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destinygoldenstar · 2 years

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Just A Couple Of Fun Headcanons Of TD Characters (Harold)

- Harold is a middle child of three children, with an older brother and a younger sister.

- When Harold was born, he had about ten surgeries in the span of a month. There was that many complications to his birth.

- This mostly happened because of his father, who was a heavy smoker. (Explain his messed up vocal cords) (And NO, no one else in this family does that. If I ever headcanon that any character smokes, I am high)

- Harold is autistic. (I know a LOT of people headcanon that for a lot of TD characters, mostly so they can project themselves onto them. But for me, that’s not the case. For the first gen, the autism headcanon just applies to three people. Harold is one of them.)

- Harold doesn’t know much about his father besides that fact, and that he resembles a lot of his father’s genetics. He wouldn’t ask too many questions about him. Needless to say, his parents divorced when he was around two years old. No the dad doesn’t visit.

- Harold was heavily hospitalized at the start of his life. He said it himself, he contracted nearly three hundred diseases, so the hospital was basically his home. It took about a year for him to learn to walk.

- Harold was the only member of his family with these issues. His siblings are relatively healthy, and whatever illnesses that caught were minor. Harold, from experience, would try to play the doctor role, even if they don’t ask for it.

- Most of the doctors thought that Harold wouldn’t live a long life. Someday his many illnesses would catch up to him.

- Harold, in his time in the hospital, read a lot of comics. Specifically, about superheroes and ninjas. He’s a massive fan about every TV show involving ninjas. You could say they’re his special interest. These stories definitely pushed him through his sick life.

- Harold taught himself how to read. And math. And a lot of science facts. And historical facts. And you get it.

- Harold was very curious about the world and all it’s glory. It’s mostly because it took a long time for him to actually get out there. Down to the smallest atoms of content there. It made him want to know everything.

- Harold watches Game Theory. He rips off the concept a lot.

- Harold is an anime fan. Say hello to the weeb of the TD cast.

- Harold does LEGOS. He has a lot of the Ninjago sets. He’ll also make hour long analysis videos on Ninjago lore and explain it’s many plot holes. (Not sorry. But I grew up with Ninjago so you know. I do love that show.)

- Harold is a KPop fan. (The unfollow button is right there)

- Harold taught himself first aid. With multiple allergies, and the fact that he gets hurt a lot, he’s always prepared for the worst.

- Harold didn’t start school until he was eight. That was when he became healthy enough to get some form of education. Almost instantly, he was bullied by a few jerks, due to being ‘old’ and only in preschool. However, he instantly proved himself as a very smart kid, with all his random facts helping him.

- Harold skipped several grades, and got to the level of is age group in only the span of two years. He’s a straight A student all the way. He’s in honors on everything, even.

- Except for PE. He can’t do that without getting some sort of asthma attack. One time a strict coach pushed that and Harold almost choked to death. That coach got fired immediately.

- Harold has an aggressively low BMI. He has a hard time gaining weight because he has a fast metabolism. There’s a limit to what he can eat anyway.

- Despite never having a dad, Harold loves his mom. She’s very supportive of him and puts in the effort to understand her kid. (From the past headcanon posts I’ve made with TD characters having bad parents, hopefully this is a breath of fresh air.)

- Harold has a decent relationship with his sister. She doesn’t find much value in him, but he takes the time to braid her hair, and she listens to him geeking out about his favorite media. Though she doesn’t care.

- If there’s any member of his family Harold has a complicated relationship with, it’s his brother. Actually, that’s an understatement. These two hate each other. This guy was basically the Duncan before Total Drama, but way less brotherly by the end. That’s irony right there. It’s mostly due to jealousy of Harold’s hospitality getting him more attention than the oldest of the kids, and the fact that Harold’s habits are disgusting, his voice is grating, and he never shuts up. Most of their interactions is just Harold’s brother bullying him to no end. Pranks. Fighting. Galore. He would even invite several of his friends over just to make Harold miserable. It’s a hobby now. The mom grounds the bully multiple times, but no one listens. Duncan’s kind of a blessing compared to this guy.

- This is why Harold isn’t crying when being bullied. It’s a casualty. So the harshest reaction would be “Aw s**t, here we go again...”

- Harold learned how to defend himself after awhile. Half of the stuff he got in trouble for. This is not the first time he’s cheated someone, as he has plenty of experience.

- One time when his brother fell in love with a girl in high school, Harold sent that girl several uncomfortable posts about him to make her reject him. The brother found out and locked Harold in the car for days. The mom was out of the house then and he was in charge, so Harold was left in there.

- When the mom came back and found this out, she offered him a day out of school to spend time with her so he could chill, eat all his favorite stuff, and watch whatever show he wanted. And the brother? He was thrown in night school for his stunt.

- Harold wrote a poem titled: ‘Why does my brother hate me?’ It’s badly made, as you’d expect, but the end of that poem says that there was a ninja invasion at the mall, and the MC abandoned their brother to feed him to the invaders... so yeah, when he showed this to show and tell in school, the teacher said that it was... something.

- And that brother is his worst bully, but there’s several others too. School isn’t too kind of him. Some classmates use plenty of verbal insults or take advantage of his nature. They steal his work without consent, and get away with it. They put tacks on his seat, and get away with it. It’s only when Harold stands up for himself that the teachers do anything, and that’s punish Harold.

- Harold doesn’t have a lot of friends. Those that do are more so only friends with him because they’re in the same fandoms.

- Harold puts his hair up in a samurai bun.

- Harold loves cosplaying as his favorite characters. He has a ton of costumes he hates throwing out, more so than actual clothes.

- Harold adores his shoes. He wears them around the house all the time and never takes them off. Not even in bed or in the shower. Sometimes he forgets he’s even wearing them.

- Harold spends his entire summer in summer camps. From the very first summer he got out of the hospital. He wanted to see the entire world and know everything about everything. Obviously, the summer camps teach him a lot of his many mad skills.

- Except beatboxing. He learned that from his brother, who beatboxes in the showers poorly.

- Since his father isn’t around, Harold likes to imagine his father is Steve. They’re not blood related or anything, but he likes to imagine that his dad came back for him to be his mentor. (Steve isn’t his actual father though)

- All the camps he’s been too were listed in the show. I don’t think I need to explain what he can do. He’s got the masters badges for every single subject there is in those camps.

- Harold’s dream is to become a ninja superhero. He wants to wield ninja stars as his prime weapon, and save several citizens from the villains of the world. He would be so skilled and strong, successful, and honorable, and everybody would love him and see him as a savior.

- Everyone laughs at this dream when he says it. To them, he’s just a dweeb.

- He wants to die of honor. Hopefully after living a long life. His biggest fear is perishing with no story for people to remember him by. He doesn’t want to just be ‘sick boy equals automatic sympathy’.

- He auditioned for Total Drama to try and fulfill that dream and make a name for himself.

- I guess you could say he’s not throwing away his shot? (Eh? Eh? I’m terrible)

- Chris and Chef were NOT originally gonna cast him. They thought it was a whole lot of nothing from him. However, one of their other choices, upon further research, was blind. Chris, being the offensive guy he is, decided that was gonna drive him nuts, so he went with Harold as a replacement. (From my Owen headcanon post and this, I think you get the message that these producers are incredibly petty and disrespectful)

- Leshawna was his first crush ever. He had no idea how to deal with it. Being an anime fan does not help matters.

- He wanted to keep his letters a secret from everyone because he knew they would torment him for it. After all, what good is he for a goddess like her?

- After the clothes bullying, Harold stored his clothes in a cave to make sure that never happened again.

- DJ and Geoff eventually apologized to Harold about the bullying, though it took longer for Geoff to do so. Harold and DJ on the other hand are on good terms.

- Duncan of course, never apologized for his behavior. As we saw on the show, it got to Harold’s skin and resulted in him rigging off Courtney.

- Harold McGrady is a horndog. The fanservice is everything to him.

- Harold went into hiding from Courtney almost instantly. Canonically, he never came out in the open because of how bad and worse Courtney’s threats were. If he wanted to eat, he had to wait extremely late at night and eat from the garbage since food wouldn’t be left out at that time. And even then, Courtney was taking all nighters just to find and kill Harold. She’s THAT crazy.

- This is also how he met the remaining Drama Brothers (The others are Gophers after all)

- It was around the time Trent was eliminated. Harold was hiding under the bed of Cody’s guest room. Cody ended up catching him there, which caused a bit of freaking out. Cody agreed to keep him hidden from Courtney and even offered to bring some barbeque back for them both. During that, Cody ran into Trent arriving at the resort, and eventually Justin, and the three of them came back to Harold. They got to know each other quite a bit from there, and even discovering each other’s music talent.

- Courtney never apologized about beating him up, or felt bad about Leshawna’s boot. She claimed Harold deserved it.

- Harold was bawling when Leshawna arrived at the resort, about how he couldn’t protect her... it ended up being awkward.

- Harold, technically canon, planned a whole future with Leshawna when they’re in their thirties. He became in denial when Leshawna turned him down, and he drowned away his sorrow in grape soda.

- Harold loves grape soda. It’s his favorite thing to drink.

- I just want to make one thing clear: Harold’s flirts come across as fetish because he doesn’t know how to deal with a crush. I said it in my Noah defense post that TD does not have its characters blatantly say they care about others, or how they feel. Unless it’s a confessional, the writers kinda leave you with what’s shown on the show and leaves you to connect the dots to coherent characterization. So here’s my predicament on this specifically:

- I do NOT fault anyone for saying Harold fetishizes Leshawna. They’re... right. It’s also one reason why Leshawna does not hook up with him. Though it’s kinda part of Harold’s character development in Action where he sees how... morally complicated Leshawna is and what exactly he loves about her in the first place. And the snail? Letting that go is kinda him letting go of the guarantee that they’d get together, and fully respecting her choice to not want to be around him. So in my perspective, he does improve that fetishizing rubbish. Heck, even in Baby (the worst World Tour song next to Chinese Lesson, sorry not sorry) he does kind of address this. (Geez that was torture to listen to on loop)

- With that said, Action Harold is my favorite TD character ever. If the season ONLY had Harold on screen, the season is a 10/10 masterpiece. My opinion tho. Please do not take this point seriously.

- Harold sees Heather as a friend first, and a crush second.

- When Action rolled around, Harold wanted to win the season. With NO cheating. He was ready to prove himself.

- When Leshawna bad mouthed them, Heather consoled Harold, who was the most upset about it. She told him he shouldn’t worry about her and just look out for number one. She and Harold became friends around the time Heather was eliminated from that season.

- Harold will always regret the day he voted Leshawna off the show. It haunts him in his sleep.

- Harold and Beth are NOT friends. Harold heavily called out Beth for sexually harassing him, for NO good reason mind you. (Do not ask me to do a Beth headcanon post. I do not like her character at all)

- Aside from these, canon Harold is just that good that I have minimal things I feel I need to headcanon. Except for the end. I WISH I could say Harold won the season, even if it was an alt ending. But this is one thing I CAN’T headcanon because it contradicts canon. So, for what we got, I’m gonna try my best...

- Harold was very upset with himself that he lost the show. Over a SPIDER of all things. (Canon be stupid) I mean, Harold was THIS CLOSE, THIS CLOSE to proving his bullies wrong and achieving fame and glory, what he came on the show for. He was THIS CLOSE to proving everyone that they were wrong about him and that he could do great things... but he failed. Now all those people end up being right. His bullies, Duncan, his brother, they were all right about him. Fame was completely out of his reach.

- He was in denial about the idea he wouldn’t have the story he wanted to tell about his life. He wanted fame. He wanted glory. He wanted everyone to know who Harold McGrady was.

- The Drama Brothers was Trent’s idea, but Harold immediately begged to join in.

- Harold was considered the least popular Drama Brother.

- That’s why he disbanded from the group. He thought a solo album would get him his fame and make people see him. His friends, as you might expect, were disgusted by his ego.

- So yeah, he kinda pushed away the people who cared about him. All for a title that no one cared for. It even caused Leshawna to distance herself from him, as much as she didn’t want to.

- Needless to say, the failure to make any relevance really got to Harold, and he took certain extents to cope.

- Next no nobody remembers this from Celebrity Manhunt, and it’s kind of confusing as it only appears one scene then is forgotten about, but it is technically canon. Harold let himself go. You know he did when I said previously he had a hard time gaining weight. Basically, he gained weight on purpose as he thought his fragile health was the issue as to why no one cared about him. So he started binging. That only made him look pregnant and did next to no favors otherwise. He made excuses, as shown in that quick scene, but Duncan will tell you that he clearly had a problem. (Again, he had a hard time gaining weight so it took very little effort for him to lose it in time for the reunion)

- The weight gaining started AFTER Harold disbanded from the Drama Brothers. Yes, the scene and the disbanding shown in Celebrity Manhunt are played the other way around, but there’s zero evidence of the weight issue during the disbanding montage, and there’s no real indication that any of the clips in that special were in the order of which they happened. So in my headcanon, it was out of order on what happened.

- And yes Duncan was there. These two did forgive each other after Action and agreed in their relationship being ‘rivals’. They’ve actually been there for each other quite a few times during the year gap. Harold sees Duncan as a brother This is one instance where Duncan had to smack sense into Harold, sometimes physically. Ironic since Duncan essentially stole the win Harold wanted.

- Harold sees Duncan as more of a brother than his own brother.

- This ego persisted in World Tour. Obviously. He wanted to be the leader of Team Victory and lead them to, well, victory. Obviously, he failed. It was a bit of a harsh moment for him, as it was very clearly his fault. As we saw, Alejandro influenced him that the right thing to do for the people he cared about was to preserve honor and just... disappear. That’s exactly what he did in his Harold way.

- Also obviously, no one bought any emotional investment in his ‘redemption’. But it was enough for him.

- Harold continued working with the Drama Brothers after the show, and they’ve carried a modest place in their generation.

- Harold got Cody and Justin into K/Pop.

- Harold and Cody do Ninjago marathons. (In case you’re wondering, Harold’s favorite ninja is Jay)

- Harold and Leshawna did hook up after the show. They decided to work things out.

- Harold often loves impressing his girl. He’ll pretend to have every mad skill in the book to show off to her. Even when he fails them, she laughs and supports him.

- Harold and Leshawna go to cosplay conventions together. Their favorite one was Star Trek.

- Harold got into an algebra college. He easily got an honors scholarship.

- What did he do with that scholarship? He became a middle school math teacher... and he hates his job. (This was NOT his ideal career choice)

- His students really see Harold as a pushover.

- Harold tried to get a more impressive career everywhere, auditioning for music bands, movies, even the military, but they all said he was not what they were looking for.

- This did get Harold some internet fame though from his multiple attempts at auditioning. He kind of became a social media guy and a YouTuber. He’s an analytic if you’re wondering.

- The opinion that got Harold the most backlash online? He hates Harry Potter.

- Harold made some pretty bad money choices in his time, it’s why he’s still living in a cheap apartment in the city, and even then he still barely scratches rent.

- Justin retired from the Drama Brothers to move to Hollywood North. And Trent is taking care of his family. Cody keeps the name afloat, but he doesn’t see Harold too often because he’s bitter from Harold spending more time with his career than helping him with his unhappy marriage.

- Harold and Leshawna ended up breaking up. Why? Her family did not approve of Harold, especially when they learned about his medical conditions, making it so that he couldn’t give Leshawna any kids. Yes, this family wanted Leshawna to have kids, even if neither of them wanted that. Leshawna herself did want marriage, but the idea scared Harold, as he thought he couldn’t provide for her with his career and life. That reason only proved he cared more about his shot at fame than her. He broke her heart.

- Harold and Heather are still in touch, and occasionally help each other out. Even if Harold still hates Alejandro, her boyfriend. In fact, a year or two after the breakup, it was Heather who encouraged Harold to try and get Leshawna back. She saw he was willing to at least apologize to her and ask for a second chance. So they did meet again, and were happy to see each other again...

- But Leshawna was engaged to a celebrity. Jose Burromuerto, as ironic and uncomfortable and disgusting as it is. (Yes, Heather hates Leshawna as an in law, not because of their rocky dynamic, but because of their partners.)

- It was not a happy marriage, her family forced her into it, but she went along with it anyway. Harold knew this, especially when she opened up to him about it, but he felt powerless to stop it. He couldn’t even protect anyone.

- Cody came back into Harold’s life when he learned that Harold was going through a bit of medical issues. The guy shut down. They both got to apologize for being selfish towards the other. Cody was able to use his wealth to get Harold some doctors and therapists, and he would always visit to help him out. Harold, in return, supported Cody through the marriage, and though it took a few years, he was able to convince Cody to get a divorce.

- Cody also became a co-editor in Harold’s videos. And an occasional guest in them. But even Cody draws the line with Harold’s hatred of Harry Potter.

- Even Harold’s mother took time to still visit him and help him as much as she needs. She heard him out and supported him. She encouraged him that she was proud of him and what he could do. It’s not what he wanted, but he’s got a great life ahead of him. Se truly sees that.

- Leshawna had a daughter with Jose. Harold did not attend the baby shower. He was still bitter about the marriage. She understood, and didn’t bug him about it. Though she missed him.

- Harold and Cody took a vacation to California to see Justin. They were happy to see each other again and bring back a band of friends. Justin even let them be around his paparazzi's, and tell them these were his friends.

- Trent came back to the band. Though Justin was out from where he lived, the remaining three Brothers did some music videos on Harold’s channel. Even though Trent’s not a fan of the genre, he let them do a bit of K/Pop.

- Harold actually became pretty happy with his teacher career. Not because he liked it, and his students are kind of jerks, but because he has a life outside of that, and he can be remembered outside of that.

- Leshawna and Jose got a divorce. Leshawna made her own choice outside of what the expectations around her wanted. Jose acknowledged that she and their daughter would be happier with a different husband/father. She and Heather still consider each other in laws, just for the sake of another reason to argue over nothing. Leshawna kept her daughter.

- She came back to Harold in open arms, though they took things slow yet again, they got back together and Harold occasionally babysat her kid. It took years of Leshawna asking and asking and asking and asking, they got married.

- They have a modest life, the money mostly from Leshawna. She occasionally does bug Harold about the YouTuber life being unpaid, but she doesn’t make him quit. Harold’s a stepfather to his wife’s daughter, and he puts in as much effort as he can to be a good dad to her.

- Harold’s channel is called: “H-Bomb The Ninja”

(Out of ALL the TD characters I could’ve done, some even with more to work with, I chose Harold to do next. Harold was actually the first character I made headcanons for and most of these are just going off of my notes I made a bit ago. How was it I didn’t do him first again? Yeah, Harold is one of my favorite characters in TD. I love him. So he gets favorite character syndrome. I keep saying Heather is the better character and I like Noah’s potential and dialogue far more, but hey, Harold might actually be my favorite deep down and I’m in denial.)

#Total Drama #headcanons #Td Harold #Td Leshawna #Td Heather #Td Duncan #Td Cody #Td Drama Brothers #Total Drama Island #Total Drama Action #Total Drama World Tour #Lesharold

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shion-yu · 1 year

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Gave myself almost-pneumonia and my couch looks like a damn stock photo.

Since the whole time I’ve been like, “Am I living one of my shitty fanfictions? Coz this sucks.” Let me tell y’all a story.

Cold weather sucks as a severe asthmatic. I moved to the South so I didn’t have to deal with the frigid winters of upstate NY. I’m basically on and off sick until Spring comes (and then there’s allergy season but I digress). I think it’s helped some, but my lungs are just fucked up ok?

Anyways I went to a concert last Saturday and it was freezing. Then I went to the zoo on Sunday with a friend and it was also cold and swarming with kids who don’t know how to cover their mouths when they cough. It was a great weekend but by Tuesday I was sick - great. I had some warning bc my friend I went to the zoo with said they got sick yesterday. But it just seemed like a minor cold and I’ve been through this a million times, I truly did not think it was gonna get too much worse. My asthma was mostly under control and I rested a lot all week.

Thursday I’m more tired, but I start nebulizer treatments and even skip ice skating class and reschedule it for Saturday bc hey, I’m responsible. But Friday I start to feel worse. Like to the point where everybody at work is like wtf go home and one of them told me she’s gonna get me holy water. But it’s okay, it’s still been SO much worse and I’m really fine.

Saturday morning I wake up and I feel like I’m cured. So I go to ice skating class. And maybe I take a little walk in the rain. Bad fuckin idea. By the end of the day I’m having full blown asthma attacks one after the other and sweating like crazy. My abdomen is aching from coughing so much that it hurts to sit up. But I really don’t want to go to the ER. Not again. So I message my pulmonologist and hope I can just say never mind I’m good now by the time he answers on Monday.

That brings us to today, Sunday. I woke up at 6am after only 4 hours of sleep because I can’t stop choking. I’m sneezing and coughing up fluorescent green stuff, my throat tastes like blood and I have a fever. I really, really didn’t want to go to the doctor but it’s time. I drag my sorry ass to urgent care where the entire hour I sit in waiting, everybody who walks by gives me a ‘goddamn’ look because I’m coughing loud enough to alert the entire damn office. I’m so embarrassed bc what if they think I’m being dramatic and wasting time - again? I awkwardly explain my situation and the doctor sends me for CXR. When it comes back he says “Well, you don’t have pneumonia yet but see alllll this stuff here? That’s inflammation. I’m gonna prescribe antibiotics and (way heavier) steroids and you might have bronchitis already but your asthma is so bad that it’s indistinguishable by now. Also with your lungs you probably won’t be able to tell you have pneumonia until it’s pretty bad.”

So anyways, that’s my week. At least I got a lot of writing done for Whumptober - didn’t have to dig very deep to find enough misery to go around to all my fav OCs lol.

#self obs #taken before I got a 10x higher dose of steroids and also antibiotics #brought to you by ~asthma~#almost pneumonia bc the doc said I probably have bronchitis but my asthma is so bad they’re indistinguishable at this point #CXR questionable #so that’s fun #anyways it’d be hot if it wasn’t me so here ya go #sicknario #snzario #snz #snzblr #snz kink #snzfucker #flu whump #illness whump #asthma #coughing

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thelibrarylesstrektraveled · 2 years

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Breathe Free (Part Two)

Summary: You were perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, thank you very much! Dean knew that, he also knew better. He’d seen you sick plenty of times in the past five years, but this was different. This was much more than a cold, but you were so stubborn about doctors! Dean Winchester isn’t about to let you slip away, even if it means going against your wishes. He only hopes he’s not too late!

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader, Dean x Reader, Dean x You

Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Reader

Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Sickfic, Sick!Reader, Hospitals, Kissing, fluff

Word Count: 5873

One Shot - Two Parts

Author’s Notes: I have been sick with Covid for a month. Well… down sick for 2 ½ weeks and recovering my stamina for 2 more. Its been a real bitch. Plus my disabled mother has it now. This is following a nervous breakdown I had in June. Writing has been my passion and my mental health balm, but I’ve not been able to produce anything in months. So this… this is a fucking triumph!! I’m still working on all my other WIP, so please stick around. I’ll get there… eventually :) I’m hoping to finish part two shortly and post in a week… ish.

Thank you all for the continued support! Additional Notes: Still hanging in there, long covid is a bitch, but it does improve. More or less. I am SO happy with myself that I’ve finished a story! Even a little self-indulgent two parter. As always, thank you all! Your kind words and encouragement have really helped me. Love you guys :) Masterlist Breathe Free (Part One)

Hospitals were noisy places. Filled with squeaking wheels, scuffling shoes, and code calls. The ICU was worse with its beeping monitors and hissing ventilators. The constant stream of nurses and doctors talking in hushed concern about things like hypoxia and bradypnea and other terrifying medical babble.

This wasn’t the first time Dean sat beside someone he cared about while they lingered between life and death. He was a hunter; it came with the gig. Broken bones and bullet holes. The waiting and the worrying were pure hell, and he would know. It was the reason he was so quick to put himself in the line of fire. Not just to save a life, but to spare himself the agony of the wait. Minutes that ticked by endlessly, ratcheting up the uncertainty. Underscoring just how powerless he was.

Never did it cross his mind that illness would snatch you away from him. That you would simply get sick, like a normal person. Pneumonia could be dangerous for anyone, but for someone with asthma, it could be deadly.

You were sedated for three days while the ventilator breathed for you and gave your body a chance to rest and heal. The doctors assured him that it was standard procedure, but damn was it intense. Dean had never seen you look so fragile. So pale. You looked as if you could slip away at any moment, the only thing keeping you tethered to the Earthly realm were the wires and tubes attached to your body.

Dean took your hand. He wondered about your soul. Were you here with him? Watching from somewhere nearby? Or were you negotiating with a reaper? Would you bargain for more time, or would you choose heaven? A soul like yours was guaranteed a ticket to the penthouse.

It was in times like this that he cursed his profession. What good was a lifetime’s worth of supernatural knowledge if he couldn’t use it to save you? God knows he tried. He tried every trick in the book, in the end it was Sam who talked sense into him.

“She doesn’t need you to sell your soul Dean! She just needs you. Be there, hold her hand, tell her it’s going to be okay. Let her know she isn’t alone.”

Sammy was right, as he usually was. The nurses said you’d shown enough improvement that they were taking you off the ventilator today. As much as Dean wanted to believe it, he was cautious in his optimism.

He was so wrapped up in his own worry that he didn’t notice your fingers shifting against his palm. Your eyelids fluttered, then went still. It was so slight, that Dean thought he’d imagined it.

He desperately searched your face and held his breath. God please…

“Y/N?”

A few seconds later you did it again, this time you gave his hand a proper squeeze and Dean felt like his heart was going to burst.

He squeezed back, his other hand coming up to brush your cheek, “Y/N… baby, can you hear me?”

After several tries, you finally managed to open your eyes fully. Exhausted, you looked around the room. When your gaze landed on Dean, he smiled. You tried to say his name and when you couldn’t, you panicked! Choking on the tube shoved down your throat, your eyes went wide.

“Hey! It’s okay! You’re in the hospital, Sweetheart. Just stay calm. We’ll get that tube out, let me go get the nurse.”

He stood and your grip became desperate. And strong. Incredibly strong. Tears trickled from the corners of your eyes as you tried to convey your thoughts. You were wide awake, and you needed him. Relief washed over him; no reapers would come knocking today.

“Okay, okay. Shh…” he sat beside you and pressed a kiss to your forehead while his free hand hit the call button. “I’ve got you; I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere.”

Sam was walking down the corridor towards the ICU rooms with two large coffees balanced in one hand. You were only allowed one visitor at a time, so he and Dean took turns. Although, Dean always came back early. And he begged the nurses to let him stay past visiting hours. Sam got the impression they felt sorry for him, but knowing Dean, he would have found a way around the rules one way or another.

When Sam saw his brother in the hallway, he quickened his pace. He was leaning against the wall, bent at the waist with his hands braced on his knees.

“Dean? What happened? What’s going on?”

Dean raised his head, sniffling back emotion, “She’s awake. They’re… ah… they’re taking out that tube.”

Sam caught the glossy sheen in Dean’s eyes. He clapped a hand on his shoulder, “That’s fantastic. Dean, that’s great.”

Dean nodded and pulled Sam into a brief, tight hug then released him and took a coffee.

“Good thing you talked me out of selling my soul, huh?’

You weren’t really sleeping when Sam and Dean walked into your new room in the regular section of the hospital. But every muscle in your body was so taxed that even keeping your eyes open was an effort. There was an oxygen mask covering your nose and mouth, but it was far more comfortable than that damn ventilator tube. You were cold too, but that was part of being in a hospital. It was all so familiar and disheartening.

The squeak of the door prompted you to open your heavy eyes and you smiled. The Winchesters were there, a welcome contrast of denim and flannel against the sterile hospital décor. They had arms filled with gifts; balloons, books, a bag of watermelon Jolly Ranchers, and the biggest arrangement of flowers you’d ever seen. Dozens of roses, hydrangeas, and snapdragons.

“Flowers.”

Your voice was a raspy whisper behind the mask, but it still made Dean beam brightly.

“Hell yeah, Sammy and I bought out every white flower they had.” He set the massive vase down on the table. “They’re your favorite, right?”

You nodded, tracing a finger over the edge of one perfect bloom. You had a late-night debate with him eons ago about how white couldn’t be your favorite color because it wasn’t really a color. It’s a shade. Technically, it was a sum of all possible colors. Hence, the debate.

Sam pulled out a stuffed a huge, stuffed moose from behind his back. It was impossibly soft with floppy antlers and was wearing one of his flannel shirts tied in place with a white velvet bow.

You laughed, “Aww! A… Win..chester of… my own.”

Sam’s throat got tight as the halting cadence of your words. Even with the oxygen, you were out of breath. He leaned down and hugged you. Normally, he would squeeze you tight and lift you off your feet just to make you giggle like a kid sister. Today, he was careful. Mindful of the electrodes and wires and of how fragile you felt in his arms.

“You’ve already got two Winchesters,” he said, kissing the top of your head. “Add him to your collection.”

Your eyes were drooping, even after just a few minutes your energy was completely depleted. You let your head fall back against the pillow with a tired smile, “Thank you… Sammy.”

“We should get out of here, let you sleep,” he replied, catching his brother’s attention.

“Yeah,” Dean gave a reluctant nod. “If you’re lucky, we’ll smuggle in one of those triple thick strawberry-kiwi shakes you like.”

You grabbed hold of his hand again and tugged. It was so much effort to talk, you hope he got the message.

A wordless look passed between the brothers and Sam took his cue, leaving the two of you alone. You tried to focus on your breathing and on the warmth of Dean’s hand holding yours. It took every bit of strength you had to stay awake, but it was so important. You couldn’t let him leave, not yet.

Dean wiped away the single tear that slid down your cheek. “Hey, hey. What’s wrong, Sweetheart?”

“I… I’m… s… sorry.”

He soothed back your hair, “Sorry for what?”

“Should have… gone… to… th… the doctor.”

“No, hey, don’t worry about any of that.”

“Scared… you.”

Dean cupped your face with his large palm, “Listen to me. I don’t want you to think about any of that stuff, okay? It doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is you getting better. That’s all I care about.”

You nodded; your eyes shuttered to half-mast. “Tired.”

He let out a chuckle and ran a hand over his five o’clock shadow, “I’ll bet you are.”

You shook your head and pointed at him. When he tilted his head in confusion, you patted the mattress beside you.

He was exhausted. It was etched in every line on his beautiful face. His green eyes, the ones you had loved since you first looked into them were bloodshot. His strong shoulders slumped under the strain of recent events. Dean had been by your side for days, even after taking care of you back at the bunker. It was a testament to his impressive stamina and force of will that he was still standing.

Without a word, he turned down the lights, kicked off his boots and climbed into the narrow bed. It should have been uncomfortable, given his size, but he gently arranged it so that you were partly settled on his chest. Your weary body melted into the warmth he provided as his arms wrapped around you. You were both slipped into a dreamless sleep without any effort at all.

Three Weeks Later: You were in the hospital eight days in total, three of them in the ICU. When they finally released you, it was with a whole list of stipulations and guidelines. Breathing exercises. An oxygen tank for times when your levels dipped below a certain level. Antibiotics the size of horse tranquilizers and updated rescue inhalers. It was intense, but still preferable to staying one more night in the hospital.

It was Sam alone who picked you up on your release date. You were disappointed, but not surprised. Dean was gone when you woke the morning after the two of you shared your hospital bed. He texted you every day but only came back to visit you once when he and Sam dropped off some of your clothes.

It was okay, it really was.

You understood. You’d scared him big time. Frankly, you were still so sick that all you did was sleep anyway. But when you were home and days passed with still no contact, you worried. God bless Sam, he was right there every step of the way. He drove you to therapy and helped you come up with a strength building regiment. He kept you company and offered insight to his missing brother.

“Give him some time, Y/N. He’ll come around. You know how he gets.”

And so, you did. Sam’s words offered solace, but they didn’t make up for the fact that you missed that salty, pain in the ass. Somehow, the fact that Dean was just down the hall made you all the more lonely for him. But you were determined to respect his need for privacy. After everything that happened, you owed him that at the very least.

When you were in the kitchen a few days later making one of Sam’s health smoothies, the last thing you expected was to hear Dean’s voice.

“Tell me you’re not gonna drink that.”

You smiled but didn’t turn. “Of course not. I haven’t added the spirulina or wheat germ yet.”

You heard him mutter something about pond scum under his breath while he rummaged through the fridge.

“I’ve got enough for two,” you teased. “Should I get you a glass?”

“Too bad your stay in the VIP suite didn’t improve your sense of humor, smartass.”

You turned around and grinned at him. God, he looked incredible! Maybe it was not seeing him for a month, but he was a sight! Dark jeans on bowed legs. That red and black flannel shirt that somehow made him seem even broader. Especially when he crossed his arms across his chest. Like he was doing right now. And glowering at you! Ridiculous man! You’d been busy recuperating from serious illness, and he looked like he wanted to reprimand you for leaving wet towels on the floor. It might have pissed you off, if you weren’t so pleased to see him.

So, you laughed.

His expression went from sexy and grumpy to utterly baffled. “Why are you laughing?”

You shook your head with a goofy grin and answered honestly, “I’m just happy to see you.”

He cautiously smiled back, “Yeah?’

“Yeah.”

“Huh. Well in that case, you wanna get out of here? I was thinking of going for a drive.”

Your heart felt light, “I’ll get my coat.”

Dean wasn’t sure how he was going to do it, but he knew he had to. Even if it killed him, and it just might. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d made the hard choice. Break a heart, save a life. He may as well get it tattooed on his ass. At this point it was more of a life motto than saving people, hunting things. He glanced over at you gazing happily out the window and he tried to burn the image into his memory. Beautiful. Hands down the most beautiful girl he’d ever met. Even after he’d ignored you for weeks and pushed you off on his baby brother, you laughed and forgave him.

You looked just like you always had, maybe a bit thinner from your time in the hospital. But Sammy had been adamant about those smoothies of his. Nutrient dense. They tasted like absolute ass, but they certainly seemed to help you get your color back. Your hair was shiny and bouncy, he loved it when it was bouncy like that. Cascading over your shoulders and framing your face. It looked so soft and smelled like peaches when you tossed it back. Your eyes were bright and glowed with good health. Looking at you now, it was hard to believe you’d been on a ventilator only a few weeks ago.

“Hey, you wanna get out and walk for a bit?” You asked, pointing out one of your favorite state parks ahead.

“Sure. You bring your scarf?”

“Obviously,” you replied, pulling out the length of soft, white fabric from your bag.

It was still a bit chilly out, but all the snow had been cleared from the paths and only an inch or so remained around the trees. Dean kept shooting glances your way, checking for signs of distress as the two of you walked along.

“I��m not going to keel over, you know.”

Dean shoved his hands into the pockets of his black jacket. “You need to be careful in the cold air, it’s no good for you.”

“True, but walking is very good for me. It helps build stamina.”

He didn’t reply to that and the two of you walked along in silence until you really couldn’t take it anymore.

“It’s ridiculous, you know? Me, having to rebuild stamina. I was in the best shape of my life; I could run up ten flights of stairs and still chop the head off a vamp no problem. Now I have to stop halfway through a beginner’s yoga class.”

“Almost dying does that.”

There was venom in his voice, but the fear was too. Evidently, he hadn’t worked through it as much as you’d hoped.

“Is that why you’re kicking me out? Because I almost died?”

Dean stopped and turned to you, but he kept his eyes downcast. “Y/N…”

“Its really not fair. You’ve almost died several times and I still keep you around.” You tried to keep your tone light, but it was difficult with the tears threatening.

“It’s not funny,” his eyes were getting red as he recalled the terrifying night he carried you into the E.R. “You stopped breathing. Your fucking heart stopped!”

You knew this part. After Dean closed himself off from you, you asked Sam to give you all the details. Full cardiac arrest from a severe asthma attack, brought on by complications from pneumonia. It had taken the doctors a while to stabilize you, but when they did you were so weak, they weren’t sure you were going to pull through. Sam had a hard time talking about, even though you were sitting there alive and well in front of him. That night shook them both to the core.

You brought your hand up to cup Dean’s cheek, “I’m so sorry.”

He closed his eyes briefly, letting the warmth of your touch comfort him. “Why didn’t you tell me? All this time… a fucking two year long pandemic… Covid is a respiratory virus! What if…”

You hurt him. Far more than you’d realized. And you hated yourself for it. This was going to take much more than a simple reassurance to work through.

“Can we sit?”

He led you to a park bench, “We should head back to the car, it’s too cold for you.”

“I’m okay, Dean,” you grabbed his hands, “I really, really am. And I’m sorry. I didn’t deliberately keep it from you, I just didn’t think about it. I know it’s hard to fathom, but I’ve lived with it my whole life. The things I do to minimize my risk are second nature to me now. And I haven’t had an attack in years.”

“This wasn’t my first trip to the ICU; I spent my childhood in and out of hospitals. Mom was very protective. The doctors had her so scared that she didn’t let me do much. No sports, no sleepovers, no camping trips. She even moved us to Glenwood Springs because of it.”

“Like Doc Holliday.”

You rolled your eyes out of habit. Every time you mentioned your home, Dean spewed every bit of old west trivia he knew. Which, you had to admit, was extensive. Last time you were there he insisted on visiting the Doc Holliday museum, he even had you take his picture with gambler’s gun.

Then: “Nice place,” Dean said, scanning the neatly maintained garden beds and brick walkways.

“Yeah, it is. Remember, this is just a quick stop so I can pick up some stuff. Don’t do what you normally do.”

“What are you talking about?”

You ran a nervous hand through your hair and straightened your denim jacket, “That charming rogue routine you do whenever there’s a woman in front of you.”

His grin turned cocky, “Sweetheart, that’s just me. Can’t help it if the ladies love it.”

You brushed a piece of lint off his shoulder with an impatient huff, “Rein it in, cowboy.”

Before you could ring the bell, the front door swung open and revealed a woman who would have passed for your twin in her youth. Tanned, with a bright white smile and silver bangles stacked on both arms.

“Baby girl!”

“Hi Momma,” you managed to say while she squeezed you tight.

Your mother drew back and quickly scrutinized your appearance, “You taking care of yourself? Regular appointments? Feeling good?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

That radiant smile was back, “Good girl! And this tall drink of water must be that friend you told me about.”

“Yes, this is Dean Winchester. Dean, this is my mom, Beverly.”

True to form, he turned up the charm to eleven. “No way I’m gonna believe you are Y/N’s mother, you must be her sister.”

“And you are the smoothest liar I’ve had on my doorstep,” Bev said, slipped her arm through Dean’s with a wink, “But please, don’t stop. Why don’t we go out back and have coffee? Y/N, I made that peach pie you’re so fond of!”

“I love pie!” Dean gave you an infuriating grin over your mother’s head as the two of them sailed into the house together.

Three hours later, you had endured the torture of baby pictures and embarrassing stories from your adolescence. While Dean supplied plenty of his own anecdotes of you getting lost in the grocery store and getting locked out of the motel room in only your underwear. Luckily, the pie helped keep your mood from going sour.

“Okay, I’m going to head up and grab those boxes.”

“Lift with your legs, Baby girl.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” you replied, disappearing through the sliding glass door.

Bev’s jovial mood turned serious as soon as her daughter was out of earshot. “Okay, Winchester, shoot me straight. How is my daughter?”

Dean blinked in surprise, “I’m sorry?”

“I may not be hip to everything going on, but I can feel the pair of you dancing around something big. I’m not going stick my nose in, Y/N isn’t talking about it, and I respect that. But I’m a mom and that girl is my whole life, so tell me… is she okay? Do I need to worry about her? About you?”

Dean weighed his words carefully, “Y/N is… amazing. She’s smart and strong. She has the biggest vocabulary of anyone I’ve ever known, and she loves to show it off. Even when she shouldn’t. But she knows how to handle herself. She kicks ass.”

The corner of Bev’s mouth quirked, “It runs in the family.”

“I can see that.”

She leaned back in her chair and studied him, “You seem like a decent man, the sort who keeps his word. That being the case, I have a favor to ask. Keep an eye on my girl for me.”

“Already done,” was his quick reply.

Bev shook her head, “It’s not the dangers of the world I’m talking about. I’m talking about looking after her when she’s not looking after herself. Y/N… has a lot of life to live and when she gets busy… she just doesn’t see how far gone she is until she falls flat on her face.”

Dean leaned forward, elbows on knees, “You’ve got my word, Bev. I’ll never let her fall.”

Now: “I like your mom,” Dean looked down at his boots. “She made me promise to look after you.”

“You never told me that.”

“I got the impression she didn’t want me to. Thought maybe she had a mother’s intuition about you getting into the hunting business. Guess she was talking about something else.”

You let your gaze drift over to the lake in the distance, half thawed already. It would be an early spring this year. A sign of hope for the future.

“We got in this huge fight when I was nineteen. I wanted to move out, go to college, see the world. I missed out on so much as a sick kid, but I survived it. I worked hard to strengthen my lungs and build up stamina. I followed every doctor’s order to the letter so that I could actually live my life like a normal person… and it worked, but when the time came, I still didn’t have her support. I was so pissed! I packed a bag and left in the middle of the night.”

“How’d that go over?”

“I hadn’t yet mastered the art of covering my tracks. Plus, she was dating the sheriff. I was back home twenty-four hours later.”

Dean snorted, “Amateur.”

“Mom and I came to an agreement after that. I stay local, stay in communication, and keep doing everything my doctors ask and in return, she would stop focusing on my condition like it was a death sentence.” You shrugged, “Things were better after that.”

“Your mom is awesome, I’m glad she supports you…. You’re lucky, Y/N.”

Dean took your hand, surprising you. His fingers linked with yours, rubbing his thumb over yours. Then he frowned, his brows drew down over his eyes in worry. Like a black cloud had settled over his heart.

“Y/N…”

You knew what he wanted to say, you could feel it. You could see it in his eyes whenever he dared to look at you. The sorrow. All you wanted to do was save him from it. From himself.

“It’s amazing how much we still don’t know about how the human body works,” you blurted out, making him blink in confusion.

“What?”

“Being sedated, for example. Medical experts still aren’t sure why some people retain a certain level of consciousness and others remember nothing. When I was seven, I was in the hospital for a month, my mother read The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe to me even though I wasn’t awake. When I came out of it, I remembered the whole thing.”

You could see the realization slowly register in his beautiful eyes. If you heard your mother, you must have heard him.

Then: It was cold in your room. You hated being cold, it was one of your main complaints about the bunker. You cranked the thermostat, took boiling hot showers, and frequently stole clothes from both Winchesters. Although, you seemed to favor Dean’s over his brother’s. A fact he griped about, but secretly liked. He liked knowing that you felt at home enough to make yourself comfortable. If you were comfortable, maybe you would stay.

Dean brought your favorite blanket and tucked it around you, careful of the machines and wires. “There you go, Sweetheart. Just like home.”

He sat in the stiff chair beside your bed and studied your peaceful face. He tried to think of you as an enchanted princess. Sleeping Beauty, just waiting for the right prince to swing by and break the curse. Unlikely in his world. Still… it was easier than the truth.

He might have been able to fool himself for a while if it weren’t for that breathing tube.

“Actually, that’s a lie… this place is nothing like home. Home has all the amenities, right? I’ll bet this state-of-the-art medical facility doesn’t even have a firing range. Or a dungeon!”

“Course, it wasn’t always so awesome. A lot of spiders when we first moved in. Plus, Sammy and I added our personal touches to make it more comfortable. That mini fridge in the library, totally my idea. It really pulled the room together, you know?”

He chuckled a little at his Big Lebowski reference, disheartened when the only response was the hiss of the ventilator.

He reached over and gently combed his fingers through your hair. Your skin was cool to the touch since your fever broke in the night. That had to be a good sign, right?

“I’ve got a confession, but you gotta promise not to tell Sam, okay? I never really wanted to live in the bunker full time. Not at first. Don’t get me wrong, I liked it! It was our personal Batcave! But Batman… he doesn’t live in the Batcave. The Batcave is for work only. And that was my plan. Work in the bunker as a base of operations but live like we always did. On the road.”

Dean’s hand moved to yours, toying with your fingers. You had such elegant hands. You never wore jewelry, just like you never wore make-up. You didn’t have a closet full of clothes. You wore things of nice quality, but you didn’t have lots of them. Only what you needed. Same with everything else, you didn’t do fussy or extravagant. But it wasn’t because you liked to keep things simple, it was because you were focused on living your life, not adorning it.

He liked that about you. You were straightforward and up for anything. You never hesitated to jump right in. You were quick on your feet and quick with your wit. You came up with better cover stories than he or Sam ever did. Your contributions to the team were welcome and seamless, almost from the start.

With anyone else, your eagerness might have come across as a need to prove yourself. But you didn’t seem to be afflicted in that way. You knew your worth. You were confident. And that rubbed off on everyone you came in contact with. Cops, sheriffs, coroners, witnesses, victims. All of them responded to you in ways that were remarkable. Your presence calmed them. Dean too.

“The longer we stayed in the bunker, the more obvious it became that life on the road was never gonna be like it was before. Sammy loved it, and I never could deny that kid anything. But for me…. I dunno. It took a while. I even slept in Baby those first few nights. Eventually, I picked out a room, got a bed that remembers me, and it was better.”

“You were our first guest; did you know that? Well Cas was, but he doesn’t sleep so that doesn’t really count. You were the first non-Winchester to sleep in the Batcave. On that old army cot, remember? Tried to get you to take my bed… stubborn. You were so stiff the next day you could barely walk, but you stuck it out. You should have taken me up on it, I was on the couch most nights anyway. Nightmares.”

“I’ll never forget the morning I woke up and found you there with me. All warm and cuddled up against me. I moved and you shushed me in your sleep, mumbled that everything was okay. God, I don’t think I’d ever slept that good. We went to that diner in town for breakfast and I asked you to move in. Sammy nearly choked on his egg whites,” Dean laughed softly at the memory. “The bunker was a home then.”

“If you were awake, you’d probably laugh and tell me what I sap I am. And you’d be right, but I can’t help it. It’s you, Y/N. You have this magic… I don’t know what else to call it. You don’t even have to say anything, and my heart starts to race. I think about you, more than I should. In ways that I shouldn’t, and I can’t stop. I don’t want to stop.”

“I love you, Y/N. In case you don’t know; in case you can hear me in your dreams right now… I love you. I’ve always loved you and if you stay, if you come back to me… I’m going to show you every day just how much.”

Now: He tried to speak, but you moved your fingers to his lips to stop him. Tears shimmered in your eyes, but you managed a wavering smile.

“I love you too.”

You watched the conflicting emotions flicker across his handsome face. Joy and torment. Ecstasy and pain. He traced the underside of your jaw with his fingers, making your shiver inside and your eyes closed on a sigh. When his lips connected with yours, it was electric! The world shifted. Colors, tastes, sensations, all redefined from that moment. Soft and warm and connected on a level that could only come from love.

It was everything you’d ever dreamt his kiss could be, and it ended far too quickly.

He rested his forehead against yours, puffs of white, heated breath mingling between you. After a few minutes, he brushed the tears from your cheeks with his thumb, “Don’t cry, Sweetheart. It breaks my heart when you cry.”

“Don’t send me away. Please don’t send me away.”

“Baby, that bunker is no place for you. There are no windows, the ventilation is crap, there’s a mildew problem. I talked to those doctors about the type of environment an asthmatic should live in… Bomb shelter from the fifties didn’t make the cut.”

“I’ve been living there for five years without an issue,” you pointed out.

“Yeah, with a humidifier and inhalers. But it’s different now, that round of pneumonia damaged your lungs. You need to be someplace where its easier to breathe, not harder.”

“You’re right. Which is why Sam and I have been designing a new HVAC system.”

That stopped him, “Really? Why didn’t you guys tell me?”

“Because you went all emo and hid in your room for a month.”

“I’m not emo! What kind of HVAC system?”

“A kick ass one,” you grinned so that your tongue peeked out between your teeth. “Any other concerns?”

“What about hunting?” he challenged.

“I don’t know,” you answered honestly and there was a pang of longing that went with it. “I have no idea if I’ll ever get back to the physical condition I was before all of this. No matter how hard I work for it or wish for it and the truth is… going into the field with that kind of a handicap is not in the cards.”

Dean nodded grimly and dropped his gaze to his lap. Admitting the possibility of an early retirement was killing you, and he knew it. You loved hunting, it was as much a part of you as it was for him. The uncertainty of not knowing if you could do it again, must be terrifying for you.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not.” His head shot up and you shrugged, “Most hunters don’t get sidelined, they get killed. My life might not look they way I thought it was going to, but I’m still here. Living it. I’m going to take that win and run with it.”

“You’re amazing, you know that? You’re so damn strong… your life got turned upside down and you just roll with it.” Those impossibly green eyes looked at you with such awe, like he couldn’t quiet believe that you actually existed.

“You deserve the best, and that’s not me.”

“That’s not for you to say.”

“Doesn’t matter, it’s my choice.”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” you lifted your chin in proud defiance, “Team Freewill, right? I will always have a choice, no matter what hand you try to deal me. I love you, Dean Winchester! And I am never going to stop. And I am never going to disappear from your life. Even if you tell me to hit the bricks, I’ll still call and text and email and whatever just to make sure you’re still alive and well. Even if this ends, I will still love you! You ridiculous man!”

There was a change in his gaze, subtle but there all the same. He shook his head with a chuckle. He knew when he was beat, and he was grateful for it.

“Your cheeks turn the prettiest shade of pink when you get all worked up, you know that?”

“My cheeks are pink because it’s freezing out here!”

Dean ripped his coat off and wrapped it over yours, “Damn it, Y/N! I knew you were cold!”

“Well, if you were any kind of a boyfriend, you’d take my back to the car and warm me up properly!”

He was pulling the hood up over your head when he paused, “Boyfriend, huh?”

“Yeah, the kind that warms his girl up in the backseat,” you grinned and playfully rubbed your nose against his.

He growled in your ear and stood, sweeping you up in his arms and making you yelp in delight.

“Dean! I can still walk, you know!”

“Save your energy, Sweetheart, you’re gonna need it. Tonight, we’re gonna fog up all the windows!”

#dean x reader #dean winchester fanfiction #dean x y/n #dean x you #dean winchester #jensen x reader #jensen x y/n #jensen ackles #supernatural #spn fic #Breathe Free

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notveryshrugemoji · 11 months

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lol, the last 24 hours have been wild and this is exactly the place I want to document it. Love processing my thoughts and feelings here hahaha

Yesterday I was working and started feeling, off. Nothing major, just didn’t feel good. I was clammy, my heart was racing, my chest and upper back between my shoulder blades felt tight. At times I felt like I needed to gasp or take a big breath in to feel like I was filling my lungs? Does that make sense?! So I took my blood pressure 3 times, both arms. Numbers: 145/99, 145/105, 140/95 with my HR 95-105 each reading.

Naturally, I gaslit myself into thinking I was having an asthma attack. So I called my mom and she was like “lol maybe call the nurse hotline about that” so I did and THEY were like “BITCH GO TO THE HOSPITAL” so I left work and went to the hospital lol. (Important to note here: I have had unexplained high BP since I was a teenager that is managed with meds).

ER saw me basically immediately due to the chest pain but they didn’t have a bed for me so I was just kinda sitting in a chair for a while lol. They did blood work, blood cultures, an X-ray of my chest and an ecg. Basically all of it came back clear. I saw a Student Dr first and she listened to my chest and then left pretty abruptly afterword, both drs came back and listened, NODDED TO EACH OTHER and confirmed “yes what you heard is correct”. Like okay, pls say more immediately, thanks! They ask me if I’ve ever been diagnosed with a heart murmur (no), then tell me they hear a murmur and want an ekg done (booked for Monday). And then they SENT ME HOME lol. Chest pain, elevated BP, etc. still happening. They were very thorough, i just kind of feel like I wasn’t given a real plan for the next couple of days? The symptoms are still there, so like do I go back if they get worse? How much worse does it need to get? This is partially my fault for not pushing harder to get those answers but I don’t think they really had anything at that point, realistically.

So I slept a couple of hours last night and woke up early today feeling the same way. I called my GP’s office and booked an appointment for Monday and let them know what happened yesterday. They said he’ll likely call me this evening bc he’s on call at the hospital. I went and got a couple of groceries, exhaustinggggg. I had to sit on my bottom stair when I got home and catch my breath lol. So things are basically the same as yesterday EXCEPT I can’t help but feel like “I don’t feel good” - like I feel like I have a cold. And then I’m thinking, what if it’s COVID? Im assuming my bloodwork didn’t show any red flags and that’s why they didn’t test. I asked my friend to grab me a couple of rapid tests just for shits though. More info is good at this point.

A lot of thoughts, top of the list is that I don’t think I have asthma and neither does the er doctor. I told him I almost didn’t go to the hospital bc I felt like I was overreacting about an asthma attack - because this is what an asthma attack feels like, right? And the answer is nooo, so have I just had an undiagnosed heart murmur for this long? It feels like that’s impossible hahahaha I have so much shit wrong with me surely someone would have heard it by now.

Anyway, I’m playing the new h*gwarts game on switch and gonna sleep as much as possible today. Eat, then sleep.

#felt so good to get that all out of my head r #good news is that I am doing pretty good on paper otherwise hahaha #turns out losing 70 pounds does that!!!!!#I’m making light of this whole thing bc otherwise I have to be really really scared

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finishing-novel-shorts · 18 days

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NOVEL SHORT 8335

When my mother died from an asthma attack, locked in her room by my son's prank, where was my doctor husband? He was at his ex-girlfriend's performance with our son. I was devastated.

I called my husband over a dozen times before he finally picked up. But before I could speak, he snapped, "What's your problem? It's just a performance with our kid. You're calling nonstop, like it's a matter of life and death. Always lying and making up excuses to get me home. Stop calling!" My son chimed in, "Mom, so annoying. I wish Emma could be my mom instead."

Emma took the phone. "Kids say the darndest things. Don't take it seriously, right?" she said. "Fine, I'll give you what you want," I addressed through the phone. "If you want her to be your mom, tell your dad to come back and divorce me."

My mother died with her eyes wide open. In just a few short hours, a living, breathing person turned into a box of ashes. The pain of losing my mother was soul-crushing. My phone pinged with a message from a friend forwarding Emma's Instagram post: "Performance wrapped up perfectly. Check out our six-handed piano play with my two clingy fans. How's our chemistry in the video?" My son and husband flanked Emma like two bodyguards. The three of them played the piano in perfect harmony, looking every bit like a happy family. My husband even commented, "Clingy already, you ungrateful little thing," to which Emma replied, "Hmm, you know very well how grateful I am, especially after last night."

The pain in my chest spread through my entire body. While my husband and his ex were playing piano with our son, my mother was having an asthma attack. With no one to help her while they were flirting shamelessly, my mother had already been taken to the crematorium, turned to ashes. They got their perfect moment, but what about my mom? Who's going to bring her back to life? I was filled with so much hatred.

When my mom called for help, I immediately called 911, but the ambulance couldn’t arrive fast enough. I drove home as fast as I could, desperately calling Jacob to go save my mom.

Emma's performance venue was close to our house. It would have taken him just a few minutes to go back and forth. But Jacob remained unmoved, thinking it was just an excuse to get him home. "Abigail, you know I hate being lied to."

His tone softened. "I don’t want to miss a second of Emma's performance. Be good and don’t cause trouble now." No matter how I explained, he wouldn’t listen. He was convinced I was lying, choking back tears. "For the sake of how my father once saved your entire family, I’m begging you to save my mom. I’m not lying." But my words only angered him further. "How long are you going to use your father's life to emotionally blackmail me?"

Our son urged him to hang up. "Dad, ignore Mom. Look, Emma's on stage!" I screamed desperately. "Don’t hang up, Jacob. I'm begging you, my mom is dying!" Jacob's patience ran out. "Then let her die." My mom died because she didn’t get help in time. While their six-handed piano video went viral online, Emma even gained a bunch of new followers because of it. After dealing with my mom's funeral and forcing myself to sign the divorce papers, I finally collapsed into a deep sleep. My husband and son returned three days later. "Is dinner ready? I texted you earlier. Why are you still sleeping?" Jacob barged in, roughly yanking the blanket off me, his face full of disgust as he questioned me from above. I must have looked a mess, but I couldn’t care less. Lucas pinched his nose in disgust. "Dad, I'm hungry. Let’s go find Emma. Let this dirty mom sleep to death."

My heart felt like it had plunged into an icy abyss. This was the son I had risked my life to give birth to. I almost died from massive blood loss during his birth. After he was born, he cried day and night. I held and comforted him around the clock, fed him until I was completely worn out. I had worked so hard to raise him to this age, yet his birthday wish was for Emma to be his mother. My son truly took after his father, even fancying the same woman. Looking at this flesh of my flesh, my heart shattered. It was because of him that I lost my mother.

Thinking of my mom, who died with her eyes open, I could no longer contain my emotions. I grabbed Lucas hysterically, demanding, "You knew Grandma had asthma. Why did you lock her alone in the room? Do you know you killed her?" I had never treated Lucas like this before. He was clearly scared, crying and hitting me. "Wow, Mom is so scary. I don’t want a bad mom. I want Emma."

Lucas’s fists kept landing on me. They didn’t hurt physically, but my insides felt like they were on fire. I cried back at him, "You don’t want me? I don’t want you either. Give me back my mom. I won’t want anyone else. I just want my mom." Lucas and I were both crying our eyes out. Jacob forcefully separated us, shielding Lucas behind him. He looked at me coldly. "Are we done here? Lucas was just playing around with your mom. It’s such a small thing. Why are you scaring him like this?"

"Playing around? That small thing killed my mom," I said, grief-stricken and angry. "But my mom is dead now. Your mom had her medicine in the room. How could anything have happened?"

"I know you're upset about me and Lucas going to Emma's performance, but you don’t need to make up such lies with your mom. Aren’t you afraid of jinxing her?"

Even now, he still thought I was jealous and deliberately using my mom as an excuse to make him feel guilty. The sorrow and anger made me want to laugh that moment.

Emma called. Jacob answered, and after a few words, he hurriedly prepared to leave. He spoke softly into the phone, "Don’t worry, I’ll be right there." Lucas followed closely behind him, looking at these two strangers before me. I suddenly laughed and handed Jacob the divorce papers on the table. "Before you go, sign these." Jacob didn’t even look at them before mocking, "You've really gone to great lengths to get my attention, haven’t you? Divorce? You think you can live without me?"

"And Lucas, stop these tricks. You’re just embarrassing yourself." With that, he left with Lucas.

In the past, every time we argued, no matter whose fault it was, I would always be the one to make up and apologize. But not anymore. As soon as they left, I quickly packed my things, dragged my suitcase out, and resolutely left. I returned to my mother’s old house. Family photos of the three of us still hung on the walls, but my beloved parents were gone.

Ten years ago, my father died saving Jacob’s entire family from a mudslide. Back then, Jacob held me and said, "Don’t cry, you still have me. I’ll be with you for life." Those words were deeply etched in my heart. Later, we got married and had a child. Jacob’s kindness made me believe we were soulmates, but everything changed when Emma appeared. He stopped sharing his daily life with me. He would often zone out inexplicably, staring at his phone with a silly grin.

On our wedding anniversary, Emma said she had a headache, and Jacob abandoned me to rush to her side. When I got into a car accident and needed his help dealing with threats, he was busy helping Emma dodge drinks. When I was sick and needed his care, he said he was busy washing Emma’s dog. No matter when or where, Jacob could drop everything and rush to Emma’s side at her slightest call or message. If I dared to question him, I was being unreasonable, emotionally blackmailing him, or trying to cash in on past favors. It was then that I realized what was nectar to me was poison to him. What I thought was mutual love was to him nothing but an obligation to repay a debt. Even my son was often taken to meet Emma. Lucas no longer hugged my neck, saying he loved me. Instead, he lamented why Emma couldn’t be his mother.

Holding back my pain, I asked Lucas why he preferred Emma’s food over mine. He said innocently, "Emma is gentler than Mom. She and Dad take me to eat things Mom doesn’t allow. Her cooking is better than Mom’s. She can play the piano, she never scolds me, and is very nice to me. Dad loves her too."

Lucas’s words hurt, but I thought it was just childish talk. I still tried to repair my relationship with him. When Emma and I both fell into the water, my husband and son unanimously went to save Emma. My husband pulled her out of the water while Lucas rushed to get towels and hot water. They fussed over her endlessly. I was invisible to them. At that moment, my suspended heart finally died. I decided to stop compromising myself. Just as I was about to divorce Jacob, my mom came from the countryside to visit. Her health wasn’t good, and I didn’t want to upset her, so I had to put off the divorce until after she left.

But in this short time, they went too far, directly causing my mother’s death. I was grief-stricken and desperate, not wanting my mom to be lonely on her journey. I asked the village uncles to help arrange a funeral for her. After the funeral, I returned home, exhausted. The empty house was silent, except for the ticking of the clock, a silence that bred despair. I called out of habit, "Mom, I’m home. What delicious food did you make for lunch?" But only endless silence answered me. Tears streamed down my face uncontrollably. "Oh, that’s right. My mom is dead."

Suddenly, the front door was kicked open with a bang. Jacob stormed in, his face cold as he glared at me fiercely. Emma and Lucas followed.

Jacob, Emma, and Lucas burst into the house, their faces a mix of frustration and detachment. Jacob’s irritation was palpable, Emma’s expression was haughty, and Lucas looked around with an unsettling indifference.

“Why are you here?” I demanded, my voice trembling with raw emotion and anger. The weight of my grief and the injustice of the situation had pushed me to the edge.

Jacob’s face twisted with irritation. “I came to see if you’ve finally gotten over this nonsense. We have better things to do.”

Emma added, her voice dripping with disdain, “Yes, Abigail. Your constant drama is exhausting. We have a life to live.”

Ignoring their dismissiveness, I thrust the divorce papers toward Jacob. “You want out? Here’s your way. But understand this: I don’t regret divorcing you. I regret ever believing in the illusion of our family. You and Emma can have your perfect life, but you need to know that your actions have consequences.”

Jacob barely glanced at the papers before dismissively tossing them aside. “You think this changes anything? You’re just trying to make me feel guilty.”

I turned to Emma, my eyes filled with a sorrowful fire. “I hope you find the happiness you’re searching for with Jacob. I hope it’s everything you’ve ever dreamed of.”

As Jacob grabbed Lucas to leave, I stopped them. “One last thing. Lucas needs to understand the truth about what happened. I will make sure he knows.”

I immediately called my lawyer and began the process of finalizing the divorce and securing my rights as a mother. My determination to ensure Lucas’s proper care was unwavering, even if it meant a lengthy legal battle.

A few days later, the gravity of the situation took a dramatic turn. I decided it was time to bring the truth to light. With the undeniable proof I had—texts, timestamps, and video footage—I prepared to expose the full story. The public had seen the viral video of Emma and Jacob’s performance, but they hadn’t connected it to the tragedy that had unfolded.

I held a press conference, my heart pounding as I stepped before the gathered journalists and cameras. The room was filled with a mix of curiosity and skepticism.

“Thank you for coming,” I began, my voice steady despite the turmoil inside. “I am here to reveal a story that has been kept hidden. It involves a tragic loss and a series of negligent actions that led to it.”

I displayed the video footage and the call logs on the screen. The timestamps clearly showed the exact moments when Jacob and Lucas were at Emma’s performance, while I had desperately tried to reach them. The text messages between Jacob and Emma, discussing their excitement about the performance and dismissing my pleas, were displayed for all to see.

“This footage and these messages are proof that my mother’s death was a direct result of their negligence,” I said, my voice trembling with emotion. “While they were celebrating their success, my mother was suffering and ultimately died because they chose to ignore my calls for help.”

The room fell silent as the journalists absorbed the gravity of the evidence. Gasps of shock and murmurs of disbelief filled the space. The connection between the performance and my mother’s death was undeniable, and the public reaction was swift and unforgiving.

News outlets picked up the story with fervor. Headlines blared with shocking revelations. “Performance Night: The Deadly Cost of Neglect,” read one headline. “The Tragic Death Linked to Emma’s Viral Video” was another. The public was outraged, and the condemnation was immediate.

Lucas, who was with Emma and Jacob when the news broke, was devastated. His once-carefree demeanor turned into one of anguish as he faced the reality of his actions. “Mom, I didn’t know,” he cried, his voice breaking as he struggled to comprehend the situation. “I didn’t mean to—”

Emma’s face went pale as she watched the news coverage. The image of her and Jacob’s performance, juxtaposed with the tragic details of my mother’s death, was overwhelming. She sank to her knees, her hands trembling as tears streamed down her face. “No, no, no,” she whispered. “This can’t be happening. We didn’t mean—”

Jacob’s reaction was one of shock and despair. He slumped into a chair, his face buried in his hands. “What have we done?” he murmured, the weight of his actions crashing down on him. “What have I done?”

The days that followed were a whirlwind of emotional collapse for all three. Emma faced intense public scorn, her once-promising career now marred by the backlash. Her attempts to salvage her image were futile as the public and media painted her as an opportunist who had callously ignored a tragedy for personal gain.

Jacob’s professional reputation was equally shattered. His name was dragged through the mud as reports of his negligence and betrayal made headlines. The fallout was severe, with professional and personal consequences that left him isolated and regretful.

Lucas’s distress was palpable. His once-bright eyes were now filled with tears and guilt. He struggled to cope with the knowledge that his actions had contributed to my mother’s death. The boy who had once looked up to Emma and Jacob now faced the harsh reality of their mistakes.

In a heart-wrenching scene, Lucas came to visit me, his young face etched with pain. He was overwhelmed with remorse and desperation. “Mom, please,” he sobbed, clinging to me. “I want to come back. I can’t stand it there. Please, take me back. I need you.”

I knelt down, looking into his tear-streaked face with a heavy heart. “Lucas, I love you more than anything in this world. But going back to that life would only make things worse. We both need to heal, and that can’t happen if we return to the chaos. I’m here for you, and I will support you, but I can’t go back to that life.”

Lucas’s sobs were heart-wrenching, and I could see the despair in his eyes. I held him close, my own tears mingling with his. “It’s not your fault,” I whispered. “But we need to move forward, not backwards.”

Jacob and Emma, observing from a distance, were deeply affected by the scene. Emma’s guilt and regret were evident as she faced the fallout from her actions. Jacob’s remorse was palpable as he came to terms with the devastating impact of his choices.

As they faced the consequences of their actions, their lives continued to unravel. Emma’s career never recovered, and Jacob’s professional reputation was irreparably damaged. The once-promising future they had envisioned together was replaced by a life of regret and unfulfilled ambitions.

Lucas, now living with me part-time, struggled to adjust. His visits were filled with quiet moments of reflection and attempts to rebuild the trust and love we once had. It was a slow process, but with counseling and support, he began to heal.

I found solace in the new life I had built with Daniel. Our home was filled with love and warmth, and we welcomed a new child into our lives. Though the pain of the past lingered, it no longer defined me. I embraced my new beginning with hope and resilience.

As I looked at my new family, I knew that while the journey had been filled with suffering and betrayal, it had ultimately led me to a place of renewal and hope. The past was a stark reminder of the cost of negligence and betrayal, but it had also made me stronger and more determined to find happiness again.

In the end, the echoes of that painful chapter served as a reminder of the importance of compassion and responsibility. I had survived the storm and emerged with a new sense of purpose, ready to face the future with hope and love.

#finishingnovelshorts

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praiseinchains · 1 month

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Gratitude Journal Entry (8/23/24)

Today I’m Grateful For:

*After receiving some bad news yesterday regarding my health, my parents encouraged me to go out to lunch with them to get me out of my mind for a bit. I’m grateful that they did that, because I had a nice time. We went to the VFW (my dad’s the chaplain there) and we had chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes and gravy

*My brother and I spoke a bit online yesterday. I’ve not been feeling well enough to want to speak with anyone on the phone, so the few exchanges we had online were nice, even if all we did was joke around, lol!

*In 2019 is when my health took a huge nosedive. We’d lived here for 2 years, and those years were fine – nothing noteworthy. But in 2019 I really began to struggle. When my doctor found an abnormal heartbeat on the EKG she sent me to the ER. Long story short, I had my thyroid medication increased, was referred to a cardiologist, and was given antibiotics for what the doctors believed was pneumonia. After suffering for several years with what we thought were heart problems, I received the true answer as to what’s been going on. Despite my symptoms, every heart test my cardiologist did showed that nothing was really wrong with my heart other than PSVT (a type of tachycardia) and skipped heartbeats. He really wanted me to see a pulmonologist because he said that my symptoms seem more aligned with that, and pulmonary issues can masquerade as heart issues. Anyway, last month I had a test done and while I didn’t have asthma (as was originally believed) the test shows I have severe neuromuscular weakness of the spirometry (respiratory) muscles. Fancy way of saying that the muscles that control my breathing are weak. Out of 100%, my muscles are only functioning at 48%. Like the rest of my health issues, this has been a gradual thing, so I’ve not even realized that my breathing has gotten so bad – it just feels normal to me now. While it’s scary to think about and scary to realize just how much my NMO is affecting me, I’m grateful that I finally have an answer as to why I’ve been having the issues I’ve been having with breathing. This certainly explains why I can’t exercise, but it’s annoying all the same because I LOVE exercise, and I like to stay in shape. If only my first pulmonologist had done that test when I saw her a couple of years ago, things might have been different. This isn’t something that just happened – this has been going on for a while and it would have shown up on a test had she performed it. But I now know, and I’m committed to working on getting it better, if only a little.

Something I’m Proud Of.

*I’ve not done this for a bit (due to feeling unwell and just being so tired and simply not wanting to) so I’m proud that I’m making it a priority to do it. I really need to start making it a priority again. Even if I’m tired or not feeling well, I can still put something.

*When I got the news about my health, I stayed composed (I don’t think it had fully hit me yet, actually – not until I told my parents) and began coming up with a way to hopefully strengthen my muscles. The first thing that came to mind was pulmonary rehabilitation therapy and my doctor jumped right on board. After reading up more on it, I’m very encouraged that this could help. I’m very pleased that there’s a clinic in the town where we go all the time. If I’m able to get in, I’ll go three times a week for 6 weeks and I’m excited at that. I can come up with things to look forward to on the days I go to therapy. Anyway, I’m proud of myself for being proactive and finding something that might help.

Tomorrow I’m Looking Forward To:

I just love Saturdays, so I’m just looking forward to it in general. Even though I don’t work, my mind is still in that work mode and doesn’t really allow itself to fully relax until Saturday. Perhaps we might be able to eat out for breakfast :-)

Daily Affirmation:

I am resilient and proactive, finding strength in every challenge I face.

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jodilin65 · 32 years

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MONDAY, AUGUST 31, 1992 I’m on my patio which is very well-shaded. We need a massive thunder and lightning storm.

I went down to check the mail but there was nothing. I hear if any day he’s late, it’s Mondays. I’ll go check again in an hour.

I called for my test results and it still shows that I have a bacterial infection. Now I have to use a cream that’s been called in. That’s bad enough that I always have one fucking infection after another. What’s a whole lot worse is that in two months I must have another pap smear! No way. Those things are too painful. The nurse said to see if I can bring someone with me. Yeah, right. Get real. Like anyone cares?

I also called the phone company and found out two new things today. One is that I can get a letter of credit from CT to waive the $170 deposit. Two is I don’t have to pay $5 a month for long-distance blocks.

I will go talk to Tara later about her taking me to Hatcher St. with the form I had my doctor fill out. After I show them a rent receipt, proof of income and all that crap, they send the form to someone else. They’re the ones who either approve it or deny it. I have a feeling this is gonna take forever and I’ll be waiting there for 3 hours just like at the food stamp office. Also, one worker says you need to make an appointment, another says they don’t make appointments. That’s typical, huh?

I hope Andy can take me to Goot’s pharmacy. I’m so glad I was switched from Alupent to Proventil. I like it so much better cuz I get less of a pounding and racing heartbeat and I don’t have to use it as often. My asthma’s improved so much and today was the first day in years I did not have to take my Proventil when I woke up! I always used to have to take the Alupent or Proventil when I’d first wake up, but today’s the first day in years where I didn’t have to! I only took my Theodur and the Azmacort which are preventions, not meant to be taken whenever you feel like it. The Alupent and Proventil are the ones you take as needed to wipe out the wheezing instantly unless it’s so bad that you must go to the ER.

I think I will go and check the mail now, then go for a swim. I hope I’ve got a letter from Kim or somebody.

Later…

As usual, I didn’t get any mail at all. I think UPS will come tomorrow, rather than today.

I’ve spoken to Tara and Tonya a few times and we’ve had some really good talks. Tara said she appreciates having a woman around to talk to.

I’m gonna bring them my manicuring books and also an extra pair of scissors they mentioned needing. Then I’ll see when it’s convenient for Tara to take me to Hatcher St. I’m gonna have to wait till around the 15th, though. That’s when I can get a current rent receipt.

In the meantime, you know my rule. I’ve made the first move, now let them come to me. I sort of want to quit while I’m ahead and not see them too often to avoid problems just like I don’t see Kara every day. But Kara is a good friend and I do like her.

I’m gonna see if Andy wants to pay for us to go see the Twin Peaks movie, Fire Walk With Me. I’ll pay him back my share in food stamps if he wants.

The other day was so funny when Stephanie saw me coming to the pool with Tara and Tonya. She grinned and winked at me. I told Tara and Tonya that she was gay too and that I think she thinks we’re together. They laughed and thought that was funny. I told Stephanie alone, that they’re really nice and that they’re roommates who just moved in. I told her I doubted anything would happen, but I’d keep her posted.

That was the day I played volleyball in the pool with Sue, Steve, Robert, his cousin and a few others. It was lots of fun and Kara, Tara and Tonya were shocked at how many people I know around here.

Andy and Steph were talking about Tara and Tonya and Andy says Steph really likes me as a friend. That’s cool. I like her too.

A few days ago, due to Kara’s helping me, I gave her some cigarettes and made her, Ashley and myself a hot dog. We had lots of fun swimming, too. I put on my nose clips that time so I could go underwater and use both hands to do somersaults and handstands. Whenever I’d do a backflip, my hair would be in my face. It was really goofy looking and the look on Ashley’s face was so funny. I’m gonna go grab my nose clips and see if they’re home and want to go swimming now.

Later…

I went over to Kara’s and we all went swimming. You can tell Ashley’s getting to know me and recognizes me. Hopefully, she won’t be so fussy tomorrow when I babysit her. Kara’s mom got her a playpen for $5 at a yard sale. She’s gonna bring it over tomorrow which is great. That way I won’t have to be chasing her all over.

I now see Fay heading towards the other pool.

Last night, there was a knock on my door and it was Ellie. She goes, “Grab a cough of cuppee and…”

I cut her off saying I was busy and then I shut my door on her.

Today’s the kids’ first day back to school. Man, was this always a depressing day for me! Any miserable times as an adult sure beats my childhood. What a miserable kid I was. I hated school, and when I wasn’t in school I’d have to deal with my mom. Or Brattleboro and Valleyhead.

My nieces start school this Wednesday. Lisa’s excited, so thank God at least she enjoys school.

Tammy told me they’d get a letter out to me as soon as they get situated. I’ve got to get a letter out to Tammy and mom and dad. I have Sarah’s b-day card ready. I can’t remember if she’s gonna be 2 or 3. Becky’s 5 and Lisa’s 9.

I can’t wait till my family can come see me. I really do miss all of them and I’m dying to show off where I live and how happy I am.

Oh, guess what happened yesterday? When I went over to see Andy he asked, “Have you any idea why the Norwich police dept. would call at 5:11 in the morning?”

At first, I couldn’t think of any reason, then I remembered my letter to Debbie. The way I see it, it’s my constitutional right, there was nothing threatening or sexual. Just very very strange, but I’ll write no more letters to her. I told Andy to just ignore the call and that if he got a call and he didn’t recognize the voice and they asked for me, to say there’s no Jodi there. I mean, what the hell are they gonna do about a letter that makes no sense with a few pieces of hair in it?

Going for another swim now!

Later…

I am out on my patio now and I have been in such a good mood. Since I moved here I have had so many happy days despite the money problems. I wish I moved here a long time ago. I have had more happy days since June 9th than I’ve had in years. After being miserable for so long, I really appreciate being so happy now. It feels great. It also feels great to have my asthma be so much better.

Tomorrow marks two special anniversaries for me. One is that 7 years ago I began losing 40 pounds. Two is that it’s been 3 years with no Navane. I knew as well as other supportive and understanding people that I didn’t need any drugs. I needed a life with good people who were willing to deal with me, let me be myself and be there for me during my good and not-so-good times. No drug can replace what I have now, even though I’d still like to be a singer.

When I last went to the pool, Andy came in for a swim and we had a nice talk. We admired the beauty around us and compared it to back east. Here everything’s so new, cheap and beautiful. Back east everything’s old, dumpy and expensive.

There’s been an awesome breeze out and we’re due for a storm, I hear.

Andy and I made burgers and hotdogs on the grill. It took forever to get it lit cuz it was so windy. We also made collect calls from the payphone. He’s coming over in an hour or so and we’re gonna play cards.

I’m getting tired now, so if we do get a storm and he wants to go drive on top of the mountain, I don’t think I’ll go. I told him I would, but now I really am starting to tire down. I got up at 7:30.

I think I’ll go to the Jacuzzi now and later I’ll write about Tara. I really really like her!

Later…

It’s dark now and I’m on my patio. But I have my light on just inside my sliding glass door so I have plenty of light.

I went into the Jacuzzi a little while ago, then went to see Tara, but there was no answer.

Andy may have fallen asleep by now as he’s been up so long. I’m getting tired myself now so I’ll finish tomorrow.

Later…

I hope I get my package tomorrow!

Tara’s gonna take me to Goot’s, then I gotta be back by 3:00 at least so I can babysit.

Even though Kara’s moving two minutes away, I wish she wasn’t.

I met another girl who lives above Kara who’s also named Kara, but she prefers to use Linda which is her middle name. I’ve seen her boyfriend around several times as well as her.

I saw Sue today, too. Also, Stacey. Not Kara’s sister, but the other one who I couldn’t figure out why she left me hanging. Her son was in the hospital with pneumonia for 4 days and she hasn’t gone out cuz he’s still not quite over it. I told her to let me know if she needs me.

Andy was so funny at the pool earlier when we were cooking and on the pay phone. I had my suit on under my skirt which I took off to go for a swim. He put it on and started dancing around. Two people I didn’t know, along with Tara and Kara were cracking up. Then Paula was on her way around the corner showing apartments to people when I yelled out to him that she was coming. He quickly slipped it off, thanking me for the warning. Then says, “And these are the people that live here.” We were laughing our asses off, then I went and had a nice talk with Tara. I really do like her and I’m glad we met, but I’ll write all about her another time.

Current Location: Arizona

SUNDAY, AUGUST 30, 1992 Well, now I have to wait another month or so before I can lie out in the sun. I have this hideous sun poisoning. It��s an itchy rash all over that looks like lots of reddish zits. What a bummer, huh? Just when I’m beginning to really tan. I spoke to Dad earlier and he said to wear a T-shirt till it cools down.

He also said he called SS and for me to tell them to take a little at a time. I have 30 days to talk to them or ask for another waiver form, even though that’ll do no good. He said that September’s check will be the full $426 as they can’t touch it till they send me a letter stating how much they’re gonna take per month. The whole thing is so stupid. They’re doing this cuz I didn’t tell them sooner that I’d be moving.

All states are different as far as what they pay. New York and Massachusetts are the highest. Connecticut’s lower and Arizona’s nothing as far as SSI goes.

There’s a special edition of Unsolved Mysteries coming on, so I want to get a bite to eat. During commercials, I’ll write.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 29, 1992 I just polished my toenails and I’m writing while they dry.

Mark next door is occasionally fun to be around, but overall I’ve come to hate him. His attitude stinks and he hates the whole world. All he can do is rank on my friends, talk about sex and pressure me about getting stoned with him. So, yesterday when he knocked on my door to go swimming, I said I’d go and decided to turn the tables around. I reminded him of how he said he likes aggressive women who dish back to him what he dishes out. After all, I do give what I get. So, I started pressuring him into things I know he’s not into and ranking on all his friends. He said he no longer has any friends cuz they moved. I really gave it to him good at the pool. It was fun for both of us and when I said something that wasn’t too funny in his opinion, he pretended to laugh anyway.

Later…

I didn’t see Fay or Andy yesterday but Kara left a note on my door. They’re moving next Tuesday and I’m gonna babysit Ashley. Not that I’m looking forward to it, but it’s helping a friend while earning a little money.

Robert has his cousin visiting from Santa Fe. Luckily I woke up at 6:00 as at 8:00 he was running around up there to get the place cleaned up. It would’ve woken me up if I were sleeping and I’d have been pissed. His cousin’s getting up tomorrow at 6:00 and he says he’s a gorilla. I told him he better not be or I’ll be a gorilla. I have a right to my schedule, too.

I had a great time yesterday with Tara and Tonya. So far they’re super nice for such good-looking girls. We talked about all kinds of things and they’re definitely very open-minded and accepting of me.

Tara’s an awesome artist! She showed me an awesome airbrush painting she did and Tonya’s done some modeling. She showed me portfolios and several pictures and they were beautiful.

Their apartment is gorgeous. They have a 2-bedroom and there are also 2 bathrooms. One bathroom is just like mine and the bedroom’s the same size as mine. That’s the one Tonya has.

Tara’s room is huge and her bathroom’s big, too. She has a sliding glass door off of her bedroom that goes out to the patio along with the sliding glass door off the living room.

They each have their own car so they told me to let them know if I’ve got to go anywhere.

I showed them my place and my drawings, too. Tara’s drawings make mine look sick, though. I also showed them all the pictures Andy took. You know, the ones my mom flipped out about.

I had begun to tell them stuff about themselves I shouldn’t know. I thought, oops! I was afraid I’d freak them out, so I explained it to them. They thought it was so neat. They said they always wanted to meet someone like that and that they wish they could do that.

Well, there’s so much more to write, but I need to lie down for a little bit.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 28, 1992 I got up at around 3 AM and now I am eagerly waiting for the pool to open. It won’t be open till 8:00, said maintenance. I have my sliding door open and my windows. My ceiling fan’s on.

Every morning the maintenance guys go around the grounds collecting garbage with these tong-like things. They do various other stuff too, like repairs in apartments, painting, cleaning the grills and taking care of the pools and the grounds. Monday mornings suck. That’s when they mow the lawns.

While I was asleep, Kara left a note on my door. She wants to know if I’ll babysit Ashley next Tuesday. God knows I don’t want to, but I will to help my friend and earn a little money.

It amazes me that I never heard her knock.

Fay came over with a peace offering. A little table for my patio. We had a good talk and I told her how I felt. She is a nice person, she’s funny, and she’s helped me and cheered me up, but if there are any more lies, I’ll end it with her permanently with no peace offerings. She promised me that if she has anything to say about me, she’ll come say it to me.

I haven’t really seen Ellie and I don’t miss her. I think I’ll only be able to handle her if I see her very occasionally.

I got more color yesterday at the pool but I have this obnoxious itchy heat rash.

I didn’t see Sue at the pool, the girl I just met who works for the children’s protective services. Instead, I saw Angel, Brian, Bonnie, Stephanie and Tara.

At 11:00 I had gone to Tara’s to tell her the truth, but there was no answer. She said maybe she was in the shower as she’s home all day unless she’s got errands.

Fay gave me good advice. She said to go over, be honest, tell them the truth and what happened with Rosemarie. Fay said to tell them to make up their minds and keep them made up. Don’t go jerking me from one extreme to another and contradict themselves as Rosemarie did.

So, while I was using the grill I saw Tara at the pool. I told her I must be honest with her up front and she’s to take it or leave it. When I told her she laughed, saying she thought I was gonna tell her some big horrible thing, like I killed someone. She said her aunt’s gay and she and Tonya both had gay friends back in Colorado.

I told her I’d stop by her place sometime today. I’ll go see Kara also.

When Robert came down to go to school, he said to let him know if I find a black wallet. I asked if it was finder’s keeper. He said there was no money in it. Only his driver’s license. Oh well.

I’m waiting for Mark to come out to go to school. I’m gonna pounce all over him. I’ll write about that one later. Now I’ve got to have a bite to eat while I’m waiting for Mark and waiting for the pool to open. I need a good swim to wake me up.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 27, 1992 Yesterday my food stamps came! I was so psyched and I literally cried tears of relief. Angel’s husband Brian took me to the store cuz Andy was asleep at the time. Once I finished shopping and was in the checkout line, I saw Andy at the courtesy desk. He ran over to the thrift store, then brought me back. It feels so great to finally have a full refrigerator and full cabinets. I will now eat quite well.

Andy and I spoke yesterday at his place. He was very upset with the people who are supposed to fix his car.

He also said several things Fay and Ellie said that were bullshit. I’m so sick of Ellie’s delusions and moods. Her mood changes every 5 minutes and the woman is a nut.

Also, I’ve been catching Fay in more and more lies that are just adding up too much. I also know she was the one who lied to Rosemarie and Rick and got them to come over here. She said that if she did, it was her business. Yeah, well they really made it my business too, though, in the end, she did me a favor.

Andy told me other lies that he said he knew were lies. He also says he thinks Fay’s jealous cuz I’m tiny and she’s a 270-pound bitch. Also, she said she was gonna dump me (to Andy) and Andy feels she doesn’t want me to have any friends. She won on that one, cuz I’m not gonna have many friends.

I went over to her place and told her I’ll dump her and do the job for her. I told her how I feel and that she and Ellie cannot have a 24-hour-a-day friendship with me. They said they understood my schedule’s crazy, but naturally, they contradicted themselves on that one.

I’m tired of both their games and attitudes and I told them both I no longer want anything to do with either of them.

Andy says all this is still worth meeting people. What, does he want to get hurt? And see others get stepped on? I’m sorry, but I have self-respect and if I allowed myself “friends” like them I wouldn’t be a true friend to myself. Hey, that’s what happens when you lie. You do lose friends. True friends don’t do the things they’ve done.

I’ll write more later. I need a smoke now.

Later…

I got up last night at 2 AM. I’d have preferred to sleep till 4:00 or 5:00, but at least I have food and cigarettes.

I washed my hair and I’m gonna make sure I don’t get it in the pool today. When I go tanning I’ll put it up. I got some good color yesterday and I want to get more today. The only obnoxious problem is that I get a heat rash. Heat rash and break out with lots of little itchy bumps that look like thousands of zits. Mainly on my chest, stomach, thighs, and a little on my shoulders.

So far in the 3 months I’ve been here, or almost 3 months, I’ve been stabbed in the back and dumped by two people, and I dumped one liar and 1 nut job. Real good, huh?

Every time I want to be left alone and ignored, there’s somebody else there. Do I have a sign on me that says: Be my friend and real nice at first, then dump me or give me a good reason to dump you?

I was in the pool on my raft when some girl called out hi to me as if she knew me. She spoke more than I did and we discussed many things. Mainly about Arizona, other places and people. She told me she studied a lot about human behavior and when she mentioned her very good job as a children’s protective worker and all about the school, it scared me. Her job’s no match for one on disability and once again, just cuz I know I’m not stupid and I know myself, am happy with who and how I am, know my feelings, and I don’t need her coming down on me. She didn’t, though my head was saying not to talk to her. My heart was saying don’t prejudge her by others, wait till she does something. I told her this up front too, and that I’ve had a lot of problems with some of the people there.

Well, she’s OK as a pool buddy. Then again, I wonder if pool buddies are a cool idea. When they fuck me over, I’m gonna want to go to the pool and I’d appreciate not having to see them or know they’re there. Makes me wanna puke when I see Donna or Rosemarie and now Fay and Ellie.

Tonya wasn’t at the pool but Tara was. She wrote down her number which I never asked for. There are 3 things I could do, and I don’t know which one I should do. One, I could go over there and say nothing. Two, I could tell them I’m gay, accept it or leave it without changing their minds later on down the road. Three, ignore them. God, do I hate this! What do I do?

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 26, 1992 Well, I didn’t sleep as long as I’d have liked to. I slept till 12:30.

My neighbor, Cliff, who lives above Mark, says he’s got the day off tomorrow and can take me to the store. I hope I get my food stamps tomorrow, but I doubt it’ll be that soon. Yesterday, though, I did get my food stamp ID card. I hope they’re on their way for once, but if not I’ll have to use the few dollars I have to get a few things. I need to spare my cash for cigarettes and I hope mom and dad have money on the way.

It seems like 80% of my journals are all about my need for money. Is this how it’ll be for the rest of my life? But of all the reasons I can come up with that are not worth living for, this is another one. Who wants to go through life having no food half the time? You don’t have to feed a dead person and mom and dad don’t have to worry or help a dead person financially. A dead person can’t worry about not being a singer. A dead person can’t be burned by jerks. A dead person can’t want to be with someone.

God, I hate feeling this way! Especially here. It’s too beautiful here to have to worry about food and money. I’m glad that it’s gotten much easier these days knowing I cannot have a career as a singer, or the ideal relationship, or a child, but I’d be super, super, super happy if I could eat, pay the rent and bills and have a little left over for fun.

Thank God my parents and their place is OK. Dad says within two months I’ll have the rest of my stuff back.

Yesterday I sent out my electric bill and letters to Lisa, Fran and Nervous. I sent out Andy’s letter as well as Debbie’s letter. I also had junk mail with no-postage-necessary envelopes. I’ve sent in Debbie’s request for a jewelry catalog as well as for a Visa card. In a few months, Barbara will get a letter. Meanwhile, whenever I have a no-postage-necessary envelope for whatever, I’ll send it to Barb and Debbie along with various other people. I have to get a letter out to Mark, Tammy and my parents next.

Later…

I am dead tired today. I didn’t even sleep 8 hours and wish I’d slept a few hours later. Once I’m up, though, I’m up. I’ll just feel groggy all day. What would really perk me up would be to get my food stamps today, go shopping, come back and go swimming and work on my tan.

I spoke to Ellie and Fay briefly yesterday. As usual, Ellie started off cheerful, then she got crabby.

I helped Fay fill out a form for her yearly food stamp review. I left her alone in the apartment for a few minutes to go tell Mark I’d get a ride from someone else (he was drinking) and she stepped out saying she’d be right back. I hope she didn’t steal anything which I haven’t discovered yet. You know how paranoid I am about that. I also do a damn good job of attracting people like that.

I very quickly spoke to Stephanie and Angel yesterday. Angel’s sister Grace has gone back to Idaho where they’re from and now another sister of hers is here. I guess her name’s Bonnie. On my way out of the pool area, Angel asked me how things were going. I told her I’d be friendly and say hi, she’s never done me wrong, but I’m being cautious and keeping my mouth shut. I told her thanks for her concern, she’s a nice person, but I’ve been burned twice unfairly. I’m keeping to myself.

I also met two really nice girls who are roommates named Tara and Tonya. I met each one once before. They both have cute faces and medium-length hair blond hair. Tara’s a little heavy and Tonya has a very nice figure.

Tara says she plays the keyboards and they both want to get together with me. Once again, they all seem nice in the beginning, so I really hope they don’t pursue my friendship. I don’t think they’ll really bother seeking me out. They seem fairly stable and not the type to do such things. I have no idea how open-minded they may or may not be, but they seem like the dumpers, more than the dumpees.

The maintenance man came and fixed my bathroom faucet which dripped. He also moved my underwear almost behind the toilet but left my shorts and tank top where they were. I gave him permission to come in if I wasn’t here and I guess males are always males no matter what. I shouldn’t have left the clothes there either. The maintenance men stare me down all the time. They’re shabby scabby Mexicans. The exact type that would stare me down. I gave a show on my patio the other day. I pretended to be fighting with someone in my apartment.

I got some more CDs in the mail. That was fast.

When I go to the store, it’ll be after the mail gets here, but I doubt my food stamps will come today. Fay said Friday or Saturday, but I hope sooner.

Later…

I just spoke to Mark briefly, then went into the Jacuzzi.

Fay was on the pay phone and I headed over to Ellie’s for coffee but she was asleep. I could see her in bed through the side of her blinds.

I borrowed Andy’s vacuum yesterday and I woke him up. Well, I didn’t, his door did. He’s got a very squeaky door. Sometime today, I’m gonna vacuum my bathroom and kitchen after I scrub them down.

At 9 AM I’m gonna watch a talk show.

MONDAY, AUGUST 24, 1992 I am a little anxious now as I’ve heard on the news Florida’s gonna be hit by Hurricane Andrew. It’s supposed to be the worst in history. We’ve been hit here with tropical storm Lester and we’ve had lots of rain. I guess Miami’s gonna get it worse, but they say the coast is always the main target and I’m worried about my folks. No one in this family needs any more shit. We’ve all had enough and should they lose their home I’d be just as affected. I don’t mean to sound selfish, but my pictures and other things of mine are there. Also, I need their help financially. All they need is that crisis on top of what’s happening to me now. I’m scared for them and I’m scared for myself. This hurricane is supposed to be worse than Hurricane Hugo in 1989. They’ve also already estimated 10 billion dollars worth of damage.

Not only do I pray to you God to lift the curse off of me and allow me to be OK real soon money-wise, but leave my parents alone, too! Don’t let this hurricane destroy them. What is it I must do to make everything OK? With my parents and with me? If you can hear me up there, please spare my parents and find a way for me to go to the grocery store fast. For a huge shopping order. Please let them send me my food stamps this week. I promise to behave and keep out of trouble if you make sure I have enough food and cash. Also, please let my test results be OK and the visit with my parole officer be OK. Take care of my parents and me in the way that I ask and I will try to be as good as I can and I will keep to myself. Remember how happy I was when I first came here, even though I had a bad vibe? Allow me to feel that again, worry-free with no bad vibes. All I can say is that I’ve been through too much. Enough is enough and I don’t want to “prove” my strength anymore. I miraculously went through the crap I did in CT and with money here and never cut myself. Isn’t that enough? Isn’t that good enough proof for you? Let me be OK so I can relax and be happy. Free me from worries, fears and anxieties. Take care of my parents. There’s nothing else I can say as I’ve nailed it to the point.

Later…

I’m watching Matlock now and I think I’ll go to bed after Oprah. I’ve been up since 8:00 last night. I hope no one knocks on my door or Robert walks too hard so I can sleep hopefully much later than 8:00.

Starting at 8:00 Eastern time I began trying to reach my parents and got no answer. At 9:30 Eastern time, I got in touch with Tammy after the line was busy for a while. She’d just spoken to Ma and they’re fine and so is the island. She did leave on the 1st but they went other places before getting to Mom and Dad on the 10th. On the way back a suitcase of clothes fell off the top of their van. Dad said the same thing happened on the way down.

I spoke to Mom and Dad and they’re fine.

I do have more to say, but I’ll write later. I’m getting very tired.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 23, 1992 I’m watching Little House on the Prairie. The Twin Peaks movie is finally out. It starts on the 28th. It’s called Fire Walk With Me.

Last night I thought of a great way to mail letters free with no stamp. You write the address of the person you want it sent to as the return address. Put a phony name and address as the one you’re gonna send it to and it’ll get sent to the one you want it sent to returned for postage.

I made up a letter for Robert upstairs with some of the hair my dad sent. I also got a new and better letter for Debbie back in Oakwood Knoll with some hair. Next will be Barbara a few months from now. I want to space them out. I also have several others to send mail to in MA. Besides Nervous, Fran and Kim.

When I get a phone I’ll contact Jessie collect. If it won’t go through, I’ll try from a payphone or write her a letter. I also am gonna send Andy a letter. It’s got his address as the return one, of course, and Jayke in Chicopee, as who he’s sending a letter. He always says he never gets letters anymore since I moved here. It’ll be a surprise as I haven’t said anything about it.

I’ve got to stop for something to eat. I’m fucking starving!

Later…

I’m boiling water now to make some noodles.

Earlier I ran into Robert and two of his buddies. He introduced us (I forgot their names) and I joked once again about how I saw him profiled on America’s Most Wanted. He laughed and said he saw me on his milk carton. I told him I ran away from Taxachusetts.

We all went to the Jacuzzi and were laughing and telling all kinds of jokes.

He reminded me of our little arrangement and asked if I knew of any girls for him. I told him I didn’t and he knew of no one either.

He asked if it was me who made those funny calls and I burst out laughing. He said he knew of some pranks for me and they were all laughing at my calls to him. I told him about the letter and I gave it to him when we got back.

I have to send a letter to Mark next door. Then again, I’d rather send one to Donna. It’s been a long time since she’s heard from me. I have to try this on my mom and sister, too.

I wonder if my sister’s back home now. She said she’d call me when she returned but I have not yet heard from her.

Monday I need to call my bank about my balance. Also, I’ll call Peggy Sue at DES (Dept. of Economic Security) about my goddamn mother-fucking food stamps. Will I ever get them? If I don’t and what with SS fucking me over, my parents are gonna need to send me around $300 a month. I mean, they’re absolutely gonna have to. I can’t be evicted and totally starving. So they may have no choice.

I’m managing fairly well to try to keep my fear, anger and anxiety in check and smile and laugh. I’m also nervous about the results of my pap smear and when my parole officer comes to see me. I also want a phone!

Now with no more babysitting jobs except for Kara’s baby occasionally and not knowing what the fuck’s going on with my money, I better wait on getting a phone. I hate babysitting with a passion but I do need the money. I’m gonna call up Stacey, or go over there and thank her for leading me on, rather than telling me what’s going on.

I’m so sick of worrying about money! My stomach problems are worse since I have no choice but to not eat right. I never ate right all the time when I did have food money, but now it’s been so long since I’ve eaten right or enough. Not since last May. What is my purpose in this world? I wanna try to enjoy myself here the best I can without worrying about money, bills and food. And mind my own business, stop being so friendly and stop making friends. Just say hi to people and leave it at that.

I wish I could go to bed now and get up at 1:00. That way I can tan. Tomorrow’s gonna be a great day for that at only 94º.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 21, 1992 Not too much happened today. Andy and I went to get my meds. I got my Theodur and Azmacort, but they say as of Aug. 1st, the state will no longer pay for Alupent. It figures there’s got to be some problem for me. The woman there is gonna call Dr. Kareus and see if it can be changed to something similar like Proventil or Ventolin.

I’m really nervous about the results of my pap smear. This bloating stomach of mine, along with the funny feeling in my lower belly and the discharges has been going on too long. It’s really obnoxious. I am DES-exposed after all, and I do have a much higher chance of cervical cancer.

I swear that if I ever did need surgery again in my life for something that serious, I’d refuse. I’d rather die first and I still feel there are more reasons to want to drop dead than to live for. There are too many more problems in this world, even though things have improved as far as my living conditions. Too many more fucked up people than good and too many second-best and settlements to live for.

I still feel there’s a curse on me and there’s still a long way to go to getting food stamps and financial security. Something’s out to get me and get me good. It would’ve sounded crazy to me a long time ago, but now it’s rather obvious. So much goes wrong that I didn’t deserve. People shit on me I never shit on.

The horriblescopes, as we call them, in the TV guide are always accurate. What I read scared me. I went over to say hi to Fay. She gave me some cups and mugs she no longer wanted and whenever she’s got the TV guide I read the horriblescopes. I can remember reading these from TV guides a few years ago and what they said was true. The only thing it was off on was romance cuz it doesn’t apply to me. I read the horriblescopes from last Sat. to this Sat. It said to keep isolated and distance myself from people, otherwise, they’ll burn me whether I ask for it or not. It was right. The horriblescope from this Saturday to next Saturday was scary, but I figured as much anyway. It said delays and frustrations are right for me now.

Gee, thanks a lot! When is this shit gonna end with food stamps and SS? Taking away my dream of becoming a singer and having lust is enough. Making life one big settlement’s enough, but can’t I eat and pay my bills?! When it’s over, you know it’s over, but I can still sense more trouble ahead. Sometimes I wish I would come down with some terminal disease. One that’d wipe me out quickly and painlessly. I doubt there’s any such way to go, but I have had just way too much physically and mentally. Why can’t I just have one solid year of non-stop happiness and peace? This crap with Rosemarie was one thing. That much I can deal with. I’m so used to it, but give me my God damn food stamps and get SS off my back with their lies and bullshit! That way, settling will be easier and the smaller problems will be more tolerable. I have too many major setbacks which all hit me at once. All can go OK for a while, then I’m hit with several major issues and problems. Space them out and cut them down in size and severity, please God!!

Later…

We’re having a thunder and lightning storm which is awesome. We’re also having a cool spell. It actually feels cool and very comfortable. It’s around 75º but it feels so much cooler. If it were 75º at home, it’d be hot. Probably muggy, too. We do have some humid days here but nothing like back east. Notice how I refer to it as back east, rather than back home. Anyway, it’s very dry now and there’s a fantastic breeze. I always open my two windows and my sliding glass door when it’s windy to air out the place. The storm’s over now but before, during and after a storm it’s very windy.

Now I see what Andy means when he tells me it does get chilly in the winter. Too chilly to swim and when it gets below 60º it’s chilly. It feels cooler than it actually is but when it’s 110º, you feel it!

My asthma’s doing great. Tomorrow it’s supposed to be only 94º! That’ll feel like 80º and today they said it was 102º. I slept all day, of course. I think I can stand to turn off my AC tonight, or at least push it way up. I wish I lived on the 2nd floor so I could sleep with my windows open and have more privacy. I’ll just keep the blinds down. The girl on the second floor next to Andy’s moving out. He’s gonna talk to Stacey, the complex manager, about breaking up the $95 transfer fee in payments over the next year. I doubt she’ll go for it, but we’ll see. I have all the free time in the world so it doesn’t bother me. It’s something to do.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 20, 1992 I’ll now write about what happened with Rosemarie and Rick the other night. I was already in a bad mood due to that letter from SS. I still hadn’t gotten ahold of my dad yet at that time. I was making coffee when there was a knock on my door. It was Rosemarie. Apparently, Rick was hiding around the corner cuz at that time I didn’t see him. I guess she felt she needed his protection. She said she came to “set me straight.” I told her she did that a month ago when she told me she wanted nothing to do with me. She was the one who went from claiming to be so open-minded and accepting to being unable to accept people who aren’t just like her. She stabbed me in the back and prejudged and misjudged me.

Then she said she heard I was running around telling people I want her body. That’s bullshit, of course, as I’ve only told Andy, Fay and Ellie and I don’t see why they would tell the whole complex this. She also said something about me saying she was beating the shit out of me. I have no idea about that one either, but I just hope I didn’t misunderstand what was really her threatening me and me not jumping her for it, with or without Rick’s protection. She said not to leave letters on their door. Well, of course, I know all about that one but denied it, even though a red flat with Fay’s name went up on that one. Could she have told her about that? Would she tell her about that?

She added that she and Rick are fighting, though I don’t know what this has to do with me. I told her they’re all worked up over nothing, and their paranoia and fighting is their problem, not mine.

Then she said, “So, you’re saying she’s lying?”

I asked who’s “she” and she said she couldn’t say cuz she promised she wouldn’t say her name.

Yeah, sure. Whatever. It was probably Fay she misunderstood or something unless now it’s Fay’s turn to turn into a backstabber. Anyway, they made up everything except the letter, which I denied, of course.

Then as I opened the door and she was leaving, Rick appeared. He said, “I’m bothered, but I do understand your fantasy. Leave us alone. Don’t hang by the pool, don’t lurk.”

I said that I don’t “lurk” and if I want to swim in the pool, that’s my choice and my right. And sure he understands my “fantasy!”

Then they left. I’m sure the reason why they never attacked me was cuz they didn’t know how it’d come back on them by way of management or the cops. Plus, I know where they live. They sure as hell pissed me off. Big time. I was already in the foul and shittiest mood and I snapped. I’m sick of being the nice one, not asking for the shit I get, and people getting away with giving it to me. I wanted to show them who they were dealing with and who they just pissed off and over the edge.

As I opened my door to walk out, Dave the security guard was there. He said he was just coming to knock on my door and I told him exactly what happened. Then as I headed over to their place, my anger building more and more, his supervisor heard it all over the walkie-talkie and thought I was trying to commit suicide. I was really throwing rocks up to their place yelling for them to come down and face me again. I was so pissed! I really wanted to fight and get my anger out! It would’ve been on the right people, too. I know they heard me, but they never had the guts to open their door. Again, even though I wasn’t threatened (at least I don’t think I was), I was so pissed and wanted their asses so bad. I was sick of being shit on. Maybe I should’ve gone up and tried kicking their door down, even if I would’ve gotten arrested.

Then I headed back to my place and Dave followed. We talked and he began to calm me down. He said he understood I’m not usually like this and knew I’d never go off like that without a good reason. He said, “Smoke your cigarette and calm down. You’re doing well. I’ll get you a glass of water.”

So then two cops came and they were very friendly and I told them what happened. They said not to worry and that all will work out fine. Gee, I hope so cuz I’m really, really sick of this shit with the people here!

I saw him earlier tonight and he gave me a hug as I thanked him for talking with me.

Now I really, really mean it when I say no more friends other than the people I already know! I’m not talking to any new people. And now I have to try to figure out if Fay really is a friend or not. How else would Rosemarie know it was me who left the note on the door unless she or Rick saw me?

After I go make coffee, I do have more to write about concerning Kara.

Later…

Everything on TV was boring tonight, so now I’ll write about Kara. She came over and asked if I was OK and she told me she saw 3 cruisers pull up. I told her what happened and we ended up having a long, very nice talk. Between her and her mom and sister, I always took a liking to her most of all. I could sense she was the most open one of them all and the easiest to talk to. I could sense she and her sister were complete opposites like me and my sister. She told me her sister is a bitch and they were never close. She also says Stacey’s not very dependable. As in babysitting. I told her to tell Stacey to tell me if she’s not interested in a babysitter flat out, rather than leave me hanging.

I also wonder about the other Stacey, too. If I don’t hear from her in a week or so, I’ll call her. I will tell her just the same. “Tell me you’re not interested, but do not lead me on, keeping me wondering and waiting.”

Kara and her mom are moving across the street to a 2-bedroom apartment at the Via El Camino complex. She told me she’d always need me to babysit here and there, but especially so if she gets a job.

I also had another “sense” about Kara. When I told her why Rosemarie shit on me, I told her she could run out, too. I’m used to it. She said she knew gay people back in Michigan where she’s from as well as here and that she’s slept with women, too. Mostly during threesomes. I told her I wasn’t shocked. I sensed it. She also said she’s got a good 6th sense and she suspected I was gay. It’s funny how in the bars they all swear I’m straight, yet more and more people outside of bars tell me they’ve suspected me. And you know I look far from dyky. Maybe it’s my muscle tone and firm “don’t fuck with me” attitude I give off at the same time I give off an open, sensitive attitude and have a sense of humor. I know she’s bi, but she’s more into men. The funny thing about Kara is that she’s plain and homely, but she’s not. I don’t know why but I constantly think of her. Naturally, I’d never ever dare tell her. I know she’d never turn around and punch me out, but I’d still never tell her. It’s my secret and she’s more into men and could think I’m ugly for all I know.

She did ask if I’d like to go out to this place near the Metro Center. A place with pinball games and stuff like that.

She said anytime I need to talk, she’s there. I was so afraid and so hesitant about being her friend and she said she understood why. I said I hope our friendship does stick and she said it’ll stick with utter confidence. That’s cool and I really do like her and appreciated her talking with me. She came over a few days ago too, to visit with me.

I’m gonna go out on my porch and have a smoke. I really shouldn’t smoke in the apartment.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 19, 1992 My God, I cannot believe all the things that have happened since I last wrote! In less than 24 hours my whole world turned upside down once again. There’s always one problem after another that I don’t ask for. Mainly with money and backstabbing people. I’m cursed no matter where I live but the problems are mainly food and money. I’ve been so damn happy here otherwise, so why can’t whatever’s cursing me leave me alone?

Upon arriving here in Arizona, I had a horrible vibe about money and food. It’s like I could hear something telling me it’ll only allow me so much to eat. Enjoy food when you’ve got it cuz it won’t last long. Something’s out to starve me and get me real good. The only thing I can think of as to why this is happening is cuz I billed a couple of calls to Gloria, but the punishment doesn’t fit the crime. What happened with Rick and Rosemarie is enough. Why keep me with money problems, very little for me to eat, and keep the food stamps stalling? Gloria’s fucking rich!

Rosemarie’s a bitch who’s no surprise. I mean, typical happenings with the ones I’m attracted to and I’m used to that. But sex with Rosemarie or other gorgeous women isn’t a necessity. Food is. And paying the rent and the electric bill.

Ellie never came to my door like she said she would and I fell asleep at 9 AM. Kara knocked on my door asking me if I could babysit her daughter Ashley from 2:00 - 3:30. I said I would and she went to a job interview. I was psyched, and she gave me $10 in food stamps.

I woke up in a fine mood even though I was quite hungry.

I told her I was gonna go check my mail, then get the baby. As I walked closer to my mailbox, my hopes for any food stamps began to fade. A bad vibe came on stronger. I knew they were gonna come after my SS check! They pulled the same shit they pulled when I moved to CT. They say I’m overpaid and are gonna snatch $231 out of my $426! But I never even was overpaid. Then they said I didn’t tell them I was moving in time to prevent the overpayment. Also, they proved that me paying the money back wouldn’t put a financial hardship on me. Ha! How do you call using $200 to pay rent of $277, the electric bill and food no financial hardship? Oh yeah, that’s really easy.

These people are fucking fucked in the head and they don’t give a shit about no one but themselves and taking away people’s money to spend it on garbage. The food stamp people only care about minorities and single mothers.

While I babysat Ashley I sat there crying, wishing I could enjoy my happiness here without worrying constantly about food and money. Wishing I could drop dead so as not to worry about being able to eat, pay bills, depend on others for help and live a second-best life. Life is one big settlement. Any curse here is better than being in Norwich. However, I feel like life’s one big sentence and I’m just waiting till my time’s up. Whatever it is up there took away my music and I’ll never have real serious lust, but why this? Can’t I have smaller problems less often? Can’t I eat OK and pay my bills easily enough? Kara gave me a couple of TV dinners and I tried calling mom and dad. As usual, when it’s urgent and you really need them, they’re not home. If you’re happy and just gonna say hi, they answer. Next time something important comes up, I won’t even bother calling right away. And with one curse after another, I know it won’t stop at this point. I finally did get in touch with my parents at around 8:30 my time. Dad answered and I told him the whole story. I told him I’d send him a photocopy of the bullshit letter from SS. He said not to worry and that it was a minor problem he can take care of. He said let them take it out of my check and he’ll send me some money. Meanwhile, he said to call the food stamp people and tell them I need my food stamps.

But I’ve been doing that since June 9th!

I have tons and tons more to write about, but I am way too tired. I’m sneezing my ass off and I hope I’m not coming down with anything. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. Also, I think Terros is coming out.

Later…

I am here now at Dr. Karius’ office and I guess it’s a good thing I brought this journal. The receptionist told me he’s way behind.

I never could fall asleep last night till nearly 6 AM. I couldn’t stop sneezing. I got up and took some Suditab my mom sent me, then fell asleep. Right now, I am still very tired. I kept waking up constantly. Every hour or so. I’m not sneezing too much now but my eyes are a little swollen and puffy even though Andy says they’re perfectly white.

I still haven’t gotten my food stamps today but am I surprised?

I left off last night with my talk with my dad. After I ask the receptionist if there’s a place around here where I can get some coffee and a bite to eat, I’ll continue with Rosemarie and Kara.

Later…

I am home now, thank God. I was at the doctor’s for so long. Around two hours. The doctor said never to make appointments on a Wednesday. Shouldn’t he have told me this before?

Hunter’s going on now so I’ll write when it’s over.

Later…

We’re having a humongous thunder and lightning storm now.

There’s not much to say about the doctor’s visit. But he did say there’s still a funny discharge. I’ll call in a week to find out the results of the pap smear. It certainly didn’t tickle and I was bleeding afterward. He said that can happen.

I weigh 99 pounds. He also filled my prescriptions. They filled out my TAP form and photocopied that letter from SS. I hope it’s not raining inside the mailbox I threw it in.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 18, 1992 I am not in the best of moods right now. Two other people I know got their food stamps. What in the hell is going on with me? Why do they continue to do this to me? I can’t keep eating only soup and crackers on a daily basis! If the food stamp people still plan on never sending me my stamps, I’ll starve cuz for all I know my next babysitting job could be ages from now. I only have a few bucks on me and a little in the bank. That’s got to be used for my electric bill. What did I do to deserve this? Is this compensation for my moving here? Just cuz I moved, God’s got to take away my food? Taking away my singing career and good sex is enough! Can’t I just have enough food to eat every day? Please, God! Take away the singing, take away Rosemarie and other people like her, make them dump on me, but don’t take away my food! Let me eat! Please let them send me my food stamps this week!

The only good news is that I got that journal through priority mail from Kim.

Later…

I thought I’d get up early today, or yesterday, I should say. I thought the lawnmowers would wake me, but I thought wrong. I was actually falling asleep as they were mowing the lawns.

Ellie is gonna wake me up at 1:00 with coffee.

I desperately need to go tanning. I don’t know about that, though. I just heard them say on TV it’ll be 112º tomorrow! I may have to hold off on my deep dark tan until September or October.

Wednesday I have a doctor’s appointment and I sure hope I’m not told anything I don’t want to hear. Andy says he’ll pick up my prescriptions the next day on his way home from work. I hope he remembers. He’s got shit for memory but he claims to be giving up pot for a few months.

I still haven’t made up my mind on whether or not to slip Rosemarie that note. I’m sure I’m wasting my time, and again, if it were meant to be I’d have found that out long ago. I’ll never be able to sleep with a woman as beautiful as she is. With my luck, she’ll refuse to even take the note when I hand it to her. If I do. Hey, why not one of these days? So what if I know it’ll come to nothing. The game of it is still fun.

Later…

Speaking of notes, I almost forgot to mention what Andy did. He delivered the same note Mark got to Rosemarie. At 11:30 or so, he was out taking a walk and he taped it to their door. Fay said she thinks Rick leaves before Rosemarie and I hope she’s wrong. I hope she gets it, but even if she doesn’t, naturally she’ll hear all about it. What a confusing way to start off your morning, regardless of who gets it first!

MONDAY, AUGUST 17, 1992 I can’t sleep so I figured now’s a good time to write. I still have some updating to do. Well, my sister’s 35 now. I guess she, Bill and the girls will be home in a few days. I sent out a letter to Becky and now I’ve got to get one out to Lisa, Tammy and my parents.

When in the hell will I get the rest of my picture collection sent to me?

Stacey, Justin’s mom, got fired from her job last Monday. She still says she and her husband will need a regular babysitter. She says she’ll let me know when she needs me to babysit. The other Stacey said that too, and I hope they both hurry the hell up. I need the money. I swear God’s out to starve me! He just doesn’t want me eating on a normal and regular basis. But why? I still don’t believe I’ll ever get food stamps till I see it. It’s been 3 months now. Why are they doing this to me? Last Friday I got the form to sign from the woman who did my phone interview. I signed it and enclosed a rent receipt and my electric bill stub. I mailed it out that day. I’ve done all that’s required of me, yet for all I know, they’ll wait another 3 months. Even a whole month is too long unless I can babysit.

I learned how to use the grills here, which is easy. Very convenient, too. No dirty frying pan to clean after I make a hamburger.

I ran into Ellie that night and I played with her head a bit and teased her. She also trimmed my hair at midnight on the 16th. I had her take off 2”, trim my bangs, and blend my antlers, as I call them, to make it look better as it grows out. She did a very nice job and of course, my hair is now in shock. If you only trim your hair once or twice a year, it will go into shock. It appears 3 or even 4 inches shorter, but the great thing about it is, is that in only a week it’ll be back where it was. Then, it’ll fly. I mean, it’ll grow so fast. When my birthday comes, I’ll be sitting on it without having to put my head back. It’s still very very very curly. Spirally curly. When I pull the curls straight, it is 4” longer. Pulled straight, it was to the crack of my ass before she trimmed it. Now when you pull it straight it’s at my waist. Let go of it and let it curl up and it’s just above the waist. Mark and Andy said they didn’t notice it at all. Maybe that was cuz I had it all brushed out.

Later…

Now to finish the sick, cruel, mean and unfair Rosemarie story. Typical, though, cuz this is what I always get from the ones I feel a “spark” with. It comes as no real surprise to me. I asked for it by wasting my time with her and set myself up for what happened but it was fun till I got burned.

After I gave Rosemarie a piece of my mind for dumping on me, Stephanie jumped in the pool when I jumped in with her. She asked me what was up and I said, “That goddamn mother-fucking son of a bitch!” She asked me who I was referring to and I gestured towards Rosemarie and said, “That one!”

Then I told Stephanie and Harriett what happened. Right away Stephanie understood, but Harriett was sort of holding it against me, saying something about me having a lot of anger. Yes, I did, and I had reason to, as I pointed out. Then she asked me if I always take my anger and misery out on everyone, though I don’t know who she thought I was supposed to be taking it out on. I thought, gee, here we go with another winner out to judge a person and a situation they don’t even know. Just as I was saying, “Hey, you don’t even know me or what happened” (I was actually talking to Steph), Stephanie defended me and told Harriett that she’d be pissed and go off, too. Afterward, I did chat with Harriett and it was nice. I’d never want to be buddies with her, though.

Rosemarie heard everything we said and eventually got up to leave, never once saying a word or even looking at me. Stephanie, Harriett and I were yelling out all kinds of weird shit along the way.

I still think she was influenced by Rick (probably cuz he knew I wouldn’t include him in the sex I wanted to have with her). If she were single and living alone, then just maybe she’d have a mind of her own. For now, I’ll never know what she’s really thinking and feeling. I doubt I ever will, either.

Later…

Since I still can’t sleep, I’ll finish with Rosemarie. I’m pissed that my schedule’s all fucked up again. For the last two days, I tried setting my alarm to get up earlier, but it never worked. The hard part is pulling myself out of bed. If I could just pull myself up out of bed, have a bite to eat and some coffee, I’ll be OK. Tired, but at least I’ll be up. Then I can go lie out and relax by the pool all day. Or as long as I can stand it. It’s hot. I mean, really fucking hot! I’m losing all my color too, and that pisses me off. Tanning will be easier and more tolerable in a month or two from now when it gets cooler. I do have my Walkman and nothing to do tomorrow.

Andy and I went out for Chinese food earlier and I withdrew a little money. I need my food stamps!

He and another gay guy he works with were gonna go out to a bar, but I guess they never did. He mentioned doing karaoke tomorrow night but he’s got to have dinner with his friend Anita who’s moving to Florida. I hear she hates it here, mainly cuz of the people. Andy and several others have said the same thing. That compared to several other states, Arizona has the worst people. People come off as friendly at first, then they stab you in the back. Donna and Rosemarie are perfect examples, but I say people are screwed up everywhere. There are sick, cruel, vindictive, insensitive, narrow-minded, stupid and judgmental people all over the world. Again, leave it to those who are pretty and emotionally and financially stable to screw you up and over. On the other hand, I really believe that people like Donna and Rosemarie are what you call “great pretenders.” They’re the ones who do the best job of seeming as if they’ve got their shit 100% together. Rosemarie has no backbone of her own. She’s got to kiss society’s ass as well as her boyfriend’s. If she really is curious and or not completely happy with Rick, why doesn’t she leave? Or say how she feels? Is it that difficult? I’m 98% sure she can support her own self and she seems like she could survive on her own. She does not seem like the so-called desperate type.

Why can’t people associate with those who are different? Can’t she tell herself, “OK I’m not into what she’s into, but she’s who she is and I’m who I am, just be friends,” and that’s it?

Life would be too boring if we all were the same and did the same thing, said the same thing, thought the same thing, wore the same clothes, did the same job. What’s wrong with variety?

Rosemarie and Rick had claimed they were so open, accepting and fascinated with all types of people. Ha, Ha. Donna said the same thing.

Fay spoke to Rosemarie in the laundry room and I guess the fear of AIDS came up. Fay simply reminded Rosemarie that straights can get AIDS, too. And straight women are more at risk than gay women. Fay said Rosemarie said she felt bad and didn’t mean to hurt me. Also that Rick was in fear of losing her and she’s in fear of Rick as he supposedly beat up some other girl. She really did want to come and see me, she claims, but Rick was watching her like a hawk. Lastly, she’d communicate with me through Fay, and for now, I shouldn’t say hi to her at the pool cuz of Rick.

So the next night at 10:00, Fay and Rosemarie were to meet in the laundry room. Fay waited half an hour and she never showed up. At 10:45 I went to the pool and made it look like I was looking for someone. I saw Rosemarie and Rick outside their door. It seemed as if they were arguing, but I couldn’t make out any words. I ran and told Fay, who said they do have their fights.

The next day Fay told me that shortly after that, they both showed up at her door. Rosemarie had changed her story and went along with Rick. Fay said Rosemarie was kissing Rick’s ass but agrees that she may handle things differently without Rick in the picture. I told Fay I already figured as much. Fay also said that if I were straight, Rick would have no fear of me hanging around with her. Also, if I were bi, I may have been able to go in on a threesome with them. God only knows there are plenty of folks into that scene.

One day while I was tanning I saw Rick as he was walking by. Shockingly, he did say hi. Then the Saturday before last, Rosemarie was leaving the pool area as I was walking in. She shocked the shit out of me and said, “That’s a pretty bathing suit.” My head told me to tell her to fuck off, go to hell and die. My heart was jumping for joy and I said thanked her while I tried to hide the grin on my face.

It’s so hard when it comes to the ultimate attraction like this, but not as hard as it used to be. Once similar situations happen over and over, they get easier to deal with. I’ve been dumped numerous times and they were all usually by the beautiful ones. You do get used to it and immune to crying really badly. You learn to pretty much expect it. Back when I knew Mary, Norah and Nissan, them dumping on me was very hard on me. I was young and still inexperienced as far as being dumped was concerned. Now it’s far from anything new.

I must get a bite to eat.

Later…

God, I wish I was just waking up. When I do fall asleep, not sleeping too late should be easy. Monday’s the day they mow all the lawns at 6 AM.

I wonder if I should slip Rosemarie a note? I’d probably be wasting my time, but once again, the chase is fun. It can be a fun game if you make it that way. Wondering is fun even though I’d die to get her in bed just once. Ellie says that once you get that ultimate attraction, you won’t want it anymore. Sort of like the end of the race at that point. I hope she’s right and if so, I especially hope I get it soon. Yes, I know I am only dreaming when I say that. Maybe in my next life. I have a note written up anyway. In it, I ask if we can meet up in the laundry room at 10:00 tonight. I don’t know exactly when and if I’ll really ever give it to her. We’ll see.

God, just send her to me! Have her tell me she’s curious to try it once but to never tell anyone. I can keep a secret. Other than with Andy, of course.

My fortune cookie last night said a letter of great importance will come in the mail. It better be good and about my food stamps! I hope I get some letters and packages. I also hope Kim lives up to her promises of a letter, a journal, and blank tapes. I still have tons of editing to do.

I’m also gonna get 3 people in trouble. Donna, cuz I can’t stand her, and 2 others who have cats. They live on the 1st and 2nd floors where they’re not allowed. Donna’s got blinds hanging up on her patio to block the sun. Those are not allowed. Why should everyone else be allowed to break the rules while I was forced to give up my cat?

Well, I guess I’ll try to get some sleep now.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 15, 1992 I don’t think I’ll write too much tonight as I am kind of tired. That’s good, though.

I got another job from another girl here named Stacey. This job seems like it oughta be better than babysitting for Justin. By the way, she’s from Taxachusetts, too. Haverhill, which is about a half-hour from Boston. She says she’s very flexible and I will be working at night for her. She may need me to clean and babysit her 13-month-old son on Saturday nights when she goes out. She works for MCI and has very little free time so she goes out on Saturday nights usually from 7 PM - 1 AM.

Soon I can get a phone and do some very serious shopping. Andy and I did go to the mall earlier and I bought 3 new journals. I also got cigarettes and some ice cream.

I hope I fall asleep by 3:00 and can get up at 11:00 or noon. I need my tan back!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 14, 1992 Two days ago was my parent’s anniversary and I asked Dad, when I spoke to them on the phone, how many years it’s been. Dad said 41 years and I said, “Wow, 41 years with the same person!”

Dad said, “Yeah, I gotta get used to it.”

Ma said, “And almost 27 years with the same daughter.”

Well, at least I got one thing in my favor over Tammy. She’s been Tammy’s mom for 8 years longer than mine.

Who can I send the hair I got to? There’s enough to send to a few people. I’ll mail Nervous Dad’s letter and perhaps mail Bob’s letter to either Rosemarie or Donna. It was the same letter I stuck on Mark’s door.

When you’re just hanging around talking to Mark, he’s a good guy. If he’s drinking or with his friends, they’re all weird together.

I took an old address book over and asked him if he knew anything about it. I said I found it by my door. I did it cuz he never asked me about the letter. I knew this would bring up the subject and it did. He said it had his name in it, along with Michelle’s (some chick he screws), and he read it and had no idea what the hell it was. I asked him if I could have it to play a joke on Andy. Sure, he said.

I don’t know Rosemarie’s or Rick’s last name, but I sure wish I knew that along with their phone number and Ellie’s. I’ll get Ellie’s eventually.

One of Mark’s friends says he’s moving back to Texas and he may give me a small table for my porch. It’ll be nice to do my writing out there once the weather cools off and becomes more bearable. I don’t know. You know I never buy anything unless I see it. I may eventually buy a medium-sized color TV for $25 from Mark. We’ll see.

I still have so much writing to do even though I’ve got tons of other stuff to do. I want to get letters out to Tammy, Becky and Lisa so they’ll all have them when they get home. I guess they’ll be home on the 20th, according to Tammy.

Because I slept till 3:30 PM, I’ll be up till around 9 AM and I’ll only get a few hours of sleep. I want to get up and call the bank to inquire about my balance and also I must get on with my tan. I promised to be very dark by now and I’m not. It’s hard to keep patient about it and tolerate the heat. It’ll be about 107º tomorrow. I think in a month or two from now, it’ll be much easier to tolerate tanning.

Even though I will be exhausted, at least I can make money under the table, at home. The hard part tomorrow will be pulling myself up out of bed. If I can just do that at noon, take my meds, and have coffee, I can lie down, close my eyes and relax at the pool. I’ll take my Walkman which has fresh batteries. Andy took it to use on the plane and he put new batteries in it. I still have to get batteries for my wall clocks here. Once you put them in, they last forever. My flashlight will need some, too.

So, the only stressful part of tomorrow is chasing the kid all over here trying to keep him out of my stuff, but at least I’ll be paid tomorrow. The first day he was OK and he took a nap for an hour and a half. When he woke up he cried for an hour or so. The last time the little beast cried for 3 hours. I couldn’t shut it up and I have no idea in hell how people do it on a regular basis whether they’re single or not. It’s not worth it and it makes me wonder how and why I wanted one for a while. First, there’s the physical part of it. The morning sickness, the labor, delivery, being forever fatter, and the baby blues. Then there’s the screaming and crying while you never can sleep and are tied down unable to go anywhere while they trash your place and cost thousands and thousands of dollars.

Well, it is at home, under the table. I need the money and it’s not my kid. I told Stacey that I’ll only take him from 4 PM-8:30 PM, Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I’ll do a very occasional Saturday. It’ll be around $130 a month and they’ll be paying me weekly. She said it’s $30 a week no matter what unless I do more than that. This week I’ll get a bit more.

When Andy came back he said, “Remember your $150 debt with me? Well, that’s over now.” Now he’s paying me around $40 monthly to clean.

My food stamps will be about $111 whenever the hell they get here. The lady there is sending me a form to sign and I must send her a rent receipt and a copy of the electric bill. That was only $55 this month. I have a doctor’s appointment next Wednesday at 4:45 PM, and I’ll bring that phone form to him.

I’m no longer cleaning for Ellie as she’s a sorry, bitchy paranoid nut with a million problems. She goes on and on for hours complaining about this and that. She says she’s gonna die and that there are 5 organizations after her. She’s another one who goes back on her word and says I never said things I really did say. First, she swore she could afford to pay me $100 a month to clean for her and now she’s sorry she said that. Her son needs her money yet her son hates her and never comes to see her. She bitches and complains about how I clean and she’s always argumentative. One minute she’ll apologize for being a bitch, then she’s bitchy all over again.

Dave, the security guard and I were laughing about some of her delusions. The things she hears and sees. GI Joe, the physician, management putting petroleum through her vents to kill her like a cockroach along with those 5 organizations. She really is funny and you can have a field day playing with her head at the pool. You just wouldn’t want her at your apartment and you wouldn’t want to clean hers. Every so often I’ll go over to her place to play with her head.

I need to take my meds, eat and have some coffee. Maybe listen to music, too.

Later…

I’ve got to ask Andy to take me to the Metro Mall so I can buy more journals. I spoke to Kim who swears she’s sending me a blank journal she has, a letter and some blanks to make her funny tapes with. Edits, the complex argument, and other conversations with Bob and I.

She also says that next year she wants to travel across the country and she’ll see me when she does.

I guess Mark’s moving out but she’s not sure if she’s staying there on Elm St. She said she’ll let me know if she moves and I told her that I’ll mail her my number when I get a phone.

I still have other odds and ends I must buy. Like a pail for the kitchen, and I once saw a $14 electric typewriter at the thrift store that I’d like. As soon as I get money saved, I’m going shopping! If I got an electric typewriter, then Mom and Dad could keep my portable one and not bother to ship it. It isn’t the greatest typewriter. You have to really slam the keys down and my fingers always fall through the keys. Between them, I mean, and I cut my fingers. Electric ones have a closed keyboard.

I still haven’t contacted Jessie, Paula or Jai. I sent Jai a wacky letter and maybe I’ll write him a serious one, one of these days. Maybe try to get ahold of Jessie by calling her collect from Andy’s phone. She’ll accept the charges. I wonder if Steve moved and if he’s made any attempts to contact me. I’m sure Ann Marie has tried calling. Ha, ha to her! Bet she never thought I’d up and disappear and blow her off!

I am definitely no longer open to any new friendships whatsoever. I’ll keep Fay for now but I must stop being so friendly. If someone starts chatting with me at the pool, I’m just gonna be like yeah, yeah, yeah, till they get the message and screw off. People are so fucked in the head and I really do hate them. The same old pattern goes on where I’m either the dumper or the dumpee.

If I didn’t dump Ellie, she’d have stuck to me like glue forever. All I get are the metal cases while the so-called “better” people dump me. Same old shit. I keep to myself more and more cuz I’m tired of running around dumping people and getting dumped. Also, being dumped on by those that I dump or am dumped by. Rosemarie helped to continue to reinforce it in my head along with Donna and so many other queen snobs and mental cases.

Now for the Rosemarie story which is typical of what I get. Especially from a girl who’s gorgeous and has a good job. She works for some lawyer. She’s the ultimate attraction and she’s doing OK financially and emotionally as far as I can see on the surface. She’s the opposite of the Nervous, Fran and Ellie’s I get with no problem. She’s been steady with Rick but they do have their fights like every couple. I am not in the least bit shocked over what happened. I left off by saying how great my visits were at their place. They made me feel very accepted and welcomed. They said not to think they felt anything less about me cuz I’m gay. Their place was always open to me. They seemed so open and we laughed, joked and had nice talks. Rosemarie said don’t worry about other people being so snobby due to my getting SS. Oh, and she knows what I’m going through.

Does she? When has she ever gotten SS? She has a good job.

After two weeks went by where they seemed to be avoiding me, I caught Rosemarie alone at the pool. I walked up to her and said, “OK, what did I do?”

She said, “You didn’t do anything, but I’m not going to lie to you. We’re kind of religious and I thought about it and I decided I don’t want to have your type around.”

Can you believe how quickly people change? From white to black, instantly. And doesn’t religion teach people to accept everybody as they are? I’ve heard that they do, but then others say it bashes gays. Either way, what’s religion got to do with what we’re attracted to? It shouldn’t matter.

I pointed out that she said the direct opposite; that my gayness wasn’t a problem, and she said that she thought about it after I left.

I wondered if Rick may’ve influenced her. I always got the feeling that he was the type to boss her around.

I asked if we could talk about it and she said she’d rather not. At that point, I said what I had to say anyway. I said, “As far as I’m concerned, any prejudiced person is insecure with themselves. Why do you want people to be just like you? Can’t you be around different types of people? Why throw away good people over who they sleep with? And what’s religion have to do with who you’re sexually attracted to?”

I called her a lying, contradicting, backstabbing bitch and she was silent the whole time I spoke and never said another word. Then, Stephanie and her new roommate Harriett came into the pool as the other pool was closed. I’ll pick up the story from there another time. My hand is killing me.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 13, 1992 Now, I’m going to write about several things before I get very backed up again. I have several things to write about so I may jump from subject to subject as I remember things. Sometimes I find it’s better to write something right away before I forget.

The major topics are Ellie, Rosemarie, Fay and babysitting.

Then there are little things like Ray, the parole officer. He’s going on vacation now for two weeks and he’ll drop by when he returns.

Yesterday I had my unexpected phone interview with a lady at food stamps. Just when I was about to give up after being jerked around for 3 months the notice came in the mail. Know why it took so long? It had been returned to them for postage. That’s welfare for you!

I still have lots of editing and editing down to do. Also, letter writing, and coloring the poster Fay gave me.

I got a couple of packages from Mom and Dad. The other two chairs to my table which are out on my patio, more tanning oil, lotion, napkins, toilet paper, paper towels, baggies, garbage bags, a nice shirt with a floral pattern that fit perfectly, and some coupons. There were 3 small notepads with Barbie on the cover.

Also, a bag with a glob of hair in which Dad taped a note saying, Jodi, I got a haircut, Dad.

I know it’s not his hair cuz this hair was brown. If it was his hair, he’d be bald due to the amount that was there. It’s cute anyway and when I get my hair trimmed, now that I can afford to have Velma trim it, I’ll send some their way.

I got a $10 bill along with Dad’s letter today.

The evening of the 11th I called Florida collect from Andy’s phone while he was out at bingo. I spoke to Mom, Dad and Tammy. The girls and Bill, who I don’t miss, were staying in someone else’s place. I could’ve spoken to the girls, but I’ll write to them.

Tammy said she and Lisa sent out a letter before they left, but I never got it.

Tammy originally told me she left on the 1st. Before, she thought she’d be around during Andy’s week at the beach and she was gonna join him there. Dad said in his letter she was to arrive on the 10th so obviously, she was afraid to tell me. Maybe she decided she didn’t want to visit Andy and thinks I’ll be upset knowing she was there when he was. As you know I wrote in a previous entry how glad I was they wouldn’t get together so they wouldn’t talk too much when I wouldn’t be around to defend myself. If she had really left on the 1st and mailed me a letter before going to Florida, I’d have gotten it by now. If she left on the 10th and mailed it the day before, I should get it tomorrow or the next day.

If everything I just wrote is true and is really what happened, and I do believe I’m right on the money, Tammy will be shocked. I’ll catch her off guard and she’ll be like, gee, how’d she figure all this out? Maybe she is too smart to fool.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 11, 1992 Tonight Reasonable Doubts will be on. Thank God the Olympics are over. Of course, it’s a repeat but Marlee Matlin’s worth it. Someone will surely knock on my door but I won’t answer it. Ellie, Fay or Mark next door will knock. Mark and his friends get drunk and stoned and have nothing to discuss but sex. I’m getting really sick of it, too.

Guess what I found on my door while I was out last week? A card from Ray M, a parole officer. I called the number and asked why I was on parole when I’ve never been to prison. I’m on probation, not parole, but I guess that cuz I came from another state, this is how they do it. Maybe I’ll call his office tomorrow. Or maybe he’ll come here.

Andy had a great week back home. He enjoyed the beach and his cottage after so many years. He saw the M's and Charlotte. Supposedly the M's are friends with his family, and Andy’s aunt Joyce got permission to park in the M's driveway. Then someone supposedly overheard Charlotte saying, “Let’s get this car towed.”

Why? After so many years, I wouldn’t even bother starting shit like that. Why can’t people let dead dogs lie? I never realized Charlotte was that vindictive and was such a grudge-holder. I’ve also been told my folks and Charlotte and Jim had some kind of falling out a few years back and are no longer buddies. What else is new? No friendships seem to last any more than relationships. Is this why they live 90 miles away from each other? Aunt Ruth and Uncle Marty live an hour away, too.

Andy told Char how I love it here and have met lots of people. He said she said that’s good as she heard I had a hard time in CT.

Yeah, I’m sure you did, Char! I’m sure you heard all about it and so much more, thanks to Dureen’s big mouth.

Well, I always knew I was the most talked-about member of my family. That is, regardless of how much is true, blown out of proportion, or total bullshit.

Andy’s friend Brian thought of a great name for Connecticut. We’re so shocked we never thought of it - Connecticunt. When I first met Nervous he told me two great names. Ofelia Cunt and Ivan Cutchacokoff.

During Andy’s trip back east, Nervous and I had a great talk. The best chats we’ve ever had and I fully believe he’ll come visit me someday when he’s got the money and time off from work. He’d come out to visit me long before he’d write a letter. I’ve gotten no letters from anyone. Not my nieces, Tammy, Kim, Bob, Fran or my folks.

I spoke to Fran and Bob, but I wonder if Tammy’s heard anything about Barbara and Debbie’s collect calls? Oh well. Neither of them has yet to get letters from me. I’d like to wait a while till they think I’m long gone out of their lives. Their letters, of course, will have no threats or anything sexual. They just won’t make much sense and will be very confusing.

I have the talks with Nervous and tons of stuff on tape which I gotta edit and edit down. Even Fay spoke to Nervous. First I must edit before I edit down. If you take a 20-minute conversation and the first 10 minutes are boring and erase it, you could be throwing away a few good edits, at least. This is why I edit, then edit down, omitting any boring parts.

MONDAY, AUGUST 10, 1992 A lot has happened in the last 10 days. Both good and not-so-good. I still feel so much happier than I ever have in eons, so that’s worth a lot to me.

Believe it or not, I am now babysitting an 11-month-old boy named Justin. So far he is very well-behaved. Totally the opposite of my niece Sarah who was always crying and fussy. Justin is quite calm and has not cried or broken anything. Right now he is drinking his bottle and I’ve got CDs playing.

Andy came over earlier and he’s gone to the store now to get a few things for both of us.

The food stamps are history and even though I know I’m eligible and by law, they can’t deny me, they have by jerking me around and playing with my head. I filled out a second application and they were supposed to call me with an appointment and they never did. Then, they went ahead and told me they’d send a phone appointment in the mail to do an interview over the phone. That was bullshit, too. If they were gonna give me food stamps they’d have given me them by now. Anything they say, I don’t buy, as they’ve lied to me only about 10 times. They say one thing and then another. They bullshit me by saying they misplaced my application and all kinds of things like that.

I had put ads up in the laundry rooms letting people know I was available for housekeeping and babysitting. Justin lives with his mother, Stacey, who doesn’t live here. Her sister Kara does, though, with her own 8-month-old daughter, Ashley, and their mother. I guess Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 2:00-8:00, I’ll be babysitting and possibly Saturdays, too. I could be making $130 a month and $160 if I babysit on a Saturday.

I’m hungry, so I wish Andy would hurry up and get here.

Last night I left an old letter from Bob on Mark’s door. I wonder if I’ll hear about that. Of course, I’ll be playing dumb and trying not to laugh if I do.

I have several other things to write about later about Rosemarie, Fay and Ellie.

Later…

Justin slept from 5:00-6:30. When he awoke he was crying and still is. So much for this being a peaceful kid. Stacey should be here in half an hour and boy, I can’t wait to hit the pool!

I’ve got to do Ellie’s laundry tonight and mine, too.

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this-is-me19 · 5 months

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This week in my head:

listening to the chorus of Matthew Nathanson’s Come on get higher on repeat.

Scared my sick child will be put in the hospital and intubated (that shit took nearly a week for me to recovery from too).

Scared my sick child will stop breathing—retraction is scary af?

This is the worse he has ever been sick, ever!

Make sure he takes his meds.

Hold his arms and make him take his three (3) medicines

Make sure he has a tablet when getting his breathing treatment every 3 hours so I don’t get grumped by his pediatrician again

Every. Three. Fucking. Hour.

Sleep?! What’s that?!

Hyperfocused on my six year old who hasn’t gone to school this week.

Realize your husband and you have barely connected because you’re hyper focused and he keeps having to do task initiation which gets on his nerves after a certain point.

Napping when kid naps so I can function

Keeps taking meds in the afternoon or at night when I should be taking it in the morning

I’m off my routine so bad!

Overwhelmed.

Scared.

Anxiety sucks ass.

I’m traumatizing myself and probably my child to force my kid to take his medicine

I don’t feel better knowing I have legal precedence here as parent to force meds on my children.

Scared I’m gonna get Human Metapnemovirus and it’s gonna cause a terrible asthma flare up like my six year old

Feel selfish I want him to go back to school so I can spend time with hubby during the day since we don’t get the opportunity much when kids are home.

Tired all the fucking time

Why tf didn’t big pharma make kid prednisone taste so awful?! The flavor doesn’t help at all! At all. I’ve added salt and sugar and added to soda, mixed with other flavored meds. No. Prednisone liquid is the most bitter things ever!

Why can’t my kid like any of the flavors?

My child is like me who could taste all the medicinal bitterness on their tongue and gag nearly every time.

I have two interviews this week and I don’t wanna go but need job

Interview tomorrow for Accounting Clerk

Interview Friday for Admin Asst

Two Dr appts tomorrow on top of interview— one for kid and one for me

Did I mention I have pulled a muscle or something by picking up things heavier than 10lbs? I stopped trying and the pain seems to have gone.

Trying to sit in this emotion and I got nothing.

How can I get burnt out taking care of my six year old?

Positive: I get to get back on adderall! I may be functional again and awake!

Have we had sex this week at all?

I just wanna cuddle with my husband and be petted

When was the last time I took a shower? My hair kind of crunchy and I don’t know why.

Has kiddo taken all of their meds? No, got two more doses to give him. 😭

My kid had sensory issues and he says he is scared of the medicine. Am I a bad parent? The doctor said it’s medicine, it won’t always taste good. Yeah, you get the autistic kid to take it without having to hold him down and force it into his mouth until he agrees to do so he drinks it.

I need to redye my hair but no energy

Can I just sleep for the next 12 hours?

#personal #rant #parenthood #TW trauma #TW force to take medicine #TW Emotional info dumping #TW parent forcing child to take medicine

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fluffy-critter · 1 year

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#crosspost #busybee

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phawareglobal · 1 year

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Uli Campbell - phaware® interview 415

In this episode, newly diagnosed pulmonary arterial hypertension patient, Uli Cambell, discuss her rollercoaster of emotions and how educating herself about PH has given her hope in navigating and advocating for her rare disease.

My name is Uli Campbell. I currently reside in Maricopa, Arizona. I am originally from Thailand. I moved to the United States when I was about five years old, and I am living with pulmonary arterial hypertension. So it was about October of 2021 and I was helping a friend move from Arizona to Tennessee that I first noticed my symptoms. I was having shortness of breath. I didn't realize that that was what was going on. I realized that I couldn't do anything physically that I was able to do previously, like a month ago. It came on really quickly, so I would just rest. I might have to rest, even take a little nap anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour. Sometimes I would just really have to just go to sleep and then reset and try again the following day. I'd feel a tightness in my chest area, and so I would just remove my bra and it would subside a little bit. As it's hot in Arizona, I would just take a cool shower and that would seem to alleviate some of my symptoms, but I was struggling for breath and not even knowing it. Just around October of 2021, I was driving and I fell asleep at the wheel. Woke up and I was in the other lane. I was able to come to. I swerved back. I was concerned. I got home, but I just thought I was just extremely tired as well as having very bad seasonal asthma allergies, which I've suffered from for many years. Then about December of 2021, I was dragged by my dog when he was chasing another dog. I fell while he was on a leash, cut my right leg. I was treating that just antibiotic and first aid care at home, and it kept swelling. That wasn't healing. Then my right leg was starting to get swollen and there was another little cut that I had that was swollen up and it was leaking fluid. I called for telehealth and the lady said, "No, honey, I can't treat you. You have to go to the urgent care." When they did my vitals and stuff, the doctor came in and said, "Just please put on your shoes and you need to go to the emergency immediately." When I was in the emergency room, they tested me for COVID. They just took my vitals. My blood pressure was about 195/177 when I got in there. They ran some tests and they told me that I had pulmonary hypertension. I had no clue what was going on. I stayed there where they just stabilized me. I started getting a little bit better. My blood pressure was going down, but I was on oxygen and doing breathing treatments. Then they said they're going to have to move me to the larger hospital in Mesa, Arizona, basically where they could do the right heart catheterization on me. That's where they confirmed that I had pulmonary arterial hypertension. After receiving my diagnosis I had pulmonary arterial hypertension, it just came together for me; my shortness of breath, my lack of energy, falling asleep at the wheel. After I was diagnosed, I still didn't have any idea what was going on with my body. It was explained that it's not curable and all that stuff did not mean anything to me as far as what the condition is, survival rate, how it's treated, et cetera, and so forth. I didn't understand anything until I just started researching on my own. I took that as I wasn't going to live very long. Part of how I learned about pulmonary arterial hypertension is through my cousin who's a nurse. She said, "You can survive this, but I'm sorry you have this." Because she actually works in the cardiology department, she was able to see me a little bit through this, and then I did a little research on the side when I was in the hospital. I'm still very confused at that time about it and about pathways of how this happens. I was concerned about drug toxins due to that. So one of the drugs that could have caused my pulmonary arterial hypertension, which hasn't been proven or anything like that, was that I used to take phentermine as a diet pill, and that is one of the substance that could lead to this. I've taken that about maybe 10, 12 years ago for a minute. They're now researching that this could have something to do with my PH because I don't have it through genetics or through other causes. But now research shows that that could be a link to pulmonary arterial hypertension. The last year has been a rollercoaster of emotions, a lot of depression and anxiety. So I checked into a wellness center because I just couldn't cope anymore. I have been getting better. Things have been looking up for me, and then I was diagnosed with this, so it just threw me back. It hit me really hard and I'm now in therapy. I'm going to say it's isolating for me because I have to do oxygen at night. My family, my two sons are about an hour to an hour and a half away from where I live. It's a three-hour round trip and I'm just not able to spur of the moment, "Yeah, I stay the night somewhere." I require my oxygen. I have rough days where I just isolate and I just completely shut down from the world just to protect myself. I'm very conscious of people coughing around me and being sick because I did catch COVID. I made it through that. A lot of things I'm just not able to do anymore, which has just caused a different drive in me. Now I feel like I want to be a voice for pulmonary arterial hypertension because I've learned a lot about it, but there's more to be learned by everybody in this community. This is my first year of fully having pulmonary hypertension, so it's new to me how cold and hot has affected me and what affects me more. I'm really actually a social butterfly, so this is off where I have always lived. I've always gone out shopping. I don't want to do any of that stuff anymore. I don't prefer crowds anymore because I don't want to catch anything. I'm so immune compromised right now. It is isolating. It's a very lonely disease. I feel better about my disorder as far as my chance of survival and how my life can be and live to the fullest with this disorder. So I'm trying to live my best life with that because I was really didn't think I would be here, that I would be alive when I was first diagnosed. It was just like, "Ah, you've got this. Sorry girl," blah, blah, blah. It's been challenging to just get my medications and stuff through insurance and all the requirements. But yes, I feel better about it. Educating myself about pulmonary hypertension has helped me in the fact that there is hope. I've spent a lot of time on the internet talking to other people that have pulmonary hypertension through social groups and forums. Or just really any articles about it. Getting all that knowledge and putting it to how it's going to help me. I feel much better about my prognosis than I did at the beginning. I mean, I didn't really think that I would be here. I'm my own advocate. I can't ask anyone else to do this for me. I have to advocate for myself. I've researched how I can deal with this and at the end of the day, every day I live like I'm doing everything I want to. I'm living like I'm dying each day and I just want to make sure that it's the most enjoyable day for myself, which could be selfish, but I don't believe it is. Got to take care of yourself. My name is Uli Campbell and I'm aware that I'm rare.

Learn more about pulmonary hypertension trials at www.phaware.global/clinicaltrials. Follow us on social @phaware Engage for a cure: www.phaware.global/donate #phaware Share your story: [email protected]

Listen and View more on the official phaware™ podcast site

#pulmonary hypertension #phaware #rare disease #lung disease #clinical trials #podcast #PH #asthma

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trektraveler · 2 years

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Breathe Free Part Two

Summary: You were perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, thank you very much! Dean knew that, he also knew better. He'd seen you sick plenty of times in the past five years, but this was different. This was much more than a cold, but you were so stubborn about doctors! Dean Winchester isn't about to let you slip away, even if it means going against your wishes. He only hopes he's not too late!

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader, Dean x Reader, Dean x You

Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Reader

Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Sickfic, Sick!Reader, Hospitals, Kissing, fluff

Word Count: 5873

One Shot - Two Parts

Author’s Notes: I have been sick with Covid for a month. Well... down sick for 2 1/2 weeks and recovering my stamina for 2 more. Its been a real bitch. Plus my disabled mother has it now. This is following a nervous breakdown I had in June. Writing has been my passion and my mental health balm, but I've not been able to produce anything in months. So this... this is a fucking triumph!! I'm still working on all my other WIP, so please stick around. I'll get there... eventually :) I'm hoping to finish part two shortly and post in a week... ish.

Thank you all for the continued support! Additional Notes: Still hanging in there, long covid is a bitch, but it does improve. More or less. I am SO happy with myself that I've finished a story! Even a little self-indulgent two parter. As always, thank you all! Your kind words and encouragement have really helped me. Love you guys :)

Masterlist (Part One)

“She doesn’t need you to sell your soul Dean! She just needs you. Be there, hold her hand, tell her it’s going to be okay. Let her know she isn’t alone.”

He was so wrapped up in his own worry that he didn’t notice your fingers shifting against his palm. Your eyelids fluttered, then went still. It was so slight, that Dean thought he’d imagined it.

He desperately searched your face and held his breath. God please…

“Y/N?”

A few seconds later you did it again, this time you gave his hand a proper squeeze and Dean felt like his heart was going to burst.

He squeezed back, his other hand coming up to brush your cheek, “Y/N… baby, can you hear me?”

“Hey! It’s okay! You’re in the hospital, Sweetheart. Just stay calm. We’ll get that tube out, let me go get the nurse.”

“Okay, okay. Shh…” he sat beside you and pressed a kiss to your forehead while his free hand hit the call button. “I’ve got you; I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere.”

When Sam saw his brother in the hallway, he quickened his pace. He was leaning against the wall, bent at the waist with his hands braced on his knees.

“Dean? What happened? What’s going on?”

Dean raised his head, sniffling back emotion, “She’s awake. They’re... ah… they’re taking out that tube.”

Sam caught the glossy sheen in Dean’s eyes. He clapped a hand on his shoulder, “That’s fantastic. Dean, that’s great.”

Dean nodded and pulled Sam into a brief, tight hug then released him and took a coffee.

“Good thing you talked me out of selling my soul, huh?’

“Flowers.”

Your voice was a raspy whisper behind the mask, but it still made Dean beam brightly.

“Hell yeah, Sammy and I bought out every white flower they had.” He set the massive vase down on the table. “They’re your favorite, right?”

Sam pulled out a stuffed a huge, stuffed moose from behind his back. It was impossibly soft with floppy antlers and was wearing one of his flannel shirts tied in place with a white velvet bow.

You laughed, “Aww! A… Win..chester of… my own.”

“You’ve already got two Winchesters,” he said, kissing the top of your head. “Add him to your collection.”

Your eyes were drooping, even after just a few minutes your energy was completely depleted. You let your head fall back against the pillow with a tired smile, “Thank you… Sammy.”

“We should get out of here, let you sleep,” he replied, catching his brother’s attention.

“Yeah,” Dean gave a reluctant nod. “If you’re lucky, we’ll smuggle in one of those triple thick strawberry-kiwi shakes you like.”

You grabbed hold of his hand again and tugged. It was so much effort to talk, you hope he got the message.

Dean wiped away the single tear that slid down your cheek. “Hey, hey. What’s wrong, Sweetheart?”

“I… I’m… s… sorry.”

He soothed back your hair, “Sorry for what?”

“Should have… gone… to… th… the doctor.”

“No, hey, don’t worry about any of that.”

“Scared… you.”

Dean cupped your face with his large palm, “Listen to me. I don’t want you to think about any of that stuff, okay? It doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is you getting better. That’s all I care about.”

You nodded; your eyes shuttered to half-mast. “Tired.”

He let out a chuckle and ran a hand over his five o’clock shadow, “I’ll bet you are.”

You shook your head and pointed at him. When he tilted his head in confusion, you patted the mattress beside you.

It was okay, it really was.

“Give him some time, Y/N. He’ll come around. You know how he gets.”

When you were in the kitchen a few days later making one of Sam’s health smoothies, the last thing you expected was to hear Dean’s voice.

“Tell me you’re not gonna drink that.”

You smiled but didn’t turn. “Of course not. I haven’t added the spirulina or wheat germ yet.”

You heard him mutter something about pond scum under his breath while he rummaged through the fridge.

“I’ve got enough for two,” you teased. “Should I get you a glass?”

“Too bad your stay in the VIP suite didn’t improve your sense of humor, smartass.”

So, you laughed.

His expression went from sexy and grumpy to utterly baffled. “Why are you laughing?”

You shook your head with a goofy grin and answered honestly, “I’m just happy to see you.”

He cautiously smiled back, “Yeah?’

“Yeah.”

“Huh. Well in that case, you wanna get out of here? I was thinking of going for a drive.”

Your heart felt light, “I’ll get my coat.”

“Hey, you wanna get out and walk for a bit?” You asked, pointing out one of your favorite state parks ahead.

“Sure. You bring your scarf?”

“Obviously,” you replied, pulling out the length of soft, white fabric from your bag.

“I’m not going to keel over, you know.”

Dean shoved his hands into the pockets of his black jacket. “You need to be careful in the cold air, it’s no good for you.”

“True, but walking is very good for me. It helps build stamina.”

He didn’t reply to that and the two of you walked along in silence until you really couldn’t take it anymore.

“Almost dying does that.”

There was venom in his voice, but the fear was too. Evidently, he hadn’t worked through it as much as you’d hoped.

“Is that why you’re kicking me out? Because I almost died?”

Dean stopped and turned to you, but he kept his eyes downcast. “Y/N…”

“Its really not fair. You’ve almost died several times and I still keep you around.” You tried to keep your tone light, but it was difficult with the tears threatening.

“It’s not funny,” his eyes were getting red as he recalled the terrifying night he carried you into the E.R. “You stopped breathing. Your fucking heart stopped!”

You brought your hand up to cup Dean’s cheek, “I’m so sorry.”

He closed his eyes briefly, letting the warmth of your touch comfort him. “Why didn’t you tell me? All this time… a fucking two year long pandemic… Covid is a respiratory virus! What if…”

You hurt him. Far more than you’d realized. And you hated yourself for it. This was going to take much more than a simple reassurance to work through.

“Can we sit?”

He led you to a park bench, “We should head back to the car, it’s too cold for you.”

“Like Doc Holliday.”

Then: “Nice place,” Dean said, scanning the neatly maintained garden beds and brick walkways.

“Yeah, it is. Remember, this is just a quick stop so I can pick up some stuff. Don’t do what you normally do.”

“What are you talking about?”

You ran a nervous hand through your hair and straightened your denim jacket, “That charming rogue routine you do whenever there’s a woman in front of you.”

His grin turned cocky, “Sweetheart, that’s just me. Can’t help it if the ladies love it.”

You brushed a piece of lint off his shoulder with an impatient huff, “Rein it in, cowboy.”

“Baby girl!”

“Hi Momma,” you managed to say while she squeezed you tight.

Your mother drew back and quickly scrutinized your appearance, “You taking care of yourself? Regular appointments? Feeling good?”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

That radiant smile was back, “Good girl! And this tall drink of water must be that friend you told me about.”

“Yes, this is Dean Winchester. Dean, this is my mom, Beverly.”

True to form, he turned up the charm to eleven. “No way I’m gonna believe you are Y/N’s mother, you must be her sister.”

“I love pie!” Dean gave you an infuriating grin over your mother’s head as the two of them sailed into the house together.

“Okay, I’m going to head up and grab those boxes.”

“Lift with your legs, Baby girl.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” you replied, disappearing through the sliding glass door.

Bev’s jovial mood turned serious as soon as her daughter was out of earshot. “Okay, Winchester, shoot me straight. How is my daughter?”

Dean blinked in surprise, “I’m sorry?”

The corner of Bev’s mouth quirked, “It runs in the family.”

“I can see that.”

She leaned back in her chair and studied him, “You seem like a decent man, the sort who keeps his word. That being the case, I have a favor to ask. Keep an eye on my girl for me.”

“Already done,” was his quick reply.

Dean leaned forward, elbows on knees, “You’ve got my word, Bev. I’ll never let her fall.”

Now: “I like your mom,” Dean looked down at his boots. “She made me promise to look after you.”

“You never told me that.”

“I got the impression she didn’t want me to. Thought maybe she had a mother’s intuition about you getting into the hunting business. Guess she was talking about something else.”

You let your gaze drift over to the lake in the distance, half thawed already. It would be an early spring this year. A sign of hope for the future.

“How’d that go over?”

“I hadn’t yet mastered the art of covering my tracks. Plus, she was dating the sheriff. I was back home twenty-four hours later.”

Dean snorted, “Amateur.”

“Your mom is awesome, I’m glad she supports you…. You’re lucky, Y/N.��

“Y/N…”

You knew what he wanted to say, you could feel it. You could see it in his eyes whenever he dared to look at you. The sorrow. All you wanted to do was save him from it. From himself.

“It’s amazing how much we still don’t know about how the human body works,” you blurted out, making him blink in confusion.

“What?”

You could see the realization slowly register in his beautiful eyes. If you heard your mother, you must have heard him.

Dean brought your favorite blanket and tucked it around you, careful of the machines and wires. “There you go, Sweetheart. Just like home.”

He might have been able to fool himself for a while if it weren’t for that breathing tube.

“Actually, that’s a lie... this place is nothing like home. Home has all the amenities, right? I’ll bet this state-of-the-art medical facility doesn’t even have a firing range. Or a dungeon!”

He chuckled a little at his Big Lebowski reference, disheartened when the only response was the hiss of the ventilator.

He reached over and gently combed his fingers through your hair. Your skin was cool to the touch since your fever broke in the night. That had to be a good sign, right?

Now: He tried to speak, but you moved your fingers to his lips to stop him. Tears shimmered in your eyes, but you managed a wavering smile.

“I love you too.”

It was everything you’d ever dreamt his kiss could be, and it ended far too quickly.

“Don’t send me away. Please don’t send me away.”

“I’ve been living there for five years without an issue,” you pointed out.

“Yeah, with a humidifier and inhalers. But it’s different now, that round of pneumonia damaged your lungs. You need to be someplace where its easier to breathe, not harder.”

“You’re right. Which is why Sam and I have been designing a new HVAC system.”

That stopped him, “Really? Why didn’t you guys tell me?”

“Because you went all emo and hid in your room for a month.”

“I’m not emo! What kind of HVAC system?”

“A kick ass one,” you grinned so that your tongue peeked out between your teeth. “Any other concerns?”

“What about hunting?” he challenged.

“I’m sorry.”

“You deserve the best, and that’s not me.”

“That’s not for you to say.”

“Doesn’t matter, it’s my choice.”

There was a change in his gaze, subtle but there all the same. He shook his head with a chuckle. He knew when he was beat, and he was grateful for it.

“Your cheeks turn the prettiest shade of pink when you get all worked up, you know that?”

“My cheeks are pink because it’s freezing out here!”

Dean ripped his coat off and wrapped it over yours, “Damn it, Y/N! I knew you were cold!”

“Well, if you were any kind of a boyfriend, you’d take my back to the car and warm me up properly!”

He was pulling the hood up over your head when he paused, “Boyfriend, huh?”

“Yeah, the kind that warms his girl up in the backseat,” you grinned and playfully rubbed your nose against his.

He growled in your ear and stood, sweeping you up in his arms and making you yelp in delight.

“Dean! I can still walk, you know!”

“Save your energy, Sweetheart, you’re gonna need it. Tonight, we’re gonna fog up all the windows!”

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