#but this proves that she really will use any means necessary to accomplish her goal

[emmaspolaroid]

I have the capacity to be normal about it. But I won’t.

[soranis-sunshadow]

Why it’s not ok to compare Wrong Hordak to his defective brother.

It doesn’t sit right to me when someone pits two abuse victims against each other based on their coping mechanisms because their circumstances are never the same.

Wrong Hordak was immediately adopted by people who slowly de-indoctrinated him and offered him a supportive environment for all of that growth and healing to happen. When the BF squad kidnapped him, he was ardent about his service to Prime and he only followed them because they deceived him in believing they were servants of Prime.

By providing clear irrefutable evidence of Prime’s fallibility, deceit and the squad’s moral support throughout this moral crisis, they were able to wean him off of his programmed behavior and offer him a new onlook and an informed choice.

Hordak was a defective clone that was sent to die on the battlefield, in essence he was abandoned by his maker for being worthless and deflective. This is why his own disability is such a source of crippling shame and self-loathing, it made him unlovable in Prime’s eye, the person he was literally programmed to worship, love and blindly obey.

For all intents and purposes, Prime is the horde clones’ God. He appears to be all-powerful, omniscient, omnipresent and he is their literal creator. Through doctrine, clones are taught that all creatures are beneath Prime, only His light and His love is relevant. (Prime is that much of a narcissistic monster)

 Even while stranded on an alien planet, cut off from his Maker, it makes sense for him to prove his worth through the only means that he was ever taught (worship and conquest), perhaps, that way, he may repent for his failure of being created defective.

It makes sense for him, a brainwashed cultist, alone and stranded on a strange and hostile world to try and bring it into Prime’s light. He didn’t know that he could have been free of Prime if he chose to integrate with the natives. Every time he detected Light Hopes’s portals on the surface of the planet, he went to investigate, hoping Prime had come for him. That is how he found Adora after all.

Of course Hordak was brutal, brutality was all he had ever been shown. Of course he conquered in Prime’s name, that is why he was created. Of course he condoned the training of children to become soldiers once they reach maturity, that is how he was made after all, he didn’t know any better.

It's important to note that before Entrapta, Hordak is essentially a recluse. He hides away in his laboratory and he doesn’t directly interact with most of his underlings who avoid him. In many of his appearances he clings to the shadows or is only shown on a monitor. 

Instead of proving his worth to Prime, he seemingly fails at all of the (impossible) tasks he had set himself to accomplish in gaining his God’s favor: He doesn’t conquer the planet (it’s a whole damn planet), he can’t treat his defect (it’s gotten to the point that he’s an emaciated sickly wreck dealing with crippling chronic pain and is immobile without his prosthetic armor), his attempts at making a new body for himself have failed (he is defective, any clone made from his genetic code would also be defective) and he can’t even open a portal to go home (the planet’s magic does not allow an exit from the different dimension it is in). After decades of failure after failure, that he blames himself for, he has grown bitter and hopeless.

That is why Entrapta and her message is so important to him. She teaches Hordak that he has inherent worth as an individual. His imperfections do not mark him as something lesser, to be discarded, to her, he can be beautiful just the way he is. This is when he starts considering  to stall the portal project, a project that has been his purpose for years, and considers staying on Etheria with her. "There was even a time you wished I would not come for you." - Prime

When he is told by Catra that Entrapta "betrayed” him, he doesn’t want to believe it at first but his own self-loathing plays a huge part in why he buys the lie. He is after all a defective and worthless failure. Catra’s lie is so much more plausible than anyone ever finding worth in him. As such he comes to reason that another person he has dared to get attached to has abandoned him.

Whereas Catra believes that everyone leaves her, when really she pushes them away, Hordak genuinely has had everyone important in his life "leave" him, as far as he knows. This is why we see Hordak in his most evil during season 4 when he has the arm cannon and he is sacking Salineas. He's completely fueled by insecurity and loss, he has something to prove again, to Entrapta and to Prime. He was eager to face her and show her, on the battlefield, that he can be worth something (affection).

When Double Trouble reveals that Entrapta was sent to Beast Island, Hordak believed she is likely dead after so long. He thinks his gullibility has cost Entrapta her life, another failure to add to the long list of sins.

When he is teleported on Prime’s ship, he is terrified of him. He tries to appease Prime in whatever way possible. His body language, his meek, scared tone of voice, and the terrified expression on his face coupled with the fact that he is literally shaking in fear convey the fact that Hordak himself knows he will not be shown mercy. In order to adapt to Etheria and further his goals, he had committed unforgivable blasphemy, he had taken a name and shown initiative. Prime violates his mind and erases him.

It comes as no surprise that once his memories of Etheria resurface because of Catra’s presence, memories of abject failure, of loneliness, of grief and of betrayal, he submits himself to erasure once again. (in season 4 he had actually let Catra in, he trusted her, they had started a tenuous friendship that weirdly enough went both ways. She too was glad to see a “friendly face”)

Once he finds the crystal Entrapta gave him, he starts remembering her. Her memory is so dear to him that he actively tries to hold on to whatever fragments of her he can hold on. He even hides this from Prime (his only lie in the whole show).

In the final confrontation, while still linked to the hive mind and in the presence of his god, he chooses Entrapta, not because Prime was proven to be wrong or evil or fallible but because Entrapta found worth in Hordak despite his imperfections. He goes against his creator still believing that Prime is all-powerful, omniscient, omnipresent because he cared for Entrapta that much.

This is why Hordak's defiance against Horde Prime has so much impact, at least for me personally. Hordak is a character who never really got a choice up to this point. Arguably, it was less a decision and more of a last resort to protect Entrapta in whatever way he could. And even this choice was a zero sum equation. He either killed the one person that has ever shown him unconditional kindness or he turned against his God. It was a loss either way. The inescapability of Prime and the magnitude of his control over his clones is underlined by his possession of Hordak after he had declared his individuality and tried to kill him. In the deleted extended scene, Hordak himself is horrified at the fact that he had shot his Brother. His conditioning and indoctrination is still there. He never learned that Prime is a narcissistic monster and that he used his little brothers as chattel and had been consistently lied to.  He just wanted not to hurt Entrapta, this one choice is his first step towards individuality and freedom. This is the first time he actually exerts his own will and not Prime’s. He’s even making this obvious by saying "I am Hordak." I am someone, I exist.

I think Hordak is actually one of the best written characters in the show, and not because he's a sympathetic villain, but because he is very realistic to how a lot of children that experience neglect or other forms of parental abuse behave as they grow up. They only know anger and rage, never being shown love because they hide themselves in the shadows. Only when someone breaks down those walls can that person begin to heal.

Hordak and Wrong Hordak may be identical clones but their circumstances are anything but and it is wrong to pit them against each other. They are both victims of severe abuse. The comparison is not a fair one since one of them had all the means necessary to break conditioning while the other had all the circumstances necessary to enforce it. Despite what Hordak has done, he deserves to live and he deserves a chance to rebuild what he has destroyed in Prime’s name. Some of his victims may never forgive him, that is their choice. Nobody should have to forgive him. That is not how forgiveness works.  Etheria’s justice system is focused on rehabilitation, not on punitive vengeance.  Hordak too deserves a chance to heal after all that has been inflicted on him from the moment he was created. He deserves a chance at redemption.

I am open to more discussions on the subject if anyone is willing.

[swimyghost]

Roses

Hey, I’m super tired but here’s a (possibly) non-canon story about @self-insert-nonsense‘s MHA OC’s mother, Sonaka. I really hope you enjoy.

---

She had double- no, triple checked everything. Every important item was wrapped and placed carefully into one of the two suitcases the sat on her bed. Sonaka knew if she carried any more people would get suspicious.

As if a gray-skinned woman and her equally pale child wouldn't arise suspicion.

"Mama?"

Sonaka perked up at that sound. She turned her head and saw her little girl innocently glancing up at her. Although she was visibly struggling to carry her suitcase, Sonaka's pride and joy wasn't going to let a minor inconvenience get in the way of impressing her mother. Sonaka bent down to her daughter's level.

"Nusuma, are you sure everything is packed?"

"Yes, Mama!" 

Sonaka frowned. "Are you sure? We can't come back once we leave."

Sonaka watched as Nusuma's face scrunched up into as close to serious as a six-year-old could get. "I'm sure!"

Sonaka chuckled and ruffled her hair. "Alright, let's get moving, shall we? The train will-"

A knock at the door set Sonaka into a panic. No one knocked on her door unless it was... Them.

Sonaka frantically shoved her suitcases under her bed before thrusting Nusuma out, slamming the door shut behind her. Nusuma watched with a curious gaze as her mother paced her newly barren apartment. 

"Mama?" She called, growing weary at the sight of her mother's panic.

"M-Mama's fine, honey. Mama just-"

The knocking grew louder. Nusuma whimpered and buried her face into her mother's brown skirt. The suitcase fell from her grasp with a resounding thud. Without a second to spare, Sonaka tossed it onto her bed's stripped bed and closed that door as well. Sonaka pulled her daughter in close.

"Honey, you can't tell anyone we're leaving. Understand?" she whispered.

"But... You said lying is wrong." 

"I know, but this is to keep you safe, okay? You know Mama just wants to keep you safe, right?" Sonaka prayed her daughter wouldn't ask any more questions.

"Okay..." Nusuma murmured back.

With a deep breath, Sonaka made the treacherous journey to her front door. She took an even deep breath once she made it. Shakily, she swung it open and was met with four pairs of glowing red eyes. 

A tall figure with luscious purple hair that fell to her waist stood at Sonaka's doorstep. Her eyes were constantly shifting, yet all eight of them held an aura of concern. Her hands (if you could even call them that) were two thick pieces of carapace with their "fingers" just being individual pieces of the shell. 

"Joro." Sonaka let out a sigh of relief.

"Auntie Tsuchigumo!" Nusuma cried with joy.

The young woman scooped up the child and tickled her stomach. While Nusuma laughed and giggled at the touch, Joro cooed. "How's my favorite ghost? Huh? How is she?"

"Great! Me and Mama are gonna stay home all day!"

Sonaka winced. She loved her daughter, honestly. 

But she's a horrible liar.

Joro easily saw through Nusuma's lies. Her red eyes showed everything Sonaka to know.

"Honey, can you go to your room and play with your toys?" Sonaka said, taking her daughter from the spider woman's grasp.

Nusuma looked up confused. "But-"

"Now, Nusuma."

Sonaka placed her on the floor. Nusuma didn't even look back as she scurried to her room and closed the door behind her. Sonaka turned her attention back to Joro who was taking in the apartment. She crossed her arms and glanced at Sonaka. Not with anger, but with clear pain.

"You're leaving, aren't you?"

Sonaka couldn't even try to deny her friend. The lifeless apartment was all the proof she needed. The to-bursting bookshelves had been stripped of their occupants. The vases that held the most beautiful array of flowers had been sold and the flowers buried under a mountain of trash. All the pictures that had ordained the walls had been removed from their frames, which also had been tossed, and placed in the suitcases. The same suitcases that were at the forefront of Sonaka's mind.

Sonaka couldn't hold it anymore. Without asking, she rushed over to her friend and buried her face into her purple sweater. Tears flowed freely at the same time as her sobs. Sonaka tried to speak, but her throat was closed. Each sob was wracked with grief. Joro, instead of pushing her away, pulled her in closer.

"It's okay, I already knew."

Her friend didn't seem phased by her words so Joro just chose to gently stroke her head. Sonaka was too busy thinking about all the wrongs that she had caused throughout her life. The same wrongs that could easily affect Nusuma.

"I can't let her get hurt, Joro. I can't. This life of villainy and evil isn't for her." Sonaka sputtered.

"We're not-"

"Don't try to say we're not because we are!" Sonaka shouted.

Joro blinked. She didn't even flinch at her friend's anger. Instead, all she did was stand Sonaka up straight. Joro forced her to look into her eyes.

"We're villains, yes. We weren't evil, however, not until he took over."

Joro was talking about Bladespinner, the current king of their villain syndicate and a powerful mutant Quirk bearer. After the previous leader stepped down, Bladespinner naturally took the position unopposed, with people either unwilling or too frightened to fight him. His saw arms were infamous for slicing through objects and people alike. He was one of the many reasons Sonaka couldn't live the life anymore. 

"He'll kill her, Joro," Sonaka said, fear seeping into her voice. "Maybe not personally, but he'd send her into Hell if it meant fulfilling his twisted goals."

"I know. And that's why I'm here to help."

Sonaka was shocked. Yes, Joro and her were friends for years now, long before Nusuma came into her life. But Joro was completely submerged in the life of villains. Joro noticed her surprised and raised one carapace finger.

"I'm not going to be joining you. I will help you out of the country, however."

Sonaka blinked. "Wha- I was just going to go North!"

Joro let out a sad chuckle. "You really think it'll be that easy? Bladespinner will be furious when he discovers one of his one deserted. No, you need to go away. Far away."

Sonaka's brain was still spinning with the realization of it all. This was happening. This was really happening. "But... Where will I go."

Joro thought about it for a moment. "Korea. There's a former villain there that specializes in forgery. She'll help you get all the necessary paperwork. Tell her that Tsuchigumo-hubae sent you and she won't ask any questions."

"Korea?" Sonaka repeated. "But I don't speak-"

"Do you want a better life for Nusuma or not?!"

Sonaka flinched at Joro's tone. She knew the villainess was right, but it still hurt to know she was leaving everything behind. Joro gripped both of Sonaka's shoulders and squeezed tightly.

"Do this not just for her, but for you. You deserve a real job, real life, a real man who isn't-"

"Don't you dare mention his name! I don't care wherever he ran off to or whatever he does, whether it be picking turnips in Russian or being a stripper in the States, he's more than dead to me."

Joro raised her hands. "Fine, I won't say it. But you should tell Nusuma when both of you are ready."

The mother sighed but nodded anyway. There would be a time Nusuma would learn about her father, but today was not that day. Suddenly, Sonaka realized something. 

"You wouldn't come here just to help me. I know you better than that."

Joro's tough demeanor fell she awkwardly rubbed the back of her neck. "Bladespinner requires us to come to fight with him."

Sonaka snorted. "Can't he do it himself?"

Joro shook her head. "It's not that simple. A bunch of his lesser lackeys wanted to prove themselves to him so they started attacking the city."

"This includes us why?"

"Bladespinner was just going to let them captured but realized only one hero and his interns showed up to the fight. He thinks we can make a name for ourselves if we cause some real damage."

Sonaka frowned. "I just told you I wanted to leave the life. You told me you'd help me accomplish that goal. Now you want me to throw it all away just because some hotheaded dumbass wants to stroke his ego?"

"It won't only help him support his superiority complex," Joro explained. "It'll also keep him distracted on his victory, giving us enough time to help you two escape."

Sonaka knew Joro was right. Bladespinner was not only a ruthless demon-like man but an egomaniac who lived to support his delusions of grandeur. If this battle was a success, he'd be too busy basking in the light of "his" glory to notice one of his minions had gone missing.

But what about Nusuma?

Nusuma, her pride, and joy, the reason Sonaka got up every morning, the catalyst for this entire escape attempt, still had no idea of her mother's day job. Sonaka did everything in her power to make sure Nusuma wouldn't become a target for Heroes or other villains. Joro was the only exception since she still had some honor still left in her (plus she was a great babysitter). Nusuma, despite her young age, was already growing suspicious of her mother's activities.

"Why are you always hurt?" Nusuma asked one day after Sonaka returned home from an intense battle with some Heroes. The previous head of her syndicate believed that attacking a known meeting spot for heroes would weaken both them and society's moral. It failed miserably with many villains in critical condition or spent to Tartarus.

"Mommy got into a little trouble at work, sweetie. That's all." It was a weak explanation, but Sonaka hoped it'd placate her.

It didn't as Nusuma scrunched up her nose. "You're lying! You and Mrs. Nakamura always say lying is wrong."

Sonaka let out a silent curse to herself and her daughter's kindergarten teacher.

"Well, I'm not lying," Sonaka struggled to think of what to say next. "Only telling... A half-truth."

"Half-truth?" Nusuma questioned.

"It means I'm not lying, just not telling the full story. To protect you." Sonaka explained.

"But you're always protecting me! Why can't I protect you?" Nusuma whined.

Sonaka chuckled. "Because you're five."

"But I already have my Quirk!" 

Sonaka winced at that. Nusuma's Quirk had shown itself early and was similar to her father's. Too similar. It was why Sonaka had to pull her daughter out of kindergarten after the aquarium incident. Possessing a child like that would only lead to skepticism amongst her peers and adults. 

"You will protect me. Just let me do it first. That's my job."

"So that's your real job!" Nusuma gasped with joy, tackling her mother.

Sonaka sucked in a yelp of pain as Nusuma leaped onto her bruised legs. She put on a fake smile and rustled her hair. "Oh no! You found me out!"

"Sonaka?" 

Sonaka snapped back into reality. Joro was nearly pressing her face into Sonaka's. She jolted backward in surprise. Joro genuinely looked hurt as Sonaka tried to regain her bearings.

"Sorry, I just-" she took a deep breath. "My costume is in the wastebasket. Over there in the corner."

Joro went to place a hand on Sonaka's shoulder. "Are you oka-"

"I'm fine." Sonaka backed away. "Let's just go before Bladespinner throws a fit."

The villain looked over her shoulder and called out. "Nusuma, dear, can you come here."

It took a few moments, but the little girl shyly opened the door. She was clutching a toy figure of a Hero. Once she saw her mother's shining face, she ran over and gave her a tight hug. Sonaka ran her fingers through her hair.

"Mama's got to go out one last time, okay?"

Nusuma looked worried. "But... What about-"

"Everything will be okay. Mama just has to go do this one thing and we're gonna go to a magical land called 'Korea'."

"Koreena?" Nusuma attempted to sound out.

Joro snickered at mispronunciation, causing Sonaka to glare at her. "Korea. We'll have a new life."

"But I like it here!" Nusuma pouted.

Sonaka sighed. "You'll understand when you're older."

"Sonaka," Joro warned, glancing down at the phone she produced from her skirt pocket.

The mother bit her bottom lip. Nusuma was still looking bitter about the whole arrangement. She couldn't ask Joro to stay, knowing Bladespinner's temperament but she couldn't just leave her.

"Tell you what," Sonaka said with an attempt at a smile. "What if I get you something while I got out. Would you like that?"

Nusuma rocked back and forth on her heels, pondering the question. A smile broke out on her face. "A rose!"

Both Joro and Sonaka looked at her confused. "A rose?" Sonaka muttered.

"Yeah! I watched a movie where there was a magical rose and a princess and a beast but the beast was a good guy and the rose helped them fall in love!" Nusuma looked up with a Cheshire grin. "I wanna have you fall in love!"

Her heart tore at that statement. Joro could clearly tell that this the time to step in. "Your mama and I have to go now. Please be a good girl and stay in the house. Do not open the door for anyone. Do you understand?"

"And Nusuma," Sonaka dropped to her level. "I'll be home after this, I promise. Do you understand?"

Nusuma dipped her head. "Yes, Mama. Yes, Auntie Tsuchigumo."

Sonaka planted a kiss on her daughter's head before exiting the apartment. Noticing Joro's black car in the parking lot, she turned to her friend and saw her costume in her arms. 

"I got it when you were dealing with Nusuma," Joro explained, seeing her friend's perplexed face.

She thanked Joro and, once she got into the back seat, began changing. Joro smirked. "Shouldn't I be paying for this?"

"Shut up!" Sonaka shouted, but the playfulness in her tone wasn't lost on Joro. "At least my costume is decent! With yours, nothing is lost to the imagination."

Joro shrugged, turning the car on. The engine purred as she spoke. "Hey, my gift to the world is showing off my greatest assets." She motioned towards her breasts and rear.

Sonaka rolled her eyes.

Just before they were to drive towards their destination, Sonaka gripped her comrade's shoulder. "Make sure I get home. For Nusuma's sake."

Joro nodded in agreement. "For Nusuma."

---

For someone who spent almost two decades battling Heroes, Sonaka knew when a battle was starting to get rough and this battle was it. 

The Hero that swooped in to save the day, some hotshot named Fantastic Devil (a red-skinned twenty-something with horns, a tail, and fire-breathing. Your standard edgy hero-style), and his four interns. Bladespinner's lackeys were barely keeping up with the Heroes before Joro (codenamed Spinneret) and Sonaka (codenamed Wraith) showed up.

Weaving into and out of the fray, the ghost-like villain pop out of the wispy form to slash at her enemies. She noticed a couple of Sidekicks showed up to attempt to defeat the villains, but she wasn't worried. They were novices compared to a master of concealed weaponry. Currently, she was dealing with an intern with some sort of speed Quirk. He dashed back and forth like a child on a sugar rush. He attempted to land some square hits on her, but Wraith used her Quirk, Phase, to simply turn into a puff of gray smoke. 

Suddenly, the speedy intern landed a strong jab right in between her ribs then a swift kick to her right arm. Her blade was launched from her grasp. Cockiness must've taken hold of him because he tried to unleash another attack. But, as a concealed master, Wraith always had something up her sleeve. In this case, literally. Sliding out a blade from its hidden sheath, she let out a yell as she dug it straight into the man's orange helmet. It's pale yellow screen cracked due to the force. The intern was too stunned to block Wraith's second attack. She side-kicked the helmet, causing both the wearer and it to drop to the ground. She was about to turn away when she noticed something.

A round young face, mousy brown hair, as he laid gasping she could see braces. The most damning evidence was the giant UA logo on the back of his hero costume. 

"You're... A student?"

Before he could reply, a shot of web stuck to the kid's back. He was whipped into the air and slammed into the ground several feet away from Wraith. The attacker was Joro, Spinneret, donning her infamous costume. A black mask shielded her identity, but not her vision. Even from far away, Wraith could see the intensity in her eyes. Her costume was a tight latex with a cobweb type shirt and boots. Two latex pieces were barely holding up her breasts. Wraith would've said she was beautiful, had she not slashed the throat of the student with her long carapaces.

Wraith wanted to scream but her throat had closed up. The sounds around her became muffled as the realization hit her. These were just regular interns. They were students. Children. 

She backed away from Joro, no, Spinneret, as her former friend basked in the glory of her kill. As she backed up, she felt her heel step onto something. Something squishy. Wraith (could she still call herself that?) Turned and nearly throw up.

It was another student. Her costume was torn to bits but she could make out that it had something to do with constellations. A mask, probably hers, laid broken against the pavement. Sonaka leaned in to meet the girl's eyes. They were a teal. Sonaka could imagine how bright they were when this girl was told she entered the Hero Academy.

"Please..." the girl noticed Sonaka and weakly reached out for her. "Please... Help."

Sonaka choked by a sob. This was someone's daughter. No, this may potentially be her daughter.

"I'm sorry." Sonaka managed to say, grasping the girl's hand. "I'm so... So sorry."

The girl didn't say anything. She couldn't. Her eyes were dull, one of the key depictions of death. Sonaka let her hand fall back to the pavement without another word.

The world around her was crumbling, both physically and mentally. A burning piece of a car crashed landed next to her but she didn't even move. Not even All Might himself could get her to move from this position. The girl was young, sixteen or seventeen at the most. Black hair with specks of white. But despite her physical differences, all Sonaka could see was a teenaged Nusuma. Laying like that in the middle of some pointless battle.

"Who did this?" Sonaka murmured. She placed the girl on her side a gasped.

Her stomach was completely torn up. It was like a pack of wolves that had chewed through her organs. Blood was pooled all over the front of her costume and the pavement. Sonaka gagged when she noticed the chunks of meat. And all of it red. So much red.

Like a rose.

Sonaka reluctantly traced her fingers over the wound. It wasn't as messy of a cut as she once believed. It was crude, yes, but done with a clear purpose. Like it was made by a tool.

"Bladespinner!" shouted Sonaka to no one in particular. She needed to stop him. Fast.

Nusuma, I'm sorry. But I have to do this.

Sonaka's costume flowed elegantly behind her even as she threw herself into the chaos. Quirks were flying all over the place. That Fantastic Devil guy was hanging off the side of a building breathing fire onto the villains below. Mountains of debris loomed threatening around her. Sonaka could see in her peripheral another villain pounce at a sidekick. The sidekick bounced away and disappeared in a shimmery flash before appearing behind him. Normal Sonaka would've floated up to save her comrade. But that wasn't her comrade and, right now, she wasn't her normal self.

She shifted into her Wraith form to move past the burning rubble and blood spatters.

"I wanna have you fall in love!"

Sonaka dodged another flying piece of debris when she saw a familiar muscular form. 

Bladespinner.

His silver was caked in blood and, most horrifying, skin. His villain outfit, a silver and black skintight costume with a saw symbol on the front and back was mostly torn, revealing his muscles and machine parts. His arms, if you could even call them that, were giant mechanical wonders. A mixture of organic and machine parts with two razor-sharp saws at the end of it. He was currently locked in battle with a pink-haired- correction, pink petaled girl. Her pink eyes were filled with terror, yet determination. Next to her was the body of another student, most likely one of her classmates.

Another intern!

Sonaka's body moved on her own. She couldn't watch another death. She was tired of it all. The fighting. The lack of trust. The hatred from society. The reality that you'd never know if you'd make it home or not.

For Nusuma

"Kaori!" Sonaka screamed over everything.

Bladespinner, before landing the final blow, angrily spun around to glare at Sonaka. The girl managed to scurry away as Bladespinner drew closer to a frozen Sonaka.

"What... Did you say?"

"Kaori... Goto... You need to stop." Sonaka waved her hands to motions towards the environment. "Look at this! Look at you! Look at what you almost did."

"I was about to defeat our enemy," Bladespinner bared his teeth. "Are you questioning my decision, Mimoto?"

Sonaka stiffened but stood her ground. "I'm questioning the fact you're about to murder a child!"

"A child!?" Bladespinner scoffed. "That's our future enemy! The ones that might kill us! It's better to strangle the weeds before they overrun the garden!"

"This isn't one of your stupid analogies, Kaori! These are innocent lives!"

"You have no right to call me that!" he snarled. "If you wanna protect them so much, you can die with them!"

Bladespinner had raised his arm to strike, but Sonaka already had disappeared in a poof of smoke. She reappeared just above him. She swiftly tapped her ankles together and two blades shot out from the back of her boot's heels. She raised her left leg. She struck down, but Bladespinner managed to just barely dodge. Still, she managed to graze his cheek. A trail of blood dripped down and onto the ground. 

A rose?

Sonaka snapped back into reality when Bladespinner used the back of their arm to bat her away. She wheezed as all the arm was forced out of her. She went tumbling across the ground, hitting several mounds of rubble. She was sure his attack at least cracked a rib or two was cracked but she needed to move. Like a raging bull, Bladespinner began to charge. Just before he made it towards her, she managed to disappear and poof back into existence right in front of him. She just managed to dig a knife right across his chest and popped out of the way. 

I'm going to get a serious migraine after all this Quirk usage she groaned, already developing a headache.

"Stay... STILL!" 

Bladespinner tried to punch her but she already was gone. Before he could blink, his throat was already slit. He choked out blood with it splattered on a broken pile of bricks. Before he could even get another word out, another knife was planted in his back. Then another. Then three more. 

All Sonaka could see was red. Both figuratively and literally. Bladespinner had hit the ground several seconds ago, let she just kept stabbing. All the pent up rage she had built over the years were being unleashed on the body of her murderous boss. Was she just as bad as him? Probably, but she just needed to be free.

Free.

Nusuma!

Struggling to stand due to her shaking legs, Sonaka started to shuffle her way back towards an alleyway. Maybe she just shed her costume and make it back to her apartment just before nightfall. The last train left at eleven in the evening, she cod make it. She had to.

The sounds of fighting and over the top Quirks were dulled by the memories of her child. Nusuma's birth was a painful, lonely, yet beautiful experience. Her first words 'up, Mama' might've been small to everyone else but the world to her. Her smile was so precious. Her laugh was music to her ears. Her first ever A was on a math test; basic, but God did she almost cry at seeing her child succeed.

Succeed. Nusuma would succeed.

Nusuma, Mama's coming. Don't worry.

"You!"

Bladespinner? No, it was a feminine voice. Joro? No, too young.

Sonaka turned around. She wasn't prepared for the thick piece of wood going straight through her chest. Sonaka let out a deep wheeze. It pierced her lung, she could feel it. Her attacker? That same pink-petaled intern/student from before. Except her eyes were now a green, a green that reminded Sonaka of the grass at the park she always took Nusuma to. Although rage was pouring out of those emerald eyes, Sonaka also detected loss and hurt. Sonaka couldn't blame her. She was a child pretending to be a great Hero. This was probably her first experience with death, at least death that involved her friends and Hero's life as a whole. She wanted to tell her that she was sorry, but the girl raised another arm. It was covered in wood like a thick armor plating. Her hand, although covered, managed to sprout another tree branch.

"I-" 

Sonaka couldn't finish. Her heart was immediately struck and everything slowed. She always thought death was supposed to be painful but she just felt tired and, in a twisted way, peace. All the stress dissolved at the moment of impact. The girl's face was still morphed due to all the suffering she was struggling with. Sonaka wanted to give her peace to her. But she couldn't.

She was falling.

Darker and colder was the only place she was heading and she embraced it with open arms. Sonaka let out a tear; it was her final regret.

Nusuma, I'm sorry. I didn't keep my promise.

[halequeenjas]

Pick Me, Choose Me, Lick Me!! || Blanche & Jasmine

TIMING: Present  LOCATION: Candleton Cemetery  PARTIES: @halequeenjas & @harlowhaunted  SUMMARY: After making a bet on the internet, Jasmine meets Blanche at the cemetery to see if she can spot and lick a ghost.  CONTENT WARNING: Ghost…. Licking?

 Was Blanche seriously about to lick a ghost for $650.00? Oh, absolutely. The discomfort could be put aside for two seconds while she made some cash for some lady from the internet… Problem was, Blanche supposed as she leaned against gate of Candleton Cemetery, Blanche wasn’t exactly sure how to prove she was licking an actual ghost if the lady couldn’t see them. But hey, maybe the lady could see them. Or maybe this was a scam. This was probably a scam. Blanche frowned slightly, sighing as she tugged at her leggings and brightly colored zip of sweatshirt, ready to pull out her phone when she saw a lady that may or may not be there for her. Her eyes narrowed - was she visiting someone? Did Candleton even have any open graves right now? She didn’t remember. “You the lady that’s going to pay me to lick a ghost?” Blanche asked flatly. 

Why was Jasmine doing this? She didn’t rightfully now, but watching a young adult probably just lick air seemed like a fun time. Alternatively, she was out $650 and had a new medium friend which could help with a lot of what she had going on. While the cemetery was one of her least favorite spots due to the volume of ghosts, she showed up. She opted for a thicker heel so they wouldn’t sink into the mud. When she saw the short blonde approaching, she smirked and crossed her arms, “That depends, can you even see a ghost to find one to lick?” She couldn’t help but laugh, this was fairly ridiculous. “I have my doubts, but I’m an expert on all things ghosts, so by all means, please, find a ghost and lick it.” She gestured broadly out toward the land around them. There were at least three ghosts in the immediate vicinity. 

“I see more than you think,” Blanche grinned at her, letting out a loud snort, shoving her hands in her pocket as she took a look in the cemetery. The few that were lingering around were staring at them. Ghosts were always drawn to mediums, so it wasn’t surprising. Blanche thought about lying to her once again, finding some open air and just…. Licking it. But if Blanche was actually serious about her mediumship thing, then she was going to have to get over here and talk to them eventually…. Even if that meant she… licked on of them. Blanche strode forward, eying three ghosts - two were clustered under a tree, whispering lowly, while another was chilling on top of a gravestone, cross legged as she stared at her in some amusement. Blanche didn’t want to interrupt the conversation the other two were having as Blanche stepped forward. 

“Can I lick you?” Blanche blurted out. 

The ghost raised an eyebrow at her, cocking her head to the side as her long dark hair fell over her shoulder. “So nice of you to ask. Sure.” She held out a hand, and Blanche took a step forward, tentatively licking the air, before turning her head to look suspiciously at Jasmine.

“Can you see ghosts?”

What Jasmine had been expecting, she wasn’t sure. For this girl to casually walk up to an actual ghost and ask if she could lick her wasn’t it. At least she had manners to ask before walking around and licking a ghost all willy nilly. Pissing ghosts off was never a good idea. She watched with an amused look on her face as the exchange took place. It looked like she owed this young woman $650 now though that begged the question of was she a medium, an exorcist, or was she like Morgan and already dead? She cocked an eyebrow and said, “Manners and you can see ghosts. Alright, maybe I was wrong about you.”

She pulled her checkbook out of her purse and scoffed, “Of course I can see ghosts, I’m an exorcist. This would be a pretty pointless bet if I couldn’t actually confirm you licked a ghost and not just the air.” 

There was a tombstone behind her that she used to set her checkbook down on as she filled out the check. “So two questions, what’s your full name and how can you see ghosts?” 

The ghost she just licked was laughing at her scowl, pushing off the tombstone to go for a walk. But the woman was taking out her checkbook to pay her, so Blanche was a little preoccupied seeing dollar signs. The blonde was surprised to hear that she was an exorcist though, and she snidely thought that why couldn't she have licked a ghost last week before she let Connor do that to Nadia. This lady probably knew what she was doing, or at the very least had more experience than Connor. Blanche shifted, automatically uncomfortable with talking about herself. “Uh - well. My name is Blanche Louisa Harlow.” She said, pushing her hair out of her face. “I'm a medium. I see, hear, and sense them. Like… all the time.” Blanche gave Jasmine a weak grin, before peering at the check. “... are you really going to pay me $650? What's your name? Are you really an exorcist, though? Truly??”

A medium. That had certainly not been what Jasmine was expecting when she made this bet. She probably wouldn’t have if that were the case, but a bet was a bet. She had to credit the girl for using her gifts to her advantage. Jasmine herself liked to make a profit off her abilities where she could. “Good to properly meet you, Blanche.” She filled out the name on the check and wrote “gift” in the memo line to avoid her being taxed on it. “It’s been a long time since I’ve met a medium. I feel you though, the ghosts in this town are unavoidable. It’s usually just a matter of whether or not you can see them. I’m Jasmine Rose Hale, you can call me Jas or Jasmine. Yes, I’m paying you $650. You licked a ghost, that was the bet. I honor my wagers… given I usually win, but that’s neither here nor there.” She raised a brow and answered, “Of course I’m an exorcist. Why would I lie about that? Actually, okay, I do usually lie about that for the sake of appearing like your everyday realtor, but the lie there is usually to cover up the fact that I am an exorcist.” 

���Hi Jas.” Blanche didn’t have a good history of trusting exorcists - Nigel and Rebecca had gotten the brunt end of it at first. Connor too, to some extent, even before the Nadia thing happened. It wasn’t very fair of her to put all the blame on Connor. Taking her anger out on him wasn’t right, nor was it helpful when all they wanted to accomplish was the same goal. Blanche, realizing she had been lost in thought for a second, focused her attention on Jasmine. “Are you actually a realtor, too? That’s like your ‘day job’, right?” Blanche’s head tilted to the side slightly, curious. The other exorcists she met were pretty open about it, but Jasmine seemed to be like her… “I don’t, um, really advertise that I’m a medium either. Because - well, you know. Anyway, if you like, need any help with anything, let me know. Aside from licking ghosts.” Blanche smiled slightly. This was proving to be more than just a money grab. 

“Oh no, I’m actually a realtor. A damn good one at that, hence why I can afford to make $650 bets. I mean, I do occasionally charge for exorcisms, but they’re mostly just kind of necessary to sell houses here,” Jasmine explained with a slight laugh. The younger woman seemed to have gotten lost in thought for a few moments there, but she didn’t think too much of it. They’d learned a lot about each other in a short span of time and she didn’t know this girl’s experience with ghosts. All she could do here was look out for her. It wasn’t surprising she was offering help so Jas gave her a warm smile and gestured toward the gate. “The same goes for you. Honestly, I thought you were one of those kids ‘trolling’ on the internet. Didn’t think you’d actually be able to see ghosts let alone lick them, but hey you made an easy $650.” She did air quotes around the world trolling and began walking out with her. “Since you’re clearly not a troll, let’s grab some dinner and chat a bit. Don’t meet too many people like us around here.”

[justjessame]

Babysitting Butcher Chapter 36

I have taken great pride over the years in my cleverness. Hell, I took tremendous fucking pride in my intelligence in getting one over on Homelander right before my little trip to the women’s clinic to take care of his invader spawn. That’s why having this nugget of horrifying reality slip through my fingertips, my brain matter, and my very marrow so fucking difficult to process.

I’d been in their clutches this entire time. Right in the lap of their power, where they could have crushed me, but thinking on it, that wouldn’t do. Mallory had stood in this room, or the room I’d first been treated in and warned, no threatened the lot of them with the importance of my health, hadn’t she? They couldn’t have taken a chance, not the scientists (not that I believed any of them had the authority to make that decision), and Edgar was trying to rehabilitate the image of Vought International. If they didn’t want to harm me, then-

My eyes shut, tight against the steady beeping that belied the upheaval inside of me, as I swallowed down another round of harsh truths. Everyone knew how Billy felt about supes now, it wasn’t as though he wouldn’t tell anyone who asked, so someone in this twisted company probably hoped that my fear would bear fruit. If Billy Butcher killed me, then not only would it ruin him, proving once and for all that he was just as dangerous as believed, but the Office would be shuttered as a failure. The contingency, since a backup plan is always needed where humans are concerned, would be to utilize the free reign that comes when staffing becomes run thinner. I’d never fully staffed, it hadn’t seemed necessary. I managed to cover more tasks than most, Billy aided several areas, and so on and so forth. Knock me out, even with the bit that I was doing from ‘home’, and a wiggle space was created for someone or someones to dig in and push forward. Surveillance. Or monitoring in person.

I made a truly rookie mistake. Cockiness, a belief in my own superior intelligence and abilities, and it got us here. Now how to fix it?

 The first on my list of things to accomplish toward the goal of getting things back on track with Billy and me in the pilot and copilot seats would be to have a confidential sit down with him, alone and unobserved. Paranoia thy name is Dr. Veronica Taylor.

“Ronnie?” Billy was staring at me like he thought I might bolt, and I was considering it, honestly. “Love, you alright?” I nodded, picking up my fork and absently eating while trying to think of where we could go off to, how I could find a way to let him know what I’d realized.

“I’m fine,” I smiled, or at least I tried to. From the look that Billy was giving me, I had doubts that it was convincing. “Just can’t wait to get out of here and have you all to myself.” Truer words. Just not in the sense that he might think. “In fact, Mr. Butcher, spring me from this joint, and maybe I’ll show you a preview.” His smirk grew to a full blown smile and I felt my heart speed up in response, the entire building becoming privy to how this man made me feel.

“Let me see what I can do, Veronica.” A soft kiss and he rushed off, leaving me to my own rushing thoughts of how to find a way to tell him just how fucked up the entire situation really was.

 First of all, I knew that Vought could and did implant chips into certain supes (recall Starlight’s removal of hers). If they had the capabilities to GPS their supes, what else could they chip them for? Could they implant audio/video chips? I racked my brain for any CIA tech knowledge of gadgets and gizmos that might have crossed my desk recently, but then again, I was out of the office for an extended period of time now.

Even if they ONLY implanted a GPS tracker ON ME, that didn’t mean they couldn’t use it to access the surveillance video of nearby equipment. Look, paranoia comes from knowledge, and I work for the CIA. We’re not called the Central INTELLIGENCE Agency for nothing, people.

I was worried about the antidote, too. What if it wasn’t actually a cure? What if it was another fucking variant? Or hell, what if it was just regular fucking Compound V, forcing my fucking body into regular old fucking supe soup? Damn it, I fucking was in KNOTS.

 Billy came back after work, after a day filled with more tests, more questions about how I felt. More “are you feeling warm”? More “is your abdomen tender”? And more times for me to actually feel like a fucking spy than any other time in my entire fucking existence.

“There you are,” his voice, the only fucking voice I fucking cared to hear finally. “Good news, love,” I looked up from the book I’d been hiding behind for what seemed like fucking hours. “Not only can I spring you for the day tomorrow, but the entire weekend-”

I tossed the book and would have jumped into his arms, but I was still wearing my catheter. Fuck. “Back to our house?” I was excited, but then I stopped myself. Vought had had over a month to gain access to our house. Freedom to install whatever they wanted inside our home in order to keep track of me, Billy, our private lives and our progress at work and- I was still missing something, but what?! I felt like screaming, but instead I smiled.

“Actually, I thought I’d spoil my girl with a weekend away,” I let him pull me into his chest, snuggling into the warmth of him, his broadness, his strength. “Away from doctors and needles, and beeping, and noise and questions.” Was I imagining the undertone in his voice? The undercurrent of suspicion, that paranoia that I knew existed within him. Maybe the old Billy Butcher wasn’t completely scrubbed clean after all. “Gonna surprise you, Ronnie,” he pulled back, eyes twinkling, and with a wink and a swat on my behind, he told me to grab only my purse, since he had a bag ready for me in the car.

 He meant a different car from his or mine. Completely different. Not even a company car. And that meant I was right, because we left Vought in HIS car, met Frenchie and Kimiko in this unmarked blah of a car, and then drove off in the opposite direction from where we’d gone to see the house we wanted to buy.

I was still afraid to speak, even with my purse left behind in his car. Billy’s hand reached for mine, and I sighed when our skin touched. “It’s safe, Ronnie.”

 “How can you be sure?” I muttered, jaw tense. Unsure, so damn unsure that I wasn’t a ticking time bomb. For all I knew, we knew, the cleanser I was told to use on the catheter was a fucking solution to keep the kaboom at bay. “How can we be sure I’m not fucking bugged, or chipped, or fucking-”

“Trust me?” I glanced at him to see that he was darting looks my way. Nodding to let him know that I most certainly did trust him, he smirked. “I’m taking you to some people that Mallory found to have a peek see. She’s had some doubts for awhile now, but it takes time, Ronnie.” I sighed, still tense. “Told you, I won’t lose you.”

“How far are we going?” I wanted to know how long I had to sit on pins and needles.

He kept his eyes on the road, but his hand stayed with mine. “Not far, ever been to Mallory’s house?” I shook my head and he took note out of the corner of his eye. “She don’t give out many invites, so that don’t surprise me. This is one of her hideaways. She don’t count it as her home, so she deemed it a safe spot. Don’t think it’s in her name even. She’ll meet us there, not even Frenchie or the others know where it is, just in case.”

In case I was chipped, I thought, so the collateral damage was minimal. “What if-”

“The clean up crew is on standby.” His voice was clipped, and I knew he hoped that if push came to shove, that the clean up crew was going to be used simply to clean up HIS mess, not Vought’s.

 The “house” we went to was glass and concrete. Reminded me more of our office complex tucked into a shale hillside than it did a home or even a safe house. Not that it really mattered since I was simply there for the damn doctors and science nerds to poke and prod at me to see if I was fucked up or fucked over.

I was happy that Mallory didn’t treat me like an invalid, that was a saving grace. She didn’t tisk at me, or cluck her tongue and tell me how sorry she was that this was happening. Instead she asked what I thought the plan of attack could be. We discussed things as though my body were merely a secondary object, even as I was worked over.

One scientist/doctor took the cleansing fluid for a sample, another took a sample from the catheter itself. Bloodwork, because of course, was taken. My vitals, because what day would be completely without me hearing my heartbeat in surround sound along with internal and external temperatures. On and on, but no one asked me the usual questions, or the ones that Vought asked, so I started to puzzle out those questions.

Why would they focus on those particular questions?

First, how was I feeling today? OK that one was standard regardless of where someone was a patient. Skip that one. Second, was I feeling warm? That one was slightly more focused. Given the fact that my first NOTICEABLE symptom of my pregnancy was the steaming skin, and my temperature rising when Billy was anywhere near me, or when I was pissed off. OK, but once the tiny intruder was yanked and scraped out of me, the regulation it afforded me left as well, causing that symptom to go off the rails. When they asked that in the early days, it made sense, if I was feeling warmer it would mean that the blood cleansing wasn’t working and holy shit balls clear the room, right? But once I was doing better with the ‘antidote’? Why was it so fucking shocking then? If it’s a fix, even if it’s a trial period, they were asking more fucking often-

“Hey, doctors?” Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared down at me because I was prone AGAIN. “What are my internal and external temperatures?” They noted them and they were both normal. “Take them again, please.” I waited, and considered how my nerves felt and how I wasn’t just anxious but irritated. They told me it had risen ten degrees and I groaned. Fuck. “Yeah, not a fucking antidote.” Shit. “Rush the test on the cleanser, would you?” I heard the movement and the muttering.”

“Ronnie?” It was Mallory, and I felt Billy’s hand on my cheek. “What’s going on, precisely?”

“They always ask the same questions.” I kept my eyes closed. Trying to gather my wits, and calm myself, since I was now my best fucking regulator. “First question is a throwaway, probably habit or hell for all I know it’s meant to make me think as much. Second one is ALWAYS about how warm I feel. Always. Even after-”

“They gave you the ‘cure’.” Billy’s voice was a hiss. “Those fucking cunts.”

“Are there other questions?” Mallory sounded sick, and I understood because I felt sick.

I nodded, feeling like the bile was rushing up. “Just one more. ‘Do I feel any tenderness in my abdomen?’” I could FEEL both of them staring at the catheter embedded in my abdomen. “I thought it was because that’s where I-”

“Where you hemorrhaged,” Billy whispered, his hand touching mine gently. “I signed for them to put that in you,” his voice sounded tortured and for a beat I had to hand it to Vought, they did something that even Homelander hadn’t managed to do. They’d hit Billy lower than even that caped fucker.

 The cleanser solution, what I’d taken as a benign solution to flush out a catheter whose redundancy would soon be made obsolete, had a tiny added substance that seemed to have a bit of my least favorite supe included. Yes, you read that right, I’d been flushing my catheter out with a wee bit of Homelander swimmers. I don’t even want to try to understand the genetic logic of that, and I nearly threw up when they attempted to explain it.

Billy punched a fucking wall. I envied him that, since I couldn’t actually get fucking pissed enough to do that, or I’d probably blow up and kill us all.

The antidote was clearly an antidon’t. It didn’t have Compound V, from what the doctors could see, what the determined was that with the TINY bit of Homelander leavings that they were adding into the solution to clean the catheter, they hoped to delay the inevitable, which was basically my body shutting down rather than going POP. Yes, Vought fully expected me to die, but they seemed intent on me dying in their clinic as a terrible side effect of a horrible mistake gone wrong. Sort of bandaid a bullet wound situation.

Another wall got a rather forceful introduction to Billy’s fist and once again, I was envious, but resigned.

Luckily, the doctor who seemed far more relaxed and confident assured me that he was fairly sure that I wasn’t as doomed as Vought hoped. In fact, he offered if he could have more time to study me he felt convinced he could not only remove the problematic substance, but return me to my normal human self.

I caught Mallory’s eye, hoping she would give me a sign that somehow she hadn’t accidentally pulled a fucking psycho from the pile. She smiled and shook her head, so I asked him how precisely were we going to manage this extended visit, since I was pretty fucking sure that Vought had me bagged and tagged to the hilt.

“Simple,” his smile grew as my heart sank. “We remove any chipped bit that might be within your body.”

[gender-construction]

Reflection

Throughout all of the work we have done this semester one concept that stand out to me is gender as a social construction. In my reflection, I have chosen to focus on the theme of social construction, essentialism, and sex and gender, which all seem to interlace into one. Through my Tumblr blog, you will be able to see how I viewed this topic before taking Global Women’s studies course and after. Before taking this course, I was very intrigued by Women’s Studies this is because I grew up in Birmingham Alabama and I am all about smashing the archetype of the Southern belle. At the beginning of this course I found myself really challenging the stereotypes, but I quickly had to accept that there’s some reality there. I had a conversation two weeks into the course with my high school friends and I have to admit some of them really cannot see how the patriarchy has affected their lives. I realized that most of my friends’ goals after college in tale; getting married having kids they think that’s what it is all about: the guy being the say-so, the girl being the whimsical and getting her validation through him. I have to say, I love the South but it’s there. I also realized that the older generation often laments that younger women see “feminist” as a dirty word. Due to these findings, I was started to question how these wants and assumptions got placed in our minds and where do these roots come from this course helped answer my question. I can honestly say this course has changed my point of view of this topic as a whole it has helped me identify a mold that has been imbedded. I feel as if this class should be a requirement for every woman to take. Through the class I learned a lot on this topic of gender as a social construction and how this effects women globally in many ways such as health and health care, employment, political representation, education, and inmate/ public violence. In different counties, there are strict laws against practice dealing with identity.

Through my first Tumblr post you can see how the video that I posted elaborates on how sex and gender often times get treated as synonyms mistakenly but they are NOT the same thing. It’s important to define the terms accurately to avoid confusion. I have found that many research articles, and researchers, refer to gender when they mean sex. Sex is a biological category that is determined by the specific sex chromosomes inherited from one’s parents. In humans, male sex is determined on reproductive organs, chromosome profile, and assigned at birth. While, gender on the other hand is socially, culturally and personally defined. Characteristics and behaviors that are socially and culturally determined for example: girls like pink and boys like blue, girls play with Barbie’s and boys play with hot wheels.  Another example, men are normally identified out of the two genders as more athletic. This is when Essentialist views starts to come in. This is the idea that sex determined the gender example ALL women want to be a mother because they have the organs to give birth and because they have that they must be more maternal. Essentialist view that quality as an essential quality of being a female because of biological makeup. They view the beliefs that categories, or individuals and groups of human being, have innate defining features exclusive to their category.

I didn’t quit understand the term ‘essentialist’ until I read the short story “Girl” by Jamaica Kincaid. The mother in this poem is giving her daughter ‘advice’ on how to be a lady to both help and scold her at the same time. She warns her daughter against becoming a “slut”, dispenses much practical and helpful advice that will help her daughter keep a house of her own someday, she tells her daughter how to do such household chores such as, laundry, sewing, ironing, cooking, setting the table. Sweeping and washing. The mother also tells her how to behave un different situations, including to talk with people she doesn’t like. However, the mothers’ advice seems caustic and casting out of fear that her daughter is already well on her way to becoming a ‘slut’. She tells her not to squat while playing marbles or to sing any Antiguan folk sings in Sunday School and to always walk like a lady. From the advice that the mother is giving is coming from a essentialist view she thinks that because that because her daughter is a women she must follow these rules in order to find a husband and run a household.  If someone subscribed to gender essentials they believe that there’s a “maleness” or “femaleness” inherent in men and women, whether that’s a spiritual or scientific property. People often use biology to justify essentialism by posting that our chromosomes or hormones or brains make us feminine or masculine (which isn’t true). The mother in “girl” is clearly making claims about gender differences being biological rather than a social construct.

To carry on with, another reading from this course, I was to focus on “Burn Introduction to Global Women’s studies”. The quote, “Men and women live on a stage on which they act out their assigned roles, equal in importance. The play cannot go on with both performers. Neither of them ‘contributes’ more or less to the whole; neither is marginal or dispensable. But the stage set is conceived, painted, and defined by men. Men have written the play, have directed the show... assigned themselves the most interesting heroic parts” - Gerda Lerner. This is the idea that gender inequality is embedded in family, cultural economic, and political, and social structure is sometimes referred to as the patriarchy and social systems that serve males’ dominate over female.

Another reading is the reading “The Treatment if BIBI Halder”, the quote, “They had a point. Bibi had never had never been taught to be a woman; the illness had left her naïve in most practical matters.” When reading this it infuriated me, because a woman should not have to learn how to be a woman but in reality, they do. What I have learned this semester is that woman and men are held to certain standard and these standards are met by being taught to do certain things that their roles are defined by society. One of my Tumblr post is a video on “20 things to avoid becoming a real lady” I posted this because I found it necessary to show the standards that society has for women. I posted another post of Barbie talking bout all the things she wanted to accomplish, I thought it had to be shared because I found it humorous that Barbie the toy that is said to be a huge part in social construction in little girls is seen in these memes as actually saying she wants to do all these things that a a women is not supposed to do.

Lastly, I wanted to talk about my last two post. They discuss the conversation of feminism some people thing the word feminism is an awful thing. I think it goes along with the whole social construction idea that women and men are two separate things and they have different criteria’s. Femniism goes against what social construction is trying to prove. I think it is very important for ll men and women to be feminist. After taking this class I would 100% now identify myself as a feminist. I think that it is very important that people educate themselves on the matter of womens studies. I have learned a lot through this course about literature, sociology, and society.

[lady-griffin]

Argubably this long rant doesn’t matter since Petyr is dead in the show, but I couldn’t help myself, since I’ve seen people say that Baelish would never be outsmarted and die like that…so here you go.

It is basically accepted as canon that Petyr Baelish is one of the smartest characters in the story and is some Machiavellian-type genius --- manipulating everyone to his whim.

But is he?

Don’t get me wrong, Baelish is certainly intelligent and definitely very clever. And he benefits a lot from the fact that no one ever really thinks he is a real threat, or at least that’s the case in the books. In the show, he’s more seen as a necessary evil by the characters who work with him. They don’t trust him, but they need him for their own agenda.

And Baelish uses people not seeing him as a threat or seeing him as a means to an end to his advantage. But is he some great puppet master, pulling every single string?

Not really.

The idea that Baelish is some kind of absolute mastermind who planned for everyting to work out to his benefit is fueled by several factors –

1. That is a very common assumption of intelligence and is very common trope in media, particulary with political-type or scheming characters. Intelligence is easier to show or prove when it is revealed that said character had everything planned form the start (no matter how implausible that is).

1.A I see this a lot with chess being used as a shorthand to show a character’s intelligence. The intelligent character could’ve won the game at any time and when they suddenly have to leave, they quickly finish the game in one move (to the surprise of their opponent).

2. And in the books, Baelish’s actions and overall scheming have only benefited him, the backlash hasn’t caught up to him…yet

Looking at Baelish and a lot of his actions (both in the show and books), he’s kind of throwing himself everywhere and essentially working with whatever is thrown at him.

The best example is Joffrey sending the Catspaw to kill Bran (because of what he heard from Robert) and Littlefinger takes advantage of Catelyn’s belief that it was Tyrion/Jaime/Cersei (or at least one of them) that sent the assassin, based on whatever Bran saw. And because of that opportunity Baelish is able to further cement the Stark vs. Lannister conflict, which he started by having Lysa send that letter to Catelyn.

Littlefinger himself didn’t plan for Jaime to push Bran out the window or for Joffrey to send an assassin to “impress his father” (Joffrey’s own plan is insane), but boy did he ever take advantage of those extra factors.

And that’s smart, there’s no denying that, but eventually Petyr’s own self is going to catch up with his ambition.

What I mean is that Petyr is fueled by spite and hatred. He wants to stick it to all the nobles in Westeros whoever looked down at him. And every time he gets away with something, he gets bolder and more reckless. The best example of that is Littlefinger kissing Sansa right outside Lysa’s window.

Petyr has a need (that’s growing) to not only be the smartest man in the room, but to have everyone know it.

Basically, Petyr is a very flawed man, who isn’t as smart as a lot of fans see him as or more accurately, doesn’t have everything planned from the beginning and is basically one slip away from it all crumbling around him.  

And there are certain lines that indicate all of this to us.

“[Petyr] was always clever, even as a boy, but it is one thing to be clever and another to be wise.” (AGOT, Catelyn IV)

I really think this gives us the first clear image of who Petyr is as a person – the outline of his character and overall his limitations. Someone who is clever, but as we quickly see, hasn’t become any wiser in his years.  

“In King’s Landing, there are two sorts of people. The players and the pieces.”

“And I was a piece?” She dreaded the answer.

“Yes, but don’t let that trouble you. You’re still half a child. Every man’s a piece to start with, and every maid as well. Even some who think they are players.” He ate another seed. “Cersei, for one. She thinks herself sly, but in truth she is utterly predictable. Her strength rests on her beauty, birth, and riches. Only the first of those is truly her own, and it will soon desert her. I pity her then. She wants power, but has no notion what to do with it when she gets it. (ASOS, Sansa VI)

This is Sansa’s introduction to the official “game” and the “rules.” But we should take this overall idea not as an objective fact of how the world is, but how Petyr (and others) see the world. It’s not necessarily inaccurate, but definitely a limited scope of how things work.

And Petyr’s criticism of Cersei, also shows how blind he is of his own limitations. And honestly, having Petyr think he himself is this great player, only for him to be nothing more than a piece, is very ASOIAF.

Petyr wants power, but like Book!Cersei, has no idea of what to do with it once he has it. Petyr’s all about scheming and getting himself higher and higher, but what would he do once he got to the highest point.

He’s great at creating chaos and benefiting from it, but that can only benefit him for “a limited time.” Particularly since his goal is to eventually be in charge and rule – creating chaos and conflict, isn’t going to help him with that.

Now as he’s the Regent Ruler of the Vale, the cracks are beginning to show in his way of thinking and how he operates (as he also seems to be drinking more and is getting more bold (super creepy and gross) with Sansa – which is not great for his own plans, since he’s pretending to be her dad)

“Everyone wants something, Alayne. And when you know what a man wants you know who he is, and how to move him." (ASOS, Sansa VI)

This is how Littlefinger views the world and people, but it’s also a key to how Sansa should start viewing Littlefinger. 

What does he want? Who is he really? How can she move him?

And while I think Sansa should be considering those three things, this idea certainly has holes on it.

Littlefinger is use to operating on tangible wants and desires, a woman (or man) for the night, money, a drink, and so on. And even other less than tangible desires like status or justice, we have seen Petyr dangle those wants in front of people’s faces and take advantage.

But as we have seen with ASOIAF, people are more than a bit complex and have conflicting desires within themselves.

For instance, Jon wanted nothing more than to be Lord of Winterfell, to have a wife and a son of his own. To do his father proud and yet when that was offered to him by Stannis he refused.

Though that might actually be to Petyr’s point. Stannis didn’t know what Jon truly wanted and therefore doesn’t really know who Jon is, and thus can’t move Jon to his own whim. Which I might break down further (at another point).

But back to Petyr.

How is he trying to move Sansa?

He offered Sansa the chance to go home, but that was a lie and Littlefinger has no plans to bring Sansa back home. 

It honestly seems like Littlefinger thinks Sansa’s desire to return home is a temporary desire. And to some extent is working with what he presumes is Sansa’s true desire, which was her old desire, to be queen and have her romantic dreams come true.

Petyr, because of his own desires, is not fully aware of Sansa’s true desires, which means according to his own theory, he doesn’t know who she truly is and will have more difficulty controlling her.

“Clean hands, Sansa. Whatever you do, make certain your hands are clean.” (ASoS, Sansa VI)

There are many flaws in this ideology. 

For one thing - to accomplish anything, especially lasting change or permanent status (the power and respect Petyr wants) you have to get yourself dirty.

I don’t mean doing horrible things and playing dirty. I just mean you actually have to do something. You can’t just sit behind-the-scenes trying to accomplish what you want, you actually have to do it. You need to take an actual risk and put yourself in harms way.

Also, Petyr’s hands are so dirty at this point (in regards to doing crimes).

To name two of his recent best hits…

He killed Lysa and there were two witnesses to his crime.

He has Sansa Stark – who is wanted for regicide (because of Baelish). If Sansa gets found out before Petyr’s “grand plan” can unfold, he’s fucked.

And –

Several people are looking for Sansa Stark (and have an idea who Alayne is)

Several people don’t want Petyr Baelish to be Lord Regent/Lord of the Vale

And some just don’t want Alayne Stone around or don’t want her to marry Harry.

And that’s just naming three separate aspects of essentially one-single problem. There’s more that can affect the Vale and Petyr’s plans.

Two major ones being the Others and Daenerys and her dragons.

But also, the growing restlessness of Westeros (and the Vale), Winter is coming (not the monsters, but like just food shortage) and then there’s the Mountain Clans and there are just so many potentially pitfalls with his plan.

Petyr, to me, is not really a major player. He certainly has had a lot of influence and has cast a large shadow over this world…but,

As Petyr himself explained, every piece has their own agency and desires and certainly can do a lot of damage, but that doesn’t mean they themselves are important in the grand scheme of things. 

And Petyr isn’t a major character himself (in the literal story) as he’s a part of Sansa’s story.

I just find it really interesting (not surprising though) that he’s been built up in the fandom as this absolute Machiavellian genius who’s 20 steps ahead of everyone, when honestly it seems like he’s juggling several knives and each time he doesn’t get cut, he adds another knife.

And his time (in the books) might be coming to an end sooner than we think.

[zetalial]

03 Ed’s character development

So in my last post I started rambling in the tags and eh I figured I’d write it out in a separate post. (And as per usual it turned out way longer than I intended...) Enjoy this little post about Ed’s character development in FMA 03.

Okay, early on we see him getting into trouble and then solving problems and Ed is really confident and happy with big smiles. He takes great joy in outsmarting people or defeating people with his awesome alchemy skills. He gets moody at times - he doesn’t like being part of the military - but he is proud to be the alchemist for the people.

The first glance at him after the timeskip when he’s 15 has him talking to a taxi-driver about his lovely reputation and he’s visibly happy and gloating. (The wind gets taken out of him with a remark about his height though.) Now, he is sensitive to people’s suffering and wants to help others when he can - stuff like Nina still weighs on him. But mostly, he’s doing his own thing and thinks he’s awesome. (See Liore, Yousewell and the fullmetal versus flame episode.)

Al’s a little more humble and caring about others while Ed is less interested in other people’s problems - he generally wants to help only when he begins to care about them or if it’s really about proving himself. (In episode 10, the Phantom Thief, his problem with Clara wasn’t that she was a thief, it was because she was a thief using alchemy. He’s particularly opposed to the misuse of alchemy and actually helps her when he thinks she’s trying to help the town. Then when she’s tricked him, Ed wants to defeat her because she got the better of him and he hates that.) 

Over the series, this arrogant attitude gets deconstructed. It starts with Marcoh, when Ed tracks him down and doesn’t care too much about his story about his Ishval and how the Stones he made were misused. He just wants the stone for his own goals - restoring him and Al - and doesn’t really care too much about the wider world. Then Marcoh gets taken by the military and Ed suddenly feels bad because he realises his actions caused this and he steps in to defend Marcoh from Scar. Complete with a flashback to Nina. (Separate post on this here)

So next, Ed finds out that the Philosopher’s stone is made from human lives and he starts to give up because pursuing their own goals would mean hurting others. It’s another huge challenge to his worldview. (Here’s a separate post I made on it.)

Then Lab 5 and he finds out the homunculi have been behind things and they’ve been secretly manipulating him and his brother all this time, leaving a trail to the stone to lure them in. Now Ed can no longer pretend that it’s their own quest independent of anything else. They’ve been controlled all this time and didn’t know it. Tucker is still alive. Barry the chopper is still alive. Ed hates being tricked and outsmarted and he’s really shaken by it all. 

Meanwhile, you’ve got Al interacting with Scar. Originally Scar is just a bad guy to Ed and now they’re learning more about Scar and his sympathetic motivations and it’s not so black and white. Early villains tended to be framed as generically evil. 

So Ed finds he’s more connected to the world than he’d like to be. He can’t just be selfishly pursuing his own goals with no care for his effect on the world. He learns about how the homunculi were created with Izumi and then he meets Greed. Greed’s just a bad guy to Ed. Then Ed kills him and Greed reveals he let Al go, that he’s been manipulated all his life and that he’s not such a bad guy. Ed has to deal with the fact that he’s taken a life and he has to try and move on. 

Early episodes had Ed really happy and proud with defeating the bad guy and saving the day. (Nina and Barry the chopper are sort of exceptions but even then the bad guys were so clearly evil and he could at least take some sort of satisfaction from defeating them. Until lab 5...) These episodes show the opposite, Ed feels terrible for what he’s accomplished. There is no satisfaction here.  

So the next couple episodes have some more of his assumptions challenged. His interactions with Ishvalans in episode 36 reveal that he’s been affected by propaganda more than he’d like and he confronts a bit of his own internalised racism (the show doesn’t really delve into the subject but it does touch on it a little.) Ed is starting to rethink his assumptions and his worldview. He makes this nice statement about how you can’t always trust what you’ve been told and you have to come to your own truths about the world. Martel informs him how the Ishval war wasn’t a single inciting incident based on different worldviews but an active insidious campaign by the military to start a war. What he’s been told before has been more lies and military propaganda which he’d never questioned.

Then the truth about Liore is revealed and Ed is now confronted with the fact that his actions didn’t help like he thought. He couldn’t solve their problems. All he did was cause worse problems even though it wasn’t his intention. All he can do is collapse in horror at the graves, realising that he was never the clever hero defeating the bad guy. His actions really had huge devastating consequences outside himself. 

And he also faces Sloth, who he’d been in denial about for ages. Now he accepts that she’s his creation and his responsibility and he can no longer run from her. So he prepares, going to Risembool to get her weakness. 

Lust has been his enemy for a long time and she’s done some terrible things. Yet she offers to work with him against his enemies. She wants his help and I like her line about how if he gives her what she wants and makes her human then they wouldn’t be enemies anymore. It’s like, these characters are more complex than mere bad guys and helping her would be the best move even though she’s never shown any remorse for the things she’s done. There’s no point to antagonising her now. (I’m probably not explaining it that well but I find this scene really powerful.) Meanwhile, Sloth is intent on being their enemy to the end and it’s necessary to go as far as killing her.

Ed’s fight to defeat her is every bit as clever and awesome as any of his earlier schemes and he’s aiming for the ending he got. (Whereas he was shocked by his own actions against Greed.) But there’s no happiness in victory here. Only bitter sadness. He’s beginning to understand the homunculi and that they’re not monsters - they’re tragedies. 

At this point they have the stone and Ed could be trying to get his and his brother’s body back. I think it might well have been possible. Early Ed probably would have tried to do just that. But now Ed’s not thinking of his own goals he’s thinking of the greater world outside of his own dreams. His conversation with Mustang in Episode 48, Goodbye, discusses this. Mustang’s throwing away his dream of becoming Fuhrer to defeat the corrupt Military while Ed goes after the Homunculi’s master who’s been pulling all the strings and starting wars. War is not a far-off thing that doesn’t concern him as he believed in early episodes. 

So we don’t see much of his cocky smile anymore. Ed learns he’s not as clever as he thinks he is and that his enemies aren’t as simple as he once thought and that the world effects him and he effects the world, whether he likes it or not. That’s some of his character development throughout the series. 

We may not get so many big grins but we do still get some nice smiles from him at times. He’s grows more thoughtful about the world and more caring about others. He’s calmer and less arrogant and better at forgiving others for their mistakes, (like he’s able to forgive his father for all the terrible stuff he’s done upon seeing how he’s trying to be better). He’s still restless, and very attached to Al and can’t let go of his principle of equivalency entirely and this leads to his final sacrifice and then continuing researching relentlessly in the new world - he doesn’t become a perfect person or anything. But I adore his character growth.

Ed’s my favourite character in FMA and I absolutely love his character journey in 03. I hope this helps to explain why.

[brightbeautifulthings]

Vicious by V.E. Schwab

"But these words people threw around--humans, monsters, heroes, villains--to Victor it was all just a matter of semantics. Someone could call themselves a hero and still walk around killing dozens. Someone else could be labeled a villain for trying to stop them. Plenty of humans were monstrous, and plenty of monsters knew how to play at being human."

Year Read: 2019

Rating: 4/5

About: Victor and Eli are college roommates with a shared interest in near-death experiences and the possibility that, under the right conditions, people may develop ExtraOrdinary powers. When they decide to test the theory themselves, the experiment goes better--and worse--than they ever could have dreamed. Ten years later, Victor has broken out of prison with one goal in mind: revenge on his former best friend. In the last ten years, Eli has been hunting down other ExtraOrdinaries, convinced that they're evil and unnatural. The last time they faced off, Victor went to jail. This time, they're determined to stop each other by any means necessary. Trigger warnings: death, child death, suicide, suicide attempts, animal death, rape (off-page), violence, body horror, torture, blood, guns, drowning, alcohol/drug use, overdose, hospitals.

Thoughts: After the experience that was The Monsters of Verity duology, pretty much everything Victoria Schwab has ever written has ended up on my TBR. After reading Vicious, I can conclude that she's the reigning queen of villain stories. Thank you for writing novels for all of us weird people who love monsters more than hero stories. Nearly every character in Vicious is a villain; it's just a matter of who's the bigger villain that determines which side we're on. It's a novel for fans of anti-heroes like Batman and The Green Arrow, only darker, like Unbreakable meets Flatliners with the gritty noir of Sin City (depending on which part of the book you're on). As far as concept, world-building, and characters go, it's one of the best books I've read this year.

The concept of ExtraOrdinaries, regular people who have acquired or were born with superpowers in an ordinary world, isn't unfamiliar, and in Schwab's hands, it sounds utterly plausible. When she starts us off, ExtraOrdinaries are only a theory that Victor and Eli set out to prove through whatever mad science and near-death experiences necessary, and these flashback scenes were among my favorites. (You also can't convince me that Victor Vale, for all his alliterative supervillain name, wasn't also named for Victor Frankenstein.) The more characters we meet with extraordinary powers, the more fascinated I was by them. The powers may be familiar, but what the characters do with them is all Schwab.

If you don't like characters who are awful, there's almost no chance of liking this book. By default, Victor is the hero only because Eli is a greater villain. He's motivated completely by revenge and what other people can do for him, while Eli is convinced that he's on a righteous crusade to wipe out the unnatural ExtraOrdinaries. However, Victor is easily my favorite because he never pretends he's anything but a villain. There's something so compelling about a character who knows he isn't a good person and doesn't care (and also, his power is COOL). I was less enthusiastic about Eli because religious motivation pretty much always hits me the wrong way, and I just didn't find his chapters as interesting as the others. On the other hand, I loved Serena for her coldness and the lengths she would go with her powers. (Was anyone else picturing Serena van der Woodsen? Beautiful, persuasive blonde with the same name?) And, of course, Sydney and Mitch should be loved and protected at all costs. The relationships among Sydney, Mitch, and Victor are awesome and dysfunctional, and I love them all. Excellent, excellent cast.

If there's any downfall of the novel, it's probably the pace. Initially, I enjoyed the short chapters and the jumping around of the timeline. It's cleverly modeled after graphic novels, which tend to be quicker-paced (and, obviously, feature superheroes), and I think it would work really well for people who don't like reading much or who struggle to stay invested in novels. Personally, I prefer longer chapters, and I think my attention wouldn't have wandered so much if I wasn't constantly being pulled into a different part of the story, but different novels accomplish different things. Despite these distractions, flashbacks, and quite a few things happening, the overall pace felt a little slow, like the whole thing could have been fifty-or-so pages shorter. There's an entire novel of build-up for an end conflict we know is coming, and we can, more or less, guess how it's going to go. However, these are small complaints against an otherwise great book. I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for Vengeful.

[yoosea-mysme]

Did not expect anyone to ask about my OCs x’D I assume because of my matchups from @marshmallowprotection​

First thing, which I myself often forget: these ocs are actually technically inserted characters in a pre-existing universe, a French roleplay youtube series. I originally just started imagining different scenarios for the existing characters and then basically did the “let’s give them kids and see what happens” thing. Kinda lame concept, but I love the characters I created for it, and I’ve had them for… a couple years now? Second thing, that universe is magical fantasy, I just didn’t mention it in the matchups because it wasn’t relevant (nor how they end up in Mysme’s world, shush). Now that I’ve thoroughly disappointed you, here are the characters themselves, the cousins/siblings gang (because I’m unsure about giving names, we’re gonna call them Big Sister, Younger Brother, Adopted Cousin and Lyn):

______________________________________________________________

We’ve got Adopted Cousin (here), the oldest one, he’s actually the only one not blood related to the others. Black with green eyes, VERY tall and thin, originally he was meant to have long blond hair, but I have a tendency to picture him with a black long ponytail so it’s still unclear. He’s an orphan who became the apprentice and then adopted son of a character who is HIMSELF not blood related to the parents of the others, but because their parents treat him as family, he’s their uncle and his son is ergo their cousin. It’s the law. If anyone questions it Big Sister will punch them in the face. Hard. He’s also the only one of the group who has zero connection to magic nor any interest in it whatsoever. For a long time, he avoided the topic of his family because he didn’t want to relieve the trauma of losing them, and tried to focus only on his new family; he’s gotten better at talking about it since (though I won’t go into details on how they died). Easily the most chill and calm of the whole group; all he wants is to get to do his experiments, invent some cool stuff, read, draw and sew because it’s soothing. 98% of the time he gets roped in an adventure is against his will by his cousins (other 2% is when he wants to get his hands on something forbidden to study it; the only times he gets in trouble he does not mess around. Go big or go home, what’s the use of going apeshit if you don’t even get arrested). He just wants to stay home and hyperfocus. Please let him take a nap (they don’t).

The advantage of constantly being thrown around by creatures of hubris is that it puts into practice your quick-thinking skills: very promptly got used to taking charge of every kind of situation no matter how crazy and keeping everything and everyone under control, and will get frustrated when people don’t listen to him (he’ll make them listen). Even though they should technically get along great for being the two most reasonable, he often butts head with Big Sister because of his leading nature (“No I don’t think you’re dumb, please I just want us to survive this let me handle it”) His adoptive father is himself in a huge position of authority so he’s learned a lot from him. He’ll drag everyone safe back home by force if he has to (even if he has noodle arms).

  ______________________________________________________________

We’ve got the Big Sister (here). Physically perfect mix of her grandmothers, but with her father’s older sister body type (aka: huge): long dark blonde wavy hair and blue (?) eyes. Arguably most attractive face of the bunch. Her father is basically a paladin, her mother is petite but strong (not a fighter though) her aunt is at the head of an army, and she wants in on it. Since she was very young she’s trained with her father in the hopes to join their army (and succeeded) and she’s become the epitome of a huge muscular woman in so doing. She tries to follow her father’s ideals of “justice and protection to the weak and innocent” in theory, but due to her sometimes abrasive attitude (which she gets from him), and the fact that she has inherited a lot of her mother’s personality (a “the end justifies the means” kinda gal), she can sometimes have a warped vision of morality that she has to work on a lot. Sadly, she’s also inherited a bit of her father’s introverted exterior and aunt’s “in case of doubt, punch” reasoning and honestly, that’s just a whole mess of a personality combo but she tries her best. She’s easily the most confident and assertive of the group and never doubts her abilities or goals (sometimes maybe a bit too much), might even boast a lot tad. She’s extremely protective of her loved ones and is the kind that will yell at you for getting in trouble (big sister vibe +1); before her older cousin was adopted she was used to being the oldest of the family and therefore still feels responsible of everyone’s safety, she’ll definitely always try to be in control for every situation. She actually butts head a lot with her adoptive cousin because of them both taking the “older and wiser” role, and it took her a while to begrudgingly admit he’s often better than her at handling things, and that they should just work together instead of trying to one-up each other. She loves messing with people (ESPECIALLY her younger brother whom she can drive MAD) but hates being messed with and will definitely get her revenge. She does her typical “older sibling friendly bullying” thing, but if you trashtalk her brother anywhere near her you’re dead. Only she can mess with him, it’s the law.

  ______________________________________________________________

We’ve got the middle child (here), the one I called Lyn (actually a character from another story, this one created entirely by me, that I inserted here once just because and somehow she ended up with an entirely different backstory and family). Related to the other two Brother and Sister by blood (dad is their mother’s half-brother). Somehow looks more like her father’s sister than her parents, also a lot like her mother though she hates to admit it. Her mother had her without ever telling her dad and was extremely abusive to her for 10 years (she has scars, mostly on her back). At that age her father, who was married, found out about her and tried to get in contact with her, until he found out the way she was being treated. Her mom tried to get rid of him by getting him arrested, but his sister-in-law (maybe?? What do you call the sister of the husband of your sister??? She’s the head of the army I mentioned earlier) pulled some strings and managed to get him and his husband custody as well as getting the mom banished. Lyn hasn’t seen her since (but she will ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ). She’s extremely happy with her dads now and thankful to have them.

Her dad is actually a fire mage and she has great control over fire herself, but no interest in pursuing that talent academically; she’s good with knowing how to burn stuff that annoys her when necessary. She greatly prefers to run around outside; she’s really good at sports, an extremely good climber and fighter, runs fast and is agile (all this taught to her by her stepdad). She’s not as much of a “horse girl” as her cousin, but she’s got her own horse (she created it; don’t ask) and she loves him to death. Has absolutely no clue what she wants to do with her life as an accomplished adult and honestly neither do I; maybe she’ll end up going on adventures for the sake of it like the original characters, why not. She honestly doubts herself, her own abilities and her future a lot, but usually tries to hide it behind jokes and smiles. She’s actually extremely resourceful and a quick-thinker, but only if doing so will end in mischief. Sidenote: she drives her adopted cousin up the fucking wall. He just wants to rest and be chill most of the time and she somehow always gets him mixed up in her messes, which he always has to help her clean up. He loves her, but damn does he also want to strangle her. (And now I can see the Vanderwood/Saeyoung vibes, god dammit @marshmallowprotection​  was right about both their matches)

  ______________________________________________________________

And finally, the Younger Brother (here). Perfect mix of his parents, white, grandma’s wavy locks, dark hair and blue eyes, arguably the cutest (his sister and his side of the family just got the bamf genes): youngest of the whole gang, used to being doted on, particularly by his sister. Also used to not being taken seriously because he’s young and being messed with a lot, PARTICULARLY by his sister. He has a huge inferiority complex towards her because he’s always felt like she was more accomplished and closer to their father than he was (which is partially true because since she pursued the same career as him they just got to spend a lot of time training etc. but he loves his children equally. He himself is closer to their mother and mother’s brother) and had a better grasp than him on what to do with her life and how to achieve her goals. He later discovered himself a talent in magic and learned a lot through his grandfather and his mother’s brother the mage; successfully entered the same school as he, one of the best of its kind and has been receiving nothing but praise since. He’s very excited about his studies now. Still very cunning and ambitious.

I mentioned in his matchup description him being easy to manipulate due to his insecurities (also true in love; my baby was in an abusive relationship for some time, his first love, but he’s okay now (his sister and Lyn avenged him…)) and hurting someone he loved because of it: that’s actually Lyn. When he was younger and still dabbling with magic, he started to learn things outside of his level due to the manipulations of his grandfather (that guy is a whole other story, we’re not gonna get into it). Lyn tried to warn him that he was going too far, but tired of never being taken seriously, he tried to prove her wrong and accidentally injured her (and then ran away for two weeks because he had no idea what to do and had a major breakdown). Lyn lost her sight from her left eye; she got most of her sight back now, though not all, but couldn’t get rid of the scar on her face. He felt particularly guilty because out of the entire group, Lyn was the one he had the closest kinship and relationship with due to them being the youngest and certified troublemakers and he couldn’t cope with what he did to her. Lyn was the one who forgave him, helped him get out of that bad mental place, reject their grandfather and get help, and they’ve become even closer ever since, basically inseparable. (Which to me makes the fact I ship them both with TWINS hilarious. Actually damn, that whole thing reminds me a lot of Saeran attacking Saeyoung too because of his mental state and Saeyoung being the one to help him anyway. I’m starting to understand why I ship them with the twins).

 … hope you don’t regret asking, anon x’DD

[chiyoumen]

Two Faced | Chapter 3: Inseparable

Angst | Hurt, no comfort | Jealousy | Denial 

I wasn’t able to get to my computer to post chapter 3 here on tumblr, but here it is now (for anyone who is past meeting Ren and hasn’t read this chapter on Ao3 yet lmao)

Summary:

Neither of them expected their reunion to be so... Bleak. Distance had given them both false expectations and changes in perception. The contact high had faded, and so had their victories.

Ren keeps his stead fast desire for treasure, and Ryo keeps his desire for justice, and peace. The conflict lay in their want for one another... Of which they both further deny.

But, Ren knows he needs Ryo to reach his goals, whether he cared about him or not... Their disappointing reunion left them both feeling raw.

What happens when he eavesdrops, and finds how Ryo speaks about him to other people?

What happens when he hears him flirting with another man?

Notes:

There is, of course, major spoilers for Shenmue III from this point on. Future chapters are planned, and will hopefully make it out as I replay the game again. 

This chapter is based on the meeting with Ren in Niaowu, which was far more mundane than I expected. But it gave me something to work with, so here we are. It also involved the scene after they meet, where Ryo talks to Shenhua about him, and then calling some people, since I had the international calling card. 

Major thanks to everyone who's commented, left kudos, and sent asks to me about this, or generally read this and supported in any way. Your support keeps this alive and I greatly appreciate it!

Hope you enjoy!

[Inseparable]

"He really liked you, didn't he?"

Honestly, he wasn't so sure about Joy's observation. Whenever he was around Ren, there was a palpable tension. The kiss they shared, the memories... The moment he felt strongest was at the top of the yellow head building, Ren's hand upon his shoulder, staring off into the sunset sky as Lan Di got away. He felt nearly defeated when Lan Di had escaped. But there was much more in that moment. He felt so close - like he could truly accomplish finding his father's killer.

And now... He was beginning to feel more alone than ever. While his relationship with Shenhua had grown, and he felt safe with her, she was... Comfortable. He didn't know how else to put that. She was innocent, and he was scared of her seeing more of the world than necessary - but she'd made her choice to follow him. He couldn't blame her for wanting to save her father... And he absolutely wanted to help. She was by no means weak, but she was quite naive.

Ren following him to China was something he'd anticipated, but he hadn't allowed himself to think on it too much. What if he hadn't shown up? He couldn't let himself feel that disappointment.

But he had shown up.

"Is that really all I get!?"

Ryo's heart practically punched through his chest when he heard that abrasive voice slice through the crowds and busy vendors. Ryo saw him the moment he turned the corner and did not hesitate to approach.

"THIS much." Ryo watched him gesture a large amount, "I want THIIIS much."

"Ren-" He tried to push through Ren's argument with the vendor.

Finally, he was here again. But he didn't turn around. He was just shouting about noodles and how stingy the vendor was being... This wasn't surprising.

"Ren!" Ryo needed to be heard.

Ren turned and face him, his heart leaping in frustration over the situation, words slipping from his lips because he did not want this to happen now, "Oh, for crying out loud!"

Play it cool, play it cool. You didn't follow him across China only out of worry. Right, money. That was the main reason, duh. Screw any other reason, honestly. It was the truth, just... Not the whole truth.

"What are you doing here?" Ryo asked, as if he hadn't known Ren would follow him all along.

"What's it look like I'm doing?" Ren gestured to the stand multiple times, "I'm buying some chow mein!"

Ryo glared, "This is no time for jokes."

Ren drew his hands up, taking a step back, that scowl always made his heart skip, "Oh, there you go with that scary face again."

Ryo stepped closer, grabbing Ren's full attention, at least for a moment, "What the hell are you doing in Niaowu?"

'Say it,' Ryo plead internally, 'say you actually care for once, damn it.'

Ren stared at him for a moment, and the smirk that grew on Ren's face made Ryo scared to hear what he was about to say.

"You remember hearing Zhu Yuanda's story back in Kowloon?" Ren wagged his finger upward, and as he finished his statement, he couldn't bear to keep looking at Ryo, and darted his eyes away. Focus on anything else.

Ryo glared instantly, "About what?"

'Please don't say treasure.' Ryo thought, but it was cut off by exactly what he didn't want.

"Treasure!"

'Bastard.' he internally replied, glaring a little.

"I'm talking about treasure!" Ren hissed, briefly raising his fist to him to prove his sure, rock-steady stance on exactly what he was after. But he couldn't look at Ryo anymore, or that rock wall of a facade may crumble. So he turned away, unable to avoid the tension when Ryo lingered closer despite his move away, "The scent is so strong I can practically smell it..."

Ryo sighed, turning his head to stare at the ground. Ren really wasn't as good as he'd built him up to be. In the end, Ryo didn't give a damn about treasure. He wanted vengeance, justice, and eventually peace, and while he had thought Ren cared about that - he very clearly didn't.

"You..." Ryo's voice dropped, trailing off.

He shouldn't have been surprised.

Ren looked back to him, brow raising at Ryo's sudden downcast appearance. Damn. It worked. Ryo couldn't see through anything.

Ren stretched his arms back in the most nonchalant manner he could, deciding that he really didn't want to deal with the aftermath of this encounter. It wasn't his fault that Ryo showed up unexpectedly, he wasn't prepared! And now the kid was upset. Whatever. Ryo could handle himself.

"I'm gonna walk around some more." He flashed a fake, crooked smile at Ryo as he backed away, waving, abrupt and awkward, completely disregarding why he had been at the noodle stand in the first place, "See ya."

As Ryo glared at his back, he hadn't the faintest idea that Ren could be cursing himself mentally the entire time he walked away. Instead, Ryo was wondering how the Hell they'd gotten so close - only for it to be torn away to shreds and crumble so quickly... They'd only been apart a few weeks, but perhaps that was enough to put all their pain and differences in perspective. Or at least remind Ren what his real goal was.

"That Ren could easily pass for a red snake..." He sighed, mumbling to himself, "Guess I should head back to the bustling diner I go." He'd said it loudly in a last ditch effort to tell Ren where he'd be. But the man didn't even acknowledge him.

Ryo's heart had sunk into his stomach, any attempt at staying positive was gone, and he hadn't moved away from their meeting spot right away. He had a feeling that they both knew they'd see one another again - but this was not what he'd been anticipating... And Ren felt as cold as ever. That smirk of his was the same yet it felt so false and hollow. He felt more like the man he met the tried to stab him right off the bat... He felt like that same broken thug he distrusted, and needed to go to for help. He no longer felt the man who spoke up against his cool demeanor, the man who helped him when he didn't need to... the man he'd kissed.

He felt used.

Ryo's fists clenched tightly with his anger, rage brimming his eyes with tears. He'd tried to avoid disappointing himself with thoughts of their reunion - yet this was worse than he'd tried not to imagine. This hurt.

"Damn it..." He muttered inaudibly through gritted teeth, watching Ren's pony tail lightly chase him in the air as he walked away, "Damn you!"

Ren was thinking the same words.

There was nothing about their reunion that felt good - aside from the initial excitement of hearing Ryo call his name. But he was hungry and cranky, not only that, he hadn't expected Ryo to find him in the middle of a vendor's market. This was not going right. This was awful. He couldn't have possibly played it off any worse. Whatever, he really was there to find treasure! Not that he thought Ryo believed that anymore.

Did he care? Sure. Should he? Absolutely not. He had a job to do, and his number one goal was to become rich beyond his wildest dreams. It wasn't his fault that some dumb, passionate kid made him feel a thing or two. It's not like he hadn't slept with people or had brief flings without a second thought before. This was just like that. This was only that...

Being in an actual, public relationship with another man would be a scary prospect at best. Ren had a fondness for women too, but was by no means traditional, nor did he really care about the public opinion. He liked who he liked, despite sexual activity between men being illegal in his hometown. But fuck staying there, anyway, how boring. And since when did he care about any law he didn't want to follow? Boom, problem solved. But only the gods knew how Ryo might feel about that sort of thing. He had no idea how Japanese culture worked when it came to... All of that.

Gods, he was thinking too much. Headache central.

Although... None of it meant he had to be so cold to Ryo.

Maybe he should try again...? He already knew where Ryo was staying, perhaps he could try and stop by, change things. He didn't have to, and he had shit to do, but what good was any of this if Ryo remained pissed at him? There wasn't going to be any treasure, and there wasn't gonna be any glory if he couldn't tail it off the damn kid.

Yeah, that was his rationale.

Ren sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose as he walked along the riverside. Yes, he fucked up. He had to do something. Like fixing a business partnership, right? Damn.

Not too long after their fleeting reunion, Ren made the decision to find Ryo in the Niaowu hotel. He'd been waiting for a while, and it was nearly nine. With a disgruntled groan, he headed into the lobby bathroom, annoyed at Ryo for making him wait so damn long...

Now, he wasn't usually the type to hype himself up, and he felt like an idiot doing so, mumbling under his breath. 'You can do this, he's just a dumb kid, he'll forgive you, this isn't a big deal. You don't even need to ask the idiot.' That was good enough right?

He stared at his hands for a moment, releasing a slow sigh. Gods, he was tired. Getting here hadn't been easy, and now, being here wasn't easy.

Adjusting his bandanna, he moved to leave the restroom.

He froze briefly when he heard Ryo's voice out front. Ren was about ready to push himself ahead, go catch him, talk to him, but he changed his mind the instant he heard a woman respond to him. He snaked against the wall, keeping himself pressed against it as he neared the corner, briefly peeking out to see Ryo sit down with a young, beautiful girl. How strange was that? A girl? Really?

Ren scowled, and moved back against the wall. He was in no way above eavesdropping. He hadn't heard the beginning of their conversation clearly.

Ryo was always awkward, but even more so when he spoke to women.

"Have you found anything?" The woman asked, a delicate, sweet voice reaching their ears.

"Hm. Nothing... New." Ryo replied.

She seemed disappointed, but resigned to patience, "Okay..."

"I..." Ryo paused on and off, as if he wasn't sure he wanted to tell her this, "Met someone... Unexpected, though."

Unexpected in the way he ran into him, not entirely unexpected, as he knew he'd see him eventually.

"Oh, who?" The woman replied.

"A man I met in Hong Kong, named Ren."

Ren's heart skipped, cold sweat beading throughout his skin.

"Ren, huh?" The girl seemed curious, "Is he a friend of yours?"

Neither of them knew the answer to that. But Ryo's response forced Ren into a state of anger that he had to swallow like a dry rock.

"Not... exactly.

Excuse you, kid?

"I keep my guard up when he's around."

'Seriously?' Ren glowered internally, 'After all I've done?'

"So..." She pushed for clarification, "He's a bad guy?"

"Uhm..."

Ren's entire body was washed over in a cold ice.

"Yeah, actually. He is."

Ren's hands balled into fists as he attempted to slow down his rapid breaths. He wasn't going to disagree when he was called a thug, or a jerk, or a snake. But he wasn't a bad guy! ...Was he? No! He was just trying to make a damn living in this harsh environment. One that he was born into and wasn't his fault to begin with!

Yet, his anger was lightly soothed, softened a little upon hearing, "But... We can trust him?"

"Well, yeah... We just have to watch our backs is all."

It was something. But not enough to completely quell the heaviness and heat weighing on him now.

"O...Kay?" She seemed just as confused about the two's relationship as they did.

So... Was that really how Ryo felt about him...?

Ren felt lost in a dizzying heart palpitation. He couldn't find his breath anymore, until he somehow forced a shaky one into his lungs. His nails were digging into his palms, only protected by the fabric of his gloves. He really was a bad guy, wasn't he? He's a thug, a villain, and Ryo had only needed him for help. Never took him for the using people sort, but maybe Ryo wasn't as innocent as anyone liked to believe...

With a start, Ren realized he needed to hide better as the girl passed by, toward the stairs. He slid down the hall, cautious, quick, and careful. He pushed himself off the wall to hide behind the corner in front of the bathroom door, still hidden.

He listened to Ryo and the girl bid each other a good night, and he peeked out very carefully to see if Ryo followed her. He felt some sense of relief when Ryo didn't tail her - but panicked when he almost turned his way. He hid again, and he wasn't spotted. All Ren ended up hearing was the sound of a phone being picked up - and Ryo beginning to dial a number.

Well, he certainly didn't want to apologize now anyway. If he wanted a bag guy, he was going to see one. Bad guys don't apologize, bad guys don't do rescue missions. But Ren had to stay put, there was no way he was going to sneak past Ryo while he was on the phone - Lords knew the damn hotel woman might say something.

But again... Ren was not above eaves dropping. Slowly, he lowered himself to the floor, closing his eyes as he sat on the ground and listened.

"Joy?"

Joy. Joy!? Why of all people would he call Joy? Either way, at first it was a typical greeting, boring the crap out of Ren already. He leaned his head back against the wall, and waited.

But his head shot up when Ryo began talking about him, yet again.

"I ran into Ren here..."

Yeesh, don't say it so dryly.

"Yeah..." He paused, "Play nice? With Ren?"

Ren grimaced to himself. But hey, he wasn't much one for playing nice either. Fair. But the next statement wasn't.

"Don't make me laugh. Nobody would make a great team with him."

'Wow, thanks.' Ren bit back that sarcastic statement, by literally biting his lip, 'Least I'm a leader. I've got people waiting for orders. Tsk.'

"He's only interested in treasure! Treasure is about the last thing I'm after."

Ren's hand hesitantly met his face, rubbing his temples with his thumb and forefinger. This was a nightmare. Ryo was both completely right and wrong at the same time. Ren's desperation for power and riches completely conflicted with the way his heart was beating right then, with the way he wanted to yell at him for being such a damn idiot, for disregarding his actions and taking priory over his words... Not that he was about to admit a damn thing.

Though the way Ryo spoke next put a dent in his lost thoughts, "A... blast? With Ren? Really?"

Ren peeked out again, nearly crawling to look that annoyingly far around the corner, too quickly, almost making a sound. It was difficult to see him, but he'd stepped back enough. Either the lighting had changed, or Ryo's face had become flushed with red... Ren knew his face matched.

But Ryo scowled, "Give me a break."

Oh, what Ren wouldn't do to hear Joy's side of the conversation. She knew him, she knew him more than he liked to admit... She was gonna weasel his feelings out without being blunt, wasn't she? But Ryo was convinced that he didn't care now, and Joy may have made him flustered, but that didn't change anything!

They shared a kiss! How the hell was he so damn convinced he didn't care? Gods, what kind of a mess had he gotten himself into... Sure, he was the type to run off and do reckless things... But chasing a boy across China? What the fuck was he thinking? At least his friends didn't seem surprised. Wong and Joy may have been able to read him like an open book, but any of his men? Nah. They expected him to chase the scent of money, hell, they trusted him to do so. Of course he'd go running off at the statement 'treasures of the Qing dynasty.' It was a priority to him... Ryo was merely a benefit to the chase. Yeah. That was all. It was better to look at a pretty boy (and potentially a pretty girl now, too) on the trail to gold than fight along side a ton of old geezers. Uhg.

Ren had been lost in thought, and he hadn't realized that Ryo was talking to someone else already. They had been talking for a moment already, and Ren hadn't caught on until he heard...

"Naturally, I didn't do it alone. I was with a few friends I made back in Hong Kong."

Ren peeked up a little again. But scowled, were they friends or not? And who was he talking to!? Yeesh. And he thought he was the hot and cold one.  

Ren stood again, moving a little bit further in when he realized Ryo had moved closer to the phone, his voice more on a hush-hush level. Whoever was on the other end of the line must have been someone who knew of Ryo's path and all that was going on... He wanted to keep it private.

"They were at least trustworthy, but they couldn't hold a candle to you..."

Ren froze in place, staring at Ryo's profile with wide eyes and a sneer. Ohhh no. No, no. Ren knew that tone. That extremely subtle flirting. That damn tease - so similar to the way he spoke his name, the very thing that drove him up a damn wall. Ren gritted his teeth, knowing he was going to get a headache after all of this. There was no way he was talking to a girl, either. He could never be that suave with a woman.

"There were so many times when I wondered, what if I'd brought you with me to Hong Kong..."

Ren felt his stomach drop, every part of him washed with cold again...

That smile in Ryo's voice, that genuine care, who the hell was it on the other line!?

"Yeah, why?" Ryo muttered, a gentle lull to his tone.

No, no, maybe it was just a friend. Maybe he just knew that person really well. Maybe it was a brother or something? That had to be it. Ryo couldn't possibly talk to someone like that in a flirtatious manner... But he did hear a masculine tone on the other line as he stepped closer, pressed back against the wall.

"Are you blushing, Guizhang?"

Guizhang!? Who the fuck is Guizhang!? If he'd been told, he'd completely forgotten. But now, whoever he was, he had his scorn.

Ren thought he'd already heard the worst crap he could possibly hear while eavesdropping. He was wrong. This took the cake, and the presents, and the house. His ears were ringing, vision tunnelling, and his heart felt like it was about to give. All the fury he'd ever felt seemed to rise back into every single fiber of his being all at once. All over a stupid kid and a stupid mystery phone man and a stupid treasure! It was all stupid, worthless, useless crap!

It took all of his willpower not to stomp up to Ryo right then and there to confront him. Who the hell did he think he was!? How could this possibly get any worse!? He knew confronting him would be far worse than keeping his mouth shut, and pretending he heard nothing inside the wall of Niaowu Hotel... And that's what he would do. Erase this night, erase the ideals he had, erase any promises in a devil's heart.

But he wasn't going to leave Niaowu empty handed, and that meant shoving his heart as far down as it could go, deep into the crevices of his own personal hell in hopes that no one would ever find it again.

It was only a matter of time before Ryo would need him, and Ren was going to make it as clear as possible - he wanted treasure. Nothing more, nothing less.

[diwyllianwrites]

CHARACTER CHART:

Character’s full name: Matías Felipe Belmonte Reason or meaning of name: The meaning of the name “Matias” is: “Gift of God”. Additional information: The boy name Matias is a biblical name, a Spanish and Finnish form of Matthew, from the Greek Matthaios, found in the New Testament of the Bible, used for the Evangelist and Apostle Matthew, the author of the first Gospel. Character’s nickname: None, thus far Reason for nickname: -- Birth date: August 17

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE:

Age: 38 How old does he/she appear: About the same, I’d say.  Height: 169 cm  Eye color: Brown Glasses or contacts: Has to wear glasses whilst driving Skin tone: Olive  Distinguishing marks: Has some older scars on his arms/wrist area from his teenage years of dealing with his OCD. Anxious scratching. He doesn’t really try to hide them but also doesn’t wave it around either.  Predominant features: Freckles, his chin Hair color: Black Type of hair: Thick and wavy, almost curly Hairstyle: Usually has his hair styled up one way or another Disabilities: OCD, anxiety and color blindness  Usual fashion of dress: Dapper, but in a casual sense. Wears clean and pressed shirts and dress pants. Tries not to overdo it with colors since he can’t see them.  Favorite outfit: Opposite to what he usually wears though, Matías owns a rather colorful suit that he brings out on the occasional fancy meet and greet. It’s usually for exhibits and other tidbits when he feels like it’s more necessary for him to match up with his art.  Jewelry or accessories: Wears a bracelet Pollux gave him after he moved in. 

PERSONALITY:

Good personality traits: Generous, Loyal, Patient, Creative Bad personality traits: Compulsive, Anxious, Naïve, Insecure Mood character is most often in: He’s most often in a good mood Sense of humor: Depends on who he’s with, but usually he’s on the humble side. He likes to poke fun at social standards, gender roles and sometimes do those type of jokes you’d expect from an older person. His jokes are often harmless and doesn’t come at the expense of others.  Character’s greatest joy in life: Art and his family Character’s greatest fear: Not being able to fend for said family.  Why?: Being an artist is time consuming and sometimes doesn’t pay well. He’s the one that has offered his children a home and he wants them to be able to grow up in a stable environment. His OCD often play on this fear of his, especially when it comes to his own art and the level of perfection he feels he has to meet.   What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil?: Character is most at ease when: At home in his studio, working or watching a movie with any of the kids.  Most ill at ease when: Dealing with deadlines, talking about his older brother, when his OCD act up Enraged when: It’s really hard to make Matías enraged?? He’s usually annoyed or disappointed at best, you’d have to push it damn far for that.  Depressed or sad when: Same with this  Priorities: Getting an income and making sure the kids have a good childhood.  Life philosophy: Matías generally likes to live by the golden rule, of giving what he wants given.  If granted one wish, it would be: He’d like to get rid of his OCD. It’s not as big of a hindrance as it used to be, but still gets him in trouble sometimes. Why?: Because it gets in the way of him enjoying his own work and steals a lot of time. It basically forces him to go through a ritual before and after he works on his art pieces and if he messes up or if someone interrupts he could end up trashing the whole art piece -- thus needing to start over. It’s expensive at that, art supplies don’t come cheap.  Character’s soft spot: I feel like that’s obvious by now.  Is this soft spot obvious to others?: Yes. Greatest strength: His patience and generosity towards people, he’s overall a great person to lean on if you got troubles or need help with anything.  Greatest vulnerability or weakness: However, it’s also a weakness as it’s easy to take advantage of a soft soul and his brother already proved that point.  Biggest regret: Letting his brother set up business through him, thus helping him network and possibly scam others.  Minor regret: He always lowkey regets throwing away his art work, but it cannot be helped.  Biggest accomplishment: His career! Minor accomplishment: Keeping his house tidy with five people living in it Character’s darkest secret: Matías doesn’t really have a dark secret, unless you count his brother being in jail etc.  Does anyone else know?: It was definitely in the news at the time of his arrest so I’d say a lot of people know, at least if they’re from Kelowna. 

GOALS:

Drives and motivations: Besides his family and career, Matías is highly driven towards pushing more information about color blindness and making society more accessible to those that have a harder time reading and seeing colors. He does the occasional speech and educational seminar when he has time to spare.  Immediate goals: Catch up with all his deadlines.  Long term goals: Have a stable future, watch his kids grow up, work on his OCD.  How the character plans to accomplish these goals: Hard work and dedication.  How other characters will be affected: Not much, it’s mostly a thing of his own. 

FAVORITES:

Color: Matías mostly see the world in tints of red with some green mixed between and thus he tend to appreciate his narrow color spectrum as a whole. Music: Honestly, he will play anything by Gloria Estefan and Tina Turner on repeat. Food: Can always go for a good meat stew or an avocado toast Literature: Perfume by Patrick Süskind, but usually tend to read magazines rather than books. Form of entertainment: Reads, paints, sometimes tries to further some skill he’s been trying out.  Mode of transportation: Walks whenever he can, otherwise a car

HABITS:

Hobbies: Same as with his entertainment.  Plays a musical instrument?: He doesn’t play one fully, but he has definitely tried a few out of curiosity. Flute, guitar and harmonica for some.  Plays a sport?: Nope. How he/she would spend a rainy day: Probably working in his studio or helping the kids with their homework. He also tends to do some crafting with Lillian or listens to Pollux as he rants on about astrology.  Spending habits: Stays within his budget, doesn’t buy thing he doesn’t need just for the sake of having it.  Smokes: Water pipes yes. Drinks: On the occasion, not a huge fan.  Other drugs: Only medication.  What does he/she do too much of?: Dwell and worry about petty things.  What does he/she do too little of?: Speak up and take space.  Extremely skilled at: Painting Extremely unskilled at: Decorating Nervous tics: Scratching or pulling/fiddling Usual body posture: Seems relaxed but tend to sit and stand upright, open and welcoming  Mannerisms: Calm and collected, pensive

TRAITS:

Optimist or pessimist?: Optimist Introvert or extrovert?: Ambivert  Daredevil or cautious?: Cautious, but doesn’t stray away from trying new things Logical or emotional?: Logical but can let emotions override depending on the situation  Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat?: Methodical and neat Prefers working or relaxing?: Working Confident or unsure of himself/herself?: Unsure  Animal lover?: Yes! He doesn’t have time for animals but Natalie has a pair of rats and Pollux owns a hamster he tend to help out with. 

SELF-PERCEPTION:

How he/she feels about himself/herself: Matías feels neutral when it comes to himself. He doesn’t hold hold himself to a standard of importance but neither is he riddled with self-hatred. He finds that he fills the role of support for a lot of people and quite often so enjoy it.  One word the character would use to describe self: Caring What does the character consider his/her best personality trait?: Being level headed What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait?: Being naïve How does the character think others perceive him/her: Matías thinks other people view him as someone who has his whole life in order, someone who is lucky to have a career that he loves and a big family to rely on. He’s a person with a warm aura and wise thoughts to share. Most end up fond of him and find him reliable.  What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: Besides the OCD etc I feel like Matías would like it if he gained some more courage and the ability to stand up to himself. He’s not really the type of person who wants to jump into conflicts or argue with people. Due to his childhood he prefers to stay low and out of the way of others. 

RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS:

Opinion of other people in general: He enjoys the company of others, especially those that hold similar values or ways of life.  Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others?: Yes, as mentioned he doesn’t like conflicts and prefer to paint over or avoid a subject if it’s a cause of problem. He, of course, has matters he’s vocal about but generally so he keeps it on the low and on the friendly side.  Person character most hates: He cannot stand his brother any longer.  Person character goes to for advice: Miguel  Person character feels responsible for or takes care of: His adoptive children Person character feels shy or awkward around: None, yet Person character openly admires: His best friend Silas Person character secretly admires: None, yet

[embersrevived]

Questions Meme 

Tagged By: @sunflowercecil​

1. What is your name? “Nadir Darvish.” 

2. Do you know why you’re named that?” “Well ... I believe my parents specifically wanted their first and only child to have a name that either honored an important aspect of Parzian culture and tradition or was an homage to a renowned monarch in Parzian history, and eventually they decided on the latter. Nadir (Nader) Shah, if I recall correctly, was a king from a former dynasty who was renowned for his ingenuity and acumen, both as a statesman and military general. His military campaigns and exploits during his reign were so great that he has actually been dubbed ‘the second Alexander’ by some historians. I think my parents had been betting on having a male child at first, but then just decided to roll with it after I was born, haha.”

“Funny thing is, a lot of people just automatically assume that my name is meant to be some sort of ‘edgy’ moniker, like the antithesis of the word ‘zenith’ or something when that actually isn’t the case. Though that certainly doesn’t mean I appreciate the endearing little opposite-nickname that I was recently given, Zen-Zen, any less...~”  She furtively winks at @plague-doctor-jules

3. Are you single or taken? “Single. as a Pringle” 

4. Have any abilities or powers?

“Besides bringing all around me to their knees groaning with my tacky humor? Well ... incantation-wise, I feel I am somewhat proficient in spells that have to do with small-scale, temporary immobilization, like temporary stunning. Though I really refrain from utilizing such spells unless I truly feel the need to do so. The stunning spells really only are effective on small creatures, e.g. rats, roaches, etc. that I feel need to be halted in their tracks before being able to deal with them accordingly. Also some might argue that my horrendous jokes and puns constitute some sort of low-key ‘evil’ ability in themselves, haha.”

5. Stop being a Mary Sue.

“Stop being an ‘idealized, seemingly perfect character? ... Hahahaha! How droll of you, when everyone knows that I’m practically the most awkward and gauche potato turtle in this here town. That’s a facetious jab at how I’m actually the complete and utter opposite of that, right? Right, it must be.” 

6. What’s your eye colour? “Very dark brown.” 

7. How about your hair colour?

“Very dark brunette, almost appearing even black from a distance.”

8. Have any family members?

“Yes, my mother and father, Setareh and Bardiya,  along with my maternal grandmother and grandfather, Roshanak and Cyrus. No siblings, though. I think after I was born, my parents decided that one was more than enough, hahaha ... I’ve been told that I was quite the troublesome little stinker as a tot.” 

9. Oh! How about pets?

“Well, I’m not sure if I should go about referring to my familiar as a pet, but my  albeit adorable call duck, Ordak is the only one I have currently. Back when I lived with my parents and not the magic shop, I did used to own a boisterous blue budgie, though ... someone forgot to close the door to his cage, and the little poopsie just chirped his wee heart out before suddenly taking off, never to be seen or heard from again.” 

10. That’s cool, I guess, now tell me something you don’t like.

“Well ... I must admit I don’t really appreciate people who are overly snippy or snarky just for the sake of it when it isn’t really necessary, or because they find it ‘quirky’, ‘trendy’, or ‘edgy’ to do so. Basically people who show little consideration for others’ feelings in general, especially if they do so because they believe their elevated social status or sense of ego gives them a pass to do so. And people who just find it absolutely acceptable to do away completely with common courtesy when dealing or speaking with you just because they decide they don’t like, click with, or understand you as a person, or they personally find some attributes of yours irksome.”

“I mean, I feel you must always at least try to put a conscious effort into politely and tactfully dealing with even those you don’t jive well with or like much, I think. Especially because there will always be people you find yourself not being overly fond of, or who aren’t overly fond of you, there is just too much effort and negative energy to be put into going out of one’s way to not be civil towards others, at least initially.” 

“Also overly arrogant and condescending individuals, lord knows I’ve dealt with more than a fair share of those in my time, both in and out of  the realm of academia. Overly pretentious and critical individuals in general also. Though ... perhaps I have been too verbose and ranty in giving this answer, I do apologize. I ... I do tend to talk a lot, haha. In summation: just overly inconsiderate individuals in general.” 

11. Do you have any hobbies/activities that you like to do?

“Writing poetry at times, sketching, drawing, reading, occasionally engaging in mischievous antics, etc. ...” 

12. Have you ever hurt anyone in any way before?

“Oh, I’m sure ... I mean, I have certainly gotten into disagreements and all that with people in the past, and in doing so the distressed, angry tone that I may have utilized in the heat of it all may have hurt some feelings in the past. And I’d almost always feel some sort of guilt afterwards, even if things wound up being patched up and resolved betwixt myself and the individual with whom I’d had the spat. Though it is never my intention to go out of my way to make anyone feel badly about themselves or hurt anyone’s feelings.”

“But if you meant physically, no I don’t think - ... Wait. Wait. That one time, when the Ginger Floof  Julian barged into the shop and scared the bejeezus out of me with his overly dramatic, villainous entrance, of course how could I so easily forget ...” However, she does avert her gaze to the ground in shame as she recalls the events of that fateful night. “Well ... I did hurt Julian that ... one time when I threw that glass bottle during the invasion that one night, but I ... I didn’t know who he was at the time, and I certainly had zero idea as to what his intentions were ... though that doesn’t mean I don’t still feel the occasional pang of guilt, especially when I specifically recall that graphic image of the blood pooling and dripping down his cheek as a result of the injury inflicted around his eye.”

A sad, remorseful look engulfs the apprentice’s face before she snaps out of the flashback. “Ah ... I do apologize, ehr ... next question, please.” 

13. Ever… killed anyone before?

“No. Though I’ve perhaps come close to doing so with my barrage of gods-awful puns” 

14. What kind of animal are you?

“I have been told by a few in the past that because of my more timid nature, I can be akin to a small rodent, like a mouse or a hamster, at times. Though my familiar is currently a wee baby call duckling who, though rather sweet and cute, can be quite the boisterous little stinker at times, which I’ve been told is apparently another side of me that is ‘unlocked’ once I get to know people and am coaxed out of my shell. So I guess it’s somewhat fitting in that sense, haha.” 

15. Name your worst habits?

“I tend to become distracted fairly easily, I reluctantly admit. Also, I ... I tend to allow my insecurities and anxieties take control and cause me to make decisions or act in ways that ultimately prove to be counterproductive. Also over analyzing things, people, and situations almost to the point of obsession, to the point where I find myself often skeptical and cynical of other’s motives and sincerity, allowing my insecurities and fears to hinder and inhibit me mentally and socially.” 

16. Do you look up to anyone?

“I look up to any individual who remains steadfast and dedicated to their cause or line of work, whether it be academic, scientific, humanitarian, etc. in nature, and shows a genuine interest in acquiring knowledge in their selected field of interest and applying that knowledge for the betterment of others. I admire anyone who has defined themselves and devoted their purpose to the likes of altruism, benevolence, and kindness. A certain auburn-haired, fugitive physician would be the quintessential example of this, along with his lovely and equally sweet sister.” 

“I also admire those who yet manage to be levelheaded and resolute in the face of adverse situations, those who seem to know how to improvise, adapt, and persist in the face of any given hardship, or who devote themselves to supporting and assisting others finding themselves in such situations. My father comes to mind.”

17. Are you straight, gay, or bisexual?

“I believe I’m straight ... Though these sorts of things have been said to not be entirely black and white, with it being a spectrum and all, so who can really say for sure?” 

18. Do you go to school?

“Been there, done that, haha.” 

19. Ever wanted to marry and have kids one day?

“I’ve never even really ... been in a relationship before, so I must admit that the thought of marriage has been a more distant one, and children even more so. One step at a time I guess? Ahahahaha ...” Sweat drop. 

“Though me, in any sort of relationship, with my awkward and anxious tendencies? Is that even possible” 

20. Do you have any fans?

“Why yes, I do as a matter of fact.~” And with that, she proceeds to whip out an intricately designed, vibrantly hued hand fan that Asra had brought her back from one of his previous travels. And yes, she knows very well that is not quite what the question meant. Something of a cheeky grin forms on her visage shortly after giving this response. 

21. What are you most afraid of?

“...Failure. My internalized insecurities and anxieties mentally obstructing my path and goals and clouding my vision and perception of the future. Not being good enough, ineptitude, then possibly dying after having ultimately accomplished little more than becoming carrion for the microbes and worms to feast upon. ... Wow, that definitely came out darker than I had initially intended, ehr ... sorry about that.” 

22. What do you usually wear?

“Ah, just the usual casual dresses, shirts, and pants, truthfully nothing fancy in the least.” 

23. What’s one food that tempts you?

“Ohh ... I’m sure there are a myriad of dishes that could be used to answer this, but if I had to settle on one? Pomegranate chicken, especially like my mother makes it, especially when coupled with this fizzy carbonated yogurt beverage that we have back home in Parzia ... you’d have to actually see and try it if you don’t know what I’m referring to, haha; it sounds a bit weird to those who didn’t grow up with it.” 

24. Am I annoying to you?

“Ah, no, not at all ... am I annoying to you? I do hope ... that I haven’t been overly loquacious or rambling in giving my answers? If so, my apologies.” 

25. Well, it’s still not over!

“Aha, great. Wait ... that wasn’t meant sardonically, I promise, a-apologies if it came out sounding like that. Please continue.” 

26. What social class are you?

“I’d say more of the middle class, perhaps more on the lower end. Though we know that in the eyes of a certain gilded and flamboyant noble, that we are all seen equally as commoners and peasants, haha.” 

27. How many friends do you have?

“Uh ... well, I definitely consider Mas- ... I mean Asra to be a kind companion and friend ... and then there is Julian, whose company I’ve come to be rather at ease with to the point of engaging in regular banter and teasing. Portia is positively delightful and lovely as well. The Devorak duo is a true blessing, seriously. Such sweet, benevolent siblings. Selasi is rather amiable too, and I’ve had many a pleasant conversation with him every time I venture out into the market. Nadia has always been kind and polite to me, though I am not too sure if she’d regard me as a ‘friend’ just yet ... And I don’t think Muriel likes me very much, unfortunately.” 

28. What are your thoughts on pie?

“Aha, I’m not picky at all when it comes to saccharine treats, I pretty much think they’re all savory, cakes, pies, candies, etc. Though that doesn’t mean I indulge myself in them of course, haha. Certainly could do without anymore junk in the trunk” 

29. Favourite drink?

“Something known as the Parzian fizzy yogurt drink, basically exactly what the name says, plain yogurt mixed with carbonated water, with a pinch of salt and some mint to top it off.” 

30. What’s your favourite place?

“I don’t have one favorite place, to be honest ... Basically any place that is picturesque, serene, and allows me to pacify my nerves and be alone with my thoughts and away from the commotion of the general public, I guess. And I also must admit that the forbidden gardens in the abandoned courtyard that I visited with Julian that one time were quite lovely, I certainly wouldn’t mind revisiting that place.” 

31. Are you interested in anyone?

“Er ... W-well, I’m interested in a lot of people! Each and every individual has their own intriguing persona, a-after all ... Especially those towering, swaggering, cockily grinning types who tease yet become tomato-blushing, flustered messes the instant you give them even the smallest sample of their own medicine.” 

32. That was a stupid question…

“Ah, no, not really actually...” 

33. Would you rather swim in a lake or the ocean?

“The lake, at least I’m less likely to be encountering any aquatic creatures bearing sharp teeth in a freshwater body as opposed to the saline, haha. Also already having to experience one type of “shark week” is more than enough.” 

34. What’s your type?

“Er ... Well, I guess just someone who’s kind, sincere, considerate, with a good sense of humor. Because honestly, even if someone is generally perceived as being ‘classically attractive’ or whatnot, it really matters little if their personality is unpleasant or lacking in general. To be honest, I really don’t have a specific ‘type’ so to speak...” 

35. Any fetishes?

Something of a dumbfounded expression appears on the apprentice’s face, though she is quick to vehemently shake her head. “What? Uhhh .... no? Not that I ... know of? No. Ahem, next question, if you please.” A crimson hue proceeds to engulf her cheeks. 

36. Camping or outdoors?

“Uhh ... wait, camping takes place outdoors? ... Unless you mean camping vs. just walking about and enjoying the outdoors in general, in which case I must say the latter. Just ... the thought of all sorts and species of creepy crawlies clambering over me while I’m trying to sleep in a tent would make camping the less preferable option.” 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tagging: @plague-doctor-jules​ @conceitedxglory​ @nevivorona​ @asrage​ @humortremors​ @caesiis​ @unlicensedmartyr​ @bluemoontm​ @mnemosys​ @bitters-enthusiast @strsha

Questions: 

1. What is your name?

2. Do you know why you’re named that?”

3. Are you single or taken?

4. Have any abilities or powers?

5. Stop being a Mary Sue.

6. What’s your eye colour?

7. How about your hair colour?

8. Have any family members?

9. Oh! How about pets?

10. That’s cool, I guess, now tell me something you don’t like.

11. Do you have any hobbies/activities that you like to do?

12. Have you ever hurt anyone in any way before?

13. Ever… killed anyone before?

14. What kind of animal are you?

15. Name your worst habits?

16. Do you look up to anyone?

17. Are you straight, gay, or bisexual?

18. Do you go to school?

19. Ever wanted to marry and have kids one day?

20. Do you have any fans?

21. What are you most afraid of?

22. What do you usually wear?

23. What’s one food that tempts you?

24. Am I annoying to you?

25. Well, it’s still not over!

26. What social class are you?

27. How many friends do you have?

28. What are your thoughts on pie?

29. Favourite drink?

30. What’s your favourite place?

31. Are you interested in anyone?

32. That was a stupid question…

33. Would you rather swim in a lake or the ocean?

34. What’s your type?

35. Any fetishes?

36. Camping or outdoors?

[bad-munchy-time-blog]

Firefly Bio

HI! This is the current info for my OC “Firefly”. I did not include her Bio as i will either write it separately or allow it to come together through the story I am currently working on. She’s my first My Hero Academia OC and i am actually really happy with how she turned out. This was my original concept of her that i scrapped weeks ago because I thought it was “Too much” or wouldn’t be a good story. My boyfriend helped me get the kinks out and now, here you go! I may post something on how much she changed from what was going to be her ‘original’ story sometime soon. But thank you all for taking the chance to read this, it really means a lot! Any questions, shoot an ask or messege me!

Birth Name: Jazz Neiman

Protection: Akihiro Hidaka

Hero Name: Firefly

Birthday: October 23rd

Age: 22

Gender: Female

Height: 5’7”

Weight: 130lbs

Hair Color: Brown, with a natural stripe of vibrant green along the center of her head in a Mohawk style (much like Ryuji Suguro)

Eye Color: Green

Blood Type: A

Quirk: Flash Blink

Status: Alive

Birthplace: New York, New York

 Family:

Mother: Diana Neiman

Status: Alive

 Father: Levi Neiman

Status: Deceased

 Accupation: Rookie Hero

Teams: N/A

Fighting Style: Hand to Hand

Description: Jazz is a small, beginner hero with the quirk “Flash Blink”, currently residing in New York.

Appearance: Jazz has natural brown hair with a natural green Mohawk running along the center of her head and rounded, green eyes. While attending U.A. her uniform consisted of a grey blazer with a white blouse underneath, green skirt with matching green leggings, completed with a pair of Chelsea boots. Her bookbag is a simple, grey messenger bag with numerous hero pins on it. She is physically fit to a degree. While strong she doesn’t have excessive muscle gain and has toned her body to a well maintained, athletic physique.

Her hero costume consists of a black turtleneck style jumpsuit, black tactical sports boots and a pair of green ski-like goggles. She also sports a half torso green vest and belt containing small melee weapons along with handcuffs and other apprehending gear. Complete with fingerless gloves that reach to her mid upper arm.

Personality: Jazz , while seeming mature for her age, is emotionally stunted due to treatment from her mother for many years. Often times her wishes to accomplish a goal are clouded as she struggles to decide what is more important. She wants desperately to live the life she believes her father would have wanted for her, but her view points are effected by her mothers mistreatment.

Jazz is afraid of altercations, primarily any instance involving someone of authority, When an issue arises she will often silence herself, swallowing down any words she wants to say in exchange for what the other wants to hear. This stems from years of being told to be silent and how to think.

When allowed to be herself and in a comfortable environment, she is rather bubbly and happy, wanting to learn about anything new around her or even gathering new information on an old subject. She is quick to show respect to those she feels deserve it and bite her tongue to those she feels aren’t worthy of it.

Often times, a goal is the best way to ensure she is on the right track, making it so she has a target to reach. This, however, backfires most times as she will throw safety and reason to the wind to obtain this goal by any means necessary to prove herself to however gave her that goal.

Abilities:

Flash Blink: By focusing on a set place in her line of sight, she is able to teleport instantly. This is often viewed by bystanders as a flash of neon green light at the point in where she once was, and again an instant later at her desired location. Her range varies, beginning at 30 meters. This distance shortens the more she uses her quirk, causing her to at times only be able to teleport 2 meters or less when she has run low on stamina. The shorter the distance, the less stamina she uses up.

Drawbacks: she must visually see where she is going. This means she cannot teleport around corners unless she has a way to see (I.E. window reflections, mirrors). Photographs also do not work as she must know where it is and have been there and see/seen. As well, teleporting behind enemies is rather difficult, as when she appears in her deisred spot, she will be facing what she was looking at (If she focuses on a wall behind an enemy to teleport to, she will appear facing the wall, not the enemy as she cannot see what their back looks like unless seen in a reflection).

Hand to Hand Combat: Firefly trained heavily in hand to hand combat after coming to the realization her quirk was not suited for combat. Her skill set lies in MMA, Jiu-Jitsu, common grappling techniques and minor gymnastics.

Stats

Power: 3/5 C

Speed: 5/5 A

Technique: 4/5: B

Intelligence: 3/5 C

Cooperativeness: 3/5 C

Equipment:

Goggles: Firefly’s main tool is a pair of green tinted, ski-style goggles that allow her to keep her eyes hidden so enemies cannot see which direction she is going to teleport to. These goggles are equipped with specialized rearview lenses that allow her a view of what is behind her.

Melee Weapons: Firefly possess a small array of weapons that can aid in hand to hand combat. These weapons range from extendable batons to brass knuckles and varies from time to time.

[magicalcrapulent]

Captain America and how he discards his title in CA:CW

Once I have lain in bed one morning and thought about CA:CW. Let’s just say that I have feelings about this movie. I analyzed the movie and Steve’s and Tony’s actions during the plot. I decided to write it down to order my thought, and it somehow became an essay (oops?). And now I want to share my new insights with the world; the insight that Captain America discards his title as Captain America as early as CA:CW.

Okay guys, hear me out! Captain America: Civil War is not about the Sokovia Accords or an argument between Steve and Tony. It’s much more than that underneath the surface. It’s about Steve’s abandonment of his Captain America persona. And this is how it goes:

What does Captain America stand for? Democracy and freedom. He is/was the ideal human being in terms of Nazi standards: big, blonde, blue eyes, intelligent, the perfect soldier. And he punched Hitler in the face. Why? Because it’s the right thing to do. Steve acts on the premise that what he does is good and right, because that’s what he’s been doing all this time since WW2, that’s why he was chosen for Project: Rebirth in the first place: because of his inherent goodness, and Steve delivered (rightfully so). He is used to do what is good and right, because that’s who he is, that’s what Captain America is, what he stands for: The Good Fight.

And then the Accords came. Suddenly somebody tells him that he was acting out of order, that his actions may not be as positive as he was led to believe. Of course he denies it for a while, but CA:CW is not really about the Accords, at least not for Steve. But by brushing those Accords aside he also starts brushing aside everything he stands for: Democracy and freedom. 117 nations decided that the Avengers couldn’t continue the way they were doing. 117 nations decided that they had enough of having an American team of ‘superheroes’ just come into their country, cause mayhem and then disappear again, leaving those nations in shambles, all in the name of the greater good. They had enough, and they used their rights and freedoms to do something against it. They stood up and said “It’s enough”. By denying those nations’ right to say ‘No’, by saying “The safest hands are our own”, by claiming everybody in a position of power is (basically)corrupt and has a secret agenda, Steve denies those countries’ freedom and democratic rights.

Steve is not completely wrong. He has personal experience with hidden agendas. Negative experiences. We have seen it in The Avengers and CA:TWS. SHIELD has, on multiple occasions, withheld information and had their own secret agenda and their reasoning wasn’t all that sound. It starts in The Avengers, where SHIELD lies to Steve’s face about clean energy while secretly making HYDRA weapons. This is the first crack in Steve’s trust towards the established power systems. The second is when the Security Council fires a nuke at Manhattan, at their own civil population. That is the second crack. The next one comes in CA:TWS. Already at the beginning Fury withheld mission parameters from him, and we can see how pissed Steve is that people are not telling him everything he (thinks he) needs to know. His trust is completely shattered when it turns out SHIELD was corrupted from the very beginning. HYDRA has grown inside Shield from the start, and it turns out for Steve that even the organization with the hidden agenda has even MORE hidden agendas. I think we can say that Steve worked for SHIELD because it is the only organization he marginally trusts (and knows), and he only continues to trust them after The Avengers is probably because they weren’t the ones who fired the nuke and they came clean to him when he confronted them with the hidden HYDRA weapons.

So Steve’s skepticism towards established governments and organizations is justified. What he doesn’t seem to understand is, that even he himself has a hidden agenda: Bucky. Rumlow is right by saying that, whenever Bucky is mentioned, Steve’s brain does a full stop and everything else loses importance. So by saying that he can’t trust governments with hidden agendas to give the commands, he is a hypocrite, because he himself has a hidden agenda himself that he tries to protect and fulfill. Because not only does he want to protect Bucky, but he also wants to neutralize the threat the additional Winter Soldiers in Siberia pose, something he doesn’t really tell anybody about who doesn’t necessarily have to know about it. And Tony obviously isn’t somebody who needs to know in Steve’s opinion. The thing he so despises in other – the secret keeping, the lies, the hidden agendas – are all things he does himself through the length of CA:CW. But we get to that again later.

This is actually a reoccurring theme in comics; it’s a thing that especially authorities like the police criticized after WW2 about the way they are depicted in comics. The Lone Hero, most of the time some kind of vigilante who acts outside of the law, defeats the bad guys and lets the government, military and police look bad. People feared that especially children would read those comics and disregard local authority, because obviously they are completely incompetent, and why should children even listen to them?

And that’s exactly what Steve does! After the UN bombing in Vienna every evidence they had at that time led to Bucky being the culprit. We, as the viewers, know that something else is going on and that it wasn’t Bucky who planted the bomb, but the characters in the movie don’t know what we know. They only have the means and knowledge given to them, and, like I said, the evidence points towards Bucky. And so the police, no, more than the police, the fucking GSG9, a German special ops team, goes to apprehend the man who bombed the UN in Vienna. And what does Steve do? He decides that they are not good enough                       and that he can do better and sweeps in himself, verifying everybody’s worst fears and complains to be true. Like Tony said later in the movie, Steve’s actions prove that something like the Accords is necessary, because obviously Steve knows no boundaries. No matter what Steve claims, acting the way he did wasn’t the best for everybody and he was following his own agenda: saving Bucky. The only one profiting from his actions was Bucky, nobody else.

Then comes a time of calm, of conversation and of diplomacy, where Tony and Steve have a long overdue conversation. And Tony brings out the pens he found in his attic (?). But what do these pens symbolize? Tony said that they were used to sign the Lend-Lease Bill, but what does this have to do with the story? What does this Bill contribute? They could have chosen any other Bill or even a Peace treaty that those pens could have signed, but they chose this specific Bill. Why?

This Bill basically allowed Roosevelt to continue his own agenda – involving America in WW2 – while still acting in the boundaries of the law. By loaning and not selling the UK weapons and supplies he acts in the parameters set by his own government while still helping those who need it. It is symbolic to the Accords and Tony’s role in it. He signed the Accord because he thinks it’s the right thing to do, because his own actions (Ultron for example) show that even Superheroes need regulations. They can’t just run around and do as they please without any kind of consequences. In Lagos Cap and his team did their thing, and when people got hurt and died they just left again like “Well, shit happens life goes on”. A normal human being wouldn’t have been able to get away with something like that, and Superheroes shouldn’t be an exception.

No. Tony signed the Accords to take up responsibility for his action, but he isn’t delusional. He knows Ross. In the after Credit scene in The Incredible Hulk we see him talking to Ross. He knows that guy and what to expect. But Tony is a clever dude. He signed the Accords, but he is also manipulating them to suit himself and what he wants to accomplish. It sounds shifty, but so does Steve with his “the safest hands are our own” bullshit. Tony acts in the parameters set by the Accords, just like Roosevelt acted in the parameters set by the American Government and Congress, while still working towards their own ultimate goals.

That is what those pens symbolize, the acting in set rules while having the freedom to follow your own morals. A practical example for this is Wanda’s confinement. Many may shout “Tony imprisoned her!”, but what do you expect? She’s an illegal immigrant without any kind of legal papers, an ex-member of HYDRA, helped Ultron, and got some people in Lagos killed. Do people really think that all those things don’t have consequences? Do they really think that she can get away with all of those things with a simple “Oops, my bad”? It was either house arrest in a comfortable environment, her own home, with all its luxury like privacy, TV, Internet, fitness facilities, and all alone with the guy she has a crush on, or being imprisoned in a cell with a straightjacket and a collar. Tony acted in the parameters of the Accords, but he managed to manipulate them according to his will by having Wanda in confinement, but still giving her luxury and a certain kind of freedom and amenity. Not to forget that Steve didn’t even think to ask about Wanda. Only when Tony brought her up did he care to think what is going on with her. Another evidence is that, at the moment, Steve is single-mindedly focused on Bucky and nobody else, no matter their (maybe shitty) situation. With those pens Tony subtly tells Steve that he can still follow his own goals and still keep his integrity and follow his own morals while still complying with the law, just like Tony has done with Wanda.

But all of this goes right past Steve. All he says concerning the Lend-Lease Bill is that it brought America closer towards war. And again he acts like a hypocrite. Wasn’t it Steve who applied for enlistment through all of New York and even New Jersey so that he can participate in said war? Wasn’t it Steve who said that bullies weren’t allowed to remain in power? Wasn’t it Steve who fought the Good Fight by punching Hitler in the face?  As much as WW1 was a senseless bloodshed, the Second World War was, in a way, necessary. People like Hitler weren’t allowed to remain in power. They weren’t allowed to achieve world domination. And to be frank, it wasn’t really America that stood in Hitler’s way. It was Churchill and the UK. They were the only ones standing in Hitler’s way of completely controlling Europe. Not America, not France, not Russia (who were Hitler’s allies), it was the UK. As much as Roosevelt wanted to participate in the war and help his British friends, he couldn’t. The American people didn’t allow it; his congress didn’t allow it. The only thing he could do was trick the laws and his government as much as he could to support Churchill as much as he could.

By not only forgetting that, but by also first thinking about the (somewhat) negative implication those pens brought up – America joining WW2 – Steve not only disregards the sacrifices the UK brought during that very lonely year where they were the only ones standing in Hitler’s way, but he also insinuates that it was wrong from Roosevelt to sign this Bill. We can compare it to his own situation with the Accords. He thinks that signing those Accords is a mistake, something that will tear the Avengers apart, something that will get them into trouble, something that could be avoided by not signing. But at the same time he betrays everything he stands for in that sentence. By implying that (in a way) joining the war was a mistake he betrays his former believes that you have to stand up to bullies, that you can’t let somebody like Hitler or HYDRA continue as they are. At the same time he thinks that he is honoring those very same ideals with not signing the Accords, because he thinks that the people who support those Accords are the real bullies. But that is, like Rhodey so wonderfully put it, “dangerously arrogant”. To think you are the only person in the world to be in the right and everybody else’s opinion and reasoning is wrong, is indeed dangerously arrogant.

In that moment he represents the American imperial belief, the thought of America as the world’s police force. America comes into a country where there is a problem and gets themselves involved despite the protests of its inhabitants. They think they have the right of it because they say they fight for something bigger like freedom and democracy. And that’s what Cap does, too. He gets into a country in the name of the mission and the protection of the world, does what he wants, and says he has the right of it because he does it for something bigger like freedom and democracy. So it’s doubly hypocritical of him to say that joining the war was the wrong decision to make, not only because he represents the American imperialism, but also because, as we have seen in Age of Ultron, that Steve’s biggest fear is the end of the war. That’s his biggest fear, that the war (no matter which one, WW2, war with the Chitauri, war against HYDRA, war with Ultron) ends and that he is no longer needed. Steve fears peace, and almost craves war, because it gives him purpose. And isn’t that sad? That your only purpose in life is to go to war?

By disregarding the pens, by disregarding the Lend-Lease Bill, Steve is disregarding every single one of his accomplishments as Captain America: his help in defeating the Nazis and HYDRA, the victory at the Battle of New York against the Chitauri, HYDRA’s defeat in Washington, Ultron’s defeat in Sokovia. By implying that joining the war wasn’t worth it he practically says that all those accomplishments and victories weren’t worth it. Tony is right, though. By signing the Lend-Lease Bill Roosevelt helped Steve become Captain America, and thus helped to achieve all of those victories. And Steve is brushing them aside because he has a) no idea about political maneuvering and b) he is unable to compromise and make a detour to achieve his ultimate goal.

But why can’t he make those compromises? What is it that stops him from thinking this through properly? You know the Answer. It starts with a B and ends with an –ucky.

Steve has a certain picture of Bucky, and that picture sometimes doesn’t align with reality. For him, Bucky is his friend, his partner in crime, his brother in everything but blood. They grew up together, fought together, they had each others’ back from the moment they became friends. The problem is that this version of Bucky doesn’t exist anymore, at least not in the beginning. Since the end of CA:TWS Bucky was nobody. He wasn’t Steve’s long lost friend, but he also wasn’t the Winter Soldier. He was nobody, had no identity, no memories, everything that makes a person who they are has been erased by HYDRA, over and over again. But Steve saw him and only saw his long lost brother, when in reality he wasn’t. He was nobody. But throughout the movie Steve tries to protect this friend, even during a time where he wasn’t this friend, not until after Bucky went on a rampage and Steve knocked his head real hard (neuronal recalibrating). Only after that did Bucky really become Bucky. But before that he was the (ex-)HYDRA assassin who bombed the UN. Steve, of course, doesn’t believe that, because he has faith in Bucky and knows he would never do that, that he only ever became the ‘villain’ because HYDRA kidnapped him and brainwashed him over and over again. And Steve is right, Bucky wouldn’t do that. But Nobody-the-ex-Hydra-assassin might. In theory of course, the viewer knows that he wasn’t the culprit, but like I said above, the characters can’t know that because they don’t have all the information the viewer has. The point is that Steve expects Bucky to think and act in a certain way that he is familiar with and that he knows and can predict, but at that certain point of the story that is not who Bucky is. Only after he regains some part of his memories and part of himself, are those predictions Steve made true. Before that Steve predicted the behavior and steps of a different person, not of Nobody-the-ex-Hydra-assassin.

Steve’s predictions get verified then. He always knew that it wasn’t Bucky who planted the bomb but somebody else, that something more sinister is going on, but he didn’t predict that out of empiric evidence but because of a personal, subjective opinion. But now, with Bucky regaining part of his memory, with an actual clue that there is a very real and very big threat on the horizon that could very well make HYDRA or whoever it is take control of those additional Winter Soldiers a very real contester for world domination, what does Steve do? HE KEEPS IT TO HIMSELF!!!

Before CA:CW Steve had a real problem with authorities keeping information from him, even accused the UN and 117 Nations of being corrupt, and here he is, doing the exact same thing! It already started in CA:TWS where Steve found out that HYDRA killed Howard Stark and opted not to tell Tony about it. In Age of Ultron Steve accused Tony of keeping too many secrets from the team, while at the same time he is the one who keeps a pretty big secret from Tony. This is already were it started, this is where Steve starts abandoning his own ideals. He demands honesty and transparency from everybody, because that is how democracy works, but at the same time he doesn’t offer any of that himself.

Steve believes the worst of other people – probably because he was told that he himself was inherently good, which would imply that everybody else wasn’t good enough and thus he was better than them– and in CA:CW he also believes the worst of Tony. He doesn’t tell Tony about this new threat because he thinks he wouldn’t believe him, that he will try to stop Steve from doing the right thing, from stopping those Winter Soldiers. And in the end he feels vindicated (again), because Tony does try to stop him, but not because of the reasons Steve predicts, but because Tony can only act on the information he has, which means that, for Tony, Steve is trying to help Bucky escape and hide him until he can clear his name. That is all the information Tony has, and he cannot act differently because Steve is withholding information. And the airstrip of an airport when tensions are high and people are preparing for battle is probably not the best time or place to discuss this new potential threat. It’s not like they had hours upon hours of time to meet up or talk over the phone about those Winter Soldiers… Oh! Wait!!! THEY DID!!! You cannot tell me that Steve had time to fly two (completely uninvolved) parties from as far as San Francisco (!) over to Germany, but at the same time didn’t have the time to tell Tony (at least over the phone) that there are five killing machines about to be released in Siberia. Tony would have at least had somebody check that out, or would have even gone himself to take a look at those potential Winter Soldiers.

Some may complain now: “Tony was off collecting his own little army! How was he supposed to reach him? Steve had to defend himself so that he could go and stop those Winter Soldiers!” Yes, Tony did collect an army. Why? Because he has seen what Steve was willing to do in Bucharest when people started to become a ‘threat’ to Bucky. He has gotten 36 hours to bring Steve and Bucky in, and he knew that he could only do that properly and with as little violence as possible when he could overpower them. Spider-Man’s task for example was only to web them up so that they could collect them later on. Tony only wanted to stop a wanted fugitive from escaping and stop Steve before the situation could become any worse for him because Steve was helping and abetting an escaped fugitive. Tony couldn’t really know that Steve was collecting allies and a small army himself.

And then, of course, everything goes to shit. Rhodey is paralyzed, Steve and Bucky escaped to god knows where, half of the Avengers is in prison. Of course they blame Tony for that (I’m looking at you Clint and Scott), but let me ask you: WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN??? You probably saw in the News what happened in Vienna, that Bucky was probably the culprit, that you were basically helping a prime suspect for a terroristic bombing at the fucking UN escape, and you thought that didn’t have consequences?!?!? That’s the exact reason why the Accords are necessary. Team Cap thinks they are right, just like Steve does, that they were fighting The Good Fight and that this justifies their action. But that’s not true. They helped a wanted fugitive and – as far as the world knows – a wanted terrorist and destroyed an entire airport in the process. And they think they are going to get away with it.

It’s like with Wanda and the incident in Lagos: Steve made a mistake by getting distracted, Wanda moved in, but she didn’t have enough control of her power, too little training for a mission like that, and people died. And although it wasn’t her intention, and that she only wanted to help, it still doesn’t change that she and the Avengers made a mistake and people died because of it. There need to be regulations and consequences, or so-called ‘superheroes’ can do whatever they want in the name of the greater good without reporting to anybody but themselves. Tony is right with what he said, that “without rules we are no better than the bad guys”. Because if there are no rules, then ‘superheroes’ can destroy an entire airport or, like in Age of Ultron, half a city, and face no kind of consequences. Again, Rhodey’s comment about being “dangerously arrogant” comes to mind, and it fits wonderfully into the Raft scene as well. Both Clint and Scott act as if they were in the right and that their imprisonment is a huge injustice because they were fighting The Good Fight, and that they got imprisoned by no fault of their own (and what is it with Marvel’s fathers that they just abandon their kids in a heartbeat? Oh yes Clint, retiring and spending more time with your family by going golfing and water skiing is so boring). They are the ones the Accords try to protect the world from, because they have gone out of control.

The only one who acts reasonable and logical and like he has even a stint of common sense is Sam. When Tony talks to him and tells him that new evidence has come up and that he now knows that Bucky was framed and that something else is going on, Sam tells him everything. It has basically taken two days for the allegations against Bucky to be proven false. Tony isn’t on some kind of vendetta, a hardliner of the Accords that can’t play with anybody acting outside of them (we have already concluded that above with the pens and the Lend-Lease Bill). He knows what he has to do so that Ross and anybody else who might be out for blood doesn’t get a hint that he is about to meet Captain America and The Winter Soldier. We see that Tony can compromise and prioritize. He is going now to help Steve and Bucky neutralize the other Winter Soldiers so that Tony can regain Steve’s trust he seemed to have lost when Tony signed the Accords, and so that they can have time later to discuss every other issue they have without the threat of world destruction.

And, again, everything goes to shit. Bucky become Zemo’s instrument with which he can tear the Avengers apart. And Steve lets him.

By keeping the truth about Howards (and Maria’s) death a secret ‘to save Tony the heartache and spare his feelings’ and by being to single-mindedly focused on Bucky, Steve has brought by the destruction of the Avengers as they knew it. He may claim that he has kept that knowledge a secret to spare Tony’s feelings, but in reality he was protecting Bucky once again. Again Steve probably feels vindicated when Tony attacked Bucky in grief and rage. He has probably predicted such a reaction from the moment he found out Howard was murdered by HYDRA, probably by Bucky, probably predicted that Tony would try to find the murderer of his parents and make him pay. And again, Steve expects the worst of Tony. What was Tony supposed to do? His parents’ murderer was standing right there, right in front of him while he just saw this very same man murder his fucking parents on video! And Steve, somebody who Tony thought of as a friend, was protecting him. How many other people has Bucky killed? How many other people was Steve denying their justice by protecting a single man? I know – and Tony probably knows, too – that it wasn’t really Bucky’s fault, that he got brainwashed and exploited as a weapon. But in that moment, freshly overcome with grief and rage, Tony can’t see reason. Just like Steve loses any kind of objectivity when Bucky is in danger, it’s the same with Tony when the people he loves are in danger (like when he builds the Iron Man army in IM3 to ‘protect what he can’t live without’, or earlier when Rhodey fell out of the sky and appeared dead). Tony loses any kind of objectivity and reason, and after the break-up with Pepper and Rhodey’s fall he is at his breaking point. He has enough.

But all of that following fight might have been avoided if Steve had just come to Tony and told him that Howard’s death wasn’t an accident but that HYDRA had him murdered. Maybe then Tony might have been able to vent his anger and rage into the right direction, especially when you think about that between CA:TWS and Age of Ultron the Avengers were basically raiding one HYDRA facility after the other. That would have been a good way for Tony to make those suckers pay for the death of his parents. But no. Steve didn’t tell Tony, even dares to excuse his behavior and secret keeping, something he oh so despised in others like SHIELD or Natasha or Fury.

Transparency and the sharing of information are the foundations on which a good democracy is build, so that people can make educated decisions, so that people can regard every aspect of a situation. But Steve denies Tony that right over and over again. By his unwillingness to compromise and meet other people halfway, by always expecting the worst of everybody else, he became the very thing he fought against: despots who only follow their own moral code and agendas. He demands the sharing of information from everybody else while he is not forthcoming himself. He criticizes others for following their own moral code and doing what they think is right while he does the exact same thing. He demands others to be reasonable while he himself is dangerously compromised and biased. Captain America is the symbol of freedom and democracy, the right for people to voice their opinions and their right to tell others ‘No’, but by ignoring their voices – the voices of 117 nations – out of more or less personal reasons, by withholding (vital) information and not offering transparency, he is betraying everything Captain America stands for.

And I think Steve knows that.

Tony’s quip ‘My father made that shield, you don’t deserve it’ is almost pitiful in the given situation, but that sentence has a far deeper connotation. Howard has been Steve’s friend, just like Steve has been Tony’s friend, and by protecting his murderer, the murderer of Tony’s parents, he was betraying them in a way. At the same time Tony indirectly tells him that he isn’t Captain America anymore, that he has become someone not worthy of that shield and the title of Captain America that goes along with it. And I think that Steve knows and realizes that. That final fight against Tony, when Tony tells him that he has been Steve’s friend, too, I think that was the moment when Steve realized that he has fucked up. That he has become so biased and compromised that he disregarded everything and everyone else. But he couldn’t stop anymore. Through his mistakes Tony is about to kill Bucky, his Bucky, and he has already gone too far in protecting his brother than to stop now, even at Tony’s costs. At the end Steve could have been petty or all righteous and say that he was Captain America no matter what so he is keeping that shield, but I think that he has gained at least a little bit of self-reflection and realized that what he did wasn’t okay, that he made some mistakes down the line, and that he can’t go back now, at least not for a while. So he lets that shield drop because he doesn’t deserve it.

So he drops that shield, because he knows that he isn’t worthy of it, not after everything what happened. And it wasn’t Tony who ripped the team apart by signing the Accords; it also wasn’t really Steve who ripped it apart by prioritizing Bucky above everything else, but it were the two of them together. Tony (though by no fault of his own; he couldn’t guess that Bucky killed his parents, and his reaction was entirely human) and Steve (by keeping all of this a secret and by withholding important information) gave Zemo the ammunition and the instruments to pit the avengers against each other.

But Steve has shown throughout the movie how he is unable to think clearly when Bucky is involved, how he can’t analyze the situation properly when somebody just so much as mentions his name, how Steve is willing to break the law and get in the way of proper law enforcement to help him, how he prioritizes him over everbody else in his team. Steve is unable to accept other’s opinions and decisions when they are opposite of his own or deviate from it. He is unable to submit to any kind of governmental oversight, even if it’s a humanitarian one like the UN. He can’t accept that his own opinion may differ and may not be in accordance to popular and political opinion and that some countries may not want him and his involvement in his country. He ignores them and continues to do his own thing, breaking the law, getting innocent people in danger, being responsible for the death of innocent people, and being overall subjective and compromised in his decision making. He overall disregards ideals he stands for (freedom from oppression, democracy, free will, exchange of information to make educated decision), and by doing so he casts away his title of Captain America.

What is left is just a kid from Brooklyn. Not a symbol, not a hero, not even a soldier, just another human being.

[purplesurveys]

334

Have you ever read the Hunger Games series? No, I was never into the series. I did watch the first movie and fairly enjoyed it. When was the last time you ran into something? As clumsy as I am, I don’t remember tripping onto anything recently. Do you enjoy dressing up? Not really. Do you live in the city or a rural area? City. I prefer it that way. Would you say you have a sense of style? I guess? I get good comments on my outfits most days so that must mean I’m doing something right.

What's your biggest fear? It changes everyday. For today, it’s knives. Have you ever been bitten by a wild animal? No. That’s a big fear of mine too. Are you close to any of your cousins? Yes, I’m close to one of them and I treat him as an older brother. I used to be super close to my cousins on my dad’s side, but since we gradually moved farther and farther away from each other, the closeness faded and we don’t give each other anything more than hi’s whenever we come over to see their family. I wish we could change that soon :( Have you ever been lost in the woods? No, that’s the very reason why I don’t walk around in the woods. Where did you last travel? I went to Nasugbu if that counts as traveling. Do you enjoy driving? If I’m not stuck in traffic for 3/4 of the ride then yes. Unfortunately that’s the case in Metro Manila. What song did you last listen to? APESHIT by Beyonce and Jay-Z. If you have a job, how often do you work? No work, just university life for the next two years. What time do you normally go to sleep at night? It differs every night. There are nights I could stay up till 1 AM, some other times I’d rather be in bed by 9:30. Do you watch a lot of movies? I used to. I haven’t found the enthusiasm to watch new movies recently. Do you like Tom Petty? I don’t really have any comment? Would you rather have snow or rain? I love both. Do you own a lot of sweaters? No, that’s not necessary here. A couple of sweaters is fine. Have you ever tried rock-climbing? Like once. Ever ridden in a police car? Nope. Favorite decade of music? I don’t have a favorite decade.  Have any of your best friends been your best friend longer than a year? Both of my best friends have been around for more than five years. Even Sofie, even though I’ve drifted away from her already. Ever witnessed a murder? No and I hope to god that’s something I never have to go through. Do you care what people think of you? No, unless I look up to you. Does your room have a ceiling fan? I don’t believe that ceiling fans actually work, so no. Would you consider yourself poised? Most of the time. But when I get jumpy it’s really bad. Have you ever tried blogging? Yes. I never lasted more than four entries on every blog I’ve ever made my whole life, and I made a fuckton of Blogspots, LiveJournals, and Wordpresses. I do last on microblogging though, manifested by my being on Tumblr since 2010. Favorite television channel? I don’t use the television for cable TV anymore... Have you ever lied under oath? No. I’ve never been under oath. What are your religious views? None. Are you a romantic person? I am, but I think I would be so much more romantic if I had more money. My love language for other people is material things; that being said, I loooove spoiling the people I love because they deserve everything. When did you last change your bed sheets? A couple of weeks ago. Would you consider yourself a flirt? As a demisexual, the concept of flirting makes me uncomfortable, so no. At what age do you plan to be married? 27. I wanted it to be 25, but Gabie freaked out at how early it was so we agreed on 27. Do you eat a lot of junk food? Yes I love junk food. When did you last go on vacation? Last April. Are you resilient? Some situations. I’m easy to disappoint sometimes too though. Have you ever failed a subject before? I’ve never failed one in college and I don’t plan to. I cared less in high school so I did fail geometry, chemistry, and advanced algebra. Didn’t keep me from being admitted into the top university in the country though ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ If so, what was the class? ^ Mentioned it all there. I don’t remember if I also failed calculus or not. Do you wear more bright or dull colors? Dull. Do you know anyone who has attempted suicide? Yes, and I know people who have succeeded. It’s a sad reality. What's your favorite quote? I don’t have one. Would you consider yourself mature? I guess, but I have my petty moments too. How many clocks are in your house? Two. There’s one in the dining room and the other one is on our cable provider’s set top box. Do you play any sports? Table tennis. Have you ever been injured in a car accident? Nope.

If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be? Somewhere with snow and zero sun. Have you ever had highlights in your hair? Nope, not a fan. Favorite fast food restaurant? Jollibee. In what country were you born? The Philippines. Are your eyes more than one color? No, they’ve been dark brown for the last 20 years. Have you ever caught something on fire? I don’t think so? Hahahaha I’m scared of fire so I think I’ve been extra careful this whole time. What would you consider your biggest flaw? I hate criticism unless it’s told to me super super super SUPER gently. What do you think your best quality is? I’m really good at reading people so it’s easier to understand them and much easier to detect problems. Do you enjoy listening to others' problems? I don’t enjoy listening to someone who’s, say, talking to me about parental abuse, but I do become the dump for my friends’ problems regularly and it at least makes me happy knowing I’m being a good friend from that. Do you keep any plants in your house? My mom keeps the plants. I don’t. What is your mother's occupation? She works at a 5-star hotel as some sort of executive secretary or something. Her titles are always long so I don’t bother to know anymore. Do any of your friends like your musical style? I don’t share my music with my friends. What are you most looking forward to? Friday because this week is going to be shit. What was your favorite television show as a child? Hi-5 was my shit. Are you afraid of insects? Yep. Are you cold-natured? Most of the time. How old were you when you got your first pet? I was probablyyyy 5-6 when we got our first goldfish. Goldfish would remain our staple pet for the next 5 years. Did you/do you enjoy high school? I enjoyed the friends part of it. I had a REALLY great time in high school when it came to my friends; I was lucky to have found a home in my friend group before school ended. I hated everything else about it. Most of the teachers, the close-mindedness, the Catholic education, the unnecessary calculus, blegh. What would you say was your favorite age? Year 16 was unbelievably kind to me. What annoys you most about social networking? It’s a tie between so many people who subtweet and so many people who share their privileged, expensive, flashy-ass lives. Are you the center of attention most of the time? No I hate that. What are you currently reading? Guess what!!! I can finally answer this question!!!!! Gabie bought me AJ Lee’s Crazy Is My Superpower when we saw it at a bookstore while on a date. It’s a super rare find as it’s never in any store, so the second I saw it she swiped it off the shelf and handed it to the cashier. I’m like 30 pages away from finishing it, so I also started on Chris Jericho’s A Lion’s Tale: Around the World in Spandex. Both are wrestling autobiographies, which at the end of the day is my favorite genre of books. When did you last go to the library? Last Wednesday because I needed to get something printed. Are you ill at the moment? Nope. Never am. Do people tease you about anything? Yeah my orgmates impersonate me a lot. How late did you stay up last night and why? 12 AM because I had been reading Jericho’s book. Have you ever written poetry? Only when we had to pass a poem assignment in high school. I hate poetry and only tolerate it when my girlfriend reads a poem out loud to me. Curtains or shades? Shades. It’s what a lot of houses here use. How many people have you spoken to in the last hour? Just my mom. Do you tend to text a lot? I text Gab a lot. Ever lost a great best friend? Yeah. Sofie was pretty solid during the time we were inseparable, but I don’t know...it just dawned on me one day that we have drastically different personalities, and not in the opposites-attract way. Beyond our shared love for Audrey Hepburn, our personalities were worlds, worlds apart. I just knew it was going to have to stop somewhere. She was amazing though. At the end of the day I don’t think about her or miss her a lot, so I think that just proved my point. What is your favorite kind of flower? Whatever flower my girlfriend gives me. How tall are you? I’d say a little below 5′2″. Do you own any guns? Nope. What would you say is your favorite book of all-time? I haven’t christened a book with that title. Do you think you're living a good life? I’m not gonna deny the fact that I am privileged in a lot of aspects. But mental health destructs a lot of that. It’s what’s keeping me from having a completely good life. What's your least favorite part of the day? The morning. Are you an over-achiever? Nah, just an achiever. Have you ever won an award for a speech? No. Do you tend to curse a lot? I do. Have you ever played on the Ouija board? No but I’ve always wanted to! But only with the lights on and in broad daylight. Do you sleepwalk? I did it once when I was 9. Never happened again. Have you ever slept on the floor before? Many times. Are you a fan of public displays of affection? Only between LGBT couples hahaha. When did you last attend a yard sale? Years ago? I don’t really go. Do you wish your life were simpler or more interesting? Interesting. I’m always waiting for something exciting. What goals do you wish to accomplish tomorrow? Get through my class without breaking down. Repeat for the next four days. When is your birthday? April 21st. Which is worse: going blind or deaf? I dunno, that isn’t really a competition and shouldn’t be treated as such. What was the best part of today? Welp it’s 7:42 AM so it’s too soon to tell; but right now I do have the time to finally take surveys again so there’s that. Do you attempt to stay away from drama? I like sipping the tea, but I don’t mix the tea myself. What liquid did you last drink? Water. I only ever drink water... Do you ever prefer to be alone? Some times. Occasionally I’d yearn for the presence of friends too. Have you ever had a deadly animal as a pet? No. Favorite Disney movie? Tangled or Toy Story. Have you ever been to the beach? Of course, but it’s been two months since I last went. :(  If you have, how many times have you been? Way too many times. I live in an archipelago so beaches are pretty accessible. What was your dream occupation at age ten? My old Grade 4 assignments would say that at 10, I wanted to be a writer. Are you terrified at the idea of weight-gain? No. In fact I’m really looking to gain weight in the next few years because I find myself way too skinny. I can’t wear a lot of clothes because of it; I have had to give away pretty culottes to my sister, who actually weighs like a normal person. Do you drink a lot of water? Sure; I love water. Does your room have carpet or hard-wood floors? Hardwood. Philippine houses never do carpet. Do you take naps daily? As much as I can. Not daily because I’m always busy during the day. Do you plan on traveling this spring or summer? My family’s travel schedule is unconventional since we always plan our travels only for when my dad is home, so that we’re complete. That said, we don’t always book trips strictly during the summer. Depending on when he comes back, we can travel right smack in the middle of the school year, a day before my exams, etc. Do you know anyone who is colorblind? I don’t think so. Have you ever been a teacher's pet? I sort of have. I wanted to be my prof’s favorite in his art studies class because I heard he didn’t give 1.00′s (which is the highest grade you get in my uni). So I recited a lot, interpreted paintings even though I had no clue what I was saying, and had a memorized speech for our big Powerpoint presentation requirement. Ended the class with a 1.00. What is your absolute favorite hobby? Going to museums. How many times a day do you brush your teeth? Once or twice. Ever been to a tanning bed before? I don’t need that. 107,000,000 Filipinos don’t need tanning beds. Are you satisfied with your financial stability? I am satisfied with my *family’s financial stability. I don’t make money myself yet. Who is your favorite actor/actress? Kate Winslet and Kristen Stewart. Do you model your life after anything? No. What's the meanest thing you've ever said to someone? I’ve never gone over the edge with anyone because I know exactly how it feels to be told anything hurtful. Do you ever accidentally talk to inanimate objects? Yeah I say sorry to stuff when I bump into them. What's your favorite flavor of ice cream? Cookies and cream, or anything with cookie or brownie chunks. Have you ever kissed someone of the same gender? That’s sort of the dynamic of my relationship. If you could, would you have a pen pal? No. What color are the pants you're wearing? Brown, but they’re shorts. Have you ever had a stalker? Nope. What is your life philosophy? You don’t have to be blood to be family. Who last sent you a goodnight text message? My girlfriend, AKA the only person who sends me those things. Do you own any clothes that are your favorite color? Yes for black, none for pink. Have you ever been in a hot tub before? Sure. What's your favorite comedy movie? It’s not limited to comedy, but The Proposal.

In which year were you born? 1998.