#but today has been emotionally draining

[skoulsons]

“Ellie?”

She had kept herself closed off most of the day, doing as much as skipping meals, not sketching, and declining their routine movie night.

Joel turned the knob, opening the door only slightly. “Ellie?”

“What?” She bit. She was around the corner, still in bed.

He bit his cheek. “Can I come in?”

She sniffled, a mumbled yeah from around the corner to let him know it was okay. He entered, keeping the door somewhat open behind him. He found her on her back, covers pulled up to her shoulders as she stared at the ceiling, counting imaginary stars.

The look on her face was a sure sign, as any, that things were not good.

He sat by her feet, the corner of the mattress sinking down as he sat, her feet following suit and lightly falling against his lower back.

“Do you need something?”

Joel inhaled and exhaled. He kept his hands awkwardly in his lap. “I wanted to check up on you.”

“Why? I’m fine,” she grumbled, eyes still glued to the ceiling.

“You sure?”

She wasn’t. She knew she wasn’t fine. Every possible thought about Joel, Tommy, Maria, Riley, Sam, or Henry that wasn’t positive made its way to the forefront of her brain, twisting everything she knew about them. Making her believe things that she was sure weren’t true. Convincing her of truths that were hard to shake.

Everything is still so new to them. Young and needing navigation and direction. Their relationship and being together now, no plan in sight of leaving or disregarding the other.

She has someone in her life now who cares about her. Who has cared about her for over a year. Someone who dedicates every single day to being present. Who always makes breakfast for the two of them. Someone who holds her when she cries and who lifts her up even higher when she’s happy. Who carries her to bed when she needs it and finds her new comics when he’s outside the walls. Who protects her at every moment and encourages her to eat and shower when she struggles.

Someone who loves her.

And that revelation is what makes these days even harder.

“Hey…” he nudged, turning his body slightly more towards her. “What’s goin’ on, baby?”

Ellie sighed, closing her eyes tightly, waves of colors forming in the black of her vision the harder she squeezed. She opened them, her eyesight wavering as tears pooled at her eyelids. The imaginary stars on the ceiling kept her gaze, still avoiding Joel’s concern.

“Today just… hasn’t been good.”

And while he knew it, hearing it from her still hurts to know. Whatever happened, it hurts to know she’s struggling.

“I think it’s been little worse than hasn’t been good.” It felt inappropriate to point out her near crying and the tight-lipped expression on her face in an attempt to keep her emotions at bay.

“I’m just… having fucked up thoughts,” she sighed, tracing all the constellations she knew into the white of the ceiling.

Joel didn’t say anything. In all honesty, he didn’t know what to say.

Neither of them were the best at talking. Sharing something that pissed them off, frustrated them, or upset them and navigating that conversation in a healthy manner always felt like forcefully pulling teeth before they ever broke the surface of the gums.

Joel hopes his silence is an invitation for her to continue. He wants to help, to walk through what bothering her with her.

“I…,” she started, choking slightly on the syllable. “I feel like people don’t care. They don’t care, they don’t…love.”

Joel tilted his head to the side, eyeing her avoidant gaze.

Ellie brought her hand up and wiped it across her right temple. Her voice wavered, her lip quivering as she spoke, “me.”

Joel had an inclination, but hearing it still hurt all the same.

“I feel like people…” she paused, sniffled heavily. She lazily raised her arm off the bed in his direction, “you… don’t.”

Frustrated, Ellie sat up, her back making content with the headboard harder than she intended. She locked eyes with him momentarily before avoiding his gaze again, fixing hers around the room. Her dresser, a heap of clothes on the floor, her blinds, and the open door.

She stopped keeping her head upright and let the crown of her head fall back, banging against the headboard. She sighed, a wet, embarrassing laugh escaping her. “I… I know. I know you do. I do. But sometimes, I just… get convinced you don’t.”

She fiddles with her hands in her lap as her tears threaten to spill over, Ellie massaging her fingers and cracking her knuckles, even with nothing left to crack. She picks at her cuticles and nails uncomfortably, clearing her throat to get rid of the tight burning that has coated it.

“What convinces you?” Joel asked, his eyes looking twenty years younger—like he’s talking to someone else entirely. Like he’s held a similar conversation before.

His question stumps her.

And she realizes it’s nothing. Nothing has ever convinced her. Nothing could convince her that Joel doesn’t care about her. Nothing could ever truly convince her that Joel doesn’t love her.

He may get frustrated over something. He may be extra tired some days. He may spend a little more strength some days fighting his own demons that it’s hard to be there 100% for her.

But those things don’t mean he doesn’t love her. They don’t mean he wouldn’t lay down his life for her at any given moment. They don’t mean he doesn’t look at her with anything less than adoration, devotion, and appreciation for who she is. Who she is and what she has come to mean to him.

“Have I ever done anything-“

She cut him off. “No. No, no. Fuck no, never.” She threw the crown of her against the headboard again, a few tears spilling down the side of her face and flowing along her jawline. She hastily wiped them away, clearing her throat.

“I don’t know. I don’t know. I guess I… don’t think I deserve it or something. So I look at you or Tommy or I… I remember Riley or Sam or anyone else and I… I think they don’t—didn’t care.”

She knows they do. Riley—she knows. Sam she knows. Henry, too. Tommy and Maria—she knows. Joel—he she knows better than any of the others.

“I remember them or I…” she brought her head down from her gaze on the ceiling and looked at him, clearly, for the first time. “I look at you and I wonder why.”

She cries. Her lips pressed together, not enough breath in her lungs to combat the tears falling down her face and slipping down her neck, soaking the collar of her shirt. She wipes and wipes and wipes until her tear-soaked hands can’t catch anymore and they flow freely. She dries her hands on her sheets and it’s still not enough to catch every single one.

Joel moves quickly, his right hand lightly on her shin as he reaches his left out towards her, keeping it held right above her lap for her to feel.

She can barely see, and yet she reaches out, knowing he’s there. Trusting he’s there.

She grabs his left hand with her right, holding it until her knuckles turn white and it hurts. Until it stings and her fingers go numb. Until her hand shakes and the blood flow is cut off from her fingertips.

He moves his right hand from her shin to press a fist into the mattress on the other side of her, scooting himself closer to her. He settles closer to her, bringing his right hand up her shoulder and eventually finding its home on her cheek. He strokes his thumb across it, more tears falling as she leans into it. She turns her head into it, her lips in his palm as he continues wiping her tears.

He pulls his hand back from her face and brings it to her other cheek, sliding his knuckles across to clear the streaks of tears. He returns his hand back to her other cheek, lightly scratching at the roots of her hair on the back of her neck.

Ellie grabs the collar of her shirt with her left hand, wiping the snot from her nose and using any drier part of her shirt to dry her neck and chin.

Joel lifts his left hand to bring up to her face, but a mumbled, snotty no keeps it in her lap, Ellie still clutching it.

She continues to sniffle, finally opening her eyes to see Joel looking back at her, a streak down the left side of his face, right by his ear.

“I’m sorry,” she says, quickly averting her gaze from his.

He smiles slightly, rubbing those all-comforting circles with his thumb over hand. He brings his hand up from her cheek as she closes her eyes, using two fingers to drag hairs down her forehead and tuck them behind her ear.

They didn’t need to be tucked away—but the affection always comforts her.

She takes his right hand in her left, bringing it down into her lap next to their other hands. She watches their hands intently as she rubs circles on his with her right hand and he rubs circles on hers with his right.

“Hey,” he whispers, trying to get her attention. It does, and she looks up at him. The tug on the corner of his lips reaches his eyes. “You don’t have to apologize.”

“No it’s… it’s stupid. I shouldn’t be crying over something I know isn’t true…”

“You know it’s not true?”

She inhales a shaky breath and exhales one just as heavy. She focuses on it, keeping any other tears down as best she can through controlled breathing.

“Yeah. Yeah I… I know.” She pauses for another breath. “But sometimes it’s… fucking difficult. I don’t…” she hesitates, shaking slightly, “I don’t want to look at you and wonder why.”

She chokes, wiping her cheek on the shoulder of her shirt. She feels her back against the headboard and adjusts slightly, rolling her shoulder blades over it.

She looks up at him. His eyes still hold that twenty-year-old look. They glisten because of the tears gathered in them, and the loving smile that hasn’t quite reached his lips has already hit his eyes.

“I’ll remind you. Every day, if I have to—if you want me to. Even if you don’t, I might jus’ have to-“

She laughs—giggles—at that. He laughs too, the kind of laugh that resides deep in his chest. The one that sounds better through his rare toothy smile. The laugh she only hears so often. The laugh when he thinks he’s done something right. The almost triumphant laugh when he seems to have cheered her up.

Ellie smiles, watching his own unwavering smile. “You can, if you think about it. I mean, I won’t expect it every day. If you forget some days, it’s fine. I’m not-”

“Ellie.”

“Sorry.”

Joel takes note of her. The dried tears along her cheeks. Her red and puffy eyes. The way her nose is red. The soaked collar of her shirt.

He doesn’t want to see her like this again. Not over thoughts like this.

“Will reminding you help? You know… keep thoughts like this away?”

She opens her mouth to speak, but it hits her that she doesn’t know. She’s never been positively reminded, certainly not daily, that someone cares for and loves her. No one’s been constant enough to tell her the truths she missed out on as a child. No one’s stuck around long enough for them to mean anything. No one has ever loved her enough to say them and mean them. Nothing other than doubt, hesitation, or reluctance has followed such reminders.

“I don’t know. I think, I… I hope. I don’t know, I’ve… never had someone who did something like that.”

He doesn’t frown at the thought, but his smile fades. Sadness, disbelief at the thought, the truth that she’d never had this before. “Well… we can try it out. You can tell me if you hate it ‘n we can try something’ else.” He smiled again as he rubbed more circles along her hands. “Sound fair?”

She smiles, tears welling at her eyes again. One spills over, Ellie fervently nodding in response to Joel’s question before too many more tears follow.

He lets go of her left hand and opens his arm up, welcoming her in. She scoots into him, tucking her body against him. She lets her legs freely fall into his as she leans against his body, his right arm coming across her back and holding her shoulder tightly. She keeps her face hidden away as best she can in the crook of his neck and shoulder. Her right hand finds the bottom of his shirt, rubbing the fabric back and forth between her fingers.

Joel kisses her head, leaving his lips pressed into her hair briefly. “I just… I don’t want this to become something you know is true. Cause it ain’t.”

“It won’t. I… I know it’s not true.”

He kisses her head again, a muffled good reverberating through her. He rubs her upper arm a few times.

“Come here,” he says, letting go of her shoulder and standing up.

She smiles shyly, standing up and wasting no time to hold on to him, her arms wrapping around his middle and settling behind his back. She rests her ear right over his heart, the thump-thump drowning the world out. Drowning her thoughts. Her feet stand in between his, Ellie attempting to get as close to him as she can.

Joel, just like every time before and every time to come after, keeps a steady hand across her back and one behind her head, carefully threading his fingers through her hair. He tilts his head down, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head.

He sways them gently, covering her back in hand-drawn lines, circles, and a myriad of other shapes. “This is your first reminder.”

She giggles at that.

Something bubbles in her chest. A fire. Butterflies—as cheesy as she thinks that is—it fits. It tickles, in a way. It reaches her finger tips and warms her skin. It helps her breathe easier and keeps her heartbeat beat in rhythm with his. It slows her thoughts and relaxes her shoulder. It lets her relax completely against his embrace.

The reminder is there. The reminder of his care and protection, no matter what. The reminder of the steadfast, uncompromising, sacrificial love that he has for her.

[nerdnag]

shrimp philosophy save me. save me shrimp philosophy

[cuteniaarts]

Greyscale Midori sketch because I’m low-key artblocked

[awanderingdeal]

I just finished One Last Stop (I know, I know it's been a long time coming) and I feel like I've been pulled apart and shoved back together again and I just loved every single character and oh my god.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[agallimaufryofoddments]

Baccano! 20th anniversary, hahhh.

Whoever said anniversaries had to be one-day affairs?

[smores100]

#we’ve been living in a suspended state of repeated trauma partially because we were robbed of the chance to grieve #and then because of all the hatred and the violence and the other losses and tragedies that have followed for a year #and because 101 hostages are still in captivity #and here we are a year later and we’re STILL not allowed to mourn #we’re still not even SAFE to mourn publically #there are no words #it is indescribable how i feel about everyone who has done this #endless heartbreak #💔 (via jewishlivesmatter)

I have already seen a post CELEBRATING that tomorrow is October 7th. The one year anniversary of the day that over a thousand people were slaughtered, many more wounded and tormented. The day that people- MY people- were taken hostage.

I am going to put this as plainly as I can. If you in any way support what Hamas did on October 7th. You are a monster. If you in any way excuse what Hamas did on October 7th of last year, you are not worth the fucking air you breathe. We have not had a chance to mourn because the SECOND our blood was spilled, people started cheering for more, and instead of having the time to process and grieve all those we lost. Jews around the world had to turn and defend ourselves, justify our existence over and over again.

No more. I will not justify my right to live, to exist, to be Jewish.

We will dance again. Am Yisrael Chai.

[spaceyfuckinstar]

Wow, I am exhausted

[elegantdemoness]

Does anyone feel like if they just went here or did this or didn't meet this person or left in that moment when you had a gut feeling to that things in your life would be infinitely better? I wonder if there are other versions of me that chose a different life and made different decisions. I would want to meet them I think, just to see what they did differently. Would you?

[blue-jisungs]

making up with them after a fight ♡

author's note. minho’s one is so relatable to me i hate it sm :(( like idk sometimes i don’t wanna be touched but i have struggles wording it out and im afraid ill hurt someone w my reaction… <\\3 sigh… yeah, can u tell it’s self indulgent?

warnings. yn falls asleep in a bathtub,, pls dont do that!!!, cursing, lmk if i missed anything

this is a continuation to fighting with them!!

┆彡 CHAN [ 찬 ]

you woke up in your and chris’ bed, which made your stomach turn. he must have brought you here.

suddenly sitting up, you noticed your boyfriend is absent. did he leave…?

jumping out of the bed you rushed to living room and were relieved to see him in the kitchen.

however, guilt washed over you upon seeing him so… lifeless, hurt.

“hi” you whispered, clutching your shirt. chan looked at you and smiled softly, nodding his head.

“morning. there’s some coffee for you, breakfast will be done in a few minutes” he hummed and returned his gaze to the pan.

“chan, listen… i’m sorry i snapped at you yesterday. yes, i was tired but…” you hesitated, voice cracking “that’s not an excuse, really”

“i’m just worried, y/n” he said and his features softened.

“i know, i know” you hung your head low, afraid that tears will escape any second “it’s just… work has been shit lately and it’s draining me emotionally and physically… and i just…”

“hey, hey. it’s okay. i understand it. that’s why i’m here, right? to help you. but to help you, i need to know first” chan walked up to you, wrapping his arms around you. this warm, secure hug made you feel at ease “but i won’t be able to know if we don’t talk”

“i know… i’m so, so sorry. for snapping and for acting like an asshole… i’m sorry channie” you cried, pouring your heart out.

“i forgive you, y/n. i already did. let’s just treat this as a lesson, okay?” chan soothed you gently “let it out, baby. i’m here”

┆彡 MINHO [ 민호 ]

you and minho became distant. you began touching and kissing him less, head overflowing with worries each time when physical contact involved. eventually, you stopped. you just greeted him in the morning or after work.

and minho hated this.

he knew it was his fault because he snapped you. and if he didn’t do anything about it, your relationship might be on a thread... if it wasn't already.

so one day, when you woke up… you felt a soft kiss being pressed to your arm. you smiled gently to yourself, trying to remain calm. what is he scheming…?

"y/nnie�� i’m sorry"

you turned around, frowning. lino’s eyes softened but there was a glint of sadness in them.

"i snapped at you when i had a bad day already. and… it was one of those days when i just don’t want to be touched, even by you. it- it sounds so idiotic but i promise you, it’s not your fault…" minho started and you bit your lip. your hands ached to cup his face and– "i can see you’re thinking about it. it’s fine, i’m fine. no, actually i’m not. i missed your touch and kisses so so much. and i feel like an idiot because i’ve brought it on me but above all…”

he hesitated and tapped your finger. you nodded, granting him permission to hold you. in an instant, he shuffled closer and wrapped his arms tightly around you.

"i’m sorry i made you feel like that. i can’t even imagine how you must have felt, thinking if ill snap at you today too… im so… fucking… sorry… " minho’s voice broke off and you felt his body shiver.

"it’s okay, min. i forgive you, don’t feel guilty. just tell me next time, okay? i understand that on some days you’re feeling like you don’t want to be touched, i respect that" you hummed into his skin, drawing shapes "just tell me"

"i will" minho smiled softly, heart warming because of your words, kindness, and touch.

┆彡 CHANGBIN [ 창빈 ]

with a shaking hand you dialed changbin’s number, looking at the droplets falling in front of you. he picked up instantly.

"hello, baby?" he asked, concern in his voice. you took a deep breath, trying to control your breaking voice slightly at least.

"you… um, you were right…" you mumbled, sniffling.

silence fell and you were expecting an 'i told you so' or 'see?' but none of that happened.

"i’m sorry, pretty. i swear, next time i see them somewhere i’ll talk to them. i’ll pick you up, hm?" changbin asked and even though you knew he didn’t see, you nodded. your heart felt light that you didn’t fight again.

"i… um, i’m sorry. for being so defensive about them but… i was in the wrong…" a soft sigh left your lips and you heard a loud 'yah!' causing you to move your phone away for a bit.

"don’t apologize. i’m the one who should say sorry, truly. i just didn’t want you to get hurt again but… i took it to far, i said some messed up shit. sorry" chanbin’s voice was gentle and then suddenly you heard a honk. eyes widening, you saw his car "also i may or may not have already been waiting here…"

"dumbass” you scoffed, wiping your tears and going to his car with a smile.

┆彡 HYUNJIN [ 현진 ]

hyunjin entered the house, frowning upon the silence. your shoes were on the floor, dirty dishes in the sink, some miscellaneous items scattered around the living room.

"y/n?" he called out. no answer.

you weren’t in the bedroom either. hyunjin, growing anxious, opened the bathroom door.

he saw you sleeping in the tub, head almost barely above the water.

"yah, dumbass!" he yelped and dragged you a bit up, safe enough but still in the water. your eyes opened lazily, gaze unfocused.

"huh?" you blinked at him and saw genuine worry on his face.

"you fell asleep in the tub, y/n. i got so scared" he sighed, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear. he noticed your eye bags and it hit him like a truck: sure, dancing is his profession and he gets tired. but you, as a cleaning lady move as much as him and have to deal with other - usually assholes - people. you must be exhausted, even more than him.

then his gaze shifted to various scratches and bruises on your arms. you noticed it and smiled softly.

"it’s nothing, you know how clumsy i am. today i knocked over a broom and it hit my arm… it was kinda funny actually" you grinned but only saw sadness behind his eyes "hyune?"

"i… the thing i said the other day… i don’t mean it. i don’t think you’re just a cleaning lady, i shouldn’t say anything like this. and, it’s a bit stupid, but i realized just now… that at the end of the day, you’re probably as tired as me" he mumbled, voice small. you nodded, grabbing his hand.

"i won’t lie, what you said hurt me. but… i get it, you were tired and i got on your nerves–" you started.

"but i shouldn’t have bursted like that. let me take care of you now, hm? do you want me to wash your hair?" hyunjin asked, a cute smile finally blooming on his lips. you nodded energetically, causing him to giggle and place a tender kiss atop your head before proceeding to wash your hair.

┆彡 JISUNG [ 지성 ]

when he left the party, glad to finally be out… someone grabbed his arm. he turned around and saw beomgyu.

"what?" jisung grunted, looking at the stranger.

"dude, i don’t know what’s your problem but me and y/n were literally talking about you" beomgyu said, letting go of his arm "besides, i’m taken"

jisung wanted to snarl 'so what?' but the sudden reality hit him: he threw a tantrum like a spoiled brat and almost went home without you. beomgyu scanned his face suspiciously, seeing the gears turn in jisung’s head.

"y/n loves you, i can see it in the way her face lits up when she speaks about you" beomgyu said and shrugged, adding before leaving "thought i’d just let you know"

jisung went back, looking for you. it turned out you stayed outside, gazing into the sky.

"um, hi" he mumbled, sitting down next to you. you didn’t reply "i’m… sorry"

"that was fast" you teased, bitterness shining through your voice.

"beomgyu walked up to me. i acted like an idiot, i know. i was just… jealous, i guess" jisung murmured almost incoherently, shy about his feelings. you turned around and sent him a sky smirk.

"you were what?"

jisung rolled his eyes playfully.

"i was jealous, are you happy?" he repeated louder.

"it’s fine. just… don’t yell at me. and let me finish, for god’s sake. if you listened what i had to say, you’d know that we were discussing which guitar i should buy you as a gift" you explained and saw his eyes widen. you couldn’t possibly stay mad any longer at this boba-eyed quokka.

┆彡 FELIX [ 필릭스 ]

there was a doorbell echoing through the living room and you sent your friend a puzzled look. she shrugged and went to open the door.

"oh… y/n, it’s felix" she turned around and sent you a pitiful look. you just sighed, nodding. she let him in, scanning him head to toe threateningly, and left to her bedroom to give you some privacy.

"how did you know i’m here?" you asked, eyes avoiding his.

"(friend name) added a picture to the story that you’re here… so… um… i grabbed those and flew"

finally looking up, you noticed the bouquet of your favorite flowers in his hand. felix handed you them and sat down next to you on the couch, hesitantly tapping his fingers on his thigh. he wanted to hold your hand but wasn’t sure if you wanted to right now.

"i’m a bad boyfriend, aren’t i? even seungmin knew you were fired" he sighed with a sad smile "i’m so sorry. there’s nothing that could… be an excuse"

you took his hand in yours, humming in thought.

"will you work on it? i missed you. i know work is busy but at least talk to me, eat breakfasts with me… if we don’t work it out, i’m afraid–" your voice broke, not even wanting to say those words.

felix hugged you tightly, holding you as close as possible.

"i know. i will work on it, i promise. i’ll try to clear my schedule and we can go on a trip to jeju maybe?" he mumbled into your shoulder.

he just got a last chance and he wasn’t going to blow it.

┆彡 SEUNGMIN [ 승민 ]

returning home after three days, you entered the house only to see seungmin sleeping on the couch. the place was neatly cleaned, not even a single dirty spot in sight.

"oh, you’re back" seungmin murmured drowsily, leaning on his elbows "how was the stay?"

"good. why are you sleeping in the couch?" you asked, walking up to the fridge to put in the food your mom gave you. to your surprise, it was full with fresh groceries.

"i… uh, couldn’t really sleep well without you. i also have a thought about what i said and… listen, y/n, i’m sorry" he said "i really like your parents, i really do. i was just tired and… i don’t know what it’s like, that’s true. i didn’t consider your and their feelings… and i just hope your parents don’t hate me now because i’ll cry"

"i think they love you more than me at this point, my mom kept asking about you" you smiled softly, relieved to hear that you made wrong assumptions.

"just tell me a bit earlier if we’re going next time, okay?" he asked and you nodded with a happy grin "besides, it was lonely here without you"

┆彡 JEONGIN [ 정인 ]

"dude, what the fuck?" changbin asked, standing frozen. jeongin frowned "you were supposed to text eunjeong only to get the info about the cake, nothing more!"

that was true – they wanted to make you a surprise party because you passed your exams and eunjeong works in one of the best bakeries in the town, so they figured it’d be the best to text her.

"i got distracted… i didn’t know y/n would make such a fuss out of it" jeongin grunted and opened his phone to see your location on 'my friends'. he bit his lip, sudden realization hitting him like a ton of bricks. if he found out you were texting your ex… he wouldn’t be pleased about it either.

"what are you waiting for? go after her! and don’t spoil the surprise, too!" changbin pushed him out of the dorm.

in no time jeongin caught up with you, grabbing your hand. you turned around, wet stains on your cheeks. he felt a sharp sting in his heart upon realizing it’s his fault.

"listen… i didn’t mean any of that. but i need you to trust me" jeongin said, squeezing your hand. you hesitated.

"why? i trust you i just… don’t trust her" you mumbled, wiping your cheek.

"i know, i’m sorry. you’ll see soon, okay? can you forgive me? i love you so much, i just didn’t think it would hurt you that way" he added shyly. nodding softly, you tightened your lips into a line.

"okay…" you hummed.

hopefully the cake will be delicious enough to regain at least a piece of your trust.

masterlist <3

taglist. @primoppang ,, @l3visbby ,, @laylasbunbunny ,, @slytherinshua ,, @kazmura ,, @nicholasluvbot ,, @ameliesaysshoo ,, @weird-bookworm ,, @dazzlingligth ,, @litepowee ,, @ocean-minho ,, @lessthanpast ,, @s-e-s-a-I-e-n-e ,, @fire-08 ,, @eternalgyu ,, @haecien

[cognitiveoverload]

Craving (Aaron Hotchner x reader? Does it count?)

summary: Hotch shows up in your hotel room after the events of 2x19.

note: Kinda pathetic!Hotch if you ask me. Wants to be with reader despite still being married, but she says no.

After emotionally draining cases you’re usually a heavy sleeper, so no wonder you only wake up when the mattress dips in the hotel room you’re staying in. You jolt awake, eyes snapping open to see who got in the bed on the empty side next to you, and you’re shocked to see the man who wraps an arm around you as if it was the most natural thing, resting his head on your shoulder.

“Hotch, what are you doing here?” you ask, fighting the urge to bury your fingers into his hair to soothe him.

Because he’s clearly under the weather, and his warm breath smells like whisky as he rests his chin on your collar bone to look at you. “I don’t want to be alone,” he mutters.

There has always been tension between you, but he’s married, there was no way you would ever even think of giving into that feeling. Having him here, though, makes you wonder just how deep are his feelings for you. He’s not blackout drunk, he probably only drank like two glasses, but thanks to the vulnerable state of mind he was in earlier, it’s no surprise that it got the best of him.

“How did you even get in?” 

He lets out a sigh, then a small smile appears on his lips. “I have my methods,” he replies.

This sentence is followed by a soft sigh, but he remains silent for a minute or two, as if he’s contemplating how to say what’s on his mind. His thumb is rubbing circles into your arm, and while your brain knows you should stop him, you simply can’t get yourself to send him away. He doesn’t want to be alone, and there’s something he wants to talk about.

So, you wait. Rushing him wouldn’t help, and he’s stubborn enough to take his time opening up. Sometimes you wonder if he ever tells Haley about work stuff, or if he keeps it to himself since she has a lot on her plate already because of Jack. Either way, what happened earlier today definitely hit him where it hurt the most.

“It’s my fault,” he finally speaks up, his voice unusually quiet. You tilt your head to the side, urging him to explain. “I should have known, I should have gone there to see if I could help, now there’s a kid without a father and—”

You shook your head without thinking, a hand moving up to push his hair back. “It’s not your fault. You’re not a mind reader, Hotch, you couldn’t have known what he was planning,” you try.

“Aaron.” You let out a questioning hum, but he doesn’t answer, instead he moves a little to place a featherlight kiss on your exposed skin, followed by another, and another at an agonizingly slow pace. “Call me Aaron. I hate it that you call me Hotch too,” he mumbles against your skin.

“You’re my boss, I’m not calling you Aaron,” you point out.

“But we could be so much more than that. You mean so much more to me.” 

Before you can say anything, he moves just enough to be able to kiss you—a gentle, soft kiss that feels so good, but also forbidden. You cup his face, pushing him away just enough to look into his eyes. There’s a mixture of sadness and lust in there, but you know you can’t give in, you can’t let him win this one. 

Deciding that this is your best chance to set boundaries, you move past him as you sit up, watching the way he turns on his back with a groan. “For one, you’re my boss. And second, you’re married. Keep that in mind,” you warn him.

He loosens his tie and props on his elbows. “Yeah, right, a marriage that’s falling apart,” he notes bitterly. When you give him a questioning look, he goes on. “It seems like no matter how hard I try, I can’t be the husband she wants. This job is demanding, sure, but… I don’t know.”

“You need to sleep,” you tell him kindly, not having the heart to be harsh after what he just told you. 

This confession explains the phone calls that always left him grim, but you don’t feel like prying for more details. You know that he loves his family, what he just told you must have come from the desperation caused by the trouble at home and this recent case you just closed. It can’t be more than that.

Hotch opens his mouth, but he doesn’t say anything for now, he just watches you with an unreadable expression. “I’ll have to return to give the letter to Abby’s son. That’s the least I can do,” he suddenly says, lying back down, but he faces you. “Come with me.”

You take a deep breath as you watch him, but then you pick up your phone from the nightstand and put on the robe you left on the foot of the bed. “I’ll beg JJ to let me sleep in her room. Or I’ll take yours since you’re clearly planning to stay here,” you tell him. “I’ll wake you up in the morning.”

“Okay, fine,” he mumbles, his face already buried into the pillow your head rested on a few minutes ago.

[cheesecakeluver]

AT FIRST GLANCE

hamzahthefantastic x reader

ᶻ𐰁 ࣪ °⋆ when you arrive in Toronto, after three years from home, you meet with your close friend Mandy, who has a visitor that you know, at first glance, is bound to be yours.

———————-

As the taxi slows, i find that my stomach turns and churns in excitement. The idea that now, after three years, ill see Mandy again, after being apart for so, so long, enthralls me. We constantly facetimed and messaged after i had to move, for work purposes. Los Angeles was a great city, but once you really got settled and started to understand life there.. it made you miserable. Thankfully, my work as a journalist had moved me back to Toronto, and i could finally see my friends and family.

I retrieve my heavy suitcases from the boot of the car, thanking the driver and sending him away with a twenty dollar bill. I don't think i'll ever get over the price differences between Canada and the USA. I stand outside Mandy's place, which she shared with her boyfriend, Martin. Of course, i'd heard all about him, because as soon as i moved away, they met. She updated me on every date, every exciting occasion, and every detail of their lives together, including his youtube channel, whom he shared with a friend unknown to me, though Mandy constantly called him clingy and annoying, which left me laughing.

I knock on the door, one, twice, and then thrice. I see a figure moving towards the door, and i get excited, recording the whole moment with an old camera. I'd recently started youtube myself, and had had a good amount of luck, my first two videos not exactly blowing up, but doing pretty well for my first time. I see the figure head towards the door, and i shove the camera in front of me, my smile wide, grinning even.

The figure opens the door, and i'm stunned. It was in fact, not Mandy i was met with, who stood at 5,4. No, this was a nearly six foot tall, dark curly haired man, who looked like he'd just gotten out of bed.

"Uh.. who are you?" he mumbled, wiping his dark curls out of his face, pushing his rectangular glasses up on the bridge of his nose, his chocolate brown eyes widening as he stared deadpan at me.

i pull the camera down to my side, revealing my face as my smile drops. i stutter a little, taking a step back. Had i went to the wrong address?

"Does Mandy live here?" i asked nervously, my concern become increasingly evident on my face. I was never good at hiding my emotions.

"Oh, yeah. She said something about someone coming over today. Just didn't mention who." The man said, his eyebrows unfurling as the confusion fled his face, allowing me to view him more. He was attractive, and even i couldn't deny that, as i stared into his dark eyes. The worry wiped off my face as he opened the door wider, allowing me to step into the home, where Mandy was snuggled into Martin's side, a blanket over them on the couch, as i heard the nostalgic theme of 'Gilmore Girls' playing on the tv.

I smile, leaving my bags by the door as i hear Mandy ask whose at the door, until her eyes land across me. She screams, ditching Martins arms and she runs to me, hugging me and jumping with glee spread across her face. I hold her in my arms, happily.

"I've been waiting for you to arrive!" she says, pulling away from the embrace, still smiling so hard i believe it must hurt. "That's Hamzah, by the way, the one who answered the door. He's the one who does the podcast, and youtube with Martin" She explains, babbling on about what the boys did. I listened eagerly, intrigued, as she told me about this podcast, which i'd never known of before. She asks me how i am, knowing how hard Los Angeles hit me, leaving me emotionally drained.

"I'm excited to be back in Toronto, really. I've been wanting to come back ever since i left. Los Angeles was.. alright at first, but god, once you really get settled, and begin actually connecting.." i sigh, drifting off. The people that inhabited Los Angeles, were just not the people i was made for, and oh how glad i was to be back in Toronto. Back home. I look around, impressed at the new house they'd just moved in to, which now looked like a home due to the decorum, as i see dinner bowls lying around.

Martin cleans them up, putting them in the sink and introducing himself. "Sorry, we just ate.. probably should've cleaned that up earlier." he jokes, wrapping an arm around Mandy.

The whole time, the boy i know now as Hamzah had just been by the door, his keys in hand. i came to the conclusion he must have just been heading out when i arrived.

He jingles the keys in his hand, grabbing my attention. He looks a little nervous, his eyes darting around. "I'm gonna head out, it was good meeting you.." he says, finally looking at me, smiling, his hands in his pockets. He lingers on, and i catch the hint he wanted my name.

"Oh, y/n" i smiled, a little flustered as his eyes remained steady on me, a glint in them. I found myself drawn to him, even though this was our first meeting.

Mandy turns to me, Martins arm still wrapped around her. "We were just going out, for ice cream, if you wanted to join us?" she smiles at me, Martins arm rubbing hers and he stared at her, entranced.

I think about it, but ultimately decide against it, as i had ate the shitty food served on the airplane, and felt as though my stomach deserved a break after. That, and i wasn't in the mood to become a third wheel, especially as jet lagged as i was.

"I need to sort through the boxes as well, get my apartment into living conditons, but thank you guys, i appreciate it." i say, thanking the couple in front of me.

"Call me tomorrow though, we'll meet up then?" i ask, and Mandy nods, smiling. "Of course! Im so, so happy your home. Atleast now i've got someone to hang out with when these two are filming. Ooh, and maybe even double dates, and-"

Hamzah coughs loudly, interrupting her, and their eyes land on each other, and something, almost like realisation, hits Mandy.

I look between the pair, an awkward silence filling the room, as the four of us just looked at our feet.

I knew Hamzah had been there a couple of times when i had been facetiming Mandy, as i heard him and Martin in the background, but i never thought anything of it.

I pull my phone out, prepared to call another taxi, and head out of here, as i gather my bags and suitcase by the door.

"Anybody know how much a taxi from here to Parkson street costs?" i ask, breaking the silence

Martin speaks up immediately, as if snapping out of a trance.

"Hamzah, don't you live near Parkson street?" he asks the boy, who averts his gaze from mine, eyes focused now on Martin, as a pink blush cascades over his caramel skin, slightly covered by the messy curls strewn on top of his head.

"Yeah, i live on Parkson street" He replies, and i see Martin wink at him, before he speaks again.

"Oh, okay yeah, do you need a ride?" Hamzah says, eyes on mine as i see his hands fiddle inside of his pockets, causing me to smile.

"Yeah.. thank you. Really, your helping me out a a lot here." i blush slightly as he helps me with a couple of my bags, and our hands brush together, my face heating up, as does his.

"Really, you don't have to-" i say, prepared to take the bag, as he shakes his head in defiance, which leaves me to sigh, smiling as i do.

"I could see you struggling when you first arrived, let me help you" He says, picking the bags i struggled with up easily, impressing me as his biceps bulged whilst doing the action, causing me to stare.

Martin interrupts us, as he begins saying his farewells to Hamzah. I make my way over to Mandy, one last time, knowing ill meet her tomorrow.

"Call me tonight, and tell me everything" she says, with that knowing look in her eye, causing me to softly chuckle as i embrace her again.

We part ways with Mandy and Martin, saying goodbye to the pair as they began to get ready to get dessert. I smile at the couple as i leave with Hamzah, wishing i had the type of relationship they had, watching them laugh and cuddle and kiss. In my dreams i guess.

As Hamzah walks me to his car, we begin small talk. He asks about my life back in Los Angeles, and i tell him about my journalism and my small channel, as he told me of his podcast. He seemed passionate about it, using his hands as he spoke, and all i could do was become entranced by him. I had met this boy less than twenty minutes ago, yet already he had caught me attention, and by the looks of it, i had caught his.

"I originally started the podcast by myself, and did around.. i think thirty or so episodes before Martin joined. Honestly, its much better when your not just speaking by yourself, to a camera." He explained, hooking me in with every word he uttered.

"I guess i can kind of understand. When i film, so far, its always been by myself. My job as well, it gets lonely, because journalism isn't a very.. i don't know.. social type of job. Sure, I sit and write about all the things i love, but sometimes i just wish i had someone to talk to about my interests, instead of people just reading my words via a news outlet, or magazine."

i let out my thoughts, feeling slightly vulnerable when doing so. Hamzah watches me talk, allowing me to explain what's on my mind, and for the first time in a long time, i feel seen.

"Listen, i know we just met, but honestly, i feel like i know you already. I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to, even if its just about the stupid stuff." He says, a little shyly, rubbing the back of his neck as he speaks. I find myself walking close beside him, and we continue talking back and forth, all the way to his car.

Once we reach his car, he opens the door for me, and just when i'm strapped in, does he make his way to the drivers side, causing a feeling of warmth to erupt in my stomach.

Getting in, he sets his phone on my lap, smiling. "Since your a guest, i'll trust you to pick something good" he says, as i notice spotify opened infront of me.

It nearly made me melt, as i saw his recent listens. "Men i trust, Freddie Dredd, The maria's.. you have good taste" i smile, seeing some artist that we have in common.

I see him smile warmly, staring at the phone as i type my favourite song in, hoping, no, praying he would like it.

"Bags by Clairo.. you have good taste" He replies, copying me, as the song begins to filter through the car, and i hum lightly to it.

entranced by the music, and the feeling of content flowing through me, i rest my head against the window, taking in autumnal Toronto in all its beauty, realising just how much i had missed this place.

I feel Hamzah's eyes on me, and i turn to him, a grin erupting from me without my consent, as his curls fall into his eyes, and his hands mark the wheel.

We continue the rest of the ride in silence, the only thing heard is Clairo's majestic voice through the speakers, and both of us are okay with that. Upon arriving at Parkson street, i feel a little disappointed, missing Hamzah's banter and voice already, even though we hadn't parted from each other yet. I needed to get a grip on myself.

We get out, still walking close to each other, our arms brushing against one anothers, and begin walking back to our apartments, noticing we both strode in the same direction.

"Hamzah, what apartment number is yours? Not to be a creep or anything.." i joke, seeing his eyes light up.

"I'm 112.. what about you?"

I feel myself smile, pink flushing my cheeks, and not just due to the autumn chill in the air. We stop outside of his apartment, and he sees where my gaze lies, his cheeks flushing as well.

"I'm apartment 113” i say, grinning, our proximity exciting me like nothing before. maybe, just maybe this meant i did have a chance. endless excuses we’re running through my mind, thinking of ways i could interact with him on the daily.

He smiles, walking me to my door and setting the suitcases and bags in my doorstep, his cheeks tinted pink, and his eyes on me the entire time, looking me up and down with ease.

He smiles at me, one last time. "I'll see you around, y/n" he says, walking the two paces to his apartment, next door. My heart fluttered, and the minute i go inside of my new apartment, i jumped on the bare mattress, not caring about the unboxed suitcases and bags, picking up my phone and dialing my best friend.

"Mandy, i think i’m starting to like him."

---------------

[dirtyvulture]

Ceremony

Natasha Romanoff x Beefy!Sergeant!Reader

18+ only read at your own risk

Summary: You get some (very nice) awards for your actions during Operation: Avalanche.

Word count: 1834

AN: Reader has a penis, no pronouns used.

This is Part 4 of my Sergeant Beef AU, following the events of this fic.

“Why is all of this necessary?” you whine, pulling at your stiff collar. Natasha slaps your hand down as she fixes the medals and ribbons on your chest. 

“This is what you get for almost getting yourself killed,” she replies, although there is no malice in her tone. “Don’t worry. We can go back to my place afterwards and–”

“Finally,” you interrupt with a grin. 

“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” she chastises again, although you know she’s just as excited as you are to be back on your home turf for the first time in months. 

“How do I look? Would I pass your inspection this time?” you ask as she backs away from you, surveying you up and down. You’re leaning on one crutch still, but you’re glad that you don’t have to use a wheelchair anymore. 

“You look fantastic,” Natasha says, leaning in for a soft kiss. “Ready?”

“Let’s do it.”

She walks at your pace as you hobble out of the parking lot, joining the large group of people gathered on the lawn of the park. Most of them you hadn’t seen since before your deployment, which at this point feels years ago. Your entire team is here too, all of them crowding around you for hugs and handshakes. There’s too many things to be said but no privacy to say them in, so you promise that you’ll give them your time once you return to the base. Men and women with more medals and ribbons than you can count come over to thank you and wish you well. It feels odd being the center of attention and you’re not really sure you like it.

Peter Parker brought along his Aunt May and she gives you a hug that almost lifts you off the ground. She cries into your shoulder while thanking you for not leaving her nephew behind and you unexpectedly get a little choked up yourself. 

There’s also a camera crew from the local news station that asks you to sit down for a brief interview. You see Natasha watching you from behind the camera, a mixture of pride and worry on her face for you. She knows this event is emotionally and mentally draining for you, but she can’t be happier to be here celebrating your achievements with you. 

After the interview, you sit with her in the front row, you on the aisle side because you need space for your crutch. General Fury goes up to the stage and gives the opening speech. 

You zone out, hearing your name said a few times, but you don’t really care. Natasha nudges your knee with hers and you look up at her. She smiles bracingly which you return half-heartedly.  

“I would now like to welcome Sergeant Y/N to the stage,” Fury says, as everyone erupts into applause. You grab your crutch and Natasha stands with you. Slowly, you limp to the steps of the stage, Natasha hovering behind you carefully. You hop up each step, your face hot as you feel all eyes on you and you pray that you don’t accidentally trip in front of them. “Sergeant Y/N,” Fury says as you approach him. He is mindful to offer you his left hand so you can leave your right one holding onto your crutch. 

“It is with great honor that I present to you today the Purple Heart Award and the Distinguished Service Cross, for your bravery and actions during Operation: Avalanche. You did not hesitate to put yourself in certain danger to ensure your team’s safety, and because of your sacrifice, all six members of your team are here today. Thank you for your service and dedication to protecting this country, Sergeant Y/N.”

The applause sounds louder up here than your seat, and you stand tall as Fury pins your two new awards to your chest. Natasha is standing, probably clapping louder than anyone else, and her reaction makes you feel happier than the two awards you’ve just been given. 

“Thank you, General,” you say, saluting him with a tight voice. 

“Don’t thank me, Sergeant Y/N. I didn’t even write the speech,” he teases, standing next to you and posing for some pictures. 

***********************************************************************

After the ceremony, you skip your own after party to go home with Natasha. You give everyone the excuse that you’re tired, which isn’t technically a lie, but now you just want to spend time with Natasha. She brings you to her apartment, which is bigger and nicer than yours, but you don’t even have a second to revel in its familiarity when she pushes you into the bedroom. 

She helps unbutton your shirt, being very mindful of your new awards, taking it over to her closet to properly hang up. You can’t help but smile at how respectful she is when it's normally a desperate frenzy to get you undressed. You toss your crutch onto the floor, leaning most of your weight on your left leg while trying to simultaneously unbuckle your belt and take off your pants without falling over. 

By the time she comes over to you, she’s already naked herself and you can’t help but moan when she presses against you, skin-to-skin. She wraps her strong arms around your waist, helping keep you upright, leaning up to kiss you. You can tell she’s trying to be gentle with you, but you can feel her passion with the way her hands possessively run up your sides, skating carefully over the new, large scar along your ribs. Her nails dig into your back muscles to press you against her harder.

“Nat,” you whisper when you start to feel your right leg shaking. You know you lost some muscle mass and definition being cooped up in a hospital bed for months, but Natasha doesn't seem to mind. You're also embarrassed that you can’t stay standing for long, but Natasha pulls away to take your hand and lead you to the bed. You limp after her, immediately dropping to your knees on the mattress as she lays down in front of you.

“I really want you, Y/N,” she says, practically devouring you with her eyes alone. “But if you’re not up to it, I can wait.”

“I want you too, Nat. So much,” you reply, starting to jerk yourself off to hardness. It’s been months since you’ve had an opportunity to have her like this; as often as her visits to your room in the hospital were, you weren’t well enough to engage in her favorite activity the way you used to. It had been hard on both of you to have to wait, and part of you was nervous that you wouldn’t last that long or didn’t remember how to please her.   

“Okay. How do you want me?” Natasha asks, and it’s unusual for her to let you decide. But she seems to understand the importance of going at your pace and doesn’t want you to be uncomfortable.

“Uh…on your knees?” you suggest, not even sure what you’ll be able to handle. As long as the movement was minimal, you figure you’d be okay. 

“Okay.” Natasha kisses you again before turning to face away from you, presenting her perfect backside. Instinctively you grab onto it, shuffling forward until your cock bumps against her butt. You’re already throbbing at her touch but you want to make sure she’s near the same level as you.

You bend forward, your side protesting a little at the movement, but you push through, slipping your arm around her waist to drag your fingers through her folds. Natasha puts her hand on your wrist to guide you better, and you start panting in anticipation when you feel how wet she is.    

You dip your fingers into her while circling her clit and her body stiffens underneath you. You’re just glad you’re doing something right as she ruts back against you with a whine, guiding you to move faster and deeper. 

“Fuck, I think I’m already going to cum,” Natasha admits, tightening around your fingers. She forces you to stop moving so you wait for her next instruction. It makes you feel a little bit better that you’re not the only one with decreased stamina. “Are you ready, babe?” she asks. “I want to cum with you.”

“Yeah, I’m good,” you say, looking down at your hard cock that’s standing almost at a 90-degree angle. 

“Okay. Fuck me good, Y/N.”

Her words turn you feral almost instantly and you steady yourself by holding onto her waist with both hands, maybe a little harder than you intend because you don’t know how much longer you’ll be able to keep yourself upright, even in this kneeling position. The tip of your cock brushes against her hot center and this time, you don’t wait for further permission to enter her. You push in, her tight heat surrounding you, and you have to bite your lip to remind yourself not to cum immediately. 

“Fuck, Nat,” you grunt, afraid to move while you adjust to how perfectly she stretches around you. Your cock twitches when she pulls you in deeper and you finally move your hips in time with hers, although a little more slowly than you would have liked.

You moan like you haven’t been fucked in months, which is technically true, and Natasha pulses harder around you when she hears your reaction to her. She pushes back against your abs with some force, a little afraid that she’ll knock you over, but she’s so desperate to be filled by you. Her toys, her hands, and even yours would never compare to your cock. 

The bedroom quickly fills with the slick noises of your cock sliding in and out of her pussy. The pain in your side and thigh starts to become noticeable even with the numbing pleasure between your legs, and you realize you have to finish soon or you won’t get to at all. 

“Nat, I…I need to cum,” you beg, hoping she’s at her peak too. 

“Let go, babe,” Natasha says, curling her hands into the blankets and lifting her hips higher so you can piston against the sensitive spot inside of her. It takes a few more strokes that almost have you seeing stars before you unload, arching forward to bury yourself to the hilt as you pump out your seed in a few hard bursts. The pressure of being filled is enough to send Natasha over the edge, her cum dripping onto your cock as you pull out and collapse next to her on the bed, your chest heaving and sweat collecting around your neck. 

Natasha reaches out to you, wrapping herself around your body like a koala bear. Although she would love to go another round with you, she can tell you’re too exhausted and doesn’t want to push you. So as you slowly drift off to sleep, Natasha whispers in your ear how much she loves you and how she’ll never take you for granted again. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

AN: And things are basically back to normal for these two! :)

I wrote a Part 5, which you can read here.

Please like, reblog, and comment! Follow for more content. 🥰

[onlyjaeyun]

𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐃 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐒 – 𝟗

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐄: 𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐰

⤥ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐤 𝐒𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐧 𝐱 𝐅𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐞 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

⤥ 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬!𝐀𝐔

⤥ 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 𝟖.𝟕𝐤

⤥ 𝐜𝐰: 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐞𝐜𝐡, 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐟𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐞𝐬, 𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐱, 𝐚 𝐋𝐎𝐓 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐝𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐲 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤, 𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐝𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠/𝐦𝐨𝐜𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐨𝐧𝐞 (𝟏) 𝐬𝐥𝐮𝐭, 𝐧𝐨 𝐤𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐥 (𝐟. 𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠), 𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐭 (𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐡 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐩𝐯𝐬𝐬𝐲), 𝐞𝐱𝐡𝐢𝐛𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐬𝐦, 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐜𝐮𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲, 𝐧𝐨 𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞, 𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐝𝐮𝐛-𝐜𝐨𝐧 (𝐛𝐜 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤𝐬)

⤥ 𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬: 𝐀 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐰𝐨 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐚𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐯𝐞, 𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐞𝐬. 𝐀 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐰𝐨 𝐬𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐬 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐧 𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐲'𝐬 𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐤.

(A/N: I had to add a little note here because I gotta clarify that even if Y/N never outright denies his advances, I still thought I'd add the dub-con warning because it's hate sex after all and I hope you guys know it's followed by angst. anyway, enjoy babies!)

"Alright, I think that's everything for today. Thank you guys so much for coming in on a Saturday", trainer seo's calm voice echoes through the qiet office and with a soft smile you shoot him a quick nod and get up from your seat.

"Of course, Sir, anytime", Sunghoon replies just as calmly and the urge to roll your eyes at the sound of his faux politeness seems overwhelming after almost two hours of having to listen to him.

You're surprised to say that the tension in your muscles isn't even necessarily because of his presence but rather because you're mentally and physically exhausted.

The past two weeks feel like the burden of a whole year on your shoulders, your chest feels tight and you simply can't seem to get rid of the weird feeling in your stomach. You hate how much this break up is effecting you, it's not like you had genuinely loved Jaemin in the first place but the humiliation his disloyalty comes with has been weighing a lot heavier on you than you could have ever prepared yourself for.

After such emotionally draining days you'd much rather spend your Saturday afternoon getting tipsy on your best friend's home made cocktails while getting things for Seung's party ready than having to sit next to your least favorite person for a total of three hours.

However, you're just as relieved as you are tense that the meeting has finally come to an end and despite the fact that you'll have to drive home with Sunghoon, you're more than just excited to finally join the boys and get the party started.

"I know this is a lot to ask for, especially after I've held you two captive here for hours but could you give the storage room a quick clean up? The boys love to just throw their stuff in there and finding the things we need gets harder each time."

You try not to let your lack of enthusiasm show in your facial expression because no matter how badly you want to get home, Sunghoon would never deny his precious trainer a request like that and just as you're about to respond, he jumps in and approves your expectations.

"Sure", he says casually, not even bothering to check if you're just as okay with it as he is, "we'll do it roughly now and then I'll have the boys clean it up properly next week."

All you can do is press your lips into a tight lipped smile as you nod along to his words and voice your farewells to the rest of the staff members, only for your eyes to finally roll into the back of your head with an annoyed scoff.

"Say what you've got to say or shut the fuck up", Sunghoon is quick to shoot back in response to your non-verbal comment and with your brows furrowed in annoyance you scan his face.

"We could have just left this for another day", you hiss and run a hand through your hair, "since – you know – we actually have to be somewhere, you teacher's pet."

"Can you just keep it down for once, for fuck's sake", Hoon's quick to match your energy and for some reason his reaction triggers all the emotions you've been suppressing for the past few days.

"You act like I'm not telling the fucking truth", you spit back at him and turn around to grab your bag and get this shit over with. All you can think about is to finally put some physical distance between the two of you after spending way too much time in such close proximity with him.

"Look, I don't give a fuck about whatever you say. If you wanted to leave so badly you should have spoken the fuck up. It's not like you're usually one to hold back, so don't blame this on me", Hoon presses through gritted teeth and you hate the way you can't stop your gaze from dropping to his stupidly plump lips, "plus, if you want to leave, you're very welcome to do just that."

"I'm not gonna spend money on an uber when we agreed to drive home together in the first place", you say and raise your hands in confusion, quickly averting your gaze from his face to stop any more weird thoughts to enter your head.

The last thing you need right now is to let your mind wander to places which will only ruin you further. Places which include Park Sunghoon and his annoyingly attractive features.

"Then shut the fuck up and let's get this done so we can leave and I can finally pretend like you don't exist anymore."

Hoon's tone is cold, it's raw and it's harsh. But just as usual, it doesn't hurt you. Nothing he says to or throws in your face actually gets to you anymore. After years and years of constant back and forth you've grown immune to his hateful behavior.

But, different than you usually would, you decide to just let out a soft sigh and follow him out of the office and to the front of the ice rink, loving the way the cold hits your heated skin and calms your nerves.

For a moment you forget about Sunghoon's agitating presence and allow yourself to take in the sight of your former safe place.

One might have expected for you to get used to the sight of the huge ice rink after working as the hockey team's manager for the past six weeks, but somehow it hasn't gotten any easier. You don't feel the need to just fall to your knees and mourn the biggest loss of your life anymore but there's definitely this little sting in your heart whenever you remember how only a decade ago this exact place would have put you at complete ease. Whereas now you find yourself dreading every single second you have to spend there.

To your surprise, Sunghoon doesn't take this moment away from you but just quietly starts working his way through the messy storage room. For a moment you actually consider not helping him since he was the one to make the decision for you both but you know you'll leave faster if you give him a hand, so with yet another sigh of annoyance you place your bag onto the benches and join to help him.

None of you says a single word for the first twenty minutes and you can't believe that you're actually grateful for Sunghoon to opt with silence rather than another stupid argument.

You can't lie and say you haven't noticed the fact that he's been holding back on you a little more than usual, regardless if your brother is present or not and for some reason you can't help but wonder what the reason might be.

However, you don't get enough time to actually overthink your enemy's behavior as your phone suddenly starts buzzing in the back pocket of your jeans.

"Is it one of the boys? I texted Jaeyun but they might not be with him right now. Tell them it'll take us another thirty minutes", Sunghoon says and doesn't look up from the corner he's currently picking up the broken pucks from and despite the fact he usually prefers your lack of verbal response, he feels irritation bubble up in his stomach once he realises you haven't answered him yet.

However, your facial expression of discomfort and annoyance quickly tell him that the name on your screen does not belong to any of your friends.

"I'll be back in a minute", is the only thing you say once you've processed the fact taht you're currently looking at a name you'd much rather not deal with in that particular moment.

For the first in over a decade you're actually grateful for the fact that Sunghoon doesn't give a single shit about you or your life because if it was one of the other boys, you would have had to explain why you're about to pick up a call from your ex-boyfriend's best friend.

Without saying another word and anxiety boiling in your stomach, you make your way into the lockers room but not necessarily bothering to close the door behind you since you're more than just sure Sunghoon wasn't going to look for or check up on you anyway.

It takes you another row of vibrations to regain your compose and finally pick up the call. You could have just ignored it but for some reason you feel like you owe your own conscience this phone call.

"Hello? Y/N? Are you there?"

And just as you had subconsciously expected, it's the sound of your former lover's voice which makes its way to you and with your heart skipping a beat you let out anloud sigh of annoyance.

"What the fuck do you want, Jaemin?"

It doesn't take much for the blood in your veins to start boiling, anger and wrath coming together in the worst way possible and before you can even realise it, the back of your head is pulsating in agonising pain.

Talking to him over text was enough for your mental stability to spiral in a way you haven't experienced in months and hearing his voice now seems like the worst decision ever.

"Can you stop being so fucking aggressive for once? Don't worry, I'm not calling because I want to but because I have to", your ex boyfriend hisses and every single one of his words pushes you deeper into your state of irritation and anger.

"Stop fucking yapping and get to the point", you reply and pinch the bridge of your nose between your fingertips and if it wasn't for the possibility of Sunghoon hearing your conversation, you would have lost it on him already.

But in no way does your ego allow you to give him the satisfaction of hearing you in a state so vulnerable.

"You still have a few of my hoodies and I remembered that I forgot my laptop at your place", Jaemin sighs and you can hear the way he so obviously tries to calm himself down, his attempts easily hitting your conscience.

"I'll bring them to the café and have Tsuki give them to you, I don't want to see you."

You don't bother telling him about how you're afraid you'll actually punch him in the face and get arrested again if you ever had to look at his face again, since you know how paranoid he tends to be. You'd rather not worry about him ruining your record so close to your graduation.

"You can't be serious", Jaemin suddenly scoffs, wrath and pettiness wavering in his voice, "grow up and stop acting so immature. I'm gonna come by in an hour and take what belongs to me."

"Do that and I'll have Jongseong go batshit on you", you don't even hesitate with your threat, knowing oh too well just how intimidated he's always been by your best friend's rather cold demeanor.

"Why are you making this so difficult for me, Y/N? I never hurt you."

Maybe it's the lack of sleep and rest or the emotional exhaustion but something snaps inside of you as soon as your brain registers his words.

"You cheated on me, you ugly fuck", the volume of your voice has actually risen to the point where it echoes in the emptiness of the lockers room, easily gaining Sunghoon's attention.

For a moment he finds himself moving closer to the door to actually listen to what you've got to say to that stupid ex boyfriend of yours, but as a wave of rage overwhelms him, he decides to keep his distance for his own sake.

"Stop making me the bad guy in this, Jaemin. I gave you my everything. Every time I tried to put my boys and my life first, you guilt tripped me into thinking I never gave you the attention you needed or asked for but at the end of the day I had to beg you for a date night for four months."

Silence erupts on the side of the phone, followed by another sigh and now you can't help but wish you could actually look at him. Your heart craves the sight of his mask crumbling because you've finally given up on the relationship.

"Whatever lets you sleep at night", Jaemins says nonchalantly, "at the end of the day you still never trusted me enough to let me cum inside of you, so I guess we're even."

"You never earned yourself the privilege to fuck me raw, you stupid loser. So fucking loud and bold for someone who doesn't even eat pussy", you don't care about how loud you're being or the chance of Sunghoon hearing way too intimate details about your sex life, the accusing tone and words of your ex boyfriend are simply enough for your brain to go into overdrive.

"It's disgusting and I won't let you make me feel bad about it, not anymore", Jaemin's voice is filled with hatted and disgust, the instant waves of shame and embarrassment following his words are overwhelming.

"Go cry to your fucking mother about this, maybe she gives a fuck about your fragile masculinity", you say casually, knowing exactly just how much he hates being referred to as a so called "mama's boy".

"You fucking b–", "I wouldn't finish that sentence if I were you. A black eye and broken ribs are literally just a phone call away."

A beat of silence follows your threat and you know you won this round, yet again. At the end of the day Na Jaemin remains a gutless coward who loves to bark and yap, but never really has the spine to stand by what he says.

"You know, it's baffling to me how you've always had such high expectations of me when not even your own father can stand you and your annoying personality."

And for the first time the two years you've known him, Jaemin has actually managed to leave you speechless. The feeling of betrayal and pain is too intense, too strong for your body; a verbal response seems like a challenge.

"Come on, don't stop", you scoff, knowing what kind of response he wants and you're determined to do everything in your power to make sure he won't get that satisfaction, "I'm my father's least favorite child, my step-mother hates my guts, they disowned and threw me out when I turned eighteen. How about you go ahead and mention my dead mother too, hm? Since you wanna step that low. Don't hesitate now, big guy."

You can feel the knot in your throat doubling in its size at the thought of Jaemin throwing everything you've trusted him with in your face like he's just been waiting for the right moment.

But this is exactly what you're used to, so despite the ache in your chest you calmly wait for his response to your words.

You're so caught up in your argument with Jaemin, that you don't even notice Sunghoon's tall figure casually standing in the doorway, shamelessly listening to everything you've been saying for the past five minutes since he physically couldn't stop himself from eavesdropping once you had responded to your boyfriend's lack of privilege regarding unprotected intimacy.

He simply can't explain why the thought of your ex boyfriend denying you the sweet pleasure of oral sex was the last straw for him, but regardless of the reason behind it, Sunghoon has not stopped thinking about burying his face in your cunt ever since you had exposed your former lover.

At this point the young male would be lying if he said he has never thought about you in a sexual way, but he'd never, ever admit this to anyone but his own self.

He hates you. He's always hated you and he can't even think of a day where he won't look at you and not feel the urge to skin himself, yet at the same time he also can't deny just how badly he wants to fuck your brains out.

Every now and then Sunghoon caught himself imagining the sweet sight of your pretty eyes filled with tears, begging him to just please fuck you the way you've always needed to. And while he definitely didn't enjoy those thoughts and mental images at first, he's come to the conclusion that he's taken quite the liking in the want to fuck that annoying attitude out of your system.

Maybe being in your presence would be a little more bearable if you got fucked properly, since Sunghoon is pretty sure none of your previous lovers or boyfriends have ever managed to give you exactly what you need. Then on the other hand – who knows if he has what it takes to handle a girl with an attitude like that, right?

"Yeah, your stammering is just wasting my time", you suddenly say and pull Sunghoon back into reality, his eyes attentively roaming the way your outfit seems to hug every single curve of your body in the most perfect way possible.

Sunghoon despises you for being so god damn attractive and annoying at the same time. If you only ever managed to shut the fuck up, he'd actually have the nerve to be in your presence for longer than twenty minutes.

But usually it doesn't take you too long to open those pretty lips and say the most agitating, annoying and useless things and irritate every single bone in his body. What a perfect sight you'd make with your mouth stuffed and nothing but gags and muffled whimpers rolling off your busy tongue.

"I'll drop your shit off again Tsuki's café and will make sure she gets your ugly ass arrested if you end up being dumb enough to wait for me there."

Sunghoon watches the way you run a hand through your hair and just as he's about to let his gaze drop to the sight of your soft thighs, you suddenly decide to turn around and before he can even realise it, he's looking into your eyes. 

A wave of shock and panic overwhelms your body and your brain is suddenly flooded with worries about just how much he's heard already and how you'll ever recover from this.

You don't even bother saying any farewells to your ex boyfriend as you try your best to hide just how flustered and ashamed you are. Not knowing for how long he's been listening in on your conversation makes the anxiety in your lower stomach go crazy.

You never, ever wanted him, of all people, to know the disappointment your intimate life actully is and yet here you are.

"I always knew your taste in men is bad but this?"

Different than he had expected from himself, Sunghoon doesn't quite hold back with his response, knowing he has to say something or you might notice the way he's been devouring you for the past few minutes.

"Yeah, thanks for nothing", you sigh and roll your eyes, consciously ignoring the way Sunghoon's eyes seem to linger on the exposed skin of thighs for longer than necessary, "how about you just shut the fuck up and mind your own business? If I ever wanna talk about my choice in men I'll go to a therapist and not to your mommy issued ass."

And there is the Y/N Sunghoon knows and hates with the coldest parts of his heart.

But for some reason, your words seem to trigger a completely different reaction this time, because where usually he'd feel the anger boiling in his blood, now the way you're looking at him with furrowed brows and your pretty lips pressed into a thin line do nothing but push him deeper into his naughty fantasies.

"Nah, you know me", Sunghoon chuckles bitterly and casually approaches you, completely unbothered by your words, "I have to throw this in your face just for the fun of it."

"Go get fucked, Cunthoon", you spit back and don't hesitate to get on your feet, knowing you have no choice but to physically stand your ground since he's basically towering over you with his height.

"With or without the privilege?"

It takes you a short moment to realise what exactly he's referring to and as soon as you do, your eyes roll into the back of your head followed by a loud sigh.

You're trying very hard to mainatin your cold composure, but the second your brain processes just how close Sunghoon is standing to you, everything seems to become even more difficult.

You're not ready to admit just how badly you want him to touch you, not to yourself let alone to Sunghoon himself. No matter how much the thought of his hands on your body have your head spinning, you're ready to take this to the grave with you.

Sunghoon's the reason for so much of your past pain and heartache, the reason you promised your twelve year old self to never, ever let him back into your life and up until this particular moment you've managed to maintain your emotional and physical distance to him, so why the fuck has it suddenly turned into a challenge?

"It's honestly so sad to see how you're always so loud about knowing what you want and how you wanna be treated when you can't even find yourself a man who's actually attracted to you", Hoon's words hit the center of your fragile self worth and for the first time in the past few days, you actually feel the tears pricking at the corner of your eyes.

After all the things Jaemin has thrown your way, you're pretty sure you're not quite strong enough to take another hit from Sunghoon, especially considering how much more merciless and brutal he tends to be.

But maybe you need this. Maybe you just need to hear and feel Sunghoon's hatred in this particular moment just to remember who the fuck you actually are.

"Hm, that's all you've got?"

Sunghoon takes another step closer to you, his dark eyes attentively roaming your face as he nods and refuses to respond verbally.

You hate how much the fire in his gaze is burning your skin and how it's nothing but fuel to the flames in between your legs.

There's absolutely no reason for you to feel this turned on by Park Sunghoon, of all people.

"What's wrong, snowflake? You seem so lost in your thoughts", Sunghoon suddenly whsipers and the sound of the nickname he's given you exactly eleven years ago slices through your chest like a knife, triggering you in a way only he could.

"Get the fuck out of my face", you spit and press your hands flat against his strong chest, hating the way the hair on your neck literally stands up at the feeling of his muscles underneath your touch, "and don't ever call me that again."

You don't exactly know what you expected his reaction to be but nothing could have prepared you for the feeling of Sunghoon wapping his fingers around your wrist just to turn your body around and press you against the wall with your hand now firmly pressed into your lower back.

For a moment you can't help but wonder if this is actually real. Sunghoon hasn't touched you in over a decade. He's barely ever looked at you and yet now he seems more than just comfortable pressing his chest into your back.

"Or what, snowflake? What are you going to do? Curse me out and hurt my ego? Tell me about how my parents won't ever be proud of me or how they'll always choose their golden child over me, hm?"

You hear his words, yet the fact he's whispering them into your ear makes it impossible for you to actually understand what he's saying.

"What the fuck are you doing? Let me fucking go", you hiss and gulp harshly, not even realising how much you've been pressing your thighs together but Sunghoon is more attentive than you are and the only thing he's been focusing on is the way your chest is rising and falling uncontrollably.

"Let me guess what that loser told you", he suddenly sighs and reaches for your other hand just to hold both of them in one of his own, his cold touch sending chills down your legs and a jolt of hot arousal straight into your cunt.

"He talked about how your big mouth and that bratty attitude of yours were the reason he cheated in the first place", Sunghoon sighs and lets his unoccupied hand find its way around your waist before he places it flat against your lower stomach and for some reason, you don't feel the need to push him away anymore.

You can feel the blood thrumming in your ears, your heart quite brutally hammering against your rib cage and if it wasn't for the fact that he's got you firmly pressed against a wall, you're pretty sure your knees would have given out.

"Sunghoon, what the fuck–", "Don't make me find other ways to keep that mouth of yours shut, snowflake", Hoon quickly interrupts your protest and the anger finally finds its way into your veins, joining the disgusting arousal that's been clouding your brain.

You want to push him away. You want him to let go of you. But most importantly: you want him to just finally fuck you so you can get him out if your system.

Sunghoon might hate you with every fiber of his being, but at the end of the day his feelings for you won't change the fact just how easy it is for him to read your body language.

You might not have noticed for just how long you've been pushing your pretty ass up against his raging hard on, but he has and there's absolutely no way he's going to feel ashamed about it.

He hates his boys for being right but he knows neither one of you will ever say a word about this to anyone, which is probably why it's so easy for him to push his hand over your skirt and take ahold of your thigh.

At this point you can feel his rapid heartbeat against your back and the urge to move a little more against the pretty impressive bulge in his slacks has slowly become overwhelming.

"He's right, I can't lie", Sunghoon suddenly whispers, his plump lips touching the back of your ear with each word, resulting in your brain taking a lot longer to process the contentbof his comment, "that fucking attitude of yours is what makes you so unbearable. Always talking back. Always saying whatever you want, whenever you want, just like the entitled little girl you've always been and forever will be."

He's being brutally honest and you know it. Hoon doesn't have a reason to lie to you, not even when he's slowly pushing his hand underneath your skirt, all the way up your thigh until he's only a single motion away from grazing your clothed cunt with his knuckles.

And despite the fact that his words push you into the sweetest bliss of pleasure and wrath you've ever experienced, you physically can't get yourself to move in his grip. You want him to touch you and he knows it. Everything that fucker does is on purpose.

"Look at you", he suddenly chuckles and pushes his finger against your inner thigh just to nudge his hand in between your legs and casually press his palm against the entirety of your pussy, "you're boiling with anger because of the things I say but have still made a mess of your panties like a needy slut."

"Fuck you", is the only thing you manage to spit back, your head spinning as the feeling of his strong hands holding yours and his chest firmly pressed into your back leaves you completely breathless.

"You're so close to do just that, snowflake", Hoon doesn't even try to hide the amusement in his voice and you hate him for it but can't hide just how badly you want him to move his hand between your legs.

"Cut that cocky shit show and put your money where your mouth is, you fucking loser", you hiss and push your ass further into his crotch, only for your body to betray you and a desperate whimper escaping throat in response to his hard cock.

"There it is, that attitude I was talking about", he chuckles and suddenly lets go of your hands as he pushes his own underneath your skirt, his fingers casually toying with the string of your thong on both sides of your hips, "but no matter how much you hate me, your body will always betray you."

Sunghoon calmly pushes your underwear down your thighs, the lack of fabric against your sensitive cunt rips a guttural moan from your throat.

"Don't feel so special", you try to keep your voice as stead as possible, "I haven't gotten laid in weeks, you're just a convenience."

"Really?" As soon as that tiny little word slips past his lips, Sunghoon pushes his hand back in between your legs and this time you physically can't stop yourself from bucking your hips into his touch.

The feeling of his cold fingers geazing the hot, wet flesh of your cunt sends you deeper intot he sweet haze of your arousal and in combination with the anger lingering in your veins, you feel like you're about to explode.

"Now, the wetness of your little cunt is telling a completely different story, snowflake", he chuckles and runs the tip of his middle finger through your sensitive folds, only grazing the tip of your hard clit before he moves back to circle your clenching hole and drive you into actual insanity.

"Stop fucking teasing me, you bitch", you spit and wrap your fingers around his wrist to push your cunt against his palm, "just fuck me already."

"Hm, that sense of entitlement you have gets on my last fucking nerves, snowflake", Sunghoon hisses, his words drenched in venom whereas his thumb rubbing gentle circles into your sensitive clit displays the complete opposite.

"F-Fuck you", your voice breaks at the end of your two word sentence and with a soft, breathy whimper you press your forehead against the cool wall, hoping to get rid of some of the heat overwhelming your body.

"Different than your boyfriends, Baby, I'm not one to do just that without any foreplay", he chuckles and suddenly takes away the warmth of his body from yours as he pulls away but doesn't give you enough time to react as he drops to his knees and pushes your skirt a little further up your hips, exposing your drenched cunt to his hungry eyes.

In that particular moment Sunghoon feels grateful for his choice of position because the fact your pussy is the prettiest he's ever laid his eyes on is an ego-boost he would have never forgiven himself for giving you.

Maybe it's the fact he hasn't eaten anyone out in momths despite his favor for it, or maybe it's because he's subconsciously been hoping to get a taste of the most untouchable treat he's ever had to deal with in his life, regardless of the reaosn he can't get himself to actually care about it anymore.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Your voice sounds panicked but the way you move your body further into hsi touch tells him everything he needs to know.

"What does it look like, snowflake? I'm going to do what that loser boyfriend of yours denied you."

His words have a hint of possession to them and easily elicit a guttural moan from your throat as the thought of Sunghoon's pretty lips on your needy cunt leave you completely lightheaded.

"You fucking bastard", you hiss through gritted teeth only to choke on your words as soon as Sunghoon licks a long stripe over the entirety of your cunt, savoring every drop landing on his tongue like it's the sweetest meal he's ever tasted.

"F-Fuck", he grunts and digs his fingers deeper into the skin of your ass cheeks, hating himself for losing his composure but to his luck you're way too fucked out already to take notice of his little outburst.

"Let's see if I can tongue-fuck that little attitude problem out of you, hm, snowflake?"

Yet again, Hoon doesn't give you enough time to respond to his teasing promise by sucking your clit into his mouth, applying just enough pressure on your sensitive clit with his tongue to have you gasping for air.

You've only ever received head a couple of times in your life but never once has it felt so fucking good and you can't help but allow yourself to savor the pleasure he's bringing you, ignoring his identity for the sake of saving your own dignity.

Sunghoon is relentless, careless and sloppy. Loud slurping noises match the actions of his mouth as he swallows your sweet juices, not a single word leaving his lips as he's too busy making sure not one drop goes to waste of the sweetest cunt he's ever had the chance to eat.

For a moment the young man feels his composure slipping through his fingers as he pushes his face deeper and deeper into your cunt, too eager to care about you, too selfish to think about possible consequences.

It doesn't take long for you to tip toe around the edge as Sunghoon switches between thrusting his tongue into your tight hole and drawing circles into your needy bundle of nerves with the hardened tip of his muscle.

You've long lost control of yourself as moan after moan follows each breathless gasp for air and high pitched whimper of his name.

Sunghoon feels anger bubbling in the lower part of hsis tomach at the thought of your moans being so fucking sensual they're actual music to his ears.

With each movement of his tongue, he feels your hole tightening a little more, the urge to have you fall apart from his tongue alone overwhelming him and when he realises that it's because he wants you to know that there won't ever be anyone like him making you feel like this again, he chooses to push that thought all the way to the back of his head.

This isn't about you. This is about him. He eats pussy because it gets him off and that's why he forces himself to simply ignore your moans and whines and focus on the throbbing of his cock underneath all the layers of clothing.

"C-Close", you suddenly whisper, approving his thoughts and it's then that Sunghoon realises that he's had his eyes closed the whole time, like some pussy drunk freak.

"Will you look at that", he suddenly chuckles, and lands a quick spank on the sensitive skin of your ass, "little miss attitude has gone all quiet. Where's that big mouth of yours now, Baby?"

"Shut t-the fuck up", you whimper and throw your head back in ecstasy, too close to actually give a fuck about his comments but too stubborn to give him the satisfaction of your silence.

"Now now, don't get rude now", Sunghoon grunts and guides his hand to the front of your body knowing your eyes are firmly focused on the way his fingers start toying with your hardened clit.

"S-Sunghoon", you whimper and can't believe that an actual veil of tears has blurred your vision, "please, I need to cum. Don't take this away from me."

You try to swallow your pride as soon as Sunghoon's laughter echoes in the empty space of the lockers room but the second he goes back to pushing his tongue into your tight hole, you feel a wave of relief hit your nerves and before you can even process what's happening, your actul arch enemy applies just the right amount of pressure on your sensitive clit and easily pushes you over the edge with just those few movements.

Your ears start ringing as the coil in your lower tummy finally snaps and you find yourself heading head first into your sweet relief. You're physically and mentally not able to keep you'r noises down and you can't even be mad about it because never once in your life has anyone ever made you cum this hard.

The fact he managed to do it with his mouth only is what sends the aftermaths of your orgasm down your spine and for a moment you're pretty sure you're going to lose your consciousness.

You don't know how much time passes until you regain your composure but it's the sound of Sunghoon unbuckling his belt which pulls you back into reality.

"Looks like you can actually be a good girl, snowflake", he grunts as the relief of his hard cock finally being freed from the tightness of his jeans sends chills down his back, "if you told me that it took nothing but a good tongue-fuck to keep that big mouth of yours shut I would have done this years ago."

"Don't be so full of yourself, you bastard", you hiss and hate yourself for being so openly desperately as you turn your head the side just enough to catch a glimpse of his cock, "I told you I haven't gotten fucked in weeks. This was nothing but pent up frustration."

"Yeah, if that's what you'll tell yourself to essentially your conscience", Sunghoon scoffs and casually spits into his palm before he wraps his big hand around his thick cock and gives it a few good pumps, subconsciously enjoying the sight of your widened eyes.

"Turn around", you oblige to his demand without an ounce of hesitation and know you're going to hate yourself for this but can't get yourself to care the least.

"Look, it's not so hard to shut the fuck up when you want something, is it now?"

"How about you–", but Sunghoon's too fast. His hand is quick to grab your face and pull you closer to his body, his dark eyes roaming your features, his expression dripping in the deadly combination of hatred and lust.

"Open up", is the first thing he says, not even bothering to verbally respond to your back talk attempt, "come on now, snowflake. Open that pretty mouth and stick your tongue out for me."

For some reason you find yourself obeying him yet again, despite your brains firm protests you do as you're told and before you can question the decisions of your body, Sunghoon tilts your head back just enough to let a thick drop of his spit fall onto the back of your tongue.

"Aren't you one obedient little brat", he praises yet the words are filled with mockery, leaving a bitter taste in your mouth yet not able to take away the effects of his saliva coating your tastebuds has on you.

"Face the wall again", he suddenly lets go of your face and takes a step back to give you enough space to follow his order and for the third time in a row you find yourself doing just what he wanted you to.

"I know you're too fucked out already but I have a condom", Sunghoon says and allows himself the freedom of letting his eyes roll into the back of his head the second he starts pumping his cock again.

"Oh", you say and gulp harshly, hating how right he is, "good."

"It's gonna be a tight fit", Sunghoon grunts and slides the condom over his rock hard length before lining the tip up with your clenching entrance, "so tell me if you need me to take it easy. And relax. Stop tensing up so much."

All you can do is nod as the feeling of his cock so close to where you need him the most takes over the last bits of your rational thinking. Park Sunghoon is doing soemthing to your body you've never experienced before and at this point you don't even know what to feel or think.

He doesn't say another word and the next thing you know is the feeling of his tip finally entering you, stretching your sensitive cunt out just enough to send tiny jolts of pain through your body and for a moment you actually choke on your own spit.

"Fuck", Sunghoon curses and tightens his grip on your hips, slowly pushing more and more of his length into the warm embrace of your sweet cunt and with every single inch he loses himself a little bit more in the raw pleasure.

"What the fuck", you breathe out once he's halfway through, your cunt involuntarily clenching around his cock as his impressive size is a lot more to take than you could have mentally prepared yourself for.

"Just a little bit more, don't disappoint me now", Sunghoon hisses into your ear and wraps one of his delicate hands around your exposed throat, his grip not too tight yet essily knocking the breath out of your lungs, "be a good girl for once and take what I give you."

And it's this particular line which reminds you who exactly is currently about to fuck you into oblivion, the realisation sending you into a heated fir of rage and before giving him another chance to say anything, you push back and take the remaining bits of his length.

"Just fuck me already", you whisper, the sudden feeling of being filled to the brim overwhelming you and all you can do is hope that he's too caught up to notice.

"You fucking brat", Sunghoon hisses and tightens his grip around throat, thrusting his cock just a little deeper inside of you to make sure you know exactly who the fuck is in charge.

It doesn't take him too long to find the perfect rhythm, pulling his cock all the way out of your tight cunt just to thrust himself back inside of you with sharp movements of his hips.

The empty space of the lockers room is filled with a mixture of your high pitched moans and his deep grunts, yet not a single coherent word leaving either one of you.

It feels like Sunghoon is hitting every single one of your sweetest spots, the tip of his cock grazing the entrance to your womb with every single one of his movements and you feel the hate for your your body's physical response to his doing boiling in your tummy alongside another orgasm.

Every now and then Sunghoon let's out a row of choked profanities, his body not quite able to handle the inner battle between his brain and his cock because there's no fucking reason for you to feel this good.

You shouldn't feel like this. Your pussy isn't supposed to make his head spin and his ears ring, neither is it supposed to push him so close to the edge in such a short time.

Sunghoon has always taken great pride in his stamina. The disappointment of his orgasm slowly climbing down his spine faster than usual almost as present as the sweetness of pleasure rushing through his veins.

This time, however, he doesn't even check in on you as your pussy gives away just how close you are, so without saying another word, Sunghoon pushes his hand between your body and the wall and starts rubbing another set of harsh circles into your clit, knowing he'd hate himself even more if he didn't make you cum before him.

To his luck you've been so lost in the hate of your own pleasure, it takes exactly a minute and the combination of his merciless thrusts with just the right clit stinulation for you to cum all over his cock.

This time your orgasm feels even more intense, so intense your vission actually darkens for a solid second before turning blurry. Wave after wave comes crashing down on you and if it wasn't for his tight grip on your hips you would have lost your balance already.

You're so caught up in the sweetness of your own relief, you barely notice the way Sunghoon's thrusts start growing sloppy and uncoordinated and without giving it another thought, you lazily reach back to grab a fistful of his hair and pull at the thick strands and just as expected is the pain in his scalp enough to elicit a deep, gutturual moan from him as he cums inside the condom yet never once stops moving.

Heavy breathing is the only sound to fill the lockers room for the following few minutes and as the fog of pleasure slowly starts disappearing, instant regret hits your guts.

This should have never happened.

Not with Park Sunghoon, of all people.

"Stop panicking", he suddenly hisses and pulls his now soft cock out of your sensitive cunt, his expression as cold as his voice as you turn around to face him with mascara staining your cheeks and your panties around your ankles.

"As soon as I put my pants back on, I'm going to act like this never happened because it didn't. I had to get this out of my system and that's it. You still mean nothing to me and I'm pretty sure you feel the same, so let's not make a big deal about this."

Maybe it's the post-orgasm state of your still slightly fogged up brain or maybe it's because you're actually struggling to process if this actually just happened or not but as soon as his words find their way into your ear, your heart drops into your stomach in a way you've never experienced it before.

However, as someone who's had her heart broken and soul crushed just one too many times already, it only takes you a minute to regain your composure.

So without even bothering to give him a verbal response, you bend down to pull your panties up your legs again before you lift your head to meet his ice cold gaze.

"I'll give you a minute to get your shit together and wait for you in the car. Don't take too long, we're late already. And don't bother coming up with an excuse, just let me do the talking. For our both's sake."

Sunghoon says nonchalantly and runs a hand through his bleached hair before he simply turns around and walks away, leaving you alone just as he had announced it to you, with your self hatred and yet another reason to despise him.

The drive to your apartment building passes by in a complete blur since neither one of you says a single word and as soon as you walk through the door to your own home, you're met with the sight of the triplets checking their outfits in the big hallway mirror.

"Hold on", Riki says and furrows his brows in confusion, his suspecting tone sending chills down your body and for a moment you feel the fear of being caught bubbling up your throat.

"I thought you got ready and went to the staff meeting so you could just join us at Seung's place", he says and eyes your outfit, the one you initially had planned on wearing to the party but have now decided to rip apart and never, ever wear again.

You let out a soft sigh and just shrug, "I sweated a lot while cleaning the storage room so I'm gonna hop into the shower really quick and get ready properly. You guys go and get the party started. I'll text Tsuki and let her know I'm gonna be late so please tell the boys about this for me, yeah?"

"Are you okay, my love?" Sunoo asks with worry shimmering in his pretty eyes and you curse him for reading your body language so easily. If it wasn't for your abolity to turn off your emotions in an instant you would have bursted into tears already.

But all you can feel is regret and indifference. There's not a single thought left in your head and you find yourself returning to the sweet comfort of feeling empty.

"Super exhausted but just as ready to get wasted with my favorite boys", you smile and caress Sunoo's cheeks with your palm, "don't worry about me. I'll be with you guys in no time."

"Alright then", Jungwon exclaims and gives you a quick side hug, the smell of alcohol surrounding him already and the fact he hasn't noticed his best friends' look of concern despite your reassuring attempts tells you just how tipsy he is already.

"I've left the kittens some food but I'm pretty sure they'll just sleep through the night", Riki says once the other two have walked through the door of your shared apartment, "don't rush yourself. Seung's wasted already, so he has no sense of time anyway."

After giving your brother a quick yet tight hug, you force yourself to take the shower you had announced to the boys and it's only when your skin starts burning that you realise just how harshly you've been scrubbing yourself.

By the time you finally get to your hair, you choose to just straighten it and focus on your make up, the urge to look pretty enough to receive compliments and deceive your insecurities too intense to ignore.

It doesn't take you longer than an hour to get ready and just as you swing your front door open, you're met with the sight of your best friend.

And just as usual she manages to take your breath away. You've never seen anyone like Fukutomi Tsuki. It's like the pureness of her soul has reflected itself in her appearance and with big eyes you take in her angel like face.

"You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen", she suddenly says and covers her mouth with her pretty hands, her fresh set of nails catching their attention and as you process her words, you enjoy the warmth spreading in your chest.

"I was just about to say the same, my love", you pout and oull her into your arms, the hug a little too tight, too long and too heartfelt for a greeting, yet completely normal for the two of you, "you're so beautiful, Baby. You look like an angel."

As the two of you make your way down the stairs to Jay's and Heeseung's shared appartment, you feel anxiety pooling in the lower bit of your stomach, yet you vehemently refuse to allow your brain to acknowledge the reason behind it.

And as soon as you step into your best friends' apartment, you're met with loud music, the smell of smoke and cologne, alcohol and laughter.

"There she is, my favorite human being to ever exist!", Jaeyun suddenly yells from across the room, the honesty in his words taking away every single bad thought in your brain and before you can even break into a smile, a blushy Heeseung has already opened his arms to welcome you with a bear hug.

Once you've spent a good five minutes just in the birthday boy's embrace, the other two have finally made their way to you, not asking why you're late or where you've been. All they do is hand you a shot and a freshly made cocktail before they pull you into the living room and start introducing you to the people from their workplaces.

And as the alcohol slowly starts finding its way into your system, you finally manage to get rid of every doubt, every worry and every single self hating thought. Right now what matters is to have a good time with your best friends and not your former figure skating partner and the little trophy doll he's got glued to his hips.

You might have given into your desires for once but you'd be dammed if you gave him the satisfaction of seeing you crumble.

← 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 — 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 — 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭 →

(A/N2: here it finally is....not gonna lie i'm SUPER nervous about this and genuinely hope you guys like it. I deffo had a lot more fun writing it than I had initially expected. i also randomly decided not to write too muxh about the party bc we have already reached 8.7k words and yeah..no need to overdo it lol 😗🤞🏼 anyway, thank you guys so, so much for all the love and support. i cant wait for your reactions and am sending everyone the biggest kiss ever. ☁️🫧)

TAGLIST CLOSED: @soonigiri @en-happiness @lhsvibez @dammit-jjk @heerinnie @primroselover @jungwon-xo @szkstay @lostwonderwall @hoonieluv @certifiedmoa @doodlelibrary @ikeuizm @kpoprhia @sleeping-demons @jongszn @imtoanonymousforyou @lalalovejay @ineedsomezzz @xrr-s4sha @ariadores @viagumi @electrobutterfly @mimikittysblog @blurryriki @heelcvr @wonkifangirl @joonzseoulmate @kwiwin @hoondiors @seuomo @zerasari @love-you-twice @aloverga @marz-mars @velvtcherie @niniissus @abrazosolorcereza @ddazed-lhs @acphengene @skz-streamer @kshoshi @tya0 @yizhoutv @jebetwo @myheelody @seokgyuu @blockbusterhee @l0vee-l3tters @luvkpopp

[whatbigotspost]

Dear fellow hyperverbal hyper empathic hypersocial or extroverted autistics/AuDHDers ESPECIALLY those also with a healthy relationships and self-growth special interest…….

🛑YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIPS AUDIT MOMENT!!!!!

🚫Who have you accidentally become an unpaid therapist to lately?

🚫Where are you forgetting to build or reinforce boundaries with others YOU need to be happy?

🚫What boundaries with yourself have you transgressed lately that are draining you?

🚫Who in your life if they were to text you right now, would you feel a big sense of dread because you have been hearing from them too much lately?

🚫Who in your life if they were to text you right now, would you feel a big sense of dread because you have been hearing from them too much lately?

💚Who in your life generally fills your well in an emotionally joyful, glimmer kind of way?

💚 Who upholds your same relationship values and works hard to create a positive relationship with you that meets both of your needs?

💚 Are you accidentally neglecting anyone who you love and wish you wouldn’t be?

💚 Who tries to anticipate your emotional and sensory needs so that you can be your best self when you guys are hanging out?

💚 Who shows that they are just as interested in hearing about how your relationships with other people are going as you are with theirs?

💚 Who helps you out with your own struggles when you need a shoulder to cry on?

💚Who “gets you” so well but you haven’t reached out lately because you’ve spent more time on relationships that are somehow more intellectually stimulating, but might not be what you need on a heart and human level?

Because of delayed processing, we often have to really think about these things not when we’re hanging out with our friends or family, but after… So truly take a moment and try to reflect on how you feel with the others you’ve been spending your time around lately.

🚫Is that new friend genuinely someone who brings you joy, or are you excited about the novelty of the new relationship?

🚫Is that old friend someone who really still has your back? Or have you been giving so much more than you’ve been getting back lately?

I was listening to a podcast today and heard myself in it in an in a very similarly-styled autistic, lovely young woman and hearing her talk about what she is going through at 26 made me realize even here at 40, DAMN I’ve done it again.

gotta go create some space so I am not lost in some relationships 🥲

[youreyeson1y]

when no one is around, you'll find me on my tallest tiptoes (shining just for you)

pairing: bang chan x reader (you/your)

title: mirrorball by taylor swift (album: folklore)

cw: swearing, mental health (reader is emotionally drained)

synopsis: sometimes someone just needs to show up for you to realise that maybe even the end of the world doesn't sound so bad if they're with you. or, where chan sends you a text that makes you break down.

tags: comforttt, chan being the absolute sweetheart that he is, reader is the silent type who doesn't prefer talking about their struggles, unedited, lowercase intended, relationship is not defined so can imagine it however y'all want 🤍

author's note: this was heavily self indulgent because sometimes you just need the reassurance that it'll be fine. so to anyone that needs to hear it, whatever you're struggling with now, you'll just look back on it in the long run and be proud of yourself. i love you, and my dms are always open if you wanna talk <3

word count: 0.9k

enjoy !

"did you eat today?"

it was just a text. just a single text.

but you were surprised to see teardrops on your phone screen as you stared at those words for a solid ten minutes.

it was nothing out of the ordinary; chan was always checking up on you, making sure you were hydrated, got home safe, or anything and everything else.

but sitting in the hallway in front of your apartment door, with messy hair and crumpled up pieces of papers in your bag and your glasses resting on the top of your head, covered with dirty fingerprints... you felt pathetic.

chan was the one managing a world famous band, he was the one constantly producing songs or brainstorming ideas or working on their demanding choreography.

as you absent-mindedly scrolled up your chat, it was him who was constantly checking up on you and asking you the simplest things that held the deepest meaning.

and what were you doing?

letting some mundane crisis wear you out and come back to being the person you had tried so hard to escape.

the silent vibration of your phone made you wipe your tears with a shaky breath, and accept the call request with a smile on your face.

"hey man, how was practice toda—"

"i'm coming over with your favourite take-out, and you're gonna shut the fuck up for once and let me treat you."

"chan..." inhale. exhale. you could not allow yourself to cry in front of him.

he already had a lot on his plate with the comeback, he didn't need you to add on to that and ma—

"and if you need to, we can talk about your day, and i can tell you about mine, and we can laugh about the stupid things me and the boys did or how steve has been pissing you off these days,  or we can just not say anything and eat and go to bed. how's that sound, love?"

what did you ever do to deserve this man?

"where are you, chan? i miss you."

the elevator dings, making you look up and exhale, your whole body instantly relaxing at the sight of him.

"i'm right where you need me to be." he smiles, his dimples and tiny nose scrunch making your insides ache.

"i'm sorry," you almost felt bad because of how good it felt, having someone you care about meet you halfway. being taken care of. "you're probably so tired after practice, you really didn't have to..."

you didn't want to be a burden, but looking at the way his gaze softened and his shoulders relax as you meet his eyes, you realise...

maybe you could help carry each other's burden; together.

chan placed his bag on the ground and crouched down on the floor beside you, mirroring your position.

he saw your tear streaked face, and you remember telling him once how cringey you found it when male leads would enter like knights in shining armour and save the helpless maidens.

you wish you hadn't, because you really needed the saving right now.

chan smiled.

"you know," he started, taking your glasses from your head and wiping them on his shirt. "i had a pretty shitty day today. i mean, it wasn't that bad, but i feel like i could've done much better, that i couldn't give my best. and maybe we couldn't finish recording today because of my mistakes. but the weird thing is, i realised that i wanted to say that to you. and you know how much i hate letting people know that i messed up." he chuckled.

he gently puts the glasses on your face, making you look at him.

"i wanted to let you know that i didn't do well today because i knew you would not just cheer me up, but tell me to do better next time.

i sent you that text purely out of selfish motives, so that i could get a chance to talk to you. so honestly, you don't have to feel bad."

you hadn't even spoken a word since he'd arrived, but it felt like he understood you better than you could've ever put it into words.

"plus, i was craving some chinese anyway." he stood up, reaching out his hand to you. "so, are you gonna make me wait outside the whole night, or are we gonna get in?"

"chan," you felt... love. adoration. gratitude. he did have a way of making you feel things you didn't know you could feel anymore. "did you get those complimentary starters they give? i will simply not let you in if you haven't."

as you saw him finally flash his biggest smile at you, you knew you would be okay.

"who do you take me for? of course i did! and i was going to wait till desert but they may have given me a little somethin-somethin on the house as they were closing up their shop."

it didn't matter what you both talked about as you sat down to have cold take out food; why you felt like punching steve or how chan was having the time of his life trolling stays on his lives.

at the end of the day, what mattered was you knew he was there, someone to listen to you talk for hours and hours and someone he could fall asleep in the arms of, forgetting for a moment that he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

and thats how you know it would all be okay.

because even if it felt like the end of the world, there was someone willing to spend it with you.

a/n: comments and reblogs are what keeps me going so they are highly appreciated, thank you !

if you're going through something similar, please feel free to reach out to anyone, remember, there are people out there who love you more than you may realise.

untill next time 💌

bang chan masterlist