#but whatever nothing i can do but wait. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

netscapenavigaytor · 2 years ago

Text

hmmph... people in jet set radio tag talking abot leak stuff and wiki vandalism. when every body should be talking about. ME AND MY FRIENDS MAEKING EDGY BRAINWEIRD BULLSHIT . (joke) (nobody would even know about this properly outside of discord) (just wanted to make a post because my brain is full of many thoughts) (jet set radio fans dm me if you want my bad yoyo opinions) (there is a lot of that. and other dubious opinions too)

#jet set radio #making this post so fast so that i can't regret it and not post it :thumbsup:#ULTIMATELY LIKE. i think i really want to join a jet set radio discord but im wayyyy too afraid to #so i just kind of keep waving jsr in front of everybody else like Hey. Hey can you look at this? For me?#which admittedly i did drag AT LEAST one other person into my madness so im doing something right. but that is not enough for me #and like idk if this fixation will fizzle in a month. its already lasted scary longer than expected #and done scary things that most hypfixes don't (unpublished 8000 word fanfic. god help me)#and even that aside i have no idea whether or not this fandom is receptive to hcs that are like. idk. this brand of weird and kind of edgy #[long ramble over the nature of ''dark'' headcanons and how i am afraid of getting typecast to a kind of writer i am not removed]#Any Way tl;dr any jet set radio fans want to stick their hands through the bars of my enclosure please dm me. its normal in here (LIE)#aaand hmm that. took up way more tags than expected. i wanted to . actually say my piece on the leak #i guess short version of my thoughts on the leak is ''nothing we can do but wait and see if its real''#but also regardless of my opinion on the leak itself (dont care for the artstyle much but eh) (also its funny that corn isnt there. rip)#i think ultimately i am Against the idea of a new jsr game. something something capitalism and nostalgia pandering #but whatever nothing i can do but wait.#everybody just play Jet Set Radio Paradox instead (you can't) (it does not exist) (why do i keep doing parentheticals on this post)#wow this post is a solid 0/10. posting it now so i dont just delete it #error 0

3 notes · View notes

dykedvonte · 30 days ago

Text

I think it’s so ironic that the Pony Express escapes a lot if not all blame in discussion. I can’t even say I am excused from it but it’s just how hard people circle back to the characters alone without considering the environment they were made to be in.

Why would they design a ship where only two of the rooms lock? Not the bathroom? Not the sleeping quarters? We assume that all the companies in the universe are this shallow and careless to their workers but we explicitly know the Pony Express in extra vile. They are fed processed slop pack they can’t even really cook and the ration of those pack is meager at best. They hired and made people with a plethora of conflicting demeanors and beliefs work together on a mission where cohesion is important if not an outright necessity and punish them for not being happy about it. There’s no social protocols, not chain of command other than Captain’s word/choice and the only way to enforce that is with a literal firearm. They don’t allow them to celebrate freely and even took away leisure activities that would make them less stir crazy. They are only allowed a few hours of sleep despite their being no other real responsibilities or work on the ship, no matter the position or its importance. With any crew, with any level of synergy, this was a powder keg waiting for a spark.

I’m not saying characters that made mistakes didn’t make huge ones, but I think part of the horror is that at least for some (this is targeting Jimathan) those mistakes are partly made by a force of the hand. There’s a running theme of lack of choice and being forced into something and the very nature of how The Pony Express expected them to function plays a big part.

#like even I forget that all actions taken in the game were people trying to remain in protocol outside of Jimmy #Anya couldn’t have jus stolen the scanner and got the gun cause she’s a sensible person and knows she’d be in legal trouble #or get everyone’s credits docked or just hoping that there’s some chain of command for this sort of thing #Daisuke only really acted in accordance to his direct superiors because he’s an intern he wouldn’t know the first thing about protocol or #what to do in any situation. like this is essentially implied to be his first real job #Curly may be the captain but he still has to follow rules and procedures and we see with the letter the Pony Express likely has very shady #and shitty ones. he gives the best not depressing or totalitarian options he can otherwise everything is just his word which aren’t even his #or like him just asserting his position with the gun which he wouldn’t do #Swansea follows the book begrudgingly because he’s trying to stay right and not fall back into who he once was #I feel like it’s not incorporated nearly enough that the environment they were dropped into heavily affected their actions #say there was a single person higher than Curly or a plan of action when a crew member is considered a danger to himself or others #I think it’s fascinating how people will stick to protocol and break when they get scared or to their limit #cause the game shows how normalcy deteriorates and I think discounting what the characters where put through by the company takes a way a #real and scary aspect of what happened to Anya because as a friend Curly didn’t do enough for her at all his comfort was there and he #appreciated but it was a distracted sort of care but as a Captain he didn’t protect her but he’s was a Captain of the Pony Express like what #if they told him to wait to? he still should’ve done something because Anya was actively suffering and Jimmy should’ve been reprimanded but #he’s a captain with orders like the Tulpar isn’t his ship in the same way like #god I wanna explain this in a way that makes sense but the Tulpar is like designed to breed animosity and work on the bare requirements one #needs to get things done that’s not how people work and if anyone deviates or interrupts that it literally has nothing to handle it #it becomes clear that if any social unrest happens why they just say fuck it and give the Captain the gun because if something happens the #blame can easily be placed on the person they put in charge despite what they put them #in charge of like this is just like work place harassment irl because often the perpetrators are not punished but the supervisors for not #stopping them with meetings or cuts or whatever but the environment the company fostered is rarely fixed or blamed #like why was this allowed to occur? and honestly that is because Jimmy did what he did #ask me about this if this is confusing cause I worded it crazy #mouthwashing #mouthwashing game #the pony express

61 notes · View notes

cyellolemon · 4 months ago

Text

A comic about Olive, and his meeting with the guy who could have ruined his life if it wasn't already so fucked up

#like. it's not a cute happy end #Ambrose is not a good person and is not doing any good in Olive's life #and Ambrose himself knows #but Olive happened to not care because in all cases he just wanted to end it all before meeting him #Ambrose would be like. the worst partner for everyone else but Olive..#and Olive wouldn't be a good one either #at the end they're happy together so whatever.. good for them i guess #Ambrose still feels guilty because Olive is not a lost case like him and could have healed #if he just had met a normal guy to love him #But things are just like that #anyway. the comic is also a bit personal lol Olive isn't the most self insert oc ever for nothing #for the first part at least #i will wait for my big tiddy fucked up man to show so i can start to think that surviving was worth it pff #suicide cw #cw suicide #dysphoria cw #cw dysphoria #my art #oc art #digital art #comic #comic art #trans artwork #mlm art #Olive #Ambrose

50 notes · View notes

milkweedman · 12 days ago

Text

Been trying to make a thick winter hat all damn weekend and have gotten approximately nowhere very slowly.

First was gonna do some cables (good way to make a thick hat), but my brain is mush and I just couldn't get math and tension to co-operate. Then I figured, bit of single color brioche is also very thick. Can't do brioche anymore apparently, as it wasn't working. Fine, I'll just crochet it--except now it's not warm because it has too many holes. Also, I've been using a very dark yarn for this bc its what I have, but I'm starting to suspect that not being able to see my stitches has been the problem this whole time.

So...now idk what. I still need a thick winter hat. Also need a pair of mittens and a wheelchair blanket as well as to actually finish that wheelchair bag (even more important now bc I ripped a huge hole in one of my prototypes on Friday and I dont want to fix it). Augh. So much to do. So little brain and even less arm strength to do it with.

I'm going to rethink my yarn choices and try for the hat yet again, I guess.

#i have been SO COLD waiting for the bus this winter #and due to bus schedules im regularly waiting for over half an hour in the freezing cold in the dark multiple times a day #also i think i am just colder in general now which i suppose isnt surprising #so my cold weather clothes that were fine last year are seriously not cutting it now that im in a wheelchair #unfortunately im not doing much spinning due to . yknow. all of it. so im pillaging my handspun hand dyed sets #that i had planned for other things which i will probably not be well enough to ever make anyway #so whatever.#it sucks having to shift my mindset from 'i can spin whatever yarn i need' to having to cobble together what i have #not because i have nothing to spin but because my hands just cant fucking do it #whether thats just for now or whether its from now on is impossible to know but easy to guess #yeah idk man i was not prepared to lose my body but you just dont get a say in these things. at all.#disability #knitting #spinning

24 notes · View notes

daisybell-on-a-carousel · 4 months ago

Text

Fanfic idea: Nocturna, after disappearing during the crisis, wakes up to find herself in the current universe, where she spots the Red Hood, and can't help but compare him to the blood night sky she last saw, and oddly, the young Robin whom she had tried to adopt

#can you tell i like the precrisis #bdjsbdks #thisnis nothing really. im not sure where to go from here #do they know eachother? does jason feel he recognizes her? and there flashes of memories from an earth long forgotten?#nocturna is Also against killing. how will meeting this different version of her son go #how will they react to eachother #nocturna noting how painfully different AND similar he is to who she remembers #WAIT #THE DEATH #SHE WAKES UP AND ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS SHE DISCOVERS IS JASON TODD IS DEAD AND DIED AT 14-15 OR WHATEVER #nocturna #jason todd #jason todd robin #red hood #i Know that nocturna comes back to the comics at some point i looked uo before making this post. but im p sure thats like #not the same #she wouldn't have the memories #when the crisis was happening the sky had become red and she had Feelings about that. mostly negative ones #and idk i wanted her to connect red hood w something about the night #she sees him w/o the hood and his hair makes her think of the moon in the night sky. for added detail you could say #that the white had taken on a cresent shape #depends how much white hair you think of jason w tbh #dc comics #i dont like tagging bwah #fic prompt

33 notes · View notes

hidiustd · 5 months ago

Text

15.06.2024 - 25.06.2024 — summer break: relaxing

the aesthetics of the first month of summer? kind of. nothing to do with studying, 'cause i took 10 days just to relax. walked a lot with my little old camera (digital detox was much needed), read a lot of fiction (maxton hall trilogy & muse of nightmares & a crane among wolves), watched the first season of haikyuu!!! (love it!) and just breathed some fresh air

in the latest news:

i'm now officially working as researcher for a university project, signed a contract a few days ago

i was offered to write a section for a monograph in my spare time during the summer break and i agreed, the topic is set and i'm starting the primary research now :)

today i'm doing some planning for the next weeks, i think it's gonna be really fun and i have a lot to do before the semester starts in august (and not much time haha)

39 notes · View notes

wormchaser · 2 months ago

Note

you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.

i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc . i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.

#every time i try to reach out or talk to someone it goes nowhere. i dont have any social skills anymore and have no clue how to keep a #conversation going. half the time even when i do people stop replying to me. which is fine theydont owe me a reply but still feels likeshit #when i tried to make one new irl friend it just didn't work because they have better options for friends. we spoke occasionally but never #messaged online like ever and would only talk when we happened to be in the same place. i tried multiple times to organize a time to hangou #none of which came to pass. i dont understand why this one didn't work because i thought this person was interested in being my friend but #i guess i was wrong or thought they were more interested than they really were.#i have a problem with reaching out anyway which has been a problem i have had since i was like 11. reaching out to people first doesnt come #easily to me - in the beginning when i was a lot younger i didn't want to bother people with my presence & thought if i were to come to #someone first they would feel pressured into talking to me when they didn't want to. this is stupid of course. but has still not left me as #something i feel is very core to the way i act today. waiting for someone to come to me first feels like my only option because i do not #know how to reach out effectively (my evidence being i have failed every time i have tried) & i am convinced people dont like me in the #first place and do not want me to approach them.#i dont really even know who to reach out to in the first place. my world is extremely narrow. the number of people i know has shrunk #significantly and my standing in their eyes collectively has also shrunk significantly in the past few years. i feel like every person i #was once friends with wants nothing to do with me. i feel as if i have burned every bridge possible.#when it comes to the fact i complain all the time . which i know of course is annoying. its because i cant find any kind of joy in anything #i do or see or whatever. nothing makes me happy - i only see things to complain about. all stimulus seems grating and the world seems #specifically catered to make me miserable. all i can really do is complain. i treat this blog like a stream of consciousness and when most #of that consciousness is occupied with how much i hate being alive the blog will mostly be complaining. its a vicious cycle lol .#anyway . i guess the key theme is low self esteem begets low self esteem in many ways. mental illness begets mental illness.#i am not really saying this to anyone least of all to you anon. i just felt compelled to recount i guess for myself the reasons that came #to mind for why i am like this. i am talking to myself here

12 notes · View notes

throwawayasoiafaccount · 7 months ago

Text

god tywin lannister deserved worse

just remembering elias death and i wanna puke and the way tywin talks about elia and what happened is so damn gross

but rip tommen and myrcella we all know what’s about to happen in the next book :/

the cycle of violence just keeps spinning and damn you tywin for beginning it

(i got a bit crazy in the tags 💀)

#rest in peace elia and rhaenys #i’m one of those crazy ppl who thinks jaqen h’ghar is aegon 💀#literally lost the teeny tiny amount of credibility i had #anyways i think doran’s in on it and i think rhaegar switched out asharas child for aegon paralleling the baby swap jon does #the pact made in braavos about viserys and dany marriages is a half truth half lie #and arianne being sent to faegon is simply doran testing his heir. if she messes up then whoever’s spying for doran will correct her #gerold dayne knows too much that’s why doran thinks he’s too dangerous #but this would make the dornish plot sooooo much more interesting and would show that no doran hasn’t been doing nothing #it would also automatically make the daynes more important #jaqen (aegon) was in kings landing to kill robert but got caught by varys. syrio was sent to find him. ned cleared out the black cells tho #saving aegon in the process. fun how we’re actually introduced to this character through lyanna starks mini me arya #aegon was able to kill robert with a boar tho so mission accomplished.#now he’s in old town trying to hatch his dragon egg. the stone beast taking flight in danys vision is aegon being symbolically depicted…#..as a spinx #i’m crazy delusional. but ppl who think faegon is actually aegon are even more delusional than me #plus the real aegon being alive fulfills the suns son part of quaithes warnings #i like this theory bc it makes the dorne plot more interesting and it explains whatever is going on with jaqen h’ghar cause he is sus #yes yes i know i’m delusional 💀 i just think it’d be a very interesting twist #kinda hoping no one sees this post at this point bc i know no one will take this theory well lol #i do think this theory can be supported by the text tho #and cerseis throw away line about ned stealing asharas baby would suddenly become peak foreshadowing #barristan comparign dany to ashara would also be peak foreshadowing bc ashara would take the place of gilly in this parallel and she was dis #dishonored by someone at harrenhall. likely aerys and then she turned to a stark probably brandon for comfort #tbh i think it was ashara who lied to brandon about what happened to lyanna. perhaps she was trying to mess with brandon’s wedding and #was trying to get back at rhaegar for humiliating elia at the tourney. i highly doubt it was baelish who lied to brandon cause brandon #has little reason to believe him and no reason to trust him. ashara tho? arthur daynes sister and elias lady in waiting? also his lover?#anyways varys the spider potentially stealing aegon away (if he did take a child it was the false aegon) is there to parallel the others #who ride ice spiders taking crasters sons. tbh i think it was aegon who decided he wanted to train as a faceless man so he could get revenge #on his own terms. and the sea lord of braavos at the time was in on it and helped aegon with his plans #the unveiling coming up is going to be a lot more important than arya just reclaiming her identity. yes im delusional lmao. rant over

26 notes · View notes

phagodyke · 1 month ago

Text

the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍

#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man #thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking #mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they #dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done #listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life #i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this #once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i #dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this #ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be #i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about #how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being #given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out #entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please #its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have #to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once #and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general #feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this #but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is #i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired #i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if #i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore #i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr #and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning #my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better #it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood #my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it #cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen #.vent #ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.

9 notes · View notes

hadesknockedupintheunderworld · 7 months ago

Text

Ngl it's weird finishing the Knuckles tv show and going to tumblr about it only for people (even who I consider bigger name fans) who also watched the entire show to claim that it "confirmed Knuckles Wachowski"

Like

I'm sorry

Did you somehow miss the part in the last episode where Knuckles had a whole montage of hanging with the Whipple family and Wade and saying "home" or something?

#sonic the hedgehog #knuckles series #knuckles the echidna #knuckles 2024 #knuckles whipple #sonic movie #knuckles 2024 spoilers #knuckles series spoilers #fandom wank #Sorry do you just think that this entire show was a sidequest so Knuckles could go back to the Wachowski house and be their kid now like #nothing ever happened?#In the show where episode 1 clearly showed that Knuckles couldn't mesh with the household and that Sonic considered him a roommate?#This place was not home for him. The show was about him finding home. How is the Wachowski household Knuckles' home after he had an epiphany #that his home was with the whipple family??#Ah wait sorry how could I forget. Sonic fans are just used to absorbing canon with a toothpick and picking the parts they like and then #claiming their headcanons for filling in the gaps are canon #Only the things they personally like are what happened of course #Sorry for being salty I'm just annoyed. Like you can have whatever headcanons or fanon you want. Heck I loved all those 'maddie is knuckles'#mom' comics and whatnot. I'm not even saying we have to interpret the media the same way. But Knuckles having a montage and calling being #with the whipple family 'home' happened. That happened.#A friend and I are running a bet that most people won't acknowledge that it happened unless Sonic movie 3 shoves it in our faces #The universe tests me every day by having put me into Sonic fandom. It is a constant test of one's soul not only to exist in proximity of a #community who you often disagree on big points with‚ but to watch a bunch of loud people claim things are canon but only accept textual #evidence when it serves them. Or to explain a little better #to watch a fandom try to build an 'accepted idea' of what canon is like that becomes so divorced from actual canon that you get people #saying that it's canon and ignoring anything that doesn't fit it because 'writing bad anyways'#Like guys please I am grasping your shoulders. If you don't like canon just say 'fuck you I'm going to make content of this because I think #it's better'. You don't have to assert that everything you believe is canon and ignore when it's not #i just be ramblin

22 notes · View notes

alicepao13 · 8 months ago

Text

The disrespect this show gets on a daily basis, from the production to the network(s) to even the pirates who prefer to rip shows like *checks notes* Big Brother Canada (same group)...

I wouldn't be calling them out if I hadn't done this myself, by the way. People who have never ripped a damn thing can stay in their lane. I have earned my stripes, I'm not someone who wants to talk shit about those who do this, and I understand the process involved. The webrips are a different story, as they are uploaded by Amazon whenever. The HDTV rips should be uploaded on time, shortly after the network airs the show, and it's the same process as it always has been to rip them. Uploading HDTV rips after the webrips has no value whatsoever, unless someone cares that much about the promo, which of course CityTV doesn't care enough to upload themselves, proving once again what a shitty network they are.

Hudson and Rex has an international fanbase, it shouldn't be so difficult to be able to watch it as an international fan in 2024.

#hudson and rex #this is now a whining blog #but what else can it be when nothing about this show is working as intended #I've been torrenting since 2005 #I've never had the misfortune of having to wait as long as I wait for this show through all these years #last season it took them three days to upload the season five premiere hdtv rip #the rip times are unbelievably inconsistent and they have been that way since this saw first caught my eye (season two)#the fact that there is a single group that does the hdtv rips means that if for whatever reason they can't upload it then we don't have it #the webrips are actually being ripped by one of the best groups out there so I can't complain #it's just that the streaming upload by amazon happens whenever they feel like it #once again I'm drawing similarities between canadian and greek programming which is so not in their favor #(I actually thought that by the time I'd finished writing this we'd have something but nope)#(ps I just saw a rip announce of family feud canada and I just... does someone actually hate hudson and rex?)#(pps do not respond to this if you live in a country where your government is actively combating piracy)

23 notes · View notes

asilosmagdalena · 13 days ago

Text

Falling back on my tried and true method of binging Peep Show as a coping mechanism to ward off the crushing despair I am experiencing in real life by dissociating and watching crushing despair play out on fictional characters in television but I've actually started to cultivate somewhat of a social life and am getting peer pressured into going to a bar and having fun and being alive and enjoying myself but no matter how hard I try to larp as a normal functioning human being I will always be Mark Corrigan. I can just momentarily pretend otherwise. I can repress my repression

#doing things you hate is the price you pay to avoid loneliness or whatever but does loneliness really bother me all that much #I can have a greater tolerance interacting with other humans I am getting better at pretending to have fun but it's just pretend #I CAN do it but I only do it because I feel like I SHOULD but I don't really want to. I don't really want anything and nothing matters to me #Might as well just see how being a normal young adult going to the club plays out #set a timer on how long it takes for me to have a neurotic breakdown #Anyway I'm getting picked up in 4 hours I was going to do the shopping today but I stalled and am just watching Peep Show while I wait #as a 'pick-me-up' I guess. Maybe it's having an adverse affect on my mental health maybe I should brainwash myself into thinking I'm excited #fake it til I make it or whatever

7 notes · View notes

uncanny-tranny · 1 year ago

Text

I posted something to this effect on my other blog, but it's been on my mind and essentially begging me to talk about it again so...

This post is dedicated to the people who might have caused their disability or may have made it worse in some way or another. This post is dedicated to people who haven't done the "right things" in the past, who weren't perfect, who weren't flawless robots.

Regardless of why you're disabled, you still need and, most importantly, deserve any accommodations for said disability. You cannot separate the "good disableds" from the "bad" ones. You are never required to prove that you're "innocent" before people are compassionate about your disability. Do not for a minute be convinced otherwise, for your own sanity.

#disability #disability positivity #ableism #ableism tw #(just for the implication)#maybe i made my hearing worse by listening to loud music. maybe not!#but regardless of *why* i don't always hear something i still deserve the space to go 'hey wait can you say that again...?' or whatever else #anyway the attitude of 'guilty until proven innocent' for disabled people is just another arm of ableism #and if you want to contribute to that by forcing us to prove ourselves then... fine but that's not a good outlook regardless #this is just something i have been thinking about again and again and again #like... part of the reason i made my disabilities worse is because i had access to NOTHING at the time #so my only recourse was to... do (essentially) nothing

92 notes · View notes

angellurgy2 · 3 months ago

Text

^_^

#i cant fucking wait to get this over with for good #it kills me to have to look in the mirror and see someone else and know ill never see myself because i cant be myself alone.#i hate that i have to scream and write stupid silly shit to get even a modicum of attention and have even that just be a like on a screen.#im not me anymore ive devolved into nothing and i have no one to help me become real again. sorry i csnt do it alone bc isolation isnt-#-conducive to healing esp for this long #no one will care but thats fine. ive known this for a while #i just want to get it over with and never feel this bullshit again. at least ill feel like me for a second before i die. its whatever.#i can try to play pretend until it comes but it wont work. bc its all pretend #god i cant fucking take another day of this detached horror of existence #i fucking *despise* having my only reactions in a whilebe some hug emoji by a stranger on a serious post. im fucking pathetic. that's why i #gone #gone gone gone. gone.#and i still have to wait for release to be mine. idk how long i can.

13 notes · View notes

labyrynth · 2 years ago

Text

ok so your first problem was assuming mdzs is a story where Good People are Rewarded and Bad People are Punished.

your second problem was assuming that MXTX—who goes out of her way to showcase unresolved, tragic, undeserved endings in all of her works—would ever write a story with such a shallow notion of “deserving.”

the only reason wangxian makes it out unscathed is because they’re literally the protagonists. authorial intent and plot armor ensure their happy ending. that’s it.

#mdzs talk #moi #i mean it also helps that neither wwx nor lwj give a rats ass about the rest of the cultivation world #wwx had already fucked off and lwj was basically doing that too #that man has never given a single shit about politics and maintaining good relationships #like what does it say about you if even jiang cheng is a better politician than you.#mister ‘don’t talk to me before i’ve had my coffee. or after. just don’t fucking talk to me.’#but yeah wangxian is like oh we helped to create a massive power vacuum and destabilized the entire cultivation world?#ahaha no way!🤪 hey actually can this wait? my husband and i wanna go fuck in the bushes 🥰#like. lwj that’s YOUR brother that just lost his most significant emotional support of the last decade.#wwx that’s YOUR pseudo nephew whose parental figure you just got killed.#that’s YOUR pseudo nephew who now has to become sect leader at like 15.#but nah they wanna go bang on the side of the road #god forbid they try to clean up some of the gigantic mess they helped to make #and nobody try to argue ‘well but jgy!!’ buh buh buh nothing. jgy cleaned up after himself.#neither wwx nor lwj had ANY personal stake in seeing jgy dead. lwj SHOULD have had a personal stake in keeping him alive actually.#i still think it’s super shitty and hypocritical of lwj to defend wwx so strongly and yet try so hard to condemn jgy in PRIVATE #both wwx and lwj really showed their asses at guanyin ngl. obviously huaisang did too.#like yeah it’s noble and righteous or whatever but like. righteousness was not why lwj defended wwx before.#wangxian stans being self-righteous and hypocritical? with classist double standards? with black and white mentality?#wow! who would have ever guessed?

193 notes · View notes

talkorsomething · 5 months ago

Text

I have Got to get more transgender

#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ #transmasc #trans ftm #transgender #i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever #so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL #it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks #such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also #or like. exist in general maybe #reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically #idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again #i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this #i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian #like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty #miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes #partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it #as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once #didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.

8 notes · View notes