#but those still took TIME and energy and love and i feel disgusted with myself now for doing it

[robbyykeene]

so glad ck's going to be over but what a mess it's made in the process, with its victimblaming type creators and all their bullshit accumulated over time in their statements.

This season really killed any and all lingering affection I still had. Between the blatant rape apologism and the horrific, dystopian, nightmare fuel AI Mr. Miyagi, I am truly just disgusted with this show, and by proxy myself for ever enjoying it to begin with. I don’t even know what else to say tbh, I’m really just appalled with Netflix, these writers, and the vast majority of the fanbase (outside of tumblr) who at best don’t give a fuck and at worst actively cheer this shit on.

[nyrasbloodyclover]

hypnotic (kai anderson x reader)

cw: breeding kink, eating disorder (it's really really bad), mommy issues, mentions of suicide, parental abuse, cults, kai is his own warning really, murder, overstimulation

a/n: if you're not into this pleaseeeee leaveeeeee i don't want tumblr to delete my blog again. also you can read this fic on ao3 if you'd like, link is in my pinned post. and if, by any chance, you relate to this i am so sorry.

What I wanted right now, was to get out of my house, go anywhere, just so I could stop listening to constant fighting and screaming from my parents. I couldn't bear it anymore. I had one year until college but it seemed impossible to survive that long. 

"Oh, look who locked herself in her room!" My mother bursted in and a pit started forming in my stomach. I didn't move. "When are you going to start being useful? You're in here all the time, you could start paying rent." 

Now, what was I supposed to say to that? If I told her that the reason I spent all my time in my room was because they wouldn't stop screaming at each other and I would just be their punching bag, she wouldn't listen and the situation would only get worse.

"Or maybe it's time for you to find a job. Now you're just living like a parasite." I stared. My mother was a very complex character. I think she would be capable of pulling Gone Girl on us. She has the mentality. Just saying.

My father on the other hand, he's weak. Or she made him weak. I don't remember the last time he stood up for himself. He's tired, I can see that clearly. I just wish they would get a divorce. It's so draining to wake up everyday and live in fear that your every move is going to be a mistake, something to criticize. 

I don't remember the last time I felt truly at peace, but I could afford myself distractions. That's how I ended up scrolling through Tumblr 12 hours per day and forgetting to eat because the skinny girls I came across were just so pretty. Food was my enemy. We couldn't stand each other. And the guilt simply because of eating was the worst feeling ever.

Empty is pretty. And I wanted to look pretty, so I starved. It was my sport. It still is. The joy of seeing my hipbones and ribs after some time was indescribable. I loved to lay awake at night and touch my bones, feel them as I tried to fall asleep. Of course, there were many times when I just couldn't take it anymore and I binged. I would regret it immediately and restrict even more.

"Alright. I'll find a job." I stared at her with empty eyes. I was dizzy, almost like I got drunk. She exited the room and slammed the doors behing her. I think I'm never going to fully understand her.

I stared at my ceiling, having no energy to move, even though I had unfinished assignments hanging above my head, screaming at me to do them, but I just wanted to sleep. School can wait. I think my red lipstick was smudged, but I had no energy to take it off. My hair was a mess, too. I tried to straighten it but my natural waves were too stubborn. I fell asleep.

A week passed. My life stayed the same except for my new job at the restaurant—The Butchery On Main.

The two sweet women who own it were kind enough to let me work even though they don't employ people under eighteen. I worked mostly after my school, until the closing. I didn't mind since I got to leave the house and get a break from my parents. 

People were nice, I took their orders, served their food. The restuarant was mostly empty during my shifts, but nonetheless it was almost hard, working with food. All those calories around me made me want to puke. And I wasn't much of a puker. I had the urge to binge. It was disgusting. But I wasn't going to throw all my work out of the window just like that. 

I had my diet coke and if I got hungry Ivy said that I could eat whatever I wanted, and I wanted cucumber. With pepper. They had those.

Today, I had much free time so I was just sitting at one of the tables and doing my homework while scrolling through Tumblr and eating freshly peeled cucumber with some seasoning on top. I was thriving. I was almost happy. It seemed impossible.

The door opened. A man walked in. He was dressed in black from head to toe and what stood out the most was his blue hair with grown out roots. He walked like he owned the building and everyone in it. I immediately stood up, while he was pulling out his chair, fixing my uniform. I let him read through the menu for a couple of seconds and then decided to approach.

"What would you like to order?" I smiled. I was nice. I am always nice. Why hasn't he looked at me yet? Why is he ignoring my presence? His head was bowed down until he raised it and I was met with black pools that stared at me, or rather through me. I felt dizzy and it wasn't the diet.

"Surprise me," he cocked his head, "I would love to see what you liberals like to eat the most. Maybe it'll make me change my political views."

"Al..right," I dragged on, "Is that all?"

"Yes," he replied.

"Everything will be done in a minute." I wanted to get away from him, as soon as possible. He was probably some Trump obsessed republican who's most likely to tell me to make him a sandwich. Which I am practically doing right now. But I couldn't deny it - He had a beautiful face. I wouldn't consider him that attractive if it weren't for his dead, piercing eyes that silently commanded you to obey every one of his rules. 

The food was ready. I had a feeling I would fall on my face next time I locked my eyes with his, which wasn't good. I didn't even know his name! Rachel, one of the cooks, handed me the best steak they had, house's special, "Who is it for?"

I didn't dare look at him. "The one with the blue hair. Just please don't stare. He's creeping me out."

Her eyes went wide, "That's Kai Anderson."

I looked at her blandly. The name didn't mean anything to me.

"You seriously need to watch more television."

"I'm fine, thanks. And if he's some menatlly deranged politician, then I'm not really missing out."

All the politics drained me, and don't get me wrong, I loved to be informed, but when I had to argue with someone about basic human rights, I'd rather not know anything.

I walked over to his table, and put the food on it. "I hope you're not vegan. Either way, enjoy your food." I kept my eyes everywhere, just not on him. He was so unsettling. I had to get away.

"I certainly will," he said and I walked away without a second glance. Jesus Christ, his mere presence was intense.

My shift ended in half an hour and that's when the restaurant was supposed to close. Ivy left early because of some family emergency, so she asked me to close and lock everything for her. I changed into my regular clothes—denim skirt and a white button down with my favorite black sweater, docs and a pair of knee socks. I untangled my hair and tried to brush it out with my fingers.

The tables were empty. Well, mostly. So-called Kai Anderson was still here, not even eating, just looking at some papers and flipping them over, for a while now.

I needed some extra balls to approach him and ask him to leave. Why did I accept to be the last one here? I could've been home by now, sleeping or watching a sitcom, but instead I'm stuck in this building with the strangest and the scariest man I've ever met. But then again, If I were home, my mother would be screaming at me. So I guess it's a win? Also I had to thank Kai for occupying my mind and not letting me think about food. I seriously needed to go to bed before I ended up eating something. Or worse- binging. I think I had less than 200 calories today which is a sign that I am slowly approaching danger zone. It isn't a diet anymore. I can't eat normally. I thought I could go back, but I guess my body won't let me. Or was it my mind?

"Miss?" Someone waved before my eyes.

"Yes? Sorry." Kai was standing beside the table that I occupied. 

"Are you closing soon?"

Should I lie? But then again, he isn't stupid. "Yes. Do you want to pay?"

"Oh no. I already did. I just wondered what occupied your mind that much." He had no idea.

"Nothing much. Just tired I guess. Can't seem to balance school and work."

"Ah. You see," he sat across me, "I don't believe you."

"Okay? I didn't try to be persuasive."

He smirked. Dear God, why was he so creepy but so hot at the same time?

"I still want to know what made you zone out for that long." Has he been staring at me the whole time?

"That's creepy. I don't even know you."

"What's that got to do with anything? I just asked you to tell me what's been botherung you. You looked fucking stressed."

"It really doesn't matter." I just wanted him to leave. 

"Wait. Here, I'll give you..." he reached into his  back pocket, "Fifty bucks if you tell me."

My lips curved. Come on, you can't blame me. Extra cash at my age isn't something you just don't accept.

"Ah! I knew it," he smiled, "Come on, doll, speak."

"It isn't anything interesting. My mom is just being a bitch, nothing unusual." I gave him the least I could and snatched the cash from his hand.

"She isn't letting you sleep over at your boyfriend's or something?" He laughed like I had the dumbest reason for not liking my mother.

"Not really. She just...Wants too much, I guess? And I'm not able to give her that." It felt weird saying that out loud. I think I never said it.

He stared at me for a second.

"I want to show you a trick." He put his right hand on the table. "Don't worry. It's something me and my older brother always used to do when we were little."

He reached with his pinky finger over to my hand. We locked fingers like we were making a pinky promise. 

"This is weird. And please hurry. My shift ends in fifteen minutes." 

"We have enough time. Okay, listen. Pinky power. Once the skin contact is made, no lies can be told and whatever we say, stays between us," he narrowed his black eyes, "Trust me, if you lie, I will know. Ready?"

When did I agree to this? Well, fuck it, I'll do it anyway.

"Do you love your family?" He asked, his expression serious.

"Yes." His mouth twitched.

"Do you like your family?"

"Absolutely not." I shook my head.

"Why is that?" 

How do I explain this to him without sounding like a total maniac? "My father is weak, he doesn't know how to stand up for himself. And my mother screams at me for merely existing. Her favorite hobby is emotionally draining me, then pulling my hair or slapping me because she feels like it. She regrets having me. I think she wants me to kill myself. It would be easier to have a dead daughter." My mind went blank. I felt nothing in that moment. Whatever he asked, I was going to tell him.

"Did you ever try to kill yourself?," he asked with a flat voice.

I thought for a second. Should I tell him the whole truth? He said he's going to know if I lie, but that doesn't mean...

"Don't think too much." His eyes went dark while I was literally choking under pressure of his gaze.

"No. I was never suicidal. I like living. But I..." words were stuck in my throat, "I...Sometimes, she would starve me. Saying I didn't deserve it. I had no money to buy something to eat. So I made a game out of it. I developed a disorder. It was the only thing I had some control over. I started it out of spite, but now it's real. It's worse than ever. But I don't want to stop."

His expression never changed. Not once. "Do you hate your mother for that?"

"You have no idea."

"I think I do have some idea about hating one of your parents. So, from experience, I need to ask you one more question."

I nodded. "Have you ever dreamt about killing her?"

I wanted to pull back from him, but his hand wouldn't let me. He pulled me even closer. "We can't break the contact," he gritted through his teeth.

"I know, I know, I'm sorry," I exhaled, "Yes. And no."

"Elaborate." 

The restuarant was silent. I couldn't even hear the sound of cars outside. Lights were practically out. 

"I...I wanted her dead. But I don't think I would be able to do it. I had a," I inhaled, "A fantasy about someone killing her while I watched. It's so fucked up, but I just couldn't help it. It brought me relief that she was gone and someone cared enough to get rid of her for me." 

I was scared to look at him. He was going to call the mental ward and lock me there. I was fucked. Why did I tell him all of that? 

I looked up.

He was smiling. It wasn't a sympathetic smile, or a sad smile, or anything similar to that. He was grinning like a maniac. He released my hand and I realized my eyes were filled with tears. I blinked them away. 

He shook his head with closed eyes, "You're perfect. Perfect."

My voice was low, weak. "What? How could you think that after what I just told you?"

"Don't ask too many questions. I have a solution for you because I know you're destined for greater things. Tell me, do you wish to never be under your mother's thumb again?"

"I mean, yes? That's going to be when I turn eighteen, so I have to be patient."

He laughed. "Oh, no, baby, no. She's never going to let you go. She'll suffocate you until there is nothing left but a shell. No matter the age or what the law says, you'll always be controlled. While she's alive, at least."

"What are you saying?"

"Do you want my help? Do you wish to be finally free?"

This was so fucked up. I never met this man in my life. Why was he offering me help?

"What's in it for you?"

He cocked his head, "I get to keep you by my side."

My mouth was dry. I was scared, but...excited. Thrill rushed down my body as this psychopath was staring at me, offering me a sick escape. I was supposed to say no. I was supposed to save my soul.

"Yes."

"Yes, what?"

"I want your help."

He looked so happy, it made me happy.

"Good. Then, we're leaving now." I was hypnotized by him. I just nodded, not asking where or why, my mother taught me I shouldn't get in the cars with strangers, especially men, but my mother was also the reason for many of my problems. I'll do something that'll piss her off.

I got into Kai's car and shut the door. I was okay with the fact that he might end up killing me.

He said nothing for the most of the ride, but I noticed him glancing over at my skirt that rose up to my thighs. I didn't bother pulling it down. I mean, I wore mini skirts for a reason, right?

I pretended not to notice as I looked at my reflection in the closed window. Hollow cheeks, red lipstick, pale face. I was obsessed. I always wanted to look like a corpse with make up. My face was perfect, lipstick untouched, mascara a little smudged, dark circles under my eyes from sleepless nights. 

"You know you could eat a burger." I looked at him. I almost wanted to hug him. His words made me feel proud, like I achieved something big. And I guess I did.

"Really? Do you know that you're the first person ever to tell me that?" I felt weird happiness in my chest. 

"Well, yeah. Why do you look so surprised? I didn't mean it as a compliment. You have a problem. I'm not even sure it's supposed to be a compliment." He frowned, not taking his eyes off the road.

"It doesn't matter if it's supposed to be a compliment or not. Thank you for saying it." I didn't give two fucks if he thought I was some anorexic lunatic that needed years of therapy. I was happy. And he wasn't my parent or my guardian to tell me what to do.

"Just think about it. What's the point of being so skinny? It's not even attractive."

"The point is in being clean. I don't want to see a pound of fat on my body. It's disgusting. And I am to do with my body as I please. I don't give a fuck if someone likes to eat like a fucking pig because It's not my body, and certainly not my problem." I was so angry. Who the fuck he thought he was?

"Just saying. You look sick. And I mean really, really sick."

"I am aware. Like I'm also aware that I'm fucked in the head. And that's the reason for all of this," I gestured over my figure. 

I could feel his anger. He didn't like that I disagreed with him and stood up for myself, even if I was wrong.

"We're here." He suddenly said, getting out of the car. I followed him into the house I guessed was his. The whole neighborhood was silent. Lights were off everywhere. 

We got into his house and I didn't even got to see it clearly because he practically dragged me into his basement and started changing. He put on a black leather coat while looking for something. His phone? He called someone.

"I'm expecting you'll be here in five? Well don't try to make up excuses. This is a perfect opportunity. I don't care— No, drag yourself and your pathetic wife here." He called two more people and I just stood in the middle of the room staring at him. 

"What's your adress?" Was he really doing that now? "You know what, never mind. I found it." I wasn't going to ask him how. He looked like the person who instead of Instagram browsed dark web. 

"Okay, let's go. They're here." I had to ask him because he said nothing about it. I had to be sure.

"Why are we going to my house?"

Beat. A moment. "To kill your mother, of course."

There were other people with us, but I couldn't see their faces because of the creepy clown masks. Kai had one too. I felt like I was drugged. I didn't know what happened to me. I suppose I had enough. I know Kai is not the answer for my problems, at least not all of them. He's going to get rid of her and then what? No. Stop thinking. 

I listened to my brain this time. It was late. My parents were probably asleep. Probably in separate beds. It's going to be easier for Kai and the others to do the job. They kept their mouths shut and I didn't blame them. I still wasn't sure if I was part of this sick cult or whatever it was. I read enough about them to recognize a cult leader when I see one. 

The car suddenly stopped. We were in front of my house.

"This played out so good, little lamb. I knew you were perfect." Kai's voice was muffled under that mask and his words made my heart flutter. He was so sick. "Don't just stand there, baby. Be a good host. Invite us in. Come on," he gestured with one gloved hand towards my house. I felt everyone's eyes on me as I turned my back and started walking towards the door. What did he mean by this playing out good? Did he plan this before? It certainly did not matter.

We got in, doors creaking, but not enough to wake anyone up. My father was downstairs, in the guestroom, but my Satanic mother was in their bedroom. I went first, up the stairs, one by one, they followed me, Kai first, then the rest of them. 

I showed them the doors. 

Kai got in and they followed him. I shut the door behind me. I felt like I was seeing things through someone else's eyes. I didn't feel guilt and I wasn't regretting my decision. I remember everything through a coat of blur. Knives, a lot of them. They killed her in her sleep. Stabbed her too many times, I lost count. Sheets were soaked with red and the room started smelling like iron too. Kai used her blood to draw some sign on the wall that was facing the bed. It looked like a smiley face, but I wasn't sure. The job was done. I was free. I was free of any charges, since I wasn't home when it happened. I was going to sleep in my bed and wake up in the morning, shocked, petrified, screaming for help, calling the police, my father is going to be terrified too, but relieved. He would never admit it thought. 

We were in the car again. Then in front of Kai's house. "Leave. I want some time alone with our newest member."

"Kai, no. You can't drag her into this. She's just a child—" A feminine voice scorned him under her mask.

"Don't tell me what to do, Winter. Now leave," he raised his voice and I flinched. "We have much to talk about." He took off his mask and smiled knowingly at me. I wasn't scared of him anymore, though I knew I should be. He killed my mother for Christ's sake! 

We went into his basement again. The lights were already on and I watched him as he took off his mask and black coat. His shirt was soaked with my mother's blood. 

"What did you want to talk about?" I cocked my head.

"You were so good. I knew you could do it. Next time, maybe you'll even be the one holding the knife. You didn't even flinch!" He paced through the room and laughed, like he was talking to himself.

"You didn't do this for me, did you?"

He stopped, then looked at me, "I already told you. This played out perfectly. And I've been watching for quite some time now," his eyes darkened "When I found out that the woman who's been talking shit about me over her social media had a daughter, I had to see if she was as bitchy as her mother." Oh, so he did this to save his reputation. Of course.

"And," I swallowed, "Is she?"

He didn't answer me. Instead he marched to the other side of the room and pushed me against the wall, slamming his lips on mine. I was out of breath, not being able to process everything. Oh my god, he was kissing me! This insane, sick in the head, narcissistic, 30-something, psychopath was kissing me and I opened my mouth to him like the whore I was. I wanted him to touch me. No, I needed his blood stained hands on me right now. 

I pulled one of his hands and put it on my chest as his tongue continued to explore my mouth. He took off my sweater and shirt. I was left in a black bra and skirt.

"Aren't you scared of being arrested for fucking a minor?"

"I commited far more monstrous crimes than fucking a seventeen year old and you know it, " he breathed into my mouth. Red lipstick was smudged over his lips. His hand that was on my chest slipped under my skirt and found my panties. 

"You know it," his fingers entered me with ease, "And yet, you're still so fucking wet for me." My mouth fell open as he buried his fingers deeper if that was even possible. I wasn't a virgin, but then again, I've never been with a man. I took my own virginity so that I didn't have to bother. 

"Kai—" I breathed. I needed more.

He sat on one of the chairs beside the circular table and pulled me onto his lap, his thigh between my legs. My clit was aching for some king of friction so I started rubbing myself against the rough fabric of his jeans. 

"Aren't you desperate?" He pushed me on the floor, between his legs, he pulled out his belt and unzipped his pants. His intentions were clear and I was happy to oblige, but I had to touch myself or I'd go insane. I started stroking his already hard dick and rubbing my clit at the same time. 

He noticed. And he wasn't happy about it. "I thought you were going to be patient. But I guess not." He took his belt and with one move he tied my hands behind my back while I was still kneeling in front of him.

"Please, I just need to—"

"Yes, yes, I know, but you have to deserve it. Am I right?"

I nodded hesitantly and he scooped up my hair in his fist and used it to pull my head down. I took him into my mouth as the wetness and ache grew between my legs. 

Kai continued to pull my head down until his tip hit the back of my throat and I gagged. He chuckled.

My eyes teared up as I sucked his dick like my life depended on it.

He grunted and raised his hips, so I knew he was close. And I knew he was going to either come in my mouth or...

He pulled out and finished on my tits, painting my chest with his cum. 

"You were so good," he said with his head tilted back and eyes closed. He let my hair fall down my back and over my face. Kai dressed and got up, then pulled me with him, still tied.

He slammed me on the desk and I was able to just lay there and let him do whatever he wanted to me. Not that I minded.

"I feel like I'm going to break you," he said as he traced my very visible ribs with the tips of his fingers. "Break every bone in your body." 

I could feel my stomach sinking in and his words made me even a bigger mess than I already was. "Do it, please, please," I cried out as my hips rose towards him. 

"Since you asked so nicely...And the skirt stays on. Do you know how much willpower it took me not to bury my hand under your skirt and make you beg for more while we were driving?" He pulled my skirt up and didn't even bother to take off the panties, he just ripped them. He towered over me as I layed on his table, feeling the cool air on my swollen clit. 

Kai's fingers went over my aching pussy and my back arched towards his touch. He did nothing for a split second and then came the first slap. I yelped as the burning spread between my legs, but I didn't tell him to stop. He slapped me even harder and I cried out, most ungodly sounds coming from my mouth.

"Don't worry, you can scream as loud as you'd like."

He slapped my dripping cunt once more and after that I was sure I was going to feel his hands on me days after. He didn't wait for me to recover from his brutality, instead he buried two fingers inside me and started scissoring, wanting to spread me even wider. I threw my head back as he added one more. He buried them knuckle deep inside me and began curling them.

"I feel like you're a big girl. You can take one more." He didn't wait for my agreement. His four fingers were inside, making my pussy burn with pleasure. I wasn't able to form words. He spat on me and started massaging my clit while almost his whole hand was thrusting in and out of me. I felt pressure deep in my lower stomach and started panting and moaning for him to continue, but he did exactly the opposite. 

My cunt was left empty without his fingers and I could almost cry. I just needed a bit more.

"Don't look so upset. I'm not finished with you." 

Kai untied me and took his belt. He spread my legs as wide as he could and started spanking my pussy with it. I screamed more in pain than surprise, "Kai, no, stop, please stop-"

The pain was unbearable, but it was just enough  for my clit to start pulsing more and that pressure in my belly to grow. I screamed in pain as he continued to hit me with no mercy. I could feel my walls clenching and my back arched as I came undone. Orgasm hit me and I came down from my high, but Kai didn't stop. 

He started rubbing my abused cunt, overstimulating it. He was deaf to my begging and crying. It was too much. There was no pleasure anymore, just pure pain, but he continued to massage it and after a couple of minutes I was shaking with another orgasm. I knew I was too sensitive, but when I tried to close my legs, he stopped me. Then I noticed his rock hard dick under his jeans and my heart dropped. I was going to pass out. He was going to use me, not caring for my pleasure anymore.

"Just hold still a little more, doll." He pulled his dick out and slammed himself inside me, making my eyes roll to the back of my head. Everything hurt, but he didn't care. His thrusts were fast and rough, I couldn't keep up. I could feel his orgasm building and he had no intention of pulling out. Kai continued to slam into me until he reached his peak. He filled me with his seed and when he finally pulled out I could feel it dripping from my pussy.

Kai helped me get up and as he was untying his belt, his hot breath was on my neck. "Welcome to the cult, baby."

[yaut-jaknowit]

A lil request

(Male reader or gn) where the reader was so shock back on earth that they took martial arts like almost everything like they tried every single one they could like do karate, judo, kung fu, kendū, Taekwondo etc etc and also (Ty lee from avator the last air bender) like they aren’t originally from the actual planet earth but from the world of avator the last air bender after finding out where they aren’t where bending doesn’t exist but learning martial arts despite being a earth bender (also knowing how to bend all types of metal and rock) but (any male yautja of ur choice) saw the reader out in the forest/woods doing earth bending watching the reader afar intrigued how the reader is bending the ground to its will. After watching a bit they decided to approach the reader only to be body slammed to the ground taking the challenge only to loose since the reader knowledge of martial arts the yautja decided to take the reader with him to the mother ship where many yautja was disgusted of the reader but a few wanted to challenge but had been quickly pinned to the ground in seconds till one manage to be pinned down but only to be paralyzed stumbling to the ground where the reader just chuckled where the male yautja was shock at the reader strength and knowledge of the martial arts they asked what kind of fighting style was that so the reader provided the info that they took martial arts. After many defeats of yautja falling to the reader the male yautja decided it was time to make reader a hunter so he did since they are on a metal ship the reader couldn’t really earth bend after a bit of learning the metal they decided to try something new getting scraps of metal and boom metal bending shocking the yautja who which asked a million questions. Boom they are mates

From Another Universe

Pairing: Yautja x (Bender) Reader

Word Count: 2001

Summary: This isn't where you're from. This isn't where you slept last night... You're not home.

Author Note: So... A lot of things have happened. I had to take an abrupt break from writing. I didn't mean for it to on for a month, but unfortune things happen. Thank you for all the love and support I still received even though I wasn't posting. I'm going to try and get back to writing. I have a few things pre written, I just have to post them of course.

P.s. As for this, I tried my best. I do love the Avatar series but this was a lot to write for. So I took a piece of it and went from there. I feel if someone wants a lot of writing, I might put a price on it. But IDK, I like keeping myself free for those who don't have the money to spend.

Masterlist

Ao3

Natural instinct. Skill. Passion. Those three drove you. They made up every fiber of your being, every molecule. It flowed through your veins. Power rushed into your hands and feet, sending itself into the ground.

The earth underneath your form trembled as you moved in strong, firm, quick movements. Energy passed into the dirt and drew up columns of stone. One hand slashed the air before you. The dirt bended to your moves, willingly. Your lips curled up.

Trees, not large nor miniature, surrounded you and the small meadow. An area you woke up in not long ago. In a world that wasn’t your own. Completely different. Your whole world was flipped tenfold on its head and left you reeling where you had ended up. When you had ended up in. This wasn’t your world of bending, where some are blessed with the ability to will an element to their will.

Machines. Many, many machines populated massive cities. Cities with tall, towering buildings that seemed impossible to build. Not with how these ‘people’ moved. No one seemed to have the ability to bend. No one would bend.

Afraid was the first thing to enter your rushing blood. Those people barely gave you a glance as you retreated to the forest. Not stopping until the earth felt cleansed and calm. Back to the same place you bend currently. It was all you knew, all you could keep sane with. It’s what soothed you in the world that wasn’t your own.

Far from the city that haunted you, you took roost deep in the forest. Former training as a young bender stuck to you like sap. It aided you into surviving by yourself with no one else. No one else to talk to. No one you could trust. Terrified because of the unknown.

Something in the air disturbed him. The ground was filled with electricity. It called to his hunter side to follow it. And that he did. His blood rushed with adrenaline, fire that pooled deep in thickly corded muscles. Muscles that have long been sculpted from hard work and tremendous days of straight hunting. A male, perfect in shape and skills.

Feet, quiet without doubt, stalked through the forest he travels in. Not a sound broke the calmness of a morning forest. The talons on his feet bit into the ground at each step and further pushed his thick body forward. Quick and lethal, the words to describe a hunter of his kind. He never faltered as he continued on, to whatever called to his curious nature.

A nature that his sire tried to kill as a youngling. It never left his bones or blood. No matter how much of the fluid he as lost. Or the number of bones were broken during his training.

Ooman. It filled his sense of smell full and heady. This far out? The question rolled around in his elongated head. He’s never smelled even faint, roaming scents of the oomans this far out. The invisible creature’s ship was out here, close by. He couldn’t have a ooman finding it. An action that could condemn him to either death or exclusion.

It grew thicker with the familiar knowledge of sweat. At the edge of his hearing, grunting and heavy breathing. What was a ooman doing miles away from their city ‘working out’? His mandibles twitched behind his biomask in thought as he jumped over a fallen log. The pine needles tried their hardest to pierce the thick skin on the bottom of his feet. This is a hunter we’re talking about. He continued.

Once his form became close to the ooman, he slowed to a strut. His hips swayed. Trinkets, skulls and bones, and weapons followed the same movement and slapped against his thighs.

Through the tree line, his dark eyes spotted a form dancing in a grassy meadow. Compared to him, he considered them small and meek. The muscles that lined its body caught his attention. Strong, screamed at him. Well built and moved with knowledge. His upper mandibles curled dangerously up. This was what he’s been looking for since he begun his hunt here on this backwater planet.

From experience and rumors, to find a ooman worthy to kill was rare. It grew harder to find as the years passed. This would be his first one that he’ll take and possible gift to a female with the up coming mating season. He sent a prayer to Paya as he watched this ooman move with grace but a firm hand. It intrigued him.

His body moved closer, boarding on the meadow’s edge. Yet, he kept to the shadows as he observed. One of the ways he could determine how to hunt this ooman with honor. The hunter forced his mandibles to stay tense behind his biomask. Or else he would give his position away to the prey.

The ooman moved. The ground before it rolled like a water’s wave away from it. He could only stand and stare in shock, memorized as the alien did that again in a different direction. One shift of its bare feet had stones protruding from the earth as its will. It commanded the ground like an army.

Never in his life has he ever seen something like this. From all of his research, a ooman has never been said to be able to do things like that.

Swift, striking moves as if it was attacking an enemy send shockwaves out, disturbing the earth. The grounds around returned to their original position afterwards, like nothing had been out of place.

A hard, strong, harsh force crashed into his backside. The hunter was sent forward, far too quick to correct himself. He was sprawled face first into the dirt that once was underneath his feet. In two seconds, the ground was once more touching his paws. One glance of the alien before is all he had before thick, sturdy columns of rock grasped as his frame. His muscles bulge and strained without getting him free from the trap he was placed in.

Burning, blazing eyes that matched your personality stepped up to the invisible force stuck in your earthly hold. Through the earth, you were able to sense the proximity of something your eyes could not see. Something heavy with muscles like your own. You felt through your ability metal that decorated this thing that found safety in its amazing camouflage. Armor covered its body.

Everything stilled between the two of you. Just the heavy breaths of you filled the air. Your hand came up to swipe at the sweat dripping down your face. The clicking of bone on metal sounded a second afterwards. It was alive. You stepped closer, far closer than you should’ve been smarter about. “Show yourself, attacker,” you spat, defensively.

There was no clue to who or what this hidden animal could be. All that you could tell with feel alone was its mass has heavy, heavier than someone of its statue. You kept your muscles taunt and tried to stare the creature down without truly seeing its form.

A shimmer rolled over the creature before you, like shifting scales. Then, the camouflage fell to reveal something you truly couldn’t comprehend at that moment. You jumped back and drew a defensive position. The energy in your drew up to the soles of your feet and hands, eyes watching closely at this… creature.

It wore a mask that hid its face from the world. A mask that was blank of emotion yet decorated to form a dangerous look to it. Thick, rubbery looking ropes cascaded from its strangely formed head. They rolled over dense, wide shoulders. It struggled in the earth’s hold once more with little success for freedom. The ropes swayed with the movement.

The metal you sensed from before hugged its mighty form tightly, perfect for protecting itself from weapons. It won’t do much for it from you. What caught your attention was closely crossed fabric, like a fishing net weaved around the skin you could see. Skin that wasn’t any shade of human. Skin that was green and scaled behind the net. Was this a trick on the eyes or was this what you were truly seeing?

You stayed a safe distance away, eyes stuck on… it. “What are you?” you snapped and curled yours fingers into a fist. “Who are you?” It puzzled you on what this thing was.

First you get tossed to some far off place that was completely different to your own world. Second, nothing is the same. No one seemed to be bending, not even a single drop of a try. Third, this creature comes from nowhere, dressed ready for a fight. Did it expect to fight you? Was that why it was stalking in the shadows before you attacked?

All the unknowns had a headache arising to the occasion. The only thing you wanted nothing more in that moment was to be back home with your family.

It only stared at you, shoulders barely lifting with each breath. Not a noise escaped its tensed form. It didn’t speak, it didn’t answer your questions. To be fully honest, the gaze you felt through its mask felt predatory. This thing was a predator. What ever it was. You were the next hunt.

With the silence of the forest surrounding, you once more, you took a seat before the creature. Barely noticeable, the head of it jerked back, trinkets around its head and neck clinking lightly with each other. Yet, you sat, legs crossed over each other and just observed. Your eyes looked at every detail of its body, trying to figure it out. Curiosity sung in your veins, but you knew not to get too close.

This happened all day, until night fell over the two of you. At that point, your bladdered screamed for relief. Also, the lack of light didn’t aid you. Finally, you stood up, legs a bit sore from the activities today. It’s never ending gaze kept locked onto your body. One last look at it, you strolled away.

Through the earth and out of sight, you felt the beast struggle with all of its might. You smirked at the fact you were able to keep such a muscular creature captured. Years of training have paid off well.

Far from the creature, you relieved yourself before searching for wood. Anything big enough to burn for a few hours. It gets could out here. All you had was what was on your body for warmth. You weren’t prepared to be sent to a different world.

Out here, alone, you were able to go over every detail of the creature you gather without it’s eyes on you. What was it? A demon? A swamp monster? The fact it could camouflage into thin air was stunning. It shocked you that anything could do that at its will. You’ve never heard of anything being able to do that in your whole life. Another detail was its claws. Sharp, fatal. They looked like they could tear the meat right off of your bones. The last thing was it’s mask. What was behind it? Why did it wear such a thing? You shook your head before turning back towards the camp sight.

As you strolled into the meadow, you felt nothing. You stopped point blank and gasped at the empty trap. The wood in hand was dropped mindlessly onto the ground. Your feet rushed over to where it was last seen. The rock was broken, snapped by sheer strength.

Immediately, your eyes were searching the surrounding meadow. Not for tracks, but for the creature. It was a predator. A hunter that looked to have you in its sight. You weren’t going to let it get to you so easily. You tried to sense through the ground if it was nearby.

Nothing. Or if it was able to figure out your little trick, it could be in the trees. This world just got interesting.

[givethemsmut]

The Pack | Chapter Four

Characters: Dylan O’Brien, fem!reader

Pairing: Dylan O’Brien, Dylan x You

D Y L A N ‘ S P O V

It was hours later and I still hadn’t come out of my room until it was time to eat again or all the deliver pizza was gone. I headed to the kitchen and ran into Posey with Alex, the new blonde, hanging on his every word and muscle.

I was still pissed at him and purposely let my disgust show at their flirting in front of me. “Hey man. Sorry about earlier but you had to hear it.”

I slammed down my water down and turned to him, “Take your own advice. You don’t know her but it’s okay she’s over and you’re screwing? Whoa slow down, killer.” I turned to Alex, “You’re like the fifth girl this month. Makes you wonder if he cleans his sheets, huh?”

I took my keys off the counter and headed towards my car. I needed a break from my best friend. I just started driving with no destination until I texted her.

ME: Let’s meet up. I’ll come to you.

She was reluctant. She said she was busy but we both knew it was a lie. I had to settle for texts.

ME: Sorry about Tyler. Ignore him. You aren’t some rebound okay? As soon as I bumped into you I knew I wanted to know you.

HER: Six years is a long time. You must be heartbroken. You have to heal.

ME: I’m bummed but I’m not devastated. I’ve seen you more in two days than I’ve seen her in months, okay? We were trying to hard to make it work.

HER: What do you mean?

ME: All we were good at was having sex. We didn’t talk anymore. We didn’t wanna see each other. We weren’t being there for each other anymore.

HER: Still…

ME: Still nothing. So what we got wasted and fucked. We made it right - we hung out, talked. We didn’t bail and call it a regret.

Y O U R P O V

I didn’t text him back at all. I had class to focus on and avoiding Brody who was waiting across the street to make sure I wasn’t being held hostage by a stranger. I pretended not to see him in the meantime.

Making a violent work place for my Dad wasn’t an option so forgetting Dylan ever happened was my only option left.

I loved Brody and that hurt enough being rejected for something so lame. I can’t imagine Dylan’s heart being rejected after six years worth of memories. For the next two weeks I kept to myself, Alex, school, and Starbucks. Those were my GPS markers and I realized how lame I was but it kept the organ in my heart from breaking.

My dad was actually home one Tuesday night which was odd considering he had a lot of night shoots lately. I was heating up some soup when he sat down at the island inquiring about Dylan.

“So what’s going on with Dylan?”

I raised an eyebrow confused, “Well that was weeks ago. Thanks for asking.”

I sat down with my soup and a water across from him at the same kitchen island as him. “No, seriously. He’s been a raging teenager on set.”

“He’s young enough. He also plays a teenager. Method acting?”

“Him and Tyler are normally full of laughs, energy. Did you guys fight? Break up? Was it the sex part…? Not everyone will be Brody.”

“Dad! God! You can reserve this conversation with Dylan on set. I’m not talking about this with you.” I stood up completely overwhelmed and pushing my soup aside.

His eyes withered down to pure sympathy, “I don’t know a lot but I know Brody pressured you… if Dylan is pressuring you…”

I let my eyes fix on him while I spoke, “You can’t have issues with sex when you have no comparison. And we didn’t break up because we never dated. Look, I don’t know what his tantrum is about. I haven’t spoke to him in weeks.”

Abandoning my dinner entirely, I tossed my MacBook on my bed and closed my bedroom door behind me. The chirp immediately jolted my head towards the open computer showing Alex was trying to FaceTime me. Once I hit accept, I saw Tyler next to her once I was paying attention.

“Girl! Where have you been?!”

“School, Starbucks, home. Repeat. I see you’re chilling with Tyler still…” Maybe giving Alex a GPS marker was to just make myself feel better.

She must have been on her phone because he fell out of frame and was moving, “You probably don’t wanna hear this but it’s like going really well. He’s so sweet. Let’s be real… a total babe too. He’s been staying with me. He has to escape Dylan for while.”

“Why is everyone concerned with Dylan? And telling me?” I groaned between my words, sighing too heavily after.

“Girl. You happened. You left him without any word or explanation.”

I shrugged, “Talk to your new man. He’s the one who pulled Dylan from his room to tell him I was a bad idea. I just agreed.”

“Well he’s been acting crazy. Being a diva on set, giving Tyler attitude, booking up with random girls and drinking. It’s crazy! Completely downhill as far as Tyler has told me.”

“Well he can’t act like a child because one girl blew him off. He’ll survive. Girl, I gotta write a paper. I’ll text you tomorrow.” I closed my computer so fast I felt the fire ride up my neck into my cheeks. I was embarrassed and a little in love with being his downfall.

Brody pressured me to give him every ounce of me but not having me didn’t ruin him either.

The next morning I stopped at Starbucks for a venti iced coffee before class. I could feel my eyes burning and watering at the exposure of the LA sun from not sleeping. All I did was turn and turn, physically wrestling my decision to not even give Dylan w chance.

My only morning class was a lecture too as if I wasn’t already struggling. Sitting in the back I hid in plain sight when about 30 minuets after a packed class was losing focus the old, heavy, door sounded. I couldn’t see without glasses but I heard his voice and instantly slipped deeper in my seat.

Shit. Dylan.

He interrupted the teacher, “Hey, um sorry sir it’s an emergency. Life and death.” He raced up the stairs to me after scanning the room and I hoped my blending in skills finally worked.

I could hear the entire class was whispering, clamoring, trying to place his familiar face.

Am I literally the last person alive to not watch Teen Wolf? Really?

He kneeled down whispering, “Hey. Can you come with me? I pulled a lot of Teen Wolf strings to find your classroom.”

I closed my MacBook quietly before swallowing my pride, “Dylan. I’m in class.”

He grabbed my bag, “And? I just got you a hall pass.”

I didn’t move so he turned to the class, addressing them like he was about to make a speak. “Hey guys. I’m Dylan. I play Stiles on Teen Wolf on –“

I grabbed his arm urging him to stop. “Fine. You win,” as I got up leading him outside. Soon as we were safely in the hallway I asked him, “Mind telling me what this about?”

He shrugged, “I wanted to see you. My car is over there, blue Jeep, hop in.”

I sat in the bucket seats of his car, climbing inside the same car I parked next to the day I ran into him. “Heard you’re being awful to everyone.”

He played shocked well, mouth open and almost laughing because he knew it was true. He said, “Me? Nah. I’m always a peach.” He smiled big and started his electric blue colored Jeep. After driving 10 minuets in silence he said, “Okay. Caught me. I was a dick to everyone… I didn’t wanna stop knowing you okay? I don’t like being the guy who fucks for the sake of getting off.”

I was shocked he felt that way. He must of saw how shocked I was because he continue, “Okay, calm down. You don’t have to be so shocked. Your dad is our produce, he doesn’t tell you things?”

“Not about the cast and sex…”

Dylan pulled into a small local shop, “I refused to do a sex scene in Teen Wolf. They added it for ratings. Not for the character development.”

I was now even more shocked. His job is to act, really anything, and he refused because of personal morales. We both got out and I asked him, “If we weren’t wasted would you still have had sex with me?”

He opened the door to the shop for me, “Kissed you sure but not sex. Welcome to my favorite restaurant. We’re going on a real date so you can reject me like a normal person.”

I couldn’t help but smile some, he was smooth and he view on sex was genuine. Similar to mine instead making myself fit into someone’s box. We found a small table in the corner with a large window and he started ordering everything when half way through he turned to me, “Can I order for you? Do you want anything or just me…?”

I laughed knowing he was anyways. “So Alex and Tyler…?”

Dylan laughed, “This month. I mean no offense. Girls like the abs and the wolf status then get bored and leave. But yeah she’s been around. She was on set the other day too.”

“Two divas on set, wow. My dad was complaining and trying to blame me for your behavior. Somehow our not existent relationship is effecting you. He even asked if we had an argument.”

Pushing himself closer to me, “I may have lost it a minuet. He’s a hypocrite! She’s on set, new, they don’t know each other and fucking like bunnies. I actually like you and he tells me it’s a problem? Fuck off, bro. We have bad timing, isn’t that every romantic comedy?” I laughed seeing him fired up was funny as anything. “Least your dad thinks I’m boyfriend material.”

I laughed again the food arrived my mouth salivated at how perfect a meal this was. Our conversation felt endless. Everything from his sister’s journey on coming out, his parents, worrying about the future.

After we made it back to the car it was hours later. Both of us settling in the car he turned to me, his hand reaching out to touch my leg. “So I shouldn’t be asking you this but how’s adjusting to life post virgin?”

I nearly hugged myself feeling very vulnerable at the time, “It’s different… before I could focus but now I’m like distracted constantly. It’s like an itch you can’t scratch. Anything can distract me and I’m all of a sudden I’m… you know.”

He jumped in and finished my sentence, “Horny?” Putting his hand on my thigh and gently squeezing, “You gotta get it out of your system. Your body knows it’s new.”

I got excited just from his hand so much I quivered inside against the butterflies. “So I’m just suppose to sleep with anyone until I’m use to it and it’s not distracting anymore?”

I was being sarcastic but he turned to me even more, “No. Just with me. My place or yours? Let’s avoid our best friends judging us.”

[crush-zombie]

Where I am in life? Things that have happened. The continuing circus of the wild west of my existence. It's a long post ;

I lived in Ontario for three years, from 2018 to 2022, in a couple of places.

The friend I was supposed to move in with, to ease my spiralling depression, backed out at the last moment with threats. The "you're lucky I'm not around or I'd beat your ass" kind of threats, because I refused to give up and let despair engulf me.

I ended up in the basement of a friend of my mother's for a year. For apartment-finding (and legal) reasons I had my sister (and her partner) come as well, and after a year of searching and filling out applications the three of us got kicked out. We stayed in the woods by a highway for a week before getting sent to a homeless shelter.

2 months there was bad. The details probably aren't necessary, but it was dehumanizing.

After that we ended up in one of Canada's "hot spots" for Covid when the pandemic broke out. It took about a month there before my sister's partner started (continuing to) abuse me. My sister didn't care. My illness(es) had been intensifying all throughout those years, but they really hit a fever pitch at this time. I spent a lot of time gasping on the floor.

Along with my illness(es), during all this time I was struggling with suicidal feelings and urges. That's why I moved to Ontario to begin with-- I hoped things would be better there somehow, like a complete idiot ;

After threats from my sister and her partner a friend back in Newfoundland offered me an out. I returned, tail between my legs and my dog, who I dragged through all this chaos, was getting so old he can barely walk. My energy was so, so low and I put just about all of it into caring for him.

About 6 months into living with my friend she unloaded all her issues with me (that I studied like a motherfucker, because I am and always am convinced that I'm the problem in everything)-- that I eat too much, I don't clean the house enough, I'm "disrespectful" (conversely another friend often tells me I'm "too polite"), I "over parent" her daughter (this still confuses me), that she didn't believe I was disabled, that covering for my old, sickly dog was disgusting. I spiralled very hard, and got brought out to the dining room table to be told all the things I should be doing and what I was doing wrong. Immediately afterwards I started planning my suicide. My dearest (internet) friend kept me from death, but in its place I started developing an eating disorder, eating nothing but one meal a day (which sometimes didn't happen) and being nearly bedbound with hunger and exhaustion every day. I started cleaning the house, sweeping, tidying, doing the dishes and folding laundry for the two other adults and one child in the house. No-one complained. I'm convinced everyone in the world would be flattered to have someone bend to their neuroses.

When I forced myself to stop believing I was disabled I lost the language to describe my experiences. I ended up with a counselor in a matter of a week because of my mental state, and he had the unfortunate and arduous job of piecing my shattered mind back together. It's still missing bits... rough in a lot of places.

April of last year, I had to put my dog down. I was spending all my time taking care of him because he couldn't even stand anymore, and the vet really laid it down for me: this was it. So... Even just writing about it puts a lump in my throat and hot tears in my eyes. Grief is hellish agony, maybe the worst I've ever experienced. "I wouldn't be surprised," my counselor said, "you loved that dog more than most people love their own children."

In June I moved again. Currently I'm renting a room with a bunch of dirty 20-something-year-olds who do nothing but smoke weed all day every day and spend 8 AM every morning coughing until they urge, so I roll over and stuff ear plugs in my ears. At least they seem to be good people, and they know to keep their noses out of my business. And $600 for a single room and access to a (disgusting) bathroom, a (disgusting) kitchen and a (disgusting) laundry room with everything included is far, far from the worst I've had. I'm poor, but... it's something, and something isn't nothing.

[ilysmjihyo]

My Muse

Non-binary Reader not proofread

Sun rays caress their golden skin as if they were her lover; gentle, ever caring never once showing any hint of malice. Oh love if only you knew how much I adore you. Capturing you in every waking moment holding these memories so close for if I was to lose you my world would break in two. For an artist creating the most beautiful things the world has never seen is not an easy feat, especially if that something happens to be the love of your life. No matter how many times I’ve painted you it can never compare to the real thing.Lines dance across an ivory canvas, in tuned to the swaying of the brush like a waltz one two three, one two three making sure every detail is precise. The cosmos took their time creating you so I shall do the same replicating, but if I’m being honest no matter how accurate I am the real thing just doesn’t do my work justice. Not even Aphrodite herself could compete with you. When I say these sweet words to you and only you, know that my heart is full and true. You roll your eyes and throw you head back laughing brandishing that smile, that smile that makes me weak, knees buckling. If I wasn’t sitting down I would have fell over by now, but obviously I’ve already fallen for you and quite frankly I don’t ever want to come back up for air. Drowning in your energy is the best way to pass in my opinion and besides I’d find you in the next life we’d share together.

As I add more details I can see you become more restless as time passes “Y/n how much longer do I have to sit like this, you said it wouldn’t take long this time.” She says mild annoyance in her voice with a mixture of playfulness “It has to be perfect love, should I taint your beauty I’ll break my brushes in half.” Seriousness in my voice eyebrows furrowed. Granted I’ve done this many times by now mainly by bribing and a few sweet kisses here and there, but each time it has to be perfect for all I want is for you to see what I see and feel what I feel every time I look at you. You would scoff at me and say I’m biased that I’m supposed to say those things because I’m your lover, but gosh how wrong you are my love. I’m not the best when it comes to communicating my thoughts it’s kinda hard when you have the most ethereal person next to you. So I hope these paintings will suffice. “Do you remember the first time I said I love you”.? I ask to distract them. It wasn’t a question more so a statement being they couldn’t respond anyhow, instead their expression softened, eyes as endearing as always like stars are scattered within them. “It was after a month we had started dating, we went to our favorite spot, the park.” I say brushstrokes swiping defining every curve of their body that I know oh so well, it’s as if I’m hold them myself. “The sun was setting but neither one of us wanted to leave too immersed in our own comfort for one another.” My chest swelling with emotion, how could one person bring out such sickeningly sweet passion within me it’s almost profound. You would think they’d be tired of it by now, but as much as they make a face or sounds disgust it’s followed by their own passion for me as well and I gotta say it’s just as profound. I chuckle to myself at the thought though they’d kill me if I told anybody it would ‘ruin their image’ they’d say but I want everyone to know I’m yours and you are mine. “ I didn’t know what to do so I grabbed your hand, it felt like electricity coursed through my body. I was so shy back then hahaha I’m still shy even now.” Words flow out like a stream that would eventually tumble out into a waterfall as I quicken my pace knowing you’d be done for soon. “So soft and tender you felt around me I never wanted to let you go. As I looked up at you stars collided creating a supernova of emotions I had never felt before.”Holding a hand to their chest smiling bright as ever “Yah you and your romanticism is gonna make me puke one of these days. I was there too ya know.” They say making sounds of disgust ‘Y/n you really are a fool, but my fool nonetheless’ they thought. Putting a few finishing touches I chuckled out “That may be true, but when I looked at you that night I knew from then on that I wanted to love nobody else but you, my darling if I could have given you the universe I would have for no one will ever compare.” I set down my brushes paint smeared on my face and clothes an artistic mess so to speak but they were fond of me looking that way. Finally able to move they get up and come to where I’m sitting placing themselves on my lap arms wrapped tight around me. Staring in awe as tears threaten to spill over “of all the paintings I’ve done you are my most beautiful work of art.” I grab their hand bringing it up to my lips kissing ever so gently, rubbing the back of their knuckles with my thumb “ For as long as I’m in your life you will always be my love, my muse, my Jeongyeon.”

[lesbian-ed]

Hi. I don't know if this blog is still active but in case it is I was hoping maybe to hear some thoughts from you, or maybe even your followers, about confidence and comfort towards one's own body. Like how to deal with anxiety. I am lesbian, obviously female, way too old, I've never had sex, or even really dated. I don't approach people romantically because I hate my body and distance myself from all chances for dating. I've been trying to lose weight but I've struggled with obesity practically all my life. I also think I'm much hairier (I mean it's everywhere and I'm not light haired either omg) than what is normal for most women, and I hate both shaving and just letting the hair grow. I have more or less given up on dating because I don't want people to see me naked or get close to me. Sometimes I feel I'm content but sometimes I feel this isn't healthy: it concerns me that my hatred for my body is keeping me from experiencing intimacy, and how long can that go on until it becomes psychologically damaging. Though who am I kidding - the damage's been done. I understand that people of all shapes and sizes etc. date, fall in love and so on, but I have this deep-rooted discomfort about my body that I've felt since I was around twelve. So I was hoping to hear some thoughts or experiences on how one might overcome this kind of persistent disgust, though I understand if this isn't the kind of ask you wanna answer. In any case thank you for reading.

Hi! I'm sorry this ask has been sitting in our inbox for a few months, unfortunately we don't always still have the time or energy to go through the asks anymore. I wanted to answer this, and I know it's so late but here's to hoping you might wander back here someday, and that this may help you, or another woman who feels similary.

I shared this view for a really long time (so much so, I identified as trans for a long time. I never felt "woman enough" because of my body). I struggled with being fat, hairy, "unwomanly".

When I was in school all of my friends got attention from boys and men, and I never peaked anyone's interest. Even though I didn't want to be with boys, I still craved that attention, I thought there was something wrong with me for being someone who no one would ever want. I punished myself with no eating, too much eating, self harm.

For me, what finally clicked was when I was first introduced to radical feminism, and through that I started thinking about the concept of inherent worth. I knew all women had inherent worth for being women, for being alive. I knew I had empathy and care for all women, regardless of thei appearance, and I thought they all deserve respect. That eventually led to the radical realization that if I think all women are worthy, then I must extend this to myself. I am woman, just as any other. And my external appearance doesn't change my self worth.

It really helped to stop seeing what is considered "ugly" as a negative thing, and rather to think of it as neutral, inconseqential, of no value. Instead of looking at all that was "wrong" with me as a bad thing, I took all power from it. I knew that I would never think badly of other women who looked like me, so why would I be the only exception?

Slowly, I was able to take away all the weight I put into my appearance, and became more neutral. Don't get me wrong, I'm not magically healed. There are still days where I'm reminded of all the ways that I don't fit into society's expectations for what a woman should be. I'm reminded of how terrified my mom was and still is that I'd end up staying fat. I'm reminded of aunts and uncles comenting on me losing and gaining weight since I was as young as 6 or 7. I know that being hairy, with dark body hair all over, is not the standard for what's attractive.

But those days have less weight in the grand scheme of things because no longer is my focus in life to be palatable. And I don't mean to come off like I have all the answers, that my way is the only way. I know this is not an easy journey.

But I think in order for you to start seeing yourself as someone who is worthy of desire, of love, of care, first you've got to see yourself as human. The more I look back at how people treated me growing up, at how people still treat me now, the truth is that society doesn't see "ugly" women as people. We are dehumanized, objectified as clutter, things in the way of what is "right".

I'm sure you're a kind and nice person. Look at yourself from the outside in, look at yourself as you'd look at someone else: what would you say to yourself then? Would you really think so badly of you then?

Be patience. I understand we have a lot telling us that we are not good enough, that aging is bad, that we have expiration dates. But as long as you are around, you are human, you are worthy of kindness.

Regarding the romantic aspect of this, I used to share your anxiety, that no one would want to look at me naked, that I would never feel comfortable undressing in front of someone. But then I met my girlfriend, and she made me feel so comfortable with myself that when we finally met and the time came to share intimacy... It just happened so organically, so naturally. It wasn't a performance, it was caring for each other. Not once did she look at me with disgust, not once was she anything but kind. I don't think it's just because she's some saint. I think when you care about someone, attraction comes naturally, and you don't separate body and mind. You just know that is your person, and you want them fully.

So maybe slowly working on allowing others to see you for who you are, not physically, but like.... Your personality. Open up. It doesn't need to be going on dating apps. It's just... surround yourself with women. Be around other women, love them, let them love you.

Things move slow, but self care can be just allowing a friend to tell you you're a good person. Accept compliments, even when your instinct is to tell others that they're wrong. Be kind to yourself. You deserve kindness, there is nothing about the way you look that is inherently wrong.

Posting this here so hopefully we'll hear from others as well, and hopefully you'll catch this one. Take care. Be well. You deserve good things, just because you're human, just because you're there.

[pbandjesse]

I wish I could say that today was excellent and I felt really good but honestly after last night I just felt exhausted all day and kind of emotionally worn out. And it wasn't a bad day but man was last night terrible.

The last thing that I wrote last night was that Brandon was there and that he had brought wedding videos. And that I was hoping that they would be really good. And objectively they're filmed beautifully. I only watched 2 minutes but I could tell that they were made very nicely. But I hate how I looked in it. Like viscerally I was shocked how horrible I thought I looked and I felt sick watching it. I felt embarrassed and disgusting and ashamed that anybody looked at me. I haven't felt that bad about myself in a very long time. And I could tell how much James was liking watching the trailer for the video. But I could not watch the rest of it. I tried to laugh it off but inside like if only my spirit broke I was so upset. I tried not to let it bother me but I felt horrible.

We laid in bed and I just could not stop thinking about it. I felt like I had had a lot of hard feelings about the wedding and the engagement and everything and I've dealt with a lot of that and I've worked hard to be okay with everything because the wedding itself was beautiful. And worked out well enough. But now I feel like all of my good feelings towards it were a lie. I felt like I had this idea in my head of what I looked like and how I experienced the day and seeing these two minutes just took all of those feelings and I just fell apart.

By midnight James was asleep and I was sitting in the bathroom just sobbing. Just absolutely heaving sobs. So devastated and like I said I felt embarrassed that anybody has looked at me. I didn't feel beautiful I felt like monster.

Actually I calm down and I texted Jess just cuz I had to tell someone. I tried to wake James up but they were very much out. And then I cried a little bit more and then around 1:00 James woke up enough to turn the light off and I was just laying there crying and they didn't notice and that just put me at hysterics and I pushed them really hard and they immediately sat up and were like what's wrong??? And then I cried even harder and I was hysterical trying to explain what was upsetting me and it was terrible. I cried for like an hour, I couldn't breathe, I felt like I was choking. It was horrible and I was so tired and it was after 2:00 a.m. and I had to wake up in the morning and it's just was terrible but eventually I calmed down enough to fall asleep.

I slept an extra hour because while I should be here at Camp by 8:00 I really don't need to be ready to go and tell him like 9:30 so it was okay even if it wasn't ideal. I gave James a hug before they left and I slept that extra hour. And when I woke up for real my eyes were very swollen and my body was just so tired. I didn't feel as horrible thinking about the video anymore. But if I thought about it for a few seconds I would start to tear up again and I just felt so bad about myself.

I got to camp at 9:00 and everything set up and went for a little walk just to try to get some of my sad feelings out. And throughout the day I would feel a little better. I'm still not interested in watching that video again because it just hurt too bad even if James says that my strong feelings aren't the truth. Like they loved watching the trailer and were visibly and energy-wise so clearly happy and I just felt stupid because I made something that they were clearly happy about into a bad thing. And I was trying to let it go. But it feels very hard.

Thankfully both of my morning groups work great and really helps distract me for how upset I was. My first group was top bar and they were really sweet and did a good job on their art. And then I had the new round of YLP counselors and they seem like a really solid group and are very nice. And they did a good job too. And while they were there and Ray told me that he's going to try to go into tattooing and he wanted some tips on shading and learning how light direction works so I gave him some charcoal and some instructions on how to make gradient boxes to practice. And I just tried not to think about how people look at me and my body or anything like that because every time I do I just feel horrible. And that's really hard on something I've been working to not think about. Like I've been trying to be positive and feel good about myself and I just felt like everything was cut right from beneath me. My self-esteem is kind of destroyed right now.

CJ would come right before lunch and be sad outside and I told her a little bit about what happened and she kept saying that I was beautiful in my wedding day and that while she understands my feelings they're not true and maybe the rest of the video would be okay. And I really hope that's true but emotionally I don't know when I'm going to be able to sit down and watch it because those two minutes were so incredibly jarring and upsetting to me. And I'm glad that I had my friend there but I did cry a bit and I can compartmentalize a lot of it but I also feel stupid for feeling this strongly and making it basically my entire day's thoughts. I don't want that to be the focus but man, was it.

The afternoon was fine but I was a little exhausted. After CJ and me talked for a while she went to go get some kids that were doing awards. And CJ, Katerina, and two kids doing tipis would spend the next half hour sorting string for me while I laid in the hammock and watched a video and tried to just be quiet for a bit.

And then my afternoon group was really nice. I had day camp and stockade and the stockade boys did casting and the day campers did the rock paintings and everyone seemed to really enjoy it and it was a really good time. Nothing super exciting happened We were having a lot of fun casting and I really enjoyed talking to the boys and lots of laughs were had and I did not burn myself which is always a plus. And I talked to Jorge about how me and James are thinking about having a kid and buying a house. And they were like that's wild and I said yeah it's so adult. And I just tried to be positive.

I did forget briefly that I was going to have horse girls, well horse campers ( there are four boys this week which is wild to me! ), And so I had one more break until they would come. And they were fine. I told Krissy about my upset feelings and she immediate was like no you are beautiful I don't know what you're talking about stupid stupid stupid. And at least that made me laugh and it made me feel a little bit better.

The worst camper struggled to clean up but they seem to enjoy project. And we found a butterfly that had just come out of its chrysalism was still all wet. And it's one wing wasn't unfurling properly so we found a safe place to put the baby butterfly and then I just kept knitting and trying to be positive.

After they left I had one of the beverage boys up here getting string and eventually I got him to go. I had gotten a little upset when all of a sudden a bunch of people from the field came up and didn't even ask me and just started taking string off the shelf and I was like nope absolutely not get out of here. And I probably could have been nicer but I also thought they were horse girls that were just not cleaning up and instead starting a new project that was all confused. But it's fine though forgive me in the future. I just wish the people would ask me before they start taking stuff. Especially because you were just cleaning it today and somehow it already got messed up so now I'm hiding cleaned bags in my clothing box. I just wanted to stay nice for a little bit longer.

Once the campers were gone I locked the doors and I clean myself up a little bit with cold washcloth and I got changed and it made me feel a lot better, more human. And then I walked down to the dining hall to see if I could help set anything up.

I told Charlotte about the wedding video and how upset it made me and she was like I'm sure in the rest of it there are parts that you'll like and I'm like okay I hope so. And then I told Celia and she said that she bets if she watched it as soon as I come up on the screen she would have been like nope you're beautiful and shut that shit down. Wish made me laugh and she also told me that she liked that I was wearing my hair in a ponytail and she thought that it looked cute. I think she was trying to be extra nice to me because I was upset and hurting still.

And honestly I think some of my heart is just tied to disappointment. Like a lot of it's tied to me being self-conscious and feeling like all the angles that this video was shot in were unflattering for me. And that again, only Jess really knows my angles well. But also it's kind of tied up and being disappointed that it's just another thing around the wedding that wasn't exactly what I wanted. While it's beautiful it's not the style I had imagined and I just feel kind of sad. I'm hoping this weekend that I can sit down and watch the rest of it and be in a place emotionally where I'm not going to just pick out every single one of my flaws and I can see it what it is and not have an absolute emotional breakdown but I don't know if I'm going to be able to do that. We'll see I guess.

After I helped count cups I made a salad. The salad bar was absolutely stocked tonight and that was awesome. There was even hard boiled eggs and croutons. I was thrilled. And then I would get mac and cheese which was only weird because they used ziti but they're still pretty good. And I had a nice conversation with Celia and we also talked about the end of the day snack issue with day camp coming to specialty with food with Annabelle and Cody. They all agree that it is not a good situation. But hopefully when the Gator gets fixed they'll be able to deliver snacks at a tents and not early. Because that was not fun today dealing with gogurts and Starbursts all over my building. Apparently the kids were told to not eat them until when they got back to their tent but they were already eating it when they got to the building so it's kind of hard to be like put that over the way that is half open. So it's fine but hopefully tomorrow I won't have to deal with that.

After dinner I walked to the office to steal their air conditioning. I said hello to Chris and lamented with him that there were no more mushrooms today. And we talked about how it was supposed to rain but it missed us and how it might rain again this weekend. And then I talked to Alexi for a minute before she headed home. And then I chilled inside.

I went up to the attic to see if there was any yarn but no luck. I did find nature and arts and crafts badges and I've decided that since me and Celia are working in those departments we can get badges even though we didn't do the coup. Celia did come over and I scare her real bad by accident cuz she didn't know I was coming down the stairs and then I would chill in the office and read my book until we got to the part where you realize that the Titanic was sinking. That's when I decided I was done with the AC and I would go back to arts and crafts.

On my walkover I got stopped twice where people gave me hugs. Which was very nice. I love getting hugs. I feel like the kids are not as huggy this year! It's fine I understand but usually kids are hugging me all the time. And then after chatting with Chloe for a little while about how I hit myself in the wrist with a book and fixed it. She thought that was very funny.

Then I just spent some time laying in my outside hammock reading and finishing my book. PJ came over to sit for a while cuz he just needed somewhere to be quiet. Apparently he's had quite a week with his campers. And after he left I finished my book which left me crying of course. Always does. And then I was just really ready to get into my painting.

I have not really worked on my summer painting much in the last few weeks. Just haven't been enjoying the paint that we have and I just have a lot of issues with perspective and sizing in what I already laid down so I really thought that tonight would be a good place for me to really layer a bunch of color in so then I can go back in with a markers and fill in more space.

I would spend about an hour working on my painting and it's definitely better than it was but it's got a lot of problems. Especially the wood that's in the front of the building is all wrong. The scale is all off there but I think it'll be fine in the end. I have a couple more weeks to work on it. I think tomorrow I'll probably go back in with more markers and see about that but I still have some places I want to layer more of color like with the red and the dirt areas out front of the building because it's like gravel and gravel is really hard to get the color right so I'm kind of just making it up as I go. I also have like no white paint left so that is an issue and that I'm going to have to try to resolve. At least I had a good time.

Now I am laying in bed, my hammock that is. My stomach hurts really bad and I'm very sleepy. I don't feel as emotionally fragile right now. I am emotionally tired. Me and James are talking about the video right now and James doesn't think that the larger one will upset me as much when we sit down and watch it and they kind of scrolled through it and they think that there are a lot of places where we can get screenshots to do prints when we do our wedding book. Wish I'm hoping to do soon. I just want to have good memories around it and not have this just taint and pull apart all of my positive feelings.

I hope tomorrow is easier. I hope it feels lighter and kinder and softer. I hope my stomach doesn't hurt and I hope that it's a beautiful day. It's supposed to be very hot the next couple days so fingers crossed that it stays fairly cool up here as it has been. I hope you guys sleep well tonight. I love you all. Be kind to yourself, kinder than I am to myself.

[pseudo-apollo]

Get Fucked, Mercenary Art Studio

I'm not one for drama, I swear, but as someone who enjoys going to comic conventions, buying art that looks cool, and spreading awareness, I can't help myself in this particular instance.

I was recently at a con, and while perusing the wonderful art booths, came across one with a cool trio of art of Venom, Carnage, and Spider-Man. Classic stuff. I took a closer look and naturally started flipping through the book of this artist's other work and noticed something off. Like...I immediately knew that at least 95% was AI-generated. It wasn't even like they'd touched up some AI-generated stuff. No, it still had all the hallmarks. Creepily asymmetrical eyes, incomplete patters/shapes (great example was looking at a Captain America piece where a star was missing two whole points...), and just that general very surreal look that a lot of AI-generated art has.

But hey, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, even when it is painfully obvious what's going on.

So I take note of the name on the booth, Mercenary Art Studio, and do a little digging when I'm finished for the day at the con and have some down time. It's easy to find the online presence, and despite what the name might suggest (or made me think, personally) it appears to just be one artist, not multiple working under a single name. It looks like the artist has a Twitter (@mercenary_art), Facebook, Discord, Twitch, website, everything.

Looking at the website, this artist is peddling NFTs (still? I thought we collectively decided we were done with that), but more importantly, on Twitter, many art pieces are clearly tagged with #aiart. Well, at least they're not trying to be subtle. Even some of the ones being sold as NFTs are tagged as #aiart. So not only are they selling this stolen art at the convention as prints, but online as NFTs. I would expect no less.

Now, I say all this knowing that this artist only has 7,195 followers on Twitter (at the time of this post), but this is utterly despicable. For someone profiting off stolen artwork to claim to be an "artist" is disgusting. Doing this does not make you an artist. To claim that you are an artist, and then to profit from it makes you a lowlife. Lazy, talentless, and scummy.

I know we saw this coming with the rise of and accessibility to AI art-generators. I know this probably doesn't come as a surprise to any reading this, but having seen it invade convention space, I wanted to put a warning out there. This isn't necessarily about this singular person in particular, but about a larger trend we will undoubtedly be seeing over the next few years.

So please, don't buy anything from Mercenary Art Studio, make sure no one around you does either, but more importantly:

Please be careful and critical when buying art from conventions. I can't image Mercenary Art is the only one doing it, but at least they're not even trying to hide it (...yet).

There are so many talented, devoted artists out there who make the art that they sell, have spent years on their craft and hours on their pieces. As more and more people try to capitalize on stolen art, I feel it is more important than ever to support those hardworking artists. So please, support artists, show that we won't accept AI-generated bullshit. Show that we value humanity and hard work. Thank you.

Tl;dr I was at a convention and a booth there was selling AI-generated "art". Please don't support people peddling stolen art, instead support the human artists who devote time and energy and love to their craft.

[ohmygoat-in-sorry]

12/15/2024

hi blog! its been a minute since i journaled and I have MAJOR updates.

Yesterday, I performed on stage! It's been six years since I've danced on stage with a team, and they are like family to me. The prep work was honestly exhausting. It took a lot of energy, time, and dedication. It was definitely an experience that I would never forget or regret. Performing on a stage again was on my goal list at the beginning of this year, and I am beyond happy to say that I did that—I DID THAT! I acknowledge that not everything will work out in my favor, I can't control everything, and life will have its curveballs. But, life also has choices you can control and choosing to train in dance this year and choosing to train with these people is something I am beyond grateful for.

On June 14th, 2022 you told yourself never to stop dancing (amongst other things). I am really proud of that I have kept the promises I made to myself no matter how difficult the journey has been. The graph may not be linear but I stuck with the vision and 2 years later I trained AND PREFORMED! IT'S BEYOND what I thought would happen even 2 years ago.

I also turned 25 this year! I am a quarter of the way through life. I read some of the birthday letters and posts I made to myself and they always make me cry because it always starts off with you thought you wouldn't make it to this day. So, I am going to start it off on a lighter note and say congratulations! Congratulations Lauren, you've accomplished so much since that day and your younger self would be so proud of you. Some major life goals you've accomplished were moving to a new city, solo traveling outside of the country (Canada counts), continued to dance, A CAREER IN YOUR DREAM FIELD, and shared so much love with others that you've inspired them to love someone else the same way you do. I think that's very powerful. At the time, the heartbreaks and grief could feel unbearable and sometimes you look back at your past with disgust and regret, but I also wanted to always make the world a better place and by sharing the unconditional love you have and having others and having them spread those ways is beyond powerful. It feels good to know that you helped shape who they are today by just simply sharing an experience you have with them.

You also now realize you don't need to be a stepping stone for others. You love yourself so much that you wouldn't sacrifice yourself for someone else's growth. You now know how powerful your love is and to willingly give it is simply not enough anymore. Giving 20% or even 10% is still more than enough for some people. You've learned and experienced a lot where giving 100% is not always necessary. And I think 16 year old Lauren would be so happy she learned that she could love herself this much and still experience love over and over again.

Speaking of love...LOL well not exactly yet! It could turn into love and it is on the right track, but you are exclusively seeing someone right now. Let's call him A. Because he is still A option, still A person we are learning about and willing to learn more about BUT you have learned to approach new romantic relationships with caution!!! You have so so so much love within you that even it intimidates others. It could scare others, it could also help them too. In this case, both of you are testing the waters and so far its been all you could ask for. You always like starting off as friends because you value and believe that's where the foundation of a relationship begins, and he's been more than understanding rather empathetic to how slow you want to move as he also the same! He approaches new relationships with caution and you find that very attractive as he is just as intentional as you are! Also very goofy, attractive, athletic, curious, and willing. While he may not understand everything he is willing to ask questions without judging you and being mean and willing to be open to new ideas, activities, habits...everything. His biggest fear is being stagnant and he has his own goals he is focused on achieving and you admire that a lot. You haven't always been a physical touch person but with him you enjoy being smuched against him especially during sleepovers...well actually last night you pushed him you almost fell of your bed but its cute when you say your gonna get a bigger and he says no i want to be closer to you lets get a twin xl instead. Its all jokes clearly bc you would never downsize but having him reassure that he wants to be close to you makes you feel very happy.

there is so much more i could think of, but for now, as the year comes to a close and you enter into 2025 you will remember these special, life-changing moments!

Love you lots!

Lauren

[the-kindle-pile]

[Short Romance Story] The Moon

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, real people are used as reference but not in anyway representative of anyone or my relations with them.

The song of romance has been well written across time and culture. Lyrical and enchanting, full of melody and melancholia. I've never been able to well experience it. One of the joys and sorrows I've been unceremoniously excluded from. But I will try to explain it from my meager experience. It wasn't much of anything but it wasn't nothing.

If you would know anything of romance, you would know it is not grounded in reality. It is a fleeting charm and beauty, that comes and go. She wasn't as beautiful as you thought she was. He wasn't as handsome and amazing as you thought he was. It is just an illusion but it is the illusion we cling onto. Well-maintained physique will help you keep the illusion, reminding you of the roaring years of your youth. Which is also why love grounded in the physical will erode away. Yet we cannot deny it is the physical that will trigger our neurons. We can call it spiritual, we can call it fate but we cannot deny ourselves that the partial core truth of love is physical.

Yet if love was only purely physical, it would not have permeated through all of media and persisted through time and culture, poems, lyrics and prose. It would not have meaning in art and roses, in gems and stones. It would not exist in other symbols if it was just carnal.

And so, I shall attempt to write it, a story. A story that is just a little bit off the tone of reason. A nostalagia for the disaster that is my unrequited love.

My experience with the opposite sex during my youthful days were limited. I came from a boy school and did not interact with girls until I was in my late teens in Polytechnic. When I first spoke to her it was for a project, yet I did not feel the nervousness that a young boy teen would when he speaks with an attractive counterpart. But rather, I was above all, confused.

You see, even at a young age, I was full of self-doubt and low self-esteem. A clearly attractive girl talking to me with respect and without disgust, surprised me. I didn't have my hair done, I did not dress well, my skin complexion was awful (and still is). To watch and sit right next to her partaking complete, deep conversations with her, felt so satisfying. She was a natural academic. We both studied sociology as our elective but she was in a different field, food science. I wonder how far she got with that.

We had many conversations but she was mainly the one doing the talking, which I loved. She can go on and on about sociology and random little things. About how cute the way hair buns sat upon our classmates heads, about how qauntities of our daily energy was burnt by our brains during studies. And I would just sit there and listen, throwing in a joke or two and she would laugh. Those were simpler days.

Unfortunately for me, she was already with someone else. She never talked about him but not for the lack of love. But simply because they had spent so much time together that they were comfortable with each other. She had something precious and it was something she cherished dearly.

I knew I couldn't give her a better life. I knew I couldn't promise to make her happier. I knew myself too well, to believe that I could treat her better. I knew it wasn't possible.

But I did love her.

I knew the words that would cheer her up when she was sad. I knew the gifts to buy when she was feeling down. I knew the songs she would love when we were just relaxing. Every gift I bought, I took considerations. I care to be thoughtful but not romantic. What she treasured most, I treasured too. I do not dare to say we shared something. But there was something that was drawing us together, our love of the same intangible little things and value of what we considered good in ourselves that were not superficial. She drew me in, like tides to the Moon.

There was a day we were out on an assignment that required us to be out in the field, filling surveys with the public. We were paired up as a team and had to go door to door to have our surveys filled. Me being an extreme introvert, hated the acitivity. I was extremely nervous because I had to interact with strangers and moreover, she was dressed in a basic formal work attire with make up on. And that somehow, was extremely attractive to me. By the end of the day I was wrecked, distracted, tired and barely got anything done.

By the last hour, I was ready to give up. And she said, why not do one last block? But this time as a game between us both. To see which one of us could finish knocking all the doors whether answered or not. And as if the universe was responding to the call, there was unexpectedly another pair of surveyors from another team in the same block. Knowing this, we both sprinted, to race each other and the other team to knock as many doors as we could. We could hear each other talking to the residents as we went down the blocks, gauging each other's progress. Her sweet chiming voice gave me more motivation to move along through doors faster. With a simple suggestion she changed my tone towards the assigment. We had more surveys filled in that apartment block, than any other blocks that day. At the end of the night, we were exhausted but we were happy. We had so much fun and I wonder if it could stay that way. But I knew it couldn't.

At the end, the course didn't worked out for me. She excelled in her's while I struggled in mine. The studies were about people and I do not work well with them. No matter how hard I worked, changed or adapted. I could not achieve what I needed to achieve to follow where she went. Besides, having your significant other work in the same field as you is a terrible idea ( at least that was what I told myself ).

She eventually caught on and had a inkling about my feelings for her. Things became awkward and I withdrew. But we did not drift apart in bad faith. And she did not cut me out of her circle. I could still see her holiday photos of her and her partner and their families on social media. Which is all fine with me, I feel no sorrow, I am happy that she is happy. I feel no regret because I had given what I could give.

She was like the Moon to me and I am the man in the valley. Gazing up at her in the field of many stars. She was the one I felt closest to, despite being so far. She was not my first love and probably not my last. But she might have been the one that is the most enchanting and more radiant than a star.

[alienjaded]

Bathing, baking, and saving my own life: Dreams of the future.

I took a bath yesterday and then continued to cry for twenty hours straight (and more, I'm still crying as I write this).

Does this mean I'm healing? Broken? Human? Not human anymore?

I don't even know anymore, dude. I haven't felt feelings so hard in so long, but I've just been laying here crying, working, not sleeping, drinking coffee and energy drinks, vaping, and crying. Crying, crying, crying. It's weird.

I don't bathe regularly. I don't move regularly, or eat regularly, or sleep like ... at all.

I just work. I work, I vape, I may or may not pass out from fatigue, I take impeccable care of my teeth because they are my last human strength, but let my hair tangle into dreadlocks, rinse, and repeat. I am a mother fucking mess.

But I bathed. I don't even know why. I really didn't feel like it. I was just in a state of derealization and dissociation, where thoughts were no longer the boss of me, and I just bathed almost of curiosity. Maybe I was subconsciously aware that I was crossing a threshold between passingly functional and alarmingly clinical if I did not force myself to take a bath right then ...

Bathing ... hurt. It felt really good. And that pleasure really hurt. It hurts to feel good, because I don't trust it.

Living hurts a lot right now. Every time that I am silent and alone with my thoughts - no media, no music, no conversations - all I can hear in my head is "ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch." I don't even know when that pain started, or how long I have been carrying it. I've grown so used to drowning it out and numbing myself entirely. But I'm feeling it finally, and it seems unending.

My husband and I are moving away from this God forsaken state that is way too sickeningly bloated with shitty history. I hate this town and I'm ready to leave, but I'm not excited. I hate being married to my husband. I hate living with him and being in the same room with him. I want to die when he looks at me.

Funny thing is, I don't actually hate him. I actually love him dearly. He is my family and my best friend, so although I feel absolutely nothing but pain when I am around him, I give him the spousal support and kindness that I feel my friend deserves. He deserves a teammate, kind words, and affirmation. I can only be his friend, but I try to be a good one ...

But my body writhes in agony around him, because it can't forget what he did to me. It sucks. My head and my heart forgive and want to move on, but my gut, my nervous system, my adrenal glands, my kidneys, they scream and shut down whenever they are in the same room. I am miserable.

There was a time when he was absolutely fucking awful to me. I tried to leave him, but he wouldn't let me. He would either hold himself hostage by cutting his arm with kitchen knives, punching himself in the face, or tearing handfuls of his hair out ... Or he would physically hold me prisoner. He would hold the door closed when I tried to open it, wrap me in a bear hug if I tried to run away, and lick my face (I am autistic and horribly disgusted by spit - even my own). These were the tamest methods he would use to stop me from leaving.

That period of time was the darkest of my life. And although he has seen a therapist, and things have changed, I have not been able to move. I've been physically frozen. I rarely leave my house - or bed, for that matter. I've dropped twenty pounds and three pant sizes from atrophy alone. I'm thinking about taking up smoking, just for the fresh air.

I'm free now, but in my body, I am still a prisoner. I think he broke me. As I mentioned, we've been moving. He hasn't lifted a finger to pack a box. I normally wait until he falls asleep to enjoy precious moments of alone time, when I can just be with myself. I recently spent those liminal hours packing. It took all of my will power to leave my bed and pack these boxes. They were, to me, my statement to the universe that I was ready and willing to "move." Truly move. To truly live, open to this next chapter.

The next fucking morning, my husband woke up and unpacked my fucking boxes. He did not repack the boxes, he just left the shit all over the floor. His reasoning was that he wanted to throw away everything in them, and that I did not pack them properly in the first place. I can't pack sugar with tea, apparently. FUCKING WHAT? Ugh, anyways.

Here's the fucking thing. Everything that he wanted to throw away was related to baking - the activity that I engage in when I am happiest. I never bake unless I am happy, and when I am happy, I bake all of the time. At one point, it was my dream to open a bakery; baking is the overflow of joy and light in my soul. This is exactly why I chose to pack that box. Isn't it just so fucking appropriate that he unpacked this specific box and left the shit all over the floor.

His reasoning was that we can just buy more baking ingredients when we get there. Apparently, it was a waste of time to pack the ingredients in the first place (clearly). Also, according to him, I used the wrong box I used a canvas box, when I should have used cardboard. It does not seem to matter that the sound of cardboard sets my level 2 ASD on edge, catalyzing almost instant sensory processing meltdowns. It's not like that exact detail, which I have shared many times with him, happens to be exactly why we have canvas boxes. Fuck, man.

Ultimately, I compromised, telling him that he could throw away only the expired ingredients ... This ended up being literally everything. Every item was expired, some by four to five years. We've been married for five years ...

The very last time that I made baked anything was for his birthday last year; the very last night that I felt any hope in my life. This particular night is what siphons my sleep and stabs me in every silent moment. This was the night that I silently packed my bag and tried to sneak away at 4 am; the night I got caught by him, and he almost took our lives in his manic delirious fit. The night that he cannot talk about or own up to when he asks me why I am too lazy to move, and why I seem to have given up on living. The night that I stopped baking and my soul died.

I absolutely hate my existence with him. I feel like I've been slowly killing myself, the long way around, with substance abuse and sleep deprivation. I know that if I were to just off myself, he would follow. But if I were to do it slowly, subtly, and outside of his radar, he might just be able to move on and be happy.

I'm basically already dead inside. I think I might still care about living, because I've learned to shut up and bite my tongue when we argue, because a part of me still feels primally afraid that one day he might just take both of our lives if he becomes unstable enough.

Anyways, I took a bath yesterday. I lit incense and played music, and just cried. I cried, because I remembered what bathing was like before I met my husband. What living was like before him. I stopped burning incense because he didn't like the smell. I stopped playing guitar and signing, because it triggered his insecurities. I stopped speaking and sharing my opinions with him, because his fragile fucking ego could not allow a single sentence that I said to make any remote sense.

I parted with every possible comfort that made my life beautiful, because he did not like them. And he would not let me leave to go be with them again. Every time that I tried, and managed to get away from his physical grasp because I was fast or sneaky enough, he would follow me to hotels, family members' homes, or other towns ... he would stand in front of my car when I tried to drive away, in front of the Ubers when I tried to Uber away. In front of me, every few steps, for miles, when I tried to walk away. I fought with every ounce of tenacity and determination, but he just beat me fucking down with his stubborness. I fought with all of my might; he was just stronger.

So, I gave up. I tried leaving in other ways. Mostly doing a fuck ton of drugs. I became infatuated with another man. I didn't allow myself to seduce this man the way that I continuously fantasized about doing, but I did allow myself to fantasize about doing it. Fantasizing about this stranger was better than doing drugs, for a period of time. And then it wasn't. I accidentally fell in love. After that, it got real for me. And when it got real, it got moral, and when it got moral, it became torturous.

So then I would just do drugs to not only escape my husband, but also to escape the fantasy of another man that emerged as a method of escaping my husband. Escaping to escape my escaping, I realized, was the most fucked up prison. But I just needed to escape. I needed to check out. I could not leave my house, so I tried to leave my body and mind. I needed to leave my feelings, so I could not feel the grating harshness of my husband's voice, the misery of his ego, his infuriating gaze, his terrifying mania, my ever present fear of him, my yearning for freedom, and my longing for someone else who represented life to me. It hurt. It all hurt so bad, so I just did whatever drug that I could.

When I was prescribed opiods, I popped them like candy. I don't even know how I survived that, and honestly, I don't think my soul did. I'm just a husk. I don't know if I will ever get myself back. I feel so dead inside. I want to say I got better. I stopped doing drugs. But I never stopped hurting. It hurts so much,

I hope that someday I'll see myself wearing a nice suit with good posture and combed hair, talking about something cool that I did to help people ... or even just to help myself. I hope that my future self someday speaks to my present self, about how strong, smart, sneaky, and strategic I was in saving my own life and escaping this absolute hell of a life, with all hearts intact. Including my husband's, but especially my own ... if I still have one, that is.

I think I really need to save my own life, assuming it isn't already over.

[eristic-kaleidoscope]

Forget-me-not | Just Erika | Post Trial Reaction | Re: Rose, Ae-ra

“Wh, what? I’m not going to hurt you guys…”

Just Erika is frozen by everyone’s reaction. Looking at her with hatred and disgust, like she was some kind of monster.

On one hand, she doesn’t regret how she handled Lyrica at all. Even as they scream at her. Hey, hey, wasn’t it better she was killed by people who cared about her comfort, instead of in a fit of passion, or by someone who wanted to hurt her for their own gain? If they saw how afraid she was, the tears, the sobbing, wouldn’t they also want to hold her hand, reassure her fears, tell her you’ll take care of everything? To help her feel content, relax, and smile? She only said those things because she was scared. Erika knows fear makes you act irrational and makes you do things you regret, which is why she was the calm mind who could guide peoples hands when theirs shake and claw. It’s the right thing to do, isn’t it?

On the other hand… this is it. This is what she feared, loathed the most. Everyone yelling at her, seeing the worst in her, unintentionally hurting others when all she wants to do, all her precious little energy cares about, is making people smile? This is the worst case scenario, where the past she doesn’t remember is horrible, where the present she can control goes wrong.

And you know what?

It’s not that bad.

But her attention is on Rose, first and foremost.

“I… I’m sorry if I ever took advantage of you, Eri. I really am. I’m not being facetious, I don’t remember it at all, but I know I wouldn’t want to ever do anything to hurt you. I feel that with my whole heart. It’s… I understand you wanted to kill me, but I think the situation and the motive was just stressing you out, so while I don’t blame you, you could’ve just talked to me. I wanted to know. And I can handle difficult truths. Even if you told me you hated me, I would’ve been okay if I could just help you find peace and happiness. I wouldn'tve hurt you. I’m sorry, if things I’ve done in the past, made you think I would have, but at least right now, how I feel right now, I wouldn’t.”

She still has a hard time believing she’s killed people before. She would never! Right? Not… not unless it would be better or good for them. Because Erika can do the difficult decisions for the better. She knows death does not get to her like it does to others, and it makes her wiser, more capable and mature than the poor others. But that doesn’t mean she… she hurts people!

She still tries to listen, as confused as it makes her. She still trusts everything Rose says, even though she shouldn’t, no matter how many times Rose lies and lies and lies, erasing her memory, this and that, Erika believes in and loves Rose with her whole heart. Not for what Rose provides, because Erika does not care about covering up her own crimes or material things like that, but because she is Rose, and they are friends.

She turns to the rest of the group.

“If it makes you all feel better, I don’t mind being under a 24 hour watch. You could also go through all my stuff whenever you want. I would like everyone to feel as safe as possible, even if they disagree with what happened here.”

She’s infuriatingly calm and cooperative. Completely failing to connect ‘feeling safe’ and 'disagreeing to her murdering someone’.

“In general, if anyone has any reasonable request of me, whether it’s to avoid me or keep an eye on me, I am more than willing to oblige. I hope you will not attack me, as it will solve nothing, and I can do very little to defend myself.”

^.^

[itjazzbicch]

All That Matters

Pairing:  Dahausen x Fem Reader

Summary: The reader follows her fellow members of Team Taz, watching Hook's new partnership with Dahausen, but hiding the fact that she is actually attracted to him. During a night at the gym, Ricky, Hobbs and Hook find her journal, learning her true feelings about Danhausen and having emotions exploding everywhere...

Warnings: Bit of angst between Team Taz, Swearing (First time I ever wrote Danhausen, so I hope I did well!)

Requested by: @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch (I hope you enjoy it!)

Word Count: 1.4k

Tag List: @demonqueen29 @peachy-satan00 @new-zealand-chic   @crowleysqueenofhell @unoficialy-married-to-ace-austin @thatpanpal @damnnhausen @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch @linziland13 @xxx-jazz-xxx @writtingrose @whenimakeitshine1234 @cuzimacomedian

I DO NOT OWN THIS GIF: 

“I still can’t believe Hook is hanging out with that clown,” Ricky walked into the gym with disgust on his face, Hook standing next to Danhausen as he was doing ‘pull-ups’ and by pull-ups, I mean hanging by one arm, body twirling around slowly.”

“Clown?” I laughed while watching just to groan, “He’s the whole damn circus. A big ass joke.”

“You can say that again,” Hobbs followed, all of us putting our gym bags on the bench next to Hooks.

It was so hard not to laugh at Ricky and Hobbs’s faces when Danhausen, still hanging by an arm, waved over, smiling wide:

“Hookhausen is alone no more! Team Taz in full force, Danhausen loves to see it!”

I had to walk away, breathing hitched from holding my laugh, hearing Ricky mumbled:

“What the fuck is wrong with that man?”

I kept my distance from all the guys and started stretching, having a more unique workout compared to them. At one point I was so zoned out, upside down hanging from a bar, doing sit ups and startled when I heard next to me:

“Wow! Danhausen is impressed! That’s very impressive!”

Seeing that it was just Dahausen, I settled, stopping for a moment when I took the time to see how pretty his eyes actually were in the light, feeling a small smile starting to form, till I saw Ricky and Hobbs in the corner of my eye, looking in our direction.

All I did was nod, then went back to my sit ups, fighting that smile again and hearing Dahausen saying to Hook:

“Hookhausen should train with her! Look how impressive she is!”

There was tension all around me and I could feel its massive energy radiating from the guys, making me workout quicker with a racing heart. I was going to wrap it up after those sit ups, but I noticed them all going to the locker room and I needed to be away from them, so I went to the treadmill.

“Hey, we’re wrapping up,” Ricky scoffed, looking to me.

I had to have been going max speed, yelling to Ricky:

“Go then! I won’t be long!”

He walked off with an eye roll, finally having some peace to myself and having to run so hard, pushing myself, it made me focused on that solely and by the time I was done, I felt exhausted.

Popping out my airpods, I headed over to the bench to get my bag, but when I picked up my bag and opened it, it was all of Hooks stuff.

Hook accidentally took my bag instead of his. I instantly rushed into their locker room with Hook’s bag, saying quickly:

“Dude! Can’t you ever pay attention? You took my bag!”

Completely ignore what I said, Ricky alongside Hook and Hobbs, held up my journal, saying:

“What the fuck is this?”

My body went stiff when my heart dropped, staring at my journal and noticing where my bookmark was, Hobbs looking along and reading out:

“I even caught him without the face paint one day, so handsome, but I love that face of his regardless. Getting to see his tattoos was a woah too, being a sucker for guys with tattoos. He always makes me laugh and smile and it’s so hard to put on this show because of the guys and Taz. They would totally kill me if they knew that I liked him.”

“Are you talking about that fucking clown?” Ricky snapped, pointing back to the bathroom.

None of them turned around to look, but Danhausen actually took a step out of the bathroom, foot halfway out, but stopped and stood still, watching and observing the situation.

“You got one thing right, I’m ready to kill you for this!” Ricky was pissed, Hobbs also expressing:

“What happened to him being the whole damn circus and a joke, huh?”

I was on the verge of tears, going over to take back my journal, but Ricky held up it up high so I couldn’t reach it.

“We asked you a question, Y/N! Answer it!”

“It’s obvious how she feels,” Hook mumbled, glancing up to me then the journal.

Again, I didn’t answer, going to get my journal again just for Ricky to keep it away, snapping, “I’m not gonna sa-“

I was so infuriated that I slapped Ricky across the face, the smacking noise echoing in the room, all of them freezing while I snatched my journal back, throwing Hook’s bag in the corner like a football and taking mine.

“So, you all think it’s just okay to invade peoples privacy?!” I roared, feeling a throb in my neck that grew, “Learn how to mind your own fucking business!”

I stormed off, slamming the door shut hard and when I got outside, I realized that I rode with Ricky and Hobbs and there was no talking to them after I smacked Ricky like that. I went around the building, looking to the full moon, plopping down on a set of stairs and trying not to cry, but failed horribly.

Pissed off, upset, feeling a bit betrayed by them going through my things like they did; I just couldn’t believe it, wiping the tears away and looking up when I heard a soft voice:

“Is it okay if Dahausen joins you?”

Still in sweat pants and cape, he took the time to come check on me and there was no way I could reject him after all of that, nodding to him, keeping our gaze as he sat next to me softly.

There was a small silence that began to feel awkward and all of my feelings and thoughts were obvious now, going to speak but he said first:

“So, you actually like Danhausen?”

I wasn’t sure if he was nervous or just really needed to believe it; Either way, what was the point in lying or hiding anything?

“I do,” I whispered, looking down at my fidgeting hands, admitting, “I just- you’re really one of a kind. You’re always yourself, don’t care what people think, truly kind, and I can’t help but have this attraction towards you. I like you a lot actually.”

Leaning to my knees, I started to cry again, overloaded with emotion, but still listening when he leaned down along with me, expressing along with his hands:

“Danhausen knows how Starks and Hobbs can be, believe me, I’ve been wanting to curse them, BUT; Like you mentioned, I don’t care what people think of me. Maybe you should do the same.”

Reconnecting a gaze, I knew he meant that with his heart and good intentions, trying to help me in the best way he could, doing just that when he said quickly:

“Just do not ever smack Danhausen like you did Starks. Jaw still hurts watching, my goodness! Dahausen has never seen so much force in a slap before!”

I instantly started laughing when he rubbed his jaw at the same time, settling down and watching a pure smile grow on his face, placing his hand next to mine on the stairs.

“Is it okay if Dahausen tells you something?”

With a nod, I was watching his hand, heart beginning to race again when he took my hand carefully, soft in mine as they interlocked and he admitted to me:

“Dahausen likes you too. A lot.”

His smile was super contagious, all of that anger and sadness wiped away now knowing that we shared the same feelings, squeezing his hand and whispering:

“You sure? I know I’ve said some things and-“

“Oh those were lies,” He swatted his free hand in the air, squeezing my other hand back, “It was quite obvious you only did those kind of things in front of them.”

Man, he sure was observant, hitting that nail on the head, making me smile more:

“Never mind what they think. If Dahausen and Y/N are happy, that’s all that matters.”

For someone that people may have found goofy, weird, or plain crazy, he sure was smart and had a good way of thinking, keeping me smiling.

“Y/N agrees,” I giggled, hugging as he opened his arms up wide, then latched around with a little shake, keeping me snug and tight in his arms, a good hug that I needed.

“Y/N-Hausen, what do you think?” He suggested and when I nodded, his eyes lit up, “Ah! Marvelous!”

I went to speak on it, but was left speechless, having to lean his head down to press his lips into mine, not trying to just make me happy or anything, truly meaning it with his spirituous heart and did kiss back, a hot heat in my cheeks, obviously flustered when he pulled back with a small pop.

“Don’t worry, Y/N,” His arm wrapped around my shoulder, laying his head on top of mine, truly believing every word he said, hand waving up and past all the stars and moon, “We can take on the whole world if we have to.”

[georgiapeach30513]

A Losing Hand, Part 8

Summary: what have you got yourself into?

Pairings: Lloyd X Sunshine!Reader, Steve Kemp X Sunshine!Reader

Rating:  explicit

Warnings:   Explicit language, implied sexual content, misogyny, slut shaming, implied non con, mentions of killing children, 18+ ONLY

Word Count: 2.8K

Previous

Series Masterlist

*divider by @firefly-graphics​

Lloyd groans as he sits up in bed, looking over at your spent and bruised body before he cracks his knuckles. Blissed out and exhausted you don’t even feel him move out of the bed. Walking over to Medusa’s terrarium completely nude, before looking for your sweet baby.

“There ya are. I don’t know what she sees in you. Can’t trust a snake,” he busies himself to get dressed, laughing at the fact that you’re still asleep, despite his lack of trying to be quiet.

Laying on your stomach, and arms above your head. Your whole backside nearly exposed, before he opens the door, “Ah, Curtis, the Ghost, what do you prefer?”

Curtis’ icy eyes look over your body before back at Lloyd. “She’ll be fine. Just keep her out of my fucking business. When I want or need her psychotic ass, I’ll call, you’ll answer.”

“What did you do to her?” he asks when you still don’t move.

“No more than her sociopathic husband,” he cocks an eyebrow up at you, glancing over to Medusa. “Don’t ask, and I won’t tell you lies. He was busy, I took care of her. I know you’ve probably done more in your life as the Ghost. Had your hand in the Dealer’s pot, but your back in Diamond territory, and I’m King now, have I made myself clear?”

“Crystal.”

“Fuck her if you want. Just don’t fucking fall in love. She’s got claws that one,” he turns to leave, slamming the door behind him, and you only barely stir.

Curtis gives you a long hard look, gritting his teeth at the Diamond whore. Married to the Ace and sleeping with the King. If only you knew how Lloyd insulted you at every meeting.

He looks over your body, scaring all over you. Fresh and healed marks, and he can’t be sure if it’s from the two men you’ve aligned yourself with, or the fact that Lloyd sends you into a fight first.

No regard to yourself, as long as he stays safe. If you only knew that Lloyd was hoping that Steve would go in, and die himself. Becoming paranoid by the man with a strange urge and taste.

Curtis cups his chin, sitting in that nasty chair, usually meant for whoever was watching, but the watching the Ghost was doing is different.

Annoyed and glaring at your body. His eyes constantly looking at the clock just to see how long this will take. It’s a wonder you get anything done.

When you stir again, your eyes slightly flutter open, getting a blurred vision of the man in the chair. “Not this morning, Baby Bear, last night was plenty.”

Curtis clears his throat, and you jump up in the bed, pulling the covers around you. “Get dressed.”

“What are you doing in my room?”

“The King wanted someone to watch his whore. Here I am,” you snarl at that disgusting nickname. “What is it Sunshine? Only the King and Ace can degrade you?”

“You’ll watch who you’re talking to,” he steps closer to you, grabbing your chin, and turns your face to both sides, looking over your skin.

“Just as I thought. Bare. No marks. You’re nothing but a Diamond whore,” without thinking you slap him hard across the face, and he can only chuckle. “I thought you would know better. You’re aware of my family. Get dressed.”

Glaring at him, you get yourself out of the bed. Walking your naked body to the closet, as you get yourself dressed. Not missing how his eyes stay on you the entire time.

“I expect when I come here, that you’re ready for the day. There’s no need for you to be laying in bed and waiting on the King.”

Walking closer to him, you look up at those cold and distant eyes, and shake your head. “Sometimes, I don’t have the energy to wake up. I’m no use to Lloyd at meetings.”

“Maybe if you wouldn’t let two men use you, you might be able to wake at a decent hour.”

You roll your eyes and reach into the terrarium, Medusa already slithering her body to your waiting hand. “You would know all about using women wouldn’t you? Not all of us have the luxury to be born a man, and in high ranking. You were the highest, but like a coward, you vanished. Couldn’t even live up to your birthright. Coming back in the form of a legend. You can stand there and mock my need to be a concubine to the King, but they fear me. Even as Mrs. Kemp, they shake knowing my husband is around, and myself by default.”

You lift your pretty girl up to your face, and let her sniff around your cheek. “With them, I’m somebody. I have power most women in this suit could only dream of. They envy me.”

“They fear you.”

“Is that such a bad thing?” you click your tongue walking closer to Curtis. Your hand rubs up his chest, and Medusa slides over to him.

He doesn’t move, doesn’t say a word, as she moves over his broad shoulders, “She’s harmless really. Mild mannered. Her saliva is venomous, but rarely does she strike. Preferring to be left alone. Her sisters in the basement, are a different story. She likes you,” you offer him only a twinkle of a smile before holding your hand up, and letting Medusa come back to you.

“Why do you keep her in here?”

“She scares them. They don’t take the time to learn about her. Hearing only that she was venomous. It’s a not a lie. Lloyd is really distrusting of her. Calls her a little bitch, doesn’t he, mama,” walking back to her habitat, you gently place her back in.

“Control the fear, you control them. Don’t come into my bedroom, and try and make me feel inferior Ghost. I live in a man’s world, and I’m surviving. It might not be the life I wanted and hoped for, but it’s damn sure a better life than they wanted me to have. You have no idea what shit I have to put up with. What I have to do, to lay my head down at night.”

“And last night, it was Lloyd’s room,” Curtis rolls his eyes at you, starting to walk towards the door, but you cackle at him.

“This is my room.”

“And you share it with two men.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to understand.”

“Protected by a useless snake. Should they want you dead, they’ll do it. Maybe her basement sisters should come up here,” you scoff and walk past him. But he grabs at your arm, and that’s the first time he saw it. Jerking back away from him, your eyes bore holes into him.

“Don’t you fucking touch me. You have no right.”

“Seems like you’ll let just anyone touch you.”

“You self righteous son of a bitch, you have no clue! Do not tell me what I do or do not do. You’re the one that ran away,” Curtis growls at you, but doesn’t comment further. Following you as you walk out of the bedroom.

Lloyd lets out a disgruntled groan, slamming his fist down on his desk, leaving Steve to be annoyed at his childish outburst. Wondering just why he thinks he needs to be king when he acts like a spoiled brat.

“They’re getting married.”

“And you’re not invited, huh, your majesty?” Lloyd glances up to look at Steve who only smiles back. “What did you expect. You got dumb. You trusted her too much, and she screwed you over. The Baizen kid was screwed over. Her loyalty lies with Andy. Not the Spades. That whole corruption nonsense didn’t work out in your favor.”

“Would you shut your fucking mouth for five goddamn seconds. I wanted to make him weak, and he only becomes stronger. On fucking lockdown because of his precious Daisy. Not one of the Diamonds was invited. But we’ve got eyes and ears everywhere.”

Steve fakes out a yawn, and grabs a nail file off Lloyd’s desk, busying himself with his nails so he doesn’t have to listen to this same nonsense over and over again. “He said that Daisy has met the girl. They have tea parties together,” Lloyd rolls his eyes. “As soon as that fucking cunt becomes pregnant, Andy is lost.”

“Andy is a smart man. While he’s weakened by her, he’s smart. Too trusting, allowing all the suits but Diamonds to be represented at the wedding. It’s a bold move. He’s showing we’re not a solid unit.”

“The Dealer and Joker are well aware we’re not a unit,” Lloyd responds. “Total domination. That is our goal. Disband the suits, and have one king.”

“Why haven’t you done anything about the girl?” Steve asks rolling his eyes to look up at him.

Lloyd leans forward over the desk, “It’s never about the fucking girl. It’s about people knowing the lengths I’ll go for power. Her whore mother gone along with Drysdale, and who the fuck do you think is her father? How many more Diamonds do I have to weed out to prove that they’re not worth shit. Not to mention that cunt is no longer loyal to Nick. When do you think we spring that up? Watch his weapon chose another man?”

Steve leans back, and plops his feet on Lloyd’s desk, before he knocks them off. “So what is your plan, your highness?”

“Chaos. Clubs are falling, Hearts won’t be long, still can’t find their precious missing princess. My guess is she’s dead. Or was she ever even real? Spades is harder, until he produces an heir. Two children? We’ll have his life in the palm of our hands.”

“Kids? You’re willing to kill children? For what Daisy? Bucky’s loyalty?”

Lloyd slams his fist on the table. “For fucking power. To see Andy’s empire crumble.”

“I’m going to have some fun with my wife. Enjoy your paranoid thoughts,” standing up to leave he gives a final look at the crazed king. “You have all these fucking moles in these suits. And you’re so untrusting. What makes you think they’re not feeding you a bunch of fucking lies? You’re losing it Lloyd. Is it because he’s returned? He’s more rational thinking. You gonna blame his parents death on him forever? The players aren’t falling. Some still show loyalty to the Ghost. The Dealer already made Curtis his own personal sniper. Make sure to pay up, before the Dealer cleans house.”

Lloyd glares at the retreating figure of Steve, “Tell her join me when you’re finished or I’ll kill that fucking snake.”

“If I finish. Kill it. Reach your hand in there and let her venom course through your veins. You kill that thing, and my wife will let Aphrodite loose on you,” Lloyd grits his teeth staring at the man.

“You’ve had her enough. It’s time for her to come back home.”

“I want her to get in the Ghost’s head,” Steve cocks up an eyebrow and shakes his head no. “You tell her that cunt is available to the Ghost, too. It won’t be long until he needs to let off some steam. I want her in his head Steve. Why has he returned?”

“Why indeed.”

“Steve,” you whisper, backing away from him and onto the bed. “I don’t want to have this conversation.”

His hand presses on your stomach before he shoves you back on his bed. He stalks around the room a moment before releasing a deranged scream. His fists tight, before he turns his fury to you.

“Fucking married! They’re getting married, and you know what that means? You’re not doing your job. How many times does he have to fuck you, and he can’t fuck a baby in that cunt?”

“This is the dumbest, brain dead plan ever. He doesn’t want kids. He never fucking spills in me. He won’t be weakened by a child. He mocks Andy for his weakness, and you think you can force a pregnancy to control him? You’re a fucking idiot. He can’t be controlled.”

Steve lets out an irritated laugh and begins pacing around the room, “You remember why I spared your life. Why I keep you around?” your eyes glare daggers at him, while he pretends he doesn’t use you for his own pleasure. “Shove his cum in you. Hell, wrap those pretty legs around his waist and don’t let him leave. How fucking hard is it?”

You sit up in the bed, looking his body up and down, before a menacing laugh escapes your lips.

“Too bad you can’t do the job,” you hear his growl, and know you should stop, but you don’t. “Poor little Stevie. Making plans about a pregnancy, when he can’t deliver. Not even listening to a word I say about Lloyd not caring, but no. Let’s make my body suffer for your need to overthrow him,” rounding back he backhands you across the face. And you sit stoically looking up at him.

“Your psychotic bed toy has overstayed his welcome. You protecting him now, Sunshine? Get him to fucking cum in that cunt.”

“It won’t work. Come up with a different plan,” he rushes over to you and shoves you on the bed, already ripping your clothes off.

“What I say goes, you little bitch. You owe me your fucking skin. Your life is in my hands,” your body goes limp and pliant for him, and he only chuckles in your ear.

“That’s what I thought. You know who fucking owns you.”

Sitting up in the bed, you look at your disgusting ‘husband’ playing this game just for survival is getting tiresome. You know there’s other places for you to go for sanctuary. But there’s an addictive quality here.

Seeing people fear you, envy you, wish they had the power you did, held promise over your head.

Grabbing a robe, you take a look down at your ring on your finger before heading off into the kitchen for a drink.

Lost in your own thoughts of the options that you have, you don’t notice the figure standing in the shadows. His cold eyes watch you drink from your glass while fiddling with that ring, remembering a happier time.

Sitting down at the bar, you release a deep sigh. Massaging your neck, when you finally see him. “Don’t pity me, Ghost,” your voice empty of emotions when he steps up to you. “I told you before, we weren’t all born into status.”

“Were we not?” he asks walking closer to you. He stops right next to your body, but doesn’t say a word. Just listening to your ragged breathing.

He takes a long look at your ring, before he cracks his neck, “Not all of us become a slave to the power. I hope it’s worth it,” he grunts out, spitting on the bar beside your hand before returning to his bedroom.

You take a glance at the spot he soiled. Your emotions finally coming out to get the best of you. Your body trembling as the tears well up inside of you. Letting out a deep guttural scream, you throw your glass and listen as it shatters into a million pieces.

Giving yourself one more moment of self loathing before slapping the counter. You go into the nearest bathroom looking at yourself in the mirror, and barely recognize the woman that stares back at you. At one time you were happy and carefree. And now everyday is like a new nightmare, living it day to day.

Splashing your face with water, you wipe at your blotchy skin. “Suck it up,” you whisper to yourself before slowly drifting to your room.

You know leaving Steve will piss him off, but right now you just want to be left alone. Getting into your room, you see your pretty girl. “Hey mama,” she only comes to the edge of the glass for you. “You’re not the only one trapped are you.”

“Sunshine?”

Your eyes flutter closed slowly. Realizing your charade has not ended for the day. You turn around to give him the biggest smile you can. “Baby Bear,” you coo at him before walking to your bed.

“I knew you couldn’t stay away from me,” Lloyd responds before lifting the covers up.

“Just…” you wonder if this will offset another fight. Neither you or your body are ready for that. “How about I just hold you, Baby Bear?”

Lloyd flops over to his side, and you cozy on up to him. Pressing meaningless kisses on his back.

“Tonight, I’ll let you hold me. Tomorrow, we have a long discussion.”

“Whatever you need,” it’s always what someone else needs. You have to remind yourself that him and Steve will soon kill each other. And all you’ll have to worry about is him. The Ghost. Curtis. Everett.

Next

Masterlist

[wri0thesley]

Nat. NAT. I just saw your concept about naoya "training" his wife by just throwing her in the room and just watching her struggle to defend herself... Until she ofc breaks and begs him to protect her🙈 you have a MASSIVE brain, the biggest and horniest brain nat can you please write this concept for the event😭😭 maybe w 45 and any other dark or spicy add ons that you see fit!

traditional discipline - naoya x fem!reader (3.3k)

naoya has had enough of you, and resorts to an unusual method of discipline.

warnings: not sfw/minors dni. DARK CONTENT. unhealthy relationship/marriage. fearplay, dacryphilia, finger-sucking, cock-sucking, punishment, threat of violence and death. dubious consent. afab reader with fem pronouns. 

[a/n: this concept literally wouldn’t leave me alone. i’m sorry to all of the readers who are naoya’s wife i’m always so horrible to them]

The room goes quiet as Naoya hauls you out of it by your upper arm.

It’s an easy mistake, a simple slip-up; accidentally talking over your husband. But it’s one in a slew you’ve been making recently, despite Naoya thinking that you were polite and well-bred and knew your place. He’s sick of it, to be quite frank; he doesn’t have time to be correcting you when you should already know how to behave.

You’ve done accidental, small things since the two of you were married. Denying him when he rolled you onto your back at night. Not standing quite as far behind him as you should. Pouring tea for other people before him. He’s given you swift reprimand with both his words and his hands, but . . . it’s clearly not sinking into your pretty little head, is it?

He warned you about this.

“Next time,” he’d growled to you, when you’d laughed too loud at a joke that one of his brothers had made and not laughed at one of his, “I’m going to teach you a real lesson.”

He tells you about the ‘training and discipline room’ on the Zenin estate later that night. A room that the family use for honing cursed techniques, both for practising and for learning purposes, when someone needs to be brought down a peg or two. It’s full of cursed spirits – all the way up to grade two, which makes your blood run cold.

Of course, you have cursed energy. You even have a careful little technique; one that would wrap your enemies up in vines, if you’d ever been allowed to train to use it for anything other than keeping your well-appointed garden neat and orderly. Naoya would not have married someone without either of those things, lest they not bear him fruitful children--

But you have never been allowed to use it for anything more.

The women of your clan are pretty decoration, with no need to learn anything other than how to behave and how to please their masters-and-husbands. You would be useless, thrown into the den of the wolves like that.

“Please don’t,” you’d said to him, your voice all soft and gentle, trying to be appeasing. “Please. I promise I’ll try harder.”

Naoya had taken your chin between thumb and forefinger, the grin across his face very sharp as his light eyes took in the pleading in your own gaze. You remember how the light had hit his earrings, the look of satisfaction at your begging and having you utterly and completely under his thumb.

“Be good,” he’d breathed, all slow and drawling. “And I won’t have to, will I?”

And he’d bid you to get on your knees for him and show you just how good you could be. Starting with your mouth.

So you know where he’s dragging you, down the labyrinthine halls of the estate. You try and pull back, feet sliding on the tatami mat, your voice pitching as you say;

“Naoya, please, I’m sorry--”

“Women should be seen and not heard,” he says to you. “Don’t make a fuss like that. You earned this.”

Your eyes are filling with tears, hot fear clawing its way up your throat.

“I’ll do anything,” you say to him, despite knowing that it’s a dangerous bargain to give him. He almost considers it for a moment, pausing – but then, his fingers just dig harder into the softness of your bicep (you’re going to bruise), and he tugs you.

“You’re making a scene,” he says. “If you don’t stop, I’ll leave you in there even longer.” You try to wrench your arm out of his grip, all of your self-defense mechanisms going into overdrive as you recognise the door he’s leading to you too. You’re breathless, so frightened you think that your heart might stop.

Naoya opens the door and pulls you in. You almost stumble at the flight of stairs, but he clicks his tongue at you in annoyance.

“So clumsy,” he drawls. “And here I was, under the impression I was marrying a graceful, lovely, credit to her family--” More steps, until he’s gotten you in the middle of the floor. He gazes around him, and you hear the low hum of a hundred cursed spirit’s voices murmuring the same things, over and over again. “The only time you’re a credit to them is with your legs spread.”

“Naoya,” you whimper, torn between pushing yourself into him for the comfort and protection that you know he can offer, or trying to tear away from him and escape the room yourself. You know the second option won’t work – he’s far faster, far stronger than you – but it’s hard to think of anything when you feel like your very survival is teetering impossibly over your head.

“If you run,” he says, still in that cold, uninterested drawl, “I’ll break one of your ankles.”

You don’t think he’s bluffing. Naoya says a lot of things, yes – but he’s also reckless and proud enough to mean them. You stand there, next to him, feeling yourself begin to tremble.

“W-why aren’t they attacking yet?” You ask him, voice very small. He looks at you pityingly.

“They’re afraid of me, obviously,” he says to you, very slowly, like he’s explaining it to somebody very stupid. “I didn’t get this good at everything by not training myself, darling.” He lets go of you, finally, a whistle escaping his pursed mouth as he rocks on the balls of his feet. He’s supremely unconcerned by your fear. “When I’m gone, they’ll come out for you.”

Your eyes fill with tears.

“What am I supposed to do?” You ask him, desperation leaking into your cracked voice. “I can’t—I can’t protect myself--”

Naoya narrows his eyes.

“You should have thought about that before you were such a pain,” he replies. And, without further ado, he turns around and begins to ascend the stairs again. You turn with him, moving forward, stumbling in your haste and ending up sprawled at the bottom of the stairs with your hand pathetically fisted into the hem of his hakama.

He looks down at you with a disgusted sneer on his face, and you hate that even with that expression his features are still unmistakably handsome.

“Let go,” he says. “Have some dignity.”

“Please,” you repeat. You can feel a fat tear spilling from the corner of your eye down the curve of your cheeks. You know the ‘dignity’ statement is a dig; the fact that you’ve heard his family members calling your clan power-hungry undignified gold-digging whores, but you can’t bring yourself to care when you can see the beginning of shadows spilling out too far into the main floor of the room. “Naoya. Please.”

He kicks out at your wrist, face twisted in distaste, and you let go to avoid it being stood on and crushed under his strength. You cradle it against your chest, looking up at him still all desperate and afraid.

“If I helped,” he said to you, “you’d never learn your lesson.” He takes a step up and turns away completely from you, as if you’re nothing more than an ignored child on the street. “It will be good for you, beloved wife. Character-building.” You hear the smirk in his voice and you hate him.

You want to strangle him. You want to beg him to protect you. You want to tear him limb from limb, but you want him to let you bury your head in his chest as he dispels the spirits with ease. You want--

The door slams shut behind him. He’s too cheerful as he throws behind him;

“Good luck!”

And you are left alone.

It takes a moment before anything slithers out from the shadows, and you clap your hand over your mouth to stop yourself screaming. The first cursed spirit is a hunched over creature with the face of a Pierrot clown, mouth stretched impossibly wide with gaping black abyss where eyes ought to be. It’s whispering something over and over to itself, but the wide mouth is so crowded with teeth that it comes out as an incomprehensible noise, dripping drool as it begins to move horrifically slowly towards you.

Oh, God. You’re not supposed to look at them, are you? You dimly recall something about many sorcerers wearing glasses so the creatures can’t tell where their gazes are, but this one has already got the scent of you; those dark pits staring at your crumpled form.

Everything you’ve ever been told in passing about jujutsu and cursed spirits and cursed technique just seems to flow out of your mind to be replaced by mind-numbing fear. You’ve not been trained for this; when your clan had arranged your marriage with Naoya, you know that they’d expected fine silken kimonos and traditional food and you being a pretty trophy on the arm of the future leader of their clan. You know they’d be horrified if they saw what was happening.

More of them are melting from the shadows, the whispering and moaning reaching a terrifying crescendo. You’re trembling. Your heart is beating so fast inside of your chest you think it might break free of your ribcage and sputter out onto the floor.

The Pierrot monster is close enough that you can see the six hands it drags on the floor are all tipped with claws that are sharp as blades. You scramble up the stairs on your ass, too afraid to turn your back on the creatures. You realise you’re shouting, but it seems just as blurred as anything that the cursed spirits are saying. You’re crying, too – howling, whimpering, so scared you’re surprised any noise is able to come out at all.

You’re going to die.

It hits you with cruel certainty as you reach the top and throw your weight at the door, only for it to not give an inch. You scramble at the heavy wood, not caring about your careful manicure (Naoya wants you to be a credit to him, and that means manicures and facial treatments and a fancy bathroom full of soaps and creams that he expects you to use and that he slathers, too, on himself). You hear a nail break but you can’t bring yourself to worry about that when the Pierrot monster is dragging itself up the flight of stairs, one step at a time. It makes a hideous sliding thump, like it’s both wet and heavy – and you notice, too, the scent of blood invading your senses.

Your tear-blurred eyes can see all of the other monsters, too – not quite as close, but still too close for comfort. Too many eyes and not enough eyes, too many legs, claws and teeth and misshapen bones and blood leaking from holes. What are you supposed to do?

Naoya has left you here, alone, to teach you a lesson. You hadn’t realised the lesson would culminate in your death, but with all of the spirits so close to you, you cannot see any other way.

All of the fight goes out of you and you sag against the door, a broken sob escaping your lips. Your throat is dry from hoarse screaming.

You are going to die. You hope it will come quick; you hope the Pierrot monster will tear you limb from limb and you’ll die in instants from the shock. Your voice whispers Naoya’s name one last, hopeless time.

Will he find another wife? Will they even bother covering up your death, or will they spin some rumour or lie to your family and the whole of jujutsu society that you brought it upon yourself?

You would do anything to be rescued right now. You would crawl on your hands and knees behind Naoya for the rest of your life, refer to him only as ‘Master’, fulfil every single thing he ever asked you with no more than a meek nod of your head. Pull out your tongue so you couldn’t make any more mistakes.

But the time for pleading seems to have gone entirely, and you are useless and stupid and weak as you run out of tears, eyes burning. All you can do, you think, is wait for death.

The door swings open behind you and you’re dragged backwards, onto tatami, by powerful hands gripping your shoulders as it closes once more with a massive clunk that echoes in your ears--

And you find yourself strewn out on the floor, face caked with dried tear-tracks, a trembling, pathetic mess looking up at your husband’s face.

He leans against the door, listening to you scream. He can hear his name mixed in with sobs and screams and pleading; saying that you’ll do anything, you’re sorry, you’ll never disobey him again you’ll take any punishment he metes out with a smile on your face, if he just helps you. He hears you call yourself weak and pathetic and useless around the tears clogging your throat; he hears the thump of you hitting the door and the sound of your nails scratching down the wood, uncaring of anything other than getting away from them.

Yes, he thinks as he opens the door for you and you fall, shivering and sobbing, in front of him. Yes, he thinks you’ve learnt your lesson.

You’re so pretty, he thinks, closing it once more (he sees the cursed spirits begin to creep back to where they came from at the very sight of him, now their preferred victim is protected), with your eyes all glassy and wet. You’re extra pretty looking at him like he’s a conquering hero who’s saved you from certain death – which he supposes he is.

You cling to his arm, pulling yourself up, burying your face in his chest as your hands cling to him like you’ve been lost and he’s the first familiar thing you’ve seen in months. Your tears soak his kimono, but . . . he finds himself not really minding, as big, lean hands pet you gently on the back.

“It’s alright now,” he soothes you, murmuring low. “Your husband has you.”

“Please, please, ‘m so sorry--” You’re mumbling into him, whimpering, your shoulders shaking. “Please never m-make me, again--”

“Shhh,” he continues, gently beginning to move towards his chambers. You cling to him, adrift in a sea of your own fears. “It’s better now. You’ll be better now, won’t you?”

He receives a fierce nod for that, your fingers twisting into his clothing. It’s nice, having you so wrapped around him; seeing him as the strong protector that he knows he is but you needed reminding of. You’re still mewling little pleas into him even as he unlocks the door to his bedroom and gently pushes you in. Letting go of him even for a moment seems to cause you physical pain--

Good. You should feel like that. You should feel incomplete without him at your side. Naoya rewards you with a rare, soft smile.

“You know why you had to be punished like that, don’t you?” He purrs to you, petting your hair and carefully drawing back so he can look at your face. Your lips are all swollen from crying and biting; he thinks you’ve never looked quite so kissable as you do right now.

“Yes,” you nod, fiercely. “I’m sorry. I’ll do a-anything, I promise. I . . .” You swallow, your eyes filling with tears again. Naoya has been hard since the moment he heard you call out his name from inside the training room, your voice filled with choked tears, and watching them well up again does nothing for the stricture against the fabric. “I needed you.”

“And I saved you,” he says, arching an elegant brow – to which you nod again, and your hands drift towards him like you’re aimless without him in front of you to serve. “I’ll protect you, darling, as long as you learn your place.”

“I will!” That’s said with such conviction that he can’t help the smirk that tugs at the corner of his mouth. “I will. N-Naoya . . .” Your voice trembles a little. “’m willing to do anything for you. J-just please . . . not again.”

“Shh,” he reaches out and deigns to touch you, to gently and soothingly rub his thumb over your cheek, where the tears have dried. “If you’re really going to be so good for me, I won’t have to, will I?” You stumble forward onto your knees and Naoya’s brows shoot up in surprise as your hands tug at his hakama.

“Please let me show you how grateful I am,” you whisper, your eyes wide and bright and desperate. “Naoya, please, please, please--”

Oh, there’s something so gratifying about you like this, begging to suck his cock. It stirs between his thighs again, reminding him that he’s painfully stiff; and you are here, a willing mouth, scared out of your skull and desperate to please him. He’s smirking at you but you do not register it as such; all you see is the smile of your rescuer.

Your protector.

Your husband.

“Say what you want to do to me, darling,” he tells you, keeping his voice as sweet as he can make it. “You’re a big girl. You can use your words. What do you want to do, to show me how grateful you are that I saved your paltry life?”

You’re pouting; your mouth is sweet, pretty. He wants to pry your jaw open and fuck the back of your throat, and his body roars as your fingers tug on the hakama again and your meek, soft voice whispers;

“Please let me suck your cock.”

“You have a dirty mouth,” he coos to you, leaning forward to brush a finger over your lower lip. “Not befitting of a woman of your station. I suppose that means that it’s up to me to keep you quiet, hmm?”

You obediently open it, letting his finger gently rest on your tongue for a moment.

Desperate to please, your mouth closes about it, your tongue gently swiping over the pad, your cheeks hollowing a little as you suck on the digit inside of them. Naoya’s smiling again, the victorious grin of someone who’s gotten exactly what they wanted. He pulls his finger out and thrusts back in with two, whispering to you;

“Do you think you deserve my cock, after what you put me through today?”

You shake your head, but you don’t stop lavishing attention on the fingers in your mouth, a string of drool falling from the corner of your mouth as he presses his third finger inside of it. So warm, and wet. He needs his cock to be inside of you or he thinks he may embarrass himself.

The fingers are pulled out, wiped on the hakama fabric, before he says (the carefully adopted tone almost disinterested);

“Take them off, then. Don’t make your promises empty words. I wouldn’t appreciate such thoughtlessness in a wife.”

You’re eager, stripping off his clothes. Your mouth practically waters at the sight of his cock; elegant, flushed, hard and straining with a light upwards curve that he knows will hit you in the right place at the back of your throat to make you gag.

“Wait,” he says, as you lean in to bring him to your lips. “What do you say, darling?”

Your eyes (still brimming with tears, he notices – and fuck, he loves how you look teary-eyed and pouting. He has to make you cry more often) meet his, but the look in yours is worshipful so he doesn’t chide you for having the insolence to meet his gaze directly.

“Thank you,” you breathe. “For saving me. For letting me suck your cock. For everything.”

Naoya is smiling.

“Good girl,” he says, placidly, as you place a delicate kiss on the head of his cock and slowly envelope it in the warmth of your mouth. “Very good.”