#but the ones that do…..agony

[freddieloundsgf]

my five star books so far this year!

twitching and shaking right now trying not to become a book blog but i have no one else to talk to so you will all be subjected to my ramblings! >:)

i am not a professional reader or reliable critic. what i give five stars is usually totally dependent on vibes and how i feel while reading and is not at all indicative of extreme technical skill or otherwise life altering capabilities. i just work here.

1. Inferno by Dante Alighieri

- to no one’s surprise, the exvangelical, religious iconography and hell-obsessed girl* gave 5 stars to the famous book about hell. this is my favorite book and i have read it many times. i have two inferno tattoos and i collect copies of this book. i prefer the Longfellow translation simply because it is the one i am comfortable with and have tabbed to hell (wink emoji) and back.

2. This Is How You Lose the Time War by Amal El-Mohtar and Max Gladstone

- i love when women love each other. BUT WAIT. disclaimer alert: if you can listen to this book rather than read it, please please please do yourself the favor of listening. this book is non-linear, convoluted, and chock-full of flowery and even complicated prose that will make you kill yourself if you have to comprehend the text as it is inked upon a page. the audiobook is only 4 hours long and can be listened to in a day. it would not have been five stars if i hadn’t listened to it.

3. Know My Name by Chanel Miller

- an absolutely gut-wrenching, heartbreaking, and important memoir from the “Emily Doe” involved in the Brock Turner case. a powerful depiction of reclaiming your identity and navigating the husk of your own life after being rendered a “victim.” i don’t have much i can say about this, the book says it all. Chanel Miller puts words to feelings that have rotted me from the inside out my entire life.

4. Piranesi by Susanna Clarke

- most people would probably not rate this so high, but i had a really good time reading this book. the world was strange and Piranesi was just such a great perspective to live within. i will admit this did get tedious at times but it did not affect my overall enjoyment.

5. The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger

- listen. i know, okay? i know. my intention was to hate-read this book so i could make fun of the men who love it. and look where that landed me. i read this in basically one sitting and really really enjoyed it. i tabbed and highlighted it to pieces and, unfortunately, found myself thinking “he’s just like me fr” throughout the entirety of the book. sue me.

6. Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin

- this book had me on suicide watch. just kidding. but really i loved this book and it ripped my heart out and i think about it on and off. i just love James Baldwin’s writing and really respect him as a person and activist, which made it easy to lean into reading this and absorbing it the way i did. i heart gay tragedy.

7. We All Want Impossible Things by Catherine Newman

- this book was so funny. it is about two best friends in their 40s (?) and one of them is dying. it goes through bits of their lives, families, and how love finds a way to flourish despite it all. i really loved this book and read it so quickly. it was just a fun, sad, and charming little read.

8. Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier

- i was unable to put this book down while i was reading it. and nothing even really happens, so that’s saying something. i was so busy with college and work but i was using every spare moment of free time—forfeiting my lunch breaks, extending my bed time—to read this lol. it is just so brilliantly written. i also wrote fanfic for it. i need Mrs Danvers so bad it makes me look stupid.

9. Pew by Catherine Lacey

- this was such a strange but deeply human story. i don’t even know how to describe it. it is such a quick read though and i definitely recommend that you check it out if you have time or feel so inclined.

10. The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

- i am so late to this. read this for the first time earlier this month. yes i cried. leave me alone. this story is just so good and sweet and it gave me something akin to a warm hug or a kiss on the cheek.

11. Notes From Underground by Fyodor Dostoevsky

- The Brothers Karamazov and Crime and Punishment are still sitting menacingly on my shelf, but i felt comfortable tackling this ≈130 page work of Dostoevsky’s as a means of dipping a noncommittal toe in lol. i really liked this book and, again, like with Catcher in the Rye, found myself relating to the narrator in an almost worrying capacity. the first 40 or so pages of this book that you have to get through before reaching the actual story can be a little grueling but i still had a good time and consider this to be a very good book.

12. Foster by Claire Keegan

- short and sweet at ≈90 pages. i supplemented my read by listening along to the audiobook at the same time. this is just such a meaningful and sad but strong story about a young Irish girl who is brought to live with some distant relatives for a summer. well worth the read if you have a moment to spare.

13. My Husband by Maud Ventura

- i loved this book. another worrying instance of relatability. reading this went by really quickly for me and i had a good time. i will say, i wish there were no epilogue. many such cases.

14. The Employees by Olga Ravn

- another short and sweet read at 125 pages, written as a compilation of “witness statements” that are either just a sentence long or spanning two pages. very interesting and strange, if a little confusing at first. but i loved it and knocked it out in a couple of hours during a lazy afternoon.

currently reading: i am listening to Tom Lake by Ann Patchett, which i am willing to predict right now that it is going to be a five star read.

i am also reading Harrow by Joy Williams. this book is indescribable. i am over halfway done and i couldn’t tell you a single thing about it. but it is incredibly written and somehow still engaging through the veil of confusion. i think this one may be a five star read for me as well, though i don’t know if others would say the same.

[inkskinned]

the thing is that they're so fascinated by sex, they love sex, they can't imagine a world without sex - they need sex to sell things, they need sex to be part of their personality, they need sex to prove their power - but they hate sex. they are disgusted by it.

sex is the only thing that holds their attention, and it is also the thing that can never be discussed directly.

you can't tell a child the normal names for parts of their body, that's sexual in nature, because the body isn't a body, it's a vessel of sex. it doesn't matter that it's been proven in studies (over and over) that kids need to know the names of their genitals; that they internalize sexual shame at a very young age and know it's 'dirty' to have a body; that it overwhelmingly protects children for them to have the correct words to communicate with. what matters is that they're sexual organs. what matters is that it freaks them out to think about kids having body parts - which only exist in the context of sex.

it's gross to talk about a period or how to check for cancer in a testicle or breast. that is nasty, illicit. there will be no pain meds for harsh medical procedures, just because they feature a cervix.

but they will put out an ad of you scantily-clad. you will sell their cars for them, because you have abs, a body. you will drip sex. you will ooze it, like a goo. like you were put on this planet to secrete wealth into their open palms.

they will hit you with that same palm. it will be disgusting that you like leather or leashes, but they will put their movie characters in leather and latex. it will be wrong of you to want sexual freedom, but they will mark their success in the number of people they bed.

they will crow that it's inappropriate for children so there will be no lessons on how to properly apply a condom, even to teens. it's teaching them the wrong things. no lessons on the diversity of sexual organ growth, none on how to obtain consent properly, none on how to recognize when you feel unsafe in your body. if you are a teenager, you have probably already been sexualized at some point in your life. you will have seen someone also-your-age who is splashed across a tv screen or a magazine or married to someone three times your age. you will watch people pull their hair into pigtails so they look like you. so that they can be sexy because of youth. one of the most common pornography searches involves newly-18 young women. girls. the words "barely legal," a hiss of glass sand over your skin.

barely legal. there are bills in place that will not allow people to feel safe in their own bodies. there are people working so hard to punish any person for having sex in a way that isn't god-fearing and submissive. heteronormative. the sex has to be at their feet, on your knees, your eyes wet. when was the first time you saw another person crying in pornography and thought - okay but for real. she looks super unhappy. later, when you are unhappy, you will close your eyes and ignore the feeling and act the role you have been taught to keep playing. they will punish the sex workers, remove the places they can practice their trade safely. they will then make casual jokes about how they sexually harass their nanny.

and they love sex but they hate that you're having sex. you need to have their ornamental, perfunctory, dispassionate sex. so you can't kiss your girlfriend in the bible belt because it is gross to have sex with someone of the same gender. so you can't get your tubes tied in new england because you might change your mind. so you can't admit you were sexually assaulted because real men don't get hurt, you should be grateful. you cannot handle your own body, you cannot handle the risks involved, let other people decide that for you. you aren't ready yet.

but they need you to have sex because you need to have kids. at 15, you are old enough to parent. you are not old enough to hear the word fuck too many times on television.

they are horrified by sex and they never stop talking about it, thinking about it, making everything unnecessarily preverted. the saying - a thief thinks everyone steals. they stand up at their podiums and they look out at the crowd and they sign a bill into place that makes sexwork even more unsafe and they stand up and smile and sign a bill that makes gender-affirming care illegal and they get up and they shrug their shoulders and write don't say gay and they get up, and they make the world about sex, but this horrible, plastic vision of it that they have. this wretched, emotionless thing that holds so much weight it's staggering. they put their whole spine behind it and they push and they say it's normal!

this horrible world they live in. disgusted and also obsessed.

[reverieprince]

but as it is (and it is)

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

he is just. so shaped. so so so So shaped.

[youregonnabeokay-kid]

“Ask me for sanctuary”

SCREAMING, CRYING, BAWLING MY EYES OUT

[forzathunder]

"I have many fears, most of them about Lucrezia." — Cesare Borgia (The Borgias, 2011-2013) + hints of insecurity

that she adores someone that much / if she will reject his dark nature and act of love and violence as Ursula did / if he truly is not part of her desires / that she easily forgets him

[hinamie]

there was a third picture from that one shoot apparently

rest of my redraws can be found here!

[hearties-circus]

G-d theyre fun to draw

[prolibytherium]

Cuz I know you man! Also you casually mention RPGs like, a weird amount.

(The Gang Tends Bar themed carfire for @its-always-ziney-in-philadelphia Valentines Zine)

[basilpaste]

〔You've done this before, but that's okay! It's worth it as long as you get to comfort Mira.〕

〔Oh! Um. You hope no one noticed you flinch. That'd be really embarrassing!!〕

new osis edits just dropped!! feel a little eeeh about the first one, but the second turned out really well, i think!!

[stari-hun]

Farewell Rayashki is Bluepoch taking you by the collar, spitting at you and going “stupid fuck, do you not remember what game this is? This is the DOOMED yuri game not the happy fun women kissing game, be grateful we didn’t kill the children too this time cause if Constantine knew about them she would.”

[normystical]

ATTENTION ALL ALASTOR SHIPPERS: 

uniromantic 

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME. PROCEED

[chambers003]

happy ace week

[luck-of-the-drawings]

POOR GABRIEL MONTEZ! YOU NEVER SAW THIS COMING DID YOU? ALL YOU WANTED WAS POWER. SECURITY. SAFETY. & THATS EXACTLY WHAT YOU GOT! JUST IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR BODY. LETS JUST HOPE NO ONE FUCKS THIS UP. LETS JUST HOPE YOU WONT HAVE TO CLEAN UP THE MESS.

[confusedmothboy]

this scene being animated in todays episode

guys i cant do this

and i dont know how to talk about it without getting overly emotional about fictional characters

[suntails]

I’m going to paint you a picture of modern communication, and how it is fundamentally broken.

Let’s look at one friend. You chat pretty much everyday, and mostly talk to this person on twitter and discord, with occasional tumblr DMs. That’s three places you talk. But that’s actually not true, because you also have each other’s priv twitters and talk there as well. That’s four. Now account for, let’s say, one post reply per account per person, in addition to your DMs. That’s eight. But that’s ALSO not true, because not only do you talk in discord DMs with each other, but you’re in a friend group server as well! And you talk in those channels together! That’s nine.

This is one friend.

Now look around you. How many friends, how many mutuals are you in contact with. A few, a handful, a dozen, more? How many accounts per person do you have, how many places can you send each other posts, devolve into separate topics and conversations? How many people text you as well. Friends, family, coworkers? What do you do day to day around catching up, what IRL commitments will rip you away long enough to let the pile build again?

I can’t do it. I cannot live an actual life in the real world and balance this much interaction, it’s crushing. I reply to a friend’s post because I’m interested in the subject, I want to have a discussion! I WANT to talk about it with them, but I immediately kick myself for adding another conversation to the pile. Day by day, I ignore messages for hours on end and watch mountains pile around me, to reply en masse at the end of the night to let the cycle repeat. I wake up to six discord DMs and as I clear the third, the first replies back again.

We weren’t meant to have thirty simultaneous conversations. We weren’t. And you know in your bones that the number isn’t an exaggeration.