#but the 49ers have people who interest me too

[cementcornfield]

football is mad entertaining when the teams HATE each other oh my lord

[should-be-sleeping]

Today an official officer of the court showed up while I was with our neighbor and served her formal eviction papers. She could barely move at the time and had to summon the last of her strength to get out of her chair and move to the door so that the man could explain the process.

Even knowing I was not legally able to accept on her behalf (he asked if I was her daughter and as much as I would've liked to say yes, for her, I know legally I couldn't), he still spent most of the time talking to me, as she was in too much pain to understand the legal mumbo jumbo.

She has five days to contest the action (but no answer about what comes after that)? Which I've encouraged her to do. The reason listed for eviction is owed rent and she has money orders and witnesses who've seen her try to pay what she owed from when she was hospitalized. As well as documentation of being hospitalized, like I mentioned previously. So it's not just like she's been negligent.

I wish she'd let me help her deal with management here... but every time I tried she assured me another friend of hers was helping her with that and she didn't want to confuse it getting more people involved or waste anyone's time being redundant. This is why you should always be redundant anyway, I guess.

I had her immediately reach out to the other person who had been helping her navigate the social security process and then I helped her find and take her anxiety medication because she was really spiraling and I don't blame her. I used some post-its to clearly mark the forms she needs to fill out and submit before Friday and then I tried to just

Exist with her.

Get her mind off of it for a bit. It's freaking Sunday. Can't do anything until Monday anyway. I assured her that contesting was in her best interest, despite the hassle. I know the court can wave the fee to submit documents if you're below the poverty line (she is) and supply legal council. The hard part will be having to do all of that. Which is what these corporations that own all of our houses are counting on: you giving up without a fight.

It's barely even about her rent, it's more about her lease. If she's gone, they can bump rent for the next tenant to the "market rate" which is like an obscene amount more than what she currently pays. Or what they could raise it by when she renews her lease. Corporations should not be able to purchase residential property. You'll never change my mind on this.

She kept apologizing for how freaked out a strange man pounding on her door had made her, and for how upset she was now. I told her it was okay. It's understandable. I told her I was glad I was there to make her feel a little safer, I mean, what would've happened if he walked up on her while she was semi lucid, sitting outside alone? I just.

I sat with her until she started to relax a little. She told me some stories about her youthful misadventures, namely the worst flight she's ever been on (tiny jet during a violent thunderstorm, basically felt like riding a bike over speed bumps the entire time only you know, thousands of feet in the sky), and about how she used to decorate her whole place whenever the 49ers played. Inside and out.

She wanted so badly to watch today's game but without internet she had no way to do that. So, I used my phone as a hotspot and helped her re-download yahoo sports so she could at least follow the scores and highlights in real time. The amount of joy this brought her meant everything to me.

Speaking of apps. The other day she wore a beautiful dress and had me take her "last photo." I took dozens, really let her feel seen and beautiful, so she could pick her favorites.She told me she was bisexual and was worried I'd judge but she just wanted someone (still alive) to know. I told her about how I took a girl to prom. She wanted to put the photos on Instagram but couldn't without internet to re-download the app. So tonight I did that for her too. Next week we worry about eviction, for now we help in other ways.

I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I hope it at the very least contains a few small acts of kindness.

Tough day today... and friendly reminder that being human is easier when we help each other.

I saw one of our neighbors, an older woman we sometimes talk to in passing, sitting outside of her house. I don't know what exactly made me look twice, but on second glance as we drove by I realized her walker was in the grass. She was otherwise just sitting there, like she had a thousand times before, so it would have been easy to assume she was fine and go on with my life as normal but something told me to go check in on her anyway.

She was not fine. She was the polar opposite of fine. Just diagnosed with terminal cancer not fine. No next of kin not fine. A veteran facing eviction from her house for missing rent while in the hospital not fine. In constant debilitating pain not fine. Only semi-lucid not fine. She was extremely alone not fine.

I thought, at most, she might be bored while unable to pick up her walker not fine. A five minute detour from my day not fine. A help her back into her house and say "see you later!" not fine. Instead I spent the last three hours with her because she was so scared and alone and no one should be alone.

We talked a lot while I was there. She's actually two years younger than my mom (who also has cancer but slightly better luck, I guess). I helped her into her house and got her a drink and we talked about what all is going on with her. None of it was good. I was as reassuring as I could be, but there's only so much of this I can actually help her with.

"Why did you come?" she asked through tears.

"Because you looked like you might need some help."

She called me an angel. I told her I was just doing my best. I told her that kindness should never be rare. That we should all try to make the world just a little bit better than it was.

She offered to pay me but I told her I was just there as a friend. Before today we were basically strangers. No need to repay me with anything other than her company, I assured her. She cried, a lot. I managed not to somehow. Something tells me she had needed to cry long before this but in being Strong she never had the chance to.

She needed to get her mail, which is a long walk when you're disabled because it is not at all handicap accessible (across a parking lot, over a bridge, across a small field). So I helped her get her mail. We stopped every three feet because her pain was so bad, but she was determined to be able to go do this with me and not just send me on an errand. I patiently stayed with her and reminded her, through her apologies, it was fine to take our time: there was a nice breeze and birds were singing. She appreciated this. She loves nature.

Halfway back she said she wanted to go to the pool. To put her feet in the water. She loves water, and has not been able to even see the pool in a month. Neither of us were dressed for swimming, but I took her to the pool anyway. There is a stair leading down to it, meaning she couldn't bring her walker, so I offered her my arm.

We went to the pool. She put her feet in the water and then, with more energy and enthusiasm than I'd seen the whole time, she jumped in. In her fancy dress! She was instantly ten years younger at least, clear and happy, floating in the sun. Dress and all. She grew up with a pool and had been on a swim team.

I sat by the edge of the pool while she swam, keeping her company and also making sure she was okay. When she got tired I took her back home and then had to help her get undressed and redressed. I made sure she felt no shame. Getting out of wet clothes is hard for anyone, let alone someone with like twenty pounds of tumors racking them with constant pain.

She was so fucking happy to have gone swimming.

She is trying to "make everything right" before she goes. Trying to repay her debt to society and her debts in general. She couldn't understand why the corporation that owns our houses wouldn't take her money. She was genuinely distressed -- not to be homeless on her deathbed but to not leave this world with a clean slate. I told her intent matters. She can only do her best.

This company not letting her repay her debt was their fault, not hers.

When I finally needed to go, I told her to let me know any time she needed a hand or just wanted company. She told me she was going to die tonight. I told her I hoped not, so I could see her tomorrow. I offered her a hug, we hugged and she sobbed for a solid ten minutes into my shoulder. I told her she was okay. That it was okay.

When I got home I cried myself, because I could not believe she was going through all of that alone. I cannot even imagine how isolated she must have felt. Once I pulled myself back together I sent her a text reminding her to reach out any time and I'd do my best to come over. Like, any time at all.

I hope she is here tomorrow.

[scrollofthoth]

Go Team Thoth! Ancient Egyptian Religion Explained by Threskiornis

Analogies – some people love them. Others hate them. Bad analogies are the shit-bricks by which memes are built. This is a good one I swear. At least good at explaining the situation. But horrible for me due to my own sensibilities.

These things are complicated. Just look at the people I admire and despise. Hunter S. Thompson loved guns and loved sports. I still consider him a literary hero. On the other hand, I despise Winston Churchill. His only saving grace is that he was just slightly to the left of being a fascist, which made him a good tool for fighting them, and his total lack of shits to give towards anything related to sports.

“No sports.”

With great loathing I release this analogy on the world because, because… it just works too damn well at explaining the situation. That situation being Ancient Egyptian religion. That analogy being modern professional sports teams.

Every town in in Egypt had its own God-Team. People love their local God-Team. They root for their local God-Team. When out in the fields or hauling big ass rocks for the Pharaoh, you can bet they were talking about whose God-Team was the best. Who was the most powerful God-Team. Whose God-Team threw the best parties.

Like I said, I’m not a fan of sports. I have other interests. But I get it. I understand these things represent a hell of lot more than your local sports-entertainment corporation. They are a reason to get together. A reason to build community. I can get behind that.

Mind you, even though you have your own hometown God-Team, doesn’t mean they are your favorite God-Team. Sometimes, people just jive with some other God-Team. They like their style. They like the things they represent. Maybe they just like the other God-Team’s mascot or their cheerleaders (priesthood.) But when the big game comes, the festival, they’re out there waving flags and swilling beer like everyone else in town. You think you can chug down copious amounts of piss-yellow domestic lager during the game? The Egyptians have you beat. I guarantee it. They loved their beer. Gods bless them for it.

Every story in Egyptian mythology has a perspective. A lot of that perspective depends on where it comes from. A myth in your hometown will prominently feature your God-Team. Showing everyone they’re the best. While a myth from another town may not mention your God-Team at all. The dirty bastards.

People especially love the home God-Team when they are winning. How do you know when your God-Team is winning? When the Pharoah takes a special interest in your God-Team and treats its temples and priests with favor. Then you can get really popular. Horus, Osiris, Isis – they were the New York Yankees, San Francisco 49ers, and Manchester United of their time.

So, root-root-root for your God-Team. If the Pharoah doesn’t bless them, that’s a shame.

[cyborg00-why]

Random yet specific headcanons

Alright, I’ve been working on a rancher fic and wanted to share a few of my favorite headcanons for these three. 

Jet Link

- Considering his time of abduction and how often he’s gone off to be a ranch hand/play cowboy there is a very high chance he’s a Spaghetti Western fan. His ideas and romanticism of the west based almost solely on what he’d seen on film, by extension his bravado and man’s man personality being heavily influenced from such films. Something that both mirrored his gang life on the streets while still being a mental escape. The lone cowboy out to right wrongs on his own terms something he’d see in himself.

- This of course would bleed into an odd fascination/respect for Geronimo Jr. as he’d likely be the only Indigenous person he’d ever met (that he was aware of at least). The personification of the “last of a dying breed” trope you see often in such films, something he likely project onto Jr. Especially considering that being from New York he’d known of Mohawk Steelworkers but wouldn’t have known any personally. 

- Serial pawn shop shopper. He knows they don’t make knives or lighters like they use to and he’s got a small collection going.

- Apart from his established knife fighting skills, he’d whittle in his free time. 

-Great at darts.

- He’d be a great houseguest, very considerate and takes direction as well as he can. Doesn’t want to be deadweight on the ranch, and have a stern ‘earn his keep’ sort of vibe. 

-Despite having a high interest in learning the ropes he’d still struggle. His time on the ranch would positively impact his ‘square peg being forced into a round hole’ mentality. 

- Plays a mean game of checkers.

- Maybe too embarrassed to say it, but really respects Jr.’s self sufficiency and wants to take after him in some ways. Is really touched when Geronimo teaches him something. At the same time can be especially hurt when there are traditional lessons Jr. won’t share. 

-Sure he can play the guitar but he’s also been teaching himself the harmonica. He’s also good at playing both the spoons and a blade of grass but he’ll never admit to either. 

-Can do that really cool two finger whistle thing. 

- Long story but he knows from first hand experience that chickens float in water. Pyunma isn’t impressed and Jr. thinks it’s cute he likes chickens. 

- You know at some point in time Jet would do rodeo shows and live out the whole cliche bonding with a horse who can’t be broken bologna while Geronimo worked the event as an MC.

Geronimo Jr.

Which brings me to Jr.

- You know, and I mean KNOW he’s worked the Arizona circuit like no ones business. Despite the team thinking of him as stoic and saying little everyone in town knows him as their favorite MC. He’s done everything from powwows, estate sales, property auctions, all the way to rodeos. 

-Those on the moccasin telegraph rumor he was a guest at G.O.N. in New Mexico one year. 

- Would absolutely have an old 1988 red, sun bleached Toyota Tacoma that had seen better days but still runs. Of course the suspension is shot and leans heavily on the drivers side. The glove compartment is full of old tapes, and he’d have at least one mix tape with classic 49ers in there too. 

- When he’s working as an auctioneer he goes Full Boomhauer

- Aunties love him. He’s always given an extra helping at food stalls and everyone is vying for him to say their fry bread is best, even though we all know his grandmothers was #1.

-Would be in the loop on all the local chisme.

-He can’t shop at normal stores for clothes, instead making annual custom orders through Wrangler and Dickies. 

-He is why Wrangler revoked their lifetime guarantee. Too many blown out shoulder seams.

-He’s excellent at traditional methodologies and takes a lot of pride in keeping traditions alive. He’d be a great beader and leatherworker, his mitts being extremely sought after in the community with order requests coming in year round. Word is he’ll sometimes make a trade if you can do quillwork. 

-Prior to the bootleg boom his family would have been respected artisans, collectors and locals alike still hold onto their older jewelry, and at a few estate sales he’d seen his dads old silver stamping tools still in circulation. Sometimes he get’s letters in the mail from a collector in another state asking to verify the family stamp.

-He’s got a lifetime ban from one diner in Albuquerque for smashing a jukebox that was playing The Ballad of Ira Hayes. 

-Standardized cooking measurements do not exist in his house, everything is old school cooking in relation to yourself. A handful of this, a pinch of that. 

- He has his grandmothers taste in home decor. 70′s shag rugs, wood laminate, acrylic yarn doilies, and a mug collection that at it’s best could be described as kitschy.  

-While he is incredibly thankful that after being abducted he’d gotten to keep his hair, there was also the struggle to maintain like he had before. Enhanced hulking muscles meant he isn’t as flexible as he use to be, and he is unable to braid it. So he kept it short on the dolphin, and even on breaks back home he’d grow it out in a bun tucked under his hat.  

On one of the many trips where Pyunma would stay with him, he’d catch Jr. early one morning struggling to braid it. Instead offering to do so himself. This became a routine whenever Pyunma stayed over, and as far as he knew the only person Jr. will let touch his hair. Pyunma would also take a lot of pride in his handiwork, especially whenever he’d catch Jr. admiring his own reflection.

Pyunma

- He’d always wanted to visit Jr.’s ranch but maybe felt a bit awkward to ask, unsure if he’d even want the company.

- He’d immensely enjoy the monotony of ranch life, the predictability of long structured workdays giving him a chance to mentally tune out while keeping busy. A sort of stress relief from the unpredictability of his previous life back home.

- One of the only people Jr. would share teachings with because he understood that weight and responsibility that comes with it. 

- Would be really into plant identification and drying them for storage. Would have a whole notebook full of illustrations and field notes based on what Jr. shared. Maybe even get into salve making on the side. 

-Always carries a canteen to water the plants he harvests from, even when Jr. isn’t watching.

- Loves, loves, loves telling Jet believable lies about ranch stuff. Think lying about a weed being a cure all for muscle soreness, only to have Jr. ask where the hell he’d heard that from. 

- Big fan of cinnamon instant oatmeal, Jr. is sure to stock up when he knows Pyunma is coming by.

- Of all the hand crafts Jr. had shared with him, Pyunma’s favorite would be dressing feathers. He’s got a near cult following in the fancy dance community for his bustle work. 

- Very good at removing the stickers from nopales, often times double and triple checking Jr.’s handiwork before they make breakfast.

- Not afraid of rattlesnakes, but respects them deeply. Firm believer in the old rope trick. 

- Can haggle with the best of them at vendor stalls, he knows a tourist price when he hears one. 

- Enjoys listening to old radio dramas while laying in the back of Jr.’s truck at night. Eventually getting all three of them to make it a part of the weekly routine. They sit outside and start a fire, and make dinner before tuning in. They eat in silence, and when it get’s cold they all share a big wool pendleton. 

[curlytemple]

niche interests list 

okay sure yes this is fun! i havent posted a thing like this in such a long time. thank you new gal pal @scottspack for tagging me! 

pigs????

alright first lets throw it back to preschool! my fav childhood toys were my baby doll (snookums) and a plush pig that my grandma got me that i just called ‘pig’ ...i watched the babe movies countless times, and piglet? that anxious little guy GETS ME bro. when my preschool did a nativity play and my class got to choose an animal to be in baby jesus’ manger, my mother recalls me saying that i would be a pig because jewish people (jesus christ) wouldnt eat me. she has no idea how or when i learned about kosher foods. ironically despite my namesake i was too afraid of the movie charlotte’s web to watch it more than once because the scary farmer tries to kill wilbur for being small and the pretty spider dies. 

sugar creek gang 

OKAY this is a book series from the 40s-70s about a group of christian little boys in indiana who went on adventures in the woods and helped people. my dad read a LOT of chapter books to me as bedtime stories when i was little (see also the mandie series, nancy drew and the hardy boys, little house on the prairie) but sugar creek gang is one that really hit. i read all 36 books with dad and at least once again on my own. there was a series of 4 or 5 movies in the early 2000s when i was the Perfect age to have a crush on most if not all of them. this might be too much detail but i have to tell you about these boys. we WILL not be revisiting the heavy religious themes. 

 the narrator is bill who is Good and Kind and wants to be a doctor when he grows up. his best friend is a chubby boy nicknamed poetry because he memorizes and quotes poems, he is the Detective of the group. BIG JIM is the leader of the group who is supposed to be like, 14, which was very cool and hot, to me. and yes there is a little jim, who is the baby of the group. then there is CIRCUS who is known for his climbing and acrobatics, and his FIVE SISTERS AND BEAUTIFUL SINGING VOICE. dreamboy. i’m almost done listing boys, i promise. a boy called dragonfly who is allergic to everything and hella superstitious. later in the series a new boy named tom moves to town and tom has an older brother bob who is NOT A CHRISTIAN (bully) 

tangentially, the buttercream gang, a movie from 1992 that was almost definitely made by some christians who grew up reading the sugar creek gang series which i’m guessing on vibes alone. will spare you Good Boy details but scott is in love with his best friend pete who moves to chicago and falls in with a bad crowd and scott just refuses to stop LOVING HIM. very gay christian film in retrospect. 

peter pan

so i know liking disney’s peter pan isnt niche, but it was the way i liked it. tinker bell stan from day one, i watched all of those disney fairies movies, even the ones that came out after i was definitely not intended audience. there was an online pixie hollow game where you could design your own fairies and play mini games where you gathered dew drops or something. had a HUGE CRUSH on jeremy sumpter in peter pan (2003) then i got really darkly obsessed with the idea of growing up when i was 12 or 13, and everything peter pan was deeply My Shit for my entire adolescence. i read the original book and every other twisted version of the story i could find and seriously freaked myself out about wasting my youth. 

shug

you’ve probably heard of jenny han now, or at least the netflix adaptations for to all the boys i’ve loved before and the sequel ps i still love you (always and forever, lara jean, coming soon?) but before she wrote THOSE, she wrote my first ever Favorite Book, about annemarie “shug” wilcox, a girl in the summer before starting middle school. it is SO engraved on my heart i cannot explain. i felt so incredibly understood and cant even tell you how many times i read it. thinking about all of the ways it made me feel SEEN is actually making me very tender so i’m gonna go on.  

the summer series

on the subject of jenny han, since she was now my Favorite author, when she came out with the summer i turned pretty in 2009, i was ALL IN. it’s not summer without you, and we’ll always have summer were published the next two years. a coming of age series about a girl isabel “belly” conklin who stays at her mother’s best friend's house at the beach in the summers. i really could talk about it forever yall. i actually dont know how to be succinct about it. i will try. her mom’s friend has TWO BOYS. one brother, jeremiah, is the golden boy and her best friend who is in love with her! the older one CONRAD is her childhood crush who's just sort of around while belly is firmly getting over her childish feelings and going out and experiencing teen beach life with jeremiah for the first time and figuring out who she is and wants to be! by the end of the summer he admits he feels differently about her (hence belly internalizing this as The Summer I Turned Pretty) and they get together. this is already too much so i will just say that the next two books deal with a PROFOUND LOSS and the selfishness of grief and the SELFLESSNESS OF CONRAD and i will absolutely lose my shit if netflix picks it up for a second jenny han series adaptation. 

pappyland

this was a kids show in the 90′s that features a character named Pappy Drew-It, an artist dressed like a 49er who lives in a magic cabin in pappyland. there’s tons of characters and music and life lessons but the meat of every episode is a detailed drawing how-to (pappy is actually a cartoonist, michael cariglio) and i have a hard back cover sketch book from my grandpa that i FILLED with drawings that pappy and DOODLEBUG taught me to do. there is a running gag that pappy always breaks his crayons.  

boy meets world

i KNOW this is beloved by many but i’m counting it because i’m simply too young to have such an obsession with it! the show ran from 1992-2000. i was born in 1996, but reruns on the disney channel and abc family cemented it as one of my favorite shows. cory and shawn, closer than brothers, shameless homoromantics, shawn is cory’s first wife!!!!! truly showed me what a best friend can and should be!!!!!! the great love of your life!!!!! TOPANGA, the og weird feminist girl who said stop shaving your legs and start speaking your mind, ladies! the characters are so richly developed that they are real people to my heart. YES every character on this show is in their late 30s-early 40s and YES i feel like we grew up together. in season one they’re in the 6th grade and we follow them all the way to COLLEGE. countless poignant life lessons, often literally dictated by the wise and hilarious MR. FEENY, cory’s next door neighbor and somehow one of his teachers for YEARS. my love was only solidified by the 2014 girl meets world reboot, centered on cory and topanga’s daughter and her best friend. (which was literally cancelled because disney didn’t want to transition from a kids show to a teen show, something essential to the original. also because that teen show would have had CANON LESBIANS. extremely shameful move in 2017!) boy meets world lives rent free in my heart and i will never evict it!!!!!!!

i consulted my mother when i got stumped for more and she reminded me that i had obsessions with the impressionist art period and babies and ANYTHING fairies or pixies, and i was way too young when my love of the canadian teen after school special degrassi began. she also said bob ross, which i was hesitant to include because he’s been super ~trendy in recent years, but to be fair (To Be Faaairrr) she’s right! i don’t think people really watched the joy of painting as much as i have throughout my life. best sick day show of all time.

lastly i could honestly list anna herself as a niche interest, my mom actually metioned that ive always hyperfixated on my girl friends (gay) but i’ll just note that YES friday night lights, YES barry lyga novels. love to share so many things with you, niche or not, they’re niche in Our Mind.

[argylemnwrites]

Are You Ready For Some Football?

As some of you may be aware, the most wonderful day of the year is just around the corner. I am talking, of course, about Superbowl Sunday. As both a die-hard football fan and an American consumer who buys way too much stuff, this day is about as close as I get to a religious experience.

This year, I thought it might be fun to have a little Fanfic Fest in honor of the Big Game. The only two criteria for participating are:

You include at least one Choices character

The story contains American football and/or a Superbowl party

Otherwise, any length of fic and any Choices story is fine! You can use the teams participating this year, teams who have played in the Big Game previously, teams you wish were in the Superbowl, or keep it vague and not name any specific teams. NSFW content is okay, but please tag accordingly.

Maybe one of your Choices characters is a superfan of either the Chiefs or the 49ers. Maybe they are a superfan of another team in the NFC or AFC West and are just rooting to watch their rival suffer. Maybe they know nothing about football but make mean hot wings and want to throw a party anyway. Maybe they are just a little homesick for an American tradition while living in Cordonia. Or maybe they don’t get the hype, but are there for the commercials and half time show. Whatever strikes your fancy, I would love to hear it, and I bet there are other people who would as well.

So, if you are interested in participating, time to start writing! The event will run February 1st and 2nd (Superbowl Weekend). I will compile the masterlist sometime on Sunday after the game ends. Please tag me (@argylemnwrites) and use the tag “Choices Big Game Blitz” because I’m pretty sure the NFL lawyers just know if someone in the United States officially uses the word “Superbowl” to title something without paying for the rights.

If you are planning on participating, feel free to let me know ahead, but just submitting you fic is totally fine, too. At this point, I’m just planning on running this from my Tumblr since I don’t anticipate massive participation, but if it’s getting out of hand, I might create a side handle for this event.

Tagging a few people I know/heard are football fans, but everyone is welcome to join in the fun: @burnsoslow @loveellamae @dcbbw @stopforamoment @walkerswhiskeygirl​ @janezillow

[marrysue]

“Besides the three Triads, there is another important three-times-three grouping of the types, the Hornevian Groups, which we named in honor of Karen Horney, a psychiatrist who developed Freud’s work by identifying three fundamental ways in which people attempt to solve inner conflicts. We could also say that the Hornevian Groups indicate the “social style” of each type: there is an assertive style, a withdrawn style, and a compliant (to the superego, that is, “dutiful”) style. All nine types fall into these three major styles. 

Each of the Hornevian Groups has an intrinsic sense of self in relation to other people. Recognizing and understanding the untruth of this “sense of self” can be extremely valuable for seeing through some of the major features of our ego. 

The assertives (Horney’s “moving against people”) include the Threes, Sevens, and Eights. The assertive types are ego-oriented and ego-expansive. They respond to stress or difficulty by building up, reinforcing, or inflating their ego. They expand their ego in the face of difficulty rather than back down, withdraw, or seek protection from others. All three of these types have issues with processing their feelings. 

A simple example will make this clear: if you were to walk into a room full of people, you would automatically experience yourself in a certain way. If you are in the assertive group, your first automatic response would be, “I am the center. I am what is important here. Now that I am here, something is going to happen.” Assertives automatically feel that everything meaningful happening is in relation to them. 

Sevens and Eights naturally feel this way. Sevens come into a room and subconsciously think, “Here I am, everybody! Things are going to be more lively now!” Eights subconsciously think, “Okay, I’m here. Deal with me.” These types “take over” the space and expect others to react to them. Threes, however, do not easily or naturally feel like the center because, as we have seen, they are covertly dependent on the attention of others to feel valuable. As much as possible, Threes will find subtle ways to get positive regard from others so they will feel like the center, as if to say, “Look at what I have achieved. Look at me and affirm my value.” 

The compliants (Homey’s “moving toward people”) include types One, Two, and Six. These three types share a need to be of service to other people. They are the advocates, crusaders, public servants, and committed workers. All three respond to difficulty and stress by consulting with their superego to find out what is the right thing to do, asking themselves, “How can I meet the demands of what others expect of me? How can I be a responsible person?” 

It is important to understand that the compliant types are not necessarily compliant to other people; they are, however, highly compliant to the demands of their superegos. These three types try to obey the internalized rules, principles, and dictates that they have learned from childhood. As a result, they often become authority figures themselves—especially Sixes and Ones. (Twos can sometimes also be authority figures, although more often by trying to be the “good parent” or a trusted adviser to others.) 

When a person whose type is in the compliant group enters a room, their automatic sense of self is that of being “better than” others, although how this is expressed is usually subtle. Ones may come into the room and subconsciously think, “This is so sloppy and disorganized. If I were in charge, things would not be such a mess. 

Twos enter a room and subconsciously think, “These poor people! I wish I had time to give everyone my attention. They look troubled—they need my help!” By approaching others from the position of the “loving person” who gives their concern and service to others, Twos automatically put themselves in the superior role of being “better than” others. 

Sixes are more troubled by inferiority feelings than Ones or Twos, but they get a sense of “better than” through their affiliations and social identifications. (“I’m a Democrat, and we are better than Republicans!” “I live in New York, which is a better city than Los Angeles.” “Nobody’s better than my team, the 49ers!”) 

The withdrawns (Homey’s “moving away from people”) include types Four, Five, and Nine. These types do not have much differentiation between their conscious self and their unconscious, unprocessed feelings, thoughts, and impulses. Their unconscious is always welling up into consciousness through daydreams and fantasies. 

All three types respond to stress by moving away from engagement with the world and into an “inner space” in their imagination. Nines withdraw into a safe and carefree Inner Sanctum, Fours withdraw into a romantic and idealized Fantasy Self, and Fives withdraw into a complex and cerebral Inner Tinker Toy. In common language, they all can “zone out” and go into their imaginations very easily. These types have problems with staying in their physicality and with getting out of their imaginations and into action. 

The automatic sense of self that arises when they come into a room is, “I am not part of what is going on. I am not like these other people. I don’t fit in.” The Four and the Five most clearly feel separate from others. They reinforce their sense of self by staying apart and being different. In a room full of people. Fours would typically be standoffish and aloof and would act in some kind of “mysterious” fashion. On the other hand, if they were not in the proper mood, they might simply leave, especially since their sense of social obligation is tenuous (“It is too much for me. I’m just not up to it right now...”). 

Fives might not mind being there, but they would be just as happy at home reading a book or pursuing their own interests. If they stayed, Fives would probably sit on the sidelines and watch everybody else. They would be more likely to socialize if they could have a context, like photographing the proceedings with a camcorder. 

Nines might well enjoy the gathering and even participate, but they would remain disengaged. They might nod and smile while thinking about a fishing trip, or they might “tune out” almost entirely and simply “tag along” with someone, allowing the other person to do most of the social interacting while the Nine remains benignly silent, or good-humoredly unresponsive. 

Earlier in this chapter, we saw that the Triads tell us what each type most wanted in childhood. The types in the Instinctive Triad most wanted autonomy: they sought independence, the ability to assert their own will and direct their own life. The types in the Feeling Triad most wanted attention: to be seen and validated by their parents. Lastly, the types in the Thinking Triad most wanted security: to know that their environment was safe and stable. 

The Hornevian Groups tell us the strategy each type employs to get its needs met. The assertive types (Three, Seven, and Eight) insist or demand that they get what they want. Their approach is active and direct as they go after what they believe they need. The compliant types (One, Two, and Six) all attempt to earn something by placating their superego to get what they want. They do their best to be “good boys and girls” to get their needs met. The withdrawn types (Four, Five, and Nine) all withdraw to get what they want. They disengage from others to deal with their needs. 

If we go around the Enneagram, we can put these three groups together in a way that succinctly characterizes each type’s core motivation and style. Beginning with the types in the Instinctive Triad we can see that the Eight demands autonomy, the Nine withdraws to gain autonomy (to have their own space), and the One attempts to earn autonomy (feeling that if they are perfect, others will not interfere with them). 

Moving into the Feeling Triad, we see that the Two, a compliant type, tries to earn attention (serving and doing thoughtful things for others). The Three, being an assertive type, demands attention (doing whatever wins recognition and attention), and the Four, a withdrawn type, withdraws for attention (in the hope that someone will come and discover them). 

In the Thinking Triad, the Five withdraws for security (“I will be safe if I stay away from others”), the Six tries to earn security (“I will be safe if I do what is expected of me”), and the Seven demands security (“I am going after whatever I need to feel secure.”

- The Wisdom of the Enneagram: The Complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types by Don Richard Riso and Ross Hudson

[cosmicbug379]

Get to know me game!

I was tagged by @longitud-de-onda-Thank you love! <3

I’m supposed to tag 21 people but I am not going to do that because I don’t think I even know 21 people and also I don’t want to annoy people.Also I added a read more because it got SUPER long and I don’t want to annoy people. 

Nickname: My dad calls me Bug, but he’s the only one who does 

Real name: Kylie

Zodiac: Okay I’m not into astrology so I spent like 20 minutes trying to figure this out, so if anyone would like to tell me what this means go for it, but I am apparently a Taurus sun, Taurus rising, and Aries moon

Favorite musicians/bands: Marianas Trench is number 1, followed closely by Josh Groban (don’t judge me), Queen, Elton John, Scott Helman, Jonas Brothers, Peter Hollens, Celtic Thunder and a lot of Broadway Musical casts 

Favorite Sports Team: I don’t really care that much about sports, but I was raised a 49ers fan because my dad grew up near San Francisco and I do enjoy tennis and my favorite player is probably Rafael Nadal and I also like Roger Federer and Serena Williams

Other blogs: none! But I’m contemplating starting a side blog for my writing

Do I get asks: Not many, but I love them when I get them!

Tumblr crushes: OH BOY

@rzrcrst is the love of my life and I adore her. Her fics are amazing and she’s a literal ray of sunshine and is just so absolutely kind and lovely and encouraging and she’s the reason I started writing again, and the reason I started posting my writing on Tumblr.

@longitud-de-onda is a beautiful wonderful person and I love her fics so much. She’s so kind to me and always encourages my writing and I love reading her comments about my writing. 

@lannister-slings-and-arrows another lovely fic writer who’s work I enjoy immensely. Also her tags on just about everything are both hilarious and relateable  and I love reading them

@tarrevizslas yet another lovely fic writer! A beautiful writer and also a very sweet person. She also always encourages my writing and is just an angel.

@landlockedmermaid77 is my irl best friend and she’s always so lovely and supportive and I haven’t been able to see her in over a month because of this stupid virus and I miss her so much. I promise I’ll start working on that Will Miler fic for you soon my love!

Lucky numbers: 17

What I am wearing: black It:Chapter 2 sleep shorts that say “Loser’s Club” and have a paper boat on them and a Dragon Age tank top with all the Love Interests from the first game on it and that is also way too big for me and shows a lot of side boob, but that will not stop me from wearing it lol

Favorite Food: Steak!!! and french fries! And I will also never turn down chicken nuggets.

Dream vacation: I’ve always really wanted to go to Ireland and Scotland. They’re so beautiful and green and I LOVE Celtic music and I’ve just always wanted to go. Plus if I go, maybe I will meet a cute person with a beautiful accent and we will fall in love lol

Dream car: I like cool fast cars and a Tesla would be cool if Elon Musk didn’t suck so bad. BUT I am also very small and I like to feel tall so I would also love a pick up truck or a jeep!

Drink of choice: Coke babeeey. but not Pepsi that’s gross. and water, I really love water for some reason

Instruments: I can KIND OF play the piano? Like well enough for vocal warm ups and to play a part for me to sing with, but like not very well. I used to play the flute and the clarinet but I was okay at the flute and terrible with the clarinet, the only song I actually played will on clarinet was when we did Duel of the Fates from Phantom Menace and that’s because I only had to play like 6 notes the whole time because it was the background “duh duh duhduhduh” thing over and over again. I do sing though! I love to sing and it’s my favorite and I wish I sang for people more because it’s like the one thing about myself I like and I’m not insecure about. 

Languages: unfortunately just English. Unless you count the little bit of Elvish I know because I’m a fucking loser.

Celebrity crushes: PEDRO PASCAL. Also Indira Varma, Oscar Isaac, James McAvoy, Diego Luna, Gal Gadot, Antonio Banderas (dude Take the Lead, Spy Kids, and Zorro really did a number on me as a kid), Chris Evans, Sebastian Stan, Tom Hiddleston, Charlie Hunnam, Garrett Hedlund, Orlando Bloom, Kiera Knightly, Johnny Depp, Robert Pattinson, Nathan Fillion, Brendan Fraser in the Mummy really did it for me and so did Rachel Weisz and the guy who played Ardeth. Okay I should probably stop.

Random facts: I have three tattoos, I can sing Phantom of the Opera if I have warmed up properly and I sing it very loud and also if I am alone and no one makes fun of me. I haven’t done it in a long time though so I would definitely need to practice before attempting it again. I have a scar on my leg from when I went to Maine with a friend and her family when I was in middle school (my family lived in New Hampshire at the time so it wasn’t that far) and my friend and I were walking in the ocean and the water was very cloudy and there was a huge rock I didn’t see and I ran into it and literally put a hole in my leg, like an actual hole, this was like 10 years ago and the scar is still there clear as day. I remember the lifeguard who bandaged it was named Jack and only remember because I was going through a huge Pirates of the Caribbean obsession. Oh, and it got infected so badly that if I hadn’t gone to the doctor when I did (about a week and a half after it happened) I would have had to have my leg amputated, but lucky for me I just needed some antibiotics! I was an Astrophysics major when I was still in school, and before that I was a theatre major and that was VERY fun. I also got about halfway through the baking program at my local tech college before I left because of issues with my mental health and because I wanted to go to school for theatre and music. I would love to go back either for Astrophysics again (this bitch fucking loves space) or Music/Vocal Performance.

Okay sorry that got SUPER LONG. If you read all of it, good for you and thanks! If not that is also okay because I don’t know how to shut up, and also I like attention but you’re not obligated to give it to me.

Tags! @lannister-slings-and-arrows @pascalisthepunkest @astrolo-galaxy

[allthoserandomthings]

Eyes on Me

“Our guest for today, Chris Evans!”

Ellen welcomed Chris into the studio. The audience’s warm applause made him break out in a big smile. He jogged the last few steps and gave Ellen a hug and a kiss on the cheek before sitting down.

“So, Chris...since this isn’t your first time on the show, let’s skip all the pleasantries.”

Chris laughed along with the audience his right hand resting on his chest.

“Sure, I’m cool with that.”

“Last week, a picture of you was taken and it went viral.”

“It did.” His eyebrows raising while nodding his head.

“Uh-huh. Short answer. Let’s see the picture then.”

The audience clapped when the picture was shown on the studio screen. It was a picture of Chris wearing a suit partnered with a baseball cap as if wearing it will disguise him completely. His left arm was wrapped around the shoulders of a young woman wearing a knee-length dress and wearing a matching Red Sox baseball cap. They were seated at the rear of an SUV while eating burgers. 

“As you know, Chris, no one really cares about you in this. It’s her we’re all curious about.”

“I know. That’s the funny thing. Before, everyone will mention the suit or the beard. Now, no one cares anymore.”

Someone in the audience screamed that they still cared to the delight of everyone in the studio.

“Thanks, man. Nice to see I still have fans,” he joked.

“Chris, you need to focus here. This isn’t Marvel so you can’t use the excuse of secrecy anymore.”

“Okay, what do you wanna know?”

“Who is this pretty lady that you seem to be smitten about?”

“You know the answer to that already.” The audience was still very buzzed and excited to finally get an answer to the week-long Hollywood scoop. 

“Yes, but we would still like to hear it from you.”

‘That lovely girl in the picture is Y/N and we’ve been together for a year.” The audience members were shrieking now that they finally got confirmation of the girl’s identity as well as shock from how long Chris managed to hide her from the press.

“Congratulations, now tell us more about this picture. That seems like an odd outfit to eat hamburgers in.”

“It is interesting. I’ll give you that.”

--- one week ago ---

“Chris, what if I mess up?” you sniffed and placed the phone between your right shoulder and ear, your hands shuffling through the papers that are giving you so much anxiety.

“Y/N, listen to me. You are great at this. You give better speeches than the President.”

“That’s not exactly a high bar, Evans.” Still, the compliment managed to bring a small smile to your lips.

“Well, babe. You know what I mean.” he sighed. “I wish I was there to watch and support you.”

“The press is going to be here, Chris. You can’t be seen supporting some random girl.”

“You’re not just a random girl. You’re my random girl,” he whined.

“I am your random girl. Don’t forget that when you flirt with all the pretty ladies at RDJ’s book launch.” You teased, knowing full well he only has eyes for you.

“I wouldn’t even dream of it. Babe, don’t forget to eat. I know you’re anxious but you practiced so much you can recite this in your sleep.”

“Thanks, Chris. I love you. I’ll see you tomorrow?” 

“See you tomorrow. I love you more.” Knowing he won’t stop unless he gets to say he loves you even more, you just smiled and ended the call.

Tonight is the fundraising charity event for California high school students that excel in STEM. As the new head of Caltech’s Applied Physics Department, you are tasked to give the final speech about the importance of science in the modern world as well as the direction of the department in the next five years. 

“Well, here goes nothing.” 

You hear your voice being called and you stepped on stage. In front of you, hundreds of millionaire patrons that support education are watching your every move.

You went through your speech magnificently. You managed to pause at all the right times emphasizing the parts of your speech you wanted to highlight. You also managed to just occasionally glance at your notes. Stepping away from the podium amid the applause of all the guests put a smile on your face.

You reached for your phone and sent a thumbs-up emoji to Chris before mingling among the guests that are all excited to talk to you.

Your phone vibrated and a quick glance down showed a message from Chris.

Pick you up in 30? I got food. 

Chris knows that you couldn’t eat when anxious and seeing him care this much made your heart skip a beat over how caring he is towards you.

See you. 

You managed to speak to a couple more people before proceeding towards the hotel entrance waiting for his car to arrive.

“Taxi miss?” the doorman asked.

“No, I’m waiting for someone - oh, here he is.”

The doorman opened the passenger door for you, showing not even a hint of surprise when he saw who was driving the car that picked you up.

“I got burgers and fries in the back from your favorite place and it’s a full moon tonight so let’s go eat at the pier.”

“Did you just ran away from RDJ’s book launch?” you asked. Reaching for the fries, you popped a few into your mouth and then gave a couple to Chris.

“Nah. He kicked me out. Said I was too distracted and looking at my phone. He wants to meet you personally soon. They have a livestream of the event, by the way. You did phenomenally.”

When you arrived at the pier, he reached for the baseball caps in the dash and plopped one to each of your heads. You both went down and sat at the rear of the SUV eating your burgers while staring at the full moon.

--- Present Day ---

“And, apparently, I was followed by the paparazzi.” Chris ended his story.

“They must have been surprised. They thought they were just getting eating habits scoop on Captain America but they landed a hit with your girlfriend.”

“I mean..even we were surprised with how long we managed to keep this a secret. I don’t really care if it gets out but please give her some space, she’s not used to having a camera shoved into her face. “

“Maybe you should give her some shield training just in case paparazzi ambush her.”

“I should...that’s a great idea. It would be fun to watch it happen too.”

“Now, can you tell us how you two met.”

“Well, when I first saw her or when we officially met?”

“They’re not the same? Well, obviously, we want both now.”

--- 2 years ago ---

Chris sat in the private corner of the newly opened Japanese Fusion restaurant. So far, no one has recognized him yet and disturbed his meal. He was with his friends celebrating the birth of one of his friends’ daughter.

A piano sat in the middle of the room. A Japanese guy was playing and singing songs he’s never heard of before but he liked it and thought it went with the feel of the place. The piano man informed the patrons that he was taking a thirty-minute break and welcomed anyone to use the piano during that time.

In the corner of Chris’ eyes, he saw a big group of people egging on a young woman to play the piano. She finally relented and sat at the recently vacated piano bench.

“I would like to congratulate my good friends, Dexter and Keiko, on their engagement. This song is for them,” the lady said. Some of those near the table of the group congratulating the newly engaged couple.

“Eyes on You by Faye Wong.” The lady said as an intro before hitting the piano keys.

Whenever sang my songs On the stage, on my own Whenever said my words Wishing they would be heard

Chris stopped listening to his friends and focused all his attention on the person singing. Her soft voice was definitely giving justice to the lyrics of the song.

I kind of liked it your way How you shyly placed your eyes on me Oh, did you ever know? That I had mine on you

It was at that moment that the woman looked up and her gaze fell straight ahead at Chris whose blue eyes were looking back at her. She smiled at him though there seems to be no sign in her eyes that she recognized Chris. Their actions gradually mimicking the song, she continued to sing.

Darling, so share with me Your love if you have enough your tears if you're holding back Or pain if that's what it is How can I let you know I'm more than the dress and the voice Just reach me out then You will know that you're not dreaming

“Thank you,” she said into the microphone. She cast one last glance at him before going back to her group of friends. Chris noticed a dark-haired man who was obviously very buzzed, aggressively grabbing the woman’s waist. The man placed a quick kiss on the woman’s lips and returned to eating.

‘She’s taken then, too bad.’

“Hey, Chris, man? You listening to us or are you going to stare at that girl all day? Just go ask her out if you like her.” One of his friends had apparently noticed his fascination with the singer.

“Nah. It looks like she came with someone. You guys want to order dessert?”

--- Present Day ---

“Was that guy her boyfriend?” Ellen asked Chris.

“I mean, yeah. She was seeing the guy but it kind of didn’t work out for them. Thankfully.” He raised both hands and made a thumbs-up sign while smiling widely.

“Yeah. We can see how that worked out very well in your favor. Now, would you tell us when you two formally met each other?”

--- 1 ½ year ago ---

You have been invited by a friend to watch the 49ers vs Rams game, the only problem is you know nothing about American football despite being American. You actually prefer to watch the English Premier League. Currently, your team, Tottenham, is playing against Liverpool. Instead of watching the NFL, you were glued to your phone watching your team defend their 1-0 lead during stoppage time.

“Finding the game boring?” You look up to see a handsome bearded brunette wearing a black sweater and shades sitting in the previously empty seat next to you.

“Actually, this is more my thing,” you said while raising your phone still showing the EPL game. “I don’t really understand American Football. I just got dragged today. I already feel bad for wasting space here at the suite. ”

“You’re English?” the guy asked again. Clearly, he was perplexed how an American can be so clueless about his beloved sport.

“Well, if that will get you off my case, then sure, I can be English,”  you retorted jokingly.

“Hey, I’m not judging. I’m just saying this is football.  Although, the 49ers and Rams are kind of weak compared to the Patriots. There is this team called the Patriots. They’re the greatest team in the history of the NFL.  And Tom Brady…that man is a god.” He continued to recite the achievements of his team off the top of his head. You tried to listen politely, nodding every couple of words but your eyes were still focused on the game until the very last second.

“Yes! We won. Take that Liverpool.” You punched the air with your free hand.

Your seatmate looked at you like he was betrayed, “I thought you were listening to me. “

“I was. I’m good at multitasking. See, my game just ended. Full attention on you now. But, who are you again?” you finally asked just realizing that the guy didn’t even introduce himself.

“I’m Chris…Chris Evans.” he held out his right hand and removed his shades.

“Oh, nice to meet you. I’m Y/N Y/L/N. Now, your name sounds familiar. Your face too, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.” You shook his outstretched hand while still combing through your thoughts on where you’ve seen him. Finally, it clicked.

“Oh, are you the one who plays Captain America? You look different with a beard.”

“I am,” Chris said with a small smile on his face.

“Oh, wow. I love your movies. Captain America is nice but I love sci-fi movies. I’m a scientist you see so Sunshine and Snowpiercer are my favorites.”

“You’re a scientist?” he asked. His eyes focused on yours. Usually, not a lot of people, let alone celebrities care about your job.

“Yes. I do research at the JPL, and I have some teaching load at Caltech. But, I must be boring you. We can talk about the game now.”

“No, no. I am actually very interested in you, uh, I mean at what you do.” He stammered, blushing at the slip-up.

You laughed not realizing that he really was serious with both of the things he said. You explained to him what your job entails and how it feels like to work at JPL. You also talked about teaching at Caltech and all your smart students who are almost the same age as you which makes you feel weird. In return, you found out that his relatives are also teachers and he has a deep love for space. He also prefers doing small studio movies but the MCU movies provided him a certain set of advantages that the indie movies won’t be able to.

Your conversation flowed effortlessly as the game progressed. He would sometimes stop and point out certain parts of the game and explain it to you patiently. All the while, he can’t help but compare the two teams playing now to his New England Patriots. The game ended in favor of the Rams.

“Y/N, would you like to watch a Patriots game with me? They play the Rams next. I promise I’ll explain all the great plays that Tom Brady will orchestrate.” He looked at your eyes pleadingly. His right hand was clutching your left tightly.

You didn’t have to think twice to agree, “I’d love to, Chris.”

--- Present Day ---

“Did she know it was you from the restaurant?” Ellen asked. The audience also exclaimed, eager to know the answer.

“Not at all. I had to remind her later that we saw each other first at that place.”

“You must have sounded like a stalker,” Ellen joked to Chris. Chris laughed grabbing his left chest, almost falling out of his chair.”

“You have no idea. Anyway, that was the story of how I converted a Californian to a Patriots fan. Yeah! Oh, and along the way, I got a girlfriend.”

“Well, that’s a nice way to put it, Chris, let’s see how your girlfriend will react. Everyone, please welcome our surprise guest, Y/N.”

The studio erupted into loud cheers and applause. Some of the people watching even stood up to see well. Chris had his jaw open, surprised that you would agree to do something like this. He turned around in his chair and watched you come out from backstage. Chris seemed to have gotten out of his shock since he stood up and walked towards you. He enveloped you in a big hug which caused the cheers to go even louder.

“Babe, you okay doing this?” he was still hugging you. His back was to the audience and camera so they wouldn’t see you talking.

“I’ll get used to it.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” You squeezed him tight before letting go of the hug, which would also go viral the following day. Hand in hand, you walked towards Ellen.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, our lovely couple, Chris and Y/N!”

[itsmariotti-blog]

Jay Mariotti: Who's got it better? Harbaugh

He wasn’t on the ballot and has yet to coach a game at Michigan, yet Jim Harbaugh finished fourth in voting last week for the student-body presidency. This should shock no one who has watched life’s two proven equalizers, karma and justice, embrace him with hugs and love since Dec. 28. You’ll remember that as the dark and dirty afternoon when the 49ers — and there is no other way to state it — removed his khaki-covered carcass from the premises in one of football’s all-time mismanagement fiascos.

Those of us who know Harbaugh — me from way back — realize his public persona is something of an act. Yet no PR firm could shape a campaign that has him coming off as a happy, wealthy and enormously popular BMOC, in contrast to a Jed York-Trent Baalke corporate abomination that grows more sour and depressing by the hour at Levi’s Stadium. Seems Harbaugh makes more news than the Kardashians these days, the difference being that his events always glow with good, fun vibes, devoid of a Kanye or Disick funk.

“Disappointed w/4th place finish for @umich student body Pres,” he cracked Monday on his Twitter account. “Competitive juices flowing! Hat in the ring for 2016 & will campaign.”

Can a man beat Urban Meyer and rule a large student body in one swoop? Jimmy Frat House might be the only coach capable of pulling this off. It’s amazing how he keeps his personal headline cycle generating with cool water-cooler buzz that must warm the collective embittered souls of 49ers fans, who at least can root for Harbaugh from afar while their franchise implodes amid a crippling roster exodus and a bizarre coaching appointment. If he already had blown away York and Baalke in the public-opinion race, what’s happened since is a rout akin to the last Seahawks loss.

There was Harbaugh on a snowy afternoon in Ann Arbor, playing good Samaritan when he observed a rollover crash on an interstate highway. Christine Mowrer didn’t know who he was, but covered in blood after her 2003 Jeep Cherokee flipped at least three times, she was relieved to see Harbaugh and another football staff member wrap her and her 73-year-old mother in blankets and administer first aid until help arrived. “He probably kept me from going into shock,” Mowrer, 53, told the Ann Arbor News from her hospital bed. “I had blood dripping out of my nose, and he helped me out and got me onto the ground.”

Meanwhile, in Santa Clara, York and Baalke were trying to explain the identity of Jim Tomsula and douse speculation that Tomsula had undercut Harbaugh to get his job, furthering perceptions that the departed angel had been sabotaged by the worst kind of office politics. As Harbaugh said to a Bay Area columnist, “[You] definitely walk down the halls and people look away or they look at you and you know something’s going on,” adding that it would be a good issue for Tomsula to address. When Tomsula did address it, he blamed the media and never really denied it.

There was Harbaugh, going to Michigan basketball games, belting out the “Hail to the Victors” school fight song and pressing his hand against his heart during the national anthem. There was Harbaugh, staying in a budget hotel with his assistant coaches and eating pre-dawn cereal in the lobby before carpooling to Schembechler Hall and staying until midnight. There was Harbaugh, hanging out with his 25-year-old son, Jay, the new tight ends coach. There was Harbaugh, waving at students who wear “Maize, Blue and Khaki” T-shirts and “Welcome to Ann Arbaugh” clothing lines. St. Jim, they were calling him.

Meanwhile, in Santa Clara, York and Baalke were ducking reporters on a day when serious explanations were needed for fans. Why was Patrick Willis retiring? Why were Frank Gore and Mike Iupati leaving? Why was Justin Smith considering leaving? Why was yet another player in trouble with the law? Why wasn’t the highly regarded Vic Fangio given the head coaching job? And why was Tomsula babbling incoherently during a CSN Bay Area introductory interview?

There was Harbaugh, a big fan of the “Judge Judy” show, using his Twitter feed to congratulate Judith Sheindlin for signing a contract extension, to which she replied with a good-luck wish for his opening collegiate season. There was Harbaugh, hosting NFL prospects Jameis Winston and Bryce Petty for precombine workouts in what only could be a tribute to his standing as a quarterbacking guru.

Meanwhile, in Santa Clara, Baalke was denying reports he is shopping Harbaugh’s regressing pet QB, Colin Kaepernick. This while Kaepernick was engaging in Twitter wars and telling one fan, @battman_returns, to “mind your damn business, clown” and to “get better at life!” — all because one Stephen Batten had said Kaepernick’s abs workouts wouldn’t help him find open receivers, which is kind of true.

There was Harbaugh, escaping the Midwest winter for Arizona, coaching first base for the A’s as a “special guest instructor” for an old pal from his Palo Alto boyhood, manager Bob Melvin. And you know what he said after the Cactus League victory? “How does it get any better than this?” he gushed, in a variation of his famous line. “It’s a great day for baseball, and just to be able to put on the uniform … I haven’t been in a baseball uniform since American Legion ball.”

“He’s an inspiration just walking out here,” Melvin said. “He’s got that air about him. He’s always been quite the competitor and everyone knows that. A winner. And whenever you can have guys like that around, guys benefit from it. Plus you don’t find too many guys who want to get in uniform and go out there and interact with the guys during the workout.” Meanwhile, in Santa Clara, emerging defensive star Chris Borland was becoming an inspiration in his own right by retiring from football at age 24, injecting a cursed element into the raging chaos.

Given the turbulence and in-house leaks that undermined Harbaugh’s final season with the Niners, he deserves to experience a blossoming love affair at his alma mater. If York were an effective CEO, he would have made the Harbaugh-Baalke combination work and buffered their strained relations. The Seahawks have made it work with Pete Carroll and John Schneider, but instead of drawing lines for the coach and GM, York did the covenient management dance and sided with his fellow exec. I covered a fairly famous sports dynasty, the Chicago Bulls of the 1990s, that ended prematurely because an owner couldn’t soothe the differences between a general manager and a coach named Phil Jackson, who went on to win more championships than any coach in NBA history. Yet everyone weathered the storms long enough to win six titles, six more than these 49ers won.

“You have to have like-minded people building a team,” Baalke said in a media gathering after Tomsula’s first news conference. “If you don’t have like-minded people building a team, coach, coaching staff, front office … If we’re not all looking for the same characteristics, the same type of players, it’s tough to build a unit that can go out there on Sundays and win football games.”

We’re still waiting for York to say that he failed in letting the marriage collapse, in choosing a winner and a loser. Clearly, he wasn’t overly interested in appeasing Harbaugh after using his ultrasuccessful debut season to help get a $1.3-billion stadium built in Silicon Valley. The coach was too popular and wanted too much power, and regardless of his three consecutive appearances in the NFC title game, the big bosses wanted control and no tugging of the rope. Now, Baalke gets to pull the strings of his puppet, Tomsula, and tell him which assistants to hire and which players to acquire. Now, York can preside over his sterile, quiet stadium — the high-tech antithesis of Candlestick — and count megaprofits from Super Bowl 50, WrestleMania 31 and an outdoor hockey game.

Each party in this debacle has gained total control — Harbaugh in Ann Arbor, York and Baalke in Santa Clara. Yet only one man is going to win a lot of football games anytime soon. Someone asked Harbaugh if he viewed himself as the messiah of Michigan.

“I’m not comfortable with that at all,” he said.

Oh, yes, he is. Very comfortable.

Be happy for him. He deserves that much.

Mariotti is sports director and lead sports columnist at the San Francisco Examiner. He can be reached at jmariotti@sfexaminer.com. Read his website at jaymariotti.com.

[bmaxwell]

FOOTBALL TALK: The Los Angeles Chargers

Los Angeles Chargers.

Yuck.

Now I understand people who used to turn their noses up at the Indianapolis Colts.

Anyway, my love of pro football started back at the end of the 80's for me. I don't remember the exact timeline, but I know it involved Super Bowl XXIV, collectible sports cards, and Tecmo Bowl for the NES. The San Diego Chargers weren't in Tecmo Bowl. They've always wavered somewhere between "doormat" and "it's cool that we made the playoffs!" for the most part.

My first impression of them came from collecting sports cards. Their uniforms looked cool as hell, and pretty much always have as far as I'm concerned.

Blue, white, and yellow with some baller lightning bolts? Sign me up. Also - and this will be a recurring theme - I love to root for the underdog.

"I liked the Chargers before they were good!" - me, someday before I day maybe.

My mother and my uncle are big football fans, so they were happy to see me take an interest. Uncle Bill talked about what a great quarterback Dan Fouts was. His stats* were pretty bonkers for his day. He looked like a 70's quarterback. Dude had a beard, and I can picture him having a smoke on the sideline.**

The Chargers have had some great players over the years. I got to watch talents like Ladanian Tomlinson and Junior Seau waste away on those middling Chargers teams. As someone who lives in Detroit Lions country, this feels all too familiar.

Even when they did earn their lone trip to the Super Bowl, it felt like something they backed into. It wasn't a dominant team by any means. They started the season 6-0, finished 11-5, and squeaked out 2 narrow playoff wins. They ran into that woodchipper of a 49ers team led by Steve Young and Jerry Rice, and the defense felt like the Detroit Red Wings team that won the Stanley Cup in 2002 - "Hey everybody, get together and play for us this year WOO!"

Sorry, guys.

Somehow more memorable than their lone Super Bowl run was the year when they somehow ranked first in total offense, first in total defense, and missed the playoffs.

A lot of my memories are tied to the years I spent collecting football cards. I enjoy cataloguing stats. A lot of the player names from 1990-2000 are burned into my memory. The Chargers had some good ones. Marion Butts. Gill Byrd. Billie Joe Tolliver. That last one sounds like it came from a hillbilly name generator.

Billie Joe Tolliver somehow looks exactly like he should.

Perfection.

Anyway, I no longer really care about football that much. The Chargers had a real good rookie quarterback last year. Bobby Herbert. Nope. Justin Herbert. Wow, that's weird. ***

*STAAAAAAATS **He probably didn't do that. But my head canon has him rushing to finish chugging a beer while the coach is yelling at him that it's time to get back out there ***There was a Saint/Falcons QB named Bobby Herbert. No relation apparently.

[blowmiakisscolin]

FF: The Unofficially Official Most Handsome Man in Storybrooke

So, the prompt for this fic came about during a conversation with my dear friend @xemmaloveskillianx​ last night. We were talking football, specifically about how the commentators of the 49ers-Texans game were very openly swooning over the hotness of our new quarterback for the 49ers (former NE Patriot Jimmy Garoppolo). They repeatedly brought it up throughout the game, even going so far as to do a “Handsome-Off” between him and Tom Brady. E-Network-style comparison clips of them running out of their respective tunnels and dreamy-soft-lit-close-ups of their faces included. It was borderline ridiculous and I loved it.

K and I were highly amused by the swooning NFL commentators verbally drooling over Jimmy G. And then she had to go and plant the seed of: “Yo, why did I just picture Leroy and the dwarves staging a Handsome-Off for David and Killian?”

And so this happened. And I regret nothing. (I’m also very proud because I managed to write a SHORT oneshot, instead of one that got way out of hand and ended up owning my ass at 10K words.) (This one is 1.5K. Hurrah!)

P.s. it’s canon-compliant aside from the mention of Henry’s whereabouts. I fixed that to what it should have been. You’re welcome.

Title: The Unofficially Official Most Handsome Man in Storybrooke. Rating: K Genre: Humor; Fluff Pairings: Captain Swan, Snowing, Captain Charming friendship. Words: 1.5K Links: AO3

They should have known Leroy was up to something. It had been conspicuously quiet in town for well over a week, without the usual ruckus he liked to cause. If he wasn’t mouthing off in the Rabbit Hole and instigating a bar fight, he’d probably be found staging some kind of protest over the grocery store charging for plastic bags or the bakery changing its flour supplier. If the town wasn’t in the midst of a curse, Leroy seemed to be more than willing to keep things lively week-to-week.

Which was why a week without any protests or bar fights had warning bells ringing for the current and former Deputy Sheriffs. With Emma now in her third trimester and under strict doctor’s orders not to over-exert herself (by jumping in to break up bar fights or disperse riotous, protesting dwarves, for example), David had stepped up to help Killian man the fort at the station.

The two men would often meet their wives for lunch at Granny’s, and catch them up on all the goings-on in town, but today they’d opted for a mid-morning coffee break as well, seeing as work truly was that slow.

Walking into Granny’s, the two immediately picked up on the sudden beat of silence that descended, all eyes on them, before someone cleared their throat and the low buzz of conversations began again. Leroy, huddled over a piece of paper on the countertop with a gaggle of dwarves around him as they’d entered, was suddenly sat bolt upright and wore a decidedly uneasy expression.

Killian and David exchanged glances and then both approached the counter, causing the dwarves to immediately disperse, leaving their red-faced leader to attempt nonchalance (and fail miserably).

“Leroy,” David greeted him, eyeing him with suspicion, “Everything alright here?”

“Fine! Just fine, y’Highness.”

He replied, much too quickly. But with his focus on David, he had failed to notice David’s pirate companion stealthily approaching on his other side, and before he even had chance to protest, Killian had snatched the piece of paper he’d been attempting to shield from them.

“Hmm. I believe it’s bad form to run a contest such as this without informing the participants, Dwarf.”

David narrowed his eyes in confusion, and Killian passed him the paper, chuckling as he watched a thunderous expression darken David’s features when his eyes scanned the words.

“A ‘Handsome-Off’. It was inevitable, don’t you think, boys?”

Granny piped up, appraising them over her glasses with a smirk on her lips and a sparkle in her eyes. David spluttered with indignation, apparently scandalized at the idea that Granny would be enabling (and even encouraging) such a contest.

“You can’t be serious.”

He grumbled, hands on his hips and the thunderous expression softening at the edges to one of weary bemusement.

“It’s a harmless contest. You’re only pissed because you’re trailing by three points, David.”

Ruby called out, smirking over her shoulder at them as she attempted to fix the eternally-broken coffee machine. Leroy choked on a laugh, but smothered it and tried to pass it off as a cough under David’s withering glare.

“Aye, mate,” Killian chuckled, “It’s harmless. And it would be interesting to see who the residents of Storybrooke deem to be the most dashing enforcer of the law...don’t you think?”

David’s glare was turned on Killian momentarily, until he rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Well, it’s not like you’re going to take any notice of me if I attempt to shut it down. And it’s apparently reducing the number of bar fights and pointless protests we have to break up each week...so fine. Do your silly contest, Leroy.”

The dwarf was clearly about to argue that the town protests were not pointless (though the grocery store was still charging for plastic bags, so the success of that protest was negligible) but he seemed to decide against it and at least had the decency to look chastened at the fact that his underhanded contest had been exposed.

David handed the paper back to him and he scarpered, his gaggle following close behind.

“You’re only letting this charade continue because you intend to win it, don’t you, Dave?”

Killian eyed his father-in-law and best-mate with amusement as he slid into the seat at the counter Leroy had vacated. David took the seat next to him, barely containing his smirk as he met Killian’s gaze.

“Oh, I am going to win it, pirate.”

// CS //

“You can’t use the fact that you saved the lass’ cat from a tree to garner a vote for your face, mate.”

“You would have done exactly the same thing if you’d taken that call, and you know it.”

“At least I don’t have my wife reminding the women at her Mother & Toddler classes to vote for her husband!”

“Oh, don’t you think I didn’t catch Emma bargaining with Regina for her to vote for you!”

The bickering went on and on for well over a week. Emma and Snow took it all in good humor, until they too became quite invested in the contest. Apparently, they all had competitive streaks a mile wide, despite repeatedly reminded one another that they didn’t actually win anything at the end of it all (‘Except bragging rights for the rest of forever,’ Emma had jokingly pointed out).

It was a Friday evening and, as per tradition, the Charming-Swan-Jones-Mills clan had assembled at Granny’s for dinner. It had become a tradition ever since things had quietened down in the town curse-wise, and it was something they all looked forward to each week now. Henry had moved to Boston for college the year before, but he often expressed how much he missed their Friday Family Nights, and in return they assured him his presence was most definitely missed too. But he visited during the holidays and those little family traditions became even more treasured then.

This particular Friday, the ‘Handsome-Off’ was, of course, the main topic of conversation. Regina repeatedly rolled her eyes at the whole debacle, and Granny promptly informed them that Leroy had managed to get every Storybrooke resident to vote now, and he and the dwarves were hard at work counting the votes. Regina rolled her eyes so hard that Emma warned her they’d probably roll right out of her head if she carried on. She rolled her eyes again.

David grinned smugly at Killian (or, as he’d taken to calling him, his arch-rival) across the table as he cut up his young son’s food, and Killian simply shook his head on a chuckle.

“I’ll admit I’ve enjoyed our rivalry this past week, but you should know that the only people I truly care for the opinion of on my dashing good looks is my beautiful wife and this wee pirate princess.”

With an arm around the back of Emma’s chair, Killian reached over and placed his hand on her belly, rubbing with gentle pressure that had their unborn daughter kicking in response. Emma smiled up at him with a small scoff, muttering something that sounded like ‘such a sap’ and he simply grinned, pressing a tender kiss to her temple.

“Oh, please. You’re only saying that because you know I’ve clinched this thing.”

David snorted, and Snow elbowed him none-too-subtly in the ribs.

Their back-and-forth was brought to a halt when Leroy burst through the door of the diner in his trademark manner, voice two decibels above what was required for a small room. Or any room, really.

“The results are in!”

He boomed, waving an envelope above his head with gusto. Regina rolled her eyes.

“Well, come on then, Leroy. Put us all out of our misery.”

Granny called as she came out from behind the counter, wiping her hands on her apron and folding her arms. Expectant eyes were glued on Leroy then as he tore open the envelope with a little more fervor than was strictly necessarily. Emma bit back a laugh and rubbed her bump absently, while David held his breath and Killian leaned back in his chair with a serene expression of mild amusement.

“And the winner is…”

Leroy eyeballed each person in the room, silent seconds ticking by, and Snow covered her mouth to stifle a giggle at the ridiculousness of the build-up.

“Oh, for heaven’s sake. Give me that.”

Regina snapped, standing and grabbed the envelope from Leroy’s hands as he made an outraged sound of protest. Killian wondered if he’d be picketing outside the diner over this the next day.

“Killian won. There. Can we please go back to being adults again now?”

David’s mouth dropped open and he gawped at Regina as though she’d just told him Granny had run out of lasagna. Emma was beaming, clearly thrilled that her husband was the Unofficially Official Most Handsome Man In Storybrooke. Snow initially clapped, until a scandalized glare from her husband had her smiling sheepishly and shrugging.

“I guess you might want to try and save more cats next time, mate.”

Killian chuckled, grinning smugly and quirking an eyebrow at his (probably former) best mate. David turned, red-faced, to Leroy.

“I want a recount!”

Fin.

[onlyhalfthestory]

So I decided to go through the Just Like You video and try to find all the articles. As you can see the articles all come from different newspapers and while most are very recent, some are from a couple of years ago! This makes me think that there’s no way they are all just random articles because it really makes no sense to have articles from different newspapers and years. I havent made it all the way through the video yet, but this is what I have so far!

Owners put off by fear of being conned (Mark Souster, The Times UK, Oct. 10, 2017)

“Racing’s governing body plans to conduct a review of the buying and selling of racehorses in Britain...”

Tom Paley Obituary: Pioneer of the American folk revival renowned for his duets with Woody Guthrie and running into trouble with the McCarthyites (no author??, The Times Uk, Oct. 10, 2017)

“In the late 1950′s Tom Paley used to play around New York as a duo with Woody Guthrie...”

Note: Why is the following quote crossed out in the lyric video?

“He was likened to Puck, ‘quintessentially witty, a master teller of jokes’“

Top 10 Croatia Getaways: Beautiful country which genuinely has something for everyone (Steve Myall, The Mirror Uk, April 18, 2015)

“Eight day tour from  £1,149 pp with flights from London and half-board accommodation in May, June, or September...”

Note: this does not match the newspaper clipping in the video exactly.

You aint heard nothing yet: the moment Al Jolson sounded the birth of the talkies (Michael Freedland, The Guardian, Oct. 8, 2017)

“The other big studios were forced to convert their silent movies to sound...”

Note: in the lyric video it scrolls down so you can read more of the article. Why? No other article in the video does this.

We’re open to fracking, says National Trust boss (Ben Webster, The Times UK, Oct. 24, 2013)

“The National Trust is prepared to consider fracking on its land but has all but ruled out wind farms...”

Sally Potter: ‘There’s nothing like hearing a whole place vibrate with laughter’ (Guy Lodge, The Guardian, Oct. 8, 2017)

“She’s far from the only one. I recall something the actress Marianne Jean-Baptiste said about diversity in the industry...”

Note: this whole paragraph seems very relevant to Louis. Also interesting is we can see a part of the following quote in the lyric video (the words pride and discriminatory are visible):

“Potter wears her outsider status with pride, well equipped to handle the discriminatory pinch still affecting women in the film industry”

(Turns out we can see the entire quote later on in the video)

Bonus: the article also mentions that Potter made a film which Cillian Murphy acted in (ahem, Dunkirk)

Tories know they need a new leader but have no idea how to get one  (Toby Helm and Michael Savage, The Guardian, Oct. 7, 2017)

“Cabinet ministers offloaded their frustrations at every opportunity...”

Blade Runner 2049 review-a future classic (Mark Kermode, The Guardian, Oct. 8, 2017)

“The sights are staggering, yet the real triumphs of Blade Runner 2049 are beautifully low-key...”

Note: the article mentions that Hans Zimmer composed the score of the movie (Dunkirk, anyone?)

From social contracts to human rights: 10 of the greatest political founding works (Robin McWiliam, The Guardian, Oct. 8, 2017)

“Paine opposed the hereditary principle in government and argued that people were right to oppose despotism...”

Note: the clipping we see in the video is talking about Thomas Paine’s book Rights of Man (1791)

Eight easiest ways to treat your eczema including switching to non-bio, limiting showers to 15 minutes and drinking oolong tea (Kim Jones, The Mirror, Oct. 9, 2017)

“Chemicals in washing powders can irritate skin and cause a flare-up...”

Note: article mentions that Leeds University is conducting research on eczema (remember leeds fest!!!)

Hollywood dinosaurs have had their day (Hugo Rifkind, The Australian, Oct. 10, 2017)

“If I looked like the Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein...”

Note: this article appears several times in the lyric video

Scrambled Heads: the book teaching children not to be scared of mental health (Daisy Wyatt, iNews, Oct. 10, 2017)

‘Mental health can be a difficult subject to speak with adults about, let alone children...”

Note: the article has a subheading called ‘Appearance vs Reality’ and its also been pointed out that this article appears in the video during the line “yeah, i feel the same as you do”

Jurgen Klopp must learn from Liverpool history - great DEFENCE wins you titles (Stan Collymore, The Mirror, Oct. 9, 2017)

“Seventy-two to be precise-30 more than Andrew Cole and Eric Cantona managed for Manchester United...”

Colin Kaepernick: From one man kneeling to a movement dividing a country (Patrick Jennings, BBC, Oct. 11, 2017)

“The former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick first protested...”

Nile Rodgers had chilling premonition two days before George Michael’s death, but admits it was ‘too emotional’ to share (Francis Kindon, Jessica Gibb, and Ashleigh Rainbird, The Mirror, Oct. 17, 2017)

“George channeled his heartache into an ongoing legal battle with his record label, Sony..”

Note: the article talks about George Michael’s struggles with his record label who were not promoting his music properly and also mentions the death of his mother from cancer. (Also lots of RBB connnections to George Michael)

[racingtoaredlight]

RTARL’s 2020 NFL Season Week 7 Extravapalooza

With the way the COVID-19 situation in America (and lots of other places around the world) is rapidly heading in the wrong direction, I’m beginning to genuinely wonder if the NFL is going to have to pause the season for a few weeks as some states potentially decide that the gatherings that come with staging a football game are less than necessary. 

Once the league decided to start the season as scheduled, I figured there was no way they’d stop the train once it began lurching forward, even if some unlucky teams were forced to start someone like Brian Hoyer at QB instead of their normal guy. Ahem. But, I also didn’t think things would deteriorate virus-spread wise quite to this degree. I was really giving us as a society way too much credit, it would appear. Given the resistance to the first round of shutdown measures, I think there’s a real possibility that shit could hit the fan in a way few of us have seen before if another batch were implemented, but it seems like the only option going forward for some places if they don’t get their shit together. Our choices in the very near future appear to be: court massive civil unrest spurred on by the very worst among us, or do nothing and let many of those same people carry disease to every corner of the country as hospitals become overwhelmed and people die alone and miserable. Hooray for letting the dumbest assholes dictate the courses of everyone else’s lives. 

Now for some football picks!!!

My picks are in BOLD, and the lines come to us courtesy of our friends at Vegas Insider. I use the “VI Consensus” line, which is the line that occurs most frequently across Vegas Insider’s list of sportsbooks. Your sportsbook of choice may offer a different number, and if you’d like my opinion on said number A) you are insane, and B) leave a comment below and I’ll try to answer at some point before things kickoff today.

EARLY GAMES

Detroit Lions at Atlanta Falcons (-2)

Ah, a team who recently fired their terrible head coach against a team who desperately needs to. I’m glad it finally appears to be dawning on Detroit’s offensive braintrust that D’Andre Swift is the best RB on the team and thus should get the bulk of the touches. You could even say he deserves the LION’S SHARE. Sorry. 

I was ready to declare Matt Ryan officially washed heading into last week’s games, but then he went out and threw for 371 and 4 TDs against the (admittedly trash-ass) Vikings defense, and now I just don’t know. Does having Julio Jones in the lineup really make that much of a difference for him? Maybe! This game should be enjoyable slop and I don’t have any strong leanings one way or another. I’ll pick the Falcons just because a Lions loss gets them one step closer to freedom from their dipshit Goomba-from-Mario-Bros-lookin’ motherfucker of a head coach.

Cleveland Browns (-3.5) at Cincinnati Bengals

I like to make fun of the Browns just like everyone else, but I’d prefer to see less digital ink spilled on QB Baker Mayfield’s crappy play and more celebration of DE Myles Garrett instead. Garrett is AWESOME. Through 6 games he has 7 sacks (2nd in the NFL) and 3 forced fumbles (also 2nd in the league), and those numbers don’t fully capture how disruptive and nightmarish he is for opposing offenses most weeks. Sure, he maybe tried to kill a guy with his helmet last year, but c’mon. That was just a harmless little goof. No reason to hold it against him, in my opinion. Like, have you seen what Mason Rudolph looks like? He had it coming.

I feel bad every time I pick against Joe Burrow because I want he and I to be friends, but *points to previous paragraph about how Myles Garrett swallows planets whole*.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Tennessee Titans (-1.5)

Last week I wrote a whole big thing (with stats to back it up!) in the Titans blurb about how Derrick Henry wasn’t playing well and was potentially wearing down, and then he proceeded to rush for over 200 yards and 2 TDs, including an unreal 94-yarder. I concede that I may have been misguided, and that attempting to use research is for lameass nerds. That said, I HIGHLY doubt he’ll have a huge day against the Steelers defense, but the combo of Henry and the Ryan Tannehill-led passing game should be able to put up enough points to win. 

These teams are both very good and very evenly matched, but I don’t want to pick Pittsburgh because I actively dislike them. You won’t find that kind of analysis on Football Outsiders, friends.

Carolina Panthers at New Orleans Saints (-7)

New Orleans will be without WRs Michael Thomas and Emmanuel Sanders for this one, and I think QB Drew Brees is too far over-the-hill to make chicken salad out of the chicken shit that remains in their group of pass catchers. RB Alvin Kamara is great, but he can’t do it by himself. Oh, and speaking of Michael Thomas, a report came out yesterday that the Saints are open to dealing him. This report came from Mike Florio, so grain of salt and all, but it did lead to me reading a rumor that Thomas’ teammates hate him and secretly call him “Can’t Stand Mike,” a play on his “Can’t Guard Mike” Twitter handle. I found this hilarious and very much want it to be true.

Let’s raise a glass to Panthers backup RB and fantasy football savior Mike Davis, as his gravy train likely comes to a halt after today with the impending return of Christian McCaffery. The New Orleans rush defense is very good, so I don’t see him going out in a blaze of glory, but his out-of-nowhere statistical bonanza deserves to be celebrated.

Buffalo Bills (-10) at New York Jets

LOL Jets Head Coach Adam Gase still hasn’t been fired despite losing 24-0 to Miami last week. What’s it gonna take, I wonder? A second consecutive shutout may do it, but the Bills defense has been terrible, so it’ll take a real commitment to ineptitude for the Jets to put up their second squadoosh in a row. NY QB Sam Darnold is returning to the lineup, but he’s going to be without his best weapon, WR Jamison Crowder. I honestly feel terrible for poor Sam, as he was drafted into the worst situation I can remember. At least David Carr was hit enough that he likely doesn’t remember ALL of the bad stuff. 

Nearly all of the Bills’ TEs are in the COVID-19 protocol, so I’m not sure how they’re gonna address that. BRING BACK JAY RIEMERSMA!

Dallas Cowboys at Washington Football Team (-1)

The Cowboys being underdogs against Washington is hilarious, even more so because it’s justified. I thought QB Andy Dalton would do a decent job leading the Cowboys offense last week against Arizona, and I was very, very wrong. I still think he can get his shit together somewhat, but the ceiling for this team has been lowered to “Darren Sproles might have to duck a bit” height. I can only condone watching this game for schadenfreude purposes, but even that’s stretching it. Any more than a quarter is just straight-up masochism.

Green Bay Packers (-3.5) at Houston Texans

I’m simultaneously excited to watch this game and struggling to come up with anything novel to say about it. I’m interested to see how Green Bay deploys their awesome CB Jaire Alexander, as whichever Texans WR avoids him is likely to be peppered with targets. Shoutout to Will Fuller’s hamstrings for holding up so far and allowing him to kick ass. 

As of right now it looks like Green Bay will be without studly RB Aaron Jones and sexy touchdown beast TE Robert Tonyan, which isn’t great. But, if there’s one opponent where you should still be ok using a backup RB, it’s the Houston Texans and their atrocious rush defense. Wait, why am I picking Houston? Whatever, fuck it, the heart wants what the heart wants.

LATE GAMES

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (-5) at Las Vegas Raiders

A couple of days ago, it looked like the entire Las Vegas offensive line might miss this game due to being placed on the COVID-19/Reserve list. As of this writing, all those beefy boys are cleared to play, which is good news since they’re going against Tampa Bay’s top-shelf defense (ranked #1 in defensive DVOA). Even with their full compliment of offensive personnel, I still predict many hilarious angry and frustrated faces from Jon Gruden.

Tampa Bay has decided to sign WR Antonio Brown, despite already having two Pro Bowl-caliber receivers in Mike Evans and Chris Godwin. It’s pretty clear this signing was done entirely because QB Tom Brady wanted it, as Brady has been pushing for his team to sign Brown going back to last year in New England. It’s so weird, Tom Brady doesn’t seem like the kind of guy who would advocate for an emotionally unstable and supremely narcissistic accused rapist who’s left multiple organizations in disarray upon his unceremonious departure.  

Kansas City Chiefs (-7.5) at Denver Broncos

Fuck yeah, our first potential snow game of the year! The gametime forecast as of right now calls for 5-degree windchill temps with a 35-40 percent chance of flakes throughout. That sounds horrible to play in, but glorious to watch. If we don’t get at least one shot of steam rising off of an offensive lineman’s head I’m gonna be pissed. I’m curious to see what Kansas City does with newly acquired RB Le’Veon Bell in this game. He’s definitely played in more winter-weather games than my boy Clyde Edwards-Helaire, so do they give him more carries this week than they would normally? I hope not, but I can definitely see the argument for it.

San Francisco 49ers at New England Patriots (-3)

I’m a little shaken (relatively, I’m not a complete lunatic) by how shitty New England, and Cam Newton in particular, looked against Denver last week. The lack of practice time due to multiple COVID-related outbreaks is a valid reason for it, but still. I think the Niners are the much better team when healthy, but they’re gonna be missing their best RB Raheem Mostert for this game (and the next few), which does impede their power-run game somewhat. Backup Jerick McKinnon is still very good, he just has a different, less-demoralizing style. Handsome Jimmy will have to make some plays, and I think he can do just enough. The overall talent gap will be too much for NE to overcome, I fear.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Los Angeles Chargers (-7.5)

The Jags have lost five straight games coming into this one, while the Chargers have dropped four in a row. Something’s gotta give! I will say that the Jacksonville losses seem more depressing (3 of them were by double-digits), while even though L.A. is losing, they at least feel exciting. A shiny rookie QB who looks decent will do that, I guess. Still, I’m riding with my man Minshew to cover one last time here. If he fails, well, I think it’ll be time for us to go our separate ways. “Separate Ways” by Journey is also what plays in Gardiner Minshew’s helmet speaker instead of play calls, coincidentally. 

SNF: Seattle Seahawks (-3.5) at Arizona Cardinals

Seattle’s already abysmal secondary is going to be down Pro Bowl safety Jamal Adams for this one, so Cards QB Kyler Murray should be able to sling it around with relative ease. His best weapon, WR Deandre Hopkins is Questionable with a lingering ankle injury, but he’s been playing through it so far and it hasn’t seemed to slow him much. I think this is the week the magic runs out for the Seahawks, and they take their first L of the season. Russell Wilson can’t bail them out EVERY time. Probably. This game is likely to be the stylistic opposite of the Monday nighter, because...

MNF: Chicago Bears at Los Angeles Rams (-6)

...all signs point to this being a butt-ugly game. I like good defense, don’t get me wrong, but nobody should purposely watch Nick Foles and Jared Goff play QB against competent defenses. I suppose I can see some entertainment value in getting to see both Aaron Donald and Khalil Mack torment quarterbacks in the same game, but I think I’m gonna pass for the same reason that I don’t really like to watch animals get eaten in nature shows. I get that it’s the way things are meant to happen, but damn. I’m a real wimp, by the way.

Last Week’s Record: 7-7

Season Record: 44-38-4