#but vortex is fucking me over for no reason in a way it never did before now so. alas. alas.

[cescalr]

Yeah. I'm starting over my skyrim installation again. Yeah. It's the 30th time in the past year probably

[phneltwrites]

Sunday Snippet

Still rolling around in some exes who are fake dating

Wilhelm’s eyes are lined red and his mouth is a single line, frozen, pale as a statue. Then he cracks open and Simon thinks, finally. He’s ready to fight. He’s ready to remember all of the reasons he should be angry instead of sad. “That’s—you—” Wilhelm presses both hands into his eyes, fingers just beneath the bone, skin indenting. Simon watches him struggle to breathe, in shaky, exhale in three chunks. The type of breathing that hurts, that leaves the throat raw and Simon’s tricked, trapped into echoing it, inhaling with Wilhelm, exhaling like he’s scraping the inside of his throat. Wilhelm takes his hands off his eyes and they’re open, trained on Simon with the vortex inside them. There’s no space for Simon to fall into them. “When you… I think… I feel…” he exhales. “That’s not fair. That’s not fair, Simon. I don’t know what… You’re the one who said it didn’t have to be me who did this job. I listened. And I know it’s stupid, that my life is stupid and my problems don’t count, but it’s my reality. I have to live this, and I’m trying, I’m trying to—not drag anyone down.” Simon wanted to stop him as soon as he started talking, little interruption noises forming and dying in the back of his throat, but Wilhelm isn’t stopping, lips red and shaking but the words are still coming out clear. “You wanted me out of your life, and I left, and then you invited me back in, so I’m here. What do you want from me?” He waits, expectant, mouth half open. Simon wanted him to stop, wanted the pause, but the words get stuck. Stay with me. “Just tell me what you want.”

Simon wants him not to go.

Wilhelm’s right. The only bonus he got from their breakup was not having to watch Wilhelm get destroyed by his position. A state that he ruined for himself by pushing his way back in. Now all he has is Wilhelm’s absence. Close, but not with him. If Wilhelm gets this, he won’t even have that. He could never have imagined a world where Wilhelm didn’t get crushed, got free, got better, and Simon doesn’t get to see it. 

That’s a future he can’t bear. 

He wraps his arms around Wilhelm’s neck and throws himself into a kiss. It’s their worst one so far. It’s not the first time they’ve kissed when Wilhelm’s lips are sadness swollen, but it’s the first one Simon has gone too hard for, too fast. His nose bumps Wilhelm’s cheek and his feet slip from leaning up and off-balance. He has to gentle it back. Wilhelm’s hands come up around Simon’s waist, his spine, holding him secure. After that, it’s the most natural thing in the world. It’s been a while, but their bodies haven’t forgotten how to be together, yet. This is them, as they should be. Joy and rightness pop in his heart. He smiles a little, reckless with it, revelling in the way the curving of his lips changes the feel of Wilhelm’s. 

His hands wander, over Wilhelm’s shoulders, down to his shoulderblades, a familiar home for his fingers. Wilhelm shivers and then he gasps, tilting his head back and breaking the kiss. He steps away from Simon and Simon wobbles, his front going cold.

“I can’t, I can’t do this again,” Wilhelm says. His voice is strained. Bleak. “You know I’d give you anything, but you can’t ask me for this.”

Confused, Simon closes the gap. He reaches for Wilhelm’s hand, settles for his elbow when Wilhelm doesn’t reach back. “I mean it.” Maybe Wilhelm thinks this is a fleeting moment, a request for an evening—but it could never be that way between them. “We could be us.”

Wilhelm shudders. “For how long?” Simon’s heart thumps. This isn’t what he was expecting. He didn’t have a plan, but if he’d imagined it, then as soon as he kissed Wilhelm, Wilhelm would kiss him back and that would be it. “I’m just as fucked up as I was and sooner or later I won’t be able to hide it, and then you’ll—” he swallows. “And it’ll be my fault, but I can’t survive it. Not again.” After everything, this is what makes Wilhelm cry.

[the-femslasher]

Why I gave up on Succubuns

Hey there, it's Jack. I'm an artist and use any pronouns but on the closed species site Succubuns, I previously went by toxic-candy. I signed all my work with my Bluesky handle, femslasher. I primarily drew the characters Fray and Deedee. You can find art of them posted here under the tag "mine" or "upload" but most of my work is on femslasher.bsky.social. You can use this info to verify my identity.

Okay so a disclaimer before we get into it; I'm currently waiting on an official autism diagnosis after I was professionally assessed and found to qualify for further psychiatric evaluation. This isn't an excuse for my social quirks, rather a reason as to why this post might be messy. I've never been the best at my wording.

Additionally; this is not a callout. This is an explanation and summary of events leading up to me leaving the site. I'm writing this here instead of an ask because I never felt right participating in gossip online but what others do isn't my business. Nothing personal meant by this, genuinely.

That being said, I know I can come on too strong. I know I'm loud and annoying and that I'm too excitable and open and talk too much and that's on me. However, this is also part of the reason I'll be leaving Succubuns.

Yves describes my conduct as disruptive and inappropriate. After I expressed confusion over a rejection seemingly ignoring design changes I'd made, I was accused of complaining in the discord and promptly muted.

This is a link to the message I received from Yves: https://discord.com/channels/@me/1297682011313672264/1314717635837165629

The message ID is 1314717635837165629

The messages, shown below, read as follows

Jack: did you seriously mute me for being confused about a rule I was told to disregard?

Yves: Jack, you have continued to be unable to act appropriately in chat despite many warnings. Complaining in community help that you're unhappy with staff rejecting your design and talking back to moderators is not okay. You've also continued to overtake chat to talk about yourself, your own characters, and your own interests excessivly since you returned just a few days ago.

If you want to continue to interact in the server, you need to act more appropriately. This is your second strike-- on your third, you will be permanently banned.

For additional context my first strike was for the same cited reasons as this one. Below is a screenshot of those messages as well as a transcript

Message ID 1: 1299187139199897674

Message ID 2: 1314717030309691452

Vortex, on 10/24/2024: You have received 1 strikes in Succubuns for: Inappropriate conduct in chat

🤐 You have been tempmuted for 1 weeks from Succubuns

Vortex, yesterday 5pm: You have received 1 strikes in Succubuns for: Repeated warnings about inappropriate discord behavior

🤐 You have been tempmuted for 4 weeks from Succubuns

Jack: oh come the fuck on

At this point I've decided to pack my bags, say "fuck it all," take my characters and leave. I have more followers on BSKY now than ever and nothing to lose because almost none of them care about Succubuns.

I'm cancelling the promise I made to draw Christmas gifts for new users. There's no point in trying to fit in here. The space isn't for me, and while I have tried I can't fix that. I haven't been able to fix that in the over 20 years I've been alive and I'd rather go my separate way than force myself into a space knowing I won't be accepted there.

@succubun-salt

[arcadiabaytornado]

Live Playing Double Exposure First Thoughts:

A: Okay, I do love that you can pick Max’s outfit right away. I chose the rainbow sweater.

B: This sounds over dramatic but it was so intense to see Max’s face again. For a very brief moment I was 13 again watching Max wake up in the storm.

C: Am I insane or all the sounds in this game like…muffled?? I have my audio settings all the way up so it’s not that. Speaking of settings I also took the motion blur off and the graphics look so much now.

More Undercut

D: I’m already finding it super interesting that Max finds comfort in the destruction of old buildings after hell week. That could mean a lot of things but I’ll wait to see if the game tells me before I get analytical.

E: I love Safiya already. PLEASE let her be a love interest.

F: I do love the camera mechanism!!!!

G: Max lost her powers after hell week? That’s also super interesting holy shit. I’d love to know more about that, though my guess is that Max maybe completed her purpose with her power and therefore lost it? I wonder what that would mean for Daniel and Alex….

H: I’m trying to not to think of Chloe to much, but man she would have loved an old abandoned bowling alley.

I: Getting used to older Max is an adjustment. She doesn’t feel out of character per se, but it is weird because I keep expecting her to act like her eighteen year old self and then she doesn’t because she’s older now.

J: Older Max is already coming off as a lot more confident/reckless than younger Max. I like that change a lot!

K: I don’t know how I feel about Max making a one liner every time I examine anything.

L: Ah fuck. Is fate after Safiya or Max this time.

M: Did they really put the “We will :)” flashback right before making us confirm that Max and Chloe broke up. I’m going to fight Decknine.

N: Max is never beating the autism allegations.

O: I know people are upset at the “high school sweetheart” line but in context it seems like Max is trying to deflect the conversation to not talk about what Chloe actually was to her.

P: The texts between Max and Chloe were so uncomfortable to read. I know the storm changed them both, but….i don’t know…it just seems weird that Chloe reacted like that to Max wanting to move in with her permanently. I’m getting the vibe that their relationship was mentally and emotionally over on Chloe’s end way before it was on Max’s end.

Q: Max is ghosting her parents now and that devastates me.

R: Can I have a middle ground option on Amanda? I’m not ready for Max to have a huge crush yet, but I wouldn’t say she’s not Max’s type.

S: Okay, the Chloe/Victoria thing seems like fanfiction. It’s the only thing so far that I’ve gone “ugh” at.

T: The Vortex Club parallel is not lost on me.

U: I’m sorry but Max’s eyes look so bad…she also looks like she had a different model from every other character for some reason??

V: I’m just going for it and saying “A date thing” If Safiya is a romance choice later on I’m going to be so mad. But that’s what other saves are for.

W: Hearing Chloe’s name is a jump-scare at this point lmao.

X: I’m loving Moses. He’s so awkward and seems really sweet. Which makes me scared he’ll be the killer because the LIS franchise does not let us have nice things.

Y: I don’t even know how Max is SUPPOSED to talk about what she’s running from regardless if she sacrificed Chloe or the Bay.

Z: I wonder if they’re going to give Max’s power a celestial explanation and that’s what’s with all the solar system imagery.

[xfangheartx]

Summary: Buffy crashes the party, and things do happen!

Preview:

  Back in the present, Verosika sighed as she stared up at the ceiling while Fizz looked at her with worry.

  “I guess I should have seen it coming, you know?” she asked. “I should have realized that someone other than Blitz would find out… but I never thought it would be Buffy, or even Loona, or those other two imps he works with.”

  “What was Buffy doing when you saw her?” Fizz asked.

  “She was… tearing the decorations down,” Verosika answered. “She started screaming at everyone.” She paused. “I never thought someone so sweet… could get so angry.”

~Earlier, at the party~

  Verosika had seen Hellhounds when they were at their most vicious, before. Vortex wasn’t certainly no exception… but this. This was a different kind of vicious.

  Buffy’s fur was bristling all over and her fangs were bare for all to see. Her eyes were wide and glowing red as saliva dripped from her mouth. Her fingers were open and outstretched, revealing her claws.

  If Verosika didn’t know better, she’d almost say that Buffy had a bad case of hellbies.

  Behind Buffy, there was Loona, Moxxie, and Millie, all looking worriedly at the Golden Retriever Hellhound as she tore down a jack-o-lantern streamer that spelled “Fuck You Blitzo”. The party guests just watched, stunned and frozen as this one Hellhound kept trashing everything and throwing drinks on the floor. One imp even had a black eye, which he was currently nursing with an ice pack as he stood with several other demons.

  And that’s when Buffy’s eyes fell on the very succubus responsible. At first, her snarl had momentarily faded… but just for a brief moment. The moment she laid eyes on Verosika, Buffy growled furiously as she stomped toward her.

  “You…!” she growled as she pointed an accusing finger into Verosika’s chest. “Who the FUCK do you think you are, Verosika?! How could you do this?!!”

  “N-now, hold on, Buffy, just wait a second!” Verosika exclaimed. “Just listen to me-”

  “No! YOU listen!!” Buffy spat. “Do you think this shit is funny?! Huh?! You think it’s okay to make a party about hating someone who already hates himself so bad that one little push over the edge could actually lead him to do THIS?!!” She gestured to one of the “Blitzo KYS” t-shirts that Wally had been selling. “How could you do this, Verosika?! I thought we were friends!!”

  “How did you even know about the party?!” asked Verosika.

  “We saw this video on Sinstagram!” Millie exclaimed as she held up her phone, revealing a video post of Stolas singing on stage with Verosika and Vortex. Amongst the crowd was a familiar shape hidden underneath a white, bloody sheet standing right in front of the stage. Immediately, Verosika cringed, and even Vortex sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck.

  “Miss Mayday,” Moxxie began, “I know that Blitzø, but… I think I speak for all of us when I say ‘What the FUCK?!’”

  “Loona told me about how you used to date my Dad!” Buffy yelled at Verosika. “About how he dumped you, AGES ago! Are you that fucking petty?! You’re so fucking spiteful, that you feel like you should do this?!”

  “Buffy, it’s not what you think!” Verosika argued. “We all have a reason to hate your dad! He-”

  “I don’t give a single SHIT what your reasons are!!” Buffy spat. “I don’t care how much you hate my Dad!! He DOESN’T deserve this!!” She then glared at everyone else. “And you all are just as pathetic!! Do any of you hate my dad so much that you actually wish for him to FUCKING DIE?!!”

  Some of the guests were prepared to counter that argument… but then, some stopped and looked at each other. Others might have looked angry, but then their anger gave way to realization… then, the realization slowly formed into guilty looks.

[donut-cloud]

Lifesteal incorrect quotes

Spoke: I took a calculated risk but boy I am I bad at math

Vitalasy: Wow, all of lifesteal lost power.

Subz: You know, I’ve always kinda liked blackouts. Listen to how quiet it is. It’s so peaceful.

[ Lifesteal being Lifesteal. ]

Subz: Nope, it immediately turned into a purge. Way to go, Lifesteal.

*Everyone blowing up and killing everything in sight*

Life-stealers : LETS GOOOOOOOOO

Clownpierce: If there is such a thing as true love, I’m sure I’ll never find it.

Branzy: Oh don’t worry! I’m sure that you’ll find it someday. Maybe you and I can find it together.

Clownpierce , under his breath: I think I just found it.

In circus...Branzy wanted to surprise Clown for his anniversary...

Clownpierce : What is one thing I told you not to do?

Branzy: Don't burn the circus down...

Clownpierce : And what did you do?

Branzy: Made you dinner~

Clownpierce*Raises an eyebrow at him*

Branzy:...

Branzy:... and burnt the house down

Poafa: Can I share a hotel room with someone else? Zam has a really weird alarm.

Vortex: What do you mean?

Poafa: It’s a recording of him going, “Come on Barbie, let’s go party” over and over, but he just gets more terrifying each time.

Zam: Tell me a single time you didn’t sing along.

Poafa: …

Vortex: He has a point.

Poafa: Goddamnit.

Subz: Do you think he's the one for me?

Woogie: Vitalasy? Oh, yeah. He's tons of fun and you're no fun at all. He completes you.

Ro: Mappic… Did it hurt?

Mappic: What? When I fell from heaven? 

Ro: No. when you died.

Mappic:

Mappic: What the fuck do you think? It was a damn crowbar and a bomb. You tell me.

Things said out of context

Leo: You know, everytime we have to say "technically it's not murder" it doesn't sound as great as we hope it so.

-------------

Branzy, very tired: I suppose I shouldn't ask about the Bomb flying of your window this morning?

Zam: I'd really hope you not.

--------------

Spoke: I'm JUST SAYING, that IF "hypothetically" WE both showed up in battle  wearing  parrot onesies, hood down and then lifted up the hood just to show matching mowhawks we could both have the joy to see everyone  pissing on their pants.

Parrot putting his book down: I'm listening.

----------

Rekrap: Just- Just be nice about it, for once in your life okay?

Pangi: Hn. (lying)

-----------

Branzy: I'd like to remind all of you that I have a terrifying death clown.

Vitalasy: The fuck you mean by that????

Branzy: No reason. Just saying. In case we all forgot.

------------

Ashswag: We are all aware that Spepticale isn't fond of violence *loads glock*.

-------------

Spepticale, 10 years old talking about Ashswag to Clutch : Yeah, he just comes here, eat all our food, argues with Reddoons for 45 minutes and goes away.

--------------

Pangi, 15 years old, also talking about Ashswag to his school friend: He just comes here-

---------------

Branzy, very, very tired: So... a bomb.

---------------

Terrain: Do it.

Cube: Dude what the fuck.

---------------

Zam, 7 nights awake in a roll: Do you think if I just scream loud enough Clown will come here and put me out of my misery.

Mid, 12 nights awake in a roll: He won't.

---------------

Mid  at 3 am: I'll pay you fifty bucks if you pretend you never saw me here

---------------

Zam, 17 years old: The fuck are you doing here.

Clown, with a shitty ass grin showing the engagement ring on his finger: I live here.

Zam:..

Branzy: Listen-

Zam: Some of you still don't eat the crust on your sandwich like absolute fucking cowards. It's just bread. Are you a toddler? Does your mommy tuck you in? Eat the crust, you stupid baby.

Also Zam

Zam: BRANZY THERE'S CRUST ON MY SANDWICH

Spoke: Clown, can I have a silenced pistol?

Clown: Shouldn't you ask Branzy?

Spoke: He said no. 

Clown: Then why're you asking me?

Spoke: Because he's not the boss of you.

Clown: It's a trap, it's a trap, it's a trap.

Bacon: how do you ask someone out?

Vitalasy: Well, first-

Subz: Don't ask him, he asked me out in a McDonalds parking lot.

Bacon: …And you said yes?

Clown, to Branzy: We had a date!

Branzy: *aggressively points to Spiderman Coloring Book*

Ro: Hey guys what’s up?

Mappic: Silence! this is a debate I intend to win.

Ro: huh?

Clown *eating popcorn* : You’re gonna wanna see this 

Jaron: BY FAR IT IS ONLY LOGICAL TO ASSUME- 

Mid: LOGIC HAS NO PART YOU’RE JUST BIASED

Clown: They’re fighting over who was the one which caused the most chaos 

Ro: 

Ro *reaches for popcorn* 

Clown *slaps his hand* : Nuh-uh Ro only the one with the title of MOST CHAOTIC lifestealer gets to eat popcorn 

Spepticale: YOU ARE A LITERAL ASSASSIN WHOS TRIED TO MURDER SEVERAL PEOPLE 

Clown: REMIND ME OF YOUR BODYCOUNT?! 

Ro: what now-

Clown: THAT WAS BARELY ANY  

Spoke: I was literally broke ALL the rules in lifesteal AND SUMMONED THOUSANDS OF MOBS

Clown: You’re all just competing for second place 

Ro: .. wait what about me? 

Everyone *stops and stares* 

Mappic: Ro, this is serious

Parrot: Yeah dude I remember your reputation and you haven’t changed 

Branzy: .. are you all done? 

Zam: BRANZY! Just who we want to see! So.. tell us, who was the most chaotic lifestealer ever 

Branzy*without hesitation* : Ro 

 Rek: Yeah it was Ro

Everyone:………

Ro*steals popcorn* : Y’all better start putting respect on my damn name

—————————

Behind the scenes

Ro: 2 hearts for you to say me 

Branzy: deal

--------------------------

I attempted  to write angst but kind of gave up in the end 

Momento mori = remember you must die (learned this in my arts class)

He stood near the cliff as the sun was setting. The wind blew his black hair left and right. The sun in front of her created a golden lining almost too faint to see. He watched him not wanting to disrupt the incredibly angelic scene in front of him.

In hopes of replicating his feelings, Branzy took a deep breath and walked towards Clown. As he turned around, he expected to see his bright red eyes almost gaze into your soul, you stared at them for long enough. Clown's head had turned around by the time his head was out of the clouds.

Branzy gaped in shock as he backed away, Clown’s eyes had been gouged out, and his lips, as well as his skin, had been ripped off of his face, blood was dripping down from everywhere, and the blood gushing from his eye sockets made it look like he was crying out blood, The bacteria in the air had started to rot away at his muscles. The blood continuously dropped on the green grass, turning a deep shade of maroon.

Branzy stared at him in shock and horror. He tried to run but couldn't. No matter how hard he tried something in him wouldn’t let him.

*************************

Branzy jolted awake as sweat dripped down his forehead. His breath became shaky as he tried to calm himself down from his nightmare. 

It had been years since Clown had passed away but even to this day, he couldn’t escape the guilt. Clown died because of him. It was his fault. If he had never taken the job, Clown would be with him. 

But life gives no second chances.

[elizabethshaw]

thoughts on "echoes"!! under the cut bc of spoilers:

this boxset absolutely came out at one of the worst possible times for me (my busiest day of the week, at a time when i have 6 different exams, a presentation and also assessments for my home uni to prepare for), and i fear it may have regnited my 8das fixation somewhat which is. not something i have time for rn lmao. we'll see how it goes i guess! anyway personal stuff over now-

i definitely enjoyed it overall! i'm still not entirely sure where i'd rank it in comparison with the other post-stranded boxsets but it was a lot of fun, and it was (as expected) a joy to hear this tardis team together again :)

i will say however that i did have one major qualm with it, which is that i felt a bit let down with how little it followed through with the emotional plotlines set up in the preceding two sets. i got the feeling when listening to "what lies inside?" and "connections" that they were very much going somewhere with this team's (particularly helen's) emotional arc, and while i won't deny there were some nice scenes with them in this set, the fact that these threads were otherwise left to one side most of the time was a disappointment. there was potential to do some really interesting character work in continuation from the events of those previous episodes and it just. didn't happen. i don't want to sound too down about it because i did still really enjoy these stories, but i think this side of things was missing a little bit for me. hm.

anyway, episode-by-episode thoughts:

birdsong

i think this was my favourite of the set. i really love audio drama that leans into more horror-adjacent aspects (even though i'm not a massive horror fan otherwise tbh), and also love it when audio drama just gets kinda fucked up with it. this story hit on both counts for me :)

love that this continued the running trend from the previous boxsets of the episode starting with eight, liv and helen just getting to be silly for a bit before the Horrors inevitably happen :D

lowkey actually love the concept of barcodes as a written language! part of me wants to try and work out how that could work now

scots pine trees... it never rains... bracken... sand... they're literally in breckland lmao

saying that it does also have the Suffocating Quietness going on so i think i'm onto something here...

when the vortex previews for this set mentioned a family member of helen's first mentioned in doom coalition being relevant to this story, i wasn't expecting it to be the grandmother she mentioned in "ship in a bottle". however it was actually really nice to have helen's relationship with her developed further, and it was woven into the story well i thought

being Normal about the scene between liv and helen at the fireside. i am being so normal about it

"i'm not sure i could do this with anyone else, you know? everything from exploring strange new worlds... to talking about my family." i'm fine. i'm fine!!!

[putting on my clown shoes] this is how liv/helen can still be canon in some form before helen inevitably dies! :))

i love how vivid this story felt to me. i always end up getting visuals in my head as i listen with any audio drama but some stories end up, for storytelling or sound design reasons, or both, creating really clear and vivid pictures in my mind and this was definitely one of those

i hope to god that when i visit home over the summer and listen to these with my mum (who loves these audios but refuses to listen to them without me, which is kind of sweet of her), my dad is not in the same room. i love him but he absolutely would be asking me to pause it every few minutes so he could identify the bird calls and then also getting really frustrated when i inevitably end up being unable to guess any of them correctly myself lol. the pains of being related to an ornithologist

big fan of the way things got increasingly more disturbing towards the end. i do think the eight-liv-helen era has been lacking in terms of properly creepy stories (this is just my personal taste tbf), so it was cool having them properly lean into that for once. i have to say though the mental image of the scout's body with all the roots forcing their way into her eyes is not going to be leaving me for a long time

also thought the sound design was really well done on this one!! you could really feel the discomfort of the silence i think

got slightly choked up at helen and liv singing to bex as she died. i might have just been in a weird mood while i was listening to it but. yeah. it did something to me

anyway had a lot of fun with this episode! it had a lot of elements that appealed to me personally, and the character work it did was nice. i look forward to listening to it again one day :)

lost hearts

m.r. james episode!! i've only ever read two of his stories (both of which are products of me knowing this episode was coming haha), but was quite excited for this one regardless because a) ghost stories! and b) he's actually got connections to a village in the area i grew up in, and as i've never actually seen/heard any stories set where i come from in my life, it was neat to have a story in my favourite show, featuring some of my favourite characters, star someone more or less from where i'm from :')

have to say though i am disappointed to have lost the unofficial "will they namedrop great livermere" bet i had going on with my mum and brother. it's such a middle-of-nowhere village (it's not on the way to anywhere, has 3 streets (one of which is named "the street" and another of which is actually a dirt track), and you invariably see more chickens there than actual people), it would have been deeply amusing to me for it to have canonically existed in the dwu

loved all the direct (and indirect) callbacks to "the red lady" in this story! it felt fitting seeing as on some levels they do share certain elements in terms of plot/setting, and was also just fun for me as that is one of my favourite stories :)

was also a big fan of how active the story felt (not sure if that's quite the right word?) - each of the characters had a clear role to play and all the main cast got something to do, it never felt hugely like any of them were being sidelined, which does happen on occasion with 3+ person tardis teams

if helen had punched someone at some point in this story i honestly wouldn't have blamed her

"he's like the museum of cairo, stuffed inside a... well, a-" "a rude, ungracious little twerp?" oh my god askdfjdsfjkds

(let her swear!!!)

i like how the story was riffing off some of the plot/vibes of m.r. james' actual short story "lost hearts" (helpfully one of the two i've read)! it gave it that nice kind of connection, without feeling overly derivative and like it was straight-out copying it

my only main issue with this episode was that robert felt kinda underdeveloped. they started off well in his opening scene with liv, but i don't think we got enough of a chance to get to know him as a person after that point and i think the story suffered for it a little. i don't think it helped either that he's not a family member helen had ever mentioned prior to this episode, so they were essentially having to start from scratch and with everything else going on in the narrative, didn't quite find the time to give him sufficient detail

loved the emotional moments that were brought out when helen got erased... "helen, she's my- she's everything i have left" ough

and the salzburg parallels?? liv attempting to fly the tardis in a desperate attempt to rescue her friends, much like helen did? this is so... it's a lot

i won't lie, it did feel a bit odd to me that they would go to such lengths to avoid actually naming the uni in this episode as cambridge. i suppose it may have been to avoid spoiling the "it's m.r. james!!!" reveal at the end, but given that i think anyone who would have guessed it was him from the setting being cambridge probably would have guessed it anyway beforehand either from the episode blurb or the fact that the episode literally starts with him reciting one of his most famous short stories, it feels a little pointless. i mean i clocked it as an m.r. james episode when the set was announced and i had never read any of his work at that point lmao. not a glaring issue or anything, but felt like a weird choice

anyway loved helen getting to geek out a bit at the end... i love her :')

i think i'm going to have to relisten to this at some point so i can fully get my head around it but i did enjoy it!

slow beasts

this was a solid ep. not my favourite story this tardis team has ever had, but i did absolutely enjoy listening to it, and thought there were a lot of really good ideas in it!

the colonialism plotline especially worked really well for me, it felt pertinent in just the right sort of way. it's not necessarily something new for dr who, but i think it was definitely a good example of how to do it well.

i think "simple, but effective" is the way i'd sum this one up tbh. not exceptional, but it knew what it was setting out to do, did it, and did it well, and i think that worked. it did admittedly feel a bit strange after two more complex/experimental sort of stories, but i don't think that's any reflection on its actual quality

"here is the psychic paper. be confident. it only works if you're confident." "but... i- i'm not confident?" me if i got asked to use the psychic paper tbh

enjoyed the use of the translation circuit in this one :) i have a lot of thoughts on it as a general thing so i always like seeing the ways it gets utilized in different stories

so! had fun with these! a couple of things that maybe could have gone better, but overall a set of three stories i had good fun with and i suspect will enjoy listening to again. fingers crossed the december boxset is with these guys again and they do a bit more with helen's emotional plotlines next time :)

[frankendykez]

this is highly different from the usual posts i make, but im only posting this because i don;t have. anywhere else to really say it normally and in a way that doesnt seem like im purposely making the people around me discomforted. regular posting will go back after this, but for this vent post specifically tw for: mentions of (almost) sucide attempts and suicidal thoughts

i almost attempted quite a few nights ago. almost. i had the knife in my hand but pussied out last second. i'm glad i did. i thoguht the worst period of my life was roughyl around 13 to 15 or so, but even though i did have suicidal thoughts then and hid it all up with whimsy, i never got this close to an attempt. i don't know why i tried this, i don't want to die, i want to live and be happy and i am still trying to be happy and hopeful despite all of this, i am trying to be optimistic but i suppose despite my current belief (or something im trying to turn into a genuine belief) that my life is worth something, i guess i am just havig Quite The Year right now.

i want to live, you know, and i will live, im sure of that, i guess that one moment was a odd one off thing, if that makes sense. i know i will make it through whatever im going through, and i have a strong reason to keep on living --- it's for the people that i love, mainly, my friends. i don't want them to ever have to miss me, or to ever stay awake in bed during late night crying about my suicide. i want to die of old age, i want to be there for the people i love, my life really is just other people and honestly, i think any reason to live is a good reason to live, as long as it makes you happy and improtantly alive.

i am the most loved ive ever been in my current friendgroup (but i don't think they deserve to hear me vent about uncomfortable topics nor would they want to me which is understandable), i think, but "home" has been horrible. i don't know what to do with myself, everytime im out i dread going home, i don't think i've ever past a day without crying at least once, or getting irrationally angry at something minor. and things have happened in the past also affected the way i think, you know. sometimes i don't believe the love my friends have for me, even though i also at the same time i know its true. i know i deserve to be loved and i will do anything to be loved and in turn i love all my friends like they're my entire world, but it feels like my brain is at war with itself, one side being stupid irrational thoughts and actual logic. i often have breakdowns about "not being anyones best friend", and whenever i vent about this to a friend of mine, theyre always like "ur my best friend!!" and i want to believe them so badly and i kind of DO but i also don't, some annoying part of me just thinks theyre just... saying that. i suppose. its kind of silly to believe i was born a person, sometimes i feel like a vortex, always hungry for love, craving more than what im given. this is such a long paragraph already but i havent even describe the extent of my emotionality, which tbh i rather would not do. i already said too much anywyas. but also little enough taht i just sound like a whiny little bitch, tbh.

i dont know why i said so much, i think it was another attempt to make the few people that read this not worry much about me trying to attempt suicide again. but yeah, i was having a Time. god this barely makes sense lol. thanks for anyone who read tho no ones obligated to respond or interact. i got over it, it was a few days ago anyways. jus had to say it somewhere without making thigns in the friendgroup feel uncomforyable.

sometimes i wish i didnt live but im so fucking glad i did

sorry for this post you lot, promise thisll be the only one. love you guys even if i barely know u. i dont mean to sound like an attention seeker, i just need to say it somewhere, i guess. god i sound so stipid lmfao

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, JANUARY 31, 2019 Stupid cock with a loud car still can’t go a day without visiting mommy and daddy but I’d say it’s definitely not living here. It just left for the night (at 6). So now it doesn’t have to make its own dinner.

Chatted with Aly earlier. She’s on the edge of the polar vortex I’m so glad we’re nowhere near. Wow, -40 degrees in Wisconsin? OMG!

Still having some itching and especially burning down there and I’m not sure why. On a list of no-nos for those with lichen sclerosis are hot chocolate and cocoa. Well, that’s what my Sugar Babies K-cups are so perhaps that’s part of why I was on fire earlier. Damn, I’m so fucking sick of my crotch torturing the shit out of me so much of the time! It’s better than yesterday, though, and I didn’t have any Sugar Babies today.

So I guess Ray realized he accidentally gave my message a thumbs up and decided to give it a thumbs down today which I replied to with a 😂. I expected to be blocked at that point but I wasn’t. Doesn’t the grumpy old fart know he can do that?

Really hoping we don’t need a new car anytime soon but the car’s ‘check engine’ light keeps coming on, suggesting something could be wrong with the transmission. As Tom said, transmissions aren’t worth fixing on older cars but if worse comes to worst, we grab a used car for three or four grand to tide us over for the rest of the time we’re in the state.

Right now my schedule is really pissing me off. I totally believe that it was not only cursed upon me not only to stop me from making money but also to make my life harder. Looks like I’m going to have to reschedule my dentist appointment though I should hit Dr. A with no problem. The question is whether or not I should in the first place. I’m thinking I might message her a week beforehand if I’m still stable and ask if I can bump her appointment up to June which is when I would have normally seen her and when my next round of blood work is due anyway. But then maybe I should go and show her my groin rash because it keeps trying to flare up as fast as I treat it, so as much as I fear medication, I’m wondering if that’s the only way to get rid of it for good. I would still worry that it’s just going to keep reoccurring so IDK.

I don’t regret the guinea pigs much at this point but I definitely regret the rats because they’re just so fucking timid. Just so, so timid. I knew better too, so why the fuck did I go and get them?

Tom was saying that in order to help him cut back on eating he’s sort of playing a game where he has only so many days to ration out only so much food. I told him he oughta pretend he’s on probation and part of its terms stipulates that he must do 10-20 minutes of programming a day or else his ass gets hauled to jail. I’m serious too, LOL. While I’ll never be on probation again, think of all the things we’d get done if we had no choice but to do it or run!

I’ve totally lost all control of my own weight. I try to take it as easy as possible on the food, and I could walk and walk all day, but the weight is definitely mine for life.

The problem is everything is bad for me because it’s either high in cholesterol, high in sodium or not good for LS.

I was so tempted to message a friend of the black bitch’s in Arizona from the Nicole account, pointing out all the ways she and her friends messed up when pretending to be from the police department, but she would only block that account, preventing me from tipping her off when it’s time to read my story, assuming she’s even alive then. She’s only four years younger than me.

Also, I absolutely cannot go to jail should they set me up. Not only for obvious reasons but I didn’t have the health issues in my 30s that I have now. Now I need daily thyroid medication which they would conveniently happen to take weeks or even months to give me, and I doubt they would give me anything for my LS or the glasses I need just to see where I’m going.

Went out walking earlier. A large woman with an old chihuahua stopped and chatted for a few seconds on Tandy and so did a very frail woman further down the street, telling me to hurry up and get my walk in since it’s going to rain tomorrow. Yes, it is! Looks like we have a rainy few days coming up, something I have mixed emotions about. The roof could leak, the place will smell of old wood since I think the attic has water damage, and the humidity will make my lungs tight because they’re not used to humid conditions. But I do like the rain otherwise and we certainly need it.

Had a weird dream that made no sense at all. I started off in a large room where a few full-size beds were laid out side by side. I was supposed to spend the night in the bed on one end by the door leading to the rest of the house or whatever it was. I was to sleep with this young woman. Nothing intimate or anything like that, it’s just where I was to sleep that night.

The girl was in her early to mid-20s and was petite with straight long dark blond hair and light eyes. As the few others that were in the room mingled about, we laid on our backs chatting with a small dog she had between us, and I smiled and said, “This is nice.”

She squeezed my hand with affection and then the girl was suddenly searching for running apparel on her laptop. I asked why she was looking at running apparel since she wasn’t into running and the girl said, “No, but you are. I want to get you something as a token of thanks.”

I told her she didn’t have to do that and showed her how solid my calves were. She poked and prodded them with her fingertips, inspecting the muscle.

Then the girl got up and packed some stuff into a bag because she was going out somewhere. As she was doing this, I said something about her cutting off the bed space and not leaving me much room the last time we slept together, so what should I do if she didn’t leave me much space that night?

“You do nothing about it because it was my space to begin with,” she told me.

Then she took off and I studied the room and decided it was ordinary-looking but stylish. I thought to myself that I might hang some things on certain sections where the walls were bare.

Then the bed turned into a car which I backed out of the spot the bed had been in and drove to the other end of the long room. So about 25 feet. Then I was worried that maybe I shouldn’t have moved the car and that the girl wouldn’t like the spot I moved it to, so I racked my brain trying to come up with a good excuse for moving there in the first place.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 30, 2019 Why are my numbers so bad lately? Been watching my sodium yet now my diastolic number is on the rise. It was a little over 80 but now it’s often between 90 and 100. My weight is up a couple of pounds too, and I can’t seem to get it back down. Oh well.

The car is now done and Tom even found another problem along the way where there was a pinched hose that was preventing antifreeze from going where it was supposed to. I’m just glad he was able to do it himself as I knew he would be! Saves us hundreds of dollars.

Speaking of something that costs hundreds but may be very worth it once we get ahead again, I was thinking of getting laser hair removal. As a woman ages, she gets hairs on her upper lip and plucking and waxing hurts, and of course you don’t want to shave them and get coarse stubble either. Nair thins the hairs but doesn’t remove them completely. The question is whether or not to buy my own laser treatment device or leave it to the pros. The pros would cost much more, of course, and it would take a minimum of four sessions, but at least I know it would be done right. Would love to have my underarms and legs done as well but that would really add up in cost so I’ll just focus on the ladystache.

Our little project junkies got new carpet today. This was an indoor project so I didn’t have to worry about hammering or power tools but there would have been a lot of door slamming as they were going in and out of their vehicle to get stuff. Fortunately, I slept through it.

So much for thinking that the rats and pigs wouldn’t hang together if I kept the rats out of the guinea pigs’ tube which I usually only give them when I’m sleeping. The rats were pissing it up on the very top level, so I washed it out and gave it back to the pigs, but sure enough, the rats quickly joined them. While it’s nice that they can get along, I had to separate the rats again because they were stealing too much food being the hoarders that they are. So they can’t live together. But it’s nice to know they can hang out together during cage cleanings.

Couldn’t find anything new to watch on Netflix other than the usual reality TV, documentaries and foreign shit with accents I’d rather not deal with and strange words with different meanings. What the hell is a “bonny” evening?

So I jumped back on Hulu since our 30 days aren’t up yet and watched a movie called Kidnap and it was very good. Not very realistic in some ways but good. Even though Hulu’s player sucks, if you watch something straight through, it’s okay. I would still like to find a mystery or drama series I haven’t seen that’s not a reality show or documentary of any kind WITHOUT any reference to God or racism. I’ve had enough of the religious and political crap.

Anyway, I’m pretty tired today because I slept shitty. Woke up warm a couple of times and then the fire truck that Tom told me went down to the end of the street woke me up when my earbud slipped out. Oh, how I miss the days of only needing to sleep with a box fan! But even if we were back in Phoenix with the acoustic sound-blocking shit we had in the master bedroom windows, it wouldn’t do me much good because box fans are so much quieter these days. Everything inside the home gets quieter while everything outside gets louder. So even if I wasn’t right on a busy street, they wouldn’t be enough. The best I can hope for in the next place is just needing Alexa to play white noise and being able to do away with the earbuds altogether. The only time I can skip out on them here is when I’m sleeping at night.

Really itchy down there today for some reason and I don’t know why. Something I ate?

TUESDAY, JANUARY 29, 2019 Day 1 of replacing the water pump is going well. Apparently, it’s buried so deep that he had to remove a lot of other parts in order to get to it. He said he would have been worried to find that it wasn’t broken after all but once he inspected it he could see that it’s clearly messed up.

I remember thinking how frustrated I would be if the doctors told me when I first went to one 5 years ago that everything was okay when I suspected I had either a dead thyroid or diabetes because then I would continue to wonder about my symptoms. How I would come to wish to hell that that’s exactly what they told me!

Anyway, he worked on and off for 4 hours and it should take him 2-3 hours to finish the project tomorrow.

Went out walking for the second day in a row but went by myself today. I saw Bob and Virginia sitting out front on what turned out to be a shorter walk than I planned on because it was sunnier than expected and I was a little warm in my long sleeves. So I doubled back and only Bob was there at the time. We chatted for a minute and then I saw him again when I went to pick up the mail. He was tweaking Virginia’s walker as they were preparing to go out for a quick walk. She can get around the house without it but just uses it for support when she’s out, Bob said.

I wrapped saran wrap around the upper level of the cage to help curb some of the bedding the pigs kick out when they get all playful and run around chasing each other like they love to do while chatting happily, but now that the rats can go up there, I’m a little worried that they’ll destroy the mesh once we get around to putting that on because they’re more destructive than guinea pigs.

The rats are strange. Not only are they horribly timid but they’re little kleptos who keep running up and down to steal food from the pigs when they have plenty of their own. The pigs can’t get down to the lower level and they have no interest in doing so anyway. They’re big and clumsy so going down the ramp at the angle it’s at would be extremely hard for them. But the rats, being the clever little bastards that they are, take food where the pigs can’t reach it.

What’s even stranger is that the pigs aren’t drinking water. They ignore their water bottle and they also ignore the bowl of water I placed in their cage in case they’d rather lap it up that way. I know they get plenty from all the lettuce they eat and they seem to be very healthy, but it’s still weird.

I couldn’t get into The Ted Bundy Files so I watched a crime documentary called Abducted in Plain Sight and OMG! The girl’s parents, who also got it on with the perp, weren’t just gullible and naive. They were downright stupid! They should be in jail for neglect, and damn the twisted system for not dealing with the perp decades sooner than they did.

“Nicole” gave Marie a piece of my mind as to how she wishes her luck but can’t deal with her rollercoaster moods, played with Stacey S for a bit, and told one of Maliheh’s friends that she owes Jodi an apology. LOL. I know. I’m bad. ;-( Asked Stacey if she’d gotten over her “crush” on Jodi.

No loud car today that I know of. Coincidence? I guess that remains to be seen.

I had a brief dream about Kathleen that I vaguely remember. She kept calling me Princess. Speaking of her, if she doesn’t call by April or May, and I certainly don’t expect her to… Why? Why do some people seem to really want to be your friend, ask for your number and then never call? I can see 20-somethings doing this, but a 65-year-old? Just wondering what’s in it for her and what she felt she got out of doing such a thing. Kathleen seems like the last person to do such a thing but then so did Stacey, even though she and I were in a totally different situation.

In another dream, I was with my mother in the first Longmeadow house we had. My mother’s whole demeanor seemed different. Instead of being the tense bossy bitch she would be, she seemed very mellow and relaxed.

There was a huge storm and after we were sitting upstairs in her room chatting for a while, I went downstairs to find that only the kitchen had flooded. There was about 4 feet of water but only in that room.

I ran back upstairs and told Mom that the storm was getting worse and she asked if I thought she should call to be evacuated by emergency workers. I told her to go ahead while I looked out the window at the other half a dozen houses on the dead-end street. All of them were pitch-dark except for one on the end. There were lights on in that house and I saw one window go dark.

The dream ended with me telling my mother that someone was home in that house.

MONDAY, JANUARY 28, 2019 I absolutely love my new garden fairy! She sure is heavy, too. When I was browsing similar items and looking at reviews where some people share photos of their purchases, there was a different fairy someone had painted. I thought wow, what a cool and fun idea! So I picked out a set of paints and brushes that will total $11. I’ll get it when I accumulate enough Bing points. Love this points game! I’m sure they’ll do away with it or make it much harder to get points now that I’m hooked on it. All good things come to an end. :-( For now, I’ll enjoy it while it lasts.

Carolyn did respond to my message and says she doesn’t think the car guy ever moved. Oh, I think he did for a while. When he’s here he comes and goes multiple times a day. He’s an obvious slacker with enabling parents. He always seems to be perfectly single too, and I bet I can guess why. Plus, there would be no car there in the middle of the night during the times I wasn’t hearing from him much.

Looked back in my journal. I thought he became a problem in January of 2016 but it was actually 2017. He moved out in November of that year and only recently returned as far as I can tell. Decided I’m not going to bother to pursue the matter, though, because that’s just how the world is no matter where you go these days. Adult communities have become very mainstream-ish that I’m surprised they even still exist. I may hate to hear it when he goes by but this is pretty much all I know and is what I’m used to. I honestly can’t imagine a quiet place! Besides, even if they did something about it, there would just be something else.

Written the following morning…

I ran over to the other side of the circle before midnight and was surprised to find the car wasn’t there. I was up past 1:00 so I would have heard it if it came in. Once again, I don’t know what to think. Haven’t heard it since I got up but I didn’t get up until 10:30. I’m sure I’ll hear it at some point. They’re obviously having insecurity issues and clinging to their parents who don’t seem to be in a hurry to wean the little bastard off.

I thanked Carolyn for getting back to me after I asked her how long after their complaint before the car disappeared and that’s when she told me she didn’t think he ever left. I’m home more than they are and up in the middle of the night half the time so I still think he did leave around the time we both complained.

I also said it was too bad this park wasn’t big on enforcing its own rules. She said she agreed… different rules for different people.

I wonder if she’s referring to how they got complained on for overgrown corner bushes while we didn’t when ours were a bit neglected. Just something I sense but can’t say for sure, not that it matters. But our place looks shitty most of the time because there are so many plants and so little time for Tom to tend to them that I’ve suspected she may not so much as resent us for it but maybe be a little annoyed. I think their biggest reasons for pulling back where I’m concerned is partly due to Ray’s mouth but mostly due to the fact that we’re very different. They’re conservatives with a different set of values and beliefs.

I finished Law & Order SVU on Hulu and am now done with them and their god-awful player. Saw a movie on Netflix last night called Deadly Switch and next, I’m going to check out The Ted Bundy Files. At least that shouldn’t be chock-full of references to race and racism. I still firmly believe that while some people are truly a victim of racism, the vast majority of complaints are either exaggerated or made up in a day and age when people know that playing the race card usually works and gets them what they want. I also think that sometimes it’s just pure paranoia because they have been shit on in the past that they sometimes think they’re being discriminated against when they’re not.

The worst thing going on right now is that Tom has to take the next two days off to fix the car. We’re falling so far into debt that he decided to spend $100 to fix it himself rather than take it in and spend $500. The thing is that you’re not supposed to work on vehicles here so we could end up getting complained about, though I’d say it’s unlikely. He’s done car work before and no one’s ever said anything. This is when it’s a good thing we’re in a park that doesn’t care what people do. There are pros and cons to being in a lenient park just like in a strict one.

Anyway, Tom is going to be replacing the water pump on the car. It’s now leaking so bad that none of the different stop-leak products he’s tried is helping and he doesn’t think it’s going to make it until next weekend. Hopefully, he’ll make it home okay! He’s got AAA if worse comes to worst. I hope not, though! We owe so much fucking money now that our tax return is going solely to bills. We may never get to vacation again while we’re here, but since we should be out of here in less than a decade, that’s okay since we’re going to end up in the kind of climate we would vacation in, anyway.

I also created a bogus Facebook account under a name I drew from a random name generator. I’ve already backed up my Revenge story there privately so all one of us has to do, depending on who goes when, is make them public and then tip off a few people.

My main reason for creating the account, though, is to see what my account looks like to those who are logged in and not on my friend list. They took away the ‘view as’ option because they found security issues with it. Tried logging out and saw virtually nothing. Says I have over 18K pictures now stored on there. That’s a lot!

“Anyone ever call you rude?” someone asked me on Ask right after I answered a question pertaining to race that I knew Aly would disagree with. I automatically thought it was from her but then Cam started answering questions and I could see that he got asked the same thing. Still could be her, though, trying to throw me off her scent.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 27, 2019 Sent my complaint anonymously to the office about the fucking punk that has been roaring in and out several times just in the three hours I’ve been up. They’ve got one week to get him out of here. When that fails to happen I will take things a step further. I asked the Twenties how long it took between their complaint and when he actually left but I have a feeling they’re going to ignore me again.

How fucking stupid can these people be, though? Why would they think they wouldn’t get kicked out again? Do they even care or do they actually like to make trouble for themselves? They’re just like the freeloaders in Arizona were, thinking that after they behave a while they’ll be able to get away with shit the second time around because people will either suddenly not mind or they’ll throw their hands up and say “fuck it.”

I’m tired of having to fight for peace every single fucking place I go!

The mesh for the cage arrived and it’s a really beautiful shade of pale pink. We’re going to look into what type of epoxy would be safe for the animals so we can secure the side guards to the pan. Still don’t know why they didn’t make the thing with sides to begin with. The problem is that they’re able to push bedding, hay and whatnot underneath the tiny gap between the pan and side guards which makes a mess. Wrapping the mesh around the base of their level will only prevent what they kick up when they run around from getting flung out.

The rats are proving to be horribly timid but I knew they would be.

My very heavy fairy came today, a day early, and she’s beautiful! Keeping her indoors while at this place.

The other night I dreamed I was at the beach I spent my summers at as a kid or at least a similar one. I was out walking around at night and marveling at how peaceful and quiet it was. The only thing I heard through an open window as I walked between cottages was the sound of a toilet flushing.

Last night’s dream was a little scary, though. I was watching a news report about a strange storm that actually sucked sea levels down about 50 ft. I was watching a clip of about 20 people who were stranded on a giant round rock way out at sea. I guess sea levels dropped in just a few minutes because they had originally been at the tip of it which was all that protruded from the water when the water level went down. Due to the shape of the rock, they couldn’t climb down to their boats. The scary part was watching someone lose their footing and go tumbling down the rock and then spiral into the water below. It seemed so real and vividly clear! Definitely the kind of dream that makes me wonder about other dimensions.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 26, 2019 Got our new 9-week-old male cinnamon hooded rats which I’ve named Fuzzy and Woody. I also chose their names from a random pet name generator, but they may earn themselves nicknames like Blitz earned the nickname Funny Face after I get to know them a while.

When we went into the store we were greeted by a very helpful young woman. The place stunk and my lungs were a little tight for a while, but I like this small chain better than PetSmart and Petco. They had female Berkshires, hoodies and also a hairless rat which is an absolute no-no. I hate hairless animals. I contemplated a Berkshire and a hooded but then she showed me the males. They consisted of cinnamon hoodies and white rats. At first, I was going to get a hooded and a white rat but while I put my hand in the cage and no one bit me even though they could have, the snowy rats were really timid. So we ended up with two cinnamon hoodies which are hard to tell apart, depending on the angle and lighting. I’m sure they’ll get easier to tell apart as they get bigger. When they’re side by side in good lighting it’s obvious that one is lighter than the other. That’s Fuzzy. Woody is the darker one.

The girl said they were from an accidental litter and very timid. They do indeed seem timid but I’ve come to learn and accept a long time ago that I’m just meant to have timid rats. Ever since Tinkerbell, that’s just the way it’s been with only a couple of exceptions. I’m sure they’ll get better with time and age but I don’t expect them to end up being some of the best rats we’ve ever had.

They’re adorably cute and it’s nice to have intelligent animals again. I hate the time, money, mess and smell but it’s worth it. The guinea pigs, rats and fish are all on different schedules. Nocturnal, “dayturnal” and “noturnal,” LOL.

We grabbed them some food, and on Amazon, we ordered a couple of large glass canisters for their food as well as some pale pink mesh that I plan to wrap around the base of the upper level where the pigs are to help cut down some of the mess they kick out.

We eventually plan to introduce the rats to the pigs to each other but want to give them a little time to get adjusted first.

It’s nice to know when they were born; November 27th. The big chains usually don’t have that info.

Said hello to both Geri and Bob on Friday as I was going to pick up the mail.

Still can’t say for sure whether or not the loud car guy lives here but I think so. He’s definitely got to go too, because I’m so fucking sick of hearing that thing. Like I don’t have enough loud vehicles to listen to as it is.

The Twenties haven’t responded to my message so I don’t know if it’s because they have something against me or they’re pissed at me for telling Ray off but I don’t care. I’m glad I reminded myself that I don’t hold back if I have something to say and that I said what I said to him. What was strange was that first he gave it a thumbs-up, then a thumbs-down, and then a thumbs-up again. I’m guessing that was by accident? It’s easy to do. Kind of surprised he didn’t block me.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to tell when those who aren’t on my friend list or following me see one of my public stories, after all. One story said, “3 Facebook Followers” and I’m assuming that means those who are following me but not on my friend list. Then again, Christiane is a follower who’s not on my list yet her name appeared so I don’t know if the 3 followers weren’t really followers or not. I’m not sure if you can follow someone on Facebook secretly or not. My guess is no.

Interestingly enough, a Dixie T showed up in the “people you may know” section and I immediately thought of the Dixie I recently met. If it’s her, she only has one friend who, coincidentally, lives in Loomis. The account appears to be new. She doesn’t even have a profile picture. Sent them a message, so we’ll see.

I forgot to mention that she said she doesn’t like it here either and agrees it’s noisy and she said she didn’t know she would have to have water delivered. I guess she doesn’t like the taste of the tap water either. We just get bottled water.

Yesterday was a bit of a rough day because my heart was surprisingly racy. It raced on and off for most of the day, spiking between 110-115. It was very uncomfortable and even a little scary. I can see where the anxious feeling in my chest may not be connected to the medication, but I sure wonder about the racing heart. We know for a fact that it has affected my heart before for sure so I’m skipping my meds all weekend, placebo effect or not. Again, if it works, I’m going to do what helps whether it’s just a placebo or not. I’ve definitely been better today either way.

Tom told me about some ideas he has for his game but still doesn’t know when it’s going to be available in the App Store. He’s basically going to start with a simple matching game and each one will have a different theme.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 25, 2019 Part of me wishes I’d never told Aly I found her other Twitter account. This way I could always know what she was really thinking about me. I shouldn’t care as I have to be me, but I’m curious just the same. I’m sure I’ve said a million things by now that offend her that she doesn’t have the heart to tell me directly.

Although it will be a lot later when I finish this entry, right now it’s not even 10 and traffic has been annoying as hell. No loud car yet today, though, and boy do I have an interesting update where that’s concerned!

Yesterday I went out to dump some trash and saw Jon and Carolyn doing what they do best… Working in their yard. They were quiet about it, though, and their yard looks lovely compared to ours. Almost everyone’s does, LOL.

As usual, I did most of my talking with Jon. Carolyn isn’t as chatty as he is. At least not with me, anyway. That’s cool because I like Jon better. He has a good sense of humor. Those without at least some humor are boring. First I was telling him about losing the rats and getting guinea pigs and how we’re thinking of getting a couple of new rats. Then I asked if he noticed the increase in commercial planes over the last few months and he said not really but what’s pissing him off is the loud car (he pointed towards the back of the circle), saying he’s underaged and all that. That’s when I was like OMG, so I’m not alone on that one? I’m not the only one who’s incredibly annoyed by that insanely loud car, underaged or not?

He said he once complained a couple of years ago and every time he hears him roaring out at 6:30 in the morning as he did for several mornings, he thinks of filing another formal complaint.

I told him I complained anonymously online a couple of years ago and he disappeared shortly afterward leaving me to think it was either an interesting coincidence or they actually took my complaint seriously. He said they won’t do anything about whatever you complain about if you call or email them and that you have to fill out an official form and have it witnessed and all that. Then maybe it was him that got the cock booted and not me. Either way, I was relieved when the scumbag finally left, although it would be nice if he stopped coming in every single fucking day whether he’s living here or not.

Jon said something about a new legislature that was passed that will cause anyone who gets complained on to be fined or something like that. He’s sure he’s living here again and I thought that a couple of times as well but now I’m not so sure. Yesterday morning I never heard him. I only heard and saw him when I was talking to Dixie, which I’ll get to in a little bit, at around 3. Then the bastard left a couple of hours later. Haven’t heard him yet today, but since I suspect he’s working again, I’m sure he’ll show up later on.

After filling Tom in on our discussion I told Jon and Carolyn on Facebook that I was ready to complain along with them and we could witness each other’s complaints. But this morning I told them that as annoyed as I am with the damn thing coming in every day, I’m not so sure they’re living here. If they were, it was only for a very brief time. Haven’t heard back from them yet.

He said the woman that lives there is Melody and she has a bad attitude, but her husband Al pretty much goes along with her shit and all that. The son is either a loser who’s a slacker and mooching off of them and the parents are enablers or that is one seriously devoted son. Somehow I doubt it’s the latter. Those are the kinds of parents that would either encourage or at least put up with their kids having such loud vehicles, which is all about forcing attention and acknowledgment on others. I don’t need a BA in psychology to get that it’s all about bad attention being better than no attention as far as they’re concerned. I don’t know if this cock is narcissistic or feels neglected and that’s why he’s an asshole but he doesn’t seem to be neglected by his parents so I’m guessing he’s just a conceited little punk that thinks everyone owes him and that doesn’t give a shit about others. He has absolutely no respect and consideration for others and I’m not surprised that he has appeared to be perfectly single since he first became a problem 3 years ago. Some people actually like to annoy others.

He also said something about how the house briefly going up for sale twice and being pulled off the market was some kind of ruse to make money. Not sure how that would make money but I thought they pulled it off because they were greedy and couldn’t get what they wanted.

Whatever the case is, it’s sad that this park doesn’t give a shit and won’t reinforce its rules. They’re letting their fucking mutt come and go through a doggie door, which isn’t allowed here, and I wish someone would confiscate it and turn it over to Animal Control. I haven’t seen it in ages and it’s not like it barks outside our place so that’s not my main problem with them. My problem is they’ve had underaged people living with them two or three times and one of them is intruding upon my peace. If they want to live like they’re in the mainstream, then why did they come here?

Really wonder how many complaints it would take before they got kicked out. Couldn’t help thinking of Tammy’s park. If what she told me is true and not exaggerated in any way, then they wouldn’t stand a chance there and would have been booted a long time ago.

I told him that although I haven’t heard it recently, the other thing that pisses me off is the motorcycle that sometimes comes tearing in and out in the middle of the night that I thought was on the dead-end behind us, but he says he thinks it’s coming from the house that the contractor lived in which is next to the loud car house, as I call it.

Now here’s what he told me that I don’t like and that totally fucking figures. I told Tom this would happen, too. They’re getting quotes for putting up a garage, so that’s something I’ll have to listen to for the two or three days it takes to install a single-car garage. I hope to hell it doesn’t wake me up if I’m on nights when they do it!

I learned why they’re such project junkies and that’s that they’re trying to up the value of their home. I thought they were going to be here forever, but as Jon said, that won’t be the case unless he gets hit by another truck and doesn’t make it, haha. Let’s hope not!

Tom and I never saw the point in spending money just to get the money back so that’s why we’re not going to worry about upping the value of this place since it all evens out in the end either way.

They’re a little too project-happy but otherwise really nice people and I hope that the fact that I just sent Ray a piece of my mind won’t offend them. I left a message on my wall saying that I mean absolutely no disrespect to anyone who may be friends with anyone I don’t especially care for (without naming names) but needed to get some things off my chest. I was going to wait until we moved but since the guy is probably well into his 80s, I can’t guarantee he’ll be alive to hear it at that time. Besides, it’s my right to speak my mind, and I can’t always worry about how others are going to take things. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do and not worry about others. I swore long ago that I would never let anyone hold me back or intimidate me from saying anything I have to say. So yeah, I told him that whatever he said to Jon and Carolyn (and who knows who else) was wrong. If he had a problem with me, whatever it was, he should have come to me. Don’t know what his grudge was and I don’t care but I fucking can’t stand gossipmongers.

There’s a woman named Dixie now living in Mouth’s place. She’s a slender woman with dark eyes, bad breath, and teeth too perfect to be real. Seems really nice, though. Not sure if it’s just her or not but she pulled up to me in her SUV as I was returning from talking with Jon across the street and asked if I had the code to the gate. At least I thought that’s what she was asking me at first. She gave me her number and I called and left a message saying that I checked in my purse but didn’t have the code. I Skyped Tom and he said he had it written down in the car, and as I also told her in my voice message, he couldn’t just run out and get it so she would probably have to go to the office. I said I didn’t drive so I had no use for the code myself.

Then she came by again when Tom was just pulling in and what she really needed was help with was programming her clicker. Tom told her that ours is programmed right into the car. Dixie then thanked us and said to let her know if I needed to go anywhere and that she could drive us around wherever. That was really nice of her.

Could have used that kind of kindness when I was single once upon a whole different lifetime ago. The only one plenty willing to give me rides back then was Nervous, who was in my dreams last night. As I got older and maturer, I came to feel bad for using him for rides like I did even though I think it’s safe to say he got payment enough for it just with the time he got to spend with me. Anyway, I went out to a restaurant with him, Fran and Andy in last night’s dream and we stay there late. Eventually, he got up and told me he needed to go because he couldn’t be up that late and I gave him a hug goodbye, realizing it was after midnight.

I also met a woman named Elaine who moved in down by where Dixie is. If it’s the house I think it is, they have a loud SUV. It’s not quite as loud as the car but it’s annoying enough. Hell, even FedEx is blasting music when they come around. I swear the world only gets louder and louder. Even read an article recently about how the world is getting noisier and even hospitals aren’t as quiet as they used to be. Yeah, I believe it. I can just imagine how libraries have become as well.

I swear Elaine started to say something like, “My only complaint…” And then she turned toward the back corner of our place before someone distracted her by waving to her so I don’t know what she was going to say. I don’t know if it was about us or something in back of the house or what.

I said hello to Bob the other day and he said Virginia is getting stronger day by day.

Didn’t know this till now but I love how Facebook shows who views our public stories. Definitely going to share more things publicly since that’s interesting to see but mostly cuz I’m curious to see if the drama queen shows up.

After 110 calories and 25 minutes on the treadmill, I had to get off because I was getting light-headed. Yesterday I felt a little wound up like I might be flaring and my heart was doing triple digits. I feel slightly jittery today but nothing too serious and hopefully it will stay that way. But what I did feel was the kind of feeling I’d get before the meds become a problem. God, I hope I’m not heading in that direction, but I haven’t had the chest “stabbers” in several days.

I’m excited about tomorrow! I called around and found that Incredible Pets in Sacramento has a bunch of young rats of both genders. Hoping for my favorite, a cinnamon ratty, but I like all rats as long as they’re not hairless.

The other day I also had a dream about “walking” some strange bus with a group of people, including Mariska Hargitay. I had my own house and lived alone. We’d gone somewhere for the day as a group and were about to drop everyone off. The bus didn’t look like anything you’d see in real life. It was much smaller and had wheels in the center of it sort of like inline skates. Because we were in a crowded area I said I thought we should walk the bus toward the main road where it was less crowded. So we all carefully walked it like you would a bike towards a less populated area and I thought of how I would thank Mariska for being there for me when I got dropped off. I guess she and I had a personal chat during the day.

Another dream I remember from last night was being out somewhere walking late at night. I came upon a store that was being burglarized. I knew it had been broken into and that some guy was ripping them off not just because it was after hours but because he had a funny mask on his face that sort of resembled a pig. He spotted me and I froze. Then I sprinted away and began to run like hell through a grid of streets. Pretty sure someone else had been someone close getting into their car and also witnessed the guy, so I was hopeful that the thief’s attention would be on him instead.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 24, 2019 On the treadmill right now as I do this entry which will start off with the usual complaint… Noise. OMG, I heard 5 planes in just 10 minutes when I timed it, one of them being a small plane. The mornings are absolutely horrible! Didn’t seem as bad yesterday but this morning it was one after another for over an hour.

It seems that since he started working at this place we’ve been compensated for all the years we struggled financially, not that we’re not still in debt. I wish to hell I could believe I’ll be compensated for the health horror I’ve gone through here with nothing serious for a good long time and also compensated with spending our final years in a wonderfully peaceful, beautiful home.

But almost all my adult life has been spent dealing with noise so that one is really hard to hope for. If it’s true, though, that the more noise I have to deal with now means the more peace I get later on, then that is going to be one seriously peaceful place we’ll end up in! I still have my doubts because almost anywhere you go these days is noisy. Even if we don’t have all these planes overhead, we’re still going to get traffic, landscaping and other shit. It’s like I’m always compensated for what is lacking in that particular area. I don’t have barking and screaming kids here so it’s like it must be made up for with other shit. So even if we ended up where traffic and landscaping were less of an issue, that could mean more planes and more problem neighbors happily sawing away with their power tools and whatever other toys of annoyance they may possess. Our neighbor would be the one, like Tammy, to have their mutt barking out the door of their lanai. It’s like there’s always something.

Maybe if we do get close to any body of water, the main source of noise will be boats. I was looking at a home for sale by a canal in Florida and I would think that boats run up and down it regularly and that some would be audible enough. Obviously, large ships couldn’t pass through it but other things could. We hope to have our own boat at some point but don’t know what kind it will be, be it an inboard motor, outboard, whatever. It’s different when things are your own, though, because you have control over your own stuff. I can’t tell those with loud vehicles not to ride by the bedroom tonight because I’ll be asleep.

As for all the planes here, I can’t get anyone to listen to me much less to do anything about it. No matter how much I tweet to the airport or file online complaint forms, I am ignored.

Surprisingly, I haven’t heard the loud car yet today but it came and went early yesterday morning and then in the afternoon, as usual. When they came in around 3 and still hadn’t left by 6, I was again getting worried that they moved back in, but they left shortly after that.

Again, that is one devoted son! Or is the correct word clingy? We’re living in strange times, that’s for sure. Everyone’s quick to preach independence… Get your own place, get your own job, get your own vehicle, get your own everything. Yet kids are living with their parents older and older these days. Used to be everybody left home at 18 like I did and visited their parents once a week or less, and it isn’t when they leave home or how often they visit I have a problem with, it’s me having to know about it that bothers me. I don’t force my noise on others and I just wish I could get the same fucking respect. Hope the punk with the loud car has someone at home when they leave, even though I suspect they’re single. What a great way to announce your departure to potential burglars! Same thing I thought about the welfare bums blasting in and out with their fucking car stereos in Pheonix.

Something occurred to me earlier in regards to the mutt that would be barking its ass off two or three times a day when it would be out walking. It occurred to me that I haven’t heard it in a while. I don’t know if that’s because it was in one of the houses that moved or something happened to it, but it makes me wonder if my influencing had anything to do with it disappearing. I mean, what are the odds of the thing suddenly disappearing given how long dogs live? There are too many loud vehicles these days for me to influence them all but it gives me a little bit of hope then I can get rid of some of them. It definitely does seem like while I can’t actively wish them away, the anger and frustration I feel as they continue to annoy me seems to affect them.

“Blame the brown people,” a Mexican character said on Law & Order SVU when the cops came to his door. Then Ice T pointed out he was just as brown.

LOL, nice try, asshole. But sadly, this degree of race card playing doesn’t happen only on TV.

They weren’t kidding when they said that potatoes aggravate LS. Wanting to use up the rest of the potatoes before they went bad, and knowing how much Tom loves them, I made mashed potatoes and they came out so damn good with the perfect balance of margarine, milk and garlic salt that I ate tons of it. I paid later on with itching and especially with burning. If it weren’t for Tucks I’d be lost! This was after doing well enough for a few days that I didn’t need to Tucks myself like I usually do at the end of my day so I don’t wake up itching.

Everything is bad for me somehow. Everything. It’s frustrating as hell because now I can’t just shop for whatever when ordering groceries and it makes things harder. I have to avoid potatoes, canned soup, frozen pizza, greasy foods, and things high in cholesterol and sodium. I rarely eat bread and not much pasta either.

Walmart really fucked up the last two orders by getting things wrong and being out of stock on a lot of things. They’re very irresponsible. Safeway isn’t perfect but I think next time around I’ll order from them. Will focus mostly on fish, fruits and veggies.

I really should try once again to get some weight off not for appearance’s sake but for better health, and mobility, and of course my clothes would fit better too. But how? HOW??? Older people have slower metabolisms with or without thyroid disease and it takes so few calories to maintain and even fewer to lose. If most of us could simply stand the hunger for so long, then most of us wouldn’t be fat. I even prided myself on being one of the “smarter” ones who long since stopped bothering to try as I’m A, not likely to succeed, and B, not likely to maintain that success should I succeed in the first place by some miracle. But sometimes I wish I could lose even just 15 pounds or so. It isn’t only the hunger that prevents me from bothering but I worry about my medication as well.

Now why did my shoelaces come untied? Got to stop this thing and tie it.

Okay, that’s 16 minutes I’ve done so far. I wish this thing had a pause button so the counter wouldn’t start over.

Once again we’re contemplating getting rats for the lower level of the cage. The only negatives to that would be that it would up my responsibilities because rats take more time and care than guinea pigs with the way they like to run around loose and the way they’re attention whores that are much more social than guinea pigs. The pigs would probably like running loose as well but they’re not nearly as smart and I would have a hard time getting them back. A rat will return to his house eventually on his own. Even if the guinea pigs weren’t so stupid, they’re on the upper level so they couldn’t just go home. Gotta admit their stupidity is kind of cute, though. They’re dumb in a silly way. The only thing they know is to squeak for food.

The rats would need to be downstairs so they could come and go. Rats are also notorious pissers that would go about marking their so-called territory and are smart enough to figure out how to get into shit I don’t want them getting into. Ever since having to remove the side paneling between the dishwasher and the cabinet under the sink, there has been a little opening in which even an adult rat might be able to wiggle through and we definitely don’t want them getting back there. The clever little shits could probably figure out a way around whatever we put there to try to block it.

But even though it would be more work, time and money, I can’t imagine not having rats until we get a dog and if we do, it won’t be till he retires because I can’t always be available during the daytime to take it out. With a dog, I doubt I’d want anything else but maybe a betta.

Just did a little research and rats should actually be able to live with the guinea pigs so they can go up and down both levels of the cage. The pigs will probably just stay on the top but there will be water bottles on both levels if they don’t. I watched an adorably cute video of them interacting with each other and then I remembered that I have seen videos of them together in the past. I don’t know about putting adult rats with them but if the rats are babies to begin with then there shouldn’t be a problem. We’ll try it, assuming there are any left in the state. It seems everyone’s either out of them or no longer sells them.

Hopping off the TM at 20 minutes. Will walk more later.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 23, 2019 Training these dumb but cute pigs as best I can but here’s a clear example of the difference between their bravery and Butterboy’s. Butterboy’s no longer scared of the colorful duster when I’m dusting the area by his tank. Meanwhile, the pigs will keep running from the same old shit no matter how many hundreds of times they see it proves to be harmless.

Since these guys are kicking up enough shit onto the floor even with the cardboard walls we created, I decided to remove them and just vacuum the area every other day or so. I saved the pieces of cardboard in case we decide to put them back but I figured that if they’re going to make so much of a mess anyway, why block the flow of air to the air cleaner when they can have better ventilation and we can see them better this way, too?

I gave Funny Face, as I’ve been calling Blitz, extra attention today since he’s way more skittish than Rockefeller.

Since they can’t climb like a rat can, I lowered the shelf which lowered the ramp as well. Even a feeble guinea pig should be able to navigate the ramp with the way I’ve got it set up. The question is whether or not they’ll want to. I “showed” them how to do it.

Well, apparently Rockefeller wants to because he’s up there now, so I just saw, in the tube that I put there. I was hesitant to leave anything they could hide in inside the cage all the time because I thought that would make them more skittish if they could cower in a hideaway all the time rather than have to get used to being more exposed. For now, I’ll leave it like it is. They only have a hideaway on the shelf, not downstairs.

What is it with guinea pigs and raspberries, though? Guinea pigs eat fruit but for some reason, raspberries are an absolute no-no for them.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 22, 2019 “My dear devoted son, thank you for checking in on us twice a day like you have been for a while now and enjoying being fed while you were at it. But we’re two grown adults perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves just like you are. You don’t need to check on us twice a day or more and you can afford to feed yourself with your job. Get out there and enjoy life while you’re young and you still can instead of hanging onto your parents. Meet somebody and do some fun and interesting things in your free time. It may be hard at first but now it’s time to wean you off of us and get you more independent.”

How I wish the mother of the fucking loud car cock would say this! But just like I knew it would, it returned for free food and whatever else it could get in the middle of the afternoon yesterday. It’s in getting free breakfast right now because God forbid it should dare to make its own with its own food paid for with its own money for however many weeks or months they work this time around. It’s in later today, though, and I’m guessing it’s going to leave any second now and then it will be back at the end of my day.

They’re far from the only annoyance here. The planes were absolutely horrible yesterday and there is plenty of other loud traffic. Today I’ve got the sound machine that I sleep with because I just don’t want to hear it. They weren’t just roaring overhead in the morning but in the afternoon as well. Two tweets to Sac Intl have gone ignored as did my other complaints. They just don’t give a shit who they annoy. The sound machine I have going now is pretty loud yet I can still make out the faint rumble of planes. If I didn’t know they were there I probably wouldn’t notice but since I do it does stand out.

Skipped my meds today because I was a little wound up yesterday. Placebo effect or not, if it works, it works, and I’ll fucking sit and pick my nose on YouTube all day if that’s what it took to keep that horrible feeling away!

There are at least two women that I know of running for president and one of them is a black woman. Or maybe she’s mulatto since she looks “barely” black. She’s fairly decent looking for her age and when I did a quick Wiki check on Kamala Harris, I thought she would be great for the country regardless of gender/race. She’s from Cali, married, a year older than me, no kids, and seems to stand for everything Tom and I stand for… equality, freedom of choice, etc.

Do I think she stands a chance? No, because she’s a woman and we live in a country where women love men and men love men. But then I think yes, because she’s black or at least part black and even if some people won’t admit it or can’t see it, I still see every indication to believe that most people in the US do favor blacks. I totally believe that’s why Obama was elected.

But then I would have said both yes and no to someone like Trump as well. Yes, because it’s got a dick between its legs. No, because he’s a hater and the only thing that still gets a lot of hate in this country are gays and lesbians.

I asked Tom if he thought Trump will get reelected and he said he has no idea. People are crazy and you never know what crazy will do, he said. Oh, I totally agree!

Tom deposited Campbell’s check on the phone which was just so cool! He forgot to check this morning to verify if it went through but it seems like it did. I reminded him to check when he gets home even though I suppose I could check. It’s just that I’m so shitty with numbers that we’ve always let him handle the finances. Just like I handle the housework because his idea of dusting is very different than mine, LOL. I told him when he retires I’ll keep cleaning and he can cook for us.

Now I don’t know if I’m going to get another period or not. I would still think that sooner or later I’ll get one but it’s like my body tried and tried really hard to kick one off and it couldn’t quite do it. Therefore, the PMS symptoms have backed off. They’re not completely gone but they have lessened.

Hulu’s player really sucks. It doesn’t remember where we left off and has other tech issues. He said that when he tried using it in Microsoft Edge on his Windows computer he heard only the music and sound effects but no voices.

Last night I dreamed I was out in the living room working at my desk and the return vent was closer to the desk than to the couch. I looked down at it and saw a mouse peering up at me and thought that I’d have to tell Aly that it was now my time to need a glue board. The mouse, however, seemed bigger, fatter and braver, like it was a pet mouse. I reached for my phone to take a picture of its adorable face peeking through the grille, but all my phone did was play a recording of prank phone calls I’d made 30 years ago during which the mouse managed to pull itself up into the room and disappear somewhere.

MONDAY, JANUARY 21, 2019 What’s the point of playing white noise through noise-canceling headphones when you can still hear loud vehicles loud and clear? sighs with frustration At least they’re good for planes and landscaping and moderately loud vehicles. The insanely loud ones, including motorcycles, can’t be drowned out unless I blast white noise or music super loud.

At just after 6 this morning the loud car came in and then left a few minutes later. What’s the punk going to do when its parents are no longer around to run to 50 times a day? They fucking came and went as early as 7:15 yesterday morning to around when I crashed in the early afternoon. One time they turned around and came right back like they forgot something. It does look like they may have gotten a job to be coming in this early on weekdays and not returning until later in the afternoon, but I wish they would get more of a life once and for all! My God, get a girlfriend, get a boyfriend, have a kid, get in a fucking fight with your parents and disown them for all I care…just do something to prevent yourself from spending so much of your free time here! Do you want to be a slacker and a loser all your life?

Cock probably feels rejected in general and therefore the type that would compensate by forcing its attention on others through other means, e.g. loud vehicles. I’m surprised they don’t blast music too, but someone has been lately and I’m wondering if it’s whoever moved into the house next to Jim.

I tried doing my influencing thing by imagining the car going faster and faster with the cock unable to control it and then sending it crashing into a concrete wall or something but I’ve never been able to actively make something happen. It’s always when I least expect it that my emotions cause either negative or positive effects on something or someone. It’s kind of like with the dream premonitions. I can’t control what I dream about that may ultimately end up coming true.

If a couple of dreams meant anything, though, then we’re out of here in September of 2020 but I honestly can’t see us leaving until he retires and he can’t possibly retire by then. On his next birthday, we can get a sense of what we could get if he retired early but he almost certainly is going to need to work until full retirement.

Had anxiety yesterday for 4-5 hours and hoping for a better day today. It may only be a placebo effect, but I didn’t wait long after taking my meds to have my coffee. So far so good. Made sure to tap more often and hit the treadmill after I showered and ate. Burned about 152 calories in just over a half-hour. I also did some Bowflex exercises.

At around 8, the planes should be dying down for the next 12 hours, though I still hear some scattered flights throughout that time. I’ll do some cleaning then too, so I can play Alexa “everywhere” without the rumbling of planes. Or at least without as many. I tweeted a piece of my mind to Sac Airport but I’m sure I’ll be ignored just like the 2 online complaints I filled out were.

Last night I dreamed that I wanted to stop dying my hair so I dyed it gray so that the gray growing out would be less noticeable. In reality, I think it would be just as noticeable because I still have a lot of brown in my gray.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 20, 2019 Campbell’s did make good on their word after all and sent me a $20 check. I was surprised. I really thought I would just get coupons or something like that.

We decided on Saturdays we would change the pigs’ cage and we would replace half of the fish’s water on Sundays.

I gave the pigs some tubes to hide in which they love, of course. But I don’t want them to always have places to run and hide and be less and less used to having us walk up to them in their cage so I make a point of removing the tubes when I’m awake. They can hide in there when I’m sleeping.

Because they’re so dissimilar in so many ways, it’s hard to believe guinea pigs and rats are related. But if it’s got two upper teeth and two lower teeth, it’s classified as a rodent.

I was glad to read some good news for once and that’s that they’re going to bring back Unsolved Mysteries on Netflix. I was really into that show in the 90s. I assume it will be with all new cases, of course.

Went to Sam’s yesterday morning and today we’ll be going to get some car parts and other places as well.

The year was 2020 in my dream and we were moving. I told someone who asked when we moved in that we moved in in 2013 as we did in real life. Only we were leaving a dumpy 2nd-floor apartment. Not this house. :( Still hope it means something as well as the dream I had where we moved in the month of September. I don’t see how we could move before he retires, though.

I also had some kind of dream that involved returning from vacation with my parents. It had been a fun vacation but I was glad to be home.

My mother was talking to some woman about a blog they had as Dad and I unpacked. The woman was saying something about being worried it would be shut down. Right as my mother went to tell her that all she had to do was claim a family member used it too, to prevent it from being shut down, I informed her of this as well.

Then Tom and I were going to bed in a hotel room when he plopped down on the bed and fell asleep as quickly as his head hit the pillow. I looked at him and said, “I guess I’ll take that side then,” and headed to the other side of the bed. As I walked around the foot of the bed I could see several large monitors on the wall by the head of the bed. I knew they had to do with entertainment and internet access for the guests.

Then I had a dream I had just stepped out the back door of either a house or an apartment with a woman who was a lot taller than me. She seemed to be someone who was more than a friend too.

Suddenly, we heard some guys’ voices that had entered the front that we might have known. The woman immediately put a hand over my mouth and moved me along with her to the side of the door so we could eavesdrop on what was being said without being seen.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 19, 2019 After reading that earaches caused by earbuds can be due to compressed wax, I doused my ear with alcohol and peroxide. It worked, too. No earaches in either ear so nothing woke me up since I could use the earbuds. :-) Still getting backaches, though.

A car came in with music loud enough to hear and drove into the circle and past Bob and Virginia after 11. Adult communities definitely aren’t what they used to be. I remember Al saying they had the door open all day and didn’t hear a sound when they were clearing his sister out. Well, he’d certainly hear things here at night with the door closed.

I heard a few planes since getting up at 10:30 but OMG, the planes drove me crazy yesterday morning for about an hour and a half. Ironically enough, there has been less of the loud car since the planes are back to the usual shit they’ve been up to since September. It still came in but it was later in the morning and only stuck around for a few minutes.

Anyway, finally fed up with all the planes and curious to know why they’ve been flying over us so much these last few months, I called the airport and was given another number to call. When I called the number, a recorded voice came on saying to give them the number of the aircraft I was complaining about. Now how the hell am I supposed to know the numbers of all these aircrafts? I suppose that’s their method of deterring complaints and having to deal with them. I’ve complained online twice but was ignored both times. So yeah, they’re going to do what they’re going to do and they don’t want to hear any complaints about it.

Amazingly, the cream I got is doing wonders for my rash. I was surprised to notice a difference after just one use.

Aly said she finally solved the mystery of Kim being yelled at for going up and down the stairs on one leg. It isn’t that she’s hopping up and down on one foot but she’s holding the railing with one hand while dragging one foot along the way. I would still think she would be way too heavy to do that and that it would be rather awkward. Why would anyone want to do that? What’s even stranger is that she claims her doctor told her it was normal. I think Kim is just totally beyond delusional as hell. Always has been. Always will be.

Someone asked Aly on Ask how long her longest relationship was and she said 2 years. She told me 9 months. Maybe she was just too embarrassed to admit it if the answer she gave me was the truth.

She tweeted about Cam’s family getting together at some mosque and then creating a Jewish-Muslim lunch or something. I knew her BF was Jewish but is he also Muslim? Or perhaps he’s got relatives that are Muslim? Either way, I’d love to see her tell them she’s bisexual and see how fast they turn against her like the Muslim family she was a nanny for did. She doesn’t want to believe that most of them are very hateful and intolerant, if not deadly. No matter how many news reports there are of them killing by the masses and even their own family members for loving the “wrong” person, she always defends him. I guess that’s simply our politically correct society for you. I just would have thought she would be intelligent enough to see their true colors but if she can’t see Molly’s, why would she see theirs?

FRIDAY, JANUARY 18, 2019 When I was checking out the islands of Long Island Sound that I could just make out along the horizon from the beach we spent our summers at as a kid, one of them was Little Gull Island. It’s only an acre from what I read and the only thing I could see on it from Google Maps was a lighthouse. I remember the foghorn we would hear from time to time. I wonder if it was coming from there. Can the sound of a foghorn travel seven or eight miles? From the looks of it, that’s how far that Island is from Old Colony Beach.

I saw a 30-minute video shot by someone who I guess was rowing toward the island and was surprised to see several seals on the island’s rocky shores. I was like, seals? Seals? I don’t remember ever seeing a single seal at the beach but maybe they avoid people and stick to the islands that are out of the way and uninhabited. They’re so cute either way.

Thank you, God, for continuing to curse my sleep, if You even exist. And why? Because I don’t have to get up to an alarm 5 days a week? Is this your compensation for not having to do that?

Yeah, I pulled the earbuds out in the late afternoon because my ear was irritated again. I would feel this sharp cramp-like sensation, maybe due to the pressure or something. It was okay when not lying on that ear but I tend to do that quite a bit. Over the years I got in the habit of not lying on my bad ear, thanks to my parents who I wish I could resurrect long enough to beat the shit out of for having the so-called “professionals” mess with that ear so they could have a “normal” daughter. Really, why did the doctors agree to such a thing? How could they have possibly felt it would help me as they claimed? Well, it’s done anything but that because I’m also feeling these intermittent sharp cramp-like sensations on that side too, only it’s on the outside. What’s left of the outside has been a little more sensitive lately and I don’t know why. I guess too much nerve damage from all the surgery I was forced to have as a kid. It looks horrible and is definitely noticeable. It’s changed shape as the lower part of it “withered” and “sunk” after the frame was removed there’s no way I can wear earrings because that lobe is higher than the other one and they make earrings look lopsided. Some of the dangling ones aren’t as noticeable but for the most part, earrings are out of the question.

Anyway, that fucking car woke me up and shorted my sleep by about an hour or so. I’m not overly tired but I am going to take the day off from working out, anyway. Can’t swear that it really was that car since there are tons of loud vehicles these days, but I’d say it’s a pretty good guess. It’s insanely loud and has a very distinct sound.

sighs with frustration How much longer can I just shrug and tell myself that that’s just life? Sooner or later I’m going to get fed up enough to do something about some of these people who feel the need to get attention at my expense whether they realize they’re doing it or not. Okay, so the damn cock can’t possibly know he’s waking up a light sleeper who can’t keep a schedule. But does that really make it okay? Does he being the norm and me being the exception make it acceptable?

While I’m slowly getting more and more fed up and unable to adapt for whatever reason, I can’t help but wonder…is this bastard also compensation of sorts? Has something up there increased his visits since the commercial planes have backed off? Well, I would rather the planes even though they were way more frequent because they didn’t wake me up. This fucker is going to shorten the number of days/nights I can go without the earbuds since he’s apparently stopping in for breakfast and then dinner at the end of the day. I don’t get this at all either. It’s working now but it can’t afford to buy its own food and cook its own fucking meals?

When I would go to bed at around midnight, I could go without the earbuds because traffic didn’t usually get loud until around 8 at which time I would usually be up by having crashed around midnight. But with this fucker coming in at a quarter to 6 in the morning and leaving between 8 and 9 at night, this means I have to sleep with the earbuds more often and irritate my ear some more. It’s either suffer the pain or get woken up. Again, it’s like something up there is causing the pain and may as well yank the earbud out of my ear and shout, “No! If I wanted you to sleep, I wouldn’t have made you such a light sleeper and curse you further with CRD!”

So today I’m a little tired and trying not to beat my head in the wall over the fact that this is the way it’s always going to be. It’s just not likely to get any quieter anytime soon. Probably not in our lifetime anyway, and I can’t beat the shit out of every driver of every loud vehicle. Also, if we ever do have a place on a less traveled street with a bedroom further from that street, since all it takes is one vehicle to ruin a good night’s sleep, that’s years away from now.

Yesterday my lungs were tight enough to have to use my inhaler and for a moment I worried it was related to my medication even though I knew it wasn’t and that it was due to all the rain. I also worried I wouldn’t be able to handle Florida with how much it rains there but Tom thinks I’d be okay because it doesn’t go back and forth so much there like it does here in the winter. I hope he’s right and that it’s not the pigs either! I also doubt it’s the meds because I don’t have other symptoms along with it like I would in the past. No “mindfuckers,” jitteriness, runs, or weight loss. Oh no, just the opposite. I’m up a couple of pounds and hoping it’s just water. My boobs aren’t as sore but I still feel PMSy. Backaches and a little water retention. I’m hungrier, too.

Tom says that since he can’t cut back he’s going to start working out big time to see if he can lose weight that way. The only problem is, as I told him, there aren’t enough minutes in the day for him to work out that much! LOL

I burn about 200 calories if I walk an hour. Therefore, I would have to walk 2-6 hours a day to “trick” my body into thinking I had only 1000 calories. Not going to happen. Besides, it doesn’t quite work that way. When we first moved in here, I was doing those 90-minute HIIT routines that are supposed to burn 1000 calories and that didn’t do me any good. So since I can’t cut back either or spend half the day on the treadmill even if it did work that way, I realize my only hope is to “play the scale.” My average daily gain is 2-3 pounds but I have to be up no more than 1 pound in order to be down the next day. My average sleep loss is just over a pound. So I would have to eat when I was ready to as usual at the beginning of my day but then I couldn’t eat again until the scale fell back to where I was only up 1 pound since getting up which can take many hours. The only tricky part is knowing when to stop eating for the day so I have enough time for my weight to fall to where I’m only up a pound when I crash. I doubt I’ll do this, though, as it still requires going hungry most of the time and ending up lightheaded and grumpy. Besides, extra weight goes with most older mammals as does gray hair, worsening vision and a whole lot of other bullshit. Exercising is still a good thing no matter what we weigh.

I’ve been having more sodium lately and it’s reflecting in my blood pressure numbers so I’m definitely going to focus on that, which is much more doable.

Because I sometimes still use the skier even though I don’t use it nearly as often as the treadmill, we might get this flexible phone holder that you attach to the edge of a table or a shelf. The desk is right by it so I could attach it to that or part of the skier itself for when I want to go ski blogging. It would also be good for in bed as I could attach it to the headboard shelf. The skier is what I mostly want it for, though.

Also found a blood pressure monitor wrist cuff that also detects irregular heartbeats. I’m curious to see if it ever detects one these days.

Definitely not impressed with Hulu’s player. It doesn’t remember where we left off and the buffering bar doesn’t go away unless I minimize the window after backing up a few seconds if I miss something or want to see something again. So we’re probably going to drop Hulu after the 30 days is up. I’ll make sure I finish Law & Order by then.

Really getting sick of all these memory issues. Like forgetting to empty the dryer’s lint trap.

Since the cock had to wake me up in the middle of a dream, I remember it. I was living in an apartment building and watching TV. Some kind of documentary. I was surprised to find a guy who lived in the building featured on one of the episodes, though I don’t know what it was about. I then realized it explained why he hadn’t been home as much lately.

Then I was listening to music and it was like I was a kid again even though I wasn’t. I was thinking of the second house we had in Longmeadow and I was tired of circumstances coming up to yank me out of it. I guess I was stuck somewhere else for some reason and was beginning to feel like something didn’t want me in the house.

As I continued to sway back and forth to the music with my eyes shut, tears threatening to squeeze through my lids, and a fan blowing on me (I guess it was summer), I imagined I was back in the house and not wherever I was.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 17, 2019 Ended up feeling okay yesterday and waited the required half-hour before having coffee after taking my meds. Hopefully, I’ll stay okay today and the tightness in my lungs is only because of all the wind-driven rain we’ve had which certainly sprouts mold. Been a little worried about the roof but so far so good.

The earbud was irritating my ear again so I removed it just to get woken up by what was probably that loud car. That’s when I put it back in and was fine until I got up at 8:30.

Cock isn’t living here again, after all. By some miracle, maybe while I was watching a show, they slipped in unnoticed early Tuesday morning. They didn’t go by the bedroom, so that was probably why. When I did hear and see them leave a short while later, I thought they were here overnight because it was so early. They might as well live here if they’re going to come and go 2-3 times a day as they do.

Yesterday they came in at 5:50 in the morning and left 40 minutes later. Until I’m on days, I won’t be able to get a sense of if they’re working or not. It’s hard to believe they would get up that early if they didn’t have to, though. When they lived here they didn’t usually leave until after 9:30. If that was them that woke me up, then they can’t be working full time unless they woke me up at the end of the day. I didn’t look at the clock so I don’t know.

Just like I hate it when Tom makes excuses for and defends anyone I complain about, I really wish he would stop playing down and denying the noise here. This place seriously and totally makes Phoenix seem comatose. No joke! No exaggeration. He tried to tell me the other day that I’m just more “sensitive” now. Oh, come on! Like I wouldn’t have noticed if traffic was this loud in the past even if we weren’t so close to the street. Never before has there been this many muscle cars and other loud vehicles on the road, nor have I ever lived where there were so many motorcycles. The traffic issues in the past were loud car stereos and engine gunning. We can still hear some of that here but 90% of the traffic we hear in here are loud motors.

Set up my new jewelry holder and it’s much better! It’s a much more efficient and versatile holder and I don’t know why I didn’t get this particular design to begin with. The only thing I would have to do is maybe remove some necklaces to get at the ones closest to the stems off the T’s but that’s no big deal. It has a white base and a nickel finish. The gold looked nicer online but it was twice as expensive so I went with nickel which is still pleasant enough. Tom can use the copper carousel to hang wires on or whatever else he might think of.

Really hope the rash cream that should be coming today helps because it’s itchy and spreading!

Here we go again with another migrant caravan. When I read that I said, “Oh no, not again!”

Do some people actually want to make trouble for themselves as well as for others? Do some people actually like being tear-gassed? Defiant little fucks like this that will literally harm themselves and even die to spite others are the scariest kinds of people of all. These are the kinds of people who have no limits and will go to any extreme possible to make their fucking point.

There are numerous people who have come from other countries, including my bestie’s BF, in a perfectly legal manner with nothing but good intentions, and that’s fine. But if there’s one thing and one thing only that I agree with the orange nutjob on it’s that most illegals are up to no good and we’re the ones that have to pay for it. Why would you come here illegally if you had good intentions in the end? Illegals do nothing but burden our resources, drive the crime rate up, and steal jobs from those who are from here. Enough is enough! I wish the Border Patrol agents could replace their tear gas with bullets but as I said, some people will stop at nothing. If they suddenly knew they would be shot, they would still defy our laws just to piss people off and make a point.

I just dread the day we break down and start paying for their needs, including housing them in jail. Our tax dollars shouldn’t go to criminals (and you are one if you come here illegally). What about our needs and expenses? Who pays for those?

Sooner or later, though, we’re going to start letting them in and footing the bill. That’s just how this bleeding-heart country is. :-(

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 16, 2019 When I heard the loud car leave at 6:30 in the morning I said to myself, “Oh no! Just oh fucking no. They’re living here again!”

But I knew damn well they would be back sooner or later. I know how these manipulating rule-breakers work. The Phoenix freeloaders taught me well. They get caught at something, they behave for a while, then they see if they can get away with something a second time around and hope that no one will notice or bother reporting them.

The only positive to the cock leaving that early in the morning is that it could be a sign they’re working again. The 2 or 3 months I knew them to work when they last lived here, they’d leave at 6:30, return in the afternoon, and then go out again for 2 or 3 hours. On weekends it would come and go at least 3 times.

Then tonight, as I was finishing up on the treadmill, I saw it leave at quarter to ten. Using one of my old paper journals to start a car log. On days I’m sleeping on weekends I’ll leave it in the kitchen for Tom to log whenever he sees it. Leaving that late could mean they didn’t really move back in, but this car has been active anywhere at almost all hours of the day and night. Could return any second but I’ll know if it does. If I see that they are in fact living here, I’ll complain after a month. I just wish they’d stop coming and going so fucking much either way! Ironically enough, my earbuds started working again so I was protected from anything that went on while I slept. Who knows how many times they were in and out today?

My groin rash is a contagious fungus that I could have gotten from the fungus that’s been in my toenails forever now or from several other causes. I’m sure being fat doesn’t help. When I ordered groceries, I got antifungal cream for both my groin and my toenails. I didn’t realize this thing was contagious so I’ve set aside a hand towel for drying my groin which I’m applying alcohol to periodically. Could also be caused by friction from working out as much as I do.

Now for my worst news. I did okay until the end of my day when the anxiety really kicked up. If this really isn’t the medication, and experiments have shown it isn’t despite the coincidental timing of how it started after starting the medication, then I either have the worst case of perimenopause in the history of womankind or something really went wrong with my brain chemistry. I would still like to think that if worse comes to absolute worse, it will go away when he retires in half a decade but each year that I have this, I lose hope even though some things really can last for many years before they go away. The facial muscle twitches I had from the Navane lasted for decades. It’s been way better for the last few years or so. The thing is I don’t have that many decades left in the first place, which to me is kind of a good thing with all the problems I’m racking up.

I just read that researchers now believe that the brain firing too many neurons is what causes anxiety. But so late in life? That’s the part that seems the weirdest to me. Don’t you usually develop these things a lot younger? Depression, bipolar, schizophrenia, multiple personalities… Don’t those things usually start in the teens and 20s?

Placebo effect or not, an effect is an effect, so I compromised with myself. Instead of skipping my meds, I skipped the waiting time.

Anyway, I said there wasn’t a single good thing about aging other than the wisdom and maturity we acquire. Well, I was wrong. There is something good in it and that’s that each year that I live puts me one year closer to no longer having to deal with life’s bullshit. Can’t know if anything worse may be waiting for me on the other side if that other side exists, though.

I managed to sleep well last time around and dreamed of watching squirrels hatch from these eggs. I thought they were adorably cute and was telling Tom that I wanted to hug them.

Next thing I knew we were standing by the edge of a pond. There were several scattered ponds around us with gently sloping grassy fields running in between. There may have been a couple of other people around as well.

I watched how one of the squirrels jumped from the edge of the pond and flew into the middle of it.

Then I either thought of retiring or how we actually were retired. Not sure on that one but I think I was looking forward to when it would happen.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 15, 2019 Good to know Christiane wasn’t swallowed up by the Austrian avalanche after I messaged her, primarily in German. She said those people were “off the track.” She heard about the fires, too. Must’ve been an unwanted reminder of my existence for Nane, LOL.

Interestingly enough, my boobs aren’t as sore as they were before. It’s almost like my PMS is reversing itself. I still think I’ll get another period sooner or later, though.

My groin rash is driving me crazy. It’s definitely not connected to the LS. It’s more fungal or heat-related. They say body size doesn’t matter but somehow I get the feeling being so fucking fat doesn’t help. There’s simply no way I could ever lose weight and keep it off, though. I’m way past those days at this point. I would have to be seriously ill or have a disease with the opposite effect of Hashimoto’s.

Pussy itches every day, too. Without Tucks, I’d be clawing myself to death. Trying that on the groin but doubt it will help. Only hydrocortisone seems to really help but you’re not supposed to use that long-term. If I could, I could kill it and keep it away. As soon as I stop treating it, it worsens. How bad would it get, I wonder, if I never treated it at all?

Ended up being more anxious than usual yesterday but today I’m fine, thank God. I guess it was just because I hate that time of week. I hope that’s all it was, anyway!

I wish I could come up with fresh story ideas. I have the time for them and great tools at my fingertips yet no ideas come. The few that do, don’t last long and they’re basically spinoffs of the same old shit I usually write. Maybe I ought to take the beginnings of some of my stories and give them different endings.

I’m amazed that I slept well because my earbuds broke. Ordered a couple of cheap pairs for sleeping, one from the same company in red, and one from a different company in pink. They were both $12.

The only dream I remember was returning to a beach with Tom, Christine and maybe someone else. It seemed like we lived in the area. As I was walking from the car down to the beach, a boy of around 10 walked by and I thought he looked pretty tough for his age. I wondered if he could take me despite being shorter.

Then I headed toward the shore and stuck my toes in the water. I thought to myself how it had really warmed up in just the few days we were gone. I dove into a wave and found I didn’t surface as fast as I expected too, assuming I had gotten “caught in a swell.” Pretty sure I eventually broke through the surface. I seem to have a lot of dreams like that where I dive into a pool or an ocean and I can’t get back up. Or at least not when I think I will.

MONDAY, JANUARY 14, 2019 My bestie finished The Wrong Sister and liked it. :-) It’s always a pleasure to have her read my stories and I appreciate her pointing out some of the stupid mistakes I make too, LOL. Just sent her Renting Ginny. That was written once upon a time when I didn’t know the true meaning of the word anxiety.

When I feel borderline, I mark the calendar with a hollow circle which will be filled in solid on days I’m more than just borderline. I’m a little borderline now but I’m hoping that it’s just because it’s coming up to the start of the week. Sunday nights and Monday mornings are definitely my most hated time of the week.

Felt a little better after some pork chops and wine. I may need daily wine indefinitely. According to my research, a glass of wine a day shouldn’t hurt me. It can actually have benefits, especially red wine. It’s only if you drink heavily every day for a long time that you risk damaging your liver. I’ve never been drunk and I’ve never wanted to be. Just getting a buzz on is enough for me.

They raised the fairy I was going to get with my Bing points by $5 so I decided to hold off on it and see if they lower the price later on. For now, I’m going to get a few envelope openers since ours is getting blunt, and a new jewelry holder that will be more efficient. It consists of three separate T’s made of nickel and the tallest one is 19” high. What I like about this design is that I’d have a handy place for bracelets as well as necklaces. My carousel one is basically only good for necklaces. Some of the bracelets are too wide for the hooks.

Tom cut and placed pieces of cardboard around the sides and back of the guinea pigs’ cage to keep them from kicking shit out, and secured them with zip ties after punching holes in the tops of them. He also printed a couple of mini rakes to rake up anything they kick out in front so it doesn’t have to be vacuumed every day. We didn’t want to box them in too much because then we couldn’t see them and it would prevent good air circulation as well.

They’re definitely warming up to us more even though they’re still pretty skittish being prey animals as they are. They’re now taking food out of our hands. Blitz also seems to be growing faster than Rockefeller and now they seem similar in size. Even so, Rockefeller has been nibbling on Blitz’s ears, something they do to establish dominance like rats do their boxing thing that almost looks like they’re playing patty-cake.

Planes are moderately annoying tonight and Tom said that on and off there was loud traffic while I slept. Yeah, I don’t doubt it. Seems I might have heard something when either the earbuds slipped a bit or I had just gotten back into bed after getting up to pee.

This may look weird as hell but I took a spare pair of pantyhose and cut the legs off after tying a knot by the crotch. I’m going to use the top part of it as a hairnet, not only for my hair of course but for the MP3 player, too. Maybe if I bundle the wires and the player on the top of my head and then secure it with a net, I won’t get wrapped up in the wires so easily.

Starting to get a little crampy but I’m still not seeing red. Wish I would and just get the damn period over with so I can relieve the soreness in my boobies!

Had a dream where we lived in a house in which there were other identical homes along the street we lived on. We were getting ready to sell ours and I was worried that the outside sidewall just above a lower level (maybe above a garage?) was too damaged. I was at a neighboring house when I stepped back to see over the lower roof at the sidewall in that section which looked a lot like brown floorboards and said, “Beautiful,” as theirs was smooth and unmarked with nothing attached to it.

In another dream, I saw about half a dozen people I knew in a restaurant I was just “passing through”, including Becky H. I told them I wasn’t hungry and started to leave after greeting them until a waitress approached me saying they left me a meal as they too, left in the other direction. I sat down surprised and appreciative, gazing down at a plate of Alfredo and cheesy broccoli. I immediately suspected it was a present from Becky because she’s always been a real foodie.

In real life, she’s heavier than me and she definitely doesn’t work out or count calories, LOL. She doesn’t mind, though. She’s one of those who would rather live it up even if she may not live as long and may be inviting health problems along the way because of it.

I try to find a happy medium. I’m not going to stop exercising because I like the way it makes me feel and I like being as fit as I can be for my size and age. I’m also not going to stuff myself because I don’t like heartburn or want to open myself up to diabetes and higher cholesterol/blood pressure, but I’m also not going to set unrealistic goals and expect to get skinny and stay that way. I’m 53, not 23.

The dream I didn’t like was where I was thrown in some Mexican jail after mouthing off to some cop down there. Not sure what I said or how long I was to be in jail, but knowing that the wheels of justice likely turned much lower down there than they do here, I figured I would be there indefinitely. Therefore, I was contemplating not eating or drinking so I would die in just a couple of days or so. Not a fun dream at all. :-(

SATURDAY, JANUARY 12, 2019 Decided to post a random picture on my Twitter health account every time I take my vitamins so I know I’m not taking them too soon. If I forget if I’ve taken them, I can see if there’s a pic for the day and the time it was posted as well.

Went to Rite Aid for a few things and then we changed the pig’s cage and cleaned the fish’s filter and heater. The guinea pigs don’t have a circadian rhythm and will sleep a little, then get up, and back and forth. The fish definitely tends to be more active during the daytime, though.

It was a nice day today at 61° so we went for a brief walk when we got back from the store.

I haven’t had any chrome nail polish for centuries so I got a few bottles at Rite Aid in pink, blue and silver.

Now that they finally added some sound files to the Hawaiian course, I’ve taken three or four lessons so far and haven’t gotten any wrong yet. :-)

I also did Duolingo Stories in Spanish last night and German tonight and was surprised to beat my Spanish score if only by a little. Really didn’t think I would do that well with the German! Did I really learn that much of the ugly stuff? I guess I did, mostly thanks to Nane and a few others.

It’s been a surprisingly quiet day and night so far. Last night the planes were back to getting on my nerves. Not as bad as they were last year but they were getting there.

I don’t remember much in the way of dreams lately but it seems I woke up to a woman’s voice telling me something about great suffering ahead. She wasn’t speaking in a concerned tone either. She sounded menacing and evil. It creeped me out enough that it woke me up and I really hope it doesn’t mean anything. Haven’t had any anxiety today or yesterday so that’s good. I’m a little worried I might have a cavity by my bridge up top. No more crowns, though! If there is and she tells me it can’t be filled, I’m going to tell her to just pull the damn thing.

Signed up for a free month of Hulu and was glad to find two additional seasons of Law & Order SVU that I haven’t seen yet.

YES!!! Just got a message from my PCP saying that at this point she prefers me to continue with lifestyle changes instead of starting blood pressure medications. She said my blood pressure readings are good in the morning and she’s afraid with medication it may get too low and I may get dizzy. She concluded by telling me to just continue to check my blood pressure 2-3 times a week and bring the readings with my machine to my next visit.

I have absolutely NO problem with being told I DON’T need medication. NO problem, LOL.

I think I’ve now gone the longest I’ve ever gone without feeling even remotely horny. I miss those days. But they’re never coming back any more than my old figure or vision is so I suppose there’s no point in thinking much about it. It’s just part of aging. I think I’m just one of the few that would be more honest about it. I think women tend to be more open about these things while guys will tend to kid themselves and others. Or at least try to.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 11, 2019 My tits are getting sore and I know I’m going to get a period any minute now. Tits don’t lie. Been having backaches as well.

On the bright side, I’m happy to say I haven’t felt anxious today. I don’t know if this means anything or not, but when I first got up, I thought I might be in for a bad day. Shortly afterward, I sat down in a chair and after I did my tapping routine I said, “I don’t know if there’s a God up there but if you think you’re going to torture me with my own mind and body because there’s nothing else going on at the moment to whip my ass with, you’re wrong. Dead wrong. I’m done with this shit and I’m not going to take it anymore.”

Since then I’ve been fine. Is it good or bad, though, this nightly ritual where I have a little wine? And when I say “nightly ritual” I mean whenever I happen to be at the end of my day. I guess it can’t hurt. It’s just sparkling water spiked with hints of flavored wine. Only 5% alcohol as are wine coolers and spritzers. At least the ones I’ve had, anyway.

I’m also happy to say that they finally added some sound files to the Hawaiian course on Duolingo, although the course is still far from complete.

I slept shitty last night. Coincidentally or not, I forgot to put the bamboo plant on the headboard shelf before crashing. First I woke up just because and then the MP3 player died which I forgot to charge. So traffic woke me up several times, mostly the fucking garbage and green waste trucks. My ear was getting irritated from the earbud as well and to think that traffic is going to affect so much of my life for the next 20-something years makes me want to scream. Car stereos, yes, but traffic, for the most part, has never been an issue until I came to this fucking state.

Why do I always have to end up in the noisiest places and always get the flukes and extremes? What were the odds in Arizona that the house next door would be city-owned and rented to welfare bums? What were the odds that the duplex in Oregon would face the back of a duplex with a mother and daughter team going back and forth at all hours of the day and night? These are just a couple of examples, too. We just couldn’t have happened to end up on the other side of the circle or on a dead-end, could we? It wouldn’t exactly be peaceful there but it would be better than where we are.

My groin rash seems to be virtually immortal. Fortunately, it doesn’t itch that much because as soon as I get it under control it flares right back up. I’m tired of all these rashes I just can’t kill! The question is whether or not it’s lichen or fungal. It seems to be common regardless of body size. I know stress can make it worse and I was definitely stressed out yesterday and the day before when I learned my numbers.

Just when I was regretting the pigs and wondering how much of my lung tightness they could be responsible for, which I’m now pretty sure is connected to the weather changes and me being stressed out yesterday, they’re definitely warming up to me. Still probably always gonna give me a run for my money when I go to handle them but they’re definitely more comfortable sitting with me and don’t struggle as much as I’m picking them up.

What’s a little strange is how Rockefeller does all the talking. He was funny because as soon as he heard me come out of the bedroom when I got up early this afternoon, off he went. Blitz, on the other hand, is still pretty quiet. He’s not as brave as Rockefeller but he’s not as timid as he was before. These are probably the only noisy animals I enjoy and they don’t drive me crazy with their squeals and squeaks.

Along with cleaning the fish filter and heater which gets bits and pieces of debris trapped in the suction cups and other parts of them, we’re going to cut cardboard pieces to place at the sides and back of the pig cage so they can’t keep kicking out so much bedding and making a mess.

He’s going to be going to Sam’s Club tomorrow morning like he does every other Saturday. Sunday we’ll probably go out and pick up some things from Safeway. If not, we might go to Walgreens or Rite Aid or who knows where.

Watching a Netflix mini-series called Haunting. They’re said to be true stories but I have to wonder how they prove this. Either way, it still makes for good entertainment.

Been hearing way more planes tonight than I’ve heard so far this year. Please, please don’t tell me we’re going to go back to that shit! Just let me have my nights!

“You don’t think you’re fake?” someone asked me on Ask.

Hmm… Someone I’ve talked to that’s two-facing me? Someone who knows of me? Totally random?

I hope my friends really are my friends. Just can’t help but wonder if I blocked that person, would “that” person be Aly? She suspects Jase has been trolling her there so maybe it was him. People connected to Aly tend to be trouble. That’s why I hesitated to associate with Cam at first. They could turn on each other tomorrow and I could be trolled the next day. These days, though, it’d be much easier to shake him (or anyone else) off as I’m not nearly as public as I used to be.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 10, 2019 His Family:

Marge (the queen), his mother. She married Raymond who died in the mid-90s.

Ray, her oldest son has been dead for just over a decade. His wife was Nora. Kids: Pam, Jackie and Ryan. Grandkids: Jennifer.

David, her second child whom I forgot to mention in my VM. He’s married to Evie and they have a son and daughter, Parker and Nickolena.

Mary (Miss Perfect), her only daughter, married Dave.

Steven, her youngest. He married Carol and lives in the Fresno area. They have 2 sons, Matt and Chris.

Other relatives, mostly cousins, are Cindy, Johnny, Maria, Opal, Neva, Sandra, April, Bonita…

Find A Grave. It hit me all of a sudden yesterday that there was such a site and so I ran his mother’s name and found that Tom was right in suspecting she died years ago. Bitch died in February 2015 at the age of 91.

I finally decided it was time to give a few of his family members, without telling him about it, a piece of my mind. I was unable to locate Steven, Miss Perfect and Dave but I found several others, including David and Evie and their kids as well as Ryan and Jennifer. I sent them all the same message. I spoke from the heart and everything I said was 100% true too.

Here’s where it got strange. I immediately got a friend request from Jennifer and then Ryan. LOL. Jennifer and I even exchanged a few messages. I don’t think she had time to read my message before she replied but I don’t know how with it she is to begin with. She was just a little kid when we last saw her. Ryan is definitely mentally ill and has been on disability all his life.

Anyway, Jennifer asked where we were living now and I told her. Then she sent a friend request, saying she has a son now. Like I care? rolls eyes I told her no disrespect to her whatsoever (she didn’t do anything to us after all, and the only point of sending messages to multiple family members was to up my odds in at least one of them seeing it), but I couldn’t add her. I didn’t think to look up Sandra J, but I also found Cindy, Pam, Jackie, April and a few others that I’m pretty sure are related. The point is that once one sees it, the whole damn family will hear about it which is what I want. I especially want Miss Perfect to hear about it.

I went and blocked everyone I messaged.

The fact that no one in the family, especially Mary, never took the time to look us up and at least tell him that his shit of a mother died, tells me enough about them right there and stamps out any chance of me feeling any guilt for speaking my mind. He may not be reachable but I’m easy to Google and anyone can look me up on Facebook. All these years they could’ve reached out to us just to say, “Hello. How are you two doing?” but they never gave a shit. Ever.

I am seriously considering deactivating on Facebook for a number of reasons. I mostly have no need for it. There are only two more people I wouldn’t mind finding. But I don’t know Rosemarie’s last name, and if I haven’t found Steve by now, I’m not likely to ever find him. So what’s the point of keeping my account? To keep on seeing the same old political bullshit and food posts that only make me want to eat?

At the same time, I’m not sure I want to abandon everyone because I do have my cousin there and some Valleyhead sisters as well as a few good longtime cyber friends that might worry if I were to disappear.

I thought about telling Tom about the messages but I don’t want to worry him. I know how paranoid he gets at times. Personally, even if they all apologized, not that all of them owe us an apology, what would be the point in reconnecting? Tom doesn’t do social media and it would only be a matter of time before I would think they would want us to visit. Of course we would never step foot back in the state that did the horrible things it did to me, among other reasons.

The part in quotes is the message I sent.

“So Queen Marjorie died four years ago, I just learned, huh? The old me would wish her final moments were anything but kind to her but the present-day me feels nothing but contempt, disgust and even pity for a mother who chose to abandon her own son simply because he needed help one too many times. And after he did so, SO much for her while the rest of the family, excluding Mary and Dave, sat on their booties and did absolutely nothing. We lost thousands of dollars buying parts for all the projects Tom did for that woman at HIS expense. She always promised to “get him later” for it but later never came. The way that woman so easily and casually used anyone she could and then dumped them when she found them a “burden” or that she couldn’t benefit from them was utterly APPALLING but not nearly as appalling as her apparent conditional love and concern for her own son and his wife.”

Truly Spiked & Sparkling alcoholic beverages don’t taste that great but they warm me up and relax me. At least somewhat. I’ve really been on edge since learning my numbers that a part of me wishes I didn’t know what they were. Ignorance really can be bliss at times.

My lungs have been tight and I don’t know if it’s connected to the medication, the guinea pigs, the weather, or what. I just know I’ve been a bit more on edge these last couple of days and I worry that I’m on the verge of another vicious cycle of anxiety and will be at its mercy with absolutely no defense whatsoever. Once the adrenaline kicks up in my chest, I have never been able to find anything yet that will stop it. Not anything I do, take, eat or drink helps. I can calm a racing heart but I can’t kill those waves of anxiety once they start stabbing in and out of my chest. That’s when my thoughts tend to get dark and I start to feel hopeless. Like I said a million times, if there is any God up there that plans what happens to us or at least allows it to, what a cruel, torturous thing to do to someone!

Oddly enough, though, I felt better after 20 minutes of “ski blogging.” Plus, I’m having a little wine. Decided to ski blog since it’s been a while since I’ve skied and that way I don’t have to speak louder over the hum of the treadmill. Tom had just gone to bed, even though I’m sure he wouldn’t mind. Especially lying close to an air cleaner that’s always running which would drown me out.

I’m also not happy that after being delayed a day - ONTRAC is always late probably because they couldn’t get in the gate - the guinea pigs are too small for the playpen. Fucking Rockefeller busted right through one of the squares. I forget that they’re skinnier than they look. All that thick soft fur makes them look fuller than they are. Rats can collapse their rib cages and maybe that extends to guinea pigs as well. Hopefully, when they’re full-grown it won’t be an issue. It’s a nice pen otherwise. Cut my hand setting it up, but am wearing the highest quality Band-Aid I’ve ever worn, LOL. It totally fits like a second layer of skin.

I love how they squeak when they hear me coming or they want lettuce, but I’m just sick of the scaredy crap I’ve had to deal with for the most part for over a decade now. When are we going to have a pet that runs to us instead of away from us? When??? The only one here that seems to truly like having me around is Butterboy. I totally believe without a doubt that if he could breathe the air and walk on four legs, he would definitely be happy to see me. He would probably follow me around the house and gladly sit with me. He’s a surprisingly friendly, alert and intelligent fish. He just has that air about him that says, “Hello there. Nice to see you” when I walk into the room.

The guinea pigs don’t mind being held but not without a fight first. From my experience and from what I’ve read in pet forums, it’s common for guinea pigs to run when you go to pick them up. But once you’ve got them securely held, they’re fine.

Still nothing from Campbell’s and now I wonder why they really wanted my address. I definitely don’t need coupons for their cans of plastic anxiety soup, so I wonder what they really had in mind. To try to sue me for bashing them? Good luck with that, Campbell’s.

I was browsing YouTube when I randomly stumbled across a video on water fasting. This woman claims she did it for 21 days and that the first couple of days she was hungry as hell and felt weak and cold. It’s not only supposed to be a quick way to lose weight but is supposed to be good for your skin and hair and detox your digestive system and things like that.

But I still see the same problem I see with any other diet. Once you start eating again, the weight returns. You pretty much have to live a good part of your life on a diet if you want to lose weight and keep it off. If you can do that, you’re amazing. If you can’t, you’re human.

The Revenge series was going slow, so I moved on to something else. Watched the movie The Strangers on Netflix and it was great.

Amazingly, I didn’t hear the loud car at all yesterday but just after dark it came in and left a few minutes later. Probably to pick up rent money or food from its enabling parents. So, so glad that at least the planes haven’t been driving me as crazy!

I was going to use my first Bubbly account for generic things and the second one for things I would rather Aly not hear if she’s checking every now and then but was unable to log into my original account. Personally, I’m not finding Bubbly much fun anymore, so I don’t know that I’m going to bother using either account.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 9, 2019 Went to the lab yesterday and was able to request Shannon. Took her a minute to remember me, but I slowly came trickling back into her memory as we chatted. She had no trouble drawing a vial from the crook of my elbow since I hadn’t just gotten out of bed with not enough time to guzzle water beforehand.

When I got up at 10:30, I took my meds, fed my pretty fishy and piggies, then found my lab results had been sent just 4 hours ago.

T4 - 1.4 (normal) TSH - 7.50 (slightly high) T3 - 3.2 (normal)

Call me emotional, dramatic and a bit immature, but I couldn’t help but burst into tears of both delight and dread when I saw the 1.4. I was surprised. I was expecting 1.3 and a TSH around 11.

It’s pouring now as we await the playpen.

LOL! I just got up, stepped into the hallway to comment to Tom in his office about how hard it’s pouring now, and Rockefeller heard me and “called” for me. At least I think it was him. Blitz is still quite reserved.

Ah, rain stopped as suddenly as it started but I can hear it rolling off the carport and patio roof now. Oh, here it goes again, just not as hard.

And that damn car? It came and went yesterday morning around 10, returning just minutes later to spend the entire day here. Didn’t leave till 8. Haven’t heard it since getting up so it’s probably here.

Just got called for a second serving. Damn, these things are serious lettuce whores! I forget just how much of the stuff they can inhale. Gotta double up on greens. They eat way more than rats.

Anyway, other than trying not to think about the inevitable return of my anxiety, even though the particular type that’s been plaguing me on and off for the last couple of years is now looking like it’s not connected to the medication, I messaged both doctors at 1 with my results. It didn’t take long for Dr. A’s to appear as “reviewed,” but Doc O hasn’t gotten to hers yet.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 8, 2019 Was reading someone’s journal on Prosebox that mentioned shopping online at Cannabis Cowboys. They’re in Canada and so is the site. They seem to have all kinds of things for all kinds of physical and emotional ailments, and while some of them seem interesting, I’m not sure I would have the guts to experiment with any of them. A glass of wine before bed is one thing but I would see this as medication with potential side effects. Plus, I can never know what may not be good to take with the medication I’m on although there really isn’t much that can’t be taken with Levothyroxine; just usually not at the same time.

I’ve also seen in Andy just how bad marijuana can fuck up one’s brain. If I think I have memory issues now…

Going to the lab in the late afternoon and worried about my results. Today was one of those days I woke up deciding my skin and hair were too soft for me to be that hypo. But then there are times I worry my TSH is still high because of how good I’ve been feeling with absolutely no skips in just over six weeks. I worry also because of the way 50s usually brings my TSH down to 16, not 33. So I’m afraid my thyroid might have died off some more which would mean that if it was in the teens I would have to up my dose which would absolutely terrify me. I have suffered so, so much on and off these last four and a half years that I don’t want to do anything that might rock the boat.

Each week that I go without anxiety, I wonder a little more if the Amberen may have had more of a hand in it than I realized. I only tried it because they claim it has no side effects and I only found one or two complaints of increased anxiety.

My HR spiked to 110 yesterday morning, but it was likely because I’d just gotten out of a hot shower. It’s been averaging between the high 70s and low 80s which is wonderful. :-)

I don’t think I’ve ever had pigs this timid before and I’m really starting to believe there is as much of a pet curse on me as there is a noise curse. Ever since losing Tinkerbell. I’m not sure I believe in the afterlife but it’s like she’s out there and she knew she was queen and is jealous of any furry pet that might steal my heart.

Ah, but Tinkerbell, sweetie, if you’re out there, you will always be my number one!

Seriously, this is just ridiculous! I’m surprised I haven’t been pissed or shit on as is common when rats get scared. Rockefeller does make happy talk when Tom reaches into the cage and pats him, so he definitely likes him. He’s getting a little easier to handle but they still act like we’re going to kill them when we reach for them be it to pat them or to handle them. At least they’re eating well. Tom said they were playing this morning before he left for work.

We ordered a playpen for them and some lattice balls with bells in them that cats play with. I’ve seen videos with guinea pigs playing with them and it definitely seems like something they would like if they could ever loosen up and get more playful. The playpen has panels to create a walled-off area. There is no floor to it. But this way they can have more space to run around an hour or so each day. It wouldn’t work for rats because a rat could just climb or jump right out of it. I thought this would be a good place to sit with them since I’m small and where they could play with the balls. Even though they have a good-sized cage, the balls would roll easier on the carpet than on their bedding in the cage.

We also restarted the bedding subscription but we’re only going to get one bail a month.

That loud car has come around every day without fail. Yesterday they were only here once and for 15 minutes but still, why can’t this loser visit his parents once a week like most people?

Just when I think the planes are going to start driving me crazy again, I only end up hearing a few. I wasn’t up that late last night, though, and I’m sleeping in the early mornings so they could be worse than I know. I’ll find out soon enough if they’re back to being as annoying as usual.

Started my 8th book since joining KU. Definitely going to stock up on Willow Rose books after reading the few I downloaded after catching up on the Jon Athan books I wanted to read.

Started Revenge last night which is an eight-book set and is estimated to take nearly 46 hours to read. It’s about a black girl (I guess I’m a hypocrite for pointing out her race, LOL, which I hate when others do) who gets gang-raped by 10 rich white guys. She goes to medical school so she can seek revenge without leaving a trace. Definitely my kind of book as I love revenge stories.

Last night I had another one of those Valleyhead reunion dreams. I was showering before dinner in a community bathroom with several toilet and shower stalls. I chatted with Marie briefly after getting dressed and placing a couple of strange dolls in a chest or a box. Then I quickly texted someone and headed in search of the dining room. I asked this guy for directions to the dining room and he started giving me a hard time about it. I said something like, “Yeah, yeah, just tell me where it is.”

But then I found it on my own. It looked like a nice restaurant more so than a dining room. They had large tables and long booths with regular waitresses.

I saw people I recognized, including Kate Jackson, who was still young and hot. On one side of the booth sat three or four people with fewer people being on the side Kate was on. Those on the more crowded side were figuring out how to make room for me when I said, “Maybe I just won’t eat.”

But then someone suggested I sit by Kate, so I happily slid in next to her. Kate hugged me and gave me a kiss on the top of my head and I thanked her for being there for me earlier. I guess we had a private chat and I was grateful to her for it.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 6, 2019 Stumbled across an article on why the Keto Diet is worthless, and I agree. There are no magic foods or food combinations for weight loss, otherwise most people would be thin. It’s all about calories and I’m way past the point in life where my calorie intake has to be so low that I just couldn’t stand it short-term let alone indefinitely. Even if I could be 30 pounds lighter at the snap of my fingers, I’d never be able to keep it off. I’d rather just use common sense, keep active, and accept my aging body as it is and as it was meant to be. As long as I’m not severely obese, I’m okay with myself and with not trying to be something I’m not meant to be.

Finished watching Inside the World’s Toughest Prisons. While I’d hate to be in prison anywhere, Norway is the place to be if you have no choice. They’re single-man prison cells are like hotel rooms and the place isn’t filthy and overcrowded like in Costa Rica, for example. The prisons have no bars, have their own supermarket, you can’t get anything longer than a 21-year sentence, and the staff is encouraged to be friendly with the prisoners. Their attitude is that if you treat people like animals, you get an animal and that’s what you’ll be releasing back into society someday, and I totally agree. I mean sure, some people are born animals no matter how much dignity and respect you treat them with, and I personally wouldn’t like the idea of my murderer living in such a nice prison and being treated with the same kindness you’d treat a guest in a hotel with, but they definitely have a point. It’s why most abusers were abused, after all. People do tend to follow the examples set for them.

They also believe it’s pointless to make their punishment any rougher because being there in the first place is punishment. Right on again. Back when I was in jail I wished they would just let me do my damn time, even though I knew I didn’t deserve five minutes of it, and quit with all the bullshit along the way like the deliberately cold showers, cellmate shuffling, and barely edible food.

“We don’t want to make it fun for anyone,” one male DO had said.

Oh. You mean just being forced to be there and away from our homes, loved ones and pets were supposed to be “fun” by itself?

On the 4th episode of You and liking it very much. I was wondering when Joe was finally going to kill Benji and kind of hoping he would too, LOL. Didn’t care for the uncalled-for and unnecessary comment about Benji being the so-called “poster boy for white privilege.” You know, the one that doesn’t exist in 98% of the country? Do they realize just how offensive such comments are to those of us who have personally been victims of reverse discrimination? And yeah, there are more of us than anyone wants to believe.

Why do people have to refer to one’s color in the first place anyway? I’m tired of race always having to be pointed out whether it’s black or white. Can’t we just say “a person” or “a woman” or the person’s name and leave it at that? Really, enough with the race references! My husband’s name is Tom. Oh, he’s white, BTW. Now, did I really have to point that out? Is it necessary that people know that as if his color somehow defines who he is as a person?

Guinea pig update: The pigs are continuing to be super timid and I really hope I didn’t make the wrong choice when picking them out. I’m seriously coming to wonder if I’m meant to have timid animals as much as I’m meant to live in noisy places. It seems so. I just can’t catch a break when it comes to pets! The damn fish is way braver than they are for God’s sake, but the fish isn’t a warm, soft cuddly animal. In this state, only Tinkerboy and Sugar were friendly and sociable, then Sugar had a stroke. Hopefully, they’ll come around a little more, but I don’t know. Rockefeller was more curious today and started to come up to me, but he would quickly chicken out. They’re not quite taking food out of my hand but they started nibbling on some hay and lettuce as soon as I put it in the cage earlier today.

We had to run out and get a couple of roller bottles because these idiots were overdoing the swivel heads and wasting water when they’d get drinks.

Earlier we ran out to Safeway and got some things for them as well as stuff for us during what’s been a very wet and windy weekend. Let’s just say I haven’t had to deal with landscaping and motorcycles but just some loud traffic. Still, I wish I could jump in Butterboy’s tank and have my world be 78°, too!

Stage 1 is in the lead once again at 6 to 5. It might be a tie again when I do my end-of-the-day BP reading.

Aly’s other Twitter account is public again and Molly keeps changing handles.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 5, 2019 After waking up feeling a bit PMSy based on a little bit of soreness in my boobs, a couple of extra pounds in what seems to be water, and increased hunger along with a few scattered backaches, two little piggies went home.

We arrived at Petco as soon as it opened to increase our chances of them having guinea pigs in stock. The first two we looked at appeared to be brave and full of pep. They were munching on hay while “popcorning,” something guinea pigs do when they’re happy. I liked their colors but didn’t like that they were mostly hairless. I’ve never liked hairless animals of any breed. Even though they seemed to have great personalities, no one wants to have an ugly pet. Or at least what they personally don��t find pleasing to the eye.

Nearby were a couple of much-shyer American guinea pigs with the short fur I wanted. They were hiding in their burrow and weren’t too thrilled to be fished out of their tank but I have had some guinea pigs start off on the shy side that warmed up to me within a week or so. So hopefully I didn’t make a mistake in choosing appearance over personality. They have nice soft fur and one is a little older than the other. One has a mix of brown and white while the other has black and white with some brindle mixed in. They’re both males and were $40 each.

We got some vitamin C drops for their water as well as some chew toys, hay, and regular food. They’re on the top part of the cage. If they seem to be able to get up and down from the upper shelf, then I might open them to the lower level as well. Some reports say climbing ramps is good exercise for them while the guy in the store said that multi-levels aren’t good for them because they can’t bend their backs in the way rats can, and that much is true. They’re not nearly as flexible as rats. However, I think they can maneuver the ramps but definitely not climb the walls like rats can.

Unable to come up with names for them I picked their names using a random pet name generator. So the little guy is Blitz and the bigger guy is Rockefeller. I’m letting them get settled in while periodically going into the living room to pat them and sometimes pick them up. They’re still very timid and Rockefeller screamed at me once, LOL.

Lots of rain and wind today, especially wind. It’s just cold and miserable overall and I really wish we were someplace warm! We’re enjoying our time together, though, and just hanging out doing this and that. We replaced some of the betta’s water and now we’re doing our own thing.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 4, 2019 I am so SO fucking sick of the loud Subaru visiting not once but twice a day. You may as well live here if you’ve got to see your parents that often. I wish to hell this attention whore of a cock would get in an accident and total the fucking thing! I really do. For 3 fucking years now I have listened to this thing come and go hundreds of times and I’ve had enough! I know, though, that no matter where I lived there would always be some source(s) of annoyance. For the 5-6 more years we’re here, there’s no way this little fuck will give up that car, and I wouldn’t be surprised if there were more motorcycles each year.

Another thing I was surprised to hear after so long was Bob sawing but fortunately, it didn’t last long. Really hope he doesn’t go back to that shit on a regular basis. Just because we’ve been neighbors for over half a decade and have come to know and like each other doesn’t mean I want his noise penetrating the walls of our place. I don’t push my noise on him.

Almost done watching the complete collection of Forensic Files. Think I’ll try this Bird Box next that everyone’s been raving about. Plus, there are new episodes of Inside the World’s Toughest Prisons and I want to get back to You as well.

My HR has been amazingly low whenever I take my blood pressure, ranging between 75-81. Usually, I’m 85 or higher. I asked Tom if I should be worried and he said that when I usually check my HR, it’s because it’s high, so I’m probably like this more often than I realize. I sure feel good! I dread the day the anxiety returns but it always does so I know this calmness won’t last forever.

BP and HR readings so far… Systolic, diastolic, HR:

Jan 03, 2019. 02:06 PM 132 83 77 Jan 03, 2019. 02:19 AM 122 85 77 Jan 02, 2019. 12:27 PM 135 85 78 Jan 02, 2019. 12:13 AM 129 90 80 Jan 01, 2019. 10:35 AM 145 83 81 Jan 01, 2019. 01:05 AM 129 81 76

Not liking how there’s a sticker on my new medication bottle saying it’s the same medication I’ve been taking. The last time I saw that sticker was when they gave me the JSP brand and a week later I was anxious as hell which was just too coincidental. Yet I don’t see anything different. Still looks like Sandoz. Same shape and I’m pretty sure it’s the same color too.

Last night’s guinea pig-hunting dream wasn’t very promising. I would prefer an American guinea pig for its short hair. But in the dream, I went to the bathroom in this pet store and then returned to find the guy who worked there chatting with Tom and holding a box with two Abyssinians that were very light gray in color with some white. I asked if he had any Americans and Tom said, “I asked him that.”

The guy said he did but I’m not sure what he said next.

The planes haven’t been bad this morning but the loud car has already made its first of 2 or 3 trips in. Who the hell not only visits their parents this often but at 7:15 in the morning? So yeah, I think they’re doing some work for them because how else can the cock support himself?

Later…

Turns out that Virginia did have a heart attack when they took her away in the wee hours of Christmas Eve. She’s been in rehab ever since and is expected back home Monday. Bob said a guy was coming to install handlebars in the shower.

Poor thing! How sad and scary. Makes me definitely rethink getting old once again.

Christiane replied to my message wishing her a happy New Year. She said she’s going skiing in the Austrian Alps. Now let’s see her surprise me with a message for once, but you know what? I’m sure I’ll never hear from her again as long as I don’t message her first, and I can’t see myself doing that again in the future. Like I said, my one and only New Year’s resolution is to ditch the one-sided friendships and ignore those who don’t want anything to do with me.

What else is going on in the neighborhood? Not as much landscaping today but the loud car was here for 3 hours and I’m guessing it’s going to return any minute. I really need to try my influencing thing or some kind of spell to get rid of them. While I certainly wouldn’t want it to kill them, they need to be incapacitated for a while. Totaling the car wouldn’t do much good because someone that desperate to be heard and noticed is just going to turn around and replace it with something just as loud. I’m sure their parents will be happy to help too, as they seem to enable them to live such a slacker lifestyle to begin with.

I was looking at affordable, or at least hopefully affordable, waterfront mobile homes along Florida’s coast. It’s definitely going to be hard to get something in our price range that isn’t too old, too small or both. I would prefer to look out over the ocean but there are other water views that would be pleasant to see from a lanai or something like that with canals and lakes. It’s Florida, so there’s water everywhere. Don’t know for sure that that’s the state we’ll end up in but that would be my guess.

Went through some of my collectibles today and will definitely be getting rid of some older pieces. Cheap little plastic pieces and pieces that are chipped or broken or that I’m just sick of. Twinkle, my 22” fairy elf is now in the trash as I’ve definitely had enough of her after 15 years or so. 17 years, to be exact. Just checked my old journals. Funny as I got her almost 17 years ago to the day. Definitely a cheap, poorly made doll but she served her purpose. I removed her outfit before dumping her which wasn’t her original one but something I got from the Goodwill. Hillary can wear it and probably a couple of other dolls too. Not sure I really want to get rid of much of my collection unless I had to but I don’t expect to display most of it in the next place, wherever it is. I’ll just store them in plastic bins.

Tom is going to prep the cage when he gets home in case we do find a guinea pig or two tomorrow, and I sure hope we do! The trays, which are a bit big and bulky for me to handle, need to be hosed down. I attached the water bottles and a spare hammock. At the store, we gotta get hay, GP food, vitamin C drops, and wood chews.

Whenever we find one, I really hope it’s friendly and not timid. The thing is that guinea pigs tend to run and try to hide when you go to pick them up from their cage even long after they’ve gotten to know you and seem to be quite comfortable when they’re hanging out with you. Piggles in Phoenix used to do that and I found it annoying, and as funny as this may sound, it was also a bit insulting. I couldn’t help but take it personally after treating him like a king. Same with the last trio of rats. They were constantly acting like I was regularly beating the shit out of them. I do miss some guinea pig traits, though, like their happy chatter when being patted, squeaking for food…

THURSDAY, JANUARY 3, 2019 Heard a couple of planes this morning but nothing major yet. I’m sure they’ll be in full swing again soon enough just like I’m sure that loud car will zoom by the house in about three hours. They’ve got to be working for their parents somehow. They obviously don’t have any other job yet someone’s got to be paying for wherever they’re living, their cigarettes, and that fucking car.

While rats are the cutest and the smartest of the rodents, I don’t have the energy most days to give them the attention they demand and there are no guarantees that I’m ever going to get my energy back to where it was. It’s a fact of aging… Weight and blood pressure go up, energy goes down. Still hoping the blood pressure medication will give me more energy, whenever I start it, but I can’t know that for sure.

Mice, hamsters and gerbils may be cute but they’re out of the question because they’re messy, smelly and stupid.

Okay, that makes five planes in less than an hour and I’ve had enough, so on goes the air cleaner. Will probably ask Alexa to have sleep sounds play a random background sound as well since traffic, mowers, blowers and other shit is going to start in about an hour anyway. Just asked her. She chose “Fountain.”

As I was saying before I was distracted, due to lack of energy for rats and not finding much good other than having something cute to look at in mice, hamsters and gerbils, I was thinking of getting my second favorite breed of rodent which I’ve had many of, just not for a long time - guinea pigs! Not sure if we’ll get one or two but we’re going to check out some stores this weekend.

I’m already getting excited about the idea! I thought a guinea pig might be nice because they don’t require as much energy and attention but they’re smarter and more sociable than mice, hamsters and gerbils. They have some traits about them that are both better and worse than rats. They make better cuddle buddies compared to the very animated rat, but they shed way worse than rats which is part of why I prefer short-haired guinea pigs like the English or American guinea pig. I’ve had Abyssinians and Peruvians and while they may be cute, I would still prefer not to get a long-haired guinea pig. The fur gets tangled, and their turds and bedding can get matted in it as well. I kind of miss the sounds they make, too. I work far enough from where the cage is so their screaming wouldn’t bother me. They don’t usually scream unless they’re hungry anyway.

As long as we don’t get one that’s overly lazy like the last one we had, it should be able to climb the ramps to the upper levels of this cage easily enough. They just couldn’t climb the walls of the cage the way rats can. They don’t have the agility and the thinner bodies rats have or tails to help with balance.

So I thought a guinea pig would be a good compromise considering my current energy levels. It would also probably be gone by the time we moved.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 2, 2019 Ran out to Walgreens yesterday and it was just a degree above freezing. I’d kill to be in Hawaii or Florida or someplace warm now! I’d especially kill to live in this particular spot I noticed when looking at Google Maps at the park my parents lived in which I visited twice in my twenties. I wasn’t kidding when I said they lived high off the hog while I struggled, once having to steal tampons just to plug up my fucking bleeders.

My parents’ old place is in an absolutely gorgeous location, and some of the homes have spectacular views of the ocean. There was this one spot I would kill for because it’s not only at the end of a dead-end, but you have woods on one side and the ocean on the other. Being on a dead end doesn’t always do you much good if you’ve got a busy street running behind you. The street in front of us and on the side gets a moderate amount of traffic but the one in back gets an enormous amount. The park they lived in is also much smaller than this one so you’re not going to have as many residents, delivery trucks, visitors and caretakers coming and going. You also don’t have as much landscaping noise because they don’t have trees that lose leaves and make a mess as we do here and they pretty much mow everyone’s grass almost all at once. Here it’s up to each individual owner to take care of their own lot. There, the residents mostly only care for things like if they want to plant a rose bush outside their bedroom window or something like that. Even garbage day would be so much quieter there! Because I’m in the middle of such a maze, I have to listen to them wind in and out of so many circles, streets and dead ends. There they would just come and go like everywhere else I’ve ever lived.

When I would be at the beach at our summer cottage in Old Lyme, Connecticut which was just six cottages from where the sand starts on Breen Avenue, I would look across Long Island Sound and wonder exactly what was out there on the New York side about 10 miles away. Well, thanks to Google Maps, I could actually look and see and finally settle that curiosity. I could have done this years ago but only thought of it last night. So I looked and found out. There’s a lighthouse across the way and also some houses which it’s definitely safe to assume that only rich people can afford. There’s a place called Plum Island too, that few people if anyone seems to live on. I guess they mostly do animal research there.

What’s amazing is how much everything looks the same at the beach. The cottages haven’t changed much and I was surprised to find the vacant lot diagonally across the street from our cottage still vacant. I would have thought they’d have built something on it by now.

Anyway, I would LOVE to end up at the end of a dead-end with only one neighbor but I know that’s just a dream. It’s like something up there totally wants me to be in the middle of as much chaos as possible but like it or not, I’m used to noisy places and if that’s what’s as meant to be as it sure seems to be, then that opens up a lot of options for us since 98% of the places would be noisier than that dead end. Who knows, though? If we were suddenly in a place like that and I really am as cursed with noise as I’ve suspected I’ve been for a million years now, then whatever is cursing me would just have some insanely loud boats or planes going by all of a sudden for me to have to listen to. Also, even if we could afford it, there’s no guarantee that the place we want would be for sale to begin with. I would still take a fifty-year-old place in that spot rather than a brand-new one in the middle of a circus. It would be so ideal! We��d be so much more out of the way of things yet wouldn’t have to drive 45 minutes to get to civilization. Yesterday was pretty quiet but I’m sure I’ll be in for tons of landscaping and traffic today. So my noise-canceling headphones will definitely get used.

I would always totally support anyone who wanted to go on a diet and all that, and from what I’ve read on Prosebox, it seems the top two New Year’s resolutions are to either quit smoking or to lose weight, especially to lose weight. To each their own but I still don’t see the point in nearly killing myself for such minimal results that are only going to come undone in no time. I just can’t see myself having 1000 calories or less every day indefinitely and then not being able to eat much more in order to keep the weight off. I’ve learned through time that striving to be healthy is much more important than being skinny. Even Nurse Jennifer pointed out that the numbers on the scale aren’t exactly an indication of one’s health and she’s right. I’d rather keep my 30 extra pounds and just eat sensibly (and enough) and keep active. That way I shouldn’t gain any more. Most older people are heavy for a reason, though. If they could just lose it and keep it off, they would.

I misunderstood how the live health site works. I thought I could talk to a therapist instantaneously if I was alone when a panic attack hit but no, you still have to schedule an appointment. You can talk to a medical doctor right away but not therapists.

Tom reminded me that it’s totally up to me whether or not I want to schedule a video therapist appointment, see Stacey, or not see anyone at all. He insists I don’t worry about the time and money.

I think for now I’m just going to schedule the shrink later on this morning and forget about the therapist, video or not. I honestly don’t see what more they can do. As Dr. O said, I can’t just “talk this out.” The anxiety. They’ll always be there if I change my mind later on. Right now I’m just dreading the day the anxiety returns. I’m also worried about my upcoming lab results. This Friday will be 6 weeks on 75s, and even though how I feel is what matters most, I worry about my numbers being too high. It would make me anxious just seeing my T4 hit 1.4, but at the same time, I’m worried my TSH is still high.

Just scheduled the shrink appt. I think it’s pretty sad that it takes 8 fucking months to see one. I expected April or May, not August 29th.

I created a second Bubbly account since I ended up regretting telling Aly about it since I have no way of knowing if she’s curious enough to follow me there. Especially since I’ve learned that if you’re not logged in it won’t trigger the listen counter. The funny thing is that when I got the welcome email, I was the first of three people it recommended I listen to, LOL. These days I prefer people only to know what I tell them directly and I feel like I can speak more freely with this other account. There’s always the chance that Aly or Kim could be browsing users and happen to recognize my voice since I’m not using colorful pictures they would normally associate me with. If they do, though, they do. Until then, although I may never know if they do discover it unless they tell me, I feel like I can be more open.

Open about people like Aly. It’s quite a coincidence that while she says she no longer feels a need to protect tweets on the Twitter account we’re connected on, she goes and protects her other account. Now, why do I have a feeling it’s because she knows I’m following her there? She probably didn’t do it as soon as I slipped with the band name I shouldn’t have known cuz she figured that’d appear too obvious if she did.

Fine, let her say nasty shit about me that she doesn’t have the guts to tell me face-to-face in a manner I don’t see it in. Still wonder if I’m one of the ones she was considering toxic and in need of getting rid of, and while I prefer us to remain friends, if she dumps me, she dumps me. There won’t be a third reconciliation, though, if she does. She hasn’t given me any indication that she’s back to considering me as “not having anything to offer as a friend” or “bringing her down,” but she doesn’t always say what’s on her mind either. We haven’t been arguing about anything but who knows what she’s thinking? All I know is that if I’m making any New Year’s resolution at all, it’s that I resolve not to bother with those who don’t want to bother with me. You dump me, you lose me forever. End of story. And no looking up and reaching out to people from 20-30 years ago to say hi that never do the same to me. Let’s see someone else look me up for a change!

Tracking my blood pressure on ccctracker.com/aha and it seems to be an easy and convenient tool that even Tom created an account to track his as well. I like the way it also lets me record my amazingly good HR lately, and highlights the numbers with different colors, depending on if you’re normal, elevated, stage 1, stage 2, or in crisis. I can also create a PDF file to print copies for my doctor in March.

Had a dream involving a couple of younger ladies and I’m guessing I was young, too. Many of us, including myself, were suddenly displaced due to an apartment building either closing down or becoming inhabitable for some reason. A flaky girl with hot pink hair promised to let me stay with her before some kind of event that was going on that night. Not sure if it was a holiday or maybe it was just Saturday night and everyone was in a partying mood. It seemed like we were at some kind of outdoor mall. The weather was cold and crisp and there were many shops and eateries that people were milling in and out of.

I eventually lost track of the pink-haired girl who was supposed to give me a place to stay and ended up talking to a quieter, more conservatively dressed blond girl who said I could stay with her if the pink girl didn’t come through. I was so grateful that I promised to clean her place and give her a foot or back massage anytime she wanted. She didn’t say anything to that though I got the feeling that she liked me and was almost glad the pink girl wasn’t likely to make good on her word.

Deciding to make one last-ditch effort to locate the pink girl and find out what was going on, I told the blonde girl I would check this particular store out and then let her know if I could learn anything.

The blonde girl thought she should be the one to go in and see if she could find out any information, thinking the pink girl would be more likely to be more honest that way. She asked me for my favorite kind of gum as an “excuse” to enter the store.

I guess pink girl must have bailed because next thing I knew I was in the passenger seat of the blonde girl’s car as she drove down a dark and nearly deserted street.

Again I thanked her, saying it would have been too cold to be homeless that night.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 1, 2019 Citrus Heights, CA Age: 53

It’s been wonderful starting the new year off without all the damn planes but I’m sure they’ll be back in a day or so. Especially if it wasn’t just a holiday thing. I don’t know, maybe they built another airport closer to us. I’ll find out soon enough because they’ll be back at it late tonight or early tomorrow morning if it wasn’t just about the holidays.

Saw Nurse Jennifer yesterday and she wasn’t the one I thought I was going to be seeing. She’s an Asian woman I haven’t seen around the place before. Saw a couple of other nurses I recognized since I’ve been there 50 million times already but this is the first time I’ve seen Jennifer. She was a nice lady. She too, weighs about what I weigh and doesn’t look it because she’s active and fit.

She looked at my beautiful spreadsheet with my not-so-beautiful numbers and agreed my morning numbers aren’t too bad but my afternoon and evening numbers are high. Anything over 140 is worrisome and I have a lot of readings in the 140s-150s. 120/70 is optimal, 130/80 is our goal, but 140/90 is definitely high.

She gave me a sheet of paper with tips on reducing blood pressure and the best way to take BP readings, most of which I already knew.

I asked if high blood pressure could be causing my fatigue and dizziness and she said it definitely could because the heart has to pump harder which makes you tired, and because things can’t circulate properly, this can leave you dizzy. I could also have issues with the crystals in the inner ear.

The doctor, who won’t be back until Wednesday, must have known I would be coming in with shitty numbers because she decided I should go on a low dose of lisinopril. Tom was with me and he had forgotten the name of the blood pressure medication he was on before losartan that caused him to cough all the time. But as soon as he heard the name, he knew that was the one that made him cough. I’m so glad I took him in there with me! Jennifer did confirm that coughing is a side effect of lisinopril.

So I asked if I could try losartan instead since Tom hasn’t had any problem with it. He’s actually on the 2-in-1 that has a diuretic along with the BP medicine. I told her I had a medication phobia and that while it would be scary either way, it wouldn’t be as scary if I tried that instead. She said she saw it listed that I have a medication phobia.

She’s going to run it by the doctor and I’m guessing she won’t have any problem with trying me on losartan. Really REALLY hope it helps with my fatigue and dizziness!!! Polly said it helped hers and she’s been on blood pressure medication for years. It’s just that I woke up tired and dizzy, as I do most days, and my blood pressure was almost normal at that time. So does that mean there is no connection or what? I guess I’ll find out soon enough but not until the end of the week.

Wasn’t impressed with Excel or Google Docs spreadsheets so I made my own in Word and will be keeping a record of just my morning and nighttime readings.

For now, I’m going to enjoy the 77 days that I’ll be appointment-free!

[drwcn]

follow up to [post] exploring the crack au if lwj was a girl 

〒▽〒 ps im not trying to erase canon lwj representation, not at all, wangxian is mm in all my other fics, this is just stupid fun

in a ceteris paribus situation aka all other things staying equal: 

1) Lan Wangji 100% still has a resting bitch face, which probably would get her a couple of “Lan-er-guniang 美若天仙 (beautiful as an immortal/goddess) but would benefit from smiling more” comments but nobody is that desperate to die yet so, she’s spared. But damn... imagine the sheer number of thirsty boys who’d try to secure a marriage with LWJ. None of them is good enough for Wangji as far as Lan Xichen is concerned. Okay - maybe in Lan Xichen’s opinion, Nie Mingjue is good enough, but he couldn’t be less interested. I see her as I see Huaisang, Xichen please. 

2) Everything interaction between Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian in Wei Wuxian’s first life is now 500% more scandalous. 

Exhibit A) Their first meeting at the gates; Jiang Cheng immediately felt his spidey senses tingling.  —“You’d sooner have immortals flying out of your ass than get with someone like her. The second jade of Gusu? The pearl in old man Lan’s eyes? C’mon.”  —“Shut up, A-Cheng.” —“Uh-huh.”  —“Also, she’s not that pretty. Her brother Zewu-jun is much better. There’s a reason he’s ranked first.” WWX is still a disaster bi.  — “LMAO, you? Zewu-jun? Please.” 

Exhibit B) Just because LWJ is a girl does not mean WWX grew more brain cells. 

WWX, straight up to Lan Qiren’s face, “Lan-meimei and I - we’re zhiji.” (he means it like we’re kindred spirits, peas of a pod, etc)  LWJ: *does not deny* Lan Xichen: ⚆_⚆ Lan Qiren: ಠ╭╮ಠ

Exhibit C) Lan Wangji getting drunk the first time. Wei Wuxian knew he crossed a line the minute he invited Lan-er-guniang for a drink. Really, WWX, even for you, this is inappropriate. When Lan Wangji fell face first onto the table, Wei Wuxian knew, he fucked up. “Hey....hey...Lan....Lan...-er-guniang,” He poked her. “Don’t...don’t sleep here! You can’t sleep here! If your Uncle finds out or if Jiang-shushu finds out...they’ll skin me alive and then...and then they’ll make me marry you! I don’t want to marry you; you don’t talk and I’m too young!” 

WWX, being a dipshit, “Hey Lan Zhan, call me Wei-gege.”  LWJ, drunk as fuck, “Wei..gege.”  WWX *((( heart )))* ??? 

Exhibit D) The Cold Pond. Okay, so I don’t think Zewu-jun would sabotage his sister’s virtue by sending a stupid teenage boy her way while she’s bathing, but doesn’t mean Su She is above all that. Wei “I didn’t see anything I swear!” Wuxian. Lan “I will gouge out your eyes.” Wangji. Somehow they still end up in the cave. Maybe WWX got in the water after LWJ got out and got sucked into the vortex and LWJ heard the commotion, turned around, saw WWX had disappeared. “Wei Ying?!” A panicked LWJ jumps back into the pond, “Stop fooling around, come out!” 

Jiang Cheng and Wen Qing 👀👀 when LWJ and WWX fall out of the cave together. Also the fact that Lan-er-guniang and Wei-gongzi went missing, together, for two days. Who knows what could’ve happened. I mean anything really. I mean... that’s gotta stir the pot a little were it not for the Yin Iron stealing everyone’s attention away from this bit of juicy scandal. 

Oh the whole story... so much to work with, so little time. 

3) Because Lan Wangji is a girl, now suddenly there’s a high ranking member of the Lan Clan who can host the girls at Cloud Recesses. I mean, Mianmian, Jiang Yanli, Wen Qing, Lan Wangji - SISTERLY FRIENDSHIP. Other than Mianmian, none of the girls are really talkers which suits Lan Wangji perfectly. Even Mianmian’s chatter is endearing.

4) Lan Wangji is absolutely still a powerhouse during the Sunshot Campaign. The inherent aesthetics of fem!lwj telling the Wen goons to “kneel” - no one will deprive me of this.  Also she will still cut off your arm if you cross her - Xue Yang and Jin Guangyao ya better watch out still. 

I am TORN between two options: Lan Wangji tol and kickass or Lan Wangji smol and kickass. On one hand, the aesthetics of willowy elf-like LWJ, on the other hand, 5′2′’ of whoop ass who can and will throw an unconscious wwx over her shoulder firewoman-style and toll him to safety.  

And amongst other things: 

A) Lan Wangji still becomes Chief Cultivator, because excuse me who else is left to clean up this mess? Jiang “Short-fuse” Wanyin? Nie “I won’t do what I’m not intended to do” Huaisang? Jin “13 year-old” Ling? Or Sect Leader Yao?  Technically, being a woman means that she was never Lan Xichen’s heir, but at the end of it, it’s not like Gusu Lan is left with a lot of choices.  Just the poetic justice of Gusu Lan pleading for Lan Wangji to come back when she fully intends to 隐居山野 (retreat into the mountains) with the resurrected WWX.

Lan Wangji being Chief Cultivator would echo Lan Yi’s tenure and rectify the fact that Gusu Lan’s only female head of family “failed”. Lan Yi had to face a mountain of prejudice because she was woman; someone has to say “up yours” to that. A woman as not only the sect master of Gusu Lan but the Chief Cultivator? Love that for Gusu Lans. (⌐■_■) ☞ ☞

B) Because of ~ sexism ~ I wonder if Lan Wangji would get titled “Hanguang” at all even after the Sunshot Campaign. Even Lan Yi, the SL Lan of her time didn’t have a title. Chances are LWJ won’t either. (Note: Violet Spider is not a title, it’s a moniker). So — say after the way Lan Wangji is still just “Lan-er-guniang”, and she does not obtain the title “Han Guang” until after she leaves Cloud Recesses and become rogue. (srsly how did they come up with these titles in canon, did gusu lan just look at 21 year old lwj and be like yah he’s lord light bearer *cue trevor noah stand up joke* why do you call yourself “great” britain? isn’t that a bit presumptuous? shouldn’t you go around doing good things and then let other people come to the conclusion: oh britain look how great you are? same logic with lwj.) 

Lan Wangji, a Jade of Gusu or a nameless rogue, still goes where trouble is, helping those who need it. After laying low for a year or two to heal, Lan Wangji began night hunting. Donned neck to ankle in white silk and tulle, and a weimao (wide brimmed veil hat) obscuring her face, she became known to the people as Hanguang Sanren, the lightbearing wanderer. Gusu’s highest power probably has some idea who she is - or at least they can guess - but the vast majority of people don’t. 

C) Lan Sizhui raised by rogue Lan Wangji as his mum would be different. Still cultured, respectful, but definitely with an air of keeping others at arm’s length. 

For instance, grown-up Sizhui running interference and saving a cohort of gentry disciples on joint hunts.

Jingyi: 这人谁呀？Who is this guy? Zizhen: 多谢兄台搭救之恩，小可看您眼生，敢问兄台尊姓大名，何门何派，改日当登门拜访. Many thanks for saving us. I don’t believe we’ve met, pray tell what is your name and sect, so we may visit at a later time to thank you for tonight. Sizhui: 在下无门无姓 ，单名思追 。举手之劳不足挂齿 ，怎敢劳烦各位名门子弟答谢。My name is Sizhui, belonging to no family and to no sect. As for tonight - I only did what anyone would; it bears no mentioning and requires no thanks. Jin Ling: 你这人，看你工力不凡，想和你交个朋友，可你怎么遮遮掩掩的。Hey you, we see you’re a talented cultivator and want to make your acquaintance. Why are you so dodge-y? Zizhen：金陵 — Jing Ling - Sizhui: 若是有缘，还会相见。告辞。If it’s fated, we will meet again. Farewell.  

Later:  Jingyi: 思。追。 思追谁？Si. Zhui. To recollect and long for whom?  Sizhui: 母亲的一位故人. Someone from Mother’s past.  Jingyi: 你父亲？...Your father?  Sizhui: 我不知。I don’t know. 

I thought about how cute it would be if sizhui and jin ling knew each other but guys...Jiang Cheng literally thinks he killed Sizhui’s biological father. Like he literally thinks he orphaned Sizhui before Sizhui is even born. And Lan Wangji would never accept anything from Jiang Wanyin, not that it would stop Jiang Wanyin from trying. 

A package of books here, a new robe for Sizhui there. Lan Wangji doesn’t know how Jiang Cheng keeps finding her. She and Sizhui are nomadic.  

D) The inevitable conversation after wwx is revived. 

You know what would be funnier than Jiang Cheng thinking Sizhui is a wangxian baby is if Lan Qiren thinks Sizhui is a wangxian baby. 

[dameronology]

pancakes & promises {finnick odair}

ok i don’t normally write for the hunger games but here is some morning fluff for 2 of my faves, @karasong​ & @megmeg-chan​ (based on meg’s request). i hope you enjoy💕

warnings: none...except swearing 

The mornings were always one of Finnick’s favourite times.

Things were quiet; calm and quell, worlds away from his hectic past and tainted memories. Finnick was never without a charming smile or flirty comment but behind his endearing exterior, there was a vortex of dark memories. The warm blue eyes you often caught staring at you had seen worlds of pain. The large hands that were the source of half his affection had once wielded weapons. He’d become so used to the noise - of the arena, of the war, of his own thoughts - that the silence was almost strange. He’d spent years trying to escape it, trying to fill it with the sound of gentle music and white noise and the low fuzz of the radio but nothing had worked. 

Then there was you. Between his arms underneath cover of the darks, head buried in his neck as you gently snored. The tickle of your breath against his bare skin and hands softly gripping onto his arms was an anchor. With your legs tangled underneath the sheets with his and your warmth beside him, he wasn’t afraid of the silence anymore. If anything, it was something he began to appreciate. It was a sign of change - change for the better. Most of which had been brought on your presence in his life. You were a barrier to the past, really. A definitive and constant existence intertwined with his that protected him from the bad parts of history. It was contained nicely in two parts: before you and after you. It was the latter he was so desperately holding onto, more than willing to throw the other into the abyss. 

Finnick had woken that morning as usual; naturally, thanks to the sunlight leaking through the blinds. If you weren’t wrapped up in his arms, usually thanks to your tendency to roll away in the night, he’d reach out for you without thinking. Instead of being met with your warm skin, his fingers came into contact with the sheets. They were cold - you must have been gone a while. He immediately sat up, a frown etched on his features. You were never gone. Why were you gone?

Then he heard you - in the kitchen, kettle going and singing quietly. That was another thing he wasn’t used to: domesticity. Someone to look after him, instead of it constantly being the other way around. Finnick made a point to care for you and look out for you, and he would have done it even if you’d completely denied him of love, but you didn’t. It was a relationship of equals. And equals didn’t often come along in these times.

Wrapping the sheet around his waist, he slipped out of bed and padded through to the kitchen. You were stood by the cooker, his shirt hanging off of your shoulders and a song playing quietly on the radio. 

It was one of those moments he couldn’t really explain; it was so simple, so domestic and sweet, but one he was happy to stay in forever. He’d experienced everything else in life - moments of heroic grandeur, moments of great loss - but somehow, it was the little things he wanted to hold onto. The sight of you in the morning; the smell of your body wash on your skin after a shower; the feeling of your soft hands tracing the scars that littered his skin. It was normal to remember all the big flashpoint moments, but what about all the tiny ones in between? The things that interconnected all the different eras of his life? Ones like this, where nothing in particular was happening, but that were so worth holding onto.

He leant against the door frame, watching you for a moment. Finnick didn’t want to disturb you - or maybe he wanted to savour the moment. He woke up to you every morning but he wanted to remember each and individual single day. That was something he’d come to learn, having been reminded of his mortality so many times. He’d be damned if he was going to hold onto the moments that made him stare death in the face and tell it to back the fuck down so many times. 

The floor-boards beneath creaked slightly as he re-adjusted himself, causing you to jump slightly. You glanced over your shoulder at him, a smile playing on your lips as your eyes caught his. The morning sun was coming from through the kitchen window, pouring over you in a way that you made you seem almost other worldy. It was fitting, really.

‘G’morning.’ You greeted him through a mouthful of pancakes. ‘I made pancakes. Or I tried to make pancakes.’

His eyes followed your hand as you gestured up to the ceiling. There two or three half cooked pancakes stuck up there, clearly hanging on with all their might. 

‘What’s with the splatters on the wall?’ Finnick raised an eyebrow at you.

‘Oh, those ones hit the ceiling fan.’ You bit your lip to suppress a laugh, eyes falling to the floor. You could feel your cheeks heating up his intense gaze, even as a grin broke across his face. 

‘You never cook.’ Finnick said. He made his way over towards you, broad arms snaking around your waist as he pulled you into him. ‘The oven in this house is purely for decoration.’

‘I wanted to surprise you.’ You admitted. ‘I know you love pancakes and it’s been a while since we’d had them. Thought it might be a nice thing to wake up to.’

He could have sworn that his heart stopped at that. Finnick had spent so much of his life running from people, watching his own back and constantly looking over his shoulder. To have someone to actually do things for him, to (try and) cook for him with his favourite food in mind? The feeling was still entirely new to him. You were still entirely new to him. You did things for him without even thinking about just...because. Your love for him was reason enough. 

A silence fell over you for a moment as he just stared at you, intense blue gaze holding your own. He still couldn’t believe that you were real, even with your hands resting on his shoulders and your presence right before his eyes. The funny thing was that it wasn’t like the moment was particularly special, or big, or even interesting. It was just you and him in the kitchen, something which was quite mundane, truth be told. But maybe that was it: the fact it was mundane. His entire life had been so fucking crazy, so filled with panic and blunder and change, that to have something constant enough to even be considered mundane? That in itself was extraordinary. You were extraordinary. 

‘Hey.’ You gently brushed your hand over his cheek. ‘You’re staring.’

‘Yeah, I know. At you.’ He replied.

‘Okay, maybe let me rephrase that.’ You softly laughed. ‘Why are you staring?’

‘I just...’ he trailed off, biting his lip for a moment. ‘I just really love you.’

‘I love you too, Fin.’ You leant forwards, brushing your lips against his. 

Finnick was a good kisser; you knew that better than anyone. Somehow, every kiss felt like your first. His lips were always soft, always warm and welcoming. That, paired with his hands on your hips and the way he ran them up and down your sides, was enough to make you forget the entire world around you. He was enough to make you forget the entire world around you. As far as you cared - and as far as you wanted to care - it was just you and him, and nobody else. You were the center of his universe and he wasn’t willing to let anybody else in.

‘Oh, shit.’ You suddenly pulled away when the pancake on the stove started to spit smoke. ‘This one was gonna be good! And you distracted me!’

‘Darling, I always distract you.’ His cocky grin returned as he leant against the counter beside you. 

‘You were being so soft a minute ago.’ You quipped, jokingly rolling your eyes. 

‘I can be both.’ He grabbed your arm, yanking you back towards him. He wrapped his arms around your waist, 

‘I liked it when you were confessing your love for me.’ You softly murmured, pressing your forehead to his.

‘Want me to do it again?’

‘I certainly won’t complain.’

‘Okay.’ His grin faded to a thoughtful smile. ‘I love you so much that it’s almost overwhelming. In fact, it might be completely overwhelming but I don’t even mind.’

‘That’s better.’ You pressed another kiss to his lips. ‘And I love you too, so much that it is also almost overwhelming.’

‘Almost?’ Finnick quipped. ‘I’d argue I’m entirely overwhelming-’

‘- I also fell in love with your humbleness.’ You shot back. 

‘I will accept your declaration of almost overwhelming love so long as you promise it’s forever.’ He replied. He knew how cheesy he was being, but it was one of the things he was good at.

‘Of course.’ You grinned. ‘Forever?’

‘Forever.’ 

[dalekofchaos]

Hot Take: The Life Is Strange fandom really doesn't take bullying as serious as they should sometimes especially when they stan a bully and hate a victim of bullying. By this I mean Warren, the boy has been bullied by guys like Nathan and people often say that it meant Warren had something deeper and darker in him when in reality he's been a victim of probably the Vortex club's bullying for so long and not to mention, Nathan did some fucked up shit and was quite literally a threat to him and Max and Chloe. Warren is seen as bad for beating up a bully who quite literally had a fucking gun and had been sending threats and vandalizing Max's room. But Victoria, who is majorly liked by the fandom and has uploaded and hasn't taken down a video of Kate making out with all those boys for no good reason other than maybe jealousy or insecurity. She was even writing shit in red marker on a missing person's poster, saying who cares if Rachel is missing, and seemed too insensitive. Her insecurities are so bad in which she tries to bully another girl to death and will not hold herself accountable for her role which imo was much bigger than Nathan's, Jefferson's, and Madsen's.

She bullied her and encouraged the bullying of Kate Marsh whilst also just making this girl's life hell for no reason other than she's insecure. Yet Warren is the one who is heavily hated on, considered to be a possible rapist, an assaulter, and the trope he's obviously made about is heavily used in proving how Warren isn't really Max's love interest or comphet crush. But no one ever holds Victoria accountable and the way she was written especially her supposed redemption arc was really weak imo and if anything in order to call her out about the Kate incident, you have to take the chance of her being in danger or possibly being endangered. Victoria Chase is also based on the mean girl trope yet people never say or doubt her redemption arc or say she's supposed to truly be a bitch. Like Victoria Chase imo didn't get held accountable for that and her redemption arc if you can call it that was so weak and barely touches the surface of what she did. Hell even Rachel is given more hate and treated more unfairly than Victoria.

She at most deserved a better redemption arc but even then, people feel sympathy for her which yeah her being kidnapped by Jefferson was so shitty but like all because of her insecurities? She is a rich white woman who has both of her parents, doesn't have any disabilities I know about, she is lucky to be able to afford good health and more. Her insecurities are the least of anyone's worries and is never portrayed as a bad problem for her. Her being insecure to the point of bullying people for no reason, is not healthy or small in anyway. I wanted Victoria to have a better arc, replaying the game and there are hints and small moments in the game in which she is shown to be more humane and nice and I don't deny there is something deeper. I wish we were able to see it more especially if she was being redeemed. As much as Chloe was fucked over and deserved better, so much of everyone in the game were fucked over by the blatant focus on Chloe, Rachel, Jefferson, and other characters.

I tend to agree with this.

Warren is unfairly hated and is somehow more hated than Jefferson, the pedo murderer. Frank, the pedo drug dealer. Victoria, the elitist queen bee who probably bullied the entire school and is responsible for pushing Kate up on the roof and refuses to take responsibility. Nathan, the elitist misogynistic homophobic bully who's obsessed with sexual abuse and was involved with the Dark Room.

As for Warren as a romance option. Here's the thing. Warren could've been taken more seriously as a love interest for Max if the developers cared. To me, Max and Warren had a budding romance that had potential, but it lacked depth because the developers put very little effort into exploring their relationship, both platonically and romantically. I mean hell, we can't even visit Warren's dorm, learn about him as a character, learn about his past or even get a fucking end credit scene of Max and Warren Going Ape.

The hatred the fandom has for Rachel is absolutely insane. They are literally slutshaming a teenage girl who was groomed by her murderer, taken advantage by every grown adult in her life, used by everyone in Blackwell, slutshamed and bullied by Victoria and the Vortex Club and even Arcadia Bay itself. And you're telling me you hate her for being a victim of circumstances she wanted to escape? What the fuck is wrong with you people?

I won't get into Nathan, you can read that here. Even though I still think they should have kept Nathan alive so they could've finished off whatever character arc they had for him, even I realize Nathan was a terrible person. Regardless of how his father and Jefferson influenced, pressured or abused him. Nathan was in full control of his actions. He is responsible for more than likely overodsing Rachel, drugging and attempting to rape Chloe(in deleted files, Nathan tells Chloe she could've been his "best model" drugging Kate, taking her to Jefferson, slutshaming Kate for the viral video, beating up Warren, bullying Warren, bullying Max, threatening to kill Max. As nice as it is to think of a Nathan Prescott with a better social circle, the Nathan Prescott we know from the game is responsible for his actions and he deserves to suffer for his crimes behind bars. Unfortunately, according to LIS 2, it looks like Nathan will be released soon according to David's conversation with Joyce. Look, I don't think he should be demonized for being mentally ill, I am holding him accountable for what he's done. I like what he could've been? The Nathan we got? He's a privileged white boy who used his power and privilege to bully and harass anyone he felt inferior to him, he willingly participated in the drugging, rape and murder of Rachel Amber, the drugging and probable rape of Kate Marsh(Kate herself said she felt dirty) the attempted rape and the murder of Chloe Price. Nathan Prescott should be held accountable for his actions

I ship Marshfield and Chasefield, but even I don't get how Victoria is so loved in the fandom. She's a clone of Regina George and Cordelia Chase without the empathy or growth.

Cordelia Chase has one of the best character arcs in the Buffyverse(at least until Whedon ruined everything)

Regina George has a character defining moment, shame it was deleted tho, this would be a good scene for her development as a character. People are complex and have many traits to their personality. Yes, she is mean, aggressive, confident and composed, but the events that occurred in the movie may have impacted her as a person, and people are not all black and white. There is a soft side to her and moments where she is sympathetic even with her cold character. Plus, she took Cady under her wing, and has grown to love her as a friend.

Victoria has no such self awareness. She won't even acknowledge that the viral video helped caused this and take culpability. Without the incident at the party, Kate would've never been a victim of the Dark Room.

The only sign of character development Victoria has is "self-esteem issues" that's it. No empathy for Kate or anyone else she's bullied, she does feel bad about Kate, but that's pretty much it.

She might've changed in the events of "Save Chloe" ending, but we should've actually seen an actual character arc for Victoria in the actual game. I mean, Victoria taking the fall as for why Kate ended up on that roof and getting expelled for it would've been a pretty good moment for her and ultimately, Max, Chloe, Warren and Victoria work together to get justice for Kate.

Honestly, even though I'm slowly relearning to love Chloe, I still hate the fact that Chloe gets all the nuance and development, but Warren, Kate and Victoria literally get nothing.

I do sort of like the fact that Victoria is given another chance at life to become a better person, I just fucking hate the fact that David, the abusive step-father and stalker of high school girls lived, while Warren and Kate do not.

[zedecksiew]

Kriegsmesser

When I received Kriegsmesser in the mail I finally googled "kriegsmesser", and found out it meant "war knife". Which makes sense; Gregor Vuga's ZineQuest 2021 project is a tribute to "roleplaying games named after medieval weapons".

I love Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay's piss-renaissance Old World setting. I tend to pick up WFRP-a-likes sight unseen:

Warlock (quality);

Small But Vicious Dog (yesss);

Zweihander (which I have come to hate); etc.

Anyway: I backed Kriegsmesser without really knowing anything about it. So Kriegsmesser surprised me.

+

Kriegsmesser grew out of a Troika! cutting. Its 36 backgrounds are compatible with that system: each come with a couple of lines of description; a list of skills and possessions; an a visual cameo cropped from actual 16th-Century woodcut art.

Cohesive and competently flavourful. My favourite is the Labourer, who always starts with "an empty pine box":

"You've spent your life breaking your back, working hard for other people's profit. You have nothing to show for it but a spectre of the future."

(The obligatory ratcatcher-analogue , called the Vermin Snatcher, is here -- check that box!)

+

Kriegsmesser also comes with its own ruleset. Hits all the notes it needs to, with lots of orientation and advice for how to run a game -- but ultimately super-simple, mechanically:

Roll d6s equal to the value in a relevant skill, look at the highest result. 6 means you get what you want; 5 or 4 means you get what you want, at a cost.

It's not quite a dice pool, since only the highest result matters. No opposed tests.

+

Kriegsmesser intends to have this base mechanic handle fights, too. The combat rules - with armour, toughness and weapon values -- are nested in an optional section.

For a WFRP-a-like, this feels like a purposeful departure.

Many of WFRP's most celebrated adventures are celebrated for bits that their underlying ruleset does little to support: the investigative structure of "Shadows Over Bogenhafen"; the complicated timetable of "Rough Night At Three Feathers".

Ludwig von Wittgenstein never needed a statblock to be memorable.

Not to say that lethal, hyper-detailed fights isn't super Warhammer-y. (Kriegsmesser includes an injury table, broken down by body-part -- check that box!)

But here it feels like Gregor is saying: "I'm not Games Workshop and Roleplay isn't an ancillary of Warhammer Fantasy Battle; we can evoke grim-and-perilous-ness even if we fork away from heavy combat rules."

+

It has become ritual for me to read my partner Sharon to sleep.

Sometimes I read her RPG things. The other night, after I read her Kriegsmesser's introduction --

" The Empire wages an eternal war against Chaos. Its priests preach of Chaos as an intrusion, something unnatural ... These men see Chaos in anything that does not buttress their rule. They call it disorder, anarchy, corruption. They say that to rebel against their order is to rebel against god and nature. That the current arrangement is natural, rather than artificial.

" Meanwhile, the common people look to the Empire to deliver the justice that they were promised and they find none. They look to the Empire and do not see themselves reflected in it. They look around at what they were taught was right and good and see only misery.

" Their world begins to unravel. Chaos comes to reside in every heart and mind sound enough to look at the world and conclude it is broken. "

-- Sharon remarked: "Nice one."

The RPG things I read her generally leave Sharon lukewarm. She has enjoyed a couple -- but, yeah: for many of these books, text isn't their strong point.

Kriegsmesser is the only time I can recall Sharon praising the writing of an RPG book without my prompting.

Nice one.

+

That introduction surprised me. It underlines Kriegsmesser's biggest departure from its WFRP-a-like pedigree: how it characterises Chaos.

Corruption, a mainstay of most grim-dark-y games, is made an optional rule, like combat. Explaining this, Gregor writes:

" Kriegsmesser partially subverts or deconstructs the traditional conceit of Warhammer where the characters are threatened by the forces of Chaos. In this game it is the player characters who are the agents of 'Chaos': they are likely to become the 'rats' under the streets, and the wild 'beast-men' in the woods bringing civilisation down. It's the Empire and its nobles and priests that are corrupt ... "

Describing the Empire, Gregor writes:

" The Empire encompasses the world yet is terrified of the without. It enforces itself with steel and fire yet considers itself benevolent. It consumes the labour of others with bottomless hunger yet calls its subalterns lazy, or wasteful, or greedy. "

Holy shit this is the first time I've seen the word "subaltern" in an RPG thing, I think?

I love this.

+

Rant incoming:

With every passing decade Warhammer abridges its Moorcockian roots more and more; nowadays it is "Order = Good" and "Chaos = Evulz", pretty much.

Gone are the days when chaos berserkers are implied to grant safe passage to the helpless (because Khorne is as much a god of martial honour as he is a god of bloodletting); Or that the succor of Papa Nurgle is a genuine comfort to the downtrodden; Or that Tzeentch could unironically embody the principle of hope, of change for the better.

As Chaos is distilled into unequivocal villainy, Order goons get painted as Good Guys by default --

Giving rise to Warhammer's contemporary problem, wherein fans are no longer able to recognise satire.

+

When I was introduced to 40K, it seemed pretty clear that the Imperium was a Brazil-esque absurdist-fascist bureaucratic state: planets are exterminatus-ed due to clerical error; the way it stamps out rebellions is the reason why rebellions begin in the first place.

Tragi-comic grimdarkness. That was the point.

Nowadays that tone has shifted -- and you're more likely than not going to encounter a 40K fan who argues that the Imperium's evils are a justified necessity, to prevent worse wrongs.

We went from:

"Space Nazis because insane dumbass fuckery, also chainswords vroom vroom rule of badass!"

To:

"Space Nazis because it makes sense actually, and also chainswords make sense because [insert convoluted rationalisation here]."

+

Even Fantasy Flight's Black Crusade line, which ostensibly offers a look at 40K from the perspective of Chaos, never truly commits to its conceit.

With prep you could play a heroic band of mutant freedom fighters, resisting the tyranny of the Evil Imperium --

But I don't remember Black Crusade giving that kind of campaign any actual support. Its supplements service the relatively more conventional "You can play villains!" angle; the Screaming Vortex is a squarely Daemons-vs-Daemons setting.

+

This tonal drift culminates, in my mind, with Age of Sigmar, Games Workshop's heroic-fantasy replacement of the old WFRP / WHFB setting.

Here's the framing narrative for AoS's recently-launched Third Edition. Let's see whether I've got things right:

A highly professionalised, technologically-superior tip-of-the-spear fighting force (the Stormcast Eternals);

Backed by an imperialist military-industrial complex (Azyrheim);

"Liberating" rich new territories (Ghur) for exploitation by a civilised settler culture (Settlers of Sig-- I mean, Free Cities);

Justified because the locals are irredeemable heathens (Chaos and Kruleboyz).

I mean, that's a sweet-ass Warhammer setting. It's contemporary, laser-guided lampoon. Except it is played totally straight.

In AoS, a literal crusade is justified as the moral good.

+

I think Kriegsmesser surprised me because its framing of Chaos -- as a promise, as the light of hope shining through cracks of a broken world --

It feels so fucking right.

Yes: its a subaltern deconstruction of the conventional moral universe of Warhammer -- but it is a take that is also already implied / all but supported in the various depictions of the setting: from WFRP to the modified title-crawl of Black Crusade.

I'm annoyed I didn't think of it, myself. Damn you, Gregor!

And I'm annoyed that more Warhammer fans aren't thinking it, also.

+

lmagine if Kriegsmesser's perspective stood on equal standing as the GW orthodoxy. Imagine if, instead of simplifying stuff into "Order = Good" and "Chaos = Evulz", GW did a Gregor Vuga.

You'd have a Rashomon-ed Warhammer, where villainy depends on perspective:

You are fearful villagers, huddled around your priest, muttering prayers against the wild braying coming from the trees beyond your gates.

You are Aqshyian tribeswomen, defying the thunder warrior towering over you, the foreigner demanding you bow to his foreign god.

You are a Tzeentchian revolutionary cell, desperately trying to disrupt a Inquisitor's transmissions so your home planet isn't destroyed by fascist orbital fire.

+

Get Kriegsmesser HERE.

+++

( Image sources: https://theenemywithinremixed.wordpress.com/2021/05/21/thoughts-on-the-4e-death-on-the-reik/ https://www.criterion.com/current/posts/59-brazil https://www.deviantart.com/faroldjo/art/Warhammer-40k-Black-Crusade-273596035 https://www.warhammer-community.com/2021/06/09/fancy-a-new-life-bringing-order-to-the-mortal-realms-join-a-dawnbringer-crusade-today/ https://www.nme.com/blogs/the-movies-blog/team-america-15-anniversary-south-park-2558750 https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Palestinian_children_and_Israeli_wall.jpg )

[taetaespeaches]

“You’ve been my future since we were teenagers.”

taehyung x reader (or oc) genre: angst; fluff word count: 2.3K

a/n: Hi, lovelies! In this drabble, Peaches gets jealous over Tae getting close with a music collaborator and it leads to a small but a bit heated argument. It just kind of shows how Tae and Peaches handle conflict in their relationship. I hope you all enjoy and thank you for reading! :))

EYES peering over the top of your book, you inhaled deeply at the small smile tugging on your boyfriend’s lips as he stared down at his phone. Taehyung had been like that for most of the twenty minutes since he’d gotten to your place.

He was sat at the opposite end of the couch, you perpendicular to him on your own respective side as you watched him text his collaboration partner. Frustration building, you closed your book and tossed it to the coffee table, drawing Tae’s eyes for one of the first times that night.

You met his widened gaze. “I can’t focus,” you answered his silent question, the man nodding as he kept staring at you. His hand curled around your ankle, soothing your limb for a moment before you pulled your legs off the couch and stood up.

Without a word, you left the room to the kitchen, feeling Tae’s watchful eyes on you. Standing above the sink, you prepared to do the dishes before your boyfriend’s arms wrapped around your waist, resting his chin on your shoulder. “I told you I’d do the dishes, Peaches,” he said gently, his nose nuzzled against your neck.

“I just thought you were too busy on your phone,” you told him coldly, Taehyung looking up at you.

“Are you mad at me?” He asked sheepishly, you sighing.

“I’m annoyed with you,” you corrected, Taehyung cocking his head to get a better look at your face.

“Why?” He asked tentatively. You were sure he already knew why, but he must have needed to hear it.  

“You spent the entire day with her in the studio and now you’re spending the evening smiling at your phone as you text her,” you told him coldly, plugging the sink to fill it with water. You were never one to evade conflict, which was something Taehyung appreciated about you. Neither of you ever played games with each other when it came to your emotions.

“You’re jealous?” He asked, a small amused smile forming on his lips.

“Of course, I’m jealous,” you told him, looking down at him with a glare.

The man let out a light laugh, dismissing your frustration. “You shouldn’t be, Peaches.”

Shrugging him off, Taehyung backed away slightly, removing his arms from your body in concern. “Don’t laugh, it’s not funny,” you told him angrily, not impressed by him trying to make light of your jealousy, no matter how silly he found it to be.

“Wait, you’re like jealous?” He emphasized the word as if it gave it a different meaning. You supposed it did, because you weren’t feeling the cute form of jealousy where you pouted and acted protective of him from whoever was trying to steal his attention. You were feeling the bad kind of jealousy where doubts started to seep into your thoughts, along with all of your insecurities.

“Yes,” you told him shortly. “Obviously.”

“There’s nothing to be jealous of,” he assured you, staring at you intently as you avoided meeting his eyes. “Peaches.”

“Ever since you started the collab you’ve been talking about her constantly and-”

“Not her, I’ve been talking about the collab,” he interrupted, making you turn to look at his face, his expression showing his quick rise to anger. “Because I’m doing a collab. My first one outside of the group,” he explained.

“You’re sitting there on the couch with me, smiling at your fucking phone, Taehyung,” you lectured, your boyfriend taking a deep breath.

“I’m talking to a friend and collaborator about our collaboration. You don’t have a reason to be jealous,” he told you again, the words just pissing you off further.

“And yet here I am being jealous, so explain that to me,” you glared at him. When he shrugged, you huffed. “I have reason to be jealous, and that’s on you.”

“That’s not on me,” he defended crossly, his eyebrows pulled together. “That’s on you and your irrationality.” The words were mean and you both knew it, but he stood stubbornly as he expected your irate response.

“Oh, fuck off,” you spewed, crossing your arms across your chest. Taehyung shot you a look with just as much anger as you, his tongue swiping out to wet his lips. “Call me irrational again and you’ll see how irrational I can be.” Taehyung kept staring at you, giving no indication of saying more, but also giving you no sign of an apology. “My feelings are valid, don’t dismiss them.”

“I’m not dismissing them but I’m not going to entertain them, and I’m not going to take blame for your crazy accusations,” he told you, anger clouding his judgement and choice of words.

“Crazy?” You asked through a bitter laugh. “Now I’m crazy?”

“If you think I’m cheating on you, then yeah, you’re crazy,” he told you, breaking eye contact for the first time. He couldn’t hold your gaze when he was speaking to you like that, but his pride was too overbearing to allow him to backdown.

With your chest heaving as you fumed, you shook your head. “Well if there’s one way to make me act crazy, it’s by calling me crazy,” you told him coldly. “Keep it up.”

“Jesus, Peaches, I’m just saying if I tell you that you have no reason to be jealous, just listen to me,” he stated in frustration.

Scoffing, you rolled your eyes. “Don’t tell me to listen to you, your actions speak louder than your words, which by the way have been all about this collab anyway,” you said, fully aware of how ridiculous and unsupportive you sounded.

What shot across Taehyung’s face wasn’t anger but rather sadness as he shifted on his feet. “I know I’ve been talking about the collab a lot,” he started, his voice low. “I’ve just been excited about it.”

Fuck. You knew the he was excited about the collaboration, and you wanted him to share all of it with you. His connection with the girl was just grating on your insecurities, and you hated how that was making you react.

“I know you’re excited, I’m excited too, Tae, but you’ve just gotten so close to each other the past week,” you told him, your sadness seeping into your tone, your expression dropping.

“We’re friends,” he reminded you, toying with the bracelets around his wrist.

“We were friends,” you pointed out, Taehyung looking at you in surprise. His wide-eyed expression looked so innocent, you immediately cursed yourself for insinuating that he was repeating your love story with someone else, as if it was some pattern he repeated over and over.  

A tense silence filled the room, a stare off ensuing between you and your lover as you both waited for the other to make a move. You couldn’t read the expression on Taehyung’s face, or maybe you could but didn’t want to admit to yourself that you’d upset him that much. He looked angry and disappointed and beyond hurt.

Suddenly, Taehyung shook his head as he began to turn his back on you, panic rising within you, your heart racing as anxiety hit you like a train. “What are you doing?” You asked in haste, the speed of the words giving away your alarm.

“I don’t want to have this conversation anymore,” he told you, though he didn’t take a step away from you yet. “Not if you’re going to reduce me to some asshole who just tries to get all of his friends in bed.”

“I didn’t-,” you started somberly.

“Didn’t you?” He cut you off sharply. “I pined after you for years, I was in love with you for years,” he reminded you, “And you’re going to throw that in my face as if I just fall for anyone?”

“Tae-”

“I’m in love with you, I’m committed to you,” he pointed out. “I take that very seriously, if I didn’t why would I wait six fucking years to tell you? I mean, jesus christ, I wouldn’t even admit it to myself,” he told you, his volume increasing as he got more worked up.

“I know,” you assured, “I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize now, you were very firm in your stance just a moment ago,” he refused your apology. “You know, I don’t appreciate the doubt.”

“I know,” you repeated lamely.

“I gave my heart to you and you gave yours to me,” he told you with tears gathering along his bottom lash line. “I’ve made it my whole life goal to protect your heart, I wouldn’t cheat on you.”

“I know that, Tae,” you said again.

“Do you?” He asked, tightening his jaw as soon as he posed the question in an attempt to compose himself.

“Yes, I do,” you insisted. Directing his gaze to the kitchen cabinet to his side, he took a deep calming breath. “Tae, I’m not trying to doubt you, I’m just feeling insecure,” you admitted.

“What do you have to be insecure about?” He asked you, turning to meet your gaze.

“Is that a real question?” You asked with a hint of a disbelieving laugh.

“Yeah,” he told you, though you realized with the pureness in his expression that he wasn’t asking because he was dismissing what you believed were your shortcomings. Rather, he genuinely couldn’t understand what you could be insecure about. And that’s when you realized how pointless the whole argument was, because when Taehyung saw you, he saw perfection.

It’s not that he thought you were perfect, he just thought that every single thing about you, flaw or not, was remarkable and worthy of all the love in his heart.

You sighed, dropping your eyes to the floor, wishing it would swallow you up into some time vortex that would allow you to go back to when these feelings first invaded your mind. You’d stop them right then and there, reminding yourself that even though you didn’t see what Taehyung saw, he saw everything in you.

“I wouldn’t even date other people for our entire friendship because no one compared to you. No one has ever been enough since I met you, Peaches,” he spoke overtop your consuming thoughts, you looking up at him tearfully. “You’re my future, and you’ve been my future since we were teenagers.”

“I’m sorry, Dearest,” you pouted.

Taehyung sighed, watching you for a moment as he processed everything that just happened. However, when he saw the first tears fall down your cheeks, his stubborn demeanor melted as he opened his arms to welcome you into a hug. Shuffling the few feet to him, you didn’t hesitate to wrap your arms around his waist, his folding over your shoulders, pulling you close.

“I know you have your insecurities,” he whispered into your hair before leaving a kiss to the top of your head. “But you can’t use those against me like this,” he told you gently.

“I know, I’m sorry,” you apologized again.

“I’m sorry too,” he said sincerely. “I’m sorry I made you feel so jealous, and I’m sorry I dismissed your feelings.”

“I just really love you a lot,” you mumbled against his chest, Taehyung chuckling against your hair.

“I love you, Peaches, you know that,” he told you, reminding you of how dedicated he was to you and your relationship. Nodding against his chest, he smiled. “Look at me, baby.”

Lifting your head to meet his eyes, you found him flashing you a soft smile. “We’re ok,” he told you.

“Ok,” you agreed just as Tae leaned toward you, catching your lips in a sweet kiss.

“Now,” he started, turning you around in one quick twirl so he was holding you in a back hug, gently guiding you toward as he waddled behind you. “You’re going to stand right here, just like this, as I wash these dishes like I promised you I’d do, alright?”

Giggling, you rested your head back against him, looking up at his cheerful face. “Okay,” you responded, dragging out the word with a sigh.

“You wanted my attention,” he reminded you, “now good luck getting rid of it.”

“I don’t want rid of it,” you spoke through a pout, the man chuckling.

“Good,” he grinned before placing a kiss to your temple. “Oh, but first,” he said almost giddily, “do you have your phone? I left mine on the couch.”

“Why?” You asked hesitantly, pulling the phone out of the hoodie pocket, holding it up for him to take. He easily typed the passcode in with one hand, opening up your music app.

“Donny Hathaway or John Lennon?” He asked, you gasping in surprise.

“Tae, no,” you whined, the man gigging behind you.

“Pick one,” he insisted.

With a groan, you lightly bit his wrist that was slung around your chest. “Hathaway,” you relented, Taehyung smiling against your temple as he searched up Donny Hathaway’s cover of ‘Jealous Guy’, a song all about letting your insecurities make you jealous, causing harm to your lover. The song was actually pretty heavy in meaning, but you and Tae had used it in the past to poke fun at yours and his jealous tendencies. It was a way to make light of the situation and turn it into a joke as a means to move past it.

“I was dreaming of the past,” Taehyung sang next to your ear, you elbowing him gently in the ribs, the man giggling as he pressed a series of kisses to your cheek. “I love you,” he told you once more.

“I love you more,” you replied.

As he started the dishes, you standing between him and the sink making the task much more difficult than it needed to be, you were reminded yet again how lucky you were to have someone who made it so easy to forgive, easy to forget. By the time the dishes were all washed, the front of your hoodie was soaked and your cheeks hurt from smiling so much. And your heart? Well that was full of love for one Kim Taehyung.

[alexaplaysgames]

Have Mercy on Me

Pairing: Felix Escellun x GN!MC

Fandom: Fictif (Last Legacy)

Rating: M (swearing, mild sexual content)

Words: ~ 1500

Description: Felix and his barista are a bit less than careful when it comes to concealing their midnight make out sess.

Notes: So Sage suspects that Felix and MC are a thing, but he doesn’t know that they are. Or he didn’t prior to this fic. The last of my Felix writing spree! I’m moving on to some Asra next.

Tags: @margitartist @demon-paradise @themohawkhelmet @cactus-hoodie @aomiyeon @piningmaybeanartist @another-confused-gay

When I imagined travelling with the legendary Starsworn, sitting in the parlour of a run-down inn and getting wasted wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.

Sage grabs a bottle from the table at his feet and takes a hearty swig.

“Even this is failing to entertain me now,” he says, cracking his back as he stands, “I’m going to go pass out.”

“Will you kill me if I call it a cat nap?” I singsong.

Safe glares at me in reply, ears pinned flat against his head. “Do you want to find out?”

I opt to stay quiet as he turns towards the stairs that lead to our rented rooms.

“I think I’m going to turn in for the night as well,” Anisa hums, her green eyes glittering in the firelight. “Goodnight, you two!”

Felix and I sit silently as the sound of creaking wood accompanying footsteps retreats up the stairs.

As soon as the parlour is silent, he turns to me, smirking.

“Ah, to be free of Sage’s incessant pestering.”

I too am rather glad to be alone with him. With all that’s gone on lately, I’ve barely had Felix to myself at all these last few days.

The cracking of the fire is soothing, the silence between us strangely comfortable. It’s rather odd, considering Felix isn’t one for quiet contemplation, and it’s very rare that any situation he’s involved in remains free of awkwardness.

I’m distracted from my thoughts as Felix glances down at our hands, still close together being that we have yet to seperate from our previously crowded position on the sofa.

Once again, I feel myself wishing that he would just ask for things when he wanted them, like he so obviously wants to hold my hand now. Am I doing something wrong? Is this some consequence of his relationship with Rime? I know almost nothing about that, I don’t really want to, but if that deer-man did anything to hurt Felix, I guarantee I’ll snap his antlers like Pixy Stix.

Then again, perhaps some of the hurting was consensual. He did have some choice comments about their sexual relationship that I’ve really been trying to forget. Yikes. I can’t imagine the Felix I know in a relationship anything like that.

He’s too precious... too soft. I feel like getting rough with him would break him, shattering his beauty to shards, like stained glass.

But I wouldn’t mind if he were a bit more forward with me.

“Do you want to hold my hand, Felix?”

He starts, then blushes as he meets my gaze. Felix nods, his expression turning resolute as he slowly reaches for my hand, then intertwines my fingers with his.

I reach to delicately tilt his chin up with the index finger of my free hand.

“I do like you, you know,” I tease, but the words still carry meaning. “You don’t have to be so hesitant.”

“O-okay. I know that, I do. It’s just... difficult,” he scoffs, a frustrated sound deep in his throat. His voice goes soft as he continues, “I haven’t- I haven’t done this since...”

“I know.” He doesn’t need to say Rime’s name for me to know who this is about.

I smile, sultry turning soft, then focus my attention back on the fireplace as Felix lays his head on my shoulder with a soft sigh. Progress. His hair tickles my chin, but I don’t really mind. He smells... nice. Like... well, he actually kind of smells like sage. Sage the plant, not the person. Felix would certainly take offence to the latter. I snicker under my breath just thinking of his reaction if I told him so.

I suddenly shiver as Felix turns his face into my neck, trying to stay still. He’s not a huge fan of casual physical contact, and I don’t want to scare him away. He’s kinda like a pet, a cat, in that any time he gets close I stay shock still in hopes that he won’t run off. He’s like a cat in many ways, actually. Grumpy, recluse, adorable. Another description he would despise, knowing his hatred for Stella. I purse my lips to keep from giggling. Man, if only everyone knew how hilarious I really am.

“You realize,” Felix hums, the vibrations creating goosebumps across my skin. “We are completely alone.”

My amusement fades in an instant, my features stretching into a seductive grin.

“Oh? And what, Felix, oh dignified and talented mage, are you suggesting?”

I can almost feel his face heat from where it’s pressed against the soft skin of my neck.

He sighs, then mumbles, “I beg you not to tease me so. We can’t all be as lascivious as Sage, my dear.”

“Felix,” I tease, despite his request, “are you asking for a kiss?”

He pulls away, face flushed red, biting his lip as he refuses to meet my gaze.

“No.” The answer is obviously yes, and although his pout is adorable, he sounds like a stubborn, petulant child.

I place my hands on both of his cheeks, forcing him to meet my gaze.

“Good. Because you don’t need to ask. If you want to kiss me Felix, go ahead.”

It’s a bold challenge. Never does Felix initiate such things, but I want him to. I want him to want to.

He blinks. Then, slowly, tentatively, he shifts closer to me, the sofa creaks beneath him, and I feel the cushions sink as he leans towards me. His breath fans across my face as he gets impossible closer, his eyelashes fluttering against my cheeks.

It’s in moments like these that it truly hits me: how incredibly intoxicating Felix is. I don’t think I could refuse him if I wanted to; my heart yearns to be swept up in the vortex of his stormy eyes, to drown in a sea as black as his fingernails or as red as his bitten lips.

I can just barely feel the brush of his lips against mine, leaving my breath stuttering in my throat. It’s nice- the closeness, the stillness. Intimate even, with our foreheads pressed together and our mouths just barely touching. I could stay like this with him forever.

Then our lips slide together in a familiar, passionate dance, slow and sensual and utterly delicious. I instinctively move my hands to tangle in his hair, pulling just the way I know he likes, while Felix surprises me by moving one hand to cup my face, the other to skim my thigh, and kissing me back hard, hard enough to make me feel like the breath that fills his lungs, and I struggle to refrain from smiling against the softness of his lips.

I pull away, trying not to notice his bereft, breathy little exhale, just long enough to quirk a brow before I place my hands on his chest and push him back into the sofa, chuckling at the noise of shock that he makes.

And while I love to have him near me, holding me, this is where I like Felix best. Pinned under me as I straddle his waist, wide, silvery eyes reflecting the dying firelight.

I lean over him, tantalizing, teasing, trace a path with my tongue from his collarbone to the shell of his ear, then finish by biting down on his earlobe, rolling the stud he wears in his ear with the tip of my tongue.

Felix gasps, hips involuntarily pressing upwards and against mine, a breathy whine building in his throat. I catch his wrists and pin them above his head, leaning back to admire the mess I’ve made of him.

“So pretty,” I murmur, twirling a strand of his hair with my free hand.

“You are quite,” his voice shakes with his ragged exhale, “resplendent yourself.”

I snort, hum, then lean forward to capture his mouth in a sinful, open-mouth kiss, grinding against him once more in a way that has us both panting into each other’s mouths. I’m not sure how long we stay tangled up like that, rocking together, never parting for longer than it takes to catch a breath.

His skin is surprisingly warm to the touch when my fingers flit under the fabric of his shirt, dipping over the soft give of his stomach, a gentle, exploratory touch I can feel mirrored by Felix’s hands on the bare skin of my arms.

I’m just about to suggest we take this somewhere more private when I’m interrupted by a choking noise. A sound not unlike that of a cat, yakking on a hairball.

Felix and I hastily spring apart, and my gaze is immediately drawn to a tall, white-haired figure standing at the base of the stairs.

“Holy fuck.” Sage whispers, his expression a mix of amusement, awe, and confusion. His eyes dart between the look of sheer mortification that paints my features and Felix’s disheveled appearance and half-open shirt.

Shit.

Felix flops back down, burying his burning red face in a pillow.

“Not now, Sage.”

Sage only smirks. “Interrupted something, did I? By all means, don’t stop on my accord. I’m all for watching, or joining. If you’re into that sorta thing.”

I can only manage to stare, slack-jawed. Is he really suggesting...?

“So,” Sage clears his throat, causing Felix to groan at the realization that he has not yet left. “You two really are-“

I nod.

“No,” he grimaces.

“Yes,” I deadpan.

“No,” he repeats, louder, frantic. “I cannot live in a world in which Felix has game. First Rime, now you? Are you sure you’re the one who got teleported to another dimension?”

“That’s not exactly what-“ Felix finally huffs as he raises his head, glaring.

“Whatever, man. This is some fucked up shit. Majorly fucked up, that’s what I say.” Sage crosses the room, retrieving a dagger from the nearby armchair and twirling it dangerously in his leather-clad grip (I assume this is the reason he came back into the parlour at all).

He makes to move up the stairs, but pauses, throwing me a grin over his shoulder, accompanied by a waggle of his eyebrows.

“But if you ever wanna get a taste of the wild side...”

“Sage!” Felix exclaims, eyes flashing a dangerous green, but the former only snickers.

“Goodnight, horny children. Try to keep the noise level to a minimum, if ya know what I mean.”

I have to slap my hand over Felix’s mouth to stifle his angry retort.

This is going to be a long few days.

[bitegore]

2 for the fic ask meme, for any of your fics bc I’m so curious about like all of them.

2. How did you get the idea to write this?

There's three different methods that lead to me coming up with an idea and all of them are spawned by someone else, pretty much.

1 - Almost always - someone said something, and I decided to run with it. Almost every fic I've ever written is crack treated seriously, in common parlance, because I'm a fucking sucker for humor and I can't see any reason why (for example) "lmaoooooo wouldn't it be funny if vortex dedcided to get back at onslaught by playing such opaque power games that literally no one involved but him knows what he's even doing" and "lmaooooooooo wouldn't it be funny if the evil helicopter got in trouble for capturing and working over optimus prime because megatron is obsessed with him" -> this is a serious smut fic i'm actually working on that i don't intend to be a joke in any real sense. So that's probably 3/4ths of my various bodies of work right there, springboarded off random shit other people say because I'm really not that creative in a vacuum (because no one is!)

A wip like that would be the Wildrider/Brawl Movie Nights fic that i keep mentioning offhandedly and not posting anywhere because it's not done. The two combiner punchydudes who get no spotlight have a running movie night hangout session, that's the entire joke, that's fucking funny. it's so normal it's humorous.

....and then i think about it because it's funny as all get out to me, and i tell people and they say things that make it funnier to me, and i go "but wildrider can't sit still, i do not believe he can watch movies", and "well, they're actually both pretty confident in their positions and not insecure unlike basically every other decepticon ever, so they can actually get along" and "while wildrider is constantly doing stuff he's actually pretty fucking chill," and "they both like explosions" and "they probably share a taste in movies" and then next thing I knew i had 2000 words in a google document.

and THEN i started thinking about how much Motormaster (beloved control freak, absolute asshole<3) would hate that not only was Wildrider hanging out with Starscream's shitty combiner team but he's also hanging out with the (to his eyes) literal bottom tier most utterly pointless guy in the entire faction who is completely useless for anything other than being a big gun and who has NO ambitions and is going to corrupt his crazy punchydude who at least does stuff sometimes. and that was ALSO really funny to me so i added it. and then I thought about how Vortex is inconsistent but loves causing problems for people and I added it. and now Wildrider and Brawl get together to set off fireworks in the driveway, get drunk, kick over some squishy towns for kicks, and watch about 30 seconds of a movie together during an allotted timespan while the other Combaticons give Motormaster a hard time because they think it's funny and he won't properly leave until he has Wildrider back because he may have agreed to let them have a few hours of hangout time but that doesn't mean he likes it and neither Brawl nor Wildrider have any intention to let him supervise

and of couse this is funny as all get out to me in sum. Terrible guys (affectionate) having good clean fun in the Decepticon Army, as they should.

2 - The others are essentially just me shining a light on some corner of a character I feel like has been ignored. Usually those ones are way shorter. Basically all my drabbles are just "think about this character in some way you haven't yet". It goes further, though, there's like. My fucking magnum opus that I never shut up about because I've never Achieved The Vision so clearly ever again, we became such strangers now, fading out, was me holding up springer and impactor and going "you two are closer to each other than you think you are, now make friends" (and, like all my other fics, spawned from someone else saying something - in this case @honestlyvan, whom is possessed of all the best wreckers takes imo, pretty much handed me this one on a platter and helped me beat it into shape). That's like 3k words long. Ditto for what do you do in the house of flies?, where i just shamelessly gave Vortex my own brain problems and also gave Onslaught some very different brain problems and made them Talk. That's a little under 4.5k. I can't think of any wips that are like this, really, not from the spawning point at least, but that's mostly because I usually just crank those fuckers out as fast as possible or give up NO i'm wrong. i'm wrong!

I have a wip like that. It's tentatively titled "something something metal bones" because I hate titles. The entire fic is a character study of Bulkhead of Transformers: Prime, set on the backdrop of him walking through an ancient, abandoned factory under Tyger Pax on Cybertron during the hotter parts of the war in TFP, trying to strip parts out of the ground to repair his ship so he can get the fuck out with his unconscious pilot buddy. The point of it is thus - the factory is trapped in an eternal twilight, because everyone fucked off or died without turning it off, and it's just going and going forever without end until someone turns it off because it's a part of Cybertron and it's not going to run out of fuel or anything. It's falling into ill repair, and the last time anyone living laid eyes on it was centuries ago, and Bulkhead, who used to work in a place like this, knows exactly how unloved and neglected this place has been. And he can't fix it. He has things that need to be done. Instead the best he can do is turn everything off before he leaves, giving it a final rest. It's also an extended allegory for his fears about the war, especially by the time of TFP, because I like my parallels too much and everything has to be everything else. And the other point of it is thus: despite the pressing unease and how fucking sad this is, Bulkhead is still stripping parts out of the ground because he has more important things to do. He's not fixing it, and he's not even going to try, because he's more pragmatic than all that and he knows how to prioritize better than another character might. He's got the necessary callouses to let him move on despite the fact that he's like uniquely positioned to be the fucking saddest about this out of everyone i've written, because this is like walking into his childhood home and seeing that it's rotting and falling apart at every seam, and choosing not to do anything to it except rip some of the flooring up and hit the road.

......i need to finish that one too but i want it to be good and it's hard to write things well sdjfjsdhfl. one day i'll finish and post it and it'll make everyone cry.

3 - And, finally, sometimes someone says something to me and it just is DRENCHED in dramatic irony, absolutely clotted and choking with irony where you know something but the character doesn't and OUGH but if they only knew...

and I write the FUCK outta those things because I love irony. That's the last subset. It goes hand in hand with the other two, though; I think it'd be more accurate to say that a hefty serving of irony is necessary for me to care about an idea, but if an idea isn't a joke and it isn't some side facet of a character no one else is talking about I'll still be invested if it's ironic enough.

(also this isn't an "ironic enjoyment" kind of thing like. i am not saying sincerity is bad, i like sincerity, i love when you have to dig it out of a character with a hammer and a chisel and a pair of tweezers and it hurts the whole way up. i am very unironic about the things i like.I like it as a plot element, not a lifestyle, i'm not one of Those MFs.)

Questions can be found here :D