#but they could have cut some of the Phantom stuff and focus on them and maruki more

[fugitoidkry]

And even if they still wanted to explore the Phantoms Thieves during the third semester, I feel that they fell into the"Makoto social link" problem, of having this extremely nice possibility to explore for the developing of their characters and wasting it because *vague hand gesture*. Like. We could have had Haru, Futaba and Akechi face each other during the third semester if they had added like that bonus social link for Akechi, for example. Not saying that things should have been patched up between those three, but we could have had an extremely dramatic and sort of cathartic scene that would have put a sort of end to Haru and Okomura palace arc, Futabas own arc, and Akechi as well.

And now that I am playing Persona 3 and seeing how characters hang out with one another beyond the protagonist presence and how they develop these relationships, I wish Joker could have existed beyond the Phantoms during that month exploring more his relationship with Akechi (especially after the lies and Shidos and Yaldabaoth arcs) and Akechi and Sumire because, as someone pointed out in a post, there are so many interesting parallels between these two characters and the masks they wear that could have lead to that show time between them.

And of course, Maruki. Especially after the fight to get Sumire back with them.

maybe unpopular opinion but i kinda wish the third semester spent more time on just the royal trio. I love the phantom thieves but we spent the entire game with them already, i just wanna have alone time with my mentally ill crazy boyfriend and mentally ill depressed girlfriend. is that too much to ask

[aziraphales-library]

hey!! i was wondering if you could recommend any fics that focus on mental health and angsty stuff??? ineffable husbands preferably 🙏🙏 thank you!!

Hi! Some tags we have are #mental health, #therapy, and #angst. Here are some angsty mental health fics to add...

The Destruction Of An Angel by RainbowCloud31 (T)

The page read – DEMON CROWLEY – DECEASED CAUSE OF DEATH – HOLY WATER TIME AND LOCATION OF DEATH – 13:27, LONDON SOHO, ENGLAND Directly below was a printed photo of a puddle of black sludge outside of Give Me Coffee Or Give Me Death. The stain oozing into the cracks of the concrete in a not quite natural manner. The only remaining piece of his best friend, his beloved, was a broken pair of sunglasses that lay forgotten on the ground.

but I swore hands were made for fighting (I swore eyes were made to cry) by Moriarty4life (T)

“It’s been really piling up, you know? Outside the door to the flat.” Crowley blinks out of his haze about Aziraphale because those words…even through his hazy brain…they seem…familiar. He feels the phantom feeling of a hand on his arm, staring down a legion of demons, and Shax holding up the letters – memories begin to resurface quickly through the sea of his drowning subconsciousness on top of that. He tries to shove any feelings threatening to resurface alongside them because he cannot go back to that place of feeling love again. He cannot go back to that because, despite all the pain he feels in every ounce of his being, despite the desperation he has to feel Aziraphale’s arms around him and feel safe, the pain from before is worse. It cuts through him like a holy blade and disintegrates his essence. ~ Crowley is just trying to survive, but he’s broken.

Daily Draw My Sorrows Longer by EdosianOrchids901 (M)

On a day when Crowley is agitated from a PTSD episode, Aziraphale suggests a fast drive to soothe him. But going out only worsens the situation when someone hits the Bentley. Can Aziraphale help Crowley calm down?

Everything I have to tell you about love by hapax (M)

The Second Coming has been called off, and Aziraphale is back in London. Unfortunately, the price he paid during a decade in Heaven has left him traumatised, depressed, and almost non-responsive. Crowley is ready to do whatever it takes to heal his friend, but some damage can’t be cured with a miraculous snap.

Serpent Of Soho or How To Care For Sad Noodles by ChassyOwl (NR)

Months after Aziraphale left earth, Whickber Street isn´t the same anymore. One day Nina discovers something in her storage room and finds herself in a certainly unusual situation.

Bring Me Back To You by dreamingofwinter (M)

When Aziraphale returns to Earth after being recalled to Heaven for thirty years, he finds the years have taken an unexpected emotional toll on him - and his relationship with Crowley. Struggling to articulate his emotions, the angel has a long way to go before things can ever go back to normal. Aziraphale's recovery may take some time, but Crowley will always be by his side to help him through the hard times.

- Mod D

[wren-kitchens]

hey guys i’m being soo normal about dredge rn (lie) and i’m totally not making an au about it (lie)

anyway there may or may not be a drabble of this au under the cut

lizzie glances out the window, another wave of nausea flooding her as she sees the tendrils of fog reaching blindly for the boat. she blinks the tiredness from her eyes and turns the brightness of the floodlights up; she’ll get through this yet.

“how are you holding up?” she says over her shoulder. scar hasn’t said anything other than a couple warnings about red mist in half an hour, and lizzie is starting to worry.

“it- i’m okay.” scar says, quieter than he ought to be. lizzie glances at him briefly, noting the purple hue of the centres of his eyes.

“stay focused on the light inside here.” lizzie says, gentler. “don’t look outside, okay? it gets better.”

“hey I- I knew what I was signing up for.” scar says, a grin evident in his shaky voice. “I didn’t get on your boat to not see some spooky happenings!”

lizzie smiles a little. “well, regardless of the spooky stuff you wanna see, keep your eyes in the boat.” she doesn’t mention the vast number of.. creatures drawn to a panicking sailor, who would smell scar’s fear a mile away and make a beeline to the easiest meal.

“yes ma’am.” scar says, and lizzie can’t see him but she just knows he’s saluting her right now. 

in all honesty, lizzie had tried to talk scar out of this impromptu midnight trip, but he was entirely insistent on joining her. he’d said he wanted to experience the things she’d been talking about, which made lizzie think he didn’t entirely believe her when she mentioned the dangers of the night—not that she blames him. if she was told about the ghosts and leviathans of the deeps, she doesn’t think she’d believe those stories unless she’d seen them for herself.

of course, lizzie hasn’t told anyone about the leviathan just yet. it- she will, she totally will, just.. a little later. 

she didn’t want to scare them, okay. joel is entirely freaked by the ghost boats and the phantom crows that have attacked lizzie numerous times over—she’s always been fine after those attacks. the last thing she wants is to terrify him with the mindsuckers in twisted strand or those infuriating little fish at devil’s spine, and especially not the creature that resides in the pit of stellar’s basin. now, lizzie isn’t saying that it’s definitely the kraken, but.. well, what else could it be?

so yeah, lizzie certainly isn’t about to go telling everyone that she might be being stalked by a giant leviathan that she’s had nightmares about eating her if she strays to far from the mainland multiple times. not that she’s scared that, if she admits it out loud, she’ll have to face the reality of the situation. of course she isn’t. lizzie just doesn’t want to freak everyone else out, okay?

jarring her from her thoughts, lizzie jolts as she hears the distinct sound of a phantom foghorn—far too close for comfort. swearing under her breath, lizzie speeds up as the red of her irises begins to glow. she’s fine, they’ll be fine, so long as-

“scar,” she barks; no time to be soothing. “don’t look out of the window, don’t speculate on what that noise could be. focus on- I don’t know, focus on- on mumbo.”

“lizzie-“

“focus on mumbo!” lizzie shouts, voice pitching higher than she’d like it to as she does. “this is gonna get a little bumpy.”

the fog seems to bore into lizzie’s eyes as she searches desperately for any sign of light in front of her, flooding her mind with that awful red haze. the floodlights flicker and dim in front of them, and she slams her hand on the dashboard until they turn back on. she is not about to go driving in pitch black today.

there’s a kind of desperation clawing its way through lizzie’s chest as she catches the barest glimpses of the light from the moon dancing on the surface of the water, gone as soon as it appeared. the lighthouse is obscured by- something or other, whether that be gale cliffs or the research station or.. something else entirely. there’s no way for lizzie to know where they are, no landmark to gage their position, meaning her map is entirely useless. if she could just-

and there it is, a beacon of hope against the dismal gloom: an island. a dockable island—a lantern hanging off the edge of the planks. lizzie almost laughs in breathless relief—they’re fine, they’re safe, they’re gonna be okay. she doesn’t dare slow down, even as she’s mere metres away, in case the anglerfish is still on her tail. docks, as she’s learnt, are built to be strong and sturdy; it’d take more than her little fishing boat to break one.

in the end, it’s lucky she didn’t slow. 

to her horror, her lights begin to sweep over the island, and where they should illuminate the foliage of the side, the entire landmass begins to disappear before her eyes. in a matter of seconds, the illusion of hope is revealed to be nothing but that: false. which means they remain lost, in the middle of an unforgiving ocean.

“scar,” lizzie tries her best to keep her terror out of her voice, but even to her own ears, she sounds almost hysterical. “can you look out the window and tell me if you can see any light.”

scar doesn’t respond, but there’s a quiet shuffling that tells her he’s doing as she asks. “there’s- the lighthouse is behind us. I think there’s another boat too.”

“lesson one of sailing, scar,” lizzie grits, turning the boat in a circle until she can see the lighthouse. “never go after a boat at night.”

“what if it’s a person in distress?” scar asks, and lizzie tries to hide her look of horror. she knew he was inexperienced, but that kind of naivety is what gets you killed.

“if they’re out here at night, that’s their problem.” lizzie says, narrowly dodging a mass of that stupid red mist—not that it’d change much. she’s already pretty insane. “but nine times out of ten, that’s an anglerfish that wants you as its supper.” she pauses. “no one expects you to save them out here. if you even start to rely on anyone but yourself when you’re in the open waters, you’re already dead.”

“I rely on you.” scar says, quiet.

lizzie allows herself a smile. “well, you’re on my boat. I just mean. the fog isn’t just this big spooky thing that makes you see things. it gets in your head, it brings stuff- real stuff out to get you, and half of it is disguised as hope.”

“so that- the foghorn earlier,” scar says slowly, sounding slightly more certain of himself. “that wasn’t a person?”

“oh. no- that was definitely not a person.” lizzie says. “i’m- i’m sorry, I thought I must have mentioned the anglerfish at-“

“that was the anglerfish?” scar interrupts. “you- I just thought it looked similar to a boat- it can dothat?”

“it didn’t used to be able to, that’s for sure.” lizzie scoffs. “the fog is more powerful than you expect it to be—and that includes when you expect it to be extremely powerful.”

there’s a stretch of silence, before- “you know, I think I might just travel in the daytime.” 

lizzie cackles, some of the anxiety draining away. “I reckon that’s a pretty good idea, scar.”

[friends-to-lovers-tournament]

Friends to Lovers Tournament: Round 3, Side A, Match 4

propaganda under the cut!

Junnana:

Oh they are so very silly and I adore them. They basically spent the anime being the most married couple there, the game amplifying that and the movie burning that all to the ground (or Nana did that) before vowing to start a new later. They're just a girl reaching for her dreams without a ton of natural talent and a girl who enjoys helping her friends shine instead of herself despite being super skilled but even though they have slightly different goals on the stage they both respect each other so very much to the point where things only go wrong in the movie because Nana lost a bit of the respect for Junna that was always so fundamental in their dynamic. The Overture manga gives a bit of insight into what their early interactions were like especially in their respective focus chapters (3 and 9), with 3 showing that Nana was planning on becoming their class president rather than Junna but stepped down just because she had so much trust in her abilities while still making it clear that Junna could rely on her while in 9 the mutual reliance came back in the form of Junna being the one to make Nana realize she wasn't alone. Carrying onwards to the anime, some time before the whole thing, Nana decided "hey time loops are pretty cool" because she was afraid of her and her friends growing up and separating. This was not a fact known by anybody but her and that one giraffe and did not affect the early plot, where for the most part Junna was more focused on due to her struggles being highlighted from the moment revues were introduced and Nana was just constantly around her. Then Junna ended up being the first person Nana actually told about them directly (and not in a very vague way in a revue because otherwise Hikari would be the first) because it was looking like said loops were about to end because the childhood friends to lovers dynamic as a whole decided to say nuh uh to her. Then she did in fact lose her next revue which made the idea of continuing her repetitions a little impossible but Junna ended up recovering from that whole shock pretty quickly, and went to comfort Nana and help her learn to start anew. 

Then there's the game which. yeah there's so much stuff in there that I can't even explain it all. In the main story we get the arc of Nana starting her overprotective bs once again, getting stopped and then being given more courage to move forward by Junna since she was realizing that she kind of messed up (since she decided to object to the concept of plays just having lead actors in general. as you do), but there's so much stuff outside of the main story. Highlights include: Junnana literally making up their own ship name, Nana deciding the best way to practice for a role centered around an observant character was to observe Junna specifically, Nana writing a self-indulgent Phantom of the Opera adaptation with herself as the Phantom and Junna as Christine in an event where it turned out she relates to the Phantom (red flag #1 as far as I'm concerned) and wrote Christine based on Junna (Junna was very okay with this but I find it hilarious that she made her adaption of a famous play basically self insert fanfiction), the actual Junnana kiss (stage kiss?? real kiss?? we'll never know), the Valentine's Day event where Junna kept saying things like "oh I'd go to any lengths for Nana" while talking about making chocolate of all things, the time Junna talked about how she wouldn't let anybody take her place of staying right by Nana's side if she had to because she loves being there completely out of the blue to Nana's ex of all people (not a canon ex but a lot of people who know about her whole deal with Nana at least agree that they had something going on. and let me tell you Junna telling the person who constantly regrets not having the strength to remain by Nana's side how much she loved being with Nana was not a smart choice, even though Hisame, the girl in question, took it very well), the Steins;Gate collab where a good chunk of the plot is just Junna being worried about Nana, a play where it turned out that the whole time Junna and Nana had both taken inspiration from each other for their roles, the time they had to actively stop themselves during separate interviews from just rambling about each other, etc. There's so much. Also I forgot to mention it during the main story part but there's also an alternate universe briefly discussed where one of their friends just does not exist so Nana is one of the two best actors in the class and gets the lead role in the play they perform every year, and there's a scene after their performance where Junna talks about how, in the play which is a tragedy involving two lesbians in love, Nana's performance made her think that, if she had stood as her co-star, she would have simply been built different and prevented the tragedy from happening. The plot ends with one character falling form a tower and another being imprisoned within it, and Junna is like "if I was this tragedy and I was with you I would have simply taken your character's hand and never let her go". They're just so married in the game and I can't believe them for it

And then there's the movie. We don't talk about the movie but I kind of have to. Okay so you remember those two friends I was talking about who act very married and ultimately have a lot of their relationship based around their mutual respect for each other? What if Nana stopped respecting Junna entirely one day? That's their movie arc. This movie covers the girls "dying" as stage girls (ie. losing what made them true stage girls/actors in the first place) and then being "reborn" as them, and unfortunately Nana is of the opinion that Junna could just simply have her symbolism death and not the other part. During their revue, Nana talks a lot about how beautiful and dazzling (using those exact words. she even called Junna heartbreakingly beautiful in the dub) Junna was when she was foolishly reaching for a role she wasn't likely to get, but put it all in past tense, and encouraged Junna to let herself die as a stage girl in a brilliant manor rather than trying and failing to grasp her brilliance and dying out like that. also she called her an ugly fruit which sure is something. Then Junna was like "???? no I won't do that actually???" and took one of Nana's swords from her to engage in a sword fight since Nana had destroyed her usual weapon. Which was not a great matchup briefly because Junna never used a sword in her life but after Nana realized that the Junna she was fighting was different from the Junna she knew, and didn't match the role she had assigned for her, Junna ended up telling Nana that her own role was something she'd define for herself and not something Nana could assign for her, and ended up winning against her. After the revue was over, Junna still wanted Nana in her life, and promised her that, one day, they'd reunite on a stage which belonged to both of them, even though they had to find their own stages before that could happen. Before they departed, Nana lamented that Junna was dazzling, contradicting her previous belief that she was only dazzling in the past, all while beginning to cry, and Junna nearly turned around to comfort her, but ultimately decided to continue onto her next stage as Nana carried onwards to her own, knowing that they would both need to grow before their reunion. I also want to mention that, during this scene, a picture of the two of them, one which Nana had stabbed through the middle as she was telling Junna how dazzling she thought she once was, had since been moved to a little pond in the background of the scene (and of the background of the start of the whole revue, so it was there the whole time) that was nearly identical to the one where Junna and Nana had had their moment of comfort at the end of episode 9 of the anime. With the middle of the picture being soaked in water, it ended up sinking just enough for the new cut in the middle of the picture to appear almost mended, showing that, while the damage Nana had done and the rift between them was still there, it was already starting to mend as they once again regarded each other as equals. This scene lives in my head constantly and haunts me daily. Congratulations to Junnana for having a divorce arc as high schoolers

Soriku:

Ultimate friends to lovers. They've been best friends since childhood but as they start to grow up, those feelings change into a more romantic nature but neither handles this well. Riku in particular has a whole villain arc about it bc his insecurities about the situation get the better of him, meanwhile Sora isn't self aware enough to recognize his feelings are romantic in nature but he spends all of his time desperately trying to get Riku back so they can be together again. Ultimately even after they come together, their love continues to be a main driving force of the narrative and it's so palpable

[ghnosis]

my spoiler-free review of RHRH, a neutral-to-negative take

most important point: I had fun at the ghovie

there are not plot spoilers below, but if you want to go in totally totally blind, don't read below the cut!

important note: I don't care for the Chapters. I don't watch them, they're not my kind of humour. I was curious to see how Tobias would spin the ghovie - most people aren't aware of the Chapters or of the entirety of the backstory, and most people won't care about that stuff. my biggest question going in was how is Tobias going to make the die hard fans happy AND make this an accessible experience for the more casual fan?

spoiler alert: in my opinion, he didn't! the Guardian review is evidence of this, though its tone is typically pissy. RHRN is weighted towards the big-time ghestie.

there was a brief attempt at the beginning to explain the legacy of the Emeritus family, but it outright states that Nihil was "the first one," which ("my father's father's father-") isn't the case. oversimplication for the sake of runtime, sure, fine, but I have OCD and this stuff bugs me.

as a concert film, RHRN fails for me. eyeing the runtime and my knowledge of shows, I figured RHRN would start with 25ish minutes of silly Chapter skit stuff, then 2 hours of ritual. I assumed this order would be good for physical/streaming sales - if you put all the stuff nobody but the die-hards care about in the beginning, it's easily skippable. nope! the chapter/skit stuff is throughout the film, breaking the immersion of the concert experience.

I use Green Day's Bullet in a Bible as a measuring stick for this sort of thing: watching Bullet in a Bible does feel like seeing an enhanced experience of a Green Day show. watching Nirvana on MTV Unplugged feels like (I imagine - I was a toddler at the time) seeing Nirvana play live. hell, watching Riding in Vans with Boys feels like seeing blink-182 live. I want a concert film to give me a better angle of the show itself than I could ever possibly see live, plus some behind the scenes stuff. I don't feel like RHRN provides a good ritual experience. one thing I personally think about a lot in this fandom is the multimodality - we can't all afford to go to a ritual, especially as Ghost plays huger and huger arenas. if you were hoping RHRN would be like a recorded ritual, it is not. this feels like a big missed opportunity to me.

the sound mixing is not what I would expect from a film like this. I saw RHRN in a theater where I also saw Dune II and a few Star Wars. I literally had a headache leaving Dune bc it was too loud. but RHRN was too quiet. there is no sense of "wall of sound" in the recording, which fucking sucks; this is a mixing/editing issue. every time I turn on American Idiot or Bullet in a Bible, my ears get blown clean off. hell, every time I turn on Impera, my ears get blown off. this is possible! it just wasn't done here.

the film editing is erratic. shots were sort of stapled together - one moment it would be a Dewdrop solo and then two seconds later he was somewhere else on stage entirely, or ghouls had moved around behind him in a way that broke my flow. for a stage show as choreographed as Ghost's, this seems weird at best. I'm willing to concede that I have OCD and stuff like this might bother me way more than it bothers you... but I heard murmurings of similar opinions as we all left the theater.

the camera doesn’t linger on an individual Ghoul or Papa as long as it should. the distribution of Ghoul time on screen is also... odd? Dewdrop takes center stage, with Phantom/Aeon a close second. Mountain lovers got great food. there was.... okay? Cumulus content. I felt a distinct lack of Cirrus, Aurora and Swiss. we were denied any shimmies!!! as we were leaving I heard someone say "I starved." there was not enough swiggity swooty.

the erratic editing also means you really can't focus on your fave ghoul, because the close-ups keep moving around. Dewdrop hand lovers, you will eat. Rain only gets a big-deal closeup during "Con Clavi," which is to be expected but is also a bummer. we do get the classic Dew pissy pick throw, a middle finger, and a flash of YouSuck, but the ghoul on ghoul interaction isn't really present in the film. each ghoul felt isolated to me; the interaction is what I love at a Ghost show.

the crowd shots are gorgeous but are also inauthentic to my experience as a Ghost fan - lot of really conventionally pretty gender conforming white women in the audience. "it's hollywood, blah blah-" shut up. the experience of looking around my theater at all the beautiful true humanity was way more fun than the crowd I saw on screen. any Ghost show I've ever gone to has literally every possible segment of humanity in it. SHOW ME THE QUEERDOS TOBIAS. WE PAY YOUR MORTGAGE. there *is* one person in makeup and braces who I loved, and there's one long shot of a face literally just like :O during I think Cirice? which, mood.

credit where it's due: there is a truly cool effect where Häxan (1922) is showing interspersed/on top of the band playing "Year Zero." this ruled. it felt like it took editing hints from Bram Stoker's Dracula, the movie of all time for me. "Twenties" ruled. "If You Have Ghosts" was fucking haunting - that (opera?) singer was incredible. wished I saw her name!! cello ghoulettes 100/10. skeleton dancers 1000/10. they put their whole pussies into it. there are a ton of waving Plushias and Popias and they all look as off-brand as possible, which is great.

tl;dr. RHRN fails as a concert movie for me, but going to get my little popcorn bucket and sippy cup, and picking an outfit, and seeing all the ghesties in our finery at the theater was fun!!! the air in the theater felt like the air before a ritual. hearing people giggle at the jokes, even jokes that didn't land for me, was fun. hearing the reaction to the plot stuff was fun. if you are a casual Ghost enjoyer, I don't recommend seeing the movie - but if you hate the Chapters but like Ghost, I don't think the chapter parts will be too much/too prevalent for you to enjoy it. try to go when the theater is full, so you can get the best experience possible.

[symphonic-scream]

Okay. I'm getting back into writing. Fics. So, I've got ten aus up for the chopping block. Which one would y'all rather see me try?

DESCRIPTION OF EACH AU UNDER THE CUT TO SAVE SPACE

So. Details below! Vote, spread the word, I don't care. Just wanna write someone people are interested in

Persona 5 Magic Au:

Follows the plot of Persona 5 Royal but, instead of personas, each member is either a monster or has magic. Action focused, with darker themes and violence.

The Phantom Queers:

The Phantom Thieves are all adults, all very queer. Hifumi is a newly out trans woman and Joker introduces her to his Gay Friends to help mentor her on her queer journey. Mostly fluff, talks about some bad stuff, but about accepting who you are

Persona 5 Inaba Au:

Joker has just moved to Inaba and suddenly his ordinary year in a small turn has been turned into a mad search for a murderer. Aka, It's Persona 4, but with the Persona 5 characters. Regular warnings for death and Persona themes, but with some fluffier and lighthearted group moments.

Persona 5 Pirate Au:

A young boy with a ship sets out to gather the greatest pirate crew of all. Their goal? To take down corruption coast to coast, getting back at the corrupt societies that threw them aside. Very actiony, got some more mature themes. But also. Boat.

Niijima Twins Au:

Okay this one's quick to lay out. It's Persona 5 Royal but Akechi Goro is the twin brother of Makoto Niijima. That's it. Changes things. Has the same themes as Persona 5. But. Lots of heavy emotional conversations and unhealthy sibling relationships

Persona 5 Heroes Au:

Too young to be members of the formal hero league, the Phantom Thieves are instead a team of Youth Heroes, their nemesis being a serial killer for. Some reason. Heavy focus on Makoto x Haru. Like. They're the main plot in this one it's a gay au

Persona 5 Age Swap Au:

So the adult confidants are now teens and the teens are the adult confidants. Sojiro got arrested and now has been sent to Tokyo to serve his parole for a year. What adventures will he have? Again, just general Persona type themes

Persona 5 Pokemon Au:

Uhm. Yeah they're all Pokemon Trainers traveling in the same general directions, who all witnessed something that made them all agree to stop corruption in the region. Lighter than the others since it's Pokemon

Persona 4 Tokyo Au:

Yu Narukami has been arrested and now has to spend a year in Tokyo for his parole. However, staying out of trouble is impossible when the Metaverse gets involved. Aka, it's P5 but with the P4 characters. Will be Persona level themes again

Persona 4 Apocalypse Au:

Inaba has been covered in a dense fog, inky shadows lurking around every corner. While the survivors are holed up in Yasogami High, some can't help but feel like they could be doing more. One of the darkest ones on the list. Death and shit. It's an apocalypse au what do you expect?

[aprocessionofthoughts]

Sacrifices

ai-less whumptober23 day 12- sacrifice/character death fandom- Danny phantom TW- character death, medical stuff summary- Danny offers to trade himself for Ellie.

ao3 ailesswhumptober masterlist part 1 of SIANT

The world wavered in and out of focus. Danny much preferred when he was drifting in Nocturne’s realm. 

He didn’t know how long he had been here. How long he had been trapped. 

The GIW had been a joke at first.

But then they had captured her.

His clone. His sister. His mirrorborn.

They had come to his haunt and taunted him while holding a gun to her head, an ectoranium infused collar sound her neck. He could see that she was struggling not to cry. She was bruised and bloody and Danny was filled with rage and desperation.

He wouldn’t be able to save her. Not before they shot the gun.

They had given him a deal.

He had taken it.

It had been simple. Just a trade. If he gave himself up, they would free her.

They had tossed him a similar collar along with a pair of ectoranium infused cuffs. He had snapped them on, grunting with a mix of pain and weakness as his powers were locked in his core.

They had an agent on him in an instant, shoving him to the ground and holding a gun against his head. 

He didn’t resist.

“It’ll be okay.” He’d told her and she had sobbed.

But then the agents had smirked and the one holding Ellie had fired his gun.

Danny screamed, watching as green splattered the ground and her body slumped to the ground while the agents laughed.

“You didn’t really think we’d let some ectoscum go, did you?” 

Danny struggled then but with the cuffs and his very core screaming, it was easy for the agents to knock him out and drag him into their van.

The next time he woke up he was being tossed in a cell. It was barely big enough to sit up in and only wide enough to curl up on his side.

It reminded him of a dog kennel.

The cuffs and collar were still on so he didn’t have access to his powers.

He wasn’t sure how long they left him there, the lights went out at one point, so Danny assumed a night had passed already.

His body ached from being unable to stretch and he wished he could phase out.

It had been several hours since the lights had come back on, and Danny was lying on his side when two agents walked in.

Danny stared at them. He wanted to quip, make a joke, but he was afraid that if he opened his mouth all that would come out is a sob. Ellie was gone.

The agents stopped in front of his cage and one held up a remote. While staring Danny in the eyes he pressed the button.

Electric shocks coursed through Danny’s body. His neck felt like it was on fire and he opened his mouth with a silent scream.

When they finally subsided, Danny found that he was on his side, panting and shaking with the aftershocks.

The agents were chuckling.

“Well that’s one way to tame it.” the agent with the remote said.

“I’ll take it from here Agent T.”

The agent sighed, before handing over the remote. “I’ll see you at lunch then, Agent E.”

When he had gone, the remaining agent, Agent E, turned to Danny.

“Nifty little tool, isn’t it Phantom?” he said, turning the remote over in his hand.

“I thought you believed ghosts couldn’t feel pain?” Danny rasped, his throat sore.

“Now Phantom, you and I both know that’s a lie.”

“Then why…”

The agent smirked. “Even the lowest of lifeforms  can feel pain. Honestly, it would be more of a shame if you couldn’t. It wouldn’t make any of this nearly as fun.”

“Screw–” Danny cut off with a scream. The agent had pressed the remote again.

“Now, now, Phantom, don’t make me punish you needlessly. We both know you’re in for enough pain as it is.”

Danny whimpered in pain, closing his eyes in shame.

The agent crouched by the cell.

“It’s alright, Phantom. I know you’re still learning. And I believe you can do better.”

Danny was trembling as they opened the cage, his body too weak to do anything as they dragged him out.

He put him in a smaller cage on wheels which he pushed out of the room.

Danny let his head fall against the side of the cage, his muscles still spasming. 

When the cage stopped moving, Danny opened his eyes. But once what he was looking at registered, he jerked back hitting the back of the cage.

“Don’t make things more difficult than they have to be, Phantom.”

Danny’s breaths were coming quicker and quicker and he jerked back as the agents opened the cage.

Danny heard the man sigh and saw him take out the remote.

“No! Wait–” Danny started, but cut off as his body spasmed, his mouth opened but no sound came out. Darkness had started to cover Danny’s vision, when the pain stopped.

He couldn't move as hands reached in to pull him out.

He felt himself being laid on a table, his limbs stretched out and restrained. Another restraint on the table attached to the collar and another went around his waist.

His thoughts felt sluggish from the shocks and from the panic that had started from the moment he saw Ellie. 

His breathing started to pick up again as he saw faces in doctor masks peering down at him. He knew they were talking but all he could hear through the ringing in his ears was a faint murmur.

This can’t be happening.

He can’t be–

This isn’t–

Danny trembles as they cut off his suit. As they poke and prod at him. Shining lights into his eyes. They attach some sort of suction cup thing near the center of his chest and Danny hears what sounds like a heart monitor except it seems to whir with slight upticks in pitch every now and then.

Is that his core?

He winces as they jab him with a needle. He looks to the side and sees they’re extracting blood, or at least what he considers blood in this form. He doesn’t actually have blood vessels so he’s not sure how that works.

They extract a lot and he’s feeling faint by the time they pull the needle out. 

Danny feels floaty from the combination of blood loss, fear, and the electric shocks. So, it takes him a moment to see that there’s now a scientist standing over his arm with a scalpel. He tries to jerk away, but with the restraints there’s little he can do other than twitch.

Danny cries out as the scalpel bites into his flesh.

He’s been hurt plenty of times. But this deliberateness, this gradual movement of the blade, this is so much worse. Danny’s crying by the time the scientist pulls away, a chunk of flesh in his hand which he sets aside on a table before returning.

Danny’s face is soaked in tears and snot by the time they’re done. They’ve taken flesh from various parts of his body and everything hurts so much.

He wants to go home, wants a hug from his dad and his mom’s fudge. He wants Jazz’s concern and wants to hang out with Sam and Tucker.

And Ellie–

He wants to go home.

[linaisfunny]

SAD HEADCANONS FOR SIREN BECAUSE I LOVE MY CHAT AND WAS TARGETED

1#. Due to the God mouth, It’s harder for Siren to differentiate between reality and his own mind. He’ll debate with himself for hours if some stuff that’s happened to him was, “really real.”

He’ll fall into rabbit holes of wondering if anything that happened was actually true, or did he even get out of the God’s mouth? Is this some hallucination? Is he real?

Usually, the only way to calm him down form these is talking to others. It grounds him and makes him focus on the conversation rather then his failing mind.

(Sometimes when it’s really bad, it’s him who feels like the phantom among real, living people.)

2#. He has to remind himself that he’s not a Prince anymore and doesn’t have to be, “Perfect.” Doesn’t have to smile a certain way or act a certain way. Sometimes, though. Sometimes, once he makes even the smallest mistake in his appearance or speech or even tone, he freezes. He made a mistake, he’s not supposed to make mistakes, he can’t make mistakes, he’s supposed to be perfect, he’s supposed to be the perfect Prince-

Sometimes. Sometimes. Siren gets a little frustrated when he makes a mistake. He has to be perfect, anyone would. Of course, perfect people don’t get frustrated, do they?

3#. Toxic positivity. Even to the point of insanity; Siren will find away to make himself the joke. His feelings and thoughts unserious and unimportant. Everything always just one big joke. Never to others, but always to himself. Never wants to ruin a mood, ya know? He’s fine, his arm could be cut off but, “Oh, no! Yeah, I’m fine. Totally! Just a scratch, don’t worry, I’ll be fine. It’s fine. I’m fine and everything is fine.”

Everything is always fine. He’s always happy and everything is always fine.

“If you’re not joking, why even speak in the first place? If you’re not smiling, what’s the point of showing your face at all?”

5#. Insomnia. His head keeps him up for hours. Constantly just going; like he’s running from something and just has to stay up. He’ll just wonder around or do something; seeing, reading, writing, drawing, crying. If he breaks in the night it doesn’t count. It never counts. He’s hidden by the twilight; nobody can see and nobody can hear. It’s only him and his shame. The daytime is showtime but the night is his backstage.

It’s okay to cry when there’s no mood to ruin or people to piss off. You just gotta look presentable in the morning. What a sad little jester.

7#. He’s scared of the dark. Siren has told nobody about it; they’ll laugh. He knows they will. (Even he can’t take himself seriously) but…God. He hates the dark. It makes him feel watched. Like there’s people surrounding him; just around the corner. Something following him. But thats childish. So he doesn’t tell anyone.

8#. He’s very sensitive to how people perceive him. He’s terrified that people will see right through him, that they already do. That they see the sad little boy he really is. But, what Siren doesn’t know is, they don’t.

The only reason Kappa noticed in the comics is because he was caught at a bad moment (in the night) he played it off well though. He’s horribly depressed and jaded and nobody has the even the slightest idea.

Siren thinks everyone can see through him; everyone else thinks they do and see a funny, genuine man. They don’t.

9#. He likes being angry. Just a little bit. He spent his entire life in a castle. Trapped. Left to his own devices as the people around him died(he feels like he died with them) alone. The days blurred, the months went hazy and the years fell through his fingers like sand. Then, he was angry. So devastatingly angry. Beyond furious. At his own mother. Then finally, it was almost like a new side of him was unlocked. He was someone bitter, mean, passionate, loud, jaded, violent, someone angry. Someone alive!

That anger, that betrayal; it breathed life into him. Melted his icy world and then set it on fire. Boiled his blood, restarted his heart, made his muscles shriek. He could feel his heart beat and lungs breathe for the first time in his life. He was alive! He was alive! He was alive!

And then he swallowed down his fury and never touched it again. Never showed it. He was alive; then he stopped his own heart. Sometimes though; in the darkest of nights, he breaths once more.

(It’s not enough, it’s never enough, but showtime is soon.)

10#. He hates himself. Siren truly cannot stand himself. He wants to crawl out of his own skin. Wish that he was never born the way he was. Himself.

But that doesn’t matter. Because he’s fine. And he’s happy! And funny! So it doesn’t matter and everything is fine.

Everything is just great,

Everything is just fine.

HOW DO WE FEEL ABOUT THIS ONE CHAT??? SMASH OR PASS?? CRINGE EDGELORD OR BOMB?



[mochiwrites]

Hi mochi! Soo this might be very unexpected and feel free to ignore but, I've been rereading songbirds blood au again. While I've been reading I have had my notes app open taking notes and questions and I have a ton for fics 1 - 3

:^]

( “You know there’s been people saying that the culprit is a vampire with all the neck biting stuff involved.” Pearl tells him, making Grian scoff. 

He swallows his toast, “C’mon Pearl, no one actually believes that.” )

( Vampires aren’t real. They’re just a myth, a story.” )

-two of the quotes which i just find ironic in showing your teeth at the moon fic 1

Ohhohhohh grian if you only knew what was going to happen. :^]

Fic 2 (I could only lead you so far)

Firstly Cub giving the murder cases to Grian is mighty suspicious, especially after Grian met Mumbo for the first time. I believe Cub mightve knew that Grian met Mumbo and he knew that Mumbo would help him with the case. Time travel or he is physic or warden hearing power??? (It could just be that he is just tired of the case and he is human)

Also Boogle??? I love it I think Google should change to Boogle, just imagine!

Mumbo mentioned that ghost and ghouls exist. Will we possible see any ghost or ghouls in the future? But are ghost kinda the same as phantoms such as in the origins mod pack?

Fic 3 (Defend your factions, cut the lines)

Since Doc is the mayor of aqua town does he use like magic to make himself look different. I would think soo because he is literally a creeper hybrid green skin, robotics and all. I think if he were to make a appearance like that in town people would run for their lives. Like said he was giving a speech or in a meeting etc...

Now Impulse mentioned that he and zed are roommates. "And they were roommates!"/silly . Soo does that make zed also a supernatural or is he like Grian and knowing that Impulse is a supernatural? Or it might be that zed doesn't know but I think that is kinda impossible with how nosy he is/pos

Now when Grian was following Mumbo to town how did Mumbo not hear or smell him?

Lastly how did you come up with the titles? All of them are soo unique and fit the fic soo perfectly!

Thank you for listening there might be more ask in the future if you're comfortable with it😊

EEEEEEE I LOVE ASKS LIKE THESE HEHE

I do really love looking all the way back at the start of songbird and seeing where grian was at in the beginning 🥺 he was so naive and free of trauma and was really just dropped headfirst into the supernatural world. and GOD grian and mumbo at the start??? they’ve come such a long way

cub gave grian the spotlight with the paper for two (2) reasons!! :D it truly was simply because he thought grian could do it more justice and well. being such a focus in the paper isn’t quite his style <3

the Boogle thing… I think it’s my proudest achievement of songbird actually /silly

ghost or ghouls HM. in arc 3 we probably won’t! but maybe they’ll appear in the story, you never know! I don’t have any plans at the moment, but that can definitely change in the future <3 as for if they’re similar to origins phantom… I’ll probably end up using ghost and phantom as synonyms and swap them around if they ever appear in songbird. so yeah! they’ll be the same thing — maybe just with some extra world building chucked in hehe

so!!! for doc, he’s not a creeper hybrid!!! he’s a vampire just like mumbo is! in songbird he looks like a regular guy™️ with pale skin and green hair. I imagine the only thing he would use his glamour for is to hide his pointy ears :D

zed doesn’t know that impulse is a demon :3 impulse has been alive for like. thousands of years now (he was definitely alive during the supernatural rebellion), he’s had lots of practice keeping his demon side a secret, especially from nosy people like zed

with mumbo not hearing or smelling grian, it’s two factors! one: grian kept enough distance. and two: it’s as simple as mumbo had a lot on his mind that distracted him. I mean, he just found out about the murders going on in town and got more information about it from doc. we know just how much mumbo cares about people, even if he tries not to. between doc, the council, the murders, plus mumbo doing “work” for the council? there was definitely a lot going on inside his head that left him a bit distracted and therefore not paying attention to grian

and hehe thank you!!! I pull my titles for songbird fics from the playlist I made specifically for the au!! :D my process is pretty simple — I grab a song or song lyric (if it’s a one shot) that matches the vibe/theme/focus of the fic and there we go!

double and!!! I’m more than comfortable with more asks :D I genuinely love seeing other people’s thoughts and theories on songbird, it always makes me so excited. the fact that people take the time to engage with my writing like that is so ;w; it makes me very happy and almost??? honored??? 🥺 so yes!!! please feel free to share more <33

[fixyourwritinghabits]

Interview with Jess Mahler, Part 1

Today's interview is with Jess Mahler, writer of serialized queer SFF fiction! You can find them and their work at the following:

Substack: https://jessmahler.substack.com/

Webserial catalog: https://jessmahler.com/webserial-catalog/

Author page: https://books2read.com/ap/nAEEOn/Jess-Mahler

A pre-sale for upcoming release: https://www.smashwords.com/books/presale/1154035/DJNG3G

Part One can be found under the cut, Part Two will be posted tomorrow!

You write serial queer SFF fiction. Why does that kind of fiction interest you, and how did you get started in it? Did you know Dickens – Charles Dickens, 'A Christmas Carol' Dickens, why the fuck are you making me read this hundred-year-old 'Classic' Dickens, wrote his books as serials? Serials fell out of fashion when novels became affordable. For a time, they were replaced by newspaper comics. The old comics like Prince Valient and the Phantom are some of the last survivors of the time when most long-form fiction was newspaper serials. When I started planning this 3 years ago, almost no one had heard of serials. You sometimes saw serials on Amazon where each chapter was published as a 99c ebook, and there was Tales of MU and other free fiction folks had shared for ages. But incredibly niche and nothing subscription based.

A few years ago, I had several problems:

I was struggling with long-form fiction – I kept having ideas for short stories that spawned sequels, so I tried to just write novels, and that… didn't go horribly but didn't work well either.

I had accepted that I was shit at marketing and needed to do something different if I wanted people to hear about my writing.

I needed a new blog topic.

I cannot work on one story at a time. I need at least two stories to bounce between. And after 3 months of focusing on a storyline, I need to take a break.

A friend and I were talking the mess over one day when something in the convo reminded me that Dickens' stuff was all first written as newspaper serials. One thing became another, and I launched Jess Mahler's Serials on January 1, 2021. Amazon announced its subscription serial service, Kindle Vella, a few months later, and I still say they stole my idea. wink

Why did you decide to focus on queer SFF?

Why queer fiction? Because I'm queer, and I like to queer shit. I never actually set out to write queer fiction. I originally described the serials only as SFF. But at one point, I realized that while most of the stories are SFF (there are two exceptions so far), all of them are queer.

As for why SFF – well, there's the fun reason and the practical reason. The fun reason is that I grew up burying myself in myths and legends and folk tales. Then in 7th grade, we read The Littlest Dragon Boy in English class. I asked my teacher where I could find more like it – I never looked back.

The practical reason is that I'm not that good at research. I tried doing a historical fiction story once and gave up a month in after realizing I'd never be able to get the setting accurate enough to suit me. I reworked it as a 'lost colony' sci-fi bit. It was one of the first serials I wrote, and it's on Smash and Amazon now as Bound by His Oath.

Me+worldbuilding? Amazing stuff happens Me+research? Sad face So I play to my strengths.

How do you go about planning a serialized work of fiction? What helps keep you on track with a regular schedule of updates? 

Once I decided to go with serials, I wanted to have a firm word count goal for each episode. I aim for 1000-2000 words, which I figured is a good length for reading on a lunch break or waiting for the bus. I have several friends who are often frustrated with not being able to read because of a lack of time or trouble focusing. So keeping it short seemed like a good way to make the stories accessible.

Because of my own attention span, I decided to break stories down into 'seasons' of about 3 months long. ~1500 word episodes, for 12-14 episodes gave me a rough goal for each season. Two episodes a week, because most of the time I can write 3-5000 words a week, which meant (I figured) that I could write, edit and post 2-4000 words a week without too much trouble.

Some stories, like How NOT to Save the World or Planting Life in a Dying City, I have an idea for a full novel-type storyline. I'll sketch out the overarching plot and break it into sections and subplots that will work for season-length story arcs. Other stories, like Mighty Hero Force Epsilon or Last Lady of Lună, I have an idea for the characters. "What if this happened to these people?" I try to at least have a general idea for how a season will end.

I knew I wanted the first season of L3 to end with Nastasia and her sotii having a solid start to their new relationship. But I swear Epsilon's season 1 ending surprised me as much as any of my readers. I use a spreadsheet to track what's written, what needs to be edited, what's scheduled, when I expect to finish a season, so on and so forth.

On an episode level, I've learned not to plan too far ahead of my writing. What I expect to be 13 episodes always ends up being 12 episodes, or 14. But for stories and seasons, I've got a rough schedule worked out through the end of 2024. And a list of 7 stories waiting to join rotation after that.

Sadly, because of my health problems, I do tend to miss updates. This year I've missed about 8 updates, which works out to less than one a month on average. That wouldn't bother me, except they tend to come in chunks – when I'm healthy I try to write enough to create a buffer. Then I use up the buffer a bit at a time until it runs out. I have a 'snippet month' in September/October where I share story ideas and mini-fics. It gives me time to catch up or rebuild the buffer, but so far I've been running out of buffer around July. Which means there are often several misses over July and August. 

How do you approach writing a second season of a serial story? Is that something you plan from the beginning, or do you figure out you want more to the story as it goes along? 

I guess I got ahead of myself in question 2. ;-) But regardless of if I have a full story planned or not, I do have a feel for how many seasons a story will run. Epsilon has to be at least three seasons. The first had to introduce the characters and the world, the second will… well, I won't spoiler, but fix the mess the characters find themselves in, and the third will either resolve or extend the story. One is written, I have a very general idea of how two will go, and three… well, there will be a season three. Past that? There be dragons. (Figuratively, in this case.) Other stories I know will only be a single season – or even a mini-season. First Came Trust, I knew going in wouldn't be more than 8-10 episodes. It actually ended up shorter than that! It's something like an odd meet-cute. Sort of. You don't get a long story out of two people meeting and deciding to take a chance on each other. No matter how unconventional the meeting. (If you want a break from Christmas-everything, First Came Trust is out in ebook on Dec 21.) 

 If someone wanted to get into serial fiction, what advice would you give them? 

Well, definitely stay off of Vella. Amazon is evil, but beyond that – if you go through Vella you give Amazon control of your writing and audience. Don't give evil people control of you or your career. You need to know yourself as a writer – how fast do you write, how often, and how quickly do you edit? It does no good to commit to writing three episodes a week if you can't reliably write more than one. Think about what audience you are writing for. I know, I know, trite advice. But here, we're coming from a different direction. Remember what I said before about how I know folks who don't have time to read, so I stuck with short episodes? I went with a newsletter format for the same reason. Quick and easy reads in your inbox. I went with multiple stories running concurrently so new readers would always have a story they could jump into without a huge backlog. What are the reading habits of your audience? Do they want to curl up with a long chapter each week? Do you think they care how consistently you update? (Long-term fanfic readers won't care about consistency, mainstream readers probably will.) Will they prefer to read on a website? Email? App? "Fast, Good, and Cheap, pick two" is the business maxim. I think the serial equivalent is "Frequent, Good, and Word Count." You can post good stories frequently. You can post high word counts frequently. You can write good stories with a high word count per episode. But posting good, high-word-count episodes frequently? Not so much. Put your writing habits and audience together, and pick two. I picked frequent (twice a week) and good. I know of folks doing serials that only post once a month, but when they post, it's a lot at once. You can do whatever works for you – but unless you are a full-time writer, you can't do all three. 

Can you tell us more about some of your favorite stories you've written, and why you decided to write them? 

Oh geez, I have to pick? Tell you what, let's talk about the 2023 schedule instead of making me pick between my babies. I've got 4 stories I'll be posting in 2023. The Bargain and Planting Life in a Dying City are two of my older stories. I started them both as novels and actually published the Bargain. (Please don't buy the ebook, it wasn't properly edited, and I'm embarrassed. The publisher is supposed to pull it soon.) The Bargain – so, I'm aro-ace, though I didn't even know the words when I started writing this one. I'm also kinky. The Bargain began as me writing the kind of kink story I wanted to read. It's got heavy queer platonic/chosen family vibes and focuses on the bond between people in a power exchange relationship. With fae, magic, a bit of court intrigue, self-discovery, and a few other things. Planting Life is a world-building project that spawned a story. Hopefully several stories. The original idea was 'how would tech and society have developed if magic existed as a kind of natural force.' So, of course, I had to define my magic, build my world, etc. Planting Life is set in a Bronze age society before anyone has learned to control magic. In fact, magic barely exists in the story. Instead, the story is about a group of traumatized individuals creating a new family and a new start in a stagnating society. But there will be spin-offs and sequels. The next story will focus on an Archimedes-like character who is one of the first to begin understanding and harnessing magic. Last Lady of Lună is my newest story and grew out of my finally understanding and accepting that I am aromantic. I just don't understand WTF romance is and that comes out in my writing. See, I write a lot of love stories, but while they meet the technical criteria for romance stories (stories about love and relationships with an HFN or HEA ending), they don't register as romance with a lot of people. So… I challenged myself. I love romance stories, especially paranormal romance stories. Last Lady of Luna is me making a conscious effort to write a why choose romance story. It's about a vampire and the humans who agree to be her companions, food, protectors, and (eventually) lovers. Slow burn, but I'm told that so far I'm nailing the burn. Mighty Hero Force Epsilon started as a dream. Literally. There's this one scene, about halfway through the first season, where the Big Bad's lieutenant– anyway, yeah. So I dreamed that scene. And when you read the scene, you'll understand why I had to figure out what happened after. Which meant I had to figure out what came before. Which is how we got here. Folks familiar with the genre will recognize it as a sentai story (think Power Rangers if you aren't familiar with anime). 

When it comes to writing serial fiction, finding a place to host it can be a challenge. Why did you decide on using Substack, and what advice can you give others who want to check out that platform for themselves? 

I went with Substack because it's a good newsletter platform. It doesn't make me pay to have a subscription set up when I have less than 50 subscribers and allows 'adult content'. I'm looking at alternatives because the navigation is a pain. (New readers should start on the website to get caught up.) And I'm hearing things about the folks running it being transphobic. Turns out my web host, Dreamhost, has built-in newsletter functionality now. So that's a thing I'm looking at. But yeah, finding hosting can be a challenge, which is why I'm still here. Just… try not to stress the stats. I've had days where Substack told me I had 0 views, 1 like, and 1 comment. I've had it tell me that I had a like from a subscriber who supposedly has never opened a single email. You should never take numbers (other than number of subscribers) too seriously if you can help it – you never know how they're calculated. But extra don't take Substack numbers seriously. 

Part 2 to follow!

[phantom-does-a-thing]

admittedly idk anything about slaughterhouse five apart from what you’ve just posted but I am interested to hear if u have any ideas for what bitb in that style would look like?

PHANTOM IS LITERALLY THIS RN AS WE SPEAK

ok listen ok ok ok. Slaughterhouse five is a war novel about wwii and it's told through a series of moments out of chronological order in a meaningful way that keeps jumping back and forth enough that you don't have a solid timeline of what's going on. It tells the story of Billy's life and his experience in the war but everything is jumbled out of order as Billy gets stuck and unstuck in time. And I think that would fit with BITB so well.

I don't know who it would follow, my thought would be Rand although I think there could be some really interesting stuff for Rolan. But Rand is my target here, he is my billy pilgrim in this situation. What's interesing about slaughterhouse five that I just noticed is that while everything is out of order and jumbled, The bombing of dresden and the experiences getting captured in wwii is the ONLY thing that is told in chronological order. It is cut up into pieces and sandwiched between other moments in Billy's life. Everything else is out of order and just smushed together, but the main narrative is still in chronological order which while there are still bits that jump between past and future, it leads the reader to believe that the present is supposed to be wwii. And that's what it would be for Galloway.

The stuff that happened in Galloway would be the main timeline, the main focus, the main plot. It would be the only thing told in chronological order but broken up enough that it doesn't really feel like it's that way, snippets of things from the past and the future keep coming back and forth to fill in the gaps. But as well, there's a thing in Slaughterhouse Five where "so it goes" where everything bad that happens is treated apathetically because there's an idea that comes up later in the book that even if someone dies, they're still alive in memories and for the Tralfamadorians time is stacked on top of each other, it's not linear. Everything that happens has happened and is going to happen, and has to happen. It's the entire notion of doomed by the narrative before doomed by the narrative was a THING.

This person is supposed to die, but they are still alive in the past, and since the past is happening at the same time, they aren't really dead. And that's what it would be like with what happens at Galloway. Everything is told in a way that makes no sense, but looking at it all together it would be... not understandable... but it would idk it would make a meaningful world.

"There are no telegrams on Tralfamadore. But you're right: each clump of symbols is a brief, urgent message—describing a situation, a scene. We Tralfamadorians read them all at once, not one after the other. There isn't any particular relationship between all the messages, except that the author has chosen them carefully, so that, when seen all at once, they produce an image of life that is beautiful and surprising and deep. There is no beginning, no middle, no end, no suspense, no moral, no cause, no effects. What we love in our books are the depths of many marvelous moments seen all at one time."

That's the central idea, the story being told all together, no beginning middle and end, but everything happening at once with the knowledge of what is going to come.

[kxlinthesky]

EPISODE 5 LIGHT NOVEL Chapter 4-6 English Translation

A child’s silhouette floated out of the blinding white overtaking Owl’s vision.

He thought they were a girl for a split second based on their slender body, but soon enough the blurry figure started to come into focus, and when he saw their face he realized they were a boy, with silvery hair hanging down to his shoulders. He smiled at Owl. “Oh, so you came, too,” he said.

Words automatically fell from Owl’s lips. “You shouldn’t sneak out like that.”

If the boy felt ashamed at all, he certainly didn’t show it. “But I’m looking for something. I saw a green light go shooting off that way.” He pointed off in one direction.

“What light?”

“Good question. But I’m glad you’re here – I was thinking about going over there. Come with me. And stay close. You get lost super-easy, after all.” The silver-haired boy grabbed Owl’s exceedingly thin wrist.

The sight didn’t surprise him. He understood that in that moment, he’d become a child again.

The world was inhumanly white as far as the eye could see. Nothing existed except the two of them. Or at least, that was how it was supposed to be. Something was different here.

 “See, look.” The silver-haired boy pointed off into the distance, at some kind of structure topped by several antennae like some kind of brass instrument. The sky above it glittered with a dazzling array of multicolored lights flashing like jewels. In their midst, a phantom image of an upside-down city and several violet transmutation circles shone like stars.

Owl stared in dumbfounded shock. He’d never seen anything like this before. “Amazing.... Wait, what’s that?”

“It’s an upside-down city!” The boy pointed up at the sky. “Hey, let’s go there together. It’ll be fun.”

But Owl pulled on the boy’s hand to stop him. “We can’t. We have to be good and wait for ‘the time’ to come.”

“But that’s boring. I’ve always wanted to go to that city.”

“They’ll get mad at us. Once the ‘vessel’ comes, we’ll become one and we’ll have an important job to do. We have to wait until then.”

“How long do we have to wait, though? I’m sick of waiting.”

“But you still have stuff you need to study. You should at least learn to do this much.” Owl traced his finger in midair. Sparkling golden letters trailed after his fingertip, and soon they swirled into a glowing ring. A tiny sun sparked and popped in the heart of the circle.

The boy’s cheeks puffed out indignantly. “Don’t make it sound so easy. That’s really hard and you know it.” He traced his finger in the air, too, but his words were crooked and warped. Unable to draw a decent circle, the words scattered and faded away. He grumbled under his breath.

“There’s just no helping you –” Owl was about to say the boy’s name, but he cut himself off. “Huh?”

He glanced up. Something in the sky had changed. At the same time, he heard a voice from behind him. One person – two people – no, a whole chorus, all of them shouting at the top of their lungs. It sounded like they were saying names.

“Are they calling us?... Do you think the attendants came after us?” They strained their ears in that direction.

A massive green light suddenly gleamed overhead. “Oh, that’s the light I saw just now,” said the boy. “Hey, look in the middle of the light... is that... a person? Who is it?”

“Huh?”

The light emitted an ear-splitting ringing sound as it approached the pair, speeding toward them at such a breakneck pace that their breaths caught in surprise.

 Then their vision went black.

Around them, black... wings, or something, blocked their view.

They didn’t even have time to reach out and touch the soft, fluffy feathers before large hands grabbed their thin arms and hoisted them up.

 “... You don’t have wings. Are you children of man? Why are children of man here...!” A man’s voice, trembling with rage, spoke on the other side of the inky feathers. It had to be the person holding Owl. “Those bastards, what are they planning?”

Far in the distance, other voices jumbled together.

“After them!”

“Check whether the fallen one helped them escape!”

“Recover the catalysts posthaste! Eliminate all rebels!”

 Just as Owl started to wonder what that was all about, the man holding him suddenly dropped. He’d jumped off.

 Jumped off? But from where? It almost feels like we’re falling from the sky....

 For the first time in his life, Owl experienced the sensation of falling. He shivered.

 SCARY!

 The black feathers before his eyes suddenly closed in. They were trying to surround him.

But his fingers refused to listen, and he lost his grip, letting go of the black wings –

   “OWL!!!”

“?!”

Owl’s eyes jolted open.

 And a red robe slipped from his grasp.

 ■■■■■■■■■■

 He was at the lip of the volcano.

All the strength in his body fled him as he watched Ellie’s body below him plummeting into the maw of roiling violet miasma.

Despair roiled in his gut. He’d fallen into a daydream, now of all times.

He couldn’t protect her.

Again.

Once again, he’d failed to grab that tiny hand.

In one moment, he saw her slipping through his grasp at the chapel. In the next, he saw her falling past him, down, down, down into the volcano.

 Anguish. Self-loathing. Overwhelming numbness. Loss. It was all over.

His heart refused to beat. His brain refused to think.

He’d clung so desperately to these faint sparks of hope, only for them to burn away into nothing like mist in sunlight.

Somewhere in the back of his frozen mind, he knew that this was the end.

 “Ellie...” he croaked, no louder than a whisper.

 Mastema’s eyes glowed with delight at the sound.

“AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

His booming laughter proclaimed louder than words that there was no greater joy than this. He doubled over, his wings spread wide, positively trembling with glee.

“AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

It was ending.

Finally, everything was ending, and everything was beginning.

“I have carried everything through!” Mastema’s gaze turned heavenward, filled with accomplishment. A gaze, glistening with unshed tears, focused squarely upon his master. “Ahh...!! Have I pleased you...?! My Lord! Our Father!!”

Mastema raised his hands to the darkened sky, his voice awash in ecstasy. He had been waiting in perpetuity. He was tired of waiting – waiting for his time to be praised and return to the kingdom of Heaven. The thought of what faces the tiny creatures he’d trampled over to reach this point were making no longer crossed his mind.

 “Open the gates! The time for my triumphant return has come!!”

 And he waited for the dark clouds to part and the shining staircase to descend.

 But above him, a chilling voice rang out.

 “Shoot him down, Daybreak Moon!!”

“—Huh?”

What descended from the heavens with an earsplitting screech was not a staircase.

 It was a blinding white arrow.

Or, not an arrow, but a beam of light that fired off like an arrow, flying out of the invisible daytime moon. It was, in fact, the one and only arrow to take an angel down.

 The beam shot straight and true, piercing Mastema through the chest before he realized what was happening, before he could even blink. His eyes tracked the white feathers suddenly scattering around him with blank detachment, as if he were watching it happen to a stranger instead. Then, with a wobble, he tumbled from the sky without a word.

 “Wha...?”

 Owl and the others couldn’t even hope to see what had just happened. If they had, no doubt they would have been captivated by all the magnificent, overlapping wings that pierced straight through Mastema before transforming into a ray of light that shot straight down.

 In the depths of the volcano, the transmutation circle emitting such blinding violet light expanded, as if preparing to catch the falling girl. Interestingly enough, it looked remarkably similar to the crest on the church.

Without a sound, the girl’s robe brushed against the circle... or so they thought.

But in the space of a second, she vanished.

It almost looked as though the spell had swallowed her whole, but that wasn’t the case.

 “Why are you here...?!”

Only Mastema saw what happened. As he fell from the sky, feathers scattering all around him, he pressed a hand to the gouge in his chest and glared daggers up at the sky above the volcano, where there hovered... a vague blob. Its numerous black wings overlapped and encircled itself, forming a sort of egg shape.

Mastema’s teeth ground together. The screech that tore from his throat was bestial in its fury. “How DARE you! You accursed fallen angeeel!!! To thwart me not just once but twice...!! How many times must you stand in His way before you’re satisfied, you cursed winged creature?!”

The shape above him twitched. A voice spoke from within the wings. “... As many times as I have to.”

“Wretched pest...!”

Mastema continued to drop like a stone – at the rate he was falling, he was going to slam into the volcano itself....

Until another voice screamed. “My Lord!”

The earth thundered and shook as a massive beast came barreling up the slope. It was a giant dog, but not just any dog – its eyes burned scarlet, and it was somehow capable of speech. It caught Mastema on its back and whirled to face Owl, its huge fangs bared. “Impertinent detective!!” it growled.

But Owl simply raised his gun, and the dog flinched back and kicked away, fleeing down the mountainside.

Owl recognized that dog. “You – are you Low?!”

The dog gave no response. In an instant, beast and angel had both vanished from sight before Owl could even think to chase after them. But the detective snapped back to attention in a flash, casting them aside in favor of turning his attention back to the lip of the volcano.

 Specifically, to the black winged shape hovering overhead. The black winged shape whose wings were starting to unfurl, one wing at a time, like the petals of a dark flower. One, then two, then the rest, until all twelve splendid wings flared open, white at the roots and darkening to black toward the wingtips. And there, standing in their center as all six pairs finally opened, stood a man, with dark skin and long hair.

Everyone stood stock-still, struck dumb by his sudden appearance. But they all instantly understood that he had saved Ellie.

At the same time, they noticed that the pillar of light and the wind had both died down as well. The island had become tranquil once more, as if the world itself had completely shifted on its axis.

On top of that, Owl heard a whisper. “... Why....”

At the same time, the hand propping Owl up fell away, and the ice around his feet began to crack all at once. He yelped as the glacial road began to fall apart, and he nearly fell over completely as he lost his balance, but he somehow managed to slide down and land on the ground below. “Hude Lou?!” he called, glancing around.

But in the split second he’d let his guard down, the thief had vanished without a trace.

“Damn it...!” Hude Lou had slipped through his fingers again. Bitterness welled in his gut, but the curse that slipped from his lips had more to do with how he hadn’t gotten to ask more about Hude Lou’s final words than him getting away. It was odd, hearing the usually unflappable thief’s voice so full of confusion.

Owl stood motionless, gazing in the direction where Hude Lou had vanished, when Tristan piped up by his side, “So is this your true form, then?”

He wasn’t speaking to Owl, but to the person alighted atop the crater. Owl turned his gaze upward as well.

“....” The man didn’t say a word.

Owl knew that man. He knew that man very well indeed. It was the face of the landlord who came by day in and day out to nag him about his rent, the man who happily treated him to meals every day, the bartender who just the other day had so proudly shown off the new tart he’d made.

 “... Byron?”

Yes, the man before them looked identical to the man who ran the pub over which Owl’s detective agency sat. The only difference was that the man Owl knew didn’t have a multitude of black wings sprouting from his back.

 Black wings.

 Memories burned steadily in the back of Owl’s mind.

 “Are you... Possessed?” More questions bubbled in the back of Owl’s throat – Possessed? Or an angel? What’s with all the wings? – but as he opened his mouth –

“Sorry, but I’m in a rush,” said the black winged man in an oh-so-familiar voice. “Save the girl.” He gently laid Ellie down on the ground.

Owl took one look at her limp, unconscious form and knew he couldn’t waste time on the confusion burning under his skin. “Ellie!” he called as he dashed up.

At the same time, the black winged man spread his many wings wide and took off into the sky far beyond the crater.

“Byron?!” Owl yelled. “Where are you going?!”

“... I’ll tell you everything when this is over,” was all the man said in reply before he sped off and vanished past the horizon, leaving only a single trail of light behind.

“Oi! Byron!!”

Tristan watched the figure disappear from view off in the distance and murmured, “... He sure is something, running from me of all people.”

  “Ellie! Oi, Ellie!... Tristan! Ellie won’t wake up!”

Owl kneeled by Ellie and lightly patted her tiny cheek, calling out to her, but she remained still, silent. She appeared to be breathing, but she was fully unconscious and didn’t seem inclined to wake up anytime soon.

The detective gathered the girl in his arms and looked up at Tristan, who checked her pulse. “Calm down,” he said. “... Her temperature is abnormally low. Mastema’s ritual just now may be why, or perhaps something happened to her on the way here.”

“Something like what?”

“I wouldn’t know, and the two angels who might are both gone.” Tristan tried to activate his power once... but he quickly stopped. “My magic won’t be enough to examine her properly, nor would any medical equipment.” Everyone’s magic had long since dried up, in fact, thanks to everything they’d done up till now. “We should leave the island for now. We don’t know if something else might happen around here.”

Tristan glanced up at Ralph, which was all the first-rate butler needed to nod with a hand placed over his chest. “Understood. I will go prepare the boat for departure right away.” With that, he began to descend the mountainside.

“I’ll go with you, Ralph.” Clemens went after him.

“Thank you very much.” The two continued down the mountain for a moment. Presently, Ralph asked, “Are you... quite all right, Sir Clemens?”

“What do you mean? I’m not particularly hurt.”

“No, I just thought you looked a touch unwell. Are you concerned about Sir Byron?”

Clemens remained silent at that.

“That... was Sir Byron, was it not?”

The usual Clemens would try to play dumb, but this was anything but usual. The words he meant to say stuck in his throat. Everyone had already seen the form Byron had taken; of course they figured it out.

Ralph continued, “I was rather surprised by his appearance as well.”

“... Understandable. I found myself dumbstruck the first time I witnessed it as well.”

“So you knew, then? That Sir Byron... well....”

“Hm?”

“Ah, no, pardon me. I, well... I struggle to call Sir Byron’s form ‘Possession’ in the same sense as ours.”

“… You believe it was something else?”

“I do.”

“That’s also understandable, and you aren’t wrong, but it’s not my place to tell.... You’ll understand someday.” Clemens’ expression darkened ever so slightly.

Ralph’s eyebrows drew together as well. “I apologize for prying – I know it’s not my place, as a mere butler. Ever since we set foot on this island, I’ve felt a strange power, one I’ve never felt before... though I may simply be shaken by everything that’s happened. I apologize.”

“You have nothing to apologize for.”

“Where do you suppose Sir Byron went? I’m rather worried.”

“... Agreed.”

The pair looked up at the sky from within the grove of trees, their eyes searching the horizon where those black wings had vanished. Clemens’ brows were deeply furrowed. He quashed the words bubbling in the back of his throat, begging for release. That fool. What does he think he can accomplish all on his own? Aloud, he murmured to himself, “He stopped me because he didn’t want to be alone, and now he won’t offer me the same courtesy for him?”

“Huh?” Ralph glanced back at him.

Clemens visibly came to some sort of decision. “Ralph, I’ll be splitting off after we leave the island.”

“Will you be going after one of them?”

“Yeah. Until Ellie wakes up, I’ll be leaving the others to you. Tristan and Owl must have consumed a lot of their magic. They’ll be relying on you.”

“... Understood.” Ralph didn’t inquire over Clemens’ stubborn frown. He simply nodded.

 The two ran for a while, and eventually broke through the tree line and reached the ocean, where they saw Tristan’s boat swaying on the waves all by its lonesome near the beach. It seemed to have escaped unscathed, and the sea was calm; they would have no trouble getting off the island.

 -- But the sea was endlessly deep and endlessly dark.

 The water was the color of lead.

So was the sky, and the land on the horizon.

And so were the hearts of everyone on Teos.

Everyone. Everything. Endlessly dark.

 With a fervent prayer for the dark clouds to break as soon as possible, Ralph sprinted for the ship.

 ■■■■■■■■■■

 Sometime after the events on Teos....

 “Ooowl!~ I got lunch!” The door banged open, and in strolled Nick with a wooden tray. He twirled it once before holding it over his head. “Question! What kind of sandwich do you think it is today?”

Before him sat Owl on the sofa bed, who closed the book in his hand with a snap and glanced up at Nick. “Ham, egg, and cucumber,” he answered.

“Correct! As expected of Owl!” gushed Nick. The detective had solved the question flawlessly, as per usual.

Owl tapped his mouth. “There’s egg on your face,” he told his partner.

“Ah, whoops.”

“Were you even trying to get me to actually deduce something?”

“Yeah!” Nick stuck his tongue out to lick off the pieces of egg clinging to the corners of his mouth, then stepped up to Owl with a bright smile. “Still not awake yet?” he asked, peeking at the sofa bed where Ellie lay sleeping, completely dead to the world.

Ever since Mastema had abducted her, she refused to wake. No one knew why. After they all returned from the island, Tristan and doctors from the Frost family examined her, but none of them found anything amiss.... It was, of course, entirely possible that there were differences between humans and homunculi when it came to their health, but in human terms, at least, Ellie was perfectly healthy – so healthy, in fact, that it was unthinkable that she’d been born via human transmutation....

And that was where Owl slapped his cheeks to stop that particular train of thought. He couldn’t afford to be pessimistic now. For now, finding a way to rouse Ellie was more important. He stuffed a sandwich in his mouth and snapped his fingers, producing a white transmutation circle that hovered above the girl and slowly began to rotate in midair. The white light shrouded her body and began to warm.

As he watched the light, Nick’s eyes fell half-shut. “Looking at the light makes me feel all warm and sleepy....”

“Because it’s a healing technique. It’s supposed to make you feel relaxed, among other things.”

“Will this really wake Ellie up? ‘Cause it feels like it’d just make her more sleepy.~~”

“Can’t say, but it’s at least worth a try.”

“’Kay.” Bathed in the effects of the technique, Nick’s jaws split in a giant yawn. He rubbed at his eyes, his gaze sliding to Owl’s hands – specifically, the gloves he was wearing. “Yeah, I’m still not used to those.”

Owl usually wore gloves, but his were brown leather, whereas the gloves currently on his hands were white, with a transmutation circle embroidered on the backs.

“You’ve been using those a lot since you got back,” commented Nick. He sensed something from them. “Did you buy ‘em somewhere?”

“No. They were lent to me, that’s all.”

“They were lent?”

“By a doctor friend.”

“Huh? Since when did you have a doctor friend?”

“I met him at the McCreech estate. He’s a good guy.”

Nick’s eyebrow twitched at that. “Is that so?”

“This really is an incredible alchemical tool. The next head of the family, Eliza McCreech, poured her heart into making these for her beloved husband. The healthcare system’s alchemical techniques are famously complex, but these gloves have a higher degree of precision than any of them, perfectly suited for doctors. Jack graciously let me borrow this precious tool of his.”

“Jack?”

“Yeah, that’s his name.... He helped me out a lot.”

“... Hmmm?~ It’s not often I see you so interested in someone, Owl.” Nick formed a circle with his thumb and pointer finger in front of his eye. It was his “Scope” pose. “We were only apart for juuust a bit, and you went and solved all kinds of cases and made a friend?” The informant somehow didn’t seem all that enthused.

“Oi, don’t be rude. Even I have friends....”

“Wait a sec, isn’t that cheating? Owl cheated on me!~”

Owl jerked in surprise. “Wha – cheating?”

“Yeah, cheating!” Nick shouted. His dissatisfaction was now on full display. “I’m your partner, aren’t I?! So how come you’re cozying up with other people when I’m not around? I heard you were getting along with Father Clemens during the whole train case, and you even teamed up with Hude Lou! This is a total betrayal of your agency partner! Right, Brat?!” Nick turned to the window looking for an agreement, which came in the form of an indifferent meow from a black cat sprawled nearby. “See!” he crowed. “Brat thinks so, too!”

“What’s with that? Where’d you get such blatantly false information?”

“I’m not telling you anything!” Nick bared his teeth peevishly.

Owl tilted his head. Speaking of, Hude Lou said something similar the other day... but he kept that particular recollection to himself. “It’s not like I could help it, okay? Don’t worry, Nick. You’re my partner, no one else.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.”

“And you don’t have any other partner you rely on more than me?”

“I don’t.”

“Mm-hmm.~ Well, as long as you understand!”

“... You just love ribbing me for every little thing, don’t you.”

“Guilty! But I really will be mad if you don’t take me with you on your next case!”

“I know, don’t worry.”

“Ahh, man, I really need to finish up that case with Ritz or Owl’s gonna cheat on me agaaain.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Owl’s expression softened just a touch for the first time since Nick entered the room. And just then –

 “Did someone say cheating?! As an officer of the law, I will not abide any dangers to womankind!”

The door flew open with a tremendous BANG! Nick jumped at the sound, and the circle in Owl’s hand crumbled to nothing.

A single woman stepped smartly through the entryway. “I will arrest any adulterous men!” she proclaimed. It was Ritz, the officer from the auction case who’d since become a familiar face around the agency. Handcuffs in hand, she glanced around the room, her eyes roving from Owl to Nick to the sleeping Ellie. “Where is the scoundrel, then?”

Nick rushed to explain. “N-No, there’s no one like that here!”

“I see. Well, that’s all well and good, then....” Ritz lowered the handcuffs. “I’ve been hearing all these selfish things lately, so I reacted accordingly. Should you come across a case like that, I offer my full assistance. Miscreants who would make innocent women cry without cause must receive proper punishment under the law.”

“... Punishment...?” Owl unconsciously pulled back, then shook himself mentally. He had no reason to be afraid. “... So, what brings you here, Ritz?”

Ritz straightened, looking more like a proper officer of the law. “I have a report on the case.” But then her shoulders slumped and she raised her hands in defeat. “... Is what I’d like to say, but progress has been slow, I’m afraid. Today, I’ve come to visit Ellie.”

She held out a paper bag. A sweet smell wafted from the gift. Nick accepted it and opened the top to reveal cookies from a nearby bakery, which he placed on a side table by the sofa bed.

Ritz’s eyes fell on Ellie. Her mouth turned in a forlorn frown. “I see she still has yet to wake. Though I suppose it’s no surprise – after being abducted by a strange man, the shock would confine anyone to their bed.”

“... I guess.” Owl had given Ritz a watered-down version of events, omitting the fact that the strange man had been an honest-to-goodness angel.

Ritz sighed. “I feel so awful for her.” She carefully brushed Ellie’s bangs away from her cheeks, then turned to Owl. She opened her mouth, prepared to question the detective about how he could’ve let this happen when she was with him.

“I’m pretty sure Owl’s told himself whatever you’re about to say a million times already, so don’t even bother,” Nick interjected.

Ritz shut her mouth again.

“You really think he doesn’t blame himself?” Nick continued. “He loves Ellie more than anyone. ‘Sides, I’m the one who made him take Ellie along this time, ‘cause I knew how bad she wanted to help him out. I told him to take her since I couldn’t go, even though he didn’t want to ‘cause it was going to be ‘dangerous.’”

Ritz shrunk in on herself a little. “I apologize... I didn’t realize,” she said awkwardly.

“Well, you do now. I’m the one at fault for being selfish, so if you’re gonna blame anyone, blame me.”

“No, if that’s the case, then the one to blame would be me, since I was the reason you were unable to go in the first place. If I hadn’t asked for your assistance on that investigation....”

“Oh, yeah! You’re at fault, too! If I’d been there I’d’ve taken down that kidnapper like that. It woulda been a piece of pie!”

“Wait a...! Sh-Shouldn’t you be saying something like ‘no, of course it wasn’t your fault?’”

“Should I?”

“Yes, you should! And you helped me on that case as well, instead of helping them, so in that sense, you also share responsibility, don’t you?!”

The two passed the blame back and forth rapid fire like a hot potato. Owl did sort of want to see where it went, but he clapped his hands and stood.” “All right, that’s enough,” he said. “We’re going to catch the culprit, no matter who it is... angel, Demon, or anything in between, we’ll hunt him down and give him the punishment he deserves. I promise you that.”

He let go of the medical textbook he was holding, allowing it to fall to the table... until it shot off to the desk beyond and inserted itself into a bookstand.

Ritz’s eyes widened at the sight of Owl, of all people, putting his books away properly. She glanced around the room. “Your office seems rather tidy today,” she commented.

Indeed, the agency, usually a chaotic mess of packages and books and clothes and whatnot, was sparkling clean today. The clothes were in the closet where they belonged. The floor was free of discarded newspapers and shoes. Every last book was either on a bookshelf or a stand. There were still some alchemical tools piled up in the corner, but for the most part, “tidy” was the correct word.

“I see the sofa has been moved as well,” Ritz continued. “Did you perhaps redecorate?”

“Not really,” Owl replied.

At the same time, Nick stage whispered, “We’re letting Ellie sleep in the office during the day, so we cleaned up. The sofa’s in a sunny spot so it’s really warm. It has the Brat Seal of Approval and everything!”

Brat meowed from his spot by the window, then got up and moved over to the sofa bed to curl up by Ellie’s face.

“... I see. So it was for Ellie.” A smile rose to Ritz’s face. The adoration everyone felt for the sleeping girl was palpable.

“Oh, and by the way, it’s been my job to do her hair every day! Today’s look is a three-strand braid. Super cute, right?”

Ritz’s eyes fell to Ellie’s hair. “Oh, you’re right. It really does look lovely on her,” she said. She wasn’t just trying to be nice, either – she was honestly impressed.

“Right? Riiight?!~~~ I have the best taste!” Nick threw out his chest with a self-important hmph!

“Well, Ellie looks adorable no matter what her hair looks like.”

Ritz and Nick yelped in unison and twisted around at the new voice behind them to see a young woman in a nun’s habit standing there. The new arrival peered down at Ellie’s sleeping face and said with a smile, “I would have added a nice big ribbon, myself. A super lacy one would really bring out Ellie’s natural cuteness – oh, she’d look divine.”

“Miss Elnora?!” gasped Ritz. “You startled me!”

“Geez!~~” huffed Nick. “Don’t sneak up on us like that! When’d you even get here?!”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to,” chuckled Elnora, her shoulders shaking ever so slightly. Her eyes narrowed meaningfully as she continued, “I just didn’t really want to get in the way of you two being so friendly with each other.”

Before either of them could respond, Owl jumped in. “I see you made it back, Elnora.”

Elnora tossed him a captivating glance. “Yes, I arrived yesterday. I heard you all got yourselves in quite the predicament. Clemens told me the gist.”

“Clemens did? He’s back, too? Where is he?” Clemens had vanished after leaving the island, and Owl hadn’t seen hide or hair of him since.

Elnora shook her head and shrugged. “Not a clue. He and I came back to the church around the same time, but he took off like a shot right after.”

“... I see.”

“Is Byron not back yet, either?”

“Nope.”

“Hm....”

“Do you know anything? About Clemens or... Byron.”

Elnora’s expression turned grim for a split second. “I don’t,” she replied. “I have no interest in friendships between men. So stuffy and so not cute.” She was equally indifferent to anything that didn’t catch her fancy. She was probably telling the truth. Owl nodded.

He felt it more strongly now than before, but it seemed Clemens and Byron had a deep enough relationship that they didn’t even need to speak to understand each other. Owl even began to consider that the latter seemed to be related in some way to when and how Clemens became a Demon....

“Oh, by the way, about Cain –”

Owl’s head whipped up at the name.

“I got him to fess up to as much as I could, just like you asked.” Elnora lifted her chin, a proud smirk on her face. “Do you want to hear what I learned?”

“Obviously. Let me hear it.”

“Oh, absolutely. But first, I’d love some delicious tea.” Her gaze flicked to Nick.

“You got it. I’ll make the tea, but we don’t have any of Byron’s cakes to go with it, just so you know. Ritz, come help me with it.” Nick turned and left the room, followed by Ritz, the pair heading down the stairs to the kitchen in the pub below.

Once they were gone, Owl turned his full attention to Elnora. “Did he confess, then?”

“Oh, yes. All I had to do was step on him a bit with some pin heels and he sang like a bird. He told me all about how he met Mastema, the ingredients in that poison he used, how many times he received it... and about the treasured books he stole from his father. There was some stuff he didn’t want to tell me at first, but he was more than happy to spill his guts after I gave him a healthy dose of the riding crop.”

Owl gasped. “The poison.... Did he say anything about what effects the poison he gave me had?”

“What – ah, right, you said he gave you cursed poison from his ring when you shook his hand, right? What about it, are you still feeling sick?”

“No, Tristan already took care of it. I was wondering if he said anything about administering anything else to me?”

“No. He only ever poisoned his father, his brother Arby, and his niece Eliza. He said he was quite particular about that. If he’d given any to Anastasia, too, I would’ve had half a mind to rip him in half.”

“... Rip... in half.... I see.” Sounded like he knew where Ritz got the idea from, then, based on her earlier proclamation. Exasperation welled up in Owl’s gut.

“Is something wrong, then? Do you remember taking any other poison?”

“I wouldn’t say that, but I’ve been having a lot of flashbacks lately. My memories... it’s like they’re all coming back to me crystal clear all at once, or something. And not just from my childhood, from even before that, too, the parts I could never remember.... I thought that maybe Cain gave me something that was affecting my mind.”

“Are you feeling ill?”

“No, there’s nothing wrong with me physically. I might just be thinking about too much too hard. If my lost memories are starting to come back, I should be happy, if anything.”

He’d wished for that very thing, in fact, for many long years. Perhaps all the flashbacks he’d had on Teos had the side effect of clearing up some of his amnesia, too.

 The boy in white.

The strange city floating in the sky. The green light.

And what had suddenly appeared... that was....

 Even after they’d come back from the island, the fragments of memory continued to smolder away in his brain.

 “More things for me to look into, I guess....”

“If you have more questions, I can go question Cain again, if you want?” offered Elnora. “He’s turned into quite the obedient little puppy dog, now; if I ask, he’ll answer for sure.”

“Puppy dog....”

“Not a cute one, though.”

“... Ahh, no, it’s fine. If I need anything else, I’ll ask. More importantly, there’s something else I want you to look into.”

“And what might that be?”

“The Ovis Aries Orphanage.”

“An orphanage?”

Owl nodded. “It’s the place I used to live, and I want to know more about the other kids who lived there. It was run by the church, so there might be some records left of the kids who were there at the time if you look.”

“Couldn’t you just go yourself, since you lived there?”

“The night before Tristan took me in, the building was completely destroyed in a fire, so no.”

“A fire?”

“It’s possible that the mass Demonization of kids that occurred that night was deliberate.”

“The what?”

“It was an awful fire. I escaped by running into the forest – that’s where Tristan found me. He told me later that he went back to investigate and found the kids’ bodies, but several of them were missing. No one knows where they ended up.” Owl’s gaze lowered, his mouth twisted in a pained frown. “I’d hoped that they’d all gotten away and ended up somewhere safe... but apparently that wasn’t the case.”

“... Do you think it’ll solve anything, looking into it?” Elnora asked.

“It might lead to nothing... but I can’t not know what happened to them.”

“What does that even mean? I don’t get you.” Elnora sighed, but she acquiesced. “All right, all right, I’ll take a look for you. The church would’ve taken in bodies that burned up in the fire. I can kill some time and lend you a hand.”

“Thanks, that helps. Nick’s hands are full today, so every little bit helps.”

“It’s fine. I got a wonderful present out of all of this, anyway.”

“A present?”

“Yup, from Lord Arby! A brand-new top-of-the-line riding crop, as expected from the McCreeches. That family had so many nice whips lying around, and he made me a nice little ‘tool’ just for me. I can’t wait to break it in.” Elnora made a few whipping motions for emphasis, a lovely smile spreading across her beautiful face.

Owl’s shoulders slumped. “... I am begging you to never use that in front of Ritz or Ellie.”

 Nick eavesdropped on their conversation from halfway up the stairs, peeking through a crack in the door. “Stepping on someone, using a whip, Elnora’s got some interesting ways of getting info, huh... hey, c’mon, Ritz, what’re you spacing out for? You were super mad when you got here, too... did something happen?”

“... Ah, no, I apologize. I was just thinking about something.”

“Really? You know, I had a feeling when you came by last time, too, but you’ve been a little off lately, don’t you think? You can tell me if something’s up.~ ‘If something’s troubling you, leave it to Owl’s Detective Agency,’ and all that jazz.”

Ritz’s eyes lowered as she descended the stairs.

“Let’s you and I have some tea, too. There’s still some of Byron’s snacks left.” Nick slipped into the kitchen and grabbed some cups from one of the shelves before setting the kettle on the stove. As he went to light the fire, Ritz raised her head at his side, her expression stiff as stone. But then Nick twitched. “... Hm?”

“Nick? Is something the matter?”

“Someone’s outside.” He’d noticed a tall shadow peering into the pub from through the windows. “Maybe it’s a customer?” Nick rushed up and opened the door for them. “Hey, sorry, lunch is over, we’re closed... huh?”

Any thoughts of telling whoever it was to come back for dinner died on his tongue, because there was no one there. Had he imagined it? Nick peered out at the street. Street traffic along the road outside was sparse. There was a shoe shiner with no shoes to shine, a boy peering through the window of a bakery, and a young college student reading a book as he walked along. Some neighborhood housewives were also engaging in some lively gossip.

“... Must’ve been imagining it.” Nick tilted his head and went to shut the door, only to find a small package left at his feet wrapped in oiled paper. The name on the package read, “To the dear folks of the Owl Detective Agency.” The paper rustled dryly as Nick picked it up. It was oddly heavy for its size.

 As the door swung shut, Nick’s voice could be faintly heard calling out to Owl, telling him he had a package.

 And as the door swung shut, the passing college student looked back, his eyes flicking up to the second floor of the pub.

To the window leading to the detective agency.

 He stared up quietly at the window, but suddenly he spoke in an inaudible whisper, “I wonder if he’ll like my present.... With this, you’re now a cog in the grand scheme of things, yourself.”

He twisted his wrist around in a tight, circular motion, as if he was holding up the ends of a cape.

 “Until we meet again... detective.”

 And like an actor closing his eyes at the end of a scene, he gave an elegant bow and departed.

   Clunk. Clunk. Clunk.

The gears turned. The noise wouldn’t stop. The gears wouldn’t stop.

The tiny cogs that first began to turn had at last started to rotate the connecting gears.

They interlocked, overlapped, and eventually revolved in a fate no one could have ever predicted.

 The gears spun like a tiny galaxy of interconnected worlds.

Slowly, yet surely.

 Their forgotten history.

Their intertwined destinies.

Their twisted existences.

 Peering into the keyhole of the door that would reveal the depths within,

 to try and see how the story had flipped on its head.

original written by Nagaya Kawaji here

[blckbrrybasket]

ᯓ★ 𝐆𝐚𝐳 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬

MDNI

SFW

- Gaz listens to Childish Gambino!

- Gaz LOVED scooby doo growing up and velma was his favorite.

- Gaz takes selfies or mirror pictures of himself but doesn’t send them to anyone. He keeps them as a confidence boost on his eyes only tab.

- Gaz LOVES reality TV. He can sit down and binge almost an entire season of some reality show. On leave when he isn’t catching up with people he’s catching up with what he missed on the bachelor.

- Gaz is an expert at finding out information and loves gossip if he isn’t the subject of it. Even if he is this man has so many comebacks stored up no one dares start a playful argument with him for fear of being ripped to shreds…except for Soap.

- Gaz likes to read and often shared recommendations with Ghost, they both like thrillers. Soap makes fun of them for it yet Gaz always shoots back with a variation of Soap not being able to read (Soap never learns and always goes to make a joke about it again)

- When Soap laughs at something immature Gaz tries to stand there like “🧍” and act mature, but the moment Soap lets out a hyena laugh/snorts or if Soap bumps into Gaz, Gaz loses it and starts laughing

- Gaz is the type of person to swat people or grab onto them when laughing really hard. He has almost peed himself when laughing.

SFW (serious)

- If Gaz has a dream where it feels like he’s falling he shoots out of bed and panics. It’s one of the bigger lasting effects of him having fallen out of two helicopters. He still gets phantom pains on his body sometimes, but the biggest one is from the trauma of his harness catching him cutting into him.

- Gaz is super in tune with his emotions and is quite open minded. He’s generally flexible, aside from plans changing last minute.

- Going off of that one of Gaz’s biggest pet peeves are plans changing at the last minute. He and Soap have had countless arguments over Soap changing stuff at the last second.

- Gaz has OCD, i’m not sure who started this headcanon but I completely agree with it. If you look at him closely you can see him swiping his hands over his pants once, twice, three times. If someone interrupts his compulsion he has to takes deep breaths before restarting. Consequently he’ll randomly go silent when talking if he has to focus on finishing a compulsion.

- Gaz is a mama’s boy and was raised how to treat women respectfully. He can go from having a great relationship with someone but the moment they something bad about women he will never like them again. He’s a proud feminist!

- Has a thing about towels. Gaz can’t use them more than once or twice because he can practically imagine all the germs that are on the fabric. Even if he is 100% clean coming out of the shower it doesn’t get rid of the thought.

NSFW

- Not vanilla, but not a huge freak.

- He’s usually up for trying something once to see if either of you like it. If not it’s no sweat off his back, at least he learned what you do and don’t like.

- There are lines he draws though. He doesn’t like anything that involve bodily fluids. Gaz prides himself on being a clean guy, but with his OCD (and kind of being a germaphobe) he can’t do it. As well as blood, to him he sees it enough on the battlefield, he wouldn’t want to see it on you. Gaz could only imagine if you were hurt.

- That’s not to say he doesn’t like a bit of man handling though. Gaz is a strong man and he knows it. His favorite thing to do is to drop you on the bed and watch you bounce back up. Trying to crawl to right yourself is a hard feat since he almost immediately pounces on you.

- He will 1000% hold your wrists above your head and while in your ear. Gaz says the dirtiest shit in bed. It comes naturally to him. He loves seeing you relax before his eyes at the sound of his voice alone.

- Wouldn’t be opposed to a threesome as long as they know you’re his partner and not theirs. He wouldn’t do it so he could have another person fawn over him. Gaz would do it to worship you. Once he’s in a relationship with you there only is you for him.

- Second easiest to get hard out of 141. If you push on his chest/shoulder/abdomen to get him to sit back down his blood will immediately flow south.

- Loves when you take what you want from him. Definitely a switch and would beg on his knees in front of you if you wanted him to.

- Gaz LOVES worshipping your body. Some degradation here and there, but ultimately he can’t help but spout off compliments when he’s buried in you.

- Will definitely send you pictures when deployed. He doesn’t do it to tease you and not let you cum, he wants you to cum to them. Gaz didn’t curate all those pictures for them to go to waste.

- Aftercare expert. Everything is tuned to you specifically. He’s had a few partners and with each he paid attention to what they liked most. Expect a warm bath for you to relax in, followed by food you love, a show on that you’ve been binging, all available on your bed so you can rest how you want to.

- His favorite parts about sex is the foreplay and aftercare. Sorry not sorry!

[merrilark]

At risk of sounding continuously unwell about Red Riding and one of my favorite Sad Guys™ ever, one of my friends pointed out something about this gifset that I love and will never unsee: In the last gif, where BJ confronts Laws, standing against a background of sun-bleached childhood wallpaper and a crucifix touched in shadow, the curtain behind him appears to take the shape of a white wing.

I always thought that the white shoulder detail on his jacket in 1983 looked very reminiscent of wings. Magpie, maybe, in reference to the nursery rhyme "One for Sorrow" and the superstition that the number of magpies could be an omen of good or bad luck (in this case, BJ, "one magpie", brings bad luck to Laws), or, more likely, swans in reference of swan wings being stitched to the backs of Laws' and Dawson's victims.

Now, the gif above has been cropped a bit to focus on BJ. The full shot somewhat ruins the curved wing shape by cutting it off.

Which could mean that the shape of the curtain and how it aligns with the white of BJ's shoulder could be a complete happy coincidence. But... something that I think is interesting and maybe worth considering is that BJ is actually described in the Nineteen Eighty-Three novel as having severed wings.

The idea of characters having wings is a running theme in the novels. I'm unsure of their exact meaning, the novels are... surrealistic and disturbing in their surrealism to say the least, but BJ's in particular seems half literal-half figurative. Literally, there is some implication that he had wings stitched to his back while under Laws' guardianship, so BJ, frightened and careening toward a panic attack in this passage, could be chasing phantom sensations and referencing the real scars on his shoulders. Figuratively, the wings seem symbolic of BJ as a victim, his belief that he physically can't escape due to his metaphorical wings being severed by his abuser, and to parallel him with the mutilated swans who went ignored and dismissed despite being key clues to solving the murders. It's also possibly a callback to Dawson's line about swans being capable of grieving themselves to death, paralleling both how Paula grieves for her daughter until she dies and how BJ grieves all of them until he almost dies (or does die, in novel canon). But I'm derailing here.

There were a lot of changes made between the novels and the film adaptations, especially with BJ. He remains important but his already brief presence in the source material was cut significantly for the films. Consequently, a lot of stuff about him gets missed, a lot of depth sacrificed, but I can't help but look at this and think it might be intentional even if the films didn't care to dig into the wing symbolism or BJ's character really at all.

I dunno. The curtain being shaped in such a way that it glows with sunlight, the way it curves and seems to sprout from the white of his shoulders, the fact it cuts away abruptly where the primary feathers would begin... all within the context of the source material and the importance it puts on wings, especially BJ's wings...?

It's giving too much angelic and Divine Justice imagery for me to want to let this theory go. If it's all coincidental and I'm just crazy finding meaning where there is none, I don't care. It's gorgeous and makes this scene twice as powerful to me. If it is intentional... Wow. I'm blowing kisses at whoever made this decision and commending them for doing their source material homework.

Red Riding Trilogy (2010)

[friends-to-lovers-tournament]

Friends to Lovers Tournament: Round 2, Side A, Match 7

propaganda under the cut!

Junnana:

Oh they are so very silly and I adore them. They basically spent the anime being the most married couple there, the game amplifying that and the movie burning that all to the ground (or Nana did that) before vowing to start a new later. They're just a girl reaching for her dreams without a ton of natural talent and a girl who enjoys helping her friends shine instead of herself despite being super skilled but even though they have slightly different goals on the stage they both respect each other so very much to the point where things only go wrong in the movie because Nana lost a bit of the respect for Junna that was always so fundamental in their dynamic. The Overture manga gives a bit of insight into what their early interactions were like especially in their respective focus chapters (3 and 9), with 3 showing that Nana was planning on becoming their class president rather than Junna but stepped down just because she had so much trust in her abilities while still making it clear that Junna could rely on her while in 9 the mutual reliance came back in the form of Junna being the one to make Nana realize she wasn't alone. Carrying onwards to the anime, some time before the whole thing, Nana decided "hey time loops are pretty cool" because she was afraid of her and her friends growing up and separating. This was not a fact known by anybody but her and that one giraffe and did not affect the early plot, where for the most part Junna was more focused on due to her struggles being highlighted from the moment revues were introduced and Nana was just constantly around her. Then Junna ended up being the first person Nana actually told about them directly (and not in a very vague way in a revue because otherwise Hikari would be the first) because it was looking like said loops were about to end because the childhood friends to lovers dynamic as a whole decided to say nuh uh to her. Then she did in fact lose her next revue which made the idea of continuing her repetitions a little impossible but Junna ended up recovering from that whole shock pretty quickly, and went to comfort Nana and help her learn to start anew. 

Then there's the game which. yeah there's so much stuff in there that I can't even explain it all. In the main story we get the arc of Nana starting her overprotective bs once again, getting stopped and then being given more courage to move forward by Junna since she was realizing that she kind of messed up (since she decided to object to the concept of plays just having lead actors in general. as you do), but there's so much stuff outside of the main story. Highlights include: Junnana literally making up their own ship name, Nana deciding the best way to practice for a role centered around an observant character was to observe Junna specifically, Nana writing a self-indulgent Phantom of the Opera adaptation with herself as the Phantom and Junna as Christine in an event where it turned out she relates to the Phantom (red flag #1 as far as I'm concerned) and wrote Christine based on Junna (Junna was very okay with this but I find it hilarious that she made her adaption of a famous play basically self insert fanfiction), the actual Junnana kiss (stage kiss?? real kiss?? we'll never know), the Valentine's Day event where Junna kept saying things like "oh I'd go to any lengths for Nana" while talking about making chocolate of all things, the time Junna talked about how she wouldn't let anybody take her place of staying right by Nana's side if she had to because she loves being there completely out of the blue to Nana's ex of all people (not a canon ex but a lot of people who know about her whole deal with Nana at least agree that they had something going on. and let me tell you Junna telling the person who constantly regrets not having the strength to remain by Nana's side how much she loved being with Nana was not a smart choice, even though Hisame, the girl in question, took it very well), the Steins;Gate collab where a good chunk of the plot is just Junna being worried about Nana, a play where it turned out that the whole time Junna and Nana had both taken inspiration from each other for their roles, the time they had to actively stop themselves during separate interviews from just rambling about each other, etc. There's so much. Also I forgot to mention it during the main story part but there's also an alternate universe briefly discussed where one of their friends just does not exist so Nana is one of the two best actors in the class and gets the lead role in the play they perform every year, and there's a scene after their performance where Junna talks about how, in the play which is a tragedy involving two lesbians in love, Nana's performance made her think that, if she had stood as her co-star, she would have simply been built different and prevented the tragedy from happening. The plot ends with one character falling form a tower and another being imprisoned within it, and Junna is like "if I was this tragedy and I was with you I would have simply taken your character's hand and never let her go". They're just so married in the game and I can't believe them for it

And then there's the movie. We don't talk about the movie but I kind of have to. Okay so you remember those two friends I was talking about who act very married and ultimately have a lot of their relationship based around their mutual respect for each other? What if Nana stopped respecting Junna entirely one day? That's their movie arc. This movie covers the girls "dying" as stage girls (ie. losing what made them true stage girls/actors in the first place) and then being "reborn" as them, and unfortunately Nana is of the opinion that Junna could just simply have her symbolism death and not the other part. During their revue, Nana talks a lot about how beautiful and dazzling (using those exact words. she even called Junna heartbreakingly beautiful in the dub) Junna was when she was foolishly reaching for a role she wasn't likely to get, but put it all in past tense, and encouraged Junna to let herself die as a stage girl in a brilliant manor rather than trying and failing to grasp her brilliance and dying out like that. also she called her an ugly fruit which sure is something. Then Junna was like "???? no I won't do that actually???" and took one of Nana's swords from her to engage in a sword fight since Nana had destroyed her usual weapon. Which was not a great matchup briefly because Junna never used a sword in her life but after Nana realized that the Junna she was fighting was different from the Junna she knew, and didn't match the role she had assigned for her, Junna ended up telling Nana that her own role was something she'd define for herself and not something Nana could assign for her, and ended up winning against her. After the revue was over, Junna still wanted Nana in her life, and promised her that, one day, they'd reunite on a stage which belonged to both of them, even though they had to find their own stages before that could happen. Before they departed, Nana lamented that Junna was dazzling, contradicting her previous belief that she was only dazzling in the past, all while beginning to cry, and Junna nearly turned around to comfort her, but ultimately decided to continue onto her next stage as Nana carried onwards to her own, knowing that they would both need to grow before their reunion. I also want to mention that, during this scene, a picture of the two of them, one which Nana had stabbed through the middle as she was telling Junna how dazzling she thought she once was, had since been moved to a little pond in the background of the scene (and of the background of the start of the whole revue, so it was there the whole time) that was nearly identical to the one where Junna and Nana had had their moment of comfort at the end of episode 9 of the anime. With the middle of the picture being soaked in water, it ended up sinking just enough for the new cut in the middle of the picture to appear almost mended, showing that, while the damage Nana had done and the rift between them was still there, it was already starting to mend as they once again regarded each other as equals. This scene lives in my head constantly and haunts me daily. Congratulations to Junnana for having a divorce arc as high schoolers

Kuroken:

childhood friends!!! admittedly i'm quite rusty on haikyuu so im sorry i can't provide better propaganda for the kuroken nation but i do remember that kuroo literally centered the entire nekoma high volleyball team around kenma and had this whole gay ass speech about how kenma is their brain and the rest of them are the blood like why are you as a man the blood to another man's brain??

[chronocidalrage]

PHANTOM BROTHER SYNDROME

The feeling at night is the other possibilities. That I could be doing the same thing but with my brother.

In a better universe, you and I are getting high and watching Universal Soldier movies TOGETHER tonight.

I’m always struck by the sadness of the fact that I could feel better if you were here too.

We both suffered from knowing how much better life can be with a partner.

My life has been about doing whatever it takes to stay connected. Because I got to experience beautiful, loving, consistent connection and it kinda ruined me in a way. It was so good (and so rare in my life) that I felt broken without it.

It’s so hard for me to just do the things I wanna do and hope I can find connection along the way. I focus on the connection first. Exercise is lonely and boring. Shit like that.

So yeah, start going to Susie’s Tuesday class. Ride the bike for at least 15 minutes on Wednesday and maybe Thursday this week. Read while I eat. Figure out how to LIKE working out or how to do it for myself? How does that work?

Also cut back on watching movies. I can watch stuff on the bike or at night if I’m done with stuff or on Saturday or Sunday if not busy. But I’ve gotta cut it down.

DEPENDANCE Isn’t that what it’s all really about? Some sort of ingrained belief that I am simply not enough on my own and I need SOMEONE or SOMETHING else to complete me? If I can’t count on another person, I look to things, such as movies and food. All because deep inside, I believe I am incomplete naturally. Never enough.

I’m always struggling with my primary addiction (connection) and my secondary addiction (food and movies). I’ve been leaning more on my secondary addiction because it’s easier to control. My primary addiction has proven to be quite difficult and unpredictable in recent years.

So I think I’m at a good level when there’s background connections available. Susie in the house. People in the office. It’s like the security of having food in the fridge. It’s there if I need it. But then someone (like Susie) asks me a question or something and I suddenly realize how much MORE complete I could feel. It’s not really that I “go away” it’s that I’m suddenly reminded of the completeness of real connection and all of my other goals seem less important in that moment. But it also stresses me out because I’m like “don’t tease me with real connection if you’re not gonna give it to me.”

So on days like today, I like the break from the “tease” of connection. No one to potentially connect with. I have no options to feel more complete. Just me. It’s nice in a way but I have to watch and eat a lot to feel complete on my own.

So I guess I need to always remind myself “you don’t need connection, food, or movies to be complete. You are complete on your own.”

FEELING COMPLETE Try focusing on your senses. Don’t think spoken thoughts about them, just think about them. Sound, sight, taste, smell, touch. Feel your whole body. Focus on that and let feelings and thoughts come up if they want to.

My primary trauma is the fear that no one will ever love me more than (or possibly even as much as) Atom, I’ll never be more complete than that, and I’ll never be happier than I was playing Sonic 2 on the living room floor with Atom. Or than I was when he got off the phone with Stacy to keep playing GI Joe’s with me. My trauma is the fear that the best parts of my life occurred before I was 14. It’s all been downhill from there. Not because good things haven’t happened since then, but because I have felt less and less complete, and more and more afraid since then. That was when I felt safest. Most content. Everything was so simple.

ATOM We both lived with the trauma that our lives may have peaked in childhood. Because life just kept feeling worse and hurting us more and getting in the way of our connection. Our trauma was the fear that it would never get better than that. For Atom, that may have turned out to be true. Sadly. But I still have a chance.

I was always more interested in the unknown. The horror fan. Atom wasn’t. He remembered life before “us.” I didn’t.

I guess I’m struggling. I could be doing worse, I’m doing my best to hold on but it’s hard. To me, the only reasons to live are Susie, Ruby, food and movies. That’s it. Some other things are great (Matt and Tim), but they don’t feel like reasons to live for me. That’s a bummer. I guess I need more reasons to live. Reasons for myself.

I guess I need to remember that they’re not the only good things in my life. The best things in my life can be whatever I want them to be. It’s not already written. No fate but what we make. 

One of my favorite things that happened in my life was Atom coming home from Blockbuster with Hard Boiled. Showing me Metallica. Ninja Turtles. The Tick. Probably GI Joe and Transformers. Batman comics. Predator. How to draw. Seriously some of the all time best moments of my life that have led to so much joy. So grateful and so heartbroken that he’ll never be able to give me one of those moments again.

I think one of my favorite things was nights when mom and dad were out and Scott was busy and Atom and I would just hang out in the living room and watch TV and play games and get pizza delivered. Papa Ginos I’m sure. Like they’d leave us money to order pizza and we’d get some while we watched movies. Those were my favorite nights. I don’t remember them super clearly but I’m 90% sure they happened. Is that where my “I’m more alone, but I can watch movies and eat pizza” habit comes from? All this is because I’m more and more afraid that I’ll never feel that good again. I’m just trying to recapture it without losing anything else.

COMPLETE AGAIN I wouldn’t be doing “nothing” if I felt complete. If I felt complete I wouldn’t be spending so much time watching movies and eating shit. I’d be more fearless.

I think I’m actually more scared of connection than I am addicted to it at this point. Not that I’m not addicted, but I’m also terrified of it.

Maybe the trick is to realize you’re also one of the best parts of your own life. Arguably the best. You’ve done more for your happiness than anyone. You listened when Atom showed you good things. You knew which people were special. You’ve done good things for yourself too.

Spend time with yourself. Love yourself. Is that the whole loving parent thing?

WITHDRAWAL Yeah I seem to go through this awful withdrawal period after spending time with people. After real connection. Does it make me feel more alone in comparison after? More hollow?

Am I struggling with some sort of separation anxiety? Do I worry that it’ll be the last time I see them?

FEAR What am I afraid of? I’m feeling fear when I’m having these connection withdrawals.

Did I really decide I wanted to live or did I just decide this was an okay way to die? Slowly fading away on the couch with my girls? As if I decided my life is already over. As if I’m in the final chapters. This is the night I die alone, or this is the night I never see Tim again. Shit like that.

Am I just living like death could come at any time? Do I not even see a future really?

It’s like I’ve decided the end is near and I’m always looking at things from that perspective. I don’t like being alone because I’m like “am I gonna die alone?” I have trouble doing chores and shit because I don’t wanna die alone doing dishes lol.

I’m just really overcome with dread. And it’s hard to not see everything that way. I think sometimes I think my life peaked in Portsmouth that weekend. Atom and Susie together. Great place. Great food. Great beer. Just a beautiful weekend. And I worry that I’ll never top it.

But I guess my nights with Susie and Ruby get in the way of believing it’ll never be that good again. I guess I just need to believe good things can happen. That my future can be good.

Am I constantly carrying the fear of dying alone? Not exactly because I think being alone is the worst thing ever. But because I don’t want that to be the last thing I feel. Atom died alone. I wish I had been there if he had to die that night.

I guess your final moment doesn’t really matter. People won’t focus on it, and you won’t remember it. Yeah I don’t like how Atom died, but I wouldn’t like him dying in ANY way. I’d want him around. And I remember him for everything else and the fact that he was taken too soon, not his last moment.

But I guess that’s the point. You don’t know when you’re going to die. It’s not written. You don’t know if your life will get worse. You can maybe make it better. Is the solution to stop seeing myself as powerless? Because I think that’s the problem. The last 5 years have really made me feel powerless. Like there’s nothing I can really do anyway. I’m just along for the ride.

And that’s not true. That’s the lesson I was trying to get everyone else to learn. You’re NOT powerless. Atom could’ve changed his life. Mom could’ve helped save him. All sorts of things are possible. No fate but what we make.

My life may have gotten worse. But I can also make it better.

TOOK SUSIE'S YOGA CLASS Thought about how I’ve always wanted to feel loved and only ever really felt loved by Atom. Probably just because he knew me best (so he knew how much there was to love) and because he was consistent so I believed it.

Felt signs of love from others. People disappointing you doesn’t mean they don’t love you. I think Susie is someone I struggle to see love from. Should think about how much of that is me and how much is her (probably more me).

PESSIMISM I think I’m deeply pessimistic. I guess I never noticed? I think because I hate it. I WANT to be positive because I’m so fucking sick of negativity. But I myself am not positive. I’m a pessimist who hates being a pessimist so I pretend to be an optimist. Damn. It’s really hard for me to see the bright part of things, so the bright sides have to be really shiny.

I think to me, everything in the world was bad in some way except for Atom and the stuff we liked. I was between good and bad. And now everything is just bad without him.

Yeah just start looking at things more positively. Look at how the glass is not empty, rather than the fact that it’s not full. I think I view things so negatively that the few things that seem good (or at least that have the downside more down the road) are really bright to me and hard to ignore. Like I see it as “tomorrow will be shit except for maybe when I get Dunks for breakfast or get high and eat Copeland with Susie” I just only see specific things as “good” because they’ve lasted the test of time. Makes me not want to make changes.

FLAWS I only see flaws and my concept of “goodness” is based on how few flaws I see.

No wonder I’m insecure, my concept of a good looking dude is completely unrealistic. Like, as completely insane as it is, the only guys I truly believe a girl could actually find attractive are tall ripped guys with great cheekbones and shit, great style, can dance and move and so forth. It’s not like I see a normal looking guy and think they’re better looking than me really. I’m always comparing myself to fucking models lol.

MAKING SOMEONE LAUGH It’s crazy to realize how much of a compliment it is to try to make someone laugh. Susie’s family really loves me. They’re not pretending.

Susie recalled my "lizard person" theory about Chris Harrison from the Bachelor the day after I randomly said it. She DOES pay attention to me.

DOERS There’s doers and observers. I’m an observer. The only things I figured out on my own were Susie and Ruby. And both scared the shit out of me but look how great they are.

THE WEAR AND TEAR OF ANXIETY It’s like I’m always holding a shield. It’s exhausting. And I’m tired of doing it so I want to avoid situations where I need it.