#but then it was just a lot of heartache

[dollypopup]

"Colin should have grovelled more!" "Penelope folded too easily"

I think statements like this typically come from people who like Penelope. . .but don't really understand her. And don't really understand just why she cares for Colin, and just why him groveling would not in any way bring her peace.

Penelope and Colin are kindred spirits in their loneliness, in season 3 more than any others. Penelope had lost her friendship with Eloise, and Colin didn't really have a close friend circle to begin with. Except with Pen. Pen was the person he could put the mask down for, could open up to, (in particular with their 'dreams' discussion) and that's why he couldn't even entertain the idea of giving up talking to her in Season 2. She is a vital part of his life, and holds so much significance and importance to him.

I imagine that's what made their silence over his travels especially painful for him. They spent such a long time talking after Season 1, and he even informs her that her letters were so encouraging, that it helped him heal something inside of himself. That if she could see him in a gentle way. . .so could he. (And he repays this, because he is honest to god out here acting and looking at her like she hung the moon in the sky). But without her presence in his life, he spiraled. Didn't feel confident in being who he is, and thus put on his persona more firmly. We know this because he wrote in his journal that "I want to be less needy, less insecure, while still maintaining the core of my vulnerability that makes me who I am". That he misses his family, that he misses home.

And we know, from the books, that Home? Home is Penelope. Penelope is his North Star, is his guiding force, and who I argue he feels he needs. In his very first scene, he looks toward her house, tries to find her in the window. When he does not, he returns to his family. In the outdoor gathering, he looks for her and finds her, eager to talk. He states aloud that he misses her, and I imagine he wrote it, too. Not hearing back from her over the course of his travels was surely something that hurt him, but he doesn't hold any ill will toward her for it, only wants to reconnect again. In fact, the one and only time he brings up how he misses her and that she didn't respond, she makes very clear the reason why: she heard what he said and it hurt her. And he's ashamed of it.

Colin hears her call him cruel, and instead of ruffling his feathers about it, instead of getting upset, instead of having a chip on his shoulder as I feel so many men would about it. . .he understands why she does so.

Penelope is a woman who has been largely treated poorly in her society. She feels unheard, she feels undesired, and in her circumstances, and I can't help but ask myself. . .has anyone ever truly apologized to Penelope for hurting her, before? Her mother? Her sisters? Eloise, likely, but. . .anyone else? And the way Colin did? Because of all the characters in the show, Colin? Colin knows how to apologize. He has a lot of practice in it. And very importantly: Colin, a man of privilege in his society, apologizes. . .predominately to women. To Marina, to his mother, and multiple times to Penelope.

Ultimately, Penelope wants to be heard, Penelope wants to be understood, Penelope wants to feel desired.

And Colin checks every single one of those boxes. He informs he is not who he was before, and then he proves it to her. He hears that he hurt her, and he comments on it directly. An entire night apart, and he comes back to her 'Because I embarrass you' with 'I am most certainly not ashamed of you', replies to her 'I am a laughingstock' with 'you are clever, and warm, and I am proud to call you my good friend'. He hears her proclaim her own insecurities, and empathizes so deeply with her. He listens. He understands. He makes clear that he cares for her, and that she *is* desired. 'You lift my spirits' 'I seek you out at every social assembly'. That she helps him see the world in ways he loves, that he sees HER and how much she has cared for HIM, that she makes him feel appreciated, that he appreciates her, in turn.

And then? Then? He shows her. He tells her, and he shows her. His actions all throughout Season 3 reinforce this apology. He continues looking for her in every corner of every ballroom, he continues complimenting her, he laughs at her jokes and respects her boundaries, he is ever so gentle with her, he listens to her with an attentiveness that no one else has ever given her. To Lady Whistledown? Sure. But to Penelope? Who else in the entirety of that ton has listened to Penelope the way Colin has?

Absolutely no one.

Penelope Featherington ghosts Colin Bridgerton for months with no explanation, and Colin comes back wanting to reach out to her, and she finally tells him why.

And he apologizes. Because he listens. Really, truly listens. And really truly cares.

I need you to understand how rare that is, even nowadays, but especially back then. That Colin is the kind of man who can put his hurt to the side and realize he made a mistake, that he said something callous, and he adores her, and he can't lose her, and he has to see her and make it right.

Because that's why Penelope fell for Colin. Not because he's beautiful, not for his charm, not for his family. But for his heart. Because he shows her kindness in a world that so often disregards her. Because he seeks her out and tries to understand her, truly hears what she has to say and compliments her, says he's sorry and looks at things from her perspective.

Because he saw her when she was invisible.

Penelope Featherington, who grew up in a house that made cruel jabs at her, has Colin Bridgerton come to her and say he regrets what he said, and that he was wrong, and that he understands why she's mad at him. Penelope Featherington who has so rarely had much of anyone tell her that they're sorry for what they said about her, sits before Colin Bridgerton as he professes how much she means to him. That he cannot even spend a full day away from her knowing they're on bad terms with each other without making it right. That he sees how she is hurting and he has to in any way he can amend it. She is lonely, with no one really in her corner at the start of season 3, and she feels like she lost it all, and Colin comes to her and says 'no, I'm here and I appreciate you and you are special to me, please let me in and let me prove it'. Is it any wonder why after she shakes his hand, she stands in the sun, and she feels the warmth of it, she can smile? That she can breathe, again? That she can be truly content for the first time in the season?

Because Penelope Featherington does not want Colin to beg. She knows him. She knows the tender, full heart he hides behind the new cavalier persona. She knows the soft underbelly of Colin Bridgerton.

He never had to grovel. All he had to do was love her. Assuredly. Fervently. Loudly. Unapologetically.

And he does.

[finnleyandsillys]

*Insert the audio ‘RICKY WHEN I CATCH YOU RICKY’*

If you wanna see my opinion on anything slow it down ig its all kinda shitty 🤷

Lex when I catch you lex

@lexumpysfunland you are still driving me insane. Summer camp was a lot of me yapping about this.

[hannahssimblr]

In the evening we bike to the shop to buy firelighters. Jen says she likes the idea of a bonfire while we eat our barbeque food, even though the only time one has even been lit at the beach house is when my dad did it, all the while ranting on about how he learned everything he knew about fire in the boy scouts, and how if I had an iota of discipline or self control I might have benefitted from them before the local pack expelled me for being a shithead.

He was right. I reluctantly accept it as Jen and I approach the materials for making fire. Nobody has ever told me about the difference between briquettes and coal, what firelighters actually look like and exactly where peat plays into all of this. I know nothing about how to do manly things, and only ever figured out how to pitch a tent after subtly watching Shane do it the first time he and I went camping in the woods. 

In contrast, my father has shot an actual gun. He and his brothers hunted deer, game and wild pigs in the hills around their family farmhouse in Redding California. As they loaded up their rifles and zipped up their jackets they would say things to me about how I’d be coming with them someday, as though was some sort of honour, something to strive for, but by the time I was big enough to kill pheasants I was already five thousand miles away drawing comics on printer paper. My soft hands were meant for art.

“You grab the firelighters,” I tell Jen, and take a swerve towards the magazine stand so that I can peruse something in my comfort zone. There’s a small selection of artsy magazines, and I flip one open. 

“Um, do you think we should buy gasoline or something?” She stands chewing on her lip. 

“Probably not, right? That seems dangerous.”

“Should we ask someone?” 

“What? No.” Embarrassing.

I pretend to be engrossed in an article so that I don’t have to help, but while I'm there, an ad catches my eye, “Hey,” I call out to Jen, “would you want to go to an exhibition this weekend?”

“What kind?”

“Art.”

“Yeah, what kind?”

I turn the page to her so that she can see it, “contemporary,” and her eyes narrow at the images of weird sculptures made of bits of scrap metal, canvases with random splatters of paint dripping off the bottom, colour bleeding onto the floor.

“Hm. See, that’s the kind of weird art I don’t get.”

“It’s not about the art specifically, it’s about us doing something fun together.”

“And that’s in Dublin?”

“Yes.”

She smirks in a self satisfied way, “You’re bored,” she stops a passing customer to ask him if he knows what firelighters are, and if so, what does the box look like.

He shows her, and while she’s picking up the last two packets I come to stand with her, not helping, because now I'm more interested in selling this new idea to her. “It’ll be fun! How nice would it be to have a change of scenery? Get back to the city where stuff is actually happening, maybe go to that ice cream place you like.”

I’m certain this will sway her, but she pulls a face, “There’s loads of ice cream here, and the only reason you think nothing is happening on the beach is because you’re deliberately not doing anything.”

“Is it so bad that I want to have a day out with you?”

“No, I suppose not, but...” She wrinkles her nose “Fine. I don't want to be cynical. Do you think I’m cynical?”

“Yeah a bit.” I pay for the firelighters. As we exit the shop into the lingering light of the evening I admit to her, “I’m trying to cheer myself up, I just think I should make the most of the time I have left.”

She laughs, “It sounds like you’re terminally ill. You’re moving. So what? I’ll still talk to you all the time.”

“Yeah but I really want to savour these last few weeks. Will you come to the gallery?” I grip her arm and pretend to die, letting my knees buckle under me to really sell it, “...before it’s too late?”

“God, yes, fucking hell,” she groans, “I’ll come. I’ll do whatever you want for the rest of the summer, right?”

I throw an arm around her, “Thanks Jen.”

“Yeah, manipulator.”

“Takes one to know one,” I say cheerily, and we unlock our bikes and head towards home.

Beginning // Prev // Next

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

what if . stsg/reader isekai au except reader gets sent from the canon universe to a fix-it fic :3…. where they’re married to satoru and suguru…..

[hi-im-just-a-fan-here]

Fucking finally I made another one of the art Nouveau inspired pieces. It's not the best as I had a long break but I tried.

[datshitrandom]

Favorite Fanfics (107/?): Invisible strings by @fallevs

[katierosefun]

oh there's something particularly painful about my mister in that dong hoon tells ji an that as long as no one knows, it's no big deal, and there's something particularly painful about how ji an tells dong hoon that sometimes, i want [my secret] to play out on big screens for everyone to see, and there's something particularly painful about how the second dong hoon meets the loan shark tormenting ji an, he starts screaming and yelling about how she's just a kid, how could you do that to a kid, and there's something particularly painful about how dong hoon doesn't even let ji an know he did that, but ji an knows. she knows because she was listening in the entire time and she just starts crying because someone actually knows this ugly, sad part of her and still took her side, and something particularly painful about how my mister started with as long as no one knows, it's no big deal but really concludes with there is so much risk in having someone know who you are but there's also so much comfort and peace to be found in that, too and maybe you shouldn't isolate yourself and maybe you should reach for that kind of comfort in being known and loved anyways

[uncanny-tranny]

I think the thing about the way people conceptualize empathy is... when you're interacting with other people, they are going through things that, which you may empathize with, you won't always understand, partially because you're two different people, but also because not all situations are 1:1 copy-pastes that are easy to understand.

This isn't saying that empathy is useless, but that acknowledging when you relate personally to somebody and yet also recognizing that this is their struggle is important. When people pretended to empathize with me, it made me feel like I was being placated to. I felt like people were only trying to shut me up by saying that they, personally, "get it," when I knew they didn't. I just don't want people replicating that because they genuinely do want to help the people in their lives.

[v-tired-queer]

Sometimes a part of being a Christian who is/has gone through trauma and/or heartbreak is listening to a sad pop song and equating it to Jesus

[faaun]

if i had an allergic reaction again will my friend appear to hold my hand again if i get really drunk again will they carry me home if i'm too sick to get up will she call me at 5 AM to check up again if we've missed a flight and we're stuck in city we weren't meant to be in at 2AM will he tell me about philosophy again if i make bad decisions will she almost slap me in the face and hand me a cigarette again if i feel lost will she share shitty kebab and tell me about her life again will we get to play poker together again

[thebirdandhersong]

all shall be well :')))) ALL SHALL BE WELL

[recitedemise]

A hall of curiosities, isn't it? a perfumed dowager says.

Most certainly, hums another in a white laced ensemble. A half-dead gentleman, and a half-dead girl.

Gale's legs, restless, long madly to bolt. 

For a whole of a year he has been a phantom, a well-rumored one, drearily isolated and viciously scarred. His chest still aches, his high-collared outfit by that pulsating wound, but evidently, humoring his sorrows made for miserable company. Go, his mother ordered. And attend that dance. He's still polite and mannered, has yet four springs worth of charm to glow the room, but in fearsome measures that he has never once felt, the need for books, for quiet, settles in thick. God. Gale lies with a grin, leaving a lord for what he says is the washroom. When he slips instead into a too-shadowed study, its the shimmer of her gown that makes him stop. "Ah. Apologies. I--" Was hiding? Fleeing? Am a most ill-mannered man to wander this home? Gale leans against the door, scouring for answers. He rightens, straightens, starlight scant in his hair. "Was feeling difficult, I suppose." Ha! "As rousing as tonight's conversation is, I was yearning for a debate with one Sir Elameth. A great mind, his. Perhaps you've met." / @highevar, liked.

[pigeon-mermaid]

Spiritfarer is so much fun, i love crying & being sad

[therevengeoffrankenstein]

'heaven's gate' is truly a pinnacle of all the references to not making it into heaven that permeate much of fob's discography. it is one of their most straightforward love songs. because of course it is.

[merkerlerspeaks]

I just watched the most recent fionna and cake episodes and it got me thinking for....a while. It is VERY similar to how I would write an adult show (plus and minus a few select things) and it got me thinking about how deeply and how badly I want a show to depict overcoming addiction. For that to be a big centerpoint about it. But I want it to be written a certain way. It would deal with dark themes, possibly gore, mental illness, depression, there would be substance abuse- my big line is avoiding dirty humour/unnecessary sexual content and foul language.

I have a story I have been sitting on for a while. Im not going to elaborate very much because I don't know if it is one I want to share on here yet (I'll think about it) but it is with this main character who, out of circumstances far beyond her control, has an unrelenting drug addiction and the majority of her story about be about overcoming it. Something about that idea just.....resonates with me I guess? I've never had a drug addiction but I am thinking about ways I could pull stuff from real life, my life, my experiences, the people around me, stories I've heard (similar to what I've done with The Children of Earth & Time) and it just feels....right. Like this is a story I need to make happen.

A christian-themed adult TV show about the struggles of overcoming addiction and grief, deals with dark themes but isn't raunchy and foul. Something that isn't afraid to lean into exploring those dark areas, and allow for flawed human beings, but still be something I wouldn't be hesitant to admit to watching. If that makes sense. It just feels really important to me with the realization I just came too. Im not elaborating on that though.

[strangefable]

sometimes the tumblr experience is scrolling the dash and you see something and you're just like:

and there's several long minutes of 'do i make a post sharing my thoughts and opinions? do i say things out loud? do i acknowledge this?'

and you start to write it out but then you're like. 'actually, naaaaaah.' and you're hard deleting it all while thinking: