#but these ones keeeep coming back!

[angelicblondie]

rafe x blondie!reade

when rafe was away on business, you were absolutely miserable.

you couldnt help it! i mean, how were you even supposed to function? the first day you tried to make yourself useful. you met your closest girlfriends for brunch and gossiped about meaningless things (your favorite past time, obvi), and of course, paid the cheque using rafes card.

you then all went to the mall, and you treated yourself to a designer purse and a couple lingerie sets from victoria secret. you even took a few mirror pics to send to rafe, captioning the message , "miss you tons baby :(". rafe of course, hearted the image and sent back a plethora of compliments, to which you giggled giddily to once you got back home.

you then had an easy night in, ordering in food and watching your favorite girly shows, texting rafe goodnight, not wanting to bother him when you know hes so busy. you went to bed with a slight pout on your face, hugging one of his pillows and wishing it was him.

as the days went by, your patience grew thin. rafe was texting back less and whilst you knew it was due to all the hard work he was doing, you began to grow frustrated. there was only so much shopping you could do before burning out, and only so many shows you could re-watch! you needed your rafey back, or at least, some attention.

so you sent him a little text, saying, "baby can we can call tn? miss u :(", to which he replies, obviously, yes.

you giddily get dressed into one of your new sets, and when he calls you, you let it ring 3 times before answering.

seeing his face was just such a relief, you smiled so brightly. "rafey!" you exclaimed.

"hey baby," he mumbled with a small smile. "how ya doin?"

you pout a bit. "miss you"

he chuckles. "miss y'too, blondie," he replies, watching the way your eyes brighten up when he says this.

his eyes narrow. "what'cha got on?" he asks, his eyes on the bottom of his screen.

your eyes light up. "oh, this?" you ask innocently, before panning the camera down to your body, showing off.

he groans. "fuckkkk, babe, where'd that come from?"

you giggle. "victorias secret."

he hisses out a breath of air. "shit, wherever it came from, i want more." he chuckles, and you bask in the praise.

soon enough, rafe has you seated on you pillow, your hips rocking back and forth, searching for the sweet friction. rafes camera is panned down to his cock, which he is steadily pumping in his fist. for every little whine or whimper you let out, rafe groans hungrily, mutter curses under his breath and voicing praises.

"yeah, thats a good girl, baby. keeeep going, know if feels good."

"y'close? i know baby, i can tell. just keep going, dont stop. thats it."

and eventually, your hips grew tired and your high overcame you, as you spluttered out high pitched curses and thank yours, you realized rafe had also came, and he watched the screen with amused pleasure. the two of you locked eyes as your movments slowed down, your mouth open in an "o" and your eyebrows furrowed.

rafe let out a low chuckle. "see? that was fun, huh?"

you huff. "not as fun as you actually being here." you pout a bit, dismounting the pillow and picking back up the phone.

rafe scoffs. "dont use that tone w'me, missy, aight? m'not in the mood." rafe runs a hand down his face. "just helped you cum and y'talking back like that? maybe i should teach you a lesson when i get back, hm?"

you pout. "no, im sorry. didnt mean it." you grumble, slipping under the blankets. "j'miss you, rafey."

rafe sighs. "yeah yeah, miss you too kid."

you and rafe talk for a couple more minutes before he says he has to go. you go to bed that night, still missing your rafey, but feeling much more satisfied then the nights before.

[redactedwriting]

you are so real about dnp honestly. I need to be their boytoy they invite over whenever they need extra loving. just enjoying how sensitive I am and whiny I get when they touch me in all the right places.

I'm also super short compared to them so size kink?? yes please!! just having them tower over me as they grope me and kiss me everywhere 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

- vigilante anon

i’m bashing my skull in thinking about dnp. jesus fuck. the vid broke me today.

i just. i JUST. there’s something so fucked up (pos) about phil in dans goth-adjacent clothes. like. he rly do have that tragic victorian child complexion that makes the black of the clothes pop. ugh god fuck

but yeah. you getting to be their boytoy, one of them texting you to come over (at first it’s super normal and polite but at this point sometimes the invite is “hey baby u up” with a winky face and then “i’m sorry please come over” and then “but also hey baby u up”) and ofc you go over.

maybe it’s genuinely just like, cuddle time, movie or show marathon, ordered in pizza. but sometimesssss <3

it always starts that way, because they’re both awkward and don’t wanna just immediately let you in and fuck you. they’re polite young men they have some standards. but then, where you’re cuddled between them, maybe phil would get just sliiiightly handsy, trailing up and down your spine under your shirt or maybe slipping a hand down the back of your little comfy pj shorts you came over in. he’d shoot a look at dan that’s like “be normal” and it would make dan kinda smile and laugh to himself but he’d keep his eyes trained on the tv, but conveniently scooch closer and get his hands on your waist or your thigh, kinda pulling you to him while letting you stay mostly pressed against phil.

jesus fuck. you trying to control your breathing but they know what’s going on, they know how badly you’re getting turned on, but they just keeeep actinggg normallll and so do you, not wanting to show any signs that you’re about to die if they don’t touch you proper. they’d play with you like that for so fucking long, So Fucking Long, until maybe on a movement of dans hand, he pushes down into the front of your underwear and feels how turned on you are <3 he’d make a little “hm <3” sound and rub at you there, and you’d make tiny little sounds against phil, hiding your face, and he’d pet your hair with one hand and push you by the hand on your ass to grind forward against dans fingers. lord save mw

[chappell-roans]

yeah like, its amazing that women are now allowed to make big box office movies I just wish people were more honest about the actual quality. legally blonde and mean girls touched on the intricacy of female friendships and the way women and girls walk through the world but they were also well written and showed it through the plot and relationships and made far deeper commentary because of it. legally blonde especially. I can keep sending my thoughts in if you dont mind, I really wanted to talk to someone about this.

Go for it I’m always down for good conversation. I’ve just been horrible at replying to asks because of work being busy lately, so don’t take it personally please bc I love this and am so happy my blog has somehow become a way to facilitate healthy conversation even in a small way.

But yes I agree. I think that movies can be feminist statements without overtly saying “this is a feminist statement.” And like, I keep repeating, I genuinely enjoyed Barbie even though it had tonal whiplash and it was much stronger imo in the comedy than the drama parts of the movie. I go back to Legally Blonde and Mean Girls a lot. Thats actually one of the reasons I still haven’t seen the new Mean Girls, beyond being biased thanks to nostalgia lol.

And back to your point about quality, YES. Like, we can and should talk about diversity and uplift all voices, women and POC and like Hollywood is not nearly where it should be. (And we should also talk about international and independent film more, which is happening more, which is a great thing. But those are sooo different from like. Being top 3 box office. Like pretending that Barbie and Past Lives are similar in any way is wild to me—not that people are, but it’s such a limited conversation.) Like, to me it shouldn’t be offensive to find Oppenheimer to be a better and more serious movie than Barbie. It’s not because it’s “for boys” (which is bullshit and we keeeep enforcing gendering when like, gender is a huge factor in a lot of things, and a lot of oppression, but this shouldn’t be boy movie/girl movie). It’s because it’s better lol. (And people are more than welcome to disagree; some do! Ultimately these things are taste.)

But yeah. Idk. Cinema is one of the biggest forms of media and so what it says and who makes it matters a LOT. As does who doesn’t have that access. But having a real conversation about quality also matters. Like, Barbie aside, to me, Lady Bird isn’t the best coming of age film about women and parental relationships of the 2010s. 20th Century Women and Boyhood are. (Lady Bird is maybe 3rd, if I’m being generous.) Are they better movies because they’re made by men? No it’s because they’re better movies to me. And that’s fine. Idk. It just limits conversation a lot.

All this said, I’m trying to attempt to balance out my movie watching even a little and watch more films directed by women and minorities. I’ve seen all Greta’s films (and they’re good! Not great but good) and there are SO MANY MORE OUT THERE. And I’m glad they’re getting a bit of a push at the Oscars, too.

[snailplush]

top five viddy games :)

thank u for asking!! :D

1 -> animal crossing! i feel like this just has to be my number one...erm i never had any of the games growing up cause i didnt have the money but when pocket camp came out it changed my life! n now new horizons! i have. 565+ hours in the game so. think i HAVE to say its my fave...the evidence...ehe

2 -> minecraft!! i haven't played in a long time but i played survival for hours n hours when i was growing up it was so fun n sooo soothing...i love it...fun fact i only played multiplayer in 2020...i'd be playing since 2013 by myself eheh...just making survival world after survival world...making little kingdom then starting again :)

3 -> undertale / deltarune!! cheating n putting these two at the same number cause i really enjoyed both of them equally! i haven't even played ch2 of deltarune yet but im excited to! i think the excitement n the characters n the ost n the gameplay is just soo fun n soo comforting n i just love it! :)

4 -> night in the woods! oh baby i've wanted to get into this for years n years n finally got around to watching a playthrough earlier this year n i totally fell in love...the um ost is also some of my most played music!! comfy...

5 -> hades!! i just started like a few weeks ago but i'm having a blast! i really enjoy the gameplay n the characters n the design n just everything is so so fun! i really enjoy the way its formatted too ehe...i dont mind going back to the beginning cause u can just unlock sooo many new things...i love talking to everyone!! n also. it makes the list cause unlimited cerberus pets ehehe...when i first discovered u can pet him. i kid u not i sat there petting him for about 3 minutes.

[uglypastels]

strictly!dancer!tom and reader winning the glitterball trophy :’))

Ooh yes this is a v v important <33 thank you for requesting 

> AU BLURB EVENT

Three couples left standing, all exhausted after having danced three separate dances. It had started off with the judge’s choice. A dance that the four panellists had decided they wanted to see again, whether it was to see improvement or to simply see their favourite dance again. Then came the Showdance, where you could put out all the stops to show the skills you have learned over the past weeks, could be a mix of anything, really. 

Then, the third dance was the couple’s favourite. The dance you and Tom enjoyed the most. In your case, it had been the Viennese Waltz to Falling by Harry Styles. It had been an emotional dance, to begin with, but when you finished it for the second time in the finale, knowing that that was your last ever time dancing with Tom, you couldn’t control yourself. Just about through the last conversation with the judges and the chat with Claudia. 

Once you were out of the shot and behind the stage, Tom had to hold you for a moment, and while he did, you could feel he was crying as well. Just like that, it was over. Your journey had come to an end. There other two couples still had to dance their last dances and then it will be time to announce the winner. 

“I’m so proud of you,” Tom looked into your eyes. Both your visions were blurry from the tears, but you were smiling. 

“Thank you,” you grinned, “for everything. I couldn’t have done it without you.” 

“I know,” Tom shrugged, you rolled your eyes at his cockiness but, really, you couldn’t hide the fact how much you adored him at that moment. There was only one way to prove it- by kissing him. So, you did. It was very likely that you would have missed the ending of the programme, being too occupied with each other, if it wasn’t for the fact that you had to be on screen when the other couples finished their dance. You were found by a frazzled assistant and rushed to the broadcast stage. 

For the next half hour, Tom just tried to keep you calm, while you had to wait for the show to finish and the votes to stream in. He squeezed your hand any time you seemed to be getting overwhelmed, pulling you back down to earth. 

“It’s gonna be okay,” he whispered into your ear, every few minutes, including once you were already standing on the dancefloor. Three couples and in front of you all, the big Glitterball trophy, sparkling in the spotlights. 

You hugged Tom tightly as you waited for Tess to call out the names of the winning duo. The silence was a familiar torture but you didn't get any more used to it. 

“The winners of Strictly Come Dancing are...” 

There was that music again. It would be the last time you had to hear it, fortunately. You could just about feel Tom pulling you in tighter to his side as you were waiting to hear a name. Any name. As long as it would be over. You just wanted to know. 

“y/n and Tom!”  

Scream all around you. The confetti burst from above and fell on top of your hands. You stood there, frozen in shock, while Tom picked you up. The large group of your fellow contestants grouped around you in this big group hug of sorts. From the corner of your eye, you could see the judges standing up, clapping. Even Craig was smiling. 

Finally, when the people around you moved over, giving you enough space to walk around, you and Tom went up to the trophy and picked it up. It was extremely heavy, but Tom carried most of its weight. 

The celebration went on for a few more minutes. You had to say a few thank yous into the camera, as well as Tom, and then Tess and Claudia had to close off the season with their iconic “keeeep dancing”. 

Someone off stage shouted out cut, and you knew you were off the air. Tom didn’t even miss a beat and immediately made his way toward you, grabbed you tightly and kissed you. People gasped, not much out of surprise, but from the suddenness. Then it all changed into “aww”s. 

“So much for keeping it to ourselves, huh?” you teased after pulling away. 

“What? We’re not on tv anymore. And what can they do now? We already won.” He said before kissing you again. 

[toooldforfandom-liveblogs]

Steven Universe Future 04 - Volleyball

Last episode with volleyball in it was back in Season 1, with Steven using it as a way to integrate the gems with the townies. Since SUF so far has been "Remember that one thing about Steven in the original show? It's actually pretty bad when taken to extremes" I assume the episode will somehow make me feel bad for him again and wish he got some therapy.

We didn't see the pinkness last episode so I wonder if it'll make a re-appearance now since it seems to be pretty important for what the show is trying to do. Maybe he'll lose control of his emotions and use his powers to try and win the match and end up hurting someone? I don't know so let's do this!

So. Where's the Dr. Mario game clone with Steven, Cartoon Network?

...how did she get hurt if her job is to defend Nanefua?

That's just a cute way of saying "we did it to ourselves"

oh boy, only 1 minute in and I can already see the drama coming.

WHAT

Is this a "Pink Diamond was a monster" episode?

welp

And the pinkness didn't take long to appear! This is going to be a fun episode.

Oh Steven.

I wonder how everyone reacted to this "new" Steven.

With the other gems there were entire arcs in between they handling their issues so they had time to breath, with Steven it feels like they are committed to presenting the problem and dealing with it in as short of a time as possible. I can't imagine 20 episodes of this to be anything but emotionally exhausting with all that unreleased tension so I hope the "dealing" with it is before the finale.

oooo this is going to be fun. Nothing like dealing with millennia-old issues through something completely unrelated and what do you mean they have problems?

Also we've already been shown the gems hit hard enough to crack gems during their matches, there's no way that doesn't come up again, especially with Pink Pearl already being damaged.

Now I'm really curious about what happened to this Pearl.

I think the silhouettes have been mostly been used to show things that are not quite true (even if whoever's talking thinks they are) but I'm not sure if this particular use of them is just Pink Pearl having an idealized version of Pink in her head compared to what we know or if it goes deeper than that, with her maybe trying to hide or forget things about Pink that don't live up to what she wants to remember.

Deedee keeps being the best VA in this show and she's not even singing.

Also, lol Pearl, you don't get to feel smug about that.

Can't wait for it to be the thing that solves the entire situation once Pearl finds out.

Yup, loving the Pearls being passive-aggressive to each other as much as I thought I would.

In a Steven Universe episode I'd expect for this fight to be solved by Steven by forcing them to talk and acknowledge how the fact that they are similar is actually a good thing. But, we are in the Future~ 🎵 so I'm not sure what's going to happen.

Steven seems to trying his best to avoid thinking about anything but fixing Pink Pearl (because of the baggage.) Considering how mature Amethyst was in the premiere, maybe Pearl is going to manage to avoid exploding? Or maybe someone is going to actually ask Pink Pearl what she meant about Pink being responsible of the crack instead of just assuming.

...he really nicknamed her Volleyball. Wow.

Being a bit on the nose, huh?

lol at me thinking Pearl would be above this

I can't tell if it's a reference to an specific show or just the entire magical girl genre.

Steven's face screams "I dealt with your crap for five seasons Pearl, FIVE SEASONS"

Ooh, "update" sounds interesting, especially with two outdated pearls right there.

So, she was blocking her memories. Oh joy.

Well. Didn't expect for Pink Pearl to be the physical representation of Steven's refusal to deal with his own issues. Hopefully this is going to show him how damaging it is to... never mind, we all know it'll be just one more thing he'll block out.

Oof. That's textbook abuse minimizing.

I know the show tells Pink's redemption story but wow, the writers just keeeep piling it up, huh? And it's barely the fourth episode!

It's also the first time we ever hear about destructive powers. Did Pink regret hurting Volleyball (wow, that nickname hurts to write) and stop using them? Maybe even block them away and now they are re appearing in Steven? This just keeps getting better and better.

What a mood.

keeps getting better.

Also, don't think I don't see what you're doing, show. Once again throwing a problem to distract everyone from having deal with Steven's issues.

Reaaaally rubbing salt into the wound.

...that's literally Utena. Which makes me feel bad because I haven't watched that show so I have no idea if this has a deeper meaning than "damn, looks cool"

Wow. I thought they had spent all their animation budget in the opening but they obviously had some money left.

What a powerful scene, not only because it finally gives the Pearls some closure we didn't even know they needed but also because it shows what Steven doesn't have. The Pearls managed to find understanding, both about each other and about Pink by opening up, exactly what he refuses to do. He's even sitting apart from them, alone.

I like that Pink Pearl (and the fusion) still has the cracks because as much as she understands Pink tried to change after what she did to her (and did change, considering she never used those powers again), the resulting damage can't be erased that easily. Maybe she'll never completely heal. Some things can't be gotten over no matter how much you understand and even forgive someone.

Considering Pink Pearl seems to be the origin story of Pink's attempts to change, I really, really hope this marks the end of the show adding to the list of "horrible things Pink did during her existence."

As good of a episode this was, I wish it was slightly less obvious about denying Steven the opportunity to at least have someone confront him about what's going on with him. I'm starting to expect "the distraction" which is never good, it feels weirdly formulaic in a way that goes beyond the usual "Steven solves a problem" plot.

I think that's all for now, until next time!

Late edit:

[eeveecryptid]

※ BORDERLANDS: PSYCHO EDITION

Various lines that Psychos have said through Borderlands 1-3 (not including the Pre-Sequel since they were called something else), feel free to change pronouns if needed. May include nsfw material.

“ Ahh, another victim! ” “ Another walking meat puppet! ” “ Come closer, I can almost smell you. ” “ I wonder what your face would look like on mine. ” “ I'm gonna squeeze you 'til you bleed blood! ” “ It's time to paint this body with blood! ” “ Just three more steps and I got me dinner. ” “ Keep walkin', keeeep walkin'. ” “ No, don't run away, I need your face! ” “ Strip the flesh, salt the wound! ” “ Why don't you come over here, I got a little present for you! ” “ Another story to sing to the cages at home! ” “ Bring me a bucket, and I'll show you a bucket! ” “ I can't wait to take your picture! ” “ I love you! ” “ Love me, hate me - It all tastes the same! ” “ I'm gonna beat you to life! ” “ I wonder, if I plant you in the ground, if you'll grow taller? ” “ I made you a salad outta worms! ” “ Let's agree to disagree! ” “ Look into my eyes when I stare at you! ” “ Look at me when I'm charging at you! ” “ Mommy dearest was the clearest until she lost her bearing, now she's rusted, and is busted, and out of sight and hearing! ” “ They told me to bring a pail lunch-- you look pale enough to me! ” “ This is prison and we're the guys in the shower! ” “ What does it all mean!? ” “ Will you marrow me? ” “ You smell like my little girl! ” “ My mommy's gonna be so mad! ” “ My mom looked at me that way, too! ” “ Mom always said to be thorough. ” “ I'm the one who knocks! ” “ For France! ” “ You can't kill me! I'm already dead tomorrow! ” “ STOP LOOKING AT ME! ” “ WHY ARE YOU YELLING?! ” “ NO NEED TO SHOUT! ” “ A flower? For me? ” “ I AM IMMORTAL! ” “ I like my victims like I like my coffee... in the butt! ” “ It's meat puppet master theatre! ” “ I can hear with my teeth! ” “ I wanna play! Just play with me! ” “ It's time for a good old fashioned slap and crap! ” “ I'll never stop until they flop! ” “ Just a drop! On my tongue! ” “ Slurp it! Drink it! Eat it! (sniff) Smell it! ” “ Slap the pancakes! ” “ Start the clock! I'm going to count every minute I get with you. ” “ Pluto's not a planet! ” “ Gimme my hit points back! ” “ I need a powerful man/woman! Right now! ” “ Wait! Come back! I won't eat you! Really! ” “ I see you! ” “ You can hide, but you can't run! Pussy! ” “ ​I think s/he's gonna play xylophone with my spinal cord! ” “ Bang-bang leads to smash-smash! ” “ Every time you shoot its head, another puppet loses its skin! ” “ Got my friend back! ” “ Time for a sleepover! ” “ ​Too much friendship! ” “ Mom says I can't see you! ” “ Bad friend! Such a bad friend! ” “ ​Ooohh, a shooting star! ” “ It's like a microwave meal! ” “ Weakness leads to deathness! ” “ That was my pasty cake! ” “ Goddammit! I had it all set up! All set up! ” “ Did I get some on my shoe?! ” “ No one touch that pile! It's mine! ” “ I feel like we grew apart since s/he died. ” “ But you'll miss tea time! ” “ High-five! Oh, you're dead. Sorry. ” “ If only my mom could see me now... ” “ No, you have a time out! ” “ Never gonna give you up-- ” “ End... quotes... death... gurgle... ” “ Bury me upside down! ” “ I've changed... I'VE CHANGED! ” “ I didn't do it! ” “ This isn't the last thing I'll say! ” “ My words will ring in your ears for miles! ” “ I regret nothing! ” “ I regret everything! ” “ My whole life was a joke. ” “ But the cakes we were going to bake! ” “ I cry every morning because the moon IS DEAD! ” “ I am a bad egg, and I came first! ” “ Now YOU scream! ” “ Who got your nose? ME! IN A MINUTE! ” “ Look at me goddammit! LOOK AT ME! ” “ THIS. IS SO. EXCITING! ” “ Look what I did! ” “ ABIDE TO MY VOICE! ” “ Are you jam? BECAUSE I LOVE JAM! ” “ For three easy payments of $14.99, you will belong to me! ” “ I planted a kazoo and it came out a vuvuzela...SKREE! ” “ I need some more zest for my lung salsa, cha-cha-cha! ” “ DID SOMEBODY ORDER ME? ” “ Such profit to be had! ” “ No! YOU'RE mostly crushed up children! ” “ Hope you enjoy my CASSEROLE! ” “ Give me a second and I'll take a whole hour! ” “ Hello little snail! WHERE IS YOUR HOUSE!? ” “ I don't believe in you! ” “ I'm not a cannibal, you're an animal! ” “ Make like a tree and...WHAT'S A TREE!? ” “ I'm going to make you shit so hard it'll stain your soul! ” “ Like a rock...BUT NOT! ” “ Don't stare at the entrance to my organ jail! ” “ Perishable by design, yet I still subsist! ” “ Fork this mask! I need a helmet! ” “ Oh... sis is going to shit all over you! ” “ And yet, I'm still sitting! ” “ Another shall be revealed to me soon. ” “I am older than you know. ” “ I'M NOT A DAMN CHILD! ” “ What's even real? ” “ I'm the face, and you're the mule! SCREW YOU, MULE! ” “ Remember to live life lightly! ” “ Though I shiver, my longing ends! ” “ You're a freak! ” “ Mister/Miss (name), tell me about the sky... ” “ I'm a basket made of gnomes! ” “ In my long sleep shall I awaken! ” “ Truly, all is permitted. ” “ Joke's on you, I soiled myself! ” “ I would have preferred a thank you! ” “ For (name), I would gladly shatter! ” “ It's a dog-eat-dog world. ” “ Put that experience to good use. ” “ This is turning out to be a real bummer. ” “ Good luck on your quest! ” “ That's it, you're out of book club! ” “ Circumstances dictate everything! ” “ See you in the sequel. ” “ Who dies screaming anyway!? ” “ Prison break...from the bone jail... ” “ Dream I dream and the construct shatters. ” “ My chili recipe dies with me! ” “ Tell my kids I wish they were born! ” “ So many things I never felt. ” “ I die, that the family may live. ” “ You fight better-- there, I said it. ” “ (Name)’s gonna drink soup out of your skull. Cold, like gazpacho. ” “ I get it now, we're all just a joke. ” “ I'm gonna live forever! ” “ (name) will protect me! ” “ This is gonna suck! ” “ Your scalp's my ticket to great wealth! ” “ You're out of your league, baby cakes! ” “ Present for you, you earned it! ” “ It's curtains for you! ” “ Fresh out of boom. ” “ The horror! ” “ This is gonna shit all over you! ” “ My suffering is yet incomplete. ” “ Sucker! Right in the kisser! ” “ You're gonna get purged, heretic! ” “ You look better with bullet holes! ”

[bladekindeyewear]

Time to read hs^2′s third non-bonus update!  I have not had a single portion of an image spoiled this time, and have no damn idea what it’s about.  Not even any asks in my inbox.  Will we have more of Ghostflusters, maybe a reason Jane didn’t know he was gone even when he supposedly received divorce papers?  A cut back to the good guys in pursuit of Dirk and crew?  Will Jade be a black-eyed zombie, or finally fucking awake like she deserves to be???

Let’s find out!

Oh god damn everything, please no.  ==>

...Oh!

Oh that’s MUCH better than it could’ve been!  We’re still in Candyverse, but cutting over to the Vriskas’ perspectives.  So that on the right would be the “mostly identical” Vriska who Rose and Kanaya raised, and the aforementioned logistics are just dealing with a dead clown body (that hopefully isn’t being refrigerated in the unseen spot Dirk was hiding from Terezi on their ship).

Kid Vriska looks pretty cool!  A fair bit Aranea-y, with that collar feeling like a nice hint of the Pagey version of her who originally earned the (Vriska) title.

(Vriska) pockets John’s phone before she can worry too much about waiting for a reply from Terezi.

Right, stolen phone... an anon in my inbox pointed out that Vriska “has a direct line out to Terezi” because of it, but I didn’t take it that seriously because I thought it wouldn’t come into play at all later.  Guess I was wrong, with the narrative taking the trouble to point it out-- especially considering that whatever she said, she EXPECTS a possible reply.

Other than some fun banter, I can’t figure out where this particular upd8 is going.

> (==>)

Oh that is a smug, self-satisfied Vriska look if I ever saw one.  (Vriska) over here is still dust under her heels, isn’t she?

VRISKA: If you want to keep Hanging Out, I mean. Which I assume you Do.

Holy shit, she’s throwing a bit of Kanaya Caps in her language.  That’s SUPER adorable.  That was probably in Candy too and I just forgot about it.

VRISKA: So, Nickname me, 8itch. And make it Cute.

Huh!  You don’t stake too much on your name, then?

> (==>)

Vrissy!  That’s surprisingly genial of you, it’s pretty damn good.

VRISSY: So now that we have that locked down, what’s First on the list of Awesome Shit we’re gonna do Together?

Oh no.  No, no Vrissy, you’re gonna be disappointed.  :(

VRISSY: I told you already, I don’t ever get up to Anything nearly as Interesting as you did. VRISKA: Till now ;;;;) VRISSY: Heh. Yeah.

...yeah, FUCK.  Vrissy is gonna get used and thrown away so fucking hard.  The slightest ounce of hero worship thrown Vriska’s way is an ounce that’s gonna get exploited to hell and back.

I suppose from here we’re going into the rebellion, aren’t we?  I hope badass eyepatch Karkat doesn’t look too silly in this art style.

> (==>)

God, this art style is so CLEAN and makes her look so ADORABLE.

--ah, okay.  We’re gonna see how the dynamic between Vrissy and human Kid-Tavros works.  Hope this won’t be too painful.  Besides, like... the kind of hilarious starting-pain that she’s asking HIM to help take care of a dead body.

VRISSY: That was Tavros. He’s on his way.

Oh man, Vriska didn’t know.  :D

> (==>)

Huh!  That’s a more thoughtful expression than I was expecting.

VRISKA: Unless he’ll rat us out to his mom???????? VRISSY: Nah. He’ll get too much of a Kick out of seeing this dead Piece of Shit, don’t Worry.

Oh man.  Tavros’ll probably just be sad or freaked out a bit, but what I wouldn’t give for our first look at him to be him dancing on this clown’s grave.

> (==>)

Vrissy hates that ostentatious prick-mobile, mostly because it is not her ostentatious prick-mobile.

Heheheh.

Hm?  “Actual spy shit”, other than hiding a body?  Did you have some bigger anti-Crocker stuff in mind, Vrissy?

> (==>)

Oh Jiminy Christmas!!!  You’re the spitting image of your parents!  And, like... perfectly visually suited to induce Vriska-macking, unwanted or otherwise.

> (==>)

TAVROS: These are normal things you expect to happen, when you are picking up your kismesis and her,,,, ah,,, new friends,

Oh right, that’s the relationship.  More that I forgot from Candy.

VRISSY: Who is VERY Cool and Sexy with her Eyepatch--

--remind me again why Vriska has an eyepatch?  Something in the Lord English fight, a stray shard of universe fabric inflicting more random meaningful damage?  *Looks it up.*  Oh huh, so THAT was the vague damage to her head she played off-- the shard literally got her eye and she refused to admit it to herself or the narrative.  I was wondering about that weird damage back when I read it, but never inferred the answer.  And did she put the eyepatch on when she landed in Candy?  *Looks that up*  Wait, no, it couldn’t have hit her eye.  From Candy:

Vriska’s face snaps up, eyes blazing. Eyes. Actual eyes, with expression, color, pupils, and everything.

[...]  There’s a bleeding gash on her head and something lodged in her chest.

Okay, fuck.   Then whence the fucking eyepatch?  *Keeps skimming Candy...*

(VRISKA): The 8attle was hitting its clim8x when I got hit in the head with... with...

(Vriska) paws at her head wound, fingers numb and vision blurry.

(VRISKA): Wh8tever the fuck it was that hit me in the head!

Hmm?

JOHN: do you wanna see a doctor for that or something? (VRISKA): No!!!!!!!! (VRISKA): I w8nt to know what the fuck is GOING ON!!!!!!!!

Hmmmm.....  *Keeeeps reading...*

Dammit, that’s all there is.  So this is an inference either Andrew intended or the other authors/artists did from the tail end of all that -- Vriska either took head damage that deprived her of sight in that eye, made it more light-sensitive/blurry, OR that eyepatch is essentially a makeshift bandage over the bleeding parts.  (Which might remain medically necessary, or she might just keep wearing for style points.)  Hmm.

I’m mostly just relieved that whoever’s helping write HS^2 didn’t fuck up.  Okay, that’s enough Candy-digging, back to the story now:

After a few beats, he propels himself off the car like a swimmer at the sound of a gun, his body plunging in a graceful arc toward his goal.

Huh?  I mean, good execution, very Jake, but... huh?  Is someone gonna get clobbered?  Vrissy?  The corpse?

> (==>)

Ooh, the corpse!  Yes!!!  Kick that corpse.

Why did the head honk?  Hopefully this stays a corpse.  (I’m surprised his strikes are as weak as the narrative’s saying; even if he’s really Tavros-natured, he’s still the son of two of the strongest, fisticuff-iest players.  Kind of a rebellion against his parents both, then?)

> (==>)

--unrelated, I just saw the Bonus blinking with Catnapped Part 2.  Guess I won’t be finished once I’ve covered this, just yet.

VRISKA: I am in no place to 8egrudge a man his cathartic ass-kicking moment, but that was a loud fucking scream. VRISSY: No kidding. My ears are STILL ringing from your 8ig attempt at breaking the sound 8arrier.

Y’all are ones to talk, I just reread the part of Candy where you two found Vriska fucking Gamzee.

> (==>)

> (==>)

Please don’t move, clown.  Stay the fuck dead, please?

> (==>)

Calm down, Tav, you’ve got this.

> (==>)

Nice suspenders.

> (==>)

aaaaAAAAAAAAAAA WHO IS THIS AGAIN IS THIS HARRY OR SOMETHING IS THIS JOHN AND ROXY’S ASSHOLE KID

--sorry I got overexcited because I clicked next and saw that hair spiral aaaa.

...I hope it isn’t a DIFFERENT kid of theirs that I somehow forgot exists or such.  That’d be embarrassing.  This guy/girl/person looks infuriatingly suave, also.

> (==>)

YOU’RE SO CUTE IN A WAY THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE.

--Yep, dialogue confirms it’s Harry Anderson.

Heh, he’s pulling an Early Acts John and not believing a word of it, but playing along.

There is no possible way that this stuff Vrissy is saying isn’t horeseshit, but he is not about to crack.

--just wanna point out the probably-typo before they fix it.

Ah, bringing it there.  Good luck, Harry.

> (==>)

Oh, that was fast.

> (==>)

...That’s what you get for relying on Harry.

> (==>)

VRISKA: We can just dump it in the inciner8or. That’s pro8a8ly what his plan was to 8egin with. VRISSY: The what???????? VRISKA: The inciner8or. Like, for 8odies?? VRISSY: At SCHOOL???????? VRISKA: Yes? TAVROS: It is somewhat pleasant to be reminded,,, in my darker moments,,,, that the grass is not really ever greener on Alternia,

No comment, this is just pretty hilarious.

I still keep revisiting how easily Vrissy gave up her given name, here.  As if she feels like her real name ought to be associated with the hero instead of her, in a kind of... lowkey low self-esteem way.

VRISSY: I should have known he was fucking with us. VRISSY: GOD he is such a Stupid 8astard.

--Well, they know each other well enough.

Hm.  Does Vriska think they can just kill any human kids they run into?

> (==>)

...GOSH, Vrissy is stupid adorable.  And like, shockingly chill, in general.

> (==>)

Huh.  Vrissy, are you chickening out on an adventure because you’re afraid you’ll get caught?  ...well, good for you, honestly!  Not that I think it’ll last.

...yup, there she goes after ‘em.

> (==>)

I think you’re still going to fuck up, Vriska.

> (==>)

None of them know where they are going, but Vriska is leading the way, hunched and purposeful

I guess none of this is surprising, really.

Is Jane going to, like... hear about the corpse found in a human school’s basement and blame the rebellion some more somehow?  Not that it matters, I guess.

There is something incredibly reassuring, Tavros thinks, about someone who has absolute outward confidence in themselves.

(There’d better not be any relationship conflict involving Vriska upcoming in the future.  BETTER not.)

> (==>)

Gamzee managing to fuck everything up even when he’s dead.

> (==>)

VRISKA: No, he’s right, I was going to count to eight.

Hah.

> (==>)

Are they gonna end up dumping him at Harry’s feet?

Nice way to force him out of school and into the rebellion, that.

> (==>)

VRISSY: Keep looking for Harry Anderson. He’s In The Shit with us now, whether he likes it or not.

Guess so!  Fair enough.

> (==>)

oh no

(I also understand why I haven’t gotten any asks about this upd8 yet.  This is mostly just character (re-)introductions and hijinks.  Totally up for some Harry, Vriska, Vrissy and Tavros adventures now that I can actually SEE them, it really adds a lot.)

> (==>)

And there it goes.  Slide into Harry’s classroom on the waterslick maybe?

> (==>)

The human students, trained to respond to a fire drill with speed and enthusiasm for missed class time, are out in the hall in a matter of seconds.

Oh, the worst possible outcome.  :D

> (==>)

Shit, they’re all on camera.  Nice job, Vriska!  Welcome to Earth.

> (==>)

> (==>)

Oh my fucking GOD, this image.  Vriska is LOVING the chaos!!!  She doesn’t even care!

VRISKA: I thought this planet was gonna be a snoozefest desert devoid of 8oth agency and fun, but I am honestly having a gr8 time.

Pfff.  I should’ve known.  She just cares about being where the Action Is, as Aradia put it at the end of Meat.

> (==>)

She sees it, and she can’t breathe. Her lover, her confidante, her clown of many years, being desecrated by a bunch of treasonous monsters.

You threw him out of a ship.

Yeah, of course she draws that conclusion.  Everything and everyone is either with her or against her, after all.

> (==>)

--Wait, you didn’t even know Tavros was missing until that moment???

So did the lawyers send the divorce papers on their own, or did the authors really just forget?

> (==>)

Your John is showing SO hard, Harry.

> (==>)

Congratulations!

> (==>)

Yep!

> (==>)

HARRY ANDERSON: oh fuck

*slow clap*

I’ll cover Catnapped 2 in a bit, though circumspectly as it’s a paid bonus.  See y’all!

[specialmindz]

”NYEH!!”

“nope! try again bro,” said Sans, smiling with his arms outstretched.

“WHAT DA’ FRIGGIN’ HELL SNAS?! WHY I CAN’T DO DIS?”

“keeeep practicing pappy, you’ll get it! hee hee hee!” He laughed as Papyrus gave him an angry look, probably thinking he was being made fun of, though that really wasn’t the case. Sans had actually been trying to help Papyrus; help him stay Determined so he’d have a better chance of learning his unique Karma attack, which even his own father gave up on quite some time ago, but unfortunately, it seemed like his taunting wouldn’t be enough, as the baby bone’s frustration was beginning to become more and more apparent with each passing failure.

His brother wasn’t a full Wingdings, but he definitely shared their impatience, which was what caused that particular member of the Dingbat family to multitask. If Papyrus didn’t pick up on something as quickly as he liked, he’d soon put it aside for later and move on to something else, and if he couldn’t master the comedian’s Karma technique with his FULL attention, then, well…

“WHY DIS HAPPENING TO ME? DIS AIN’T RIGHT! I’S THE MASTERPIECE, YOU’S THE ROUGHDRAFT! I’S SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER AT ERYTHING!!”

Gaster stood by the Nursery’s doorway observing the two, clipboard in hand, “I believe it may have something to do with his soul’s value…”

“Nyeh?”

“Sans values Integrity above all else, as represented by his soul’s blue coloring. Integrity itself is defined as doing what one believes is the right thing no matter what,” Gaster flipped through the papers attached to his clipboard.

SHIF SHIF!

“Kay’.”

SHIF SHIF SHIF!

“…”

SCRIBBLE SCRIBBLE!

“pfft! dad…”

Gaster stopped writing and looked up from his clipboard to see his son pointing down at Papyrus, who was staring at him with a smile from the floor. “What?”

“Are you’s gonna finish dat thought, or…?

“Hadn’t planned on it. I figured since you’re sooo much smarter and better than everyone else, you could do it yourself-”

“NYEH!” Papyrus tried the Karma attack on Gaster and failed.

“eeeasy lil’ bro…”

“Hatred is not the key Snas.”

CA-THUNK!

Seeing his father leave the Nursery and shut the door behind him, Papyrus’s whined and plopped down on the floor. “Nyeh-haaaa…Daddy went away…”

“that’s probably cause’ you tried to attack him pap.”

“I’s just trying to learn the Caramel…”

“karma, pappy. it’s called the ‘karma’ attack.”

“Kar-ma…?” Papyrus scratched his skull with a tiny hand, feeling as if he’d heard that word before. “Waz karma Snas? Is popcorn?”

“nope. Those are kernals. ‘karma’ is what happens when you either do good or bad things. If you’re a good person, your karma will be good, but if you’re bad…”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“it *sigh* it’ll be bad pappy. your karma will be bad.”

Could he really not figure that out on his own?

“OOOOHHH! Is soul-glow!”

“soul-glow…?” Now Sans was confused. He hadn’t expected his baby brother to understand what he meant COMPLETELY, but Papyrus had surprised him before with his impressive intellect and “unique” way of thinking. Maybe he had figured out what Gaster meant when he said his integrity played a key role in his attack; Sans certainly hadn’t.

The ability was discovered on accident actually, when he noticed Papyrus about to do something the infant KNEW he wasn’t supposed to be doing…that being climbing on top of their father’s chair and using their computer while it was still online. They were SUPPOSED to wait in the office quietly while their father completed their checkups and put the new information into the computer as the children were no longer allowed in the Medical Ward, possibly due to it being too crowded and idea of allowing his brother into a room full of sick people being the worst one ever. Unfortunately, being impatient to move on to whatever task he had waiting next in line, Gaster had seemingly forgotten to make sure the boys had left the room before him, but no doubt he’d be back once his mistake was realized to yell at his younger sibling.

Lying on the couch and caught between not giving a crap and caring for his little brother, Sans lazily raised a hand and swiped it to the left, pretending to move Papyrus via the psychokinesis he didn’t have.

He did not expect to actually send the baby flying into a cabinet.

“NYEHAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!”

CRAH-THUMP!

The sound of the cabinet doors splintering and his tiny brother’s body thudding against the wooden back from inside, made Sans wince. Any other infant would be either dead or sporting more than a few broken bones, but Papyrus’s baby formula had something in it that made him stronger and more durable than other newborns. Kicking a broken piece of door, he stomped out of the cabinet, scanning the room with his eyes for the oh-so-funny, soon-to-be dead mother FUCKER who thought they could throw him around like Scrappy Doo.

“WHO DID DAT?! WHO DA’ FEEGIN’ HELL DID DAT?!”

“holy cra-bro are you all right?”

“DAT YOU BOO BOO? WHOEVER DID DAT BETTER COME OUT RIGHT NOW OR THEY GONNA DIE!!”

“i doubt it was napstablook pappy.”

Undaunted, Papyrus ignored his older brother and waited patiently for the perpetrator to come out and admit their crime…but nobody came. He looked around the room once more, his confusion turning into concern upon seeing his lie ignored.

The Blook family were music lovers like himself, this he knew. If they weren’t listening to it, they were dancing or creating it, meaning not a single soul in their family tree was deaf. By that logic, the Verbal Font’s audio hypnosis should have worked on them…so why didn’t anyone appear? Where there more ghost monsters in the Underground? Ones Papyrus didn’t know about? Ones that liked to throw babies?

“Nyeh? NAH! NOOOOOO! DADDYYYY!”

BLOOSH!

Papyrus fired his gaster blaster below him as he felt himself began to rise into the air once more. He had HOPED to hit the legs of whoever was attempting to pick him up, but it only resulted in a small crater forming in the office tile.

“NYEHHHHHHAAAAAAHHHH!!!! DADDYYYYY, SAVE DA’ BABY!!”

“heh heh heh heh…”

“IS NOT FUNNY SNAS! GO GET THE SLEEPY WATER AND SAVE THE BABY!”

“you want me to throw a whole bottle of chloroform on you just to-”

“GET DA’ SLEEPY WATERRRRR!!” Screeched the panicked infant, swinging his fists and kicking his tiny legs wildly.

“iiiii dunno bro, that doesn’t sound safe. chloroform is metabolized into trichloro methanol, which metabolizes into phosgene, and that’s toxic-”

“I DON’T CARE ABOUT YO’ STINK SCIENCE!!”

“long term effects of inhalation involve cancer, since chloroform is a confirmed carcinogen verified through multiple epidemiological studies, and i know epidemiology is the study of diseases in animals and humans, but our species is hella close baby bro.”

“SNAS!!”

“i don’t really study epidemiology, but you know how dad gets when you get him talking about fonts and science, apparently virus fonts are super dangerous.”

“…”

“i can’t remember what kind of cancer he said you’d get if i gave you too much chloroform, but regardless, i don’t think you should be anywhere near it anyway to be honest. a human baby, possibly even a baby monster would be dead by now if they were in YOUR uh…feet…pajamas. why’re you looking at me like that?”

“…Why your hand up for so long?” asked the baby bones, eyeing his brother suspiciously.

“what? i exercise.”

“Only yo’ mouth. You do dis?”

“nope.”

Sans put his arm down and Papyrus dropped to the floor.

“NYEH!”

“hey! be careful with my little broth-”

“Shut up Snas, I know is you.”

CA-THINK!

“whaaaat? noooo, that was just coincidence baby bro,” said Sans, watching his father walk into the room. The scientist looked once at the broken cabinet and then at the crater Papyrus had made before fixing his glare on the infant.

“I know when you’s lying big Buther.”

“you don’t think it was coincidence? hmm…maybe i’m being framed. what do you think?”

“I think you’s an asshole.”

“i was asking dad.”

Not that he’ll find this impressive, but maybe the mystery will keep him from yelling about the office damage. Though what I REALLY want is to avoid another computer argument. I know he’s gonna accuse Pappy of something, even though HE’S the one who forgot to log off.

…

…

How DID I do this?

“Sans, what happened?”

“SNAS THROWED THE BABY!”

“SHUT UP PAPYRUS!”

“I highly doubt that.”

“NO, HE DID! HE DID THROW DA’ BABY! SNAS A JEDI!”

“Sans is a what…?”

Speak clearly Papyrus!

“he thinks i threw him into the cabinet even though i didn’t.”

“You really didn’t huh? Well dat’s good big Buther, cause’ if you did, I’d throw you in court! THEN you’d has a reason to raise your hand and lie to eryone…”

“i don’t get it,” said Sans, confused.

“In court they makes you pace yo’ hand on the bib-el and then you raise your other one and-”

“*PFFT!* did you just say ‘bib-el?” He immediately burst out laughing, much to the baby’s annoyance.

“Nyeh? Why you laugh? They not do that no more?”

“It’s pronounced BYE-ble, not ‘bib-el’ Papyrus, and it’s not something you should be reading.”

“Nuh-uh! It’s got the word ‘bib’ in it, so it MUST be for babies! Is the holy book of baes!”

“No.”

“It ’twas written by Jesus and his saints-”

“that part you got right.”

“No, no he didn’t. Moses wrote the Bible Sans. Your brother speaks nonsense as per usual.”

“Nope, it was Jesus all right. Moses made condoms,” said the baby, matter-of-factly.

“Commandments.”

“Condiments.”

“moses invented ketchup?!”

“No child. Papyrus, stop filling your brother’s skull with blather! Our family already has a bad reputation and some people still talk to Sans-”

“Dat’s right big Buther! He turned a whole ocean into ketchup and then made it split apart so he and his peoples could walk across it. Today, is called da’ Red Sea.”

“Shut up Papyrus.”

“cooooool!”

“Yep, he very cool. He from Egypt too, just like da’ baby!”

“Your FONT is from Egypt, YOU are American-”

“Is too bad he not one of Jesus’s saints…least I don’t think he be. I not read the whole bib-el yet and I doesn’t know all the saints. I know there be twelve dough!” The infant tapped his chin thoughtfully as if trying to remember them all.

Not that Sans believed his brother knew a single thing about the Bible or religion in general. Their father said it was a dangerous tool humans used to harm others, including their own species, and that it slowed down scientific progress. Out of curiosity however, Sans paid a visit to the “librarby” to see for himself, having been taught early that taking his family’s word for absolutely anything was usually a poor decision. Pulling it out of the history section, he opened it to find that it was for the most part, unreadable…at least to him, though that word was often used by Sans to describe books he found boring rather than indecipherable.

He could read it all right, but there were too many names and the sentences at times made him feel as if he were having a conversation with Papyrus during one of the baby’s…odd, moments. Those uncomfortable moments where his little brother would cease his baby-talk, sometimes altogether, and suddenly age in personality, speaking to him clearly with an unmistakable air of authority. It made the comedian even more uncomfortable when he spotted the word “Egypt” several times though he was only on page seven of…Genesis 15:2…?

What kind of a name is that for a chapter?

“You don’t know anything about the Bible OR religion!” Gaster’s angry voice pulled Sans from his thoughts. “You live in a place of SCIENCE and I made sure to keep those kinds of books out of here!” exclaimed the scientist.

The Sans Serif, though curious as to what his brother thought of religion, chose not to say anything in this regard. He could understand his father’s concern. He couldn’t read a lot of the book without falling asleep, but what he did read told him that it was a collection of short stories that went either two ways; people obeyed God’s orders and turned out the better for it, or they didn’t and suffered severe consequences. With one of those orders being believe in the book, he could see how people could use the Bible to control others…how people like his brother could use it to control others. All it would take is one dedicated liar to “translate” it for people too lazy to make their own interpretations. His brother could cause a lot of damage and according to Gaster, some people already had.

Were the witch trials real or did Dad make that up?

“The librarby still gots the bib-el! I go there allll the time to get the knowledge, so I be smart when I gets big. I knows more than half the saints now,” replied the baby bones proudly. “There’s St. Nick, also known as Santa…you know him already Snas.”

Sans snickered and turned his attention to Papyrus. “i do? oh yeah! i heard santa clause was called st. nick at one point, i didn’t know he helped write the bible though…”

I don’t think he’s read it.

“bib-el. Yeah, he wrote it with Jesus and even let his widdle buther St. Stephen help too, cause’ he nice like you~”

“santa has a brother?”

“Yep! They twins like us! He born on December twenty-six dough cause’ of com-pli-cations. He liked to hide things in boxes and pay da’ tricks! He take his buther’s toys and when Santa say ‘where my toys be?’ Stephen go, ‘I don’t know big Buther, where DO your toys be?”

RA-CAKCAKCAK!

Sans turned his head to see Gaster pouring a bottle of aspirin onto the office table near the computer. “stephen doesn’t sound very nice bro, ha ha!”

“Nahhh, he just misunderstood. Like da’ baby. You gots to read between the lines Snas! He hide the toys so when Santa forget about them and open a box, he get all surprised and happy! ‘Wowie! I forgot I hads this! Imma pay wit it all day!’ Then sneak Stephen steal the old BORING toys and hide THEM so they seems new in the footure! Is the perfect plan big Buther…”

“is that where santa got the idea of sending gifts to people in boxes pappy?”

“Sure is! All the saints be amazing Snas. St. Patrick the lepperkahn invented the color gween. He wanted the cover of the bib-el to be gween, but Jesus say no cause’ people might drop it in the grass and lose it. Not a lot of roads in the B.C. era ya’ know?”

“b.c?”

“Before Concrete.”

RATTLE!

“you’re not supposed to take that much dad…”

“St. Valentine be the Saint of Sweets. He had fan trouble like Babybop.”

“she’s…she’s not babybop papyrus. i keep telling you, alphys-”

“Unfortunately, they not have pastic surgery in B.C, that came AFTER concrete, A.C.”

“i thought a.c. meant air conditioning?”

“In history it mean After Concrete. They used to use A.D. After Dinosaurs, but lossa stuff came after dinosaurs, so they changed it.”

“ohhh...gotcha.”

Sans smiled at his little brother. Despite how annoying he could be with his constant lying, the comedian did in fact admire his ability to come up with bullshit on the fly. It made him wonder how useful he’d be if Sans ever were to actually get a job as a comedian. Comedians themselves were supposed to tell stories about things that happened to them in life whilst making funny commentary along the way, but HE was stuck under a mountain and had no close friends other than Papyrus and possibly Alphys. What was Sans even supposed to talk about when NOTHING ever happened to him? Being an Insult Comic was out as he only had 1 hp and was stuck seeing the same people probably for the rest of his life, puns were a spur of the moment thing and were meant to amuse the teller rather than the audience, ventriloquism wasn’t fair and wouldn’t work unless he somehow hide his text box…was he really stuck with just talking about his little brother behind his back? It certainly seemed that way.

Unless Papyrus wants to make something up for me. I’m sure he would, he’s so cool. I hope I make enough G to share with him…

“So St. Valentine? He was REAL popular. He create chalk-wit and eryone lost their minds! Too many hunnies for the chalk-wit bunny.”

“he was a rabbit pappy?”

“Nope, he was Aztec. Had a weird name baby can’t say or spell good. Quetzycoat? Quozzy motto? Dunno, but it suck…glad he move away and change it to Valentine. Moved allll the way to Europe where he met St. Peter the soon-to-be Easter Bunny. It was St. Valentine that made it happen big Buther. All the hunnies follow him saying stuff like ‘be mine, Valentine!’ and ‘give me yo’ heart!’ Not good to say to an Aztec Snas, even dough it mean something else in Europe.”

“what does it mean in aztec bro?”

“I want to remove your heart.”

Sans sockets went dark, but he chose not to say anything.

I’ll have to work with Papyrus to make sure his stories aren’t too dark before I use them.

“St. Peter got realll jealous when he saw erybody giving Valentine attention. So what if he made chalk-wit? He not cute like Peter Rabbit! St. Peter was fluffy as hell! Where was Valentine’s fluff? NOWHERE! Where was his cotton ball tail? ABSENT! HE DIDN’T EVEN APPRECIATE!”

“ugh, damn pap chill!” cried the comedian, pressing his hand against one of his earholes, “you’re not auditioning for a movie, take it down a notch…”

“I just wanted you to understand the rabbit Snas…”

“i understand the rabbit baby bro, don’t you worry.”

“Kay’. So you know why St. Peter had to steal his secrets to making chalk-wit and build his own factory in England then.”

“no…?”

“Is cause’ he was JEALOUS Snas! Daz why. Being a rabbit wasn’t good enough anymore, he had to be a CHALK-WIT rabbit. St. Valentine took it the wrong way dough, he see the factory and think ‘ohhhh, I gets it! If people can get chalk-wit at the store, then I won’t be popular no mores and people will go way! Dis rabbit is so nice. Dis rabbit is my friend.’ He told Jesus all about St. Peter and how nice he was and cause’ of him, he got to be a saint! Peter Rabbit was grateful too, he wasn’t a bad bunny. All he wanted was some infection…”

“affection.”

“Yeah that. Defection. He thought Valentine was being forgiving and stuff, so they became best friends. They shared recipes and gotted famous erywhere!”

“aww, well that’s nice-”

“…Then St. Peter died of the Black Plague and erything started all over again.”

“y-yeah that’s pretty much how all of your stories end. i don’t know what i was expecting.”

Need to work on his endings too.

“Don’t worry big Buther, there be a happiness dis time. St. Valentine eventually moved again and changed his name to Willy Wonka and people stopped trying to marry him. No one want the last name Wonka Snas.”

“heh, well when you’re right you’re right. papyrus wonka doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue now does it?”

“…”

“what?”

“Don’t ship the baby Snas.”

“*pfft!*”

“Another saint you might know be St. Michael.”

“And what holiday is he ripped from?” asked Gaster, finishing off the water he’d taken with his aspirin. Sans had forgotten he was even in the room.

“Nyeh?” Papyrus looked confused. “Michael not have a holly-day. You cwazy Daddy, nyeh heh heh!”

“No one here is stupid enough to believe you’re going to just SUDDENLY take this conversation seriously Papyrus. St. Michael might be a real saint, but I know-”

“I’s ALWAYS serious!” exclaimed the infant, interrupting the scientist. “Snas the silly bones, not me! Dis a very serious subject and I’s born to TEACH!”

“That is literally the last thing someone with your font should be doing where religion is concerned.”

“St. Michael and St. Peter were really good friends ya’ know…”

“Don’t you ignore me.”

“They pay basketball together once and saved the world even! He still alive too, even today.”

“is…is he talking about michael jorden?”

“I guarantee you, that’s exactly who he’s talking about.”

“He flies like an eagle.”

“Yep.”

“Yeah! Daddy knows! You watched the docky-mentry right? Where the black human went to da’ center of the earth and-”

“Space Jam was NOT a documentary. It was just a video you happened to find at the Dump. You know, the place I’ve asked you countless times not to go? Admittedly, I didn’t actually watch it as I’m none too fond of guilt films, but the soundtrack alone-”

“th-that wasn’t a ‘guilt film’ dad,” said Sans hiding his face in his hands.

Goddamnit…

“It wasn’t? Are you sure?”

“positive.”

“It wasn’t about a black human attempting to join and fit in with a basketball team comprised of monsters?”

“no.”

“Is about St. Michael helping his rabbit friend ah-scape slavery.”

“So it IS a guilt film.”

“no!”

“Let me guess, the black human was their star player and he was the one to save the day?”

“Yeah!”

“Psh.”

“Erybody wanted to be like Mike, so he gave them some magic water dat made them really good at the basketball.”

“He…gave them something to enhance their performance?”

“it wasn’t drugs dad! it wasn’t even really magic. he was trying to teach them that they had the power to be just as good as him, they just needed to believe in themselves. to put it in a way you’d understand, he used the placebo effect to his advantage.”

“Gazebo?”

“Ah, deceit. Very smart…are you sure Mr. Jordan came up with this? I’m not saying all black humans are unintelligent, but he IS in the sports industry, is he not? You two have amassed quite a collection of discarded sports game videos and upon inspection, I see him playing that particular game a lot. Or at least I think I do.”

Too many shaved heads…why do they have to have shaved heads AND matching uniforms? I may as well be watching my own people…

“maybe…? i don’t actually know. pappy and i usually take the video out as soon as we see it’s another taped sports game,” replied Sans, frowning. It really was disappointing to find a video in good condition, only to realize later that it was just another boring tape of a sport they couldn’t play. Even if the boys knew the rules, the Underground didn’t have many if any big open areas where they could play “basketball” or “football.” Whatever ball they used would just go bouncing off the walls of the caverns or sail into the void/water depending on where they were.

It’s too bad, I bet Undyne would love to play one of these.

Usually when he and his brother found one of these tapes, they’d chuck it into the Boring Corner, a place filled with fitness magazines, letters they had opened that ended up containing junk mail advertising things they didn’t understand, and CDs/records/cassettes Papyrus had SOMEHOW restored and found he didn’t particularly enjoy the content of.

“heh heh heh…”

“What’s so funny big Buther?” asked the baby bones smiling.

“cupcakke.”

The infant’s smile disappeared.

“For once, I’m proud of you two. The sports industry is a money-sucking trash heap of wasted potential. So many of these individuals could have been doctors, teachers, law enforcement, scientists like myself, but they chose a career in playing games that should have been left behind in high school. Disgusting.”

“…I wish to learn how to pay the basketball now.”

“Why, because I specifically asked you not to? Why do you want to intentionally cause trouble?”

“Teach me how to dunkin doughnut.”

Sans giggled, “you wanna learn how to dunk pappy?”

He raised his hand.

“Nyeh?! NO! DADDY, DAAADY! HE DOING IT AGAIN! SNAS USING DA’ FORAAAAAHHHH!!!”

THUNK!

CRISH!

Papyrus sailed into the nearby wall and fell into the wastebin overflowing with papers.

“Excellent control Sans.”

“SCU YOU BABY-ABOOZER! YOU NOT FUNNAAHHHH!!” The enraged baby bones thrashed wildly around in the basket, kicking his legs in an attempt to get out. “IMMA SCRIBBLE IN YO’ BOOKS SNAS! SEE HOW GOOD YOU BE AT WITCHCRAFT THEN!!”

“How DID you manage to do that?”

“IT WAS THE DEVIL! THE DEVIL HELP SNAS!”

“i dunno, i just sorta, did it…i saw pap doing something bad and i accidentally flung him while i was pretending to move him…with my mind,” explained Sans, embarrassed. He knew though, that if he wanted an answer himself, he needed to give as many details as possible.

“Hmm, I see.” Gaster attempted to pull Papyrus out of the wastebin using the same method he’d seen Sans use, but failed. He then tried to use it on the comedian himself, but it also had no result. “Huh, that’s VERY interesting. Moving your brother around as you would an ordinary bone attack, in theory, would mean that almost any skeleton could do the same, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.”

“uhh, we aren’t doing anything wrong dad.”

“You are. Your brother knows he can pull himself out with his wingdings, he’s pretending to be stuck and in turn choosing to be dramatic, attention-seeking, and disruptive. YOU are supposed to be looking after your brother, but instead of helping him out of the wastebin, you’re currently speaking to me. You’re BOTH doing something wrong.” Gaster tried one more time to move both boys. “But it seems even when you’re fully aware of your wrongdoings, this karma-induced attack can’t be done, not by my font at least, or perhaps it has something to do with the soul…PAPYRUS!”

“NYEH!” The baby bones jolted in surprise and tumbled forward, rolling out of the basket in a somersault before coming to a halt at his father’s feet. “Nn…what you want stink Daddy who doesn’t help da’ baby?” asked Papyrus smiling and holding his toes.

“You’re full attention. You are a large part of Sans, so surely you too could perform-”

“IMMA LEARN WITCHCRAFT?!”

“That was NOT your full attention.”

“IMMA LEARN WITCHCRAFT!” The baby bounced up and down excitedly, obviously not hearing his father. “Teach me da’ force big Buther and I will spare yo’ books.”

“*sigh*”

Three hours…that was three hours ago.

“three hours and we didn’t get any answers whatsoever.”

“Hey, dat sounds like me Snas!”

“huh?” Looking down, the young skeleton cringed upon realizing he had spaced out again. “sorry baby bro,” he said, giving his brother an apologetic hug. “i swear i don’t do this on purpose, i really am trying to listen, what’d i miss?”

“You asked about the soul-glow and I say is karma. Karma make your soul really bright and stuff so when you die, God go ‘Ooooh! That’s a pretty soul right there! I wants to add it to my collection’ and then he take you to Heaven and puts you on his shelf.”

“*pfft!* is that right? is that how you get into heaven pappy?”

“Yep! Daz why you gots to be good, so you can be part of the Lord’s house! He gots the coolest house ever big Buther. ERYTHING glow in the dark there! He gots souls floating in lava lamps, he gots souls floating in his waterbed, he even gots souls in his floor Snas! His floor be tiled glass and underneath the glass be a special soul that lights up each widdle square-”

“you’re talking about an LED floor.”

“Yeah-huh.”

“a disco floor.”

“Yep, and If you’re reallll good, like, da’ bestest person ever, you get to be his night light.” The little Horror said this like it was the most amazing thing in the world, then looked around the office in apparent confusion. His daddy slept here all the time, so where was HIS nightlight? Did he use the glow of his computer?

“why are you making him sound like a 70s buff?” asked Sans, interrupting the baby’s train of thought.

“Cause’ he is! I readed it in da’ bib-el.” Crawling towards the bookshelf with the still broken cabinets, Papyrus took out the book, hidden in plain view amongst old tomes Gaster had long since read and forgotten about. The baby would have to remember to hide it again somewhere else later, less his daddy see it while fixing the doors.

“i HIGHLY doubt that’s in there.”

“Nope, it is! Is all true Snas! The Lord all about peace! Hugs not guns, compassion’s in fashion, make love not war, he ALL about the 70s.”

His brother frowned, though he was more worried than annoyed. There were some sensitive people out there and some who were just plain awful when it came to THIS particular topic. He remembered after reading, going to several people to ask for more information and being met with criticism for not reading the whole thing himself, and lectures from monsters about certain passages when all he wanted was a translation. There were even a few who got angry at him for certain questions.

“…a mountain of fire and smoke’ that sounds like a volcano. maybe this really did happen-”

“It did!” said a monster enthusiastically, carrying a bag of groceries from Snowdin. “God stood atop the mountain in the ten commandments story and introduced himself, but it frightened the people down below.”

Suddenly, they jumped upon hearing loud laughter erupt from the child.

“hahahahaha!” The comedian leaned forward, almost spilling the contents of the bag he was helping to carry as the monster gave him an irritated look. “What’s so funny?”

“you probably don’t know what a wrestler is, me and my bro have only seen them on old human videos, but they use pyrotechnics to introduce themselves before a match. it sounds like god was trying to use the volcano to look cool and it backfired, hahaha!”

“GOD WASN’T USING PYROTECHNICS!” shouted the monster, completely offended. “That’s ridiculous! He doesn’t HAVE to try to look cool! HE IS COOL!”

“hey, relax, chill! i’m not saying he isn’t cool, i’m just saying he made a funny mistake. to be honest, it makes him seem more real-”

“GOD DOESN’T MAKE MISTAKES! THAT WASN’T A VOLCANO!”

“then why’d he tell everyone not to come near him? volcanos are deadly, it’d make more sense for him to wanna protect his kids right?”

“Looord, give me the STRENGTH not to smack this skeletal child…!”

Sans had stopped asking questions after that.

It just didn’t seem safe, and it wasn’t safe for Papyrus either.

I can’t let Pappy go around saying the things he’s saying near other people. They aren’t going to CARE that he’s just a baby who doesn’t know any better.

He doesn’t, right?

“you know if some people hear you saying this outside the lab, they’re gonna get upset right, bro?”

“No they won’t!”

“oh no?”

“No. They’s gonna be happy to hear me! People listen and they probly think ‘Wowie! That baby sure is informed about our Lord and savior! If he read the bib-el then he can’t be ALL bad, the bib-el teaches you how to be good! I should be this baby’s friend cause’ they probably a good person.”

“that’s…that’s not what’s going to happen pappy. you’re going to get yelled at.”

“Dat’s why I needs to learn the force big Buther!”

“n-”

“So I can defends myself.”

“…you have enough power papyrus, in fact, you’re OVERpowered, heh heh…”

“…”

“get it? overpowered with pow-”

“I doesn’t get it and I doesn’t WANT to get it. Sides’ Chara say you can never have enough power Snas.”

“isn’t your friend dead though? maybe you shouldn’t be taking life advice from the dead baby bro. just a thought.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“…i’m sorry, that was mean-”

Papyrus pushed the Bible towards Sans with his foot. “You need Jesus big Buther.”

The book ended up back at the library.

[lostinthelightss]

literal chaos fire (ch.2)

amazing banner by @downn-in-flames​ / down-in-flames@FFT

find it elsewhere: fft | ao3 | ff.net | hpff learn more: chaos universe link to other chapters: 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 link to missing moments: 5.5, 7.5, 8.5, 15.5

pairing: Lily Luna Potter / OC genre: AU, Humor, Romance rating: mature audiences

summary:

Victoire Weasley is a masters student in infectious diseases handling a devastating break up with her girlfriend of two years. Lily Potter is a first year law student navigating a figurative minefield that is the star quarterback’s unrequited affection. Molly Weasley is pursuing her bachelors in engineering while pining over her best friend - who doesn’t seem to realize it.

Three women, three vastly different lives, all coming together with group chats, family dinners, and a whole lot of chaos.

chapter summary:

IckyVicky: uve always been my least fav sisster

dominatrix: im your only sister

loulou: does that mean i'm the favourite sister now?

SEPTEMBER 18TH, 2021

‘the dopest house' (foxyroxy, freddieboy, jamesanator, moollywoobbles, rose) 12:33am

freddieboy: @rose freddieboy: stop fucking your bf and come hang out with ussssss

jamesanator: we got home early so we're playing Kings in the living room

foxyroxy: translation - james got kicked out of the bar but they don't want the night to end

moollywoobbles: to be fair moollywoobbles: he was defending my honor

foxyroxy: he bitch slapped one of the bouncers foxyroxy: he's not allowed back at the bar foxyroxy: EVER

freddieboy: ROSSSEEEEE

moollywoobbles: he bitch slapped one of the bouncers FOR ME

freddieboy: ROOOOOSSSSIIIIIIEEEEE freddieboy: come out come out and plaaaayyyyyy

rose: if we play a few rounds will you let us go back to sleep?

freddieboy: YAAAASSSSSS

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‘literal chaos fire' (lawyerlilz, Mollz, VickyBaby) 2:57am

Mollz: freed nd james made rosse and malfiy play kngs wit hus Mollz: im so lonely Mollz: why dosnt he love me baxk?

lawyerlilz: prbably becuz hes not interestd lawyerlilz: whyyyyyy doesnt  lawyerlilz: why doestn flynn leave me aloooone lawyerlilz: i dont caere

VickyBaby: teddy left me VickyBaby: for *America*

Mollz: xander will nev er love me

lawyerlilz: flynnnn keeeeps texting me lawyerlilz: phone shut up

VickyBaby: america dsoent evn have me

lawyerlilz: oh wait tthe buzzing it you guys

VickyBaby: i bet it has prettier girls

Mollz: vicster, u so pretty tho Mollz: sooooo preeeetty

Molly Weasley changed Victoire Weasley's name to preeeeetty laaaadyyyy.

lawyerlilz: so pretty

preeeeetty laaaadyyyy: i love you gus

Mollz: imma text him

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(mollawalla, xanderbander) 3:23am

mollawalla: im v intoxicated mollawalla: r u awake????? mollawalla: lysaaaaaaander mollawalla: lyyyyysaaaaaanderrrrr mollawalla: loveeee you mollawalla: im never dirnking agin

8:04am

xanderbander: yeah, you say that every week xanderbander: we're still on for lunch right? xanderbander: assignment is due on monday

11:46am

mollawalla: my head is kiiiiilling me mollawalla: im never drinking again!!!

xanderbander: pick you up in 5?

mollawalla: ugh fine mollawalla: i hate you

xanderbander: love you too molla, see you in a few

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‘literal chaos fire' (lawyerlilz, Mollz, VickyBaby) 11:48am

Mollz: shit i messaged him last night Mollz: why didn't you guys stop me? Mollz: god, im never drinking again

12:05pm

lawyerlilz: i would've, but at some point i ended up on my bathroom floor and everything's a blur after that lawyerlilz: don't u have sat lunch with him?

12:24pm 

preeeeetty laaaadyyyy: fuuuuuck preeeeetty laaaadyyyy: i called Teddy 8 times last night preeeeetty laaaadyyyy: wtf did i say??? preeeeetty laaaadyyyy: and wtf is this name?????

Victoire Weasley changed her nickname to VckyBaby.

VckyBaby: shit

Victoire Weasley changed her nickname to VickyBaby.

lawyerlilz: hungover?

VickyBaby: as fuck... VickyBaby: god, what did i say?

lawyerlilz: im so glad i have no one to drunk dial

Mollz: im jealous Mollz: i cant stop freaking out Mollz: i told him i loved him last night

lawyerlilz: WHAT?!?!

VickyBaby: WHAT???

Mollz: yeah, and he said it this morning

lawyerlilz: that's a good thing though

VickyBaby: yeah, you want them to say it back

Mollz: Attachment: 1 Image

VickyBaby: oh...  VickyBaby: not like that...

lawyerlilz: but that's good? lawyerlilz: doesn't that mean he doesn't realize what you meant? lawyerlilz: so your secret's safe!

Mollz: but what if he figured it out Mollz: and is just pretending not to realize Mollz: because he hates the idea of us being together Mollz: but doesn't want to crush my heart and soul Mollz: and still wants a study partner

lawyerlilz: alright, that would suck

VickyBaby: if he hasn't realized that you've been in love with him since first year? VickyBaby: he definitely didn't figure it out last night

Mollz: okay, he's coming back to the table, i'm going MIA

VickyBaby: keep us updated!

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(Lily Potter, Victoire Weasley) 12:32pm

Lily: so how you gonna figure out what you said in your calls to Teddy?

Victoire: I was thinking of just blocking her number and getting over it Victoire: doesnt really matter since she's leaving soon

Lily: but what if she wants to get back together?

Victoire: she's going across an ocean Victoire: and honestly, i dont think i ever want to get back together with her

Lily: why? Lily: i thought you guys were doing good?

Victoire: we were... Victoire: i think? Victoire: idk, it felt off near the end

Lily: off like...?

Victoire: i found out she was cheating Victoire: that's why im worried about the calls Victoire: DONT TELL MOLLY Victoire: she'll definitely try and key her car

Lily: yeah, if i dont first Lily: why didnt you tell us?

Victoire: ... Victoire: idk

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Lily Potter, Molly Weasley) 2:43pm

Lily: im bringing vic over tonight Lily: teddy cheated on her

Molly: IM GONNA KEY HER CAR

Lily: NO Lily: she specifically told me not to tell you for this exact reason Lily: so let her get a little drunk and tell you on her own time

Molly: fine Molly: but im guilting rose and roxanne into this Molly: she needs family Molly: and if i tell rose she'll bake cookies

Lily: smart

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Teddy Lupin, Victoire Weasley) 9:34pm 

Teddy: hey

Victoire: ... hey

Teddy: i miss you Teddy: i saw you called last night but didn't leave any messages... Teddy: and i realized i missed your voice Teddy: maybe we should see if... Teddy: idk Teddy: we could do long distance?

Victoire: this is vicky's cousin Victoire: fuck yuo, you cheating bitch

Teddy: I'm sorry?

Victoire: we knoooooooow that you were fucking the TA for your ethcds and amnil science course Victoire: showww ur face at any family gatherins an ill key ur car

Teddy: Molly, please give the phone to vic

Victoire Weasley has blocked Teddy Lupin.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

‘wotter you doing' (albie, dominatrix, foxyroxy, FRAD, huggies, IckyVicky, jamisson, Lillylolz, loulou, LucyGoose, mollzerati, rose) 9:49pm

mollzerati: new famly policy mollzerati: teddy lupin iss shoot one sight

Lillylolz: that fuxking bitch

IckyVicky: cheating fuckxing birhc

mollzerati: FUUUUUCKIGN BITCH

albie: how did they all manage to misspell ‘fucking', all in different ways? albie: also wtf?

jamisson: from what i can gather from the drunk mess that is my living room jamisson: teddy cheated on vic jamisson: so now we all hate her

dominatrix: but i like teddy dominatrix: are you sure about the cheating? dominatrix: she doesn't seem like the type

IckyVicky: uve always been my least fav sisster

dominatrix: im your only sister

loulou: does that mean i'm the favourite sister now?

rose: that bitch ,,, teddyd

huggies: rose??

jamisson: oh yeah, they guilted rose into the pity party jamisson: @foxyroxy too but fred took her phone so she wouldn't drunk call their parents

FRAD: WHEN DID WE BECOME THE RESPONSIBLE ONES???

LucyGoose: this family is a fuxking disaster LucyGoose: FUCK

[shadowofthelamp]

Together Alone liveblog

The instrument when we open on the Diamond’s ships... I can’t tell exactly what it is, but it’s a woodwind. I like it.

Aww, Steven’s teaching himself to juggle. Another thing he WANTS to share with his mom because he thinks it’s neat.

WAIT IS THAT WHITE PEARL IS PINK PEARL CONFIRMED RIGHT OFF THE BAT? This has to be a dream sequence.

With the landing, his pose, and the way his feet look, this weirdly reminds me of Peanuts.

D’aww, the little kiss, how cute.

I like the little piano music. With Yellow being all like that, definitely a dream sequence. He did always connect best with her memories through dreams after all.

Oh, so Pink saw Yellow as omnipresent but still not much of a threat as Yellow still smiled and pulled back. Huh.

Oh, yep, this is the dream sequence with the coughing up hair. Lovely. It goes from silly and sweet to terrifying and off in a heartbeat.

Aww, Connie’s so cute with bedhead.

Damn, his chair is TINY. Okay, granted, PINK was tiny but still. At least lift it off the floor a bit. White’s is barely bigger than Yellow and Blue’s. Wouldn’t her feet be in Pink’s face?

Okay, there’s GOTTA be a catch for Yellow agreeing so fast.

KITTY FACE YELLOW PEARL

I know some people were hoping they’d keep the pink lasagna joke buuut I think it would have worn thin real fast, glad they didn’t.

Huh, surprised they didn’t go back to Steven’s room. Oh man, never mind, that chair’s bigger than I thought. I know Pink was a fair bit bigger than Steven but it had to be huge even on her.

Huh. Yellow Pearl almost sounded like old Peridot with ‘impeccable judgement of White Diamond.’ It seems all gems admire White above all, except for the Diamonds who have to deal with her occasionally.

It’s interesting they always use ‘silly’. Never dumb, always implying he’s being the way he is on purpose.

No dancing, huh... so no possible accidental fusion? Or maybe there could be fusion like the 3-ruby one as a show of graceful power.

‘What is... fun?’ *spongebob voice* HERE LEMME SPELL IT FOR YA

Pffft, I just noticed Yellow Pearl’s little hair spike down the middle of her forehead is almost shaped like a diamond. Also Blue Pearl’s hair makes her look like one of those really shaggy dogs.

The little discordant note before ‘I don’t think we do that here.’ Also no real reaction from Blue Pearl, but Yellow Pearl looks VERY on edge.

CALLED BLUE PEARL WAS GOING TO BE THE FIRST TO BREAK A LITTLE, she’s spent more relative time with Steven as she heard him complaining about the other Diamonds on the way to see Blue Diamond.

Bellow pearl artists FEAST upon that ‘not bad’, and how casual Yellow is about ‘try a different angle’ showing they’re very comfy with each other.

Ooooh, shit. Blue’s back. Steven can just infect people with joy. That’s his real power.

Ah, and here comes the asshole we saw from the trailer.

Okay, yeah, I get why she wouldn’t want the Earth court there but... does Pink even HAVE a court left? All of her gems were reassigned- we know Yellow got Jasper and Blue got the Amethysts for the Zoo.

Blue’s FACE.

I’m honestly surprised none of them called out Garnet before.

Steven: GARNET’S LEG SHALL COMFORT ME

‘I’ll change everything.’ Keeeep thinking that kiddo.

I wonder what the cog-gems are and what they’re for. They’re blue and orange, I wonder if Yellow and Blue just lent some of their gems to him until his court is built up again?

I’d imagine talking out of turn isn’t a good look on a Diamond’s pearl, Pearl.

Huh. Amethyst looks good with limb enhancers.

Oooh geez getting up was a bad idea, YOU CAN TALK TO HER LATER.

Ten to one everybody’s staring at them.

MORE RUBY AND SAPPHIRE DESIGNS, and ooh yeah Ruby’s gem is in the right place so it’s probably ours.

Ooh, the other Diamonds weren’t here yet. That’s good.

Aww, a little character from some of the extra homeworld gems, nice to see, nice to see.

“Prepare yourself emotionally... because I’ve become completely numb having been at her side for thousands of years...”

Oooooh boy, so this is the episode with White Pearl making That Face, from the sickly smile. Yikes. Also it’s still freaky hearing a non-Pearl voice coming from her.

Having the ‘pet’ on the same chair as a diamond... bet that’s gonna then some heads at least.

‘She’s not her’ HER PEARL IS CLEARLY LINKED TO HER AND WILL AT LEAST REPORT BACK

THIS IS A BAD IDEA THIS IS SUCH A BAD IDEA

CONNIE YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW BAD OF AN IDEA THIS IS YOU’RE THE SMART ONE YOU KNOW YOU TWO FUSE WHEN YOU DANCE

Yup, there’s the face. Why aren’t the other Diamonds interfering?

Okay, as catastrophic as this is, Stevonnie does look adorable in Pink’s clothes.

OPAL, OPAL, OPAL

D’AW I LOVE THAT NEW FUSION, they’re probably dead but STILL

And oh geez, this is gonna be awful for next week, Connie’s going to feel so guilty.

[peaches-of-1]

Improvised Kiss

To the anon that requested this. Bruh, this was hard to write because I kept getting blocked. I’m sorry it took so long. I don’t even know if you’re still following me. If so, thanks a million!

Choreographer!Hoseok x Female!Reader

It was a very stressful day. Everyone knew that in two weeks, this show would open and people would come in through those doors. It was stressful because there were still two numbers that had not yet been choreographed. Adding onto that, those were both the huge ensemble dances . So many people had life get in the way, and new people came in to replace them.

Today was the worst. The lead had dropped out, and you were her understudy since an hour ago. She was apparently offended to have an understudy, so she dropped out. You were now the lead. Your first reaction was “oh fuck”

This was your first time ever being a part of community theatre, so all you could do was your best. The person playing Curly was named Taehyung, and he was nice. Ado Annie was a cutie named Sana, and Will was this boy Jungkook. Director Namjoon made sure you were ok before continuing with the show. It was a run from the top to get you acquainted with everything.

Script in hand, you read lines and tried to do your most country of accents. When it was time for music, you sang and hummed along as best you could. The cast seemed to be more relaxed by the time intermission came along. You didn’t have the 10 minute break to yourself. You had to meet a redheaded man named Hoseok.

“Call me Hobi.” He said as he reached his hand out towards you.

You shook it and introduced yourself as Miss Williams. He laughed and said that he would become very close with you in the upcoming weeks since you had to catch up to where the others were when it came to dances.

You nodded, “Yeah, I know. Lookin’ forward to it.”

The next day, you and Hobi stayed late after practice since it was a Friday and you didn’t work on many scenes today. It was mostly the comedic character scenes today, so you worked on homework. Only every other light was one to save power. It was the ballet scene, and you weren’t that light on your feet.

Hobi did his best to guide you to do just enough of the basic steps without a bar in sight. Instead, you had you hold his arm. This Ballet scene would have partner work, but your partner was currently sick. He’d get better in time, though. He promised.

You gripped Hoseok’s arm as you got onto your tip toes several times and squatted down as instructed. It was not natural for you, so you fell one time while standing up and screamed! You thought you were gonna fall off the edge of the stage.

Instead, you were nestled in a pair of arms, and a supportive voice entered your ear, “I’ve got you. Don’t worry.”

Looking up, you saw Hoseok smiling at you. Instinctively, you jumped back. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry.”

“You’re not a prima ballerina, so what? I’m going to train you so that you can at least act like one for a couple of minutes.”

“I can’t, Hobi. I’m gonna fall flat on my face and then get trampled on by pale slippers”

He laughed, “It’s my job to make sure that doesn’t happen. Do you want to work on something else?”

You nodded, deciding it would be better for the both of you to work on some other scene instead of being constatly frustrated in yourself at this. You said that hadn’t gotten to work on “People Will Say We’re in Love” the reprise version, and your Curly was supposed to held you off of a bench and spin you.

“Ok, we’ll practice the catch and find out what’s comfortable for you. Then whenever Curly comes tomorrow, we can work on it with him.”

You both got up on the bench and Hobi asked where to start from.

“It’s Curly, saying ‘Who keers what happens now?’ and then I say ‘just keep your hand in mine’ while he steps down. Then he’s supposed to grab my hand and I jump into his other arm.”

“That’s dumb and unsafe.” Hoseok cut you off. “I’m sorry for interrupting, but that’s not a good idea. Who said it was?”

You raised your brows, “Our director.”

He nodded, “Alright. So I’m gonna change this a bit. We’re gonna be on the bench, and I scream ‘LAURIE WILLIAMS IS MY GIRL!”

“Hush, they’re gonna hear you all the way to Kantoozie”

“Ah, let ‘em!” Then he steps down and lifts you up into a princess hold. “Who keers what happens now.” Hobi then sets you down.

“Just keeeep your hand in mine~ Your hand feels so grand in mine.”

And you sung together as the script called, and he swung you around like those cheesy movies where falling down in a field together just HAD to happen. It was different, though. He wasn’t a fantastic singer, but he really tried. Hobi’s voice was just so unique and then you kissed him. Or he kissed you.

You don’t remember, but you do remember gathering your things after running of stage and telling him you’d see him next practice. Wow, you just kissed your choreographer.

[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz 02.08.17 lb

fiesty wife isn’t scared of billu and his tactics anymore. 🙄🙄🙄

ohhhhhhhhhhh boy. shivaay was so inspired by rudy’s little handcuffs waala mishap that he got these installed at his headboard too. 😳😳😳

god, please don’t ever get them removed. this could make for some verrrrrrrrrrrry kinky sex. 😏😏😏

literally me right now: 

did he drop the key on purpose???? either way, this man has fucking lost his marbles. 😟😟😟

oh boyyyyyyyyy. angry, grabby!kara. 😬😬😬

ok good. glad you cleared that up, om. now she can leave in peace. 😑😑😑

the editing and transition in scenes is hella abrupt and giving me whiplash bruh. 😖😖😖

honestly rudra, what will it take for you to leave the girl alone???? 😒😒😒

lol om’s like “good, i was just pretending to care about your problems anyway. like i always do.” 

whut, om doesn’t like sugar? great. there goes my dream of a being happily married to him. i can’t marry a fucking freak who doesn’t like sugar. 😟😟😟

rudra: log shaadi kyun karte hai? om: yeh toh tujhe pata hona chahiye. tune toh do do kiye hai. ek nashe mein ASLI, aur ab ek majboori mein nakli. 

OMFG THEY REFERENCED THE SUMO WAALA SHAADI. 😧😧😧😧😧😧 AND CALLED IT THE ASLI ONE. DUDE LIKE DON’T EVEN FUCK WITH MY FEELINGS LIKE THIS....

WHAT IS THIS, A BIG FUCKING JOKE TO YOU FUCKING WRITERS?!?!?! 😡😡😡

bs misogyny waala bonding. fuck you idiots. 😑😑😑

this fucking idiot and his fucking aloo puri plan. honestly. 🙄🙄🙄

IF YOU KNOW THAT THEY KNOW, THEN WHY DON’T YOU JUST BEAT IT OUTTA YOUR FUCKING BROTHERS, INSTEAD OF HANDCUFFING YOUR WIFE. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, MAN?????? 😧😧😧

snort. good that shivaay knows that when it comes to picking between the two, devar squad always picks bhaabi. apni aukaat yaad rakh, billu. 😆😆😆

OH HO RUDRA. IS LADKE KE PET MEIN KUCH BHI NAHI REHTA. 😣😣😣

billu’s sooooooooo matter of fact now that he knows how things stand. this is his businessman of the year side. 😐😐😐

oh yes, my girl is free! FLY ANIKA, FLYYYYYYYYY. 🕊🕊🕊

.... so do they just keeeep weed around the house in case they need to interrogate stubborn wives or........ 🤔🤔🤔

who am i kidding, he obviously took some from omki’s stash. you CANNOT convince me that om doesn’t 420 blaze it.  🚬 🚬 🚬 

YES, MY GIRL KNOWS. YES. THANK GOD. THIS WAS GETTING VERY DATE-RAPEY. 😕😕😕

lmao she’s gonna fuckkkkkkkkk. himm. upppppppp. 😈😈😈

WHY AREN’T HIS FUCKING BROTHERS STOPPING HIMMMM FROM BEING SUCH A CREEEEEEEEEEP? 😫😫😫

"i also don’t want to hurt you, anika.”

yeah i’d believe that, if you weren’t SUCH A FUCKING PSYCHOPATH WHO HANDCUFFED HER AND IS TRYING TO DRUG HER WITHOUT HER KNOWLEDGE. 😒😒😒

pretending aside, i’d have given him extra hell for losing the fucking key. like seriously. fuck him. 😤😤😤

NO DON’T PLAY ROMANTIC MUSIC FOR THIS. 😡😡😡

side eyeing him majorly for blaming her “zidd” for “making him do this”. fucking creep. 😠😠😠

ok feeling the feelz for him fussing over her bruises. ugh i hate himmmmmmm for making me love him. FUCK MY STUPID HEART FOR OVERRIDING MY SMART BRAIN. 😫😫😫

aaaaaaaaand, i have officially started crying. the flashbacks did me in. god, what an awful day that was. 😪😪😪

“kyun hua yeh sab?” 😥😥😥

oh god my heart. my poor broken heart. the way he asked that. 😭😭😭

“TUMHE mujhpe bharosa nahi tha. kuch baat thi, toh baat karni thi mujhse. koshish toh karti.”

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. 😢😢😢

don’t think i didn’t notice anika being distracted and just staring at his mouth, not paying attn to a single angsty thing he was saying. 😏😏😏

sudden switch to comedy. oufffffff. 😣😣😣

LMAOOOOOOOOOOO HER FACE AS SHE FUCKS HIM OVER. I LOVE HER SOOOOOO MUCH. 😂😂😂

oh idiot billu. stupidly smug fucking idiot. 😗😗😗

..... aaaaaaaaaaaaaand....

yup. high as a fucking kite. fucking idiot. 🙄🙄🙄

looks like a good couple bonding experience though. 😆😆😆

lmao, this is surbhi laughing for real at nakuul being a dork. so fucking cute. 😂😂😂

oh god. naach gaana. fwding. 

.... is this real or the hallucinations of billu’s drugged out mind? 🤔🤔🤔

ok real. i think. god, don’t make me go back and watch the fucking song and dance. 😒😒😒

i’m just assuming it’s real for now. 

aw man. my heart. they missed each other sooooooo much. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

siiiiiiiiigh, look at his open and earnest expression when he’s asking her. 

“sab kuch sahi tha. hum kitne khush the... main tumse shaadi karne waala tha... uske baad hum live happily ever after hone waale the. tumhaari hindi picturon mein dikhate hai na?” 

oh my heart. i caaaaaaaaan’t. 😭😭😭😭😭

i hate that nakuul makes his “drunk/high” voice so high pitched. like... his shivaay voice is deeper than his actual voice, and this is just tooooo high pitched. he’s currently squealing “kyunnnnnn” at a frequency only bats can hear. 😣😣😣

ohhhhhhhhhh boy. part 1 of the truth is out. 😬😬😬

PLEASE TELL ME SHIVAAY HAS CAMERAS IN THIS ROOM OR SOME SHIT AND IS RECORDING THIS COZ 1000% HIS HIGH ASS ISN’T GOING TO REMEMBER THIS. 😣😣😣

oh ho, KASAM waala nonsense. since when does SHIVAAY believe in KASAMs? 🤔🤔🤔

billllu, tum NAHIIII sambhaaal paoge. ouff. just... man why can’t you just be like a normal stoner and get the munchies. no, you have to be the PARANOID type of stoner. 😒😒😒

i regret this. i regret this so much. take me back to 3 seconds ago, when i didn’t know the sach. 😐😐😐

OK STOP WITH THE EKTA TYPE EDITING. MY HEAD. 😖😖😖

yup. she broke him. like those cats when you put something on their foreheads and they just... 

oh noooooooooo. ho gaya shuru nakuul ki ghatiya acting. i fully knew he’d be doing this in this scene and ruining it for me. goddddddd, why??? and how can he be good at CRYING (the toughest part of acting) and so bad at the voice modulation and dialogue. ouffffffff. 😑😑😑

“aapki khushi ke liye main aapki kya, puri duniya ki nafrat seh sakti hoon.” “MERI KHUSHI TUMHARE SAATH HAI, ANIKA! MERI KHUSHI TUMHARE SAATH HAI! TUM JAANTI HO NA YEH???” 

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

... why is she telling him all this now though? in confidence that he’ll forget coz he’s high? but he’s the kind who remembers. he remembered after the #shiTia party. he didn’t really forget anything after the berries in the jungle either. soooooo...... 😕😕😕

oh boy. he’s fixating on the khoon now. 😶😶😶

bruh, why can’t you think of a positive? YOU GET ONE MORE OF YOUR FAVOURITE THING IN THE WHOLE WORLD: A BROTHER!!!!!! 😊😊😊

“sab ko pata tha. sivaiii mere. sab ko pata tha.” 

yuuuuuuuuup. 😐😐😐

oh wow, he’s now remembering the daimaa convo and things are clicking. see anika? still remembers things when high. your reveal strategy is so... weird and random. 😕😕😕

... aaaand his guilt has kicked in. this is a LOT of feelings for a man to handle SOBER, let alone high. 😬😬😬

aw. he’s apologizing. siiiigh. this is the one time that SHE should be the one apologizing though. he wasn’t reaaaallly at fault. other than of being a hot headed asshole. but she knew that about him and used it and instigated him to the max. 😒😒😒

... he fell asleep, didn’t he? 😒😒😒

..... yup. that some dank weed, bro. 

how did she carry him from the pool to the bed? please show us that!!!!!!!!!!! 😧😧😧 

is anika wonder woman in disguise? 🤔🤔🤔

at least cuddle with himmmm, girl. come onnnnnn. 😙😙😙

meanwhile idhar bulbul is in a crisis of her own. 😔😔😔

is bhavya even fucking listening???? all signs point to no. 😒😒😒

... you never really talked about anything though? i mean, not to defend him, but how would his misunderstandings magically disappearing without any clarification? 😕😕😕

i’m not really digging this bhavya’s new style of denim jackets over kurtas. i like the concept, but the jackets chosen are all so wrong and ill-fitting! 😫😫😫

... ALL THE WOMEN IN THIS SHOW DESERVE BETTER THAN THE STUPIDASS MEN THEY’RE SADDLED WITH. ALL. OF. THEM. 😠😠😠

except tia. she got a good one. tia + dobin 4eva! 💘💘💘

lmao wait whut... has jhanvi locked herself inside a cupboard???? 😐😐😐

lololol svetlana’s exasperation on having to put up with jhanvi’s crazy. 😂😂😂 imagine. svetlana is like 98% cray cray herself. even she can’t take this. 

has jhanvi just... moved to svetlana’s???? 

really om????? after what you said, you expect her to still be around here? you’re such a daft prick, is2g. 🙄🙄🙄

really? they can’t eat without their girls??????? 🤔🤔🤔

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAS. THE GIRLS RAN AWAY (TOGETHER???) YAS YAS YAS. THIS IS THE BEST THING EVERRRRRRRR. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

lmaooooooo svetlana and jhanvi are getting massages together. MAN I LOVE SVETLANA SHE SEEMS LIKE THE COOLEST FUCKING GIRLFRIEND TO HAVE. 😍😍😍

um... WAIT WHAT? 😧😧😧

oh pfffffffffffffft. 😑😑😑

today’s surety that this is a tejLana plan to drive J mad: 92% 

BUT LOOK AT MY MURDER GIRLFRIENDS! 😍😍😍

time for bs alpha male posturing and pretending that all iz well. 🙄🙄🙄

YUP. THEY LEFT YOUR UNWORTHY ASSES. ABOUT FUCKING TIME. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

great. he doesn’t remember. wants to do the whole drama again. ouff billllllllllllu. tangggggg aa gayi hoon main tumse. daffffaaaa ho. 😣😣😣

[belindaburkeauthor]

Meet Icarus, one of the main characters in The Wrong Things, a book series I shouldn’t be writing! He starts out homeless and alone, an Ara (submissive vampire) with a fear of Ada (dominant vampires) and a desperate need for one all the same. The one he ends up with is Raven - black, beautiful, and old as the desert.

But he’s for later. For now, wave as he passes: sharp-tongued, snarky, still soft as a sigh, the redhead with bedhead, Icarus!

Want a taste? Keeeep reading! 

...Icarus swallowed thickly, touched his tongue to his teeth, sucked on one fang, then chewed his lip. This Ada - he would never say it, but this Ada was tempting him, too. And more than just with his taboo offer of the richest blood in the world. “Do you really mean it? I’m so -” He closed his eyes, felt the heat rising in his cheeks and couldn’t deny it. “I’m just so hungry.” And then he snapped them open again, shook his head and inched a little farther back. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t even -” “I made the offer. I mean it. Come here.” And, more softly than he’d spoken yet, Raven said, “I have no idea why you are so terrified, but I will not hurt you.” It was unbelievable. Icarus believed him anyway. Why not? This was already insane. An Ada in the room with him, ignoring his heat, sitting on his own hands - another hysterical flip of laughter popped out of him, and he crawled up the bed, put his hands on smooth, dark shoulders and sucked his lip between his teeth before he could moan just from the heat of Raven’s skin. “Why? Why are you doing this? Why are you being so good to me?” “That frightens you?” Shaking his head, Icarus slid one of his hands up into the Ada’s thin, tight braids, and then other down his arm, over the swell of one huge bicep to the bend of his elbow. “You scare me. Ada scare me. Or maybe you don’t scare me, but you’re still an Ada and you should.” Raven was frowning at him now, but he still tilted his head to the side, the curve of his scalp against the curve of Icarus’ fingers. “I will ask questions later. For now, if you are going to drink, then do so. It is not easy for me to have you in my lap like this.” “Where…” The word was hushed. “Were you not going for my throat?” There was so much amusement in Raven’s voice Icarus huffed, then realized he really wasn’t afraid, and was almost scared by that. Was it this Ada’s attitude, his gentleness? His self-control? His humor? Was it Icarus’ heat, the drive he could sense even now, encouraging him to - “Icarus.” He sucked in a breath, then leaned up on his knees and sank his teeth into the Ada’s throat.

[iyarpage]

20 Hints That It’s Time to Take a Holiday

Everyone needs time off, and this is especially true for creative professions. The brain is like any other organ in your body: when it gets tired, it doesn’t work nearly as well. Keep going when your brain is tired, and it’ll start thinking daft thoughts like, “Maybe if I put some cocaine in my Adderall CoffeeTM, I can invent the next great framework after I finish up this site for my uncle’s business.”

Very rarely is anything of worth accomplished in that state of mind, and when it is, it’s an accident. You need rest. You need a long holiday, then a few days of vacation when you get back to recover from the holiday. Go. Do it. Doctor’s orders.

Here are a few handy clues to let you know when you absolutely need that rest:

When the kerning in a movie title ruins the rest of the movie for you.

When you ironically make the client’s logo take up half the page.

When you forget to be unironic, and submit that version of the design.

When the client signs off on it and says, “Good job! It’s like you read my mind!”

When you’ve slept on your keyboard often enough to figure out which bit of it is most comfortable, and leaves the most flattering indentations in your face.

When you’ve actually memorized all of Photoshop’s shortcuts. All of them.

When you find yourself making songs out of inspirational design quotes, e.g. “Keeeep iiit siiiimple, stuuupiiid…” [This is to be sung as a country song of some kind.]

When you actually sing those “songs” out loud…

…in front of people.

When you start coming up with your own inspirational design quotes because the ones you have just aren’t doing it anymore.

When you’d rather spend hours going through your inspiration collection than actually designing anything because actually designing a thing means making decisions and making deciSIONS MEANS YOU COULD FAIL AND OH MY GOD YOU’RE JUST NOT SURE YOU CAN HANDLE ANOTHER EMAIL FROM THE CLIENT ASKING FOR MORE REVISIONS YOU ONLY HAVE SO MANY IDEAS TO WORK WITH and how the hell do you just make something pop anyway? Or maybe that’s just me.

When you find yourself looking for typographical ways to represent a small panic attack…and you succeed.

When you’ve run out of CSS/JS frameworks to try. Take fifteen minutes off and there’ll be another one along. Take a week off, and you’ll have plenty to do when you get back.

When you seriously consider just deleting all the HTML/CSS and starting over for the fourth time.

When you seriously consider bringing up file naming syntax in a meeting.

When you realize that no file should ever be labeled with the word “final”. That kind of growth as a person should be rewarded.

When you start to envy developers. Developers have to use math, and should never be envied.

When you start to speak aloud in ways reminiscent of your marketing copy, e.g. “Wanna go out with me? I’m a dating rockstar/ninja!”

When you see things misaligned in real life and think, “Who would just leave it like that? That’s 200 pixels off! What is that in ems, anyway?”

If you’re thinking of printing this article out and posting it in the office.

And finally…

Bonus round – here’s a classic: Any time someone says anything like “My nephew/daughter/middle school teacher could do that in PowerPoint for free.”

That’s right. By the power vested in me by absolutely no one, I declare that any designer who hears anything like that should get a week of vacation, no questions asked. I’m off for a few days. Don’t call me.

  Featured image via DepositPhotos.

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[samirgianni]

Polish Chocolate Babka

Well, someone will be along in a minute to tell me this isn't a proper babka; a proper babka is raised with yeast. Noted. But I will say I have eaten quite a good few baking powder raised babkas from Eastern European bakeries in Toronto in my day, and I am very happy finally to be able to make one myself. The recipe from which I adapted this appealed to me as looking like it would be neither dry and crumbly, nor excessively gooey and sugar-laden. It has cocoa applied with a heavier hand than most chocolate babkas seem to, but that's because the hand was mine. "Less sugar, more chocolate" is definitely one of my mottoes. Now let's talk about the pan. I used a kugelhopf type pan, which holds about 5 cups of water - but keeeep reading. I think this is a better way to measure these pans than inches or centimetres, because the shapes do vary and a little bit of difference this way or that way can change things quite a bit. Now before you rush out and get a 5 cup pan, I had better tell you that mine overflowed. Not desperately, and whoever designed it cleverly made the top of the chimney a little lower than the outer edges, so it all dribbled down the centre and left me with a squiggly little sample cake. (Which is in the photo, as I didn't want to cut the cake at the time I was photographing it.) Quite convenient, actually! But there is no guarantee you can reproduce this at home so I would say your pan needs to hold 6 cups of liquid. The good news is that my pan is fairly old. I think newer pans tend to be a bit larger. Otherwise, next time I make this I intend to make a couple of little bonus cupcakes with the batter in addition to the main event. Apart from having to break out the electric mixer, this is a very easy cake to make. The glaze is a little fiddly, but you could replace it with a dust of icing sugar if you can bear to give it up. This is also, apart from the butter in said glaze, a dairy-free cake. (Providing the chocolate is also purchased carefully, but easily done.) This is probably my platonic ideal of chocolate cake, and also it kept well for almost a week. After that, it wasn't that it wasn't keeping - it was that it was gone. 12 to 16 servings 1 hour 30 minutes - 30 minutes prep time plus 30 minutes to glaze

Make the Cake: 1 1/3 cups soft unbleached flour 1 cup cocoa powder 2 teaspoons baking powder 1/2 teaspoon salt a little oil and cocoa to dust 6 large eggs 1 cup sugar 2 teaspoons vanilla extract 1 cup mild vegetable oil 1/2 cup boiling water Sift together the flour and cocoa powder, and stir in the baking powder and salt. Set aside. Brush the inside of a bundt pan or other pan with a tube in the centre (chimney) with oil. Dust it in cocoa powder until it looks dry - so be thorough but light with the oil. Preheat the oven to 350°F. Put the kettle on to boil. Break the eggs into a large mixing bowl and add the sugar and vanilla. Beat for about 5 minutes, until very light and creamy looking. Beat in the oil, then the boiling water. Beat for about another minute, then start beating in the dry ingredients, about 1/4 at a time, until well incorporated. You will likely need to stop and scrape down the sides of the bowl in the middle of the process. Pour the batter into the prepared pan, scraping it out well. Place the pan on a baking tray (not required but advised!) and place it in the oven. Bake for 50 to 55 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the middle comes out clean. Let cool for 10 to 15 minutes before unmoulding. Make & Apply the Glaze: 150 grams (5 ounces) dark semi-sweet chocolate 2 tablespoon rum, kirsch, or other liquor 3 to 4 tablespoons unsalted butter Melt the chocolate, rum, and 1 tablespoon of the butter together in a double boiler over gently simmering water. Stir frequently. Remove from the heat as soon as melted, especially if it shows signs of starting to thicken up again. Stir in the remaining butter, one tablespoon at a time, until the butter is melted and the chocolate is thin enough to flow - just. It may help to reheat the chocolate very gently by placing it back over the hot - but removed from the heat - water. Have the cake placed on a loose wire rack over a tray lined with parchment paper, and gently spoon the glaze over the cake. The object is to have as much as possible land on the cake, covering it completely. It is inevitable that a certain amount will slide off; hence the parchment paper. At some point you may need to scrape the parchment paper and recycle the glaze. I also found myself using the back of the spoon to spread it around, which worked reasonably if not glamorously well.  Last year at this time I made Bean & Carrot Salad with Lemon-Mustard Dressing. from Seasonal Ontario Food http://seasonalontariofood.blogspot.com/2018/02/polish-chocolate-babka.html