#but the reality is that I (and the rest of the system tbh) am genuinely afraid of other people and the only reason I was functioning before | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

rickie-the-storyteller · 1 year ago

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Happy last STS before Halloween! What scares your characters? Feel free to keep this goofy, silly, fun or go serious and/or dark with it! Whatever Reese's your pieces. (Okay, I was trying to be funny there, but it's just ridiculous. 🤦‍♀️)

Hello, friend! Yes, I am aware of the fact that it's been a week since Halloween lol.

Thanks a bunch for the interesting question! Imma answer it now:

For the Steph's Crew main cast:

Stephanie:

Steph is afraid of a lot of things. She's just not super obvious about it most of the time.

Growing up, she was super scared of spiders (a pretty common fear, I know. But this is something I took from my own life. Everyone in my house hates spiders lol. My younger sister especially!), but she got over it as she got older (same as me. The rest of my family kind of made me the designated spider handler person because I've grown to be so indifferent of their presence haha).

She has nightmares about traumatic events that have happened in her past (e.g. in book 1, there's a lot surrounding her deceased foster sister Melanie. The memories keep haunting her, and the nightmares cause her to vividly relive the moments she left things unresolved with her, as well as the rest of her foster family that she abandoned.

Aside from all that, she also has a fear of abandonment (and loneliness in general). Her past in the foster care system intensifies these fears. She's spent her entire life not feeling wanted or belonging anywhere and has a warped idea of what real love is because she hasn't really experienced a lot of it. I think this is why she makes a lot of the mistakes she makes (like her infidelity in book 2, for instance. Not justifying anything, but her cheating on her spouse feels like her just enjoying the fact that multiple people 'love' her and want her, and getting lost in that feeling of positive attention. For all of that outward confidence she tends to exude, she has a lot of deep insecurities about whether she's truly loveable or not, and whether or not she's truly deserving of happiness. So she constantly sabotages herself... which is a huge part of her arc throughout the series).

Bret:

Bret has the same fear of loneliness that Steph has. He hates feeling like he's alone in the world. This has always been the case with him, but I think losing both his parents may have intensified this fear. He just feels better when he has people to talk to (he's kind of been broken down over the years, mainly due to forces outside his control, but I'd say he's a natural extrovert at heart. This is another thing that contrasts with Elise - known for her kind, sweet and friendly personality, but is a natural introvert at heart and prefers to spend time alone), especially when he deeply loves, trusts and cares about them. I think this is why he clings to El so much throughout the series... she's always been there for him, you know? The thought of her not being there is scary to him. This goes for all his other friends as well to an extent. He's just afraid of losing loved ones tbh.

He also has trust issues and trouble relying on people due to being disappointed one too many times by people he thought he could trust (which is a big part of why he hates his uncle so much lol. Though to give him credit, he genuinely tries to get over his own animosity towards Gordon and give him a chance in the future instalments, especially once Rachel gets back with him).

For a while, he was scared of learning how to drive. People around him took it as him not being bothered to learn how, but in reality, he was always kind of anxious about it for some reason (he could never explain why, but this may also have something to do with his parents. For a long while after their death, he was haunted by the nightmares of the car accident that took his parents' lives, similar to Steph's dreams about Mel).

Elise:

Failing all her exams and not getting into university lol.

Jumpscares in horror films. And just horror films in general (this is another thing that I took from my real life lol).

Getting into a massive fight with her parents and essentially being cut off from her family like her brother was. Now that I'm thinking about it, this could perhaps be why she tries so hard to reach their high expectations of her. And why she tries so hard to be understanding of their rules and get along with them all the time, even when she disagrees with them. She doesn't want to end up like Adam (who is happier now that he has independence, even if he doesn't have a ton of direction in life. But she loves her family and wants to always be connected with them). She doesn't want to lose the close relationships she has.

Dylan:

The dark. Especially when he's alone. (Yet another thing taken from real life lol. I used a nightlight for far too long...)

The fear of the unknown, especially concerning his family's future after his parents' divorce and his mother's upcoming marriage. Nobody knows how life will go, or what the future's going to be. This is interesting, because it kind of relates to Alice's fear (more on that later).

Getting cheated on (it doesn't happen to him, but it's something he mentions to Bret in a conversation in book 2 haha).

Alice:

Injuring herself so badly that she can never dance again.

Being forgotten. You know, since she's always been known for being 'forgettable.'

Falling in love with the wrong person. Never finding her true identity or purpose. Basically, making the wrong choice in life and having to be miserable forever because of it. I think this is a pretty relatable fear... and it's something I've taken from real life as well. My parents are divorced, and my mother struggled a lot during the marriage. That whole thing put a lot into perspective for me - there is so much that could go wrong in life... it's easy to make the wrong choice. You might meet someone who can just turn your whole world upside down (and not in a good way).

Most of all, she's scared that she won't grow to be her own person outside of being a twin. That she will forever be in the shadow of her highly talented twin sister, Mary. Even after Mary dies.

Other characters:

I just thought these ones would be interesting...

Mack (five seconds flat) - Public humiliation.

Eurydice (AU) - Her family finding out where she is.

Zephyr (AU) - The world ending up like how it is in Wall-E.

There we go! Hope this answers your question, @toribookworm22. Thanks again for the ask!

#rickie-the-storyteller #writerblr #character asks #asks #halloween

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blackcoffeeandblankpagess · 5 years ago

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CONGRATS on UO!!!! You have so many people rooting for you! I have one question that’s decently personal so feel free to ignore. When you talk about the last year being tough in your relationship, is it related to living together? Tbh my boyfriend and i have been together for 4 years and are contemplating moving in together. Honestly I’ve been having second thoughts and am wondering how moving in might exacerbate those. I get this is pretty personal so please don’t feel obligated to spill all

omg hello I will always spill personal info to the internet *flips hair*

but really, I feel like people do not talk about the challenges of moving in with your SO enough so,

honestly yeah I’ve had a really tough time with it. again, it’s more about me than Jared. I am an only child and very used to My Space and having things a certain way and having A L O N E T I M E.

So uh yeah moving in together was kinda a shock to the system. Also, here’s the thing right, we knew we were both going back to school in a year so it wasn’t like we thought we were Moving In Together To Start The Rest Of Our Lives Together, so what I’m trying to say is that we didn’t move in together because our relationship was really READY for that, it was just convenient and we knew it was temporary so we didn’t think too hard on it. Also Jared had been abroad last spring so in theory it seemed nice after being apart for months to live together but in reality it was QUITE a transition.

I think one of the biggest issues I have is just not feeling like I have space to call my own. I think if we were actual adults and had like...a house it would be different. In the fall we lived in a 450 sq ft apartment which is SMALL and now we live in like...a garden cottage which sounds whimsical (it is, we named the squirrel that runs by) BUT it’s also small. not that we need a ton of space it just contributes to that feeling of Always Being On Top Of Eachother At All Times And Never Feeling Alone.

Like last year I lived with my best friend but we were roommates who each had our own room....so I had my o w n r o o m to retreat to. But now my room is our room and that is hard! Also because of my mental health probs I really rely on alone time to get my shit together so this makes that more difficult. Jared is insanely understanding and gives me as much space as one can, plus having a little space to sit outdoors is a game changer, but idk it’s still just radically different from anything I’ve ever known.

Also, I think it has been made worse because we work at the same place. So (before covid) we literally went to work together, ate lunch together, drove home together, etc. Our social circles are exactly the same. There was almost never a time one of us was home without the other aside from like...grocery shopping or going for a run. It’s a lot!!! I think if we each had our own separate careers we went off to during the day it would help, it would also give us different human interaction and more to talk about at dinner time lol.

But yes honestly it has mostly been a struggle for me BECAUSE of my brain feeling like it has been on fire all year but I think it’s a change of pace for anyone. I am very introverted, need my space, very organized, etc. which makes it a little trickier but I genuinely think if my brain was like...chill 99% of the stress of living together would go away.

I also think if we had been dating longer and more sure when we decided to move in together it would have been better. I think doubts are totally natural and the best thing to do is to talk about it. But I also don’t want to scare you. There’s a lot of good things about it too and it REALLY depends on your personality. I just personally struggled and I think it’s often easy to romanticize living with your SO so I felt like I was doing something wrong or our relationship was doomed but tbh once I talked to more people (like...older married adult adults) I realized most people have some growing pains when they first move in and that’s natural!

#answered

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snez · 5 years ago

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gonna go ahead and address what’s going on bc i’m being accused of being a rapist lol now. under the cut

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this accusation in and of itself would be fairly funny if not for its seriousness tbh. a couple of things: 1. nobody ‘lured’ anybody, this was a group of friends who had all known each other for years (as anybody who knew any one of us could attest to). the meetup was planned like a year in advance. 2. nobody in this group of friends was sexually involved with anybody else. that was never and still isn’t the nature of any of our friendships. (i AM now dating someone who was present for part of that meetup, but who was not present for the illness stage, for clarity’s sake.) 3. if i’m so nefarious and tricksy and evil, pretty stupid of me to ~deliberately~ get people sick right as the trip was ending and everybody was going home, yeah? if that was something within my control why wouldn’t i have done it at the start of the trip so i could (apparently) jack off over it? 4. i gotta address the biological reality of this. if i did this on purpose, how the fuck would i have procured cold viruses in order to pull this off? plus i sure as hell wouldn’t have gotten sick on purpose because i have asthma and my immune system is hot garbage and at least 50% of the time when i catch a cold it turns into bronchitis. not worth being that sick to get my sexual kicks. (also i wasn’t even the first person who got sick, so, lmao). like what even are the logistics of this scenario. you can’t get sick on command, how would i have engineered a situation in which i conveniently was sick at the exact same time people were planning to visit? i’m not like that weirdo on the forum with a 90-page thread detailing all of her doorknob-licking escapades 5. tbh, this part is just funny, but im pretty sure I WAS LITERALLY THE ONLY ONE WHO SNEEZED THE ENTIRE TIME ANYBODY WAS VISITING US, LMFAOOOOOOO

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i’m pissed off that i got roped into responding to this bc of how stupid it is tbh, but again, that... literally didn’t happen. here’s a screenshot from my blog about what happened, taken at the time (link to screenshot, link to post for those of you i haven’t blocked lmao). people didn’t say anything about it while we were all here bc again, none of us have sexual relationships with each other and it felt awkward to address? we don’t discuss our own sneezing/illness/allergies with each other except in a very clinical and detached way. maybe youre trying to fuck all of your friends (if you have any, which i doubt) all the time (which i’m sure you would if you had any) but the rest of us are like. capable of having relationships with other people with the fetish that aren’t inherently sexually charged. you’re probably not, so i guess your projection here makes sense from your perspective, but it’s fucking moronic from everybody else’s.

and WTF do you mean “that’s 100% false”? the fact that i knew them for years, the fact that they’re my friends? it wasn’t a “bunch of sneezing fetish community people,” it was friends i’ve known for forever. are you genuinely disputing this? and if so, what is your proof that i convinced a bunch of relative strangers to travel to me (on their own dime) and then groomed them into performing sex acts for me? like... you’re literally just making shit up

also, you didn’t call SHIT out you fucking idiot, the post you made was clearly made in wistful jealousy? if you were actually trying to “call me out” and point out how morally grey my supposed actions were then why the fuck didn’t you make that clear with the post? either you’re lying (this is the case, obviously) or you suck shit at addressing community concerns

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i thought your chosen name was public knowledge, tbh. you used it in the discord and for some reason i thought you used it on tumblr in general. that’s my bad, i apologize. i also found it odd that someone signed that message with their name, but like... figured i couldn’t blame anybody who wanted to put as much distance between you and them as possible. seems pretty reasonable to me.

plus that’s not what doxxing is. maybe google it.

also, sorry to say, but i didn’t claim you were guilty of misgendering. you just straight up are.

proof:

this was right after i banned you from the discord. i have not used she pronouns for as long as i’ve been on sneeze tumblr. nice try, though.

speaking of that, actually, why were you so sad about being removed from the discord, anyway? since it was after you’d discovered me to be a dangerous sexual predator?

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hmm. really perplexing. let’s move on.

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honestly the only reason im including this screenshot is bc it’s funny. none of the people i’ve supposedly victimized are even following you (because everybody with a brain on sneeze tumblr thinks youre creepy) so how would they ever see this post unless they were following me? dumbass

also, if the intent of this post was to call me out for being a rapist, why say that “a bunch of people” were “teasing” the discord about it? if it was so non-consensual and as traumatizing as you’ve implied in your post why did people talk about it at all after the fact, let alone joke about it?

anyway, here’s (link) another screenshot from my blog talking about the insanely creepy and jealous posts you made about our meetup. i don’t have links to those handy (wouldn’t be surprised if you deleted them in light of all of this tbh), but like... this post was 100000% about you.

and hey, just for a little flavor, i made a little collage about you, with screenshots taken from multiple discord servers:

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this is like, barely scraping the surface of shit people think about you. (and there are ten separate people in these screenshots.)

when you accuse someone of something as serious as rape the onus is on you to actually prove it. you have proven literally nothing. the only ‘evidence’ you have is that people got sick when we had a meetup a couple of years ago and talked about it on tumblr briefly. like what the fuck is wrong with you lol.

one last thing (i think?) that i want to address:

normally i’m extremely hesitant to refer to a trans woman as a freak or accuse them of being a sexual predator, for obvious reasons, but your behavior (behavior i haven’t actually addressed here bc i don’t have the energy -- hitting on snezblr people, interacting inappropriately with vanilla posts) really confirms it, tbh. it’s very obvious that i struck a nerve when i speculated that the reason you won’t share who you were on the blue forum is because you’re a sexual predator -- with that context it makes perfect sense that you’d flip that on its head and accuse me of being a rapist. that’s actually a classical abuse tactic (one i’ve had used against me in other contexts), and in this case is extremely transparent.

this shit is just beyond parody. anyway, like... burn in hell or something, i guess

#rape cw

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bellamygateoldblog · 5 years ago

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the 100 ofc!

— this gets a little rant-y and may or may not be coherent- currently pulling an all-nighter and it’s literally 5am- that’s it. That’s my excuse.

all time favourite character

IDK man IDK…I wanna say Jasper, maybe Raven

a character I didn’t used to like but do now

I’ll stick Octavia in this one. I actually did like her at first, then i didn’t then i did then i didn’t then i

a character i used to like but now don’t

[ insert every single character here ] Clarke and Bellamy. Clarke lost me very early season 3 and Bellamy is dead to me as of season 6. I’m throwing Miller in here- when he was that delinquent that wears the beanie I could go for that, but now i’m just straight up annoyed by his presence and want him to go away forever. My reluctant liking of Abby turned sour pretty fast, too. Arming a group of children and sending them out into a warzone to find your daughter, then abandoning them once she’s back is really SOMETHING. And hitting Raven while she’s acting Chancellor…i should beat your ass, Abby

a character i’m indifferent about

Wells: poor treatment of MoC and very valid anger aside, truely I don’t see the facination and borderline obsession fandom has with the character himself- he barely existed. Are you all in love with the idea of him, rather? Or the guy from the book? He was literally in this thing for three episodes, we never actually knew him, nor was he even given the chance to develop or have any sort of story. I see so so much hate about Echo and her lack of development and yet in the same breath y’all are talking about missing Wells and oh what a wonderful character he was. Spare me. He was a character full to the brim with potential and unfortunately that’s all he’ll ever be.

Anya and Lexa, too. I don’t really have opinions formed on either of them, nor do I really care to

a character who deserved better

I mean with that minor Wells rant aside and half a step into my hypocrisy boots…Wells did. Lol. I think he absolutely deserved better than to be killed off in order to push a white woman’s story forwards. I think he deserved better than to have been all about Clarke, his entire character about serving her character, even in death. This show has a history of criminally underusing/sideling/killing their most compelling characters, i think Wells would’ve been such a fun addition to the main band, i wonder how his personality would’ve expanded, what could his arcs have looked like? i think about how his dynamics would form and fair, what might he think of Clarke now?

Jasper deserved better than to have become a nihilist’s wet dream. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing, i really do. The creators, some of the fans even, chat about how it’s a gritty reality, sometimes it’s just Like That, and in some ways that’s absolutely right, but in a show of such loss to have this bleak ending for a character like this is just…a bit of an overkill? What’s wrong with hopeful endings? I mean we literally already had a similar scenario occur with Luna a mere episode(s) before. A woman who strives for nothing more than peace loses her faith in humanity and so fights for death. Why they felt the need to kick a dead horse by doing the same thing with Jasper is beyond me.

Listen many character have demonstrated suicidal tendancies at some point or another: Clarke, Murphy, Bellamy, Octavia, Harper and so on, but Jasper is the only one that gets the actual suicide? The character who’s canon mental illness has been more on the explicit and expressed side, the first victim of the ground, the very character who we’ve watched struggle his way through four seasons with an inconsistent or otherwise absent support system, his story ended with suicide. It’s devastating and, frankly, disrespectful. As if he was too far gone to find his way back into the light.

We saw clearly Monty’s reactions to Jasper’s death, but we didn’t see him grieve- he was busy rushing to survive the end of the world. This show loves sidestepping the consiquences of big events they write- there’s always a new threat to face which means everyone gets to move on abnormally quickly. Nobody asked about Jasper in Becca’s lab, we never actually saw anyone except for Clarke find out about this, nobody in the bunker either, not Octavia, and no mentions of Jasper in season five besides Monty begging him to be wrong about humanity. This show isn’t great with handling their deceased either. They want to focus on a fresh plot and not be stuck dragging around that dead weight. Finn isn’t mentioned in relation to Raven despite his importance to her story and of the fact this specific death shook the whole show. Wells’ has been removed from memory despite Clarke being the protagonist who we should know most intimately. I feel most detached from her, honestly. We’ve had a fair amount of Lincoln, though, and a consistantly aggressive reaffirmal of Lexa’s existence. But Jasper just isn’t here. He isn’t talked about. Jasper suffered, and Monty was right there in front of him trying to hand him that peaceful life he always dreamed of, ready to lift him (literally) out of that pain, and he died. Harper got to change her mind last minute, so did Raven, but not Jasper, no, his body went up in flames with the rest of it. The way they filmed the scene was gut-wrenching because of the hopelessness and coldness of it all. And i think he deserved to be spacekru, to heal somewhat up there, and oh what fun would he have been in season five. What would he be like now? What would he think of what became of everyone else? Of Clarke and of Octavia? Again, such wasted potential.

Jasper was one of The 100 on a show named after them, his death brought that to 4, and i can’t emphasise to you enough how big a mistake it was to craft a show around a certain group of people and then abandon that idea entirely. Your show is named something that it isn’t even about!!

Lexa deserved a more respectful death.

Bellamy deserved better than to be murdered brutally by the writers during season 6.

a ship i’ve never been able to get into

Bellarke. Braven. Murven. Clexa. Wicken/Ravick(?). Octabriel. Kabby

a ship i’ve never been able to get over

Becho. Memori. Jasper and Octavia were very sweet

a cute, low-key ship

Linctavia. It was always more of a background ‘ship’ for me. And Marper!

an unpopular ship but i still enjoyed it

Becho and Murphamy

a ship that was totally wrong and never should’ve happened

Flarke

my favourite storyline/moment

favourite storyline(s): delinquents finding a way to live on the ground and mount weather!

Favourite moment: i don’t think i have one TBH

my first thoughts on the show

It was exactly what i was looking for; a post-apoc teen drama, a little corny, a little gritty. I enjoyed season 1, and then 2, but with the constantly rising stakes to absolutely obscene levels eventually, my interest dwindled. By season 4 there was an almost desolate feeling and all the potential this had was dead and buried. They could’ve gone so many ways, done so much more, but for reasons unknown they chose possibly the weirdest and least interesting route available. I really thought they’d exhausted all their story by the end of 4 and i was, of course, absolutely correct since s5 was…more of the same…a literal recycled storyline that had been done not once but twice before it. In season 1 and then again in season 2. Since joining tumblr and fandom and seeing things from a various new angles, reading of social implications and meta on how sections of the writing are flawed, i’ve crafted a more informed and complex opinion than i had as a casual viewer and now see most aspects of the show in a completely different light.

my thoughts now

I’m over it. I think it could be safe to say i hate what it became. Most of my opinions of it now are negative, or at the very least have a critical component to them. I haven’t genuienly enjoyed it since season four and it hasn’t been actually decent since season two. It has a lot of deeper issues engrained into it’s writing, and there was a before when you could criticise those choices and obvious flaws and still be able to enjoy the show as it’s own entity because it existed as one at that time. But now it feels like an empty shell void of all life. With how broken and goofy the writing has become i just can’t take it seriously anymore. Characterisation and consistency have been thrown out in favour of serving the plot many many times before, but season 6 brought this to a whole new low. Dialogue was clumsy and there was a LOT of information dumping, it focused much too heavily on new characters nobody cared about, things were swinging from one extreme to another in terms of character arcs (see: Octavia’s full redemption and transformation basically overnight, and Bellamy switching from set to commit genocide in Clarke’s honour and ‘[we let these people die because] it’s not my fault their delusional’ to ‘let’s do better for Monty i am suddenly King of morality’) and in relationships (see: Bellamy instantly forgiving Clarke and then abandoning everyone and everything to save her, meanwhile he’s demonising Octavia like he’s getting paid for it). The characters just aren’t people anymore, they’re wheels that move the plot forward (in any way that’s required regardless of whether or not it’s actually in line with canon), and let’s not even talk about the science that pushes the envelope too far and Clarke’s insane plot armour. I’ve beaten this rant to death at this point so I won’t get any more into it. But just know: what was once a genuine fondness of this show has turned poisonous since.

#the 100 #rosie tag: share with the group #tw suicide #anti tag: clarke griffin #the 100: we ask we answer #the100meta

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ask-svt-hearteu · 7 years ago

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Mafia! Woozi

Anon requested: “ since it’s our jihoonie’s birthday today, can i request a mafia!au for out vobo? hehe i just saw that requests are open & i got rly excited !! 💗💗 — daydreaming anon (hbd woozi i love you sO MUCH) “

Word Count: 3679

you never thought you’d be here

3:58am on a Saturday in one of the most heavily protected buildings in the entire city

hooking up your sad $535 laptop and praying to whoever runs the universe

that you’ll be able to go home and eat breakfast in time

as is the life of a hacker

a professional top-of-the-line hacker for hire

too bad the government hasn’t noticed your talent yet

or you would be working for the good guys

but you’re working for whoever helps pay the rent now

and if you take down some corrupt businesses while you’re working for the mob

who cares

that’s enough vigilante justice for you

honestly you’d think that one of the most powerful companies in the city would know better than to have such weak protection for their systems

you shake your head as you smirk and carefully unplug your laptop

done

easiest $30,000 dollars of your life

the company had been known to “donate” a percentage of their revenue back into the city

things like feeding and housing the homeless

or ensuring kids go to school and aren’t on the streets

but in reality they were pocketing all of it

and come morning

you would have just exposed their asses

climbing back out the vent you came through

you shouldered the backpack with your laptop

and crawled until you reached the building’s service entrance

dropping down you were fully intending to walk casually straight out the building

until you felt your arm jerk as you were roughly pulled behind a wall

“What the fu-“

the person who did it covered your mouth roughly

and your eyes widened as you saw one of the guards walk by

you silently cursed at yourself for not monitoring the CCTV system

you had assumed hacking into it was fine

but you forgot to check the guard’s positioning

after he passed you turned back to the person who had just saved your ass

“Thanks I guess.”

he didn’t say anything but gave you a sideways glance and shrugged as he pulled out a definitely more expensive and way better laptop than yours

as he connected it to one of the computers in the room

“Who are you btw?” You asked eyeing him suspiciously

he smirked

“What’s it to you?” he replied quietly

it almost sounded like he was teasing you

“Sorry if you got offended at me trying to be polite.” You scoff annoyed

who was this guy?

he had jet black hair

and was not super tall from what you could see

but when he turned back to look at you

your breath caught in your throat

“You broke into a high security building to clumsily hack into a system and expose their lies, I don’t think manners are our top priority right now.” he answered looking straight into your eyes

you stared blankly in shock

“How did you...?” how did he know?

“Regardless I’m here to undo it.”

you watched as he clicked shut his laptop and faced you

“The fuck! I’m getting paid, what am I supposed to tell my client?” you said

he smirked again as he packed up his laptop

“There are better ways to expose this company.”

and with that he disappeared

like legit

gone poof

he walked found his escape route before you even had time to process what he meant

you blinked and he was gone

when you finally returned to your apartment when the sun came up

and clicked on the tv

the news was playing

“-donates half of their entire yearly revenue to creating shelters for the homeless...”

your jaw dropped

while you had wanted to expose to the media this company’s lies

whoever that guy was last night

had transferred over half of the entire company’s revenue

in the five minutes he had spent saving you from lifetime in prison

who the fuck was he?

his name was Lee Jihoon

and honestly did he ever think he’d have to deal with other hackers even close to his caliber?

nope

but you had broken through into the company’s servers in record times

he was intrigued

and more than a bit competitive

“Jeonghan, you think you could look up someone for me?” he asked walking into Svt’s main meeting room

Jeonghan was hunched over some papers planning the next job no doubt

without looking up, Jeonghan said

“That’s like asking if I like taking naps Jihoon, who do you think I am? All I need is a name-”

“I don’t have her name yet.”

Jeonghan raised an eyebrow swiveling in his chair to face Jihoon

his blue prints and detailed plans fluttering at the sudden movement

“Her?” Jeonghan questioned, teasing smile on his lips

“I can’t work with you.” Jihoon rolled his eyes while walking off to find Seungcheol

“WAIT WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘HER’?!?!?” Jeonghan yelled after him smiling

Jihoon had joined Seungcheol’s team a while ago

one of the original members

but the others didn’t really know about him at first

because he kept to himself

usually tinkering with gadgets in his own office in the Svt complex

overlooking the city

overlooking their territory

he also may have held up a gun to Soonyoung’s head when Soonyoung tried to touch him

jokingly

or so everyone would like to think XD

one time Seungkwan had lost a bet to the others

and was dared to go into Jihoon’s office

-just to try to learn more about this teammate they didn’t see much of

but they got caught

and Seungcheol was scolding them until Jihoon walked out and told them to just order dinner and call it done

and tbh although this cold mafia hacker didn’t easily trust people

that one night where he got to sit down with the whole gang for a meal finally

and although he would never admit it

after being around the whole gang for years

he trusted them with his life

one of the best hackers hands down

sometimes jokingly gets called the cyber shadow

bc he’s Svt’s hidden member

doesn’t go out in the field for most missions

but has a hand in planning, masterminding, and orchestrating the whole thing

didn’t like going out for any jobs anyway

that is until he had the proper motivation to

you quietly slunk through the security room

attaching your USB to the main computer

uploading the code that would shut off alarms for an hour or until you turned it back on

this job was easy

stop the security system long enough to allow your client to rob the facility

once the system was down you called the client

“Yea the systems are down.”

and you leaned back in your chair to monitor the camera systems as your client gang snuck into the facility

“Honestly thought you’d be some social justice warrior but it looks like you’re in this for money.”

you nearly fell out of the chair at the sound of that voice

one you’d never forget

“You!” You pointed at the guy you met that night

he had entered the security room quietly behind you and was leaning against the wall

“Yep it’s me.” He smirked setting down a bag

his black hair tousled lightly and hidden behind his hoodie

he might be considered cute or good looking maybe

ahem even though he’s totally not your type

“I mean I do what I do for money too, but I’m surprised you play dirty also.” He laughed taking out a laptop

“What are you doing here?” You say cutting straight to the point

“While you’re helping this small gang live for another day, I’m helping kings grow an empire.”

his smirk was really starting to make your heart flutter annoy you

“and so you’re here because...?” you ask rolling your eyes

“There’s access to the servers from this security room since the facility houses both companies.”

you snort

“You’re trying to hack the credit loan company next door?” You try to hold back giggles

what kind of kings, please you think sarcastically

here you were stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars and he was trying to hack a credit loan company

“Information is much more valuable than money sometimes, a big drug smuggler wired money through this place and I want to know how much.” He shrugs

“Speaking of information...” he says turning to walk right up to your chair

you’re taken back as he walks right up in your face

“What’s your name?” He asks placing a hand on either side of your chair

his weight being balanced on his hands resting on the arm rests of your chair

his eyes inches from yours

“I don’t kiss and tell.” you say not backing down from his stare

it was hard breathing with him so close

he smiled

“Let’s trade info then.” He laughed, “a name for a name.”

“How can I trust you?” You saying tilting your head

he steps back from you finally giving you room to breathe again

“You can’t trust me, but I promise that I actually do keep my word... sometimes”

you looked at him trying to decipher his words

he looked like that joking smirk was forever an aspect of his face

but in his eyes

you thought you saw something genuine

curiosity maybe

or something else

“Fine, my name is y/n.” You give in, “but maybe I’m lying or maybe I’m not.”

“I’m Lee Jihoon.” He said breaking out into a smile before continuing his hacking

at that moment your phone vibrated indicating your clients were done with the job

Jihoon was still bent over his laptop typing away

you thought about his adorable smirk and how it made your heart skip a beat

and you blushed, flustered that he showed you up last time

but this time you’d be the last one laughing

you unhooked your USB that had been preventing the alarms from going off and ignored the warning window

and that was when the security room’s alarms started blaring making Jihoon jump

“Well hate to run while we were having so much fun,” you smirk, “but good luck explaining this to the cops.”

you ran out the room right as the doors locked behind you

as you looked back at him after getting into the car

rather than angry he looked exasperated

and slightly impressed maybe?

you drove off before the police really did appear

“SHE AHAHAHAHA SHE AHAHAHA LOCKED THE ROOM AHAHAHAHA.” Mingyu was dying on the ground laughing

“I swear I might actually shoot you.” Jihoon said blushing

“You have to admit she got you.” Joshua said bringing Jihoon a cup of cola and hiding a smile

“SHE FREAKING LOCKED HIM IN THE SECURITY ROOM!” Mingyu howled

“Wow she must be something.” Jeonghan chuckled, “When was the last time you were caught off-guard, Jihoon? I can’t remember that ever happening.”

“Luckily you got out before the cops showed.” Seungcheol smiled patting Jihoon on the back

they were all having a tad bit too much with the situation

“She must not know who she’s messing with.” Minghao said before getting up

“So tell me her name.” Jeonghan snickered

“Y/n.” Jihoon said done with everyone

“I’ll have her file to you by midnight.” with that the gang dispersed, leaving Jihoon to wonder

what kind of person are you?

you had a lot more run-ins with “Lee Jihoon” after that night in the security room

whether you were out doing little jobs or big ones

he always seemed to know where you were

“Are you following me?” you asked him one night

the both of you were at city hall

you were trying to get into the mayor’s financial plans, info that would sell

and he was connecting to the police line

“Why would I do that?” he retorted

it was dark so you didn’t see him blushing

but he had indeed followed you here

he wasn’t sure what it was

but you had not only intrigued him and caught his attention

but Jeonghan had been unable to dig up anything on you

which was almost impossible

Jeonghan knew how to get anything on anyone

and so Jihoon was here to find out info the old fashion way

talking

“You seem too smart of a person to be a criminal.” he began looking over your shoulder at the laptop you were working on

“So do you.” you respond ducking out from next to him to continue working

“I’m not a genius, but I think that if you’re not the best at something, you’ll always put more effort into it.” he shrugged

you clicked your laptop shut

“Wanna go get coffee?” you said suddenly

he looked up in surprise

“What?!”

“It’s almost 5am, and from running into you consistently these past few days, I realized I never thanked you for saving me from that guard. I’m not sorry about the security room thing though, that was funny.” you laughed, “but I’m going to go get coffee and if you want I’ll buy you a cup too, that way we’re even.”

“I don’t see how coffee makes us even.” he snorted

“Fine I’m leaving then.” you briskly turned around and started walking

you hear him jog to catch up to you and fall into step next to you

“Coffee is better than nothing i suppose.”

over a cup of coffee the two of you talked a bit

“So where did you learn how to hack?” you ask

“Are we close enough to be asking those kinds of questions?” he responded taking a sip of his coffee

“I suppose not.” you looked down disappointed

you weren’t sure about Jihoon

you two had met under dangerous circumstances

and you didn’t know enough about the guy to suddenly start liking him

but every time his eyes met yours

or whenever you watched him swiftly hacking into something

fingers flying over the keyboard the way a pianist’s fingers played the piano

you couldn’t help the feeling of awe and curiosity

who was he?

Jihoon coughed

“How about we start with what we do for a living?” he laughed, “I think that’s enough for now.”

so you told him a bit about being a hacker for hire

nothing really interesting

besides living

that’s all there was to it

you were just living your life one job at a time

he sighed

“I think I understand.” he looked out the window

“I was like that too until I found the others.” he stirred his cup before downing it

“Others?” you ask

“My friends, I guess you’d call them.”

you pursed your lips

“Don’t you know what friends are?” you asked in return

“I don’t really trust people you know, occupational hazard.” he chuckled

you understood

people too often stab you in the back when you’re doing this kind of job

it was hard to find anyone to trust

his phone buzzed

and you watched as he picked it up

“Looks like I gotta go.” he smiled, “It was actually kind of fun to see how normal people live out of the shadows.”

you nodded in agreement

“It was also nice talking to you.” you said reaching out to shake his hand, “Hopefully our next few run-ins can be on more friendly terms.” you laugh

he reaches for your hand

gently, as his hand takes yours

and as he pulls you closer to him

“Stay safe.” he says gently into your ear

and then he’s gone

you sit frozen in your spot at what just happened and look over at his empty cup

on the cup are nine letters scrambled up

you stare at it recalling him writing it on his cup when he was talking with you

and you realized

it’s his number

you pick up the cup, unconsciously smiling

and go home

you don’t see him the next few nights

heck for the whole week you don’t

you half-expected him to melt out of the shadows with a smirk on his face and some teasing comment about your hacking abilities

but he wasn’t around

it was more than a bit worrying

you had his number and you were tempted to call

but could you?

you shook your head as you made your way out that night for your next job

the client had been a bit of a mystery

they called using a disposable phone which wasn’t uncommon

except they also used voice modulation

suspicious perhaps but you were getting paid

you walked up to the address they had left

a small office building

and climbed in through a window

gently setting your things down you were about to begin when

the whole world went dark

and suddenly the smell of chloroform made the world feel dizzying as you slowly closed your eyes

when you woke up

your head hurt and everything felt upside down

but more than that

what greeted your vision first

was the appearance of a gun

pointed right at you

“You’re up.”

the voice was rough and you felt like throwing up at the sound of it

“Yea I’m up you freaking asses, what the fuck do you want?”

“We require your services.”

“Then go through the proper channels and pay me you pricks.” you said trying to keep clam

the gun was raised

“Is this enough payment?’ the voice said indicating the gun

“Whatever, let’s just get this done.” you took deep breaths

not that this hasn’t happened before

but you had never had a gun so close in your face

and it was terrifying to think you might not see the sun rise today

you pulled up to the desk of the room the men were in

and turned on the computer as they watched you

whoever had programmed the firewall for the servers knew what they were doing

you were nearly stumped

until you remembered something Jihoon had done that night in the security room

why did he come up in your thoughts now?

you remembered him telling you to stay safe

and looking at the guys with bullets ready to be fired at you

your eyes started tearing up

you know how these things go

as soon as you were done, you were dead

“Hurry it up.”

you opened the files on the computer and looked through some of it

a lot were mainly book stuff

how much this group was getting paid and when the latest orders for weapons were coming in

you assumed that whoever you were hacking, they must be a competing gang to the men currently holding you captive

you looked deeper into the files until you stumbled across a peculiar file

in it were names

“Yoon Jeonghan” you read to yourself

“likes napping and stealing my cola mostly, overall a good person to talk to”

“Hong Jisoo” you read the next file

“quiet and also not quiet, good listener.” you were curious

what kind of files were these?

and then one file popped up

“Y/n L/n.” you held your breath

“likes coffee at five am in the morning”

you knew who the computer belonged to

a bang on the door jolted you from the files

“Fuck!” the men scrambled to brace themselves as the door blew open

you took cover under the desk as you heard bullets going off and yelling

maybe this was all just a bad nightmare

you closed your eyes and silently listed off numbers

a hand gently took yours and you opened your eyes

Jihoon was there with the most adorable and relieved smile on his face

“Well, had I know you were coming to visit me today, I would have bought coffee.” he pulled you up into his arms and gently walked you out the room

“Don’t mind the guns and stuff, I’m sure you’re not all too curious about the guys that tried to kill you.” he said

you heard an edge to his voice but didn’t look at your surroundings until he had lead you to a separate room with a couch

sitting down with you, it finally hit you

you’re not dying today

you were shaking as he gently placed his arms around you

“I’m surprised you broke through my firewall, guess I have to fix that as soon as possible.” he chuckled wrapping you up in his arms

“The frick Jihoon.” you laughed smacking his arm, “I almost died and exposed your identity and you’re concerned about your firewall?”

“Well yea.” he smiled, “And I’m trying not to bash their heads in but Seungcheol said that would require a lot of clean up in the morning and I’m not down for that.”

you weren’t sure if he was joking or not

“Kidding, kidding, they’re all ok and currently being dropped off at the police station with a note that says ‘courtesy of your friendly neighborhood mafia’.”

“I still have no idea if you’re joking or not Jihoon.”

“Let’s just pretend I’m serious then.” he said as you both started laughing

“I’m just glad you’re safe.” you said blushing at hearing your own words

“Why wouldn’t I be, you were the one in trouble here y/n”

“I could have taken them.”

“Sure sure.” he smiled

“Listen, I’m not letting you out of my sight again. I genuinely thought that perhaps it’d be safer for you without interacting with me, but this situation only proved that I can’t let you go anywhere by yourself.” he said turning to face you

“So stay here with me will you?” his eyes looked gently into yours

“I-”

“We have high speed internet and netflix.” he laughed “If you’re interested.”

“So I’d have to live with the mafia?” you asked raising an eyebrow

“No you’re just living in our territory and that way I can see you more often.” he shrugged

“Ok but only if the netflix thing is for sure.” you laugh

and you’re surprised as he gently presses his lips against yours

the scent of something floral and citrusy warming you as his gentle lips kissed yours

“As long as you’re here with me.” he said

MASTERLIST

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agent-houdini · 7 years ago

Text

Drowned | pt. 1

in which i revisit this but... with lies and lessons.

here’s your major warning for drowning, and ptsd?? tbh because i am sorry, whiskey, but you’re gonna get broken.

part one of two.

Houdini was... a secret, to say the least.

A secret weapon, a secret lover --

Well, not that much of a secret. Not with the way Whiskey looked at her. Champ could read it a mile away.

It was why he had to address something... very seriously.

"Agent Houdini --" he started, that usual half-smile on his face as he leaned back in his chair.

Houdini had warmed up to Champagne in the last year, despite most of her instincts telling her that he'd leave at some point or another.

"I have something that.. may be of importance for you."

"Huh?" Her nose wrinkled. She wasn't sent off on fancy missions, nor requested for fieldwork. She quite liked her office views and training lessons for agents new and old, and her days of surveillance were usually rather relaxing.

"I need you to help us with the new recruits."

"Don't I already do that?" Houdini tilted her head, hands in her back pockets. Champ chuckled; she looked like she could be his daughter with the streaks of grey popping through her hair. Whiskey would about die if he heard his boss admit that.

"I did a little diggin' on ya, seems to me you used to be a lifeguard?"

She nodded; it was a job before things really turned sour in her life, before college and before... well...

"You need someone to watch the pool for their training? My cert's outta date but --"

"I know you didn't go through their training, but there's something we do a bit differently at Statesman. I'm surprised Whiskey hasn't told you about it yet, it's his favorite test for the large group," Champ explained, sitting up in his chair. "But we do a bit of teambuildin' with our large group. It's nice to shock them into workin' together."

"Explain, sir."

Champ chucked at the formality. "We do a bit of drownin'. Not real drowning, that would just be bad publicity. No one would ever want to join their ranks if someone died every time we went looking for new recruits. An' I understand that you used to do that sort of thing during your lifeguarding."

Houdini paled slightly; yes, she pretended to drown, but... "I was fully conscious the entire time."

"Don't sweat that part. We usually used one of our Seal friends, but seems to me they've been called away for their own work and can't help out. Ginger watches your vitals the entire time, you will never - and I mean, never - be in harm's way," he explained, elbows leaning against the desk. "I just know out of everyone in this entire organization, you're our best candidate."

She blinked for a moment; for once, Champ confirmed that she was good at what she did. Houdini nodded, chewing on her lip as Champ smiled softly.

"I don't mean to press you. But the timing falls just right; and don't you worry about Jack. I'll take care of him personally."

Houdini's paled face soon turned tomato-red; clearly, the secret was out. Champ had, in reality, known for months with the way Jack wouldn't shut up about their new 'find' and how she managed to drive herself into being better at just about everything.

"I -- uh --" she stammered, biting into her cheek.

"Don't you worry about a thing. If you're comfortable, go meet with Ginger down in the training center. She'll go over everything with you. I'll go make sure our Silver Pony gets taken out for a ride." Champ grinned, placing his hat back on his head.

Houdini nodded and scrambled out, her cheeks hot as she made her way towards the training center. Hopefully, Champ did mean he'd take care of things with Whiskey... if he found out she'd be drowning, well...

"Darlin'! There you are. I was lookin' for you, what --" Whiskey said, bending down to press a kiss to Houdini's lips after checking the hallway was clear.

"Champ said he needed you for something!" she said, pulling back.

"I know, that's why I'm headin' this way, but what's the rush?" His thumb stroked her cheek and she felt her heart hiccup in her chest.

"He said it was urgent you saw him, that's why. I don't know much, only that it may be a day or two," Houdini said, looking rather worried. She hated lying to Jack but.. it was for his own good. He panicked enough when she was going out for surveillance.

"What? It didn't sound so urgent to me..." he objected, thumb still stroking gentle circles into her cheek.

"You should go see what it's about, Jack. I gotta go check on that video file I asked Ginger for." Houdini hopped up and pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek, her hand lingering against his forearm before skipping down the hallway.

Whatever Champ told Houdini wasn't sitting right with Whiskey.

In just under an hour, Houdini and Ginger had crafted an identity, a background, and even a file within the Statesman computer system as a potential trainee.

"This way, everyone else involved will know," Ginger said, and Houdini nodded in agreement. "Speaking of knowing. Did you want to be alerted when the water would be rising?"

"No. I want to have as much of a genuine reaction as possible. Me knowing would just make things seem suspicious if someone in there knows what to look for," Houdini said, shaking her head.

"You're giving these recruits way too much credit, but I know you'll be fine. We monitor trainee vitals anyway, so there won't be any reason to hide the tracker."

"Great! I'll go pack a bag --"

"No need, we provide everything for trainees. You just get to pick a color..." Ginger chuckled, "though I assume it'll be purple?"

"You know me so well."

"Listen, I'll be back sometime tomorrow night. Champ just wants me to fly out towards some area in Montana. Eastwood will keep you company tonight, okay?" Whiskey said, practically shouting over the sounds of the hangar.

"I've told you a thousand times. I'll be fine." Houdini retorted, putting her hands on her hips.

"Make sure you don't go too hard on those new recruits!" Whiskey added, chuckling.

"I don't see them for a few weeks, Jack. Be safe."

"See you soon."

With the chatter around them, the couple quickly shared a goodbye kiss hidden behind the wings of the Silver Pony.

Houdini prayed he'd be back after everything was said and done.

"Good evening, everyone. My name is Ginger Ale, and welcome to Statesman. You have been selected to be among the best in our nation, to serve and fight the unknown. This training will not be easy - for some of you, it may even mean death. Remember what got you here, your drive, and you will be successful. But know, only one of you can take the title of Agent Vodka..."

Ginger greeted the agents with a persona that felt right at home, her high-tech clipboard tucked under her arm. The expectations, as well as the procedures for failure, were also swiftly explained. Recruits of different backgrounds, ages and clearly from across the country relaxed as soon as Ginger left the room, moving to unpack their given belongings.

"Quite the techie they've got --"

"I think the term is Quartermaster?"

"Oh, so like Q! I knew this place was James Bonds-y when we got here..."

Houdini had to restrain herself with her reply; "I think what you're looking for is Mission Impossible."

"You think they've got masks? I'm sure they have to, I mean, it is --"

The few male agents discussing what agency Statesman was most like were cut off by Ginger's voice over the loudspeaker.

"Wake-up is at 0700 tomorrow. Be ready for anything!"

Houdini chuckled at how cheery Ginger sounded.

Morning came as quickly as the rest of the day had gone; Houdini wondered where Whiskey had flown off to and when he'd turn back around. Hopefully, it'd be another full day - late at night - when he would return. The recruits went off running as a warmup before heading to the firing range. In the back of her mind, she wondered when Ginger would trigger the button. While they were sleeping seemed to be the best case and really get them by surprise...

It wasn't until after lunch, when they were handed books and binders, did the other recruits quiet down. Tim, Jared, and David seemed to be unable to keep their mouths quiet about the theories and themselves. Amanda and Imani, two of the four female recruits, organized a small circle and welcomed Houdini into it, binders and books surrounding them.

"I think we should stick together. We all seem to have a good set of skills and good heads on our shoulders," Amanda smiled, glancing over at the group of three men.

"I think they're all former Marines. That's why they found themselves so easily," Imani commented, shaking her head.

"Well, let's get reading. I'd feel better getting a chunk of this work out of the way," Houdini smiled, opening her own copies as the other women agreed.

Whiskey, speeding along in the Silver Pony, noted some odd markings on his map along with some curious radio chatter. Something about 'Eden's Gate' continuously repeated, as if a warning. He quickly called it in before being given the command from headquarters to turn back; the phrase seemed questionable according to the few in the command station. It pinged a few searches with even more questionable material; Whiskey hummed to himself as a chill slipped down his spine.

"Good t'know, folks. Be sure to send Champ this info. Whiskey, out."

Ginger watched from the control room, tapping away at her clipboard. It was past dinner, and many of the agents were winding down in their beds. The day seemed to take a toll on them, meaning it was nearly time.

"Champagne, sir, we've got a message for you pertaining the work you sent Agent Whiskey out for?" One of the radio comms said, paging in from the control tower.

"Go ahead."

"We're clearing him for landing now. We tried to reach you earlier, but that Montana business is much messier than expected. Key phrase 'Eden's Gate' popped up over radio chatter multiple times. Seemed better to return than to engage in their airspace."

"Keep him away from the training center. That is an order."

"Ginger, we've got a situation --" Champ had paged in just as the water began to rise. Most recruits were asleep, some with their arms and legs hanging off the edge of the bed.

All vitals appeared on one of the larger screens, beeping away happily. It was important to monitor Houdini's, given her role in tonight's production. Ginger ignored Champ's page as she watched carefully, waiting for the water to safely and completely rise before responding.

The water had reached the bottom of the mattress as the speed doubled. No one had reacted yet, many still fast asleep.

The door to the control room swung open and Whiskey wandered in, helmet under his arm. "Well, seems to me I'm gettin' a good show tonight!"

Ginger slammed end on the pager and snapped around. "What are you doing back? You know you shouldn't be in here."

"Seems that our Montana problem is a bit bigger than expected. Works out better this way, now I can get a show before dinner! Where's Houdini? She should really see this for herself. Girl's lucky she never..." Whiskey dropped his helmet, staring at the screen where he saw Houdini's name and picture along with normal vitals.

"Ginger, what in the fuckin' hell is Houdini doing on this monitor?" His tone was harsh, sharp against the soft waves of the rising water.

"Whiskey, I told you, you can't be in here..." Ginger warned.

"Ginger, you best not be playing any fuckin' games with me." His heart was pounding, matching the rate of Houdini's on the screen as she jolted upright, water up to her neck.

"Whiskey, listen --" Ginger pleaded, trying to pull his attention away from the window and the screens. "Listen to me. Everything is fine, this is just routine and you know that --"

"Don't you fucking do this! Stop the water right now. She can't be in there, she --"

"Jack."

He was getting frantic, pressing his hands to the glass, looking for any signs of his girl.

The water was rising up faster, soon swallowing the room up. The recruits struggled, and many only looked out for themselves as they swam towards the mirror. Houdini felt her own panic rise as she took one last breath, head bobbing against the ceiling before the room was completely filled.

"Damn it! Give the controls to me, Ginger. I'm getting Laura out of there."

"No, you're not." The Quartermaster replied sternly, watching as Houdini was left on the other side of the room, her leg tangled in the sheets as she tried to swim away.

Her hair had fanned out around her, dark and inky as Jack watched in absolute horror, unable to stop anything from happening. Houdini's vitals slowed, a cue for Ginger to prepare the draining system. No one managed to break the mirror, which would have dropped them into a smaller holding room; surprising, given a few of the recruits and their skills.

Jack clenched his fists so hard, his knuckles turned white.

Not again.

He couldn't watch the one he loved fade away - but he couldn't turn from the window. His upper lip twitched and he nearly bit the inside of his cheek off as the water level slowly dropped, Houdini's body floating back down. Jack felt sick to his stomach, watching as the recruits realized she had been drowned, and knowing that they did nothing did not help their case as prospective agents. He would have rushed in and grabbed Laura if he knew Ginger wasn't waiting with the tranquilizer hidden in their watches... instead, he kicked the lone chair across the room, leaving a dent in the wall.

“Fuck!”

"You can meet her in the medical wing," was all Ginger said before leaving the room.

#writing #wh oops #i promise comfort is coming

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enbouton · 8 years ago

Text

that Lydia backstory post

(Some of this is based on what Laura Fraser has said in interviews; the rest is me extrapolating from canon and/or wholesale making things up.)

Lydia was born in London in 1974 to an American couple who later settled in Fairfax, Virginia. She lost her parents (who were good and loving people) very young, and had a particularly difficult and painful childhood. Her mother was severely mentally ill, had obsessive fears about harming her daughter, and disappeared when Lydia was five. (Lydia’s fear that she may be genetically predisposed to mental illness is one of the reasons she chose to adopt.) Her father died suddenly a few months later, and Lydia was shuttled between distant relatives for a while before ending up in the care system, where she remained until age eighteen. She reached adulthood having formed the following beliefs:

— financial security = actual safety

— if you don’t make your own way in the world, you will starve

— if you keep people at enough distance, they won’t be able to hurt you

Lydia is a deeply, deeply cynical person, but she wasn’t born that way. She has trouble reading people and understanding social dynamics, and I imagine that she was quite naive and overly trusting until she figured out that her attitude was making her vulnerable. (I don’t think she’s entirely let go of this as an adult, tbh— she starts out from a position of distrust, but once she’s decided that someone is safe, she may trust them more than they deserve. I get the impression that at some point Mike got put in the “safe” column and that influences their relationship even after he’s threatened her life. She never gets to that point with Walt.)

Lydia is also someone who will follow rules to a fault because rules create structure and order and make the world intelligible (and because, again, she learned very young that breaking unwritten rules led to consequences she couldn’t predict or understand). I think that before she descended into Extreme Hardcore Law Breaking she had never had so much as a parking ticket. I think the seeds were sown when the company she was working at in her late twenties turned out to be deeply corrupt and imploded, costing her her job and upending her worldview. She wasn't directly exposed to any wrongdoing, but she was in a position where someone older/more experienced/less socially naive would probably have picked up on signs that something was off, and she just… didn’t, until the rug was pulled out from under her. At that point she kind of went “if everyone else is breaking the rules, why am I working so hard to follow them?”, and took away the message that the real mistake her former bosses made was getting caught.

So, how did she get from there to the drug trade?

Somewhere along the way, Gus made a deal with Schuler, and LPH became part of the Madrigal stable of franchises. (I’m not actually sure how LPH can be a Madrigal business while still being owned by Gus— maybe Gus owns the actual business and just sold the trademark to Madrigal? Maybe they made some licensing deal to obfuscate the flow of drug money?) When Gus needed a contact to help him expand his distribution network, he used his connections to find Lydia, who at that point was 30-ish and climbing the ladder in the logistics division. He read her like a book, recruited her himself, gained her trust, and kept her distanced from the violent reality of the business as far as he could. From his point of view, Lydia was ideal— highly intelligent and resourceful with legitimate business connections all over the world— and her position at Madrigal meant that she and Gus could pass themselves off as friends who didn’t have any direct dealings with each other. (The DEA investigation fails to turn up any ties between Gus and Lydia, even though they seem to have been on first-name terms.) He knew she could pose a risk if she started feeling threatened, so he went out of his way to put her at ease. They came to genuinely like and care for each other, and when Gus died, Lydia was lost. The one person who made her feel safe was gone, all her risk/reward calculations were rendered moot, and we know what happens from there.

(Do you ever think about how Walt eventually poisons Lydia with the ricin he made for Gus, in Gus’ lab? This show hurts.)

#long post #lydia #breaking bad

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noctomania · 8 years ago

Text

bad habit

-sigh-

when i was at the beginning of my gender identity I felt compelled to purge all of my lesbian paraphernalia (lol so dramatic). I mean except for like my But I’m a Cheerleader dvd but I gave away my Tipping the Velvet dvd (which was literally my only porn when I was living in the country in tx I shit you not that’s my problem tho not yours) and even the book and so many dvds like Imagine Me and You I even had DEBS and like all or most of the l word dvds (i didn’t like the show entirely that much it was more because of select characters i liked and also some nostalgia associated)

I later learned this was likely a symptom common in various kinds of identity development where we rebuke anything that isn’t that newly discovered identity. I wish i had been aware because I definitely got over it and i wish i still had my shit because it wasn’t just something stuck in time i genuinely enjoyed those things and it’s still part of what makes who i am today. No, i’m not a lesbian but that doesn’t mean I can’t watch lesbian films that regardless of how I personally identify, still have relatable traits as a side effect of ta-dah: being human.

It’s funny how common it is for people to become what they preach against. I know I’ve done it, and not just in the above instance. I did it when I first identified as lesbian too. I certainly took my openly gay pride for granted because i had stickers on my car and all. Never got bothered.

It’s important to note, identity development is not always linear, which I also experienced that. That can be confusing as hell. Understanding who you are is actually such a small part of identity development. Much of it is understanding how this new discovered identity fits into the rest of the world. That is why there are so many extremists in any spectrum of [identity] that are so involved in these convos, that is the stage of identity development they are at in that time. They are actively rebuking the identity they are not associated with as if it’s a way of solidifying/proving/initiating their identity. This has both pros and cons.

While it can challenge people with identities considered to be “standard” or “average” to understand that they themselves are merely just one on a spectrum, if the interaction is volatile (often prompted by one or both parties having complicated, or generally poorly developed social skills, or interference of other complicating factors such as communication barriers and other innate identities colliding rather than coalescing) it can result in both identities diving deeper into the rebuking stage of identity development, creating a greater schism in the spectrum of [identity].

But it is such an important part of identity development and so naturally occurring.

I have my theories about what could be done to avoid such extremes, but I’m not about to tell people how to raise their children.

Just consider the info above and consider if that is an essential, inevitable, naturally commonly occurring (i should note, again, not all identity development is linear; there are other factors in play nothing exists in a vacuum except me bc i’m trash why are you still reading this i mean thank you and i’m literally babbling b.s. pls ignore me) to feel proud in who you are because ideally in order for any species to survive confidence is important. However, humans are admittedly in a way unlike other species even just in the amount of historical psychologically, physically, and massively abusive we have been to one another and the oppressed innate identities are reminded of the dominance of some innate identities over others daily. Our technological advances have, as a whole, amplified all identities but only in relation to as it was before so the small are still small and the big are bigger and louder and more dominating within an integrated society.

As we have advanced we have not taken this into account because we are stupid animals yall honestly we do think too confidently sometimes like buddy pal we just mammals goin bout our mammal mind business. Now tho we are essentially trying to grow into something of a meld of tech and mammal. We carry our phones with us everywhere, tech as organs, limbs, skin, we depend on it so heavily now in a variety of ways. But our tech advancements give us an opportunity to see data for what it is and adjust accordingly. Tip the scales if you will. Why don’t we? Because the extremists on the privileged end benefit off being extreme, amplified by tech advancements and the development of our systems such as currency and business, it has shifted from mammals knowin other mammals to you’re not my target mammal audience yanno? The privileged innate identities have built their means of survival or their empire upon their perspective, formed out of their identities (innate and/or otherwise), which has inevitably drawn others who share one or more of their identities (innate or otherwise) and inevitably thus drawing along extremists on that(ose) spectrum(s) of identity (here have some more parentheses). The oppressed identities that are drawn are either dismayed by a differential they sense, or their identity may be visibly contrasting to many/most others in that drawn audience. Privileged stockholders imagine a loss without taking into account the gain. Mammals, we’re so fuckin simple.

If you account for everyone, tip the scales a touch in the name of equity, a relation of justice and liberty, you will dismay extremists. If you engage them, you are affirming their reaction as valid. This is where our critical analysis is so, well, critical, in being able to understand privilege and how to employ equity to account for it. Those who can afford it are going to have to take a loss in order for equality to ever be a reality. This is only because everyone else has been taking losses for so long. It’s like in a group project everyone has been pulling their weight and the weight of those who don’t pull their own, privileged have procrastinated on their humanitarian responsibility to look after one another. Not enough of them have known or seen the value in diversity of identities and the innovation that it promotes. Perhaps some, of the more traditional mind, fear the innovation too much. That is a personal fault of their own that needs unpacking.

anyway i started this hours ago. never really hit a conclusion but i d c tbh. just a brain dump, this post.

#identity development #equity #psychology

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