eternalnightterrors

[eternalnightterrors]

And it's even worse because he's probably just going to leave me up by myself. And he knows how I've been lately. .

[eternalnightterrors]

I've literally been so upset and he doesn't even care. Literally was just playing Minecraft when I was upset and when I came back he really just acted like nothing happened. I guess maybe he was trying to make up for it in game by making me things. But that doesn't make things right. Do i not deserve a sincere apology ? Or even reassurance ?.

[eternalnightterrors]

i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin.i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin. i wanna slice my skin.

paint everything red.

[eternalnightterrors]

god i want to fucking slit my fucking arm open right now. i literally am so fucking close. i want to grab a knife so fucking bad. im trying to hold off but what the fuck. what the actual fuck

[eternalnightterrors]

selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish

selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish

selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish

selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish

selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish

selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish

selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish

selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish selfish

[eternalnightterrors]

whatever im done. hope he finds someone who can give him what he wants so desperately cause obviously i cant give that to him. im done.

[eternalnightterrors]

long vent

(2/2) how i feel abt my partner + sexual related issues cont. - im just rlly unhappy with the way things are going lately. like he keeps messing up more than usual and its making me question if he even wants to be with me anymore or if we're even going to last in our relationship. if we do break up, i already know it'd be my fault for getting upset at such miniscule things but i truly cant help it and i dont think he'll ever understand that i love him but fuck. it makes it so hard because he doesnt understand what its like. idk if he realizes that the small things he does actually sets me off. maybe he thinks im overreacting or that im trying to pick a fight. he doesnt realize the amount of heartache i go through. i legit feel like im being stabbed in my chest. i cant breathe. i start sobbing uncontrollably and punching/biting/scratching myself or pulling my own hair. i do this everytime we get into it because i just cant handle the emotions i have. and im way more sensitive than an average sensitive person. he doesnt understand how much it hurts. especially when he does something that triggers me,, this time i just turned completely numb. i didnt have the energy to even argue back and i just layed in bed all day not saying much. i felt like a robot. and i still do. im tired of being hurt. and being sensitive i wish i wasnt it would make this whole relationship easier. how i feel about myself + my struggles/worries this parts going to be a hefty part but i fucking hate myself so much. i hate that im overemotional and overly sensitive. i hate having bpd. i hate having adhd. i hate that i lack motivation. i hate that i lose interests in things that i could be great at. i hate that i cant properly show or cope with emotions,, i hate having fits. i dont think my partner realizes how bad my fits are.. when he does something i dont like,, i cant even describe the feeling i guess the closest thing is maybe how he'd feel if i cheated on him or something ? just the anger and how upset he'd be is exactly how i am everytime he does something i dont like or that triggers me except amplified. that feeling courses through my veins and makes my blood boil. i can feel my face and body getting hotter and hotter,,, so much anger rushing through me that i cant even stop to breathe or calm down,, so i take it out on myself,, ill yank my hair until it comes out in pieces, ill bite/pinch myself so hard until i have a scar, ill scratch my skin so hard until i can feel it under my nails. and ill just sob as im doing all of this. and if it gets real bad, ill punch myself in the leg repeatedly until i have a bruise or hurts too much that i cant do it anymore. sometimes ill stomp around or punch a pillow instead as those are less harming but they dont help as much. he doesnt understand the absolute hurt and anger i feel when he does something. and now its happening so often that i just consistently feel drained. i dont have the energy to even cry anymore. i just sit. like a robot. not saying or doing anything. if only he could see me when i have a fit but i wouldnt want him to. its embarrassing and would he even realize how bad it is then ? probably not. i just wish i didnt feel like this or cope like this. i wish i didnt have to deal with this. i wish i wasnt hurt by every little thing. i wish i could finally be happy for once. i wish i wasnt so stupid and stop forgetting everything. i wish i could actually do things and not lose interest in it . maybe id actually be good at art or singing if i wasnt so damn stupid. i wish id stop having the lack of motivation to do literally anything. i could go on and on but i should probably stop. i fear that im going to lose him or that im going to get worse and worse. i fear that im going to keep gaining weight. i fear that ill never be able to do anything i want to and that i wont get anywhere in life. i fear that ill be this way forever.

[eternalnightterrors]

long vent //

(1/2)

house related issue / family

my love is upset with me rn,, he thinks that ill get upset if he spends money. maybe that is the case a little bit but not entirely . i dont mind him spending money,, i just wanna move in together alone with him as soon as possible and i guess i just wanted him to save up as much as he can,, ig there is no point in it for him to save up sm rn but id really not spend my entire life under someone else's roof. i need my own freedom. my own space. he made a comment saying " when will we be able to do that? in 6 years ? " and honestly. maybe. but at least we'd be on our own.,, if we spend all our money now, in 6 years we'd still be living under his parents roof. and maybe he doesnt see a problem with that, but i do. 1. its embarrassing. 2. theres gonna be little to no privacy 3. i cant deal with his mom for too long. idk maybe my expectations are too high. i always wanted to get a job and save up all my money. i also wanted to move to korea in my early 20's but i dont see that happening anytime soon or even at all anymore. and i cant help but sob at that thought. it hurts knowing that ill never be able to live in the place i love. but everything has me questioning if all of this is my fault. my mom said i never took initiative and now im questioning if thats why i never was able to get a job or do anything. is that why i dont have a job? why im not in college ? why i dont have my ID or drivers license? idk. i just am frustrated because nothing ever goes my way.

how i feel abt my partner + sexual related issues

idek how to start this part off as i feel it's extremely childish for me to think or say these things,, but,, recently i just feel like,, theres no love there. like idk. i just dont really feel anything from him. and it feels like im consistently upset at him recently or sometimes he's upset at me and it just is so draining. it feels like rn im consistently questioning if he loves me and recently i feel like im carrying such a heavy burden. i want to cry but i cant even cry. so i just sit there,, with such a heavy heart and mind. and this has been happening alot recently but he keeps rejecting me sexually lately and he doesnt want to take it personally. but how can i not if 1. i have bpd which makes it extremely hard to deal with rejection but 2. he dances around the actually thought of telling me. like ,, ill try to initiate something and he'll say some things that he usually does if he wants to initiate it back but then he'll just keep going back to his game or whatever he's doing and just keep pushing off my advances or just pretending like he's gonna do something. but then ill get upset and then eventually he'll tell me that he doesnt wanna do something and it just hurts ? it feels like im being stabbed in the chest because it feels almost like he thinks its a game (not saying he actually does tho, im saying thats how it FEELS like) like it just feels like he's purposely fucking with my heart and emotions. or he'll make me feel like im some perverted monster that just wants him for sex. it takes a lot for me to do something sexual. i dont even like sexual things normally. i never even opened up to anyone sexually. and it takes a lot for me to do something sexual with somebody, especially after what happened with,,, nvm i dont wanna get into that but he knows what im talking about, anyways,, it takes a lot for me to open up sexually with someone and feel comfortable enough to do that. and i only can do that with someone i truly love and care about. but recently i dont even think i wanna do anything with him. i just feel like im being played and i feel embarrassed and like some type of perverted monster just for being attracted to my partner. i can understand not wanting sexual comments sometimes bc youre already feeling low abt yourself, i know cause ive been there, but it just seems like he was disgusted by it and by me. and now he wants me to ask before i say things (which is valid and understandable) but i just dont see the point in me saying things at all. if i have to ask to tell my partner im sexually attracted to them, then whats even the point of me saying it. it just ruins the whole point of everything. and maybe im being selfish and childish, but it feels unfair to me ? idk. i said what i said earlier to him and i wasnt even in a sexual mood. i just said it because i thought he looked cute. but now i just feel like some weird sex freak or something and now i dont wanna do anything or initiate anything again. whats even the point if im just gonna keep feeling bad over it. im just so hurt because he truly seemed so disgusted by me and now i just dont wanna do anything again. i feel embarrassed and sick to my stomach and hurt and upset and just,, done with it. i dont even know if i wanna do anything sexual with him again after that.. and overall ,, i just feel like shit lately like im so hurt all the fucking time and it feels like he doesnt love me or care for my feelings. he keeps doing things i dont like and then just apologizing like its gonna make it better instead of just,, not doing it in the first place.

[eternalnightterrors]

me : literally about to throw up because im so anxious about him being out.

him: "you dont love me"

.. right because i so choose to live this way. if it was a choice do you think i wouldve stayed ?? i stay because i love you but whatever.

[eternalnightterrors]

whatever he can go see whoever or whatever or do whatever or whoever at this point. im fucking done. i cant handle this anymore. its the way that he truly doesnt care.

[eternalnightterrors]

i just literally give up at this point . im just so done. does he not care that im anxious, he literally just left me to go have fun or whatever. im just done. he clearly doesnt care for me so whats the point.

[eternalnightterrors]

idk what to do. i really dont. im just scared and anxious and mad. but overall, im extremely hurt. i cant go out places anymore. i dont even want to go out places anymore. going anywhere with him makes me anxious. idk if my feelings have changed for him or not. i still cry at even the thought of us breaking up but i look at him and it feels different. i think my own subconscious is trying to put up a shield around myself so i dont get hurt as much. but even if it does, i still will feel the pain, the hurt, the humiliation. its not going to go away entirely so i dont understand the point of it doing that. or maybe im just too tired right now. maybe ive just been tired the past week and thats why all these past issues became a part of my thoughts. i just. feel so empty. i can barely push out a smile or a laugh. i think the most ive laughed and smiled this past week, was today. sometimes i wonder, does he really mean what he says ? did he really not know or realize those things would upset me ? did he really mean it when he apologized ? even if he did mean it when he apologized, it doesnt rlly stop it from hurting any less.. He questions why im so anxious all the time or why im always questioning his actions but what else can i do ? ive never made him feel anxious the way he makes me feel anxious. which is good for him ofc but sucks bc he'll never understand what its like. ive never showed him nude pics of somebody else. ive never looked at anything nude even if it was a joke. i still dont understand why he even glanced at those pics of mari. like i really dont. he told me he glanced at it but still never gave me a reason why he did. did he do it to make it seem like he was paying attention ? or did he actually want to look? just why. it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about. and i know his thoughts are probably going to be "this happened so long ago" and "why do i have to keep explaining myself" but how can i not think he's attracted to other people/things when he literally sent me a pic of some other girls pussy, looked at basically cleavage pics of mari after making jokes abt wanting to fuck her, called other people pretty including one of his coworkers (he said it was "by societys standards" but its obvious that he basically thought she was pretty cause why else would he say that) , plus theres more that i cant even remember right now. and he wonders why im such an anxious mess and why i feel uncomfortable or on edge with so many things and yes most of it is due to my ex plus my own boundaries but all this shit adding up in my head makes it worse. im not going to say he doesnt love me bc im sure he does. but do i think im the only one he looks at ? no. if im being honest i dont even think he gets off to pics of me. i feel like he looks at other things. honestly even if he is telling the truth or does end up telling me the truth even more, would i even believe it ? probably not. but maybe it'll calm my anxiousness. but i doubt it. sometimes i wonder if im better off alone so i dont have to feel this way all the time. but i know ill be miserable without him. i just dont want to do this anymore.. i dont even think i want to live anymore.i feel drained. the thought of going out anywhere feels like too much work. even typing or being on my phone or playing games is too much work. ive been watching shows to distract myself and give me something to do but i still feel empty and exhausted. i used to think i wasnt as depressed anymore but why does it seem like its getting worse as i get older ? idk i really dont. i just want to be happy. thats my only wish. i want to be happy with my partner and forget all the bad things. thats all i want. so why is that too much to ask for? does happiness even exist ? is it all a lie ? do people truly feel happy ? the closest ive been to happiness is with him. but he's also the reason why my heart aches so much. i dont know what to do. i think i need sleep.

[eternalnightterrors]

sometimes i wonder, does he really mean what he says ? did he really not know or realize those things would upset me ? did he really mean it when he apologized ? even if he did mean it when he apologized, it doesnt rlly stop it from hurting any less.. He questions why im so anxious all the time or why im always questioning his actions but what else can i do ? ive never made him feel anxious the way he makes me feel anxious. which is good for him ofc but sucks bc he'll never understand what its like. ive never showed him nude pics of somebody else. ive never looked at anything nude even if it was a joke. i still dont understand why he even glanced at those pics of mari. like i really dont. he told me he glanced at it but still never gave me a reason why he did. did he do it to make it seem like he was paying attention ? or did he actually want to look? just why. it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about. and i know his thoughts are probably going to be "this happened so long ago" and "why do i have to keep explaining myself" but how can i not think he's attracted to other people/things when he literally sent me a pic of some other girls pussy, looked at basically cleavage pics of mari after making jokes abt wanting to fuck her, called other people pretty including one of his coworkers (he said it was "by societys standards" but its obvious that he basically thought she was pretty cause why else would he say that) , plus theres more that i cant even remember right now. and he wonders why im such an anxious mess and why i feel uncomfortable or on edge with so many things and yes most of it is due to my ex plus my own boundaries but all this shit adding up in my head makes it worse. im not going to say he doesnt love me bc im sure he does. but do i think im the only one he looks at ? no. if im being honest i dont even think he gets off to pics of me. i feel like he looks at other things. honestly even if he is telling the truth or does end up telling me the truth even more, would i even believe it ? probably not. but maybe it'll calm my anxiousness. but i doubt it. sometimes i wonder if im better off alone so i dont have to feel this way all the time. but i know ill be miserable without him. i just dont want to deal with this anymore.. i dont even think i want to live anymore.

he claims he didnt know some of this stuff was wrong but how did he not know. isnt most of it common sense ? i dont want to tell him any of this because he'll either get mad or feel guilty but what can i do. everythings piling up again and i feel like im suffocating. he gets mad sometimes and doesnt understand why this stuff still upsets me. dont you think i wish i could forget it too ? it hurts me way more than it hurts you. you may feel hurt if im being distant or cold. or if it seems like im accusing. but for me. it hurts. it hurts so much. and i dont know whether to cry, throw upp, punch something, hurt myself , or anything . i really dont. i dont want to be like this anymore either. if i could just disappear i would. i havent had such dark thoughts in a while but lately everythings been swallowing me whole and i cant even stop for a second to breathe. im doing everything i can to distract myself but these thoughts wont go away. why wont they go away. what did i do so wrong. why me of all people. why do i have to hurt so bad. i dont want this pain anymore. i dont even think i want to feel anymore.

[eternalnightterrors]

lol i lost my best friend of 2 years. got into an argument with my bf and now my own mother probably hates me love that for me lmfao. why is my life so damn dramatic dskhdsjsh

[eternalnightterrors]

im really tired of questioning if he even loves me . Like at this point I really don't think he does. He barely does anything with me and if he does it's for a week max and that's it. He doesn't write me things anymore or send me sweet messages. Everything just feels so empty. I feel like I'm fighting for his affection and I shouldn't have to.

[eternalnightterrors]

I can't sleep but I don't know what to say or do anymore. Like I really don't. The only thing I wanted to do today was play gta but that was ruined for me so yeah. And I can't sleep either so what do I do. Just sit here ? Whatever ig..

[eternalnightterrors]

I really might as well just keep everything to myself from now on. Just deal with being upset by myself. Deal with being hurt by myself. Deal with being uncomfortable by myself. Because everytime I do it just gets out of control. He doesn't understand and then I blow up. And then he gets mean. So it's whatever. I'll just deal with my own hurt by myself. I really just wanted to play a game with him. That's it. A simple game. But him saying he doesnt want to play really upset me. But whatever.