#but then also im like. it's not even about the thing. it's about the consistent promises
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note: pollmaker is thinking of the USAmerican lottery system (powerball, mega millions, state lottos, scratchoffs, etc), but poll applies to other countries lotteries systems so long as its still the same concept of "big ol state sponsered gambling shit", but not like casino style gambling. u know what i mean, Lottos.
questions for the tags: how regularly, what stuff you play, if you have limits for yourself, if you feel like its a Problem for you, and for funsies the usual 'first thing youd do if you won the lottery' shit
reblog to have absolutely zero effect on your luck either way. just like, absolutely no change in luck whether you reblog this or scroll past. this is the luck neutral post reblog in the next 30 seconds or dont who give a shit
#buzzy#REMAKING BECAUSE I FORGOT THE FUCKING NO OPTION CHRIST im bad at this#do u ever spend so long thinking about every possible 'OP WHY DIDNT YOU MAKE AN OPTION FOR THIS SPECIFIC SITUATION'#that u forget the fucking 'no' optik#polls#poll#lottery#lotteries#the lottery#gambling#okay to repeat my personal answers: yes but i do only $3 per week and ONLY the texas lotto#i do my lucky numbers and i do a multi draw (does the next ten drawings w the same numbers) so that i dont gotta#pay attention to it for a couple of weeks#which makes it less of A Thing#so im not activelt rhinking about it as much#im ya kno impulsive and in the past it was 'ohh $5 per week and scratchoffs' but that meant too much of a#'oh but this week ill spend an extra $5 ive been good....'#and it was too easy for me to justify going overboard#i know 'not playing at all' is the better option but this scratches the itch just enough that i dont feel tempted to impulse buy scratchoffs#while also being p hands off so im not obsessing over it as much#ya kno?#yeah im consistently wasting money but it keeps me from IMPULSIVELY wasting EVEN MORE money#and it means i can keep lotto winning dreams jn the back of my mind#also first thing id do is go to doctors and find out wtf is wrong w me#well not the FIRST first. first first is probs getting myself a little treat like some dutch bros
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So. Fatebreaker, right? Ryne's biggest fears made manifest, daddy issues personified, yes?
He's an amalgamation of Thancred and Ran'jit, his face, his voice and his weapon is Thancred's, but his body, his fighting style and his words are Ran'jit's.
Throughout the fight Fatebreaker constantly makes comments about how only he can protect Ryne, only he can provide for her, only he has even the right to so much as stand beside her, to be in her general presence. He's possessive and obsessive, repeatedly asserting that she is HIS and his only. Which is exactly what Ran'jit says basically every time we encounter him.
But this time it's in Thancred's voice. This time it's with the voice and face of a man she actually cares about.
Ryne isn't scared of Thancred, she never has been. Even when she first met him she was barely even nervous (as clearly shown in Thancred's short story). There's a lot of different feelings happening between those two, but fear has never been one of them.
But now, after things have gotten so much better, she is scared of Thancred becoming like Ran'jit. Because if Thancred was just a little further gone, if he was just a little less compassionate, he would've. It wouldn't be hard for him to go down the same path as Ran'jit did, to be incapable of letting go of the ghost of that girl he loved so so much to the point he'd stubbornly grip anything close to her he could. He didn't, but the fact he could've is terrifying.
It makes his final words, words that are Thancred's, so very important. This is her deepest fears made manifest, but he still says he wants her to be happy. Her happiness not only matters, but is important to him.
#Now we -the audience- ofc knew Thancred was unlikely to go down that path#bc if theres one thing hes been consistent in even in his darkest moments its living up to his loved ones' wishes and legacies#the only time he even speaks against it is his conversation w minfilia in amh araeng#and thats more a case of all his (poorly) repressed grief and stress exploding than him actually meaning what he says#and trying to control rynes life after minfilia literally told him to just let her live her life goes directly against that#i think about fatebreaker a lot. as i do all things related to ryne & thancred#and to me its so important to note that hes more or less ran'jit with just enough thancred in him to be *too* thancred for comfort#its so. her greatest fear isnt even the thing thats been haunting her her whole life (being forced to fill in for minfilia)#its having her free will taken from her by the person she cares about the most (thancred)#and for him to be trapped in endless suffering because he cant move on#just like ran'jit did and was#its not even necessarily that shes all that scared of ran'jit himself#what shes scared about is caring about someone like that#because then she wont say no or try to be anyone but minfilia#(thats also why this fear appears specifically after things get better)#(because she was already ready to forsake herself if it eased thancred suffering)#okay im gonna stop now i need to sleep gnight everyone#ryne waters#thancred waters#ran'jit#final fantasy#final fantasy 14#final fantasy xiv#ff14#ffxiv#xander rambles#at this point i should make a tag for ryne ramble posts i make so many of them#tomorrow. maybe. if i remember#edit: i made it#xander being insane about ryne
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joel etho single dads au .........
#esp if we go w liml family#etho with scar and bdubs at the park#joel with hermes#their kids meet and become best friends and keep begging for five more minutes until theyre the last ones at the park#so joel and etho inevitably meet and start talking because theyre both hella bored waiting for their kids#and joel lowk kinda cannot stand etho#hes like “igh this guy is sooo pretentious i could sense it from a mile away. who does he think he is with that stupid white hair”#“newsflash it doesnt make you look cool it makes you look old as hell”#(but he doesnt say any of this)#(obviously)#and it works best if etho is totally oblivious#dude is just waiting 2 drop off scar n bdubs back home2 cleo so he can try2 get the Good Nights SleepTM hes been chasing since he was a bab#then they find out their kids go to the same school#and so obviously joel has decided to make it his mission in life to one up everything etho does#at this point etho is fully aware and finds it hilarious#because he is an Expert in these things okay. hes been making brownies for scar's bake sales since before hermes was Born#and joel can try as hard as he can but he just Cannot reach that level.#he can make as many cupcakes as he wants but none of them r gonna beat the gooey deliciousness of ethos chocolate chip triple layer brownie#and that is just soooo infuriating to him. his blood is boilimg at Every Single Parent Led Bake Sale Ever#and its even worse because etho looks like hes about to spontaneously combust at any possible second#his hair is a mess. deepppp eyebags. hes been running on maybe an hour of sleep every night for the past what eight years???#but hes sooo consistently perfect at everything.#joel hates him.#but like they also have to put up with each other at playdates and parties and whatnot because i repeat their kids are Best Friends#aughhh idk theres some potential there. i promise im just not getting it across very well#nya talks#trafficblr#hermitblr#joel smallishbeans
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MAN I'm seriously so sad about season 2. Bc I wish act 2 had the same emotional impact on me as it appears to have on so many others. But rn I'm just somewhere between unable to care and actively annoyed by some of those writing decisions. Seriously the more I think about it the less I like it.
#act 3 come through please 🙏#I don't think it can salvage some of the things I have contentions with but still... please...#don't ask me about the silco vander flashback with jinxs + vis mom#or the bizzare choice to do so much of the storytelling through this weird music video format they've got going on#completely stripping it of the weight these plot beats could've had if they were... normal scenes#and also missing the point of how the music was used in season 1 and what made it so effective#bc it was complementary to instead of replacing the storytelling#seriously don't ask me about these things I will spontaneously implode on the spot#whyyyyy would they recontextualize season 1 like this with that flashback#to me it kind of ruins the character dynamics and themes in s1. it just makes me so sad you have no idea#also what even are they doing with Jinx rn for real#aaarghhhh just... so many things that are making me scratch my head#also I'm so terribly sorry but I could not care less about Isha sorry lol#like i get that its sad conceptually but she was such a non-character that i struggle to feel impacted at all#same with sky tbh. i thought her role in s1 was alright but there is so much emotional weight put on her now#in terms of her relationship to Viktor but that was barely established so it's weird to have her around#and clearly you're supposed to care but they haven't given me much reason to#isha and sky were non-characters just there to die to further the development of other characters#they didn't really have anything going on on their own and that's just a type of character and plot device that does nothing for me#also i thought the war between zaun and piltover + internal struggles in zaun bc silcos gone would be the main focus#but that stuff seems so sidetracked rn#also sorry i dont like what they did with vander and warwick either. that man should've stayed dead lol#it honestly just makes his death feel less impactful and i dont know what this is supposed to do for the story or the themes???#that just feels like a pointless plotline that is taking up time that could've been spent on other things#i just... i could go on like this for a while like there are so many things that just puzzle me#it's so weird considering how tight and thematically consistent season 1 was#let's see where act 3 goes but... i kinda have a bad feeling about it ngl#obv im glad others are enjoying it and this is just my opinion! also a lot of this are probs just my personal tastes anyway#arcane spoilers
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compilation of this guys colours haunting me
#every iterator we have seen in game has a different puppet colour than their associated colour#Moon is blue and yellow. Pebbles pink and cyan. Suns yellow and red#the colours arent exactly opposite of eachother. more like a third across the colour wheel maybe?#though suns colours are pretty close together so idk#and nsh being green on green doesn't really fit that but iterator colours aren't really consistent anyways. But just following that logic#what if purple. But then its purple puppet with purple cloak#im not even gonna start about the scarf in the tags that things maybe existence haunts me just as much#I don't think ourple nsh is more canon im just losing my mind a bit thumbs up I love green NSH my favourite pea head ever#probably gonna draw him both ways#also tag ramble jumpscare get scared get scared#my art
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you know what, I actually will talk about this because it's bothering me. The issue with focussing so heavily on syd and carmy's potential for a romantic relationship isn't that there's something inherently unintellectual about romance or whatever, it's that a lot of people seem incapable of doing that without immediately flattening the story and ignoring or intentionally misreading any and all nuance for the sake of that romance. Every scene suddenly becomes about how it impacts their relationship, every analysis is done through a romantic lens, every frame or line of dialogue becomes about finding some easter egg or hint that "proves" these people should start dating. Their dynamic is absolutely a fundamental part of this show, but if you can only see it as a will-they-won't-they, you miss so much of what the story is actually trying to say with these two.
There are good versions of this story where their relationship is romantic and there are good versions of this story where it isn't, but as soon as you decide them being together is "the point," you lose the ability to actually judge the story for what it is, not what you want it to be.
#like so much of their dynamic (esp but not exclusively in S3) has been about showing the ways that carmy's trauma and dysfunctional#attitude in the kitchen impacts other people and how even though he cares about syd and wants their partnership to work he keeps self#sabotaging and setting himself and by extension her and the restaurant up to fail and replicating the same toxic environments that#he grew up and trained in and this is very much consistent with his character and a natural continuation of the conflicts they've been#having since S1 but because him being shitty with her runs contrary to them getting together suddenly its 'ruining the story' and#out of character and only happening bc the writers just hate to see this ship winning and like. if you really think that i genuinely don't#know what show you've been watching bc it sure as shit wasn't this one. like it hurts to see him do this because you know#they could do something genuinely great together and that he's ruining a really good thing but this is also the reality of where he is rn#if he was just a good and supporting business partner and not deeply dysfunctional it would be wildly out of character#the problem w S3 wasn't that it 'ruined' their relationship it's that it had no clear focus overemphasized carmy's arc at the expense#of the other leads deprioritized the supporting cast while failing to give them their own arcs gave more screen time to#unecessary and uninteresting new 'comic relief' characters and let conflicts stagnate without resolving them or#letting them evolve over the course of the season.#this isn't exclusive to the bear this is a general trend ive noticed where as soon as the 'shipper' part of people's brains get activated#it's like they lose the ability to read the story any other way and it stops being about what's good for the narrative and starts being#about whether or not these two people kiss and anything that gets in the way of that is bad and anything that brings it closer is good#and it's usually whatever but it's really frustrating when the story ppl are doing that to is this good#it also makes people fundamentally incapable of treating any 'obstacle' to that romance in a way that isn't wildly meanspirited and#gross (esp bc those characters are usually women) which is exhausting. like no claire isn't evil or a 'pick me' or 'bad' for carmy#or a useless addition to the story or whatever other nonsense you guys have decided must be true to feel okay. she's a perfectly normal#character and their relationship is exploring some of the ways that carmy's inability to deal with or actually address his trauma#impacts the various relationships in his life. she doesn't even have to be a monster or a narrative mistake for him and syd to be#'destined' for each other or whatever. this isn't a middle school wattpad fic.#im definitely gonna get killed in the street for this but ive been looking for a good reason to spend less time on here so might as well#the bear#sydcarmy#sydney adamu#carmy berzatto
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i don’t talk about bridgerton on here but just to clarify. i will not be having ANY eloise hate on this account. i will bite.
#eloise bridgerton they could never make me hate you!!#addressing the normal talking points one by one to get them sorted:#- no i don’t care that eloise called pen some names after the discovery. she was devastated and furious.#she can apologise in the future but in the moment of course she said it#- yes pen did write about eloise as a way to save her but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t possibly ruined eloise’s life#- similarly: eloise isn’t (just) angry that she was written about. daphne also went through whistledown and it very much terrified her#so have many other women including marina#- eloise is betrayed because she told pen everything and is realising pen told her nothing#(and she’s probably thinking about any secrets she might have said to her best friend that could now be used against the ton and her family)#- as claudio said: being regency gossip girl isnt a moral girlboss thing its deeply harmful tbh#- pen did have reasons to become whistledown! that doesn’t mean that she’s innocent or right!#- eloise isnt now friends with cressida to spite pen lmao she’s alone and scared and cressida was the last person who offered her friendship#she has no idea how to manage society by herself#(and she needs someone to improve the reputation of her and her family)#- im also convinced she has other ulterior motives for befriending cressida. like she’s keeping an eye on her or smth#- eloise didn’t just ignore anything pen said and that’s why she only just figured it out. pen deliberately didn’t speak like lw to hide it#the moment she did eloise was like huh that’s weird she doesn’t normally talk like that. and THATS when she figured it out#- eloise just found out her best friend has betrayed her and been hiding this massive secret#but she hasn’t told anyone. not even her own family. im not hearing out any accusations of HER of being disloyal#- also pen clearly wasn’t that upset at writing about eloise bc the moment eloise and colin upset her she went straight back to it lmao#side note but no i don’t think the queen is going to name her the ‘emerald’ or anything because she’s suddenly in the spotlight#eloise is tbh the only debutante she actually consistently recognised (for good or bad)#a new dress is not going to be interesting for charlotte to change her whole tradition#tl;dr i love eloise and i will die on this hill#eloise bridgerton#bridgerton
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The thing I realized the most about Omniverse that had effect on me past the art style that was so abundantly clear was everything with Malware and Feedback.
How despite the rough edges OV has, it handle the subject of trauma beautifully, what it means to lose apart of yourself, that still holds up to this day whilst also having a compelling and threatening villain to accompany that, but Ben is able to overcome that by forgiving himself and that’s how he gets Feedback again, how is able to heal.
And I just go “yeah no fucking wonder I’m a angsty fiend obsessed with hurt/comfort and characters facing their trauma”
#meg text#ben 10#ben 10 omniverse#LIKE SERIOUSLY ITS NO WONDER IM THE WAY I AM#self imposed conflict is hot but you know what’s sexier? Forgiving yourself#that is a real tag I just typed#Also idk if feedback is my favorite alien but he’s up there even if I wish he showed up more after#but it makes sense in universe ben doesn’t use him a lot given what happened cause he did learn#that’s the one consistent thing about him /hj#(I can’t say Ben also my favorite cause of how he’s written but I cant lie he’s still a compelling mc)#and ov ben is so relatable the more years go by#also malware FUCKKKKS and im so sad there isn’t more fics about him#I love a fathers creation by the perfect genius go wrong and just wants to blow everything up
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i just. hit s+ rank in splatoon and i never honestly thought this would happen?? am i cool now.. do i get to be a part of the s4? do i get to be watered down to my running joke all the time?
#the last part is a joke but i do not see a whole lot of recognition of the s4 being. the s4#like yeah they were cool formidable foes in the s1 era and skull even beat goggles despite his plot armor#but now theyre just#there??#dont get me wrong i love their existence but#it feels like theyve been watered down at least a bit#skull is always just getting lost and army is almost always either the manual guy or the curry guy#thats. thats it thats their bits#skull also has the sweets thing#rider is sometimes a considerable foe too but at the same time the s4 doesnt usually consist of him so im not sure how much to count him#that being said it is a kids manga so i dont really expect it to lean too far into the formidable foes thing#even the xblood werent that scary in the long run and ended up goofy despite being who they were#i also get it in terms of fandom#i understand the appeal of something like aloha being cutesy dumb pink guy (who maaaaaaybe commited some crimes and it shows)#i also definitely understand the appeal of army having a thing for curry as well as the manuals#the manuals can be an endearing thing to write about trust me#but i also wouldnt mind seeing more things that center around the likes of the s4 and the xblood and even the best8 being the absolute best#of the best during their prime#reminder that s+ was the highest rank around when the s4 were introduced. same with the xblood#they were the strongest players and id like to see things that center around that#id like to imagine that moving on to the square and splatsville that the s4 would have had a chance to move uo and get into xbattles#i think of all of them skull and army would have the highest chances of actually making it to xrank and being successful#but honestly if mask and aloha could probably make it pretty well too if they got off their asses#and i think rider would excel as well being rider#he has his own kind of near plot armour i think#so do most of the big teams in my opinion#theyre the sort of doomed by the plot that forces them to battle goggles at some point lmao#maybe i could use this in a fic or au one day#maybe someone already has...#(please send to me if you know of any creators who have played around with these vague ideas of strength i wanna see em)
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2023 Australian Grand Prix - Fernando Alonso(ft. Max Verstappen & Lewis Hamilton)(my personal post-race highlights)
#i seriously think this race took like 10 years off my life#i think i aged about 50 yrs during it and had about 5 mental breakdowns#i dont think i can sum up all my thoughts: just look at my liveblogs and youll see my emotional rollarcoaster#to quote will buxton: “its been a long day.” AND I HAVENT EVEN SLEPT YET WAHHHHH#anyways absolutely wild race but yknow what im glad i experienced it and ty to you all for being here with me#when else am i gonna experience such fuckery#apologies to everyone affected by my yelling and screaming i think i lost my mind about 10 times#props to nando for his consistency#not only has he gotten p3 3 races in a row#but he also lost and regained his p3 twice in a very confusing way(i think i was abt to have an emotional breakdown at the third restart)#okay but things that make me squeal: THE WAY FERNANDO LOVES HIS TEAM AND THE WAY THEY LOVE HIM and THE WAY MAX TAPS HIM ON THE BACK HEHEHE#fernando alonso#max verstappen#lewis hamilton#2023 australian gp#fa14#mv1#lh44#we do a little bit of f1#f1#formula one#formula 1#(2023: 3/23 races watched)
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quitting art aside from what I want to do for myself. ai has destroyed any market, and I do not want to have to be an influencer or internet personality for attention. I sincerely just want to paint whatever I want and live my life with more regular income and less stress. Thanks for the support.
#i actually feel very relieved making this decision#every job opening is for a super senior mega top position#all the studios are closing#i hate ai and i think it is a terrible waste of literally every resource available#while also destroying millions of jobs#which means im sure ai will thrive and never go away because we cant have good things#i thought maybe i could figure it out and keep going but i really dont care#i would be happier not having to compete with every other entry and mid level artist#while constantly looking for work 24/7#and working literally all day and night#im just done.#theres a part of me thats sad but i will still paint for myself and thats all i care about anymore#i also cant get a job as an engineer in my area#so im going to go back to school and get some continuing education#Hopefully if i can redirect into another career#i can find more appropriate and regular work that is safe and moderately well compensated#im due in like. 6 weeks. i really just need something more consistent and art is not doing it#i may do commissions again if things ever clear up with ai#but i doubt that will happen#not even sure if i will continue to post#i dont want my time and effort used by some loser to train their ai
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damn it feels so good to actually have friends who i feel safe around. like to have friends who im not worried that if they find out that i like "cringe" things they wont judge me. woah!!
@angry-avaocardo @silly1xxx @gollyimsosoevil
#appreciation post for my besties✨✨#also the tags got reallylong and rambly just me complainign about the ex friend and a quick update so feell free not to read them if you#dont wanna#theres nothing of substance in there lol#ugh god my old friend the one i made the really long post about asking for advice#i probably mentioned this but i never felt safe to talk about things i like with them#oh god i would never be able to show them defrag#and i probably wouldnt even be willing to ramble about like. the arg or smth to them#id be too worried of them making fun of me#but also they had a way of making it so i hung out with them the most even tho i didnt want to#“me and friend are going to the canteen you two wanna come?”#“[with none of my input] no me and Charlie are staying here”#the only person i felt safe talking about my interests to was a friend that i made when trying to move away frrom the toxic one#a friend who they would consistently ask if i was replacing them with and was so fucking jealous of him#in fact that friend is gollyimsoevil yea that guy#hes great he likes gay addison shit so yk bestie#also they were so good at guilt tripping that now i use their guilt tripping tactics on myself to try and get myself to do things lol#and they would make fun of me so often but GOD FORBID I MAKE FUN OF THEM#they were making fun of me to another person a few /years/ ago so i made some snarky comment about them#because i was really upset by them making fun of me#and they brought it up to me like 2 months ago before we cut them off#like dude you mock and make fun of everything i do so much that ive just stopped talking and completely zoned out whenever im around you#and youre holding some snarky remark that i made when we were like 11 /because you were making fun of me/#UGH#oh ye update on that if anyone cares it went fine they seem to have moved on and are just hanging out with different people now#they havent made any attempt to contact any of us but also havent cut us off#i havent cut them off either ive just left it#i catch them giving me and the other two friends who used to be friends with them dirty looks#but i kinda just ignore it#i have like 5 friends my age who are much much much nicer than them
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treehouse censoring even alfred's, kagetsu's, etc romantic lines in elyos after you s-support them....
#WHY!!!!#why let alfred say he loves you in his pact ring support but then not in the hub world???#avgn WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?.mp4#fire emblem engage#fire emblem#alfred fire emblem#i swear to god i will make a masterpost of every change at some point because this is insane.#regardless on whether people like how fe has dating sim elements there is no excuse for removing content that *isnt even problematic*#i am normally not someone who overly cares about FE censorship but in engage it was extremely excessive and with no rhyme or reason#hitting even characters that are over 18 in the datamined ages (which aren't even visible in game)....#hitting characters that otherwise WEREN'T censored but then are in other places#theres really no excuse for it especially when this is the game with the most textual m/m and f/f options to date#including characters like mauvier (he says he adores you in his wake up events!) who isnt just a bishounen (ignoring the bad 3d models lol)#thankfully mauviers wasnt censored too hard tho they still removed another reference of him saying he loves you! like why?#because romantic content does not change based on alear's gender; by removing romantic elements they also removed textual bisexuality#dont assume im also including jean and anna in that; because im not. but when it comes to characters that are of age as well...like come on#there also isnt any consistency. mauviers datamined age is 31 and zelkovs is 28; but zelkov is censored muuuuch harder#fe#fe17#its a little embarrassing to care about this sort of thing but its still content people are paying for that is removed which isnt okay#for the record ive played almost every FE game and enjoy them with or without dating sim elements.#but what i hate is this half baked situation#games#joseiposting
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listen i can’t prove that asp bloggers by and large seem to know brinker was based on gore vidal now because of me but brother i will say it was not like that back when there were like 4 asp blogs and all the fanart was anime
#you may be thinking. well there are basically 4 asp blogs now#THINK AGAIN!!!! it used to be so much worse.#it feels like there are more people consistently posting about it now#and a lot more art (MUTUALS!!! <33)#like there was an art DROUGHT#it used to be that every time you looked at the tag the same posts would be up at the top and like#it’s still sorta like that but allllll the posts i could never escape have been buried into obscurity#because there’s so much new stuff#i used to be like haha there are 5 people in this fandom or whatever#BUT THAT NO LONGER FEELS TRUE#i used to tell everyone who would listen about the gore vidal thing kehskwhskwhdjwhs#it was such a novelty to me at the time i read asp that queercoding could be so like. complete or comprehensive and also supported by#like authors and academic institutions and most importantly a tumblr fandom sksjsk#so an openly queer man being associated w my fav book whose gayness i was mentally going to bat for was craaaazzzyyy to my#middle school brain#even though i didn’t really know anything about him except for a few anecdotes at the time. brother. how things have changed#oh my god and the fact that there is/was an asp gimmick blog??? asp-quotes??? my god middle school me would’ve died#im still writing the same fucking fanfic that ms me daydreamed about finishing though. god#anyway hopefully this post isn’t. ANNNOYIINNGGG but it’s crazy to see things change like that from so close a perspective#like the smallness of the asp online community makes it easy to tell for some of these things#i draw a line directly between my younger asp mutuals constantly posting art to the influx of other asp content#in my memory one followed the other#fucking anyway. write a memoir dipshit#me.txt#a separate peace#if it is because of me that’s very funnyynbgncb#OH AND IT’S IN POLLS NOW TOO#crazy
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#one day I will get brave enough to set boundaries about the number of times people can promise to show up for me and then just *not*#one day i will be brave enough to say hey this hurts me actually#that you said you would do x/be with me for y/help me with y#and have not followed through#and i get it sometimes people forget things#sometimes real life gets in the way#irl sucks and the nature of being an adult means other things take priority#that's fine#and ig sometimes the things i am asking for are inconsequential in their eyes#they're small tiny things that to them don't mean much or they don't perceive them as that big of a deal#so like#yeah i guess im being whiny and childish by saying hey this tiny thing actually means a lot to me#i get it#but its hard to feel valued and important when its happening consistently#and i am used to just being#forgotten#im easily overlooked#easily ignored#and i never say anything because i am here also convincing myself I have no right to kick up a stink about these tiny things#that in the grand scheme of life are not that important#none of these things im asking for are life threatening so maybe I should just#stop being upset that im not getting them#but then also im like. it's not even about the thing. it's about the consistent promises#and then the consistent inability to meet those promises#because im not important enough to make that effort for ig#sigh#im just venting into the void apparently#1 week anniversary of me moving back into my shitty home situation with my parents and my mental health is in the toilet#can you tell lol#sorry for being sad on main again
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shit might suck right now for me health and mentally wise BUT at least my doctor said that i should get vaccinated for the rona and flu so i get to do that for free now forever so at least that’s something
#i still haven’t recovered from the sickness my siblings inflicted on me#i’ll be better for a day or two and then i don’t get so much sleep one night#because i haven’t gotten my sleeping pill prescription refilled yet#and then i wake up feeling like shit and full of phlegm#i know it’s the same one because it’s not like i’m out here getting reinfected by anyone#and then my sleep shit snowballs from how late i wake up and how much longer everything takes when im sick#and the only thing that reminded me consistently to take my evening meds is broken#and i have to contact the provider that lent it to me and also i have to contact like seven others for various things#and some of them are easy to get ahold of and some are a nightmare and all is too much#needless to say i’m ‘going through’ ‘it’ as the kids say#AND school on top of that???#i feel bad for being so offline because i feel like im letting people down with the fundraiser stuff#but you can see why i’m like.#i’ll be back when i have my shit together enough that i won’t lose my disability benefits next year#because that’s another fucking sword of damocles i’m oscillating between trying not to think about and having debilitating anxiety over#and i have to apply but i need an updated study plan for that but the guy who is in charge of those#cancelled our appointment so i had to book another one which is a few days before a school related deadline#and i’m probably going to be broke as hell beginning of next year anyway because the benefits renewal process takes on average 6 months ime#and it comes with backpay but i have a old ass senior dog. so that’s going to be fun juggling vet bills 🙃#normally i’d sprinkle this stuff a little here or there but i haven’t been online to do that do you get it all at once
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