#but thats a whole nother post i think lol

[dreadfuldevotee]

very glad I follow so many loumand enthusiasts like you. there will always be idiots detracting from what they had together but louis & armand liked each other! that is a very important part of the story! they had intelligent conversations and clung together to escape loneliness the way all vampires do and tried their best to take care of each other despite being way, way too fucked up to even care for themselves.

Ha, thank you! It saddens me that I feel like im out here fighting demons over them, but not that much because I love talking about them. If Loumand has no fans, I am dead and there is no afterlife because I would be scratching my feelings out on them on all the walls in Rolin Jones's house.

And, yes! It's really easy to point out all the ways these two didn't mesh that I feel like we don't spend enough time talking about how they fall together in the first place!

Louis is trying to find what it means to be himself, now with Lestat seemingly dead and the growing distance between him and Claudia, and is attracted to Armand's allure. Their courtship is a lot more classically romantic in their long walks along the river and philosophical conversations over smokey Parisian backdrops. It's not really touched upon, but Armand is vastly educated (a grumbling acknowledgement of a rare MDR good move) and willing and capable of engaging with Louis in ways Lestat wasn't (Season 1 conflicts sprouting in no small amount out of Lestats unwillingness and inability to understand Race). Coming off that explosive dynamic of Loustat, Louis finds Armand as a more easeful experience. I think it certainly helps that even Claudia, judgemental of Louis' romanticisms, is unthreatened by Armand's advances on Louis until he quite literally puts his hands on her.

For Armand, Louis is a breath of fresh air. Once again- hating his job and the role he plays, Armand is so attracted to Louis' independence and connection to humanity. He's not only curious about Louis but also feels safe with him. Its easy to misunderstand the bench scene, but that moment is about Louis speaking to that scared child Armand revealed to him and saying "I am staying here with you, you aren't alone", and Armand's metaphorical sigh of relief that he can share this burden with anyone else. If i had to describe their relationship in one word, the answer is easily "Safety"

[cleromancy]

i do think that insisting we should ~let~ jason get his own ~stuff~ instead of just ~stealing his big brother's~ (real actual opinion regarding jasons friendship with roy i had to see with my own two eyes) ... is coming from a very bland and ahistorical place wrt jason characterization.

like, not even going to start talking about brothers in blood bc im not going to ask you to take the "tentacle monster jason steals a nightwing suit and vores a guy" arc seriously for characterization choices...

but look, i really don't think it would be wrong to call jason the hand-me-down robin. for a while jason inherited what dick either left behind, or else walked behind him in his shadow. and looking at preboot jason specifically, post-resurrection jason has a complex relationship to the relics and symbols of the past--and what they mean to the tragedy of his life and death--where they simultaneously make him angry, he resents them, but also he actively surrounds himself with them at all times. it's part of his whole thing where he's purposely making himself a revenant; this is not something he's likely to give up doing as long as he's going by the name the red god damn hood.

anyway. robin. ...can i just say nuff said? whether its the copy-pasted circus background strawberry blond colorswap jason or how being robin gives him magic, robin was this whole thing for him, you might have heard about it. probably you can draw the connections yourself.

but as far as hand-me-down friendships go--this is, very explicitly in the text, the deal with jason!robin and donna in their very moving situation in new teen titans. she saw the uniform and wanted to react as though he were dick and look to him to lead, and at the time Jason's not at all offended, but he does have to establish that. he's not dick, which was what she was looking to him to be. and they do rekindle their relationship after jason is resurrected but ummmmm. it was in countdown lol. there was a lot going on in countdown.

anyway jason and *barbara* is significantly less on-the-page than jay and donna--btw all of this is preboot do not talk to me about post-reboot barbara. i am not joking--but he did fall into a friendship with her too, and what few interactions we do have from that time are both really cute and very reminiscent of robin-dickie and babsgirl. on top of that barbara was his tutor, and she was one of the (counting on my fingers) four. i believe. people at jason's funeral. shes notably absent *during* under the hood except for a conversation bruce and dick have about how she washed her hands of them lmao, and jason explicitly making a parallel btwn what the joker did to him and to her in the climax. after that i don't recall any incidents of her mentioning him or anything like that... not off the top of my head anyway.

anyway. there is also, of course, bruce. according to starlin, who we hate, something something bruce was lonely and missed dick so he scooped a new orphan off the street. whatever starlin. wolfman also toys with this idea but with significantly more nuance, leaning into the ways bruce might be different with a second war-- oh, excuse me, what was that?

yeah see bruce actually adopted this one

which is where the hand-me-down thing starts quivering trembling falling to pieces. it is, i think, a pretty fair reading of *whistles* the time period immediately before, up through, and after the crisis was redefining bruce and dicks history together to take it as... bruce was a lot less complicated with jason than he was with dick. not out of loving dick any less, because. well. bruces interpersonal issues have never stemmed from a deficit of love for the people he hurts, and lets down. and i do think thats a whole nother post, and its certainly not the only reading even just of the bits of canon im referencing right now, but for the sake of argument just suppose bruce was more consistent, and tbh *way* more of a dad, to robin-era jason than he was to dick.

but jason, i think, was too young to get that, without also the outside perspective that would let him see that bruce and dicks relationship wasnt *just* strained bc dick left. that actually maybe dick and bruces relationship was, fundamentally, a whole different animal than what jason had with bruce.

and we do have indications that jason saw dick as a perfect example he could never live up to (remember when i said i wasnt going to get into brothers in blood. Well i lied. its almost as gauche as it is outlandish). and as interesting as it is to consider how jasons perspective would have developed as he grew up if he had that stable loving relationship with bruce--and, imo, personally experienced it falling apart in real time the way dick did--thats not whats on the page. so, again, we have jason and these relationships and perspectives from before his death, frozen forever, and we have jason the revenant wreaking havoc on two relationships in particular--the one with bruce, and the one with dick--and, for the most part, leaving the others from before his death alone. (iirc, he pretty much stumbled into the thing with donna instead of seeking her out... don't actually take my word on that one though.) even alfred--and we do actually have interactions that support that they were pretty close, it's not just fanon; among other things theres a tear-jerker that culminates in alfred and jasons ghost having tea together--jason doesn't especially make any attempt to connect (or menace, as the case may be) except for the fucking rare first edition book thing, which was 100% about bruce anyway. god i love the fucking first edition book thing.

anyway. after his big bad master plan very literally blows up in his face, jason proceeds thereafter to rattle around the dc universe(s), deeply lonely and ever so fucking unwell, aimlessly menacing people, causing ruckuses, being a scoundrel, etc. also! murder. lots n lots of murder. he's a busy little bee. (for the record--anytime someone says jason tried to kill someone, go ahead and double check that for yourself. imo the only time A Wild Jason Attacked! and its actually ambiguous whether he expected them to survive--preboot--is battle for the cowl. generally speaking when jason puts his whole hoodussy into killing someone, he succeeds.) (battle for the cowl is also, for the record, one of the worst books detective comics comics has ever fucking shat out. worse than the tentacle monster jason vore arc, which is at least FUN. ----and also, i do think its worth noting that both possible victims of gun batman [large version, not to be confused with gun batman small version], tim and damian, are up and about pretty soon after what do look like potentially lethal injuries. and tim Jason does have pretty good reason to think died albeit from a wound that absolutely should not have killed him (but from jasons pov its like he hit tim with a batarang that shattered and killed him instantly which is. really funny). it's just like. we don't really know what was going thru tony daniels mind at the time. like *if* tony daniel had any thoughts at all, its entirely possible all he had between his ears writing/drawing it was lint and elevator music.) (this isnt even me being a jason apologist, this time anyway. i think if jason had killed tim for real that would have been high camp. battle for the cowl is just so goddamn badly written and stupid.)

anyway. no, i don't think what jason needs is to Stop Stealing Dick's Friends. i also think that "he was dicks first >:(" re roy is the dumbest argument ever to say as a person reading comics, but also extremely funny bc. well. dick would agree with you. dick would love it if jason got his own friends and left his (not jason's >:()(dick's)(dick's friends) alone. however like. dick grayson is not well. i know i distracted you by talking at length about what an absolute basket case jason is, but dick is also an insane person and prone to irrational jealousy and can not, and should not, get everything he wants. sorry dickie but the good news is: theyll still be your friends even if they're also jasons friends. and, given the fact that jason is extraordinarily prickly and difficult to get along with (on purpose), theyll probably even still like you better.

anyway look. what it boils down to is, post-resurrection jason as a character will always be defined by his own death. not only is it the central trauma of his life, he actively remade himself around it. and part of that is how he relates now as the self-made revenant to the hand-me-down pixie boots he used to fill. and you want him to completely stop doing this...why? because itd be "healthier"? what are you, a cop?

but no really like. yeah actually i do want jason to make some better choices, be on the stable side, be a fully developed antihero who poses a moral counterpoint to the bats, asks difficult questions, causes problems on purpose but not in a way where he's purposely burning down everything he loves, etc. i do want those things. but i think ripping him away from his past makes (...made...) him unrecognizable, and generic, and doesnt really take the character in an interesting direction that actually tracks with the character concept established in under the hood and developed (such as it was) in the *waves hands* aforementioned stories. according to ~me~ anyway, obviously when it comes to writing everyone can do what they want forever, unfortunately up to and including my enemy scott lobdell who i would dearly love to kill with a rock. for his crimes.

did i ever actually explain why i think its interesting & compelling for jason personally to keep throwing him at dicks friends? ...maybe not. but i did lay some groundwork and talk about one of my favorite boys. and in the end well roy is one of my other favorite boys so like. stream green arrow, vote worlds finest: teen titans, put your money where your mouth is and support our boy. (i am referring to roy obviously. jason can die in a ditch.)

[llumimoon]

Pssst Cal in a dndads Voltron AU which teen do you think would control each lion? ,':) (yeah Hermie is included here lol there's 5 lions after all!)

BABA YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ... I ALREADY ASSIGNED ALL THE TEENS LIONS BEFORE. I'VE THOUGHT ABT IT TWICE NOW WITH LIKE A MONTHS LONG GAP BETWEEN..... You came to the right place is all I'm saying JWBEVAJHAHAHA

Okay lets get the most obvious one to me out of the way, which is Link in the Yellow Lion. Like. First of all the fact that Yellow is A LEG and also Yellow representing kindness .... I think he really does support the team and grounds them in many aspects. Also Yellow is bulky like a dnd paladin LMAO it just makes the MOST sense to me? Yellow also being the color I associate with Link so maybe that gives me a slight bias lmaooo

The rest are. LESS clear to me. I HAVE already settled on an arrangement I'm more or less okay with but I could make a lot of arguments for alternative placements !! I will also admit maybe the places I settled on are a little color biased?

The Lions DO kind of have traits associated with each one except its. much less clear in some cases than others and I had to be a little flexible bc in my opinion NONE of the teens r like . smart enough for the Green Lion JWBECWUAGAHAA like they're all smart in their own ways and I do bend some rules a little to make their smarts work as an argument but I feel like Green is more book smart than anything which makes it difficult.

Uhmmm everyone else from here on out has at least two lions I could argue for and then I'll say which one I settled on? But like if you disagree thats totally fair LMAO like I said many assignments can be considered

Scary I mainly thought about the Black or Red Lion... There's the whole. Scary's the leader! Thing and also the idea of power corrupting... but also she can be pretty impulsive which is why I considered Red, also her tendency to have fire based magic mishaps LMAO I think Scary shows a lot of growth and inner reflection and also she has good insight on how the others seem to be feeling even if she doesn't always act on it or use it in the right way, so I could see that as the markings for the beginning of a Black Lion learning to be the leader type arc? Also to be honest shes the Main and practically Only contender for Black so she ends up getting it by default.

Hermie I think could be the Blue or Green Lion. I don't actually remember if they say IN THE SHOW what the Blue Lion stands for, but like. I've read so much Lance fanfic LMAO that to me it stands for Flexibility and what is Hermie if not flexible. Maybe too flexible? In the sense of. She will fill any role that is needed or given to her, like water will. I also thought Green bc to me Hermie is a character who is VERY in his head. Like they overthink to the point of looping back around to stupid again but also shes always playing mind games with other people. Hermie seems to always be one step ahead or at least is good at pretending they are. Also you can say the nature stuff is Hermie in his poison ivy era. Green is also pretty small and easy to damage which lines up with how fragile he is in a fight and maybe you could make an argument for the camouflage being like shapeshifting? idk. Anyways I decided on Green I think.

Normal I think I'm biased bc he's my fav and Lance was my old fav and I already made a post before about how I think they're similar and would get along and ANYWAYS LMAO I think its clear I gave him Blue. Something something, the legs being the support of the team something something water meaning flexibility but also ice can be stubbornness something something how I associate Normal (and lowkey the Doodler) with water (a whole nother thing to get into u can ask me to elaborate later) etc. I also played around with the idea of him in Red as Scary's right hand bc . shakes them . I think it could possibly fit but not as well? Fire isn't really Normals thing. I also briefly considered him for Black bc Normal is usually the one pushing the group towards a certain goal, but also his plans kind of never end up going through so I was like hmm not sure about that one. Blue I think is the best fit for him in the end which is why everyone else ended up where they did.

TAYLOR. Ok process of elimination you probably already figured out that I chose Red for him BUT I also considered Blue and Green. Green is fun bc you can play with his roughish abilities, like hiding and sneak attacks. His knowledge is more obscure facts and survival skills but I think it's enough to be a contender! I cannot explain the Blue stuff its all vibes in my head but trust me . I think also leaning into, Blue and Yellow are the legs that support and stabilize the team thing, Taylor is actually pretty good at keeping a cool head all things considered. Red, yes maybe slightly process of elimination but COME ON ITS BIG SWORD AND ALSO FIRE POWERS!!! Taylor would love that shit. Also going zoom zoom fast. Also the Red Lion is the second in command/right hand of the Black Lion and it just fits Taylor's protagonist vibes LMAO I think he usually is off doing is own thing which is also very Red Lion.

So to summarize: Scary Black, Taylor Red, Hermie Green, Link Yellow and Normal Blue.

Again I could totally see the justification for shuffling them around a bit but this is the assignments I settled on? The colors lining up is also nice I will not lie. I also could see an alternate universe where Normal is Red, Hermie Blue and Taylor Green, I think thats my second most favorable arrangement.

LMAO SORRY I DIDNT MEAN TO MAKE THIS SO LONG I'VE JUST THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT IT BEFORE. AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE. I take sorting my characters into categories VERY seriously 😤 enrichment for me.

[auspex]

Haha, I like seeing your wall of text about Mark and his adventures! :D

Lanford has been really sheltered in their Chantry (and abusively controlled by their Sire) since their Embrace in the 70s! And they've actually never had an incident of losing control to the Beast. So I think they'd say "Individuals are not monsters, that's simply a way of categorizing things which frighten or confuse us. Clinging to the belief that Kindred are 'monsters' rather than understanding we are a new life form with different needs and behaviors is like drawing 'here be dragons' on every map. It's just ignorance." Lanny is very fun to play because they are analytical and condescending. They HAVE been punched in the face by a Brujah for not knowing when to shut up XD

They know about the history of the Tremere as mages but they consider thaumaturgy to be perfectly consistent with the prior Hermetic practices, or maybe even superior since it's using the capabilities of vitae to power it. They've never met a mage before but they would be super excited about that! :0 Lanford has met fey creatures and gotten super messed up on their blood though.

Can I ask about Mark's relationship with his Sire? You mentioned his Sire has very powerful blood? (Or, is a low generation?)

hi im feeling like more of a human so i cna finally finish this post and resurrect it from my drafts i am so so sorry for the delay.

-

GOOD sometimes tremere nerds have to get punched in the face that's just the way it is. Mark can relate to being abusively controlled by their sire or at least, he would if he really realized it <3

Hehe Lanny you don't know shit if you don't know about how much stronger mages are. Too good.

-

OK yes so Mark's sire is super old idk why the ST lowkey gave special snowflake syndrome but whatever he can have a sire thats over a thousand years old as a treat.

gasp. yes, that means he was around when the tremere went from a mage house to a vampire clan. that's nuts! he was already older than most humans because he was a mage trying to extend his lifespan. thats how he's so GotDamn old.

His name is Julius. I think he's technically 8th gen but he did weird blood sorcery shit to make Mark essentially an 11th gen as far as blood potency is concerned. He uses Mark as a spy/errand boy but Mark doesn't mind because, due to high level blood bond, he thinks Julius helps him a lot (technically does ig) and is really happy when he pleases Julius.

He is starting to recognize that, rationally, the only reason to help him would be out of fear, but the blood bond is still there oc which makes it complicated.

Julius keeps him financially stable, will fulfill basically any minor request Mark makes of him, and due to his high position in the Tremere keeps him safe politically just by being his sire.

In return Mark gives him weekly reports, does various spying things when requested, (largely against Julius's rival, Gaius, which is a whole nother' story), and is basically at his beck and call.

For his part Mark is mostly in awe of Julius, terror in the classical sense; sees him as super powerful, wants to please him; but at the same time recognizes that Julius is fairly like, inhuman and awful, so hides how much he cares abt humans and such, in fact he kinda feels ashamed of it, which is sad :(

Julius had Mark's ex spy on him before his embrace/while they were still dating - he didn't directly do it, but ordered another kindred to get info on Mark and thats how he did it. Basically ruined Sampson's life. So yeah. pretty fucked. A quote that lives in my head rent free is when Mark was concerned about sampson and asked Julius abt him for the first time Julius said "You can have many Sammys" so he clearly doesnt like. get it. lol.

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent personal medical long post

So the shit week continues. No new painkillers, i took the last expired hydrocodone, so if im still in pain tomorrow im gonna have to cut a morphine in half and see if i can tolerate it (i took a whole 15mg one on sunday when my back pain first went out, and while it helped it was way too much painkiller and i got so nauseous. The hydrocodone is 1/3 of the morphine dose, and i dont know how to cut this tiny fucking morphine pill into 3. I dunno if its even big enough to be cut in half!!)

The specialist did get me a back xray which was normal (as expected), and physical therapy, which is good, except i can only attend if i get an appointment within 2 weeks, because after that i wont have a ride, and the distance to walk there is 2.5 miles steep downhill (fine. Ive done that walk before. It would suck because of the pain.) But coming back home after the appointment would be 2.5 miles steep uphill when im probably extremely sore and can barely walk after physical therapy (has always been the case whenever ive gone to pt) and i dont think i can fucking do 5 miles. I can hardly walk the stairs in my house. (Warned u bout the stairs dogg) The occasional 3 mile round trip that i do to go to the post office when i dont have access to a car is bad enough that it puts me out of commission, especially bc its all uneven terrain no sidewalks.

I tried calling anyway and its voicemail so theyre probably at lunch right now. But it still sucks. Im so fucking tired of this.

I hate having to rely on other people - doctors or family. I hate having to make and attend so many appointments. And im not even fucking doing everything i need to. I saw this pt place has pain management (i didnt think there was any in this area so i gave up on that) so i can try asking for that too, but again, thats more appointments i need to coordinate, and last time i did pain management they basically said "see a psychiatrist for antidepressants or try medical marijuana bc we cant do anything else for you" lmao (i did the mm despite never having tried it before. It helps but its not enough lol). My current psychiatrist has exhausted every medical option for my depression. So its either they give me painkillers or something else idk what, or i just stay home and continue to suffer.

And thats a whole nother thing the rheumatologist today was like "oh why did you stop antidepressants if youre in so much pain??" My duDE I WAS SO MISERABLE AND COULDNT DO ANYTHING AT ALL. FOR FIVE FUCKING YEARS. Once i stopped antidepressants, i was able to start exercising regularly, i started drawing and writing with more enjoyment (had not drawn with regularity since 2019!!), i am more present in life, like... doing antidepressants was the worst fucking 5 years of my life. None of them helped my depression, they only made me worse. I tried every branch of them and not a single one helped. Im still fucking depressed and anxious as shit taking methylphenidate but hard evidence points to it being a great help compared with anything else ive ever taken. God that fucking "treatment resistant depression" diagnosis was the worst fucking thing. Theres like nothing else to try except super niche experimental treatments that insurance wont cover and they dont accept secondary insurance (which is the one that i could probably get to cover a new treatment but it takes a lot of coordination on both parties, like what im doing for my tmj problems and getting aligners). Ughhh. I dont wanna fucking do experimental shit either. Unless someone wants to donate me an ayahuasca vacation or something lmao. (Joke, i dont have a passport and i dont wanna pause all my other meds)

It sucks that none of my medical problems are treatable. I got permanent depression/anxiety/ocd/whatever other things that are undiagnosed despite my requests for testing. Permanent endometriosis (no cure and my body isnt accepting the medical or sugical treatments). Lifelong teeth problems (unknown if this new treatment will help my teeth or jaw yet but like.. arthritis is also lifelong and damage is damage). Arthritis thats lifelong but Mostly managed, at least during warm seasons. Permanent untreatable fibromyalgia (the antidepressants are the only medical treatment for it and never helped with pain, maybe even made it worse, and no one wants to give me painkillers anymore since like 2015. Sucks that old people can get painkillers like candy but because im young and hide my pain really well i get treated like an addict. My mom was like 'your gramma gets painkillers all the time!!' Yeah but im not in my 70s. Theres age bias here.) I got chronic untreated gerd (well, i take otc meds, and my attempts to treat it got canceled bc thats when covid was rampant, and the doc stopped prescribing me stronger meds bc i hadnt seen him in a while, bUT I LITERALLY COULDNT GET IN BC OF COVID. I just dont eat any of my favourite acidic foods anymore. I miss tomatoes. Sometimes i gotta eat them and just triple up on 3 different antacids and deal with the sore throat the next day). Well, was gonna say i got chronic insomnia but thats probably the only thing thats fully treated by 2 meds and sometimes weed. (But like. Im a nightowl. Its just that i have to fit in with society to get up in the morning for appointments. I have that like delayed body clock issue lol. So in a way it kind of is still a chronic issue, but at least im getting a full night of sleep when the body pain isnt extreme.)

But yeah. It sucks to be me. Dunno where im going w this post. Its just so frustrating when youre telling the doctor you're in constant pain and hes like 'i know. See you in a couple months.' Rheumatologists are supposed to treat fibro. But i always get hot potatoed to the next doctor. Like i get it, i am untreatable, but someone please do something! Ugh. Like theres really no options besides painkillers or weed, and i can only use weed in the evenings bc my family doesnt approve (literally said the most vile shit when i mentioned the pain clinic recommended it), plus cant use it if im gonna drive somewhere - in theory, i dont have a license lol but the point is i shouldnt have to take an intoxicant during the day!! Painkillers at the lowest dose do not intoxicate me, and in fact, make me more lucid bc it lifts the fucking fog of pain!! Wish doctors would understand how much they helped me in the past. When i was on the combo of painkillers and the arthritis med im on now, i was literally going for jogs every fucking day. I have proof of it. I probably couldnt do that now bc im a lot heavier and a lot sicker, but the point is i can be more active if im not in pain, and being active helps both the arthritis and fibro! Ughhhh.

Online is like "painkillers have not been shown to help fibro" bull fucking shit. Maybe im an odd one out. But ive been diagnosed since i was 12 and fit the fucking symptoms. They fucking help and ive been off them for so many fucking years now while all my health has deteriorated. Do you know how miserable it is to find out you have fibromyalgia affecting the nerves around your teeth? On top of my tmj problems!! I can barely eat anything since starting the aligners because my mouth is in too much pain!!

The only thing painkillers havent helped was the fucking endometriosis, which ironically, is the only reason i even have painkillers on hand for my back injury.

And god fuck i do not want to think abt the endo. Theres no quality of life when im panicking every day about when the next flare up is gonna happen. Theres no hope there bc theres no treatment that works for me. I already had a hysto but it was probably too late since the endo spread. Idk if im gonna survive the next flare. Especially because i have to stop taking the med that was possibly helping since ive been on it too long. The doctors ive been seeing have just been like "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it" which is just causing more anxiety because the bridge is like. This next month. Whenever theres a flare up, i have to stop ALL my arthritis meds just so i can take advil since thats the only thing that provides me some relief (and thats terrifying bc advil has given me an ulcer before! Because of taking it during a period and i was in too much pain to sit up for 10 minutes after taking it. Fuck endo.) Idk what to do.

Anyway. Thats the sitch. Ill try calling for pt again since this took a while to type. If theyre still closed, well, i guess ill just go fuck myself.

[bi-ftm-on-main]

So any further updates about that bi girl friend from the party you hosted? The one that wanted someone casual on the side.

alas, nothing's happened since then

partially because ive been busy stressing over my classes (and im sure she's also busy, uni exams and whatnot) and also cos other than big whole-friendship-group parties i only really see her when we're hanging out with another separate friend whos on holiday in america until idk when (but even then he never wants to hang but thats a whole nother issue).

knowing myself, there is no way that im actually going to message her and be like "hey remember how we joked about that aha...👀" (even though i have been thinking about her) so i guess i'll just wait until the next friends birthday (which is early december) to see her.

(also i told her about this account while at the party, she dosent even use tumblr so im sure she'll not ever find it but like it would be an ice breaker lol)

ALSO something i forgot to mention. ok so i made another vague post about me sleeping over at a pan dudes house like a couple weeks or so ago and guys, hes the dude that this bi girl used to date/friends-with-benefits-situation with. like, i swear i have other friends lol but like what r the chances that these (good looking) queer fucks are just the two that got together ages ago.

honestly, a dream threesom lmao. BUT. they kinda hate eachother now. so i'll have to pick just one if i want to get with someone (in the hypothetical future where i have a chance)

but anyway tldr, no updates :(

[randombubblegum]

When did Otto and gr*ce actually start dating? Like I know it was the sane year that she ended things with Awsten but how long did she wait before dating Otto?

actually its so great that you asked this bc ive been wanting to talk about it for ages :) the answer? literally less than a month!!!! :)

awsten and gr*ce broke up at the earliest late july 2015, at the latest early august. when did gr*ce go after otto? well :)

taking a look at the dates of this post from july 2018, the answer is literally august of 2015, aka the same month :) she ended it with awsten :)

and not only did awsten not know about it (as he clarifies quite explicitly in his book) gr*ce also didnt announce it publicly (maybe also to awsten?) until january 2016 bc she KNEW it was fucking shady as hell. and the only reason she announced it at all was bc parx was going on tour and she knew ppl would flip if they saw her there with otto lol! such a normal thing to do :)

[mymagnificentself]

28.08.2020

made a bracelet, like i planned for a long time (picture below)

bar + friends

nice food for lunch

getting to sleep in a bit longer and car

oh, pancakes for breakfast

lots of sleep, sleeping mask

take out dinner

something scary happened but i handled it well and got all the support

i guess in terms of taking authorship over your own story i did that unintentionally

heres the bracelet (the white part glows in the dark)

[boobchuy]

ok talk 2 me about amphibia wandersong au. what are the plantars/grime up to. is andrias the baron

JHSGJHG OK OK OK

First off.. anyone who wants to play wandersong for themselves or watch a playthrough of it I recommend not reading this post to avoid SPOILERS!!! There will be lots of that here (and I also recommend not reading it even if u don’t mind, wandersong is something best experienced for urself blind :’) but again, that’s just my own opinion! Feel free to do whatever u want :thumbsup: )

This is all under read more for above reason… and the undeniable fact that this will be novella type long ramblings. I am so sorry.

I have to admit before anything else that I haven’t been able to give much thought to what happens to the other characters in this au ToT. amphibia’s cast doesn’t compare to the whole of wandersong’s ! so ive thought of keeping most of the characters in the game to here and maybe swapping a few of them where it most fits… most of everything im gonna be saying here is highly subject to change!!

NOW ONTO THE ACTUAL CHARACTERS U ASKED LMFAO SORRY THIS IS… SO LONG.

Im not actually sure whether its best to make the amphibians human or keep them as amphibians. Making them human seems like the logical choice, but wandersong as a world is quirky enough where no one would bat an eye at humanoid frog people, lol, but I digress! Anything would work, really

The most ive thought about the plantars is that anne lives w them over at Delphi! Some wartwoodian folk live at the town, some don’t. most of them fit more in langtree tbh, but whatever fits whatever. Annes backstory has changed a lot too. For one thing, she and the plantars aren’t related by blood, and so she is the only witch known to live in the town. (she was kinda regarded similarly in season 1 canon as a ‘monster’) in short, annes adopted! And the plantars were the only ones willing to take her in to their home. And yes they are still farmers in this au.

Grime (and the toads in general) is……………. difficult to think about since like, they don’t have any sort of foundation for them T_________T one of the saddest things abt Audrey is how she literally had… no one on her side that she was close to on a personal level, or at the very least no one was shown or was there any implication that there was. Eyala is there, but that was only due to circumstance, and everyone who has played wandersong knows how that even ended up in canon. And as such, m’not sure what to make of grime’s role o(-( I am so sorry. Ive thought of swapping him w eyala, but that does NOT fit at all. The next best thing is that the toads would be new characters and that sasha would actually have other support systems throughout the whole plot, but she’d probably be more distant from them in comparison to canon.

As for the newts. Oh boy. Another difficult thing to tackle, though a bit less than the toads since theres something to scrounge for here. Andrias could def fit the baron! Regarding him as like, the Big Guy and santa claus and all. But as marcy’s dad? That’s where it gets complicated I think kjhkjhsdfjk. Man its so hard to think about their families in this when we’ve got little to no content of them in canon :’) annes was easy since in-game theyre… *coughs*, but anyways back to marcy

Im not sure on what to do w her parents, of keeping them as in the game or in amphibia. Marcy kinda fits kiwis personality to a certain extent if I kept them as the former. Like, I imagine her moving away from home to get away from her fam and Chismet in general. [holding back from rambling abt marcys relationship w everyone bc im trying to focus on the newts] UHUH UHUH UH I have a feeling its best to keep her parents as in the game (viable to change if her parents in the show are ever revealed) and some newts in the show live in chismet

Andrias… what do I do with you big guy… Whatever it is he works in the factory, too. If he WERE to be the baron though, then thats a whole nother can of worms to open. So much stuff to unpack here in regards to what happened to him and how he got there. (oh my god imagine the core as the stupid happy kid toy. That’s so.)

as for Olivia and yunan. They live in chismet and work for the factory as well, Olivia can fit elmer to a certain degree, though except of being… what he is in the game, she’d kinda be less intense and is actually privy to the plan to take the factory down. Yunan is also a part of said plan, whether she takes elara’s role is something im not sure of. I imagine yulivia to just kinda be these two dancing around each other, and in the end of everything is when they talk things out :’)

GOD ALRIGHT. UHM. This is long. And this doesn’t even cover HALF of what wandersong is. Lots of stuff to work on here. If anyone else has ideas feel free to send em to me whether in asks or like, reblog this post!!

And again, this is all subject 2 change !!! this au is less of fitting everything and more of me having fun w the calamity trio and cramming them into kiwi, miriam and audrey’s roles in wandersong lol. I cant even begin to think of how to manage all of that the other way around kjhdfkhdfg

That said, if the person reading this hasn’t, please check out wandersong!!!! It is so deeply, deeply underrated, and it has given me so many reasons to smile in the past few years ive known it!!! If u have time of ur day where u just want to relax and be a bard and save the world and sing ur silly little songs, this game is a must >:D

[endersdead]

putting this under the cut bc it’ll be long but i just want to explain how i think our system works

ok so we’re polyfrag & its been really hard to figure out our system structure (especially bc we dont have an accessible inner world). but the way i think it works is that we have these little… idk pockets? i guess maybe a subsys but it works a little bit different than that. & the way things go is that one pocket will be able to access front for a few days/weeks/maximum a few months, and then we get rotated out for a new pocket. these new pockets often are either new splits or “repurposed” fragments & there’s not a ton of memory sharing between pockets besides our general grey/blurry/specific memories (which basically only come to us in situations where we need it and then they immediately get wiped). some alters can move between pockets but thats very difficult and doesnt happen often. i’d need to do a whole ‘nother post to cover how our fragments & memories work because wow thats a lot too. anyways back to the system mechanics lol. i visualize the system sort of like the clock mechanism in the 2nd hunger games… u know this one:

and like our gatekeeper(s) aka “administration” can rotate us in and out. i dont know anything about administration and i dont think anyone really does. our dissociative barriers are so high & our communication is so rough lol. but admin definitely exists and definitely has a massive amount of power/influence in the system. its all very difficult to understand… yeah idk i mostly just wanted to get this down somewhere and try and not feel crazy for it all bc who the fuck am i gonna talk to about this irl lmao. if u read this far hi!! im handing u a slice of my orange :)

[miladysatsuki]

ok my post about talking about 3.0+1.0 kawoshin & kaworus development got a few likes so I’m going to ramble under the cut about mostly kawoshin & kaworu but actually about all of the pilots & the whole movie.

SPOILER WARNING FOR EVANGELION 3.0+1.0 also out of context spoilers for pmmm in the second to last paragraph I’m just comparing the two

So, first of all I’m going to say some general movie thoughts: I liked the movie, I know there are some polarizing opinions. I agree that Asuka and Mari both deserved more development and attention. However Asukas “confession” at the EoE mirrored scene really did not feel romantic to me like it felt very much just accepting that like no I do actually care about you Shinji despite always pushing you away I do want well for you and always have, but I didn’t know how to deal with that truth and my own pain at the same time. Asuka is not tsundere, she does not have romantic feelings for Shinji and never has. I will die on this hill. She may have wanted him to want her to validate herself but, thats a different can of worms.

Mari and Shinji running off together at the end, OBVIOUSLY the implication is they’re together but I feel like they intentionally left it a bit ambiguous for people who didn’t need/want to see Shinji in a romantic relationship. Like they easily could have shown her pregnant or kissing him or something and that would have been very blatant. I think the fact that she is the one who came up to him at the end instead of Asuka Rei or Kaworu is mostly fan service with a dash of letting the other three have room to be their own people separate of Shinji. Rei and Kaworu have never been their own person without their entire worlds revolving around Shinji and I think the visual of the two of them talking together at the end but still on the other side of the train station was a good way of showing like they are still relevant to Shinjis life but they get to explore their own worlds too. Obviously same goes for Asuka because she is the other side of the same coin with Shinji, she deserves to be her own person too. I also like to pretend after running off the train platform together they go to the other side & meet up with the others :)

ANYWAYS MORE ABOUT KAWORU SPECIFICALLY

I think its really interesting that almost every popular fan theory about him got confirmed in this new movie, even ones that had barely any basis in previous movies, and that they also dismissed the main popular homophobic opinion of “he was just using Shinji”. He truly wanted Shinji to be happy, because he wanted that to be enough to make himself happy. & I genuinely think he was aware and fully willing to keep living the loop for Shinji infinitely but Shinji recognizing the loop existing and acknowledging all that Kaworu had done for him already was also extremely releasing. Probably freed him from something he didn’t even know was trapping him at all. Kaji and Kaworus father/son moment was really sweet as well considering Kaworu is his own parents and has never known any kind of family.

I also have read some online takes that Rei and Kaworu are meant to be “together” at the end? but I really dont think standing next to one another constitutes a romantic relationship LOL. They’re definitely still/always siblings in my book. I also would like to think all the pilots kept their memories from the rebuild timeline, Kaworu keeping them from every timeline & Shinji having a blurry understanding of the existence of multiple timelines but not every detail.

I wonder if this implies Kaworu and Rei are fully human, I’m not sure how that works. Maybe he still is Tabris but angels pose no threat without evas anymore so he can just live amongst them like anyone else.

I also wanted to say like PMMM is another one of my dearest animes and something about Shinji pulling the Goddoka card to rewrite the universe without evas (without witches) but Yui facing the burden for him is so sweet. I can’t see it going any better way. Unit 01 obviously was taking as much damage for Shinji all along and her being able to be his final release from that pain is just, I don’t know how it could do any other way. I also don’t think I could handle it if it was exactly the same as PMMM and no one remembered Shinji. Shinji my beautiful baby boy who represents hope for humanity?? Completely forgotten?? thats too much even for me 😩 also this is a side note: I am absolutely in no way a Gendo apologist but I really appreciated him getting his loose ends tied off too, for Shinjis sake mostly. I don’t think Evangelion could have ended without Shinji gaining understanding for his father. Shinji understanding his father is another important aspect of Shinji representing humanity. It probably also allowed him to heal a little from Kaworu being “just like my father” like yeah, we all are, a little bit he’s also just a guy just like you. Gendo is the absolute tail-end of the spectrum of losing your hope and your humanity. The visual of Shinji using the lance of hope and Gendo using despair is obvi a very classic anime trope but I still liked it. Gendo losing Yui and letting it destroy him and Shinji losing Kaworu but using that to move forward and grow and keep Kaworu alive in spirit (also in real life but he didn’t know that at that point obvi). Chefs kiss.

anyways Shinji and Kaworu get a house together and live happily ever after :) idk I haven’t thought much about how they would live on post movie but I feel like the whole group would all be good friends + Toji and fam + Kensuke too of course. I could do a whole nother post about Toji and Kensuke 😫 I have so many feelings for evangelion lmk if u wanna hear LOL

[wormstar]

drop ur shadowclan lore please :]]!!!

yeahhh lets go

i find the idea of depicting shadowclan as like. token evil clan so fucking boring so i've mostly done away with the whole 'shadowclans regarded as violent and untrustworthy' world rule lol. instead theyre depicted as very observant and stealthy in a more mystifying kind of way. in particular they are nearly fully nocturnal and only stay up in the daytime for guard duty or to go to gatherings and such. all their patrols happen at night, and their hunting thrives in the darkness. probably just a cultural thing but they probably do have better developed eyesight and shit compared to other clans so cats who come to shadowclan later on have some trouble adjusting. their whole scheduling is regarded as weird by other clans too

a thing thats interesting to keep in mind is shadowclan effectively working as an opposite to the windclan ive got down. instead of being focused on their ancestors they focus on the living world (symbolically think of it as like. oh the sky's usually blocked out because they live in a pine forest. theyve got the most crowded territory all that) theyre the clan most focused on developing practical medicine, construction, etc. notably a huge food source for shadowclan is berries or other small fruit. shadowclan seers likely have organised 'gardens' near their camp too cause theyre more mindful of researching herbs. seers are very open about their healing practices and theyre usually known within the whole clan, alongside general practical knowledge that gets passed down. shadowclans very dedicated to 'research' within their territory and ensuring that information stays well known. theyre often open to sharing the stuff theyve found but other clans probably find less worth in it than they do lol

smth i liked in early tpb that just vanished was shadowclans tendency to scavenge things. and thats a whole nother food source but also i like them just grabbing large discarded twoleg objects and dragging them back to their camp to spruce up their barriers and dens - sometimes shadowclan cats may grab twoleg objects and use them cosmetically or to mark out places, as toys for kits, etc. having very strong objects literally woven into the walls of their camp is also how im gonna explain like. how they can just sleep through the day without worry of danger. theyre very insular cats who stick to the place they know and make it strong

in my windclan post i mentioned various warrior types so id say shadowclans are distinct plant scavengers, ones who investigate carrionplaces, and cats who do construction inside the camp. hunting is usually done by mixed patrols

structurally shadowclan places emphasis on their leader and though their seers are less starclan-oriented than the other clans they're regarded as important due to their technical knowledge and ability to heal. theres a huge involvement on the side of elders as like. the forefront of archiving and theyre treated with a lot of respect. theyre also relatively more active within the camp than other clans elders might be

[flockofdoves]

at least i’m a lot better at not like. compulsively oversharing in random facebook group comments as i was in 2019 when i first became super isolated. that was really embarrassing and probably uncomfortable to other people. but god even if i’ve always used this site as a diary (which regardless theres probably room to reevaluate how i approach that) i know i can feel i do it so much more these past couple years and i think i need that outlet but it really feels so shameful and i wish i could be in a part of my life where i didnt feel a need to jump to that. oh well

really do not want to make a 4th vent post so just tacking this on lol but like. i guess i cant really regret anything personally or speculate too much on how things might have been on a personal level when i know despite how awful living like this these past 2 years has felt that i’ve made decisions and shifted my thoughts about things in ways that will probably be good for where i go from here (although theres been a lot of negatives and detrimental things too. so i guess what i mean is its just neutral but its weird to think about how i might even have come to similar conclusions i now see as a good thing without knowing other potential ways i could have gone through life. which of course is besides the point because i cant so its better just to go from here good and bad even if thats easier said than done to at least not get somewhat hung up on it) but god (speaking on a very selfish level, of course theres so much more pertinent to so many people to lament here) feeling like i was just about to stop feeling isolated after a whole year only to immediately have it become necessary for that to continue for over a whole nother year now really felt so cruel of the universe for me lol. typing that all out i guess i’ve said that so many times before and i didnt manage to say anything new so sorry to rehash that vent lol. but i do feel some hope now im ok. just reflecting idk

[xpeachesncream]

MS NIKKI, i have been all over the place since uni started but i promise i go to your blog everyday🥺🥺.

first off, THE ENDING OF DRUNK TEXTING ?? namjoonie is my bias, so i knew i would love it already. BUT YOUR AMAZING TALENT BUT NAMJOON ON A WHOLE NOTHER LEVEL BABY. oh my god, i am so amazed with it that i am a loss for words. i saw the notification pop up and i found a corner and read it. the amount of excitment that left my body ? 🥺🥺. i do know i am deeply in love with namjoon.

OKAY, AND THEN WE GET A BEAUTIFUL PICTURE OF YOU ?? did i mention i have your post notifications on ? BECAUSE I DO. YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL !! and i am in love with your new hair !! i lowkey for the longest time was thinking of doing that too but i knew it wouldn't match me. BUT YOU BABY THATS ALL YOU ❤️❤️❤️❤️.

a new lowkey drabble too ?? oh my god you are spoiling us. Lowkey is one of my favorite stories from you and the fact that we are getting drabbles. i love you ❤️.

and last but not least, daydream. i am super excited for this series to come out. i have been reading a lot of dad fics lately and this one is just 🥺🥺.

once again, thank you for being who you are and thank you for making my day!! i'll talk to you soon ms. nikki. ✨☺️

MY ANGEL, my sweet love! ohhhh pls, sending you so many good vibes for the start of school! i know you'll do well and kick ass though 😚

ahhhhh screaming!!! i'm really happy to hear all of this, from the bottom of my heart 😭 this was so sweet, you are too good to me!! but thank you for always supporting me and for showing me endless love!

first, really glad to hear you enjoyed the ending for drunk texting because that one was t o u g h lol. i was having a hard time writing that one, i wasn't even sure if it'd be okay in time, but i'm really happy it ended up being better than expected. we love our joonie, we love the respectable man he is and we love that he can finally be there with OC every step of the way, even as her friend first and foremost! they have things to work on, but we all know their love is pure. ♥️

second, kfjgoidgouia omfg pls YOU ARE SO CUTE. i took a leap of faith with this hairstyle lolol i also wasn't sure about this but my friend always does one hell of a job with my hair so i knew i could trust her with it!! thank you baby, you are so so cute and so kind. i appreciate you more than you know.

third, hehe yessssss a lowkey drabble! i had to post it pretty early before kook's birthday since i'm still planning to upload cloud 9 and into it this week. hope you enjoyed that one!! might be a bit till the next 😅

last, i'm incredibly excited to share what i have in store for daydream and yoongi + suki. i truly hope you all will love it just as much as i have fallen in love with them already. ���

thank you for everything love, this really made my day [week, even]. i hope you are doing well and taking it easy! get plenty of rest and stay hydrated. rooting for you always, you have all my love 🥰

[matoitech]

hello u dont have to answer this if u dont want, but ur situation with gender is scarily similar to where im at except im in the mindset that im nb wlw and dont rlly kno whats going on. I guess if u kno how to explain it, I wanted to ask how u made that jump or how u could tell it isnt just a "womanhood is like that" kind of thing and is actually "i am a guy"

oh man i wish i had smth that would make it Click for u easier cuz i def understand being rly confused abt this kinda thing.. i got a few Thoughts, idk if they will help u out but hopefully they give u some more thoughts to chew on that will maybe help anyway. this got so long oh hell sorry gbfhg

i think like the main thing as like a tip b4 we get in2 the Meat of it is it is good to relax and b open to thinking abt bein a guy as a possibility, i dont know if this will make sense bc i do not know how to explain it rly but when i was struggling 2 figure stuff out what i had rly needed 2 know was that being a dif gender can just feel like You (but as u become more comfortable w it, you but happier!) for some reason i thought u had to meet certain criteria to b ‘allowed’ to make what seemed 2 me at the time a Leap but thats not how it works lol. u as u r right now can b a guy if u want to or r considering it. u dont have to feel different and u dont have to think abt ur body a different way or anything. sry if this part doesnt make sense its difficult for me to verbalize lol

it was hard for me personally bc ppl would b like ‘if u Want to b a dif gender than b one’ but like i said in those last posts, for a long time i genuinely did not know i Wanted to be a guy/was a guy, or whatever. i had no conscious longing about it or anything, that came later once i was more comfortable w accepting it. i didnt have ‘i want to be a boy/am a boy’ moments i can rly consciously remember putting into those words as a kid, cuz i just did not care about gender on that level till i was a teenager. like i cannot stress this enough, ur life and feelings abt gender n whatever do not have to match up with what u have commonly heard the trans experience is about. once u figure stuff out and r more comfortable w urself u may look back and notice things that may b like that common trans experience, but remembering this stuff or having these childhood experiences or whatever in the first place is not a ‘requirement’. like i said, no requirements for bein a dif gender

for me like.. knowing it for sure... making the Jump as it were. like its kinda embarrassing but literally the way i Found Out was i was feeling all sorts of things whenever i watched promare and i just felt this INTENSE longing whenever i saw galo that i later realized was just me rly feeling the Gender w him and being envious of that.. it had happened w other chars b4 growing up, but i had never rly noticed to that extent till now. and one night i was thinking my usual ‘i wish i looked like galo i wish i could be a guy’ maybe for the first time in like a Conscious thought, when i had never rly heard it in words b4, and i kinda stopped and was like. what? i WHAT? and then it clicked and it was like a euphoric moment for me. easily top 5 best 2 ams of my life. it is kind of a hyperspecific experience but it is also not UNCOMMON rly lol

also figuring out my sexuality was intertwined in that bc i was iding as a butch nonbinary lesbian and i had tossed the idea of ‘maybe id b more comfortable as a man’ around a bit but the idea of being a straight man didnt feel right 2 me, but luckily i kind of made the connection of wait im a man and im attracted to men at like the exact same time, it had to b both at once for me personally to figure it out and b happy about it. idk if thats smth going thru ur head at all but it was for me and was part of my Journey i guess and may help to think abt it a bit lol

and while yes its absolutely about what makes u more comfortable at the end of the day, i think it wouldve helped for me to hear ppl say that just bc the idea of being a dif gender (in this case Man) might make u feel confused and maybe even uncomfortable rn, that doesnt necessarily mean u r not one if youve been struggling w this and wondering, it might just mean u havent had that clicky moment and r ready to rly think abt it yet. i have grown much more comfortable w myself over time as ive figured this stuff out and i am still open to figuring out more abt myself and i think thats a good place to b at! just b open to stuff like this that u maybe had never thought would have a positive effect on you or make you happier.

speaking from experience i think if ur confused and maybe even miserable telling urself that womanhood is just like that and u gotta suck it up and get used to feeling uncomfortable and bad, u dont have to live like that! im not saying that ‘oh im actually a guy’ is gonna b what everyone who is struggling w thats answer is cuz obviously thats not true- and im not saying how i just described it is even how u feel- but like. as someone who thought that same thing but less consciously. womanhood does not have to be a confusing sad experience, its not an inherently miserable experience, it is possible it just isnt for you and trying smth else might make u feel better. and that can b rly hard to figure out in the moment, cuz ur Used to feeling like this and even if youve heard it can b different it might b hard to have that ‘oh theyre talking to ME, it can be different for ME not just everyone else’ moment lol

also i dont know if this is relevant to u but im saying it in general 2 anyone who needs it i guess; being a man isnt a bad thing and it doesnt make u an inherently bad person, manhood and masculinity r not inherently or naturally toxic or something. thats a harmful mindset to have for multiple reasons and a whole nother post so im not gonna b like and now a word about transphobic red flags but like, worth mentioning that that can b harmful or dangerous to trans ppl, transmascs and transfems.

my god this got rly long... if anyone else has went thru a similar thing and has anything 2 add, feel free to :0 hope i somehow got around to answering ur question w all the rambling! i am just one guy and my experience may or may not b helpful to hear about, especially bc my memory is not the best lol <3 hope it helped at all tho!

[aroperyton]

oh a popular aro experience/feeling?? that i dont relate to (i feel like every arospec person has at least one of those), is the idea that like, nonplatonic relationships inherently being More than platonic relationships to you is inherently wrong+malicious+amatonormative when i like someone nonplatonically not only is there numerous factors/parts of my attraction towards them, but things i do with them OUT OF ATTRACTION that places it above/More Than my platonic relationships both in importance/priority with the ppl i know And in how i feel about them elaborating;

>if im nonplatonically attracted to someone theres a lot that factors in to it, this person just Existing inherently makes me feel good in this and that and this and that way and when they say my name or call me this or say this kind of thing to me it makes me feel this and this and thinking of them makes me wanna be with them more and think of things id wanna do in the future and being with them only intensifies that and makes me seriously try to plan a (albeit short-term) relationship with them, and that is how they make me feel -but with my friends there isn't any of this, there is no deep underlying feeling and devotion and me being Drawn to and appealed by and positive feelings that makes me want to do things with them, because i'm not attracted to them!!!! if i talk to a person and they seem cool i'll talk to them more cause talking to them's nice and That is IT that is the whole story nothing more nothing less!!!!! i describe this as platonic Attachment moreso than Attraction

>when i am nonplatonically attracted to someone, it's BECAUSE i feel all those aforementioned positive things towards them that DIRECTLY leads to - like, is on the same exact path as - wanting to do/doing shit with them! i wanna kiss em Because i'm attracted to them! i wanna wrap my arm around theirs and hold their hand Because i'm attracted to them! i wanna wrap around them in general Because i'm attracted to them! i wanna call them 8a83 and for them to call me whatever Because i'm attracted to them! i wanna do this and that and this and that BECAUSE i think they are hot and/or cute and they make me feel a way that makes me wanna do that stuff!!!! -but when someone is my friend, i do things with them just for the sake of doing stuff! i don't talk to them cause everything they say makes me go awww and wish we could move in together more, i talk to them cause i like hearing what they have to say and what they have to say is good and they're nice to talk to!! if i wanna cuddle them or kiss them on the cheek/forehead/whatever or be with them physically etc etc etc it's because they are and have been a Good Friend, ie They Are And Have Been Consistantly Good At Talking To Me and handling our relationship (ie saying the right things to me at the right time, ie not Saying 'shut up i hate you!!' when i Say 'im sad :(' /exaggerated, but you get the idea) which results in trust and respect and enjoyment of Our Relationship, IE, Us Talking To Eachother.

>so my nonplatonic relationships Usually (KEYWORD USUALLY!! while its not a kind of relationship i have a lot, i Have had nonplatonic relationships where i'd go to certain friends Before i'd go to my partner for some things and i DO disagree with the amatonormative ever-present notion that your partner HAS to come first and your friends will ALWAYS come last) come first because if i lose them or ignore them to Only spend time with my friends when i could spend it with them etc i am not just losing Someone To Talk To i am losing someone who inherently makes me happy and at ease and enjoying them Because They Are Them, and i am losing this and that and this and that thing to do that makes me happy bc im doing it with Them and able to just stew in how much i like them and how attractive they are -but! as stated before! my friendships are essentially just Talking To Someone and doing things to show youre glad theyre there because of how good talking to them is!! and if i lose them then well shit bro i can talk to fucking anyone else!!!!!! they mightve been someone who i could talk to abt a specific thing i couldnt trust with anyone else or maybe they'd talk in a specific way regarding certain things that was really comforting, BUT AGAIN THATS JUST ME BEING SAD OVER NOT TALKING TO THEM NOT BEING SAD OVER HOW I FEEL ABOUT THEM OR NOT BEING ABLE TO EXPRESS MY ATTRACTION VIA WHATEVER NONPLATONIC ACTION

(worth noting i am alloaro so if some of this reads as my nonplatonic relationships kinda railing off the ability to Do Something Out Of my attraction to them and how Attractive they are instead of just being with them and Them and my Ability to Be with them, there uh. ah. theres a reason for that ;>___>) so u might be reading this and going, oh, clove, that sounds like you're aplatonic! and you'd be right! but this is where it hits a wall cause i HAVE experienced platonic Attraction before. i Have been Drawn to and appealed by and, well, Attracted To someone.... out of platonicness. i Have felt a positive and emotional way towards someone that made me want to do things with them not to show appreciation but just out of how much they made me feel and how i felt about them, but in a platonic way! which might read as 'no homo'-y and we were just awkward friends but 'friends' was Not how we described, or not the sole way we'd describe our relationship, because we were More Than Friends*, but we weren't dating or being sexual or anything nonplatonic, but we weren't just friends, but we'd have recurring issues of ppl thinking we Were nonplatonic and that wasn't the case, but it really was way More than any regular friendship at least as far as we knew, but- so we defined that as a qpr and that was the best way to explain it and to this day i still feel like that explains it p solid even if the definitions for it aren't always the same and some aren't what i'd use for that one specifically, which crosses off another definition for aplatonic past 'i have experienced platonic attraction', 'i have had+wanted a qpr', And! that relationship and the way i felt overshadows how not-attracted to my friends i am and how clear cut the definition between 'friend' and 'not-friend [gayly]' is for me! which crosses out the last thing! so i just. feel weird abt it all. bottom line is that i know people aren't saying this shit for No Reason and if i want affirmation of the concept of 'nonplatonic relationships are more than platonic ones' i don't even have to fucking go outside i can just look literally anywhere that isn't wholly and entirely the aro community dedicated to arospec and aro-related discussion...... but i wish people wouldn't act like/imply that since this is how a lot of aro people feel, that this is not only an inherent intrinsic universal arospec experience/feeling, but that anything different directly goes against other aro people, even if the person in question is. also arospec. BUT MAYBE thats just me being hierarchy_polyamory_luvr_500 and not someone who relates to or particularly Wants to specifically aim for relationship anarchy with all my relationships started and maintained by myself, which is a whole nother post, BUT ANYHOO. don't throw affectionate/attraction-ing/partnering/amorous aros under the bus please lol XD

*ik this is kinda a loaded way to describe a relationship/feelings towards someone but wrt this specific relationship, i mean it in the sense of like.

if this makes sense? it's more than friends, but because it's still platonic feelings, it's just farther along the line of and has more going on than just regular friends, therefore. more than friends+not just friends. but the concept of a nonplatonic 'more than/not just friends' is not lost on me when it's not coming from like, a romance movie, cause -GESTURES AT THE ENTIRE FIRST 3/4THS OF THIS POST-