#but then again. we only live once? idk
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going to an art school for two semesters and it costs over 4k. terrified to tell my dad
#the course is specifically for comics (which i am really passionate about)#but 'graduating' from that course obviously doesn't bring many job opportunities etc#im just worried he'll say it's a dumb idea and i'll feel even worse about it#or that he'll say that it's not worth the cost cus it really is just self indulgence all the way#but then again. we only live once? idk#im just worried#skiezrambles
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Happy Birthday to Ferdinand von Aegir!
I actually made 33 emotes, affectionately known as Aegirglyphics to some, for my own personal use on discord. However, I figure why not share some of them! They're free to use for discord servers/icons/pfps or whatever. However, my only request is Do NOT use them as subscriber emotes on Twitch. You can make them free follower emotes but you are not to make them locked behind a paywall.
#fe three houses#ferdinand von aegir#discord emotes#i thought long and hard about this bc idk the actual want for emotes i made ages ago but#i still love my son and its his bday ad so i should be nice and share#since i no longer have nitro and can no longer use them myself#the fact i can technically post 30 at once was tempting but#some of them arent living up to my standards and also just might not be easy to use in most contexts#so those im gonna skip on lol#whoever wants 21 aegirglyphics tho have at em#i think i might have posted some before? but only 10 and i dont recall which ones#if you want a secret the last three and the middle on the second row are my favorites to use#i used concernednand (the upper one) so much#the internet concerns me guys it was a valid use every time#debated sharing heartnand but honestly the world could benefit from it imo because gotta spread that love#fun lil trivia i love making emotes and so when i was in a server and people knew me as the ferdinand fan and artist#someone was like why hasnt salmon made a ferdinand emote yet#and im like bc i dont run the server and i cant just demand they add my art#and then a mod was like i didnt wanna put pressure on salmon but i thought about it so i was like bet#and then drew a server exclusive happy ferdinand emote#and that was the start of me somehow being able to have like.... ten emotes in that server#some of them were just me joking and then mods encouraging me#cause i used to use felix for every single art prompt theyd give and one week someone said the prompt was pog#and i just was so upset because dude why would i wanna draw felix for that hes not pog#so a mod was like hey if you make a pog felix emote we ill add it to the emotes here#so i once again was like bet and then posted it and then they really added it lmao#anyway sorry for so many rambles please feel free to use them on discord in whatever server#i cant really expect everyone to credit me but also im not really concerned since i fear people know my nands a mile away
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The bertholdt hoover fandom is dying rt if youd wipe the sweat from his brow like if youd give him a warm glass of milk
#coming over here to my fucking reibert saved url from 2014 on my old blog because im going crazy thinking about bertholdt my beloved#my right hand arm. man. my confidant. my best friend. my silly rabbit.#bro my EVERYTHINGGGGGG#i loved him when i thought he did all that unprompted idgaf i will love him to my dying days#i was with him (and reiner) thru the dark ages where they had just fucked off in the manga after unsuccessfully kidnapping eren and they#didnt show up until literal years later. i stopped reading once they left i couldnt go on w/o them!!!!!!#the only info we had was that they predicted the damn weather based off how he slept!!! u have no idea the loyalty i have to this man (and#reiner and annie) but omfg. omfg. its so bad. just watched s2 for the first time in my LIFE and im losing my SHIT#idk if i can keep watching & the only snk i read after they left was their reppearance and then i immediately stopped again when he DIED!!!!#so we'll see if i can cope with continuing on. probably not tbh. anyway i 🩷 bertholdt. most tragic figure ever. right there next to annie –#and reiner. they were literal kids who were sent out to kill thousands and then live amongst the suffering they alone caused –#and had to wake up each day and face their comrades their peers their friends and know they had to keep going and deliver everyone to –#their demise. no one else could ever understand that burden ✋️. meanwhile reiner has a literal mental breakdown from the stress and develops#a dissociative disorder and annie isolates herself and bertholdt has to try to keep it together. the fucking TRAGEDYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!! seeing#bertl's face when reiner talks about goinf home. the hope the grief the despair. ☝️ i need to die.#knowing he fcking died is the worst part. take literally anyone else omg theyre ready to go. free my man.
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#didn't have a big party for my 30th for reasons that were partly distance and partly insecurities/depression#this year being back closer to where my people are decided to do a big party instead this weekend#my first since my 21st (which was... a struggle for also distance related reasons and may have reinforced said insecurities)#i am having to remind myself. i am doing my best none of us get to practice this life#interrupting this to say i just mindlessly slapped at a tickle on my arm only to discover it was HUGE#not the sandflies we've been getting all day but a moth or something at least a cm big! (i grabbed it and threw it away without looking)#anyway. what was i saying. having a little moment where my insecurities are coming back in the middle of the night#and i wonder if i have - again - asked for less than i truly want because i didn't feel like anyone would give the full thing to me#but the point is: i asked for something i wanted and that's something that takes practice. and the point is: i get to try again next year a#d next year and next year. and the point is: we only live this life once but it is not a short life and there will be more chances#to celebrate with the people i love. to ask for what i want. to learn to listen to what i actually want before i make myself smaller out#of habit#but i DID ask for a party and i DID ask for someone who isn't me to host it (a thing i haven't asked for since probably my 21st tbh) and#that's already growth#and it will be fun! i'm a bit sad that no one from my most recent chapter of life can be there but it's no secret that social was hard ther#so i only have 3 friends i wanted to invite anyway and all of them live several hours away#(and one of them i knew couldn't come already when i planned it - she's at a hens party - but we talked about it and decided to go ahead)#idk. really it's ok. but part of why i'm doing this is as a challenge to my own insecurities (as well as because it will be fun!) and i#really pray this year will see some of those insecurities dwindling. that i will be able to really believe that i am lovable and loved.#that's my prayer.
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hello! I have been following you for years now, and just wanted to say that I'm really glad that your tags under reblogs went from depression and no plans for long life to becoming a tattoo artist and looking forward to living more. all while being faithful to pink. I hope that many many good things come your way from now on!
also, I really like your art. both lineart and coloring is very beautiful)
aaa tysm 💗 omg i was JUST thinking abt this recently!!! like im so glad i didnt kms during hs - college LMAO cuz now i can motorboat sukunas fat boobs in 2025 life is beautiful 👍🏻
#becoming a tat artist was not planned in any way but having $ and moving out rly did That#i forgot how much it sucked living w my fam the trauma of it all like it feels so distant now im like.. did that all rly happen sjejwjsm#im on ok terms w my fam now mostly cuz i basically ran away from home and cut contact at first but they begged me to forgive them basically#sort of so my sis n i visit them once a month or so and they r on their best behavior#and we play pretend normal family ANSWJJSWJKSJA#also there was the general existential dread like idk wat to do w my life im scared i should die 💀 BUT NOT ANYMORE CUZ ME HAS A JOB N CAN#AFFORD STUFF YAY :D#i havent wanted to kms since like 2020/2021 YAYZ#or 2022? idk my memory is soo completely fcked at this point stuff beyond a year ago seem super far away and weird but basically IVE BEEN#GOOD FOR A WHILE#i also dont cry anymore only at sad cat posts online haha but looking back that was not normal 👎🏻#specifically i was like i wanted my fam to find my dead body so i can traumatize them back and also run away from existential dread THATS A#KRAZEE LINE OF THOUGHT OMG I CANT BELIEVE THAT WAS MEEEEEE#now i have 2 beautiful kids (my cats) and i daydream abt my anime husbands#and i buy a bunch of hanboks#and go to the salon for my hair instead of bleaching it and dying it pink myself#and i get my nails done man life is GOOD :3#literally depression WHO#i cant believe i would have missed out on jjk cuz i only got into that in 2024 STAY ALIVE PPL!!! :3#drawing sexy sukuna every night haaaaaa 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻#asks#TY AGAIN THIS ASK IS NICE 💗💗💗💗#allll da best to u toooo 💗💗🎀💗💗💗🎀💗💗💗🎀🎀
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had quite the night drive earlier this evening.
#just me rambling again#web weaving#(?)#uh. one of my friends who is out of town for college was visiting and i got to see him and our friends and the only core member of that#group of people missing was my ex girlfriend who you may also know of as my wonderful wife#who has I assume been very busy with their own life things but has also barely and very sparsely had any hint of communication with any of#us within the past few months which I've been realizing very recently sort of hurts my feelings because we used to be so close and#they had been saying that they would be constantly making sure we still were in each other's lives. but then very quickly have#seemingly dropped off the face of the earth#anyways. I was driving aforementioned friend who is in town back home (family home not college obv) and when i was finally going back#towards my house afterwards my Google maps finally lead me to an area that i was more familiar with driving and i got to an#intersection and it was telling me to take a right to go home but i knew that i knew the way perfectly from that intersection to my#ex girlfriend / best friend / wifes familys house from all of the times I've gone that direction through the past years and so#i turned off my directions and i took a left towards their house#not super sure why but my brain and body just knew it was something i needed to do and so i went and drove down their street and cried#a lot the whole time and then drove myself home from their house once again following a super familiar path#and idk im still feeling very emotional about it. the fact that halloween by noah kahan was the first song to play on Spotify#after i made that left turn im sure didnt help (knowing that i miss them so much and am going to be leaving this area myself#soon enough here and there's been an open offer for a while now that they are welcome to follow and live with me once they get their degree#(and also um. halloween is next week lol)#idk i just havent felt the full force of how badly i miss having them in my life until tonight. when i was around this person i could feel#our souls singing in harmony. i genuinely cannot describe the feelings of our relationship in words i feel like only vaguely abstract art#could communicate the connection that was forged between us and the level of understanding and knowing#something not dissimilar to looking into the sun directly or trying to describe a vivid color to someone who is completely blind#something about the way the entire universe breathes in unison and everything around us are all pieces of the same stars#sigh#i miss my wife tails i miss her a lot /ref
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Ep 4 :)
#I LIKE Dostoyevsky. I like how mysterious and unreadable he is. What is his goal!!!! Why does he do what he does!!!!!!! He's very cool#I think knowing his ability now REALLY adds to his character. Him being so smart so manipulative so disruptive in the way he–#seemingly kills people on touch! Only added to this impression of him being “demon” and “inhuman”#But now that we know his ability you realize... That's all his doing; no ability.#His ability in a way does help humanize him by reaffirming that except for the moment he dies– he's got no superpower at all!!!#It's just him.#And yet at the same time also solves the exact opposite role of dehumanizing him because if it's not his ability that makes him like *that*#then he's even different than other ability users!!! Then‚ if not an ability user‚ if not a non ability user: what is //he//?#It's all SO compelling!!! Also makes for an extremely insightful narrative parallel with Dazai#Not an ability user not a non ability user. Not good not evil. (I feel like Dostoyevsky does exceed the definitions of good and evil as–#much as Dazai does. If he causes evil‚ yet does so with the intention of bringing salvation to humans– is he really *simply* evil?)#Both have these borderline superpowers that make them extraordinary beings (we can call it super intelligence‚ but it goes from controlling#their own heartbit to everything else) but are unrelated to their respective abilities! Once again making them neither this or that#I find Karma's words at the end to be extremely insightful.“Ace was evil for sure‚ but this man isn't even evil.#He's a being from the beyond. A being that exceeds human limits.” Like!!! That's all that there is to it!!!!!!#Back to this chapter / episode. There's some themes / worldvies once again I don't agree with but narrative wise I think it's extraordinary#I feel like after the Guild arc the writing really matured a lot and this is a kind of preview of what the doa arc is going to be like#(aka very very well written especially if compared to the previous arcs)#The plot twists of this episode are all so unpredictable and exciting!!! I think it's remarkably witty how it takes advantages of previous–#clichés - villains always revealing details about their own ability in a way that is quite baffling - to actually surprise the audience.#It's so effective. How skillfully unpredictable Dostoyevsky is to the point you can never guess what he will do next!!!#Him killing Karma is... Idk so so soooooooo interesting. I could talk about this forever but I'm being very dispersive in the rable and–#running out of tags. The whole episode you're sorta rooting for Dostoyevsky. He's very cool and comes out charming in the way he keeps–#surprising the audience. He looks bothered by Ace's disregard of other people's lives and that makes him sympathetic too.#But then he kills Karma out of nowhere and it's an “Ah! You fell for his lies too– remember he's nothing but evil. He cares just as little#about life as Ace does”. And then??? Karma in his last words is himself so generous in his words to Dostoyevsky. It's baffling.#And it almost feels like thenarrative is once again turning around and telling you you should root for Dostoyevsky.#It's endlessly fascinating.#I have more to say about the worldviews I don't share and the art style Dostoyevsky was portrayed with this episode (love it!!)#But alas ran out of tags
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so i'm at my mom's and i decide to round up all the naruto volumes we have in the house (currently i've found 37, 45, 50, 51, 53, 54, 56, 58, and 60) bc that's where my brain is these days and i flipped through 'em a bit and like.
ok so in volume 53 (the birth of naruto) there's a flashback to the kyuubi attack and a bunch of people dying. we see naruto's parents (mostly kushina) monologue to him pre-kicking it, we see iruka's parents giving their lives for him, and then there's kurenai's dad.
"you're a girl so make sure you live long enough to give me grandkids" bro i hope the kyuubi got you and i hope it hurt
#naruto#we never see him again like. ever#i think he showed up in one of the databooks or something and that's why we know his name but. dude wtf#iruka's parents: it's a parent's duty to sacrifice their lives for their child#naruto's parents: we love you so much#kurenai's dad: make sure u live long enough to get knocked up#like i know it's meant to be referring to the fact that she was pregnant in canon at that point but like#the scene is set up in a way that implies that he's gonna die and that's the only thing we see him say to his daughter#what the hell man#also it's really sad that sasuke goes from genuinely caring about his teammates in vol 45 to what happens in vol 51#like both times with karin specifically#when amaterasu hits her juugo just goes ''well she's fucked the rest of us should go right now bye karin''#meanwhile sasuke cares so hard he figures out how to stop the fire that's whole thing is not being stoppable#then when danzou grabs her he's just. nah girl ur too slow fuck u#i mean i know a lot's been going on but yeesh man#like he saves her at least once (maybe twice? not super clear) in vol 50#so. idk maybe seeing danzou's arm pushed him over the edge#naruto shippuden
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Shout-out to everyone who survived a "fun" easter with the family
#fucking hell#it started with finding out my dad smoked in my car when I picked up my sister#who was equally dreading the day#my mum turns into the world's tensest and judgemental presence. worsened by my aunt#then hell for autistic people (of which there are multiple present)#multiple deaf people means one uninspired conversation that isn't interesting in any way.#combinations of passive aggressiveness and people not saying a thing because they can't participate. voice volumes too damn high#weirdass food situations. Very full table. so many smells.#this goes on for over an hour. wishing for literally anything but being there. soul crushing.#then you still have to sit in that room for 2.5 hours. it just goes on and on.#my autistic deaf dad physically looks like how I feel. my mum and aunt keep piling on top of him to demand his mental presence#i leave the room once (to get my phone to show pictures to my uncle) and am immediately followed upstairs by my mum#who demands I don't leave the room (What's next. following me when I need the toilet?)#me and my sister are so bored we start throwing paper planes and fake fighting.#Which amuses the bored and the deaf#but of course my mum and aunt have opinions and this is not allowed. only soul crushing boredom allowed#they complain to each other over it while aggressively doing dishes#finally it ends because my mum and aunt start insisting my dad should go to bed if he's 'that tired'. *sprinkle on some additional ableism*#still sitting through a conversation about allergies one of my sister's friends has. my mum preaching that people should take that seriously#(meanwhile i had to cook for myself for 9 years because when my allergies were really bad no one bothered to check if i could eat something)#me and my sister go sit upstairs to discover our mum has made things we care about vanish in her room#and made things appear that should not be there#I've washed the interior of my car and hope the smell will go#you think it's over after that. but woke up with the realisation that even more things have disappeared from my sister's room.#i can't remember a time when things left outside of my room didn't disappear#I don't know why we do these family gatherings at all. no one has fun on days like that.#the housing crisis isn't making these things easy. my sister is losing her place to live again as well#she'll go hiking for a month and then work on a campsite over the summer#maybe I'll go house sitting again. idk.#can't make commitments a few months in advance like that because I'll cancel everything the second Sparks announces anything important
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idk i think my bf might be developing a drinking problem and i just don’t know what to do…..
#it’s been going on for a couple of months now but he promised he would stop and he had been doing well until today….#and it’s like. on one hand i never wanted to be w an alcoholic and i told him straight so he promised it would stop#but on the other hand i can’t just abandon him#and it’s like we used to go out a lot and party but like. that was it but ever since he met this guy he just gets lost when he drinks w him#and the thing was he got like aggressive like he didn’t do anything to me and i can’t really explain it but he just wasn’t himself#and like. we talked about it a million times and it’s not like it happens every week#it’s been like 5 times since december#but 3 have been on the past month alone#and two weeks ago it got bad like he almost got into an accident#and like i’m not even physically w him anymore like we really only see each other once a week since i moved#and from the very first time it happened i told him i couldn’t be w him if it kept happening#and after that incident two weeks ago he swore it was the last time but it just happened again#by the way he and that guy get wasted it really is a miracle they get home alive#and like. idk what to do#i really don’t want to be w someone like this#and i hate feeling like this like if i were to think only about myself i don’t want this i hate feeling like this#but i also can’t abandon him#like not even bc i would miss him or whatever i just wouldn’t feel good leaving him alone#but like i don’t want to live like this#maybe i’ll ask for some time to just figure things out#but it’s gonna suck so bad bc we were supposed to see kendrick lamar next week and then we already had plans for his bday and omfg#i don’t wanna leave but i don’t want things to be like this either#and i asked him to stop and gave him multiple chances but idk#i just don’t know what to do#i love him endlessly but i need to put myself first but i can’t abandon him:(#and our 1.5 anniversary was also next week…..#but i think time is the sanest and safest thing right now
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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guys i need to be dancing at a house party tipsy with someone im attracted to so bad btw. ive never been to a house party in real life (though id quite like to at least once) but i really have been desperately needing that specific (probably awful for me) sensory and social environment so bad lately
#just me rambling again#i keep looking through ao3 to try to find smth with the exact vibe im looking for but cant :(( might have to grab hold of some old or some#half made ocs and write it myself idk. or just like. find a way to experience it irl#oh btw ! tmrw night slumber party w one of my friends who ive been wanting to hang out with more + also happens to be the one i recently go#to smooch on the mouth :3333#the stated purpose is ive been trying to get her to yap at me abt her biggest fandom / interest for ages and just explain all of the lore#and story and characters to me bc ive been wantign to hear abt it from her but we just havent had a good time#and also i cannot lie i hope that i can smooch them on the mouth again! theyre such a lovely person and so very pretty#ive been meaning to tumblr tag ramble abt that for a bit and forgot anyways i have straight up told them and also one of our other friends#that if they get invited to a party ever they should please please lpeaseeeeeee see if they can invite me along#my brain has a half assed hope at maybe getting the teen party experience (most likely not oging to happen for me but it is a real life#possibly grounding for little daydream of wants) bc a somewhat popular guy the year below me (guy i fancied when i was in the play fun fact#for any loyal frog lore enjoyers) put smth on his instagram story like if i throw a bday party is anyone interested ?? with like a story#poll and obviously i picked the affirmative bc i dont know him super well but he knows a lot of ppl i know and i did a cool photoshoot with#him once idk im hoping if its a big event i have a shot at going (as aforementioned--not going to happen in real life but a man can dream)#sigh i recently made a new playlist of the weird yearning ive got going on rn and the flavor of my minds niche longings#its a good playlist#idk ive been so nothing recently im just excited that i get to see my friends this weekend i get to hang out w some of my besties tmrw#through the day too im very excited#OH ALSO omg im just throwing every single diary update i have into one post now ig but erm#ive realized recently (last week or two) that i think im finally 'over' my most recent relationship?#like im still sad abt the fact that my high school best friend.. doesnt talk to me anymore#and im still coping with all of the nightmare insecurities i have deep in my mind being proven correct within the past however many months#but like i only just registered oh hell yeah at the very least i dont have like. romantic feelings of any sort still towards her? i do#love my wonderful ex gf shes such a lovely person and for a long time was an amazing friend to me#but it feels like a weight is off of my chest i straight up was sitting in the feeling of well i'll be missing her forever and i just have#to live like this forever oh well but like. no im chilling in that regard actually we're clear.#idk ive had like nothing going on lately i work and school and i think about my feelings SOMETIMES#i try not to generally but they always get in somehow you know how it is.
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#frank.txt#also shit is FUCKED rn . im so STRESSED#my landlord had a landlord moment so we're moving. also this place is getting unbearable#we live near freedom convoy folks and ive been called all sorts of slurs just trying to walk to 7/11 so . idk#maybe the next place will at least have homophobes that aren't as shouty and angry n shit bc GOD. GOD#that one guy that followed me halfway home just yelling slurs like yeah maybe moving out is a blessing in disguise#also this house haa no insulation which is awful in summer and winter#the next place we're going to is more expensive unfortunately but like. its insulated. doesnt have squirrels in the attic. or asbestos.#so uhm yayyy#its in a very secluded farmland area. tbh maybe thats what i need rn bc my physical and mental health arent super sturdy rn#physically feeling a bit bettr tho! just having bubble baths about it <3#i only post now on my priv twit @dykefiend rn#once things are settled ill go back to posting art .#bc i RLLY want to draw my own stuff soon i just gotta work on commissions wnd then start PACKING#genuinely almost cried last night thinking abt how i'll probably be able to see stars at night again#its the outskirts of the city in a rural area. super rundown broken down house but gorgeous yard. all u can hear is wind ans birds#no sirens or yelling or cars!
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Also lol, my dad's wife blocked all of my family on fb and it's soooo funny she did that the week before my dad's burial. Especially when she's the whole reason it's been postponed to 9 fucking months after his death.
#my 6 siblings & i have a group text and today they were all like uhh did she block us all? we can't see her profile anymore#like i already unfriended & blocked her back in june idk why you guys were all still friends w/ her or even care lol#she's never been fb friends w/ my boyfriend so i had him look her up & he can still see her profile so yeah she definitely blocked everyone#like omg is she finally going to leave me & my family the fuck alone???? we haven't had peace since she came along in 1998#she's just not a good person. like pure evil i'm not even joking. she's extremely abusive manipulative & violent#i'm the only one of my siblings that actually had to live w/ her & have her in a parental/guardian role over me for 8 years#my sister moved out once the abusive crap started & the rest of my siblings were adults w/ their own families at the time#she really fucked w/ my head & screwed me up with all her bullshit & i'm finally able to work on processing it all & unlearning all the#fucked up things she did to me so this is why i can't bring myself to attend my dad's burial. i can't allow myself to see her again#she was still trying to play her mind games w/ me in february like this woman will not give it up#anyway good fucking riddance to this bitch lol#p
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once again experiencing grief for a culture i'll never know like o(-( okay then ;-;
#immigrant culture be like. the land i live in is the only home i know but i long for everything i should've been raised with instead#idk my dad made a comment over dinner and it's just. why are the floors vinyl? we belong on concrete. maybe it's just bc today's humid idk#i'm once again in my feelings about everything that wasn't and can never be#the things i only ever got a brief taste of before it was time to leave again#maz rambles
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went on a first date today and saw my last date ACROSS THE STREET AND SHE YELLS "HEY ZAN"
#that was crazy#lowkey knew we were in her area tho shld have been prepared#also wasnt rly sure if today was a date?#we held hands a small bit and slightly flirted but nothing crazy idk was first time meeting#i rly like them but maybe platonicly idek#where i live is so small#anyways blah blah blah this is cringe to post idc#i rly liked them tho i think we r gna go to a rave together in a few weeks!#i think i have only been truly in love once or twice#other relationships were kinda just attractiction/obsession/results from being love bombed#i wanna feel that true connection again#meeting another date possibly this weekend!#we have so much in common i have a feeling i may fall for them very hard#ok just ranting more but#today's date had a very similar face to one of my exes#didn't realize until seeing them in person#kinda caught me off guard a few times maybe another reason why i might wna keep things platonic w them#thqt ex was bad news lol
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