#but when I try i had a panic attack and left early

[possibilistfanfiction]

Prompt: Vi and gentleness, healing from prison trauma

[give vi seven million hugs!!!!!!!]

//

vi jolts awake next to you; it wakes you up, her panicked breathing coming way too fast.

'hey,' you say, trying your best to be comforting. she's told you some of what her life in prison was like, but she was seventeen — a child — when she went in, and you know that, whatever she's told you, the reality was so, so much worse. 'vi, it's okay.'

she's still panicked, though, pulling at her hair and curled in on herself, her muscles straining hard, sweat soaking down her bare back, shiny against tattoos and scars spread all over her skin. this is the first of her nightmares you'd woken up to; you know she's had them before, because you've woken in the middle of the night to a cold bed and found her on the couch, dark circles under her eyes with some animal documentary playing on mute, scared to fall back asleep.

vi, in the light, is so strong, with her broad shoulders and the serious set of her brow, the way she cares and cares and cares. vi, in the moonlight silvering through the window, in the dark, is small, and terrified.

she flinches away from your touch, still stuck in a different world. you turn on your bedside lamp and try one of the grounding exercises that you use for yourself when you start to spiral. she's reluctant but it's always easier to come back to reality when all you have to do is name four things you can see, or two things you can smell, rather than make sense of the whole present world at once, and so she tries.

her breathing slows and eventually, she deflates enough that she stops looking like she's going to punch through a wall at any given moment. 'sorry,' she croaks as you hand her a glass of water.

you roll your eyes: of course her first impulse would be to apologize after a real honest-to-god panic attack.

'violet,' you say, just that, and she softens even more. 'can i touch you?'

she nods, and your light touch on her shoulder turns into an engulfing hug, her arms wrapping around you tight while she rests her head in the crook of your neck, just trying to steady her breath further. you figured out early on that vi loved physical touch, from everyone she cared about, and it wasn't a mystery as to why. still, to hear her mumble, 'no one touched me gently for five years,' makes you want to cry.

you can cry later, though, because she needs you right now to be strong. 'do you want to talk more about it?'

she sighs. 'can we just... stay like this? just for now?'

you run your hand through her hair, gently brush it back from her face, and kiss the scar through her brow: from a guard's baton, her third night there, you'll learn one day. 'we can stay like this all night, vi,' you promise.

//

vi flops down onto the mat when you get to the climbing gym, closing her eyes and taking a big breath, then letting it out slowly. she had been quiet in the car, but she'd smiled when you put on an old album she loved. you have a standing climbing date every other thursday afternoon, after she has therapy, and usually it only takes her a few minutes to fully come back to you: eventually, she's laughing and smiling like normal, leading the hardest overhangs in the gym with a powerful ease, joking that your knot is dressed to the eights while you do a safety check, kissing your cheek delightedly while you groan.

today, though, she stays quiet and serious. she's still encouraging and respectful, as she always, without fail, is, but she favors her left shoulder — her bad one, which you continue to gently pester her to get looked at — and still climbs the most intense dihedral chimney, holding her arm to her chest when you lower her.

'at least ice that, please,' you ask — a little desperate, a little out of your depth with this heavy and stubborn a mood — when you finish up and head back to your apartment to shower and order food. you debate texting jinx, but you had promised her that vi would be at your place tonight; apparently she and ekko had planned to have a small party and you didn't want to interrupt. vi is your girlfriend, and you can handle it. you want her in your life as long as she'll have you, and so you need to be able to handle it.

vi just grunts and leans her head against the window, flexing her left wrist a few times. you tell her to shower first, and she just nods, doesn't even try to give you any lines to convince you to shower with her. she comes out of the bathroom in boxers and wool hiking socks and one of your soft fleece quarter zips, her favorite on days where the past lingers a little too much. she pulls you in for a gentle kiss — an apology, a thank you — before you head to the bathroom, and when you finish and sit next to where she's curled up on the couch, your hair wrapped in a towel and dressed in your favorite knit palazzo pants and a bra, your glasses on, she sighs.

'hard day in therapy?'

'i — this is the anniversary of the day i went to prison,' she says, quiet, staring off into the corner at nothing. she won't meet your eyes, but of course you don't make her. 'i should've told you.'

'violet.' she accepts your upturned, outstretched palm. 'the only thing i need from you tonight is to stop apologizing. you, today, in this moment, have done absolutely nothing wrong.'

'huh. i'm sor—'

your glare stops her, and you exchange small, amused smiles.

'i'm still getting used to... this, i guess.'

it's been nearly a year, but you don't take offense.

'i talked about you in therapy today,' she continues. 'like, not bad, obviously, just that it's so hard to tell you about, like, the way my—' her voice breaks and she swallows once — 'my parents died, or, how hard it was to try to take care of powd—jinx, or... you know, i was just a kid.'

she's desperately fighting back tears; you scoot closer to her and lift her chin with your finger, gently, to meet your eyes. 'you were a child. none of that should have happened to you.'

she frowns, but a few tears fall freely, and she, thankfully, doesn't try to stop them. 'a lot of it was my fault.'

you shrug. 'maybe you did some stupid things. but so did i, and certainly so did jayce, and all that happened to us was a scolding. i know you know this, but it wasn't fair, or just, or right, what you had to live through because you were a dumb kid, or because you had only impossible choices to make.'

'i swear, you and my therapist are in cahoots.' her voice wobbles but she relaxes, just slightly.

'i have an idea,' you say. you know she doesn't have work tomorrow, and jinx is with ekko all night, and you can take the day off if you need. 'put some pants on.'

//

you lay out the warm blanket you'd brought on the sand; it's freezing, but the spiked hot chocolate you'd put in your to-go mugs is still hot, and vi is like a furnace when you lean into her side. you'd bought this small house on the lake a few months ago, had been waiting until it was finished to surprise vi on vacation. but this was more important: her eyes had gotten big when you'd driven up the long, winding driveway, and she'd reverently said, 'no fucking way, cupcake,' when you'd explained that, really, you hoped it could belong, in all the important ways, to the both of you. an hour and a half drive from the city; the wildflowers and one of her favorite climbing spots only twenty minutes away: a respite, from it all.

'i've never seen this many stars,' she says, awe and grief in the frost of her breath.

you don't say that you've been in more remote places than this together; you just look out over the lake where they reflect back, blinking and shimmering. 'i know your brain and body don't always believe you, and that's okay,' you tell her, 'but you're free, vi.'

she sniffles, and then she nods, and then she laughs. 'my therapist isn't going to believe this.'

you end up laughing too, and you lie back with her on the blanket in the cold, and you teach her constellations. when you look out over the water, the horizon line lost between cosmos and earth, you realize it's the same as your love for her too: endless.

//

'i'm not hungry.'

you roll your eyes. 'you didn't eat lunch.'

'well, i haven't done anything today.' she fusses with the sling her left arm is snugly nestled in; she hurt her shoulder again on a call last night, and it was so bad this time she couldn't hide it from her captain. she's finally agreed to see a specialist next week, if only to stop you from nagging, or so she insisted.

'vi.'

'cait, just, stop.' it's harsh, harsher than she ever really is, and she sighs. 'please.'

you offer your hand quietly and she takes it with her good one. you fight every impulse you have to nag at her, or to offer a million different things for dinner. 'okay.'

she deflates in obvious relief, and you quietly make your way through a few episodes of a show that night until you both wearily head up to your bed. your house is beautiful, and you love sharing a home with her; you turn down the comforter and she tries to get comfortable with her sling, dutifully, still on. her stomach grumbles, and you know she must be starving, but you don't say anything. sometimes she still needs to process in her own time; sometimes her body is still convinced it's just on this edge of surviving.

you let her pretend to be asleep.

in the morning she picks at her breakfast, an egg and cheese with bacon on a roll from the bodgea down the street, her regular favorite. vi is still sweet — she always is, affectionate and bright and devoted and funny — but her smile is only half-hearted and she neatly wraps her sandwich up after she's only finished with half and then places it in the fridge.

you bite your tongue again, because she takes ibuprofen without any reminder and gets her computer set up at the kitchen island; she's doing some work from home, records and order forms, so that she can still help but doesn't actually need to go in today if she was just going to be stuck at a desk anyway.

eventually, you're getting ready to go meet jinx and ekko to have dinner and watch a wnba game at your favorite sports bar; you had spent the day working from home too in your office, occasionally checking on vi but mostly leaving her to her own devices. it's hard, sometimes, not to smother her, but she's her own grown up person, and you know from loving her that whatever's bothering her will, eventually, work its way out.

it does, when you walk into her closet after a light knock on the door and see her in her boxers, sling off, frowning at a pair of jeans with tears in her eyes. they're old, ones she's had the entire time you've known her, a light wash that sits loose and low on her hips, one of the knees tearing over the years. she tries to wipe her cheeks immediately when you walk in, but only ends up wincing and grabbing at her left arm in inescapable pain she can't hide quick enough. instead of asking what's wrong, though, you stay quiet and sit neatly on the little leather bench, pick up the discarded jeans from the floor and fold them neatly.

'they don't — they don't fit anymore,' she says. 'at least, not like they used to.'

it's not hard for you to understand, and it's another layer of grief for her: when you first met vi, she was all muscle, as lean and cut as anyone you'd ever seen. you'd gathered that she grew up with a combination of not having enough food, especially while she was incarcerated, and then being much more worried about jinx eating than herself. you think she enjoys food, and she'll happily cook with you, but left to her own devices, still lives off of protein shakes.

it's hard, to know how to navigate ghosts nestled in her ribs, in her hips, in the tender, torn and frayed ligaments of her shoulder. she sits down next to you. 'well, these were on their way out anyway,' you decide on, hoping a little levity will help her sort through her feelings.

'i — am i still hot?'

it's a question that surprises you, and it surprises her too, based on the look of horror that crosses her face and the way she brings her good hand up to cover her mouth immediately. you try so hard, but you can't fully fight the laugh that bubbles out of you, and vi shoves you weakly with a whine but she starts, after a few seconds, laughing too.

'darling,' you say, relieved to see a real smile on her face, even if she's turned red in embarrassment, 'you're so hot. so unbelievably sexy.' you run your hand through her hair. 'even with this less-than-ideal mullet monstrosity you've chosen at the moment.'

she rolls her eyes. 'it's in right now.'

you shake your head, but it's all so fond, all so warm. you trace the strong line of her thigh, make a little swirl with your finger in the hair along her knee. 'these are so sexy.' you lean over to kiss her good shoulder, its broad expanse, and then tap along her bicep, not as lean as it used to be, but still defined and so, so strong. 'these too.' you touch her cheeks, slightly fuller, and kiss the freckles on her nose, which makes her smile. 'you know i love these.' and there's a layer of fat now, over what used to be the most intimidatingly shredded abs you'd ever seen; there's a line of defined muscle down vi's stomach still, but not the same as the eight pack that used to sit prominently. 'this might be my favorite part, though,' you tell her, and lay your hand there, run your thumb along the soft trail of hair that runs from below her boxers to her belly button.

'there's... there's no way.'

there's a million quips you could make, and you sense that this is going to take more therapy, more tough choices, more bad days, to really sort through. vi has always needed to be the strongest and fastest and fittest in the room; it's the way she survived, the way she made it out of what is truly a hell still alive. so instead, you just answer honestly: 'you're healthy.'

it seems to occur to her, all at once, that maybe that's true: she climbs better than she ever has, and she still sets new records at the fire department for strength and conditioning not infrequently; she's been sleeping through the night more often, and, during the good patches of time that stretch further and further without interruption, she tries all kinds of different foods with you, more adventurous than you'll ever be, and enjoys telling you her favorite parts. not for nothing, either, but she drinks enough actual water, not just protein shakes and a sip from a water fountain at the gym at the end of every session.

'i — i'm not used to it.'

she doesn't sound nearly as upset as before, mostly confused and a little curious. you play your knuckles against her ribs lightly, still pressing into her skin when she breathes, but not fully visible like before. 'this? or eating enough food without thinking about it?'

she laces her fingers with yours. 'i guess, both? i wasn't thinking a lot about it, but now i can't climb or lift and, well, i just. food was calories, and i wasn't burning as many, and then, well.' she sighs and meets your eyes. 'i'm still kind of confused, to be honest. there's a lot going on.'

'you've got time to figure it out,' you assure. 'and, according to your sister,' you hold up your phone and read off jinx's text, just ordered wings, sliders, jalapeño poppers, loaded fries, brussels sprouts, and a pitcher for everyone so pls finish up whatever u two are doing (no details!!!!) bc i am NOT paying for all that :) xoxo

vi laughs, deep and real this time, and brings her hand up to hold your jaw in her palm. 'thank you.'

'there's no need. you really are the hottest you've ever been.'

she blushes. 'still, cait. thank you.'

you nod; you'll accept it for now. she gets dressed in a relatively new pair of thick cotton barrel pants she loves, ones you’d shopped for together, and puts on a beanie just to humor you; you kiss her for it even when she rolls her eyes at your clear delight.

you meet your family — hers, at first, sure, but yours too, a collective — at the bar, and of course, you do pay, and jinx toasts to your black card, and you roll your eyes but you laugh too. your home team wins and vi's favorite player gets a triple-double and when you get home later, full and a little tipsy, you're careful of her shoulder but you still show her all the ways you think she's sexy, and wonderful, and hot as hell.

when you wake up the next morning, she's still sound asleep next to you, naked and absolutely gorgeous. you, allegedly, were supposed to meet jayce for a run, but you text him for a raincheck. instead, you curl into her strong, capable side, and decide to let you both rest a little longer.

[boomalope-pope]

It sucks how much of the human experience is tied up in our collective consciousness and the interactions we have with one another and yet knowing that, how I still end up having a panic attack outside the bar if I try heading to a local meetup for something I'm interested in.

[lovieku]

TRUE LOVE ⋆ 정국

when you and jeon jeongguk's paths cross again, you question if having a crush on the school's emo and alternative boy was really just a phase, or if it was true love after all.

⋆⁺₊❅. 5/6 from christmas & chill

pairing tattoo artist!jk x fem reader

genre fluff, smut, grumpy & sunshine, somewhat f2l

warnings jk 24 | oc 24, jk thinks he’s too cool for love, oc suffers from a chronic case of “i can fix him”, she eventually does, oc simps HARDDD and jk only pretends to be unaffected, yea he’s a bit of a dick sometimes but he’s also Very funny, brief description of panic attacks, male masturbation, kissing, idk what else to add i just rly rly love them and will think of them for the entirety of xmas season

word count 10.2k

author’s note hi lovies 🩷 it’s my last time with c&c 🙁 i’m kinda emotional omg… it’s been such a fun, warm and lovely week, and i love each one of you for showing endless support to this project <33 i’ll keep trying to not disappoint… please tell me if you like this!!! thank u always and always 🩷 luv u <3

banner by the gorgeous @awrkive ⊹₊⟡⋆

On the first day of December, your path crosses with thee Jeon Jeongguk’s after enough years for your brain to trip slightly before recognising him. But it would have been impossible not to—there’s likely a whole, well-preserved section of your thinking organ dedicated to that mortifying phase of high school, when your hormones turned life into an endless internal tug-of-war.

The moment your eyes widen at having him stand in front of you, you’re yanked unceremoniously into the past, brought back to buried, locked and left to gather dust feelings that have your teenage self’s screams echoing within you in a chorus of delight and cringe.

Jeongguk, on the other hand, is simply following his duties as a tattoo artist. When he catches sight of you next to his appointed client on such a breezy day, the cold December air starting to find its space even in the confines of his studio, he only nods his chin upward at you in slow recognition.

It’s awkward, at first. Only because you make it.

You’d volunteered to accompany Eunbi, your best friend, to get her first tattoo as an early Christmas self-gift. Your mission was clear: support her, hold her hand if the pain became unbearable (though you’re probably the least dependable person when it comes to making clarity in situations of panic, as seen right now), and be the first to bask in her excitement as she finally sees what she’s always pictured to be inked on the skin of her forearm. A blue whale tattoo, large enough to make you wince just thinking about the needlework.

You’d never go through something like that. Never.

And that’s exactly what’s showing on your face when you’re met with Jeongguk’s full sleeve of tattoos, leaving you rooted to the spot.

You’d always known him to be the different kid, the quiet one with forced sharp eyes that canonically listened to alternative rock and glared at anyone who dared approach, whether to tease him or befriend him. He’d convinced himself that no one could ever understand him.

See, you’d instead fooled yourself into thinking you were the exception. That you did understand him.

Fourteen-year-old you had gone through some weird phases, and the one that resurfaces now at the vision of his adult self is the one centered entirely around him. You unashamedly had the biggest crush on Jeongguk. To you, he was mysterious and edgy—in an effortlessly cool way.

You’d tried everything. Offered him your lunch more times than you were left with any for yourself. Even cut your bangs to have them fall over your eyes to mimic his fringe, dyed a strand in blue, overhauled your wardrobe to align with his back-and-grey one. None of it worked. He never noticed.

But, thinking of it now, there’s no way he didn't. He definitely did. How could any boy turn a blind eye to a lovesick girl’s heartfelt Valentine’s letter, a hopeless romantic girl who almost cried on the spot when she got rejected? Jeongguk just chose to willingly ignore it.

These are all valid reasons as to why your functions seem to slow down in his unexpected presence. And you’re not going to deny nor fake that his calm, almost detached demeanor doesn’t flow through your body and right to your left eye, making it twitch with a slight tremor.

Yet, you must also admit that your teenage self was onto something. Jeongguk has changed drastically but he’s also stayed the same. You think fourteen-year-old him would be proud of where he is right now. Two piercings on his lower lip and one on his eyebrow, intricate ink tracing up his muscled arm, his… muscled arms. Wow. And then, his studio. His own studio, a place for him and his passion, one that he made into his job. That��s undeniably cool.

Maybe just not cool enough for you to be gaping like an idiot as he moves with purpose, adjusting your friend’s arm to position the stencil he had prepared, perfectly fitting in the space she had chosen. His muscles flex with every shift, and it’s impossible for you to go past that with the way the black beater he’s wearing is loose on his torso, but still clinging on his chest.

Eunbi notices, of course. You don’t have time to feel embarrassed and in return she doesn’t even try to hide her amusement when your usual chatter dries up entirely, only gulping obnoxiously noisily and alternating that with nervous silences. Jeongguk, too, catches on.

He’d always known you as obnoxious and noisy. In, huh, a good way. Or whatever.

Jeongguk just agrees that you were (and probably still are, if the pastel yellow skirt softly flowing down your legs paired with a cozy cream sweater and the full toothed grin you shoot at your friend are any indicators) the pinpoint embodiment of his opposite. You’ve always been talkative, smiley, and friendly, eager to help and to receive help, not in the slightest ever turning down the opportunity to blabber on, and on, and on.

Honestly, Jeongguk doesn’t think he ever truly listened to a single word of your rambling back in the day, especially during those times when you’d bounce up to him and launch into enthusiastic rants about obscure alternative bands he himself hadn’t even heard of. He respected the hustle, though. He’d always wondered where you found the time and energy to immerse yourself in music like that.

He much preferred when you were less trying so hard to be him and mirror his tastes, more when you gave up on impressing him and simply stayed true to yourself, the girl whose heart belonged to Justin Bieber and One Direction. Truthfully, he fucked with them. Not that he’d ever admit it, of course. His quiet, brooding image wouldn’t survive that revelation.

What he respected the most was your resilience. After all the times he rejected you and your awkward blurts of confessions, you still didn’t think it was enough of a reason for your villain origin story to take off, and instead remained the same frustratingly positive ray of sunshine you’d always been.

Now, as Jeongguk works on the tattoo in front of him, the very design that caused all these long-buried memories to rise back, his dark eyes flick toward you sitting on a stool in a near corner every now and then, a hint of confusion in his expression each time you take more than five seconds to reply to his small talk.

It’s just, you’re a bit taken aback. Since when does he do small talk? The foreign smoothness with which Jeongguk handles interactions is so far removed from the sullen boy you used to know. You’re not prepared for this version of him. It’s disarming, to say the least.

Enough time has passed for you to settle into the odd scenario, your current best friend and your long-standing high school crush in the same room. Slowly but surely, your curiosity sparkles again, and the signature tendency to let thoughts tumble out of your mouth unchecked returns to you naturally.

“Ouch, that looks painful.”

Jeongguk snorts, eyes trained on Eunbi’s arm as he glides the tattoo needle with precise strokes that have his brows pinching and the tip of his tongue peeking out from the corner of his lips, a habit you remember from the past but one you’ve never found quite so distracting before.

Still, he multitasks and responds without missing a beat, “Wanna try?”

Wow. This is, like, the longest conversation you’ve ever had with him. It spurs you on to do anything it takes to hear more of his voice, the sound of it definitely deeper than the shy tones you struggled to coax out of him ten years ago.

That is probably why you literally lie, “Hm. Maybe. I was thinking of getting one actually. In the future.”

Eunbi chokes on her spit, her chest coughing with the sudden, blatantly fake revelation, and Jeongguk promptly pauses, lifting the needle from her skin as his tattooist reflexes kick in. While your friend apologizes between a clearing of her throat and sinks back into the chair, she doesn’t keep from glaring at you, her expression screaming What the hell are you doing?

You deadpan. You’ll explain everything later and it’ll all make sense. And you know this will inevitably end up being added to the list of the many embarrassing facts she knows about you and threatens you with when she wants to go clubbing and you don’t.

Jeongguk uses the brief interruption to glance up at where you’re perched in the corner of his peripheral vision, just to square you up and down with a skeptical arch of his brow, “Really?”

You scoff, smoothing out the creases on your skirt as if the fabric is somehow responsible for the lie you just told, “Is that shocking?”

He hums, returning to his work with the buzz of the needle filling the studio again, his voice padded the more he gets closer to Eunbi’s forearm, “I just find it hard to believe such a princess like you could handle any pain.”

You gulp.

What you’re getting from this conversation is that Jeongguk has always had an idea of who you are in his mind all along. That he’s always perceived you in some way. As much as your inner fourteen-year-old is swooning at the attention, gobbling up each of the tiny crumbles he’s giving you, it doesn’t sit right with you. What exactly does he think of you?

“Test me.”

He shrugs, eyes fixated on the shade he’s perfectioning with black ink, “Busy now.”

“I’ll go pay for mine. I saw you have one last free spot today,” you announce, the words tumbling out with more confidence than you feel. You’re already on your feet before the sentence is fully formed, betraying the fact that your nosy tendencies had gotten the better of you earlier. You’d discreetly glanced at his appointment book when Jeongguk and Eunbi were finalizing her tattoo details and negotiating the final price at the desk.

He hums, head tilting slightly, “And I wanted to spend it bumming around.”

“Too bad. You’ll have to postpone that.”

You walked into this studio swearing you’d never let a needle even brush you.

Now you’re stretched out on a leather bench, Jeongguk leaning over you with a stencil in hand, gloved fingers moving with careful precision.

The design you’d chosen came from his portfolio—a delicate illustration of two butterflies in motion, their soft threads intertwining. You’d flipped through countless pages of bold skulls and intricate linework before settling on this.

The spot you’d chosen for the tattoo was the flat, firm plane between your breasts. It wasn’t a conscious decision, just a place you’d always liked. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that nature hadn’t exactly blessed you in the cleavage department. Subconsciously, perhaps, you thought that adding something there might give the illusion of more.

“Tehe,” you can’t stop the breathy giggle that escapes as the cool paper brushes against your skin. Your hand is pressed to your bra, holding it in place as best you can, though the situation feels so surreal it’s hard to focus on anything but the ridiculousness of it all.

Jeongguk glances up at you with a glare that’s more exasperated than angry before returning to the delicate task at hand, “What’s funny?”

Your voice wobbles, “I just— I tend to laugh during serious moments.”

“Oh. Weird.”

“Sorry.”

With a small sigh, he smooths the stencil, and once it’s transferred he hands you a square mirror, waiting for your approval. You nod, the butterflies now perfectly poised in their eternal dance, and Jeongguk doesn’t waste a moment.

The buzz of the needle fills the room as he leans closer, one gloved hand resting on the upper part of your chest to steady himself. He’s mere seconds from beginning the inking process when another laugh bubbles out of you.

Jeongguk sits back abruptly, dropping his pen onto the metal tray with an audible clink. Tilting his head, he levels you with a look of thinly veiled irritation. “I really can’t work if your chest keeps moving.”

“Sorry,” you blurt again, turning your head to face the wall. You clamp your lips together tightly, mentally scrolling through every sad memory you can conjure. Think of something awful. Your childhood dog dying. Okay, maybe not that sad—

“You haven’t changed a bit since high school. Always smiling like you live surrounded by flowers and rainbows,” Jeongguk’s mutter vibrates against your chest, warm breath fanning over the cold skin, distracting you from your no-giggling mission.

The unexpected observation has your brows furrowing in a mildly offended frown, and banter is ready on your tongue. “You’re just the same too, Gguk. The emo boy who thinks he’s too cool for a smile.”

“I’m not an emo boy. The fuck,” he scoffs, kissing his teeth and murmuring more of his indignation under his breath.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night. I can teach you.”

The whirring needle glides across your skin with a slightly firmer touch, making you hiss softly under your breath. He seems unbothered by the reaction, and instead bothered by your words, “Teach me what.”

“How to smile a bit more,” you reply, your voice laced with mockery as you keep your gaze firmly fixed on the wall. The smirk playing on your lips is triumphant; he walked right into your little jab, hehe.

Your mind is already racing, piecing together the beginning of a sarcastic rant about how his perpetual scowl probably contributed to his mysterious high school persona. For the sake of his ego, you won’t add how it worked in his favor, how more than one girl (your own self) found his untouchable vibe completely irresistible.

Even though, thinking back, he looked ridiculous. His big, round, slightly scared-of-the-world eyes truly didn’t belong with the heavy black eyeliner.

But before you can get a single word out, Jeongguk straightens his posture, pulling away from your chest. With a practiced motion, he tosses one of his gloves onto the counter behind him, his expression cool and indifferent. “It’s done.”

“Done?!” you exclaim, tilting your chin down to look at your chest. You go slightly cross-eyed trying to catch a glimpse of the design now inked onto your skin. Forever.

“Yes.”

“I didn’t even feel it.”

Jeongguk seems equally done with small talk, transitioning into a professional explanation of the tattoo’s aftercare step. His tone is calm but clipped, and you can’t tell if it’s his usual demeanor or just reserved for you. He also hands you a small tube of cream of which you’re not sure the use of, too enthralled by the vision of his colored sleeve this up close.

And still laying on the leather bed, you almost reach to trace one of the many lines with your finger before he interrupts, “You can pay with Yoongi at the entrance.”

Clearing your throat, you sit up, brushing imaginary dust off your skirt as Jeongguk turns his back to you, his focus already back on cleaning his tools. You still are not over, “Thank you, Jeongguk. Can I— huh. Can I get your number?”

He pauses mid-motion, just long enough for the silence to stretch thin and taut. Turning around to study your features, he stares you up and down with knitted brows and a hostile kind of confusion painting his expression. “… For what exactly?”

“In case anything happens with the tattoo.”

Jeongguk stills for a second, eyes narrowing slightly, then turns back to what’s keeping him so occupied with a noncommittal grunt, “Huh. Sure. Yoongi has my business cards at the desk. You can ask him. Have a good day.”

With Eunbi practically dragging you out of the room, you don’t have the chance to say anything more, though your chest burns with indignation. It’s not that you expect him to fall over himself at the chance to catch up, but the sheer indifference is maddening.

Should you pretend you don’t care either? You could. But really, who are you fooling? You still have those old diaries buried somewhere in your closet, their pages crammed with his name written in looping, lovesick cursive. That little girl in you never truly died.

On the fourth day of December, you finally text him. It’s about your tattoo, of course. There’s not much else to say to him, but when his only reply to your picture of the healing process is a yellow thumbs up, you find your fingers hovering over the keyboard. Words start forming before you’ve fully processed them, and before you know it, you hit send.

You [3:39 p.m]: btw u still friends with kim tae?

jeongguk [3:42 p.m.]: Yes

jeongguk [3:42 p.m.]: He’s my best friend

You [3:43 p.m.]: ohhh, cool

jeongguk [3:45 p.m.]: You want his number?

You [3:46 p.m.]: no… i’m good with yours ☺️

You can’t help but giggle at how his typing bubbles appear and then fade for a whole minute, biting your lower lip with a sheepish grin, savoring the silent victory. You’re doing this for your fourteen-year-old self, who would’ve squealed at the thought of making Jeon Jeongguk flustered. But you’re a different girl now. You’ve changed. No man could ever reject—

jeongguk [3:48 p.m.]: If there’s nothing else about the tattoo then 👋

“Hmph,” your frown is so pronounced that you feel your chin aching and your wrinkles prematurely deepening. Well, this is not the first time you come face first with his sour antics. Only now, you’re prepared.

You [3:48 p.m.]: yall hanging out soon? let me join

jeongguk [3:49 p.m.]: Why lol

jeongguk [3:49 p.m.]: He barely even remembers you probs

You [3:50 p.m.]: who would not remember me

jeongguk [3:50 p.m.]: The only thing i’m now remembering about you is how I couldn’t stand your ass

You gasp, hand coming up to brush against your parted lips. With a huff, you hastily click at your keyboard, “Mean. Sent. Ugh.”

On the sixth day of December, your persistence pays off, and you find yourself at a random bar you’d never been to before, seated with both Jeongguk and Taehyung.

Between Jeongguk’s cigarette breaks—forcing the three of you to brave the cold outside—and brief moments in corners of the cramped place where the music feels muffled against the walls, you manage to catch up with Taehyung. The rest of the time though, the noise inside is so deafening that it makes any kind of meaningful conversation impossible.

Even more when a random girl slides into the booth next to him, capturing his attention entirely, leaving you and Jeongguk in paradoxical silence.

The tattoo artist has been glued to his phone with his head down for the last 20 minutes, and now you alternate between observing his side profile, roughened by the piercings and a more defined jawline, and analysing the weird dynamic that is beginning to form between Taehyung and the girl, sitting in front of you.

Alone with your thoughts and, well, the pulsating music, you feel yourself getting unreasonably closer to symptoms you know all too well, that threaten to have you spiraling. You shake your head, forcing it to stop. There’s no reason for anxiety to visit you at such an inconvenient time.

But of course, the little voice in your head starts listing all the totally valid motives why this is indeed the perfect time for it to visit you.

The bar feels suffocating on your skin.

Your dress clings too tightly.

The couple facing you is shamelessly close to making out.

Jeongguk sighs in visible boredom.

You shouldn’t have come. Hell, you shouldn't have suggested it in the first place. A smarter version of yourself would have brought Eunbi for balance, for comfort. But in your foolishness, you thought this could be an opportunity for you and Jeongguk to catch up. Instead, you feel foreign to him, foreign to this pub booth, and the air begins to feel foreign to your lungs. You’ve never liked bars, clubs, or places with loud music.

You sniffle, looking down at your lap. Then up at the ceiling. Then around the room. It keeps spinning and booming with volume that only adds to the feeling of helplessness. Quick, quick, quick.

What are five things that you can see?

Five. Your gaze falls on Taehyung and the girl, their lips and tongues clumsily entangled as they laugh between sloppy kisses. No help there. The air catches harder in your throat.

Four. Your empty glass, its smudged rim a reminder of the single drink you had, now sitting uncomfortably in your stomach.

Three. Your scuffed heels, their tips worn to the nub despite your best efforts to hide it with a marker.

Two. The swirling lights above the bar, dizzying as they flash brighter and brighter.

One. Jeongguk’s tattooed hand on your thigh.

His fingers dig into the skin, shaking you alarmedly, with a force you’ve never known from him, not even when it came to stopping your shaking stomach as you were laying on the studio’s leather bed.

Head snapping up to face him, you’re met with a perfect resemblance of how you must look right now. Wide eyes, knitted brows, nose flaring and exhaling, and you try to follow the movements of his mouth, but they jumble together annoyingly in your brain. You lean closer, narrowed orbs still fixated on his lips to try and read them. Are… you… ok—

“___, you’re scaring me. Hey, hello? Are you okay?”

Jeongguk moves from your thigh to your shoulders, jolting you gently but firmly from the fog that is threatening to cloud up your brain. The sudden clarity hits you, but you still stumble forward, your weight toppling over his chest. With it, your head dips rapidly, hurtling toward the sharp edge of the table, and before Jeongguk knows it his instinct snaps and he catches you promptly.

The next steps blur together. You vaguely register the boy next to you standing up and pulling you along with him, his broad shoulders supporting one of your arms while his inked one secures around the small of your waist, holding you firmly against him.

Then, it’s nothing but brief flashes. Jeongguk pressing a water bottle to your lips. Sitting you down on the stairs outside the pub. Holding your hair back as you double over, emptying the contents of your stomach onto the pavement. Cracking a smile to make you laugh, showing off his tattoos in exaggerated detail like it’s the grandest tour of your life. Opening the door to his car and gently easing you into the passenger seat, ensuring the seatbelt clicks into place.

Inside his car, you slowly feel your senses come back to you.

At a redlight that you recognise as the one near your apartment complex, you muster a small and hoarse thank you. Jeongguk only hums low, eyes fixated on the road and fingers drumming lightly on the steering wheel.

Before a sheepish smile can make its way on your lips and spread across your face, your head twitches back as your brows furrow. Your thoughts suddenly catch up with you, “Hey, how do you know the way to my flat?”

His gaze briefly flicks toward you in annoyance, then back to the road. “You literally just told me.”

“Oh.” A beat passes before you giggle softly. “Don’t remember.”

Jeongguk mutters something intelligible under his breath, and next thing you know he’s turning down your street and slowing in front of the building that matches the number you gave him. Given your current state, he begins to question if that is even the right one.

“This one!” You point at the tall front gate with an almost childlike excitement, back shifting slightly from the seat as your grin stretches wide. Jeongguk grimaces. Why the fuck do you look like you’ve been reuinted with your home after years apart, as if you weren’t there just a couple hours ago?

“Right. Huh, you good with going back on your own?”

“Yes. I’d hate to bother you further. I’m sorry for this, I… was getting better, I guess.”

The sad confession doesn’t land with the weight it should, softened by the smile painted on your lips and the chuckle you let out as if it were nothing. Jeongguk’s eyelid twitches, unsettled by the unnecessary happiness that always seems to drip from you, even when it doesn’t belong.

“‘S okay. Have a good night,” he awkwardly bows his head, waiting for you to exit the car. When you stay still, he clears his throat, adding just to fill the silence, and perhaps because he means it, “Huh, and make sure to rest a lot.”

You take a moment, maybe longer than you should, to study his features up this close. You particularly fixate on the way his eyes dart everywhere but never land on yours. Then, with your signature toothy grin, you bow back and open the car door, leaving with a string of thank yous, and get home safe, and I’ll text you, and please, reply to me, and bye.

Jeongguk has to fight a smile of his own.

On the tenth day of December, you realise you want him. Even more badly than your fourteen-year-old self ever did. Which is frankly insane.

You don’t know if it was the natural way he looked after you during your episode, or his dry sarcasm as he actually started replying to your random updates throughout the day.

But no, it was definitely the selfie he sent you after what he said was a long day. Messy hair, tired eyes, a hint of a smile. You’d struggled to even gulp down your saliva when the picture popped up in your chat, and maniacally stared at it with eyes glued to the bright screen before sending one of your own. He had replied with Cute. followed by Your hair pin is cute.

That is why you find yourself facing… Yoongi? If you remember correctly. The guy at the front desk of Jeongguk’s studio.

You beam at him, and what you’re met with instead is a confused stare. You inhale, “Hi. Is Jeongguk in?”

Yoongi scratches his head, muttering, “He’s busy with a client.”

“Oh. It’s okay,” you wave off his concern. “Can I wait here?”

The boy hesitates, looks unsure the more your interaction develops, and he glances between you and the empty waiting area. He relents with furrowed brows, “Sure… Huh, It’s a back tattoo, so it’ll take him a while.”

You shrug and plop yourself onto the leather sofa, seemingly unfazed, “I like waiting.”

Crossing your legs, you take in the studio’s atmosphere, eyes drifting to the dark walls lined with framed artwork and certificates. You spot Jeongguk’s name on many of those.

For the next fifteen minutes, you try distracting yourself by flipping through the stack of tattoo magazines on the coffee table. You wince at inked heads, faces, butts, and even… more private parts. Deciding this world is definitely not for you, you slam the book shut.

By the time an hour passes, you’re fighting a battle with your lack of sleep. The third yawn you manage to stifle, but the fourth escapes before you can stop it. Yoongi, seated at the desk, doesn’t bother hiding his unimpressed stare. Still, he’s polite enough to offer you a glass of water, a coffee, or even a chance to join him for a cigarette break.

You decline all of it, though your throat does feel dry.

Maybe you should have planned this with a bit of rationality. Or at least gotten more sleep. Now, your every blink is slower, eyelids batting to shut and taking longer to flutter open again. Hm, this feels nice. You’ll just let them rest for a bit longer. And longer. And a bit more.

The next time you open your eyes, Jeongguk’s face is inches away, his warm hand resting firmly on your arm. You jolt upright with a startled yelp.

“Jeongguk.”

He raises an eyebrow, the corner of his mouth quirking up in an unmistakably mocking smirk. “Hey. You don’t have a bed?”

You sit up, forcing Jeongguk to step back and straighten to his full height. Your neck cranes upward to glare at him, brows furrowed in what you hope is an intimidating glare, though you sport a pout that is all but menacing, “Shut up.”

He clicks his tongue, turning back to round the desk and fiddle with the appointment book, clearly unbothered. You take the moment to rub your eyes—only to remember, too late, that you’d worn makeup. A quick glance around reveals how much has changed since you last let your eyelids flutter open. The lights in the studio are dim, the hallway is dark, and every door is shut. Yoongi is nowhere in sight. It’s just the two of you in the deathly quiet space.

You gasp, pressing a hand to your parted lips, “Did I fall asleep? I'm so sorry. I was probably really tired from yesterday.”

Jeongguk hums, focus still locked on the book in front of him, eyes narrowed. He doesn’t look up, doesn’t ask why you came here in the first place, and doesn’t acknowledge your apology. Ugh. This is humiliating.

Before you can stand, you feel something heavy draped over your body. It’s a jacket. Definitely not yours, since you never took it off. At least not consciously. No, this is a worn black leather one on which his scent lingers. You tug it closer, puzzled, and then look up at him, holding it out. “Did I steal this in my sleep?”

Jeongguk scrunches his nose, “Ew, are you a sleepwalker?” Locking the till, he strolls over to you and plucks the jacket from you, casually slipping it on. “No, I put it on you. Wanted to see how long someone could feel safe enough to pass out in my studio. Thinking of turning this place into a daycare. I’ll have you play in the morning, get some lunch, nap time...”

There’s a beat of silence in which his sarcasm lingers in the air, and you stare at him, unamused. He shrugs, smirk unwavering.

You huff, “I regret coming here.”

“Yeah, why did you come here?”

Smoothing down your pink wool sweater, you stand up to stretch with zero shame. Then, fluttering your lashes at him, you assert with a smile, “You’re coming with me to the Christmas markets. This Sunday.”

Jeongguk groans like the idea physically pains him, “Oh, I would fucking hate that.”

Ignoring him, you zip up your puffer jacket and rock on your toes, “Pick me up at seven, okay?”

He glares, unimpressed at your excitement, before heading toward the entrance and pulling a hefty set of keys from his pocket, “I don’t even remember where you live.”

You hurry after him, following him outside and shuffling closer in your coat at the cold air hitting you. Watching as he locks the door and pulls down the rolling shutter with its red-and-black skull graffiti, you chirp, “You’ll have to text me for that.”

Jeongguk rises up again, giving you a slow once-over. He seems distracted by your hair before snorting, “You’re talking like I’m the one who spent their afternoon napping in my studio just to drop this bomb and leave. Couldn’t you just text me this?”

You shrug innocently. He sighs, reaching out for you, “Do you need a ride hom—”

“Bye!”

You spin on your heel and skip off in the opposite direction before he can let his own greeting out, waving a gloved hand behind you. Jeongguk stays where he is, arm still held out.

Do you even have a car? He hopes so—it’s freezing out.

With another sigh, he shakes his head and tugs his jacket tighter around himself. Why are you so fucking weird?

On the fourteenth day of December, your arm is looped tightly through Jeongguk’s as you stroll through the Christmas markets, burying your face further in your scarf to shield against the icy air, and with each few step you gasp at things that the boy next to you finds utterly unimpressive.

You stop at nearly every stand, eyes glowing with the warm Christmas fairy lights strung all around, effortlessly picking up conversations with the vendors and melting even the most stoic faces with the scrunching of your nose at every grin and the exaggerated nods following descriptions of their crafts.

Through all of it, Jeongguk remains put at your side, his arm linked with yours and a subtle pout on his lips. When you tease him about it, he simply shrugs, and you figure it’s just his natural expression. You find that oddly endearing.

He still humors your enthusiasm, offering low hums or murmured praise whenever you exclaim you’ve finally found what you’ve been searching for everywhere, and he offers to pay every time, the gesture so casual that he doesn’t seem bothered by it in the slightest.

When you bow to the nth seller, clutching yet another bag of sweet treats tightly to your chest, Jeongguk exhales and resumes slow walking beside you, “I don't like these places.”

You glance up at him, fluffy hat almost slipping off before he promptly secures it back on your head with a gesture so smooth you hardly notice it. You instead wonder, “Then why are we here now?”

He slips his hand into his pocket, “Because you threatened me.”

“With a really good time.”

“If this is your version of a good time, you might as well kick me in the balls. That probably feels better.”

You gasp, halting in your tracks to glare at him. When he lets a small chuckle topple out of him, you think you might forgive him. No, you’re more than sure with the way his smile lingers. You sheepishly look away, muttering, “Don’t tempt me, emo boy.”

“I’m not—”

“Oh yes, you are,” you interrupt, snapping your face back to his. Clearing your throat, you prepare your best imitation of him, exaggerating a frown and lowering your voice, “I’m so different, I hate Christmas.”

Jeongguk scoffs, pulling you tighter to him when a scooter unexpectedly zips past you. You yelp, instinctively shuffling closer to his arm. He continues the conversation casually, unaffected, “That’s the worst impression of me I’ve ever heard. And also, I never said that.”

Releasing the breath you held for a moment too long, you uncertainly keep your slow stroll going, only narrowing your orbs at him, “It’s written all over your face.”

“I love Christmas.”

The admission is small, his voice soft and almost reluctant, like it pains him to reveal something so simple and obvious as loving Christmas. When you lean your chin on the puffed arm of his jacket, he doesn’t look down at you, his gaze fixed ahead, guiding the two of you through the chaos of the busy street.

You chirp, your steps stumbling, “Really?

Only then he shifts his attention to you, steadying you with his other arm wrapping around your figure in what seems like a hug, before he lifts you up by the neck of your coat and retreats just enough to face you. His lips press into a straight line as he nods, a flicker of vulnerability in his eyes the more he stares in yours, “Yeah, really. I just don’t like… crowded spaces.”

You can’t help but think back to what happened just a week ago. The exact reason why the spirals in your brain wouldn’t stop twisting and tangling is now slipping from his lips in a voice that quietens as he seems to grasp the delicacy of his own confession.

He doesn’t like the way you’re looking at him. Drawn-up brows over wide and sparkling eyes—the only part of your face visible beneath your scarf—stare at him with something too tender, too focused, that makes him uneasy. He turns his head to the side, the tips of his ears red not only from the cold, and pulls you along toward another stand, an almost nervous distraction.

It’s your turn to frown. Maybe the one that’s permanently plastered on his face tonight isn’t just a reflection of his usual sullen demeanor. With a knot tightening in your chest, you can’t help but feel like you dragged him into something he truly hated, and that he wasn’t just pretending to.

What if this isn’t just your evil inner voice talking? What if this isn’t just overthinking, but the factual truth of your current reality? He’s hating every second of this but still enduring it because— you catch your breath with a long and strained inhale, because—

“Hey, dimples. You okay?”

Jeongguk moves to stand in front of you, his hands settling gently on your shoulders, a stance eerily reminiscent of that night you were just thinking back to. He nods at you, “Breathe with me, hm?”

You find yourself quickly adjusting to his comforting aura, drawn in by the reassurance in his eyes trained on you, never wavering, watching closely as you begin to mirror the measured rise and fall of his chest, your breathing gradually syncing with his until the tightness in your chest starts to ease.

When you feel your feet touching the ground again, you offer a small, apologetic smile. “I’m okay. Sorry. Just…” You quickly scan your surroundings, eyes landing on a colorful stand, “Wait here a second, okay?”

Jeongguk lets you slip away, fingers twitching slightly at his sides. He takes a few hesitant steps closer, careful not to crowd you but unable to tear his eyes away from your next actions, how your grin comes back on your lips with unpracticed ease, lighting up your face as easy talk flows between you and the seller. A few coins trade hands, and soon you’re holding two churros, their chocolate-dipped ends threatening to drip onto the ground.

You don’t hesitate, biting into one of them before it has the chance to make a mess, and with a quick nod of your head you motion for Jeongguk to follow. He does so, only after taking the churros from your hands, and letting you seek his warmth again with an arm snaking under his. He’s only letting you do this because it’s fucking cold, no other reason.

You walk, and walk, guiding him along until you find a quieter corner, away from the bustle, where you two stand isolated from the rest. The dim lighting casts a softer glow, and the distant hum of chatter and music fades into a gentle background noise.

Glancing up at him, you flash a playful smile before leaning in to bite another chunk of the churro he’s holding, your laughter spilling out as he grimaces in exaggerated disgust and pulls the sweet out of your reach. You settle onto a nearby bench, patting the empty spot beside you invitingly.

Jeongguk is unsure of what this means. He takes slow steps towards you, handing you your churro—which you take eagerly, already chewing on it—before tilting his head back in mild confusion, “But… you wanted to visit the markets.”

You shake your head, your bug eyes meeting his as you speak around a mouthful of sugar and chocolate, “There’s no point if you’re not going to enjoy it.”

The look you’re giving him is one he’s seen countless times before—familiar, and annoyingly reminiscent of ten years ago. It’s the same look that, he’s convinced, is solely responsible for making his knees weak and his fingers jittery, no longer something he can blame on the cold. You’re unbelievably frustrating.

He clicks his tongue, looking away, “You’re fucking weird.”

You giggle, humming, “If weird is a synonym for whipped, then sure.”

He has to fight the twitch of his lips. Fakes a gag instead. You chuckle louder. Only then, he hints at a smile, “C’mon. Let’s go check out some other stuff.”

“But—”

He interrupts, pulling you up by your forearm, “I’m hungry.”

The next hour you spend wandering around is made of Jeongguk’s small, imperceptible ways of cracking: his pout less prominent, more replaced by lips pulled into a tight line or in a mildly pursued scowl as you ask him which beanie looks better—the pink or purple one; his so evident sarcasm as he comments on how the old vendor was totally flirting with you, or when he mockingly adds to your over-the-top excitement every time you spot a dog. All in all, he’s more relaxed. More himself.

You then find yourself standing in front of the churros stall from earlier, the warm scent tugging you closer. Without hesitation, you ask the lady behind the counter for another four churros—this time with extra sugar. You add two thank yous.

To fill the waiting, you pick up casual conversation with the woman, until she pauses mid-sentence, wrinkled hand coming to rest over her heart as her gaze flits between you and Jeongguk, her crinkled eyes lighting with a sudden fondness and a quiet, content smile finds its space on her chapped lips, “You two look perfect together.”

Jeongguk snorts, “Oh, we’re not—”

“Thank you, auntie!” You chirp, and your grin is so wide it squeezes your eyes into crescents. You accept the first churro she hands over, biting into it and talking through it, “These are delicious. Is the recipe a secret or can you share it with me?”

The woman laughs, clearly flustered by your energy, and leans in with a conspiratorial expression, though she gives in pretty soon, “It is a secret, but… Oh, c’mon. A pretty lady like you deserves to know.”

You burst into chuckles, joined by auntie’s own rolling and carrying a contrasting warmth to the cold air. Jeongguk, for his part, stands slightly to the side, observing. You still cling to his arm, even as the vendor reaches over to gently smooth her fingers through your curls, complimenting the way they frame your face. You roll your eyes, feigning exasperation, but there’s a dimpled smile stretching on your cheeks that gives you away.

Before you leave, the lady points to Jeongguk, voice growing earnest, “You, handsome. I can see you’re a good guy, so you probably don’t need my advice. But treat her right, yes?”

Jeongguk stills for a second and stumbles over an awkward nod, managing to force a smile that has you stifling a laugh under your scarf. You tug him away with a cheerful wave to your new friend, promising her you’ll come visit again before Christmas.

Once you’re at a safe distance, he mutters, “Why did you not tell her that we’re not together?”

You tilt your head considering his question, “It’s not like she knows us. She looked like she adored you. I didn’t want to ruin that for her. Maybe seeing a young couple like us really means a lot to her.”

Jeongguk observes how the more you explain, the more you’re convincing yourself as much as him, eventually solidifying your reasoning as you nod, muttering some more under your breath. He scoffs, looking away to hide his lips twitching.

When he turns back he’s frowning, though it doesn’t quite match the way he lets you hook arms again, your pastel pink bag hanging from his shoulders. Still, he sulks as though the mere thought of your observation has him shivering, and not with the cold, “We’re not a couple.”

Jeongguk barely gets to let his unnecessarily petty comment out before you drag him with an unusual strength over to another stand, his voice not even touching your ears, “Oh, let’s go over there, Gguk!”

On the twenty-first day or December, you send him a picture of your tattoo.

You had been talking non-stop ever since your… date? Or was it just a hangout? Whatever it was, it’s been a week, and Jeongguk finds himself smiling at a fucking screen too many times a day for his linking. It’s irritating. Even brings his phone with him to the bathroom in case you text him. Not because he cares. No, it’s practical. What if you ever had an emergency and he was the only one who could help?

Most of the time it’s just you sending TikToks, but he clicks on the links with the same urgency he’d reply to a genuine plea for help. He doesn’t really want to think of the reason why.

Now, this picture—it catches Jeongguk off guard.

It doesn’t even look like it’s about the tattoo. Not really. It feels like an excuse, a flimsy pretext for you to show yourself to him. The tattoo—the one he himself inked—is there, yes. But it’s not at all the main focus of the photo that tightens his grip on his phone.

You’re wearing a thin, pink tank top with delicate lace trim, the straps barely clinging to your shoulders. Your fingers hook under the neckline, tugging it down just enough to expose the tattoo nestled between the soft curve of your breasts. The angle of the shot is deliberate, he can tell. Your back arches slightly off what he assumes is your bed, and your face is cropped out, save for your glossed lips, full and slightly parted, catching the dim light.

Jeongguk blinks, hard. Then again. His throat bobs as he swallows thickly, the low light of his phone screen doing little to soften the image burning itself into his mind. His eyes dart upward, scanning his surroundings, just to make sure everything is in place. The shop is empty, the door is closed, the hum of quiet settles over the space.

Looking down, the picture still stares back at him paired with a single message.

Annoying [11:39 p.m.]: do you think it’s healed? idk about this stuff, need your help 🥺

He’s not stupid. He knows exactly what this is. He alternates between the photo and your words, jaw ticking and tightening more with the seconds flowing.

It’s almost cruel, the way you’re testing him like this. He tries to push the feeling down, to reject the buzz of heat pooling low in his stomach. You know him well enough to be aware that he won’t reply to something like this. A stupid, unnecessary message. The tattoo is healed—he told you that a week ago, clear as day. There’s no reason for you to ask again.

What’s the purpose of this?

He gets a distorted idea when he shifts uncomfortably in place, the dull ache tightening his pants almost unbearable now.

Jeongguk groans and locks his phone, tossing it onto the counter as if that will put an end to this. He tries to refocus on his tasks, the last ones before he clocks off. Cleaning needles, tossing used stencils.

But his heavy balls keep sending desperate, silent prayers to his brain, to please let them have this. Just this once.

It’s been a bad day. Two of his appointments canceled last minute, leaving him to sit around bored. The last client showed up drunk and wouldn’t stop trying to flirt with him. His coworkers were loud and distracting, and to top it all off, the heater broke, leaving the studio freezing cold.

It’s been such a bad day.

So, would there be any harm? It’s not like anyone will know. Not you, not his friends. He’s the only one that will. And he’s far more willing to live with this dirty secret rather than with his hard dick straining achingly in its confines.

Jeongguk abruptly snatches up his phone again, unlocking it to the same picture that caused him to brush the device aside just minutes ago. He lets out a shaky breath, thumb hovering over the screen. You won’t get no reply to him. But if you knew what he was up to right now, you would probably geek. Tease him, with your warm smile that digs dimples in your cheek, hopping on your toes to poke at his chest playfully, with those perfectly manicured hands of yours.

“Shit,” his free hand is already pushing the jeans down along with his boxers, and he drops his weight onto the nearest stool as he grips at the base of his thick cock, eyes devouring the image of you in the empty chat.

He doesn’t zoom in. That would feel too shameless. But he finds it oddly better like this. Is it weird that your text, so innocently worded, is turning him on? That the simple idea of you needing his help is enough to have his hips jerking?

What could you possibly need his help for? Fuck. The different ideas that pool his mind have him squeezing harder at his stinging tip.

Jeongguk focuses on your dainty hand, slim pointer finger snaking under the collar of your flimsy shirt to show yourself to him, and your small boobs spill from the sides with a delicious, soft swell. He hisses when he pictures that same hand working on him instead, his warm mouth stuffed with your stiff nipples, visible through the sheer material.

He can’t help the loud groan leaving his lips, wrist flickering up and down in a motion that feels sloppy way too soon, hips jutting up to fuck into his tight fist. Throwing his head back, he sees you even behind closed eyelids.

He pictures your delicate figure sprawled on his bed, long lashes batting up at him as you sheepishly hide with your cheek to your shoulder. Can clearly make out how you’d sit on his lap instead, unsteady breath fanning over his lips, using his long shaft to make yourself cum. The whole time, he sees the tattoo on your chest, the one that is forever on you, eternally a reminder of him.

When he lets his head topple forward again, his bright screen still stares at him, only because a new message pops up in the chat. He startles, and his cock throbs in his hand.

Annoying [11:52 p.m.]: oh, and i miss you.

“Oh, fuck,” the curse is strained through a loud whine, and only followed by more of his full moans filling the room. His brows knit as his hand moves rapidly, palm collecting the precum spreading embarrassingly fast on his tip and rolling it down his length.

He focuses on your parted lips, the soft curve of your breast, your hard nipples begging to be sucked and spit on. Your last text has flashes of your bug-like eyes staring up at him seizing his mind.

That’s what undoes him. He’s delirious as he lets out his every sound, freely, unchecked, not caring about how loud he is, whimpering as he gets closer to his climax. When he thinks of those eyes locking with his, kneeling before him, eager and willing to swallow his every drop, he cums. Hard.

Jeongguk pumps everything he can out of him, and it’s messy—spilling over his hand, staining his clothes, pooling on the floor. His chest heaves with the effort, and the sensation of abandon he feels is so pleasurable, energy drained but leaving him with a lightness that threatens to make his cock hard again.

Fuck. He can’t afford that happening if you’re not the one attending his needs. This won’t be enough, not until it’s you. He’s insatiable.

Jeongguk needs to hear your voice.

It’s an instinct, and he bends to it. He’s careful, making sure not to tap on the FaceTime option, because if you were to see him right now it’d be glaringly obvious.

When he looks to the side, he catches a glimpse of his reflection in the long mirror, and he visibly grimaces at the way his cheeks are flushed, the pearls of sweat coating his forehead causing his bangs to stick uncomfortably to the skin.

Guilty doesn’t even begin to cover it.

With the phone to his ear beeping to eternity, he hesitates, contemplates ending the call before you can answer. But just then, you do.

“Jeongguk! Is everything okay?”

Your voice is familiarly soft, but there’s a trace of concern. Blinking, he brings the device closer again and gulps thickly when he can make out your panting breaths. He clears his throat and puts on his best nonchalant act, “Huh— Yes. Why wouldn’t it be?”

“I don’t know… You just never call. Or text first. This is weird. You sure you’re okay?”

Oh. Is that really what it is like?

Jeongguk never realized this was how he came across—so detached that a simple phone call feels out of character. Your naive honesty hits him square in the chest. God, he needs to get better at this. The irony stings: he just fucking jerked off to your picture and the simple thought of you, while you’re on the other side thinking he’s just a careless piece of shit who doesn’t even know how to call.

The long stretch of silence registers in his brain, and he coughs to buy time, “Yes, I’m sure. I— huh,” he thinks of stuff you usually ask to keep the conversation flowing. Not out of courtesy, but out of genuine interest, the curiosity that makes people want to open up. He’s still not used to that. Still finds it weird.

“How… How was your day?”

It must be equally weird for you because it takes you a longer beat to reply. In that quiet moment, he clenches his eyes shut and feels his jaw tick with shame. And embarrassment. And this icky feeling that makes him feel too mushy for his liking. Hell, what is he doing? He’s never been like this, he’s not supposed to be like this.

But you recover quickly, as you always do, and you smooth over the moment. Fix it all for him like you were born to be just that. Make him feel like he fits in ways that have him exhaling shakily.

Jeongguk senses a foreign drumming in his stomach, and it’s warm but odd, and he loves it but he doesn’t want to.

On the twenty-fifth day of December, cheekily under a mistletoe, Jeongguk realizes he wants you. There’s parts of him that probably knew way sooner. But the parts of him that didn’t, fighting tooth and nail to suppress the mere thought, are just now finally surrendering.

Jeongguk has always found you admirable, back in high school. You had this determination to you. Not only when it came to him. It shone particularly when you catered to others, always finding ways to help, to mend, to offer yourself with nothing less than a fully toothed smile.

But he’s also always thought you two were—and still are—too different to work. He can’t be what you want, let alone what you deserve: someone who can match your enthusiasm and unwavering smiles, your frustrating positivity; someone who sees the world the way you do. No black, no grey, no shades in between. Just bright, hopeful white. Blinding white.

It’s the white making him dizzy, shifting his perspective, having him believing the opposite of what he’s always known. Pushing to be a little more egoistical, deceiving himself that he’s right for you. Because he wants to be. He oh, so selfishly wants people to know he’s the one who finally gets to have you, the one gifted with such a light, unfairly deserving of all the love you carry into every room you walk into.

Just a few days ago, during another one of your increasingly frequent phone calls, you asked him what he was doing for Christmas. He could have lied, come up with something on the spot.

But with how you so easily, and always coax the truth out of him, he let it slip. He told you he’d be alone, words subtly heavy. But they didn’t have the chance to even drop their weight before you were already inviting him to your friend’s party, insisting that he would be the most welcome.

And he’s here, and he sits beside you, and every time you laugh you lean your weight over him, and the room vibrates with the energy you fill it with, and each one of your friends is so enamoured with you, and for reasons he can’t fully understand it fills him with a sense of pride that shouldn’t belong to him. But it does, and it comes with so many other feelings.

You don’t push him to talk. You never force him into the spotlight when he takes a step back, quietly observing, choosing to stay in the background. Because you read him like it’s in your nature to do so, your soul seems to intuitively melt with his, and it intertwines in such a tight knot that he feels it constrict his throat. He knows he’s still alive because his heart is beating, just a little faster with each time you flash your dimples at him.

“Dimples. What are you doing, hm?”

Now, he’s in front of you, a small smile on his lips as you stand on your tiptoes, trying to dangle the mistletoe over both your heads. You’re struggling just a little, your hand unable to reach high enough, and the fake plant awkwardly brushes his hair, the tickling sensation causing his nose to scrunch. You laugh.

Looking up at your swinging movements, you lose your balance for the slightest second. Jeongguk’s hands move instinctively, catching you promptly by the waist to steady your body. But even after that, he doesn’t shift, his warm palms stilling. And when you face him, he’s closer and his chest brushes against yours. From this proximity, he witnesses the Christmas lights painting a galaxy of their own in your orbs.

You beam, “What does it look like? We have to kiss now.”

Jeongguk stares in your expectant eyes, brows wiggling and all. The more his mouth keeps in a straight line, the more the wiggling slows. You eventually come down from your tiptoes, letting the mistletoe fall to the side, tilting your head.

He snorts, looking away briefly to hide an embarrassingly wide grin behind his hand. When he turns back to you, your pout is enough to have him scrambling to meet your gaze.

“On one condition, though.”

You chirp, “Yeah?”

He licks his teeth, reserving you with a smug look, “Admit that you were scared to get your tattoo.”

Your smile vanishes in an instant, your expression falling into mock offense. With a dramatic roll of your eyes, you turn on your heel, pretending to walk away from him. Pretending, only because you know he won’t let you. And you’re proven right when his fingers wrap around your arm, tugging you back with enough force to spin you into him. Suddenly, you’re pressed so close you can feel the heat radiating from him. Your chin nearly touches his chest as you glare up at him, narrowed eyes meeting the mischievous glint in his.

He bites a smile, lips twitching, “C’mon, princess. You wanted to act all tough and shit, but I could feel you shaking.”

Your scoff is loud and incredulous, “You’re such a bitch.”

He only shrugs, “You want my kiss, no?”

“Oh my god,” groaning, it’s your turn to face the side to hide a grin, “Are you always this cocky?”

His chin tilts upward slightly, and you can tell he’s enjoying this, “Say it.”

You whip back around to meet him with a seriousness he hardly ever sees on you, and you even clear your throat, channeling every ounce of the determination he knows you for, every drop of resolve that makes you you. “Yes. I was scared shitless, Jeongguk.”

Foreign excitement brims out of him, not before his eyes widen just a fraction, and his nose scrunches the more he leans closer to you, inches from you, swinging side to side with exaggerated mockery and a grin splitting his face, “See! I knew—hmph.”

There’s no other second to waste.

The condition has been met, and now all the requirements for you to claim what you were promised, your reward, are there. Even more when kissing him means catching him mid-taunt and silencing whatever teasing remark he had ready.

Your lips touch his in effortless ease, breaking the air as they press together. It’s tentative at first, almost uncertain as you feel Jeongguk remain still.

But it doesn’t take him longer to move, mouth molding against yours in a sickeningly sweet hug, tasting each other with quiet curiosity, taking your time to adjust and melt, instructing your bodies to imitate the dance.

Your arms lock around his neck, his stronger and tattooed ones circle your waist, and the way you click together feels so right, almost too perfect, so perfect it scares you. When you arch yourself further into him, even the non-existent space between you unbearable, he accompanies the motion with his wide palms gliding along your back, squeezing you into him, feeling the curve of your hips.

The soft whine that scratches your throat and vibrates against his lips betrays you, along with the useless effort to contain the intensity of what you’re feeling. The emotion disarms you, the sound gasping in your chest, but in Jeongguk’s arms it feels safe to let go.

On Christmas day, you crown a youthful fantasy, the kind you’ll look back to even when you’re older. Jeongguk feels like he’d be the right person to stand by you to do so.

When he reluctantly detaches from you, his face keeps at a safe distance that’d allow him to go back and taste you, not before resting his forehead on yours and whispering, “Merry Christmas.”

You giggle. “Merry Christmas, Gguk.”

[luveline]

oooh what about hotch's sister calling spencer to pick her up at the hospital after an accident or something because she doesn't want hotch to know since worry and go into protective big brother mode, but spencer tells him anyway and they both show up and lots of fluff ensues :)

adopted fem!reader, 1.5k

cw for panic attacks

You should call your brother. 

You think about it, even pull up his contact, he’s the first person you go to when you need help and he always has been, but lately Aaron has been so stressed you hesitate, clicking the text button by mistake. 

You read back his last message. 

I can feel myself being spread too thin but there’s nothing I can do to fix it, he’d text. I guess I’m frustrated. But how are you, working girl? New jobs are scary. I bet you’re doing better than you think already. Jack and I are super proud of you

You’d sent him a meagre response. You aren’t always sure what to say to him. Sincerity is easier in person, but even then, he can be terse and deflective; he looks after you and no one looks after him. 

You didn’t tell him about work, and you won’t tell him about now. You call Spencer instead. This is a good way to test the almost dating thing, right? 

He doesn’t answer. When you call again, he answers on the first ring. “Hey, are you okay?” 

“No. Are you busy?” 

“I’m not busy if you’re not okay. Two seconds.” There’s a pause where you assume he’s moving from one place to another, perhaps closing a book around his hand, or closing the lid on an early lunch. “What’s wrong?” 

“I’m, uh, in hospital. I had a huge panic attack at work and I… thought I was having a heart attack, so I–” You’re so embarrassed your voice turns to a thread. “Sorry, I know it’s so stupid.” 

“It’s not stupid, that’s not stupid. How do you feel now?” 

“Like someone hit me really hard in the chest.” 

“Are you calmed down?” 

“Mostly.” You wince. “They want to talk to me about medications. Uh.” You clear your throat. “I want to go home.” 

“Angel… I’m on my way, okay? I’ll get Hotch and–”

“You can’t tell him.” 

“What?” 

“Please, Spencer, he gets so worried, he’s worried enough. And if he finds out I had a panic attack he’ll try and make me take time off of work and that’s just another thing on his plate he didn’t ask for–”

“Hey, hey, hey,” he says softly, “please don’t panic. You’ve had a hard morning, panicking again is really gonna hurt. Try and think about things that don’t wind you up, alright? Is there anything you need me to get?” 

“You don’t have to come.” 

“That’s why you called me, right? I’ll be there.” 

You can’t know that he says goodbye and ducks straight back into Hotch’s office, where he’d been, to tell on you. It’s not to hurt you and it isn’t because you told him not to —it’s two parts concern, and one part self preservation. Aaron needs to know and you need him with you, and he also can’t imagine things going well for himself if he kept the news of your stay a secret. The shovel talk plays in his mind. 

Aaron’s shovel talk being, You won’t do anything to hurt her, said simply, and with an impassive expression that bordered terrifying. Not overly unaffected, just casual. 

You’re laying in your hospital bed with your hands clasped across your stomach when Spencer arrives. He frowns at you in your bed, worse when he sees your smudged makeup and the chafed inside of your wrist where you’ve picked and squeezed at your own skin. Your panic has left a physical mark, your chest aching as you force yourself to sit, and it hurts doubly so when your brother lets himself in behind your nearly-boyfriend.

You don’t have it in you to complain. 

“I’m sorry,” Spencer says, reaching down to give you a quick hug as you sit. “I had to tell him.” 

 Aaron’s hug is similarly apologetic, though much longer. “You weren’t gonna tell me?” he asks quietly, his hand settling at the place between your shoulders. “How do you feel now?” 

“I’m fine, I– I really thought I was having a heart attack.” 

“That’s common,” Spencer says, “it’s the feeling of impending doom, thousands of people mistake anxiety for medical issues every week.” 

Aaron holds you by the shoulders. “It’s okay,” he says. “Was it a doctor that checked you out, or a nurse?” 

Aaron probes the name of your nurse from you and promises to be back soon. He seems to have gleaned that the quickest way to get information today won’t be from you. 

Spencer goes in for another hug when he leaves, and then, to your delight, a very quick kiss pressed to your cheek. He ducks away after that and sits on the side of your hospital bed, his knuckles gracing the outside of your thigh. “Thank you for calling me,” he says, smiling at you, and better when you smile back.

“Thanks for coming.” 

“Of course. I know how it feels, okay? If they want to talk about medication it’s a good thing, but everyone has moments like this.” 

“I can’t believe you told Aaron,” you say, giving a weak but playful glare.

“I can’t believe you weren’t going to. He loves you, he wants to know what’s hurting you, no matter how much stuff is on his plate.” 

You bite the inside of your lip, contemplative for a few slow seconds. “You think so?” you ask finally. 

The hair flicked under his ears wobbles as he nods. “Absolutely.” 

You lean forward to readjust his collar and tie. He’s wearing one of his cutesy waistcoats, dark grey over a light blue shirt. His tie has patterns you trace with your thumb, like fish scales. “Sorry, I know you were working,” you murmur. 

“I think my boss will forgive me.” 

You let your hands fall. Spencer, perhaps picking up on a hint you hadn’t meant to give, takes them both into one of his and squeezes reassuringly. 

“It’s harder than I thought,” you confide softly. 

“It’s an adjustment period. But maybe it’s not right for you, there. That’s what started it, right? Your job.” 

“I’m not sure. I don’t know. I get panicky about all sorts of stuff, but I’ve never had one this bad before. I was a miserable kid, you can ask Aaron, but I really thought I was better.” 

He rubs over your fingers with his thumb. “I think we all have stuff that messes us up. Doesn’t mean you’re not better. You don’t even really have to be better. And I… I am here for you, I promise. I know you have no reason to trust me with it yet, but I’ll listen whenever you need me to.” 

You think about kissing him. Spencer kisses like he’s suffocating and your air, it’s cliche and undeniably true. Whenever you kiss him it’s like a shock —he steals your breath, he can’t stop himself from grabbing your face, and any other time you’d love it, but right now you just need a peck. You’re hoping he can do those kinds of kisses too. 

“Will you kiss me?” you ask tentatively.

He gets the memo on gentleness. You shouldn’t be surprised, your very first kiss was tame, his hand running up your arm as he encourages you forward. Your eyes shutter closed at the feeling of his lips on yours, and the exhausting thrumming that’s lived beneath your skin since you woke up numbs to a more manageable ache. 

Spencer breaks away. He cups your cheek quickly, dropping it immediately when the door opens. 

You shuffle backward nonchalantly. 

Aaron gives you a sarcastic look. Really? it says. I wasn't born yesterday. 

“They want to give you a prescription for Paxil, honey, what do you think?” He turns his attention to Spencer reluctantly. “What’s her best option here?” 

“Paxil could be fine. They didn’t suggest a benzodiazepine? Paxil is an SSRIs, it slows down the rate of serotonin reuptake, basically increasing the effectiveness of your bodies natural serotonin, which could decrease the risk of another attack, but taking it won’t stop her from feeling like this,” —he frowns at your location— “very quickly. Ideally she should have a medication for general anxiety and the option for quicker relief if this happens again.” He smiles at you suddenly, nearly shyly. “If that’s what you want, that is.” 

“What are you thinking, honey?” Aaron asks you. 

You have the two of them here to look after you while you decide. You take Spencer’s hand gently, desperate for reassurance. “I’m not sure.” 

“It’s okay, we’ll work it out,” your brother promises. 

Spencer squeezes your hand. 

[talaok]

i loved the hickey fic🥵

can i request a role reversal fic?

reader marks up joel and is unashamed about it

Pairing: Joel Miller x reader

a/n: thank you love, hope you'll like this although its been so long you probably forgot about this. and if you're interested, this is the fic they were referring to

It was just you and Ellie in the kitchen this morning. You were laughing about another funny dream she had last night, this one involving Joel trying to tame a gigantic sheep so he could ride it or something, she didn't quite remember the purpose, not that it mattered.

But as you both quite literally felt on the verge of tears from the image the dream was painting in your minds, the main character of said dream, appeared in the doorway, throwing you both a dirty look as if watching two of the three people he loved the most in this entire world didn't fill his old heart with pure joy.

"It's too early to be this chipper" he grumbled, walking to you to leave a quick kiss on your cheek as he reached for the coffee pot behind you.

A gasp sounded from the other sound of the counter

"oh my god what happened to your neck?!" 

And it was then, that Joel Miller, the unafraid, stone-cold killer of a man that he was, turned red from hairline to neck.

"O-Oh fuck I-" His eyes widened, his hand going to cover your work on his neck, but it was all useless, because the second Ellie's eyes landed on the smirk plastered on your face, she knew.

"oh my god ew" she groaned, rolling her eyes, her focus going back to the eggs on her plate.

"You remember Janine, that woman I told you about?" you explained, talking to her

She laughed at that, remembering your conversation about that woman who's always flirting with Joel.

"you filled Joel's neck with hickeys because of her?"

Joel wasn't even red anymore, he was turning purple, his eyes were wider than a deer's caught in the headlights, and you suspected he hadn't taken a breath since he first entered the kitchen.

"this..." you smiled, trailing your fingers on Joel's neck "is my own little way of telling her to keep her hands off my man"

Joel choked, he literally choked on his own saliva and just then, just when he was about to have a heart attack, Tommy entered the house, his eyes immediately going to the image before him with more than a little amusement.

"What have I walked into?" he grinned, walking over to the kitchen "And why does my brother look a breath away from exploding?" he laughed, his hands gesturing to Joel.

"y/n here was giving me way too much information that I certainly didn't want to know" Ellie explained, looking at you pointedly for the last part of her sentence, making you chuckle.

"About what?" Tommy asked

"About the work of art I left on your brother's neck"

"wha-Ohhh" he breathed, smiling like a smug bastard as he understood what you were talking about "Janine tried something again I presume?" 

"You presume right" you smiled, giving Joel a little kiss on the cheek and stifling a smile at how terrified he seemed "for the last time"

"You ok baby?" you asked, stroking his cheek

His gaze was on Ellie, his mouth parted in shock.

"You still with us man?" she asked, giggling softly, making him shake his head to try and get his mind to start working again.

And then, then the words came tumbling off his tongue, filled with what sounded like pure panic

"S-since when do you know what a hickey is!?"

Everyone in the room except him laughed, but when the shock on his features persisted, and Ellie regained her composure, she answered.

"I'm not a kid Joel, I know what sex is"

Another pang to his poor heart, 

he felt all the organs inside him twist into a knot

what the fuck was happening?

Did she just say-

"sex!?" he cried, looking a second away from having a mental breakdown "I-I never said sex- H-how do you even know- I- You- You're too young- I-I"

"ok ok ok" you tried your best not to chuckle, intervening before his heart really decided to stop "How 'bout we go outside for a moment huh? Take a few deep breaths? How about that?" you murmured, soothingly drawing circles on his back 

He looked at you then, looking every bit as disheveled as he sounded 

"y-yeah" he swallowed thickly, "I-I think that's a good idea"

He looked back at Ellie for a moment to make sure this wasn't a nightmare and he didn't just make that up, before you both left the room.

And as if on cue, the second you did, Tommy and Ellie started laughing like maniacs.

"I don't think I've ever seen him so scared" Ellie laughed, as Tommy sat next to her, patting her back

"Neither have I" he chuckled, none of them saying anything before an idea came to his mind.

a hell of a funny one

"ten bucks if you tell him you know what porn is"

[sammyluvr]

✶ . ၄၃ .  something to cling to — aaron hotchner

cw : gn!reader, father-figure!hotch, hurt/comfort, angst, reader is around 18-22/a young adult in college, set sometime before/close to the beginning of season one, dead parents (reader's dad), abandonment, overall parental issues lol, anxiety, crying, panic attack probably, ft haley and the early season one team, food mentions, poor editing, 4.6K words. thank you @beatlewishes for inspiring me!

summary : aaron has been a sort of father figure since the death of your father. he picks up from your apartment at the start of winter break only to find out that your mother has left you.

aaron doesn’t hear from your mother very often. not that he needs to. you’re an adult with your own phone and campus apartment and abilities to communicate when you need something from him. that just means he takes things extra seriously when they come from her. so when she texts him, asking if he can pick you up for winter break and let you stay in his home just until her work day ends, he immediately responds with a resolute, yes, of course.

it’s the sort of thing that you’d normally ask him about, but it’s nice to see your mother be the one to take the initiative to ensure that you don’t have to take the subway with your heavy bags, all alone in the cold.

the text he receives is last minute, and he leaves work earlier than usual to arrive at your apartment on time. your mother told him you have to be out of campus housing by 8pm, and it’s a bit of a drive from quantico to your school. unfortunately, he has to be on a call the whole way over, and never gets the chance to text you that he’s on his way. he just hopes that you know he’ll be the one to pick you up rather than your mom.

the look on your face when you open the door for him tells you right away that you weren’t told. he holds back a sigh, giving you a gentle smile instead.

“hi, kid. i know you were expecting your mom. i’m sorry. she had to take an extra shift at work, but she’ll come pick you up from my house later tonight. that okay?” he asks sincerely, even though you don’t really have a choice.

you try to smile back. at least he’s here, you suppose. it means something that your mom asked him to come get you when she couldn’t, though you wish she’d have told you about it so that you didn’t get so excited by the knock on the door, expecting it to be her. she’s sort of distant these days, and you barely get home because you work on the weekends. you haven’t seen her in a while, and though things have been hard for years now, you still were looking forward to seeing her. she gives good hugs and promised to take you to your favorite restaurant on the way home to celebrate the end of your semester.

“hi, aaron. of course it’s okay. thank you for coming to get me. it’s too damn cold for the subway,” you say, trying not to sound disappointed. you’re sure he can see right through you, just how he can with nearly anyone at all, and he knows you well.

“it certainly is too cold. i’m glad your mother texted me. can i carry anything for you?” he always offers to carry your things, even if there isn’t much. you hand him your heaviest bag, and carry all the totes and looser things in your own arms. you murmur a thanks, to which he replies, “of course,” then watches as you balance a considerable amount of bags in both arms as you turn off the front light and lock the door. he’d offer to help with those too if he didn’t already know that you’re stubborn and like to take care of things for yourself.

his car is right in the parking lot, but he wishes you’d put on a scarf or a hat or maybe both before going outside. it’s quite cold; there’s snow in the overnight forecast. haley told him so this morning. he walks at a brisk pace so he can get you in the heated car sooner.

there’s enough room for your things in the backseat, so he doesn’t bother with the trunk. he puts your duffle bag on the seat, then opens your own door as you set down the rest of your things before heading to the driver’s seat. he knows he doesn’t have to worry about it, but he still checks that you’ve buckled your seat belt before he pulls out of the parking lot.

you’re polite and never snappy, entertaining his questions about how things have been since the last time he saw you, which wasn’t all that long ago. he’s a very busy man, arguably busier than your mom, but you’ve seen him more recently than you saw her. he’s very caring like that, though outwardly quite stern and stoic. you were very intimidated by him when you were younger, scared even. but your father was friends with him for years and years, close enough that you sometimes would forget that they worked together. it’s not something you forget anymore, not after your dad died on the job. and since then, you very rarely see him in his casual clothes like you used to as a kid.

he’d be over at the house in t-shirts and quarter-zips, but since your father died, your mother doesn’t invite him over for casual dinners much anymore. he’s become busier, too, so nearly any time he visits or takes you out to dinner, he’s still in his suit and tie. that’s not something you mind, of course, it’s just one of the many things that have changed, even if small and often inconsequential.

when aaron runs out of things to say, he sighs to himself, quiet enough so you won’t hear it or overthink it. you lean against the cold window and keep your eyes trained on the passing street lights and shops and tall dc office buildings. he knows you’re feeling upset that you’re mom couldn’t make it, but that you’re being adult about it, by being kind to him and trying to talk it through in your head, like always. you’ve always been a little too adult for being so young, he thinks. he can’t blame you, though. 

there’s simple lights on his front porch and a pretty christmas tree showing through the front window. haley hugs you when you step inside, and you can feel her growing belly against you. their house is perfectly warm and it smells like dinner’s been cooked not too long ago. you give her the warmest smile you can muster.

aaron puts his hand on your shoulder as you head to the table for dinner and you start to relax. maybe this isn’t what you were wanting, but it’s nice. you’d been hoping to have dinner with them soon, anyway, so what’s the harm in it being now. haley’s always so sweet, extra maternal and doting now that she’s pregnant. aaron can tell she likes the way he acts around you, caring and soft, because it makes her think of how he’ll be for their baby on the way.

you’re very grateful for a warm, home cooked meal after a semester of whatever you can scrounge up in your apartment or the less than ideal dining halls. after dinner, you get comfortable on their couch. aaron sits on the other end and turns on the tv to the channel he thinks you’ll like best, at least for background noise. he’s relieved to see you working through your disappointment of not seeing your mother right away. it pains him to see you upset in any capacity.

but the contented calm of being in a warm, familiar home doesn’t last all that long for you. your mother’s night shifts always go late. then there’s the twenty minute drive from there to here. you understand this very well, but conversation with aaron lulls and the tv runs turn boring and the clock ticks late enough that a tired haley retires to bed. you’re naturally anxious, unsure how to react as your night is ruined once again.

you try to call her, text her, call her again. aaron watches you carefully. you huff out in frustration. “she’s not picking up. she should’ve been here half an hour ago.” he can tell that you’re covering up your worry with a hint of anger.

“i know. i’m sure she’ll be here soon, she’s probably on the road right now. that’s why she’s not picking up,” he placates.

“no,” you shake your head, “the calls just aren’t going through,” you stress, a hint of your anxiety peaking through the cracks of your weary composure. “it says her phone is off.” this sparks real concern for him.

“let me try,” he says, hiding his own worry to avoid adding to yours. he almost promises to get you home with her tonight, but he’s learned not to make promises he doesn’t know for sure that he can keep. when he calls her, he steps away. not to hide anything from you, just so you don’t see his face as he calls her once, twice, three times. she doesn’t pick up and you’re noticeably distressed now. 

he sits right next to you on the couch and puts his arm around your shoulder. “her phone could’ve just died, sweetheart,” he quickly assures you, knowing that you’re already thinking about worst case scenarios.

because the worst case scenario has happened to you before, and no matter how many years it’s been, that feeling of dread and worry and then absolute devastation never leaves you. aaron was the second person you cried to after your father died. your mother was of course the first. now, you try not to cry in front of either of them, but you fear it’ll happen tonight.

you’re more than anxious, on edge, and maybe at your wits end tonight. after finding out about one dead parent, you worry extra. you scare easily. and this semester hasn’t necessarily been easy. you’re so tired. not just pulled an all-nighter and fell asleep on your computer for an exam tired, but months of stress and loneliness were supposed to come to an end today, but have just gotten worse kind of tired. and that’s very quickly tugging at your ability to think rationally or keep any sort of composure.you wring your hands in your lap and your shoulders are tense underneath his steady arm. he gives your bicep a comforting rub.

“we’ll find her. she’s alright. we’ll wait up a little longer for her. if she doesn’t show up tonight, you’ll sleep here and i’ll call my team. they’ll find her and make sure she’s alright,” he reassures you. he knows you’re worried something bad has happened to her. 

he doesn’t want you to know that he’s worried that she’s left on purpose. the way she texted him to take you home today, neither of your calls going through, and the way he can tell even from afar that she’s been distant as of late makes him wary. and he’ll have to tell you eventually, but he’d rather wait until he has better proof, rather than a hunch. he knows his suspicions would upset you, likely make you angry with him.

“shouldn’t we start looking for her now?” you ask nervously, eyes already teary. his heart clenches at the sight.

“well, honey, i’d start with calling her workplace to see when she left,” he tells you, leaving out the ‘or if she was there at all’ part, “they’re already closed, though.” he takes another look at you and sighs softly, not in frustration, but concerned affection. “but you’re right. it’s a good idea to at least check if there’s someone there still. i’ll call there and a few people who might be able to help. but we’ll be able to find out the most tomorrow morning, okay?”

his words provide both assurance and a new bout of urgency. “but what if something happened to her?”

aaron’s face softens a bit more, just for you. “i understand you’re worried about that. and you know i’ll always take this sort of thing seriously. that’s my whole job, buddy. i really think she’s alright. you know she gets lonely at home and stays at her friend’s sometimes. and… you know she sometimes has bad nights that she’d rather you not see. there’s lots of potential reasons why she hasn’t shown up yet, and i can promise you, statistically, the odds that something very bad has happened to her aren’t as high as you think. she works in a safe area and your mother is a very smart woman. i’m not telling you not to worry or that i won’t do everything i can to find her right now, i’m just telling you that i think she’ll be okay, yeah?”

you listen closely, almost clinging to the sound of his low, comforting voice to avoid spiraling. you nod along, swallowing nervously. “okay,” you relent, huffing the word out, but not relaxing one bit. your body can’t get rid of the memories of finding out that your father had died. since then, you’ve never done well with waiting or uncertainty. 

“there’s not much you can do to help me. will you try to get some sleep? the guest room is set up.” the moment he suggests it, he physically feels you tense even further underneath him. “or you can stay up right here to wait for her while i make some calls.” that gets him a nod.

the idea of being left alone with just your anxious thoughts, the dark, and the quiet as company is unsettling to say the least. that’s what trying to fall asleep in the guest room means.

aaron can easily assume that’s why you’d rather stay here, but he knows it’ll do you no good to try and stay awake. that’s just more overthinking and lost sleep. so he changes the channel to nature documentaries and sits at the dining room table where you can see him through the doorway and just barely hear the low rhythm of his deep voice over the tv. he doesn’t want you focused on what he’s saying, but more so his steady, reassuring presence. 

it’s 3:04 in the morning when hotch runs out of things to do. he’s called his best assets that might pick up at this time, and written down every detail about the situation and your mother to share with his team. he looks through into the living room to see your drooping eyelids and slouched form. a little longer and you’ll probably fall asleep on your own, but he wonders if he could coax you to lay down with a blanket and a pillow. he stands quietly, and your eyes flick up to look at him when he walks past. he gives you a small smile, doesn’t answer the question in your tired eyes yet.

he takes the comforter and pillow from the bed in the guest room and before you can protest, he lays the blanket over you.

“did you find anything?” you ask sleepily, hesitantly taking the pillow from him as he hands it over. you’ll feel less guilty if you sleep on the couch rather than a comfy mattress. the pillow lays over the plush of the comforter in your lap.

“not yet,” he says gently, “i wasn’t able to get a hold of anyone at your mom’s work, but i got in contact with a few people i know who can help. the team will have plenty to work with in the morning. i already emailed and asked them to come in early.”

you give him a dejected nod. “thank you,” you murmur. he takes one of your hands in his.

“of course,” he says firmly, like he needs you to know just how much he means that. there’s absolutely no hesitation in his desire to help you. he’d stay up until three in the morning every night until he does what he can to fix this. unfortunately, his suspicion is that it’s something he can’t fix, but he’s prepared to be with you every step of the way.

“i’m too anxious to sleep,” you whisper. he crouches in front of you, his knees bumping against your shins for a moment through the fabric of the blanket.

“i know,” he murmurs back, taking one of your restless hands in his before pulling you into a hug, not bothering to move the softness of the comforter and pillow between your bodies. you sink into him, wanting to cry, but too tired. you’ll probably cry tomorrow instead. his hand smooths over the back of your head, coming to rest on your back right below your neck. it’s so steady and firm, warm and comforting. “i’m sorry this is happening. we’ll figure it out. why don’t you lay down? i’ll sit with you if you think it’ll help. i’m just waiting for someone to call me back.”

“okay,” you mumble into his shoulder, taking a long, deep breath and savoring the shield of his arms against all else for a few moments longer. then you pull away and he sets the pillow down on the couch cushion for you. you sigh, lowering your head and pulling your legs up. you take care of the blanket yourself, but he still takes the time to make sure your feet are nice and covered so you don’t get cold overnight. he turns off the last lamp in the room, though the dim chandelier over the dinner shines through the doorway. then he pulls the coffee table closer to the couch and sits on it.

by the time he’s settled, your eyes are already closed, but there’s a pinch between your brows and a frown on your lips. he frowns back at you, his gaze sweeter and sadder now that you can’t see him. one of his sturdy hands finds yours, rubbing his thumb over your knuckles as if he can soothe away the crease right above your nose. a little huff of air leaves your nose and he frowns deeper. his other hand lands gently on the side of your head, smoothing over it to calm you and ease you into sleep. haley always falls asleep faster with his hands in her hair, so he thinks it might help you.

you feel his thumb brush over your eyebrow and you wonder if he knows that your dad used to do that when you were younger or if he’s just trying to get the anxious muscles in your face to relax. you’re pretty sure the frown never leaves your face, but you fall asleep much quicker than you thought you would. 

it’s not very restful, but your body keeps you in the dark until it picks up on the movement of aaron and haley going through their morning routine. there’s hushed footsteps and the sound of cereal pouring into a ceramic bowl, milk splashing.

you stretch slowly, neck aching, eyes dry, stomach and heart heavy. then you pad into the kitchen, feeling oddly shy and sheepish after overtaking the couple’s couch for the night and keeping aaron up and away from his wife until so late. they’re both in the kitchen, aaron ready for work and haley pouring her bowl of cereal. she looks tired when she turns in your direction at the sound of your footsteps, and aaron looks composed as always. haley looks at you with a much more obviously sympathetic expression, but he smiles at you too.

“would you like some cereal, honey?” haley asks, walking over to give your shoulder a little rub. “if you feel like something else, you’re more than welcome to anything in our fridge. don’t tell aaron, but there’s frozen waffles in the freezer.” the thought of eating makes your stomach churn a bit, but you think you can handle something as simple as cereal.

“just cereal is alright, thank you,” you murmur.

“of course, sweetheart,” she smiles, grabbing you a bowl and spoon and letting you serve yourself. you sit at the table in silence, slowly chewing the food that takes a little bit like nothing to you. neither of them ask you anything or try to make you talk when you’re clearly not wanting to. aaron stands to put his bowl away and leave. haley watches with a sigh as you quickly stand to meet him at the door.

“please let me come with you,” you ask, letting a bit of vulnerability seep into your voice. “i won’t be any trouble, i just– i don’t know if i can sit here and do nothing.” 

he purses his lips and studies you for a moment. sometimes it doesn’t help to have a family member hanging around as they search for someone. and sometimes they’re worse off there, too. but he knows you’ll listen if he asks you to just stay in his office and it might be good for you to see gideon. you’ve known him even longer than hotch.

“alright,” he relents, “why don’t you go grab a book, you won’t find the ones in my office to be any fun. get dressed quickly.” 

you nod once and your thank you trails behind you as you rush off to change out of your pajamas. then you’re in his car on the way to visit the bau after a long time. you haven’t been to the office in over a year. sometimes you avoid it like the plague, other times you try to visit more often to feel closer to your father when nothing else works.

gideon is the only one who’s there before hotch. when you were a kid you thought he lived there. he’s quick to give you a kind smile and warm hug. aaron thinks the hug does do you good, though it makes you a bit emotional when gideon says your name and a simple, “we’ll do our jobs and take care of it.” then he sends you back to aaron with a firm pat on your back.

aaron keeps you in his office after that, so you don’t see reid or morgan when they arrive. you catch a glimpse of morgan walking across the bullpen when you look out the window, though. it’s alright, you don’t really know them as well as hotch or gideon.

it takes a few long, silent, and tedious moments for you to settle enough, but you somehow find it in you to read the book aaron advised you to grab. you don’t really pick up all that much, but it’s a distraction. you scribble on some loose paper with a pen you unceremoniously lift from his desk. it takes a lot less time to get an update than you though it would. your hope was running low.

but hotch shows back up not to long after and closes the door behind him. he sits next to you. you stare at your hands.

“our technical analyst, garcia, was able to track your mother’s phone. it’s not turned off… but if looks like our calls weren’t going through. she didn’t answer, but garcia’s number was able to call her. we should be able to get a hold of her soon,” he explains evenly, gently, as he places a hand on your shoulders. there’s something, maybe more, that he’s not saying and you know it.

“…why weren’t our calls going through?” you whisper, afraid of the answer. he sighs like he’s afraid of giving it to you.

“it seems like she blocked our numbers, honey. we’ll keep looking until we’re sure she’s safe and we get in contact with her, but right now it looks like she’s… well, it looks like she’s running. garcia tracked her to a town in western pennsylvania. she’s stopped for gas along the i-80. we called her job. she put in her two weeks at the beginning of the month,,” he tells you, both apologetic and matter of fact. his suggestion hits you like a punch to the gut. they’ve found her. that’s good. aaron thinks she’s running, presumably away from you. not good. unacceptable, you feel.

“wh-why would she do that?” you ask, voice breaking and turning teary much faster than you intended for it to. you’re a bit horrified, and maybe a little lightheaded from it too. you’re sure that this can’t be real. 

“that’s what we’re trying to figure out. is there any reason you could think of?” he asks gently, trying not to make the question too abrasive. 

“no,” you insist, a little harshly and vehemently that it makes you feel a bit guilty. you’re angry and upset, though. “you’re asking me if there’s any reason i could think of that would explain her leaving me? s-supposedly rubbing away like- like some kind of teenager? except that means leaving her kid behind without a word? after promising me she’d pick me up and take me to dinner, is that what you’re asking?” you’re crying by the end of it. you hate how your anger always dissolves into these stupid, pitiful tears. 

aaron’s sorry that he asked, but it’s hard for him to believe it, too. he just wants to understand the situation. that’s how he figured out a way to start making it better. that’s his job. but he remembers that right now it’s his job to hug you. to tell you he’s sorry and that he’s honestly not sure what’s going on either. that he’ll figure it out, though, and get you back to your mom. maybe he’s not supposed to be completely honest, but he’s one for telling the full truth, so he tells you it might take time, but that he’ll be with you the whole time.

“i’m sorry, honey,” he says again. you cling to him and cry for a while. he fights the urge to check his watch and just keeps his hands cupping the back of your head and soothing up and down your back. 

you want to argue with him. to demand further proof, to insist that she’s innocent, like you’re her damn lawyer and he’s her prosecutor. that though makes you cry harder because you’re her child and he’s only trying to help. and you’re just so tired. far too tired to say anything, but a pained “why,” mumbled into his chest. he’s not perfectly sure, but he’s spent all last night and this morning figuring it out. he wishes he’d paid better attention, tried to see her more and picked up on things before she actually skipped town. god, he feels so sorry. 

“i don’t know,” he says quietly, a half truth at best. his whole job is to come to see and understand the why, and he has a few ideas, but it’s your mother’s job to explain it to you, not his. and his overly analytical conclusions, even if spoken gently, wouldn’t ease your mind one bit. “we’ll get her on the phone and we can ask her. we’ll figure it out. i want you to stay with haley and i until we’ve got everything sorted. is that alright with you?”

you wipe at your face and nod, still leaning against him. “okay.” you’re not sure how you feel about staying with your mother after all of this, even if she returns sooner than later. right now, it feels like aaron’s your only constant, even when he’s gone all the time. it’s just that he seems to come back each time, with a certain gentleness and the sort of soft smile that his coworkers don’t see very often. 

then, you suppose it’ll be weird. aaron will be away from home most of the time, and it’s not as if you can spend your days in his office. so you’ll be with haley, who’s about to become a mother, and you wonder if that’ll hurt too much.

but at the end of the day, you won’t be alone. “okay,” you repeat, as teary, a little more relieved, because you have something. something to cling to, and it has to be enough.

[fuckyeahdindjarin]

Voicemail

A Seams oneshot, but can be read independently of the series

{ Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist }

Rating: T

Summary: You find Joel's old Nokia at the back of a drawer.

Warnings: Angst, description of a panic attack, grief, comfort, no use of Y/N, reader has a nickname related to her job, reader has no physical description, definitely incorrect description of how mobile phones work, very lightly edited.

As always, Seams oneshots are set on a relaxed timeline. Voicemail can be considered to take place at an unspecified time after Part IV.

Word count: 1.8k

Notes: I don't know if anyone has written anything similar, but I've always wanted to write something about Joel's Nokia (the idea for Butter actually came from the phone scene in episode 1 - can't you tell? lol). This idea took me by surprise one night and didn't let me go.

Important note: I know voicemails don't work this way, but let's pretend that they are saved onto the mobile phone itself and can be accessed decades later, and that a Nokia can indeed survive the apocalypse.

After the outbreak, after Sarah, after missing his shot - he doesn’t remember much of those early, blurry days. Tommy barely managed to drag his catatonic ass to an abandoned house somewhere on the outskirts of town, where he had to punch him in the face to snap him out of it. 

It being a cocktail of shock, grief, pain and numbness that should’ve killed him, could’ve killed any man. And for the longest time he wished that it did.

It was in the aftershock of that punch, left cheek snapped to his shoulder and his eyes downcast, that Joel saw his Nokia was still clipped to his belt, by some miracle unscathed when everything else had fallen apart.

And he keeps it all these years.

He hadn’t meant to take it with him when he packed up his meagre life to leave Boston behind. But the grubby afternoon light glanced off the screen when he was grabbing maps and hammers from under the dusty floorboards, and with a fuck it, he shrugged and shoved it into the bottom of his backpack. 

If he was being honest with himself, it didn’t feel right leaving it behind.

And so the phone made it to Jackson, and survived the detour to Salt Lake City, largely forgotten. Joel was almost surprised by the sight of it when he finally unpacked his bag in the house that was now his and Ellie’s. 

With a wry smile, he tossed it into a nondescript drawer in the garage, never to see the light of day again.

Until one weekend, Joel asks you to help him find some obscure screwdriver in his garage, not able to get up from where he’s on his back, stemming the flow of the perpetually leaky sink in Ellie’s bathroom.

The space is cool, the shutters down and the air dank from the lack of sun. Under the flickering fluorescent light, you go through a frankly ridiculous number of toolboxes without sighting the elusive screwdriver. With a sigh, you try the middle drawer in the workbench, which is clogged with what looks like everything under the sun. 

Your lips twitch - Joel Miller is a messy man.

Digging around the random clutter, you startle when your fingers brush the long-forgotten, yet instantly familiar plastic case of the Nokia.

Wrapping your hand around the rectangular frame, you smile, in disbelief that you’re holding a mobile phone. You had a similar one that got lost in the confusion of the first days of the outbreak, and you haven’t seen one in the years since. At least not one in such good condition.

Joel’s faraway voice jolts you out of your thoughts. ‘Found it, sweetheart?’

‘Just a second!’ you call back.

Tucking the phone back where it came from, you grab the nearest screwdriver and hope for the best. 

It takes you a few days of asking around town, poking around dusty storerooms and untangling twenty year-old electric cords, but you eventually find what you’re looking for, and there’s a spring in your step as you cook dinner that evening. 

Joel seems to pick up on your energy, and he grins, amused, when he brings in the empty dishes after you eat.

‘You’re buzzin’ out of your skin, sweetheart,’ he teases, grabbing you by the waist. ‘What’s up with you?’

You cock your head to the side. ‘Well, I have a surprise for you.’

‘Is that so?’ he hums, then lets his voice drop an octave in playful insinuation. ‘What kind of surprise, hmm?’

‘Not that kind of surprise,’ you huff with a smile. ‘It’s - it’s hard to explain.’

‘Try me.’

Twisting out of his grip, you open a cabinet and pull out something that fits neatly in your palm. Joel frowns, confused by what looks like - a charger.

When you speak, it’s slow, as if you don’t want to startle him. ‘There’s a whole warehouse of wires and things down by the canteen. A patrol stumbled across an electronics shop in a nearby town a few years ago.’

He gives you a crooked smile. ‘And what am I s’pposed to do with it, sweetheart?’

You take a moment, making sure that his eyes are on you before the words come out. ‘I found the Nokia in your garage the other day, when I was looking for the screwdriver.’

You watch as Joel processes your words, and he goes still, stiller than you’ve ever seen him. 

Then he blinks and shuffles his feet, glancing down at the charger. ‘I - I didn’t expect this.’

You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. ‘I know. And you don’t have to do anything with it, really, but I just wanted you to have it.’

He nods, slowly. ‘Ok.’

Hesitating, you stutter, ‘So, um, do you - want to take it -?’

Joel holds his hand out, calloused palm quietly upturned. You half expect him to jump at the contact, but he doesn’t move a muscle when the black wire lands in his grasp, and his thick fingers curl around them.

‘I got the dishes, if you want to go first,’ you prompt softly.

Joel swallows, then nods. ‘Yeah, I think I’ll do that. If y’ don’t mind, sweetheart.’

‘Of course,’ you smile, pressing a kiss to his lips.

It’s cold outside, but he doesn’t feel it, not when the charger seems to be burning a hole in his hand. When he gets back to his house - empty, Ellie is at Lucy’s for dinner - he heads straight to the garage, and tugs open the drawer.

The Nokia stares back at him, screen blank.

Flinging the charger into the drawer without seeing where it lands, he shoves the drawer close with a snap.

Weeks pass. It hangs in the back of his mind like a spector, even though you don’t bring it up again, and he doesn’t either. 

He’s not sure if he’s afraid of it, or dreading it, or worst of all - hopeful of what he would find on it.

It’s been twenty years. Electronics don’t last that long. It’s gotta be wiped clean.

One Wednesday night, Ellie is upstairs, music blaring, doing ‘homework’ or whatever she does on a weeknight (he doesn’t believe in helicopter parenting), and Joel finds his thoughts drifting to that damn drawer.

Feeling reckless, he reaches for the top shelf in the kitchen, pours himself two fingers of whiskey, and charges into the garage.

Hopping onto a workstool, he takes a big gulp of liquid courage and sets the tumbler on the work surface. Before his resolve slips completely out of touch, he yanks on the handle, and he winces when the drawer yawns open with a screech.

The Nokia feels foreign to the touch, like he’s forgotten how to hold a phone. It was, of course, glued to his ear almost all hours of the day and night once upon a time. He turns the plastic case over and the other way around again, smoothing the pad of his thumb over the buttons.

There’s no putting it off forever.

In goes the plug into the electric socket, and he looks down, phone in the left hand, the end of the charger in the other.

He thinks he’s seeing double until he realises that his hands are fucking shaking.

In one determined motion, he slots the charger into the bottom of the phone and drops it like it’s acid.

Then he downs the rest of his whiskey.

He’s not sure how long he stares, the very air around him as unmoving as himself, and he feels the alcohol spread its warm fingers through his veins. 

Just when he’s about to look away, it happens.

The battery sign appears on the screen.

Joel almost chokes on a chuckle. He can’t fucking believe it. You really can’t kill a Nokia if you tried.

It doesn’t take long for the familiar home screen to pop up, the time on the top right corner, the battery in the bottom right. The bright green glare casts a cool glow in the dim. Joel picks up the phone, only to be nearly knocked backwards off the chair when the words flash across the screen.

1 NEW VOICEMAIL.

He’s sure his heart has stopped, it definitely feels like it, a deadweight in his chest sinking into his stomach. But he hears it, the relentless beat of it, pounding violently in his ears. Too fast. Gripping the edge of the work surface, he tries to breathe, mouth open, but air isn’t getting in.

It could be nothing. Could be a voicemail he missed from a client that night, or a junk call.

He’s not sure if he’s afraid of it, or dreading it, or worst of all -

He’s trembling so badly that he needs both hands to hold the phone steady, just so that his thumb presses the selection key.

He doesn’t hear the pre-recorded message, his brain skips it entirely. Then there’s five seconds of silence, and his life flashes before his eyes at the familiar beep -

Dad, are you on your way home? Please tell me you remembered the cake. Uncle Tommy bet me ten dollars that you won’t and I kinda need that lunch money tomorrow. See you soon, love you dad -

And everything goes white.

When Joel comes around, he’s on his knees, the empty tumbler in crystalline pieces around him. The phone is no longer attached to the charger, clutched so tightly in his hands that he feels the imprint of every button in his palm.

He won’t know that his face is wet with tears until you thumb the streaks off his cheeks on your doorstep minutes later, no memory of how he got there. You draw him into you, but your embrace barely contains his broad frame.

You can’t get him far in his state, whiskey on his breath and shivering all over. You drag him across the living room and onto the couch, where you curl up against him, warming him up with your body heat, cradling his head on your chest. The candlelight bounces off the phone screen, which glows green in his grasp.

It will take him weeks to get his head around what you have given him. And when he does, he will ask if you want to hear Sarah’s voice - shyly - as if you would ever say no. 

Watching him watch you, Sarah’s warm, fun-loving voice in your ear, the seams of your lashes sting with tears as your heart clenches, swells, breaks for him - and then put together again by his hand finding you, fingers filling the gaps between yours.

But for now, he lies prostrate, his weight pinning you to the couch, as you comb soothing fingers through his hair, anchoring him to you.

‘I got you, Joel,’ you whisper in his ear, and his eyelids droop and his breathing evens out, as if he’s run a thousand miles. ‘I got you.’

As he drifts off to sleep - his baby girl's love you dad echoing between his ears - he knows that you do.

More notes: I don't lean too hard into angst in my fics as a rule, so this took me places I haven't been for a while, but it's ok cos Pin's got our man 🥺 Thank you for reading, as always! ❤️

[littlerequiem]

we mourned the sea ˚⁎⁺ chapter 2

> Crossposted on AO3

Levi hasn't seen you in a year, and he wonders how you will find him. Changed, perhaps. Lost, definitely. Or: After the war, you and Levi learn to live in this new world.

𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 - Levi Ackerman / Female Reader (Attack on Titan)

𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐓 - Rated Explicit (18+). Post-Canon, Post-War, Romance, Hurt/Comfort, Domestic, Fluff, Angst, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Grumpy/Sunshine, Friends to Lovers, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Chronic Pain, Panic Attack, Depression, Ambulatory Wheelchair Use, Descriptions of the Rumbling (WC: 7k)

( Previous chapter / Next chapter / WMTS' Masterlist )

-

It’s past curfew when you catch a glimpse of Levi on the rooftop of the infirmary. He's been coming up here this past week, though this is the first time you approach him.

“You gonna tell anyone?” Levi asks. He’s playing with a small pocket knife, twirling it in his hand.

You consider his question. No doubt Erwin would want to know about his new gamble sneaking away from the barracks every evening. Then again, knowing Erwin, he might already know and chooses to just let it slide anyway.

You lean your weight over the edge of the window sill, gazing at the way moonlight crowns Levi's hair. “Are you going to hurt anyone with that knife?”

Levi's eyes twinkle in the night. “What, just because I’m from the Underground means I’m gonna stab someone?”

“Actually,” you say carefully, “I was more worried about you hurting yourself.”

His eyes lose their fire; he focuses back on his knife. “I won’t.”

.

.

.

Freedom—it is the ability to glimpse at endless blue skies; it is horse riding until dusk; it is choices and opinions and being able to voice them.

These days, Levi takes it for granted, his freedom. He’s an ungrateful asshole like that.

If the people from his childhood would hear him now, they would spit in his face. Try to beat him to a pulp. Here he is, lacking gratitude, when some poor lowlife was born and died in that shit hole that was the Underground.

Levi hears that the Underground doesn’t exist anymore. You’ve told him that the Rumbling caused earthquakes to fracture the ground, that much of the subterranean city has been buried under. There were some casualties, of course, but the worst could be avoided since Queen Historia had ordered a gradual evacuation years prior.

Levi wonders if the people now discovering life above ground still have violence in their blood the way he once did when he first saw the sun.

“Levi, where is your secret tea stash?”

Your question muffles over the sound of the kettle groaning awake on the gas stove, blending with the sound of waves crashing outside. It tears him right out of his thoughts and away from the headline he'd been reading: 'More than 75% of refugees in Marley now rehoused, much work still remains in the mental aftermath of the war'.

Levi has been up for several hours now, breakfast long since consumed. You, on the other hand, just got up, the whisks of sleep still present in your cadence, in the corners of your eyes. An anomaly to be sure—Levi remembers you being an early riser, but he supposes that habits, just like people, change.

“Why would I have a secret tea stash?” 

You yawn, a hand covering your mouth. “Well... you always had a secret tea stash, didn't you?”

“To hide from cadets and their grubby fingers. I’m all alone here.”

“Mm." You shrug, words a little slurred. "You could still want to hide a thing or two from me.”

“Then I wouldn’t tell ya where it was, would I?” Levi leans one elbow over the kitchen table, chin lazily resting on the center of his palm. His index finally pokes out to give directions. “S’on the left side, second cupboard.”

Your gaze follows his directive, only to look at him with a slightly more straight posture. “See, that wasn’t so hard.” You stick your tongue out, like a damn child. “Words. They help.”

Levi refrains from rolling his eyes. He watches you open the cupboard, grabbing the tin of loose tea leaves.

On the chair next to him, Scout is curled up and fast asleep. The kitten's muzzle scrunches as she dreams.

“Are you sure I'm allowed to drink this?” 

Levi's eyes flicker back towards you. You're facing him, looking uncertainly at the tea.

“Yeah," he says. 

"But isn't this special? Isn't this tea from Paradis?"

It is tea from Paradis, courtesy of Armin. It's one of Levi's last boxes, in fact. He knows he'll eventually run out of it, and while he supposes he could ask for more of it, he thinks his taste buds will just need to adapt to something else. That's just the way life goes.

"You know," he mutters, "if you’re gonna be like this about every little thing around the house, it's gonna get tiring real fast.”

You focus on the tea preparation, turning away from him. “I’m just being polite."

“Why? You never bothered before."

"Ouch. Harsh.”

"S'not," Levi mumbles, running a hand through his hair. It’s freshly washed, still a bit damp. "I mean, no need to act all fake and shit."

"Okay... but this isn't like life in the Survey Corps. This is your house."

His house. Levi doesn't know if he should be more possessive about these things, the way he's seen some townspeople be with their possessions, but Levi's just never been one to care about these things. He never has.

Levi flips his newspaper to the next page. "So long as you keep the place clean, I don’t care about the rest."

“You don’t care?”

You've turned back in his direction, and his eyes meet yours. There's a spark in your gaze.

Oh you’re taunting him.

Levi crosses his arms over his chest. "Drill this into your head, Adler: anything that’s mine is yours, so just treat this place as such.”

That seems to shut you right up. You blink with a dumbfounded expression, apparently startled by his (accidental, Levi swears it was accidental) turn of phrasing. It’s soon replaced by words uttered beneath your breath, words Levi doesn’t quite grasp because his own ears are whistling. He returns his attention back to the newspaper, attempting to shrug off the weight of the innuendo.

Anything that’s mine is yours. What a stupid thing to say. That almost sounded like a confession or some shit. One day in, and Levi's already screwing up with his words.

For the next minute, Levi tries his damn best to focus on his newspaper.

“Getting her beauty rest, huh?” Levi looks up; you're placing two cups of tea on the table, one pushed towards him, along with a plate for the infusers. You're eying Scout. “She seems glued to your side,” you muse, sitting down.

“Kittens sleep a lot,” Levi supplies lamely.

“In any case, it’s cute to see the two of you together.”

Levi turns the handle of his cup to his left side. “Please.”

“Can you imagine what everyone would say? The fearless Captain Levi, succumbing to a cat—”

"Quit talking and just drink your tea, would you?”

A smirk tugs at your lips. “Aye, aye, captain."

For a moment, silence does fall, and his peripheral catches your chest rising and falling, something oddly quaint and peaceful about witnessing your breathing. You take to staring outside the window, looking at the view of the sea glimmering in the distance. He follows your line of sight, noting that there’s a buildup of crusted salt around the windows; Levi should really clean it off before summer ends.

“Hey, so,” you interrupt after a while, “I was thinking of going to the market today. Get a few things. Maybe find a job.”

Levi locks eyes with you. “A job?” 

“Mm. Yeah. Something that makes sense for me...”

You want to get back to the medical field, already? You just got here.

“Why the hurry?"

“Well…" you say, "I don’t want to leech off you forever—”

“You're not.”

“Still, it'd be good for me, right?” You shoot a bright smile—something too bright about it. Levi's eyes narrow. “Anyway, you wanna join or what? You know... I’d love to meet all the nosy people you’ve told me about.”

Levi purses his lips, feeling as though you glossed over that subject much too quickly. A part of him wants to nudge you a bit, though his usual habit to just let you be kicks in. Whatever you're hiding, you have your reasons.

Levi considers your proposal. He knows it would be better if he didn’t join, seeing how damn foolish he’s already acting around you. He should try to set clear boundaries with you.

And yet—

“Sure,” comes out of him all the same.

Well, so much for that, anyway.

.

.

.

“You flew.”

You stand there, staring at the sight of the man as he finishes his round of training.

Levi shoots you a look, grappling with the hand grips. “I’m just using the ODM gear correctly.”

You take a step towards him. “No, but you’re amazing. You must know that, right? I’m not a soldier, but… I know talent when I see it.”

He gives you an odd look then, and before you have a chance to say anything else, propels himself in the air and disappears into the shadows of the forest.

.

.

.

At the market, Levi follows you around like a brooding shadow.

He’s in his wheelchair today. Behind him, you’re pushing him and asking questions about the scenery and the people and all sorts of trivial things.

(“Look, look there, all these teas. Have you tried any of them?”

“Some.”)

(“I'm gonna buy some flowers to plant in the gardens. Is that alright?”

“Do what you want.”)

(“Is the sea always as pretty?”

“Yeah. Sometimes, there's shit that gets carried in.”

"How poetic.")

(“Look, Levi! A car.”

“It looks dangerous.”

“I think I’d like to try driving. Get over my fear, you know?”

“You’re going to get yourself killed.”

“Hey, give me some credit! S’not so different from riding a horse, right?”

“You’ve got a few screws loose up there, you know that?”)

Well, Levi was never great at talking. Not that you seem to mind; you’ve always liked to ask him questions and fill in the blanks when needed. Most of the time, it’s the silence that sits comfortably between the two of you that Levi appreciates so much anyway. It just is, like a soft cloud fills the sky with shapes.

You're now moving next to him, calmly taking in the sight of the buzzing market. It's a little too busy for Levi's liking, but the sight of you distracts him: you’re wearing a sunhat with ribbons, coupled with your cotton overalls. Levi’s never seen you wear a hat like this one before, but he thinks it suits you.

“You should protect your skin from the sun,” you said earlier. “That’s why I wear a hat.”

“I didn’t come to the surface to run away from the sun,” he grumbled back, even if he did notice how warm summers in Marley truly are (and yes, he’d gotten sunburned on several occasions, and also yes, his injured eye stings every time the sun shines too brightly... but, still, Levi wouldn’t budge).

“Good morning, dear boy! What a surprise to see you here!” someone says, tearing Levi out of the thoughts.

Attached to that booming voice is none other than Levi's boss, Adam Jakowski.

Originally an Eldian from Marley, Mr Jakowski was one of the first residents that settled here in Mare. He quickly opened his carpentry shop, and when Levi moved in, he found a job there.

Today, however, Mr Jakowski isn't here for any carpentry-related trades. Every week-end, the man likes to come here and share the goods his wife makes.

"What brings you here?" Mr Jakowski asks.

“I was dragged out, believe it or not,” Levi answers, head bobbing towards you.

Next to him, he hears you snort.

“And who might this pretty young lady be? Are you the missus Ackerman, perchance?” Mr Jakowski asks, his tone carrying a curiosity only people genuinely interested in others are capable of mustering.

Levi feels his cheeks burn at the idea, but you just chuckle, swatting a hand in the air to dispel the notion. “No such thing, sir. But I am new to town and it pleases me all the same to make your acquaintance. Miss Adler, charmed to meet you.”

Levi’s thin brows knit together. It’s the first time he hears you introduce yourself without your profession tied in.

Miss Adler. Not Dr Adler.

Strange.

“Well met, Miss Adler… Well met, indeed! Ah, it is a pleasure to see new faces in Mare, especially a lovely one such as yours. Will you be staying here for a while?”

“Mm. Who knows?” You smile. “I can’t quite say yet, to tell the truth.”

Levi’s throat suddenly feels a little thick.

“Anyway, what are you selling here, sir?” you ask, peering over the stall of the merchant, gazing at all the products and zeroing on a particular one: a red paste.

“The one you're eying is a paste from the eastern part of Marley, ma'am. It’s made with paprika and bell-peppers, you see. Great for inflammations and stomach issues,” the old man explains. He makes you smell it, then turns around to sprinkle it onto something. “You can coat it like so,” he raises a piece of bread that he smears with the red paste, “or add it to your cooking.”

He hands you the toast.

You bite into it, chewing for several moments as you raise a hand over your mouth. “Walls! It does have such a particular taste. It’s the aftertaste, right? Spicy.”

Your eyes wander to meet Levi’s, and you raise the bread slightly in his direction as if to inquire if he wants to taste it as well. Levi shakes his head, and you shoot him a smile, gulping down the rest of the food.

Levi crosses his arms over his chest, drumming his left index in a series of five taps over his forearm—tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. Next to him, he hears the way you engage in easy conversation, talking about the weather, how the region has adjusted to the influx of settlers, how you're looking for a job and how, yes, you’d love to meet his wife and daughter!

The rest flies over his head. Instead, Levi looks up at your sunhat again, admiring the way it hugs the shape of your skull, the way the ribbons flow gently with the breeze.

Levi wonders if he could buy you a hat. Or sew you a new ribbon. Would you accept his gifts?

At last, you seem convinced of the product and order three jars. This is the moment when Levi comes back to his senses, seeing you rummage through your pockets to find coins to pay for your purchase.

No such luck.

Levi beats you to it, slinging out the leather pouch his first squad gifted him many years ago, placing the change in Mr Jakowski's hands.

You blink, mouth parted, but Levi just plops the jars he receives into your bag, wheeling himself back.

He hears you fumble your goodbyes to Mr Jakowski, thanking him for his help, and at once, your voice is in his ears.

“Levi, why did you just pay?” you ask, tone bewildered.

“Don’t make a big deal out of nothing.”

“I’m not." You stop in front of him, all stern-looking, hands on your hips. "You didn’t have to do that.”

Levi raises a defiant brow. “But I did, and it’s done.”

“Don’t make it sound so simple. You’re already letting me stay in your house for free. I intend to pay my dues, you know. I have money.”

“I'm sure you do.”

“You—”

“Complain again and I won’t let you pay for a damn thing.”

You close your mouth, glaring at him.

Levi swears he hears something along the lines of ‘I’ll just sneak it back into your pockets later’ whispered under your breath, but when he narrows his eyes in your direction, you feign a look of innocence.

After purchasing everything you wanted to purchase—a book on art, flower beds for the garden—you finally settle in a cozy little café on the town’s square. You order some pastries, while Levi takes his usual tea, the closest thing that resembles the tea from back home. You watch people from everywhere bustle by while Levi sips on his drink.

“Hey, look!” you point out suddenly. “I’ve never seen those birds before.”

You've pointed to a flock of birds of all colors, no larger than a fist. They’re hopping on the ground, scavenging for food. You get up, asking for some seeds from a waiter to feed them.

“Why did they migrate to this part of the world?” you wonder as you lay out food for them.

Levi doesn’t know what to say. He stares at the birds, nibbling the seeds, admiring the way their feathers seem foreign in this strange land.

Maybe, Levi thinks to himself, just like all the rest of this town, the birds were looking for a new home.

.

.

.

“You know, you should try to teach them.”

Levi’s bored expression swerves in your direction. You’re back to leaning on the window sill, while he sits on the rooftop. A routine, these last weeks.

“What?” Levi mutters.

“Your combat skills. I saw you at training again. I’ve never seen anything quite like the way you handle yourself. You should teach the other cadets.”

His eyes narrow. “Why would I do that?”

“You’ve been out there, right? Seen what the titans are like? You could save their lives.”

.

.

.

The square of Mare is quiet at this time of the evening. A half-moon hangs lazily over the black sky, casting its silver glow over Mare.

You’ve both been drinking. Cheap, bubbly, acidic. Cremant, a drink native to Marley. It was given to you by a shopkeeper when you picked up bread earlier—all it took was seeing you by his side and hearing you were new in town. The woman practically threw the bottle at you, offering it as a welcome gift. You tried to refuse, many times over, but the woman wouldn't take no for an answer (“We need young blood around, so anythin’ to convince younglings like yourself to settle down!”).

Now, here you are, finishing the bottle together in a park. Levi sits with you on a bench, his wheelchair tucked behind it.

Silence.

Levi thinks there’s something on your mind. You’ve never been easy to read; you’ve got a tendency to hide and scheme, to play it off like it’s no big deal, but it’s always your lips that give you away. You bite them when you’re worried, you pout when you’re deep in thoughts.

“Hey.” Levi raises your attention, only to find gentle eagerness on your face. It makes him frown for some reason. “Say something.”

You seem a little taken aback by his directive. It’s rare for Levi to actually seek conversation after all, much less to be the one initiating it.

“What do you want me to say?” you ask.

Levi shrugs. “I don’t know, just anything.”

“Like… what?”

Levi mulls it over. If it were him, he’d hate to be put on the spot and asked outright what to say. So he decides to try a tactic he’s seen you use on others—starting with something light before finding the right angle to tackle the actual subject.

“What was your favorite sight?” he inquires. “On your travels.”

“My… favorite sight?”

Levi gives you a look that makes it clear he’s not gonna repeat himself.

“The sea, of course.” You raise your feet on the bench, hugging your knees as you stare off pensively. “It’s funny, really. With every nation we visited, we saw mountains, deserts and forests… but I kept coming back to the sea.”

Levi remembers the first time he saw the sea. The water, glimmering like thousands of silver gems. The blue sky, coming to meet its shine. The 104th brats, with awestruck wonder. Hange and their brazen curiosity.

And you, the way you’d looked at him…

If ever there was a moment of peace during Levi’s years as a soldier, it was those blissful hours spent by the sea. It felt like the world had grown so big, and that there was only wonder to be discovered.

Of course, reality had caught up.

“I’m glad you’ve picked a place like this one to settle down,” you say. "It kind of feels like a homecoming, you know?"

"Yeah."

“The stars are so bright out here.”

Levi follows your line of sight.

This past year, Levi has rediscovered an admiration for stars. Back inside the Walls, they reminded him of Isabel and Furlan, of his dreams from another life. This past year, they’ve started making him think of you, too.

All because of one of your letters: 'Levi, do you ever think about the fact that, despite the distance that separates us, every night, when we look at the sky, we see the same stars?'

“What else,” he finds himself asking, “what else do you have to say about your travels?”

“Hmm… what do you want to know exactly? I wrote so much in my letters, I’d have thought you’d be tired of hearing about that topic.”

“Yeah, but you only described random shit. What was it like?”

What was it like without me?

That thought hangs on his tongue, begs for relief, but Levi bites it down. It’s not right for him to ask; it's none of his business.

And yet, your answer still takes him by surprise, “It was… hard.”

At that, Levi does raise a brow. He finds your gaze already on him.

“The sights were... nice, of course,” you explain. “I got to witness all manners of landscapes. Those were the photographs I sent you in my letters. But then, well, the rest came.”

You swallow loudly. Levi finds his heart squeezing, though he doesn’t fully understand why.

“Seeing the aftermath of the Rumbling…” Your lower lip quivers as the volume of your tone decreases. “It was horrifying. The emptiness was the worst. It’s not like murdering someone in cold blood, see. There, you have to deal with bodies. But, what Eren did…”

You shudder. Levi thinks you’re trying to even out your breathing, and a part of him wants to reach out to you and squeeze your hand. And yet, he knows there’s nothing he can do to really alleviate those images flashing in your brain. That nothing he does can make it right again, that the pain you feel is the cost both of you need to bear for the rest of your lives.

“After that, I went with Armin because I knew he would need help, because I always believed in diplomacy… because I still believe in it. Even now," you say. "But many nations hate the Eldians from Paradis. They hate us and maybe they have every right to hate us.”

You stop talking and close your eyes. For a while, the lull in conversation allows Levi to stare at you unabashedly, to commit your features to memory.

“Why did you never say any of this in your letters?” he asks mid-silence.

“I guess it felt easier not to mention it. I don’t know. I wanted you to hear hopeful things in my letters.”

“I’ve seen how shitty the world can be.”

“I know, but that’s exactly why.” Your eyes somehow find his own again. “That’s why I didn’t want you to know it’s still the same out there.”

It makes Levi’s blood rush, like he was some breakable thing that needed to be protected. “You don’t need to coddle me.”

And yet, you don’t even seem to notice the snap in his tone, your crossed arms tightening around your knees.

“I know, Levi,” you whisper. “But that doesn’t mean that my pain is your burden to bear.”

Seeing your deflated expression, dipped chin resting over your knees as you lose yourself to your thoughts, Levi’s defense mechanism fizzles away.

That’s the thing about you.

No matter how harshly he reacts, you never seem to rise to the same level as him, the way others did in the military, and it might be why Levi always found it easier to stay by your side.

“You dumbass,” he says with a sigh. Despite telling himself to hone it back, Levi can’t help but raise a hand to the back of your skull, ruffling your head gently—the only comfort he knows how to hand out right now. “Of course that’s my burden.”

The knot in your throat bobs. “Levi, you don’t—”

“Don’t give me that.” He pauses, the words heavy on his tongue. “Even I no longer have the rank to prove it… what does it matter? Nothing’s changed.”

Your voice comes out grated. “Nothing’s changed?”

Levi hesitates. So much hangs on this question. Of course, things have changed.

And yet…

Levi retreats his hand, patting his stiff leg. “Some things did.”

“Oh... does it still hurt a lot?”

“Some days more than others. The doctor has helped.”

“I’m glad. Are you still seeing him every other week?”

He nods.

“That’s good. I’m glad.”

Levi's eyes narrow. “You said that already.” You shoot him a lopsided smile. He sighs, shaking his head. “Anyway, you gonna tell me why you stopped calling yourself a doctor?”

Different degrees of surprise flash across your face. Your eyes are wide as saucers, while your mouth stays slightly open.

Levi waits... and waits.

“Hey, you’re not trying to catch flies, are you?” he says, lifting a finger to poke at your chin.

His physical reminder seems to bring you back to the present.

At once, a pout forms on your lips. “How did you know I no longer want to be a doctor?”

Levi shrugs with one arm, pressing his back against the bench. “I guessed, and you just confirmed it.”

“I didn’t think you’d notice so quickly." You let out a wry snort, shaking your head. "Should have known; you’re always so perceptive.”

“And you’re beating around the bush.”

“Indeed, I am. It’s just… I’m scared of your judgment.”

At that, Levi has to frown. 

“Don’t give me that look, Levi Ackerman. Your judgment, yes. You’re a very scary man, just not for all the reasons people think you are.”

In the distance, the sound of seagulls drifts from the skies. 

“When I asked you if I could come here…” you say after a moment, “I kept on thinking to myself: What will Levi think of me?” You raise one hand to your face, glancing at the scar that runs from your index to the lower part of your palm—a memento left by the Yaegerists. “What will he think of this hand?”

Levi stays silent.

Your smile turns bitter. “You always said my hands were made for healing. But after everything that happened, everything we did, they’re not anymore. They can’t be.”

“Hey—”

“—and the question kept playing in a loop in my head. Will Levi think I’m a coward? Will he think less of me for giving up on this? Is he gonna be done with me?”

Levi ignores all the ways you seem to include him in your insecurities and focuses on one thing only: “You’re a lot of things but a coward isn’t one of them.”

You shake your head. “But I am a coward. I don’t have it in me to heal people, not like that anymore.”

Levi doesn’t know why, but there’s suddenly a sense of dread forming in his pit of his stomach. “Is that why you’re here?” 

Your eyes fire back on him. “No, I didn’t come here to escape, or as a last resort.” You glance away. “But I do feel… lost.”

That makes Levi backtrack. You? Lost? The doctor who blazed through the Survey Corps’ ranks, making her demands known to the Interior and Erwin like it was no big deal, who pushed for changes to save soldiers' lives?

That doesn’t align with the person he knows.

“I don’t think it’s right anymore, the path I chose.” Your tone is suddenly more frail, more vulnerable. “The first three years after the Rumbling, it felt like the right thing to do, giving my skills in helping others but now… Now I feel like a fraud. To arrive here, I had to end lives.”

Levi’s throat is heavy. “We all did.”

You ignore his words. “The attack in Trost, the one in Liberio, and so many others…. I killed people there. I did. And I remember your words, Levi, about it being us or them but I… now, whenever I look at my hands, all I see is the stain of blood. After all of that, I just don’t think I’m fit to call myself a doctor anymore.”

“You shouldn’t regret the past.”

“Maybe. But it's easier said than done.”

“Is that why you’re now calling yourself Miss Adler?”

You nod.

Levi purses his lips. He cannot understand your perspective, not truly, because his own moral compass has never been set right. To him, killing was always about survival and there was never good or bad. There simply was the act and the aftermath. There was the fact that he needed to keep on pushing, for humanity.

Despite this, Levi wants to understand. He wants to tell you that your hands did heal, that they continue to heal in invisible ways. He wants to tell you that however you want to become want, it’s all fine to him.

“Then start over,” he declares, throwing an arm to the back of the bench.

“Yeah.” You snort, fiddling with a loose strand of fabric of your overalls. “It’s not that easy, starting over, is it?”

“Never said it was.” Levi would know. It’s not like he’s here to preach the moral high ground. “But if you want to, you’re the only one that can make it happen.”

“Yeah, I know.” You raise a hand to press against your right eye. Levi has the strange urge to tuck it away, to take it in between his own, but he holds himself back. “It’s just… hard. You know, when we were fighting titans, then humans, then nations… I just never considered who I would be after all of it. And when I found myself trying, I found I wasn’t the person I once was, that I couldn’t do what I would have done any more. You know?”

“Yeah.”

“Old me would have kept on going. Old me would have continued to heal people and traveled and helped Armin with peace negotiations. And I tried. Walls, I tried, Levi. But at the end of the day, I just find myself… tired. I’m just so tired.”

Something heavy fills Levi’s chest. He understands, to a degree, what you’re going through. He knew his role was over the moment that the fighting stopped, but for you, the war hasn’t stopped raging—conflicted on where your place should be.

“Sorry," you say, "I know I’m wallowing here, that I’m throwing my own pity party. But, shit, it’s hard, you know?”

“Yeah. But it’s fine, to wallow. No one expects you not to have setbacks.”

“You don’t mean that. Weren’t you always telling soldiers not to linger and look back? Besides, I don’t get to say any of this in front of you. Not with everything you went through.”

Levi’s jaw clenches. “Hey. It’s not a competition.”

This time, he reaches for your hand and unclasps it, noticing you digging your nails into your skin. He forces you to squeeze his hand instead—only, now, you treat him with such care, not even applying pressure.

Levi takes it as his cue to drive his point home, “I only said what I said because a Scout’s life was a battlefield every day. But we’re not soldiers anymore.”

He sucks in a breath at those words; he realizes it’s the first time he acknowledges it out loud: We're not soldiers anymore. Levi's a hypocrite, saying these things, when he himself hasn’t let go completely. And yet, for your sake, he wants to pretend—he wants to pretend that there’s a way out for the both of you.

“So I’ve told you, the offer still stands," he adds. "You can stay here for as long as you want."

“Careful what you promise, Levi." You snort. "I’m going to be a real burden to you.”

“Only when you don’t clean.”

Your weak snicker turns into laughter. It might be the most enchanting of sounds Levi’s heard in a long while.

Levi lets go of your hand, despite the fact that he wishes he could hold on, but he tells himself that friends don’t hold each other’s hands for prolonged moments. And that's what the two of you are. Friends.

“You know, when it came down to it… after months of introspection,” you say, voice soft, “all I knew is that I wanted to be near you.”

Oh.

“I stayed away for a year, thinking I could prove to myself, to you, that I wasn’t the needy person I once was," you say. "That I could, I don’t know, manage on my own. But all I got was… how much I missed you.”

Levi thinks his breathing might have stopped entirely.

“Levi, you’re… you’re important to me. You know that, right?” Your eyes find his own, glimmering under the moonlight. “I think… I just don’t want to not have you in my life anymore. Is that a strange thing to say?”

Levi is speechless. He stares at your lips, how plump and lovely they seem, glistening with moisture. He feels sweat on his back—damn this hellish warm weather—and he thinks perhaps he should act.

He forces his mouth open but instead of words—

Bang.

Bang.

Bang.

An explosion blasts in his ears.

Levi screws his eyes shut, bracing himself for the impact. There’s screams echoing in the back of his skull, bullets ricocheting against concrete. He smells the charred scent of bodies, sweet and off-putting.

But the fighting never comes. When he evens out his breathing, leaning his weight onto the bench, he notices—

You’re on the floor.

Your hands are covering your ears, your lower lip wobbling. You’re muttering things under your breath, things Levi can’t recognize, but there’s tears brimming the corner of your eyes, and Levi realizes then what happened.

You’re hyperventilating.

At once, Levi is by your side, bending down. The action causes his legs to scream in pain, but he promptly ignores it. He sees you and only you.

You, on the other hand, are unable to look at him; you whimper erratically.

Levi can deduce the source of your panic, because he’s had his own moments like this. It’s the way certain noises, smells, and others pull him back into the past. It must be the same for you.

“Hey,” Levi’s voice comes low and clear, trying to muster it all for you, “take a deep breath. It's not guns. Just fireworks some teenagers are toying with.”

But you seem unable to follow his advice, shaken as you are. You squeeze your eyes shut, tears clumping, streaming thick down the valleys of your cheeks. He sees your fingers pull at the strands of your hair.

Before he can think about it, his arms reach out of you, looping around the small of your back, where he draws you in. He presses you firmly against him. At first, you attempt to fight him back, muttering “no, no, no,” beneath your breath, but when Levi finally manages to smooth over your words with his own, you stop fighting.

Your head slumps down into the crest of his shoulder, like you were just a ragdoll gone limp. Levi tries to ignore the way his worry doubles down.

“Adler, listen to my voice,” he urges, trying to use things that have helped him during his worst panic attacks, during his worst episodes. Of course, Levi never allowed anyone to see him like this, but if he had, he thinks this would have helped. “Your ear’s pressed against my heart right now. Do you hear my heartbeat?”

“Y-yeah,” you answer, voice barely a raw whisper. The sound is enough to shatter something in Levi. It’s so small, so fragile.

“Focus on it," he says. "Focus on me speaking. Pretend that it’s the only sound in the world.”

You seem to attempt to laugh, but it comes across as another nervous sob, hiccups strangling your words. “S-someone thinks h-ighly of his v-voice.”

Levi just clicks his tongue, tightening his hold on you.

Your hands interweave with the collar of his shirt, and you bury your face deeper into his neck. It takes several moments, but he feels the tension in your spine untangle, vertebrate by vertebrate.

“Steady,” he murmurs against the shell of your ear. “You’re alright.”

Your warm lips, drenched with tears, move against his neck. “I just can’t do it, ‘Vi… I just can’t.”

“You can.”

“I’m fucking stuck and I feel so guilty there’s always noises in my brain…” A sob cracks out of you. “I’m so fucking lost.”

“But you’re not alone.”

Your knuckles tighten, but your breath falters.

“You’re not alone,” Levi repeats. His three-fingered hand weaves through the hair at the back of your skull, mingling between your locks. He’s reminded of another time, long ago, when he did this after Nanaba died. “Even if you feel lost right now.”

“I just—I don’t want to be a bother. I don't want to overstay my w-welcome.”

“You’re not. You can stay as long as you want.” Until you grow tired of me. “Whatever you want, it’s yours.”

You’re still hiccuping for air as you draw away from him. You seem to be searching for something, dazed and blurry.

“Y-you don’t mind?” you ask.

"Have I ever said something I didn't mean?"

"I... I guess not."

For a while, neither Levi nor you say anything else. He watches as your eyes cast down, eyelashes still full of tears. Your breath is back to being steady, though no less frail.

Eventually, your digits settle over his forearms, looking back at him with puffy eyes.

He offers you his clean handkerchief from his breast pocket. 

You take it with a crooked smile, staring down at the white cloth. “Thank you, Levi. I mean it.”

Levi looks away; he doesn't think he's done much.

“Walls.” You hiccup, lifting the handkerchief to your eyes. “I’ve made a scene, haven’t I? It’s the alcohol, I s-swear. I barely d-drink these days.”

“You were always a lightweight.”

“Pff, don’t remind me.”

“Well, judging by the brats walking towards us," he looks over your shoulders, "they’ve come to apologize.”

Sure enough, moments later, as you help Levi up and you both sit back down on the bench, three snotty kids approach the scene with a look of apology plastered on their faces.

One of them, a boy with vibrant ginger hair, takes the lead. “Ma’am… are you alright?”

You sniffle, eyes still red. “Fine—”

“She’s not fine, brat,” Levi interjects. “Don’t light this shit up in public.”

The boy grimaces with the kind of juvenile innocence only kids can muster.

“Don’t listen to him,” you say, giving Levi a look. “But hey, do try to be careful, ‘kay? Don’t light up things like this all on your own. Fireworks are dangerous, not to mention they’re scary when they’re up so close.”

“I... I won't do it no more, ma’am…" the boy says. "I really didn’t mean to scare you.”

“That’s alright. You couldn’t have known.”

The boy nods before finally fleeting up and meeting Levi's glare. The child instantly cowers back.

“Mistakes happen," Levi grumbles with a softer tone. "Just be more careful.”

“Y-yeah, mister. Won’t happen again.”

"Good."

.

.

.

Erwin finds you in the stables one day. “Levi is integrating with the squad.”

You stop cleaning your horse, raising a brow at the man. “Is he now?”

“Mm." There's wistful amusement on Erwin's face. "He's giving advice to his comrades.”

"Is that right?"

That night, when you greet Levi on the rooftop of the infirmary, you don't say a thing about this exchange, but you'll smile just a bit brighter at him anyway. 

.

.

.

Levi comes back from his evening shower to find something waiting for him in his bedroom. A piece of paper, carefully folded in three, is placed on his cabinet. Next to it is a medium-sized, black pouch.

Levi first unfolds the piece of paper, unsurprised to find that it’s a letter and that it’s from you.

Levi, You’ll excuse me for coming in without asking, but you insinuated I should make myself comfortable, so… Here I am. You know, if you're going to let me pay for things, then it’s decided: I’m going to bribe you with new tea! No, you can’t fight me on that. As you know, I’m a force of nature—unstoppable. Here’s a new blend for you. I know for certain you haven’t tried this one because it’s straight from my travels. I don’t know why I waited a week to give it to you, but I hope you like it. Your amazing new roomie, - A.

Levi’s lips twitch. He can just picture you scribbling those words in your room, a grin on your face, waiting for him to take a shower just so you can place this handout in secret.

He briefly puts the letter back down, moving to open the gift. The black pouch hides a tea tin of simple design, with an etiquette that’s handwritten. White pu-erh tea. He slowly unscrews the sealed top, bringing it close to his nose to inhale its potent fragrant. Tea aromas, rich in citrus, fill his brain with a lovely buzzing effect. It smells nice, unlike anything he’s encountered before and Levi thinks its taste will be to his liking—that you picked it knowing it would.

His eyes stray back to the letter, picking it back up. He loves the way you write his name, the way you loop the letters together. It's elegant.

With his heart just a bit lighter than usual, Levi adds your letter to the chest under his bed, filled with the rest of your correspondence.

-

A/N: Thanks for reading! I was really touched by all the engagement the first chapter got, truly, so thank you for that. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and hey, if you have a minute, I'd love to hear your thoughts in any shape or form! Take care <3

( Next chapter / Join my taglist )

[nadinescholtes]

Horror AU before and final stage of the mutations.

My idea for this horror dimension:

This creator was fascinated by Bloodmoon's murderous tendencies, he thought it was much better than Moon's killcode. So he copied Bloodmoon's code, similar like Ruin did and turned it into a virus. His plan was to plant it into Moon and make him murderous like he was supposed to be.

But something went wrong and it was Jack who got infected first. It didn't show right away. It was slow. After weeks he became snappy, was annoyed at everyone's presence, and ate a lot. The family thought he was becoming a moody teenager. But then he started to bully poor Dazzle and became physically violent. They kept disciplining him. One day he was quiet and behaved, and went into his and Dazzle's room for the night. Dazzle was already asleep.

In the middle of the night, they heard Dazzle screaming and when they (Sun, Moon, Solar, Laia) checked, Dazzle's body was completely destroyed while Jack was chewing on her parts. Jack then tried to attack the adults, but Laia pinned him on the floor. He acted like a bloodthirsty animal. While Sun was having a panic attack over Dazzle's body, Laia helped Moon and Solar bring Jack to the lab to lock him up. And when they were sure he couldn't escape, Moon and Laia went back to Sun, while Solar was scanning Jack over for what the hell is wrong with him. He was crying but Evylin's ghost was still there comforting him.

For days they kept looking at what was going on with Jack, who got worse and worse. Solar and Moon were fighting a lot because Solar was always in a bad mood, they thought it was because of Jack. After some time, they found out it was a virus that spread through phone calls (yep I got that from the movie Cell) and they all were infected. And Solar is showing the first symptoms because he was the first one calling Jack after Jack got infected.

It went like this: Jack got an anonymous phone call (from the creator who got the wrong number), then called Solar, Solar called Moon, Moon called Monty, Monty called Lunar and Earth, Earth called Laia, and Laia called Sun. They all called a bunch of other people (humans, too), and they got infected as well. The ones who got infected first showed symptoms first.

They had to lock up Solar as he became more aggressive. Moon tried to leave the dimension to find a cure, but somehow, touching a portal made the virus burn in them (like the virus is inflammable to whatever energy the portal is made of), and Moon turned into ashes right in front of Sun. Then Solar and Jack escaped.

Laia and Sun were home alone with ghost Evylin and Lunar. They were hoping Monty who was still sane would find a cure. Sun once lost control and killed his cats. Laia and Sun were so distraught and giving up hope. Laia tried to lock herself in her room or leave because she was worried about hurting Sun. But Sun convinced her otherwise and they stayed together. One night Lunar left and never came back.

Monty provided the infos on how the virus spread to the government (by person, no phone calls). Every communication device that wasn't paper was forbidden and destroyed. But it was too late, so many were infected and went on a murderous rampage, they killed and ate whatever lives. (Well humans who haven't mutated yet couldn't eat robots)

Solar showed up at Monty and Earth's home and killed Monty who protected Earth. Earth ran away but later became insane too and went on a murderous rampage. What happened to Daisy? She ran away when Earth started to bully her in her early blackouts. No one saw her again.

The world was in chaos, with noninfected people trying to survive, and buildings destroyed.

Insane Sun and Laia had to leave their house because it was set on fire by other infected people and settle themselves in the pizzaplex. Ghost Evylin followed them, all this time she tried to get her old Sun and Laia back but nothing worked. Later left because Sun and Laia kept bullying and trying to attack her even though she was just a ghost and couldn't be touched. Sun and Laia noticed that they have the urge to kill everyone even friends and families, but never each other. They still cared and loved each other, so they stayed together.

The virus:

It's not like a zombie virus. People don't become undead. They are aware of what is going on but still are insane, and are controlled by murderous tendencies and cannibalism (like Bloodmoon but worse). They start to hate their friends and families and kill them. They not only kill non-infected but the infected too. They don't have the urge or care to spread the virus. They just want fun by killing and eating people. The longer they torture the victims the more satisfying the meal is (like Bloodmoon, they were always disappointed, if their victims died too fast) People in the first stage still can fight the urge to kill but are mean and snappy to people. Later they have blackouts and wake up with hurt people or dead bodies and then they can't fight it anymore and attack people willingly.

Over the years by consuming their victims, the virus makes the infected bodies mutate into more monstrous-looking beings. They bleed dark grey blood and their insides have bioorganic stuff in them. The first sign was Laia's hands becoming bigger and Sun grew a second set of teeth behind the plastic ones.

Sun had less control over himself about killing. With his consent Laia uses a chain to hold him back, so they can have more fun torturing their victims. The fully mutated Sun can control himself better, but they keep the chain because they like it. (it's not like that thing can still hold him back)

They are not invincible, humans can be killed like normal humans and animatronics can die like animatronics. But once they are fully mutated, it will be difficult to kill them because they become faster and stronger. (Laia was already strong, to begin with) Their abilities depend on their mutations, like long claws to climb walls, etc.

Edit:

The creator blew up not long after he sent the virus because an experiment went wrong.

He didn't mean to cause a breakout; the virus was meant for Moon only. But he dialed the wrong number, and Jack got the virus. And because Jack got a virus that wasn't meant for him, it changed inside him and became infectious. (I can't go into depth about how that works, I'm no scientist)

If the creator had dialed the right phone number and Moon had gotten the virus, there would have been no breakout, only a very murderous Moon, like he was supposed to be.

Alright, this is sad but it is a horror dimension with Sun and Laia after all. I don't know if I will do something big with it like another comic series (I have already too many to work on), but if you want to do fanart or fan-stories of it, go for it. Just let me know please, I like to see it!

[cobaltperun]

Eternal Flame (12) - Fight Inside

Jenna Ortega x Female Reader

Summary: For her it’s a passion, for you it’s an accident. And as she continues shining brighter and brighter with each role you are left mesmerized, drawn to her flame and cherishing every time she lets herself be vulnerable with you.

Spotify playlist

Masterlist / First Part / Previous part / Next Part

Word Count: 5.4k

-The war within me pulls me under and without you the fight inside is breaking me again-

Jenna paced all over the living room, feeling like she was on the verge of a panic attack and the worst thing about it was that she, to calm herself down, just kept reminding herself of your presence. She kept thinking back to that hotel room where you first calmed her down from a panic attack. She began hugging herself as she continued pacing, trying desperately to at least somewhat simulate the way you were holding her that night and all the nights after that one.

“Jenna, sit down,” her mom pleaded. Her entire family was sitting in the living room, her father was still distraught and had his face buried in his hands. He was shaken up, sure, but he wasn't the only one affected by all of this. Her siblings, Aliyah and Markus seemed torn by what happened and her mother was looking at her, worried and probably seeing the early signs of a panic attack, something she had to deal with often as a nurse.

Jenna turned to her father. “How could you hit her like that?” she demanded, for the first time in her life raising her voice at her father.

“Do not raise your voice at me, Jenna,” her father warned her sharply, his fists clenching as he did so, and she knew he barely restrained himself from hitting the table out of anger.

Yet Jenna didn’t give in. She wasn’t deterred by his warning. “No! Tell me what that was? This past week every time I tried to mention Y/N, whenever I tried to talk about what I found out the two of you,” she pointed at her parents. “Have been shutting me down, telling me that she's violent, that she'd hurt me, that she’s no good for me and what do you do when she shows up?” she stopped pacing and looked right at her father. “You point a gun at her, you threaten to kill her and then you punch her. Explain that to me,” she wasn't backing down, she felt like her whole world was breaking apart and she couldn't keep even half of it together, let alone all of it.

“She provoked me,” her dad argued, as if she didn't see everything from her room

“Dad, I saw everything from the window. I saw how quick you were to point the gun at her, so who are you lying to here?” she shouldn't have backed away when she was in front of you, no, even before that, she shouldn't have stayed in her room in the first place. She should have gone outside the moment she saw you stepping out of that car, she should have ran into your arms, she should have let you hold her because she wanted nothing more than to have you with her right now, holding her, calming her down, telling her everything would be fine.

While she needed to hear you out, to understand what the hell happened, she should have stuck by your side, she should have shown you she wasn't giving up on you. She thought she was confused, yet all of those thoughts that she had, all of that uncertainty and pain and doubt within her just vanished the moment she saw you. Jenna knew that you would never hurt her, you could never, ever hurt her.

She could no longer restrain her tears, and they just fell from her eyes, and she didn’t even try to stop them. “I hurt her so bad. Y/N was by my side when I needed her the most and I couldn't see past one wrong decision she made in her life,” she dug her hands into her hair, tempted to pull at her hair.

Her mom sighed. “Jenna please, you're being too dramatic. Yes, Edward took it too far when he hit her, but you can't tear our family apart over this,” her mom told her and she could hear her mom was frustrated with her behavior by now. “We've all been walking on eggshells around you since you came back from Denver, and we thought you would just get over it if we didn't let you talk about her. We just want what's the best for you, Jenna,” her mom took a deep breath, as if contemplating if she should continue, and Jenna did nothing to stop her, she just listened. “I'm praying every single night that you would just move on from her. You want to be with a woman? Fine, go right ahead, but not with her,” she was crying as well by now and Jenna just took a step back. “You are young, you are in love and you don't see how this is going to end.”

Jenna pointed outside. “Y/N is not the one who chose violence back there, it was-“

“Your father was provoked, Jenna!” her mother yelled at her, cutting her off.

“But isn't that the point? That anyone could be provoked? That being with someone who didn't go to underground fights won't automatically make me safe?” her father was a police officer, he was supposed to protect everyone, and yet even he went and hit someone who wasn't even a threat to him, just because that's someone said something that struck a nerve for him.

“A stranger telling me that I have no right to talk about keeping my own child safe just because I didn't stop you from being an actress is not the same thing as someone I love Jenna. I lashed out at a stranger that thought she had the right to lecture me about how to be a father!” her dad yelled, slamming his fist on the table.

“Can you please stop?” Markus asked, almost fearfully, and for the first time Jenna noticed just how much he and Aliyah were distraught by this, especially Aliyah, she even flinched when thier dad hit the table.

“Jenna, this is tearing our family apart. You need to forget about her,” her mom said through tears and Jenna just ran into her bedroom, sobbing and desperately trying to find some warmth.

She felt cold, her body shook slightly despite the blanket she wrapped around herself, and she felt like she couldn't breathe properly, like every breath she took was too shallow, like she didn't have enough oxygen. She felt dizzy, like she was about to throw up, she felt exactly the way she felt on that night she had a panic attack and you came into her room, stopping it. Only this time no one would come to help her through it, not her siblings, not her parents, not with all of this tension and frustration permeating the house following your arrival. She had nothing to keep the panic from consuming her, no one to hold her, she might as well be back in her place in LA all alone for all it mattered.

Sobs wrecked through her body and somehow, she stumbled to her closet opening it and digging through her stuff. She saw them the familiar dark green shirt and the black and red jacket. She tucked them away, fearing that maybe someone would throw them away if they found them and she just put the jacket around her back and clung to the shirt.

If she concentrated enough, she could almost smell your perfume still lingering on your clothes, and she was stuck between the relief even the hint of your presence brought her and the pain of knowing that she just gave up on that.

She could almost hear your voice telling her to just breathe, to stay calm, that you were right there with her. And that's exactly what you would be telling her if you were here with her now. Even after everything that happens today and ten days ago, and how she acted like what you did was the worst thing anyone could have ever done… Even after she refused to hear your part of the story, even if she judged you based not even on what Barbara told her, but based on her own conclusions based only on the fact that you went and fought in an underground fight club… Even after all that there was no doubt in her mind that if you were with her now you would be doing everything in your power stop her panic attack. You would have held her gently, looking at her with that look of pure adoration in your eyes that was there even when she saw you today. You still wore her ring around your neck. She didn't see it, but she noticed the necklace it should be hanging from, so she knew it was safe to assume that you did still carry her mark on your body.

And she threw all of that away.

And she sobbed, crying her heart out for the first time in ten days, completely letting it all out, all alone in her and Aliyah’s shared room, with nothing but your shirt in her hands and jacket around her back keeping her together.

And when the tears all dried up and Jenna felt like she could finally breathe once again only one thought remained. She had to go and see you, the consequences be damned. She had to catch up with you before you could get on the plane and go back to Denver. And if you somehow missed one another on the airport, which she doubted would happen because the plane for Denver wouldn't take off for another four hours, then she would just take the plane and meet you there. She needed to see you. She just desperately needed to see you.

~X~

You managed to hide the bust lip with a scarf you bought after returning the car, and now you were at the airport facing a decision you frankly didn't think you would have to make today. On one hand you could go home and have to explain the bruise slowly forming on your face to Hugh and Barbara, creating even more problems and probably only making reconciliation with Jenna in the future even more impossible. If there was ever even a chance of speaking to her again. You couldn’t let Hugh and Barbara know Edward hit you, because even if you could get over being hit, you doubted Hugh would ever let it go. And while Barbara might be a bit more forgiving and wouldn't blame it on Jenna, there would still be some tension in the future, so you really couldn't go home. Which, now that you thought about it more clearly, meant you didn’t even have a decision to make, it was made for you the moment you took that punch to the face.

“Hi, can I get a ticket for Italy, please?” you asked the person working at the airport. You would have to go to Italy in a couple of days anyway, so you might as well take some time to do some sightseeing. Maybe visit the Colosseum, as cliche as it was, or maybe go to Florence or Venice. You could definitely spare a day or two for that, and it wasn't like you were going to be in Italy for long. The contract you signed said you would be filming for a week, that all of your scenes would be done as quickly as possible to lower the costs of hiring you, since you were from the US. And frankly you were fine with it, especially now.

When you signed the contract you figured, what the hell, it was work. You would get paid, get a new experience in a new country, but now after all the things that happened, you had to accept that your mental health really wasn't at the level necessary to push yourself through several weeks of filming.

You still wondered what you would do once that week was over. Would you go back home? Would you stay in Italy for some time? There really was no telling at this point.

“Yes, of course. You're in luck we have a few seats available on the flight taking off in an hour,” that was just perfect. “Do you have any luggage?”

“None,” you basically had just your handbag, you didn't even bring your apartment keys seeing as you left them with Barbera, since she stayed at your place when you left to go to Coachella. You would need to do some light shopping when you arrive at Italy, but that wouldn’t be much of an issue.

~X~

Jenna felt panic clutching at her heart as she looked at the crowd getting on the plane for Denver. She was still out of breath as she ran through the airport, desperately hoping to catch a glimpse of you before you could leave.

“Jenna, I don’t think she’s here,” Aliyah called out behind her, barely keeping up. She went with Jenna because she just couldn’t let Jenna get in the car on her own, fearing that maybe in her state of panic and distraught her older sister would end up getting into an accident. Aliyah hoped that with her in the car, Jenna would drive more carefully instead of speeding from Coachella all the way to the airport you should be at.

“She has to be,” she would notice you in a crowd of thousands of people if she had to, but you just weren't here. She knew the airport was big, but a tiny voice in her head told her she didn’t somehow miss you; you really weren't here. There was no other way to explain it. You were nowhere to be seen, and she was here before anyone even started getting on the plane, so there was no way she missed you.

“Why don't you just call her best friend? Maybe she is at a hotel or something, maybe she didn't want to drive far, or maybe there is some other logical explanation for why she's not here?” Aliyah tried to talk some sense into her, but all Jenna could feel once again was pure panic.

“Yeah that's, that's what I'll do!” she had to focus. Aliyah was right, if anyone would know where you were, it would be Barbara. “Keep an eye out for her, OK?” she felt like she shouldn't even take her attention off the crowd and look at her phone, fearing that maybe that single instant it would take her to call Barbara would be the instant she misses you.

“I've got it, just call that girl,” Aliyah didn't suggest that Jenna should call you, and it didn't even cross her mind to do it, not after everything that happened. No, the first time she would speak to you again it would have to be face to face, there was no other way a text message, a call or even facetime would do. It would have to be the two of you, somewhere, anywhere as long as you were at the same place, somewhere she could reach out and touch you and just hope that you would let her hug you. And then this horrible feeling in her chest that felt like her heart was being torn into pieces from the inside and left to somehow keep beating would pass, as long as you let her hug you. As long as she could again feel your strong arms around her everything would be fine.

She called Barbara, her eyes once again scanning over the crowd, hoping to see you. Yet you weren’t there. Finally, after what felt like eternity, Barbara picked up.

“Jenna? What's this is all about?” she sounded confused, and she probably knew exactly what happened when you tried to come and talk to her, so Jenna really couldn’t blame her for being taken aback.

She had to be honest, to tell your best friend what she really felt. “I made a mistake! I regret everything, I'm at the airport and I can't find her. I need to apologize to Y/N, I need to,” he pushed back her tears. “I need to do anything, please just tell me she's at a hotel or something, that she's still in Coachella and I can still fix this,” because where else could you be? Where else could you possibly be when the flight to Denver was yet to take off, and you couldn't have made it for the previous one. It took two hours to get from her house to the airport, so you couldn't have gotten on the flight before this one.

Barbara sighed on the other side of the line. “Y/N did tell me you wouldn't hear her out,” Barbara's words, laced with a hint of anger, struck her harder than any punch could. It was just another reminder of how much she regretted not doing things differently merely hours ago. “I'll tell you where she is so you don't worry, but you can't go after her, Jenna. Let her finish this movie and if she wants to talk to you after that, then talk to her. Y/N took the first flight to Italy.”

Jenna had no idea how she stayed on her feet. It felt like the entire airport was spinning around her and the weight of everything just came crashing down on her. “I want to see her,” she whispered, trying to keep her emotions hidden, to stay in control and not break right here in the public.

“You saw her, you just let her go,” Barbara had no mercy, and Jenna truly believed she didn’t deserve any mercy anyway. “I don't know what happened there, I don't know why you changed your mind now all of a sudden, but you didn't have to pick up the pieces after you left. So, please let her recover before you hurt her again,” Barbara hung up and it didn't even cross Jenna’s mind to go to Italy after you.

~X~

Considering the way you approached this job you had no doubt in your mind that if anyone ever asked your co-stars from Italy how was it to work with you on the set that they would say you were professionally pleasant. Treating people with something close to kindness but not putting any effort into creating bonds with them. Instead, you just stayed silent, alone in the corner occasionally grasping something underneath your shirt that you wouldn't ever reveal to them. You just did your job, and you were a great partner, easily building chemistry with the actors and actresses you interacted with on the screen.

None of your co-stars could say a single bad word about the way you approached your job. You didn't get irritated over multiple takes, you didn't mind last minute changes to the script, even if the movie would basically be almost nothing like the book it was based on. You had a character to play and that's all that really mattered to you on this particular project.

How did you know that? You sort of overheard them speaking in Italian right next to you sometimes. And your parents didn’t insist on you learning just Spanish, they had you learning Italian and French as well. Meaning that while you were rusty you could still understand what your Italian co-stars were talking about you while they thought you didn't understand a single word coming out of their mouths. And you were perfectly fine with that, for all you cared they would never know that you understood them.

There was a bit of a curse in knowing Italian though, at least for you and at least in this particular situation. It made it even easier to find this place once the filming of your part was over. Your contract was done, you could go back home whenever you wanted to, yet here you were, late at night, in the dark alleys of Rome. You were watching as the crowd slowly trickled into a barely lit building an underground fight would be held in.

Davis once told you that you've gotten so used to this world that finding the fight clubs anywhere in the world would be easy for you. You laughed it off back then, but from the looks of it he was right. You easily found this place. Here you were, looking at the building where fights would be held tonight from across the street, your hands in your pockets and the hood of your jacket covering most of your face.

As you watched the building you thought back to the time after your parents died. There really wasn't anything specific to think about, you just remembered the emptiness, the guilt, the desire to feel anything, and to release the awful emotions pent-up within you. And somehow the only way you could do it was through fights.

You tried for months after their deaths to find another way, you drove a car, you went on walks, you did workouts that involved martial arts and the ones that didn't involve martial arts. You tried different extreme sports, you tried climbing, you tried anything you could think of and none of it worked, so you ended up just going back to the fights because they just worked. You pulled out your phone and called Hugh and he picked up rather quickly, it didn't even get to ring the second time.

“What the hell? I was just about to call you!” he said when he picked up and you managed to laugh a bit, genuinely happy to hear his voice.

“Eh, great minds think alike, you know,” the smile on your face fell for a moment. “I'm in front of a fight club,” you just told him and you could hear him getting up, you could imagine the look on his face. The helplessness at knowing that there was absolutely nothing he could do to stop you if you decided to go inside.

“Y/N,” he spoke your name, about to ask you not to go inside, yet you interrupted him.

“I'm not going in. I quit fighting, and I'm sticking to that,” you assured him him and you weren't lying, you came here, but you had no intention of going in.

Hugh let out a sigh of relief. “Why did you go there then?” he sounded genuinely baffled by your decision to come here, and you couldn’t blame him.

“I wanted the proof. I wanted to come here, to be one step away from going back to the fights and to still be able to walk away,” you said as you turned away from the building and just began the walk back to your hotel.

“You don't feel like you can say you properly quit unless you have it within arm’s reach, do you?” he figured it out and you nodded out of a habit, only to remember he couldn’t see you.

“Pretty much. I can feel this broken and have the chance to fight right in front of me without wanting to go in. I'm done, I’ll never go to underground fights again, no matter what happens in my life,” you knew it was a bold statement, especially considering you were in this for four years, but you said it with definitive certainty.

Hugh remained silent for some time, probably feeling relief over what you just told him. And then came the question that's been probably on his mind for years. “Why did you even go back to fighting?”

There was no simple answer. You felt so many things, yet you felt nothing at the same time. You felt like you failed. “I-“ you began finally saying the words that just might be enough to explain that decision. “Wanted to be judged and punished for failing to save them. No one else would do it, so I did it myself, I was my own judge, jury and executioner,” that was probably the closest you could get to explaining what drove you to those fights again and again.

It just became a vicious cycle. The guilt and memories overwhelming you and reminding you of your failures, and the nightmares and that lonely apartment in Denver also played a part. Every single second you spent living alone was a constant reminder that your entire family was taken from you in an instant, and each time you were reminded of that, your resistance to fighting became weaker. And then you would just give in and go back to the fights, only to then feel guilty for causing pain to those that you still had in your life. Then that guilt would feed the guilt of failure and so the cycle would continue again and again until Jenna broke it.

She said she wanted all of you, you now guessed that was a lie.

But those words were still enough to give you that one push you needed. Just for a moment you lied to yourself and thought giving the fights up would be enough. It wasn’t enough, and you didn't blame Jenna for it, not even one bit. Hell, you didn't even blame her family, to be perfectly honest you would be cautious in their place as well.

The time you spent with Jenna, the love you felt, made you believe tomorrow could be better, and the ring around your neck kept reminding you of that.

Hugh didn't reply yet. At the end of the day there really wasn't anything he could say. Your logic was terribly flawed, driven by irrational feelings, and there was no way to rationalize it, or to argue against it with logic. And there wasn't a single feeling Hugh could draw upon to counter it. “What's your plan now that you finished filming in Italy?” he asked, and you really didn't know what to tell him, you didn't feel like going back to the States, but then again you also didn't feel like staying in Italy.

“I don't know. I'm not ready to go back to Denver,” as much time as Barbara would spend with you, you would still be on your own for the most part, and you just didn't want to be all alone.

“We have a month before we start filming The Daughter, how about we go do a little soul searching? You, me and my family, just go to some places, maybe do some good along the way,” Hugh suggested and honestly you didn't think that was a bad idea.

“Sure. Where would we go first?” you didn't even think much about it, at this point all he had to say was that you wouldn't be alone, and you would accept it.

“It's about time I show you where The Laughing Man coffee began. We're going to Ethiopia, your jaw dropped. This was not what you thought he had in mind but sure, you might as well do it.

“Let's go then,” you agreed immediately. “Do you want to meet up somewhere? What's the plan here?” you asked as you stepped out of the dark alleyways and onto the main streets of Rome.

“We’ll come to Italy. Deb wanted to go and see Dante's House Museum in Florence,” you could swear you could hear the smile on his face.

“Admit it, this is just an excuse to take a long vacation, isn't it?” you laughed, just appreciating that you would be included in it.

“I have no idea what you're talking about,” but he was laughing as well and you reached up, wrapping your hand around the ring through your shirt. You would get better, you would heal, because if you didn't you felt like you had no right to wear this ring, let alone think of Jenna.

~X~

Barbara met up with Hugh the day before he and his family would leave to meet you in Italy. They were in your apartment, packing some of your things for the month long vacation.

“How does she sound?” Barbara asked him. Sure, the two of you talked a lot, but you've always been more honest with Hugh, always wanting to protect Barbara from how you felt deep down, so if anyone could tell if you were really fine it would be Hugh.

Hugh sighed while packing some of your sweaters. “Somber. There's this distance in her voice, something I can't explain. She’s missing Jenna, maybe even clinging to some hope they can fix things. I have no doubt in my mind that she stopped fighting for good, but I'm afraid that this despair won't end,” he said swallowing the lump in his throat and Barbara could tell he was fighting back his emotions, trying his hardest to be strong in this moment, to not show his own weakness, not even to her, let alone to you.

“So, what are you going to do?” she so desperately wanted to go with them and to see you, and to be with you through all of this. She couldn’t though. She wouldn't be able to keep that from her family. As far as her family knew she cut down on her contact with you two years ago. That was when they found out you continued fighting and they had the same reaction Jenna's family had. They feared that you would become violent toward her at some point, so in her family's eyes Barbara listened to them and for the most part cut you out of her life. She couldn't leave for a month, there would be no excuse for it.

Her family actually bought the story that every time she would go to your apartment, or sleep over at your place, that she was actually seeing a boyfriend. That was her go to excuse. They knew she still had some contact with you, but they had no idea that you were still very much her best friend.

And then Hugh said something she didn't expect. “I have no idea what to do. I was just hoping that surrounding her with people would show her the future can be better, that she can find something more to life other than a job, or a relationship, or this grief that she keeps carrying around. I don't know yet how to help her, and I know she's not my child on paper, but,” he stopped, overcome with emotions.

“I know,” Barbara tried to stop him, unsure how to act, because he was close to falling apart and crying and she wasn't sure how to process all of that.

“I have to say it at least to someone. I can't say it to Y/N, I can't assume she feels the same way. Even if I never adopted her, or said it to her, she really is- when I look at her and my own kids I see no difference. And I just know I need to help her somehow. It finally feels like this time she will let me help her get through this,” he took a deep, shuddering breath trying to stay in control of his emotions, but a single tear still fell down from his face to your sweater.

There was a part of Barbara that thought she should tell him you felt the same way, that you saw him as a father, but she understood you had a complicated relationship with that particular parent-child bond. It was probably difficult for you to acknowledge those feelings without also feeling like you were replacing your own parents in a way. So, she chose not to comment on that and instead hoped to take Hugh’s mind off all of those emotions by focusing on something more urgent and in need of solution. “What should I tell Jenna?” she asked.

Over the past ten days her and Jenna have been in touch, exchanging messages every now and then. It was mostly Jenna checking up to ask how you were doing and Barbara appreciated that, but it also opened up the question of what to do.

“Keep doing what you're already doing, I guess,” Hugh figured. “If she's genuinely concerned about Y/N, then I guess no harm can come from that. What happens after we all come back and maybe even after we finish filming The Daughter is not up to us. That's not our decision, but if her family and Jenna herself think that Y/N could ever physically hurt her, they are going to have  a problem with me,” Hugh said, and Barbara honestly couldn't agree more.

Taglist: @lilbitdepressed27 @freakshow2501 @osnapitzmel1 @belatrixdragon @ijustlovemaths

@niqmandu @justspance @mirage018 @godamnityess

Masterlist / First Part / Previous part / Next Part

[writerslittlelibrary]

So, I'm not a prisoner?

masterlist part 1 part 2 part 3 extra

summary: you did not expect that your mission to take down the traitor, could end in such a difficult situation for you…

pairing: Natasha x Red Room teen reader

warnings: fighting, weapons, stabbing, blood, implied sexual abuse

genre: fluff, angst

words: 3073

a/n: I wanted to do a fic like this for so long!!!! anyway, I just kept scouting tumblr trying to find fics like this, so I figured I’d finally write one myself :)

You do not have my permission to repost, copy or translate my work

 |——————————— ⴵ ———————————|

A quick in and out. That was your mission. How on earth did you manage to screw it up so bad. In and out. Assassinate the traitor and come right back. 

Dreykov would’ve been so proud. 

But that didn’t happen. No. Every single aspect about that night failed to go according to plan. You snuck into the event Stark had hosted, was able to blend in with the other party goers, and you were able to hide when most of the people started to leave. 

Once it was just the Avengers left, you stayed in your hiding spot, observing them. You were here to kill Natasha Romanoff, and Natasha Romanoff only. 

You could not afford any casualties, so you had it all planned out. 

You’d wait until the Avengers would leave, and you’d take Natasha out before she could make it to her living quarters. You knew that once she made it to the living space of the Avengers tower, getting to her would be a lot harder. 

However, against all odds, Natasha excused herself from the group quite early, saying she wanted to get a good nights sleep. 

You internally cursed yourself, hating that this wasn’t something that you had planned for. 

Around the couches were still some Avengers sat. You recognised all of them. Clint Barton shouldn’t be too much trouble. He was only a guy who’s good with a bow. For Maria Hill could be said the same thing, except she’s very skilled with a gun.

No, you were worried about the other Avengers still seated. Tony Stark could call upon his armour in mere seconds. Thor had the power of thunder for god’s sake. Wanda Maximoff has exceptional powers, and therefor, if you were to attack with her still in the room, you’d be immobilised in an instant. 

You were fairly certain you didn’t need to worry much about Bruce Banner. Sure, he could turn into the Hulk, but he didn’t turn often, and lately, the Hulk hasn’t been spotted in the battlefield, meaning he probably had many trouble turning into him. 

Pietro Maximoff shouldn’t bring you a lot of trouble either. 

Your main concern were Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers. One Super Soldier you could handle, but two? While fighting the rest of the Avengers? That wasn’t going to work. 

Lucky for you, Wanda Maximoff had excused herself from the gathering a while ago. If you didn’t make to much noise, she wouldn’t be much of a problem. You could be outside before she’d even make it to the party deck. 

Your original plan was to just wait. Natasha Romanoff would have usually sat through a party until far into the evening. You’d know, you’ve been watching her for weeks. 

However, now that Romanoff has announced she was returning to her bedroom, a slight panic ran through your body. 

Dreykov gave your 5 weeks to finish this assignment. That’s longer than any assignment you’d ever been on. You could not disappoint him with this. You had to kill the traitor. 

You figured now was your only chance, and so, as Natasha Romanoff made her way towards the elevator, you followed her. 

However, not even to your surprise, she stopped in the middle of the hallway. 

“You know I’m an assassin, too? You’re good, but you’re not un noticeable,” she states, calmly turning around, being met with a gun to your face. The moment she stopped, you were wise enough to draw your gun, holding her at gunpoint for any sudden movements. 

You could see a slight surprise appear on her face, before her face returned to her poker face once again. 

“You’re just a child…” Natasha spoke slowly, seeming almost disappointed. 

“You’re a traitor,” you spoke, loading the gun, taking a step closer. Natasha simply shook her head. “I’m sorry,” she spoke, before leaping towards you. You shot your gun, but Natasha was too fast, avoiding your gunfire as she ran past you, back to the other Avengers. 

How on earth could you have missed that shot? She was right there.

Pathetic. 

You don’t hesitate to run after her, determined to finish this tonight. 

Very much not to your surprise, the moment you run back into the party hall, the Avengers are already standing up and ready. Ready to fight you.

You don’t hesitate to move forwards, and after fighting Clint Barton for mere seconds, you quickly realise they have no intention of hurting you. You could use that to your advantage, and you do.

You kick Barton hard, leaving him on the floor, heaving for air as you move forward, taking on Maria. 

However, the moment you get close to Maria, two strong arms wrap around your body, pulling you back. They’re holding you tightly, and it doesn’t feel like they’re planning to let go. 

You struggle in the hold, fighting against who ever is holding you as you try to break free. A small panic runs through your body. The fear of being captured by the Avengers taking place in your mind. You do not fear the Avengers, but the thought of being seen as a traitor by Dreykov hurts your heart more than words could describe. 

“Stop struggling. We can help you,” you hear a voice behind you speak, and you soon come to realise the person you’re fighting is Captain America himself. 

No wonder you couldn’t get loose. 

Knowing it’s a Super Soldier, you’re quick to outsmart him, making him think you’re getting tired, relaxing your body is his hold. Because of this, the Captain lightens his grip a bit, giving you enough room to wiggle your arm free, moving it backwards to hit him in the face with your elbow. 

Because of the surprise, he lets you go, allowing you to stand again. 

The moment your feet hit the ground, you dash forward, holding up your knife as you use everyone’s shock to your advantage. 

Everyone is surprised by your capability of escaping Steve’s grasp, not realising your already moving towards Natasha again. You reach her quickly, stabbing your knife into her stomach as far as it can go. 

Natasha gasps, and you pull the knife out, watching as all the blood starts to seep from her stomach. 

Slowly, Natasha sinks to the ground, Maria catching her, helping her down. 

You move towards Natasha again, determined to get the job finished, but are quickly stopped by another pair of arms wrapping around your waist. You immediately recognise the metal arm, knowing that the Winter Soldier holds you in his grasp. You can’t escape him. You never have. 

He pulls you backwards, pushing you to the ground as he tries to punch you. However, you regain yourself quickly, rolling away from under him and kicking him in the face. 

Suddenly, you’re moved across the room. You forgot the damn speedster…

You raise your knife quickly, stabbing him before he has a chance to make another move. 

“PIETRO!” you hear a voice yell, and you turn your head to the right. Shit. Wanda Maximoff must have heard the commotion and went down to take a look. You have to get out of there. You will never win a fight with her.

You move quickly, running towards the stairs. However, before you could reach them, you felt a stabbing pain in your left shoulder, the sound of a gun shot following soon after. You had been shot. Bucky Barnes had shot you in an attempt to slow you down. 

But you didn’t let it. 

Instead, you went towards the stairs a little quicker, dashing down the hundreds of flights of stairs to get to the main floor. 

Of course, all SHIELD agents on the main floor were already expecting you, and you were followed by Steve Rogers, but you were quicker than him. You knew that. 

You dashed past all the SHIELD agents, avoiding their gun fire as you made it towards an emergency exit. 

The moment you stepped outside, you started your escape route. You already planned it, knowing exactly which way to go, no matter which way you would exit. 

Steve followed you outside, but the moment he set foot outside the door, you were gone. You had disappeared into the night, leaving no trace. 

------------------------------------------------------------- 

Back in the Avengers tower, the team was recovering from your attack. Natasha was in bad shape. Your strike had been an attempt to murder her, and you didn’t miss any organs as you pierced your blade through her abdomen. 

Pietro was much better. He was back on his feet quickly, seeing as though you stabbing him hadn’t been a murder attempt. You merely wanted to distract him. 

It didn’t take long for Natasha to get back on her feet either, even though she was advised to stay on bed rest after the surgery. 

Natasha was determined to find you, and she quickly got to work. 

Even though you had made it out of the Avengers tower quickly, you were still hurt, and some of you blood had fallen on the floor as you made your escape towards the stairs. Clint and Maria had collected that blood, running multiple tests, only to find out you were not registered anywhere. 

There was no record of your existence. Were you just another ghost story?

What they did find were traces of the Super Soldier serum. However, they were modified, almost as if they were genetically a part of your system. 

Did that mean you were just another Hydra experiment? Natasha did hear you calling her a traitor. That had to mean you knew Dreykov, right? Who else viewed her as a traitor. I would make sense. Sending a modified teenage assassin after her, knowing Natasha was above killing children. 

Even in the Red Room, she always hesitated when sparring against the younger students. 

Dreykov must have had a lot of faith in you to send you after her. Natasha can only hope you’re not a graduate yet…

-------------------------------------------------------------

After the incident in the Avengers tower, you had fled to Germany. You figured it was best to leave the United States completely. And why would they ever search for you in Germany? 

You had rented an apartment, loving the small town you had chosen. Dreykov had given you 5 weeks to finish the assignment, and now, you had only 1 week left. There is now way that you’re going to succeed in killing Natasha within the week. 

They know you are after her now, and they will be prepared for you to make a return. You screwed it up.

Sloppy. 

Right now, you were just heading back to your apartment. You had taken a walk, deciding to make the most out of the freedom you had in the moment. The week would be over soon, and the moment Dreykov would send for your return you are certain you will not be seeing daylight any time soon. 

After you arrived in the apartment building, you instantly felt watched. 

Had the Avengers found you?

You made your way up to your apartment, pushing the key into the lock and walking through the small hallway. Someone was in here, you could feel it. 

You walked into the kitchen, grabbing a glass and filling it with water, keeping your back towards the living room. 

“There are not a lot of places to hide in this apartment,” you spoke aloud into the emptiness of the apartment. Soon you heard a set of footsteps, and you felt another presence enter the room. 

“You’re very skilled for your age,” you heard a voice behind you say, and you immediately recognised it as Natasha’s. 

“And you are stronger than you look. I mean, even for you, I didn’t expect you to be on your feet so quickly,” you stated, turning around slowly. Natasha wasn’t holding a weapon in your face, something you were definitely expecting. 

You scanned her quickly, seeing the weapons she held on her belt. 

She didn’t come unarmed. Good. She’d be stupid to. 

“I don’t mean you any harm,” Natasha said, taking a small step forward as she held her hands in the air, showing you her every movement. 

You didn’t look impressed, instead just staring at her as she moved. 

“Then you are a fool,” you told her, and you spotted a small smirk flashing over Natasha’s face. “And you are very full of yourself,” she said, moving towards the kitchen island, leaning on it. 

“I can’t say I blame you. You took on a lot of the Avengers on your own. Even two Super Soldiers. That’s impressive,” she stated, giving you a small smile. You didn’t return it. 

“What? Jealous someone better took your place when you betrayed us,” you asked Natasha, determined to get on her nerves.

Natasha’s smile dropped quickly. 

“Quite the opposite, actually. I hoped no one would ever have to go through it again,” she told you, a hint of regret almost identifiable in her expression. Now it was your time to give her a small smile. 

“You think you’re so important that everything should’ve ended with you?” you asked her, moving towards the kitchen island as well, setting your glass down, still holding onto it. 

Natasha shook her head.

“What I am curious about, however, is the genetic Super Soldier serum that runs through your DNA,” Natasha paused, adjusting her stance before speaking again. “Tell me, was your dad a Super Soldier?” 

You let out a huff of amusement, surprising Natasha. 

“You think I believe you’re just here for a conversation? There are SHIELD agents placed on every corner of every street. Don’t think I didn’t notice it. The lovely young couple, drinking coffee at the restaurant downstairs? Amazing disguise, if you were trying to trick nine year olds,” you stated, finishing your glass of water. 

Natasha smiles, clearly impressed with your observations. 

“You’re right. I’m not here for just a conversation, although I do hope we can prevent violence,” Natasha started, but before she could continue you interrupted her. 

“You’re here to bring me in.” 

Natasha nodded, and the look on her face was almost apologetic. 

“No one needs to get hurt. If you just come with me, there’s a big chance you could avoid confinement,” Natasha explained, yet you just scoffed and shook your head. 

“Avoid confinement? Yeah right. There is no way, that after what I have done, your people won’t lock me away.” 

“I can be very persuasive,” Natasha simply replied. 

There was a small silence. Natasha knew you were debating your options. You didn’t seem like a brainwashed sheep. She knew that you knew better than trusting Dreykov’s lies. Sure, you still believed she was a traitor, but there is no way that you didn’t see that what Dreykov is doing is wrong. 

“You know going back after a failed mission will result in punishment,” Natasha started, trying to get through to you. Trying to give you that little push you needed to go with her. “If you go with me, you’ll never be punished like that ever again,” she finished. 

You looked up, deep in thought.

“How could you be so sure?” you asked her, and Natasha didn’t hesitate to respond. 

“We can keep you safe-”

“I found you. I nearly killed you. Who’s to say some other Widow won’t come after me as well?” you replied, and Natasha gave you another small smile. 

“I escaped the Red Room when I was 20,” Natasha started. “It took him 12 years to send someone after me. We will make sure we’ll take him down before he even has the chance to come after you.” 

“How many times, did you try to kill him, exactly? Because I believe you attempted his murder twice already, both of which you failed. You blew him up in Budapest, and then another time when you took the air facility down. Do you honestly think you’ll succeed now?”

Natasha shook her head, seemingly recollecting her thoughts. 

“I failed twice, and that was sloppy, but both times I didn’t have the Avengers on my side. You ran the moment you saw Wanda. You know what she is capable of. Taking down the Red Room for good shouldn’t be too difficult with the Avengers on our side,” Natasha explained, yet you just shook your head. 

“I’m not like you,” you told her, yet Natasha just looked at you in confusion. 

“I’m not some disposable widow like you were. I’m more important,” you explained, and Natasha gave you a sad smile.

“Everyone is just a disposable widow to him,” she started, but you interrupted her. 

“I’m not. You tested my blood. You know I carry the Super Soldier serum. I’m not just some girl he picked up from the streets,” you explained, and Natasha gave you a small nod, encouraging to keep going. 

“I can’t explain it, but he won’t just let me walk. He put too much time in my creation. He would never just let it go to waste,” you finished, looking down, avoiding Natasha’s gaze as you turned around, putting your glass by the sink. 

“We’ll help you. I know that we can,” Natasha tried. 

“Is it worth the risk? My life is not great, but it’s not terrible either. Dreykov values me, and I am not treated like a piece of meat, unlike you might suspect.” 

“So the punishment is worth it, then? Knowing that in three days time, Dreykov will have you be recollected, and once you return to the Red Room, you’ll be punished severely for a failed mission,” Natasha paused, allowing you to let her words sink in. 

“Or, in three days time, you could know you can go to bed without worrying about someone joining. You could know you can be safe, and sleep through the night without anyone disrupting you. Knowing that, is the choice really that hard?” Natasha finished, and you were almost at your breaking point. 

Was it worth it? Was going back the best decision? Dreykov would hurt you, you knew that, but you deserved it. Didn’t you? 

“Please, just come with me. We can help,” Natasha spoke, nearly begged. 

You sighed deeply. 

“Fine, but if you put me in a cell, I will go on a murder streak,” you told her, and Natasha let out a chuckle, before seeing your facial expression, and realising you were dead serious. 

“Duly noted,” Natasha said, before motioning you towards the door. 

What had you done…

Permanent tags: @marvelnatasha12346 @lesbionion @nova-kyle @darkstar225 @saraaahsstuff @marvelwomenarehot0 @screechcat @iheartjohansson @simp-erformarvelwomen @swaqcenix @karmasgxrl @marvel-lous3000 @mxximoffswifey

[dilemmaontwolegs]

Irresistible {5} || CL16

Pairing: Charles Leclerc x fem!reader Summary: You’re finally accustomed to life in the paddock but still have no interest in the sport. Warnings: 18+ only, nsfw, angst, panic attack, cheating, kind of taboo (future stepbrother) WC: 3.3k F1 Masterlist || One || Two || Three || Four || Five || Six

Charles liked to watch you sleep. He could happily spend all his time memorising the way your eyelashes fanned out, fluttering now and again with whatever dreams you faced. He found peace with your relaxed state, your head on his chest, your legs tangled with his.

That peace was broken with your phone's vibrating alert.

Charles should have ignored it, let the call go to voicemail but he was angry that his time with you was disturbed. Easing you on to your own pillow, he spared a glance to check you were still asleep before swiping your phone up.

“Hello Max,” he answered as he closed the bedroom door. “How can I help you?”

Max ground his teeth at the idea of asking anything from Charles, but he took a calming breath first. “Can you pass the phone Y/N?”

“No,” Charles replied after a long pause meant to torture the Dutch driver.

“Why not?”

“Because she is asleep.” Charles pulled the phone away to hang up but Max’s voice sounded in the quiet room.

“It’s never going to work out,” he stated bluntly. “If it’s not your career, it’ll be your family, but one will be ruined.”

Charles' hand tightened around the phone and it was a miracle the screen didn’t crack from the force of it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Then you are as stupid as you act.”

The call ended and Charles liked to think he hit the red button first before he tossed the phone onto the couch and collapsed down beside it. His peace was well and truly gone as Max’s words repeated in his head, but it wasn’t anything he hadn’t already told himself. He had tried to listen to reason and failed miserably. He had to have you, and it was more than just infatuation. He wasn’t just tempted by you, he was consumed by you.

He could never let you go.

“Who were you talking to?” you murmured as Charles climbed back into bed. Sensing the cold space beside you, you had woken to hear Charles on the other side of the door.

“No one, ma biche,” he soothed as he pulled you back where you belonged. You cozied your head on his chest and listened to his rapid heartbeat begin to slow. “Sleep now, we have an early flight.”

—

The room spun at a dizzying speed and you closed your eyes as you held on tighter.

“You’re going to make yourself sick,” Charles chuckled, catching the office chair and jolting you to a stop.

“I’m so bored,” you complained as the room still continued to sway. “Do you ever get to finish early and, I don’t know…do something fun?”

Charles massaged your shoulders, the most he could get away with as a friendly touch. “It’s busier this weekend,” he apologised. “It’s the 70th anniversary of F1.”

You might not know much about the sport but you knew that. There were signs everywhere to remind you.

“We’ll do something fun after the race,” he promised before his and was called.

Something had been happening with the car, so the readings or data said, and it took all of Charles' attention between practices. More than usual. You were left to try to form your own entertainment but it was a losing battle.

It appeared the party was moving from the garage to the hospitality building so you followed, clutching Charles shoulder with instant regret for spinning in the chair.

“A little dizzy?” he teased quietly in your ear. “Or are your legs still weak from this morning?”

You lightly slapped his chest and as the motion of the earth moving under your feet subsided you put a respectable distance between you both. Charles just couldn’t help himself when sat beside you as the meeting continued over plates of food, his hand finding your thigh after ‘dropping’ his napkin.

“Why don’t you go for a drive and I’ll meet up with you for dinner?” he offered, seeing your eyes glaze over when his engineer started talking statistics. He slipped his keys into your hand and kissed the air beside your cheeks. You would have preferred a French kiss but the friendly one would have to do.

You were grateful for the escape he offered and clutched the keys as you stood up, excusing yourself from the table. “What’s the speed limit around here?” you teased as you backed away.

Charles' eyes narrowed in warning but it only made you smirk as he growled, “Bambi…”

Xavi cocked an eyebrow at the nickname, his eyes looking between the two of you like he was trying to connect the dots. “Why do you call her Bambi?”

“Because my mother is dead,” you answered, knowing how quickly questions were dropped when death was mentioned. Charles choked on the drink he was sipping but you were already out of the door before he could say anything.

You could taste the freedom on your tongue as you rushed through the paddock but it came to a halt when Max stepped out of the Red Bull garage. Decked out in his navy shirt and matching trousers, you couldn’t actually recall seeing him in anything except the merch.

“Should I tell security that the woman who looks remarkably like you went that way?” he asked, pointing in the opposite direction. “You are running from them, aren’t you, schat?”

You laughed at the idea and leaned closer. “Someone may or may not have let the air out of Lewis’ tires...”

Max’s eyes sparkled with mischief and he grabbed your hand, tugging you back into his hospitality unit.

“What are you doing?” you asked between giggles.

“Can’t have this someone getting arrested, not on my watch,” he promised as he led the way through the building to a private room similar to Charles’. “We can hide in here.”

“Let me guess, the name on the door will protect me?” you joked as you took a seat on the couch and picked up the PlayStation controller. “What are you playing?”

He turned the tv on as he sat beside you. “FIFA, but there’s other games over there.”

You reached for the stack of plastic cases and rolled your eyes at the F1 game as you shuffled through the titles. You hadn’t heard of half of them, but the ones you knew of were what Charles played at home.

“Don’t you have a debrief or whatever?” you asked curiously. He seemed like he had been relaxing in the room for some time given the half full bottle of water and protein snack wrappers on the coffee table.

“Not for me, my car is running good. Is that what Charles is busy doing?”

You sent him a peeved look at the mocking tone and he sent an innocent smile back. “If you don’t have a meeting, does that mean you can leave?”

“I probably shouldn’t stray too far, but I don’t have to stay here. Where were you thinking of going?” he asked as he saw you toying with the key to a Ferrari.

“I don't know,” you admitted, “anywhere that is a change of scenery.”

Max sat up and swiped the keys. “I know somewhere. It’s not much of a change but it’s close by.”

“Can I have my keys back?”

Holding them over his head, he backed away to the door and opened it. “Come and get them,” he dared.

Your faux huff of annoyance only made him smile more before he pulled his facemask on. “You’re a child, you know that!”

He chuckled as you followed him out of the room and when you drew level with him he dipped his head down. “If you really think that I’m a child then you shouldn’t be dreaming about me.”

“Gross,” you said with a roll of your eyes.

“You didn’t deny it though.”

A laugh bubbled up and you elbowed his ribs. “Shut up. And just to confirm, I don’t dream about you.”

Max looked straight ahead as he turned out of the hospitality building and down the path that went to the car park. “No, you probably dream of brown hair and green eyes.”

You stumbled over a crack in the concrete before you recovered with heated cheeks. “Yes, Harry Styles is frequently in my dreams. You don’t happen to have his number by any chance?”

“Even if I did, I don’t think I could give it to you,” he said after a few steps.

“Why not?”

Blue eyes burned as he stopped to face you, his fingers reaching for your cheek before he caught himself and pulled back. “I’d be too jealous, schat. That’s why. Now are we breaking out of here or what?”

Less than fifteen minutes away Max pulled into another racetrack and you groaned as you heard the whizz of engines flying by.

“I thought you were taking me somewhere different!”

“It is different,” he argued with a laugh as he was given entry by someone in a Red Bull shirt. “MotoGP is way more insane.”

“Moto…w-we should head back.” The high scream of the motorcycles tore past again as you stepped out among the almost empty grandstands. Your eyes could barely track them with the speeds they were reaching, but you couldn’t look away.

“We still have plenty of time,” Max said, clearly interested in the race that was going on. “Do you want to get a closer look? We can go down to the team.”

Your hands began to shake and you buried them in your pockets as another pair of riders flew into a corner together. The tail of one motorcycle clipped the other and they both went crashing to the ground, skidding across the track and into the gravel. Nausea knotted your stomach and you dropped down into the seat, burying your head between your knees as you drew ragged breaths into your lungs.

Engines idled and sirens rang, but your heartbeat was louder than it all.

“Schat? Hey, talk to me,” Max called out but you couldn’t hear him over the throbbing beat in your ears. He tried a few more times before he fumbled for his phone and for the first time he hoped he would answer.

Charles apologised for his phone interrupting the meeting and usually he would have turned it off or on silent but you weren’t with him. Paranoia, protectiveness, call it whatever, but it made him leave the phone on loud.

He nearly declined the call when he saw Max’s name come up but something turned in his stomach as he innately knew it would be about you.

“Scusami,” he said as he left the room to take the call, dreading what he would hear. You assured him that Max was only a friend, but doubt ate at him every time he thought of the two of you hanging out. He knew Max wouldn’t keep you in the shadows, he knew Max could give you the relationship you wanted. He hated Max for reminding him constantly when you weren’t around to hear it.

Charles accepted the call and lifted his phone to his ear but he wasn't prepared to hear your sobs.

“What the fuck, Max!” Charles growled as he arrived, having sped from the nearby Silverstone track.

Max was stressed and combed a hand through his hair, grateful that Charles answered the call. “I don’t know what's wrong with her.”

Warm hands tore your face mask away and the air was no longer as hard to breathe. Those same hands cradled your cheeks and wiped away the tears that ran down them as they lifted your face.

“Breathe, biche,” Charles whispered as he pressed his forehead to yours. “Big breaths. In and out, that’s it. In and out. Good girl.”

You missed the touch of his skin as he pulled away to glare at Max. “What the hell were you thinking bringing her here?”

Max wiped his face, his cheeks coloured from the worry he felt as he watched you fall into a state of cold panic. He had called Charles, not knowing what else to do and your broken whimpers went silent as soon as he arrived.

“I didn’t know this would happen, obviously,” Max growled back. He hated how quickly you calmed at another man’s touch, how you hadn’t even reacted to his attempts to help. “Is she afraid of motorcycles?”

Charles softly brushed his hands over your hair, feeling the damp sweat from your fear, before he cupped his hands over your ears. It didn’t stop you from hearing his soft words. “Her mother died on one.”

Charles wrapped his arms around you and pulled you onto his lap, cradling you close as he glared at Max who looked ill. You couldn’t imagine how you looked, but you figured it was worse. “I swear I didn’t know,” Max muttered, reaching for you only for Charles to shield you in his arms.

Charles scoffed. “Because you don’t know her, so stop trying to and just leave her alone.”

Your strength was slowly returning and you shifted in an attempt to stand up but he held you closer. “He’s my friend, Charles.”

Charles' lips brushed the shell of your ear as he whispered, “He wants to be more, ma biche.”

The crash wasn’t as severe as your mind had assumed when you heard the sirens and the race was restarting, the engines revving as they left the pit lane. The sound had a shudder run down your spine and Charles felt it before realising why.

“Let’s get you out of here,” Charles soothed as he stood up.

“I can carry her,” Max offered, but Charles cut him off with a glare.

“She’s mine- uh, my step sister,” he stammered as he kept walking further from the track.

“Put me down, I can walk,” you said as you arched your back and he was at risk of dropping you. When your feet were back on firm ground you turned to Charles and your eyes softened at the protective look in his. “Thank you for coming here for me-“

“Always.”

“-but I’m fine now,” you continued as you took a step closer to Max. “We’ll meet you back there, okay?”

Charles' head snapped side to side with a sharp shake, “No, not okay.”

Max’s ego seemed to be revitalised with the small step you took and he moved half in front of you. “Mate, you’re not her boyfriend or her father, so stop thinking you have a say in what she can do.”

“She’s here for me, she’s travelling with me,” Charles stated coldly before he looked around the MotoGP buildings with distaste. “And I know what’s best for her.”

“Enough!” you shouted and you put yourself between them. “I just want to go, please.”

Charles sighed at the soft plea and nodded reluctantly. “I’ll see you in the garage.”

You watched him leave in another Ferrari that he had likely borrowed from his teammate, Sebastian, while Max opened the passenger seat of Charles’ car for you. 

“I didn’t know about your mother,” he said softly as he buckled his seatbelt and turned the engine on.

You turned your gaze out the window and shook your head. “Don’t worry, it was years ago. I barely even knew her.”

You felt his hand on your thigh and you closed your eyes as they stung with fresh tears. “I’m so sorry, schat. Let me make it up to you, tonight. Let me take you out on a date, a proper date this time.”

“I can’t,” you mumbled to your lap.

“Why not?”

A fair question, you thought, but not one you were prepared to answer when neither of you had been so bold as to admit what both of you knew. “I can’t date you, or anyone.”

Max’s hand retreated and he scoffed. “Charles.”

“I can’t date anyone when I am in love with someone else. What I need is a friend.”

The tension in the tiny interior grew and Silverstone approached, before Max finally nodded. “Friends, okay. I can be your friend, schat. I’ll be the best fucking friend you have, and when this man you love fucks up and breaks your heart - I’ll be there to put it back together. Okay?”

The declaration had been weeks in the making and you choked down the sudden lump of emotion in your throat. You prayed the day would never come that Charles broke your heart but still found yourself nodding. “Okay, but Max…a friend wouldn’t call me schat.”

He smiled and shrugged, content that you hadn’t just shut him down completely - which would have been the kind thing to do. “I’ll just have to find another name for you then.”

Max walked you back to the Ferrari garage, ignoring the looks he received from the mechanics questioning his presence, but he wanted to make sure you arrived without incident. He was still feeling guilty for the panic attack that had left you drained and you promised you would rest once you were inside. 

Charles barely looked up from his seat on the couch in his room, but you knew he knew you were there from the way his shoulders stiffened. Sitting beside him, you took one of hands and inspected the short nails and the ruined cuticle before enclosing it in yours. 

“I wasn’t sure you were going to come back,” he admitted, barely above a whisper.

“There is only one place I want to be. This…friction between you has to stop. He is my friend and nothing more,” you said as you tipped your head onto his shoulder. 

Warm lips pressed to your forehead. “It felt like you chose him over me. I could hardly think clearly enough to drive.”

“Never, Charles. I love you, as crazy as that may be. No one will know me like you do, Charles. No one else could make me crazy enough to think we could ever have a happy ending - but you do.” His shoulders bounced with a small laugh and you shifted onto his lap so you could cup his face in your palms. “Max knows my heart belongs to another man, to you. He knows friendship is the only thing I can offer him.”

“I don’t like it,” Charles grumbled, his hands finding their way to your waist.

You laughed and kissed his pouting lips before pulling back. “You don’t have to like it, but I need friends. I moved to a new country and then spent four months with one person.”

“Two,” he interjected before zipping his mouth shut.

“I haven’t been able to meet anyone except for your friends and there is a pretty big shortage of females around here.”

Charles inhaled deeply before sighing. “I understand, Max is the closest to a female you could find.” His lips kicked up in a smirk and he tensed, expecting your punch to his shoulder as he laughed. “No, no, I do understand. I didn’t even think about how lonely you must be, I’m sorry, ma biche.”

You accepted his apology with another kiss and smirked when he pulled you closer on his lap. “Is this the cure for my loneliness?” you asked as you felt him growing hard beneath you.

“I don’t know, but I think we should test every possibility.”Your response was stolen by a knock at the door and Charles groaned as he was told to start warming up for the next practice. He dropped his forehead to yours before shifting you back onto the couch as he stood up and rearranged the bulge in his trousers. “Fuck, I was warming up.”

Chuckling, you made yourself comfortable on the couch with his jacket as a pillow. “Put all that energy to good use and wake me when you are done.”

“Oh I’ll wake you, ma biche,” he said with a wink, “but you didn’t say how.”

Click here for part six.

[chefkids]

Feel like it’s impossible to continue to ship them after that cold open with Carmy thinking about her at 5am. If he’s in love with Sydney he doesn’t know it - and I don’t think that’s even a thing. I don’t see how they come back from that.

Claire is not Carmy's future. She's "Wednesday".

Being in denial about feelings and trying to repress them is definitely a thing. And if there's one thing Carmy has ever consistently done is be in denial and suppress. Like he did with Mikey, the NYC Chef trauma, his mother's alcoholism, Sydney when she quit etc. Part II was all about Carmy using Claire to avoid the restaurant/Sydney, even when we saw him being riddled with panic attacks every time he was with Claire. He was trying to make Claire his present/future but every time it kept pulling him back to his past. Part III was all Carmy trying to mentally rewrite his relationship with Claire and conveniently ignoring all the weird times and the panic attacks. Carmy does not think about happy times with Claire to feel happy. He thinks about them to stay in his cold pit of despair and to keep himself from moving on and accepting amusement or enjoyment in his life again. He's addicted to thinking about Claire like he's addicted to cigarettes. Both were not good for him and "a waste of time", and he "quit" both of them but he continues to think about them all the time because he is a self-destructive person.

That long scene with Claire that he thought of at 5 am established several things. Primarily that Carmy is still in "Wednesday", both the literal day that it took place but as a concept. He's stuck in the past with Claire. Frozen in time. He says he used to love Wednesday's as a kid, just like he used to love Claire. Now Sydney is just trying to get past Wednesday, while Carmy tries to avoid thinking about his legacy and the future.

His least favorite day is Sunday because the restaurant is closed and he has nothing to do and he can't turn off the "buzz" at night. Conveniently the only day he doesn't see Sydney. And it's also what Sydney lied about in order to get him to give her a job at The Beef. Then after thinking of Sunday's, Claire noticed his heart was beating really fast, in a seemingly calm situation. Buzzing one might even say.

Then they talk about his hand scar from grabbing a hot pot. He really grabbed it and it's really deep, but he wasn't paying attention. In the very first episode when Sydney arrives, he's arguing with Richie and grabs a really hot pot and burns his hand. Syd is a hot pot that he hasn't been paying attention to and that is going to leave a very deep scar on him once she leaves him.

Claire tells him a story about the girl who came into the ER on the 4th of July with a bunch of cuts, and that she almost killed her by not paying attention to her chart, but when she woke up from surgery she didn't even feel pain because it hurt so much that it didn't hurt at all yet. Then in that same episode Carmy cuts his hand and Sydney walks by, then she cuts her hand after telling him he is not communicating or paying attention. A small cut to the many that he has been adding to his relationship with Sydney. That scene remembering Claire was about how he is hurting people and himself but can't stop because he doesn't feel it yet, because he is frozen in the past, and despite his denial, he still can't "turn off" the buzz of Sydney from his head.

In Apologies after Sydney left him when he realized he was thinking about her while making a dish and starting to allow amusement/enjoyment back in his life by asking Syd to come to Ever, he went back into the fridge to distract himself by thinking about Claire again the same way he did when he was trapped in the fridge, to try to turn off the "buzzing" from Sydney.

Natalie had a similar early morning blue light flashback about her own unresolved issues, thinking about Marcus's mom's funeral and Donna. But by the end of the season we see that she has made peace with her past and Donna and has moved forward with being a mother.

How does Carmy move on from a Claire obsessed season? He faces her reality and what his relationship was her was actually like, not just a highlight reel. He might feel guilt but does he actually want to even be with her again? Doesn't seem like she does based on her conversation with the Fak's.

How does the show establish his feelings for Sydney have always been there? He actually explains to Syd why he wanted her as his partner at the end of Part I, why he was avoiding her/why he thought he could make his feelings for her go away by being with Claire in Part II, and why he was not letting Claire go in Part III and not letting himself feel amusement or enjoyment with her. The same way he explained why he wanted to build a restaurant with Mikey, why he avoided grieving him, and how he accepted the reality of the situation at the end of the end of Part I at al anon and the same way he opened up to her under the table to her in Part II. He is capable of using his words when he really wants to. Losing Claire might have put him in a funk, but if he loses Sydney? Everyone around him is going to be painfully aware of how much she actually means to him compared to Claire. Cause that guy could barely stay alive after she quit the first time. Mikey and Sydney are the only two people Carmy has ever made plans with for the future.

[writersblockedx]

Something Inappropriate: Chapter Two

Read Chapter One here

Pairing - Professor!Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader Summary - When Y/n's becomes endangered and has nowhere else to go, Spencer is the only one who can offer her the security she needs. Warnings - Panic attack, mentions of a past toxic relationship, stalking, some violence words - 2.3K

A/n - If you have any requests please put some in my ask box, I'm running out of ideas but I am obsessed with this man.

Masterlist

The morning after was one brought with embarrassment and regret. Y/n hadn't expected to get so drunk that her behavioural analysis professor was the one taking her back home, his hand at her waist, guiding her from his own car almost to her room. It was a memory she wished she could choose to forget. Alas, Monday morning rolled around quicker than she wanted.

Her first lecture was on victimology with the one and only Doctor Spencer Reid. And that morning was the first morning she didn't take one of the seats in the front row. Rather, she hid herself between fellow students and kept her head down. What she hadn't been aware of however, was the fact Spencer had been watching her from the moment she wandered into the lecture hall.

The truth was, the man had grown worrisome once he left the girl. She was an intoxicated young woman - there was a scary amount of danger which came with that. He knew so, he had seen it, he had seen so many bodies that were exactly like Y/n.

When an hour passed and students began filtering out of the lecture hall, Y/n found that the time to give the man an explanation - along with an array of apologises. Having her professor walk her home drunk certainly wasn't her finest moment.

The girl drew towards the desk where he was seated at the front, watching carefully at the other students who were paying no attention as they left. "Hi," Her voice was barely even a whisper.

But Spencer had offered her a smile which assured her that he hadn't any negative feelings from Friday night. He stood from his desk, "How are you feeling? I hope you had gotten enough sleep Friday."

She returned the smile. But her's was weak in comparison, "I certainly didn't wake up early Saturday." A moment passed and the man clocked the way she was checking the people around her as the very last students dawdled out the lecture hall. "I erm- thank you for what you did, you didn't have to but well, I'm glad you did."

"Any of your professors have a responsibility for your well-being and care, I'm sure any one of them would have done the same." But that was just it - they wouldn't have.

This was more than that. "It's not just that," She swallowed and double-checked they were alone. "I erm- I have this ex-boyfriend you see...scary, aggressive." Y/n's voice was beginning to shake; this wasn't a topic on which she was keen to speak about. "Even still, I mean it's been almost six months. He's determined to get to me, anyway he can. Friday night was my first night out since I left him. It's why I didn't go with the others to the club. He's well, risky and I have to be careful." Spencer had been listening ever so intently, his eyes pooling with sympathy from the moment she started opening up.

And then she shrugged as if what she had just said was nothing, "I guess what I'm trying to say is, had I walked home alone last night and he- he knew, well..." She didn't want to finish her sentence, nor did she have to.

Spencer understood. In the sense that he had hunted stalkers and resentful exes. He knew how they thought and more importantly, he knew how the victims felt. He knew exactly what she was going through. Now more than ever, he was relieved that he had taken her home. Before now, he wondered whether it had been inappropriate. But now he had reason for his actions.

"If anything ever happens, with him or anyone, anything, I'm always here." He assured with the tug of a grin.

She nodded, "Thank you, sir." She awkwardly crossed her arms over her stomach, barely able to meet the man's eyes. "You truly don't know the help you gave me that night."

"Always."

And them words echoed throughout her mind.

The professor was not only smart but kind. Far too kind. The way he spoke to her, the offer of support, it had made her heart weak. And for the rest of that month, she had spent it at the front row, asking for extra help on her essay, anything she could do. And maybe it wasn't just about needing support with her academics, but also finding security in someone. Something of which she had never really had. Especially after him.

It was just expected something was going to kick off. A week prior to the incident, Y/n had several facebook messages all from different accounts from her dreaded ex-boyfriend. All of which she had blocked. But they kept coming. Every morning she would grasp her phone, finding another request, another thread of messages. All of which were blocked, ignored, and tried to erase from her memory.

And then, on what seemed like the first day of Summer, it happened.

She was sat outside a bar with a couple of friends, drink in hand, giggling at something her male friend, Zack, had said. Everything was bliss. Drinks, conversation, friends. It was almost too perfect.

And then the ex-boyfriend wandered over. He had noticed Y/n from afar, storming over, yelling and anger forced from his lips. It had all happened in a flash. Zack stood to Y/n's defence. The next thing that happened, he had a bruised eye. Everyone was yelling. But he, the ex, he was yelling at her.

A punch.

A slap.

A scream.

It was all to quick for Y/n to keep up with. Things escalated and actions were chased. Not one of them were thinking things through. And when everything was all over, when one of the bartenders at the venue dragged the man away, Y/n could barely move. Tears were spilling from her eye line, pooling down her face. And when the chorus of 'are you okays' followed, she couldn't move her lips.

"I should walk you home," Offered one of close friends.

But even after the girl had registered her words, her head shook, "No, no I can't." One thing about this certain ex-boyfriend was that he hadn't never gone quietly. Too many times than she could keep count of, the man knocked on her door, found her in college, even a couple of times went knocking at her friend's houses and accommodation.

She couldn't go home - she couldn't go anywhere.

And then, her mind ran back to the most recent place in which she had felt safe: Doctor Spencer Reid. She swallowed and sniffled at her fallen tears, "I'll message you later," She told her group.

Zack, who had been nursing an early bruised eye, spoke first, "Where are you going to go?" He questioned as the concern for his friend was written over his tone.

"To get some help," She replied with the weakest smile she could muster. "I'll see you guys tomorrow," She gave them each a glance before turning her back. She didn't dare stay at that bar, she didn't dare go home, but she wanted somewhere safe. And that some place just happened to be a certain professor.

Y/n weaved through the college. Though with the time and the weather, it was practically empty. A few faculty members whom gave her a second glance when they caught the sight of her tears. And when she finally reached Doctor Spencer Reid's office, she didn't even bother knocking. Luckily, he was alone, grading papers and creating lesson plans. But at the sound of his door clicking open, his head lifted. Within a millisecond, his expression moulded into one of utter distress and worry.

He stood from his chair, watching as the flood gates opened from her pupils. "Y/n," He spoke her name like it was a prayer. "What- what happened?"A gentle hand reached out to her shoulder before he gestured for the girl to take a seat at the leather couch which faced his desk.

The girl followed him, not yet able to get breath out - never mind words. Her tears trailed down her cheeks as Spencer returned to the couch with her, a tissue in his hand, "Here," He gazed over her, attempting to try and find any suggestion to what might have happened. "Hey, you need to try slow down your breathing, in for four, out for six, okay?" He soothed, "I'll do it with you."

Y/n watched Spencer's chest a he gulped in a breath, holding it and then letting the air slowly exit his lungs. She followed along. And while it was a struggle at first, slowly, her breathing calmed and her tears dried. "That feel better?" The man questioned.

She nodded, "Yeah, yeah," The girl could only mumble. "Thank you."

"Of course, I used to have panic attacks at work sometimes," He admitted before standing, grasping a bottle of water from his wooden desk and handing it over to her. "You don't have to tell me, but if something happened, I'd like to know."

For a moment, her eyes fluttered away, finding the floor more interesting than he. She at least needed to explain to him why she had turned up at his office in such a state - it wasn't as if he didn't know the background anyway. "You remember that ex boyfriend I told you about?" Spencer nodded in understanding; it was almost like that was all he needed to know. "He spotted me in a beer garden with some friends and well...he snapped. I couldn't- I didn't-"

The man watched as her breath itched like she was unable to catch up with it once again, "It's okay," He calmed as his hand fell atop of her's. The girl's eyes shot up at the movement, to his skin falling over her own. It was supportive, she told herself. "Take your time."

And she did. A minute or so had passed and, when she felt ready, she continued to explain: "It happened so quick, I couldn't do anything but watch." She swallowed the lump which had grown harsh in her throat. "He knows where I live, he knows my friends, he knows everything." She wanted to point out how he didn't know Spencer but chose not to. "That's why I came here...I didn't have anywhere else." She explained.

Spencer was taking it all in. He glanced at her and he realised this sudden need to keep her safe, to protect her. The man tried to excuse that as his teaching duty, but this was more. She was more. "You know you can always come to me when you ever have any concerns." He reassured. "It's what I'm here for, and, personally, I believe you should talk to the student wellbeing team, they have the connections that will keep you safe." That's who should protect her - not him.

But Y/n's response suggested that wasn't an option, "Trust me I tried last year, they tried too, went to the police and anything - ironically enough." She scoffed ever so slightly as she leant back onto Spencer's couch, "They had a 'stern talking' to him, but it only made things stop for month." She went over, the memory of which still agitated her. And Spencer could tell such with the way her eyes were fighting to roll. "I don't know what to do now, I mean, I can't go home." If history had taught the girl anything, her ex-boyfriend would already be waiting for her at the accommodation hall.

"Y/n, I do hope you understand the severity of this," Spencer started, "This is text-book stalking. If the wellbeing team talking to the police didn't do anything, than maybe an FBI agent talking to them might." He offered.

Her brows raised, "You'd do that?"

"Only if you wanted me to."

Y/n thought it over but it was an easy answer; anything to get this to stop. "Please."

"Okay then, tomorrow, I'll go with you to the police station, we'll talk to them together and this time, i swear to you, they will put a stop to this." He seemed to promise. But this was no promise he should be making to a student - this sense of protection was one of which was questionable.

She offered him a smile and a, "Thank you." But a question still nagged at the both of them.

It was that desire to protect the girl which urged Spencer to speak, "Do you have somewhere safe you can stay tonight?"

Not her flat that was certain. Even a friend's house was out of the question. A motel...maybe. Y/n sound herself shrugging, "Not at mine no, he's been known to go to my friend's places too and my parents, they're travelling." They were always travelling - spending her inheritance money you see. "I've got some cash, I'll probably go stay at a motel for the night."

The thought of Y/n tossing and turning in a scratchy, stone-like mattress only made Spencer's heart ache. He didn't dare to let them thoughts consume him. So, instead, he offered an alternative solution. "I understand if you're not comfortable, but I have spare room, you're more than welcome if you need."

Her eyes shot up to his, almost like she didn't believe him, "Are you- are you sure?" Surely that wasn't allowed. Though, Y/n (and Spencer too), decided to tell themselves this was different. This situation was well...it had room for things that would otherwise seem inappropriate.

"Of course, you need to be safe and I won't let you sleep in a motel room." Spencer doubted she would even get any sleep at all.

And in that moment, in the aftermath of her panic attack, she accepted, "Okay then."

-

Taglist - @tonystankhere Let me know if you would like to be added for this little series / any future spencer fics :)

[krirebr]

More Than This 4

Pairing: Ransom Drysdale x f!reader, Steve Rogers & f!reader

Word Count: ~6.1k

Summary: Arranged marriages have always been used to solidify business deals among the ultra-wealthy. Your stepfather wants to be in business with Harlan Thrombey, so now it's your turn.

Warnings: Heavy angst, age difference, adult themes, institutional sexism, Linda being Linda, a panic attack, p in v sex, sex in maybe not the best mindset, explicit language, the slooowest burn - Warnings will be added as needed for subsequent parts. All of my work is 18+ - Minors DNI

Dividers by @saradika-graphics

Series Masterlist

Masterlist

A/N: I thought this was gonna be a short one. 😂

Gigantic thanks as always to @paperweight91 who helped me figure out what the problem was when I was really struggling to feel inspired on this one, and then later on when the narrative took a bit of a turn that I wasn't expecting, she helped me navigate it and come out the other side. Chelsea, you continue to be the very best!

And an additional hat tip to @thezombieprostitute, who left a comment on the last part that inspired part of Linda's visit here. Thanks, dear!!

Unsurprisingly probably, this is another sad one. But I hope it'll be worth it!

Any comment, reblog, or ask to let me know what you think will be greatly appreciated. And if you need to come scream at me, that's ok too!

As always, thank you so much for reading! 💜

You’ve reached the phone of Steve Rogers. Please leave a message after the beep.

“Hey, Steve. It’s me. Again. Your sister. Um, shit. Yeah, you’re at work now, aren’t you? Sorry, I still haven’t gotten used to the time difference. I got your texts, and, uh, everything is fine. I’m– I’m doing good. But I miss you. And it’d be nice to hear your voice. But I’m fine, I’m good, I promise. I just– I’ll try again soon. Love you. Ok. Bye.”

You hung up and sighed, setting your phone down beside you. You hadn’t actually spoken to Steve since you’d gotten on the plane a week ago. Which was fine. You were doing fine. He’d texted you. And he was busy. You knew he was. It’d be easier, you thought if you were too. But everything had been unpacked. The housekeeper took care of all the upkeep of the house and you got the distinct impression that she didn’t much care for your “help,” so now when she was here you mostly tried to stay out of her way. Even Lola was getting tired of going for walks around the neighborhood.

You’d barely seen your husband since your disastrous attempt at sex. He’d been avoiding you, leaving early in the morning and coming home late at night. You hadn’t talked about what happened. You’d barely talked about anything.  

You looked at your laptop on the coffee table and exited out of the WebMD entry on erectile dysfunction. That wasn’t helping. With nothing to do and no one to talk to, all you could do was think about what would happen to you if you couldn’t get Ransom to fuck you. If you didn’t get pregnant. You still hadn’t seen the contract and weren’t sure what the actual terms were, but you knew the consequences would be nothing good. 

Steve had had an aunt on his mother’s side who’d been found in breach of contract and had her marriage dissolved. You never really knew her, but you remembered how Joseph talked about her, about the desperate arrangement she’d eventually had to settle for, the sadness in Steve’s eyes whenever she came up. That wouldn’t be you, couldn’t be you. You knew you wouldn’t even start to feel secure in your arrangement until that part of the contract had been fulfilled. You just needed to figure out how.

But, dwelling on it wasn’t helping. Googling possible causes of Ransom’s issue wasn’t helping (although it was better than listening to the voice in your head that wouldn’t stop telling you that he just didn’t want to touch you). You needed something to do. Back in LA, you’d worked part-time at an art gallery Steve had introduced you to. You’d mostly answered the phones and greeted people as they came in, but you’d liked it. There had to be something like that available in Boston. And at least trying to find it would give you something to focus on.

So you lost yourself in compiling a list of galleries you could try to contact, sitting on the couch with Lola curled up beside you. When Ransom came home late that night, that’s how he found you. You looked up, startled when he came in the door, and found a similar expression on his face. 

“Oh,” he said. “You’re still up,” as he took off his coat and shoes.

“Yeah,” you said, not knowing what else to say.

He nodded and came as far as the beginning of the living area, then stopped and just stared at you for a moment. You waited for whatever it was he was going to say. Then, finally, “How was your day?”

“It was fine,” then, gathering your courage and hoping you wouldn’t be shut down, you added, “I started to look for a job.”

“Oh,” he looked mildly surprised. “Do you have any experience?”

You pushed down the tinge of hurt that bubbled up at that. The question wasn’t completely uncalled for. Many of your friends back home had never worked a day in their lives. But you couldn’t help feeling a little defensive when you answered, “Yes, I worked at the front desk of an art gallery back home. I liked it. I’d like to find something like that here.”

Ransom hummed thoughtfully as he nodded. “Well,” he said, looking off into the corner of the room, “uh, let me know if there’s anything I can do to help with that.”

“Oh,” you said, too surprised to say anything else for a moment. You’d been sure he’d say no. You weren’t quite sure what to do with an offer of help, of all things. And you would need his help if you got the job, with a way to get yourself there at the very least. But you didn’t want to jinx it or push things too far right now, so you just said, “Thank you. I will.” And then, “Uh, how was your day?”

“It was fine,” he said, stiffly. “Busy, I’ve been really busy. And I’m, uh, I’m exhausted now. So I’m going to go straight to bed. Feel free to stay up as late as you want. Obviously.” And just like that, he turned on his heel and left the room. 

You should’ve gone after him, maybe. Made him talk to you about it. Or just taken your clothes off while he was talking (although that hadn’t worked the first time). Something. But you were tired too and you just didn’t have it in you, as important as you knew it was. 

So, you gave it about half an hour before you went to bed yourself, going through your nighttime routine as quietly as you could in the ensuite. When you went back out to the bedroom, you found Lola already on the bed, curled up against Ransom’s side. You stopped, wondering if you should move her. She’d slept in the bed with you for the last four nights, ever since that awful night, and Ransom hadn’t said anything about making her stop. And he obviously hadn’t noticed her snuggling up next to him, so maybe it was fine. You climbed in next to her and wrapped your body around hers, ignoring the way it made you brush up against Ransom, too.

The next afternoon, you were busying yourself with trying to reorganize your walk-in closet, when you heard someone moving around downstairs. It wasn’t one of the housekeeper’s days, so you made sure you had your phone on you and started down the stairs with caution. 

When you got about halfway down, you saw Linda standing in the middle of the living room. “Linda!” you exclaimed, unable to hide your shock at her standing before you. “Ransom didn’t tell me you’d be stopping by. I didn’t know you had a key.”

“Of course, I do, I’m his mother. And I’m the one who set him up with this house.” She cast a judgemental eye on the room. “I see you’ve been moving some things around.”

“Oh,” you said, now at the bottom of the stairs and looking around a little worriedly. You’d tried so hard to disrupt as little as possible. “Not much, I don’t think. Just a little to make room for my own things.”

Linda hummed in a way that made you want to shrink inside yourself. “Well,” she said and held out a gift bag. “I brought you a little something.”

“You didn’t have to do that,” you said, forcing a smile as you took the gift, slightly afraid of what might be in it. You glanced inside, moving aside the tissue paper to find about a dozen pregnancy tests. “Oh,” you said, afraid if you said anything more you might burst into tears. It was fine it was fine it was fine.

“Just want you to be prepared,” she said.

“Thank you,” you forced out. “You really shouldn’t have.” 

“Well,” she clapped her hands together, “why don’t you get us some coffee?”

You forced another smile, trying to cover the panic you felt that she was staying. “Yes, of course.” You took your time getting the coffee prepared in the kitchen. Once it was ready, and you had the cream and sugar and everything else gathered on a tray, you couldn’t delay it any longer and brought everything out to the living room. Linda helped herself to a mug, finishing it to her liking as you did the same. You caught, though, the little face she made at her first sip. That was fine, it was her son’s fucking coffee.

“This is nice,” she said, in that particular syrupy tone of voice she had that meant she was trying too hard to seem friendly. “Just the two of us. Overdue.”

You made yourself nod. “Yes,” you said, “It’s great to see you.”

“I was talking to Ransom this morning, and he mentioned that you’re looking for a job?”

“Oh,” you started, something about her tone making you cautious, “yeah, you know, something to keep me occupied. I used to work at an art gallery and I’m hoping I can do something similar here.”

She took a sip of her coffee, then pursed her lips. “Well, that sounds lovely. But are you sure it’s a good idea with a baby on the way?”

You did your best to chuckle, trying to keep things light as you felt a sinking feeling in your stomach. “I’m not pregnant yet, Linda.”

“Maybe not, but you will be soon. And do you really think it’s fair to get a job when you’re just going to have to quit in a few weeks anyway?”

You stared at her confused, your own coffee now forgotten. “We don’t know exactly when I’ll get pregnant.” You may not care for Ransom much, but you certainly weren’t going to discuss his possible impotence with his mother. Or the fact that he just didn’t want you. “And I don’t understand why I would have to quit once I got pregnant anyway.”

“Well, I’m sure Ransom won’t want you working once you’re pregnant. He’ll want you to focus on growing his child and getting everything prepared for the baby.”

You felt the air go out of your lungs. All you could do was gape at her. What? You flashed back to the wedding, to Harlan telling you how good you were going to be for Ransom. To your mother telling you to keep him happy. To Joseph’s speech barely even mentioning you. It was like you as a person didn’t exist anymore. You were just here for him. Your whole life set up just to cater to him. You felt the tears starting to gather in your eyes, but you would not cry in front of this woman. 

“But,” you started, “you worked all through your pregnancy and Ransom’s childhood, didn’t you? I don’t understand why I wouldn’t be able to, too.”

“Oh,” she said, as she gave you the most condescending look you might have ever received, “I see. You think you and I are the same. Sweetheart, no. I helped my father choose my arraignment. I came into it with my own money, having already established myself. A real career, not some silly part-time gallery job. I’m the one who supports Richard. I’ve always had the power. I was never you. And you will never be me. So, how about you let Ransom take good care of you and you focus on the things that you can give him, hmm?”

You just stared at her, feeling suddenly numb. What the fuck were you supposed to say to that? You’d only spoken to her a few times and every single time she’d made you feel so small, insignificant, weak. 

She placed her mug on the table and stood up. “I’ll get out of your hair now, dear, but this was so nice. We’ll have to do it again soon.” She stood in front of you as all you could do was sit and stare. She raised her perfectly manicured eyebrow at you and you finally realized that she wanted you to stand. You robotically did so, still so numb from this short visit. As soon as you were upright, she gave you a stiff hug and patted you on the shoulder. “I’m so glad we were able to put this silly job idea to bed,” she said. “I’ll show myself out. Have a good rest of your day, darling.” And then she was gone and you were left standing alone in the middle of Ransom’s living room.

You spent the rest of the afternoon running Linda’s visit through your mind, over and over. The thing you couldn’t understand was why, if Ransom was so against you working, he hadn’t said anything about it last night. Wouldn’t it have been easier to just tell you no right away, rather than siccing his mother on you the next day? Why would he say yes? Was it just so that he could look like the good guy before he had his mom do his dirty work for him? Was he really that much of a chickenshit? 

When you got to a point when you thought you might actually drive yourself crazy if you thought about it anymore, you got your phone out and tried, once again, to call Steve. 

You’ve reached the phone of Steve Rogers. Please leave a message after the beep.

You wanted to scream. You were so fucking tired of talking to his machine. Every time you thought you couldn’t feel more alone, you just fell deeper.

“Hey, Steve. Um, I’d really love it if you could call me back. I know you’re busy. I don’t mean to– I’m sorry. I just– I just really miss you. I’d really like to talk to you. I love you. Ok. Bye.”

You hung up and then just stared at your black phone screen for a moment. You couldn’t just sit in the house anymore. “Lola!” you called out into the house, not sure of where she’d gotten off to. “Want to go for a walk?”

Ransom didn’t come home that night, the absolute fucking coward.

When you woke up the next day, you couldn’t tell if Ransom’s side of the bed had been slept in or not. Lola was sprawled across it, taking up much more space than her tiny body would indicate. You decided not to dwell on it.

There was a text message from Steve, sent in the middle of the night.

Hey chipmunk. I’m so sorry I keep missing your calls. I’ve been absolutely slammed this week. I’ll try to call you soon. Hope you’re doing ok. I miss you so much. Love you.

You couldn’t stop staring at it. The childhood nickname combined with the distance the message represented made your whole chest ache. 

As the day wore on, you didn’t know what to do with yourself. The housekeeper didn’t want you around. All the unpacking was done. You couldn’t look for a job. You tried to read but you couldn’t focus. You called Steve but he didn’t pick up, again, and you just didn’t have it in you to leave another message.  

You felt like you sleepwalked through the whole day, so when Ransom walked in in the evening, you were startled to realize the day was gone.

Lola lept off your lap on the couch and ran to him as soon as he came in the door, hopping up and down and prancing in front of him. He froze, his scarf halfway off his neck and caught in his hands. “What is it doing?” he asked, turning to you, absolutely bewildered.

“I– I don’t know,” you said, staring at your dog. It was stupid, you knew it was so stupid, but you couldn’t help the frisson of betrayal that ran through you. She was supposed to be yours. She was supposed to love you, only you. And now she was consorting with the enemy. And you were jealous of a dog. But what else did you have? Your husband wouldn’t touch you, your brother wouldn’t call you back, and now your dog loved someone else. It all made you want to sob. “I think she’s happy to see you.”

He looked at you aghast. “Why?!”

“I don’t know,” you said again. “Lola,” you called, but she was still hopping up and down in front of Ransom. “Lola!” She turned at your stern tone and reluctantly ran back to you. You picked her up and cradled her in your arms. “Sorry,” you said to Ransom, then quietly murmured, “What were you doing?” into her fur. You glanced at the time. “You’re home early.”

“Uh, yeah,” he said, somewhat sheepish. “Finally got out of work at a decent hour.”

“Oh.” It felt so weird to have him here. “I guess we could have dinner. Have you eaten?”

“Uh, no. Dinner sounds great.” He finally came out of the entryway and began digging through his fridge, pulling out two of the pre-prepared meals his housekeeper kept there. 

As he put them in the microwave, all you could do was stare at him. You’d had the last twenty-four hours to stew in your anger and sadness and now all you really felt was tired. There was nothing you could do. It was his house, his family that held the strings. You were far from home with no one to back you up. He’d seen to it that you didn’t have a job to fall back on. All you could do was go along with what he wanted. The only thing you could do was make your place here more secure. As he bent down to get a plate out of the microwave, you blurted out, “Why won’t you fuck me?”

He straightened up quickly and stared at you. “What the fuck?!”

“I just–” you tried, “Has that happened before? Your problem. I’ve read that as men get older that happens sometimes.”

“I’m thirty-five, not fucking sixty. What the actual fuck?” He loudly dropped the plate down in front of you. “Eat your fucking food. I’m not talking about this.”

You sullenly started in on your food, it was pasta. You barely tasted it. You needed to keep talking about this, but doing it while he was angry probably wasn’t the best approach. 

He heated up the other plate and then joined you, taking a seat next to you at the island. You both ate in silence, until he finally said, “I just don’t think this is anything we need to rush into. We have plenty of time.”

You looked up at him. Of course, he wouldn’t think there was any rush. Of course, he didn’t have any personal stakes in you getting pregnant. Of course, he could forbid you from working but then deny you the one thing that would give you something to fucking do here. Something that would take a portion of your anxiety away. “We don’t actually,” you growled. “We have no idea how long it’s going to take me to get pregnant.”

“You keep saying that, but I just– I think rushing it would be a mistake. We have more time than you think and putting this off until we know each other better is a good idea.”

And suddenly, you saw red. Every single fucking thing was on his terms. His hometown, his family, his house, his things, his staff, his single car, his timetable. “And how are we supposed to do that, huh?” you yelled, standing up now. “When you’re gone before I wake up and you cross your fingers I’m in bed before you get home. If you even come home! When exactly is this getting to know each other supposed to happen?!”

“Hey!” he yelled, standing up as well. Lola ran upstairs at the sound of his stool scraping against the hardwood. “Calm the fuck down! What is the big fucking deal if we wait a few months rather than doing it right now?”

“Because the longer we wait the less time I’ll have to get pregnant! And the more likely it’ll be that it won’t happen and we’ll nullify the contract and our marriage will be dissolved. And you’ll be fucking fine! You’ll still be your grandfather’s and your mother’s heir. Nothing will happen to you. But I’ll be sent back to Joseph. I’ll have to accept a second arrangement with anyone who will take me. I’ll– I’ll–” You couldn’t breathe. You couldn’t breathe. The room was getting smaller, pressing in on you, and you couldn’t breathe. 

You sank down to the floor and suddenly Ransom was in front of you. He called your name, but it was hard to process it. He called it again and you made eye contact with him. “You’re having a panic attack. You’re ok. You’re alright. I’m here.” He was speaking so quietly, so gently. “I’m here to help you, ok? I’m going to stay with you.” You nodded as best you could. “Can I touch you?” he asked, and you immediately shook your head. “Ok,” he said quickly, “that’s fine. That’s ok. I won’t touch you. You’re breathing too fast, ok? You need to slow down. Can you breathe with me? Come on, do it with me.” And then he breathed in slowly and you tried to match his rhythm. In and out, in and out, so slowly. At some point, he started counting. In 1 2 3 4 5. Out 1 2 3 4 5. Eventually, you could do it on your own, without him coaching you. 

You spent a few more minutes on the floor with him, you both just breathing at each other. Then finally you were able to find your words. “I’m ok,” you said. “I’m alright. Sorry. I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to apologize for,” he said, still so gentle. “Nothing at all. Can you get up?” You nodded and he helped you up. “Are you hungry?” he asked and you shook your head. “Ok, I’ll clean the food up later. Can I help you upstairs?” You nodded and he, very carefully, put his hand on your back, so slowly that you had all the time in the world to pull away. His touch was warm, soft. His touch was always so soft with you.

He guided you to the bedroom where Lola was already on the bed, shaking steadily and looking at you with big, fearful eyes. You climbed on and curled up next to her. “You’re ok,” you whispered to her. “I’m sorry we scared you.” She scooted so she was snuggled up right against you and you carded your fingers through her fur, scratching gently.

Ransom hovered at the foot of the bed. “Thank you,” you said quietly.

“Of course,” he said. “Has that happened before?”

You shook your head. “No, I don’t think so. How did you know how to help?”

“Oh, uh,” he rubbed his hand over the back of his neck, looking down at the floor, “I used to get them when I was a kid. I had a nanny who, uh, she was really good about them.”

You just nodded, feeling like you should tuck away that information. You knew so little about him, real things that hadn’t been in the binder. You wanted to file away everything you could.

“Are you– Will you be ok if I go take care of the food?”

You nodded again. “Yeah,” you said, softly. “I’ll be fine. Lola will take care of me. Won’t you, baby?” Lola flopped onto her back so that you could give her tummy scratches and you let out a soft giggle. You smiled up at Ransom, to reassure him. And he just sort of stopped. And stared at you. Your brow furrowed as you became self-conscious under his gaze and your smile started to drop. 

He suddenly shook himself out of whatever had been happening and nodded. “Yeah, ok. Yell if you need me,” and he darted out of the room. 

You weren’t sure exactly how long he was gone. You passed the time snuggling with Lola, taking comfort in her. You felt shaky and raw. And scared, still scared of everything that could happen, everything you’d yelled at Ransom about. And Ransom himself, how he would take to being yelled at like that, once he was done being worried. 

You heard his heavy footfalls at the top of the stairs and looked up as he came back into the room. He sat on the edge of the bed and turned so you could see half his face. “I didn’t–” he started and stopped. Then, after another moment, “I didn’t realize you were so worried about all of this.”

“How would you?” you asked, your eyes cast down, locked on Lola as you continued to pet her. “You’re never here. We never talk.”

“I’ve been really busy,” he said, just a tinge of defensiveness in his tone. “Work’s been awful.” He paused, then repeated, “I’ve been really busy.”

“Sure,” you said.

Neither of you said anything for long minutes. You just kept petting Lola, your hand moving over her body rhythmically. 

Then finally, Ransom said lowly, “We can work on it. Getting pregnant. If that will make you feel better. Make things easier for you.”

“Can we?” you asked. “I don’t know if what happened– if that was something that happens to you a lot, or if,” you looked back down, “or if you just don’t want me.”

He moved his hand so that his fingertips grazed yours on the bed. “It’s not that. It wasn’t ever that, ok?” You couldn’t help the way your whole body heated, just a bit, at the implication. You looked up just as he tilted his head back and closed his eyes. “I just– You were clearly so scared. You wanted to be anywhere else, I could tell. You wouldn’t let me touch you, you wouldn’t even look at me. I can’t do it like that. I just can’t.” He opened his eyes and looked right at you. “I just can’t.”

“Oh,” you said quietly. “That’s– I’m sorry, I–”

He shook his head. “No, that’s not– I just thought you should know.”

You sat quietly together for a few moments. Then you took a deep breath and said, “I think we should try again.”

He gave you a surprised look. “Now?” You nodded resolutely but he shook his head back at you. “You’re still coming down from your panic attack. This can wait til tomorrow.”

In the aftermath of your anxiety, the anger you’d felt had mostly faded away, but now it bubbled back up again. You were so tired of him dictating how everything would go. “No,” you said firmly. “I don’t want to put it off anymore. I’m fine now. This will make things better.”

He just looked at you, searching your face for something. You tried to show him how calm you were now, how sure. Finally, he let out a long sigh. “Fine,” he said. Then he got off the bed and started taking off his clothes. You scrambled up onto your knees to take your top off, gently coaxing Lola off the bed. She looked up at you, waiting for you to join her, but Ransom, now clad only in his boxers, picked her up, gently you noted, and deposited her in the hallway, shutting the door behind her. He looked at you as you continued to strip down to just your bra and panties, his eyes running over your body, and for the first time, you felt it. Maybe he did want you.

He climbed back on the bed. “Can I kiss you?” he asked. You froze for just a second, then nodded. He slowly brought his mouth to yours and caressed your lips with his own. His lips were soft and warm. The kiss was hesitant on both sides, not exactly passionate, but not chaste either. Nowhere near the worst you’d ever had. A quiet arousal began to pool in your core. Not need, not exactly. But it would be enough, you thought. You broke the kiss and laid down on your back. “I’m not trying to shut you out,” you said, trying to keep your tone kind, “but it’ll be faster, I think, if we both just get ourselves ready.” You started the same as last time, one hand on your breast, the other slowly traveling down your body to play with the hem of your panties. “But you can watch,” you added. “If that’s something you like.” 

He cleared his throat and nodded. Then he reached over and lightly grabbed your underwear with both hands. “Is this ok?” he asked.

“Yeah,” you breathed, trying to push down your nerves. Everything was ok, this was what needed to happen. You were fine. You were ok.

He pulled your panties down your legs, then tossed them on top of his own clothes. You closed your eyes to focus again on your goto fantasy. The man standing over you. His voice in your ear. And again, you heard the sounds of Ransom getting himself ready. The snick of him opening the bottle of lube. The wet sounds of his hand working over his cock. This time you didn’t let it bother you. This time, you willed yourself not to flinch when you felt his hand on your leg. You had two fingers in your cunt and you worked yourself open, your thumb rubbing over your clit. Once you were wet enough, stretched enough, you opened your eyes and sat up. Ransom was staring at you, one hand on his hard cock, kneeling in front of you. 

“Ok,” you said, “I think I’m ready.” He started to move forward, but you stopped him with a hand on his bare chest. “Can I be on top?” you asked. “Is that ok?”

He looked down at where you were touching him and then back up at your face. “Yeah,” he grunted. “Yeah.”

You switched places as he laid down and you moved over him, straddling his pelvis and then carefully lowering yourself onto his cock. You tried not to grimace as he stretched you. He grunted again, as you slowly took more and more of him. Both of his hands came up to grasp your hips as you began to ride him, slowly at first, then picking up your pace. He was staring at your body and it was– it was a lot. Too much. You closed your eyes against it, hoping you just looked like you were into it. As he got closer, he started to buck up into you. You couldn't help but gasp at it. One of his hands moved from your hip to rub circles with his thumb over your clit, the rest of his hand splayed over your pelvis. You breathed through it, trying to let go enough to let yourself come, but you could tell that wasn’t going to happen. That was ok. That didn’t need to happen. Only one of you needed to come tonight.

He continued to buck up into you, his movements becoming more erratic. You balanced yourself with your hands on his shoulders. “Can I–” he grunted. “I’m gonna– Can I move you?”

“Yeah,” you whispered. “Yeah.”

He sat up and tucked you into him, rolling you both over so that you were now on your back and he was on top of you. He thrust back into you, once, twice, three times, and then he was coming, filling you up. His whole body stuttered over you and then collapsed on top of you. He breathed into your neck for countless moments and you didn’t know why, but you brought your hand up to gently stroke at the short hairs at the base of his skull. “Do you need me to–” he started to ask.

“No,” you said, knowing he was offering to help you finish. “I’m fine. Good. I’m good.”

You felt him nod, just a little, but he didn’t say anything else. It was so quiet, just the sounds of him catching his breath. Then he placed a soft kiss where your neck met your shoulder and lifted himself up and off you. You whimpered, just a little, as he pulled out. 

You quickly lifted your hips up to keep his cum inside of you. You reached blindly next to your head until you found a pillow that you shoved under your lower back to keep your pelvis canted up. Ransom moved around the room, picking his underwear off the floor, and then into the bathroom. A few minutes later he came back out with a washcloth. He moved it towards your cunt and you shot a hand out. “No! Wait.”

“Hey,” he said softly, “it’s ok. Just for your thighs. I know. I understand.” He gently moved the warm washcloth over your legs. “Are you alright?” He asked, not quite meeting your eyes. “Was that ok?”

“Yeah,” you said, moving your hand to brush along his forearm. “I’m alright. That was good.”

You lay in bed as Ransom lightly snored on his stomach next to you, Lola curled up between you. You couldn’t sleep. You’d been tossing and turning for about an hour, probably. You sat up. It was no use. Your mind was too busy. Sleep wasn’t going to come.

You grabbed your phone and got out of bed, moving downstairs to the living room as quietly as you could. You curled up on the couch and hugged your knees. You weren’t sure how you felt. It had been fine. Parts of it had even been good, maybe. It’d just, it’d been a long night. You’d gone through so many feelings, and now– Now, you just felt a little empty.

You looked at your phone. It was just before midnight. That meant it’d be a little before nine in LA. Steve hopefully wouldn’t still be working, but he wouldn’t be asleep yet either. He might be out, or painting, or busy some other way, but. It was worth a shot. 

It only rang once. “Oh my god! I’m so sorry!” Steve gasped. “Work has been a fucking nightmare, but that’s no excuse. I was going to try to call you tomorrow, but I’m so, so glad you called me now. How are you? Are you ok?”

The tears had started as soon as you heard your brother’s voice. “Steve,” was all you could get out before you were full-on crying.

“Oh, chipmunk, no. What’s wrong?”

You wiped your eyes and took a deep breath, trying to get yourself together. You finally had your brother on the phone. You weren’t going to waste the whole conversation crying. “Nothing,” you managed. “I’m ok, I just– I’m just so happy to talk to you.”

“Yeah,” Steve said, and you thought that maybe his voice sounded a little thick too. “Me too. I’m so happy to talk to you. I’m so sorry it’s been so long. How are you doing? Your messages, you sounded– Are you ok?”

You sniffled as you tried to nod and then realized he couldn’t see it. “Yeah, I’m fine, I’m good. It’s just a little lonely here. I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too. Everything’s so different here without you. Shit, it’s late there. What are you doing up?”

You shrugged. “Just couldn’t sleep. It’s been a long day.”

Steve hummed and there was a tone to it you couldn’t quite decipher. “Is Ransom there?”

“Yeah, he’s asleep upstairs.”

“And how is he?” Steve’s tone was decidedly cold now.

“He’s fine,” you said, ignoring it. “His work’s been really busy too.”

“And how’s he been to you?” he asked and you definitely didn’t miss the challenge there.

“He’s been fine, Steve,” you said and you weren’t sure whether or not it was a lie. “Everything’s fine.” You’d already decided you weren’t going to tell him about the job thing. That wouldn’t do anything but upset him. Get him on a plane here, maybe, so he could try throwing his weight around. You rolled your eyes. It was better this way. “I’ve just been unpacking mostly. Nothing too exciting. What about you? What’s going on with you? I want to hear everything.”

“You’re sure it’s not too late there?”

“No, not at all. I’m wide awake. And nothing much to get up for in the morning anyway. But if you’re busy or need to go to bed or something, you can go whenever you need to.”

“Not a chance. I wanna talk to you as long as I can,” Steve said. And you knew he couldn’t see it, but you grinned into the phone anyway.

Tag list is open

@stargazingfangirl18 @yenzys-lucky-charm @thezombieprostitute @jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory @bval-1 @km-ffluv @texmexdarling @ladyvenera @roxyfan14-blog @darkserenity24 @citronbun @rebeccapineapple @alexakeyloveloki @dancer3205 @i-can-do-this-all-dayy @thecrandle @lokislady82 @thedazzlingburglar @23skidoosteven @she-wolf09231982 @arbesa-mind @samfreakingwinchester @emerald-writes @have-another-doughnut @patzammit @blackhawkfanatic @mooievis @dontbescaredtosingalong @curiousandjoyous @identity2212 @helensdrafts @cricket66 @vyctorya @disgruntled-cat @heyyitsreign

[lewmagoo]

we own the sky | rhett abbott

part two: under pressure

read part one here

series info: read the synopsis here. find the series masterlist here. listen to the playlist here. see the posting schedule here.

description: in which you decide to face your fears

warnings: 18+ only, heavy themes, mentions of character death, grief, blood and injury, angst with a positive ending, panic attack, allusions to sex, eventual smut, inaccurate weather terms, please do not check my science lol this story requires some suspension of disbelief. i usually try not to say anything about reader's family in fics but i do mention them having an unnamed great-aunt, as it was necessary to the plot

pairing: rhett abbott x f!reader

word count: 11,838

notes: this story is inspired by twisters. you do not have to watch the movie in order to understand this story, because aside from the storm chasing aspect, it has nothing to do with the twister universe. i've been working on this story for 2 months straight, and it is my pride and joy. i am so excited for everyone to read it! without further adieu, here is we own the sky!

You curled up beneath the covers that night, eager to get some much-needed rest after a day spent cleaning and socializing. Your body was so weary, and as you snuggled into the softness of Rhett’s bed, your eyes grew heavy as soon as your head hit the pillow, and you drifted off into dreamland. 

But a few hours later, you woke to the sound of your name being sharply whispered into the gray morning light. It took a moment for you to draw yourself to consciousness, climbing your way out of layers of dreams, before your eyes flew open and you found yourself staring into Rhett’s face. 

“Hey, sorry t’ wake ya so early, but there’s storm activity over by Sapulpa. Wanna come with us?” He asked, voice low. 

You squinted, glancing over at the small digital clock on the nightstand. It was barely five in the morning. It had only been a few hours since you’d pledged to go on a chase with Rhett. You had certainly not been prepared for it to be this soon. 

“Fuck it,” you grumbled, tossing the covers off. “I’ll come.”

“You don’t have to if—”

“I’m comin’,” came your sharp reply. You hurried to your suitcase, where you dug out some clothes to change into. 

“Alright, I’ll be in the truck.” He kept his voice at a whisper, but there was an excitement in his tone, electricity in the air. 

When he left the room, you let out a breath, a shudder running through your body. The beginnings of adrenaline had begun to course through you, and your heart rate picked up as you realized what was happening. This was it. You’d made a bet and now you had to follow through with it. 

So, running off of four hours of sleep, with a body that ached from exhaustion, you got dressed, shoved your feet into your shoes, grabbed your phone, and quietly scurried out into the hall and down the steps. 

You were surprised to see Cecilia in the kitchen doorway, waiting for you. “Take this,” she said, placing a paper bag full of breakfast goods such as granola bars and homemade muffins in your hands. Then she patted your hand. “And be careful, you hear me? Both of you.”

“We will be,” you assured her. 

She didn’t seem at all surprised that you were going. Either Rhett had already told her, or she’d simply assumed you would end up going at some point. 

After you bid her goodbye, you burst through the front door and onto the porch, shoes scraping against wood as you bounded down the steps. You jogged to the truck, and in the distance, you could see an F150 and an RV coming down the road. 

The team was coming together. It was time to chase down some twisters. 

With your heart pounding in your chest and your hands trembling, you climbed into the passenger seat of Rhett’s truck, shoving the bag of food down onto the floorboards. Rhett was already in the driver’s seat, fiddling with the radio dial, trying to find a weather broadcast. 

“Y’ready for this?” He asked you.

A shuddering breath escaped your lungs. “As I’ll ever be.” A lie. You were nowhere near ready for this. But you’d already made a promise, so you had to stick it out. 

“Hey,” Rhett continued, bumping your arm gentle with his own. “If you need to stop at any point, just let me know, alright?”

You mustered a smile. “I will,” you promised. You folded your hands in your lap so they’d stop shaking. 

Moments later, after the team pulled in, you glanced in the rearview mirror and saw Zara jump out of the Ford, headed for you and Rhett. With her thick curls piled into a bun atop her head, a pair of smart denim shorts and a tucked in button-down with the sleeves rolled up, she looked ready to get down to business. 

When she saw you, her face broke into a grin. “You’re coming!” She exclaimed, speaking through the truck window Rhett had just opened. 

“Yeah! Had to carry out my end of the bargain,” you told her, trying to sound humorous, but you were certain that your trepidation overshadowed any attempt at being funny.

She held up an iPad. “Here, I’ll let you monitor the radar, if you’re comfortable with that?” 

You looked at weather radar screens for a living. You were more than capable of monitoring the storm path, but you still felt your chest tighten with uncertainty. Even so, you reached out and took the device from her. “Sure, I can do that.”

“Great! All of us communicate through walkies, so if you have any questions, just radio me.”

“I will. Thanks,” you replied with a nod. And then, “Oh! Here, have some breakfast for the road.” You reached into the bag from Cecilia and pulled out some muffins and breakfast bars, thrusting them into her hands. “Give some to Finn and Danny too!”

“Thank you! See ya on the road!” Then she was off, jogging back to the truck.

You settled back against the seat, breathing out a sigh. Beside you, Rhett leaned closer. “Hey,” he hummed, “you’re gon’ be just fine.”

You tried your best to believe him.

As he pulled onto the main road, headed toward Sapulpa, you unlocked the iPad, familiarizing yourself with its layout before you located the radar app. With trembling fingers, you put the location into the search bar and waited for it to pull the correct screen up.

Seconds later, there it was. A large, red colored cloud moving over the map, indicating severe weather activity. Sapulpa wasn’t too far away. A fifteen-minute drive and you’d be there. 

As Rhett drove, accelerating ten miles over the speed limit, you found yourself secretly hoping that you would not encounter a twister on this run. Maybe it would only be a storm. But you knew this area. You were more than familiar with the weather patterns here. 

You looked up at the sky, noticing the angry gray clouds in the distance, roiling with thunder and lightning, full of raindrops, just waiting to unleash their fury upon the earth below. 

It felt as if you were driving straight into the belly of the beast, and essentially, you were. 

Forcing your eyes back down to the screen in your lap, you studied the radar, taking notice of the severe weather banner that had just popped up across the screen. In your pocket, your phone buzzed, and you didn’t have to look at it to know that a tornado warning had been issued for the area. 

Oh, god. 

“Y’ still with me?” Rhett’s voice pulled your attention to him. 

“Yeah, I…I’m fine,” you lied right through your teeth. You glanced out the back window of the truck, and eyed the trailer full of nitrogen tanks, metal rattling loudly. 

It was up to you and Rhett to get these tanks into position. You had to face the danger head-on, get ahead of the potential twister, and make the drop, all while trying to avoid being blown off course by the wind. 

This was a suicide mission. 

But you refused to back out, swallowing your terror and keeping a close eye on the radar. You were getting closer to the brewing storm. Although it was early morning and the sun had just begun to rise, it was eerily dark, clouds casting a shadow over the rolling plains. 

As your gaze flickered to the fields that framed the stretch of highway, you watched the grass ripple in the wind. Without thinking, you moved to open the window, and a blast of humid air hit you in the face. 

A flash of lightning tore through the sky, and seconds later, a deafening clap of thunder made you jump. 

Beside you, Rhett eyed you briefly, unbeknownst to you. He was watching your body language, looking for any signs of distress. Just a few days ago, you’d sworn to him you couldn’t stomach the thought of chasing again. And now here you were, sitting beside him. 

He questioned if you were ready for this. But you seemed fine, so he left it alone. 

“How’s the radar lookin’?” He asked you.

You tore your gaze away from the sky, quickly pressing the button to shut the window before you looked at the screen. “It’s moving fast. Rain will probably hit soon.”

Before you even finished your sentence, the first few drops began pelting against the truck. Thunder rumbled. Your heart skipped a beat. 

You could hear Zara speaking over the radio, but you were too busy focusing on the sky, searching for any sign of funnel activity. Your limbs buzzed with adrenaline. Your chest felt tight. Your breathing was rushed. 

The rain gave way to hailstones, clattering against the truck, and the sky above took on a sickening green hue. 

Sirens began to wail, a haunting sound that made you want to cover your ears. You hadn’t heard those sirens in so long. Hearing them now transported you back to the day you’d lost your dearest friends. 

You could hear Rhett speaking your name, but he sounded so distant. You were too busy staring at the sky. And then the hail stopped, and aside from the sirens, the outside world was deafeningly quiet. 

You thought your terror was going to swallow you whole. 

“Talk to me!” Rhett finally exclaimed, grabbing your arm, pulling your attention to him. His eyes were wide, searching your face. 

But before you could speak, a loud roar drowned out any possible conversation. You turned back to the window, and you saw it. A funnel protruding from the sky. 

A twister had touched down. 

Rhett stomped on the gas, headed east, trying to get ahead of the twister so the trailer could be put in place. You were frozen, staring up at the phenomenon, body cold with fright. 

“I need you t’ stay with me, you hear?! You gotta keep an eye on it, I need to know where to drop the trailer!” He called out to you. 

“O-okay!” You managed to shout back. 

The truck moved faster and faster as Rhett fought to stay on track. You wanted to guide him. To communicate with him and tell him exactly what to do, where to go. But you couldn’t. The words wouldn’t come. All you could see was that tornado, coming right at you. This was how your friends had died. Staring into the face of this vicious funnel. 

Was this how you were going to die?

“Rhett.”

“Am I at a good distance?!” 

Had he even heard you? “Stop.”

“Talk to me! Can I drop the trailer now?!”

“STOP!” 

Rhett glanced at you and he saw the distress on your face. He knew what he had to do. “Shit,” he swore. He gripped the steering wheel, knuckles turning white as he made a split second decision and violently yanked the wheel to the left, veering off the road and into the cornfield on the other side. 

He nearly lost control as the truck careened forward several miles, jostled against the uneven earth. You thrust your hands against the dashboard, fighting to hold yourself steady. The iPad in your lap went tumbling to the floor. 

“Rhett! What’s going on?!” Jeslyn shouted over the radio. 

He was too busy trying not to overturn the entire truck. When he slammed on the brakes, the force sent the entire trailer of nitrogen tanks on its side, snapping the hitch right off. 

Your fight or flight response kicked in, and in a desperate attempt to escape the situation, you threw your door open, unable to spend another minute in the claustrophobic truck cab. Rhett yelled your name, but you didn’t hear him over the roar of the wind. 

As soon as your feet hit the ground, you were running, eyes searching for a ditch or any sort of shelter. The wind whipped around you, its force pushing you along. You couldn’t see the twister over the high stalks of corn, but you didn’t need to see it to feel it.

Raw power, so overwhelming it took your breath away.

And then, all of a sudden, something solid collided with your back, and a pair of arms cinched around your waist. “Are you insane, girl?! Gon’ get yourself killed!” Rhett yelled over the storm.

You let out a shriek of surprise as he wrangled you to the ground, his body on top of yours, shielding you from the danger. 

And then, all at once, everything went silent. You heard the sound of crying. It took you a moment to realize the sound was coming from you.

“Hey, hey, I’m here, I’ve got ya,” Rhett’s voice was in your ear, breathless and gruff. He moved to sit on the ground, pulling you up with him, tugging your body against his chest. You buried your face against the side of his neck and sobbed.

He held you tight, listening to you cry. The residual breeze from the storm blew through his hair. He’d lost his hat when he jumped out of the truck and ran after you, he realized. But that didn’t matter now. The danger was gone, but you were falling apart. 

He should have known this was a bad idea. But you’d insisted you could handle it. And now he was cradling you in his arms as your tears soaked into the collar of his shirt. He remembered so vividly holding you this way when Perry, Rebecca, and Lydia had been killed. He was hit with a deeply rooted pain, blossoming through his chest as he relived the memory.

It still hurt just as badly as the day it happened. And here he thought he’d buried that grief long ago. It had been there all along, just waiting to rear its ugly head.

“It’s gon’ be okay,” he whispered against the top of your head. “I’m right here, you’re safe, nothin’ is gonna hurt you. Not while I’m here.” 

You lifted your head to wail out, “I-I ruined it! I should have ne– never come!”

“No, darlin’. Y’ didn’t ruin anythin’,” he tried to reason.

“A-all of Zara’s hard work! It’s messed up because of me!” You were spiraling, filled with regret. This had been such a colossal mistake. 

At that moment, voices could be heard in the distance. Rhett lifted his head, listening. He could hear his name and yours being called. Thank god the rest of the team was alright.

“Found ‘em!” It was Danny’s voice, full of panic as he burst through the wall of cornstalks, eyes wide. “Holy shit, are you guys alright?!” He slid to a halt, lowering to his knees beside you both.

Behind him, Finn, Zara, and Jeslyn all appeared, looking just as disheveled and frightened. 

“Oh my god, what happened?!” Zara exclaimed. She eyed your trembling form, crying into Rhett’s shoulder, and her face softened.

Rhett caught her gaze. The two shared unspoken communication. She knew what he was trying to convey with just his face. You hadn’t been ready for this.

You managed to bring yourself to look into Zara’s face, tears streaking down your cheeks. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have come with you guys.”

“Hey, no, don’t apologize,” she said, reaching out to touch your shoulder. “You’re safe, that’s what matters.”

You shook your head, wiping your cheeks with the back of your hand. “No, I…I ruined everything, I’m so sorry.”

Finn and Danny stepped away to check on the equipment, while Zara and Jeslyn remained with you and Rhett.��

“No, honey. You didn’t ruin everything. Trust me, those tanks are fine,” Jeslyn assured you. Her eyes were kind, and her voice was gentle. 

Thunder boomed overhead again, and you jumped, pressing yourself even closer to Rhett. He held you just a little tighter. You were safe with him. He would make sure of that.

“Everything looks alright!” The sound of Finn’s voice carried over the field as he and Danny jogged back over. “The hitch snapped, but we can fix it. I figure Rhett can weld it back on since it’s his truck and all.”

“Yeah, it ain’t a big deal to fix,” Rhett replied. 

“Tanks are okay too, they even stayed in the trailer, nothing fell out.” Finn looked at you, making sure to catch your eye. “No harm, no foul.”

“It was a quick twister anyway, not even that big. We probably wouldn’t have been able to get the tanks open fast enough as it was, so it really isn’t a big deal that we didn’t get ‘em into position. Don’t beat yourself up,” came Zara’s words. 

Sniffling, you managed a nod. You were deeply grateful for everyone’s kindness and understanding. You still felt terrible, however. Part of you felt like a scared little child, and you hated it. You were angry at yourself for being unable to handle it. 

“So what’s the plan now? We gotta get those tanks back to Rhett’s place, plus it’s gonna downpour any minute, so we should probably work fast,” you heard Danny say. “There could end up being another twister in the area if the storm keeps at it.”

As the girls and guys put together a plan, you tried to calm yourself down. Rhett hadn’t let you go yet, choosing to remain on the ground with you curled safely against him.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, for what felt like the hundredth time.

“Hey, look at me.”

You brought your eyes to his. The blue was so intense, it nearly took your breath away. 

“Don’t go sayin’ you’re sorry. You got nothin’ to be sorry for.”

“I just kept thinking about that day, and I…I froze,” you whispered, throat tight with a knot of emotion. “I was so stupid to think I could do it.”

“At least you tried, alright? That’s what matters. Nobody expects you t’ just jump right back into it after all these years.”

“I know, I just–”

“No, don’t you start spiralin’ on me, y’hear? Stop beatin’ yourself up about it. Nobody got hurt, and that’s what we all care about at the end of the day. When it comes down to it, if I’ve gotta choose between makin’ sure you’re safe, or stoppin’ a twister, I’m gonna choose you every damn time.”

His words made your chest grow warm, and your bottom lip quivered. He hadn’t changed in all this time. He was just as caring as ever. 

When you threw your arms around his neck to hug him, he hugged you right back, rocking you from side to side before he finally released you. Cool drops of rain began to fall from the sky, interrupting your moment.

Quickly, Rhett stood, reaching for your hand to pull you to your feet. “C’mon, let’s get to the truck.” With his hand still wrapped around yours, he pulled you along, and you ran back through the field to the place where he’d stopped the truck.

When you reached the old Sierra, the team was just finishing putting all the nitrogen tanks in the back of the truck. It appeared that Danny and Finn had managed to jury-rig the trailer so that Rhett could get it back home.

Hurriedly, Rhett guided you into the truck in an effort to shield you from the rain, slamming the door shut and stopping only for a moment to talk to the guys before they parted ways. He jumped into the driver’s seat and started the engine, maneuvering through the field and back out onto the main road. 

The drive back home was silent, save for the sound of rain pounding against the roof of the truck. You stared out the window, still upset at the way you had reacted. 

“You don’t have to hold up your end of the deal now, since I couldn’t hold up mine,” you finally told Rhett, referring to the promise he’d made to ride in the rodeo that weekend.

But he shook his head. “Nah, you still did, even if ya didn’t hold out for the whole thing. If you had to face somethin’ that scares you, it’s only fair that I do it too. I’m gonna get on a bull this weekend, because that’s what I said I’d do.”

You let out a breath. “Well, I’ll be in the stands cheering you on then.”

“Jus’ like old times, huh?”

“Yeah…like old times.”

You were choosing not to dwell on the fact that during ‘old times’1, you’d felt his blood seep through your fingers as you fought to keep him alive after that bull had driven a horn into his stomach. That was a freak occurrence. It wouldn’t happen this time around.

At least, that’s what you hoped.

Later that morning, you arrived back on the Abbott farm, feeling weary from the adrenaline crash, as well as the lack of sleep from the night before. Once Rhett stopped in the driveway, you stumbled out of the truck and onto the red dirt. 

The sky was gray, indicating that the storm was following you, and would surely dump buckets of rain on the property. It seemed to have calmed down, so it didn’t appear as if it would turn into anything serious. You knew your poor nerves could not handle another twister that day.

The team converged as you headed toward the porch, but you paused when you heard Danny speaking to Rhett. He was trying to keep his voice low so you wouldn’t hear, but you caught it anyway. “There’s more damage than we thought. Specifically to the wiring on the trailer. It’s gonna take longer to fix,” he explained.

You felt an aching pang in your chest. This was all your fault.

You didn’t stick around to hear what Rhett had to say. You simply trudged up the porch steps and into the house. You just wanted to be alone, but to your dismay, Cecilia was in the home office, which had a full view of the entryway you were currently in.

She saw the bleak look on your face, and she immediately rose from her seat at the desk. “Honey, what happened?”

Her concern was what broke you. Instantly, more tears welled up in your eyes, and your shoulders shook as a sob left your throat. Without hesitation, she came to your aid, wrapping her arms around you. “Hey now, you’re gonna be just fine.”

You didn’t believe that.

When Rhett stepped into the house, he took in the sight of his mother comforting you, and he spared her a saddened glance. She nodded in understanding, though no words were shared between the two of them. He headed into the kitchen to pour himself a cup of coffee, deciding it best to give you space.

A few minutes later, after you finally excused yourself to head upstairs and get some rest, Cecilia joined her son in the kitchen.

Rhett stood at the sink, idly stirring his coffee as he stared out into the water-washed scene unfolding outside the kitchen window. “She wasn’t ready, Mom,” he murmured.

“I can see that,” she replied. “What happened out there? Radio said a twister touched down.”

“It did. We were tryin’ to get in range so we could drop the tanks. But as soon as it touched down she started panicking. Like full-on hyperventilatin’. I had to swerve off the road and as soon as I stopped, she jumped out. Scared me to death. Thought the twister was gonna take her from me.”

Saying those words sent his heart quickening in his chest. He had to face the fact that he still cared so deeply for you, and couldn’t stomach the thought of losing you.

“Glad you both made it outta there safely,” Cecilia murmured, moving to pour herself her second cup of coffee for the day. “Just give her time, Rhett.”

“I will,” he agreed. He downed the rest of the bitter liquid in his mug before he set the ceramic in the sink. “Gon’ go out and fix some of the stuff that got damaged in the twister. We won’t be goin’ out again for a bit, not ‘til we get everythin’ up and runnin’ again.”

He said this to give his mother peace of mind. He knew how much she worried whenever he went out on a chase. The fear of losing her boy was a very real one. 

Meanwhile, you were curled up in bed, curtains drawn, swathing the room in darkness. You hoped you would be able to get some sleep, but you were wide awake, mind racing a mile a minute. So, instead of wallowing in self-pity, you forced yourself to get up. Might as well busy yourself to get your mind off of things.

You decided to head to your great-aunt’s house to continue your cleaning project. As you ambled outside, you caught sight of Rhett, Danny, and Finn in the barn, working on getting the trailer repaired. Grimacing, you averted your eyes and instead climbed into your car.

For the next few days, you avoided Rhett, because you felt so terrible about the entire debacle. But there was never any judgment in his eyes when he looked upon you. He truly did not blame you for what had happened.

In the end, he was the one who came to you, unable to deal with your withdrawn demeanor. He approached you one morning as you were getting ready to leave.

“Hey, I, uh, was wonderin’...I know you’ve got a lot of stuff to haul outta your aunt’s house. Want some help? I can bring my truck.”

You began to protest. “Oh, you don’t have to do that.”

“I want to,” he insisted. “Y’ shouldn’t have to do it all by yourself.”

He looked so earnest, his eyes pleading, his mouth curved into a hopeful smile. How could you say no to him? “Okay, sure. Why not?”

He tried not to appear too eager, but it was written all over his face. “Alrighty, I’ll bring the truck ‘round!”

That was how you found yourself in the passenger seat of the Sierra again, happy that you were headed somewhere that didn’t involve a raging storm that could potentially kill you both. 

When you arrived at the house, you led Rhett up to the porch, where you stopped to retrieve the spare key from beneath the welcome mat. 

“Some things never change,” he murmured upon seeing you locate the key. “She always kept that key there, didn’t she?”

You smiled as you unlocked the door. “She did.”

As you stepped into the house, Rhett paused in the entryway to glance around. A lot had changed since you’d arrived. Many things were packed away in boxes. But it still held a nostalgic feel. 

“Remember when she’d let us crash here in between chases?” He asked.

How could you forget? “Do I ever. Those were the days.”

You remembered so vividly, curling up in sleeping bags around the living room floor, too excited to sleep, knowing a storm cell could be developing at any moment. Oh, to be young and naive again, endowed with a feeling of invincibility. 

“So…weather analyzin’. How’s that treatin’ ya?” Rhett continued in an effort to kill any awkward silence.

You shrugged as you set about organizing the kitchen, motioning for him to get involved. “Pretty well. I actually really like it.”

“Yeah? Must be a lot cushier than facin’ the storms head-on. At least you got a screen separatin’ you from all the destruction.”

“Yep. It’s a lot safer, that’s for sure.”

“How’s livin’ in Silver Spring?”

“I can say we don’t get many twisters. Which I’m happy about.”

“Guess that’s a plus,” came his response.

You opened up the pantry, preparing to sort through all the food that remained there. “Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot,” Rhett said as he grabbed the box of garbage bags you silently pointed to. 

You continued speaking as he placed the box in your hand.  “How’d you meet Zara and all them? They all went to OU together. You’re the odd man out.”

He smirked. “What, think a dumb hick like me can’t hang around educated folk?”

You rolled your eyes as you opened one of the garbage bags. “You know that’s not what I meant.”

“I know, I know,” he assured you. “Actually, Zara heard about us. She read the news stories about what happened. She got a hold of me a couple years ago and started askin’ questions. Wanted to see if I’d like to get involved with her project. So I said, why the hell not? She introduced me to her team and had me come to OU to see how their setup worked.”

“You got to see it in action?” You were intrigued.

“Yeah. Jeslyn’s pretty fuckin’ brilliant when it comes to building things. She and Danny and Finn are the ones that put together a machine that can simulate a twister. Zara used a tank of nitrogen to stop the twister. Obviously it ain’t the same as the real thing, but I thought it was pretty damn cool. Figured I didn’t have much to lose, so I teamed up with ‘em, and we’ve been workin’ together ever since.”

“Have you guys been testing out the nitrogen stuff for very long?”

“It ain’t been field tested, if that’s what you mean. We’re tryin’ to see if it works on an actual twister first. After that, Zara wants to get a grant so she can start testin’ on a larger scale. Plus, Danny and Finn are workin’ on this new radar equipment, once it’s ready we’re gonna take it out on a chase with us. The idea is that it’ll help us track storm cells better, and hopefully let us know what we’re up against faster.”

“Huh, I didn’t know they were working on that,” you mused, intrigued. 

“Yeah, they’ve been puttin’ it together for months now. I think they don’t wanna jinx it, so they haven’t said anything. But Finn just told me the other day that it’ll probably be ready for the next chase we go on.”

“Wow. They’re all weather geniuses.” Knowing they were doing so much sent a pang of deep longing through your chest. 

Part of you wished you were doing more than sitting behind a screen at work, watching the weather ravage the country, unable to do anything more but issue warnings and hope for the best. If only you had the guts to actually get out there and take action against the phenomenon that had taken your friends from you.

“They sure are,” Rhett agreed. “Sometimes I feel pretty damn inadequate because I’m just a farm boy from Oklahoma. But they still wanna hang with the likes of me, for whatever reason.”

“Because you’re pretty great,” you heard yourself say. You hadn’t meant to speak it aloud.

His gaze lingered on you for a moment before he smiled a crooked smile, the apples of his cheeks rounding. 

In an effort to change the subject, you cleared your throat and asked, “Did anyone talk to Beau about you riding this weekend? After what happened on Monday I, uh, was so frazzled that I forgot to track him down.”

“Zara talked to him. Said she wasn’t gonna let me get out of it so easy. So, I’m on track to ride after the rest of the contestants. Beau said it was gon’ be an honorary thing, ‘cause apparently it’s been ten years on the dot since I rode last.”

Ten years. Had it really been that long? So much had happened since then, it felt like both a lifetime and no time at all had passed. 

“Are you nervous?” You questioned.

He shrugged, suddenly finding an old box of crackers very interesting, avoiding your gaze. “Kinda.”

He was scared to death, you realized. You could see it in his eyes. But he was pushing himself to do this. At this point, it wasn’t just because he’d made a deal with you. It was because he wanted to prove to himself that he could do it. That he could face his fears and come out on the other side. Perhaps not unscathed, but a better person because of it.

“You’re gonna do great,” you assured him, offering a vote of confidence.

“Sure hope so.”

The rest of the morning carried on with quiet conversation as you worked to clear out the kitchen. A few hours later, you were feeling accomplished, and hungry. So Rhett offered to take you to the diner in town for lunch.

That was how you found yourself sitting in a booth across from him, a spread of food between you both. You reminisced about the past, talking about times before everything had fallen apart. Good memories that you could both share laughter over. 

You found yourself gazing at Rhett, at his easy smile and his sparkling eyes, illuminated by the early afternoon light shining through the windows, and you were transported back to a time when you were so in love with him. A time when you promised him you would be his forever. 

“You listenin’?” His voice, low and velvety, pulled you back to reality.

“I…I’m sorry, I was distracted,” you sheepishly replied.

He looked at you, brow pulling together, as if he knew you’d been admiring him. But he didn’t acknowledge it. “I was askin’ if you wanted to get outta here and head back to the farm.”

“Oh, um, sure. Yeah, let’s get back.”

With that, he opened his wallet and pulled out some cash for a tip before he stood to his feet. You followed suit, and once he’d paid for the meal, you made your way back out to the truck. Things were comfortable between the two of you again. The events that had happened earlier that week during the chase faded into the background, nothing more than a memory. 

You were glad you had agreed to let him come and help you. It had cleared the air and made way for your friendship to continue blossoming, slowly repairing after so much time apart. 

The rest of the week went by in a breeze. You kept busy with working in your aunt’s house, allowing Rhett to tag along when he had the chance to. When he wasn’t with you, he was working alongside his father on the farm, or he was repairing the trailer so it could be reattached to the hitch on his truck.

Strangely enough, the weather had calmed down, despite it being storm season. There had been some rain showers here and there, but no storms, and no twisters, either. You were glad, because you weren’t sure if your poor nerves could handle another storm that week.

You were glad for the lighthearted distraction of going to the rodeo. You hadn’t been to one in such a long time. You were looking forward to all the sights and sounds. Aside from Rhett’s near fatal injury, you had nothing but good memories of attending rodeos. 

You couldn’t help but catch on to the joy emanating from Amy at the prospect of watching her uncle ride a bull. She was over the moon about it. She had never seen him ride before, as she hadn’t even been born yet when he was still competing. All she knew about that time of his life was through the stories that he and her grandparents had told her.

“Hey! You wanna help me make a sign for uncle Rhett?” The girl asked you as you came downstairs that Saturday morning. 

You could see that she had all of her supplies ready, spread out across her grandmother’s office floor. An assortment of colored markers, glitter glue, paint, and poster board. You couldn’t help but smile at her eagerness. 

“Sure! Let me get a cup of coffee and I’ll come help,” you told her.

Her eyes went wide with excitement and she bounced on the balls of her feet. “Yay! Okay, I’ll be in here waiting for you!” She said, scurrying into the office.

Her childlike wonder warmed your heart. You were happy you’d agreed to stay at the Abbotts, if only for the whimsy Amy brought to the experience. Her personality was almost too big for her small body. It was clear that she was the greatest joy in both her grandparent's and Rhett’s lives. 

You were more than happy to help her make a sign for the rodeo. After you poured yourself a cup of coffee, you settled on the hardwood floor of the office, right beside Amy. She handed you different supplies and even allowed you to write the words she wanted to say on the poster board. 

“You write better than me, so I want you to do it. I want the words to be really big, so Uncle Rhett can see ‘em!” She explained. 

“Okay, what do you want me to write?”

“I was thinking ‘you got this Uncle Rhett!’”

“I like it!”

You settled into the carefree fun of making a glittery rodeo sign, enjoying Amy’s creative little touches here and there as she added stickers and designs. 

Halfway through, the screen door squealed open, and Amy jumped up in a panic when she realized it was Rhett. 

“What’re you gals up to?” He asked as he strolled into the house. 

“Don’t come in here!” Amy cried, rushing to push him away. “We’re workin’ on a top secret surprise!”

His brows shot up, and he stole a glance at you, currently holding the poster board at an angle so he couldn’t see what it said. “Oh yeah? You in cahoots with my niece now?” He asked you, smile playing on his lips. 

“Maybe,” came your playful response. “Don’t go spoiling your surprise now. We’ll let you see it later.”

His eyes twinkled with mischief. “Alright, alright. I’m goin’,” he said as he held his hands up in surrender. 

You kept the sign hidden until you knew for certain he’d gone upstairs. Amy bounded back over to you, pretending to wipe sweat from her brow as she exclaimed, “Whew! That was close.”

“Let’s hurry and finish it so we can hide it until later,” you suggested, voice hushed and playfully urgent. 

The girl agreed, and you both set to work, hurriedly finishing up the sign. Once you were done, you put it in an inconspicuous place, hidden away from Rhett’s prying eyes. As you helped Amy put all her art supplies away, you were struck with a warm feeling, blossoming through your chest. Here you were, making signs to cheer Rhett on, anticipating his ride later that night, just like you used to not too long ago.

You were always his biggest fan at the rodeo, that was for certain. You’d made many a sign in your day, with his name scrawled across the poster board, decorated with curlicues and glitter. You never thought it was something you’d be doing again. Oh, how things had changed. In the short time that you’d been here, your fondness for Rhett had returned. You supposed it had never left, to begin with. It had just been lying dormant for six years.

You should have known the blue-eyed cowboy would win you over again. You never could resist him.

Later on that day, as evening time approached, the excitement was palpable. Amy was bubbling with it, and it was rubbing off on everyone else. Zara, Jeslyn, Finn, and Danny arrived at the house to wish Rhett good luck before his ride. 

Cecilia was fretting, making sure Royal and Amy were ready, never one to be late to anything. Royal was amused at her behavior, and you caught him smiling fondly at her, a glimmer in his eyes. He, too, was eager to see his son ride, he just had a much different way of showing it.

He never could fully accept that Rhett had walked away from riding. In fact, there had been a time when he was even disappointed in the boy for doing so.

Royal himself had once been on top of his game as a bull rider, when he was but a young man. He had suffered many injuries during his time in the riding circuit, but he’d always gotten back on the bull. He had chastised Rhett for quitting, and although he never said it, part of him felt that his son was too soft. He needed to toughen up and get back in the ring.

It had been a point of contention between father and son, but they had since moved past it. However, now that Rhett was getting on the back of a bull again, Royal was very pleased. He might even go as far as to admit that he was proud. 

Rhett, on the other hand, was riddled with anxiety. He remembered so clearly the way he used to feel before a ride. It was as if electricity was thrumming through his veins, driving his every movement. It was deliciously exhilarating. But now, all he felt was fear. 

He kept replaying the night of his injury. It was just a freak incident. It wouldn’t happen again. But there was still the question of “what if?” in the back of his mind. He didn’t remember the pain he felt when it happened. He’d been too hyped up on adrenaline. It was almost an out-of-body experience. As if he wasn’t the one being gored by a bull. That was someone else. Another unlucky rider.

Even as he stumbled backward, his body colliding with the sand beneath him, it wasn’t real. It was a dream. A figment of his imagination. Until he was being dragged to safety and you were above him, voice filled with terror as you begged him to stay with you. That was when reality hit him like a ton of bricks, and the pain began to radiate throughout his entire body.

But that was then. This was now. Things were different. He’d long since healed from his injury, though its scar remained, a constant reminder of what he had endured. But after losing his brother and sister-in-law, along with one of his dearest friends, he had learned that oftentimes, the pain of grief was far worse than any sort of physical pain. 

If he had been able to survive the agony of loss, then he could survive a brief ride on an angry bull.

Having the people he loved most there to cheer him on made it a little easier to stomach the thought of riding. But most of all, having you there was the most wonderful part.

“You’re gonna do great. We’ll all be cheering you on the whole time,” you assured him, voice soft, as you shared a moment alone. 

He mustered a smile, humming lowly. “Y’really think I can do it?”

“I know you can.”

Your vote of confidence meant the world to him. It was his driving force as he climbed into his truck and headed to the rodeo grounds. He was going to be just fine.

Later that night, you were all arriving at the rodeo, spirits high as you all climbed out of your respective vehicles. You’d ridden with Royal, Cecilia, and Amy in the beat up old Ranger that had been in the family for years.

As soon as you climbed out of the truck, Amy was pulling you along, talking a mile a minute. “C’mon! We have to get some kettle corn before it starts!” She urged. She waved the rest of the group along.

You all found yourselves in line for the aforementioned kettle corn. The different food smells transported you to rodeos past, and the pressing weight of nostalgia took your breath away. 

“How you doing?” Came the voice of Zara, who stood behind you in line.

You turned, offering her a smile. “I’m okay! Kinda nervous for Rhett, but I know he’ll do great.”

She nodded in agreement. “Oh yeah, he’ll be just fine. I’ve never seen him ride before, so I can’t wait! He tells us all stories sometimes about his riding days. It’ll be cool to finally see him in action.”

“He was awesome,” you told her, “really, he had such a knack for it. I’m glad he’s getting back out there, even if it’s only for one night.”

“Yeah. It’s brave of him, I think. Facing his fears and all that.”

“It is.” Or maybe it was foolish. Either way, it was happening, and you were going to support him if it was the last thing you did.

Once everyone had their own respective snacks, you all followed Royal and Cecilia up to the stands. The voices of those around you overlapped. Fragments of conversations. Old friends catching up. Church ladies gossiping. Young girls giggling over the cute cowboys who would be riding that night. 

You took your seat, eyes flickering across the ring, searching for any sign of Rhett behind the gates. Your belly was fluttering with butterflies. Your heart was racing. Your palms were sweaty. When it came time to stand for the National Anthem, you could hardly sing along, voice coming out shaky and breathless. 

The late spring air was cool against your heated skin, but you hardly noticed it, hand swiping at your forehead where perspiration had begun to form. As you sat back down after the anthem, you felt Cecilia’s hand on your arm.

She shot you a reassuring smile, but you could see the wariness in her eyes. She was worried, too. “He’ll be fine,” she said, more so to convince herself.

You nodded. “Yeah, he will be.”

Then the announcer’s voice came over the loudspeaker. “Good evenin’, Amelia County! We’ve got a fantastic lineup for y’all tonight!” He began listing the names of the boys who would be riding in the circuit. “We’re changin’ things up a little with an honorary ride. Want you to give a warm welcome to Rhett Abbott, Wabang native, who used to ride regularly in our rodeos! He’ll be closin’ out the circuit for us tonight with a final ride. So sit back, relax, and get ready to cheer on our riders! Let the fun begin!”

His choice of words was amusing. Watching bull riding was the least relaxing thing out there.

“We have to wait for everyone to go before we can even see him ride?” Amy complained.

You were inclined to agree with her dismay. Your anxiety was only going to increase as time passed. You knew you wouldn’t be able to focus on any other riders because you would be too busy thinking about him.

With each contestant that was called up, your anticipation mounted. You tuned out the rest of the crowd. All the voices, all the sounds, the reverberation of the loudspeakers. None of it mattered. 

You used to be behind those gates, when you were working in the first aid tent. You’d witnessed Rhett’s pre-ride jitters more times than you could count. He would often seek you out for comfort. He loved when you’d come up to him and wrap your arms around his middle, resting your head against his back. It would always ground him. 

He didn’t have that now. He was behind those gates by himself. Part of you wished you were back there with him, but you quickly pushed that thought aside. He was a grown man, he could handle it alone. 

You instead tried your best to focus on each rider, attempting to enjoy the rodeo. 

Subconsciously, you were counting down the minutes until Rhett’s ride. 

Much to your relief, it all went by quickly, and before you even realized it, it was time for him to come out. Beside you, Amy jumped to her feet and held up her sign, hoping to get his attention as he climbed into the chute. You leaned forward in your seat, and at that very moment, he lifted his head, and locked eyes with you.

You gave him a reassuring smile, placing your hand over your heart. He nodded, and then bowed his head. Sitting atop a creature teeming with virile energy sent his pulse pounding in his ears.

He was surrounded by handlers, all making sure he was securely in place. Some of these guys he’d known his entire life. A few had even worked alongside him when he was still riding regularly. 

“Y’ready, son?” One of them asked. Jason McGowan.

Rhett let out a breath, shifting his gaze straight ahead. His gloved hand was wrapped securely in the rope beneath him, keeping him in place. The animal he was seated upon shifted, snorting loudly, growing antsy and impatient.

“As I’ll ever be,” Rhett murmured. His chest felt tight. His thighs were trembling. Was he even strong enough to hold on for this? Could he really do it?

He counted down in his head. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Then he nodded, and in a split second, the chute burst open, and he was lurching forward as the bull jumped out into the ring. The beast writhed and roared beneath him, bucking furiously, tossing him about like a rag doll.

In the stands, you shot to your feet, holding your breath as you stared at Rhett. Come on, come on, come on. He held on for dear life, free arm in the air. The clock was ticking, but you never dared to glance at it. You would not take your eyes off of him. 

Cecilia grabbed your arm again. You held tightly to her, both of you watching your boy, silently praying for him to succeed.

Just a little longer. You can do it. 

And then he let go. His body sailed through the air, and he hit the dirt, but he kept running, stumbling away from the raging animal as a pair of rodeo clowns directed the bull’s attention elsewhere. 

Rhett straightened, shoulders squared as his eyes flickered up to the large screen to see his time. His name soared to the top of the scoreboard. 

He had the best time of the night.

Around him, the crowd went wild. But he didn’t care about any of them. Frantically, he searched for you, electric blue filled with pride and shock all at once. He finally saw you, cheering for him at the top of your lungs, screaming his name from the stands. He swore he could hear you. Over everyone, there was your voice, praising him, calling for him.

His cheeks were wet, and he realized there were tears pouring down his face.

But he was grinning, teeth flashing white, beaming in the golden light cast upon him. 

I did it. I fuckin’ did it.

He wasn’t sure when his legs started moving, but before he knew it, he was running, boots kicking up sand as he threw himself over the barricade separating the stands from the ring. He took the steps two at a time, making a beeline for you.

Your beautiful face was full of adoration, and the moment you saw him coming at you, you pushed your way through the crowd, nearly tripping over your own feet as you rushed to meet him. You heard whistles and cheers around you, friends and strangers alike urging you both on.

As soon as you reached each other, he was throwing his arms around your waist, crushing you to him. You laughed musically, despite the tears that were running from your eyes. You held him tightly, one hand coming up to cradle the back of his head.

“I did it,” he whispered in your ear. Then he laughed. “I did it, honeybee!”

You pulled back to gaze into his beautiful face. Honeybee. Oh, how you’d missed that nickname. “You did, Rhett,” you echoed. “I’m so proud of you.”

He lingered, shining eyes locked with your own. The surrounding activity faded into the background, and it felt as if you were the only two people in the entire world. You were suddenly very aware of the warmth of his body against yours. The feeling of his chest heaving in time with his breaths. The beating of his heart. If only for a moment, you were transported back to a time when you were so in love. 

It hit you like a punch to the gut, stealing all the oxygen from your lungs in one fell swoop.

Oh my god, I’m still in love with him. 

You let go of him as if you’d been stung, and before he could react, he was flooded with congratulatory hugs and pats on the back. You faded into the background and watched him receive showers of attention. But you were reeling, trying to process the emotions swirling through you, much like the tornadoes you used to chase. 

What were you going to do with this knowledge? You supposed it had always been there. From the moment you saw him when you returned to Wabang, the feelings that had been dormant for six years were brought back to the surface. 

You were supposed to have moved on. But the truth was, you never had. 

You couldn’t do anything about it. It felt like the worst possible time to realize you loved him. You had a job and a life back in Maryland. You couldn’t make a relationship work with him, even if you wanted to. 

It was no surprise that you found yourself in the parking lot, wanting to be away from the crowd. Wanting space. If you’d driven yourself to the rodeo, you would already be leaving. But you were dependent on other people to get you back to the Abbott's. And you certainly weren’t about to walk back by yourself. 

Instead, you found yourself leaning against Royal’s truck, your mind moving a million miles a minute. Why couldn’t you just move on? You’d had plenty of time to do so. What was it about Rhett that rendered you unable to let him go? 

He was your first love. Your only love. You had tried dating other people, but nothing had worked out. You always chalked it up to you having high standards, but you realized that perhaps all this time, it had never worked with other people because you were still in love with Rhett. 

What a predicament to be in. 

You were still reeling slightly by the time the rodeo was over. It wasn’t long until you heard the sound of familiar voices. Amy’s voice rang out over the parking lot as she praised her uncle. 

“You were so awesome! I knew you would be! You looked so cool on top of that bull!” She rambled on. 

Rhett was grinning, face flushed, as he tugged Amy into his side for a hug. “Thank y’, Ames,” he murmured, leaning down to kiss the top of her head.

“The kid’s right, you knocked it outta the park, man,” you heard Danny say as he clapped Rhett on the back. Everyone else chimed in with their own two cents. 

You pushed yourself off of the truck and came into the light, integrating yourself back into the group. You wondered if any of them had noticed your absence.

“I think we should go out for ice cream to celebrate,” Finn suggested, at which Amy turned to her grandmother with wide, pleading eyes.

“Please, Gramma, can we?!” She begged, folding her hands beneath her chin.

Cecilia relented, a smile on her face as she leaned over and patted Rhett’s back. “Since it’s not a school night, why not?”

As Amy clapped in excitement, Rhett lifted his head, and he caught you looking at him. You held his gaze. His eyes narrowed slightly, and he opened his mouth, as if to say something, but his attention was pulled away again by the sudden weight of Royal’s hand on his back.

A wordless “I’m proud of you, son.”

Rhett didn’t get to speak to you until after you’d all settled in at Marigold’s Ice Cream Parlor. After everyone had ordered their respective ice creams and milkshakes, and you stood nearby with two scoops of chocolate in a small cup, he approached you.

He had a cone of rocky road, his all-time favorite ice cream flavor. “Hey there,” he murmured, speaking lowly. He’d taken his hat off and left it in the truck, and he now sported a head of hat hair. 

“Hi,” you answered. You suddenly felt like a pair of shy teenagers.

“Are y’alright?”

“I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?” You didn’t mean to sound defensive, but that was how it came out.

Rhett shrugged, licking at his ice cream. “I dunno, you ran off after my ride. You looked kinda panicked. Just thought I’d check on ya and make sure you were alright.”

Should you tell him? Would it be foolish to do so? “Well, I…”

“Hey Rhett, c’mere!” Jeslyn’s voice suddenly sounded across the parlor, cutting you off, and he glanced over. She was waving at him, encouraging him to hurry.

“One sec!” He responded before he turned back to you, expectant.

“Sorry…sorry, yeah, I’m totally fine. The crowd was just a lot.”

You could tell he didn’t quite believe you. “Okay. Just, uh, just wanted to make sure.” He offered an endearing smile, and your heart clenched in your chest. “Anyway, you wan’ come join us?”

You nodded and followed him to the table where everyone was seated. You found yourself sitting between him and Danny, and if only for a little while, you pushed aside all the stressors and uncertainties and allowed yourself to melt into the lighthearted atmosphere created around that table in the little family-owned ice cream parlor.

You found yourself laughing along with Rhett’s family and friends, listening to stories and anecdotes, sitting through Amy’s dramatic retelling of an anime she’d watched. You realized that you felt like you belonged here. As if this was where you were always meant to be. Your story was supposed to intersect with the stories of those around you.

Your life was always supposed to intersect with Rhett’s.

No matter where you went, or how far you ran, he would always be part of you. He was ingrained in your bones. In the very cell makeup of your being. The red string of fate tied you together for all eternity. 

It was time you accepted that, and stopped trying to escape it.

So you chose not to fight it anymore. You let yourself care about him. Let yourself love him. And perhaps somewhere along the way, you would find it in yourself to tell him how you felt.

For now, you relished in the peace you felt with these people. And as you followed Royal, Cecilia, and Amy back out to the truck after your ice cream was long finished, you felt at ease for the first time in…well, as long as you could remember. 

Maybe everything was going to be okay after all.

That night, you found yourself in the kitchen, making yourself a cup of herbal tea to help relax your body, which was tense and sore from the events of the last several days. As you idly dipped the chamomile sachet in the mug full of hot water, you were alerted to the sound of the front door opening.

You turned to find Rhett stepping into the house. He’d come home around the same time you had, but he’d remained outside for a while, tinkering in the barn with the nitrogen trailer. It was completely repaired, and he was eager to get it back on the road for another chase soon.

As he toed his boots off quietly, he was made aware of your presence, and he offered you a sleepy smile. “Hey. Didn’t know anyone was still awake,” he murmured, socked feet padding against the floor as he walked into the kitchen.

“I couldn’t really sleep,” you replied, “figured I’d make some tea. Want some?”

He shook his head as he opened the fridge, leaning down to glance at its contents. “Naw. Ain’t a tea guy, remember?”

You couldn’t help but smile. Of course you remembered. The only tea he liked was sweet iced tea. Instead, he pulled a jug of milk from the fridge and poured himself a glass. You longed to occupy the silence, so you spoke.

“You were great tonight.”

He took a swig of milk and then gazed into his glass, swirling it in his hand. Then he looked at you, bashful smile on his face. “Thanks.”

“Think you’ll do it again?”

At that, he scoffed. “Hell no. I loved it, I gotta admit. But my arms and legs are so fuckin’ sore right now. I’m too old for it. My days of bull wranglin’ are over, that’s for damn sure.” He downed the rest of his milk before he set the glass in the sink. While he gazed out the window into the night, he continued. “Storm chasin’ is my calling now.”

You hummed softly, eyes falling to a random spot on the floor. You toed it with your slipper-clad foot. “For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you. I know it couldn’t have been easy.”

He turned to face you. “It wasn’t. But I’m glad I did it. Showed me I can face m’ fears and still come out stronger on the other side.”

“Yeah,” you quietly agreed. His words struck something in you. A strange ache in your chest. A yearning for something. 

He pushed away from the sink, how forehead crinkling as he raised his brows. “Welp, I’m gon’ jump in the shower and head to bed. See ya in the mornin’, girl.”

Before he could leave, you called out to him. “Rhett?”

He paused in the doorway of the kitchen, the orange glow of the counter lamp casting shadows over his handsome face. “Yeah?”

Your heart fluttered in your chest as you considered what you were about to say. “At the rodeo, after your ride, you, um, you called me honeybee.”

He hesitated, his body language stiffening slightly. “Oh, I did?” He brought a hand up to scratch the back of his neck. “Didn’t realize it.”

If the light had been brighter, you might’ve seen the tips of his ears turn pink. 

“What I’m trying to say is, I…I liked it.”

His sheepishness gave way into a small, crooked smile. “In that case, I meant t’say it then.” 

You couldn’t hide your own smile. “Reminds me of…” You trailed off. 

“Before. I know,” he agreed. 

You took a step forward. The words were on the tip of your tongue. The realization you’d come to when he held you in his arms after his ride. You could confess it to him. Tell him everything. 

“Uncle Rhett?” Suddenly, the small, tired voice of Amy cut through the tension in the air. 

The spell was broken. Rhett turned, seeking out the source of the voice. “What’s wrong, Ames?” He asked, moving to her aid. 

“I just need a glass of water.”

He stepped toward the staircase and held his hand out to her. “C’mon. Let’s get ya some water.”

He guided the girl into the kitchen, and you took that as your opportunity to sneak out while he tended to her. When he turned to look for you, you were gone. 

With your tea in hand, you crept up the stairs, careful not to spill any of the hot liquid as you went. When you made it to Rhett’s room, you set the cup down on the dresser and hurried to shut the door behind you. 

Letting out a breath, you closed your eyes. You had almost admitted everything to him right there in the middle of his kitchen. Part of you was glad for Amy’s interruption, while the other part was upset.

You knew your feelings would come out into the open sooner or later. 

But you also had some other things to consider now. More than just rekindling feelings for your first love. 

What Rhett said had struck you. Face your fears and come out stronger on the other side. 

You still had a deal to carry out, after all. If he could face years of trauma and fear and live to tell the tale, so could you.

You made your decision. You knew exactly what you needed to do. It was time to stop running from the danger, and instead, run toward it.

The next morning, you woke to the sun streaming in through the window. It was Sunday morning, which meant Cecilia would be rushing about, getting ready for church. You allowed yourself a few moments in bed, staring up at the ceiling, before you finally swung your legs over the edge and stretched.

You quickly readied yourself for the day, throwing on some clean clothes before you padded across the hall to brush your teeth. You could hear activity happening downstairs, and the smell of breakfast cooking reached your nose. 

Eager to join everyone, you finished your routine and then scurried down the squeaky old steps. In the kitchen, you found Rhett, Royal, and Amy all around the table as Cecilia flitted about the kitchen, finishing breakfast preparations.

Rhett saw you first, and his face broke into a smile, eyes glimmering in the golden sunlight that streamed in through the window over the sink. “G’mornin’,” he greeted.

Amy’s head popped up, and she grinned at the sight of you. “Oh, good! You’re up!” She exclaimed, rushing over to take your hand and usher you to the table. You giggled at her eagerness, and you didn’t miss the fact that she guided you to sit in the open chair next to Rhett.

“Mornin’, hon,” Cecilia called out as she stepped over to the table with a skillet full of bacon. “Get yourself a plate and have some breakfast! Was rushin’ this mornin’ so I forgot to set one out for you, I’m sorry.”

“I got it,” Rhett volunteered before you could even stand. He rose from his seat and retrieved a plate from the dishware cabinet.

“Thank you,” you told him, taking the plate from his outstretched hand and nodding to show your gratitude. His eyes lingered on your own before he took his seat beside you again.

“Are you guys in love?” Amy blurted from across the table. 

Rhett nearly choked on the sip of coffee he’d just taken. You hesitated, unsure of how to answer. Cecilia made a chastising sound, tapping her granddaughter’s shoulder in disapproval at the question. But you could see that even she was barely hiding a smile. Luckily for Royal, who was beside you, he could hide his own smile behind his coffee mug.

“What makes you ask that?” Was what you finally settled on as your reply, trying to sound nonchalant. You grabbed a biscuit from the bowl in the middle of the table, busying yourself with pulling the bread apart to be buttered.

“Gramma says you are.”

“Amy.”

“What?! You did say that.”

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean you should repeat it,” Cecilia scolded.

The girl huffed, shaking her head as she poked her fork at her scrambled eggs. “I just wanted to know.”

“Leave ‘em be, Amy,” Royal said, despite the amusement still on his features. He glanced at you. Even he knew the answer to the question Amy had asked. Thankfully, he’d saved you or Rhett the embarrassment of answering. You knew what you would have said, but were you ready to admit it out loud? Was Rhett?

Aside from the slightly awkward question from Amy, breakfast carried on without a hitch, but you were distracted, so many things heavy on your mind. Everything was about to change, you could feel it. Building in the distance, like an impending storm.

You volunteered to do the dishes to allow the rest of the family, sans Rhett, to get to church on time. Cecilia expressed her gratitude as she rushed Amy out the door, and soon, you were all alone in the house with Rhett.

“Y’alright? Got kinda quiet at breakfast,” he murmured as he helped you clear the table. 

Your heart skipped a beat. You turned, your eyes meeting his. “Yeah, I’m fine,” you assured him.

You stood there together at the kitchen sink, staring into each other’s faces.

“You sure?”

“Uh-huh.”

He leaned in closer. “Because if Amy’s question bothered you…”

He was so close you could smell his cologne. The proximity took your breath away. “Oh, um, it…it didn’t.”

“Good.” Did his gaze just flicker to your lips?

“Yeah. Good.”

He’d definitely looked at your lips. You caught him that time. A look of longing swirled in the deep blue, and you suddenly felt as if you were drowning, swallowed up in an ocean. Your chest went tight. You could barely breathe, and yet, you’d never felt more alive. 

“What would you ‘ve told her, if you answered her question?” He inquired.

I would tell her that I love you. I never stopped loving you. And I never will. 

“I…” 

You lost your train of thought, dizzy at his proximity, at his smell, at the sound of his hitched breaths. It was as if an invisible force was between you, pulling you toward each other. Your mouth parted, but no words came out. 

He was going to kiss you, and you were going to let him.

And then, as if the universe was playing a terribly cruel joke on you both, the sound of pounding on the door made you both jump apart as if you’d been struck by lightning. Your hand flew to your chest, pressed over your racing heart as a shock of fright sizzled through you.

“Jesus,” Rhett grumbled under his breath as he whirled around, crossing the floor in a few big strides before he threw open the front door, only to reveal Danny on the other side of the door.

“Didn’t you get my text?!” Danny asked, chest heaving. 

“What? No! I ain’t even looked at my phone since this mornin’!” Rhett answered, breathless.

“Nasty storm’s rolling in! Up in Coal County!”

“Shit, gimme one sec, I’ll meet you guys outside!” He turned on his heel and rushed to grab his phone from the living room, where it was charging. Then he retrieved his hat from the peg near the door.

You watched him scramble, preparing to meet another storm head-on, and you knew, it was now or never. Before you even registered what you were doing, your feet were carrying you forward, out of the kitchen, right to the door.

“Rhett,” you heard yourself call out his name.

He stopped in the doorway, turning to look at you, one foot on the floor, the other on the porch. “Yeah?”

You squared your shoulders and spoke more confidently than you ever had in your life. “I’m coming with you.”

A silent understanding passed between you both. He nodded his head, and simply replied, “Let’s go.”

read the next part

*don't be a silent reader! reblog the works you enjoy!

-

taglist:

@withahappyrefrain @rhettabbotts @ryebecca @peachystenbrough @attapullman

@sebsxphia @delopsia @damrlova @fragilefearnie @floydsmuse

@hangmanapologist @lovinglyeternal @likearolloftape @bobfloydsbabe @nobody7102

@mearslot @torturedpoetspsychward @floydsglasses @hearteyesforlewis @shamelessghostwagonwobbler

@cloudofbutterflies92 @keep-on-burnin @ravenmoore14 @queenbbarnes @phoenixhalliwell

@lyn-js @sunsetsimpsblog @ixxvixcviii @shinycupcakebaker @frequentnosebleeder

@atoncments @eolsens @casuallyclassless @desert-fern @perfectprettypisces

@parcetamoldaisy @zirrocom @rhettsgirll @just-in-case-iloveyou @ada--44

@sydney-malcontent @9ullmans @bradshawsbitch @callsignmedusa @antiquitea

@ohmyeyesmyeyes @spidervman @oddlymighty-witch @dreams-in-anthracis @fairyheart