#but then i accidentally made myself sad 🙃

[howthesleeplesswander]

Two questions in one

What are some words that will get you on your knees? Scared. And why do those words have such an impact?

Answered! || @itsthedeadlyduo

((I snorted so loud when I first read this asdlfsjd but then when Amaya replied it got sad 8'D tysm for sending this!! It was super fun to answer! ;w; ❤️))

"I beg your pardon?" Amaya's hand went to her chest, brows pinching and lips agape. At least the other quickly provided further context to clarify implied vulgarity—although their intended meaning wasn't much better.

"Truthfully, I'm concerned as to why you would ask such a thing," she said, her expression only minutely smoothing from aghast to apprehensive. Yet, almost more disturbing than the questions themselves was the speed with which answers crystallized in her mind.

Not words, but images: a collage of shattered glass, their edges razor-sharp and dripping red; obfuscated with a charcoal haze, and yet Amaya would never forget the horrors they held.

Screams and blistering fire. Horse hooves pounding on red-slicked pavement. Smoke and fear so thick she could hardly breathe.

So much destruction. So much suffering.

If Rosas was ever threatened...If she had to face the loss of another home, if she failed to protect anyone else she loved...

A familiar ache echoed deep within her bones. Amaya weathered it the same as the rocks along their fair island's shore weathered the tides: worn down by each crashing wave, but steadfast all the same. Unbroken even under the most relentless onslaught.

"No words could possibly convey the pain I would feel if anything were to happen to Rosas." And there, on the very word expressing it, the queen's voice was woven with a thread of that heart-wrenching, world-changing anguish. A deep breath wavered at the inhale, hitched in her throat before releasing again...slowly...becoming steady. When she continued, Amaya's voice was hardened by the same resolve that gleamed in her eyes.

"My husband and I built this city not from ashes and rubble, but from the strength and spirit of those who stood beside us amid that destruction. Even if the worst were to happen—" again, added the part of her that bore the scar of being hollowed out by all she'd lost, "—so long as there was a single hope for Rosas, I would not despair. I would fight for it to my final breath."

[girl-dot-tzt]

Alright results are in, I'm not allowed to finish for 36 days 🙃

Im going to update this as a lil diary to keep me honest💃

Day 1: I'm feeling pretty good, I notice I get really horny when I take my prog the ✨️fun way✨️ so I'm going to use that method to increase the challenge this month. I'm thinking of meeting a friend tomorrow so I'm excited!

Day 2: more of the same, pretty standard, had a great time with said friend. Getting a teeny but pent up but nothing crazy yet.

Day 3: getting more pent up but it's still manageable, made the mistake of reading a ton of horny posts and getting myself really horny. Thankfully I calmed down and now I'm good to go

Day 4: went to work, did some bike wrenching, now im boutta sleep. pretty uneventful but I'm meeting a good friend of mine tomorrow so I plan on making up for the lack of horny twofold. I need to get some Oregonian mutuals bc I'd like to bite someone :3

Day 5: got my tits fondled for like 3 hours while I watched anime and got insanely high, I need like 4 people to hold me down and grope/tease/fuck me... preferably all at once. I've got 31 more daysssssss, does it count if it's hands free? 🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️

Day 6: got no sleep, very horny, idk what direction Is up, and I need an answer to the question from yesterday 😫

Day 7: got sleep but not railed because if I get railed too well I'll could possibly finish and idk if that's OK yet :3. I'm going to mountain bike today! I'm super excited bc I need something to take the edge off, if I'm really unlucky I'll get too horny from the idea of getting fucked in the woods and make an update here.

Day 8: we're evening out a little, this may not be impossible, tbf I haven't had time to do much lately so when I finally get the time to ride my toys that might change. I'm planning on doing that tomorrow :3

Day 8 update: I accidentally took two progesterone pills because I boof mine, but I accidentally muscle memory-ed taking my prog orally. Got so horny during work that I nearly cried.

Day 9: I broke some spokes while mountain biking and now I'm sad, but horny and frustrated too. I can only think about being bred, but also being sad that my bike broke, damn fucking stupid sticks getting inbetween my fucking spokes. I need railed bad, etcetera etcetera

Day 10:

Girl abs, that is all

Day 11: I'm going to fuck myself on the biggest toy I own until I'm crying or edging with my Pspot🧍‍♀️ I will return

Day 12: I'm pretty sure I ended up getting edged. Pretty sure because I've never actually finished hands free before and my vibrator died right before I was about to finish. One of you witchy mother fuckers knew I was about to cheat or something, no other explanations, couldn't possibly be that I forgot to charge toys like a dumbass. Laugh it up, I got edged hard by my ADHD.

Days 13: I had a threesome and it was awesome! I explained my agreement to them and got teased a bunch as me and my friend dommed the fuck out of a gorgeous girl. We groped and kissed and sucked all over her body as she got more and more worked up, until eventually I was fucking her with my big purple vibrator and she came hands free for the first time! We made sure to shower her with all kinds of praise and congratulations 💃💃

Days 14-16: started a new job, I'm getting so horny these days that rather than feeling butterflies it's like an almost painful NEED. Like I just desperately need to get tied up and ground into dust, getting edged with my vibrator did a number on me because I'm a mess rn😆

Days 17-20: if I may be honest i embarked on this endeavor to try to finish hands free, I've never done it before but I desperately want to. I think I'll be able to do it by the end of these 36 days or sooner. Idk it's just a hunch🧍‍♀️

Day 21-29: 10 hr shifts in a lab will drive you nuts when there's nothing to think about but getting railed and ice cream percentages. On the plus side I am not only paid but required to eat ice cream every hour at my job. On the downside, I got so horny I cried last night🧍‍♀️😵‍💫😵‍💫

[chthonicgodling]

how many kids does your Loki actually have?

(hi everyone I am right now accepting eLoki’n’kids questions, pre-Elysium, past-Elysium, current-Elysium— pls. please please. pls pls pls pl—)

[prev question over here too!]

WELL i’ve actually been retconning one Elysium-child out of existence (no one cared about him anyway shshsh) and been back and forth with myself on doing that to another one EDIT:AND FINALLY DECIDED TO DEMOTE THE OTHER ONE so the current *but subject to change* count is 13!! ALL accidental it’s worth mentioning dggkfg

(plus - who knows if any more children might be in his future! Who knows!!! anything could happen!! anything at all………………...)

I’ll go through them all in order of oldest to newest!* (weird wording due to* Libby*) Please enjoy this blend of Norse mythy realness & Elysium brand chaos, under the cut cause it’s soooo extremely long of course; I mentioned it at the bottom but special warnings for some Dark Mentions in here of things like child death,/ murder/ miscarriage / & of course less dark but general pregnancy talks—

1- Sleipnir! Loki’s first born, the eldest son, also notably one of just two amongst all of them who has not been able to move into Elysium :(( Sleipnir- true to myth - is an eight legged horse, carried by Loki (in the shape of a horse) after being sired by Entire Horse Svaldifari. it’s… a long ridiculous story that ended up in an oopsie baby spider foal (you can just look up this Norse myth lmao) and that was all well and good until Loki finally returned to Asgard with toddler horse and Odin took him away. This first event - the first of what would be many tragic circumstances to follow surrounding his first six kids - was the start and beginning of Loki’s deep-seated trauma and paranoid caginess surrounding all of his pregnancies/children. to this day Sleipnir remains in service of the Aesir as Odin’s personal stallion, where Elysium can’t just take him since Odin would obviously notice and Loki is technically a wanted escaped fugitive in his home world so 🙃 horrifically sad and traumatizing forever. uhhh anyway!

2- Hela! Loki’s eldest daughter. I literally just drew her yesterday over here!! She’s the other one of all the kids who has not moved to Elysium. Loki is Hela’s mother, & she was sired by the Frost Giantess Angrboda, with whom Loki had begun to rendezvous with solely as an act of general rebellion against well, everyone. Loki uhhhhhh had not expected to somehow get magically pregnant from these encounters, biologically nonsensical as it was, but he’d delightedly rolled with it after the first time (and would return to her twice more hoping for more accidents - and receiving them - before she finally shooed him away). Like I said in her drawing, Hela was half dead once she was born, and half of her decomposes, regenerates, decomposes. As a teenager she and her younger siblings (the next two bullet points) were ripped from Loki by Odin and each respectively banished away in isolation out of fear of their growing powers. Hela is the queen of the Norse Dead and resides in their Underworld of Niflheim, where she has made a home and an obligation for herself that she will not abandon, even for the chance to reunite with her mom :(

3- Fenris! (also known as The Fenris Wolf….. also known as Fen), the former GIANT WOLF born to Loki & Angrboda again, nowadays shapeshifted into your run of the mill big hulking werewolfy Viking. Once again birthed by Loki as a puppy:) before growing extremely big with no sign of stopping. yes wolf-shape-Fen is larger than even Cerberus. Growing up as a gigantic bloodthirsty ravenous wolf but truly just misunderstood and unfairly judged Fen too was separated and banished during Odin’s scourge, imprisoned in isolation on the island of Lyngvi for many many years… until the coming of Ragnarok in ~2014ish (as Eisa and Einmyria were being born) - which Loki during canon Elysium events circumvented by freeing Fen, transforming him into a human shape, finally bringing him home to the Elysium palace. Fen is like ~palace adjacent~ he and his brother Jör are near inseparable and prefer to spend their time roaming the Underworld rather than confining to one place after so many years of being locked up.

4- Jörmundgandr! (also known as The World Serpent, The Midgard Serpent….. and also known as Jör) - the former GIGANTIC SEA SERPENT born ALSO to Loki and Angrboda, the last of their children before they “broke up” (had they even been dating??) Like By the time Jör was born - again to Loki yes as a big snake even then but. Quite a bit Smaller thank god. - Angrboda was finally like Jesus christ ENOUGH stop using me to sire children leave me alone??? and that was the End of that relationship or lack thereof. Jör was the last of the three kids that Odin banished away at once, he was thrown into The oceans of Midgard (EARTH) to wrap around the world nine times, ending with swallowing his own tail in one big ouroboros……. Like his older brother, Jör was freed and transformed humanoid to prevent Ragnarok in 2014 and lives Elysium-adjacent with Fen. Fun fact Jör was friends with mermaid Glaukos even as a big snake - from living in the oceans! Glaukos was able to reunite them when Loki first fell to Elysium yaaay. Also. it’s worth mentioning that even humanoid Jör is constantly biting his nails some things don’t change…. The ouroboros continues……

5 & 6- Vali and Nari! Who I just drew as teeny newborns over here and whomst I have drawn many MANY times. Normal human shapes except in the modern day Elysium canon….. they’re ghosties, eternally ten years old :(((( Loki carried the twins too though they’ve always called him father; their mother was the goddess Sigyn, nowadays Loki’s Big Ex (one of em.) after being Loki’s longest committed relationship, wife adjacent. the twins were conceived by accident of course very shortly after their previous three siblings were taken away, but Loki & Sigyn had been in a relationship for QUITE some time before that, as she’d acted as step parent to the trio since their early childhood. When Loki killed Balder as revenge for the loss of the trio, Odin magically bewitched ten year old Vali and Nari to kill each other and left their horrific remains for Loki to find (enough left for Loki to enchant the pieces himself and sEE WHAT HAD HAPPENED AND BY WHO).

This was one of the most horrifying and traumatizing things to have ever happened to Loki, now SIX losses of his beloved children— a catalyst for his period of supervillainry in which we allll know what happened. Sigyn also left him - an incredibly ugly breakup that didn’t help anything, as she’d blamed him fully for their deaths. When Loki ended up in Elysium, Tory transferred their ghosts from one Underworld to another and reunited them at long last :’)) finally the beginning of a happy ending!! As cheerful ghosts, solidified and recolored by their new bestest friend Meli (the goddess of ghosts) the twins DO live a happy and fulfilling life, and their return to his arms was the biggest step to Loki in Elysium finally starting to pull himself together. yay!!! and now the Elysium continuation kids!

7- Fjöer! son of Loki and Laphi, Loki’s first baby in the Elysium palace! Fjoer is half owl like his dad Laphi and is the shape of a big blue feathered. uh. thing. Fjöer like alllll the rest of them was an oopsie baby, after screwing arounddd and finding himself pregnant in the palace wth NO idea who the other parent could be. Loki panicked and ran away, preferring ALWAYS to be pregnant alone anyway (leaving secret instructions to find him just with Vali and Nari, though Epi was able to contact him through dreams.). Within a month Loki had given birth to… an entire bird’s EGG, narrowing the other parent down to ONE specific half-owl-god lmAO. He returned to the palace at that point, and Fjöer hatched two months later. Fjöer was actually the first cross couple baby of all the palace let alone with Loki (lmao look at us now!) but Laphi and Jesse took this in stride especially once Laphi’s owl-parent instincts took over. Fun fact!! Fjöer speaks only in chirpy bird talk, but all of his siblings and parents can understand him seamlessly! NO ONE ELSE, THOUGH

8- Rane! Daughter of Loki and…….. hmmm redacted due to in-progress retconning.(also she has never had a twin shhhhhhhhhhhgg). Let’s call her Flower Nymph for now. Rane’s humanoid but the first of Loki’s kids to LOOK and act Jotunn, as she came preloaded with a super low body temp and ice powers (which she hardly uses in favor of playing with mortal card tricks as a better form of magic), and was powerful enough in utero to knock all of Loki’s magic haywire. Soooooo back when Loki had left with Fjöer in utero, he’d somehow befriended a stray Flower Nymph residing newly in the palace, detached from everyone else; Vali and Nari had brought her to him to make friends lmao. what followed for the next few years was a friendship turned sort of romance, as she was COMPLETELY in love with him - he was not - he humored her for a while - it was a bad pairing all around - finally they broke up. They…. hooked up a few more times against their better judgement. Aaaand of course then Loki found out he was pregnant.

Loki’s relationship story with Flower Nymph is in the process of major retconning but they remain NOT together as a couple, just finally friends after many years of turmoil, and Rane shares split custody between the two of them (most of her time with Loki in the oalace). MOST fun fact about Rane of all time is!! she was actually born IN the avengers tower😈😇 which is a whole other story that I will not include here bc this length is so stupid already but. lmao! This is also Loki’s least favorite fact

9 & 10- Eisa and Einmyria! …Haha oh boy. they are Loki’s daughters with TORY, and the first EVER babies who Loki didn’t carry himself - while Loki was about eight months pregnant with Rane, on accident he had knocked up Tory, who had given birth to baby Raz himself not long before. Eisa is made out of molten lava - Einmyria is made out of smoldering ash. Before I talk about All this here is a DISCLAIMER that everything is fine with them and everyone NOW in terms of coparenting and a happy family!! but the series of events surrounding their surprise conception and birth was nothing but CHAOS. Maci had allowed Loki to sleep with Tory one time - NOT GET HIM PREGNANT, and she was BEYOND furious. Generally Maci AND ALSO TORY are NOT calm people they are both Very quick to anger!! Loki, bugging out of his mind from not carrying the babies himself, also feeling cornered from Maci meltdown rage and Tory’s anger and panic, responded to all of this by- perpetuating an all out war right back at them.

from all angles there was SO much screaming and yelling and fighting and custody battling— For like a solid four months of Tory’s pregnancy there was just utter turmoil, including events such as Tory fully leaving the palace (falling ill as the babies powers surged too strong for him to handle and returning); separately Maci leaving the palace in a fit and returning when Tory got sick; then separately again Loki himself getting kicked OUT of the palace after another explosive blowup— Tory and Loki PUNCHED EACH OTHER AT ONE POINT — oh my god it was a dramatic NIGHTMARE. You have to remember back then Loki and Maci HAAAATED EACH OTHER!! But finally tempers cooled and everyone calmed down, agreed to coparent and make nice for the babies’ sake, Tory allowed Loki to name the twins himself, everything was fine.

Everything is fine today! lol Maci was so bitchy about the kids and took one look at them and fell in love so bonus babies no issues. All that fuss and for nothing. …. By the way during Tory’s pregnancy with them had been when Thanatos had escaped and been exploded by Loki, and THEN— due to the stress of all these events of the past year— Ragnarok was triggered to begin. right around when Tory’s water broke (prematurely). Oops. Just uhh Loki things. This is when Fen and Jör came to the palace though!

11- Vrykolakas! Aka Vryk. Most of you probably know Vryk cause this was around the time I had started updating everyone on Elysium goings ons! Vryk is Loki and Epi’s son - sired by Loki and carried by Epi, and his claim to quirky fame is his action of traumatically dying in utero, and then clawing his way back out of his own grave to carry on forever undead. Vryk’s conception also came with a great deal of drama even before Epi had miscarried him. Epi and Loki (&Eury) slept together with the intention of possibly getting Loki pregnant, whatever happens happens, new free baby since Epi and Eury’s previous pregnancies had not been easy for either of them, but it was a panicky shock when Epi ended up pregnant instead. (None of Loki’s genetics or biology make any sense lol.) Though Maci and Loki had been playing nice with Eisa and Einmyria by then, Maci immediately started a fight with Loki with the misguided intention of protecting Epi who was terrified to be pregnant - to which of course Loki retaliAted back at her and ALLL THE DRAMA OF PREVIOUS STARTED UP ALL OVER AGAIN. Epi ended up barring both of them from being near him and hid in Chal’s house - this was when all that was going on too! - until unexpectedly miscarrying.

This was devastating of course I mean do I even need to say that. Aaughhhhh god and- Loki had lost so many children before, but never in this way, and he reeled as well. With even worse emotions at play now and those previous tensions only Barely having been smoothed, Loki and Epi got into a vicious fight - but reconcilied soon after over Vryk’s coffin. Aaaand then Vryk came back to life later that week and was fine ever after :)

Fun fact Vryk was the FINAL actual key for Maci and Loki to actually finally start to tolerate each other with any degree of warmth - for the reason OF warmth, actually. Vryk, being DEAD, does not give off body heat, and cried for days and days straight with no one able to tell what was wrong…. Until Maci, fire goddess, picked him up and immediately got him to stop. Vryk has always called Maci Mama :) shockingly Loki did not kill her over this— if only because Vryk would cry any time Maci put him down OR Loki left the room. They had no choice but to be together AHH lmao once again everything is fine now but! harrowing series of events!!

12- Sæunn! Sæ is the current youngest of all of Loki’s children right now! Also appearing Jotunn-like, Sae’s most exciting feature is the ability to turn into a giant squid for NO reason, an ability only recently discovered. She is the daughter of Loki and Jesse (yknow. Laphi’s husband. whoopsies.) Jesse and Loki hooked up, on birth control bc Loki had too many fucking kids. Because Loki is Loki, that birth control did not work on Jesse And!!! Jesse found himself pregnant!’ The big thing about the birth of Sæunn is that - Before Jesse had ended up pregnant Loki had thought he’d been handling processing the events of Vryk’s almost loss quite well but suddenly having another baby IN someone else right after he’d watched Epi lose Vryk made Loki twitch out of his mind a little bit. He drove Jesse absolutely crazy treating him like he was made of glass for all nine months even with Jesse’s assurances that everything was totally fine. In fact the ONLY unusual thing about Sæ before she was born was that Jesse was inexplicably drawn to water and the pools the entire time. Otherwise the whole pregnancy was healthy and uneventful! Six years later (she’s six now!) the reason for that became extremely clear…. Squiddy :)

however. honestly. a quick aside. lmao the REAL lasting result of Sæunn’s birth was that Loki ended up taking like a three year celibacy hiatus due to EVERY FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL failing either him or any of his partners and oh my god this is so many babies back to back to back. celibacy in the… loosest sense of the word as Loki can just make clones of himself so 🙄 lol. up until - what with Maci being naturally infertile - well. was it possible she was the ONLY person Loki could actually sleep with without knocking up!!? yes😈 hence Loki’s long-standing grudge against her finally snapping, leading into that very first time in 2021…… and then, the next year! everyone discovering an,,, herbal birth control dealio….. that not only did successfully prevent pregnancies in Loki due to trial and error but also doubled as a….. sex pollen-esque aphrodisiac…… whose consensual yet probably hilariously irresponsible use by ALL parties can probably be single-handedly blamed for the blossoming of THE NOT THROUPLE DYNAMIC that we are dealing with today SO LMAO UHH— thanks Jesse and Saeunn?? ANYWAY-

FINALLY the last Lokikid currently is! of course! drumroll!!

13- Libitina! Aka LIBBY who we all know and love! Yes, Chal’s Libby! Most people say that Loki adopted Libby but Loki’s adamant that he gave birth to her and— he kinda did. Technically chronologically, Libby fits in before Vryk, because she was “born” when Chal was first caught by the palace and everyone discovered that she was sleep deprivedly hallucinating an entire girl as her best friend and conscience. When Chal healed her sleep deprivation and thus lost Libby, Loki was commissioned by Ty and Bel to bring her formally to life straight out of Chal’s head, and the real tangible Libby was created! Even from that moment they’d all joked that Loki was Libby’s mom. However it was some time later - hence this chronological timeframe - that Libby clarified with Loki— hey, ARE you my mom? “Do you want me to be?” “…yes?” “Then yes :)” and since then Loki has unequivocally treated Libby completely like one of his own.

Actually secretly Loki had wanted to formally adopt Chal too, he’d been the one in the first place who’d found Chal floundering around and had pushed most strongly For her rehab. but Chal and Loki’s relationship had never been parental or close due to both of them being little shits - in different ways. For that matter - When Tory and Maci (Maci and Chal are little shits in the SAME way) formally adopted Chal, they’d actually tried to loop Libby in, which is the exact moment they discovered that unbeknownst to anyone that Libby and Loki HAD established a parental bond and Loki refused to “toss her aside” to them (Libby didn’t even know this had come up Loki shut it down SO immediately 😅). So!!’ Libby Lokidottir!!! Even though no one will ever be closer to her than Chal is, Libby HAS been wholeheartedly welcomed and embraced by all of her Lokikid siblings, who are all completely ride or die for each other and Libby is no exception. She loves them and has so much love to give! And they all love her back!!

It is Chal’s sulky belief that Libby appears to have joined a cult and you know what? The Lokikid clan is. not far off.

thank you for joining me on this EXCEPTIONALLY LONG essay journey this was an absolute delight to write up. I’ve drawn all these guys except for Sleipnir so feel free to ask for links and pics if u wanna see any of them!! And so, Loki’s lucky 13!

only time will tell if the count will ever increase! like I said… anything could happen, even though Loki hasn’t been pregnant for SO long (since Rane a decade ago!!) and he IS on working birth control right now so…… but who knows!! WHOOOO KNOWS—

EDIT now after some retconny decisions have indeed been made: a previous version of this post included Kaia, formerly known as daughter of Loki and [REDACTED NYMPH] hut this is no longer! Despite being close with her half sister Rane and by extension, step-parent-ish Loki (for a time, ssssssort of,, sort of, it’s complicated), Kaia is no longer not one of Loki’s kids but simply the biological daughter of [NYMPH] and a Lampade, since they can. just. do that✨ gender notwithstanding✨ she was conceived and born roughly around the same exact time as Vryk was and though she’s completely offscreen, [NYMPH’s] pregnancy with her was enough of an emotional weakness for Loki for him to distance himself from the Chal debacle at the time for her safety. Addendum needs to be placed here, in my opinion, since kAia has previously been included in all Lokikid lineups! sorry for the demotion bby girl but she’s more interesting that way!!

phew thank u again If you actually made it to the very bottom. If you can’t tell. I like to write just a bit…,,

[fadedelegance]

Hey, look, it’s the reasons I’m quitting my job!

Let me get into what it’s been like working for this financial institution while neurodivergent.

My boss has been a complete twat to me, and that is the only reason I can think of why. One time when I had a social gaffe, she acted like I cussed someone out or said something racist, something legitimately awful like that, when all I did was talk too loudly. When she called me into her office, she said, “Do you want to tell me what you were thinking when you said that?” I felt so ashamed and embarrassed that I burst into tears and had to leave early. What fucking right did she have to make me feel that way when I had no ill intent and didn’t insult anyone on purpose or accidentally?

About 9 months ago, she wrote me up because a coworker completely misunderstood something I said and told her manager she didn’t want to work with me anymore—even though we’d worked together dozens of times without any problems. She was actually one of my favorite people to work with, and we both suffer from anxiety, so we understood that about each other. I was telling her about some anxious thoughts I was having about work, and she thought I was accusing her of causing it, when that wasn’t the case at all. My manager just presented me with the write up and told me why it was happening, right then and there. I was given no forewarning whatsoever—no chance to apologize to that coworker to her face, no chance to tell my side to anyone. Everything was done behind my back because apparently managers being passive-aggressive is perfectly normal and not at all petty and unprofessional. 🙃🙃🙃 That was also my second write up within a month, which led me to believe that this was an attempt at constructive termination. (The first write up I got was for not following a rule that I didn’t even know was a rule. And I didn’t even remember what I did that would have constituted breaking that rule. But yes, just escalate it to a write up. Don’t take the time to explain to me that that’s a rule, and here was how I broke it, and give me the verbal warning not do it again. Just immediately escalate it to a write up. Because that’s fair and makes sense.🙃)

I suspect the reason I wasn’t allowed to train on opening new accounts is because she thinks I’m too socially awkward to be in public, which isn’t at all true. I may be on the spectrum, but there are customers who always come to me when they stop by. I had great rapport with the regulars at my previous job. But no, just ask the bully I work for: I’m horribly socially inept and shouldn’t be unleashed upon the poor, unsuspecting public.

She has made me feel like I don’t belong and don’t fit in and like there’s something seriously fucked up and offensive about me. I have never truly understood what her problem with me is, so that’s all I can think of: she thinks I’m repulsive for being autistic. Of course, she can’t say that because that’s illegal. But she’s immature, unprofessional, and petty enough that that probably is the reason why.

The last straw for me was yesterday morning when she yelled at me in front of a branch full of customers, while I was in the middle of helping a customer myself. I could tell by the customer’s demeanor after that that she thought she got me in trouble and was inconveniencing us somehow. It was sad because she was a really nice lady. I made sure to reassure her that she was just fine and hadn’t done anything wrong. I could also sense that she felt secondhand embarrassment. I know that if I had said that my boss had just made an ass of herself, she would’ve agreed with me. I actually felt worse for that customer than I did for myself. I felt embarrassed in front of her, too, because I was working and therefore representing the organization just like my boss. I felt embarrassed on behalf of our organization. 

This is not an exaggeration: out of all the jobs I’ve had over the years, I have never been treated this way by an employer. And, of course, they pay lip service to diversity and inclusion, which, in my experience, is a complete joke. They’re fine with a bisexual woman working for them as long as she’s not autistic. 

I typed up my two weeks notice yesterday. We’re off on Monday because we’re closed for Memorial Day, so I will be submitting that two weeks notice on Tuesday. This job has caused me more severe anxiety then the pandemic did when I was in my previous job. I can’t keep living like this. She crossed a line by trying to humiliate me in front of a room full of people, so that’s why I decided that I’m going to quit. I don’t have another job lined up at the moment, but I have a whole list of places to apply to. I’m also trying to see if I can’t get my previous job back. I enjoyed being a Barista, and I was good at it.

I’m terrified about not having steady income for a little while, and not knowing when I’ll get a new job, but like I said, my anxiety has been so bad over the past 14 or 15 months, that I can’t keep living like this. If you don’t have your health—mental, physical, social (and spiritual, if that’s your thing)—what the fuck do you have?

[bpd-angelcake]

guess who's back 🙃

tw: lots of ed mention

hi lol where do I even begin first off like... lmao every time I come back on this blog I think of that one ask that I got that was like "do u come back on here when things are bad??" and no lmao not always

life hasn't been bad it's just been busy im always busy i work a full time job and my social life has been the busiest it's ever been and im thankful because I love my irl friends so much and I do love my job as annoying as it can be and idk things aren't bad. they're not.

but I know my mental health hasn't been the best lately and I can't even blame my bpd. I had a really bad episode at the beginning of February and I tried pushing all my friends away because I thought they were over me and didn't take me seriously and they all came back to me literally crying wondering what was wrong and I felt so shitty and they don't know I have bpd (I don't talk about it in person unless we're going to date because I hate when people perceive me a certain way once they find out I'm not normal lmao) so we had to get in a circle and talk it out it was so rough but honestly I have never felt more secure in a friend group before in my life it makes me so sick thinking about it because idk what I'd do if anything were to change but whatever.

but idk I was doing so good with myself I was on top of my skincare and keeping my room clean and following through with things and idk everything just fell through the cracks and I feel like I have no control over anything in my life once more. I'm trying so hard to be better but it's hard. I just started saving money again because I spent so much of it the past few months and I'm so disappointed with how bad my spending got and it wasn't even for a good reason lol so I am trying I promise but ugh I feel like I was up there!! and I'm back at rock bottom.

Another thing that's been bugging me a lot is my weight too... back in 2020 I was so thin and I looked good and I had done it the right way by dieting and exercising but covid came and I got into that toxic relationship and I gained so much weight back and I look in the mirror and I am so disgusted with myself and I hate it. I see all these cute plus size girls on social media and I literally love them and think they're so beautiful but I look at myself and I can't even deal. I have to be a bridesmaid for a wedding in October and im dreading it because I'm going to look so bad....

I ordered a cosplay a few months ago and it came a week ago and it didn't even fit 🙃 I almost had a full mental breakdown about it and tbh I am 90% sure it ran small (not cutting myself slack because I know I'm fat but I also know how to measure clothes) but it made me so upset I literally relapsed and I've barely eaten this whole week. I tried to eat a spoonful of rice because I was so lightheaded the second it touched my mouth I threw it up.

And now I feel so fucking lame because I'll go on edtwt and see these girls posting their stuff and they're all in their teens and it's like.... I'm in my 20's dude I shouldn't be doing this shit anymore but I do and I hate it because it's all I know and it's so comforting because I'm literally a professional at it like I know all the tips and tricks I know what to do when I accidentally binge I know how to curb cravings and what excuses to say when I don't want to eat in front of people it's so sad because I thought I was over this but I guess not.

I haven't weighed myself yet, I was going to do it tomorrow but ugh all I need is to see that number go down or else I might kill myself because I can't do this anymore!!!! this is my life I feel like I'm 14 again in the worse way. IDK I might start posting more about it (with tags ofc) so if that's not your thing I understand but it's all I have to make me feel better and I'm not looking for advice I'm not looking for tips I just want to vent and if you're going to judge me do it kindly please lmao bye

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Oh shoot mb for this long ass novel of a post... not only went into a complete tangent I was also preeeeetty high up until recently. Well. Not recent. I am still high buut I think it's been 4 hours since and usually around this time aint too fussy. But yeh uh I have a bad habit of oveeexplaining when high... as you can see 💀💀💀

But yeah this is about 3 hours of high explaining why I'm taking a break from my normal trip report format so shits a wall o text

Atp.. I'm temporarily abandoning my typical format as the shit gets worse/more emotionally driven I either forget to write it all out or just plain don't want to. And I mean. This shit is for me. What would be the point of stressing a specific way of documenting the shit you know? Can just. Switch. And keep it moving. Not like it bothers me fr fr

Uh but. Since my last entry I think I've had a combined mid 3k rangeish of dph. Not toooo bad given my track record but still I know it's only been a few days since my last proper entry not the best either

Currently off a 450 dose so my saltiness won't be too obvious + I'll be to high to get too too upset about whatever other bs comes alone tonight. I'd take more but I'm saving a 200 for the ride home and I end up taking entirely too much on the ride here so I gotta be kinda conservative with my doses now 🥲

Lots of stuff at once. Lots. I don't even know where to begin as far as what's been on my mind. Just so much.. recently I've been crying pretty much every night. Some of it cause of one specific thing I'm thinking on and others just out of pure overwhelment. I'm guessing within the last like.. monthish and a half the longest I've gone w/o has been 4 days

It's annoying to hide tbh as I've been doing it more I've also been more confident in my ability to hide it meaninggg more tears/reaction. Still not horrible horrible but I have a hard time stopping til I'm tired tired so it usually equals a loooooong ass time sobbing or wanting to escalate it further and shaking from how hard I have to stifle myself. I even cried on this trip actually. Me and my mom shared a bed cause a cousin spent a night in the hotel and not thinking of how light of a sleeper she is I accidentally woke her up a few times from how hard I was shaking. I felt so bad oml I hope to god she was still mostly in sleep mode 🙃

Uh anyway. This is really random but I made this post cause today I was so tempted to steal a cig. I don't even smoke em I just was so curious about the risk there. And it made me feel weird.

My whole family smokes. Seriously like, my dad smokes, my mom smokes on and off, my grandma, aunt AND uncle and my moms side of the family?? Pfft. So it's been easy for me to try if I ever really wanted to. Not that they encourage it or anything. I know they'd be pissed. But I'm sure if I timed it right I coulda beeen tried. But now like I genuinely wanted it fr fr. Only reason I changed my mind is cause they wear too close and I ain't wanna risk it and have them look deeper into that

Speaking of family reminded me of R. God. I wish I could back already. I called her a few diff times and she didn't pick up. That's fine ofc bit it's like.. I dunno how to describe it. It feels like she's distancing herself again and I feel like it was my fault for being too predictable. If I had kept phone calls to few and far between she woulda seen it as special and prolly would answer. Bit nah since my dumbass decided to be greedy my calls mean nothing mostly and she'll just ignore whenever

I miss her so much. I hate that I know she's probably sad and lonely and fucking herself up mixing and redosing on shit that shouldn't be. I hate that I let it become routine. It's too much pressure for her rn. I shoulda let her come to me when she was okay to. It would've helped a lot more. But my dumbass introduced the stress of routine and made her feel bad for sometimes not being in the mood. I know she's prolly feeling guilty too. It breaks my heart bruh

I miss knowing what all she took and helping where I could. I wish I could go back. She has enough to stress on as is. I hate that she's pushing me away again. Not knowing specifics makes me so nervous. She barely even answers texts at this point. She had some health shit going on and I ofc thought okay well it doesn't need to be some long ass convo to be otp ima just ask and check in or her. But I'm still in the dark. We don't call everyday anymore, she's hiding all her health shit going on cause of her pill concoctions, and I can tell something's on her mind. I'd assume something bigger from how hard she's tryna shield it

I tried everything atp I don't know how to get her back. Im so scared and I don't want her suffering in silence because I got too overbearing. She's probably so fucking annoyed by me

I hate her partner. Full heartedly atp. I get it. Sometimes you say stupid shit and I know my bsf has done the same. But ghosting her through all this. Letting her beg you to just talk to you. Fucking dragging out a fight knowing damn well how destructive R is. She demands so much from R and what has she changed in returm? What has she done for R??

Want more time with her? Done. Dropped me within the week

Want to move in together? R's working damn near 7 days a week and tryna either have two jobs or aome side shit just for more to save

Don't like lip piercings? R won't get em even though she seems interested

Want to see her irl more? Before yall pressed pressed about moving in she was planning on not only going for her birthday but her partners too AND possibly Thanksgiving and Christmas.

And what as she changed in exchange??? I HEAR THE SAME OLD SHIT WVEYTIME YALL FIGHT BRUH

Honestly. Fuck that. I don't even care about specifics. Even if she did change all that shit, I'd still hate her for ignoring her for this long and being nothing but cold knowing it hurts. So manipulative. Why would you go out your way to hurt your partner if you do really love them? She has and had sooo many opportunities to speak her mind and move through this but nah nah let's just let my fucking pride keep us apart.

R deserves so much better. I wish they never met. I can't believe she still gets the short end of the stick even when she's proven over and over again she would do literally whatever for you. Literally in so much pain just from not getting to fix things. I hate it so much. She doesnt realize how much her effort is worth. Its so sad like. She could find sooo many people that would reciprocate all that love and care and some off how loyal and selfless she is ALONE but she had ti get stuck with the one dumbass that can't see her worth

She is so fucking stupid. Utterly and completely. There is literally no situation where she'd be in the right for doing this atp. None.

That's not really all but.. ranting about their relationship shit is never completely satisfying. I'd go on forever not thinking nothing of it sigh

I wish I could call her tomorrow. I know she ain't doing too great but I could take her mind off shit for a little. Plus I know I can usually tell if somethings bothering her. I hate that I'm just. Here.

And I miss her background noise. I'm so used to talking shit with her brothers with R dying and tryna join. Or her twin yelling over THEEE most bland games ever. Or hearing all the outlandish but tbh sensical shit she be lecturing R on

I miss her in general. I love discovering new songs from listening to the music she got blaring from her computer, 9 times out of 10, Juice WRLD songs 😭

Btuh and all we'd be quiet doing our thing then she'll bust out with the Outlandish junk just cause

The rare but nonetheless 10/10 days where we talk for hours and hours til we either HAVE to go or one of us fall asleep mid way through whatever long ass story either of us end up telling. Its so cute cause like. Course I think everyone has a sleepy voice but she used to have the most random sleeping habits. And plus even once she did sleep, she'd mute usually. But it makes me feel good that she trusts me enough to like.. not think to hide it? I'm sure she'd probably be self conscious about it after the fact but I mean. At least for the time she was comfortable so I be cheesing cheesing

And her voice is constantly on my mind. I sometimes ask questions or annoy her just to hear her. Plus like I dunno. I've grown to associate her voice with comfort so just listening to her talking ahit about some random 12 y/o o when she play bloxfuits is enough for me to gave a good time. Plus she got about a billion diff voices for specific junk and those are always fun to learn.

Ah sorry I didn't realize how off track I got bruh rip. Point is I miss her and I'm so worried about her but I feel trapped as if I try tooooo often she'll be used to ignoring my calls. Plus if I only text there's a possibility she'll either be sleep or will just ignore

Sigh. I wish I could fix everything for her. She doesn't deserve all this nonsense

[mattmurdocksscars]

I accidentally made myself sad looking at old photos. Whelp 🙃🙃