#but towards the end I got fed up and just told people that I hate both lmao

[plaguedocboi]

Every time I go in a coffee shop that has labeled tip jars that say “tip to vote!” I remember earlier this year when I worked at a coffee shop and my coworkers labeled the tip jars “DC” and “Marvel” and I had to spend a month telling customers that asked which I liked that I think they both suck

[kinardsevan]

as we all know, i haven't really been doing @bucktommypositivityweek because I've been busy working on other stuff. but I still wanted to contribute, and I was feeling inspired reading people's additions for 'outsider perspective'. this was also a character study for one of my OCs.

so have this: -

colors

Wilder Gray was born to be an artist. Color was quite literally in his name. He was also gay fresh out of the womb, and god bless the fact that his parents had accepted that from day one, because otherwise he never would’ve stood a chance. 

Life had been easy for him, mostly. He came from enough money that his parents sent him to semi-private school for he better part of his upbringing. When they’d discovered his ability to draw and paint towards the end of elementary school, he’d been promptly enrolled in the Los Angeles Academy of Arts and Enterprise for intermediate school. Growing up in that kind of environment had fed his need to create as well as be surrounded by other creatives. It also fostered a very accepting community where he never felt out of place or like he couldn’t be exactly who he was. By the time he was in his twenties, enrolled in UCLA, he’d had several serious relationships. 

He met one Thomas Kinard at the age of twenty-five, fresh out of his graduate program with an MFA in interdisciplinary arts. Tommy was just about to turn thirty-three and had looked extremely uncomfortable in his skin as he sat down at a gay bar in WeHo. It would be weeks before Tommy would admit to him that he was freshly out of the closet, and that up until a few months before, the most he’d ever engaged with the community was through one night stands and the boy he had shared a secret relationship with during his five and a half years in the military. 

To be clear, Tommy had rocked Wilder’s universe on its axis. When they first met, Wilder wanted nothing to do with a relationship with him. he knew Tommy was still figuring out his footing with his sexuality now that he was out, and as much as Wilder was willing to be a friend through that process, he didn’t want to play the part of the boyfriend who helped Tommy experiment and get educated. 

Which isn’t to say it panned out the greatest for him. He watched Tommy engage in multiple relationships over the next three years, and he was jealous as fuck every single time. He hated Mike, the forty-five-year-old man that Tommy met a few weeks after Wilder had met him. That relationship lasted four months. Mike was a domineering dick who did a damn good job at pretending to be sunshine. Wilder wondered if Tommy realized he didn’t have to date twice-divorced men in order to figure out what he liked, but it also wasn’t his place to speak. At least, until he and Tommy met up on a random Tuesday, three and a half months into the relationship, and Tommy tried to lie to him about bruises on his wrists. Wilder was a lot of things, but stupid was not one of them. He’d told Tommy that night that he was capable of doing so much better, that he deserved better. When Tommy had questioned him—over half a dozen beers—Wilder had kissed him about it. 

Granted, that didn’t lead anywhere, other than far enough for Tommy to be confident enough to end the relationship with Mike. They were both single for a few months after that, but whatever Tommy was waiting on, Wilder wasn’t sure. He was still firm on his position about not wanting to be the person to help Tommy gain experience. 

After Mike came Leo. Leo came with a million and a half red flags. Leo came with love bombs and grand gestures, with one thing on his mind. As soon as he got Tommy into bed, he was gone. Tommy never really talked about how everything with Leo panned out, but Wilder suspected that it wouldn’t have gone much further anyway. Another night over too many beers, all Tommy would say about Leo was that he was ‘rough. Way too rough.’ 

Either way, he bounced back. Ezra came along only a few weeks after Leo, and Ezra was so, so sweet. And so naïve. He was younger than Wilder, and clearly still trying to figure things out about himself. However, Ezra also seemed to have stars in his eyes about how things were going to work out, while Tommy had lost most of his rosy view on his sexuality. It wasn’t to say that they didn’t have fun together. But Wilder could tell that Ezra thought Tommy would settle down with him, while Tommy just wanted to work out the kinks he’d gone through in recent months and figure himself out more. 

Ezra lasted two months. 

Charlie showed up in the middle of October, almost as though he’d been swept through along with the Santa Ana winds. He put a smile on Tommy’s face that Wilder was positive he’d never seen on his friend. Charlie was the boy from Iraq. He was also Tommy’s first real love. Wilder liked Charlie. 

Wilder didn’t love Charlie. 

It wasn’t that Charlie was a bad guy. Charlie clearly cared about Tommy a fair amount, although it was questionable whether he actually liked Tommy as much as Tommy loved him. The deeper problem was that Tommy looked at Charlie the way Ezra had looked at Tommy. Except, Charlie had done the  ‘make my parents happy’ way. He had been married, was now divorced, and still half-living in the closet. Wilder had warned Tommy against doing that with him, warned him that it would only lead to him getting hurt, but Tommy swore to him that Charlie had promised. Promised one day soon they would be out together. Promised they’d get to tell people the truth. Promised the kids would know him as more than just Charlie’s army buddy. 

Those promises went on for a year before Tommy smashed what was left of his rose-colored glasses. Wilder was there with the alcohol and the metaphorical stitches to piece Tommy back together. 

The thing was, by that time, he’d promised himself that he and Tommy were better as friends. That they’d built something strong enough to withstand the passing glances and the hugs that lasted a minute too long, the pauses when they pullled away where he could feel Tommy’s breath on his lips and it stirred something inside him that he hadn’t felt since he was sixteen and dating Danny Coston, sneaking kisses behind the fieldhouse while they were skipping out on PE. 

He’d loved Tommy too much by then. As his friend. 

As more than his friend. 

And then one night, over beers and a pizza, Tommy was telling him this story about a rescue that Wilder still thinks was absolutely fucking stupid, rocking a helicopter between cliffsides to rescue a group of teenagers who thought rock climbing without gear in Griffith Park sounded like a fun idea. By some miracle, everyone had been saved, Tommy hadn’t crashed the helicopter, and it had made the news. What’s more, Wilder had been the first person Tommy had wanted to tell him about his suicidal save. 

Wilder had to kiss him about it, of course. That shattered whatever falsehoods Wilder was letting himself live in at that point in relation to their relationship. Tommy wasn’t experimenting anymore, and he didn’t need an education. He was out, he wasn’t interested in keeping secrets, and he wanted something real.

. . . 

The first year was amazing. Granted, WIlder never fell in love with the danger of Tommy’s job, but that was fine. He was in love with everything else about Tommy. He loved his personality, his face, his body, his hopes, his dreams, his willingness to be Wilder’s model on any occasion…he just loved Tommy. 

Year two wasn’t as easy. They were settled, talking about living together but not quite pulling the trigger. Wilder’s career was doing really well. He’d taken part in four exhibitions in less than a calendar year and there was a lot of attention coming his way. There were offers coming out of Chicago and New York for residencies and some teaching opportunities. 

There was a bad fire at a compound. Tommy got second-degree burns and had pretty bad smoke inhalation. Wilder hoped that after that, maybe he’d rethink his career. 

Things got worse. 

Still, somehow they found their way through. As they came upon their second anniversary, it felt like they were reaching the other side. There were still offers on the table for Wilder, and he had floated a few of them to Tommy. In return, Tommy had fully supported the suggestion for a three-month residency in Chicago. He would remain in L.A. during Wilder’s time away, but it was good for Wilder, and as Tommy had said to him at the time, ‘what’s good for you is good for us’. 

Except, the offers didn’t stop at Chicago. He was weeks away from finishing his residency when he was offered the opportunity to take part in an exhibition in Texas. What was supposed to be a two week trip there turned into four months, and their anniversary came and went with little more than phone calls and the occasional flight out for a twenty-four or forty-eight hours together. 

After Texas was Savannah, Georgia. Then Charlotte, North Carolina. Then a month-long trip to Florida with a few guest lectures at FSU. Eight months into what should’ve been the third year of their relationship, Wilder hadn’t seen Tommy more than fifteen days total. And the thing was, the love was still there.

But they weren’t in love anymore, and he knew they both felt it. Tommy loved his job just as much as Wilder loved his. Neither of them were going to give up their careers, and they weren’t going to ask the other to, either. 

It ended on a facetime call, just a few weeks before their anniversary. There were tears shed, although it was more a sadness at the loss of what they’d hoped they could be than it was at the actual relationship. There were ‘I love you’s. And then there was silence. 

. . .

The first time Wilder meets Evan Buckley, he’s barely been back in Los Angeles for a week. He’s set to start a residency for the summer and then take on a teaching position at UCLA in the fall. He’s supposed to be meeting some friends for dinner when the blonde man bumps into him at the bar, stammering out an apology with full hands as they turn to face each other. 

Evan looks at him with a weird expression that Wilder doesn’t fully understand at the time. He dismisses the bump as equally his own fault and then turns his attention back toward the bar. 

“Hi, baby. Sorry, I’m late.” 

That voice feels like someone just poured a shot of Jack Tennessee Honey down Wilder’s throat. All the heat with none of the burn. As he turns back around, he spots a familiar head of brown curls just as the blonde tilts up toward him, and then Tommy is kissing the other man. Wilder inhales a sharp breath. 

The thing is, it’s been more than a year. It’s been even longer since he and Tommy were something real. But something about seeing him kiss another man still stirs something in Wilder’s chest. 

Still, he decides it’s not his place. Not here, and not tonight. He steps away from the bar and moves down some ten feet, around the corner of it and in between a few people. 

. . . 

“So were you going to call me?” 

It’s been three days. WIlder is standing in the middle of an aisle at Blick, trying to decide between Golden and WIndsor Newton acrylics when he looks up. Tommy has a basket in his hand, half-full with small canvases and a fair amount of Liquitex. 

“Hey, T,” he greets cordially. Tommy smiles at him and then steps forward, offering him a side hug. Wilder accepts it, tucking his chin over Tommy’s shoulder. “Good to see you.” 

“I had to call your mom,” Tommy states when they part. 

“I was gonna call at some point,” WIlder states a bit sheepishly. 

“You always go with Windsor,” Tommy comments, as though he can hear the argument in Wilder’s head. “Forget Golden.” 

Wilder chuckles. “Sure.” He’s quiet for a moment, reaches out for a tube of Windsor Newton. As he stares at the unbleached titanium shade in his hand, he contemplates. He tilts his head after a moment, glances over at Tommy. “So. The new guy.” 

There’s a glint of something in Tommy’s eye that Wilder hasn’t seen in at least five years. Something he saw once, after their first drunken kiss. 

“His name is Evan,” Tommy replies. He lets out a soft sgh. “He thought I was introducing you two. Had a hell of a time explaining to him that I didn’t even know you were back.” 

Wilder nods. That familiar twinge of jealousy throbs in his chest, under his heart. 

“You sticking around,” Tommy asks him after another minute of silence. Wilder glances back up at him. 

“Got a residency downtown,” he replies. “And then UCLA in the fall. So I’ll be here, yeah.” 

Tommy nods. “We should get dinner. Evan wants to meet you properly.” 

“Sure,” Wilder says again. What else is he supposed to say? They’re not together anymore. 

“Give me call when you’re more settled. We’ll plan something,” Tommy says with a pat to Wilder’s shoulder. He’s walking backwards then, heading back down the aisle. He shakes a finger in Wilder’s direction. “Good to see you, Wy.” 

. . . 

The second time Wilder meets Evan Buckley, they’re in another bar. He’s been in the studio almost exclusively for the better part of a week and had been dragged out by a friend with the promise of carbs—his fridge might’ve been mostly empty, other than juice boxes and pepperoni slices—but carbs is apparently at a bar that doubles as a pizzeria. 

He’s not following them, he swears. But he’s been waiting for ten minutes on his pizza while his friend is on the phone with his girlfriend when Tommy strolls up to the bar with his boyfriend—Evan? Tommy has his arm wrapped around the younger man’s hip, head tilted in and listening as Evan prattles on with very animated expressions. Wilder isn’t even sure what he’s on about, but regardless, Tommy is nodding along, clearly invested. 

When they make it up to the bar, some five feet away, Tommy’s arm wraps around Evan, boxing him in. There’s a grin on his face and Wilder notices as Evan leans back into Tommy’s body, turns his head and says something into his ear. Tommy laughs, loud enough that the tinkling sound of it carries in Wilder’s direction. 

“Four for Buckley,” one of the barbacks calls out. Evan raises his hand and the man steps over with boxes of pizza. At the same time, someone from the kitchen yells out, “Veggie with mushrooms, light alfredo up.” 

Tommy lifts his head at that, leans back from Evan just enough to look around the bar before his eyes eventually fall on Wilder. He smiles at him. A few seconds later, he’s up next to Evan’s ear, and then Evan glances over in Wilder’s direction. There’s a half-second pause where Evan seems to be taking him in before he smiles affiliatively at Wilder. Evan picks up the pizzas and Tommy switches the arm he has around Evan’s waist as they stride over. As they reach him, another person is settling Wilder’s pizza in front of him. 

“So do you just hang out at all the best bars in LA,” Evan asks when they reach him. 

“Honestly, I’m usually locked up in the studio,” Wilder replies. He glances in Tommy’s direction, but Tommy is still looking at Evan. Still that look in his eyes. Evan moves a hand from under the pizzas and extends it. 

“Evan Buckley. Most people call me Buck though,” he states. Wilder extends a hand to him, shaking it. 

“Wilder Gray.” 

Evan nods. “I know.” There’s an expression on his face that’s caught somewhere between a multitude of emotions. A look that falls somewhere between curiosity, understanding, and skepticism. Wilder looks him over, spots the emblem on his t-shirt. 

“You’re a firefighter,” he muses. 

“And you’re a multidisciplinary artist,” Evan replies. 

Wilder nods. It’s interesting. It’s like they’re meeting for the most cordial duel of all time, but neither of them have brought guns; just clipboards and pens. 

A phone rings, and Tommy glances away from them. A moment later, he looks back up. 

“Hey baby that’s Eddie and Chris wondering why we haven’t brought dinner back,” he states, giving Evan’s hip a light squeeze. Evan nods, although his gaze lingers on Wilder for a few seconds longer. He turns then, leans into Tommy. Wilder watches as whatever tension is left in Tommy’s body seeps away. 

God damn. He really wanted to not be able to like Evan Buckley. 

“See you around,” Evan states after a moment, glancing in Wilder’s direction again. Wilder nods at him. As Evan and Tommy walk away, Tommy’s hand still on Evan’s hip, his friend strides back across the room 

“Hey, what’d I miss?” 

. . .

A few weeks go by without any run-ins. Maybe it’s because Evan and Tommy find other places to hang out. Maybe it’s because Wilder basically lives in his studio (it’s definitely not that). Maybe it’s because of wildfire season (it might be that). Either way,  Wilder doesn’t see much social interaction beyond his friends occasionally dropping by the studio and his parents stopping in to drag him into the sunlight. Once or twice he opens grindr, but nothing promising pans out. 

It’s mid August when Wilder spots them out together again. Another bar, another set of drinks. He’s been flirting with a guy who introduced himself three minutes after Wilder walked through the door when he spots Evan on the other side of the room. He almost thinks about going over to say something, but there’s a look in his expression. 

Something that looks curiously like defeat. Tommy is standing next to him—Wilder could place that mop of hair anywhere—talking into his ear much like he was that first night all those weeks back. He tries to look away enough to not make Evan look in his direction, realize he’s being stared at. But he sees the way Tommy’s talking calms Evan, the way he leans into him. The way their communication wipes out the defeat in Evan’s expression and replaces it with a small smile. And then a laugh. And then before long, Tommy has Evan half tipped on the barstool, their noses and foreheads pressed together as Evan straight-up giggles. Tommy is laughing with him, and fuck. 

Wilder really wanted to not like Evan Buckley. 

But Evan Buckley isn’t Mike, holding Tommy hard enough to hurt him (although the way he fists Tommy’s t-shirt before he kisses him makes a different kind of jealousy stir in Wilder, like these two probably throw each other around a bedroom with ease, and he wants to see that). Evan Buckley clearly isn’t Leo, just looking to fuck Tommy hard into a mattress and leave him behind. 

Evan Buckley might be a little like Ezra, and Wilder isn’t sure how he clocks that. Except, there’s an ease about him that Ezra never had. Evan Buckley clearly wasn’t looking for an education. The love in his eyes was obvious to the entire damn bar, whether they wanted to know or not. 

Evan Buckley definitely was not Charlie. He was openly making out with Tommy in public, hands all over the man’s body in a way that Wilder could tell was at least partially to tell the world ‘this is mine, and only mine’. 

. . .

It’s an early morning in September when they run into each other. Wilder is definitely not prepared for an eight AM class, and he’s questioning why he agreed to take this particular one on, but there’s no option to back out now. 

He stands inside the café wearily, waiting on his order, when the door chimes with ringing bells and he glances up. Evan Buckley. 

The blonde is in a hoodie Wilder recognizes as Tommy’s. The Harbor Station seal is on the back of it with his last name printed across the bottom. Evan yawns as he walks up to the counter and grabs two coffees. Knowing the kind of schedules they work, it seems Evan is heading home while Wilder is just starting his day. 

Except, Evan stops in his tracks when their eyes meet. 

“Evan,” he comments softly, acknowledging the other man. “Or, Buck. If you prefer.” 

Evan shrugs. “Evan is fine.” A pause. “Wilder. Its…convenient? To see you.” 

Wilder lets out a small chuckle. He nods. 

Evan walks forward a few steps, as though he’s not going to say anything further, and he makes it about a half-step past Wilder before he stops, leans back slightly, contemplating. He looks up at him. 

“He still talks about you,” he states. There’s no jealousy in his tone, no anger. Almost like he’s just putting the information out into the universe. Wilder nods again. He stares at Evan for a moment and then tilts his head slightly, almost like he’s letting him in on a secret. 

“And he’s in love with you.” 

Evan stares at him for a moment, and Wilder isn’t sure if Evan has realized that or not. His expression doesn’t let on one way or the other. 

Wilder takes a deep breath and the corner of his mouth pulls up a little into a small smirk. 

“Tommy never once looked at me the way he does you,” he states. “Not even during the best of it all. And me? I couldn’t ever fully accept the job.” He pauses for a moment, contemplating whether he needs to say more. Even if he doesn’t, he continues anyway. “I found him when he needed a friend. You founded him when he needed a partner.” 

A smile pulls at Evan’s face. If he has anything else to say, he doesn’t get the chance. His phone starts to buzz in the pocket of the hoodie, and he stacks the coffees together before pulling it out, answering the call, shooting only half a glance in Wilder’s direction before he speaks. 

“Hi, babe. No, I already got it. I’ll be there in like five.” 

. . . 

It’s the first week of December. Wilder is exhausted, maybe even a little burnt out, but riding high. His residency has panned out into an exhibition, and it’s the opening night. He’s been bouncing all over the gallery, trying to greet everyone and talk to them, see what they do and don’t like about the work presented. 

A hand comes down on his shoulder as he finally finds a few seconds to get a bottle of water, and he spins. Tommy. 

“Hey, T,” he greets cheerfully, if not a little weary. “Thanks for coming.” 

Tommy nods, and they share a quick hug. 

“How’d you hear,” he asks. Tommy gestures off towards one of the walls and Wilder glances over. 

“Evan saw the listing,” he states. “Told all of our friends we needed to come support. He’s really obsessed with that picture of your nephews.” 

WIlder glances over at the picture. It’s a large portrait, of two children facing away from the camera. One, old enough and tall enough that he isn’t even in the image aside from his torso and legs, with his hand resting on the younger one’s head. The younger child is a toddler, leaning into his sibling’s leg with his arm wrapped around it. 

“I’ve been tasked with getting your price list,” Tommy adds. 

Wilder lets out a soft huff as a smile tugs across his lips. 

He wanted to hate Evan Buckley. He wanted Evan Buckley to be like Mike. Or Leo. Or Ezra. Or Charlie. 

He wanted Evan Buckley to not be like him, not love and respect Tommy the way he did. But then…

Evan Buckley isn’t like Wilder. Evan Buckley supports the people his boyfriend cares about. Evan Buckley doesn’t care that Tommy is a firefighter or a pilot. Evan Buckley clearly likes art. Wilder barely knows him, and yet he already knows Evan Buckley is caring and selfless. 

He takes a breath and sighs, glancing back at Tommy, watching the way he watches Evan. 

“You’re gonna marry him.” It’s not a question. 

Tommy shifts his gaze back to Wilder. It’s the slightest movement, entirely imperceptible to someone who wouldn’t know otherwise. The twitch of the corner of his mouth, of his eyebrow. 

“Forever doesn’t seem nearly long enough,” Tommy says softly. 

Wilder can only shake his head at him as he smiles at his ex-boyfriend. 

“Well, when you start interviewing wedding photographers, I’d like to at least be consulted,” he states, extending a hand to Tommy. Tommy laughs at him but shakes his hand anyway. 

“Sure, Wy. But you should know, Evan’s seen your paintings and he wants one commissioned.” 

“I’ll take that payday,” Wilder says with a laugh. When Tommy lets go of his hand, he pats Wilder’s shoulder, and then he’s off again, heading back over to Evan and the friends they brought with them. Wilder stands in his spot a moment longer, both hands on the waterbottle he still hasn’t had a drink from. He watches as Tommy’s arm loops around Evan’s waist, and as Evan leans into him. The way Evan points at a portrait and talks to Tommy earnestly about whatever it is he sees. The way Tommy is completely enraptured by Evan’s words, nodding and smiling at him with interest. 

The way Evan puts his hand on the back of Tommy’s head as he leans into him, whispers into his ear. How, when Tommy turns into him to answer, Evan looks at him like he’s the only person in the room. 

The way jealousy still lives inside Wilder, but not the way it was that first night. No, this jealousy is from the way they look at each other, the way Wilder only hopes someone will hopefully look at him one day. He finally looks away when the two men kiss, cracking open his water bottle. He manages to get a sip off of it before someone else is walking up to him.

“You’re the artist, right?” 

[wobblesthecowgirl]

I'm No O’Driscoll!

Chapter Two: Six Point Cabin

Tags: Arthur Morgan x Femreader, enemies to lovers, O'Driscoll reader, game plot, Arthur doesn't have tuberculosis, eventual smut, age difference, 18+, mild gore

Word Count: 2.9k

A/N: Hello again! Chapter two is a lot longer and we are kinda getting into it. I know Arthur and reader hate each other but you can't rush enemies to lovers!

Chapter One

Chapter Three

Days had gone by and Y/n hadn’t eaten a proper meal. In fact, she wouldn’t have had anything if it wasn’t for Mary-Beth feeding both her and Kieran scraps of food when the other gang members weren’t looking. Y/n always made sure to thank her, repaying her kindness with respect. She doesn’t have to do that, but she’s got a good heart.

Arthur and Dutch had tried asking about Colm a few more times but without being fed, the two O’Driscoll’s were too tired to respond (that and Y/n was too suborn. She hated this gang as much as the other one). Today however, seemed much different.

It was sunny, a light breeze and the birds were chirping, it would’ve been a calming day if it wasn’t for the predicament. Arthur strode towards the two of them and stood in between the two trees. When she was tied up, the gang made sure Kieran and Y/n couldn’t reach one another, their feet being only a foot apart from each other.

“When is this going to end…” Kieran whined as Arthur got to them, not ready for another day of questioning and torture.

“You both got some speaking to do of your own, about that old gang of yours.” He folded his arms like he always did, which Y/n rolled her eyes at. Here we go again.

Kieran was standing again, whereas she couldn’t, her thigh slightly better but due to her condition, it was healing slower than it should. Kieran groaned, “I said I told you. I don’t know nothing.”

Arthur shook his head, the tiny rope on his hat swung with it, “That’s what I thought.”

Dutch came striding over, his voice cheerful and booming, causing the woman to jump.

“Hold your horses there! It seems the cat has got our friend’s tongue’s.” He stood with Arthur, with a bigger guy before continuing, “I was thinking Mr Williamson could have a word.”

Y/n eyed him carefully; she had been trying to get as much information on everyone, being sat doing nothing makes you people watch. She was sure this guy was called Bill. He had a creepy grin on his face and pointed at Kieran.

“We can start with you. You ready to talk, boy?”

“I told you mister, I told all of you. I don’t know nothing, ok?” He sighed, “Th-They ain’t no friends of mine. I just been ridin’ with them for a while.”

Bill interrupted him, his spit flying out his mouth, “Bullshit! You’re close with this O’Driscoll, and you told us you weren’t close with any of them! So how about you tell us the truth.” He turned to the gang’s leader, “Dutch, what do you want me to do?”

Y/n’s heart dropped. This interrogation session was different than the others, it was much more sinister.

“Hurt him. So the next time he opens his mouth, it is to tell us what is going on.” Dutch’s mouth was twisted into a sly smile, his voice dripping with ill intent.

“Who am I kidding? One of the O’Driscoll’s boys couldn’t open his mouth, but he’d tell a lie.” He got in Kieran’s face before turning to Bill, “Screw it. Let’s just have some fun,” He made a cutting motion with his fingers, “geld him.”

Bill cheered as Y/n pulled at her restraints, “No! You get away from him!” She screamed as Dutch laughed down at her.

“Maybe you’ll talk for him!”

“What’s he doing? Where’s he going?” Her friend panicked, watching Bill bring a pair of long tongs from the fire.

Arthur hadn’t said anything, only stood watching the scene unfold before him, waiting to see who would crack first.

“Oh, don’t worry. They’re only balls boy! Just gonna cause you trouble.” Dutch began to ramble about Rome but the two hostages weren’t listening, instead watching Bill cheerfully make his way over. Kieran’s trousers and pants were then pulled down, and Y/n made sure to look up, in attempts to save the poor boy’s dignity.

“No, no, no, no! You’re kidding right?” Kieran cried, trying to back away but the tree blocked him.

“You disgusting pigs!” Y/n snapped, still wriggling and kicking, her thigh screaming at her to stop.

“You sick bastards! What do you want from me!” Even Kieran was swearing now, fear causing him to sweat profusely.

“Well, you are going to talk. The only question is now, or after we get these little fellas off?” The three men were surrounding Kieran. The pair of tongs getting closer, yet he still wasn’t cracking.

“Ok! I’ll tell you!” Y/n shouted; she couldn’t sacrifice her friend getting hurt over a gang who didn’t even realise they were missing. All the men turned to her, the weapon getting a bit further away from him.

“Six point cabin.” She stated, and when they looked at her she sighed, “That’s where the O’Driscoll’s are. That’s where Colm is lying low.”

The men seemed satisfied, as Bill shouted at Kieran, “Why didn’t you tell us that first, boy?”

“I didn’t know the location!” He whimpered, still keeping an eye of Bill’s hand, and trying to cross his legs.

“But I know where that is! I can take you there. I don’t like him. I mean, I like him even less than I like you. No offence.”

“Oh, none taken.” Dutch cackled. Arthur finally joined in on the conversation. He leant down to Kieran and said, “Ok then, partner. Why don’t you and your friend take a few of us up there. Right now.” He untied Kieran who quickly pulled his trousers up, and Arthur approached Y/n.

“I ain’t helping you!” She spat, her not shot leg kicking out in protest. She could hear him grumbling as he untied her, and when she refused to stand, he grabbed her bicep and forced her up. His grip was purposefully strong, but she couldn’t focus on that, instead, she focused on the fact that she couldn’t stand or walk properly. Being sat for days on top of her wound made her useless.

“I got this, Dutch. Should be fun.” He reassured his leader before turning his attention back to her, “Alright you, come on. Can you walk?”

“What does it look like?” She gritted her teeth, limping slowly to what she assumed was his horse after watching him ride to camp on it. She could feel him chuckling behind her, “Well at least I ain’t gotta worry about you running away.”

Another snide remark from this man and I’ll kill him on pure adrenaline and a pocketknife.

Kieran jogged over to the best of his ability to help her, but she held her hand up to stop him. She didn’t want to appear weaker than what she already did, and if the two kept acting close, the gang would use that against them like how they already did.

“Let’s hope you both ain’t trying to trick us, O’Driscolls.” Arthur warned.

“We ain’t no O’driscoll.” Kieran corrected which only caused the older man to snap back, “But you sure as shit was.” After that, he called for John and Bill to tag along, and Kieran gave them the directions.

“John, you take this little rattlesnake with you. Any nonsense, kill him.”

John nodded, pointing to his horse so Kieran could hop on.

“Don’t do anything rash.” Y/n called out to him as John sat on the front of his horse. Kieran nodded at her as if to say ‘same to you’.

“You’re with me, woman.” Arthur got on his horse, and looked down at her. She looked up and from this angle, she could see how his stubble was neatly kept and his moustache was slightly longer. His eyes were light and the were small scars dotted across his cheek.

I can’t wait to put a bullet through his head.

She grabbed the saddle but winced when she shifted her weight to her bad leg. With a grunt, Arthur extended his hand which only caused her to raise her chin at him.

“You can put your filthy hand away, I don’t need your help.”

“Well, it sure looks like you do. Stop being so stubborn, girl.”

“I hope you drop dead on this mission.” She spat, pulling herself up in an awkward manner, seating behind him with as much distance as she could get. Why does he have to have the biggest horse known to mankind?

“Are they taking us to Colm?” John asked as the three horses galloped out the camp and through the trees that gave comforting shade to the summer’s sun.

“Look, I-I-I’ll give you more directions when we’re close, but if I know where we are, it’s up past Valentine.” Kieran strutted as John moved further up for the rest of them to follow. Y/n tuned out the men the entire ride there, all she heard was talk about throwing knives, O’Driscolls, and horse shit. Instead, she watched the dust kick up from the hooves of the horses, the leaves blowing in the wind, and the occasional people passing by.

Arthur asked Bill if he still had the tongs, to which he replied with the fact he had a knife.

“Keep that in mind, young fella.” He yelled at Kieran, “Right in the forefront of it.”

“What about the woman?” Bill asked; Y/n saw him shrug.

“I’ll just shoot her other leg. I doubt she’ll get far.” His voice found humour in this, and she could only grit her teeth at how helpless she was. She was stronger than this, much stronger, and these idiots didn’t even know it.

“It’s passed these hills. Better get there before I get your gun.” She threatened and couldn’t help her smirk as she saw him instinctively reach for his holster. They stopped their horses at the clearing and planned to reach the cabin from foot. Arthur got off first and looked at her, wondering if she was going to ask for help. Of course she didn’t. Instead, she swung her leg over and jumped down, falling to her knees from the sudden impact. She kept her pained cries inside, only earning a small grunt. Kieran made his way over and helped her back on her feet, which this time she didn’t push him away. When she was steady, Kieran began to walk towards the cabin’s location.

“There’ll be a bunch of fellers hiding out there too.” Kieran stated as the group were crouched behind a log, peering into the woods. A couple of men were further than the rest, taking a toilet break against a tree.

“Are these fellas armed?” Arthur asked.

“Armed. Drunk. Wary of strangers.” Kieran nodded.

“And Colm O’Driscoll?”

“Most likely.” Y/n intervened, “Probably passed out sleeping soundly. After a day of bossing people to their deaths.”

The three O’Driscoll’s continued to talk to one another as Dutch's group tried to conduct a plan. The O’Driscoll’s got close, so John grabbed Kieran and covered his mouth with a gun to his head. Arthur did the same. His giant, calloused hands roughly gripped Y/n face to silence her, the other hand on her shoulder. She could feel his breath on her ear, but she didn’t move a muscle. Not because she was scared, but because doing so would be pointless. If she screamed, either John would shoot her, or her former gang mates would.

“I’m gonna let go of you now, if you so much as move an inch, I’m shooting you in the head this time.” He whispered in her ear, as she stifled a grunt, her eyebrows knitted together. He slowly let go, making sure she didn’t move, and began making his way over to the enemy with his throwing knife, stabbing all three with Bill. John turned to Kieran and Y/n, his eyes narrowed.

“I need to help them. You two stay here, if you try to escape we will hunt you down. Understood?” Kieran nodded while she only rolled her eyes; she was getting tired of all the empty threats. They watched as John descended down the hill.

“We can’t keep doing this, man.” She spoke up after a quick breather, her leg aching. He only hummed in response, too busy trying to get a better look of what was going on. As she scoped the scene, a familiar shine in the corner of her eye caught her attention.

“Is that..” It was. It was a sniper rifle. It was the first time she had a genuine smile. Oh, what a beautiful sight, a beautiful sight that is now mine.

She hopped down the hill, carefully as to not alert either gang, and picked up the gun. Its cold metal only warmed her heart, as she looked through the scope and nodded her head; it wasn’t the best, but it’d do. She heard her friend scramble after her, not wanting to be left alone.

“Just what do you think you’re doing?” He scolded, the both of them a bit startled at the sudden loud bangs of guns at the cabin.

“What do you think? I’m going to scope that big grunt and get us the hell out of here. We can wait till they kill all the O’Driscolls, then I aim from a distance an-“

“No! Being alone is too risky! We would get hunted down! Our best bet is to warm up to the Van Der Linde gang and-“

It was her turn to interrupt him, she looked like she had been shot a second time, “What? Are you insane! Have you lost your mind?”

“I’m trying not to lose my head!” He snapped back, much to her surprise. He rubbed his eyes, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap. Just… hear me out ok?”

“They will kill us after today you know? We gave them what they needed, Bang. Bye bye us.”

A twig snapped, the two of them now on high alert. An old O’Driscoll had a gun pointed at Kieran, but Y/n quickly head shot him within milliseconds. He thanked her, a hand to his chest.

“Come on, we are sitting ducks here.” She began to limp to the cabin, the gunshots had died down significantly. When they got there, the place was littered with dead bodies.

She made her way to the wooden shed and saw the rest of them there. Arthur had his back turned; it would be so easy. She aimed her rifle at him, just as he got knocked down by a frenzied O’Driscoll with a gun pointing down at him. Saves me a job, she first thought, but Kieran’s previous words nagged her. Nagged and nagged, before she huffed in annoyance. Damn you, horse boy.

She shot the man on top of Arthur between his brows, he went limp, and Arthur pushed the now dead body off of him; blood had splattered on his coat and face. He laid there for a moment, not even acknowledging her, before getting up and peering his head inside the cabin and was suddenly filled with rage. He stormed towards her, his face red.

“You set us up! Come here!” He was towering over her now, their anger mutual.

“No she didn’t!” Kieran tried to defuse the situation which only made Arthur angrier.

“You both did, Colm O’Driscoll ain’t here!”

“If I wanted to set you up, I would’ve used this very rifle in my hand to shoot you dead!” She seethed, raising the rifle as proof she did just in fact save his life.

“She has a good point, Arthur.” Bill butted in, sort of on her side. Arthur paused for a moment, seemingly taking in the situation before shooing her away and saying, “Alright then, go on, get out of here.”

“Eh?” Kieran puzzled, stepping closer to Y/n who only furrowed her brows at him. A trap? Get our back turned to shoot us?

“I’m letting you run away, now go on. Get out of here.”

“Don’t need to tell me twice, come on Kieran.” She was about to walk off, or hobble away, when he grabbed her wrist.

“That’s as good as killing us. Out there, without you, Colm O’Driscoll’s gonna lose his mind about this.”

She groaned, sick of this argument, and Arthur didn’t seem too pleased either, only asking, “So?”

“So, we’re one of you now.” He stated, earning a scoff from Y/n.

“Oh please.”

He shot her a warning glance and for once she obeyed. Arthur rubbed his eyes before murmuring, “Give me a break.” He looked at them both, thinking hard about his next decision.

“Alright then. But I’m warning you both…”

“We get it!” Y/n groaned, throwing the rifle on the ground to his feet so he didn’t keep going on.

“You fellas get to camp, quick. Hey Bill, you tell Dutch, old Kieran and little Y/n ain’t worth killing. Just yet.” He stated, already making his way inside the cabin to find the money stashed in the chimney.

Y/n got on John’s horse this time with said man, deciding the man with the giant scar on his face was still better than Bill, who only this morning was excited to burn a man’s balls off.

“Don’t think for second you’re one of us.” John barked as they began their journey back to camp.

“Trust me. I’ll never have the desire to be accepted by any of you.” She scoffed, all of them going silent as the sun began to set, and the cold air giving her goosebumps.

[izurusstuff]

⚠️ 18+ ONLY, MINORS DNI!! ⚠️

message from izurusstuff: hello, lovelies <3 i woke up today and immediately ran to tumblr because of an amazing thought i had >:) it’s inspired by @goddess-of-green’s teacher nagito smut, i highly recommend you check their’s out because it’s awesome and lives in my mind rent free. also this is 18+ only, minors do NOT interact!!! and everyone’s legal age. also there’s spoilers for the danganronpa 3 anime and ending of goodbye despair, so read with caution if you don’t want spoilers

summary: You’re a student at the University of Tokyo a couple years after The Tragedy. The whole ordeal inspired you to become a psychology major with a minor in ethics. It’s your senior year at the university— you only have a semester left until graduation. Everything was perfect until this point, but your high-level ethics professor makes it hard to keep up your perfect grades. Fed up, you confront him, which leads to… something special ;)

A+ (Teacher!Izuru Kamukura x Fem!Reader Smut)

It’s another day in class towards the end of the semester. Finals are quickly approaching, and your stoic teacher is handing your papers back at the end of class. For some reason, he just wouldn’t give out A’s in his class. Your perfect 4.0 GPA was going to be brought down by this right before you graduated! You grew tired of his antics. Of course, it didn’t really tick you off until you spent days without sleep trying to finish your paper. Every other source told you that it was amazing and captivating.

But you got a B+, an 89.9

You were basically fuming at that point. It was obvious Professor Kamukura wasn’t going to admit that your paper deserved an A. Rage boiled through your body. Your nostrils flared and your knuckles tightened. You stared into your professors eyes with pure anger. He wouldn’t admit it, but your reaction wasn’t boring to him. He was used to boredom. His eyebrow ever so slightly raised at you, which only pissed you off more.

Without breaking any eye contact, you ripped up your 30 page paper in front of him and slammed it on his desk. Oh boy, he did not know what he was signing up for when he messed with the valedictorian’s perfect GPA.

“Can I help you?” He scoffed.

His apathy was the straw that broke the camel’s back. With your fists balled up, you took a deep breath and let it OUT.

“Is it your mission in life to make everyone miserable? Is it because you got used by your school to become a human weapon? Why the FUCK do you have to be so condescending?! Do you KNOW how hard I worked to be here?! DO YOU?! If you hate people sooo much and you’re always bored by them, why did you take the job here? It’s not like you’re the best of the best! I can name thousands of people who’d be a better teacher for this job than you are… so why do you think you’re hot shit? You’re not… you’re a hurt little boy with some weird complex a-and you’re RUINING everything… so what the fuck is your problem, Kamukura?!”

Holy shit. Your response had him speechless for a brief second. He had to compose himself before staring you down and giving a response. However, you weren’t even CLOSE do being done…

“Your paper was bori-”

“Boring? Yeah, I fucking KNOW! Everything’s boring to you! But I am NOT letting your stubborn ass ruin my perfect GPA, do you understand?! What would capture your attention? Writing my paper on Junko Enoshima? Chiaki Nanami? Ooh I know! How about Hajime Hinata!”

Ouch. The last name really struck a nerve with Izuru. He actually felt a sense of sadness; something he hasn’t felt since he watched Chiaki’s final moments. Kamukura simply walked away, the nerve!

“Oh, you think I’m DONE with you?!”

“Doubtful.” He rolled his eyes, opening the classroom door for you. Huh, weird.

“I’m heading to my office. You can come with or continue your temper tantrum in here until the next class comes.”

You stood in shock for a moment. He was actually inviting you to his office…? I mean, it was in his own weird way, but it counted, right?

He walked in front of you without saying a word, only motioning to the door of his office.

Izuru’s office definitely didn’t fit him. There was a few coffee mugs, packets of chamomile tea, kawaii stuffed animals, a sword, etc. Were these all the gifts his former classmates gave him?

“Sit.”

You did as he said, looking around at everything in awe. Kamukura pulled out a folder than had your last name on it with copies of your old papers. You were utterly shocked he kept up with stuff like that.

“[L/N]. Your final semester here.”

“How did you-?”

“You’re valedictorian. I hear about you wherever I go.”

He… knew stuff about you? You were utterly shocked and dumbfounded. You thought you were just another boring face to him.

“I’ll say this one time and one time only. Your response to your grade impressed me. We both know that never happens.”

“Oh. Sorry, I guess?”

“Don’t apologize. It takes away character.”

You looked at the floor and nodded as Professor Kamukura looked through your folder more. Surprisingly, it earned a few impressed eyebrow raises from him.

“Your papers have no mistakes. They’re merely boring to me. Except for your last one on the ethics of Hope’s Peak. For obvious reasons, I do not have any interest in reading a paper about the school that used me.”

Realization hit you, and you actually felt bad for him. It was the first time you did. You looked at the ground and nodded. Kamukura obviously picked up on your regret, which he rolled his eyes to and tapped on the desk to get your attention.

“Why are you remorseful? It’s just a grade. If you need an A that badly, I’ll change it.”

You shook your head. It nearly knocked him out of his seat in surprise.

“No. It’s because you’re still a person, which everyone forgets about. Including me.”

Your humanization of him really REALLY struck a nerve. But in a good way. The tone in the room shifted to a way more positive one, and you swear you saw his mouth turn into an ever so slight smile.

“Your response… was not what I was expecting, Y/N.”

He used your first name?! You jolted up to stare at him in utter disbelief.

“If you want to go, I won’t keep you.”

You shook your head. Neither of you knew what to say next. However, it seemed you two were truly seeing each other as humans. Not human experiment and student who only cared about her grades, but humans… and tension filled the air. Both of you stood up with Izuru locking his office door and backing you against the wall.

Your heart fluttered so incredibly fast. Just mere moments ago, you were about to square up with your teacher. Now you want nothing more than to hold him. Little did you know he felt the same about you.

His red eyes expressed a hint of worry behind them. You could tell he was concerned about hurting you or pressuring you into this.

With a deep breath, you closed the distance between you two and finally kissed him. You expected him to shove you away and call you boring, but his hands merely cupped your face as he deepened the kiss. You melted into it, completely forgetting that he was the reason you wouldn’t have a perfect GPA. But in that moment, you couldn’t care. You didn’t care that you were passionately kissing your teacher who has no emotion towards anything.

“Are you sure you don’t want to leave?” Kamukura asked, not taking his eyes off your mouth. You could tell he wanted nothing more than you to stay with him.

“I’m sure…”

His mouth slightly widened into the barely visible smile he had before. He smiled into another kiss with you, pushing you up against the wall. Izuru obviously knew what you were thinking, but he didn’t want to make the first move out of respect (consent king). So, you took his hands and moved them down to the dip in your hips. He definitely got the memo.

“Tell me if you want to stop.”

You nodded. The kisses got more rough, but he took his time with caressing your body. You loved the passion he was showing, but God you wanted him to hurry up.

Once he got to your chest, you took your shirt off, giving him an uncovered view of your chest. He was mesmerized by your body. Kamukura pulled you into yet another kiss, but this time it was by grabbing your ass. You were surprised by his strength, but then again, he WAS made to be impossibly strong…

While he was doing his own thing to you, you unbuttoned his shirt and watched it slide down his muscular arms. Holy shit. You weren’t expecting that. You should’ve, but you didn’t.

He softly chuckled, and that surprised both of you. Izuru removed his shirt, pulling you closer. You could feel each other’s body heat. You finally took off your bra and slid your skirt down. He took no time in reaching for your chest and caressing it. Meanwhile, you got his pants off. He led the two of you to his desk…

Kamukura laid you down and kissed down your body until he got to the line of your underwear. With a delicate touch, he took them off and put himself between your thighs, looking up at you with curiosity and lust. You whimpered, and that only made him more crazed.

He gently rubbed a finger up your slit, causing you to whimper yet again. You could see his smile through your half lidded gaze.

Finally he stuck a finger in. You gasped out in pleasure, and he slowly moved it in and out. You grabbed his hair and whimpered again. Fuck it, he couldn’t wait any more.

Kamukura removed his last article of clothing and slowly slid into you. Your hands grasped onto his toned back as your moans got louder with every inch he put in. He looked down at you, putting his hands underneath your back as he began his thrusting.

You heard his soft grunts, making you further crazed. You wrapped his legs around his torso and he sped up. The light of the hallway peeking in through his blinds gave his toned body a beautiful glow, and you were starstruck by it.

In an odd moment of wholesomeness, he placed a soft kiss on your forehead while he harshly thrusted into you. The duality, good lord.

Your whimpers and tightening drove him crazy. He sped up as fast as he could, causing his desk to shake. Even if someone heard you two, neither of you cared because of how good you both felt.

Even though it felt like seconds, moments passed before you tightened around him from finishing, therefore making him cum too. Both of you were unbelievably sweaty from the deed, and you laid on his desk staring at the ceiling.

“I’ll change your grade to an A.”

RAAAA THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVE THINGS IVE EVER WRITTEN, SHOUKD I MAKE A PART TWO…

[ec1ips3]

-;༉‧₊˚✧ 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐨𝐧𝐞’𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐞

⚡︎ pairing: jj maybank x fem!reader

⚡︎ summary: you and jj aren’t friends, the thought of being friends felt so foreign. after some arguments, boy troubles, and years of yearning and aruging, the idea doesn’t seem so foreign. 

⚡︎ warning: angst, mean jj, you’re a kook, i know that’s clique but i love kook!reader, swearing, she/her pronouns, not proofread, underage drinking, cheating, abandonment issues mentioned, mention of blood, fluff if you squint.

⚡︎ word count: 21, 284

⚡︎ a/n: hi everyoneeee! hope you’re all doing amazing. I decided to write some jj in honor of the new outer banks season i have yet to watch (because of jiara). also i’m guessing this takes place before season 2 because no cleo :(. BUT there is always a next time :). Also im sorry this is so long, i kept writing and i just kept adding and adding and adding, got too into it. also sorry this was late, but it’s okay because i think i wrote the best kissing scene i’ve ever written. Anyway like always, requests and taglist are always open. happy reading! <;33

masterlist | jj’s masterlist | taglist

“If you do it like that, you could break it” JJ complained.

“JJ, I did it the exact way you do it, get over it” You respond.

“Can you two stop acting like children?” Kie pleads.

You and JJ never got along. There was no real valid reason, not that you know of. You started hanging out with the pogues when Sarah and John B got together. She insisted one day you come with her so she actually has someone to talk to because there was still tension with Kie. You agreed because you wanted to help her, but one time turned into a second visit, then it became going every time Sarah went, or when Kie had called you to come over. 

It wasn’t like you stepped on JJ’s foot when he was younger, or that you acted cruel towards him like all the other kooks. JJ Maybank just hated you. Your face, your smile, your voice, your presence. He hated you. And he always made sure you knew he hated you.

It wasn’t like you stepped on JJ’s foot when he was younger, or that you acted cruel towards him like all the other kooks. JJ Maybank just hated you. Your face, your smile, your voice, your presence. He hated you. And he always made sure you knew he hated you.

It wasn’t like you stepped on JJ’s foot when he was younger, or that you acted cruel towards him like all the other kooks. JJ Maybank just hated you. Your face, your smile, your voice, your presence. He hated you. And he always made sure you knew he hated you.

JJ would always pick up stupid little arguments about anything. If you reacted in any sort of way he didn’t like, you wouldn’t hear the end of it. If you wanted to surf you were told you didn’t know how to. And you always fed into it.

“Y/n please, you two have been going at this all day on hms pogue,” Sarah says rubbing her head, hoping to soothe her headache from the arguing. 

“I’m curious JJ, what is my place here? Kook Princess?” You remind yourself of JJ’s comment earlier.

“You may be all high and mighty in kooklandia, but here, you’re a bottom feeder”

The both of you continue to argue, everyone on the poor boat having to listen to the both of you go back and forth. In the beginning, you ignored JJ and his remarks, he was furious when Sarah brought you the first time. He was already unhappy when John B brought one kook princess, but another one was his limit. 

You understood why JJ didn’t like you at first, you were a kook, people that treated people like him like garbage, he didn’t know who you were as a person.

But as you slowly showed up more often, JJ just seemed more annoyed with you. He hasn’t even tried to have one genuine conversation with you, he’s never said anything remotely nice to you, and he hasn’t made any friendly gesture towards you. After a while, you had reached your own limit. You were no longer able to just sit and frown as he said mean things to you, you started to defend yourself.

When John B finally docked the boat at the Chateau you were the first one off the boat thanking him once you landed and walking straight into the small house. You were hoping that Sarah or even Pope had been the one behind you but you knew it was too good to be true when you heard his voice again.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he asks following you.

“I’m getting away from you so you could stop annoying me” you roll your eyes.

“I wasn’t done talking to you,” JJ said.

“I was,” you say, plopping yourself on the couch, massaging your temple from the headache JJ had caused you.

“J, just let the girl be” Pope defended you, sitting next to you.

“Are you seriously on her side? When she was pulling the anchor chain, she was pulling it too close to us. She would’ve had to get us a new boat” JJ reminds him as everyone else walks in too.

“Like you wouldn’t have liked a new boat with my money” you grumbled.

“You mean daddy’s money,” JJ said. 

“JJ” Kie called him out.

“Am I wrong? It isn’t even her money. It’s the money daddy gives her. She doesn’t even do anything for it, she just has it” he continues.

“Oh, shut the fuck up JJ. You never stop talking about me or my family for more than 10 minutes” you stand up, visibly getting angrier.

“Yeah right kook princess, just like how you never-” 

“That’s enough!” John B cuts Jj off before he could finish. The room was now silent.

It always annoyed John B and Sarah how much you and JJ argue. JJ was like John B’s brother just like you’re just like Sarah’s sister. Seeing two people they loved argue really ruined their moods and sometimes they even had arguments about the two of you arguing. 

It wasn’t like John B didn’t like you, he did really like you. When Sarah would show up to a pogue thing, he would always ask for you, you were really easy to talk to, and you always looked out for him and his friends. JJ included. There were times when you had to pay for things for everyone, times when John B needed a little extra money for food, and even having to bail JJ out of jail. And you were always there to help and talk. 

JJ liked Sarah. That was it. She makes John B happy and that’s all that really matters to him. She always treats his friends right and makes them happy too. JJ is started to warm up more to Sarah and is beginning to have an actual conversation with him now. His only problem with Sarah is that she brings you around.

“I’m so sick and tired of the arguing today. Pope, JJ, and I will stay here. Ladies, do whatever you want, I don’t care. Just take her, away from him and we will all be happy” John B points to you and JJ when he says your name, his arms folded once he’s done.

“Yes! That’s a great idea. We could eat at the Wreck. I’m starving” Sarah jumps in, looking at you with the hope that you’ll agree.

“My dad did ask about you last time,” Kie told you, trying to convince you.

You didn’t need convincing. The second John B had said you and JJ needed to be apart, you would’ve done anything. 

“That isn’t fair. I’m hungry too” JJ complained.

“I will gladly leave,” you say.

“Perfect” Sarah sighs, walking to John B as a Bye and see you later.

You wave to Pope and John B who wave back, not indicating if you were coming back or not. The three of you left in Sarah’s car as she was the one who picked you up and drove to the Wreck.

The minute you stepped foot into the vehicle, there was a large weight lifted off of your shoulders. And when you stepped foot into the restaurant, your entire mood changed from annoyed to happy. Maybe it was the atmosphere, but Sarah and Kie are convinced it’s because you are now completely away from JJ.

The three of you strike up a random conversation, you not wanting to even think about the boy who changed the mood for you. After Kie gets your table’s food from the kitchen and you’re all eating is when someone just had to bring him up.

“Maybe you were just hangry when you had that argument with JJ” Sarah starts, and you roll your eyes.

“Or maybe, JJ is just annoying”

“She isn’t wrong, JJ is very annoying” Kie backs you up.

“Yeah but, Y/n. It’s JJ. You can always ignore him” Sarah says.

“If I ignore him he thinks it’s okay to do it. When I talk back he still thinks it’s okay, but he knows that I’m able to defend myself. That within himself already angers him” you say, sipping on your drink.

“I don’t know, maybe you guys just need to have sex,” Kie says plainly.

“Kie!” you and Sarah say at the same time.

“I’m serious. What if all this fighting is just both of you sexually frustrated with each other? Instead of taking each other’s clothes off, you argue with each other” Kie explains herself.

“I would rather get gum in my hair,” you say, biting a fry.

You would be lying if you said you didn’t find JJ attractive. Hell, everyone in, even Rafe did. 

Before you met him, you just liked to look from afar. When you did, you thought maybe if you were nice enough something would blossom. But nothing ever did, just hatred towards you. Maybe that’s why you never could actually hate JJ as much as you disliked him. Maybe it’s the way he laughs, the way he shakes his head like a dog when he gets out of water. Maybe his pretty privilege gives him a pass.

“Her idea doesn’t actually sound too bad,” Sarah says as she thinks about it more.

“Sarah!” you say.

“Think about it. What if one day you and JJ just fuck, do you think you’ll continue to fight?” Sarah asks.

“I don’t want to think about fucking JJ, thank you very much” you respond, going back to eating. After that statement and a few laughs from the table, Sarah strikes up a new conversation. 

Kie took this time to take other tables, every 20 minutes going back to your table to include herself in the conversation. As she was sitting this time, she noticed something, or rather someone.

Kie kicked your food under the table.

“Ow. What was that for?” you complain.

“Don’t look now but that guy behind you is totally checking you out” Kie says, still looking at the guy.

You did the only thing any reasonable person would and looked back, Sarah following suit. When you looked back a boy was looking at you. With light brown hair and blue eyes, he blushed and looked at his friends after you looked at him. He was really cute, like really really cute.

“I told you not to look back” Kie laughed.

“Yeah and I’m glad I did anyway. He’s cute” You say.

“You could always just, talk to him. Maybe get his number” Sarah suggested.

“Yeah right, he’s probably some guy that’s staying for the weekend, I’ll pass. Can you take me home now” You look at Sarah, her eyebrows knit together.

“You aren’t coming back?” she asks, you shake your head.

You were having a good time, going back to where he was would just ruin your mood. So to not risk it, you wanted to go home.

“To spare everyone from an even harder headache, I’ll stay home. I have things to do anyway” you say.

“You mean binge-watch ‘You’ and obsess over Joe Goldberg again” Kie calls you out.

“I can fix him” you respond.

“He’s a serial killer!” Kie responds

The table laughs until Sarah finally agrees, Kie going with her to drop you off at home. You do exactly what Kie said you would do, it’s a little boring but, it’s better than arguing with someone. 

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ｡･ ───

You’re scrolling on your phone when you hear your doorbell ring frantically. Since no one else was home, you take your phone with you as you quickly run down the stairs to open the door. When you open the door, you weren’t expecting Kie.

“Y/n, you have to come. Sarah got stung by a jellyfish” she said frantically

“Wait what, how? Why are you even here shouldn’t you be-” Kie cut you off before you could even finish your sentence.

“She wants you to pee on her. Just put on your shoes and come!” Kie tried pulling you out of the door but you took a step back. “Give me a second,” you said quickly getting your shoes from the side and holding them in your hand until you get in her car.

Kie drove you to the Chateau when she held your hand to the back you already saw Pope and John B on HMS Pogue. 

If John B was here, why did Sarah need you? “Wait, John B? Where’s Sarah?” you ask, getting on the boat, Pope holding your’s and Kie’s hand. 

“She’s on her dad’s. But she insisted we leave to get you to pee on her” John B explained.

“But you’re literally her boyfriend” you respond, confused.

“She said something about how ‘boy pee is dirtier than girl pee’” Pope said, you rolled your eyes. That is something Sarah would say. 

Eventually, John B pulled up next to Sarah’s boat. JJ was nowhere to be found, you had assumed he would be on the boat with Sarah to keep her company. But it was only her and her painful moans in the water.

You get on Sarah’s boat and you try to lift her, “Y/n, you’re here to pee on me” Sarah said cheerfully. 

You rolled your eyes, “I’m not peeing on you Sarah, I’m taking you to the doctor which should’ve been done when you first got stung” you said, sending daggers to John B’s eyes. 

“But you know that you can pee on someone to take the stinging away,” Sarah says leaning against you.

“I don’t even think that’s true but whatever helps you sleep at night,” you say walking to the edge of the boat so John B could take Sarah, who gracefully does his job. 

Once you hand Sarah off you hear banging, and when you look back the cockpit door is moving rapidly. The loud banging with the moving door only makes you more confused. 

“Sarah… Is there someone here?” you ask, expecting some sort of answer. But all you heard was the motor and silence. “Sarah?” you look back where John B’s boat should be but it isn’t there. 

Your eyes go wide, you see them slowly boat away. “Sorry Y/n, I still love you!” Sarah called out from the boat. She still loves you? What does she mean by-

You couldn’t even finish your thought before the cockpit door opens, but someone comes out quickly. When you see the familiar blond hair you want to curl into a ball and never come out again. 

JJ notices you, his eyes wide. He mumbles something under his breath before he goes to where you are and looks at his friends. “What the fuck?!” He yells at them.

“We’re tired of the arguing! We’ll come back in the morning for the both of you” Kie said.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me” you groaned.

JJ looked at you for a second, then back at his friends. He groans loudly, louder than you which already annoys you.

“They’re kidding right, they’re not actually gonna leave us here?” you ask him, JJ just rolls his eyes at you. “Yeah dumbass, they are. We did it to Kie and Sarah once” JJ told you, he sighed and walked away from you, pinching the bridge of his nose.

You suck your teeth and look where your friends were. But when you felt the familiar something in your shorts you squealed loudly. JJ looked back at you to see what made you so excited. But when you pulled out your phone that was when he got angrier. 

“It isn’t gonna work,” JJ tells you.

“You don’t know that Sarah’s boat should have wifi” 

“I do know that and she doesn’t. Remember she said something about how it never works when it’s away from her house.” JJ rolled his eyes.

When you stood up and raised your phone in the air you cursed yourself. He was right, it wasn’t working. You remember Sarah and Kie laughing about when the pogues did it to them. You had hoped that maybe this would help you and JJ. With that being said instead of trying to make an actual conversation with you, JJ pulls a joint out of his pocket, lights it up, and puts it to his lips before he could even offer it if you wanted.

Even if you rejected his offer, it would’ve shown he was actually trying. You roll your eyes and go down to where you and Sarah usually sleep when you sleep over on the boat. If he wasn’t going to make the effort, why should you? You thought.

You entertained yourself with the games on your phone that didn’t need wifi for a couple of minutes. Then minutes turned into hours when your phone died and you hadn’t seen JJ since you left him. You know he’s hungry because you’re hungry so as much as you dread it, you decide to put an end to the arguing.

You took some chips out of your and Sarah’s secret stash and left the small room. When you walk out the first thing that hits your nose is weed. You walk to the middle of the boat just to find him on the edge of it, smoking a joint, looking in the distance. You walked a little harder so JJ could recognize you were around, and he did, looking back at you. You threw him the chips. 

“I know you’re hungry, consider this a piece offering,” You say, opening your bag and taking out a chip to bite. 

JJ just looked at his chip bag and scoffed, he threw it back at your feet. “I don’t want it,” he said lowly. You roll your eyes, of course, he’s acting like a child. 

“Look, I don’t want to do this as much as you but we should at least give it a try. Us arguing is ruining our friendship with everyone else.” You explain to him

JJ laughed loudly, “you mean you’re ruining your relationship with everyone” 

“Excuse me”

“You heard me. Maybe if you weren’t so annoying you wouldn’t be ruining those friendships, but you are” JJ says 

You’re speechless for a second thinking of what to say before you actually say it. “Last time I check JJ it takes two people to hold an argument. I’m not the only annoying one” 

“Sorry, Princess but that’s all you. Maybe if you didn’t act like a kook you would be able to realize how annoying you are”

“Is that the only reason you don’t like me? Because I’m a kook? That’s real childish of you, JJ” 

JJ stood up at the word childish, getting close to you. “Then so be it, but at least I act like my true self,” he says

“What are you even talking about? I didn’t ask to be a kook, I can’t control that” you defend yourself.

“Yeah but you control who you choose or who not to be friends with,” JJ says, venom rolling off his tongue.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you knew exactly what he meant, you just wanted him to say it.

“You’re a princess who lives in this big castle, everyone caters to you. You can do no wrong, everyone loves you. But you chose to befriend the ones everyone looks down upon. It’s fucking weird and fake” JJ says, raising his voice slightly.

“So you hate me because I’m friends with your friends instead of some random kooks?” 

“No, I hate you because you are you. You’re a spoiled brat who uses daddy’s money to get closer to us. You act so innocent like you don’t know what you’re doing but you do! I don’t know why you’re friends with us Y/n but I know that when Daddy is no longer upset at you, you’ll go crawling back to your kook friends” JJ said, every word he said hurting you slightly more, and more.

“You don’t even know me,” you say angrily.

“And I don’t want to. Think about it. When it was just Sarah, everything was perfectly fine. No one was ever begging someone to stop arguing, we were always happy and laughing. That all changed when Sarah decided to bring you around. You changed everything!”

You were speechless, your mouth slightly wide, your eyebrows furrowed together. JJ has never yelled at you once, so seeing him do it now only made you feel pain. To think you actually liked this guy, to think you tried to befriend him. And all of it was for nothing.

JJ took your silence as an opportunity to go further. “You changed everything! And you changed everything for the worse! Do you actually think we enjoy being with you? Do you really think Pope doesn’t care when you ask him multiple questions? Do you really think Kie doesn’t hate it when you bring up something from the kook academy? Do you really think John B likes you? He only puts up with you because of Sarah. They all only put up with you because of Sarah! So get a grip, stop trying to be my friend, and leave my friends alone!”

The sound of his echoes was the only thing heard. Your eyes began to water. You knew he was wrong, if he wasn’t they would’ve all said something to you or Sarah. But there was a small part of you that believed him. 

JJ had only realized what he said once he noticed your entire face go pale. Like all the life and the spirit you had in you was gone instantly. He felt bad, he didn’t mean the words he said. He was angry, he wanted you to stay away from him. He never wanted to ruin you, when he first saw you, that was his one wish for himself. But he did it anyway.

“Y/n… I’m sorry I didn’t- I didn’t mean it. I- I was just saying-”

“It’s okay, I get it,” you said softly, it’s so soft and quiet. He’s never heard you be this quiet and he never wants to hear you this quiet ever again.

“No, this isn’t-” he took a step closer to you and you took two steps back. “Y/n…”

You wipe the tears that fall, “I’m gonna go back inside the cabin. Have a nice night JJ” you said even quieter than before.

“I’m sorry. Y/n I didn’t mean any of it, you gotta believe me” JJ pleaded with you. You couldn’t look him in the eyes, you knew if you did you would only cry more.

 “Yeah JJ. I believe you” you said, looking at him for a second, just a second. Once you do you quickly turn away, walking to the cabin.

JJ didn’t stop you, he wanted to. He didn’t want to make you cry, he never wanted to even see you cry. He ran his fingers through his hair and grabbed the ends of it. He felt like an idiot. He sat down, the unopened bag of chips next to him. He looked at it and shook his head, getting angrier with himself.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *. ☽ .* :☆ﾟ｡･ ───

The sunlight fell onto your face, waking you up. Your eyes were tired from all of the crying you did last night. You had a massive headache. Your voice felt so small. Everything from last night made you want to go back to sleep and stay in that cabin for the rest of your life, but you knew that wouldn’t be possible. 

You walked out of the cabin and saw a small bag of chips at the door, the bag of chips you gave him. You throw it back into the cabin and you didn’t even try to look for him. You were on the edge waiting for your friends to come back. 

You finally saw a small white dot in the distance, sighing with relief. But that sigh was too soon because you felt the new presence behind you. The HMS Pogue was getting closer and neither of you said a word. Not until it was almost there that JJ had broken the silence.

“I’m really sorry Y/n. I shouldn’t have said any of those things to you because they all aren’t true.”

You stood up and looked at him, “it’s okay JJ. You won’t have to worry about me anymore” you say, looking at the HMS Pogue.

“What?” his blue eyes filled with confusion.

“I’ll stay away from you and your friends. Just so everyone can be happy like they were before me”

“Y/n” was all JJ said when he heard Kie’s voice.

“Did everything go as planned?” she asked. The both of you were silent.

You had climbed down to the HMS Pogue with the help of Pope, both you and JJ silent as ever. 

“Guess not” John B mumbled, climbing onto Sarah’s boat with Sarah. 

“Why are you getting here?” JJ asked. 

“Well, I need my boat back. So John B and I were gonna drive it back to my house and Pop was gonna take the pogue boat and drive to my house in the twinkie to pick us up. You can join John B and me if you want” Sarah offered JJ.

He looked at you who was looking at the ground below you. So quiet you were. JJ nodded, walking away from the edge of Sarah’s boat.

“Pope, can you drive me home before you pick them up? My mom is probably freaking out about where I was last night” you ask him, your eyes soft and the presence you held within them so small.

“Uhm, yeah. Sure, Of course” Pope nodded, starting the HMS Pogue. 

“Uh, we’ll see you guys later,” Kie told John B and Sarah.

“See you later,” Sarah said, but she only looked at you.

The boat ride to the Chateau was the quietest it’s ever been in. You, Pope, and Kie got in the twinkie shortly after docking and just like he said, Pope took you home first. Not without a bye of course.

When you walked into your house, your mother was already waiting for you in the kitchen. After your long minutes of scolding and your punishment of not going outside unless asked to for a week, you went to your room. To do what you did in the cabin. Cry your eyes out.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *. ☽ .* :☆ﾟ｡･ ───

The week’s punishment wasn’t bad. You actually enjoyed it. You had an excuse for Sarah and Kie when they asked to hang out. But once the week was up you gave every excuse in the books to not go. You told JJ you would stay away from them, and you are. 

You would be lying if you said it wasn’t lonely, it was very lonely. You were so used to being with them almost every day that now your day just feels empty. And poor Sarah. You would talk to her every day, there wasn’t one time when you weren’t with or texting her. You didn’t tell her what happened on the boat after she asked. You didn’t want their image of JJ to disappear.

JJ was also going through it. Ever since what happened on the boat JJ was quieter than usual, it made the rest of the pogues worry. He also hadn’t told them what happened on the boat mainly because he knew you weren’t going to.

Every time the pogues brought you up JJ just felt guilty. He knows he is the reason why you aren’t showing up anymore, and in a way, the pogues know it too. JJ didn’t know what to do, he wanted to talk to you but he didn’t know if he should actually go to your house. He had a feeling you would just ignore him and tell him to leave. JJ felt helpless, he didn’t know how to clean up the mess he created.

When you woke up this morning you did your usual routine, mainly just sulking. When you went to eat your breakfast though your mom asked to run some errands for her. You asked her why she couldn’t do it and she reminded you that you haven’t been outside in a while, to soak up some sun. 

She was right though, you hadn’t been out since Pope dropped you off. You agreed to run the errands. You got upstairs and decided to try to look decent since you’ve just been in pajamas. Once you were done and looked at yourself in the mirror you felt more like yourself, maybe you felt even a little happier. 

You went in your car to do the things your mom told you to do, playing your music and you felt better than when you first woke up in the morning. You went to the flower shops, you went to your mom’s office to grab something, you went to the grocery store, and the last place you had to go to was Heywards. You saved that for last because you know Pope is usually with his dad, sometimes JJ and John B even helping for extra cash.

Once you walked in Mr. Heyward already smiled at you. “Y/n, how are you doing? Long time no see”

“Mr. Heyward, I’m alright. How are you? How’s Mrs. Heyward” 

“Oh, she’s doing great. You know you could just call me Heyward, Y/n. Mr. Heyward makes me feel old” you both laugh. “What brings you here?” he asks, the smile still on his face. 

“My mom had made an order a couple of days ago she said, I’m just here to pick it up and pay”

“I’ll get right on that” He starts to walk away but he pauses and looks back “You know, the rest of them have been around a couple of times and I haven’t seen you. Pope hasn’t even mentioned you in a while. I guess what I’m letting you know is that they miss having you around” 

“Oh” was your only response, you didn’t know what to say. It felt nice knowing that they miss you, but it pains you to know they still want you around. 

“I’ll get your order now. I’ll be with you right now sir” Mr. Heyward said to someone behind you and walked away quickly.

You looked behind you once he left, and it was a guy behind you. Light brown hair and blue eyes. He looked familiar but you didn’t know from where. When you looked back at him it was like his interest had peaked, once you smiled at him and he returned one you turned away. 

There was an awkward silence between the two of you but Mr. Heyward came out quickly with a bag. “Here you go, that’ll be 67.95,” he said. You gave him a hundred-dollar bill. “You can keep the change Mr. Heyward” you smiled.

Mr. Heyward thanked you and you grabbed the bag walking to your car now. You put the bag in the backseat on the driver’s side but when you shut the door the boy that was inside was walking towards you.

“Hi, I don’t want to take too much of your day. I don’t know if you remember me but I saw you t that one restaurant, you were with your friends, two girls.” He says, you jog your memories and it pops up.

“Yes! I was wondering why you looked so familiar. I remember now, what’s up” you give him a gentle smile.

“Well, I was with my friends there too. And they noticed I was looking at you and they wanted me to ask you out. I kinda chickened out and when you left I thought I wasn’t going to see you again. But now that I have, I think it’s a sign to take my chance. So are you willing to maybe, go on a date with me? You could say no of course but I wouldn’t mind a yes either” he gives you a dazzling smile. He was cute. You haven’t been on a date in forever and you don’t have friends to make plans with. The worst that could happen is the date doesn’t go well.

“Yeah, sure. I’d love to”

The boy smiles wider, “great. That’s perfect uhm- Sorry I thought you would say no” he says, sounding suddenly out of breath. You giggle at him. You pull out your phone and pull up to add to contacts, giving it to him.

“Give me your number and I’ll give you mine. Just text me the details and it’s a date” you say, the boy gives you his phone quickly. You put your phone number and put your name down, then you texted yourself a little message before giving the phone back.

“Oh, I’m Jayden by the way,” the boy says. 

“Y/n” you respond, walking to open your car door. “I’ll see you around Jayden” you opened the door. 

“Likewise, I’ll get right on with the details,” Jayden says, you nod and he walks away a smile on both of your faces. 

You enter your car and drive home in a much better mood, you needed this. A cute date with a cute guy. This could lead to absolutely nothing or maybe just a short fling, you didn’t mind either. Maybe this could help you take your mind off of the pogues.

But the pogues wouldn’t take their mind off of you. Especially not anymore. Pope was outside of Heyward’s and watched when you first pulled up to his dad’s business. Not only that but his dad mentioned you were there. Pope saw you walk out and saw a guy he’s never seen before walk up to you. He watched as you listened to what the boy was saying and he saw when you gave him your number.

He didn’t know when he was gonna bring it up but he knew he would tell the rest of them. There was a part of him that felt like it wasn’t anyone’s business, to just leave you alone. But then he reminded himself how much everyone is moping around, maybe this will be a clue.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *. ☽ .* :☆ﾟ｡･ ───

Some time has passed since you were at Heyward’s. A month to be exact. 

You were happier than the month prior. The date with Jayden went so well you had another one not long after. Then you started hanging out more and more. Then he kissed you. Not long after he asked you to be his girlfriend.

You felt like it was too short, you hadn’t known him for long and he was already asking you to be his girlfriend. But you accepted anyway.

It’s been almost two months since the last time you saw the pogues. Almost two months since you saw Sarah. God, you missed her. You wanted to tell her all about Jayden, you wanted to have a girls’ day with her and Kie. You wanted to be with the pogues. You wanted to laugh like you used to, you wanted to surf with people who knew how to, and you wanted to feel fun again.

Jayden introduced you to his friends after the second date. Neither he nor his friends lived in the Outer Banks, they all lived on the mainland. They usually came out here for the summer but the commute from there to the mainland wasn’t long, so the relationship was doable when summer is over.

His friends, Austin, Rafael, Kolton, and Garrett are nice, they engage in conversations with you. The girls, April, Diana, and Alana didn’t bother you. They seemed to like you, always finding something to compliment you with. This group of friends was so much different than the one you were so familiar with. The pogues felt like a family, this one was separated into two, the boys and the girls. Everyone spoke to each other but you knew there was something deeper inside the group, a secret not everyone knew about.

You’ve mainly just been with Jayden and his friends, going to one of their house parties a couple of times. It wasn’t like the keggers but it did help you forget about the people you’d rather be with.

You were now getting ready to pick up Jayden to go to Rafael’s house, doing a light amount of makeup since you’ll be in his pool. You hear a knock on your door, you tell your mom she can come in. Your back is turned away from the door so when you hear it close followed by silence you look back. The person you didn’t expect to see was Sarah.

“Sarah… What are you.. What are you doing here?” you ask.

“Are you serious right now, Y/n?” Sarah said she is visibly angry.

You close your eyes and breathe out, once you opened them Sarah didn’t wait for a second to continue to speak.

“I haven’t seen you in almost two months. You haven’t texted me back in a week and a half to hang out with you and every time you do text back it’s some stupid excuse. I try calling you, Kie has tried calling you, hell, even John B has tried calling you to come over. I have to show up at your house unannounced and lie to your mom about being here and why she hasn’t seen me in so long. And your first words to me are asking me what I’m doing here?” she rants

You’re quiet. You don’t know what to say. A simple ‘I’m sorry’ isn’t going to solve this problem. Your silence only makes Sarah angrier.

“And Pope- he told us he saw you with some boy last week, apparently this is the second time he’s seen you with him. And not once did you even think to tell me. Is this what you’re doing? Are you just abandoning us for some random guy? Why aren’t you saying anything?!” her voice finally gets loud, she didn’t want your mom to worry but she wanted you to understand how she feels.

“Now, I’m not abandoning you guys. I’m just taking a break. You don’t get it alright” you say, getting up from your vanity and walking back and forth across your room.

“I don’t get it because you never told me anything. One day we were great, we put you and JJ on a boat and the next morning you never speak to me again. What happened on that boat?”

“JJ and I just had a bad argument. Instead of arguing, I’m just taking a break from him so we wouldn’t argue so much” it wasn’t the full truth, but it was something you could give her. Sarah stood silent to let you speak.

“If you were tired of the arguing imagine how I was. And as for the boy, I met him when Pope saw us the first time I’m guessing. But the second time, we had just started dating. We still are dating. I’m going out to see his friends now” 

Sarah was silent, trying to process everything you were saying. You, dating a guy you hadn’t known for long was unlike you.

“I’m fine Sarah. I’m doing good actually. I have a good boyfriend who is treating me right and his friends are treating me like they’ve known me longer than they’ve known him. You and the rest of the pogues can stop worrying about me now. I’ll be around soon but right now, I’m not ready yet”

Sarah sucked on her teeth, she couldn’t believe what she was hearing right now. You started putting on your shoes and started walking to the door, Sarah stepping in your way.

“Where do you think you’re going?” 

“I already told you, I’m going to my boyfriend’s friend’s house to hangout”

Sarah scoffed, “so you’re leaving this here, all for some people you barely even know? This isn’t like you, Y/n. Just talk to me and we could have this all figured out”

“I don’t want to talk right now Sarah and I promised Jayden I would be there today. I’m sorry for everything and I’m sorry for leaving right now but I have to go whether you like it or not.” 

You maneuvered around her and opened the door, walking out of your room and going down the stairs. “Y/n” Sarah called out, you looked back as she was slowly going down the stairs.

“If you need anything. Someone to laugh with, someone to gush about your new boyfriend too, someone to cry on their shoulder. I’m here” Sarah said, her voice shaky like she was about to cry. 

You walked to Sarah and hugged her tightly, tears streaming down both of your faces. You knew this wasn’t a goodbye, this wasn’t something where you would never see her again. It was more of a way of both of you saying you miss each other without actually saying you miss each other.

“I’ll talk to you soon, okay?” you whispered in her ear. Sarah nodded quickly after, “yeah, I’d like that” she laughed lightly, you laughing with her.

You separate from her and just look at her for a moment. You get the feeling to just ditch Jayden and stay with Sarah. Go back to the chateau and just hang out with everyone. You just tell everyone about the new people you met and make fun of them. You knew JJ would like it too, he had a thing for making fun of wealthy people.

But you didn’t.

You walked out of your front door, saying bye to Sarah and you drive to Jayden’s house. You waited for him to come out of his house and you looked at yourself in the mirror, your eyes puffy, a sign you had been crying. But that didn’t matter, your only thoughts were of the pogues suddenly, your only thoughts were of him.

When Jayden showed up in your car and kissed your lips. He didn’t even question your state and just went straight to talking about nonsense. Talking about things you never really cared about. You would look at him occasionally. Just because you were admiring him. You only ever did that with him. But because you started to think did you really like Jayden, or was he some sort of distraction? 

You showed up at Rafael’s house, everyone already in some sort of bathing suit with a beer in their hand. You didn’t want one so once you settled down, you got into the pool. Conversations striking left and right. But you weren’t interested in them. Your mind always wandered to someplace else. You were like this the entire night.

You kept thinking about them and how happier you would be if you were there. Sarah’s words made you feel like you abandoned them. But JJ didn’t want you there. He didn’t like you being there. Then why do you keep thinking of him? Why are you imagining yourself with JJ, being a little too close if he didn’t like you? 

It’s a shame your mind is everywhere else but present. Maybe if your mind was where everyone else was you would notice the pity stares you’re getting right now. Maybe you would notice Diana getting close to Jayden. Maybe you would notice their whispering. But you didn’t. And every time you looked at him, he smiled back at you. 

You felt pity for him. From your perspective, you’re thinking of a different guy while you’re still with him. To you, he isn’t a bad boyfriend. To you, he deserves better. When you get up, he separates himself from Diana, and you walk over to him, sitting next to him. You kissed his cheek and then started to engage in the current conversation.

After you left Sarah went to the chateau, telling everyone what happened. She told them about how you have a new boyfriend named Jayden. She told them what you looked like. You looked normal but you didn’t look like yourself. She told them her suspicions. She told them she thinks you don’t even want to be with Jayden and that you don’t want to be with his friends either.

JJ heard it all. He wanted to go pick you up and take you back here with him. But who is he to you? The guy who made her push everyone away. The guy who made become friends with this random guy’s friends. He caused all of this. So why would you listen to him?

He was jealous when Sarah mentioned Jayden. He had been jealous when Pope had brung it up at first. He was the one who convinced the group that maybe the boy she gave her number to was just a friend. But the group knew he wasn’t, they just let JJ think he convinced them. JJ mainly convinced himself. He was jealous when Pope saw you and him again, “clinging onto each other” in Pope’s words. 

JJ knew he shouldn’t be jealous, he was the one that helped the guy. But there was still that part of him that couldn’t help being jealous.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *. ☽ .* :☆ﾟ｡･ ───

You and Sarah slowly started to make up. You met up with her once since she showed up at your house three weeks ago. You spoke more about how you were doing, and how Jayden was, even showing pictures of him and all of his friends. Sarah did the same, talking about the pogues and about how much they missed you. She told you how JJ has been different since the boat. He was a lot quieter and a little calmer. It was getting harder and harder for him o want to go out, John B, Kie, and Pope doing all they could to even get him to surf. JJ loves surfing.

He didn’t even want to party anymore. Just wanted to stay in John B’s bed all day and sleep all day. It was different from the JJ you once knew.

Sometime after the meetup Sarah had convinced you to let Jayden meet her, baby steps she said. This was mainly so Sarah could get his vibe and report back to the pogues but she didn’t tell you that. She claimed it was because she wanted to warn him if he ever broke your heart.

Today was the day, Sarah had told you to meet up at the Wreck so all you had to do was get Jayden and meet her there. You had called and texted him with no response, something you’re getting used to lately because he keeps oversleeping. When he does you have to go to his room and wake him up so you knew that’s what you would most likely do today. You got ready and texted him you were on the way just in case he woke up in the middle of your driving.

You pulled to his house and walked in, already knowing the door was opened. You walked up the stairs and knocked on his door, once, twice. No response. You twisted the knob to see if he had locked it or not. But it was unlocked.

You walked in saying, “Jayden, we’re meant to be seeing Sarah today, can you wake-”

You stopped yourself. The sight in front of you makes you sick. You feel humiliated, embarrassed, angry, and lied to.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” you say loudly, Jayden and Diana jumping awake.

Both of their eyes wide, “Wait wait wait wait. Baby, Baby-” Jayden started.

“Don’t you fucking baby me. How dare you? How dare you?!” You ask him.

Diana pulled the covers over her body, “Y/n, I’m so sorry I-” she started.

“Save it.” you kept your eyes on Jayden. “I can’t fucking believe this, how long has this been going on?”

The both of them were silent. “Fucking Answer me!” you yell.

“Since before I saw you at that place the first time” Jayden responded.

Your head felt dizzy. You couldn’t believe this. This was the secret this group was hiding. 

“Y/n, baby. I’m sorry I didn’t- It was an accident” Jayden said getting closer to you.

“An accident? An accident is spilling milk on the floor or tripping somewhere. This is no accident! You putting your dick inside her multiple times is not an accident!” you said getting angrier.

“I have needs baby, come on. We were together for a month and we never had sex. You don’t even send pics. I needed to release, baby. You understand that, don’t you?”

You were stunned. All of this was because he needed to fuck someone? He just needed a good lay? Is he fucking serious? Trying to blame you when he can’t keep his dick in his pants.

Although you didn’t feel an ounce of love for him. This still hurt you. No one likes being cheated on. 

“And to think I was gonna introduce you to my best friend today” tears started to stream down your face. 

“Y/n…” he says quietly, his arms open, taking a step closer. You step back.

“No. We’re done. Don’t call me. Don’t text me. Don’t even look at me!” you yell at him, tears still coming out of your eyes. Your eyes went to Diana, “and you. I liked you.” you scoffed. You walked out of his room, the tears trickling down to your clothes, messing your makeup up.

Once you get into your car and start driving to your house, you almost forgot to call Sarah. When you dial her number down she answers immediately, “I’m almost out the door right now-” she started, her voice cheerful as ever.

“Don’t even bother showing up. He’s a dick” you said, it was obvious you had been crying.

“Y/n, are you okay baby? What happened?” Sarah asked, worry in her voice.

You begin to cry again, even just saying the words make you sick.

“Jayden he- he was in bed with Diana,” you said, a cry following after you.

“Oh babe, I’ll be at your house in two seconds. I’ll be there” Sarah said, the sound of her front door closing.

“No, Sarah. I- Don’t come please, I-”

“I told you when you need a shoulder to cry on,  I’ll be there. I’m on my way now” she said hanging up.

She felt awful for you. She texted Kie about the change of plans, she was staying with you for the rest of the day. Jayden cheated on you.

Kie told John B, Pope, and JJ. Hearing you got cheated on made JJ’s blood boil. What was the point of being with you if he was gonna cheat? He couldn’t stay loyal for a month? JJ wanted to do something, anything. He was about to go to your house but Kie had reminded him Sarah would be there with you. 

That’s what stopped him. Knowing you had someone else there with you.

And you did.

Sarah showed up at your house and hugged you tighter than she’s ever hugged you before. You just cried and cried and cried on the poor girl. Sarah helped you clean your makeup off as she reminded you how beautiful you look. Sarah would look at her phone occasionally, it was mostly Kie telling her how worried JJ is and JJ texting her to see how you were holding up.

You told her everything, how Jayden first started to not wake up. Now looking back it was just him waking up Diana and getting her out before you could see her. Or maybe he hid her when you showed up. You didn’t care. You told her what happened at his friend’s house, how after Sarah spoke to you all, you thought about the pogues. All you thought about was how it would’ve been better if you were with them. 

You and Sarah at one point changed into pajamas, Sarah changing into the one she leaves behind. After several hours of crying, yelling, singing, and dancing. It was beginning to get late, your eyes were both tired from the crying but also tired because you were just exhausted.

Sarah held you in her arms, your mind begins to wander. 

“Do they know?” you ask quietly. Sarah knew exactly who you were talking about. She nodded.

“What did he say?” you ask even quieter. Sarah knew who you were talking about, but she wanted you to say it. “Who?” she asks. 

“JJ.” 

Sarah closes her eyes, holding you tighter. You were fully expecting her to say nothing, you were expecting her to say he didn’t care.

“He’s been worried sick. It’s kinda cute actually. Look” Sarah says, showing you her phone and the text messages JJ has sent.

You weren’t expecting so many texts asking how you were, if he could come over, how could he help, when she thinks you’ll be fine. Sarah just kept responding with you were getting there, that he shouldn’t come over, that he shouldn’t help, and that it takes time.

But every time JJ insisted on going over, he wanted to know your current status, he wanted to help. Once Sarah stopped answering, he kept texting the same messages as before. 

At the bottom of the screen, you see the familiar three dots. They disappeared for a second and a new message popped up. “I see you reading my texts. Answer them and let me come over Sarah.”

You smile, something Sarah hasn’t seen in a while. You close your eyes once Sarah takes her phone away.

“I know this isn’t the right time. But whatever he said on the boat, Y/n. He didn’t mean it.” Sarah says quietly, when you didn’t respond, she went on.

“You see he cares about you Y/n. And it isn’t my place to tell you. But you mean a lot to him, he just doesn’t know how to handle it sometimes”

You sighed.

“Goodnight, Sarah”

Sarah was quiet, getting the memo.

“Goodnight, Y/n”

 ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *. ☽ .* :☆ﾟ｡･ ───

It’s been quiet now. You’ve just been in your room. Like how you were after the boat. Sarah would come over every single day, even if it meant spending 30 minutes with you, she would come over. She would even sometimes bring Kie with her. 

And every time either of them would come over, their phone would always get a text ping. And every time you glanced at their phone. Even a little bit. It always said either JJ or JJ Maybank.

You’ve been moping around, Sarah was starting to feel bad, summer was about to end and John B had suggested throwing a kegger a few days ago, JJ was not really into the idea. He also said this could be an opportunity to try to get you back with the pogues. Once John B said that JJ was down.

So after Sarah was at the chateau and went to your house to just hang out, she had brought some clothes over so she could leave to the kegger after your house. But she wanted you to join her. 

As she was getting ready in your room, you were snuggled up in your bed, watching her mumble some song lyrics that were playing in your room. Sarah always looked pretty, but she would always outdo herself when it comes to parties. She loved going to them and she loved the thrill of being at them. The adrenaline rushes you get and the energy that everyone has bounces off each other.

“You should come,” Sarah said, sending you out of your trace.

“What?”

“You should come. You haven’t been to a party in forever” she looked back at you.

“That isn’t true. Remember I would go to Jayden’s friend’s parties” you remind her, she rolled her eyes at the name of Jayden.

“Yeah, but those don’t count. I mean you haven’t been to a party with me in forever. If you don’t come right, you’ll have a shitty summer”

“This summer has already been shit.” you roll your eyes. Sarah walked to the side of your bed and pouted.

“I would be really happy if you came Y/n. I miss you”

You laugh, “I’m right here. You saw me yesterday and the day before that and the day before that you even brought Kie.”

“I miss the fun you have.”

You stood silent. The words hurt. Not because Sarah said it in a mean way, but because she was true. You haven’t been having fun, with anyone. You were different. More bland and private. Sarah used to be able to read you completely. Now you built a wall, so thick and so high that she hasn’t been able to break through it.

“Y/n,” Sarah says quietly, looking at you in your eyes. “What did JJ say on the boat?”

Your eyes leave hers. You didn’t want to tell her. You don’t want to. You didn’t want her to think of JJ differently. You didn’t want her to hate her boyfriend’s best friend. But god did you need to get it off of your chest.

“Just promise you won’t think of him differently” Sarah nodded.

“I said promise, Sarah,” you said, your voice stern.

Sarah was confused at the change of tone, “I promise I won’t think of him differently. And I won’t hate him”

You looked at her and nodded.

“After you guys left us, we didn’t talk. I was waiting for him to talk to me. Then the sun started to set and my phone had died, I thought to make a peace offering, I could give him our stash since you guys didn’t leave us food.” 

“I told John B you guys needed something but continue”

You smiled at her for a second. “Let me just say, JJ was pissed that you guys left us alone. Like he was distraught, more so than me. And I only know that because was on the edge of where you guys left us, looking in the direction you left in. But I tried to give him the chips and talk to him but he just refused. We started arguing per usual but this time he just seemed angrier. He was saying things about how I chose to be friends with the pogues and how I could’ve been friends with kooks. He then went on to say how none of you guys liked hanging out with me and gave me reasons why you put up with me”

Sarah’s heart dropped. She knew JJ, and she knew that wasn’t like JJ. She knew what she was going to do at the party.

“I know now, he’s just an idiot and wasn’t thinking before he spoke. He was just upset. He even apologized after he said it, and tried apologizing the morning after. And I don’t fully forgive him. But hearing what he was saying hurt Sarah, terribly. At that moment I thought they were true. So I told him I wouldn’t be around you guys anymore, and I wasn’t around you guys.” 

“Can I hug you?”

You nodded, Sarah getting closer to you as you both wrapped your arms around each other. “I’m so sorry that happened. None of what he said is true. I’ll talk to him tonight”

“No, don’t.” You cut her off. Sarah separated herself, confused. “I just.. I don’t want him to be mad that I told someone. I don’t want him to hate me more than he does”

Sarah laughed, “he doesn’t hate you, Y/n. He never did. He just needed to find a reason to hate you. But since you don’t want me to talk about him, I won’t.” She lied. Of course, she was going to tell him. She knew he wouldn’t be upset, but even if he did, she wouldn’t have cared.

“Thanks” you smiled at her. Sarah smiled and got up from the bed, going to your closet. Your brows knit together. “What are you doing?”

“I’m picking out your outfit for the kegger”

You sat up from your bed, “Who said I was going?”

“I did” Sarah smiled.

“Sarah, I don’t have an outfit, my hair isn’t done, and it’ll take me too long to get ready. I can’t go”

Sarah pulled out a short black dress you had stuffed in your closet long ago. “You have an outfit, I can do your hair and makeup. It’ll be quiet” Sarah said a devilish smile on her face.

“What about my mom?”

“Y/n, you walk out of your house all the time. What’s stopping you now? Just come to the kegger.”

“What if Jayden’s there?”

Sarah rolled her eyes, “he’s not gonna be there, and if he is fuck him. Show him what he cheated on. He’s a loser anyone so it shouldn’t matter if he was there or not.”

You thought about it. A smile crept on your face. You nodded and Sarah squealed loudly. She pulled you out of bed and sat you down on your vanity. She pulled your hair down and quickly went to work, taming the beast you developed over time. Not long after she started to do your makeup, telling you how excited she was you were going. Giggling at just the thought before everything started. She told you how excited Pope and John B were gonna be, she even included JJ in it.

Once she was done with your makeup you got changed in your bathroom, once you were in the dress you looked at yourself in the mirror. You knew you were gonna get clod but who cares? You looked more like yourself than you did when you were with Jayden. You liked how you looked, Sarah did a good job making it look like it took hours to get ready. 

“Are you gonna come out or stay locked up in your bathroom forever?” Sarah called out from the outside. You laughed and opened the door, her mouth opening the minute she saw you. “You look so hot!” she squealed loudly.

“I feel like it too,” you say, Sarah, laughing.

“This is so exciting. I can’t wait to get you drunk” Sarah giggled.

“No way, I’m the DD. I agreed to go, you have to agree with me now” 

Sarah pouted and gave you puppy eyes. “That may work on John b, but it doesn’t work on me. So give me your keys, I’m driving and let’s get the fuck out of here.” 

Sarah smirked, “don’t make me makeout with you right now,” she said, you both laughed, and eventually Sarah gave you the car keys as you both got into the car.

Sarah was controlling the music the whole time while you were driving to the beach. She was yelling and screaming every lyric to every song she played. Her voice just never got tired and it made you laugh the entire time. You joined her for a couple of songs, but you mainly enjoyed the show. You missed this.

When you parked the car Sarah got out after seeing her boyfriend from the window. She smiled at the way she clung onto him like he was her lifeline. You wished you had something like that, but the last thing you needed right now was boy troubles.

You locked the door and walked up to where Sarah was, who was just with the pogues, except JJ. When you showed up John B and Pope’s eyes lit up. Pope hugged you immediately, “God I missed you. I was starting to lose brain cells with these guys,” he said. You just laughed. “Long time no see,” John B said.

“Yeah, Long time no see. Missed you guys” You respond, John B awes you and hugs you.

“Can we please share her? I need to hug her too” Kie said. 

“You saw her two days ago. I haven’t seen her in almost three months” John B defended himself, still keeping you close.

Kie pulled John B away from you and hugged you gently, “Are you back now?” she asked. The rest of the pogues behind Kie waiting for an answer. You roll your eyes playfully, “since you insist” you say.

They cheer, everyone now excited to have you around again. John B gets you a cup filled with some liquor, “I’m the DD tonight, can’t” you respond.

“But it’s your first night back” Kie pleaded with you.

“I know, but I want to make sure everyone is okay for the night. Next one I’ll drink” you promised them. The pogues nodded and John B took whatever was inside the cup for you.

The rest of the night was filled with laughter and catching up. You and Kie finally talk about what happened since you were gone, bringing up the fact that JJ was different. 

“Where is he anyway?” you asked.

“He was here before you showed up, probably off with some girl” Kie responded, going back to how everything was.

You felt a pang in your heart with the thought of him with someone else. This wasn’t the first time you felt that pang when someone mentioned JJ with a girl. But there wasn’t much you could do about it. So you chose to do what you always did, ignored it.

You spoke to John B about Sarah, and how much she missed you while you were gone. But when she started going over to your house every day that she was happier than ever. He acknowledged what happened with Jayden and said he was sorry for what happened. John B always felt like a brother to you, so it was no surprise that your heart grew warm when he felt bad. You told him not to worry about it and to just focus on Sarah tonight and have fun.

You then moved on to Pope who had, so many things to tell you. He was never a big drinker so he was soberer than you are you thought. He told you all of his thoughts and theories he had when you were away. He was giving you updates about schools and such and explained he missed having deep, thoughtful conversations with you. Out of the corner of your eye though, you saw a girl looking at him. You whispered it into his ear and when he looked she blushed. You took that as a sign to find Sarah as you told him to shoot his shot.

You went looking for a certain blond. You hadn’t seen him the entire time you were there and you were beginning to think he left at some point. Sarah found you first though, so when she saw you, she pulled you and started to dance with you. You could tell Sarah was already drunk but you didn’t mind it, the whole point of the kegger was to get drunk and have fun.

You’ve been at the kegger for a couple of hours now, talking to other people, meeting the last of the tourins that were the last on the island. You were enjoying yourself, completely sober, and still having a good time. 

But then you saw him. 

Hanging out with his friends. Pointing at you and looking back at his friends. You were gonna ignore him, he didn’t deserve your time of day. Once the laughing got louder you chose to try to walk away. You didn’t want to start something at the kegger, not after everything you’ve been this summer already.

But once you started to walk away, someone bed your arm. You quickly turn around and it’s April. Jayden’s other girl friend, or maybe someone else he was sleeping with.

“Y/n, where’d you go? Come join us” April said.

You shook your head quickly, “I’m sorry April. I have to get back to my friends” you say, putting your hand on top of her’s so she could let go. 

“We just wanted to talk to you, it’ll take five minutes. Tops.” April smiled, you were cautious. You looked around the kegger for any sign of your friends so you could get out of this situation. But you couldn’t find one, not even Sarah who had been dancing the whole night. When you looked back you were already being dragged back to April and the rest of Jayden’s friends.

“Y/n!” Kolton called out, you awkwardly smiled. He was standing in between his friends, looking at you up and down. Smirking.

“We haven’t seen you in forever. Just because Jayden was fucking Diana doesn’t mean you should ditch us” Austin slurred, the rest of them laughing with him.

“Hey could you guys make this quick, I have to be with my friends,” you tell them, visibly uncomfortable.

“Your friends that you left? That you replaced?” Alana started, “if they were your friends you wouldn’t have replaced them. Stay here with us” you looked at Jayden since he was the only person who knew about the pogues, he didn’t know why you left them, just the fact that you spaced yourself from them.

“I’m sorry if you guys aren’t gonna say something worth my time, I’ll get going,” you say, beginning to walk away. But Jayden had grabbed your wrist.

“Don’t worry about them, I just wanted to talk to you. We’re all drunk” Jayden confessed, the rest of them laughing. You tried to pull your wrist away but he kept his hold on it.

“I just wanted to talk to you.” He repeats, one of his hands caressing your cheek, the other still on your wrist. You moved your face away from his touch.

“I don’t want to talk to you, Jayden”

He scoffed. “You don’t want to talk to me? Why? Because I was fucking someone behind your back?” he laughed. “It shouldn’t have been that big of a deal. I mean it doesn’t seem like it is now. You’re at a party, dancing like a slut. Talking to other guys” 

Your eyes widened at his words. He probably won’t even remember this in the morning. You didn’t care about him, you never loved him, and he was just your boyfriend for a little over a month. You shouldn’t even count that as a relationship.

But if he didn’t matter, why are his words making you upset?

“I should’ve guessed you liked being thrown around. If I did I could’ve given my boys a chance. Right guys?” he asked his friends

“You know I was already asking for it,” Rafael said.

“I don’t like used-up whores” Kolton responded with bitterness in his voice. His friends laughed at his comment.

“Come on, compared to April? It’ll be an upgrade” Garrett said.

“She’s been used up. I should know. And every other guy here knows it too” Jayden continues.

“Didn’t you say you were fucking Diana because I wasn’t giving it up to you? Retracing your words?” you remind him. Jayden smiles.

“That’s what was my favorite thing about you. You were always so feisty. It’s kinda turning me on now” he said getting closer. 

Your fight or flight kicks in finally, and you try to get his hand on your wrist. “Let go of me” you mumbled to him. His friends around him are saying awful things about it. Calling you a slut, a whore, ugly, dry, used up, fake, annoying. Everything in the books.

“Come on, Y/n. One last time” Jayden said, his lips getting close to yours. But you slap him just before he could. He was holding the side of his face with both of his hands, your wrists finally free.

“Leave me the fuck alone and get the fuck off the island,” You said sternly, you walked away from them and went straight to where the drinks were. 

Their words to you shouldn’t matter, they don’t matter to you. Just some random people you knew for a month at most. Then why are you washing down their insults with drinks? You were taking shots, anyone that handed you a drink, you took, you even made your own. With the alcohol in your system, you forgot everything they said, you forgot everything that happened over the summer. It didn’t matter anymore, you were having fun.

JJ had been watching you from the minute you showed up, from afar obviously. He could tell you were looking for him at some points, but he didn’t have the guts to go up to you. So he just stood watching. 

Usually, JJ would have a drink, but he didn’t have one. You may hate him and he saw that you weren’t drinking but he just wanted to make sure you were okay. He saw the way you spoke to John B, Kie, Pope, he saw the way you danced with Sarah. You looked like you needed this break from the world. He saw you speaking to some old friends and saw you speak with some new ones, but you looked okay.

He saw someone walk up to you, a very drunk girl. He saw you look around but you end up being pulled away. JJ is about to walk up to you but someone else gets his attention.

“JJ!” Sarah calls, sloppily walking over to him, JJ meets her halfway and laughs, his back now facing where you were. 

“Sarah, how much have you had to drink?” JJ asked, still laughing.

“Not enough, but that isn’t why I came over here. I wanted to talk to you about Y/n” she slurred her words, but JJ understood every word. His face became serious when your name was mentioned.

“She told me what happened on the boat. And I just want you to know that I don’t hate you. I really like you.” Sarah says, “but I know you like Y/n”

JJ’s face turned pink, he felt blessed that it was night and Sarah wasn’t able to see that well. “What? Where’d you get that idea” he asked her.

“You’re always asking for her JJ. You’re always looking for her, even before the boat thing. I want you to know I get it, you have abandonment issues. So do I, look at my mom. But I don’t want those issues to define who you are and how you are around people” Sarah’s words are combined, but JJ is listening. “I know you like her. I know you think you shouldn’t be with her. I think the same thing with John B. But you know what I do? I show him more love and affection than he’s ever had before.”

Sarah pauses to catch her breath, drinking what’s in her red solo cup. “And she doesn’t hate you. She never has hated you. I always told John B that you two would look so cute together. And you guys would. But I need you to be better to her, JJ. I need you to forget about your issues for a second and show her who you truly are.” she ranted, “If you want her, you’re gonna have to work harder than before, But it’ll be worth it because she’s worth it. You need to fight for her. She likes you too JJ. That’s why she took your words so seriously. Cause your opinion matters to her more than John B’s or Pope’s or Kie’s. Maybe even mine” Sarah laughed at the last sentence. “So be kind to her, show her how you truly feel about her, and make sure you love her more than she loves you. Because of you don’t, I’ll break your neck” she laughed even louder than before.

JJ was thinking about her words, and even though she was drunk, she wasn’t wrong. JJ has always liked you, he thinks he always will like you. JJ was always a player but when you showed up, he got worse because of it. It came to the point where he imagined you instead of the girl he was actually with. 

John B came over and put his arm around Sarah, “what’s happening over here?” he laughs, sipping his drink now too. John B is now drunk, to be expected.

“I was just telling JJ that he should be with Y/n and that he likes her and that she likes him back” Sarah filled him in, and John B’s mouth opened.

“Dude, I’ve been saying for like ever. It came to the point where I thought you were in love with her” John B laughs, “and she likes you back”

“That’s what I’m saying!” Sarah said loudly, both her and her boyfriend now laughing.

“Then when they start dating we can go on double dates. We’ll be so cute, all of us” Sarah commented. 

“Just go for it. I know she means a lot to you, she always had.” John B said.

“Do I mean a lot to you?” Sarah asked him.

“Of course baby. I love you” John B said.

“I love you too,” Sarah said, their lips then locked on each, making out in front of JJ. 

He internally threw up in his mouth and turned around, but when he looked back he didn’t see you anymore. His eyes scattered everywhere and he couldn’t find you. He saw the new friends you made, he saw the mini bar, he saw some kooks, he saw a guy with his friends holding his face, he saw where you danced earlier.

JJ decided to make himself be seen, he saw Kie who was talking to some girl about ocean stuff. Kie also being drunk.

“Hey, have you seen Y/n?” JJ asked

“No, but she was looking for you earlier. Did you see her earlier she was looking so hot” Kie confessed. 

“Yeah, she was. If you see her, tell me” JJ said moving along to Pope.

“Hey man, I haven’t seen you in a while,” Pope said, clearly sober as day.

“Yeah, just been watching. Have you seen Y/n?”

Pope shook his head, “last time I saw her she was taking shots with some guys. When I went up to her she gave me Sarah’s keys.” he said holding them out.

JJ nodded, he took out the keys to the twinkie, “here, take these. You’ll drive John B and Sarah home tonight. I’ll take Kie and Y/n” 

Pope nodded to the new plan, the two of them traded keys and JJ walked away. He was now looking for you. He started to ask random people if they saw you, everyone saying something different.

Forty-five minutes had passed since he spoke to Pope and he still hasn’t found you. It was 3 AM and the kegger was still alive as ever. JJ was looking for you everywhere and he couldn’t find the girl who last spoke to you. Once JJ walked further down the beach, he then saw a familiar pretty girl in a familiar pretty black dress.

You were wobbling all over the place, talking to some random guy about your problems. Your words were slurring worst than Sarah’s who you saw ten minutes okay. But you then hear a familiar voice.

“Y/n?” he says.

You turn around and there he is. You excuse yourself from the guy, and cling to him “JJ!” you say excitingly.

JJ was so confused, the last time he saw you, you were stone-cold sober. Now he’s seeing you towards the water, wobbling around, talking to the air, and excusing yourself from the same air to hug him tightly. 

“I missed you so much,” you say to him, your head in his chest. You were way too drunk for him to try to stall to wait for Kie. He decided he would take you home right there, Pope could take Kie with him.

“Hey, we’re gonna go home okay?” 

All you do was nod, separate yourself from him, and start walking with him, wobbling next to him. JJ noticed it immediately and held onto you, his hand on your side to pull you close to him, your arm around his shoulders. 

JJ began to look for Pope who he found quickly, he raised his eyebrows and looked at you. Pope got the memo and nodded, now watching Kie. Once JJ knew he walked to Sarah’s car, you were babbling the whole way there. And once you got to the car you were silent, JJ opened the backseat so you could lie down.

He made sure you were comfortable and secure, once he knew you were he went in the driver’s seat. The minute he started driving, you started to speak up again.

“Where are we going?” you ask.

“I’m dropping you off home,” JJ said.

“No no no no no. I don’t want to go home. I want to go to John B’s house. Where you stay”

“Are you sure? I could take you to your hou-”

“No!” you demanded, “Alright, calm down,” JJ said.

“Hey, next one’s on me” 

“Whatever you say, cupcake”

You laughed quietly in the back, then it slowly became louder. “What’s so funny?” he asked.

“So you know about Jayden right? The guy that cheated on me? Well, he was the keeger and his friends were saying so many things to me. Like really mean things, and so was he. But tonight I-” you cut yourself off with your laughter. “I slapped him” you laughed even louder than before.

JJ stood silent, letting you speak longer. “It was so funny, you should’ve seen his face. You should’ve been there,” you said then you were quiet for a while. “Why weren’t you there?” you asked quietly.

JJ looked at you through his top mirror and then looked back at the road. He cleared his throat, “I was there” he responded.

“No, you weren’t. I kept looking for you and looking for you and I couldn’t find you. I thought you were with a girl. Were you?”

“No, I was watching you”

“Like a stalker?”

JJ was silent. Now that you say it like that it sounded creepy. He was just looking out for you but that’s something else a stalker would say. The more he thought about it the more it made him uncomfortable, but you sent him out of his trance with you giggling.

“JJ Maybank is my stalker” you giggled to yourself. JJ stood quiet letting you have your moment.

“Jayden was so boring anyway, I was out of his league anyway.” 

“You sure are” 

“You haven’t even seen him and you’re agreeing. That’s how you know I’m right” JJ laughed at your drunken state. Your words slurring together and the way you’re trying so hard to form a sentence is so cute to him.

“He just wanted to hangout with his boring friends all the time. And I always had to take him because he didn’t know how to drive” you laughed. “Do you know how I found out he cheated on me? We were meant to meet Sarah and then when I got to his house, I found him in bed with his girl space friend. Might as well be his actual girlfriend for how long they were fucking each other, it started before he and I started dating, which wasn’t long but still. And you know what excuse he gave? Because we never had sex, isn’t that childish?” You ranted.

JJ has only ever heard what Sarah has told him, so hearing you say how it went, made JJ upset. More than upset. It felt like when he first heard you got cheated on. He never found out why he cheated on you, but now that he does, he’s angry about it. He cheated on you because he needed to fuck someone and you weren’t willing? He’s a fucking idiot he thought. “You wouldn’t do that, would you JJ?” you ask him.

“No, not to you”

“Not to me or in general?”

“Both,” he said.

You and JJ stood silent. 

“JJ do you hate me?” you ask.

He looks at you through the mirror again, “I could never hate you, Y/n”

“Are you mad at me?

JJ was quiet for a moment, “no. Never.”

You giggled, “you know what I realized, his name is Jayden, and your name is JJ. Isn’t that funny?” you laughed. “What’s even funnier is how you both have the same basic features. His hair is almost blond and he has blue eyes too” 

JJ tilted his head to the side slightly after hearing the news. He thinks he knows who you’re talking about, mainly because he thinks he’s seen him at the wreck with some girl.

“But don’t worry JJ. You’re my favorite blue-eyed person. I can’t say blond because of Sarah. But you’re my favorite guy with blond hair”

JJ smiled, “thanks Y/n. You’re my favorite too” 

He pulls up to the chateau, once he puts the car in park and grabs the keys, he’s already going straight to the back. He scootches you closer to him so he could pick you up instead of making you walk, and he does.

You grab on around JJ’s neck as he carries you bridal style into the chateau and into the room he usually sleeps in. JJ places you on the bed and takes out a pair of sweatpants for you to wear. 

“I know you’re wearing a dress. Put these on, I’ll be right outside the door, and tell me when I could come in” JJ said, leaving you with the sweatpants. When he’s out he hears some groans and mumbles, but nothing too serious. He grabs a bucket and fills it with a little bit of water, a rag, and makeup wipes that Sarah had left, waiting at the door for you.

You open the door to let him back in and when JJ looks at you, you’re not only in his sweatpants but in his shirt, when he wants in he sees the discarded dress on the floor. “This is for you, you could take it off in the bathroom,” JJ said, handing you the makeup wipes.

You look at him in awe. Like he just hung the moon and the stars. And maybe in your drunken state, he did. You take the wipes and went to the bathroom closing the door behind you. JJ places the bucket close to the bed just in case you have an accident in the middle of the night and he isn’t there.

He takes his extra time to change into the same attire as you, a shirt with sweatpants. Usually, he wouldn’t have a shirt but, out of being a gentleman, he will tonight.

You walk out of the bathroom and hand him back the wipes, climbing into bed. JJ puts them away and goes back to you, crouching down so you could be at your level. “I’m gonna sleep on the sofa bed, when Kie gets here she can sleep in here with you. If you need anything just wake me up. I left a bucket f-” JJ was cut off.

But he wasn’t cut off by your words, or by the pogues coming home. He was cut off by a kiss, a kiss you gave him. It was unlike you. JJ was stunned for a moment, but his body moved as in instinct. Your lips were soft and warm. He can taste the alcohol from your lips. If it was any other situation, he would’ve deepened the kiss, grabbing your face. Pulling you closer so your bodies could collide with each other. He would’ve shown you how long he had been waiting and hungry for it but he didn’t think he deserved it. 

But he pulls away from you. When he does, he rests his forehead against yours, and you’re pouting at him. Disappointed in him. “Did I do something wrong?” you ask, sounding like you were about to cry.

“No, baby. No No. I just-” he was thinking of the right words to say. “You’re drunk, Y/n. I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret or forget about in the morning”

“But I won’t regret or forget about it J.” You tell him. 

JJ doesn’t know how to respond to that. The only thing he knows how to do is to kiss your cheek to keep you satisfied, which it does. He stands up straight.

“If I were sober, would you have kissed me back?” you giggled. You knew the answer, you just wanted him to say it. JJ rolled his eyes playfully, walking to the door. “Wait where are you going?” you sat up from the bed. 

“I told you I’ll sleep on the couch” 

“Stay here”

JJ looks between you and the door. “Y/n, I don’t think I-”

“Please.”

You flashed your puppy eyes at him, your first time doing it to him. He never understood how you were able to get whatever with it. But now he does. 

He sighs and slowly walks to the bed, slipping under the covers next to you. He feels the heat you’ve gained from under the blanket, he also feels you relax. Once he’s laying down, you wrap your arms around him, leaving a hand on top of his chest. JJ relaxes and puts an arm around your shoulders, keeping you close. His closes for a second, but once you move your hand on top of his chest slightly, he opens them again.

He notices the black and blue mark around your wrist, “Y/n” he whispers. You hum in response, too tired to answer anything anymore. “Who did that to your wrist?”

Your breathing pauses for a beat or two but continues soon after. “Jayden,” you said quietly. “And why did he do that?” he continues to speak in whispers, but you hum back at him. “You can tell me, baby. Why did he make a bruise on your wrist?” he asked, closing his eyes and leaning his head against yours.

You breathed in and out, “He and his friends were saying things about me. Calling me a slut, commenting on my dress, and who I was with. Telling me how easy I was, just saying mean things to me. When I tried to he wouldn’t let go after I told him to. He just kept talking and I think he was about to kiss me. But once I slapped him he let go though. And I left after that J.” 

“And then you got drunk afterward?”

You hum, JJ is quiet. “Are you mad at me?”

JJ shakes his head lightly, “no. Never.”

 ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *. ☽ .* :☆ﾟ｡･ ───

JJ had woken up twice. 

The first time was very early in the morning, and you were still in each other’s arms. You holding onto him especially tight. He had opened his eyes and once he saw you, he went back to sleep.

And again in the afternoon. The chateau was quiet, he knew everyone was sleeping. He noticed that the warm body that was next to him was no longer next to him. He wouldn’t be lying if he said he wasn’t upset you were no longer next to him. But he reminds himself you couldn’t have gone far, you didn’t have a car and you’re most definitely hungover.

JJ got up from the bed, rubbed his eyes, and made his way out of the familiar room, his dress still on the floor as he passed by it. He walks out of the room quietly and slowly, Pope sleeping in a small chair and Kie sleeping on the couch. He looks out the door and sees a familiar someone, the person he wanted to see when he woke up. 

When he walked out of the house you were sitting on the edge of the dock, the hms pogue boat on your right. You hadn’t noticed a new person was there with you until the wood you were sitting on started to make noise, it didn’t take a genius to know it was him. 

He stood standing as you were still sitting in his sweatpants and shirt. It was silent for a minute, a silence that made you both want to rip off your skin. But you didn’t. Because he broke the silence.

“Hey”

That’s all he said, after everything, last night all he had to say was hey. 

“Hi,” you said quietly.

“How are you holding up?”

“Other than a major migraine and a bucket full of embarrassment. I’m peachy”

JJ smiled a bit, he’s happy you were able to see it though. “Do you remember anything that happened last night? You got drunk pretty quickly”

“Yeah I remember” JJ stood quiet for a minute. He wanted to make you remember everything that happened last night. From when you first started drinking to when you asked him to stay in bed with you. 

“Everything?” He asked quietly.

You knew what he was talking about. The kiss.

You looked back at him and looked up to look at hin the eyes, “everything.”

JJ breathes in and out quietly, you turn back to the water. “Do you remember how excited everyone was to see you?” You smiled at the reminder. The smiles on their faces. You nodded in response. “They really missed you. I’m sure you already know that, they most likely told you. Does this mean you’re staying?”

You sighed. You didn’t know what you were gonna do. You planned on staying last night, but now with this thing with JJ. The boundaries you crossed. You don’t think you’ll ever be his friend after this, you’ll always feel that feeling of something more, little did you know so would he.

“I don’t know” you answered truthfully. 

JJ stood up straighter, he was confused. You were having so much fun last night, it looked so natural to you. The thought of you not coming back and his friends being upset again crushed him.

“What do you mean? I thought you were gonna back up”

“Things have changed JJ, especially now. I don’t think I can put myself through it, not again”

“Y/n, our fighting isn’t going to happen again. They need you around. You don’t understand what it was like when you were gone.”

You scoffed at that. You didn’t understand what you were going through. He doesn’t understand what you went through.

“I went through the same thing as they did, if not worse.”

“You aren’t seriously comparing the two are you?”

You stood up from the edge of the dock, you turned to face him. “I am because you don’t get to tell me what they felt when I had to deal with the guilt of leaving.”

“And you’re willing to feel that guilt again?” You scoffed at his words, beginning to walk past him. “I can’t tell you what to do but I can encourage you to stay. They want you around Y/n, they need you around” he went on to say, you continued to walk away.

“I need you around”

You stopped. You felt so many emotions. There was a part of you that wanted to run back to him and smother him with kisses. The other half of you wanted to yell and scream in his face for how he treated you.

So you listened to that other half.

You turned around quickly and looked like you were on a mission. “That’s real funny of you JJ because three months ago you wanted nothing to do with me. Now you say you need. Do you need me to be around you? If you need someone around you don’t treat them like shit and that’s exactly what you did to me.” 

“Y/n, listen-”

“No, you listen!” you yelled, not caring if the pogues woke up and see you yelling at him. “I was nothing but nice to you and you treated me like I was trash. Like I wasn’t there like I didn’t exist. Like I didn’t matter. But now. Now! I matter. After I kiss you when I’m drunk, I matter!” 

JJ was silent. You had every right to yell at him, he did this. He made you like this. He understands how the switch-up confuses you. He knows he deserves every second of this, this is something he’s willing to take. So he just lets it happen.

“You remember when I asked you why you hated me? Do you? And you always told me that it was because I was a kook. What about now? Does it still matter I’m still a kook? Or does it just go away?! Tell me JJ. Does it just go away?!” you push his chest. 

“I had to leave my friends because of you! I got into a relationship to forget the feeling! To forget the thought that I abandoned them! And you did that! You made me abandon my friends! It’s not fair how you made me leave them and now you’re telling me they want me back. That you need me back!” You look up at him and all you see are his sad blue eyes.

You push his chest again, and again, and again, and again. There were tears quickly coming down your face, and you were yelling at him. Telling him how it wasn’t fair. Telling him he’s a dickhead. Telling him how you hate how he makes you feel. Telling him how you feel right now.

JJ wrapped his arms around you as you tried to keep pushing. Stopping once he was too close so you just sobbed into him, wrapping your arms around him too. JJ kept kissing the top of your head, trying to soothe you and call you down. He just wanted to be with you.

You hated him right now. Sometimes people say things out of anger. Sometimes people say things they don’t mean. But not you. You meant every word. And you wanted to make sure he knew you meant it, and he did know. 

You did feel like it was unfair. You knew he was a dickhead. You felt angry. And you did hate how he makes you feel. You want to fully hate him. But you can’t, even if you try to convince yourself, you can’t. 

Once you calmed down, JJ pulled away slightly, but you held him closer. You didn’t want to let him go you didn’t want to go back to how you were before. You didn’t want to go back to reality. You wanted to stay here, clinging onto him, and not thinking about anything else.

But once JJ tried to slip away again, you knew it wasn’t possible. 

He looked at you, but you weren’t looking back at him, staring at the floor. JJ lifted your chin to look at him. Once you did he wiggled his other hand to wrap it around your hand. He held your hand so gently, but he still had a good grip on you. 

“I’m so sorry for everything. For the way, I treated you over the years, for the words I’ve said to you. I’m sorry for what I said on the boat. I’m sorry for making you leave us. I’m sorry for not being there for you when I should’ve been. I’m sorry for making you feel like you weren’t there like you didn’t exist like you didn’t matter. Because you do matter. You matter to me. You always have” 

There were tears still streaming down your face, but now JJ was matching you. He didn’t realize he was crying until the droplet was hanging from his face. 

“You shouldn’t say things you don’t mean JJ,” you said quietly.

“But I do mean them. I mean all of them.” 

“JJ-” 

He kisses you. His hand is on the side of your side to keep you close. He was gentle with you, but you felt the hunger from his lips. You felt the longing and felt how bad he wanted this, needed this even. It wasn’t sloppy like last night, it wasn’t a chance he took. It was passionate. It was hard. It was perfect.

He was so warm. He smelled like leftover cologne and wood. JJ’s eyes were closed. His nose was brushing against your’s but you didn’t mind it. His lips feel smooth and it was obvious JJ was a good kisser. He wasn’t rough with you, he wanted you to feel it this time. 

For the first second and a half, you stopped breathing. But you eventually kissed him back, closing your eyes with him. Your hands were on his face and his neck and once he felt you kiss back the hand that once held yours was holding your waist, pulling you close. 

His mind fogged up with just you. Only you. Nothing and no one else, just you. All those hookups meant nothing because right now you’re with him. All those years of yearning for you finally came true.

Your mind fogged up with just him. You’ve always liked JJ, maybe you even loved him. But all the memories from before came rushing back. All of them. 

You pulled back, JJ following you. But then he couldn’t follow you anymore. You both were breathing heavily. Again, his forehead leaning against yours. 

“J,” you said, your voice breathy.

JJ doesn’t respond, waiting for you to finish.

“I have to go,” you say.

His heart dropped. He knew what you meant. He knew what you were trying to stay. He doesn’t want you to go, he doesn’t want you to leave him. 

“No… Stay”

“I have to go, J” stepping away from him, looking into his eyes.

“You asked me last night if you were sober and if I would’ve kissed you back. And I would have. I would’ve kissed you at the kegger. I would’ve kissed you on the boat. I would’ve kissed you at the chateau. I would’ve kissed you when I first met you. Please don’t go”

“I can’t J.” your hands leave him.

“Let me take you home at least, please Y/n.” he pleaded with you.

You shook your head at him. “I can’t let you do that J,” you said

“Why not?”

“Cause then I’ll stay here,” you said softly.

JJ just sighed, looking up at the sky for a second, his eyes getting watery again. He then looked at the ground to avoid eye contact with him.

“I’m taking Sarah’s keys. When she wakes up if you could tell her”

JJ never responded, just silently crying, looking at the ground. You walked towards him and grabbed ahold of his wrist and shoulder to keep your balance. JJ saw the bruise around your wrist again. And you kissed his cheek. “I’ll see you around JJ” you whispered.

You then walked back into the chateau, you were crying too now. You just kept wiping your tears when you walked inside the chateau. You grabbed the car keys and quickly walked out, looking at JJ one last time.

He was crouched down, his arms folded and his head on them. He would move slightly. He was sobbing.

You looked away and got into Sarah’s car, starting it and driving away from him. 

Much to JJ’s unlucky life, the pogues had seen and watched the scene. When you walked in Kie and Pope pretended to still be asleep but you didn’t even glance at them. JJ was out on the dock for an hour before he wiped his tears and went back inside the chateau. When he walked in, the pogues all looked at him. 

He didn’t want to deal with them and their questions right now so he just went back to the room you slept in and locked the door behind him. He went into bed, your scent still engraved in the sheets even when you weren’t there for long. When he sat up from the bed, he saw your dress in the corner of the room.

JJ closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall. Wanting nothing more than to just have you with him again.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *. ☽ .* :☆ﾟ｡･ ───

Now and again you would go back to the chateau but only went JJ wasn’t around. Usually, he was working and Sarah would promise you he wouldn’t be there for a while. You would go in your car and just hang out with them like you used to. You even had a chance to surf with them. 

But when he came back, before he could even see you, you would quickly say your goodbyes and leave in your car. That’s the only reason why you would bring your car, it was so you could make a quick exit. 

Fortunately for you, the pogues never pestered you with questions. They never asked why you were avoiding JJ. It seemed like they were just happy to have you around. But you felt the absence when you were there. There was a missing piece.

Unfortunately for JJ, they always asked him questions. Every time they saw him they asked him why you were avoiding him. He would simply say, “you guys saw what happened. I don’t know” and then go to the room he stood in.

They wanted you both back together but the boat idea was out of the question, and that ruined everything for everyone. So they didn’t know what they were going to do now.

Today JJ was with the pogues at the wreck, helping Kie do her job. John B’s keys with her mom and Sarah’s phone with her dad so they couldn’t get distracted. But now they were just taking a break, all of them outside of the wreck. Talking about nonsense.

A car full of people pulled up to the parking lot. They were extremely loud, the pogues glancing at them a few times but continuing their conversation. Three girls and three girls get out of the car.

“They look familiar” Sarah mumbled, the pogues then looking at them as they walked to the entrance.

A guy got out of the passenger seat, “make sure it comes quick!” he said, leaning against the car. 

“Oh my god,” Sarah said, “What?” Pope asked confused.

The guy’s friends laughed and walked into the wreck, the guy now scrolling on his phone.

“That’s Jayden,” Sarah said. JJ looked at the guy, with light brown hair, and blue eyes. It was him.

“Whose Jayden?” John B asked, getting overprotective. 

“Y/n’s ex. The guy that cheated on her over the summer. She showed me pictures of him and his friends one time.” 

“Is he? JJ and I have seen him with some girl, it was the girl with the dark hair” Kie said.

“That’s Diana! Oh my god, don’t look at him. I don’t know if Y/n showed me what I look like. Act like we’re having a conversation” Sarah said, looking away, Jayden not even noticing the pogues.

“We were having a conversation,” Pope said plainly.

“You know what I mean!” Sarah whisper yelled. 

The conversation they were just having again picked up, but JJ didn’t engage in it this time. He just kept staring at him. He never left his sight. The bruise on your wrist flashed in his eyes. The memories of what you said he and his friends were saying to you popped up in his mind. JJ just saw red. 

He stood up, the pogues not noticing at first. 

“You’re Jayden, right?” JJ asked, walking to him.

Jayden looked up and looked JJ up and down. He looked confused. The pogues looked up once they heard JJ’s voice.

“Yeah, why?” Jayden responded.

Not even a second later JJ punched him in the face, Jayden getting low to the ground.

“JJ!” Kie yelled, the rest of the pogues getting up to stop him.

But JJ never stopped, he just kept punching him, and punching him, and punching him. He couldn’t stop. He just kept thinking of the bruise, and your face when you told when what they said. He kept thinking of you.

Eventually, the pogues finally pulled JJ off, “What the fuck man?” Jayden yelled, blood leaking out of his nose.

“Why don’t you give me a bruise huh?! Give me one!” JJ yelled out. 

John B and Pope were trying to calm JJ down, holding him back away from Jayden. The both of them yelled at each other, Sarah trying to calm down Jayden from the other side of the parking lot.

Because of the amount of noise outside, people started to notice, includg Jayden’s friends who walked out.

“Diana, call the cops,” one of them said, the dark-haired girl nodding.

“No, don’t call the cops!” Kie said, the girl just looking at Kie like she was crazy.

“You think you can just cheat on her and not face the consequences?!” JJ yelled

“Holy shit, you’re with Y/n?” Jayden laughed. 

“That slut?” one of the girls laughed.

“What did you just say?” Sarah asked, walking to the girl that said it. 

“Sarah, don’t.” John B warned.

“I should’ve known she had a thing for dirt. I’m not surprised, she’s dirty herself” Jayden continued to laugh. 

“Say that again!” JJ yelled. 

JJ was itching to go back at him again, and he knew that if he kept talking about you. It wouldn’t end well.

“I called her slut, is there a problem?” the girl said.

“Yeah, it is a fucking problem. That’s my fucking best friend” Sarah got in the girl’s personal space. 

There was so much yelling going on, the boys were yelling at each other, Sarah and this random girl were coming up, and Diana was on the phone as Kie was arguing with another girl who wanted Diana to call the police.

“She’s all used up now and you still want that bitch? I could only imagine how slutty she is now” Jayden said.

That was JJ’s limit. 

JJ pushed John B and Pope off of him and went straight to Jayden, yet again punching him.

Jayden’s friends ran towards JJ and John B and Pope went to get them off of JJ. The boys have their brawl of three going against four.

Sarah took this as an opportunity to hit the girl in the face. Another girl came up from behind her but Kie went after her, that being the only fair fight of two going against two. Diana was already on the phone with the police. 

Multiple people from the restaurant ran outside to record the brawls instead of trying to stop them. The pogues seemed to be winning, JJ even holding his own when Jayden and one of his friends tried going after him together.

Not long after, the cops had shown up, separating everyone from everyone. Now it was a yelling match between the pogues and some random people on the island. The randoms had visibly more injuries than the pogues did. The only injured ones were Sarah and Kie who only had a scratch. The randoms had blood coming out of their noses, their cheeks were cut, and their lips were cut. And JJ knew he broke Jayden’s nose. They looked like they went through a brawl. While the pogues looked like they got a little dirty.

“Talk shit about my girl again and see what happens!” JJ yelled

“How you tried to fight her when she was already beating your friend’s ass?!” Kie yelled at the girl

“What did you think was gonna happen when you put your hands on him?!” John B yelled.

“Get the fuck off the island!” Sarah yelled.

“Don’t say shit you don’t mean” Pope yelled.

“Your girl? Or the island’s?!” Jayden yelled.

“You should’ve told your friend to back off man!” one of the guys yelled.

“She beat my ass?! Please” A girl yelled.

Everyone was being held back, the officer who had JJ having to work harder than the rest of them. JJ just kept pulling and pulling. He was ready to pounce on his prey and beat him again. Eventually, everyone was in handcuffs. The random guys with each other in one car, the two random girls in another with another random boy. Pope, JJ, and John B in one car, Sarah and Kie in another.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *. ☽ .* :☆ﾟ｡･ ───

You were watching tv as you were eating your cereal. Sarah or Kie texted you that they be free and JJ was with them so you decided to keep yourself busy. You had just cleaned your room and bathroom, so you just needed a little break before you could do anything else.

Your phone started to ring next to you, and when you looked at the screen it was a random number. You usually don’t answer random numbers you don’t know, but something in you told you to answer this one, so you did.

“Hello?”

“Y/n! Thank god you answered. I need a small favor from you.”

“Sarah? What’s going on? Is everything alright?” 

“No actually. Uhm.” Sarah stopped for a second, she sounded like she was speaking to multiple people but went back to you. “We got arrested” 

You almost dropped your cereal, pausing your movie. You got up from the couch and walked to your kitchen. “We? Whose we? Who got arrested? How did you get arrested? Why did you get arr-” 

“John B, Pope, Kie, JJ. We were at the wreck and- I’ll tell you everything. But we just need you to bail us out. Please. I didn’t want to call my dad and he-” 

“Of course, I’m on my way,” you say, putting a hoodie over your shirt but keeping your shorts on.

“You’re a lifesaver, I owe you one,” Sarah said, the stress coming off of her shoulders.

“Don’t even worry about it. I’ll be there as quick as I can, alright?” You say putting on your shoes.

“We’ll be waiting,” Sarah said before hanging up.

You drove as quickly as you could to the Wreck. Grabbing something in your car before, getting out, and seeing Kie’s mom immediately. “Hi, uhm. I don’t know if you heard about Kie yet or not. But if you did don’t worry about it, I’m getting everything solved right now. But did they leave anything behind?” you ask her.

Kie’s mom nodded and made you follow her to the back, “This is Sarah’s phone and John B’s keys. I don’t how you get it done, just get them home. Safely” she responded, you nodded and quickly walked out.

You got in the twinkie instead, you knew you wouldn’t be able to fit all of the pogues in your car. You drove to the Sheriff’s department quickly, once you parked, and quickly walked in and went straight to Shoupe’s office.

The receptionist tried calling you to stop you but you didn’t care, when you walked into his office and the receptionist tried to stop you, Sheriff Shoupe stopped her.

“That’s alright, She can stay,” he said, putting his hand up to defend you. She huffed and walked back to where she usually sat. “What can I do for you today, pum-”

“I know you have my friends. I want them back” You say in a stern voice.

Shoupe sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“You want your friends back” he repeats, more so for himself than for you. “Do you even know what they did? They got into a brawl with people from the mainland. This isn’t some stupid prank, JJ broke a boy’s nose”

You closed your eyes and breathed in and out. You knew the people from the mainland were Jayden and his friends. And you knew the boy JJ broke his nose was Jayden.

“And where are the people from the mainland now? Running free while my friends are-”

“They’re here with them if you would like to see them,” he said.

You ran a hand through your hair, you didn’t want to see them. Shoupe knew you were starting to get stressed.

“Y/n, does your mom know you’re here right now?”

You laughed at that, he was trying to scare you with your mom. She would be upset you were there, and she would be even more upset that you went to bail your friends out. But you didn’t care about that, not right now anyway. 

“Can’t I just bail my friends out? Don’t make this more difficult than it has to be”

“There’s a lot of paperwork that involves an adult. I’m sure you know that by now with JJ. I don’t think you would want to deal with that again. So Miss Y/l/n. You may leave my office right now” Shoupe said going back to his computer. 

You threw an orange envelope on his desk. Shoupe stopped what he was doing and looked at it. “What is this?” he asked

“Ten thousand dollars. Three thousand three hundred for my friends. Four thousand seventy for the mainlands. The rest of the two thousand, seven hundred, and forty dollars goes to you and the money you can use to make sure this incident isn’t on their records. On my friend’s records.”

“Are you bribing me, Miss Y/l/n?”

“I’m helping my friends. Ten thousand is my only and final number” You warned him. 

Shoupe was in thought, he was thinking about the choices he had here. He then spoke into one of those police speakers, “let the kids out. All of them” he said, you smiled and walked out of his office. 

None of the pogues went through the system and all of this was being kept off of their record, they were safe another day. Sarah was the first to walk out, running and hugging you when she saw you.

“You’re the best” she whispered in your ear. 

“Yeah I know” you laughed. 

Kie walked out after, also hugging you. “Oh my god, I love you and your money,” she said, you laugh at her, “I love you too I guess’ you say with a smile on your face.

The three of you walk outside, Sarah explaining what happened, Kie adding to her story. The three of you leaned against the twinkie so the rest of the pogues could see you guys. And they did, all three of them coming out at the same time.

“I knew you would come in handy,” John B said, 

“Yeah yeah, get in the passenger. I’m driving” you respond.

John B nods and the rest of the pogues get in the back, talking over each other trying to tell you the story. Everyone except JJ was quiet. Too quiet. He would glance at you but nothing more.

You were about to walk into the driver’s side but saw Jayden and his friends walking out. “Stay here” you mumbled. 

Everyone but JJ was calling you back as you started to walk to Jayden. Once you were finally in his view he scoffed.

“You got your friends to gang up on us?” Alana asked.

“No, I didn’t. But from what heard, it was a fair fight. If anything you guys had the upper hand, there was more of you” you respond.

“It doesn’t matter, what does matter is the lawsuit they’re gonna be bombarded with,” Jayden said, warning you.

“That’s what I came here for. You won’t be pressing charges” 

“And why’s that?” Jayden asked, amused.

“Who do you think paid for your bond? I do something for you, you do something for me, and don’t press charges” You explain.

The rest of his friends stood quiet. “Your boyfriend broke my nose” Jayden argued with you.

“And you deserved it, if not more.” You got close in his personal space, “you aren’t going to press charges. None of you are. But if one day I find out you are. You’re gonna fucking wish you never saw me at the Wreck the first time” you say, walking from them and back to the twinkie.

You got in and started to drive to the chateau, the drive there is silent. Too silent. You don’t know how you’ll get your car back from the wreck but, you’ll get it eventually. When you arrive at the chateau and when John B opens the back door, JJ is the first to run out, saying he needs a shower.

 The rest of the pogues followed him inside, Pope sitting on the couch, Sarah and John B whispering things to each other, and Kie pacing back and forth. You were still here though, but your mind was just on him. Why did he fight Jayden? Why did he start it?

You needed to clear your mind, you knew the ten thousand dollars in your car would come in handy, but you didn’t expect to finish it in one go. Now you’ll just keep a small amount. “I’m going to the beach,” you say before leaving the chateau. 

The beach wasn’t far from John B’s house, so you just walked there. So when you did get there, you saw down and looked at the water.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *. ☽ .* :☆ﾟ｡･ ───

JJ got out of the shower and he needed to talk to you. But when he walked out he didn’t see you. At all. He only saw Pope, Kie was on the phone with her parents, and John B and Sarah were on the hammock. 

“Where’s Y/n?” JJ asked. 

“She said she was going to the beach. I’m guessing she isn’t lying ‘cause she didn’t take the twinkie” Pope said. 

You were at the beach. JJ thought for a moment he shouldn’t go there. He thought you needed your space, your peace. But that went out the window when he thought about it longer. He threw the towel into the room he stays in and walked to the beach. 

He got there quicker than you did because he was running. But he saw your silhouette, he breathed in and out and sat next to you. Looking at the water with you.

“Beautiful isn’t it?” you ask.

JJ just nods. The silence killing the both of you inside.

“JJ”

He hums.

“Why’d you break Jayden’s nose?” you ask, looking at him. JJ hung his head low after that sentence. There were so many things he wanted to say. But he couldn’t.

“Sarah said he was Jayden, and I thought about your bruise. And remember the words he told you. I just had a switch inside me. And once I hit him, I knew there was no going back.”

You sigh, “I don’t need you to fight my battles for me JJ. I can handle them by myself”

“I know that. I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry.” He apologizes, finally looking you in the eyes. 

The two of you were quiet, just looking at each other. He never explained why he was so rough to you. He needs you to know why.

“Y/n”

You hum.

“The reason why I treated you like shit was that I liked you. A lot. Too much even” JJ confesses. Of course, it was for a stupid reason, you thought.

“I don’t want this to sound like, ‘when a boy is mean to you, it’s because they like it’ but-” He pauses. “You know my mom walked out on me pretty young. You know I’ve known Big John and John B for like, ever. So when Big John disappeared, I felt like he walked out on him.”

You don’t say a word, letting him have his moment.

“And I had these girlfriends that either cheated on me or randomly left. So I started to just, hook up with people. I was okay with them being meaningless. And then you came along and- you changed everything for me. You weren’t like the rest of the kooks. You were nice and sweet. You were smart and beautiful. You have a future. And you still have those things in you but. I didn’t. I don’t even think I still do.” 

A tear comes down his face and when you go to wipe it away, he stops you, nodding slowly. 

“I knew I liked you, John B knew, Pope knew, Kie knew. Maybe even Sarah knew. But I also knew that you were too good for me. That I didn’t deserve you. So when you first started being nice to me, I thought if I would push you away hard enough, you would realize how bad I am. It didn’t work in the first year. But then I saw this switch in you, and I knew it did from that moment.”

He breathes in and out.

“I know I pushed you too far. I’m truly sorry for what I did to you. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for it. And I’m not excusing my behavior. I just wanted you to have the information before I go further with this”

He pauses for a moment, thinking of what he should say next. One thing about JJ is that he gets into his head too much, and this was one of those moments.

“Just say what you feel, J” you reassure him. JJ looks at you and nods.

“I really like you, Y/n. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. You make me nervous and you make me want to just, keep you safe from the world when i know you can take care of yourself. You make me feel like I have a future in store. Maybe this is love, I don’t know. But if this is love, I don’t want to feel this way with anyone else but you” he confessed. 

You look at him, his eyes so soft.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. But I am willing to try this if you are too. I want to be around you all the time. I want to hug you and kiss you every time I see you. I to be able to call you to mind. I want to show you off to the world. I want you, Y/n.” 

The silence is back again, and it bothers JJ more than anything. He can’t read your mind. With the way you’re looking at him, this could mean you’ll give him a chance, or that you’ll reject him.

You nod at him, “I want you too, JJ.” you whisper.

JJ’s eyes changed, from being so fearful to being hopeful.

“You want me too?” he asks

You nod, a smile on your face. 

“You want me too?” JJ repeats, a wide and goody smile on his lips.

You laugh at him, “yeah” 

JJ laughs a bit and grabs your face and pulls you in for a kiss. For a hard, hungry, meaningful kiss. He smiles into it and you smile back.

When his lips leave yours, he starts to smother you with kisses all over your face, causing you to giggle and laugh loudly.

“I can’t wait to show everyone that you’re mine and mine only,” JJ says more to himself. You giggle at him, “hold your horses. I want a date first” you say

“A date?” 

You nod, “okay, where?” he asks, his arm wrapping around your shoulders. 

“Anywhere, you could take me to McDonald’s. I just want that me and you, where one doesn’t end up leaving the other. And we don’t argue”

JJ laughs and nods his head. “Deal”

You smile at him, he’s listening to you with no further statements or anything to come back with. You give him a peck on the lips and then lean your head on his shoulder. Watching the waves with him as he leans his head against yours. “I could get used to this” he whispers, kissing the top of your head before leaning again.

You smiled, not saying another word to him. This was the silence you loved, the comfortable silence. Now, this was something you could get used to.

again I'm sorry this is so late and so long :(

[ashdreams2023]

Hiya would you be able to write a one shot Loki x reader with chronic pain (POTS and EDS specifically) for me I struggle with knee pain, cramping, and my hands have become very weak over the years xx and I struggle with fainting, dizziness and migraines (I know this is a lot) ….and if it could be fluffy and spicy that’d be amazing xx

Of course sweetheart!

Summary: loki takes care of you on a rough day (slightly heated at the end)

Silly questions

You sighed in relief, finally being able to sit after that conference, plus it was cold as hell, your joints are killing you.

Everyone had left after the conference to finish personal errands before night time, leaving you alone in the compound.

"How are you feeling?"

Oh and Loki of course.

"I’m alright" you smiled "cuddle with me?"

"Food first, you haven’t eaten yet"

You pouted but got up and followed him to the kitchen, there was already some leftovers from breakfast and you didn’t feel picky that day so you just hoped the pancakes were not soggy yet.

The two of you sat down on opposite sides of the dining table and helped yourself "I need Bruce type of patience to survive these conferences" you mumble.

"Believe me even banner can’t stand them….can do that yourself?" He gestured to your hands, they were shaking slightly while holding your knife and fork.

"Oh yes, it’s nothing major, I can manage" And as on cue your winced in pain when you lifted your hand, this wasn’t the worst you’ve experienced but that didn’t make any less painful.

"Ok that’s it, drop the utensils" he stop up and walked across the table and sat beside you.

You tried to protest but ended up hurting yourself more by the sudden movements….maybe he was right. Your arms warped around your middle as you tried to catch your breath and not pass out.

Loki put his hand on your back, he muttered a few words you couldn’t understand, it was probably yet another dead language.

But to your surprise the more his hand stayed there, warmth spread through your body, it defeated the cold you had been feeling all morning.

"Here let me" He picked up your spoon and held it to you mouth "Now eat or do I have to do it baby bird style?" You rolled your eyes through the pain but accepted his help.

Most days than not you’ll feel embarrassed if this had happened in front of people, you didn’t like people to treat you like you’re made of glass, even if it was in a way partly true.

"I’m putting heating charm on your bed and you will take the medicine the doctor has prescribed for you"

"….but I hate taking it, it’s-"

"It’s either you take them willingly or I will magic them up in your stomach, your choice" Your cheeks burned with embarrassment, you hated take medicine but you hated the after feeling of that specific spell.

"Fine…." He fed you until you couldn’t eat anymore then took the plates.

You pushed yourself up and got off the chair but unfortunately a case of dizziness attacked you immediately and before you knew there was only the sound of your body hitting the ground and Loki’s quick feet running towards you.

It was a bit blurry but you could make out Loki splashing water at your face and carrying you to the bedroom where he eventually laid you on your bed and as promised he puts a charm on your bed "will you stay with me?" You asked.

He puts his hand on your head and plants a kiss on each of your cheeks "Don’t ask silly questions" his tone sounded concerned.

Your heart fluttered and the pain was not there for a minute, he laid with you in bed, his body felt unusually warm, he always did this, made himself uncomfortable for your sake, went up and beyond his nature for you to feel alright.

"Are you ok? This isn’t hurting you?" You asked.

He sighed and warped his arms tighter around you "I told you to stop asking silly questions, I’m fine as long as you are"

You wanted to cry, you knew he was also hurting by making his body this warm but Loki was stubborn and no matter how much you begged him to stop he wouldn’t budge.

"Loki" you whined gripping onto his top.

He chuckles lightly and starts kissing your face all over, his hand rubs your sighs, tugging teasingly on the hem of your sweatpants then sliding his hand underneath and grabbing your bottom.

You can feel him hard against your body, it made your face burn.

"Look at you all warmed up, so beautifully desperate"

"Shut up" you hid your face away.

He covered your head with his arm and brought it to his chest, you could his heart, it was racing, the heat wasn’t good for his heart.

"But seeing you hurting is worse so stop thinking out loud and let me heal you"

You bit down on your lip and held onto him, there was yet a silly question in your mind but you had to remember that Loki didn’t like silly questions for the answer is always right there.

[chaotic-world-of-the-j]

˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚Left me broken...

Genre : Buckets of angst with a pinch of fluff

Pairing : Stray Kids x reader

Warnings : Heavy angst. Insecurities. Boys are a bit mean. Mature language, Hyunjin gets slapped.

Hyung Line | Maknae line

༊*·˚BaNG CHaN

It all started with a single innocent statement that you blurted out when you were having dinner after 4 months of not meeting each other, it was about him not having enough time for you. It was not meant to hurt him. It was not meant to make him feel like shit. But it did. He snapped, slamming his hands on the glass dinner table. "You knew what you were in for when you started dating me. I am trying so hard to make time for you, and here you are complaining. You never understand! Not even TRY to understand, what can you do other than just fucking complain for fucks sake!" The fork fell from your Hands, shocked at his sudden outburst. The tears streamed down. But he didn't acknowledge them. He stood up from his chair, washed his hands, and rushed out of the house.

Leaving his food untouched. Leaving you broken. Leaving the tears that were streaming down your face astray instead of hugging you and kissing them away.

༊*·˚Lee KNoW

You knew how much he loved you. Despite that, you often had second doubts, doubts about if you mistook his pity for Love. Perhaps he just wanted to experience dating a fan or something else. You kept thinking these irrational and illogical theories that fed your insecurities. You were a bold one, not afraid to speak up and punch someone if you were treated badly but that did not put an end to your endless self hating thoughts whenever you looked at the mirror. When you started dating him, you knew some people might hate it. You did care but for the sake of him you pretended not to. But when you asked a question on a fateful night to your supposedly loving, caring and supportive boyfriend the last thing you wanted him was to get mad. The question was sad but simple. "You still love me right?" He was staring at the ceiling overwhelmed with thoughts when you asked this question. He jumped up. Startling you. "Goodnss fucking sake y/n! If you think I don't love you then fucking think that! I can't give you validation anymore. Especially when I myself am suffering because of you." He said the last part in a whisper before grabbing his car keys then leaving the house slamming the door behind. You choked back a sob, brain not processing what just happned.

Holding his hoodie close and inhaling his scent, well, all that was left behind.

༊*·˚CHaNGBiN

"You know I hate him! Why do you keep talking to him? Oh I know, because I told you not to. Isn't it?" He barked. "No! That's not it, Binnie, please listen. Calm down. I just wanted to buy flowers then he suddenly appeared and tried to force himself on me. I did not say anything." "You know what, I don't trust you. Not anymore." Saying that he got up from the couch and trailed towards your shared room. You exhaled heavily. Finally feeling the tears on your face as you texted your mother to let her know that you'll be visiting her. Then, collapsed on the ground, finally letting the sobs rack your body.

You wanted him to come and hug you and say 'I love you' but you weren't sure if he ever was going to say that again after today.

༊*·˚HYuNJiN

5 dates. Today marks the 5th date he missed because of her. Because of Sua, his friend of a year. It's not like he had no friends. You still didn't understand why he was her friend. You sighed, not even bothering to call him. Since you know he's going to say she probably has her 69th breakup of the year, and if you try to argue he will try to defend himself and you'll melt with a single 'I love you' as what happened in the previous 4 dates. The cold darkness of your shared apartment greeted you. You wanted to call your best friend Lia, but weren't sure if she'd appreciate it. Sitting down in the corner in your bedroom in fetal position and cried. Don't know for how long but just cried. Soon you heard the door open, "Baby!" A familiar voice called out. Ah, you forgot to lock the door. He soon entered the bedroom and gasped in shock to see your state. "What happened baby?" Concern filling his eyes. You wanted to render it all fake but you couldn't. "You missed out on another date" your muffled voice alerted him. "I'm so so sorry baby, I forgot again. It just that Su-" "Sua had another breakup didn't she? Of coarse her breakups are specifically on the days of our dates. It's not like she doesn't have anymore friends. If you want to comfort her so badly why don't you go and date her! Im pretty sure she needs you again, im pretty sure she just went through another breakup by the time you reached here!" You snapped. "What was I supposed to do huh? Would you abandon Lia for the sake of a single date?!" ""Single? It was not a single date Hyunjin, it was 5 fucking dates! I would never Abandon Lia but that's not the problem, the problem is that nowadays you spent all of your time with her! Feels like she's your girlfriend and I'm your best friend!" "She obviously needed me! Would Lia not come if you asked her to?" "Stop bringing her into this argument!" "I wil, only when you stop acting so...Selfish. no, you are already selfish!" A slap echoed throughout the room. Tears sprung free. "Selfish for what? Wanting to Spend time with my boyfriend?" You asked him. As you got your coat and unlocked the door. "I'll be at Lia's" You ignored his calls and left. Screaming after going some distance earning weird looks from people.

You just wished you could rewind time.

Chaotic-world-of-the-j -

© All rights reserved - 2023

⚠️Plagiarism is a crime.

If you want to be tagged please DM me.

Constructive Criticism is allowed however please Refrain from being Rude. I'm a human too [that rhymed lol]

Acts like commenting, liking and reblogging will be appreciated. ⚠️

[dilfsalltheway]

Daryl dixon fanfic- Temporary

Description- Aria delacruise is left alone in atlanta after loosing her sister. riddled with grief and guilt she is forced to survive day by day after a promise she made to her little sister Gracie before she died. one day she sees a big group enter the abandoned clothes shops opposite where she was holding up she stays hidden having seen what people are like now that the word has gone to shit. a few hours later she hears screaming for help the group had gone all but the man they left handcuffed to the roof. will she help him get back to his group or will she let him fend for himself.

It's going to be a slow burn type of fanfic

TW-mention of abuse

************************************

I was walking down the car park my arms full of shopping that would last us the month. i was wearing black jean shorts and a green tank top, i very rarely wore my hair down so it sat on top of my head in a high pony tail. Everyone was acting strange but i continued to my car at my normal pace i wasn't rushing around if i didn't need to. i eventually made it to my car and put all my shopping in the back seat. pulling my phone out of my back pocket i swipe away all the emergency news alerts that stated people people in Atalanta town square were going insane and attacking each other ending up seriously injured, some even went as far as to say they were the dead coming back and eating people. i sigh out of annoyance,. why did people have to be dramatic people fraught all the time it was normal. Looking at the time i realize i took too long shopping i had to pick my little sister, Gracie, up from school in half an hour and if i was late my dad would loose his shit. i get in my car and speed to her school not caring about speeding tickets i just wanted to avoid another argument with my father. As i drove my inner voice told me to avoid alanta square even though i didnt believe it i didnt want to chance it.

When i got to Gracies school i spot her waiting and wave her over saying "Gracie over here" she walked over with a small smile on her face. when she got in the car and we started driving her smile dropped and she timidly spoke "has dad been drinking... i dont like when he drinks he always mean to and shouts". her timid voice made my heart shudder in my chest i hated seeing her upset she was only 13 she shouldn't have to worry weather our father is going to be drunk again, i take a deep breath my eyes darting in her direction for a split second before focusing back on the road as i say "im not too sure gray, but if he has been you just go straight to your room and close the door i wont let him come up to you and if u hear shouting you put your headphones on" she looked at me worriedly as she knows that when he shouts most times out of ten he follows it up by hitting me and then storming off to the bar. i get lost in my thoughts, It didnt used to be like this we were once a happy family me, mum, dad and Gracie, but not long after gracie was born mum and dad got into a massive fight and mum left in a fit of rage as she was fed up with my dads constant drinking. she didnt come back that night, she had wrapped her car around a lamp post and died on impact. i pulled myself out of my thoughts as we i notice us pilling onto the street. i notice Gracie looking down the street towards the house and i knew when her eyes widened that she had found what she had hoped wouldnt be there; my dads banged up orange pick up truck... he was home and by the looks of he was drunk as he had left the car door open.

we entered the house, Gracie going straight to her room like i told her, i walked into the living room where my dad was slumped in his armchair with a beer in his hand and empty cans scattered around the floor at his feet. i had spent all day cleaning the house and now he had messed it up. "put your shitty cans in the bin when your finished dad does the floor look like a bin" i sneer. my dads face contorts with rage and he lunges up stumbling drunkenly towards me shouting "WHO THE F-FUCK ARE YOU SPEAKING TO" my anger boils and i snap "im talking to you dad your supposed to be the fucking adult not me i do my fair share cleaning YOUR house and i dont complain the least you can do is put your shit in the bin" before i could even comprehend what is happening i feel my dads fist connect with my face sending me to the floor as he shouted "YOU FUCKING L-LITTLE S-SHIT ILL KNOCK YOU INTO FUCKING NEXT YEAR! TALK TO M-ME LIKE THAT A- AGAIN I DARE Y-YOU" I stay silent on the floor like i do most times after he hits me. i grip my cheek in my hand feeling it throb under my touch, tears sting my eyes as watch my dad scoff and storm out of the house slamming the door behind him.

[wilt3d-r0zes]

Stranger Things In Your Eyes AU

AKA Steve, Robin, and Eddie have been able to see through each others eyes, hear through each others ears, etc etc for most of their lives but don't meet until the events of the show

- Robin, up until about 8th grade, thinks she just as a really overactive imagination because that's what everybody has told her -Eventually she realizes she must be hallucinating, but refuses to tell anybody because she doesn't want to be taken away - Eddie tends to just ignore it. Like, yeah, it felt like he just got slapped in the face, but it's gone now so? uh? - He ignores 90% of it. Every once in a while he'll get a vision that's so confusing he just blue screens and it freaks out the people around him - Steve also brushes things off, but hardly acknowledges them in the first place. He's, respectfully, an idiot, who assumes everyone has this happen and it's just not talked about, so he ignores it like he thinks everyone else is doing - Steve was in the lab as a kid, but Brenner decided he must've been wrong about him having powers, or he didn't take to the serum that was supposed to give him powers, and sold him off to the Harringtons - He gets checked up on every three months by the lab, and they pretend to be a picture perfect family with clutter and lives and love - Steve doesn't remember the lab. He vaguely remembers being in a home with lots of other kids with shaved heads, but not that it was a lab, he thinks it was a foster home - He, Eddie, and Robin were all born with their connection, but it didn't really start manifesting until early middle school - Come the events of season one, Robin and Eddie finally meet and start talking when they realize they're both reacting to The Horrors that're going on with Steve - Neither of them can figure out who the third guy is, even though they both swear they've heard his name before but can't remember what it is. It frustrates them to no end. - In between season one and two Robin and Eddie figure out how to keep the link solid enough to talk to each other, and Steve eventually gets so fed up listening to his hallucinations be total nerds he yells at them to shut the hell up - Robin and Eddie are overjoyed, and bombard him with enough questions to figure out where he lives, and promptly Pull Up to his house - Steve is so confused - Come season two Eddie and Robin are trying to figure out how they can help because clearly something is happening but they don't know what because Steve wouldn't tell them what happened before and they cna't even find him - They sit at Steve's house for a full day waiting for him to come home and then bombard him. Eddie's pissed that Steve let himself be in that much pain without telling them how they can help - Steve didn't want them to get hurt, but he's also not as close with them as they are with each other - Robin's worried but also mad - Eddie is FRANTIC trying to find Robin and Steve come season three - Steve is in a bunch of pain, but refusing to talk. And Robin whispers something like I don't know to Eddie and then goes radio silent when he's trying to figure out where they are and what's going on - He has to cut off the link when they get injected with the truth serum or it'll screw him up, which makes him so nervous. he hates it. he goes to the mall to try and find them when he finally remembered they were working today - He gets there as everyone is escaping the burning building - Robin and Eddie practically move in with Steve. Robin's parents have never really cared what direction she decides to float towards in life, and Wayne comes over a good amount to take advantage of the Harrington House - They blur the lines of platonic and romantic, but at the same time are not at ALL interested in each other romantically. Eddie and Robin are both super gay, and Steve's bi but neither of them are his type. - But the three of them give each other kisses on the cheek and the forehead, and jokingly call each other boyfriend/girlfriend, and they flirt relentlessly with each other in three very different ways

[masschase]

Some of my Boss's looks throughout the years and some stuff about the games/eras they represent.

This is really some stuff I wanted to put in a post with her outfits over the years but that has yet to get made, so... LR-TB:

1. Year: 2006, Age: 15, almost 16. Pseudonym: Didn't think of that yet! Just Casey Clark.

Baby Casey! Near the start of Saints Row.  Wannabe goth with no fucking money. Likes trading cards. Hates everything. Barely talks. Those gold studs were one of the first things she bought when she got a little cash because she wanted something gold like the other Saints. She struggled to fit her sister's hand-me-downs once she hit 5'9", so she started getting hand-me-downs from her friend Mori who was the same age as her but also tall which is why she only has 'boys' clothes. She does get herself a new look once she takes over the Saints.

2. Year: 2009, Age: 19. Pseudonym: Patient 309; Leader of the Saints, Highly Dangerous.

Well yep obviously she's in the coma, still breathing through a tube, still undergoing surgery for internal and external injuries. Plastic surgery is reasonably in line with what you see in the game; ridiculously good. Once all her treatment is finished she doesn't have a great deal of visible scarring, the odd bit on her stomach and arms. Overgrown hair. Overgrown eyebrows.

3. Year: 2011, Age: 21, Pseudonym: Emma to start with, but eventually everyone just starts calling her Boss.

Saints Row 2. Out of the coma! One of the first things she does after she and Johnny get to the hideout is dye her hair purple (that's why it's a bit shit lol). Has decent money for clothes but still dresses like she's in 2006. ANGERY would be an understatement. Finally old enough to drink legally. Needs to drink and smoke to deal with life in general. Gets to play with makeup a little.

4. Year: 2014, Age: 23/24, Pseudonym: Just Boss. Blake Olivia Saint on the credit cards bc she's cheesy.

Saints Row The Third. Suspects she's being watched. Is correct. Likes the money and power of the Saints being a recognised brand, already fed up of the fame. Made Pierce the face of the Saints pretty quickly after almost punching someone on her first Saint's flow shoot. The hoodie is Saints branded. The sunglasses are Saints branded. The earrings are diamonds now tyvm. Finally getting therapy. Less violent, just as traumatised.

5. Year: 2016, Age: 25/26, Pseudonym: Erica V. Saint.

During the SRIV 5 year gap; 1 year after disabling the nuke. You know what's way worse than feeling watched? Feeling controlled. When she fell through the White House roof a year ago it all seemed like a fun idea, running for President. Now she has to actually take other people's advice or risk failure. She doesn't feel as in charge as she used to. You can see she has styled waves in her hair not her natural wave. She does like the business attire. She doesn't enjoy being told she can't dye her hair or wear her makeup how she wants.

6. Year: 2020, Age: 29, Pseudonym: President, then Emperor.

Saints Row IV. By this point the reflects some of the freedoms she acquires once she actually becomes President. More ear piercings, more tattoos including the fleur-de-lis on her neck, dyeing her hair again (she changes up the colour every month or so) wearing the makeup she wants to again. The Saints who lived in the white house all got their tattoos in the last four years, too. She stops wearing gold jewellery as she has her gold pistol.

7. Year: 2022, Age: 31, Pseudonym: Emperor, or at this point, just Casey/Cass as everyone knows.

She wears casual clothes a little more by 2020. This is her towards-the-end-of-my-fanfic "a woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life" haircut. She gets it dyed purple but it quickly fades to blue. I couldn't resist putting her in fishnet again. Finally admits she's not immune to love. On the verge of invading the new planet.

[i-am-a-secret-ssshhh]

I hate children.

Let me elaborate.

Today, I went on a Dolly Boat Tour (nothing against them, in fact I love the Dolly Boat Tour and recommend it to anyone going to that area of Arizona). But on the Dolly Boat Tour was a group of kids from a religious summer school type thing. And oh my fucking god they were obnoxious brats.

The captain even had to say something, to which no one did anything.

They were constantly going from the front to the back of the boat, in and out of the doors, up and down the stairs, getting snacks, being loud, jumping, just all around being obnoxious. 

Now, I get it, they’re kids. I was an obnoxious little shit once too. But my parents, or those in charge of me, always reigned me in so that other people were able to enjoy whatever they were doing around me. These people didn’t do that.

These parents/counselors/volunteers, whatever they were, were just sitting there, not doing anything to control these kids. I was so fed up with them. My bullshit tolerance has gone up a lot since working in retail. In fact, I can control my temper and am good at not losing my patience most of the time.

I lasted 45 minutes before I said anything.

Three parents. THREE. Watched their boys take turns running and jumping to touch their hands to the air vent and said nothing. Me? I’m done. I’m fed up and am pissed off. 

So, I say something. I literally just say “HEY! Knock it off!” And the kids got so scared that they did stop. The parents looked so annoyed (and dare I say, offended) that I said something, and then also looked a little scared because I have a resting bitch face only worsened by the fact that I’m angry.

For the rest of the tour I kept making snide and snarky comments, even when they were in earshot. Especially when the kids and parents could hear me. My dad told me to chill out.

It may be a childish perspective, but I feel like if those little brats could be rude and ruin the tour for everyone else on board, I am allowed to make rude and snarky comments and scare the kids. The kids and adults in charge of them should feel guilty about how they acted. One lady even asked for a refund, and I don’t blame her.

For those who don’t know, the Dolly Boat Tour lasts about an hour and a half. During that hour and a half you go all around Canyon Lake in Apache junction, and you get cool facts and commentary from the captain throughout the tour. I’ve only been on it once before, but it lasted a bit longer than that, about an hour and forty-five minutes (though I could be wrong as it was probably almost a decade ago).

This tour barely lasted an hour and fifteen, and the captain barely spoke. He was just as done and annoyed with those brats as everyone else was. He even made a comment towards the end about chartering a boat, which only served to piss me off even more because these assholes could’ve just chartered the boat instead of booking individual tickets and ruining it for everyone else. 

I looked on their website, and they don’t give prices for chartering, but they do give prices for tickets for the tour we went on. About $15 a kid and $30 an adult.

My parents spent $180 for them, my brothers, myself, and my grandma to go on the tour.

I can’t say whether or not it would be more expensive for this religious summer school thing to charter the boat, because of the prices, but I can estimate how much they spent on individual tickets. 

Based on what I saw, there were probably 5-6 adults, which is about $180-$240 right there. Then there were 20+ kids, which is about $300+. So, anywhere from $480-$540+.

That’s a lot of money! 

I, and many other passengers, were ready to start tossing children overboard. It would’ve been easy, as they were constantly leaning over the railing, as if they were trying to fall in the water, and the parents were barely watching them. They wouldn’t have known they were missing a child until they got back to the docks because every other passenger wouldn’t have said a word.

In conclusion, set better rules for the children you’re watching, keep them in line, and please, don’t ruin expensive ass tours for other people.

.

(Edit: If you were curious, after a very light google search I found where the kids are from. 91st Psalm Christian School. It said it on their shirts and I was able to very easily google the name.)

[lifesfeelings]

The Darty and I Love You

Last week, one of Chase’s roommates that I’ve become pretty close with was throwing a day party on a Sunday afternoon. I had work until like 3 and the party was at 1, but I did everything I could to get out and make it on time. This being said, Chase was also stuck at work with me until 3 but he didn’t get ahead so he was actually going to be at work until three, meaning that I was going to be essentially by myself at this darty. I walked over to their house though and it immediately got started. One of the roommates fed me three shots back to back and then I started drinking a tallboy. I went outside and found a random pong partner and lost miserably. Then this guy invited me to play cornhole with him and we won. Small details really. Anyway, after I finished those two games, I went inside and found a group of like four girls standing around a counter. I said shot time and then a group of like 7-8 girls gathered. One of them is this girl in my department who thinks I’m super pure and just like an academic and so she was both having a blast but was also horrified watching me at this point lol! Took the shot and right around then was when Chase walked in. My toxic trait is that, when I’m drunk, I can not be tied down. Whether I’m at a bar or at a party, I have places to be. My friends will try to hang out or talk to me, but I’m a group bouncer or I have games to play. So Chase tried to tie me down and I kept running from him to do other things. At one point, he invited me outside and I went but he got caught talking to somebody as we walked by and I just walked past him and went outside. One of the roommate’s girlfriends, Alexa, was sitting outside and was probably as toasted, if not more toasted, than me. So I went and sat on the ground next to her and we started really talking. Eventually, she asked about my guy situation and I told her I’ve been stuck on the same guy for almost two years. We kept on it, and eventually I ended up telling her that I was into Chase, which is kind of horrendous but we were both blitzed and just is what it is lol! Anyway, this whole story was basically only for two things: I wanted a record of this event, especially with my memory being blurry that day 😂 and to add this one detail to my last post. So, I left a bit after I talked with Alexa. I gathered my stuff and started telling people bye. As I made my rounds, I found Chase and waved to him and he followed me toward the front door. We got there and he dabbed me up (which, God I hate straight men for that lol) but as I turned he said, “We’ll see you, David! I love you.” And I was far too drunk to panic or really even acknowledge, especially since I was already halfway out there door. I was just like, “Yeah, we’ll see you!” And then ran out. But are you FUCKING kidding me!? I realize that he’s my safe person and the person that I feel sees me, and when I have that realization is when he decides to tell me that he loves me!? And then after the Darty is when he started inviting me to the dispensary and the dinner and all that shit. I have a feeling these last like two-three months that I’m in town are going to be quite the ride. Especially with this being the first summer break that he’s spending in town.

05.06.23

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, MAY 31, 2020 Congratulations, assholes. You’ve made some of us look down on you even more. Keep on hurting innocent people while you are (understandably) angry at those who screw you over. You know, because AutoZone and Target and other people and businesses have everything to do with some pig possibly smothering someone to death. You’re just as bad as the pigs and so are those of other ethnicities helping you spearhead your violent little hissy fits. You live in a country where you now have more rights than whites and 95% of the country favors or at least supports you, so the next time you whine about the few left with ill feelings toward you, maybe you’ll finally wake up and realize why.

Meanwhile, go on. Keep living up to those labels at innocent people’s expense. Deepen the animosity a few of us have toward you, then bitch about racism and swear you don’t give a shit what others think all in the same breath. Keep playing the race card unfairly when you know damn well that in most of the country, you’ll automatically be believed, and take your frustrations out on innocent people when you actually do get screwed over. Keep making your own haters based on not where you’re from or your damn skin color but your appalling behavior.

Hate to say it but if it wasn’t for my buddy’s BF who I’m sure would never stoop so low, I’d wonder if going back to the days of segregation may not be such a bad idea. Part of me wishes whites would finally get fed up with their shit and return the violence but I know that adding violence to violence isn’t the answer. Plus, most whites stand by them anyway.

The media needs to start giving as much attention to whites that are brutalized and screwed over by the law as they do others. Maybe it will then sink in that it’s about the abuse of power and not aimed at any particular group. Sure there are a few that don’t care for blacks when they see how much crime they’re involved in, but I think that’s a very small number. I think most cops just like to abuse people much like an abusive lover. Makes them feel powerful and in control.

Well, just like I’m not ashamed to say which foods, music or colors I don’t like, I’m not afraid to admit what people I don’t like just because most people don’t want to hear it. No one’s totally indiscriminate and I’m not about to pretend I’m any different.

What’s with the People You May Know on Facebook that I don’t have any mutual friends with? How do they end up being recommended to me?

Been having some fatigue early in my day and I’m not sure why. Figured out why my weight is down a little, though. I no longer snack on nuts between meals. So while I’m not at the 800 calories or so it would take to lose weight, it deducts enough calories to keep me at the lowest my body feels comfortable weighing these days. A little fat won’t kill me and that’s another thing… I still don’t get why so many people are against that particular F-word. Referring to myself as fat isn’t being “mean,” it’s being honest. I just don’t see the point in dressing things up in fancy labels. Wouldn’t that be a form of denial? I can see “overweight” or “obese,” but “curvy?” IDK, it just seems like that’s really avoiding what those “curves” really are…fat rolls. Nonetheless, the reality is that I’m okay with both the word and myself. I’m not mean to myself. I’m not ashamed of myself. I’m not disgusted with my body. And I’m neither proud nor unproud. I have a typical middle-aged body and that’s fine.

Anyway, I may have no desire to diet but I think Walmart wants to clog my arteries, LOL. Got up around 1 p.m. and Tom had already been up for 6-7 hours and put the groceries away when they were delivered. I opened the fridge to get creamer for my coffee and that’s when I noticed the carton of 18 eggs. I didn’t order those, I told him, and he said he thought it was weird that I would get so many. Exactly. I don’t have any kind of a death wish. He checked the order and it turns out that it’s just another freebie from them. They didn’t charge us for them.

Today marks 8 weeks of taking my medication consistently and without cutting pills.

Tom and I were talking about more ideas for moving and it may actually be cheaper to buy a cheap dump than to rent depending on the space rent and all that. Figured we’d start off in a park so I could compare it to this one and see how similar or different it may be. This would just be for climate testing. Then we would sell it and get a different place in either a park or rural setting if we didn’t leave the state altogether.

There are many areas with tons and tons of parks, hardly any crime, and over 90% white. I still say there’s a noise curse on me and there has been for decades and we’re going to happen to end up next to the wrong people or close enough to them. For the most part, I’ve learned that it isn’t the residents themselves that are annoying but their visitors and workers. The only thing I would worry about with an older park with older homes would be even more sawing and hammering. Here, it’s mostly because people can afford to do so many projects.

I just wish Aly could live near us! Her parents aren’t doing well now but if they get well enough to move to Florida like she said they want to, it certainly wouldn’t hurt my feelings if she followed. :-) But I know it also depends on her job, Cam, and whatever else on top of whether or not she would actually want to live there.

We also talked about possible trips we may take. We still want to go on a helicopter ride and would love to snorkel again. I wouldn’t mind trying scuba diving. Don’t know if I would be brave enough for parasailing or anything like that. Maybe the kind where you’re attached to a boat and above water. Maybe we could take a small plane and go island hopping down around the Caribbean or maybe even further south. Some excursions may be tough because of our weight. I’m fat and he’s really fat so…

I don’t know that we could afford to sweep Europe but it would be cool to fly to Wales and see Mitch, then Amsterdam to see Adonis, shoot over to Germany to see Christiane who would no doubt tell Nane (LMAO!), drop down to Austria to see Irene, then maybe sweep on through Italy, Portugal and Spain before flying back. Greece would be nice to visit, too. There are some beautiful areas there. No way I would go to Africa or the Middle East. If I won a safari or something that would be different.

I would still like to cruise on a small ship. Never again will we cruise on a ship with thousands of people!

I decided to delete my public book on PB. I just can’t get into public blogging anymore. Maybe once we get settled somewhere. I know that anyone could find our future address if they really want to but the less information that’s easily accessible by people that may sell or rent us a place or give him a job, the better it may be.

Here comes another helicopter. The commercial planes have been better but the helicopters still get annoying at times. Wouldn’t be surprised if I heard small planes circling around after midnight but we’ll see. Lately, the most annoying thing is traffic with things opening up again.

Since Tom loves technology and gadgets, we have both arm and wrist blood pressure cuffs. To get me used to the blood pressure cuff they’re going to put on my arm during the root canal, we had me use the arm cuff yesterday with my finger on the stop button. It gets pretty damn tight, but I managed to get through it without panicking or hitting the stop button.

My tooth is the best it’s been since it got infected because the root is no doubt dead now. It’s not even throbbing at the end of the day like it used to. No longer having pain in the lymph nodes on the side of my boob either and I haven’t felt the one in my groin. But I am noticing my neck again.

I haven’t been remembering much in the way of dreams lately. Something about trying to decide if I wanted to purchase this small mirror that had a pretty decorative frame in mint green, another favorite color of mine along with pink and lavender. I was living somewhere with multiple stories since I was thinking about putting it in a spot where I would see at least my legs as I was coming down the stairs. The house I had in mind and pictured in my dream looked similar to my first childhood home. I was thinking about putting the mirror in the small space between the window and the corner of the room by where Dad’s chair was.

Later…

Decided it wouldn’t hurt to compromise with myself and share some things publicly on PB. Then, after people have a little time to see it, I can FO it.

Next thing I know I’m being asked to either take down or make private my last post, and no, I’m not going to do it simply because some people don’t want to hear it and don’t agree with it. I DO NOT support violence as a means of obtaining justice. Never have, never will, and I don’t care what color you are either.

Meanwhile, I’m not going to sit here and babysit some people’s fragile feelings and stifle my freedom of expression because some may not take it well or get the wrong idea. No one can agree on everything 100% of the time. Also, no one’s obligated to read my stuff either. You don’t like it… move on.

If sharing my opinion on being anti-violence is “racist” and “threatening,” (God only knows how they came up with that last one) then so be it. I’m not going to share only what I think most people will agree with and want to read. I’m here to express myself. Not to seek approval. Besides, if one is that sensitive, then why are they reading people’s journals in the first place?

We went to Rite Aid to get some treats and I got some merlot. Rather than drink it every day and risk becoming addicted, I drink it every other week. This keeps it more special this way too.

Lentil chips are really good. I’m glad they’re back.

We went for a bike ride and it was a touch windy and humid with the cloud coverage out there. Sometimes it was sunny. My heart was pounding at 124 when we got back. Coming up the hill against the wind isn’t easy and my legs felt kind of weak and rubbery for a little while afterward.

Made mashed potatoes in the slow cooker for the first time and they came out great. I used cream along with milk.

So excited about our upcoming move even if it’s still a whole year away. Still no idea how we’re going to move either. Going by ground would be harder on me but definitely safer so we can avoid “goesh.” Yeah, me and my silly little nicknames for everything. When we would log on to the internet at the extended-stay hotel we were in when we first came down from Oregon, it would say “connected to goesh.” The “G” was for gateway and of course the “esh” was for extended-stay hotel but I’m not sure what the “O” was for. Online?

Anyway, we were stuck there from August of 2007 until the following April as it pretty much sucked every last dime out of us. If I hadn’t won that 9k, we’d never have gotten out of there!

Nothing exciting in the way of dreams other than me scrubbing an old clawfoot tub that was stained and filthy.

FRIDAY, MAY 29, 2020 Here we go again with black people rioting. If it really is true that a pig suffocated a suspect to death, that’s absolutely horrible, and unacceptable, and the pig should be killed. But they’re just as appalling and disgusting with the way they’re taking their anger out on so many innocent people. Why not take it up with the police department that they’ve got the problem with and leave others out of it? Why do they have to burn, loot, and harm innocent people and businesses while they’re at it? How many times must the LA Riot scene repeat itself? I’ll never understand why they feel they have to take their frustrations out on everybody and anybody they can. This is only going to make them look bad. If you’re pissed at the bank teller, you don’t take it out on the butcher at the grocery store. If they don’t want labels stuck on them, then why do they do so many things to earn them? You can’t pull this shit and then turn around and complain about how unfair the world is to you. No way I’m going to deny the fact in the name of political correctness that I would never feel safe living in a black neighborhood. Some things and some people really never do change. It’s okay to get angry with those that screw you or someone else over. That’s only normal. But there is NO excuse for taking it out on others. Would all blacks do this? Absolutely not. But I have nothing but contempt for them as a whole. They’re no better than the pigs who, incidentally, kill just as many non-blacks. It’s just that those aren’t the cases the media wants to focus on.

I amazingly slept through trash pickup which has been occurring earlier and not being such a multi-hour production

Coming up on 6 million COVID cases but not quite half a million deaths. Tom still feels confident there will be a vaccine next year. And I still feel fairly confident that we won’t catch it. I’m more curious about what’s going on with my lymph nodes, particularly the one at the side of my breast that’s sore. If it doesn’t back off when my tooth is fixed, I’ll decide whether or not to get into Doc A sooner.

The antifungal nail polish will be here on the 5th and on the 3rd comes the portable AC. So our home’s AC has to be sure not to let us down for one more week! It won’t have voice commands, but it will have a remote.

Decided not to wait until we got settled which will be well over a year from now to get a new set of bras. I just got a six-pack of Fruit of the Loom sports bras. I went a little larger than I needed. Usually, 40-42 is enough but I ordered them in 44 so that while I wouldn’t get ideal support for things like jogging, I wouldn’t feel like I had anything too snug wrapped around me with swollen lymph nodes. The colors will be light blue, light gray and white. I prefer dark panties, but I like lighter bras that won’t show through lighter shirts and blouses.

Took the bikes out but only for five minutes because it was a little too warm for doing anything physical, and even a touch humid because it was cloudy.

The more we discuss getting a truck and trailer so we can bypass hotels and shipping containers, the more I like the idea. Still, nothing is etched in stone. But having to deal with him while I’m trying to sleep is enough, as I tease him about, as true as it is with me being such a light sleeper. I don’t need pesky maids and people slamming doors in hotels to add to it even if that would be roomier than a trailer. This time we would be doing it with a lot more money instead of a few grand or less and he wouldn’t have to scramble to get a job right away. Plus, we’d have incoming money.

I’m excited the more I think about it. I just hope nothing shits on our plans and prevents us from getting out of here! No health issues or anything.

Once we got to Florida, we would get a rental in another adult park so that we could compare it to this one and see if it was similar or not. We also need to test drive the climate, so to speak, and make sure I can handle the extreme humidity and that the storms won’t wake me up all the time. If we like the climate but not the park, we’ll check out land somewhere. If the whole state is a bust, then we might head for Texas. They should have some dry areas that aren’t too high in elevation. We need to stick with those blues and greens.

We wouldn’t sell the truck and trailer and get a new vehicle until we were certain of where we want to live. We’d likely take I-80 and then slowly descend downward and outward towards the Carolinas and then shoot down into Florida from there. This way we could stop and meet Aly and I could bring her the doll and the pigs. This is only if we really did end up moving this way.

Tom and I were discussing whether or not we wanted to do NaNo in July. He’s just not really a writer and I’m pretty much out of steam. I just don’t get many ideas I’m excited to actually put into print these days. But we may still do it so I can add to Roomies, my ongoing story written in journal format, and he can edit his story.

THURSDAY, MAY 28, 2020 I called my dentist to schedule the follow-up filling of the crown as well as my other fillings but was told that they want to wait until they get the report from the endodontist. She said it would arrive quickly because it’s digital.

New Mexico is definitely out of the question because I didn’t realize how high it was in elevation and as I learned up in Oregon, that makes my ear worse. We looked at a topographic map and found that areas in red and orange like Oregon and New Mexico are too high. We’ve got to stay in the blue and green areas.

Didn’t feel hot yesterday at all. It’s like that one degree made a huge difference. This is the last day of the heatwave and then we’re going to drop quite a bit. They’re even saying we might get some rain Saturday which is very unusual for this time of year but probably won’t actually happen.

Tom proposed another idea. That would be to get rid of most of our stuff and buy a truck and a small trailer. Then we would drive the main highway that cuts across the country, including cutting through Nebraska, visit Aly, then drive down to Florida. It would actually be a much easier route than if we went through Arizona, New Mexico and Texas to get there (not that we’d dare go through an inch of Arizona). This way we stay on the same road and it would be a much easier drive. If we didn’t have to store a container of stuff anywhere, the truck and trailer would give us the freedom to explore more places before making any definite plans. Not saying we’re going to do this but it’s another possibility to think about.

If we don’t fly, I would definitely like this idea better than taking a train. I think this would be easier for my sleep issues. When we moved to Oregon, he had no place to go when I was sleeping so his movements would often wake me up. But if we were sleeping at different times, he could hang out in the truck more. Sleeping at the same time may be a bit of an issue with his movements and snoring, but this way we would be able to test the waters when it came to both inland and coastal areas easier. Maybe we could even find a bare piece of land somewhere that will allow us to remain in the trailer until we get a house hauled in. All I know is I’m sick of listening to people’s shit and having a daily symphony of loud traffic, power tools, landscaping, planes and projects.

He could probably tolerate Florida because he did spend six weeks of basic training in San Antonio where it’s also humid and didn’t have any problems. I’m not really expecting any myself, to be honest, but you never do know. I didn’t know Simone would trigger my asthma, after all. If Florida doesn’t work out, there are dry places in Texas at lower elevations.

Haven’t done much public writing lately. It just doesn’t excite me much anymore to share with just anyone and everyone.

The money arrived yesterday and I’m going to treat myself to that antifungal base coat and polish and then we’re still gonna save, save and save all we can. Never know how long the money will last. They’re out of berry-colored nail polish so I’m getting light turquoise.

Anyway, working hard today! Lots of cleaning that I’ve neglected and doing some laundry. Cooking some chicken thighs with broccoli too.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 27, 2020 My bum tooth is holding steady and the lymph nodes in my neck and groin haven’t bothered me today, but I can feel the one at the side of my boob. Wish I could get the peace of mind of knowing it’s nothing serious without the torture! But I’m just not ready to get any serious testing done at this time. I’ll make a decision after my tooth is fixed if the lymph nodes don’t back off at that point.

Florida or New Mexico, Florida or New Mexico??? It’s a tough decision! Yesterday I was so hot all day that I started to think we may be better off forgetting planes and trains and just driving down to New Mexico since I don’t seem to be able to tolerate heat as well as I used to. Yet today I’m fine so far. I lowered the temperature in here from 78 to 77.

Tom brought up the idea of picking a place in Florida to ship our stuff to in a shipping container and taking a train to Nebraska which would take 37 hours. Then I could meet Aly and we could see what it was like there. Maybe even rent a place for a short time, and basically sample different places to possibly live in. I just know there’s no way I’d be happy in that harsh of a climate. Snow and extreme cold just aren’t my thing. Nor would I want to go back to the furnace Arizona was either.

I hate the not knowing! I wish I could know if the climate in Florida would get to either of us in any way. Would we be that uncomfortable every time we were outdoors? Would it mess with our breathing or allergies and anyway? Would storms wake me up a lot? But because of that damn container, we can’t just sample too many places, unless we got rid of nearly everything. Actually, though, Florida is the only place I wouldn’t mind sampling. I can’t imagine having any problems in the New Mexico desert since I survived an even harsher desert than the area we might consider.

I’d love to meet Aly, but the train doesn’t appeal to me very much due to being doubly cursed in the sleep department. When you can’t keep a schedule and you’re the lightest sleeper on earth, the faster you get settled, the better. So I’d rather fly across the country than train it, and it would be cheaper too. The trains have roomettes that have a bed and table, and rooms with bunk beds, tables and a bathroom. I just know I gotta get off the fucking street and out of a flight path! I was just falling asleep last evening when a fucking motorcycle woke me up. And oh, the projects! I’m so sick of hearing people’s shit all the time. Every fucking thing they do, I have to know about it.

I like the fact that Florida is stricter on loud vehicles than New Mexico but then with every other person having a motorcycle in Florida as they do here, that might make up for it.

My meds, age and weight could be why I don’t handle heat as well as I used to. Well, I can’t stop my meds, I’m not going to get any younger, and I’m not losing weight either. Or maybe it’s just not hot enough often enough to be used to it here, I don’t know. I remember it took me years to acclimate to Arizona and whenever the winters would come around, as short as they were, I would be so cold. I was freezing my ass off when we went to Oregon as well. So I still do handle heat better than cold, especially if it’s that cold.

The heat may be more comfortable than freezing my ass off, but warmer weather makes it harder for sleeping, working out, and doing things like that.

I miss the beaches, but I don’t like the humidity. If we got some land in New Mexico we could get our own pool and that would certainly be better than public pools with the potential for screaming brats in it. Whenever we wanted a vacation we could go to Hawaii or Mexico. It’s not like we could afford to live too close to the beach anyway or that we would go to the beach every single day if we did.

If we could find an ideal piece of land with an old piece of shit on it, we might be able to have a brand new place brought in, and then the old house could become a storeroom and a workshop for Tom. It would be better for outdoor walking and bike riding, too.

I’m still open to looking at everything when the time comes to seriously start hunting for a place, but fear of the unknown is definitely something to consider. Being evacuated due to Hurricanes could be a real bitch for me as well depending on where my schedule was at the time. But then I don’t think that would happen very often or for long, so I don’t know.

Tried the new Haagen-Dazs Spirits ice cream today. The one with rosé and cream. Yep, tastes like rosé.

TUESDAY, MAY 26, 2020 I have an hour before I have to leave for my consultation with the endodontist, so I’ll start this entry now but probably won’t post it until later on. I can then add what they say to this entry.

The lights are flickering again in parts of the house and again we don’t know why or what stopped it the last time.

Now that we’ve won the appeal, we’re waiting for the lawyer to take their cut and then send us the rest. Once we get our money, we decided to get a portable AC because I’m tired of stressing over the thought of the AC crapping out. ACs always have more problems than heaters. If we lost heat in the winter, we’ve got a small portable heater, and I could bundle up. Plus, it rarely freezes here. But we would be in trouble if the AC crapped out on us on a day like today that’s getting up to 102 degrees. Triple digits are good for a solar-heated pool but getting up to 90 is actually enough for me because then it keeps the house from getting too chilly in the early mornings. We won’t be back in the 90s for a few days, though.

So when we get our money, we’re going to get a portable AC that is also a heater for $400. It would be totally worth it to have as a backup and we could take it with us. We might actually save money with it because then we wouldn’t have to heat/cool the rooms we’re not in as often nearly as much.

I was a little surprised to feel slight cramps in my upper right tummy earlier and I really hope it’s just funky intestines and nothing involving my gallbladder and especially my liver. I definitely had plenty of fiber yesterday.

I’m both tired and nervous about this morning’s appointment since I don’t know these people and I don’t know how much pain I’m in for and how many appointments I’ll have to try to juggle around my schedule issues and all that. I just wish I could go over a year without one problem after another!

I was stressed over the house messing with my schedule that’s to be hauled out, but they already hauled out a piece of it and I didn’t even know it till I looked out the window and saw it gone.

I noticed there’s a slight discoloration that resembles a bruise at the base of my neck by the lymph node that’s been giving me problems, but I don’t know if there’s a connection or not. I’ve actually noticed this before, but the discoloration is a little more obvious now. Tom thinks it’s just a blood vessel. He has them too. Part of being older.

I’ve learned a lot over the years from Aly about different things from writing to people to life in general. In many ways, she is smarter and more mature than me even though she’s younger.

We were discussing how much lying bothers me and when she explained the reasons behind most of Kim’s lies and why she doesn’t feel it’s significant enough to throw away an otherwise long-term friendship, I could see exactly what she meant. It’s one thing to say I’m going to ghost Kim but then another when I consider the fact that the lies truly are petty and haven’t harmed me in any direct way. It’s still a bit bothersome but not the worst thing I’ve had to deal with from anyone. I realize no one’s perfect and I haven’t always been totally honest myself. I’ve come to see that if we’re looking for the perfect friend, well, they just don’t exist because no one’s perfect.

Aly isn’t always honest and open but still a great friend for many different reasons. She gets and accepts me as few others have and doesn’t judge me. She’s got a good memory, and she cares. I know nothing is guaranteed in life and that she could decide one day she no longer wants to be friends, but I hope we’ll be friends for the rest of my life.

Aly said, “If Kim ever did something to truly destroy my trust in her, I know her address, her home phone number, June’s number and address, where Kim works, where she goes to church, the business her sister owns or used to own and I’ve got plenty of ammunition to use against her to bring her down. There are a lot of things I notice and know about friends and family that I never bring up, but instead retain just in case.”

I asked her what she noticed or knows about me and while she told me of some dirt she has on a few others, she said, “But if I told you then I’d lose that power! ;) Realistically, though, you’re a very open book compared to some, so I really don’t have a whole lot of “dirt” on you compared to, say, Kim or Molly or my aunt Cathy.”

I’m definitely an open book with her. Still, it got me thinking and asking myself, what could anyone out there really use against me? When I say, “use against me,” I mean something that could bring noticeable physical, legal, or financial harm to my life. I honestly can’t think of anything because I don’t share sensitive info like credit card numbers and Social Security numbers in blogs, private or not. Plus, we always do regular checks to make sure our identities aren’t stolen and keep an eye on all bank accounts. I’m not a fugitive on the run, I’m not abusing the welfare system or the government in any way, and I’m pretty much boringly ordinary. Even if someone hacked into all my journals and stories and shared them with the world, oh well. It can be proven that it wasn’t me that shared them and even if I chose to do so right now on my own, there really isn’t anything in them that could get me in any form of legal trouble. It could embarrass and piss some people off, no doubt, but that would be the extent of it. I only choose to wait until I’m gone or close enough to it because then they literally have my entire life story and not just part of it.

Pretty sure that if anything could be done to me, the termites would have found what it was and would have gladly and happily done it. They’re very spiteful, vengeful people.

Her “dirt” is probably finding accounts of mine I don’t know she knows about. There is always a chance, I suppose, that with her hacking skills, she hacked into and read some private journals. Or maybe she knows about Tom, even though there’s nothing she could do with any info there. We’re not in Arizona. So what else could she do? Call the park or my doctors and tell them I threatened suicide or something? But that couldn’t be proven and could actually get her in a lot of trouble.

These days I prefer to simply get along with those I can get along with and avoid those I don’t. I don’t want to troll anyone needlessly or stir up any trouble, and I won’t allow myself to be baited into any shit either. No one’s worth having karma bite me on the ass unless they did something seriously detrimental to me. Nasty words and online pranks wouldn’t be enough to unleash any kind of a fight in me but unlike in the past, I would fight back if given no choice and provoked and pushed to the edge. Again, though, I really prefer to live in peace and get along with people. I can ignore those I don’t like and those that don’t like me.

Okay, I’m back from my appointment which went as well as can be expected. A white guy that’s from here (gay?) is going to do it so at least he doesn’t have any hard-to-understand accent.

Tom went into the building and located their office with me since it was a huge building and I was all wound up, but I went into the office alone. My temperature was perfect at 98.6.

I had to fill out the usual paperwork with some of the questions being COVID-related. The lady at the desk told me she and her husband had root canals done, and they’re no problem.

Then another lady took me into one of the exam rooms and put the scary blood pressure cuff on me. Those electric ones that squeeze you real hard that I hate. This is the first dentist that’s ever wanted to take my blood pressure. By the time it got too tight and I told her to remove it, it was done, and of course my BP was through the roof with my nerves.

I forgot to mention my swollen/sore lymph nodes but maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t because then they might think I’ve got the virus. My stomach pains are a little annoying. Perhaps the penicillin is responsible since it does kill good bacteria in your gut that you actually need.

So the doctor was very businesslike. Not to the point that he was cold or made me feel rushed in any way. He was just very professional and seemed confident, assuring me he does this sort of thing all day when I expressed my fears and told him of the incident with my medication and county clinic that put a complex on me.

Unfortunately, they don’t have nitrous oxide available now because of the virus and they don’t know when they’re going to have it again. Not exactly sure what the connection is but obviously there is one.

They took x-rays and confirmed it actually is the tooth in the very back. He reminded me that pulling it would still be an option and a much cheaper one even though that could call for future problems down the road should I have problems with any surrounding teeth. I would probably be able to chew okay without that tooth but he too, recommends a root canal.

He felt my gums, poked my gums, and did that pressure test. Then he used something that was really cold only this time it didn’t leave me in excruciating pain as the dentist did. He said that’s not just due to the penicillin I took but because most of the root is now dead. Then why bother removing the tooth if it’s dead? I asked him, and he said because I could still get infected. The root may be dying but the tissue surrounding it is not.

They keep the place cold as my old dentist did, so I now know to dress warmer. I don’t like the way my legs stick to the plastic on the chair anyway when I wear shorts or a dress. And yes, it will be just one more appointment, fortunately, and then I have up to 4 weeks to get into my dentist to fill the rest of it. I’m hoping she’ll do that and my cavities at the same time. If I don’t call her today, I’ll call her tomorrow to fill her in.

Anyway, the guy says that two days before the appointment, they’ll call in a bottle containing two Halcion pills. Apparently, it’s a kick-ass tranquilizer because they’re going to not only have an oxygen/HR thing on my finger in which she says not to wear nail polish, but also that scary blood pressure cuff.

The doctor said, “You won’t care what I’m doing.” I sure hope not because if I don’t care about him drilling and whatnot in my mouth, I’m not likely to care that my arm is having the shit squished out of it. I’ll just see if they can put it on the arm I didn’t break because the extra bone mass on the broken arm makes it a little more sensitive to pressure. His assistant said some people say they don’t even remember the procedure.

The entire thing, including today’s x-rays and medication and all that, is going to be $1,700. Thank God we won so much money!

Today he had to wait in the car and in the lobby, but they said he could sit in the waiting room during the procedure. I definitely won’t be able to walk out of there easily when they’re done, and he said someone would have to drive me. No problem when you don’t drive to begin with. The two things I don’t do is drive or handle our finances with my shitty math. I could barely manage a checking account and the few bills I had during the nine years I had an apartment in the late 80s and early 90s.

I’m on for June 11th at 7:30. They only do this particular procedure in the mornings. I’m to take one of the Halcion pills an hour before the appointment and bring the other pill with me in case it’s needed.

Tom told me Halcion is a sleeping pill while I was helping him with his wart. He has a huge wart on the back of his head that we’ve been treating but I can’t believe it’s going to go away on its own. We’ve got money, so I don’t know why he doesn’t get it taken care of by a doctor but then most of us hate doctors and the money isn’t going to last forever either. Probably just the rest of the year. It could last a year in a cheaper place.

I’m too tired to get into an idea he came up with for moving, and this entry is getting long enough anyway. I’ll just end it by saying we stopped for burgers and fries for the first time in a while on the way back from the dentist.

MONDAY, MAY 25, 2020 Researched tips on how to stop being such a worrywart. One tip suggests talking about my worries but the last thing I want to do is put anyone in a bad mood. Tom is horrible at handling complaints of any kind.

The rat started chewing the pig’s liner so no more coming and going into the pig’s section unsupervised.

We took the bikes out yesterday before it got too hot. I could hear hammering and sawing just over the wall. Yes, Californians love to do their projects.

After a few more triple-digit days, I hope they’ll open the pool. I don’t know if it would be wise to get my hair cut, though. Until and if there’s a vaccine, I don’t know that we should go anywhere unnecessarily. But then maybe in another month or so, if no one in this area has had the virus, then maybe it’ll be okay.

Didn’t know this but apparently, they make antifungal nail polish that actually helps cure yellowed nails and brown spots like what I’ve got. I have my doubts despite the rave reviews, but it can’t hurt to try it. It’s looking like the Lamisil probably isn’t going to do me any good.

It was nice to have funny and embarrassing dreams instead of sad and terrifying ones for a change.

The first dream was weird. I was at the beach somewhere enjoying the sounds of the waves crashing on the shore and taking in the smell of the ocean which I loved. I looked at the waves and was trying to judge the best time to dodge the bigger ones to go out for a swim.

Suddenly, a few people were yelling at me in an angry but mostly concerned manner. It was almost like they thought I was enjoying myself a little too much or something and that worried them.

In the embarrassing dream, I was in a room talking to some photos. It suddenly occurred to me that Tom may be in the next room listening. So I stepped out of the room and checked in the room next door and sure enough, there he was, much to my immense embarrassment. I tried to make some excuse to cover up for my embarrassing actions by saying I’d fallen asleep and was just talking in my sleep.

Then both Andy and the termite contacted me. The termite called begging to “move on” and for financial help because she was down to her last $2. LOL Unfortunately, they can’t be that bad off in reality even if her narcissistic offspring aren’t working and can’t help because she has disability checks while he has retirement checks to support them, and they’re paying a lot less than we are. They may not be doing great, but I can’t see them struggling much. I would be a lot more worried about Andy than them.

I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if someday she tried to contact me to play kiss and make up. Not gonna happen! I may have learned my lesson decades too late, but I have learned it.

I even told Tom in the dream that I would talk to people like Andy and Marie before I ever talked to Tammy, and that’s true. However, unlike in the dream where I seemed to like the idea of reconnecting with Andy, I really don’t have any desire to. Same goes for Marie. They are who they are, and I think it’s safe to say that as old as they’re getting, they’re set in their ways with no desire to change. I don’t want to deal with Marie’s paranoid craziness or reconnect with Andy just to deal with his arrogance, insensitivity, negativity, and to be told that every other thing I say is a lie.

SUNDAY, MAY 24, 2020 We’ve got a heatwave coming through with triple digits getting as high as 106 dgs. Should be hot until the 30th.

Tom has had a tremor in his hands for a while but lately, I’ve noticed that sometimes his head has a slight shaking to it as well. He’s getting a little old for Parkinson’s so hopefully, it’s nothing serious. I’ve asked him about it, and he says it’s nothing. I hope he’s right! Having to worry about my shit is enough.

Yesterday I asked the pharmacist at Rite Aid his opinion on my nails and unfortunately, he said what I came to suspect it is…a fungus. He recommended Lamisil and said it might not work and I may need the pills that Dr. A mentioned I might need. You only take a couple of them, but they’re supposed to be particularly hard on the liver.

When I got back, I checked my Documents folder and found I tried Lamisil to no avail in 2017 on my toes. But my toenails are worse than my fingernails, so we’ll see. Aly said it helped her toenails after a couple of weeks so that gives me a bit of hope. After a couple of treatments, there might be a very slight improvement but it’s too soon to say for sure.

He recommends calcium for the lifting. I’ll get some caramel calcium chews with the next grocery order.

It’s also looking like my stomach pain was caused by a lack of fiber because while I was at the store, I grabbed a can of cannellini beans and it’s better today. Not perfect but better. I had one normal dump and one that was slightly runny. What I call the partial runs.

So much for saying my body won’t let itself under 155 because I woke up at 154.6, interestingly enough, even though I’m not dieting.

Just a little concerned with whatever my throat/neck situation is. I can see swollen lymph nodes, and I get that they extend into the sides of the boobs which would explain the sore spot at the side of my boob, but why would I feel irritation at times in my throat when I swallow? That’s the part I don’t get. So I decided that if my neck/throat/boob doesn’t improve with fixing my tooth, I might see if I can bump up Doc A and get finding out about it done and over with. This way they can fix anything that may be wrong or tell me it’s nothing and ease my concerns, so I don’t have to sit here worrying and wondering all the time. Oh, it’s something, alright. The question is how much of something it is. Hopefully, it’s something simple that won’t require any treatment. I know I should just take the free boob squeeze but I’m still hesitant. Right now the lymph node thing is my biggest concern.

Trying not to overdo the complaints, concerns and stress over my health and teeth to Tom because I know it gets to him. If there’s anything he’s always been really bad at handling, it’s complaints of any kind. He just doesn’t want to hear it. Be it me bitching about noise or my health, it brings him down and puts him in a bad mood and I don’t want to do that to him. So I’m going to make a point of just toughing out whatever I can. Yes, it sort of bothers me just like it’s always bothered me that he’s quick to defend whoever I’m upset with, and I also know that someone could be bashing the shit out of me right in front of him and he wouldn’t say a single word. So yeah, it bothers me. But he is who he is.

My chicken marsala came out okay if you like white meat. Not something I’m going to make again so I’m hoping the slow-cooked pork chops I’m making right now will come out better. They’re cooking in a mix of cream of chicken, ranch dressing mix, chicken broth, and garlic.

Last night’s dreams were the usual mix of negativity. Facing living alone or thinking about it as a real and scary possibility (I would never let myself live alone. If I wasn’t in jail, a nursing home, or a funny farm, I’m dead, but definitely not alone), cops showing up to execute a search warrant while someone was visiting me, me in a hallway in some building the cops were storming through.

SATURDAY, MAY 23, 2020 Planes are going to be bad later this morning. I can hear the freeway.

Based on my symptoms and our research, we’re now thinking the intermittent stomach pain I get is connected to intestinal inflammation. I should have other symptoms if it was the gallbladder.

Then I took a dump and noticed the shit was broken apart, Googled it, and it suggested a lack of fiber which can lead to GI issues.

As for my nails…I’m 90-something percent sure it’s not nail polish damage. I think it could be fungus similar to what’s in my toenails. When I don’t put lotion on, I see the same yellowy-white discoloration that’s in my toes. I’d love to ask a pharmacist at Rite Aid what their opinion is and any OTC they may recommend.

The endodontist’s office called yesterday wanting to have me come in a little earlier. That’s fine but this is the second time they’ve changed times on us. Really hope they don’t make this a regular habit even if I hope to only see them one more time after Tuesday.

They’re opening more things up here and the increase in traffic sounds reflects that. So now my sleep is at risk when I’m sleeping during the daytime. It’s stupid too. They shouldn’t lift the lockdown until a vaccine is available.

I’m sure I will be woken up when that house is finally hauled out of here and the new one hauled in. They’re taking forever to do it.

Dixie said she later heard that no, the house wasn’t broken into but they’re just remodeling. How do you get a break-in out of remodeling? But then Dixie isn’t all there. Pretty sure I know the house she’s talking about. I’ve seen it when out walking.

Yesterday when I was out walking, one of the turkeys kind of lost its mind. I don’t know if it was attempting to be aggressive or if it was desperate for attention or scared of something or what. I turned to look behind me to find one charging at me as a woman was coming toward me walking her dog. Then a car was coming, and the turkey didn’t want to get too close to the car or to me so it flew a short distance. Then it turned around and kept circling the woman and her dog. The woman was worried for a minute that the turkey would harm her dog based on the way she held the leash protectively. There were a couple of clusters of the ugly bastards along the way. You don’t realize how loud turkeys gobble until you’re standing right next to them when they do!

The chicken marsala I made yesterday came out okay. I’m just not a fan of white meat so if I ever make it again, I won’t use breasts. It’s dry, bland and stringy.

About a month ago I broke down and finally decided to say hello to Dr. H and Holly and let them know we would be moving next year. Yesterday I noticed Dr. H was showing up under the People You May Know section. I asked Becky her opinion and she said she wasn’t sure exactly, she’s had people show up too, and it can’t be a coincidence.

I agree. I don’t think Holly has been to my profile if she even got or read my message, but I think the doctor visited me. Of course she didn’t reply. It’s kind of weird, too. I can see if she was still treating me, but there is no doctor-patient relationship anymore. So why not a quick and polite reply? It just seems kind of rude to blow me off at this point but that’s her choice.

I also can’t help but wonder if perhaps Alyssa does read my messages after all because she hasn’t updated her profile picture since August. Okay, I know she’s busy as hell adding a kid on top of a demanding career, but it makes me wonder if perhaps she feels uncomfortable posting anything that has to be public because of me. I hope that’s not the case as I certainly don’t want anyone feeling unnecessarily comfortable.

Aly’s having the same problem I had with mometasone, only on her face instead of her privates. It really burned the hell out of her so now she’s on steroids again. Seems to be the only thing that helps her with her eczema outbreaks and other rashes.

She visited in my dreams last night. Not sure it looked like this house but she turned in before we did, and as I was putting on my floral silk robe I said, I looked at the closed door she slept behind and said, “I can’t believe Alison P is behind that door.”

In reality, I’m starting to doubt we’ll ever meet. Kind of sucks but I can live with it.

FRIDAY, MAY 22, 2020 “They split that house,” Tom stepped outside and then stepped back inside to tell me. Sure enough, when I looked out the living room window and at the house where the guy was beating on the carport, I could see it was pulled apart a bit. He thought they pulled it apart to do some kind of repair, but I knew there was no way they would do that just to fix something. He said it would be a tremendous waste of money to replace the house when you can just get a new place somewhere. I agree. But people do stupid shit all the time.

I jumped on Facebook and messaged Mrs. Twenties and yes, they are replacing it, she confirmed. She’s also tired of the project noise and is usually tolerant of noise to begin with. They haven’t pulled it out yet. I guess they’re waiting until I’m back on nights? We were hoping at first that they would go out the back and that way they wouldn’t have to go around the corner by our place and then to the back gate, but Tom says it does look like they are going to come between us and the Twenties. He said it’s actually a triple-wide and that they’re just gonna shift the pieces over onto the carport and then pull them out onto the street from there which means it has to go by us. Really hope to hell I’m awake when they pull it out and bring the new one in! I can’t believe this shit. I just can’t. It’s like there’s no end to what people will do in this place. Everything’s about appearance and throwing money away.

There is some good news. While Dahl may make me want to beat him over the head at times with his circular saw, the Twenties lucked out with a good neighbor. Her name is Mary Ann. She’s a home health care nurse who is working from home. This is exactly why I say I want more female neighbors if not couples like the Twenties.

Dixie surprised me by informing me that someone broke into a house on Tandy while the owners weren’t home. If this is true, then wow. This is the last place you would think anyone would want to break into even when the front gate is open. You’re just so much more likely to get caught here. Stealing a bike on a corner that someone was stupid enough not to lock is one thing, but breaking into houses? Here? Guess it’s a reminder that no place is exempt from trouble.

Yesterday the planes were more annoying than they have been in a while. I think the direction of the wind might have shifted because I could hear the freeway.

I don’t know if this is real or not. It seems a little too good to be true that I could play a spin-the-wheel game and instantly be told I won a $200 discount in a smartwatch store and I don’t even have to apply the code when I check out because it will be automatically applied. Most of the smartwatches range from $220 to $225 but again, I don’t know if it’s for real. I’ll have Tom check it out with me when he gets up.

It seems that when it comes to my top two cyber friends and me, we all have our curses and our blessings. One is blessed with good health, the other peace and quiet, and I’ve got the money. But only for now. If I continue to have one problem after another as I feared I might once I beat the anxiety, and if something really is trying to trap us here, it’s going to run out fast. Really starting to suspect I may have gallstones. That cramp-like pain I get in my upper right tummy that I’ve had on and off since about 2017 seems to suggest this. I looked up everything in that area and it’s too far to the side to be the pancreas. Really doubt it’s any kind of liver-related problem or IBS, which leaves gallstones. I fit the criteria too. I’m an obese woman over 40.

Read back in my journal (again, I’m so glad I keep a journal as everyone should), and not only has Tom’s mother, sister, and Evie had gallbladder surgery, but my dad sent me a letter in 2008 saying he had his removed. It’s a common problem. It’s easy to diagnose and easy to fix which is great, but I’m tired of suffering and I definitely don’t want to waste money on health issues. But yesterday and the day before, it was more noticeable than ever. I was constipated for a couple of days, so we’ll see if no longer being stuck makes it better. I’ve only been up for 4 hours and so far, it’s ranged from non-existent to mild.

Aly will be tested for the virus today. She doesn’t think she has it.

THURSDAY, MAY 21, 2020 Woke up feeling more rested (even though I took a nap) and less like I had a cold. My lymph nodes aren’t too bad, although I’ve also felt the ones under my jaw and my left groin at times. Today’s problem is that mysterious pain I sometimes get in my upper right stomach. I don’t think it’s enough pain for gallbladder issues and I haven’t been doing anything where I would have pulled muscles in that area, but it’s something that comes and goes along with the lymph nodes swelling. Never really paid attention to say if it happens at the same time or not. I’m thinking it’s either connected to my liver or large intestine, likely the latter. I’m just not sure what, why or how.

When I felt shitty yesterday, I didn’t eat much and realized that if I ever lost a significant amount of weight, something would have to be wrong. Better to keep my appetite and my weight because then I at least know I feel good and am healthy! Since dropping my processed diet in favor of unprocessed foods, the risk of gaining weight has gone way down. But if my body is comfortable staying at 155, then I’m comfortable.

If you diet and lose weight, great. If you diet and don’t (assuming nothing’s wrong with you), then you were likely meant to be where you are.

I had catfish and an avocado an hour or so after I got up. Now I’m baking a chicken breast.

No longer doing voice journals with Alyssa’s chat thread because I noticed that some of them said error after a while. So I decided not to bother.

It may be too soon, but things are starting to reopen. So eventually it’s going to be maddening around here again. You know, if I was the type who could brainwash myself and I wanted to make myself believe there was something up there listening to me, all I��d have to do is ask for noisy neighbors when we move. Yeah, I know better. I know that if there’s anything up there - and that’s a big if - it’s totally pointless to even bother to try to ask for a quiet place because I know it won’t happen. Just not meant to be.

Got tired of asking Kim to tone down the messages and trying to explain that six 1-minute messages or more are a bit much. She’ll respect my wishes for a while, then it’s right back to the long, rambling bullshit. I’m tired of her repetition, too! She’ll tell me the same thing over and over again in a 1-minute message. But at least she’s gullible as fuck and I could convince her my speaker and mic broke so we must revert back to texting. I can skim these faster. FB offers no way to speed up or jump through voice messages in increments.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 20, 2020 I accidentally locked myself out of my Mac doing some kind of upgrade, but since I only use the thing for puzzles and I didn’t need anything on it, we erased the drive altogether and reinstalled Mojave.

My neck lymph nodes feel better today but I feel very run down and almost like I’m coming down with something. God, I hope not!

That concludes my very short entry because I really don’t have anything else to report at this time.

TUESDAY, MAY 19, 2020 Yesterday, the bulge in my neck was more obvious than usual and even Tom could feel it, though it’s not visible to the eye. It was tender and slightly throbbing like my tooth sometimes does. It was the first time I took ibuprofen for it. Tom and I both agree, though, that there’s no urgency to run to the doctor because I’ve had it so long and it’s highly unlikely to be anything serious. So it can wait 5 months until I see my PCP. It’s still stressing me out, though, on top of my pending dental surgery. When I woke up, I felt like gone was the peace and serenity I’ve been having. But then I did additional research on Google and I’m pretty sure I have an idea of what it is and how to make it better if not go away completely. Pretty sure it’s a swollen lymph node that’s been more noticeable due to the inflammation in my mouth. It doesn’t explain why I’ve had it for so long but while my tooth may no longer be infected, it is inflamed.

I learned that we have lymph nodes in the neck, under the arms, and in the groin. I don’t know why this one has been noticeable for the last 2 to 3 years, but I’m guessing it may be connected to my thyroid. I read that nodules on the thyroid are rarely sensitive. Lymph nodes can get bacterial infections at times but that is rare as well. Besides, I just had a round of penicillin. But due to the fact that it is a little tender and seems to be spreading more towards the side, my bet is on a lymph node. Sometimes they have to drain it. No pain in my jaw, thank God, or ear any more than the usual shit I get from the ear on that side.

Definitely don’t have symptoms of cancer and that’s usually not painful. That seems to be the general rule from what I’ve heard and read. If you have lumps in your breasts that are hard, don’t move, or cause any pain, that may be a concern.

They recommended a warm compress on the swollen lymph node and that seems to have helped stop the “bubbling” a bit like when something’s just about to boil. Keeping my hands off it is easy. Keeping my mind off it, not so much. I’m curious and a little worried but right now I want to try to just focus on my tooth first and then decide what to do about my neck. If I do go to the doctor sooner, it will be more to give me peace of mind and settle my curiosity than anything else. Meaning, I don’t have to have any treatment done if she recommends any after finding out what it is. I may mention it to the endodontist just in case it’s important in any way I don’t know about. I’m not a doctor. But as Tom said, I’m the boss of my own body.

I swear I sometimes still get a tickle in my throat on that side and the last couple of days I’ve had a scratchiness of sorts overall, especially when I talk, but again, trying not to worry. It’s hard not to think about it so I’m trying to distract myself with other things.

Lost the nearly 2 lbs I gained after just one day of eating healthier, although I did indulge in some M&M’s. I’m cooking the cornish game hen now and I made the cheddar bay biscuits. Yup, just like Red Lobster.

We ran out to Rite-Aid yesterday and returned to this god-awful hammering sound. My first thought was the woodpecker, but it quickly hit me that it didn’t sound right for that. Well, a few houses down, 125 feet away (love how I can check that on Google Maps), some guy was beating on his carport. I could hear it all the way down in the bedroom even with the door shut, but fortunately, it didn’t last long, and nothing woke me up. Let me guess…they’re getting a garage? I’m just so fucking sick of listening to projects every single fucking week!

Tom made the best mask yet by gluing drawstrings along the top and bottom edges instead of using sewing thread. Much easier to get on and keep in place.

Facebook lets you create personalized avatars that look like you, but I couldn’t quite get mine to look like me, even though I’m using it anyway. Tom thinks I look sort of Asian, LOL. Well, at least I’m a green-eyed brunette.

I have no idea why, but Blitz has been limping and Rockefeller has been whining up a storm. With Rockefeller, I think he just wants attention. With Blitz, I’m clueless. I highly doubt Fuzzy harmed him because he’s never shown any type of aggression toward him and he seldom goes downstairs anyway.

Looking forward to trying this peel-off base coat a PBer recommended so I can hopefully bypass polish remover altogether since the small sample of hairspray I got was worthless, but it’s not a high priority. We both agreed to really watch our shopping until we get out of here.

I was right in assuming I’d hear the motorcycle within a few days because it just came in at nearly 12:30.

Took a break before posting this. Was up for nearly 20 hours and barely slept for 6, so I’m a bit tired today.

The motorcycle left at 2.

The hen was fabulous and totally worth the extra two bucks. Yes, there were a few bland bites of white meat I didn’t eat but I didn’t waste nearly as much as I would a regular chicken.

MONDAY, MAY 18, 2020 My heart was racing again. It did this the night before too, after eating. It’s almost like there was something in the tortellini recipe making it race, but I can’t imagine what. I managed to get five or six servings out of the tortellini and it basically fed me for a day and a half. The same amount of weight it put on me. I swear if I wanted to gain weight, all I would have to do is eat bread, pasta, rice, and peanut butter. I think even just pasta alone would do it.

Some groceries are to be delivered tomorrow. Since it’s harder to lock in a delivery time with so many people getting their groceries delivered, we decided it would be easier to get things delivered every few days rather than weekly. The only “bad” thing I ordered to make us tomorrow besides a small sweet treat of mini M&M’s in a tube is Red Lobster’s Cheddar Bay biscuit mix.

I also ordered a twin pack of Cornish game hens for the first time ever. You can bake them in the oven, but they recommend a cookie sheet with a rack which I don’t have at this time, so I’m going to slow-cook them. I know I could use a casserole dish, but I really love slow cooking. Because they’re small and the cooker is small, I’m going to make one at a time. I can’t see myself eating more than one at once anyway. I’ll season it to taste and cook it over some veggies. Learned that they’re not even game hens but young chickens and therefore have less fat. I prefer dark meat to white but I’m sure I’ll still like them.

Having some fluky weather. We don’t need the heat or anything but the rain we’re getting is unusual for this time of year when it’s supposed to be hot and dry. There is also a flash flood warning for tomorrow.

I hope Tom is right with his time frames. I’m thrilled that we won’t have to worry about money for many months but what then? I asked him what we would do when the money runs out and we’re back down to $1200 a month in retirement checks which aren’t enough to live on. Well, he feels confident that we’ll be fine for the rest of the year and that early next year, there will be a vaccine at which time he’ll get a job and not have to worry so much about getting sick. Wish I could be as confident as he is! It’s just that they felt certain they would have an AIDS vaccine yet 40 years later, there isn’t one. As he said, though, this is very different than AIDS.

I really hope nothing comes up to prevent or delay us from moving next year! And I also hope that whenever I’m destined to have new health issues or old ones that get worse, it isn’t until after we’re moved and settled.

It seems we really have been compensated with money after many years of struggling. I wish I could believe that we’ll be compensated with a beautiful home and an ideal location that’s peaceful and that I love so much and never want to leave until I die, but I can’t believe that for a minute. I would love for that to be the case, but I just can’t see it. Then again, I never would have thought we’d not have any money problems for 9 years, so maybe - just maybe - I’ll be pleasantly surprised even if I highly doubt it.

Had a horrible nightmare. One that certainly can’t reflect anything that’s going on now, so I have no idea where the hell it came from because we’re the furthest from losing the place than we’ve ever been before in our lives. The dream didn’t make much sense in a lot of ways. I was alone yet Tom was still alive. It’s like I couldn’t get to him or something like that. Then there was something about a phone ringing late at night and being back in Massachusetts. I wouldn’t answer it because I was sure that whoever was calling had bad news or was at least someone I didn’t want to hear from.

The scary and sad part of the dream was being stuck in this hotel. I was out somewhere and this woman that sort of resembled Nane was driving me back to the hotel. Then I realized I’d forgotten my room key. “Nane” was frustrated with me, wanting me to make up my mind where she was to drop me off because she was in a hurry and didn’t feel safe being in public with the virus still going around.

Once she dropped me off at my hotel, I was able to get inside my room easily enough because the housekeeper was in it. I found that someone had ripped off most of my stuff. My lungs were tight and I told myself not to panic since I didn’t have my inhaler but then I found it in one of my bags. After I took a puff, I noticed a woman and a man sitting at a small table by the door playing cards and smoking. I demanded that they take their cigarettes outside and was determined to find who stole my stuff. I was questioning some guy at some point and had to resist the temptation to strangle him before he could if not tell me directly then at least point me in the right direction.

I began to feel a sense of hopelessness and to believe that death was my only savior. I then started crying as housekeepers and whoever passed by me as they came and went. I sobbed, “I’m gonna die,” but no one seemed to care.

At least the dream ended on a good note. I was getting it on with some woman and I came like I was under 50 again. LOL

Aly admitted she was still in touch with Molly but only through Fitbit and that was sporadic.

SUNDAY, MAY 17, 2020 Looked into alternatives to nail polish remover that may be better for my nails, and one of the suggestions was toothpaste. That one didn’t work at all, but the perfume suggestion worked a bit. The problem is that it would take forever so it’s not worth it. They say the best is hairspray so next grocery order I’ll throw in some hairspray and we’ll see.

Thought of ways to hide the ugliness until my nails clear up (if they ever do) and remembered I have a bunch of nail decals. They won’t stay on by themselves but all they need is a topcoat. No nail polish and no remover.

My mushroom spinach tortellini came out awesome! The only problem is that it’s making me hungry. That’s the problem with carbs… They fill me up but leave me hungrier. More hunger and eventually more weight. Definitely gotta switch back to meats even if it’s bad for my cholesterol. I don’t lose weight, but I don’t have to worry about gaining and always being hungry that way. It would be nice if I could live on just fruits and veggies alone since I wouldn’t have to worry about cholesterol, but I know I would be even hungrier than with carbs. So it’s either carbs or cholesterol and I choose cholesterol, LOL. My doctor said I don’t have to give up meat altogether if I focus on things like fish instead of bacon. Yeah, but a moderate amount of fat is actually healthier. Atkins was low-carb and low-fat and that can cause heart attacks. I definitely lean way more toward fish and chicken and healthier meats as opposed to bacon and red meats. I don’t want to have too much fish, though, because of the mercury in it.

So that’s what those “steps” are for. The people before us left these little wire-coated steps and when I was looking for spice racks on Amazon, those were one of the designs that came up. I plan to get a different one that I think will be better in the next place but for now, I set one of the steps up by the side of the stove and arranged my sprays, oils and spices on them.

I keep going back and forth in my mind as to whether or not I want to unblock the termites. I’m kind of hoping one of them will contact me first if I do so I can reply with the journal excerpts which kind of makes me feel more like I have an excuse to, but I still hesitate for a few reasons. I want to be gone over a year first. I’m sure they could figure out how to get our future address if they really wanted to and send shit there instead, but at least it should take time to show up online. I don’t think they share this information with the world the instant you get it.

I also don’t want to take a chance of any of them realizing I’ve unblocked them and then turning around and blocking me if they haven’t already, thus making it harder to send them anything in the future. I think I’ll just stick with my original plan and wait until we’ve been gone a year, then I’ll unblock them and send the messages then. I’ll just have to wait a few days before I send them because Facebook doesn’t let you re-block anyone for 72 hours. I’m also going to Skype a copy to Lisa because I don’t trust that Tammy ever forwarded anything I sent her to give to her. Especially when I asked more than once if she gave Lisa a copy of my note and never got an answer.

I don’t want to ask Aly to piggyback any messages when we move because then it’s more likely to be filtered since they were never connected before.

Decided to quit sweeping since all I get are win notifications for others. Really, I’m sick of that shit, and there’s just no winning with all the competition I’ve got these days. I wasn’t sweeping as I used to, though. Not using OLS or anything like that. I was just entering sweeps I would see on my Facebook feed.

The fucking motorcycles made up for my being able to sleep during trash pickup on Friday. Tom said two of them went by. Believe it or not, we’re supposed to get rain tomorrow so hopefully, that will back them off so I can sleep. But yeah, the rude fuckers are going to be a problem until November. I wouldn’t be surprised if I heard the one that visits in the middle of the night within the next few nights.

Sighs frustratedly First all I had to run from were the stereos and barking. Now motorcycles and planes have been thrown into the mix. What’s next? Spaceships?

No runs today but I’m still going too much. I hope I don’t need another round of antibiotics. No pain but there is a slight throbbing sensation in that tooth almost like the nerve is desperate to escape or something.

Went bike riding around 9:30. I figured that sticking to the circle would be kind of boring but I didn’t want to go down the “rollercoaster” not only because of the skunks but because that’s where I go the fastest, and without being able to see well, I didn’t want to risk an accident. So I opted for a Daisy run instead. It only took 10 minutes and there were a few areas that were pretty dark, but it was a nice ride. With the exception of the skunky smell by the RVs.

It seems I had a dream about trying to keep a skunk out of our place without getting sprayed. It didn’t spray me, but it made this horribly angry screeching sound.

I also had dreams involving Alyssa and Dr. A. I love it when I have funny dreams involving people like them, although I wouldn’t exactly call them “funny.”

With Alyssa, I met her under different circumstances, and she was younger, too. We were in a medical building and she was only 21 when I first saw her, though not as doctor and patient. At least not right away. The first time I saw her we never actually spoke, but I was immediately attracted to her and would later realize that she was having a job interview with the medical group about working in that building. I don’t know how long she eventually treated me for, but my dream self was thinking how we first met when she was 21 and now she was 26.

With Dr. A, Tom was telling me it was time to go for my appointment with her and I realized I was barely ready. I had just gotten dressed and hadn’t put on any makeup or anything like that. I jumped up to leave and then fell down.

But then I was sitting in a room by myself waiting for us to do a Zoom meeting. I hadn’t been paying attention to the screen, figuring she would be late. Suddenly, I saw that she was just coming on and went to adjust the monitor.

Then in another split second, I was waiting to meet her outside some building somewhere. It may have been someplace I was living because I was a little embarrassed by how the outside of the place looked. She showed up carrying a jacket of mine as well as a notebook that I left in her office the last time I saw her there. I took the jacket gratefully but then was embarrassed when I looked down at the notebook which was folded open to a page where I had a list of names.

“Ah, my character list,” I said. “A friend and I randomly threw some names down from the internet to choose for stories we’re writing,” Then I flushed with embarrassment when I thought of her reading anything else, knowing I’d written some personal thoughts and things I wouldn’t want to share with her.

In the last dream, I was listening to an official-sounding voice message. My first thought was that it was Dixie, but the woman started off by saying, “This message is for Jodi…” I’m not sure what it was about but I wanted to ignore it and was afraid I wouldn’t be able to.

FRIDAY, MAY 15, 2020 Well, the penicillin has officially given me the runs. Hopefully, it won’t last long.

Forgot to mention yesterday that the dentist canceled my Monday morning consultation. I was annoyed at first, hating it when doctors or dentists cancel on me because that adds to my stress when trying to schedule appointments. But they called back today, and I’ll be seeing a different doctor on the 26th. As much as I’m still dreading it, I hope to get the root canal and all the fillings I need completed around the time I see my ENT in early June so I can enjoy a long break from appointments until I see my PCP in October.

The dentist emailed me saying they’re open again but are going to do things a little differently. They’ll text us a couple of hours before our appointment to ask some COVID-related questions, and then we’re supposed to text them when we arrive. They’ll then text you letting you know when you can enter the office. You must have a mask on except for when you’re being treated, of course, and they’ll take your temperature upon arrival. I’m almost always 97.

At least now I know I won’t have to worry about money at all and can have whatever procedure I want regardless of costs (I would still prefer laughing gas and not just a simple chill pill). Yeah, I still can’t wrap my head around that, LOL. This is more money than anything I’ve ever won, more than my joke of an inheritance, more than anything.

I have these foil sachets that are typically used for removing glitter nail polish. I think I’ll soak the pads in them with apple cider vinegar and treat my still shitty-looking nails with them. I still hope Tom’s right when he suspects it’s just nail polish damage and reminds me that my doctor saw them and didn’t think they were anything to worry about. They’re not as irritated today, so that’s a plus.

Despite my hair being barely past my shoulders, it’s still a bitch to brush even if I do it regularly. Is it really still that thick?

Miraculously, I slept through trash and green waste pickup. Wish I’d thought to add Alexa and her brown noise 7 years ago. It’s just that she wasn’t as reliable back then and I had other things going on to disrupt my sleep like perimenopause and the hell I went through adjusting to my medication. I’m much better off both physically and emotionally these days, especially emotionally, and I think that helps me relax enough to sleep better, along with the fact that I know this is our last year here. It better be! Life isn’t usually what we plan or at least when we plan it, so hopefully, this will be one of those exceptions.

The only time I might still get in a blah kind of mood is when I’m on nights, which is not surprising and quite typical. That’s when my mind has fewer distractions in order to have a chance to go places it shouldn’t be going. That’s when the what-if moments often come to mind. I just try to keep busy which is something I like to do anyway. I like to be as productive and as creative as possible.

Could have sworn I heard that damn saw for a few seconds shortly after I got up, but I can’t swear to it.

While I’m glad it’s summer, it kind of sucks to know that they’re very likely to close the pool during the summer. At least we should be able to swim year-round in Florida.

I’m making mushroom spinach tortellini now. This is the most sophisticated recipe I’ve thrown together yet. If someone had told me I would one day develop an interest in cooking and would be making the kinds of dishes I’ve been making, I would have laughed. I’ve definitely learned never to assume I might not be interested in something later on down the road or that I won’t lose interest in something I’m presently interested in. One can never know.

Right now I’ve got mushrooms, onions, butter, soy sauce, salt and pepper cooking in vegetable broth.

It took a half-hour of preparation and it’s in the cooker for the next 7 hours. It’s going to be a while before I add in the tortellini, cheddar, cream cheese, spinach and basil leaves. I shredded the basil leaves by hand because I don’t have a decent shredder right now. Thank God for rodents! I had more basil leaves than I need, so the pigs and rat will be happy to finish off what’s left of them.

Fuzzy and Blitz are cohabiting nicely. I was worried Fuzzy would pester him and maybe chew up the liner, but he’s been behaving nicely. I think it’s mostly because he’s older and spends most of his time upstairs sleeping.

THURSDAY, MAY 14, 2020 I’m still baffled by my nails, but I think whatever it is goes beyond simply overdoing the nail polish. I hope Tom’s right since he thinks that’s all it is. The problem is I’m so addicted to nail polish that it’s hard to keep from polishing them, but I’m determined to leave them alone for the rest of the year or at least until and if they clear up. I’m wondering if it might be due to psoriatic arthritis.

I’ve got lifting in about half of my nails, some discoloration, and even a touch of sensitivity. It’s hard to describe but I guess it’s almost like the tips of the nails where they meet the nailbeds have a slight burning sensation or like the skin is too dry and tight even though I’m keeping my nails moisturized. It’s weird because the fingernail that’s the most sensitive doesn’t appear to have any discoloration or lifting. One of the sites I was investigating recommended soaking them in apple cider vinegar for 10 minutes for a few weeks. I doubt it will help but it can’t hurt to try.

They also recommend coconut oil, so I decided to use that instead of the Healthy Hoof.

At least my bottom I-tooth didn’t have any soreness when I first removed the mouthguard today as I had for a few days. I think that tooth was just trying to shift.

I also think I would like to stop having one fucking problem after another!

I’m a couple of days away from taking my meds consistently for 6 solid weeks. So I’m sure my next round of anxiety is coming soon and I’ll have to snip the ends of the pills for a couple of days. Well, hopefully, that’s all I’ll need to do it for.

Nothing like waking up to the sound of sawing. Yeah, this is the third fucking time since the sixth and it’s definitely getting old. The thing is that the bastard will quickly saw something and then jump inside his house. I don’t want to go to anyone’s door with the virus going around. He’s obviously not going to stop until someone complains and maybe not even then since many people react poorly to complaints. I can see someone doing this initially when they first move in and are getting settled but it’s been going on ever since the bastard moved in which tells me it’s just what he does. It’s probably his hobby if not part of his job. Oh, to have all-female neighbors! Yes, I’ve had some obnoxious female neighbors before but nothing like the shit I’ve gotten from guys. Them and their fucking loud-ass power toys and vehicles.

The commercial planes, on the other hand, have been a million times better. No longer do I hear dozens of them in the early morning and late at night along with a sprinkling of them in between. I’m sure they’ll drive me crazy again soon enough but I’m enjoying the break from them for now. All I hear are a few small planes and a few more helicopters and that’s pretty much it. The nights are nice and peaceful as they should be.

Took the bike out this afternoon but it was a bad time because there was too much activity getting in the way. People see me coming yet they still can’t get out of the fucking way which slows me down. Riding against the wind on a gearless cruiser is damn hard, so I hate it when they slow me down in the areas that aren’t uphill. I love coasting down Oak. There were also a couple of women hugging nearly in the middle of the road which forced me to go further toward the middle of the road to get around them and this was right at a curve where you can’t see oncoming traffic. I almost slammed into a couple of turkeys as well.

I would go at night when the traffic, people and turkeys aren’t in the way but then I run the risk of hitting a skunk darting out in front of me. It wouldn’t take much to get thrown. Just one large rock or something in the road that I didn’t see until it was too late, and I could be as good as dead if not so injured that I sure as hell wished I was. Getting thrown from a bike can be just as dangerous as a motorcycle and you don’t need to go nearly as fast. It’s still fun to go out riding whenever I get around to it. If I stick to the circle at night, I should be okay. There’s only a small section where I like to go fast, but that area is well-lit.

Tom loved the creamy cheesy scalloped potatoes I made. He said they were fantastic and it was all he could do to keep from eating the whole pot, LOL. Well, he won’t want any of tomorrow’s recipe which will be mushroom spinach tortellini.

I had a boneless skinless chicken thigh leftover from when I made the garlic chicken which I baked at 425 degrees for 40 minutes after seasoning it with garlic salt, cinnamon and paprika. Came out surprisingly well and I could see myself getting this more often.

The wool dryer balls came today and depending on how long they last, we’ll save a lot of money in the end because I’ll no longer need to get liquid fabric softener. They do a great job with static and your clothes dry a little faster.

Dixie invited me down this Saturday to make more masks with her but I’m on nights now. I wish she would just download the Walmart grocery app and get a subscription going so she doesn’t have to go out as much but I don’t think she understands how to do that. She and technology just don’t get along and she has memory issues much worse than mine. PQQ helps with Tom’s memory but I’m afraid to take things I don’t need to take. If it wasn’t for him, I’d probably have to record my doctor/dentist visits and then take notes later on, that’s how forgetful I can be these days.

I’m worried for Aly because her temperature was 99.9 which isn’t too bad but 13 hours of sleep? Hell, I can’t remember the last time I slept that long and she usually only needs 5-6. She said she was still tired afterward and had to resist the urge to sleep, not wanting to throw off her schedule. Really wish she had stayed away from Cam and that she doesn’t have the virus!

I decided to make the blog with the termites’ journal excerpts private. I’ll message them directly when I feel the time is right.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 13, 2020 Found out some not-so-great news today as well as some totally fantastic news but I’m not sharing the fantastic news just yet and when I do it will only be with Aly. Gotta laugh to myself knowing how pissed the termites would be if they knew about it, LOL.

Yeah, it isn’t every day you wake up to learn you won an appeal you didn’t even know about that’s going to get you over 20 grand. Tom didn’t want to tell me until he knew the outcome, but he hired a lawyer from some legal group and that’s what the “phone interview” with Unemployment was really all about. Funny too, because just last night I was warning Tom that just like you sometimes have to fight for prizes to get delivered to you when you win sweeps and contests, you have to fight the government as well. I knew they would do everything in their power to string things along or deny us all together with or without being so overwhelmed with tons of claims, but especially with all the extra claims. That’s exactly what happened a while ago and Tom was right to keep his mouth shut about it since I would have worried even more. Maybe we should have appealed Oregon’s decision, but we weren’t in a position to hire a lawyer back then.

You know, if the fucking government would stop giving so much of our money away, it wouldn’t be so overwhelmed when it came to taking care of its own. We shouldn’t have to fight for this shit. I’m glad we won, of course, but sometimes I wish we weren’t from here or at least not white.

The lawyers, who win 95% of their cases, agreed to work on a contingency and only get money if they won the case. Well, they won! Our wonderful government was going to stiff us probably because he maxed out the system and was owed the most you can get per week on Unemployment here which is $450. Plus, there’s the stimulus part of it to be factored in that you can’t get unless you’re getting Unemployment (guess there are two types of stimulus deals). He was so relieved to win because if he’d lost, he’d have to get one of those $15 jobs with Amazon or something like that and risk getting sick and maybe even dying.

Instead of having to go to work and possibly die for it, we’re going to get more than when he was working, believe it or not, for the next 6 months, since he’s unlikely to return to work anytime soon. We actually have to be careful not to make too much money otherwise we could lose it. That’s a first! Yeah, having to be careful not to make too much is a refreshing breath of fresh air. I’m still in shock.

It’s weird because it’s like where the economic crisis damn near killed us, this pandemic is causing us to profit. I just hope there isn’t some nasty catch to it we can’t see. Like how we were blown out of our minds to get such a great offer on the Phoenix house only to eventually leave me wondering if something up there only had us get such a great offer because it knew we’d need the money fighting to get into the new place with the way they kept fucking up on us and then the legal bullshit that soon followed. Well, hopefully there’s nothing sitting up there saying, “I better have them win a decent amount because they’re going to need it when I get done picking on her health.”

As it is, taking care of my teeth is going to be more expensive than we thought but I’m pretty confident that going with a root canal is likely to be my best bet in the end. I don’t know what kind of pain I may be in for but if I don’t do anything at all, I’m guaranteed to get infected again.

Even getting a pull costs more money than we thought. That would be around $500, and that office is closed now. They’re only doing emergencies where they simply pull the tooth with Novocain and nothing else. They said they would rather not pull the tooth at all, and recommended the root canal, so we trust their judgment and that it must be the best thing for me since they lose money by saying they would rather not pull it.

The bad news is that it’s going to cost around $1,600 for a root canal. Dixie said she’s had three of them and that they weren’t as bad as she thought, just expensive. Looks like I’ll probably be able to get nitrous oxide too, but it won’t be just one appointment like Dana told me over the phone. I go in Monday morning for a consultation before the actual procedure. They could have gotten me in this afternoon, but Tom explained I couldn’t make it due to my sleep disorder which the person he spoke with probably didn’t get. The doctor would know what it is but I’m not so sure about those that answer the phone. Doesn’t matter, though. I get in when I can get in.

Anyway, we have to pay half up front and they’ll accept payments for the other half.

I was doubly annoyed, though, because the doctor is male and has a name that appears to be Middle Eastern or Indian because they have the accents from hell. Really tired of having to deal with foreigners who don’t want to conform to the American accent or at least try to! I’m fucking American, so why would I want an Indian treating me?

But then I looked the guy up, and despite his name, he’s from Canada. So that should be easier to understand even if it still wears a dick between its legs. Personally, as long as they do the job right, they can have whatever body parts they want and be from wherever. I just want to be able to understand what the hell they’re saying and have them be competent.

Anyway, we’re relieved and happy about the settlement in which the lawyers will only get $1,700. We’re guessing the payments will start coming at the end of the month. It’ll amount to nearly 30K in half a year and that’s a lot for us! I’d love to take the money and run to Florida but there’s no way we can put the house on the market with this fucking pandemic going on that seems to have no end in sight anytime soon. I still worry about being trapped here, so I hope Tom is right when he says they’ll have a vaccine around the time we’re ready to move.

I’m still a little worried about the lump in my neck as well as my nails, but not so worried about my female parts.

I removed the nail polish I swore I wouldn’t bother with for the rest of the year and my nails still look like shit. But maybe it’s more than just nail polish, though. Given that I’m also getting a band of redness under my wedding band, I’m starting to wonder if it’s some kind of contact allergy and if it’s some product I’ve been using that’s causing it. This could be anything from my tea tree mint shampoo to conditioner to different lotions. At least this isn’t in a sensitive spot and I only feel a bit of irritation. Nothing even close to maddening in any way.

I was surprised to learn that by age 50 most people have lost a total of 12 teeth, including their wisdom teeth. By age 75, 26% of people have lost all their teeth. I didn’t know this! So I guess I’m kind of normal after all since I’ve lost 7 so far. Those are the ones I’ve had pulled. This doesn’t count the bridge, the few crowns I have, and the root canal I’m about to get. One of the pulls, though, was an impacted baby tooth.

Aly told me she didn’t care for her teeth very well when she was younger and believes that steroids and other prescription drugs damaged her teeth. It was $2,400 for her upper dentures. She has a few missing teeth down below but nothing worth getting crowns or bridges for yet. She misses her real teeth.

I’ve had lots of pets, yet none have ever or will ever make the impression on us that Tinkerbell made. She was truly extraordinary in every sense of the word. Despite my anxieties over my teeth and my relief over the appeal, I’ve shed some tears for her tonight. I still miss her so much and I feel so guilty about the way she died and having to suffer under the shitty circumstances we were in at the time. If Tom’s belief is right about there being an afterlife where we’re reunited with our pets, I hope she’ll forgive me for the way I handled her in the end, even though I would think most people would understand.

Even though I told Alyssa I wouldn’t send any more messages since she clearly didn’t want any kind of friendship with me, which is her right, I decided that since it’s highly unlikely she’s even picking up my messages (and this is true since she could always disable notifications) I would use our Messenger chat for a voice journal. I won’t discuss anything too private, of course. It just amuses me to think of the very, very, very off-chance that she may actually hear them. Or maybe even her kid or future grandkids someday. Most likely no one will ever hear them but until voice blogging is as common as text blogging, why not use it for that?

My first-ever homemade scalloped potatoes are in the cooker now. Was a bit of time and work to make but I didn’t mind. The mandolin saved some time, though. The ingredients came today, and I swear this is the biggest onion I ever did see! Didn’t use most of it.

TUESDAY, MAY 12, 2020 Oh, gross! Gross, gross, gross. Tom has a big old ugly wart on the back of his head which I’ve been treating for him with this stuff that stinks like hell. So I ran into the bedroom and shut the door and turned on the fragrant wax warmer. Hopefully, the iced mocha latte will override that strong yucky chemical smell soon.

The government is still stringing us along, which is no surprise at all to me. I still think they’re going to turn us down. Why take care of your own when you can send billions to other countries?

We’re having March weather now in the 70s, but it was still nice. It was warm in the sun but there was a strong breeze to keep you from getting too hot. We went bike riding. The only thing I didn’t like was dirt and whatever being blown into my eyes because of the wind. It made riding a little tough depending on which direction we were going but it was still fun.

I now have two people who have told me root canals were painful. Aly said that if it was up to her she would get the tooth pulled because there would be less pain and less recovery time.

It seems it really depends on the person and the tooth. My last molar was a nightmare, partly thanks to the fucking county cock that did it. I did some research and found a mix of opinions. Some said root canals were tough and others said it was no big deal. This may sound funny but pain after the fact is easier to deal with than before the fact. If I’m in pain because something’s wrong, it seems harder on me than pain caused by something that was fixed.

I called the dentist and updated Vicky. Not long afterward, Dana called. I know that a dentist’s main objective is to save teeth whenever possible, and she told me she had a root canal when she was 11 and has never had a problem with it and is now 55. I was blown away to learn of her age since I really thought she was around 40. She said most root canals are successful but yes, every now and then they do fail. She said having it done was no big deal.

So she and the dentist strongly recommend going with a root canal and that’s what we’re leaning toward but I’m going to call tomorrow and get additional information. Meanwhile, my infection is 95% better and I won’t need a second round of antibiotics. They’ll stay in my system for about 30 days. Took my last dose early in my day.

MONDAY, MAY 11, 2020 Went bike riding together for a quick but fun ride. We covered nearly a mile and a half, and our top speed was close to 15 miles an hour.

We’re having a cool spell and are only expected to get up to 69 degrees tomorrow. We had some rain tonight as well.

Been hearing more car stereos and motorcycles around here and even some commercial planes. The planes are likely due to the weather. Only heard 2 or 3, though.

Tom made us much better masks out of old T-shirts. Instead of going around the ears, you tie it in back. Much more comfortable! I have an old balaclava I was going to cut the crown out of and sew the mouthpiece of but then decided not to bother. Besides, that thing is made of knitting. They recommend cotton.

Tom asked me which I would choose if they both cost the same…a root canal or for them to just pull the tooth. Well, I suppose I would take the root canal since the other option could lead to more potential trouble than the root canal. I just wish I didn’t have to have anything! As soon as one problem goes away, I get another, and it’s always one fucking thing after another.

I get sick of seeing certain people like Kim that are nothing but selfish, lazy pests that never have a goddamn problem in life other than an occasional cold. You can take that health, I reminded myself, remembering certain spells I cast upon some people, but I swore I would never do that again. Karma would only bite my ass tenfold. Besides, I have no way to know what would happen and no way to call it off if I wanted to. She would get something, but would that be just a few more colds than usual or something serious? It’s not like I want her to get really sick and die or anything like that. But come on! I don’t care that life is supposed to be unfair. I have atresia, asthma, allergies, a sleep disorder, shitty teeth, a dead thyroid, high cholesterol and blood pressure, plus I’ve been through a million other things and all she has is extra weight? Well, fuck that shit. Get ready to do a little suffering because just thinking about it is going to make me pissed off enough to change that even if I didn’t want to. I mean, I know I shouldn’t want to. I should just be happy that she’s healthy and probably will be for many more years to come, right?

I’m mostly worried about money and pain, especially the pain since I’m not one of the lucky ones to get many breaks in life. I’m tired of suffering. I don’t know that it would be that easy to get a dentist willing to at least give me laughing gas for a root canal. A chill pill, sure. But are there many who would be willing to go as far as IV sedation or at least laughing gas for a root canal? Well, Tom is going to find out Wednesday. When I get up tomorrow and take my last penicillin, I’m going to call my dentist and let her know that while I’ve definitely improved, I’m still having sensitivity when I eat, especially if it’s not something soft.

Wednesday, Tom will call the oral surgeon she recommended and find out about costs, sedation, etc. I’m glad he’s okay with being the one to call because I may forget or not think to ask about certain things that might be important.

Definitely have some kind of lump or mass on the side of my left booby, but I’m not worried about it. I suppose most people would be freaking out over it and maybe I would have 20 years ago. Then again, I did have a pea-sized lump in that same breast but in a different area while we were in Oregon that eventually disappeared. I guess that’s part of why I’m not freaking out over it along with the fact that most of us don’t freak out as easily when we get older. Maybe another part of it is just gut instinct. My intuition says it’s nothing serious. If I’ve got my facts straight, most lumps, bumps and masses are benign. I know it could end up being a big deal later on down the road, but for now, I’m not worried. I just want to focus on surviving this pandemic and getting the hell out of here.

Tom reminded me that I could get a mammogram anytime, and I know that but that’s not the problem. Testing isn’t what worries me. It’s the off-chance of being told what I don’t want to hear when we’re trying to get out of here that I have a problem with. I still say I wouldn’t find out anything bad despite having a family history of it, being busty and just a little bit overweight, along with a few other risk factors. But just in case, I would rather get out of here or at least die trying, LOL. I don’t want to deal with anything serious that may require tons of appointments and treatment until we’re out of here and settled wherever, assuming I ever did have problems and didn’t choose to ignore them. I already have enough appointments and things to do between my teeth, ENT and regular things like that. My ENT is next month. Don’t know how helpful she can really be since the thing is basically going to torture me for most of my life anyway. I really think the bulk of my problem has to do with damaged nerves and possibly inner ear tubes more so than TMJ, dead skin shedding in the canal, or anything else.

I was watching a Lifetime movie where a woman was diagnosed with HPD. I’ve never heard of it before and when I looked it up, I immediately thought of the termites and a few online trolls from the past. They seem to have some of the symptoms. It’s the bipolars and those with Asperger’s that I’ve had the most problems with. Intense and constant mood swings are one thing, but it takes things to a whole new level when you deal with those who are extremely paranoid and accusatory like Lisa and Marie. Then again, Lori on Facebook has Asperger’s and she’s never been a problem like her cousin who also has it that damn near wanted to take my head off for declining her request for a texting buddy. I turned her down because I didn’t have the desire to have more than the few texting buddies I already had, and I knew she would overwhelm me with tons of senseless, silly, rambling and repetitious messages. Furthermore, I never felt any real connection with her. She always came off as both unintelligent and uninteresting. I may not be the brightest, sanest person on earth, but there are limits to what I’m willing to put up with. I guess it’s kind of like associating with someone who’s had a speeding ticket as opposed to someone who’s been convicted of a violent crime. Anyway, she took it all wrong when I politely told her I didn’t have much time for texting. She took “no” as a personal insult and attack against her, and I finally had to delete her.

I get that some people would consider me narrow-minded and a bit cold-hearted, but I do understand that most of them can’t help the way they are. I just also believe that one should have the right to be selective. Just like it’s okay to be picky about who we’re intimate with or who we date or marry, it’s okay to be picky about who we’re friends with as well.

Etta, Bill’s sister, has a couple of accounts on Facebook. I’ve messaged both warning her to be careful of Tammy and her equally mean and crazy offspring, and included the link to my blog. My hope is that she’ll alert the termite to it. Honestly, though, I don’t even know that she’s seen the messages. I’ve messaged her before so she’s either not getting them or ignoring them.

Been having fun creating a recipe board on Pinterest and finding different things I want to try. I picked out some things I knew Tom would like. Because he hates so many different things, I can’t include him in many of the recipes. He’ll gladly eat the next one I’m going to try and surprise him with when we get groceries delivered on Wednesday and that’s going to be creamy scalloped potatoes. Potatoes are the only vegetable he’ll eat, and bananas are the only fruit he’ll eat. He wouldn’t dare touch fish or seafood either. He loves carbs, processed foods, and basically everything that’s bad for you, LOL.

I tried to get Molly’s Facebook link, but instead, she asked for mine. So “Penny” made up some story about thinking of making an account in a bogus name because of her ex.

I’ve always known Molly was stuck on herself, but she’s proven all the more to be the selfish emotional shitstorm she’s always been by never reaching out to Penny first. She only communicates with Penny if Penny does it first. Guess that means Penny doesn’t have to worry about being stalked by her! I think she’s busy being fixated on the usual people anyway. She’s still pretty hung up on Roman and Josh. But hey, at least she always responds.

She also brings up her attack regularly and wonders if her life would be different and if she would have ended up in Marbridge had she not been attacked. I think the way she is has a lot more to do with it than just being attacked. I think she’s naturally fucked in the head. She’s just a natural emotional firestorm. If it wasn’t being attacked she uses as a crutch, it would be something else. Even she admitted she’s a very emotional person. She’s always got something to cry about or to be pissed off about.

Had a dream that we were moving only it didn’t make sense because it was just an hour’s drive away.

Then I had a dream I was driving alongside a steep mountainside. I don’t know where I was going but Tom and I felt I would be safe and feel comfortable enough since I would be traveling on the same road the whole time with no chance of getting lost and very little traffic.

Along the way, I was frustrated because I eventually ended up with someone in front of me who was driving too slow that I couldn’t pass. Then they made like they were pulling off at the side of the road much to my relief, but then they jumped back out in front of me. I could see two people in the passenger seat. I was worried they would hold me up the entire way but then they zoomed ahead quickly.

SUNDAY, MAY 10, 2020 Right now I’m multitasking between listening to my audiobook, watching a movie, and now writing.

Oh, I’m sure I should add worrying as well. Will the weeks turn into months and then into years like when the economy collapsed? I’m guessing no and that they’ll have a vaccine by then. I sure hope so! At least this time we’ll have some money even if it may not be enough. They could take away our unemployment as they did in 2011, but they can’t take our retirement.

Yesterday was annoying with not one but two people using circular saws somewhere in the park. I don’t know if Dahl simply moved out of view after he’d saw something or if it was coming from the house behind him but I still can’t believe how much I hear this shit here. Never lived anywhere like it before in my life. I realize that even if we could afford to go where my parents lived, things have changed. Things aren’t what they were in the 80s. People weren’t project-crazy (unless it was absolutely necessary) and coming and going with loud vehicles, including motorcycles back then. But I would be willing to bet just about anything that they are now. Still think we could get a place quieter than this if we went to another park but I also don’t know that I want to bother with communities ever again. Where there are people there’s always noise and I’ve always had a problem in just about every community I’ve ever lived in, adult or not. People just can’t shut up, so there is always going to be some degree of annoyance. If I don’t have the college kids and the welfare bums driving me crazy with their mutts and music, it will be the older folks doing regular projects. Even if the residents were dead quiet, these parks are obsessed with appearance and upgrading this and that, so the park itself is just as annoying. I would still hear things in a rural setting but at least those things wouldn’t be as close or as often. Because it’s Mother’s Day, I’m hoping no one will pull anything today. So far so good.

The meal I made in what I’m pretty sure is just a 2.5-quart cooker from who knows how many decades ago came out well but I’m not sure I’d make it again. The chicken and broccoli were great but the potatoes were kind of bland. At least he likes the potatoes and even ate some of the chicken too.

Going to be making a 25-degree drop over the next few days but it doesn’t look like it’s going to rain after all.

Not a single comment on The Landlord. Figured as much but that’s okay.

The term “social distancing” is kind of funny because if you’re distancing yourself then you’re not social, LOL.

“Just saying” and “I’m just telling you” really annoys me. I mean, no shit you’re just saying or just telling. Do these people think those they’re talking to are deaf or something?

Yesterday I was starting to think my tooth wasn’t going to get any better than it had gotten and I was even in pain after eating. Maybe that’s because I ate so damn much because I went hungry most of the day and was absolutely starving. Had to take ibuprofen too, but today I’ve noticed that while I wouldn’t want to eat anything hard or crunchy on that side, I didn’t feel as much irritation when I ate and then brushed my teeth.

I want so badly to send the termites my final piece of mind which are the journal excerpts I have on Blogger so I can delete them (assuming they haven’t seen them), but it’s too soon. I told myself not to be afraid of them. After all, they weren’t afraid to bully, stalk, harass and even threaten me. But I am afraid of them, not because I fear they could get me in any kind of trouble and not because of what they may find a way to say to me directly but because I wouldn’t want Tom finding out about it due to something they either end up sending to the house or because they managed to find a way to contact him online. I knew they weren’t very bright but I didn’t think they were dumb enough not to know how to find our address. But they could figure it out if someone didn’t tell them.

I just know how paranoid Tom can get. As for me, I learned the hard way that people only have power over us if we let them have it. So I wouldn’t be worried about anything they may do on account of me sending a link or the actual excerpts but I think he might worry a bit. I think he would be paranoid that I went too far and crossed some kind of line that could get me in trouble. In reality, though, I would never send anything even remotely illegal. Those threatening voice messages, however, were really pushing it. I would be genuinely worried if I’d been dumb enough to say anything like that, especially with my voice, but they knew damn well I wasn’t going to involve the police so I think that’s part of why they said what they said along with sheer stupidity. But yes, I could have hung them by the balls with their threats. Oh, they wouldn’t have done a moment of jail time, of course, or even gone to court or paid any fines or have to do probation, but it might have earned them a serious warning. The cops would have gone to their place and lectured them like the cop that came to me when Tammy defended her abuser about my threatening voice messages to him. Well, that’s all that would have happened to me had there not been an unknown warrant out on me.

The termites will hear from me one last time a year after we’ve moved and nothing can be forwarded to us. If I keep it out of public, they shouldn’t have any reason to know when we move. As far as they know, we weren’t supposed to move for another 4 years, if they can remember that. Once we get settled wherever we’re going and I know it’s permanent, then I’ll be willing to be a little more open about my life in public since we wouldn’t have to worry about potential sellers, park managers or employers. I would still be careful about sensitive info, of course, and sharing things pertaining to those I’m close to.

Ran out to Rite Aid and decided to take a chance going maskless when I had issues adjusting the mask. Oh, to have two normal ears! What annoyed me a little was the way one of the guys at the register was distracted by chatting with a coworker. I had to remind him that we wanted to leave as fast as possible. Got some mini chocolate chip cookies and merlot. I suppose we shouldn’t spend extra money unnecessarily but sometimes you just gotta have a life and treat yourself. The store was kind of crowded and I was surprised to see two or three people that work there regularly unmasked. Running in and out quickly is one thing but spending all day there? I’d say about half of the customers had masks on.

I’m a hell of a lot more worried for Aly than I am for myself even though we have a higher chance of getting sick and dying than we do of losing this place. She was the one who picked up Cam from the hospital. I was really hoping that Cam would insist she stay away and get a taxi, Lyft or Uber instead. She did wear a mask and gloves but I’m still worried because of how easily she gets sick. Cam has a brother in Colorado who’s also sick and might not make it.

SATURDAY, MAY 9, 2020 Making my first slow cooker meal of honey garlic chicken with potatoes and broccoli. Not sure I’ll like it, though, based on the smell of the spices it’s cooking in. It has a bit of a…tangy?…smell to it.

Switched the pigs’ cages and I am allowing Fuzzy to visit with Blitz. As long as he doesn’t run Blitz ragged by being too much of a pest or chew the liner, he’s free to come and go between the two levels.

Heard sawing AGAIN and went out to investigate but no one was in Dahl’s carport. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised. It’s EVERYWHERE here. He could’ve sawed something and then gone indoors, though.

Exchanged hellos with Jon. He likes the progress Tom has made with the yard.

Still worried about my teeth, our finances due to COVID-19, and whatever the lump in my neck is that’s sometimes more noticeable than others. Plus, I felt a mass on the side of my left boob. Pretty sure that one is just fibroid-related (those things that fill with fluid before periods), but still. My health really needs to hold up until we get out of here!

I’m also worried that my tooth isn’t going to get a hundred percent better. I think where I’m at now is as good as it gets. This means I’m no longer in excruciating pain, I usually don’t need ibuprofen, but I can’t chew on that side.

I’m so glad I keep a journal! I recently read an article about how our memories change over time. Not only that, but I’m becoming more and more forgetful with age. Everyone should keep a journal! I read back on the details of the county quack that pulled my other molar that got infected in 2011 and forgot a couple of things. That’s that he had to numb me four different times and even had to drill where the root connects. This confirms what my dentist said about antibiotics helping but not completely getting rid of the infection, and I can totally see where numbing agents would be worthless. This makes me even more determined to get knocked out regardless of whether or not I have them pull the tooth or do a root canal. I want to be as oblivious as possible!

The longer this shit with the virus goes on, the more I worry about worst-case scenarios happening. When I think about it, we could now be on a long, slow, tortuous path toward death, even though I doubt it. I sure as hell would at least like to think the end isn’t near, anyway. But then who does unless they’re really suffering? It’s just that when I think about it, there are a number of things that could go wrong. He could have no choice but to work for Amazon and get sick and die. Or, if he couldn’t find work anywhere, we could lose the place. As much as I dislike it here, I would certainly rather be here than on the streets.

Finally, I told myself not to worry about the streets because we’re not going there. It’s that simple. Just like the two times we came close when we first moved here, that’s not happening. I couldn’t survive the streets. I’m just not tough enough. That for sure would be a slow and torturous death for me, so we would definitely end it before it came to that.

A part of me wishes we’d gone straight from Arizona to Florida or maybe sought a more permanent solution toward getting rid of the problem next door (even if it might have been a long battle) and remained in Phoenix. Yes, they favor minorities that aren’t gay or Jewish, and yes, the courts favor minorities over whites, but at least the place would have been paid for ages ago.

Another part of me wonders about those who believe things happen for a reason. Could the medical trauma I went through be in order to prepare me for something even worse? Something like having to take my own life? I mean, I’m going to have to do it sooner or later unless I die before Tom does and I would definitely not be as terrified as I would have been a decade ago, but I would still be plenty terrified enough. Again, who wouldn’t be?

I swear I’m going to slap the next person that talks about free will and how we make our own choices and choose our own path in life and all that bullshit. I can choose what to wear today, I can choose what to eat, I can choose to walk out of this room and cuddle my pets, but I can’t choose the outcome of the situation we’re in. Nobody asked for this virus and to be affected by it be it directly or not.

At this point, I’m a little more worried about us getting extremely ill than I am about running out of money. Despite the fact that just over four million people have had it in a world full of over seven billion people, I would think that would be more likely than anything else. So yeah, I’m worried about whether or not we may get sick, our finances, my teeth, and whatever other health issues I may encounter. I don’t want to have to deal with health issues no matter what and no matter where we are, of course, but I would certainly rather deal with them settled in a cheaper place than here.

I realize that in some ways it might be better to die now than in another 30 years where I would have to endure decades of God only knows what additional shit physically and emotionally, especially physically. But self-preservation is a natural instinct that’s hard to fight. I also continue to worry about what, if anything, may lie beyond. It still makes no sense that there is an afterlife since we need eyes to see, ears to hear, and a brain to think, but maybe it’s like transferring digital information from one hard drive to another. Maybe there’s a way to transfer all those things from our brains in this existence to something else. I just don’t know. Personally, I’m still hoping for no afterlife at all. This life is enough!

Finished proofreading and editing my 1998 journal. Although slowly, I’m moving along steadily, making them as correct and readable as I can, and it’s filling some of my time.

FRIDAY, MAY 8, 2020 Another day, another water shut-off. Yeah, that alone is enough of a reason to want to move. Sick of this shit, although I shouldn’t have been dumb enough to attempt to do laundry during the daytime. Fortunately, the water didn’t go off until after my shower but we had to pause the washer. From now on, there will be absolutely no more showers, laundry or dishes running during the daytime while we’re still here since most of these “emergencies” occur during the daytime.

Tom assures me that Joy’s last complaint was not aimed at us specifically but at a lot of people because many have let their yards go. There’s one nearby that let their grass get knee-high. So it’s not a coincidence that the complaint comes the day after I complain anonymously about the middle-of-the-night motorcycles? I guess not since I’ve complained that way before and didn’t get counter-complained on the next day, after all.

Today is going to be 95° but in a few days, we’re going to drop all the way down to about 70° and get some rain, which is unusual for this time of year. I love the warmer weather when I’m awake but it definitely makes sleeping a bit uncomfortable.

The lump in my neck has been noticeable again. He thinks it’s just a weird muscle or tendon and I think it’s either a swollen lymph node or a thyroid nodule. Unfortunately, I’m probably the one that’s right. He didn’t think I was infected but I knew I was. I was in too much pain not to be. Broccoli is supposed to be bad for thyroids so once I run out of what I’ve got, I’ll back off and see if it’s less noticeable.

Yesterday was the first day I didn’t need any ibuprofen for my tooth. It’s still improving but very slowly. I can still feel some sensitivity if I chew on that side and when I brush my teeth.

Couldn’t resist commenting on a couple of friends of Alyssa’s that allow public comments. I don’t know, I guess the thought of her noticing it amuses me, though I don’t know that she has. She may have all kinds of nannies and other people to help her with that kid, but she’s got to be pretty busy. This is the longest she’s gone that I know of without changing her profile picture so I doubt she has much time for Facebook. The last change was in August. One of the friends replied that lives in Harlingen, Texas where Molly is from (I complimented her yard decor). Most of her friends are from this area so I don’t know how they know each other or if they’re related or not.

THURSDAY, MAY 7, 2020 Yesterday I only needed to take Ibuprofen twice and so far today I haven’t had to take any. I’m now able to brush the infected area as long as I do it carefully but I do still have some sensitivity when I bite down, and quite a bit of fatigue. So my body is still busily fighting the infection.

Since penicillin is a common drug, it was cheap at just $9.21. But even if I go with having it pulled which would be cheaper, it’s still going to be a few hundred dollars in the end that we really can’t afford to spend now, so I’m almost tempted to just get rid of the infection and hope it doesn’t come back. I still don’t eat unless I’m famished or close enough to it, and I limit where I go online since talk of food is as abundant as racism, if not directly then at least in some indirect reference.

We lost both Woody and the fish yesterday. :-( Since Rockefeller prefers his solitude, I’m going to switch him with Blitz and open the door between the two levels so that Fuzzy can visit him every now and then. That way they can each have some company. I’ll have to watch the food, though, with the way rats hoard and hide food. I won’t put the ramps down so that it’s a little trickier for Fuzzy to climb up, especially being older and fatter, so it won’t be too easy for him to steal many of the veggies. I’ll make a point of feeding Blitz mostly when Fuzzy is asleep. Fuzzy has a schedule, Blitz doesn’t. The pigs are sleeping more, though, as they age.

Dixie called yesterday wanting to know if I would be willing to go down and help her sort Diane’s dresser drawers, and since Dixie’s had limited contact with outsiders, I decided it would be okay to go down for an hour or so and I did. We chatted as I helped her sort drawers and she gave me a few things, too. Black sequined flats which are slightly big on me, a pink knit scarf, and a small colorful canvas tote.

Through her, I learned why we haven’t seen Jim. He’s moved to an apartment with assisted living.

So now we can’t even go a month without sawing or one week without the motorcycle in the middle of the night. If I wasn’t so hot and in a hurry to get back home, I would have confronted Dahl on my way back from Dixie’s about the regular sawing going on over there. Yeah, that’s the worrisome part…that he’s not as incapable as I thought. The guy in the blue truck wasn’t here. It was him doing the sawing. This has gotten to be way too much so I definitely plan on finding out what the hell is going on soon enough and seeing if they would be willing to move the saw to the other side of the house if they’re going to pull this shit every goddamn month and more. This isn’t the place for that shit! I didn’t come to an adult community to listen to loud power tools and motorcycles in the middle of the night.

The more shit I hear from people, the more the idea of returning to country living appeals to me. Oh, we’ll still hear shit with the world being so noisy, but at least it won’t be 20-50 feet away. People just can’t shut up no matter where you go. But if we can get a piece of land in Florida, at least when the neighbors are barking, banging, sawing and making the racket they do, it will be hundreds of feet away. I’m sure we’ll still be able to hear some of it inside the house, just not nearly as loud. The two biggest problems in rural areas are barking and engine-gunning. I don’t know why, but they really love to gun their engines out in the country. I’m sure there will be some degree of motorcycles and car stereos as well. But if I could not have to sleep with such loud sound machines, it would really be nice.

Unemployment told him it would be a few days before they made their final decision but I’m not very hopeful there. Between the government’s reluctance to take care of their own and the way they’re overwhelmed with so many requests, I don’t expect him to get anything.

Cam is now in the hospital. Aly said his fever got dangerously high and he was delusional and gasping for breath. She’s getting updates through his family. Today he’s doing better and is more alert. They hope to release him this weekend.

I didn’t have any bad dreams about Cam, but I had a dream Aly’s father died. Only she was living with her parents at the time he died.

Quickly scanned Molly’s tweets and she’s the same old miserable person who’s always fighting with someone where she lives. Plus, harassing a couple of guys online that she used to know. From what “Penny” could gather, she seems to believe she’s still friends with Aly, so they’re either keeping in touch elsewhere or Aly finally dumped her, was too embarrassed to admit I was right about her, and Molly’s too stupid to get that she’s been ghosted. I think the first case is more likely and that Aly “magically” knows that I’m Penny and that’s why she hasn’t created a new account to connect to her from there. For some reason, she’s very private when it comes to her friendship with Molly. She doesn’t want me reading any tweets from any account connected to her, and she doesn’t want to discuss her either.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 6, 2020 Little by little the pain is subsiding and I’m getting better but still have quite a bit of pain when any pressure is applied to that tooth. So I’m not out of the woods yet. I managed to eat one full meal yesterday and although it was agony at times, I was so fucking hungry that I really didn’t have much choice. An infection is painful enough, but an infected nerve takes things to a whole new level.

We cut the end off my mouthguard. It was never seated properly in that area because it was molded before the crown was placed there, and I realized that it didn’t need to cover that much in order to do its job and keep contact away from that tooth.

Not too long ago, I noticed I was having thrush again and treated it until my mouth felt better but by then it was too late and the bacteria caused the infection. The mouth is one of the toughest places to keep bacteria-free.

Tom learned that Bob has much deeper health concerns than I do. He was out working in the yard when he noticed him using a walker. He was surprised because he’s always been in such good shape, walking and riding his bike regularly. Then I thought about it and realized I haven’t actually seen him on his morning walks in a while now. Neither of us has seen Jim in ages either. I don’t even know if he’s still alive.

Anyway, they learned Sunday that poor Bob has a brain tumor and will be having radiation therapy. I’m hoping that since his doctor is willing to do this on a guy who’s 90, that means he has a fighting chance to enjoy a few more years of life.

I hate to sound selfish, but I really hope he doesn’t die before we get out of here. I do NOT want to deal with a new set of neighbors just a few feet away ever again! I know damn well that with my shit luck, they’re going to be outdoors all the time and God only knows how loud their vehicles may be. I would actually be more worried about that than them having an annoying dog since most people in the west don’t believe they should be brought indoors and therefore won’t bother bringing them here if they know they can’t leave them outside all the time. There are only two households with dogs on this side of the circle, Geri and Santa. Nonetheless, if he goes, she goes. I can’t believe she would stay here by herself. I think she would move in with one of her kids or maybe to some kind of apartment with assisted living. Plus, she once told me they’d be here till one of them dies.

TUESDAY, MAY 5, 2020 Wow, I’m really losing weight here. Yeah, it’s called the infection diet and it isn’t any more fun than the anxiety diet. I’d much rather feel well and keep my weight. So yesterday turned out to be incredibly shitty. Ironically it was the fourth, too. Went through just about one of the worst pain in my life. Not even my worst period cramps were ever that bad. With the exception of when I broke my arm, I don’t even think my ear surgery hurt that much.

We got to the dentist’s office shortly before 10 but no one was there yet. I began to get a little worried since I was in so much pain and didn’t think to take my phone with me. But at 10 on the dot, the doctor and her assistant Dana showed up.

So I waited a while as they set things up that hadn’t been used in several days. Their software did an update that fouled things up, so it took a while to get their computer system going. Then Dana checked my temperature which was 96.9 and had me use a special mouthwash.

I had been pretty sure it was the cavity in my lower molar that had somehow expanded and got infected, even though it seemed a little weird that I would get infected since my body is pretty resistant to infections and I take good care of my teeth. But I knew I had way too much pain for a simple problem. Plus, I’ve been having fatigue no matter how well I slept.

So they got an x-ray of that tooth which was also a problem because I’m small and they eventually had to get the kiddy paddle, a slide shaped like a paddle. They had to take a few pics because one of the roots near that tooth was longer and not fully in view.

The dentist looked at the picture and didn’t see anything unusual. Nothing seemed to have changed since I last saw her and she discovered the cavity. I was confused as hell because I knew that such severe pain had to mean something was up for sure. Yet she did a bite and air test along the bottom right teeth and I didn’t have any sensitivity to it at all.

But then she moved to the back upper molars and it was a whole different story. Like through the roof kind of pain!

So off I went for another photoshoot with her telling me that when there’s a problem in that area it is hard to differentiate which tooth is the real culprit. Sure enough, I’m in for worse news than I bargained for. Oh, I’m infected all right, but it’s not a matter of giving me antibiotics and then filling a simple cavity gone haywire. The root is dying, and she recommends a root canal. She started me on penicillin and said to let her know if I feel I need another round after my 8 days of this one are up. The reason they can’t do anything until they cure the infection is that being infected renders the numbing agent worthless. Guess that explains why ibuprofen has done me little good.

I was so pissed at myself because this is pretty much my fault. The root isn’t dying due to decay but bruxism. That’s when you grind your teeth in your sleep. Someone got lazy and forgot to sleep with her mouthguard one too many times and that’s what did it. I had no idea that bruxism could lead to nerve damage and infections but apparently, it can. I thought the worst it could do was damage the teeth but nope. So I’ve been mentally beating myself up for it. Yeah, I could really kick myself to hell and back!

Anyway, I was freaked out by the thought of getting a root canal done because I’ve heard such horrible things about root canals. Andy said they were very painful. Tom was quick to point out that Andy wasn’t a good one to go by, but still.

She doesn’t do major tooth repair so she gave me a referral to an odontologist if I decide to go through with the root canal she recommends since as a dentist her first choice is always to try to save any tooth that can be saved. Plus, she gave me a referral if I decide to have it pulled. This would be my eighth extraction. It would be a tough pull if I went with that because it is a molar. As long as they’re not impacted, wisdom teeth are the easiest to pull, then incisors, and then molars because they have double roots. I could end up with the tooth below it lifting since it wouldn’t have anything grinding down on it, but it would definitely be cheaper. Tom looked up the cost with our discount cards and it would be $200 to pull it and $800 to get a root canal. For a fleeting moment, I almost wished my parents were still alive because I know they would want to pay for some of this.

Another reason I was freaked out about a root canal was because of a documentary I saw about a guy who had one years ago that didn’t feel well for years and it was discovered that it was because of the root canal. The dentist knew the documentary I was talking about and said she hates it when people see that because that case was in Australia and they do things differently there and in New Zealand than they do in the US.

Dana said she had a trauma many years ago and fell and had to have a root canal and that it was painless and no big deal at all. Unlike bridges, crowns and fillings, it should last a lifetime. The doctor said that rarely do root canals fail. But then I did more research to find that yes, they can fail even years after having it done, and no, they don’t always last forever. I thought the entire root and tooth would be dead, but it’s actually only the root that they kill. The tooth is still alive and therefore could still be a problem in the future and get cavities.

I looked up a quick video on YouTube about the general procedure and how it’s done and read the comments. Most people did confirm that it’s not a big deal and a few even said it was easier than fillings. That doesn’t make sense. There’s a lot more drilling with root canals and it takes about an hour to do just one tooth. But that’s what some people said.

She assured me that the oral surgeon could use the numbing agent without epinephrine and all that but since that particular tooth has a crown on it, I’m even more tempted to just get rid of it.

Really, I need to find a better solution for these fucking teeth! I was born with bad enamel. My teeth have been a problem all my life and they will only continue to be if I don’t look at something more long-term like getting the molars replaced at some point with partial dentures. They just get worse with age and I could end up spending more money and putting myself in more pain if I try to keep up on them. If flossing and brushing religiously aren’t enough to keep cavities away, what is? Hopefully, I’ll never again have damaged nerves because I’ll never again sleep without my mouthguard. Last night, I had no choice but to go without it, though, because I was in so much pain from what the dentist did to diagnose me that I couldn’t even put the slightest pressure on that tooth. You don’t realize just how often your top and lower teeth touch each other until you’re trying not to let that happen, and with the guard, I would have to open my mouth even wider to keep that from happening. I was just falling asleep when my jaw began to close, and the pressure caused enough pain to wake me up.

She said that when I start feeling good is when it’s time to call the oral surgeon. I was in so much pain last night that I started to feel like I would never get better. You could have taken a hammer to my teeth on the other side and it wouldn’t have made a difference because I was in so much damn pain to begin with. I don’t think I’ve ever even had cramps that bad. Other than when I broke my arm, not even my ear surgery was that bad. Definitely just about the worst pain I ever experienced.

I haven’t been able to eat or even drink much, and I appreciate the weight loss and I certainly could afford it, but again, I’d rather just feel good and be able to feed my hunger. I had a piece of bread and sipped some OJ as well as an Atkins shake out of a straw so I could aim the liquid away from the infected area. I’m starving now and hoping I can eat something with substance later on.

Anyway, I haven’t made my final decision yet, but right now I’m leaning toward pulling it. Yes, the bottom tooth could lift and throw my bite off but if it does, then I’ll just have that tooth pulled as well. Pulling two teeth would be cheaper than one root canal, and I would be rid of that crown too, as I said. Pretty sure that’s the one that popped off when I was flossing. Both options have their good and bad to them. If I went with the root canal, not only would that cost more money, but since they would have to poke a hole in the crown, I’d have to run back to her to have that refilled. She is going to be reopening this month so I could get that taken care of if I went that route and she could take care of the two cavities as well.

I’ve taken a few doses of penicillin so far, trying to ignore the fact that one of the numbers on the huge pills is a 4. I took Doc O's advice and didn’t look at the list of possible side effects, but I did see on the bottle that it could cause diarrhea, even weeks or months after taking them. I’d rather that than something blowing up my heart and making me feel absolutely terrified or downright suicidal but hopefully I’ll be okay. I’ve taken a variety of antibiotics before in my life. This is the second time since the 90s. I was in way too much pain to give a shit about my medication phobia anyway. I told Tom, who has a phobia of dentists and hasn’t been to one since he was a kid, that if he ever gets this, he too would be running to the dentist real fast.

I asked about the laser and it’s actually a type of water gun. Dana said it’s a lot like that and it does make a sound sort of like a popping sound but the kids love it. That was comforting to know because I know that at least one of my cavities is going to be lasered.

Also, according to my research, the county quack who pulled my other molar nearly a decade ago lied. The teeth aren’t lodged in the bone. Instead, they’re attached to the bone by what’s called the periodontal ligament.

Anyway, I’m a little stressed out right now. I’m thrilled and relieved that I’m starting to feel a little better, but I have a decision to make and either one I choose is not going to be fun at all. Do I go the cheaper route that can potentially cause additional problems? Or do I take the more expensive route that can be a bigger pain in the ass but safer? Well, hopefully safer.

I just worry that this is the start of many problems to come that could delay us from moving. The more money we have to shell out, the more it could very well hold things up. He did get his first retirement payment, I’m happy to say, but still. We’re not getting nearly as much as we need to cover the basics, let alone dental issues, and there’s no saying how many months it could be before he’s working again. It’s like something is trying to deplete our savings!

Woody appears to be dying. I noticed he started getting skinny and lately, he’s been sleeping more and eating less. I don’t even think he’s been up in the hammock recently. He seems to spend all his time down below in the plush bed that I put in there. I’m wondering if he’s got cancer or something.

Right after I got up, turned the sound machine off, and headed into the bathroom after just 6 hours of sleep after being up 21 hours, I heard the motorcycle blast out. My guess is that as long as it doesn’t go by the bedroom, it shouldn’t wake me up. After all, it didn’t wake me up coming in. It usually comes in after midnight at leaves between 3 and 4 a.m. They’re rude fuckers, whoever they are, and I don’t care if motorcycles are their only means of transportation either. You shouldn’t be coming and going in any neighborhood but especially in an adult community in the middle of the fucking night.

We’ve been having Walmart deliver small orders every few days. I wonder what free goodies they’ll bring today. I love how they’ve been adding extras. The last time around it was 15 plastic food storage containers. Plus, they gave me two tubes of M&M’s instead of one.

SUNDAY, MAY 3, 2020 This doesn’t hurt but I have this strange throbbing/tingling sensation in the center of my left thumb tip where the nail meets the nail bed. That nail has always been the worst too, as far as the discoloration goes. No idea what the hell is wrong with my nails, but I have a feeling it’s not going away anytime soon and that it’s not a simple matter of too much nail polish.

Anyway, yesterday was the first time I didn’t have to take Ibuprofen just to sleep. Just when I woke up starting to think maybe I killed my tooth infection, I was in the worst pain ever trying to eat my delicious home-cooked meal of garlic tilapia and seasoned broccoli. It was so bad I almost cried out in pain. So I’m back to a mix of ibuprofen, ice, and this new mouthwash Tom got with analgesic and astringent in it. The only thing that really does me much good is to not eat or drink anything too cold or too hot. All it takes is something like that hitting the nerve since the root is exposed and it’s like OMFG! Tomorrow morning can’t come fast enough.

I haven’t noticed the lump at the lower base of my neck lately so maybe that was a case of occasionally swollen lymph nodes and had nothing to do with my thyroid. I don’t know.

I totally see what Christine and so many others mean when they say that sex over 50 is nothing like when you’re younger. If you can get in the mood in the first place, you don’t even get off like you used to. You do but you don’t. It’s almost like you start to cum and then your body changes its mind at the last minute. If this is TMI for some people, sorry! Happens to the best of us, though.

SATURDAY, MAY 2, 2020 Watched a quick video clip of the Huntington Beach protesters and I can’t believe how stupid so many people are. I really can’t. Fun in the sun is more important than saving lives, apparently, so I hope that every single one of these dumb-ass protesters gets the virus. You deserve to die and rid the world of your stupidity if you’re going to be this insanely reckless and dumb.

Anyway, I’m still having some fatigue and a whole lot of pain, but the good news is that my dentist is going to see me Monday morning. Still no fever but my fatigue and pain suggest the tooth is infected. Guess I’ll find out soon enough.

Sometimes I really don’t get Aly. She’s quick to discuss Kim but for some reason, she’s been very reluctant to discuss Molly and I wonder why.

Had a dream I went into some kind of fast food place, but no one was at the counter. It seemed the entire place was deserted. So I took a seat and started voice-typing some handwritten notes I’d taken, and eventually, a few other people entered the place. Together we tried to get someone’s attention, but no one was around. One of the guys in the small group gave me a number to call to see if I could find out what was going on but all I got was a busy signal. So a woman sat down with a magazine and said with confidence that somebody would be by soon.

FRIDAY, MAY 1, 2020 My teeth are still hurting like hell. The pain radiates along my entire lower right jaw and part of the upper jaw as well. You could say it’s really struck a nerve! Going to call the dentist later this morning and hope she’ll get me in. Really worried it’s gotten infected. I don’t have a fever, but I do have fatigue even though I slept fine.

I took a 45-minute nap though I’m not sure I actually fell asleep. After I finish this entry I’m going to have to lie down again.

I also got an automated call to call a number from Dignity Health I’ve never seen before and to provide the code they give. I called the number and it does go to Dignity. They probably want to get on my ass for not going to the GYN. Or maybe not. After listening to it again and the fact that it’s a toll-free number, I’m thinking it must have to do with our new insurance.

Anyway, between the ibuprofen and possible infection, I’m tired today but I don’t have anything that requires me to be more physical than usual planned for today. I went on a 15-minute bike ride and if I have the energy for it, I’ll ski later on while I watch TV. Of course I saw a skunk, too. It could have been a cat since we do have some roaming around, but I don’t think so. It was running by Lawrence’s place.

Instead of being up a pound, I found I was down half a pound when I got up. I was a little surprised since I did have some processed things yesterday and around the usual 1500 calories I naturally tend to have most days. It could be because of the extra activity. My total exercise time yesterday added up to just over an hour.

I trimmed the pigs’ nails yesterday since they were getting long and curvy. I only did the front paws as that’s pretty much all that was needed. I could have cut them a little shorter but didn’t want to risk getting too close to the quick and springing a bleeder and putting them in pain.

There was a huge spider in the kitchen yesterday as the sun was coming up. Of course, Tom insisted it wasn’t huge. Well, either way, it’s the time of year to bomb the place but where the hell can we go for 4 hours with everything shut down? Instead, he’s going to get some indoor spray.

Tom was looking into the prices and while it varies from time to time, it would probably be cheaper to have Candy shipped to Florida rather than get a new used electric car there. We got a hell of a deal on Candy that would be hard to find again, and electric cars seem to be more expensive in the East.

Cam has the virus. A reminder that if Tom were to go to work now, he could get sick. He’s been battling every symptom that comes with it for a week. Fortunately, he doesn’t have asthma. I wonder if it’s going to go away on its own and how long it will take. Really hope the guy doesn’t end up in the hospital!

[thefemeleon]

i know i have like six followers but honestly that’s perfect i need a place i can just say what’s on my mind no filters so worries i’ll get in trouble for being honest.

a little over a year ago i was kicked out of my living situation with a former “friend” of mine. i’m extremely lucky to have so much familial support as i was able to move in with my brother immediately after. it’s honestly all still a blur, thinking about how it all went down. i was so so excited to live with my friends, we had been friends since freshman year of highschool for most of them (one of them i had been friends with since i was 8 years old. i was 22 when i was kicked out). it was like a dream, two of us in one unit (me and the person who kicked me out) and three of us in a different unit on the same complex. it was supposed to be like a party all the time, and i was so excited to feel surrounded by support and love.

unfortunately, right before the move in date i reconnected and ended up getting back together with someone i had been in an on and off again abusive relationship with. my friends DID NOT like them and they knew that, but i felt pressured to ask if they could live with us regardless. and so they did! it was me and my ex sharing a room with my cat, and my ex friend in their own room with their two cats. it was an abysmal situation pretty much immediately, my ex and my ex friend hated each other and fought constantly. after about only a month, my partner moved out and returned to their home state. my friends were increasingly concerned about the nature of our relationship and saw the massive toll it had taken on me. they urged me to end things, so i finally did. i was devastated, crying for days and days even though i knew it was the only solution for my safety and happiness.

fast forward to the new year (i broke up with my partner in october 2022) and things were okay. i had been making new friends at my job and was so elated to have two groups of people that seemed to care about me and love me as i was. i turned 22 in february and it was one of the best birthdays ive ever had, even in hindsight. i started dating one of my new work friends, and she made me feel like i was part of something, part of the cool kid group. however, her friend group openly found my old school friends “cringey” and “annoying” and were constantly trying to separate me from them. in the meantime, still living with my friends, i fell into a deep depression. i struggled to take care of myself, to keep my space clean, and to clean up after my cat. my room was disgusting, and i will forever be ashamed about it. i never let anyone inside due to pure embarrassment. my cat was always fed, but i was not scooping her little box leading to her urinating and defecating all over the carpet eventually leading to me having to remove the carpet. my clothes were always dirty. i wasn’t allowed to let my cat out of my room because she didn’t get along with my roommates’ cats. she never showed any negative emotions towards me regardless of the poor care i was taking of her (and myself) and we were constantly snuggling and spending time together.

i could tell my roommate was becoming frustrated with my lack of cleanliness but i was in such a dark place it felt like i would never get out. one day, while i was at work, my roommate texted me telling me they had taken my cat away from me and given her to my friends in the apartment nearby. i was incredibly upset, my cat means the world to me and she felt like the only good thing about my life. immediately after i got off of work i went straight to my friends to beg for my cat back. i was an emotional mess, crying and hysteric trying to keep my calm but it was so difficult to see them all turning on me before my eyes. they told me my roommate had taken pictures of my room and showed them. it was humiliating. at first they were concerned, not mad. they did not give me my cat back so i was forced to return back to my own apartment empty handed. i blew up at my roommate. i’m not proud, but i felt pushed to the edge and completely out of control. i have suffered so much heartache at the hands of others my whole life, and the fact that it was coming from people i thought were my best friends was breaking my heart in two. in the moment i told my roommate they were acting like my ex partner, and they snapped and told me i had 30 days to leave. i returned to my room and sobbed for hours. in the following days i moved as much stuff as i could to my brothers house and had to take hours out of my own very busy work day (i had recently been promoted to manager) to retrieve my cat. i was so wracked with anxiety i couldn’t face my friends. in text messages they were calling me an animal abuser and telling me i was a bad person. i couldn’t understand the complete 180 that happened in the blink of an eye. my mom was luckily able to get my cat back, and that first night with her at my brothers house was one of the worst of my life. she instantly crawled on my lap and did not leave the entire night. i took her to the vets office the next day and they told me she was in perfect health, there was nothing wrong with her whatsoever.

i tried to move on with my life and find comfort in my girlfriend and her friends, but they ended up dropping me a few months later as well. here i am now, over a year later, without friends and no support system other than my family and my boyfriend. my cat is still in perfect health, and is living lavishly in a large house with space to roam and a consistently clean litter box. i deep clean every week, and i absolutely refuse to fall back into the filth i was living in before. but it still hurts just like the day it happened. i’ll never understand why, in my time of greatest need, my roommate decided to make a villain out of me. and then went on to convince my friends of it too. i was so sure these people would be in my life forever. there are places i can’t go anymore without extreme anxiety because of the chance i will see them. i have an incredibly difficult almost impossible time connecting with new people now, so i really have no way of creating a new circle. i am extremely depressed and often don’t feel loved, even by my boyfriend. i struggle everyday to keep it together, but i risk losing my job due to the amount of time ive had to take off due to not being able to stop crying and panicking. i feel hopeless and suicidal everyday. i had an abortion early this year with no friends to support me. i’m struggling in my relationship and have no one to talk to about the things i can’t tell my mother. i’m desperately trying to find a therapist that listens and understands but it feels impossible.

despite everything though, i’m trying to take everyday as it comes. all i can hope is that in the future, ill have friends and loved ones who care about me and love me for who i am, even if im struggling. im not saying im a perfect person, i never have been. i struggle with self hatred and feeling like a bad person constantly. it might sound silly, but this was a traumatic event for me. in a life with so much hardship this made me feel like i will never be happy again. i feel lost, but i can only hope healing will set me free.

i know this is extremely long and personal and i don’t expect anyone to read the whole thing, but if you do, thank you for listening. just typing this all out has been incredibly cathartic

[ducknotinarow]

03/07 MikeyVon - [🎁] our muses exchange holiday gifts

| SEND AN EMOJI FOR A STARTER ! ↳ winter season & holiday based

Mikey heard of the whole baby shower thing a long time ago it was mentioned off hand a lot in just all kinds of media he consumed mostly the chick flicks he would watch with Von and April during their girls nights. They both sort of filled him in on the concept and idea of it. Von's answer was of course very much like Von a very cut dry explanation on what the idea of one was. April's? sounded more sociable and fun like she been to one before. Which made sense to Mikey. Even if Von was human before she got mutated she never really lived a life like April herself has. Hell Mikey felt he could place a bet on the fact Von had even less experience with human like stuff than him and his brothers. Least they had some friends and even held parties like their Christmas get together a few years ago where they had guest from all over the place join them. Poor Von. Mikey knows she not the usual type to be seen as fun cause of how she comes off but Mikey thought Von was one of the most fun people to hang out with.

Long as she wasn't interviewing him on his experience of being a mutant. On being a battle nexus champion? oh sure he'll talk here ears off on that.

Must not be easy to feel connected when you also were sort of isolated from stuff like that for years. He guess that would explain her dry response on what a baby shower was like something she would never be part of. No different than when she FINALLY explained the whole butterflies drinking blood thing to him. It was all just facts and information she had. Though unlike that because she manged to squeeze out that more fun side of hers out at the time. Donnie and Von had been trying for a long time. Donnie mentioned his dream to Mikey so long ago and Mikey always felt like Donnie would make a great dad and well he felt the same on Von being a mother. Sure to some Von seemed cool and distance but Von was very maternal deep down as well. She was supportive, empathic and her love was always unconditional. She was kind of the first person Mikey told his confusions towards after all. When it came to how Mikey felt when it came to his gender.

Von looked at him like he was telling her his name, that sometimes he didn't always feel like a guy sometimes he liked to be feminine. Mikey liked to wear pink things, he liked make up and nail polish and indulging in things that may seem more like a girl would enjoy like the enjoyment of stupid romance movies. And not once did Von seem to think anything of it she kind of fed into it if anything and eventually? he found himself okay with how he saw himself enough to tell his brothers even. That felt pretty motherly to him? accept your child as they were and making them feel they can be that even? Supporting this idea so Mikey could find his grounding on the though? Mikey really did think they be good parents to whoever that ugly alien thing from the photo Donnie shared with them would end up being.

Which was why he may gone over board on the party planning. Feeling they had to cram in every thing possible into the one party alone. Look when else were they gonna get to throw a baby shower? Even if it seemed like Casey and Raph had a touch of baby fever themselves? he doubts they would let him do it for them. Raph might smack him for the thought. Might be way he was keeping his distance through out the whole fun. Mikey noted when he had lifted his head up from his bowl of water all three pacifiers in his mouth. Smirking brightly he was on a high from all his wins from the night. Meaning his brothers were going to hate him for the next couple of months when he would start to brag about it. Spitting them out hands above his head "That's right I aint just a battle nexus champion I am also a champion at all things!" Mikey beams happily when he eyes Von over on the couch with Raph. He saw the gift bag in her hand and let his beak fall open.

"Hey no fair Raph!" Mikey near exclaims on the top of his lungs over the sight as if he had caught the pair of them committing some unforgivable crime. Which they had in Mikey's book at least that is. He fixed them with a glare. "I can't believe you two! just cause he's your bestie Vonnie mean he should get to give you his gift first!" The orange banded turtle near whined before looking at his older brother "For shame Raphie, imma tell Casey!"

Ignoring Raphael questioning why he would bring this up to Casey Mikey took off to where they had set all their gifts up for Von to open later. If Raph could give his gift to her then so could Mikey. He decided moving to join them on the couch sitting on Von's left side now before he stuck out his tongue to Raphael. "Rude!" He switched his attention to the mother to be and smiling. "I hope you like it Von, I got help with it clearly but still counts as a gift I feel" Mikey mentioned as he hands over his own gift box, his name written out on the top of the wrapping paper to make it clear it was from Mikey in the first place. He seemed more excited about her opening the gift than Von might have and nearly ripping the paper himself but he behaved for the time being.

"It's a mobile!" He states when it was finally free from its container, decorated with sea shells, and sea glass strung up on old pipes. That being the bit he needed help with so Donnie knew what his gift was at least since he needed help welding the metal pipes for the framing of his gift. "I figure ya live by the ocean so it should be ocean themed oh and! for Donnie" He points out the small Ariel figure in the center with the prince of the film. "You just know Donnie's gonna teach her science and to love that movie so figure I help" he slightly kidding with his remark, well he might not be kidding at all in truth. Taking it to hold it up he gently pushes it letting the shells, and glass tap against each other softly to make a low little jiggling sound. "I shall some humans made wind chimes with the shells and got the idea from that. So it won't break or anything don't gotta worry about that. "Think she'll like it?"

[ruminate88]

Knowledge Is Power

So long I didn’t know what “narcissism” was. I had dated 2 men, whom, both broke my heart in a very confusing and nasty way. The first guy ghosted me and the second guy didn’t “want to break up” but whenever I broke up with him, he had zero emotion and already had another girlfriend… I was very very hurt and thought those two men were “toxic” the way they treated me BUT I hated calling them that. It felt so extreme even though I felt it was true, I just didn’t know why I felt this way.

Andrew didn’t want to break up and even tried to make excuses about it but his actions weren’t making sense or matching his words. He seemed not interested in me and everyone that I talked to all agreed Andrew didn’t love me. I was getting fed up and broke up with him but he wasn’t even the slightest upset. It was very frustrating and wrecked me. I couldn’t make sense of it all nor could I change things. Once I broke up with Andrew, he was already moved on and not the least bit interested in getting back with me although he continued to mess with my head for a summer.

To escape the pain, I rushed into trying to move on and I wanted a husband soooo bad. I met my husband directly after walking away from Andrew at the end of summer. I did not date my husband right away. We talked from October till December, then we finally started a relationship BUT Andrew tried to mess with me some more in January and I had to block his number!! (It was torture)

After that, I continued to talk to my husband till April, then we FINALLY met in person and was engaged in July!!! We got married less than a year later…. I just wanted to escape my past and all the pain from my 2 exes Cody and Andrew. I was so confused and wondered why I thought they were so “toxic”

also once I married my husband, at first, it was super nice and distracting from my pain of my exes but slowly that all faded and there was times I had a guard up with my husband or I reacted funny towards him. Never even realizing that my exes were narcissists that what happened to me was narcissistic abuse and that’s why I was acting so funny towards my husband. Constantly worried if he’s cheating or lying. Constantly worried to upset my husband when he’s not even upset at all, it’s just a natural reaction and thought pattern.

in the fall of 2022, I finally heard about narcism because TikTok started randomly flooding my feed with videos about it and it alllll made sense. Then at some point as I’m learning so much about what happened to me, I also see a video about how people have to “re-program their brains” after narcissistic abuse!! Wow 😯 Noooooow I understand why I feel the way I do and I realize that I’ve been critical of every little move my husband has made. I’ve opened up, let him in my circle and trust him enough to marry him but stopped sharing my true feelings and closed up. It’s all because I’m scared to get hurt again.

I’ve battled the thoughts, “am I the narcissist, is my husband a narcissist, is any new person I meet a narcissist??” I never wanna go through the abuse again!!! Now that I’m totally aware of my self, when my husband does anything to trigger me OR any slight shift in his behavior or voice, I notice it and I am learning how to calm down and trust him still.

it’s not easy and it’s not been over night. I’ve been married years now and it’s been close to 10 years since I met Cody but no one told me it would take this long to heal from a narcissist plus by rushing to get married, I never stopped to learn what happened to me or take time to heal myself before I met my husband.

3 months I talked over the phone with my husband talking about my exes Cody and Andrew. I didn’t know why I couldn’t stop talking about them! Also after I got married, I could not stop thinking about Andrew. I would consistently make up romantic scenarios in my head and I was ashamed. I felt so bad like why couldn’t I stop thinking of him, especially when I’m married to such a wonderful guy who treats me 100 times better than Andrew ever did. I had no idea about “trauma bond” 🤷🏻‍♀️ (Do you believe the narcissist puts a love spell on you???)

The first time I heard about “trauma bond” it’s like “ooooooh no wonder I can’t stop thinking about Andrew!!!” And it all makes sense but doesn’t make me feel great. I’m left now to figure out when do I finally stop sharing my story and when do I finally stop thinking of Andrew? I wanted to share my story for a long time now just didn’t understand what happened or why I wanted to talk about it so badly. Knowledge is power! I now have all the power in my hands to decide moving forward how to handle my feelings about my exes and I’m only learning and growing each day 👍🏻