#but then again..... I've got a personality disorder and the way I feel about the world and the people in it isn't the norm

[phvnthom]

Every single time I see one of those stupid posts that's like, "Being in your 20s is the worst decade of your life, you're not a person yet, oh you're such a baby still, stop glorifying youth, being in your 30s and 40s is where it's at, etc." Older people are not a pinnacle. Being older is not the great thing you think it is and it just sounds super infantilizing on top of it. Just absolutely rage inducing. Sorry, but worry about yourself and how your 20s lacked bc of your own personal failures and stop equating that to some profound realization.

[ladyloveandjustice]

Mental Illness in Anime

I saw someone say Komi Can't Communicate is the only anime they've ever seen that talks about mental illness and that's kinda sad, so for you to not end in the same boat, I've decided to put together an overview of mental illness in anime, what I'd recommend, what comes with caveats, and so on.

It's a little nebulous what "talks about mental illness" means as lots of anime depict characters who are very obviously depressed, traumatized and even suicidal (suicide will be mentioned a lot in this list, so watch out for that), but don't directly name mental illness. It is very stigmatized in Japan, even moreso than many other countries, you don't see much talk about therapy and so on.

However, naturally there are many Japanese people who are mental health advocates, and I found an interview with Makoto Kageyama, a mental health awareness advocate who volunteered at Aokigahara forest. He points out anime he feels deal with mental illness. One we'll cover fully, many of them I haven't watched:

I think the most accurate and positive portrayals I got were actually from Kiriyama Rei (March Comes in Like a Lion), Naruse Jun (The Anthem of the Heart), Miyamura Miyako (ef: A Tale of Memories), Takeya Yuki (School-Live!) and Smile (Ping Pong: The Animation)

I'm super open to suggestions for additions, and might be adding them as reblogs and under the cut.

I'll also be making a post on mental illness in manga if this post does well, which I will link here when I post it.

So I'll start:

Anime that directly discusses mental illness:

March Comes in Like a Lion- not only is the main character one of the most accurate depictions of depression I've ever seen, it's the rare anime that actually talks about counseling, showing a traumatized character attending counseling and slowly getting back on her feet.

Orange--it...certainly is about mental illness, but it's a pretty mixed/problematic one because it seems to be confused by how mental illness works at times. It centers around a character who's suicidally depressed and his friend's efforts to save him after receiving a time travel message about his future suicide. It also does mention offhand that this character was supposed to go to therapy and is skipping out at one point. But yeah, how it handles it is...not always great. It kind of gives an impression that if you try hard enough you can "fix" someone's suicidal depression. With friendship. I guess. You have been warned.

I haven't watched it in a really long time, so it might even be worse than I remember. But I'm including it bc I definitely cried and felt parts of it were very relatable when I saw it way back when. so there's some resonant stuff there.

Monster: Kind of mixed, but it's definitely notable as an anime that not only has a psychiatrist as a major character, but also shows prominent characters going to therapy and getting better. Characters go to him for alcoholism, depression, PTSD (PTSD is not named but yeah it's definitely PTSD). At one point he helps a main character recover some repressed traumatic memories.

What makes it mixed is that while several heroes definitely are mentally ill in some way, the (complex) antagonist of the series also has some sort of mental health condition , and the story is often weirdly muddled about it. At one point they make it out like he has Dissociative Identity Disorder (calling it "split personality") but then he never shows any symptoms of that and it's kind of dropped and not bought up again. He does definitely have repressed traumatic memories though, so maybe that's all they were getting at but said it very badly.

A heroic character that actually seems to have Dissociative Identity Disorder and YMMV in how it's handled and how accurate it is. It's a "the other personality is violent" one, but rather than the other personality being evil, it's. a defense mechanism, and the violence is always in self defense or defense of others..

Sort of names the problem:

My New Boss is Goofy: One of the main characters is recovering from an abusive boss, and definitely has anxiety attacks and flashbacks as a result. This is directly named as "trauma" (though much like in the West where the loan word came from, anime characters use the words to refer to minor things that aren't mental illness too. But in this case it's treated very seriously). At any rate, the entire anime is about others helping the MC slowly recover with his new boss and friends showing immense compassion for his anxiety and other problems. Here's a good article going into it!

Anime that focuses on social anxiety:

I think what stands out about Komi is that it directly says she has a communication disorder, but tons of anime focus on characters with social anxiety, and even state what the problem is directly.

Bocchi the Rock- The girl with the social anxiety is the main character and not the bland self insert guy who has a crush on her?, amazing. it lets her be a mess too? whaaat. Yeah, Bocchi does say directly she has severe social anxiety, and the series is very relatable in how it explores that. There are a lot of gags about it, but in a knowing, sympathetic way. Her recovery is realistically slow, and sometimes she backslides. She talks directly about her social anxiety, using the term.

Tsuritama: MC's social anxiety is so bad he can have panic attacks when people talk to him...the attacks are also represented in this really interesting way where they have water come in to drown him.

My Roommate is a Cat: Man dealing with social anxiety slowly recovers with the help of his cat. It's cute. Here's an article going into it!

Anime that don't namedrop mental illness directly, but really resonates:

Natsume's Book of Friends: I wrote an entire article about how relatable it is to me and my mental illness, how it uses the characters seeing yokai as metaphor for mental ilness at times (Natsume was textually mistreated by so-called guardians who thought he "wasn't right in the head" and his grandmother was often called that too) but also Natsume shows a lot of textual symptoms of trauma (possibly PTSD), depression and so on, and they're explored very poignantly. Here is my article: “The Courage to Speak”: Mental illness and recovery in Natsume’s Book of Friends

Revolutionary Girl Utena: Probably one of the most poignant explorations of what it means to be depressed and traumatized as a teenage girl. Several moments with Utena herself resonate, starting with when she was a child and declares she doesn't want to go on living, Anthy is also...dealing with a lot, and it's powerful how the show goes into it.

Neon Genesis Evangelion-- Many characters in it show symptoms of mental illness. Though it isn't named as depression directly (i think?), but Shinji shows every symptom you can think of, and the director Anno has said that he was extremely depressed while making it and channeled a lot of that into the characters, and we definitely see his mental journey for the better very strongly reflected in the reboot.

Kyousougiga: One of the main characters is suicidally depressed (this one is graphic, because he commits suicide on screen...only it turns out he can't die), and his journey towards becoming okay with living is a focus and was very resonant to me.

She and Her Cat: A short anime about a girl who definitely has depression and how her cat helps her. Rather simplistic ending but it's good otherwise. CW animal death too, but in a very gentle way.

Haibane Renmei: It deals with suicidal depression and other mental health struggles in a pretty intense way, it's touching, but if you have triggers consider looking into it.

Fruits Basket: Truly a cocktail of mental illnesses among the cast. YMMV on how it's handled but some parts really resonate. These articles go into it:

The Always Smiling Girl: How Tohru critiques toxic positivity

“A Man Who Can Experience His Feelings”: Fruits Basket, toxic masculinity, and mental health

Colorful: This is a submission from Nickyenchilada from the notes of this post: "I would also recommend the movie/novel Colorful. I think YMMV on how it handles the central issue of suicide but I think it does portray how even kids can be thrust into very complex situations without necessary outlets for coping with them."

Vinland Saga: This was an addition I got from a discord conversation, the entire second season explore the main character's PTSD

Yuri on Ice- A conversation on discord reminded me that a lot of people read Yuri as having an anxiety disorder, which I can totally see!

A Silent Voice- a submission from @boku-no-anime-phase who says: "I think it deserves its own shout out! This movie is nuanced, gentle, beautifully told and brimming with hope. I love the fact that just like in real life, things don't resolve particularly easily; but the characters make important progress that's rewarding to watch. TW for suicide discussion, ideation and attempt".

Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai - From boku-no-anime-phase who says: "YMMV but there's an arc that deals with bullying and memory loss where a character who deals with those things is supported and encouraged through it".

My Happy Marriage - From boku-no-anime-phase who says: "also YMMV but I think there were some lovely moments in this where you can see Miyo beginning to heal from her trauma and abuse, and learn to trust."

Anime Feminist has a whole host of articles on mental health in anime and they're all here. It covers a lot of different anime I don't know about or didn't mention and offers a lot of cool perspectives, so check 'em out! Here's a few that stuck out to me:

Finding Inner Magic: Depression in The Ancient Magus’ Bride

(I don't like this anime's narrative due to the issue with the ending pointed out in this article, but it did have resonant moments of exploring depression).

How Clean Freak! Aoyama-kun compassionately handles mental illness

The Sound of Depression: Liminal spaces, sound design, and Super Cub

From Yandere Girlfriends to Social Anxiety: Handling mental illness in The Future Diary and A Silent Voice

Footnote on Hikikomori in anime:

Any anime that focuses on Hikikomori characters are dealing with characters that are mentally ill, as being so depressed/traumatized/agoraphobic/anxious you can't even leave your room or house is obviously not mentally healthy. But what really matters is how that’s handled and if these issues are explained, as Makoto Kageyama notes:

Usually, the most common issues I’ve seen covered is the “hikikomori phenomena” and light eating disorders. Basically, a bullied character that becomes a recluse out of social anxiety, but… The characters don’t usually get shown correctly, since their issues are not explained properly and basically it ends up with a “Hey, see? People are not that bad, we are your friends!” and “Yay, I have friends, I am cured and I can trust others again!” Which is not the case, because real hikikomori can take a lot of talk and patience to get them out and when they get back to normal society (if they do), they become very wary of others. And ironically, “hikikomori” has also been used as a “moe trait” in anime even though it’s a mental health issue.

One I saw a lot of people namedrop as handling it well when I googled around was Welcome to the NHK, though I haven't seen it. But, if you look at Nickyenchilada's take in the comments to this post, it's mentioned as being resonant and it's noted that the recovery is not an easy fix, and it's also noted that several characters in the story are mentally ill.

Bonus list:

Neurodiversity in Anime- (that don't namedrop mental illness directly, but really resonate)

I initially didn't include a neurodiversity section in this post because I honestly could not think of any anime that directly talks about neurodiversity or has a textually neurodivergent character.

(However, there are manga that actually do! I pointed some out in my Mental Illness and Neurodiversity in Manga post I did to complement this one!)

You can also read some articles about neurodiversity in anime here

And the list of characters that can simply be read as neurodivergent is huge, and if I tried to list every popular read it would be endless, plus I don't feel comfortable "diagnosing" any characters with developmental disorders I don't personally have. However, I am willing to take suggestions from others on this one, so here are a few!

Mob Psycho 100 - submitted by boku-no-anime-phase, who says " Mob is autistic and I will die on this hill; the trouble he has with fitting in, relating to others and knowing the right things to do imo stems directly from that."

Princess Jellyfish - submitted by boku-no-anime-phase, who says "I'd be willing to bet that all the women who live in that apartment are neurodivergent. They all have their special interests and they live together in mutual neurodivergent infodumping bliss and it's wonderful. (Unrelated but TW for sexual assault and some transphobia)"

Chihayafuru- submission by @noisepartythumpingmusic who says "It's never noted explicitly, but I firmly believe the main character of Chihayafuru has ADHD, which is perfect for a main character of a sports" josei. As someone who does have ADHD, I personally can totally see that read of Chihaya (the main character)!

Anti-recommendations (as in seems potentially resonant but then drop the ball hard, because if I listed all the anime that's blatantly gross about mental illness from the second the subject comes up we'd be here all day) (Dead Dove Do Not Eat)

Wonder Egg Priority: Starts out like it's going to be a nuanced exploration of recovering from abuse, suicidal depression, and so on, only to end up incredibly stupid and offensive. The writer also believes some stupid and misogynist things about "reasons" girls commit suicide. This article goes into it a little.

Your Lie In April: Depiction of depression and trauma is completely undermined by how all the characters tell the MC he needs to get over it because his talent for piano is more important, and the clumsy, gross take on forgiving your abuser, and so many other things. This article goes into it.

---

And that's it for now! Again. I might be updating this with new stuff based on feedback or me remembering something I missed, through both updates and adding stuff under the cut.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for breaking up with my boyfriend because he likes my body?

TW for ED but please hear me out:

My bf (30m) and I (28f) have been together for a little over 5 years. When we got together I had an extremely stressful and physically demanding job. Shortly after our relationship started I relapsed with an eating disorder that had been a problem since prepubescence; I started restricting heavily at age 11 and had struggled with it on/off since then.

After quitting that terrible job and regaining some agency in my life, I spent a couple of years really focused on recovery. Without giving specific numbers (cause triggering) I'll say that I was extremely underweight to an unhealthy level for at least a year and experienced severe health complications because of it. I nearly died from heart problems and had a big wakeup call that caused me to change my whole life. I've done the work of recovery without medical help (history of omission with doctors) but have had support from my bf, and am currently at the highest weight of my life.

at a recent checkup my Dr talked a lot about "healthy lifestyle" and mentioned my weight gain over the past couple of years. I'm still within the "normal" range for my height and build, but the after visit summary/chart notes denoted risk of becoming overweight. Idk if my Dr would have brought it up if my history of ED was in my chart, (and I did switch primary care practices a few years ago, so they weren't treating me at my thinnest) but it still shook me a bit and I will admit to feeling very triggered.

The job I moved to is quite sedentary compared to the previous terrible one - I wfh, and very rarely have to be on my feet or do strenuous activity. In addition, I have chronic pain issues that make exercise difficult, and so historically have just restricted to maintain/lose weight because it's easier for me physically to just be hungry than to work out. I didn't want to go down that road again though because of how intense and scary it got last time.

My bf is a personal trainer and specializes in working with low ability clients and people recovering from long illness/injury. When I told him that I wanted to start exercising more often and get a good cardio routine going, he was really excited and started immediately putting together an "action plan" (what he calls it w his clients idk) for me. Then he mentioned how I'd need to add on a bunch of meal supplements and snacks to avoid losing weight and I got upset.

We're a plant-based (vegan) household and live with a roommate (bf's friend) so mostly eat/cook communal dinners and have various breakfast & lunch plans on hand, so we already eat pretty healthy and make sure to have a good balance of macro/micro in the meal plan. My intent was to eat the same but increase my activity level to get out of the danger zone without restricting. I don't generally snack and rarely eat dessert, just the 3 squares.

I told my bf that I needed to lose weight and be more active according to my doctor, and that I wasn't comfortable with having protein supplements, smoothies, and snacks in addition to regular meals because that would defeat the purpose. He got really sad and said that he likes the way my body is now, and while he supports being more active, he doesn't want the size of me to change. His exact words at some point were "you look so good now, I love the amount of you that there is and I like the way you jiggle." It kind of made me feel sick and wonder if he has like a secret size fetish or something?

So I've been thinking of breaking things off with him and moving in with a friend or back in with my parents, but idk if this is actually a red flag or just the disorder talking? He did help me a lot with recovery but if he's going to keep me from being healthy or wants me to gain even more weight then maybe it's better to leave - would this be an asshole move? I honestly don't know.

[bgomtori]

☆ colours - c.bg

synopsis - despite everything you two have been through, all good things must come to an end right?

-> beomgyu x reader

-> listen to colors by halsey for an experience 🤍

-> friends to potential lovers to acquintances, highschool au

-> warnings! beomgyu pushes reader away, angst, talks on mental illness and eating disorders, yn becomes an insomniac, beomgyu's a year older than you

-> notes! i've gotten back into jjk for the 7th time, and i saw like 3 edits abt stsg to the song colors, so i just wanted to LET IT OUT. GEGE AKUTAMI WATCH OUT

love is the most twisted curse of them all

tired eyes scanning through the folder of memories on your phone, your head dipping into the fluffy cushions underneath you. you didn't want to go through it again, but you couldn't stop your fingers from moving. your eyes watered, tears dripping from the corner. this was at least your 50th time rereading past messages, past folders, and old voicemails you had with choi beomgyu

choi beomgyu, the man that he was. talented, charming, and pretty. he was constantly bombarded with the squeels from your schoolmates along the hallways. however, he would always stick to you like glue, to him, you were everything he wanted. what a trope, maybe opposites do attract.

he was the light to your darkness, even if he stuck onto you like a emotionally attached puppy, you appreciated his presence. as much as you wanted to ignore his pestering, you enjoyed it, too much, to the point where your heart starts beating rapidly whenever he's around.

"ynn, let's go to the arcade after school. you don't have anything after right? let's go." the way he drags his words to persuade you into doing something he wants to do with you, and how your name rolling off his tongue perfectly, has an effect on you. his arms leaned on your desk, giving you puppy dog eyes.

"beomgyu, we have a test next week, i can't just waste my time playing games with you." you closed your textbook, placing your pen back into your pencilcase, making eye contact with beomgyu.

"come onn, you've been studying so much this entire week, you've barely hung out with me." beomgyu whined, using the tip of his shoes to kick your shins.

"beomgyu. this test is important for my final grade." you firmly stated your point, hoping that it'll get through beomgyu's thick skull. you sigh when beomgyu continues to look at you with the same puppy eyes, your words going deaf to his ears.

"fine.." you muttered out, you could have sworn that you saw beomgyu's eyes sparkle when you said that. he jumped out of the random chair he stole from the person who sat infront of you.

"i'll wait for you outside your class! see you!" beomgyu beamed, messing your hair before skipping out of the class like a lunatic. you watched as he left your class, smiling to yourself.

"are you giggling over choi beomgyu like everyone else?" your tablemate, natty, commented. knowing the teasing glint she had in her eyes, you glared at her.

"shut up."

ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁

"i'm graduating in a month, will you miss me?" beomgyu smirked, biting on the straw of his drink. you took small bites out of the bread beomgyu got for you, giving him a disgusted glare.

"what's with that look." beomgyu gasped, swinging his arm around your shoulder, pulling you closer to him. the side of your body was completely squished against him, you could feel your heart about to jump out of your throat. he was too close, too close for your liking.

"i'm going to miss my favourite junior ever, you know that right? you're my favourite junior, no one can ever compare to you." beomgyu reminded you, your lips pursed into a line, pushing his body away from yours.

"don't you have other juniors to care about? why me?" you asked, your eyes not leaving his own round ones.

"isn't it obvious.." he mumbled, not loud enough for you to hear.

"huh? speak up."

"it's nothing! come on hurry, i have a new song to play for you on the guitar." beomgyu grabbed your hand, running towards the direction of his house. you screeched as he pulled you at a speed you were not ready for. you felt like you were running a track competition at this point, just how much stamina does choi beomgyu have?

your head was dizzy, you haven't ran in such a long time at a distance you don't even want to remember. the click of beomgyu's door caused your head to look up from your phone.

"sorry for making you run, i was just excited." beomgyu apologised, placing a plate of fruits and a cup of water on the floor, finding himself on the floor beside you.

"it's fine." you shook your head, poking the fruits on the plate, not having an appetite for them. beomgyu noticed your odd behaviour throughout your entire conversation with him, from the way you just took small bites of the fruits and taking huge gulps of water.

"have you been eating these days?" the sudden question had you panicking, is he always this observant? your eyes darted around his room.

"i ate the bread earlier, doesn't that answer your question?" you replied non-chalantly.

"i meant like proper meals, when was the last time you have eaten an actual meal?" his face has gotten serious, you thought to yourself, your nails dug into the flesh of your thigh, trying to think of a plausible answer.

"i can read you like a book yn, you can't lie to me." beomgyu sighs, his hands reaching out for yours, pulling them away from your thighs.

"i know i'm always not serious around you, but this has to stop soon okay? don't starve yourself, it's unhealthy, and i'm worried for you okay?" beomgyu carressed the knuckles of your fingers. slowly, you calmed yourself down from the unsettling thoughts that were eating you alive, smiling at beomgyu,

"i'm sorry, i'll stop. i don't like seeing you all worried because of me."

beomgyu's lipped tugged up into a smile, standing up, "i'll make something for you to eat, wait here."

from that day on, you knew you could rely on beomgyu with whatever problems you had. he's your best friend either way, opening up to him was easy. he was your solution to everything.

that was until a week before beomgyu's graduation, you've noticed that his radiant aura was turning dull, his eyes slowly getting more tired by the time. despite that, he has been wearing a fake smile around his batchmates, smiling whenever he was with them, returning the same energy they were giving him. your eyes squinted at his odd behaviour, you too, could read him like a book.

"you're not actually that optimistic right?" you stated, trailing behind beomgyu. beomgyu paused in his tracks, turning to face you.

"what are you talking about yn?"

"you know what i'm talking about. if you need it, i'm here to help you." you inched closer to beomgyu.

"please, if you're hurting let me help you too. let me return that favour. isn't that what friends are for?" you gagged at your words, friends? of course. you two were just friends, nothing more.

"aren't you cute? don't worry about it yn, i'll tell you everything soon." beomgyu patted your cheeks, waving a quick goodbye to you before disappearing into his classroom. you stared at the empty spot infront of you, why isn't he telling you anything after everything? didn't he tell you that he trusted you with all his life, if not, why isn't he opening up to you?

you bit your lips, trying to suppress the tears that were about to flow out. you groaned, walking back to your class as if nothing happened, but your mind was overthinking, again.

what you failed to notice was that beomgyu was watching you from the window of his class, his heart ached seeing your pained expression. he then felt a tug on his sleeve.

"when are you going to tell her?" seungmin whispered, his eyes watching beomgyu's actions carefully.

"soon enough."

ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁

it was finally the day every senior had been dreading or anticipating. you stayed back after school to watch the ceremony, in hopes of seeing your seniors for one last time before they leave, including choi beomgyu.

you felt so proud for him, he's finally done with this hell, and now he can follow his dreams. however, you couldn't escape the feeling of emptiness, without him, what were you? ever since he started distancing himself from you, you felt horrible, you felt like shit.

before you knew it, the ceremony was over, the crowd screamed in joy, running to find their best friends in the crowd. you did the same, dashing to where beomgyu might be at. you hated running, but in order to talk to him in school one last time, you ran as fast as you could.

finally, you found him, your eyes watched as he took multiple pictures with the girls from his batch and yours. your face fell as you realise that the crowd practically engulfed him, you probably wouldn't have enough time to have a decent conversation with him.

however, your eyes met his, your body tensed up, he looked exhausted, yet he was still able to flash you a cute smile that you reciprocated. he signalled you to go towards him, telling the crowd that he needed to leave soon, and that was when you walked towards him.

"congrats on graduating." you hugged him, feeling his body slowly soften under your touch.

"lovebirds, wanna take a picture together?" seungmin shouted, his hand stretched out, asking for your phones. both you and beomgyu handed him your phones. seungmin smirked, snapping numerous shots for the two of you.

when he returned your phones, he whispered something in beomgyu's ear, causing him to blush and yell at him to shut up.

"don't mind him. come with me, i have something to tell you." beomgyu shoved his phone back into his pocket, dragging to towards a familiar direction.

the walk was comforting, you talked about everything that came to mind. beomgyu stared as you rambled, watching you as if you hung the stars in the sky, you were stunning.

"sorry, was i saying too much?" you mumbled, sitting beside beomgyu on a bench at the park where you first met. beomgyu shook his head.

"i like hearing you talk don't worry." reassuring you.

"what did you want to tell me anyways?"

"before that, take this, i want you to cherish this forever, as if your life depends on it okay?" beomgyu pulled out a ring, placing it on your pinky. your heart raced, the butterflies in your stomach turned into a whole zoo, your face felt warm.

"what for..?"

"i'm leaving daegu to pursue my dreams, i may not be able to see any of you again, so i just want you to have this as a reminder of me." beomgyu suddenly announced. your eyes widened, a lump formed in your throat, leaving your mouth dry.

"what are you saying? can't you at least keep in contact with me? that's stupid, you can't just cut everyone out of your life like that." you argued, biting back the tears that were watering your eyes.

"you're making this harder for me." beomgyu laughed, "you'll distract me from achieving what i want, my priority isn't you."

you were smacked with the hard truth, beomgyu was more determined to pursue his lifelong dream, and in order to do this, he has to let go of one of his dreams, and that dream was to be with you forever. your goals were completely different, you would only hinder his progress towards success. your eyes stung with tears, it hurts.

"gyu, you can't do this, maybe we can figure something out?" you pleaded, you couldn't live without him by your side. beomgyu wiped your tears with his thumb, making you look at him.

"you know i love you right? if you love me back, promise me that you'll let me go." beomgyu forced a smile, trying to calm you down.

"you? what? why didn't you tell me this earlier? we could have spent more time together as a couple." your voice was shaky, you wanted to leave, but you wanted to stay by his side till the end.

"yea i could have, but i guess i was too scared, so were you though." beomgyu shrugged, laughing dryly to himself. he hated this, he hated the fact that you were crying because of him, he hated that he can't do anything to stop you from crying. beomgyu watched you sobbed, his eyes beginning to sting, but he blinked the tears away.

"this is just a bad dream right?" you looked at beomgyu. beomgyu held your hand, shaking his head slowly, your eyes tearing up once more.

"sometimes love can be the most twisted curse of them all." beomgyu chuckled, looking off to the side.

"then at least curse me a little at the end." you hiccupped. beomgyu's eyes widened, softening once he made eye contact with you. he pulled you into a kiss filled with longing and desperation. you were quick to kiss him back, you didn't want this to end, you wanted him to stay by your side forever. you slowly pulled away from him, wiping off the dried up tears from your face. beomgyu took your pinky, intertwining them with his,

"i'll go now, take care of yourself for me okay? please eat well." beomgyu kissed your lips once before walking away from you. leaving you to cry by yourself on the bench, at the park where you first met, and now you've ended it at the same spot.

ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁

bonus!

beomgyu started sobbing when he walked away from you. you must have endured so much pain when he left you in the dark for so long. his first love, a love where it could have blossomed into something more than friends, crumbling down like that. he hated himself for that, he hated seeing you hurt, but you would still suffer the same fate if you stayed by his side. thus he made his decision that week prior to his graduation.

perm taglist! (send an ask to be added) @mrsyawnzzn @tinyelfperson @woncheecks @boba-beom @naveries @be-argyu @defnotleee

[em-harlsnow]

people don't get Ian like I do. People spend so much time defending Ian for all his actions, pretending as if he did no wrong and simultaneously ignoring how much Ian loves Mickey. I hate when people act like Mickey loves Ian so much more than Ian loves Mickey.

More after the line, it's pretty long:

Because I don't agree that Ian fell first and Mickey fell harder. I think they both fell at around the same time, it just hit harder for Mickey because he was so closeted. And then when he finally decides he's with Ian and that's that and it also means having his father hate him, Mickey clings to Ian. He made a decision, it's Ian, and he won't let it go.

On the surface, what mickey's done for Ian looks much bigger than what Ian did for mickey. For example, Mickey going to prison for Ian. But the reasoning behind him doing that was to save his life because Ian is not the type to do well in prison, sorry.

When it came to Mexico, some people seem to act like Ian was entirely unjustified for not going with him. In a real life relationship it would be mad to follow an escaped convict to a completely different country illegally. Ian would have had to leave his family, stability, a job he loved. He also would have put Mickey in the position of being alone in helping Ian with his bipolar disorder. Ian was stable then, and he didn't want to go off his meds or have them stop working and fuck up Mickey's chance. That could end up with Mickey dead or back in prison.

But he still wanted to spend time with Mickey before he left. I'm undecided about whether Ian always knew he wasn't going to cross the border or if he realised it half way through or just as they got there. Plenty of people wouldn't follow an escaped convict anywhere, no matter how much they love them. But Ian did, still putting his safe life at risk for Mickey. That's still a huge act of love.

Then there's Ian giving Mickey all his life savings so that Mickey would have a fighting chance down there. Why do people skip over that so much? That's selfless and kind and a real display of love.

Mickey's acts of love seem bigger, but that's often because they have to be. Mickey had to come out so that he could be happy, and unfortunately that meant getting almost killed by Terry. It was an unavoidable reality. I don't agree with Ian pushing him so much for it, but hey ho.

Ian got the shit beat out of him by Mickey right after witnessing his boyfriend getting raped, and Ian still wanted to stick around for him. The only reason he didn't in the end was because he wasn't going to be Mickey's mistress, he couldn't handle being someone's sidepiece again and especially not Mickey's sidepiece. Which is so fair from Ian. If Mickey had asked him to stay, Ian would have and I fully believe that.

Then there's season 5. Ian cheated, which is shitty for Mickey. He was also manic, and you can see in the mirror scene after Ian comes out of the bathroom that he doesn't feel too good about it. I don't personally know what mania is like, but I've seen a lot of bipolar people saying Ian was pretty accurate representation. I hate the ableist narrative that Ian's hyper sexuality meant he didn't give a shit about Mickey. He did give a shit. He looked after Mickey's son, and he looked devastated when Mickey yelled at him, when he realised how much he'd hurt Mickey.

Everything that people say about season 5 pisses me off, because Ian going with Monica instead of home is textbook 'not wanting to be someone's problem'. I don't support what Ian did at the dugouts, but I can understand it because Ian was trying to get back what he thought he'd lost, with Mickey not treating him like he was made of glass.

And the break-up. Again, textbook 'not wanting to be someone's problem'. Textbook 'I'm different now and he wants the old me'. Textbook 'I dont want to hurt him anymore'.

Then season 6 and Ian says some awful things about Mickey and has to be paid to visit. That's shitty. But the idea of seeing Mickey behind glass and not being able to see him properly would have sucked. Also, Ian broke up with the guy. He was under no obligation to visit him and he also didn't want to be his problem. He saw himself as a problem and he didn't want Mickey to have to deal with that. I think he wanted Mickey to have better. It's, again, textbook insecurity.

Ian saw the weight Monica put on his family, on Fiona and Lip and him and all the kids. He remembered the pain of Monica leaving and then coming back and he didn't want to do that to Mickey. He probably saw Frank being all fucked up over Monica going again, which must have been a part of it. (not defending either frank or monica here, just saying).

Ian shouldn't have said all the things he did about Mickey, but it was his way of coping. It would have been nice for Mickey to have had more support from Ian during his time in prison, but it wouldn't have done much. He would still be in prison, but it might have been better if he knew Ian loved him.

In season 9x06, Ian immediately kisses Mickey. There's no hesitation for him. I love fics that explore Ian being with Trevor or something when Mickey comes out of jail and having to choose between them and struggling, but I think it's a bit unrealistic. Whenever they're in each other's vicinity they can't seem to keep apart. If Mickey hadn't gone to prison after the break up, I think it would have taken them a couple of months at best to at least start fucking again. It would be complicated, but Ian would choose Mickey every time. He does, when Mickey goes off to Mexico. If Mickey had just been released instead of escaping, Trevor would be forgotten like a weird dream.

Then season 10. It's not bad that Ian wanted to leave. It was prison, for God's sake, he didn't want to be there. But the second Mickey said he wanted Ian to stay, Ian was ready to stab a guy. Ian isn't the type to stab people, but he was ready to for Mickey. I would have liked for the show to have more sweet moments between them in prison instead of just the squabbling, but we got what we got. I didn't love Ian stabbing Chester to go to solitary. Again, though, Ian was trying to stop them from breaking up. he wanted them to have some space so that they would stay together. he's shit at communicating that, but so is everyone in Shameless.

Ian welcomes Mickey back into the Gallagher house with open arms. He doesn't want to marry Mickey because, again, he doesn't want Mickey to be stuck with him, he doesn't want to be his 'problem'. He says it at the courthouse. But if it's between being scared or losing Mickey, Ian chooses being scared. Because he proposes to Mickey despite having doubts about it, and he beats up Mickey's date for talking shit.

That's the type of love Mickey understands.

Ian wanted to marry Mickey in the first place to protect him, so that he wouldn't go back to prison, again despite Ian's reservations about marriage. The courthouse scene hurts, but I understand both Ian and Mickey's perspectives, even if Mickey took it too far with the punch.

They get married, and Ian lets Mickey have anything he wants for it. Then in Season 11, Ian pushes Mickey to move to the Westside because he wants better for him. But when Mickey doesn't want to and seems upset about it, Ian doesn't care about wasting the money he spent on a lease and says he'll stay with Mickey. It's not about wanting to change Mickey, it's about wanting a nicer life.

The whole monogamy conversation makes me want to bash their heads together like Barbie dolls. I think they both didn't want to sleep with others and didn't want the other to either, but then were too anxious to say it out loud. It's plain stupidity from both of them.

Even when Ian thinks Mickey has forgotten their anniversary, he ignores his own hurt from that and comforts Mickey about the whole being a bad dad, having a kid thing.

Also: I pretend Hall of Shame after the first thirty seconds never happened, so I'm not commenting on it. The writing was so poor.

Anyway, back to my point. Ian loves mickey as much as mickey loves Ian, there were just more opportunities for Mickey to do huge gestures. And when Ian could have done huge gestures, there are logical and pretty selfless reasons why I think he didn't.

That was very long. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

[talaok]

hi!! it says in your desc that requests are open but in case thats outdated feel free to ignore!!!!

i know this may be a weird request but can you do something with joel with a reader that has scarring in their pubic area? i have a skin disorder that gives me really bad scars down there and i have Not had great experiences in the past sleeping with people because of it like it is TRAUMATIC atp to show people 😭 mostly hurt/comfort but if it makes sense to throw smut in there feel free i absolutely would not turn it down LMAOOOO

and shout out to people w scarring down there, whether from skin issues, fgm, assault, etc. etc. we up fr 😔✊

Warnings: insecurity, body image issues and smut | oral sex (f receiving)

a/n: its not a weird request at all, ive said this before, i feel incredibly honored whenever you ask me to write such personal stories, so thank you 💖

His hands were beneath your shirt, his calloused fingers caressing your skin with a gentleness that defied his rough exterior, that he only showed a few.

His mouth was on yours, his tongue twisting with your own, letting you taste him as he tasted you.

Your hands were on his face, holding it, stroaking his beard, trailing to his hair, while one of his legs parted your legs, settling between your thighs.

Your back was on the bed, the soft duvet shuffling beneath your movements, beneath your exited shivers and shudders.

It all was perfect, just perfect... until his fingers traveled lower, until they began seeping underneath your shorts.

"wait"

His eyes opened as he leaned away ever so little

"I'm sorry" he said, retracting his hand "I thought you wanted to..."

"I do" you murmured "I just-"

And there it was, the block.

The barrier, the wall you had built brick by brick over the years.

"what?" he asked, his brows knitting together in concern as he moved to your side, propping his elbow on the mattress "What is it?"

"Well I- I don't know if... you want to"

"what?" he huffed a soft laugh, "of course I want you"

"yeah now" you sighed, avoiding his eyes, 

"y/n" he called your name, urging you to look at him with two of his fingers beneath your chin "What are you talking about?"

"I just-" you bit your lip, your eyes trembling, taking in the look of him before he knew the truth, 

"Whatever it is baby, you can tell me"

And the saddest part was that you wanted to believe him, but a part of you knew, you knew how he was gonna react, you knew how it was really gonna go.

As kind and nice and perfect as he was, you got proven times and times again that there was only one way men would respond.

"I- Well I..." 

god, why was it always so hard?

"I have a skin issue" you spat out, forcing yourself to not think about it too much 

"ok..." he murmured, his eyes scanning your face in the hopes of finding out where you were going with this

"so I have...scars" you breathed "down there"

You swore you felt your heart drop as the words left your mouth, just to speed back up at full force the moment he spoke, after a brief silence.

"oh" he hummed, his eyes still fogged with confusion "and so I can't like... touch you or-"

"no no, you can-" you sighed, frustrated with yourself "but I understand if you don't... want to." you explained "I've been told before that it's not really... pretty so I totally get it if yo-"

"first of all" he shook his head, getting out of his confusional state at your words "Whoever told you that is a brainless asshole" he stated, looking you straight in the eyes "And second of all" he smiled now "darlin', you're the most beautiful, hottest woman I've ever met, I almost died when I met you" he exaggerated making you stifle a laugh

"no I'm serious." he promised, taking your hand in his "And if you think that that's gonna change because of a few scars, well then sweetheart I'm sorry but you're wrong"

And although your heart was swelling with hope, with a joy it hadn't known for a while now, your brain couldn't still be sure of what was happening

"you're saying that now" you whispered "but you haven't seen it yet"

"darlin', I promise on whatever you want, that I'm sure" A soft smile was still pulling at his lips, and his voice was warm, honest, like honey "That nothing in this world could ever change what I know, and what I know is that you're the most gorgeous woman on the planet,"

"but-"

"no, no but" he shook his head, interrupting you "You are, and the fact that you don't think so is unbelievable" his eyes were shining, glimmering with that sentiment you still hadn't confessed to each other, but that he'd been on the verge of expressing far too many times "I want you to say it. Say -I'm the most beautiful woman on the planet-"

"but I'm n-"

"ah-ah-ah" he shushed you "What did I say about the buts"

"But I'm just saying think about Jennifer Aniston or Sandra Bullock-"

"yeah exactly, they're nothing compared to you"

You couldn't help but snort at that "Oh please, you're just lying now"

"I'm most definitely not" he protested, "have you seen yourself in the mirror darlin'?"

"I have" you rolled your eyes jokingly, your lips still turned upwards into a smile

"you sure? 'cause it doesn't feel like it"

"stop" you begged

"No, I won't stop" he frowned "you're beautiful, I need you to know that." his forehead fell to yours "Whoever made you feel any differently was just an insecure stupid asshole who didn't deserve you, ok?"

And it was at this moment, that you realized just how how much you loved him.

It was as you took his words in, the truth in them, the care behind them, that you realized that he might just be the one.

"ok" you murmured, after some time, for the first time in a long time, actually believing it.

"yeah?"

"yes"

"that's my girl" he grinned, not being able to stop himself before he crashed his lips with yours, kissing you as if his life depended on it.

And with just a kiss, you were back at where you'd stopped, your belly tingling and your body desperately looking for his.

"Joel" you whispered, in between kisses "I-I want to"

His eyes opened, looking a bit taken aback "You sure? I didn't want to put any pressure on you sweetheart, I'm completely ok with just kissing if that's what you want-"

"no" you shook your head "No I want you"

The smile that spread on his face at that was enormous.

he kissed you again, just to start a slow trail of kisses down your neck, making you squirm and whimper underneath him.

He waited for your nod of approval before removing your shirt, and after having reserved time to your (as he put it) "perfect tits", he then moved on to your shorts, now waiting for a vocal permission before doing anything.

"You can take them off" you murmured, watching closely as he did, slowly slipping your shorts and then panties down your legs.

"Jesus Christ sweetheart" he breathed "you're fucking perfect"

And you could only blush and smile shily, not realizing what was happening, until his head was between your thighs, beginning a line of pecks from your navel down toward... well towards down there.

"no y-you don't have to do that"

He didn't seem to hear you, his mouth only traveling lower and lower until it was right there where you needed him the most.

"does it hurt if I touch them?"

"n-no" you stuttered

He licked his lips, his eyes not on yours, but on your pretty cunt 

"and if I kiss them?"

"I-I don't know, I don't think s-"

And just like that, he had dived in, fist slowly kissing your skin, paying no mind if it included scars or not, just to start tasting your whole pussy, licking and sucking all he could find like a starved animal.

His grip on your waist was relentless, probably leaving bruises behind, but all you could do was lose yourself in the feeling as you moaned and arched your back from the bed.

he continued his work for a while, prolonging the experience as long as possible, before he decided to bring it home, and started focusing on your clit, sucking and licking your bud desperately.

And in a matter of seconds, you had fallen apart, moaning his name loud enough for his neighbors to hear.

"wow" you breathed, your chest rising and falling way too quickly as made his way back up again "That was... wow" you murmured, ghosting his lips

"I just wanted to prove to you how beautiful you are" he smiled, kissing you softly "All of you"

[megabuild]

bit of a ramble below! tl:dr; i have insane person problems and realised that this blog isn't healthy for me so won't be coming back until i'm in a better place, i have no intent on deleting it but may password protect it in the coming days for my own peace of mind :P love yall!

the absolute basics on my situation is that i almost certainly have OCD, have been vocal about this likelihood in the past, and while i was aware i was susceptible to obsessions and compulsions irt online interactions and my posts on here i was not actually aware of how debilitating the effect this was having on my life was until i went completely cold turkey and blocked tumblr from all my devices. like genuinely night and day. i have so much more free time when i'm not spending it constantly name searching on every platform available and scrolling through my blog over and over to be sure that i didn't post a slur by accident lol. i'd rather not get into some of the stupider details of shit ive done in the name of perceived moral purity because that's nobody's business but trust me when i say it was like a weight got lifted off my fucking shoulders lol like i was having regular delusions about making a post so bad grian himself would say i should kill myself on stream and believing it was possible 😭 really good disorder guys i love having this

i have a lot to say about the way this community treats each other, both good and bad, but i think i'd rather hold off and make more informed and thought out posts on that when i'm not still reeling from all the bullshit life's been throwing at me. i do love and value this community so much, especially all the mutuals and friends i've made here. i've also been made extremely uncomfortable in the past by the easiness that people slip into very strange relationships not just with CCs but with their fellow bloggers. including me ! and i am a relatively small blogger in the vast scheme of things. this is no hate to anyone who's sent an anon or whatever, many of you are lovely people, but it's also like, well i have been literally stalked on this blog before so i feel i have justification for being a tad uncomfortable . again, a lot to be said on the celebritification of average people and the obsession on making sure one makes "Objectively Correct" choices when doing something as simple as watching a minecraft series and having opinions on it .. but alas, no brain for it right now, and also i would rather not risk the ire of twitter teenager #48 lest i be qrted by thumbnail artists telling me to lighten up and accept the steady decay of all that is good in this sphere in order to make room for more #Content. Sit down and eat your yaoibait you stupid faggot! sorry this is a serious post ignore that part

to any of my beloved oomfies you are free to message and ask for my discord though i am also being a bit difficult to reach over there rn my bad (and i may not get back to you quickly because as soon I post this I am logging straight the fuck back out).. i have made a separate tumblr account from this one which is less social media and more a little archive of images and art i like (and also is not related to mcyt at all, outside of maybe one or two art reblogs if i see something that really catches my eye) so if we've hung out and you don't exclusively post mcyt you might see me around in your notifs but i'd prefer not to be linked back here. any projects, fics, other blogs etc. i have been working on consider on pause for eternity, with the only exclusions being 3rd life miraheze (which i'm currently looking into options for but will certainly never go away! much love still to all our contributors who have worked tirelessly through wild life to update our various spreadsheets and tables) and aoyuer which i'm sort of picking up and taking away and hitting with hammers until it's sufficiently divided from mcyt and i can call it an oc story for real. peep my toyhouse if ye are so inclined and wont tell the adoptbrained callout squads over there that my oc once upon a time was lowkey rpf.

anyway this has already gotten far too long as i'm a chronic yapper and overexplainer but thank you very much for hanging out with me and talking about these stupid ass blocks. i have a handful of posts in the queue i wont be getting rid of and don't doubt i will come back to chat more shit in future but at the end of the day i'm here to have a fun time on the computer and i just was not having that anymore. i was having a scary and fucked up time on the computer, and life is too short to put yourself through that out of some butchered sense of responsibility to the niche follower base you've cultivated. if you also have ocd delete your blog as soon as it hits 1k like actually. if you worked in the askbox mines and are now facing redundancy then go follow my enemy thecoolerliauditore. or dont im not your boss anymore. im too busy homebrewing my 3ds. smooches mwahs !!!!!!!!!

[5a-alf]

I have been obsessing over this perfect court!AU and have literally like one irl friend to talk about it with. So.

The thing about Riko is that he never ever ever could have been anything different. He has at least one but probably two personality disorders (narcisism and antisocial i'd argue), which are the result of the abuse he endured. From a young age he was only an object, a spare, or the embodiment of an idea.

Others are redeemable because they are people, but he never really was a person in his own right. So he got worse and worse and worse, and we all know what he did.

I wanted a story where he could have something different, for i feel there is no universe in which he ends in a different way: everything he has is a childish dream, and that would have failed at some point anyway. And with failure comes death. I think his brother would have killed him even without the whole clusterfuck of the last game, just because without Kengo the main line was now only one adult and the 'branch' one was 2, which is one too many. Between Riko and Testuji, killing Riko made the most sense because Testuji had no interest in power, he just liked his dolls; also he was already an expert at his job, while Riko would have to learn/train to fill that role. And obviously age is also a factor, Riko is young, Testuji is middle-aged: for ichirou, a young man, the second is less threatening.

I could go on for hours guys im not even joking

For him to have a different future, he is not even the only thing that needs to change. If he was a good person, he'd have been dead earlier. If he was an okay person too. Maybe as morally gray he'd have the same exact life with a little less enemies.

What needs to change with him is the people he has around, his safety net. He has zero people on his side in canon (And he shouldn't have them, mind, he's horrid. But still, out of every bad person in aftg he is the only one who no one loves), he only has followers and pawns. So for an AU to work, he would need to change in a way that would affect the people he surrounds himself with enough to once again reach the show down with Ichirou and "win" against Testuji.

To do that, i think he needs Neil on his side. Kevin is great dont get me wrong, but he doesnt get it the way neil does. Neil gets the mafia, its way of thinking, its deals and the way power moves. Neil know how to be vicious and how to read people and how to push just enough.

To have a 'good' relationship with neil something needs to go differently during the selling, so that his mom doesnt run away with him. But he'd also need to have a good relationship with kevin first. For him to have a different relationship woth kevin i dont think he'd necessarily need to be better morally, he'd just need to be a better manipulator. In canon he controls people with fear/violence/money, but the best way to control people is actually through love/favors. To train a dog, you better give it treats than beat it. I think this way they would end up with a better relationship but also, the better relationship would in turn make him a better person, and the two things would continue to feed each other.

Neil comes in now. He is 10, Riko and Kevin are 12. The thing with Neil (aside from all i've already said) is that Riko would quite literally own him at this point, the same way he then owns Jean. The main difference between the two situations i think would be 1) their personalities 2) their age. At 16 (Jean 14) Riko is already off the deep end. Waay too deep. But at 12? Different story.

For the first point, mostly i'd say that Neil grew up in an abusive household like jean did, but he knew his father as the butcher, as a mafioso, and he was taught how to use knives ecc as a kid. He knew the drill, he knew the life. Jean was completely uprooted, brought into a different country, told to play a game i dont think he knew anything about. Much more jarring. Neil already loved Exy, he wanted to play it all the time; the sport itself would be a good motivator for good behaviour. Jean was just angry angry angry (fair.) and alone in a different country. So. Not the same. I think Raven!Neil would be the one person on the team not afraid to tell Riko off, but also not afraid of his violence (much more restricted in this au guys), and riko is also not scared of Neil's violence (a bit more than in canon, he grew at castle evermore; he is nathaniel) so they find solace in each other. He'd know when to listen and when to mouth off [Riko saying "nathaniel" vs "neil" and things like that]

Second point is their age, because at 12 riko is more susceptible to change than he is at 16, so building a rapport with neil would prove more beneficial, for all i've said in point one.

Jean would be a harder case. Bringing him to heel is much more complicated, because riko doesnt have anything to leverage against him nor offer him, the guy has nothing to lose anymore and now is not enough of a person to desire anything (well. Anything obtainable. He'd like to be free for sure). I think again a lot of the work would be done by neil (and kevin too obv, but neil mostly, as his partner) because they are the same age, play the same role, are partners. Neil would be a centainty. And this better riko wouldnt be violent to destroy his spirit, he'd be "forgiving" (when useful) and bandage his wounds when the Master beats him, and be generally kind to a kid who is so starved for kindness he'd kill himself to at least get the touch of death. That + group mentality and i think jean would be on board too.

Andrew also factors in all of this, but i'll go on later this has gotten SO LONG and i wont even reread it gosh i hope it makes sense.

Basically this whole thing ends up in: take the insanity that is andreil as a couple but that somehow is the sanest couple out there but extend it to the perfect court 5.

[many-but-one]

So, our system spent a looooong fucking time trying to reblog a post by someone that goes by @system-junk-spam but after typing it out it became unrebloggable, and then upon restarting the app we found that either they spontaneously deleted their blog or they somehow blocked us while we were typing something up, despite us having never interacted with them before. That, or tumblr mobile just straight up sucks. Highly probable.

Anyway, we worked really hard on the post and still want to share our thoughts, so we’re gonna put them here. We may get eaten alive for this take, but we’ve learned to not care what others think of us. We are allowed to believe things differently than our followers do and that’s okay. Hate will not be tolerated on this post. If I see it, you are blocked.

This is our theories on how endogenic plurality can possibly exist. We’ve talked about this before but not in great detail. We are literally just gonna copy-paste our response because oh my god it took so long to type out and then transfer to our notes app because the tumblr app was messing up. To TLDR the OP’s post, they were asking for genuine examples of endogenic plurality that wasn’t just someone actually having a CDD and thinking they are endo.

—

So, for starters, I used to be anti-endo. Kind of a dick about it to be honest, but not overly hateful towards endos. I have a post explaining that situation, where I also came forward with explaining that when I was a teen I thought I was an endo because I didn't have trauma—except I did, I just didn't know it yet. I also used to do roleplay—though not as a system, for the record. I just had characters I made that I later realized were heavily based on real alters in my brain and it was that alter's way of expressing themselves before they could be known by the host part at the time. So to say I understand where you are coming from, I understand where you are coming from. I have been that person. I went hard anti-endo at first, but slowly as I've begun healing and deciding "I don't really care what people do in their lives and it's not up to me to police that" I have become what I consider "syscourse neutral" but "fine with endos, I just don't interact with the community much because I'm not endo." Mainly with the feeling of "live and let live" and "they're people deserving of respect too" driving that stance.

I start with all of that preamble because at the end of the day, whether endos "really exist" or not just…doesn't matter. They're not actually taking our resources, they're not seeking out DID specialists because most of them know they don't have DID, and the whole narrative of them "making a mockery of the disorder" is pandering to fake claimers, who are the ones who point and laugh at the disorder whether you are endo or not. Endos are not the enemies of DID systems here, fake claimers are. And whether endos exist or not, fake claimers will still fake claim people with DID no matter what.

If you make this post with the concern that people who say they are endo may actually have a CDD and that can be damaging to their healing long term (it was for me personally) or they may take longer to realize they have a CDD (happened to me), the thing is, they will eventually discover that they have a CDD if that's what they really have. You have all of these examples of people realizing they actually had a CDD because those people eventually realized that's what they had. No matter what, at some point in someone's life, if they have a CDD and the right support, they will eventually realize they have a CDD—even if they initially think they are endogenic.

To go on a personal tangent, it was actually a very good thing that I thought I was endo for so long and got completely alienated from the entire CDD community because if I had discovered I had a CDD at the time, that could have had catastrophic consequences to my safety. When I finally started questioning the system thing again my first year of college, I not only nearly ended my life multiple times (other parts attempting), but I also ended up returning to my abusers and getting hurt again (callback programming, l'm a RAMCOA system). If I had discovered that as a teen? It could have been much worse than it was when I was an adult. I could have been retrafficked if I went back, rather than just reprogrammed and sent on my way, because I was still young enough to be “good product” as a teen, but as an adult they weren’t interested in my “service” anymore, they were more interested in making sure I remained programmed so I wouldn’t report them and they wouldn’t get in trouble. (Joke’s on them, I’m reporting them to the FBI. Suckers.)

My system finally allowed itself to be discovered in my final year of college because I was a mere month away from moving out with my then-fiancée at the time, who we believed could keep us safe should we display harmful behaviors. And we were right, even if she did end up being an abusive POS later. However, I still found out I was a CDD system and did get the help I needed. And even if the situation is not quite as dire for others, if someone who has a CDD believes they are endo, chances are, the system wants that for the time being. And who are we to try to disprove that endos exist just so people will be more accepting of themselves having a CDD? You said it yourself, that people knowing before they are ready can be damaging, so it's really not such a big deal whether or not endos are "real" if that's a way for a system to exist without having to hide while also still kind of "hiding" in a way.

HOWEVER! Now that I have become more open to the concept of endogenic plurality, I have put a lot of thought into "what if it really does exist? How would that happen??" Because gosh, how brains work is exceptionally cool, and if there is a way for endos to be real, that's pretty fucking neat.

So, for the record, I am not endo and I am not fully in their circles nor do I know much about origins whatsoever, so if anyone wants to chime in their thoughts or correct me on something, please do! For this next part, I'm calling endo alters/headmates "parts" just to keep the vocab streamlined and succinct.

Some common themes I notice in endos (for the most part):

They have basically no amnesia between parts

Some can create parts at-will, while others feel like they can't just create parts at will, but their parts just kind of exist

They usually can switch at-will or control switching to some degree or even completely

Some folks usually have some kind of trauma, but that's not saying much because all humans have trauma to some degree or another. Something I've noticed, though, is that this trauma is usually not in early childhood, but in later childhood, teen years, or adult years. (Please know this is not indicative of everyone, just what l've noticed in endos l've spoken to, don't come at me if your situation looks different please!)

All of these aspects come into play for my “theories” on how endogenic plurality can exist. For the record, my “theories” are more like…my own ponderings on the subject rather than something that should be taken as fact. Only endos can decide how they exist, not me.

So initially, my main theory with endos (which l've spoken about once, a while ago) is that it is "IFS on steroids."

IFS functions with the belief that all people have parts, and that to create cohesion in everyday life means finding ways to communicate between these parts and reach healing conclusions between them. Kinda like DID treatment except these parts don't have the "becoming autonomous and elaborating" part of DID. This is often seen in therapy related to addressing your "inner child" or "inner teen" but this can also apply to "the part of me that hates my dad" and "the part of me that wants him to love me." Remember, this is a singlet we are talking about, here! Singlets can also have conflicting and contradictory feelings about their family members. Having a "conversation" between these two parts might look like one of them stating all the reasons why it's better to cut him off because he always causes harm, while the other side may explain all the reasons why they want to keep him around. Weighing these "pros and cons" in this sort of scripted conversation between these two "parts" can help singlets come to an agreement between these two contradictory feelings and find a solution that is best for that singlet "as a whole."

However, what if someone who has parts of self like any singlet does finds a different way to converse with their parts? Or maybe not just converse, but imagine them? Consider that their "responsible self who is good at keeping on track" is the self that they kind of "dial into" at school or work, so that they stay on task—so then later, the part of themselves that prefers to goof off and have fun can have more time to do that. (These may be labeled as a “school/work self” and “home self” by singlets)

Maybe that responsible side of themselves feels like a guy whose name is probably like, Richard. And he's a boring, middle aged, office worker looking dude. And that fun and goofy version of themselves that would rather ignore homework feels like a teen named something funky like Rainbow. Well, the side of themselves that's responsible (Richard) is probably gonna get into a lot of arguments with the fun-loving side of themselves (Rainbow), which can look and feel like an internal debate or struggle of "well I can totally skip this assignment because I have a good grade and my show's season just dropped and I don't wanna fall behind while my friends are caught up" being answered with "um, no, if I don't stay on top of things, I'm gonna fall behind on my schoolwork, which is WAY more important than my show"

See how that can feel a bit like CDD but not actually be a CDD?

These endogenic IFS parts of self might even become slightly more autonomous (or seem slightly more autonomous) than a normal singlet's IFS parts over time, especially if having these internal conversations are a major coping skill during stressful times. These "stressful times" can literally just be "being a teenager" because holy shit being a teenager is stressful!! Does this mean every teen who is an endo in this sort of “IFS way” will grow out of it? No! If this is a positive coping mechanism that doesn't cause harm, they may still have these parts of self well into adulthood or even their whole life. Because guess what? Being an adult is also stressful as hell. It would make sense that these parts would follow them into adulthood.

They may even have traumas they have to address in therapy that these parts of self can help them address. This doesn't mean that trauma is held within a singular part to keep the others safe from the knowledge of said trauma like a CDD system, (even if that trauma is repressed—because even people who are traumatized as adults and non-systems can have repressed trauma) because most likely, all parts of self in this IFS situation are probably either totally aware (if it is not repressed) or totally unaware (if the trauma is repressed) and when it comes time to address said traumas, the parts (while maybe not quite as fully autonomous with completely separate experiences and memories like a CDD system) can still likely be quite elaborate and be very helpful when processing these traumas or negative experiences. Brains are cool! Brains are weird! They do weird stuff to cope with shit! I totally think it's plausible for someone's IFS parts to elaborate to some degree if it helps that person cope with life, even if they don't realize it's IFS or a singlet's version of plurality at all.

Does this mean they would technically be a singlet since they don't have a “genuinely” fragmented consciousness? Maybe?? Who are we to say, you know? If they feel like they are plural even if their consciousness is not fragmented in the same way a CDD system's would be, why not let them say they are plural? They are experiencing some kind of plurality, just completely differently than someone with a CDD-related fragmented consciousness would. Which is kinda neat, if you ask me.

I recently saw a tiktoker who explained they were misdiagnosed with DID, that they'd been re-evaluated by MULTIPLE CDD specialists and been told they do not have DID, but they have some kind of parts influenced by them being schizoaffective. They genuinely have parts of self that feel like they kind of "step in" to handle certain things, with names and appearances to boot, AND this person is very dissociative based on their scores on dissociative scales— which is why they were misdiagnosed by a trauma specialist (not a CDD specialist) in the first place. Their parts are coping skills based on their delusions. Does that make their parts any less real to that person? No, they still exist and they have for a long time, but they are not dissociative parts like in DID. They have some kind of parts that get them through daily life even though they do not have a dissociative disorder. How cool is that!!! They don't cause harm, so they're not something that has to be done away with or anything. This person can just BE schizoaffective with parts. And the therapists are cool with it. Go figure.

I haven’t even gotten to the part where someone with BPD can have schema modes that are kinda like parts. Not to mention that just because people with CPTSD and PTSD may not have fully autonomous ANPs and EPs like people with CDDs do doesn't mean that the person with BPD/CPTSD/PTSD may not try to “purposely” (or accidentally) semi-elaborate those parts by assigning names or identities to help them cope.

For example, if someone has an explosion of anger due to a trigger and that non-autonomous EP is responsible for it, they may associate that non-autonomous EP's anger with someone like, I dunno, Bakugo from MHA. (I know nothing about this anime I just know this is an angry guy don't come for me please lol) So every time this person gets triggered into an anger spiral, they may assign that behavior to a version of themselves that gets really angry like Bakugo, even though it's really just the ANP being influenced by the emotions of the non-autonomous EP. “Bakugo" may never “truly” be autonomous like an EP in a CDD system would be, but that person who has CPTSD or PTSD may feel like they "become Bakugo" every time they get triggered and angry because of that non-autonomous EP's influence. Eventually, the ANP may learn how to communicate with that non-autonomous EP Bakugo and learn coping strategies for “his” anger and process the traumas that caused that emotional response, which can actually help that person heal in the long run. I think non-CDD parts can totally be a helpful coping mechanism for trauma healing. Consider how much easier it is to be kind to someone else rather than yourself. A lot of trauma survivors are incredibly hard on themselves, but may do a 180 for their friends and uplift them when they are struggling with the same thing. If someone with C/PTSD finds it easier to communicate and encourage healing to “Bakugo” rather than themselves and it ends in them healing in the long run, I’d call that a net win.

Like sure, you can say "but they're not actually endo, they just have CPTSD" but like…if they don't have a fragmented consciousness but they feel like they "become Bakugo" every time that angry non-autonomous EP is triggered, wouldn't that kinda mean that they don't have CDD alters but still experience SOME form of plurality? They may have an extremely anxious non-autonomous EP that is like a different blorbo from their shows, or they might name a non-autonomous super depressed EP after Sadness from Inside Out. While they aren't experiencing CDD plurality, one cannot really argue that they aren't experiencing some kind of plurality, right?

And gosh, what about the folks who genuinely don't have serious enough trauma to have PTSD or CPTSD and aren't really needing the IFS parts to cope, but created their parts just because? Why not? Especially if they aren't trying to demedicalize DID a la Astrea's Web or purposely trying to throw vitriol into the community, what is the harm in it? I already mentioned that they really aren't making a mockery of the disorder, fake claimers are. So what’s the big deal, really?

Why can't we as traumagenic systems just let endos exist without concrete proof? From what l've gathered, there have been studies on non-traumagenic plurality (I believe @sysmedsaresexist has shared these studies before but I may be mistaken...sorry for the tag, SAS) so clearly scientists have noticed this is a thing that happens.

Aren't you, as a traumagenic system, fucking sick of fake claimers CONSTANTLY questioning your existence, your reality? Don't you think endos probably feel the same way towards us? Like yeah, we have a lot of scientific proof we exist, but fake claimers will straight up ignore that shit and say the scientists are wrong. Why are we doing literally the same shit? Like come on, put yourself in their shoes! Let them exist whether there's a bazillion studies on them or not! As long as they aren't trying to cause active harm to others or the community (most endos just wanna exist in peace without being constantly fake claimed and harassed, for the record—just like us traumagenic systems!), just let them be! Live and let live. We cannot dictate how they experience their life, whether it's real or not. (I personally think it is, it's just not the same as a CDD—our experiences with plurality are inherently different as a traumatized system of parts.)

I hope my very long ramble was of help to you and others?

Since opening up to the possibility of endos being real and not being so stressed about whether it is or not, l've just been a much happier person overall—not to mention have a much greater appreciation for how cool the brain is and what we as people do to cope with shit. Plurality as a whole is really fucking cool from a scientific perspective. I think being more open-minded and accepting in general will also just make you feel better as a person. We don't need to be asking all these questions, we can just let it be! It's way less stressful, tbh.

[smehur]

More Harry/Draco fics I loved

I'm reading so much fic, I don't have time to read the actual books! And my Read Later list still keeps growing! Thank you, Drarry Tumblr, for feeding me so well. Here's a little something in return.

In the order of reading them:

Bitter Honey, Green Night by Faith Wood

An inn, an Auror, a criminal, a mystery.

I loved this story for the seduction, and the tension, and one of the most exquisite, most intimate sex scenes I've ever encountered. Even weeks after reading, it still lingers in my mind and I can envision it with almost painful clarity. I admit I wished the story went on: although the main conflict got a satisfying resolution, there could've been a bit more closure (read: another sex scene). Not a critique, mind you--if I were in the author's shoes, I'd have probably stopped there too--just the longings of an insatiable fan.

i was having visions of sugared pastry (cooked up in clarified butter) by infectiousdisease, solifuge

Draco Malfoy doesn't remember a time before his eating disorder. Not that he'd call it that.

This one gutted me in all the right ways. Draco with an eating disorder passed on from Narcissa clicked for me with frightening ease. It just rings so true? The unflinching depictions of his mental and physical illness, of his relations with his dysfunctional family and the bullying he inflicted on others made my stomach clench--and I loved it. I also loved how the horrors of the war were communicated as subtext, reflected in Draco's war against himself, rather than explicitly, to great effect. I loved the soft things too: Draco's relationship with Harry developing between the lines, the cathartic trial scene and the well-earned beginnings of recovery, all written in brisk, efficient prose that cuts to the marrow. An absolute gem of a fic.

Tea and No Sympathy by who_la_hoop

It's Potter's fault, of course, that Draco finds himself trapped in the same twenty-four-hour period, repeating itself over and over again. It's been nearly a year since the unpleasant business at Hogwarts, and Draco's getting on with his life quite nicely, thank you, until Harry sodding Potter steps in and ruins it all, just like always. At first, though, the time loop seems liberating. For the first time in his life, he can do anything, say anything, be anything, without consequence. But the more Draco repeats the day, the more he realises the uncomfortable truth: he's falling head over heels for the speccy git. And suddenly, the time loop feels like a trap. For how can he ever get Harry to love him back when time is, quite literally, against him?

Easily one of the loveliest stories I've read in this fandom so far. Draco is such an unmitigated darling; I rooted for him deeply, while fearing at the same time that he'd fuck things up irreparably, lol. And Harry, dear, pure, clueless Harry, with his long-time crush that's teased but never fully elaborated. There's also a little owl, heart-warming moments between Draco and his parents, his unrelenting focus on clothes and a scene where he goes jogging in a Muggle park wearing robes (and little else).

All that said, the end left me feeling weirdly cheated. (Spoiler alert!) Harry says it himself: it's not fair that Draco had their first kiss without him. Was Draco's exploration of the timeloop selfish, or just inconsiderate, or entirely justified? What would Harry have done in his shoes? Not gonna lie: I kept mulling over this for days.

Mortal Frame by tackytiger

Draco’s on a mission, and this time it's personal. But it's not easy to track down something that no one wants to talk about, especially when Harry Potter keeps popping up everywhere Draco goes. Though at least he’s on Draco’s side this time, and if he happens to be useful, and kind, and great in bed—well, Draco’s not exactly complaining. The story of three pubs, one Horcrux, four overpriced sandwiches, and two damaged men just trying to make sure that Bellatrix Lestrange stays dead.

Oh, this was such a treat. Mysterious, atmospheric and reticent in just the perfect measure, it had me wide-eyed and heart-aching and mouth-watering. Most of my reading is about Harry and Draco getting together, and I'm always surprised when stories where they're already a couple (of one sort or another) manage to evoke in me such deep longing. If you haven't already, go read this now.

À Bon Chat by oknowkiss

Draco Malfoy didn’t intend to lead a life of crime after the war. It’s just that being good had turned out so incomprehensibly boring. Now he's thirty-five, a fully redeemed member of society, the darling of the wizarding social pages, and a newly minted consultant for Gawain Robards' Investigative Research division. In his spare time, he enjoys good whisky, casual sex, and moonlighting as an art thief. His biggest score yet is fast approaching and he's got everything planned down to the minute. Everything, that is, until the unexpected appearance of a newly-divorced Harry Potter. Now that Potter's in the picture, Draco's no longer certain if he's the pursuer or the prize.

Omg, this fic. I don't even know where to start with the praise. It is so well-written, and so well-researched, and it offers such insight, not only into our beloved characters, but into human nature in general. I still can't decide whether I entirely bought the ending or not. But that didn't lessen my enjoyment of the story; it even contributed to it by making me engage with it on a deeper level. I remain astonished and humbled.

Tagging the authors I managed to find on here: @faith2wood, @oknowkiss, @tackytigerfic. Thank you for enriching my life! 💚

[limoki]

I said this on my twitter to bum-fuck no one but it's something I still feel so.

BPD (particularly Borderline Personality Disorder) has this really annoying consensus to it where "These people will find issues with finding and developing meaningful and healthy relationships" and most people will usually instead word it as:

"These people will never find a good friendship or Relationship."

or, even more annoying:

"Most abuser's have BPD."

And these are, by far, one of the most annoying, most harmful fucking things I've ever seen again, and again, and again.

Since this isn't twitter, I can actually voice my opinion on this without a stupid fucking word count limiting me. So! I have a lot to say.

I have BPD (again, Borderline). I am fucking paranoid if I'm abusing someone. I worry that I'm secretly not enough and that I'm going to be abandoned. I have sudden outbursts of highly positive emotions and also deeply negative ones. It's about as controllable as playing pool on a rocking sea ship. It's not that it's impossible. Just that I have to put way, WAY more work in to be considered what is the normal amount of an emotion to feel.

(I know that describing it like this is a loaded way to do so, but I don't want to get into what is considered normal by people who very obviously hate anything out of the norm.)

The way everyone talks about it, too. Fucking makes me livid.

This, got thrusted upon me yesterday. It really bothered me because:

ah, okay. Either all my girlfriends are just built different (good.)

OR

2. This person is genuinely being awful to his ex because they had BPD and don't know

And you fucking know what? Judging by what I was already figuring out (thanks to my one of my most wonderous girlfriend). It was probably, most likely 2.

I really fucking hate how BPD has become this fucking. Modifier that suddenly makes people hard to date. You gotta be patient, you gotta be gentle. The disorder is something, like all mental disorders, caused by trauma.

If you genuinely think this, ask yourself. Would someone with just depression be too much to date? How about someone with a disability? How about someone who is neurodivergent?

It'd be pretty fucked up to say "Yeah I don't wanna date someone with a wheelchair because they would be too much to help deal with their every day needs." So how is BPD any different.

I just want BPD to be treated like any other traumatic disorder, please. It can't be that hard to see it like this.

[anthracite-writes]

Heyyy :) I was just wondering on expanding a bit on the Popular MC thing 👀 I was mainly wondering how the brother would react to MC who was finally burnt out socializing with all the demons wanting their attention and the boys just find MC in their room wanting alone time with each of the brothers 🥺

Obey Me! Brothers X Popular Socially Burnt Out! GN! MC

[Separate] Demon brothers x gn! reader || SFW || TW//CW: LOTTA angst <3, self-isolation, all time low/at the point of being unable to take care of oneself, hints at eating disorders (anorexia) in Beel's part. A//N: for context - check out this imagine :) - Summary: You've already reached the bottom of your social battery from your popularity and this doesn't go unnoticed by the demon brothers. After days of shutting yourself in your room and avoiding everyone and everything, you finally go to them - seeking comfort from your burn out.

NOT PROOF READ!! APOLOGIES FOR ANY TYPOS OR SPELLING ERRORS!

Also, apologies for getting this out hella late - I haven't check out my inbox since the last request I've put up. If you did put in a request, I'm working on them - school just got me swamped out of my mind.

𝗟𝘂𝗰𝗶𝗳𝗲𝗿

Would notice immediately notice your personality and normal behaviour is off

Will notice that you're setting yourself aside from students in RAD, eating alone both at home and RAD, locking yourself in your room once you get back to HoL and staying in there for hours on end.

Would catch you when you're out late in the night when you think everyone was asleep.

Brings you meals when you don't join them for meal times in the House of Lamentation.

Doesn't question why you're acting this way. He already knows, [he's got a sixth sense when it comes to you - source? Trust me on this]

Keeps his bedroom and study doors open for you, just in case if you want to talk to him

He's not the type to force you to talk to him about you're social exhaustion, he'll wait for you to talk about it to him on your own time.

Would welcome you with open arms into his bedroom/study whenever you need someone - doesn't matter what time it is, he would keep you company.

More often than not, he would stop by your room on his rounds to make sure everyone is where they're supposed to be that they're no where else - making sure you're asleep and all and that you're not up late and whatnot.

"Oh? [Y/N]... you're still awake..." He says, noticing you're awake in your bed. Lucifer makes his way towards your bed and sit on the edge beside you. The demon pulls you into his arms, holding you close to his body, his hand on the back of your head and the other on your back. All Lucifer wants you to know is that he's here for you. "All this attention must be be tiring..." he would coos in a soft tone. "From now on... if you need someone to be with you, it should be me... only, me."

𝗠𝗮𝗺𝗺𝗼𝗻

Wouldn't notice till later.

He's still a bit pouty about all the attention that you're getting that

When he notices you've become withdrawn in school, often opting to be alone - that's when he gets worried about your well being.

Sure, he's greedy for your attention but it's important to him that his human is okay.

He is your first pact, remember?

When your alone, he'd often go join you.

He doesn't care if you don't want to talk - he just want to keep you company [Though he would point out some random stuff in your surroundings to try to make you laugh.]

Probably would start getting a bit childish and pouty when he sees your not reacting to anything he's saying.

He really just want to see you smile again - that's all he wants at this point.

Would be the type to try to encourage you to talk about your feelings.

Willing to help you in anyway he can.

If you do tell him what's going on with you and the whole point of being burned out, he starts to tone down his urges to try to get you out.

Cuddle time? anytime, anywhere. Even if you don't ask for it.

Bro's slinking into your bed for cuddles.

He doesn't want you to feel alone during your down time.

Holds you close from behind, spooning you as he talks about whatever to fill the silence.

"Y/N... I know... you don't have to take in everyone's attention..." He mumbles against your head as you two lay in his bed cuddling. "Who needs randos being around you all the time, trying to impress you?" Mammon chuckles, giving you a little squeeze. He gently runs his fingers through your hair, playing with it. "I can give you all the attention you'd ever need, and I know for a fact you won't get fed up like you did with them. They drain you, I on the other hand - oh, I'll make sure you never get like this again." "Just keep you're eyes on me from now on, 'kay? And I'll give you all my attention."

𝗟𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗮𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗻

Wouldn't notice at all, he's shut into his room - remember?

But when he notices you've been even more hauled up in you bedroom than him.

Starts worrying even he notices you're not even showing up to any of the classes.

You're not supposed to be the shut-in, that's his job!

You're supposed to be his Player 2 in school, his emotional support.

Starts blowing up your text messages till you respond.

When you do respond and explain to him what's been going on with you, he gets it right away.

He knows how it feels, socializing is overwhelming for him so he can't even imagine what it feels like being in the spotlight

Would set up a private chatroom for the two of you to interact one on one while you recharge your social batteries so you don't feel overwhelmed with fact to face interaction.

Would have movie nights over calls, talks to you over chats and VCs, etc etc.

Love seeing you become more lively over the chats and VCs .

Makes sure to drop off food at your room when he's out of his room - he knows what it's like to forget to eat or drink, and doesn't want your state to worsen physically with malnourishment.

Lets you vent out your frustrations and all - you've done it so much for him, it's time for him to be a good bestie.

Often would try to relate to you by bringing up his experience without trying to make it all about him.

Just tries his best to comfort you even though he's not the best [gold star for Levi for trying]

"I'm glad you told me, Y/N... I was getting a bit worried you've forgotten about me and I'm back to level zero friend-wise. That it was just Henry and I again..." The demon rambled, earning a soft laugh on your end of the voice call and Leviathan responding with his usual whines when he feels flusted. "But anyway... I'm glad we cleared up the misunderstanding between us. I'm just surprised is all, you of all people getting burnt out? I though I was the one with poor social skills and a shut in." "But seriously... I understand how you feel. And... um.. erm..." His voice trails off as he mumbles under his breath. "...and I'm happy I get to help you this time... you've done a lot and I want to do the same for you..."

𝗦𝗮𝘁𝗮𝗻

He has a keen eye, he will notice in a heartbeat.

When you start excusing yourself and walking back to the HoL alone, that's when he decides to take things into his own hands.

VERY confrontational - won't hesitate to even break down your door if you decide to shut yourself in for a couple hours.

Is passively aggressively trying to get you to tell him what's the matter and why you're acting in such a way that is the polar opposite of how you act usually.

Once he figures out that you're burned out - he gets right into action trying to make you feel better.

You're the only person who he can tolerate, but he will not tolerate this burnout slump.

Is more calm in his methods of trying to help you recharge from said burnout slump.

Would often drag you out of the house to go cat watching with him, thinking it would have the same effect on you as on him when he's stressed and whatnot.

Once he connects the dots that maybe his methods aren't working seeing you aren't improving, he's trying other methods he read about.

Would bring you tea and books he thinks you'll enjoy.

Let's you snuggle up with him under the covers as he reads to you.

Stays with you when you eventually fall asleep, hugging you as he rubs your back or strokes your hair to comfort you - letting you know he's still there as your rest.

Satan looks over at you from the pages of the book he was reading too you, seeing you've fallen asleep against him. He lets out a soft sigh and puts aside the book before laying you down on the bed in a more comfortable position, laying down next to you as watching you sleep. "You must be tired, Y/N..." he muttered softly to himself, reaching out and gently stroking your hair in a caring manner. He scoots closer to you as he pulls the covers over the two of you, tucking you two in before wrapping his arms around you in your slumber - pressing you against his body to insure you feel his warmth. "Rest easy, Y/N... I'm not leaving..."

𝗔𝘀𝗺𝗼𝗱𝗲𝘂𝘀

Notice but brushes it off at first but starts worrying when he notices you're refusing his invites out.

When you completely start acting out of it (not even wanting to go out with him and him alone), he's gonna lose it.

He does care for you, and WILL go full on panic mode.

He's checking your temperature, begging you to go see a doctor to check if it was some kind of illness.

Worse case, his mind would wander off to the thought that you're finally sick of him and being around him all the time.

Just sit him down before he starts making up fake scenarios where you ended your friendship with him and explain your social burnout

"...Ohhhhhh - then why didn't you start off with that, hon? You got me all worked up for nothing. Come, you need some R & R. Just the two of us, 'kay?"

Two of you have a complete spa and self-care day, and boy does Asmo go all out.

Face masks, skin care, long soaking in the bath with the best of the best products, doing each other's nails, online shopping sprees etc. etc.

Would give you the juiciest of drama while you are social checked out to cheer you up.

If that isn't your cup of tea, he's more than happy to listen to you with your problems.

Tell him your troubles and he'll try his best to comfort you.

Very handsy and touchy-feely when comforting you - ie. cuddles, caresses, holding your hand, etc.

"Oh, babes... you should of told me you were getting overwhelmed with all the popularity you've been getting you burned out." Asmo cooed as he places a hand on your cheek. "Gems like yourself need time away from people to let yourself shine once more to their fullest potential... Don't be so hard on yourself okay? You just need to tell me these things." "And you wanna know why?" He says with a cheeky grin, booping your nose in a playful manner, "Because you are my favourite person besides myself, and like myself - I'd drop everything to make sure my gem is okay before anything else. I'll reject clubbing invites and such, just to know you're going to be okay., Y/N"

𝗕𝗲𝗲𝗹𝘇𝗲𝗯𝘂𝗯

Notices when you started to skip meals to go be alone in your room

Starts getting worried when you either miss meals or offering your portion of your meals

Food is his way to comfort you during your burnout.

When you haul yourself up in your room, he'd often leave your comfort snacks.

If you two bump into each other in the kitchen, he's going to offer to cook for you - especially if you haven't ate anything in the hours.

Will fight tooth and nail not to eat what he's cooking up for you.

Will encourage you to eat, even if it's a couple bites.

After you eat, he'll do the dishes real quick and walk you back to your room so you can rest.

Stays by your bedside while you rest, holding your hand as if you're gonna just disappear again if you let go.

I got a feeling he's good a reading you and how you're feeling.

He already knows without you saying a word. And he'll stay by your side till you're back to your usual self.

"Y/N... I know you're not feeling like yourself and that's okay... you don't have to talk about it with me if you want but I'm here for you of course. I want you to know that" Beel says quietly as he watches you try to rest in your bed, giving your hand a slight squeeze. "Just make sure you eat. It's not good you've been forgetting to give yourself nourishments. I understand your tired and not feeling well, but do understand it's not healthy that your accedentally missing meals." He said, guiding your hand up to his cheek. "And I'll be sure of it. I'll take care of you, I promise you that Y/N"

𝗕𝗲𝗹𝗽𝗵𝗲𝗴𝗼𝗿

Wouldn't notice at all. He's asleep 99.9% of the time - canon.

But once he notices you're no longer showing up to any of his napping places to take a break from people after school.

Would sleepy wander around the HoL till he found you hiding in your room as you recharge from your burnout.

Crawls into your bed and just snuggles with you.

He can feel your tired, and not the usual tired - so he's happy to make sure you get the rest you need.

Often leaves and comes back with more pillows and blankets to make sure your comfortable and all.

Not much talking would happen. He just wants you to rest and only rest.

Keeps everything the same, not wanting to change anything that may stress you even more than you are now in your burnout state.

"Y/N, just stay here with me..." Belphie spoken in his groany voice, evident he's just woken up. The young demon squeezed you slightly as he pulled you closer, putting his leg over you to keep you down on the matrass them. "It's important you rest. You need it to function." He murmurs into the crook of your neck. "Being so popular must be draining... so just rest."

[crowleysaziraphale2003]

Doing Good Again, Angel?

Hey, so I mentioned Dyspraxia, my disability, in this fic. According to Google: Dyspraxia, also known as developmental coordination disorder (DCD), is a common condition that affects movement and coordination. Dyspraxia can affect fine and gross motor skills, such as writing, using small objects, playing sports, and learning to drive. It can also impact organizational skills, speech, and language.

For me, it affects time management, motor skills, balance, handwriting, cooking, cleaning, driving, sports, my grammar, the way I think, auditory processing, gives me sensory issues (I hate the Big Light and it feels like it hurts my brain), social skills and other things besides. I was formally diagnosed ten years ago. If you have any questions, let me know.Trigger warning for a physical fall and mild injury. Enjoy! :)

It was a rainy Friday afternoon, and Aziraphale and Crowley were slumped comfortably in their chairs, at the bookshop. Aziraphale was reading, and chatting to Crowley rather absentmindedly. Crowley, meanwhile, was alternating between chatting and trying to get some shut-eye.

Aziraphale looked up at Crowley, when something out of the window caught his eye. A human, to be specific.

"Oh my Goodness!"

"What?" 

"That young person across the street just went flying. I've got to help them!" 

Crowley made a noise. "Well, you don't have to, angel. But go ahead." He gestured for Aziraphale to go outside. Without a moment's hesitation, he did. 

Aziraphale quickly crossed the road and knelt down. They were trying to stand up, shaking a little. Two shopping bags were split open. Aziraphale took in the person. They seemed fine, if alarmed. He took their arm.

"Oh my goodness. Are you okay?" 

The person in question, a young adult, smiled, embarrassed. Their cheeks were pink.

"Yes, thank you. I've done it enough times now," they laughed. 

"Oh dear. Part of being human," Aziraphale replied, trying to make sure it didn't sound like a question. 

"Yeah," they said, "but also, I'm Dyspraxic. I'm prone to falling." 

Aziraphale shook his head, smiling. "I see. Are you hurt?" 

"Just grazed my knees." 

"Why don't you come in, have a hot chocolate, grab some plasters, and tell me about Dyspraxia?" Aziraphale asked, miracling their shopping back into the bags. "While you recover from the shock. You're safe, don't worry. My partner would enjoy talking to you, too." 

The human looked momentarily taken aback, but nodded, and smiled. "Thank you." Aziraphale handed them the bags back. They frowned, confused, but didn't question it, following him.

Crowley looked up when the bell over the door chimed, eyebrows raised.

"Doing good again, angel?"

It was a rainy Friday afternoon, and Aziraphale and Crowley were slumped comfortably in their chairs, at the bookshop. Aziraphale was reading, and chatting to Crowley rather absentmindedly. Crowley, meanwhile, was alternating between chatting and trying to get some shut-eye.

Aziraphale looked up at Crowley, when something out of the window caught his eye. A human, to be specific.

"Oh my Goodness!"

"What?" 

"That young person across the street just went flying. I've got to help them!" 

Crowley made a noise. "Well, you don't have to, angel. But go ahead." He gestured for Aziraphale to go outside. Without a moment's hesitation, he did. 

Aziraphale quickly crossed the road and knelt down. They were trying to stand up, shaking a little. Two shopping bags were split open. Aziraphale took in the person. They seemed fine, if alarmed. He took their arm.

"Oh my goodness. Are you okay?" 

The person in question, a young adult, smiled, embarrassed. Their cheeks were pink.

"Yes, thank you. I've done it enough times now," they laughed. 

"Oh dear. Part of being human," Aziraphale replied, trying to make sure it didn't sound like a question. 

"Yeah," they said, "but also, I'm Dyspraxic. I'm prone to falling." 

Aziraphale shook his head, smiling. "I see. Are you hurt?" 

"Just grazed my knees." 

"Why don't you come in, have a hot chocolate, grab some plasters, and tell me about Dyspraxia?" Aziraphale asked, miracling their shopping back into the bags. "While you recover from the shock. You're safe, don't worry. My partner would enjoy talking to you, too." 

The human looked momentarily taken aback, but nodded, and smiled. "Thank you." Aziraphale handed them the bags back. They frowned, confused, but didn't question it, following him.

Crowley looked up when the bell over the door chimed, eyebrows raised.

"Doing good again, angel?"

[balkanradfem]

Just watched The Substance and I honest to god can't believe this is considered a 'feminist' movie. Read your analysis and completely agrree. My male co-workers were actually gushing over this movie, they couldnt believe how many times they got to see the main actresses naked and posing sexually for them. If you made a movie for men to masturbate too you've absolutely failed in having a 'feminist' message.

And Sue literally being how incel men picture Hot Girls - getting everything she wants without doing anything, rich and vain, having sex whenever, posing sexually every morning and staring at herself constantly, while having no real personality. Its how a porn-addicted man wishes he could live, not any womens reality. She barely even has any lines in the movie.

Not to mention having Demi Moore be the 'old women' despite having obvious work done and looking nothing like a regular older women. Its like the movie itself was too afraid to actually show a realistically aged women, and when she does start getting gray hair and looking older suddenly shes acting cartoonishly bitter and slobbish. Im so sick of movies having women make disgusting looking food and a huge mess and it all being shown as gross and depressing. Portraying food and eating as disgusting and pigging out when women make it (for themselves, if theyre cooking for a man or kids suddenly its different) is just feeding into misogynistic beliefs, not subverting them.

And the classic, portraying sexist men as very goofy and dumb so they don't offend the male viewers by having an actual relatable man that acts just like them being criticised by the movie for his sexism. Also the whole point where the movie basically acts like if she'd just been able to go on that date with the random guy from school, she wouldve been fine. bc having a boyfriend and a man that says youre the most beautiful is all that a woman needs i guess.

Anyway I absolutely hated this movie. From a horror perspective it did some things very well, but the message was just foul to me. Not to mention the fact that men are now trying to give Margaret Qualley the Sydney Sweeney treatment, bc they got to see her naked, hyper-sexualized, and acting like a little girl infront of powerful men. This movie was the antithesis of what everyone is saying it is imo.

Yes, I remember feeling similar to this when I first watched it. So much of it was catering to the male gaze, so much of it I had to skip because it was pornographic material, the outrage at the woman who looked so young and socially attractive to be presented as 'too-old-looking', I didn't even consider how different she looked to the reality of female aging, I didn't know that much about her. I did think she looked young though!

And you described perfectly my own thoughts about the food! It was presented to us as if it was disgusting, it made me feel insane, it was food! I've never seen any food presented in such a way. I understood later that this part was meant to resonate with women who did see food in this way because of an eating disorder, and to them this looked very normal to how they feel about food, even though this seems terrifying to me, I can't even think about it that way.

You are so right that it's never portrayed like this when a woman is cooking for a family! I didn't even think of that. If she's making meals for others, then it's portrayed as extremely positive, if she's cooking for herself, horrible.

I actually didn't even see the missed date thing as her 'opportunity to be fixed', but you're right! They did depict that male as her last chance to make a human connection and to feel like a human again, as if a single male could resolve this insane amount of struggle she was in.

My conclusion is exactly the same as yours, it is not doing anything it's claiming to do, extremely disappointing as a feminist movie, so much catering to male gaze and awful and horrifying depiction of what women's lives are like.

[afictionalwhor3]

Found Family

a/n: I know this isn't hotd related but I've had this idea since finals started and had to get it out of my head.

Summary: Maybe you and Peter can help each other heal

Warnings: domestic abuse, suggested sa (not described), past trauma, suggested eating disorder, angst

Word Count: 3.9k

Post No Way Home Peter Parker x Reader

"Excuse me, do you mind if I sit at this table with you? I'll sit at the other end and I promise I won't bother you," You ask gently. Peter looks at you taking one of his headphones out and nodding his head.

"Oh uh yeah go ahead. No problem" He says smiling politely and you nod appreciatively. You sit down at the other end of the medium-sized wood table. You proceed to place your bookbag next to you while taking out your notebook and laptop. Peter takes one more quick glance at you before going back to the work in front of him.  

After Peter passed his GED test, he decided to start taking college classes. It was nothing crazy, a couple classes, a few credits, but he knew he owed it to everyone no longer here to pursue a college degree. The workload allowed him plenty of time to be Spiderman while giving him some semblance of what a normal life feels like again. Which was one of the reasons he came to the library. The apartment was often too quiet. Not for the lack of his neighbors trying. The people down the hall had an affinity for rock music, and the people above him… they liked to get it on you could say. He could block that sound out, but when he looked around his apartment it was a painful reminder of how alone he was. The few pictures he found of himself with May, MJ, and Ned he got framed and lived on his dresser. They brought him both pain and happiness every time his eyes landed on them. Peter loved them all as much as person could love someone else, but they were also a painful indicator of a life lost. The library was quiet, but the people that came in and out constantly alleviated a little of that lonely feeling. And the table he was currenly at had become his favorite. Peter did not have much these days so a table had become his favorite. The light directly above was bright, but not blinding compared to the naturally low lighting in the building. It was right next to a window with a beautiful view of outside, and he could see a good amount of entrances and exits.  

These were all the same reasons you loved this table. You had sat at others before and found you could not be as productive at those. You understood how odd it was to ask to share a table with someone when there were at least fifty free tables on this floor alone. But, you had a paper due in afew hours and you needed to be your most productive self. You too were taking classes at university and appreciated the quiet calm of the library. Life back where you were from was anything but stable, so the places you found serenity in you tended to cling tightly too. 

You and Peter went about your lives like this for a few months. You didn’t always run into each other, but when you did it was nothing more than a tight-lipped, polite smile before you both went back to whatever you were working on. You both were nothing more than a blip on each other’s radar. Peter began to pay closer attention to you when one day his gaze drifted to you while you were deep in thought as you wrote furiously in your notebook. It was December in New York so naturally the heat in the library was blasting making it hotter than usual. With the sleeves of your sweater pushed up he noticed bruising on your forearms. He didn’t think too much about it, choosing instead to mind his business. For the next couple of weeks there were no more signs of bruising so he figured you must of got in an accident of some sorts. 

But then the next time he saw you there were some serious bruises around your neck and collarbone. He brushed it off as being nothing more than a few extreme love bites not wnating to get involved in anything that didn’t concern him. He told himself he would focus on classes and being Spiderman, not getting distracted by anything else. However, he knew he had to do something when the next time he saw you there was bruising around your eye. He could tell you attempted to cover it with makeup, but he knew more than anyone what a bruise looked like. Peter knew he needed to do something, but he couldn’t exactly Spiderman his way into this situation. Obviously something was going on, but Peter had no idea how to approach this. He could web sling and fight bad guys all day, but helping someone as Peter? He didn’t know it that was possible. While he thought over a plan your bruises only got worse. You would slip up and scratch your arm or adjust your collar and he saw them, bright as day from his perspective. God only knew how many more you had that he couldn’t see. It was breaking his heart and he knew he had do something sooner rather than later. If everything he had to do wasn’t hard enough, you were running into each other significantly less. 

A month since he first picked up on what was going on, Peter saw you again. This time when you sat down Peter took out his headphones. You were immediately concerned thinking he was going to change his mind when he extended an outstretched hand towards you,

“I’m Peter,” He said with a genuine smile. You looked at him suspiciously before putting your hand in his. 

“Y/N, nice to meet you,” You say shaking his hand pulling away after a few seconds. You both could feel the awkward tension growing between you before Peter broke the silence, 

“Sorry I don’t mean to disturb you I just realized we’ve been sitting together all these months and I didn’t even know your name,” He says chuckling a little which makes you smile. 

“Oh yeah, I guess that is kind of nuts. Well nice to meet you Peter, and thank you for letting me sit here. This is gonna sound odd but this is my favorite table,” You say and Peter’s smile gets bigger. 

“Mine too! I-” He starts before getting a few shushes at how loud he got “Sorry. I like it too because I can see all entrances and exits and the view is so nice.” He says and you nod your head quickly in agreeance. 

“Wow- I actually feel the same way,” you say shocked you both were the same type of weird. 

“Well, I’ll let you get back to work. But it was great to finally get your name,” He says as you nod. 

“You as well,” You say opening your laptop and putting your headphones in. That was the last time Peter saw you. 

~2 months later~

It was the middle of March as Peter stood at the top of building looking over the city. Winter refused to let New York out of its crushing grip, a cold chill remaining in the air. Peter replayed that day between you a million times over in his head. He didn’t ask about the bruises he saw because maybe at that time you just needed a friend. He could build your trust and maybe you’d come to him about what was happening. But he never saw you again. The next two weeks he went to the library everyday for hours on end hoping to see you, but you never came. He only hoped that you were out there somewhere okay. You would live in conscious for a very long time. A symbol of one of his many regrets. He takes a deep breath before free falling off the building catching himself with his web as he begins his nightly patrol. 

Moving around steahily his enhanced hearing picked up yelling, there was always yelling in New York. Ready to continue his patrol and not think twice about until he heard “God damnit Y/n!”. There was a million and one chance someone else had your name, but he had to go check. 

“I’m so sorry Jack I promise I’m trying to be better” You plead before feeling a burning sting to your cheek. Before you had a chance to process that the punch to your gut sent you reeling into the glass coffee table. The air left your lungs as you landed feeling the now broken glass did into you . 

“You stupid bitch. I go out there and bust my balls and come home to bullshit every night. The place is a fucking mess,” kick “your food sucks,” kick “And I swear every time I come back your fatter” another kick. There was no point in fighting the tears that streamed down your face. You couldn’t pinpoint exactly where the pain was because everything hurt. Every kick hit a place that was already bruised already elevating the pain. 

This latest fight had been going on for an hour since he got home. You’ve been in this situation for four months. As pathetic as it sounded, he was all you had. You began dating at the beginning of the semester. You moved across the country for school, but you werne’t leaving much behind. You didn’t have any friends, no family. You ran into Jack one day in the street. He bumped into you and made you spill coffee all over yourself. He apologized so sincerely, and offered to buy you a new one to make it up. When it came to sweeping you off your feet he did everything right. Romantic dates, the perfect gentleman, devilishly attractive. You began dating and moved in with him quickly because his apartment was nicer than the dump you lived in. That was when he first started hitting you. 

It didn’t happen often at first. Maybe if you raised your voice or forgot to pick up something. But he always promised it was the last time. He cried and apologized and begged you to forgive him and you always did. Because in truth, you needed him a lot more than he needed you. Then as time went on everything you did was not good enough in his eye. You didn’t clean well enough, you were too big, even the way you breathed. The first time he broke your rib he told you it was because you were breathing too heavy after going out on a walk together and he’d give you a real reason to have trouble breathing. You had lost about thirty pounds in the last few months both from him restricting your food and yourself.

The library was the last safe space you had. That day Peter talked to you, oh Peter you missed him so much. That day he talked to you, it felt so good to talk to another human being. He seemed nice and genuinely interested in possibly being your friend? You were sitting with each other for so long it would make sense. But you didn’t know Jack followed you to the library that day becoming suspicious of how much time you spent there. When you got back he was furious assuming you were cheating on him. He didn’t give you time to explain yourself and got right to hitting you as soon as you closed the door. You blacked out that night waking up on the floor by the door. 

The rational part of your brain knew you deserved more than this. You didn’t have or deserve to be treated like this. But what if what he said was true? What if you really were unlovable? Beyond fixing? Maybe he really was your best option. Or what if he went back to the way he first was? Loving and attentive, but would all this pain be worth it. When Peter first talked to you you thought about telling him everything. Which is a terrible weight to dump on a stranger, and he seemed so nice. Kind in a way you haven’t experienced in a long time. You decided quickly this was not his problem, there was no reason to burden his life as well. After that incident Jack told you if you ever told anyone he would kill you first and then them. You didn’t want to put Peter in harm’s way which is why you stopped going to the library all together. You thought about him often, and hoped he was out there somewhere doing better than you. 

“I’m sorry Jack. Please just give me another chance. I can be better. I’ll do better for you,” You whimper your body trembling in fear. The anticipation of what he was going to do to you was almost worse than the abuse. When he got like this he was entirely unpredictable which was an entirely different monster. 

“No you dumb bitch.” He says taking his belt off and getting on the ground “You never fucking learn and you never will huh? Well since I can’t teach you I will just have to make sure you never fuck up again,” He says as you start immediately shaking your head and fighting back. He manuevers around your flailing legs and arms landing a few blows to your side and one to your head leaving you defenseless before wrapping his hands around your throat. You shake your head and scratch at his hands trying to get him to stop. You begged and pleaded to any god that existed to help. You weren’t ready to go, you knew you weren’t. Just as your vision started to go black you felt the pressure go away and watching through one good eye as Jack was thrown against a wall. Was that Spiderman? That cannot be right, but it was becoming hard to stay awake. The last thing you remember is a voice talking to you and them promising to call 911.  

7 days later…

You wake up to the sound of rustling beside you. It is a struggle to move your neck to the side to see who is beside you. God, it feels like you got hit by a train repeatedly. There is a nice looking older woman writing on some papers. She has on purple scrubs with lollipops on them. You try to take in your surrounings. The nurse, flourscent lighting, sterile smell the air, you had to be in the hospital. Or this was your sick version of the after life. “Good morning hun. It is nice to see you are awake. I’ll make sure to let the doctor know and as soon as she gets the chance she will come explain everything to you okay?” She says in a gentle voice and you do your best to nod in understanding. “Now that you are awake I’ll come back later with a lunch and dinner form for you, but if you need anything sooner hit that button by your left hand and I’ll be here,” She says as you move your hand around and feel the button nodding your head again. She smiles at you sadly before leaving the room. You listen to the monitor beat systemically as you look at the ceiling. Your head is pounding and it hurts to breathe but you are pretty sure you are alive. Your eye isn’t swollen anymore because you can see out of both of them. 

The rest of the day consists with a variety of people entering and exiting your room. The doctor comes in and explains they put you in a medically induced coma hoping to stop anymore trauma to your brain, get fluids in you because you were extremely malnourished, and hopefully give your body stress free time to heal. Three broken ribs, a broken orbital bone, multiple severe contusions, glass removal and stitches, and a moderate concussion. You would be in here for at least a couple more days so they could monitor you and make sure you were healing properly and there were no complications. After the doctor it was the cops. They were doing a full reprt on Jack. You were scared at first, he promised to kill you if you ever told anyone. What if he kept up his end of the promise. You told the police that and they promised they would protect you and your testimony would put him away for a long time. Turns out you weren’t the first woman he has done this too. Optimistic, you told the officers everything. Relieved all the painful details if it meant you could put that monster away and put an end to this horrible nightmare. Then it was the psychiatrist. She had to make sure you didn’t need to be put on suicide watch and assess your mental state after everything you went through. You couldn’t get a read on what she was writing but you didn’t get moved to a padded room or handcuffed to the bed so you assumed you were in the clear for now. Your guiding light in all of this was your sweet nurse. Her name is Rose, and she has been beyond kind to you since you opened your eyes. 

The next morning, Rose is once again the first person you see. She is bringing your food to you and helping you get comfortable. “Rose I don’t think this is your job,” You say smiling appreciatively at her. 

“Well I won’t tell if you don’t” She says making you smile. You felt much better today. Your pain meds got adjusted now that you were awake making everything more bearable. Knowing you gave the cops your statement and there’s a chance Jack will never see the light of day again was something to look forward to. You had to believe the justice system would do the right thing, but hope was powerful and you chose to believe in it for the time being. 

While eating your applesauce you notice someone approaching and sighed wondering who could possibly need to speak to you now. You look over and see Peter walk through the door, a small bouquet of flowers in his hand. He waves awkwardly and for the first time in weeks you smile. “I would wave back but it hurts to do anything more than lift my spoon to my mouth” You say and he smiles. He walks over and places the flowers on your bedside table. 

“How do you feel?” He asks and you lean back looking at him

“Oh you know. Feels like I got hit by a truck, everything hurts, but I guess I’m luck to be alive right? The doctors and nurses here are really good so today is better than yesterday. I’m pretty sure I owe my life to Spiderman? I’m not sure if I was halucinating or not but I owe someone my life.” You say trying your best to retrieve the memory but those moments before you passed our are all a blur.

“Do you mind if I sit?” Peter asks as you shake your head and he pulls a chair over. 

“Do you mind if I ask how did you know I was here? Or what happned to me?” You ask as Peter scratches at the back of his neck thinking of an explanation.

“I um volunteer at the hospital. I heard some nurses talk about you and what happened. I saw the cops come in and figured out where your room was. I didn’t wanna come empty handed so I came back today. I’m glad you’re okay though, I missed my table buddy,” He says looking at you as you laugh softly then start to cough. Peter looks concerned but you nod your head. 

“It’s okay I’m all good. The broken ribs make it hard to breathe and it hurts to laugh” you respond looking at him as he nods in seeming understanding. You brush that off adding, “I appreciate you coming here Peter. It means a lot to me.” you say as he nods and you feel the awkward tension begin to build between you. This time it is your turn to break the void, “I don’t- I don’t have any family. I don’t have anyone. I haven’t in a long time.” You say your voice cracking as he looks back at you. Not sadly, but in understanding. 

“Y/n you don’t have to-” He starts but you shake your head. 

“No no it’s fine. I know I don’t know you that well but between you and my nurse, you are one of the kindest people I’ve met. You barely know me and still came to check on me,” you say. Maybe it was the drugs in your system but they had you becoming extremely loose lipped. 

“My dad died when I was 10, my mom turned into an alcoholic after. Even before then she wasn’t much of a mother. She abused me, sometimes physically, but mostly verbal. The drinking caused her to lose her job. We mostly slept in her car, or a home if they let us in. We begged for money or meals and even then she would usually use me to get more and then keep it for herself. When I was sixteen I ran away. Slept on benches, couches, wherever I could. Made it the best I could on my own. When I got a scholarship to come here I knew I had to take it. I thought coming here would be my fresh start. I’d be free of that alone feeling that’s clung to me like a cancer and I could get a frest start. Leave my past behind me. Looks like I just traded one nightmare for another.” You say tears running down your face as you try to wipe them away “But Peter, I want you to know that the little bit of kindness you have showed me has been paramount. It has made a difference, truly.” You say looking at Peter again tears running freely down your face as you do nothing to stop it. Peter feels a few of his own tears spilling over. He doens’t know what hurts you so opts to put his hand softly over yours and squeezing it gently. 

“I am so sorry you had to go through that. You are strong in ways I never will be or could comprehend. And I promise you I understand that lonely feeling. Why do you think I go to the library? I enjoy being at least around people. I lost all the people that were important to me. In one way or another they are all gone,” Peter says a faraway look in his eye. You squeeze his hand bringing him back to the presence as he looks at you again, “The silence is the worst part right? The silence… it overwhelms you. Creates a space that allows every bad thought to run free and you just can’t stop it.” He says and you nod your head in understanding. Peter had that sad and lost look in his eye. The same one you often saw when you looked in the mirror. 

“Well if it makes you feel better you have me. Maybe we could… create our own thing? Something that feels like home for the both of us. Then, we don’t have to be alone anymore” You reply smiling weakly at Peter. He smiles at you wiping the tears that fell from his eye

“I think I’d like that”

[talaok]

So I have a disorder called Pots(goofy name ik) and it causes me to pass out sometimes and I was wondering if you could write something with pedro were the reader has pots and passes out? Hurt/comfort kinda thing.

warnings: fainting, and way too much dialogue about a pie.

a/n: ok I had to do a bit of research so I hope this is accurate. Also thank you for requesting something so personal, idk why but I feel really honored every time this happens.

"do you want another slice?" you asked, nestling closer to him on the couch.

He chuckled lightly "Sweetheart you're too good to me, if I eat another slice I'm gonna explode"

You giggled, kissing his shoulder "You sure that's not a kind way of saying you don't like my apple pie?"

"What?" his eyes widened, and you looked up at him amusedly "Sugar that's the best apple pie I've ever had in my entire life, what are you talking about?"

"yeah, yeah, sure" you gave him a pretend eye roll "If that were the truth you'd eat another slice"

"then I'll eat another slice," he said, without missing a beat "I'll eat the whole thing"

You had to laugh softly at that "I'm kidding baby, I know you like it, you don't have to eat anymore if you're full"

"no, now I want it"

you smiled, placing a hand on his chest to lean up "You sure?"

"I'm sure" he kissed your lips softly

You smiled again, leaning away, and as you went to stand up, you immediately knew something was wrong.

The last thing you heard was a muffled "You ok baby?" before your vision went black

“Sweetheart?”

Someone was calling for you

“Sweetheart, are you awake?”

Your head was buzzing, but you still got the message to open your eyes.

“Pedro?” you murmured, squinting. Everything was too bright.

“It’s me baby it’s me” he spoke softly, afraid to do anything.

“Shit.” you sighed “I fainted didn’t I?”

He took your hand in his, sitting closer to you on the bed “Mh-mh” he nodded.

“Fuck, I’m sorry... it hadn’t happened in a while” you said.

“What for? I was just- I was worried”

You couldn’t help the small smile tugging at your lips “You don't need to be worried, It’s normal baby, it happens to me sometimes.” you said, but you could see he wasn’t fully convinced

”You know how I get dizzy?”

He nodded

“Yeah well sometimes that same thing happens, but worse, and I faint”

“Just like that?”

“Yeah just like that”

“Why?”

“Same reason I get dizzy baby, not enough blood to my heart"

"that's...that's awful" he murmured, and you gripped his hand "I'm sorry"

"it's not your fault" you smiled "And at least you were there to take care of me"

"I didn't really know what to do so I laid you on the bed, is that ok, or should I like, have done something else?"

"no, it's perfect," you said, sitting up "thank you"

A small smile appeared on his face too now "Here, I thought you might want some water" he remembered, taking the glass he had placed on the nightstand and offering it to you.

You weren't really thirsty but seeing how panicked he looked you forced yourself to take a big gulp.

"Can I do something? What do you need?"

You bit down a grin "I'm fine babe, I'm better now"

"you sure?"

"yes, I'm sure"

"there's really nothing I can do?"

You chuckled softly "well if you really wanna do something you could cuddle me"

He smiled, obviously relieved "gladly"