#but thats iT i only did this bc im sick and miserable and it made me significantly less LMFAO

[toxooz]

finished a page early so im allowed to finish one (1) Ollie wip as a treat

[snzinthewild]

SICK FIC YAY

Messy warning, description of mess

Luke and Ryan have been together for 2 years and moved in together a month ago

Luke completely invested in the movie didnt notice Ry had fallen asleep until the end credits rolled on screen

"Can you believe that ending... Ry bug hey you sleeping, baby hey come on lets go to bed"

Ryan barely opened his eyes but enough to see the floor and move as Luke guided him. Once Ry gained some of his barings back he could feel again the ache in his body and the pounding in his temples. He just wanted to get into bed and pass out. And thats exactly what he did, he climbed right into bed and under the covers. Luke still getting ready for bed as Ry takes some meds to help him sleep, and luke climbs into bed.

"Good night baby"

"Good night Ry love you"

"Love you more"

Ry turns into luke and he wraps his arms around him. Ry falls asleep within minutes and shortly after Luke also falls alseep. The two sleep for 4 hours before Ry nose deicides to be a pain and bother him in the night

"HXGT EH AH HHEXTH" Ry stiles as best he can, trying not to wake up Luke. But he feels miserable and just wants to be held by his love. And go back to sleep but his head is pounding and body shivers from head to toe as his body temperature shifts from hot to cold.

"EHHH AHHH HXGHT HEETUSH HX'SGT urg"

He tried really hard to be quiet but his head was trobbing and stifleing only made it worse. In an attempt to grab a tissue, ryan knocked over the glass of water he used to take his sleep meds which clearly are not working.

"Fuckd no'b please" he starts crying and the words dont make much sense anymore.

He reaches down to pick it up and lucky there was no water left but the downward movement awoke an all fimlarr tickle that came rushing back into his nose with a vengeance. With absolutely no warning

"Ahh AACCCHHOOOO EEECCHHHOOO HHHEEETTUUSSSHHH" Ry was bent in half at the mercy of his leaking messy nose.

"Baby.....ry are you okay"

"AHHH EHHH HH HHHEEETTTUISH AAHHHEEESUICH EHHH ehh urg ehhh HHHEETUI'STSH AHHHH...AAACHHHHOOOOO"

"bless you bug"

Ry turns around to look at luke "imb sorry I wokep you upb" the congestion is filling up his nose, he clears his throat "I tiredb to be quiet"

"Oh" luke chuckles alittle "you look awful, i cant imagine how you must feel baby and be as loud as you want" he smiles and brings a hand to Ryans face.

"Imb fine" ry gets cut off by coughing and luke rubs his back

"Totally yeah ur fit as a fiddle" he feels his forehead which is burning up

"Babe Imb just tired and *sniff* the windmdow is open"

"You have a fever"

"I run warmb" he sniffles thickly and clears his throat

"Uhmm sure, come here" ry crawls into lukes open arms and holds him until he falls asleep which is almost instantly.

"Feel better love" Luke whispers, kiss his forehead, before passing out as well.

Hours later, sun has risin

Alarm goes off and Ryans head is throbbing at the piercing noise. He groans and tries to cover his ears from the noise. Luke barely awake turns off the alarm and gets up to go to the bathroom, after a flush and a quick flacet noise, the covers russell as he gets back in bed. Ryan turns and burries his head into luke who wraps his arm around him and hugs him tight

The alarm ring again, luke groans and reaches a hand over to turn it off. Ry groans in pain from the ringing in his head that has increased due to the alarm. In an attempt to turn off the alarm luke knocks his phone under the bed, forcing him to fully get out of bed. Ryan groans as Luke shifts away.

"Pleaseb turn it off" ryan sniffles and then coughs until he can barely breathe anymore.

"I am baby dont worry" luke now standing turning off all alarms and setting his phone back down. "I need to get some medicine in you, ill be right back with some and a thermometer bc im sure *luke reaches and touches ry's forehead* yep your burning up" ryan leans into lukes touch and falls alittle as he leaves. Ryan is left in a miserable ball under serval blankets. He is so cold and sweating at the same time. His head still throbbing and the congestion is building in his sinuses. His nose is so stuffed and wont stop running.

"Grrraarrr imb cant breathe" ry grabs the box of tissues off the nightstand and blows his nose trying to clear something anything, but atlas nothing, however it did bring a intense tickle to his nose. He grabs another tissue in anticipation of the impending explosion.

"Ahh a-aaah eehhhhh aaahhh imb ahh i - gon aahh a nna ahhh ACHHOOOOO ACHITSH HESTISCH sneeze ahhh EEHESTUISH AAAACHHHOOO" ry is mess, he destroyed the tissues, theres a snot string from his nose to his hand, both nostrils are dripping with snot, both hands are covered.

"Bless you baby" luke says alittle louder since he is in the bathroom. Waking out into the room with the stuff in his hands, he sees the state Ryan is in and rushes over "wow big ones huh bug*chuckles* here i got you" luke puts the stuff down half haziderly, grabs many tissues, bringing them to rys nose. Cleaning the snot string from his nose to his hands, with. Few more tissues he cleans ry up and then grabs and few more tissues "blow". Ry does as luke says even tho he knows its going to be really messy which it was.

"Thank you" sniffles "but you didbnt havfe to dob that, imb gross" ry starts tearing up

"Ry bug are you crying, whats wrong i mean except for your obvious plague?" Luke places a hand on rys cheek, wipes away a few tears.

Through sniffled tears "imb gross, a mess its embarrassing i-" luke cuts him off

"I dont care how gross you are, i love you"

"So you admit imb gross"

"Yes, but your my gross boy"

Ry giggles and sniffles before coughing harshly towards the bed. Luke brings him into his arms, hold him, rubs his back.

"Okay fineb i feel miserable, everything hurts, i cant breathe out of my nose, imb so cold *sniffles* when are you going to work?" Ry sniffles thickly and wipes his nose on his sleeve, well technically lukes swearshirt sleeve that ry wears anytime he doesnt feel good, so its a clear indicator when sowmthing is wrong.

Ry is radiating heat and he's cold, luke throught as he grabs the therometer he threw down earlier.

"Im working from home, now open up" ry obeys and opens his mouth, waits for the beep which rings in at.... "Yikes 102.9, no wonder you feel awful, here take some medicine i have Tylenol and some sort of cold-flu cough medicine that should help with the fever as well" luke grabs one and dumps out the recommended amount hands it to ry.

"Im out of water" ry turns his head to look at the empty cup on the ground from last night.

"Okay no problem i will go get you some more" luke grabs the glass and leaves

"Okay here you go" luke hands the glass to ry to take the pills, and luke prepares the next ones.

After ry is medicated, he curls up into Luke. He yawns and coughs alittle, closing his eyes.

"Get some rest bug, feel better" luke kisses his forehead and rubs his back, as he falls alseep.

-few hours pass-

Ry is breathing heavy through his mouth as he sleeps on Luke chest, he is watching tv. He needs to get up and go to his desk to stsrt work but Ryan is sleeping so peacfully and he doesnt want to disturb him.

-another hour-

Luke has to start work now and he slides out underneath Ryan and settles him up to the pillow and pulls the covers to tuck him in.

"Sleep well love, ill be right nexr door" luke wispered to ry and kisses his forehead. He tidied up the night stand so the water and tissues were easily accessible to him. His phone also there if he wakes up and needs to knows where luke is, he can see luke texted him 'im in the office, next door'.

Luke turned off the TV, closed the blinds to make it as dark as possible so that his baby could sleep.

Part 2 coming soon!!!

Hope you enjoyed

#may be some spelling errors, I cant English #love me some dyslexia #anywho part 1 of LukexRyan #OCs # part 2 coming soon #messyfic

[pumpkinsy0]

Ahaha guess who isn’t coping well rn? Me!

Context: today my period came and now I feel all nauseous and sad. But I solider on and went to do some shopping for some food. Issue? my dad also had like a bad day cause of his meeting. So when he found out I didn’t get his like alcohol he got mad. Not like SUPER mad more like passive aggressive mad??

I feel TERRIBLE because I made his day worse. But I’m also just sad right now. I love my dad so much but I feel like sometimes he just CAN’T be there for me. I can’t always ask for loving because he’ll think I’m being weird or needy. Or when I have a bad day, he’s also having a bad day. So I need to suck it up and act fine cause HE needs to let his feelings out. And I just- I just want my dad. I want him to hug him, I want to not have to earn his love, I just— I want him to stop being angry.

SORRY!! I’m venting majorly hard rn and that’s silly and stupid. But I was hoping you could do HC’s of this for one of the Curtis Gang Members. Maybe how that character would handle this. Maybe they’ll have better luck then me.

hey anon!!! im sorry to hear what ur goin through, u dont deserve it, so dont beat urself up!!! ur living ur own life and u shouldnt feel ashamed that u couldnt help someone else live theirs, plus bad day or not, no matter what it doesnt give someone the right to treat u poorly, its not ur fault!!! not even in the slightest!!!! ur sick on too of that, if ur dad cant show some compassion for that, hes the problem

BUT ITS OK!! its not silly or stupid, ur perfectly fine!!!

w all that said letsssss go w fem two bit w her dad here!! (yes this is genderswapped, but lets just say for this sake, twos dad and mom r the same and didnt swap genders)

•two loves her dad, which she knows is pretty odd considering hes one of the biggest con man she knows and even cons her sometimes but she just cannot help it no matter how many times shes mad at him

•two constantly feels like she needs to prove herself to him in order to get him to say “atta girl”, and in a twisted way, she really does but not really???

•two dad doesnt love her completely, but he does love her to a certain extent, he mostly loves what he can do FOR him and to a smaller extent loves her for her, thats guaranteed

•ANYWAYS, two’s sick and her dad got back home from this one con he tried doing that absolutely fucking busted, he got home and he was already annoyed, anything could set him off

•now he had this other thing planned, what was it??? till this day two doesnt know, BUT he told her to steal something for him, only problem is, she didnt get the right one, and she thought he would at least commend her for getting it, bc it was no easy feat, but she showed it to him, and he didnt go off on her, but she did see a look of disappointment and anger before he up and left to go to the couch, which made her feel worse

•for a good while, when he saw her around the house, he would make a comment about something she did, and it got to a point where two just couldnt take it and locked herself in her room till her mom came home late at night from work, just to avoid seeing him

•two mom HATES them hanging out the way they do and can always tell when something happened so when she sees twos dad at the table drinking and grumbling and twos door locked, she knows whats up and tries comforting two but it doesnt work, twos just beating herself up, so twos mom goes to her dad

•all two heard was yelling, it wasnt for long, maybe for 10 mins, but she ended up going to sleep to escape, she was just tired, hungry, and thirsty

•next day, he dad took her out, but it was so weird, bc its one of the only times hes seen him be hesitant near her, well with anyone really

•he drove her around town for a bit trying to make conversation, but failing miserably, and two knew he was trying to apologize, horrendously and in his own way, but he was trying, and to her that felt like enough, felt like a lot actually

[chronic-gastro-illness-culture]

I feel really alone and embarrassed dealing with chronic constipation (and diarrhoea from laxatives that I need to take). I also have a chronic fissure and hemmeroids. It is so painful and I don't know what to do.

that is a rlly difficult thing to live w

i dont wanna sound like im punching down or anything bc its not like any disability or chronic illness is any kind of “well off” in society but there definitely is an added stigma of having a digestive disorder

within reason bc anyone who has a chronic illness/es has ppl in there life who dont understand the ‘chronic’ in chronic illness ppl w chronic migraines or ear aches or pain or fatigue can talk abt what they r going thru even if ppl dont always understand but beyond saying “tummy hurtyy :(“ or saying ur n* or feel s* to ur stomach or vaguely indicating u r experiencing vague intestinal discomfort ppl w chronic digestive disorders rlly cant be fully open abt all the pain n suffering n even the celebrations like being constipated n finally being able to take a shit bc there is so much stigma n taboo abt “bathroom stuff”

like constipation for example is more then just cant shit it causes a whole list of physical symptoms from bloating cramps n* thats persistent n its just a miserable time n all that lain effects ur mood n mental health too

n when ppl who have other chronic disorders say things like my migraine is gone or my ear ache is gone or my flare up is over or today is a low fatigue/pain day then ppl celebrate w them yk they share in that victory but if u go around as a person who deals w constipation n say hey i finally got to poop :D ppl r like ew thats tmi i dont wanna know what u did in the bathroom

n that shame is compounded for people w chronic gastro disorders bc not only r u dealing w the inherent shame n ableism of having a chronic illness n ppl getting frustrated w u bc ur sick all the time again bc they dont understand the ‘chronic’ in chronic illness or think ur faking or exaggerating etc but then theres the extra layer of shame of having a digestive disorder n the very nature of ur chronic illness being viewed as inherently disgusting n taboo n unsanitary

n i made this blog bc sometimes u rlly do gotta be the change u wanna see in the world hahaha

anyways i cant do much for ur physical pain but ive added “#constipation” as a tag n queued up some specific constipation related posts so u can see others deal w it too n ur not alone

[birbfeeder2artisticboogaloo]

thousand autumns donghua, episode 7~

things are not looking great for shen qiao. first he's betrayed by his shidi, then he's accosted by this old man who wants to bang him, now he's left his old sect behind... rip bby 😔 the old man is enjoying his sorry state a bit TOO much lol WHAT HOW DID HE MAKE THAT FLOWER EXPLODE??? HOLY SHIT HE MADE PETALS INTO A FLOWER AND THEN BROKE IT??? THATS SO COOL??? oh uhhhh there's something about a ring, good and evil, and clearing out mt xuandu or sth idk *shrug* yws: A-QIAO I HEARD U HAVE THAT GAY THOUGHT. SHARE IT A-QIAO. SHARE UR GAY THOUGHTS WITH ME. >:) now the old man and shen qiao are on a date. let's see if shen qiao will be allowed to drink without coughing or eat without fighting anyone :D damn nicholas cage is LOOSE in the jianghu, i can't believe he's just going round taking ppl's faces…….off ;A; ITS HARD TO CONCENTRATE WHEN SO MANY PPL TALK AT ONCE, AND THE SUBTITLES SHOW ME THE DIALOGUE FOR BOTH. PLS ....aaaaaand it's no dinner for shen qiao. AGAIN. smh 😩 oh god he's being a menace again. the old man, not nicholas cage. although nicholas cage also being a menace too somewhere out there is certainly possible, idk yws: oh?? ur gonna go ''''practise'''' alone in ur room??? when u could ''''practise'''' with ME instead???? >;DDD shen qiao: u are being kind of annoying :/ a lot of yws's dialogue are just hums of varying tones to express varying amounts of disdain and horny. i respect that shen qiao constantly being dismissed bc of his appearance is both frustrating and hilarious. esp when he gets the chance to LAY THE SMACKDOWN on his bullies 💪😤 WOO FIGHT SCENE! HELL YEAH! GO SHEN QIAO!!! SHOW THAT XIAOZI WHAT'S UP!!! oh!! he apologised! what a nice young man, he learnt a lesson! good for him! i take back what i said, ur not a brat 😊 DAMN RIGHT BEING NICE IS NOT BEING A PUSHOVER. THANK U FOR SAYING SO!! LISTEN TO SHEN QIAO, HE'S CORRECT!! gasp!! it's MY SON!! YU SHENGYAN!!! (see i remembered his name this time. all on my own. i'm LEARNING y'all) oh my gOD THAT FREAK WANTS HIS FACE!! LET GO OF MY SON'S FACE U MONSTER!! huo xijing: here is ur friend's face lol. i did u a favour, can i have urs too?? lol yws: ONLY I MAY KILL YU SHENGYAN AND PEEL OFF HIS FA--did u just. did u just call me old WHY IS EVERYONE OBSESSED WITH HOW HOT SHEN QIAO IS??? i mean they're right BUT THEY ALL KEEP TALKING ABOUT IT, IT'S SO STRANGE???? hxj: ooh a pretty boy, i'll take his face instead! :D sq: no :/ oh jesus who's this now?? too many new friends at once, im overwhelmed, im so confused ;A; AH!! yuan xiuxiu!! she's a LADY SECT LEADER??? i didn't know they had those!!! oh but the poor thing hasn't even got any shoes, how sad smh 😔 somebody fetch her a pair of slippers or something, this is so sad omg 😔 yxx: tee hee, im seductive and pretty~ yws: back off, tart, im gay >:( awww shen qiao wants to avenge that poor tortured lass ;A; he's such a good man, i really like him a lot ;A; i love how huo xijing is willing to literally peel faces off of human skulls, but the SECONDsomebody had him at a disadvantage, it's 'uuuuwww shen-laoshi, have mercyyy on meeeee uwu' GOT EM!!! GOOD ONE SHEN QIAO!!! U SHOWED HIM SHEN QIAO!!! 💪😤 yxx: how dare u kill my pet murderer??! *attacks the sick man* yws: BACK OFF BITCH, HE'S MINE D:< AWW HE'S HE'S MAKING SURE SHEN QIAO IS OK??? THAT'S SO CUTE????? the old man doesn't know it yet, but he's totally gonna fall in love for real and he's gonna be MISERABLE and im gonna laugh SO HARD >:D i look forward to ur suffering, yan wushi!! 😄

[ooglywooglies]

been watching some capital T videos lately

bc writers i like are making good videos today its abigail philosophy tube and just a very very very short mention of "it would be easier not to change, yeah and then kill yourself at 35" i like that thats where her number is, bc on the flip side i watch alexander avila as well and he was talking about trans kids and being trans as a kid and how he might not be around if he wasnt able to transition so young and im happy for him yknow but for a long time ive been feeling so sick and ill about not having the ability to transition, im 28 and i DID know i was trans since i was 7 and i HAVE made attempts at my own life before but sometimes it doesnt feel like its enough for anyone to see me as "worth saving" because i didnt die as a teenager, bc i lived passed that phase of my life and im not in danger of doing it again

not yet at least i am still threatening to get to that point if i cant do something about my transition within like idk i think ive given it only a couple of years because trust me i AM fucking miserable i AM fucking desperate as ive ever been

but the point is ive grown a bit resentful of everyone talking about trans health care saving lives in terms specifically of suicide in teenagers bc sometimes those kids fail and then they get put on a shelf and turn into someone like me who never got saved yknow like, it feels like my life only has value when its in danger of ceasing, it feels like its in danger to me, i still want to be saved, i dont want to HAVE to kill myself just to get some urgency around here

this isnt about any individual btw like its literally no ones fault its just some like vague feelings ive been having yknow

[oflgtfol]

sorry i feel like after every single migraine i have i need to do a self reflection afterward

holy shit so i woke up. at 2am like i said i would and my migraine is gone im still kinda weird so im gonna go back to sleep to make sure its entirely gone bc being on my phone again is making me wary of it returning but like. my 2am estimate was spot on LMAO

But anyway uhm my real holy shit moment is the fact that. this was the very first migraine ive ever experienced where i never got sick. which kind of made it miserable because i normally cope with migraines by, uhm TMI + emetophobia warning, but i normally cope with the pain because puking makes the pain stop for a few minutes, and thats normally when im finally able to fall asleep, so i normally spend the entire migraine mostly sleeping and then just waking up briefly to puke again and then go back to sleep, and then over the course of the next 6 hours each time i wake up the pain gradually weakens until its gone. but when i dont puke its just pain and pain and theres no relief it took me two entire hours to finally fall asleep today and i was even like rocking bakc and forth trying to make myself nauseous to puke to get some relief but it just wouldnt happen im surprised i even fell asleep within two hours but i did and i slept right through until 2am and now my migraines gone.

this sort of happened with the last migraine i had except if i rememeber correctly i did puke, but only once, and it was after that one time that i was able to sleep the rest off, and that happened about an hour into it but it was still a miserable hour. and again even just getting sick only one time is an outlier for me

i did take excedrin right at the beginning of my migraine today, which my mom has been using for her own migraines, and she also got me to take it last time as well, so im wondering if the excedrin is whats making my migraines less intense in terms of getting sick. and also the pain hasnt been as bad as it normally is, but again its still a migraine so its still Bad, so i still kinda wanna get sick just for relief. bur when the pain is its normal level then i like NEED to get sick so i can get relief. so i guess in exchange for not getting sick, i get less pain as well, but its like, it kinda makes it more of a miserable experience than a normal migraine because i dont get any relief. so i dont know i have mixed feelings about excedrin if its gonna make it harder for me to sleep off my migraines which is my main way of coping with it

bur then the other part of me is wondering, this frequency of migraines is really new and abnormal. im normally on a strict 2 year schedule, my last on-schedule migraine was in fall 2021 i wasnt scheduled for another migraine until fall 2023, but then i got one in october 2022, i think i got one again sometime a month or two after that, and now here i am again in march 2023, like three migraines in a row in a year that i wasnt even scheduled to have a single migraine in. some part of me is worried it might be an effect of accutane but hopefully since im off it now and its getting out of my system i’ll make my way back to my old schedule (if it even is a side effect of accutane) cuz like it sucks getting one this frequently, although its still not as bad as people who have like actual chronic migraines like my mom who gets one every 2-3 weeks, or others who get them even more frequently than that. but it still sucks yknow lol

the only other thing i can think of that might be causing migraines more frequently is that like. either my chronic sleep deprivation is catching up to me, or like. shits so bad im seriously wondering if every little thing wrong with me lately can be like a physical side effect of having severe depression like im seriously about to google if depression can make migraines worse cuz i dont know anything anymore. especially because i was in such a shit ass fucking mood this morning and then lo and behold migraine

so anyway im also wondering if maybe just the fact that these migraines are off schedule might be making them weaker than my normal ones. like my 2 year schedule ones are the mega migraines the things that last 6-8 hours, the ones that cause the huge entire, UNMISTAKABLE auras that cover my whole vision (rather than my wimpy ones lately that have me doubting if its an aura at all until its already almost over), the ones that have me bedridden within minutes of the aura ending, the ones that have the worst pain of my life and make sick like every 20 minutes, etc. And then maybe these off schedule ones, since theyre off schedule, might be weaker, have me sick less offen and with less pain, and tend to be slightly shorter than normal, etc? but i dont know it probably is just the excedrin causing the difference

[whatsnothappening]

stopped my last entry bc i didnt really have much to say but heres whats up PT.2

So i thought id send him a text. "happy new years dad, i love you and miss you. i hope you have a good night" ... nothing. i dont get a single text. normally he either calls right after and makes sure that i am okay and that i am having fun. just nothing. i text my mom and she is all smiles and having fun. a few days go by after new years. i dont know if it was someone in the group or someone at the bar but we all ended up with covid. i also, was just dealing with shit mentally. i dont know if it was because of the new year and i felt like i had to have my life figured out and have this drawn out plan or maybe it was the weird shit with my dad. i have no clue. but i was mentally fucked. my dad sends me a weird text just saying that he hasnt heard from me (yes you have) and that i seemed weird on christmas (well duh) i text back explaining that i have had a rough time mentally recently and that i am sick....nothing..again. i am livid at this point. all of the times that i have supported him and made sure to hype him up and have deep conversations with him and talk about our future and our goals just as humans and how to be better. just fueled me up more. i was done. so done. then fastforward again, i am finally feeling good enough to go back to work. i was pretty much sick for all of januarary. plus me and my friend were going to the gym and i was just riding a high. well i am at work a nice pretty busy day, i have a quite a few requests. well in comes my step mom. she asks for the keys to my car? she says she just has goodies for me and wants to leave them in there and to try them on and let her know if i like them or not. i thought it was EXTREMELY random, but fuck ill take free clothes lol. she asks me how ive been i say good and apologize for not being around and explains that i was very sick and that this round of covid royally kicked my ass. well she goes on home and tells my father who i guess gets pissed that i did tell him i was sick and writes me a shit ass text about how i dont reach out to him. well it goes both ways bud. you have no issue texting my husband about golf? whatever. anywhoooo.. hes come around and has started reaching out again. and we have been texting. well i would love to spend time with him and all of us have a family day but my ass is sick yet again. so i dont know. i am just so happy that he is reaching out again. she wanted me to have a conversation with him about the drinking but i truly dont feel that i need too... mainly because i have seen the signs that i need to look out for when he is going through it. i havent seen any of those. i lived with that my hole child hood i can notice this shit with only spending 5 minutes with him. and she does tend to be a bit dramatic. seriously... so i am going to take it with a grain of salt and just make sure that he is happy and catch up with him and make plans to spend time together. it just really is important to me. i hate the saying. but i am 100% a daddys girl. i love my dad so much. so anytime i get to spend with him is so important and so fun. i think thats one reason why christmas was so miserable for me because literaly any time with my father is an amazing time. its always so fun and so positive. i mean he is just such a positive fun guy. so me being so miserable and feeling uncomfortable and not being able to spend time with him. that fucking sucked. but hey one of my resolutions this year was to start thinking postively and stop dwelling on the negative shit. its hard to keep up with that but im getting better at it. but ontop of that, im really proud of myself because i have started going back to the gym! i missed a couple of weeks due to being sick. but i am still motivated to go! one thing i want to work on is discipline more than motivation. you can have all the motivation in the world to do something and still not succeed at it. you need to have the discipline to really give it your all and be consistent. and discipline is one thing i 100% lack. but ill get there. today is wednesday. continued-

[wongiemei]

Roommate!Jeno

a/n: maybe i should just turn this blog into an nct dream one

okay

letsgetit!

first of all,

story time!

your uni is fucking expensive and it’s more expensive if you live in the grounds

so you being the wise human,

you went to get an apartment near the campus

it was great and all since roommate!jaemin was paying for his stuff

you were both living respectively until he had to leave

the dumbass didnt even bother to tell you

one morning you just woke up and found his note

‘hey bitch! figured you were too much of a rock to wake up but i moved out! the family wants me to go back home and tend the restaurant’

the whole day yesterday, you were working

bc,,, yknow

broke college life

and you just walked in half asleep towards your room and fell asleep

so you didnt really see or notice

but were you freaking out bc your roommate suddenly moved out?

ofc you were freaking out

not only was your roommate gone,

how were you going to find a new one?!

jaemin expected your phone call that afternoon and he endured through all your screaming

‘babe, i’m just going to be gone for a year-or two’

‘oR tWO?!’

‘hun, my dad’s injured and his back can only let him do so much. ma’s working too much and i dont have any siblings to help. i figured i could just hold off college until my parents are ready’

ugh, jaemin is such a family boy

‘but jaems! you couldnt have at least told me that yOu wERe mOvING OuT?! and! rent is due soon! i can’t pay for that myself!’

jaemin couldve easily told you to warn yoy

but he didn’t want to tell you bc he couldnt handle you sad and didnt want to upset you

however, now jaemin really understands how shitty that move was

‘tell you what. i’ll pay for this month and make a few phone calls and i’ll get you set up with a new roommate, deal?’

knowing how much of a social butterfly he was, you agreed

ofc you trusted jaemin but part of you feared that he might pair you up with a freak

but he’s not that mean, is he?

you can definitely see renjun doing that but not jaemin

so there you are,,

sitting on your couch alone

without jaemin, your apartment felt really empty

its been a few days since he moved and you were miserable

jaemin hasn’t even texted you about that potential roommate

just as you were about to call him,,

your doorbell rang

you froze and you looked at the time

it was nearing 11 at night and you don’t remember ordering delivery

see,,

if jaemin was here,

he would answer it for you since you would be too scared to do it

but you mustered up your courage and peeped through the peep hole

the man was dressed in all black with a black mask and a black cap with his hood over it with a black hoodie and black pants

ngl, you were terrified and trembling

he rang it again and you jumped

typing out a quick text to jaemin saying ‘hey bub, if i don’t text you in an hour, that means ive been kidnapped so call the police’

you grabbed a pan from the cupboard and gulped before you opened the door

thinking he would just walk forward and grab you, you closed your eyes and raised your pan over your head and swung

a shriek from in front of you made your eyes snap open and found the guy on the floor with a fetal position

you both just froze for like a phat minute

snapping back to reality, you held the pan in front of you

‘if youre going to kidnap me, i got a pan and im not afraid to hit you with it!’

you tried to sound intimidating but your voice was shaking so much

the guy stood up and he took off his hat and the mask to reveal a blonde haired kid

okay, so you were sHOokETh

damn! this boy is fine!

he gave you a shaky smile and held out his hand

‘hi! i’m lee jeno! you must be y/n? jaemin told me you had an opening for a roommate?’

now you noticed the two duffle bags at the side

the embaressment and the shame settled in slowly and you found yourself burning up

nodding, you motioned him to come in

jeno awkwardly walked in and was amazed at how big the layout was with the low rent

‘yea, its kinda hard to believe that we only pay that much. at first i thought there was a ghost in here and that’s why its so cheap’

you tried to make small conversation but laughed weirdly at jeno’s slightly terrified face

‘no! there really is not ghost here! ive lived here for a year and there hasnt been anything so please dont understand! please be my roommate!’

you begged and jeno thought you were weird

but jaemin was right, you were weirdly adorable in a way

so that’s how you and jeno became apartment buddies!

now onto the good stuff!

so, jeno is a vv clean guy

like he’s the type to just pick up a wrapper in the street and throw it in the garbage

so naturally, he likes to keep the apartment as tidy and neat as possible

but you being a mess you are,

you usually leave a lot of things everywhere

lets just say you have a short memory

‘oh? how did that get there?’

eventually, jeno gets sick of it and he confronts you with it

ofc you understand and you actually try to be better

since jeno is literally the most perfect roommate

maybe even better than jaemin

(but don’t tell him that)

jeno is the type to re-stock the pantry with snacks and the fridge with ice cream

since youre both college students, ramen is practically always available in the house 24/7

he also makes the coffee every morning since he works early and wakes up first

even though he doesn’t like the drink and prefers milk, he still notices how you survive off of coffee

babie likes to pick you up some iced americano while he gets a frappe

you on the other hand,,

you’re very surprised

when you got to bed after showing jeno around,

you messaged jaemin

ofc he was worried af and was blowing up your phone

‘WHAT?!’

‘bitch answer the damn phone!’

‘whatthe fuck is happening?!’

‘i need to know if you’re still alive!’

‘oh fuck i shouldnt have moved out’

smiling softly at how worried he was, you responded to him

‘you hoe, it hasnt been an hour yet so chillax. i’m alive, unfortunately, and i just met my new roommate. again, thanks for the heads-up. youre so bad at those. i literally thought he was a burgular or a kidnapper. but he seems chill and emo. just my type.’

but jeno is F A R from C H I L L

oh my goodness,,

hes a crackhead

theres this sound he makes when he’s confused and you couldnt figure out if its cute or weird or if he’s doing this on purpose or thats just how he is

you and him basically communicate with memes

sometimes, at the weird hours at night, he sends you a dumbass meme

you cant help but snort 

also, you promised to take jaemin out to dinner to repay him for the great roommate

‘hes literally one of the best people youll ever meet. it just so happen he needed a place to sleep. now you owe me’

hes a science major while you were a computer major

he basically brings home weird stuff to analyze and it just hella stinks

but hes considerate enough to actually put it outside

whenever he’s focused, he talks to himself or the thing he’s analyzing

‘okay mr. fishy. your scales are really big and its bigger than average’

its so cute

oof also!

jeno doesnt have a job yet he always makes rent on time with extra money to spare

he even sometimes buys you stuff saying, ‘they reminded me of you’

for your birthday, he bought you a pearl necklace that mustve costed thousands

at first, you thought he was a chaebol or smth

which you wouldve been vv jealous of bc youre a struggling college student who works at the coffee shop

but, you were answered when you caught him walking in half-dazed and half-asleep with cuts all over his face

it was like 2 in the morning and you were pulling an all-nighter for some project and wanted to get a glass of water

but here he is, hood up, lip busted, black eye, cheek cut

you shrieked and ushered him to sit on the dining chair

thinking he got mugged or something, you start drilling him questions

‘hun, if you were beat up, we need to call the police! this is illegal!’

but jeno chuckles and brushes the stray hairs out of your face as you tend to his lip

‘pls dont. if you do, ill be broke and i wont have money to pay rent then i cant be your roommate anymore’

cue confused y/n

‘wUT?’

‘if i dont make money, youll kick me out and youll have to find another roommate. i dont want you to go through that hassle again’

ofc you were flattered that even during this situation, hes still thinking about you

‘how is this making money?!’

‘i cant believe youre oblivious to so many things. i thought for sure youve caught on.’

more confusion

‘eXCUse mE, lEE JEno? since when have you started coming home with all these things in your face?’

you were worried that this wasnt the first time this happened

but if you think hard about it, thats why he always wears his mouth masks and he always has his blonde fringe down and sometimes wears sunglasses even though its cloudy outside

‘ohmygod lee jeno are you in a gang?!’

jeno was shocked that you came to that conclusion but laughed at how adorable you were rn

with your wide eyes and mouth open

‘nah, bro. i box. its the only way i can make easy money.’

‘but,,, why did you hide this from me? if you needed money i couldve helped you’

he looked at you skeptically

‘sis, you could barely afford that muffin the other day’

lee jeno now looked different from the jeno you met the first day

What you thought to be an innocent little squish was a fighter at night

‘yah, can-um-you need to take this off’

you mumbled while tugging on his sweatshirt

he nodded and slipped it off

he explained why he came late when he first moved

‘i had a late night match and yknow,, school and all, i barely had enough time to come'

as you dab the wound, you try to make small talk to distract yourself

 ‘so,, youve been boxing this whole time?’

you asked, trying not to get distracted to the way his tight shirt clung to him, showing his defined body

there were bruises up and down his arms and his knuckles were busted

‘yea. i have been since senior high. gotta make money, yknow?’

‘but jen, you can work in coffee shops or at local bookstores. its not worth seeing you busted up like this’

your lips trembled at the thought of him being beaten up too hard to the point he gets into a coma

jenos eyes widened at your wobbling lips and he softly cupped your face

‘hey, im okay and ill be fine. you dont have to worry about me. i usually win, anyways’

his confidence made you chuckle

‘i trust you, lee jeno. just make sure to make it home to me every night.’

‘i know you do and i will. always.”

ever since then,

youve become his little caretaker

youve informed jaemin of what hes been doing and he knew but didnt want you to judge him immediately

smh, jaemin really sucks at informing people

but jeno tries to help you keep up

he even sends you texts that hes fighting that night and your little ‘fighting!’ always makes him smile

his manager and friend, chenle, noticed that hes starting to smile more

chenle likes boxing and wants to be a part of it but doesnt want to be hurt

so,, what better to be the manager of his friend

‘yah, hyung. what’s got you giggly today?’

jeno pointed to the screen and giggled at the little good luck gif you sent

his eyes turned to crescents and chenle smirked

‘wah, you like her, don’t you?’

at the mention of ‘like’, his smile dropped and he shook his head

‘no. of course not. shes just a friend.’

chenle being chenle,,

he continues to prod

‘okay. so every night, you make it your priority to make sure you’re home by 2 in the morning for your friend’

smh, chenle youre so annoying

but hes so right

ever since you caught him,

hes been making sure he gets home at the same time 

he sends you a text that hes on his way and you set your ringtone at a very high volume so you wake up and take care of him

during fights, he makes it his sole mission to make out of this alive and a winner for you

but that never crossed his mind as his feelings for you

he just thought of it as making you not worry for him

but then, he starts to think about your stupid little habits

the way you make this face whenever you dont understand

or when you still leave little post-it notes everywhere with ideas you come up with

he noticed it all and he loves them

‘hOLy ShIT!’

that night was when he realized his feelings for you and he was so dedicated on finishing it that he quickly won and he dashed home with his money

bursting through the door, you looked at him with wide and startled eyes

‘what’s wrong?’

you came running but he scooped you up to a hug

ok you were confused but relieved that he was home and alright

jeno looked at your face and wanted to confess but chickened out at the sight of you

you were so good to him and honestly, he doesnt deserve you

(his thoughts, not mine)

‘i-i’

he stuttered and you motioned him to continue

‘i won!’

he shouted and you congratulated him, even though he literally won all the time

guiding him to the chair, you began to dab his cuts

(dab that bitch)

‘im starting to think that your opponents either really suck or youre like the god of boxing’

he didnt know how to take that but blushed red at the mention of him being a ‘god of boxing’

‘nah, im just good’

you eyed him and smiled

he continued to watch you heal him and inspected your face

heavy eyebags and sunken cheeks, it mustve been a long night

he felt a pang in his chest thinking that you push your stuff away just to help him

‘you dont have to keep doing this for me, yknow’

you halt and look at him seriously

‘i know i dont. but i cant sleep at night thinking youre in pain and alone when i can be there for you’

even though he just realized it, jeno was pretty sure he fell in love with you a long time ago

but if it was possible, he fell in love with you even more

‘thank you’

his soft voice filled the silence and you vowed that you will always be there for him whenever he needs help

a few days later, jeno hasnt been to a fight

sure you were worried at what was going on in his head but partly relieved that you dont have to see him so battered anymore

but this was so un-jeno

just as you were about to talk to him about it, he announces he got a job at the bookstore down the street

‘huh? i thought you didnt want to work’

you question while he looked sheepish

‘i realized that i was starting to become a burden since you take care of me every time. so i thought i should quit and get a regular job. besides, it doesnt hurt as much’

he laughed but you didnt react

‘lee jeno, you gave up boxing and the money,,, for me?’

he nervously looked up at you and you noticed the redness of his cheeks

‘i-well-if you put it that way’

‘listen to me, im flattered and i truly love that you dont want to get beaten up anymore. but i dont want you to quit something you like because of me'

‘but you always take care of me and push your priorities away to clean me up. i dont do anything in return and i dont think its fair!’

he argued and a soft smile crept up your face

‘yah, lee jeno'

your voice became a whisper

‘it doesnt matter to me if you dont do anything in return bc i dont see this as a favor. you are mine to take care of and i will do anything for you, you understand that?’

he looked at you in shock after hearing your response

he also turned red at the mention of him being yours

‘so-but-i dont think-'

he stutters but you place your hands on his arms making him stop

‘all i ask is you to come back home, to come back to me'

by now, yall were blushing

even though it might not sound like it,

but yall just indirectly confessed to each other

yall stared at the ground and jeno looks up, biting his lip

‘hey, y/n, can i make it up to you with some coffee?’

your head darted up and looked at him with wide eyes

‘like-like a date?’

it came out suddenly and you stepped back in surprise, cursing yourself

but jeno chuckled, eyes scrunching cutely

‘it'll be one of many'

lmao i didnt really like this but i made it at 2 in the morning and i kinda like boxer!jeno

[chi-----chi]

This is a post to no one bc idrk if anyone i used to talk to on tumblr or like anyone who follows me is still around but i just wanna share some shit bc this is my blog and i can🤷🏽‍♀️

I joined tumblr when i was like... 13 i think? It wasnt the first online thing i was super involved in. Before that I was on fanpop lol. Anyway, i really got into it bc it was a bunch of people involved in ‘geeky’ stuff and that wasnt normal in my small town. It made me feel really accepted and it was cool. I even made some cool friends (not a lot bc i feared talking to strangers lol) but it kinda fucked me up too?

Now im sure people have noticed and i really dont know if this is the case still cause i rlly only follow meme blogs but there eas a desire on this site to just be miserable during the first 3 years i was on here. Everybody wanted to be sad or offended by legitimately everything. It was fucked up but as a young kid (who had no business on this site honestly) this really influenced me. I felt that in order to fit in or just onderstand i kinda needed to be miserable?? I got myself into these deep depressed states and these awful mindsets because thats how the internet said i should be. I became withdrawn and I really think this mindset is really what triggered my social anxiety. (I kinda figured id get normal anxiety cause of genes but not social oof)

At first i had it in my head that i wasnt gonna talk to people bc i live in a small town and theyre ignorant and racist (my town is mostly half breeds and mexicans and i was an asshole). I kinda got this god complex??? Like somehow i was better bc i read a few posts on tumblr about new age issues. This hate kinda grew into fear tho. Like over the years instead of wondering what was wrong with people i started to wonder what was wrong with me? I started to fear anyone i saw laughing or even talking near me bc i assumed it was about me. I wouldnt talk to my friends if they were at a table with strangers bc i feared i would annoy them or they would dislike me. I sat alone during morning break my 9th grade year because i didnt want to disturb my friends at a table with like 2 strangers. I started thinking my friends hated me and even my family and... god i was alone and i didnt feel like this was right anymore?? Like at first i liked relating to all the edgy textposts and memes about hating others and being alone but it got to real.

I started getting breathing pains in 9th grade where i wouldnt be able to breath all the way in and i couldnt get enough air but ot faded. I got kinda good at talking to people again bit i was still scared. I would sit alone in most classes cause none of my friends had the same classes as me but that was cool because my safe haven was band first period and lunch and those two periods just really got me to kinda open up. I ended up becoming a section leader for band and thats a lotta strangers i gotta be in charge of but it was ok until my junior year. I started having the breathing pains again but it was different. I really couldnt get any air and it made me wanna faint. I ended up leaving in the middle of morning rehearsals one day and me and my mom went to the clinic. The dr examined my breathing and what not and determined that I had been having mini panic attacks. We finally got me started on some meds even tho my mom and dad werent sure but god they changed my life.

The rest of my junior year went well and me and my parents noticed a change right awwy. My fears feom before were just like poofed away. My senior year tho was the changer. I did so mich sit and had so much fun. I could just talk to people??? I could go up to someone and just talk to them??? I could call my own appointments or other lines. It was so new but at the same time i didnt even realise i was changing. I stopped getting on tumblr bc it was just bumming me out. I had this new perspective on life and god i was just so sick of being miserable and hating myself.

I love being me now. I love that i can talk and meet new people and go to new places withought fear. I feel so grounded and free to be me. Im not worried about impressing others or caring about if certain people will care what i posted or whatever. I was done worrying and hating and i was ready to be in the moment and be me for once in my life. I was finally feeling confident.

Im in college now and im happy. Im not afraid to stand up for myself anymore and im willing to ask questions in class. I can sit alone in my room for a day without me thinking im alone cause im hated. And i can get on tumblr again and look at funny poctures and reminisce in my old days of a fandom blogger and what not. It wasnt all bad, i made some really great friends and i may not talk to them but I remember them and I remember feeling acceptance from them which ment a lot to me back then. I also got just really informed on what was happening in the world and the issues within peoples lives and thats part of the reason i became and family and child sciences major.

Im happy about the person ive become and im ready for what else is to come. Thanks

[chainsawb0y]

hi sorry for not really doing much lately ive been kinda super out of it but when am i not anymore 

more venty stuff under the readmore tldr: shit sucks and im decorating my house and i hate myself the usual affairs if you read it all the way through i commend you for your dedication for wanting to know why im bummed out rn. this is basically like a long rambling thing that i kept adding shit to in random places

tw: dysphoria

i keep thinking about things and just feeling generally kinda bad about lots of shit and like it swings a lot from me feeling like happy and then just being totally fucking miserable at random all the time. i dont know what it is but its annoying the shit out of me. i feel like im ok like 10% of the time and then the other 60% is me feeling like shit and 30% trying to recover from feeling like shit 

ive been decorating my house too and thats been shit tbh my housemate gets stressed out and then takes it out on me but i cant afford to go anywhere else and id rather be dead than live with my mother and i just dont want to live in the city where my dad is

i want to do more stuff creatively this year but every time i pick up the pen i just think of my long term ambitions and realise this website isnt exactly the best for it anymore, but theres nowhere else i feel comfortable posting it anymore. i keep doubting myself and my work and when i draw certain characters i get anxious im going to be accused of ripping other people off. i know it wont happen, but i just have horrible anxiety when it comes to these things. i want to work but i feel like nobody takes me seriously as an artist or a comedian. i know where a lot of my self doubt/anxiety comes from but its just upsetting because i have so much stuff in my head that i cant even bring myself to do because i just dont see the point of it. i know it’ll get no attention at all whatsoever apart from roughly 2 likes, 3 reblogs and then at least 5 self reblogs from me desperately trying to get someone to see something i spent so long on. i dont do art for myself, i do it for other people to see the cool stuff i made up to entertain people and i like to make people happy and i just get upset constantly feeling like nobody is seeing anything because this hellsite is going down the shitter and people are jumping off like old people from a sinking ship. slow and fucking painfully because of the fucking bots everywhere

im like, constantly bitching about gender and sexuality shit but like.......... i always feel like im never gonna have anyone really love me. . like. people like me. people know who i am. nobody knows me. nobody gets me. i know thats bullshit lone wolf talk but like im not even kidding tbh.  im so massively fucking lonely it hurts it just fucking hurts so much i just fucking miss feeling like someone actually cares about me . i feel like i have no friends sometimes. like, i have online friends who i love with all my heart but i just dont feel like i have people in real life i can really talk to about deep personal shit. i dont feel close to people irl anymore and i cant understand why. i feel like this is cause of some bad shit thats happened in the past and its just made my brain turn off the “trust people” switch. my brains gone from “everyone is friend” to “everyone is person and people scare and upset me so i cant engage properly because i dont know what they will do. must keep some kind of distance, put on some kind of persona or something and be nice” i dont know what that persona is but im sure as fuck not able to look into it without being some kind of horrible mess. i dont know if im nice or not. i dont know who the fuck i am and it freaks me out because im sure i have some kind of horrible thing deep inside me that i have to cover up by being overly nice and sweet and an actual doormat .. most of the times the conversations i have with real people always have some kind of sex talk in them at one point and i dont have the heart to tell people it makes me uncomfy. i want to talk to people again and i want to go out more, but i just dont know how to get myself outside with people without feeling massively anxious or just feeling like nobody wants me around. like i feel like nobody ever really thinks about me in the least selfish sense. i know it sounds weird and narcissistic but i never get messages off people. i try to interact with people. i want to be friends with people but i just dont feel like i fit in anywhere and i really wish i did. i wish i felt like i could anyway. every time i go out i just feel like i dont belong anywhere with anyone and i thought i did for a little while but then i just couldn’t afford to go out anymore and it just went away immediately. i dont know why but sometimes i get really overloaded by people really quickly but when im outside i find it really easy. i just wish it was easier to talk to people about things. its like whenever i talk to anyone i immediately worry that im being weird or dumb talking about specific aniamtion things or stuff i can actually contribute to but everyone else is always talking about politics or sex so like.... i cant contribute ever cause most of the time its sex stuff or devolves into sex stuff and i just ?????? cant

also dysphorias back whee i hate having a chest it makes me so mad that i cant wear nice things because im constantly paranoid people will see my chest and assume im a girl. i hate people see my face and assume im a girl. i would rather see myself slowly rot away than take female hormones to solve my hormone issues because i dont want to lose what little i had that makes me look a little bit masculine and i know it sounds fucking idiotic but oh my god im so sick of looking and sounding like a girl!!!!!!!! i hate being called miss !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate that my mother wont even call me ash !!!!!!!!!! 2/3 of my family members refuse to think im not a girl and i want to die bc of it !!!!!!!!!!!

im just fuckin trying to deal with all this stupid fucking shit and i keep getting appointments for help cancelled and pushed back and i need help but i never get it !! : ))) the only help i managed to get just ended up talking about fucking specifically sex shit and it made me so uncomfortable i never went back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! even tho its literally the only place i can go for trans/ace specific help !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[trickstarbrave]

today in reasons i feel shitty: my friend blew up on me on twitter bc i kept ASKING him if he wanted to play dnd with us bc hes a part of our group. i asked him if he could LAST WEDNESDAY and he has been giving me the run around since then. saying “i dont know yet” and “ill tell you when i do”. i tell him to let us know sunday at least, because the only days off he has are monday and tuesday. he says okay

sunday evening comes and he hasnt said shit so i ask him. hes drunk and i tell him we’ll talk tomorrow. monday i ask him if he can play tomorrow and he says hes “not sure and will need to ask if theyre playing mtg” so i say “okay”. he doesnt reply back all day. TODAY i ask him if he wants to play today or not and he says “i have to pick up a court summons” (not, “actually sorry i am playing mtg today”, not “i dont feel like playing, im sorry”). i sound suspicious but say “okay” and remind him we havent played in over a week AS IS. and he then GOES OFF ON ME for “guilt tripping him” and “making it an ~obligation~ he plays” and how i “stress him out by asking over and over again”. when i tell him he should have told me straight out he didnt want to play instead of just giving vague “maybe i dont know” answers he gets defensive even more and says “I DID” and when i say “no, you didnt, the only thing vaguely like that is you saying “im gonna be tired” on a question about your days off. thats not a yes or no answer and lots of us play while tired so why would i assume it was something else” 

“WELL ITS NOT MY FAULT YOURE A BUNCH OF SADISTS WHO HAD TO TURN A FUN CASUAL GAME INTO A OBLIGATION WHERE YOU ALL ARE FORCED TO PLAY SICK OR TIRED! i cant even SAY i dont want to play because you all guilt trip me and get mad when i do.” 

see, he doesnt say “sorry guys my next days off will be full and im not up to it.” and apologize for keeping us waiting or giving us the go ahead to play without him (WEVE HAD THIS DISCUSSION BEFORE and PURPOSEFULLY made the game so if he doesnt want to play he can leave whenever so long as its not in the middle of a fucking mission. okay. its not like we just sit there doing nothing but complain if he cant play). he waits until the DAY OF OUR GAME to tell is he purposefully made plans on game night, no he cant change them, no he was absolutely always forced to do them right now during game time, and then get pissy when we all complain because we dont even have time to plan around him and have cleared out our evening for nothing and our time is wasted. 

he then keeps going on and on because apparently i was just supposed to know the words “im tired” and his vague answers like hes genuinely unsure about the state of tomorrow were him “actually” telling me he doesnt even want to play and i should have fucking caught on, he wanted to quit this game MONTHS ago. i was just supposed to know him being ‘busy’ was a ‘secret message’ that actually meant ‘just stop even asking me when i want to play a game and hang out with my friends! just stop inviting me in general! i dont like you or the game! its not fun and stresses me out and im LYING to you.” and we just all fucking ignore him and play without him and let him figure out we havent even been giving him the opportunity to join to play

which is so fucking. terrible. who would just assume “thats what you mean”???? like imagine if you WERENT doing this and actually were really busy and your friends just eventually stopped even inviting you to game night, only for you to check the group chat months later and find out they have been playing without you and having fun and didnt even bother inviting you to anything at all. you just find this out. and by the time you figure it out they might have done a lot stuff or played games YOU wanted to play and they arent going to go back and replay the stuff you missed bc they just assumed you were lying to their faces and it wouldnt matter anyways if you were there or not. how hurtful would that be? imagine if some of your friends did that to you, would you be HAPPY they did it??? 

keep in mind HE is the one who picked out the VERY NEXT MISSION WE”RE ABOUT TO DO so fucking sorry if we assumed “HEY HE PROBABLY WANTS TO PLAY IT. YKNOW THE MISSION HE FUCKING PICKED OUT. THE MISSION INVOLVING STUFF SPECIFICALLY FOR HIS CHARACTER” oh my fucking god. 

now i dont know the state of our group bc he yelled at me more and said he quit and deleted all his tweets and our dm is miserable and put the game on hiatus for 2 fucking weeks. i feel miserable too bc my friend has been lying to me and called me a guilt tripper and manipulative for reminding him hes stringing along 5 other people by not being fucking honest with us and said its OUR PROBLEM he cant be honest even though we structured the game so he can take MONTH long breaks if he needs to just give us the heads up. i told him he could quit once we got more than 3 players bc do you know how annoying it is to do a full campaign w only 2 characters playing???? bc one of the three dropped out??? i told him to just fucking play until then and he could quit for real and he went “but i DO wanna play : ( im just stressed!” 

well now ill just fucking believe every time he complains abt smth like “man i have to spend money on this thing” that means we’re just not hanging out like we planned. im not gonna ask him if hes actually going to the ren fest even tho the bed situation was taken care of bc i just assume now that he only brought up the bed to tell me hes not fucking going and to fuck off. im not making a costume for it either if my best friend doesnt go im just gonna stay home. 

i cant read the fucking air and he knows this. hes known me forever. he knows im ignorant and dont ‘get’ stuff like “if someone keeps canceling plans that means they want you to leave them the fuck alone and stop even inviting them or talking to them”. he knows im probably autistic and struggle with ‘unsaid” social cues like that and he just STILL does this and calls ME terrible for not ‘getting it’ and ‘forcing him’ to yell at me. im rtired.

[matazz]

entries

diary entries of roy endoza

here’s some journal entries of roy endoza that i wrote for the duration of the campaign. for the most part, i kinda wrote these in my twitter drafts just to write down roy’s thoughts. sometimes to remember events that happened, and sometimes just to vent out roy’s feelings to myself. i ended up saving these on a document for safe keeping and i’m glad i wrote these.

‪entry 47‬

‪i miss milo so much. his laugh, his eyes, his smile. i would do anything to have that back.‬ ‪i know its my fault he’s gone. its only been a few months, but i’ll fix that; all of it. no matter how long it takes, no matter what happens. i’ll find some way to do it.‬ ‪entry 53‬ ‪i’ve retrieved a letter from a dream telling me to visit latham and retrieve a key. i’m curious, so i’ll check it eventually. it was definitely odd.‬ ‪entry 55‬ ‪i met a young boy. his name is fox. he’s some sort of shapeshifter. he’s quiet, but his presence is nice company. he also received a similar letter to mine. i have a feeling we’ll be travelling for a while.‬ ‪entry 62‬ ‪we retrieved the key & met some other ppl with letters too. we’re heading to a trinket store back in origin now. i dont wish for them to know of my life so i’ve found a way to steer them as far from possible to finding out about myself. i’ll probably visit ma too.‬ ‪entry 63‬ ‪an elf woman named leera attacked us after i told her i wasnt going to give her this key. i dont like her. she seemed very cocky.‬ ‪entry 65‬ ‪delilah is kind.. i feel like i’m able to trust her. i asked her a question about my goals, vaguely, and it turns out that ayce asked a similar question. based on the message in his later i get the feeling he’s undead.‬ ‪entry 66‬ ‪i told ayce the biggest con in all of history.. but i confirmed he’s undead. i have more hope in my goals now that i know its possible. he hugged me bc he thinks we’re similar. i dont usually allow people to do that but i’m sad for him. i wish i could ask more about him. ‬‪entry 69‬ ‪i’m getting closer to ayce, unexpectedly, but good for me. i need his information.‬ ‪he talks to me a lot about his life; i think he’s become dependent on me which is easy for me. its hard for him to see i’m using him when i lie to his face.‬ ‪entry 72‬ ‪we’re travelling to copper coast now for another key. if it werent for ayce, i wouldnt see any other reason for me to come. fox is still around, but i feel like he's doing his own thing. the other two arent big presences for me to care about.‬ ‪entry 73‬ ‪atlas is a werewolf? i didnt think those were real. this group keeps getting stranger. first a shapeshifter, second an actual living zombie, third a werewolf.‬ ‪ive continued my lie to the rest of them. they all seem to have believed me, strangely enough‬ ‪entry 74‬ ‪copper coast was very pleasant. i wish to come back someday.‬ ‪entry 88‬ ‪this trip to clandesteine has been a disaster.. what the honest fuck‬ just happened ‪entry 90‬ ‪fox told everybody about himself, finally. i feel this huge sense of pride?? i’m very proud of him. i dont understand why i feel so attached to him but i adore him so much‬ ‪entry 92‬ ‪((incoherent scribbles, kinda like “vsdjfsasifwnqkosdkv”)) i think i accidentally implied to ayce that i love him romantically and i think he loves me too... i’m freaking out and i dont know how to react... i think he thinks i’m cool and romantic but i didnt mean to be. ‪entry 93‬ in all honesty, i just wanted to tell him he needs to be more cautious of me. a part of me wishes he could figure it out himself so i dont have to tell him. ‪seriously! i dont know how i did that! i do love and adore him too but i feel like shit.. i dont deserve him, especially considering who i am. on the other hand, i hope he never finds out the truth about me.‬ ‪entry 94‬ ‪oh my god. atlas killed a man and ayce and fox proceeded to tell the guards. i feel sick. i’m currently at home but if they say my name at witness testimony i’m royally fucked. i dont know. i might just run for it and live in myr’s peak. maybe no one will find me.‬ ‪entry 95‬ ‪the group managed to get bailed out using ty’s name. benefits of being friends with rich people?‬ ‪fox found my poster though, so he saved my name during eyewitness testimony. i told him the truth. its been the first time i told someone how i really felt. he wants me to tell ayce but hes the last person i can tell. ‪entry 97‬ ‪we’re in lunarden! it feels nostalgic to be back.

i want to go back to every place i miss. i took ayce to that me and nori used to go to back in high school. i think shes currently performing in solardome? i miss her‬ entry 97.2 ‪i came up with a few different ways to complete my goal. i have a few more probing questions, but i will have to ask later. i think i’m getting closer to the answers‬ entry ‪97.3‬ ((scribbled out)) ‪i havent had sex in a while. i’ve wondered this before but realized it was an inappropriate question to ask. i wonder if ayce’s dick works? it probably doesnt. this is so sad. i dont know how i’m going to fuck him if thats true.. yikes‬ ‪entry 98‬ ‪i’m planning to get completely smashed once we get to solardome. i feel like i deserve it.. ive been pretty stressed and havent got laid. i’m crying remembering that ayce might not even be an option.‬ ‪entry 98.2 ((lost)) ‪i love ayce so much, and its confusing. am i just sexually frustrated? am i just lonely? am i just sad? i feel guilty because it tears me apart. im confused because i love milo still, too. i know i should tell him the truth, its whats right but i know he’ll hate me. i dont know what to do. (extra note inbetween the pages, torn out: to mom. i love you venhfrhdy mcuh. thank you fir everhything. yes. roy.) entry 98.3 what happens if i succeed? i hope ayce doesnt kill me. entry 100 ‪good morning. ayce & i are officially dating. were in solardome atm; i dont remember much of last night but i remember thinking he‘s beautiful. is it wrong to fall for him?‬ ‪entry 101‬ ‪good evening. i saw ms winters. she was undead, just like ayce. she died a year ago. her soul was lost though. i killed what remained of her undead corpse. i assume she was trying to remain in this world.. i’m scared that this will happen to him too. maybe ill have to do the same to him. entry 101.2 i hope ayce's soul is able to sustain in his body for longer. i cant afford to lose him. entry 101.3 ‪the blackness on my fingers has risen up more than it has before. its almost hard to write with my hands anymore. i assume its bc the gods know what i'm doing & are against it, so they're trying to give me more recoil than usual. but the last time i killed an undead corpse was in my house 6 months ago, and i promise that the last time i will use it is when i bring milo back. (torn note inbetween the pages: hi ayce. its unrealistic you'll ever find this but there's some things i want to say. back when we first met, i lied to you as a reflex when you asked me why i'm dealing with necromancy. to be honest, i could kind of gather you were undead, but i still lied anyway. my story is personal, its hard for me to be honest. i know i'm an idiot, and i'm sorry i used you. to be truthful, i still am a horrible person and for the entirety of our relationship i've already known that i was using you and i've felt so guilty about that. my feelings are complicated, but i've never lied when i said i loved you, and i still do; but i still want to bring milo back. i made a mistake and i want to fix that. the truth is that i still love him too. i know you deserve better. i'm sorry about lying to you. roy) entry 102 a dragon made us experience our dreams and nightmares. jade's scared of blindness and bugs. a valid fear, in a way. and she was dreaming of doing shows. i think it was supposed to display a feeling of happiness and joy, but it was just spooky since we all experienced her dreams with no sound. i never realized how scary it was to be deaf until i experienced it. atlas' was morbid. people were dying and there was so much gore. then there were people saying they owned him. i knew he was a bad person but it was scary to see all of that again. he dreamt of a workshop with a girl and a young boy. it seemed sweet, with a tinge of nostalgia. i would have never expected him to have dreams. he just seems like a horrible person with no sympathy to me, but i guess he has feelings. i still think he should go to jail, but i feel like he'll just try to kill me if i say anything instead. fox's was sad. we got thrown into a void

of empty space where we were surrounded only by dopplegangers and a vaguely humanoid figure. he seemed so lonely and upset. he's scared of being forgotten by us and that made me so sad. i adore him, and he's grown a lot since we first met. i gave him a hug when we went into his dream sequence. i hope he knows i will never forget him. his dream was sweet. he just wants to save people and hang out with us still. i think he'll go far, and i would love to be there for him still when all of this is over.c (the rest of the pages with entry 102 are torn out) when i saw milo in the old house again just being his happy lovely self i felt miserable and happy at the same time. i love him so much, and i knew i missed him already but seeing him again just made me feel so much love for him all over again. it just makes me miss him more. it's hard not to cry thinking about what i've done to him. i wish he could come back. ayce's was hard to watch. i witnessed myrkul force ayce to choose between killing me and quri. ayce cried as he couldn't make up his mind, and then i watched as i fell into a void. i felt sick and i wanted to puke. i thought ayce found out about me. i thought he knew that i was using him for necromancy, but when i asked him about it, he told me that he thought i killed him with quri. i... personally don't have any reason to ever kill him so that was a bit sickening to think of. i dont ever want to kill anyone. i dont even have anyone i hate enough to want to murder. the only person i hate enough to want to kill is me. i know based on what i said before i guess it might have seemed that bad; but haha... i would never ever want to do that. putting people down at hospital was rough. god, putting ms winters down was rough and she was already dead. i love him, but it's probably better if we end the relationship and just stay as friends? he's already witnessed me still loving milo, and he thinks i murdered him... i'll try to clear up his misunderstanding, but it'll be hard to without giving more of myself away. this relationship has so many problems. entry 103 a new discovery. the world isn't flat? the god's are using their powers to “lock off” the rest of the world. apparently sanctuary is only a small part of the world. that was a really weird discovery to find out? it's kind of hard to believe, but at the same time, not. apparently they keys we've been collecting hold the respective power of the gods, and they're used to “open” the gateway. i have no idea what that means. apparently beshaba wants to use our keys to do exactly that. and also they can kill the god's? entry 112 when we came back to lunarden we discovered that delilah and allen were kidnapped by atlas’ syndicate. i knew atlas was trouble. i hate having to associate with him. we’re going to save them yet it makes me nervous. entry 114 i feel like i almost died in there. we saved the others and no one was hurt though. we’re going to trip back to lunarden and then travel through the travel gates back to origin to try avoid people. allen mentioned something about strange readings. i have a feeling i know what it is. i’m going to ask lathandar questions. entry 115 nvm we encountered leera. this group genuinely scares me. I’m travelling with people who are down with murder. i should seperate. she uncovered my posters to them and i want to die. she also mentioned the last key at a ball. i need to bounce. lathandar also confirmed my suspicions last night. entry 116 fox left before i could. i feel bad. like maybe it was my fault. i miss him. we have to continue though. entry 117 its so hard to find a bag of holding. i just want to have this spirit stone around without having it in the open. entry 118 we’re in origin now and delilah let me rent out her bag of holding. an absolute kind soul. we bought tickets to the ball. so expensive. i wish i didnt do that. entry 123 i’ve done so much in preperation of whats to come. Soon. i hope it works. i’m going to travel to solardome and investigate those readings. entry 124 suspicions

confirmed. miss winters is alive. she captured my biological father. a strange way to meet him. i cant see him as my father. i told her about the key, and we’re going to rearrange our circle. we’ll still use the spirit stones, just as a backup. i’m scared. i’m terrified. i dont know if it will work and i dont know what will happen if it does. i know the gods will be mad but i’ll deal with the consequences when it happens. i’m sure i won’t be a champion anymore. we’re doing this on friday evening, which means i’m no longer attending the gala. they don’t need my assistance anyway.

[eternalnightterrors]

idk what to do. i really dont. im just scared and anxious and mad. but overall, im extremely hurt. i cant go out places anymore. i dont even want to go out places anymore. going anywhere with him makes me anxious. idk if my feelings have changed for him or not. i still cry at even the thought of us breaking up but i look at him and it feels different. i think my own subconscious is trying to put up a shield around myself so i dont get hurt as much. but even if it does, i still will feel the pain, the hurt, the humiliation. its not going to go away entirely so i dont understand the point of it doing that. or maybe im just too tired right now. maybe ive just been tired the past week and thats why all these past issues became a part of my thoughts. i just. feel so empty. i can barely push out a smile or a laugh. i think the most ive laughed and smiled this past week, was today. sometimes i wonder, does he really mean what he says ? did he really not know or realize those things would upset me ? did he really mean it when he apologized ? even if he did mean it when he apologized, it doesnt rlly stop it from hurting any less.. He questions why im so anxious all the time or why im always questioning his actions but what else can i do ? ive never made him feel anxious the way he makes me feel anxious. which is good for him ofc but sucks bc he'll never understand what its like. ive never showed him nude pics of somebody else. ive never looked at anything nude even if it was a joke. i still dont understand why he even glanced at those pics of mari. like i really dont. he told me he glanced at it but still never gave me a reason why he did. did he do it to make it seem like he was paying attention ? or did he actually want to look? just why. it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about. and i know his thoughts are probably going to be "this happened so long ago" and "why do i have to keep explaining myself" but how can i not think he's attracted to other people/things when he literally sent me a pic of some other girls pussy, looked at basically cleavage pics of mari after making jokes abt wanting to fuck her, called other people pretty including one of his coworkers (he said it was "by societys standards" but its obvious that he basically thought she was pretty cause why else would he say that) , plus theres more that i cant even remember right now. and he wonders why im such an anxious mess and why i feel uncomfortable or on edge with so many things and yes most of it is due to my ex plus my own boundaries but all this shit adding up in my head makes it worse. im not going to say he doesnt love me bc im sure he does. but do i think im the only one he looks at ? no. if im being honest i dont even think he gets off to pics of me. i feel like he looks at other things. honestly even if he is telling the truth or does end up telling me the truth even more, would i even believe it ? probably not. but maybe it'll calm my anxiousness. but i doubt it. sometimes i wonder if im better off alone so i dont have to feel this way all the time. but i know ill be miserable without him. i just dont want to do this anymore.. i dont even think i want to live anymore.i feel drained. the thought of going out anywhere feels like too much work. even typing or being on my phone or playing games is too much work. ive been watching shows to distract myself and give me something to do but i still feel empty and exhausted. i used to think i wasnt as depressed anymore but why does it seem like its getting worse as i get older ? idk i really dont. i just want to be happy. thats my only wish. i want to be happy with my partner and forget all the bad things. thats all i want. so why is that too much to ask for? does happiness even exist ? is it all a lie ? do people truly feel happy ? the closest ive been to happiness is with him. but he's also the reason why my heart aches so much. i dont know what to do. i think i need sleep.

[gayspock]

dont rb, domt rply

hhh i was already just. so behind on everything man but after being like.... sick/unconscious/having a meltdown for half of this week, im even further behind than before. and im jsut so... bbro i dont know. im too exhausted half the time to manage anything whatsoever . like im just fucking dea d and incapable of mustering... anything to do any of it and i jsut want to cry bc. man even when i DO try it jsut.... it means nothing- like i just fail, or make it worse, or its just so meaningless and its like. i dont know how many years have even passed at this point, and i know blah blah blah everyone is fucking always like “haoiasfhsdfh HAHAH TGIME IS GETTING FASTER,HAHAHA” and i know i know but im just. im tired man and im tired because the past few years have been so empty and meaningless. ive accomplished nothing, ive done nothing, theres not a day gone by that feels worth it.... & i jsut . yeah go back to resenting the fact i didnt kill myself x years ago, because i should have trusted myself - i should have KNOWN that it just.... was not worth it to try, when its just horrible and miserable like this every day. i havnt done anything and i dont just mean in that stupid fucking productive sense i jsut . havent done anything outright i havent experienced anything ive literally spent 98% of the days inside, in the dark, crying bc i cant manage anything else. even when i try i cant and ijust feel so stupid and alone and empty like the only thing i do is turn shit on to distract myself  . and what is that ... its so hollow and i dont fucking care man its all jsut shit i font fucking care about i dont like it , i dont take any happiness in it or anything and i dont know i jsut . hate forcing myself to  jsut to fucking .... satiate other people . when its like its literally so inconsequential to them do you know what i mean like. ... it sounds os stupid when i say it but pretendin g to fucking find enjoyment in stuff just so ppl dont think ur weird, or just to get them to shut the fuck up when they say the whole “haha! wwll your life cant be so empty! thats impossible!” and then its just  like. i dont ufcking know i dont know i dont care i dont know if i give a shit abt any of it man like. im tired  its all just a numb blur and it hurts and its not worth it its not fucking worth it you kno... you kno....  and i hate .

h. i really do wish i didnt go to a&e yesterday it was just stupid and its made me. yeah. i dont knw what i wa s thinking but all its done is just reaffirm this shit is fucking hopeless, it was another one of those instances of stupid weak hope, thatg maybe even just breaking in that way would change something, anything, but its jsut. i dont know you just go there, you get down there they tell you everything all the hollow . i jsut hate it so much i dont know why i fucking WENT man it was just a sanitised version of all the hollow and empty words people keep saying on repeat, the  shite that just . hurts at this point  to hear it constantly like i feel fucking nauseaus  . like. having a fucking woman sit there and try to develop a “safety plan” for me and im looking at it now and it jsut feels so fucking pathetic man. like it reall does. because she went througheverything- like what makes it better, what calms you down, what do you have to live for and i have to just sit there and cry and cry and cry because nothing does, nothing ever does, and i dont have anything and i dont have anyone to go to and in the end it just ends up with her writing, awkwardly on a piece of paper, “come back here if it gets bad” and congratulating me on coming down like for wha.t for fucking what man we got nowhere, we did nothing, i want to die more  looking at this shit and thinking “you know. it really . really is so easy and it really is thatg bleak and meaningless like do it NOW” and i dont know i really . i think its convinced me more man  and . i dont know. you kno. like i dont knwo i have to go back tomorrow but im thinking of jsut. asking them that i want to stop it i want to cut it off i dont care its not. its not helping . it makes it worse  and jsut. i dont know it fe els like mustering so much every time to genuinely try , and its just another instance of just reality coming back to me and reminding me like man it doesnt matter you really . should just be dead man it doesnt mattrr what u do it just. fucking stupid, it fucksng sucks like . i dont know. i dont know i jsut feel like every little time i have genuinely tried its just. ended like this, ended with it being wor se and i dont... im so tired of the platitudes, of the stupid. contrived “haha! at least you tried! bullcrap because . its fine the first time but hea ring it  for the fucking millionth time feels like some horror movie shit because its so .... insubstantial, its so ...  its so nothing, it cant sustain you, it cant man, it jsut cant when you have nothing else, when you want to die, and all you get is that. shit mockery over and over again and OVER again like. i just fucking wish someone was honest for once, that someone would fucking tell, me TRUTHFULLY “die.”  like . h.

[bythepowerof4]

bythepowerof4 uuuggggggggggghghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

nickatnightwalker good morning sunshine

bythepowerof4 very very bad morning. day. all of it :/

nickatnightwalker im trying to feel compassion but you did kind of do it to yourself

bythepowerof4 do what???

bythepowerof4 i didn't get fucked bro i was only a little off lmao i just had like. a bad time ):

nickatnightwalker oh is this not a hangover moaning

bythepowerof4 god i wish

nickatnightwalker what happened as far as i could tell you stayed clothed so whatre the regrets

bythepowerof4 i did lmao. ok like ur ego is probably swelling in the wake of everyone's poor decision making, but would it inflate it more if i said u were right all along

nickatnightwalker my ego's already reached terminal velocity youre gonna have to be more specific about what i was right about

bythepowerof4 etsuko :/

bythepowerof4 and prom. and prom with etsuko

nickatnightwalker /fuck/ yes i knew it and it's a bad thing because you dont know what to say, yeah?

bythepowerof4 fuck oooooooffffffffffffffffffff yeah :/ but it's also a bad thing cause she was fucking smashed and wanted to kiss me and chucked on my shoes and oh my god

nickatnightwalker oh smooth that's a definite winner as far as first moves go

bythepowerof4 haha yeah ok but i think maybe it wasn't the first move??? and i missed the others cause im an idiot i guess??? and she was so weird and sad and i feel like shit

nickatnightwalker no in all seriousness i obviously have a bias but good things have come from worst first moves it's not your fault you didnt know something she didnt say if she's sad you didnt pick up on it that blows but it's not on you

bythepowerof4 fuck lmao u are the expert :p and yeah. are you like. very sure im in the clear bc idk tbh i got kinda pissy and im still kinda pissy cause she said weird things about me and also daisy but like, we're friends and i think i was harsh

nickatnightwalker it's not your fault for not being a mind reader

bythepowerof4 i wish i was they need a class for that here. everyone wants you to be a fucking mind reader

nickatnightwalker oh what am i gonna have to stuff somebodys second mouth with newspaper and make them smell a jockstrap or what

bythepowerof4 no you are not and none of this leaves this chat ok!!!!

nickatnightwalker yes yeah but do i have to kill her or what i already gave thiren the flu this school year im comin in hot

bythepowerof4 was that you holy shit she shared her flask you gave it like everyone lmaoooo but wait no no killing!!!! she was just like. idk im kinda fuzzy on the deets but she acted like she was scared of like. breaking girl code. getting up on some other girls territory i think she actually said territory which made me feel very gross and i still do actually wow

nickatnightwalker i didnt make anyone share her bottle im innocent of everyone else getting sick alright also what the fuck girl code? territory??

bythepowerof4 i know girl code is strange and mysterious to us both but it was still. weird

bythepowerof4 she thought she couldn't say anything cause of daisy i think. cause she brought it up before i even said shit i think???

nickatnightwalker girl code is not a thing

bythepowerof4 i think it's shorthand for like basic decency

nickatnightwalker alls fair in love and war motherfucker if you and someone else like the same person whoever wins wins theres no playing nice playing nice is like, insulting

nickatnightwalker you like who you like and someone bowing out for someone else isnt fair to you just saying

bythepowerof4 :/

nickatnightwalker im serious it's wildly outdated and treats you like something that someone has a right to

bythepowerof4 like territory

nickatnightwalker very uncool

bythepowerof4 its not her fault i think im making it sound worse than it is

nickatnightwalker to be totally fair probably she thinks you like daisy and didnt want to get in the way which is respectable and respectful and a different story but territory is very uncool

bythepowerof4 yeah i think that's closer idk i barely have it in me to be confused about one girl this sucks talking to people sucks i don't know what's going on

nickatnightwalker you dont like have to know whats going on

bythepowerof4 it clearly helps

nickatnightwalker like. not to be fake deep but feelings arent easy to parse like, ever sometimes it takes a long time so just chill it's not a big deal to not know what to say the second someone comes on to you

bythepowerof4 i did say things though like a few things and i think they were kinda mean like youre right but it Sucks !!

nickatnightwalker ok. ok like.  being mean may have cut that option off for you you know that right

bythepowerof4 oh my god

bythepowerof4 oh my god fuck

nickatnightwalker dont freak

bythepowerof4 shes not an option she's just my friend which means i shouldn't be mean yeah way too late

nickatnightwalker on a scale of 1 to 10 how bitchy were you also if shes like.  not an option.  and just your friend.  isnt that kind of your answer clea.  like i dont mean to point out the obvious or sway you in any way but im not getting strong yes vibes from this strongly negative reaction

bythepowerof4 i don't know!!! i don't know it happened very fast i think i called her dumb

nickatnightwalker ouch

bythepowerof4 and got pissy about like. how we are Always Doing This

nickatnightwalker what, throwing up on each other

bythepowerof4 her throwing up on me yes

nickatnightwalker ok i can see how thats a bit of a turn of *off

bythepowerof4 this has like. happened and i think it's bad which means i should have been nicer about it

nickatnightwalker youre really being so vague right now you mean shes tried to tell you before or what

bythepowerof4 i mean she's gotten off her fucking face and started crying before and i just like, take her to the dorm or back to mine and its like. idk

nickatnightwalker right you dont love it

nickatnightwalker is what im gathering

bythepowerof4 no i think i think i think it's kinda nice sometimes cause i like helping her and that's really really bad

nickatnightwalker it's bad that you like helping her im just trying to get this right have patience with me

bythepowerof4 well yeah if she needs to need help before i can help her

nickatnightwalker oooooookay well it's not like youre sabotaging her just to get your hero rocks off

bythepowerof4 that sounds even worse thank you

nickatnightwalker youre not, are you?

bythepowerof4 i don't think so but like

bythepowerof4 i didn't stop her or anything

nickatnightwalker youre not her babysitter

bythepowerof4 i was um. distracted but i shoulda right

nickatnightwalker if you wanna help her outta the goodness of your heart thats good for you but youre not her babysitter i let damian and daisy both make turds of themselves last night

bythepowerof4 they weren't even drinking that's different

nickatnightwalker yeah, they did that shit sober and i still didnt try to stop them dude, my guy, bro youre your own responsibility ok

nickatnightwalker youre not her mom

bythepowerof4 im her friend!!!! friends look out for each other and stuff!!!!! and if im apparently leading her on or something and making her feel like she can't talk to me and letting her get all messy and miserable then im a bad friend and im upset about it!!

nickatnightwalker 1. leading someone on kind of has to be intentional, otherwise youre just like, being crush-worthy by being yourself 2. friends arent moms 3. moms are a social construct anyway 4. you dont "let" her get anything youre not in chargeof her cmon clea youre takng on way more of this than you should

feel bad she feels bad if you want to but guilt doesnt factor into this

bythepowerof4 you're like. way too rational you're making it very hard to be hysterical that's a compliment i think but im mad about it lmao :/

nickatnightwalker my job is to be rational about everyones problems except my own

nickatnightwalker thats my niche in the social hierarchy

bythepowerof4 big words from the guy trying to decimate my well meaning babysitter niche !! if you ever need someone to be hysterical about your problems know that im here for you

nickatnightwalker i have no problems my life is a glittering utopia compared to the dumpster fire of your last night and today apparently

nickatnightwalker like i cant make your decisions for you or anything but before you do make one id seriously advise you to work on not taking responsibility for etsuko's life and bad choices cause that way lies a really fucking miserable relationship

bythepowerof4 lmao liar!! everyone has problems and i'll be personally offended if you don't at some point dump them on me like im doing right now to you. two way street :p my advice might be less cool and wise and prophetic but like. still its not like, a """decision""" anyway cause its not some weirdo love triangle bullshit. cause i dont like. maybe if she said something before or if u know?? if shit was different but not now the decisiony part is just how to undo the dumpster fire lmao. which i think. i can maybe do idk thank u ur so good at this i hate you

nickatnightwalker i gotta be real i have no idea what anything you just said meant

bythepowerof4 oh i thought i made sense that time :/ that sucks this sucks again

nickatnightwalker is this a new kind of sucking or is this the same suck as before

bythepowerof4 part of the same suck cause i don't make , like. sense :/

nickatnightwalker just that one part where you say youre not making a decision cause you kinda got to even if it's to do nothing

bythepowerof4 oh ok yeah

nickatnightwalker "cause i dont like. maybe if she said something before or if u know?? if shit was different"  also this part

bythepowerof4 well im not doing nothing cause i don't wanna fight with/not talk to anyone and if i said i was thinking of waiting it out you'd tell me that's stupid lmao and that parts just like. u know

bythepowerof4 what she wanted to do and whether i also wanted to do that thing

nickatnightwalker idk i actually dont think waiting it out is a terrible idea in this case at least until she's calmed down and youve had time to think about whether you also wanna do that thing

bythepowerof4 i don't think i do right now i thought i was making that part fairly clear it's not like a hard no cause she's cool but i've got a lot going on rn lmao

bythepowerof4 ok so waiting. lmao can you be a mate and like buzz me when it's a good time to no longer be waiting

nickatnightwalker no that part was fairly clear from the way this news didnt like, make you happy in the least

bythepowerof4 oh. yeah i guess? that could all be circumstances though

nickatnightwalker it's been a couple days now probably tomorrows a good day to apologize for being bitchy

bythepowerof4 ok. ok i can do that !!!

nickatnightwalker circumstances arent THAT much of a game changer when it comes to wanting a person to kiss you or not also dont apologize for her getting drunk that was her choice dont be weird about it

bythepowerof4 barf mouth tho

bythepowerof4 and yeah ok i'll skip that part

nickatnightwalker ok barf mouth is actually a good point

nickatnightwalker but still easy enough to fix for it not to be a huge dealbreaker

bythepowerof4 oh hey ets yeah let's go get you some goddamn listerine, and i'll go change my shoes and then we'll meet back here in 15 for super scheduled smooching !! no thank you!!!!

nickatnightwalker do other people not do that i feel like people do that i personally have definitely sent people away for listerine

bythepowerof4 oh my god and you can just?? get back in the moment like nothing happened???? i don't see it

nickatnightwalker idk if theyre hot enough you can let a lot of stuff slide

bythepowerof4 oh bc ur sooooo hot enough that they let ur critiques on their hygiene slide :p

nickatnightwalker you think im that tactless? im fucking smooth people dont even notice it's insulting

bythepowerof4 is there a tactful way to send ppl off for mouthwash

nickatnightwalker yeah, you tell them what they get when they come back or pass em some gum and hope if it's not too bad

bythepowerof4 jesus you really think you're all that !!!!!

nickatnightwalker what it's not like im making this up when youre out sometimes people arent super picky ok

bythepowerof4 i believe you its just weird !! i thought people were picky as a rule and like, idk it sounds so awkward

nickatnightwalker oh no absolutely people are not that picky all the time and if you wanna k iss someone you wanna kiss them and you'll wait if you gotta you see?

bythepowerof4 oh well duh im good on the waiting part lmao which is why i would wait for a different time entirely when no ones barfy or critical :p im very patient!!!!

nickatnightwalker right but you have to like.  want to wait. and if you wanna wait then that should kinda clue you in

bythepowerof4 oh. yeah we're talking about that again ok

nickatnightwalker it all comes back around theres no such thing as tangents

bythepowerof4 youre a terrible person i live off tangents

ok well. yeah no. i don't wanna like a little but not enough. which i feel weirdly bad about but sure whatever brain!!

nickatnightwalker no no guilt over that

nickatnightwalker not allowed if etsuko's a half decent person i dont think she'd want you to feel guilty about that either

bythepowerof4 tell my brain that im trying !! she wouldn't duh i think she feels worse about it which makes me feel worse about it

nickatnightwalker say it with me now i am not responsible for someone else's feelings now you

bythepowerof4 :/ i am not responsible for someone elses feelings

nickatnightwalker yeah there you go try this one im not responsible for someone else's messy behavior

bythepowerof4 i am not responsible for someone elses messy behaviour even though if i can stop it i should probably try ok next

nickatnightwalker nope if you want to out of the goodness of your heart go for it but you have no responsibility to stop it not even should

bythepowerof4 are you sure not even should that seems extreme

nickatnightwalker no like it'd be nice of you but youre really NOT under any obligation youre not her mom

nickatnightwalker thatd be creepy and gross clea

bythepowerof4 not obligation just like the parameters of friendship it's creepy and gross that u keep saying that!!

nickatnightwalker it's creepy and gross that you feel like youve gotta babysit her im just being real here

bythepowerof4 ughhhhhhhhhhhh i knew it i knew i was gross it's not even her ok i would look out for you if you weren't so mr perfect perfect all the time!!!

nickatnightwalker thats the first time ive ever been accused of that lemme bask in it for a second ok im good

nickatnightwalker clea that kinda sounds like an issue that's you-based and youre like, gonna get worn out and have a breakdown or something

nickatnightwalker we're kids we're not old enough to take care of other people like that

bythepowerof4 i just. don't get why ur objecting to my like, decency if you ever actually needed it then maybe you'd get it but you don't so it's fine!! im not gonna have a breakdown i don't wanna have a breakdown

nickatnightwalker im not objecting to decency im objecting to feeling guilty if you dont go out of your way for someone not like i dont generally frown on decency anyway but thats not related

bythepowerof4 no tangents!!! everything is related :p it's just. very hard ok can't help it, didn't know it was weird, this is by and large new information

nickatnightwalker i too like introspection better when someone else does it for me

bythepowerof4 god right ppl should make a living off this

nickatnightwalker i think that's called therapy

bythepowerof4 shit yeah ok but who needs that

nickatnightwalker apparently most of us no shame

bythepowerof4 :( i don't see you so much as going to the school counsellor

bythepowerof4 that sounds weird nvm

nickatnightwalker well you got me there but as we've established im perfect so

bythepowerof4 lmao right!! you should go to counselling and counsel the counsellor

nickatnightwalker you think i could take that up as an extra curricular beef up my resume

bythepowerof4 oh for sure "browbeat a mental health professional into respecting my superior opinions" looks good to me

nickatnightwalker i dont have to browbeat anyone into knowing im right

nickatnightwalker are you like.  good though

bythepowerof4 oh of course!!!! my mistake

bythepowerof4 oh um. yeah like no but yeah everything's just a lot u know

nickatnightwalker it sounds like it shes not like, on you about itthough right

bythepowerof4 no she hasn't said anything which is worse

nickatnightwalker shes probably mortified wouldnt you be?

bythepowerof4 well. yeah i have some recent experience here actually so yeah i can imagine

bythepowerof4 shit

nickatnightwalker of what? bein?

bythepowerof4 yeah being drunk and dumb and um. misreading situations and friendship and liiiiiiiiike idk being fucking mortified it's this nvm idk arrgggghhhhhhghhhhhh

nickatnightwalker damn you had a busy summer huh

bythepowerof4 ://////// yeah kinda :/

nickatnightwalker which is part of whats going on with etsukoe? whyd i add an e

bythepowerof4 lol autocorrect always fucks with it its so annoying ok i guess it's maybe related to the degree that everything, as we've established, is related but i just had a uhhhhhh not so great time with my old friends

nickatnightwalker you were drunk and misread a situation

bythepowerof4 not the alien kind the people kind

nickatnightwalker were you the etsuko or teh clea

bythepowerof4 oh my god. i had, like, previously been the etsuko. but that was a while ago and not a big deal it just kinda came rushing back u know and then i realised she thinks im a freak and then i did freak in a full freak way cause my face kinda popped

nickatnightwalker what

bythepowerof4 hey do you have any problems we can talk about instead this is terrible

nickatnightwalker im very interested in what you mean by your face popping but ok

bythepowerof4 you know like the glamour its kinda like paper and im underneath very much not like paper and then pop! no more paperface no more old friends

nickatnightwalker oh fuck hopefully they were all trashed too and just think they were drunk?

bythepowerof4 all of them????? sharing the same weird drunk hallucination??????

bythepowerof4 that's like extreme sunnydale syndrome

nickatnightwalker but it's so weird i doubt theyd wanna discuss it because theyd be worry about sounding crazy

bythepowerof4 i guess they're still gonna think it it's still how they're gonna picture me

bythepowerof4 and apparently they already thought i freaked and had to like go "somewhere" which i guess is true but i feel weird having ppl think of me like that

nickatnightwalker just seeing you one weird brain glitchy time isnt gonna change what they think of forever and i mean you could like.  tell them you just transferred schools like, tell them the partial truth right?

bythepowerof4 i did idk i don't think she believes me or like she does but she still thinks i had a breakdown???? i just don't get it ok im very put together

nickatnightwalker youre more anxious than i am

bythepowerof4 what no im not pretend i put some sincerity exclamation marks there

nickatnightwalker yeah you can see how thats not convincing though right

bythepowerof4 the exclamation marks? those are very convincing also im not trying to be convincing bc it's just true. cause u like. Have anxiety right

nickatnightwalker what

nickatnightwalker no im anxious about living in a magic school where everything and everyone can kill me

bythepowerof4 oh i just you use the word anxious a lot that usually sorry :/

nickatnightwalker im like 85% sure you can be anxious without having anxiety

bythepowerof4 well yeah i just im sorry u seemed really like im gonna stop ok cool im very sorry

nickatnightwalker im interested in how deep a hole you were going to dig for yourself

bythepowerof4 im not we should really move on also you were the one saying it's perfectly believable that i would completely flip my shit so maybe i should be offended !!

nickatnightwalker point was you seem really stressed like a lot

nickatnightwalker youre kinda tightly wound clea like regardless of whatever i am you are kinda a little stressed all the time

bythepowerof4 ok well im not or like a little bit but i don't want people thinking of me like that so this also just sucks

nickatnightwalker yeah, it sucks for people to think youre nuts, but that's kind of how it is if youre even a little bit weird out there, isnt it

bythepowerof4 yeah. that is how it is but it's oddly enough not making me feel better :/ hey ok im just gonna put these issues away bc i don't like them and i have to deal with the main problem bc ai is bugging me oh my GOD

bythepowerof4 please don't go trying to talk to ppl on my behalf bc it is apparently really annoying

nickatnightwalker ai is bugging you cupcake girl? the plot thickens

bythepowerof4 she stopped its fine i shouldn't even have said that she's just looking out for ets cause she's a good pal and stuff there's just like a lot

nickatnightwalker whatd she think she was gonna do change your mind

bythepowerof4 no she just asked why im mad so she could report back and now im reporting back on her reporting back?? this is so high school i have a headache

nickatnightwalker where is the self awareness with these people holy shit

bythepowerof4 i don't knooooooow im freaking out i don't like it

nickatnightwalker wait why are you freaking out youre not mad at etsuko, anymore, right?  you can like.  talk to her instead youre not beholden to ai's nosy ass

bythepowerof4 yeah i can but not yet because im talking to u and daisy kinda and ai and she's talking to ai and it's a lot of talking and i actually really have a headache everything's all doubletriple

nickatnightwalker wanna talk about something else

bythepowerof4 yes please

nickatnightwalker uhhhh i took a fuckload of martial arts classes over the summer and can now reliably flip people so thats cool

bythepowerof4 oh what that's so cool!!!! is that who was in the back of some of ur pics?? like the class??

nickatnightwalker oh yeah and daisys ballet class is in some of them too

bythepowerof4 yeah i defs noticed that lmao i dunno if i said enough but that was nice like getting those idk i missed you and now we're all back and im making it all drama!! instead of all chill could u flip damian. hypothetically but also for demonstrations sake

nickatnightwalker yes and yes

nickatnightwalker the more important question is will i the answer to which is also yes dont feel bad about the drama it's actually really 100% not your fault

bythepowerof4 i know but telling you about it is on me lmao text me when you're gonna there's no way you can do that without me there ok

nickatnightwalker who says i cant do it multiple times and idont mind you telling me either everything's chill on my side so it's easier to sort of have perspective

bythepowerof4 if you do it multiple times i insist on being there for all of them sorry not sorry yeah. perspective is good. you're good at that

bythepowerof4 >:/

nickatnightwalker ill do it right the fuck now clea

bythepowerof4 omg really omg please

nickatnightwalker i would never lie about this

bythepowerof4 yes yesteryear you're so good i love u tell me where *yesyesyes lol let me be excited autocorrect!!!!!

nickatnightwalker i was wondering why you were talking like carolyn ok were in front of artume lets do this

bythepowerof4 yessssssssss ill be right there