#but this episode is so bloody difficult to colour

[hammerbacks]

ultimate ships challenge: gazing at each other scenes [1/5]

Mark Harmon & Sasha Alexander as Jethro Gibbs & Kate Todd in NCIS 1x01: Yankee White

[vervainandspritz]

could you do a smut where it takes place after season 4, episode one when Tommy murders that butcher, so right after that he’s extremely pissed off and frustrated so he goes to the bedroom where reader is sleeping in the dark and he wants to let out his stress so he fucks reader roughly while still covered in all that blood it turns reader on a lot and Tommy’s very degrading with his words:)?

WHAT YOU'RE MADE FOR

Tommy Shelby x Reader

Warnings: death, angst, violence, angry sex, degradation, smut

A/N: Y'all better start sending requests istg

~~

It felt almost deranged, as Thomas stared in the almost dead man's eyes. Life leaving his irises, lungs choking on blood while trying to take a breath. One so desperately needed. His mouth wide open, pathetically attempting to inhale some oxygen which was already impossible. Last blinks, last moves before he fell to the floor, dirtying everything around and... Leaving the meat raw on the table.

Thomas looked around, only now noticing the state he was in. Covered in blood, almost head to toe. His expensive vest and suit pants absolutely drenched, not to mention the shirt. Letting out a sharp breath, he dropped the sharp tool to the floor, making his way out of the kitchen.

He had so much to do before Christmas. Since the cook died, he needed a new one. Tommy had to call around, find someone last minute and pay extra for cleaning and keeping silent about whereabouts in the Arrow house. So much to do, yet he could barely think with the adrenaline pumping through his veins, making his heart thump and his hands shake.

Normally he would take opium to make it better, but Thomas was well too aware of his wife's reaction to the drug. She hated when he was under influence.

Huffing angrily under his nose he thought of an alternative, and frustration grew as he thought about how difficult Y/N has to make it by arguing. Always arguing. Forcing him to eat better, to take care of himself. So damn loud and opinionated. Throwing back a glass of whiskey, his eyes landed on the staircase and the idea suddenly appeared in his head.

Without missing a beat he made his way up the stairs, leaving bloody marks on the handrail and expensive wood. Quickly walking through the corridor he barged through the door, his precious wife laying on the bed, beautiful as ever. Her white gown hunched up slightly higher than usual, revealing her creamy thighs and reminding him of the lack of underwear.

Standing there, simply staring Thomas felt his pants becoming tighter, all blood going south, exactly where he needed it. Quickly unbuckling his belt and pants he walked over, leaning forward he cooed quietly seeing her peaceful face.

His hand traced her cheek lightly, leaving a bloody mark that made his teeth clench. Deep, crimson red colour in such a stark contrast with the innocent face and white gown of hers. Without waking her up, he quickly pulled her to the edge of the bed by her legs, startling her awake.

"T–Tommy?" She mumbled, eyes barely open as he flipped her on her stomach with a growl. Adrenaline buzzed in his ears as he pawed on her skin, leaving mark after mark from the blood he had on. After a moment she lifted her head, looking back and seeing him completely red, which caused her to squeak in fear. "Thomas, wh–" but he cut her off, pulling his cock out and shoving her legs apart, spitting on her pussy to use as a lube.

"Shut up!" He hissed, climbing onto the bed and straddling her thighs. "I kept you safe. I've fulfilled my duty, and kept you safe!" He hissed into her ear, grabbing a handful of hair, nudging her entrance with the tip of his cock.

A loud moan caused by the sudden stretch and pain filled the air as he slammed himself to the hilt, not able to wait any longer. His hand immediately covered her mouth, two fingers shoved into her mouth to keep her quiet. "The least you can do is fucking take it" He growled into her ear, thrusting impatiently into her tight heat, feeling the wetness pooling from her entrance at his rough manhandling. "That's what you're fucking made for!" She moaned loudly, feeling the bitter metallic taste on his fingers, filling her mouth and making it hard to breathe which made her keep squirming.

Thomas laid himself over her, fucking her from the back, putting his complete weight on top of her.

"You feel it? The fucking taste?" He growled, pulling her hair with another hand. "It's a taste of your safety." His voice was different, clearly because of the chaotic situation he's been through just a couple minutes earlier. Y/N had no idea what was turning her on so much, whether it was the danger to this whole situation, or maybe him fucking her so roughly. "Answer me!" He roared, plunging even deeper than before, his tip kissing her cervix really hard, causing her to nod frantically. "Some cock and you're already too fucking dumb to speak, eh? Good thing your cunt 's always wet then" He added, cruelly almost, knowing how much she loved being degraded. "Nothing more needed to be my precious little fuckhole" He purred, picking up his pace, fucking her faster and harder. Whimper after whimper leaving her lips before he pulled his fingers out of her mouth and wrapped them around her throat.

"Shhhh" He cooed, "You don't want to wake up the kids, do you?" He emphasized the last two words with painful deep thrusts, making her feel like he was already in her belly.

"Tommy" She managed to stutter out, holding onto his hand which was squeezing her pretty hard, cutting off the blood flow and causing her eyesight to go blurry.

"I feel you squeezing my fucking cock. You like that, eh? Being fucked, covered in blood and treated like a cheap whore." He groaned by her ear, the free hand reaching underneath to pinch her clit and rub brutal circles, causing her to cry out weakly. "Nasty fucking cunt" He purred as she came around him so hard, before completely going limp on top of her. Pressing her into the mattress as his thrusts grew frantic, deeper and slower while her cunt milked him for all he had.

Only then did he let go of her throat, slowly threading his fingers through her hair, as they both tried to catch their breaths.

Tommy lifted his head up, seeing her so beautifully fucked out and smiled. Kissing the side of her face, he murmured.

"We need a cleaning service in the kitchen... and a new cook."

[on-stardust-wings]

So I've been unhappy about the lack of physical media these days (and, unrelated to Good Omens, mightily pissed off at streaming services), which made me decide if I want to have my favourite shows on my shelf, I will do it myself if I have to. And since Amazon still doesn't look like it plans to sell me a nice DVD or Bluray set for season two, I went and did it my bloody self. I own a DVD writer and a printer and nobody can stop me.

Had lots of fun playing around designing sleeves, labels and on-screen menus. Behold my beautiful creations!

I used some of the very cool official posters for the covers. I loved the one that became my front cover; there's so much to see on it. (Also has this super handy scroll bit at the bottom where one only had to remove some Amazon logos to have space for labeling!)

Splurged on a couple of sheets of glossy photo paper to print the sleeves on. You wouldn't believe how much of a difference good paper makes for printout quality. The photos don't do them justice. The black is really black, the colours have great depth. I sat here giggling gleefully when these came out of the printer.

Here's the spines, sitting next to my season one Bluray (which I was happy to buy, hey Amazon please sell me stuff, you love selling things, I will buy things if you sell me things!) and my other self-made fave-show-on-shelf-putting-project.

If I do something, I do it properly. Disc labels with pictures on them!

Designing them was a blast; printing them was a fucking nightmare. I had a few pages of premade disc labels (sticker paper with perforated circles of the right sizes, so no cutting, yay). Already printing the sleeves took a good amount of test prints and template tweaking; I don't know why printing exactly to scale is still so difficult in 2024. I think Crowley was involved in designing printers. The things are definitely haunted. Printing a rectangle to scale? Difficult, but okay. Printing two circles to scale, in the exact correct position? Oh god I cursed so much. But look at them, aren't they beautiful? Definitely worth all the sweat and tears.

Menu screens! (Had a video of the first disc menu, mostly to show that it plays the Good Omens theme, but Tumblr hated it. Please imagine that all discs have this menu and that you can hear the theme playing while on the menu, thanks.)

DVDs fit 120 minutes of video, and I was super chuffed that I could get two episodes squeezed on one disc. So I have three discs with episodes, and an additional one with bonus stuff. Deleted scenes and VFX breakdowns with Muriel and Making Ofs. You know, the kind of things that are fun and cool about a box set for a show you like. Which I now have on my shelf. You gotta do everything yourself these days.

[evas-spn-thoughts]

s01e05 - Bloody Mary

All I remember about this episode is to not say Bloody Mary 3 times in the mirror, and that at the end, there is a ton of mirrors.

And that's all I remember.

My review style is to type my thoughts scene by scene while I watch the episode, so I have no further thoughts on this episode yet.

Better people would probably watch the ep first while making notes, but I am not a better person so I make a whole post while the episode is on.

I do a lot of pausing while I watch 😂

Post watch edit, okay I'm not gonna lie, I kinda don't care for this episode, it's fine, but I just don't really care about it. I don't feel like on a second watch it carries forward the boys plot that much. Maybe that's because I know the reveals already, but yeah... I just don't care for it.

The opening is very strong on Sam's want to find Jess's killer, and Deans insistence on hunting.

It's a bit weird having the cold open happen after the title screen, I don't feel like that's what happens in later seasons.

Anyway... we open on a group of girls pressuring another girl to say 'Bloody Mary' 3 times into the bathroom mirror.

The girl does do it, and her friends bang on the bathroom door, because that's what's fun when you are a kid. Its definitely happened to me post horror movie when I was younger.

Her dad asks her and her friends to keep it down - fair enough. You then see him passing mirrors on his way back to bed and see a female form in the mirror, which is very creepy.

Then her older sister comes home and walks up the stairs to see a pool of blood in the bathroom.

It's a very good cold open, that is very creepy.

We get Sam in an oddly coloured nightmare. He sees Jess burning on the ceiling and engulfed in blue flames??? weird choice but okay.

Dean wakes him up, clearly worried about Sam. Dean implies that Sam hasn't been talking about his nightmares. 'You know sooner or later we're gonna have to talk about this'. This is an example of Dean clearly being open to talking about Sam's problems, whereas Sam is very much keeping tight lipped about all of this.

We find out they are in Toledo, Ohio.

The coroner is being very difficult in helping out the boys, who say they are students getting information for their paper. He is taking an attitude with Dean and not giving them any help. At one point he throws Deans words back in his face and Dean says to Sam that he is 'going to hit him in his face, I swear'. Dean isn't always very good with people trying to hold up their hunt and especially with men talking down to him, sometimes he turns it flirtatious in some way, but in this case the guy is closer to their age and he just gets annoyed... which, fair enough, the guy is a pain.

They end up having to pay this guy to show them the body, with Sam using Deans 'earned' money to do so. Dean gets an attitude about this because Sam didn't earn the money, Dean did, but Sam clearly sees money won 'in a poker game' as unearned or of less personal value.

Sam has a low opinion of the hunter lifestyle which we have already seen, and with his lower opinion of it comes a condescension towards Dean and how he gets them money. The show makes it seem like Dean is the one who gets the money for them, and Dean seemed genuinely annoyed that Sam gave it away.

There are headcanons all over the place for how far Dean has had to go to get money, one of which Jensen has helped put into the universe. I generally believe that it wouldn't be a stretch for Dean to have had to resort to some unsafe methods to make sure the family had money when John would go off and hunt and leave the boys alone, but I think that by s1 he is only hustling pool and using credit card scams and not having to resort to any other means. Later in the season the family's blasé attitude towards Deans lack of care for his person and the normality of Dean using himself as bait shows that they likely dont know how much danger his face and beauty could get him into.

The boys go to the house from the cold open, and we see that the younger sister blames herself and Bloody Mary for the father's passing. Dean reassures her 'he didn't say Bloody Mary, did he?'

They go on a wander round the house to see the crime scene, and there is a slightly funny moment where Sam doesn't want to say Bloody Mary in the bathroom.

They are caught by the sister's friend and Sam pulls the all emotional and caring card so that she doesn't call them out on snooping.

We get a short exposition scene of Sam explaining all about the lore of Bloody Mary and we see that they are in the library and the computers are out of order.

Jill is on the phone to Charlie, and decides to say Bloody Mary in the mirror... like an idiot. She says it and then screams to freak out Charlie, but after she hangs up and is getting changed we see Mary in the mirror in another very well done creepy scene.

Jill sees herself in the mirror and her reflection isn't copying her movements, which is scary. The reflection says 'you did it, you killed that boy' all the while her eyes are bleeding... again creepy. Jill then dies.

We get Sam having the same dream as before - the blue one - and Dean sitting across the room. Sam wants to know why Dean let him fall asleep and Dean says it's because he's 'an awesome brother'.

Charlie calls the boys about Jills death. They break into Jills room to see if they can find anything and Charlie is now 100% on side with the boys.

We find out that potentially Jill killed an 8 year old boy with her car - she did kill him, its just the friend only said it was Jill's car. His name was written on the back of the mirror.

We get another name on the back of the other mirror. We discover that she is Donna's mom, and by linking back, the assumption is that Donna's dad killed her mom.

We get some exposition about mirrors revealing secrets - which might be important later in the episode - and about who Bloody Mary is, and the boys go and see the old detective who dealt with Marys murder case.

The old detective states that 'Mary spent her last living moments trying to expose this guys secrets' which fair enough, I respect that. The mirror that was there when she died was returned to the family and the boys go and find out who has that mirror.

Meanwhile Donna and Charlie are in the bathroom and Donna is an idiot and says Bloody Mary 3 times in the mirror because she doesn't believe. Even if I didn't believe which tbh I don't, I wouldn't say it in the mirror if others had died, I'm not an idiot.

The boys are in the car talking about mirrors again, when Charlie phones, they get her to their motel, and Charlie starts to explain what happened.

But Dean very quickly explains that he means that she needs to explain her secret. Charlie explains that she had a loving but scary boyfriend, and they got in a fight, and he said that if she left, he would kill himself and she left and he did. The fact that the show paints this as Charlie believing that she is at fault is incredibly annoying, because he was being manipulative and it's not on her to stay with that.

Thankfully in the next scene, Dean says exactly that. But 'spirits don't exactly see in shades of grey' which is a great line.

Sam offers to summon Mary because just smashing the mirror isn't enough. He is very certain about Mary coming after him.

After this statement, Dean breaks about the Jess issue. He says that he's tired of Sam blaming himself, that it isn't his fault that the 'thing' got Jess. He says the nightmares are gong to kill Sam. He says it wasn't Sam's fault

He offers to let Sam take a swing at him if it'll make him feel better because Dean 'dragged him away from her'. Dean is big on allowing people to blame him for things that aren't his fault, and Dean clearly feels some sort of blame for Jess as he brought up Sam swinging at him very quickly.

I know keeping secrets is part of the Winchester brothers life story, but this whole 'I have a secret, and I'm going to tell you I have a secret, but I wont tell you what the secret is' thing is maddening. Sam is keeping secrets that he doesn't have to keep and believing that he has this more important journey to be on, but isn't letting Dean in on what the journey is or what the secret is.

Anyway... Sam summons Bloody Mary, and chaos happens.

We see the boys breaking mirrors, and then Dean has to go out and deal with the police and by deal, I mean that he tries to talk to them and instead knocks them out. All the while Sam is seeing evil reflection Sam, and we learn that Sam was dreaming of Jess's death for days before it happened and that he blames himself for ignoring them and trying to be 'normal'.

Mary then climbs out the mirror like a scary lady and is holding the boys down with power.

But never fear... Dean holds up a mirror and shows Mary her reflection in the mirror and Mary is vanquished.

The mirrors all broken should have given us an inclination of how unlucky the boys would be in life.

Sam tells Charlie she should forgive herself for her boyfriend's death, good advice, and Dean says that Sam should follow his own advice.

Dean asks again what Sam's secret is and instead of using this perfect opportunity to tell Dean, Sam doesn't. Again... maddening.

[strange-and-off-putting]

@mystrothedefender asked for transcription, which I should have provided to start, apologies!

--------

Full name:  Christopher Jonathan Barrie

Vital statistics:  I’ve only ever measured the middle one and that is anything between 32” - 35” depending on how much beer I’ve had

Height:  5’11’’

Colour of eyes:  Hazel

Date of birth:  28/3/60

Place of Birth:  Hanover, W. Germany

First job:  Lawnmower operater, Wycombe District Council (Summer job, ‘75)

First public appearance:  Forget where, but I played a robin in a school nativity play aged about 5

First big break:  Jasper Carrott Election Special ‘83

Ambition: To keep working

Hobbies:  Classic cars etc.

If you could play any part, which part would you choose?:  The title role in that famous movie, “The Adventures of the Man Who Lies on a Beach in the Seychelles and does Bugger All but Eat, Drink, and Shag.”

Favorite food and drink:  Anything in moderation, it might be a cliche but oysters and champeres goes down well as does a pint of bitter and a drop of good malt whiskey

Favorite episode of Red Dwarf:  Marooned (series 3 – great yarn!)

Dimension Jump (series 4 - most fun to do)

Least favorite episode of Red Dwarf:  Backwards seemed fun at the time, but looking ‘back’ at it it looks a bit too silly.  Demon and Angels… my costume was bloody uncomfortable

Favorite TV program:  Varies.  Recently ‘One Foot in the Grave’ less recently ‘Fawlty Towers,’ David Suchet’s ‘Poirot’ is enjoyable – all of these however pale into insignificance compared to ‘Newsroom South East.’

Favorite Book:  The Complete Works of W. Shakespeare must be up there, but would they be as useful as the AA Car Care Handbook?

Favorite film:  Difficult to say – Bond movies and the Raiders Series are fun, Duel (another Spielberg) is brilliant, Some Like it Hot – classic, but how can you leave out Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Person You Most Admire, Past or Present:  One of them has to be Gary Glitter (anyone who can get away with a rug like that for so long must be admirable)

Inside leg measurement:  31’’-ish?

--------

Full name:  Craig FredDread Charles

Vital statistics:  Yes they are ain’t they

Height:  not so tall

Colour of eyes:  not so brown

Date of birth:  on my birthday

Place of Birth:  In hospital

First job:  being a baby

First public appearance: See question 6

First big break:  See question 6

Ambition: Live short, die fast, et quick (big family)

Hobbies:  [he’s drawn an arrow to the previous answer]

If you could play any part, which part would you choose?:  Lister

Favorite food and drink:  Whiskey tequila, crisps

Favorite episode of Red Dwarf:  TimeSlides

Least favorite episode of Red Dwarf:  The Golden Sausage Cat Priest one

Favorite TV program:  Anything with Bob Llewelyn in ’

Favorite Book:  Anything not written by Bob Llewelyn

Favorite film:  Clockwork Orange

Person You Most Admire, Past or Present:  Bob Llewelyn

Inside leg measurement:  10 inches

The quality sucks, but if you can read it, it’s worth it.

Compare and contrast

(From The Red Dwarf Quiz Book, by Nicky Hooks (1994))

[cybernaght]

Guardian rewatch: Episode 9

This episode starts with Zhao Yunlan being a bloody good boss. I’ll talk about how the opinions of others must have affected this man’s perception of himself a little later on, but in this scene it is important to note that Zhao Yunlan is supportive, caring and loyal. Wang Zheng comes to him in tears, asking for permission to leave and see the home she had just remembered, and he not only supports her verbally, but drags his entire team on the trip with her the very next day. Sure, he has are ulterior motives, as he strongly suspects one of the Hallows must be around the same area, but I maintain that Zhao Yunlan would have insisted on going with Wang Zheng regardless.

There are complications to this trip; namely, Wang Zheng is a ghost energy being and can neither be in sunlight, nor leave the SID really. Thus, the plan to take her on the trip includes buying a doll. The implication is that Wang Zheng can be somehow placed inside it, and thus be able to move, but the details of how this is done are actually curiously hazy. I’m not sure if censorship is the reason for muddled writing, but there really is very little explanation for the ghost in a doll situation.

Guo Changcheng is tasked with securing a makeshift body for Wang Zheng, and the boy, eager to act fast, and without much to work with in terms of instructions, ends up buying this.

We can only thank the Universe for the role of Wang Zheng not being played by a blow-up doll for three episodes straight.

Zhao Yunlan instantly realises that being places inside this thing might be a little bit upsetting for his subordinate, and lashes out at Guo Changcheng with an excellent “Is the thing above your neck a urinal?” This snaps Zhu Hong out of her mirth, too; she rushes to her friend’s side to offer emotional support, and will remain there for the entire episode.

I love this blocking, in which Zhu Hong is the only one who feels comfortable approaching Wang Zheng in a situation where she is seemingly being mocked by her male colleagues, as Zhao Yunlan and Guo Changcheng look on, unable to offer a meaningful apology.

The evening prior to this Shen Wei is musing over ancient map of the region. His costume is arranged deliberately so you can see the Pendant of Pining hanging around his neck.

I am really wondering when this was shot, because it looks very out of place. The costume differs from Shen Wei’s usual attire, including chinos and an uncharacteristically ill fitting shirt. His hair looks so wrong I am wondering if this is styling, or a different haircut entirely. And, since we’re on this train of thought, his eye colour is so off I genuinely spent quite a bit of time examining the shots in order to figure out whether he’s wearing contacts. I don’t think he is, by the way, but the colour grading makes his warm syrupy-brown irises look almost olive green.

During the scene it is revealed Shen Wei’s only worry in regards to leaving the city and rushing into what could be trouble is a possibility of Zhao Yunlan encountering danger in his absence. It is easy to see that Shen Wei here firmly associates his own worth with his work as Hei Pao Shi, and his own needs with Yunlan being safe and sound. You could trace this thought process back to the mountainside conversation ten thousand years ago, and to years of loneliness and isolation that followed. While, frankly, equating self-worth with comfort of other it’s not necessarily so unusual, and neither is equating it with one’s work, Shen Wei’s disregard for his own life is still horribly upsetting.

The morning after, Zhao Yunlan with his team and Shen Wei with his students move out of Dragon City. Destination - North-west. I have to ask though, why is Shen Wei taking his students with him? I get that it’s a cover but also: he can totally just teleport where he needs to and do his stuff as Envoy, can he not? It’s fast, efficient, and can all be done during the night without arousing any suspicious.

As it happens, Shen Wei goes by car, which breaks, and causes him to instantly cross paths with Zhao Yunlan. What I like about this meeting is that we see it from an outsider perspective, as we drive into the scene with Lin Jing, Chu Shuzhi and Guo Changcheng.

“Is that Professor Shen? This must be their destiny. They keep meeting each other wherever they go.”

Zhao Yunlan confesses that he feels like Shen Wei bugged him and pops up everywhere he goes; Shen Wei counters by saying that in this case Zhao Yunlan who followed him. Zhao Yunlan can just laugh awkwardly. It’s kind of adorable how the two men just basically admit that they’re stalking each other, and are both kind of okay with that. Shen Wei then introduces the other man to his students as his good friend.

Zhao Yunlan, having already figured out that he is not likely to get any answers from Shem Wei, goes on a charm offensive with his students. I think this is the first time Shen Wei sees Zhao Yunlan using his jovial manipulation on others, and he is not particularly happy about what he is witnessing. Below are the series of facial expressions he wears every time it happens throughout the episode.

The way I read it, this could equally be jealousy, or the daunting - and incorrect - realisation that Zhao Yunlan is being like this with everything that moves. He could be even beating himself up for falling for this man’s charm now that he sees that Zhao Yunlan using the same wide smile as a tool to placate, gain trust and access information. In his mind, this is a further confirmation that he is not in any way special in Zhao Yunlan’s eyes. Again, Shen Wei’s supposition cannot be further from the truth. But you could imagine how he may have come to make to this conclusion.

In this particular case, Zhao Yunlan uses his charm to get some information out of Jiajia, and ends up hearing the direction of their expedition.

Shen Wei nervously adjusts glasses in the shot which is not even his close-up. It’s lovely, seeing how good of an actor Zhu Yilong is. Good actors don’t need to be directed to to most of the little things their characters would do, and don’t have to be told what their character quirks are.

Shen Wei very politely shuts Jiajia up when she starts talking about the earthquake, asking her to get out of the sun, despite this not being a hot day.

“Chief Zhao, you are really good at making people talk.”

As he is making this observation, he is offering Zhao Yunlan his water, because the man mentioned that he may be thirsty, and hydration is important. Should I once again be obsessing over how their fingers are touching here? Perhaps not. I am, once more, doing it anyway.

During the conversation that ensues here, Shen Wei reminds Zhao Yunlan that he was asked not to leave the city, and makes one more attempt at forcing them to part ways after the car fixing is done. Chief Zhao is having none of it. He reminds Shen Wei that no promises were given, and suggests they work together and protect each other instead. It’s interesting how their end goal is similar: they want to keep each other out of harm’s way. But for Zhao Yunlan, who works with a team, this implies sticking together. For Shen Wei, who has been alone for what could have been centuries (we are never given a timeline for when his magical coma ended), this implies being as far away from each other as possible. Many things about their relationship will change - but this one will never do.

Zhao Yunlan proceeds to charm his way into driving Shen Wei’s car. He is after all very good with people, and he’s not afraid to use this skill to keep himself near the Professor.

Next, we have intercut scenes depicting conversations in two separate cars.

Lin Jing is driving Zhu Hong, Guo Changcheng and Wang Zheng in the jeep. There, Guo Changcheng tries his darnedest to offer exceedingly moody Wang Zheng apologies and consolation, but his weak attempts to very little to lighten the young woman’s dark disposition. In the meanwhile, Zhu Hong is seething with resentment and jealousy. She notes discontentedly that Zhao Yunlan once again chose to go and spend time with Shen Wei, hypothesises on why Shen Wei is unmarried, and then goes into a long-winded rant about Zhao Yunlan being an uncaring person. Lin Jing reluctantly participates in this conversation, but he does not look very much like he cares for it.

I have mentioned in my previous recap that those around Zhao Yunlan comment on his crassness, and now I am wondering how much this creates a vicious circle for the man in question. He may have heard - from his father, from his previous romantic partners, from his colleagues - that he is a failure, a boorish, unloving and superficial man who only does things to chase clout and carnal pleasures. It is difficult to not internalise that, and Zhao Yunlan may have just grown to see this as an unshakeable truth about himself.

As for Zhu Hong’s part in this, it is easy to call someone not responding to your advances an uncaring jerk. It does not, however, necessarily make them one.

Curiously enough, the only person speaking up in defence of Zhao Yunlan here is Guo Changcheng. He notes that he considers Chief Zhao to be a nice person; despite only being with SID for a month, he is able to see good intensions behind the bristles. No doubt, this is another case of Xiao Guo being incredibly empathic.

In the other car, Zhao Yunlan is driving Shen Wei and his students. Here, we see the chief continue to crack jokes and use his bountiful charisma to find out more about their expedition. Presumably, this has been going for a while, and Shen Wei’s patience finally runs thin when Zhao Yunlan states that their research must be very important. “Thank you for the compliment”, states Shen Wei flatly, according to subtitles.

According to my dictionary however, what he actually says is, roughly, “Chef Zhao overpraised [us]” (“赵处长过奖了”), which even with my very basic comprehension of Mandarin, I can see as overly formal and clearly dismissive.

Zhao Yunlan seems to be taken aback, and a few seconds pass before he composes his features into one of the chuckles he uses as a mask: it is loud and wide, but does not quite reach his eyes, sliding off his face almost instantly. In the passenger seat, Shen Wei is slowly and deliberately readjusting his own mask.

We cut to Zhu Jiu trying to secure assistance of a whole bunch of Youchu he drags out of the cave. It goes even worse than his other plans do, with the beasts grumbling and effectively refusing to do any work whatsoever.

Zhu Jiu’s ineffectiveness is actually pretty sweet on rewatch, and I am starting to kind of appreciate Wan Naichao in this role. It’s not that I find his performance particularly good, but between the costume, the wig and the script, he does not have an awful lot to work with, and he nonetheless appears to have so much fun hamming it up to his heart’s content. He is not intimidating by any stretch of imagination, but he is surprisingly, albeit ironically, watchable. And, honestly, I would rather watch an actor being hammy and enjoying it than visibly longing for death on set.

After passing a checkpoint through a combination of Zhao Yunlan’s connections and ever-present charm, the now joint SID/DCU expedition shuffles around in cars once again. Despite their destination being allegedly twenty kilometres (or about 12.5 miles) out of town, it takes them a whole day to reach it. Who knows, maybe the Seastar’s measuring units are different.

This time, it is Lin Jing driving, with Shen Wei and Zhao Yunlan having relocated to the back. We see that Zhao Yunlan has got a cold again - which could theoretically be from being so close to the hallows. He sneezes, and Shen Wei microexpressively overreacts.

Then, Zhao Yunlan unceremoniously arranges a pillow on Shen Wei’s shoulder and settles in for a nap. Does he remember napping on Shen Wei’s shoulder a few nights prior to that? Because he might do, considering how comfortable he feels with this casual close contact.

After a momentary panic, and a comment about flu meds, Shen Wei not only lets Zhao Yunlan do it, but also rearranges his pillow several times to make it more comfortable for the other man. I have no hot takes on this apart from just... those two. I love those two. How are they so adorable.

The car enters CGI fog, and promptly get stuck. To make matters worse, Lin Jing says he does not have a phone signal and asks Shen Wei to check his phone. “He does not have a mobile phone”, deadpans Zhao Yunlan before Shen Wei even opens his mouth.

Finally, Zhao Yunlan’s head vacates Shen Wei’s shoulder, and the professor leaves the car to scout the area. Jiajia tries to follow, but Zhao Yunlan dissuades her and goes after Shen Wei himself, catching up just as the other man is starting to scry the surroundings with his powers.

Zhao Yunlan enters the scene quoting poetry to highlight the beauty of their current location.

Shen Wei instantly tries to send him back: partly to continue using his dark energy, and partly, perhaps, out of genuine worry. In response Zhao Yunlan notes that Shen Wei is the only one who can order him around. This is not all done in cheek: it’s actually kind of true. Even before finding out that Shen Wei is powerful and ancient, and imposing, Zhao Yunlan is readily listening to him, and following his lead.

As a precursor to returning to the car, Zhao Yunlan takes his jacket off and drapes it over Shen Wei’s shoulders, despite the other man’s loud protestations. Again, Yunlan has got a cold, and he is visibly filling the chill air later in the scene. He has no way of knowing that this jacket will become a catalyst for his suspicions about Shen Wei’s alter ego, so there can’t be any other reason for him forcing his jacket onto the other man apart from a desire to make sure he is warm and comfortable.

Shen Wei stares at Zhao Yunlan in absolute wonder.

It is easy to believe that the idea of someone wanting to look after him is foreign no Shen Wei: we know from the text of the show that before Kunlun no one has shown him any consideration, and seeing Shen Wei now, it is not difficult to imagine, heartbreaking as it is, that no one has done it since.

Jiajia’s scream cuts through the air, interrupting the scene. As the two men take off in the direction of the sound, Shen Wei grabs Zhao Yunlan by the elbow as they run out of the shot.

When they rejoin Jiajia and Lin Jing, she girl stammers a few words about ghostly presence that she witnessed, and Lin Jing confirms her words, sharing his knowledge about ghosts seen in this area. Zhao Yunlan reprimands him for speeding feudalistic and superstitious concepts. Just remember that their HR manager literally is a semi-corporeal dead woman. This line is such a blatant and somewhat tongue-in-cheek appeasal of the censorship, that it sounds delightfully silly.

The group finally reach the remote village they were heading to. As everyone files out of the cars, they notice a strange looking crow nearby - clearly Ya Qing is checking in on them. Lin Jing proceeds to tease Xiao Guo, saying the young man in unlucky. Chu Shuzhi is looking disapprovingly at this comment, but it’s actually Zhu Hong who shuts it down. She does use this excuse to make an impolite jab at Shen Wei, noting that the misfortunes are someone else’s fault, while looking at her romantic rival from the corner of her eye.

Shen Wei graces the screen with another one of his “why does the snake woman hate me?” faces. 

It’s quite amusing that as the group starts walking towards the guesthouse, Zhao Yunlan sends his people off while he himself deliberately lingers in place, so he can walk with Shen Wei, sneaking a hand across the professor’s back. 

Just as the company enters the premises of the guesthouse, they find a human skull. Of course they do. But the reason I am including this here is to point out that Shen Wei’s reaction is to cover Jiajia’s eyes. Zhu Yilong does not do it in all of the takes used in the scene, which indicates to me that this is an in the moment acting choice. 

Shen Wei then leads his students away to give the SID a chance to investigate. While Lin Jing and Zhao Yunlan do just that, Wang Zheng sinks to her knees and starts praying to comfort spirits of her ancestors. Hilariously, this goes unnoticed for a while.

After completing some preliminary checks on the skull, Zhao Yunlan suggests they park the investigation for the night, citing that he does not want students and their teacher to get ill as the reason for doing so. Da Qing notes that this is more considerations than he shows his subordinates. I don’t think he means it, but it’s a lovely little jab at Zhao Yunlan’s unmistakable crush.

Inside the house, everyone settles in to hear Wang Zheng’s tale of the Hanga tribe. What follows is an massive exposition dump. She sets up as “some things she heard from rumours”, but considering how forlorn she is throughout this tale - and that she was praying earlier - it is pretty obvious that she is of the Hanga tribe herself.

Again, I love the blocking here. Zhu Hong is keeping her shoulder in front of Wang Zheng, protecting her from the strangers (and Shen Wei) that they are sharing the table with. Zhao Yunlan and Da Qing are watching from afar, and Chu Shizhu is perching above them on the stairs. The composition is easy on the eye, and implies that the SID men are ready to protect those at the table from all directions.

Soon, they are interrupted by a villager pretending to be a ghost, and a reluctant village head explains that the outsides may not be welcomed because there has been a murder here in the recent days. Zhao Yunlan and Zhu Hong leave to investigate the crime scene. As they do so, Zhao Yunlan catches the woman gazing upon him in adoration, and freezes uncomfortably, for a second before laughing it off.

He should really force himself to have an uncomfortable conversation with her, but he won’t do it until pushed.

In the meanwhile, Zhu Jiu is having more luck riling the actual ghosts up than he did with the Youchu. After some hesitation - and some baseless threats from our unfortunate villain - the Hanga tribesmen launch an attack against the guesthouse.

Just to note: their masks don’t look anything like the masks Wang Zheng drew. Considering that the guesthouse parts of the episode was likely to have been shot together, I don’t see any explanation for this as it pertains to production.

Chu Shuzhi and Xiao Guo leap into action to fight the ghosts - and the young man actually successfully fends one of them off. They are soon joined by Lin Jing, who leaves Shen Wei in charge of looking after the students and Wang Zheng inside the house. The ghost woman energy being asks to be let outside because she guesses correctly that the ghostly warriors are here for her, but Shen Wei refuses to let her go. The reason he states for denying her is that “Zhao Yunlan would never agree to it.” He knows that the other man would never put his crew in danger - and adopts the same attitude.

Shortly after, Zhu Hong and Zhao Yunlan arrive on the scene.

Here we see for the first time Zhao Yunlan’s painful flashback to his mother’s death, followed by him freezing with the gun in his hand. Zhu Hong does save the way by snatching the weapon away from him and firing it, but she also goes on full offensive afterwards, berating the man. Hers is not a kind response at all, and this type of a reaction is likely to be the reason Zhao Yunlan has not felt comfortable talking about his tragic past, perhaps even seeing it as something to be ashamed of.

After the ghosts disappear, Zhao Yunlan stays outside with his team, and uses the Dial in attempt to locate the other ancient item which he knows is somewhere close.

Shen Wei, on the other hand, tells Wang Zheng about the totem hidden in a cave, and asks her for any information on the matter.

His interrogation does not get him anywhere, but he does get suspicious enough to refrain him from drinking the drugged water she offers everyone present in the very next scene.

It is clear from this shot that after toasting with warm water, everyone goes to down their cups - apart from Wang Zheng and Shen Wei, who lock eyes over their cups for the second.

Having escaped her protectors in the night, Wang Zheng heard towards the cave in which Sang Zan’s spirit is kept, Zhu Jiu hot on her heals, and we witness the first of many flashbacks to her life and death.

Next up, Episode 10: Death By a Thousand Flashbacks.

—

Notes.

The next post here will actually be some thoughts on the Lost Tomb Reboot which I have spent this Easter Weekend binging. And if this post is more Zhu Yilong-centric than usual, this would also be why.

[sanstropfremir]

it's kingdom time for real!!! the first episode is here and mnet finally uploaded the stages from like a month ago so i can actually watch them more than once to review.

happy to see them all actually performing. not the most interesting stages overall, but it was the 100sec one-take so i wasn’t expecting anything crazy. like the performance stages, this is about what i expected at this point in the show.

ranking under the cut, i have Opinions(tm) and they are not all pretty.

(anyone that’s seeing this for the first time, i’m a trained performance designer with over 30 credits and a decade of experience, yes i can talk about this with authority)

a few general notes:

this type of stage that mnet has built is called a traverse, or alley, stage. named exactly for the reason you think. it’s characterized by a narrow playing space with audience on opposite sides, and two entrances on either end. so mnet had a pretty typical setup. there are some advantages to this type of stage:

because of the narrow stage space and usually smaller audience capacity, the performer and audience are in much closer proximity

because of the shape of the space, blocking (choreography but for not-dance) can travel well and be very dynamic

it’s uncommon outside of midsize/small productions so there’s some novelty for the casual theatre goer

however! there are some pitfalls with this type of stage. the hardest type of stage to work with is (theatre) in the round. theatre in the round is characterized by being....in the round. that means the audience is placed 360 degrees around the playing space. which means that they can see everything; every entrance, every exit, every performer’s back, 360 degree sightlines means there is nowhere to hide. and in a medium that relies on concealment to create magic, it’s a tough stage to work with. not saying it doesn’t work. some of the most incredible shows i’ve been to have been theatre in the round, but when you go to those type of shows, as an audience member you understand that there will be some scenes where you only see the actors’ backs. there is no perfect seat in the round. the reverse is true as well, the actors can only act to those in front of them. and like i stated previously, on the production end it becomes difficult to hide things like props/set/costume changes that you might have been able to in another type of theatre. why am i talking about theatre in the round? because traverse works on exactly the same principle. even though the audience is only on two sides, the same issues still arise. directionality is key: a director has to be careful of how exactly the stage gets blocked.

why am i talking about stage formats? because the space always informs the performance, that’s why. i think mnet made a sort of smart choice to build a traverse stage. since the ‘audience’ is a video camera, that eliminates the need to play to the opposing seating banks, and opens up more staging opportunities. it’s a fancy looking stage that does what they need it to. 

now here’s my gripes. if you’re going to specifically orient a stage so that it is by nature directional, why are you broadcasting in a format where direction doesn’t matter? if the camera has no fixed position, then you’ve just skipped directly into in the round staging without taking into account the function of the space. it's a round peg in a square hole; yes it fits, but you can see the spaces where it doesn’t quite match up. for a very obvious example, any shot that is not staring directly down the barrel of the stage from left or right has audience in it. and not enough to be worthy of a reaction shots (because those are just cut in in post), but enough to just be there. why would you do that when you could just.....not? just go properly in the round and then you wouldn’t have that distraction. especially when the audience is wearing white. also, there are only so many ways you can stage on a traverse, you’re pretty much limited to directional points on a compass, because there are literal risers in the way. because of the way most groups are choreographed, the member layouts lean more towards having the members in a line than they do layering the members deep. this configuration is fine on a proscenium stage (which is what most stages are), and would even be fine on a traverse stage if you were playing to the risers. you could even do some interesting choreo alterations. but! because mnet has decided that the camera is perpendicular to the risers, that means that most of the formations are not optimized for the stage dimensions and are in fact the opposite dimensions. most of these groups are doing their longest blocking across the shortest area of stage, which is dumb. although it isn't much of a problem because the stage is still very large, but it's still a bizarre choice on behalf of mnet. why would you not arrange the stage so you have more clearance for the camera, the audience, and also the performers? i would have to check back over the rtk performances, but im pretty sure at one point they switch to an in the round stage. why are you not doing that from the start? this would also allow for more built setpieces. although it does remain to be seen if they do switch after this episode, since this particular challenge was a one-take with minimal props/set pieces. which segues to my next point: these groups barely took up the parameters of the challenge, or utilized them effectively! this is also mnet’s fault, mnet if you say that you’re gonna do a one-take, don't cut between seven other cameras!! show us the power of that single point of view! let the groups actually do some interesting blocking with the path of the camera! there’s so many interesting things they could have done, but no!! had to be boring!! i know this is technically an introductory stage, but i also don't care. these groups have (relatively) competent ADs and stylists, they can think outside the box.

ok now here’s my actual rankings:

1. btob

sorry babies, none of you can match them vocally. love you ateez but you sure fucked up picking them to go after you because they blew you out of the fucking water. and everyone else, but ateez cumulatively is the weakest vocally. more on that later. like the performance stage they showcased their strengths and the experience (and training) shows. good use of the directional stage having three vs one that came together in the middle. loved the white suit variations, im especially a sucker for a belted suit jacket. loved peniel's gigantic trench and massive earrings, very mid 90s, his stylist definitely took a lesson in how to accessorize very short hair. always love good use of fog. uniform colour theme, all elements were there to support the vocals. no complaints, chef’s kiss.

2. ikon

hey baby groups? see bobby having fun? do that more. i know you think performance face is sexy and serious but none of you know how to act and you all look dead inside on stage. the lights may be on but nobody’s home. anyways. excellent beginning formation, excellent ending formation, no complicated position changes that make the camera give you motion sickness. fun choreo that they are obviously having fun performing, which goes sooooo far in the success of a performance. only group so far to use silence as an effective device, and the arrangement was interesting and suited to the song+performance. i think it was smart of them not to deploy bobby right away, although it would have been funny to watch after whatever it was that stray kids was trying to do. again, like btob and also sf9, sticking to their strengths. costumes fun and fitting, indicative of both the colour of the group and of the song. nice detail in the monochrome and the black accent details.

3. sf9

taeyang is that bitch and they only way this would have been better is if he had actually grabbed the ties of those two other members (if you think i am going to remember anyone's names other than the people i already know you are wrong). love the confidence to waste a good chunk of your 90 seconds for walking and standing in formation. actual good use of one-take directional camera, even though they ruined it once they started dancing. choreo perfectly fine, lighting good complementary colour scheme, costumes nothing to write home about, surprisingly good projection design? wasn’t expecting that. im not the biggest fan white suit jackets over black shirts but ill give it a pass for the proper suit accessorizing.

4. ateez

i applaud your dedication to the pirate gimmick but boys you don't need that anymore, i promise. hongjoong's lil bloody cough was a fun gag that didn't draw too much attention but fit with the theme. came out of the gate strong with an actual clear narrative, which can be a challenge to do in 100 seconds, and the only group to have a narrative. also actual camera choreo! that was interesting! mnet stop fucking cutting to overhead shots! apparently im destined to always be beefing with the ateez stylists because what was the point of all that? very little variation in texture or pattern on matte all black just made any relevant details disappear. torch gimmick and end formation fun, and the arrangement had an obvious climax. weird and kinda fun projection design, but not helped by concert-style stage lighting. pick one or the other lighting designer, don't make them fight like that! props to them for actually having their mics on the whole time, even though they are probably the weakest group vocally. im also going to be beefing with the choreographer because they are always making seonghwa sing while doing ridiculous moves that make him go offkey. ateez has some of the stronger 4th gen vocals, but they're at a disadvantage because a) none of them have proper vocal training, and b) their main vocal is not actually a skilled singer and is destroying his voice.not a lot of vocals for them to showcase this stage and that was probably for the best. hanya (@changdyke) is in charge of vocals critique and will have more to say about this than me, even though i am also trained. im just here to talk about the production.

5. the boyz

im neutral to positive on tbz because i did really like their danger stage from rtk. this performance is just....fine. I don’t like the arrangement, but that's mostly personal opinion. but it doesn't have a conclusive end and the whole dissonance thing isn't really working for me in this instance. the choreo is quite flippy and tricking is not necessary for an interesting choreo. i did like the throwback/use of modern choreo, i think that's a strong choice for them and it's not something that many other groups are doing, so they should stick more to that than to tricking. the camera choreo is also not good. here’s where the clearance issues and fighting against the stage layout happen! stop making a handheld do a 180! are you trying to make us motion sick? to be fair, this is not the most egregious one, but at least ateez got it right by having a person lead the camera in a particular pattern. also, what even is the theme here? leatherclad boys in the forest? nobody give me any shit saying it's based off one of their music videos or whatever, that shouldn't matter. there should be a clear theme that can be easily identified without prior knowledge of the group, especially when this is an introductory stage and they are a relatively young group. none of the other groups have this issue. that being said, at least the costumes were interesting to look at, although thematically confusing. good use of accessories, texture, and bedazzling to make the black stand out against the stage. the hands in front of the camera were kind of fun but didnt really mean anything? again, back to the lack of clear concept. i did like them reaching out to pull that member forward, it would have been better if they had just left it at that.

6. stray kids

the more i watch this the more i hate it. im not even sorry about it anymore. starters, and i will admit this upfront: i do not like most 4th gen music, so the spiderman meme groups are already operating on a deficit in my point of view. and i particularly did not like this arrangement. same as with tbz, why did it not have a conclusive end? also overuse of sound effects. and stop saying your fucking band name! the only musician that’s allowed to do that is jason derulo and thats because hes a meme now. but twice in 100 seconds? no. and what was the point of that logo/crown reveal? im tired of crown reveals we have seen them so many times by now, we don't need to see it again. was it meant to be that they were carving it into the ground?? very unclear. there was an attempt with camera choreo, and i will admit that the pan up and then back down to the ‘wolf pack’ was probably the strongest moment in the whole performance. the lights were in their mouths, by the way. however, the rest of the choreo is all over the map, quite literally. as with tbz there’s a lot of members in the group and so in order for everyone to get their screen time they break down into smaller groups, which i don't disagree with on principle, but here.........the breakdowns are just tricking, which although eyecatching, does not a very compelling or cohesive choreo make. even the unison choreo is weird, obviously its stylized horror but it just looks awkward and strange. you can make awkward/unattractive choreo work (see taemin’s want, or even move, to some extent)***, but skz doesn't have an ounce of the charisma that taemin has so it just looks awkward. also, that rapid switch between opposite sides of the stage? nausea inducing. ateez was the one with the pirate concept but skz apparently trying to make us seasick. im not gonna say anything about that rap other than it was bad, why was that allowed on stage. the sparkthrower was fun but that's like the 14th gimmick in this 100 second stage and that’s too many gimmicks. costumes are truly nothing to write home about, extremely unclear relation to the theme. if you're gonna be wolves then at least have some fur accents or something. the makeup effects were a bit over the top and not necessary in the actual performance. a hairdresser needs to thin out felix’s hair because he looks like he's wearing one of those lego hair helmets. oh, i did like that one guy’s shirt with the collarbone cutout, but again: how is that relevant to the theme? cmon people!!!! design the whole experience!! im sure there’s more i could write but holy shit this is long and im tired and also i don't want to watch this stage anymore.

ok im done. jesus this is long. again, this is just the intro stage so i suspect that some of my complaints will become null next week, but we’ll have to see! well, what i actually want to see is changmin insulting children but i’m not holding out hope for that to happen. hopefully we see some more spectacle-y stages and i can really go in.

***this is not me saying that taemin has a bad choreo that he’s making the best of. want is purposefully choreographed that way in order to showcase taemin’s ability. same with move. the point of want is that it IS awkward and should not be seductive or appealing and yet it still is. almost like....it’s in the name of the song or something.....

[skamamoroma]

“I Told Sunset About You” - Review/Recap/Whole Bunch of Nonsense Rambling about my Love!

Every now and then a show comes along that I get absolutely knocked off my feet by and I can’t stop thinking about it until I write a whole bunch of nonsense because it’s THAT GOOD and this damn show. I’ve thought about it all week. Outside of the SCU and other longer running stuff, the last time a show sidetracked me like this was San Junipero and I dreamed about that episode for weeks! This show got to me so much that I knew I had to write that whole bunch of nonsense for real and I decided to write a bit of a review and then some specific posts about some of the themes, metaphors, ideas and shots etc that I adore. So if this is not your thing, I tag religiously!

So if you haven’t seen it, the show is about two young boys, Teh and Oh-aew, living in Phuket in Thailand about to take their entry exams/go through the Uni acceptance process. They were childhood best friends until they had an argument which caused them to stop speaking to one another for many years until they meet again at a Chinese class. The story is about friendship, identity, love, rivalry, family, authenticity, ambition and growing up. It’s sweet, funny, painful, warm, difficult, romantic, hopeful, honest and insightful. I hope you don’t fall asleep reading... !

My friend in Japan recommended this show to me. I watch a lot of movies/tv from different parts of the world but rarely from this part of the world not because I don’t want to - I DO! - I just don’t know what’s good and I tend to rely on recommendations from friends or coming across things by chance. If you’ve followed me for even a while, you know my JAM is character driven, nuanced, beautiful shows that go heavy on authentic emotion but use cinematography/music/sound/colour and other creative tricks to further the story. Nothing makes me go starry eyed more than a show SHOWING without a single moment of TELLING where it isn’t necessary and this show hit every single one of those things and more to the point that I was completely swooning at how much of a masterpiece it is. I swear some tiny moments in this show have me floored with how effective and meaningful they are. ARGH. 

As icing on the cake, it’s beautifully LGBT+ themed (written in part and, I believe, directed by LGBT+ folks - if I’ve got that wrong from translations, let me know). These themes are created with care and love, felt refreshing with characters I don’t feel I’ve really seen before. I know that there is info to suggest that they wanted to create this show much more FOR LGBT+ folks and to differentiate it from a style of show that is perhaps more popular for a mainstream audience or a certain audience that wants a certain thing from some Thai dramas (I’m personally not into BL - I think that’s what the genre is called as I kinda don’t know how to feel about that stuff being hella tropey and made for a specifically straight female audience)… and you can tell. They apparently didn’t promote this as that genre. Some of the other themes were so interesting and explored so beautifully. The idea of rivalry and competition was handled with so much insight and depth that it really did stun me at time’s how skilled the writing is. 

The acting… oh the acting. I know Billkin and PP have apparently been close friends for many years but even that sometimes doesn’t guarantee to equal this level of chemistry. They are stunning actors, genuinely nuanced, so charismatic and loveable. I love that even the sad anguished moments are messy as hell (and a couple so delightfully dramatic), the gentle sweeping romantic moments are swoon worthy and allowed to linger or exist in silence, the tension they create is often feels a little too intrusive to watch and the nuance - so much is said without saying anything at all. Some specific moments are handled with so much care when dealing with really complex emotion and I’m floored to see such young actors achieve some of the moments they do because some of the emotion is genuinely complex. There’s a lot of Teh who is terribly complex and to achieve that balance between difficult to work out and yet still feeling like you understand him is a very tricky thing and yet, that’s what I felt when I watched his character. I am in awe of their abilities to be honest and just found them completely mesmerising from start to finish. I love that a lot of their character traits are established so strongly through acting choices that by the end, when both have come kinda full circle and have learned from the other, you can see the OTHER in the OTHER, if that makes sense! Teh in the final few scenes takes on some of Oh’s characteristics. It’s so noticeable but never oversold. Perfect.I can’t overstate this enough! Some moments left me breathless for so many reasons. 

My mum lived in Thailand for a while and in Phuket where the show is set and I loved seeing stuff I recognised from a few of her photographs. I felt I learned a lot about Thai culture too, stuff my mum would have learned and I adored the world surrounding these characters! Btw, if I get anything incorrect re: the culture - come shout at me! :)

The music. Knowing that the soundtrack was written for the show and sung mostly by the two leads was such a surprise because they are beautiful songs. The score is, and I cannot emphasise this enough, bloody gorgeous. There are parts where they play the most gentle soft piano music that kinda breaks my heart and others when they perfectly place the most uplifting soaring sounds that enhance some simple scenes so much that they felt so impactful. There’s a song on the score called Skyline Minimal which is used in a specific scene and in the documentary the director talks about how just the sound of it, you don’t need the lyrics, it just makes you miss someone and makes you cry and he’s absolutely spot on so that when you hear it, what happens on screen just shatters your heart. The soundtrack is woven into the storyline so deeply that the lyrics are used, the melody is used to trigger Oh-aew’s memories at one point and the pretend source of the main song, Skyline, is directly linked to not only the idea of learning Chinese and what that means for them both as characters and as a pair but two of the main themes of the season, ambition and identity! 

The cinematography. Christ on a bike. I could write essays. I am a sucker for meaningful camera work, stuff that does half of the storytelling for you and I cannot praise this more highly other than to say it’s close to perfect. Some moments are so absolutely mesmerising and meaningful that a simple movement or a simple peek at something means a LOT. I’m going to have to write a whole damn post on some of my favourite moments because I can count on one hand the shows/movies of late that I’ve seen that achieve what this show does with camera work, directorial choices and general approach to non-verbal story telling. The level of thought and detail and using a camera in a creative and loving way... I found it so moving and so beautiful the way you could feel the level of consideration that went into the smallest moments, how entire moments of character development were done silently…

The use of metaphor. Anyone who knows me knows I am absolutely WEAK for this stuff. If a good complex emotion or concept can be developed in a way other than with words then I am yours… I will read into everything, enjoy every clever reference and revel in the use of colour or light or sound or motif. This show was a gift in that sense. I’m going to end up writing posts about stuff like the use of colour and the hibiscus flower and coconuts and the use of Chinese words. Again, some moments were so genuinely beautifully done and unexpected that I was like a kid in a sweetshop and was a little swoony over them. There are some moments when the Chinese phrases/words are used through their tutoring in a way to sum up the character’s feelings, moments are built up to by establishing motifs that, when used to their conclusion make for the most BEAUTIFUL or gut wrenching moments. The hibiscus flower scene/colouring in may  be one of my most favourite scenes in the whole show and I just smile thinking of how wonderfully it was developed.

Another thing I truly adored was how I genuinely loved every single character. There’s no demonisation, no discarding of characters at the expense of others (especially as I hate when women in movies are treated this way when there’s no reason to), no characters who are used as scapegoats. If anything, you come out adoring the characters who traditionally “get in the way” of a pairing because, well, they don’t. They don’t feel in the way or an annoyance. They feel genuine and lovely and you root for them. That’s a really really kind way to treat your characters but, above anything, it’s just lovely to see that much consideration given to characters to treat them all as humans. I get a little sick of seeing ‘bad guys’, you know? I like flawed, messy but human people. Hoon as a big brother is so understated but when he appears and when it matters, some of his moments are so genuinely emotional it’s amazing how they allow him to be a typical brother, kinda dismissive and teasing his younger sibling but then he’s THERE and really fully there for his brother in some truly significant moments. It felt so earned for me and goodness, one moment kills me when Teh is full on in the middle of a family fight, sobbing and confused and in a room of them all, Hoon goes directly to his brother and the simple way it happens had me in bits. Apparently, that was an improvised scene too so it makes it a little special.

The ending. Any LGBT+ soul out there knows the pain of watching another miserable ending and, don’t get me wrong, I’m ALL FOR endings where you don’t necessarily get what you WANT but only ones that make sense and are earned so they make you think or realise you don’t NEED what you want etc. BUT also want happiness and hope and love and watching LGBT+ characters thrive. Not to spoil, but they treat these two very well by the end… you just have to make your way through a box of tissues first!

So yeah, it was alright. Hahahaha. I genuinely think it’s a masterpiece. I feel the love and care that went into it, the time taken to consider and think and find ways to say a LOT by saying very LITTLE. I feel the commitment to LGBT+ media, little nods to other shows/moments… I feel their wish to be original and to try to make new characters feel fresh and unseen. I just adored it and I’m so grateful it exists because as a piece of art, when you finish it and can write legit essays (and I’ve seen posts other people have written and I’m in NO WAY the only one here) then you know you’ve done something kinda special! So that’s me, getting my whole bunch of nonsense down… and now I can make specific posts and ramble a whole bunch more! Mwahaha.

[virtual-toast]

Scream Queens VH1 recap - Season 1 Episode 2

Michelle, Sarah, Kylah, and Jessica come back from the grand ballroom and the rest of the girls are shocked and/or pissed that Jo-Anne went home instead of Kylah. Lindsay says “This house will mourn the loss of Jo-Anne” and Sarah, in tears, calls her “such a sensational actress”, which are both super melodramatic reactions, you knew Jo-Anne for three days, but okay. Meanwhile Kylah has no idea why everyone is upset that she’s still there haha.

The following day sees Kylah declaring the house has been divided into the “queen bitches” (herself, Michelle, Lina, and Angela) and the “more homely girls” (Marissa, Lindsay, and Sarah). I’m assuming she’s put Tanedra and Jessica in the latter category too but she doesn’t mention them specifically. The bitchy girls talk shit about the other girls behind their backs, specifically about how they think Sarah didn’t deserve to win the previous episode, that she’s ugly and annoying, etc.

The girls meet up with Shawnee who tells them they have 15 minutes to dress themselves up and impress a casting director (Kelly Wagner, who seems pretty cool tbh) with the winner getting a guaranteed callback. While getting ready, Michelle and Angela mention that if the winner is not one of the bitchy girls, the competition must be rigged. An awful lot of confidence for week 2, lol.

The girls go back into the room with Shawnee and meet Kelly. They take turns doing a sort of one on one interview / audition, which I’m gonna summarise in dot points because they each get a small amount of screen time:

Lindsay talks about being a child actor and Kelly says that means she probably actually has a harder job than someone just starting out. Lindsay is wearing a weird sort of frilly top and skirt with polka dots but it somehow doesn’t really work for her shape, and Kelly mentions it as well as Shawnee straight up calling her frumpy. True, but also, rude.

Lina goes up and immediately shakes Kelly’s hand. She doesn’t even get a word out before Kelly is like “yeah no, don’t shake casting directors’ hands, personal space / germs” etc.

Kylah talks about playing Price is Right with her brother which Kelly says is a bad choice because she’s automatically associating herself with being a model rather than an actress. Kylah proceeds to mention that she wants to “get ugly, get dirty, like Halle Berry did in Monster.” cringe

Marissa gets up and starts off on this huge spiel about how horror films are like modern Greek tragedies and everyone is just staring at her like GIRL WHAT.

Michelle introduces herself and Kelly asks if she primarily does theatre because of her big personality. Michelle proceeds to brag about being Miss Teen Texas.

Jessica is wearing a smart-casual outfit of jeans and a simple white top with her trademark giant hoop earrings. Kelly comments on her look being unique. Jessica is kinda speaking like a cute little girl who doesn’t want to let the evil out??

Angela mentions how she thinks she has the stereotypical horror “look”. Her outfit isn’t relevant but I have to mention it anyway - it honestly looks like she cut the top off a blue evening gown to wear as a shirt?? and then just jeans. Like idk.

Sarah introduces herself and Kelly immediately comments on her unique nasally voice.

Tanedra tells Kelly that she has no formal training. Kelly says “And you think you can beat out all these girls?” and Tanedra’s like YES. Fuck yeah get it girl.

So Kelly goes ahead and gives her overall impressions - Kylah has no personality, Angela has the best horror look, Lindsay looks like the best friend rather than the leading lady, Marissa is the one she didn’t remember, and she liked Jessica’s personal style. Ultimately she gives Jessica the guaranteed callback, and also sends Lindsay and Marissa for makeovers which Michelle finds hilarious.

The girls go back into the house and Kylah proceeds to have a tantrum about not winning, stating that if the casting director was a man the results would have been different. But get this, she DOES NOT CHANGE EXPRESSION THE ENTIRE TIME. Even when she’s yelling “I’M ABOUT TO CRY” she literally just has this blank look on her face like is she actually made of wax?? Meanwhile Lindsay and Marissa have their makeovers, Lindsay gets a cool short reverse A-line bob cut and looks really badass, while Marissa gets her hair dyed jet black and cut in choppy layers. It looks fine but you can tell by her face Marissa is not happy.

The girls go to Homa’s class and since the week is all about first impressions, they have to do freeze frame shots of particular expressions, I guess so they can see what they actually look like vs. what they think they look like or something. Most of the girls do pretty well, Tanedra kills it again, Marissa bombs, and Kylah once again LITERALLY DOES NOT CHANGE EXPRESSION. What the fuck.

Back at the house the girls are all gushing over Lindsay and Marissa’s makeovers, Michelle voices her jealousy despite earlier thinking it was hilarious, and Angela is mad that she’s no longer the only one with her “look”, even though she and Marissa don’t look the same at all, the only similarity is the colour of their hair?? Marissa goes and has a cry about her hair because she’s now lost all her confidence and honestly it’s actually kinda sad / hard to watch.

The next day they find one of the rooms in the house has been filled with creepy dolls and of course one of them is actually a person that jumps out and scares them because omg what a funny prank haha. The “doll” tells them their director’s challenge is a photoshoot which many of the girls are stoked about. They’re basically given generic horror themes and have to shoot the poster. Dot points again!

Lina gets “Tie Die” and her costume is literally a length of rope that’s wrapped around her. She immediately cracks the shits and goes into full blown diva mode, complaining about her costume, how apparently difficult her theme is compared to other girls, telling the makeup and hair people how to do their jobs, etc. Whaaaaat, Lina is a bitch?? This is brand new information!! Unfortunately she still does a really good job with the photoshoot.

Lindsay gets “Blinded By the Fright” and her costume is a hospital gown and white contact lenses, which she has difficulty putting in but is EXTREMELY polite about it with the makeup lady (a nice juxtaposition to Lina’s bitch fest). Lindsay also does really well in the photoshoot.

Kylah gets “Thin Skin” which she comments sounds like a porno, lmao. Her costume is literally just black liquid latex painted all over her body and the other girls are fucking FROTHING with jealously. Kylah proceeds to completely bomb the challenge, giving absolutely no emotion and James literally has no idea how to direct her.

Michelle gets “Don’t Go in the Water” and is basically just wearing a bikini, but then James dumps a bottle of cold water all over her. She does really well in the photoshoot.

Sarah gets “Blood Skate”, her costume is just a bloody ice skating outfit, and she does okay.

Tanedra gets “Prom Scream”, she is wearing a bloody prom dress, and she does really well.

Jessica gets “The Butcher’s Girl” and she’s literally wearing a hat, gloves, no shirt, just an apron and shorts? And there’s blood? This one confuses me. She does okay.

Angela gets “Monster’s Wedding” which some of the other girls (correctly) complain is SUPER easy - she’s literally in a wedding dress posing with a bloody hand prop. She does fine but I mean all she has to do is stand there and smile??

Marissa gets “Mummy Maker” and she’s wrapped in what I assume are bandages but it looks like toilet paper? She’s pretty covered, including the bottom half of her face, and she’s supposed to be seductive but honestly it kinda just feels like an awkward interpretive dance??

The next day back at the house, Marissa vents to the other girls about her insecurity with her new hair. Like I know it’s just hair but it’s kinda sad, they completely changed her look which obviously fucks with her confidence. The girls get their photoshoot posters and everyone is stoked except Marissa (rightfully) and Lindsay, who basically has an anxiety attack and hates hers even though everyone is telling her how great it is. Whoo boy I relate to Lindsay so hard. Jessica reads the list which summons Marissa, Kylah, Lindsay, and Lina to the grand ballroom. They all think they’re at the bottom except Lina, who of course thinks she’s top shit.

In the grand ballroom, Lina gets pulled forward and despite doing well in the challenge, the judges straight up read her for being a bitch, which is hella satisfying let me tell you. Lindsay gets pulled forward and the judges tell her that she did an awesome job and that she needs to go easier on herself, before awarding her the week’s leading lady. Marissa and Kylah are predictably the bottom two, Marissa gets told she’s overthinking everything and Kylah just that she’s completely emotionless. Kylah gets the axe and Marissa lives another week.

Stay tuned for Season 1 Episode 3!

[allyvampirelass29]

When Good Fathers Take BAD Roads

When Good Fathers Take BAD Roads A NOS4A2 Review By: Allyssa J. Watkins

The Wraith screams, racing breakneck with demon speed A wicked black flash, gone and there like smoke Ferrying passengers three, wearing the faces of ghosts What shadows chase you, Charlie, accompanied by those you love the most? Are you going to kill your darlings On this, the Road of No Return? Tires squeal and rubber burns A pathway forms more nightmare than real A knife ripping through reality, tearing at the tragic seam The road to Christmasland is paved in screams Your daughter transformed, while you ignore your wife's haunting cry Hold on, Good Father, for the ride of your life.

HOLY SMASH, and MERRY FREAKING CHRISTMAS!!!!! "Good Father," was the ride, the MIND TRIP of my LIFE, as chilling, as it was thrilling, screaming unyielding into the drastic extreme, blinding light, and drowning darkness, happy and horrible, beautiful, and brutal, and it was a ride I only just barely survived. This is me, breathing heavy, adrenaline pumping, my legs giving out, kissing the ground, and yet, I have never felt this conflicted, torn up inside, about anything I've ever seen, drawn transfixed to the effervescence, the beckoning dream, and yet eviscerated by the looming, blood-dripping grin of the abject HORROR. What the HELL just happened!?

Okay, breathe, Ally...... So much to say, and yet my mind is a trembling mess of disparity, driven in the Wraith to the edge of madness itself!!! First off, can we just marvel at the enigmatic force, the sheer brilliance, and other worldly acting prowess that is possessed by our Mister Zachary Quinto!?!? I am CONVINCED he is an actual Strong Creative, and has graciously drawn us all in, in order to witness him build his inscape, and speak actual MAGIC!!! Besides being a catastrophic kind of handsome, the dark allure that you long to destroy you, striking your eyes, and stealing your heart, making you his happy, breathless victim, Zachary shifts effortlessly between dream and nightmare, being beautiful and terrifying, waltzing between both, with a passion that will leave you shell-shocked.

This episode is so hard to analyze, because it possesses both the brightest, happiest, most achingly euphoric scenes of the series, while also the creeping, darkest hours I have ever known. It begins like a splashy, champagne, Downton Daydream, Our Beloved Charles, delighting and igniting our passions, with his adorable antics, donning a pair of matchstick fangs, and we all heave a lovesick sigh, longing so to be the girl in his arms, that he's playfully pretending to bite. You will ALWAYS be My Nosferatu....... I whispered it along with her, watching the joy pierce through the calm dark of those perfect eyes, and all I want is to be her, his wife, Mrs. Manx. I was so excited, so impressed by this coy wink to NOS4A2's own parent material, the original 1922 silent film, “Nosferatu,” upon which our mad fever fantasy is based, that I broke into the biggest grin, shaking my head at the pure genius of it. Charles' distaste for the picture, and scoffing opinion, mocking it, calling it ridiculous, was a pure, tongue in cheek, joy, and I'm still trembling from when he said, "Love Bite." Ooooh, and the scene in the bedroom was so intimate and beautiful, as Charlie and Cassie share their dreams for the future, along with a dance and a passionate kiss, as some wonderous news is revealed. The family Manx is to become three, with a little sugar plum named Millie!!!

I wept when Charles held his daughter for the first time, as I realized THIS is where his obsession with Christmas began, as he received the greatest gift of them all. Every time he "saves," a new child, he gets to feel it all over again, in the glow of the coloured lights, and the tinkling bells of the music, what it's like to be a father, and to be loved, unconditionally by a child. He gazes at her with the purest, most profound love, even while his Father in Law, treats him perfectly horrid, openly degrades him, and yes, in one heart-stopping moment calls him a vampire!!! I was SPEECHLESS!!! His bond with his daughter is so powerful, and endearing, I sobbed, the most joyous tears ever I have shed, watching him tuck his beautiful little girl into bed, and soothe her fears in the flash of a lightning strike, both of them carefully constructing Christmasland in their minds, never knowing they would find it beyond the realm of lost dreams. I felt so happy I thought I could die, so moved by this tender scene, so oblivious as to what lay in wait......... as we twisted slowly around the corner.........

It was jarring enough, flashing between these idyllic Currier and Ives scenes, all luminous oil paintings come to life, to Charlie's decaying, autopsied, Frankenstein creature, shuffling, groaning, bleeding, through the living world. And yet, that was rather interesting, the ghastly contrast between Charlie's wonderful life, and the re-animated husk of his gruesome death. I especially loved his joyride in the stolen zebra print car!!! That was hilarious!!! However, the turn that I knew was coming, that I dreaded, was far more stomach-churning, and desperately frustrating than I could have ever prepared myself for.

Again, Zachary's acting was mesmerizing, every expression, every wild look in his eye, was so beautifully, and breathlessly performed, but for me, it was the writing itself, that went screaming off the rails. Charlie goes from the perfect husband, the most charming, and doting father, to difficult, suspicious, and accusing, for seemingly no reason at all. The way he spoke about his first wife in Parnassus, I expected to see her become the begrudging, bitter ball and chain he made her out clearly to be. But Cassie's sins are few and far between, and her punishments, and especially her disturbingly MORBID end, are unjustified. She tries to be practical by asking Charlie very politely if she should get a job, to which Charlie responds with unprovoked venom, with the same malice as if she'd revealed she'd been unfaithful. Thus begins, this odd new trend of Charlie continuously overreacting, entirely out of character, and blaming Cassie for everything going so wrong, actively wanting to hurt her, even selling off her mother's priceless heirlooms. My head hurt, my heart broke, and my GOD something was rotten in Christmasland!!! I realized then, that this whole episode has the faintest cyanide taste of audience manipulation.

"Good Father," seems to serve the single and sole purpose of turning the audience against Charlie Manx, and I could feel the force of the plot, trying to shift my mind in that unnatural direction. I could see the clever scheme at work, the writing on the wall, as they must have thought....... They love him too much........ Let's give Charlie his BITE back. Let's take this beautifully unique, nuanced, wounded, enigmatic, anti-hero, and make them love him even more, show him in all the tenderness, and affection they have so long craved, let them fall in love with him all over again, and then........ let's make them hate him, see that he is beyond saving, the incarnation of the purest evil. Let's ruin him, and that's how we'll ruin them. WHY!? This is the question that has kept me up in relentless frustration all week. WHY spend all this time, crafting this fascinating, deliciously intricate character, learning the pains and joys and hopes of his life, just to laugh it off, and say, oh no, Charlie Manx is a monster, and you're wrong for liking him!? To them I say, "If loving Charlie Manx is wrong....... I don't wanna be right." Because in spite of the blood curdling atrocities, and my tearful horror in the face of such plot, I can't not LOVE Charlie Manx.

What I have always loved about NOS4A2, is the way it flirts with the elements of horror, skirting teasingly around the sharp edge without fully going there. The final scene however screams full speed ahead into that sickening foray, and I was left trembling, terrified, sobbing stricken with just that. HORROR.

"Charlie, STOP, you're going to kill us all!!!"

"On that, My Dear, we are agreed."

While I was confused as to whether it was his intent to kill them all, drunkenly crashing his Wraith, or if he knew what terror would transpire on the way to Christmasland, this was a ride none of them were coming back from. Its gut-wrenching, frightening images, are matched only by its lack of even a semblance of sense. Charlie watches, excitedly, as his darling daughter's teeth fall out in a bloody display, absorbing her youth, her lifeforce, transforming her into a soulless vampire, and he doesn't so much as bat one of his gorgeous eyelashes, as his child kills and feasts on her mother's flesh. Yeah, I know........ MORBID. I was also bewildered as to how the car turned Charlie into a vampire of youth, and Millie into one of blood. Also, call me crazy, but....... Does not one first have to die to become a vampire?

But even more a glaring folly, no way in HELL would Charlie EVER kill his family, his sweet baby, no matter how bad things were with Cassie. Wouldn't it make SO much more sense for him to steal her back, and thus wouldn’t he come to see kidnapping synonymous with “saving,” a child, if Millie was the first one? Instead of having him try to kill them all, if that even was his dark intent, I would have had Cassie and Charlie fighting in the car, and Charlie, distracted by the quarrel, swerve, losing control, accidently crashing the Wraith. Cassie would be too far gone, but through his connection to the car, his Wraith would fight to save him, even if it meant borrowing a little siphon of his own daughter's youth.

Yeah, hey, let's talk for a quick sec about The Wraith. We know Charlie's life is connected to this mysterious car, but what we didn't know was how he acquired it........ until now. I don't know about you guys, but having Charlie simply purchase it, felt cheap to me, like it took away the magic of the fated knife, that he was always supposed to have. Bought. Sold. Done. NO. I didn't like it, and it never proved evident of the bond between Charlie and his Wraith. I would have had him find it, since he couldn't afford a new car on his own, a carcass, old, disused, rusted, and lovingly restore it, nurse it back to health, to life, until it shined. Charlie has a relationship with this car, a supernatural tie, and to me that would have been so much better, so much more meaningful than him pawning his wife's valuables to buy it. Meaning anybody could have done the same. One thing I LOVED about that scene, however, was seeing our dear Charles in his resplendent royal blue and blood red Chauffer's garb for the first time ever!!!! What a sneaking joy!!!

That's the thing about this episode, it's a dangerously mixed cocktail of anti-depressants and alcohol. There's so much to love, so much to hate, and so much to work over and over, trying to figure, until the point of insanity!!! I LOVED everything between our Miniature McQueen and young, hot, plaid clad Charlie, (HELLO SYLAR, am I right!?) and my heart STOPPED when I saw him over Wayne's shoulder, my pulse on pause, as they talked, and Charlie tutted disapproving, at the boy having never had a Christmas, not knowing who he was, who his mother was......... The suspense, the tension, was riveting.

I don't know how I feel about this impressive effort, trying to get me to despise Bing less, by having him say propaganda like, "I thought I was so big, because I had too much sad in me." That broke my heart, and it was infuriating, because I didn't want to feel any sympathy for him. No NOS4A2, you cannot try to turn me against My Magnificent Mister Manx, and in the same space, try to get me to like Bing CREEPER Partridge!!!! The scene in the graveyard was exceptionally well done, and I'm still shivering from the hushed thrill in Charlie's voice as he whispers. "He needs saving, Bing Partridge, don’t you agree?"

"Good Father," was an even more thrilling prospect as a title to me than, "Bad Mother," because I always knew it was true. Although, in retrospect, one is more inspired brilliance than the other. Can you still be a good father, and watch proudly as your young daughter becomes a monster, devouring her mother? Can you still be a good father, and leave your daughter, after she thought you were dead for eight years? Charlie is a good father, that went down a BAD road, and has forgotten the way back, although he still dons every surface appearance, as such. I did like when he made Millie apologize to his new charge, and curtsy with a begrudging welcome, spoken through her gritted teeth. That was adorably paternal, and one hundred percent Charlie!!!! However, as a whole, this episode persists as the mystery I can't solve, making me feel every emotion possible on the human spectrum, drinking in the dream, blissfully intoxicated, and sobbing uncontrollably, terrified out of my mind, the next.

Charlie may not be, "The Good Father," he once was, but a glimmer of it shines like a forgotten ember in his obsidian eyes, and despite the glaring conclusion this episode emphatically urges you to make, I still hold that there is good in Charlie, and that he can be saved. I also think it speaks revelations toward labels. Vic is no more a scarlet letter branded Bad Mother, than Charlie is a Good Father. There is good and bad, hero and villain, in all of us. It just depends what roads we're willing to take.

[gaiatheorist]

“50% Feminine.”

I’m going mad again, I’m listing probable reasons, but going mad isn’t reasonable, it’s something that just happens to me from time to time. This is one of the slow, creepy-uppy episodes, not one of the sudden, explosive ones, possibly less dangerous, but incredibly draining. It’ll pass, it always does, it had better do, it’s bloody horrible.

Standard disclaimer, I am at increased risk of harm, but I have no intent or ideation of deliberately harming myself, apart from drinking too much cheap-and-nasty wine, which is my standard maladaptive coping mechanism.

I woke up at 1.30am, and, after a brief discussion with my wonky brain, acknowledged that I was Awake-awake, and there was no chance of going back to sleep. This will have a knock-on effect for a few days, there’s a fair chance I’ll fall asleep in my dinner, but it’s mostly containable. (The madness, as well as the dinner.) Scrolling through Twitter, to see if I’d ‘missed anything’, I found a link to ‘My Gender Coordinates’, and decided to take the quiz, no better or worse use of my time than a Fakebook quiz to tell me what sort of sandwich, or shoe I am.

There are 35 questions, I can’t remember exactly how they’re worded, but it’s along the lines of “I am...” or “I consider myself...” about various character traits, or behaviours, you ‘answer’ on a sliding scale from double-thumbs-up to double-thumbs-down. There’s a ‘middle’ option, which, when I’m going mad, is always a bit tempting, I’m indifferent, I don’t care much about much when I’m in this state.(Until I do, and get all emotionally peaky, HATING an empty shampoo bottle on the bathroom floor, but refusing to move it, because it’s not mine, or finding myself close to tears because I think I’ve offended someone, and not quite knowing how to check.) 

The ‘results’ come out on a quadrant-graph thingy, Masculine/Androgynous/Undifferentiated/Feminine, I deliberately didn’t look at that first, because I would have skewed my answers, aiming for ‘undifferentiated’, I’m awkward like that. My results were that I ‘fall between quadrants’, no big surprise there, my dot was bang on the line between ‘masculine’ and ‘androgynous’, all in the top half of the square, ‘68.3% Masculine, 50% Feminine’, I don’t know how that works, it’s numbers, and maths and stuff, and my brain doesn’t work like that. (Haha, because I’m a girl, and girls are better at biology than physics. Bullshit.) 

What does it mean? In all likelihood, nothing, it does look kind-of scientific, which is why I answered all of the questions, instead of giving up at the first hint of a cartoon dinosaur, or a ‘pick which colour-scheme appeals to you’. (Cartoon dinosaurs are my new pet hate, I’ve recently had to wade back through the clip-art infested worksheets from the last mental health course, and I’m fairly certain I’ve imagined a cartoon dinosaur, but that’s a tangent I’ll try to avoid.) I have strong opinions on the concept of gender, for however-many years I’ve been writing on here, I’ve identified as ‘meat no-one eats’, my biological sex is female, and my uterus is certainly reminding me of that fact this week. My gender? Human. Probably. 

“Identified as”, how very modern, it’s not ‘really’ a new thing, to me, or the world, what I’m trying to do here is type out a safe-release, to vent, I suppose it all boils down to my resentment of being ‘told’. There are vague childhood memories of being told “Ladies do/don’t do...”, and I have a ridiculous rage-bubble of “Yes, and sloths poo once a week, what’s your point?”, too late one thinks of what one might have said. I’m no more a lady than I am a sloth, I’m probably leaning more towards sloth at the moment, I’m overdue a bath.

Working through the statement-ratings, I noticed I was pulling a face at some of them. All of them, to be honest, which surprised me, because, with a diagnosis of autism, there’s the preconception that my response would be binary-linear, black-or-white, always/never. It wasn’t, my response was invariably “That’s a stupid question.”, and they weren’t questions, for every single statement, I decided “Unable to answer without context.”, and had to imagine a scenario to contextualise “I am generous” or “I am decisive”, or whatever. ( I *am* decisive, given sufficient context.) I need to watch that I don’t fall into a psychopath/sociopath rabbit-hole here, my sometimes-linear approach could be viewed as psychopathic, and my bending/masking could fit a sociopathic profile. Too many personality quizzes in my teen-girl magazines, and an on-going desire to name and categorize things.

I was pulling a face at the statements that are usually associated with the concept of femininity, there really isn’t a male-brain/female-brain. (All brains smell horrible, I have smelled my own brain, wasn’t pleasant.) There are some biological differences, most notably the reproductive bits, but not really a great deal else, the ex used to say that humans were evolving to be more androgynous, but I see now that he was trying to justify the societally-imposed feelings of inadequacy that I was as tall as him, with more body-hair. He ascribed to the concept of androgyny when it suited him, lauding Bowie in public, and insisting I was ‘better’ at housework in private. A product of his upbringing, but deeply coercive-toxic. He enjoyed my androgynous-atypical nature up to a point, I was a trophy in more ways than just my long legs and pretty mouth, I confused the hell out of his ‘traditional’ family, though. 

The statements that made me screw up my face could have been coloured pink, they were the ones that ‘ladies do’, some, I consciously, deliberately-don’t, and some are just a natural hard-no, nature vs nurture in evidence. I have learned behaviours, and innate, natural tendencies, there was a bit of a domestic issue the other day when I noted my son being manipulative, and destroyed-devastated myself wondering if he’d learned-observed that from me.  I don’t think so, my avoidance-behaviours are quite different. I was pulling faces at the stereotypical ‘female’ traits, initially an “Ew, no, I don’t do that!” response, but, as I realised I was doing it, I wondered WHY I was repulsed. There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with being kind/sensitive/compassionate, they’re human responses, not ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine’, but even the quiz itself refers to them as  “Traits commonly found in people of the ... gender.” (Androgynous is referred to as high in male- and female-typical traits, undifferentiated as low in both.) Commonly, not exclusively.

Part of the issue is that I associate femininity with vulnerability and weakness. I choose not to ‘present as’ female most of the time, my sex usually isn’t obvious until people get close, and I don’t let many people get that close. (Even before the virus-distancing.) There are ‘historical and complicating factors’ behind some of that, but there’s also the gender-conditioning I grew up with, girls-should, and boys-should, I didn’t have particularly positive experiences or role-models, but, even aside from that, the general concensus was that male was stronger, better, more important, female was secondary and subservient. To do something ‘like a girl’ was an insult, but, by the same token, I was often criticised for not being ‘girly’, ever the outlier. I’m wondering how much of the non-femininity is reactive-protective, how much could be part of the autism, and how much is just ‘how I am’? 

Girly-females irritate me, vacuous conversations, hair-and-make-up, dependence on others, incessant diets and fads, I don’t ‘get’ any of it, and I don’t buy into it, I don’t see why I should, just because my genitals are in the more difficult-to-kick arrangement. (True to form, my son has more make-up and hair-stuff than I do, I can’t remember how he referred to my presentation a few weeks ago, but it might have involved goblins, and a bin.) Occasionally, people tell me I could be attractive if I made an effort, my go-to response is “What for?”, I do generally look as if I live in a tree, it doesn’t bother me. That’s not wholly a girl-thing or a boy-thing, I do know some very well-presented people of both flavours, but I’ve genuinely never overheard a group of men discussing razor-blades or underpants the way I’ve heard gaggles of women banging on about make-up and such. 

Women who talk in baby-voices, women who giggle and simper around men, women who don’t even try to pick things up themselves, I think what I’m saying is that I don’t like women who ‘act as’ women, and it is an act, my mother’s phone-laugh used to make me want to scream. 

Before I became annoyed at myself for placing more value on the traits more commonly associated with masculinity than femininity, I’d had a mini-argument with myself that it was impossible to rate any of the statements objectively. Am I kind? It depends on the situation, last week I helped a little old lady sort out a mis-delivered parcel, but the week before that, I’d sped up my walking pace, so I could get into the corner shop before the person behind me, it might have been the same little old lady, I wasn’t paying attention. I’d viewed the thumbs-rating as a never-always continuum, so, technically, all of the responses ‘should’ have been middle-option, for ‘sometimes’. (There might have been an explanation in the site somewhere, it was daft o’clock in the morning.) For each behaviour, I was thinking of a situation, which was wrong, I think I should have been rating least-likely to most-likely. The situation has an influence on the behaviour, if I had friends, I’d behave differently with them to the way I’d behave with a doctor, or a manager, or my son, and even that behaviour would depend on multiple external factors, it wouldn’t be static-consistent, it would be dynamic. We all do it, we’re socially conditioned to behave according to audience and environment.

I didn’t go to finishing school, I didn’t even go to university, there were no elocution or deportment classes at my rough-as-arseholes comprehensive school, and most of my childhood meals at home were eaten from a plate on my knee, on the sofa, in front of the TV. There were still expectations, though. Standing up if a teacher came into the classroom, not interrupting an adult speaking, letting elderly or otherwise infirm people on the bus first. I don’t remember my brother being given as many instructions as I was, though, and I think that was more to do with me being a girl than being two and a half years older, he did pretty much as he pleased, and was a ‘rascal’, or a ‘scamp’, whereas I was told to sit down (nicely), be quiet, smile, be helpful etc long before the wear a bra, brush your hair, show a bit of leg nonsense started. 

I’m fairly certain that the gender-specific conditioning is part of the reason my autism wasn’t diagnosed until I was 42. I’d had expectations drummed, and sometimes beaten into me all my life, everything was already an act, a performance, so I just assumed everyone else was ‘faking it’ all the time, over-riding gut-instinct on everything, and acting according to these confusing social scripts. The “What for?” streak in me is problematic for other people, I’m viewed as difficult, challenging, sometimes plain rude, and overly bold ‘for a woman’. I don’t speak much, but, when I do, I make it count, I’m tenacious and determined, and, most of the time, completely exhausted trying to remember and correctly apply rules and boundaries, scripts I don’t understand the reasoning behind, and constantly-consistently assess environments and audiences, to avoid ‘getting it wrong’. 

I am blunt at times. I can be articulate and eloquent, but sometimes a situation demands just-enough information to convey the salient point. I don’t tend to ‘waste words’, and am frustrated when people fanny about with “Does that make sense?” and “This might sound silly, but...” Anecdotally, I hear that from women more than men, we’re discouraged from being too much to-the-point, to go the long way around things, instead of straight at them, and to check for reassurance. I speak ‘like a man’, it’s more efficient. (”Does everyone understand what they are to do?” was my preferred meeting-closing-statement, I’m brutal.) 

I sometimes see the reverse-of-me in my son, he isn’t the least bit blunt or brutal most of the time. (He did shout “Stop it!” at me quite forcefully one day last week when I was having a meltdown after getting bin-juice on my face. He saves his command-voice for emergencies.) He ties himself in knots about communicating with people, and avoids most conversation, although he’ll babble incessantly to himself to process thoughts and ideas. (I have sores inside my ears that won’t heal, because I keep putting my earphones in to drown out his waffling about D&D plots and such.) He’s nervous-anxious where I’m bold, he’s scared of a million things that I’m not in the least bit concerned by, but then, I am an idiot. Biological sex is not gender, but neither of us are really binary-gendered. (I’m not going to suggest he does the quiz, he’s so incredibly indecisive it would melt his brain.) I never conditioned him ‘male’, he’s always just been another human to me, but he has had conflicting messages from his Dad’s side of the family, boys-don’t-cry, come-and-kick-this-ball, look-at-the-tits-on-that, and the girly-girl aunts and cousins. Confusing times, but he has referred to himself as a pan-sexual trans-humanist, and I don’t really know what that is. (He hasn’t asked me to use different pronouns, or a different name, so he’s still ‘him’.) 

I’m rambling. I’ve been pecking away at this for hours, but I do feel a little more settled for doing it. I didn’t go off on as many ranty tangents as I thought I might, which is reassuring, this episode of going mad has been mostly-irritable, and I don’t like it. Catch-22, there, as a female, I’m ‘supposed to’ be all pink and fluffy, and nice, but the lazy stereotype of a woman can also be a nagging old harridan, I’m straddling that line as well as the line between quadrants on the quiz. I bet you 10p that if I did the quiz again, I’d be able to skew the answers to place the dot dead-centre in the grid, but I might blow up the internet if I did that, and imagine the mess that would make.          

[if-weshadows-haveoffended]

Love Is So Confusing There's No Peace of Mind - Caduceus Clay x Reader

A/N: Me, reading the tag, finishing the fics: guess I gotta add some more then.

I LOVE PINK COW MAN SO FUCKING MUCH AND I LOVE CONFUSED AND EMBARASSED COW MAN EVEN MORE. I JUST LOVE HIM. IF MATTHOLOMEW HURTS EVEN ONE STRAND OF PINK HAIR IM FUCKING RIOTING. Anyway in light of episode 95 I’m gonna make a part 2 to this, so this is pre ep95 somewhere idk. Also Taliesin mentioned in an episode of Talks that Caddy shack always has music playing in his mind (I think he went with Bolero? I imagine the mii channel theme), so I’m playing with that idea.

Title: Love Is So Confusing There's No Peace of Mind Words: 2500+ Masterpost: here (x) Prompt List: here (x) Mixtape Archive: here (x)

Caduceus had been in a considerable pickle since his little outing last night.

Their downtime in Zadash had been pretty uneventful save Jester asking him to accompany her to some bakery or another. With her considerable… addiction seemed the right word… to the baked goods, his days seemed to be spent accompanying her for box after box of iced treats. If he was being honest, he wasn’t entirely sure if this was at all healthy, but at the very least it gave him some opportunity to meet different citizens residing within the city. It was easy, he found, with the adventuring lifestyle to become surprisingly more isolated than during his time at the Blooming Grove. There were days where he wouldn’t even see half of the Nein until it was time for dinner. So he found himself relishing these sorts of occasions, more so now than when the group had been less than reputable.

It was towards the end of their first week in Zadash when Jester tore into the room he shared with Yasha, screaming about something or rather about the most beautiful bakery she had ever seen in all of Exandria.

“DUECES! THEY’RE SO PRETTY! YOU LIKE HAVE TO SEE THEM IT’LL CHANGE YOUR LIFE! THEY’RE LIKE BOUQUETS OF FLOWERS BUT THEY’RE PASTRIES AND OH MY GOD WE’RE LEAVING RIGHT NOW!”

“Is this what you do all the time?” Was what he had eventually asked the surprisingly young owner of the bakery. He wasn’t sure how tall she was for a human, most humans (well everyone) seemed small to him. Jester truly had used all her strength to drag both himself and Nott towards the bakery (Jester had said it was technically a patisserie, not that he knew what that meant).

“Well, it’s a job and I love it?” She pushed back her hair and continued to wipe down the glass displays filled with a myriad of pastries and cakes. Each little dozen was different to the one beside it, and all of them were decorated with delicate buttercream-and in some cases, real- flowers.

“You’re clearly very talented with them,” Caduceus replied, thanking her as she handed him a flaky little pastry piled high with pale green cream and little blossoms. “Oh wow, that’s nice. No, really!”

The young woman had laughed, and he noted the colour about her cheeks. Their conversation had ended there as a number of customers had walked into the patisserie, Jester pulling him out the door and giving her customary farewell. He found himself the following day offering to buy the pastries on Jester’s behalf, solving her problem of being unsure of whether to buy pastries or ditch helping Fjord out with some shopping matters.

He never ended up returning home that afternoon. He’d simply gotten too carried away sitting at the patisserie, chatting with the delightful owner. He’d eventually caught her name (it was a very lovely name, it suited her) and she’d invited him to the pub later that day to hear her and her co-bakers perform as they usually did.

“Not sure how it started but eventually we decided it was a great way to have fun and get some extra pay. Childcare in Zadash isn’t cheap these days,”

“BLOODY SCALPERS!” An elven male baker had shouted while decorating the floral tarts.

“Anyway, you don’t have to come. But I’d really appreciate it if you did!”

And he went, nervously combing fingers through lichen-stained hair as he sat alone by the makeshift stage. His heart pounded in his chest, unsure quite why it felt like doing that. He had no reason to be nervous after all she was quite nice and he was only reciprocating the niceties she was showing him, and the last thing Jester would want was for him to get on the bad side of her “absolute-favourite- the-very-best-the-goddess-of-all-baked-goods-except-for-that-one-bakery-in-Nicodranas-that-does bear-claws” baker. (Or at least he thinks that was all the superlatives Jester mumbled out).

And Caduceus had thought, as he watched her give him a little wave as her band of bakers set up, that perhaps he was finally over these unnecessary jitters. Perhaps he’d be able to listen to her music and perhaps introduce her to the wonders of his little ‘death whistle’ as Caleb liked to call it. Or at least he had thought so until she opened her mouth and began to sing.

He was absolutely transfixed, half of him terrified and wanting to run away, the other never wanting to leave her side. All of time seemed to still and yet flow faster than he could have ever wanted, praying every second he could that he could remain in this moment forever. He found himself unable to form the words that would usually come, as they chatted over dinner following her performance, apologising as he stumbled and stuttered over words. And she would laugh with a shake of her head, kindly bumping her knee against his as they sat huddled up in the performers’ lounge at the back of the tavern. Their talk of every day adventures and his little gripes (gripes was the nicest words) of the Nein in the Xhorhaus, and of the beauty that drove her work.

“…And you see, they’re just such a difficult shade of pink to replicate. Like your hair, I suppose. It’s very pretty,” She had said as they walked home, her hair streaming about in the brisk night breeze. On instinct he found himself moving by her side, curling her under his arm and pressing her against the side of his body. She thanked him, smiling brightly at him, and he smiled back relishing in how perfectly she fit.

They’d fallen into companionable silence, walking their way back to The Leaky Tap. She quirked a brow when he’d mentioned that was where he was staying.

“Well, you’re certainly braver than I am. That dude gives me the creeps.” She made a vague gesture to sweat at the temples and he assumed she meant the Gentleman.

“He’s not so bad.” Caduceus replied with a laugh, his mind desperately searching for ways to stretch this moment out as long as he could. “You really do have such a beautiful voice,”

“No,”

“Really,” He drew closer, holding both her hands in his, “It puts songbirds to shame. I’d love to hear you more.”

“Well, you’re welcome any time Caduceus Clay.”

He froze at that point, feeling her tug him down to press a kiss to his cheek. With a wave she began to walk away, a skip in her step and hands buried into the pockets of her skirt. For how long he stood there, only the Wildmother knew, his face burning up and a sense of giddiness building up within him. All he knew was that he just stood there, staring at cobblestones like some sort of idiot. Part of him mused at how they sparkled just a little under the moonlight.

If Colton ever heard how he was thinking, he’d never hear the end of it.

He couldn’t even find the familiar comfort of sleep, tossing and turning and irritating Frumpkin who had curled into the space by his shoulders. Instead he lay there upon his bedroll awake, staring at the shadows that danced upon the ceiling. His ears twitched at the distant sound of murmurs and Jester’s hushed giggles, but the effort he’d usually use to eavesdrop was simply missing. No, his mind was filled with the feeling of her soft lips pressed against the fuzz of his skin and the way her eyes shone as she had looked at him. And he, cursing his curiosity, found himself lost in the mesmerising depths of her eyes.

And that was how he ended up here, sitting at the vacant bar (save the Nein), asking Jester for help.

At some point his mind began to turn blank, filling with the sounds of a busy hive of bees and the distant memory of music. Jester’s mouth seemed to move much slower than the stream of lively sounds that emanated from herself. He barely registered Nott making some sort of joke that Fjord half-laughed-half-reprimanded her for, attempting to somewhat come to his defence. Caduceus found that sweet- or at least he would if he knew what was happening. Even throwing a look of help at Yasha couldn’t save him from the rising heat in his face and ears as she smiled and said something that threw the group into even more of a chaotic round of laughter. But it was a small quip Jester had made that sent Beau sliding to the floor and Fjord choking for air as he grabbed his stomach. Caduceus did everything he possibly could to just curl in on himself and wish for the Wildmother to send some form of giant carnivorous plant. He was sure Fjord could agitate one enough to swallow him whole.

“What’s this about deflowering the firbolg?” Caleb wandered into the room where he and the others had been discussing his current predicament. Caduceus was unaware that he could get anymore embarrassed than he already was, his face buried into his hands and his tail flicking about erratically.

“Caduceus has a crush!” Jester sang, head sitting on her hands and trying to stifle her giggles.

“I don’t think it’s a straight crush Jessie, it sounds bit more complicated than that.” Fjord tried remedying, throwing him an apologetic look. Caduceus’ ear twitched as he noticed that Fjord was only half apologetic.

“No, Deucey is hopelessly and utterly in the throes of love!” Nott hushed Fjord with a slap to his arm, the latter dramatically complaining of how hurt he was. “Positively twitterpated.”

“Cad needs to fuck,” Beau explained to Caleb as he took the seat next to her, “But like… with feelings and serious monogamy and all that sort of crap.”

“Doesn’t the Wildmother have teachings on sexy times and all that? The Traveller probably does I mean he’s super cool and all that-”

“Well,” Caduceus cut off off Jester’s tangent, his voice louder than usual. He was unaware it could get this high or this loud. It was a terrible reminder of that time they had spent before King Dwendal, the urge to simply feed Ikithon and his rudeness to some deadly creature rearing itself in his mind again. “All… that… is part of nature and something that perpetuates her cycle and her creation. But I don’t think this is what she had in mind…”

“All sorts of animals have courtship rituals, ja?” Caleb not-so-helpfully bought up, Caduceus shot him a brief glare from between his fingers. “I suppose the most helpful question would be: what do you want from this?”

He slowly prised his forehead away from his hands, taking deep breaths and trying to calmly face the group.

What did he want from this?

“And asking the Wildmother is cheating!” Jester added hastily.

Well that removed that option.

He supposed he liked her voice. Music had always filled his mind, the Wildmother present in all the music of nature. Sometimes it felt like it took over. But her laughter, the way she sang, the way she smiled as she sang. Part of him knew that he would never be able to wash those beautiful sounds from his mind.

Jester had often talked about romances and her fairytales, and Beau of other women she’d slept with. Hells, he’d even witnessed Fjord sacrificing himself (not that he needed to) upon the Squall Eater just to appease Avantika. But he’d never considered any of those for himself. He’d always assumed that perhaps, if it ever happened and the Wildmother deemed it part of his destiny, she would send someone along he could perhaps get along with. Someone he could envision just spending hours in silence, understanding and enjoying company. Someone who perhaps understood other parts of him- ones that he very rarely even let his own family see. And she was beautiful, all encompassing and demanding every second of his attention, almost terrifying. But nature was beautiful in that sense as well.

And taking a quick glance up from his hands and a look around the table, the sickening, horrifying realisation that he’d said all this aloud sunk to the pit of his stomach.

“Well,” Caleb coughed into the purring cat in his arms, “That answers that.”

“Perhaps, perhaps oh my gosh Caduceus, what if this is that!” Jester suddenly piped up, grabbing ahold of his shirt and shaking him a little. “You have to see her now! Ohmygosh!”

He vaguely felt himself protesting, saying that perhaps she was misinterpreting things. But Nott only scoffed at him, licking the palm of her hands and trying to tame his hair down the way his mother once did. He felt both Fjord and Yasha heave him out of the seat, pushing him in the vague direction of the door and suggesting something or rather about casually asking- oh no Fjord was saying make a show of it- no, Caleb was suggesting being forthright but gently romantic. Caduceus heard himself somewhat protesting, Nott offering him a swig of liquor and almost succeeding in pouring some down his throat had Jester not shoved in next to him to hand him a bouquet of flowers.

Now where in Melora’s green earth did those appear from. He wasn’t sure he even wanted to know anymore.

But perhaps they were right. Perhaps, as Caleb supplied into his ear holdinga pearl to his forehead, that the small kiss was indicative that she also wished to get to know him better. Despite all his reservations, he found himself somehow trying to listen to every single fragment of conflicting advice Fjord and Beau were throwing at him. He even found himself listening to Nott practically shouting some carnal knowledge into his ear, Jester enthusiastically joining in as he practically tripped over Fjord’s feet. Fjord held him up, though he seemed to be finding it difficult to meet his gaze as the two continued relating all information they thought would help. Yasha, thankfully saving him, cleared her throat and levelled the two with a glare.

“You got this Cad! I believe in you!” Beau had slapped his shoulder hard enough for him to almost stumble out the Leaky Tap, “I’m so proud!” she wiped away a stray tear from the corner of her eye, resting her shoulder against Yasha who only nodded in agreement.

He took several steps out the door, fiddling with his earring and adjusting the bouquet in his hands. Caduceus noticed with a start that the delicate blossoms matched that impossibly sweet shade of pink she had mentioned. The ones that dusted her most favourite of baked creations and held pride of place at the centre of her display. He took one look back, noticing his friends all standing at the door, thumbs up and shooing him enthusiastically to go after her.

Well, there was no time like the present. He straightened his shoulders, and an unbidden grin forming upon his face, he headed in the direction of the bakery with a determined step.

“AND BRING ME BACK PASTRIES IF YOU TWO AREN’T LIKE YOU KNOW BANGING AND MAKING MINI FOLLOWERS FOR THE WILDMOTHER!”

[theangrypokemaniac]

Contests Part 2/2

6. Loser Jessie

Screechy harpie Jessay has even more of a raw deal than Mavis and Dawn of the Dead.

From the outset I knew she'd never be champion, but she ought to rise above the tiresome berks clogging up procedure.

Sufficient popularity at Pokémon Towers ensured the girls were allotted coverage of all their award ceremonies. They had a moment in the sun.

What has Jessie in comparison?

I can't recall Hoenn, but I don't expect it was much.

Sinnoh however carried naught but a single paltry episode.

This for a main character.

This for someone there from the beginning.

This for an ardent fan favourite.

This for a wench who, should we include all her various mutations, has featured in more installments than either of 'em.

But no, treat Jesseee as worthless, even lower than Dawn's groupies. It's not like anyone watches it for her.

Looking back, it's obvious what they were intending to do come Unova.

What's the score then?

• One paltry Contest on screen.

• A couple happen elsewhere, marked by a few seconds per mention when the script oh-so generously moves away from the thrilling main plot.

It's gotta be the small-town concerns for Jessuhleenuh, nothing major. She deserves no better.

• One won by James, so not hers. Press her inadequacy upon us!

• One obtained as a gesture of pity from Kate Middleton.

And how did that work? What's the good of allowing 'Dawn' entry again?

She'd already qualified. If winning here, that gives her six, therefore there aren't enough Co-ordinators for the culmination.

And when Jessie showed up with a Ribbon recorded as belonging to Dawn, how was she taken as fulfilling the quota?

The slapdash way these Contests are run!

God forbid Jess should be shown as excelling at anything. It must be scraping into the final undeservedly.

Bitch gotta know her place.

7. Bumpkin Jessie

...

Ain't no description I can give that don't rhyme with 'hit', or variations of the theme.

You thought the shafting Jessica got coverage wise was bad enough? Yer ain't heard the 'alf of it.

Sinnoh was a period of peak Moron Team Rocket, where the one surprise was how stupid they could be.

You may remember an early episode when James designed her clothes for the catwalk. She thought it'd complement his work by applying lipstick all across her mug.

Obviously Jessie would do that, clueless as to how make-up functions.

Come on kids, she's thick!

Even at that numskull nadir it's difficult to comprehend anyone choosing this get up without severe duress.

Picture the scene: you debut on stage, before an audience of thousands and television cameras, in an event preoccupied with superficiality.

What do you wear?

• Giant, oversized glasses out of fashion since the Seventies.

• Bootlace tie last worn in the nineteenth century Wild West by a barman serving sarsaparillas.

• Colour scheme of brown and orange, the nation's favourite hues.

• A man's old shirt fraying at the cuffs.

• Voluminous apron dress.

• Massive yellow bows last seen decorating an Easter Egg. Always a winner.

• Heavy, clod-hopping boots.

• PIGTAILS!!!

Even the name is unattractive.

Ah yes, very common for those under six. Unheard of later.

You have reached puberty haven't yer Jessie? I can't tell anymore.

They couldn't get enough of that combination in Cosmo, which is why it's no longer in print.

Not only is Jessie denied success, she's deprived of the chance to be pretty in a realm where nothing but that carries weight.

Worse, given how her face disintegrated, this is the best she's been for five generations.

Yeah, because the inbred milkmaid style is such a good look, eh?

SEXAY!!!

8. So Long, Tsundere

Remember tsunderes? What happened to 'em?

The curse of Pokémon was draining the well of inspiration too quickly, throwing away interesting characters as mere guests.

This is particularly noticeable regarding the ladies. Back then, we got Misty, Jessie, Jessibelle, Cassidy, Aya, Giselle, Tyra, Sabrina, assorted crones Brutella, Nastina and Lacy, plus Joy, Jenny and Dame Ketchum provided parental authority.

How did a series that began with ball-breaking birds like that end up with insipid, glassy-eyed dullards like Zuhreena, Banana Lana, Marsh Mallow and Lilliput?

Ooh, Zuhreena is a pwincess!

Ooh, Banana Lana bwows big bwubbles!

Ooh, Marsh Mallow wuvs phallic waddishes!

Ooh, Lilliput won't pwet wanimals bwecause of Secwet Pain!

Can you imagine such weak specimens finding any place in the anarchic atmosphere of the classics?

It's SO boring!

Where's the punch? Where's the human spirit?

Where's the entertainment gone?

This squishy attitude began in Hoenn. Misty left, Jessie's hair symbolically changed from volcanic red to pink, and Contests introduced a cuddly theme where glitter glue and sequins are top priority.

Every sharp corner, every jagged point has been filed smooth. Now its substance hasn't the hardness to even develop edges, not when it's all cushions and candyfloss, where catching Pokémon rests on them deigning to grant permission, rather than 'avin it out.

Tsunderes, exuding untamed charisma and independence, besides a soupçon of danger, simply don't fit the cardboard box we habit now.

Nor do yanderes, kuuderes, tsuntsuns, or even derederes. It's just nothing but smiley-smiley creeps.

I wouldn't mind any of these tropes as long as there was some sign of colour to be had.

9. The Sacrifice of Misty

Misty bid farewell under the feeble justification that the lack of a longterm goal made her vulnerable to sacking.

Such a line uttered as if her own choice, being beyond them as writers to invent a purpose.

This implied her replacement would have an exciting quest aiming for excellence, something just beyond Misty's capabilities.

What did we get?

Dressing up and collecting Ribbons!

Is that...is that it? Is that the great idea? Is that all the girls are worth?

I lost Misty for THIS?!

Perhaps it makes no difference. By Hoenn they'd rendered her a leaden blandness sucked dry of all that made her special.

Going by the greasy-toothed bastardisation that swanned up in Alola, Misty was simply too wild for the safe, stifling atmosphere of today.

Her departure ensued she remains frozen as a funny, beloved presence, unlike those she left behind.

Now there was a lucky escape, as once the fanny-flapping starts, the bints have it on the brain.

May had Max to beat on the side, but Dawn developed monomania.

Hardly an episode went by without some reference to Contests, or how today's plot spurred her on to the next opportunity.

Yer need help, love!

Rather than Ash's new friend being a fascinating person who so happened to enter vanity projects, the competition defined them to the exclusion of life.

It is but moths drawn to the candle flame waiting to engulf them.

Contests are this world's version of Tom Riddle's diary: they promise sympathy and validation, but they eat your soul.

Like Tumblr.

10. Completely Unoriginal

Seems to me it wasn't so much Misty had no goal, it was more that Contests were the supposedly hot concept wedged into an existing property.

If earlier aspects failed to accommodate the invader, the onus certainly wasn't on the new kid to change. Oh no, stuff it in and chop off whatever gets in the way.

In the eyes of the post-Shudo regime, Misty was too volatile to last, and so had to go.

What idiots.

She's a tsundere. The softer, more feminine side is a defining component.

Would it really have been so problematic to retain her as an entrant? If Jessie can, why not?

Even if failing to fit, so what? Since when was established characterisation a barrier?

Isn't twisting likeable folk into unrecognisable pods the modus operandi of the writers?

That canon is immaterial, and must always give in to whatever fancy they currently have?

Well then, what's the big deal in infantilising Misty to promote it rather than pensioning her off?

Viewers will be more invested in the challenges awaiting a familiar face rather than a stranger.

What reduces the above to the risible is the original Misty and Jessie both participated in the Princess Festival.

All Contests are is that very scenario on repeat and robbed of all meaning.

Think about it:

• Beauty round

• Battle round

• Jessie loses

Same bloody thing.

Not only have I got to suffer this draining spectacle, it's got the nerve to possess not one iota of fresh ideas!

Contests are a low rent rip-off. The Princess Festival had a worthy reward in the shape of one-of-a-kind Dolls.

It'd already been revealed that ordinary Princess Dolls were ruinously expensive, therefore the special Pokémon edition have to be priceless.

What d'yer get for the trouble of a Contest but a bit of plastic tat taped to bargain basement frippery?

And they demand you get five of 'em!

Contests themselves were then resurrected as Showcases, although mercifully slimmed down to only three, with the emptiness ramped up in compensation.

Perhaps ironically, Princess Versus Princess is one of my favourite episodes. I love its critique of female avarice and accurate portrayal of clothing sales as reminiscent of the zombie apocalypse.

I don't mind the Festival as a single adventure, but I may have felt less favourable had it been a constant presence.

Except it isn't the competition at stake. This is a framework to explore Jessie and Misty as people.

Through its device we learn their history and therefore how they came to develop as the girls we know.

The setting serves as an opportunity for both to confront the misery and isolation of their childhoods, with the promise of overcoming that old torment with the balm of victory.

In the final, they aren't so much battling an opponent as fighting to be free of the past.

The tragedy is only one can be granted that reprieve. The other must remain unhappy in the ruins of memory.

It matters, unlike vapid Contests, where posturing is king. What depth can they provide in comparison?

Despite identical content, they are inverse counterparts, with the Festival presented as merely a light affair concealing a rather dark tale of neglect.

Contests however are paraded as this worthy nourishment for body and mind, a major point in one's journey towards enlightenment, when all they really amount to is an organ grinder and his monkey arsing about for the slack-gobbed plebs.

Bread and circuses.

Best of all, Misty won, not some side twat, as it should be.

Note how Jessie dressed: in delicate, vivid robes and golden decoration. The boys thought her beautiful.

Not as a gormless dweeb you'd cross the street to avoid!

And why the need to disguise herself anyway?

The Twerps had no issue with Jessie of Team Rocket joining the fun back then, so what happened?

At least she received the consolation of gaining Lickitung as a friend, with James and Meowth desperate to comfort her.

What do Contests bring? Sod all!

[trinuviel]

A Bad Fit. Some thoughts on Daenerys Targaryen’s white costume in season 8 (part 1)

I’m a big fan of Michele Clapton’s work on Game of Thrones and I’m always excited when we get a first look at the costumes for a new season - so in light of  the recent season 8 teaser, I want to present my initial thoughts on Daenerys Targaryen’s new costume.

(GIF by @athimbleful)

At first look, this costume looks almost identical to the show-stopping white fur coat that she wore in the penultimate episode of season 7 when she flew beyond the Wall to rescue Jon’s company on the suicide mission she had sent them on. However, this is a NEW costume and it includes a number of interesting details.

Michele Clapton has a particular pattern when it comes to the use of costumes to create continuity between the seasons. At the beginning of a new season she often dresses a character in a costume that they wore at the end of the previous season, but with a few new details or alterations - this is a strategy that she has used with both Margaery Tyrell and Sansa Stark. 

The situation with Dany is a bit different here. It is a new costume but it looks almost identical to the season 7 fur coat at first glance. However, when you look closer you can see that the grey stripes of the season 7 coat has been replaced with a deep red colour, bleeding through the white like blood on snow.

Another interesting detail is the fact that the new coat is lined with red fur. 

Even her gloves have gone from grey to red.

Red and black are the heraldic colours of House Targaryen and while Dany wore black in season 6, Clapton only started to introduce small touches of red into Dany’s costumes in season 7 in order to signal that she is now starting to fully embrace her Targaryen heritage as she begins her conquest of Westeros.

It was a conscious choice of Clapton to withhold the use of red in Dany’s costumes until then - and that makes the introduction of the colour that more powerful when it was finally used.

People always say, “Why don’t you have this, why can’t you add that?,” and it’s like, “Well, sometimes you have to wait for that — you have to wait for the journey and for them to seek it out. With Dany in particular, finally we’re getting the [Targaryen] red. She was a confused woman, she was wandering … trying to seek something. And now she’s finally got her armor, she’s finally got everything, and she can finally echo the style of her brother with the extended shoulders and the red and the symbolism. He always had the big Targaryen [sigil] on his chest and now she’s got the big chain with the dragon’s heads on it.” (Michele Clapton to the Insider)

However, clapton still used the red very sparingly in the season 7 costumes. Red embroidery as a discrete accent to the edges of Dany’s power “suits” as well as the more conspicuous cape of pleated silk that invokes dragon scales. Dany’s season 7 costumes were generally dark, in shades from black to dark grey. The white fur coat was in many ways a radical departure from the rest of the costumes though had the same silhouette with the wide, pointed shoulders.

The white fur coat represents something new in Dany’s season 7 arc - something that interferes with her quest for the Iron Throne in the form of the threat of the White Walkers as well as her growing attraction to Jon snow.

I felt that there should be a definite shift in her look as she embarks on the mission of aiding Jon’s team trapped north of the Wall. I think it’s the first time that she has really been to the aid of another individual—let’s face it, she’s not going because of the Hound!—and she is putting herself at risk. (Michele Clapton to Vanity Fair)

While the coat is also connected to the loss of her dragon Viserion through the cream and bronze scale pattern on the back (which makes me very curious as to how the back looks at Dany’s new red and white coat), the white coat is very much to her feelings for Jon Snow. So it makes sense that she arrives in Winterfell wearing a variation of the coat now that they have become lovers. 

What is especially intriguing is that she’s obviously toned down the overt Targaryen symbols. She’s still wearing her Three-Headed Dragon chain but her hair has been spread over the front of her coat, obscuring this ultimate symbol of her Targaryen identity.

Incidentally, she had a similar hairstyle at her first, hostile, meeting with Jon at Dragonstone - but her hair was styled so that her symbol of identity and authority was clearly visible despite the loose locks of hair that falls down the front of her outfit.

Now this symbol is partially obscured - and you get a sense that she’s trying not to look intimidating when she’s meeting her lover’s family and her new Northern allies. Yet her costume still retains small details that is associated with her Targaryen identity- most notably all the dark red details. She is now wearing much more red than she did in the previous season. The wide shoulders are also retained and though it is a bit difficult to see, the shoulders are embellished with embroidery that mimics dragon scales, which is a feature that has characterized her costumes since season 3.

However, even here the look is softened by the materials, first and foremost the white fur but also by the use of what I suspect are silver Tila beads, which have softer corners than the shiny, sharp-edged black sequins that were used for her season 7 costume.

When it comes to Clapton’s costume designs, even the smallest detail is important because it carries meaning, it says something about the character.

I always try to make the clothes visually tell something. (FIDM Museum Blog)

I always try to tell that story — the costumes for me are narrative and you should be able to look at them [the characters] and understand where they are mentally in their journey. (Insider)

So all of these new details in Dany’s costumes are meaningful, they tell something about her character in relation to where she is in her narrative arc - and in the beginning of season 7, Dany is in completely new territory and in a new situation for her since she wants to make a good impression. She’s in the home of her lover, meeting his family - and she is also there trying to win over a people who has had a bad history with her family. They don’t trust a Targaryen, so it makes sense for Dany to try not only to tone down her Targaryen identity in her costume but also trying to affect a Northern style. 

In past seasons, Clapton has used Dany’s costumes to signal either her embracing or her rejecting a culture. During her marriage to Khal Drogo, she wears traditional Dothraki costume whereas she wears white in Meereen (season 5) to signal her rejection and mental removal from their culture.

”[The white] signifies her mental removal from some of the scenes that she has to be in — like in the fight pit. She doesn’t actually want to be there, so we wanted to show visually that she was removed. It was chaotic and bloody and colorful, and there was supposed to be this purity in the middle. She was visually removing herself from the things that she disagreed with.“ (x)

Once again, Dany wears white - and while her white fur matches the snow on the ground, it doesn’t match anyone else. Visually, she stands out like a sore thumb among all the dark-clad Northerners. So how does this relate to my claim that she’s trying to fit in? Well, some of the new details in her costume are rather telling.

Firstly, in the new teaser Daenerys wears a red neck cloth - and that is significant. Now it is cold in the North and she wants to keep warm - so a neck cloth is not unreasonable in this scenario - from a Watsonian perspective. However, all details have meaning in Clapton’s work and it is worth noting that Dany didn’t wear any kind of neck cloth when she flew North in season 7. That means that this new detail is significant.

I’ve seen a number of people say that it looks a bit like the high-necked undershirts that Northern women wear under their dresses, especially Catelyn Stark. There is indeed a resemblance but also notable differences. Dany’s red neck-cloth is not only made of silk but it is also tied in an ascot know whereas the high-necked undershirts that Catelyn and Sansa wear are in neutral linens and cinched at the neck with a string. The material itself is also wrong - the silk is too extravagant for Northern dress where it is the intricate embroidery that signals status and wealth, not fancy fabrics. So if this detail is meant to signify Dany’s attempt at Northern dress, it signals that she’s getting it wrong!

Secondly, in the EW cover photo Dany wears a variation of the red-white fur coat that we see in the teaser, only now another new element has been added - a white fur mantle across her shoulders.

This is a much more overt reference to Northern dress since fur-covered shoulders has been an element of Northern dress, and specifically Stark dress, since the very beginning of the story. This would be yet another example of Dany trying to signal her attempt to be close to the North, or rather Jon in particular. However, once again this costume element is close but no cigar - so to speak. It is placed directly on her coat and not attached to a long cloak like we see with Jon and Sansa. Thus, both in colour and silhouette, Dany doesn’t match Jon at all - creating a dissonant cord when she stands next to him.

Another aspect is the fact that Dany’s fur is all wrong when compared to the Northern cloaks - not just in colour but in the silhouette and texture of the fur as well. Dany’s white fur is longer and looks more wispy than the fur that the Starks wear. Furthermore, the fur cloaks of the Starks feature the whole animal (their heraldic wolf) from which the fur comes..

Once again, there’s a superficial resemblance that is actually undercut by small but significant details. It is like she’s trying to affect a type of dress that she’s unfamiliar with and getting it wrong. This is, in essence, Dany trying to cosplay a Northern aesthetic and still managing to look like an outsider.

Interestingly enough, Dany’s new shoulder fur does look similar to a couple of other costumes: Sansa’s white wedding dress in season 5 and one of Cersei’s black costumes in season 7. I’m not quite sure yet of what to make of this marked resemblance - other than Cersei is not a Stark and Sansa’s wedding dress was for an event that was not only horrible for her but it was also designed to make her a Bolton, to strip her of her Stark identity whilst using her claim to usurp the Starks as Lords of Winterfell.

There’s another interesting detail on the EW cover. If you pay attention, you can see that Dany also wears a red silk half-cape, similar to the ones she wore in season 7. 

However, whereas these capes looked natural with her season 7 costumes, it now looks like an odd fit with a heavy fur coat. This is not unsurprising since Dany’s season 7 costumes were inspired by the costumes her brother Viserys wore in season 1, which is a very conscious choice of Clapton:

“The silhouette,” [Clapton] explains, “purposely echoes that of the Targaryen style that her brother wore in Season 1.” (Michele Clapton to Vanity Fair)

“I think it’s quite interesting that we finally see her embracing her brother’s ambition,” Clapton says. “What does that say? You’re seeing the beginning of something. We’re not at the end yet and I think it’s very important at this moment that we start seeing who she is.” (Michele Clapton to Uproxx)

This isn’t really that surprising. She is after all, now trying to achieve her brother’s ambition of re-taking the Iron Throne. However, the combination of a silk half-cape with a winter coat that already has a shoulder fur just looks plain silly and impractical! The silk is flimsy when seen next to the fur, it is impractical and it is overkill. The red silk half-cape is part of Dany’s Targaryen style - especially as it matches what her brother wore.

However, this silk cape clashes with her “Northern” costume - she’s trying to be something she’s not because of her feelings for Jon (since the white fur coat is explicitly tied to her infatuation with him). This clash of different costume elements is rather interesting in the context of the politics of the story since the Northern Lords are vehemently opposed to any Targaryen, they value their hard-won independence and Dany is determined to rule all of Westeros, including the North. Thus, the costume reflect this uneasy alliance - written on Dany’s body. Despite her toning down the overt Targaryen style and attempting something that looks somewhat Northern, the red still bleeds through - she is a Targaryen conqueror who takes what she wants with Fire and Blood - even if she’s dressed like an innocent-looking white lamb.

A lot of people has also noticed how Dany’s new fur coat seems rather ill-fitting in the new teaser. She’s looks more bulky than when she wore the season 6 version of this costume. This doesn’t necessarily mean that Clapton and her team made a mistake. 

“I don’t think any costume should be looked at in isolation, rather, through the arc of the character. Each thing will tell a story. It might look like a costume is wrong, but actually it’s supposed to look like that. It’s telling you something about the character at the time.” (Winter is Coming)

Putting Dany in an ill-fitting costume just as she enters a new political situation, which is complicated by her emotional entanglement with Jon - it actually makes sense story-wise to put her in a costume that doesn’t really fit her subtly conveys that she is ill at ease. 

She’s now in a very unfamiliar situation in that she cannot just threaten people into submission because she’s infatuated with Jon and wants him to like her. She has to play a game of courtesy, which was never her strong suit. Even when she came begging for support in Qarth, she was never polite - instead rather threw a temper tantrum and screamed that she would take what was hers with fire and blood. As her dragons and armies grew, she never had the need to be a diplomat and be polite to the people she negotiated with because she had all the hard power and she wasn’t averse to using it. 

She isn’t her usual confident self, feeling like an outsider, which all the little details in her costume signals as I’ve outlined in this post. This outsider status is even underscored by the visual framing and blocking of the scene.

Dany is literally framed by Jon and Sansa who stand side by side as a united front. She looks small and she almost looks like she’s the one who’s the petitioner as she approaches the ruling pair of the North. It is also a shot that is eerily similar to the opening shot of Jon and Sansa’s parley with Ramsay before the Battle of the Bastards.

It is the same framing and blocking, only now it takes place in a much more confined space. Now the crucial difference is that the Winterfell scene is a scene of welcome but the visual framing imbue the scene with an interesting subtext that comes off as slightly adversarial, which fits well with Sansa’s cool welcome and Dany being visibly uncomfortable.

This is a case of the dialogue saying one thing but the visual language implying another, which is a strategy that the show used a lot in season 7. You have to keep in mind that the visual language (framing, blocking, costumes, non-verbal cues) constitutes half of the story - so a good way to create tension and subtext is to have the dialogue subtly clash with the visual language - and this is certainly the case here, both through the framing of the shot, the blocking of the actors and this is also embedded in Dany’s costume as I’ve laid out in this post.

[bread-reads-you-comics]

Doctor Strange Vol 1: The Way of the Weird

Dr strange has always seemed to be the wise old uncle of the marvel universe to me, frequently popping into other stories for when stuff gets weird, or else being called on by Spidey when ever he needs help with said weird. It was these appearances; the movie(s if you include the later Avengers films); and the discovery of a potential mix-up of the status quo that got me interested in following his own series. I have always been attentive to the new takes and subversion of the norm that marvel (and DC, though their hurry to reboot back to what was can be a bit frustrating), my first series that I followed from start to finish being Miles Morales’ 2011 run is a good example. It’s always been something that excited me, this isn’t what I know, there hasn’t been a movie, I don’t know what comes next. So when I saw some rumours of Strange losing his magic, and Loki taking over as Sorcerer Supreme later in the series, I was down.

So now let’s actually get to this book. I’ve read Aaron’s work before in Wolverine and the X-Men and Bachalo’s unique art style in the same series, though I first happened upon his work during Spider-Man: Brand New Day. Though the threads starting to be set up are intriguing, the actual content of this book is for the most part episodic in nature, with each issue (or pair of issues) featuring Strange dealing with one creature or a large number of them, while the mysterious “Empiriku” are active in the background of each, cleansing the multiverse of magic and those who use it.

I enjoy the almost Ghost-Busters vibe of Strange facing a variety of colourful creatures with his whimsical demeanour always intact, it brings a humour to the sometimes grim and grotesque world unfolding within the book, and without said humour I feel this would be a rather depressing read. From reading Wolverine ATXM the bizarre aspects of Aarons work is well-known to me, the humour too, there are grim elements in that series as well, but again concealed with whimsical characters and quippy dialogue to disguise it. It works, but does raise an eyebrow.

The real shining light of this book (at least for me) was Strange’s battle with how magic has transformed and damaged him. His body no longer accepts regular food, and the toll of using magic is as much as on a fist after hitting a brick wall, though rather than a broken hand, Strange spends a lot of time throwing up, or else trying not to. This is most interesting to me because Strange has always appeared in these other series as almost inhuman (though not that kind of inhuman), the guy you call when it hits the fan, he knows what’s up and how to fix the problem, there aren’t drawbacks, (at least not for Strange), this didn’t seem sustainable in his own series and I’m glad its not a thing here, its good to see he’s as human as any of us, despite the diet.

Something that I’ve always loved about Marvel characters is how human they are. Even the Guardians, who for the most part are aliens or humans turned into aliens(?- throwaway line I read in one book, bit weird, not totally sure the whole story there. Drax?? You okay bud?) There’s still those human flaws that comes with humanity, even when they can destroy an army or seven spaceships with their bare hands. I’m glad it’s here, because it does a lot to help you connect.

Feel like I’ve written a lot on this now but haven’t actually talked about art. It’s really nice. I love Bachalo’s style, it was nice upon first discovery in Amazing Spider-man, and its nice in this, I’m always up for more stylised art over photo-realistic stuff, I just find it more interesting, and it means that every book you pick up has a chance to be different. I honestly think it would be difficult to be let down here.

My final thought on this book is there is a lot still to come later in the series, the threads have been set-up, the writing is solid, matching dark story elements with a whimsical humour at a pretty decent balance, and the art is wonderful. My only concern is that without this art, would my opinion of the book in general be as positive? Art is really important to me personally, it is the face of the book, disappointing art can ruin good writing, and great art can save disappointing writing, I don’t think there’s an issue here, but I wasn’t totally on board as early as I would have liked with this book, so I have to ask the question of what saved it, the art or the writing?

Summary:

Set-up for elements to come later in the series is solid, as is the writing of Strange and his troubles with the cost of using magic. The balance of humour and horror is well done, and the art is bloody lovely.

Rating: 1 dead Robin (that’s good)

[colitisandme]

‘I am sorry, I can’t hear you, my ears are too clogged with rage’ is now one of my favourite sayings.

I am not an angry person. I honestly don’t like anger as an emotion. Before my body decided to spend its days thinking of new ways to test my patience and fast depleting reserves, I thought anger was a wasted emotion. In fact anger, shouting, aggression and general finger pointing makes me feel very uneasy. I despise shouting and intimidation so much I have been known to stupidly hurtle down the road in my bare feet, brandishing my stiletto heals to try and ward off verbal attacks between a purple faced, swearing, irate aggressor and a terrified partner. I have screamed at a sobbing, cowering girl to stay in her car and thrown said shoes at a guy, yelling ‘get the hell away from her!’ followed by hollering ‘you’d better run!’ at the top of my lungs whilst simultaneously trying to call the police at the same time. Stupid yes. What the hell would I have done if he had turned to me and said ‘ no don’t think I will’ ... cry and probably wet myself .. Hoping my catawauling and urine stained trousers would be a strong enough deterrent to stop him coming anywhere near me. But despite the probability of waking up my neighbours with my bat shit crazy screaming and as a result not being invited to the communal bbq due to them thinking I was mad, I could not have stood there put my fingers in my ears, shut my eyes and done nothing. I just couldn’t do that. so it was a stupid risk I was willing to take.

There have been many times in my life When I was perfectly entitled to be angry. There have been many occasions when I would have completely been within my Jess rights to have turned rage coloured purple, swore, stomped my paws, gnashed my teeth, yelled and howled at the moon like some kind of snarling werewolf, gnawing at myself like I was a tenderised pork chop. But I didn’t. I just accepted the situations and swallowed my anger, until unbeknown to me I had swallowed a whole nasty twisted, yarn sized ball of red, malton, lava rage which was just bubbling away inside my body and soul getting bigger by the day. And slowly without my knowledge, I was being turned into a pressure cooker. Ready to explode. That’s what happens when you don’t process trauma. You turn into a walking volcano; dormant but you still wouldn’t want to spend your holidays there in case it went off and the end result would turn you into a human s’more.

Chronic illness and extreme all over body pain certainly has a direct way of really making me adjust my usual Kum by ya, harmonious, zen filled, placid happy care free attitude. Waiting for 16 weeks to see a bloody rheumatologist really does test my sunny nature. Listening to rediculous conversations about how unfair it is that snuffles have floored someone for 3 COCKING DAYS makes me want to gnaw my own hand off in a rage, filled pneumatic chomping episode. In fact here is a short list of things, I have lovingly compiled, which make me cocking furious ... NHS waiting times, the Conservative party, selfishness, unkindness, thoughtlessness, people who don’t know how good they have it. Violence, homophobia, rudeness, the price of gluten free deserts, the fact that as soon as you add dairy free and gluten free together, food tastes like bloody cardboard. You would think with all the 1000’s of people with allergies, they would make more things like don’t taste and have the texture of gravel. Alarm clocks, people who hog toilets- I NEED THEM NOW. People who hate bobble hats - quite frankly if you do I hope you get eaten by dinosaurs. PIP - May you all be turned into bum boils. Flights of stairs, wading through the leaf filled, mud filled path along the main road which I have to drag my case and myself along to get to work. JUST BECAUSE THE COUNCIL DONT WANT TO BUILD A COCKING PATH TO WALK DOWN. ...I AM NOT A BLOODY HEDGE DWELLING ANIMAL, WHO ENJOYS SPENDING MY DAYS ROLLING ABOUT IN LEAVES. Clearly the arsehats in the council must express great delight and cackle with glee, watching me cry and gnash my teeth as I wade through a million sodding leaves to try and get to my bus... swearing and looking like a cross between a walking leaf collage and Stig of the dump as I get into work... Very professional and not at all like a child’s art project... Animal cruelty, child cruelty, people cruelty, bigotry, hateful wankers, clowns, (there’s no need for them) self - entitled aresholes, (no need for them either) losing things, and generally the poor, sorry state of the world at the moment. In fact all of these things make me absolutely and honestly incandescent with rage.

And whereas before every item on that list would have made me cross. I now am very open with the fact I get angry about them. Before I would be frightened to express how I felt about certain moments, certain situations and trauma due to fall out. But now after getting ill, I have allowed myself to be much more open in the way I feel. Not in a rude way but in a way where I finally know I deserve better than being thrown emotional scraps in an attempt to keep me docile and placid. After the trauma, I would then work my butt off to be a better human in order to diffuse the situation, as I believed it was my fault which led to more internal anger towards myself. This in built, all consuming, conscious un-human effort and desire to keep my anger hidden about injustices and trauma faced throughout my life has partly contributed to how lousy I am feeling now. I am now absolutely sure that the anger I have submerged, suppressed and cajoled to stay hidden, has wrapped itself around my muscles, joints, bowels, limbs, throat and hands like thick, spiny, vines trying to drown and suffocate me. When I first went to see my homeopath I told her I felt like I couldn’t breathe or speak and like I was a corked bottle who couldn’t express what I felt due to fear and the incorrect view that I deserved it. But it’s interesting because I am and have always been so verbally expressive. I have a theatre background for gods sake and could readily take on any character and perform it. I wrote, I sang and yet when it came to the simple task of telling someone they hurt me or when I tried to express my feelings as myself and not as a character, the time came and I couldn’t do it. I was standing in the spotlight and I was mute.

I am not now. I have finally found my voice. I know that the vast majority of traumas in my life were not my fault. I am now no longer scared to ask for help, for support, for understanding, for time because I know I deserve and need it. Especially now, especially because my body behaves like an unco- operative toddler refusing to do anything I ask it to do. I am not angry that I am ill. There would be no point in taking my rage out on a situation I cannot control. I am however angry about the things which make mine and others situations worse, because there’s no sodding need to make our lives more difficult. Lack of services, extortionate waiting times, an NHS bursting at the seems with no funding, no staff and no resources to change the situation. I am angry there isn’t more knowledge and research about our diseases. I am hopping mad there isn’t more understanding or support from our communities... I am furious about the injustices we go through, but mostly I am filled with hulk like rage that we are made to feel as invisible as our illnesses and disease are. I am not the kind of person to shout, yell or intimidate. I will not dominate using hateful language or aggression, but I can and will use my words and my Jess ness to try and make a difference, even if it’s in a small way. Becauase I have learnt it’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to stamp feet, to cry and chew the carpet with the utter unfairness of it all. It’s okay to gnash your teeth and howl at the moon when you are in pain, or tell someone when they have let you down. It’s human and it’s healthy. If you feel angry please release it in a healthy way. I am not advising to go on a monster, smashing table, hurling puppies out of the way, yelling at babies, rampage, but at the same time please don’t swallow it and remain mute. Even if that moment makes you come up with a 109 creative new swear words, say them in private, under your breath if necessary, but say them. And if you need to feel angry about past situations do it now before the feeling eats away at you until it manefests somewhere else or as something else. We are what we feel. Good, bad, angry, calm, hurt, victim, survivor ... so once we start to fix our soul we start to fix our whole. 😊 So be angry if you need to be, but most importantly be honest with how you feel, and if someone makes you angry or has hurt you or let you down never be afraid to tell them so, because if we bottle it all up, it’s us who really suffers in the end.