had a shadow who had to write down what she was doing every five minutes. I don’t know exactly why, for the most part, volatile or not, she was pretty chill. She dressed provocatively and the first time she spoke to me it was early morning and we were on the porch.

She asked me why I was there. I told her depression. She asks my why I was depressed. I admitted that there was a lot of trauma in my past. She tells me she’s been (tw:rape) raped all her life, and then proceeded to tell me that I shouldn’t be depressed because I was pretty and thin. Now. I’m smaller than D was, because I’ve never had children, let alone 12 of them, but I’m 5′3″ and 210 pounds; thin is not an adjective I would use to describe me.

She then proceeds to tell me that I needed a better bra. I was wearing a soft low support sports bra, so yeah, my chest area was very un interesting. I told her I was just wearing something I could sleep comfortably in. She told me to shop at Victoria’s Secret for some better bras and I’d feel great.

After that, D decides to mention the gray in my hair. She says “you should get extensions to make your hair long and pretty, or better yet, shave your head and wear wigs. It’s what the black girls do.” She then went on about how wigs could really look good and how I’d have so much fun with it that I’d forget all about being depressed and how there were some sites where you could buy some good wigs for really cheap.

As I recall, I was fairly unresponsive during her spiel and walked away as soon as it wasn’t rude to.

The Really Bad Day

I don’t recall exactly what day it was, time blurs for me on a good day, and I wasn’t having any good days while I was at the Retreat, but one day was really bad.

TW: Suicide TW: Self-Harm

I was really, really suicidal, and I told the nurse I was talking to that. She asked if I had a plan, and for the first time I really did. I told her I would wait until right after a check - remember we got checked on every 15 minutes - then I would take a pair of my pants and wrap them around my neck and strangle myself.

Then she asked if I intended to follow through with the plan. I wanted to, I really did, but I also didn’t want to cause trouble, and that’s a huge issue with me, so I told her no. And that was the truth. I was suicidal, I did have a plan. I had a detailed plan actually. But I didn’t really intend of following through.

As you might expect, she had to report that to my doctor. Dr. L. spoke to me about how I was feeling and later, about five minutes after I had gotten on the computer to use Duolingo to distract myself, (See, I was using coping skills.), the nurse I had spoken to, and who I liked quite a lot, came to me and said that Dr. L wanted them to temporarily confiscate my clothes and take the sheet and blanket off my bed. It was to be replaced by blankets that couldn’t be ripped. Nurse E told me it wasn’t a punishment, it was a safety precaution, but I was so embarrassed and felt punished. I was allowed to keep the weighted blanket they had let me borrow, and my pillow, but other than that they took every bit of fabric in the room.

I don’t know if it was a good move or not. I just know that I wanted things back to ‘normal’, as though anything in a psych hospital could be normal, but the next day I lied to Dr. Lambert and told her I was feeling better. She said I could have my stuff back, but for some reason when I asked a nurse later on, she told me that there were no orders about it from Dr. L.

I asked again the next day and was finally able to get my linens and clothes back. I even got an extra pillow, for which I was very grateful for as my original pillow had been quite flat and hard.

The Road to Discharge

I was originally supposed to have been released on June 29th, a Tuesday, but I had to admit to Dr. L that I just didn’t feel like I could be safe at home yet. Not to mention that we were still trying to deal with my nightmares and sleep issues.

Dr. L and M, my social worker began giving me assignments to do. I was to fill out a safety plan, which I did. M had me write a letter to my regular therapist about the changes I needed her to make to improve our sessions. I am terrified to read it to her, but I really need to. I was given a huge stack of DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) information and worksheets to fill out, Nathan had me write something about a cousin of mine who had passed away due to an overdose of Fentanyl, and so I wrote her a letter telling her how much I missed her, how I was angry she was gone, disappointed that she couldn’t tell me she was back on drugs, how I was angry at her mom for getting her hooked on drugs in the first place, and ways I could have helped if she had just let me.

Meanwhile, people found out that I could make things out of the Model Magic that they had in the Contraband/Sensory room. I made I can’t even remember how many cats for people. I also made roses, and one dragon.

I was also writing dark poetry, just trying to purge my dark thoughts and get them out on paper.

Nathan continued to have one-on-one therapy with me each weekday, even if he only had half an hour.

I was meeting with my social worker daily, which they normally didn’t do, but when she realized that I wouldn’t go to them if I needed something, she decided to head it off, and meet with me, even if it were only a couple of minutes, each week day.

Finally, we decided on a day. Friday, July 2, 2021. I was so nervous, but so excited to come home and see my furbaby, Loki.

When the day came, I dressed in the nicest clothes that I had brought, which was a pair of elastic waist jeggings and my pink Cat Mom t-shirt which everybody loved. I only went to one group that day, and that was Psychotherapy, and I had my meeting with Nathan. I had one last meeting with Dr. L. and my social worker. My nurse that evening gave me my treatment plan which had my diagnoses. (Major depressive disorder, severe; Borderline Personality Disorder; and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Just as supper arrived I got the word that my ride was there.

Final Thoughts

Being at the Brattleboro Retreat was a difficult experience, but it was also a positive experience. In the beginning I was mad I wasn’t at the place where I had wanted to go, which was the Windham Center, but by the end of my first week there, I had decided to make the best of where I was. I didn’t like all the nurses, I definitely had my favorites and those I dreaded, not that they were ever mean to me, but I’m not sure, there’s just people you don’t like, you know?

I was on a great schedule while I was there. I was up no later than 8am and went to bed around 9pm, I ate at specific times. I got my medicine at specific times, and that routine was very comforting. Did I keep to it when I got home?

No. It’s currently 12:26 in the morning and I’m working on this still.

I’m still drinking my Glucerna, no matter that it costs me $40 a week for three a day, but I just don’t want to eat. Oh, I nibble. I’ve eaten some chocolate graham crackers and sipped on a 20oz Vanilla Coca Cola over the last four days. I just don’t eat.

I learned, while I was there, that it’s okay to speak up, to take up space, to have a voice, even if it’s quiet, I learned that it’s okay to get angry or ask for help. I can ask people for what I need. I don’t know how well I’ll be able to apply what I learned, but that’s always the hardest part of learning any new skill.

I know that this has been a huge amount of reading, but I wanted to give you a detailed example of what a psychiatric hospital is like. I hope that it informs you and I hope that if you’re heading to a psychiatric hospital or treatment center that maybe after reading this you’ll have less fear and anxiety because you have some clue as to what to expect.

I would also like to let my readers know that these are just my personal experiences in an American psychiatric hospital. I have no idea about British hospitals or European hospitals or even hospitals in other parts of the United States. My experiences in hospitals in Florida is a stark contrast to my experience in Vermont hospitals. I find Vermont’s response to medical care and psychiatric care in general is substantially better than Florida’s. I’ll do a post on that later.

Ask for help. Take up space. Use your voice.

National Suicide Hotline: 800 273-8255 Crisis Text Line: Text START to 741741

By the way, if you need me to tag another trigger word, please just send me a message and I’ll edit the tags to take your trigger word in consideration.

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newstfionline · 3 years ago

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Sunday, September 19, 2021

In edgy Washington, police outnumber Jan. 6 protesters (AP) In a city still on edge after the Jan. 6 insurrection, law enforcement bore down in large numbers on the Capitol on Saturday over concerns that a rally in support of the jailed rioters would turn violent. It didn’t. The crowd was sparse and incidents were few. The low turnout called into question whether such rallies will have any staying power as the organizers attempt to tap into the rage of Jan. 6 without the presence of the former president. Law enforcement had prepared for a confrontation by erecting temporary fencing around the Capitol and deploying heavy dump trucks to ring the rally site. Local police departments and the U.S. National Guard were on standby.

Crews watching weather as wildfire burns near sequoias (AP) Crews were watching the weather this weekend as they battled California wildfires that have burned into some groves of gigantic ancient sequoias as they try to protect the world’s largest tree. The National Weather Service issued a weather watch for critical fire conditions in the Sequoia National Park in the Sierra Nevada, where the Colony Fire was burning about a mile from Giant Forest, a grove of 2,000 giant sequoias. Firefighters have wrapped the base of the General Sherman Tree in fire-resistant aluminum of the type used in wildland firefighter emergency shelters and to protect historic wooden buildings, fire spokeswoman Rebecca Paterson said. The General Sherman Tree is the largest in the world by volume, at 52,508 cubic feet (1,487 cubic meters), according to the National Park Service. It towers 275 feet (84 meters) high and has a circumference of 103 feet (31 meters) at ground level.

Official: US to expel Haitians from border, fly to Haiti (AP) The Biden administration plans the widescale expulsion of Haitian migrants from a small Texas border city by putting them on flights to Haiti starting Sunday, an official said Friday, representing a swift and dramatic response to thousands who suddenly crossed the border from Mexico and gathered under and around a bridge. Details are yet to be finalized but will likely involve five to eight flights a day, according to the official with direct knowledge of the plans who was not authorized to discuss the matter publicly and spoke to The Associated Press on condition of anonymity. U.S. authorities closed traffic to vehicles and pedestrians in both directions at the only border crossing in Del Rio, Texas, after chaos unfolded Friday and presented the administration with a new and immediate challenge as it tries to manage large numbers of asylum-seekers who have been reaching U.S. soil. U.S. Customs and Border Protection said it was closing the border crossing with Ciudad Acuna, Mexico, “to respond to urgent safety and security needs.” Travelers were being directed to Eagle Pass, Texas, 57 miles (91 kilometers) away.

Argentina Crisis Deepens as Vice President Blasts Fernandez (Bloomberg) Argentina’s powerful Vice President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner slammed President Alberto Fernandez in an open letter, heightening the political crisis that has roiled the government since it lost an election Sunday. Kirchner, who governed Argentina from 2007 to 2015, published a letter Thursday blaming Fernandez for a “political catastrophe” she says was caused by his economic strategy. Their coalition’s loss in the Sept. 12 midterm primary vote was largely due to the government’s mistaken policy of fiscal austerity, she said, adding pressure on Fernandez to ramp up spending. The crisis blows open the political divide between the two factions: Kirchner and the radical Peronist officials close to her; and Fernandez’s more moderate cabinet allies. With no access to international credit markets, the government cannot easily heed Kirchner’s calls to ramp up spending without the central bank printing money and worsening one of the world’s highest inflation rates.

Dutch are world’s tallest people—but they’re shrinking, study shows (Guardian) It is, perhaps, with just a hint of satisfaction that the Dutch office for national statistics has confirmed that the men and women of the Netherlands remain the tallest people on the planet. But the government’s statisticians have had cause to report a further potentially humbling twist: the Dutch are shrinking. For the last six decades, the people of the lowlands have stood imperiously at the top of the world height league table, with the latest data suggesting the average 19-year-old man stood at just over 6ft tall (182.9cm) in 2020, while women born in the same year measured in at 5ft 6 in (169.3cm). The finding by the Centraal Bureau voor de Statistiek (CBS), a government institution, means the Netherlands maintains its lofty spot, which it has held since 1958. But based on surveys of 719,000 people aged 19 to 60, the CBS has had to report that after a period of stagnation and now clear contraction, Dutch men born in 2001 are on average 1cm shorter than the generation born in the Netherlands in 1980, and Dutch women are 1.4cm smaller.

Afghan chaos leads to resignations and reshuffling—in Europe (Washington Post) After a majority of the Dutch parliament affirmed this week that the government had mishandled evacuations from Afghanistan after the Taliban takeover, Sigrid Kaag said she had only one option: resign as foreign minister. On Friday, Kaag was followed by another member of the Dutch cabinet, Ank Bijleveld. The defense minister released her own statement of resignation, noting that she could “no longer adequately take responsibility for my people” amid the criticism. The moves in the Netherlands are another sign of how the collapse of the Afghan government, preceded by the Biden administration’s decision to withdraw all remaining U.S. troops from the country, appears to be causing more disruption in European capitals than in Washington. In Britain, Prime Minister Boris Johnson reshuffled his cabinet this week—demoting ally Dominic Raab from foreign secretary, one of the highest political positions in the United Kingdom, and reassigning him as justice secretary. Much of the criticism of government action in Europe has focused on the slow and chaotic reaction to the fall of Kabul and the ensuing scenes at the city’s airport.

Fearful US residents in Afghanistan hiding out from Taliban (AP) Every night in yet another house in Afghanistan’s capital, a U.S. green card-holding couple from California take turns sleeping, with one always awake to watch over their three young children so they can flee if they hear the footsteps of the Taliban. They’ve moved seven times in two weeks, relying on relatives to take them in and feed them. Their days are an uncomfortable mix of fear and boredom, restricted to a couple of rooms where they read, watch TV and play “The Telephone Game” in which they whisper secrets and pass them on, a diversion for the children that has the added benefit of keeping them quiet. All of it goes on during the agonizing wait for a call from anybody who can help them get out. They tried and failed to get on a flight and now are talking to an international rescue organization. Through messages, emails and phone conversations with loved ones and rescue groups, AP has pieced together what day-to-day life has been like for some of those left behind after the U.S. military’s chaotic withdrawal -- that includes U.S. citizens, permanent U.S. resident green-card holders and visa applicants who aided U.S. troops during the 20-year war. Those contacted by AP -- who are not being identified for their own safety -- described a fearful, furtive existence of hiding in houses for weeks, keeping the lights off at night, moving from place to place, and donning baggy clothing and burqas to avoid detection if they absolutely must venture out.

Photos show North Korea expanding uranium enrichment plant (AP) Recent satellite images show North Korea is expanding a uranium enrichment plant at its main Yongbyon nuclear complex, a sign that it’s intent on boosting the production of bomb materials, experts say. The assessment comes after North Korea recently raised tensions with its first missile tests in six months amid long-dormant nuclear disarmament negotiations with the United States. “The expansion of the enrichment plant probably indicates that North Korea plans to increase its production of weapons-grade uranium at the Yongbyon site by as much as 25%,” Jeffrey Lewis and two other experts at Middlebury Institute of International Studies at Monterey said in a report.

Amazon adds tuition for workers (The Week) Amazon last week became the latest large employer to offer free college as a workplace perk, said Annie Palmer at CNBC. The e-commerce giant said "it will cover the cost of tuition, fees, and textbooks for hourly employees in its operations network after 90 days of employment," with the benefit applying to "hundreds of educational institutions across the country." Amazon said it will also cover "high school diploma programs, GEDs, and English-as-a-second-language certifications." More companies are dangling educational benefits as a lure for hiring and retaining workers amid an increasingly competitive labor market. Walmart said in July it would fully subsidize tuition and books for 1.5 million part-time and full-time employees, and expanded its college partners. Target, Chipotle, and Starbucks have made similar commitments.

#headlines #news

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xhxhxhx · 5 years ago

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I removed some books today.

I think of myself as a minimalist, but that doesn’t happen to be true. I have acquired more books than I will ever read. They still sit, stacked and unreachable, in piles by the walls, two dozen books tall and sometimes two books deep.

I don’t think I know where they all came from. I think more came from online than from any physical store. I bought them from Abebooks, the sales search platform that Amazon owns now. Abebooks tell you the names of the sellers, but they seem unconnected to any real place.

From Better World Books. From Thrift Books and Bookbarn. From Silver Arch Books, Motor City Books, Free State Books, Sierra Nevada Books, Yankee Clipper Books, and the Atlanta Book Company. From Green Earth Books and Housing Works Books. From Goldstone Books and Powell’s Books and Kennys Bookshop and Art Galleries. From Satellite Books and the Orchard Bookshop. From Blue Cloud Books and Hippo Books and Wonder Book.

They’re from all over, from places you’ve never been, places you’ll never be. They’re names on a box. But then there are the books from more intimate places, intimately connected

From library’s old bookstore, which sold paperbacks for fifty cents, hardcovers for a dollar. From the basement of the old independent bookstore down on Front Street, where they sold remaindered and overstocked books marked down with red-orange tape. From the thrift store across the street, which charged too much.

From the Chapters at the mall in your hometown, or the Chapters and Indigo in the places you’ve been to, from the shelves of marked-down items where you looked for bargains, for the books you knew you should read, and all the books you never would. Places where you could drink sweet cream and coffee and pretend to read.

From the Borders in Syracuse, where you idled while the family went to the fair, where they always said they were going to build the largest mall in America, but never did. There was another Borders in South Florida, where they were stripping fixtures from the walls because the books had not sold, and so the Borders had to be. They still have bookstores. I’m not sure what they sell now. Postcards, I think.

The books still in my room had postcards from people I will never know, dedications to people I will never see, business cards from people who have moved on to other work. But their spines are unbroken, their pages unmarked. I guess I wanted them that way. I bought them like that.

I sometimes worried they would break through the floor. I would wake up to the collapse of everything I have ever owned as I plummeted a few short feet to my death. I guess it would probably take longer than that. I would have to wait for them to crush me. That mass of books would fall on me, blotting out the light. Crushed beneath nearly everything I have ever owned.

That’s what happened to the clerk Toshiko Sasaki in John Hershey’s Hiroshima, who was seated at her desk on August 6, 1945, in front of a couple of bookcases from the factor library:

Everything fell, and Miss Sasaki lost consciousness. The ceiling dropped suddenly and the wooden floor above collapsed in splinters and the people up there came down and the roof above them gave way; but principally and first of all, the bookcases right behind her swooped forward and the contents threw her down, with her left leg horribly twisted and breaking underneath her. There, in the tin factory, in the first moment of the atomic age, a human being was crushed by books.

Miss Sasaki made out alright, although not so well as to not ask the question “If your God is so good and kind, how can he let people suffer like this?” But then, I have more books than she did.

I removed some books today. I still have more I want to remove. I just don’t have the boxes for them. I took the boxes I did have in the back of my car to a mass-market thrift store, where they will end up on the shelves by the leather jackets.

Perhaps they will end on some other shelf, like a postcard from somewhere unknown, in someone else’s memory. But I don’t think they will. I don’t think they’ll sell. There aren’t enough people here who spend money pretending to read.

I don’t know what will happen to them. I suppose they will pulp them. Or perhaps they will end in a landfill, crushed beneath their own weight, suffocating beneath the earth we have made for them until life reclaims them.

I wrote out a partial list of the books I threw out. I don’t know what it says about me. There’s a double significance here: These are books I bought, for some amount of money, but these are also books I am throwing away, because I asked the question the woman told me to ask, which was whether they sparked joy, and I answered no.

Those books in the photo are the books that have not yet been thrown away. Here, below the fold, are the books that have:

Judith Fitzgerald’s Sarah McLachlan: Building a Mystery

Mordecai Richler’s Oh Canada! Oh Quebec!

Jonathan Coe’s The Rotter’s Club

Misha Glenny’s McMafia

Joinville and Villehardouin’s Chronicles of the Crusades

Michael Ignatieff’s The Lesser Evil

Russell Dalton’s Citizen Politics in Western Democracies: Public Opinion and Political Parties in the United States, Great Britain, West Germany, and France

Richard Finn’s Winners in Peace: MacArthur, Yoshida, and Postwar Japan

Ramachandra Guha’s India After Gandhi

Fox Butterfield’s China: Alive in the Bitter Sea

Anthony Sampson’s The Changing Anatomy of Britain

Masanori Hashimoto’s The Japanese Labor Market in a Comparative Perspective with the United States

Donald Keene’s Dawn to the West: Japanese Literature of the Modern Era: Poetry, Drama, Criticism

Andrei Shleifer’s Without a Map: Political Tactics and Economic Reform in Russia

Peter Newman’s The Secret Mulroney Tapes

Nicholas Negroponte’s Being Digital

Lesley Downer’s The Brothers: The Hidden World of Japan’s Richest Family

Harold Vogel’s Entertainment Industry Economics

Stephen Goldsmith and William D. Eggers’s Governing by Network: The New Shape of the Public Sector

Donald Harman Akenson, Saint Saul: A Skeleton Key to the Historical Jesus

Philip Ziegler’s King Edward VIII

David Wessel’s In FED We Trust

Robert Dallek’s Flawed Giant: Lyndon Johnson and His Times, 1961--1973

David Halberstam’s The Reckoning

David Bell’s The First Total War: Napoleon’s Europe and the Birth of Warfare as We Know It

Kevin Phillips’s The Cousins’ Wars

Yirmiyahu Yovel, Spinoza and Other Heretics: The Adventures of Immanence

Michael Oren’s Six Days of War: June 1967 and the Making of the Modern Middle East

Lawrence McDonald’s A Colossal Failure of Common Sense: The Inside Story of the Collapse of Lehman Brothers

Richard Posner’s The Crisis of Capitalist Democracy

William Chester Jordan’s Europe in the High Middle Ages

William Cohan’s House of Cards: A Tale of Hubris and Wretched Excess on Wall Street

Bryan Burrough and John Helyar’s Barbarians at the Gate: The Fall of RJR Nabisco

Linda Lear’s Beatrix Potter: A Life in Nature

Jane Mayer’s The Dark Side: The Inside Story of How the War on Terror Turned into a War on American Ideals

Allan Brandt’s The Cigarette Century: The Rise, Fall, and Deadly Persistence of the Product That Defined America

Garry Wills’s Head and Heart: American Christianities

Sarah Bradford’s Elizabeth: A Biography of Britain’s Queen

Andrew Gordon’s The Evolution of Labor Relations in Japan: Heavy Industry, 1853--1955

John Ardagh’s France in the New Century: Portrait of a Changing Society

Bob Woodward’s The Agenda: Inside the Clinton White House

John Julius Norwich’s Byzantium: The Early Centuries

Taylor Branch’s Pillar of Fire: America in the King Years, 1963--65

Michael Lewis’s Liar’s Poker

Tim Blanning’s The Pursuit of Glory: Europe, 1648--1815

Robert Fagles’s translation of Virgil’s The Aeneid

Karl Popper’s The Poverty of Historicism

P. D. Smith’s Doomsday Men: The Real Dr. Strangelove and the Dream of the Superweapon

Richard Rhodes’s Arsenals of Folly: The Making of the Nuclear Arms Race

Margaret Thatcher’s Downing Street Years

Alistair Horne’s Harold Macmillan, 1957--1986

Taylor Branch’s The Clinton Tapes: Wrestling History with the President

Ian Kershaw’s Hitler, 1936--1945: Nemesis

David Grossman’s To the End of the Land

Sean Wilentz’s The Rise of American Democracy: Jefferson to Lincoln

Philipp Blom’s The Vertigo Years: Europe, 1900--1914

Jacob M. Schlesinger’s Shadow Shoguns: The Rise and Fall of Japan’s Postwar Political Machine

Peter Jenkins’s Mrs. Thatcher’s Revolution: The Ending of the Socialist Era

Martin Lawrence’s Iron Man: The Defiant Reign of Jean Chrétien

Marin Lawrence’s Chrétien: The Will to Win

Alastair Campbell’s The Blair Years

Tony Blair’s A Journey

David Kennedy’s Don’t Shoot: One Man, a Street Fellowship, and the End of Violence in Inner-City America

Joshua Ferris’s Then We Came to the End

Kate McCafferty’s Testimony of an Irish Slave Girl

Martin Wolf’s Why Globalization Works

Charles Fishman’s The Wal-Mart Effect: How the World’s Most Powerful Company Really Works -- and How It’s Transforming the American Economy

William Easterly’s The White Man's Burden: Why the West's Efforts to Aid the Rest Have Done So Much Ill and So Little Good

Karel van Wolferen’s The Enigma of Japanese Power: People and Politics in a Stateless Nation

Jeffrey Sachs’s The End of Poverty: How We Can Make It Happen in Our Lifetime

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gimmeyoon · 6 years ago

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Updated: 12/16/19

Key:

✶ brain blast: I am going to write this fic

✶ plotting: I’m writing an outline of this fic and developing the plot

✶ writing: I’m in the process of actually writing this fic

✶ editing: I’m fixing this fic and getting ready to post it

Coming Soon to GimmeYoon

✶ Fifteen Sunflowers | Taehyung

✦ College AU: Part of the Weather Series

✦ genre: fluff, angst, smut

❝There’s nothing you hate more than professors assigning partners for group work. So of course your art professor did exactly that, and she matched you with the hottest human being you have ever seen. Fan-freaking-tastic.❞

✦ status: plotting

✶ Picture Perfect | Seokjin

✦ That’s Classic Series: Inspired by the Picture of Dorian Gray

✦ genre: fluff, angst, smut

❝Look, Seokjin knows it weird that his parents had a portrait commissioned of him for his high school graduation. And yes, he also thinks it’s weird that the painting somehow looks likes its aging with him. He doesn’t need you to bring it up. He certainly doesn’t need the girl in his Chemistry class to know about it, but that certainly didn’t stop Jimin from telling her.❞

✦ status: brain blast

✶ Bloom | Jimin

✦ College AU: Part of the Weather Series

✦ genre: fluff, angst, smut

❝There were few things you remembered about the spring concert, and none of them were making out with Park Jimin❞

✦ status: brain blast

✶ Before the Fall | Yoongi

✦ That’s Classic Series: Inspired by Pride and Prejudice

✦ genre: fluff, angst, smut

❝Firstly, Yoongi would like it to be known that it’s his parents who are rich not him. Secondly, yes he is friends with Park Jimin but that certainly does not, and he cannot emphasize this enough, make him rich. Thirdly, even if he was rich that in no way influenced his making it into this school. He’s a music prodigy, god damnit, and if anyone has any questions they can ask Park Jimin because Yoongi is in the music room practicing and has no plans to leave.❞

✦ status: brain blast

✶ Green Light | Hoseok

✦ That’s Classic Series: Inspired by the Great Gatsby

✦ genre: fluff, angst, smut

❝Hoseok is sure of two things: going on that break was the worst decision of his college experience and posting snapchats to prove that he is doing much better is the only way to stay afloat. He may or may not have saw on instagram that her cousin is a Freshmen, and he may or may not be the reason Beta Tau Sigma is committed to throwing the best parties this campus has seen every weekend. Now he just has to wait for this theoretical cousin to find her way to the house. Do it for the Snap.❞

✦ status: brain blast

✶ Snow One Like You | Seokjin

✦ College AU: Part of the Weather Series

✦ genre: fluff, angst, smut

❝All you want for Christmas is for your best friend to realize he’s in love with you❞

✦ status: brain blast

✶ Cold Hands | Yoongi

✦ College AU: Part of the Weather Series

✦ genre: fluff, angst, smut

❝you do not, in fact, have time to talk about our lord and savior Jesus Christ. Thankfully some edge lord took pity on you and saved you from the guy who’s always giving out bibles on the quad❞

✦ status: brain blast

✶ Lost Boy | Taehyung

✦ That’s Classic Series: Inspired by Peter Pan and Wendy

✦ genre: fluff, angst, smut

❝Taehyung’s life motto is that getting older doesn’t mean growing up. Every day can be an adventure if you let yourself remember how great it was to be a kid. He remembered that you liked that about him, you really did, so why are you so mad?❞

✦ status: brain blast

✶ Nobody | Jungkook

✦ That’s Classic Series: Inspired by the Odyssey

✦ genre: fluff, angst, smut

❝Jungkook just happened to score the winning goal in the national championship game, it’s no big deal. Just another day for the golden boy. Now he’s excited to make his way back to campus and get that kiss you promised him if he won. Only problem is the world seems to be against him now.❞

✦ status: brain blast

✶ Fire and Ice | Jimin

✦ That’s Classic Series: Inspired by Jane Eyre

✦ genre: fluff, angst, smut

❝Jimin doesn’t expect people to understand that he both regrets getting his high school girlfriend pregnant and loves his daughter with all of his heart. It worked out fine, Jimin and his daughter live off campus with his parents, so he can still go to college and get his degree. Everything was going just fine, thank you, until he met his match, and now Jimin’s not sure how much longer he can keep wearing his mask.❞

✦ status: brain blast

✶ Natural History | Namjoon

✦ That’s Classic Series: Inspired by the Catcher in the Rye

✦ genre: fluff, angst, smut

❝Listen, Namjoon’s not exactly sure what to do now that he has been kicked out of Beta Tau Sigma, and he is particularly not sure how he’s going to break the news to the proud alum, otherwise known as his father. He figures he might as well ask everyone he comes into contact with along the way what they would do in his situation. Not that any is helpful, adults are sort of all phonies at the end of the day. That’s nothing his favorite wing of the Natural History museum can’t attempt to fix. Now someone tell this blue-haired girl to leave him alone.❞

✦ status: brain blast

✶ Yin and Yang | Taehyung

✦ Superhuman au

✦ genre: fluff, angst, smut

❝They made one darkness and the other light. They made one the bringer of death and the other the giver of life. They made them powerful, but they locked them in cages. Powerful things do not like to be locked in cages.❞

✦ status: writing

✶ Gemini Feed | Yoongi and Namjoon

✦ College AU

✦ genre: fluff, angst, smut

❝ Gemini Feed: two similar individuals that feed into their own destruction with emotional disconnect and a lack of mutual respect and love.❞

✦ status: brain blast

✶ ‘Til Death We Do Art | Seokjin

✦ Zombie AU

✦ genre: fluff, angst, smut

❝Perhaps the most surprising part of the Zombie Apocalypse is stumbling upon a group of friends intent on using art to save the world. If you don’t protect them from the dead, who will?❞

✦ status: brain blast

✶ Midnight City | Yoongi

✦ Undercover Cop / Crime Ring AU

✦ genre: angst, smut

❝You’ve been bothering your police friend for years about the supposed crime ring led by the wealthiest men in Seoul, with nothing to show for it except a friend that won’t answer your calls. That is until a new graduate of the police academy decides to humor you and check out a few of your leads. Now you’re falling deeper and deeper into the world of Midnight City and you’re not sure if there’s a way out.❞

✦ status: brain blast

✶ Love Island | Bangtan OT7

✦ reality dating show AU

✦ genre: angst, smut, fluff

❝A cast of hot young singles looking for love and romance on the beautiful island of Mallorca and the chance to win $50,000. What more do you need to convince you to audition? It’s gonna be a long, hot summer.❞

✦ status: brain blast

✶ Again and Again | Jimin

✦ Reincarnation AU, enemies to Lovers

✦ genre: angst, smut, fluff

❝You have lived many lives for many millennia, and in each one you find each other. Like a sick joke, the universe keeps forcing you and the soul you hate together. This life it’s no different.❞

✦ status: brain blast

✶ Bottom of the River | Jungkook

✦ Witch AU

✦ genre: fluff, angst, smut

❝When you met Jungkook the world was at peace. It was okay for you to be involved with a normie, you and your coven’s biggest problem was debating whether buying your tarot cards off of Amazon was ethical. But then the world as you knew it ended and Jungkook seemed to always be caught in the middle of it.❞

✦ status: brain blast

✶ March 10th | Yoongi

✦ friends to lovers au

✦ genre: fluff, angst, smut

❝Yoongi: your friend through it all that hates his birthday. So you come to an agreement, you won’t celebrate it. You’ll meet up the day after and hang out like it’s any other day. Even when you move miles and miles away from each other you still meet up every year on that day.❞

✦ status: brain blast

✶ The Adventures of N’Sync and Mr. President | Namjoon

✦ college au, friends to lovers

✦ genre: fluff, angst, smut

❝You and Namjoon are unlikely friends, the bi art girl to his student body president, business and Polisci double major perfect self. It all started the day you both fell in love with the same girl. And the rest is, how they say, history.❞

✦ status: brain blast

✶ Be Right Back | Taehyung

✦ supernatural au (set in the Say My Name universe)

✦ genre: fluff, angst, smut

❝When your boyfriend died you thought you had lost him forever. Then one day a book falling from your shelf opens your eyes to the strange and unusual. Forever became real that day, but it’s not the paradise you’d always dreamed it would be.❞

✦ status: brain blast

✶ Jinkies | Hoseok

✦ Scooby Doo AU, friends to lovers

✦ genre: fluff, angst, smut

❝You are definitely not in love with your friend, co-worker, and leader of Mystery Inc.. Sure, whenever he enacts his favorite plan, splitting up, the two of you usually go off together, and that one time you pretended to be a couple for an investigation was weird, but you don’t have feelings for your friend. Sure, he’s handsome, and confident, and kind, and a good friend.... Zoinks, maybe you are in love with Hoseok.❞

✦ status: brain blast

#works in progress #wip #B's Ideas

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womenintranslation · 6 years ago

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“Our composite language”: WiT Interviews Translator Katy Derbyshire

A few weeks ago we spotlighted one of our favorite Women in Translation reads of 2018, Heike Geissler’s Seasonal Associate, in fellow WiT activist and translator extraordinaire Katy Derbyshire’s superb English rendition. Many of our readers know that as well as being one of the top German-to-English literary translators out there today, Katy was part of the team that initiated the newly inaugurated Warwick Prize for Women in Translation, whose third edition will open once again for submissions this spring.

We recently caught up with Katy to ask her a few questions about her superb Translator’s Note, in which she provides the fascinating backstory to the novel and to its translation and publication in English by Semiotext(e):

WiT: How did the Translator’s Note come about?

KD: I thought that seeing the book is about work, I could take the opportunity to describe my own. I toyed with the idea of mimicking Heike Geissler’s book and writing it in the second person—“You’re a translator, and you’re fortunate enough to love your job,” that kind of thing. Especially as Heike translates as well, from English into German . . . But that felt a little silly in the end so I stuck to a more traditional format, just keeping it plain and—I hope—clear for non-translators. I’m not the only translator to have realised that a translator’s note is useful to reviewers, giving them a little more background information and enhancing their understanding. I’m sure the book would have been reviewed anyway, but as you might have noticed, a few of the critics have drawn on what I wrote. Plus, of course, a note makes all of us translators a tiny bit more visible to our readers.

Did the publisher ask you to write it, or did you propose it yourself?

As it happened there was a clause in my contract that granted me the right to include a translator’s note. I assume that’s standard because semiotext(e) publish a lot of theory and non-fiction, and they didn’t specifically request one. But it set the ball rolling in my mind and seemed like a good opportunity. I don’t always write a translator’s note; sometimes the text doesn’t present the kind of challenges that might be of interest, sometimes I feel like it might spoil the “magic” of a particularly strong voice. But here it fitted well.

What I love about it is that you pull back the curtain to show what it means to translate—you’re not only doing dictionary work, far from it. For example, you say that as a translator you like to immerse yourself in another person’s writing and mimic it in your own language. In order to do that, since you’ve never worked at an Amazon fulfillment center, you dipped into an amazing trove of “Working at Amazon” videos on YouTube and listened to a range of people talk about working there. Getting those exact words and phrases right matters! I think that anyone who’s worked at an Amazon fulfillment center in the English-speaking part of the globe would agree that it's on the mark. Was achieving that one of the more complicated things about the translation?

It was, absolutely! That and working directly for an American publisher, when my English is very British. So those were the two things that most concerned me: How would an American say this? And how would an Amazon worker say this? I was lucky enough to be sharing a desk at the time with a very patient American friend, who kindly helped me to use “shopping cart” rather than “shopping trolley” and that kind of thing. The editor still had a bit of work to do on that front but I think it came out well. And then the online research was essential and eye-opening. I’m a big fan of that culture of sharing advice on YouTube, from makeup tutorials to DIY tips. It feels sincere and generous, and sometimes subversive. Anyone can have expert knowledge! Some of the Amazon fulfillment videos I found were made by people who were grateful to be working there and pleased to be given free pizza on long shifts, for example. Others were angry about how the company treated them but didn’t necessarily reflect on the system behind it. So that extra layer of perspective was fascinating and useful, and reminded me—although Heike says so herself—that a lot of people rely far more heavily on Amazon as an employer than she did, just working there to pay off her overdraft.

You say that Heike Geissler gave you the green light to add extra layers to the translation where you thought it was necessary, but you don’t identify these additions. I thought one added layer must have been about the word “tote,” which is Amazonspeak for the ubiquitous yellow crates used to hold products as they move on conveyor belts. By a remarkable coincidence, “tote” sounds like the word in German for death—ha! (But you don’t use the German word—Tod—which I found interesting). Can you give another example of what you added to the translation?

In that case, I left out the German word because, to a non-German-speaker, it doesn’t look like a homonym for tote, and I wanted to explain the odd reaction to the word but not add even more confusion. The other thing that springs to mind is that I added something to Heike’s initial description of herself—and therefore of you, as the reader who slips into her position through the narration. Here’s what it says now—everything from “Another important thing” is my addition:

From now on, you are me. That means you’re female; please don’t forget that because it’s important in places. You’re a writer and a translator, and at this point in life you have two sons and a partner who suits you well, something you’re usually aware of. Another important thing, which you rarely think about but which has to be said: You’re German, but the country you were born in no longer exists.

In this case, the book’s original readers can instantly place Heike geographically, because they know she’s in Leipzig in the former GDR. But I thought Anglophone readers might benefit from a little help. I added these interventions once I had a feel for our composite language, if you see what I mean—how Heike sounds in my English. And the book’s forthright style made that very easy to do. Obviously, I ran them by Heike too.

You write about the difficulties finding a publisher for the book in the US and UK. Do you think the Women in Translation problem had anything to do with that? I remember it was one of the books you listed in your LitHub post a few years ago on “10 German Books by Women We’d Love to See in English.”

I think there were a number of factors that made publishers cautious. Firstly, who wants to annoy Amazon these days? But also, the book is a long way from a conventional narrative. It’s a stylized account of Heike’s time working at Amazon, and it also explores broader ideas about paid labour and what it does to us. Yet it’s not a theoretical or philosophical book as such—it’s radically subjective. Hard to categorise, in other words! I’m only now thinking about whether gender played a role . . . Perhaps we unconsciously expect books about work to be written by men? Do we expect women to write about relationships, parenting, “soft subjects”? I’m not sure. At any rate, semiotext(e) came along and ignored all that. I’m really thrilled by the reactions and reviews—very exciting.

What are you working on now?

I’m finishing off a short story collection by Clemens Meyer for Fitzcarraldo Editions. Tomorrow I’m going to Leipzig to take a look at some of the stories’ real-life settings with the writer and his Italian translator, Roberta Gado. That’s the huge advantage of living in the same country as the writers I translate. I have to admit I took a longer break than usual between first translating the stories and finishing off, so I’m excited to be returning to them with a fresh viewpoint. They’re gorgeous, crazy and sad. This is the first time I’ve cried at my computer while translating.

What books are on your nightstand?

Too many! Here’s a photo . . . As it turns out, there’s only one male writer (and two anthologies) among them. Yay me.

#WiTInterviews #Katy Derbyshire #heike geissler #saisonarbeit #seasonal associate #German literature #Amazon #semiotext(e)

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agritecture · 6 years ago

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Can Vertical Farms Reap Their Harvest? It’s Anyone’s Bet.

CONTENT SOURCED FROM CIVILEATS

By now, the images of shelves full of perfect greens in hulking warehouses, stacked floor to ceiling in sterile environs and illuminated by high-powered LED lights, have become familiar. Food futurists and industry leaders say these high-tech vertical farming operations are the future of agriculture—able to operate anywhere, virtually invincible against pests, pathogens, and poor weather, and producing local, fresh, high-quality, lower-carbon food year-round.

That future seemed one step closer to reality last year when San Francisco-based indoor farming startup Plenty, which grows a variety of salad and leafy greens hydroponically (without soil) and uses artificial lighting in facilities in three locations, announced that it had raised a whopping $200 million in funding from the SoftBank Vision Fund, whose investors include Amazon founder Jeff Bezos.

Flush with cash, Plenty quickly opened a 100,000-square-foot indoor farm outside Seattle that promised to produce 4.5 million pounds of greens annually—including some varieties not yet grown for the masses at scale, such as hydroponic peaches, carrots, and watermelon. To Plenty’s leadership and many observers, the cash influx signaled the economic promise of growing food indoors without sunlight and with less soil and water than field farming.

(Photo courtesy of Plenty)

“My reaction [to the $200 million round] was both that of validation, excitement,” said Matt Barnard, Plenty’s co-founder and CEO, over a manner of farming he says yields 350 times the produce per acre on one percent of the water used by dirt farming. “Now we must move with speed and efficiency if we’re to accomplish our mission of bringing people worldwide an experience that’s healthier for them and the planet.”

Not everyone is in agreement.

“My first thought was, ‘we could build a lot of greenhouses for $200 million,’” recalls Neil Mattson, a professor of plant science at Cornell and one of the country’s leading academic voices on indoor agriculture, who’s found that high-tech greenhouses that harness sunlight are more cost- and carbon-friendly than vertical farms that use artificial light.

Most vertical farmers are only hoping to claim a percentage of the conventional produce market, not replace it. To these founders and their investors, the market for lettuce and greens, especially—grown primarily in California and Arizona and shipped worldwide—is ripe for disruption. E. colioutbreaks like the one that hit Arizona-grown romaine lettuce earlier this year, killing a handful of people and sickening hundreds, only further their case.

But behind futurists’ fervent predictions about indoor agriculture, claims about product quality, and sexy technology lies a reality known by industry insiders but too often missing from media coverage: The future success of this nascent industry is still very much an open question.

The astronomical capital costs associated with starting a large hydroponic farm (compared to field and greenhouse farming), its reliance on investor capital and yet-to-be-developed technology, and challenges around energy efficiency and environmental impact make vertical farming anything but a sure bet. And even if vertical farms do scale, there’s no clear sense of whether brand-loyal consumers, en masse, will make the switch from field-grown produce to foods grown indoors.

Tricky Economics

Walking into any supermarket will reveal a small mountain of salad greens, carrying a price tag of between $9 and $12 per pound. They may be locally grown or organic, which will add $0.50 or $1 to the price tag. Meanwhile, a 4.5-ounce carton of Massachusetts-based FreshBox Farms’ spring mix—grown in the company’s hydroponic farm in Massachusetts—costs $3.99 for a 4-ounce box, or $15.96 per pound. Or kale: the conventional variety will run you $1.33 per pound at Walmart; organic kale costs around $4.99 per pound at Whole Foods; and vertically farmed kale grown at Newark, New Jersey-based AeroFarms will cost you a whopping $14.18 per pound.

That dramatic price gap is due to the millions of dollars currently needed to build one large indoor vertical farm—and that price is not going to drop until the industry scales up. Agritecture Consulting, whose clients include current and prospective indoor farms, estimates that a 30,000-square-foot vertical farm growing leafy greens and herbs in the tri-state area around New York City requires nearly $4 million in startup capital—not including labor.

They should know: In 2016, Agritecture built farm.one in Manhattan’s TriBeCa neighborhood, which supplies hydroponic greens and edible flowers to a number of the city’s top restaurants. Chefs have been quick to catch onto the value of consistent, year-round, locally grown produce.

A farm.one indoor farming operation. (Photo courtesy of farm.one)

In 2016, AeroFarms, now considered an industry leader, spent $30 million on its flagship aeroponic farm in Newark. The majority of these costs lie in the equipment needed to grow greens without soil or sunlight—heating and cooling systems, ventilation, shading, environmental controls, and lights.

All of these costs add up to a hefty electricity bill: According to models compiled for Civil Eats by Agritecture, a 30,000-square-foot vertical farm in metro New York City should budget upwards of $216,000 annually for lighting and power, and another $120,000 on HVAC systems; costs will vary region to region depending on what each state charges for electricity.

Energy and equipment costs are, by far, the largest drivers of expenses that can bring the price of operating a vertical farm close to $27 per square foot. By contrast, Agritecture’s models show that the cost to run a 100,000-square-foot smart greenhouse is roughly a third as expensive, thanks to the use of natural sunlight and more advanced automation.

Vertical farms’ energy usage carries a significant carbon footprint. While vertical farm companies promise more-sustainable produce by growing it closer to consumers and using renewable energy to power their operations, the industry still has a long row to hoe.

Industry leaders acknowledge the energy challenges in the short term, yet tout continually improving lighting technology that has brought down costs. But Mattson, whose Cornell team studies the way plants respond to different lighting, predicts a plateau coming for improvements to LED technology.

LEDs lighting an indoor farming operation. (Photo courtesy of Agritecture)

“The best LEDs are 40 percent more energy efficient than in 2014,” Mattson says. “There continue to be improvements; however, those improvements will start to slow down over time. There’s only a finite amount of light you can generate at a given wavelength, and in 2022, I’m not expecting new lights to be 40 percent more efficient than the current lights now.”

FreshBox Farms began shipping greens from its 40,000-square-foot hydroponic facility in Millis, Massachusetts, in 2015. The warehouse farm, located 30 miles outside of Boston, runs on a combination of renewable energy and non-renewables, and CFO Dave Vosburg admits his company is “not doing any better” than field-grown greens when it comes to carbon usage.

When it eventually expands outside of Massachusetts, Vosberg says that by introducing a cogeneration system—technology that recycles otherwise wasted heat into new energy—FreshBox Farms will eventually keep costs and carbon emissions down in expensive markets like Connecticut, where commercial users pay an average of more than 14 cents per kilowatt-hour. But Vosburg says the company’s priority is to use contextually appropriate renewable energy sources to power the farms, such as wind energy in the Midwest, hydro in the Northwest, and solar in the Southwest.

“Yes, it sounds crazy to take the sun and turn it into electricity and turn that electricity back into light. It sounds ridiculous, but that’s what we’ll be doing,” Vosburg says. “It’ll be really efficient and clean and create a better product, and it won’t have the same carbon impact that we’re having today.”

And energy isn’t even a vertical farm’s top ongoing expense. The companies Civil Eats spoke to say labor is actually their largest budget item. Vertical farms typically pay workers higher, more metropolitan pay rates than both dirt farms—many of which rely heavily on migrant labor—and the more automated smart greenhouses. The fast-food chain Wendy’s announced in June that it plans to source vine-ripened tomatoes exclusively from greenhouse farms by early 2019.

Moreover, no matter how automated the indoor growing system is, vertical farmers are discovering the constant need for a human eye—or several—on the process. In fact, some estimate that if indoor agriculture continues to grow at the pace it has in recent years, vertical farms will have to hire 100,000 workers over the next decade.

That continued growth is not a given, however. Because of the high cost to launch, operate, and scale up a vertical farming operation, the industry is highly leveraged, with each new farm requiring tens of millions of dollars in investor capital before it can grow a single plant. Between 2016 and 2017, investments in vertical farming skyrocketed 653 percent, from $36 million to $271 million. The lion’s share of that investment went to Plenty, but Newark-based AeroFarms has raised $80 million in recent years and Brooklyn’s Bowery Farming added another $27 million.

Sky Vegetables’ rooftop hydroponic farming operation in New York City. (Photo courtesy of Agritecture)

Just last week, Manhattan-based BrightFarms announced it had raised $55 million. Shoppers can now find produce grown indoors by more than 23 large vertical farms in more than 20 supermarket chains in nearly every major metropolitan area in the country, according to Agritecture.

While industry leaders say scaling offers the best hope for profitability in this business, many vertical farms have encountered problems when they began planning to add additional production facilities. Before Atlanta-based PodPonics closed its doors in 2016, executives from the five-year-old hydroponic farm startup met with executives from supermarket chain Kroger.

Kroger indicated that it was ready to purchase 25 million pounds of produce from PodPonics annually if it would build the facilities to support that kind of production, founder Matt Liotta told a crowd at the 2017 Aglanta Conference. According to Liotta, who said PodPonics had lowered the cost to produce a pound of lettuce to $1.36, Whole Foods and Fresh Market also expressed interest in bringing PodPonics greens into their stores nationally.

“This was our wildest dream,” Liotta said. “Then we realized how much capital that was going to require, how many people we were going to have to hire. Every retailer told us the same thing: ‘We will buy it if you will build it.’ We realized we were incapable of building everything that they wanted.”

Unproven Demand for Food Grown Indoors

In early 2016, researchers from the University of Illinois-Urbana set out to determine whether consumers would spring for produce grown indoors. They asked a panel of 117 participants a series of questions about their perceptions of and willingness to pay for lettuce grown in fields, greenhouses, and in vertical farms. While vertical farming ranked fairly high in terms of produce quality and safety, the tech-heavy production method was rated less “natural” than both field farming and greenhouse and ranked last in participants’ willingness to purchase it.

(Photo courtesy of Plenty)

For the vertical agriculture industry to eat into the profits of field-grown products—a roughly $140 billion industry—Agritecture Consulting founder and managing director Henry Gordon-Smith says it will first need to prove consumers are demanding produce grown indoors. He points out that because of a lack of demand, many vertical farming operations are not yet at full production year-round—despite touting the 12-month growing season as a main benefit of the industry.

His sense is that indoor farms that have achieved the sales to produce continually—such as Gotham Greens has with its New York City greenhouses, for example—have a customer base that’s responding to strong “local” branding rather than the technology behind the food. That may include vertical farms selling their produce using the USDA Certified Organic label, which the National Organic Board reaffirmed in January, much to the dismay of many organic dirt farmers.

“I think the automation and economics are all improving,” Gordon-Smith says, adding that the question of “whether consumers are going to pay more or whether the products coming out of vertical farms are going to align with their values” is still an open question.

But while many of the East Coast vertical farms built their business models around replacing greens being shipped cross-country from California and Arizona, Matt Barnard of Plenty hopes to add to the global population consuming fresh produce. A 2015 report found that where USDA guidelines suggest each of us in the U.S. should eat up to three cups of vegetables daily, current U.S. production is only providing enough for 1.7 cups per person. Barnard extends that supply gap to the rest of the world, especially the Middle East and Asia, where a lack of water and high pollution have hampered agriculture.

“We believe the industry will be five times larger when there is supply to meet the demand,” Barnard says. “With the field unable to deliver consistent supply, new forms of agricultural capacity like Plenty must be added to the global food system.”

Plenty CEO Matt Barnard. (Photo courtesy of Plenty)

But as vertical farming companies like Plenty go city by city attempting to dominate local markets, it may be that small farmers get hurt the most. Barnard drew the ire of Washington State dirt farmers last year when he told GeekWire that Plenty expanded to Seattle, in part, because it was the West Coast’s “best example of a large community of people who really don’t have much access to any fresh fruits and vegetables grown locally.”

Not so, according to Sofia Gidlund, Farm Programs Manager at Tilth Alliance, which advocates for and supports local agriculture systems in Greater Seattle.

“We work with many hardworking local farmers who supply Seattle with high-quality, delicious, and nutritious food while caring deeply for our land. These farmers use sustainable farming practices, nurse the soil, create beautiful open green space and provide wildlife habitat,” says Gidlund, who adds that she does not speak for all area farmers on the issue of vertical farming. “Many consumers in Seattle choose to support local farmers, both urban or rural, because of this deep connection to the land. Providing that support is a point of pride for many Seattleites.”

Actual Data Is Coming

Peer-reviewed research into the business of vertical farming has been sparse, partly because the industry is so new. That’s set to change, however, when Mattson and a team of researchers at Cornell University finish a comprehensive study into the viability of this approach.

A three-year, $2.4 million research grant, which is funded by the National Science Foundation and kicked off in January, will compare the vertical farming industry to field agriculture in a slew of categories, including energy, carbon, and water footprints, profitability, workforce development, and scalability. The study will include one of the first nutritional analyses of food grown indoors, as well as comparing the price-per-pound to deliver strawberries, lettuce, and tomatoes grown vertically and outdoors to five U.S. metropolitan areas: New York City, Chicago, Seattle, Los Angeles, and Atlanta.

A 2016 study conducted by a few of Mattson’s colleagues at Cornell found that the energy consumption and carbon footprint associated with a vertical farm (the study calls it a “plant factory”) is significantly higher than that of a greenhouse. Vertical farming leaders counter that they use significantly less water than field farms, are more space-efficient, and do not produce emissions from trucking produce across the country. Mattson says these factors were not considered in Cornell’s previous research but will be included in the current grant.

“[Vertical farming] is not a fad,” says Mattson, who wants to use data to help the industry become more sustainable over time. “I’m not sure to what degree it’s going to scale up, but this is happening. So we need to understand the economic and environmental implications—both the good and the bad.”

by STEVE HOLT

#urban agriculture #urban farming #indoor ag #vertical farming #hydroponic #local food #agtech #double-size

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alphalighting · 2 years ago

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The Eco-Friendly Solar Lights fixtures

Solar powered light bulb has been at the upward thrust for the previous couple of years and keeps to grow. If you’re inquisitive about putting in a machine then it's miles crucial which you discover ways to try this effectively in order that your set up will feature well.

When shopping for a sun mild there are numerous matters which you want to take into account. The maximum apparent factor is whether or not you need to put in a stand-on my own unit or a whole out of doors lighting fixtures solution.

If you need to shop for a standalone unit, then you definitely will probable want something smaller than a complete length lantern. For example, a small sun highlight can be greater suitable.

A exact manner to determine which kind of sun mild is first-class for you'll be to examine prices. This may be completed with the aid of using evaluating specific fashions and locating out what works the first-class on your situation.

The Disadvantages of Floodlights

When you are searching out a mild source, it is crucial to take into account your needs. For example, in case you need a bright, white mild, then you definitely have to pick out one which emits a variety of power.

If you want to apply the mild at night, then you definitely is probably inquisitive about the usage of an LED bulb. This kind of lighting fixtures is a good deal greater green than conventional bulbs.

You also can get a mild fixture with movement sensors. If you've got got pets, this could assist to make certain which you do not activate the lighting whilst you aren’t home.

While you can now no longer recognize it, you can grow to be spending a giant amount of cash withinside the lengthy run. When you are looking for a brand new mild, make certain which you test all of the information earlier than you purchase.

It's feasible to discover a splendid deal on a mild, however you will want to perform a little studies first. You have to investigate shopping for from respectable dealers and studying critiques. Make positive that the product meets your expectancies earlier than you decide to creating a purchase.

The Advantages of Recessed Cans

When you are searching out a floodlight, you need to make certain which you get the first-class deal feasible. There are many various factors to take into account, together with the mild quality, the price, the warranty, the design, etc.

If you've got got any questions, you have to ask round earlier than shopping for. You also can go to web sites like Amazon wherein you could study critiques from different customers.

You'll be capable of discover a variety of data online. However, you want to recognize a way to use this kind of technology. For example, whilst you purchase a lamp, you may generally get hold of instructions. This manner, you may not grow to be unfavorable your property.

A splendid factor approximately those lamps is that they're power green. In fact, they are able to ultimate for years without having to be replaced.

There is a drawback to the usage of a recessed lighting fixtures machine, though. If you don’t well set up them, you may run into problems.

The Disadvantages of Recessed Cans

Outdoor Lights are splendid for illuminating your yard, however they also can purpose a variety of problems. If you are considering putting in floodlights on your home, here is the whole thing you want to recognize.

First of all, when you have any form of electric wiring on your house, then you definitely have to make certain that the wires are protected. Otherwise, you can be setting your self at risk.

Another factor is which you may need to keep away from the usage of floodlights close to water sources. This is due to the fact they are able to create a risky situation. For example, in case you use them round swimming pools or ponds, then you could grow to be with electrocution.

Also, you should not location floodlights in regions wherein kids are probable to walk. You do not need all and sundry getting harm with the aid of using by accident touching one of the bulbs.

Finally, you have to usually hold your floodlights far from strength lines. That manner, you won’t get bowled over while a person touches a wire.

#Outdoor Lights

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luminarizal · 3 years ago

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Affordable Smart Home Devices this 2022

We often assume that owning smart home products, such as Wi-Fi fridges and connected TVs, will cost a lot of money. You already understand that you shouldn't have to break the bank to attain that smart house, especially in this time of epidemic when we're all inspired to be Home Buddies!

The wealthy are no longer the only ones who can afford an intelligent home. Google, Amazon, Apple, and a bevy of third-party developers have made bringing your home online easier and more affordable than ever before. Consider installing appliances and equipment that you can control from anywhere to make your home more pleasant and convenient.

A smart home is a great investment right now since you can get big discounts on speakers, security cameras, light bulbs, robot vacuums, and other smart home equipment, then build a central hub to connect all of your devices. All of these items are Alexa and Google Assistant compatible, making your life easier and more efficient.

Devices for the smart home that are inexpensive: Whether you want to modify your lighting, stream music, or secure your home, there is a variety of the top smart home equipment that can help you get started building your smart home.

1. Smart lights Nanoleaf Essentials A19 Each bulb may be customized to emit a variety of colors, brightness levels, and schedules using an app. You also don't need to acquire an internet connection separately; simply plug it into a free outlet, scan the barcode, and you'll be online in no time.

2. Echo Dot (3rd generation)

The Echo Dot, the most popular voice-activated smart speaker, interacts with Alexa and can answer questions, set alarms, and check the weather. You may operate your linked smart home equipment using your voice as a command. It's as simple as telling Alexa what you want to accomplish.

Several services, like Amazon Music, Apple Music, Spotify, Pandora, and others, allow you to play music using your voice. Alexa's more than 50,000 abilities make it simple to master new skills.

3. Google Nest Mini Smart Speaker

The Google Nest Mini is another great budget smart gadget if you have a Pixel phone or prefer Google Assistant to Amazon Alexa. The Google Nest Mini's fabric covers several touch-screen functionality, such as the ability to play and stop high-quality music and launch Google Assistant. The device can pick up "Hey Google" commands even from a distance thanks to an additional microphone.

Lumina's eSpacio amenities, which include a Tambayan ni Juan and Community Center, a green landscaped or jogging route, and a faster and more dependable internet connection inside the community, are just a few of the new features to look forward to when purchasing a house and lot package from them.

Make your house reservations with Lumina Homes now to complete your Level Up objective for 2022!

#smarthome #homebuddies

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fumpkins · 3 years ago

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Sunlight affects whether languages have a word for ‘blue’ | Science

Color is a spectrum: Red fades from orange to yellow, whereas green merges to turquoise, then blue. Languages treat this spectrum in different ways: Some have separate words for “green” and “blue,” others lump the two together. Some barely bother with color terms at all.

“The question is, why?” says Dan Dediu, an evolutionary linguist at Lumière University Lyon 2. Now, he and his colleagues have found evidence for an unexpected answer: People with more exposure to sunlight are more likely to speak languages that lump green and blue together, under a term that linguists dub “grue.” That’s because of the effects of a lifetime of light exposure, the team speculates: Lots of Sun causes a condition called “lens brunescence” that makes it harder to distinguish the two hues.

Lens brunescence is just one of many theories explaining why color vocabulary is so different across languages, says study co-author Asifa Majid, a psychologist at the University of York. Others originate primarily with the environment: One theory holds that people who live near large bodies of water—like seas or lakes—could be more likely to have a word for blue. And if cultures begin to dye clothing with hard-to-produce blue pigments, that could also prompt the emergence of new color terms.

Everyone has their own pet theories, and “people normally test the theory that they like best,” Majid says. So she and her colleagues decided to put all the main ones through the wringer.

The researchers gathered data from 142 populations on every continent except Antarctica, covering widely spoken languages such as Korean and Arabic to those spoken by just a few hundred people in Australia and the Amazon. The scientists noted what color terms the main language of each population used and then gathered data on factors that might influence those terms, including sunlight exposure and proximity to large bodies of water, like lakes. They couldn’t find comprehensive data on historic dyeing technology, so they used the proxy of population size, instead: Larger populations tend to have more complex technologies, including dyeing.

Light exposure played a big role in whether languages separate blue from green, the researchers conclude this week in Scientific Reports. In brighter places (either those that were closer to the equator or had less annual cloud cover) such as Central America and East Africa, languages were significantly less likely to separate “green” from “blue.” That suggests a lifetime of exposure to bright light pushes whole communities away from baking a blue-green distinction into their language.

But the team also found support for the other two theories: Living near a lake increased the chance of having a separate word for “blue.” So did living in a larger society. That means visual perception, culture, and environment all play a role in shaping how a language carves up the color spectrum, Dediu says.

This isn’t the first study to find such factors linked to color vocabulary, says University of Bristol linguist Sean Roberts, who was not involved with the work. “But this paper is special because it considers all these factors together.”

Linguists have found evidence that small changes in how people communicate can snowball across generations of speakers, making big changes to languages over time. The researchers think that’s what happened here: Over generations, individual biases—based on visual perception and the importance of certain color terms—influenced which languages developed a separate term for the color blue.

This kind of language variation is an old puzzle in linguistics. Why would one language develop in a certain direction, whereas another takes a different path? For a long time, Dediu says, the standard answer was circular: “Languages just change … because.” Linguists thought all languages faced the exact same pressures—like people wanting to communicate as easily as possible, while still being understood. And so languages taking different paths could only be explained as the product of random chance.

But more recent research has been digging deeper for an answer, finding that languages can change rapidly because of environmental or cultural factors, says Simon Greenhill, a linguist at the Max Planck Institute for the Science of Human History, who was not involved with the research: “It’s really exciting that we’re seeing more studies looking at the big picture.”

New post published on: https://livescience.tech/2021/10/01/sunlight-affects-whether-languages-have-a-word-for-blue-science/

#affects #blue #languages #science #Sunlight #word

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way-noway137 · 3 years ago

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Dave and the Bean - Part 4

“Arghhhhh!” Dave moaned with yogurt cups lying all around him whilst he was slouching on the couch. Even for him, it’s too much yogurt. “Oh god! Not again!” Dave said as he rushed to the bathroom kicking all the empty yogurt cups on his way. It was the green slime again but this time it started to smell like the tree tags on the fake christmas trees. “Eww! Sick!” Dave mumbled purely disgusted. He hates taking a hot dump everyday but now, he would write his life to Satan to do that demeaning lifetask.

“Mom!” Dave yelled as he came downstairs.

“I am in the kitchen Dave!” Mrs.Wilson yelled while chopping jalapenos.”I am making nachos, sweetie,” she continued.

“Wait, really?

Mrs.Wilson nodded with a huge smile as she is a huge fan of nachos herself.

“What? No, mom. It is not getting better.”

“Oh sweetie, trust me, I got the recipe from Aunt Ell. It is supposed to be better than the store bought.”

“Not that mom. My shituation is not getting better.”

“What? Oh! Ohh! Are you sure?” Mrs.Wilson took a minute to get there.

“Yes. I am still pooping Blobby from Hotel Transylvania.”

“The doctor did say it takes some time for the antibiotics to kick in.”

“But it is smelling like the amazon forest in there.”

“What?!”

“Yes. I am scared, mom.”

“Okay, I will call the doctor right now.”

Mrs.Wilson picked up her phone.

After sixteen yeses, a couple of whats and actually explaining the shituation Mrs.Wilson cut the call. “The doctor is in Idaho.”

“What? He can’t be in Idaho. I am sick.”

“Yes but his aunt passed away so I got patched to another doctor.”

“What did he say?”

“Well, he had your report so he was able to understand your shituation faster. He said that your system is flushing out the rest of your toxicity so it is nothing to be worried about but if the shitua-”

“Oh stop saying that,” Dave interrupted.

“If it gets worse, we must go to the hospital next week.”

“Next week?!”

“Only if it gets worse.”

“But what if I do? Did you ask him about the smell?”

“Yes, he said that it just means you have been eating about too many greens and it just happens sometimes.”

“But all I ate was yoghurt.”

“Yes, I did mention that.”

“What did he say?”

“Let me finish my sentences.”

Dave raised both his hands implying that he will let her speak.

“He said it just happens sometimes and as long as it doesn't hurt, you are right on track.”

“I don’t trust the new guy mom.”

“I know sweetie but he is all we got for now. Just take your tablets and go to sleep okay? You need not eat the nachos. Just drink your kombucha and go to bed.”

“Are you saying this because you want to eat all the nachos?”

Mrs.Wilson scoffed and said, ”No!”

Dave glared a questionable look and went to his room.

Still worried, Dave decided to text Sam to see whether this was all because of a bean.

‘Bro i think im coming down with smth’

After 18 seconds, Dave saw his screen light up. He picked it up. It was Stella.

‘Havent heard from u… everything good?’

Dave’s face beamed up.

‘Yep….everything is sweet mamacita’

“Mamacita? Who am I?” Dave was mortified.

‘I didnt mean to say mamacita’ He texted trying to rectify his stupid mistake.

‘Lol’ Stella texted back.

‘Sup?’

‘Shark tank’

‘Cool’

‘Hey i thought we could go to the park tom as our date was kinda cut short’

‘Im rly glad u knew that it was a date’ Dave texted back.

‘Technically it isnt cuz we didnt kiss’

Dave blushed.

‘It was a total bummer...let me make it up to u by kissing u tom’

‘Sounds like a plan’

‘Yea’

Dave started jumping up and down his bed. His phone lit up again.

‘Shit dude’

It was Sam.

Dave totally forgot what he was actually going through.

‘What was in that bean?’ He replied as he sat down.

‘Just a normal bean i got from a weird looking dude on the street’

‘What’

‘Yup’

‘Where’

‘Nah he isnt from here….said that he is a nomad’

‘What’

‘But he did say his name was jack tho’

‘Jack?’

‘Yea dude...we tot it’d be funny if a giant beanstalk grew out of ur pants...u know...like the fairytale’

‘Yes sam….i know’

Dave kept his phone down.

“Could it be?” Dave thought.

But it was ridiculous even to Dave and he thought he was a vampire up until he was fourteen so he decided to go to sleep as he had a date the next day.

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bhandarimarblekishangarh · 4 years ago

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TOP 10 MOST POPULAR MARBLE FROM COLOURS OF 2021

Your home is a place where you get the maximum comfort. So, when you start with your home interiors, plan them in a manner comfortable for you. Do not overload yourself with everything in one go, but take one step at a time.

At Bhandari Marble World we have approximately 500 colors and varieties to suit every decor taste and interior style. You’ll come across a wide selection of marble colors that can be cut to any desired shape and any size. These include classic and new styles, with some stone types that even look exactly like Italian marble.

This natural stone outshines marble when it comes to durability. It’s hardy, solid, and less porous. Neutral tones don’t date as quickly and can be easily updated with bright decor elements, bright backsplashes, or a slick coat of new wall paint. White, cream, or even light blue and gray granite countertops offer an understated yet classic look that pairs well with any color of marble.

White marble is a beautiful natural stone that is often used in home remodeling projects. The stone has also been used to build some of the world’s most famous statues and structures. Homeowners have long adored white marble for its pure beauty and the sophisticated feel that the stone gives off. This stone looks great as a white marble countertop, backsplash, vanity top or other home structure. If you are looking for a stone that is gorgeous and holds classic appeal, white marble is an excellent choice.

QUALITY WITH PRICING

Bhandari Marble World only import premium quality Marble from the most well-known quarries over all world. To keep our own costs low, we made good and positive working relationships with our supplier, and consistently provide best services to our customers. Maintaining our own stone yards allows us to work faster and deliver products with a fast turnaround, further reducing labor costs.

WE PROVIDE SERVICE WITH 100% SATISFACTION

Bhandari Marble World always work for work for their customer and always provide 100% satisfaction to their clientele. We have a team well educate and experience sales persons who always answer happily to our customers, provide helpful suggestions, and guide them through every step of the process. Whether you already have something in mind or just want to browse our selection, they will assist you in finding the stone you’re looking for.

WHERE WE ARE BASED?

BHANDARI MARBLE WORLD Based in Kishangarh Rajasthan, India from 1969. We provide all kinds of Natural Stones, Marble, Granite, Sandstone, Limestone and Marble Handicrafts also. We take order online also as per client requirements and provide our best services to them.

Now in this blog we will talk about Top 10 Popular Marble which are in trend right now and we assured you that you will find the best solution of all your questions after checking our Top 10 Marble collection.

1. Statuario White Marble

2. Calacatta White Marble

3. Carrara White Marble

4. Light Emperador Marble

5. Dark Emperador Marble

6. Amazonite Marble

7. Crema Marfil Marble

8. Red Levante Marble

9. Armani Bronze Marble

10. NSL Marble

STATUARIO WHITE MARBLE

Statuario is the most precious marble varieties found in Italy. It has distinctive veining that can range from gold to gray. The price range starting with 350rs/sq ft and above as per whiteness and veins. The reality is that Italian Statuario marble isn't expensive just because it is a luxury item; it is actually a luxury item because of its premium quality. Statuario marble is a more exclusive stone with distinct gray and gold veining throughout and a striking, bold pattern. This marble is considered to be one of the major white marbles. Statuario marble contains heavy, bold gray veining mixed with thinner patterns.

Typical Statuario marble can be identified through a stone surface which is significant because of one bold dark grey vein accompanied by thinner ones.

CALACATTA WHITE MARBLE

It presents a peculiar chromatism, in which an off-white background with very fine light grey streaks is punctuated by tiny amber and golden notes. Calacatta marble starting with range 450rs/sq ft & above as per quality and color. Calacatta Marble is one such marble - a gorgeous, high-end natural stone desirable for its distinctive look and precious rarity for a range of applications. This marble is known for being the most expensive variety, typically sold for about $180 per square foot. It has a noticeable contrast between a white base and dark gray veins. It's also known for its brown and gold undertones.

Calacatta marble is more porous than other types of marble and as a result, more vulnerable to damage. The most common types of damage to Calacatta marble are: Staining. Calacatta marble is mostly white and prone to stains if not properly cared for.

CARRARA WHITE MARBLE

Carrara marble is a type of white or blue-grey marble popular for use in sculpture and building decor. Marble is not the hardest of these stones, however, making it porous and therefore susceptible to staining. Carrara marble requires some maintenance to keep it pristine, though many prefer the gradually aged surface with etches and stains that blend into the grey veins over time.

It usually starts with price 450rs/sqft and above. Carrara marble is often classified as much softer looking than Calacatta because of its subtle light gray veining that can sometimes hue toward blue. Clean the marble with warm water and detergent; don't use soap, as it is fat based and can cause the stone to darken. You can use a cleaner specifically meant for marble or store-bought detergent. Rinse the stone with clean water and then thoroughly dry it with soft cloth.

LIGHT EMPERADOR MARBLE

Light Emperador is a kind of cream brown marble having polished and honed surface finish. This harmonious whole is what makes this material a unique and highly versatile marble in all types of settings. Price starts with 250rs/sqft to 450rs/sqft. Light Emperador marble generally used for flooring but now a days architects used it for making interior classier and more luxurious. Light Emperador marble also known as Super Light Emperador.

It is relatively easy to combine Emperador Light with any other type of material of a different color or nature. This quality is due to a soft tone, which is also able to transmit warmth and comfort to ambiences. Architects and interior designers do not hesitate to make use of this natural stone when creating welcoming ambiences of great beauty, especially when searching for ethnic or colonial surroundings.

DARK EMPERADOR MARBLE

Dark Emperador is an outstanding marble that provides style and distinction. A quality that is highly appreciated by architects and interior designers alike, who use it extensively to create unique, charming environments of unbeatable beauty. Price starting from 350rs/sq ft to 500rs/sq ft. Another prominent feature is that it can be combined with other materials in different tones to achieve distinctive environments. As a matter of example, we can combine with other cream tone materials to achieve a relaxed look.

One of its main advantages is an ability to adapt its natural aspect according to the needs of each.

AMAZONITE MARBLE

Amazonite Marble is a vivid combination of brown, pink and grey colors with Aqua Blue background. Its chaotic and captivating pattern crisscrossed by veins and fissures is truly a unique stone. It is generally starting with 9000rs/sqft. This is one of the expensive and glossy marble also can be used as a granite.

Full of life and color, Amazonite, also known as “Amazon stone,” is a semi opaque blue-green variety of microcline feldspar. Amazonite is a mineral of limited occurrence and is present in parts of Brazil, Colorado and Virginia in the United States, Australia and Madagascar. Naturally, many people assumed the color was due to copper because copper compounds often have blue and green colors. More recent studies suggest that the blue-green color results from small quantities of lead and water in the feldspar.

Amazonite is a mostly opaque stone textured with pale milky-white cloudiness or streaking ranging from light green to greenish blue to deep green/blue. Amazonite’s soft and attractive color closely resembles nephrite and jadeite. Amazonite’s appearance is very distinctive with its grid-like, mottled, green and white pattern. The color of amazonite is due to the presence of lead within the stone and color variation may exist within a single stone.

CREMA MARFIL MARBLE

Talking about Crema Marfil marble means talking about design, architecture and decoration. For this reason, the best-known architects and interior designers in the world use this valuable material in order to create countless projects. Nature has been able to create, over the years, a beautiful and unique material called Crema Marfil. Crema Marfil marble starting with 350rs/sqft and above.

Consequently, we at Bhandari Marble World have tried to maintain the highest standards, taking care of this natural stone in every process, that is, from the blocks extraction to the manufacturing and laying of this material, always having in mind the same idea: to create a unique atmosphere.

RED LEVANTE MARBLE

The Red Levante is a dark red colored marble, with thin to medium grain and strong white vein distributed all over its area. It presents some variations in terms of red color, with some lighter or darker colored reds. The Red Levante is a hard natural stone. Red Levante is not more expensive it come in range of 450rs/sq ft.

This is one of the most beautiful red granite which has been valued for its rich beautiful red color and appearance. It perfectly fits anywhere in the house. This natural stone is highly durable and resistant to water and grease. It has a vast demand in the Indian and international market.

ARMANI BRONZE MARBLE

Now we are coming to Armani Bronze it is come in tone of Brown light and dark. It is uniform colored marble having light veins, it is a Stylish and durable marble stone used for fine projects like flooring and cladding. This marble is available in both marble slabs and tiles. Armani Marble is of vast use for construction and design projects. It is commonly in demand for the countertop, flooring, wall cladding, and stair casing.

Armani Bronze Marble Slabs into three categories according to pattern and color: First, Spider Brown Marble, which has lots of beautiful golden lines and light brown background color. Second, Armani bronze Marble Slab with a medium number of lines Scattered in the surface of marble separately, this sort of Armani Bronze Marble has a medium brown color of the background. The third grade of Armani Bronze Marble has a very dark bronze background, without any gold lines and pure.

ADDED BY EXPERT TEAM OF BHANDARI MARBLE WORLD

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