#but the hoops i have to jump thru to even get to a point where cost is low enough that my parents can help me with that stuff

[the-fog-system]

.

[ca-suffit]

Sorry this is long. I'm working through the thought as I write this.

There's a post with kinda a lot of notes going around that idk how jokey it is and it's like here's what you need to have read/seen before watching IWTV so you understand the abusive patriach.

And well, I feel like it's part of the pattern of ppl pushing the show's critique of the abuse family structures enable in a way where they won't have to talk about race. How does Revolutionary Girl Utena relate to IWTV? How does Succession? I've never seen Succession, but their cast is almost completely white, which is racial commentary all its own... In Utena neither race nor colorism ever figures into the narrative iirc. I haven't read the Cairo trilogy since uni but I don't remember race factoring into it either??

Like Lestat was the abusive patriach of their family bcuz he's white! His power is gendered bcuz race is gendered (becuz power is gendered and so on). I think the show is in greater dialogue with James Baldwin and bell hooks than Yoji Enokido and Jesse Armstrong! Baldwin outright, didn't Rolin Jones say in an interview once that Giovanni's Room was a direct inspiration?

It just bothers me. The omission of art by Black creators was so striking I felt like someone slapped me. And maybe if then the tone wasn't so condescending and the idea that you have to have read The Oresteia to understand patriarchal violence so classist, maybe I could shrug it off. But you couple both and I'm like damn we squeezed the Greek and the Japanese in but don't mention even one Black person. I'm not saying the OP did it on purpose cuz I don't know the OP, but it felt so so glaring to me the times I've seen the post. Especially ppl sharing it going yeah exactly!! 😐

Lestat As Patriach to me is just more about white supremacy than the cisheteropatriarchy, and how despite Lestat's promises to Louis (be all the beautiful things you are etc) vampirism could not and does not free Louis (+ Claudia) from anti-Blackness. Altho patriarchy and white supremacy are closely related and both relevant to the show, obvs, it just rubs me wrong when one is ignored in favour of the other. And of course it's always the critique of whiteness that ends up ignored 🤔

Why is everyone so scared of mentioning that Louis is Black? Ugh. Sorry. I'd like your thoughts this fandom makes me feel like I'm off my meds. - 🦁

sry it took me a min to get to this, I wanted to track down the post itself for context. I can't find OP's username now but I remember seeing it before and it not being familiar. so idk otherwise what they've said about this post for the tone and intention.

I can say tho that utena and succession have made rounds here in comparison to iwtv from black fans sometimes. but I've also seen this post otherwise criticized before this ask for not having any black references on it. I tried to find that rolin quote about giovanni's room too, cuz I remember it, but idk where it is or what the whole context was anymore.

from being around the tumblr fandom, what I can say about this kind of stuff is that....from the book ppl to show fandom, both sides usually want to "prove" they're rly smart? it's for diff reasons but sometimes the same references. fandom in general keeps moving towards if u can make ur argument about whatever thing sound deep then that means it is and more ppl will support it. there's a lot of constant misuse of social justice and psychological terms as well as connections to art and literature. look how often ppl never talk about anything critically bcuz "it's gothic romance, sweetie" or "stop looking for morality in stories about vampires" (that was anne rice's whole point tho?? but ok lol). it's a lot of words to say nothing.

ppl will basically always jump thru more hoops than is necessary to look smart in ways that ppl have a broad connection to. a lot of black creators aren't well known to ppl in the first place and mostly only prbly by black ppl too, so referencing anything doesn't get u the points that greek "classics" or pop references get. it also depends on the age range of where anything is posted. this fandom tends to be 20s to 40s but with more emphasis on 20s now, prbly, so lots of focus on proving ur worth and intelligence in the world. this post feeds that type of thing. it's kind of a pat on the head that ur engaging with "smart" stuff.

idk if the post *was* meant as a joke or not bcuz this is the kind of stuff the fandom *will* weaponize in defense of white fandom shit in rly racist ways, so. like u said, it's always kind of about all these other things except the most obvious.....which doesn't take much book smarts to see, u just look at the world around u on any given day. but I've noticed ppl tend to avoid topics that hit too close to home, so this is a way to give distance to things too, I think. If it's all fictional then it can't hurt u fr and also u don't have to care about being vocal about anything or doing any work otherwise.

[moonlightcookie]

a love letter to seamoon

disclaimer this will get Very long. majority will be under the cut. this will be very personal

i didn't grow up seeing lgbt media, only glimpses of gay fanart and fanfiction, created by fans. openly gay or trans characters in media didn't really exist when i was a child, and when they were, it was all homophobic and transphobic stereotypes, meant to get a laugh out of the cishet audience.

i grew up in a society where being gay (or trans), was a bad, shameful thing to be. the very first time i came out to anyone, it was my best friend in 7th grade. i texted her, crying bc i was so ashamed of myself, and afraid of her reaction. i texted her, bc i couldn't bear to say it aloud. she was the only one i had told, for years.

It's terrifying to even think of outing yourself when your peers were like hungry wolves, taking any opportunity to find anything wrong with you. i was already fat, ugly, a teacher's pet, etc. I generally kept to myself, and other kids didn't like that. especially since i was poor, and would often show up to school in old, torn clothes every day. nooo way i felt safe enough to come out to anyone else, until a few years later in high school (which was still super scary btw!!)

imagine how i felt as a teenager, seeing Steven Universe on air, especially after the Ruby + Sapphire reveal. a kid's cartoon with largely female/nonbinary characters AND canon lesbians? with onscreen lesbian kisses? on the MOUTH?? nowadays it might seem silly to praise SU for its lgbt representation, when now there's a lot more (by comparison) of openly lgbt media. but i feel like people, esp young people who grew up alongside SU and other openly lgbt media, don't realize just how revolutionary (and recent!!) SU was for its time. SU had actually been cancelled shortly after the Rupphire wedding, for obvious reason. before then, people would jump thru hoops to say that Ruby and Sapphire were sisters, or just "very good friends" . other countries would censor their relationship or not air it at all. sadly, i still see the same happen to other sapphic characters/relationships, including seamoon.

All of this is to say, i just want to let out how important Sea Fairy and Moonlight, and their relationship, are to me.

I first learned about Cookie Run 6-7 years ago when kinning CR characters was a big thing on tumblr lol. one of my mutuals would post about it, and the characters i saw looked cute, so i went to the wiki to look at some more. immediately i was drawn to Moonlight Cookie, and getting her on the official CR personality quiz didnt help either lol

then when i saw Sea Fairy's page, and her mentioning her deep love of the moon, i immediately knew she was really talking about Moonlight, and that seamoon was intended to be canon. this was all before the relationship charts, mind you. all we had were Sea Fairy's inital LINE/Kakao release event, and both Sea Fairy's and Moonlight’s loading lines to go off of

even back then, people were upset at the possibility of them being in love, headcanoning them as sisters or just "best friends", others would say Sea Fairy was talking about the literal moon, or even the moon that Moonlight rides on...

frankly, it was obvious to I and many other sapphics that seamoon was canon. the moon affecting the sea's tide IRL, Sea Fairy being the legendary released after Moonlight, with her entire story up to that point was of a sea fairy who was cursed to be frozen upon trying to reach the moon she so loved. Both their lines referencing longing + loneliness, the City of Wizards and the Tower of Frozen Waves's proximity... it all added up.

finally, on November 14th 2019, Devsisters released the "I Want You Every Day" MV. where we finally get real confirmation of Sea Fairy and Moonlight's relationship, and especially Moonlight's reciprocation of Sea Fairy's feelings, with this legendary moment:

(gifs from @/kumiihocookie) to finally have confirmation- there is no sentence in the English language that could accurately describe my feelings. Elation, jubilation, vindication, ecstatic, the list goes on. literally where else am i supposed to find a character who's just like me, including being canonically sapphic?! to have a character i see so much of myself in, be confirmed to be in love and in a relationship with another woman, one who loves her so much as to literally go to the ends of the Earth(bread) for, i cannot find the words although LDRs arent for me, they are the reality for many lesbians, including my own at one point. seeing these two women continue to love each other unconditionally despite their distance, despite the very real reasons they cannot physically be together, brings me hope as a lesbian.

i hope that i too, can find a love that will always look to the sky, thinking of me. a love that will love me unconditionally, the way Sea Fairy loves Moonlight. a love that can bring me peace and comfort, the way that Moonlight does for Sea Fairy.

[kordeliiius]

More OC stuff, this time focusing on Nova and their band during the "prologue." Descriptions and thoughts and stuff under the cut!

Color variations for the outfit Nova wears during their first lead performance! They bring a particularly unique energy to a diverse group that started out primarily doing jazz; Kagura is something they learned growing up (or sumn like it) and incorporated some motifs into the performance. The ribbon colors in the first two are like the real thing, while the third is more Nowhere-specific. Will see if this idea remains viable in the future

First concepts of the band's founders/lead singers at the time of the prologue; their names are Sola and Lupin. Starting out, I at least wanted to make the leaders black, seeing as they're where jazz came from, and as such Sola is coded African-American. I considered making all of them black with each member having different roots from around the world, but would it be fair to cram them all into one group? Regardless, Lupin is coded Aeta and Nova might be mixed. I'll mess with their designs a bit more before deciding for certain. Also I recently had the idea of making Sola someone else with ancient lineage, making her taller than the rest.

The kid with the long hair is Mars, she's a skilled pianist who also helps out backstage a lot. She's an amiable and talkative kid who befriends Nova pretty quickly after they're first roped in. She's also Sola's daughter, which I guess would make Lupin her stepfather?? i'll think about it

The way I'd describe Nova gender-wise is transfem nb teetering a fine line between tomboy and femboy, while Mars is genderfluid but generally fem-leaning. Nova had probably already been questioning herself at this point, while Mars hadn't started until meeting different kinds of people, and they find opportunities to talk about it when they're alone together. I'm aiming to strike a huge visual contrast between the before and after

One other thing about the band that's not really alluded to in these images is that they're not actually from Metronome. They're kind of meant to represent what life is like outside the controlling city environment, and provide a feeling of hope to the people they meet. (At the same time they've evaded the Nowhere's jaws of despair time and time again, and it's never been easy.) As such, they probably have to have special permission to enter the city, but once they play their first gig at a somewhat dive-y place, word spreads FAST. They make the rounds again during the main story, but had to jump thru more hoops than last time,, they might even get caught in the crossfires of destruction towards the end

[arttrampbelle]

Cw:vent

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Could i plz have some shang tsung kontent that doesn't involve him shipped with random characters (i mean really random. 99.99% of the roster genuinely hates him so him fucking them makes no sense. They would kill him in a heartbeat and would rather die. So wtaf). Because y'all so deprived in life?

(Also nobody in mortal kombats lore likes shang tsung. He is the biggest bastard. As we love him for it. So no. Him being with any canon characters makes no fucking sense at all. Period)

Could i have some x readers that doesn't involve other characters in how you meet? Like it feels like an oc at that point. The only characters that could introduce you. Would be if they are working for shang tsung. And no its not the storm bros. No its not any of the "good" guys. It would be a shadow priest,a shokan,a black dragon merc,shit like that.

(If you are doing an oc. Plz tag and label that properly. I dont mind shang if he's with an oc. Or hell id rather take a non mk character. Weird. But ok. But anyone and everyone in the mk roster hates him so no)

Could i have some actually decent fucking kontent?

Other characters get more respect and decent kontent.

Why do you do that to shang tsung if you guys "supposedly" like him? Or like mortal kombat.

Do y'all play the games? Do y'all care about the lore?

Or are you casual? Its fine if you are. Just state so. I dont wanna assume you are a huge fan and then go off. And then you say you dont know something. Then it feels embarrassing that i just info dumped on you and i feel like a weirdo.

Like i dont wanna waste my time with people that dont genuinely wanna get into something that i love. And i wanna actually engage with people without having to jump around hoops. And jump thru hurdles trying to explain shit.

And waste my time with people who don't respect him. And mr. Cary hiroyuki tagawa as well. (Because i swear you guys really don't.)

But also respect shangs character as a whole,outside of mr tagawas performances over the years. Because he exists outside of him. Tho he is most known and all fans agree HE IS SHANG TSUNG. But still other actors and interpretations exist. Like his character is grossly misinterpreted.

Like he's either too soft when he doesn't need to be. Too rough where it shouldn't be.

No balance.

Like imho the yandere fic writers know how to write him.

The villain/antagonist fuckers know how to write him.

Hell some monster fuckers know how to write him.

If the roster didn't hate this sneky mofo so much sure. I wouldn't be mad at the dumb shipping. Because its just that.

But its the fact they do. And that it makes no sense. Even in best case scenarios.

Shang hates them,they hate shang. It wouldn't work. Like people don't get it thru their skulls. That SHANG TSUNG IS A BASTARD VILLAIN THAT IS ONE BADASS DANGEROUS MOFO! (Again we love him for his atrocities. We dont demonize him,we even cheer when he gets karma. We also love him BECAUSE HE IS AN EVIL SORCERER BINCH) ok?! Like god damn.

You can make shang tsung sweet without uwufying him. You can make him an asshole without taking away his integrity.

This wont stop people unfortunately. And people think with their dicks,literal and metaphorical. And genuinely dont care about a character as long as they get their jimmys wet.

But whatever.

I guess im asking too much from people to give genuine respect to a character. Let alone a series that is happy part of my childhood and a series that i love deeply for 18 fucking yrs.

Sorry for this rant but im so sick of genuinely bastard villains in the hands of people who don't like them. Or genuinely understand them.

Im sick of people who say they love shang tsung as a character but only care if he's with their "safe" blorbo.

They wanna defang the fucking snake and it pisses me off.

Im done venting. You don't have to like me. But plz try to listen where im coming from as a fan. As someone who has seen the death and decay of fandoms in real time.

Try to listen to where im coming from plz. It sucks when you love a character and others dont really care about it like you do.

It sucks when you feel so damn alone when talking about problems with fans.

And it sucks loving a character and series that people genuinely don't really care about and is so superficial and surface level.

It bothers me. I know it shouldn't but it does.

[kidflashimpulse]

ridiculous that we have to jump through hoops like this (low animation budget my beloathed. also his official s3 design drawn by Phil Bourassa REALLY annoys me. why is he such a TWIG, Phil???) but you know how Bart was drawn/animated in s2? not ripped but clearly muscular? broader shoulders, definition in his arms and legs? i like to just translate that into an older Bart in my head (with thick thighs, duh). he's canonically strong enough to EASILY carry another teen by s3, let him LOOK LIKE IT

“with thick thighs duh” ah yes, the holiest of words, amen to that.

Hes definitely speedster built in S2 and I don't think he was incredibly twig skinny then either, though I do think that due to limited resources in his timeline he was on the skinnier side of things and that his suit then and even now in S3/S4 has padding that makes him look stronger (which I think is just standard hero suiting). Now that he's in a comfortable environment he can afford to train and get stronger to the point he can run to carry ppl, a speedster essential lol. 

BUT YES its kinda terrible how we need to jump through those hoops, I really don't enjoy it. This topic actually kinda ties in to my post on the YJ renewal and to its animation in general. Because usually YJ animation woes are popularly tied to budget constraints, when I don't think this is as much the case (Greg has mentioned they've been given decent budget, though ofc with the woes of animation industry, no matter what they're given honestly they could always do with way more), buts its more of a time and staffing issue. Both Seasons 3 and 4 were created on an individual basis and seemingly rushed (not so much the right word, but they sure sped thru it to keep up with either ig u could call it the expectations or demands, don't know if they were given a set time frame for how long they could work). This means for each season post invasion, the creators had to from scratch re-assemble and re-organise a complete team of staff as well as studio to collaborate with. I feel like ppl don't rlly understand how incredibly difficult this is managerially, especially for season 3 where they went for years their separate ways. Between each season, including airing-time, they were out of work (well specifically for YJ) and the teams behind the show weren't maintained, needing to build all this up as well as actually get the work into motion is incredibly time consuming and not easy and I think this reflects on the animation side of things which is essentially rushed more than anything, rather than low-budget.  

An easy fix to this would've been that when they got renewed in the first place, they should've been renewed for three seasons in one go. This would've given them the time and space to set up something with the vision of doing things for the long run without the need of rushing things. Ultimately, its about animated shows like YJ being given the right type of support so that they can achieve their full potential. But oh well, for now we need to work with what we got.

[3000s]

i hope u dont mind if i ask, im nb butch lesbian (v h8 being seen as a girl, i have a binder & a buzzcut etc) my city is mostly cishet people that don’t get gender nonconformity at all, they believe in 2 genders, etc. well i use they/them but they all treat me like a girl, she/her w feminine expectations. i say im they/them nb but they ignore it :/ im like. do u have any tips dealing w people who dont accept u. my dysphoria is so bad. u dont have 2 answer if it makes u uncomfy tho

oh yeah thats rough, i’ve been thru similar back when i had openly IDed as nonbinary… nobody used my pronouns, i was still a girl to them, nobody rlly made an effort even acknowledging that i’m not a girl until i started HRT ??

which i mean… then they totally skipped over everything else to settle on “ok he’s a trans man now” (which i’m fine with at this point, but……. obv that shouldn’t be the immediate reaction to someone going on hormones, especially considering how they never took me seriously UNTIL then)

i think, honestly, it’s gonna be hard, but continue to correct people when they misgender you if you’re safe doing so. i know personally that you can’t always convince someone to respect who you are, but being consistent enough in correcting them can eventually get you to a point where they may at least abide by that, which can def help lessen some dysphoria

also the HARDEST thing to learn (& i’m still struggling with it tbh) is that ultimately u will need to make peace w urself & find comfort in ur identity even in spite of the ppl who may treat u like shit because of it! thats like the ideal situation

and don’t let ppl try to make deals with u where their respect is in exchange for ur comfort… i had friends who wanted me to dress a certain way, talk a certain way, act a certain way, THEN they would “respect” me & my identity… its degrading and a complete lie on their part, they don’t care, they just wanna see u jump thru hoops for them

check to see if there are any LGBT centers w meetup groups in ur area as well, its great to be able to make those connections within ur community… u should be able to surround urself w people who care and respect u because it rlly does become draining when u don’t have that support

anyway that’s what i’ve got for now, if anyone else has more advice please feel free to reply to this

[ofclaude]

vent post   under a readmore instead of in the tags bc i !! need to vent !!! & the point of not typing in the post is to be less in your face but this is gonna be a Lot probably lmao

i just. wish i had people around me who i actually care about & who care about me instead of them all being countries away. i live here in this place that helps me recover from trauma & integrate blahblahblah &...like.

they are literally paid to pet my head & call me sweet & go aww really :(( that sucks! & tell me the world’d be worse off without me. & it just fucking. it always gets to me. how is it supposed to not??? i want to be cared about the reason i’m suicidal is because no-one i’ve lived around ever gave a shit about me except 2 primary school teachers & one friend in high-school. people have been paid to pretend to care about me since i was born because me dying was more scandalous than paying a stranger to therapy the neglect away !!

i’m so tired. i’m so, so tired & i can’t anymore. oh, i will. i always fucking do !!! i always fucking do!! and i hate that!! because it’s never. i. ugh. i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tierd i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tried i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired i’m tired

i went to talk to my father & he !! doesn’t even remember !!! telling me to go live on the street & die in a village where i was the freak when i was 6 years fucking old because he was just qangry & well he got it off his chest didn’t he !! I FUCKING CAN’T IT’S CALLED C-PTSD FUCK YOUR ENTIRE LIFE he was a grown-ass man lashing out in a violent rage at his own goddamn child & NO-ONE. NO-ONE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING WHEN THEY DO THAT. YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING WHEN YOU DO THAT, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT IF YOU FORGOT ABOUT IT!! YOU’RE STILL THE ASSHOLE WHO MADE ME SUICIDAL & MADE IT SO I KNOW I’M WORTHLESS, I KNOW NOTHING WILL EVER BE OKAY, I KNOW NOTHING WILL EVERY CHANGE THIS

& that was just one, tiny lil interaction out of 24 years of that shit. 24 years !! how am i supposed to just. work thru all of that shit without getting tired of it; yaddahyaddah make ya life better IF UCKING KNOW. HOW ABOUT NOT MAKING ME WORK FOR SMTH I NEVER CHOSE & DON’T WANT ANYMORE, HOW ABOUT DOING SOMETHING ABOU TTHE SCUMBAGS WHO GET TO JUST ‘GET BETTER’ AFTER the only reason they’re not responsible for my death is bc i got real fucking lucky. i’ve got massive endurance & i got lucky as hell. & it wouldn’t have mattered bc THEN I WOULD’VE BEEN DEAD, HUH?!?!? NO-ONE CARES! no-one does anything, & i’m sick of it. they get to kill me, but fuck forbid i do something abou tthem.

& blah that’s all feelings & trauma blah it’s not true i fucking know it’s not true. nothing’s true or fals #nihilism. doesn’t matter that’s not the point. i can do endless therapy, i can have people pet my head all day, i can talk myself out of this & that attempt because i know it won’t change anything. but i can’t change that this lives in me. it’s been years since i cut ties. he’s changed. i’ve changed, else i wouldn’t have cut ties in the first place but ok.

i still don’t want him. i still don’t like him. part of me still cries & hates me for taking my own daddy away from me!! even tho he’s the aggressive bastard who makes me want to fucking take my own life hellloooooo !?!?!? i have to put up with this shit. because i choose to live, but i didn’t get to choose what motherfuckers i was born with - not that my mother didn’t try to teach me otherwise tho !!! it’s all ur own choice uwu u made this call u wanted me for a parent !!!! except i loved myself unlike you bitches so no i did not but go off !! in ur fantasyland

it’s been 3 fucking years & i’ve done so much & i actually got myself a will to live last years. & it’s like. yay it’s better now :))))) no. it’s not. there are better things also. this is not better. it won’t get better, because there is nothing to change. & since it’s ptsd, i can’t forget either. blahblah lessen the impact IF UCKING KNOW I DO THERAPY I KNOW HOW THIS WORKS! BUT IT DOESN’T CHANG ETHE FACT MY OWN PARENTS THOUGHT IT WAS OKAY TO TEACH ME TO HATE MYSELF & THAT THE WHOLE WORLD COULD ONLY EVER HATE ME BUT I WASN’T ALLOWED TO DIE!! OR MAKE A SCENE !! THAT’D LOOK BAD HUH?? me, the village freak. diagnosed with autism cuz they traumatised me so bad it looked the goddamn same but fuck forbid ANYONE. EVER. talk to my parents !! noooo no i was the one that needed fixing. except they did that wrong too my fucking god does it never end.

i’m tired. i’m tired of living with the pieces of somebody else’s mistakes. i’m tired of being afraid of pushing away the only people i have who i do care about & who care about me, just by asking them to care about the parts of me that’ll never get better. i’m sick of hiding how tired i am. i’m sick of having to be normal & happy & good enough by all those rules that don’t belong to me just to not be as terrified of being neglected again - except this time by people who don’t owe me shit.

i always deal with everything. & i’m tired of it. i’m so, so fucking tired. i know. i know it can get better. i know i can find ways. i know. i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i know i KNOW. that doesn’t make it okay.

i wish it did, but it never does.

& since :))) i’m afraid of running off my friends by asking directly i’ll just ;)) vent :))) here ;)))

what do you even say to the ppl who actually care about you anyway like lmao what a joke. the better i get the more room i have to conform to being normal - & idc about how other ppl like it, i mean. bad normal. social skills apparently only mean ways, not truth. i was never taught social skills so i communicated directly, which is super good & ppl these days need to be taught that?? so much????????? but no i was awkward & didn’t have social skills. fuck you, ppl raised from the get-go with social skills are the WORST at being social bc they never had to learn another person’s language or the desperation that comes with the language barriers no-one will explain to you. i’m so tired. i’m so tired of jumping thru hoops just to  what???? get ppl to care??? get smn to care about????????? & then what. jump thru hoops some more bc now u have smn who doesn’t get u unless u filter out who you are & are left with nothing.

it’s so important to be me but the better i get the less i can do that & that’s what killed me so i gues we’re back at square one !!! let’s go back to therapy & pretend i need that when i already know how to work shit. let’s pay another person to pet my head & give me an hour of their time to vent, just because i don’t have to be afraid they’ll run. jesus christ. if i can’t be me i won’t do it. but idek if i can force myself to bemyself anymore & that’s fucking scary. learning social skills after a lifetime of being shunned just makes me more equipped to go with my terrible coping skills, which is to nix myself & just. be normal be normal be normal be normal bne nomral bne mrf oamlf be nomral. i’m tired.

& blah if u wanna post it on tumblr u gotta go on ur personal uwu ur rp blog is a vending machine no personal shit !! how dare u have a personal life that Exists lmao

[lookwhatilost]

and like introspection is something that I’ve been doing a lot of lately but I’m also getting to a point where i ruminate too much, and it turns into jst negative self-talk, and me pulling my own pigtails, so I jst sort of wallow and nothing gets done

idk if it’s realistic for me to pursue therapy again when my schedule is as in flux as it is, and if i want to go back to leeann I’d have to get a referral from the hospital she works in conjunction w and unfortunately that is a lot of hoops that I’d need to jump thru for something I may not even get... but I did have the foresight to save a lot of the resources that she gave to me bc I had the inkling that I’d need them later and im grateful for that. like she was a good presence—she challenged me and quite frankly pissed me off a lot but she was a constructive presence vs the therapist i had before her who was kind of jst an unprofessional bully. but therapists are crutches, and like, the thing abt a crutch is that you eventually need to learn to walk on your own again...

I’ll see how it goes myself before making that leap back into it. bc ultimately leeann or anyone else can’t exactly put a gun to my head and force me to act correctly. even tho I feel like that’d be helpful hehe

[izhunny]

Yeah, tumblr is at it again.

*sighs*

@thewillowsilver

I saw your reply but tumblr won't let me click thru from mobile. Not sure which thing (probably the Tennant reblog that's flagged on my reblog but nowhere else. But feel free to pop on over and message me if it's not).

The only way to get the flag removed is to wait on the appeal process at this point.

At least most users now have the function to see what's flagged and get it reviewed. Each post that shows up in this area has a button to appeal the flag.

On mobile the area to find those posts looks like this:

On desktop there is the same function in the settings list for most users as this was/is a rolling update that's only been slowly released over the last couple weeks instead of the email process they promised before the changes were official.

*judgmentally side eyes tumblr*

I could also make an additional request thru the help desk by copy and pasting the posts specific's unique identifier (pulling up the permalink with post number and whatnot) and asking them to look into it. But I'm pretty tired of having to jump through hoops for false flags.

But as far as I know since I've already hit the appeal button, I just have to wait for it to get through the review persons list of things they're reviewing. They can't being paying those people enough. I bet turnover is crazy for that job.

I've had luck with about 20 to 30 items, which were reblogs where I'M NOT THE OP and I added nothing offensive to the posts, restored through the appeal process.

They even sent the email to ME confirming they fixed MY POST. smh.

In conclusion:

EVERY ONE PLEASE CHECK YOUR FLAGGED POSTS AREA AND APPEAL IT IF YOU HAVE THE OPTION IN YOUR SETTINGS.

Even if you're not OP, and especially if the post has no reason to be flagged. Then wait in purgatory like the rest of us.

[yourbleedingh3art]

I hate the point in being social where i start being abrasive and disorderly sharing my opinions. I sound so arrogant and condescending and i really hate how condescension shuts down open conversation , empathy, and vulnerability btwn two people.

i get to that point bc i feel increasingly physically uncomfortable being "forced" to socialize, w some people and in some situations i feel trapped like i cant find a way to leave without getting in trouble or in some way upsetting the balance of something. and i start getting mad like why are these people even around me right now why are you here when you could be anywhere else you are HERE forcing me to talk to you about subjects you chose and i wanna talk about what I wanna talk about cuz i actually have a lot id like to share but you just wanna talk about subjects that i cant relate or connect to (or could but id have to jump thru a lot of mental hoops to get there and i sometimes just wish to be alone rather than do the mental work of that) and i just get overwhelmed and pissy and instead of being whiny i find i start popping off at the mouth acting bitchy and haughty and its like. if youre not enjoying a situation just leave. its better than taking it out on the people around u. idk why i struggle w leaving when im able to identify logically its probably the best thing to do. it brings me some shame. but

NO longer . no more shame. truth. acknowledging it. gonna eat chips. escaped. And gonna keep learning

[movienews516]

@zach When I messaged you the other day on Tumblr, you blocked me.  The only reason I have been attempting to contact you  was because of the fact, that I was willing to intervene and  get you more up-to-date options in managing your music and  the archives that you may not have access to, since I am able to do that.   I am not making fun of the pictures I found of you, or doing  anything of that nature, as a matter of fact, the only reason that I have a sloppy method of messaging and Tweeting is because I can’t release information, on the internet, and the process of messaging or contacting people, is always, hindered by the  fact, I don’t leave information out, so people can check it at  their leisure.  I also don’t mind writing because I at least have  something to signify that I put work into a particular topic.   So, I don’t know, about Hollywood or anything, it is my guess  that since we’ve crossed swords via Twitter, it may have more  to do with I am attempting, to outline, the way I would commit to an “intellectual pass time” if I was you, which in turn probably brings up a lot of sentiments about how our band was arguing  back in 2000, over this and that, and so, just to make this  clear.   If you had reciprocated with me, as soon as I had tweeted  you, I would figure, you, Rob and I were all in the same boat  as far as the racial issue is concerned, considering, us three  are all very fond of African American culture, music, and that  sort of thing, but blocking me, when I try to make points, about  “actors getting kicked off the set, because they made eye  contact with a cast member who was more prominent than them”, doesn’t leave as much of a “Race Card’ for you to play.   Even when I was talking about the astrologer, for whatever  reason, taking up these hobbies of either astrology or astronomy, seems to get me thru customs a lot easier, when I am on the  way back from Jamaica, because I do look fishy, it is not like  I’ve never burned a joint, or a blunt, but it got so bad that I did  a lot of extra-curricular stuff, in order to not get, “profiled’ for  this nuance and that nuance.    That is why I jump thru hoops, referencing Hollywood, and  90210 and psychic numbers and all of this.  You know, I need  to stay in the spirit of this, walking the straight line, and you  always have to back track, and figure out, how to keep your  posture.  So, you did block one of my Twitters, and I didn’t  Tweet you from another account, and I didn’t leave the tweets  up for strangers to look at, but I did, message the man who  was hosting your songs, and I told him, your work isn’t worth as much to me, due to the fact, that you, used the band to  skip school and get in trouble.    That is where I am at.  I also said that it was kind of poison  and that it was causing us to argue, over and over about the  work, the songs, to the extent, I feel like we should abandon it to obscurity, just so you aren’t being empowered by the idea  of “good musicianship”, since their were devious things attached. You also seemingly lost the ability to make the host out to look  as though he wasn’t overly interested in African American culture, Rap Music, Social Work, or anything like that due to the fact,  if you were so interested with that, you would ultimately  have put a cleaner foot forward, and didn’t resort to stealing  anything, which would ensure people had less of a pretext  to harass you when you were either recording with someone who was a rapper. The fact you were willing to use the Band, as a reason to  come to Glen Cove, (my neighborhood) and get into trouble  shows you were using to use it and abuse, it in order to have  fun with your friends, and that makes us look terrible, I also  don’t feel you have the ability to put any credible effort into  doing anything with African American culture, Jazz or anything related to ‘The Harlem Renaissance’, like I have been doing.

[captainlenfan]

New Post has been published on http://websiteshop.network/episode-436-qa-with-robb-and-nicki-29/

Episode 436 – Q&A with Robb and Nicki #29

http://robbwolf.com/2019/07/19/episode-436-qa-with-robb-and-nicki-29/

We’re here with Episode 436, Q&A #29!

Submit your own questions for the podcast at: https://robbwolf.com/contact/submit-a-question-for-the-podcast/

If you want to see the video for this podcast, be sure to check out our YouTube channel.

Show Notes:

  1. Endurance Fueling For A Keto Athlete [2:00]

  Cassandra says:

Dear Robb + Nicki,

First off…thanks for the great job you two do in making complicated nutrition and fitness information easy to access and understand (even for uneducated gym rats like myself).  I’ve been listening to the podcast for years, reading the blog and the books (just got Wired to Eat) and I still find myself learning something new almost weekly.

Bottom line up front – how do you guys recommend tackling post-workout nutrition for endurance / high-intensity sports while on the keto train?

I’m 35, 5’8”, 155 lbs with a fairly muscular build.  I’ve been doing the Crossfit + weightlifting thing for 5-6 years now (4-6 times a week).  I’ve got 10 strict pull ups, a 250 lb 1 RM back squat, a 285 1RM DL and can hold an L-sit for a minute….so I think I’m pretty strong(?) – in some aspects anyway …  Strict bedtimes at 8:30 every night with 8 hours of sleep, no injuries, no severe reactions to any type of food (except tequila) – BUT I perform and look a lot better when I’m strict about paleo.  I’ve been eating that way and it has been keeping me fueled really well in the aforementioned training situations. 

Due to the nature of my job – active duty Marine, I am required to run a 5k every year for time…so I do incorporate running into my weekly routine – usually no more than 15-20 miles a week…long-ish runs mixed with hill sprints or pushing sleds so I don’t die of cardio boredom.

Within the past year – – due to losing a bet or being shamed into them (I can’t quite remember), I’ve also been running a few half marathons and one marathon.  I plan do to one more full later this year, the Rock n Roll in Las Vegas – mostly because its an excuse to travel to Vegas with some girlfriends of mine. The low-carb/paleo diet has been awesome for my health  on the weightlifting/crossfit/sprinting side of things… but I’m struggling with the endurace side of my fitness.

For my runs more than 90 minutes, I’ve been fueling with some organic stinger chewies/gels near the end of my run and then other, whole-food-type carbs at the end….bananas, berries, coconut water…sometimes gatorade, (an occasional beer :)), etc.  My recovery has been OK…not awesome though (and when I take out the mid-run or end carbs, my energy tanks and my joints hurt for days)….. it takes me about me 1-2 days to get through my soreness for half marathons and almost 5 days for a run more than 22 miles WITH the intra and post-carbs.

I’ve recently jumped on the keto train in January…did your masterclass, read Mark Sisson’s book, started listening to a lot of low-carb / keto based podcasts (Shawn Baker, Fat Burning Man, etc) and just started Wired to Eat.  I’ve been trying to do my own homework and listen to my body…so far this keto thing has been great! I’ve dropped about 10 lbs since the beginning of the year, have been sleeping a lot better and have seen gains in my strength.  But the race season starts up in May (the LV Marathon is in November but I have smaller races and training runs scheduled throughout the summer) and I want to be prepared. 

I *think* I’m generally fat-adapted…but I panic after 8 or 9 miles sometimes (the old advice of “carb loading” always creeps back in) and will suck down a terrible gel or gatorade because I’ve made the mistake of running these distances underfueled before and it was a painful, painful lesson.  I have heeded your electrolyte advice. I constantly track my sodium, magnesium and potassium levels and take the recommended supplements almost every day (normally on days with a taxing WOD or a workout lasting more than 90 mins). 

So what can I eat/drink to keep on the keto train that will help me recover and keep me going on some of these endurance events?  Nut butters? Whey protein and water? I want to be armed when I take on Vegas this year and not completely derail my eating habits. And I’d like to start experimenting with these foods now, while I still have time to adjust.

Sorry for writing the novel!  If I can find this info in a podcast or in one of the chapters of your books, please feel free to point me in that direction!  I appreciate any insight you guys have. Thanks in advance,

Cassandra

  2. Should I Add Fat To My Whey Protein Shake? [10:40]

Ben says:

Hi!

Love the podcast (I am one of the six listeners)! Here is my question:

I am wondering if the insulin-spike from a post-workout whey shake can stall my weight loss. Should I add fat like heavy cream or coconut milk to the shake to blunt the insulin response (if yes how much) or am I unable to burn that fat because of the spiked insulin storing it as body fat instead.

Thank you so much and best wishes from Munich, Germany

Ben

  3. Portal Circulation and Leaky Gut [14:36]

James says:

Hi Robb,

Thanks for your detailed answer to my question about sun exposure in Q&A #7. You provided a clear and concise answer which is hard to come by these days!

Following your book recommendations in Q&A #6 I hungrily delved into the Lecture notes on Human Metabolism (Thanks Nikki!) and within the first chapter encountered some information that gave me reason to pause.

The portal circulation, I’m certain that you can provide a more accurate and concise explanation of this system to your listeners than I can in this question, so I’ll leave that to you if that’s okay!

My question is: given that all blood (and therefore solutes) from the intestines are drained through the portal vein and through the liver – filtering out excess substrates and removing toxins such as ammonia from the blood before it enters ‘general circulation’, how can leaky gut have such a damaging effect on the body? It seems to me that the liver is a vital backstop in this process which is never mentioned when functional medicine practitioners talk about leaky gut – they give the impression that blood drains from the intestines straight into cardiovascular circulation and these fuel substrates are clanking around in our arteries causing inflammation which seems not to be the case!

Also how does this impact the gut hypothesis of heart disease (highly simplified here) where endotoxin is said to pass through the mucosal membrane into circulation, binding with LDL cholesterol, being attacked and immobilized by immune cells and ultimately ending up being sequestered into an arterial plaque because the immune system cannot destroy cholesterol or unbind the endotoxin from it.

Would the portal circulation not remove this endotoxin from the blood before it enters cardiovascular circulation and meets LDL particles? Is this disease process driven not only by a compromised intestinal lining but also by inefficient liver function?

Thank you for your time again guys, really appreciate your input

Kind Regards

James

  4. Do I Have To Sprout My Nuts & Seeds? [20:10]

Joseph says:

Is phytic acid harmful or of benefit?  Is it really necessary to jump thru the hoops of soaking & sprouting before consuming nuts & seeds?  thank you

  5. Caloric Estimate for Young Children? [25:10]

Rory says:

Is there an estimate for calories/pound when it comes to feeding my almost 3 year old (or any child for that matter, say 2-12? The teen years of course marking the onset of self-consciousness and peer pressure, thus thwarting any biological hard-wiring toward survival.)

Or is she still young enough to be biologically incapable of starving herself, at which point I should just trust that she has normally functioning satiety signals?

I ask specifically about my daughter because, as is par for the course in ‘Murica, she received antibiotics immediately after being born, so it’s not a stretch for me to imagine that she could have some kind of gut imbalance that could cause hormone dysregulation with her leptin/ghrelin.

    Where you can find us:

  Submit questions for the podcast: https://robbwolf.com/contact/submit-a-question-for-the-podcast/

  Transcript:

Download a copy of the transcript here (PDF)

Nicki: Don’t. Stop. Stop. We’re rolling.

Robb: We are rolling. What’s up wife?

Nicki: You know, just kind of riding the wave of chaos.

Robb: Indeed. Indeed. So, we’re in the throws of packing, getting ready to move.

Nicki: We had a nice visit from your friend, Steve yesterday.

Robb: Good friend of mine, Steve who… A 20 year military veteran flying a B1 Bomber and I got to hang out with him and we related many stories that we-

Nicki: I only met him once before, him and his wife once before, when Robb and I first met and let’s just say in the few hours that we spent together yesterday, I learned a lot about what you did as a teenager.

Robb: Yeah and most of it was probably incarceration worthy.

Nicki: There were lots of laughs.

Robb: We turned out okay.

Nicki: You guys survived.

Robb: Yep.

Nicki: Somehow.

Robb: Yep. We did. We did.

Nicki: What are you drinking?

Robb: I’m drinking a Salty Palmer, which is a black tea, Lipton ice tea specifically, with a-

Nicki: LMNT Citrus Salt.

Robb: … LMNT Citrus Salt in it and it’s pretty darn good.

Nicki: Really good. Okay.

Robb: Do you want to jump in on this thing?

Nicki: Sure. Let’s jump in. Our first question this week is from Cassandra and Cassandra wrote a very, very lengthy question and I’m just going to read-

Robb: Great detail, but it’s-

Nicki: Really wonderful detail, but I’m just going to read some sections of it. But the main gist of her question is, how do you recommend tackling post workout nutrition for endurance and high intensity sports while on keto? So let’s see here.

Nicki: Okay, so she says, “I think I’m generally fat adapted, but I panic after eight or nine miles sometimes because the old advice of carb bloating always creeps back in and I will suck down a terrible gel or Gatorade because I’ve made the mistake of running these distances under fuel before and it was a painful, painful lesson. I’ve heated your electrolyte advice and I constantly track my sodium, magnesium and potassium levels and take the recommended supplements almost every day. Normally on days with a taxing wad or a workout lasting more than 90 minutes. So what can I eat or drink to keep on the keto train that will help me recover and keep me going on some of these endurance events? Nut butters, whey protein and water. I want to be armed when I take on Vegas this year and not completely derail my eating habits and I’d like to start experimenting with these foods now while I still have time to adjust. Sorry for writing a novel.”

Nicki: So just to fill in some of the details, she has done several half marathons and a marathon and she’s wanting to do another full marathon later this year. The Rock and Roll in Las Vegas

Robb: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Mm-hmm (affirmative) and lots of great detail, so if you guys check out the show notes-

Nicki: We’ll post the full question, yeah.

Robb: … you can kind of dig into that stuff. So what one thing up front, I’m definitely not an endurance coach. We’ve dabbled in that area when we ran the gym, it wasn’t really my area of interests nor expertise. So I’m going to give some general guidelines, but I’m not an endurance coach. That said, one thing that I would recommend is following all the work from Zach Bitter. He has set multiple, I think national and world champion distances, 100 mile races, largely keto fueled, keto carnivore fueled. He drops in some carbs though. He has kind of a strategy around what he does with that. Part of what she related is she feels soreness and difficulty recovering after her hard sessions, in particular when she’s using carbs, interestingly.

Robb: This is one of the interesting things that folks that are in that keto, carnivore space seem to report they just seem to bounce back from workouts better. They don’t seem to get the delayed onset muscle soreness and all that stuff. It’s kind of funny, before we were recording this I was kind of noodling in the shower about how low carb in the context of a higher protein, like keto gain style, ketogenic diet or carnivore diet or even some of the old, original Loren Cordain protein recommendations. Even though it’s low carb technically, because you’re not eating carbohydrate as part of the diet, it’s not necessarily low glycogen.

Robb: The keto scene has gotten all freaked out about gluconeogenesis and being kicked out of ketosis, but this is all still super context driven stuff. For an individual that needs really, legit levels of ketones for say, like neurological condition or for cancer, co-treatment or something like that, then there’s a compelling reason to kind of limit protein.

Robb: But what’s interesting is that, and again I’m going to bounce around like there’s a zillion things I’m thinking about, but Charles Poliquin recommended for people who were not particularly carb sensitive, but doing high intensity training, a pretty high protein, low carb diet and then, supplemental glutamine post-workout because the glutamine was kind of a slow release way of topping off glycogen levels, both in the liver and the muscles. But that didn’t have some of the other side effects potentially of carbs and I know people are going to freak out. It’s like, “Oh, carbs aren’t the devil.” Yeah, they’re not, except when they are.

Robb: For some people like me, who still have some sort of GI problems or what have you, type one diabetics or people that are just tinkering with this stuff, there are other ways of getting reasonably good glycogen repletion, while also still staying in more of that kind of fat adapted world.

Robb: So one thing about this, we have to break this stuff into kind of training nutrition, event nutrition, post recovery nutrition. So during the event, this is definitely where she made the point that she needs to experiment with this stuff and see what’s what’s working. Again, I would kind of pun to what Zach Bitter does, as just kind of a beginning baseline.

Robb: I think that in general, if he’s doing something that’s more in that 100 mile pace, he stays pretty much fat and protein because he’s going to be going at such a gentle pace comparatively because he’s going to run for basically, like two days straight and so he just not going to get glycolytic. So, in that context then, there doesn’t necessarily need to be additional carbs or not much additional carbs to the degree that there might be a lot of elevation change or something like that. Therefore, going anaerobic, getting some glycolysis going on, then we might drop in some type of carb.

Robb: Again, you just have to play around with that stuff to see what sits well with gastric emptying and all that type of stuff. I feel like I’m just kind of bouncing around here, but it’s interesting. So, she also mentions that in the past, she was kind of worried at some point and this is where I think doing some training runs that are on the longer side and to establish like, how do you do? So she said that she panics after eight or nine miles sometimes. So there should probably be some like 12 or 15 mile runs consistently within the training block where you pressure test. It’s like, how do you feel at mile 10 through 15 with a particular type of training without necessarily doing a goo or something like that?

Robb: Even that said, there are a lot of people in the low carb space that, over the course of a day of activity like this, they may consume two or 300 grams of carbs on that day, which is still quite a bit less than what most other people are doing. But this is where there’s just a massive amount of individual variation. Again, I’m just not the most knowledgeable person on that side of things.

Robb: So, the takeaways, we don’t necessarily need to just cater towards ketosis. Don’t think about it being ketosis. Think about it being performance fueling. It may be on the lower carb side, it may be on the higher carb side. Even if it’s on the lower carb side, if our protein intake is higher, it doesn’t necessarily mean low glycogen for the body. So that can have all kinds of ramifications for recovery and nutrient intake.

Nicki: She definitely needs to make sure she’s not skimping on the protein.

Robb: Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. The one caveat with that and this is where it gets really detailed, in event training, you may be, particularly if water may be a little bit limited or what have you, higher protein intake requires more water to deal with the ammonia load that’s coming out of that. But you don’t necessarily want to go super low protein because you will burn through all your branched-chain amino acids and then, tryptophan levels raise. The person will be running along and they get sleepy and they’ll literally, fall asleep and it happens a lot on a bicycle, mid run or at a minimum you lose some of that kind of motivation because you’re getting sleepy.

Robb: So this is some of the stuff again, that folks just have to play with. Like what protein level keeps you mentally alert? Because you don’t have enough branched-chain amino acids in the mix. Some people use of branched-chain amino acids as part of their training mix and stuff like that. But this is again where, it’s just super outside of my-

Nicki: Wheelhouse.

Robb: … Yeah, my wheelhouse. But those are some kind of big, broad brush strokes to consider when you’re doing this stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

Nicki: Okay. Let’s see here. Next question is from Ben. Should I add fat to my whey protein shake? Ben says, “Hi, I love the podcast. I’m one of the six listeners. Here is my question. I’m wondering if the insulin spike from a post workout whey shake can stall my weight loss? Should I add fat, like heavy cream or coconut milk to the shake to blunt the insulin response? And if yes, how much or am I unable to burn that fat because of the spike insulin storing it as body fat instead? Thank you so much and best wishes from Munich, Germany.”

Robb: Man. So, whenever I see someone who’s… So clearly, I would read between the lines here, that the goal is fat loss, right? If you’re in a fat loss mode, you don’t need a shake. You just don’t. You need to chew food. Three meals a day, breakfast, lunch, dinner, possibly a snack. I rarely have a snack. I eat two, sometimes three meals a day. It just kind of depends, but you don’t need a snack and you really don’t need the shake as a baseline.

Robb: That’s not really answering the question, but we noticed this within our gym based practice and I kind of felt like… And I would have all kinds of people, like Spencer Nadolsky, who are like, “Oh, shakes aren’t the devil and everything.” But I just saw people spin out and they would go from eating pretty well and then, do liquid food. Then they were hungry and then, they would end up overeating pretty consistently.

Robb: Then I started hanging out with Tyler and Luis and really watched the way that they handled things within the keto gains group and man, they could’ve made a mint linking wagons with some protein company and recommending that. Just their ethics are so sound that, what they noticed was that people who are really legitimately struggling with weight loss don’t do well with liquid food, don’t do well with shakes. They need to eat unprocessed food for the most part.

Robb: So Ben, I would one… It kind of becomes a nonissue. If we get people eating whole and processed food, it’s not really going to be a problem. That said, in the context of eating beef or whey protein and the subsequent insulin response from that, it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, whether or not that’s going to influence fat loss overall. That’s still going to be driven by total caloric load, ultimately.

Robb: Some of the things mixed into that, if we get… Like in some people, and this is where some people will tolerate more or fewer carbs. If we get a disproportionate insulin response to carbohydrates and we get a low blood sugar environment, then people are going to tend to want to eat more food. We tend to not see this when the insulin response is from protein.

Robb: And this is another piece that’s kind of interesting when people talk about bodybuilding or recovery. Proteins do release insulin and so, you’re not necessarily always in a completely low insulin environment, even though you’re eating low carb. This gets born out, when you see the flip side of the crazy keto scene, where people are limiting protein intake because they’re freaked out about the insulin response to this whole thing.

Robb: So I know that’s kind of all over the place. But Ben, I would definitely ditch the shake and once you get to a level of leanness that is fantastic and you’re training like absolute crazy, such that three meals a day don’t work then…

Nicki: Then have the shake.

Robb: … dump a shake in. I wish that shakes did as well as real food but they just don’t. It’s another one of these things where we’ve really never recommended shakes. Here and there-

Nicki: Specific situations.

Robb: Yes. Specific situations. Yeah, so I think I beat that one to death.

Nicki: Okay. Let’s see. Our next question is from James on portal circulation and leaky gut. “Hi Robb. Thanks for your detailed answer to my question about sun exposure in QA number seven. Following your book recommendations in QA number six, I hungrily delved into the lecture notes on human metabolism. Thanks Nicki. And within the first chapter, I encountered some information that gave me reason to pause. The portal circulation, I’m certain that you can provide a more accurate and concise explanation of the system to your listeners than I can in this question, so I’ll leave that to you if that’s okay.

Nicki: My question is, given that all blood and therefore, solutes from the intestines are drained through the portal vein and through the liver, filtering out excess substrates and removing toxins, such as ammonia from the blood before it enters general circulation, how can leaky gut have such a damaging effect on the body? It seems to me that the liver is a vital backstop in this process, which was never mentioned, when functional medicine practitioners talk about leaky gut. They give the impression that blood drains from the intestines straight into the cardiovascular circulation and these fuel substrates are clinking around in our arteries causing inflammation, which seems not to be the case.

Nicki: Also, how does this impact the gut hypothesis of heart disease? Highly simplified here, where endotoxins is said to pass through the mucosal membrane into circulation, binding with LDL cholesterol, being attacked and immobilized by immune cells and ultimately, ending up being sequestered into an arterial plaque because the immune system cannot destroy cholesterol or unbind the endotoxin from it. With the portal circulation not removed, this endotoxin from the blood before it enters cardiovascular circulation and meets LDL particles. Is this disease process driven not only by a compromised intestinal lining but also by inefficient liver function? Thank you for your time. Really appreciate your input.”

Robb: That’s a great question and this is kind of, definitely before, oh, one question. This is kind of-

Nicki: Super advanced.

Robb: … Chris Masterjohn area. Usually, he’s the one that delves into stuff like this, but it’s a fantastic question. So for people that aren’t familiar with this, the portal circulation is the kind of circulatory loop that drains the gut and goes, as what James said, largely to liver and we do get it… This is where chylomicrons, the packages of lipids are unstitched and reshuffled and put into triglycerides and into lipoproteins. Proteins are kind of sorted and shuffle. Carbohydrates are stored at least, in part, in the liver. Then also throughout the rest of the body and that’s actually, a great example of this LPS story that James is alluding to.

Robb: What he’s asking here is a great question. In this leaky gut story, there’s this discussion around lipopolysaccharide, which is kind of the cellular identification matrix around bacteria and this stuff is incredibly inflammatory in all vertebrates. It sends the vertebrate immune system into kind of an overdrive response. But James, if we just subbed out LPS for carbohydrate, this pretty much answers the story.

Robb: So although dietary carbohydrate fills some, potentially all of the liver glycogen, there’s virtually always more that goes to the rest of the body. So although it removes some, it does not remove all. In the case of this LPS story in general, the liver should be effective. The liver in conjunction with the lipoproteins, the lipoproteins like LDL lipoproteins, LDL cholesterol, HDL cholesterol, these things bond to LPS and it tends to help in the detoxification of this substance. But if we have more LPS than what we’re really able to deal with-

Nicki: The liver handles some and the rest-

Robb: The liver handles some and then, we get the the spillover and that’s one piece of the story. Another piece of the story is that a lot of the lipid containing substances don’t go directly into the portal system. It goes into the lymphatic system and the lymphatic system then dumps in right around the aorta.

Robb: So it does make it into general circulation without going through the liver first. So that one year of medical school anatomy actually pays off every once in a while. So, this is a great question though. There are kind of two directions that the LPS story gets around the liver.

Robb: The first one is that there may just be more occurring than what the liver can reasonably detoxifying. Then the other part is the lipid constituents that end up in the lymphatic system, also end up dumped into general circulation, do ultimately make it into the liver, but that’s another spot where this stuff ends up.

Robb: Yeah, but a really good question. Lecture Notes on Human Metabolism is just an outstanding book. Really, really good. It was oriented for individuals heading towards medical school. So it was kind of, an end of their senior year. Like how to pull all the biochemistry, cellular biology, vertebrate physiology all together and make some sense of it. The MD-PhD who put that book together, he oriented a bunch of pharmaceuticals into it. He talked about statins, he talked about blood pressure mentally. It’s really an outstanding book, yeah.

Nicki: Okay. Let’s see. Our next question is on phytic acid from Joseph. “Is phytic acid harmful or of benefit? Is it really necessary to jump through the hoops of soaking and sprouting before consuming nuts and seeds?”

Robb: What do you think on this wife? What’s your gut sense?

Nicki: A lot of people do find benefit when they soak and sprout.

Robb: For sure and I would throw this under the, it depends category. So phytates and even… Gosh, there’s this stuff out of rice, I want to say. Ip-6, which is kind of one of these bonding chemicals, kind of a culation type chemicals. They can be beneficial in some circumstances and they can be a bastard in other circumstances. Georgia Ede who is a psychiatrist and really incredibly knowledgeable on this stuff, has some great studies where individuals would eat something like oysters, which are very high in zinc, and you would quantify the amount of zinc in the oysters. Then the person would consume it and they would actually do some plasma zinc analysis. So they can show, “Okay, the before oyster, plasma zinc was here and post-oyster plasma…” So it’s showing that you’re absorbing it or it’s magically appearing in your bloodstream, one or the other.

Robb: Then she showed eating the same oyster meal, but with either say, fruit or corn tortillas. The fruit does not have phytates in it. The corn tortillas have quite a lot and the corn tortillas, plus the zinc source, basically made the zinc absorption zero. I mean, it just gutted it.

Robb: So this is one of these things that’s really interesting and in looking at a lot of the Weston A. Price stuff, traditional cultures bent over backwards to soak and sprout and ferment and process grains, legumes and even dairy, for the most part. So, I think that there was some really good wisdom to all that. It kind of dovetails around on another piece around this kind of emerging story around the carnivore concept and whatnot and I could make a case that… How do I want to say this?

Robb: The amount of plant material that we eat is allowable only up to the point that it displaces animal products. At some point the overconsumption of plant material could potentially cause nutrient depletion. I know this is going to be a super controversial topic, but when you look at, let’s say just things like spinach, they may contain different nutrients that may be valuable and they may look like they’re in a large amount, particularly from a nutrient density standpoint, like a percentage of folate per calorie. But the thing is, the plant based materials are not that absorbable and oftentimes have constituents in them, like phytates that are antagonistic towards their absorption.

Robb: These things can also interfere with… They’re basically protease inhibitors, so they inhibit the ability to break down protein, both plant and animal protein. So again, how important is it? I think it boils down a little bit to individual situations. But I think to the degree that people can get away with not doing this, is reflective of all the other right stuff they’re doing. Also, I think that you’re just kind of beating your system a little bit. Like there’s some pressure testing that’s occurring there.

Robb: So, if you’re going to do bread, I would do something like Ezekiel bread that’s been soaked and sprouted and all that type of stuff. A lot of people are finding these ancient grains, like the Einhorn wheat and then soaking, sprouting, doing the sourdough mix that that helps to break down the gluten and all that stuff. Although there’s some great literature indicating that not a lot of celiacs still react to the Einhorn wheat, even after it’s gone through all of that stuff.

Robb: I’ll be completely honest, even though the Weston A. Price stuff is pretty cool, I think that this is still why a lot of people are pretty fucked up in that scene. Because they’re just logistically dogmatic about having these foods and they don’t realize that even some pastured dairy may be problematic for some people. Yeah. Yeah.

Robb: So, it’s super context driven, and this is again, where if somebody has general problems or they’re just wanting to ask a question, if they may be grain, dairy or legume reactive, pull them out for 30 days, reintroduce and see how you do. But I would say that to the degree, that you process these things with these traditional methods. It’s definitely going to improve the nutrient value of those foods and it’s going to decrease the likelihood of damaging the nutrient value of other foods.

Nicki: Okay. Let’s see. Our final question this week is from Rory. He wants to know about a caloric estimate for young children. Rory says, “Is there an estimate for calories per pound when it comes to feeding my almost three year old or any child for that matter, say from two to 12? The teen years of course, make marking the onset of self-consciousness and peer pressure, thus thwarting any biological hard-wiring towards survival or is she still young enough to be biologically incapable of starving herself? At which point, I should just trust that she has a normally functioning, satiety signals? I ask specifically, about my daughter because as is par for the course in America, she received antibiotics immediately after being born. So it’s not a stretch for me to imagine that she could have some kind of gut imbalance that could cause hormone dysregulation with her leptin and ghrelin.”

Robb: Good question, but my gut sense is, Rory’s probably being a little too worried about this. Also, I don’t know how early… How old did she say?

Nicki: Three.

Robb: She said she’s three.

Nicki: Almost three.

Robb: Okay. I mean, I know there are some benchmarks out there. I think it’s something like 16 or 18 calories per pound or maybe it’s 20 calories per pound. I forget off the top of my head, but it’s a lot of calories generally. But even if you know this, then it’s like you’re going to weigh and measure their food and then, you need to weigh and measure what they didn’t eat and you need to separate out the protein, carbs, fat.

Nicki: That’s a lot of work.

Robb: It’s a lot of fucking work. The risk-reward deal, I just don’t see. Yeah.

Nicki: I think you feed them and they eat until they’re-

Robb: Full.

Nicki: … full. Especially if you’re feeding him unprocessed, real foods, they’re not going to overeat.

Robb: Right and they will generally not under eat and also, kids tend to cycle.

Nicki: They do cycle, yeah.

Robb: Zoe and Sagan, it’s funny. We don’t have a pool, but our friend has a pool and we’ve been taking them swimming. On the days when they swim, they don’t really eat that much and you’re like, “Man, they should be really hungry.” But then I tell you what, the next day, they eat everything that’s not nailed down. They just don’t want to get out of the water. So they might have an Epic bar or something like that and just kind of a little snack here and there. But they’re so excited to swim that they won’t get out and they might do a half decent dinner. But then oftentimes, they are so smoked by the end of the day of swimming. I mean, like six hours of swimming. There in the sun and all the rest of that. They don’t even really eat that much. They’re almost passing out at the table.

Robb: But then, the next day they get up and they eat everything. Which I think is a really… that’s a great… In general, kids tend to do a really good job with that. I think that this is something that, over the course of time because of my kind of power lifting background, for ages, I just kind of over ate because I felt like I needed to eat more. I finally, at almost 50, have gotten to a spot where it’s like, if I just kind of sit on my duff all day, I don’t need that much food. Then on the day where I’m real active, I may lift weights and do two hours of Jujitsu, I eat a lot of food that day and then, maybe even the following day I’m like, “Man, I’m pretty hungry.” So I end up eating more.

Robb: If we’re not eating odd foods, I think that the appetite control mechanisms are very well in place and I wouldn’t worry about a round of antibiotics displacing that stuff. It’s a great question to ask, but I wouldn’t be overly concerned about that. Anything else as a mom to cap that off?

Nicki: I don’t think so. I think it is cyclic. I mean, I think that’s fairly normal, where one day they might eat a ton and the next day it tapers off a bit. She’s not going to starve herself.

Robb: Nope. Nope. The thing that we do, we kind of make it a speed bump method. We really kind of hold the kid’s feet to the fire. It’s like, you got eat your protein and then, if you want some more of this other stuff, then we kind of open it up and that works. That works fine.

Robb: We have noticed, even within the two kids, if Sagan in particular, who seems to kind of take after me a little bit more, at least in some ways, if she doesn’t get enough protein, that kid gets cranky, real cranky. It’s just like a switch just flips and then, she’ll eat and she’s good. I think she ends up potentially, getting a little bit of these kind of blood sugar changes, if she’s not getting enough protein. So, you’ll notice a little bit of variability on that.

Robb: Whereas, I think Zoe is a little bit more like you and just a little more even keel, with regards to… She’ll eat a lot of protein, but even if she doesn’t, it doesn’t seem to affect her quite the same way. But Sagan’s also going through growth spurt, so I don’t know how much of that’s going on.

Nicki: She’s sleeping like 15 hours at night.

Robb: Yeah. Yeah and she’s just been sprouting. So that’s a whole other crazy thing to this and it’s been funny all the way along. Now that the girls are basically seven and five, the changes aren’t quite as dramatic. Maybe up to about three years old, maybe four years old, it feels like every time you kind of get dialed in on one sequence, then they change and you’ve got to rejigger things. But they still change over time and for sure right now, Sagan is growing a lot, sleeping a lot and we noticed that if she doesn’t eat well, she will get some cranky McCrankerkins going on. Yeah.

Nicki: Yeah. I think that’s a wrap for this week.

Robb: Yep. Yep. Thank you guys for the awesome questions. Enjoyed doing this, as always. Most of my activity, at least for a while, is still over at Instagram @dasrobbwolf. This episode brought to you by…

Nicki: Drink LMNT, LMNT Recharge and hope you guys are all having a great and safe summer.

Robb: We’ll talk to you guys soon. Take care.

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[wikikarts]

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[whoinwhoville]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Doctor Who (2005) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler Characters: Tenth Doctor, Rose Tyler Additional Tags: Bikini - Freeform, Swimming, jaaaaaaack, embarassed ten Series: Part 3 of Whoville's Follower Milestone Celebration Summary:

The Doctor promises Rose a visit to the best beach in the universe. But then he sees her in a brilliant bikini.

Written for  @goingtothetardis who won my follower milestone celebration ficlet for Ten x Rose canon ficlet. Prompt: Ten sees Rose in a bathing suit for the first time since he regenerated.

Rose bit her thumb. Trying to decide was proving harder than it ever should be.

“That’s what I get for owning twenty swimsuits. Who even has twenty swimsuits? This is ridiculous.”

She pawed through the pile of mismatched tops, bottoms, and one-piece water-wear.

She picked up a one-piece red suit and then tossed it aside remembering that the wrap-style top part was too big and gaped open.

Then the two-piece green tankini - an unfortunate neon phase when she was seventeen.

She picked up a very flattering white bikini - Shireen had convinced her to buy it. The minute she’d jumped into the public pool, she’d heard catcalls. It had gone see-thru. She hadn’t spoken to Shireen for a week. “I didn’t pack this? Why’s this one here?” She heard the TARDIS giggle.

The one-piece black halter had strings that went around her neck. But it had bad habit of coming untied, usually after diving into the pool. Great for tanning, terrible for having fun in the water.

Another black one — a bikini. The bottoms were a wee bit too close to thong territory.

And yet another black one - for exercise. And it felt like a compression suit.

A red bikini. She smiled wickedly and put it in the maybe pile. “Gotta love Miracle Bra.”

A metallic gold bikini — Mickey had bought it after marathoning Star Wars for the umpteenth time. (She crinkled her nose) and tossed it aside.

Pink bikini with a ruffled skirt. “What was I thinking? Am I eight?”

Pink one-piece with teeny white dots — cute pattern, but the leg holes were too low and made her feel like a granny.

White. Not see-thru. Strange smashed mono-boob thing.

She held up a navy blue one-piece. Too small.

She glanced at a sky-blue bikini. “Too much side-boob.”

“And this one is just ugly. Oh yeah, it was on the 85% discount rack at Henrik’s. Does it even fit anymore?” She held it up. “Yeah, it fits. Ugh. I hate throwing out stuff that fits.”

She picked up the red maybe suit and examined it again. “He does seem to like red. He’s always staring at my mouth when I wear that red lipstick. And the red jacket on Satellite Five — I got some good looks up and down in that outfit. But that was then. What about now? I don’t even know what his favorite color is now! Although I could guess it’s brown. I like the brown. I really like the brown. Do I have a brown one? No, I don’t look good in brown. Why would I ever wear a brown bathing suit?” Rose groaned, and fell face-forward into her fluffy comforter.

She lifted her head, and then she saw a suit that she didn’t recognize. It was hanging on the doorknob.

Rose crinkled her forehead as she pulled it off of the shiny silver handle. She held up the top by the bra straps.

“Ooh La La. Never heard of that brand. Cute name. Right size, too.”

There was nothing special about the design of the suit. No embellishments. Just a classic bikini. The color was nice and cheerful. She quickly stripped off her clothing and put it on, and then went into the bathroom to take a look.

She tugged the top, adjusting it so that it covered the parts that needed covering, but showed off the parts that she wanted to show off.

The bottoms fit well and didn’t need to any adjustment.

Rose turned this way and that, looking at her reflection. She smiled. “This makes my bum look good.” With a bite of the lip she tugged the straps, enhancing the push-up effect just slightly. Not too skimpy, not too plain. Just the right bit of oomph.

“And… we have a winner.” She let out a little hooray and quickly gathered the rest of her things and headed out to the console room.

oOo

“Time’s a ticking, Rose Tyler. Chop chop. I promise, you don’t want to miss— the… uh…”

“I’m ready. Let’s go. I can hardly wait to jump into the water.”

The Doctor stood statue-still, feet glued to the grating.

“Something wrong? Do I have spinach in my teeth?”

He tugged his ear. He clasped his hands behind his back. He shoved one hand into a coat pocket, and then the other into the pocket of his trousers, striking an awkward, uneven pose.

“Something must be wrong to got you so tongue-tied. So go on, spit it out.”

“That’s the swimsuit you’re wearing?”

She rolled her eyes. “No, it’s my ballgown. My bikini’s in my bag.”

He blew air through is lips. “Right. Of course. Ha! Your bathing costume. Cossie. Your swim togs. Togs. Toggies. Cozzy. Bathing suit. Definitely not a ballgown. Definitely. Nope. You are a very funny human, Rose Tyler. Very, very funny. And I’ve met some humans who, and I promise you, are very very veeeery funny.” The Doctor gritted a smile. “You know who’s funny? Lucille Ball. Lovely woman. And ginger.” He sighed.

“What are you nattering on about?” she laughed, looping her arm through the acrylic hoops of her pink mesh beach bag.

“Well,” he tugged on his ear, “it’s, you know…” He waved his finger around. “Flattering.”

She smiled slyly. “That’s sorta the point, isn’t it?”

“I think you should change. Might be too… flattering for where we’re going.”

“You said this place was uninhabited. Do the birds have hangups about skin?” she joked.

He cringed.

“I’m not changing, Doctor.”

“The Victorians wore black bathing costumes over big ol’ billowing black bloomers. Ha! Awfully awesome alliteration. Ha HA! I did it again! You’da thought the undertow would have claimed more lives. I never knew how—“

“We aren’t going swimming with Queen Victoria, are we?”

“No! No. Definitely not. She’d would’ve had our heads. Or drawn and quartered. Very unpleasant. Or will take our heads. Or could. She thought you were naked before…” he trailed off.

“So then, what’s the problem, Doctor. You’re turning all red.”

Rose took a step forward.

The Doctor took a step back.

“Oh come off it. You’ve seen me in a million bikinis. What’s wrong with this one? Don’t you like yellow?”

“Yellow is absolutely brilliant. Completely and absolutely outstandingly perfect.”

“I’m going out there. You coming? Or are you just gonna stand there with your gob going nonstop?”

Rose brushed passed the Doctor and pushed the door open, illuminating the TARDIS with cheerful sunlight and the smell of salt air.

The Doctor put on his sunglasses, and slowly dragged his coat from its standard storage spot.

“Maybe it’s not the one. I did throw it away.”

He could swear he heard the TARDIS laugh.

oOo

Rose looked out towards the horizon. Small islands dotted the azure water. The beach was deserted, save the occasional sea bird flying overhead.

“So no people on this planet?”

“Nope.”

“Any dangerous animals?”

“Nope.”

“You coming? I want to get in.”

“Nope.”

“Isn’t it safe? Giant sharks with poisonous fangs? Enormous stinging jellyfish?”

“Nope.”

“Why’d we come then? You told me this was the most beautiful beach in the universe.”

The Doctor swallowed hard.

“Doctor…?” Rose crossed her arms. “What’s going on?”

“Uh… Rose, where’d you get that uh… garment you’re wearing?”

“Garment?” She snorted. “It’s a bikini. Since when did you become such a prude?”

He dragged his hands down his face. “Just answer the question.”

“It was hanging on my doorknob. I don’t know where it came from. The TARDIS must’ve put it there.” She frowned. “Why? Is it poisoned or something? Alien tech that shoots darts out of the bikini top?”

The Doctor blushed fiercely.

“You are so easy to wind up! Come on, tell me! What’s the problem?”

He opened and closed his mouth a few times.

A slow, lopsided grin appeared. “You know what, Doctor? I think you like it. You’ve been looking.” She bit her lower lip. “New New Doctor.” Rose swung her hips as she approached him.

He squeaked.

She was now a hair-breadths away.

“You did say it was flattering.”

“Yes. Very.” He nodded, eyes closed.

Rose laughed and shook her head. “Whatever. Race you to the water!”

She took off, sprinting over the sand.

“Rose!” he bellowed. “Stop! Don’t go in the water!”

“No way!” she called over her shoulder. “You brought me swimming, so I’m gonna swim.”

The Doctor dropped onto his bum, and buried his face in his hands.

He heard her squeal as she dove into the cool, but refreshing surf.

But then she screamed.

And she screamed again. Louder.

“I’m so sorry!” he yelled hiding his eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” she screeched. “You put this thing in my room, didn’t you? Thought you’d play a joke?”

The Doctor pulled his lanky frame off of the sand and slowly walked backwards to the edge of the water.

“It wasn’t me, Rose. I promise. I thought the thing was gone.”

But then he heard laughing.

And then he heard sloshing.

Louder and louder. Closer and closer.

He ran up the beach, and again walked backwards, this time carrying his long, brown, full-coverage coat.

“Here. Put this on.” He held it out to her behind his back.

“Nope.” Splash, splash.

“It wasn’t my fault. Do you believe me?”

“Nope.” Splash, splash, splash, splash.

“It was Jack!” he exclaimed. “He bought it! Thought it’d be funny. You know his sense of humour. I put it in the rubbish bin. Thought the TARDIS incinerated it.”

“Apparently not,” she purred.

“Come on Rose, take the coat,” he begged.

“Nope.”

She was right behind him now. He could feel her breath on his neck. And he could feel her skin on his back. Her wet, uncovered, soft, and very bare skin.

And then Rose took the coat and slipped it on.

“You can turn around now,” she purred.

“You know what I think?”

“Nope.”

“I think you wanted me to wear the bikini. You didn’t tell me about it, because you knew what was gonna happen and wanted it to happen.”

“Nope.”

“But you did know what would happen?”

He was quiet. “Yep.”

“I am a bit disappointed, though.”

The Doctor turned around.

“Why?”

“Best bikini I’ve ever had. And now it’s gone. Dissolved straight away.” She raised an eyebrow. “So, did Jack buy you a pair of swim trunks?”

[themind-on-paper]

Remember.... part 2 

You can read part 1 here.  I’m doing a little crossover of two series for this story. Hoop you like it. 

3 months later.

You were sitting at the bar with a drink you hand. You were traveling the around the VS in the past 3 months. You were getting a last drink when a guy came to sit next to you. He shoved the bar seat closer to you. He sat on it and was now facing your way. You didn’t even look at him. You could smell his breath alcohol and a mix of cigarettes.

“HI” You hear the man say. You don’t respond to him not even look towards him. “HI” He says louder now also touching your arm. You look towards him. He was just about 24 years old, he had this curly blond hair and a great smile and then you saw his eyes. They were pitch black. How was that possible.  

“Are you alone?” He says snapping you out of your thoughts.

“No” You said to him turning back to your own drink.

The man chuckles a little bit. “Yes you are.” He says touching your arm again. He goes with his hand down your arm and rested it on your leg. “I live nearby.” He continues. You know right away what he wanted. You paid you drink and started walking to the door not giving the man another chance to talk to you.

You walked out of the bar and went to a side street leading right to your hotel.

In just a few seconds you feel a hand on you neck. It makes you turn around and in just a matter of moments a person is pinning you towards the wall. The person has his hand on your neck tighten it up you could barely breath. You get a look at the man and you recognise him right away it was the same men who just talked to you. Your sight begins to darken till you pass out.

You heard two man talk. You couldn’t understand what they were saying. You tried to open your eyes but they were too heavy. You took a few deep breaths and tried to concentrate on the two voices.

“Dean this is bad.” You heard one of the man say. “We shouldn’t have brought her here.”

“Sammy I know but what else could we do?” The other man says. “After she wakes up  we look how she is doing and then we get back on the road.” the man continues.

You tried to open your eyes again now successful. In front of you saw another  bed. You saw a man sitting on it with the back against the wall. You didn’t recognised him. You looked down to see how the room looked like, It looked a lot like your own hotel room but just with 2 beds. Another man appears in your eye sight. He looked younger than the man sitting on the bed. He looked towards you.

“Dean she’s awake.” He says walking towards you.

The man who was sitting on the bed was now in front of you.

You move your hands to your head rubbing it.

“Are you okay?” one of them said.

You nod your head.

“Dean give her some room. She just woke up.” you looked towards the men. One of them took a step back. “Can you sit up?” The younger guy continued.

You sat up with you back resting on the wall. You look at the both of the man.

“I’m Dean.” the man that sat on the bed said. “and this is my little brother Sammy.” he continued pointing to the other guy.

“My name is Sam.” the younger guy said. “what’s your name?”

“I’m y/n” You said to them.

You stare at both of them.

“How did I get here?” You asked them.

The man looked at each other.

“We saw this guy pin you up the wall. Before we could save you had already blacked out. After that we brought you here till you woke up.” Sam said

“I remember the man….” You said to them. In your mind the eyes of man pop up again “He had this black eyes.” You continued.

The men looked at each other. Dean looked back at you first. He had this look on his face like he had a secret he couldn’t tell. None of the man said anything. Dean walked away from me to the middle of the room. There was this little table with 2 chairs. He picks up bag from the table and walks back. He handles you a white paper bag.

“Eat this.” He says to you. You look at him and at Sam. Sam has now a little smile on his face. He nods towards you. You open the bag and you saw a cheeseburger in it. You took it out of the bag and took a bite. Your stomach began to protest right away wanting it out of your body.

“Where's the bathroom?” You ask quickly. Both of them sign towards a door and you jumped as fast as possible out of bed and run towards the door.

You came out of the bathroom and both man were looking towards you. “Thank you.” You said to them. “but I think I should go.” You continued. Both men nod their heads.

“I will bring you home.” Dean says quickly. They help you get your stuff together and Dean leaves with you.

When both of you were outside you saw that you were in the hotel as how you expected a few minutes ago. You walked towards a hallway that would lead you to your room.

“What are you doing?” Dean asked walking behind you.

“I’m also staying here.” You say to him.

After a few minutes you reach your room. You opened the door and you walk in the room not bothering to close the door behind you. You walk to your backpack and search for the aspirin. After you found you took them. You look back at the door. The door was still open and Dean was now in your room. He was looking around the room.

“Where you heading?” He asks

“Dont know.” You said to him. “I’m just wandering around city’s till I found something that keeps me there.”

“Why?” He asks you.

“Because I don’t have anything better to do.” You say to him.

“When are you heading out again?”

“I think I will leave early tomorrow.” You say to him. You walk towards the door. You looked back at Dean. You sign for him to leave.

“Yeah, maybe I see you tomorrow but well …uhm….  good luck.” He says walking out of the room. You close the door behind him and laid on the bed. You needed to rest.

You woke up the next morning around 7am. You felt good, you were fit and was prepared to to head out again. You took a shower and gone out for breakfast.

Across the street from the hotel there was this coffee place. You walked towards it. Inside you saw Sam sit in one of the booths. He looks towards you and gives you a little smile. You smiled back. What the hell you thought and you start walking towards him.

“Can I sit with you?” You ask him.

He nods at you with a smile on his face and signs with his hand for you to sit at his booth. In just a few seconds the waitress is next to you.

“Can I get you something sweetie?” she says to you.

“Can I have a coffee and a little of your apple pie?” You say to her.

“Of Course sweetie.” She says. “Do you need a refill?” She says now towards Sam.

“Yes please” He replies.

After she had refill Sam’s coffee she walked away from the table.

“I heard from Dean that you're leaving today.” Sam says.

“Yeah that’s true.” You reply

“Where are you heading?”

“Don’t know yet. I heard you guys yesterday saying that you were going to hit the road again. Where are you guys going?” You ask him.

“Where the job take us.” He says without hesitating. When the last word left his mouth he looks at you with a surprise on his face. Like he shouldn’t tell you that.

“What kinda work do you guys do?”

“We.. uhm we are salesman.” He says.

“You're lying.” You say to him. “Salesman don’t travel the country.”

You see Sam swallow. The waitress then approaches your table and set the coffee and the pie in front of you.  

“Thank you” You say to her. She nods and walks away.

“Sam I don’t care what kind of work you guys do.” You say taking a sip of your coffee.  “Witch way are you guys going? Maybe you could drop me somewhere?” You continued. You looked at him and you see him relax.

He gives you a little smile before saying. “We're going north. Just tell me where you would like to be dropped and we take you there.”

“Thank you.” You say to him.

After that both of you sit quite. Sam is going threw his computer and you are eating your breakfast and looking out of the window. In the reflection of the window you see the screen of Sam’s laptop. You try to read what he's searching for but you couldn’t make out a word threw the window. You see him click on a link, a new web page opens. You see  VAMPIRES written in large letters.

“Sam why are you searching for vampires?” You ask him. You knew your being nosy but you really wanted to know. He looks at you surprised. “I can see it thru the window.” You say to him. He looks at the window and looks back at you. You can see him puzzling his answer in his mind.

“I’m just curious.” He says with a smile.

“Hey there you are.” You hear someone say in the coffee place. Both of you look towards the person when you see it’s Dean. He’s heading towards you guys.

“Nice to see you again, y/n” He says to you with a smile on his face. He looks at the pie you still had on your plate and says “Is that apple pie?”

“Yes.. Do you want a bite?” You ask him.

He doesn’t say anything he just nods your head. You scoop up in your seat so he can sit next to you and you gave him the rest of the pie.

“Are you sure?” He asks

“Yeah, I’m not hungry anymore.” You say giving him a smile. He smiles back and just begins to eat the pie. Sam is looking at Dean and shaking his head.

“I love pie.” Dean says with a full mouth of pie.

“I notice.” You say smiling.

Dean is getting the last bite of the pie in his mouth when the waitress comes around or table.

“Can I get you something?” She says towards Dean.

He swallowed what he has in his mouth and says “Yes, can I have a piece of apple pie and a coffee.” The waitress nods and walks away.

Dean has now his focus on you. “I thought you were leaving in the morning?” He says

“I’m leaving with you guys.” You said with a big smile on your face.

He looks confused. He looks towards Sam and back at you. “What do you mean?”

“You guys are giving me a ride.”