#but there’s something to be said about having labels. about how much more self aware I was than the teen who didn’t think I had any mental

[faithfromanewperspective]

I’m like if bottling up emotions cause they’re confusing made someone energetic and hyperactive and think they can save the world and need to hurry before the grief consumes them

[kamiversee]

➶-͙˚ ༘✶ F*CK THE LIST

✧.* CHAPTER 2 || Fuck The Foolish Mistakes

[ { SYPNOSIS } ] ➤ A continued tale after Gojo Satoru's blackmailing seemed to have much more to it than meets the eye.

[ { CHAPTER CONTENT } ] ➤ language, masturbation, pervy!gojo, tw; mentions/hints of stalking & obsession, some heinous activities, dark themes, disturbing actions, etc.

[ { WORD COUNT } ] ➤ 5.2k

[ { PAIRINGS } ] ➤ jjk men x f!reader. gojo x f!reader. choso x f!reader. sukuna x f!reader.

[ [ chapters mlist } ]

——THE SUMMER BEFORE everything went to shit for you was the same summer in which you and Shoko decided to move in together. For two months of break, it felt so much longer than that. It was a time in which you spent getting closer and closer to Shoko, so much so that it was only natural that you would call her one of your closest friends.

Although, said friendship seemed rather one-sided. Sure, you both got along pretty well but from what it seemed— Shoko had plenty of other friends to run to whenever she wished. So, after you realized that, you got a bit more real with yourself and dubbed her as simply your roommate. Closest friend, but roommate nonetheless.

This summer was also spent single after you’d gotten dumped a few weeks before the last semester ended. You were sad about it for a while but Shoko was there to cheer you up. Meanwhile, the other people you thought were your friends steadily started to showcase their truer colors, revealing how they never really cared too much about you to begin with and dropped you just like your boyfriend had.

Ah, whatever, that’s all old stuff anyway. It took you maybe a week to get over all that foolishness. So by the time summertime came around, you thought things would get better for you. Instead, you lost your job and that’s where your struggle began. You may have picked up one or two during your summer break but ultimately, none of them stuck long enough to trickle over to your final two semesters of school.

And as you went through such things, a certain someone was keeping track of it all like some fucking stalker. This person in question being none other than Gojo Satoru himself. Unlike you, his summer was rather pleasant. He started babysitting due to his not-so-hidden love for children, he went out a decent number of times, and he heard things about you without even asking.

Why? Because he had a wonderful friend who talked about you to no end— Gojo became very thankful for Shoko because it’s due to her that the pages of his notebook began to fill with endless entries about you. Perhaps journaling you became some kind of hobby for him.

Or maybe it was the fact that he couldn’t see you as much since it was summertime so he treasured every bit of information he got on you. Why was he so hooked on noting it all down though? Was it really curiosity at this point or, was it something so much more? He’d long since labeled it as a crush but that doesn’t excuse his journaling.

Hell, at one point Gojo found himself mindlessly writing down vivid details of the way your laugh sounds— from any pitch that’s ever grazed his ears, to the number of breaths taken before and after. It was then that Gojo dropped his pencil and read over what the hell he’d written down.

His hand shot up to his forehead and his fingers went to soothe his temples, brows tensing, and eyes narrowing at his own words. Did he… Did he really just sit here and describe a woman, who he’s never spoken to, and how her laugh sounds? At the realization, Gojo had to close his journal and push it away from himself.

Sometimes, he may try to pretend like he doesn’t see any harm behind this journaling thing of his but at moments like this… He nearly creeps himself out. Imagine if you were to ever stumble upon such a thing. Gojo’s almost disgusted with himself. Not even a hi or hello has ever been spoken to you and yet here he was printing the details of that joyful sound you make when you find something humorous.

Gojo was very self-aware by that point, mentally telling himself that he needed to stop this madness and just talk to you like he craved. Maybe Suguru was right, maybe your having a boyfriend didn’t matter.

On that day, Gojo should’ve listened to his own warnings. He should’ve taken care of his own red flags right then and there.

But instead, he only got worse.

—--

Depicting the details of your laughter was one thing. But going out of his way to print out photos of you he’d found on Instagram was an entirely different level of crazy.

Okay, so perhaps this was no longer just some cute lil’ crush… Gojo doesn’t know how his… curiosity got so dark. He doesn’t know where or when it really started but at some point, he thinks he became aware that this wasn’t exactly normal. Eventually, Gojo realized this was more of an obsession— you were an obsession.

A scary one too. Even scary to himself. The mere mention of your name would make Gojo’s heart race, whenever Shoko came around smelling like you in the slightest bit, Gojo could feel his mind blur and his thoughts instantly run to you.

One time Shoko, who was just as oblivious to this as everyone else at the time, showed the man a video of you and her trying some challenge together. Gojo doesn’t remember the challenge at all or even what either of you was doing in that video but he does remember having his eyes all over you.

He remembers seeing you hug Shoko by the end of the video and the feeling that burned in his heart. Such a deep form of jealousy swirled inside him and he couldn’t understand it. He never cared about Shoko being close to you before but now, it had pained him to watch his friend have the opportunity to feel you– to talk to you.

Something that Gojo told himself he no longer deserved to do. Yeah, he knows it was even more foolish but he felt as though he should be self-punished for his strange actions in regards to you. 

Those photos that he printed of you went right into his journal, along with an entry about how he wonders what it’s like to feel your touch. He wonders what holding a full conversation with you would be like. Would you laugh at the things he says? Would you playfully hit him if he utters something ridiculous? Are your hands soft? Would they feel soft wrapped around his cock-

Yet again did Gojo find himself dropping his pencil. Though, he doesn’t know which reason was worse. The fact that he really wrote that question down or the throb he felt in his cock at the mere thought of said question. Gulping, he told himself for the millionth time that he was losing his damn mind.

So much so that he had to push his journal away and really think about what the hell he just asked. He tipped his head back and stared up at the ceiling, letting out a long sigh at himself. He’d lost it, hadn’t he? Thinking about you in such a vulgar way without even knowing what talking to you is like is the very definition of insanity, yes?

No, this is just his obsession. He’s not insane. But hey, maybe the two go hand and hand— maybe there’s no difference between being batshit crazy and obsessing over someone…

Either way, Gojo tries to collect himself, moving to look down at his current state only to find that his cock didn’t just throb, instead the damn thing got hard. The sight was disappointing, to say the least. Gojo stared at the outline of his dick, wondering what the hell is wrong with his body and how the fuck he got hard so damn fast. All he did was think about you…

He moves to part his legs a bit more, trying to comfort himself and deciding he was going to ignore his boner and just return to writing. Though, as he leans up and pulls his journal back toward himself, his cock aches yet again. Gojo lets out a little groan, somewhat scolding himself for being like this.

And then he manages to ignore himself for a bit longer. At least, up until he does nothing more than read your name on his page. His focus narrowed in on the letters of your name, the sound of it echoing throughout his brain before his lips parted and he let out a sound.

His hand shoots up to his face and he covers his mouth, completely confused as to what the hell he’d just done. There was absolutely no way he’d nearly moaned at your name alone. Oh this was… No, he was losing it-, not even, he’d lost it already.

Gojo steadily wiped his mouth, fingers rubbing over his jawline for a moment before he looked down to his crotch. He could now feel how stupidly wet his tip was. Was he in heat or something? How the hell did he get so horny from… reading your name? Thinking about you? Hell, he doesn’t even know where to pinpoint the cause of all this anymore.

Shaking his head, his first thought was that he was in no way going to touch himself to the thought of you. Absolutely not. Fuck no. He may be obsessed but he’s not a… actually, there’s really no word he could use to describe what he’s not right now because he pretty much checks every box for an obsessive pervert.

“Shit,” Gojo huffed, glancing over to his wide-open room door. A second passes, then two, then three before he’s standing to his feet and walking over to the door.

The man glanced out into the hall, finding no signs of Geto anywhere before he shuts his door. Then, he pauses and stares at the lock. He’s not really about to do this, is he?

…

He locks the door and rushes right back over to his seat. Gojo slouches back a little this time and his legs part, his eyes low on his hard cock resting against his thigh and how painfully it was bulging against the fabric of his clothes.

“Fuckin’ hell,” He whispers. There’s no way you’d gotten him this hard…

You and your… everything. The very idea of you made Gojo roll his hips upward, causing faint friction against his clothed cock. Then he shook his head and looked away from himself.

“Nope, I’m not doin’ this shit,” He whispered. He can’t jerk off to some girl he doesn’t even know. He shouldn’t.

It’d be different if you were some pornstar he was infatuated with, then he could jerk off to you and there’d be no issue. But when you’re his friend’s friend… it’d be so weird of him to do so.

Even if you have the prettiest face he’s ever seen. Despite your laugh leaving him in some kind of trance. Ignoring the way your voice sounds. Disregarding how kind you seem from afar. Nevermind the way you walk, the things you wear— and how the first time he saw you, you were in a skin-tight blue dress-

Gojo’s jaw drops a little, “Oh fuck,” His voice is already breathy and his hand has found its way to his aching cock, groping himself through his clothing.

He looks down at himself all over again, body hot and breath unsteady already. He swallows thickly and finally lets out a groan before moving to tug his cock out, watching how it slaps against his abdomen and letting out another heavy breath of air.

Gojo moves his hands to his thighs and just gazes at his cock for a moment, seeing how it twitches so desperately-, desperately for you, and how his tip is leaking with precum already. Hell, it look like he came already, cum leaking down along his dick so lewdly.

What would anyone think if they found him like this…

One of his hands moves to grab his journal and he flips to the page with your pictures on it. He shouldn’t do this. This is wrong-

A whine slips past his lips the second his eyes are met with your face. Then his fingers are wrapping around his shaft and he’s jerking himself off without second thought. “Fuuck,” He moans, tossing his head back with his lower lip beginning to tremble already.

His hand was working the length of his dripping cock furiously, back arching ever so slightly in pure desperation and utter need. Oh how he wished it was your hand here instead of his. Fuck, what would your mouth feel like? Hell, how are you during sex? Are you the submissive type? Would you let him have his way with you? Fuck that pretty mouth of yours like he wishes to?

Or are you the more dominant type? Would you have his legs shaking from sucking him off? You probably would. He can only imagine what your lips would look like wrapped around his cock— already wet with spit and dribbles of his cum. Your face would probably be all messy but you might like that kinda thing, right?

Gojo whines, his eyes flickering and hand not slowing for even so much as a second. Shit, your mouth is probably heavenly but what would your pussy feel like? How wet would you get for him? Would you take him all in one go? Beg him to fuck you faster?

Fuck, would you get on top of him? Take control? Ride him til’ he’s the one begging you to stop? Again, Gojo moans into the air, a few times actually. His wrist rotates as he fists his needy cock, veiny length aching for anything from you.

He wonders if you’d want him to talk you through it. Or if you’d talk him through it. Would you be mean? Nice? Fuck, his thoughts are driving him crazy. In all honesty, he’d consider himself a complete slut for you. He’d do whatever you wanted him to.

Gojo ends up shifting, moving to hunch forward as he grows a bit overwhelmed. “Fuck, fuck-,” He gasps and chokes out a whimper of your name. Would you let him be some little slut for you? Because he would be, with zero hesitation. “Fuck me,” Gojo mumbles, watching as his cock twitches in his hands.

You’d probably praise him, wouldn’t you? Tell him how good he’s doing for you, encourage him to keep going-, or maybe you’d do the exact opposite. Perhaps you would degrade him.

Gojo’s eyes roll back at the mere imagination of you ever degrading him, calling him pathetic for being like this, a slut for shamefully jerking off to you, or even a bitch-

He’s cumming before he even realizes he is, moaning and moaning after the thought of you ever calling him such a thing. He doesn’t even know why that turned him on so much, he’s never been into that kinda thing before but when it’s you, shit… he can’t even control himself.

Messing up his hand, groaning out your name, moving to stand up with shaky legs, and continuing as his cock doesn’t go down. Then Gojo looks at the picture of you again, aligning his cock with the image and stroking himself angrily. He cannot believe himself right now but it’s much too late to care.

The damage is beyond done as he starts moaning again, small whines of fuck leaving his wet lips over and over the more he stares at your picture. Then he’s thrusting his hips into his hand, moving his free hand to grab ahold of the desk in front of him as if to brace himself.

Gojo heaves as he gets himself off. Tears well up in his eyes and he just knows he sounds so stupidly desperate right now, moaning, groaning, whining, and even whimpering for you whilst he fucks his fist. Eventually closing his eyes, he imagines you there with him, mentally illustrating the way your face would twist up every time he thrusts his cock deep inside you.

He could make you feel so fucking good if you ever let him. He’d treat you so well, give you anything and everything under the sun, make sure there’s always a smile on your face, and prioritize your needs over his own at all times.

By that point, he’s chanting your name in mindless little whispers, feeling his balls ache before the tip of his cock spurts out thick and hot ropes of cum— all over that same picture he’d been staring at.

Left panting, Gojo had to deal with the aftermath of his high. His eyes were slow to open and when he realized he came all over one of his pictures of you, he was even more disgusted with himself.

It took him a moment to gather himself after his actions but when he finally does, he cleans the filthy mess he’d made of himself and that damn photo before closing his journal and putting it away— telling himself he’d never do that again.

—---

Although, his little declaration didn’t last very long. A week later and he was jerking off with you in mind yet again. The same guilt and disgust follow afterward and Gojo tells himself he needs something else to put his focus on that’s not you.

Like his job for example; babysitting. What better to put his mind on to distract him from the way his mind, body, and soul crave you so desperately?

With that in mind, Gojo started with his scheduling. As time stood, he had roughly three different kids he babysat on a regular basis, all of which were looked after separately but looked after nonetheless. The first was a girl, whose name was Nobora. She was rather bratty in Gojo’s opinion but he didn’t mind, he liked how having her around reminded him of having that of a little sister.

Then there was Megumi, a child who so clearly hates him but is forced to be around him anyway. That hatred got even worse when the kid broke his leg while on Gojo’s watch— an event in which Gojo will forever find strange because the two were at a park and he swears he looked away for two seconds only to hear screaming moments later by nearby children.

By the time he made it to Megumi, his leg was broken and Gojo was to blame.

Aside from that, the last kid that Gojo found himself watching over sometimes was Itadori Yuji. Now this, this is where things got interesting.

For starters, Gojo never understood why he was hired to watch over Yuji when the kid had a perfectly capable older brother to do so. Then again, he didn’t question it once he saw he got paid quite handsomely for it.

Sometimes Gojo went over to the Itadori residence and others he picked Yuji up. Either way, the number of times Gojo encountered Sukuna was rather slim. They only ever interacted when it was time for payments to be made. Outside of that, Gojo knew little of Sukuna (his school reputation for being a major partier aside).

Any other information he got from the man came from Yuji, who Gojo would randomly question every now and then. Though, Yuji never spoke much about his older brother— only that he’s a bit short-tempered. Given that, Gojo had no reason to think twice about their family or relations at all.

Even when Yuji would appear with a bruise or two, Gojo didn’t put two and two together until it was much too late. The first few bruises, Yuji said he got them from playing around too much and falling, to which Gojo believed since he’d seen how clumsy Yuji could be firsthand.

As such, this went on for weeks and weeks but the day Gojo finally started realizing something was up, was the same day in which he’d finally meet the consequences for his previous actions.

On that day, before Yuji was dropped off to be babysat, Gojo was busy making vows to himself. The first being that he’d finally man up and fucking talk to you. He doesn’t really know what finally came over him but he felt as though it was time. Something, perhaps the universe, told him that after today— he’d grow some balls and hold a genuine conversation with you. 

Only a few days ago had he learned from Shoko that you now resided with her so things were going to be rather easy. There was about a week and a half of summer left, giving Gojo some time to not only talk to you but also get to know you firsthand.

His self-revelation came about after he reread every journal entry he had of you, jotting down one final entry of how he planned to talk to you. It was supposed to be casual, he would ask for your number, become friends with you, and go from there based on whether or not you showed any attraction toward him.

With such plans in mind, Gojo thinks it is safe to say that his obsession is finally being tamed. He was getting in control of it after having had such lewd thoughts of you multiple times within the past month and making entries of how he was left feeling in his journal.

That may have been what his last straw was— the whole pervertedness of it all. He was getting weirded out by it himself. Maybe once he started talking to you, his obsession would completely die down. Perhaps the reality of you would help ground him from this fictional high he’s had himself on ever since his obsession was born.

Though, it seems the world finds humor in the suffering of people and Gojo was forced to learn this the hard way.

Of course, as soon as he tells himself he’s gonna clean up his act and do what’s right, his punishment shows up in the form of a person who finds joy in watching others struggle. This person is none other than Sukuna himself, who shows up at the worst time imaginable.

Amid pure stupidity and thoughtlessness, Gojo quickly found himself in a situation in which could not be undone.

—-

After babysitting Yuji for maybe two hours, there was a knock on Gojo’s front door. Yuji sat on the living room couch, watching some cartoons as he swung his feet back and forth. Gojo was in the nearby kitchen, journal in hand before he went to answer the door.

That wonderful journal of his was left sitting on the kitchen counter, right in the open for anyone to see. 

That aside, when Gojo opened his front door, he was met with Sukuna. The two barely even greeted one another before the tatted man reminded Gojo it was payment day. The transaction was meant to be done inside so, Gojo allowed Sukuna to enter the apartment.

Yuji hardly glanced over to the two men before Sukuna nodded his head back, silently telling the kid to go ahead and make his way to the car. With no argument, Yuji sighed and grabbed what little of his things before he walked over to the two, briefly said bye to Gojo, and then made his way outside.

Gojo was going to question why Sukuna let the kid go out by himself like that but, he’s made his mistakes of asking too many questions in the past and has suffered the consequences. Not wanting to deal with a mouthy Sukuna, Gojo remained quiet until Yuji was gone.

Phones were pulled out and the two men moved to make that transaction of theirs. Sukuna had strange tendencies and rules, one of them being that Yuji wasn’t allowed to be present for what Sukuna considered adult business. It was something Gojo didn’t understand but, nothing crazy to really bat an eye at.

Just before Sukuna gets ready to send the money to Gojo— something in which he requires Gojo to be present to make sure nothing goes askew, Gojo starts noticeably squirming all over the place.

Sukuna raises a brow, “Fucks wrong with you?”

“Gotta use the bathroom,” Gojo huffs out without moving from where he stands.

The pink-haired man tilts his head, “Then go use the bathroom? I’m not gonna leave without paying you so relax.”

Gojo stands there a mere moment longer, contemplating a few things. The transaction could’ve been done by now but he felt like he was two seconds away from embarrassing himself so he just let out a long sigh before running off to the nearby bathroom. Thus leaving Sukuna standing there alone.

Now, Sukuna doesn’t consider himself to be a nosy person— he could usually care less about what others had going on in their lives unless it affected or entertained him. And where Gojo’s concerned, he honestly did neither at the time. He was just Yuji’s babysitter so Sukuna didn’t see much interesting about the guy.

That was, until he took his time alone to glance around Gojo’s apartment. Sukuna’s eyes wandered, studying the plain attempts at decoration and how utterly unstructured Gojo’s apartment appeared to be. Well, aside from some spots, it was rather clear that two people were living here, one more cleanly than the other.

Even so, Sukuna remained uninterested until he spotted a single book on the nearby kitchen counter. His eyes narrowed and he found himself surprised someone like Gojo would ever pick up a book. Again, the two knew little of one another aside from whatever school reputations they had— Gojo being known as some praying fuckboy and Sukuna being known as some hotheaded party-thrower. One could’ve assumed that the two would get along considering how their interests seem to align.

With that being said, Sukuna found himself walking toward this book without a second thought. The cover was completely blank and he realized it wasn’t a book at all. It was a journal.

Intrigued, Sukuna picks it up and does nothing more than pick a page at random to see if he’d find anything amusing, perhaps something to taunt Gojo with. Y’know, something to get a laugh out of.

The very last thing Sukuna expected to see was a page with a picture of some girl on it in the middle, surrounded by rather… creepy depictions of the woman. Details on the clothing in the picture, how much it cost, where to find it, depictions of where the woman went on that day, whether or not she seemed happy or sad, how many times Gojo heard her laugh-

Sukuna found himself disturbed instantly as he skimmed over the page. Though, not enough to stop him from turning the page. It seemed that such a creepy entry was one of many. Although, the first page he saw was definitely the creepiest. What ended up becoming the cherry on top was when Sukuna read over the fact that Gojo’s never spoken to you.

At that point, Sukuna scoffed, finding Gojo nothing but a fool for writing about a woman in such a way without ever talking to her. With dates, times, etcetera, Gojo had a ridiculous number of entries on this woman, so much so that it actually left Sukuna both curious and… entertained.

So when the sound of Gojo coming out of the bathroom hits Sukuna’s ears, he doesn’t even flinch or attempt to act like he wasn’t looking through the journal. Instead, Gojo walks out of the bathroom and finds Sukuna with the item in his hands.

It was at that very second that Gojo felt his heart sink to his goddamn toes. His eyes went wide and he froze in his steps, Sukuna not even so much as glancing away from the journal in his hands.

Gojo swallowed the overwhelming lump in his throat and attempted to say something-, anything, “What-”

“My my, what a fucking pervert you are,” Sukuna hummed enthusiastically, finally flicking his maroon gaze up to a dumbfounded Gojo. “This is disgusting, really. I mean,” Sukuna glances back down and smiles, “You love this woman and you’ve never even spoken to her?”

All wide-eyed and practically speechless, Gojo fumbles for a way to explain himself, “I-”

“And you fantasize about fucking her quite often,” Sukuna scoffs, tongue seeping out to lick his lips for a moment, “I can see why but shit… You’re a fuckin’ weirdo.”

“You-,” Gojo cocks his head back and blinks, the slightest mention of Sukuna taking interest in your appearance causing him to go right back to that not-so-rational state of his. Blinded by a deep obsession toward you, Gojo is slow with his words, “...You can see why? The hell does that mean-”

“She’s sexy, I get it. I see the lil’ pictures of her you’ve put in here,” Sukuna comments nonchalantly, “And yet, what I don’t get is this uh,” He clicks his tongue and smirks, “Obsession you have with her. Especially without talking to her? That’s…” He trails off for a second, his expression fading into something Gojo can’t quite read.

Gojo gulps and again attempts to defend himself, “I know it’s weird, I… I told myself I’m going to stop-”

“When?” Sukuna interrupts, voice rough, “When you’ve already got her wrapped around your finger and refuse to let her go because of the attachment you’ve created?” He questions the man almost as if he’s speaking from… experience.

“W-What?” Gojo’s brows push together. He never had any intentions of manipulating you in any shape or form, “No, I-”

“Would you tell her how you’ve been stalking her for months-, shit maybe even years based on some of these entries?” The way Sukuna takes a step toward Gojo lets him know that something about this seems to bother the pink-haired man.

“I haven’t been stalking her, I just-”

Sukuna looks down at the open page, “‘I especially liked how happy she looked today, when she smiles, she blinks about five times and when she laughs, it doubles.’ What sane man writes this shit about a woman he’s never spoken to, huh?”

“Sukuna just…” Gojo sucks in a crisp breath of air and attempts to plead with the male in front of him, reaching his hand out for his journal, “Just pretend like you never read that a-and give me the-”

“Aht aht,” Sukuna’s quick to swat his hand away and he nearly laughs at the way Gojo frowns frustratedly, “Did you really think I wouldn’t keep this little gem? Hm? See, you must be a bit confused about how this is about to go.”

For a moment, Gojo just stares. He never imagined this would happen. Hell, he wasn’t exactly careful with his journal but the last thing he expected was for Sukuna to pick the damn thing up. Fuck, he should’ve never left it on the counter. 

He lets out a sigh and his voice is small, laced with fear, “...Are you gonna tell her?”

“Am I gonna tell her?” Sukuna simply bursts out laughing, “Ha! What do I look like to you? Some simple-minded fool? No, I’m not gonna tell her.”

Gojo lets out the most thankful sigh of relief, “Thank fuck-”

“You are,” Sukuna states.

And at those words, the room goes silent. So silent that one could hear a pin drop. Gojo felt as though his blood ran cold and Sukuna had this overly smug look on his face.

It was from there on out that Gojo was set to face the consequences of his actions.

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[pallastrology]

observations on pisces

artwork by georg janny

saturn in pisces ('tis the season...) suffers greatly with feelings of guilt. something else they can struggle with is fear. the fear is often existential, and the natives experience it from a young age. they will often 'ritualise' their fears, creating structures that help them feel safe and protected, but in doing so, these structures can actually intermingle with their sense of guilt and lead to them feeling responsible for things no person is. they really do have the weight of the world on their shoulders sometimes.

pisces suns are often labeled as easily influenced, and while this isn't entirely untrue, i think it's a bit oversimplified. pisces is receptive and sensitive, taking in a lot from their environment and reading between the lines easily. they are a mutable sign, and so aren't naturally stubborn people. but when well-developed, sun in pisces is a very self-aware placement and that reflective, open nature helps them to actually become quite sure about their beliefs and values. so i suppose, an undeveloped pisces sun will be easily influenced, but maybe not a pisces sun in general.

with pisces in the seventh house, the stereotype is that the native is the type to dream about a prince charming figure who'll sweep them off their feet. in reality, this placement is more likely to not really know what they want from a relationship, to struggle with healthy boundaries, and to feel they have to save - or be saved by - their partner. it takes time and steady reflection to understand where these difficulties come from and how to heal their relationship with love.

mars in pisces tends to really struggle with conflict. they turn it over and over, ruminating endlessly. should i have said this? done that? did i go too far? pisces almost always struggles with boundaries and emotional conflict, but with mars here there's so much energy directed to working on these issues, it can feel like an impassable bridge to the native. as much as they struggle however, they are also fiercely caring, sensitive and surprisingly brave individuals, who can push themselves hard when they are connected to something important.

pisces moons will often disappear when things overwhelm them. they can get a reputation for being a bad friend because of this, despite their caring nature. while they can easily fall into despair over the issue, it doesn't need to be permanent; a big learning curve for these natives is learning to both not induce this crushing overwhelm and urge to vanish, and to better manage their emotions and health when things pop up unexpectedly. embracing their sister sign, virgo, can be a way forward here.

mercury in pisces, when writing or otherwise creating, is very sensitive to the feeling of their medium. so with words, for example, the word has to evoke the right feeling before it's considered to be the right word for the native to use. they are actually pretty perfectionistic in this sense, though their creations can seem to lack a strong, distinctive style; they are mutable after all, and this quality shines through in their work, as they flit through various influences and inspirations.

pisces ascendants get a reputation for being sweet and shy. while they are on the shy side, they are highly receptive and read deeply into what's going on around them, absorbing the atmosphere like a sponge does water. it's a placement that's often infantilised, probably because neptunian placements in general are easily misunderstood. but pisces risings are not so much innocent little faery children; they're a little reclusive, highly attuned to those around them, and easily confused by their own emotions and reactions.

venus in pisces is selfless to a fault, but there's an interesting process going on beneath the native's awareness. they often have a romanticised view of selflessness as a concept, and idealise being nice and giving. so while they are genuinely kind, caring and self-sacrificing people, they do gain something, unconsciously, from giving themselves to others; it bolsters their sense of self and lifts their often low view of themselves. which is part of why it can be so hard for them to set healthy boundaries and stop giving everything to everyone.

[copperbadge]

how did u psych urself up to go to therapy? my executive function has been awol for like 2 years and it's gotten to the point where it's wrecking my ability to do anything. i'm scared to waste a bunch of time and money going and getting told i'm just lazy or that the problem is just me

Happy to talk about that! But this is really two issues, so I gotta do a fly-by real first on "scared of getting told I'm just lazy". :D

It sounds to me like you're aware intellectually that laziness isn't the issue. You know this is an executive function issue and not a personal flaw, but I definitely get that it's hard to internalize that. So I'm going to drop links here to some discussion of "laziness":

How do you know you're not just lazy? (ask sent to me -- it's long, but you can skim for the laziness bits if you want.)

Lack of motivation means you are avoiding pain (second ask in response to the first)

Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price

These are essentially my proofs when I want to remind you that laziness is a label that stigmatizes an innate behavior -- inability to act is real, laziness is not. If a therapist tells you that you are lazy, and ESPECIALLY that you are the problem, you should fire that therapist. Don't even stay the rest of the session if you don't want to, just say "I see we are not compatible," and bounce. I don't think the odds are high that you'll encounter that, but on the off-chance that you do, that's a bright neon sign that they're a bad therapist.

In fact I would open with that pitch: "I'm struggling with executive function and the self-perception that I'm really just lazy. I need help with the actual executive function issues but also with how I view myself because of them." The therapist's response will tell you a lot about whether they'd be a good fit.

So with that out of the way...

I eased myself into therapy with the speed of a small child entering an extremely cold lake. It helped a lot that all of my therapy has been virtual via Zoom, so a lot of stuff that would have been a barrier, like going to the physical appointments, discomfort in a strange space, etc. were swept away.

I didn't even want to see a psychiatrist for my Adderall prescription, but I knew I needed help and medication seemed to be my best option, so with the assurances of several people that it wasn't therapy so much as mental health maintenance, I saw a psychiatrist. And he was lovely! (I just met with him yesterday to go over my next few months of scrip.) For a while that was all I did: talked every month to a kind person who asked specific and measurable questions about my mental health -- mood, sleep patterns, ability to work, hobbies -- without getting especially personal. I thought, okay, I can handle this, I can probably handle more, so I asked him for a recommendation for a therapist.

He looked at the network of independent practitioners he belonged to (Clarity Clinic Chicago, if you want an example of a good network) and found me a couple of options. I got extremely lucky to find someone I felt was appropriate for me right out of the gate, though some of that was also knowing what criteria I had: I wanted someone who explicitly stated they specialized in adult ADHD and disability, and who seemed like they were interested in addressing a whole person and not a single issue. When we met she seemed nice, wasn't pushy or judgey, was familiar with spoon theory and disability activism because she also has ADHD, and didn't blink (or ask overly invasive questions) when I said I was very uneasy about therapy because of past experience. She was comfortable with the ambiguity I brought -- I basically said "Look, I think this is something I need but I'm not entirely sure what my goals are yet, it's just I only recently found out I have ADHD and I am rethinking a lot of stuff," and she was like fine, let's rethink it together.

It still took me a long time to start talking about anything meaningful, but she handled the non-meaningful stuff as if it was serious and important, which helped. Admittedly I have really good insurance so I pay $20 a session for therapy, which also helps; it's pretty negligible in terms of health costs for me. I can afford to dawdle.

So, all that said...my path may not be an option for you, but I think it indicates the kinds of options you have. You don't have to jump into serious and heavily emotional processing first thing if you don't want to. You can shop around for therapists and you can drop any bad ones you encounter speedily, or if you find one you immediately like you can still spend time getting comfortable before dropping into the heavier stuff.

I would suggest that if you have a prescribing psych or doctor for any kind of mental health meds, ask them if they have a recommendation. If you don't have that, ask around people you know or believe have access to therapy and see what they think. If those aren't available to you or you're uncomfortable with that, I'd do a search for licensed therapist and your health insurance, or see if your workplace has an employee assistance program that can recommend you someone.

Good luck! I hope you get what you need. Lord knows I've been there.

[ko-existing]

hello!

i have been following your instagram since the beginning of 2023. at first, i barely understood anything. ego made up its own ideas, did not know the terminology’s, nor read from any respected gurus. this changed back in summer, as i began reading from many gurus. i took notes, then everything started to piece together. i saw how there was no method to materialize, how nothing could be true but “i am”. it was truly a marvelous experience. i feel as if non-dualism has done more for the egos well being, than any other entity. thank you so much for your continuous explanations to people’s questions, and just posting daily reminders. i look forward to your posts both on here, and on instagram!

that being said, i do have a question but i fear it is from the ego. i am unsure if when in the act of deciding, if it was through ego or self, however it was decided many times that i would observe a new ego, with a whole different life. i understand this life is an illusion of Maya. it has never really existed, yet it is being observed through Brahmin. This has been a repeated cycle for a couple months now. Deciding to wake up as a different ego, and if not happening. There is nothing Atman could do wrong. which leads me to wonder why i am still observing the old ego? this is also the ego speaking, however observing anything else, or materializing is very simple. it is instantaneous. but this one thing is just like a fish that doesn’t swim. ego’s actions, nor thoughts don’t matter since they are unreal and observed- but then why the incompetence of one materialization? ego has been pondering this, but it goes way with the response of “neti, neti.” i would greatly appreciate your feedback, thank you for all you do.

tashi!🕉️

i've always liked "neti, neti" = "not this, not that" or མེ��་རང་རྟག་མེད (med rang rtag med) in tibetan because no matter what descriptions you read of your "SELF", it is nowhere near the actual Truth. If I say you're "awareness" , it is not true, your beyond that label. You're not this "awareness", you're not that "Self". You're nothing but also something; no-thing but even then, "you" can never ever be described in words.

Have you noticed that you jump between "this vs that" all the time? You say you "know" this is all Brahman but then you ask about the ego and why xyz isn't happening the way you want to. Then, you say you know you're not this, not that. You're contradicting yourself, it's a very easy trap!😄

"Ego" is only what you THINK you are. Fundamentally on a deeper level it has no existence of its own, no real reality. It is just a collection of thoughts. Thoughts are nothing, meaningless. What you call the "ego" is nothing.

If you forgot EVERYTHING you ever knew and lost all 5 senses, wouldn't you still have an effortless sense of existening?

You said: "this one thing is like a fish that doesn't swim", what made you come to this conclusion? Isn't All "THAT"? Where does the destinction between "hard" and "easy" come from? Aren't you imagining the concepts of hard vs. easy?

"Deciding to wake up as a different ego" How do you expect to wake up as something that fundamentally does not exist? Would it make sense to you if the ocean wished to wake up as a wave? Does a wave truly exist on its own or is it an illusory form the ocean takes on? What are both made of?💧

It sounds confusing because there is no other way to put it other than into limiting words but please read carefully 🙏🏻:

You think you are a physical person trying to get something physical. But for "THAT", all is "THAT". All is instantly "THAT" because "THAT" is all there is to begin with. Do you need any effort to be aware of the words you're reading right now or is it simply happening without anything to do? I'm NOT talking about understanding these words, i'm only talking about being aware of these words before anything else.

So it is with everything else. What you are "aware" of, Is. EVERY other interpretation is illusory. In order for you to come up with an interpretation, you must think imaginary thoughts first. Without thinking, is there anything to say against what you are aware of or is it simply happening now?

[nightcolorz]

Hiii I wanna share some head-cannons I have about Armand’s autism :D

Here we go:

- I think he’d LOVE a good lava lamp

- Daniel and him are adhd + autism excellency

-I also think his powers with the mind gift definitely show how he uses nonverbal communication. Yet to add on, I always interpreted his powers as kinda a two way street if that makes sense?? Like using his powers to better understand the people around him, so he can better understand what they’re trying to communicate to him? Like being able to read someone’s mind without trying to figure out all the complicated 4d chess that is neurotypical social interaction. (Idk if that made sense)

-vocal stims !! I think he’d sometimes get echolalia with certain words that daniel says (I say this bc I’m the same way, except I just really like meowing with my cats 😭)

-speaking of cats, I think Armand would get along SO well with them!! He would have the magic touch.

Ahhh unrelated, but on the topic of Armand being autistic, do you think he’d know that he’s autistic? How do you think his process of realizing he is on the spectrum play out?

I love ur headcanons SO MUCH OMGG ur 100% correct anon I love u. The vocal stimming is practically canon!! In the vampire Armand’s narration Armand often repeats the same words multiple times in a row which I see as a form of vocal stimming. I think I’ve made the same lava lamp and devils minion adhd + autism duo commentary before when talking to friends, anon we might share a brain <33

And I looooveee ur question ehhehehehhe, I actually think about this a lot! I think Armand definitely knows that there is something different about his brain that separates him from others and is longing to understand what that is, which I think could easily lead him on the road of discovering that he is autistic since that is how I and many other ppl found out. But I don’t think the label is something he would be aware of or connect to himself if a third party didn’t explain it to him or point it out. I think he’d have a few barriers keeping him from coming to that realization, like having a person from the 1500’s understanding of mental health and disabilities and an anxiety of being studied, interviewed, questioned, etc. Armand finds analyzing himself very difficult and talking to people about himself also very difficult, so I think both self diagnosis and formal diagnosis would be a struggle for him. But, not an impossible struggle. Especially during post canon when Armand goes through an improvement arc and becomes a bit more healthier and self aware, I think his desire to improve combined with his desire to understand why he feels so alienated would cumulate in discovering he’s on the spectrum. I think that he is aware enough of his own symptoms that if he was given a label and an explanation he would accept it pretty easily and willingly, and as I said find it comforting to know the reason for his differences. The difficult part for Armand emotionally when he finds this out would be realizing the extent he was taken advantage of, hurt, and wronged by everyone in his life once he begins to understand that his vulnerabilities r due to a disability and not some ambiguous character flaw

thank u sm for the ask anon AHHHHH I could talk about autistic Armand forever bless u

[viviennevermillion]

With an asexual s/o

notes: just some self-indulgent headcanons. i don't think this is going to get a lot of notes but the ace community deserves more content.

contains: character x gn!reader, qpr in alhaithams part, the plot twist here is that the characters in question are also on the ace-spectrum

characters included: alhaitham, diluc, pantalone

warnings: mentions of sex in the context of being asexual, hints at harassment and a bit of violence in pantalone's part (not towards the reader)

aphobes, dc creators and consumers dni

Alhaitham

Let's be real here, Alhaitham as a kid took one look at romance and sexual relations and decided that he'd have a better time with a good book and a research trip to the desert. "You'll change your mind when you get older", they said to him. And then he didn't. And everytime someone brings that up he's kinda smug about it, in a told you so kinda way. Alhaitham always knew what he wanted and didn't want and people thinking they knew better was a hassle for him he'd rather not bother with.

Alhaitham is aware of the term asexual and that he falls under it by definition but he doesn't really care for putting labels on himself as he sees no necessity to find ways to explain and define himself to people. The only time he actively labels himself as asexual is when you come out to him to make things easier for you.

Alhaitham would be considered quoiromantic; he's not sure if what he feels is romantic attraction but the concept of romantic attraction also doesn't have much significance to him.

You don't get together with Alhaitham by asking him out and going on dates with him. Your bond just kinda happens. You spend a significant amount of time in each other's presence and Alhaitham finds that he quite enjoys your company. As you become closer, he notices he looks forward to talking to you everyday; to even engage in some playful banter with you. He can talk to you about all sorts of topics and your relationship just has this feel of mutual comfort to it. You can just idly sit next to each other and exchange a couple of words and somehow people can always tell you two are close. He's clearly looking out for you and you're very considerate of his habits and preferences. You're always each other's first choice for anything, whether it's spending your freetime together, seeking advice or working on something together. Alhaitham seems more at peace and happier when he's with you and so do you.

Several people had asked you whether you two were dating or just friends and feeling unsure of where you stood with him, you decided to talk to him about it. "And why would we need to put a label on it, hmm?", he asks and wraps an arm around you affectionately, "so people can put us into categories to ease their own confusion because they struggle to clearly define our bond?"

Alhaitham thought you might have romantic feelings for him and he was half-prepared for holding you a lecture on alterous attraction and how he doesn't experience attraction and relationships the same way most people do. When you come out to him as asexual he's like "god you're making this so much easier for me."

Alhaitham reassures you that he cares deeply about you and he'd like to keep you close to him as you already were. From that moment on, Alhaitham calls you his partner and you call him that too. What that entails? No one's business.

Alhaitham doesn't often initiate physical affection but he does a lot of idle motions like putting an arm around you when you sit down next to him or leaning his head against your shoulder when he's laying next to you and reading his book. He doesn't mind if you want to kiss or cuddle though.

It's clear as day to anyone who knows you that you two love each other even if they can't exactly define what you have as either friendship or romance.

Diluc

Lisa was the one person who started off teasing Diluc a little about having so many admirers and asking him "aren't you interested in any of them?" but she also was the first to notice Diluc was probably ace before Diluc himself even noticed he worked differently than most people around him.

But oh Diluc noticed, even if he didn't have a label to put on it before he met you. He always felt a little uneasy when the topic came up because he just knew it'd result in people asking questions and him not having an answer nor particularly wanting to answer them.

By the time he met you Diluc had become quite the expert in turning people down but the more time he spent with you, the more he noticed that he didn't want to turn you down. And that this time would probably result in you turning him down. Oh how wrong he was.

He could tell you liked him as time went on but he was hesitant about taking the next step because he feared you might, by convention, expect things from him he couldn't give you. And you felt the same way. So the two of you grew gradually closer, even flirting with each other on rare occasion, all while actively dancing around the confrontation because neither of you had an idea how to address the subject

You're the one who eventually tells him how you feel and comes out to him. Diluc asks a couple of questions and listens attentively as you explain asexuality to him. Then goes: "Oh, so there is a word for it.."

You felt really relieved to hear that Diluc felt the same as you did and that you helped him make sense of his experiences. He confessed to you that for a while he was worried that there might just be something wrong with him and that he's happy that's not the case and that he gets to be with you, someone who understands him and can relate.

He has a long conversation with you about your shared experiences because this is the first time he could talk with someone else about this without being at least partially dismissed. He also talks about your boundaries with you and his as well to make sure neither of you makes the other uncomfortable with something.

After the talk Diluc feels a little exhausted because even though it was relieving and enlightening, it was also stressful and made him feel a little anxious, given that you were talking about something he mostly kept to himself up to this point.

He asks if he can kiss you and if you say yes, he leans over and kisses you softly, letting you bury your fingers in his hair. His kiss is hesitant at first but he gets more passionate with time, smiling into the kiss when he notices this is actually happening. That you accept him the way he is and love him and are kissing him.

He lets you stay with him for the night, holding you protectively against his chest.

Pantalone

Painfully aware of the fact that he's on the ace-spectrum because the rich people he scams for his plans tend to get really good at oversharing about their sexual preferences after enough wine at the banquets. The alcohol is a double-edged sword because it sometimes works in his favor since he can find out people's weak points but it's also an easy spiral into "too much information, didn't need to know this"

Several of his business partners have tried to pressure him to join them in their endeavors because they "know a club in some fairly unknown alley" or have encouraged him to "hit someone up", which he always refused. Which is what bred the joke in those circles that the only thing that man is attracted to is cold hard cash.

He had many people who tried to make advances towards him, some because they were after his money and some because he was conventionally attractive. Quite a few entitled nobles had a tendency to mistake his mischievous and suave demeanor as him being flirty when really he was just scheming how to bleed them dry of all the money they have 💀

Some of them just wouldn't take "no thank you I'm not interested" as an answer, insisting they could change that. Most of them he just shooed away. Two or three ended up with some broken bones because they took it a step too far.

Pantalone has seen some shit and been through a lot and he hasn't been given physical affection in over a literal decade so he's actually fairly hesitant and receiving affection from you and he needs to warm up a bit to the idea of being kissed and held.

When you tell him you're asexual he's like "oh thank god, me too."

He always asks before he initiates any new physical contact or kisses you in a place he hasn't before to make sure to not overstep any of your boundaries. After all, he's receiving the patience from you he craved but most people wouldn't have given him.

He's pretty sex-repulsed because he spent too much time around the worst kind of people for the sake of harbinger business.

He's clingy and extremely gentle with you in private and will love you with all his heart but if anyone dares to give you shit over your asexuality or bothers you they'll receive the iciest death glare that banker is capable of. The one more step and you're a dead man kinda expression.

He'll smile and go "My, my, it sounds like you had quite the exciting day, my friend" at some rich, slightly intoxicated merchant making small talk with him at a gathering and telling Pantalone about all his pursuits of women and his affairs in detail but the second that person is out of sight, Pantalone's face falls and he looks at you with an "I'm done" expression. "I don't want to be here", he says dryly and you suggest to get another mousse au chocolat from the buffet and share it with him. "Yeah, let's", he takes your hand and glances at the guy who talked to him just now, "once I have his cash I'll buy you something nice from it." "Not this again, Pantalone." He gently kisses your lips. "See it as compensation for the emotional damage this conversation gave us."

Over the course of your relationship Pantalone finds out he's actually demisexual but that doesn't change anything between the two of you either. He adapts to you with ease, no matter what your boundaries are.

author's note: tagging @k-zu because he wanted to be tagged! ✨

[rendy-a]

I feel like looking at the 500 followers event Idia would bring back ptsd from ghost marriage event...

So, anyway! May I request In a self aware au reader asking Idia out for a dance, because they're low key anxious that he'll be stolen again (that little mf didn't show up after the 100th pull for me T-T)?

Thanks ahead!

~~~🌟🎃

That is so harsh when you miss out on the event SSR at the 100th pull!  It’s not yet happened to me, but I’ve been taken to 100 a few times. (Lilia twice!  That scamp!)  I’m just glad EN is getting the 200 pull guarantee before Glorious Masquerade!

The most interesting thing about this goodwill dance business was meeting students from other campuses.  You hadn’t felt that way in the beginning but, as they spent more time at NRC, you’d gotten used to seeing them around.  Once their bizarre attention toward you cooled off, you found it refreshing to interact with new people, especially the girls from Fair Maiden Academy.  There were just things you could talk about to girls that you’d never dare bring up to the guys.

“Ooh, you know what might be fun?” you begin saying to your new friends from FMA, “We could go over the courtyard at Pomefiore.  They have this well there that is perfect for shouting wishes into!”  Your friend Ace would have laughed right in your face had you said something sappy like that to him but the girls of FMA were another story.  “Really?  Oh my!  That does sound fun!” one of the girls exclaimed.  “I just love making wishes,” sighed another girl in a dreamy tone.  So, you accompanied the gaggle of girls to the wishing well to deliver your wishes to.

When you arrived, one particularly silly girl asked if you intended to make a wish.  “Oh, I don’t know…” you trailed off.  The girls gathered around and insisted that you were the only one who could properly demonstrate how to use the wishing well.  “Oh please, Prefect,” crooned the silly girl, “I think it would be so educational for us to see how YOU deliver your wish.”  Oh, you’d forgotten how intensely interested people were in you, what you thought and what you did.  “Ah, I guess so,” you awkwardly replied with a hand on your head.  So, you approached the well and made whatever nonsense wish came to mind, “I wish Grim would remember to brush his teeth after eating stinky foods.” 

It was a foolish wish, but all your new friends nodded and said what a wise and useful wish it was.  “Oh,” said the silly girl, “I wish I could make such a sensible wish, but I know I’ll just end up spoiling mine on frivolous things like True Love!”  You shake your head with an exasperated smile, “There is nothing wrong with True Love.  In fact, I think that is a perfectly nice wish.”  You yourself had enjoyed a daydream or two since you’d arrived in TWST.  How could you not when it was inhabited by boys handsome enough to be characters in a game.  There were times when you felt like getting closer to one or another, but you always held it in.  After all, you were a player of a game, and they were game characters; the whole thing was just strange.  That didn’t stop you from enjoying a look now and again.

Emboldened by your support, the silly girl went up to the well and made her wish for true love.  “I wish, for the one I love, to find me today.”  You smiled kindly at the girl and gestured for her to step back only… “And!  And!  …I want him to be at least 180 cm tall with an air of nonchalance!  Ohh, oh!  And healthy and lustrous skin, you know?  He’d look at me with those lidded eyes and give a charming smile.  I’d be mesmerized by his bright and shimmering hair before being captivated by his lips, so arresting that you just have to kiss them!  From head to toe, the Perfect Prince!”  Then she backs away from the well, holds both hands to her chest and makes a screaming sound you could only label as a squeal.  It was rather shocking.

“Ooookay,” you trail off with a wide-eyed stare.  That was a little much for you but no one else seemed particularly bothered by it.  The other girls took their turn whispering their wishes into the well and hearing their dearest dreams echo back to them.  You smiled at each of them as they wished but truly you were distracted.  Something about this whole thing was itching at the back of your mind.  It felt like you were overlooking something important.  It was an unsettling feeling that caused you to beg off on your friends when the wishing was done.  You left to walk home alone and think about what you had missed.

You arrived back home at Ramshackle dorm and entered the foyer.  You shrugged off your jacket and took off your shoes.  When you pass into the living room, a voice greets you from above.  “Hi guys,” you smile up at the floating inhabitants of the dorm.  You plopped down on the sofa and spaced out.  Something about this felt familiar.  You, Ramshackle, ghosts…YOU, RAMSHACKLE AND GHOSTS!  How could you have forgotten the Ghost Bride?  She burst onto campus and declared Idia of all people was her perfect prince.  She had a long list of ridiculous requirements he supposedly met, and those requirements reminded you unsettlingly of the wish your silly friend from FMA had made. 

It was just a coincidence, right?  That couldn’t happen again, could it?  You pictured Idia at the dance being cornered by a crazed extroverted girl shouting and squealing about her perfect prince.  It was an unsettling idea.  Idia would freak out and his hair would go crazy; everyone would stare, and it would only get worse.  What sort of impression of NRC would that leave?  Plus, you’d hate to admit it, but you were sort of fond of the shy dorm leader of Ignihyde.  Fine, you would just have to play the knight and rescue this unusual ‘damsel in distress.’ 

Your plan was simple, you’d find Idia and keep him away from the girls of FMA.  It shouldn’t be hard with the way Idia would avoid crowds.  Maybe he wouldn’t even be here tonight, you think as you scan over the ballroom venue.  The gardens were lovely and the magically created dance floor the Third-Years made was glowing in the moonlight.  But that wasn’t the only thing glowing.  There was a blue glow coming from a distant alcove and it appeared you weren’t the only one who’d noticed.  “Wow, your hair is so bright,” the silly girl from FMA said moving deeper into an alcove hidden from your view.  “I insist on a dance!” you shout as you run over, pushing past the FMA girl.  When you round the corner though, you are stopped in your tracks as you see Ortho floating in the alcove.  “Oh,” you stammer lamely, “I thought you were Idia.” 

Ortho looks at you happily and exclaims, “You were looking for my brother, Prefect?  He’ll be so happy!  He is quite the fan!”  The confused FMA academy girl just looks on with a little smile, “What now?”  You laugh and wave your hand in front of your face, “Ah, it was just a misunderstanding.”  The girl smiles and gestures to Ortho, “I found my prince!  He’s a little young but I’ve waited this long!”  Then with a smile she turns back to Ortho and swings him around in a simple dance step.  You embarrassingly hurry away but by the time you reach the end of the alcove, a voice reaches you, “He is in his room, Prefect.  He couldn’t make himself come.  I think he’d like it if you’d visit him though.  He was looking forward to seeing you in your formal wear.  He said he had to get a glimpse of a rare event costume if it was the last thing he did.”

You left the alcove and smiled politely at those watching you exit with interest.  Everyone seemed to want a piece of your attention tonight.  The disappointed looks when you turned down a dance or offer of a drink tugged on your conscience, but you really didn’t feel like risking some event trigger in the middle of this huge dance.  The last thing you need is to start some random isekai event like ‘I met the crown prince at the party’ or whatever.  Avoiding everyone was causing you such stress though, that you suddenly realized that you’d rather just leave early.  So, you quietly back around a corner and slide through a door into a classroom hallway.  Once out of view, you took off running toward main street and away from the trials of Crowley’s party.  At the end of Main Street, you passed the mirror chamber.  Here you hesitate, inside was a path that would take you to Ignihyde, if you choose.  You had no obligation to go, and you were tired, yet you still found your gaze locked on the doorway.  You laugh to yourself, ‘Well, here it is, the time to make a route decision, after all.’

You knocked on the door but there was no answer.  Of course, there wasn’t an answer. This was Idia, he wasn’t about to answer the door.  You tried the knob and surprisingly the door opened.  Inside, Idia was playing a dancing rhythm game with a set of headphones on.  He was so focused on the game that you were able to take several steps inside the room before he noticed you.  When he did, he quickly flung off the headphones and seemed to cower in on himself, “Ahhhk!”  You look at him curiously, waiting for him to ask why you were there or order you to leave his room, but he doesn’t say anything.  Finally, you tilt your head towards the screen, “I love this game.  May I have the next dance?”  He still did not speak but the expression he makes causes you to think, ‘That silly FMA girl was right, he does have a charming smile.’

Idia felt like he’d passed the night in a dream.  He hadn’t needed to attend that awful extrovert torture they called a dance and he’d gotten to see the rare Player Formalwear in person.  Not only that but he’d had a dance (several even!) with the Player.  He felt like this dream would end come morning, so he had to make the most of this magical night.  “Th.there is another game I like.  We..we could play it…IF YOU WANT!”  You looked at him encouragingly, “Sure, what sort of game is it?”  He feels a wave of euphoria wash over him that you hadn’t immediately rejected him, “Oh, it’s a great game made for two.  You can be my Player 2, if that’s ok.”  The sweet smile you gave him when you accepted was all he needed.  He’ll save the video feed of tonight and replay this voice clip on repeat tomorrow.  “Sure Idia, I’ll be your Player 2.”

[muse-matrix]

So... It's been a while since I last logged in here. Longer still since I properly did... much of anything here, outside of a few scattered posts. Part of me had been kinda dreading coming back here but looking at when my activity really dramatically dropped off, I think I understand what happened.

So, way back in february of last year, I was bouncing between a lot of things. I was running around doing a bunch of stuff to try and secure a new job, and I did manage that- A big component of my not being here was just me adjusting to having to work again, after being unemployed for almost an entire year. It was tough to get the right structure going, but I managed it. And despite starting college just a couple weeks ago, I've mostly managed that too so far, I think.

But that isn't... the main reason why. Probably. I think.

You see, what else happened in february, was that I got booted from a community I'd been a part of for years. It encompassed my involvement in a card game I loved, as well as the FF14 free company I'd been part of at the time. Someone who was, at one time, a good friend of mine misinterpreted something, and was so incensed by it, they took some things I said out of context and absolutely slandered me to the mod team of that community. (Yes, it actually is as bad as it sounds. I checked.) As a result, I was privately labeled some pretty nasty things, and shunted from their discord server without so much as a word. None of them would speak to me, none of them would even give me a chance to tell my side of things.

Obviously, that stung. A lot.

It had me pretty dejected about a lot of stuff, for a really long time. Probably why I mostly got off of here- I retreated to a different blog where there was less pressure (self-imposed) and more freedom for me to just, kinda, do whatever I wanted without fear or worry. I needed space and freedom to move myself around how I wanted for a while. And then that led to me feeling bad about not coming back here, which made me put off coming back here even longer... You see where this goes.

But at this point, it's been a year and a half. I'm pretty much over that fiasco, I haven't spoken to any of those people since, and they've evidently been content to leave it alone too, given I haven't had any mobs of angry pitchfork-wielding card game players coming after me.

And recently, Kako came back! She's RPing again and that's fun to see. I know a lot of you I've still been in contact with regardless, her included, so most of you probably are already aware of a lot of this stuff, but writing all this out is part of my process, so bear with it. The important thing is, after a lot of time and thinking about things, and seeing friends return to RPing and watching things happen from afar... God, do I want to get back into it with you all.

I very likely still won't be super active, but I'm going to at least try to be consistent. This is supposed to be my main, after all. I'll probably take the next week or so to clean up the muse list, cut a bunch of stuff, get a bit more focused and the like. Not that I'll actually stop playing any given muse- I'm wont to flip-flop between characters I enjoy, and I'm loathe to let fun interactions pass me by just because a character 'isn't on my muse list', but I ought to give myself a bit of structure, at least.

So... I'll try to be here every day, at least. Even if it's just to check in. This'll be a fresh start for me, I'd say, not that any of my old lore or whatever is getting abandoned. It's just... It's been a long time. It'll take some easing back into things for me, so I'm not even going to worry about whatever asks have been left to rot in my inbox, stuff like that.

Given it's been such a long time, some of you may... have blogs that I'm not currently following, cause I've missed them or what have you. So uh, if that's the case, please shoot me a message so I can correct that.

[xx-slug-xx]

I’m returning from the depths for a short bit lol

Mostly to make something very clear to people who aren’t on proship Twitter or TikTok. Or like, certain radqueer communities (not all of them, just specific ones). Not that I’m engaging in any sort of call out, or informing anyone over any situation directly. Honestly, I just want to make people aware that certain things are not ok just because you drew a picture or write a fanfic.

It’s not “just fiction” if you actively want to sexually abuse someone. It’s not “just fiction” if you draw a depiction of a real life child and talk about how much you want to sexually abuse them. It’s not “just fiction” when what you’ve drawn or written is created as a form of harassment directed towards another individual or a group of people.

If you’re going to be profic or use an adjacent label, that does not make it acceptable to sexualize REAL children or harass people because they don’t agree with your self-proclaimed “right” to sexualize a REAL child. And it’s certainly unacceptable to sexualize someone’s young family member simply because you have some personal beef with them.

The moment real people are involved, it’s no longer just fiction. You can draw and write about fictional scenarios, yes. But when you involve real people (not specifically talking about celebrities and other similarly high standing figures, just internet randos) it becomes more than fiction. This is where harassment in the proship community (by proshipers) becomes the most prevalent from what I’ve seen at least.

Also, if you preach about how x-real-person or x-real-group needs to be raped, and then go on to draw those depictions, and it’s not a joke, I’m sorry but that’s more than a little concerning imo. I understand people who draw and write to cope with their intrusive thoughts or paraphilias, but when you preach about how your sexual desires that surround the concept of abusing others then you go on to draw depictions of said desires, people have every right to be concerned. Abuse should not be normalized for someone’s selfish desires. And the big three certainly should not be normalized (in practice, people with big three paras can vibe as long as it’s not acted upon irl).

Artistic expression, no matter what kind or what the driving force behind the creation of said art, is fundamentally morally good. Don’t get me wrong. However, people have every right to be upset when your driving force for creating said art is because your opinions are in favor of acting immorally in the real world. People have every right to be fearful of what someone may do when they want to hurt people and creating art that depicts it (and it’s not a way to cope). Art is just fiction, it can’t hurt you. You can enjoy it or be discussed by it. In the end, it’s not real. But the persons intent with creating that art can hurt you. It can be in the form of propaganda, it can be in the form of direct harassment. As much as I am profic, there are certain kinds of fiction that are created by certain kinds of people that are a tell for what that kind of person is capable of behind the screen. The art itself is never the red flag. It’s what the creator of said art believes in that becomes a red flag. It’s when that creator wants and plans on abusing people, and in some cases then may already have.

Sorry for my ramblings that make me sound like a mad man, but I’ve seen some horrible things said by horrible people in this past week that hasn’t set right with me. I don’t want anyone to fall down the wrong hole of the internet and not realize what they might be getting into (certain pipelines that lead to “irl child sexual abuse is fine actually”), and I want people to realize that some forms of art (the kind that depicts real people to harass someone) doesn’t mean you are immune to criticism. This could have been two separate posts, but I didn’t feel like writing two posts lol

[thekatebridgerton]

The thing about Colin...

So I've been seeing a lot of discourse lately about how Polin shippers never seem to care about Colin. And it made me realize I've never actually done a deep dive on why I find his character so interesting. The way I've done with Anthony and sometimes Benedict. So let's have a talk about Colin Bridgerton

I am very much attached to book Colin in the sense that in RMB we get to see something cute Luke hasn't shown yet: the depth behind his smiling face. And pretty much in the same way Hunger games movie viewers don't realize how they become part of the capitol when they reduce Katniss struggle to just her relationship with Peeta and Gale. Colin Bridgerton is the perfect example of how we become part of 'the ton' when we reduce Colin to simply his smiling happy go lucky looking self.

Because Colin is a great friend, I've said it many times, I would love to have a friend like him, he's very loyal, wouldn't abandon someone in need if he could help it, he has a great sense of humor, he is supportive and kind, roots for the people he loves and encourages them to follow their dreams. It makes sense for his favorite sister to be Daphne because, during Daphne's book, the reason she couldn't find a husband was because men got to know her and saw her as such a good friend it didn't register that she was also a woman.

Colin on the outside is in fact the quintessential happy, smiling, friendly gentleman. Penelope thinks that, lady Whistledown writes that. We as readers are fooled into thinking that as well. This is where it gets fun.

Because there's a point in the narrative where Colin shows his dark side and the reader is like 'wait where did that come from? I've never seen him act like that before ' and of course you didn't dear reader, you're the ton, you're the person who only knows him from Lady Whistledown. That's the trick. Because he didn't show his dark side to you! He's never shown it to anyone! He's charming Colin!

And this is where I absolutely love Colin. Because yes, he's funny and charming and a riot to hang out with, he's well read, well traveled and an excellent conversationalist. But behind all that, is a man who feels deeply and loves passionately and gets easily frustrated, what I mean to say is that underneath Charming Colin, is someone completely different who doesn't know how to break out of the label everyone has put on him for so many years and expresses his emotions in a clumsy extravagant way that is so Colin. Also behold, surprise surprise, he has a temper, he's got a responsible streak that's more in line with Anthony's years of conditioning than he would care to admit. And insecurities about his place in the world that lead him to lash out a time or two.

So if you ask me, I like the Colin we get to know underneath the superficial charming Colin thing he's got going on, more than I like the version we get in Lady Whistledown.

And it's funny seeing so many show viewers take his character at face value. Even Polin shippers, write him off as ' cute cuddly wouldn't harm a fly Colin, super friendly, clueless Colin ' when he's actually one of the most deep characters there is, exactly because he's a social chameleon and tailors himself to be what he thinks people expect him to be. As a third son, as a brother and as a friend. Never actually showing anyone his negative side because he thinks people won't like him any more ( and from the comments I see dissing his characterization in RMB that may very well be true)

The man may not have created a whole alter ego to blow off his negative emotions but believe me he has them and he's self aware enough to know he's expected to never show them. Which is actually worse in the long run because he ends up a mess of surpressed dissatisfaction and frustration.

Maybe that's what I find so interesting about him that his character is just as two faced as Penelope. I'm not saying that Colin isn't genuinely nice and funny and friendly. I'm saying he's not like that 24/7 and that he pretends he is just to cover up his insecurities. Because deep down he wants to be liked and doesn't tolerate rejection well.

It takes a lot for him to come to terms with the fact that he wants to be liked for who he truly is and not just for the mask he puts up Infront of the ton and his family. Assimilating both his happy go lucky charming side, with his darker more temperamental and dominant side that he never showed to people before. It's as much of a journey of self discovery for Colin as it is for the reader.

I had hopes that in s3 we actually were led to find out that no Colin isn't actually some clueless himbo all the time, because underneath that he's just as restless and dissatisfied with himself as the rest of his family but he doesn't show it. I would love for s3 to take us behind the scenes of clueless Colin to show us exactly all those sides of him he doesn't share with anyone else. But I don't know, maybe Shondaland will keep him just as friendly and seemingly wonderful as it's been showing him so far.

And that's the tea

[katyspersonal]

Honestly, thank you for calling Messmer a fascist I feel like so much of the fandom just ignore the way he is written for the sake of a more simplified and commodified character they can lust over. Not only is it weird to completely deny such an important part of his character that affects the wider narrative (not even getting into real world implications) it just makes him more boring! This is a Fromsoft game where very few characters are ever even close to morally pure. And yes, Messmer isn’t as pure evil as he was presented in the trailers, that doesn’t mean he’s a good person. A lot of people take away the main twist of the storyline as “the Hornsent were the bad guys the whole time and Messmer was completely in the right” when that’s just not the case. Sorry for ranting in your ask box I just thought you might like to hear out my case lol x)

First not going to lie, frien, I start to have some personal concern because of the messages like this. 😔 I am getting the type of messages like "thank you for doing this Elden Ring thing when everyone else does that Elden Ring thing" + followed by jab at the fandom for not paying enough attention or variants! There was "thank you for actually having positive reading of Nanaya when people portray her as agent of chaos", then "thank you for writing Rellana with her own ideology when people portray her as just Golden Order simp", then "thank you for writing Messmer and Marika as fucked up when people make them wholesome mother-son bond"... now this too

I want to say that I do not blame you, or anyone who sent previous messages I mentioned! And I am glad that you find enjoyment and understanding in how I analyse and write Elden Ring things! Like, yes, I am happy that it resonated with you when by your own admission, it is not something you see often! ...that being said, I really do not fit to be the "face of opposition" if you can even call it that! xD I am very meticulous in my analysis (against my will, autism is just like this) and try to not have any bias but instead fixate on what the writer really wants to say, but I should be more critical with compliments that I accept! Don't want to get my ego bloated with comparisons fshhddhsf I accept the compliments for my posts! Just not the '...unlike the rest of the fandom' part if this can be helped!

^^^ On the subject, Messmer said this phrase even in the first, gameplay trailer, and it already made me raise my eyebrow! Saying that "impure" creatures do not deserve to live is really wild, however, it didn't look to be Miyazaki's average jab at religious crusades... yet xD

^^^ Then THIS stuff in the second trailer. Basically, I was already labelling him fascist before the DLC dropped 🙄

I was actually really... delighted to find out that Fromsoft touched such a huge topic? Even though it is called 'Crusade', Miyazaki's jab at religion leaned more towards Inquisitors of Hornsent! Messmer lived up to my expectations from his character and MORE! He is not even wiser than burning all traces of history and culture, had it not been for his Knights beings better than this! Honestly, Fromsoft raising the topics of fashism and genocide is one of their biggest Ws so far, and something I will always love SOTE for!

Above all I agree that even if you ditch everything about 'subtext', 'media literacy' and 'obvious implications', the story about "justified genocide" doesn't really offer anything interesting narratively! Making a whole nation/race/whatever 'inherently evil' and their genocide as heroic act....? It doesn't offer anything: no meaning, no fuel for self-reflection as society, no awareness of real world parallels, no philosophical debate about horrors of revenge cycle...

Doesn't offer anything interesting, except for.... yeah, making Messmer more approachable to simp for. Well, everyone knows what I think of such characters:

Debate about media literacy and subtexts in Elden Ring is very tricky, and I've learned the hard way when Mohg beaten the allegations! (my confidence was shattered that day fhddhsf) It is hard to draw the line where 'obvious implication' ends and 'but they did not DIRECTLY say it...' starts! So yeah, when logic and reading deep ends, I think feelings can help. Messmer is a horrible, horrible person, and genocide is the worst thing humanity can fall into. Is making one character (maybe two, as Marika is connected) more "likeable" worth larger story with meaning, rising such significant topics? I don't think so!

As for Hornsent........ sighhhh...

[lavendernlilac]

hi, lacy gloves anon here i have more slightly insane ramblings about ur bodyguard au

bodyguard au but grian is transfemme

dont know where im going with this but that ‘real women’ line from the reporter and how grian really lets that statement linger in her mind throughout the night did something to me

not to completely ramble about how grian’s transness relates to her character(bc yes ive thought abt this hypothetical that much,,,) but im just thinking about scar and grian having a vulnerable conversation about their collective queerness(scar doesn’t have a label for his sexuality bc yk what? I said so)

how they’re the only ones where they can personally confide and relate to each other about being in the closet while being public figures

i dunno i needed to get the idea out there bc i certainly wasnt going to write it,

also grian getting gender euphoria from scar calling her a good girljskd

alr im gonna pass out now with the prompt above in mind,,,

UWAHHHHHH ;w; I love all these ramblings hehe. also I’m 🥺🥺🥺 at all of this???

it’s really funny because when I wrote that line, I wanted to target grian’s like… insecurity a bit. it’s touched on in the fic but to me grian in general comes off as this character who struggles number one, a lot with self comparison and perfection and number two, self worth. so having the reporter say that to scar, in front of grian, who is acutely aware that she’s not exactly the most elegant or graceful or even mature person? it hits her hard

there will always be a little voice in the back of her head telling her she’s not good enough for scar, that there are so many others… she’s loud and abrasive and stubborn… and it’s hard because she can’t be anything like that as griande

YES I LOVE THEM CONFIDING IN EACH OTHER SM,,,, 🥺 scar’s 100% some flavor of queer. does he know? nope! he just knows he’s not straight and he and grian make fun of people who point to hotguy as a symbol of straightness /silly. and sure in this case he does have a girlfriend but man do those types of questions get tiring real quick…

scar finding out just how much grian loves it when he calls her a good girl…. *lays down* he uses it to his advantage and to put grian at ease. it’s a win/win !!!

[k7l4d4]

K Reviews and Rants: Murder Drones! Episode 1

Hello all. Today, I embark on a new adventure! I could, technically, be continuing Miraculous Ladybug... but I decided I'd rather do something that doesn't risk me getting an aneurysm at thinking how much it's gone down hill. So, instead, I'm going to review stuff you can find for free online before moving on to other stuff.

Now, Murder Drones, at a first glance, is a fairly tongue in cheek dark parody of various horror genres, centered around the titular drones. But, many secrets lie in waiting... well, this should be fun!

Onto the review. As always, warnings for any profanity on my part.

Okay, not even two minutes in, and this is pretty interesting.

The basic concept "humans end up wiping themselves out on a planet they colonized and the robots left behind form their own civilization, but humans get mad about it so they decide to send other robots to deal with it" is solid. The opening scene is also very tongue in cheek, given that it's literally listed as a file labeled "Exposition." Near the end of the two minute mark, it transitions to a punk-looking robot with a female sounding voice giving a... less then well made presentation.

Said female robot, Uzi going by the closed captions, is complaining about how passive the Workers are being regarding their enemies. Which, given that they are reliant on three big doors, is a valid concern; no matter how durable they are, eventually the Murder Drones are gonna get past them... either by figuring out how to break them, or by breaking the areas AROUND them.

Also, I really, REALLY hope that Uzi didn't use actual blueprints in that presentation, because it's never good when stuff like that is easily accessible in such dangerous circumstances.

Apparently Uzi's answer to the eventual conflict is to make a railgun... and brought it to class. Working or not working, that's insanely dangerous... and it's hilarious how the principle is just looking on like "okay." It's hysterical to me how nonchalant he is about it. But Uzi cackling maniacally while powering up the railgun... yeah, bad sign. She's not alright in the head.

... I'm dying of laughter. The project was a word problem... about buying watermelons. Not even getting into how dumb of a project that is for homework, what's even stupider is how is it even POSSIBLE Uzi misinterpreted it THAT BADLY!? Like, this is the kind of scene that always has me hoping "I hope this sets the tone going forward." It's just hysterical.

One exploding railgun, a dented door, and now we are in the nurse's office. Why would robots even have that? Plus, more tongue in cheek jokes plastered across the wall. I gotta give props on the background details, even if they are just one-off jokes, taking the time to put them in is really cool.

Wow, some bitchy robot cheerleaders made a "joke" about how Uzi was still alive. That's totally fine and not at all disgusting. Ugh...

Really confused on why Uzi has an icepack on her face... is it to cool down her circuits or something?

Oh, new robot dude just walked in. I can't tell if his comments on some guy named Chad's "classic toxic masculinity never ending up being problematic" is just being tongue in cheek or robots being weird about making connections or something. Either way, it's funny from the perspective of making fun of old high school movies and tv show cliches.

O-kay, looks like Uzi's more unpopular than I thought... and really hammering home the "self aware up to a point" idea here, given the "angsty teen" comments. Oh, and apparently her dad's a big deal for making the doors, so Uzi's family name is... Doorman. I wish I was making that up.

Uzi asks why Thad's in the nurse's office, making a joke about testosterone... which goes over Thad's head. Kinda curious myself, since he clearly intended to go there but didn't know UZI was there. It's a bit weird that the question's unanswered.

With the reason behind Thad being at the nurse going unanswered, he questions Uzi about the railgun, and Uzi explains that she's gonna sneak out to get the last part she needs... with Thad having a very good point on why she does that, while also making a reference to how it sounds like she's dealing with some emotional repression (I feel your pain, Uzi, I feel your pain).

Like, for real, WHY would she need to go specifically to the Murder Drone's lair to get the last part she needs? Couldn't she go, I dunno, anywhere else? Like, the things are hunting Workers like her, that doesn't mean they have an abundance of parts she'd need to make her railgun. ...Please don't tell me she's secretly suicidal, please...

Ha! The alarm's built into her head.

Uzi dramatically suiting up... before acting like every stereotypical teen ever in trying to swipe her parents' keys before leaving.

Okay, there's a big vent between the doors. While the whole "crawling through vents" thing is a hollywood invention, it's a genuine security risk when your enemies have missiles, are robots, and can fly. Oh, and Uzi immediately got caught by Khan while sneaking out, I guess. That's also something.

Khan just laughs off the idea of Uzi having a boyfriend. Dick move, Khan, Dick move.

Then Uzi manages to convince him she wants to get into doors like him, and he falls for it instantly. It's totally hilarious. Also, it kinda looks like Khan DOES want to bond with Uzi... but he's got a very limited understanding of how to do so. I don't think he's all there either, given he talked to one of his doors like it's a puppy dog.

...Okay, Khan needs therapy over having had to basically mercy kill Uzi's mom. Like, immediately.

Yeesh, getting a proper look at things outside of the compound, this place looks like shit. I've got no clue if it looked nicer after the Workers took over and just went to hell after the Murder Drones attacked, but... yeah, it's bad.

Okay, so... when Uzi said she "planned to go to the Murder Drones' Lair." She didn't just mean "around the corpse spire," she meant "into" it. ...The 'secretly suicidal' idea is looking more and more likely.

Huh, she actually found stuff other then murdered Worker parts. I'm surprised.

...And one of the Murder Drones is apparently back from a hunt and enjoying a "snack." Uzi, you should probably be reconsidering your life choices right now... and it spotted her. Yup, she's dead.

She got her fighting skills from pirated anime? This is believable, as she is a robot and thus can do shit that would break a human body.

And while it might've cost her an acid-injected hand, we finally get to see the Railgun go off!! ...Fuck that is both awesome and terrifying, AND SHE MADE THIS IN A CLOSED OFF OUTPOST!? Uzi is scary, and anyone who thinks she isn't is in denial.

Hurray, she killed one of the monsters and oh fuck they can regenerate their heads!! FUCK!!!

And she slapped it with a dismembered arm.

Huh, this Nazi-dressed robot's blinking headlight looks a bit off. Also, he's a sweetheart. WHO THOUGHT MAKING THE ROBOTIC MURDER MACHINE A SWEETHEART WAS A GOOD IDEA?!? Don't these people know that giving one of the vicious killers a heart of gold is guaranteed to make them turn on you!?

Huh, I guess his regeneration busted one of his sensors. So... Uzi's safe. For now.

Okay, we learned two things; one, they are called Disassembly Drones, and two, this guy's name is Serial Designation N. He is a puppo of adorableness that I wish to protect, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't need the help in that regard.

Please, N, stop talking. You are making it hard to remember you are a brutal murderer designed to kill everyone Uzi knows!

N is surprisingly chill at having lost three hours of time. Okay, so he's not just sweet, he's stupid as well; that does reduce the odds of him attempting a heel-face turn, the dumb ones tend to take the longest to realize they are on the wrong side.

ANd it looks like the acid is neutralized by the Disassembly Drone's saliva... what weirdo thought that was a good design choice!? Also, the way Uzi goes "we are never talking about this" is such a vibe.

N decides to give the scoop on the other two members:

First is V, who is... psychotic. That's literally the only word to describe it, she just comes off as insane and sadistic for the sake of being sadistic. She also might have some memory issues if she hasn't figured out who N is by this point.

Second is J, the leader. She seems, by all accounts, to be an ultra-aggressive, fanatically loyal corporate jackboot. On the other hand, everything about her screams to me "SHIP HER WITH UZI!!" So I shall. It's toxic, but it is a good poison to endure.

Uzi describes the device in the Murder Drone's base as a spaceship, N as a one use missile (since they weren't taught how to land). They are, technically speaking, both right. Ships need fuel, so unless Uzi could scrounge up enough to transport them off the planet, AND scavenge all the components needed to repair it, it'd be better served breaking it down for parts and coming up with a new design entirely.

Also, the fact that Uzi, a violently unstable Drone with a chip on her shoulder about her people being left to slaughter, is thinking about getting off the planet... yeah, that's a warning sign about her intentions right there.

N's reasoning for continuing the slaughter, aside from the very creepy vibes that imply he and the rest are addicted to Worker Oil (VAMPIRE VIBES!!!) and the pragmatic reason that they need to do so to avoid overheating and dying... it fits him as a character, but also kind of highlights that he's not mentally suited for all this stuff, and makes me question who thought including him in this was a good idea. Although given he's lasted this long, he's definitely not harmless.

Uzi then hits the nail on the head; the Disassembly Drones have no guarantee that they won't be scrapped themselves once their mission is done... but given that J probably wouldn't care given how much of a fanatic she comes off as, and V is too insane to probably process the idea, N might be swayed... given time, at least.

Okay, Uzi apparently has enough survival instincts to run for it when she realized that the other two, non-malfunctioning Murder Drones are back. Good on her!

I'm honestly surprised that V didn't just attack Uzi the second she saw her, given her personality. Of course, said personality might be WHY she's not attacking; her mind probably doesn't think in traditional processes regarding priorities. Still, it's weird that she didn't go for the kill given how brutal she is.

Huh, the Disassembly Drones can reboot each other using slaps. That's... an interesting design choice.

And N, now able to actually remember and process the data his sensors were feeding him, instantly goes to get rid of Uzi's railgun, out of concern of what it would do to his squad. WHY IS HE SO WHOLESOME!? Then again, he's chasing Uzi back to the Doors, and Uzi has the master key and is absolutely slower then him... yeah, we're probably gonna be seeing N's dangerous side in a moment or two.

And now the Worker Defense Force are dropping death flags. I gotta say, I genuinely do like the tongue-in-cheek nature of this; like, they are being incredibly obvious they are dropping death flags, but the show is making it so clear that these folks know about tropes, even subconsciously, that it makes this morbidly funny.

Uzi tries to close the door... too late.

Yeah... N prying open those massive doors using nothing but his bare hands (clawed though they may be), is super terrifying, and I am unashamed to admit it. I would be pissing myself if I was there in person.

Yup, still N. Even when he has to remind himself he's planning to kill everyone there, he's just such a sweetheart. WHY!? WHY WOULD YOU GIVE US SUCH A SWEET HEART YOU CRUEL WORLD!?

And this... this is the slaughter I was dreading was coming. Seeing just how brutally N is killing them all, I'm severely disturbed. Like, this is horrific even WITH the Drones, if they were people, animated or not...? Yeah, this would be a gore fest.

Hey, Khan got the pack of cards! ...How long does it take to get a fresh pack of playing cards?

N continues to be a sweetheart even while planning to murder someone he had a nice time with.

...There is no way Khan is going to shoot. The dude is screaming PTSD attacks. Also, I'm surprised N is taking so long in killing Uzi, enough time to do nothing as Khan slowly backs away and closes the doors and raises the alarm. Seriously, what is it about Uzi that is holding the Murder Drones back!?

V claiming to have been trying to get past the doors for months isn't really as vast a length of time as it sounds. V doesn't seem the type to really understand the idea of trying different tactics; odds are she just kept blasting at it in the hopes she'd eventually get through.

Hey look, N is starting to show doubts about their mission! I guess seeing a PTSD-driven coward of a father abandon his daughter to die would do that. Unfortunately, he's trying that on the literal fanatic who has made it clear that even if she's willing to be civil when he does a good job, she will KILL him if he proves himself too much of a liability. We can all guess where this is going.

Honestly, given how fanatic she is for the company, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if J believes her own speech about putting N down being for his own good... and the way she describes their mission being that the Workers are corrupted, as well as how Uzi seems strangely protected from immediate murdering... maybe there's more going on with this?

But yeah, J is being a total dick to N. Bad J. Uzi will make you sleep on the couch for this!

Okay, so Uzi's alive, and is now forced to work with N in order to save her outpost. Honestly, I can get it; even if N's nice, he's been knowingly and willingly complicit in the slaughter of her people... but she's at least willing to work with him. They give me very "Dumbass Big Bro/Smartass Little Sis" vibes.

Hey, it's Thad again! Honestly curious how he's alive, since neither of the Murder Drones on the attack seem the type to let someone survive a hit from them if they aren't in a position to instantly kill them at point blank range. It's odd. Maybe Thad's weird in whatever way Uzi is, but less? Or maybe Uzi's a vector for some kind of virus...?

Wow, N is standing up to himself! THAT'S A MIRACLE!!!

Wow, Uzi making N fight his crush? That's cold. Oooh, maybe it's the battle of future lovers!? /j (Yes, I know there's no chance in hell that Uzi gets with J, but my dream lives on in my heart!!)

Really surprised J just stood there while Uzi chucked a pen at her head hard enough to rupture one of her eye things. Seriously, what is it about Uzi that makes Murder Drones be dumb!?

Huh, even in the middle of a fight, J can't help but be a Corporate shill.

N, having an emotional conflict about having to battle your crush should wait until she's NOT blasting missiles at you.

Hey, N managed to beat V via gross-out tactics! It's less disgusting then normal! Helps that he's a robot, but still, using licking as a distraction to get free to assist an ally is valid.

Okay, so in addition to being a shill, J's also the type to plan her monologue's in advance. I approve! Oh, and she got stabbed by her own nanite tail stinger thing, and in a place she can't use her saliva to neutralize... and she uses business terms in place of cursing. I knew she was a shill, but MAN is she a shill!!!

Uzi claimed she would fire if J said one more buzzword... but given the grin on her face, she was gonna do it anyway... which I think J realized. And now J is nothing but arms and her lower torso... given that the Murder Drones can regenerate, they should probably get those parts in some kind of storage/isolation/prison thing or whatever.

Now, this would be the part where the rebel outcast, having saved their people from danger, is now accepted as a hero... but instead, seeing as Uzi is rightfully pissed off at Khan for leaving her for dead, she decides to leave and banish herself. Also, I think her head might be a bit scrambled if she thought that anyone would banish her; yeah, she lead the Murder Drones to them, but she also saved all their lives and (possibly) took one of the Murder Drones down for good. That's HUGE.

And now Uzi reveals her big plan; kill all humans in revenge, laughing maniacally, while some weird symbol appears in her eye. Huh... looks like that whole "we're here because the Workers are corrupted" bit might not have been full of baloney after all! And more Murder Drones are on their way... that's not good.

I gotta say, this was awesome. Not as funny as I'd hoped, but so far, I think it's balancing the tongue in cheek referential and meta humor with the ongoing actions well enough. Looking forward to more!!

[gingerylangylang1979]

When a man knows, he knows

Disclaimer: I’m making this analysis solely based on my memories of Season 2 and all the Tumblr meta. I just don’t have the stomach to go back and rewatch quite yet because I do need to rewatch the Carmy and Claire scenes for more clarity. I’m still in recovery. 

So I keep trying to figure out the Carmy and Claire thing. There are so many angles and it’s a bit confusing. I get him trying to capitalize on the opportunity to explore the childhood crush and his youth, I get her ties to the Berzattos, I get that she was an escape and provided comfort and reassurance, I get that he couldn’t balance opening The Bear and starting a new relationship in the honeymoon phase, I get that he never showed his real self to her and she coddled him. 

My question, and I’m almost afraid to ask, but it must be done, is do they stand any kind of a chance if he did find balance, healed a bit, and felt worthy of love. Why am I asking this? Because I’m trying to imagine a scenario where he is doing better and what would make him try again with her. 

Maybe I have my Carmy and Sydney shipper goggles on but I keep coming back to choice. When a man knows, he knows. Of all the men in my life who were serious about me, they just knew. That doesn’t mean they weren’t nervous at times or may have asked those close to them for advice. But they just knew they were all in. And they were all in because of me, not to escape something else. A partner can be a solace in the storm, true. But there is a difference between recharging in the warmth and care of a partner after facing a battle. But that isn’t what Carmy did. He literally was running from obligations and using his very much undefined relationship as a hideout. 

So I never felt like he chose Claire. He had to be told to label it, he said he loved her a lot, and on some level perhaps he did/does (which later he switches back to like?), but it’s not the kind of in love that means a choice was made. And for as bad as it got in the finale, I’m not sure a new relationship is worth trying to rekindle when all of that hurt happened between two people and one is head over heels and the other one is having a panic attack at the thought of it. 

I mean what would be a proper next step? If they continue this into next season, my goodness. How would Claire have any dignity and what would be Carmy’s motivation? The only way I could see it is if because of him not being present for opening he slacks off with her again because he feels useless. But I don’t know if I see that, it would be a repeat of him using her as a distraction and would be boring for the audience. 

He’s also becoming aware of his feelings for Sydney and I think that will show more next season while they also have conflict about his commitment. Do we need Claire in the middle of that? The only way I would be okay with that is if the tables turn and Carmy goes hard for The Bear and Claire is the one asking for more while he is committed to Sydney (the storyline I wanted for this season). 

Anyways, rambles, rambles. 

[blommp717]

While learning how everything is an illusion, this past weekend I learnt something dark about my boyfriend’s past that he hid from me.

Im still processing so now I’m confused and find it hard to be focusing my awareness on things that bring me more peace.

It’s like I want to be aware of ugly shit.

Anyway. I’m confused and I want to wake up again. I want peace. I want to feel loved and desired. And I can’t find the mental peace to become that.

I guess I’m asking for help? Or just needing to write this.

Anyway, thank you. You are the best.

Hello! I’ve been inactive these past few days but you guys are stacking my inbox 🤭🤭😭😭 (I LUV U GUYS) soooo I think ima respond now

So you did say “I guess I’m asking for help or just needing to write this” I’m not really sure what kind of help you want sooo pls maybe clarify in terms of what you’d like, however you also said you just want to recognize peace.

What I will say is, with the limited info (and that’s totally okay, please never share more than your comfortable with) if your partner is associated with dangerous or harmful behaviors that can affect you or goes against your morals, tread carefully and take care of yourself first 🫶.

Anyways moving forward, so these past few days I had been going through (and it’s fine I feel incredible now) some realllyyy dark “spiraling”. And after “coming out of it” I realized, (and this is just my opinion) truly everything is beautiful, to a certain degree of course, this entire experience is so interesting? The high highs and the low lows, the feelings the “self talk”, it all feels like a hurricane sometimes yet it’s completely nothing. I’m sorry if I’m not making that much sense but I’m finding it hard to put into words right now.

It’s okay to exist, just exist, recognize the emotions as what they inherently are, they can’t mean anything, they don’t actually have some kind of permanent affect. Waves if sensations cross the body on its own, a feeling, a thought, an idea, solely exists as those things on its own. A feeling without labels is just a thing. A sensation. A moment of “something” and ultimately nothing. It feels so complicated in the moment but inherently it’s so simple.

The source of it all is what all appears to be. Everything, everyone. So what’s there to run from? I truly understand how dominating it can feel, but if all is ground zero, at an equal, completely whole and one, why try to force a “better” feeling when we ultimately know, that’s not how it works. Fighting to feel better.

It feels hard as self, it feels like a journey and a task to the idea of self.

As wholeness and “ “, it’s just being. I think what’s pointed me back several times is, how would this experience be assessed or taken if this sense of me, this sense of self, was deleted, was pulled away from the equation. If there is no identity in any of this, who feels good or bad? Who gains or lacks, who worries or doubts. No one.

Recognize each moment that seems to be difficult with the understand that there is no self, just the appearance of it.

Also I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this but I will, this doesn’t mean ignore your environment, please if your in genuine danger or in the vicinity of something that can harm you, PLSSSSSS don’t just sit there and go “there’s no self so I’m not being harassed or abused” 😭😭😭

Anyways, love you, take care 🌴☀️🫶