#but then as they unlearn their ways of thinking they are unsure of their identity

[spikyspinachstreet]

you ever realize a reoccurring theme in ur stories and then you just kinda go like “ah”

[moonstruckme]

MAE HI I'M SO LATE TO THE SEXUALITY TALK BUT I'VE NEVER READ ANYTHING MORE RELATABLE IN MY LIFE

(Also hi hello I hope you're doing good and if you're not I hope it gets better soon <3)

I was in a relationship (I say relationship but it was in high school and we literally only saw each other once a week and it lasted all of one month) with someone non-binary and I also come from a very heternormative small town so being in a relationship with them made me question so many things because of the fear I felt and how uncomfortable I was with regular couple things like hand holding in public (even thoigh I was absolutely attracted to them romantically and loved our relationship when it was good).

It was also so much easier to picture things with guys than it was with my ex partner (but then again we had more than a few problems that didn't help that) and I guess the best thing to do is take it one day at a time. I'm unlearning what my home life and my community has taught me about a "normal" relationship and that's the best I can do right now yk? And it's okay if a label that fits today doesn't fit tomorrow because we're just human and growing at our own pace and I think that as long as we can have compassion for ourselves we'll be okay.

Sorry I wasn't trying to make it about me I just wanted to say that I relate and that I'm sending you so so much love from my end of the world!! Being unsure doesn't make you any less valid in your identity (and tbh who can fully understand themselves 100% of the time anyway?) and you're wonderful so please don't stress yourself out about being unsure because you have all the time in the world to figure out who you are and how you feel

- S <3

Hi S my love! Don’t be sorry, but I think this may have sent twice by accident? There are different aspects in this message though, and I really value this perspective. I’m glad that while I grew up in a pretty conservative town (and there are definitely people I’d not tell about any relationships just to make it easier on myself) most of the people I’m close to I know would be supportive, and I’m massively grateful for that sense of security. I think I was too worried about outside perspectives and trying to like wedge my way into this community which I may not belong in, but really you’re right and who gives a shit who I date? I mean, me, obviously, but that should be all! Thank you for the kind words sweetheart, hope you’re having a good day/night <3

[cogaytes]

as someone who has been in fandom since i was like eleven years old (and fandom-adjacent for even longer) i will always advocate for smut and explicit material.

first i want to get out of the way the notion that explicit content somehow causes harm to real people because ultimately it is the reader’s choice whether or not to engage with the text. at any moment in a story the reader can choose to disengage--wether that’s by not clicking on the fic at all, or reading midway only to think “yikes, never mind” and close the tab. and i understand some things are improperly tagged, but that’s not actually a topic about smut and more about fandom etiquette and respect. (in short: the problem with untagged explicit content is that it is untagged, not that it’s explicit. while it might squick or trigger someone, it wouldn't someone else, hence why the actual content isn't the question here.)

reading and creating explicit material happens for a lot of reasons. fun, coping, writing exercise or any other number of things, and none of those are any less valid than the other. personally i started reading explicit content as a way to explore my own queer identity, and how i felt about gender and presentation. being able to read about queer people (especially gay men, like i am) be in relationships that are not just romantic but also sexual was incredibly important in being able to unlearn the shame and knee-jerk fear response to gay content, especially anything less than perfectly sanitized. with fanfiction especially i was able to curate exactly what i wanted to see which made for a really easy transition. did i overestimate what i could handle sometimes? definitely, but that's not the fault of the author, that's my fault for reading despite being unsure if i'd enjoy it.

moreover, fan content is sometimes the only access to gay media that i could get. i didn't know how to safely pirate content and i sure as hell wasn't going to make my parents aware of the fact i wanted to read gay stories by buying books or asking to go to the movies (which they would have ultimately authority over, anyway.) and because of where i grew up, it wasn't wise to be open about queerness either, and i wasn't able to ever experiment with my own sexuality. going online and being part of fandom and reading explicit fanfic was quite literally my only way to explore anything of a sexual nature in a safe and controlled setting, and i truly believe that i'd be in a much worse place if i hadn't been able to, and if i instead had to hide away that part of me and live with the shame of it.

and i don't buy the argument that explicit material doesn't belong in kotlc fandom because there are minors here, either. as i said before, explicit fanfic helped me discover myself when i was younger and i was grateful for it. but even if someone else finds it personally repulsive, that doesn't mean it doesn't have a right to exist. at the end of the day if you don't like it, you can easily just not read it. but if someone is out there looking for something, anything to resonate with them, having that content out there is incredibly important.

for this fandom specifically, imagining my favorite characters in these scenarios was, again, a way for me to better understand my wants, desires, needs, fears, etc. i was a scared and lonely kid and being able to project onto these characters and make up stories for them where they are able to express their feelings was a saving grace. i don't think anyone should be denied that.

don't have much to add here either so just going to share for other people's understanding!

[funkymbtifiction]

hi! question about the frustration types/wings/trifix - is there a part of them LIKES being in a state of frustration? and if so can they ever really overcome that or be happy with how things are? i read a lot about how the purpose to learning the enneagram is to eventually notice when you’re doing personality things and unlearn them/realize you can choose not to. but can someone who becomes happy by being unhappy, negative or frustrated ever be capable of not only realizing life is okay as it is but also feeling happy/fulfilled/satisfied with how things are, without being dissatisfied with the lack of frustration itself? i know someone who’s type i am unsure of (i thought he was a 6 bc he’s very into the concept of allies and enemies and identity politics, you’re with me or against me, and he is often unsure of himself/indecisive, however i also see many traits of 1 anger at an imperfect world/perfectionism and 4 drowning in misery) who displays a LOT of frustration. i’ve rarely seen him happy or satisfied with anything. nothing and no one is ever quite good enough for him and something is always wrong with him/his life/his people and when nothing is objectively wrong he nitpicks until he finds something wrong and if you try to help or offer solutions, you’re wrong, they won’t work, or he admits maybe they will work if he tried but he won’t because he’s not in the mood or somehow isn’t capable of doing it. i understand to an extent because when i’m upset, i can act like this too. but once i calm down i want solutions and i want to fix it. he doesn’t seem to ever get to that part and if he did ever fix his problems i’m not quite sure what he would do with himself. is that how the frustration triad is? if so can they ever really feel content in life, even with enough personal growth to notice their personality style and choose differently?

Yes, that is correct. No one does anything without getting something out of it, and the frustration triad actively works to keep part of themselves frustrated and dissatisfied, because life doesn’t measure up to their desired ideal. It’s a subconscious choice.

It is possible to change this, but the person has to first acknowledge that the frustration is a choice, and then decide to change it. They have to see this habitual tendency to embrace chronic dissatisfaction as a pattern and recognize that it’s optional, and then want to do something about it. They have to want to change, and acknowledge that this current behavior is not working for me (it is self-sabotaging me in some way, by making me always frustrated by life, relationships, etc), and accept the burden of self-responsibility in changing it, for their own self-betterment. Frustration has become a pattern with them, but it’s not chronic – it’s a choice and they can choose to catch themselves looking for what’s missing and instead, choose to embrace the happiness of the moment.

Your friend sounds like a 6 with a strong 4 fix; double-reactivity – my life is awful, you need to agree with me how awful it is, and it can’t be fixed, because it just… wouldn’t work, and nothing is good enough, and cue the self-pity, the whining, and the drawing attention to whatever is wrong. To be honest, it sounds like a 649. There’s a reason they’re roasted online as the “Whiny Tears.” 6 is reactive and negative, looking for what’s wrong and missing; 4 over-inflates wounds, problems, and deficiencies and remains frustrated as a way to show everyone their life is broken and cannot be fixed; throw 9ish apathy and inertia in there, and you have two reactive fixes that obsess and complain and draw attention to problems, along with two twithdrawn fixes that don’t assume the problem is theirs to fix, leading to an endless state of “wallowing without seeking solutions.”

The 6 over-thinks, the 4 over-feels, and the 9 does nothing about it. A 469 in any order has to come to terms with their negativity and see that as a choice; with their ongoing frustration and realize that’s optional; they have to choose to look for the positive since their default is the negative, and above all, they have to learn to productively think about things (as opposed to ruminating on them, or thinking about them without ever instigating change) and figure out the direct actions they could take that would change their life for the better. It won’t be easy, but if they decide it’s worth doing, they can pursue it through self-observation and choosing to change their reactions, by not allowing themselves to dramatize their problems as “unsolvable,” but instead, asking themselves what they’re going to DO to resolve this ongoing problem.

[non-binharry]

Hi! Idk if you’re the right person to rant this to but I just wanna rant and maybe get a few other opinions.

I’m pretty confident in my nb identity and I really dont believe in the gender binary. However since we sadly live in a heteronormative patriarchy that assumes everyone is cis and growing up with these ideologies, its hard to get rid of them. I invalidate myself and my identity a lot and its annoying. I also assume ppls gender identity in my head and then go “why tf did I just do that?!”. So do you have something to add that might have helped you or other ppl to unlearn these things or does just take time? Do other ppl struggle with this too? I hope you are having a great day and sending lots of love ❤️

it's definitely something a lot of us have to actively unlearn every single day so don't beat yourself up over it! i think one of the most important things you can remember is that gender is like the wild wild west and there are no fucking rules, like we're literally all out here living differently from each other based on what makes us the most comfortable.

we have to continue working on removing the notion that we can perceive someone's gender identity when the reality is there's no way of knowing someone's identity outside of them telling you. that comes from practice. i personally refer to people neutrally as them or instead of labelling someone as a man or woman i'll say "that person" and use other identifiers like their hair color or their clothing if someone is unsure who i'm referring to. i use spouse or partner instead of husband or wife, and i use child instead of daughter or son.

i think once you begin removing gendered language or identifiers from your every day interactions, it becomes easier to move away from the idea of binary gender.

[patrocles]

i’m trying to piece together some thoughts on babiest boy bran stark. to a degree i GET this idea of him becoming sort of depersonalized due to the overwhelming nature of being a host of the old gods. but i don’t think that means he has to lose his entire identity and sense of self. all these characters are changed in some way, either by adoption of new identity or something forcibly changed (like theon/reek) but there’s this constant thread throughout all these stories about Remembering One’s Name, Knowing One’s True Self. It’s why Arya can never truly be “no one”. It’s why even as “Reek” Theon is still mentally defiant against Ramsay

and so with bran i think it would be more compelling for his character if wanting to be Bran Stark (a Core Self) is still something that he fights for on top of whatever other struggles that are bound to come up. and coping with this sort of... depersonalization, this whole compartmentalization of a central identity in the long term is an every day thing, the same manner that other characters have to cope with mental illness or trauma. in a way we do see early signs of this in acok during the feast when he’s watching everyone enjoy themselves and bran feels apart and removed from them, and doesn’t feel like he can connect with them on a personal level because of how he’s changed. 

i started thinking too long about this and it began to remind me of the film ad astra. a man goes on a long voyage and through these circumstances of loneliness and isolation, has to consciously unlearn being a purely functional human, to the detriment of himself and interpersonal relationships. there’s a number of quotes that remind me of this in relation to bran and the after. 

“I see myself from the outside. Smile, present a side. It’s a performance... with my eye on the exit. Always on the exit.”

“I should feel something. I survived. I should feel something.”

“I am alone. Something I always believed I preferred. I am alone. But I confess... it’s wearing on me. I am alone. I am alone.”

“I am looking forward to the day my solitude ends. And I am home.”

And then at the end of the film after our main character has completed his journey we have:

“I’m steady, calm. I slept well. No bad dreams. I am active and engaged. I am aware of my surroundings and those in my immediate sphere. I’m attentive. I’m focused on the essential to the exclusion of all else. I’m unsure of the future but i’m not concerned. I will rely on those closest to me. And I will share their burdens as they share mine. I will live… and love.”

obviously there’s a big storm a comin.gif but that doesn’t mean that this child doesnt deserve to laugh or smile again. it doesn’t mean that he doesnt deserve to feel anything anymore because whatever’s coming is ~too important. cus also i think it sends a kind of shit message that the paraplegic character is little more than a barely sentient bit of furniture there to fill in backstory for jon or whatever. but bran wanting to be apart of the present and actively engage in relationships with his family, despite also having fucking wild warging abilities, even if that IS a struggle and requires work (same as anyone else coping with mental illness) is way more interesting 2 me  

[roadtohappy]

Why I detransitioned

I mentioned it briefly in response to someone else’s post, but I believe this subject deserves a post of its own. It included the statement: “I detransitioned because my identity changed, and I don’t regret my transition”, to which I expressed how much it resonated with me - and here’s why.

I was, I am, and I always will be transgender. As a young girl, I developed gender dysphoria. To anyone who’s unfamiliar with what that means, gender dysphoria is a term used to describe the emotional pain and distress a person experiences when their biological sex and their self-perceived gender do not match - a body/brain incongruence, if you will.

When I came out of the closet and told my family and peers that I identified as male, I had already spent a considerable amount of time contemplating my situation. I questioned myself constantly, and doubted every answer. I did this prior to, and after coming out, and even during my social and medical transition. Not because I was unsure of myself, but because I needed to know if there was any chance that my gender dysphoria could’ve been caused by something other than simply being transgender. It was important for me to unveil and deal with any underlying issues that could’ve been linked to my gender-identity, because it’s better to find out early on and stop before you find yourself overwhelmed with regret later in life if it turns out that you were actually mistaken. I asked myself the same questions constantly; “Am I being influenced by my peers? Media? Online communities?” “Is my brain using this as a defense mechanism to mask childhood trauma?” “Am I using my trans identity to escape from my past/present problems?” “Do I have any undiagnosed psychiatric or medical conditions that could alter how I perceive myself?” “Can I learn to cope with my gender dysphoria without transitioning?” “Am I trying to mend the absence of my father and lack of male role models by becoming male myself?” “Do I have any unhealthy ideas of what it means to be a woman?” “Do I have enough strong female role models in my life?” “Am I simply not ready to become a woman yet? if so, why?”

-These are all questions you should never ever be afraid to ask yourself, no matter where you are in your transition - whether you’re in the closet or out. Early, mid or late-transition; it is never a bad time to discover yourself and make the best choices for yourself, wherever they may lead you. This is not at all meant to discourage anyone from transitioning, but rather inspire people to ask them self the right questions.

As I mentioned in my introduction-post; I started living as a boy at 15, meaning I wore boy’s clothes, and went by a male name and male pronouns. I started taking male hormones when I was 18. If you’re unfamiliar with what hormone therapy does for trans people, it essentially means that you’re taking hormones regularly to induce a second puberty in order to bring on characteristics of your identified gender. I’m now 21 years old and I had chest-masculinization surgery 8 months ago. I never wanted to go any further than hormones and top-surgery, as my dysphoria mainly revolved around my feminine voice and other minor characteristics, and my breasts. The further I progressed into my transition, my gender dysphoria decreased, as you’d expect. After having my top-surgery, I also no longer feel dysphoric about my chest. To my surprise, I now feel completely comfortable with my natural body, including my femininity.

Early 2020 when the lockdown started, I began to spend more time alone by myself, going on long nature walks and exploring my thoughts through art and creative activities as a way to “unlearn” some of the unhealthy masking-behaviors I’ve taught myself over the years, in order to fit in better among other people. (Very common coping mechanism in autistic people, apparently.) As I began this process of “un-masking” I made it my top-priority to stop caring so much about what other people think of me or how other people expect me to look, talk and act. My new mindset became something along the lines of “Okay, the way my brain is built means that I experience the world and process information differently from other people, which also means that my actions and feelings are based on a different set of experiences than other people. I will no longer measure my worth by my ability to blend in and be ‘normal’, and I will no longer apologize for being different.” And so began a whole new level of self-exploration. I played around with some of my old make-up, I started taking up fun activities that most people would deem feminine - and it didn’t make me feel dysphoric at all. In fact, I liked it. I was unapologetically leaning into my feminine side and it felt good, it felt right, it felt safe - an experience I was never able to have before I transitioned.

When the semester came to an end a few weeks ago, I found myself in a weird position. I now have two completely empty months ahead of me, I truly detest big changes like that. A solid everyday schedule sort of functions as a mental “anchor” for me. Because no matter what happens in my life, I know one thing for certain; I will go to sleep tonight, wake up in the morning, do my morning routine and get ready, get the bus at exactly 7:41AM and arrive at school 10-15 minutes later depending on the traffic. I then attend class and adhere to the school’s timetables for the next 6 hours. I get the bus home and change into my uniform, work for 5 hours, go home and do my homework, make dinner, do something fun or watch youtube, go to bed - and the cycle continues. These little “anchors” make me feel secure and grounded, they help me cope with a world that can feel chaotic and overwhelming at times. 

So last day of school arrives and I’m like “shit, what now?? One day I’m at school and suddenly there’s just *nothing* for two months?? Not only that, but I’ve just discovered that there’s a whole new side of me that I’m now free to explore since my gender dysphoria decided to evaporate into thin air.” Everything around me was changing, even myself - and that’s the moment when I decided that maybe it was time to give Testosterone a break. Whether temporary or permanently, doesn’t matter. It’s not like my body is going anywhere and I can always just resume hormone therapy again if I want to. But for now, it was time to just take a break, let go of everything and truly get to know myself. My transition is complete, and I am ready to continue this journey in a new direction. It’s been a month now, and I’m happy to say I’ve had a lot of fun just enjoying the time off and being my authentic self. I haven’t really told anyone I’m detransitioning. I’m just kinda doing my own thing, and if people want to run along with it and refer to be as female at some point then that’s their choice, I don’t really care to be honest. Name-wise, I might just jokingly suggest “Jane” when people ask, since it’s so similar to “Jake”.  I get weird looks from people when I’m out in public, because I’m starting to pass as female again, but my voice is unmistakably masculine - I like my voice though, so I don’t care what they think. If people ask why my voice is so deep, I just tell them the truth: “I am a woman, but my body was testosterone-dominant for 3 years, hence the voice.” Simple as, lol. Not only that, but I am a whole, grown ass adult, I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.

On the topic of irreversible changes, there is one important thing that I cannot stress enough; My decision to detransition does not come from a place of regret, I have loved and cherished every step of this process. I’ve heard a lot of people say this about detransitioners but I don’t have “reverse-dysphoria”, why would I?  Man or woman, I love myself and my body regardless. I absolutely needed to transition from female to male in order to be happy, I could not have attained this level of happiness otherwise. I would not have been able to accept or even come to terms with my femininity if I hadn’t transitioned. I’m still on the same journey as before, I simply took a new path.

Anyway, I best end this wall of text because it’s 3:00AM and I’m going on a 9km hike with a friend in the morning, I can’t waiiiitttt!

[universal-kitty]

.: Purrfect Anarchy: Birthday Surprise :.

   It’s not unusual for Wrench to be unusual...but this is getting a little too suspicious.

   The morning went off without a hitch, far as either party was concerned. Reg was cuddly and seeking kisses, I was practically a smarter log until my brain kicked into full gear... Breakfast was had and Wrench was clingy throughout.

   However... Something was immediately off when plans changed on the ride to the garage. Clingy Wrench...my husband, notorious clinger and the type to be upset if he feels like he didn’t get enough cuddles...

   “Are you coming or...?” I looked at him oddly, door to the truck open and peering at my masked husband with interest, a brow raised. This was...really unlike him. Usually, Wrench would hop out at the speed of sound, hurrying over to my side. Was sure like that last year, eager to get the party over with so we could get home sooner and cuddle...and other things.

   He never could stop at just one thing.

   “Yeah, yeah...but I have to get your gift,” he said calmly, wiggling back into the seat. There was a waver in his voice...but I decidedly allowed it, slipping out of the truck and onto the ground walking around until I was driver’s side. “So, I think Marcus is gonna take you home...or Sitara? I’m gonna be real with you, I don’t remember who I asked last night. Long as it isn’t Ray, we’re good.”

   “Still bitter, huh?” I grinned when his mask when into angry down slashes. He wasn’t the only one bitter, but...

   “Damn right,” he grumbled, looking around a moment before leaning out of the truck window. I went on tiptoes, arched up for the kiss he quickly put on my lips. “I’ll meet you at home.” Wait a minute-

   “You’re not going to the party?”

   “I can’t give away my secrets. You’ll see, promise.” He ruffled my hair, I scoffing in surprise and disgust, sticking my tongue out at him. He only laughed, slipping the mask fully back on as it recalibrated his face and the mask’s glitching settled itself. Hearts went onscreen, making my smile soften. “Ahh, there it is... Have fun, baby!! Just not too much fun.”

   “I’ll try,” I joked, watching his mask flip to a wink, then back to default X’s, driving off. What a dork. Resigned to my fate with a sigh, I headed into the garage...and screeched at the sudden popping noises around me.

   “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!”

   “Holy SHIT, you guys,” I yelled, laughing as I kicked a rock T-Bone’s way. “Fuckers almost gave me a heart attack!” Once I got everything under control, I walked over and gave a hug to the closest asshole...that being Marcus. “Thanks, though. Now... What’s on the party docket?”

   By the time Sitara called the craziest of the party to a chill so I could go home, there was definitely a light buzz going and so. Much. Laughter. If not for Josh and Sitara, who made sure I was balanced out with water, I probably would’ve been a mess. (Well, that and making sure I was fed. I needed a break? Quiet time with Josh.) It was definitely a party made to tailor to me down to the smallest detail.

   “C’mere, you. Your husband’s done with your present,” she told me, kicking lightly at my foot.

   “Ahh, hey...” I grumbled, focusing more on the fact she was wearing her sneakers and just kicked my poor, sock-clad foot. Then the message sunk in, perking up curiously. “Yeah?”

   “Yeah! So let’s go!! I know he’s excited...and honestly, I am, too. He asked for my help.”

   “So you know,” I pointed out, now infinitely more sober than I’d been before. What in the world did he...?

   “Sure do, buuuuuuttt, I’m not telling you.” I pouted immediately, causing her to laugh, grinning back at me as she said, “Oh, c’mon, don’t make that face... Secrecy’s worth it.”

   The drive back to the apartment was pretty quiet, aside from Sitara’s tunes (which...were damn good; wow) and us occasionally singing along. She dropped me off, I ditched the car fast enough to not notice it didn’t leave when I did, and hurried to the elevator, impatient to see what big gift Wrench had planned. Sitara got involved, it kinda sounded like a big deal...

   The elevator couldn’t get to me fast enough, nor take me to my floor fast enough! Rushing through the doors the second they were wide enough for me to leave, bolting down the hall to our apartment, opening the door...

   The first thing I saw- that caught my eye- was a cat tree in the corner of the room. It was painted over with (what I’d sure damn hope) was pet-safe paint, decorated to look like....well, DedSec’s whole aesthetic on a cat tree. My jaw had already dropped.........but it didn’t compare to the sight on the couch.

   Wrench, awkward as ever without his mask, looking up at me....and holding a small kitten. They were meowing softly...and he was holding it.

   Tears filled my eyes before I could even process all of this, Wrench standing up and gently handing me the kitten, letting me cradle them in my arms. This... This was huge. Wrench HATED animals. Hated them ever since I met him and probably beyond that. He never did fully elaborate, but I could guess; bad experiences with animals, time after time. Never did help that I could imagine him as that one “asshole” kid who probably bothered them too much, causing those angry reactions to his behavior...if not just the wrong animals at the wrong time for him.

   He once said he’d kick a puppy and while I abhorred the thought, he at least made it known he wouldn’t....but sure as fuck wouldn’t stay anywhere near “the damn thing”. That was the best I’d ever gotten out of him previously. Again, he loathed animals.

   ....And here he was, handing me a kitten. That he was holding. I could only look up at him in bewilderment, tears in my eyes and slipping down my cheeks. He wiped them away quietly, before smiling a little. Soft and...nervous, but happy.

   “Happy birthday, baby.”

   “Reg...?”

   “You always told me how much you loved cats...and I know how much they mean to you. Shit,” he laughed a little, “you based your whole damn identity after ‘em... So. While you’ve been with the group, when we went to the shelter... I was working on overcoming my fear of them. Maybe not dogs, but cats. So I can, uh... I can hold her. So we could have a cat together.” A pause. “...She’s a siamese, since...I know they’re your favorite.....”

   “Reg...” I sniffled, body shaking. This....This was too much. He already gave me his damn world by marrying me and he just.... He really just worked at unlearning his fear and hatred of animals....for me? Of cats, so we could have one together...? “Th-Thank you....so much...”

   “It’s no problem, kitten.” He laughed softly, stepping closer to kiss my forehead. Tilting my head up so he could kiss me proper. “I’m just glad you love your present. That it was all worth it.” (Oh.....fuck, there went my heart again.) “Got a name in mind?”

   “Not yet,” I admitted, laughing. “You kinda sprung her on me, so.... This is a big ol’ surprise. I’ll figure it out before today ends, though. Promise.”

   “Sounds good,” he agreed, grin growing on his face. “So... Wanna play with this pussy?” I gasped, shoving at his arm, making him laugh.

   “REG!!!! Nooooo, don’t be like that!!!”

   “It’s so funny, though!!” He retorted, rushing off with laughter following him, all the way to the kitchen...and brought out a bag of what seemed to be cat toys. “I, uh... Employed Josh’s help with this one. Group project. I got the kitten, everyone else pitched in a little.”

   “Josh literally got me a whole new boombox. Are you telling me you swindled those poor shits into getting two gifts for me when you got one?”

   “Hey, hey....” He raised a hand, walking back over and setting the bag on the ground. “I’m always your birthday present. And I unlearned some things, so you basically got THREE gifts from me.”

   “Three? I counted four.”

   “...Four?” Wrench’s brows furrowed, as I grinned, setting the kitten down and carefully walking over, grabbing him by the hoodie and tugging him down so I could kiss him. Didn’t take him another moment to hold onto me, smiling into the kiss... Laughing breathlessly when I pulled away. “...Alright. That’s fair. Four presents... I spoil you, huh?”

   “I’ve been spoiling you since the day we met,” I teased, pressing my forehead to his. “It balances out.”

   “Mmm, fair enough...” An odd, wiggly weight on my shoe reminded me of the kitten, who apparently was deadset on attacking my shoe. I looked at the sight and burst into giggles, shaking my head.

   “Alright, more importantly...let’s get this kitty entertained. Shoes are not for playing!”

   “Toys it is!” Wrench announced to nobody in particular, sitting down and digging into the bag, pulling out each toy as I carefully removed the baby from my shoe, and walked back to the doorway, toeing them off as I eyed Wrench and the kitten. He was pouting a little in thought, unsure of what to do...but when the kitten picked for him- pouncing on the feather toy- he laughed and went with it, picking it up and wiggling it around. Bells and feathers clanging, making the kitten go absolutely nuts with excitement.

   ...I’d missed this. Having a cat...but this? All of this, in all of it’s contextual glory? It could really bring me to tears all over again.

   I went back to our growing family with a smile, ready to get into shenanigans...and teach Reg about catnip. (Oh, he was so going to get a kick out of “cat drugs.”)

Tagging: @supernatural-cats-nonsense​ and @robotarmjokes​

[auberginesdonthavelimbs]

[ID. A series of instragram posts by Marie Beechem (@MarieBeech), each with variously coloured text on an off-white background.

Should we say Black? African American? People of color... by Marie Beecham.

You can say Black. Black, Black, Blackity, Black, Black! You’re German, they’re French, I’m Black. No hesitation or remorse necessary. Discomfort with saying Black- like reluctance to acknowledge race, privilege and oppression- reveals internalized anti-Blackness. Regardless of intention, side-steppind Blackness communicates that it’s taboo. ✓ Black ✓ Black people ❌ Blacks.

“It seems rude to say Black.” Black is an insult if Black is a bad thing. Do you think being Black is bad?

Anti-Blackness is pervasive. Often times, it takes the covert form of disassociating or “removing” someone’s Blackness. Here are common examples: “I don’t think of you as Black.” “You’re white on the inside.” “How Black are you? What percentage?” “You don’t act Black.” “You don’t talk like you’re Black.” “You’re not like other Black people.” And you think that’s a compliment? What does that say about what you think of my race?

We love being Black. We hate being oppressed. See the difference?

Black is good. Black is good. Black is good. Black is good. Black is good. Black is good. Black is good. Black is good. Black is good. Black is good.

Black is good is a radical concept. Today’s most common racial stereotypes about Black people date all the way back to slavery. The narrative that Black people are dangerous, immoral, and unintelligent was a tactic used for oppression then, and it’s still common today. Yikes! To ease the cognitive dissonance that comes with being an oppressor, white people uphold the idea that Black people are lesser in character. That way, oppressing Black people (slavery, segregation, and today, mass incarceration and systemic racism) is more defensible. This “difference of character” belief wrongfully justifies racial disparities while lessening culpability for discrimination. It takes deliberate unlearning of intergenerational unconscious prejudice to buy into the radical, countercultural concept that Black is good.

Context and usage. Do not reduce Black people to our race. I love having Black as part of my identity. I don’t like when Black is made to be my entire identity. For example: “She’s Black, so she must want to talk about my Black friends, ‘insert racial stereotype’, etc.” Pssst... I’d rather not. “So I have this coworker- he’s Black- and anyway...” Is that all he is? Does he have a name? Doing this leads to wrongful assumptions, harmful racial stereotyping, othering, and erasure of individuality. Black people are not a monolith.

Black or African American? Some people may identify with their African roots and prefer “African American.” Most people prefer “Black” over “African American,” because we can’t trace our lineage, or we don’t identify as African. “African American” isn’t more proper than “Black.” They are different, and Black is its own (legitimate) culture. Keep in mind, language is and always will be dynamic. Terminology that was standard in the past is no longer acceptable. Continually learn and adapt out of respect for people’s identities. A person’s identity is theirs, so use whatever language they want you to use. Ask them in an appropiate setting if you’re unsure. Please let me know if I mistakenly... NOT: So what are you?

Black is not a dirty word. Black is not a dirty word. Black is not a dirty word. Black is not a dirty word. Black is not a dirty word. Black is not a dirty word. Black is not a dirty word. Black is not a dirty word. Black is not a dirty word. Black is not a dirty word.

End ID]

Black is not a dirty word.

Click here for 200+ free social justice and mental health resources. Follow @bfpnola for more!

And please remember, Black is good is a radical concept, but radical concepts are what create change. Keep fighting.

[sigurdjarlson]

Companions react to Sole becoming the leader of the Institute, but making the wastelands a better place with the institute's technology and not being a jackass like their son was(also random reminder that you are indeed a beautiful, elegant creature).

ahhh thank you so much

 it’s late here and I’m kind of tired so this might not be my best work. I’m a little rusty too but I hope you enjoy :) 

Codsworth: He’s confident in their intentions. He knows what kind of person they are and he’s so goddamn proud of them for using what used to be a source of fear and pain and turning it into something good. It would have been a waste for them to just destroy the Institute given all the resources and technology it contained that could (and now are) be used to help others. 

He’s deeply saddened by how everything went down with Shaun but he’s proud that Sole isn’t going the same route. He takes to synth Shaun instantly honestly. He might as well be the same person he took care of as a baby. 

He’s confident that with Sole..this Shaun will grow up to be what the original should have been if things hadn’t gone so horribly wrong.

Preston: He’s unsettled by their decision to become leader of the Institute but he trusts them. He knows they’re a good person and any doubts he has are wiped away as he watches them turn the Institute into what it should have been in the first place.

Not only is the Institute one of the good guys now but alongside the Minutemen they can do so, so much good for the people of the Commonwealth (and even beyond). He’s never been prouder of them. He never would have expected this outcome but that’s just fine with him. 

The Commonwealth was saved the day Sole walked out of that vault.

Piper: She does NOT respond well to the news that they’ve decided to become leader of the Institute. She’s angry. She’s hurt and she feels betrayed. They were supposed to bring this awful organization down and they decided to join them?

She probably is very aloof at first but time passes and she begins to think back on things. She knows them. The Institute was an awful force in the Commonwealth but Sole is anything but. She..decides to find them and listen to what they have to say. 

This is Sole. She knows them. She’s not exactly comfortable with their decision but she’s willing to give them a chance. When they really do turn the Institute into a force for good she feels guilty for ever doubting them. She’s more than happy to spread the news too. 

“The Institute: Boogeymen No Longer.” (this is a terrible article title..i’ll leave the article writing to Piper)

If you read the article she writes if you side with the Institute it’s really touching because despite her initial reaction she clearly comes to accept it because it’s Sole and she trusts them to do what’s right.

Nick: He has a similar reaction to Piper but he feels it on an even more personal level than Piper does because of his connection to the Institute. How could they?He immediately demands they tell him why because they better have a damn good reason for doing so. 

He’s so hurt but he listens because..they have to have a reason for doing this. Sole is his partner and his best friend and that’s why he listens because he can’t bring himself to believe they would do this will ill intentions.

But Nick is idealistic and while he’s a little unsure about their plan he’s willing to listen and see what happens. He’s willing to work with them as long as they stay true to who they are.

As time goes on and he sees that it’s truly a force for good now he makes his peace with their decision. How could he have ever doubted them in the first place? He’s so very proud of them. 

Hancock: He’s not sure what he thinks of the decision. He sure as hell hates the Institute but he knows Sole. He knows they’re not that kind of person. He believes them when they say they’re going to make the Commonwealth a better place. 

Any doubts he might have had are erased as time goes on and Sole uses the Institute to help the Commonwealth. He’s proud of them and he’s never loved them more then he does now. Who would have thought they could turn such a shitshow into something good? Well, he should have known. If anyone could do it..Sole could.

Maccready: Honestly Mac really doesn’t care. The Institute is creepy and all but Sole is his best friend (or lover) and he knows them. He finds their quest to save the world a bit ridiculous but he supposes it’s..admirable even if it makes him roll his eyes. He can see the logic in their decision when they explain it to him. Why waste resources right? And..maybe some of these resources could be used to help Duncan

Regardless he doesn’t care. He’s loyal to them and he’d follow them into hell and back. He just hopes they make a choice they can live with. If they’re happy he’s happy.

Cait: Cait really doesn’t give a fuck. She thinks they’re far too idealistic but they’re her best friend (or lover) and she’ll be there by their side no matter what they choose. The institute is kind of..stuffy for her liking but she tolerates Sole leading them. Her loyalty is to them and them choosing to lead a bunch of Eggheads isn’t gonna change that. 

Curie: She’s thrilled. The amount of technology and information the Institute has..and now it can be used to help people. She never once doubts Sole’s intentions. She’s not disappointed either because they do exactly what she expected them to do. 

She’s also in heaven because there is SO much to learn and so many new opportunities. She’s at the forefront of finding ways to use the Institute’s resources to help the Commonwealth. 

Longfellow: He just kind of eyes them skeptically and asks them why they chose to do it. They certainly seem like a bunch of awful people but he’s willing to listen because surely they have a good reason. He’s a bit skeptical but when they actually do use it as a force for good he’s fine with it. They’re a bit of a stuffy group but he can’t deny that they’re helping people.

Gage: Scorn. He doesn’t understand why they’d want to lead the Institute. Although he knows power  when he sees it and he’s interested in the possibilities this opens up.He thinks their insistence on charity is ridiculous but hey they’re the overboss. Of more than a group of raiders too. He can dig that. He just wishes they’d stop wasting resources on..helping people.

He never thought highly of the Institute (or any other faction for that matter) but he loves Sole and well, if they wanna lead a bunch of eggheads who’s he to argue. He’s particularly interested in what they could gain from this however. 

Danse (pre-BB) His first initial reaction to them accepting the position is anger. How could they? This is going against everything they believe in. He just wants to know why. Their explanation is..he’s unsure about it.

In theory using the Institute’s resources to help instead of hurt people is a great idea but the nature of the Institute makes him wary. He gives them a chance though because he trusts them. He loves them and he has faith in them. 

He’s so proud of them when they do turn it into a force for good. 

However..there is an elephant in the room and it’s the synths. He’s not going to be happy if they continue producing synths. He’ll be vehemently opposed but I wonder if perhaps he would grudgingly accept it since they would be under Sole’s control and leadership. 

 I don’t know? He would not be happy about it though. That I do know. 

Post-BB: He’s confused. Why? He’s angry but most of all he’s hurt and confused. Why would they join them? Lead them? He’s unsure but he knows them. If anyone can turn the Institute into a force for good it’s Sole.

When they actually go forward and do so..he’s never been prouder of them. He naturally is never fond of the place itself but Danse can respect that it contains resources they could use for the good of mankind. It would be easy to misuse something like that but it’s Sole and he trusts them not to. It was a smart tactical decision in retrospect. It would have been a waste of resources.

I’m unsure how he’d respond if they continued producing synths. He’s a synth after all but he still seems to hang on to a lot of BoS rhetoric even post-BB (to be fair it would take a long time to unlearn that kind of brainwashing) Hm..I don’t think he would want them to make synths regardless of his true identity. It just doesn’t mesh with the way he sees things and while hopefully one day he can make peace with his identity and come to see they’re not monsters (and neither is he) he still thinks it’s..unethical. 

Maxson: He’s fucking pissed at first. He feels betrayed (god knows we know he doesn’t respond well to that) and he’s astonished they have the gall to come onto his ship and tell him they’re going to be leading the Institute. He demands they tell him why the hell they would do such a thing or he’s going to do what they came to do in the first place. He can end the Institute right here right now. 

He gives them a chance to speak though because they say they have a reason and they better have a good fucking reason for doing this. 

He’s..unsure. While he can agree the Institute has technology and resources that could be used to help the Commonwealth he also knows they’re the same organization that created synths, that killed and terrorized the Commonwealth. 

They’re so..earnest in their plea for him to just give them a chance. He relents and..he finds that he’s been doing that for them quite often hasn’t he? He’s suspicious and aloof for a while but they’re actions speak louder than words to him.

They did come to save the Commonwealth and that’s what Sole is doing. He can respect the logic in their decision. In retrospect maybe destroying all the knowledge the Institute contained was a bit..impulsive. 

If the right cards are played I think he would come to some sort of agreement. Mutual gain. If they’re going to use it for good he can respect that. He does care about the people of the Commonwealth and Sole is helping them. Not quite in the way he imagined but perhaps this is better.

He’d probably be a bit pushy because he thinks the BoS should have control but..he trusts them. If they work alongside them he can tolerate it.

HOWEVER

I see an issue when it comes to the fact that the Institute does produce synths. Would Sole continue to do so? Is it ethical to do so? We know Maxson’s opinion on that.

I’m not so sure he would be willing to accept this if they continued to produce synths. They might end..tragically for at least one side. He’s not going to accept that.

X6: He’s pleased when they accept the position. That was the plan after all. However..he does find their desire to help these wastelanders a little annoying. Why waste resources on these wretches? The future is here. In the Institute not out there in that godforsaken wasteland.

They’re going to butt heads over this but he eventually comes to grudgingly accept that they’re going to continue to charitable. He trusts them though and hopes they remember what really is important. The Institute. He’s as loyal as ever even if he does roll his eyes behind those sunglasses a lot. 

Deacon: He thinks they’re joking honestly. He cracks a joke  but they fall flat because Sole isn’t laughing. When he realizes they’re serious..Deacon doesn’t get angry easy but Deacon is fucking pissed. It feels like betrayal but he listens because surely they must have a good reason..they must..because they wouldn’t? Would they?

He’s..not sure how he feels about it but their plan seems like a good one..but could it work? He’s very pleased when he starts seeing real change. In retrospect it’s smart of them to use the resources they have at hand instead of throwing a bomb at it. 

With the leader of the Institute working aside The Railroad real change can occur. Not only for the people of the Commonwealth but for synths and hey, that’s something Deacon is more than happy to be a part of.

Strong: As long as Sole still smashes with him sometimes he doesn’t particularly care? He doesn’t like the Institute though but in his eyes they conquered it and he can respect that. It’s like..a new, stronger leader taking over in his eyes. Since strength is something super mutants hold in such high regard. 

Dogmeat: He doesn’t care. In truth Dogmeat is the most morally dubious of the companions because he loves the Sole Survivor unconditionally. If you killed everyone in the Commonwealth he would still love you ;) 

The first part is a joke of course. Dogmeat is a pure and good boy.

[peench]

Hi 👋!!! Im a little on the younger side, but u give such good and heartfelt advice, so I thought Id ask u about coming out. My parents dont know I like boys yet, and Im scarred for how they will react. They have said mean things about gay people in the past, so this worries me. Ill be 18 in less than 15 months, but what should I do?? I cant support myself if they kick me out but Im tired of hiding 😪

Hi there dear,This is a tough one. I can only offer some of my story and what I think might be some good ideas for you. You have to decide when you come out, and right now doesn’t seem ideal from what you’ve said here, but if you feel it’s your time, please proceed with caution.

My story was very easy. I was lucky, so I’ve never personally dealt with much family controversy over my sexual identity (thank goodness). But I’ve known people who have, and I know the fear of coming out to a hostile social environment. I grew up in the south and you never know how people are gonna react down here. Lots of people don’t even care, but on the other hand there are lots just as soon see you burn for it. 

So I’ll be realistic with you, it could be that you could come out and they could be angry and confused about it, or it could happen that you come out and they welcome everything about it. My family had said some stuff too here and there that scared me a little. I want very much for your story to end up like mine.

Plan CarefullyEspecially if you’re under 18, please plan carefully. You are way too young to try and make it without support in this world. Make sure that, if you’re unsure of your family’s reaction, you’ve confided in a few very close friends and maybe even their families if you think that’s a safe move. That way, you know you have people you can lean or a place to stay on if your family reacts badly. I don’t know if you have a job, but you need to find one. Make sure you have a way to support yourself at least a little. 

Stay Focused Be SmartMake calculated decisions that will carry you further. For example, get involved with your schools LGBTQ club or if you don’t have one, seek whatever support you can. Find a team, a group, a club and befriend people. You’ll need some long-term plans in place, and you may need a helping hand from a community, so start cultivating those relationships now so you’ll have them later. That job I mentioned, make sure you have a way to get there if they take your car. Find a counselor (at your school or in your community) who will listen and offer local resources that could help you.

Homophobia is a Learned BehaviorThis kind of thing is deeply engrained in so many societies. As I said, my own family would exhibit mild forms of homophobia sometimes, nothing too severe, but still. But they had also never had to directly confront homosexuality in their own lives before. Once I came out and they had accepted that someone they loved for 20 years was gay, they started to understand how their words and actions might have hurt me. They started learning more and have grown tremendously as a result. It’s a learned behavior and can be unlearned. Be prepared for the hurt that they might cause you if they are angry or say hateful things when you tell them, but hold out a healthy amount of hope that, with your influence, they might come around one day. 

This is just my take on things, but no one knows your situation like you do! Assess things yourself and act accordingly. Collect some opinions of trusted friends and family and people who know you personally, pick out the best advice and implement it carefully. 

I wish you all the good luck in the world! I hope it all works out or you. And I hope you’re pleasantly surprised :) 

[shannon-jeanna]

So let’s talk about one of the big contributors to Asian Americans’ cultural stress: Microaggressions.

What are some microaggressions that we Asian Americans face that might cause us to experience mental (as well as spiritual, and physical) health challenges?

I’ve compiled a list of microaggressions that make us feel more “othered” and aware of our distance from cultural belonging.

These slights can drive us to experience bi- or multi-cultural stress or what is often referred to by Asian Americans writing or speaking about their experiences as identity crises (search “Asian American identity crisis” into your search bar and check out the number of results. It’s wild).

1. Non-Asians acting as if they are more familiar with our “native” culture(s) than we are as Asian Americans.

I am frequently asked questions like, “do you know how to make curry? Can you teach me?” and “are you familiar with the origins of yoga practice?”

I’m clearly “brown,” and people read me as Indian. And so, of course, I also always get that mildly irritating (depending on who’s asking it) question of “where are you really from?”

People have diverse responses to expectations that they are an automatic authority on some culture that others associate with them, often based just on their physical appearance.

These questions don’t necessarily bother me in the sense that they assume that I’m un-American. Asian Americans are, after all, immigrants to a colonized land, and so should be more reflective of how our claims to belonging and American-ness can normalize colonization and invisibilize Native displacement.

But they bother me because they heighten my sense of cultural dysphoria, or, feeling like I don’t belong to any culture because I represent an ugly, rejected mixture of both.

2. Being told that we’re not really Asian because we grew up in or were born in the U.S.

We don’t only experience cultural rejection from white people, but from other Asians as well.

Often, Asian Americans speak about going back to our “native” land(s) — usually meaning one or multiple countries or regions in which our ancestors lived and had descendants — and feeling like total outsiders. This might be because we can’t culturally relate, or we have trouble speaking the native language.

Because many of us are also considered outsiders in the U.S., we may expect to automatically feel accepted in [insert country or region here] when we travel or meet people from there. The sense of: finally — my people!

But, turns out, we might even be outsiders to who we think are “our people.”

We can be told in many ways that we’re not properly Asian. In my culture (I find it humorous to say this because I have none), people like me are called ABCDs (“American Born Confused Desis”) and coconuts (brown on the outside, white on the inside).

All of these labels, while admittedly sometimes funny, emphasize our outsider status, and thus our distance from genuine cultural belonging.

As a result, we can grow more, as I name it in an earlier article, culturally dysphoric. Indian scholar, Homi Bhabha, refers to this experience as being “unhomed.”

Basically, we get mad stressed and unsure about where we fit into different cultures because the reality is that we’ve grown up with multiple — we’re complex!

3. Experiencing rejection or exoticization from non-Asian people

I was reading through an old Skype chat that I had with my white girlfriend when I was 15 years old. At first, I was really moved by the amount of care we were expressing to one another. But then I came upon a list of “100 things I love about you” she wrote about me.

Sounds cute, right? Not so much. One of the one hundred things was, “you’re my Princess Jasmine,” and another one was “you’re a hot Indian.” YIKES. She was definitely exoticizing meas a lot of my white partners have in the past.

Anyway, many people of color have a complicated relationship with feeling desired, for a number of reasons. Whether it’s our labor, our citizenship, or our attractiveness, the way that we are desired often feels fleeting and sometimes even exploitative.

An example of this for (especially femme) people who are Asian American is the perception that we are exotic, fetish objects — basically, that we are attractive based on eroticized racial or cultural stereotypes projected onto us.

Exoticization isn’t genuine attraction. It means we’re deemed both attractive, and disposable.

We’re again cast as outsiders — or, “other” — rather than being accepted into a mutually respectful space that doesn’t slap racial and cultural assumptions onto us before considering the many other aspects of our personhood.

While it’s important to talk about the anxieties that can arise from feeling distant from our “native” culture(s), we also need to keep in mind that we can’t responsibly claim to be insiders to a place where we have not lived or spent much time.

If we do, as Janani writes in “I’m the ‘Safe Kind of Brown,” we could perpetuate stereotypes about life in our “native” regions, because those stereotypes may actually be what we’re most familiar with as people in the diaspora.

Instead, we need to have more conversations about what it looks like for us to be embracing our hybrid identities — straddling the borders between multiple cultures and regions.

But, embracing this reality is hard work. And, unfortunately, the vast majority of Asian Americans who write and speak about this issue overlook that it’s even more difficult for people with multiple marginalized identities (like, being trans or queer) to do this. Because we’re often rejected from multiple cultures on the basis of our queer and trans identities.

And, contrary to what this video discussing Asian identity crises suggests, we can’t simply “forget” about what people think about us in order to accept ourselves.

That sort of practice of just forgetting about it seems like it requires us to suppress our emotions, and neglect our health. It reads as a privilege that isn’t as simple as it’s depicted — especially for people who are multiply marginalized, and who are anti-racists resisting assimilation into whiteness.

There is an urgency for greater attention to mental health care for Asian Americans based on these and other social factors. They cause us to not only develop identity crises, but also further feelings of alienation, confusion, and loneliness.

Mental health care doesn’t have to just look like therapy sessions.

It can be strong digital communities for people across Asian diasporas, or physical spaces for community healing. It can also look like increased media representation that depicts conflicts like ours.

Many Asian Americans hold privilege, but we also deserve to heal from our pain as marginalized people. I don’t think these two things need to exist apart from one another.

There is an abundance of healing potential in recognizing our potential harms done as privileged people, and unlearning the destructive mentalities that we have accepted for ourselves out of a need for survival.

Mirza puts this well. They say that our sadness holds the legacies of our trauma. And, if it goes unexplored, because we “become so wrapped up” in sorrow resulting from our oppression, we can neglect to be critical of our privileges and the ways we can do harm.

So, let’s talk about our sadness, and legitimize our trauma from the microaggressions that have worn on us over time. For diasporic, bi- and multi-cultural people, let’s try to embrace our hybrid identities in whatever ways we can, because always striving to fit is really exhausting.

[polyadvice]

Hi Zinnia! If you are comfortable with it, would you mind talking a little bit about your faith and its relation to polyamory? I was raised Catholic in a rather strict community and had to unlearn a lot of toxic teachings to become comfortable with polyamory. I'm curious about your experience and keeping with the faith.

This answer ran really long, so I’l put it under a cut and break it up into sections.

My identity

I believe that I have always been polyamorous; I can look back at some thoughts, feelings, and questions I had even as a young kid and recognize that traditional monogamy just would never have been healthy for me. This “born this way” narrative helps strengthen my conviction that polyamory is an okay way to be; it’s not just urges that I need to resist to be a good person.

My personal faith journey is a bit unconventional in the sense that I was not raised Christian but converted as a teen. So I was lucky in that I didn’t grow up with a lot of toxic teachings about bodies, sexuality, relationships, purity, etc. I converted in the context of the Evangelical church, passionate and individual-focused, but I never held to much of their theology around social issues.

When I discovered polyamory as a term and concept and started practicing, I was 19 and had been Christian for about three years. I wasn’t too concerned with how it intersected with my faith; I was still learning who I was and what I believed, and I was the only Christian in my social group, so there wasn’t much pressure around that. My parents are okay with my polyamory and NOT okay with my conversion to Christianity. Go figure.

By the time I was 21, my identity and theology as a Christian, and my identity and philosophy as a polyamorous person, had both crystallized. They grew in form together, informed by my studies into queer, liberation and feminist theology. My polyamory is part of my faith; my faith is part of my polyamory. I see traditional attitudes about relationships, gender roles, and property rights as violent and outdated, and standing in opposition to the Gospel message, and healthy, intentional polyamory is one way, for me, of re-claiming the dynamic vision of wholeness that I believe the Kingdom reflects.

Romans 13:10 tells us: “Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.” I believe sin is anything that separates us from God, each other, or ourselves; anything that denies someone agency and wholeness; anything that causes trauma to our bodies, earth, relationships, or minds. I can see no evidence that healthy, intentional polyamory does harm. It liberates us from rigid relationship roles that are tied up in oppressive ideas about gender, bodies, and economics. I don’t think it’s “wrong” or “sinful” to be polyamorous.

I am fully aware that parts of the Bible clearly prescribe monogamy - but I believe those sections must be understood in the context of the time. It is clearly sinful to cheat on someone, to use your body or your language in ways that hurt someone or leave someone vulnerable. Without a cultural concept of healthy polyamory, unhealthy non-monogamy of course looks sinful.

But the Bible also condones slavery, plural marriage, and violence against children, so, again, it’s important to understand context and culture. My old priest used to say “Jesus talked a lot more about economics than sex,” and she’s right. If you look at the core message of Jesus - liberation, wholeness, reconciliation, redemption, love - it is a lot more compatible with polyamory than a lot of the stuff we see in the Old Testament, stories being related to us not as an example to follow but a historical record of a specific people’s relationship to the Divine.

I get really insulted when people (that means you, everyone who messages me on OKCupid) imply that my polyamory and Christianity exist “in spite of” each other; or that I must “compartmentalize” in order to be both, or that I have to do some “reconciling” to avoid “cognitive dissonance.” To me, they are intertwined; they inform each other; they are rooted in the same thoughts, beliefs, values, feelings, desires, and needs. 

My Christianity influences my polyamory - Gospel ideas about growth, healing, inclusion, and love. My polyamory influences my Christianity - practices centered around intentionality, identifying and communicating needs, honoring a person and their relationships without having to fit it into a pre-existing box. I am both a Christian Anarchist and a Relationship Anarchist, and that’s not exactly a coincidence.

Being polyamorous in a Christian community

I immediately started running into opposition, however. My spiritual leader on campus, the InterVarsity coordinator, disapproved of my polyamory and cited Scripture about it. It hurt my heart to have such an important part of my life and relationships rejected by someone who I needed to be a safe person, so I sort of just dropped that as a conversational topic, and she did the same, though I know she continued to “pray for me” over what she saw as a dangerous and harmful choice I was making.

Later, I took a volunteer gig as a youth ministry helper in a church. But since I was living with my boyfriend and unmarried, I was unable to sign the covenant the church required of actual volunteer-staff, which was why I remained a “helper” instead of a “leader.” In practice, had all the same roles and responsibilities as a leader, but on paper I held a lower position. The youth pastor and his wife were supportive and welcoming, treating the whole situation like a bureaucratic annoyance. But it was a clear signal that my understanding of sexual morality was different than this church’s party line, and so I kept my polyamory to myself.

I was accidentally outed during a conversation with the youth minister’s wife - I mentioned a college boyfriend, but she remembered that I had been with my current partner since high school. I said yes, we opened our relationship to get through the distance of college. She said “but now that you live together, that stopped, right?” I could have lied to her, but I really don’t like doing that - staying closeted through omission of details is one thing, but answering a direct question with a lie feels gross. I told her the truth.

She was clear with me that she doesn’t believe that is a wise or healthy or Godly choice. I was clear with her that I respected her position but wasn’t interested in being evangelized out of my relationship and identity. She told me she would pray for me and encouraged me to spend some time with the Holy Spirit seeking discernment about this. I told her that I would (knowing that the Holy Spirit and I frequently come to conclusions together that she wouldn’t agree with). She also made it clear that I was to keep this private at church, especially since I worked with the kids. I promised her that I would. She continues to be a good friend of mine, a loving and supportive sister in Christ.

When I moved to where I live now, I sought out a more open church. I found my way to the Episcopal church. They are known for being incredibly progressive in issues of sexuality, gender identity, etc. They have openly gay and  leaders in the church, perform same-sex weddings, teach comprehensive sex-ed rather than purity-culture nonsense in their youth programs. I joined an Episcopal church in the area and soon was interviewing to be their youth minister. As part of the interview process, I told my priest, who would also be my boss, about my polyamorous identity.

He was less aggressively this-is-wrong than the other church leadership I’d spoken to, but was also not immediately welcoming. He told me that he didn’t see it as a problem and was still happy to hire me to minister to the youth of the parish. However, as a condition of my employment, he did want me to stay closeted at church. Essentially, his position was, he didn’t have an issue with it, but he also wasn’t “for it” enough to take a stand for me if the parents of the parish were put off or uncomfortable. He didn’t want me to put him in the position of defending something he wasn’t sure he was able or willing to defend. He also didn’t want concerns to be raised that I was teaching the kids something inappropriate or out of line with the church’s beliefs.

So I agreed. It was worth it - I love the kids and wouldn’t trade my place in the community for anything - but it is painful and isolating. I do live in fear of being “caught.” I have two long-term partners right now, one of whom is seen by the church as my boyfriend; and another who is my “friend.” I am very lucky that this person doesn’t pressure me to let him be his true self, hold my hand or kiss me when he visits me at church to hear me preach - it is a big thing I am asking of him, too, to be closeted as well, to be kept a secret. I have a lot of church people on my Facebook, so I cannot wish him a public happy anniversary, refer to him as my boyfriend, post any photos of us kissing, etc.

But I also live in most areas of my life as an out poly person. I run this blog (actually, the login page for my gmail which clearly says “polyamoryadvice” was accidentally projected to the entire parish when I plugged my computer in once, which gave me a gnarly panic attack but thankfully had no consequences) and have an OKCupid account (where local people have found me!). I worry about being doxxed or being seen out and about with one of my other partners. So It’s a fine line to walk and I do carry a lot of stress and sadness about it. 

I have been open with my priest about my future desires to go into the Episcopalian priesthood, and he is very unsure of whether he could support me if I continue to be a practicing polyamorous person. If I started in the seminary, I would want to be out and proud, but that is not a bridge I need to cross just yet, because I am making different plans for the next few years of my life.

Why I don’t fight for inclusion right now

I would love to be able to write this blog under my real name. I would love to be able to publish articles about polyamory elsewhere, under my real name. I would love to be able to include all my partners in all areas of my life. I am often asked why I don’t push my priest, and my church community, to be more inclusive and accepting.

The answer is two-fold: one, I simply don’t have the energy right now. I am the only person of faith in my polyamorous network right now, and the only person my age in my church community. I just don’t have the peer support or community foundation to start such a fight right now. This sometimes makes me feel ashamed - I look at the pioneers who fought for women’s ordination or LGBTQ rights in the church, and I know their journey was lonely, and difficult, but ultimately worth fighting. I am just not ready to make those sacrifices just yet, to step into that loneliness and pain and struggle.

The second answer is that I want to be sensitive about what I am asking for. Church community and church beliefs are messy, complicated, and, for many people, sacred.

I wouldn’t appreciate it if I was running a community with a set of stated values and someone just showed up and insisted we change to accommodate them. Even if I agree that inclusion is a good thing! Even if the change they’re asking for would ultimately be for the better! This is the kind of thing where, sometimes, you stay in your seat and be a passenger for a while before you try and take the wheel to change course. I respected the right of my former church to set their morals and covenants, even if they didn’t suit me entirely. 

I do not get to show up to an established community with established values and an established identity and start making a big mess of things. I don’t get to demand that they change the way they do everything to include or accept me. I wish I could. I wish there was space for me, all of me, in the church right now. But there isn’t. This makes me feel sad and lonely. And I intend to continue fighting for myself and others like me, looking ahead to a future where I don’t have to be so closeted or compartmentalized - but, for now, the healthiest thing for me to do right now is keep my head down on this issue, because I need a secure place in a church community to build a foundation on before I feel safe striking out on my own like that.

In conclusion

So there you have it! I hope this answers your questions.

This is a really sensitive topic for me - I often feel rejected and alienated from polyamorous communities because of hostility against Christianity, so please don’t send me hate mail about that. I honor and recognize that a lot of people, especially people in the queer community, have a lot of pain and trauma history around childhoods in the church, and you have every right to your anger. But please try not to direct it at me. I get enough snide comments and casual alienation in my daily life, where 99.9% of my peer group is atheist, and it’s pretty lonesome being a polyamorous Christian in an incredibly secular area, attending a church where my demographic is under-represented along every axis.  And if you are a Christian who wants to send me hate mail about how my Biblical interpretations are wrong and I am a hedonistic sinner, also, please just don’t. It really hurts my feelings. I don’t exactly fit in anywhere. I literally cried when I saw an etsy listing for a polyamorous-and-Christian pendant. So trust me, whatever you have to say, I’ve already heard it, and it made me feel bad, but I’m still polyamorous and Christian, so, save your energy and do something slightly more Christlike with your time. <3

[naijaboi]

If we were to believe the dominant narratives around gender transition, we could only conclude that it’s a magical, affirming, and life-giving process. With these stories—and the glorious “before and after” photos that accompany them—we’re told that the uncomplicated truth of transition is that when the transformation is complete, we emerge on the other side whole and shimmering.

I am not whole, nor am I shimmering.

I often wonder: Can it be true that I can’t inhabit this body anymore—with its curves and parts that alienate me—but am still bonded to it? Top surgery is on the horizon for me. While I can’t fathom living the rest of my life with this chest, a part of me is grieving this loss. These curves were always guests (never residents), but their absence still means something to me.

I understand it only in metaphor. Imagine the kidnapped person who bonds to their captor. Imagine that the trauma forces them to forge a bond that will sustain them and wound them all at once. Imagine the attachment that is both real and illusory, born out of a need to survive.

For many transgender people, we find ways to form attachments to the assigned bodies and identities that harm us so that we can bear the burden for another day. And so the euphoria, disgust, and the fear come all at once. Behind the joy, my transition has been grief. My transition has been letting go. My transition has been hard.

I am losing the face that I knew. I delight in my beard, yet I long for the softness that was once underneath. I am angular in all the right ways, yet I still have affection for the youth I once held in my cheeks. And I wonder if it’s possible that the face I rejected (the dysphoria and the distress still real) wasn’t mine to keep but still meant something to me.

I know the feeling of being misgendered, like a knife perpetually wedged between your ribs. And I know the feeling of entrapment in a body that isn’t “right,” a fleshy coffin that conceals and suffocates you. And someday, I hope I’ll know the relief of having broken free of those things—to recognize myself fully when I look in the mirror.

But I live in the real world, too, where the pretending had to be so emphatic, it flirted with the truth. I had to be something I wasn’t long enough to reasonably convince myself, and the feelings there are residual, even now. My breasts disgust me, but they are familiar to me, too—sometimes I cringe, sometimes I cry, sometimes I laugh, sometimes I even smile, and sometimes I feel nothing at all.

When your body is the captor, and your urge is to survive, how do you go on? For some of us, we dissociate, we separate, we detach. But I believe that some of us form attachments, too—to our dead names that our protectors used to coo as they cradled us in their arms, to our bodies that lovers used to gently trace with a finger or lusted after from across the room. And while we know in our hearts that we must change, the intimacy and meaning of what we were was never lost on us.

And it’s this attachment that too many trans people are deeply ashamed of. How can I be seen as valid if I am not willing to abandon the entirety of what I was, of what that felt like? Am I truly transgender if I am unsure, afraid—or grief-stricken, even? If this is everything I need, but it hurts just the same? How can I hold this contradiction if it threatens my existence?

My brother, on occasion, slips and calls me his “sister.” Like a good trans person, I correct him. But some part of me cannot admit that when he says it, I am sometimes comforted—not because I am a woman or was ever a girl, but because I remember the warmth and protection his voice carried when he said it to me, when I was small and still new to this world.

When he says “sister,” it evokes a memory—a very particular one—of blood. When I cut my head open when I was 13, and despite his undeniable phobia of blood, he held his breath and a towel firmly against the wound while I cried. He was brave and he was sensitive and he spoke so softly to me. Then, and many times over, I was so proud to be his “sister.”

I admit that I am still learning to be proud of being his “brother,” too.

Like many trans people, I am learning to reattach to new words and new parts. I imagine what my body will be with immense joy and fear, worried and wondering what of “me” I’ve gained and what of “me” I’ve lost. Every year that passes, I fall more deeply in love with my name—Sam Dylan Finch, which rolls off the tongue like a tender incantation—while still wondering if the name I buried lives on someplace else. The unfamiliar becomes sweetly familiar, while the once familiar nips at my heels like a neglected dog.

It all had to mean something—and in a parallel universe, I think it still does, living on just as it was—because for this life to be bearable, I had to make meaning of these things. Because while the trauma of my assigned gender was at times like a clenched jaw around my body, it was, at first, the only thing I knew. And I created safety with what little kindling I had; I built a fire. Though it may have burned me and even, for a moment, engulfed me, it also kept me warm.

The truth of transition, they will tell you, is that it is pure and unadulterated joy and discovery. It makes for a touching story, to be sure. But quietly, I hold the space for something more—the messy reality that mingling with that joy is also raw and relentless grief, a letting go that too many of us struggle to make sense of.

To live these lives—to survive the trauma of being transgender in a world that denies us, invalidates us, destroys us—we’ve struck a delicate balance of detachment and attachment, forming bonds with our captors that we are unlearning as we become who we’re meant to be.

They tell us that those bonds make us confused or invalid. But I write these words to speak the truth: those bonds are a testament to our resilience. And whether you choose to break them or protect them, what matters most is that you’re still here.

[lesbian-ed]

Hello! Another confused woman here. This might be a strange question, but could it be possible that my inexperience with dating/intimacy, negative body image, and general discomfort with men's behavior might be influencing me in questioning my sexuality? I mean, I identified as asexual (never felt right), and even thought I might be trans because imagining myself being intimate with a man was too weird to picture, but I also attributed that to me not being happy with my appearance. (1/?)

However, I can easily see myself being intimate with a woman. I also went on my first, and only, date with a man a while ago and even though I liked him, when he started being affectionate/physical I immediately got uncomfortable and even made a post on an asexual blog that it felt “wrong”. I asked a couple people if that was normal, but they said they never felt a feeling of “wrongness” just nerves. But I’m afraid that what I felt was just inexperience and not a sign of being a lesbian. (2/?)

But with that, I get excited at the prospect of dating girls, as opposed to having no motivation to date guys. I’ve also been rejected/ignored by men (I’m not a looker), and as I’ve gotten more involved with radical feminism I get disgusted by their behavior, so I’m afraid I’m subconsciously forcing myself to like women as a second option because of it. I don’t know. I thought I might be bi, because I have had crushes on guys, but that could be comp het. Do you have any advice? (3/3)

Hey there, buddy. 

So, the first thing I wanna address here are the many labels you’ve been pinballing with… Ace, trans, bi, lesbian… This is, to be quite frank, a symptom of liberal “feminism” clouding your view of yourself. I know it, because I’ve been there myself, identifying as bi, then pan, then pan and non binary, then just pan, then just bi again, and now, finally, thankfully, I can finally breathe and relax, because I know what I am is not a complicated set of uninteligble sexualities or genders… I’m just a lesbian, just a homosexual female, and I know this because I am only ever attracted to other females, even though I tried for a long time to excuse my way into being bisexual or pansexual.

That out of the way, answering your first question, yes, it is very possible that those factors are making you question your sexuality, but here’s the thing: just because you can see the reasons you started to question, doesn’t mean your questioning should be downplayed. I’ve never met straight people who dedicate any time at all trying to understand their sexuality, let alone all this time and energy you seem to be putting into it.

I don’t believe it is only inexperience that leads you to think you might be a lesbian, I believe, from what you’ve said, that your attraction to women and lack of attraction to man is what is making you think maybe “lesbian” is the word for you after all. And it’s okay to be confused and unsure, especially when you’re on tumblr and people seem to make up a new sexuality every moment, but here, let me make things easier for you.

Being a lesbian is about being exclusively attracted to other women. This attraction can be sexual, romantic, whatever. This attraction is that giddiness and that comfortable ease you feel around other women. It’s the ease with which you can see yourself dating and being intimate with other women.

When I got into radical feminism, after almost 6 or 7 years of identifying as bisexual/pansexual, I was very confused. Even when I was pan, I knew that I’d never be able to be in a relationship with a man, and I actually didn’t want to be. But pansexual was easy, because I hid behind liking women and nonbinary people, and shoved my barely-there “attraction” to men to the back of my mind. Radical feminism made me question all of that. Since I no longer believed in gender identities, I couldn’t be pansexual, and found myself stuck with “bi”. But I was uncomfortable with that, because I only ever wanted to be with women, with my girlfriend specifically of course, but I knew even if we broke up I’d never ever look for a man as a partner.

So I started looking into “febfem” aka female exclusive bisexual female, because I thought if I called myself a lesbian it would be political lesbianism or something. But febfem felt like I was running away from calling myself a lesbian, and after having identified with nonbinary to run away from womanhood, I realized febfem was just another way to hide from the fact that deep down I already knew the only way I could ever be happy was by being a woman who exclusively loves women. 

At the end of the day, I can’t tell you who you are, I can’t really do the math for you. But from what I’ve heard you say, we share most of our experiences, and here is where I’m at right now. I advice you to try “lesbian” out. Go on a date with a girl, okcupid is a good option if you wanna online date, I know it can be tough to find other lesbians/bisexual women in your area, but there must be someone out there, find her, get to know her, see how it feels to date a woman. See if that “wrongness” feeling you described with a man will still be there when you’re with a woman.

I’d also encourage you to question yourself about whether you would actually ever live happily ever after with any man. Question the hypothetical-impossible-perfect man who you’ll probably try to create, the man who could understand your experiences, who could respect you as a feminist, because that perfect man does not exist. You and I both know that we dislike men for a reason. Males have a type, they have a set of behaviours which just doesn’t disgest easily for us. Why is that? I’d say that’s because I am a gay woman, but I don’t know what it is like for you.

Anyway, I recommend you browse our compulsory heterosexuality tag, and see if you can identify with those things. It’s okay to be uncertain in your lesbianism, because lesbians are inherently gender non conforming, and society teaches women that being with a man is their ultimate destiny. It’s not, but it takes some time and some conscious effort to unlearn these beliefs. I hope you can do it, or figure yourself out for whatever is the best for you.

Good luck, and don’t hesitate to shoot us a message whenever you wanna chat, or ask any more questions. I hope this helps clear things up for you a little… 

/Mod A 💞

[kieu-tou]

i very vividly remember how in february of 2020 i was hanging out with a couple of friends at a pub, talking about relationship stuff, and one of my friends (a relatively new one at the time) asked me, with no ill intent & genuine curiosity in his voice, ‘so are you lesbian?’ - and my heart stopped for a second. i felt hot all over, like something shameful & strange was discovered about me (even though all of the people i was with already knew i was queer!), i stammered out some answer, we moved on swiftly. i couldn’t stop thinking about that moment for weeks and months afterwards. that was at the very beginning of me actually trying out the lesbian label, feeling so drawn to it, yet really scared for a multitude of reasons. i’d identified as bi, queer, gay for years before that, but nothing every felt right, it felt like i was constantly confused, constantly searching, constantly drowning in comp het. and now, over a year after that moment, i feel so confident, so at home, and so proud of being a lesbian. this identity and community feels like home more than anything else has ever felt. it’s a part of myself that i always find solace & happiness in, despite everything that it took to get there. but more than anything, this peace does not come from the word ‘lesbian’ itself, this word that used to be so heavy but now brings joy - but rather from the different people in the community i met and felt at home with, from sharing experiences & growing comfortable and safe in my own skin, from gradually (painstakingly slowly at times) unlearning shame.

so this is a gentle reminder that 1) it’s okay to take your time, it’s okay to not know, it’s okay to just be and figure things out with time, it’s okay to feel all of the difficult feelings, 2) it’s okay not to label yourself in any way, or to be unsure about your label - maybe you will find a label that feels like home with time, maybe you will grow into it, or maybe you will continue growing & being yourself without a label - and all of these are perfectly okay, 3) if things feel utterly confusing right in this very moment, i’m sorry. i know it sucks. but please know that it won’t always feel this same way, and that there’s time & space for you in this community no matter at what stage of figuring yourself out you are