#but to be fair i don't have the mental capacity and time to go into deep dive mode

[magneticflower]

Also, I'd like to say the dots are connecting for me

But they are not

All I got are lots of Ham references

[beauzos]

decided to wait till my dad went to sleep to make dinner bcs i cannot stand being around him rn and it's been 3 hours and now he's just sleeping downstairs. cool

[ixioideae-letters]

I feel like I reached a moment in my relationship where... I can't deal with another failure.

[gay-dorito-dust]

I fee like Jason would gently but firmly break off his relationship with his s/o because he'd want to try to distance you from his vigilante life, he'd obviously never tell you about his other life. he'd try to convince you to move out of Gotham, maybe after dumping you he'd convince one of your friends to contact a relative of yours who lives far outside Gotham to try to entice you out of the city because he can't fully concentrate knowing Gotham could get you at any moment.

If you don't leave you'd find that you escape a lot of situations you shouldn't and that known bad guys even pretty big criminals tend to just leave you alone and pretend you don't exist even if you happen to find yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time, a random goon will just escort you out or a mugger would realise his mistake and beg forgiveness and leave all your belongings safely beside you. Redhood follows you a lot not that you know, he wouldn't want to frighten you, on some nights he'll sleep on your balcony or your fire escape just to be near you.

I’m basically reiterating what you’ve already said because it’s so fucking good anon. You took my singular braincell. How dare. 🦦

.Jason cannot focus on both keeping you safe and on clearing Gotham. It’s just not realistic. So if one thing had to give then Jason would selflessly chose to save you from a life of constantly look in over your shoulder. You deserve a better life and unfortunately Jason knows that you’ll never get that dream life staying in Gotham.

.Redhood had a plethora of enemies and Jason didn’t want you to become a victim of his acts of vigilantism. It wasn’t fair on you but Gotham never was or is a fair city for anyone involved. You could be alive and content one moment but dead in a dingy alleyway with corrupt people trying to gloss over your murder the next.

.So like you said anon. He goes to every contact he had that could help him in getting you moved out of Gotham, whether that be friends, family, whoever could aid Jason speed up the process in getting you settled in elsewhere was more then welcomed by him.

.Breaking up with you would be the worst thing Jason ever had to do, which is saying something, but again as much as Jason wanted to be a selfish man, he couldn’t bring himself to keep you in a city that will ultimately be the death of you both in a literal and metaphorical sense. He thought he had finally got the chance to be happy and get to live out his life with you, but when the villain of the week vaguely mentioned you in some capacity, Jason’s blood ran cold as everything in his body went mental; screaming at him to end this fucker right here and now for daring to mention you and demand how they knew.

.However he knew that’s what they wanted confirmation but still a part of his brain made him believe that they already knew of your relationship with redhood and that scared Jason unlike anything else. You were his Achilles heel and he hadn’t even realised that until the moment you were being threatened. And at that point Jason was at a loss of what to do to prioritise your safety because he would do absolutely anything to protect you and keep you safe but sometimes the best thing for him to do was to let you go and hope that you live a better life elsewhere. Far, far, far away from Gotham.

. Maybe sometime in the future when things have calmed down, he’ll visit but that’s never a guarantee. He thinks himself a death omen and he’d rather you live in safety and security. So he stays in Gotham as though he was chained to the damned city. Forbidden from ever leaving. Yet he’ll never forget you and everything you’ve done for him, I’d like to think he’d keep one thing that reminds him of you as a reminder of all the good times you’ve shared. Jason knew his heart would always belong to you and the item he kept was only a reminder of that.

.If you don’t move out of Gotham however, you start to realise that you are the most Luckiest/safest person if there ever was one. Goons, villains, thugs, all of them avoid you as though you were the plague, like you possessed something so potent that had them retreating back into the shadows, hissing as though you’ve burned them without touching them.

Which you did and he happened to be the infamous Redhood. Nobody fucks with you when Redhood is your silent but slightly terrifying guardian looming over you from the rooftops, daring anyone to try anything within his presence and to see where it gets them.

. A thug could’ve been gunning to steal your bag after managing to corner you in some dingy alleyway, holding you a knifepoint, and all of a sudden all the colour in their face vanish as their eyes flickered upwards and boom. Redhood. The thug is shitting it, their eyes are bulging out of their head as they throw the bag back at your feet and mutter ‘I ain’t planning on dying over some stupid bag, fuck that.’ Before running away with their tail between their legs like a little bitch.

. You, confused, would look up in the same place that the thug did. Only to find absolutely nothing before shrugging your shoulders. ‘Must be the drugs he was taking.’ You’d conclude before continuing on your way home to your beautiful boy, Jason.

. I’d like the idea that you caught Redhood sleeping out on your balcony/fire escape one night and now not only are you taking care of your beloved boyfriend but also a 6’2 vigilante who’s built like a brick house with guns strapped to any part of him that you could see. It’s cute and adorable because you’d probably also come to the conclusion that he was the reason why you were being left alone, and to show your gratitude to him you start leaving food, drink and something comfortable to sleep in out for him whenever you could alongside a note that said; ‘thank you for looking out for me but please for the love of god take care of yourself.’

. Jason loves it and finds it’s unbearably cute as he perched himself on your balcony/fire escape, eating your food and making himself comfortable for the night while you slept. He wished he could at least kiss your forehead and wish you a goodnight sleep but he knew he couldn’t and he hated it but as long as you were safe, that’s all Jason could ever ask for. He’ll shower you in affection soon but tonight he was on watch duty.

[everlastiingiimmortals]

a few preliminary headcanons and theories on feixiao, based on existing lore and notes in game (none of these should be spoilers!):

she, i believe, is one of the youngest (if not the youngest) generals currently. the valorous relic set doesn't belong to her, but to the previous yaoqing general, because one of the stories describes exactly what happened during the third abundance war in which they lost their life. what this means is that feixiao rose to her throne only 30 star calendar years ago MAX, and in such a short time frame has become known as one of the best generals in terms of warfare and military prowess, even winning 4 consecutive victories over the abominations in a single year (2-3 years ago).

that relic set also mentions more of the history between the foxians and borisin, especially those of the yaoqing, who are cited to be the most genetically similar to the borisin out of all the ships. what's more is that, while most foxians do not have the capacity to shapeshift (i.e. moon rage/moon madness -- did they change the terminology recently?), it's more common on the yaoqing and feixiao is cited to suffer from it. the reason for this is because the foxian war slaves of the borisin are typically of mixed blood, likely half blood, and the verdant knights of the yaoqing were especially involved in rescuing them. i think that, according to the relic story, the foxian girl mentioned is feixiao, and she's half borisin -- which also is the reason she lacks a foxian tail, because the borisin's tails are stumpy.

further comment on the relic set is her whole "Lacking General" thing, "lacking in worries, regrets and rivals," gives me a very terrible 'ends justify the means' impression. she has claimed countless victories, but at what cost? i hesitate to think she's as concerned about preserving numbers as jing yuan is. this is a prevalent mentality throughout all of the alliance, but especially so in the yaoqing as one of the most aggressive ships of the xianzhou. the previous general has a mantra of 'we are born for war, and we will die for war,' and it's a very clear mentality shared by all cloud knights but, i think, especially the verdant knights of the yaoqing. this is unfortunately also emphasized with the half-foxians, who are stronger and faster but also shorter lived due to the horrific mutations they are at risk of, to the point of being imprisoned in and/or ultimately dying in the armor they once so proudly wore. i think that feixiao is no different, especially with her claim to being a 'perfect weapon'.

the Lacking General sounds so stupid and SHE CHOSE IT HERSELF i love her so fucking much. i genuinely think she has no idea the implications of the nickname on its own or really cares either, she shines confidence out the wazoo and it's amazing

re: the militaristic culture of the xianzhou, it's really no wonder with her track record why she's praised as "the Great General," because the emphasis on victory is so prevalent. this is also why in contrast, jing yuan is considered a coward by enemies and alliance citizens alike. they make for very interesting foils just based on the differences in their personalities and approaches to war (pspsps jing yuans 👀).

this is more of a personal thing than a theory or hc but i also hope she's so mean to jing yuan, because just look at how sushang talks about jing yuan and how she looks down on him compared to feixiao, and jiaoqiu's comment on jing yuan's conduct (which to be fair he did let blade go and lifted dan heng's exile decree without permission) -- mind you fu xuan complained that "jing yuan has committed quite a few violations this time around, and I'll have to deal with them one by one... [sigh] the cloud knight generals are all such a hassle." which gives me the impression that violations are... more common than we think, by all the generals LKHDSAFGKJSH

i. honestly don't think she's well read, both due to her background (and that stupid nickname) and the militaristic culture of the alliance -- especially the yaoqing. i get the impression that she's more of the brawns compared to jing yuan's brains, so she relies far more heavily on her counselors and strategists (jiaoqiu)! to map out plans and such than he does. she's very handy, but she also is described as a perfect weapon, so. yknow. less thinking more fighting.

adding onto that but it's apparent to me that feixiao, while probably involved in the skyfaring commission given the yaoqing's specialty in starskiffs and pilots, probably isn't involved in more administrative matters like jing yuan is, who has ties to the realm-keeping commission and has been involved in regularly transferring and retiring his cloud knights to different departments like with da hao. i get this impression because jing yuan has always been about prevention while feixiao is obviously... not. i don't think she's very big on foresight because who needs it when you kill the enemy first anyway--

a side comment on administration, it's... honestly really quite sad that the yaoqing's realm-keeping commission regulations and sky-faring commission's merchant guilds seem weaker than the luofu's, given how sushang comments in the aurum alley event that the yaoqing has lost a significant aspect of its cultural landmarks and identity thanks to the ipc's involvement in their trade and taking over of the merchant guilds. there's a reason she fought so hard and aggressively for the preservation and revitalization of aurum alley. given that the seat of divine foresight's depository notes oswaldo as a high threat and the damage done to the yaoqing's traditions in the name of convenience and 'modernization', it's not hard to see why the citizens of the alliance tend to react negatively to the ipc even if they have formal trade agreements.

going back to headcanons, based on her half-borisin blood i think that her sense of smell is especially heightened compared to most foxians. i wonder if she's in fact more receptive to lupitoxin, or if it has a different effect on her -- for sure it would probably trigger her moon rage, as it does in full blood borisin. i wonder if she's also more affected by the scent of blood, and perhaps has to take additional medications before fighting the borisin so she's unaffected by both lupitoxin and bloodlust.

feixiao in the midst of bloodlust... surely a terrifying sight to behold. i have a visual in my head of her drenched in the gore of her enemies, screaming a blood-curdling victory cry that's probably far more frightening than morale-boosting. as such...

...i also wonder if jiaoqiu's food and medicine is useful in mitigating or controlling her risk of moon rage? there is something to be said about spicy food being an anecdotal remedy for depression (however this is also contradictory with some correlative studies), and in chinese traditional medicine heating foods (like spicy, hot, or bitter food!) is thought to lessen fatigue and calm and strengthen the heart. i could definitely see this as very useful for countering the side effects of her affliction, especially with bitter or cooling foods quelling the rage.

that said, iron stomach is a go! feixiao loves jiaoqiu's food and will very happily eat anything he offers her without any discomfort in the slightest. super spicy? that's fantastic and delicious! super bitter? that's supposed to be good for her, right? sure! it's good! super sour? she likes the flavor even if her face scrunches up, give her more!

[mecachrome]

extremely 👀👀 about this kind/nice spectrum u brought up and how alex oscar lando and anyone else on the grid are placed on the grid..... would love to know more.........

hi there!!! :D omg yes i would love to talk more about this, though of course disclaimer that these are my Personal Interpretations and i love to spout nonsense on the internet LOL. i'll just expand on oscar + lando + alex some more since frankly i don't know all the other driver lore Like That and i don't want to overstep in my analysis! also i'm deathly afraid of chirlies. ok let's move on

to start off... i think the way we talk about celebrity personas obviously requires some generalization + projection since we can only extrapolate what is already being consciously disseminated, and so although i frequently talk about the kind/nice dichotomy or someone's capacity for sympathy vs. empathy (which is kind of a parallel assessment imo) we are of course all complex people who contain multitudes, and i think it's mostly just interesting to examine strictly in the context of racing & racing mentality... if that makes sense!

also wrt landoscar's personalities → one thing i feel very, VERY strongly about despite their differing surface-level interests and social profiles (read: different flavors of off-track sports, both of them being gamers but to diverging levels of visibility, lando's higher degrees of hyperfixation, etc.) is that at their baseline they are extremely similar people, and honestly even very similar drivers and racing "characters," which ultimately kind of colors most of my analysis. if we peel back the layers then oscar and lando are both functional introverts who've been very well-nurtured by similarly robust, persisting, and loyal support systems—oscar spending 99% of his time off-track with his longtime gf, lando's best mates all being from his karting days, their dads being equally objective about yet also supportive of their careers, jon having trained lando since he was like 5 feet tall, etc.—so to me the overarching difference is that they have diametric approaches to how they externalize their convictions, and then obviously since that's what we see/hear day in & day out it generates the existing rift between their media images. per lando on btg: 

"Oscar is extremely down to earth. A bit like me, just a very normal guy who's in Formula 1, just a guy that loves to drive cars and compete against people, and that's it."

(incoming egregious amounts of lando psychoanalysis...) despite oscar being the only driver i truly rep, i've always found lando's psyche soooo fascinating because he invites such extreme emotion in people (be it positive or negative), and i think part of it does go back to the idea of being nice vs. kind and ultimately the lens through which his intentions are interpreted by other people. in real-people fandom this is always interesting since it ends up becoming an unconscious exercise in how we perceive "sincerity" in others, even though the underlying paradoxical truth is obviously that any such assessment must always be dispersed and consolidated via a parasocial system (and thus everything is held relative to our own individual value systems... This is totally not the point of the ask. SORRY FOR THE MILLION TANGENTS) anyway as an extremely disillusioned sports fan i actually have a lot of time for lando despite how much visceral judgment he generates in quite a few people, which is totally fair since everyone is fully privy to feeling however they want to feel about any celebrity and i am not here to convince them otherwise lol. but that's just me!

i think to me the thing about lando is that there is almost zero pretense to his character, which some dislike because they find his bluntness off-putting, but imo just means his intentions are generally straightforward and easily digestible. sure, he lacks the spoken filter to not come off as occasionally callous, but at the end of the day i genuinely believe that he's an inherently thoughtful (and "kind") person, especially within the insular system of professional motorsport and the many mental pitfalls that accompany it. a symptom of this is how willing he is to resist more gracious media responses and how very inwardly critical he can be in specifically self-motivating ways, the latter of which sometimes gets misinterpreted due to the rigid yet overwhelmingly popular framework of what constitutes a competitive racing mentality. but like... to Me, lando is just entirely what you see is what you get, bad parts included, and he has zero intention of making excuses for that or pretending to be anything otherwise. which i enjoy!

and which again also goes back to the idea of niceness. (honestly the tl;dr for most of lando's pr scandals is just Oh okay so it's illegal to be neurodivergent now? but i'm trying to be normal so let me not just say that.) a good example is the entire debacle of saying he felt no sympathy for daniel at mclaren in 2022, because i think it elucidates a sort of kindness in objectivity that he very plainly participates in—to lando, being a top-performing athlete means never searching for excuses to soften the brunt of one's failures, himself included, and equally that there is no point playing sorry in front of journalists or trying to reshape their narrative scrutiny since at the highest level of competition any bold-faced externalization of "sympathy" is really just pity. and what point is there in telling someone else that you Feel Bad for their skill issue/struggles when the moment you extend that sentiment you essentially debase their position as a direct competitor and therefore disrespect them even more?

"I want to be the best in the world, I want to prove myself to people. But I've never had the mentality or the confidence to say that or feel like I need to do anything more than normal to show it to people. Do I have to do anything to go over the top and show that to prove it? I don't think so. People say you've got to be brutal and you've got to have this certain mentality. But I just don't think it's true at all. I think you’ve just got to get in the car and do the best you can."

i think the Separation of Church (treating everyone exactly as they are on-track, just another car to size up or keep at bay) and State (being friendly, supportive, and altogether well-regarded by other drivers off-track) is a primary tenet of lando's personality, and it's something he achieves by valuing kindness over niceness. you know the lando/maxf quadrant interview where lando is like: i'm not friends with you because of your achievements in life... i just care about your personality! and he's mainly saying it to take the piss out of him but he also 100% does mean that shit. that's the crasyinsane part about lando to me... god i'm so sorry i need to not go on for a million years but PERSONALLY, i think lando is very much the type of person who can go through an experience, or otherwise see someone close to him go through an experience, and approach it very empathetically to the point he continues carrying on this internal conviction about it even when he's survived or grown past it. like even as someone who mostly believes in Death to Relatable Marketing, i find it really interesting when lando talks about mental health in sports because we get to see both a) the fact that he's grown so much in his own mental resilience from his rookie self in 2019 to who he is now, but also b) that he continues to believe strongly in rejecting the presumed archetype of a successful formula 1 driver, and is steadfast in surfacing that even though... honestly? lando nowadays is a very consistent, well-rounded, and efficient talent who frankly doesn't experience nearly as much of the unproductive mentally-spiraling self-criticism that used to impact his performances to a far more pronounced degree when he was younger and rough around the edges. yet he still feels compelled to affirm that there is No One way to be an athlete (which is significant because "mentality" is such a harped-on concept in all sports, and everyone is always trying unfailingly to extrapolate performance-related projections via vague and completely subjective intangibles to a notably unempirical degree!!) because he does care, deeply, about how people enter and succeed in motorsport. honestly i always feel kind of iffy bringing up commentary re: Women In Motorsport because it often sounds unnecessarily adulatory, but at least in recent times i think he's also shown a decent amount of grace when talking about female fans, girls in karting, that one time he was like Bruh who are you? @ that misogynistic reporter, which...... i'm not going to say majorly influences my opinion of him, but imo being willing to quickly shut someone down like that is an anti-niceness to a productive end that i appreciate, since i think many personalities would kind of just smile bemusedly and try to quickly move on in the conversation.

tl;dr lando thinks feeling bad for people is useless and will never give you that one tidy sympathetic soundbite, but he does care for people vividly, especially off-track, which to him is the only place kindness really matters anyway. when you look at maxf (and i know this is mainly a portrait of codependency unique to their friendship but i do think it reflects his love languages in general) whose career cratered because he mentally couldn't handle the pressure, lando's response was literally to unfailingly engage in failcore househusband chores for him like leaving handwritten notes in his 3rd grade girl handwriting and ironing his clothes on stream........ which... i could go on forever but again. separation of church and state!!!

anyway with oscar on the other hand, i honestly think most things in his life kind of just exist as a function of motorsport LOL. and that he likes surrounding himself with people of similar interests/intellectual level/skillsets, down to his partner studying engineering and wanting to work in the same industry as him....... again, i think 814's baseline characters are Very similar and that they're both great team players with complementary professional approaches, so this is not a knock on either of their personalities, but imo lando is just generally more outwardly sentimental and has also had to do a lot of conscious growing up in the past ~4 years to become more well-rounded wrt off-track interests, whereas oscar basically came onto the grid as this already fully-realized product with far fewer dependencies who is just nonchalantly like, I see my family 3 weeks a year and my sisters just think i'm their lame older brother and don't care about my career at all, but i'm fine with that and i'd make all the same sacrifices i've made over and over again to get where i am!!! also re: oscar's abject lack of interest in engaging with fans one-on-one, an easy example is how lando genuinely values/treasures the friendship bracelets he gets and wears them consistently whereas oscar is just like. Erm. i respect it but that is not for me ✋😭 he's nice about fan things because he understands how much fan support and consumerist interest enable the circus that is formula 1 but he doesn't really value any of it much past the surface-level pleasantries......

why is this answer so long............... idk if you want to hear anything more about alex but i think he's very similar to oscar in terms of this measured external niceness/quiet ruthlessness, especially wrt how they weather team politics, interact with media (noted red bull marketing hater alex albon), and tend to simply Do The Thing To Do The Thing. alex is especially interesting because if you watch his high performance pod it reveals sooooo much of his growth over the years and his current mental framework ("i was having to be selfless, and it didn't really agree with me that much") and frankly even just the way he speaks about himself is fascinating to me but i digress!!! i do think much of lando's tactless impulse yet also apparent kindness comes from his considerably privileged background and the fact that he was shown a lot of Realistic But Also Unconditional Support and thus never had his career actively threatened growing up. so even though he's had to learn to not mentally catastrophize at the f1 level, he didn't undergo the reckoning alex did with his mother/losing rb's team backing/etc., which alex mentions in this podcast as specifically triggering his insatiable desperation to prove himself.......... and so on. alex and oscar to me are both quite similar in how they let more combative thoughts simmer and are very well-trained in responding palatably to the media, but they're also going to resist relating themselves too much to other people's struggles because That Is Not Their Problem, and at the end of the day oscar is uh.... sure he has a lot of appreciation for mclaren and has called prema a family before, but he really only wants to win for himself and is less inclined than lando is to romanticize the spirit of the Team. and so when he says things like "for me, there’s just not any point, especially in self-deprecation, destroying yourself in front of the media," it's a Niceness because his assessments are always entirely self-absorbed in the most productive of senses, as in he truly only cares about what he himself is doing and is never going to waste time worrying about or comparing himself to his competitors' mental approaches!

does any of this make sense. please excuse the monstrous rambling 😭 but also please feel free to follow up with your own takes/lore about any driver if you'd like to, or to tell me that i'm absolutely wrong if you'd like, because i always love to hear about these things!!! :3c

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

Man. How did I forget that an entire subplot of Dazai's main story was just. Trying to trap him into having a single conversation with MC like a normal person I'm so akhdjgfkljshgskjd

I just love watching her, Arthur, and Isaac deadass plot with glee to get one over on Dazai it's killing me, this is some Hamlet level shit (no Charles do not stand behind the curtain to kill Dazai coming in the window!!! yamero!!!!!)

Also because I felt personally attacked (/j) when Isaac said this:

I love you Isaac but pls have mercy on creatives we only have one brain cell and we're trying s o hard oTL

Although, and I'll leave it under the cut since I'm back on my Comte-posting, but the way Comte talks about Dazai fascinates me. Also just as fair warning, I do broach a lot of the topics that come up in Dazai rt so trigger warnings for self-harm, suicide, CPTSD and PTSD, trauma, etc. I don't go too too in-depth, but they are there.

Comte: "Dazai is quite skilled at concealing what he's really feeling, even from himself, perhaps."

The way he instantly remarks on how Dazai is not only working to conceal what he feels from others, but also from himself. Tbh I think that's enormously perceptive, because at first glance most people tend to think Dazai is lazy, troublesome, flippant, or erratic (and sometimes, a combination of all of these).

I love that he sees to the core of who Dazai is and what he's feeling; fear. Dazai is afraid of hurting someone again, but I also think on some level he's made it an ontological problem; he's afraid of himself. He thinks his very existence is a negative entity, something that exists only to hurt and/or estrange other people, something wrong/different. I'd argue that's why he's so adamant about mood-making and keeping to himself. If you never express how you truly feel or live true to yourself, on some level you can't entirely reach others. Because fundamentally, being close to other people does require some level of lowered defenses and sharing. Ergo, never dwell too long or give too much of yourself away, never make a mark on anyone--good or bad.

As a side note, Theo calls him "a half-strewn dandelion puff" and I agree that's rather blunt, but on some level Theo operates on a level of utility. His entire operating precept is that life and work must serve a discrete purpose. And Dazai, in choosing to opt out of living with meaning/intent out of fear, makes this description entirely consistent with Theo's perspective of the world. Though his phrasing is harsh and perhaps one-dimensional, I do find it interesting that he comes to a similar conclusion as Comte as to what Dazai is doing.

Comte talks about it with such clarity and calm, he really does feel so parental in this moment. He's not necessarily minimizing the reality of how Dazai is experiencing the world, but he also clearly doesn't agree with Dazai's self-perception. Perhaps most striking to me is how Comte seems to understand that the only threat Dazai poses is to himself...Sometimes it feels like, in the case of conditions like mental illness/depression/etc. people are so eager to assume ill will of a person. This is only exponentially compounded if they prove to have striking intelligence and strategic capacity, the same way Dazai does. I guess I can't help but appreciate that Comte knows the difference between strong and scared, and even how the lines between the two can and often do blur (perhaps best exemplified in his relationships with Jeanne and Dazai).

(Side note: I forgot which event it was but, one time when Dazai was homesick for cherry blossom watching, Comte had the entire house filled with flowers to cheer him up [insert ugly sobbing]).

For someone so enigmatic, evasive, and distant, Comte still notices instantly that Dazai is much, much happier with MC. I suppose it makes me wonder if Comte knew all along that Dazai's real wish was to be accepted and loved as he was, but kept quiet out of respect for his privacy. I would offer too that sometimes people need to realize these things on their own for the information to have value.

But what really gets my ass is what Comte says right after:

This is my bread and butter (so is he but that's not the point of this particular TED talk). In the last few years I've done a lot of exploratory work on how trauma is mapped both internally but also visibly on the body. What I think is engaging here is that, while it could be read on a surface level as "body language gives people's true intentions away" I don't think that's quite what he's getting at. Or perhaps better phrased, it's an oversimplification. I don't think it's that body language can't communicate real and important information about people's lives. Rather, that people associate rigid and absolutist interpretations to singular mannerisms, which does a disservice to both parties. Nobody can know a person at a glance; to say that you do reduces the lived reality of the opposite party.

Comte gives simple examples and couches his words for the context of the moment, but I think that first line is incredibly telling. "But the body is remarkably truthful." It makes me think of how, in moments where Comte is overcome with anxiety as a result of traumatic recurrence, he has acute panic attacks (i.e. shortened breath, racing heart, trembling). How Leonardo's lethargy (i.e. napping on the floor everywhere like the hobo he is) belies the reality of his very real exhaustion, the emotional turmoil that comes with a fraught immortal life.

Dazai's endless struggle with dissociation and self-harm, the way he stood in the rain unmoving at the thought of MC returning home to the modern era. Whether to numb himself from the pain of that grief/loneliness, or perhaps more likely the self-immolation of subjecting himself to the re-enactment of the most harrowing moment of his life. To relive that anguish as a reminder; to abstain from making the same mistake ever again. Jeanne's endless bodily tension, struggles with basic self-care (appears to be interoception-based; reduced signalling of the need to eat/rest/etc.), and self-isolation to cope in a world where only the strong survive. Never safe, always alone, always defensive.

I think, for many people in general but especially people who have been through intense PTSD/CPTSD/etc., it can be hard to express these feelings directly. Whether they are forcibly silenced, ridiculed into self-derision/self-concealment, or are overwhelmed by emotions that are difficult to process--each manifests itself in unconventional ways. It means a lot to me when those phenomena are portrayed so sensitively in written works/media, that they're explored with real intention and narrative subtlety to communicate how hard it is for people who are wounded or simply different (or both, as often is the case).

Addendum:

Even more than that, and this is an observation at the end of Dazai's route, is Comte's open belief that life is something to be cherished. Of course, like any other person he has behaviors he won't abide and people he doesn't feel partial to, but by and large he doesn't take life lightly. Perhaps that's why he doesn't expect Dazai to resort to such measures again, in conjunction with the circumstances of his transition. From an outsider perspective, I could see how Comte might assume Dazai no longer wishes for that if he seemed to regret his initial course of action by seeking resurrection. There is also the implication that Dazai is always at war with himself, and therefore might give contradictory impressions; one moment he wants to live, the next he doesn't. This is precisely what led him to ask Charles for help to subdue his own 'cowardice.' (His terms, not mine. [bonks him]) There is a sizeable subset of s-word survivors who, after recovery, feel that their problems were actually solvable despite their despair in the moment.

Of course, that doesn't apply to everyone, but I think there's something to be said of Comte feeling such real affection for the mansion boys that he is stricken to find out what Dazai attempted. And perhaps unsurprisingly, very adamant to keep him from ever pursuing such a course of action again. He's incredibly vulnerable about his horror that he might have inflicted something on Dazai that he never wanted in bringing him back, though Dazai comfortably refutes any lack of agency in the situation.

I guess I feel very compelled by the duality inherent in Comte's glass heart, precisely because of how realistic it feels. His greatest strength is his sensitivity, but it's also his greatest weakness in tandem. His genuine care for Dazai--the unwavering belief that his life is valuable and worthy--ends up being the reason he doesn't anticipate Dazai's rather deeply entrenched self-loathing. And to be honest, I'm a bit inclined to agree; looking back on a third reading Dazai feels way too hard on himself. It feels like the young girl's death was more a catalyst for what Dazai was already feeling, than anything. Dazai wanted so badly to have a reason to despise himself (as he already disliked how different and out of place he naturally felt) and with this, his self-reproach could have a viable, rational explanation. A locus outside of his body by which to rationalize his self-hatred. Accident or not becomes irrelevant; he was involved, and thus he is guilty.

He reminds me a lot of that post that was circulating once about how cultish behavior inculcates intelligent people with more devastating pull than one might expect, because intelligent people can more easily and more insistently find ways to desperately rationalize their situation to function in that whirlpool of abuse. Dazai feels like he's in this same such Catch-22, so busy believing he deserves to be scorned (because of how well he hides his perceived abnormalities) that he takes steps to ensure and reinforce it. He wants and needs to see his reality make sense, and if it won't answer his designs he will find a way to make it so.

It fascinates me because Dazai is an incredibly complex example of someone who desires control, but instead of inflicting it with external rapacity, he targets his own internal state. I once heard a Buddhist explain: yes, it is a sign of disturbance to engage with others aggressively and without grace. However, it is also a sign of disturbance when the mind seeks to harm one's own body. Although Dazai's disturbance is not as apparent, it is there. And that's part of what makes him so excruciatingly compelling to me, in a lot of ways he is the manifestation of the Sisyphean suffering of being ill in a quiet way. In enduring and smiling and laughing because you don't want to burden others--or know you're not allowed to--all while you slowly bleed from the inside out.

[miragee19]

THE NIBELHEIM INCIDENT

I would like to present a short essay on why I think Nibelheim was fully Jenova's making, and what was her intention with it.

I fully accept that fans strongly support the idea that it was hundred percently Sephiroth's own action and I'm honestly not trying to convert anyone to believe it was otherwise, I'm only offering a different perspective.

We don't know what species Jenova is or what kind of emotional capacities she has, but it's fair to assume that she knows - or at least with the time she'd spent among cetrans and humans she's already found out - that cetrans and humans build emotional bonds with each other and use it as their support system for their survival and general well-being.

Jenova - being an overmind - can influence other organisms' thoughts and actions that have her cells in them. In order to take full control over them, however, said individual must lose control of their mind and more importantly, must lose their will to fight to take it back.

As we see from Zack's example, a healthy human mind could resist submitting to Jenova's control, and even Cloud, who was severely mentally disturbed, could fight back against her each time pretty successfully.

I would like to make a point here by saying that the chances to fight back Jenova's domination on someone's mind are higher when said person has strong supportive emotional bonds with other people, or at least has peace with themselves. We could see it several times that soft touches, kind words from Tifa could snap Cloud back from submitting to mind control.

Sephiroth's psyche was very fragile by the time he arrived to Nibelheim. He lost his best friends not long ago, the only people he really loved and bonded with, and he was understandably severely depressed. He had no direction or much faith in anything and the only things that kept him going were routine and a sense of duty.

I'm not ruling out the possiblility that Jenova even messed with Angeal's and Genesis' mind in order to separate them from Sephiroth both physically and emotionally. Whether Genesis' reactor speech was respresented by Jenova's influence or simply by the result of his own degradation, he successfully made Sephiroth hit the rock bottom mentally.

By the time Sephiroth started reading the books in the basement, he was not only grieving Angeal but was deeply hurt by Genesis' words as well. The next days were spent reading, overthinking, feeling betrayed, feeling despatate, slowly dying inside.

However, Sephiroth was still Sephiroth, looked up by many, trusted and respected by many. He still had an imporant role and a well-earned place in human society. Although at that time not very close to him emotionally, there were still people who cared about him in one way or another, whom he could lean on, or bond with in the future.

Jenova - executing the Nibelheim incident - made sure that absolutely no one would look up to Sephiroth anymore. No one would trust or even care about him. She made him lose his last remaining hopes to build himself back from scratch, to be a strong and valuable human being in the future. And she secured it for him that there would be no turning back.

Cinematically speaking, when you look at the scenario where the village is burning, even his motions are kind of robotic.

Let's say if Cloud succesfully killed Tifa or Aerith - no matter under what kind of influence - would the party still trust him? The bare minimum is that they would abandon him, if not outright try to kill him.

I believe Jenova making Sephiroth burn down Nibelheim and making him kill many innocent people was her particular way to make sure he has no other option left than submitting to her will.

[ettawritesnstudies]

in the tags on a recent post you said your day job is "mind numbingly simple" do you know if that's common of chemical engineering jobs?

(i am currently pursuing a chemical engineering degree and honestly don't know that much about chemical engineering jobs. but i would not mind a simple job that gives me mental capacity left to write at the end of the day)

So it strongly depends on the kind of engineering work you end up going into and any job will vary in complexity on a day to day basis but with a chemical engineering job you have a lot of different options!

Specifically I'm a R&D Applications Engineer/Technical Customer Service in a polymer science role for a big international corporation so I'm working with existing products in a company and figuring out how to make them work for customers who are having issues.

What this looks like on a project to project basis is that we get an email from the customer or the plant outlining the problem and what kind of material they're sending us to test, I design the experiments we need to do to validate all the variables and properties, and then I spend a few weeks in the lab churning out data, then plug it into an Excel spreadsheet, crunch the numbers, throw that in a PowerPoint, and send it off to the relevant personnel.

The mind numbingly simple part is the standing in lab running through tests because it's hands-on labor that requires very little thinking once you've established your parameters. I usually just put on an audiobook or a podcast to kill time. The design of experiment can get somewhat complex and you have to be very good at time management if you have multiple projects with time sensitive lab components going on at once, but the number crunching has never required anything more complicated than 10th grade algebra. I'm not doing much chemical formulation either, just following established recipes and procedures within my company, but I'm learning more specific stuff as I go.

Now I'm only a year out of college and I've never had an internship or anything that WASN'T in a non-lab setting, so I can't speak to how something like a Process Engineer spends their time. I knew I didn't like being out on the plant floor because it's often Loud and Dirty and Sensory Overload so I tried to avoid applying for those roles. You learn a lot more about the production that way though, just not my cup of tea. You also have chemical engineers who design entire chemical plants and control systems (which is very very cool and important but I was bad at those classes lmao). Some also go the biochemical angle and get into pharmaceuticals but medicine scares me.

That's just my personal take but I encourage you to talk to your professors and upperclassman and see what they have to say! Career fairs >>>>>>> linked in for getting anywhere in this hell of a job market if your school has them and I hope you have a better time of it than I did during the COVID times. 🫡

[skyler10fic]

It's amazing sometimes the very offline world my family lives in. In their (conservative, but moderate, not the culture war people) bubble, they have no idea why anyone would not want to go to Hobby Lobby or Chick-fil-A. They were only vaguely aware of the evangelicals boycotting Harry Potter or Disney in the 90s and 00s and even more unaware of anyone's reasons for boycotting them now. They have no idea Rowling is on Twitter or what the word transphobia means, are somewhat unsurprised that something is happening in the Middle East but aren't very interested in what it is this time since there's always something horrible there, and have no context for who JD Vance is outside of being their party's VP nomination. They hate Trump but would never say so or do anything about it besides be disgrunted and roll their eyes at their more conservative friends.

They don't want gay people or abortion to be criminalized, but wish we could all just stop talking about them, and the need for gay rights and abortions would just magically go away so no one would have to fight over them anymore. And by go away, they mean "I don't know have to know they still very much exist." Out of sight, out of mind. Same for poverty and homelessness and racism and religious division and political parties. Let's just all stop acknowledging uncomfortable things and we don't have to ever deal with them.

Which is why they can't click on articles describing Harris's political agenda or qualifications, acknowledge COVID didn't go away after getting the original vaccinations, read posts about queer history or allyship, talk about mental health, or watch videos about the police or military being anything other than "imperfect heroes." In their minds, all parents have their kids' best interests in mind, the GOP in power is the only way to keep their hard-earned money as small business owners, Israel is our troubled rookie ally trying to do the right thing but needs our help and mentorship to get out of their version of Trump years, most men (historical and modern) are just trying their best and we're too hard on them, and corporations are generally good and earned their profits fair and square through old-fashioned hard work.

Their brains are literally incapable of handling information that counters this.

Why don't I correct them? I do, as carefully, slowly, and amicably as I can for them to be able to handle it. But they can't hear it. They simply do not have the ability to say "I was wrong. I'm sorry. I need to learn more and will do so. My friends and community are all getting this wrong. I can't stand by in silence." They don't have that wiring. At no point will they have the emotional capacity and maturity to be able to go there. These are the voters who show up to every election, who consider it an important civic duty, even when they have no idea what these candidates actually stand for or how their policies will impact them. We have to keep trying to reach them and educate them, but sometimes the best thing we can do is simply not let them be the highest represented group at the polls. Being informed and showing up, not giving into nihilism and despair and perfectionism, using pragmatism to get us closer to where we want to be, and understanding these very offline, intentionally ignorant people are going to show up regardless out of tradition. Even if they don't understand what they are voting on and don't want to know. PLEASE please outvote them. Please show up.

[lover-of-skellies]

What about Fresh Sans?? lmao

Fresh gets a smooch-ability rating of 4. There's a fair amount of risks involved because he's so unpredictable, but if you want a more in depth explanation on the rating itself, you can find it below the cut

1) How dangerous is Fresh's mouth? His teeth aren't sharp or jagged at all by any means and they're flat, so one would assume his mouth is safe. Parasite aside, I'm giving his mouth itself a 2 for safety. I will talk about the parasite too, but it'll be in another section

2) Would Fresh bite? If he felt like being a heathen, then yes, I'm convinced he would. It completely depends on the circumstances and if he wants to get a reaction out of you. Is he aggressive? Well, we've seen how he interacts with others in Underverse. While it seems playful and lighthearted, everything he does happens for a reason. He's got ulterior motives and things you don't know about going through his head, and if he thought he needed to be aggressive for whatever reason, he's more than willing and capable of doing so. All things considered, he gets no points for this

3) Are there any health hazards to the smoocher? If you remember the fact that he's a weird little parasite that hijacks people's bodies, then yes, that in and of itself poses a threat to the smoochers wellbeing. Due to how having your mouth too close to his for too long could lead to your body being hijacked and him being an untrustworthy little turd, he gets 0 points for this one

4) Does he have a sympathetic backstory? From what I understand, he's literally just this weird parasite who popped into existence at one point, and decided to make it everyone else's problem. So no, his backstory isn't very sympathetic. He doesn't even have the capacity to feel guilt or sadness over what he does to people; he can only mimic those feelings based on what he's seen and read, which makes his entire story even less sympathetic. I love him, but I'm forced to give 0 points again

5) Does he deserve a smooch? Body hijacking, blatant lying, occasional manipulation and tampering with other people's things, then harassing others for the lolz already make him undeserving (to me), but the cherry on top is his gremlin behavior. While it's funny to watch it happen to other people, you probably wouldn't enjoy it very much if it happened to you, repeatedly, without rhyme or reason, and at random times without warning. 0 points, once again

6) Is Fresh cute or cool? His colorful outfits are pretty eye bleeding and his particular dialect and way of speaking is obnoxious at best, and completely incomprehensible and infuriating at worst. He's not necessarily a cutesy character, and his design gives me a headache to look at with all the clashing colors and neons, but I do love it, oddly enough. I have no idea why, either. His design is a very distinct one and its entirely unique to him, and he's very entertaining and spontaneous. While I wouldn't wanna deal with him myself, I do enjoy reading things or looking at art or other media that he's in. So for this, I'll give 2 coolness points

Fresh's smooch-ability rating is 4. If it's your first time meeting him, you'll be getting a smooch either way. If you've already met him, then a smooch would either make him mentally blue screen for a moment, before he cracks some kind of weird joke about it or not-so-subtley tells you not to do it again. If it goes horribly wrong at any point, you could be really badly hurt or lose your body to a purple starfish looking parasite. That risk doesn't really seem worth it to me, but hey, it's on you if you wanna take the gamble and plant a smooch on him

[vickyvicarious]

The Captain's final entry has finally arrived, and it has a fair bit in common with Jonathan's final entry/more generally several of his earlier entries. I've just been having fun kind of mentally collecting them, so here's what I have specifically noticed...

First off, I already wrote a post about a couple earlier similarities in how they both write to keep a clear record when strange things are happening, and how they both indulge the superstition of others (only to later realize the truth of it). So there's that. But then there's a bunch more recent stuff as well.

I am beginning to feel this nocturnal existence tell on me. It is destroying my nerve. Jonathan, 12 May Still fog, which the sunrise cannot pierce. I know there is sunrise because I am a sailor, why else I know not. Captain, 4 August

One of the first things Dracula does with Jonathan is keep him up all night to get him on a nocturnal schedule. While Jonathan eventually spends more time awake during the day when he knows Dracula is weakest, it seems like Dracula kept up their late-night talks until almost the end, meaning that every time he did so it came at the cost of losing some sleep. Even when he does get to sleep, there are some hints that he often has nightmares. (I'm not adding any sleeping quotes here because the points go together, and there would be so many to collect.)

With the Captain, one of Dracula's earliest/most persistent methods of torment is to deprive the crew of their sleep. The storms, if you believe he summoned them, start pretty early. Even if you don't buy that though, their fear leading to double watch even as more and more of them disappear leads to less rest. And then when the Captain is able to rest well he's awakened to find even more death. Eventually, Dracula deprives him of sunlight too, by surrounding the ship in a fog so thick that it's hard to even tell when it is day or night.

I am alone in the castle with those awful women. Jonathan, 30 June

While the Captain doesn't have any such clear quote, it is very much a major detail that he is entirely alone with Dracula at the end. In a sense, this is a contrast, because Dracula being gone is what makes Jonathan talk about being alone with such fear, but the essentials of the situation are the same: they're trapped in a place they cannot leave, with only vampire(s) for company who want to kill them - there's even an extra parallel if you add in the person they both feared/relied on has recently left (not that the first mate and Dracula fill the same role, but in this specific way it's kind of an echo).

I have placed the crucifix over the head of my bed—I imagine that my rest is thus freer from dreams; and there it shall remain. Jonathan, 12 May I shall tie my hands to the wheel when my strength begins to fail, and along with them I shall tie that which He—It!—dare not touch; and then, come good wind or foul, I shall save my soul, and my honour as a captain. Captain, 4 August

They both rely on a crucifix to protect them from Dracula... at least in a limited capacity. Jonathan has seen its efficacy proven, while the Captain more just has faith in it driving off demonic beings like Dracula must be. There's kind of a neat contrast in their opinion of the crucifix itself in that way, with Jonathan initially dismissing it as idolatrous but somewhat reevaluating his own faith once seeing that it affects Dracula, while the Captain at one point fears that he's been abandoned by God but later finds refuge in holding on to his own faith, with the crucifix itself serving as a physical manifestation of that.

And then away for home! away to the quickest and nearest train! away from this cursed spot, from this cursed land, where the devil and his children still walk with earthly feet! Jonathan, 30 June

Jonathan finally decides to risk it all to flee for home, finishing his original round trip. The Captain lashes himself to the helm so that nothing can stop him from completing his journey to the best of his ability. Both their final acts of defiance are in an effort to try and reach other people, to defy being trapped alone with these monsters.

If this book should ever reach Mina before I do, let it bring my good-bye. Jonathan, 4 May At least God's mercy is better than that of these monsters, and the precipice is steep and high. At its foot a man may sleep—as a man. Good-bye, all! Mina! Jonathan, 30 June If we are wrecked, mayhap this bottle may be found, and those who find it may understand; Captain, 4 August

Both Jonathan and the Captain realize that there is every chance they will not survive their journey/live beyond their final entry. Jonathan verbalizes the possibility of his death much earlier and more often, but in the end both of them write their final lines with the hope of an outside audience who can learn from their experience and understand why they did what they did. They also both choose to face a likely death. (Jonathan's choice to flee at all costs is maybe closer to the mate's choice to escape into the sea than the captain's decision to stay, but in both cases they hope to preserve their words even after their own death.)

This was the being I was helping to transfer to London, where, perhaps, for centuries to come he might, amongst its teeming millions, satiate his lust for blood, and create a new and ever-widening circle of semi-demons to batten on the helpless. The very thought drove me mad. A terrible desire came upon me to rid the world of such a monster. Jonathan, 30 June But I am captain, and I must not leave my ship. [...] ... well, then all men shall know that I have been true to my trust. God and the Blessed Virgin and the saints help a poor ignorant soul trying to do his duty.... Captain, 4 August

Both Jonathan and the Captain act at least partially out of a sense of duty. Jonathan early on is determined to do his duty by Mr. Hawkins; on his final day in the castle, he feels a responsibility to try and stop Dracula from going to London. Sure, it's mixed in with his own hatred and (wild) desire for revenge, but at least part of the reason he attacks Dracula with a shovel is because he doesn't want to be a part of getting him what he wants. He doesn't want to help transfer him to London.

The Captain, ironically, chooses to hold fast to try and transfer his cargo to England. Or at least, he feels loyal to his responsibilities and duties as a captain. He's failed in protecting his crew, and he will probably fail in completing his journey/protecting his ship as well, but he is determined to try his best until the very end. And I think part of this determination is the same kind of refusal to capitulate to Dracula that Jonathan shows on Shovel Day. As readers, we know it would be better if the Captain intentionally scuttled his ship... but from the Captain's perspective, everything that has happened so far has been detrimental to him completing his trip. The storms, the crew being picked off, the fog getting him lost when he nears shore... as far as he knows, it may well seem like the monster on board doesn't want him to reach land. And so his effort to do just that is just as much in stubborn defiance of Dracula's will (as he perceives it) as Jonathan's attempted attack was.

[gentleeclipsey]

Was it worth it?

I swear to god if this is who I think it is I'm going to lose my fucking mind. I'm going to be brutally fucking honest about my feelings and I don't care, if you decide to read this that's on you. I have blocked you five times, there is a hint and then there's a blatant get the fuck away from me.

But, if you're not who I think you are, in some capacity I'd say yes. Fair warning, a lot of bad stuff mentioned, also a bit of a rant because I've never told anyone outside a few friends who aren't on tumblr. Also I'm sorry, this is gonna be long and disjointed, the whole thing makes me angry to an unnatural degree, I've never been this angry at someone in my life. TL;DR just below the cut:

TL;DR: my ex destroyed my mental state and Trollhunters made me realize that, now I'm single and happier for it. Now onto the rage.

I made a lot of friends despite my partner's actions, and I have characters who I absolutely love, I'm free, I feel good, I'm not scared to be alive. I'd say it wasn't worth all the bullshit I put up with. I'm angry at myself because I was so spineless, even now I still can't fucking make heads or tails of half the shit that happened.

I don't care anymore. They'll always see me as a horrible person, I did my best and I was never enough, I'd never be enough no matter how much I tried. No matter how many times I cried, no matter how many times I had to hide things from myself so I wouldn't leave new marks, no matter how many times I apologized, it'd always be my own fault and at this point I've just accepted I was fucking pathetic and horrible and I don't care. I had to spend every waking fucking moment catering to them, talking to them, and they'd get angry because I wouldn't realize what was wrong and I wouldn't fucking pry it out of them and bend over backwards for days to make them feel better. I had to ask for a break somewhere in the middle because between classes, work, and them, I was so fucking overwhelmed and I tried to explain it to them but they didn't believe me or didn't care but every time they had the chance they'd rub my face in the fact they were so hurt over the fact I needed a break to regather myself.

Mind you, their pain was more important than mine. When I first had Jackie, she was my favorite OC. I loved using her, I still do, but they hid their feelings about her for so long that when they told me they didn't like her and called my emotions toxic for being upset. When they tried to rub that break in my fucking face again I told them about the absolute painful hurt I felt over what they told me and most essentially they basically told me that pain didn't mean anything because it wasn't like their pain. I was fucking trying to craft her to be appealing to them, to make her what they wanted so we could just be happy again but they fucking threw all that out the window.

Wanna hear the best part? I couldn't fucking talk to anyone outside of them publicly, even to use Jackie with others despite the fact they hated her. I have Sage to thank, because they were the first person I interacted with publicly that made me start seeing my partner for who they were. They got so fucking mad over a short text RP, later told me they wanted me to make friends, then fucking went back on it and fucking got upset because I apparently treated people I talked to casually better than them.

They rubbed my face in the fact they had breakdowns in public because of shit they started. When I'd pass out they'd get quiet with me and have a short temper but if they passed out I had to be understanding. If they vanished for days at a time I wasn't allowed to be upset but if I vanished they'd have a fucking breakdown. I made myself be so understanding to them becsuse they were sick and they never fucking thought twice. Never. Because I wasn't sick like them that meant I always had to be perfectly fine. Always. Perfectly. Fucking. Fine. They admitted to me they tried to train me. Train me. Like I'm a dog. Like I'm a fucking dog. I cannot begin to tell you the absolute whirlwind of rage I felt in the moment I read that but I kept my head by some fucking miracle.

Trollhunters is what broke the back of all the shit that'd been happening. It started with Undertale, it ended with Trollhunters, and they took my fucking OC from me and told me for years that that OC wasn't mine exclusively, and now I don't have a fucking choice. I can't even begin to describe the absolutely disgusting anger I feel over the fact I literally can do nothing to get my OC back because they've told me for years she wasn't mine and I can't fucking remember anything clearly and I doubt myself constantly now. I cannot begin to describe the absolute disgust it makes me feel I can't do anything to fucking get my OC back and that I hate more of my OCs because of their bullshit.

To contact a fucking artist, an amazing, wonderful person fucking 5 years later and say that I stole their OC and to take down the art? What the fuck. Funnily enough, I have Jackie most specifically to thank for making me realize! Wanna know what the fuck they said to me? "I was upset because I felt you loved her more than me." I WISH I WAS FUCKING LYING. I have so few screenshots but Jesus fucking christ I cannot explain to you the absolute seriousness in which that was stated.

I cannot even begin to describe the anger I feel over everything that happened. Not in the fucking slightest. They always accused me of not loving them anymore, of hating them, when they first started saying that it wasn't true, but now I can't fucking stand the idea of them anymore. I hope they see all the shit I do now, how much I draw Jackie being happy despite their shit.

So yeah. I have Trollhunters and Jackie to thank for helping me realize how bad things had gotten, because if it weren't for my absolute hyperfocus on it I don't think I would've seen what'd happened as soon as I did. There are so many emotions in here I can't describe at all, and I know if they saw this they'd immediately try attacking me publicly. Hell they might see this because I've had to block four fucking accounts already. Five if you count discord.

I feel like I should've taken way more screenshots than I did, but I'm not going to post them, I want to move on from this but I have so much simmering rage over what's happened its taking me a while. They're not in the Trollhunters fandom, at least, they're barely on social media as is aside from lingering accounts. Trollhunters is my safe space now, as is Jackie and my closest friends.

[personishfive]

can i ask for your thoughts on all of the phantom thieves ?

i feel like im being interviewed lol... and well i've completed p5(r) 3 times + i'm starting my 4th right now so clearly i have a lot of thoughts so i don't know how to boil it down into a sensible easily communicated response to a tumblr ask haha...

basically i love everyone...um. in short (p5(r) spoilers):

joker: the most trans in any direction character, stylish, fun, mostly-silent swag. i love protagonists. joker can hold multitudes. insert the behind the mask lyrics. i think about 3rdsembadend a lot. also "canon" names wise i prefer akira by a fair amount if that matters. keeping them unnamed in my comics is a deliberate choice though haha

mona: people need to stop being mean to him he's literally a cat. my brother loves him :) little guy... yeah okumura palace sucks but most of the others have shitty moments too...lol. he's literally a little guy what more do you want. ask me about my thoughts on his gender

ryuji: my best friend!! i think i enjoy him more and more over time he's so ride or die. just a swell dude. such a bro. simple in a good way. aftermath aside his moment in shidopalace is so iconic of him

ann: my second favorite 5 character i love her so so so much. maybe her relevance drops hard post-kamoshida but do i look like i care. she makes me happy :) and also she will forever be iconic for the whole "he can't suffer if he's dead" thing. there are types of characters that i like.

yusuke: okay. confession. the reason yusuke's barely showed up in gomics (he was in the background One time) is because i'm bad at drawing him and worse at writing him (i'm aware the standard of writing for these things is low (lol) but i just can't channel his vibe. being an artist and Like That doesn't even help). i love him though!! he's so funny and his confidant rules. etc. one of those characters that i don't think of 24/7 but when i do think about him it's like. explosion

makoto: she'll figure things out.

futaba: little sister obtained...!! she's my everything. like...dude. i don't know how to put it into words to be quite honest she's just so real. so real. so real!! her palace was good :') she's really fun and resonates so well emotionally... mental illness represent and stem kid solidarity (i do not have the capability of hacking into the government). iconic that they gave her the male velvet suit.

haru: she really needed more screentime i know that's not a new thing to say but it's true she gets overshadowed SO bad. i adore haru... it's. um. the like. reservedness? like she's been holding things back. and strength. and the "i am no longer your subservient puppet". it's interesting how she doesn't get proper resolution for her palace-related troubles like the others (read: dad got assassinated)...and yeah the gap moe of her capacity for violence also. #girl

goro: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. yeah. um. he's my favorite. anyway

sumire: i like her a lot, just more in theory than in practice if that makes sense... why did they put her hair back up and steal her glasses... i think her inclusion in sae's palace is kind of nonsensical but i get it i guess it's for returning players and all. love the cinderella thing she has going on. she's sweet. she has so little time to really shine which is a bummer. i like her. she's a good contrast to the other two in 3rdsem and funny also.

[digisurvive]

A little post about Aoi's values...

...so that we can appreciate how deeply ideological her corruption arc is.

Previously, I talked a bit about how Plutomon's extremism ties with the game's conflict around individualism and collectivism. What makes this corruption great is that it's stemming from the values Aoi has always held; as much as they enable her to be someone who can be very generous and kind, they also serve as justification for her most intransigent and oppressive postures. This is because what she values can be summed up as follows:

Social propiety: From talking to your superiors and elders with the due respect, knowing your place in the hierarchy, and general politeness and good behavior, you can see her correcting others based on this multiple times. Which is part of the reason the group is so hierarchical earlier on, as she enforces this a lot.

Social conformity: This is mostly apparent in the way she tries her best to fulfill the external expectations placed on her, be it academically, socially or in her own behavior, despite the misgivings she might hold (which are a lot, given Labramon's rather bad-tempered and opionated behavior. However, no matter how much it might aggravate her, she sticks to upholding proper behavior as a way to preserve group harmony).

Duty to one's community: Another thing that deeply drives her is wanting to be a valuable member to her community, that responsibility she has as an individual to contribute to society. You can see this in the way her Cerberumon's cut scene is phrased, as one of the main catalysts for it is the sense of responsibility she feels over everyone as one of the oldest kids. She doesn't want to protect just the people close to her but make sure she can proactively get the everyone back home.

Cooperation: This is actually one of the things she names out loud, and people constantly foregoing it and leading to more workload/stress for her is actually one of her main resentments. Her Plutomon mad rantings about being always the one saddled with the most work evidence she values everyone doing their part. This type of reasoning can be a double-edged sword as it can be used to be deeply cruel to mentally ill/ disabled ppl, + other kinds of minorities irl. To her credit, she usually has the good grace not to directly impose this on others, but her violent Wrathful behavior coupled with her belief everyone should be like her (and fulfill societal expectations as diligently) to reach her "perfect world" show she can think like this.

Fairness/Justice: She cares about everyone getting their due and the general betterment of conditions for everyone, which is the aspect to her values that can finally factor compassion in. But it's telling it's the one value about which the answer to her arc hinges on—it distinguishes between Rightness and Fairness for good reason, as social conformity and not being disruptive/acting right don't necessarily have to center treating others fairly (think of the contrast between the rethoric used for Anubimon in contrast for Plutomon...)

Most of her values evidence her commitment to not causing disruption to a group and ensuring its proper functioning. Because she values politeness, it can mean she prefers negotiation over direct confrontation, but this isn't always a good thing. The game is rather in your face about it with how ineffective the group is at handling Shuuji following hers and Takuma's conciliatory approach. Her talk about reaching mutual understanding can either fall into the aspect of social propriety or justice, so it can muddle the group's capacity to resolve conflict.

However, not only prioritizing Harmony above all else can lead to problems going by unresolved and festering, it can also be used as justification to enforce rather unyielding and strict social norms (as we very clearly see Plutomon do through enforcing a strict hierarchy in her debut). Ultimately, she needs the others to guide and support her to be fair just as much as she guides them.

[bylertruther]

what do you think about will's line "you make [me] feel like [I'm] not a mistake at all" coming after the rain fight? he was devastated by the rain fight and thought of himself as stupid because of what mike said to him about not liking girls. he also destroyed castle byers because he was so hurt by mike's words. how does that fit into will's perception of mike as someone who has never made him feel like a mistake and who makes him feel better for being different?

(I really hope this ask doesn't come across as anti-mike or anti-byler bc I love mike and I love the ship so much, I'm just trying to understand how will's clear hurt after the rain fight and the distance from mike in lenora connects to the van scene and I'm asking you because you seem to have a good grasp on will's character)

warning: this is Extremely Long and i am Extremely Sorry, but the rain fight and what it means for their characters is one of my favorite things to talk about ever and so i have So Many Things to say abt it. sorry i lov u don't bite me pls.

no, i think it's totally fair to ask that! seriously, don't worry at all about how you come across. i don't agree with the idea that liking something = never acknowledging its flaws, so i'm always down to discuss stuff like this. i'm going to dive deep into my interpretation of the rain fight, because i feel i need to express that first in order to answer your question fully.

if i'm honest, back when it aired, the rain fight was what 100% struck down any microscopic crumb-of-a-crumb of hope that i had for byler in Any capacity, platonic or not. i finished the season and then didn't give a single shit about the show as a whole afterward, because i felt like it was such a slap in the face. not only to will, but mike, too, considering this is a character that's stood by will's side against all sorts of monsters, whether they were middle school homophobic bullies or eldritch monsters.

at the time, it was exceedingly difficult to reconcile the mike i loved and the mike i was seeing on screen, but i feel a little more clear on it now. i could be totally wrong, clouded by my own bias and perception, but here's how i see it all.

the rain fight hurt me more than anything in the entire show, because of how real it is and how neither of them are objectively wrong.

mike is in his very first relationship. it's shiny, exciting, and new. he's kissing all day, getting a rise out of authority figures, and having enough fun that he spends All of his time with her. it's not a serious relationship, but he's a kid, el is the first girl ever that isn't repulsed by him, they have an Insane trauma bond, and she's his "superman". it's not serious but it's Serious 2 Him, you know? he feels like a Big Boy now and he hides from his Very Bad Do-NOT-Touch-Or-EVER-Think-About Trauma behind this relationship. it makes him feel like he's moving forward.

will is feeling a similar sense of exhilaration and freedom. the gate was closed and the upside down has fled their world for good. hooray! he can finally be a teen again! he can finally be his version of Normal now, aka the will he was before the upside down! no more now memories, true sight, or fear that Something will come to get him, whether physically or mentally. he's a hostage unchained basically. it's summer, he has his party, and he just wants to have a good time with them. he just wants to be happy, live a little, and feel safe.

mike is seeking safety and reprieve in a girlfriend and will is seeking safety and reprieve in his friends.

but then...

mike's turning point:

mike is told that if he wants to continue to see el, he has to lie to her. so he does and then his Serious 2 Him relationship is over in a very unserious blink of an eye lol. he doesn't know how to win her back, because he doesn't actually know her, and he's understandably upset because he Wants To Have A Girlfriend Again because she's his Crutch.

he Needs her to feel Normal, but she does Not need him, which canonically makes him jealous. remember that this is something Super Important to his character, because having a girlfriend means he's Cool and Normal and Needed, which are more important than water and food to mike right now. i reiterate this, because that's mike's Entire Thing Since Forever. he Needs to keep up the act, because he doesn't like who he is without it as we learn in s4. he Needs it, desperately.

as such, this has him out of sorts and he seeks out lucas's help to win her back. we know mike, which means we know that he can get tunnel vision when he fears he might lose someone. so, this aggravates his already-negligent behaviors ("i was worrying too much about el" [paraphrased], "it's been like this all summer") and he turns into a Super Shitty Friend.

... i was going to go over will's turning point, but his journey is pretty clear, i think. everyone has a girlfriend and they all want to do girlfriend activities and they canonically forget about him in the process. he's there and yet no one sees him. ouch. lets fast forward to the fight.

will has reached his breaking point, because this campaign he's worked so hard on and is putting genuine effort into to make engaging for his friends is being treated like a joke. they're not laughing with him; his friends, his best friends are laughing at him. and that fucking Hurts. he's been trying to get them to do things they used to do, he's been trying to have fun with them in any capacity, and now that they're here... he's the fucking joke of the hour and they're quite literally jumping up and running at any opportunity to cast him aside.

so, you know what? fine. whatever. you guys win; i give up. have fun with the girls. i'm going home. lucas is shocked to the point of speechlessness at how upset will is, but mike immediately jumps into action. he softens, tries to go back to the game in earnest this time with lucas, and goes after him - almost trampling lucas - when his pleas are ignored.

will was invisible (to all, to mike) until he wasn't. (something about being careful what you wish for..?)

now, we fast forward again to the moment when will's heart is torn in two: "it's not my fault you don't like girls!"

first, let me say this: michael wheeler is a fucking bitch. we know this and we love him for it even when it hurts. that was a shitty thing to say, but... that does not make him The Shittiest Boy Alive, Ever. not even a little bit.

in season three, mike is a teenager behaving like a teenager. he felt ambushed by will's feelings and like it wasn't fair that this was all on him. ("you're the heart / without heart, we'd all fall apart"; again, the party is his responsibility, "but why is this all on me? why am i the bad guy?"; mike always has to be the leader, carrying the party on his back, but he himself doesn't get to unwind which is unfair in his eyes.) he isn't privy to will's journey like we are; he's caught up in his own world and his own shit, remember? he doesn't react super well, but will is yelling at him, very upset over something He Didn't Even Know He Was Doing All This Time ("you knew she was having trouble for a year and didn't tell me" aka this is where the "will doesn't tell mike the truth until it's too late" pattern begins), and telling him that he's the one ruining the party over some stupid girl, aka his (ex-)girlfriend, aka the girl that saved their lives, aka the girl that saved the Entire world twice so maybe don't call her stupid, will. (mike always sticks up for people, so of course he isn't going to react well to el being called stupid here, even by will.)

he shouldn't have said it, but mike is knee-jerk, cornered-animal reacting to will putting this all on mike's shoulders at the very last second after never having given him a chance to fix any of his actions. will bottled this all up and then exploded on him. of course mike isn't going to react well. of course he's going to put his foot in his mouth and say the first thing that comes to mind.

because in his mind, it really isn't his fault that will doesn't like girls lol. and it isn't HIS sole fault that the party is falling apart. not everything has to land on HIS shoulders. not everything has to be HIS responsibility.

he's a kid going through his own shit, that's lashing out at someone for lashing out at him first. it was shitty, it hurt will to his core, but i don't think mike meant to be cruel. he immediately backed down, tried to explain himself rationally (that they're all just changing and will should've expected that bc it's not like they can be the same kids forever), and then went after will (literally across town, on bikes, in the pouring rain and thunder, to his house and then to castle byers) to apologize.

he doesn't do this with anyone else—not even lucas or his own girlfriend. and when he does apologize? it's because someone is forcing him to, walking him through it, or because they did it first. mike doesn't ever make the first move or humble himself first... unless it's will. then he suddenly knows exactly what to do and what will needs from him. because he knows will and he listens to will.

everything that he did for will in that scene is precisely, word-for-word, what max told eleven that he'd do for her In The Same Episode just moments prior—but he didn't. he didn't!

he did everything he was "supposed to" without guidance or hesitation or headassery... for will.

when eleven confronts mike in season four and tells him he never says i love you, mike responds, very seriously, with "i say it." and you know what? i agree with him wholeheartedly.

mike loves will more than anyone. we're shown very clearly from the very beginning that the only person in the show that rivals his love, devotion, and loyalty for will is joyce. and will knows this! that's why mike is his bestest best friend! that's why he's hopelessly in love with him! because "max, dustin, and lucas, they're great..." but they're not mike! no one treats will the way mike does, and mike doesn't treat anyone the way he treats will! they're perfect for each other and will knows this! that's why he expected and wanted a future with mike!

and... he thought that mike wanted that, too. because THAT'S the crux of the rain fight. it isn't that will is gay. it's that will thought mike wanted Crazy Together, too! it's right there in the dialogue, what it is that they're really fighting about:

MIKE: I mean, what did you think, really? That we were never going to get girlfriends? We were just gonna sit in my basement all day and play games for the rest of our lives? WILL: Yeah. I guess I did. I really did.

the fight is representative of an amalgamation of things and it cuts will's life into yet another before and after, but the point isn't that will doesn't like girls. the point was that will really thought it was always going to be them together—he thought they both wanted that; that that would be the one thing that never changed, even if they and everything else around them did.

when will is looking at a picture of them and saying "stupid.. so stupid" and RIPS IT DOWN THE MIDDLE BETWEEN HIM AND MIKE, with the memories that Start And End With Mike And His Voice Being The Focal Point, i interpret it as him feeling stupid enough to think that his feelings, his wants, and his dreams were ever reciprocated. stupid enough to believe that mike really did mean crazy together in every single way. that he meant it the way that will meant it and had always meant it.

mike is the one that brings up forever and will confirms it. he says yes, i did want that with you and i thought you wanted it, too. their argument ends there, because THAT was the real issue. You Got A Girlfriend And Replaced Me With Her; Something I Never Thought We Would Do To Each Other. THAT'S (!!!!!) the issue. THAT'S why mike looks so devastated afterward. THAT'S why he bikes in the rain to apologize. THAT'S why he looks so sheepish when will puts his dnd book in the donation box, why he's worried that Will Is Going To Replace Him With Someone Else!!! because their rain fight was about the fact that it was no longer him and mike against the world!! mike got a girlfriend and broke their unspoken promise!!

THAT'S why mike repeats "we're friends. we're. friends." at rink-o-mania, why he tried calling him all the time for Months (he felt like he'd lost will the same way that will felt like he'd lost mike last summer, their roles were perfectly and exactly reversed here), why he said that hawkins wasn't the same without him / there's no one like you, why he said they should be a team again (an Us, a We, Crazy Together; curiously after his gf breaks up with him lmao). it's the same fight all over again. "i lost you" / "i'm right here." + "friends... best friends." / "not possible." it's always about loss with these two.

that's why i feel like the rain fight doesn't contradict will's van confession. i think will's line of thinking is that mike can't help how he feels; aka, "i can't blame him for not returning my feelings / outgrowing our childhood love". and him not returning will's feelings doesn't make will feel like a mistake.

what made will feel like a mistake was his desire to go back to how things were and the realization that that was impossible. will tears down castle byers because it's too full of everything he once had and he learned the hard way that There Is No Going Back, There Is Only Going Forward. the theme of s3 is about change and will realizes this in the most heartbreaking way possible.

i hate the idea of anyone reconstructing castle byers, because the point is that will outgrew it. he can't hide through escapism in dnd or in castle byers. he has to build a life that he loves and feels safe enough in that he Doesn't Need a castle byers. (that's why s4 has him coming out of his shell wrt his sexuality and wanting to be open and honest about it as much as he can be with the ones that he loves and trusts, and he'll continue/conclude that journey in s5).

in season three:

mike learns that he doesn't Need eleven (see: how happy he was with will especially at the end, seemingly on good terms, and giddy still as he told el abt them coming over for christmas [note how he mentioned playing games in their basement for the rest of their lives in their fight vs how he's making plans to have them both over so they can play with their gifts {aka he's still thinking of will bc he Wants that future with him, too, deep down}]) ... until she kisses him, tells him she loves him, and then his brain breaks and all hell breaks lose again because the byers are literally leaving in just a couple minutes so how the FUCK is he going to deal with any of that, AND THEN in s4 when he does seem okay with being broken up with again he's then 1) reminded that she's his responsibility and 2) he needs to save her because if he doesn't then the world literally goes to hell and they all fucking die. so. yanno. that's tough. mike takes two beautiful steps forward and then gets pulled fifty steps back every time.

and will learns that hiding is not the same thing as living and that he needs to stop that if he wants to be able to move forward (see: "he's good at hiding", using dnd as an escape vs him giving away his dnd books + hopper's letter and the cave metaphor + being more open in s4 and wanting to "come clean" about being gay + the gay-coded advice he gives mike abt truth and fear).

mike definitely hurt him, but that's one moment out of a million where he's otherwise made will feel strong, loved, and capable, and will has told us that much himself more than once. will doesn't fault mike for wanting something else, someone else. he loves him without any expectation of it being reciprocated in that way.

he loves him, just because; because mike has always loved him and shown him a kindness and mercy like no other; because mike has known what he is and loved him anyway; because mike came to him and told him he didn't deserve anything after their fight, that hawkins wasn't the same without him, that the past year was weird without him, that he's more to mike than any of their other friends even after all this time, that they should be a team again as they face the end of the world together without superman's help.

because no matter what... they always love each other in a way that no one else does. even if will wants more than that, even if he aches with it, he still knows that what he has with mike is so special as it is. and that's enough for him.

mike didn't treat him any differently when their biggest concern was some mouthbreather calling him a fairy and he didn't treat him any differently after the upside down when everyone walked on eggshells around him, thinking he was about to break. mike has always treated him like a person that is strong and loved, and one sentence in the middle of a fight during a very stressful time for both of them doesn't diminish a history bursting with love.

i think what will fears isn't mike knowing he's gay, but mike knowing how will actually feels about him. i say this, because of the van confession and this line of will's in particular:

Sometimes I think it's just scary to open up like that. To say how you really feel, especially to people you care about the most. Because, what if… what if they don't like the truth?

this is played with the [tender, emotional music] which we know the sound directors used for intimate moments. will is also gauging mike's reaction here, giving him a searching kind of look, like he's testing the waters. will doesn't know this, but we as viewers know that this is a conversation about mike not being able to tell eleven he loves her. it isn't a reach to say then that will is talking not about being gay, but specifically about "how [he] really [feels]" about mike. that's what scares him: his unreciprocated crush, not his sexuality.

the duffers have said that will is trying to make himself be understood in the van scene and that will cries because mike doesn't get it. if he thought that mike was a homophobe, he wouldn't want to share this about himself. instead, mike makes him feel better for his otherness in all its shades. he wants to tell mike, because he wants to be honest with him and release some of that burden from his chest. but he's scared. he's so, so unbelievably fucking scared.

because, it's exactly as will says: "what if [he doesn't] like the truth?" what if that ruins the friendship that they just rebuilt? what if eleven finds out and then it's Even More Weird and Uncomfortable for everyone involved?

and considering how self-sacrificing will is... i feel like that's his other biggest concern regarding that entire clusterfuck. he loves them both. he doesn't want to hurt them or come between what he Thinks they have, because that'd be selfish and will isn't ever selfish even when he should be.

will's line about mike making him feel better for being different has canon support from season one and two. mike's outburst in season three is an outlier in his otherwise spotless record of loving will byers to an unhinged degree. even in season four, we see that mike never stopped reaching out to will. it was will who never reached out and mike was understandably upset about that, but even then he did try to include will afterward only to get iced out which "sabotaged the whole day" in his eyes. will didn't know this, though, and that's why he behaved the way that he did. still, will knows who mike is when he's not pretending and he wants mike to know who he is when he's not hiding. the rain fight hurt will indescribably, yes, but not because of the "it's not my fault you don't like girls" line in the way that it's understandably interpreted. so... i think it all fits together just fine.